#actuallyED

[honeycalories]

when youve been suffering your ed for years and see a newbie say "i cant wait to reach my gw so i can eat whatever i want!!!"

[edo-vivendum]

I'm not really on tumblr as much as I used to be, but that's because my life has grown to encompass so so so much more.

I'm no longer obsessing daily about my body and my progress towards a goal (whether that be a healthy goal or not).

Recovery is so so so important, but your life won't always be this hard. You can get through this to the other side. I struggled for yeeeeaaars and thought it'd never be over. And it was bad... I'm not going to quantify my struggle, but it was very real. (I realize some success stories are difficult to be motivated by if the ED doesn't seem "as bad"... I dont believe body numbers are relevant, but it did take me years of various levels of treatment to get to a good place).

I still struggle with food sensitives (ARFID) but my life is nolonger controlled by anorexia (or arfid for that matter). I'm confident in my body. I have a career that I love. I'm healthy. I have a loving relationship. I can take care of myself as an adult. I'm happy.

I can't tell you exactly what did the trick for me. Various medications. Careful mechanical eating for a long time. Controlled challenges. Mindfulness exercises. The biggest thing for me was trauma work. Trauma was why I kept going back to my ED, so it just kept coming back until I dealt with my trauma. And that was hard. So hard. But soooo worth it. I gained more weight than I wanted to. More than what is strictly BMI healthy. And that was so scary. But at a higher bmi, I actually found myself more comfortable. Way more confident.

There's not a magic cure, and it's hard as shit. Many of us won't get to the other side.... But you might, and if you do, it's so worth it. Why settle for misery when there's a potential for something better?

[carrotzcake]

i had a really good therapy session today and coffee date, challenged myself by splitting a pastry andd made an everyplate meal (my friend gave me a coupon) without focusing too much on the nutritional info. some anxiety about it but it was tasty and felt good about trying something new! date was #3 with this person and it feels really promising. i haven't drank since thursday so fully detoxed, feeling more clearheaded, sleeping better, not urgey.

[kawa-isnt-here]

Today, my mom saw that i didn't eat my food (i pack food for school on the days i stay late)

She told me "You better not get anorexic on me! if you get anorexia, I'm having you commited [to a hospital]" (shitty translation bc english is not my first language )

never gonna tell them about my ED, that's for sure!

[thedarkishhours]

I wish I would just fucking relapse and keep restricting instead of this restrict for a little while, binge for a little while and then be normal and repeat shit.

I want to restrict and lose the weight and keep it at least mostly off.

I��m tired.

[trahax]

I used to spend a lot of time on tumblr, writing about my life which ended up mostly being about academia and my raging eating disorder. I was here for the birth of the #actuallyed, #actuallyanorexia, etc tags and at some point had a surprisingly non-zero amount of followers. I do not expect anyone to remember me (I think everyone from that era is long gone) but I blogged mostly as @swallowing--stones and have long since lost the log-in information.

I deleted everything in 2017 (I think?) because it had become so tied to my real life via people who knew me from treatment as well as on tumblr that it wasn't a safe place to empty my thoughts anymore. And I was desperately trying to imagine myself without an eating disorder anyway.

I don't feel like typing up a life history, but here's a tl;dr:

I developed symptoms in 2011 and then refused all attempts at intervention until 2015, at which point I was quite ill and simply could not really function anymore and was scared that I would not be able to earn a PhD if I remained that sick.

I spent the next ~4.5 years in and out of hospitals and treatment programs. Constantly feeling like I was being disappeared from my own life whenever my weight got too low or labs were too far off or whatever.

I walked away from treatment entirely just before 2020. To do so, I purposefully waited until a moment when my weight was high enough and labs stable enough that I could not be legally held.

I have never achieved a period of remission or recovery.

Somehow I did earn my PhD and am now a postdoc, still as eating disordered as ever.

Basically, I just want a semi-anonymous place to maybe write about some of these things again. I don't know if there's still a community here of adults who are just trying to live despite illness (and who are not pro-ED or glorifying their illness) but I guess I'll find out.

[221bluescarf]

It's been a few years, now it's my 🍂favorite season🍂 and about time I updated my bio. This is my main blog to contribute to the mental illness and chronic illness community with support, humor, original content and reblogs. SFW only. My personal text posts have the 221bluescarf.txt tag.

❀ Stats:

Quasi recovery

In treatment - Outpatient

Surviving on of the kindness of my family

❀ Living with:

Schizoaffective, Bipolar type

Anorexia Nervosa

Inattentive ADHD

Social Anxiety disorder

IBS and gastroparesis

❀ Interests:

Humor and memes

Mental health and support

SH and ED recovery

Neurodivergent things

Animals, especially reptiles

Art and creative stuff

Ask box/dms always open

[vilea777]

sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

[miniaturecatmentality]

guys I just found the greatest video on the internet

[honeycalories]

when youve been suffering your ed for years and see a newbie say "i cant wait to reach my gw so i can eat whatever i want!!!"

[solidwater05]

Pros of hyperfixiation:

Happy!

Art ideas

Life is good

Cons of hyperfixiation:

I am going to blow up

All my art is of the same guy

If I don't think about this 24/7 I get violent

[carrotzcake]

my family session went surprisingly well. i've gotten my drinking back under control and a friend gave me a couple of coupons for some meal delivery services which are helping me branch out more. It's also dare I say, fun(?!) to learn to cook beyond the basics I'm used to. it's helping me keep my fridge stocked too; I have a tendency to either have no food, or buy too much that then goes bad.

went on a second date last night which went super well☺️i'm also more casually seeing someone who's in a poly relationship; ultimately i see myself in a monogamous relationship, I'd like to get married and have a family but I'm almost 33 and beginning to rethink what that might look like. for the time being, i'm prioritizing myself, dating around, seeing what happens. i'm also leaning into fulfilling friendships and community involvement, which feels productive.

[generaln0m]

ADHD pro tip: Use psychological warfare on yourself.

For example, in order to do long tasks, like folding laundry, I put on the Mario Hat:

The main feature of the Mario hat is that my headset does not fit over it, so when The Bees™ try to put me back in front of the screen, the headset issue forces me to remember why I put the Mario hat on, and back to the task I go

As a bonus, the Mario hat is also a very clear indicator to my housemates that business is getting done, and they have learned not to distract me when I'm wearing the "goofy-ass cosplay hat"

It's not stupid if it works.

[thedarkishhours]

I’ve lost 6.4 pounds in like 4 days 😬😬😬

I’m on a medication that’s a diuretic (not intentionally on it for that purpose) but between that medication and restricting, I’ve lost a decent amount

Hahaha I hope it’s at least a full blown relapse. I’m tired of fucking up for a bit and then being okay. I want all or nothing at this point.

Like Christ at least let me lose 20 pounds before I level out again 😩

[snakeautistic]

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

[bisexualseraphim]

ADHD at night: I could write a book. I could get my Master’s Degree. I could go to the club and come home with 12 new friends. I could get a job at that club and meet the mother of my children. I could cure every disease and use my wealth to bring world peace.

ADHD during the day: Fold laundry too hard :( Come back next week