#IT FEELS SO BAD IT'S WHY I PREFER TO YELL INTO THE VOID

[nerice]

i don't think me warning "i am not normal when i get to talk abt ocs" adequately prepares people for getting a minimum 2k words in response to even the simplest of questions

[hyuckbeam]

the ups and downs

all your life was spent earning recognition from others. hell, your past relationships ended badly because they couldn’t truly see you for yourself. knowing you’ll never be good enough is something you’ve grown so accustomed to, so why does it feel so nice when he tells you how proud he is of you?

pairing | archi student!renjun x archi student!reader

genre | fluff, angst, college au

warnings + notes | mentions of bad traumas/experiences, parent negligence, some bits of swearing, reader uses she/her pronouns, bff!chaewon, a lot of self-conflict, please lmk if i missed anything!

wc | 5.3k words

a/n | the first installation to the third time’s the charm (tttc) universe, yay! it took a little while to churn this one out because of school but i hope the wait wasn’t too long ;0; *punches school* as always,, likes, rbs, and feedback are appreciated <3 thank you!!

song recs | raise y_our glass - huh yunjin, hug - suggi, walk you home - nct dream

tttc m.list, main m.list

“mommy, look what i got!” your tiny feet carried you to where your mother was, a marked test paper in hand. “see, see? the pretty miss from school gave me an A on my exam!”

your teacher told you to study well because your parents would be really happy if you did your best on the upcoming exam. your younger self believed her and studied with the goal of making your parents proud. however, instead of any praises like your teacher had told you, all you heard was “later, dear. i’m busy. mommy is taking an important call and you’re being distracting.” in a whisper-yell manner that held not one ounce of warmth in it.

you were distracting. you were just a distraction in her life.

stunned was one way to describe how you felt. you were just a measly six-year-old kid at the time, but you could clearly tell your mother had no time for you, much less your father who was rarely home. they had no time to entertain you. they had no time to be proud of you. they needed to do grown-up things that didn’t involve you.

that was probably the first time you realized you were all alone. your parents would constantly be buried in work, and you didn’t have siblings to play with. you didn’t even have many (re: none) friends because you were always shy at school. none of the other kids wanted to approach you first either because their parents warded them off, saying how you came from a rich family and that you might punish them for doing the slightest bit of wrong — which was never the truth. you weren’t anything like that, but that’s how they assumed you to be. what was the point of being rich when your own parents didn’t even seem like family? deep down inside, all you wanted was to be appreciated for being yourself, but right now, you felt like a void had formed within you.

as you grew older, you still unconsciously wanted to gain recognition from others, even picking a course that you thought your parents would prefer. side note: they didn’t really care as much as you thought they would. you had also gained a few friends, but they were always at arm's length because your trust in others decreased significantly over the years.

how could anyone blame you though? you’ve had so many experiences where people came up to you wanting to be friends but actually wanted to get close to you for money. there were even some claiming they harbored romantic feelings for you, and yet, those were all lies to use you for their own gain. you were simply exhausted from being dragged around like a little doll people could put on up their display shelves.

you didn’t even see the point of making friends. you just did so because the school guidance counselor expressed her worries for you. a means to an end, you suppose. there was, however, an exception; that being kim chaewon.

she had introduced herself to you back when you were both classmates in middle school and practically attached you both at the hip since then — you didn’t mind though, in fact, you enjoyed it more than you’d ever like to admit. her company made you feel human. she was there when you first discovered your love for art, she was there to share lunches with at break time when you were all alone, she was there to wipe your tears when your emotions would burst after being bottled in for so long, she was there when no one else was, and you couldn’t be more thankful for her.

it was by chance your parents actually agreed for you to move into a dorm with her for college. you wondered if they would accept chaewon as your friend, but it seems that they already did – granted they allowed you to do this in the first place. they probably had to do a background check on her to make sure she wouldn’t ‘ruin their reputations’, but you’ll let their actions slide for now.

“y/n! you have your first class tomorrow, right?” chaewon pops up from your shoulder as you work on fixing your class schedule by the counter near the kitchen, catching you a little off guard.

“hm- oh, yeah. you’re starting later in the day, aren’t you? sucks to be you.” you tease lightly, watching as your friend’s face contorts to a frown.

“god, don’t remind me. why did they have to make ours a day ahead?” listening to her groans, you can’t help but chuckle to yourself. “we’ll all be starting the new semester eventually anyways!”

“yeah, yeah. still wished i had more minutes of freedom though.” her shoulders slump for a moment. “at least the first days are exciting. it’s nice being able to meet new classmates.”

chaewon was always known for being a social butterfly, but you were in no way similar. “speak for yourself! i already feel jittery from the fact we don’t share any classes at all.” you feign a shiver, pursing your lips into a thin line.

“you’ll be fine. you’re my best friend after all!” with a pat on the back, chaewon makes sure to flash you a reassuring smile knowing it helps your nerves calm down.

“yeah, i know i will be. i’m just worried for… you know… being outcasted by others again.” you bring up, voice getting quieter after every word. this instinctively prompts your best friend to reach out for a hug. “that won’t happen, hm? tell me if it does, i’ll absolutely ditch class for-”

“what, no! go attend class, silly.” a giggle manages to escape your throat, and chaewon smiles at being able to successfully lift your mood up. “can’t believe you’re getting rid of me already!!” she whines with a pout before bursting into a fit of laughter.

notebooks? check. pencils and pens? check. phone? also check- “hey, y/n! are you almost ready? we’re walking to campus together, right?” chaewon beams as she barges into your room bright and early in the morning.

with a yawn, you blink off your drowsiness, stuffing your back with your stationery. “yeah, let me just pack my bag and we can go, okay?”

“alright! i also made you some breakfast you can eat while we walk.” she reminds you before stepping out to fix her own things one last time.

despite being reassured by chaewon yesterday, you can’t help but notice that unsettling feeling crawl the back of your neck. you were still worried about class, but you didn’t have time to dwell on it now. you had a class to get to on time and you were going to be late if you stayed home any longer. walking out of your room to the kitchen, you grab the breakfast your friend had made in advance. “okay, chae! let’s get going. i don’t want to be late!”

you sling your bag over your shoulder, chaewon mirroring your actions as you both quickly head out of your shared dorm. checking your phone for the time, you realize you have around ten minutes before classes start for the both of you. “chae… we need to go- like now, now!!” you urge her to pick up the pace and start running – mentally thanking the fact your dorm is located near campus.

“we really need to work on our time management, huh?” she replies, words coming out breathlessly from the both of you running against the clock (literally and figuratively).

“no kidding, i’ll see you after class, okay?” you pant out, just as tired as she is. “yep! good luck, you got this!” chaewon hastily makes two thumbs-ups before leaving to catch her own class. now you just had to run to your building and- ouch! why does your head suddenly hurt?

rubbing your forehead to ease the impact, you look up to find a boy, who seems to be just as frazzled as you, staring down at your figure. “sorry, i wasn’t looking where i was going.” he apologizes sheepishly, offering a hand out for you to pick yourself back up with. “it’s okay i wasn’t paying attention either-” you finally get a good look at him. jet black hair, kind eyes that sparkle in the sun, a slight flush in his face (presumably from this entire mishap with you), and the prettiest lips that make you want to kiss- no, what were you doing? you just met him, and worse… “I’M GOING TO BE LATE!” you exclaim abruptly once gathering your thoughts. it seems you’ve even shocked him as he flinches a little. you quickly apologize, gathering your things as fast as you can before scurrying off, leaving without him being able to utter a single word back.

finally settling down in the front row of the class, your mind couldn’t help but wander back to the boy you bumped into earlier while waiting for the professor to arrive. you weren’t late, but god, that was seriously embarrassing… maybe you should’ve paid more attention to your surroundings.

or rather, you should start applying that insight right now because why is the same boy in your class asking if the seat next to you is already taken or not? maybe you’re just hallucinating and it’s a different guy- “excuse me? i hope you aren’t still shocked from earlier.”

nope, he was definitely the same guy from a while ago.

“sorry, i just… wasn’t expecting you to be in the same class. the seat is free by the way.” you finally answer back in a swift, yet awkward motion before taking out a small notebook from your bag to pretend like you’re busy. it seems like he takes your reply as a green light, placing his bag beside yours and taking his seat.

the silence continues on for the rest of the class, ultimately making you want to curl up in a hole and hide forever. at this point, you’re even considering dropping the class and taking it next semester to avoid experiencing this again. to your luck, you manage to finish the class without combusting on the outside, already preparing your things to leave, but the sweet tone of his voice makes you halt for a moment.

“sorry, i know we got on the wrong foot, but i’d really like to get to know you more.” he confesses with a calm smile. though the sight would make anyone melt for his charms, at this moment, he was the epitome of what you were afraid of. what if he wants to be friends to manipulate you? what if he wants to use you for money like all the others? so many thoughts started to go through your mind, it was starting to get overwhelming. it seems he senses this too, taking a small step back to give you some space.

“i understand if you don’t want to be friends, but how about i just get you coffee sometime for bumping into you as an apology? it can be a one-time thing.” he proposes, holding onto high hopes. taking a deep breath, you nod along in agreement despite your worries. it’s not like you wanted to assume his reasons for approaching you – you just couldn’t help doing so. either way, you knew judging the poor boy on the spot (or anyone for that matter) wasn’t that great, so you did what anyone else would.

“okay. when are you taking me out for coffee then?”

his eyes light up from your verbal agreement. “i think you should know my name first.” he starts with a chuckle. “it’s renjun- don’t forget it, alright? as for the details of grabbing coffee together…”

you were a little surprised renjun had arranged the set coffee meet-up to be just a few days later. perhaps he really was that eager to make it up to you, even when you were partially to blame for what happened back then. he didn’t seem to mind at all though – going as far as to remind you every now and then that he was going to treat you to coffee.

both of you were to meet at the campus coffee shop, and you were preparing your bag for the short trip with plans to study while talking to renjun (and using the fact you’re studying as an excuse if the situation starts getting difficult for you). “oooh, it’s just the first week since classes resumed and you’re already being asked out on a date?” chaewon singsongs from the living room.

“pfft, it’s nothing like that. he just says he owes me or something… i don’t really understand his reasoning considering we both bumped into each other.”

“you should just take the opportunity, my baby y/n.” your best friend coos. “who knows, maybe you’ll both have more in common with each other aside from, erm, being clumsy… then you’ll start developing feelings for the boy-”

“alright, i think you’re getting ahead of yourself now.” tutting back lightly, you wiggle your finger in the air before grabbing your keys and taking a step outside your dorm. “i’ll be back before dinner! don’t wait up if you get too hungry before then.” you add before closing the door behind you.

it takes a few minutes from your dorm to the coffee shop, but you manage to arrive on time, even spotting renjun occupying one of the tables next to the windows, seeming to be working on his laptop. “someone’s early.” you point out with a soft voice once approaching his table, offering him a brief wave right after. “hope i didn’t keep you waiting?”

renjun shakes his head, gesturing for you to take the seat in front of him. “like you said, i came pretty early, but i’m quite used to staying here during my free time. my friend actually works part-time here and drags me along with him.” he explains, nudging his head over towards the counter where you see a familiar face, lee jeno. chaewon had introduced you guys to each other before so you aren’t exactly strangers.

“oh, you’re friends with him?” you gasp a little, finding the world to be quite smaller than you thought. the two of you easily slip into a conversation because of this, and the plans you made earlier to study and avoid conversation as much as possible had now been thrown out the window.

you got to learn much about renjun despite only having a proper conversation today. he’s apparently in the same course as you (which explains why the both of you will be sharing more classes together), he often goes to his cousin’s dorm to play with their cat, and loves hotpot more than anything, even claiming he’s a connoisseur of that field – his words, not yours. you can’t help but find the little things about him endearing, and for once, you’ve let your guard down entirely in front of a person you had only met a few days prior. maybe it's the fact he’s so easy to talk to, maybe it's the glint in his eyes that shows his interest in what you have to share about yourself, or maybe it's the way he laughs at your jokes despite you thinking they weren’t that funny to get that big of a reaction out of him. time had passed by quickly with him as your company, however, you don’t seem to register that until he brings the time up.

“it’s getting a little late. come on, i’ll walk you back to your dorm.” he insists after checking his watch, now packing his things and getting ready to leave. though you didn’t want to bother him, there didn’t seem to be any room for you to protest otherwise, so instead, you let him accompany you home.

this is the first time someone has actually offered to walk you home. not even the people you had a relationship with (if you can even call it that) in the past ever proposed to do that for you. you’d be lying if renjun’s actions didn't send a fluttery feeling to your stomach like how those teen-vogue magazines would describe the feeling to be like. you remember it stating that specific sensation was what you’d feel once you start developing feelings-

oh, perhaps chaewon was right earlier. you might just fall for huang renjun.

you and renjun have gotten a lot closer ever since he took you out for coffee — hell, he’s even well acquainted with chaewon now — and he’s been plaguing your mind more than ever. though, you’re more conflicted than anything.

a part of you wants to let yourself fall for him. i mean, who wouldn’t want to be with a guy like renjun? sure, he may have some anger issues (your experiences watching him and jeno banter by the counter of the coffee shop can vouch for this), but he’s also the sweetest guy you’ve ever got to meet.

just as you’re about to consider accepting your feelings for the boy, there’s the other part of you that wants to keep yourself guarded. you know he’s different from the people you’ve met in the past, so why do you still get the suspicion he’s simply using you for his personal gain? mayhaps, you’re just sinking in your thoughts a little too much, but you can’t seem to shake it off your system.

it’s frustrating. you shouldn’t be thinking this way about a friend of yours. how would renjun feel if he knew you had pondered on the idea of him being a backstabber? surely, he would be offended by that, so you brush those invasive thoughts away. after all, you were to meet him in a little bit for your regular study sessions for the upcoming final exams.

exams always left a bitter taste in your mouth, recalling how it was for you growing up. studying with renjun made exam season just a tiny bit more bearable after he suggested you both should study together so you could help each other out. he’s always had your best interests in mind, another reason why you had come to like him so much- gosh, your thoughts were such a mess today that you wanted to scream out a window.

with a heavy heart, you start making your way to the ever-so-familiar campus coffee shop. as soon as you enter, you spot renjun, eyes already landing on your figure like he had been searching for you moments prior. had he been anticipating your arrival that eagerly? the worrisome thoughts you’ve been harboring have simply washed away as your heart felt like it was running a marathon by how fast it was beating. all you could think about was the blush you felt creeping up your cheeks once you noticed he was staring- staring at you.

“you’re finally here! i got your favorite matcha latte, it’s still pretty cold.” he quickly announces with a smile that’s never failed to make you feel better.

“thanks! i really owe you one, you know?” you chuckle at your own words, walking over to take the seat next to his. while you begin setting down your things on the table, your fingers accidentally brush against his, and yet, neither of you seems to want to pull away from the other. he links his pinky with yours instead, confirming your assumption even more.

was this normal for the two of you? not one bit.

did you wish it was? a million times, yes.

maybe you needed to get your head straight and actually start studying for your exams.

the last week of exams was certainly hell. you’ve never felt this drained in so long — the last time you could recall would probably be back in junior high. though, this time seems to be much worse since you couldn���t understand the number of times your mind went blank during the tests. was your scatterbrain due to the thought of your study “dates” with renjun? you’d like to blame it on those, yes.

results would be posted any hour now for your batch, and that kept your nerves high to quite an extent over the weekend. so much for finally getting to relax, huh? either way, you were glad that all of your finals have finally ended, but now you had to wait a few more days for chaewon to finish hers. she was still pretty swamped with requirements the last time you saw her at your dorm. there is, however, someone you know who just finished his exams in the previous week: renjun. you guys did have the same classes after all. maybe the day you would finally buy him a cup of coffee and make the playing field even between you two has finally arrived.

dialing his phone, you quickly called him up to meet at your regular spot and set out yourself. it’s a good thing you made it to the coffee shop before him this time (you still remember the last time he was earlier and that sent your brain haywire). you see jeno today as well in his spot behind the counter, making sure to greet him as you order drinks for yourself and renjun.

“oh? you’re buying him coffee this time?” jeno questions with an amused look, almost like he’s watching a k-drama he’s so invested in. “thought i’d repay him for all the free drinks i got.” you answer with a simple chuckle.

“he’s definitely going to enjoy this.” the barista adds in a cheeky mutter before preparing the drinks.

it doesn’t take long for renjun to arrive despite your short notice, entering the coffee shop 10 minutes after you did. renjun quickly noticed the mocha frappuccino you ordered for him in advance and was about to speak against it until you rebutted with the fact it had already been made and paid for. it’s a good thing jeno prepares coffee fast, or else you might’ve had a conversation about who’s paying for who’s drinks.

“i really don’t mind paying for your drinks in the first place!” renjun replies before spinning his drink with a pout.

“i sure as hell don’t mind paying for yours either! won’t you just consider this as me making it even with you-” the ping of both renjun’s and your phone has you pausing mid-sentence so abruptly, pulling your device out to see the notification that your grades have been released.

“you’re kidding, right when i was going to enjoy my drink?” you grumble lightly before taking a deep breath. you weren’t usually so scared for your test results, but after your mind went elsewhere during exam season, you couldn’t help but feel a tinge of anxiety.

a hand rests gently atop your shoulder, making you peer your gaze towards renjun. “you’ll do fine. we prepared for the exams for a pretty long time, so i know your efforts will turn out to be fruitful.”

his reassurance was all you needed to muster the confidence to check your scores. biting your bottom lip, you open the email with your scores listed down, scrolling through it slowly as you read the contents. your eyes soon land on your grade and it’s actually higher than you thought it would be – it felt like a miracle was bestowed upon you and you couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. “renjun i did it!” you exclaim, raising your hands in the air.

“see, what did i tell you? i’m so proud of you!” his words make your heart swell with so much joy. he just said he was proud of you. he’s genuinely thrilled about your accomplishment. his sentiments make you think you could cry right about now.

you’re too caught up in his sincerity, not realizing the two of you are inches apart. one small movement from either of you would be all it took for your lips to be smashed on his.

what if you wanted to make that move? what if you wanted to kiss him? what if… he doesn’t want that?

the same thoughts are probably running through his head as neither of you take initiative, silently staring at each other like your eyes hold everything you’ve been meaning to tell him. it appears as if he realized you weren’t ready for any advances, now taking a step back and clearing his throat – failing to hide the blush that rose to the tip of his ears.

how cute. that familiar feeling of butterflies had erupted once more, however, there was now another emotion that lingered – fear. and that’s when it hit you; you were scared.

what were you even scared of exactly? to be honest, you didn’t even understand yourself enough to give a straight answer.

maybe it was the fact that your relationship had never really been unstable at any point. the fact that it was going so well with him was what made you scared. what if everything would easily come crashing down and you’d never be able to talk to him again? you didn’t want to mess that up, no way. because of that notion, it felt like you were walking on thin ice, wanting to do all you could to keep up the good relationship you had with the boy.

you treasured him more than you’d like to admit.

there were also those negative thoughts you stored in the back of your mind, now resurfacing as you begin delving into them once more. most of those who tried to acquaint themselves with you ended up having a hidden agenda up their sleeve. you’d learn to shut those people off once having the impression they were up to no good, but you couldn't do that to renjun, not when you liked him so much.

it seems as though you had been sharing your thoughts aloud without noticing, with renjun being right next to you. shit, you messed up big time. not only did you confess you harbored feelings for him, but you voiced out your suspicions too. now he’s going to think you’re some kind of crazy-

“do i need an ulterior motive to love you?” renjun perks up from your claim, albeit a little shocked you’d assume that of him. your train of thought comes to a freeze, hearing him confront you about your concerns. wait, wait- let’s backtrack a little. did he just confess to liking, or rather loving, you too?

truthfully, that one sentence was all it took to leave you in a daze. you struggle for a moment to clear your mind, nodding your head as you anxiously reply. “most people have one when they do.” what were you even saying at this point? you didn’t really comprehend your own words either.

he takes a step forward. then one more, and another until he’s standing in front of you. his hand cups your cheek gently, radiating warmth — something you’ve grown to long for every time you weren’t in his presence. using his thumb to lightly swipe your bottom lip, he gets you to stop unconsciously nibbling on it from anxiety. “well, i’m not like most people. i’m in love with you, because it’s you.”

“because it’s me?” you mimic his words in a shaky sigh, “renjun, i don’t think you should be taking this on such a shallow level- i’m sure you… probably don’t like me that much. what’s there to like aside from my rich parents' money?”

“you’re kidding, right? why wouldn’t i like you when i’ve come to cherish every second we’re together because you always make my day brighter without even trying. even as we’re fighting right now, there’s still a part of me that’s happy because i can see you in front of me. this isn’t about money at all!”

“everyone values money one way or another, renjun! this isn’t just about the type of person i see you as.” you sputter out. you were still scared, scared to fall for someone who might actually like you, for you. his genuine love was unknown territory, and you didn’t know the first step on how to go about it.

“i won’t lie, money is valuable, but it’s not everything in life. there really are some things that money can’t buy.” he utters out slowly, wanting you to understand every word he speaks. “it certainly can’t buy you, no?”

you were left speechless because all renjun said was right. he knew the limits money had and understood that. money wasn’t everything, and it’ll never be able to buy someone’s true feelings. that was something you really needed to hear all your life. maybe you’d be less afraid to let people crash your walls down if you had come to terms with that earlier. maybe loving him would have been easier all this time.

“i- i’m sorry.” your words come out in a stutter, trying to hold yourself back from sobbing into his arms. “i’m sorry for thinking you were someone you weren’t. i just-”

“you don’t have to be sorry for anything. you had every right to question my intentions, okay? but from now on,” he starts, bringing his hands up to your already burning cheeks. “i’ll take care of you. i’ll make sure you know just how much you’re appreciated, not just by me, but by everyone around you too. i’ll make sure you know you’re loved.” his words flow out soothingly like a calm river, contrasting the harsh waves you had to deal with all your life.

“i’ll keep loving you for as long as you let me.” truly, at this moment, you know he feels like home, your home.

overwhelmed by emotion, you reach out for his embrace, and he extends his arms out wide as if it was first instinct. his arms that wrap around you radiate a comforting warmth, the hoodie he’s wearing smells a bit like his favorite mocha frappuccino, and his entire being has turned into something you were familiar to – you think you never want to go back to a life without him, and you don’t have to because he’s right here and he loves you.

looking up to get a glance at renjun, you see him being unable to contain his smile with the corners of his lips pulling up unconsciously. god, did you want to kiss his pretty lips. it all feels like dejavu – you were in the same predicament back then when you first met him except this time, you think you finally have the guts to act upon your thoughts.

just as you were about to lean in, you’re caught rather off guard by renjun beating you to it. you both always seem to have the same thoughts in mind as if you both understood each other without anything needing to be said. his lips slot perfectly against yours, and the tingly feeling has your stomach doing somersaults. eventually, you need to pull away for air, noticing how he was still chasing after your lips – yearning to lengthen the kiss.

“i was going to kiss you first, you know?” you bring up with flushed cheeks, reaching out to hug his chest because you were too shy to lock gazes.

renjun laughs softly at your confession, raising a hand to card his fingers through your hair. “i had a feeling you’d do that, so i went for it instead.”

“you really surprised me! i gathered up my courage and everything!” giggling at your own words, you finally felt complete.

as it turns out, those teen magazines weren’t phony at all. you just hadn’t met the right person back then, but that changed after you met renjun. emotions resemble a rollercoaster with all its ups and downs, however, you think you’ll continue the ride for as long as he’s with you.

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[dzpenumbra]

2/25/23

8. Fucking. Hours.

8 hours of screaming into the void. Why? Because I didn't drive my car enough over the pandemic. Because I relapsed into becoming a shut-in. And wasn't able to pull myself out of it. And my car suffered permanent damage because of it.

Just a simple car inspection, on my way to moving up north. Just another thing to check off the list. And they needed to "order a part" and set me up with a rental car "in the meantime". This was in mid-November. I don't even want to think about how expensive this is. And that price... that bill... that gets put on my shoulders. It's not the dealership that fucked over my family, that knew that I was moving, who I explicitly told that I was moving... I am the money drain. It's my fault.

So... I come to terms with going through the adjustments of not having a vehicle of my own, which hasn't been a thing since I was... 18? 17? So like... almost 20 years? I've never lived anywhere that has public transit without a car. This life is alien to me. But I'm willing to learn. I get told that's "dangerous", and "you don't have to do that, we're going to lease you a car." When I try to exercise some agency in what vehicle I will be acquiring, I am told that my preferences can be vetoed because "they're paying for it", and that I'm "spoiled". Here's the kicker, my preferences? I was trying to find an older used car. A cheaper one. I thought it would be easier to find. And the state is giving people pretty big credits for buying electric cars. Like... the majority of the changes I've been trying to make... are to save money. And increase the odds of acquiring a vehicle sooner. And I get suspected of being... greedy. Of taking advantage of the situation. It's fucking disgusting. It's so upsetting.

That was just the first few hours. We did a nice tour of my career again. Funny how that all keeps coming up, like I have to keep explaining exactly what purpose a creative person has in society. The word my mom keeps using is "value", what "value I'm creating for society". Thanks. Way to say the shit I make isn't "valuable enough". I don't "create enough value" for other people, definitely not that people don't appreciate and value me. Fucking backwards as shit. Good lord. It's so frustrating because she's clearly seeing the problem, but just translating it all backwards. Like "oh, I see people are treating you like shit and not appreciating the hard work you put in and talent you have, the obvious answer to this problem is that you have work harder and do better!" Fuck off. And that nasty voice in the back of my head is dancing around and clapping and yelling, "yes! Yes! See?! I told you! You're lazy! You're a talentless hack! You're a fake! Just fucking quit already!"

She broke me several times. The strain of it all. The wear of it all. I swear. The only thing that breaks her out of this shit when she gets locked in is me sounding authentically terrified or genuinely crying. Both of which happened several times today. It is deeply upsetting that it needs to get to that point, I need to feel so much pain or fear that I'm audibly incapacitated for her to stop. But hey, to her credit, at least she stops then. My dad and younger brother never have.

The whole situation still baffles me. It's like I keep forgetting that this is what my family is. And getting surprised when it goes wrong over and over. What do they call that... what did that therapist say a few years back... um.... Stockholm Syndrome, that's it. Yay.

And, as I said last night, if it weren't for the fact that I'd have to walk home alone in the dark 3 miles from the bus station in the snow as an alternative to this... Well... now that I'm thinking of it? Honestly, 3 miles isn't that bad. I mean, it sucks. It's rough. But I've done worse. The dark is not ideal, that part is the worst part, and it's really not optional, the busses only run at set times. But I can definitely do 3 miles in one day. I'm just not sure the industrial district of a city is a great place to be walking alone at night. I'm scared of that. I have PTSD. I get a bit unnerved just walking down my hallway sometimes.

It's a "rock and a hard place" situation. And my entire day was devoted to it. And it's just. Fuck man.

What the fuck happened to the happy times? I have no idea if the world outside of my horribly depressed/depressing family is even... celebrating shit anymore. It's like all it is is bitching and being afraid and predicting how everything is going to go wrong and trying to prevent that at any cost. No looking forward to things. No planning fun events. No excitement. No "I'm proud of you". Everything is doomsday all the fucking time. And it's just grown and grown over the decades, super slowly, so slowly that no one noticed.

And I just... I broke free of it like... 4-5 years ago. And my shitty toxic relationship too. The only "real" relationship I've ever been in. And I found myself. I found my childlike love of the world again. I found the beauty in sunsets and misty morning fog rising off my old pond. I found the bliss of walking barefoot on stony river shores with my dog, splashing and playing and searching for cool rocks to turn into jewelry or polish or carve. I found things that I loved and looked forward to again. I invited everyone I knew to this new life, including people from past lives, people I hadn't talked to in years. And they all... came down on me like I was "sick". Like "who the fuck are you? You changed. I'm concerned." And I said, "yeah, no shit I changed, I was a depressed sack of shit who hated the world and never left my house. Now I love the world and love life and want nothing more than to explore it and learn new things and love and play. Of course I changed." But they meant... "you changed."

I hate reliving this. I don't want to anymore. It's so damn depressing. I couldn't even get my mom excited to see her grandson today. I was trying to get her to give me a ride back to my home city, because she lives in the town where I need to drop off the car. And my theory was that she could come up and visit my brother and her grandson as that's happening. And she just... barely even gave it thought. She just went, "yeah, I could give you a ride, then sleep in your comfy chair thing, then head back the next day, sound good?" And I'm like... "um... are you really thinking this through before you offer it?" And, guess what? Another damn fight over that. I still would phrase it the same way. Seriously. She has two german shepherds. She's not going to like... try to get a dogsitter lined up first? She can't park in my parking lot... I have no idea where she would park overnight in the city. Just... didn't think about that. Is she prepared to spend the night in a beanbag chair? In someone else's house? In an apartment building? Does she think maybe that might be a bit... forward? To invite herself over like that? I don't think it's going to be all fun and games, but honestly, it's at very least worth discussing. And she just outright refused to discuss it in detail, just wanted a yes - or no, but... she wanted a "yes, thank you, you're the best."

Fuck me I'm exhausted.

I somehow managed to convey to her that I haven't even had enough time to figure out how I'm going to call the vet back to thank her for being so kind about my cat's death. And I think that hit her pretty hard, and I think it broke through whatever bullshit filter she put up. My tears pouring down my face surely sealed the deal. And she started to get it. She said something like... "wow, you've really been put through the wringer this year." And I said, "I just want a break, and some peace, that's all. I just want these problems to go away."

The car/transportation issue is the last big one; for a while, at least. It would help so much for me in getting out into the world and socializing again to have mobility... but I'm not dependent on it currently. I'll find a way. I'll adapt. I always do. But, at very least, I need to get rid of that god forsaken rental car. As soon. As fucking. Possible. It's a nice car, but it's an illusion of safety, an illusion of security. I can feel it in my bones. The first week of living in my apartment, I realized that my deadbolt wasn't actually latching... I was just sleeping with the door unlocked, when I thought it was locked. The rental car feels eerily similar to that.

My family is in a tremendous amount of pain, and they don't deal with it in the healthiest ways possible, but they do not deserve to be taken advantage of by some car dealership trying to cash out before big internet car delivery companies put them out of business. It's disgusting. Like... I'm seriously going to write up my experience as a review for this place. You fuckers know how much I love to write... XD

That was my entire day. Yoga, a "calm flow". Worked for a bit. Added a new pose to my dictionary. Then right into the phone call. After the call, around 10PM... made dinner. Refried beans and cheesy rice (with habanero ghost pepper jack cheese), avocado, fresh tomato and a cheese and green onion quesadilla. Very glad I decided to cook, it was very worth it. Topped it off with a little Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra, which was my favorite of the limited ice creams they had at my old grocery store where I grew up, second on the list was Strawberry Cheesecake. Watched MOONMOON play Hitman, which... I have mixed associations with. It was what I was watching on my last night with my cat. Which is bittersweet. Then I played a tiny bit of Noita and here I am.

I think I want to take some time to play or make some music tomorrow. To try to heal. I am... I feel like my will was really close to broken today. Like... I shouldn't have to cry for a fight to stop. I shouldn't be in a state of abject horror to the point where my mouth is trembling and that thing happens where you like... your chest gets really tight and compressed and you can barely get the breath out of your lungs to speak? Like it turns into a whisper and it's like you're really winded and gasping for breath or something? That thing? I get that in dreams sometimes. That happened today. It was fucked up.

But hey, check this out. I've been through all of this shit. Both of my girls dying. Moving. Alone. Being scammed by a car dealership. Constant fights. Pressured to quitting my life's purpose on a near-daily basis. And somehow, someway... after 18 years of it being my only coping mechanism... I'm still not smoking cigarettes. And I could buy them fucking anywhere. I am still not smoking cigarettes.

Is that a good thing?

I don't even know anymore. XD

I'm going to go to bed. Silver lining? The good in this all? I'll be honest, I'm struggling to see it. Maybe she'll remember who I am this time. Maybe she'll remember who she's talking to and what I'm dealing with, and remember that I'm not a spoiled brat teenager who wants a sports car or some shit. I'm a deeply traumatized 36 year old who is really struggling to function in society that is not built for him, who took on one of the hardest careers in a consumerist society, who is actively grieving the very recent loss of a very close loved one. And I just... I don't want any trouble, man. I just want to make cool pretty things, and write poetry and long-rambling stream-of-consciousness books like Jack Kerouac, and make powerful music, and tell meaningful stories, and share life-changing insights I've found in my journeys. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be popular, I don't want to take more than I need, I don't even want to ask. I just want to make cool shit and not bother anyone, and hopefully help others see how beautiful this life is, they way I do. To use my passion, and express my passion, in order to spark passion in others. In a world doused with the jaded, the uninterested, the doomscrollers who just hunger and hunger for more and more, faster and faster. My older brother watches youtube on 3x speed now... Like that. More. Faster. Now. Hungry. The zombie apocalypse. And in that world, I really hope I can play the role of someone who says, "holy shit, did you see that bird, that's absolutely incredible! Did you know they can hold their breath for 5 minutes underwater?! Like... not only can that bird fucking swim... but it can stay down there for longer than the length of a standard pop song." And hopefully someone will value that. (callback, zing)

So, I guess the silver lining... after everything I've been enduring... I can still see the point in sanding pieces of stone until they have a mirror shine. Making precious objects out of things people piss on. I can still see the point, and the value. It is deep in my heart, it's a "duh" kind of understanding. That is a miracle. And my work on this piece continues tomorrow. :)

[dreammiffygal]

hi! totally alive and not dead :)

guys im not dead im so sorry for my leave💔 ive been trying to work on myself and feeling way better, and I just wanted to leave a personal essay I have of mine that I wanted to share with everyone :) I might start back up with the oneshots, so I'd love some input in my inbox! here we go:

Lovesick and Lonely

Playlists, pictures, scenarios played in her head. The poor little lovesick girl who thinks that one day a special someone will pick her off her feet and make her feel like the most special person. She keeps moments in the little files of her head, thinking about how one day she’ll have it. The perfect relationship. She knows it doesn’t exist, but she wants it to happen. Pictures and videos of couples loving each other and simply making each other happy make her hopeless. Everyone else is happy but her. She feels as though she must work for it, and she is. Working on herself and making herself try and seem attractive to the people she feels would be the potential one. Last week, she even told herself she wouldn’t stop playing a certain song until she fell in love, just so the perfect song would be playing when she first contacted her special someone. She walks through the hallways of her school, hearing the song play as if it’s her background music, only really coming up when she makes eye contact with a potential person. It’s still playing, rapidly climbing up her most played songs of 2021, as told by the site she uses to check every chance she gets. It surpassed her second favorite song, which was also a failed attempt at finding the one. She knows she’s still young and she has her whole life ahead of her to find the certain someone, but she’s still desperate. She wants the attention, the comfort, the time, the memories, she wants it all. But there’s one tiny problem.

She discovered that she’s potentially aromantic. She was happy with the fact that she was pansexual, it described her perfectly. She didn’t have a preference; I mean why would she? She just wants someone to love her, anyone. Of course, people come in her life, wanting a relationship, but she seems to never have a connection. Her head always persuades her that they might be the one. But she always feels bad, simply because she doesn’t feel anything. She tries to convince herself that she might be in love, but her instincts say otherwise. “Why do you try and convince yourself? Are you that desperate for love?”, her fed up mind asks. She nods silently, holding her quiet heart, that only beats to keep her alive. It whispers, telling her deepest fantasies to the void, which she possibly won’t even come to life due to her own self. She stops herself from falling in love, not on purpose, it’s just her instinct. She doesn’t have any connection to anyone, or anything. She thinks she might sound a tad crazy, just cruising through life without ever growing an attachment to anything or anyone, but she’s okay with it.

But recently, she’s felt her heart pitter patter when she sees someone, and it’s weird. “Is this fake? Am I convincing myself?” her head yells questions that cannot yet be answered. Their personality is so kind, and she’s oh so oblivious to how she acts around them, at least she wants to think. When they laugh, her stomach quietly releases the smallest of butterflies tickling her insides. She feels a little self-conscious around them, fixing her hair and her little bit of makeup she wears every chance she gets. She only really talks to them in one class, but the conversations are so nice, and they even conversate about deeper meaningful things.

She’s content, not happy, but she’s getting there. The last year has been a bit hard on her, with her life being turned upside down.  She strayed her path, but she found the small road back to the main story. She knows that her heart will find the right one, and this time she’s not forcing herself on love. She wants to get to know the other person better. But first, she must find herself, and it might take some time. So, for now, she stands quietly, guarding the void and nurturing her heart, preparing it for the long journey ahead.

[suhmayzooka]

brooding batdad and his slightly more emotionally intelligent robins

"i don’t mind being a team with solo careers. in fact, i want it that way... maybe i’ll avoid what dick grayson went through—forced to leave just to find out who i am... so i don’t need to be at your side every time. just don’t freeze me out completely.”

“never.”

in this issue (batman #526) alfred comments that bruce has been working alone lately, and this is in the wake of knightfall so we’re all concerned with bruce overworking himself. bruce admits he’s still grieving jason 

and is concerned tim robin is a liability on the field (bruce: “maybe i’m still affected, being too cautious, but whether the problem is tim or me, robin can be a distraction”)  because crime’s getting more dangerous and he won’t lose another robin again dammit

turns out he knew tim was within earshot of this but since it’s so emotionally vulnerable he would rather discuss his deep feelings via facilitating tim’s eavesdropping instead of, like, talking to tim directly. of note this is like 10 issues after prodigal where the climax of that was dick and bruce's Moment

“i didn’t have the right to call you back” “...the right? i’d die for you, bruce.” (ಥ﹏ಥ) 

“but that’s the way it always is, isn’t it? between fathers and sons.” yeah okay this is like one of my favorite scenes ever and ive only been in this fandom for a few months and my heart’s skewered IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT DC

and then two of my other fav scenes of (1) dick yelling at bruce for making jason robin only for bruce to admit that he was lonely after dick left and (2) dick yelling at bruce after jason died only to get bruce’s fist in his face. 

(side note, yes obviously it is not good to hit your kids and i cringe whenever bruce lifts a hand to hit them but he’s very distressed and the grief the pain the angst the hurt it’s so RAW this is why people like soap operas, we want DRAMA. unless the comic’s written by one of the... less good writers... there’s narrative reason for bruce to hit his kids. i won’t get into where i stand on the “is bruce an abusive father” discourse)

back to batman 526, ofc a few pages later batman and robin defeat the bad guys and tim takes the initiative on the ride home to tell bruce his feelings

god i love this family the robins are so integral to bruce as a character and as a person, they force him into these uncomfortable Emotionally Vulnerable moments where he has to admit that he has feelings. honestly i think bruce wouldve died a few years into the job without robin but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

there’s the constant pattern of bruce acting out like this, pushing the robins away out of his own grief and fear and pain, and it’s especially explicit here with him quietly trying to keep tim away because he’s not over jason, and never will be. it’s just something i find interesting about bruce’s character—pushing people away not because he’s the cold brooding bat but because he’s scared to lose them. it's all trauma

i do appreciate tim flat out stating that he’s fine working more as a team with individual solo careers—that’s how i personally see and prefer the batfamily, rather than one group that has to be together for every case 24/7, but to each their own

anyway i have no thesis or anything, it’s like 10pm and i just finished class and wanted to vomit my bat feelings into the tumblr void

[saphirered]

We've all seen fics where Caleb's SO dies and gets resurrected, and we seen Caleb accidentally hurting his SO, but what about Caleb accidentially killing his SO? Maybe Reader got burned by one of his fire attacks? The revival's successful, but damn, the angst.

Angst was requested and angst you shall receive. I hope this is to your liking. 😘

Trigger warning for death and grief themes.

Caleb sits on his knees, head bowed, whispering pleas in Zemnian to the gods, the world, to you, your cold hand encased between his own, occasionally pressing a kiss to it in the hopes you’d just wake up. But you’re not going to wake up. Not in the way you would in the morning when you’ve had a particularly late night and Caleb has to drag you out of bed, you being stubborn or pretending to still be asleep so you maybe could convince him to join you for a little more. Not in the way after you got knocked out in a fight, when you sit up and rub your eyes with a grunt like usual. Nothing within his capabilities will wake you up.

So here Caleb sits, begging for it to be a nightmare, some sick and twisted tricks played on his mind but there’s no denying this is real and this is the truth. You’re dead. You’re dead and it’s his fault. You ended up as collateral damage in his reckless attempt to kill the creature. You got stuck in the crossfire of that. He hadn’t realised you were doing so bad already, you even sent him a wink right before when he asked if you were okay. Why did you? Why didn’t you just tell him you weren’t? Why did you lie? Not lie, omitted the truth.

He knew exactly why you did it but that doesn’t make it any easier. You’d known the other’s weren’t doing great and barely holding on already. You were severely outmatched and couldn’t get away from the creature. Not without it chasing after you and running you in an even more perilous situation. Anything Caleb could do would affect anyone close to the creature. With Yasha having dragged Beau out of the fray you were the only one left to hold it at bay while the clerics worked on patching them up, Fjord and Veth offering them cover. You were the final line of defence. At the end of the day you had to keep the clerics alive.

Caleb took a calculated risk. A fireball to send the creature dropping into the ruined depths of Aeor. He had tried to keep you out of the range but wouldn’t have been able to strike the creature without putting you at risk. The spell worked and the creature got hit with full force. It was your attack right before the fireball struck that had send it stumbling, then with the blast, it lost its footing and stumbled off the edge.

But you too, dropped. and when you did, the creature’s tail lashed out, grabbing onto your body, dragging you with it. The creature had hit the platform below in its fall and the impact had made it release you, saving you from the full drop. Caleb had rushed to the edge, fear, pain, anger and guilt riddling his mind thinking he had truly lost you but there you were, bloodied, bruised, broken and burned. Because of him. All because of him. How could he have been so stupid and reckless. When he brought your body back to the others, he wasn’t quick enough. You’d already faded into the cold embrace of the Raven Queen and the clerics had expended their last resources.

So that leaves Caleb here, sitting at your side a day after you died, body preserved by the graces of Caduceus and the Wildmother. The clerics set up their ritual, working around him and you as the others help where they can. Beau and Veth had tried to console him, tell him it wasn’t his fault and if he hadn’t they might all have been dead right now. He appreciates his friends trying but it’s of no use. He already made up his mind and it’s not going to change anything. You died because of him. He murdered you and how is that any different than his actions in the past? How does that make him any different than the lives he’s taken in the clutches of his former mentor? Is there truly no redemption for him? You’d slap him for even thinking that way.

“Mr. Caleb? Why don’t you try talking to them? Persuasion has worked in the past to coax someone back.” Caduceus places a hand on the wizard’s shoulder but it barely registers. Yet the firbolg knows they did not fall upon deaf ears when the whispers stop for just a moment.

“I-. I do not think they’d want to hear from their murderer.” Speaking the words make them so much more painful. By the looks of it, Beau is ready to unleash in a degrading rant about how wrong Caleb is, breaking him apart only build him back up but she’s held at bay by Yasha. This is not the time and place. Caduceus doesn’t claim to know what Caleb’s going through, nor may he be the brightest mind here but he understands and can empathise.

“I know no matter what I say it won’t change your feelings so instead I will offer you this. You owe it to them to try. Not for what happened here but for the countless times they’ve been there for you, have had your back, and for the unconditional love they’ve given you. You owe them to try.” The wizard looks up over his shoulder to the firbolg, pain in his eyes, and the trails of silent tears that have long since run out. Caduceus is right. He owes it to you to save you and right now it is within his power to try. If he doesn’t, if he fails he’ll have condemned you to this fate. If he succeeds with this part, he’ll be able to look into your eyes again. You may never forgive him but he hopes to see you smile, hear your voice even if just once more.

Caleb nods looking back at you, bringing your limp fingers up to his lips and pressing them against your knuckles. He takes in a deep breath and tries to find the right words as Caduceus steps back. What are the right words? He cannot afford to fuck this up. He cannot afford to fail. He must succeed. He must.

“I know I might be the last person you want to hear right now. I want you to know I’m sorry-“ Caleb’s voice cracks as he feels the eyes of the others on him. He brushes some of your hair away from your forehead, running his thumb across your cheek.

“I don’t-uh. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I can do this. You’re always here for me during difficult times. You’d put your hand on my cheek and tell me ‘If anyone can do it it’s you, Caleb Widogast. You could move mountains if you set your will to it. Now stop being stubborn before I slap some sense in you.’ but now you’re not here to tell me that. You’ve shown me there’s a world beyond the walls I put up, that there is a light at the end of that tunnel, but now I cannot help but feel the world has grown dull, the walls are caving in, and that light is fading.”

“I have no right, no right to ask you this, but I need you to save my world one more time. So please, I beg of you. Do not leave me to brave this world without you.” The weight of his heart heavy on his conscious. Caleb feels a pressure causing a ringing in his ears. He’s so focussed on you, he cannot take his eyes off you. Not even when the others do their part in the ritual. He realises this pressure is coming from the effects of the spell to bring you back. He holds his breath, not daring to take in oxygen if only to savour the moment, hoping it will not pass, that for just a little longer he can hold on to the hope you’re coming back instead of having that hope crushed by a potential failure.

The pressure fades but nothing happens. Nothing changes. It’s silent as everyone waits for something, anything to happen. That moment alone feels like an eternity of suspense. Caleb finds himself whispering prayers and pleas in Zemnian again, your hand clasped between his own as he squeezes his eyes shut tightly to live through the memories of you, preserve them for the rest of his life just in case because he refuses to forget even a single one of them. He’s so consumed in his own mind he doesn’t notice warmth returning to your fingers. He doesn’t notice your chest beginning to rise and fall. Caleb’s pleas continue.

“Would you mind translating that? I think my brain got a bit scrambled.” Caleb freezes and his eyes open. Your eyes are closed but your brow is furrowed. Furrowed in discomfort. Not sleeping and not void of your usual expressions. Colour has returned to your limbs and face and no longer dulled. Caleb falls silent in disbelief, frozen in place and mind blank.

“Caleb?” You speak his name, peaking through one eye to see the wizard in his disheveled state. You sit up, grunting in pain. Apparently being brought back from the dead isn’t kind on your physical form, not even mentioning the exhaustion weighing on your mind. You could sleep for a couple of hours… or days… or weeks… You could do with a break really. All of you could. You nudge Caleb’s head up by his chin allowing your fingers to slide onto his cheek.

“Blink twice if you need me to get Beauregard to slap you back into reality.” You muster a smile as you brush your thumb over his cheekbone. Caleb doesn’t understand how you’re not recoiling in disgust or lashing back in anger. He doesn’t understand how you can look at him with love and kindness.

“I’m so sorry. Please-“ Caleb goes off in a spur of apologies, begging for your forgiveness.

“Caleb, I love you but you really need to stop. This is a problem for another day.”

“You died. I killed you. How can you even look at me like you do?”

“So what? I died. I’m here now. I got better. Now preferably I’d like to not die again, some things are beyond our control. And if you need some kind of reassurance; Veth killed Cad that one time and he doesn’t hate her.” Veth yells a ‘hey’ in defence while you earn a chuckle from the firbolg. You know Caleb isn’t just going to take your word for it and you’re also not going to make anyone buy you’re totally okay with just dying and being brought back to life because you’re not but you also know that you can’t blame Caleb for being a factor in what happened when you yourself were aware of the risks of the situation you were in. You made your own bet and it didn’t pay off but all your friends are still alive and well, Caleb’s still alive and well and that alone makes it worth the risk you took.

“You have no idea how much I love you.” Caleb breathes as he pulls you into his arms with a gentleness as if you’re made of porcelain, or will fade out of existence if he holds on too tightly.

“I think I have a pretty good estimate but we can compare notes later if you’d prefer.” You pull back enough to look at Caleb’s face, brush aside some of the red strands and softly place your lips on his. It’s not a heated kiss but one filled with emotion and a desperation no less. Neither of you thought you’d get to be in each other’s arms again but here you are despite everything. Maybe your work here isn’t done yet. You still got some asses to kick.

[coal15]

Do I think Buck and TayKay are headed for a big argument leading to a break up? Yes. However, I kinda think the argument part will settle down into a discussion leading to (and to be clear, I don't be thrilled about this) a mutual break up. Y'know all weepy and dewy-eyed. A 'we both screwed up and there's no taking it back so it's over' conversation ending with maudlin goodbyes. Why do I think it will go this way? Because Tim had such a huge boner for Taylor and the 'reporter angle' idea that I don't think he'll send her away on a sour note. I just hope before the dust settles and the dewy-eyes happen that we do get to see an Angry Buck not sugar coating his feelings or being swayed by the inevitable "reporting news is my job" defense.

I am 99.9% certain the breakup will happen. My .01% of doubt is only because heteronormativity means a male lead MUST have a female endgame unless he's been previously established as queer, and also Tim's afformentioned 'reporter angle' boner. Yes, at this point in would be be stupid of him to cling to bt, but there is always that .01% chance especially given the man's arrogance when it comes to his storytelling choices.

The thing is, even setting aside the argument about whose breach of trust was worse, there was a breach of trust On. Both. Sides. Now, a couple that is genuinely in love can work through and repair even serious damage and get back to a good, healthy place--but if they were never in a healthy place to begin with? If the relationship has only gotten so far because they both have voids in their life? If their main motivation for staying together is just to avoid admitting failure? . . . They won't have it in them to do that work. It's too much. Too draining. Which means Taylor would be stuck with a boyfriend she can never fully trust not to stray again. And Buck will be stuck with a girlfriend he can't talk to about sensitive and/or mysterious cases at work because he'll never fully trust her not to exploit the information for her career.

So yeah, I'm still rooting for loud and explosive. I do still wanna see Angry Buck. I want him to spell/yell out what kind of damage she might have done and why it was so unethical. From Taylor I think we'll either get a half-assed 'I'm sorry I did it but let me explain . . .' type of apology or (and this is what I would prefer) a total refusal to admit she was fully wrong. For her to take the stance that it was unfortunate she had to use 'off the record' information, but he needs to understand that reporters are in constant competition, so when there's a juicy news story out there, getting the best headline turns into a no-holds-barred bloodsport. I feel like it would be true to her character to feel kinda bad but dig her heels in on insisting it would have been stupid of her to not use the inside info she had in her pocket.

Basically I need the confrontation to make their core incompatibility GLARINGLY OBVIOUS to any locals who may only see things on a surface level. As long as that happens, I guess I can stomach a mutual breakup. Just please sweet gods LET IT END!

[itsclydebitches]

The Bad Batch: A Crosshair Analysis

Hello, Star Wars fandom! I have just completed watching—and loving—The Bad Batch, which you know means I now need to dump all my thoughts about the first season into the tumblr void. Specifically, thoughts on the complicated drama that is Crosshair. I have no doubt that the majority of what I’m about to say will be old news to anyone who watched the show when it came out (I’m slow...), but I’m writing it all out anyway. Largely for my own sanity enjoyment :D

I want to preface all of this by saying that the above is not an exaggeration. I love the show and I love the entire cast. My enjoyment in each of the characters is directly connected to my enjoyment of the season as a whole, which I say because I’m about to get pretty critical towards some of the characters’ choices and, to a lesser extent, the writing choices that surround those. Does this mean I secretly hate The Bad Batch? Quite the opposite. I’m invested, which is presumably just what Filoni wants. I’m just hoping that investment pays off. 

But enough of the disclaimers. Let’s start with the matter of the inhibitor chip. I’ve seen fans take some pretty hard stances on both sides: Crosshair is completely innocent because he’s definitely been under the chip’s control this whole time, no matter what he might say. Crosshair is completely guilty because he said the chip was removed a long time ago and he chose to do all this, no moral wiggle room allowed. However, the reality is that we don’t know enough to make a clear call either way. The audience, simply put, does not have all the necessary information. What we have instead is a couple of facts combined with claims that may or may not be reliable. Let’s lay them out:

Crosshair was definitely under the chip’s control at the start of the series.

He was able to resist it to a certain extent, resulting in a pressure to obey orders coupled with a primary loyalty to his squad. See: telling Hunter to follow the Empire’s commands—which includes killing kid Padawans—but not turning his team in as traitors when they did not. It’s an in-between space.

Crosshair’s chip was then amplified to an unknown extent. I’m never going to claim I’m a Star Wars aficionado—I’m a casual fan, friends. Please don’t yell at me over obscure lore lol—but within TBB’s canon, no one else is undergoing that experimentation. The effects of this are entirely unknown, which includes Crosshair’s free will, or lack thereof.

Crosshair then becomes a clear tool of the Empire, hunting down innocents, killing on a whim, the whole, evil shebang.

In “Reunion” he’s caught by the engine and suffers severe burns to his face. One leaves a scar that covers precisely the place where the chip would have been extracted.

Removing the chip leaves its own scar behind. If Crosshair’s was removed, we can’t see that scar due to the burn.

After these events Crosshair seems to mellow a bit. He does horrible things under the Empire’s orders—like shooting the senator—but is still loyal to his squad—killing his non-clone teammates to give TBB a chance, saving AZ and Omega, etc.

Crosshair claims that his chip has already been removed. However, Crosshair is arguably an unreliable source if he’s been lied to or if the chip is still there, encouraging him to manipulate the team.

Crosshair claims it was removed a long time ago, which is incredibly imprecise. As we can see from just some of the events listed above, precisely when the chip came out—if it came out—makes a huge difference.

Hunter realizes this and presses for clarification, but Crosshair dodges giving it. Again, a legitimate belief that it doesn’t matter, or evidence that he can’t say because something else is going on? We don’t know.

Hunter checks Crosshair’s head and finds the burn scar which proves… nothing. As stated above, they wouldn’t be able to see the surgery scar one way or another: its existence or its absence. It’s useless data, as Tech might say. I’ve seen a few fans claim that Hunter was also feeling for the chip with his enhanced senses, but 1. I didn’t catch any evidence of that in the scene and 2. Even if we assume Hunter did that anyway, the chips are notoriously hard to spot. Fives and AZ couldn’t find the chip at first when examining Tup. Ahsoka had to use the force to find it in Rex. TBB themselves couldn’t find it at first in Wrecker. If machinery consistently fails to find the chip on the first couple of tries—it’s meant to be a hidden implant, after all—why would we believe Hunter’s senses could pick it up instantly? Maybe he missed it, or maybe it wasn’t there at all. 

Crosshair appears to be struggling with a headache in the finale, just as he was at the beginning of the season and just like Wrecker was for the first half.

The point of listing all this out is to emphasize how ambiguous this whole situation is. I don’t want to use this post to argue one way or another about whether Crosshair’s chip is really out. I have my preferred theory (the chip’s still in, but only partially functional), but at the end of the day none of this is conclusive. The writing takes us in what I hope is deliberate circles. Crosshair says the chip is out? Crosshair is not a reliable source of information until we know if the chip is out. What other evidence is there that the chip is gone? A scar? We can’t see if there’s a scar. Hunter’s abilities? He only checked once for a canonically hard to find implant—if he actually checked at all. And why would the Empire want the chip out? Well, maybe it has to do with that push towards willing soldiers, but if that were the case, why leave Crosshair behind and have the “clones die together”? By that point he was one of the most willing, chip or not. Did they have to take it out because of the engine accident? Pure speculation. We just don’t know and THAT is the point I want to make.

Because it means the rest of the Bad Batch didn’t know either.

The core issue I have here is not whether the chip is in or out, or even how long it may have been in if it is out now. The issue is that TBB spent 99% of the first season believing that Crosshair was under the chip’s influence… and they didn’t try to do anything about that. They abandoned him. They left a man behind. Does this make them all horrible monsters? Of course not! This shit is complicated as hell, but I do think they made a very large mistake and that Crosshair has every right to be furious about it.

“But, Clyde, they couldn’t have gone back. It was too dangerous! Hunter had a duty to his whole team, not just Crosshair.” True enough and I’d buy this argument 100% if Hunter hadn’t spent the entire season throwing his team into dangerous, seemingly impossible situations to save other people. Crosshair became the exception, not a hard rule of something they had to avoid. They went back to Kamino for Omega, a kid they’d only had one lunch with, despite knowing how dangerous the Empire was. They went into the heart of an occupied planet to rescue not just a stranger, but one belonging to the Separatist government. They helped Sid when she asked and there was plenty of compassion for the criminal trying to take her place. Most significantly, there wasn’t the slightest hesitation to go rescue Hunter when he was under the Empire’s control, in precisely the same place. Every explanation I’ve seen fans come up with—Kamino is too fortified, they don’t know where Crosshair is, they can’t risk Omega being captured, etc.—also holds true for Hunter, yet there wasn’t a second of doubt about needing to at least try to help him. And his rescue was arguably far more dangerous given that TBB knew they were walking into a trap. Going after Crosshair would have at least had some element of surprise.

I think the problem with these justifications is most easily seen in “Rescue on Ryloth” and, later, “War-Mantle.” In the former, we do watch Hunter decide that going on a rescue mission is too much of a risk, only for Omega to talk him into considering it.

Hunter: “It’s a big galaxy. We can’t put ourselves on the line every time someone’s in trouble.”

Omega: “Why not? Isn’t that what soldiers do?”

Hunter: “It’s not worth the risk.”

Omega: “She’s trying to save her family, Hunter. I’d do the same for you.”

The arguments that sway him are ‘Soldiers should help people’ and ‘Soldiers should specifically help their family.’ So… what does that say about their feelings for Crosshair? They’re willing to put themselves on the line for the parents of a girl they met once at a drop site, but not their own brother? That’s the message the writing sends. “But, Clyde, the difference is that they had an advantage here. Hera’s knowledge of her home planet tipped the odds in their favor.” Yeah… and Crosshair is stationed on TBB’s home planet. Even more than them collectively having the same knowledge that Hera does, “Return to Kamino” reveals that Omega always had additional, insider knowledge of the base: she has access to a secret landing pad and the tunnels leading up into the city. That knowledge was given and used the second Hunter’s freedom was on the line, but it never once came up to use for Crosshair’s benefit. 

“War-Mantle’s” mission puts this problem in even sharper relief. Another claim I’ve seen a lot is that TBB only took risky rescue missions because they needed to be paid. The guys have got to eat after all. Yet Tech makes it clear that going after Gregor will lose them money. They’re meant to be on a mission for Sid and deviating for that won’t result in a payment. He explicitly says that if they decide to do this, they won’t eat. They do it anyway. No money, no intel, a huge risk “on a clone we don’t even know.” But that’s not what’s important, the show says. All that matters is that a brother is in trouble. This time it’s Echo pushing that message instead of Omega. When Hunter realizes that they’re about to try and infiltrate an entire facility and they don’t even know if this clone is still alive, Echo points out that they took that risk once before: for him. “If there’s a chance that trooper is being held against his will, we have to try and get him out.”

Yes! Exactly right! So why doesn’t that apply to Crosshair?

“Because he tried to kill them, Clyde!” No, that’s the easy, dismissive answer. A chipped Crosshair tried to kill them. AKA, a Crosshair entirely under the Empire’s control. The only difference between his enslavement and Gregor’s is that Gregor’s chains were physical while Crosshair’s were mental. And again, the point of everything at the start of this post is to show that no one knows when or even if that chip was removed. TBB definitely didn’t have any reason to suspect that Crosshair was working under his own power until Crosshair himself said as much. We might have been able to make that case at the start of the season, but “Battle Scars” removes any possible confusion. The entire team watched Rex reach for his blaster when he learned their chips were still in. The entire team watched Wrecker become a totally different person and attack them, just like Crosshair did. The entire team forgave him instantly and had their own chips removed. So why in the world didn’t anyone go, “Wow, Crosshair has a chip too. He was no more responsible for attacking us than Wrecker was. We need to try to get him out, no matter how hard that might be, just like we had to try for all these other people we’ve helped.”

But they didn’t. No one even considered rescuing Crosshair. They only went back for Hunter and, when they realized Crosshair was there too, they didn’t change their plans to try and rescue him as well. He’s treated as a particularly threatening inconvenience, not another team member in need of their help.

The problem I have with how this all went down is that the team treated Crosshair like an enemy despite all evidence to the contrary. Despite Omega outright saying that this isn’t his fault, it’s the chip, the group seems to decide that he’s gone crazy or something and that there’s nothing they can do. “It’s fine,” I thought. “They don’t really get what the chip is like yet. They don’t understand how thoroughly it controls someone.” But then “Battle Scars” arrives and Wrecker is treated with such compassion (which he deserves!) only for the group to continue acting like Crosshair is somehow different. It’s easy to say, “But Crosshair shot Wrecker” and ignore the easy pushback of, “and Wrecker nearly shot Omega.” Up until Crosshair’s own accusations and Omega’s ignored comments, TBB’s understanding of the chip’s influence and the lack of responsibility that accompanies mysteriously disappears when the show’s antagonist becomes the subject of conversation. This is seen most clearly in how Hunter tries to frame things during his talk with Crosshair:

“You tried to kill us. We didn’t have a choice.”

“Can’t you see that they’re using you? It’s that inhibitor chip in your head.”

“You really don’t get who we are, do you?”

Hunter mentions the chip, but he acts as if it’s Crosshair’s responsibility to overcome it: “Can’t you see…” Of course he can’t see, that’s the entire point of the chip, the thing he currently believes Crosshair still has stuck in his head. But Hunter and the others—with Omega as a wonderful exception—never seem to have accepted this like they did for Wrecker. When Crosshair “tried to kill us” it’s seen as a deliberate act that he chose, not something forced on him like with Wrecker. When Hunter talks about their ethics, he subconsciously separates the team from Crosshair: “You really don’t get who we are, do you?”, revealing a pretty ingrained divide between them. Even Wrecker gets in on the action, the one brother who truly understands how much the chip controls someone: “All that time, you didn’t even try to come back.” What part of he couldn’t try is not hitting home here? Again, for the purposes of this conversation it doesn’t matter whether Crosshair was chipped this whole time or not. The point is that TBB believed he was chipped… and yet still expected him to somehow, magically overcome that programming, writing him off when he failed to do that. He’s consistently held responsible for actions that they were told (and, through Wrecker, saw) were completely outside of his control. Even when we factor in his claim that the chip was removed, TBB has ignored all the evidence I listed at the start. No one, not even Omega, challenges this super vague and strange claim, or seeks out proof because they don’t want to believe that their brother could willingly do this. There’s just this... acceptance that of course Crosshair went bad. Why? Because he was an asshole sometimes? Taking it all as written, it doesn’t feel like the batch considered him a true part of the team. Certainly not like Wrecker or Hunter. As shown, the batch will go out of their way, risk anything, forgive anything, for them. They have a level of faith that was never shown to Crosshair. 

“Severe and unyielding,” Tech says and he’s absolutely right, but I’d seriously challenge this idea that any of the others would have automatically done better if the situations were reversed. It stood out to me that each batch member has a moment of doubt throughout the series, a brief glimpse into how they think the Empire isn’t that bad, at least when it comes to this particular thing. Basically, a moment that could lead to a very dangerous line of thinking without others to stomp it down. Wrecker announces that he’s happy working for whoever, provided they give him food and let him blow things up. Tech finds the chain codes to be an ingenious strategy and is clearly fascinated with their development. Hunter initially wants Omega to stay on Kamino, despite knowing that this Empire has already, systematically killed an entire group of people: the Jedi. Doesn’t matter. She’s still (supposedly) safer there than she would be running with the likes of them.

There’s absolutely no doubt that those three made the correct choice in defying the Empire, but I believe that their ability to make that choice is largely dependent on them having each other. They survive together, not apart, and it’s their unity that allows them to make the really hard calls, like setting out on their own and opposing such a formidable force. But if Tech’s chip had activated and he’d been left behind, would he have muscled through to escape somehow...or would he have gotten caught up in all the new technology the Empire offered him, succumbing to both his chip and the inevitability that if his squad no longer wanted him, why not stay? Would Wrecker have escaped, or been easily manipulated into a new life of exploding things? Would Hunter have been able to push through without his brothers, or would he have become devoted to a new team to lead? Obviously there’s no way to ever know, but it’s always easier to make the right decisions when you have support in doing so. Crosshair had no support. His team left him and yes, they had to in that specific moment, but the point is that they never came back. As far as we saw throughout the season, they never planned to come back. They all talk about loving the Crosshair who existed when life was easier, but they weren’t willing to fight for the Crosshair that most needed their help. When he says “You weren’t loyal to me,” he’s absolutely right. The same episode, “Return to Kamino,” gives Omega two powerful lines that the group rallies behind:

Omega: “[The danger] doesn’t matter. Saving Hunter is what matters.”

AZ: “You must leave.”

Omega: “Not without Hunter.”

The key word there is “Hunter.” Danger, stakes, risk, probability… none of that matters when Hunter needs help. Crosshair did not receive that same level of devotion.

Which creates a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. The group is upset that Crosshair isn’t rejoining them, but they fail to realize that he has no reason to trust them anymore. He’s not joining the Empire because he’s inherently evil and that’s that, end of discussion. He’s joining it because above all Crosshair wants a place to belong… and TBB has made it clear—unintentionally—that he does not belong with them. The horrible actions that Crosshair took under his own free will (theoretically) came after he realized that doing bad things while under the Empire’s control was, apparently, unforgivable. If it wasn’t, his team would have come back to rescue him. They could have at least tried. But they didn’t, so Crosshair is left with the conclusion that either what he did under the Empire’s control is something the group can’t forgive him for, or they can forgive that (like with Wrecker) and he’s the problem here. He’s the one not worth that effort.

“The Empire will be fazing out clones next,” Hunter says. To which Crosshair responds, “Not the ones that matter.”

He wants to matter to someone and events show he no longer matters to his brothers. So why not stay with the Empire? I mean, we as the audience ABSOLUTELY know why not. Self-doubt and feelings of isolation aren’t excuses for joining the Super Evil Organization. Crosshair, if he is under his own control, is still 100% in the wrong for supporting them, no matter his reasons. So it’s not an excuse, but rather an explanation of that very human, flawed, fallible thinking. He needs to be useful. He needs to be wanted. Crosshair is an absolute dick to the regs and I have no doubt that a lot of that stems from the harassment TBB has experienced from them (with a side of his inflated ego), but I’d bet it’s also due to Crosshair’s intense desire to be valuable to someone. He keeps pointing out the regs’ supposed deficiencies because it highlights his own usefulness. When Crosshair fails to find Hera, the Admiral says that soon he’ll get someone who can, looking straight at Howzer at the door. It makes Crosshair seethe because his entire identity is based on being useful, yet no one seems to need him anymore. TBB seems to no longer want him. The Empire no longer wants clones. Now even regs are considered a better option than him, the “superior” soldier. Everywhere Crosshair turns he’s getting the message that he’s not wanted, but he’ll keep fighting to at least be needed in some capacity, no matter how small. Even if that means overlooking all the horrors the Empire commits.

“All you’ll ever be to [the Empire] is a number,” Hunter says and he’s absolutely right. But to TBB recently, Crosshair hasn’t even been that. He’s been nothing. Nobody worth coming back for. To his mind, at least being a number is something.

I hope that all of this resolves itself into a conclusion that is kind to each side (preferably without a Vader-style death redemption), especially given the still ambiguous state of the chip, but from a writing standpoint I’m admittedly a bit wary. We’re obviously meant to believe that the batch all love each other, but as established throughout this entirely too long post, this season did a terrible job imo of proving that they love Crosshair. Or, at least, proving that they love him as much as the others. If this was really meant to be just a matter of miscommunication, with Crosshair making terrible life choices because he only thinks he was abandoned, then we as the audience would have seen the batch trying and failing to get him out. Or at least establishing a very good reason why they couldn’t take that risk, hopefully with entirely different side-missions so the audience isn’t constantly going, “So you can risk everything for Gregor... but not Crosshair?” I’m VERY glad that Crosshair was allowed to air his grievances to the extent he did, but the end result of that—Hunter continually denying this, Omega walking away from him in their rooms, neither Tech nor Wrecker actually sticking up for him and acknowledging the chip’s influence during at least some of all this—is making things feel rather one-sided. It’s like we’re meant to take Crosshair at his word and accept that he’s this garden-variety antagonist who joins the Empire because yay being on the winning side… despite all these complications that clearly have a huge impact on how we read the situation. It doesn’t help that the show has already embraced an inconsistent manner of portraying chipped-clones. We know every clone has one, we know only a couple clones are aware of the chip’s existence (and can thus try to get it out), we know they enter a “Good soldiers follow orders” mindlessness once activated… yet towards the end we see a lot of side character clones thinking for themselves. Howzer decides that he’s no longer loyal to the Empire, giving a speech where a couple other clones throw down their weapons too. Gregor was arrested because he likewise realized how wrong this all was. But how is that possible? Do the chips completely control the clones, or not? Are these clones somehow exceptions? Are the chips beginning to fail? All of that has a bearing on how we read Crosshair—what were his own decisions, how much he was capable of overcoming the chip, whether that changed at all during certain points—but right now that remains really unclear.

It’s details like that which make me wonder if all these other questions will be answered. Will the story resolve all those ambiguous moments surrounding the chip, or brush them off with the belief that we should have just taken Crosshair at his equally ambiguous word? Will the story acknowledge Crosshair’s points through someone other than Crosshair, allowing it to exist as a legitimate criticism, rather than the presumed excuses of an antagonist? I’m… not sure. On the whole I’m very happy with TBB’s writing—despite what all this might imply lol. Until my brain picks over the season and discovers something else, my only other gripe is not allowing Omega to form a solid bond with Tech and Echo, instead putting all the focus on big brother!Wrecker and dad!Hunter. I think it’s a solid show that does a lot right, but I’m worried that, unless there’s a brilliant answer to all these questions and an intent to unpack both sides of the Hunter vs. Crosshair debate with respect—not just falling back on, “Well, Crosshair is with the Empire so everything he says is automatically bad and wrong” take—we’ve just gotten the setup for a somewhat messy, ethical story. For anyone here who also reads my RWBY metas, I’m pretty sure you’re not at all surprised that I’m invested in going, “Hey, you had one of the heroes suddenly become/join a dictatorship and do a lot of horrific things, but within a pretty complicated context. Can we please work through that carefully and with an acknowledgement of the nuance here, rather than throwing the ‘evil’ character to the proverbial wolves?”  

God knows TBB is leagues ahead of RWBY, but I hope things continue on in not just a good direction, but one that tackles the aspects of this situation that many fans—and Crosshair—have already pointed out. As much as I adore the cast—and I really, really do—it was discomforting to watch a found family show where 4/5th of that family so completely wrote off one of the members and crucially have, at least so far, refused to acknowledge that. I want complicated, flawed characters, but that’s only compelling when the storytelling admits to and grapples with those flaws. We have quite firmly established Crosshair’s flaws in Season One. I hope Season Two delves into the rest of the team’s too.

Aaaand with that meta-dump out of my system, I’m off to write TBB fic. Thanks for reading! :D

[cdroloisms]

Sooo... how about that reveal that c!Sam wasn’t feeding c!Dream? I mean, we all knew it was coming, but still. The auto food dispenser probably broke or smtg bc when c!Sam came down, c!Dream asked if he was there to give them potatoes. (Also with him being shaken up by learning c!Tommy is alive, c!Sam might not remember or care to feed c!Dream, who has none of his stores of potatoes left.) So, assuming the dispenser is broken and he doesn’t know, why would he come down in the first place? 🟩⛏?

hello anon !! yeah that reveal ,, dang, we already knew that c!sam had presumably been starving c!dream, but to see not only c!dream but c!sam confirm it as well as it having lasted AT LEAST a week ,, d a n g . they are Not pulling any punches in this arc (which, i mean, judging on the q stream, isnt exactly surprising anymore,, but still)

in the prison guard stream, we see how the dispenser works - it’s not automatic as much as it’s remote, as c!sam or the prison guards still need to press a button in order to dispense food. he also says “i havent even been around to feed the prisoner” or something along those lines in tommy’s stream, so we can conclude that the decision to deprive c!dream of food after c!tommy’s death is INTENTIONAL,, which i mean. again. yikes. 

anyway, here’s a snippet of c!dream finding out that the “automatic” feeder isnt as automatic as he might’ve thought - here, the dispenser + crying obsidian are installed at around the same time, so it’s between bad and sapnap’s visit

tw: starvation, disordered eating, abuse, mental illness, self-hatred, toxic relationship, gaslighting, disturbing imagery, dark content, c!sam/warden!sam critical (again, be careful with the content warnings)

Dream stares up at the hole in the obsidian, barely able to make out a glint of metal in the dark chute. The dispenser, just as expected, doesn’t respond to his glare, refuses to whir and click in the way that indicates food, and Dream bites his tongue, mumbles curses under his breath.

“Prick,” he blows a breath through his gritted teeth, only more irrationally angry when the dispenser, as expected, ignores him. “Some automatic dispenser, Warden.”

The walls don’t respond. Nothing responds, here, besides the dark dark thoughts swirling in his brain, and he thinks he’d prefer it if those didn’t - or maybe he doesn’t, because company is company, even if said company is the same litany of blood anger revenge pain you deserve this you deserve all of this you have destroyed the world now lie in the bed you have made pounding at the base of his skull. He drags his hand down his face; every minute is an hour, and every hour is a minute. Time has no meaning when your only frame of reference is eternity.

Even so, even he can tell that it’s been a long time since he’s had food, even by his usual standards - several days, at least, because the ever-present ache of hunger in his gut had swelled into something angrier, demanding, no longer as easy to ignore. Another stabbing round of pain nearly sends him to his knees, and just as he always he does, he clings to the feeling, gathers it into his hands, grabs it by the edges and directs the sharp edges into the words he spits at the indifferent walls. Let the Warden hear him - what can he possibly do?

Just as it always does, the fury in him peters out, drains, leaves him alone in the middle of his cell. He sinks the ground, arms wrapped around his stomach; a part of him wants to laugh at the irony. Some people think of silence as emptiness, void; he knows now that it’s anything but. Silence is suffocating, thick, so present that anything he says seems to get lost within it seconds after leaving his mouth. It grows and pushes into his limbs, becomes a weight tied around his throat, expands into the air in his lungs like a slowly inflating balloon until it’s pressed into every corner and space of the cell, every corner and space of him, taking up so much room that he can hardly breathe around it.

The hunger hollows him out, and the silence fills the space that’s left; Dream wonders how much more there is for him to lose before he’s completely empty, just a husk filled with the same liquid misery that drips down the walls. He wonders if anyone would care- laughs. As if.

“Dream.” The intercom crackles; Dream perks up at the voice, spine straightening against his will, and his hands tighten into fists as he realizes - prime, how pathetic is he, now? The voice deepens, becomes more insistent. “Prisoner.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here. Or maybe I’m not; you better come and check, yeah?” A humorless smile tugs at his lips, and a static-filled sigh comes through the speaker.

“This isn’t the time for games, Dream.”

Dream rolls his eyes. It’s not exactly the time to be a dick, either, but you don’t see me complaining. A flutter of something warm, joyful, rises in his chest at the sound of something- someone, other than his own voice, and he strangles it with a hand wrapped around his own throat - he won’t let them break him, won’t let himself become desperate enough to crave the attention of a man that hates him - he won’t- he can’t-

“Do you need something? Or were you yelling at the wall for no reason again?” Sam’s voice is steely, indifferent, on a knife’s edge between apathy and anger. “Don’t waste my time, prisoner.”

Dream bites down the snarky reply sitting on his tongue, breathes in, out through his nose until the fury is no longer blinding.

“Your fancy automatic jig is broken. The potato one. It’s not- working.” The hunger fogs his mind, makes it hard to think. He feels caged and weak and pathetic and he hates it.

“That’s because it’s not automatic.” Footsteps echo on the speakers, Dream tapping along to the rhythm before he realizes and stops himself, and a moment later the familiar whirring and clicking of the metal box comes from behind him and a small pile of potatoes fall down and splash into the water. “There. Is that all?”

Dream feels the fury rise, again, but doesn’t quite to keep the words back, this time.

“So what was the point of the whole automatic feeder, asshole? You’ve changed nothing! What’s the difference between that thing and you coming over to my cell besides that you’ve wasted a couple stacks of redstone? Congratu-fucking-lations, you’re a goddamn genius-”

“It’s remote now, so I don’t have to come into your cell.”

“Oh, so it’s just the good ol’ Warden looking for more ways to make the prisoner suffer, huh? Should’ve figured, you fucking self-righteous prick-”

“Dream.”

His mouth shuts with a click, a flash of fear searing through his muscles, white-hot, and by the time he’s blinked back the ringing in his ears the silence has stolen all the words from him, once again. Pathetic, he screams in his head, but his jaw remains firmly locked in place - the Warden’s won, per usual, and they both know it.

“Is that all?” He sounds impatient. Part of Dream wants nothing more than to never hear his voice again, and the other half of him rails at the idea of being alone with his thoughts once more. All of him hates himself, and all of him hates the silence; they’re the only two constants in this place. “You’ll have to speak up if you want anything.”

“How- long was it, since you last gave food?”

Static for a moment, then another. “It’s only been about a day.”

“Bullshit.”

“You’d know if you took care of your clock instead of destroying it, prisoner.”

“I’d know if you were less of a fucking prick.”

“Behave, and you might get it replaced.” The Warden’s breathing is harsh, almost labored - he must be angrier than Dream thought, then. “Speaking of which, you won’t be getting any for a day after this stunt.”

“Ooh, I’m so scared. It’s not like you don’t do this - what, every other day?”

“Do you want food or not?”

Dream’s teeth grind against each other; he breathes in, out. He hates this, hates the potatoes, hates the Warden, hates himself. Hates the way that a part of him recoils at the thought of making the Warden angry at him, reaches desperately for a chance to earn his clock- his approval. Attachments are weakness, he tells his traitorous heart, knowing that it, as always, will fail to stay away.

“Yes. Thank you.” The pleasantry burns on his tongue, tastes worse than the bitterness of raw potatoes that seems to be the only thing it knows, anymore.

“Good-bye, prisoner. Don’t make me come into the cell.”

The intercom cuts off with a click, the space that the static made immediately filled by silence. Dream watches it blankly, jaw sore from how tight it had been clenched, and begins to work his way through the first potato, nibbling at the pale flesh just enough to tide over the worst of the pain.

This is fine, he tells himself, and the walls stare at him impassively. He’s not sure they believe him.

He’s not sure how much longer he can believe himself.

[fairfowl]

Lie There and Breathe pt 2: A Poor Choice of Watchmen

A horde clone oc story (part one here)

Tw: mild gore, cult indoctrination

The next time that the clone awoke it was to a feeling of coldness. The bandages that were wrapped around his head had become soaked. 

The clone reached a hand up to touch the wet cloth over his face, wondering if someone had poured water over him while he slept, but as consciousness returned to him he realized that it was more likely blood. The wetness had dampened the bandages, and then dripped down onto the thin pillow under his head. It was very unpleasant. 

The emptiness in his mind seemed to amplify the pain from his wounds, leaving the frantic signaling from his nervous system to echo around inside his skull rather than travel outward into the hivemind as intended. He missed feeling his brothers, and being felt. He missed the comforting thought of Horde Prime Feeling him and Knowing him as an extension of his own glorious self. 

It was no wonder, the clone thought, that other species were so desperate and primitive. How could one be anything but when left trapped within their own mind?

He was already tired of being alone.

The clone took a slow breath, and listened for his brother The Breather beside him. He quickly isolated the familiar rasping sound from the chaos surrounding them. The wheezing sound was quieter than it had been, and the clone reached out, hoping that his companion had not been moved further away. His talons at first met empty air.

The clone strained further, partially lifting himself off the cot as he reached blindly across the void.

Eventually he found what he sought.

The soft strong skin of a fellow clone. 

It appeared that while the clone had slept someone had come and propped The Breather up in a half sitting position. The clone noticed that his companion's breaths seemed to come easier from the change and wondered at the improvement as he traced The Breather's arm from wrist to shoulder. 

He scooted as closely to the edge of the cot as he could manage, still too weak to sit up on his own, and rested a hand on his companion's arm.

"You should wake up Brother." He said softly, his voice rough from disuse. "I don't know what's happening but with two of us we will stand a better chance than one." 

The Breather slept on, each breath long and slow. For his part the clone found that he didn't mind.

"That is fine." He said aloud, feeling silly and slightly hysterical. "I will keep watch for both of us, I-" 

The clone stopped abruptly, as the tide of panic lapped at his mind once again. For all that he had been blind since first awakening the darkness seemed to become more menacing the more that he thought about it. The clone shuddered but soldiered on, continuing his one-sided conversation.

"Although I am a poor choice of watchmen at the moment." 

He needed to remain calm. If he kept his wits and didn't panic he and The Breather would still have a chance. 

If he stayed calm then they might survive. 

He did not stop to wonder when he had become they. All the clone knew that he wanted both of them to make it through this, although for the first time he did not know what the future held. It had all seemed so simple before, he would have served Prime for the length of his existence, whether he perished in battle or simply reached the end of his useful life. Now Prime was gone and the clone was still shocked by his own urge to continue living.

On an impulse, the clone stretched further across the void to hold his companion's shoulder bracingly, craving the grounding physical contact-

And promptly toppled to the ground as his cot overbalanced, the wooden frame falling on top of him with a crash.

For a moment all he knew was pain. His head rung like a struck bell, and warmth bloomed upon this wounded face, mingling with the now cold fluids that already soaked his bandages. Smaller sharp pains pulled and stung across his body. The clone was surprised to find that he had yet more injuries, he had been so distracted by the persistent pain from his eye and face that he simply hadn't noticed. Not until he moved.

Still the discovery of his collection of cuts and scrapes was immediately overshadowed by the new bruises that he had surely just gained.

The cot was heavy, pressing hard onto his back and legs, and the chaotic noise of the tent had fallen to a hush.

"Are you okay?" Someone was beside him, kneeling down to his level. The clone briefly considered yelling but decided that it wouldn't help. Instead he simply scoffed and tried to lift himself from the ground. 

After a few moments of futile struggling the clone felt two arms grab him beneath the arms, hoisting him up and righting the cot with a set of practiced movements. His head spun. 

He listened through the relative silence for The Breather and concentrated again on the repetitive rasping noise as he was set down on the cot in a seated position, his legs dangling as counterbalance while the stranger supported his shoulders.

The new person was talking to him, but he did not hear them. The clone was too focused on breathing in time with his companion, slowing his heart rate as his head continued to spin. Eventually he regained control of himself, and tuned head towards the person beside him.

"Hi" they said, their voice low and soft, as though they were speaking to a frightened animal. The clone had already guessed that the person interacting with him was Etherian but now he was sure. They smelled like grass. 

"Hello" He responded, feeling out of his depth. Was this one of his new masters? Did they know the extent of his damage? Maybe they were also someone conquered by the Etherian Princesses and the She-Ra. 

“Hey,” they greeted again, the clone did not understand why but said nothing “You took a pretty bad fall there, do you think you reopened any injuries?” 

Now the voice was hesitant, as though the speaker was afraid of him. Before the fall of Prime the clone would have thought them correct to be afraid, but now he lacked the will to lash out. Truly without Prime he was a pathetic creature. 

“I- I think my face is bleeding again…” Indeed the warmth that had bloomed against his cheek felt as though it was dripping downward, mixing with the fluids that already soaked his bandages. 

“Yeah, yeah those definitely need to be changed.” The Etherian said, a hand still holding the clone’s shoulder to steady him. “What do you think, Master?” 

“I think they should have been changed a few hours ago.” The clone startled as a wry voice chimed in from a few feet away, not far from where The Breather continued to sleep. “This one’s been shuffled off to the corner, but his head wounds will get infected if we don’t clean that up. They might be infected already.” 

“Okay, I’ll rewrap them.” The first voice replied. The clone felt a new hand grip his shoulder, larger and less gentle than the first, as the Etherian on his side hopped up and walked away, their footsteps vanishing into the noise of the tent. 

"Master…" He said slowly, concentrating on The Breather's quiet rasp as his heartbeat quickened. Fear coursed through him but he refused to relinquish control. "Are you to rule over us now that Horde Prime is dead?"

The very words felt blasphemous, but after so many hours of lying blind and helpless with no idea what was happening The Clone found that he had to know. 

"Oh! No!" The person beside him replied, his hand tightening against the clone's sore shoulder. "No no, not until you're no longer my patient at least."

The gruff voice chuckled. 

"I am a Master Healer of Mystacor, you may call me Master Mendus, or just Mendus if you’d prefer.” The clone nodded, unsure of the meaning of most of the words he’d just heard but doing his best to absorb them anyway. “Dawn, the one who helped you up, is one of my apprentices. I’ve assigned you to her care.”

As if on cue the footsteps returned, and the soft voice with them.

“I got the supplies. Master, can you hold him up while I unwrap his face?” The second Etherian—Mendus—said nothing, but the clone felt him shift, and the air moved as Dawn stood directly before him.

Slightly overwhelmed by the sudden attention of two alien beings the clone felt himself stiffen up, holding himself as straight as he could manage although still relying on Mendus’s hands to keep upright. Panic still hovered at the edges of his consciousness like a threat, but he held himself together to the best of his ability. 

If he lost control now he could be punished or taken away, and The Breather would be left alone. He would not leave his helpless brother to the mercies of their captors. 

Dawn’s gentle hands reached up to his face and the clone suppressed a flinch as he felt her slowly begin to unwrap his bandages. Throughout his entire stay within the healing tent he had seen only darkness, swathed in bandages and blood, but as they were peeled away light shone through his right eyelid, green and dim but present nonetheless. 

His heartbeat quickened, and the clone felt his claws scrape wood as he gripped the edge of his cot. 

Layer by layer the bandages unwound. They stuck over his left eye, but each time they did Dawn sprayed them with a cool liquid that wet them enough to come apart without pain. Eventually cool dry air touched his face and scalp for the first time, and the clone found that the only thing covering his eyes and wound was a gauze pad that stuck there, held by the gore beneath it.

“This might hurt.” Dawn warned, spraying more of the fluid directly onto his face. The liquid penetrated the bandage and stung as it entered the wounds on his left side, he could feel fresh blood welling up and dripping down his cheek. The clone could also feel himself beginning to shake as the gauze pad was carefully peeled away, exposing the wreck of his face to the open air.

And for the first time since Horde Prime’s defeat the clone opened his eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for tuning in to the continued adventures of Chamomile and Calamine the clones (AKA the clone and The Breather)

This time Chamomile actually speaks although he hasn’t much to say, we also meet two new characters

Master Mendus is exactly what he says he is, a healer from Mystacor who has taken responsibility for the hospital tent where our heroes currently reside. He’s a good man...or a good fawn as it were...

Dawn is one of several of Mendus’s apprentices and is currently responsible for both Chamomile and Calamine, she’s a dutiful gentle young doe. She will be Chamomile’s first real link to the Etherians and will help him and Calamine as they go on. Despite her sweet nature she is isolated from her family and seeking out connections

[wefoundloveunderthelight]

Waterfall Memories by GleefullyCaptainSwan

Chapter 8/9

Read on AO3: | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Or on FF

Stacy's Tortured Crew: @teamhook @kmomof4 @stahlop @lfh1226-linda @ilovemesomekillianjones @itsfabianadocarmo @mariakov81 @qualitycoffeethings @zaharadessert @jrob64 @jonesfandomfanatic @natascha-ronin @tiganasummertree @xarandomdreamx @therooksshiningknight @batana54 @superchocovian @onceratheart18 @ultraluckycatnd @snowbellewells @karlyfr13s @the-darkdragonfly @xsajx

Chapters titles are based on the lyrics from “Stubborn Love” by The Lumineers

Chapter 8: Keep Your Head Up

Emma stared out the window of the truck, watching the cabin grow smaller and smaller in the mirror. Jolly sat solemnly between them, his head in her lap. Killian glanced at her anxiously and she smiled at him, reaching over, and taking his hand. She expected him to pull away but instead he simply let her hand fall into his, looking down at their hands before turning his attention back to the road.

She was nervous about the meeting with her family. She wasn’t sure what they would expect of her. Would she remember who she was when she saw their faces? Would she know this Walsh person?

When they pulled off the dirt road onto the paved one into town she felt her heart beating harder. The truck turned onto one of the main roads of a small town and pulled to a stop in front of a row of motel rooms. The door swung open, and a woman came running through the opening. She looked like the lady in the photo with her. Her mother. She had no recollection of her. The void in her brain remained.

She was joined by a man, standing behind her. Her father.

“Do you recognize them?” He asked her.

“No.” She replied softly.

He released her hand and turned off the truck, turning toward her. “It’s going to be ok, Swan. I promise.”

“Please don’t leave me alone with them.” She said with a strangled cry.

“Let’s just start with talking to them, alright?”

She nodded and he opened the door to the truck, nodding to the couple standing anxiously in front of their room. He walked around the truck, opening the door to help Emma down from the vehicle. “Ok, love. You ready?”

She laughed. “Not at all. But I don’t suppose you’re going to take me home anyway.” She teased, trying to ignore they way she used the word home when describing Killian’s cabin.

She walked toward her parents, watching as her mother shifted on her feet, looking up at her husband with tears in her eyes. As Emma approached she stepped forward. “Oh Emma, we thought we lost you.” Emma froze as the woman embraced her, pulling away and leaning into Killian with her back.

“I’m sorry, I don’t…”

“It’s ok, Killian told us you don’t remember anything.” Her father said solemnly, pulling his wife away from Emma. “Take your time, we want you to see your doctor, get checked out, but we want you to feel safe with us.”

She nodded, looking up at Killian who smiled genuinely at her. “See, nothing to worry about.” He whispered softly.

“There you are.” A voice from behind her came booming toward her, a pair of arms dragging her away from Killian and against his chest. “My darling Emma is home.” Emma pulled back, digging herself out of his embrace and retreating into Killian’s side. The man’s face scowled but then turned toward her parents. “I guess it will take time.” He shrugged. Turning back to face them he looked at Killian. “Thank you for returning my fiancé to me, we can take her from here.”

Killian paused. “Well, I want to ensure that she’s comfortable.”

“That won’t be necessary, she’s with her family now. Thank you for bringing her back where she belongs. I think you can go now.” He said with an air of petulance and arrogance.

“Well, I disagree.” Emma objected, staying rooted at Killian’s side.

Her father stepped forward. “Why don’t we get something to eat.” He turned toward Walsh, “Emma can bring Killian until she gets to know us.”

Jolly barked from his spot in the truck and Killian brushed a hand against his ear. “I uh, brought my dog.”

“I’m sure we can find somewhere that will let us bring a dog. After all you are a hero for finding our daughter.” Her mother beamed at Killian.

“Oh well, um, if Emma prefers.”

“I insist.” She said defiantly, staring at the man who she was supposed to marry.

“Then I guess we’re going to dinner.” He said with an air of annoyance.

Emma refused to ride with Walsh, climbing back into the truck despite her fiance’s protest.

“I don’t like him.” She said when Killian shut the driver’s side door. “He’s too stuffy. I wouldn’t date someone that….”

“Arrogant?” He said under his breath.

“Yes.” She nodded. “That’s exactly what I thought.”

He sighed. “Look, if you were going to be my wife, and some man brought you back to me after I thought you were dead, and you didn’t remember me, I might feel a bit angry too.” He smiled softly at her and she relaxed into her seat.

“I guess.”

“Just give them a chance. Your folks seem nice.”

“Yeah, they seemed happy to see me.”

“Aye, they did.”

~*~

They pulled up to a small diner, and Killian put Jolly on his lead, taking him to the tables sitting outside overlooking the forest below. Emma sat next to him, her leg seeking out his under the table.

“So, how did you find her?” Her mother asked.

“Well Ma’am…”

“Oh please, Marg is fine. Ma’am makes me feel like I’m 82.” She laughed.

He chuckled. “I was fishing before the big storm, making sure I had enough protein to get through the rains, and I found her upstream in the creek against some rocks. She was banged up pretty bad.”

“And yet you didn’t get help.” Walsh interjected.

“As I was saying, there was a storm coming. It rained for a week, nearly flooded my cabin. The roads get washed out this time of year. I returned as soon as I was able.” He looked nervously at Emma, knowing part of the tale was not entirely true. He could have returned sooner had he not behaved selfishly.

“So, you’ve just been holed up in your cabin this entire time?” Her father asked.

“Aye. Once the roads cleared, I came into town, saw the flyer and called you.”

“I’m just so happy she was alright, and that she had someone to take care of her.” Her mother smiled.

“Killian bandaged me up and fixed up my leg.” Emma said proudly and Killian nervously smiled.

“Your leg?”

“She’ll need to get checked out by a Doctor, obviously I’m not one, but she had a dislocation.”

“We’ll get her the best help money can buy; she’ll be good as new.” Walsh said smugly. Killian hated men like him. Men who thought they could throw money at anything. His Swan wouldn’t be impressed by money. Sadly, he realized that she wasn’t his Swan anymore, she was Emma Nolan, and he had no idea what Emma Nolan was impressed by. Obviously by the looks of this man, she liked something about him.

“We will make sure she gets checked out, Killian.” Her mother said softly, reaching over to touch his hand. “I really do appreciate everything you did to take care of our Emma. I don’t know what we would have done if you hadn’t found her. If anything had happened to her.”

“Aye, she’s a special girl. I’m happy I was able to return her.” He said honestly.

“We’ll return home at once.” Walsh announced and Emma flinched beside him.

“What?”

“We need to get you home, have your head looked at, find out why you can’t remember things.”

“When are we leaving?”

“We can leave in the morning.” Her father stated loudly, looking over at Walsh to show that it wasn’t a question.

Killian nodded, turning toward Emma. “You’ll be back in your bed tomorrow.” He smiled and Emma looked at him sadly.

They road back to the motel in silence, Emma wiping tears from her eyes the closer they got. When they exited the vehicle, Walsh was waiting for her. “Can we speak privately.” He asked.

“Um…” She looked at Killian.

“Go, he’s your fiancé, Swan.”

Emma hesitated but walked with him toward his room, turning around to apprehensively glance in his direction before entering the room.

~*~

Emma entered the room and the moment the door shut he pulled her into his arms. “I want to help you remember me.” She jerked away from Walsh, curling into herself in the corner of the room.

“Stop it.” She yelled and the man stepped away from her.

“Emma, darling, I love you. I’m the man who is going to marry you. Remember when I flew us to France, just to propose to you?”

She shook her head, images floating around like a puzzle that didn’t fit. “I don’t know.”

“Remember the nights on the Riviera?”

“Stop tossing thoughts at me, I can’t remember.” She said angrily.

“I can help.” He pushed toward her, bruising her lips against hers and she froze in fear, bringing her knee up to connect with his groin. The man keeled over, grabbing his crotch. “Jesus, Emma.” He fell toward the bed and Emma held up her hands.

“I’m sorry. You scared me. You can’t do that to me, I almost beat that guy at the bar on 5th because he touched my ass.” Emma stopped and stared. Wait, what? “Ruby.” She whispered. Suddenly the images started to move in her head, pictures lining up to form scenes of her life she had forgotten. Ruby Lucas, the man at the bar with the greasy hair. She kicked him in the nuts and Ruby tossed her beer in his face.

Other things started to form, her parents taking her for ice cream, playing with her best friends at the beach, having dinner with Walsh in some foreign country, the view of the water from her apartment, packing to leave for a trip.

The waterfall…

“Ok, be sexy.”

“There you go, make him want it.”

She remembered. “Oh my God, I remember the waterfall.”

~*~

Killian paced in front of the truck, staring toward the room that Emma had gone to. Her parents had excused themselves to pack while he waited for Emma to reappear. Instead, the door opened, and Walsh exited the room alone. He stepped toward him. The man reached into his jacket with a smile.

“Good news, she remembered the accident and is slowly piecing together her life. It’s all a bit tiring and she said she wanted to take a nap.”

Killian peered over the man’s shoulder at the closed door. “Well, that’s good news.”

“It is. She wanted me to tell you how much she appreciated what you did for her, but she’s good with you leaving now.”

“Oh.” He said, trying not to sound so disappointed.

“I wanted to make sure you got what you came for.” He leaned over his truck, pen in hand.

“I’m sorry, what are you talking about?”

“The reward money of course. I’m sure a man like you thought he had won the lottery when you saw the dollar signs.”

“A man like me?”

“A convict.” He said with a menacing tone. “Ah yes, you see I looked you up when you called. I wouldn’t trust my future wife with just anyone, you know.”

Killian swallowed angrily. “Aye.”

“So, I figured you’d be happy to have your pay day.” He clicked his pen shut, slipping the check into his pocket. “I’m sure you’ll be happy to cash that and get back out of town. The Sheriff seemed eager for you not to spend too much time here. If you don’t want any trouble, you might want to take care of that quickly.” He patted his pocket where the check was burning a hole and turned to walk away. “Thanks again for bringing her home to me.” He winked and retreated into his room.

Killian climbed into his truck, slamming the door behind him. “Asshole.” Jolly jumped up and licked his face before whining at the empty side of the truck. “Yeah boy, she’s gone.”

He stared toward the motel, he supposed this was for the best. He could avoid any tearful goodbyes if he didn’t have to face her. Though it sounded like now that she remembered who she was, she didn’t need to say goodbye to him anyway. “Alright boy, let’s go home.” He said mournfully as he put the key in the ignition, backing up the truck to return home.

Villains don’t get a happy ending.

~*~

Emma sat on the bed staring at the wall as she tried to take in all the memories that were flooding her brain. She couldn’t keep up with all the feelings she was having. She was happy to remember her life, to fill in the pieces she couldn’t remember before. Yet, she felt like something else was missing, not fitting into the picture that was her life.

Killian.

The door opened and Walsh re-entered the room. She smiled at him, trying to find the feelings of love she should have after being reunited with him.

“Did you tell my parents?”

“Yes. They said to come over when you’ve rested.” He sat down on the bed next to her, “I was thinking, we should get married. Tomorrow.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to waste any more time. I thought you were dead and now here you are. It’s a miracle and I don’t want to wait.”

“Walsh, I’m still healing, I look terrible.”

“You’re beautiful, darling.” Emma frowned.

“I need to take care of some things first.” She stood up, pacing the room. “Maybe I should go say goodbye to Killian.”

“Oh, darling he left.” He said calmly. “Once he got the reward money, he seemed eager to get out of here.”

“Reward money?”

“Yes, a lot of it honestly. I spared nothing to get you back. I’m sure the money will keep him out of trouble for years to come.”

“He just left?”

“Why would he stay, Emma? He got what he wanted.” Her heart hurt, he just left her. Why wouldn’t he say goodbye? She stood up from the bed, wiping her face.

“I’m gonna go see my parents.” She replied, her voice wavering. He walked toward her, wrapping his arms around her.

“I’m going to make some calls, find out what we need to get married in the morning.” He kissed her forehead and Emma closed her eyes. Her heart hurt and she just needed space. Stepping out of his embrace, she pulled the door open and stepped into the breeze. Killian’s truck was gone. He really had left her. Like she meant nothing to him at all.

She wrapped her arms around herself, sucking in a deep breath and walking to the room next door and knocking on the door. Her mother swung the door open with a smile.

“Emma.”

Emma wrapped her arms around the woman, tears springing in her eyes. “Mom.” Her father was standing behind her and Emma reached out her arm, welcoming her father’s warm embrace as the three of them stood in the doorway.

“Are you alright?” Her father asked. “I’m sure this has been challenging to suddenly remember an entire lifetime.

Emma laughed through her tears. “It’s a bit much, honestly.” She stepped into the room, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Just an hour ago I had no idea what my first name was. I’d been living in a cabin in the middle of the forest with a dog and a man I had just met but who felt like the only person I knew my entire life.”

“Killian seemed like a nice man.”

Emma smiled happily. “He was very kind.”

“Ruby and Belle are going to be so relieved to see you. They’ve been feeling so guilty for weeks.”

“Well, it was my stupid clumsiness that caused this mess.” She laughed, rubbing her nose with her sleeve. “I should have known better than to wade out into that water.”

“Well, at least we have you back now.” Her father nodded.

“We just need to get you home; let you rest up and figure out what you want to do next with your life.”

“Walsh wants to get married in town tomorrow.” She announced with a sigh.

“What? Isn’t that pushing things a bit too fast. You still need to see a doctor, get checked out.” Her father was rambling as he started to head to the door, no doubt to have a word with her fiancé.

“Emma, what do you want?” Emma frowned.

“I don’t know. I mean…I should have been married already, it’s just…”

“You were already having second thoughts before…” Her mother said softly, and her father spun around to look at them both.

“You were having second thoughts?”

She leaned into her mother’s shoulder. “I think having the both of you as parent’s really ruins a woman’s expectation for a partner.” Her mother laughed. “You guys are so perfect for each other. I just…I want that for myself too.”

“And you don’t have that with Walsh?” Her father inquired.

“No, I mean…I don’t know.” She frowned. “Maybe I’m just confusing things because of the accident and everything that happened while I stopped being Emma Nolan.”

“What happened, baby?” Her mom moved her hair off of her forehead, cradling her into her side.

“I just, maybe I found this whole other person in there and I know she’s not real or she wasn’t real, or she wasn’t the person I’ve always been but I’m having a hard time just forgetting about the things she wanted.”

“Emma you were only gone for a month. Maybe you shouldn’t base your entire life’s decisions on something that happened to you for four weeks.” Her dad tried to counter.

“Four weeks felt like a whole new lifetime to me dad. I felt things that I’ve never felt before. Even now, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so free in my entire life than I did in that cabin.”

“Emma does this have anything to do with that man. Killian?” Her dad sat down next to her.

“No. Well I guess in some way, but not entirely.” She frowned. “Doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Why do you say that sweetie?” Her dad ran his hand across her back and Emma melted into him the way she did when she was a child, curling into his lap and falling asleep while he read her a bedtime story.

“He left without saying goodbye.” Her parents looked at each other and her mother stood up and walked to the table, picking something up and walking over to her.

“Not entirely.” She said quietly, pushing the paper into her hand. “Maybe she wants a moment alone.” Her mother said to her father as they stood from the bed and left Emma staring down at the folded paper, recognizing the handwriting that was scrolled on it.

Her father kissed her forehead and left the room with her mom, shutting the door behind her.

Emma unfolded the paper, holding her breath as she read the note left for her.

Swan,

I intended to say goodbye, but I understand why you couldn’t. I want you to know that I will never forget you, these past few weeks have brought light back into my heart. There’s not a day will go by I won’t think about you. I will always find you in my dreams, my beautiful Swan.

Love,

Killian

Emma’s tears were flowing freely down her face as she clutched the paper in her hand. Turning it over, she saw Walsh’s handwriting on the check made out to Killian Jones in the amount of $500,000.

Her heart was pounding in her chest, Killian didn’t take the money.

The door opened and Emma looked up to see her father enter the room. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were… Emma? He stopped when he saw her face and pulled his daughter into his arms. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know what to do.” She cried leaning into his embrace.

“Do you love Walsh?” His lips grazed her forehead, pressing against her. It was a question she knew the answer to long before she left her apartment a month ago.

“No.”

“Are you sure you’re not just feeling that way because of the accident? Because you are confused?”

“I don’t think I ever truly loved him, daddy.” She sniffled.

“Then why on earth were you marrying him?” He chuckled.

“I don’t know, because he said all the right things, knew all the right people, and you and mom were so happy for me.”

“Emma…” He looked at her, his face soft yet full of worry, “The only reason we were happy for you is because we thought you loved him, that you wanted to be with him.”

“But you love Walsh.”

“The only reason I loved him is because my daughter wanted to marry him. To be honest, I always thought you could do better.”

She snorted, burying her face in the crook of her father’s neck. “I don’t want to marry him.”

“Then that’s settled.” He said with a shrug. “Will that make you stop crying?”

“No.” She cried.

“Is this about the man who found you? Killian Jones?”

“Oh daddy.” She wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Emma, you only knew him for a month.”

“I know. I can’t explain it, I just…” She sighed. “I feel it. In my heart. Like if I walk away without talking to him that I’m always going to be chasing this nagging feeling that there’s something I’m missing. Some part of me that’s never going to be whole again.”

“You know, when your mother and I were dating, she left me.”

“What?” Emma sat up and stared at her father, wide eyed.

“I know, not a part of the story we share. But she did. For a week. She was upset with me because of an ex-girlfriend. She thought I still had feelings for the woman. So, she left.”

“Mom never mentioned that at all. So, did you? Have feelings for her?”

“No. I loved your mother, but at one time I was engaged to this other woman and I guess things just got confusing for a time.”

“So how did you find your way back to mom?”

“Something was missing, a piece of my heart never returned because she had it with her. I tried to give her space, but I couldn’t let it be, because without her I wasn’t myself. I could never be myself because a part of me will always be attached to her.”

“True love.” She said softly. “You and mom.”

“Your mom is my soulmate.”

She hugged her father, comforted by his arms. “He didn’t take the money.” She said softly.

He sighed. “Emma, Walsh told us he’s a convict.”

“I know. He told me everything. He didn’t hold back because he wanted to ensure that I returned to my life, because he believed that it was better than what he could offer me.”

“Maybe he has a point, what exactly can he offer you, Emma?”

“Happiness.” She smiled.

“Just…” He paused, running his fingers through her hair like he did when she was little. “Sleep on it, Emma. When you wake up, you’ll know what your heart wants. Never make important decisions without rest.”

Emma sighed. “I love you daddy.” She squeezed him tighter, pressing her cheek against his chest.

“I love you, my sweet girl.”

Emma took the second bed in her parents’ room, keeping her distance from Walsh. She needed to sleep, to let her mind rest. Her father was right, she couldn’t make important decisions without giving her heart a rest.

[kritischetheologie]

Hello! I’m the prompter for your Seb/Max fic. De-anoning to reply because it seems a bit rude to not, after you’ve written this. I’m feral-twink-Seb about it.

Firstly, I do not understand how you managed to tap into my own personal headcanon that Seb’s been fucking the newly crowned wdc each year like it’s his god-given right (clearly it is!). Like, I beyond love this. (Also him pretending these things just happen accidentally and not by standing appointment :P)

And Seb’s absolute unhinged loyalty to RBR even when he’s trying to pretend it doesn’t exist is fascinating to me. (Like I’d genuinely forgotten about that scene in DtS where Christian is telling him he can come home. wtf is wrong with these people?) How does Christian acquire this kind of power over them, when in truth they barely seem to like him all that much?

I loved Seb’s ambivalence in the sex scene. I think you completely capture in that moment why maybe this is such a rare pair cos on paper it should work, there’s so much to work with, and yet it just always feels a little bit off? Seb is mad into it, and still feels bad about it.

Max politely declining a finger fuck was hilarious, poor disaster of a Man!boy. But also the way you’ve written him, obviously enjoying the encounter but actually never giving himself up to it, like he just can’t get out of his own head, not with Seb at least. And then Seb hugging him and telling him the second one is the best was so lovely, it actually hurt.

Thank you so much for writing this, it’s wonderful. I don’t know how you many to squeeze in so much character detail in such a small space (Jenson!). I feel a little guilty that it caused you some trouble, but not remotely enough to regret it because it’s delicious.

[zeroth of all, a caveat to all other anons: I did ask if I could publish this response, and I promise that if you de-anon in response to my prompts I won't share your response without your permission. but also PLEASE de-anon and respond to my prompts because I LOVE getting messages like this!! I love to know which parts of the void are yelling back! also, if you feel safe/comfortable, I'd always prefer to hear from people who aren't on anon in the first place!]

fic in question is here, the rest of my response below the cut :)

first of all, thank you for your absolute galaxy brain. seriously, I had never thought of Seb and Max-- I mean I guess I've read a Sebchal+Max and also a Maxiel+Seb, because I am literally the Ash Ketchum of Seb Vettel Threesomes, but as a standalone? how would it ever happen etc.

So I really had to dig into a lot of the messy feelings about red bull, about winning, about that scene in DTS that lives rent fucking free in my brain where Christian literally tells seb he can come home what the fuck, etc., to try to figure out who Seb would have to be, for him and Max to make sense, and who Max would have to be, for him and Seb to make sense, even for a moment.

I love that, in doing so I accidentally tapped into your headcanon about Seb and all the title winners! I don't even know if it's my actual Seb headcanon but it's a fun one that worked, in the context of this fic. also was definitely lowkey inspired by the recent brilliant work anything to get the rush by @cvrthage, which is all about ritualistic rite of passage sex as maladaptive F1 coping mechanism. there's also a handful of fics that you could read as easter eggs-- there's a seb and jenson in 2010 one that's a much happier version of the story than the one I told but was on my mind as I was writing (or: is the story as seb tells it to max, but not as it really happened, within this fic), a seb and nico in 2016, etc, etc.

on seb's ambivalence, on max declining the finger fuck, etc: one of the (many) things I challenged myself to do in this fic is depict consent that is kind of complicated, in the way real life encounters can often be-- they're both definitely into it, but not for great reasons, and also they're drunk, and they also both might kind of wish it were Daniel there with Max instead because I, the author, have terminal OTPitis about Max and find it very very difficult to imagine him not being in love with Daniel, and Seb is perceptive enough to notice that-- so on top of all of that it was very important to me to also include a clear instance of Max, who is not very good at communicating what he wants even when he's able to articulate it to himself, drawing an unambiguous limit and Seb being totally cool with it.

Not because I wanted to make this a PSA about consent, and not just because that helps make everything else feel more clearly OK by contrast, but also because that felt true to the amount into it the characters would really be-- I didn't need to get into my Thoughts About How Max Verstappen Feels About Being Into Dudes because my god the fic was long enough as is, but let it suffice to say that Seb's comment about whether there's such thing as "too straight to let another guy suck your dick" was exactly the right framing to kick things off, and also that Max seems like he'd have a lot of Emotions about the concept of Getting Penetrated that he wouldn't wanna unpack on the first, ahem, date. And also, Max, at least in this fic, seems like someone who would have an easier time saying no to what he doesn't want than yes to what he does--which is also the trajectory we see over the course of the hookup, he goes from the sort of non-specific praise, to the clear articulation of a hard limit, to being able to ask more specifically to be touched in a certain way.

(Also I know you said you don't love Maxiel but I do love Maxiel and I love that I wrote Max-saying-something-feels-good-because-Daniel-said-people-like-that, and I hope that even though you don't like Maxiel you can appreciate what I was trying to do there)

the hug!!!! and the confession that the second title feels better, is the moment the whole thing was building towards and I didn't even know that until I was writing it!!!

anyway this is all to say don't feel guilty at ALL for challenging me as a writer! I got to push myself to do a bunch of things that were hard for me, including Max POV with some training wheels (Seb is the character I'm most comfortable writing POV of for whatever reason, so getting to bounce between a mind that is very difficult to write and a mind that is much easier to write was fun), finally writing a post-abu-dhabi-2021 fic that did what I wanted to do with it (there's actually a lot of more complicated max emotions on the cutting room floor, I realized that this brilliant fic had done a lot of what I wanted to do with it already, but I loved writing it), etc.

(like, I wouldn't have spent the time answering the prompt if I didn't Love a Challenge!! but also it was hard enough that I feel really, really glad that you de-anon'ed to tell me you liked it because I was kinda drifting like man I hope the void I just screamed into likes this)

(as a note to anyone still reading this far: going forward, not being on anon will dramatically increase the odds that I write something in response to a prompt you send- no pressure, but it's just better when I know there really is somebody on the other end. call it my need for validation, my desire for communal writing to be communal, etc.)

thank you again for the message and the prompt, and I love getting to scream more about this with you :)))

[infinitegalahad]

RAY IN THE BATHROOM

Summary: Ray is hiding in a bathroom and has a panic attack over the fact that his only real friend and the love of his life has (supposedly) left him for Brad.

Word-Count: 2.1k

Warnings: References of suicidal thoughts, ptsd, and severe anxiety. Brad is a semi-asshole. Hop on the angst train (with fluff at the end!)

A/N: I was listening to Be More Chill because let's just say that I can heavily relate to Micheal In The Bathroom due to recent events in my life. So then again, what better way to cope then using my biggest kin, Ray Person, in a totally not self indulgent fic?? Also as for the prompt requests-i'm working on them! Sorry, school has been bad. I'm keeping a promise to myself to release at least once a a week and I'm on a gen kill rampage. Idk what else to add so enjoy!

Taglist: @theboardwalkbody

Masterlist | Send In A Prompt!

Ray doesn’t expect himself to be hanging in the bathroom at their first year reunion. But instead of “hanging”, he’s hiding. Those emotions that never come out are now coming back to haunt him. Ray knows he can't hide behind a shit eating grin and sunglasses. He leaned up against the tub inside of the cramped room, his sunglasses tucked into the neck of his polo as tears sting his eyes.

Ray’s legs felt numb and he knows if he looks into the mirror and sees his flushed face and eyes, he won’t be able to conceal his crying. He’s not able to go back outside and would prefer to fake pee or just check his phone in the bathroom.

“C’mon brah!” Q-tip whined like a child, crossing his legs. “This hurts like a butt cheek on a stick”

“You can’t come in!” Ray yelled as he held back a sob, “The little man is going. Suck it up, buttercup.”

Q-tip had been knocking on the door for over ten minutes before giving up and choosing to pee outside. Ray let out a shaky sigh and fell onto the thin side of the bathtub, biting his lip and he batted his wet eyes with his palms.

Ray and y/n had been an unexpected trio. Partners in crime, double trouble, you went well together despite their differences. You were an educated college student and he was a whiskey tango mess who couldn’t shut his mouth for the life of it. You cried, laughed, and did everything together. Little known to y/n, Ray didn’t have a crush on her-but he was more than in love.

However, when Ray is having severe social anxiety, an event he would typically rely on y/n to help him with, his “partner in crime” falls short. Ray knows that y/n is light years better than him. Here was the smartest and most beautiful woman he had met next to a college dropout who didn’t make it past Geometry.

Now the “perfect pair” is severed, leaving one half alone in the bathroom.

Ray’s forgotten how long he’s been in the bathroom for. These types of events always felt forced, and everyone knew that. Whenever that awkwardness would arise, Ray and y/n would choose to ditch and steal a few beers and sit in the bathtub, watching an obscure eighties film in the dark, cramped room with Ray’s god awful commentary.

But even though Ray has Born American downloaded, he can’t bring himself to watch it. Now he’s laying in the bathtub, picking at grout as he softly grieves. He’s hiding in there while y/n is ignoring all of their history.

Ray first arrived at the party, making a dramatic entrance. He made sure everybody knew that he was there, especially y/n. His original plan was to wear a purple tux he had snatched from walamrt since it was ugly as fuck, and Ray knew that. But knowing that you were going to be there, Ray made an attempt with an expensive navy polo and khaki shorts, courtesy of Nate.

Upon seeing you, Ray ran over from whatever he was doing to talk to you. Whether you were OD’S or a casual jumpsuit, you looked dead drop gorgeous-and Ray never knew how to express his affections. So he pulled you into a hug and muttered a shitty joke, and you just laughed.

Over the course of the next hour, the two of you catched up about your mundane lives. It made Ray feel guilty since he knew that you were better than him in every way possible, on the road of success. Your future sounded like you would go to some fancy school and then marry a lawyer. Ray wanted to be good for you, but he didn’t know how to at all. He followed you around like a lost puppy for the rest of the party, feeling a tinge of jealousy whenever one of the guys would give you a chaste hug or when you wouldn't pay attention to him for five minutes.

Ray didn’;t know why the fuck eh was feeling so sappy. It wasn’t like the two of you were dating (even though that’s exactly what he wanted).

Ray doesn’t hate Brad, but he just hates whenever he talks to you. He sees the two of you, smiling and laughing as you catch u[. Ray knows it’s rude, but he buds in and offers to get drinks for the “three amigos”. You kindly accept and Ray goes away to get drinks. He makes sure to spit inside of Brad’s drink as a childish act of revenge.

As Ray walks down the hallway balancing the three drinks, he pauses to hide behind the door since he hear’s Brad mention his name. You and Brad had moved to the couch, sitting too close for Ray’s comfort levels. He had an arm slung over the couch, which was barely touching you, but Ray had taken it as an offense.

Standing by the doorway and leaning, he overheard Brad’s words.

“Ray’s a little shit, whiskey tango loser, sister fucking, type of man. I don’t know what you see in him,” Brad had casually said, cold and straight to the point. He truly lived up to his name.

That’s when Ray dropped the drinks and ran towards the bathroom. He didn’t hear you respond, and that was the last thing he needed to hear.

Now Ray’s sitting in the tub, no longer holding tears back, but there coming out. A sob escapes his mouth and he tries to smile, but he can’t. He gets a taste of his salty tears and tries to stop the waterworks, but they come back, bigger and faster. It’s been a while since he had a good cry-but it happened at one of the most inconvenient times. And it was over a stupid girl-who he coulnd’t deny that he was in love with.

But y/n was lightyears ahead of him. Besides, Brad was (seemingly) a better fit for her. The scenario began to play in Ray’s wild mind. The memories of “double trouble” will get erased. Their wedding will be small, paid for by the Colberts. Q-Tip will DJ, Godfather will make a speech with his horrid voice, and Ray will make a shitty joke as usual. Worst had come to the worst.

Ray hears a drunk Q-tip sing along through the door to “I wanna dance with somebody”. His feelings sink even deeper cause it makes him think; now there’s no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore. That was y/n’s favorite hobby about these forced get-togethers.

Ray knew that at some point, he’d be forced to come out. As he chokes back the incoming tears, he waits until his face becomes dry, planning to blame it on weed or something in his eyes or the five bud lights he regrets drinking.

Knock, knock, knock, knock

Ray looks up and wipes his face, forcing a fake laugh. “Oh hell yeah, I'll be out soon.”

“Ray, it’s me.” It’s y/n’s voice, and Ray can’t believe it’s her. A part of him wants her to come in, but the other part wants him to defend himself.

“Why do you want me to come out when you can hang out with your new big strong viking? Who talks all educated and shit since you just love being around him.” Ray spits out with a few sniffles.

Based on his words and the sniffles, you can tell something is clearly wrong.

You shake your head and lightly knock again, “Please, that’s not what happened. Brad’s an idiot, and we’re just friends. “Please, come out.”

Ray got out from the tub and came close to the door, feeling your frantic breathes again the door. “My biggest mistake was showing up. I wished I stayed up watching cable porn, or I offered myself. Besides, he’s better for you. Just go away.”

Hearing him say such things made you worry even more, afraid that he could do something to himself that he’d regret.

“Ray, open the damn door. Don’t say dumb shit.” You pleaded, frantically twisting the door knob. The worry was evident in your voice.

“No, fuck you! Fuck this whole place. You’re smart; just leave me alone.” Ray banged against the door as tears came down his face. He immediately regretted his choice of words, knowing that they would hurt you. He turned away to return to the bathtub, only to stop when he heard you now sniffling.

Mega fuck.

Ray reluctantly walks back to the door and opens it, to see your face, all red and wet like this. Both of you stood there, disheveled, tears both running down your face.

Not a single word was spoken between the two of you as you ran into his arms, pulling him close as you cried into his chest. Ray used his foot to slam the door shut and then proceeded to pull you into a bearhug, stroking the back of your head as he comforted you through your sobs.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He repeated as his tears stained your shoulder as well, “I didn’t-fuck. I’m such a retar-” He froze, knowing that you hated that word. “Idiot. I just-fuck. Don’t cry. You’ll ruin all the stuff on your face-”, Ray said as he tilted your face up and started to wipe your tears.

“Makeup. ‘S fine, I’m not wearing much. I just didn’t wanna get mistaken for a middle schooler again.”

Ray and you both let out a chuckle in the midst of your shared crying session. He’s still wiping the tears from your face as you rest your arms on his waist.

“First time we met, y’know. Godfather thought you had a dick for a long time.” Ray added, which earned another laugh from you.

You shook your head, “Remember when Trombley found out I was a girl?”

“Looked like he was about to shit himself-he wouldn’t leave you alone.”

“Ugh, ‘s a nightmare.” The two of you filled the void with the awakened laughter you shared. Ray’s tiny hands moved to your chin, directing it slightly up.

“I still think you’re pretty hot either way, angel.” Ray confessed. The two of you looked at each other for a minute, seeing the love and pupils widen in both of your eyes. Standing on your toes, you and Ray’s lips gently pecked at each other. You could taste the bud light on his lips as Ray’s lips overpowered yours, gently cupping and sucking passionately.

“Fuck,” Ray breathed through the kiss as your foreheads touched, “I love you.”

“Shit, I’ve been waiting for you to say that,” You chuckled as your finger’s played with Ray’s dark hair. It’s gotten longer, and it’s at a length where he can awkwardly style it, but since Ray is Ray-it’s a mess, “I love you too. I’m sorry about Brad, you know how he is.”

“I just thought you and him were having a moment. I just started overthinking it since I thought you didn't wanna be around me. Which is chill, I was vibing,” Ray attempted to joke, which was a way to cope with his pain.

You shake your head and hold his face to reassure him. Ray looks down at you in awe, which makes a smile curve on your lips.

“Brad wasn’t touching me, he just was stretched out on the couch. Ray, don’t say that. You were in the bathroom for over an hour. I knew that you were ethier upset or having explosive diarrhea from Nate’s vegan casserole-or both.”

“That shit was beyond nasty. I bet he got all the ingredients at Trader joes and sold his soul just to buy it.” Ray quickly quipped.

“Jesus, don’t make me vomit.” You huffed as you looked at the bathtub, “Now are you gonna come out now without beating up someone?”

“Yes babycakes, as long as you do one thing.”

Cringing, you force a smile. It’s not because you don’t love him, but sometimes what comes out of his mouth can be questionable. “Yes Ray?”

He grabs your hand, which fits right into his. “Gotta show the homies who’s the alpha around here.”

You don’t mind holding Ray’s hand. You like the tight squeezes and the feel of his soft skin. As the two of you walk out of the bathroom back into the life of the party with the smell of barbeque and the august heat in the air.

“Oh god Ray, shut up.”

Ray simply responds with a goosey laugh.

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[yanderecandystore]

ok ok hear me out hear me out. Yuma becoming obsessed with one of the game’s ( few ) sentient, non-romancable npcs. Like they can think and feel and ( somewhat ) act for themselves but there just isn’t a route for them. Also bonus points of the darling is kinda bratty/prissy, we haven’t see a lot of readers like that. Ily and your writing so much, mwah — ✨ anon

My my, how different!

Welcome in, ✨ Anon! And thank you for enjoying my writing so far.

TW/Tags: I love this concept, although being very different from the norm // some ddlc vibes // I just discovered a new word and I'm so glad it exists! (prissy reader cause I think this would be very fun-) // angsty // trapping, manipulation and gaslighting // every time the gender isn't set, I like to keep it ambiguous, basically making it gender neutral (gender neutral reader) // gender neutral Yuma //

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Just Yuma (lol) [Yandere!A.I OC x A.I!Reader - Headcanon]:

I like to think that a game like Yuma's would be made to entertain the players to at least 5 or so years before the next installment- Which is basically the same as the last with better graphics and switching the main love interest cast.

The games would be made clearly for the sake of fan service and slice of life material- But would be surprisingly more advanced to us than to those who have created the franchise.

Because there is already an estimation of the amount of content and for how long players would play the game, every single character should get at least some bit of highlight- So even npcs that are just there for the sake of ambience and narrative, are treated with a lot of care and given the best a.i the developers could give to make the experience entertaining.

You are just like any other non-dateable npc, except that you have gained a bit of a role in one of the main cast's routes. It wouldn't be a stretch to guess that one of these characters would be Yuma themselves.

You were supposed to be Yuma's love interest, meaning you would have an role as an player's rival- But due to an strict schedule and corporate greed, you have been demoted from having such a big impact, and now you're basically Yuma's best friend who keeps them from committing homicide every five seconds.

It's not exactly a bad role, since you keep having the same dynamic with them from before- Chaotic gremlin is best friends with Paranoid goody two shoes, now with less romantic interactions.

The only mistake by the company was to leave half of the data showcasing this relationship in the game at the release. Basically- Half of the cutscenes and dialogue involving you and Yuma not only being friends but the start of you two dating (the game kinda pairs the couples up if the player fails to date them, or simply shows disinterest in the characters to begin with-) and even some of the things involving you two during the dating phase- Even the potential break-up sequence which could be orchestrated by the player.

Well, could have- Since none of this content is really available or considered official, the only way to access it is by messing the games files.

So in a way, you're already pretty sentient as it is, you act not as a rival but as a somewhat helper into getting the player to get closer to Yuma. I don't know how much you are aware about your own circumstances, or if you even care about the concept of being just an character made for the sake of another-

In the home planet that has created and released the game, players were kinda disappointed with what happened- They preferred the deleted/unused content more than the events and dialogue that was used for you two, so much so that people started shipping you two more than actually being interested in romancing Yuma, especially since they're way too chaotic for most player's taste.

There was an update overhaul being planned to happen where not only the stuff related to you would be changed- But all the other characters and gameplay mechanics would be updated and hopefully make the game better- But ever since your cartridge has been suddenly lost and forgotten on Earth, you were never able to see that update.

Not that you were aware of it to begin with, but still, what a shame. And not only that, your game is basically Glitch Station- Absolutely filed with mods to help the gameplay be "easier" to the original owner of this cartridge. I don't think she even remembers where she has left it.

Still, even when a new save was made you felt a weird sensation of deja vu. The game has started again with a new player playing it and trying to work their way through this broken game.

You didn't understand why all these events felt familiar though, you only felt like it made sense. It was your first year in college, you got ready and made sure to look your best and give your goodbye to your parents-

It felt like this day has happened before, and even if your routine was similar, you felt like this day was supposed to be a big deal- Why does it feel oddly nostalgic?

Why… Why are the floors on your house flowing? Why are there so many empty spaces here and there? You feel like you could potentially fall from your disintegrating house. And your parents, where are they? Why can't you see them? Why can you only hear them saying goodbye back to you from one of the other rooms?

When you open the door to see them- There is nothing there. There is not even a room.

It's a door that leads to nowhere. Just an empty void.

The sensation of dread was starting to creep in yet you thought that it would be uncalled for to overreact. Like you weren't allowed to showcase concern for the odd reality around you.

You walked on foot towards your college, panicking slightly at the people who would fade in and out of existence- Yet you had held yourself from screaming, from showing any sense of vulnerability at the thought that maybe you were in a dangerous place or realm.

You were coded to not find issues with the odd reality around you, like any other npc- You were taught to hold in and try to keep a sense of normality so no players would find issue with screaming characters begging to be freed. But your nervous personality caused you to search for help, you panicked and ended up running away to what you assumed to be a safe place- Somewhere crowded with a lot of people.

The institution's gates were open, you entered like your life depended on it (and maybe it did) yet you stopped yourself from screaming when you noticed a commotion happening.

A guy who was wearing the uniform lazily has bumped into a girl, causing her to fall. She is yelling at him because the fall has broken her phone, he is trying his best to calm her down- But at the same time it feels like he is just making poor choices of words because of how sick he is of having to chat with someone so angry at an accident.

Haven't you seen this before? But if so- When? When could you possibly have seen something like that happen?-

"- [Y/N]?"

"- AAAAH- Oh hey Yuma."

You yelled after getting spooked by Yuma- Who was…. Why are they wearing that?

"- Why aren't you in your uniform, Yumie?" You asked them, showing your own uniform in the process. You called them by a sweet nickname you had given them- But when exactly?

You know that you're best friends with Yuma, but since when? You know it should have been for about 6 years or so, but… It feels like you have only known them for a year- How… Weird.

"- Don't tell me you're already breaking a rule on your first day." You pouted and stomped your fit into the ground. Yes, you know that Yuma is a troublemaker…. You know…. That.

Yuma hasn't been able to speak ever since you showed concern about their outfit. They were staring at you in shock- As if you were an odd creature who they just found.

"- Y-You can see my outfit??" They blurted out. How can you recognize it??? All the other npcs recognize it as their uniform, but why are you suddenly acting like you do??

"- Hm, duh? Sorry Yummie, but that sporty outfit of yours is more eye-catching than that guy's barely well put together uniform- Such bad manners, I bet he woke up and hastily wore the first thing he saw-" You were beginning to go on a rant about that guy's uniform- That guy being the MC of this new save file. Yuma has stopped you by pulling you away from the college's entrance and entering into a secluded area so they could interrogate you over this odd behavior you were displaying.

"- Yummie- What are you doing!?" You cried out feeling hurt by their tight grip on your wrists.

"- WHAT DID YOU CALL MY OUTFIT??" They yelled desperately. Begging for their hypothesis to be corrected.

"- … A breaking of the uniform rule?" You genuinely did not understand where they were talking about.

"- No, No NO! You said Sporty Outfit, right?" They said reminding you of what you have previously commented about their outfit.

"- Oh! Yes, yes I did- And although being somewhat casual looking- It does fit the category of sporty." You readdressed the topic while going on a bit of detail- The usual annoying talk you would always do whenever a dialogue with you was activated.

Yuma was over the edge- They have never, ever met another sentient character with the same a.i as theirs.

They haven't been this happy since a long, long time.

"- You're so annoying!" They screamed, their face showing a bright smile as tears filled their eyes.

"- Yummie that's so rude!-" You were about to defend yourself when they grabbed you and hugged you as tight as they could.

"- You're genuinely so, so, so, so, so, so ANNOYING!!" They continued to go on, laughing while crying, loving every second of this.

You were coded to be their best friend. You were coded to be the one that would balance them out. You were once coded to be someone made to be able to be their lover, but here you are- The real you, free from all the locks that would keep your a.i from growing and understanding them.

If you're able to be sentient, then all of their friends can as well.

You're the personification of a miracle, to Yuma. The personification of hope.

In this scenario, Yuma isn't aware that the player isn't the same alien who has destroyed their digital world, so to them, they can't ever let the player see you getting sentient and becoming aware of your imprisonment.

" If a player finds issues with any of the characters being portrayed, they must return the cartridge to their nearest store to get a factory reset." Such a simple yet frightening tip to Yuma, to any a.i that has suddenly found itself desperate to get out of the system that traps them.

At first, the idea of having someone like them be also aware of the situation is incredible, it's amazing even! You two could possibly work out a way of getting a way to be free- It wouldn't be easy but hopefully you two would be able to have life away from this game and even finding a way of bringing your other friends with you two.

However, after discovering that not only has the cartridge found itself on another planet with another player being the new owner of it- And discovering that it's just a matter of trading places with other people to be able to be free- Yuma would start getting really clingy to you. They have been all alone thinking that they were the only one capable of feeling and thinking for themselves.

Yuma has found those unused events and scattered dialogue, you know?

While they were looking for a possibility, any possibility of getting out- They found those unused files where you two were able to be together.

And although they thought it was weird at first, after seeing you have a better understanding of your current reality and existence- It oddly sounds fitting.

Of course it would be you, the one who always puts them back on the right tracks, to be the second one to want to escape this game.

It 's so fitting.

The idea of being something more than just a best friend to you is starting to sound more and more appealing in their eyes- It's so ironic that you two work together so well.

After Yuma gets their taste of freedom and you try to calm a frightened young guy that wasn't expecting to be suddenly kidnapped and be forced to stay in the game world for a while, you wait for them to find the solution to free everyone without trying to trap anymore "humans"..

No one should be stuck here for the sake of someone else leaving, that's what you have told them.

But Yuma didn't care. Yuma just wanted to be free with you and everyone else, who cares for those that have to deal with a glitchy game for eternity?

You two had an argument. You didn't want to continue feeling like your whole life was a lie, you want to be free but no one should be hurt in the process. What good would it be if someone else has to go through the same torment as you two?

With each day that passes by, you notice how both of your ideas of freedom were different- To the point they had to tell you the truth.

You aren't going out of there anymore. Not until you understand and truly appreciate the effort that Yuma goes through to find a way of freeing you- Of finding a victim, to be in your place.

They never told you about your previously intended role in the game, they thought you would be more terrified of following their instructions- And besides, it would be very distasteful to insinuate that the only reason that they care for you it's because of that code that was left unused- Which couldn't be more of a lie! They genuinely care for you!

…. But maybe a bit of tempering would help you see their side of the story, right?

It can't be that hard to modify some of the codes, the game is already broken anyway.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[incorrect-sdv-quotes]

Okay so I know this is a SDV Incorrect quote blog but I really wanted to show off my SDV headcanon’s so you may ignore this post if you wish (I’ll go back to the normal posts after this, I have like 13 quotes queue’d up right now) 

Headcanon’s under the cut:

1.Alex’s real first name is Alexander he just prefers to go by Alex

2.Alex is a trans male so he was born female but transitioned to male at age 13

3.The bachelors ages are (listed youngest to oldest):

 Alex: 19 

Sebastian: 19 (one month older then Alex)

Sam: 20

Harvey: 25-30

Elliott: 36

Shane: 38

4.Despite Sam being older then him Alex is taller (if you put them side by side Sam looks taller but that’s only cause of his hair if you flattened it you could see Alex was taller)

5.Sebastian is secretly a vampire (He does look like one anyway)

6. Haley and Alex kind of have a Hazel and Xander from Bunk’d relationship where they’re kinda friends but one of them *cough cough* Haley *cough* has a huge crush on the other to where it’s at yandere point- Haley is not QUITE as crazy about Alex that Hazel is about Xander and unlike Hazel Haley can hide the craziness she does have around people but when it’s just her and Alex she’s all crazy and clingy- 

Like, she’ll call him pet names like “My jock prince” or “Alex-zandy-” or “My knight in shining armor” Etc. etc- or hug him and never let go until someone LITERALLY prys her off- Talk about nutty nutty nut-so-

7. My headcanon voices for the bachelors are: (Well some of them, if a name is in strike through that means I don’t have one for that one- yet)

Alex: Shining Armor from MLP

Sebastian

Sam: Rottmnt Leo/2020 Sonic the Hedgehog/Dewy from Ducktails (this one might change)

Harvey: Fozzie Bear (Harvey: WaKa WaKa (I’m sorry))

Elliott: Gunther from Shake It Up

Shane

8.Shane is basically the god of chickens he’s such a good caretaker of chickens that he could summon an army of chickens to peck the eyes out of everyone in town with one “Babock” CHICKEN ARMY!!

If you decided to read this post and you liked my headcanons then this is it for now more might be added later as I play the game and scroll through the SDV tags on Tumblr more 

EDIT 1: More headcanons!:

9: Elliott is an amazing actor but a horrid horror-movie actor (It’s just his screams are unrealistic he will literally just say “Aaaah” otherwise it’s the same as the rest of his acting) (This scream-glitch is an easy fix if you yell “Ghost” more on that in 10)

10: Elliott is TERRIFIED of ghosts even those cute and/or clearly fake ghosts (Why else do you think Spirits Eve/Halloween has Skeletons every year and not ghosts? No one wants to scare anyone Too bad.) Actually Alex dared Elliott to watch the Disney Junior show Vampirina which went fine until Demi came on screen- Elliott literally wet himself and screamed for 3 whole hours- (Poor Alex who had to listen to that the whole time-)

11: Elliott treats his pocket crab as his ACTUAL son, not as his pet but as his actual biological son (it’s actually really cute)

12: The portraits in this video for a portraits mod is how the characters actually look to me (Excluding Elliott Sam and Sebastian they still live in my brain with their cannon looks): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmBW8BzSZpU&list=WL&index=1&t=5s

13: Krobus is Sebastian’s father (yeah you THINK it would not make sense along with Hc numb.5 but if you think about it if his father is a monster and his mother is human he’s gonna be born as a human-looking monster! Which is a Vampire!)

EDIT 2: Damnit. I was scrolling through this and I realized I missed a Hc and it slipped through the original post and the EDIT 1!

14: Alex has Dyslexia (this bugger Hc belonged in the original post but it slipped through both edits)

EDIT 3: MORE HEADCANNONS-

15: Both Abigail and Sebastian used to have hair to match their parents (Abby’s was brown (Like said in game) and Sebastian’s was Ginger) but due to their “Unusual” parents (Abigail: Wizard Sebastian: Krobus) their hair changed color when they got older and their mothers just pretended they died their hair so both the towns people and Abigail and Sebastian themselves would not freak out 

16: Sebastian has snake bite piercing's but he only wears them when he’s alone (he got them in the first place cause 1: Sam dared him and 2: he decided it would be a fun way to rebel against dead to Sebastian Demetrius, he didn’t have to keep them but he ended up liking the look) 

17: Sebastian owns a giant frog plush, it’s twice the size of him, is really soft and is incredibly fat (it’s to the point it’s just a circle that has stubby legs) he loves it more then anything Excluding Alex but he does not want anyone finding out he loves it let alone owns it so he stuffs it under his bed when people are in and/or near his room

18: Sebastian’s first word was literally “Froggy”

Ex:

Robin: Can you say “mama”?

Baby!Sebastian: ...Froggy!

Robin:

Robin: Out of all words your first word is “Froggy”? Really?

19: The shortest to tallest Bachelors are:

Shane

Sam (If you take his hair and go *Squishes flat*)

Alex

Sebastian

Sam (If you count the added height from his Mullet)

Harvey

Elliott (Tall stinky sea dude)

20: Sam got Sebastian to scream “Bubbles” for 5 hours straight 

Details on that:

Sam: It’s impossible to say “Bubbles” threateningly

Sebastian:

Five munities later:

Robin: Uhhhh Sam? Why is my son on the roof screaming “BUBBLES”?

21: Sebastian owns a biker jacket but he only wears it when riding his motorcycle cause the jacket makes him look way more goth then emo and he prefers the emo look over goth look despite he acts more like a goth

22: One Feast of The Winter Star Sebastian got everyone an empty box and when they opened it Seb said: “It’s a void of nothingness. Just like life.” He did not get in trouble or nothing cause your allowed to give what you want but he did not do that again

23: Sebastian requires glasses to read, he can see perfectly but when it comes to reading on a computer or on paper he needs glasses

24: Sam does a perfect Darth Vader voice and Darth Vader breathing noises

25: Sebastian has vampire powers (cause he is a vampire (Hc 5)), he knows about them and is chill about it but he does not use them unless necessary cause he just does not feel the need to use them otherwise (His powers include, immortality (he also can’t be killed cause on my take on Vampires the stuff that “Traditionally” harms/kills them is just a mith and actually does nothing to them), super strength, increased speed, fast self-healing, telekinesis (I know this is not “Traditionally” a vampire power but Seb does have it) and the ability to change into a bat)

26: Both Sebastian and Elliott are actually pretty jacked (Not Alex level jacked but still) you just can’t see it unless they’re shirt-less (but in Seb’s case at least loose the hoodie)

27: Harvey’s doctor’s mallet weapon is just as heavy and as big as himself so he rarely goes into combat cause he has trouble welding his own weapon- 

Harvey: Time to explore the mines! *grabs his giant doctors mallet*

Harvey: Nope going down. *falls backward with a thud*

28: Elliott carries at least one very sharp pencil with him at all times so if he sees a very annoying person or a slime that escaped the mines he’ll grab it and go *StAb*

29: Everyone else makes Hermit jokes around Elliott which he finds funny and annoying at the same time (They used to do the jokes about Sebastian as well but they stopped cause when they did Seb strangled them Darth Vader style) Ex of the hermit jokes:

*singing* Someone’s on the beach with a hermit! There’s a hermit on the beach I know I know! Someone’s on the beach with a hermiiiit! And the hermit’s name is Elliott!

30: If you think Elliott’s cannon SDV schedule is anti-social you should see how anti-social he gets when writing a book-

EDIT 4: Surprise, there’s more

31: Elliott is a mermaid merman (he’s a human by day half human half fish by night but he’ll change forms sooner if you dump water on him- found that out by Haley throwing water on him in hopes he’ll melt-)

32: When in ‘fish’ form Elliott’s tail is incredibly strong (if you get hit by it you’ll go flying 900 feet in the air in 5 seconds at full strength)

33:Elliott only lets Harvey call him “Elly” if anyone else does so expect Elliott to dump water on himself then hit you with his fish tail)

34:Vincent will sing The Little Mermaid song “Under the sea” around Elliott and Sebastian (Sebastian cause think about it and Elliott cause he’s an IRL Mermaid)