#It’s more that I’m frustrated with myself for being so bad at connecting with other people

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story- pt 27 The Higher Realm

Here it is guys, a new part! Not very long, but it's new and I'm happy. Thanks for everyone who waited.

Masterpost linked here for anyone who wants to re-read.

___________________________

*** Soul transfer 25% complete. ***

As the words formed in front of me, I felt a sudden surge of dark power from deep within my soul. It crackled just beneath my skin, an incredible, immeasurable force.  I could feel it, knew it was there with a deep certainty I couldn’t explain. But while I could sense the enormity of it, I couldn’t touch it, couldn’t reach it or use it in any way. I stared down at my hand in frustration, wishing I understood what “soul transfer” meant, and how it was connected to this power within me.

“Umm… are you okay?”

A soft voice broke me from my reverie. I glanced up to see Liam staring at me with a look of concern. “If this is a bad time, I can come back later…” He was still extending a hand down to me to help me to stand.

How long have I been sitting here, staring at my hand, like a crazy person?

“Sorry.” I took Liam’s offered hand, sucking in a shocked breath once I did so.  There was a sudden connection when our hands touched. Something deep within my soul that had felt empty and alone had filled the moment my hand touched his, like a puzzle piece clicking into place. The connection was strange to me, but at the same time achingly familiar. I shook my head, trying to clear it of the shock, and used his help to stand next to him.  I was somewhat surprised to realize how tall he was, his thinner frame disguising his height. I tilted my head back, my eyes meeting his own quietly amused gaze.

“Sorry.” I repeated. “I’m just a little confused and lost.”

“Ah. No worries about that! You’re in good company, I happen to specialize in being lost and confused.” He answered with a smile.

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I’m Bel.”

“I know.”

I sighed with relief. “Good, I wasn’t sure, since we looked so different when we last saw each other!”

“You knew that was me?” He blurted out, obviously surprised. “How?”

I tilted my head. “You have the same name? We had coffee? You were the assassin who wasn’t a cat?”

“Ah… Yes!  The assassin world. That’s definitely the time I was thinking of, and not any other lower realm.”  Nodding enthusiastically, he avoided my curious look, but didn’t step away from our close position.

It was then I realized, somewhat uncomfortably, that I had not let go of his hand after taking it to stand up. With a regret I couldn’t quite explain, I released him, my hand feeling immediately empty and cold. Besides that, I felt a deep fatigue slowly settling in, an unexplainable tiredness as if my energy was slowly being sapped away. It had started from the moment I woke up here, and slowly became more noticeable over time. I looked over at Liam, who seemed unaffected by any similar exhaustion.

There’s something so familiar about him, I feel it even more so than I did in the assassin world. Which reminds me…

BAM!

“Ouch!” Liam rubbed his upper arm where I softly punched him. He looked down at me, confused. “What was that for?”

Avoiding his puppy dog eyes, I forced myself to scowl and explain. “THAT’s for poisoning yourself, you jerk!”

“Oh. That.”

“YEAH THAT! Do you know how hard I cried when I realized what you did? Just casually drinking poison and sneaking off to an alley to die?”

“I’m sorry, I…” He stuttered as he rushed to explain himself. “I didn’t think…”

“Didn’t think what?”

“Didn’t think it would matter.” His voice was neutral, almost carefree, which made the certainty of his words even worse. He truly didn’t think there was anyone who minded that he died in that world. “I’m the villain, Bel. I had to die if that lower realm world was to avoid being destroyed. I didn’t want you to feel sad or guilty, and that seemed the best way.” He paused. “Wait… why did you cry? Weren’t you happy the world was saved?”

I shook my head, resisting the urge to knock some sense into this man. “I cried because I thought you were dead! I thought I would never see you again!”

“You wanted to see me again?” His excited tone threw me off.

“Well… yes, but you’re missing the point!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“Do you even know why are you apologizing?”

“Because I made you sad when I drank poison and died in the lower realm. So I’ll try my best not to drink poison ever again.”  He paused. “Is that right?”

I rubbed my forehead. “Not just poison, Liam, try not to get hurt at all.”

“That would be difficult.” He now had a solemn expression on. “Villains have to have a bad ending for the story to end happily.”

The villain? I felt a dull burning ache in my heart at his words, a memory just beyond reach.

“Why do you think you’re the villain?”

He shrugged. “It’s my role.”

“I don’t think you’re a villain. Villains don’t drink poison to protect a world from being destroyed.”

“I never said I was good at being a villain.”

I sighed at his amused words, and gave up trying to convince Liam for now. Turning away from him, I finally took a good look at my surroundings. The sense of fatigue was growing stronger, I felt dead on my feet, but curiosity overcame the tiredness as I examined my new location.

 “Where are we?”

It was a forest, somewhat similar to the one that surrounded the castle in the Higher Realm, but a dark and twisted version. The sunlight around us was a muted, almost grayish light, piercing through the rotting branches, barely reaching the ground that was mixed dirt and dying grass. The trees pierced through the earth, tangled dark wood fighting each other for the slightest hint of light and air. The shadows were just a bit too dark, not matching the objects casting them.

“Is this still the higher realm?”

“…No. I’ve never seen that place, but I heard it’s beautiful. This place is different.” Liam looked around dully.

“It’s not a lower realm though, there’s no story or mission prompt. So where is it?”

“It a separate realm, with a specific purpose.” He was now staring at his feet, avoiding eye contact.

“What purpose?”

“It’s a cage, Bel.” His blue eyes met mine, and I could see the deep sadness within it. “And you can’t stay here.”

I was shocked at that. “You want me to leave?”

“What?!” He almost fell in shock at my words, stumbling over his words as he tried to explain. “No, that’s not what I mean at all! I would love for you to stay! Nothing would make me happier than if you could live here… I mean…” He seemed to realize what he was saying, and flushed with embarrassment. “It’s this place that’s the problem… watch:”

He reached out and touched a tree branch, which fell to pieces in his hand.

“This place destroys life, slowly draining the energy from everything in it until only death remains. Nothing good can survive here.”

That explains the tiredness I felt. For a moment I remembered Adonis showing me a blood red door.  What had he called it? “A higher realm like ours. But a place of pure evil.” He told me something similar at the time, that nothing good could survive there.  Looks like I managed to explore the scary portal in the end. But if what they are saying is true…

 “What about you, Liam? How can you live here if it’s so dangerous?

“I told you.” He shrugged. “This world is a cage. And I’m the monster it’s meant to hold.”

“You’re not…” I wanted to protest his words, but I stopped at the look in his eyes. Changing tactics, I asked instead: “So how do we escape this cage?”

“I don’t know.” He frowned. “How did you get here?”

I thought about my last memory before I woke up, and then cursed loudly. “That IDIOT!”

“…I’m sorry?”

“Not you! That jerk who drugged me and tossed me in here!” My stomach growled. “And he did it before I could even eat BREAKFAST! He couldn’t wait until I had a chance to eat?” I shook my head sadly. “That’s almost as much of a crime as the kidnapping itself!”

The tree Liam’s hand had been resting on snapped like a twig, falling to the ground with a loud crash. Ignoring the carnage, he turned towards me, his face grim. “Who did this to you?”

“The kidnapping? He calls himself Adonis, I, however, have much more descriptive and fun colorful names for him.”

“Adonis…” Liam thought the name over for a moment. “Blonde fellow? Acts as if he’s the most important person in the universe?”

“That’s him!”

Liam growled under his breath. It was difficult to make out words, but I barely made out “Should have bit him harder.”

I raised an eyebrow at that, “You BIT him?”

“In another world. Wish I could snapped his neck, or at least ripped a limb off, rather than just take a bite...” He stopped, seemingly realizing what he just said, and looked over at me with an embarrassed expression. “Not that I’m normally biting people!”

I waved a hand at his distressed expression. “Don’t worry, I’d bite a few limbs off of the guy if I could right now. Especially with how hungry I am.” I laughed bitterly. “He better HOPE I get some food in me before I see him again!”

“Well, if Adonis the Great and Full of Himself was the one who put you here, then we have a bit of a problem. He’s the only one that I know of who has been able to open the portal to here.”

“Not that I want to go back anyways.”

“I told you, this place will kill you if you stay.” He shook his head at that. “First, we need to figure out food. Follow me.” He started walking deeper into the forest. I had to trot to keep up with his longer stride at first, but he quickly slowed down to allow me to walk at a regular pace. Even that was tiring, but I pushed forward.  I looked at the forest, wondering what there would be to scavenge in such a dead place. Deciding to ask Liam, I tugged at his hand, noticing idly his ears turning red at the brief contact.

“What kind of food do you normally eat here?”

Liam blinked, seeming almost confused by the question. “There’s a few beasts… kind of. They should be edible for humans.”

“Okay. Cooked meat doesn’t sound too bad.”

“…Yes… cooked…because that’s how normal humans eat. I eat it like that too.”

Eyeing his dodgy appearance, I decided not to ask.

After a few minutes of walking, during which I became progressively more winded, we finally came to a large cave.

“Here’s my home!” Liam smiled proudly as we entered. “I carved it myself!” He proceeded to show me the fairly spacious cave with roughly made, mostly empty rooms, boasting about the thickness of the walls and the special rocks he had collected along the way.

I smiled at his boasting, the stared at the enormous claw marks in the carved stone walls, and silently looked away.

He pushed a roughly made stool close to me. “Here, have a seat.”

“Thank you!” I sat down, breathing heavily. “I’m beat!”

Liam’s expression was concerned as he watched me rest. “This place is already draining you, Bel. I’m worried what will happen if you stay here too long.”

“I’m fine!” I waved a hand tiredly. “Just need to catch my breath.”

He wasn’t reassured. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Maybe I’m just out of shape, have you thought about that?”

“Sure, that’s it.” Liam laughed quietly, almost seemingly in spite of himself. “Either way, while you rest, I’ll get you some food.”

“I’ll help…” I stood up, but my legs gave out beneath me and I started to fall. Liam, surprised, caught me, lifting me up in a careful hold. Silently, he moved deeper into the cave, entering one of the carved rooms.  A single cot sat on a dirt floor, and he gently laid me down on it.

“Umm, thanks.” I looked up at Liam and paused saw an embarrassed expression, his eyes avoiding my own as he turned away.

“Rest here. I’ll bring you food.” He muttered quietly. “Cooked meat. Cooked.” He seemed to be reminding himself as he hurried out of the room, leaving me alone with just my thoughts and the sound of a rumbling, empty stomach.

I stared at the empty room for a few seconds, and then laughed. “What a cute villain.”

*** Soul transfer 28% complete. ***

______________________________

“Where are we?”

I looked up at the stranger who called himself Liam. His face was indifferent, his dark blue eyes cold as he shook his head slowly. “This isn’t a place for you. That’s all that matters. You should leave.”

“I can’t leave.” My voice cracked into a soft sob as I failed to hold back tears. “I’ve been betrayed, I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“You can do what you like, but you shouldn’t stay here.” He tried to laugh, but the sound couldn’t really be a laugh, it was far too sad and bitter of a sound to be called something so cheerful. “Otherwise, you’ll die, just like everything else.”

_______________________

“Bel, wake up.”

I blinked, the vision in my dream fading away as Liam’s face came into view.

I thought about the scene I had seen, similar to my recent interaction with Liam, but different. It felt real, like a memory. I’ve been here before. I’ve met Liam before in this place. It’s the same… but different.

But what is different? If I had to pin down what had changed from what I had remembered, it was Liam and I. The “me” in that memory was far more devastated by Adonis’s betrayal. I on the other hand, was more pissed than sad, wanting to save my mental energy towards plotting my revenge rather than mourning the friendship.

Anyone who is willing to stab me in the back doesn’t deserve my tears.

The Liam in my memory was different too. He was harsher, colder. The current Liam’s eyes were gentler, filled with a deep strength that hadn’t been there before.

We were both stronger, but it was more than that. There was a connection between us, not present in the brief memory of him from before. Something had changed in us. Something that had happened to bring us here again. I had a feeling that as the “soul transfer” continued I would learn more. If only I could figure out what made it increase!

“Bel, are you okay?”

I smiled at Liam, trying to reassure him. “I’m awake.”

“Good! So I made you some food…” He held out some charred meat that had been roughly cut up into bite sized chunks. It did not look very appetizing.

“I’m sorry.” He noticed me looking the food over and put his head down. “It’s my first time cooking it like this.”

I tried not to wonder how he usually ate meat if he didn’t cook it and took the burnt food from his hands. “Thanks, I’m starving!”

I ate it slowly, surprised at the not-terrible taste. Finishing the portion, I gave Liam a thumbs up. “It’s good!”

“Really?” He lit up with excitement. “I’ll keep working on my cooking and make it even better!”

Support spouse. The thought came and went, the words seeming strange and familiar at the same time.

“Hopefully I’ll be able to track down some fruit on the edge of this realm that are still alive and edible.” He said with a grin as I continued to eat. “That should at least keep you going until that Adonis the Jerkwad can come back to save you.”

I put down the meat in my hand. “I mean it Liam, I’m not going with him.”

“But you’ll die here.”

I didn’t hesitate, meeting his dark blue gaze with my own. “I’d rather that then agree to his broken idea of fate.”

The word fate seemed to twist within Liam, and for the first time I saw rage instead of amusement deep within his eyes. “Fate.” He spat the word out like a curse.: “… So you want to stay here?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Look you see we should talk about this before you say no…” I paused. “Did you just say ‘yes’?”

“I actually said ‘okay’ but essentially yes.”

“But… but…”

He was grinning again. “Did you want me to say ‘no’’? Or did you want to finish convincing me? Because I can pretend to say no if you want to say your piece.”

“Aren’t you worried I’ll get hurt?”

He pointed at me. “You don’t want to be under Adonis the Asshat’s control, under the control of fate.” His finger pointed at himself. “I happen to really really like having you around.” He shrugged. “So I guess we’ll just have to come up with a way to help you survive here.”

“Just like that?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

I grinned. “Then it’s settled. I’m staying with you AND not dying!”

*** Soul transfer 29% complete. ***

Eyeing the silent glowing words in the air, and curious about their meaning, I went back to eating the meat, which seemed to taste even better than before.

_________________

After eating I fell asleep again, feeling drained. This time I didn’t dream, but when I woke up, I still felt tired. Liam wasn’t kidding when he said this place would drain my energy from me.

…

Where is Liam?

Looking around, I saw that Liam, who had been by my side since I first woke up in this realm, was gone. I felt momentarily lost, and a bit lonely. Shaking my head in mild frustration, I forced myself to stand, bracing a hand against a claw marked wall.

Bel… you’ve been just fine being alone in the higher realm before this. In fact, you used to be excited when you could ditch Adonis the Buttface and spend time by yourself! How can you be so affected by just a few minutes without Liam?

…

…

… as the uncomfortable silence stretched on, I twiddled my thumbs, feeling a strange urge to juggle.

BAM!

A loud noise sounded out from a different part of the cave. “Thank goodness for that!” I didn’t even care if it was a deadly monster that broke into the cave, it was better than sitting bored and silent. I walked out, holding onto the wall for support, my feet shuffling oddly as I forced them to move. Taking short pauses to catch my breath, I continued to go slowly to the source of the noise. When I exited the room into the large open common space of the cave, however, I stopped, this time due to shock rather than exhaustion.

A glowing portal had opened in the air. It was similar to the ones in the higher realm, but different in several ways.  The edges glowed a blood red, and the whole space gave off a malicious energy. As I watched, the tear in space closed, leaving only the feeling of unease behind.

And on the floor beneath where the portal had hovered, lay Liam.

“Liam!” I stumbled forward, half kneeling, half falling towards him. He was curled in a ball, his clothing damp with sweat. His face was paler than it had been, his face drawn in a silent mask of pain.

What had he gone through in a lower realm? I knew from experience that injuries from the lower realms didn’t follow you to the higher realms.

But the pain did.

Before I could investigate further, Liam turned over onto his back, his blue eyes still showing pain… but triumph as well.

“I got it!”

“You got what?” I asked. “Beaten up?”

“No! … I mean yes I did but that’s not the point!” he laughed. “I tricked Dumbo into slipping up and telling me what we need!”

“Dumbo… you mean Adonis?”

“That’s what I said, Adonis the Great and Mighty Dumbo.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle, having to sit down as even kneeling became too much. “So what did he tell you?”

“You don’t belong here… your very nature makes this realm reject you. Just as my nature, my energy allows me to live here trapped but fine. Which means you just need a different energy to survive in this world! One that won’t be sapped away. And who happens to possess an energy that this realm doesn’t feed off of?” His grin widened.

“You?”

“Yep!” He stood up, muttered “excuse me” and picked me up again, carrying me back to the cot in the other room.

“Wait! So if that’s the case why are you taking me back to bed? Can you just give me the energy? Also how do I get your energy? Do we have to do it on the bed?”

Liam turned a bright red. “No, it’s not what you think! I’m just letting you rest while I go prepare stuff…” He very quickly but gently set me down and rushed out of the room, as if afraid to hear anything else from me.

“Ummm…”I was asking in earnest, but my words seemed to make Liam misunderstand. Thinking for a moment, I groaned and covered my face in my hands, feeling the heat radiating off it “Stupid Bel.”

After what seemed like an eternity Liam returned with a cup. Still slightly embarrassed, I took it from him, looking at the liquid inside.

It was gold.

“What is this?”

“This?” He seemed confused by the question. “It’s blood.”

“No, it’s not.”

“What do you mean?”

“The blood of what? A magical creature?”

Liam laughed uncomfortably. “No, just my blood.”

“Why is it gold?”

He hesitated at that. “Normal blood is a gold color. That’s what regular human blood looks like. Yep. That’s it.”

“No… it’s red.”

“Maybe you’re confused?” He flinched at my expression. “Maybe everyone has gold blood and it just seemed red at the time? Because of bad lighting?”

I watched him bend his head uncomfortably, looking almost scared that I would ask further. My heart ached.

“Sure, Liam. It’s just normal, human blood.” I smiled as I saw him sigh with relief out of the corner of my eye. “Now what do I do with it?”

“You drink it. Thus, the cup.” Seeing my blanching expression, he continued to explain. “You see, it’s how to transfer some of my energy to you. It won’t fix everything, but it will help with the worst of it. I promise it won’t hurt you!”

I believed him. “Thank you, Liam.” I tipped it back and drank it. It was warm, but strangely sweet.

Yeah, definitely not “normal human blood” even if the color didn’t make it obvious.

As I drank it, I felt a good portion of energy return to me. I was still a little tired, but at least I should be able to walk without falling or passing out. I stood up, turning around, and gave Liam a hug. “Thank you!”

He stiffened in shock, but reached out to hug me back before stepping away, blushing. “S-sure… anytime…”

We smiled at each other, and for the first time that I could remember, for the first time since I had woken up in the higher realm, I felt at peace.

I felt at home.

 *** Soul transfer 30% complete. ***

[lurkingshan]

I’m thinking a lot about the scene between Pran and Tian where they discuss the fight Tian and Phupha are having. Not the fake one about who liked who first, but the real one about Phupha refusing to travel home with Tian or change anything about his life to meet Tian’s needs. It’s a funhouse mirror image of the conflict Pat and Pran are having about how much Pran should let Pat help him, and their long-term dynamic of Pat letting Pran win every disagreement and always being the one to compromise or give in when their needs are in tension.

What I love about it is that Tian doesn’t know anything about their relationship, he’s just (drunkenly) talking about his own experience, and how frustrating and exhausting it is to be with someone like Phupha who never meets him halfway. And Pran is sitting across from this guy who looks like his twin, whose story he has already memorized and connected to, who he now thinks of as a sort-of friend, and he is self-aware enough to see the parallels instantly, and to feel a little embarrassed and ashamed that he is essentially the Phupha in his relationship. And you see him react, just a little, and maybe start to think for the first time about what it must feel like for Pat to yield to him on everything, and never have that reciprocated by Pran.

Reading this wonderful post from @waitmyturtles earlier where she mentioned how she empathizes with Pran, I was also reflecting a bit about where I see myself in this story, and let me tell you, I am such a Phupha. When it comes to how I want to live my life, where I want to be, and how I want to spend my time and with whom, I am uncompromising to a fault. I completely get where Phupha is coming from - I told you who I am, and now you’re telling me it’s not enough. He is frustrated by the idea that he has to change himself for Tian, and I get that, I really do. It’s something I am personally not willing to do. The key difference between me and Phupha, however, is that I am not in love and I do not desire to be in a romantic partnership. He very much is, and very much does.

So what might a guy like Phupha think, as he is struggling so much with the idea of yielding to Tian, when he is met with someone like Pat? Someone who is so like him in some ways - in his strength, his masculinity, his physicality, his confidence, his loyalty, his desire to help others - and yet so unlike him in other ways - his emotional openness, his vulnerability, his comfort with compromise, his absolute willingness to put his pride aside for his lover. Where Phupha is rigid, Pat is versatile, in every sense of the word. There is a lot Phupha might learn from talking to someone like Pat about how he sees his relationship, why he is always willing to bend to Pran’s needs, and why he ultimately feels it’s worth it, even if he sometimes feels some of the frustration that Tian does. Might Phupha have his own epiphany next week, opening up a path for him to finally compromise on something important to Tian?  

@dribs-and-drabbles, I’m not sure how this might fit into your theory about the patterns playing out in these episodes, but I really hope we get to see this happen next week, and watch both of these couples learn from each other’s experiences and find a way to meet their partners in the middle. Because as @waitmyturtles said, this is the work of being in a long term relationship.

In the server with @bengiyo @shortpplfedup @kyr-kun-chan @wen-kexing-apologist we talk often about how amazing it is when romances address what happens to couples after they get together, and how exciting it is that we are starting to see more bl shows about the work of staying together, and I’m so glad that the genius minds behind Bad Buddy and A Tale of Thousand Stars took the opportunity of this special to dig into that so authentically. And to have done it in such a brilliant way, by mixing and matching these characters from beloved shows, putting them side by side and demonstrating how they are similar and also how they can learn from each other, creating a sense of community in this shared universe, and making it all so damn fun along the way, is just an unbelievable treat for us as an audience. Can't wait to see how it all comes together next week.

[kywaslost]

Hii!! I hope you are having a good day❤

Would it be okay to ask some comfort with Hawks (or Izuku) where the reader feels like they are always annoying him and apologizing about it a lot.

Like they feel like they might be too clingy at times, or that they are talking too much when getting excited about something. Or if they ask him to do something small like asking for a water they immediately say something like "actually no, I'm sorry I can get it for myself."

Basically they are just afraid they are being annoying and he would eventually start hate them for it and leave

(I love your writings so much!!❤ Reading them makes me always smile! :3 I hope you had good Christmas!❤)

You Don’t Bother Me - Izuku

A/N: Hey! My day’s been alright, hope you’re having an amazing day <3 I love this idea so much because this is my thought process lol. I always find that my writings are better when I can have some sort of personal connection with them :) And I’m so glad you like my writings, that makes me so happy!! I hope you had an amazing Christmas as well!!!!

Most people have the slight thought pass through their mind from time to time, ‘am I annoying?’. Of course, there are some who don’t give a care in the world, and those are the people no one can stand most of the time. Then there are the ones who sometimes act on this thought, maybe opting out of certain actions or choosing not to say certain things just to be a more likable person. Finally, there are the ones who overthink this thought. They stew over it endlessly, which only ends up with them convinced to the high heavens that they are the most bothersome person around and no one likes them.

Alright, maybe you didn’t take it that far, but you most certainly were one of the few people who overthink about their status with others. Especially your boyfriend Izuku Midoriya. He was just so sweet and kind to you that you sometimes felt like maybe he thought it was a chore to help you with things or to do things for you.

You weren’t sure when you first thought he may be annoyed by you. Maybe it was the time when you asked him for an emergency study date for math because you had an exam the next day and were lagging behind in class a bit. You felt bad because Izuku already had work studies with Endeavor and he looked worn down, but nevertheless, he smiled softly and said, “Sure. I’ll meet you in your dorm in about half an hour.”

That night, as you lay in bed, you began to think of every time Izuku had inconvenienced you. The countless times he had helped you with homework, or dropped whatever he was doing to calm you down when you got anxious or scared. That happened often. You rolled over, pulled your blanket tighter around yourself, and tried to sleep away the thoughts.

A few days later, you were hanging out in Izuku’s room. You both had the day off and chose to spend the day together. Izuku had just gotten out of the shower and flopped down on his bed when you walked into the room. Your movements were quick and it startled the boy.

“Are you alright, Y/N?”

You huffed, blowing hair from your eyes as you turned to your boyfriend. You began to pace as you answered, “I’m fine. Just frustrated.”

“Why?” Izuku sat up, all of his attention on you as you began to ramble.

“I was playing Minecraft with (best friend), you know, my friend from middle school, and we had cheats on to keep inventory. We decided I could use commands to find the location of the nearest stronghold, which was 1071 blocks away.” You went on to explain how you spent an hour and a half mining to the strong hold just for it to be a staircase and 1 room. No hallways, no portal room.

The more in detail you got in your little rant, the more you began thinking that Deku would rather talk about something else, or how this is just an inconvenience for him. As you neared the end of your tale you spoke slower and a lot quieter. “Sorry. You probably didn’t want to hear all of that.”

Izuku laughed gently, shaking his head. “I don’t mind Y/N. I love hearing your rants.” He stood up and pulled you into a hug, resting his chin on your head with a smile. “Now what do you want to do today?”

As time passed you couldn’t help but feel like you were bothering Izuku. When deciding what to eat for lunch, Izuku insisted he’d make whatever you wanted since you were much more of a picky eater than he was. You felt bad, because you knew he didn’t particularly like what you were craving at the moment. And then you felt bad because he was cooking for you.

“No, Izu, I can make lunch myself,” you smiled slightly. “I know you don’t really like (favorite food).”

“I’ll cook whatever you want me to,” he smiled back. “Really, it’s no bother.”

When the two of you went to train later in the afternoon, you finally met your breaking point. You felt so bad for Izuku. In your mind, he had to deal with you and put you before himself. You had to start training on what you needed to work on, and breaks had to be taken whenever you were feeling weary. Every time you asked Midoriya if he needed a break because he was looking worn down, he’d deny it and keep training.

During one of your breaks, you fell to the ground and let the coolness of the floor cool you off. You had finished off your water bottle on the last break, so you had nothing to drink for the moment.

“Y/N, I’m going to go get a snack, would you like anything?” your boyfriend asked, looking down to you on the floor.

“Yeah, can I have some water? I drank all of mine.” The second the words left your mouth, you regretted them. You didn’t want to annoy Izuku more than you thought you already had. “Actually, I’m sorry. I can get it myself.” You pushed yourself up on your feet, swaying slightly.

Izuku placed a hand on your shoulder to steady you, frowning. “Hey, no, don’t be sorry. I can get it. You need to rest for a moment.”

You shook your head, tears brimming your eyes. And then you cried, covering your face with your hands.

Your sudden outburst startled Izuku, and his arms immediately wrapped around you in a tight hug. “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you overworked? Did I do something?”

You took a moment to cry into your boyfriend’s chest, gripping his sweaty shirt. It took a while, but your sobs finally died down to soft whimpers and you were able to speak again. “I feel so bad for annoying you,” you sniffled. “I”ve been bothering you a lot recently. I’m just afraid you’re going to have enough of it and break up with me because I’m too clingy. I--”

Izuku cuts you off, hugging you tighter. “Baby, you aren’t bothering me. You don’t annoy me. You aren’t clingy, Y/N.” He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and sighed. “I figured something was going on. You’ve been apologizing a lot more. I was worried about you. But I’m glad you’ve told me what’s going on.” He gently pushed you to sit down on the bench behind you, then wiped the tears from your eyes with his thumb. “I’m going to get you some water and a snack. Then we’ll head back to the dorms. We’re going to spend the rest of the evening talking through this.” He smiled softly. “I want you to feel comfortable, n/n. I love you. I hope you know that.”

Izuku spent the rest of the night helping you work through your feelings. He reassured you that you were never a bother to him and that he would do anything for you. He ordered your favorite take-out, put on your favorite tv show, and cuddled you in his bed. Deku hated that you felt this way, and he promised to work with you on your self-esteem around him.

[theworldoffostering]

So much snow. And cold. And sadness.

It’s NB’s birthday this week. He will be FIVE! Can we please take a moment to reflect on his birth? His mom called me at 5am and told me she was in the ER at a hospital nearly an hour away from me, asking me to come meet her. I did. Upon arrival, the OBGYN came into the room and said she was going to have the baby now and gave me a gown so I could head back into the OR and watch the c-section. Never in my life did I imagine that would be how I was spending my morning/day. NB was born and I sat with him until the ambulance came to transfer him to a larger hospital with a NICU. NB was about six weeks early, and born addicted, but was mostly a feeder and grower. His NICU experience was fairly bland except it happened 71 miles away from us during the polar vortex. We commuted daily and spent many nights there despite DH and I both working full-time.

NB was born the day before Ms. 6’s adoption. I sent her an email today asking if she was ready to talk. I don’t think she is, but wanted to put the ball into her court and let her know that we were. She’s requesting contact with NB, but no one else, and we have refused. It’s so weird to me. In her biological home, Ms. 6 was very much the favorite, and Ms. 6 now has made NB her favorite, and frankly that is a major benefit of her no longer being here—we no longer have to choose to manage that dynamic. But I’m also still sad over all of the loss. (For sure I am also relieved.) It’s confusing and complicated.

DH’s family situation continues to be challenging. His sister’s situation is worse than we had initially known, and his mom’s cancer is potentially back. She’ll find out for sure this week. How do you handle death of a parent when the parent hates you and is actively trying to destroy your marriage? I feel bad for DH, and also clueless as to how to make anything easier/better in this situation.

I also saw DD last week. She came over to pick up some Christmas gifts that my mom had sent for her. About 90% of what she said during her visit were straight up lies. I’m sad, frustrated, disappointed. Is this part of the disease, or is this just who she is?

I don’t know you guys, I am sort of just asking myself, “What is the point?” Like what was the point of doing all of the work to get Ms. 6? We are completely isolated in our own community due to it, and she has rained down so much pain and trauma on our family/other kids. What was the point? She got out of a residential setting, was safe here, experienced life, went on vacations, and acquired the skills to graduate high school (she’s done—she just finished in December). Was that the point? Is that enough to justify all of the harm done to the people left standing?

DD left an orphanage in Eastern Europe, and I think it probably (not trying to be dramatic) saved her life. As a person with cerebral palsy, I’m not sure how many years she would have made it in the orphanage, and aging out would probably mean being on the streets. It was such a miracle that she got out of Eastern Europe when she did (truly), that I always felt like she was destined for great things. And by great, I mean typical adulting like having a job, being in a stable relationship, etc. That’s not what’s happening, and I’m crushed by the loss of that dream, and feeling like I am losing hope for her future to be more than what it currently is. It could probably be worse, but not having an authentic relationship with her is particularly painful to me as she’s my first child and for many years, it was just she and I. We were a family and I felt so connected to her. Having the relationship we have now feels to me like an accute loss. So again, what’s the point is the question that keeps rearing up for me.

It’s weird to be a foster parent for so long, be entirely dedicated to it with your whole self, and then be left wondering, “Does it even matter?”

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen,

I hope this finds you well. I’m sixteen and I’m seeking advice. I am mostly feminine, but in the last year I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with that, which has given me a sense of whiplash. I’ll be perfectly fine wearing a skirt and revealing top one moment, and then feel like I want to jump out of my skin the next. I know it’s normal to not have all the answers at my age, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

I live in a progressive city and was raised in a relatively accepting home, but I still struggle with my identity and have a hard time feeling comfortable with the word “gay.” I’m out to a few friends (some straight and some LGBT), but I still feel so alone. This, of course, makes me feel awful, because I recognize what a privileged situation I am in compared to a lot of lesbians, and I feel as though I “should” be more accepting of myself, i.e. I end up feeling guilty because I feel bad. Plus I’m all jumbled up about masculinity vs feminity… the point is, I could really use some advice from an older lesbian. I don’t know any of those in real life (actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure that I know *any* lesbians at all in my personal life, which is pretty sad), and that makes it hard to envision any type of future for myself.

Thank you for your thoughts <3

It always makes me sad to read that young lesbians don't know any older ones in real life because I remember how isolating that felt. It was definitely one of the reasons I struggled so hard to be even just neutral about my sexuality and why I misunderstood being butch for so many years.

The butch/femme and masc/feminine discourse has gotten a bit out of control in large part due to the internet and social media. If you don't have real life intergenerational connections it can feel like ALL lesbians are on one side or the other of a very black and white line and that is just not the reality of real life.

I would say the majority of lesbians are "garden variety" or in the "comfy" zone of neither butch nor femme or neither masc or feminine. Just women who are lesbians and exist on the human level of having characteristics that are both stereotypical and non stereotypical as far as what culture assigns to us based on sex. Even butches and femmes do no necessarily check all the “boxes” the world thinks we should. 

My lesbians friends who are not butch or femme are comfortable in a wide range of clothing and hair cuts and it just depends on what suits them at the moment. Once we get a little experience under our belts out in the world we seem to learn to wear what is both comfortable and utilitarian without worrying about the perception of the outside world. When it comes to dressing up for an occasion like a date or an event I wear what makes ME feel best and while still balancing that with what I think women might find me attractive in.  I think it is a normal, common thought process shared with most other humans. We can choose what makes us feel good and still want to look good for others, especially other women. 

 I can assure you that, all jokes aside, no one can take your lesbian card for clothing choices, hair cuts or any other aesthetics. Your sexual orientation is what makes you a lesbian. Everything else is just being human.  Don’t mistake the community or experiences you might share (or not share) with other lesbians as a requirement of your lesbianism. Those are perks but not necessary. 

If you were sitting in your lawn chair by a fire pit with a variety of other lesbians you would hear many stories about how we struggled with being okay with our sexual orientation and it is not necessarily dependent on any support or lack thereof that we received. While an aggressively negative or anti homosexual home life, family or religious background can certainly make accepting ourselves much harder, even those of us whose family and friends were neutral or supportive had internal obstacles to overcome. 

Few humans are free from the affects of the outside world, even before social media. In my youth, movies, tv, magazine and my peer group all had some backwards ideas about what being a lesbian is and applied incorrect moral ideals to it.   I had to put in the work myself for many years to come to terms with being same sex attracted in a world that attached negativity to such relationships. Once I had lesbian friends, especially older ones I saw hope in my future. 

You are okay just as you are. Your personality, aesthetic choices and hobbies do not have any affect on your sexual attraction and orientation so be you, enjoy what you like and be honest with yourself about what kind of woman you want to love and be loved by. 

I hope you find some lesbian friends of many ages. In the meantime my tiktok might help you see that lesbian life can be full of happiness, friendships and variety. 

[darkeralmond]

IT’S NOT A DATE

TREVOR ZEGRAS X OC

october series

synopsis: hayden and mal meet up with trevor and jamie for a “casual hang out” and not a date

warnings: none

word count: 4.2k

I planned on using today all the way up until Sunday as the ’Calm before the Storm’ period — the storm being writing 10 original songs as a band. When we got home from our meeting with Aubrey, I went straight to my room and changed into more comfortable clothes so I could take a nap. An oversized tourist sweatshirt from a gift shop I got while we were in New York for our tour and some boxer shorts I found at Target a couple of years ago. I buried myself under my comforter and shut my eyes, letting in a long relaxing inhale.

Finally, I thought, I long awaited na—

My phone began to ring and vibrate against the nightstand next to my bed. I let out a long groan, not in the mood to talk to anyone. Mal, if it’s you I’m going to kill y—

It was Trevor.

My frustration melted into a weird excitement. Maybe I could postpone my nap to talk to him for a minute. I answered the call and said, “Hello?”

“Hey, Hay,” he then snickered, “Get it? ‘Hey,’ and I call you ‘Hay’ because your name’s Hayden.”

It was so corny and random, that I let out a small giggle. “Yes, Trevor. I get it.” I lay flat on my back, resting my head on my pillow. “What’re you calling for?”

“To check up on you,” he answered. “Why? Do you not appreciate my calls?”

I laughed a bit, “No! People just normally text, y’know?”

Trevor scoffed, “Well, I wanted to hear your voice.” I felt my cheeks redden as a simpered smile swept across my face. He had a way with words, or maybe it was his confidence. Whatever it was, it was working to charm me. “So, how was your day?”

Part of me didn’t really want to share the stress I was about to be under whenever I had to start the writing process, but there was something so alluring about him that made my thoughts pour right out of my mouth. “Well, I went down to Hillister to talk to Aubrey with the band,” I started. “Turns out she wants a new album and, of course, I naively insisted on writing our own music.” I could hear him laugh on the other line, causing me to laugh as well. “I thought it was a good idea at the time!”

“I think that’s a good thing, Hayden.” His words were so reassuring, it made me feel comforted even while I was in my own bed just talking to him on the phone. I met this man yesterday, well *re-*met, and I already feel a deep connection to him. I couldn’t tell whether it was a bad thing or a good thing. “Maybe the park can give you some inspiration tomorrow.”

I rolled my eyes and let out a small laugh, “God, no! I don’t wanna focus on any writing tomorrow.” I wanted to enjoy my time hanging out with Trevor, Mal, and Jamie tomorrow, not worrying about what words rhyme with that. “Plus, I don’t think you want to see my method of songwriting.”

Trevor chuckled, “I could help.” I erupted into a fit of laughter which led him to laugh along with me. “No! Hear me out!” When he grew quiet, I assumed he was coming up with something stupid in his head. “Something about Pearson Park staring at a crushed-up leave,” he said, though he spoke with a flat tone I could tell he was smiling. “What rhymes with leaves?”

“Wishing that you didn’t leave?” I suggested.

“You just rhymed leave with leave,” he laughed. ”It’s harder than you think, Trevor!” I covered my eyes with my hand as I laughed. “I don’t want to dread over lyrics anymore. How was your day?”

“Meh,” he answered, “I had practice today and I kind of just went to the bar with a couple of teammates.” I nodded my head while listening to what he said, chiming in with ’mhm’ occasionally. “I’ve just been waiting for tomorrow all week. It was fun hanging out with you after the game a couple of nights ago.”

I felt the butterflies swarm my stomach hearing how much reuniting with me meant to him. I wanted to squeal, but instead, I attempted to keep my voice steady as I answered him, “Yeah. I’m excited for Sunday too.” My voice still couldn’t hide the fat smile stretched across my face.

“Oh, shit,” Trevor said as I heard the sound of buzzing from his end of the phone. “I have to take this call, but I’ll call you sometime tomorrow, alright?”

It caught me off guard at the sudden shift of tone, but I brushed it off. “Yeah, of course,” I said. That sounded too enthusiastic for my liking, but I had already talked. “Bye, Trevor.”

“Bye, Hayden.” The line disconnected. I pulled the phone away from my ear and placed it back on the nightstand where it rested originally. How was I supposed to fall asleep now after Trevor gave me that schoolgirl crush thrill? Maybe I could try and shut my eyes for a bit and pray that I’ll fall asleep, but as soon as I did that, I groaned again.

I forgot to tell Mal.

I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, I was in a warm cozy cocoon made of various blankets and stuffed animals. “Mal!” I screamed, trying my best to catch her attention. “Come in here!” My throat strained from how loud I yelled, but how else would she have heard me?

My door opened shortly after and there crept in Mal who looked as if she had just gotten called into the principal’s office. I was too tired to interrogate her about whatever she may have done to warrant me possibly being angry with her. “You're coming with me to Pearson Park Sunday,” I said as more of a demand than a request. I had already told Trevor that she had agreed and I hadn’t even run it through her yet.

Mal’s shitting bricks expression shifted to a look of annoyance in an instant. “But I planned on binging Criminal Minds all day with Alex all day,” she whined.

I knew that the next to come out of my mouth would cause a reaction, excitement I assumed. “Trevor invited me to hang out with him at Pearson Park Sunday with Jamie and I thought you—”

“JAMIE DRYSDALE?!” she shrieked, causing my ears to ring more than they did after being in a packed arena Tuesday night. I nodded my head, too scared to verbally answer her. “HAYDEN ARE YOU SERIOUS??! I WOULD LOVE TO COME!” Seeing the frightened look on my face due to her excessive screaming and jumping around my room, she took a couple of deep breaths as she gave me a more sophisticated answer. “As your friend, it’s my duty to accompany you while meeting two men you don’t know.” When I gave her a thumbs up in response, she again squealed and rushed over to the bed.

She pounced on me and tackled me with a hug, causing me to let out a wheeze in pain. “Please, calm down!” I begged her as she got off of me and made her way to leave my room.

“I love you, Hayden! You don’t know how much this means to me!” She then skipped out of my room, singing with joy as she shut the door behind her. I was very well aware of how much this meant to her, but I wasn’t aware of how much it meant to her and how she would react.

Finally, I could try to get some sleep if I ignored Maliyah’s muffled yells through the walls as she explained to Weston or Alex about her excitement.

🎶

In the days leading up to Mal’s official meet-up with Jamie and Trevor, she didn’t stop talking about it. There were a variety of topics she would talk about that somehow led back to Sunday. “Do you like this top?” Mal asked after breaking into my room, holding up a sage green halter top.

I was on the phone with Trevor when she came into the room, so I said, “Hang on, Trev.” I didn’t bother muting myself since I didn’t care if he heard our conversation, it was just about a shirt after all. “I think it’s cute.”

“Okay, good because I was thinking about wearing it Sunday,” she said with a smile on her face. “Do you know what you’re wearing yet?”

I shrugged my shoulders and answered, “Just something casual.”

Mal’s vacant hand rested on her hip as she slightly popped it out. “You can’t just dress casual for your date,” she huffed.

“She’s right,” Trevor agreed. I forgot that I had placed him on speaker mode, so Mal was able to hear him loud and clear. “You can’t dress casually on our date.”

My cheeks immediately flushed with embarrassment, Mal’s hand flying over her mouth as she mouthed ’I’m so sorry!’ I completely ignored her and just responded to Trevor instead, “Trevor, you didn’t say it was a date,” I said in an obviously sarcastic tone.

“We can easily change that if you like,” he offered. My eyes just about popped out of my head as my cheeks became hotter than I thought they humanly could. Mal squealed for me and rushed out of my room. I just dismissed it with a laugh, not saying yes or no since I wasn’t opposed to the idea.

Mal settled on the halter top with a pair of black bell-bottom jeans. She had her hair up into a clip that was similar to the green halter and tied it together with a pair of black Converses. Even though I knew Mal was partially joking when she said ’I shouldn’t dress casually for my date’ and possibly so was Trevor, they were right. I needed to dress better than just sweatpants and a hoodie.

I had landed on a black lacy mid-drift tank top, a jean miniskirt, and a maroon zip-up hoodie. I paired it with a pair of ruffly socks and Mary Janes. It was warmer than I thought it would be, but my outfit still fit the autumn weather aesthetic.

Trevor had let me know that he and Jamie were waiting by the tennis courts — located on the other side of the park from our current location. Though it was annoying to walk that far in a pair of Dr. Martens, it gave Mal some time to take in the reality of her situation. She was now absolutely freaked out, launching into a full panic. “What if they think I’m annoying, Hayden? What if I talk too much? What if I don’t talk enough for their liking?” The nerves oozed out of her pores as she rambled.

Hearing her go on and on about the ’What ifs was starting to affect me. “Mal,” I finally cut her off, “you need to relax. If Trevor is able to put up with me, then he’ll possibly be able to deal with you.” She gasped, a smile breaking through before she playfully hit me in the arm. I giggled in response, shoving her away. “In all seriousness! They’re going to like you and if they don’t, then I’ll stop seeing Trevor.”

Mal’s arms crossed her chest while she rolled her eyes. “I highly doubt that,” she replied.

“No, it’s not,” I answered. “Bros before hoes.”

A snicker broke through as her nose crinkled. “I never want you to say that again.”

All I could reply with was, “Fair.”

After what felt like a mile, I could finally see the tennis courts. Relief washed over my body even more than when Mal stopped her nervous rambles. When we got closer, I could see Trevor and Jamie sitting on a bench by the entrance gate talking to each other. They were too lost in their conversation to even notice our silhouettes in the distance.

I yelled out to him, “Trevor!” His head perked up as his head spun in my direction. Jamie’s attention also shifted to us, a faint grin appearing on his own face.

They both got up from the bench and made their way toward us, Trevor leading the way. He greeted me with a hug and said, “Hi, Hayden.” He held me for a couple of seconds before letting go and turning to Maliyah. “Hey, Mal. I’ve heard a lot of things about you. Good things of course!” Instead of holding out his hand to shake, he gave her a one-armed hug.

She was grinning from ear to ear as she responded, “I’ve heard good things about you too. Many good things.” She glanced over at me and gave me a wink. She let go of him and turned to Jamie, who stood with his hands in his pockets. “Hi, I’m Maliyah! It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jamie!”

He expressed a shy smile as he sheepishly held out his hand. “Also nice to meet you.” He looked over at me and greeted me with a nod. “Hi, Hayden.”

“Hi,” I gave him a small wave.

“Trevor never shuts up about you around the house,” he teased the other.

My heart skipped a beat as I glanced up at Trevor, who was blushing. “You guys live together?” I shifted the topic so I could learn more about Jamie. I also didn’t want Trevor to grow gradually more embarrassed.

“Oh, yeah!” Trevor answered. “We live in a condo with our other teammate, Leo.”

The small talk continued for a couple of minutes until we all agreed that standing around outside of the tennis court wasn’t the ideal lounging spot. “Alright, guys! As much as I love hanging around this vacant tennis court, I’m sure there are other things we can do,” he joked, following the comment with a small chuckle. “Where should we go?”

Trevor’s eyes landed on me which somehow led the other two to follow suit. I was the worst at making decisions which is why I was a little aggravated. “Let’s see…” My voice trailed off and I let out a thoughtful hum. There was everything nearby, and I couldn’t even come up with a single place. “I used to work by that Starbucks down the street. Y’know, the one on North?”

Jamie nodded, “Yeah. I’m down for that.”

Trevor then nodded his head as well. “Alright, we could probably walk there. It’s not too far, right?”

I plastered a fake smile on my face and replied, “Not at all.” The walk from our parking spot to the tennis courts was further than the walk to Starbucks, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that my Mary Janes would make the walk feel even longer than it was because my feet would be in agonizing pain. I should’ve worn my Converse instead.

I hid my pain as we walked down the sidewalk, occasionally crushing dead leaves that fell from the park trees. We turned onto the sidewalk next to the main road and joined the other pedestrians. We weren’t being recognized, which made me feel like I had my old life again. It was kind of a relief.

We walked in pairs, Mal and Jamie in the front and Trevor and I behind them. During Trevor and I’s comfortable silence, I listened in on Mal and Jamie’s conversation about hockey and her essentially fangirling. “My dad was a big Ducks fan when I was growing up, but I’m pretty sure every dad is here in Anaheim,” Mal joked with him.

Jamie laughed and looked down at her, “Yeah. That and teenage girls on TikTok. The number of edits I’ve seen of myself to ’Agora Hills’ by Doja Cat on my feed is insane. I didn’t know I was popular like that.” For being an NHL player, he was really humble.

“Are you kidding? You’re my favorite defenseman!” Mal beamed at him, causing a shy smile to form on his face as his cheeks tinted a faint pink color. It was cute. Mal’s worries had clearly dissolved into nothing as her bubbly personality took control.

I looked back up at Trevor, who also watched the interaction between the two in front of us. He noticed that I had focused my attention back on him and met my gaze, flashing me a smile. “I’m really glad you agreed to come,” he said.

“So am I,” I replied. “I would’ve been crazy to say no. You’re irresistible.” He reminded me of a puppy. It didn’t matter what they did, they still made your heart melt with their glittery eyes.

Trevor’s eyes were definitely my kryptonite, his smile being a close runner-up. There was a momentary staring contest between us until he broke the silence as he said, “Oh! You wanna see the pic of us from that first gig?”

He really kept the picture after all this time? How was one able to not fall head over heels for him? “Duh!” He whipped his phone out of his pocket and typed in the passcode, aggressively scrolling through the pictures on his phone.

It wasn’t until he had his arm up I noticed the tattoos. I didn’t see it when we first hung out since he was wearing a long sleeve shirt and he never really talked about them. “I really like your tattoos,” I complimented him. ’I really like your tattoos’ translated to ’Your tattoos are so attractive and are a major turn-on for me’ in my language.

He glanced away from his phone and checked out his arm, looking over the tattoos. “Thanks! They’re my most prized possession other than my massive arms.” I shook my head as I rolled my eyes, a giggle falling from my lips. He wasn’t wrong though, his arms were like cannons. He went back to his phone and continued on his hunt, his eyes squinted before his face lit up. “There it is!” I adverted my gaze from his biceps back up to his face.

He handed me the phone with the selfie of us on his screen. In the picture. Trevor had his arm around me as I held up the peace sign. All this time, I had relied on my memory to remember what he looked like when I first saw his interview. Seeing it here in person, the differences between him then and now were massive.

In this picture, he had a haircut similar to a little boy’s and just had such a young look to him. Trevor now, on the other hand, looked more like a man. He was far more filled out and had grown his hair out longer. I could even see some hair growing on his chin.

My mouth popped wide open when I finally got to my old self. “Oh my God!” I gasped as I zoomed in close to my face, disgusted by the makeup that caked onto my face. I wore rose pink blush on my face which made me look like a clown, crooked thick eyeliner, an eyebrow slit on my right eyebrow. “I look awful in that!” I then looked at my hair, still it’s natural brown color, which had choppy layers and patchy blonde highlights. I didn’t know how to feel knowing that he was attractive to me when I looked like that.

“Don’t say that,” he said as he took the phone from my hands. “You just look different than you do now. Though I will say the blonde is much prettier, not like you weren’t before.”

“Trevor!” I squealed. “Stop, you’re actually making me blush.” I couldn’t maintain eye contact with him any longer. My hand flew over my mouth as I turned my head away. I saw the Starbucks logo in the distance and pointed. “We’re here!”

We went inside the Starbucks and looked around the establishment. The nostalgia washed over me like a wave as I took in every square inch of the place. Sometimes I missed working here and joking around with Alex, spraying whipped cream into each other's mouths when we had opening shifts together.

The place wasn’t usually busy on Sunday afternoons. The only people who occupied the tables were college and high school students studying silently on their laptops, middle schoolers gossiping in the corners, and elders either in groups or enjoying their own presence.

Trevor looked down at me and asked, “What do you want, Hayden? It’s on me.”

A hand flew over my heart as I pouted at him. “Really?” He nodded his head, pulling out his wallet. “I want a Venti Pumpkin chair cold foam with 3 pumps of caramel.”

He smiled brightly as he nodded his head once. “Alright! Anything you want, Mal?”

She looked back at Trevor and shook her head. “No, Jamie’s already got me covered.” The boys got in line while Mal and I found ourselves a patio seat. “Trevor is flirting so hard! You two are adorable!” ”Oh, stop it.” A smile crept onto my face as I adverted my eyes away from her. Her squeals filled up the air as she sat across me at the table. “Seems like you and Jamie are getting along.”

She nodded her head and said, “Yeah! He’s really sweet, but I don’t know. I think of him more as a friend and I think he does too.”

“Valid,” I said nodding my head. I did consider this an opening for me to interrogate Mal on her love life as she did mine. “Is there anyone that’s sparked your interest?” I asked as I scooted closer to the table, leaning slightly forward.

She shrugged her shoulders and sighed, “Not really. I mean there are a lot of people who have slid into my Insta DMs. Did I ever tell you JoJo Siwa slid into my DMs?”

My mouth gaped open, “Uh, no! When?!”

“During June,” she answered while giggling. “It was after I posted the pics of us at the LA Pride parade during tour. She was like ’Can I shoot my shot with you?’ and I was like ’Sadly no’. Left me on read after that.” I let out a loud pig-like snort before throwing my hand over my mouth, shocked by the sound. Mal erupted into laughter after this, also covering her mouth. Mal and I bicker a lot like sisters, but we also share wholesome moments like this like sisters. We loved each other like sisters after all. I couldn’t ask for a better girl best friend.

Mal glanced back behind me and she pulled her hand away. I looked back and saw Trevor and Jamie with both our drinks. I straightened my posture and looked back ahead at Mal. Trevor sat down next to me and placed the drink in front of me. “Here’s your pumpkin chai cold brew.”

I took the drink from him and held it up. “Thank you, Trevor!” He clanked his cup against mine and took a sip. “What did you get?” I asked.

“Oh, just a Venti hot cocoa. I’m a child at heart,” he said as he put a hand over his heart. I nodded my head as I took a sip of my own drink. Happiness filled my body as the cold brew hit my bloodline. Trevor put his drink on the table and glanced at Mal then back at me. “So, Jamie and I were talking and we wanted to know if you guys wanted to come to this Halloween party on the 22nd. Chase wanted me to invite the entire band since he’s a huge fan.”

“Chase?” My eyebrows furrowed as I glanced over at Mal, hoping she would be familiar with the name. She also had a puzzled expression on her face.

“Chase Hudson,” Trevor reiterated. Chase Hudson?! As in Lil Huddy?!

“Really?!” Mal asked, reciprocating the same bug-eyed expression as me.

Jamie nodded, “Yeah! When he found out that Trevor was talking to Hayden, he immediately gave him 4 extra tickets for you guys.”

Mal and I met each other’s gaze, the shock turning into us breaking out into smiles. “What do you say? You down?” Trevor asked, bringing the cup to his lips.

“Yes!” Mal and I answered in sync.

Mal then waved her hands around. “Wait a minute! You told Chase that you and Hayden are talking?” A smile crept onto her face.

“I mean, yeah. Is that not the right term?” he asked, looking back down at me.

Oh shit. “Uh, yeah. I guess it is,” I answered, giving him a sheepish smile.

Trevor expressed the same smile back to me. “Okay,” he said, taking my hand in his. “Good.”

[haechanhues]

KPOP FIC RECS

So I recently (like a couple of months ago) read Bowie’s Books by John O’Connell which is a series of essays exploring David Bowie’s list of 100 Books that transformed his life and I thought it was a way to make my own. These are all fics (in some way or another) that have been memorable in many different ways and I hope to share them with you all.

This is also a full on sap train so I thought you should be ready. I’m also weirdly nervous since this feels kind of vulnerable and makes me shy. but haiii

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE

1. @hyuckiebabie - Bad Intentions | NCT (discontinued) 

Of course, I have to start with this. I have to. I’ve also just learnt that author-nim has since left tumblr. But the writing was beautiful and the connection that Haechan and the MC had with each other was absolutely alluring. God I felt things I have never felt before. This was quite awhile ago and I’m kind of sad I can’t reread it to boost my memory a bit more but I was super excited for every update. But aww I wish you could all read it even though it was discontinued, it still remains very memorable for me. 

2.  @beom1e​ - Love Is Not Easy | TXT (completed)

The fic that made me obsess over TXT fics for a very large portion of the year. I read it again and it’s so chaotic and erratic in the best way. I love these boys with all my heart and it was so fun to be able to read it and connect to it. There were different endings that were all really fun. The very first time I was a very big Yeonjun supporter but nowadays I feel a more Beomgyu lean. Hmm, I don’t know. So many options. Can’t forget about Soobin either. The best kind of crossroad ever. 

3. @dovechim - That’s Okay That’s Love | BTS (ongoing)

No because I’m frustrated my original comments about this didn’t save. I remember reading this and it was the first time I had read something involving mental health so blatantly and it just felt oddly satisfying. What I liked the most about this fic however was the way that every character was interwoven within the story without the sole purpose of their existence to be a ‘friend’ to the main character and give advice and put some sense into them nor to invoke drama. I liked that they each have their own story and plot and it’s so majestically done that I always have to applaud this story for it.

4. @jayflrt - The A List | ENHYPEN (one-shot) 

Ahhh yes, I finally get to talk about this. This was one of the first ENHYPEN fics I read and it definitely helped me stan them to the level I did. I love the ....friendship between the MC and Jay. I love the taste of the whole fic in general - the rich people shit and the drama and the need to just not be made into a total loser by an anonymous source. I’m not even being dramatic but this fic has a taste and it’s absolutely fucking wonderful I’m salivating. 

5. @fantasybangtan​ - Queen Cobra | BTS (ongoing) 

One of my utmost favourite writers on Tumblr and in general. I love this story with all my heart and it made me a total * girl. This fic always manages to have a hook on me in more ways than one and I was so excited to see that a chapter has been updated since I last read it. I hope to god you never stop writing. Ever. Such a talented person and a very special one at that. I sound a bit like teachers comments in student reports and I’m sorry. But I hope you feel how sincere I am in my recommendations to read this fic. You have to. Absolute art. 

6.  @caramellohigh - Not Such A Good Boy | THE BOYZ (ongoing) 

This is my favourite depiction of Juyeon, like ever. I remember seeing three times before I actually read it. First it popped up in my dash just randomly, then it was recommended (not specifically to me) but I had been wanting to read a few fics. I thank whatever higher power exists for this fic. I can’t explain myself but like it’s so good. I love the whole golden sweet nice sunshine boy being this person who isn’t actually all that sunny and saintly trope. I don’t know the proper name for it but I loved this. I can’t wait for more chapters such an exciting fic, I couldn’t put this fic down for the life of me. I had a lot to do today but I didn’t do it because I was reading this hahaha best decision ever. 

7. @theluckyyyoneee​ - Antipode | EXO (completed) 

OH MY GOD I JUST SAW THERE’S AN UPDATED CHAPTER, I’M GOING TO READ IT NOW. Okay okay I’m going back to writing normally so I don’t look like an idiot, but I love this fic with all my heart. So so warm. I love that Chanyeol is just a literal puppy throughout the fic. God I hope to see this couple again. In any way. I’ll take it. I remember I first read this when Chanyeol went to the military and reading the final chapter when he’s back literally feels like all is right with the world. I adore this couple. And with the risk of sounding cheesy as hell, this story smells of pine and appears like Christmas lights in the night and I think that’s the cutest fucking thing. 

8. @jungblue - Future Hearts | BTS (ongoing) 

I’ll be honest, before I came to Tumblr I always ignored recommendations for fan fics - simply because I had different tastes to the person giving the recs (they were a bit too much for me) and I just liked that fan fics were just my terrain to freely explore the fics available without in some form being attached to someone else (i was going through some shit obviously). Then this fic showed up and I took a chance on it. Best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I fell in love with writing all over again. I thought of colours differently. Everything. was just so different. I was super invested in the story. I would say it became so definitive of the person I was at eighteen, when life started changing. So thank you author-nim. From your forever fan <3 I hope all is well with you, you deserve the whole world y’know. 

9. @sankyeom - Break Your Rules | THE BOYZ (completed)  

Okay okay so, I love Sunwoo with my whole heart and one of my favourite tropes is brother’s best friend (disclaimer : it reflects to my life in no shape, way or form but we love a good ol’ forbidden love without the death involved) I first read this on my other account and it’s always one I seek out if I want a little thrill and a happy ending. Also the side characters are so fucking funny, I loved reading them. This fic is the treat your aunty tells you she shouldn’t be giving you but does anyway and you love her with your whole heart. So wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. 

10. @chittapornswife​ - DYNL Club | NCT (ongoing) 

A fic I’m forever fond of, I think. I always used to read this whenever I would go to class and it would keep me from having panic attacks. It would always leave me feeling fluffy and energised enough to get through an hour (or longer) class (and it wasn’t like the class was terrible, it just made me anxious.) I always link this fic to good things, or at least like it’s a bridge from being less than okay to recovery which is kind of ironic considering the content. It also has Haechan in it, which I’m thankful for. This story helped build my love for him in a way, I think. I’m truly grateful. 

11. @desayunho​ - Time Of Love | ATEEZ (completed) 

Oh my god it was a struggle deciding what fic to use but I decided on this one. It’s so beautiful. Oh my god I loved it. I read ‘Lovefool’ before this one and just knew that I had to hop on this train too. Lovefool blew me away and I knew it would happen with this one too. Absolutely after my own heart. I’m not one for poly fics (not against them either, I just don’t normally read them) but AHHH I’m screaming. The dynamic. The everything. This fic is everything. Thank you and good night. I love San and Wooyoung and ATEEZ AND author-nim, a special place in my heart is reserved for you and your artistry. 

12. @ballelino - Wedding Season | STRAY KIDS (completed) 

With the risk of sounding absolutely delusional, this fic helped me well and truly realise that I am never ever going to move on from Lee Minho. Like ever. The fic left me feeling very vulnerable but well protected? I don’t know how to form words but...  Everything was just perfect. Truly a foundation. It’s a fic I want to read for the first time again for the feelings I felt and the sensations I was going through. Truly a magical ride. I’m not even being sappy - this is me being totally brutally honest. I loved it for lack of better words. You know that question that goes ‘If the words ‘I love you’ didn’t exist what would you use?’...This fic. That’s it. My new love language. 

13. @thepixelelf - Hood | THE BOYZ (completed) 

This was well and truly a rollercoaster.. god I could remember it. I was on the edge of my seat every update. I loved the whole friendship and the back and forth. Ever since that first chapter it has been a favourite of mine and has remained one of my favourites since then. Also it was literally a year spent together with a fic and I don’t know why but this makes me feel more attached and feel more love for this fic even more. It’s beautiful and it’s literally like cuddling a teddy bear. I don’t know how else to describe it. If I could hug any fic it would be this one. Cause it deserves everyone’s high praises and I want someone to experience reading this fic to experience it and just tell me what they thought and we can go nuts over it. 

14. @seokjinsdisciple - Who’s Your Daddy | ATEEZ (ongoing) 

What a rollercoaster of events. These ATEEZ fics (not even just this one) has a special place in my heart but I’m here to talk about this one in particular. It’s so incredibly cute and angsty at the same time. Anything you ask for in a fic, you get it practically. It’s everything. It gives me everything. It gives me life. Seventeen chapters in and I've already tried finding a wizard to turn me into a puddle on the floor because I can’t cope. It’s absolutely brilliant. Ahhhh- also one of the authors to open the new door for me in terms of social media aus. I never thought I’d be into them but I really am and a large part is due to author-nim so thank you for this medium of storytelling and doing such a good job every single time. No misses. 

15. @aspenwritesstuff - Prove Me Wrong | STRAY KIDS (ongoing) 

HOW COULD I NOT INCLUDE THIS. I can’t even remember how I came to read it but I remember reading it and being so hooked the very first chapter. I am also extremely affectionate of you, Aspen. This story and everything about it. I love it. It’s cute and fucking interesting and I’m just so hooked and excited I cannot wait to see how the rest of the story pans out. Like truly amazing. I’m going nuts over just thinking about it. Absolutely wonderful and just truly cute. I don’t know what else to say but it’s so cute. So fucking cute. Ahhhh. Just screaming and yelling and hollering at this point. LIKE YEAH THIS IS ME. THIS IS HOW EXCITED I CAN BE. Can’t wait, Aspen, honestly (take ur time tho <3) 

16. @gyukult​ - We Don’t Usually Hold Hands | SEVENTEEN (one-shot) 

So usually whenever I read Mingyu books I’m used to player Mingyu or sugar daddy esque-Mingyu who’s very cool. I’m not hating it. I still most likely would read it. But I never knew how much I needed a fic where I could actually see Mingyu in it and I think it’s perfect. I fell in love with this fic at first read and I think it’s actually changed the trajectory of my life forever. I’m not even being remotely funny. It really has. I don’t know - I loved the humour, I love just how casual the romance was. Like it felt so natural and just so Mingyu I don’t know what else to say without rambling. I feel like this fic is especially for those who don’t necessarily believe in romantic love, for those who do and in love with the idea of love and just everyone in between. So everyone basically. It’s a necessity. 

17. @kyufiber​ - How To Be A Heartbreaker | THE BOYZ (completed) 

God, I love this fic so much I don’t know what else to tell you. This is an Eric fic but it felt like more than just that. I’m a Sunwoo girl, have been from the very first video I saw of these guys but everyone just-. Let me tell you how PERFECT this fic is. It went exactly the way I wanted it but every update was a blessing and a gift. Like...is this music? No but I’m honestly always starstruck by this fic. I have no way of formulating proper sentences, it’s amazing. It’s so good. It’s so good. It’s honestly- GOD, especially if you’re an Eric person. This is for you. For all of you actually - read it! I’m begging with my whole chest, my whole soul, everything about me that is me - read it. 

18. @starrgaziinggg​ - Friends With Benefits | STRAY KIDS (ongoing) 

I can’t remember exactly remember the 6 W’s of how, where, when I found this fic. But all I remember is that it was a god send during my Minho phase (that is still in fact going, don’t get me wrong). Every new update is so fucking fun for me and definitely has me all up in there. I love this version of Minho. It’s one of my favourites. Absolutely. This fic has been a newfound love of mine and I’ve enjoyed falling in love with it every single chapter and I know that won’t ever change. I’m a bit speechless I don’t know what to say, currently I’m looking at it and I’m so excited to talk about it but all I am right now is a blubbering mess that can’t string two words together to make a single sentence. But I really appreciate this fic and I can’t wait for more updates! <3 

19. @wooyunhwa​ - Kingdom Of Welcome Addiction | ATEEZ (ongoing) 

Although it’s been a couple of years since the last update, I am still going to praise and praise this fic as if it’s my sole purpose in life. I love the way the characters are and how there’s a whole world away from everyone else - as if its just the three of them in this demon vs angel love affair. Don’t even get me started on the writing - it’s so beautiful, detailed and I love how humour is incorporated into it. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. It surprised me so much in such little but significant ways that I think sets apart this fic from others like it. Truly. 

20. @yeow6n - boyfriend!haechan tiktok series | NCT (ongoing) 

Ahhh my current go-to Haechan fic writer. God, I’m in love. Have you ever felt a connection with someone you haven’t talked to or anything but because you share that one thing you’re in it for life? This is it my friends. This. Every fic I’ve read is a love of mine and I’m so excited to write about it. They’re usually short and sharp but incredibly sweet and it just- it makes loving Donghyuck easier. Honestly author-nim came in at the right time and totally swept me off my feet. In love with it. In love with him. Stan author-nim for good Haechan content. Honestly I feel like calling you bestie which is one hundred percent out of character for me so I won’t - but I just want to let you know that the temptation was there and it was a strong one! 

[kitkatsudon]

What made you want to start writing Unbreakable?

(PS I got tumblr for your Gonjo theories lol)

Wow, thank you so much for asking! And first of all let me say that I’m really honoured that you care enough about my theories to make this account 🥺 I need to post more to be honest, but right now a lot of them are caught in a trap of being spoilers for the next important project.

As for why I wanted to write Unbreakable… the short answer is that, as a Yeong stan I was unsatisfied with Taegon, and it annoyed me so much that I felt compelled to write a fic to fix that SKFSLKJFKLJK something where Gon would have to face consequences for how Yeong was mistreated, before eventually they would be able to make each other happy for the rest of their lives. This was… perhaps inspired a little by my own life at the time, where I was in a complicated situation with a straight girl that I liked, a kind of situation where it was almost as if we were together even though we weren’t… and recently she’d got a boyfriend, and I was pretty heartbroken despite having no real reason to be 😅😅 it’s embarrassing looking back, but I connected with Yeong a lot because I saw my situation at the time in how he might have felt about Taegon.

The longer answer is that while that was the initial reason, it quickly became more than that. I have a bad habit of writing the first chapter of a fic without really knowing where it’s going, I just know where I want it to start, and only when that first chapter is done do I really start thinking about “cooler” twists and turns for the story to take. The act of writing the fic itself made me start thinking about Yeong’s family, and wanting to explain the age gap between Yeong/Eunseob and the twins while also trying to explain why Yeong is the way he is. I have a habit of making myself sad while daydreaming about my beloved blorbos, and my general rule of thumb is “ohh this would be awful - let’s write it!”

The surprising thing for me, however, was how as the story progressed… it stopped being a way to vent from Yeong’s point of view, and I started to really identify a lot more with Gon as I was writing. Obviously I was still feeling Yeong as well, but what started off as a way to complain about Gon turned into something where I really wanted to explain his point of view in a way that was sympathetic and understandable. To be honest, I think a lot of this came from my friends at the time telling me that they think I’m autistic, and then me looking at Lee Gon and going “wait a damn minute… why does the research I’ve been doing seem to fit with how I’ve been writing him?” Then I started projecting, and from about chapter 11? 12? onwards I started doing what I’d accidentally been doing before on purpose, and that also became a big driving factor. This is a hill I will die on, and at some point in the next… well, few years, being honest with myself about how fast I’m working now I’m at uni, I do want to make a post on this headcanon for Gon because it’s important to my heart, but I want to finish my detailed rewatch of the show first. TL;DR, halfway through writing I switched sides from being a Yeong defender to a Gon apologist, and then that became a big driving force for the fic.

But mostly… they just live rent-free in my head, and that was the summer after I finished school so I had a lot of free time to write, and I really enjoyed working all my headcanons at the time into a fic that tied up enough loose ends to satisfy me after the show just left me feeling frustrated. Nowadays, Unbreakable is kind of out of date for me honestly - working on another fic with @irregularpeach has created so many more headcanons than I ever could have dreamed up on my own, and now the multiverse is pretty extensive in my mind 😅

I hope you didn’t regret asking me this question - it’s perhaps a mistake to get me talking about my precious blorbos, because I will talk. From my part, thank you for giving me this opportunity to shamelessly witter on about my fic, this really made me smile when I saw it!

[fabuloustrash05]

What is your honest opinion on the TMNT 2012 girls? In my opinion I don't understand a lot of the hate they get and they weren't even horrible or that badly writen. Yeah there were flaws in their writing but so did the other male characters have it as well.

I love all the girls! Some more than others. They all have their good qualities and I will admit even my favorites have flaws, but I blame the writer's more than the characters themselves.

This took awhile to put together and get my honest thoughts through, but here it is! Here’s my opinion of the TMNT 2012 Girls: April, Karai, Irma, Renet, Mona Lisa, Shinigami and Alopex!

April O'Neil

My opinion of April has changed throughout the years. As a kid first watching the series I felt indifferent towards her (I didn’t hate her but I also didn’t like her), then when the series was over I grew salty and began to hate her on rewatch. I became a toxic person because of my hatred for 2012 April, but lately I’ve grown to like her and appreciate her for the good things she’s done. I’m proud of her for how far she’s come in her ninja training. I think most of that change came from how ridiculously hated she is in the fandom when honestly she doesn’t deserve that hate. She's not the best or the perfect character, but some people make it their religion to hate on her and it's pathetic. I realized how toxic 2012 April haters are and I wanted to distance myself from that and I began to chat with 2012 April fans and things got better for me and my opinion of her change to something more positive.

My biggest problem with April still to this day is her relationship with Donnie and how it was handled. I disagree when people say she was manipulative towards Donnie and Casey cause honestly I can understand that she feels uncomfortable and awkward in this situation these boys put her in and is conflicted on how she should handle it, because in the end she is only a 16 year old girl and both Donnie and Casey are still her friends that she cares about. Now her kissing Donnie at the farmhouse, I was mad at her for, but that was a dumb decision on the writer's end. That choice made it come off that April is leading him on, but honestly Donnie is not perfect either and he is just as bad when is comes to this relationship, but this post isn't about Apritello, it’s about April. If you wanna know how I would've handle Donnie and April's romance, you can check it out HERE.

I fully blame the writer's on this one, but I feel April's plot with her family's connection to the Kraang, her mom missing, and her being a half Kraang herself was totally wasted and forgotten by the 3rd season. They were doing good build up to it but then I feel they completely dropped it and forgot about it by season 4 and onward. My guess is the writer's didn't know where to go on from there so they just ignored it for the rest of the series hoping we wouldn't notice. Her have psychic powers is cool but feels totally random and out of place at times. Yeah, Kraang Prime has psychic powers too but most of April's Kraang heritage plot often leaves more questions than answers. Another thing is I wish she was given more Kraang features as the series progressed. I see a lot of fans today draw her with Kraang like eyes or tentacles coming out of her head and neck and it looks really cool! Let my girl embrace her alien side!!

Karai

She used to be my all time favorite character in the series, her intro episode is what got me into fully watching the rest of the series. So I thank Karai for being the reason I really got into TMNT. I loved her, but after rewatching the show a few times, I would see her choices and just wonder “what the hell was she thinking?” She does so many dumb decisions as the series goes on and it begins frustrate me. She had two opportunities to go back to her real father and be a family with him and her turtle brothers, but instead she is blinded by her vendetta against Shredder and wants to overthrow his empire. Now that is a cool concept, Karai taking over the Foot, but when she returned in season 4 it just feels out of no where and I feel I skip a whole arc or season. I wish they gave her more time to grow and we see her come to this decision instead of it just happening. Side note, but I love how even before the reveal, Karai acts like a teasing older sister towards the Turtles. Her dynamic with Donnie, Raph and Mikey is rare to see but you can see that they care about her and she cares about them too and I love it.

Her snake form was very cool and had a creative design, though that whole arc of trying to find her and then her being brainwashed was pointless filler, such a waste of time. How she out of no where mastered her turning from human to snake at will was so random. The whole brainwashed Karai arc in general didn't need to happened!

I feel I'm obligated to talk about it, but Karai's biggest flaw, as well as it being TMNT 2012's worst quality, was her relationship with Leo. What were they thinking with that shit?! If they wanted Leo to have a crush on the enemy that's fine! That can be good drama, but why then throw in the twist that his crush is also his sister and continue to push a romance between them in the same episode when they are acknowledged as being family?!! Such wasted potential for them to just be enemies who respect one another that grows into a friendly rivalry that becomes two siblings looking out for one another, but still like to get on each other's nerves. Beside that mess, her and Leo do have a fun and good dynamic, when it isn't being ruined with forced uncomfortable romance. I also wanna add I like her dynamic with April and parallels between the two girls. Overall, I like Karai, but she could've been better.

Irma/Rook

I'm adding "Irma" to the list cause she counted as a character for a short while before the twist and she did technically come back in season 4. I liked Irma, she was funny, quirky, and her dynamic with April and Casey was fun to watch. I liked her banter with Casey, it always made me laugh. I'm honestly still disappointed that it was revealed Irma was not even Irma but was just a robot controlled by Kraang Sub Prime. All that hope to see Irma befriend the Turtles was destroy for me.

I am glad they were able to find a way to bring back Irma in the form of the Utrom Rook in season 4. She had little screen time but she always stuck out to me for some reason. Also, wasted potential of not having April meet Rook and for her to have a heart to heart with her about the friend lost because Rook looks like her old best friend.

I actually did a whole rewrite of how I would've handle the Irma is robot twist and still keep her as a character: LINK.

Renet Tilley

I love her so much! She's funny, entertaining and a total sweetheart. I love how she's a very bubbly and overall kind person but isn't afraid to punch someone right in the face. I like how she's perceived as dumb and naïve but is actually very smart and is usually the one saving the Turtle's from certain doom. I also love the little detail of her having a gap in her teeth. Really brings out the childish nature to her character. My favorite part about Renet is how much of a fangirl she is, literally representing the entire TMNT fandom. From first meeting them Renet has so much faith and trust in the Turtles because of what she's read about them in her history books. They are her heroes, she believes in them and knows in the end they'll save the day. The very concept of the Turtles befriend a time traveler from the future was another thing that was underused and could've open the door to so many cool new stories and adventures, but like many characters, she was underused and only came back when need, like for a Halloween special of all things. I'm really surprised Mikey or any of the Turtles didn’t mentioned her after the Earth was destroyed by the Black Hole Generation, remembering what she told them about how they've saved the world so many times.

I know some people find controversy with her romantic relationship with Mikey nowadays because of them both being from different time periods, but I still find their dynamic very sweet and entertaining to watch. As best friends or as romantic partners, you got to admit that they are fun to see together. She understands Mikey and never judges him for his weird antics/ideas and Mikey finds her quirkiness adoring and always makes sure she is safe.

A little nitpick I have is with her character design, mainly when we see her without her helmet. Her hair model design doesn't look good, like it looks like she's wearing a wig that they just slapped on her at the last minute. Which sucks cause in her concept sketches her hair looks very good, with having a more proper hair line, but since the braid crown is playing as her hairline in the 3D model it doesn't look good.

Also, technically Renet is the most powerful ally the Turtles have because of her weapon alone. Why does no one talk about that?? The Turtles are lucky that Renet is on their side.

Mona Lisa/Y'gythgba

SHE IS MY QUEEN AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! <3

Next to April, Mona Lisa also gets a lot of unnecessary hate, but I know why she gets hate. It those toxic whiney Raphael fangirls who can't accept the fact that he's fictional and is happy with an actual girlfriend so now they can't have him or ship him with their self insert Mary Sue OCs. A true Raphael fangirl, like myself, would be happy for Raph that he found someone who loves and respects him for who he is.

It's already obvious that Mona was another underused character in this series. I absolutely LOVE the space arc in season 4, but the concept of the Salamandrians, though cool, were very underused despite the Turtles fighting a Salamandiran before (Newtrailzer). If you ask me, Mona and Sal should've been more present during the space arc and they should've been there helping the Turtles when they were fighting the Triceratons on Earth at the end of the arc. This choice could've given the writer's the opening for Mona to start living on Earth sooner and join the Mighty Mutanimals during mid season 4 instead of saying she joined the Mutanimals in season 5 but never see her with them! (I'm still so mad that they got our hopes up that we'd see Mona interact/become friends with the Mutanimals only to find out that we will never see her again after When Worlds Collide) I have actually wrote a whole post on how I would've included Mona in more episodes, give her more time in the spotlight and her joining the Mutanimals sooner: LINK.

Mona being a lieutenant for the Salamandiran army already says a lot about who she is and what she has been through. You cannot tell me that this woman as killed people and has war trauma! Mona is an interesting character and her personality clashes well with Raph's, even before they became a couple, them butting heads shows what kind of person Mona is. She can be short tempered and stubborn like him and would often jump to conclusions, a fight first ask question later kind of gal. She loves to fight and is a very strong and skilled warrior. She is loyal to those she looks up to and respects like her commander and is a rule follower, but sometimes she loses control of herself and steps out of line, to which her commander has to hold her back. She cares deeply about the ones she's close to and especially shows how much she loves and cares for Raph. Most fans result her to just being a love interest, but she's still her own character and grows as a person from being with Raph. Honestly the push up scene was one of her highlights, not only for being hilarious and showing how in love she is with Raph, but also showing that she's more than a strict serious lieutenant. That scene reminds us that she's still a teenager and is acting her age, even she can't help but break her serious military persona once in a while.

I absolutely adore her and I'm so happy more fans today are growing to love her as much as I do! She's such a great character and its ashamed that we didn't get to see more of her in the show, but I'm happy with what I got.

Shinigami

My only criticism I have of her is that she is underused (I know I say that a lot) and I really dislike that she was forced shipped with Mikey. It was the most pointless decision they did for her character. You can just tell the writer's didn't know what to do with her so the made her a love interest as well thinking that would make her more interesting. That was a dumb decision. Her and Mikey are not a good match for many reasons I won't get into, but here's what they should've done:

Not ship her with anyone cause we already had enough love interests by the time she entered the show.

Ship her with Leo instead of making him crush on his freaking sister. They already wanted him to have a crush on a female ninja from the Foot Clan who's a bad girl, why couldn't they hold it off until he met Shini instead of Karai?

Ship her with Casey as a way to give Casey a happy ending after that whole love triangle drama.

Ship her with Karai cause they were obviously already dating in the show! Shinirai forever!!

Regardless of that poor decision, I love Shini, her design is very gorgeous and creative, and her concept of being a witch brings something new to the series with magic and illusions. I feel there has been wasted potential with her not being involved during the Kavaxas arc, cause come on, she's a witch who specializes in dark magic. Why didn't they have her be attached to the Kavaxas cult in some way? Or have her know about Kavaxas and help the team stop him? Honestly I was convinced at one point that Shini was going to be a surprise villain and she was secretly loyal to Shredder not Karai and betray her during the finale. I made a whole post about it actually LINK.

Overall, I love Shinigami! Next to Mona Lisa she is one of my favorite female characters. I love seeing her teasing April and the others, especially towards her enemies, treating a battle like its nothing more than a game to her. Her loyalty and romance friendship with Karai I adore. She is such a fun character and underrated too if you ask me.

Alopex

She stole the show and she was only in one episode! Once again, another underused female character. Alopex is technically (not counting April) the first female mutant on the show (not counting Karai cause she's able to turn back), and we only get one episode with her. That should be consider a crime, but the episode she was in, she made a damn good impression. We learn of her and Tiger Claw's tragic backstory and you grow to understand why she is so hatful towards her brother for the life he put her through and him supposedly killing their parents. She establishes herself as a badass and continues to prove she is a badass throughout the episode. The way she cut off her brother's tail and later is arm without a second thought and then leaves shows shows how ruthless she is, but her sparring him also shows her compassion and her hope that one day her and Tiger Claw can be a family again.

Her line "Just remember, I could have taken your life" sent chills down my spine when I first heard it.

My biggest complaint is WHY didn't they bring Alopex back during the Kavaxas arc in season 5?! How cool would it have been if the Turtles recruited and teamed up with Alopex to take down her brother!

[jemmo]

his man 2 ep 8 and 9 thoughts!!!! I started ranting bc a lot happened and I didn’t cover everything (ill rewatch later with my mom and sister) so ill put it under a read more, but tl;dr

POETIC CINEMA ^^^^^^^^^

there is…. so much to unpack. but let me start of with YES and YES. yes to everything about sungho and junsung’s date, and yes to everything about minsung and hyungjun’s date. and having them sandwich the date between yonghee and seonwoo shows me even more how different the vibe and interactions are, bc yonghee and seonwoo together had like this melancholy… idk how else to describe it, maybe bc seonwoo planned for this to be with sungho, but he just felt emotionally removed. I get that he might’ve felt unexpectedly weird bringing someone to where he works and those worlds clashing, but even after, it leaves me with a bad taste that yonghee was so forward and sharing and honest and when he tried to ask seonwoo something he couldn’t get a solid answer in return. the whole point of these two dating was to determine whether there was something there, and still seonwoo can’t give him anything to be certain about. and just when I felt like yonghee could start to look elsewhere, he’s tied down to these unanswered questions bc of the possibility there is something there. we’ve made no progress, and it’s frustrating.

and completely 180 to that… god. i could gush about that sungho and junsung date forever. it’s the way it felt both comfortable and familiar but also new and exciting, like they were the same people they’ve always been and didn’t let the pressure that this is a proper date effect their behaviour, and instead just let it feel exciting, let it take it’s course and see what happens, and i love that. i love that they could take nonsense and bicker and also talk about more serious things and there was never any tension. and just the closeness, the ease in each others presence, not even doing anything, just going to eat and chat and walk by the beach, like they don’t need an activity to bring them together or break the ice bc they’re past that. god it just felt so electric and soothing and I don’t know how that’s possible but I adored every second. and i cannot believe they then left us on the cliffhanger of what that voicemail is and then gave us that preview bc I don’t want to think about all the other mess, pls just let me be happy for now.

and sticking on being happy for now, minsung and hyungjun. minsung and hyungjunnnnnnnnn god it’s happening all over again. he may not be showing it as boldly as junsung did to sungho, but I know that hyungjun is down for minsung just as bad. the way he watches him and just smiles and is so endeared, god it’s sickening to watch people in love. but again, their date was so comfortable, the way you could see hyungjun trying so hard to do everything he wanted and express himself properly after being misunderstood before, and minsung being able to mess with him and tease him, like I can see them both endearing themselves to each other so well, it’s so good. and don’t even talk to me about them dozing off, don’t even talk about the list, don’t even talk about the dumb couple rings, it’s just too much I could scream. and I love love LOVE how minsung approached hyungjun after agreeing to hyungjin after refusing him, hyungjun worrying about the situation and him just saying just give me a yes or no, as to say don’t worry about others, that’s my stuff to deal with, but I’m making this decision so just respond to that, like… how good is that. minsung i adore you.

as for hyungjin and jungwook… sigh. a lot happened but i almost can’t bring myself to talk about it. the date was lovely, but the whole time my heart was breaking thinking that jungwook had planned this for yonghee, after that first date and them talking about dogs, like he really wanted to further that connection, it meant something to him, and that breaks me. and it breaks me that this misunderstanding muddies the comfort and encouragement he felt from hyungjin bc it clearly moved him, even though there’s no affection. I do appreciate hyungjin for wanting to clear that up and not have jungwook misunderstand his intent, but I just think the way hyungjin approached it, and approaches things generally, he can come off very serious mostly bc I think he does like to have things resolved, he doesn’t want to have these worries lingering, but jungwook is very chill, and I don’t think he’s offended at all by hyungjin clearing up that there’s no affection bc I don’t think he felt that either. it was very clear to him that this was friendly, so that being verbalised I don’t think hurt him, but for hyungjin to say he wouldn’t have gone on the date after the fact, I can see how that would hurt jungwook after sharing so much. it did feel like hyungjin was stepping in to something much more intimate that he wasn’t prepared for, and like he was experiencing something he shouldn’t be, like it wasn’t for him, but in the face of jungwook doing that anyway and sharing himself, yes clear up that it wasn’t with affection, but don’t then backtrack. I get that he doesn’t want to take it back and their meaning does get lost when they talk, he’s saying he wouldn’t have gone bc he didn’t want to create a situation that can be misunderstood. the mission card says invite a crush and by inviting him, that implies something so he’s saying I wouldn’t have gone with you bc I don’t feel that way. there’s good intent there, and I don’t think it is that deep, I just hope it doesn’t leave either of them feeling bad.

and finally, god I can’t believe I have to wait 2 full weeks to hear all these voicemails, but the ones we did get… wow. i was expecting hyungjin’s voicemail to be for either seonwoo or yonghee, and while I would’ve preferred yonghee bc I want someone to say those exact words to him, stop waiting around and explore other options, im also kinda glad it was for seonwoo, if only bc I want other people to play on his mind and keep him away from sungho, but then he does call him so I guess not. i mean… it’s pure opinion at this point, and I want seonwoo to keep away bc I like sungho with junsung so much, but I can’t exactly sit and complain that he’s sticking to him if he has genuine feelings, it just maddens me that I can never know what’s going on in sungho’s mind. I just know that when I hear that full voicemail of sungho to junsung next week I might cry. i mean… you’ve waited a long time??? god you know how to destroy both me and junsung. I’m just so glad junsung is actually getting these things now tho, that he has something to have faith and strength in that this isn’t all pointless. and the yonghee voicemail… I just adore him, and I can’t help feel like all his charm is wasted on seonwoo bc he is just so lovely, and I’m glad he is finding meaning and comfort in other relationships, and I’m so glad seonwoo didn’t get a voicemail from him bc it sends this ever so subtle message of he won’t go after you forever. those feelings can only be unwavering up to a point. look and sungho and junsung. idk if junsung would’ve given up if he got notbing back, but the fact he is getting signals in return gives him the faith to keep going. if seonwoo continues to not reciprocate in a meaningful way, I just need him to know that yonghee will not be there forever, and I hope that not getting a voicemail tells him that.

[42starsintheuniverse]

Crowley VS Roles

Azi during the Job mini episode: “Despised tool of Satan” 

Hastur on delivering the Anti-christ: “You will be a tool of glorious [yada yada I can’t remember the quote]”

It’s just an interesting parallel, and shows that maybe that Azi incidentally sounds more like Hell than you might think,,, Like in a way Heaven and Hell tacitly imply Crowley is something to ‘be used’.

Which is like…. Well that’s shit. It sort of just confirms this idea that Crowley is an outcast on both sides, seen as a means to an end in Heaven and Hell. When he worked in Heaven it was ‘Do your job tool’ when he was cast out Heaven was like ‘Do your job and make bad things happen so that we can fix it and feel good about ourselves’. And when working for Hell it was ‘Do your job you’re a cog in the machine against Heaven’. And there’s something so heart-breaking about that for Crowley- I sort of view Crowley in Angel form as an artist- he made the nebula, the stars, galaxies not just for it to look nice but to give himself a sense of purpose and fulfilment. It’s not ‘I made pretty things for people to look at’ it’s ‘I made pretty things because I need a reason to be here, and I want to prove to myself that I can make something of value, so I made this and isn’t it wonderful?’ And literally like ??? He gets cast out for that. 

I feel like it connects to why Crowley is smarter than Azi in some ways too. The whole 

“I don’t think you know what I’m offering you.” 

“I think I know a whole lot better than you do.” 

Like!! Crowley is probably right!! Because he’s more of a question-er and than Azi who prefers to just abide by established norms. Crowley knows that both Heaven and Hell will USE him. Use their workers over, and over, like tools, literally viewing them as emotionless. 

They aren’t. You might think emotion is reserved for Azi and Crowley but ohhh no. Furfur feels something akin to embarrassment when he gets shown up without his proof. Shax gets frustrated when she can’t easily get into the bookshop. Michael and Uriel have this on-going jealousy about who’s going to be supreme archangel and they’re clearly tetchy about it towards each other. All angels and demons SEEM to be capable of emotion, I feel like that’s been made clear.  

So then… Consider the monotony of them all being trapped in their roles. It’s a messed up system -Which Crowley is aware of- because he knows Heaven’s goal is to be the Hammer to nail Hell down, and Hell’s demons are like nails popping up in a piece of wood. Crowley SEES the big picture, he really does. 

“I think I know a whole lot better than you do.”

[findmeabowlofundertale]

@benanazauce YOUR TAGS ON PART 8.1 ARE SO NICE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I’m making this its own post bc of a thing at the end but I figured I’d reply to all the nice things you said!!

She needs that hug so bad but she might melt on you. (Dw though she doesn’t soak into your clothes though)

AND YEAH COLORED MAGIC YAY!! Purple magic never gets talked about, so I thought it’d be cool to do something with it~ I really had to bend my brain to make some of those connections though sjsksjhs

Ehehehe~ THANK YOU

Yeeeeaaah that is because I have been in therapy for so many years. Channeling my inner therapist to analyze my own frustrations with myself and what I see a lot of other people struggle with. I also sent my therapist a link to this fic sksndjsjs so Alisa if you’re reading this hi

BUT ANYWAY THANK YOU I’M GLAD YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD!! Tbh I was pretty proud of it myself

THANK YOU, I DID HAVE A NICE MEAL!

SNSJDNSJKSHDH I KNOW THAT LINE CRACKED ME UP TO WRITE! Mostly bc my friend says stuff like that CONSTANTLY, it’s so funny. It’s a good thing I didn’t work her “I want man like a pancake… a pan like a mancake” into this chapter. Though on second thought I should have, that would have been really funny. (Even though to this day none of us (her included) are actually sure what it meant when she said it…)

AAAAA THANK YOU YOU’RE SO KIND

But this is actually the main reason I made this post!! (I have to resist the urge to make this kind of post with screenshots of all the nice tags whenever anybody reblogs my stuff. Every single time. I just want everyone to know I see them, always, and roll around on the floor happily.) ANYWAY!

That line is actually more important than it seems, I’m glad it stuck out to you!!! It references a few different things, one of which hasn’t happened yet. But the biggest immediate references are actually…

And

She associates the crystals on the ceiling of Waterfall, the “stars,” with the feeling of home, and of comfort, of love. They make her feel safe. In part because of what she believes about what happens to a monster after they die, which she explains to Alphys, and so she believes she can sense her parents’ magic in them; in part because her parents loved the stars (and named her after them); and in part because the ceiling stars are constant. She actually does know them well enough to navigate home if she gets turned around in the winding caves there. If she were ever to get lost… she would use the stars to show the way.

Her subconsciously beginning to associate Gaster’s blue magic and glowing eyes with the same feelings of safety and comfort, of belonging, of home, is a marker of their deepening relationship. Whether the black rock represents the darkness of the teleport, with his eyes/magic being the unmoving (read: “steadfast,” “trustworthy”) guide home, or it simply represents how his glowing eyelights look floating in dark sockets, well. It could go either way, couldn’t it?

THANK YOU SM AS ALWAYS! Honestly maybe I really will start making reaction posts to people’s tags a thing I do… Is it weird? Was this weird???

[lahooozaherr]

I’m posting this here because I want to gather my thoughts on it somewhere but….

I do empathize with those who are pressuring celebs to say more. To an extent. There are celebs higher up on the “food chain” that would probably receive less consequences than others for speaking out (or not idk I could be wrong, it’s just my observation). But it’s obvious now that most of the time they’ve been receiving some kind of consequence and they’re not entirely immune to it.

I mainly empathize because when speaking out about this lately I’ve felt almost alone, like I’m screaming into a void. I know I’m not REALLY alone in it, especially on company I keep on social media. Also, with the way the media has been, suppression of Pro-Palestinian sentiment (suspecting this is happening on my insta), etc.

HOWEVER….

As I’ve seen similar opinions on here, I agree that we can’t rely on famous people to save us and do the work. Would having their voice help? Sure, but when they actually know what they’re talking about and not contributing to the cesspool of misinformation.

But that isn’t a reason to become complacent and not do our own work. Celebrities have always disappointed us and will continue to.

In regard to Pedro, we don’t know and we may never really know what his situation is. I don’t personally feel like it’s our business, like I do with all things in his personal life! As much as I love him, and even I hope someday we get to hear his voice on things again, he’s not going to save us. I’m not going to ride hard on celebs having exceptions, but they’re human as well and just as fallible. Although, I did want to point out that:

Pedro and his family were political refugees. I’d like to think (I’m not assuming or asserting either) that he has an idea of what he’s doing. We can’t act like he hasn’t been in these shoes somewhat before, or at least seen it through his parents.

He now has several siblings in spotlights and gaining notoriety aside from him. I’m sure he considers their safety just as much as any of us would with our own families.

He might also be very popular on the internet and wanted for all kinds of projects, but he doesn’t have the influence some prominent figures do. I’ve seen this factor pointed out in several posts as well. Pedro is definitely someone that isn’t immune to the backlash he could receive.

I understand with all of this, everything going on, is extremely difficult to witness and try to reconcile with on the inside. I know I’m probably just repeating what many have already said and fumbling over myself a little. I don’t (or at least no longer) subscribe to a lot of celeb culture and have learned to no longer look to them for things like this. It doesn’t make it any less frustrating when they don’t use their voices. But I just don’t think it’s that black and white. Although I usually err to not feel bad for rich people.

SO! With that being said, I’m feeling the pain as well. It’s been very difficult for me to learn how to mourn and feel like I’m not losing my mind over Gaza and how too many people are not treating it as serious as it is. Or don’t see how connected we all really are (nor do I ever assert that my pain could even compare to Palestinians and those with more proximity to the situation).

But we’re privileged with free speech ourselves (I say that with a shakey hand gesture in some cases). It’s our duty to use it for those who can’t and, if anything, especially when celebs or figures with more of a platform can’t or won’t.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly describe the pain I know a lot of us feel over this. I understand how easy it is to react rather than respond, become angry (a lot of the anger in general is valid), to get wrapped up in the online politics over whose saying or not saying what.

But the best thing we can do about it is to do that work ourselves.

I’m lowkey nervously posting this because I don’t typically write up posts like this on here but I’m trying to move past that discomfort. I know it’s just another layer of white supremacy to not say or do anything for fear of not getting it right the first time. I’m sure there’s many good points against what I’ve said and I do my best to continue to be an “always evolving and learning” kind of person.

But just to bring it back to what I’m saying: we have free speech and can use it, and we should. Our words have power even when we don’t feel like they do. Maybe sometimes I empathize to my detriment (working on that lol) but I digress.

We can’t rely on celebs to do it all for us. ACTUALLY, we need that energy focused on our elected officials. Because if anything, this is an even BIGGER mask off moment for them. That’s a whole other problem I won’t get into on here, but still.

If you read this and write me off as just trying to justify silence for my fave celeb, then you’re allowed to have that opinion. If I’m ever proven wrong I have no problem owning up to that. I’m just not waiting around for them to say something before I do.

[legolasbadass]

Office Hours, Part 20

Summary: Lorelei Browning has just secured a job as an assistant professor at Exeter College in Oxford. Naturally, she is eager to prove herself and meet every challenge sent her way, but what she does not expect is the tall, handsome stranger who will quickly become much more than a colleague…

Relationship: Richard Armitage x OC (Professor AU)

Word Count: 3.1k

Rating: E

Read on AO3

“I’m telling you, Stairway to Heaven is about Galadriel!” I exclaim as I steal a chip from Richard’s plate. 

“I thought Robert Plant denied that?” Richard says with a laugh. 

“I don’t think so—not explicitly,” I retort. “Anyway, since when are you such a firm believer in authorial intent?” 

“Alright, good point,” he says, taking a sip from our shared drink by bringing the two straws between his lips. “So, what’s the evidence?” 

After leaving the college, Richard and I stopped at a pub near Broad Street for drinks and burgers, enjoying the freedom that comes from our relationship no longer being a secret. As we sat in front of the diamond grid window under the low, beamed ceilings of the pub, Led Zeppelin’s Ramble On started playing through the speakers, and that’s how we came to talk about other connections to The Lord of the Rings in the famous rock band’s songs. 

“Ok, so you know how Galadriel is banned from returning to Valinor at the end of the First Age?” Richard nods. “Well, there’s different versions of the story—sometimes the ban is imposed by the Valar, and in others, it’s self-imposed….” He smiles in a way that tells me I’m rambling, and I chuckle apologetically. “Right, the point is, Galadriel must reject the ring to return to Valinor. That’s what the song is about. Galadriel is the lady mentioned in the first stanza, and “with a word she can get what she came for” refers to her rejection of the ring. She has to say “no” to the temptation—to her desire to dominate—and that will allow her to return to Valinor. And when the song talks about how all our thoughts can be misgiven, that’s referring to how all possible outcomes of the war are bad for the Elves. If Sauron wins, well that’s obviously bad, but if he loses, then the Three are stripped of their power, and the Elves’ kingdoms in Middle-earth will fade.” 

“Interesting theory—I won’t ever hear the song the same way,” Richard says as he nods repeatedly and scratches his beard, clearly deep in thought. “However, the idea that Galadriel is banned from Valinor isn’t mentioned in Lord of the Rings. That’s only mentioned in The Silmarillion, and that was published, what, six years after Stairway to Heaven?” 

I smile; he is irresistible when he gets nerdy like this, and I love that he is becoming more knowledgeable about Tolkien. “You’re right, but Galadriel does imply that she can’t return. And even before the Silm was published, Tolkien talked about the ban of the Valar in the book The Road Goes Ever On and On, which was published in 1967, so pre Led Zeppelin IV.”

“Alright, I bow to the Tolkien expert,” he says, causing me to chuckle. Then he reaches out to grab my wrist to stop me from taking another chip from his plate. “You owe me a kiss for every chip you steal.” 

I raise my eyebrows. “Oh really?” I free myself from his hold to bring the chip into my mouth, making sure to slowly lick the salt from my lips. “Do you want those kisses now or later?” 

“Hm, I think later sounds very promising,” he replies in an equally suggestive tone, and warmth spreads through me, but our teasing is too soon interrupted by his ringtone. Pulling out his phone from his pocket, he glances at the screen and frowns. 

“Who is it?”

He shrugs but answers it nonetheless. “Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Browning.” 

I freeze, wondering if perhaps Richard knows another Mr. Browning, but the look on his face confirms my suspicions. 

But why on earth is my dad calling Richard?

“Give me the phone,” I mouth, but Richard shakes his head and pushes my hand away as he continues to talk with my dad. I sigh in frustration, then step around the table and lean into Richard to try and listen to the conversation. He struggles to contain his laughter as he—unsuccessfully—attempts to push me away.

“That would be great,” Richard responds to something. “Yes, Saturday works … Alright, I’ll see you then. Bye.” As soon as he hangs up the phone, he looks up at me with wide eyes and bursts out laughing. “Can you behave?” 

“Sorry,” I reply with a guilty giggle as I return to my seat. “But why is my dad calling you? And how did he even get your number!?” 

“No idea,” Richard shrugs. “He said you told them we got back together and now he wants to have lunch with me.” 

I groan and shake my head as I reach out for my own phone. “You don’t have to do this—I’m calling him right away—”

“Don’t.” 

“But—”

“Lorelei, sweetheart, it’s alright,” he insists as he takes my phone away and intertwines our fingers above the table. 

“You want to have lunch with my dad? Do you not remember the pitchforks last time?” 

Richard chuckles and squeezes my hand. “Would I rather do something else on Saturday afternoon? Yes. But I don’t intend to be in your life temporarily, Lorelei, so it’s important for me to make things right with your dad. I don’t want there to be any tension between us,” he says, and his words, combined with the honest, tender look in his eyes, stir a nearly overwhelming wave of love in my heart.  

“I just don’t want you to feel forced—”

“I don’t. I promise,” he assures me, and I smile, knowing I don’t need to say anything more for him to understand. “Speaking of family….”

“Yes?” I say encouragingly as I note his sudden hesitation. 

“Well, it’s Thomas’ birthday soon, and my parents’ are planning a small party for him and I thought—I thought maybe you could come with me?” 

“I’d love that,” I reply with a smile. 

“Really?” he asks, and the relief in his voice urges me to squeeze his hand reassuringly. 

“Of course! I want to share every part of your life, Richard,” I say, repeating the words he spoke to me last autumn. He smiles knowingly and brings my hand to his lips, and I still feel the warmth of his lips on my skin minutes later, when we step out into the cold evening. 

The sun is slowly disappearing over the horizon, the lamposts casting their golden glow over the sandstone buildings across the road and the countless puddles on the uneven cobblestone. The streets are quiet at this time of the day, when classes are over but students have not yet begun to crowd the pubs, and Richard and I savour the hush of the deepening blue, my head resting into his side as he shields me from the wind with his arm around my shoulders. 

“Do you feel like going to a bookshop?” Richard asks suddenly.

“Do you even need to ask?” I reply playfully as I peer up at him, smiling at the strand of hair that dances over his forehead. 

He chuckles and squeezes my shoulder. “Come on—this way.” 

We talk about everything and nothing as he leads me along High Street, all the way to Carfax Tower, the only remains of the 12th century St Martin’s Church, before turning left onto St Aldate’s Street. Ahead, the bell tower of Christ Church disappears into the dark, misty sky. Just beyond the college, opposite a public garden, is a narrow, arched passage tucked in a stone building. A black sign next to the arch marked St. Philip’s Books reveals that a bookshop lies on the other side, but it still feels like we are entering a secret, even magical, place. 

The small bookshop is filled from floor to ceiling with books, and we have to squeeze through narrow passageways to make our way further into the shop, where Richard is leading me. He refuses to tell me what he wants to show me, but the wide, contagious smile on his face makes me wish our destination was still miles away, if only so that he could remain this excited for much longer. 

“Ta-da!” he suddenly exclaims as we reach a tight, dimly lit corner, and when my eyes land upon the titles etched into the worn covers in front of me, I gasp. 

“Oh my God!” 

The whole section before us is dedicated to Tolkien. The books on the shelves range from recent, mass-produced paperback editions of The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, to older—and rarer—editions of his novels and even his lesser-known writings, along with a wide selection of literary criticism on his work. 

“I knew you’d like it,” Richard says before pressing a kiss atop my head, and I lean back into his chest with a smile as I examine all the books. I gasp again when my eyes land on an umber-coloured tome with only the slightest of creases on the spine. 

“I’ve been looking for this for ages!” I exclaim as I reach out to grab it.

“What is it?” 

“Tolkien’s translation of Ancrene Riwle,” I reply as I stare at the golden symbol of the Early English Text Society on the cover. Another gasp escapes me when I open the book and take a look at the edition notice. “Oh my God—it’s an actual first edition! And it’s only £40!” 

“You should get it!” 

“I will!” 

Richard chuckles as he kisses the top of my head once more. “I’ll be right over there, love, okay?” 

“Okay,” I reply absently as I continue to flick through the pages before diverting my attention to the other tomes begging for my attention on the shelves. 

I lose track of time as I examine practically every volume before me, pleasantly surprised to find so many gems hidden in the organized chaos of the towers of books rising all around me. The air is slightly musty, with that distinct sweet, earthy smell of ancient tomes that transports me back to countless rainy afternoons spent huddled in the library during my graduate studies, surrounded by centuries of knowledge. In the quiet comfort of the bookshop, I feel transported back in time, each crease on a spine, folds on pages, and notes etched into margins offering me glimpses of the past visitors to each forgotten world tucked away on the shelves. 

When I go in search of Richard, it’s with a pile of heavy books in my arms (my rule is, when they’re too heavy to carry, that’s when you need to stop). He is not in the Early Modern section, so I continue toward the crime thrillers, and I find him leaning against an overflowing bookshelf, his head buried in a worn paperback, probably already a chapter or two into the story. Richard is a voracious reader who becomes almost addicted to whatever he is reading; more than once, I have  found him still engrossed in a novel in the middle of the night, and when I ask him to come back to bed, he dismisses me with a promise of “just one more chapter.” 

Richard doesn’t notice me until I lean my head against his arm and say, “And here I was worrying I was taking too long.” 

With a chuckle, he closes the book and offers me a soft smile. “You can take all the time you need.” Then he notices the pile of books in my arms and raises his eyebrows. “Did you leave any for the other customers?” 

“You’re the one who brought me here!” I retort playfully. “You’re encouraging my book-buying addiction!” 

Richard’s warm laugh fills the quiet bookshop as we slowly make our way to the cash register. The shop owner greets us with a kind smile as we drop our books onto the counter, but when I reach for my wallet, Richard shakes his head and offers his card instead. 

“What are you doing?” 

In response, he merely smiles at me as he inserts his card into the card reader. 

“Richard, don’t—” 

“It’s fine, sweetheart,” he assures me, and I bite my lips in embarrassment. When the shop owner hands us our heavy bag, Richard and I smile and thank him before stepping back into the chilly night. 

“You didn’t have to do that,” I say as we stop in front of the arched passage. 

Richard urges me to face him by wrapping one arm around my waist and pulling me close. “I know. I wanted to.” When I look down at my boots, he squeezes me tight and forces me to meet his gaze with a gentle hand on my chin. “I’m the one who brought you here, so it’s only fair that I gift you these books.”

Chuckling, I slip my hands into his open coat and wrap my arms around his waist. “I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I just mean that … you don’t have to buy me things. Spending time together is all I want.” 

“That’s all I want too. But I like spoiling you, so get used to it,” he replies with the most tender smile. “I want you to have everything you could ever dream of.”

His words stir an overflow of affection in my heart, and as I gaze into his deep blue eyes and the unmistakable love shining in them caresses me, I realize that in his arms, I found what I hadn’t even known I had been searching for all these years. “I already do. I have you.” 

His eyes soften, and a faint smile graces his handsome face before he leans in to kiss me. His lips are soft and tenderly slow against mine, but I can’t help but deepen the kiss, and I smile as my ardour earns me a rumbling groan from him. In his loving embrace, the city—with its rushing students and impatient drivers hurrying to get home—disappears, and it’s just him and I, floating on the waves of our passion as though nothing else matters.

***

  On Saturday afternoon, I lie on my green velvet couch, my open laptop resting forgotten on my lap as Beatrice complains to me about a coworker and how stressed she is at work. It’s raining again, sheets of water streaming down the windows as a dull, grey light submerges my flat, and I long for the warmth of the fireplace in Richard’s living room. 

“... Anyways, sorry—I’ll stop rambling now,” Beatrice says after a long while, and I shake my head. 

“Don’t apologize! You can always vent to me about anything,” I reassure her.

“Thanks, that means more than you know.” 

I frown, desperately wishing she did not live so far away so that I could hug her. “Apart from work, how is everything?” 

“Oh, you know….” 

“How are things with Paul?” 

A long pause ensues before she sighs and says, “We’re not together anymore.”

“What? Oh, Bea—I’m so sorry. What happened?” 

“It just didn’t work out,” she says, but I can tell by her uneven voice that she is more upset than she lets on. 

“Since when?” 

“Like, two weeks ago.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“You were so happy about getting back with Richard—I didn’t want you to feel guilty or like you couldn’t talk to me about it.”

Despite her words, guilt twists my inside, and I struggle to find the words that could comfort her as well as a hug. “Oh, Bea—no. You can always talk to me! I’m sorry if I’ve been talking about Richard too much—”

“You haven’t!” she interjects. “That’s the thing; I don’t want you to stop talking to me about your relationship just because you think it might hurt my feelings. It won’t.” 

“If you’re sure…” I reply hesitantly. “You’re still coming to visit in March, right?” 

“Of course!” she says in a much lighter tone. 

I smile. “Then we can get properly pissed then, you and me. We’ll watch your favourite movie, eat junk food, all of that.” 

“You’re the best,” Beatrice chuckles. “I hope I’ll get to meet your professor, too.” 

“If you’re up for it, I’d really love that.” At that moment, the door buzzer goes off, and I smile as I stand. “Oh, Richard’s here.” 

“Alright, I won’t keep you then.”

“Are you sure you’re alright? We can keep taking—Richard will understand—”

“No, no, it’s fine. Go enjoy your professor,” she says in a suggestive tone before we hang up. 

Smiling to myself, I open the door just as Richard climbs the last steps in the hallway. His hair is wet and ruffled up from the unrelenting rain outside, making him look even more irresistible, but my curiosity stops me from throwing myself into his arms right away. 

“Sooooo? How did it go?” I ask, closing the door behind him as he shrugs off his coat and shoes. 

Richard leans in to kiss my cheek, then says, “It went well. Your father offered me five acres of land and 3 sheep as your dowry. The wedding is on May 10th.” 

“Only five acres? I’m worth more than that!” I reply playfully. 

Richard chuckles and pulls me into his arms, brushing my lips with a fleeting kiss before he says, “No, really—it went well. It was awkward at first, but then he apologized for the last time and from there, things felt a lot more comfortable. We talked about you a lot.” 

“About me?” I say, urging him on. 

“Yeah. We talked about how great you are, and how proud we are of you.” Heat creeps up my neck, and Richard leans in to kiss me once more, a smile on his lips. “He just wanted to make sure I know how special you are. And I do.” 

Blushing all the more, I chew on my lower lip. “So it was really okay?” 

“It was. Don’t fret, love. He even asked about my research and we talked about Richard III for a while.” 

“You sound like you actually had a good time.”

“I did!”

“Well then I’m glad!” I sigh in relief. Then, with a teasing smirk, I add, “And here I was, getting ready to make it up to you….”

Richard raises an eyebrow, and his eyes darken. “What did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I just put on this black lace set,” I say with a shrug, acting oblivious to his growing arousal as he stares unashamedly at my breasts. “But I guess I can go take it off now—”

Before I know it, Richard lifts me into his arm and throws me over his shoulder, and our laughter echoes through my flat as he brings me toward the bed, one of his large hands resting on my bum.

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[whoovesnassistant]

Skit Contest Entry 8

Tinkering With Trust - By Tech Reel

YouTube: youtube.com/@DiddleBox

Tumblr: https://diddlebox.tumblr.com/

Derpy is relaxing in her room, then suddenly there’s a knock at the door.

Derpy: [humming peacefully, then hears the knock] Come in! [door opens]

Tick Tock: [slightly uncomfortable] Hey Derpy, could I.. ask you to do me a favor?

Derpy: [cheery] Of course, Tick Tock, what do you need?

Tick Tock: Well, I feel like lately The Doctor’s behavior around me has been.. peculiar. More so than usual.

Derpy: [mild frustration] Oh no, is he getting all crazy about unicorns again?

Tick Tock: [mild relief] Thankfully not. But he does seem incredibly tense whenever I’m near him. Do you think you could possibly talk to him and figure out what’s going on? I would myself, but I worry that might only add to the problem.

Derpy: Yeah I can ask him for you, I’m sure it’s nothing serious, probably just The Doctor being The Doctor.

Tick Tock: Thank you, Derpy. [Derpy walks away] In the meantime, I’ll go back to my latest project.

Derpy reaches the TARDIS console and finds The Doctor.

Doctor: [muttering quietly/angrily to himself] What if he.. Ooh I bet.. Oh he better not-!

Derpy: [confused/concerned] Um, Doctor?

Doctor: AHH WHAT?!

Derpy: EEP!

Doctor: [relief, regaining breath] Oh, Derpy, it’s only you.

Derpy: Are you okay, Doctor? You seem.. on edge.

Doctor: Yes, I’m fine, I’ve just noticed some peculiar behavior lately that I’m trying to investigate.

Derpy: You’re not the only one, Tick Tock said you’ve been acting a bit weird lately.

Doctor: [angry suspicion] Hmph, he would say that.

Derpy: [concerned] What?

Doctor: Derpy, have you noticed lately that Tick Tock’s ideas have been rather.. concerning?

[“woosh” or other sound to indicate flashback/transition]

-Brief Flashback 1/3

Tick Tock: Doctor, remind me, how is it that other ponies don’t seem to notice the TARDIS when you land in areas where it should be quite obvious?

Doctor: Ah, that would be the perception filter! A handy trick to make the ol’ girl almost unnoticeable, as long as someone isn’t looking for her specifically, their eyes will naturally glance away and ignore her, classic telepathic misdirection.

Tick Tock: Fascinating. I wonder if such abilities could be amplified and applied to a pony, making them able to slip in and out of places completely unnoticed and forgotten by any surrounding ponies.

Doctor: [suspicious] Hmm..

[“woosh” or other sound to indicate flashback/transition]

-Brief Flashback 2/3-

Derpy: Aw, look at those fillies playing “Red Light, Green Light”! I used to love that game when I was their age.

Tick Tock: Interesting strategy, freezing when in view of the opposing side. If you could move fast enough and appear unassuming, the enemy would have no idea what’s coming their way. You would be determined and on the move, while all they see is some sort of-

Doctor: [curious/uneasy] Statue?

Tick Tock: Exactly, nobody would suspect such a simple and seemingly innocent object.

[“woosh” or other sound to indicate flashback/transition]

-Brief Flashback 3/3-

Tick Tock: Is there a lot of technology back where you’re from?

Doctor: Oh there very much is. TVs, computers, motor vehicles, phones, et cetera. Humans are addicted to it! Can’t say I blame them.

Tick Tock: Well it can be very useful indeed. And though it isn’t as prevalent in this world, I would love to attempt to change that. It could be an excellent way of connecting ponies, it would just require some hard work and the right type of headset. Or maybe some sort of metal exoskeleton that can protect ponies from threats and even meet their needs, imagine the efficiency.

[“woosh” sound to indicate flashback/transition]

Back to The Doctor and Derpy in the TARDIS.

Derpy: I’ll admit, that last one did sound a tiiiny bit like Cyberponies, but Tick Tock is just coming up with things to try and help people. He would never do anything bad.

Doctor: [uneasy] I don’t know, I don’t want to believe it either, but his ideas have come too close to some very dangerous things I’ve seen both here and back in my world.

Derpy: Well why don’t we just ask him? Maybe if he explains-

Doctor: No no, if this is something then asking would only alert him to my suspicions, and that could be bad.

Derpy: [increasingly concerned] Doctor, you’re acting like he’s a villain, he’s one of the nicest ponies I’ve ever met and he would never hurt anypony.

Doctor: [skeptical, under his breath] Well we did meet him in the middle of a war..

Derpy: [frustrated/shocked] Doctor!

Doctor: I don’t mean to be mean, I’m just trying to be cautious. Either way, we’re not going to agree right now, so why don’t we find out together? I saw Tick Tock go to his room, let’s take a quick glance to see if there’s anything of note happening.

Derpy: You mean spy on him? That just.. doesn’t feel right..

Doctor: It’s the only way we’re going to get any answers. [starts walking] I’m doing it with or without you. So? Coming?

Derpy: Eh.. fine. Only to prove that he’s not up to anything.

Doctor: [slight skepticism] We’ll see. Off we go.

They both sneak up to Tick Tock’s door.

Doctor: [hushed voice] Look, his door’s a bit open.

Derpy: [hushed voice] Doctor, this feels really wrong.

Doctor: [hushed voice/frustrated] The only thing wrong here is the angle, all I can see are shadows. Oh.. wait just a second, what’s this?

Derpy: [hushed voice] What? What is it?

Doctor: [hushed voice, concerned and increasingly intense] Is that.. It can’t be, but that silhouette looks like.. like..

Derpy: [hushed voice, worried] Like what?

Doctor: [hushed voice, increasingly angry] Oh of course, it all makes sense. The background in war, restricted emotion, a knack for inventing..

Derpy: [hushed voice, concerned] What is it, Doctor? What does it look like?

Doctor: [furious] A Dalek!

The Doctor slams Tick Tock’s door open.

Tick Tock: AH! Oh, Doctor? Derpy?

Doctor: [fury, then calm confusion] Yes! We were here the whole time and know exactly what you’re planning! To think you’d have the NERVE to stay in my TARDIS while creating a.. a.. What in the world is that?

Tick Tock: Oh this? This is just a side project I’m working on. The perfect container for basic condiments and seasonings. One simple delivery system for ketchup, mustard, salt, and pepper.

Doctor: Oh.. well, uh that’s.. great! Definitely much better than.. Ah well never mind that. Handy little gadget there, Tick Tock, keep up the good work! [starts walking out]

Derpy: [stern] Doctor. Talk to him.

Doctor: Aw that’s not necessary, all’s forgotten, right Tick Tock?

Tick Tock: [confused] Doctor, what did you think I was making?

Doctor: Nothing! I just.. I.. [sighs, defeated/ashamed] I thought you were making a Dalek. A creature from my world that brought great pain to the universe..

Tick Tock: What? Why would you think I’d do such a thing?

Doctor: Well lately it’s seemed that a lot of your ideas have been reminiscent of ones I’ve seen in the past that caused a lot of harm. I was worried it meant you were going down a dark path of some sort.

Tick Tock [concerned]: I-I’m so sorry if something I did led you to believe that I would be that type of pony.

Derpy: You didn’t do anything, Tick Tock.

Doctor: [solemn] Derpy’s right, it isn’t you at all, it’s me. I’ve had friends and allies in the past that turned on me later in life. One of my greatest enemies.. was once one of my closest friends. What I’m trying to say is that trust.. doesn’t always come easy to me, and when I see potential signs of betrayal I get.. antsy.

Derpy: [shocked/sympathetic] Doctor, I’m so sorry. I had no idea your old friends treated you like that.. but remember, we’re not them. I know trust can be hard, but we’ll always do our best to treat you with the kindness you deserve.

Tick Tock: And if you ever have questions about my inventions or concepts you can always ask, I’d be more than happy to explain. Plus if something I’m thinking of reminds you of something dangerous, such warnings would be more than welcome.

Doctor: [calm/relieved] Thank you. I’m sorry I accused you, Tick Tock, there will be no more of that I can assure you. And as for you, Derpy, sorry for dragging you into this and making you worry. Thank you both for setting me straight.

Derpy: [cheery/relieved] Always happy to help. Now come on, let’s go somewhere, we’ve been cooped up in the TARDIS for too long.

Tick Tock: If I could make a suggestion, somewhere with food would provide a great opportunity to test my new device.

Derpy: This may be the only time I won’t suggest muffins.

Tick Tock: True, these would not make good additions to baked goods. Maybe I could make one that accommodates that better.

Derpy: Ooh it could have cinnamon, or blueberries, ooh chocolate!

Doctor: Could I suggest a compartment for butter?

The conversation trails off as the three walk off to the console room.

The End.

[partlysmith]

vent

currently in a very bad avpd/depression slump

i can’t help but become painfully self aware of how isolated i am, and how much said isolation continues feeding on itself

my teens and twenties were stolen by mental illness, and i currently don’t have any reason to believe my 30’s will be any different

basic connections with others are so completely foreign to me, even within the extremely small ring of people that make up my friends, to the point where i don’t interact with them as much as i should or would like to, and there’s a constant subconscious nagging that i still don’t really “belong” with them

reaching out to other people is beyond me, and i tell myself that i’m more comfortable when they reach out first, but every time it happens i just mentally recoil and politely end the conversation in as few interactions as possible, assuming i don’t outright ignore entirely

i have zero experience with intimacy and sexuality, two things i desperately crave but am also terrified of receiving, out of the subconscious fear that every self depreciating belief i hold be confirmed true and i’ll come out of the experience more scarred than i entered it

i know it’s an extremely unhealthy and just plain shitty way to think, but i often can’t help but compare myself to people who are “worse” mentally than i am but have still managed to succeed at these things. it makes it clear that i can’t hide behind mental illness as an excuse, at least not entirely, because it is a flaw of my core being, one that often feels beyond repairing

i hear so many stories of people finding others as weird as they are and establishing kinship. people say shit like “you’ll make new friends” or “you’ll eventually meet someone” like it’s a natural inevitability. that doesn’t happen to me

it’s incredibly frustrating and further alienating to see this come so naturally to other people. it’s like everyone around me is effortlessly speaking a secret language that i’ll never have a chance to learn because my tongue was forcibly ripped out of my mouth by something completely out of my control and beyond my understanding

and this worst part is that i know that i’m the problem. i know, in a practical sense, that all relationships, platonic or otherwise, require effort on my part to establish and maintain. i know it is unreasonable and selfish to expect others to uphold my social needs. i know these are problems that i need to fix, but the solutions are not a concrete switch that can be flipped in my mind

i don’t know how to be any other way because i have no other frame of reference of how to be