#blindspot fanfiction

[nachosncheeze]

Nothing Else To Think About (Blindspot 3x12 fic/extra scenes)

Also on AO3.

I want love back in my life. So do I.

Jane owes her husband an apology, and they're gonna have to work on it. Beginning with the final Jeller scene of 3x12, this post-ep is the third and final part of my mid-season 3 Jeller stories following on from my 3x11 fics "The Company You Were Keeping" and "A Pretty Good Reason", but it can also be read as a stand-alone. It's an attempt to fill in some of the blanks that canon left behind, in a manner that hopefully makes the growing strength of their bond through the rest of the season feel a little more natural. Contains mild spoilers through most of the rest of season 3, but nothing that'll ruin any big twists.

A note on timelines can be found below the cut for the curious, before the story.

Thank you once again to the lovely @lurkingwhump for encouraging me to explore and write out my take on Jeller's midseason drama. Hopefully this addresses some of the gaps in canon in a way that feels honest, and I hope everyone enjoys it. Let me know what you think. :)

Content warning for mentions of infidelity.

~~~~~

A note on the timeline: This story can generally be taken as fitting within canon, with the caveat that the canon timeline of events for when Jane was on the run is muddy at best, with a lot implied or open to interpretation and very little shown with certainty. In order to make this story happen I had to get pretty specific about developing a workable headcanon/interpretation built from the breadcrumbs provided on-screen.

I expect the most unusual aspect of this version of events for many will be that for my purposes Jane and Clem's association lasted only 3 to 4 months after Paris, and ended shortly before her close call in Switzerland and subsequent trip to Berlin. The money on the bed was all Clem's in this interpretation; some of it earned before he learned her name in Paris, making his "6 months" comment part of a sales pitch to convince her to form a more permanent partnership. That also places their tryst right around the lonely milestone that is the one-year mark since Jane left home, though you won't catch her explicitly saying so or using it as an excuse. Hopefully everything else will come through well enough in the story, but if anyone wants to know the details or where I got any of it, I can make a separate post.

Everything I've used does all technically fit into the spaces that canon left behind, but I realize it will differ greatly from some headcanons, so if it doesn't work for you please feel free to treat this as "canon divergent" instead.

~~~~~

Jane stood outside the door to the apartment she shared with her husband. Or… had shared with him, until she had walked away from him and out of this same door, furious and sad to the point of numbness, leaving her wedding ring behind. She stared at the numbers on its surface, breathing deep, trying to stave off a rising wave of panic. She had left the hotel, packed her few things and checked out, planning not to return there. She knew it was the right call to deprive herself of an out, but now that she stood outside what had been her home, her mind was a silent cacophony of anxieties and discordant thoughts. Her head said ‘just open the damn door,’ her heart said ‘you need to see him,’ but her feet and her stomach said ‘run,’ so she simply stood, trying to quell the noise inside her.

It had been one hell of a day that had brought her here. She thought listening to Kurt jumping out of a plane not that long ago had been hard, but he’d had a chute. She knew he did, he had to. He’d known what he was doing. And she was still angry, Avery was still dead; it was a near miss but it was a miss, so there was no need at the time to make haste in processing what she was feeling. It had turned out Avery was alive though, and she was safe now under the watchful eyes of Jane’s FBI colleagues. So when Reade revealed the significance of the location the militia was taking Kurt and his undercover partner to, suddenly all she could think about was her husband trapped in a bunker, underground, outnumbered and overwhelmed. She’d nearly panicked then, too, fighting to push away a rush of mental images of that bunker becoming a tomb. Her heels and knees had bounced as she sat, twisting her hands in her lap, chewing her lip throughout the brief helicopter ride to be his rescue.

When they landed and grabbed their gear, she took the grenade launcher. If those assholes managed to take him down, there would be no arrests; she was going to make sure every single one of them went down with him.

And now, standing before nothing more than a wooden door, that resolve was nowhere to be found. She was absolutely terrified.

She took a last deep breath to steel herself and knocked, then fitted her key into the lock without waiting. She knew that if his mood was anything like hers had been lately, he wouldn’t answer, hoping that whoever was there would just go away.

She stepped over the threshold and bumped the door shut behind her. He was on his feet at the sight of her, a glass of scotch in his right hand and the other hidden in his pocket. “Hey,” was all he offered.

“I’m not letting Roman win,” she responded without preamble.

He looked to the side, shuffled his feet, then leaned his shoulder against the door frame from the lounge. He’d been wishing for this, to see her back in this place where she belonged. But then he’d learned about Clem, and now that the moment had arrived, he didn’t know what to say. Somehow it felt like neither of them belonged there. You have to try, he reminded himself unnecessarily. “What happened? Everything alright?”

It was her turn to look away, again grasping for the courage that always seemed automatic when looking down the barrel of a gun but was shredded to straws under his guarded expression. “No, uh… and it might not be for a while.” She walked further into the apartment, giving a helpless shrug. “Look, I know that you have a history of being let down by the people you love.” He shifted again, half turning from her as though he wanted to leave and escape the conversation. But he stayed. “Your father, your old partner… me. But knowing why you lied about Avery doesn’t make me feel any less betrayed. And that… hurt… may never go away.” He looked at the floor, nodding his resignation. She didn’t stop. “But all of this has just made me feel so… lonely. Afraid to trust the people I should believe in the most.”

He met her eyes then and straightened from the door frame, Allie’s words echoing in his ears. She was out there alone for a long time, but that doesn’t sound like the Jane I know. Trust had been at the heart of them from the beginning. She'd given it to him, unwaveringly, from almost the first moment they met, and he had returned it from the moment Chao's blade met his skin at the top of the Statue of Liberty. They'd bruised and broken and mended their trust more than once since, but… even at its lowest, he had always loved her. And she'd always loved him. It wasn't easy. It was absolutely worth it. That, at least, was something he knew. He started moving toward her.

“And that is exactly what Roman wants,” she was continuing, “I’m not gonna give it to him. Because I wanna trust Avery. I wanna work this out with you. I want love back in my life.”

He finally found his voice. “So do I.”

She blew out the breath she’d been holding and nodded, her chin quivering slightly, and they both stood staring, glassy-eyed, at one another.

It was Kurt who broke the silence, stepping a little closer and extracting his left hand from his pocket. Things weren’t right between them, and she was right, they wouldn’t be for a while. But she had come home, and maybe that was enough of a starting point for the minute. “Come on,” he said, tilting his head back toward the lounge. For a moment, she didn’t move.

It could be all too easy. She had no idea what he was thinking or what he wanted now, but he at least seemed willing to let her back into their home. She could feel the tension in him, and his pain matching her own, but also his relief at her presence and her intention to stay. Maybe he meant to leave their sleeping dogs to lie, just for tonight, and spend the rest of the evening simply easing back into the idea of sharing space. He was reaching for her hand, and she gave it to him, feeling his fingers gently closing around her own.

He turned and began leading her toward where he had been sitting, and she watched his back, his feet, their hands as she followed in numb silence. And suddenly all she could see was his wedding ring; the way it dully reflected the dim light feeling like a blinding glare.

She’d been hiding behind the icy wall she’d put up between them, scrawling messages to herself on its surfaces, assuring herself that his transgressions were the greater, his lies the more dire, her injury the more grievous. Even as she had stepped through the door to their home, having rehearsed precisely what she wanted to say, she braced for disaster by telling herself over and over that between the two of them, she had nothing more to apologize for. She had to believe it, because if he threw her out - and she had half-believed he would - she didn’t know how else she could survive it. But now that he hadn’t, she realized that what she was left with was less a wall or a shield and more a cold, hard brick of shame lodged somewhere behind her navel.

She stopped and pulled her hand from his, looking at the floor so that she didn’t have to see the hurt and confusion on his face as he turned to look back at her. Not talking about things was what had brought them here, and maybe this wasn't the best time, maybe neither felt ready for this conversation, but she didn’t want to repeat that mistake. She didn’t want any more misunderstandings, didn’t want him thinking for even one more moment that her foolish indiscretion had been a rejection or any other kind of comment on him. He was worth so much more than that; he deserved to know the truth. And she knew that they could never be ready for something like this. Whatever either of them intended, she owed it to him to do it now, if he would hear it, rather than risk that morning light and the crazy realities of their days might bury it all under other people's crises again.

“We… we should talk,” she stuttered. She saw his expression crumble, the relief seeming to abandon him, and suddenly she realized that in that moment, he was afraid of her. Afraid of what she might say, or maybe of how much more she might ask of him. “I mean… I should talk. I mean, I owe you… an explanation.”

His jaw flexed, and he glanced back and forth between her and nothing in particular a few times as he considered her offer. At last he nodded and turned his back on her, stepping back through the double doors into the lounge. She was frozen, wondering if the reminder of what she’d done had been too much for tonight after all, if he was going to keep right on walking, close a bedroom door behind himself and leave her there. Instead, he pushed aside the footstool with his knee and dropped back into his chair with an exhausted sigh, then gestured vaguely to the room in front of him.

“Okay,” he said, “then explain.”

She moved tentatively toward him and settled gingerly on a spot on the floor, in front of him, but not too close. “I’m not… even sure where to begin,” she confessed. She had known since that heated moment on the plane that this had to happen sometime, but she was so scared that he’d never give her the chance that she had doubled down on her anger, never allowing herself to consider what she would actually say. After several long moments of watching her mouth work soundlessly to no avail, he finally put her out of their misery, clearing his throat as he leaned forward. He rested his elbows on his knees, his hands hanging limply between them, one still loosely holding his glass of scotch.

“You knew I wanted to go with you, but you took off without me. I’m thankful that you put Bethany first. But you took off your ring.” He stopped short and swallowed down hard on the bile that suddenly seemed to be rising in his throat. She reached out gently as if to touch him, but withdrew her hand when he flinched. The action seemed to give him the push necessary to say what he needed to next. “I don’t want to know. I really, really don’t. But I think… I need to. We were happy, Jane. So… what happened?”

“I thought…” she hesitated. “No,” she corrected, then started again, stronger. “I left my ring for a reason. Part of it was about blending in, hiding the things I love. I left to keep you both safe, and if someone made me, if they saw that ring and saw that I was still…” still in love with you - she swallowed the words, “I had to keep you safe. I thought I’d be able to finish it, and come home.

“But… I knew there was a chance that it wouldn’t work. I didn’t want to hide that from you. I left it where I knew you’d find it, so you wouldn’t have to wonder what I’d done. And if I couldn’t make it back, for whatever reason… I didn’t want you stuck with me. My past just keeps coming back to haunt you, and that's not fair. I don't want that for you. I wanted you to know that… even if I wasn’t there, even if it wasn’t with me, more than anything… I wanted you to be happy.”

“I made a vow, Jane,” he said quietly. “And I meant it. There was no ‘happy’ for me without you.”

She glanced away, trying not to let her entire world crumble at the word 'was'; past tense. “I made that vow too,” she offered weakly, unthinkingly. And I broke it, she admonished herself silently. She heard him give a single, humorless little snort. He no longer had the energy to say it aloud, and she didn’t have the strength to, terrified that if she did, the sober reality of it would be the death of them. The silence hung heavy between them.

“I fucked up, Kurt,” she said finally, her trembling voice little more than a whisper. He glanced at her in surprise - she almost never swore, especially since Bethany had come into their lives - but he looked away just as quickly, knowing that if he continued looking his tears would spill over and never stop. Or worse, he might reach out to hold her and tell her it was okay.

It wasn’t okay.

“I fucked up,” she said again, louder but no less broken, “so badly. There’s no excusing it. I can’t undo it. I’d say I don’t know what I was thinking, but really, I just can’t believe how foolish I was.” She went quiet again.

He didn’t want to know what she had been thinking, leaving him behind and getting that close with another man; couldn’t imagine any line of thought that wouldn’t cut him to the bone. He halfway wished he could stop this and pretend the whole thing was just some terrible dream. But he understood what she was trying to do; trying to come to account so that whatever way things resolved, they could walk forward and away from this nightmare with something of their senses of selves intact. It was the same thing he’d done the night he’d finally told her the truth about Berlin. He knew there would never really be any going forward for them, not as individuals and definitely not together, if he didn’t ask. Allie was right. His imagination was running wild, and even if he didn’t want to hear it, it was information. Information he needed.

Finally, he gently cleared his throat. “So what were you thinking?” he asked, the subdued sound breaking her heart with the vulnerability it showed. For all his gruffness and all his walls, Kurt had always been strong, and had always worn his heart on his sleeve for her, even if he sometimes liked to pretend it wasn’t there. This quiet reservation, a man hidden back behind walls she couldn't scale… she didn’t know how to deal with it. She wished he would meet her eyes, but knew she didn’t deserve to ask that of him. She didn’t know where to start, or where to finish, or what to put in between. So she just let the words flow, throwing her crimes out on the carpet along with their fate. It wasn’t up to her anymore. Maybe it wasn’t up to either one of them.

“It wasn’t… a relationship. At least, not like you were implying, on the plane. We worked together. When I started doing K&R, I did it alone. We crossed paths a couple of times on jobs. On one job, we got to the hostage at the same time. There was no one I could trust out there, and I sure as hell didn’t trust him. But he didn’t fight me; he agreed to split the reward. Unfortunately he was still using Dwire for backup then, so you can imagine how that went. That ass knocked us both out and stole our pay.

“Clem…” she paused, almost choking on the name. “We backed each other up on a few jobs after that. After those first few, he admitted that he knew about the bounty, and he'd known for a while. He'd kept working with me in spite of it. It seemed like I could at least trust that he wouldn't sell me out for that, so I kept working with him. He became... a friend.” She paused, trying to gather herself again, trying to find her voice for the confession they both knew was next.

“It had been a few months since we started calling each other for backup, and after one really tough rescue I stayed to celebrate instead of just taking my cut and leaving. I thought it would be like our team does after we close a tough case. It would just be… nice, to be around another person for a while. But then he made a pass, and I thought…” she closed her eyes and took a big breath, “I thought about all that time. About how long I’d been gone, and how I’d wanted you to be happy, how I left my ring so that you could be in case... in case I didn’t come back. And for a minute, I fooled myself into thinking you were. It had been so long, you must be. You must have moved on.”

She saw him very subtly shaking his head.

“I know,” she said sadly, answering his unvoiced protest. Kurt Weller was loyal to a fault; he would have been right to scoff at her, to scream it in her face. But he didn’t. “I know,” she repeated, “…and I knew it right away then, too. I’ve made a lot of mistakes since we met. So many. But that…” she trailed off, shaking her head as the tears that had been gathering in her eyes thickened, blurring him from her sight. She couldn’t say it was the worst of her mistakes. Her mistakes had gotten Mayfair killed; they’d nearly robbed her brother of his whole life and condemned him to the CIA. Instead, she’d let him go and gotten her team, her husband, even the daughter she hadn't known she had, all ensnared in this mess of revenge or whatever the hell else Roman was playing at. They were all terrible mistakes. But Clem was by far her most foolish. She’d given up her faith in the person she should have believed in the most. That wasn’t Roman’s doing. She’d done it all on her own.

“There’s no excusing it,” she stated again. “I was lonely, but it just made me feel even lonelier. It was a mistake, and I felt so foolish. I think some part of me knew that you were still out there, somewhere, waiting for me. Keeping your vows. And I failed.”

She could have stopped there and let her ownership of that failure stand on its own, but she knew there would always be unanswered questions and doubts if he didn’t have the full story. She needed him to believe, to understand, that it had started and ended in a single, stupid night. She pressed on.

"I didn’t wait; I left that night. I never spoke to him again, not until I called him about Avery. That was before you told me about Berlin. Finding people is his job, and he’s good at it… he can do things the FBI can’t, things you and I couldn’t do without risking our jobs and our future. I just wanted to know she was safe.” She realized she was starting to spiral into trying to justify herself again, so she closed her eyes again to breathe through it. “I never expected that he would come to New York.”

“But once he was here, you thought you’d get back in touch,” he said flatly. Given the short notice on which Clem had arrived at the airstrip for their rescue mission to Berlin, he had already suspected the man had come stateside before Patterson found Avery, and he had a hunch that meeting up on the plane wasn’t their only recent encounter.

“Well…” she said awkwardly, knowing that she had to be completely honest, “no. Before Patterson found Avery, he got in touch. It was the day we rescued those Camp Iko refugees. I told him that Avery had died, and he wanted to come see me that morning, at the NYO. I hung up on him. But… I was so confused. I went to see him after work; I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just… wanted someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t feel caught in the middle between you and me. Nothing happened, but it wasn’t right. He doesn’t want to be friends. I’m not sure he ever really did.”

No fucking kidding, Weller found himself thinking, but he stopped himself from voicing it out loud. He tried to put it in context again - the Jane I know, as Allie had said. Jane, who was brave, and fierce, and boundlessly empathetic towards those in pain, but had very little clue about romance and almost no experience to build on. She had dated precisely one normal guy, for a long and rewarding few weeks, before choosing her husband. Zapata and Patterson had taken her out sometimes for drinks back in the early days, but he didn't know if she'd ever gotten a date out of it. Had she ever even really spoken to any guys before Oliver? Apart from him… and Oscar.

He needed to refocus on the subject at hand, make sure there was nothing else he was missing. “You said you left him that night, in Europe. What happened?”

She sighed, rubbing a hand over her face in frustration. “I fucked that up, too,” she admitted. “I guess by working with one crew, turning up with the same partner on multiple jobs, I made myself predictable, too easy to find. Until that day, I mitigated the risk by not sticking around a moment more than was absolutely necessary. When I realized how badly I'd messed up, I left him in a hurry, but I was distracted. The bounty hunters must have been watching, waiting for me to be alone. When I bolted, I played right into their hands. I didn’t get very far before they caught up with me, and I barely made it out. That was how I ended up in Berlin, like I told you; I lost my go-bag.” She chewed on her lip for a minute, looking somehow frustrated and lost at the same time.

“I knew I had to leave Europe, so I picked up my stash, bought new papers from Max, and ran. I didn't really know where I was going, but I had more than enough to get by, so staying off the radar and getting as much distance as I could was more important than anything else. I headed east, alone, as quickly and quietly as I could. Then there was an accident. When I woke up, over a week later, I was far away from where I had been... and somehow, the money was still there. It made no sense at the time, but I guess that was when Roman tattooed me, and he must have been the one to leave me with the monks. They were kind, it seemed safe, and things there were simple, so once I recovered I just… stayed."

He thought about pointing out that she could have come home, but it didn't seem like a useful time to rehash that argument. It wouldn't change anything, anyway. What was done was done and all they could control was what they each chose next.

“I needed to be alone. Somewhere I could leave my mistakes behind, but still keep you and Bethany safe,” she explained, as if she could read his thoughts. “And even if I could somehow keep the bounty hunters off my tail, I felt like… I’d lost the right to come home. I don't know if it was guilt or grief or just… fear, that drove me up the mountain. But once I was there, I stayed because it was so far off-grid that no one would find me, and if I couldn't be with you… at least I could live a life that wouldn't have hurt you more.

"And then when I saw you there, still wearing your ring… I was so overwhelmed. I didn't deserve that; you don't deserve what I did. And I shouldn't have kept it from you."

He nodded solemnly, staring into his drink as he processed everything she’d just told him. “Would you ever have told me?” he asked.

She glanced to the side, drawing a deep breath. “Honestly? I don’t know,” she answered. “I regret it; of course I do. I'd like to say there's not a day that goes by that I haven't been eaten alive by my guilt, but the truth is… after a while, I sort of started to forget about it.” She shuffled closer to him on the floor, trying to catch his eyes, silently begging him to see her sincerity. “You, Kurt… here, in front of me, beside me… there's nothing else to think about. You're… everything." He sniffled at that, and she saw him quickly swipe a single tear from his cheek with his thumb, but he still wouldn’t look at her. She feared he never would again.

“Life has given me so many reasons to doubt myself,” she said, and that was the crux of it all, wasn’t it? She doubted that she was worth it; had always doubted that she was enough for him, enough to deserve or keep him. For a brief, crazy moment, she’d let her self-doubt expand and fill her until she’d doubted him. But right now this wasn’t about her – or at least, not about her pain and insecurities. He’d been trying to apologize, trying to reach for her while she’d been keeping a secret of her own, only to throw it in his face the moment he was within arm’s reach. This was her turn for coming clean. “But ever since we finally got together, you never gave me a reason to doubt you.”

“And now we’ve both given each other reasons,” he said.

She nodded sadly. “I was wrong,” she said simply.

“So was I.”

“And Kurt… I’m–” her breath caught in her throat as he finally lifted his head to meet her eyes – “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” he whispered, “me too.”

They sat staring at each other for a long, long moment, remorse and pain so thick in the air that time seemed to stop.

“So what happens now?” she asked.

He leaned back in his chair, looking lost in his grim thoughts. "We’ve both made terrible mistakes," he started slowly. "This is going to take time. We have to learn how to stop… protecting each other, with little lies and half-truths. I think the betrayal of keeping those secrets has hurt us even more than the secrets themselves ever would have."

She nodded agreement at that.

"But… I want to work on it, with you," he finally said. "As much as it all hurts right now… you're it for me, too."

She pursed her lips to the side in what could have been a ghost of a smile, if she hadn’t been working so hard to blink back tears. She wanted to reach for him, but didn’t quite know how. She wasn’t sure he would welcome her touch just then. Truth be told, despite what he’d said, she feared that the image of another man’s hands on her would drive his touch away forever.

But despite the chasm between them, it still seemed as if he could almost read her mind. Or maybe they just wanted the same things. Her eyes were drawn to his lap as his hand slid forward to rest on his knee, as if he, too, wanted to reach for her but couldn’t quite find the courage. She tentatively lifted her own hand, silently asking for permission as she slowly bridged the gap. It was a stuttering dance between them, an old engine shuddering to life - his fingers alone lifted from the denim of his jeans, her hand moved a little closer through the empty air, and they both watched as her fingers finally found the spaces between his. They laced together, his palm at last leaving his knee to press into hers. It wasn’t quite like the opening of a floodgate, but her motion was smoother and less hesitant when a moment later the rest of her followed, just a little closer, to rest her head lightly on his knee. The back of his thumb found her cheek and she exhaled, feeling him exhale with her. A moment later he set down his glass and placed his newly freed hand on the side of her head, stroking her hair.

Then she went very still. That gentle touch was the final straw. He felt her tears on his thumb, one, then another, and she heard his sharply indrawn breath as he tugged lightly on her hair, coaxing her to look at him so she could see his tears start to fall, too. Not leaving her alone; showing her that he was right there with her, even in their pain.

She raised up on her knees between his feet, tugging his hand towards her heart. As soon as she was sure it would stay there she moved her own hand to his, and the two sandwiched those hands between them as they finally embraced. His body shook with a single, heavy sob, and he turned his face into her neck. She held him there, murmuring again and again how much she loved him as they both let the pain flow from their bodies to soak each other’s shirts.

After a while their sobs subsided to shaky, hitched breaths, and gradually to quieter sniffles. Kurt turned his palm from her chest, curling his fingers around the back of her hand to keep it over his heart while his other hand eased her back a bit so he could look at her. “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked with a fragile, watery half-smile.

She regarded him intensely and brushed her fingertips down his cheek, wiping away a lingering tear. “Yeah,” she nodded after a few heartbeats, sniffling with a fragile half-grin of her own.

“You’re gonna have to reach the glass, though,” he motioned to the other side of the small room. “Someone’s got me pinned.”

She rewarded his attempt at teasing with a look before she extracted herself and reached out on her hands and knees to pull a second glass off the low shelf and pass it to him. He poured and handed it back to her, then picked up his own glass and raised it a little. “To truth?” he suggested, then added, “Whole truths.”

“No matter how painful,” she agreed.

“And never, ever giving up,” he finished, and she smiled a little more genuinely as she clinked her glass with his and took a sip. After a moment, she turned, settling again on the floor and leaning back against the chair between his knees. He set the record player going, soft music filling the air, and he brushed his hand just once through her hair. She leaned into the touch, then reached up to take his hand over her shoulder, and they sat quietly sipping their drinks, sharing the air with each other and their own battered thoughts.

After a while, he found something more to say. Her fingertips were idly stroking the back of his hand, lingering from time to time to toy with his wedding band. “It’s where you left it,” he murmured, knowing without a doubt that she was thinking about her own ring. He was, too. “I… couldn’t touch it.”

“What do I have to do? To earn it back.” She knew that there was more to do, and after the hurt she'd caused him, she wanted to give him the choice. She held still while she waited for his answer.

“It’s your ring Jane, you can do what you want with it.” She frowned. They’d made a little progress, but he still sounded so fragile. She turned her body halfway toward him, looking up at him with an earnest expression.

“But it’s more than a ring. It was a promise, and I broke that trust. It’s not in your pocket this time. You haven’t been waiting to give it back.” There was no judgment or accusation in her voice, only truth.

“I wasn’t sure I could.”

“And now?”

“Now… it belongs with you. At least, I want it to. I kept wearing mine because… I still want to belong to you.” He hesitated, knowing that despite the progress they’d just made, they were both incredibly raw. He’d hurt her, badly, but she’d hurt him, too. The sight of her hand without the silver jeweled band he’d put there made his chest feel hollow any time he stopped to think about it. He didn’t like the contrast of her pale skin and dark ink without its crowning sparkle. His wishes and feelings weren’t the only things that mattered, though. This one had to come from her. “It doesn’t have to be tonight. We’ll keep working on it. But… I need you to be sure you want it, too. I just… can’t watch you leave it behind a third time. I can’t. So what do you want?”

She nodded thoughtfully, sadly; her expression was not unlike the one she had worn in Nepal, the last time she found him still wearing his ring while her finger was bare. “I'm not sure I deserve to even say it, but it’s never felt right, being without it,” she said. “I was angry, so angry I felt numb… but underneath all of that it just hurt, and taking it off just made it worse. So much worse.” She caught his eye, hoped he could see the truth - the whole truth; her sadness and regret for having left it behind again. “I don’t think I could do it again. It felt all wrong. I don’t ever want to feel that again; I don’t want you to feel that. I don't want that kind of pain in our lives ever again.”

“We’re still gonna have pain in our lives, sometimes. No one gets through life without that.”

She turned to face him more fully. She had come home looking hard yet frightened, and throughout her confession looked so sad and ashamed, but now he could see that Jane, his Jane, was beginning to return. Her face was pink and puffy from crying and he was sure his own face matched, but her expression was determined and her voice was growing stronger. “But I can’t be the cause. I can’t be the reason you look like that again. I couldn’t bear it.”

He still looked reserved, and took a swig of his drink in lieu of speaking. She abandoned her drink on the floor and reached up to stroke her hand down his stubbled jaw, then stood and made her way to the breakfast bar. She returned a minute later and knelt in front of him, holding up her ring between her thumb and index finger. “It’s not going to get better overnight. I know it’s not. But I know that I want to belong to you. No more secrets, and no more lies. No more running. We’re better together. I want to be in this, together with you.” He stared at the ring then looked into her eyes, long and hard, searching for any trace of uncertainty. She gazed back at him with absolute conviction. At last he put down his glass again, leaning forward, and took the ring from her.

“Then we do it together,” he said.

She nodded her relief, the certainty in her expression never wavering. “I’m yours, Kurt,” she told him, more softly but no less firmly. He glanced at her in acknowledgement before he slipped the ring back on her finger and joined their left hands together, their twin rings finally reunited and exactly where they belonged. He stared at them as if in a trance, his posture relieved, but a shadow of apprehension remained on his face.

“Kurt,” she said softly, trying to draw his attention. She paused and waited for him to meet her eyes again, and when he did, she smiled gently. “We’re gonna be okay.” A heartbeat later, he squeezed her hand, and smiled softly back.

That night they slept on their own sides of their bed, facing away from one another. When he woke in the middle of the night, her feet were together, her toes lightly pressed against the backs of his calves. When she woke in the morning, he had rolled over and stretched his arm toward her, his fingers ever so faintly brushing her ribs, just below her shoulder blade, each time she inhaled. A handful of days passed with an awkward sort of friendship, stilted hugs or chaste kisses, and the occasional joining of hands. And nights passed just like that first one, with each tentatively reaching out for the other in their sleep.

The way Jane looked at him, up and down, unabashedly checking him out after she recovered the Nergal device from Sho Ahktar became something of a turning point for matters at home. He looked great in that suit, and she knew exactly what working undercover together did to him - what seeing each other pretending to be someone else and yet still so unmistakably them did to them both - and she was done playing slow and safe. She was pretty sure he was, too. She hit pause on those thoughts as they changed and debriefed and she went to meet up with Avery, but in spite of the nerves she felt about an unstructured visit with her estranged daughter, the wink her husband gave her when she left the office had her grinning most of the way to the coffee shop.

She was tired when she got home, emotionally drained and ready to shelf anything else for another day. When she saw him stand from the sofa though, looking adorably apprehensive, so ready to be lovingly supportive no matter how her visit had gone, her fatigue went out the window. Seeing Nas had brought up some things; Jane liked the woman well enough as a workplace colleague, and appreciated all she’d done for the team, but Nas had always been just a little bit too patronizing toward Jane and was still just a little too comfortable in her husband’s presence for someone who had in times past threatened to return her to a dark, dark hole. Never mind that the woman had been sharing Kurt's bed while holding those things over her, or the easy way she’d walked back into what was long since Jane’s home.

It started with a slow, lingering kiss that was as much a question as a greeting, and which quickly evolved into an answer. Their reunion was a little rough at first - possessive - and soon they were breathing words like 'yours' and 'mine' into each other's skin. They didn’t quite make it to the bed, but that suited them just fine. Their last reunion had taken place on the floor too, and while this time there was an aggressive edge to the way they reclaimed each other, it ended similarly, with gentle smiles, interlaced fingers, and murmured affirmations of love.

Things weren't better overnight, even after they climbed under the covers to finally sleep curled around each other for the first time in weeks - and woke each other in the dark hours of morning to confirm those things they'd already worked out on the floor. The now-crumbling walls they’d erected around their hearts still made reading each other outside the office more challenging than they were accustomed to, interrupted by hiccups of insecurity and niggling fears. It helped, though, that now they were calling them fears, not anger or blame; and so too did the fact that they spoke about them regularly rather than suffering them in silence.

Some of the lingering hurt was smoothed by the discovery that with the bulk of their anger released, they still functioned as an unstoppable team at work. They read each other as well as ever in the field, and in the office they still looked to each other first, asking questions and giving answers, or sharing thoughts and opinions, all through silent exchanges that they would only occasionally voice to the team. Those daily reminders that they were still better together than they were apart became a salve against any doubts they might feel about whether they could get through it.

Jane was surprised but pleased to find that Kurt was relaxing a little more into his tactile nature throughout the day, deliberately instigating casual little displays of affection that he had been more restrained about before. It was subtle, not at all like the desperate way they had always grasped each other after a close call, and nothing so overt as to make their colleagues regularly uncomfortable. His hand was simply finding her own, or the small of her back more often, and sometimes he would step up behind her to embrace her for no reason other than she was sitting by herself at a workstation and he felt like it. She knew how much those little check-ins meant to him, and with each little touch, she felt surer. Weller was similarly surprised when Jane caught him in the hallway outside the lab one morning to ask what he thought about inviting Avery to live with them. The prospect itself delighted him, but the fact she had come to him about something so important as soon as she decided she wanted it, even though they were busy and at work, filled him with a warm sort of certainty.

They were both practicing not waiting, because they were keenly aware - especially after the date Rich had sent them on was cut short by assassins - that 'the right time' wasn't something they could necessarily count on in their line of work. They also practiced opening themselves, volunteering more of their inner worlds than either was used to, and no longer taking for granted that their comfortable place on each others' wavelength would be enough on its own to keep all misunderstandings at bay.

It was taxing at times. The days at work flew by while their evenings were slow and deliberate, but gradually, with each spontaneously voiced thought, each unsolicited touch, each difficult conversation that turned out simpler than expected, they built something; something unlike what they had before. They had always believed their bond to be unshakeable, but now it was being reforged in the certainty that came with a proven commitment to work at it no matter how hard or painful; to accept that they would sometimes mess up or let each other down, but safe in the knowledge that they would never stop reaching for each other and they would never, ever give up. Because they were in love, they were everything, and they decided again, every single day, that that mattered. More than anything.

[unorthodox-oblivion]

What's your all time favourite fic?

Do you have any children?

What was your favourite toy as a child?

What's your all time favourite fic?

This is a hard question. There are SO many good ones to choose from! I love the Blindspot fics by Indelible Evidence and StrayxMonarch and the Castle fics by skygirl55, Trinity Everett, ipreferwestside and ShutUpAndPull on ff.net But one that's lived on my mind since the first time I read it YEARS ago and was the first one to pop into my head when I read the question is this one and it's still unfinished. I went back last year and read it again and it's good. But it makes me sad it was never completed.

Do you have any children?

Nope. But I'm about to become an aunt in like, 6 months. Pretty happy with the return policy that'll entail lol

What was your favourite toy as a child?

Does a skateboard count?

[courfee]

some soft accidental tie switch jegulus for the fic blindspot

[kaethefangirl]

I've been alerted via ao3 comments that someone printed out my jamilton fic and I'm perplexed. MY FIC IS ON TIKTOK!? BLINGSPOTTING IS ON TIKTOK. WOW. UM.

FUCK.

[idanit]

Beyond Evil fic recs

I watched Beyond Evil, tripped, learned hangul, and inhaled most of the BE AO3 tag. These are some of the stories I enjoyed, paired with slightly edited excerpts from my private fic reading notes and/or my AO3 comments. Mind the summaries and the tags!

General and Teen

one good movie kiss Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik; Lee Dong Sik & Park Jung Je, Yoo Jae Yi, Lee Sang Yeob Wow, I love it? I'm into each and every section of this so far, they’re all good in different ways. (...) Unexpectedly, I really like the Jae Yi scene. I didn't know I needed to see her and Dongsik scrubbing the windows of her shop off insults. She was so in character, too. And I love Dongsik's POV in all of these. (...) I really loved seeing Dongsik struggle with voicing  — no, realising  — what he wants.

the way home Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik Good dialogues. I can picture the scenes and their expressions. (...) This is slow and good and aching (...) It aches with the weight of the twenty years. (...) A recovery-after-hurt fic. (...) Loving someone middle-aged, having so much to learn about them. (...) I read this one in a daze. I hope there are other similarly good get-together fics that explore grief and trauma out there. (...) These characterisations were really good except for a few beats I disgreed with.

see the light is bright as ever Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik Bedsharing in a guest house because of phone reception reasons. Gentle talk, tears, tension, anger, guilt, affection, all of it.

call you out on your contrarian shit Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik Ohh, I liked this one. The voice is a bit restrained, in a good way. The characterisations are recognizable. Dongsik gets into his head that Joowon should date someone younger, but Joowon's mind is set. Melons are eaten at a lake house. Tea is drunk. A sleepy conversation is had.

rome wasn't built in one day. Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik This starts out really dark, wow. Dongsik's POV. It leans into their shared trauma as their bond, into what I would almost call codependence (...). I'm intrigued. (...) It's very tasty to see them so scared of losing the other that they won't talk about ANYTHING even as they start to live together. (...) This is so painful. They're insane, they're the worst. (...) There was something satisfying about this unnecessarily dark take on their get-together.

The Human Heart Is Hungry Still Han Ju Won&/Lee Dong Sik Very slice-of-lifey (...) It was such a slow, gentle story, and I enjoyed its subtle emotional threading a lot. (...) Joowon and Dongsik go to a hardware store together and I am happy about it. (...) It's pre-relationship and it lays the ground for it very well, in a very understated way, in charmingly small things, a touch here, a thought there. (...) And everyone else is here! (...) It was obvious that you gave a lot of thought to what would happen to everyone post-canon, and that you've done your research. Manyang felt like a real, lived-in town and everyone's lives and circumstances interconnected in really satisfying, believable ways.

still there inside my chest Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik One of these slow, soft, radiant get-together fics with (...) smooth, transparent writing. Joowon keeps coming to Manyang, they visit Dongsik's mother, there's the butcher shop (...), you know the drill.

grounding Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik The only one bed trope. I love that the case that stranded them in the storm-surrounded inn was something that reminded Dongsik of Minjeong and that this is what they kept thinking about and the reason Joowon tried to provide some comfort (handholding!). I like how annoyed they still find each other, I like that this is mid-canon.

Offering Han Ju Won&Lee Dong Sik Oh, an actually good fic? (...) Joowon collapses at the station, his bloody hands and all. Dongsik cleans them for him, then drives him to his apartment. It's still the Hurting Joowon genre, but it was good hurt/comfort, honestly. In character, competent writing. That's all I need — so little, but apparently so much.

if you say it with your hands Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik Aching, aching! Good. I walked into it not expecting borderline sexual content, but I got the most beautiful scene of the sex Not Happening that I have in recent memory. Joowon lets go of his need to control bit by bit, but he's not there yet. All is good.

Family Jewels Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik, Han Ju Won & Lee Su Yeon There's something poetically satisfying in the idea of making Joo Won's mum be still alive in a canon where so many disappearances turned out to be deaths. A reversal. How will these people deal with it? (…) the writing is pretty good. In an understated sort of way. (...) good descriptions. (...) Radiant! Queer! Joy! (...) I like how Joowon and his mother meet as two people more than as mother and son. Healing. This author truly knows what they would need.

yours to keep Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik Going shopping to a posh store together, Dongsik asking Juwon about his childhood, nice. (...) Yep, this section was very satisfying. (...) I kinda like the scene. It's... pulled out a bit. Quite matter-of-fact, very we-don't-talk-about-it. (...) Alright, I like this Dongsik voice. (...) The theme is loving/living in a "normal" way, which I enjoy.

i don’t know much about gentleness, but i will protect you from now on. Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik This was about Dongsik going to jail, then to Hokkaido, then back to Manyang, where he reopens Jinmook's store, all the while feeling like he's a ghost, or like he's being haunted by ghosts. Juwon moves in with him for two weeks, which I loved, obviously. Then he stays. (...) it had multiple scenes that brought me a lot of satisfaction.

Mature and Explicit

a safe place to go mad Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik What an emotionally excruciating setup. Making Han Joo Won kill a person in a car accident, her shins breaking? (...) This disassociated writing style doesn't feel overdramatic at all. This would, in fact, break Joo Won. (...) Dongsik is literally so perfect here. (...) I loved Joowon comparing himself to his mother and his father as he goes through different stages of traumatic response. This was so good! I love how you write them, I love how in character they are as they're put through trauma, disassociation, arguments and softness (...). It was great to see how Dongsik is a perfect match for a distraught Joowon, since he knows exactly how to take down his emotional outbursts and his half-baked logic, step by step. No one else could have done that for him. And the softness of the last chapter is a balm to the soul.

Resonant Frequency Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik Ah, this is so good. (...) I believe in their established relationship here. It's easy to see them like that. (...) This is such good character work. Nuanced and in-depth; can we get more of this in fics. (...) some good imagery (...) This is a GOOD CASE wow (...) I'm actually invested, and it already pulled a few twists on me. (...) Juwon trying to be kind. The case from fourteen years ago, and how it resonated with Dongsik's history and Juwon's guilt. Dongsik under Juwon's skin, hurting so bad and so beautifully. There is a lot to love here. (...) I really enjoyed Chief Moon. I liked how deep you get into the characters, all the surprising little lines that feel extremely right (...) The two of them are so different (the contrast between their reactions to spending some time in a club was excellent), and yet they fit together so, so well.

Hook, Line, and Sinker Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik It's quite well-written. (...) I totally believe in a Juwon who, captured, feels mostly resigned. (...) This is really digging into Dongsik and how he would have reacted to yet another important person in his life going missing/dead. (...) I believe in Dongsik getting angry at Juwon who doesn’t seem to care about his own wellbeing, and this leading into a discussion of feelings. This fic really sold me on the „no more time” angle. (...) This is satisfying.

And Each and Every Time, for You Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik I like this one (...), it has good dialogue and they feel in character. (...) well-written, funny. (...) Absolutely pitch perfect Dongsik voice so far. (...) It feels so good to be in the hands of a decent storyteller again. I don't have to watch out for bad punctuation and clunky structure. I can just enjoy the ride. (...) The author can write shouty arguments too??? yessss (...) Perfect dialogue. (...) This sex scene was remarkably in character. The best erotic writing is when the characters don't turn into paper figurines, don't stop existing because the author wants to write a sex scene in that moment; it's when their personalities are amplified, not erased by the act (...), and we can see how they're themselves in this different context. I love to see it. (...) The way they talk, what they do, what, how and why they want, it's all gloriously them.

Splinters Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik, Min Jeung/Jae Yi/Ji Hun Why is this fic so perfect. It has literally done nothing wrong. (…) I love authors who really think about what they have at their hands and slot things together in unexpected, but inspired ways. This brought me so much joy! Your characterisations are absolutely spot-on. I instantly fell in love with this Min-jeong and her narrative voice, and then adored the dynamic she's had with everyone, particularly Ju-won and Jae-yi. You've made so many inspired little choices here, like having Min-jeong talk about her trauma with Ju-won, of all people (...). It was just a pleasure to read. (...) Your writing is very smooth, funny and poignant in turn. (...) Also, you just went and singlehandedly created the Min-jeong/Ji-hun/Jae-ji ship, which is quite out there, but, to my surprise, I was very into it.

Not Tomorrow Kang Min Jung & Lee Dong Sik This was a pretty good fic and the study of the relationship between Dongsik and Minjung that I wanted to read. (...) So eerie to watch Jinmook interact with Dongsik, way way before he knew. (...) I like seeing Dongsik helping bring her up like this. (...) It really hurts. Dongsik coming to her rescue again and again until the one time where she's really in danger and he’s not able to rescue her in time.

come home soon Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik I love this so far. Every sentence is doing something, the writing is quite tight, the tension is very much there. (...) This is like a gift to me, personally. (...) This is exactly what I wanted, show me how Manyang feels about the two of them! (...) great turns of phrase (...) The writing is so no-nonsense that I really have to pay attention to follow it, in a good way. (...) Smooth transitions between memories and the present time, that’s nice. (...) Wow, I want to read this all over again.

the world's great big injustice Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik Yes, make the sex scenes all about these weirdos instead of writing boring cookie-cutter General Porn. (...) Oooh the Oh Ji Hwa's scene was very good. (...) Is all of this really in character? Honestly not sure. Perhaps not. But this author's writing is pulling me in so hard that I don't mind either way. It's close enough to a version of them I can imagine. It stands on its own. It's compelling. It's enough. (...) This is the kind of writing that likes to be reread. I read the remix first, but now I want to reread them both and then slot them together like puzzle pieces.

for what it's worth Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik This is a remix of the fic above. This was... interesting. There was something there. I liked how the story operated on the unspoken and the unacknowledged (...) I like how this is constructed, the thin threads of stubble - halves - halfhearted connection vs intent - silence and sound. (...) The back-and-forth transitions between the past and the present, quite smooth. (...) sex scenes full of characterisation and theme. (...) Is this all about Juwon's habits? His trauma? The hesitancy seems to come from several things. He disassociates a little, but unwillingly. (...) Ok, this really gained heft on a reread. I really liked how pulled out it is, restrained. It's very appropriate for this Juwon's POV.

r/tifu by being my student's gay awakening Han Ju Won/Kwon Hyuk Such a cracky premise (the title is Kwon Hyuk's POV), but I'm here for it. (...) This is fun so far; clear writing. (...) Why is this good? The characterisations are on point. (...) I really believe in this Hyuk. Climbing up the social ladder and angry when he's still being dismissed, glossed over, unwanted beyond what he can do for people. (...) Satisfying. (...) I do wonder how much Kwon Hyuk tells himself he wants that wife with two point five children just because that's what he's supposed to want. He's clearly not straight in this fic.

Exposure Therapy Han Ju Won/Lee Dong Sik Oh wow, this was so good. A get-together fic, with looking for Bang Hoseok in the reed fields used as a binding/bonding activity/memory. Dongsik is exactly what I've been thinking of him being recently — a bit reluctant about his whole thing with Juwon, but not for the lack of feelings. They're both incredibly in character here. It's in the little gestures. (...) This author Pays Attention and Extrapolates Correctly. (...) I love this Dongsik, he really is himself here. And Juwon too. The way they talk to each other. (...) I didn't expect this to be so good from the start, but then it started to drop these pitch-perfect little elements time and time again — it's honestly impressive given that there really isn't much here. It's not a high-concept fic or anything, it's not constructed. It's quiet and it flows easily, and there isn't a lot that's happening, except emotionally. And it works so well.

[uranus26neptune-blog]

Actualización cap 10. Final

I just published " CAPITULO 10 (FINAL) " of my story " AMOR INESPERADO ". https://www.wattpad.com/1308627336?utm_source=android&utm_medium=com.tumblr&utm_content=share_published&wp_page=create_on_publish&wp_uname=NaomiAle26&wp_originator=eFeHMouM8Ve5BYLSUkykLUgSF88pDJgWx6AjFo7ANa1HzNdC0ef1acJgQMRPOtE8jmzVFuf9Qwr2IZgjzGZq8fukgRUv2q%2BDnMhQDB9DW10Oh4r0LTEF6XuJD89v7Q4F

[agahava]

Alright, I need inspiration to dive back into writing FanFiction. Mind you, I’ve only published two short fics for another show in 2013!

In the spirit of the Blindspot 2023 rewatch, and my undeniable obsession for the Remi and Kurt connection, hit me with any suggestions you have!

As much as 4x01 is hard to watch because Remi is absolutely torturing the whole team, especially Kurt, I love the character shift from Jane to Remi.

[justjamiehunt]

BLINDSPOT

Chapter 1: The Man Called Daredevil

 

In the streets of New York City, you can find all sorts of trouble. A city that is home to superheroes, villains, and ordinary people just trying to make it by. However, the streets of Hell’s Kitchen are considered the worst in the city due to fighting, gang violence, and other crimes. The neighborhood is rough and declining as people have tried to survive alien attacks, the Blip, and random crimes. Most people try to ignore it just to get by.

A man makes his way through the dark alleys of Hell’s Kitchen. He is carrying a small satchel and darts between trash cans and streetlights to avoid being seen. However, he does not know that he is being followed. He hears a rustle of debris move behind him. As he turns, he sees a black cat slink its way out of a dumpster. The man shrugs and continues his path, but he is blocked by another figure dressed in black. He reaches into his pocket for a knife, but the man in black blocks him and knocks the weapon out of his hand. Nevertheless, the man then tries to make a punch at his attacked. The man in black bends down to avoid the swing and side sweeps the guy’s ankles to get him on the ground. The man becomes disoriented and groans as he tries to get himself up. The dark dressed figure crouches down and places his knee on the fallen man’s chest. Realizing that he cannot move, the man tries to reach into his satchel but is stopped by the man in black.

“Don’t move,” the darkly dressed stranger warns, “Not one inch…Collin Sardonis”

          The man is still and terrified at the threatening voice.

          “H-how do you know who I am?”

          “You’re an explosives expert that’s been causing trouble around here lately. You’re going to sit tight and go to the station with the cops that should be here any minute now.”

              The criminal paled as he registered the seriousness in the other man’s voice. “Y-you’re not a cop! Who are you?!”

          The man in black smiled underneath his dark mask. He had been called many names by residents in this part of the city. Masked Man. Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. The Man in Black.

          “Me? Well…last time I checked, I think they called me Daredevil in the newspaper.”

          The man on the ground was about to retort something back but was silenced by the sound of police sirens. The red and blue flashing lights lit up the dark alleyway. This masked man-Daredevil-quickly grabbed the satchel from the criminal and leapt onto the nearby dumpster. The officers surrounded Collin Sardonis and dragged him out of the alleyway. Collin looked up towards the tops of the surrounding buildings but could not see where the masked vigilante went.

Author's note: Hey guys! This is the first chapter of my Daredevil fanfiction called Blindspot. I'll admit I'm not much of a writer (I am better at planning out scenes/writing scripts). Action scenes are the worst to write IMO. But, I'm excited to finally post this story and have some fun!

[wordofthewolf]

Atlantean Algorithms - A Stargate Atlantis/ Blindspot Story

(Based on this connection) Patterson rode in the back of a black SUV, something that she had a lot of experience doing. However, this particular car trip was not courtesy of the FBI as usual. In fact, the two agents who had come to retrieve her from her lab had not exactly detailed what their deal was. Patterson was not about to get fooled again so she had brought the men to Reade’s office for…

[trojanteapot]

The writing blindspots in Infinity Train with respect to race

To get this out of the way, I love Infinity Train! It’s one of my favourite shows! I started writing fanfiction because of this show, and it still inspires me every day. 

I really do think that Infinity Train as a whole is a very thought provoking children’s show and I applaud it for exploring darker themes relevant to psychology and psychological well-being, which are topics often overlooked not just in children’s media but for adult media as well. However, I do want people to acknowledge some of its shortcomings, especially because it is a show that is dealing with such heavy and complex topics, and also positions its human characters as coming from a world which is pretty much a stand-in for our own.

Now I know that the storyboard artists for Infinity Train were quite diverse, but I don’t really know if it’s the same for the writer's room. The reason why is that as a POC viewer, it really does seem obvious to me from the way that the POC characters were written pre-season 4, that their race was mostly an afterthought.

Okay and to be perfectly clear, this is NOT A BAD THING. This is just a neutral thing. Obviously we don’t need every single story with POC characters to have to be about their experience as a specific racialized person. There are experiences that are shared among everybody no matter what race they are. I am not saying that you need to do super in-depth research into every single cultural nuance of every ethnic minority before writing them. It depends on if you really want to delve into how their heritage or traditions or specific life experiences inform their character arc. Not every character arc is about that. And it shouldn’t be!

With that being said, I do think that perhaps the writers should have tried to consider asking themselves very basic surface level questions on how being non-white would inform the problems and conflicts their characters would face. They don't need to know the ins and outs of each culture for each of their characters, but they could have just asked “How would I feel/react to others if people made weird assumptions about me based on my race? How differently would my parents raise me if they were afraid of prejudice or discrimination?” I think they should have reflected on that before setting in stone the backstories for their POC characters, especially with respect to Grace.

Part 1: GRACE'S PARENTS

So I am not Black myself, but I have had many conversations about Grace with one of my friends in fandom who is Black, and we both do get the sense that Grace’s race was very much just an afterthought to her characterization. To be clear, this is NOT because she has very wealthy parents. I am well aware that there are Black Americans with generational wealth. However, knowing what we know about affluent Black people in the real world, how Grace’s parents treated her makes absolutely no sense.

For example, among extremely wealthy people of any race, networking and knowing the right people is of the utmost importance. This is why so many rich people send their kids to prestigious private schools so their kids can get a heads start on knowing the progeny of other one-percenters. If you look up famous people with famous kids, chances are you’ll see a list of all of the very exclusive private academies that they all went to (looking at you, The Strokes). This is the case for wealthy people of all backgrounds, not just white people. And honestly, I imagine that the pressure is at least double for the kids of wealthy POC parents to get to know the right people as early as possible to be able to open as many doors as possible, in order to mitigate the inherent disadvantage of being a racialized person.

But what did Grace’s parents do? According to her, they never sent her to school of any kind, only having private tutors teach her, and her ballet instructor only made her join the other kids in her class once for a recital or something? This is, for lack of a better term... buck wild.

In addition, her parents are American diplomats. Diplomacy is an extremely people-oriented position. If anything, her parents would want her to not only be in the best private school, but to be the best student in school, to know the best people, to join the school clubs that all the other diplomats’ kids are in, and train her from a young age to be a social butterfly. Yes I know that diplomats will often leave their home country and be stationed somewhere else for long durations, and yes their kids could be taken out of school then, but some diplomats just enroll them in a different institution in the visiting country, or not take them out of school at all. This is what the IB Program was invented for, actually. Her parents being diplomats does not justify never enrolling Grace in school. In fact, it makes it less justifiable. 

The fact that they did the extreme opposite of that is so illogical to me that I wonder if perhaps the writers just cobbled together a whole bunch of tropes that they think apply to rich people without actually checking if any of it makes sense, doubly so for rich people who are non-white.

I think the reason why is because they wanted Grace’s parents to stifle her growth and her natural social skills, but on the Train, she can be who she truly is. I definitely agree that Grace finding herself and being able to truly blossom into the girlboss she is on the Train is a great plot point from a characterization perspective. However, I do not think that it should be because she was being stifled by her parents. The solution is staring the writers right in their face, but they can’t see it because it’s a blindspot for them.

What they should have gone with is: Grace's inability to become a social butterfly and a queen bee in her daily life is because she is a dark-skinned Black girl!!!

Her parents have extremely high expectations for her socially. They could have pushed her to make friends with kids she didn’t like just because they wanted to be on better terms with their parents for networking or diplomacy purposes – which they could have shown with that one girl from her ballet class. Missed opportunity! But no matter how hard Grace tries, she will never be seen as the perfect girl because of other people’s assumptions about her just based on her race. 

Once she’s on the Train, Grace then uses her people skills and finds that they’re a lot more effective there, because it’s no longer Earth’s society, it’s a different world, literally! Plus this even allows her to be a little bit more mean, a little bit more honest, something she wouldn’t be able to get away with in the real world without being punished for it harder than her white peers. We already see hints of this with how she interacts with Simon, a white guy who is the same age as her. 

CAVEAT: The dialogue where Grace reveals that she never went to school was something that she told Hazel in a private conversation. So it could be that she did go to school, but lied about it to seem more relatable to Hazel, who had never been around other kids before. Lying is in character for Grace because she would pretty much do anything to get on somebody’s good side. But the way that they had her voice actress deliver those lines, and the way that her expression changes when she talks about how lonely she was indicates that she was telling the truth. To be charitable, I suppose we can land on the reading that Grace told Hazel a half-truth. She did go to school, but she was frequently taken out of class or skipped semesters because of her parents’ jobs as diplomats. So her loneliness in that instant is at the very least truthful. Your mileage is going to vary on this interpretation of course.

This points to a weakness that I can sort of see in Infinity Train in general, where they push societal problems into purely the realm of personal failings. “It’s not because of society that Grace couldn’t succeed, it was solely due to her abusive parents” being just one example. 

Never forget this monologue from a Black father to his daughter in Scandal:

Part 2: JESSE'S ARC WAS PRETTY GOOD THOUGH

The thing is they actually did write a POC character having to deal with a problem that was society-oriented quite well, at least in my view. Although, I am still pretty sure it was still coming from a race-blind method of writing the characters. Otherwise I feel like Jesse’s status as an Indigenous American would have come up more than a grand total of one time. That they could do this well for Jesse makes the fact that they didn’t do the same for Grace quite disappointing. 

Jesse’s main issue that he had to overcome was he kept caving to peer pressure and had trouble saying no to others for fear of disappointment. Now, this problem is universal, and it’s not solely something that is specific to Jesse’s race or ethnicity or cultural background. In fact, I am quite certain that they wrote Jesse as a character without even considering that this problem he faces is relatable to POC experiences. But I definitely know a lot of POC in my life who do take on more responsibilities than they can manage, or feel a higher pressure to fit in with their peers. Hell, I’m that POC in many cases! It’s kind of like background radiation to us as minorities that we just have to do more emotional labour in order to be seen as equals. That’s just the reality of the situation. You can understand and relate to Jesse’s problem without being Indigenous/Native American, but at the same time it feels like a natural problem for him to have, because he is non-white!

I will admit that a personal blind spot of mine is I don't know and haven't had the chance to speak to too many Indigenous people, so there could be aspects of Jesse's arc that don't really make sense. If you are somebody who knows more than me, please feel free to correct me! I would love to hear how you felt about Jesse's characterization and arc as an Indigenous person!

Part 3: SEASON 4, THE ASIANS 

Alright now it's time to tackle stuff that I actually could have any ounce of authority talking about? Which is how they wrote Ryan and Min-Gi in Book 4. I myself am Asian-Canadian. Specifically, I am a first generation Chinese-Canadian but I've been in Canada since I was six so I find a lot of the experiences of second generation Asian-Canadians more relatable to me. In addition, my partner is fourth generation Japanese-Canadian, so his dad would be the same generation as Ryan's dad. (I also am really really into rock music, but that's besides the point.)

What they got right:

So first off, I could tell that they really did consult Asian people in writing this season, so good on them! The difference in how Ryan’s parents raised him in contrast to Min-Gi’s parents felt very natural and realistic to me. Ryan’s family is more westernized and has assimilated more into broader Canadian culture. 

The fact that Ryan has an English name and not a Japanese name immediately shows that. Min-Gi’s parents not choosing an English name for him is a bit of a surprise; very few Asian immigrants go without an English name back in the 20th century. Even nowadays it’s extremely common for us to go by English or Western names that we, or our parents chose, instead of names in our native language. But there are good reasons to not choose an English name. Perhaps Min-Gi’s parents wanted him to have a closer tie to his Korean roots, or perhaps if they travelled back to Korea to visit family it would be easier for them. 

Also, Min-Gi’s parents not supporting his dream of becoming a musician and want him to get a stable job in… I think it was finance? Definitely true back then as it is today. I’m not entirely sure how Ryan’s parents feel about his life choices, and we’ll get into that later.

The character arcs for Ryan and Min-Gi are excellent. This dichotomy of wanting to do the good, responsible thing that your parents want for you because they want you to have the best chance at a good life, and doing what your heart tells you to do, is an extremely relevant character arc. It’s a life decision that is not just an Asian thing, but something anybody can relate to. However, in East Asian cultures that were generally influenced by Confucianism, which includes both Korean and Japanese culture, upholding your duty as a child to not disappoint your parents in any way is something that Asian cultures are prone to emphasizing to a great degree. We see this in other media centered on the Asian immigrant experience as well, such as Kim’s Convenience, Turning Red, and Everything Everywhere All At Once.

What was a bit puzzling to me:

So I'll start off with the thing that definitely raised many many eyebrows if you were an East Asian or Southeast Asian watching the show: Why were Min-Gi's parents so friendly with Ryan's parents when they're Korean and Ryan's family is Japanese?!

So like, not to bring politics into it but… World War II happened. It affected, you know, the world and stuff. And in the Pacific Theatre (god I hate that term), the Imperial Japanese Army… invaded Korea?? Among many other countries??? And did a bunch of war crimes?????

Like, Japan was invading other countries well before WWII even started… This is common knowledge… for Asian people that is.

Yeah I know what you're gonna say. “But Ryan's family is Japanese-Canadian!! They wouldn't have done those war crimes! They would have been sent to internment camps!” Yeah dude, I know! My partner is Japanese-Canadian, remember?! And even if I didn't know him, we learned about the internment camps in history class. It's pretty common knowledge among progressives in Canada and the US. George Takei did a whole musical about it. 

But that's not how racism works. I can speak from personal experience that the scars of WWII trauma in Chinese and Korean communities run deep. Even my own parents needed a bit of convincing to be okay with me dating my partner, and my parents were born two decades after WWII ended. My partner said that one time when he and his grandmother got into an elevator with an elderly Korean woman, and at first she was friendly, but once she realized they were of Japanese descent, the elevator ride became deathly silent afterwards. 

So when you have Min-Gi’s parents, who were probably born during or slightly after WWII, immigrate to Canada, and then be like… totally okay and hunky dory pals with Ryan’s parents just because their kids were born the same day in the same hospital…? I mean sure, anything can happen. But it definitely speaks to how abnormally accepting, forgiving, and welcoming Min-Gi’s parents are. 

To be clear, this isn’t something that pulled me out of the experience, personally. Yes, it is strange, but it’s not impossible for a Korean family to be super okay and friends with a Japanese family. Maybe it’s because their small town has very few Asians and so they have to stick together due to solidarity or something. Maybe Min-Gi’s parents are the type of Christians that believe in the inherent goodness of everyone and giving everyone a chance. Maybe they are just extremely progressive and see Ryan’s family as Canadian more than Japanese (highly unlikely), or they know about the internment camps and that was enough to get over their biases toward them (also unlikely). I dunno, anything can happen.

The other thing that bugged me was that they really didn’t explore Ryan’s relationship with his family to the same depth as Min-Gi’s relationship with his family. 

They already set up the contrast of like, you have an immigrant who is more connected to their cultural background, and a third generation descendent who is less connected, and more alienated from his cultural background. That kind of stuff can really weigh on you as somebody who is a minority. You feel like you simultaneously aren’t Canadian enough because you aren’t white, and that you’re not enough of your cultural background because you had to assimilate, or were forced to assimilate. 

Yes it makes sense why Ryan would throw himself into his music, and be disconnected from his family. But they didn’t take the time to really explore why he is that way. Ryan barely talks about his family except randomly mentioning that they don’t care what he does with his life. I don’t even know if that really makes sense that they don’t care what he does? Maybe Ryan thinks they don’t care, but his assumption is wrong? Either way they don’t explore this point that much. Even if his parents were more assimilated they would still care if Ryan had a non-standard job, such as being a musician. There is a gap between Ryan and his family/parents that was alluded to, but not explored. Feeling like you come from two worlds but not neatly fitting into either is so quintessential to the immigrant experience of Canadians (and also Americans) it’s a shame they only paid lip service to it. 

I mentioned in a different post that Ryan would be monolingual while Min-Gi would be bilingual, and how this could cause tension between them. I imagine Ryan definitely feels inferior to Min-Gi in that sense of loss and disconnect with his heritage, just as Min-Gi is jealous that he feels he doesn't have the freedom to pursue his musical career in the same way that Ryan can. This is all stuff that can take a psychological toll on people, and is something which the Train as a metaphor for therapy should have been primed to tackle. But unfortunately we didn't really get that.

There is a term among the Chinese Diaspora known as “Hollow Bamboo (竹杠)” or “Rising Bamboo (竹升)” [more info]. It's an insult tossed at kids of Chinese ethnicity from judgemental adults for being unable to read/write Chinese or who cannot speak Mandarin/Cantonese/other Chinese languages fluently because they've been “too westernized”. They say we “look Chinese, but are hollow inside, like bamboo.” I don't know if there are equivalent terms for other Asian diaspora/immigrant communities but there must be. This term is controversial, and in my own opinion very unfair, because it blames the kids for this loss of cultural identity when there are so many different factors at play that makes them lose it, all of them outside of their own control. 

Again, I think this is a blindspot from the writers just not understanding how much this loss of cultural identity is such an integral part of the experience of being an immigrant, and that it's not only felt in first or second generation Asian-Canadians, but also third or fourth generation, and beyond. It's scary to go out there and redefine what your culture means to you, and how to pass it on to the next generation.

CONCLUSION

So there you have it, a summary of the strengths and the weaknesses in Infinity Train as it pertains to writing about racialized characters. Just want to restate that a lot of what I pointed out is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things and I do overall think the writing is solid. I am not going into this to say that I expected the writers to do a good job, because generally my expectations for media and pop culture to portray POCs respectfully is quite low. At least they didn’t fall back on tired stereotypes, which is a low bar to clear, but it is where the bar still is these days.

If on the off chance Infinity Train does get uncancelled and renewed for more seasons, I hope they take these lessons and craft better narratives for their POC characters. Maybe hire some more non-white writers while you’re at it!

[beautifulsnake2162020]

We have it all (Hualian adopted daughter fanfic) Chapter 3

Gif by fyodcrs

Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction. I only do this for fun.

Premise: Not long after comforting a bullied girl named Meng Ai, Hua Cheng and Xie Lian find themselves adopting her and together they form a family they didn't know they had needed for awhile.

Story/Genre tags: Slice of life-ish (mainly), Family focused, Hua Cheng's houses finally become homes, there may be an overarching story but that's not the focus, Hualian being parents, Fengqing being uncles, Lang Qianqiu falling in love with someone who was raised by the Xianle squad, technically post-canon (though I haven't read the books so if there are some ooc moments please forgive me).

AO3 Link

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Follower tags: @anonimgato1507

Chapter 3

Blood for blood, blood that you take will be cured from the blood that you give. That was both the solution and the condemnation Xiwangmu's oracle gave their family as they gather once again to make their sacrifice. Ji Huifen despised this but he had no choice but to attend to even know the criteria that they chose. It killed him to be away from his wife and child but for the sake of their future he needed to attend.

He passed by the temple of Xiwangmu and prayed for forgiveness for the crimes his family has done against her. He asks her for strength to endure what is to come.

"You need not attend that gathering." The priest serving as an oracle says. There is a feminine touch to his deep masculine voice. Ji Huifen has learned from experience that it is Xiwangmu speaking through him.

"Your holiness I must, for the sake of the child you have gifted to me."

"Then sit on front of my priest and we will attend within the safety of my temple." He does so and the priest presses his thumbs against his forehead.

He breathes and shakes his head at the memory.

He was here to do his job, as a mage serving in Xiwangmu's name. And everything that she has given him has been a product of her mercy. It is only fair that he uphold his end of the agreement. The fields of Jingdezhen have begun to lose their fertility and so he was sent to help restore it.

As he began walking through a narrow path surrounded by a forest and from the city proper he began feeling one or two presences. They weren't distracting so he ignored them for the mean time.

Until he felt himself pulled away by a seemingly sentient silk bandage.

"What the-"

And then the spot he had once been walking on was now occupied by a small needle like object that undoubtedly carried poison. Soon however he finds his way to Jingdezhen blocked by a rain of arrows and needles. He quickly forms a magical barrier to act as a shield.

"Thank you for saving me." He says reverently to the sentient bandage which seemed to nod back. It seems he had been more attuned and concerned about otherworldly threats that regular assassins became his blindspot.

One of the assassins comes out of hiding and continues to block his path to Jingdezhen.

"Prince Ji Huifen, we come here under the orders of King Ji Bocheng of Fu Dao. Tell us where the princess is and we'll leave you alone."

He narrowed his eyes at this.

"Tell my grandfather I would rather die than let him anywhere near her."

"He told us that you would say that." Another assassin says, he doesn't bother turning to where.

"He tells you to stop being stubborn and that the sacrifice is necessary for the curse to be lifted. Other people's lives are at stake."

"He is wrong - he knows what needs to be done. And it has nothing to do with the princess."

The assassins that now surround him begin to unsheathe their weapons.

"Last chance Prince Ji Huifen, where is your daughter? Surrender her to us and you and your wife will remain unharmed for the rest of your lives."

He prepares the magic he uses in his attacks.

"No torture or deathblow will make me give her to you." No matter what happens.

______________________________________________________________

"How did you two meet San Lang and Xie Lian?"

"Um - well."

"It's complicated." Mu Qing finishes while looking at the little girl. There was no doubt that she was one of the few mortals who could sense their otherworldly presence. But of all the questions that she had to ask them did it have to be that one?

"Huh? What's so complicated about it? Don't people just meet each other?"

"Let's just say that we have both known Xie Lian far longer than San Lang." Feng Xin says trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice. Hopefully that would satisfy her curiosity.

It didn't.

"So the three of you knew each other when you were mortal and you met San Lang after you became spirits?"

"Huh, what gave you that idea?" Even Mu Qing began struggling to keep the mask of calm indifference.

"Well he just said that you both knew Xie Lian longer than San Lang so my guess is that you all knew each other when you were still mortal since you both seem to be very close with Xie Lian but only familiar with San Lang."

"Damn she's quick."

"At this rate we might as well tell her that the three of us are Gods."

"Don't be ridiculous Mu Qing!"

"Well it won't be long before she guesses anyway!"

"It doesn't mean we have to confirm it."

"Also you two have the same type of spirit that Xie Lian has. I don't know what type it is yet but you both have a heartbeat but there is a light but powerful aura that doesn't cling to anything. Meanwhile San Lang is a ghost because there is a clinginess to keep his form and he doesn't have a heart beat. He's also powerful since he was able to carry me, but his spirit type is definitely different from you two and Xie Lian's. Um why are you two staring at each other angrily?"

"Oh just reminding him of something. Nothing to worry about Meng Ai." Feng Xin turns to face her not minding the pointed look that Mu Qing is giving him.

"So what do you want to do? Do you want to go to Puqi village?"

"Um I think it's better if I just stay here. Mama says that once I go inside Puqi shrine to not leave the grounds until she comes later to pick me up. She must have seen something in her visions this morning so I would rather follow her."

"How nice of you - see Fu Yao, there is still some good in this world."

"Of course there is, it just doesn't apply to you."

"Why you-"

"Meng Ai, if there's anything you should learn from today, it's to be better than Nan Feng."

"Better than him at what?"

"Honestly, be better at him in anything that you do. So anything else you want to learn from us?" She thinks for awhile as Feng Xin curses him through their telepathic channel and he replies with a snarky laugh.

"Do either of you know how to play Go or Xiangqi? I've always wanted to learn but Baba is busy with his work and Mama only knows Coan Ki." Feng Xin immediately brings out a Go board with enthusiasm.

"Meng Ai, prepare to watch as I make him eat his words."

"We're supposed to teach her how to play first you idiot. How is she going to understand the game if she doesn't know what's going on?"

"Nan Feng, how do you carry a Go board and Go pieces with you around?"

"Taoist magic. And since you want to learn how to play how do you want us to teach you?"

"Um can you explain it to me while I play against one of you?"

"Sure, why don't I teach you while we play against Fu Yao?"

"That would be unfair to her. I'm just going to end up beating you anyways."

"I thought this would be teaching her how it's played first!"

"It is! That's why she should play with me against you first."

"I have an idea! What if I spin this chopstick and whomever the narrower part points to will play with me."

"Hmph seems fair enough."

"Of course she's fair, she's nothing like you."

"PARDON ME!"

"I'm going to spin it now." Meng Ai couldn't help but giggle as she spins the chopstick.

"Ha! See that, the universe chose me to play with her."

"Doesn't mean that you're going to win." Feng Xin says as he crosses his arms as Meng Ai sits beside Mu Qing.

"Um do we play as Black or White?"

"White so that you could make the first move." "Black so that he could move first." Meng Ai laughs and spins the chopstick around again.

______________________________________________________________

Is this how it ends? Ji Huifen asks himself as another wave of assassins emerge from the trees. He's exhausted, and it seems his new friend the magical silk bandage can only do so much. And before he knows it he ends up on the ground and turns to see his would be killer.

Using the last of his energy he blasts them away and knocking them out with his spell. Fortunately it seems that the pathway to Jingdezhen is now open and he takes his chance as he creates a quick mist to cover his escape. Unfortunately he also loses the sentient silk bandage in the midst. He'll thank the being who sent that to him later when he reaches Xiwangmu's temple grounds. The closer he is to the temple, the closer he is to safety. He needs rest more than ever since making the portal going here from Hu village came at a high cost for his energy.

He reaches the city and quickly asks where Xiwangmu's temple was located. Thankfully, he was directed where to go and was quickly taken in by the priest.

"Rest. I have questions but it seems you need rest more than ever."

"Thank you, your Holiness."

And he allows himself to fall into the realm of sleep.

Just outside the temple were two figures, one in crimson and the other in white.

"Good work Ruoye." He gave a little pet to the silk band as he and Hua Cheng enter into the temple grounds. Hua Cheng being in the guise of San Lang. An adept greets them in the entrance.

"Good day you two, how may we help you?"

"We were wondering if you would allow us to stay for a while? My husband and I are exhausted from travelling and we believe we are meeting someone here?"

"Of course, let me check with his Holi - "

"There would be no need adept." The priest who was in charge of running the temple for the day says in a distinctly feminine tone despite the priest's masculine voice.

"Get them some of the best rooms as accomodation. I've already informed the others of their arrival."

"Of course Great Mother." The adept says urgently as they hastily depart from them to do their task.

"So this is how they know it's you." Hua Cheng states in a neutral tone.

"I don't always possess the bodies of my priests and priestesses. But I like to do it every now and then to let everyone know that there is a difference between my being and the mortal body who delivers my messages. Besides, we all have a vested interest in you two learning more of why we want you to adopt Meng Ai. And Ji Huifen cannot do that when he is dead unless he himself chooses to become a ghost."

"Did you know about the assassination attempt?"

"I had a feeling it could happen, Dianxie. But it was only the night before that the possibility became higher. And so I sent an urgent vision to his wife to get both of you to save him." The same adept returned them and began leading them to their accomodations.

"Oh speaking of his wife, I have also sent her to take care of your shrine at Puqi and to also serve as a temporary caretaker in your absence. She'll be there once she has finished her duties for my temple. Since Meng Ai is there, and Feng Xin and Mu Qing are now officially competing on who is the better teacher, I think it shouldn't be that much of a problem."

"Hopefully those two don't destroy the shrine when we return." Xie Lian says sheepishly.

"That's why Meng Ai is there. The little girl has a talent for diverting their otherwise destructive tendencies."

"Ji Huifen is currently resting and regaining his energy. You might be able to meet him later when he awakens. If you need anything else, you need only ask an adept, a priest or a priestess."

"Of course, thank you Xiwangmu." And on front of them she departs from her priest's body who massages the temples of his head for a bit.

"Do you need help?"

"Oh no it's fine, sometimes she's abrupt in leaving our bodies. But nothing that can't be solved with Ginseng tea." His voice now lacks the feminine tone that was present when Xiwangmu was present.

"Anyway here are your accomodations good sirs, dinner will be in a couple of hours. We could send someone to escort you to the dining area."

"Thank you once again." The priest bows to them before making his leave. The accomodations while not as grand as their bedroom in Paradise Manor was still more than adequate but still overall modest.

"Do you think we could discuss things here?"

"We're in a room in a temple of a popular Goddess, there's too many ears for a discreet discussion."

"Hmm good point. Who knows what anyone might do with such information."

"Well." Hua Cheng sits on the bed then pats the space beside him. His expression was affectionate, mischievous and suggestive all at once.

"I don't think anybody could eavesdrop if we whisper. We both also need our rest after we took care of those assassins together." Xie Lian chuckles as he eagerly joins him. They settle in a comfortable position as Xie Lian rests his head in the crook of Hua Cheng's neck and the latters hands are around his waist while his was on Hua Cheng's chest.

"Fu Dao, they were a trading spot that Xianle began trading with. I remember getting excited when one of my uncles would arrive at the palace filled with new goods from there."

"From a trading spot to an entire kingdom. One of the richest since it is through there that foreign goods from the silk road more often than not enter."

"Hmm, but why would the royal family need to make a sacrifice involving Meng Ai? Or more importantly what type of sacrifice would the king interpret to need his great-granddaughter? Surely a wealthy and thriving kingdom like Fu Dao wouldn't need to do human sacrifices."

"We can't rule it out Gege. Who knows what goes on in those walls."

"Hmm." Xie Lian snuggles closer, he finds Hua Cheng's hand and intwines their fingers together. Not to arouse but to savor in the intimacy of the moment.

"How about the royal family? Any idea what could possibly make their king hunt down his great-granddaughter?"

"There's no denying that at such a young age Xiao-Ai is skilled enough to see and talk to ghosts. That much is certain, then add the abilities of her parents and it's no wonder that to those who are discerning she's quite powerful. She just doesn't know how to use it or describe it. But she has great potential, especially if she'll develop new ones over time or if her powers will just grow."

"Do you think that's why they want us to adopt her?"

"Gege, you sound nervous."

"Considering my history of raising children, I'm nervous about making the same mistakes again. What if - what if she'll end up more confused like Ban Yue, or she'll end up too idealistic like Lang Qianqiu?"

"Gege." Hua Cheng shifts their positions bringing Xie Lian to rest on top of his as he caresses his back.

"You may have had a part in raising them, but even they are also the product of their own choices." He gives him a kiss on his forehead.

"Ban Yue is confused because she is still growing up. It's only recently that she is no longer in the influence of Pei Xiu that she's discovering who she is. And that boy who somehow ascended is idealistic and naive not because of anything that you have done, but because for a long time he couldn't comprehend nuance no matter how hard you tried. If you want to adopt her, I know things will be different."

"How?" Hua Cheng smiles as he caresses his husband's face.

"Because this time I'll be by your side, no matter what you decide." His heart was touched and he leaned in to kiss his beloved on the lips. He felt his lips open and he deepened the kiss. Doing anything and everything he can to express how much he loves San Lang. When they broke apart he leaned in to have their foreheads touch.

"San Lang?"

"Yes Gege?"

"We still have enough time for ourselves right?" Hu Cheng closes the gap between them as he brings him closer and sits up.

"Definitely, Gege."

_____________________________________________________________

"Hey! Stop coaching her!"

"I'm not coaching her, I'm telling her every possible consequence of every move she makes."

"How is she going to play on her own?"

"No, Fu Yao is being really helpful, I think I'm starting to understand a bit more now."

"See that Nan Feng, it's called teaching."

"Hello?" A woman's voice calls out from the entrance.

"Is anyone there?"

"MAMA!" Meng Ai jumps from her chair as she rushes out to embrace her mother. Mu Qing and Feng Xin looks out from the window as mother and daughter reunite.

"Oh my little darling how are you? Have you been good?"

"Yes mama, ask Fu Yao and Nan Feng!" Meng Ai leads her to them. Now up close they see that is is from her that Meng Ai gets her amber colored eyes and most of her features.

"Thank you so much for looking after her."

"It's no problem ma'am."

"Just doing our jobs, teaching her how to play Go was an amazing experience." Feng Xin gives him the side eye as he is feeling smug.

"Well I've been -" Her eyes begin glowing and her face goes into a trance.

"What's going on?"

"Mama is having a vision Nan Feng." A few seconds later she shakes her head and looks terrified.

"Aiai, stay inside the living quarters, I need to tell them something."

"Yes Mama." Once Meng Ai was inside she makes a gesture to them to follow her to make sure that her daughter cannot overhear them. She gives a brief bow before they see the seriousness in her eyes.

"General Xuan Zhen, General Nan Yang, there is going to be an attack tonight going toward this shrine."

"What did you see?" Feng Xin asks with the same amount of grimness.

"It seems to be a mix of soldiers, assassins, and magicians. It's the magicians that I'm worried about the most."

"Why?"

"I saw them control jiangshi and other types of monsterous creatures. I don't know how much time we have but if things get worse and should you need to make a difficult choice. Please promise me..." she looks toward the shrine where Meng Ai is. Her eyes begins to water at just the possibility of what may happen tonight.

"We will." Mu Qing says with sincerity as Feng Xin nods in agreement.

"Thank you for your vision, don't worry about us."

"Go to your daughter, we'll take care of everything here." Mu Qing says as Feng Xin begins sending a message through the telepathic matrix of the heavens.

"Thank you generals." She makes her way to the living quarters while they step out of the temple grounds.

One shared look and one shared nod was all they needed to begin making preparations.

AN:

Ji - Hope, huì fēn – bright philosophy

bó chéng–great success

Xiao-Ai - Little Ai

Aiai - Love love I'm not sure if people would actually do this with the name Ai specifically but I read that some names are repeated as nicknames.

Sorry if there is not much uncle moments with Fengqing. Hualian wanted to have a moment.

[nachosncheeze]

Hello! I've newly posted one of my first-ever fics to AO3 for rewatch. :)

A little Jane (and Roman) ficlet, 763 words. Set near the end of 3x22, before the team returns from South Africa, with spoilers to 4x12. ANGST. It was written in a single sitting without any proofreading because it was too sad to edit. I hope you all enjoy, and if you haven't seen it before (or even if you have!) I'd love to know what you think. :D

[unorthodox-oblivion]

17, 22, 30

17. Have you ever written fanfiction for a show?

Yep. I have. I used to post in... 2012, when I was still an itty bitty baby who was super proud of stuff and didn't care what people thought and was just excited to be part of something. Unfortunately, while I still don't care what other people think, I grew to be way too self critical and, although I still write (for myself), I won't be posting any of it online 😂

22. If you could write your own TV show, what would it be like?

Actually, @guadalajara92 and I worked on a whole pilot during the pandemic. It's sci fi, that's all I'll give ya 🤐 maybe one day it will make it to your screen

30. What's one show you could probably write a 2k word essay on, and what would be your topic?

I actually did this for my final project in film school. We could choose between a practical project (making an actual film/short film/video clip/documentary and what not) or a thesis. I went for a thesis on the representation of women in crime dramas between 2000-2020 and its impact in society and I used Temperance Brennan (Bones), Kate Beckett (Castle) and Jane Doe (Blindspot) as subjects for my analysis. Now that it's over, I can say it was fun, but I nearly shaved my head out of pure stress while writing it all

[rowlev]

Do you have any Daredevil fic/ reading recs? 👀

I’m gonna be honest I don’t read that much fanfiction. However there is one fic that I swear is what I will imagine mcu canon as post-snap no matter what the new born again series gives us. I spent several hours trying to find it again so you better read it lol.

Premise is post-NWH Spider-Man trying to tough out life and Matt trying to establish a presence in Hell’s Kitchen again after being snapped. Lots of found family tropes, and really hits the spot for my interpretation of Matt ngl. I haven’t checked in on it in a year and now ao3 is requiring an account to read it so idk how it is now, but highly recommend.

As for reading recs on comics, I think my favorite runs are bendis/brubaker, waid, and zdarsky if I had to pick some, but honestly they’re all good. Like objectively speaking daredevil has some of the most consistent quality writing compared to other comics.

Especially in bendis there is some really fantastic art by David Mack and storytelling, best used to describe the origin story of echo, who currently is getting a show produced about her in the mcu. Apparently the trailer just dropped so I’m pretty hype about that. Overall I think bendis is the bread and butter of daredevil. It accumulates the early history of daredevil into what forms his core character.

Zdarsky is really good if you’re a fan of the Netflix show. It leans more heavily into the religious side of daredevil if you’re into that, and honestly the characterizations feel like they could be ripped out of the tv show. I especially enjoy the first half (pre devil’s reign), but the second half is also pretty good.

Waid I think is my all time favorite run, mostly because it builds onto everything else that makes daredevil’s character and creates a sort of meta analysis of it. Plus it feels the most emotional - at this point he’s trying to go public with his secret identity and it’s a genuinely painful process for him to allow himself to be vulnerable. Yet it’s also a time where you get to be happy for him that he’s finally reaching happiness. I genuinely start tearing up whenever I reach the end of this run. I appreciate the soule run very much (blindspot is awesome!) but I can’t ever forgive him for robbing Matt of the ending of waid.

New run of daredevil is also currently in the works with Saladin Ahmed if you want to start out with a totally fresh story for daredevil. There’s only like 2 issues out so I can’t impose any judgment on it yet but it’s certainly an interesting new position they’re putting daredevil in.

Hope this helps!

[palmviolet]

Hi! I just want to say that I really love the way you write Steve. Eddie too obviously, but I was re-reading some of your older fics, and he really just shines, flaws, missteps, and all. He's so real and genuinely good. You made a comment a while back to someone that Steve's growth was more stripping back the layers of high school bs and toxic masculinity than learning anything new. I think about that all the time while reading him! And that shines even in better by you where he's not the focus. Wanted to share my appreciation for your writing!

hi, thank you so much!! i had a lot of fun writing steve from his own perspective in those earlier fics and it makes it all the more rewarding now, writing him from eddie's perspective - eddie who has absolutely no idea what he's thinking and indeed a certain blindspot where it comes to him. i do love a flawed character and a flawed dynamic and having delved into his headspace so deeply with sub-culture and the lathe, it's a nice reversal to see only glimpses in better by you. this is partly why i find fanfiction so rewarding - we can rehearse the same character from so many different angles, each shedding a new light.

[colpapabear]

hogan's heroes fics recs

i can!

There are four long fanfictions that I consider the best. Two are gen, two are shippy.

gen:

The Master Manipulator by Guildsister Rated: T - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 28, Words: 143,921

Tinker to Evers to Chance is the play, Hogan said once to Klink. But who in the series are Tinker, Evers, and Chance? Who is the master manipulator of them all?

recommended because: outstanding drama, storytelling and crafting of the complicated relationship between Klink and Hogan as unlikely brothers in arms, fabulous Hogan backstory

Theatre of War by Eva M. Seifert (alternative link to ff.net) Rated: T - Drama - A Four Act series, words: around 280k in total. there are originally going to be six parts apparently, but the fifth is still in the works, so I'm calling it four complete parts.

November 1944 - the war finally impacts on Stalag 13 with new prisoners, budget cuts and tragedy. The fun and games of the earlier years have ended, forcing everyone, especially Hogan and Klink, to reevaluate their relationships.

recommended because: a fic that has been around since the 90's, again outstanding character work and believable building of unlikely comradery and friendship between Hogan and Klink with the twist that Klink is also a spy.

Slash: Men of Honor - Starflight1701 Rated: E - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 110, Words: 864,278

When Hochstetter arrests Hogan, Klink is forced to outgrow himself. With the war reaching its peak at the beginning of 1945, and Hogan facing torture and death, Klink knows he has to become the ‘Iron Eagle’ again if he wants to save himself and the man he secretly has fallen for since the day they met. In the darkest times of the war, the only light of hope is the two men's sense of honor - and the developing love both had never thought to find in each other' arms. Slightly AU.

recommended because: filled with an impressive amount of historical background information, very dramatic and dark, believable development of their relationship from enemies to friends to lovers

Blindspots - Macx Rated: M - Drama/Romance/Fantasy, Chapters: 29, Words: 90,685

This is how it is: Hogan and his men are the devious operatives, working underneath Klink's nose. Sabotage, thefts and whatever else London orders. Klink is the inept POW camp commander with a perfect non-escape record they can manipulate to work in their favor. Perfect cover. No one ever expected anything to change. Especially not in the way it did. With a bang, not a whimper. With a revelation that changes everything. Especially for a special operations military Sentinel trained to work alone. Someone who thought he had everything under control, who knew the players in this game they were playing. Fact is: he didn't. When things go extremely sideways for Hogan because he makes a big mistake in front of a Gestapo Sentinel, the help he receives comes from the last place he expected. It turns his world upside down and inside out. They just might not survive it.

recommended because: really fun sentiel and guide AU (which i knew nothing about prior to reading this), fantasy elements worked into the historical background, Hogan and Klink as two lone wolfs who have kept to themselves for different reasons have found their match in each other and could become stronger than ever if they only let each other in