carrotzcake

[carrotzcake]

managed to eat something and went to the farmers market. feel really fatigued though. and experiencing a lot of tightness in my legs. i've been complaining of consistent inflammation, muscle pain, fatigue for quite some time. no one takes me seriously. maybe it's just my depression, eating disorder, anxiety, ptsd, presenting somatically.

i reached out to a friend who i thought i'd hit it off with. hadn't heard from him in a while. he wrote back he basically doesn't want to be with me and thinks i'm a drunk and that i'm hiding something.

so nice to hear.

[carrotzcake]

bored, depressed, lonely, no motivation to do anything, wish i had hobbies or friends or a care in the world

[carrotzcake]

eat leftover b/p food i ordered as a normal balanced meal? at 3pm? despite symptom use, dysmorphia, general misery on this gloomy day?

sure, what could possibly go wrong.

in all honesty though, as I took a shower this morning, like I do often, I reflected on where I'm at, how i'm here [again] and what the hell i'm doing with my life. i try again to input a routine, find a job, ignore the ruminating self-depricating thoughts that constantly flow through the background. the doubt, the fear.

[carrotzcake]

Oh how the tables have turned.

I felt hungry this afternoon. So I made some semblance of a lunch. I had a decent smoothie for breakfast and felt almost proud of my progress. But now…after I took a bath, confronted with my body a bit too long, snacked a little aimlessly before dinner, am now eating an actual dinner “too close” to when I ate earlier? And it’s high in fat? And I can just feel my brain going. I’ll keep watching law & order reruns and ignore it I guess but I wish I had something else to do.

[carrotzcake]

le sigh. making bad decisions. dgaf

[carrotzcake]

A bunch of people are posting, grieving the death of a young woman I met in treatment once. I didn’t know her too well. I have a very visceral clear memory of her having a panic attack/breakdown/trauma response outside of the nurses station, ugly crying hitting her head against the wall while staff tried to intervene.

I just wanted my morning medication.

She didn’t stay at that level of care long, hadn’t been making progress for weeks.

I never thought of her again really.

Periodically friends would ‘befriend’ her

She’d appear in my

People you may know

Mutuals all tell a story of a specific time in my life.

I thought she was annoying. Triggering. Difficult.

Now she’s dead. She was 26 years old.

[carrotzcake]

cw: adult talk

I have a kind of embarrassing s*x question and idk what to do about it...

...i realize this is something i should just speak with my s*xual partner about

[carrotzcake]

i hate being hungry sometimes i especially hate being hungry when my weight is up when i don't feel like I deserve anything but my bed. my morning work training was rescheduled which means I have to actually do work...or avoid it altogether which is my latest MO. If i don't hear back from one of the jobs i applied to soon, I'm going to lose it. If I don't figure out what my partner(?) wants out of this relationship, if I don't get ahold of my trauma or my emotional reactivity or my maladaptive behaviors...I'm not going to make it. I increasingly have difficulty leaving my house if not for a specific purpose. too often that purpse isn't productive or proactive.

[carrotzcake]

sometimes i don't even feel like i have an eating disorder

[carrotzcake]

I feel like I've been making progress in therapy. and by that I mean understanding/articulating what my therapist has been trying to tell me? 'made breakthroughs' sounds a little dramatic, but in our last two sessions I think I was able to connect the dots between certain things and open the door for actual progress. I've been resistent...unintentionally avoidant, closed off, preventing myself from fully accepting help. At least I'm more aware of that now...not sure what good it will do me.

But progress doesn't feel good. Maybe it's just the other things going on in my life but I feel so isolated, alone, exposed. I'm having a hard time with food. My dietician has all but abandoned me, work contines to be a huge stressor/trauma trigger, I can't decide if I would benefit from a higher level of care or if I can afford it (in every sense of the word). it's hard to even describe my symptoms...I don't feel like I'm intentionally engaging in behaviors but I recognize that I'm not actively making decisions in the direction of recovery...and I'm not mad about it. I also recognize that the more I do that, the more difficulty I have engaging in recovery oriented behaviors. ED related thoughts and anxieties return, reinforced by comments from others.

It's superbowl sunday and I have no plans. I'm on an antibiotic that apparently causes me to get really sick if I drink so I can't drink which is good, I guess...I thought about starting it tomorrow but I figured I should probably treat an infection before it got worse. and I could use a break from drinking...it's been difficult. my partner(?) texted friday that he'd be passing through town so I anticipate seeing him but to be honest, I don't even know how to define our relationship. I want to get more clarification but whenever I see him, it's not for long and I just want to enjoy his company.

[carrotzcake]

Inpatient doesn’t want to accept me…probably because I threatened them with a lawsuit. They’ve referred me out once to res, then to another IP facility. They said I “don’t meet the criteria” which is false.

I want IP because I just want a jumpstart on nutritional rehabilitation and weight restoration, with a program and team I know and trust, along with appropriate medical care as needed given my changes in medication and physiological symptoms.

I did an assessment at 2 other places, one recommended res, one approved me for php. Apparently I don’t qualify for FMLA so I should just quit since this job has been nothing but trouble. If I at least give notice, by the end of 2 weeks, I’ll hopefully have a job offer or be off the php waitlist? I wouldn’t have insurance unless I paid for cobra but my psych and therapist don’t even take insurance.

I don’t want to be surrounded by exceedingly sick people who are playing games and triggering me for weeks on end. I want to be in and out, get my life back on track.

In some ways, I don’t think I’m sick. I think I can get well if I spend more time on my recovery and less in ptsd flashbacks or panicking at work. If my RD would actually attend a session and follow thru with what she’s said she’ll do, maybe I’d be in a better place.

[carrotzcake]

i don't know what this is. behaviorally, i'm clearly not doing great. but there's a disconnect...my mindset isn't obsessive around calories or food or weight [though i do have some intrusive thoughts]. i mostly exist in this slightly dissociated state, i don't know where i'm going, what i'm diong, what i want, what i need.

[carrotzcake]

my therapist said he's going to start challenging me directly more. in part, I'm glad. this is what I need. I'm a little offended that he said I'm sensitive, though I know people have said that before and that it's not necessarily a bad thing. I do think I'm more emotionally reactive in recent years, whether that's due to the accumulation of traumas or what, i don't know.

i need a new job i need a new job i need a new job

[carrotzcake]

Real question, do other adults have friends? Hobbies? Lives?

[carrotzcake]

drunkenly ordered b/p food last night then passed out before it arrived. now it's just...here. do I throw it out? eat it like a normal person? use it as intended? it's not even noon. my head hurts. it's the 4th day of the year and i've drank every day thus far. i thought things would be different. idk why...but i didn't drink for a week while home and it wasn't an issue. now it's just so easy to gravitate towards and disappear. but i don't like the hangover. i don't like how it impacts my body or my mind. but the more sober i am the more i have to think, the more i remember, the more afraid i am

[carrotzcake]

idk why I ever expect my family dynamics to be different remind me why I put in years of intensive therapy and treatment only for them to continuously hold my illnesses over my head, blame me for their inability to be self-aware or educated about eating disorders/mental illness recovery and complete and utter failure to be supportive? (mostly my mom. who gaslights and dismisses absolutely everything. my dad agrees she does this-with him too, but when I say things like 'i'm sweating overnight because i'm hypermetabolic and i wake up starving and i don't think i'll be able to sustain a pregnancy at this weight' she's just like "i don't think that's right. that's just my opinion but your set point weight they say you should be at isn't accurate. I don't think you should go back to treatment for weight restoration even though that's what you're explicitly stating you want because you'll just lose again")

geeeee thanks for the support. i actually have a very complex case history, due to my severe and enduring eating disorder, possibly micropremature birth, and additional health conditions and oh yeah, she's not a health professional whatsoever. she's just like "well you're maintaining now, right? and you're doing so much better! eating!"

...yeah and I'm XXlbs below what I need to be. it's frustrating and I feel like a failure because I'm trying SO HARD and my body is fighting against me, also my job wants to fire me and I'm broke. she lives in her happy little retired oblivious life.

merry fucking christmas.

I miss posting on here more regularly & keeping up with those of you I follow. let me know how you're all doing. feel free to send asks or comments.

[carrotzcake]

I'm not doing well if i don't get offered a new job soon, I really don't know what to do I cannot keep working at this job, it exacerbates my PTSD so much now that my role has been directly threatened.