#Im about to die I havent slept in days

[mothinabottle]

Church boy has no bitches 😔

[animentality]

sorry if this is rambly, it’s 6:30am and i have to be at work at 8 and i havent slept yet cause im roatating enver gortash in my head like a rotisserie chicken-

i was thinking about what initially drew gortash to durge, because its a damn risky endeavor to try and endear yourself to a bhaalist. its pretty much 100% guaranteed to end in death, either you die in the attempt or you succeed and become important to them and bhaals children always end up destroying whats important to them. so then maybe thats the draw?

he never has to guess what durge’s intentions are. working with shady criminals and politicians alike gortash always has to wonder if they mean what they say, if they are planning to stick a dagger in his back. with durge he doesnt have to wonder, he knows. they couldnt hide who they are if they tried, and they have no desire to try. and when the day comes they have a dagger for him theyd rather stick it in his front, not his back.

later he would come to appreciate their cunning mind, their keen intellect, and their boundless loyalty, but first? first he liked that he knew exactly what to expect from them. he walked into that toxic mess with eyes wide open.

I MEAN.

not only are you correct, you are also based.

this is true. the dark urge makes no attempt to hide who they are when he reaches out to them. i am the child of bhaal, they say. i am murder incarnate. i kill as easily as i breathe.

but if you're ok with that.

we can get coffee.

and gortash canonically hates sleazy politics and in fighting and backstabbing, which is why he tries to be a dictator, because he thinks he can get rid of all that.

so durge WOULD be a breath of fresh air for him.

there's no way he didn't know durge would probably attempt to kill him in bhaal's name further down the road.

like come on. the child of murder, who wants to destroy the entire world and offer it on a platter to his father?

come on now.

gortash is smarter than that. he's a banite, he knows. power grubby bitch means murder bitch, and they make out with the understanding that one day, they might come at odds.

but scintillating, isn't it, anon? the idea of it?

eeeurgh. brainworms...brainrot... you are so intelligent i could have a stimulating cup of coffee with you...

[halogalopaghost]

venting abt medical stuff, tired so it prolly wont make sense anyway

I sat up to type somethingon my laptop and literally watched the veins in my hands become distended from blood pooling. it makes me mad because a quack "eastern medicine" doctor last year dx'd me with ""chi stagnation"" which is not a fucking thing, first of all, but he literally said my blood was stagnating and a bunch of other shit about my chi and all, and I wrote him off SEVERELY because. Blood stagnation is called LIVIDITY and it happens WHEN YOU DIE. I knew what POTS was at the time, but I hadn't even considered applying it to myself yet. Now a year later I'm waiting to be tested for POTS and self-treating POTS symptoms and like. well fuck. shit. damnb I guess mabye he was onto something.

and like...im just tired, man. everything's getting worse instead of better and I know it's probably becaue I had COVID a second time + autistic burnout is a thing I'm probably experiencing i guess. but I can't control flare ups, I can't control when I sleep or wake, I can't control when I feel nauseous or hungry or when I hurt or feel fine. I can't plan ahead for anything because it's a total crap shoot on whether I'll be capable or not. Not if I feel up to it, but if I'm CAPABLE. my feet have been hurting all day as if I worked a few 12 hour retail shifts in a row, and all I did was take a fifteen minute walk. my hands have turned red from the blood pooling in them now. I haven't slept for more than three or four hours in a row in almost a week. I can't sleep, but I'm exhausted. exercise doesn't help, it just makes my body hurt.

im tired. I haven't written in days because I havent really been capable of thinking in days. my brain fog has been so bad that I can't spell really basic words and it takes forever for me to formulate sentences. even when I do, they tend to be rambling and not make a whole lot of sense. I can't comprehend things im reading. I can't sleep. I tried meds and it didn't help enough. sigh.

[dipyronegirl]

my cat is about to die (again! second dead cat in a year) and it sucks so much that i can’t do anything about it + i am alone in this (again; my other cat died when i was holding her in my arms alone in this apartment in january. literally where the fuck is my mom - the actual fucking owner of these cats - when shit goes down). like i’ll be the one to dispose of the body alone after watching him take his last breath alone in this really heavy silence thats just pondering the apartment all day. i particularly dread the moment right after they die when their body feels like a rag and i gotta lay them out in a nice position so that they dont get rigid in the usually somewhat scary looking position in which they died, and i make it so it looks like they’re just asleep, cause hell i dont know ???? it seems like the right thing to do. i guess. and he’s not dead yet, but he’s sooo weak that’s just clearly going to happen soon, maybe in the next 90 seconds or maybe by the end of the day. and there’s nothing i can do ab it cause i’ve already done it, he’s already being/been treated, so really i’m just completely useless now, so checking in on him every minute accomplishes nothing except for driving me slowly insane (seriously i havent slept in like 48 hours), but i still feel like i have to do that anyway cause if i don’t,, what kind of person lets their pet (not really mine though! my mother’s) die alone in the next room. you get what im saying ????? also i dont know where my shoeboxes are, i know i’ll rush to find a large shoebox where i can put him when he dies cause, again, i dont know, it’s just smth i’ve always done when a pet dies, but i dont know where they are but looking for them now feels wrong somehow like as if i’d be killing him myself if i did it

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Thanks Captain America (part 4)

Previous Chapter / Chapter 5 - Next Chapter

WARNINGS: 18+ Just incase. Have tissues on hand.. There's kidnapping, being held captaive heartbreak angst, depression probably some type of psychological thing besides depression going on because she is has been alone for months, she's very upset so it could be triggering for anyone a tiny bit of fluff if you squint but another of angst and heart break maybe disillusioned, not exactly self harm but she thinks something is going to happen at the end.

COMMENTS &REBLOGS Aprrrciated do NOT publish, repost or Translate

Part 4

Why did it take you so long to find me. Did you even want me found?

Course I did how can you say that?

Steve, we lived together. I mean, you practically moved in but you- she had rings on I'm not blind. Me out of the way.... solve a lot of problems.

No it doesn't. Causes a lot of issues.

Hayden Wouldn't let things drop he was worried.

I never stopped loving you I havent slept until I found you. I missed you so much baby. Shes nothing nothing compared to you. Shes no one.

I dont know why I keep imagining the same conversation over and over in my head. The same one I imagined Steve and I would have anyway. It's obvious I mean nothing to him. That I am nothing to him. But still.... Sometimes I imagine he's holding me at night keeping me safe.

It still doesn't stop the nightmares. Nothing stops the nightmares. I don't think anything will ever stop these nightmares as long as I live. Is this how Steve and Bucky feel? But with Steve. I wake him up. I let him do what he needs. If I need to hold him if he needs to hold me if he needs silence or talking or of he just wants to kiss me, to prove I'm real and he's there not a nightmare that he's safe. I let him. He's been through so much and I- oh whats the point. I LIVE through the nightmares then it's night until its over and then the REAL nightmares are here. All I have is two pillows.... So when I wake up, because I always do. I pretend Hayden's there he's smoothing my hair. I pretend I hear his voice lie we were back in one of our rooms and he's just holding me,

"Shhh you're ok babe I'm here I got you. You want to talk about it?"

"No I just want you to hold me."

He'd kiss my head and read me something. As he hold me close and plays with my hair. He sooth me to sleep so I tr and imagine that- My imagination is all I have left... I think that is all of me that remains.

I'm losing track of the days.. they seem to bleed together because I'm just I left alone every day. Every night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going dead because

I know im just lost at this point. I pretend like Hayden's here and he's talking to me telling me about his classes. Sometimes I run through conversations that me and Steve had had or will have, arguments I wish we hand. Sometimes I wish I dump water on his head at the fair. I decided what I'd say "You told me you loved me last night but she is wearing rings Steve. Yiu told me you loved me this morning. You knew I was comming here. Why? Why hurt me?" then they'd know I was the victim. Theyd knoow the man he truely was letting me stay here to die because he got whar? Bored i don't know. Never know..

Maybe life would've be been better if I never went the fair at all.. if I stayed hime.. woubacI be back home sound I be safe? would Steve still save me if I never found out? Would I be with Steve or would I have found out either way? Would I have ever met Hayden? God. I love him- he did know me and he still just made sure I was ok I learned its who he is.but he is much the just happy with him. I know he loves me without words.wor maybe I should say Loved.

There was a partition for the toilet and a curtain for thr shower. I had no choice but to eat the food. if it wasnt nightmares or should I say between the break of nightmares I'd have some weird dreams but thats it. It doesn't seem like the food that's slid under door is drugged. Not that I have a choice. I have to eat-I guess not like I can order uber eats.

Not sure how long I'd have been there maybe 2 weeks the most. I tried to eat as little as possible but obviously made me a little weak but I had been tired lately but also bored out of my mind.

---------------------------------------------------

Then suddenly there was noise just noise i couldn't make it out then then fI could. bullets and I started coughing for some reason. I was confused and then I heard a bang I was trying to figure out how to hide but I couldn't it was useless I couldn't think.

I didnt know who grabbed me I didn't even recognize the voices all I heard was "safe"

Maybe this is it. Safe-salvation? I can only hope it'll take the pain away and that it will be quick.

Next Chapter

Previous Chapter /chapter 5

Taglist

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @hawkeyes-queen @patzammit @sparklybarbarianninja

[gmos]

i am so like. metaphysically exhausted i feel like im going thru so much rn i just need to vent with timestamps

like i have zero money so my card declined on my medical bill today and i have to make a bunch of phone calls to places that are only open on weekdays. and i have to prepare for a market but my heart is just not in it. plus ive been waiting to hear back about some other freelance stuff but it hasnt happened yet. so i just keep working on little bits and praying that it will work out. esp bc i have a tattoo appointment i made for my birthday to keep from totally spiraling but i obviously dont have the money for it right now.

and i have to go talk to bf's parents on monday and convince them that im telling the truth about anything w regards to moving. when they dont respect me and think im just some fairy trying to steal their daughter. and the thing is i am but its obviously for the best. and my parents are excited that im moving back but they cant really help me until july and mostly once we're already over there. and bc of how little money we have were gonna have to get rid of most of our stuff and either fly or drive a car across the country.

and all of this while i am getting sicker and sicker and ive just been getting sicker for years and usually it gets better in the summer but this year it isnt so im really worried about that. all i want is to sit outside in a pretty dress with a fun beverage and draw and write but the reality of my situation keeps creeping in. and its crazy bc the thing is pretty much everything aside from the medical bill is already sorted out and being dealt with and i just have to wait it out. i just cant get over how stressed out i feel and thats whats holding me back from fixing things, leading to them getting worse. they increased my ocd medication but the pharmacy hasnt called me yet even after two days when usually they have it same day.

what is going on. im exhausted. i havent slept properly in like two years. i survive off chocolate chips and microwavables and vitamin supplements. i spend most days alone in my apartment sitting by the window on the computer. this is not living. this is not living. i am supposed to be outside talking to strangers. i am supposed to be making the mistakes of a young adult. i turn 20 in 10 days. i have not been able to stay sober longer than 3 days in a row. i have near-constant short term memory loss. my vision is fading. i cant stand. once a week i go to the park and run until my ribs hurt, which is only about 3 minutes. i wear dresses over my hairy legs and combat boots. i get boba tea and coffee and ice cream when i have 10 dollars in my bank account. why isn't it worth it to live a beautiful life? why is responsibility the beginning and end of my life? when do i get to fuck up without being incessantly punished for the rest of my life?

when i was 17 i came to the startling realization that when something bad happens to me, that is the punishment. before that, and even still, i believed that i had to endure the bad thing and then be punished for the fact that the bad thing even happened. then one day i spilled olive oil all over the kitchen counter and my father helped me clean it up and asked if i was ok. to this day it sticks out as a dream, as if something so kind could ever happen to me. and yet i feel like if i had not been treated with so much hostility, i never would have been radicalized the way i am today. i cant prove either way, but i know that the hostility i am constantly faced with is unwarranted. yet it continues, so what am i doing wrong? the answer is obviously everything.

writing this has calmed me down. i am one of the few who benefits from journaling, even performative journaling, which is what this website is based on. one day when i die just a little bit before my time, my now-bf future-husband will compile my unpublished writing and art and notebooks and tumblr posts into a chronicle of my life, and then i will finally be beautiful.

[chronicallyillphoenix]

My psych says that i am emotionally dissociated and this is the reason that in the past 6+ months i have actually felt a single emotion. The rest of the time i feel nothing. Absolute apathy. I get physical sensations of emotions (like tight chest when i would usually feel anxious, widespread tension/pain when i would feel angry, sinking chest and nausea when i would usually feel sad) but i dont actually *feel* the emotions. I have been explaining it like how it feels when getting a cavity fixed, the dentist numbs up the tooth so you dont feel the actual pain, but you still experience the physical sensations like the vibrations, smell, and scraping. She says its because i am still living with my ex and even tho we are friends, i still havent been given the chance to step back and actually let myself process all of my feelings.

Thats probably one of the reasons i am just now realizing im probably really depressed. Which would make A LOT of sense given a lot of the things that have happened in the past 6 months. Like. I broke up with my fiance the same day i got the money for a deposit for a wedding venue, i have lost not one, but three of my cats. And i never got to tell any of them bye because they live with my parents and even tho i didnt want them living outside, i didnt get a voice in the matter since i no longer lived there and the house went from my 2 parents, to 4 adults and a baby and they just didnt have room. Two of them were just really old and we think they did the animal thing and just went off somewhere to die alone and it *hurts* because the first one to go was my favorite because of how sweet he was and who i always slept with in my arms when i would visit (i have struggled so hard to spend the night there with him gone). But once he was gone the other two were gone within the next two months and none of them were expected (like we knew bandit and bunnie were old but we expected to them to pass away inside the cat pen where they stayed every night like every barn cat before them had and that way we could bury them up on the hill, but it didnt turn out that way). I have also developed more concerning health symptoms and have gotten no answers to them. And now my mom has broken her shoulder and isnt going to be able to work for the next 3 months and even tho shes getting workers comp, her pay is significantly less and shes my sole source of income right now. And so i am always already feeling guilty about spending any money but now i feel worse about it and am having panic attacks because i got fast food once this week because i was flaring too bad to make anything myself even tho my mom gives me money *specifically* so i can get food and stuff when i am in a flare.

But yeah i have realized i am almost certainly depressed and the funny thing is that the way i realized this was a tumblr poll. It was asking what peoples hobbies were and i couldnt answer it because in the past year i havent really had anything hobby wise. Ive mostly stopped reading, i am not doing pour paintings, not doing my paracord stuff, and anytime i decide im going to finally start knitting i just end up picking up the yarn and staring at it for a bit before setting it back down and going back to sitting on the couch with the tv on in the background for background noise.

Im going to see my psych on wednesday and i hope to talk to her about this but i also dont know what there is to do about it. Probably raise my antidepressant but idk. Im not even sad so i dont see the point in raising my antidepressant because idk what being not depressed would change because were pretty sure the apathy is because of current circumstances and not just because of depression idk. I just want everything to be normal again

[t4tdanvis]

Zane gave Gene a muffin for free because he came in after all 3 of his shifts having not eaten since the day before. He snapped something about Gene not being allowed to die during his shift while forcing it into his hands and then watched him very worriedly from the register to make sure he actually ate it before he left.

All while chiding himself for caring this much about Gene, of course.

one time gene fell asleep at one of the tables and zane was just like Well that cant be good. he slept through zane's entire shift and finally zane went over to him and shook him awake like "hey you good??" gene was like "oh no im good i just havent slept in four days sorry lol". zane is just "... hey i think you need to GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL???"

[flovverworks]

uhh lemme talk nonsense about some pt2 (up to & including ch12) things anyway now that ive slept on it<3

thinking nonstop about that scene where oz pats owens head.......arthur in 2nd anni........arthur who just earlier was so happy oz scolded him...... so seeing him run off like that...... cain who had someone who relied on him, and then suddenly not having that. when earlier he once again had the whole 'arthur is the one looking out for me when it should be the other way around'. knowing oz protection weights heavier than his own.... cain whos trying so hard to improve..... @_@ the fact both of them reacted so strongly to that scene hit ssoooooo hard....... i think cains especially is fascinating. it all feels very. gestures vaugely. ppl change how they rely on cain. in a way. + how him w/ nicholas also goes into the 'person cain looks up to turns out to be bad' storytelling.

adding on how riquet just earlier had the whole "yeah shylock looks nice, but he wont spoil u".......wanting someones affection but not getting it.....wanting to be important but that changing........i think especially since all 3 of them are young too.......

cant stop thinking about how arthur has had (have) that feeling hes gonna die too....T_T and oz who was sooo upset while telling akira about the prophecy...T_T arthur whos reckless....arthur who doesnt know how long he has left....central wizard oz...............ughhh i RLY hope it turns into a "able to change fate" plot cuz i rly do prefer those. the fact figaro didnt speak up about mitiles prophecy, but also now i have to live w the knowledge that the southern wizards might get the same feeling one day uuuuaaaggghhhhhhhhhhhh i havent read ch13 but speaking of figaro im a lot more fine w him dying of old age rather than.........whatever else LOL rly think his feelings towards snow n white n oz r fascinating too. def think about his & fausts convo a lot, wish hed tell lennox too. even if the way mithra phrased it still is....@_@ (but also the fact mithra could tell (!obviously!), and that akira talked about it w/ oz and akira who know is like :) oh so its cuz hes limiting his magic huh:) ((PLUS! oz controlling his power in the west.....syl who was like did oz or mithra enter the city huh....owen who used figaro as an example when explaining magic things to cain.....

i still rly like too that shino picked up so fast that figaros rly strong. even if that memory convo RLY. HAS ME. shino.......'that shino doesnt exist'...T_T shinoooooooooo...... shino whos keeping secrets....cain who cant tell the truth about owen either..........the fact both of them have a lord they serve..........those 2........i hope they get to talk about fun things this pt2

considering gil seems to like books i think he & akira should talk about that. i think itd be neat

[acidmatze]

Ugh i hate current society When i was unemployed i felt terrible about playing games at 1pm cuz i felt like i havent "earned it" and thought that once i started working that wont happen anymore But now i work full time and got today and tomorrow off and i STILL feel bad about playing games at 1pm even though i "earned it". Brain wtf do you want me to do? Never take a day off??? I constantly feel like i need to Do Something Productive and as soon as i sit down for a minute i feel Terrible about it and i hear my mom in my brain telling me im wasting my time and should do something that matters, like cleaning or some shit. Im done cleaning! Theres no more to clean! I only have so much energy for the day! Others at work have no issues taking a few days off and come back after and be like "Lol i did absolutely nothing and just played video games all day and night and then slept for an entire day." While Im sitting here shitting myself like "Unless i go on an epic adventure to save the world or deep clean the entire apartment or fix the environment or at least travel to some random country and build a school by hand i OBVIOUSLY wasted my entire time and should just never take a vacation ever and instead work until i die. Even though i expect myself to work even though i am on vacation. When am i supposed to rest? Never, apparently. No rest, only pain and misery. Ugh i just wanna play games in peace....

[widevibratobitch]

me: yes, I love music, music is the point of my existence, music makes me happy, music is the only thing keeping me sane in this horrible cruel world

*cut to me, lying on the floor, crying and dry heaving from stress before my online piano lesson, getting a fucking panic attack because I just can't get that one particular bar in Chopin's nocturne right and I keep hitting the wrong keys in that etude and I'll never play it in the proper tempo and*

[secondary-objective-active]

vent

[stupidboybenji]

gonna rant in the tags feel free to join

[antimatteruniverse]

🎵🎶been awake for over twenty four houwwwaaas! ignoring everything and all my prioritieeeeesss 🎶🎵

[wnjhs]

:3c

[tactiletelekonesis]

ok ok ok i have NOT slept so y’all are getting my fe3h au

this au builds on the fanon that claude had a lot assassination attempts as a kid and that people ostracized him for only being half almyran and has fem byleth

when hes like 7? 8? i forget the age cos i havent slept he decides hes sick of the fact that no one will play with him because their parents wont let them, so when he learns about mercenaries, people you can PAY to DO STUFF FOR YOU hes like wow i can use that

jeralts mercenaries frequently visit almyra for work and at this point in time theyre in the capitol

little khalid seeks out mercenaries because hes persistent as fuck and finds them and tells jeralt he’ll pay to have someone play tag with him

jeralt laughs his ass off and is like you don’t need to pay i have a daughter

byleth is like 12 at this point

khalid pays her anyway and because shes 12 shes like yeah ok ill take this

the mercenaries tease her and her dad for years after this because “oh goddess we missed by’s first mission!!” and “jeralt you charged a child” and eventually they start teasing claude over the years too

after a few days jeralt is like “where are your parents” and refuses to let khalid see byleth unless he meets at least one of his parents to make sure theyre being safe with letting their son out and about near mercenaries

tiana finds this whole situation fucking hilarious of course and meets with jeralt and is surprised cos she knew him when she was a student at garreg mach and he was working there

the mercenaries are there for a month and a half before they leave

they come back about two years later and visit and khalid and byleth reunite

they visit frequently and at one point its decided that byleth will spend a year in almyra to better learn the culture (this is when jeralt gets leonie as an apprentice and byleth isnt with him)

when claude decides to go to leicester, he tells byleth and jeralt and the mercenaries ahead of time and drills it into their heads that hes NOT khalid in fodlan, hes claude

they dont see him again until the events of the game start

imo this makes it even funnier when edelgard and dimitri start trying to recruit byleth right off the bat and claudes like “i was gonna strike up a lasting friendship before asking for favors” cos this time its claude being a smug asshole cos he already has that friendship and he knows it

byleth chooses to lead the black eagle house cos she wants to fuck with claude by not picking him

claude eventually is like “heyyyy wanna help me snoop and learn if i can trust the black eagles????” and byleth goes along with it cos she knows his plans for fodlan and wants to help

when she gets closer to edelgard she realizes that maybe she can get edelgard and claude to work together on their goals???? so she starts dropping hints that they could be allies

idk where else im going with this but id have a full recruitment with byleth/caspar and claude/ashe and im undecided on background ships

other stuff: 1. sothis makes byleth give claude messages and gets mad when its not a word for word repeat of what she said, 2. when claude was little he called himself Khalid the Undying cos of all the assassination attempts he survived and the mercenary troupe 100% makes fun of him for it, 3. byleth tries really really hard to make claude and hubert get along and it Does Not work, 4. aromantic bisexual sylvain is the hill i will die on