#Idk. I'm not that good at nutrition while running I think but I'm not that BAD at it either

[bsaka7]

ranking running fuel that i've tried so far

Maurten gel 100/caf 100 . this stuff is crazy like I did NOT believe the guy when he told me he only took 3 gels during a marathon and at my pace that is not feasable but like. Best gel I've tried. Mild flavor, good (more solid but not really) consistency, and both an immidiate and a lasting energy boost.

Maurten gel 160. again perfect combo of flavor, consistency, and boost, but no caffeine. I've only tried this 1x otherwise it might be No1. Only major L is these r both PRICY.

Gu (w/ caf or w/out). Gu is the first sports gel I did cuz my dad does them and I don't mind them tbh. I like the flavor variety though I'm not the hugest fan of some of them... Consistency doesn't usually bother me. 100cal so a little smaller than the no caf maurten. I feel like they have a good energy hit to them... Classic for a reason?

Random chew I got given at my last race. I don't usually like chews but this one kept me from cramping and tasted good. I think it was a european brand. Tougher than other chews I had but in a good way. This is really unhelpful isn't it. Might convince me to try some more chews if I can, you know, find them. Also I got mad bored with my gels on my long run today even though they were all different flavors.

Hammer Nutrition gel. I remember really liking the flavor - maybe it was huckleberry? - but then I couldn't find it again and then I gave up. Other than that, I must have thought it was about the same

Gu Rocktane. I've only done this one once (during my marathon) and I think it was the green one. Seemed good? All these caffeine ones I never know if I'm quite using right but they don't bother me as long as I don't have a crazy amount. Only 1 or max 2 with caf if I mess up what I bring anyway.

Science in Sport gel. GOOD OTHER THAN THE ORANGE FLAVOR. I HATE THE ORANGE FLAVOR. I thought I hated these but I'd just tried orange first and unfortunatly I have like 3more orange flavor bc i bought a BOX. my current ranking is pineapple, apple, berry (?), probably every flavor I've never tried, and then orange. I also really don't like the consistency but it's fine. Tolerable. Probably the best if I had to take one without water?

Honey stinger chews. I feel like i liked these and they were a good size and not too much chewing. Good for slower intake?? I didn't feel like they did much except make me look forward to having a little round chewy thing.

Honey stinger stroopwafel. I love a stroopwafel but I don't really know why they are an energy thing. The taste is great. Probably #1 on this list in taste. However there are CRUMBS. I hate chewing things with crumbs WHILE RUNNING because I'm convinced I'm going to inhale and choke.

Applesauce? Like the kids ones? I actually kind of loved the flavor and got a little boost but it didn't feel like it lasted. I also don't LOVE the consistency while running. Almost a little too liquid?

Cliff bar. I like a cliff bar and they don't have the crumb issue. But also they are a cliff bar... They are so heavy. But they'll do in a pinch. I actually miss cliff bars...

Candy rings this guy I was running with shared. Too sweet and I had to chew. Bonus would be they are super cheap. Maybe if I was running way further I'd eat more candy.

Honey stinger gel. I've only done this one once and I was convinced it did nothing. I think i also thought it was too sweet. This was like, two years ago take this with a grain of salt.

Nature valley bar. Only when desperate. I don't want to choke to death. Probably my go-to granola bar otherwise tho. Good before or after.

Turron bar. HORRIBLE. not only mediocre on taste but also i was convinced I was going to inhale almond bits and die. Why a nut candy bar was marketed for sports... I don't know. So. Much. Chewing. I didn't know what this was before trying to eat it while running. L.

[thebangtancloud]

I'm really afraid...

dearest readers, it's been the longest period of time I've been away from Tumblr - a place that really had become a stress buster for me for the past whole year. Needless to say, I'm more stressed than I've ever been.

Tomorrow by this, I'd probably be sleeping for 16 hours straight after finishing my exam. I really needed to come here and just let out a few of my frustrations before I can write my exam tomorrow. I'm really struggling with a shit ton of things rn, and it's really come to the stage where I've saturated my brain to the point where I go blank minutes into opening my book. Maybe I just need to talk about it.

Thankfully I'm not as anxious as I thought I would be. A few months ago - when my anxiety was getting out of my hand - there would be instances I'd simply pass out due to my stress, which I feared would happen during my exam or even before it. I made it a point to eat healthy food regularly to give my body the nutrition that it needs, but somewhere down the line, I haven't been taking good care of myself.

I've stopped working out like I used to, I don't run anymore and neither am I able to sit through long workouts because I'm exhausted from sitting at my desk all day. A few weeks ago I went through a really dark phase, to the point where I wasted a good week doing absolutely nothing but lying down in the darkness and thinking about all the things that could go wrong with my life. During that time, I excessively slept for almost 12 hours each day, went to cook some food or do some work and lie back down for another nap. That really terrified me, because one day I found myself taking the lift to the last floor of my building and simply standing by an open window - emotionless. That really... idk. That scared me. It planted a thought in my head that should never germinate, never even be there for that matter. I told my mum that night and needless to say, she was really shaken. She clearly told me the next day when she left for work, "Just take it easy. And don't go to the 18th floor. Just don't."

Of course, I haven't gone there ever since. Maybe it was me crying out to God every night - but I came out of that phase just as quickly as I slipped into it. I don't even want to mention this, but it's been playing on my mind for a while so why not. There was this big thing in my country regarding the postponement of the entrance exam. Apparently, the dates were clashing with a bunch of different exams and giving the students a lot of stress. A case was filed which was taken to the High Court because apparently there were 16 reported suicides due to the pressure on the students. The case - of course - was dismissed with the exam scheduled to take place as planned. That just really disturbed me.

I'm much more active now, just not like I want to be. I want to go for a run. I want to work out till my lungs burns. I want to go cycling in the rain. And I will after I'm done with this exam.

I know you're probably thinking of telling me to take it easy, but since I've given this exam last year and couldn't clear it, I know the stress and the disappointment that follows. I don't want to be in that same place again.

Thankfully, I feel healthy, unlike a few months ago when I'd feel lightheaded not even an hour after eating something (which was all due to my anxiety lol). I'm much more confident about my paper - the only fear now being blanking out in the middle of the exam.

*sigh*

I feel good to write this. I feel good to be back on Tumblr. The comments and messages people have left really warm my heart and make me feel so loved. Thank you so much for that. I love you all.

It's only me predicting the hibernation that I'll slip into after my exam, but my mum insists that I'll be too excited to even think of sleeping lol. If I do not end up sleeping for days on end, I'll soon be here to chat with you all!!

~Ray🌦

[carrotzcake]

back to our regularly scheduled mental illness program

i went to the dollar store today. this, in itself, is quite a feat because i literally never once went to the dollar store growing up. my mom says it's trashy and poor quality. but since i moved to a new neighborhood in April, it's the closest place to purchase anything I might need relatively quickly.

while I there I had the thought (as I often do) 'oh, I should buy some snacks to have on hand'

then proceeded to have extreme anxiety trying to choose something because they don't carry my typical safe snacks (which may or may not relate to the messages i got about dollar stores growing up).

i don't ever get panic attacks, at least in the way that i understand them, but i move about with increasing urgency, literally pacing up and down aisles, checking and comparing nutrition facts, trying to determine whether or not it's worth actually purchasing the item, whether or not i'll actually eat it. i guess there's that whole thing of 'if i don't have it in your house, i'm less likely to eat it' which is COMPLETE BULLSHIT DON"T RESTRICT YOURSELF from foods you enjoy but these thoughts run wildly through my mind.

i suppose this is just further indication that i legitimately have an eating disorder, though for years i was in denial and after that i just didn't really want to be helped. now i'm weight restored for the first time in 5 years so it's just exceedingly triggering. i think it would be less triggering if other aspects of my life were going well; if my treatment providers weren't leaving their practices, if i wasn't unemployed yet again, if people respected my boundaries, if my family somehow magically understood how to support me, if i had a close group of friends and/or partner i could rely on.

but i have none of these things. i only have, as i always have, the rigidity, consistency, stability and predictability of my disorder.

what's funny is i actually had a relatively good day? it felt productive while also relaxing and enjoyable but maybe there's part of me attributes that to the disorder-like, see? shit legitimately hit the fan when i was actually expressive about boundaries and emotions and that got me in more trouble than my ED ever has.

sighh. i just. idk.

(note: i was able to compromise and purchase some "less safe" snacks but i also made the longer trek to a store that stocked what i/my ED prefers (i can't distinguish sometimes)

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.