#I've been so depressed and irritated the past few days and i think this stuff is just weighing on me

[maraeffect]

(i need you to listen)

i do not want this body (my body is failing)

skin me like a basilisk (my body is failing)

electric cross to touch somebody (my body is failing)

justify my temperament

[marinecorvid]

Hey corvid, how open are you to Ranger head cannons? DO you have any yourself?

I am ABSOLUTELY open to headcanons and i have sososo many. here are some of them, typed out haphazardly and not quite fully formed but are the basis by what lens i see GS through

OKAY so this is turned out to be. long. and some a lot the vast majority of these headcanons are way more in depth/personal than other generally applicable hc stuff so yknow look upon my works ye mighty and despair, etc etc. ended up [redacting] some stuff, partly because i'm not ready to share in the state it's currently in in my head, and sometimes because i am still figuring stuff out sorry this is probably way more than what you were looking for but brain cells go out the door when i think about GS.

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coolio FIRST UP. MY KIDS

Summer Serrano: A sensitive, romantic, and compassionate person at heart, but with a sharp chip on her shoulder from a rough early life, Summer enables the "offense is the best defense" strategy personality-wise, causing her to often be perceived as much more aloof/prickly than she usually actually is. Clever, creative, insightful. Observant. Open to new experiences and learning. Quiet. Quietly snarky. Easy to irritate. Has a deeply skewed sense of danger/self preservation due to a depression/trauma combo; operates by a "go hard or go home" mindset (part of an in-universe explanation for why, when faced with Mewtwo not once but TWICE, she didn't back down. The other part was "flight" in fight or flight wasn't an option here, it was do or die).

Fun facts: Is a polyglot - speaks the Orre dialect of Paldé (Poke-Spanish - considering that Orre is based on Arizona and how close that is to Mexico, I'm headcanoning there's a lot of cultural influence), Galaic (Poke-English), is picking up Almian, picked up Oblivian in Oblivia, and can stumble her way through a conversation in Kalaic/Fiori (French/Italian, based on the fact that they're both romantic languages like Spanish, there's enough similarity she can kinda get the gist), and Ben's taught her a few words in Kantese; considers Paldé her native tongue, is much more talkative in it than Galaic, in which she's fairly quiet. Has a hyperthymestic/eidetic memory, IE she can remember most things vividly almost to the point of exactly. Drinks black coffee, sometimes brews it with Red Bull instead of water when she's hyperfixated on something and is regarding sleep as a choice, not a necessity. Calls Ben a variety of nicknames (Benjamin, Benji, Benvolio) when she wants something (his attention, just to bother him); he tolerates this with grace. Has a height of a exactly five foot zero and is deeply disgruntled about it. Isn't a very material person but likes to collect little knickknacks and trinkets from where she and Ben visit/go on missions.

Backstory: Okay full disclosure I've been reworking her mental backstory a lot in my head, so there's gonna be some very vague/blank spots. Born n raised in Pyrite Town, Orre in a not great neighborhood but not the worst. Parents are out of the picture, I think lived with an aunt/distant relative/foster parent? that ended up wrangling a bunch of kids that pretty much meant Summer grew up kinda doing whatever the hell she wanted, the kind of young ne'er-do-well who would make a game out of throwing rocks through the window panes of the old abandoned factories because there's nothing better to do. Ran with most of the other local kids because that's what you did (safety in numbers. You don't want to get caught alone, especially after dark. That's how people disappear).

Except uhh maybe early-mid teens?? The local Colosseum itself is old as shit, hasn't had maintenance in a while, part of it collapses midmatch into the Under, triggering a bunch of landslides and cave-ins due to the unstable land from all the mining that was done in the past. Summer gets caught in one of these, gets stuck for a few days, experiences the worst 72 hours of her life, eventually gets pulled out by an emergency response team (now that I'm writing it out, maybe by some Rangers that offered Orre assistance??? food for thought). Spends a few days shuffled around at an overworked hospital/clinic. Because she managed to get out without any broken bones and only a mild concussion, they push her out the doors to focus on worse patients. Doesn't go home, kinda wanders the city in a daze thinking "what the fuck. what the fuck. fuck this place." wandering takes her to a some kind of high place where she can look over the city and all the emergency crews and smoke and thinks "is this really it? is this gonna be my life? stuck in a dusty city where the streets are collapsing and everything's always broken and constantly looking over my shoulder?" (because even though her neighborhood was once alright, things have been getting worse) and then thinks "fuck that. fuck that so much"

and maybe like… in a few days? wanders back home, grabs a backpack, takes as many snacks and scrounges as many dollars as she can from home, hikes herself out to the nearest tracks, and hops a cargo train out of Orre up the Western Coast. (In my mental map of this corner of the Pokemon world, passes through some unnamed regions and into Paldea.) Scrounges up enough currency to catch a ferry to Almia? and … sometime … she gets involved in the Ranger Union, huzzah. maybe a Ranger that pulled her out of the rubble got her thinking about the Ranger Union? it makes an impression? very haphazard. I'm working on it

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Ben Yuuko: If you'd ask your average Almian citizen to describe your average Ranger, 1 out of 3 would describe an archetype resembling Ben. Earnest, honest, easily trusting, fun-loving, with misplaced confidence to walk out of dangerous situations unscathed, Ben is the "possess social smarts - doesn't always use them" to Summer's "has street smarts - doesn't always use them." Similar to Summer, a deeply compassionate person. Prone to mild teasing. Had a relatively easy adolescence, somewhat naive - struggles DEEPLY during the events of GS, as a lot of rose-tinted lenses are being shattered, as he's now dealing with a traumatic happenings himself that he's only "experienced" second-hand through the people around him (Summer, former foster siblings in worse situations); dealing with how people will have seemingly irrational thoughts + actions that seem perfectly justified in the moment, why even the people you care for lash out at you, that people who seem villainous are still deeply human and rarely pure evil. Deals with some pretty bad anxiety.

Fun facts: Speaks Kantese and Galaic, kinda picks up Oblivian, Summer's taught him a little Paldé. Is a pretty decent cook! Can make some good food with minimal ingredients; it causes him physical pain to watch Summer dip pickle slices in Nutella like chips and hummus. Considers his most valuable possession to be a pair of 90s moon shoes. Takes dance classes for fun when not on duty. Calls Summer a variety of nicknames (Sunshine, Summertime Sadness) for fun; she is grumpy about it. Uses Summer's shoulder as an armrest when he thinks he can get away with it without being elbowed in the ribs.

Backstory: Born and raised in Johto, I'm thinking Olivine City. In contrast to Summer's chaotic home life, Ben was fostered with caring adults and a handful of younger kids, both biological children of his foster parents and other foster children that cycled through. However, though he deeply appreciates what they've done for him, and that he's rationally aware he was raised in a VERY good foster environment, he never really connected to them as parents. (He does keep regularly in touch with a few of the foster kids he helped wrangle though.) (Also sorry Ben. you don't have very detailed info in comparison to summer rn)

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Ben and Summer: Besties, partners, ride or die for each other. Queerplatonic relationship, in the sense that they're both queer and not romantically involved (though there was brief 5-second period of Summer accidentally concussing Ben and him thinking he was in love with her) but by the time GS has finished with canon events they pretty much always consider each other when thinking about what they want to do in life

The first time they met after spending a day together (under undetermined circumstances but shenanigans were probably involved), Summer (grew up in a dangerous place) looked at Ben and thought "this is the most harmless guy on earth. Jesus Christ he's gonna get eaten alive at the first sign of actual trouble" and decided protecting him would be her #1 priority from that point on. Ben (grew up being an armchair therapist to foster kids more troubled than he) looked at Summer and thought "she is so scared and so dysfunctional even in a safe environment :(" and decided he was going to be her best friend from then on.

Of course by living together and working together their perceptions of each other have evolved. Ben deeply admires her competency in the field (despite her unorthodox methods, usually lacking in self preservation) and by the time GS comes around, is looking to her blasé attitude towards danger as something to imitate, which is what leads to Ben kinda mouthing off to Red Eyes the first time they meet, which isn't really authentic Ben behavior; he gets better as the game's canon events continue and he realizes Summer's seemingly natural confidence is a carefully maintained mask that she keeps to prevent anyone from seeing how scared and nervous she actually, and to keep herself from breaking down from all the stress and anxiety she's under. Though Oblivia is a shit time for them in many ways and leaves them with many issues, it also deepens their understanding of each other and are far more open emotionally, and lays the groundwork for future growth.

on a less serious note

Them that's Them

Since you need to be at a certain rank to fly on Staraptor, I'm going to say they're actually pretty good Rangers in their own right before Oblivia

Oblivia is their first overseas missions, and Hastings specifically wanted them to have a mentor in Rand, who's an experienced Ranger and could help iron out some issues that were forming (worried they were getting too codependent w each other. ironically they just ended up with horrible separation anxiety); their modus operandi is that Ben talks more with people, and Summer does more of the heavy lifting

during Oblivia they picked up the habit of sleeping in the same bed; they don't feel safe not being able to reach out and feel the other nearby

Ukulele Pichu is technically Summer's partner Pokemon but they're equally attached to the little guy and vice versa. He likes to hang out in the hoods of their jackets when it's chilly

The first time Summer ever experienced a real winter, Ben stuffed snow down the back of her coat within 5 minutes. Summer retaliated by dumping a bucket of it on him while he slept that night

Ben would say one of the greatest challenges he faces in his life is getting Summer to stay in bed when she's sick

Summer is a chronic clothes stealer; Ben starts buying two of everything when they start sharing a dorm in the Union

In the years following Shadows of Almia and the very public dissolution of Altru/Team Dim Sun, there's been a surge in Ranger applicants and Union leaders are frantically trying to figure out where to house so many people; usually the people who get the best academic scores are stationed at the Union building directly, but lots of runner ups ended up being temporarily housed there while other accommodations are being developed. However, upon realizing that Ben and Summer are both more capable beyond their number scores, they were reassigned to the Union building.

General Ranger headcanon is that to prevent mental and physical burnout, all Rangers are required to take either staggered breaks or one big chunk of a break/vacation time throughout the year

Summer and Ben usually spend theirs in an apartment in dockside Puel Town (not allowed to live in Union building during mandatory break, as it might encourage one to act on duty even when they're supposed to be resting), but post GS incorporate Oblivia into their break time; Rand and Leanne more or less consider them their own kids and are always happy to house them

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OBLIVIA REGION + MYTHOLOGY:

Okay so you know how in canon Booker is Hastings' brother? The only reason Oblivia (who as a reason at one point definitely was under threat from some kind of occupation, so some older folks are pretty wary of outsiders) is so tolerant of Rangers coming in and solving shit is because whatever governance the runs the place collectively sees Rangers as "Oh those are some of Hastings' kids, yeah they're alright" (because Hastings helped found the Ranger Union, etc etc, and he's pretty smart and wants to keep Oblivia left alone as possible so if he trusts these people, so will we). I know in canon they're pretty. Well. Oblivious to all the shit that's going on but not so in the sandbox of my canon, in that the local folk are pretty hostile towards Pinchers and have their own grassroots force also working to keep an eye out and fend them off when Rangers are in a different part of the region.

Oblivia is also a lot bigger than the main islands we see! The reason we don't get to go to other islands is because they're by and large uninhabited: by not being able to support human life, because Pokemon have made their home there, or because they're forbidden on accounts of being cursed ground. Which is also why Purple Eyes needed Leanne to discern Zapdos' location, because it could've also theoretically been on any other treacherous mountain island (and also to translate a lot of other stuff he was having trouble with)

Misc. headcanon: a lot of people assume because Rand is the breadwinner man of the house that he's like the head of household, however 1) both he and Leanne would argue they are equals in this marriage and family, neither of them outrank each other, and 2) Leanne is head of the household. it is not acknowledged and she herself denies it with an fondly exasperated eyeroll but everyone else living there knows she is Mom, Terrible And Mighty and all decisions are run by her first

Misc Headcanon #2: Rand is a very good baker, and because I feel bad he doesn't have a partner Pokemon of his own I say he has a Mightyena named Lucky! he walks with Nema to and from school. Post game, Leanne gets a therapy/emotional support Espeon

Nema's somewhere on the autism spectrum. Sometimes goes nonverbal when she gets overwhelmed, but instead of learning sign language communicates with a pseudo-Morse code, using a combination of already existing codes and some ones they made up; Ben and Summer get pretty good at it and Summer starts using it frequently too

Suicune is the most no-nonsense of the legendary beasts, mostly because the Sky Fortress is hidden on their island and therefore they're the one who's working hardest to keep it hidden. Entei is like an old cat/dog, a little lazy, prefers a calm environment, sometimes casuallly shows up when Rand's grilling food outside, flops on the ground, and doesn't leave until they get thrown a steak or something. Raikou is like the little brother of the bunch, they're very active and like to run, nosy, always smells when Summer has treats with her.

Following the defeat of Sabios and the Sky Fortress in ancient times, Oblivia's Golden Age came to a close. The royal line thought to be ended, as Sabios fled the region in disgrace and Ravio sired no known heirs, and the ancient Oblivians were so desperate to bury the Sky Fortress, that if they couldn't destroy it or the Golden Armor the least they could do was to destroy everything else pertaining to it, burn any paper holding knowledge of it, seal the living batteries for it (titans of the sky) to the highest peaks, strike every wall naming it except for one they erected in dire warning in the hopes that should anyone be fool enough to stumble across it they would be persuaded against unearthing anything else. And so history became legend, legend became myth, and for a thousand years all knowledge of the Sky Fortress, the Golden Armor, and Ancient Oblivia passed out of almost all knowledge, even to modern Oblivians - until some guy calling himself Amun had to come dig it all up, realize his folly too late and try to bury it again, but by that time the Societea had already caught wind of it, and you know what happens next.

Summer didn't fall directly into the ocean from that height like in canon, once Ben realized what happened, he flew down after her and managed to grab her, slowing her down enough so that that fall distance would be survivable. Unfortunately for them, Red Eyes brought his Charizard to the party, Ben got grabbed, and Summer still falls. (She also isn't nearly as conscious as in canon when she hits the water, she's barely manages to get her rebreather on before her vision goes dark, and only sees the underwater Rainbow Dais in a very feverish state.)

The Celebi that transports you to and from the past is running the longcon. Bringing Summer back in time to inspire Ravio to become the ancient hero with Summer's stories of the ancient hero, while Summer is inspired by stories of the ancient hero to act as the next guardian of Oblivia. It has lived on this islands since before any other Pokemon or humans settled there, and the extent of its knowledge and motives are inscrutable to literally everybody. Post-GS Celebi wouldn't take a distressed Summer back in time to stop the sky fortress from rising in the first place because that would mess up the time loop it's got going on. The time loop is also why all the legendary Pokemon trust her so much immediately after meeting her and give her their sigils; they remember her from the old past

Before Ho Oh (and eventually the legendary beasts) was the main religious focus in Oblivia, many many years ago, Arceus was worshiped. However, due to [SEE BELOW], Arceus stepped to the side and allowed a spiritual leader in ancient times to take the mantle of Guardian of the Sky, being reborn as the first Ho Oh in recorded history upon her death. In a similar fashion, the legendary beasts, titans of the sky, and Guardian of the Sea all were once human in their first life, but bear only memories and not the emotions attached as their time as timeless guardians.

Alola was not the first region Ultra Necrozma terrorized in its desperation for light; after being nearly wrent asunder by an priestess blessed with the power to bend light, it fled down the equator, finally coming to Alola. A portion of Necrozma's light body settled upon the span of the Oblivia region, becoming the origin for a power that eventually fueled the creation of the Steelhead Armor, the Golden Armor, and the Sky Fortress.

I also know I've mentioned this before but Lugia absolutely is involved in storming the sky fortress. Ho Oh is too old and weakened to fight off the titans of the sky by herself so Lugia has to get involved and knock the shit out of em before Ho Oh can neutralize it enough that summer and ben can get in there. They're also the one who drags Summer onto the shore of Dolce Island instead of getting waterlogged when she gets knocked into the sea (headcanon made entirely by the fact that during the title screen, you can see lugia's silhouette in the background. and also my belief that lugia is one of the coolest pokemon ever and deserves screentime all the time)

Post-past missions and after the Sky Fortress is sealed away for the first time, Ravio summons Arceus to try to apologize for the sins of his father, who bound it to his will with the Golden Armor. It didn't end well.

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VILLAINS:

Red Eyes AKA Reid O'Sullivan: also born n raised in Pyrite, like Summer. (totally wild coincidence there. that won't affect anything at all) Grew up SUPER admiring the Colosseum battlers, got a Torchic from uhh somewhere? Anyways it's the Blaziken you see in the post-game. He was really looking forward to starting a mentorship kinda thing with a battler who had a habit of taking youngins under his belt, you know to keep them from getting into crime and whatnot. Unfortunately for everyone involved, said battler died when Pyrite's Colosseum collapsed midmatch, Red Eyes barely made it out as mid-teen, and lost some friends of his own in the fall.

Feeling distinctly fucked over, got into some worse circles, got a reputation for being a tough guy who's half-competent with good battle instincts, gets involving in a poaching ring. Eventually gets to be the de-facto leader of that poaching ring as a young adult. Eventually approached with an offer to expand, combine with another poaching ring or two by a backer who'd be willing to invest and whatnot. Red Eyes, generally a proud guy and flattered, goes "SURE" (he will later regret this) and actually takes on the moniker of Red Eyes because if he's gonna do bigger stuff he doesn't want to be throwing his legal name around.

And uh I'll be honest with you - by the time GS rolls around, he's not having a good time with the unified Pinchers. He hates his boss. His boss's bosses, whom he only barely knows about, are getting them involved in some Weird Ass Shit, like looking for wall carvings instead of poaching. He doesn't fucking like it, but because confusion and unsurety is weakness, he does not show any of this. He's actually at the end of his rope when Summer and Ben roll up, and is so stressed out that he falls for like, a basic level taunt from Ben and tries to shoot him out of the sky. Summer, of course, takes the hit, falls into the ocean, they drag Ben back to the sub so he can't cause any trouble for them. He stares at the wall in his room. He might've just killed a Ranger, and that's, uh, a potentially serious murder charge. Shit. Good thing's she's not actually dead! Somehow! and totally not someone he recognizes. at all. And then proceeds to have a somehow worse time as Summer just. keeps. beating him

Blue Eyes AKA Blaire Park: Uhh not sure if born but definitely grew up in Gateon Port, learned about boats n shit, why she's the one in charge on the submarine. I'm not sure exactly what she was doing before the Pinchers, but she was doing something that was going fine! right up until she, flattered in some way, goes "SURE" (she will later regret this) and actually takes on the moniker of Blue Eyes because if she's gonna do bigger stuff she doesn't want to be throwing her legal name around.

But by the time GS rolls around, Blue Eyes, like Red Eyes, wants Fucking Out. She, like Red Eyes, is stressed to hell, and from the time Summer shows up in Amun's mansion to accidentally getting trapped in an underwater cave, shit's a conga line of failure and embarrassment. She was not, perhaps, in the best state of mind when she decided to Plan Z the submarine. (Getting fired by Purple Eyes in the moment was not a fun thing, but she did realize she got away mostly scot-free, so she got what she wanted in a way.)

And that's how those two become friends/coworkers-with-benefits-who-sometimes-antagonize-each-other-for-environmental-enrichment, and also they bond over and complain about their asshole sadist of a boss, but not where he can hear, because he's an asshole sadist and they don't want to piss him off and invite him to be a sadist in their direction.

Fun facts: Red Eyes probably would probably stream playing Dark Souls IRL and despite being p good at it would get stuck on one boss for hours and Blue Eyes would be his maybe roommate maybe something else, who knows, who would intervene before he gets mad enough to break the controller and beat it in maybe. 3 tries just so he can continue in the game. chat goes nuts for Blue Eyes

Post-game when Blue Eyes hangs up the ol control gauntlet and decides to try to live a mostly respectable life, she ends up reading a lot and eventually decides to try and write her own :)

and Red Eyes eventually turns out to be a pretty good exhibition battler (kinda like wrestling matches, predetermined but still showy and intense)

Red Eyes likes spicy food. Unfortunately for him he is not good at making food. He's not allowed to use the submarine stovetop anymore

Blue Eyes is transfemme (look at her uniform colors! baby you are not subtle and i love you for it), and because I'm choosing to believe the Pokeworld is the better timeline in which HRT something you can get like over the counter, she's been living her best life

POST-POSTING EDIT: blue eyes had a tentative truce with red eyes pre-pincher unification with whatever gangs they were running, i don't think hers was a poaching group though - maybe something about resources? - she developed those skills as a leader post-unification; they kinda became more equals when the societea n purple eyes made them an actual group

And also they both have a crush on Summer because Red Eyes is the kind of guy to be "I like the kind of woman that can kick my ass" even if he's a sore loser abt it lmao and also [REDACTED]. but he takes a few levels in kindness postgame so he holds out hope. and Summer's saved Blue Eyes several times so there's some complicated feelings there. But also Summer is very pretty and very nice and considerate when she's not a stressed out Ranger on duty. so.

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Purple Eyes AKA [REDACTED]: This guy. One of my favorites of all time. He's hilarious. Drama queen. Utterly self serving. Charismatic enough to know how to function like a normal person most of the time, he just… doesn't care to unless he's trying to get something he can't get with force. How did he get to this point

Because canon is my sandbox, I say: I don't think Purple Eyes went into this whole venture /wanting/ to do the whole "rule the world through fear" thing. I think that's a combo of 1) truly horrendous mental health 2) spite, based on a couple of different slights against him 3) Oblivia Ruins are cursed, haunted to hell and back, and definitely fucked with his perception of the world + himself + what he wants after spending so long trying to decipher the place, and just… never recovered. not that he had a lot chances we see in canon, since so much happens So Fast and bonus wifi missions are wobbly hand motion on the timeline, but for however long he lives after GS he's just. so fucked over in the head. him metaphorically kicking the dog by usurping Ed was mostly entirely due to absolute spite at being kicked at Mt Layuda. he didn't have a plan for ruling the world he just wanted to get payback against Ed and his least favorite Rangers in existence while he was at it

IDK MAN I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS. CONCEPTS. IT'S ALL IN A ROUGH STATE RN THO. just scrapped a whole 2 paragraphs bc i didn't vibe with it. so i'm not gonna say any more on this particular subject.

sorry my guy you're not the star of this very lengthy answer. ANYWAYS i'm torn between my desire to humanize all villains i deal with (because he's still very much a standard cartoon villain) VS desire to just see that guy go from 0 to 90 right from adolescence. stay tuned

HOWEVER he's definitely Sabios' descendant (from the past missions) and that's why the Golden Armor responded to him over Ed at the Sky Fortress. proof: share musical leitmotif, purple theme, evil second-in-commands, on the sky fortress he says something like "i did some research and learned something about the golden armor" which is never really expanded on so i think the implication was that the golden armor would choose him bc it remembers old blood

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SOCIETEA: I am gonna to limit this to Ed because he's the one I care to humanize the most and this whole thing started with him getting an idea. Altered character motivations and interpretations abound.

he hangs around a lot more with Summer n Ben than in canon, both because he's trying to get a feel for their progress, if they're a genuine threat to the Pinchers' progress, and also because they're not bad kids and he does want them to feel reassured that there are Adult adults in their corner. as untrue as it may be.

he's especially fond of Summer, he's definitely doing some grandfatherly projection. she reminds him of himself at a young age: restless, far more clever than she's allowed to be (for differing reasons), having experienced loss due to war (her parents; he lost an uncle and niece who followed in his footsteps as field medic), they both feel more jaded compared to their peers

you know how there's like fanon that there was a war before the games? like before of LT Surge's dialogue? there were a few wars. scattered across like a century or so, Pokeworld was in real bad shape

Ed's parents were rich Galaic folk, you know like old parliament lords that their families still hold places in the govt. and still have lots of old money? yeah he's from that kind of family. his father was an old military man turned politician. wanted ed to follow in his footsteps, ed wanted to go into medicine, they found an unwilling compromise when war broke out and he became a young field medic

eventually war he was involved in ends. father eventually dies. has the freedom to be a kleptomaniac to his heart's content across the world with his friends; focused on high profile art pieces, artifacts, expensive rare limited editions. tensions between regions erupt again, more war, acts as a philanthropist with money to help vets n whatnot. still socially runs in the old circles of politicians and whomever, isn't involved too much though

i'm getting tired so i'm gonna simplify the shit out of this and maybe come back to this later but basically: he and the rest of the gang have been doing some international-conspiracy shit for a decade or so and basically want to do the "last war to end all wars" kind of thing (because. i mean. regional tensions ARE picking up again at this point. nothing solid so far but things aren't are great as they could be) with no conflicting leaders so no more mass violence. except for these potential acts of mass violence. and the half sentient golden armor of course Does Not help with that thought process and is what leads to the destruction of Dolce Island

still definitely wants immortal life tho. war will fuck up your sense of life and death he's definitely got some problems that've been marinating for the past however-many years

he was never really liked purple eyes but was willing to employ him because he was efficient and finding half decent archaeologists who are willing to work for your evil schemes are rare in circles of villainy. but between him no longer really needing him once zapdos was located, disapproval of him kidnapping leanne and claiming he figured it out on his own, and disdain of him kidnapping leanne and nema (ed's not an evil evil guy and didn't have anything personal against rand & family), Ed was all too happy to kick him to the curb

[nextinline-if]

Hey, beautiful writing anon again, I apologize I don't usually send more than one message, as I don't like to impede on other people's time... But had a couple things to say to your response. Anyway, first orry for your loss, the past two years have been rough for me in that regard so I understand how you feel. Next no don't thank me and also no need to hope to keep the same level. I mean that's your baseline and it's only up from here so if anything, I'm interested to see where it goes 1/2

No need to apologize - I've been thinking about your last message all day because it really did mean a lot to me. I'm sorry for your loss as well. As humans we are always searching to be understood, but I certainly don't wish feelings like this on anyway. I really do hope things will start to improve for you. I know you're anonymous and I respect that but just wanted to say that if you ever need someone to listen, let me know.

Now, the second part of your message...well, you just blew me away again. I feel like I'm being very irritating because it probably comes across as false modesty or something but it's not my intention so I'm sorry for that. I've always been scared to share my writing with other people so all this support is really foreign and I'm just a naturally awkward person. I genuinely never believed that I could inspire another person. So, your message kind of just struck me. I hope one day, if you're ever comfortable sharing, I'll have an opportunity to see some of your writing.

When I studied abroad in the UK, I finished my short stories class with a 40 (which is barely passing) and I realized then that I probably should stay away from fiction. But...here I am.

So, I feel like I was unintentionally misleading now because I MEANT to say that I write creative non fiction. I only have one published creative non-fiction piece which is in my small state college's literary magazine.

And I have a few pieces I wrote for my senior project but that was in 2019 and I haven't actually written any true creative non-fiction pieces since 2019. I've mainly been working on poetry. Ah and all my pieces are pretty dark, about death, depression, etc. so not really stuff people want to read. My writing just stays in a file never to be seen again (like many writers, I assume). But I'm glad I get to share Next in Line.

Thank you immensely for your message. Really. Actually, you have inspired me to keep writing.

[somebody-in-this-world-who-lives]

You know, I've been reflecting on my anti drug thinking these past few years and goddamn it's a complicated thing. Even breaking down my own stance to see what I think and why is so much. To be clear I'm not about the blaming addicts rhetoric or something like that. I kind If just always hated for people to consume alcohol around me and that has extended for a very big aversion to the idea of taking any drug I dont need. This has been a big thing to think about with the idea of taking medication for my mental health related problems poping up every once in a while and being on uni now where drug usage is very comon on day to day. The ideia of social drug usage just makes my skin craw with How appealing It sounds and how much I dislike social situations in general. I guess I worry a lot about not being in control of myself or how medication might change who I am. Taking drugs could also be dangerous and I hate the idea of trusting other people to not harm me and have my best interests in mind. I already have too much going on health wise to add another thing to my list of descriptors that will make someone less sad in the future If I die. Also the side effects of anything scare me a lot as a health freak. Maybe there is also a sense of worth wrapped around the idea of meds for me. The "there is nothing wrong with me or how I act, and If there is I should be the one to try change that, not an artificial thing". The bad part of my autism discovery and being more open with my depressive tendencies is that things that I always associated with just my sense of self are now being treated like symptoms that I wont ever be like other people and be able to relate to them. That I havent got a clue what other's inner world is like and I will never know so take some meds because there is something permanently wrong with you. It just icks me out to try to change not some bad habits like forgeting sunscreen but things that have been a constant for all my life like my disfuncional ways of working or my romantic sadness.

While I have thoughts about magicing myself out of all my differences to live an easier life, I know this stuff is self loathing bull that can't happen and while I crave an easier life, all the things that make it dificult also make me me. I irritate myself but I also am the only person I trully know for sure and I don't want me to be lost because I wanted an easier time completing tasks in time. Plus I don't know how this stuff would make my depressive self disapear as much as It would compel me to not think about It. And that is terrifiing.

So yeah, pretty complicated stuff to work around, I think better while typing, but I can't really figure It all out in a writing section. If anyone has gone through a similar thing with medication and has some idea to trow, be my guest I guess.

[ndkdndkdjdkdjkddjdl]

// March 29, 2022 //

Fin: uhm,, Si is.. everything ok?

Siren: why?

Fin: idk you seem a bit bothered lately,,

Siren: uh- oh- i didn't think- ..

Fin: *tilts head a bit* Siren?

Siren: its fine i just- yeah im a bit bothered by something lately but i just-,.

Fin: oh? is everything ok-?

Siren: *nods head* its.. past stuff. i- ..its nothing serious

Fin: are you sure?

Siren: yes.

Fin: well if it's bothering you this much then it probably is serious-! wanna talk about it-?

Siren: no.

Fin: i- ok,, but-

Siren: i said no, so lets drop it.

Fin: why- but-

Siren: *a bit irritated* Fin.

Fin: ,,ok ok- im just worried is all..

Siren: thats sweet of you, but i dont want to talk about it.

Fin: you've seemed so down for weeks now Siren please,,

Siren: its fine.

Fin: i would but you seem even worse every day-!

Siren: it has nothing do to with you or anyone else, therefore, I'm not going to talk about it.

Fin: *quietly* that decision affected your health last time..

both of them: *silence*

Siren: ..you really want to talk about health right now?

Fin: i..

Siren: especially NOW of all times..?? in that case, you should be worrying about yourself. dont even try to be the one to mention "health".

Fin (a bit angrier): im,, well im sorry but its true-! i..i just want to look after you-

Siren: YOU should be looking after YOURSELF.

Fin: I- I didn't ask for attitude!! i just want to make sure you're ok-

Siren: there's no attitude, Fin. *sighs* yes, i see your concern, and i appreciate you checking up on me. i truly do! but i told you to drop it.

Fin: i- i-..

Siren: ..*sigh* listen. you can clearly tell that I've been in a horrible mood lately. now is not the time for you to be acting like this

Fin: a-"ACTING LIKE THIS"???

Siren: stop- just stop Fin.. please.

Fin: im not even- no wait, why are you shushing me?! this isn't even about that anymore, I just.. what did i do to make you so angry.?

Siren: nothing, just, please stop before it gets worse.

Fin: *calmer now* what? so you're gonna shush me instead of telling me..?

Siren: ..

Siren: ok fine. you really want to know?

Fin: well,, yes!.. i just want to-

Siren: its the fact that you never take NO for a fucking answer.

Fin: WHAT.

Siren: oh, dont act so surprised. half of the times, i have to shut you up myself.

Fin: I JUST- I let you help me all the time though..!! and i never want to talk either!

Siren: and i tell you about trauma that i dont want to speak about aswell, so we're even. the thing that's bothering me is different. so again! drop it

Fin: i..dont understand..

Siren: you dont have to.

Fin: ..listen. i hate seeing you this way, i just want-

Siren: no. no. we arnt doing this. im SICK of everyone acting like i cant feel down sometimes aswell.

Fin: this.. this isn't "down"!! this is straight up depressed-!! please can you just listen?!

Siren: *silence* .... *(angry) smile* Fin. i love you. i truly do.

but you're so FRUSTRATING!!

Fin: HOW DID I-

Siren: Just, just STOP already. you ARN'T HELPING. and in all honesty..

you're just making everything worse.

Fin: b-

Siren: stop talking.

Fin: *silence*

Siren: *sighs* *mumbles* fuckin finally.

Fin: ..ok no, im not going to just shut up

Siren: *glares at him*

// a few moments later//

Fin: *in Siren's arms passed out but unharmed*

Siren: ....im taking you home.

you should get some rest.

[khattikeri]

log 7.mar.22

sometimes i think about that one time in 7th grade or so when... okay before that, it had to do with my math teacher, who i absolutely hated and whose class i hated because my grades weren't as high as i wanted them to be and i was already starting to feel the effects of being a gifted kid has-been.

he was a skinny middle aged man involved with our school's jazz band, and based on all the jazz posters and paintings of trumpets and saxophones in his classroom and how bored and tired and irritable he was, i always figured he was the sort of person who hated his direction in life and wished he could've become a jazz musician instead of a middle school teacher.

he rolled his eyes often. he was the sort of grump who would take sadistic pleasure in making the whole class close our eyes so we could hear him crack open a soda can and drink from it while we were still waiting for school to end so we could have snacks. he still teaches math there, now that i check.

(this has nothing to do with my story, but i feel it's necessary to know.)

anyway, i hated this man.

so one day he said something to me-- snarking probably, maybe an insult, it's been almost a decade so i honestly don't remember anymore-- but whatever it was, it really affected me and the entire rest of the class period i was in this terrible mental spiral, spaced out and snapping a rubber band against my wrist wanting it to bleed and hurt more and trying really hard not to cry. and the bell rang for that class to end so i took my stuff and i left down the hallway.

and a few moments later someone touched my shoulder and got me to turn around. and it was that teacher, who had rushed out of the classroom and through a throng of sweaty middle schoolers just to reach me. and he looked harried, a little awkward, and in a weird sort of jumbled rush he said "hey. hey. i just wanted to say i'm sorry."

at the time most of what i felt was embarrassment, because his apology meant that he had noticed. he noticed how affected i had been by what he said. i said something equally awkward back-- probably quietly nodding or saying some variant of "oh, it's okay" or something. and he just nodded back, and said again that he just wanted to tell me that. and then he turned around and went back to his classroom.

up til that point and for every teacher i've had afterward i have never had a teacher, other than that man, apologize to me for something as seemingly inconsequential as hurting my feelings. i don't think in all 21 years of my life that either of my parents have ever apologized so sincerely for hurting my feelings with their words and actions.

this memory has been stuck in my mind the past few days, and i always end up crying whenever i dwell on it.

this was a man i absolutely loathed. i despised him and his stupid math class. this man who i couldn't have hated more noticed that he made me upset with some careless words and went out of his way to catch up to me after class during the passing period and tell me to me to my edgy, depressive 13-year-old braces-wearing face that he was sorry.

i don't remember what he even said to hurt me, but almost 10 years later i remember that he was sorry.

it hurts to think about.

[nicistrying]

Just a reminder that no one has visible abs or a flat stomach all day long! I noticed I was sucking in my belly a lot today so I went and stood in front of the mirror and let it relax and I actually smiled at my little tummy getting a break. And then I did a quick little workout before it got dark and I lost all my motivation to do anything physical lol.

Today has been nice - I played Animal Crossing while Matthew was doing uni work this morning, we had lunch together, he went to work and I went out for a nice long walk and called my sister. I also did some Christmas shopping online and budgeted for the next month just to make sure I'm going to be okay between paying rent, buying Christmas presents and dropping £200 on a spa day for my stepmam's 50th. I'm only panicking bc I'll be paying the full £400 and then waiting for my sister to send me her half.

Anyway in other news, I've concluded that I'm done with tracking calories. I gave it a good go this year since I got my Fitbit last Christmas and tbh it was quite helpful and interesting in some ways - I started actually weighing out the correct portions of cereals, pasta, nuts etc so I actually knew what a recommended portion was. However, I did notice, especially over the last few months, that I was getting stressed and irritable around meal times bc I was planning in my head exactly what i was going to eat and how much, I was checking my fitbit all the time to see what I'd burned, I was thinking about food all the damn time and starting to restrict myself and implement dumb rules like not having proper snacks with nutritional value that would satisfy me, and instead having lots of little things that add up to the same caloric value if not more, but they weren't nutritious or filling. I binged more and I was really self critical when I did, especially when that meant I ended the day in a surplus. Soooo I've concluded it's not for me. I stopped 3 days ago and I already feel so much more free, less restricted, less pressured, and I've freed up so much headspace that was taken up with thinking constantly about what I would eat next and counting calories in my head. These past few days I've eaten way better bc I've allowed myself to have bigger, more satisfying snacks that have some nutritional value rather than limiting myself to crackers and nuts and ending up bingeing. So back to intuitive eating for me! I hadn't tracked for about 5 years before this year and I stayed pretty much the same weight the whole time. I wasn't worried about food and I got good at listening to my body. So I'm happy to be going back to that bc I remember thinking last week that I could barely imagine not counting calories in my head and checking how many I'd burned all the time and that was just depressing. I became hyper aware of bloating and stuff too and any slight change made me terrified I was gaining weight and it felt like the world was ending and it was just horrible. I have gained a little weight but hasn't everyone this year? And who gives a shit? No one sees my belly other than Matthew and he cuddles it every night and tells me he loves it. So yeah if anyone else finds tracking calories depressing and stressful, I'd encourage you to take a week off and see how you feel!

*This was from yesterday but my internet has just now decided to post it lmao

[rottenbutrecovering]

Hello, I've been questioning whether or not I have BPD I've had unstable relationships for awhile now due to going from hating someone to loving them or becoming very attached to them like a Favorite person not only that but my emotions and mood tend to switch in one whole day and are intense I avoid people and this thing where I want them to leave me alone but not leave me alone so I isolate a lot. I was wondering what your experience is with BPD so I can get a better understanding of it.

I ofc cannot diagnose you, but what you’ve described are in line with how people experience BPD! 

What I’ll do is go through the diagnostic criteria (I’ll use the DSM-4 as it’s lead out more clearly, but here’s the DSM-5 criteria) and talk about how I experience each symptom. (Note: you need at least 5 of these symptoms)

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

For me, this typically involves begging a person to stay, lowering my standards and tolerating some real bullshit from people just so they stay, and being on constant lookout for any possible signs of being abandonment. These signs (which 99% of the time are meaningless but at the time feel very very real) can be as small as a sigh, or one less ! on a message

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

This is where splitting comes in. For me, I can see a person (mostly with me they are FPs or my partner) as perfect, flawless. Then they do something, often tiny, and my perception just flips and I just... hate them. It really sucks, because I often can tell I’m being irrational but I just get so filled with hate. And this can be as tiny as someone saying they don’t like a show I like. Luckily, with time and therapy, I’m now able to just take a step back when this happens and tell the person I need some time away from them, so I can avoid treating them badly.

I also very much experience this symptom towards myself - sometimes I adore myself (i’m gorgeous, smart), and sometimes I hate myself (i’m disgusting, worthless).

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Including what I said above, for me I just simply do not know what I’m like as a person. My aesthetic changes constantly, as do my goals. If you asked me how to describe myself, I simply wouldn’t know how. I force myself to do certain things simply because I think that’s what I would do, but honestly I’m not sure.

I typically pick an interest and obsess and invest in it deeply and define myself by it, and these change pretty often too.

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

 This is a symptom I personally don’t think I show. My GAD prevents me from doing basically anything impulsive. 

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

I get suicidal thoughts, and behave on those, often. It’s tiring. I also have self harmed in the past, but I’m proud to say I haven't for a while! 

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Mood swings are so TIRING. The smallest thing can swing my mood dramatically, every day, and it is exhausting. I can go from happy, to depressed, to excited, to anxious, to angry - all so easily and quickly. I am extremely sensitive.

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness

It’s hard to describe emptiness any clearer than just calling it feeling empty. It’s just... nothing. A go through periods where I don’t experience emotions and just feel blank. I often show surface level emotions during this time, but I don’t properly feel them.

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger 

I get angry/pissed off very easily, however it is not as extreme as many other with BPD have. It mostly results in snide comments and passive aggression. I’m bad at expressing my anger as due to my fear of abandonment and past abuse, I’m worried I will be left or punished for it. I typical turn that anger inwards towards myself, directing it towards self-blame and hatred.

The anger I feel is so deep rooted, it’s hard to explain. It takes over my whole body and it’s so, so intense.

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

The former part of this - paranoid ideation - is difficult as I have other disorders that make me super paranoid all the time. My paranoia does get worse during stress though.

I dissociate during times of extreme stress. I feel completely disconnected from my body, it takes me a lot longer to process stuff, and I feel numb. It’s hard to see myself in my own body during this.

I hope this helps you Nonnie! Although remember that this is just my personal experience with BPD - yours may be very different! 

[lokigodofaces]

more roommate stuff under the cut

1: Door Locking

So, we're still locking the door, sorta. If that one girl is gone, we don't bother, unless it's dark, no one is home, the only people home are asleep. The thing is, this is something we're much more willing to compromise on. Should I have to take my keys with me to grab the mail? No. But if we're going to compromise on something, it's probably going to be this. If anything, we might just lock it inconsistently, other when we have to. We'll see.

2: Dishes

All this week, we have only handwashed our dishes other than a few exceptions (I have a dish that has special handwashing instructions that takes like half an hour to follow, Ellie has something similar, we don't have time to wash one dish for that long). And it has driven me insane.

I mentioned in my first experiments post that they ran the dishwasher when it was half full, half of the dishes were cleaned in the last cycle, and there were plenty more dishes in the sink. This was at 3:30, most likely because of my dishwasher loading from the night before. Well, after that, it only went downhill.

There are always dishes in the sink. And always space in the dishwasher. It takes them two days to load the dishwasher half way and run it and two days to unload it. They never fully unload it and run clean dishes still. It's always pretty empty despite the several dishes in the sink. It drove Ellie and I insane. I grew up in a household of 8, she grew up in a household of 7. We know how to fill a dishwasher. Apparently these people don't.

The past couple of days, a few our our dishes ended up in the dishwasher from people putting them in. Normally we're good at doing our dishes as we use them. But she has had bad migraines, and I've had menstrual depression. We just do as many of our dishes as we can, but we've been focusing on midterms. Honestly, don't feel that bad that the others did, like, six of our dishes when I've done their dishes countless times.

Also, I find it funny and by funny I mean irritating that when Ellie or I put plates or whatever on the top rack, we're horrible people, but if someone puts a bunch of tiny cups on the bottom rack when there's plenty of space for them on the top rack and a bunch of large plates in the sink, no one bats an eye.

And no one has really put their dishes off of the drying mat, again. Ellie and I try to move our dishes off once or twice a day, or we dry the dishes ourselves depending on the time we have. The exception being when we both were so busy with midterms and had actual health issues we are still working through (because I don't mind if you don't do that sort of stuff sometimes if you have actual issues, that's understandable, my issue is that no one does this ever). I actually put a pan on the table on Monday, hoping someone would finally put their fricking pan away since it's been on the mat for a week. Still on the table today (Saturday). And someone decided today would be a good time to go and put everyone's dishes away on the drying mat. The issue being that they shove stuff where they think it goes. So I had to fix stuff this morning because they don't know how Ellie and I organize our dishes (though it seemed really obvious...similar cups go together...not that hard).

Ellie and I are going to be dogsitting for her parents tomorrow and Monday, so I have no idea what will happen at our apartment. Her parents live two minutes away, we could just come over to feed them every once in a while. But her parents said we could stay over and have free food while escaping roommates. Decision was quite easy. Hopefully nothing too bad happens while we're gone. I have some irrational fears...

Anyway, I think when we get back, I will start using the dishwasher again because I will go insane if they keep doing it like this. And I think I will only put in mine and Ellie's. If someone wants to put theirs in, great, don't care. Then I will run it eventually when it's full, or someone else may run it. It will still drive me insane, but oh well.

As for the drying mat issues, I think I might put people's dishes on the table if it's been on the mat for over a day. If it's more than one pan, might force people to do something about it. But I won't be putting them away for them. Ellie suggested that if they still do nothing, to put their dishes like on the couches or something. Because I'm not searching through their cupboards for where these dishes go, not if I hate it when they put my dishes away the wrong way.

3: The Fridge

As mentioned earlier, Ellie and I have really limited space in the fridge while everyone else is doing just fine. After midterms, I think I'm going to ask that we clean out the fridge. I don't think it's a bad idea. We've all lived here for a while, might not be a bad idea to clean the fridge out. And to make sure that Ellie and I have space, I will organize it. I think I am going to text everyone and say I want to reorganize the fridge and have time to do it myself. I'll ask them to mark their food. I keep masking tape and a sharpie on top of the fridge for me to mark my leftovers, they can use those. Just put their initials on their food, and use tape to indicate which part of the fridge you are using. And I will reorganize it.

Of course, they won't get exactly what they wish. I won't let them use two shelves and a drawer when it can fit on one shelf. And if they get mad, I'll point to the five by ten inches I could use for these 6-7 weeks.

4: Other Updates

So, it used to be that Ellie and I thought the others were upset at us for something. We could tell they were upset, they lied if we asked, we could hear one of them crying in their room frequently, and they treated us pretty crappy. With the one that is the worst about this, we're starting to wonder if she's actually upset with us or not.

She is in a class that is apparently very hard (Adobe Photoshop, Design, and Illustrator). Ellie also has this class and it has been so hard for her. We've seen her working on projects days after they were due, and she usually has cried around their due dates. Ellie asked her how she was doing with school in general and this girl pretty much yelled at her for asking. Clearly, she is having a hard time with school right now. We kind of thought there might be some sort of emotional issue she was going through, but now it's pretty much confirmed.

But that is no excuse for how she has acted. It is never okay to take out your pain on someone else. Ever. And I'm sorry that she is having a hard time. I have seen what that class is like. And the professor kinda sucks (not following my roommate's accommodations, never replying to emails, etc). But never once has Ellie taken that pain out on someone else. The most she'll do is be mad at her laptop (because that's been her problem for lots of it: her laptop not working), but her laptop is not a person. I don't think there's a problem with her swearing at her laptop occasionally. She also tries not to do that while I'm with her, because it isn't pleasant to hear someone swear at a laptop, and she apologizes if I ever hear it. She doesn't yell at anyone for how they load the dishwasher or scream about how much she hates everyone while she's alone in her room. Because she has basic emotional maturity.

As for other updates, we have considered asking to be moved to another apartment. We dread walking in every day because of how crappy people are to us here. But we want to stick together, so we don't want to have to be split up. But also we aren't sure if it's been bad enough to warrant switching apartments. But we are going a little insane here. And it's not like we're uptight. If you looked at our room, you would see we aren't uptight. But all we ask is that 1) we have space in the cupboards, pantry, fridge, freezer, and vanity, 2) we have basic cleanliness in the shared spaces, primarily people putting their dishes away and doing their part in cleaning them, 3) they don't use our stuff without permission, and 4) they aren't jerks to us. Like those are the minimum requirements. How can they not meet these requests! They're basic to functioning as people! We are both very chill people, we just have basic common sense, boundaries, and emotional maturity, unlike the others here.

[chooserecovery]

I've been in counseling for several years. The progress in my life has been more than I would have ever imagined. I still shows signs of PTSD but I function without it having a major impact on my daily functioning. Both my depression and anxiety are managed now. Where I am stuck is self-hatred. Any advice on how to truly let go. I recently relapsed with self harm & pills. I don't think it was because depression, it was because I hate myself. I've tried to work on this. I don't know what to do.

If you are still in counseling and you haven’t done so already, then bringing this up with your counselor may be a good idea; self-hatred often seems to come along with PTSD, anxiety, and depression, so there’s a good chance that if your counselor works with people who have those things, they may be able to help you work through this as well.

I know that you’ve said that you have tried to work on the self-hatred, but I don’t know you or what you have done to deal with it, so, because I’m trying to hit the basics, I’ll probably say things that you’ve already tried, but hopefully there will something in here that you haven’t.

Because working takes time and the changes are very gradual, people often don’t notice the progress that they’re making as it’s happening. For some people, it can can help to keep track of little achievements throughout the process. If you’re the type of person who likes gratitude journals, that type of thing can work for this. Or you could just have a notebook or an online writing area or whatever where you just throw in little analyses of things when they happen, such as “tried to contradict a self-loathing thought this afternoon. Felt slightly less stupid this time than it did last week.” It’s just meant to be a place where you can reflect on what you feel, and have a record of your progress that you can look back on when you start feeling discouraged. It can be whatever that looks like to you.

For a lot of people, a large part of self-hatred is the automatic mean thoughts that pop up, either when you feel like you’ve done something wrong or sometimes just because your brain felt like making noise at you. I like to call this jerk-brain. There are a couple of major strategies for dealing with this:

1. Contradict the thought

When self-hating thoughts pop up, argue against them. For example, if you’ve made a small mistake and your brain jumps to saying that you’re a failure or that you always mess things up, point out that it is just one mistake and that it doesn’t reflect on the rest of your life, think of things that you can do well or times you have done that specific task well, if it’s something that you’re new to doing then point out that you’re still learning, etc. 

The self-hatred is almost always some sort of distorted thinking, so trying to fight against it can help you to see the situation and yourself more clearly.

2. Offer yourself understanding

Perhaps the most commonly known strategy. A lot of people who struggle with self-hatred hold themselves to unreasonably high standards, so anything that they do seems wrong. A lot of learning to get past it is to extend to yourself the same feelings that you would probably give to anyone else. 

For example, it’s easy, when you hate yourself, to focus on all of the things that you think are wrong with yourself, or how you could have done better if you just were a little better. But usually, it’s over things that the average person probably wouldn’t be judging someone else for. It can help to imagine someone, such as a close friend, and what you would say to them in the same situation. Again, trying to imagine someone else in the situation can help you to see if you’re just being biased against yourself and treating yourself too harshly. Try to talk to yourself the same way that you would talk to a friend in a similar situation.

3. replace the thought

If your brain likes to throw out the same phrase as a reaction to things, then it can be helpful to pick out a different phrase that you’d rather your brain use and try to switch your brain over to using that one instead. For example, my brain used to habitually throw out “I ruin everything” at the slightest mistake. Not helpful. So I would try to notice when I thought that, and then correct it to “okay, how can I improve this?” which would let me look for a solution rather than just leading me into a guilt spiral. 

It can be hard to jump straight from a jerk-brain thought to what many would consider an obnoxiously positive thought, so it can help to take this in stages, gradually making the new phrase be more useful to you until you are satisfied with it. For example, I replaced “I just want to [insert self destructive thought of choice here]” with “I’m just tired, I want a nap,” which was easier to convince myself of than something more productive; over time I got the nap to be the default, and from there it was easier to hand my brain more and more helpful phrases instead, because they didn’t feel as fake as they did with the original self-hatred phrases. 

4. Reframe the thought

The other suggestions work well for individual actions and situations generally, but this one works more on specific traits that you dislike. It’s also particularly well suited to body-related hatred, but can apply more generally to any stable thing that you dislike. 

Basically, you just try to shift to thinking of the positives of the thing instead of the negatives. For example, if you tend to think of yourself as being too loud, you can try to mentally reframe it as being outspoken or outgoing; try to find a positive spin on whatever it is. 

That’s not to say that you can’t try to change a behavior if you feel that it is really causing problems for you. But even then, the point is not to completely get rid of a trait so much as find a middle ground where you can do things without it interfering with your life.

Also, I’d recommend checking out this page. There are some pretty useful suggestions for dealing with self-hatred.

You can use any or all of the suggestions above, depending on what the situation requires. But all of them tend to rely on you noticing when the jerk-brain thoughts pop into your head. If you already do usually take notice, great, that part is already taken care of. However, if you tend not to notice what you’re thinking until you’re already a good way into the hate-spiral, then it can be hard to interact with the thoughts as they appear. It may help to practice mindfulness techniques. If you want more specific instructions, you can find a lot just by Googling. But more generally, it’s the practice of actively paying attention to your thoughts. The goal isn’t to judge them or to force yourself to not think of things, just to see them and how they’re making you feel. After you’ve got a handle on that, you can intervene as you see fit, by implementing any of the above, redirecting your thoughts, or finding something to distract yourself. 

Self-hating thoughts, like most negative thoughts, also often seem to get worse when someone is stressed or otherwise not feeling as well as they could. So, in order to make them less frequent or at least slightly easier to manage, it can help to just make time for general self-care stuff. Make sure that you have a chance to spend a few minutes doing something that you enjoy every day, and that you’re doing all the basic body-maintenance things like  getting enough sleep if at all possible (if you have a crazy schedule, I know that sometimes it’s not), and getting enough food and water to keep your body running properly. You can also check out this flow-chart if you’re not feeling great and want something to walk you through some options on what to do next.

Mostly, just try to treat yourself like a person and not like a burden. You’re allowed to make mistakes, you’re allowed to take care of yourself, and you’re allowed to say “no, I don’t deserve to be treated this way” even when it’s just your brain saying things at you. It can be hard to try to do that when you don’t like yourself, but, like most things, it tends to get easier the more that you work on it. Some days you’re going to not feel like doing anything about what your’e feeling because you’re too tired or too irritated or just flat-out don’t want to. Everyone has some days like that. But if you can do your best to work against those thoughts whenever you’re able to, then you should be able to make progress, even if it’s just a little bit at a time.

--Luke

[elizabethrobertajones]

If you feel like it, I'd be interested in your opinion.... personally I'm getting really tired and hopeless about the way Dean gets angry, blaming and aggressive towards Cas and Sam.... yes, he's worried, he feels abandoned or betrayed - but I feel like I've been making excuses for him for so long.... IDK if it's out of character, it seems so so different from past characterization, where I feel it was more understanding and came with more sweetness and care.... am I wrong?

Answering this properly would probably take an entire walk through Dean’s life history, along with rewatching everything just to form an opinion… Bearing in mind you’re asking someone who would still default to being a Dean girl if I had to pick, even though I think those categories are monstrously unfair to my TFW-loving heart :P

I do think each successive trauma Dean’s had since season 2 has each time made him more depressed, angry and withdrawn, which is the root cause of all this (as usual, start with blaming John when discussing Dean’s personality defects :P) 

He also is usually right about things and has a moral high ground even when the show is making him a demon, so that can’t help :P He’s positioned as the emotional POV and moral centre of the story, and as Mittens keeps calling him, a human lie detector, and that puts him in a LOT of situations where he has to protect his family, or their lies and betrayal and losses all are about his reaction. 

(It’s this that makes me think he has a lawful good D&D alignment, mostly because these are extremely irritating traits in a character if not done right, and clearly irritate people about Dean when he rubs them the wrong way, and like… yeah, it’s a gut feeling about how irritatingly right he is but that’s essentially why. :P)

But yeah, he’s very sympathetic to me without me having to try and these same actions don’t feel that way to me because I’m clinging to Dean and sobbing about how miserable he is, and have been for pretty much my entire adult life >.> Oops. 

I understand though, because it was partially this that made me really fall out of love with him over season 10 (also how gross he was being) and it took a big rewatch intentionally reminding myself of Dean being sweeter that helped ease me back in. I was more concerned about falling back in love with Sam after season 10 though, because Dean not being Mark of Cain Dean was all I needed to like him again. And in season 11, that also was true - without the Mark I found that he was much easier to get on with emotionally, and I was thankfully ready to like him again after watching a great deal of the show over again to remind myself. 

I think he has changed though since then, and in many ways positively, but also he has in a weird way developed ahead of Sam and Cas in positive development but since he hasn’t in other ways, he’s getting narky with them from his IMPROVED moral high ground and they’re not meeting his standards of new character growth and he’s not like, perfect, so he gets snappy with them. :P 

The show ALWAYS give him a moral high ground though - even when he was demon!Dean. In this episode’s case, Cas is gonna steal the Colt and IS acting shifty, and in a way it’s totally Dean’s right to call him out if he knew this, but he just has a gut feeling something’s shifty and is pre-angry about what he’s angry about later in the episode, so he seems not to change, in a way, being angry about Cas for one thing then the other, but really he’s been angry about the same thing all episode, only getting more clarity on WHY and what Cas did later. 

I’m not saying he was right to act the way he did, especially on making Cas feel unwelcome immediately (it reminded me of him lashing out in 8x22 and that really hurts my heart as it was coming from the same place but now 4 years ago - Cas made off with the angel tablet to protect Dean in the abstract (and protect the tablet from Dean because again he was being kind of controlled by it in a way where it messed with his basic programming), instead of sticking with him and them risking all the trouble together as a team)… but between his worry and his suspicion, he tried to call Cas out about it because - and he knows he does this but I guess can’t help himself in the moment - he reverts to anger when he’s worried, and Cas is really really worrying him. Explaining he does it but then carries on doing it doesn’t mean he CAN all the time and ideally he’d try and talk it out before storming off or lashing out, but this is where we are >.> 

But yeah, he does this same thing way back… I can’t think of smaller examples though there’s bound to be some because right from the start he and Sam grated on each other but Dean’s secret in season 1 was he was just so scared for his family and wanted to put it all back together and not be alone and to protect them all - that’s the darkest thing Dean discovers in season 1, how much he’d do to protect his family. So this is still playing off a core trait that was Dean’s darkness in season ONE. But in practice back then that looks like constantly pissing Sam off to the verge of leaving to find John on his own half the time :P 

In 4x04 Dean has a chance for a huge sanctimonious narrative-will-prove-him-right argument with Sam at the start when he finds out he’s still been working with Ruby… He really lets Sam have it but he IS right and his approach really didn’t help anything especially as Ruby WANTED a rift between them, and Dean digs himself a great big hole over, like, everything… Same could be said for Cas, once he’s in the family bracket for sure, with 6x20 and everything Dean says there, especially as Cas going to Dean doesn’t actually seem like it could have helped all that much in averting Apocalypse 2.0 except for dying in the moral high ground together as family, so, yay :P In 4x21 Dean also says he’d rather Sam dies human and is technically right, with the narrative again, that Sam shouldn’t have been drinking more demon blood, or that they should use him as a weapon for the greater good, or let him go kill Lilith, since what seems like the ideal end goal is just how Lucifer gets free and causes even greater evil. (He also yells at and hits Cas in 4x22 but idk if Dean is even sure they’re friends yet until 5x01 when he definitely calls Cas his friend, although of course it IS the same type of argument where Dean is right, knows he’s being lied to and manipulated, and is pissed off and terrified.)

So anyway in show terms it’s old as dirt (aka anything that happened in Kripke era) and Dean’s always been angry-concerned and it’s so much a part of his character it doesn’t bother me in a way, even if I think he should change long term and not yell at and upset his family like that, it doesn’t upset or grind me down. 

I can see how season 10 could break you on that point though because it NEARLY did me, and kind of did for a little while (like… a couple of weeks. Which is a very long time to not like Dean in my personal timeline :P) - these days Dean is comparatively happier and in a better place than he was in season 10 and so every day he’s not Mark of Cain Dean is a little victory to me, and his behaviour and treatment of his family is accordingly more balanced and mature than it obviously would have been then, but I also think he has been working hard on trying to talk things out and addressing feelings. 

So in 12x19 he yells at Cas in one scene, but when Cas comes to talk to him again, Dean is open and calmer. He only gets angry again later when Cas betrays his trust, and I think that would be in part BECAUSE he opened up so much to Cas so it’s not just a general trust, it was a “I thought we were working on things and communicating better” trust of the immediate conversation he’d just had with Cas. I think he HAS been more well-rounded with emotional stuff and trying to get it right and not fuck up like he has in the past since season 11, and he genuinely had character development over that season that’s been very obviously applied THIS season. But he’s not magically become someone else other than Dean, and this is a core reaction for him and a core character trait when WRITING him, so it’s going to be a slow process to demolish it even though he’s addressed back in 12x10 that he does it and he knows it can be harsh, especially when he only really means to show his concern. 

I definitely don’t think it’s a thing to be hopeless about, especially when the story called Dean out for doing it - it’s called him out a few times over stuff, like in 11x23 making him say he put Sam and his own troubles ahead of everything including Cas, as well as 12x10 and apologising to Cas that he is too harsh because he’s concerned, not angry. Having Dean express these things out loud is not just Dean running his mouth, it’s dialogue that’s put in for the reason of SHOWING they know he has character flaws, and Dean genuinely has been trying to be aware he does it and to make up for it when he does. He can’t say, this time, that he forgot about Cas, because rather than wait for the ominous news, like it took until “Dean, that’s not Cas!!” for him to express more than passing concern, as soon as Cas stops picking up, Dean starts bombarding his phone and searching to see if he turned up dead in a ditch. He even got concerned and annoyed when Cas was working with Crowley at the start of the season and was keeping a grumpy eye on that scenario. He knew something was up before it even was this episode, and he might not have approached it well because he’s working on “concerned not angry”, but forgetting Cas is something he never wants to do again and the wake up call about it with Casifer has clearly had a profound effect on how he behaves about Cas - again it might seem like he’s being over-concerned and it might even be controlling behaviour but the narrative is determined to prove him right, and he has a strong basis for his gut feeling, because his gut feeling is very very accurate in many cases. 

But it has been 12 years and change is slow, so I can see why and understand it might not feel like enough, or that he’s getting worse… I don’t think you’d be wrong for thinking it, even if I don’t see it that way, because it’s so subtle and usually only shows up as positive development BY showing us the negative side of his behaviour so seeming to reinforce that it’s still there while we’re waiting for the change, and if you start to feel like you’re apologising rather than seeing those excuses as explanations for change, because it keeps on coming without seeming to change to you… It’s just a viewpoint and interpretation and  especially while we don’t have any big pay off, all it really is is that I have a more positive interpretation that’s making me much happier about where Dean is and how the show’s treating him that makes me really chill to see him angry at his family.

I think the point is that it feels to me at the moment that it IS in focus and they’re addressing it, we get MORE scenarios where this sort of thing happens because Dean is being tested on his character development over and over again - like how he had to deal with consecutive discoveries in only a few episodes of Mary and Sam and Cas working with the BMoL and then Heaven. Did he handle them perfectly? No, but he showed his development in different ways each time by expressing how he feels, or trying to go along with things instead of falling out, or to try and bridge gaps after falling out, and it shows each time that Dean is a work in progress and they’re slowly affecting him and helping him to grow as a person. But it means lots of scenes where Dean is pissy with the people around him, and falling into the traits the show feels like addressing, which is maybe why you’re now seeing them a lot and getting upset by it and thinking he’s never changed. They might not HAVE a moment where anyone ever points out he’s actually changed, and it becomes something that’s changed in him by omission that we don’t see it again after a while, and we have to remember he used to be this way.

I feel like a lot of his change, at least escalating to the Mark of Cain stuff, has been for the worse (as in, like I said, making him more and more depressed and angry and withdrawn), season 5 aside (season 5 fixed him and Sam somewhat before they unravelled the sweater again for another take at it all :P) and only in season 11 does he start getting positive character development, so we’re also in the middle of Dean’s positive change, and the show has all the time in the world, with a season 13 waiting and all these promises of it ends when we want it to end, that they don’t have to rush it, frustrating as that may be while WE wait for pay off on any of these long character arcs.

As an example of a finished one, though, Sam also has had lasting character development that had a profound change on the way he reacts/is written between season 5-7, and part of why he’s now more of a peaceful mediator in these things (although tending towards being too passive sometimes, and obviously has a lot of work he still needs doing especially as he still knee-jerk over-corrects and bottles things up) but in season 7 he really genuinely seemed to have grown and become more zen and peaceful with himself, and loses a LOT of his anger and over-confidence (… to the point of lack of confidence, which is where season 8 onwards escalated it >.>) which is a process he’s been on since season 5 but becomes more and more obvious through that chunk of the show, until Carver era starts messing with him badly, in a way where he also accumulates more trauma and changes his behaviour notably and over an extended period of time with lasting effects away from that and into seriously messing him up - but from a baseline of the zen Sam who emerged in season 5, not the angry Sam from season 1-4. 

We see them on screen so much sometimes you need a rewatch and to watch them evolve as if you hit the fast forward button on their lives, because going a season at a time and not looking back, it’s hard to keep a picture of how they were and how they’ve changed in our minds, especially when some behavioural changes are quite organic or not called out until they’re a long way down the line… It takes the start of season 7 to change and grow before Dean and Bobby start giving him “who are you and what have you done with Sam” faces as they realise, and tbh I only really noticed that after a rewatch where I already knew Dean and Bobby had called it out in the middle of season 7, to really appreciate this arc where Sam changes in season 5, 6 and 7…

… I think that is about as concise as I can get my very lengthy opinion, having deleted large tangents which probably were 3 times the length of this, all added up XD