#IM SOOO SICK TODAY IM ALLOWED THIS ONCE

[goatpaste]

im not one to think of headcanon heights, voices, ect or whatever

but i do know in my heart that Hot Pants HAS to be the tallest one in the SBR cast. She/He who towers over everyone else...

[celestie0]

hi, love! how are you today? are you doing well? is work treating you good?

i hope you are doing well! flowers 💐 for my favourite girlie ✨

also have you got any tips for new writers? like i’ve been tryna write this fanfic but i cannot really understand how to keep it flowing without forcing it out, and i’m hoping you can help us out. its absolutely fine if you’re busy or cannot for any reason. no pressure truly🥹

🫶💌

hellooo i’m doing well thank you 🥺💕 work is well i just got home, its rainy where i live so i made some hot cocoa and im just in bed now. i hope you’re feeling better i know you said you were sick <3 🌤️🌤️ some sunshine for you!

ohhh to be asked for writers tips is so flattering! i tried to think of my top few, and i have them below the read line :”) hope they help in some way and if you do end up posting your works don’t hesitate to tag me i would love to read them <3

my writing tips ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

dialogue. this one is toughhh bc i feel like a lot can ride on dialogue. my biggest tip for dialogue would be to just write all of your dialogue for a scene completely stripped down. none of the “he says” & “she says” or action verbs inbetween, just write it all out like it was a simple text convo w quotation marks. that way the words will sound realistic because you’re only picturing a convo in your head, rather than also trying to juggle all the descriptive prose. after you’ve got the dialogue, then you can go back in to fluff things up. if it’s meant to be comedic or a fast-paced argument, i think keeping it relatively stripped down is the way to go, but if it’s something intense or suspenseful then fluffing it up may be the better choice. also, i find dialogue becomes easier the more you write for a specific character, so if it’s not flowing right away, don’t worry!! their words will find you eventually once you get to know the character better :)

on choosing conflicts. this can be harddd because sometimes you just want the story to exist in happy land haha. but just like you said so beautifully in the sweet kickoff ch8 review you gave me, characters won’t always act perfect, but i think a great way to make conflict seem realistic is for them to act in character but with flaws, rather than just randomly out of character with flaws. maybe make a list of what that character’s good qualities and how those qualities could also work against them, and use the latter to brainstorm realistic conflict that those qualities could put them in (ex: a character is self-sufficient, but that causes them to rely on ppl less when they need it -> they fail to reach out for help in timely manners and leads to mistakes/regrets)

pacing. the biggessstt most important thing in my opinion for writing i believe is nailing the pacing. especially for fanfiction where people may be more interested in specific niche scenes rather than all of the stuff built around it. when starting off a story, don’t be afraid to just jump straight into it! or jump straight into the dialogue and then build the scene gradually as it progresses, rather than [gigantic block of text in beginning of scene that reader must drag their eyes through] and then get to the dialogue (im sooo bad w this myself lmao i fluff things up too much). in a world where attention spans are decreasing (rip), a lot of the times less is more. make sure the pacing fits the scene (romantic -> longer paragraphs more focused on subtle details, comical -> short paragraphs w simple n relatable diction, etc)

creating characters. with fanfiction this can be easy since you already have fleshed out characters from shows/books to work off of, but a good way to characterize is to just include little details that give them personality! not only is it a way to allow the reader to resonate with the character, but also it gives other characters in the story an opportunity to notice those lil quirks and create bonds over them as well. i just picture my friends or family in my head, the things i love about them, and incorporate it (i know nothing about film photography but my friend is a film major n thats where i got the idea for mc in kickoff)

for tone and mood. i think to get words flowing for different scenes, it can be really useful to get into the environment of those scenes while you’re writing, such as listening to a song that fits the vibe of the scene prior to/during writing (i blasted tgif by katy perry while writing the party scenes in ch6 of kickoff lol), or if its a scene at night, write it w the lights off, or watch a youtube vid w scenery that matches. may sound silly, but it could help! if i write something angsty in a really bright sunshine environment it’s hard for me to get the words

read more. this is sort of a miscellaneous one but a good way to subconsciously get better at writing is to just read more! your brain kinda learns how to write on its own when you read. also, when i’m reading, if i see words i really like i jot them down in my notes app so i have my own lil vocabulary of words that i know i would like to use in my writing

on writing insecurities. be proud of your writing!! your first draft does NOT have to be perfect. some days the words will flow, but on some they won’t, and that’s okay. don’t get too into your head about “i wonder what readers will think of this plot point or this character action” etc, i think having faith in your own process but also in your readers will bring you a lot of peace as you write :) create what you want to create and the rest will follow!! when i first started posting kickoff i was overthinking sooo many things that ended up being received just fine by readers in the end, so just stick to your plan 🫶🏼💕

use chatgpt. looool ai can be useful in writing too! i usually only use it after i'm completed with a draft, and i just plug select paragraphs into it to see if it can come up with some better words for me to use. it's also useful to come up with logistical details for aspects of your stories for world-building etc (no clue anything ab professional collegiate soccer games i've never been to one but i used chatgpt to come up with the scenes)

woooow i wrote way more than i thought i would haha but i hope this helps!! ive never given tips before so idk if these only make sense to me 💀 but hopefully they can be applied to what you’re looking to write as well :)

[tokusaatsus]

Can you write a drabble or scenario of Keito and his s/o going out on a date, but suddenly their date got interrupted by the rain? Keito feels irritated since date aren't that frequent due to his busy schedule, but then his s/o came up with an idea, "Let's play in the rain, Keito!" and before Keito gets the chance to answer them, they already jumped into the rain! Keito was hesitant at first cause he don't want to risk of being sick but seeing his s/o being so giddy and happy.. How he couldn't resist that smile? He ended up playing in the rain with his s/o. (Bonus point if the ending is Keito the ones who's getting sick and his s/o is still healthy).

☆—HASUMI KEITO

“Kei-kun!” 

You’re grinning from where you stand, framed by the entrance to Café Cinnamon. You’ve dressed up for this special occasion by wearing the nicest casual clothes you own, and you fidget awkwardly with your hair as you wait for the green-haired boy to approach you.

“Sorry. I hope I didn’t keep you waiting?” Keito says apologetically. You wave him off, it’s fine, I know you’re busy. “You look…” He swallows, uncharacteristically nervous. “You look beautiful. Apologies, you always look beautiful, I just meant that…” Shut the fuck up, brain, he wills himself to stop talking because no matter how many outings (dates!) you go on, he will never get used to how lovely you look and all he’s able to do is run his mouth like a fool and pray he doesn’t embarrass himself more than he already has.

You giggle, a slight flush on your cheeks. “You’re sweet…you look great too.”

Somehow, he manages a polite smile and offers you his hand. “Shall we?”

“Mm. I forgot to ask,” You say as you casually link your fingers together. Keito feels his brain short-circuit at the contact. “But what are we doing today?”

“Ah…” Keito hums. “I was thinking we could go eat…perhaps at Café Cinnamon?”

“Ooh, that sounds fun!” You swing your interlocked hands aimlessly.

The rumble of thunder sounds in the distance.

You’re halfway from the Café when a drop of rain falls and hits your nose. More droplets follow soon after. The rain is cool where it meets your skin, and you tip your head back, arms outstretched, to allow it to wash over you. A hand wraps around your own and  you’re hurriedly dragged into the shade of the trees. “Kei-kun!?”

“You should be careful, you might get sick.” Keito scolds as he pushes your sopping wet hair out of your face. Stupid of him, to have not accounted for the weather. His mood plummets slightly. Now this outing may very well be ruined…

“It’s fun though!” You smile, trying to cheer him up. “Come on, I don’t get sick easily.” You wheedle as you skip backwards, letting rivulets of water cascade down your skin in trails that look a little too much like tear tracks for Keito’s liking. “You know you want to~”

Keito sighs. Your eyes are sparkling as you splash around in the puddles underfoot and you look so ethereal in your happiness, surrounded by a gauzy veil of rain. Who is he to deny you this one thing? What kind of monster would be able to resist you when you look like this? “Alright…but just this once.”

The sight of Hasumi Keito, StuCo VP and leader of AKATSUKI hopping awkwardly in the rain is too cute and you laugh teasingly as you link your hands with his. “Don’t look so scared~” You spin him around in circles. “It’s just a little water.”

“Hmph.” Despite his huffy demeanour, a small smile forms on his face as he witnesses your infectious joy. Beautiful.

OMAKE:

“Kei-kun, what’s wrong?” Staring at the cocoon of blankets that you think may be the green-haired boy as watery, red-rimmed eyes peer out at you from inside the nest. You hear an indignant cough-sneeze. “Aw…are you sick?”

A pouty glare. “How are you not? You were in the rain for longer and you weren’t wearing sufficient protection! A-a-achoo!”

Oh, he’s really too cute! You laugh. “I told you, I don’t get sick easy. Don’t worry, though! I’ll take care of you~”

“Hmph!”

☆—notes!

WC: 500 words

this is. sooo late im sooooo sorry pls forgive me im on my kneES OTL OTL forgive me anonnie cries. and this promt was suuuper cute too? playing in the rain with a friend or lover >>> anyways. um. i hc keito as an awkward bitch when it comes to interpersonal relationships. enjoy? mwah mwah <3

[marvelsangels]

"I Love You Please Don't Go"

(prompt from @hellsdemonictrinity)

Pairing: Peter Parker/Reader

Warning: Angst

Summary: You knew, you've known for awhile, but you let him, cause you love him you really do, and you're crazy enough to let your heart break more than it already is.

"Heyy babyy how was your dayy" Jumping on his bed where he sat holding his phone.

"It was uh, it was good i have tons of homework to do tho so i should start on it early" He replied half assed without even looking up at you.

He was doing it again, pushing you away, giving you excuses. You knew he wasn't seeing her, MJ was not an asshole, she would never see peter while peter was with you. She just wasn't like that. So no she wasn't the problem. Peter was.

Peter liked her, maybe even more? who knows? He started giving her heart eyes 4 months ago. 4 months of him still saying he loves you. 4 months like he hasn't been looking at another woman like how he would look at you. 4 months of him lying to your face when you knew the truth.

No you weren't "assuming" anything. You found out. How? Well Peter has a habit or writing down how he feels on a piece of paper and then quickly throwing it away. As if to confirm he was actually feeling it, and not just thinking about it.

You didn't mean to read it it was private and you respected that. But he left it un crampled on the floor when he was in a hurry, and asked you to help clean his room.

i like MJ, maybe even more.

He didn't even write down how you would feel in all of this. How broken hearted you'd be if you found out. He wasn't even scared.

He didn't care. Not anymore.

"Sooo can we hang out first? I haven't seen you in a while you've been really busy" Fighting to keep a smile you could almost feel the tears starting to spill.

Pushing his shoulders. "C'mon peteee"

"No I'm busy maybe tomorrow?" Still not looking up at you from his phone.

At this point you were crying while still holding a smile on your face. "Aww thats too bad then, uhm I'll leave you to it yeah?" Quickly wiping away your tears with your sleeves you got up and headed for the door.

"I'll see you, love you."

"I love you too Peter."

Closing his door and quickly making a beeline for the exit, you didn't want Aunt May to see you like this. You were stronger than that. Right?

Pressing the button on the elevator and waiting for it to come up, you couldn't help but think what you did wrong, was it you? It had to be. Peter wasn't like that no. He would never fall out of love just like that right? Maybe he got sick of you just waiting around for him and being all clingy. But he told you he loved that.

Not even noticing the elevator doors are already open until you heard your name, looking up you saw Ned.

"Oh hey Ned"

"Hey are you okay Y/n? why are you crying?" Reaching out to place a comforting hand on your shoulder.

You didn't even notice you were crying so lost in your thoughts. You quickly wipe it away with your sleeves and give him the biggest smile you could muster.

"I just remembered this one movie scene. Ya know from Marley and me? ahaha! almost killed me." The tears still keep falling, it's getting harder and harder to lie.

"Y/n-"

"I have to go home Ned. I'll see you in class"

You saw it in his eyes. The guilt. Ned knew. And he was also lying to you.

Making it back home you went straight to your room, not wanting anybody looking at you like you're some kind charity who needs all the pity she could get. No you wont allow it.

Taking deep breaths, you saw a note taped to your vanity.

Hey hunny your dad and i went out to buy some dinner so he has something else to do other than playing with his robot thingys. Be back by 7 Love you, make sure to freshen up.

Smiling to yourself, at least you had your parents knowing they would always have your back.

Stepping out of the shower in fresh sweatpants and tank top you decided to head for the kitchen to make yourself some coffee and sitting on the island was another note.

Check if Morgan is still asleep.

Making your coffee quicker than you intended to you slowly opened her door to check if was still sleeping but instead of that you saw her playing with her ipad. Closing the door again and opening it dramatically this time. "Peanut you awakeee" slipping beside her on the bed and resting on your side. "Guess im gonna have to swallow all these jelly beans by myself."

"Noooooo" She giggled throwing her arms up your neck and resting on top of you. "Wheres it"

"Inside the chiller sweet pots, but im not giving you any until after dinner." Rubbing up her sides and pushing her hair beside her ear. "You know Y/N/N loves you right?"

"Oofcus i doo" Burying her face in your neck. "You mkay? Haven't seen spider in awhile" God how does a 6 year old know these kinds of things.

"Yeah im okay sweet pea, and he's been busy. Now come come lets go in the kitchen Mom and Dad are about to come home with dinner." Picking her up with you she couldn't help the giggles that escaped her tiny mouth. "Y/N/N!! dont drop meee"

Sitting around with your family felt normal, that is until your dad started asking questions.

"So how are you and Peter doing? Haven't seen the kid without a suit on. College that hard?"

Staying still and thinking of a smart reply, you came up with nothing knowing if you lied he would know instantly.

"College is hard daddy."

After dinner you quietly slipped out of your seat and made your way to your room. Staring out in the sky you thought of all the things you could've done that made peter fall out of love with you. You came up with nothing. Or were you that insensitive that you didn't know if you were hurting him? You're slowly falling apart. The confusion, the anger, the shame, the jealousy you felt it all and yet all you did was smile and say over and over that you were okay.

You weren't.

It was valentines day today.

Standing inside his messy room while he was seated on his desk writing something down on a piece of paper and beside it was a gift bag.

Deciding to take a peek and tease him to lighten up the mood and see what he got you, but once you did what you saw only broke your heart even more. He was writing it for MJ. The gift was for MJ.

You couldn't help the sob that escaped your lips. The sound made him turn his head.

"I didn't see you come in.."

"Why Peter?" you didn't even have the strength to raise your voice or be mad you were completely and utterly broken.

"Not now Y/n."

"What do you mean not now. Its time you tell me the truth Peter."

"Fine. I dont want you anymore its its- just its not working out between us okay? I work for your dad. And-"

"How dare you make this about my dad. How dare you say its not working out between us only after 3years. How dare you fall in love with someone else while you come back home to my arms and whisper to me i love you. How dare you Peter." Sobbing softly, He cant even look at you in the eyes. "At least look at me when i tell you all of this."

He had no guilt in his eyes. Not even a little. Even when he stood up from his chair, grabbed his letter and gift and turned for the door.

"Peter.. I love you, please don't go."

Sighs. "I have homework to do, lead yourself out Y/n." Closing the door as he left.

Clutching your chest and your other hand stopping your sobs you fell down on the floor and felt your heart explode into tiny little pieces.

"Im so sorry."

Fin.

Thanks for reading!

-angel 💜

[ruffiorocks]

Glee season 4 episode 5 Will is an emotional manipulator!

Sooo first off Finn is having a pity party, he thinks working for Burt in the tire shop is somehow degrading? Even though if I remember correctly last season Burt was talking about letting him run the place. Finn also makes a joke about wanting to be crushed by a car in front of ARTIE of all people!

Oh look the graduates are back at the school again, that's not creepy at all. So glad Sue eventually points this out down the line!

Will and Emma are having a counseling session with Coach Beaste of all people? Will opens being the jack ass he is and starts talking about the arts being underfunded, Emma says she isn't disputing that and Will looks pissed off that she's even dared to have a difference of opinion. He doesn't even let her finish talking, before he ends her sentance for her saying their relationship with grow through this experience and it isn't just a oxne in a lifetime opportunity for him but for both of them, and that Emma is dismissing this. Emma says she feels Will assumes she is just going to drop everything and play the part of the dutiful 1950e housewife. While Emma is saying this, the same thing she said last time Will isnt even hiding the fact he is rolling his eyes ans isn't interested in what she had to say. Even though this is quite literally what he expected her to do the last time they discussed this.

Emma talks about how her life, her dreams are somehow secondary to his and he is STILL rolling eyes and scoffing at her every word.

Beaste makes some sport analogy, and compares the relationship to her and her ex, but that was a realationship with physical abuse which isn't the same thing. But she does tell them to take a step back

Emma opens her mouth to talk and Will cuts her off once again, and OH he's admitting he made a mistake when they first talked about it. No he's being the 'nice guy' again and asking her not to look sad and is declaring his love for her, "no matter where we go or what we do I want us to be together, this time its Washington, next time it's anywhere you want to go'. This isn't Will being 'nice' or admitting he was wrong, this is emotional manipulation and him trying to get what he wants because he just can't see past his own desires.

He then says 'im asking my partner ,my equal partner to join me? Will you consider it?" This is just more emotional manipulation and he makes sure there is an audience in Beaste, so it's real hard for Emma to say no, she says yes and you can see she isn't happy about it at all, but Will is to happy he got what he wanted to even notice. Thankfully Beaste HAS noticed! At least someone has!

Other notes:

Marley, sweet angel Marley tells Wade 'Unique' she's in the girls bathroom, but Wade says she sits when she pees and Marley is instantly 💯 % fine with with this. Wade says she ways to play Rizzo, ans drag isn't just an act to her, Marley again is 💯% on board with this. Unfortunately Sue is there 😑.

Hahahaha Sue can't find a bad name for Marley and resorts to 'absolutey stunning, kind, faced blue eyed girl".

Ok, so Sue calls Wade a boy and isn't on board with her playing Rizzo. But wasn't it Sue just last season that wanted Kurt to dress up like a woman for Nationals because Wade has dressing up like a woman? I feel this is a little out of character for Sue, and they just reverted back to her being prejudice so they could someone against Wade. I won't even go into the horrible rant about gender, being trans, being in drag etc that Sue launches into because it's horrible, out of character even for Sue and I'm willing to bet wouldn't be allowed to be said today.

Wade and Marley singing P!nk 😍😍 Marley's 'rock look' is amazing and I wish we had seen more of it.

Naww Ryder is lovely to Marley, who is immediately lovely to him. Ryder is also the second person (aside from Marley) who speaks of her mother with respect. Ryder also immediately doesn't give a crap about Kitty, unlike Jake who dated her regardless of how awful she was to Marley.

Jake only auditions for the musical with the very person who is making Marley's life hell because he can't stand the fact Marley could be into the actual nice guy Ryder. He uses the pretence that it's to stop Kitty killing Marley but he's really just creepy and possessive.

Also...WHY are the known bullies allowed in the musical at all?!! No wonder the Glee kids have issues! Their safe place is never safe for long because no one cares the bullies are there as long as the show is good.

Finn "I don't see what the big deal is, if Unique Identifies as a girl and dresses as a girl she should be allowed to play one on stage' yes Finn! Finally you're out of your pity party and making some sense, NOT Artie who scoffed at Wade playing Rizzo and scoffed at Marley being Sandy because she's brunette?? No Artie would prefer the known school bully to be rewarded with the lead over the lovely angel that is Marley.

Ooh no!!!! Finn used the R word to describe baby Robin!! Two steps forward MILES backwards! Sue maybe being an ass right now about casting Wade, but going after her baby girl was beyond uncalled for. Figgins should have kicked Finn out of the school for that, this is Sue's place of work, Finn just proved he shouldn't be influencing kids and he doesn't even belong there!

Where was Will during all this? Oh yeah just sat there not giving a shit because is to wrapped up in himself to notice whats going on with 'his' kids.

Now back to Emma, who's restored to freaking about germs because Will is stressing her out. Beaste tells her lying is the worst thing (besides violence) someone can do in a relationship and tells her she knows Emma doesn't want to go to Washington. No Coach, do you know what's worse than being forced into agreeing to something that you don't want to do? It's your partner emotionally manipulating you into agreeing and making you think you're in the wrong for ever disagreeing in the first place. But thankfully Beaste does tell her she should tell Will she doesn't want to go. But then takes a step backwards and tells Emma that Will loves her, and that Emma spent so much time trying to be Will's girls she's forgotten why Will fell for her. NO! Emma literally says she can't get in the ways of Will's dreamsmy because that's what Terri did, that's because Will never shuts up about how Terri treated him, which manipulates Emma into trying her hardest not to disagree with him. I'm so sick of people thinking Will is a 'nice guy' who just loves everyone. Poor Emma needed some real support here, not to be guilt tripped by Will and Beaste.

Side note: Tina is right when she said she was fine with Mike and her breaking up, but he could have given her a heads up and let her know he would be invading her space at school and helping with the school musical. No one cares about poor Tina! The most neglected character ever!

Marley and Ryder just want to dance, Jake and Kitty just want to be dickheads. Jake's creepy possession over Marley really gets going here, to the point he's stopping her dancing with Ryder and picking a fight with him. So starts Jake's decline into being an arsehole.

Yay Marley and Ryder got the leads, because they deserve it! They aren't dickheads!

Kitty is fat shaming Marley and her mum. No one! Not one member of the Glee club , Finn or any past students speak up for her at all!! This is the beginning of Marley's body issues!

Emma is freaking out cooking and is having basically a panic attacks, all because of Will!! But she finally says she doesnt want to go to Washington, he is NOT happy, but at least he's listening. Now??? Now he decides to listen to what she has to say? Oh and now he's the 'nice guy' again. Poor Emma, stuck with this arsehole.

Will actually thinks if he doesn't go to Washington the arts will fail in America?? Yeah full of yourself much?? Will also leaves Finn in charge of Glee club, the guy who shot himself with a gun, called Sue's baby the R word and is watching bullying happen before his very eyes and is doing NOTHING about it!!

Conclusions?

The graduates spend too much time at their old highschool!

The bullies are allowed to bully with no consequences, even rewarded. The victims have no safe haven because it's infiltrated by the bullies and as long as they can sing and dance no one care about what the bullying is doing to the good kids like Marley who will eventually become bulimic and no one notices.

Jake is becoming creepy and possessive.

Beaste has fallen for Will's 'nice guy' act.

Finn Hudson should have kicked out of the school the moment the called on of the teachers babies by the R word!

Sue is totally out of character, shes against Wade but late says it's for her protection and states how she had LGBT both boys and girls on the Cheerios.

Figgins is useless.

Tina is neglected!

Will Shuester basically abusive to Emma, it's emotional abuse. He doesn't care about her outside of what she can do for him. He doesn't even let her finish sentance, he tries to make decisions for her and emotional manipulates and guilt trips her into agreeing with him when she is clearly uncomfortable, resulting in an OCD Episode. He then acts like he's OK with not going to Washington, because he didn't winning this one and is being the 'nice guy' again.

Will Shuester is a jackass!!

[kaylazone]

Day 15-17 🎢

Why did i put the roller coaster emoji? You might be asking yourself well thats how my trip to cay caulker felt! 1st day we got there i was amazed at the beauty of this island!! Water so clear you didn’t have to worry what was under you, You could see exactly what was under you! And as soon as we got off the boat a witness couple preaching with the cart was there and as soon as we were walking towards them, there smile changed from “time to give a witness” to “oo wait these are my sisters walking towards me” one of the best feelings ever! To see brothers and sisters who you don’t even know but you have that instant connection with them! After that we enjoyed a nice walk around the island exploring a little. For dinner we went to a different part of this island called KoKo King its a more deserted part of the island, there was a hotel with a restaurant a private beach tubes for the water hammocks swings, really nice relaxing day, we enjoyed dinner and then got a ride back at night on the boat so not only did we get to see the ocean at night but the millions and millions of stars talk about double creation!! I mean romans 1:20 in action fo choo (for true in kriol) The ocean was so powerful yet calming and then you looked up at the millions of stars and your amazed the strength it took to put all them up there and yet Jehovah knows them all by name, during all this i stopped and thought to myself wow Jehovah did this jehovah made this Huge ocean and those million stars and he cares about me, me little kayla why? Most humbling experience ever being surrounded by all of that powerful creation, yet Jehovah still cares about you, and me just so loving of him! I could have stayed there forever!

So right now you might be thinking wow that sounds amazing How could there be a low point of this trip😂 lol well there was! Next morning i woke up sick sick from my stomach 😷 all morning nauseous horrible feeling, and today we had a big day planned we were gonna go snorkeling in this beautiful ocean, how could i pass this once in a lifetime experience, so i went even though my stomach didn’t want to go. By the way its my 1st time snorkeling! So were on the boat and of course waves are crazy great🙄 we get to our 1st stop some coral and a big sea turtle, of course i had to get off to see!! So i did, im a good swimmer but they gave us flippers to swim with and if you haven’t swam with flipper before they are a bit tuff to swim with, so there i am struggling with the flippers but still pushing thru it saw the sea turtle AMAZING, now the coral well if you don’t know there is this type of coral that let me say if you touch it, it will touch you back its called fire coral, it burns if you get touched by it pretty scary i know, so were swimming on top of this scary coral (yes yes it is a beautiful type of coral) I didn’t realize how close this coral is to us soo i stared to slowly but surely panic as im calmly panicking why do i say it like that cause i wasn’t splashing screaming or even making a scene my heart was just racing and i was getting dizzy, while this is happening im trying to stay cool, because my breathing tube thingy started allowing water in so now im drinking salty i mean salty water sooo i had to get myself together to swim to the boat cause if i were to panic i knew my breathing would get harder and harder and allow more water in which in turn causing me to drown so i got myself together and swam to the boat, after that i didn’t get off for the other 3 spots so i stayed in the boat which caused me more sea sickness cause the waves were crazy! Now we have come to our last stop Shark Ray Alley i didn’t come all this way and nearly almost die to sit on a boat and not swim with the sharks, so i jumped off and went for it! One of the most amazing experiences i have ever had the sharks are like the movies swimming around like they own the ocean 😂 to top off this crazy day my phone broke, due to waterproof case malfunction 😣

But i got to swim with sharks and sting rays and saw a sea turtle and saw part of The great barrier reef! I was pretty happy

Last day of Caye Caulker i was excited to go home after the crazy day i had just had so for our last few hours we ate breakfast took a walk around went to a restaurant with swings in the water and swam one last time then boat ride back home and straight to get ready for meeting

Got to comment again in kriol, and got told my kriol is getting better 👍🏽

You didn’t think i forgot my fun facts did you😉

❗️Fun facts- the island is so small you can walk around the whole thing in 2 hours and they don’t allow cars only golf carts

❗️Fun fact- the sharks are nursing sharks so they don’t bite but suck and are used to people swimming with them, they are trained to come at the sound of the boat engine

❗️Fun fact- we got to see the barrier reef second largest reef after the one in Australia (the one that they talk about in finding nemo😂)

❗️Fun Fact- hard working brothers and sisters they had 130 in memorial attendance thats with only having 30 publishers

[bts-is-my-life-as-always]

Inbetween chapter 3

close your eyes and ears, until light shines on you again.

prologue CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3

summary: sometimes the dark is the light, and the place that is claimed to be light can be your darkest nightmares, but maybe it’ll be fine with the person you love and longed for so long.

you didn’t want this, no one would if they knew of the horror, once again you plopped yourself back down on your bed, today was just another day off like many, the gateway was not always looked after by you, you weren’t allowed to go out many times, for as long as possible you are to stay at home unless someone is off sick or if they are somehow backed up.

The bird fights its way out of the egg

the egg is the world

who would be born must first destroy a world

The bird flies to God

That God’s name

is,

Abraxas

you lay still if your ‘family’ didn’t know you, they would’ve thought that you’d passed out or died, you stayed still for most of your life like this, as if you were dead, perhaps you wanted to be dead more than anything, perhaps that’s what you longed for, a sudden knock at the door was all that was needed to alert you, you sensed a warmth, a warmth that was more fake than anything, it was laced with bitter and utter hatred, of course she would hate you, after all you were the favourite wives daughter, your father has cared more about you and your mother before her passing more than anyone else, the emotions emitting from her disgusted you, how can someone be so fake? 

you didn’t bother getting up to face her, you couldn’t be bothered, she was the type to abandon even her own children if she was in danger, your father thought he was so in love that he couldn’t see her facade, but you knew, he wasn’t in love, he just needed that empty space replaced, that’s never love, it’s called a counterfeit replacement of an area that needs to be occupied, your heart may be empty but you thought to yourself how you’d wait an eternity just to be with the real one and not a counterfeit, as these thoughts raced through your mind she opened the door and entered your room without a word,

“how many times should i knock before you answer?” she said coldly,

“so here it is again, your true personality, if you were in such a rush, why knock on my door?” you questioned.

“well, your dear father told me to check up on you, and you know he’ll question me if my scent isn’t left behind here, and we both act fake in front of him anyways, so why question that now?” you didn’t answer just simply turned away from her,

“you can leave now, you’ve left enough of your stench, a mother that’s not worried about her own sons delayed visit home, still going out to meet with the local ladies just to talk shit, your no mother, nor should your kind be here” you knew every word you said it got to her more and more, you could sense her rage, she was going to hit you, while she raised her hands you blocked, you see, you had many talents that other’s didn’t know about, a blue orb lit up all around you, and as you heard the smack of your ‘mothers’ hands against the glass like material, you knew it hurt, 

“if you get the fact that you’ll never truly be considered my mother, then get out” she left without saying a word, to be honest if she didn’t leave you didn’t know what else you would’ve done to her.

As you heard her mumbling under her breathe and close the front door, you turned back around and faced the sky, you slowly started to close your eyes, for some reason, you wanted to meet whoever it was in your dream, you wanted to see him one last time.

you opened your eyes once again to some place dark, this time instead of fear, it made you happy, this time you called out,

“hello? is anyone there?” as soon as he heard your voice, he magically appeared in front of you, you looked at him full of hope, perhaps he’s the key to escaping this madness, his eyes looked so pure, too pure to be alone in a place so dark,

“why did you come back? it’s not safe here, i told you i’d be back for you” you looked up at him confused,

“what do you mean? i didn’t choose to come here, i just... i’m confused, i’m not supposed to be dreaming, angels don’t dream, do they?” 

“why are you asking me silly, your the one that chose to come here, otherwise you wouldn’t be here, but i did miss you, a lot, so thank you, at least i know you still think about me from time to time.” you were truly confused, think about him, but why? for some reason a strong sense of loneliness washed over you and then anger.

“if you keep telling me that you’d come find me soon, why is it taking so long? why do i only get to stay here for such a short time? can’t i stay forever? with you, you say you missed me but did you really? if you really did, then why do i feel so alone? why do i still miss you?” he didn’t respond just hugged you, slowly, gently, calmly being as soft as anyone could, then you looked up to him and asked him one last question.

“who are you?”

“i’m jungkook, Jeon jungkook, remember me? will you princess? i’ll be there soon.” 

IM SOOO SORRY FOR BEING GONE FOR SOOO LONG, I SWEARRRRR I’LL TRY UPLOADING MORE OFTEN, NOT THIS SCENARIO IN PART.... let me get off of caps, now continuing, i’ll carry on writing the older scenarios that i just stopped writing like ages ago, i promise this time.

until then, stay safe and see you soon.

love you

[demonialex]

1-100 😘

omfg ok under the cut cuz yeah long af

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify!

is your room messy or clean? uhhh it’s in the middle i guess lmao a little messy but not complete chaos imo?

what color are your eyes? dark brown

do you like your name? why? i hate my given name so instead i named myself alex and now i rly like it ay B) 

what is your relationship status? single

describe your personality in 3 words or less caring, impatient, lazy

what color hair do you have? brown

what kind of car do you drive? color? i dont have a car

where do you shop? uhhhhh i dont really shop much cuz im broke? but sometimes in various stores it depends on what im getting?

how would you describe your style? “i don’t have enough money to dress in the style i actualyl like so this will have to do”

favorite social media account ngl it’s probably this hellsite

what size bed do you have? queen

any siblings? nah, only child

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? hmmmm probably canada? cause they seem rly chill with lgbtq ppl and they are rather safe? plus i speak the language sooo

favorite snapchat filter? ...the dog one (well out of the current ones cuz i rly miss the “greek goddess” or whatever the hell was the name of that one)

favorite makeup brand(s) kinda rly dont care tbh? i kinda of go with whats cheaper lmao and also it varies on what it is (foundation, eye shadow, etc)

how many times a week do you shower? usually every day tho im ngl today i was so exhausted (im super sick) that i forgot to shower

favorite tv show? currently? probably the magicians

shoe size? varies between 7~8 US

how tall are you? 162cm

sandals or sneakers? sneakers

do you go to the gym? ok i tried going this year but then i got drowned in homework and now i have the flu dont judge me

describe your dream date honestly i have no idea? as long as im with someone i actually like and am attracted to, and that the conversation flows, im good.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? my go-to wallet? 0. my savings wallet? i think around 1k or 1.5k i cant remember for sure? as i said, it’s a /savings/ wallet 

what color socks are you wearing? im not wearing socks

how many pillows do you sleep with? one under my bed and one on each side of me so i can throw my leg over it when i roll

do you have a job? what do you do? nah, not allowed to work ;-; 

how many friends do you have? uhhhhh... 3? 4? idk mate i lost A LOT of friends in the past few years :/ I have quite a few “acquaintances” now and ppl i wish were my friends but who dont seem to want the same, but actual friends i think probably just 4

whats the worst thing you have ever done? depends on who u ask, on ur morals, etc

whats your favorite candle scent? i like too many, i cant pick!! D:

3 favorite boy names guilherme, alex, leonardo ? i guess? idk

3 favorite girl names carolina, camila, alex. again, i guess lmao idk

favorite actor? dont rly have one

favorite actress? again dont rly have one oops im boring

who is your celebrity crush? fck i have way too many tbh

favorite movie? probably DEBS tbh

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?not rly... it’s not that i dont /want to/ it’s just that i constantly forget to read. my fave is probably little brother or my girlfriend is a geek

money or brains? for myself? money! on a potential partner? brains tho idc that much abt academically smart yadda yadda

do you have a nickname? what is it? Zu

how many times have you been to the hospital? uhhhh for actual important shit and not just casual check ups probably.... 4 or 5 times? i cant remember. i had pneumonia and i fractured bones quite a few times

top 10 favorite songs !!! i cant choose fam

do you take any medications daily?ye anti depressant and anti anxiety

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) always thought it was oily but apparently it’s mixed/combination

what is your biggest fear? ooo boy i have too many fears idk if i can choose a main biggest one

how many kids do you want? none thanks

whats your go to hair style?  “i woke up and was too lazy to brush my hair plus if i dont brush it it looks extra fluffy and slightly curled”

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) small-ish apartment

who is your role model? dont have one tbh

what was the last compliment you received? deadass cant remember

what was the last text you sent? “thank you~”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? no clue tbh i was still a child haha 

what is your dream car? I rly dont wanna drive tbh but i find lamborghinis so fckin gorgeous

opinion on smoking? idc as long as u dont do it next to me cause it tends to make me cough a lot. tho depend on what ur smoking and the brand and if we are in an open space for some reason i dont smoke so ye

do you go to college? yup!!

what is your dream job? no clue

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs. the more things to do the better

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? i usually forget but my mom always takes them for me so :^)

do you have freckles? not the standard “a bunch of tiny ones around ur face”, but i have the classic brown ones here and there. does that make sense? :v (i hate that u guys have the same word for both kind of freckles smh)

do you smile for pictures? not usually? at most a close mouthed smile more like a smirk lmao

how many pictures do you have on your phone? i dont wanna do the math but over 1k

have you ever peed in the woods? who hasnt??

do you still watch cartoons? if animes are considered cartoons then sometimes, if not then not really

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? cant remember how the wendy’s ones taste like so i will go with mcdonalds

Favorite dipping sauce? depends on what im eating. usually blue cheese, if not then bbq

what do you wear to bed? depends on how hot it is lol

have you ever won a spelling bee? never even been to one

what are your hobbies? watching tv shows? idk mate

can you draw? kinda i guess

do you play an instrument? nah :(

what was the last concert you saw? i think it was demi lovato lmao

tea or coffee? i dont really drink either tbh. loved the tea my friend made me, and loved the coffee my grandma used to make me. alas both live too far away now

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? i deadass think i only went to dunkin donuts ONCE and i dont remember shit abt it so i will go with starbucks

do you want to get married? hmmm idc either way

what is your crush’s first and last initial? dont rly have a /major/ crush rn, just smol ones

are you going to change your last name when you get married? if their name is cooler maybe

what color looks best on you? black

do you miss anyone right now? i constantly miss too many ppl but i try to avoid thinking abt it

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed!! i hate sleeping with open doors

do you believe in ghosts? i guess?

what is your biggest pet peeve? idk fam i have too many haha im blanking rn

last person you called` probably my mom or my grandma. i hate calloing ppl so i usually just call them lmao

favorite ice cream flavor? hmm probably half baked from B&J. in general i like peanut, chocolate, vanilla, bubblegum... i have a rly sweet toothe lol

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular!

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? chocolate!! the rainbow ones taste like plastic imo

what shirt are you wearing? it’s not rly a shirt? it’s a.. camisole? i think that’s how u say it? my mom got it for me, it’s from that the despicable movie or whatever it was called

what is your phone background? lock screen is julia wicker, home screen is julia and marina

are you outgoing or shy? generally shy but id depends on who i am with i guess

do you like it when people play with your hair? if i like the person (even as friends, just as long as im comfortable with them) then hell yes i love it! if it’s a stranger or someone i rly dont like then no obvs

do you like your neighbors? i dont rly know them tbh

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? ye usually once when i wake up and once before going to bed.

have you ever been high? nah i was able to take like 2 drags and then i died coughing

have you ever been drunk? nope:( not from lack of trying lol but the taste is so gross it makes me feel a bit nauseous

last thing you ate? bread with requeijao

favorite lyrics right now the lyrics of “trem bala”. deadss considering getting part of it tattooed cause it’s so... deep? and good? and it’s sigh it’s rly good if anyone is interested i can translate is lol 

summer or winter? winter

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? white tho milk is a close second

favorite month? hmmm idk? maybe november cause mah bday?

what is your zodiac sign scorpio

who was the last person you cried in front of? i rarely cry and even more rarely cry in front of others so i dont rly remember but if i had to guess probably my mom?

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard. 

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years. 

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level. 

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him. 

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work. 

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet. 

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now. 

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here. 

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called  me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.” 

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles. 

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive. 

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do. 

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card. 

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here. 

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’. 

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit. 

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

. 

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs). 

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs. 

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort. 

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life? 

like how my doctor thinks of you right now? 

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now. 

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work. 

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this -  its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music. 

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back. 

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying.  so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable. 

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort. 

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”. 

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated. 

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend. 

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont. 

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week. 

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes. 

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic. 

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed. 

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING 

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”. 

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression. 

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother.