#I'm still paranoid though so

[thepoisonroom]

it's so cringe to have childhood trauma that makes me uneasy when everyone else is acting normal like oh boo i got yelled at too much when i was little and now i feel scared when people forgive me too quickly wadda hell are you talking about

[callixton]

took 10 mg of my ex's ritalin in the hopes it would balance out my adhd and i'm having like. a real weird reaction to it. it is making me paranoid i don't have adhd but i think it is much more likely that my body just isn't sure how to deal with having a stimulant in it for the first time. i'm also not like. high in any way. i'm just sort of jittery and physically unable to settle. and i'm still having trouble focusing but not the way i usually do which i suspect might also be bc this isn't overriding how tired i am. i also can't stop talking when in a conversation

[alivingmel]

GOT MY LAST CHEMO INFUSION ON WEDNESDAY BABEEE, feelin' like garbage but finally can recover without another scheduled dose of suffering on the horizon.

MORE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE AND ""FUN"" FACTS ABOUT CHEMOTHERAPY (under the cut):

-There are over a hundred chemo drugs used to fight cancer! Alkylating agents, antimetabolites, anti-tumor antibiotics, topoisomerase inhibitors, the list goes on. . . Some are administered intravenously, some are taken orally, some are injected with a needle, and some even come in wafer form (surgically placed near a tumor)!

-My treatment regimen involved five different chemo drugs. . . 12 weeks of paclitaxel and carboplatin (every week), 8 weeks of doxorubicin and cyclophosphamide (every other week), and Keytruda (every 4 weeks, I think? lost track lmao) throughout.

-DOXORUBICIN (also known as Adriamycin) is one of the most infamous chemo drugs. Its nasty list of side effects and bright red color has earned it the nickname "The Red Devil". You have to get an echocardiogram before recieving doxorubicin because it can cause serious heart problems. For this reason, there's a maximum cumulative dose. You also piss bright red after it's administered!!!

-PACLITAXEL (also known as Taxol) comes from an interesting source. . . The bark of the Pacific yew tree! Makes you wonder how many cures for diseases are hiding in plain sight. . . Or being covered up by the pharmaceutical industry because they aren't profitable enough. :')

-My understanding of chemo from TV and movies made me believe it made you puke nonstop. . . But, because doctors anticipate the nausea, they have plenty of preventative treatments so it's not nearly as common a side effect as it once was. I didn't throw up once! But I did get nasty heartburn and plenty of bowel issues to make up for it, yikes. (I once was someone that got anxiety about bringing up embarrassing problems to my doctors, this experience has bled me dry of shame. . .)

-You don't always have to lose all your hair either! For those recieving meds that cause hair loss, cooling caps are an option. They're expensive, but some hospitals (including mine, thankfully) have programs for those that can't afford them. (Partly because nurses weren't too keen on helping only the richest patients keep their hair.) Cooling caps work by chilling your scalp, reducing the amount of blood flow (and thus chemo drugs) that reaches your hair follicles. IT FEELS LIKE THE WORST BRAIN FREEZE EVER BECAUSE IT ENCASES YOUR SKULL IN ICE AND IT ADDS LIKE 3 HOURS ONTO YOUR INFUSION VISIT, but hey! I kept like 50% of my hair, and I would have kept more if it wasn't for the goddamn doxorubicin (which is notoriously tough on hair). MY IDENTITY IS VERY HAIR-BASED so it made me feel better.

-Of course, you don't just lose hair on your head, though! First went the pubes, then the armpits, eyebrows, and now my eyelashes are on their way out. . . Arm and leg hairs seem the most resilient (in my case, anyway).

-THE BEST (aka worst) side effect of chemo for me, personally, has been the chemically induced menopause. Chemo causes you to temporarily lose your period, which sounded like a huge bonus! Until the hot flashes and the night sweats started. Not fun to deal with during the summer!!! I hope this is extra intense because of it being more abrupt than naturally occuring menopause, otherwise I DREAD getting this shit for real in the future, yowza.

-Because chemo drugs are tough on your veins (and can cause serious tissue damage if an IV isn't placed correctly), patients often get a port-a-cath placed in their chest to make the constant blood draws and infusions easier. I got one and I CANNOT WAIT TO GET IT OUT. It's internal, but you can feel the plastic disc "target" where they stick the IV cuz it's right under the skin and it gives me the heebie jeebies UGHHH. . . Also one of my cats almost stuck his filthy nail in it and that would've been DISASTER. . .

-The 20-34 age group only makes up 2.7% of all cancer cases. . . Which I definitely noticed in the waiting rooms! I felt out of place and didn't end up talking to many other patients, but the nurses were all very kind to me.

-It might go without saying, but where you go for treatment matters big time!!! The local hospital I got diagnosed at dragged their ass on scheduling me for a mammogram (putting me at risk for metastasis). . . And the chemo regimen they presented to me afterwards was either outdated or not specifically geared toward Triple Negative breast cancer cuz it was pretty different than the regimen I ended up on (which is supported by the most current research). . . I'm lucky enough to be close enough to Boston that I could travel up there for treatment! If you have a life-threatening condition, it's worth making the trip to the nearest city with a good hospital, believe me. (Getting stuck in traffic after treatment sucks HARD though, god.)

[bright-haired-teacher]

wow sure love to come in on a monday morning to find a bunch of my shit having been moved around by some rando who was apparently using my room this weekend without my fucking knowledge.

like first of all: my monitor setup is complicated. i don't need people fucking it up.

second of all: it is very possible (likely, in fact) that i left sensitive information up on my screen or lying around since i wasn't expecting anyone to be in here!

third of all: it is very frustrating to come in on a fucking monday and have to put my room back together because whoever the fuck was in here didn't have enough respect for me or my space to put it back themselves.

now i'm just in a horrible mood which is not the vibe for a monday! this could all be avoided if you'd tell me someone's gonna be using my room (or better yet - ASK) because i could have at least straightened up my desk and/or put stuff away instead of leaving my usual controlled chaos that other people seem to find off-putting. (to which i reply - it's not your space, fuck off.)

ugh.

[kittyboy-cunt]

hii last anon again. thinking abt fucking until we both pass out.. or something.. also i kinda want to make a proper nsfw blog, but i can also appreciate the thrill of looking at this blog on main ^__^ it feels sneaky, lol

you can always just make a sideblog!! what's stopping you?

[fitzselfships]

Sorry everyone had to see that last night. That ask combined with all the stress I've been dealing with and my meds seemingly not really working anymore triggered an episode I think but I'm normal now though sooo time to resume my regular Zooble posting :]

[archduke-enver-gortash]

posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh

[thethingything]

I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.

the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?

I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again

[arklay]

WIP DAY.

tagged by @girlbosselrond @morvaris @aartyom @risingsh0t @phillipsgraves @leviiackrman @indorilnerevarine & @denerims over the past month! sorry it's taken me so long to get to anything at all, i'm sure you guys have heard me address it enough, but thank you all so much for continuing to tag me in things while i've been inactive ♡

tagging @aelyosos @brujah @calenhads @florbelles @jendoe @lightwardens @liurnia @nokstella @nuclearstorms @shadowsofrose @shellibisshe @steelport @swordcoasts @wrymbloods @voerman & all of those who tagged me again cause i'm so behind + anyone else who'd like to share anything they're working on, not just writing! ♡

i haven't written anything since the last wip game i did, but i started trying to put diana's timeline together at the start of january, so i mean... i'll show that instead. as you can see, fatigue hasn't let me do much with it even though i've got all of her timeline already done and strewn about all over the place.

started with 1995 onwards cause it was originally going to be an ewskers timeline situation, but then wanted to include all of her backstory so i went back to the start and still have the late 80s and early 90s to get through before then, but yeah :]

it's going to include like all little moments i've thought of between the ewskers just for me and placing them on the timeline, so you can imagine how long this is going to get if i have to go to 2021 for village... like just 1996-1998 is going to be so much... she's very special to me if you couldn't tell already lmaoo

never sharing this though, it's just for me, and like will help for when i do her timeline page (more in-depth version of what's on her oc page) to just run through canon events and brief descriptions and whatnot. you understand.

everything is blurred out besides 1995 ewskers momence and the years, just cause like idk her i feel weird sharing her in-depth backstory unless it's in dms or something, just cause there's lots going on there and yeah. things. idk

i also made a carrd for twt if you wanna have a look at that :] there's some cheeky subtle things with the two resi items i used as pics hehe

actually, you know what, i'll give a lil bit from where i left of with that rewrite anyways, even though it's been months since i wrote it. but why not

Wesker left a fleeting kiss behind her ear then reached around her and hooked his fingers beneath her coat, prompting Diana to glance back at him. But all he did was gently pull it from her shoulders. She watched him from out of the corner of her eye as he hung it up on the rack by the door, his movements careful and almost calculated, until he turned back towards her, and the warmth of his body returned once more. He pressed up against her side this time, as opposed to her back, and one of his hands found a home on her waist. The way the arm it belonged to was resting firmly against her as he began leading her towards the kitchen was comforting, secure, yet unmistakably possessive. And she revelled in it. He had quite the knack for handling her just the way she wanted.

[deviousdiesel]

.

[vampirecatboy]

god this is making me so paranoid is my ex-friend who blocked me reblogging things from me or am i crazy

i don't want them looking on my blog i don't want them reblogging my posts i don't want them in my life anymore i just want them gone and out of my mind

[bitegore]

Possibly if i am this often "at my limit" it is not in fact a limit at all and i need to come up with a new word for it.

[pearl-kite]

I think I need to invest in a new laptop, which financially sucks right now, but I think my battery has gotten spicy again (track pad might be bulging 🙃) despite being replaced less than a year ago, so this 6-year-old may need to b retired.

[bilestat]

hi! i was just wondering (to piggyback off a previous ask) but how did you learn to be alone and not be sad?? it’s literally impossible for me

i genuinely don't know how it finally clicked for me, i wish i could help you better 😭 i'm just so glad it did because i've spent soooooo much time alone ever since covid and i have no idea where i'd be if i still got how i did even a few years ago. but having my cat definitely helps, he's such good company and i love him so much.

besides that i just try to keep myself busy, always reading or watching something or playing a video game, and of course talking to friends as much as possible! even just having background noise from music or the tv helps me get lost in thought less

[thehightiefling]

🙆‍♀️

[melon-dot-com]

bonking my head against desk.mp4

I wasted time on something unimportant and that I didn't even care about again!!!!! I'm gonna Lose It!!!!