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take-everything-you-can · 1 year

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Put Your Head On My Shoulder

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

A/N: This Fandom has given me the most inspiration I've had in years and this is a thank you to every single one of you. This idea spurred from one too many drinks and unhinged DMs and I'm so excited to share it with you guys. So here goes nothing lol. A special thanks to my lady loves @lesservillain , @ghost-proofbaby , @bettyfrommars , and @bimbobaggins69 for beta reading and letting me fill your inboxes with all my little thots for our little gremlin man !

P.S : BEFORE I GET INTO ANYTHING THIS STORY IS 18+ MINORS NEED TO GTFO PLEASE AND THANK YOU !!!!! Also please remember to like and reblog from your creators It keeps the fandom alive !!! ( honestly don't know what I would do without ya'll )

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Female Reader ( Pumpkin )

Summary: A 1950's daydream of malt shop kisses and doo wop singles far behind closed doors. Dreamboat Eddie Munson picks up more than just an extra route. A love that makes you weak in the knees... but how long can you go on loving a man that isn't the one your married to.

TW: Angst- mentions of an affair (adultery), verbal abuse mentions, mentions of weight ( mentions of food within the story throughout), disordered eating, feeling unloved, self deprecation slightly, staying with toxic partner Fluff- pet names, domestic bliss, mutual pining Smut- fingering, soft touches, overstimulation slightly very slight, unprotected PIV, cream pie, spanking,..... tbh i can't think of anymore but if you see any please let me know ... Thank you all so much. ( every chapter will get updated tw)

WC: 4.1K

Flour covers the countertop in your kitchen, and a rolling pin is set to the side while you knead the soft pastry ingredients together. Apples sit freshly peeled in a separate dish. Sliced and added to sugar and cinnamon. Picking up the rolling pin, you do your best to flatten the dough to a thin sheet and mold it to the glass dish before you.

“Well, this dough is much better than the first,” you say aloud to yourself. Your husband once told you that speaking out loud to yourself was a sign of a weak mind, you never put much stock in that. But here you were doing exactly that as your days consist of waiting for your husband to return home from work.

You splash a bit of vanilla into the apple mixture to complete your pie filling. Once it is all tucked neatly beneath the fluffy dough, you take a knife and leave four little holes within the surface and crimp the edges together, sealing the flavors within. A touch of sugar is added to the top along with an egg wash before placing the pie on a rack in the oven. A timer is set for twenty minutes, a reminder to lower the temperature and to add your special ingredient.

Soft music plays throughout the house, Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald keep you company on these long lonely days. Lonely but only for such a short time. Your husband works for the state doing something he thinks you're too dumb to understand so why talk about it? If anyone ever asks you simply say ‘Oh please you think a woman wants to know such things’. That usually earns you a laugh at cocktail parties and a warm smile from your man. If you could even call him that.

Yes, he is your man in the sense that your last names are the same and you had shared the same bed. Where is the love though? It isn’t tangible and hasn’t been for quite some time now. Your day begins and ends with a few words apart from an I love you. You served him still, acted to the prying eyes, as a doting Wife. Four years and Everyone still thought you had a perfect life.

That dream of white picket fences and shared milkshakes. That love of never-ending kisses and satisfying sex. Everyone around you wanted all that you had. Would they still want your life if they could see past those closed doors and shut curtains?

Would they want to spend their mornings hiding the bags under their eyes from nights of restless sleep? Would they want to have a constant monologue of the flaws seen in the mirror? Ones that your oh-so-loving husband pointed out to you time and time again. Would they want to cook and clean knowing they would never receive a thank you? No, you knew they wouldn’t. All the small things that build and grow until it becomes a monotonous routine. Walking through days as if the next would be the exact same and then doing it all again and again, Until one day something changed.

Two months prior A knock on the door, one that started to come once a week. The company of CC & Drums Dairy was paid to bring you a gallon of milk, A necessity your husband called it. A man with long dark locks that flowed over his shoulder and curls that dipped across his forehead under his cap. Deep Brown eyes that sparkled with flecks of amber as the sun hit him just right. Dressed in white overalls to comply with his company uniform and sleek black shoes that shine just as brightly as his smile. His name tag reads Eddie in a sweet embroidered cursive. Eddie, a name that would soon become something you would never forget.

Your timer goes off as you check the pie, squeezing a lemon over the crust for that citrus tang. Slipping the dessert back into the oven, for another half hour or so, a knock sounds through the house, sending the butterflies in your stomach in a tizzy. Eddie had arrived.

A quick task of undoing the strings to your apron and a fast fix of hair in the mirror you had hung in the hall. A hand to your abdomen as you intake a breath and let it stagger out between your lips, hesitating to open the door. The second you see him you can feel the way the tops of your cheeks heat and plump with a smile. One that matches his.

You take a second and wonder if he knows how handsome he is. The way the small lines beside his eyes crinkle with years of use. You wonder if he knows that the instant you see him, your heart stops beating. But most of all you wonder if you're the only one those soft eyes and long lashes catch in his gaze.

“Afternoon darling, I must say this heat wave has got to be breaking records. Ought not keep these out here too long.” as he lifts the small crate of glass bottles holding the product out.

You knew better than to take it from him, even if every bone in your body screamed too. The last time you tried you nearly flipped the whole crate, underestimating the weight. From that day on you always stood to the side as you let Eddie into your home to set the dairy in your kitchen. It was another thing you wondered about him. Did he do this for everyone else too?

“ Well let's not keep them then sir.” standing to the side he slides past you brushing a hand across the elbow you held to the door. His way of saying hello. Small touches here and there as he could never keep his hands to himself for too long in your presence.

“ Something smells awful delicious in her ma’am.”

“An Apple pie is in the oven, maybe you’ll stay and have a slice. For your troubles of course.”

“Mhmm, my troubles.” Eddie sat the crate on the counter next to the ice box and turned his body towards you and enveloped you in his stronghold. An intoxicating embrace as he pulled you flush to his body.

“ I missed you, you know that pretty girl?” soft tone, almost a whisper. A small smile he couldn't see but could feel made its way to your face.

“I bet you say that to all the girls on your route.” he lets out a small chuckle.

“Only the breathtaking ones.” a falter to your features as your mind reeled with all the possibilities.

Does he miss Mrs.Cunningham the way he misses you? Does he miss Ms.Buckley the same? That sick green monster finds its way under your skin as you think of all the girls he must have at his beck and call. But today that monster wasn’t going to ruin the few fleeting moments you could spend with him. You needed Eddie in the most carnal of ways.

“Do you want to know what I missed? “ Your fingers trail their way from the small of his back and up over his shoulder, landing on his neck just below his ear. Cupping his face you bring it down and catch his lips as they meet yours.

“Oh yeah? you missed me too Pumpkin?” a second crash of your lips to his, makes him hum from the back of his throat. His nose nudges yours to the left so his teeth can catch your bottom lip, pulling back slightly to hear the small whine you emit.

“I always miss you, Eddie.” His hands travel down over your figure as he starts to ruffle the hem of your dress up. Thankful for its length to hide how wet you had become just from him being in the home you share with your spouse. A topic you and Eddie tried to steer clear of, but the wrongness of the act just felt so right.

Over a year your husband hadn’t touched you, barely talked to you and some days you were even sure he hadn't even looked in your direction. Eddie though, In the last two months, Eddie had made you feel seen. He made you feel heard, and most of all he made you feel desired.

As his hand finds the thin cotton that covers your cunt he glides his digits over the wet patch that had grown by just the thought of him. A deep hum and a small huff of breath from Eddie against your neck as he kissed his way to your shoulder.

“So wet for me and I've barely even touched you. Are you that starved for affection?” The words forming in that sweet small surrender to him were all but cut off as he slid a finger through your folds and teased your entrance. A gasp was the response he got, one he loved to hear in protest every time he had you.

“C’mon honey tell me what you want.” how could you respond to him with words if you couldn't even think of them? The man before you had spent the last few months discovering just how to make you melt in his arms.

He knew that the spot behind your knee was his best friend for when he had you on your back. He knew the way your hips stutter when you're close to your peak, and he knew that if your eyes found that they couldn't stay open that you were in utter bliss.

His favorite thing he had learned throughout your time together though was that even when he knew you had your doubts, you still trusted him in every sense of the word.

After only two months Eddie knew you better than you know yourself. Better than your husband had ever cared to know you.

“ Please, Eddie.” He smiled down at you

“ Please What Honey?”

“ Dip in Eddie, Fuck me please.” He could feel the slackening of your legs as his assault on your clit had made you a bit sensitive, in his focus on making you feel as good as he possibly could, in what little time he had with you. He slid two of his thick fingers into your dripping heat as his thumb stayed in a rhythm that matched his wrist as he curled in and let the sounds of his efforts echo off the small kitchen walls.

Moaning into Eddie's ear as his finger worked in and out of you making that heat inside of you grow higher and higher. Clutching the strap of his overalls, a small pull leaning back, as the pleasure he was giving you kept climbing.

“ Come on now baby, let go.” A final intake of air, hold on to the breath that led you to your walls squeezing eddies fingers tight. That coil snapped as you let your body fall slack against him a loud moan from the farthest depths within you found its way out of your lungs.

When your eyes land on Eddie after your come down all you can see is that smile. The dimple-creasing smile that kept haunting your dreams at night.

“I need more.” You didn’t know how but his smile grew even wider and more sinister as his tone began to deepen. A kiss is pressed to your lips, not urgent, understanding.

“ You need more? Well, it's a damn good thing that what you're asking for is in stock then Pumpkin.” He turned you around to face the small table that sat in your kitchen, knowing what he wanted from you. He wasn’t the only one taking notes from your time together.

You braced yourself against the worn wood and clutched the sides of it as you heard the familiar clinks of metal as his rings fumbled with the buckle of his belt.

The wait, though it is small, is brutal. Anticipation makes your stomach flip and cunt flutter. A shuffle out of his overalls gives Eddie a moment to just admire the way you listen so well. These small moments have him thanking every bad decision that got him here. To this small town, with this small job, on this small route. A route he picked up as a last resort. Yeah, he doesn't know who he's praying to but whoever is listening, he's singing grace.

A grip in the slight pudge of your hips to keep himself steady, Eddie is gentle as he slips his cock through your folds gathering your slick over his length and breaching your desire. A deep moan and a few choice words fall from Eddie as he fills you and meets the small wavering gasp you let out, a breath you didn't know you had been holding. A whine of impatience, his sign to move.

A soft speed turns ravenous as his dick uses your walls to curve his hooks into you deeper and deeper. A sigh of his name and you can feel the stutter in his thrust. He slows his pace if only to keep himself from having to leave your presence all too soon.

"Fuck darling, so good to me, taking me so well like this pussy was made for me." You mewl from beneath him, dropping your forehead to the wood that is holding you up. You fear that if it had not been here your legs would have given up the second he started talking. "Isn't that right pumpkin? Made just for me? " A sharp thrust and you know he wants an answer in the way his grip turns bruising. A trip through your mind as you try and collect the words from thin air.

"YES! God yes, I was made just for you."

"Such a good girl for me baby. That's right, isn't it? You're all mine aren't you?" Another squeeze to your hip and a smack that lands hard on your ass. Eddie's palm kneads the sting as you answer him.

" All yours, all yours, no one else, just you baby." A grunt hum from the back of his throat as he grips your shoulder and leans so his body is flush with yours. His breath is on your neck as he leans to your ear.

"Not even your husband, just you and me baby?"

"Just you and me Ed's" Your eyes tunnel and you see white as your orgasm rushes through you, Eddie's own a thrust away as he moans deep against your skin. His body weight and yours against the kitchen table as you both find your way down from the clouds.

Small kisses he leaves to your spine and the back of your neck. You turn your head and he places another small one to the upturned corner of your mouth. A bell chimes and you sit for a few seconds letting Eddie gather his own bearings. A small pat to the curve of your pussy as Eddie pulls the cotton back in place. A shock to your sensitivity.

"Keep that in there baby, that way you have a part of me while I'm gone." A heat to your cheeks as the thought of Eddie's cum dripping out of you while your husband sat across from you and read the paper over dinner. A sly smirk from the man you just let defile the small space, one you would let do ungodly things to you.

You put on oven mitts as Eddie finds a few glasses in the cabinet. You slice into the flakey crust and slip through the filling as you place the large piece on a plate for you to share. Eddie pours milk as you find some silverware, he places the bottles in your fridge so they keep.

Turning with a smile, he is the definition of adoration. In your eyes he is everything.

Why is it that when his time with you is coming to an end you almost wish it would end as soon as possible? Almost as if you would wish he would part with some harsh words to make you not want him in the most beautiful ways. You have to make yourself believe these things before he leaves because if you don’t, it would just shatter you. So you take a different route, you don’t shatter yourself, instead, you splinter and crack all the things that hold you until you see him again. The times where he glues those little shards back in place if only for you to break them off again and again. A scared thought and a small shake of your head trying to rid yourself of it. A married woman. What would he possibly want from you other than a good lay?

He sees that doubt within your mind as if reading it. He takes your hand in his as he laces your fingers together.

“ Penny for your thoughts Pumpkin?” You glance finally meeting his eyes as you clear your throat.

“ Nothing important hun.” You slide a fork to his side of the table as your eyes dart to the clock. He squeezes your hand once more, lowering his eyes in search of yours again.

“It is important if it bothers you.” Your heart stops. The breath you were going to take gets caught in your throat and you turn on that winning smile you had trained yourself to hold in uncomfortable circumstances. One you wish he couldn't see through.

“ It’s nothing Eds, really.”

“Do you promise?” you take a hand and cup his cheek.

How do you tell him that he is your first thought in the morning and the last thought before falling asleep? How instead of counting sheep you try and count the freckles on his face by sheer memory? How could you tell him you wish you were his one and only? That you have never felt about another human soul the way you feel about his. Instead, you stuff it down, apple pie soon to follow.

“I Promise.”

You know he doesn’t believe you but he would rather set out to sea and die of starvation as the sharks feed from him than to make the last moments he has with you tainted with fights and tears. God when you cry it absolutely destroys him.

The first time you had ever let him take you in his arms you had just gotten off the phone with your husband. He had heard hushed words while he waited for you to grab the weekly tip your husband left for him. Your husband had informed you that he would not be coming home, as the fight from the night before had lingered into the morning and would now follow you well into the night. The first time you had opened the door Eddie studied the angelic features of your face, and they had plagued his dreams for such a long time at this point.

When you rounded the corner with a smudge of mascara beneath your eyes, he instantly without thinking took you in, pushing your face to his chest as his hand rested on the back of your head. Slight comfort made the tears begin again as he wiped the remainder of the smudge and irritation from your face. No man had ever done something as small as comforting you before. In the two months since he had started this route, he knew he had instantly fallen head over heels in love with you.

You had taken two bites from the plate that sat in front of you and Eddie had finished the slice. He even went as far as to slide a finger in the crumbs on the plate and lick them off in an attempt to show you how much he had enjoyed it. His time with you.

A gathering of glasses you brought to the sink as he brought the other dishes and sat them in the deep well while wrapping his arms around your waist and you stood eyes closed relishing in the last little bit of affection he could offer to you.

A kiss to your shoulder as you turn your head resting it on his.

“I’ll be by in a week Pumpkin.” A nod to the fact you already knew. “ Seven days.” Another nod, not risking the crumble in your voice. “ Not long at all.” Another small kiss to your cheek as you turned into his chest and rested your forehead on his.

“Seven days?”

“ Seven days Pumpkin. Do you think you can wait for me? Just seven days? “

“I think I could wait a lifetime for you Eddie.”

“I’ll see you in a week, Mrs.Carver.”

“ A week Mr.Munson.”

A kiss to your lips and a parting gift of his very own pie before he snuck out through the back door, so as to not raise suspicion. A slow walk from the kitchen to the door and to turn a lock, on your mind. On your hope. You could do this. You could wait seven days.

Your husband comes through the door late as he had been doing for the last year or so. You had expected it from him at this point. You had started to make his dinner later and later knowing that if you had made it too early he would tell you all the ways he couldn't eat it. If it had gone too cold he would refuse and the hard work would go directly into the trash.

He walked in as you took his dinner off the stove and placed it on a dish for him.

“Right on time doll.”

“ I don’t know how on time it is, It’s Nearly eight in the evening, Jason!”

“ I’m not doing this with you tonight.”

He always did this. He would come home and you would ask him where he had been, and he’d always end the conversation before it could even begin. You sat his plate in front of him as you sat across the table from him. Times where you could really take him in and see that the feelings you had once long ago were snuffed out like a flame to a candle.

“ Are you not eating dear?”

“ I ate a bit earlier in the day.”

“Thanks for waiting .” He rolled his eyes and you returned the gesture.

“ I wouldn’t have had to wait if you had just picked up the phone and told me when you were going to be on your way home. I’m not waiting until we hit a new day to eat Jason I’m not going hungry just so you-”

“ Wouldn’t harm you any though would it.”

You left the table. Your weight had started to become a key focus as he knew it bothered you more than anything else. You had gained some weight and your mother and friends had commented on it from time to time. For your husband to tho, it made you furious. You ate when you were unhappy, it was something you had done since you were a child. The only person who thought you could stand to eat a little more had been Eddie.

It happened slowly, you would make him food now and then, and the majority of the time He would offer you a bit. It started with a bite and progressed into cutting his sandwiches in half just so you could have something to eat. Unlike your husband, Eddie had a suspicion that you weren’t eating enough. Like you weren’t giving your body what it needed to survive so he would constantly ask for you to eat with him. At least then he would know you had something of substance within your day.

You had gone to your bedroom and gotten out of your daily’s slowly separating them into their hampers waiting to hear the stomping footsteps of Jason as he made his way to the spare bedroom. He had taken residency there about a month before Eddie came into your life and you were thankful for the times that Eddie left you yearning for more. To call out another man's name while with your significant other no matter how insignificant they were would still bring you shame like no other.

Slipping into your nightgown as Jason shuts the door to his room you wait a few minutes to take the walk back down the stairs to stand in front of the sink. Looking up at the sky through the window above the stars seem to shine brightly. You attempt to find the little dipper and look for its companion not far from where it lays, the version of a larger size. Constellations begin to blur as you let the silent tears fall. Hoping that somewhere out there in this little old town, Eddie too is looking up at the moon and wishing you were by his side as you wished upon all the stars in the sky. What a long time seven days would be.

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x fem reader #eddie stranger things #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson angst #milkman!eddie #eddie fluff #eddie munson au #eddie munson series #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson fic #eddie munson fanfic

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memorizingthedigitsofpi · 8 months

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how to tell your corporate overlord is about to lay people off

(based on my own observations working at a large Canadian corporation)

Your company is in the first quarter of their fiscal year, and people are telling you not to spend money / to cut back on spending. Usually the first quarter is when the money situation is okay. If you're being asked to slash budgets at the start of the fiscal year, shit is going south and fast.

You see emails about senior managers "leaving the company" and the email doesn't say what company they're going to. If no new job is called out, they're probably leaving because someone else decided they should. If you see retirement notices for people who seem pretty young to be retiring, that's a possible sign as well.

You hear about other parts of the company "re-organizing" or "restructuring" - these are both cover for layoffs happening at the same time. If you can, find someone from those departments and see how many people were let go. A few people is just normal course of business. Dozens? That's a sign that you might be in for it too.

A manager or senior manager asks you what another employee does. If they ask how it's different from what someone else does, that person is likely on a list of people they're considering laying off.

Your CEO goes to an investor call and tells investors that the company will be spending X amount of money on "restructuring" and that this will result in Y amount of realized savings / profits / etc. in the next 6-18 months. The X dollars is how much they'll be spending on severance packages and other associated lay off costs.

when shit actually goes down

Smaller layoffs tend to happen in the fourth fiscal quarter as a way to get the company's annual numbers to look better. They won't happen in the last month because that's too late for reporting. It's more likely to be in month 10 or 11 of the fiscal year.

Layoffs also tend to happen Tues-Thurs. Mondays are usually the last day of "trades" (figuring out the finalized list of who's staying and who's being laid off). It also tends to be when the managers find out that they're being laid of (if they are). They tend not to lay people off on Fridays.

On the day of, people who are being laid off will get an unexpected meeting from their manager (or their manager's manager if you're both being laid off). They'll be told the news and given a chance to ask questions, then they'll hear what the next steps are. They do all of these meetings in the morning.

People who are not being laid off will get an unexpected meeting in the afternoon. If you're being moved to a different team, you'll get two meetings. The first one will be to notify you that you're moving. The second one will be to tell you about everyone who got laid off.

The announcement meeting will be telling the entire team at once. By reading the names of the invitees, you'll know who else is still employed. People not on the invite aren't there because they've been laid off.

the bright spot in the hellscape darkness

Over the last 6 months, a lot of my friends and colleagues have been laid off and most of them are already re-employed. The rest are either taking a sabbatical or starting their own business. Everyone I've talked to has said that getting laid off was the best thing that could have happened.

This is for middle-management level desk jobs at a corporation, so that won't apply to every job but hey. I wanted to end on a high note.

#it's been a shitty week #but hey #maybe others can learn from my wisdom #NOT being laid off actually sucks #which is not a thing I would have expected #but here we are

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mortalityplays · 2 years

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answering this in its own post @skullamity bc it could probably help a bunch of people. I use Sweepy, which has no joke turned me from a person living in a fortress of fast food containers and dirty sweaters to someone who can invite company over any time without a second thought.

You start by adding each room in your house, and then you assign tasks to each room. For every task you can set how frequently it needs to be done (including one-time / daily / as needed / certain times of year only), and how much effort it takes. It will then track each chore with a progress bar that goes from green (did this task recently) through yellow (not urgent yet) to red (this task is due). This visual indicator has been insanely helpful for me, bc it turns a negative reminder (task failed by default until you do it) into a positive one (you can turn the red into green!!! you can turn...the YELLOW into green!!!)

The effort rating is used to generate a balanced daily to-do list (this is a premium feature but I highly recommend it, it's the best part of the app and I haven't regretted it for a second). If you live with other people, you can add everyone to the same schedule and individually set the energy people can spend per day. The app then assigns each person chores up to their daily limit, based on what most needs doing. All my life people have assured me that if you do 'a few things' every day, the house stays clean. Madness, witchcraft. It actually works.

Other nice QoL things that have helped my difficult brain stick to this effortlessly for 6 months now:

there is a streak counter, but every 10 days you earn a 'wildcard' that will be automatically used up if you skip a day, maintaining your streak. good for busy or bad mental health days, and effective at making you do the calculus on whether getting up to sweep the bathroom is REALLY hard enough to warrant burning a whole cheat day.

if you can't do a specific task that day (you can see I've been putting off mopping for a while bc I need to pick up a new mophead) you can reroll your schedule or just manually pick a different task from your task library to make up points.

it has a few simple achievements that helped motivate me over the first few weeks - things like 'do every task in a room in one day' or 'have every room in the green at once'. cunning, bc once you've done these, daily maintenance gets way easier.

being able to put in tasks that only need to be done once a year or so weirdly keeps me interested. instead of walking around thinking 'ughhh I need to get around to clearing out that storage cupboard' I'm thinking 'ooh, one of these weekends I get to clear out the storage cupboard, I wonder when it will come up in the rotation'

tl;dr: I have depression and anaemic fatigue, Sweepy did tricks on my mind and now my kitchen counters are always clear and I vacuum daily.

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theintrovertbean · 9 months

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About Dorian and where I stand

I think it's time I voiced my actual opinion of Dorian. Partly because I need to write this down for myself to better understand my own feelings, and because of some of my posts, it might be hard to understand where I stand. Nowadays, I know it matters. Yeah, I gave it a chance. No, it didn't make me a Dorian enjoyer, but even though it makes me cringe sometimes, I don't think it's the worst thing to ever exist.

Disclaimer: This is my opinion to which everyone is free and more than welcome to add their own. I will address both good and bad things about Dorian, and I am going to criticize it. I also have to add that while I've been playing The Arcana for five years, I was gone for a while and missed out on a lot, especially the part when Dorian bought the game, so I'm not your all-knowing narrator. This is not a personal attack against anyone, whether they have a positive or negative opinion about Dorian. No drama here, just opinions and even some advice. Now let's begin.

I think the concept of Dorian is good, but it could be much better executed. The company makes some questionable choices, like now with the 3D figurines or when they posted those tales of the M6. I think the vast majority can agree that those tales felt like a living nightmare. That's certainly what they felt like to me, and I would prefer to ignore their existence. With the figurines, their quality is the issue. We do want the figurines, and we'd love them, but they don't look right, and I hate to say this because someone put effort into creating them (because, apparently, they're not AI-generated). Plus, I think it would be nicer if we could choose to get them painted. I'm aware that painted versions will be available too, but it would have made more sense to release both versions at the same time.

There are nice people on Dorian, I've met a few, so I don't think that liking Dorian automatically makes someone a bad person. It's simply not everyone's cup of tea. In many cases, for very understandable reasons. However, the people I actually communicated with were (and still are) very friendly and supportive. And tbh, there's no harm in enjoying the content that gets posted there. Unless it's something that promotes problematic ideas.

When I wanted to post a story there, I got loads of help, which I'm very thankful for, but some things make me wonder if I want my content to be put on Dorian. Ultimately, I've decided to do it, and I'm about to release the first episode. I know there are people on Dorian too, who would like to read some good Nadia content (not sure if I'm the right person for that, but there's no harm in trying). However, this is not a decision that I made lightly. I spent a lot of time wondering if I should do it. It's a personal moral compass thing, plus I know that there are people in my following who don't like Dorian. No, I am not going to abandon my blog. Everything I post on Dorian I plan on sharing here as well, one way or another. Right now, this is more of a test than anything else. And if somehow I end up becoming rich from the Dorian money, I can spend it on Arcana merch (/jk).

Dear Dorian, Arcana main 6 boobie mousepads when?

Seriously, my main goal is to spread the gospel about our goddess Nadia, wherever it may be, and I've had a few people encourage me to bring some content about her to the Dorian platform to show the Countess some love. But, know that when it happens, it's not because I'm such a big fan of Dorian. On the contrary, I'm quite critical of it, and anyone who has ever spoken to me knows that too. Anything I post on the Dorian platform will be purely out of my love for Nadia, my fellow simps, and the joy of creating.

Now, let's talk about Dorian's target audience. It's definitely not me nor the vast majority of The Arcana fandom. From what I've noticed, most of us are young adults, but Dorian is more attractive to people who are around their thirties. The adult adults. No hate to those people, hurting you is not my intention, and you did nothing wrong. It simply feels like Dorian is less focused on us younger people, partly because we are not very likely to pay them any money. However, an adult with a stable income is more likely to afford digital currencies. I understand that Dorian needs money too, or else they wouldn't be able to pay their creators, but it would be nice if they could do something in favor of the young adults as well.

Connected to the target audience, I have some things to say about the heart system too. If someone isn't familiar with it, Dorian uses hearts to unlock paid scenes. They use it for spicy content as well, but it's not exactly the best way to keep minors from accessing them. Yes, there are minors on the Dorian app too, I've seen a few. As soon as someone downloads the app, they get free hearts and they don't even need an account. Dorian is a social media platform with streaming features and by joining/starting a live stream, users are able to access all paid content, spice included. Having spicy content is not the issue, but making it so available is. I know, I know, places like Play Store and App Store allow this, it doesn't go against their rules. But, look into your heart, and ask yourself if it really is okay. If it's possible, I'd like to encourage Dorian to at least make their users (whether they are registered or not) confirm that they are over the age of 18 or let them add their date of birth when they use the app for the first time. This way, they could add a feature that automatically hides adult content from underage users. It's not much, but I know some people who would feel better.

There are things on Dorian that I genuinely enjoy, like the current event, The Arcana Love Quest. I've seen people say that it divides the fandom and makes it seem like one person is a much better fan than the others, but as someone who actually participates, I don't feel that way. However, I get where these come from because it does seem off from the outside. (Rip Nadia guild, we didn't make it to the next round, but it was fun.)

Now the "negativity". There have been countless people who voiced their opinions about Dorian, and they often didn't speak too highly of the company. I didn't see it myself, but from what I know, there was even something about comments getting deleted by Dorian and people getting blocked. Of course, there are people who simply hate. In those cases, I understand they want to shield themselves and pretty much everyone else from witnessing those vulgar remarks. However, civilized, constructive criticism isn't something they should censor or ignore. It's impossible to satisfy everyone, but they have to try and listen because even though criticism doesn't always feel nice, it's for everyone's benefit. By listening to what people say, Dorian could improve.

The Dorian app itself tries to be too many things at once. Instead of adding new features, I think it would be better to make it more stable and easier to control because it can get glitchy and confusing at times. However, I have to give their support team credit because I had issues with the app myself. I filled out a ticket, and they solved it for me. They were civil, kind, and responsive, so I really can't complain about that.

And about what they're doing to the official The Arcana app. It's upsetting, I know, but since Dorian owns it, we can't blame them for advertising themselves on it. Some people make a living by working for Dorian and/or posting content there and that is something I respect because this is literally how they pay their bills and put food on their tables. However, it's starting to get out of hand and anything more would be too much. Like the Dorian app, it wants to be too many things at once. To make the "Tales" button smaller than the Dorian stuff next to it is something that doesn't sit right with me. Also, half of the "Dailies" page is now about Dorian. There's also an entire page for streams, which is kinda unnecessary because if I want to watch a stream, I'll use the actual Dorian app for it anyway. Also, as soon as I open The Arcana app, I get like, three pop-ups about Dorian, which honestly reminds me of using illegal websites for watching movies.

There is also something else I wish to say. We can't blame Nix Hydra's mistakes on Dorian, and we can't expect Dorian to post content like Nix Hydra did. As I mentioned before, Dorian is a social media platform. Yes, we got Arcana tales once, but that's not what Dorian is for.

In conclusion, The Arcana is cursed like Lucio's wing. Do I regret giving Dorian a chance, tho? Honestly, no, not really. At least I have seen both sides of the coin. Dorian is not the worst, but there is a lot of room for improvement. My advice is to listen to not only the praise but the constructive criticism too. There is potential in Dorian and if they did a better job, then maybe they could turn other people's and my head too. For now, I remain somewhere in the middle.

#dorian the game #dorian live #the arcana #the arcana game #esz things

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theclearblue · 5 months

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favorite sapphic ships (can be from any media), go‼️‼️

Happy to do my part during Lesbian Visibility Week 🫡 (No order except for the last one being my fave)

1. Clarke/Lexa (The 100) - Unfortunately a victim of bury yours gays but first time for me seeing a Sapphic ship and I was like "girls....kissing girls?! Interesting this means nothing to me." (<- liar)

2. Emma/Regina (Once Upon a Time) - Same as before, just one of the earliest f/f ships for me

3. Korra/Asami (TLOK) - Didn't get why this was canon when I first watched it (I had yet to have some Realizations lmao), rewatched it at some point and was like Oh. oooohhhhh

4. Nobara/Maki (JJK) - Nobara is the lesbian of all time omg....the way she talks about Maki and appreciates her SO much. Maki so clearly appreciating her company and her support (but also maybe doesn't even know how much Nobara is so Ready to Fight anyone). They keep getting put on dates in official art....I know what they are....

5. Nami/Vivi (One Piece) - It has been...twenty one years (of irl time) since these two were separated...when they're reunited (which seems like it could hopefully be soon) it's gonna be the biggest Yuri event in the world (to me). LOVE them so much the way they looked out for each other throughout everything and Vivi recognizing Nami's strengths and Nami even though she's scared of fighting getting hurt because she loves Vivi SO much. Girls of all time.

6. Ymir/Historia (AOT) - I've had my issues with AOT so I don't end up talking about it a lot, but this is hands down the best ship. Historia was my fave character and they were IT to each other and the final letter Ymir sends to her is top five most devastating moments in the whole series. Love some tragic lesbians.

7. Hinako/Asashi (Doughnuts Under a Crescent Moon) - Read a lot of published yuri at one point and this one was a standout. Hinako struggles with comphet, anxiety, trying to meet people's expectations of her, and is also good ace rep! The two of them start out as friends and Hinako coming to accept herself is sooo good, probably some of the best canon rep I've read (need an anime for this asap)

8. Rhaenicent (HOTD) - After Game of Thrones bombed so spectacularly at the end I thought I would not like HOTD, but they brought me back on board with the toxic lesbians. Literally inseparable from each other at the start and the one person that they trust, and it just devolves as EVERYONE around them fucks them over in a way where they end up blaming the other and are bitter and hostile about it, but even still after everything you can tell there's some love that never went away truly? Insane.

9. Pharah/Mercy (Overwatch) - ...Exposing myself as an overwatch fan....But these two have some of the gayest voicelines in the entire game (Pharah is my main so I would know lmao. I'm also automatically gay for any Mercy that pocket heals/buffs me ajssllflglh). Fly through the skies together and protect each other...HEAVY flirting while they're at it...Mercy is like the one person to know about Pharah's mommy issues....Yeah I like them lmao.

10. Utena/Anthy (Revolutionary Girl Utena) - Woooaaahhhh who saw this one coming as my fave sapphic ship....everyone? Ok. Anyways ship of all time to me. It's healthy. It's toxic. It's doomed. It's saved. It's canon. I can't even really put into words in one short paragraph why they work so well, but them and their relationship are the heart of RGU. When they get to the point where Utena realizes that what Anthy doesn't need is a prince to save her, rather that Anthy needs her own agency, and Anthy is FINALLY able to leave her abusive situation through that agency, and be able to find and love Utena with full trust. The queer and feminist themes of RGU really just make it unlike any other ship that I've seen.

#Me at the beginning: “I'll keep this on the shorter side 😃”#and the entries just kept getting longer lmao sorry about that #asks #ty for the ask i love lesbians <3

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whimsicalprattler3 · 9 days

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-RANDOM RANDOMING:- Bad part: Now I always try to keep in mind the worst case scenario for anything so I'm somewhat prepared for it when it hits, leads to a lot over overthinking. I tried to sleep at 22:50ish and got into a dream in 5 minutes. I lived a whole new life in the dream and it wasn't a good one. It was me being extremely introverted since my childhood days and managed to make almost no friends, the only loved ones in my life were my grandma, my parents. Then it turns out I've been having a bad day(in the dream) and then I find myself in a car with all my loved ones. We then get into a car crash which kills everyone but me. OFC this wakes me up. Only 50 mins or so have passed(23:40ish). I then avoid sleeping for a bit and sleep early in the morning. Fucking bullshit , the dream resumes from where it ended. I receive the insurance money the next day of the funeral. Then I meet relatives who I can already imagine are drooling after the money. After this it keeps skipping to 1 month later, 3 months later, 6 months later, 1 year later and 3 years later. All the while I've developed trust issues and have not been able to form any new bonds and am basically alone. Finally one day I find a girl who I immediately click with (not romantically btw, just as a good friend and get into her circle too). I finally want to live and be happy, I've got good company, I've started doing a lot better financially too so don't have to rely on the insurance money. Ig it's only a few days since I've met them. Then when I'm on my way back home in my car, happy about how life has changed and overjoyed about my new will to live.... I get into a fucking lethal accident. I don't know who or which car hit me or how I died cause I instantly woke up after that. It took me another 20 mins to process this shit. Fuck them goddamn dreams and people wonder why I'm awake all night. Still I decided to be cheerful with a simple game of luck. I've got around 47 different types of songs all in one playlist and named it 'Fluctuations'. I spot 'Attention' by Charlie Puth in the middle of the playlist. I go, "I'll click 'Shuffle Play' and if that song plays, things will get worse today, if it's any other songs I'll do my best to cheer up." I click 'Shuffle Play' and ISTG it plays 'Attention' by Charlie Puth. WHAT ARE THE FUCKING CHANCES, I'll tell you it's 2.0833% , that how much luck was required to fuck me over. Then I proceeded to go to my classes and meet with friend, turns out she's in the next class and as I'm about to enter the class I get a full on flashback of the dream which makes me wanna not enter the class anymore cause it's not really pleasant. And turns out the universe is not done fucking me. When I reached the centre the lyrics were , "Cause every time I open up, it hurts So I'm never gonna get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt" When I'm about to enter the door and the flashback plays it went; "But I'm just a tourist to you" and it was the end of the song. This song played after the above one. I decide to shuffle I decide to start the playlist again and start walking to my class and take some time off instead and this fucking stroke of luck , MY FUCKING GOD.... It goes, "I'm way too good at goodbyes (I'm way too good at goodbyes) No way that you'll see me cry (no way that you'll see me cry)" I almost lost my last shred of sanity. I was about to throw hands with air. [GOOD ENDING IN COMMENTS]

#meirl #just me getting it off my chest #almost deleted spotify #and threw my phone #but its all good #as they say #all's well that ends well #i've already got 3 friends for life now #need at least 3 more #might have mentioned it before #but i want 6 good friends #first 2 took some time #this one came in like a WRECKING BALL #gods im happy rn lol

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emotionalsupport-ljh · 10 months

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Alright I'm gonna have to say something. There is a lot of info going around that doesn't make sense. There have also been bad arguments on both sides. I'm gonna try to synthesize what I've learned and what I think here so bear with me.

MiA has been on air for 6 years. It has aired globally; in America it aired on Adult Swim. It's on crunchyroll and Hulu if you have a subscription. Is it more likely that A. Anime fans are all p*dos or B. The anime was sold and heavily edited for marketability? I don't believe the amount of anime buffs that have talked so highly about it for so long would have done that had they known the truth.

Another point, we are citing a live from Aug. 2022. Why didn't anyone say anything then? In said live, Woozi is asked to recommend anime. He starts listing anime he had just started then ultimately recommends Komi Can't Communicate. That is it. As for the other idols, they most likely engaged with an edited version that kept some darkness but not the horrible awful parts.

It is not impossible for people to unwittingly enjoy something that is later revealed to be problematic. As far as anime goes, AoT and Ranking of Kings are examples of this. Stuff like that happens in western like in the cases of Harry Potter or Twilight. I will admit, I don't know when it was revealed that there was editing done to MiA, but it has been a recommended anime for years.

The source that posted is called Pannchoa and is notorious for causing problems, mistranslating, misunderstanding, and lying. I've also seen misinfo being spread by antis who want attention. Twitter is a cesspool, and unfortunately, a lot of children these days, especially american children, are victims of a deteriorating education system and lack reading comprehension skills as well as being chronically online. I'm a grown-up. I'm an adult. I'm not saying you have to agree but just take a moment to listen.

Many people have jumped to conclusions and straight up misunderstood things. I've had to cut off favs before, but I always read as much as I can first and make sure I understand before deciding. I hope this blows over quick; I cannot imagine the heartache and stress these boys are going through, or anyone else who likes anime who has posted about it, recommended it, or enjoys it. Let's be productive and drop the manga artist and company who sold it and everyone involved in its censoring and make this not happen again.

The argument that "they are grown men and can watch whatever" does not help. The argument that "watching true crime doesn't make you a murderer" does not help. What helps is finding what is real and not real.

If you're going to try and argue, pick someone else or pick another post. I will not engage. I've said my piece.

#woozi #seventeen #lee jihoon #svt

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szynkaaa · 10 months

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What are your thoughts when you see mutuals of yours using AI in their binds? I'm not defending afb at all, I think what they did and their attitude is vile, but why don't a lot of binders on instagram hold the same attitude towards AI and programs like midjourney? From my understanding, it's the same concept. It's still theft. These programs steal from artists without permission for the AI database. I've even seen someone using AI to edit a piece (avendell's art from grayscale to colored), which is as horrible as editing someone's typeset. I guess I'm just frustrated as an artist when I see such pretty books only to find out AI was used in the endpapers or dustjacket, and then see their friends cheering them on in the comments :/ It is so harmful to the art community, yet I feel like I can't speak up because many binders support it. I'd appreciate your thoughts on this though as a fellow artist

Hi! This is a very interesting ask and something I have been pondering for some time now but never really had the chance to put into words, so I will try me best to do it here :)

Disclaimer: those are my thoughts and observations about AI being used in book binds since I started binding almost 6 months ago. Please keep in mind this is just how * I * personally have decided to deal with my mutual using AI for their binds. I am not telling anyone that they should do or feel the same way as I do, each person has their own way to handle it.

Short answer: Have spoken up about this before, which you can find in a post here and also on my IG story, there is a highlight called “no AI”. This is mostly from when I first started binding. I think my tone there is a bit more aggressive because there were just a lot of penned-up frustrations LOL, but most of the things I said there I still stand by them.

Long answer under cut:

I’m an artist and have been drawing for 13 years now, and mostly hang out in the creative / artist sphere of the fandom sides online. Most artists do not support AI, and it has been incredibly frustrating to see how AI has just made life so much harder, from getting accused of using AI even though no AI is used, to seeing companies hiring artists who have also made a switch to AI and also support it, to Etsy sellers selling AI art on mugs and what not.

I was in the exact same spot as you when I was doing my social media research on how to get started with bookbinding, and spent a lot of time scrolling through other binders instagram accounts to see what they have made. I am in awe of what they can make because like every craft, it takes money and time and practice to get really good at it and I have seen so so so so many pretty books, but then also quite shocked at how most binders view on AI art differs so much from the art community. AI is used for typesets and endpapers and dust jacket, and scrolling through the comment sections, there was no one speaking out against AI art (or some did and got snarky replies or comments were straight deleted). This did discourage me at first from taking up a new hobby and being an active part of the community. I should add here though that no one has to make their hobby public and post everything they make. Personally, for me, I don’t have any IRL friends to talk about bookbinding or, and I’m also an introvert, so meeting and making new friends online to chat about hobbies is the best way for me to go. Also I just like sharing my work, I’ve put so many hours and time into it, why shouldn’t I get to show it off.

In the end, I have decided to make a book-binding account and be part of the fun and honestly, I don’t regret it. Everyone is super welcoming and will help you with any questions you have, I have made many great new friends and exchanged a few binds with people from across the pond.

And yes, some of those friends and mutual binders use AI for their book binds, I’ve had discussions with them about it, where everyone gave their input and thoughts on the topic in a respectful, mature, and civil conversation. Opinions are split on the topic in the binding community, this is what I have observed and gathered from my binding journey so far:

some people don’t know much about AI art or how it works, hence they decide not to touch it.

Some didn’t know how AI worked, dabbled with it, read up on and decided not to use it anymore.

Some have done extensive research on it with arguments from both artists and tech side, and then made a decision based on that

Some see MJ as another tool like Canva to make graphics or whatever for your bind.

Many binders use AI for their binds, because no money is made from it. It is (mostly) personal use, either for themselves or to gift away to friends.

One should always be transparent about whether MJ (midjourney) was used in their binds or not, to give people the choice to decide if they want to interact and support something with something that uses AI or not

Not all artists reply DM requests for permission to use their art for personal binds, or the art style / concept they have in their mind exists, so they resort to MJ as a quick solution

Not everyone has the money to commission artists, and especially for commissioned book binds, the prices for commercial art are not something everyone can afford.

The gist I got from the instagram binders (I don’t want to muddle them with AFB binders), is that they will try to use artist’s art with permission as much as they can, but roadblocks like the ones mentioned above happen and make them resort to MJ

Some artists do no want to be associated with AI at all so when they see that binders have used MJ for their binds before, they will not permit them to use their art

Some artists have spoken out against AI and talked with binders about the AI, but still take commissions / collab / trade with binders that have MJ works on their account

I see more artists permitting binders to use their art for binds than rejecting the request even though some of those binders used MJ in their binds. I do believe that most artists do a quick social media check and see what exactly their work is being used for before answering

Some binders are not fully active on IG anymore because they see so many AI being used

Many binders are still supporting artists in different ways such as subscribing to their patreon, donating to their ko-fi, buy their merch, share their art etc.

If given the chance, many binders would also love to collaborate with artists on a bind together - I’ve had several reach out to me and express their interest in collaborating together which I think is great.

About Avendell’s art being colored via AI: there is one known binder on IG that edits art without artist’s permission and we all do not like them LMFAO. All the binders I have hang out and spoken to respect artist’s boundaries and would not use their art or edit it without their permission.

The points above-mentioned are not me trying to justify and defend the binders that use MJ/AI, it is just me listing up my observations and things I have read and heard from binders that use AI.

I can’t fault artists for charging xxx amount for commissions because they have to make a living and pay bills too, but you also can’t condemn binders for not having the spare funds to commission artists because they also have bills to pay and groceries to buy.

So on the one hand, if I put myself in the binder's shoes, I do understand the appeal of MJ and understand to a certain extent why they use MJ for their personal works, no money is made etc etc etc. On the other hand, it’s AI/MJ and as an artist myself it is frustrating to see AI on my dashboard and until there is a more ethical way to use AI, the law has updated on the usage and the artists whose work were used to train the machines without their consent, I will not support AI.

AI art aside; binding books - especially a whole fanfic from scratch - requires so many other skills and labors put into making a book that also takes a long time and money invested to get better at. There is so much love and creativity put into a bind, and it amazes me what people can come up with that you most likely will never see in any mass production because it is a one-of-a-kind book. There are binders who have spent money purchasing stock image and font license for their personal binds, and will make sure they are respecting fanfic authors wishes and boundaries. For that, they have my admiration and respect and support and I am very happy to be still part of the community. I don’t think I need to get into how disrespectful the AFB Admin’s tone is in the overall post on top of them seemingly flipping off every one that is trying to have a civil conversation on the topic of sharing typesets without permission, editing art and straight up hold a best-copy-contest in a “”Private”” group that accepts pretty much any application and has over 6k members.

I don’t support AI, but I am very grateful that I have been welcomed very openly into a new community even though I have expressed freely in my public instagram account and on discord servers my disdain for AI. If I see my friends and mutual doing a bind where MJ is used, I simply don’t interact with the post, will not comment and share it in my stories, and move on. I personally don’t have the energy to comment and educate binders in comment sections for using MJ. I am friends with binders that use MJ, despite our different views on it, I have also blocked binders on insta because I do not agree with some of the things they said about AI and artists. And if binders do not want to interact with me because I don’t wanna support binds with AI - or artists do not want to talk to me anymore because I am friends and mutuals with MJ users, that’s fine too. I don't wanna get too caught up in the us (artist) against AI war, I wanna enjoy my new hobby and make pretty books.

I have been trying to incorporate more art that I draw myself into my binds and sharing WIPs and timelapses of the process, and I do hope that in some way this may help other binders also want to give digital art a go.

At the end of the day, it’s up to each individual both binders and artists how they wanna deal with MJ being used on binds and how they are gonna interact with it. I’ve decided for myself that I do not want to let my view completely stop me from enjoying what has been a wonderful community experience so far.

#ask box #egg fried penguin #book binding #bookbinding

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unhonestlymirror · 1 year

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"I will also write my reflection about the "shark". Because I've been thinking about it for the second day and still feel the need to write. This will be a long and possibly boring post. And for me, for some reason, this is not about humanism, with which, even during the 16 months of genocide and the horrors of war, Ukrainians, in my opinion, are fine. It's about somewhat double standards.

While studying the history of our Ukraine, I used to be often disturbed by the feeling that the world approached Ukrainians with some kind of prejudiced and overestimated bar.

During the Holodomor of 1932-1933, the Russians killed millions of Ukrainians, the world knew, but remained silent, even today they cannot take the Pulitzer Prize from the scoundrel - a servant of Stalin - Durante. And we are still fighting for full recognition of the Holodomor as Genocide and full condemnation of Russia for it.

During the Second World War, the vast majority of the European theater of war was on the territory of Ukraine. For 6 years, armies with two hateful regimes marched back and forth through our homes. Ukraine was not the only country that was occupied by the nazis (and before that by the Soviet Union), but we were the only ones who were always complained that the Ukrainians somehow did not survive the right way under the occupation. Claims that I have not heard in the same number about Western European countries.

During the first years of independence, after the completely unequal exchange of the 3rd largest nuclear arsenal in the world for a piece of paper from Budapest, after the first failed privatization reform with a frankly evil design, which, in the absence of the rule of law, people's funds and minimal financial literacy, became the basis of oligarchization, we more than someone were reprimanded for corruption, and at the same time they dealt with our oligarchs, as they did with Russian oligarchs for a long time - and with some still do. It does not mean that we did not have corruption, but most of our corruption chains were impossible without the participation of other countries.

During Russia's attack on us in 2014, there were too many examples that I personally remember of demands to Ukraine, especially regarding uncontrolled territories captured by the Russians, rather than demands to the aggressor.

During the 2015+ reforms, there were many important reforms recommended by the partners, but there were also decentralization, openness of public finances, international procurement and prozorro, digitalization, which you will not find in any international commitment until they become successful. And there were frankly failed reforms in the style of privatization in 1995, which turned into annual experiments with changes in laws without results. And as a small example - despite a successful track record, in 5 years in the Ministry of Finance and in the nomination committee, I did not manage to defend the simple and such a natural requirement of knowledge/study of the Ukrainian language by candidates for supervisory boards of state-owned companies, so as not to strengthen the inferiority complex.

And of course, I fully understand that we, Ukrainians, are not perfect. That there were crimes on our part, and there were crimes among us, and there was systemic corruption before 2013, and although it is no longer non-systemic, it unfortunately remained after that. That's why I always drove away such thoughts about the bias of the world, explaining to myself that: "Life is not fair, we ourselves must work harder and prove that we can" or "There is no globe of Ukraine. Everyone has their own interests. We need to grow up and fight for the interests of Ukraine in an adult way and not be emotionally offended" and in the end "this is a whole century of Russian propaganda, culture-multure and art, which they generously promoted for money and look at us through the prism of this anti-Ukrainian propaganda"

And somehow these explanations allowed me to turn unpleasant pages and direct all my energy to work. To prove that we, Ukrainians, can do everything and more. We can be the best international student, we can reduce the debt to less than 50% of GDP and the deficit below 2%. And the world will see and appreciate what kind of Europeans and democrats we are. That we are equal among equals.

So when I am now in the 16th month of the bloody massacre, which was arranged by the aggressive, inadequate Russian imperial neighbors in our country, when after Bucha, Mariupol, Kharkiv, Izyum, tortured women and children, our killed prisoners of war in Olenivka and tortured, barely alive soldiers, whom we receive from rashists in exchange, when our prisoners are cut off their heads and castrated on camera - and we all still adhere to the customs of war and all conventions, we save people and animals, when inhumans blow up a dam and drown whole regions in water - once again we hear that "you shouldn't joke like that", or "for some reason Ukrainians don't shake hands with some Russian athletes" or "Ukrainians refuse to speak at the same event with Russian imperial liberals" or "somehow the wrong chevrons were worn by those who use their bodies to close the civilized world from the Russian plague", this feeling of injustice in the approach to Ukraine creeps up on me again. It seems that the victim, who is fighting, is being denied even the right to an emotion towards the executioner. How once the Soviet Russians during the Holodomor denied us the right to mourn the dead and tried to steal even the memory of our grief.

Nevertheless, we have a goal - to survive and win. And we understand that achieving this goal is existentially important for Ukraine as a country and Ukrainians as people. That's why we will once again drive away these thoughts of injustice from us, and once again, we will do what we as Ukrainians know how to do - we will join the work with double strength. And we'll bite our victory out.

Glory to the Armed Forces of Ukraine, to all our defenders, and to our heroic people! ✊🏼🇺🇦"

#support ukraine #stop russian aggression #genocide of ukrainians #russia is a terrorist state

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liarian · 2 years

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Dead Ends

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

The click of the ceramic cup rattling against the wood of the desk made him look up from his homework. Arataka tried to cover up the scratches and the typo-stains with his hand. Kageyama-san didn't need to know that he was completely useless in physics and that at this rate he was going to fail the exam he had the next day.

"The printing company called, they already have the new brochures." Kageyama-san commented in a monotone voice. "Maybe it would do you good to go out for a while and clear your head?"

"I've got the exam mastered! I wouldn't even need to study!" Arataka laughed uproariously. "Do I look nervous?"

Kageyama-san said nothing and just sighed. Arataka didn't think twice. Anything was better than to keep tearing his hair out trying to figure out the vector formula.

It had taken him barely fifteen minutes to get to the printer. The owner hadn't even bothered to ask what he had come for. Everyone in the neighborhood knew Kageyama-san and it wasn't the first time Arataka had run his errands.

Back on the street, Arataka took one of the leaflets out of the brown envelope and looked at it with satisfaction. Arataka was proud of the new design, it had taken him about two hours of tinkering in his pirated version of Photoshop. Now all that was left to do was to distribute it to the neighborhood stores.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" Arataka shouted as two men came out of the alley so fast he barely had time to dodge them.

"Fucking nut job." The men ignored him, walking away as if they had seen the devil himself.

Arataka stared at them for a moment before turning his attention back to the alley. Whatever it was that had frightened those men had picked a bad place to cause trouble. Without a second thought, Arataka stepped into the alley. The smell of rotting garbage and dog piss made him gag. He just hoped there were no cockroaches. The atmosphere seemed to be charging with static electricity with every step. Arataka had known Kageyama-san long enough to recognize that feeling.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holed up in the most hidden corner of the alley, curled up in a ball on the cold ground, Katsuya hugged his umbrella. For a moment, he had forgotten how to breathe. The taste of blood invaded his mouth. The cut on his lip stung where he had bitten himself trying to control himself.

He only hoped he hadn't hurt anyone.

Katsuya had begged them to leave him alone. All he had asked them was not to break his umbrella but the guys had kept laughing and laughing.

Please, he didn't want to hurt anyone.

"Why can't you guys just leave me alone?" he mused as he noticed a new presence in the alley.

It was impossible for whoever was there to have heard him. His voice seemed to have faded, Katsuya too nervous and exhausted to make the effort to shout.

His fingernails dug hard into his palms. Katsuya tried to concentrate on the pain. The last thing he wanted was to worry his mother again. Sometimes, that was the only thing that helped him maintain tenuous control over his own power.

"Hey, you!" The footsteps kept getting closer. "Are you okay?"

Katsuya peered over his arms. The stranger had to barely be able to see his face. A small figure was backlit at the mouth of the alley. The sun's rays obscured his face.

"R-reigen?" Katsuya's voice staggered.

No matter how much time had passed, Katsuya would have recognized those eyes anywhere. His hands began to sweat. He could almost feel the blood rushing to his ears. It was impossible for Reigen to remember that fleeting encounter almost three years ago. They had barely exchanged a few words, but Katsuya was sure that instant had changed his life.

"You know me?" Reigen cocked his head to one side, his brow furrowed.

"Ah..." Katsuya scratched his head not knowing what to answer.

Maybe he was nothing more than a coward, but it would have been better if it had been anyone else who found him in that alley. The Reigen of his memories had always been a source of comfort to Katsuya. Life had taught him too many times that reality rarely showed mercy to people like him.

"It's you!" Reigen shouted pointing his finger at him. "I looked for you, you know, but who'd want to hang out with a brat." Something broke in Katsuya's heart as he heard the sardonic laughter. "At least it's not raining today."

Reigen sat down next to him, completely ignoring the objects fluttering around his head.

"Kageyama-san's office is next door, if you ever want to meet him. You never got to tell me your name."

"It's Katsuya Serizawa."

"Nice to meet you, Serizawa-san." Reigen offered him his hand. His smile this time seemed like the real thing.

#mp100 #reigan arataka #serizawa katsuya #fanfic #my own writing #serirei #mp100 ageswap

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empty-and-nameless · 2 years

Text

OUR FARM - KTH. PROLOGUE

» Part 1

MASTERLIST

× paring: kim taehyung x reader (female reader)

x warnings: mentions of death, grief, workaholic behaviour, flirting, in some chapters (maybe) smut but I'll give a warning

x genre: slow-burn, farm life, coming of age, AU

x rating: maybe some explicit scenes, minors dni

x word count: 954

x inspiration: The Hannah Montana Movie

x teaser: Y/N is the adopted daughter of a farmers couple. She lives in the big city now and is the head of a fashion label. One day she receives bad news that her parents died in a car crash and that she is now the owner of the farm her parents left behind. Now a journey of healing and learning to love begins....

P R O L O G U E

"Love is the greatest healing power I know. Love can heal even the deepest and most painful memories because love brings the light of understanding to the darkest corners of our hearts and minds..." -Louise Hay

Time heals all wounds. That's what they say. In my case the wounds are very fresh. It hurts, and hiding in my bed under my blanket like a kid won't make it any better, I know that I still do it though. But that's what grief does to you, you simply don't care anymore. Although it's been a month, the loss of my parents, the people that chose me, that adopted me and gave me a better life, is unforgettable and tears up my heart ever since it happened.

They died in a car crash, while driving up from their farm towards the big city I live in, they wanted to see me for summer break. Although they are not my birth parents, they are my only parents. The only people that ever took care of me, they chose me and they made me the person I am. Now they are gone and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. It's like everything lost its order, all food lost its taste, every sight lost its color. It felt like my life has been accompanied by joyful music since the day they adopted me as a 6-year-old and it stopped since I received the news about their death a month ago. Such a tasteless, silent, monotone life its been now.

While soiling in my own misery, my work cellphone rang. It played my mom's favorite song, 'Castle On The Hill' by Ed Sheeran, the tune made me think she is calling me, but that's just because the song reminds me of her. Why is it even the tune of my work phone anyways? I guess I just wanted to be reminded of them while working all the time. Although I am kind of a workaholic, this time I just thought about letting it ring, but then I figured that I should answer because it might just be my assistant Namjoon wondering when I will return to work. I run a fashion label called Purple™ in the city and what can I say, I've been kind of slacking off since a month, because dealing with grief is just too much. But me being the head of the company requires me being there and doing what a boss does. So I got myself together, wiped a few tears and picked up the phone. "Y/N? It's Namjoon" he said carefully. "Hello Namjoon..." I sighed. Word got around fast and the people at work now know that their cold-hearted boss is griefing. I'm second guessing that they may have lost a little respect for me, because I just vanished after what happened. I really needed that time, although it was not psychologically good for me to lock myself in my apartment and rely on my best friend Hoseok to deliver food to me now and then.

"I'll be really blunt with you Y/N...we need you back. People are going crazy here because we need the new collection ready by the end of September and our CEO and main designer just vanished for a month. I know you are griefing Y/N, but maybe work will get your mind off of that for a moment." Namjoon told me with a concerned voice. There was a long silence. "Y/N? Are you still there?"

I sighed a long sigh and wiped a few stray tears away. "The collection will be ready by then, tell everyone not to worry. I have everything under control. I come into work tomorrow. See you then, bye." I quickly said and hung up, too scared that my once steady voice might crack.

After a few minutes the phone rang again, disturbing me in my misery and playing said ringtone again. What does he want now, I said I'll be there?! "Namjoon I hate to tell you this but you're getting on my nerves. I'll be there by tomorrow!" I spat angrily into the phone. "Ms. Y/L/N? This is Mr. Kim Seokjin, the notary and lawyer of your parents. Did you expect a ca from someone else I can hang up and-" a different voice than Namjoon's said through the phone. "Oh my god I am so sorry, my assistant keeps calling me and...You know what, that's unimportant right now. What did you want to talk about?" I said in hasty voice, too embarrassed by this incident in which I shouted at some random man through the phone. It is official, I am done with this life.

"Ms. Y/L/N, I would rather discuss your late parents inheritance personally with you than on the phone. Is tomorrow at 12 o'clock okay? Maybe at your office, for I've noticed that you'll be there tomorrow anyways." He said in a teasing voice. "Yes sure, tomorrow at twelve is fine by me. I will check with my assistant and text you if I'm free. Do you know the address?" I asked him unsure. There was a laugh and then he said "I guess it is rather easy to find the highest skyscraper in thus city. I'm familiar with your company, but who isn't Miss." I was unsure on how I should answer to this statement so I just thanked him and told him we'll see each other tomorrow and hung up.

I'm wondering what he is on about. I couldn't remember that my parents even decided to make a will or wanted to pass something on after they die. My parents were 'live in the moment' kind of people and never planned that far in advance. But now I guess they did plan ahead.

So I texted Namjoon and he sets everything up for tomorrow. I have a feeling I'll be in for a suprise.

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batstickblog · 1 year

Text

6 archetypes of characters and themes for won’t want Mortal Kombat 1 Kombat Pack

Greeting fellow followers. Been awhile has done one of these. Isn’t rant or anything. It’s been a year since. I shared my thoughts on animation or a topic related to a certain issue related to a certain company sided with a party, one of the states against allowing discussion about social ideology like sexuality and gender identity. Ain’t talking, that’s my most popular post from last year and I want to try something different rather rely on old posts. Share my thoughts about the release announcement reveal trailer for Mortal Kombat 1 from NetherRealm Studios themselves. They put out that trailer and several outlets already released articles and breakdowns of what's well came from the next installment from the franchise. Already I've been a casual fighting game player. I Have played variations of fighting series across different franchises like Mortal Kombat, Darkstalkers, Tekken, Streets Fighters, Virtual Fighters, King of Fighters, Marvel vs. Capcom, Super Smash Brothers. Can list the rest of fighting’s games that I play. Would make a list of everything that’s played in my entire life. That’s for like any moment when I get around.

Already Mortal Kombat fan’s talk about guests characters. As pointed out, these are what they’re ever talking about. Besides the stories, characters and mechanics of the game, the team felt NRS was aware of this and teased fans to expect what guest characters will entertain mortal kombat like so many others, from God of War to Rambo. Between that is bunches of horror icons, comic books characters like Joker and Spawn and sci-fiction characters like Xenomorph, Yautja and T-800. Also with gaming outlets not confirmed. Speculating that Mortal Kombat 1 guest’s characters are Peacemaker, Homelander, Omni-Man and Conan. Everyone was excited about these and thak to the Elder Gods for that.

If the peaks are true, hope not. Don’t know there a majority of small MK fans that are not disappointed or not a fan of these early lists of guest fighters they are getting soon in Mortal Kombat 1. From their perspective they are excited for this because…What’s the point? Homelander and Omni-Man? They already have Evil Superman for Injustice, minus brutality in their shows. Well Injustice’s Superman is near lawful evil as Omni-Man and further than Mortal compass as Homelander (if you read the comic’s or watch the show’s to learn some horrible, terrifying and right-up mess actions that Homelander had done in both mediums).

Injustice Superman is good guys compared to Homelander. and they’re going to play the same type of fighters, again as Superman from previous games and they’d completely from the comic’s as strength and backstory, still going’s recycled or Tweak up there move sets make fans can’t tell difference a-little. Peacemaker, the show was popular (and don’t it either the show or the characters. Really fan of Peacemaker). Already a DC character appeared in Mortal Kombat and one Pleated completed about this because it’s Joker in the last Mortal Kombat. Why are they why the creative team wants to repeat the same theme for Kombat Pack.

For example, look at Mortal Kombat (2011) for download content of guest fighters Kratos (Greek Version) and Freddy Krueger. So Mortal Kombat 9 was a mix of both video games and horror representation. Mortal Kombat X was led into more horror with their kombat packs with guest characters like Leatherface, Alien, Predator and Jason (well action-horror with Alien and Predator. Both respected franchises, sequel and crossover are action orientated with horror elements mixed with. Jason X was part horror and part action/sci-fiction).

Mortal Kombat 11 has superior guest characters than X and 9. Spawn, Joker, Rambo, Terminator and RoboCop. Kombat Pack for Mortal Kombat 11 was a throwback of classic 80s action flicks and comic books. Now with Mortal Kombat 1. Kombat Pack already doesn't look that good, felt Kombat Packs are retaining the same idea from previously downloaded content packs. Ain’t felt different or has a theme to stand out from the rest of the Kombat Pack. It’s kind of like cooking your favorite kind of meat like beef, chicken or pork. Cooked anyway you like it. Would looks the same. In result it’s would end-up taste differently. That’s what Kombat Pack are each different flavors from a new Mortal Kombat game when released. Always a bit different from the previous entry in the title.

Return the Discussing on the Peacemaker. Let's be saved for when NetherRealm possibly make a next injustice after Mortal Kombat 1 (possibly when it would ever happen, sometime around mid-late 2020s). It’s great that Ed Boon and his team at NetherRealm Studios are listening to the community closely on most requests. At the same time boom and his studio really needed careful consideration when what third party they wanted included in Mortal Kombat. Ain’t saying is possible. Remembering has guests from other franchises ain’t easy. There needs to be a deal to be made and other parties are willing to allow any of these characters to make appearances outside their series, that's the company's own. Isn't an executive. Now has made a list of mixers of characters and type of themes for Mortal Kombat 1 Kombat Pack. That’s won’t or didn’t happen when revealed trailer for line-up of Kombat Pack after the game release afterwards.

Reused Old Guest Character

Not characters. Character. Has seen a lot of people and even articles that brought up many one character outside of the Mortal Kombat universe. Requested his return to Kratos from God of War. Everyone needs to be calm and reasonable. They want Kratos back, not as old rage-destructive, ruthless, violent, brutal Sparta from Greek saga. Norse Kratos from 2018's God of War and God of War Ragnarök. More wise and civilized, still a berserk fighter when either those closest to him are not in near danger.

Reason

These aren't third-party games. A guest isn’t a major character. They're one time appearances despite different versions of them. Don’t bring-up echo/clone characters or two were versions of characters like Regular Mario or Dr.Mario in Smash they’d be completely different. As much like Kratos. His right-up aside many established franchise characters like Master Chief, from the sixth generation era. Kratos or Norse Kratos is not personal for me. Rather want new guest fighter instead rehash old guest fighters from previous titles that came before it.

Horror Characters

Right of the bat. Is horror. Mortal Kombat has a well known reputation within the Horror community and embraced the genre as a whole. Freddy made his guest appearances in Mortal Kombat 2011, following with its 2015 sequel Mortal Kombat X with Jason and Leatherface. Since then fan’s requested other horror characters in the next Mortal Kombat. Seen a lot of popular suggestions for icon horror and slasher’s characters, even recently new ones from a wide variety of potential guest characters like Michael Myers, Pinhead, Ghostface, Pennywise, Chucky, Megan and plenty horr. Sadly alongside seemingly fan’s requests ever since Mortal Kombat X or 11? Is groovy chainsaw-wielding, boomstick-blasting wisecracking Ash Williams (believe less few years back around 2019-2020 that’s Bruce finished with character, and didn’t respire his in live-action or probably included video game anytime).

Reason

Michael Myers, Pinhead and…Pennywise would believe visuals could believe those three would translate into the world of Mortal Kombat. Ghostface or Chucky can’t imagine those two stand against…No go against one of fighters who are literally god or have element mythos abilities that can set you on fire or rip-out your soul from y’all, physical body. Horror has worn out the meriden in Mortal Kombat. With nine and tenth main installments in the Mortal Kombat or first two games of NetherRealm Trilogy. It’s preferable that NetherRealm Studios shouldn’t put any horror or slashers killers in Mortal Kombat 1 or any future games for a while if they’re chosen. Horror is everyone's favorite type of genre, myself included. In the game (isn’t Deaf by Daylight) as Mortal Kombat. Definitely not for a while.

Movie Licenses Characters

Mortal Kombat narratives felt when watching a movie. Fitting during the early development days way back to the first original Mortal Kombat. Originally the team at Midway was going to adapt Bloodsport in the game. All that’s changed thanks to the commercial success of Capcom's Street Fighter II: The World Warrior. Midway Games allows Boon and his team to create their own arcade fighting game, known as Mortal Kombat and cultural influence has had in the gaming industry for 30 years. Gone this strong after these years. Even though Jean-Claude Camille was announced in Mortal Kombat 1 as Kameo Fighters, with complete likeness. Since then with the last release Mortal Kombat 11 with 80s action characters from The Terminator, RoboCop to Rambo himself. Alongside the three appearances after Mortal Kombat 11. Quickly floated by fans, many movie characters wanted to be seen in Mortal Kombat games like John Wick, Mad Max, The Bride (Kill Bill), Riddick, Voldemort and “Sigh” Darth Vader. What’s any scenario is that Disney, Lucasfilms, NetherRealm Studios and Warner Bros. Games negotiated an agreement to make a deal allowing one of the Star Wars most iconic villains ever like Darth Vader in Mortal Kombat. No way unlikely will happen unlike pre-Disney Star Wars did with Soul Calibur IV.

Reason:

As much love as characters from my favorite movies engage in Kombat one versus one fight. Mortal Kombat should have laid-back these cinematic influences. Includes NetherRealm pouring how much money through getting these actors' approval allowing linkness to be used by the characters they portrayed from films to appear in the game. Maybe Mortal Kombat Fans would see John Wick pinned against someone like Scorpion, Liu Kang or Johnny Cage. Don’t get me wrong, it's flawless to see that with creativity the way badass fiction cinematic stars would do with their own fatalities. I am good that’s should leave out any more movie’s characters for Mortal Kombat 1. Three action stars are enough for Mortal Kombat 11. Let's find new gimmicks of guest characters for Kombat Pack. Please. Found better options for guest fighters including license out movie characters. Known studios would want either Neo or John Wick in one of their games. Even as Reeves fans I had to no. I love The Matrix and John Wick. Those are favorites of Keanu Reeves movies, strongly disagreeing on them being in Mortal Kombat.

Comic Books Characters

Homelander or Omni-Man, that's this leak to be rumored. Not if confirmed. Seems people on the Internet believe and accept any information is true or not, that’s their beliefs. That era is currently where we are now. Mortal Kombat 11 when first announced that Spawn and Joker were coming. I was massively excited for these. Mostly Spawn, in classes during the course of winter semester the trailer with that incredible song playing during gameplay’s footage Spawn fought Scorpion. If’s was during the 90s that’s a dream crossover from my inner 90s younger self would rationalize most early entertainment mediums between comics like Spawn or video games like Mortal Kombat across together. Now since Mortal Kombat 11. Began seeing a lot of fans suggesting and wanting guest comic’s books in Mortal Kombat. Judge Dread. The Mask, Crow, V, WitchBlade, Shredder and of course, DC characters DC likes Deathstroke and Harley Quinn. So what’s i think about the whole thing, with honest opinions of me?

Reason:

Homelander and Omni-Man are too similar and would play the same archetype of Superman from similar, besides being twisted dark take on Man of Steel while they pretend to be heroes. They also both only been talked about because if leaks are true not be true or not. Either Warners Bros: Games or NRS only allowed these to capitalize both series popularity on Amazon Prime and due to massive fan’s demands. Plus got Peacemaker, why not save for the next Injustice then ever be a sequel to Injustice 2 or something like that. Isn’t because the show found popularity because with Injustice restrictions some of these violent comic books characters personality…Already not their personality. Movesets and not get to see all that bloody fatalities, that’s not seen in Injustice’s games. Didn't go against Comic Books Characters in fighting games like Mortal Kombat. My two characters want to see not in Mortal Kombat. Injustice instead. Jackie Estacado and Judge Dredd. Sure those two fit much better within Mortal Kombat. Judge Dredd and The Darkness are different and make sense. Because both series have connected with DC in the past with crossover issues from Judgment on Gotham to The Darkness/Superman. Invincible and The Boys have no connections and no context, for large amounts of fan’s requests. NetherRealm uses Homelander or Omni-Man as an excuse to allow developers to create brutal, impactful and bloody move sets for both Superman Analogues, which they couldn't do with the actual Superman from Injustice game.

Video Games Characters (the rights picks)

Past decent now or less than that’s since Kratos made his appearance in Mortal Kombat reboot 2011 game. Everyone Mortal Kombat wanting any video game’s characters to appear next in Mortal Kombat. Has seen suggestions of characters as Altair, Alex Mercer, Marcus Fenix (originally planned for MK9 for only Xbox exclusive, ultimately got scrapped), Raiden (MGS), Gabriel Belmont, Sweet Tooth, Akuma, Fulgore, Reaper, Sephiroth, Talion, Nemesis…Springtrap seriously and among the rest why Springtrap, from Fives Nights at Freddy? Don’t get the joke of it. This is what any fighting game fan dreams of. A roster filled with their favorite icons characters like in games like Mortal Kombat. Mortal Kombat is like Smash Bros. If Smash bros were T or less M rating. I read one reddit post complaining about how Mortal Kombat fans discuss guest characters from different franchises from other games.

Reason:

Really nothing against the idea of video games representation in Mortal Kombat. All guest video games characters have a chance. For a while make your own list of guests that are not definitely. Thought’s made sense from both technical and gameplay perspective-wise. If you don't accept them, that’s fine. While suggestions of some of the characters like Sephiroth, Raiden (Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance) or Reaper are fun to imagine, I didn’t really find myself to be pleased or happy if NetherRealm announces any characters that feel out of place. Specifically satisfied that’s small percentage of fans wanted their favorite game character without a second thought throughout development.

Doom Slayer

Everyone needed to hear me out first. Hear me out first! Calm downs. These my personal hot takes, known how’s internet rioting up that’s you didn’t agree with the majority of people with them. Already. Don’t want Doom Slayer in Mortal Kombat. I Have a very good reason. Before grabbing your chainsaw and wanting to Rip and Tear for my heresy against my thoughts for not wanting Slayer in Fighting game, let me explain why I don't think that Doom Slayer is not a bad fit but isn't the first choice of characters. I want to see Mortal Kombat.

Reason:

How I disagree fan-favorite requested guests characters like Michael Myers or Homelander that’s has seen multiple times are highly requested characters from everyone felt like no one thought up any original guest characters for Mortal Kombat. They’d agree to that person list and copy off that person and add that one character place to aid those guest characters that everyone who’s all agreed want to see. For me. I am not following the same list or feeling in the same mindset on it. As a fellow fan of Doom. From playing all mainline games, collecting novels/art books and following the Doom community. Since then it has appreciated old-school shooters like Doom in recent years. Learn the acknowledgement about the development game cycles due to how this one of not the greatest but important games to gaming industry and culture revolution. Those who made some good arguments and points why Doom Slayer. Thought maybe instead about one of the Slayer ancestors? Would explain that later for another time.

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nachosncheeze · 2 years

Text

Nothing Else To Think About (Blindspot 3x12 fic/extra scenes)

Also on AO3.

I want love back in my life. So do I.

Jane owes her husband an apology, and they're gonna have to work on it. Beginning with the final Jeller scene of 3x12, this post-ep is the third and final part of my mid-season 3 Jeller stories following on from my 3x11 fics "The Company You Were Keeping" and "A Pretty Good Reason", but it can also be read as a stand-alone. It's an attempt to fill in some of the blanks that canon left behind, in a manner that hopefully makes the growing strength of their bond through the rest of the season feel a little more natural. Contains mild spoilers through most of the rest of season 3, but nothing that'll ruin any big twists.

A note on timelines can be found below the cut for the curious, before the story.

Thank you once again to the lovely @lurkingwhump for encouraging me to explore and write out my take on Jeller's midseason drama. Hopefully this addresses some of the gaps in canon in a way that feels honest, and I hope everyone enjoys it. Let me know what you think. :)

Content warning for mentions of infidelity.

~~~~~

A note on the timeline: This story can generally be taken as fitting within canon, with the caveat that the canon timeline of events for when Jane was on the run is muddy at best, with a lot implied or open to interpretation and very little shown with certainty. In order to make this story happen I had to get pretty specific about developing a workable headcanon/interpretation built from the breadcrumbs provided on-screen.

I expect the most unusual aspect of this version of events for many will be that for my purposes Jane and Clem's association lasted only 3 to 4 months after Paris, and ended shortly before her close call in Switzerland and subsequent trip to Berlin. The money on the bed was all Clem's in this interpretation; some of it earned before he learned her name in Paris, making his "6 months" comment part of a sales pitch to convince her to form a more permanent partnership. That also places their tryst right around the lonely milestone that is the one-year mark since Jane left home, though you won't catch her explicitly saying so or using it as an excuse. Hopefully everything else will come through well enough in the story, but if anyone wants to know the details or where I got any of it, I can make a separate post.

Everything I've used does all technically fit into the spaces that canon left behind, but I realize it will differ greatly from some headcanons, so if it doesn't work for you please feel free to treat this as "canon divergent" instead.

~~~~~

Jane stood outside the door to the apartment she shared with her husband. Or… had shared with him, until she had walked away from him and out of this same door, furious and sad to the point of numbness, leaving her wedding ring behind. She stared at the numbers on its surface, breathing deep, trying to stave off a rising wave of panic. She had left the hotel, packed her few things and checked out, planning not to return there. She knew it was the right call to deprive herself of an out, but now that she stood outside what had been her home, her mind was a silent cacophony of anxieties and discordant thoughts. Her head said ‘just open the damn door,’ her heart said ‘you need to see him,’ but her feet and her stomach said ‘run,’ so she simply stood, trying to quell the noise inside her.

It had been one hell of a day that had brought her here. She thought listening to Kurt jumping out of a plane not that long ago had been hard, but he’d had a chute. She knew he did, he had to. He’d known what he was doing. And she was still angry, Avery was still dead; it was a near miss but it was a miss, so there was no need at the time to make haste in processing what she was feeling. It had turned out Avery was alive though, and she was safe now under the watchful eyes of Jane’s FBI colleagues. So when Reade revealed the significance of the location the militia was taking Kurt and his undercover partner to, suddenly all she could think about was her husband trapped in a bunker, underground, outnumbered and overwhelmed. She’d nearly panicked then, too, fighting to push away a rush of mental images of that bunker becoming a tomb. Her heels and knees had bounced as she sat, twisting her hands in her lap, chewing her lip throughout the brief helicopter ride to be his rescue.

When they landed and grabbed their gear, she took the grenade launcher. If those assholes managed to take him down, there would be no arrests; she was going to make sure every single one of them went down with him.

And now, standing before nothing more than a wooden door, that resolve was nowhere to be found. She was absolutely terrified.

She took a last deep breath to steel herself and knocked, then fitted her key into the lock without waiting. She knew that if his mood was anything like hers had been lately, he wouldn’t answer, hoping that whoever was there would just go away.

She stepped over the threshold and bumped the door shut behind her. He was on his feet at the sight of her, a glass of scotch in his right hand and the other hidden in his pocket. “Hey,” was all he offered.

“I’m not letting Roman win,” she responded without preamble.

He looked to the side, shuffled his feet, then leaned his shoulder against the door frame from the lounge. He’d been wishing for this, to see her back in this place where she belonged. But then he’d learned about Clem, and now that the moment had arrived, he didn’t know what to say. Somehow it felt like neither of them belonged there. You have to try, he reminded himself unnecessarily. “What happened? Everything alright?”

It was her turn to look away, again grasping for the courage that always seemed automatic when looking down the barrel of a gun but was shredded to straws under his guarded expression. “No, uh… and it might not be for a while.” She walked further into the apartment, giving a helpless shrug. “Look, I know that you have a history of being let down by the people you love.” He shifted again, half turning from her as though he wanted to leave and escape the conversation. But he stayed. “Your father, your old partner… me. But knowing why you lied about Avery doesn’t make me feel any less betrayed. And that… hurt… may never go away.” He looked at the floor, nodding his resignation. She didn’t stop. “But all of this has just made me feel so… lonely. Afraid to trust the people I should believe in the most.”

He met her eyes then and straightened from the door frame, Allie’s words echoing in his ears. She was out there alone for a long time, but that doesn’t sound like the Jane I know. Trust had been at the heart of them from the beginning. She'd given it to him, unwaveringly, from almost the first moment they met, and he had returned it from the moment Chao's blade met his skin at the top of the Statue of Liberty. They'd bruised and broken and mended their trust more than once since, but… even at its lowest, he had always loved her. And she'd always loved him. It wasn't easy. It was absolutely worth it. That, at least, was something he knew. He started moving toward her.

“And that is exactly what Roman wants,” she was continuing, “I’m not gonna give it to him. Because I wanna trust Avery. I wanna work this out with you. I want love back in my life.”

He finally found his voice. “So do I.”

She blew out the breath she’d been holding and nodded, her chin quivering slightly, and they both stood staring, glassy-eyed, at one another.

It was Kurt who broke the silence, stepping a little closer and extracting his left hand from his pocket. Things weren’t right between them, and she was right, they wouldn’t be for a while. But she had come home, and maybe that was enough of a starting point for the minute. “Come on,” he said, tilting his head back toward the lounge. For a moment, she didn’t move.

It could be all too easy. She had no idea what he was thinking or what he wanted now, but he at least seemed willing to let her back into their home. She could feel the tension in him, and his pain matching her own, but also his relief at her presence and her intention to stay. Maybe he meant to leave their sleeping dogs to lie, just for tonight, and spend the rest of the evening simply easing back into the idea of sharing space. He was reaching for her hand, and she gave it to him, feeling his fingers gently closing around her own.

He turned and began leading her toward where he had been sitting, and she watched his back, his feet, their hands as she followed in numb silence. And suddenly all she could see was his wedding ring; the way it dully reflected the dim light feeling like a blinding glare.

She’d been hiding behind the icy wall she’d put up between them, scrawling messages to herself on its surfaces, assuring herself that his transgressions were the greater, his lies the more dire, her injury the more grievous. Even as she had stepped through the door to their home, having rehearsed precisely what she wanted to say, she braced for disaster by telling herself over and over that between the two of them, she had nothing more to apologize for. She had to believe it, because if he threw her out - and she had half-believed he would - she didn’t know how else she could survive it. But now that he hadn’t, she realized that what she was left with was less a wall or a shield and more a cold, hard brick of shame lodged somewhere behind her navel.

She stopped and pulled her hand from his, looking at the floor so that she didn’t have to see the hurt and confusion on his face as he turned to look back at her. Not talking about things was what had brought them here, and maybe this wasn't the best time, maybe neither felt ready for this conversation, but she didn’t want to repeat that mistake. She didn’t want any more misunderstandings, didn’t want him thinking for even one more moment that her foolish indiscretion had been a rejection or any other kind of comment on him. He was worth so much more than that; he deserved to know the truth. And she knew that they could never be ready for something like this. Whatever either of them intended, she owed it to him to do it now, if he would hear it, rather than risk that morning light and the crazy realities of their days might bury it all under other people's crises again.

“We… we should talk,” she stuttered. She saw his expression crumble, the relief seeming to abandon him, and suddenly she realized that in that moment, he was afraid of her. Afraid of what she might say, or maybe of how much more she might ask of him. “I mean… I should talk. I mean, I owe you… an explanation.”

His jaw flexed, and he glanced back and forth between her and nothing in particular a few times as he considered her offer. At last he nodded and turned his back on her, stepping back through the double doors into the lounge. She was frozen, wondering if the reminder of what she’d done had been too much for tonight after all, if he was going to keep right on walking, close a bedroom door behind himself and leave her there. Instead, he pushed aside the footstool with his knee and dropped back into his chair with an exhausted sigh, then gestured vaguely to the room in front of him.

“Okay,” he said, “then explain.”

She moved tentatively toward him and settled gingerly on a spot on the floor, in front of him, but not too close. “I’m not… even sure where to begin,” she confessed. She had known since that heated moment on the plane that this had to happen sometime, but she was so scared that he’d never give her the chance that she had doubled down on her anger, never allowing herself to consider what she would actually say. After several long moments of watching her mouth work soundlessly to no avail, he finally put her out of their misery, clearing his throat as he leaned forward. He rested his elbows on his knees, his hands hanging limply between them, one still loosely holding his glass of scotch.

“You knew I wanted to go with you, but you took off without me. I’m thankful that you put Bethany first. But you took off your ring.” He stopped short and swallowed down hard on the bile that suddenly seemed to be rising in his throat. She reached out gently as if to touch him, but withdrew her hand when he flinched. The action seemed to give him the push necessary to say what he needed to next. “I don’t want to know. I really, really don’t. But I think… I need to. We were happy, Jane. So… what happened?”

“I thought…” she hesitated. “No,” she corrected, then started again, stronger. “I left my ring for a reason. Part of it was about blending in, hiding the things I love. I left to keep you both safe, and if someone made me, if they saw that ring and saw that I was still…” still in love with you - she swallowed the words, “I had to keep you safe. I thought I’d be able to finish it, and come home.

“But… I knew there was a chance that it wouldn’t work. I didn’t want to hide that from you. I left it where I knew you’d find it, so you wouldn’t have to wonder what I’d done. And if I couldn’t make it back, for whatever reason… I didn’t want you stuck with me. My past just keeps coming back to haunt you, and that's not fair. I don't want that for you. I wanted you to know that… even if I wasn’t there, even if it wasn’t with me, more than anything… I wanted you to be happy.”

“I made a vow, Jane,” he said quietly. “And I meant it. There was no ‘happy’ for me without you.”

She glanced away, trying not to let her entire world crumble at the word 'was'; past tense. “I made that vow too,” she offered weakly, unthinkingly. And I broke it, she admonished herself silently. She heard him give a single, humorless little snort. He no longer had the energy to say it aloud, and she didn’t have the strength to, terrified that if she did, the sober reality of it would be the death of them. The silence hung heavy between them.

“I fucked up, Kurt,” she said finally, her trembling voice little more than a whisper. He glanced at her in surprise - she almost never swore, especially since Bethany had come into their lives - but he looked away just as quickly, knowing that if he continued looking his tears would spill over and never stop. Or worse, he might reach out to hold her and tell her it was okay.

It wasn’t okay.

“I fucked up,” she said again, louder but no less broken, “so badly. There’s no excusing it. I can’t undo it. I’d say I don’t know what I was thinking, but really, I just can’t believe how foolish I was.” She went quiet again.

He didn’t want to know what she had been thinking, leaving him behind and getting that close with another man; couldn’t imagine any line of thought that wouldn’t cut him to the bone. He halfway wished he could stop this and pretend the whole thing was just some terrible dream. But he understood what she was trying to do; trying to come to account so that whatever way things resolved, they could walk forward and away from this nightmare with something of their senses of selves intact. It was the same thing he’d done the night he’d finally told her the truth about Berlin. He knew there would never really be any going forward for them, not as individuals and definitely not together, if he didn’t ask. Allie was right. His imagination was running wild, and even if he didn’t want to hear it, it was information. Information he needed.

Finally, he gently cleared his throat. “So what were you thinking?” he asked, the subdued sound breaking her heart with the vulnerability it showed. For all his gruffness and all his walls, Kurt had always been strong, and had always worn his heart on his sleeve for her, even if he sometimes liked to pretend it wasn’t there. This quiet reservation, a man hidden back behind walls she couldn't scale… she didn’t know how to deal with it. She wished he would meet her eyes, but knew she didn’t deserve to ask that of him. She didn’t know where to start, or where to finish, or what to put in between. So she just let the words flow, throwing her crimes out on the carpet along with their fate. It wasn’t up to her anymore. Maybe it wasn’t up to either one of them.

“It wasn’t… a relationship. At least, not like you were implying, on the plane. We worked together. When I started doing K&R, I did it alone. We crossed paths a couple of times on jobs. On one job, we got to the hostage at the same time. There was no one I could trust out there, and I sure as hell didn’t trust him. But he didn’t fight me; he agreed to split the reward. Unfortunately he was still using Dwire for backup then, so you can imagine how that went. That ass knocked us both out and stole our pay.

“Clem…” she paused, almost choking on the name. “We backed each other up on a few jobs after that. After those first few, he admitted that he knew about the bounty, and he'd known for a while. He'd kept working with me in spite of it. It seemed like I could at least trust that he wouldn't sell me out for that, so I kept working with him. He became... a friend.” She paused, trying to gather herself again, trying to find her voice for the confession they both knew was next.

“It had been a few months since we started calling each other for backup, and after one really tough rescue I stayed to celebrate instead of just taking my cut and leaving. I thought it would be like our team does after we close a tough case. It would just be… nice, to be around another person for a while. But then he made a pass, and I thought…” she closed her eyes and took a big breath, “I thought about all that time. About how long I’d been gone, and how I’d wanted you to be happy, how I left my ring so that you could be in case... in case I didn’t come back. And for a minute, I fooled myself into thinking you were. It had been so long, you must be. You must have moved on.”

She saw him very subtly shaking his head.

“I know,” she said sadly, answering his unvoiced protest. Kurt Weller was loyal to a fault; he would have been right to scoff at her, to scream it in her face. But he didn’t. “I know,” she repeated, “…and I knew it right away then, too. I’ve made a lot of mistakes since we met. So many. But that…” she trailed off, shaking her head as the tears that had been gathering in her eyes thickened, blurring him from her sight. She couldn’t say it was the worst of her mistakes. Her mistakes had gotten Mayfair killed; they’d nearly robbed her brother of his whole life and condemned him to the CIA. Instead, she’d let him go and gotten her team, her husband, even the daughter she hadn't known she had, all ensnared in this mess of revenge or whatever the hell else Roman was playing at. They were all terrible mistakes. But Clem was by far her most foolish. She’d given up her faith in the person she should have believed in the most. That wasn’t Roman’s doing. She’d done it all on her own.

“There’s no excusing it,” she stated again. “I was lonely, but it just made me feel even lonelier. It was a mistake, and I felt so foolish. I think some part of me knew that you were still out there, somewhere, waiting for me. Keeping your vows. And I failed.”

She could have stopped there and let her ownership of that failure stand on its own, but she knew there would always be unanswered questions and doubts if he didn’t have the full story. She needed him to believe, to understand, that it had started and ended in a single, stupid night. She pressed on.

"I didn’t wait; I left that night. I never spoke to him again, not until I called him about Avery. That was before you told me about Berlin. Finding people is his job, and he’s good at it… he can do things the FBI can’t, things you and I couldn’t do without risking our jobs and our future. I just wanted to know she was safe.” She realized she was starting to spiral into trying to justify herself again, so she closed her eyes again to breathe through it. “I never expected that he would come to New York.”

“But once he was here, you thought you’d get back in touch,” he said flatly. Given the short notice on which Clem had arrived at the airstrip for their rescue mission to Berlin, he had already suspected the man had come stateside before Patterson found Avery, and he had a hunch that meeting up on the plane wasn’t their only recent encounter.

“Well…” she said awkwardly, knowing that she had to be completely honest, “no. Before Patterson found Avery, he got in touch. It was the day we rescued those Camp Iko refugees. I told him that Avery had died, and he wanted to come see me that morning, at the NYO. I hung up on him. But… I was so confused. I went to see him after work; I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just… wanted someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t feel caught in the middle between you and me. Nothing happened, but it wasn’t right. He doesn’t want to be friends. I’m not sure he ever really did.”

No fucking kidding, Weller found himself thinking, but he stopped himself from voicing it out loud. He tried to put it in context again - the Jane I know, as Allie had said. Jane, who was brave, and fierce, and boundlessly empathetic towards those in pain, but had very little clue about romance and almost no experience to build on. She had dated precisely one normal guy, for a long and rewarding few weeks, before choosing her husband. Zapata and Patterson had taken her out sometimes for drinks back in the early days, but he didn't know if she'd ever gotten a date out of it. Had she ever even really spoken to any guys before Oliver? Apart from him… and Oscar.

He needed to refocus on the subject at hand, make sure there was nothing else he was missing. “You said you left him that night, in Europe. What happened?”

She sighed, rubbing a hand over her face in frustration. “I fucked that up, too,” she admitted. “I guess by working with one crew, turning up with the same partner on multiple jobs, I made myself predictable, too easy to find. Until that day, I mitigated the risk by not sticking around a moment more than was absolutely necessary. When I realized how badly I'd messed up, I left him in a hurry, but I was distracted. The bounty hunters must have been watching, waiting for me to be alone. When I bolted, I played right into their hands. I didn’t get very far before they caught up with me, and I barely made it out. That was how I ended up in Berlin, like I told you; I lost my go-bag.” She chewed on her lip for a minute, looking somehow frustrated and lost at the same time.

“I knew I had to leave Europe, so I picked up my stash, bought new papers from Max, and ran. I didn't really know where I was going, but I had more than enough to get by, so staying off the radar and getting as much distance as I could was more important than anything else. I headed east, alone, as quickly and quietly as I could. Then there was an accident. When I woke up, over a week later, I was far away from where I had been... and somehow, the money was still there. It made no sense at the time, but I guess that was when Roman tattooed me, and he must have been the one to leave me with the monks. They were kind, it seemed safe, and things there were simple, so once I recovered I just… stayed."

He thought about pointing out that she could have come home, but it didn't seem like a useful time to rehash that argument. It wouldn't change anything, anyway. What was done was done and all they could control was what they each chose next.

“I needed to be alone. Somewhere I could leave my mistakes behind, but still keep you and Bethany safe,” she explained, as if she could read his thoughts. “And even if I could somehow keep the bounty hunters off my tail, I felt like… I’d lost the right to come home. I don't know if it was guilt or grief or just… fear, that drove me up the mountain. But once I was there, I stayed because it was so far off-grid that no one would find me, and if I couldn't be with you… at least I could live a life that wouldn't have hurt you more.

"And then when I saw you there, still wearing your ring… I was so overwhelmed. I didn't deserve that; you don't deserve what I did. And I shouldn't have kept it from you."

He nodded solemnly, staring into his drink as he processed everything she’d just told him. “Would you ever have told me?” he asked.

She glanced to the side, drawing a deep breath. “Honestly? I don’t know,” she answered. “I regret it; of course I do. I'd like to say there's not a day that goes by that I haven't been eaten alive by my guilt, but the truth is… after a while, I sort of started to forget about it.” She shuffled closer to him on the floor, trying to catch his eyes, silently begging him to see her sincerity. “You, Kurt… here, in front of me, beside me… there's nothing else to think about. You're… everything." He sniffled at that, and she saw him quickly swipe a single tear from his cheek with his thumb, but he still wouldn’t look at her. She feared he never would again.

“Life has given me so many reasons to doubt myself,” she said, and that was the crux of it all, wasn’t it? She doubted that she was worth it; had always doubted that she was enough for him, enough to deserve or keep him. For a brief, crazy moment, she’d let her self-doubt expand and fill her until she’d doubted him. But right now this wasn’t about her – or at least, not about her pain and insecurities. He’d been trying to apologize, trying to reach for her while she’d been keeping a secret of her own, only to throw it in his face the moment he was within arm’s reach. This was her turn for coming clean. “But ever since we finally got together, you never gave me a reason to doubt you.”

“And now we’ve both given each other reasons,” he said.

She nodded sadly. “I was wrong,” she said simply.

“So was I.”

“And Kurt… I’m–” her breath caught in her throat as he finally lifted his head to meet her eyes – “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” he whispered, “me too.”

They sat staring at each other for a long, long moment, remorse and pain so thick in the air that time seemed to stop.

“So what happens now?” she asked.

He leaned back in his chair, looking lost in his grim thoughts. "We’ve both made terrible mistakes," he started slowly. "This is going to take time. We have to learn how to stop… protecting each other, with little lies and half-truths. I think the betrayal of keeping those secrets has hurt us even more than the secrets themselves ever would have."

She nodded agreement at that.

"But… I want to work on it, with you," he finally said. "As much as it all hurts right now… you're it for me, too."

She pursed her lips to the side in what could have been a ghost of a smile, if she hadn’t been working so hard to blink back tears. She wanted to reach for him, but didn’t quite know how. She wasn’t sure he would welcome her touch just then. Truth be told, despite what he’d said, she feared that the image of another man’s hands on her would drive his touch away forever.

But despite the chasm between them, it still seemed as if he could almost read her mind. Or maybe they just wanted the same things. Her eyes were drawn to his lap as his hand slid forward to rest on his knee, as if he, too, wanted to reach for her but couldn’t quite find the courage. She tentatively lifted her own hand, silently asking for permission as she slowly bridged the gap. It was a stuttering dance between them, an old engine shuddering to life - his fingers alone lifted from the denim of his jeans, her hand moved a little closer through the empty air, and they both watched as her fingers finally found the spaces between his. They laced together, his palm at last leaving his knee to press into hers. It wasn’t quite like the opening of a floodgate, but her motion was smoother and less hesitant when a moment later the rest of her followed, just a little closer, to rest her head lightly on his knee. The back of his thumb found her cheek and she exhaled, feeling him exhale with her. A moment later he set down his glass and placed his newly freed hand on the side of her head, stroking her hair.

Then she went very still. That gentle touch was the final straw. He felt her tears on his thumb, one, then another, and she heard his sharply indrawn breath as he tugged lightly on her hair, coaxing her to look at him so she could see his tears start to fall, too. Not leaving her alone; showing her that he was right there with her, even in their pain.

She raised up on her knees between his feet, tugging his hand towards her heart. As soon as she was sure it would stay there she moved her own hand to his, and the two sandwiched those hands between them as they finally embraced. His body shook with a single, heavy sob, and he turned his face into her neck. She held him there, murmuring again and again how much she loved him as they both let the pain flow from their bodies to soak each other’s shirts.

After a while their sobs subsided to shaky, hitched breaths, and gradually to quieter sniffles. Kurt turned his palm from her chest, curling his fingers around the back of her hand to keep it over his heart while his other hand eased her back a bit so he could look at her. “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked with a fragile, watery half-smile.

She regarded him intensely and brushed her fingertips down his cheek, wiping away a lingering tear. “Yeah,” she nodded after a few heartbeats, sniffling with a fragile half-grin of her own.

“You’re gonna have to reach the glass, though,” he motioned to the other side of the small room. “Someone’s got me pinned.”

She rewarded his attempt at teasing with a look before she extracted herself and reached out on her hands and knees to pull a second glass off the low shelf and pass it to him. He poured and handed it back to her, then picked up his own glass and raised it a little. “To truth?” he suggested, then added, “Whole truths.”

“No matter how painful,” she agreed.

“And never, ever giving up,” he finished, and she smiled a little more genuinely as she clinked her glass with his and took a sip. After a moment, she turned, settling again on the floor and leaning back against the chair between his knees. He set the record player going, soft music filling the air, and he brushed his hand just once through her hair. She leaned into the touch, then reached up to take his hand over her shoulder, and they sat quietly sipping their drinks, sharing the air with each other and their own battered thoughts.

After a while, he found something more to say. Her fingertips were idly stroking the back of his hand, lingering from time to time to toy with his wedding band. “It’s where you left it,” he murmured, knowing without a doubt that she was thinking about her own ring. He was, too. “I… couldn’t touch it.”

“What do I have to do? To earn it back.” She knew that there was more to do, and after the hurt she'd caused him, she wanted to give him the choice. She held still while she waited for his answer.

“It’s your ring Jane, you can do what you want with it.” She frowned. They’d made a little progress, but he still sounded so fragile. She turned her body halfway toward him, looking up at him with an earnest expression.

“But it’s more than a ring. It was a promise, and I broke that trust. It’s not in your pocket this time. You haven’t been waiting to give it back.” There was no judgment or accusation in her voice, only truth.

“I wasn’t sure I could.”

“And now?”

“Now… it belongs with you. At least, I want it to. I kept wearing mine because… I still want to belong to you.” He hesitated, knowing that despite the progress they’d just made, they were both incredibly raw. He’d hurt her, badly, but she’d hurt him, too. The sight of her hand without the silver jeweled band he’d put there made his chest feel hollow any time he stopped to think about it. He didn’t like the contrast of her pale skin and dark ink without its crowning sparkle. His wishes and feelings weren’t the only things that mattered, though. This one had to come from her. “It doesn’t have to be tonight. We’ll keep working on it. But… I need you to be sure you want it, too. I just… can’t watch you leave it behind a third time. I can’t. So what do you want?”

She nodded thoughtfully, sadly; her expression was not unlike the one she had worn in Nepal, the last time she found him still wearing his ring while her finger was bare. “I'm not sure I deserve to even say it, but it’s never felt right, being without it,” she said. “I was angry, so angry I felt numb… but underneath all of that it just hurt, and taking it off just made it worse. So much worse.” She caught his eye, hoped he could see the truth - the whole truth; her sadness and regret for having left it behind again. “I don’t think I could do it again. It felt all wrong. I don’t ever want to feel that again; I don’t want you to feel that. I don't want that kind of pain in our lives ever again.”

“We’re still gonna have pain in our lives, sometimes. No one gets through life without that.”

She turned to face him more fully. She had come home looking hard yet frightened, and throughout her confession looked so sad and ashamed, but now he could see that Jane, his Jane, was beginning to return. Her face was pink and puffy from crying and he was sure his own face matched, but her expression was determined and her voice was growing stronger. “But I can’t be the cause. I can’t be the reason you look like that again. I couldn’t bear it.”

He still looked reserved, and took a swig of his drink in lieu of speaking. She abandoned her drink on the floor and reached up to stroke her hand down his stubbled jaw, then stood and made her way to the breakfast bar. She returned a minute later and knelt in front of him, holding up her ring between her thumb and index finger. “It’s not going to get better overnight. I know it’s not. But I know that I want to belong to you. No more secrets, and no more lies. No more running. We’re better together. I want to be in this, together with you.” He stared at the ring then looked into her eyes, long and hard, searching for any trace of uncertainty. She gazed back at him with absolute conviction. At last he put down his glass again, leaning forward, and took the ring from her.

“Then we do it together,” he said.

She nodded her relief, the certainty in her expression never wavering. “I’m yours, Kurt,” she told him, more softly but no less firmly. He glanced at her in acknowledgement before he slipped the ring back on her finger and joined their left hands together, their twin rings finally reunited and exactly where they belonged. He stared at them as if in a trance, his posture relieved, but a shadow of apprehension remained on his face.

“Kurt,” she said softly, trying to draw his attention. She paused and waited for him to meet her eyes again, and when he did, she smiled gently. “We’re gonna be okay.” A heartbeat later, he squeezed her hand, and smiled softly back.

That night they slept on their own sides of their bed, facing away from one another. When he woke in the middle of the night, her feet were together, her toes lightly pressed against the backs of his calves. When she woke in the morning, he had rolled over and stretched his arm toward her, his fingers ever so faintly brushing her ribs, just below her shoulder blade, each time she inhaled. A handful of days passed with an awkward sort of friendship, stilted hugs or chaste kisses, and the occasional joining of hands. And nights passed just like that first one, with each tentatively reaching out for the other in their sleep.

The way Jane looked at him, up and down, unabashedly checking him out after she recovered the Nergal device from Sho Ahktar became something of a turning point for matters at home. He looked great in that suit, and she knew exactly what working undercover together did to him - what seeing each other pretending to be someone else and yet still so unmistakably them did to them both - and she was done playing slow and safe. She was pretty sure he was, too. She hit pause on those thoughts as they changed and debriefed and she went to meet up with Avery, but in spite of the nerves she felt about an unstructured visit with her estranged daughter, the wink her husband gave her when she left the office had her grinning most of the way to the coffee shop.

She was tired when she got home, emotionally drained and ready to shelf anything else for another day. When she saw him stand from the sofa though, looking adorably apprehensive, so ready to be lovingly supportive no matter how her visit had gone, her fatigue went out the window. Seeing Nas had brought up some things; Jane liked the woman well enough as a workplace colleague, and appreciated all she’d done for the team, but Nas had always been just a little bit too patronizing toward Jane and was still just a little too comfortable in her husband’s presence for someone who had in times past threatened to return her to a dark, dark hole. Never mind that the woman had been sharing Kurt's bed while holding those things over her, or the easy way she’d walked back into what was long since Jane’s home.

It started with a slow, lingering kiss that was as much a question as a greeting, and which quickly evolved into an answer. Their reunion was a little rough at first - possessive - and soon they were breathing words like 'yours' and 'mine' into each other's skin. They didn’t quite make it to the bed, but that suited them just fine. Their last reunion had taken place on the floor too, and while this time there was an aggressive edge to the way they reclaimed each other, it ended similarly, with gentle smiles, interlaced fingers, and murmured affirmations of love.

Things weren't better overnight, even after they climbed under the covers to finally sleep curled around each other for the first time in weeks - and woke each other in the dark hours of morning to confirm those things they'd already worked out on the floor. The now-crumbling walls they’d erected around their hearts still made reading each other outside the office more challenging than they were accustomed to, interrupted by hiccups of insecurity and niggling fears. It helped, though, that now they were calling them fears, not anger or blame; and so too did the fact that they spoke about them regularly rather than suffering them in silence.

Some of the lingering hurt was smoothed by the discovery that with the bulk of their anger released, they still functioned as an unstoppable team at work. They read each other as well as ever in the field, and in the office they still looked to each other first, asking questions and giving answers, or sharing thoughts and opinions, all through silent exchanges that they would only occasionally voice to the team. Those daily reminders that they were still better together than they were apart became a salve against any doubts they might feel about whether they could get through it.

Jane was surprised but pleased to find that Kurt was relaxing a little more into his tactile nature throughout the day, deliberately instigating casual little displays of affection that he had been more restrained about before. It was subtle, not at all like the desperate way they had always grasped each other after a close call, and nothing so overt as to make their colleagues regularly uncomfortable. His hand was simply finding her own, or the small of her back more often, and sometimes he would step up behind her to embrace her for no reason other than she was sitting by herself at a workstation and he felt like it. She knew how much those little check-ins meant to him, and with each little touch, she felt surer. Weller was similarly surprised when Jane caught him in the hallway outside the lab one morning to ask what he thought about inviting Avery to live with them. The prospect itself delighted him, but the fact she had come to him about something so important as soon as she decided she wanted it, even though they were busy and at work, filled him with a warm sort of certainty.

They were both practicing not waiting, because they were keenly aware - especially after the date Rich had sent them on was cut short by assassins - that 'the right time' wasn't something they could necessarily count on in their line of work. They also practiced opening themselves, volunteering more of their inner worlds than either was used to, and no longer taking for granted that their comfortable place on each others' wavelength would be enough on its own to keep all misunderstandings at bay.

It was taxing at times. The days at work flew by while their evenings were slow and deliberate, but gradually, with each spontaneously voiced thought, each unsolicited touch, each difficult conversation that turned out simpler than expected, they built something; something unlike what they had before. They had always believed their bond to be unshakeable, but now it was being reforged in the certainty that came with a proven commitment to work at it no matter how hard or painful; to accept that they would sometimes mess up or let each other down, but safe in the knowledge that they would never stop reaching for each other and they would never, ever give up. Because they were in love, they were everything, and they decided again, every single day, that that mattered. More than anything.

#fun fact! this is *by far* the longest story I've published to date #clocking in at 7210 words #when most have been in the ballpark of 1.5-3k words #blindspot #blindspot 3x12 #blindspot fanfic #blindspot fanfiction #blindspot rewatch 2022 #blindspot s3 spoilers #jeller 💔#but also ending with a lil plain ole hopeful #jeller #nachos blindspot oc #nachos blindspot fics

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