carrotzcake - Tumblr blog

[carrotzcake]

i don't know where i thought i was going but this isn't it. idk what it is i want in life or if i can ever achieve it

[carrotzcake]

yayy my plans for tonight got cancelled!🙌 today was such a waste. i'm exhausted. probably would feel better if I ate

[carrotzcake]

i might say i've been 'doing well' behaviorally, and I have been. i might say I entered treatment in a better place mentally than I ever have before, and that's true.

but that doesn't mean it's not hard. that doesn't mean i'm still not impacted by other people's behaviors. that doesn't mean i don't want to dive head first into the sickness that carried me through it all.

it's exhausting trying to support peers and hold yourself up sometimes. they get to do x, y, z, why can't i? what's stopping me?

it's nice to not be so obsessive, i suppose. to be able to eat more freely, though the guilt tends to creep in. but especially through the trauma and ptsd or dissociation or whatever the fuck keeps happening when my brain just breaks...it's so scary. i miss my safe enclosed little world where everything made sense.

[carrotzcake]

i feel like coming IP was a complete waste of my time. it took me away from work for 2.5 weeks which adds to the anxiety I have of maintaining employment, not to mention I'm now way behind and had to miss a conference and training I was looking forward to. immediately prior to coming in, I was exceedingly physiologically dysregulated after a trauma trigger but idk, maybe I could have calmed down and stabilized at home. that wasn't entirely way I came in-I know my weight has dropped significantly since last summer, but I've been doing well behaviorally and being back here brings back memories of times that I've been really sick. not to mention the rules of the program, other patients, certain systemic issues, bring me back to a more unhealthy mindset. and for the first time, I notified the masses via social media that i was being hospitalized (as a way to communicate postponed birthday plans) but I'm typically very private about my personal health so its uncomfortable knowing people know 'somethings wrong'. I miss my cat. I miss my partner. I miss the ability to go outside for a walk. rumor has it I can leave early next week but no one knows when my last covered day is except my therapist who was out yesterday & thru the weekend. unsure of how to arrange for a ride given such short notice. part of me just wants to take 2hr public transit back and be by myself.

[carrotzcake]

My body rebelling against me to the point that I’m back in the hospital sure does suck but at least I have @theaeolianharpist to keep me company! She’s kicking ass btw go congratulate her👏

[carrotzcake]

wtfff why am i so hungry? it's 5:30. i actually had a snack at 4. and i ate a solid breakfast (at 8am) and was hungry again by 11 (any knowledgable RD or person in recovery, myself including, would say I should've eaten a snack.) i did not eat a snack but I did have a complete and balanced lunch at 1. and i just smoked the rest of my weed and my last cigarette and found myself just going for diet pepsi and that's all fine and good. i should just have dinner earlier like a normal person. instead i wandered to the liquor store. i'm doing my best to stave off drinking to manage my anxieties and hunger because i know that will result in further symptom use, a hangover and generally feeling shitty but oh yeah, i was already feeling shitty. it's only 5:30pm. most people are getting off of work. i "worked" from home from 8-3 today (i'm part-time). i maybe sent one email. i have no work to do, and I've asked for more work, more hours, etc. i went for three walks today, went to target, did some serious nutmeg cuddling and meal prep/eating. and there's still like at least 5 more hours until it's acceptable to actually sleep.

[carrotzcake]

too many thoughts for a tuesday morning. weight remains stable/"up". maybe it was just down 'cause i was on my period. i wanted french toast for breakfast. i waffled (no pun intended) but chose to eat what i wanted. thinking about @theaeolianharpist, knowing what she must be doing, feeling right now, probably also shuffling to breakfast. Eric, my RD there would be proud i chose what i want. i suppose i am too, it was tasty. but ate too fast, my brain tells me, and an hour earlier than usual [since i didn't commute into work and couldn't sleep in]. like my body can tell time, cares. i want to go for a walk but it's cold out. maybe i can go back to bed? i

[carrotzcake]

Feeling frustrated at my body and hunger cues today. I continue to feel “bigger” and my weight reflects that. I know I need to eat more to 1. get back into a healthier routine 2. regulate my metabolism and likely result in weight loss but climbing over this counterintuitive mountain in my mind is impossible.

[carrotzcake]

lol never mind

i feel confident, well, capable, enough to get through the night without symptoms. I had a decent day food-wise "getting back on track" but I fear my behavior use from last week has caught up with me and my weight will be up. i look bloated, heavier, idk. I'm so uncomfortable

[carrotzcake]

i feel confident, well, capable, enough to get through the night without symptoms. I had a decent day food-wise "getting back on track" but I fear my behavior use from last week has caught up with me and my weight will be up. i look bloated, heavier, idk. I'm so uncomfortable

[carrotzcake]

i guess it's okay, i've decided, to eat.

i've woken up late enough my weight is 'down' enough i'm hungry enough ignore the goldfish littering my bed the shower, cigarette and hour of preparation i take to procrastinate the running tape of background thoughts, judgements, critcisms it's a beautiful day for me to waste. i wish i had friends. or a hobby. i guess i can sit outside and pretend to read while being hypervigalent of my surroundings.

[carrotzcake]

cw: talk of treatment. this is not meant to glorify EDs or treatment by any means

I miss it sometimes, lately. the monontonous routine of treatment the safety and protection from myself, the attention and care that i crave. the sterile hospital environment, staff I actually like, and some control around food selection makes it tolerable, i trust them. the ability, the excuse to surrender, to allow myself to eat, to heal. i cannot recover outpatient. i see no future of weight restoration and/or lack of symptom use. no matter how much i make progress. sometimes i just want to be tubed 1.) to overcome the fear and 2.) to reach maintenance once and for all, to learn to love this adult body and what the appropriate amount to eat is

[carrotzcake]

The way I’m destroying my throat lately

[carrotzcake]

this lasted all of 5 minutes...🤦

okay I'm relocating to my bedroom in the hopes that being out of sight of the kitchen and under a weighted blanket will make it much more difficult to act on urges

reallyy determined not to use symptoms tonight. I successfully went for two brief walks without going to the liquor store so that's a success, I suppose. and having dinner now...this next few hours is the bewitching hours. fingers crossed

[carrotzcake]

reallyy determined not to use symptoms tonight. I successfully went for two brief walks without going to the liquor store so that's a success, I suppose. and having dinner now...this next few hours is the bewitching hours. fingers crossed

[carrotzcake]

Last week we were informed that my boss is being promoted. Last week I also asked (again) about going full time. Yesterday she & her boss said they’d be transitioning and restructuring and likely hiring over the next couple of weeks. Do I email them to again express interest in going full time and would appreciate the opportunity to apply for the position or accept some additional responsibilities in a hybrid role?

[carrotzcake]

We did something a little different in therapy. I’ve always normally just done talk therapy, gone in, discussed my week or whatever’s on my mind, left. Part of the problem, likely, is my inability to access or process deeper issues. But given I have some specific significant traumas to now overcomes EMDR and more targeted therapy is something my therapist and I have been discussing. We talked briefly about what my symptoms are, how long and frequently they last, what triggers them. I felt simultaneously like I was giving the wrong answers, an imposter, but also revealing too much. He took notes. He never takes notes. He had my close my eyes and visualize a safe space, we reviewed skills I can access if, during this process, I become overwhelmed or activated. He praised my progress over this last year. I was shocked. I’ve been showing up rather depressed these last few weeks and he didn’t seem concerned to ask about that. I appreciate it; I need someone to push me to do the work I’ve been avoiding. And I’m scared