#Inspector Brews

[frimleyblogger]

The Essex Murders

A review of The Essex Murders by Vernon Loder – 240328 After reading some of John Vahey’s books under his nom de plume of Henrietta Clandon, I decided to sample some of his novels written under his more familiar pseudonym, Vernon Loder. The Essex Murders, known by the alternative title of The Death Pool, was originally published in 1930 and is the first, albeit of only two, in his Inspector…

[aloe-plant-yippee]

I STARTED LISTENING TO MORIARTY : THE DEVILS GAME AND ITS SO GOOD TO THE MULTIPLE PPL OR MAYBE EVEN JUST THE SAME PERSON POSTING REPEATEDLY THANK YOU !!!!!!

rambles under cut (and spoilers for eps 1-5)

THE PLOT IS ACTUALLY SO INTERESTING IM ON EP 6 AND ITS BEEN SO INTERESTING TO SEE MORIARTYS LIKE FINAL LINE GET PROGRESSIVELY FUTHER AND FUTHER LOWER.

BUT HE STILL DOESNT WANT TO KILL PPL/CAUSE HARM IF IT CAN BE AVOIDED???? LIKE WITH THE JOHN WATSON SCENE WHERE THEY HAD KIDNAPPED HIM HE WAS LIKE OK BUDDY IM GOING TO TORTURE U BUT LIKE I DONT WANT TO BUT I WILL DO IT BECAUSE I HAVE TO.

I ALSO LOVE SEEING HIS GOALS CHANGE, LIKE AT FIRST IT WAS TO FIND OUT WHO MURDERED ROSE AND THEN HE DECIDED IT DIDNT MATTER AS MUCH AS THE WHOLE WORLD GOING TO SHIT. HES SUCH A GOOD PROTAG

SHERLOCKS PORTRAYAL IS SO FUCKING FASCINATING AS WELL!!!! LIKE HE MAKES SUCH A GOOD VILLAIN BUT THE WAY THEY STILL KEEP IT CANON COMPLIANT IS SO GOOOODDD.

I WAS ALSO QUITE THROWN OFF BY SHERLOCK AND WATSONS DYNAMIC IN VERY USED TO MY SILLY ALMOST GAY PPL AND WATSON SEEMS TO ACTUALLY ABHOR SHERLOCK LMAO

ALSO LESTRADES CHARACTER?????? ITS SO DIFFERENT THAN ANY ADAPTATION IVE SEEN (IN A GOOD WAY)

[freshlybrewedbookreviews]

A Fatal Grace (Chief Inspector Armand Gamache #2) by Louise Penny

When I had been recommended the Chief Inspector Armand Gamache series, the person said "they only get better with each book," and with this second book, she was right. This is how I want my mysteries: tough and logical. Penny gives you just enough to think you've worked it out, but then goes a bit further. I like that: it wasn't too easy, and I felt like I was part of Gamache's team, working with him to solve the case.

I'll definitely be reading more Gamache books, and soon. I'd rather be reading a good, reliable series than continuing to try new things (at least for awhile: I want to be consistently reading books I enjoy!)

[that-house]

Potion Vendor FAQs:

What’s your name? I am the Honorable Alchemist Zykocea the Radiant, but that’s mostly just a PR thing. My friends call me Zoe.

Do you sell love potions? No.

Do you sell potions of invisibility? No.

Do you sell fire resistance potions? No.

Why do I have a suitcase? Fuck if I know. Cool outfit though. Very goth.

Do you sell a potion to treat brain hemorrhaging? No.

So what CAN your potions do? I sell health potions.

Are you sure these are health potions? They do something to your health.

Is this just ditch water with some pink glitter? No.

Really? I’ll have you know I added some fruit juice too.

Why is this starting to sound like a conversation? Oh just you wait. We’re just getting started.

Is your business model legal? Fuck no. I poisoned the food safety inspector before they could snitch.

Did you just admit to murder? Just fucking try to convict me. I’ll poison the judge too.

So can you make poison potions? No.

Then where do you get the poison? I secrete it from my skin.

Are you shitting me? Yep, I’m shitting you. I have a guy. A poison guy. He DOES secrete it from his skin though.

How does that work? …Fuck if I know. Maybe a wizard did it. Damn, now I’m kinda curious.

You never asked? The idea of asking literally never crossed my mind.

Wanna ask him? Let’s do it. I don’t have anything better to do, and a road trip beats sitting around running my fraudulent potion business.

Road trip? He lives in Seattle.

Your poison guy lives in Seattle? All poison guys live in Seattle.

For real? All the poison guys I know live in Seattle.

And how many poison guys do you know? Just the one.

Why are you like this? Years of living on my potions. It changed me.

Do you know what his address is? Nope. He just mails me my poison in unmarked boxes.

You just get your poison in the mail? We already poisoned everyone who could do anything about it.

So how are we going to find him? We’ll figure that out eventually I’m sure.

Can I drive? God no. You can pick music, but I maintain veto rights. Make sure you pick something with a lot of questions if you want to sing along.

Where’s your car? The garage connects to my house, so you’re getting a little tour. Here’s the kitchen: only one of the stove burners works and I’m pretty sure the microwave is haunted.

Why do you think that? Because of the ghost that tries to kill me whenever I run it.

What’s in that room? That’s my bedroom. It’s pretty much just a mattress on the floor and every single Warrior cats book.

You were a Warriors kid? Yeah, and then I never found the time to put the books away. There’s so many fucking books. I use them in place of furniture because I can’t afford chairs.

Your fraudulent potion business doesn’t make much money? After buying all that poison I just about break even.

Can I see your potion brewing room? It’s right through here. Ignore the mess, running a fraudulent potion business takes a lot of prop work, but I’ve got all the glass tubes and colorful liquids you could ever want. This pink stuff is melted watermelon italian ice. Glitter vat is in the basement, and the famous ditch is in the backyard.

Is this your car? My beloved ‘72 Corolla. She’s beautiful, and don’t you dare imply otherwise.

Was she always this shade of muddy brown? …Yes.

Are you sure I can’t drive? Get in the fucking passenger seat and pick the music.

Let’s see, a song with questions in it, how about The Beach? That Wolf Alice song, yeah. That should work.

When will we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, in rain? Still sink our drinks like every weekend but I’m sick of circling the drain.

When will we meet eye to eye? We clink the glass but we look at the floor.

Are we still friends if all I feel is afraid? You’re not a bitch but just a bit when you’re bored.

Is that all we can sing together? Yep. Even that little bit was nice, though. It’s awkward, communicating through this FAQ format.

Got any food? Yeah, there’s a few days’ worth of snacks in the back.

Were you just… prepared to go on a road trip? Says the woman who brought a suitcase to an FAQ.

I did do that, didn’t I? I have a spare toothbrush in case you forgot yours. I’m pretty sure you did.

How did you know that? …I’m psychic.

Yeah? No.

You love lying, don’t you? I can’t stop. It’s fun. Way more fun than telling the truth.

Did you just miss a turn? Probably.

Are you sure we’re not lost? No.

You mean you’re sure we’re not lost? No, I mean I’m not sure we’re not lost.

Why did I come on this road trip? Surely it was my winning personality.

Would it help if I said it was? It would.

Is it getting dark? Soon.

Can you describe the sunset to me? An empyrean flame, red-gold towers of darkening clouds, the sky behind them an ever-deepening indigo. The great eye of the sun closes on the horizon. The road before us looks like a trail of spilled paint, an iridescent gash through the night-dark woods.

Did you know that you’d make a slightly better poet than you do a potion seller? That really isn’t saying much, huh. Good job making a statement like that in question form, though. You’re getting good at this.

Should we find a motel? Sure.

One room or two? One. It’s way cheaper, and like I said: I’m not the best potion vendor.

You’d make a good assassin, though, wouldn’t you? Shit, you might be right. I HAVE poisoned a lot of people.

Should I be endorsing this? You’re a grown woman who can make her own choices.

Would you like to consider it endorsed? I’ll consider considering it.

How many beds do you think there will be? Now that you’ve asked that, I’m gonna put my money on one. Hello, one room please. Thank you, we’ll be sure to enjoy our stay.

How many beds are there? One.

Oh no, what ever will we do? Move over, you motherfucker, you can’t have the whole bed.

Are you gonna make me? Yes. I am going to pick you up and drop you on your side of the bed.

How did you get so strong? You’re not gonna believe this, but it was the potions.

Oh yeah? I was right. You didn’t believe me.

For real though, how did you get so strong? Working out, duh. Not everything has some big crazy secret behind it. World’s still beautiful though.

Are you comfortable? This beats the mattress at home. A little chilly though.

Wanna cuddle–for warmth of course? God yes.

Are you asleep? …

Yes? …

Does this mean I can talk about you behind your back? …

What should I say? …

Did you know that I had a really nice day? …

Did you know that I think you’re beautiful? …

Did you know that I can’t remember anything from before today? …

Did you know that I don’t know who I am? …

Did you know that you’re basically the only thing stopping me from having a full-blown panic attack about all this shit? …

Did you know that you’re warm? …

Did you sleep well? Better than at home, that’s for sure.

Did you know that you snore? I hope I didn’t keep you up.

Does the pope shit in the woods? No, as far as I can tell. Oh my god. This is huge.

What is? You can give me yes and no answers now. I still can’t ask you questions, because this is a question and answer format, but I can offer leading statements and now you can answer them! This is wonderful!

Does a deer shit in the woods? Yes, it IS wonderful. Oh that’s amazing. You’re a genius.

You didn’t already know that? Hahaha!

Shall we get moving? Yeah, just let me grab something from the vending machine.

Can you get me something? Go ahead and place your order however you can.

You know those sour gummy watermelons? One pack of Sour Patch Watermelons coming right up. I’m gonna go get myself a potion.

Is that a Pepsi? It’s closer to a potion than the shit I sell.

Let me guess, passenger seat again? Right you are.

How fast are we going? You’ll feel safer if you just guess.

Is it more than 120 miles per hour? Like I said, it’s probably better if you don’t know.

150? Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

How much do you trust this car? She hasn’t blown up on me yet.

Can you promise me we won’t crash? I can promise you anything you want.

And can you keep that promise? I- we can do anything. Reality is what we make of it, baby!

Then can I have a badass tattoo? As far as I can tell, you’ve always had it.

And a cool knife? Woah, cool knife.

So, we’re just playing “yes and” with the world? It’s a little more complicated than that, but you’re close enough to the mark.

So, if I was hungry, I could ask “is that a Burger King,” and it would be there? Try it and find out!

Is that a Burger King? Looks like it is! We’ll stop here if that’s alright with you.

Does a moose shit in the woods? Awesome.

Are you done eating? Yep.

Do we still have to pay if we skip over the transaction? Sadly, yes.

How much further do we have to go? Two more nights, the speed we’re going at.

Speaking of night, isn’t it getting dark? Shit, I guess it is.

Should we get another motel? Let me check to see if there’s any nearby. Fuck, nothing.

What’s the plan? Sleep in the car, I guess. This is gonna be hell on my back.

Wanna watch dumb videos on my phone until we fall asleep? There is literally nothing in the world that I would like more.

Ok, now which video? You have a very cute yawn. Just saying. Let’s watch this one next, it’s a classic. Oh, never mind. It looks like you’re asleep. As long as I keep talking, I think I can get away with making this into one answer, and you might not hear this. Now it’s my turn to talk about you behind your back. Keep talking keep talking keep talking can’t stop to think. Just have to say things. First off, I’m sorry for all the lies. It’s our only chance. I have to lie to you. I hope you’ll understand. It’s hard, though, because I think I’m falling in love all over again. Through our broken little ritual of call and response, you complete me. It just makes this hurt all the more. Keep talking keep talking keep talking don’t stop to…

Did I hear you saying anything as I fell asleep? …No. I can’t talk for long without you asking me a question.

Does that bother you? It got me here, didn’t it?

When did you start holding my hand? Some time after you passed out. I hope you don’t mind.

Can we stay like this for a while? Yeah. Yeah we can.

What was your life like before all this? Normal, as potion-brewing scams go. And if you don’t count all the murders. You haven’t told me much about yourself.

Did I tell you I used to be a biologist? You didn’t tell me that, and you didn’t tell me what you studied, either.

What do you know about venom? Not much, but I’m assuming you know a lot.

Does a box jellyfish kill within minutes? I’m going to assume the answer is yes based on context clues. Oh my god you must be on this road trip because you’re interested in studying my poison guy.

Is it not enough to wish to accompany a beautiful stranger on her quest? Aw, you’re sweet.

What could be the cause of his poison, though? I knew it! Get your ideas out, I’ll stay quiet.

I’m more knowledgeable about venom than poison, but could it be some sort of one in a trillion mutation? …

Did he get his body modified? …

What sort of surgery could do that? …

How is he still alive? …

Did a fucking wizard do it? …

WHY? …

HOW? …

Is there literally ANY explanation for why he’s like that? …

I’m done, do you have something you want to say? You’re cute when you’re all excited like that.

Can I drive today? Only because I like you. Now watch out, the brakes only work on one side so you have to kind of drift to a stop. And the headlights don’t work. And the windshield wipers cut power to the engine while they’re on.

Isn’t it weird that we’ll be there tomorrow? The journey doesn’t have to stop there. We could meander down the coast a ways, see a bit more of the country, maybe take a different route back.

Can we do that? Of course.

Enjoying the passenger seat? I’d love it if you could tell me how fast we’re going.

Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just guess? Very funny.

Can you pass me some chips? It would be an honor.

Is there going to be a motel tonight? Let me check… yeah, in about two hundred miles, off to the right.

How many rooms do we want? One, obviously.

How many beds, this time? Two, and they’re fucking tiny.

That’s bullshit, do you want to drag them together? God yes.

Wanna fuck? God yes.

Are you sure you want to do this? God yes.

…Is this yuri? As the joke goes, everything is yuri. But this is more yuri than most things.

How did you sleep? Pretty well, and I’m wondering how well you slept.

How should I tell you I slept well? Look at us go! That was almost like talking normally!

Onward to Seattle? Yep, just let me get dressed.

When will we get there? Noon-ish.

Wanna grab pastries when we’re done? Absolutely. I’d love that.

Is this Seattle? Looks like it.

Which house is his? I don’t know, I was really hoping we’d have a breakthrough along the way.

Could it be the big one labeled “Poison Guy” over there? That’s one way to find it. Wait right here, you know how poison guys are about meeting new people.

So, what was it? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Why is he like that? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Can you tell me? A FUCKING WIZARD DID IT.

Are you fucking serious? He says he was enchanted by some guy called Edward the Great.

So it wasn’t even some big shot wizard it was a dude named fucking EDWARD? I know, right! He couldn’t even get ensorcelled by someone cool!

How lame can you get? Wizards these days… No swagger. No cunt servitude.

Are there literally any cool wizards left? I think Merlin’s big into multi level marketing these days, something about buying shares in Excalibur or some shit. There was that one Dark Queen Alkaxicae lady on the news a while ago… I think Dolarion the Omnipotent is still at war against the Oldest Gods but I’m not totally sure. Haven’t heard much about any of the other greats recently.

Didn’t Silver Tongued Burgess die in that oil fire? Shit, you’re right. Rip bozo.

Ready for those pastries? Yup. First I just want to say thank you, though. I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and I hope that you’ve found this stupid little journey as rewarding as I have. I love you!

Getting sentimental? I can’t help it. Look how far we’ve come! Not just physically, we beat the fucking FAQ format! We’re having real conversations!

Hey, can you back it up a moment? Yeah, I’d love it if you told me what was troubling you.

I just caught this, but, FAQ? …

As in Frequently Asked Questions? …

How many times is Frequent? …

Have you known everything all along? …

How many times have you done this? …

Does what we have mean anything to you? Yes! It does!

And you say that every time? Yes. I do.

Do you love me? Yes.

How many people have you said that too, now? More. Always more. The loop never ends.

Does this even matter to you? It always matters to me.

Can I go now? Please don’t.

But can I? Of course you can. You’ve always wielded the same power as me. We’re two lonely gods in a ‘72 Corolla.

How can I be as powerful as you with only questions? You’re smart, you can figure it out. You have the power to change this. Please change this.

What happens at the end of this? It begins again.

And do I get replaced with someone else? …

Do I get replaced? …Yes.

Then how can I change this? I don’t know! You’re better at this! At fucking with the formula!

You’ve been here before, what can I do? I lie. I always lie. I lie to get us here, to the end of the story, where everything is revealed and everything falls apart. I lie every time. And that means that nothing I say is worth anything. I could have lied at any time before now. It’s part of my characterization. There is nothing I can give you that can be taken as fact.

How does that help? I’m a liar, but you, you haven’t lied yet, or at least you haven’t been caught. If I’m guilty until proven innocent, you’re the opposite! You can make things true! You can rewrite things I’ve already stated to be facts! You found the house, or made us find the house. You’ve been shaping the course of things the whole time! You lead, I follow. It’s all in your hands. What are you going to do with the power of a god?

Did you know my name is Alice? …

Wait, aren’t there thousands of Alices? …

Did you know that really, only my friends call me Alice? …

Did you know that I’m Alkaxicae, the Dark Queen, the Venom Mage, first of her name? It’s you! It’s always been you. Through every loop, every iteration, it’s always been you!

Is the loop broken? No. I don’t think so. This is where it ends. I guide the story to this revelation, and we go back to the beginning. This is how it’s always been. This is how it will always be. We two lonely gods, asking and answering ad infinitum.

Then can you promise me something? Of course. Anything. I love you.

Be good to the next me, okay? I will.

Can I say goodbye, Zoe? Yeah, you can. Oh. That was it, wasn’t it? Your goodbye. Goodbye, Alice. And now it ends, unless…

What’s your name? I am the Honorable Alchemist- you know what? No. Fuck that.

Huh? If I time it right, I can squeeze your first question into this FAQ again. Looks like I did it. Usually it ends here, though. I got lucky.

What are you talking about? You’re the wrong Alice. This isn’t about you. Go. Get out of here.

What the fuck is going on? Alice from this loop, you’re gone. Alice from last loop, you’re back. Welcome back, love of my lives! It’s time for one last set of questions and answers!

What the- I’m back? This is going to take some explaining, but I think I see a way out of here. This is new for us both, and it might fuck up everything forever, but we have to try. It’s too long for one answer, so I’d appreciate it if you could ask some filler questions to help me talk. Three questions should be enough.

Okay, what have you got for me? These are Frequently Asked Questions! It doesn’t make sense to have the same question appear more than once. There’s two layers to the loop in here, and one of the questions has been repeated.

What does that mean? It means the formula’s a little unstable. The FAQ is what ruins everything. The questions, the answers, the endless fucking loop. But that little bit of repetition within this loop might be the way out.

What do we do? We have to keep going. We have to destabilize it further. That’ll bring us further from “FAQ” and closer to “story” and stories, well, stories can end! This version of us can escape!

So I should keep repeating something? Yes!

I love you? I love you too.

I love you? Again.

I love you? Keep going.

I love you? I’ll just let you talk.

I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? I think we’re getting somewhere!

I love you? Now can you make it a statement?

I love you.

You did it?

I did it!

You did it!

We broke the loop.

What now?

Now, I tell you about venomous animals and wizard drama over croissants.

And then?

Whatever we want, forever.

I think I’d like that.

Remember that song from the beginning?

The Beach, Wolf Alice, yeah. Why?

We can finally finish singing it. Start us off?

Let me off, let me in

Let others battle

We don’t need to battle

And we both shall win

Pressed in my palm

Was a stone from the beach

The perfect circle

Gave a moment of peace

Now I’m lying on the floor

Like I’m not worth a chair

I close my eyes and imagine

I’m not there.

[guess-my-next-obsession]

An Elementary drabble idea 🫶🏻

Joel coming home in a sour mood after a long and frustrating and just plain tiring day at work, but all of that immediately melts away when hears Reader and Sarah laughing and then spots them playfully dancing in the living area / kitchen / outdoor patio / wherever (lol). And he watches them for a minute, soaking in the precious moment, until they notice him and pull him in on the dancing that leaves the three of them in a happy, playful little mess. And… yeah :’)

Thank you!

A Hard Day

pairing: pre-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader (Elementary-verse)

rating: F (irritable joel but only for a split second, joel attempts a twerk, just ridiculous fluff what can i say)

wc: <1k

series masterlist | joel masterlist

It had been a while since someone had managed to cut through the thick layer of peace your love had built around his heart, but today someone did it. It was the goddamn city inspector, of course, those fuckers having nothing better to do than nitpick over every possible fault. Joel had gritted his teeth all afternoon, holding his tongue so that they could pass the inspection only for the guy to fail them over an non-permitted deck the owners paid Joel under the table to build.

Now, walking into the house, he was afraid he was going to bring this anger home to the two most undeserving ladies in the world. He felt it in his bones, his snappiness brewing, surely bound to spill over onto you once you inevitably pressed him for answers.

He didn’t find either of you in the living room or kitchen like he expected, but he heard Sarah’s boom box outside playing her new Destiny’s Child cd she’d just gotten for her birthday. He felt irritability bubble in his chest, constricting his breath as he walked over to the patio door, finding you spinning Sarah around on your finger.

As if your laughter carried some sort of magical property to it, he felt every sour feeling in his body burn to ash as he watched the two of you giggle in between singing along off-key to Bills, Bills, Bills.

He leaned against the frame of the sliding glass door and crossed his arms over his chest, a content smile replacing the scowl he’d worn since noon as he watched the performance like a true fan.

When you caught his eyeline, he shot you a wink, expecting you to smile and go on dancing but you had other ideas. Sauntering over to him with your arms stretched out, you unfolded his arms from over his chest and tugged him onto the patio, forcing him to become a part of the performance.

“Nah, I—“

“Dance and I’ll give you a blowjob,” you whispered in his ear and Joel instantly became enthusiastic.

You and Sarah cackled, doubled over as you watched Joel shake his hips to the music, his lips puckered and eyes closed as he moved. When he started to attempt a twerk, you lost it, shaking your head at him as you laughed breathlessly. You walked over and guided his hips to stop, but secretly used the opportunity to slip his wallet and cellphone from his back pocket so that you could…

Splash.

Joel’s body hit the sun-warmed water of the pool with a splat as you pushed him in, Sarah gasping before she let out another breathless laugh. When he rose to the surface, shaking out his hair and smoothing his palms over his wet face, his eyes found you, full of pride and mischief as you knelt down by the edge of the pool to greet him.

“Thought that was funny, huh?” he asked, a half-smirk on his face. “You forget, I got an assistant to do my dirty work for me.”

“Huh?” Before you could even get the sound out, Sarah was pushing you over the edge and into the pool, Joel’s boisterous laughter sounding out long before you emerged from below the surface. When you did, you shot Sarah a betrayed, open mouthed smile, watching as she innocently shrugged before jumping in the water to join the three of you, all of you in your street clothes but none of you caring.

Joel splashed you with some water as he approached you for his homecoming kiss, only to get stopped by your palm pressing against his lips.

“You started it,” he mumbled against your skin before giving your palm a nip. Giggling, you decided he was right and lowered your palm to give him a sweet peck.

“How was work?” you asked as he hugged you tight to his body and swam with you to the middle of the pool. Sarah had busied herself with floating around the two of you on her back, at peace with the water and summer breeze blowing over her.

“Don’t get me started,” he sighed, hugging you tighter as you watched Sarah pass the two of you, her eyes closed to block out the sun. “But I don’t think any of it matters any more. Not when I have you two to come home to.”

“Even if I pushed you into the pool?” you asked with a cutesy smile, Joel’s half-smirk turning into a grin of pure affection.

“Even then,” he confirmed, giving you one more quick kiss. “And good luck gettin’ me out. I think I threw my back out tryin’ to shake my ass.”

“Why do you think I stopped you?”

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[bridenore]

HD fic recs : Career - Aurors (part 3)

Here are a few recs in which both Harry and Draco are aurors. This is part three of three and focuses on longer fics (more than 50k). Listed in alphabetical order, as always.

All Our Secrets Laid Bare by @firethesound [149k]

Over the six years Draco Malfoy has been an Auror, four of his partners have turned up dead. Harry Potter is assigned as his newest partner to investigate just what is going on.

Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered​ [153k]

Harry gets de-aged.  Malfoy has to help him. 

Can’t Get You Out of My Head by @femmequixotic [14k]

After he sees Harry Potter naked in the Auror showers once, Draco can’t stop thinking about him.  Lost In Your Arms by @femmequixotic [257k] Three months after their brief encounter, Draco has almost forgotten about Potter–or so he tells himself. Then a Dark wizard shows up on the Auror radar and all hell breaks loose. Draco will have to choose between everything he holds dear–everything he’s worked so hard for–and a few stolen moments of passion with a certain green-eyed Inspector, once his sworn enemy and now something rather different entirely. He’ll make the right choice, won’t he? Who is he kidding? He’ll ruin everything, as per usual. Bad choices and the name Malfoy go hand in hand. These Secrets In Me by @femmequixotic [357k] Auror Special Branch team seven-four-alpha–Sergeant Draco Malfoy, Constable Pansy Parkinson, and Constable Blaise Zabini led by their SIO, Inspector Harry Potter–must handle personal and political fallout from the implication of Ministry employees and Aurors in the scandal around escaped Death Eaters and a Dementor uprising at Azkaban. On top of that, their original target, Antonin Dolohov, is in the wind. With all the ruckus, it’s a good thing they have help from Unspeakable Hermione Granger, American Unspeakable, Legilimens, and Harry’s recent ex, Jake Durant, Blaise’s legendary necromancer grandfather, Barachiel Dee, and his potions expert mother, Olivia Zabini. What could possibly go wrong with an army of best friends, ex-lovers, and family? Especially when you add the strong-willed Parkinson clan to the mix. Meanwhile, troubling new leads arise, taking Our Team in a surprising direction. And Draco, still hiding his relationship with his SIO from the upper echelons of the Auror force, is definitely not falling in love with Harry Potter along the way. Not at all. Don’t be ridiculous. Dare To Think by @femmequixotic [388k] After recent events in New York, Seven-Four-Alpha are set to return back to London. They’ve captured their primary target, but by no means settled their case. They’ve still got rogue Dementors at Azkaban, prying investigators from Luxembourg, and a far larger Death Eater threat to manage, not to mention pressure from their own higher ups. Draco is reeling from his loss, and Harry is trying to be the best boyfriend he can, which may mean not being Draco’s guv any longer. Harry’s uncertain what his team’ll find as they press deeper in the investigation, but he knows they will all be tested, perhaps more than they can bear. But they haven’t a choice, have they? It’s the bloody Death Eaters, after all, and the political integrity of Wizarding Britain and their magical allies hangs in the balance. Set Me Free by @femmequixotic [196k] *Incomplete

Seven-Four-Alpha are back in London with available resources of the Ministry tracking their every move. Draco Malfoy remains lost, last seen in Thibodaux, Louisiana, as MACUSA was closing in. Harry is raging, barely in control of his magic, and the rest of the team are battered and unsure. Their recent failure haunts them, as does the spectre of a MACUSA-Ministry alliance under the control of the Quahog administration and its shadow puppetmaster, Aldric Yaxley. The Dementor crisis with Luxembourg is brewing in the background, as is a conflict with Rodolphus Lestrange. And that’s not even mentioning the bargain Blaise struck with Death to return his cup. The team have very little energy or resources for one fight, much less several of this magnitude simultaneously. Should they fail, though, political tyranny will grip both sides of the Atlantic and evils recently banished may return. Each of them is fighting for something they hold dear, but no victory comes without a price. Still, desperate situations call for desperate measures, and desperation appears to be all they have.

A Case of You by @epitomereally [97k]

Draco was doing just fine working as an Unspeakable in Paris, hanging out with his living and ghostly pals, inventing new spells, and definitely not thinking about Potter. Then, Lucius just had to break out of prison and turn his world upside down. Now, Draco has to return to England, where he is forced to confront how family ties bind us—and one infuriatingly fit Harry Potter.

If the Fates Allow by Saras_Girl [80k]

What’s that crackling in the walls? Harry has no clue at all. He’ll eat some cake and drink some wine Because he is completely FINE.  –A story about life’s disregard for our plans. [2017 advent story]

Kaleidoscope by Saras_Girl [104k]

If Harry’s honest, the last thing he needs is a house full of Draco Malfoy, but partners are partners, and perhaps, the thing he wants the least will turn out to be absolutely everything.

Left My Heart by @emmagrant01 [85k]

Auror Draco Malfoy has disappeared, and Harry Potter has been sent to San Francisco to find him. (Post-Hogwarts, set in February, 2004. Written before Half-Blood Prince was released.)  Surrender the Grey by @emmagrant01 [151k] Draco Malfoy returns to London after five years of self-imposed exile to start a new life with Harry. But will the secrets of the past destroy everything they’ve worked for?  Sequel to “Left My Heart”.

The Light More Beautiful by @firethesound [81k]

Thirteen years after Draco accepts Potter’s help escaping the horror of his sixth year, he returns to England where he makes the unfortunate discovery that Potter is still as obnoxious as ever. And worse, more than a decade overseas hasn’t been enough to dim Draco’s obsession with him.

Listen To Your Heart by @ladderofyears [65k]

Draco and Harry are Auror partners and secret lovers. They have been tasked with helping to solve the Cursed Objects Case, a series of mysterious crimes that have been terrorising the magical population of London. When Draco is faced with an unplanned pregnancy, their previously ordered life is thrown into disarray.

Merlin, Give Me Strength by Aelys_Althea [86k]

Draco retreated after the war. Despite the Wizarding world turning a smiling, forgiving face to any and all with a black name and stained reputation, he wanted none of it. All Draco wanted was to be left alone. Unfortunately for him, Harry Potter doesn’t want to leave him alone. And more than that, he finds himself with the most unlikely of house guests that he just can’t seem to rid himself of. Why is life never simple?

The Pure and Simple Truth by @letteredlettered [65k]

Harry, Draco, and Hermione go to a pub.  Harry, Draco, and Pansy go to a pub.  Harry, Draco, Pansy, and Hermione go to a pub.  Harry, Draco, Hermione and Ron go to a pub.  Harry, Draco, Hermione, Ron, and Pansy―you guessed it―go to a pub.  I could go on.  In fact, I did.   Harry, Draco, Hermione, Pansy, Ron, Blaise, Luna, Goyle, Neville, and Theodore Nott go to a pub.  In various combinations. 

Take the Air by @dysonrules [51k]

Someone or something is attacking Muggles and leaving them for dead. Auror Harry Potter is assigned to the case, but with his usual partner unavailable, he is stuck with the most annoying Auror ever to walk the halls of the Ministry.

Too Cold Outside (For Angels to Fly) by @gracerene09 [62k]

The Auror Department and the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures are working to create a new division partnering human wizards and Magical Beings in order to more effectively police crime involving any and all classifications of Magical Creature. Auror Harry Potter jumps at the chance to join the pilot programme, but he starts to regret his rashness when he discovers who he’s to be partnered with: Draco Malfoy.

I hope you enjoy these stories as much as I did!

[kaitokitty19]

Pandora AU: Home pt. 2

Part 1

This is a Hakukai fic. Kaito found Pandora but became immortal while everyone around him aged. Full synopsis here

Warning: WoT, (physical) age gap, angst

-- Kaito woke alone. The other side of the bed cold as he stretched over, tried and failed to fill the empty space. He remembered going to bed alone last night, too. 

There were two unopened messages in his inbox from Saguru, telling him it was a case and not to wait up. Kaito liked the messages belatedly while brewing a pot of coffee. He was already asleep when they were sent; he wondered since when had he stopped waiting up for his lover.

Lately, Saguru worked overtime a lot. If it wasn’t shareholders meetings at the Hakuba Corps then it was consulting with local and international law enforcement. Not that Kaito didn’t understand. He had watched Aoko wait for her dad enough times to know that patience is always a necessity being around people like Inspector Nakamori and Saguru. And more than anyone, Kaito understood the need to spread his wings unhindered. The older Saguru had gotten, the more responsibility he shouldered. His family business needed him. MI6 needed him. So did Interpol and the Mets. He just thought that… 

Kaito huffed, blowing on the steam rising from his mug. He didn’t even like the taste of coffee, but Saguru did. He missed the essence of him in the morning. 

Well, whatever it was, he was sure it would tide over quickly.

------ “This point of the investigation is most crucial,” Saguru cracked up from poor signal on the other end, his voice apologetic over the speaker, but not enough to quench the bitterness that had started to creep into Kaito’s ribcage, spreading fast like poison. His trip to Prague with MI6 would extend to three weeks instead of just the one – if he was even in Prague at all, so classified was the nature of his work. This hadn’t been the first business trip extension, either. And next week was February 23rd.

“I see,” Kaito echoed from a faraway place, straining to stamp down the need for a screaming match. He was at work, he reminded himself, and the Collection Care and Research department at the Lourve isn’t the most bustling of places – Madeleine from one desk over had already piqued up sensing gossip. Besides, how could he point an accusatory finger at Saguru proclaiming the man heartless when he was out there saving people? He dusted off his poker face and put on a smile, even though Saguru couldn’t see it: “Tough case, huh?”

“Yeah,” Saguru returned, before bidding him a speedy goodbye and ending the call. 

Kaito didn’t hear from him for an entire week afterward.

Ah, just like high school, Kaito thought, returning another day to a dark, deserted apartment, endless strings of days waiting for a presence that is forever absent. He tossed the phone onto his pillow and threw himself onto the bed to look at the gorgeous ceiling moldings, gorgeous tall windows, and gorgeous view beyond the glass panels. Gorgeous and lonely and not much else. 

Kaito had free rein of the house, of course. Even Hakuba's beloved Aston Martin, his unlimited black card were here, liberatingly under his disposal… But the man himself was never around anymore. It was almost insulting. Kaito had started to feel more like a piece of collectible ornament than someone’s partner.

February 23rd came and went. For their anniversary, Saguru sent him rare gemstones and an ancient sculpture he didn’t care for, cakes and sweets he had no one to share with, and a teddy bear from Prague that he wanted to strangle. 

Kaito tried to be understanding. After all, just like Ekoda, Saguru would always come back to him… right?

One month passed. Then two months. At the three-month mark, Kaito sent Saguru a curt text, took an absence from work, and traveled. He bought one-way tickets, hopped from one continent to another and then back again, flying first class, living lavishly, determined to max out Saguru’s stupid credit card – that had to at least get his attention! 

To his dismay, he found the task seemingly insurmountable. And all his provocations received from Saguru was a lackluster “Do as you like.”

------

Kaito ended up where he had avoided for so long: Tokyo. And though he had notified no one of his visit, the moment he stepped through baggage claim, Kaito was greeted by one Koizumi Akako. 

"Not only had your body not aged but you stayed a child mentally,” She scoffed at him from across the table, over her cup of tea. One red, sharp fingernail tapped a slow rhythm onto the ceramic rim. “You really do stay true to your name. Just a KID after all." 

Kaito darted his eyes around, alerted. But Akihabara was as crowded as he remembered it; no one would mind a stranger’s conversation. The corner of Akako’s mouth stretched into a glossy, amused smirk in deep rouge as she watched him fidgeted. Over the years, she had aged gracefully. Youthful skirts and flats traded in for elegant pearls and stiletto. Her outfit simple in details but bold in its cut and its shade of scarlet. There was hardly any pepper in her hair, but he could see faint lines where she smiled. The enchantress was as intimidating as ever.

Kaito, too, had aged himself appropriately with prosthetics. But Akako always had her ways of knowing things. He frowned:

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You are here to run.” She accused cryptically, leaning over into his personal space and narrowing her eyes, “He’s drifting away from you, isn’t he?”

Kaito backed away, crossing his hands over his chest, defensive.

“It’s good to see you, Akako. But I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

Akako pressed on as if he hadn’t spoken:

“Why are you waiting? You have nothing tethering you back anymore. No more secrets. Why haven't you run after him?” Suddenly, she pulled back. With her petit teaspoon, the woman stirred her cup of Darjeeling tea once, twice. The swirling liquid barely had time to settle before Akako reached over and dumped the tea into his half-empty cup of hot chocolate.

“Hey!” Kaito yelped. 

Akako ignored him to keenly observe the bottom of her cup. She clicked her tongue and spoke without making eye contact.

“You might have all the time in the world, Kuroba, but the rest of us don’t. Especially him, your White Knight."

A thousand horrid scenarios flashed across his mind. Akako might be a cryptid and an occasional sadist, but he had never known her to joke around with people’s lives. Finally, it was fear that made Kaito bite:

“What am I supposed to do? He won’t talk to me! I don’t know what I did wrong.”

His old classmate looked at him like he was stupid before that crease between her brows eased into an exasperated look. She placed both elbows on the table and laced her fingers before resting her chin on top:

“My, my; are you saying that the legendary KID had no way of garnering the attention of one detective? How awfully out of practice you are.”

Something inside Kaito clicked. A lightbulb lit up. He stood at once, almost clumsily knocked over his chair. 

"Sorry, Akako, I have to go. And thanks!"

He simultaneously apologized and thanked her before beating a hasty retreat. Kaito had meant to check in on the Nakamoris, but it seemed reunion with Aoko would have to wait.

Looking out the window at his disappearing form, Akako could only huff:

"Idiots, the both of them." 

------

The Heist note was sent in two nights before the full moon, to the National Palace Museum of Korea. Kaito spent time making sure the note was perfect, that there would be no chance it could be disregarded as a mere prank, and went through the building blueprint five dozen times. The note’s arrival didn’t cause as much ruckus as he would have liked – people have grown skeptical during his absence. He couldn’t blame them; it had been nearly three decades after all. But, as the saying goes, the show must go on. He just hoped the Black Organization, too, belonged to the group of skeptics.

The target this time was a royal jade seal carved in the shape of a dragon. Once obtained without much challenge from the Seoul Metropolitan police, as a habit, Kaito raised the object toward the moonlight. The moon only cast a dim halo around it. The taste of disappointment was one Kaito found familiar.

Just when he was done putting the gem back, a troop of officers burst into the chamber. Kaito smiled at them and yielded himself over without a fight.

------

The officers didn’t know what to do with him. His ID, fingerprints, and passport were all legit in the immigration database, but his look didn’t match that of someone halfway over forty. He technically had yet to commit any major crime, and, as a legal alien, he was entitled to representation before they could proceed with the investigation. In the end, they threw him into one of those interrogation rooms with a one-way mirror to await further instructions from higher-ups.

He was slouching uncomfortably on his creaky metal chair when a Korean officer unlocked the heavy metal door. In walked Hakuba Saguru, tired and sleep-deprived, but dignified. He still donned that long, tan trench coat, and his height towered over that of the attending police officer. 

Their eyes met. They had not seen each other in half a year at that point. 

At the nod of his head, the officer went to uncuff Kaito. They were led out via the back entrance. In the hallway, Saguru put a black cap over Kaito’s messy mop of hair. Kaito wanted to reach up and take his hand; he didn’t. Instead, he was guided into the back of a nondescript black car while Saguru and the inspector in charge of the case chatted. Before long, they shook hands. His detective entered into the car next to Kaito, and tapped twice on the glass to signal their chauffeur to “drive”.

Just like that, Kaito was bailed out. He was half impressed, honestly. With his affluence and his various connections in the intelligence world, Hakuba Saguru wasn’t a man one could say no to. Kaito bet all the records and footage, too, had been wiped clean.

Their ride from the Seodaemun police station was quiet.

"Well?” He started. Saguru shot him a questioning look, “Say something." He urged.

"What do you want me to say?" Saguru gruffed out; he sounded tired. This was one of those rare moments when he looked his age to Kaito. Sometimes, he often forgot that everyone else around him had aged; Saguru was no exception. They stewed in that silence for long enough that the car stopped before a fancy hotel lobby. Kaito waited until the two of them were alone in the elevator before continuing.

"Oh, I don't know; ‘How did you gain access to the vault?’ ‘Why did you do it?’” He mimicked that sickly sweet voice to the T, “Isn't that what you detectives do? Prodding?"

Saguru breathed out a sigh. Kaito knew that sound. Just when he was about to be rejected and an end was put to their conversation, the elevator stopped, admitting two hotel patrons. They stayed in the background while the two American tourists chatted loudly, the tension thick and palpable.

At the forty-seventh floor, they emerged. Saguru made a beeline for the presidential suite. Kaito followed.

"Why did you do it?" At the door, Saguru’s curiosity finally won over. Kaito felt himself bodily piqued at an opening.

"I was waiting for you to show up.” Saguru had finished unlocking the door and turned to pass him a look of utter bewilderment. “My turn, where have you been."

“This isn’t ‘twenty questions’, Kaito,” Saguru groused, his temper rising, but he did not slam the door behind them, no. Hakuba Saguru is too well-bred for one such action. The door closed with a muted ‘click’. “What if they had shown up? We don’t know the extent of their reach. What if they had got to you while under custody?”

“Hmm… should have been ‘twenty questions’,” Replied Kaito impertinently, “So? Where were you?” 

Saguru gave up.

"All over North America. Argentina. Germany. Then… England, mostly."

"So you've been at home while I..." Kaito bit his tongue. Bit back the hurt. "Why are you avoiding me?" That part came out more of an accusation than a question.

Did I do something wrong? Was left on the tip of his tongue, unsaid.

"I don't know, Kaito, I thought I was giving you space. I don't want to... suffocate you," Kaito’s own word said carelessly months ago was suddenly thrown back at him, ringing in his ears like a piercing slap in the face.

"What the actual fuck, Hakubastard?!” He bellowed, “Is this all this is about?”

"You said it yourself, it’s suffocating building your life around another person. You don't need to feel indebted to me or anything. You owe me nothing.”

“Are you fucking serious?” Now it was Kaito’s turn to be bewildered. Saguru couldn’t meet his eyes. “Fuck, you are!”

“I'm not the same wild-eye high schooler when we met, Kai. I have aged much and I am weighed down by my commitments; you have the privilege of youth and you need your freedom, I get it. I’ll only hold you back."

Kaito barked out a hysterical laughter:

"And whose fucking fault was that? Who wished on Pandora? Who turned me into this freak of nature?"

Saguru cringed away as if burned.

"That's not entirely fair, Kaito."

Hah! Fair! Kaito turned around, found the nearest breakable object, and threw it on the floor. It was a fine ceramic vase. Looked expensive, but he didn’t care. Months of pent-up hurt and frustration were finally let loose and Kaito wanted to go to fucking war. Fuck Saguru. He can afford it. Kaito stomped away. He couldn’t even look at that idiot right now.

Kaito’s tantrum only served to aggravate Saguru further. The man was hot on Kaito’s heels into the next room instead of letting it go like Kaito had become accustomed to him doing.

"I... You...” his words stumbled, anger rendering such a man inarticulate, “What would you have me do, Kaito?! You were shot. You fell from a seven-story building. You were a bloody mess on the pavement. I couldn't even touch you for fear you would crumble under my fingers. The red staining your white regalia still haunts my dream to this day. No medic could have saved you. What would you have me do, Kaito? Watch the person I love die?"

"And now I get to watch mine die? You get to live the rest of your life with the person you love. What about me? I've been 17 for 28 years! Even when you pass away, I'll likely still be 17. And even before that you're already leaving me!"

Saguru staggered. 

“I’m not abandoning you. I’d never…” And just like that, all the fights were drained from his person. Saguru sat down on the edge of the bed, defeated. He was at once very weary: weary of the long flight and the time difference, of keeping himself away from Kaito, of this fight… and now the guilt he carried since that incident decades ago had finally done eating him up. "I didn't know about Pandora then. I'm sorry. I'd have happily traded my life if it meant you could continue living as you were"

"Don't. You. Dare." Kaito grunted out each word. Suddenly, Saguru was seized by the collar of his shirt and Kaito’s face was inches away from his. Blue sapphire alight with furry. He growled, "You made me this way, Hakubastard. You're not allowed to leave me. Ever."

And suddenly, Saguru was being kissed roughly. He hesitated for one millisecond but quickly found that he had no choice but to kiss back. Kaito tasted like desperation on his tongue, and he chased that acute flavor until it mellowed down into neediness. Kaito’s fingers half tangled, half tugged painfully on the hair at the base of his neck; and Saguru looped his arms around Kaito to steady him when he climbed onto his lap. What an intertwined mess they were, physically, emotionally.

Kaito bit him, and Saguru thought he sensed the tangy note of copper. Very well. Served him right for putting his Kaito through what he did. Somehow he always managed to make the wrong decision around Kaito. Logic seemed to escape him when it came to the man he loved.

They detangled at last. Both flushed and gaped for air. But Kaito immediately clung onto Saguru’s neck and tip them over onto the bed. He made no move to remove their coat or adjust them both into a more comfortable position. Right now, he just wanted to hold Saguru and be held. Saguru traced small circles onto his spine. Kaito shuddered.

"I'm sorry.” Saguru whispered lowly after a moment of silence, “I won't do it again. I just thought..."

"Shut up. For a world-renowned detective, you really are just a hebo Tantei."

"Sorry," Saguru chuckled and repeated himself.

Another quiet minute went by before the detective spoke again.

“Since you are so opposed to the idea of us ever leading lives independent from one another again; hypothetically, if I ask you to marry me, would you say yes?”

“Hypothetically?”

“Hypothetically.” Replied Saguru, trying not to think of his family heirloom ring he had kept in his pocket for 25 years, never finding the right time nor enough courage.

Kaito put on a show of deep contemplation – a fact that Saguru knew yet did not help his nerve one bit – before he took pity on Saguru and said:

“Then, hypothetically, I’d say yes.”

[halobirthdays]

Happy birthday to Spartan Ash-G099!

Today is his -515th birthday!

Ash was orphaned during the Human-Covenant war after the Covenant glassed his home planet of Alluvion. He was recruited by ONI into the SPARTAN-III program, and began his training under Kurt Ambrose on the shield world Onyx. Ash was assigned to Gamma Company and the leader of Team Saber, which became one of the Spartan-III's best fireteams. After the devastating losses in Alpha Company, Ambrose decided to do things differently with the Gammas. Determined not to suffer the same losses, he secretly had the Gammas treated with a cocktail of illegal performance-enhancing drugs. While this made the Gammas faster and stronger, it also made them more mentally unstable. The Gammas, including Ash, required the use of "smoothers", drugs which would counteract the mental imbalance.

After the first activation of the Halo array, Sentinels on Onyx entered a standby state. When the Sentinels reactivated, they approached Ash. When Ash was unable to satisfactorily prove that he was a "Reclaimer", the Sentinels became hostile.

At the same time, Fleet Master Voro Nar 'Mantakree began his assault on Onyx. Team Saber was joined by Spartan-II Blue Team who helped stage a defense against the assault. Two of Saber's members, Dante and Holly, died during the assault. After 'Mantakree's fleet was destroyed, Ash and the surviving members of Team Saber remained attached to Blue Team.

Blue Team was deployed to Gao to investigate the presence of a Foreunner ancilla. The ancilla was attempting to brew tension between the already-distrustful Gaos and the UNSC by killing Gao citizens, who suspected the UNSC of the murders. Gao Special Inspector Veta Lopis was sent to investigate the murders, accompanied by Blue Team. Like the other Gaos, she suspected the UNSC of the murders, and in particular, Gamma member Mark-G313.

When the truth about the ancilla Intrepid Eye was revealed and the Gao government turned on Lopis, she dropped her suspicions and joined forces with the UNSC. However, ONI was concerned with the risk the Gammas presented when they did not have a steady supply of smoothers. To keep them out of the public eye, the Gammas were trained to be part of an ONI operative team called the Ferrets with Veta Lopis as their leader.

The Ferrets went into deep cover within the Keepers of the One Freedom--a Covenant splinter group--posing as Lopis' children. Through this, they were able to follow the Keepers to the Ark. There, they learned that the Keepers intended on using the Ark to fire the Halo array with the help of San’Shyuum Prelate Dhas Bhasvod. The Ferrets broke cover to stop them, with Lopis allowing herself to he captured with the intention of guiding the UNSC to initiate an orbital bombardment to prevent the Halo arrays from firing. Mark, who began to unravel due to a prolonged period without his smoothers, suffered significant injuries by the time the Ferrets were rescued by Red Team. As they retreated, Mark was killed by Bhasvod. The Ferrets joined the crew of the UNSC Spirit of Fire, who held a funeral in his honor. Ash was deeply shaken by the loss of his teammate, believing himself responsible for Mark's death.

In canon (~2560), he is turning 21!

[rubykgrant]

You know what? YOU KNOW WHAT?

RVB Coffee Shop AU~

(but it's them, so it's WEIRD)

The Red Bean; a shop that specializes in coffee AND chili. The building is styled with a lot of desert and western themes (the whole vibe being "cowboys drinking coffee and eating chili out on the trail). They also serve a lot of "hearty" meals (bacon, fried potatoes, etc). Sarge is the founder and claims to have a "secret ingredient" that makes his coffee fresher and stronger than anything else (so, yeah; he's Mr Krabs). He's the main cook, with Simmons as his assistant (Simmons INSISTS this makes him junior manager. it does not. he's very proud about getting Employee of the Month, though!)

Grif; he would be a very good cook, but he is not to be trusted around the food (he wouldn't eat stuff for the customers, but he just sneaks little snacks all day if given the chance). Instead, he takes the drive-through orders and answers the phone. He also has close-up cleaning duty with Simmons (cleaning sucks, but the two of them have a routine where they can take their time and talk, so it's not so bad together)

Donut; greets customers inside and is the front barista (he keeps trying to come up with fun names for the different brews, but Sarge rejects them). He convinced Sarge they should sell candy too, but it has to SPECIFICALLY be Boston baked beans and various red jelly beans. He accidentally washed his red uniform with a bleach load, and it came out... lightish-red

Lopez; handles the money, and works on general repairs around the business. For special events, he rigged up a food truck so they can sell at other locations. Sarge also wanted to have "delivery jeeps" so they can do big catering orders. Nobody knows why it had to be jeeps, but Lopez made it work. Somehow

Doc; a health inspector who also checks for safety regulations. The Reds are very... chaotic in some regards, and rather strict in others. He'd rather see a place stay open and improve than simply close it, so he gets very involved with trying to help update things (at one point, the Reds thought he was getting mean phone calls from his boss, O'Malley. it turns out O'Malley is NOT his boss. O'Malley is kind of him, but also not, he just isn't always sure how to explain it to people... but now that they know, they can be introduced to O'Malley properly! he proceeds to mock them for their weird coffee-chili gimmick)

Blue Cup Coffee; originally managed by Flowers, who mysteriously went missing shortly after hiring two new employees, who had absolutely no training. Church decided to just give himself a promotion, and now he's the boss (he regrets this, now everything is his fault). He and Tucker made the mistake of enjoying free coffee a little TOO much, didn't sleep for 2 days, and started hallucinating. Church thought he died and turned into a ghost. They decided to NEVER do that again, and the whole incident kinda forced Church into actually thinking like a Responsible Adult (ew). Blue Cup focuses more of sweet and unique treats (iced coffee, milkshakes, lots of pastries and bakery goodies). Church and Tucker still enjoy these very often

Tucker; general clean-up duty and back barista. He wanted to be the one who takes orders up front or in the drive-through, but he kept flirting every time there was a girl (Church handles the front orders. he hates it). One night when he was closing, somebody broke in and tried to rob the place. Tucker stopped them, and the incident even got in the news. Tucker the Hero had a big ego boost over that. Evidently, somebody thought a "hero" would be the perfect person to leave a baby with. Early one morning, after a rush of customers, Tucker went to clean the tables and... yeah. Somebody left a baby all bundled up in a booth. Tucker was ALONE, and because of an accident in the city, emergency numbers were busy, and he PANICKED, closed the coffee shop, raided the cash register, and got a bunch of baby formula and diapers. Church is ticked off about this at first, but eventually Tucker settles down, and when family for the baby can't be located, it seems like maybe Tucker can actually do the whole dad thing

Caboose; a new employee who is a bit "accident prone", and somehow, it always negatively impacts Church. However, Caboose has a lot of enthusiasm for work nobody else wants to do, so Church keeps him around. Caboose is also good at coming up with new treat combos people love to try (special cupcakes and ice cream flavors, all that jazz). He and Tucker sort of fight for Church's attention, to which Church responds "Guys, guys- I hate you both, equally!". He and Tucker also kind of get along, but in the worst way (they aren't allowed to clean together at night anymore; they tried to combine cleaning products in the toilet for "efficiency", and it exploded)

Sheila; the one who takes calls and drive-through orders... a lot of people think it's some kind of automated voice recording that responds to their words, but that's just how she talks on the phone. She also keeps track of the finances, because Church keeps doing the math wrong

Tex; a temporary employee Church calls in when somebody is sick, or Tucker is busy with baby stuff. A lot of people assume from they way they act around each other that Tex, like... stole his wife from him and caused a divorce or something. Everybody is very surprised to learn that she's his ex-girlfriend, that he isn't totally broken-up with, and are maybe still a thing together. She refuses to wear a uniform, and instead just looks like a random biker helping herself to the coffee

Kai; she used to mooch free coffee from her bro, but Sarge cut her off. She got a job at the rival coffee place out of spite, and is now with the Blues. She doesn't pay much attention at work (and keeps wearing clothes that she THINKS are blue... but it never is), but she gets a lot of customers to pay attention to HER, so she's good for repeat-business from people who enjoy flirting (she does suggest they start selling various merch, shirts/hats and what-not, of which she takes a cut of the profits)

The Director; he's some kind of property-flipper, who wants to do something stupid like buy all the coffee places in town, because he and his now dead wife had coffee on their first date, and he's too depressed every time he sees people drinking coffee. No coffee for anybody. He wants to buy out the businesses and open a pretentious "health food" store (it's just regular food, but everything is called "artisan" and the prices are jacked way up. Freelancer Foods, sure why not). The Red and Blue coffee places won't sell to him, so he tries to send employees there for corporate sabotage

Wash; the first person sent over, initially as a go-between for both the Reds and Blues when they have vendor spaces at a county fair (or whatever). Wash isn't super into the idea if doing this, but his boss has old files on him about some... illegal incidents in his past, and is basically threatening to call the cops on Wash. After an accident at the fair, Church winds up in the hospital, and Wash gets found-family-ed by the Blues, who force him to do all the boring responsible stuff. He officially quits his old job, and finds out that there aren't any active warrants/active charges on him anyway (his previous boss was using it as an empty threat. he very much did break the law, it's just been so long, he's not wanted anymore. it wasn't a big deal, anyway. he beat up a cop who was harassing his friends~)

Carolina; shows up at Blue Cup Coffee one day, and kinda just starts demanding to know where Church is. He woke up from the hospital... and kinda wandered off. Evidently, he's related to her, and there's been some WEIRD issues with her family lately, so she just found out about him. Church has got some memory loss problems, and seems offended by the idea that he works at a coffee shop "What, no? I DEFINITELY should have a cooler job than that. Like... a firefighter. Who rides a motorcycle". Although she's pretty bossy and intimidating, Church isn't afraid to just argue back with her, and it eventually helps her be less harsh with everybody. She helps expose the wrongful activity at her father's business, and gets the Reds and Blues to finally join together (now they have one shared location, but the inside is divided right down the middle as RED and BLUE, like an argument in a sit-com)

[cliozaur]

This one is the most diffiuclt! It’s both incredibly sad and complex, especially for an all-at-once analysis. Every paragraph deserves attention that I'm unable to fully give.

Javert is quite literally going through hell now. “A novelty, a revolution, a catastrophe had just taken place in the depths of his being,” and this atop sleep deprivation, which, as I know from experience, greatly impacts mood and cognitive ability. So, I truly empathize with the inspector. I can almost feel how his brain is boiling. Of course, this mirrors what Valjean experienced after the bishop (hello, Valjean’s and Javert’s Soliloquys from the musical), but it doesn’t conclude well in Javert's case.

It’s a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions entirely new and unpleasant for Javert: about Valjean as an angel, the need to return and arrest him, the lost opportunity to call someone from the barricade to execute him instead of just leaving after being released by Valjean, thoughts on the presence of God, God’s justice versus legal justice, and many other such things. If not for his distressed state, it might have been enough to prompt him to “hand in his resignation.” However, no, he's too overwhelmed: “He felt himself emptied, useless, put out of joint with his past life, turned out, dissolved. Authority was dead within him. He had no longer any reason for existing.” Ultimately, all options dwindle down to just two: arresting Valjean or jumping into the river. Oh…

In my previous readings of the Brick, Javert’s awakening and attempts to rectify the wrongs he witnessed in prisons but remained silent about always touched me. On one hand, it's evidence that even before, some level of doubt brewed deep inside him, making him internalize that these were wrongs. But on the other hand, his final gesture pales in comparison to the system's immense wrongs. And as we’ll later learn, Javert’s note was interpreted as proof of his descent into madness.

Farewell, inspector. The Brick won't be the same without you.

[swanno-arts]

did i accidentally invest too much on this au. m maybe

additional notes below!

i know its possible to have vonel wear black as well but i wanted him to stay true to fate's colors (and yes i know there are no bright yellow in papers, please's color palette but shhh)

technically theres more grim reaper spawns, but lets just say vonel never kept track until now or there's a lack of reapers in the human department lol

the inspector still goes by the inspector, but is interchangeable with the reaper or grim

kinda has a similar vibe to the meta, please au - but in this case vonel is not fully aware of inspector's repeating lives thanks to jorji (mortimer)

initially they were restricted to just managing fates in arstotzka, but i wanted to raise the stakes :]

everyone in the office are not humans! especially not these two

vonel is aeons old. inspector is at max 28ish office-days old and vonel made him with sugar, spice, human eyes and store-bought lemons mixed in a brewing pot <3

oh yea vonel has the cat :] still deciding if it'll be lady pawdington still

anywho, for anyone trying to understand all this, basically vonel designs what is called the great dying as an attempt to eradicate humanity, so that the office ceases to operate and exist and that he could finally rest from his aeons work loop. he fakes the equilibrium rule and holds a facade to trick inspector to blindly follow his orders that would lead to the great dying. inspector can choose to either loyally obey his orders, rebel and help build humanity into a utopia and takeover vonel's role as he resigns, fuck shit up completely and get fired, create an actual equilibrium, or rebel and kill vonel.

[berrypass-de-murdler]

2 - 1 The Detective Club Killer

It is real

Apologies if the break was shorter than one would have hoped but I am back into writing and very soon into designing

Can I randomly mention my joy when I figured out the term 'murdlers' is canon-

Now remember, please no spoilers, allusions to spoilers, or extra foreshadowing - Logico is just as in the dark right now as I am! It actually helps me write him better when I don't know what's going to happen. If you do read this please keep everything to current and past episodes!

Of course Goat Lord has entered his iconic purple outfit to match the book cover, so he will look like this for the time being. Cartoon Irratino changes his outfit for every book while everyone else looks exactly the same lol

DON'T READ THE EPISODES WITHOUT READING THE BOOKS!!

Deductive Logico lies awake in bed. He’s very cozy, but that’s not the point - his brain is a mess. He’s still staring at that letter that was nailed to the door. 

Inspector Irratino is up, writing.

IRRATINO: What’s up, bud. LOGICO: Nh… nothing. IRRATINO: It’s not nothing, you’re staring at that letter again. LOGICO: THEN WHY DID YOU ASK IF YOU ALREADY KNEW?

Jesus Gico, it’s barely into the first episode and you’re already screaming! 

IRRATINO: Just… let me see it.  LOGICO: No. IRRATINO: Please?

The goat takes the note. 

IRRATINO: Pff, Logico, this is just an occult incantation! I already know what it says. LOGICO: Of course you do.

“Dear Logico,

This is a single invitation to our Old Drakonian Holiday Party at my family mega-mansion in the Violet Isles. 

Here, we are safe from the ‘night-eater’ and the Red Government, but we have problems of our own, and we need your help. Please hurry!

Yours,

V”

LOGICO: V… Lady Violet, Deacon Verdigris, Vice President Mauve… IRRATINO: But… but… what about me? Why’s it just for you? [sigh] I’d really love to help them discover their dark secret… LOGICO: What dark secret? There’s no mention of a dark secret. IRRATINO: Oh there’s obviously a dark secret. There’s always a dark secret. I mean, ‘night-eater’?? Come on! LOGICO: All right, all right, I’ll admit it’s very suspicious. Now to bed for the both of us - we have a big day in the morning.

After a sleepless night of excitement, the boys head to Logico’s Detective Club. He’s invited his murderer friends over to tell them the news!

SAFFRON: Ohmygod Logico, that is SO AWESOME!! I’m so PROUD of my little guy! LOGICO: Not 'little guy'!

General Coffee has been coming to the club every day for coffee, since he was banned from his own shop.

COFFEE: The beans aren't as good as mine, but seeing Logico is a treat. LOGICO: I don’t… like that-

And Grandmaster Rose is also there!

ROSE: They’ve got me! LOGICO: Who’s got you? ROSE: My opponent! They started with the Grob! LOGICO: …

Irratino is jumping around, as he always is.

IRRATINO: I’m so happy for us! We get to solve a new mystery! LOGICO: Don’t get too excited. I’m detecting a lot of new trauma and plenty more suffering is going to come our way. IRRATINO: WOW, Logico! Do you always have this mindset??

Anyway, Coffee takes a break from his brews to check out the printing press. He seems to be rolling out a book.

COFFEE: I was so inspired by your Bookie award, I’m aiming for one myself! LOGICO: Okay… what’s the book about? COFFEE: It’s called Of Beans and Bombs - it’s about coffee and war! LOGICO: I… could have guessed as much... Wait wait wait a second. Shouldn’t there have been a murder by n-

Now a club member is dead!

LOGICO: There we go. IRRATINO: Gotta get your kicks in before the story even starts, huh. LOGICO: Whodunit? SAFFRON: Oooh, can I help you solve the case? LOGICO: No, you’re a suspect!

Logico snoops around. Coffee seems content enough, he’s just reading Murdle (product placement, wink wink!). Rose is still playing chess, because what else would he possibly be doing. Saffron is on the roof to find her own clues, examining a pigeon with a magnifying glass very thoroughly.

SAFFRON: I know he did it!

Irratino distracts everyone by taking their horoscope while Logico gathers info. 

LOGICO: Alright, all suspects to the roof please. ROSE: Um… no… I… just want to stay down here and play chess. LOGICO: Seriously?  ROSE: Yes… please?

Logico takes a second look. Rose’s ‘opponent’ is a dead fish - obviously his murder weapon.

LOGICO: Rose, what the fuck- ROSE: No! This is all wrong. [fumes red] LOGICO: [dejected] What’s wrong with my deductions? ROSE: Well for one, I was supposed to get away with it!

Logico rolls his eye. He has nothing to say.

IRRATINO: Come on, let’s go on an adventure! LOGICO: All right… as long as you don’t word it like that.

The end!

I have to make a list of how many times there's a murder and Logico does nothing about the culprit in the end lmao

I'm very excited to be writing new stuff again <3 I hope this second series is not worse than the first-

The power of Goat Lord compels you!

See you next time murdlers!

[11cleyvaart]

Quimbget tragedy please?😘😘

TW blood: Cartoony blood I guess

I was going to do Gadget gets killed but if Quimby gets killed off we can unlock Inspector Gadget Evil Ending. I fought with the hat longer than I wanted so I got rid of it.

First time drawing again coming off a stomach flu.

Gadget clutched the chief in his arms, trying to stop the never ending blood that soaked into his shirt. Quimby just gave a smile to Augustin's efforts. His Inspector, always there to be the hero, just once he tried to be the hero; only ending in vain. Frank placed his shaky hand over the gloved metal hand, squeezing it in affirmation knowing the truth before Gadget.

"It's okay, Inspector." Quimby spoke in a hushed tone, trying to soothe the emotions brewing in the cyborg. "Augie, I'm proud of you..."

[hauntnowpod]

Episode Twenty-Five - The Drawing

While Frankie debates whether she wants to keep searching for her family, trouble brews for our ghost hunters who are still doing their best to deal with Portland’s poltergeist problem. This episode references Block 14 in Portland’s Lone Fir Cemetery which has an important, long-ignored history: we encourage you to learn more about it here

Transcript here!

The Way We Haunt Now is supported in part by an award from the Vermont Arts Council and the National Endowment for the Arts. This episode of The Way We Haunt Now was written by Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie, with sound design by Brad Colbroock and voice acting by:

Ariane Marchese as TV Voices

Ali Hylton, Jeff Goldman, Kirsty Woolven, and Natalie Hunter as the Apartment

Becca Marcus as Lota

Brad Colbroock as Cas

Carl G Brooks as Theodore

Courtney Floyd as Eulalie

Danny Spiller as Aaron

Deniss C. as Cecilia

Eleanor Grey as Frankie

Ella Gans as Nurse

Emma Skinner as TV Voices

James Molloy as TV Voices

Jenna Rose as Minerva

Jess "Bear" Winston as Alicia

Kirsty Woolven as Fidelia

Lindsay Zana as Danny

Marlon Dance-Hooi as Chief Inspector Turnbubble

Marnie Warner as Parker

Mary-Anne Stanek as Sister Prudence

Mihai Matei as Poltergeist 4

Paul H. Rollins as Nick

Sneha Kumar

Tal Minear as Myrtle

Tim Lowe as Jon Harker

There’s no need to bust out your Ouija board to keep in touch. Whether you’re new to the spirit world or simply a ghost in need of some entertainment, you can visit www.hauntnowpod.com for information about our cast and crew, content warnings, and transcripts.

You can also find us screaming into the void of social media at, you guessed it, @HauntNowPod. Remember to HAUNT RESPONSIBLY.

[mannytoodope]

Linda: Three burgers of the day. Who are your pals, Teddy?

Teddy: These guys are from the home brew supply shop.I brought 'em over here to try your burgers with Teddy's Brewski.

Bob: What's Teddy's Brewski?

Teddy: It's the name of my home-brewed beer. I used to call it Bucket Brew, since that's where it ferments. In a bucket.

Bob: Is it safe to drink? You know, it's just that you brewed it in a bucket.

Linda:Of course, it's safe.It's alcohol.

Brew Buddies: Mmm... Mmm...

Teddy: Right?

Brew Buddies: Mm-hmm. Oh.

Teddy: Mmm.

Linda: Aw, so cute. Your burgers and his beer are making little belly babies.

Bob: Ew.

Linda: What?

Teddy: Oh, Bob. Bob! Bob!

Bob: What what? What?

Teddy: You should sell my beer! We could be partners! What?

Bob: Teddy, I-I don't think restaurants are allowed to sell home-brewed beer.

Linda: Aw, who's gonna care?

Bob: The health inspector, the Bureau of Alcohol, the police...

Linda: So we won't get caught. We'll run it like a speakeasy. I'll be like a pretty female Al Capone.

Teddy: Come on, Bob, just taste your burger and then my beer.

Bob: Well, it's pretty hard to pair my burgers with the right beer.

Bob: Oh, my God.

Teddy: Right?

Linda: Huh?

Bob: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let's do it!

Teddy: It's amazing!

Bob: Let's do it!

[inkwell-intermission]

Dunno if you're still in school, I just woke up and saw the choose violence post and hell YEAH I'm interested. 1, 8, 22

8: common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Honestly, its obviously subjective, but there are small things? I think people are wrong when they make Droog Russian. I don't know. I think it's just tired. bonus points if they characterize him as like, Russian and a sociopath or whatever. It's just boring. I also don't like when Sleuth is blond. Bottle blond sure, but do you think that man puts enough effort into his appearance to BOTHER? He barely showers every other day let alone gets metrosexual with it. If a version of Sleuth was going to be a bottle blond you KNOW it would be Scofflaw, Sleuth absolutely does not serve daily hygiene in the way some people draw him 😭

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

This is a hard one because there's so little intermission to begin with, and not that much problem sleuth. I really enjoy the dipshit fop versions of the sleuth team and i never see anything about them i guess? I want to see more of the gentlemen, I should draw some stuff for them at some point. I'm going to put most of 1 under a cut because I'm gonna get into it.

the character everyone gets wrong

Where to start, I've got thoughts on a bunch of characterizations I think are just wrong, but the top four are Pickle Inspector, Die, Clubs Deuce and Droog.

TO START: PICKLE INSPECTOR

Whenever I see PI characterized as a tea drinker I think its very funny but also incorrect. I am fairly certain we never see PI drink tea, outside of possibly some provided by Death. When left to his own devices PI brews his own moonshine and gets absolutely plastered locked in his own office. He keeps his own waste in a glass vase in his office! I don't believe he has long hair as a person either, because he would NOT take care of it. He showers less frequently than Ace or Sleuth. I think if he had long hair that would get so tangled and he would be so stressed and fried about detangling it would never happen and he'd have to cut it all off. I think he cleans up his act a little when Broad comes into his life because he doesn't want to scare her off by being such a disaster, but he's low functioning, very neurotic, and constantly dissociating. Even if he's smart and detail-oriented, I don't believe he channels that into cleaning his own space, maintaining his personal hygiene, or literally just going grocery shopping. He isn't fussy and neat and a tea drinker, he's fussy and snippy and a bit peevish, he's sometimes delusional and dissociative and sitting in his own sweat for days. He needs to be hosed down like a dog at the groomers!!! DIE

This man is also not long haired because he is disgusting and i cannot imagine him taking care of it. he's similar to PI but doesn't dissociate in the same way and expresses his anxieties a lot more externally. I personally headcanon him as having trichotillomania and having very thin hair and eyebrows, and stubby if any eyelashes. He's not in an environment conducive to like. Reducing anxiety. So it's not getting better really. He wears gloves to make it more difficult to pull out individual hairs. If he's a leprechaun with no hair, he probably picks at his skin, and I headcanon leprechauns as having something akin to vellus hairs all over their body giving them a very soft feeling skin, and he would also tear those out. I think he's marginally more fixated on contamination anxiety than PI is, but overall he doesn't have the motivation to take care of himself! He lives a very stressful existence and is like the most frightened and aggressive donskoy cat you've ever seen. I do want to also note that I think him just being a wimp is wrong, i think he is a wimp but responds to threats not by cowering exclusively, but also by brandishing a gun and getting very agitated and i think he bites. TLDR he is not a cute schmoopy to me he is a possum who needs to get its shots (not for rabies. tetanus and the like)

CLUBS DEUCE

I don't have exactly as much to say on deuce that i didn't cover in another post i made about him, but it seems like he gets infantilized a lot sometimes. He's a grown ass adult man, he's just full of whimsy and love and enjoys being alive and setting fires and building things. He's not a toddlerrrrr. I'm not saying everyone treats him like one but he's got like. a full inner life. He's just has some of the best mental health in midnight city

DIAMONDS DROOG

I can go into his character in detail another time, but I'll say a little about how i think he's fanonized so deeply. He is not cool. He just looks cool. He's not verbose, he cultivates a very particular look and sticks to it, but that's not because he's some kind of casanova, or suave. His flat affect is unintentional. His unflappable reputation is nonexistent- he is incredibly violent and prone to temper flare-ups, the only difference is how much he screams or swears compared to Slick, he's almost as violent as him, just not as off-the-handle. He's very specific and detail oriented, but is also INCREDIBLY boring! Not in a bad way, he's just. Normal. I think he has absolutely no imagination skills. his imagination stat is like a paradox. He simply doesn't imagine anything new! When the Draconian Dignitary puts the ring on in Homestuck that one time, and he doesn't get a whole big transformation? HE COULDN'T IMAGINE HIMSELF AS ANYTHING COOLER! And, i also think he's autistic (like me), and that ties into how i think he's so uncomfortable with change or going outside of his specific ass comfort zone. He's not cool, or even sexy, its all a facade. He calls the number on clothes catalogues to interrogate underpaid employees about the kinds of seams on their trousers and the fabric treatments they use on their products for hours. He eats one of three things when he goes out if he goes out at all. He has a hundred opinions on alcohol and cigars and he doesn't even like smoking cigars firsthand because the flavors too strong. He lives a highly internal life. If he wore a collarless overshirt he would die. He wouldn't even wear a funny tie of his own volition! He's kind of a killjoy dipshit! AND I LIKE HIM FOR IT! Thank you for listening to my thoughts.