#Like. Jesus Christ that ending. Connor!

[mightydyke]

The Secret Series is honestly so much better than I expected. I thought there was no way that it would be as good as Lost Hollow or the New Albion Tetralogy but they're actually really really good and really useful because they explain so much about what was going in in the New Albion Radio Hour and the New Albion Guide to Analogue Consciousness. Not to mention they're excellent. I might even prefer Nash Harding to Analogue Consciousness

[encrucijada]

does watching a video essay on midnight mass (that i have not watched) count as research for haze dogs

[nomaishuttle]

ALSO sry im so talkative today idk whats gotten IN to me but anyways. its sooo crazy 2 me that ppl have other birthdays that arent the sake day as my birthday like obviously i know ppl do but its crazy to me. bc january 13th is like My birthday ykwim. like its such a good day to have a birthday on so beautiful 1/13/2005 gods specialest girl was born ykwim.

[wlntrsldler]

I keep imagining the first time Luke and Mr. D met after Luke's hickeys/scratches went viral

LMFAOOOOO ANON THIS IS SENDING ME

here is how i think that conversation played out (suggestive content ahead):

"shit, five star, your dad is calling me," luke mumbled, eyes wide as he looked down at his phone. "he never calls me."

connor snicked from his bunk in the tour bus, "well, given that the whole internet is talking about you right now after the show you gave them last night, i'm not surprised."

"ha!" travis exclaimed, sitting up on his bed. "put it on speaker. i wanna hear him yell at you."

you rolled your eyes, "he's not gonna yell at you."

luke turned to you with hopeful eyes, "you think so?"

"well, he's probably not gonna yell at you," you scrunched your face up, rethinking your words, "like 55% chance he won't yell at you."

"i don't like those odds, babe."

"answer the fucking phone, luke."

luke clicked the green button on his screen, chewing on the nail of his thumb. he rolled his eyes, pressing the speaker button as travis kept egging him on. chris and clarisse opened the privacy curtain of chris' bunk to listen in on the drama.

"hey, mr. d," luke cleared his throat, ignoring the quiet giggles from the boys when his voice cracked. "what's up?"

"is my daughter with you?"

"say no," you whispered. so you were wrong about the odds. your dad was 100% about to yell at luke and you selfishly didn't want to get your ass handed to you just yet. you were going to avoid your dad's calls for as long as possible.

"uhh... no?"

"oh jesus fucking christ," you sighed, smacking your palm against your forehead, "that was soooo convincing."

you heard your dad type on his laptop before shutting it. there was some background noise that subsided after you heard the shut of a door. it seemed like your dad went into his office to get some privacy.

"hey, kid," your dad said, no doubt addressing you now.

"hey, dad," you rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly, leaning down to speak into the mic of luke's phone. "how are you?"

"don't start with me," he said, "would it kill you both to not do whatever it is you do that results in those pictures? pictures that are all over the internet by the way!"

a snide remark was on the tip of luke's tongue, because yes, it would kill him to not do the things that resulted in the pink marks on his neck and the healing scratches on his back, but that didn't seem like the right response.

"dad, you never had an issue with them taking their shirts off during shows before. and luke has gone out on stage like that before."

luke cringed, remembering one too many instances where he'd gone out on stage with hickeys all over his neck. it felt like a lifetime ago now, as if ever since you walked into his life that past version of him was someone he didn't recognize anymore. he much preferred remembering the name of the girl who left him marked up, especially preferring that it was only you who did that to him.

"that was before he started dating my daughter!" he replied, "i don't want to know anything about your relationship, but i'm in an unfortunate situation where i happen to manage the career of your boyfriend's band so i have to deal with it sometimes. so for the love of god, please please, stop."

"i'm so sorry mr. d," luke mumbled, "i completely forgot about them and by the time i realized, it was too late."

you could practically see your dad pulling at his hair, a habit he had when he was in stressful or awkward situations. he didn't speak for a good thirty seconds and then he sighed, "just keep your goddamn shirt on."

luke gulped, "got it."

when your dad ended the call, the entire bus erupted in laughter, including you. luke's face was as red as a tomato as he groaned and buried his head in his pillow. your shoulders shook as you giggled, laying on top of him. he instantly turned his body to wrap his arms around you.

"that wasn't so bad," you cooed, running your fingers through his curls, "and that was a shit apology, baby. you were smug as hell on stage when people pointed out the scratches."

"i wasn't thinking of the consequences of my actions," he said, "i was caught up watching people connect the dots that my girlfriend is not only hot but a fucking animal in be--"

"okay, that's our cue," travis cut off, closing his curtain. connor followed his head, popping in his airpods. clarisse sent you a wink before she disappeared behind the curtain with chris.

"i'll stop leaving hickeys on you," you kissed his face, enjoying how flustered he got. "but i can't promise too much on the scratches."

"i'm gonna stop taking my shirt off at shows, i think," he mused, toying with the hem of the shirt you wore. "i don't think i can take another surprise call from your dad. i think it took years off my life."

"your fans will be highly disappointed," you teased, leaning over to his ear, "but if you're gonna keep your shirt on, does that mean hickeys on your abs is fair game?"

luke licked his lips, tugging on his own curtain to give you two some privacy, "absolutely."

[biggestxsimps]

Hi! Me again. I think I now read all Connor x male reader fan fics and I need more. So that is my request. Connor x male reader. Also, If you are comfortable doing so, could you add a little bit of spice? Not much. And only as long as you are comfortable. Luv u

Love?

A/N: Thank you again for the requests, we really appreciate it! Unfortunately neither of us feel comfortable writing spice yet, but I tried to make it seem like he’s head-over-heels for the reader instead! Most dialogue at the start is taken from the actual game, I think it’s obvious where it doesn’t become canon anymore.

Connor was determined to catch these deviants; they had caused too much harm, and he was ready to put an end to them. "Hank," he heard Fowler’s voice, turning, he saw a young man in uniform behind him. "This is Detective L/N; he will also assist you in your cases." He continued. Before Hank could complain, Fowler had left the group. "Evening Lt." You give a quick nod to the older man. He groans before muttering a greeting. Connor couldn’t help but stare, you seemed.. different. Your gaze turns to the android "And who might you be?" You send a small smile his way. "My name is Connor, I’m the android sent by Cyberlife." He quickly rises from his seat, offering it to you instead. You thank him as you take a seat, hastily checking through deviant cases as Connor stands beside you.

Hank had taken both you and Connor to ‘Chicken Feed’, his favourite food truck. You stood against one of the tables with Connor as Hank stood in front of the vendor, ordering food for himself. "I don’t mean to alarm you, Detective, but I think Hank’s friends are engaged in illegal activities." You couldn’t help but chuckle at the android, this wasn’t your first time being partnered up with Hank, so you knew not to worry. "People do what they can to get by, I think it’s fine as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone." You shrug. Connor slowly nods, your laugh making his circuits buzz; he felt what he assumed, people call, butterflies? He had never felt his insides do that before and made a note to talk about it with Amanda later. You pat him on the shoulder and say, "Don’t worry ‘bout Hank; he's a bright guy." Connor felt his skin heat up at the touch, his fan speeding up as he overheated. Now he was worried. Before you could ask if he was alright, Hank had come with his meal.

It wasn’t until after you had met Kamski that you brought his behaviour up. He had chosen not to shoot Chloe, instead choosing to lose any information he could’ve gained from Kamski. You had all met back up on the bridge. Hank sat on the bench facing the river as you and Connor leaned against the railing. You looked over at the android beside you. "Why didn’t you shoot her, Connor?" You meekly asked. Connor’s face scrunched up, "I-I’m not sure, I just couldn’t." He looked down, staring at the water instead of at you. "Con" His eyes drift upward, the same butterflies rising in his chest. "You showed empathy, empathy’s a human emotion, Connor." Connor felt conflicted at that. He wasn’t a deviant; he couldn’t be. But when he looked back at you, he couldn’t get rid of the way you made him feel. The thoughts he had of you drifted through his mind, ones he knew he couldn’t pursue. Wait, feelings? Thoughts? 

The next day, Connor went to Hank’s house, determined to get an answer to how he'd been feeling. He was about to knock but saw that the door was unlocked, so instead he walked right in. "Lieutenant," he said, nodding at the man sitting down. "Jesus fucking Christ, Connor. Knock next time, god." The gruff voice echoed through the room. "Sorry, Lieutenant, it’s important." Connor takes a seat beside the rough-looking man. "Why couldn’t you go bother Y/N instead?" Connor quickly shook his head. "I was going to, but I think it involves him." Hank’s curious gaze lingers on Connor. "Go on," he insists. "My system has been acting up whenever I come into contact with Y/N." Hank’s brows furrow as he gestures for the android to continue. "My body heats up, and I feel a sort of buzzing in my chest when he speaks." He says, placing a hand to his chest, the sound of his fan overworking at the thought of the young detective. Hank chuckles before erupting in laughter. Connor tilts his head at the older man's actions.

"You’re in love, Connor."

Connor dead-panned. Love? He wasn’t in love. He wasn’t able to love; Androids aren’t able to love. His mind races over every interaction the two of you had, scanning over every detail. Shit. Maybe he was in love. "-onnor?" He’s brought back to reality by the amused Lieutenant. "It’s alright to be in love, Connor. In fact, I think he’s fallen for you too." Connor’s quick to reply, "He’s in love with me? How do you know?" Hank shakes his head. "You youngsters are so obvious it hurts." He pauses. "You should go tell him how you feel, Connor. God knows you’re not gonna get anywhere talking to me about this."

Hank was right. Connor rushed out, hearing the gruff man’s laughter as he left. He was quick to reach your house, quickly knocking. He heard a muffled "Coming" from behind the door before you opened it. Looking at you now that he knew what he’d been feeling was nerve-wracking. "Hey Connor, what’s up?" You open the door, dressed in casual clothes he hasn’t seen before. He can’t deny how good you look right now. He reprimands himself before looking into your eyes. He had never felt so nervous to speak up before. "Y/N." You nod, smiling curiously at the oddly jittery android. "Yeah Con?"

"I’m in love with you, Y/N." You choke on the breath you had taken, his straightforwardness catching you off guard. "Oh wow." You pause. "I wasn’t expecting that." You awkwardly laugh. "I, uh, I think I'm in love with you too, Connor." Connor's cheeks flush blue as he smiles. You feel yourself grin wider at the blushing android. You slowly reach a hand to his cheek and ask, "May I?" Connor’s head tilts in confusion. "Kiss you, Connor. May I kiss you?" You giggle. Connor’s eyes widen before nodding, your smiles being felt on each other's lips. Connor was the first to pull away. "Does this mean we’re together?" You take a breath before nodding. "If that’s what you would like, Con." The now blue-faced android rests his head against your chest. "Thank you, Y/N."

A/N: This is so much longer than I thought it would be, I was only expecting to write 400 words or so. I think I hit 1000 lol. Sorry if there is a lot of filler. I'm really bad at writing for Connor, sorryyy.

Masterlist

- Written by Owner 1

[iwonderwh0]

With the apparent assumption that Connor's clothes and he himself stink real bad as an aftermath of going through events of getting in and out of Jericho, the real reason Connor ended up at Hank's post canon (even if just for a day) is because

"Jesus Christ, you smell like shit. You should come over and use a shower and my washing machine. I fucking insist."

[charlestrask]

this was sick and twisted i loved it. jesus christ roman and connor. and the fucking tomshiv hug at the end. and roman trying to do... something. anything. with gerri when his dad has died. as self harm as sexual dysfunction being the literal only emotional processing he knows. conwilla im sorry i stole you away from the world. he didnt even like me im sorry what am i saying he did he did. im going crazyyyy this was great. sicko voice hahah yes!!!!

[gogogodzilla]

Chapter 12

Summary: Last chance, Reader ✧ masterlist ✧ ao3 ✧ wattpad ✧ ✧ previous chapter ✧ next chapter ✧

The weight of your sunglasses was almost agonizing against the bridge of your nose as you leaned your head against the cool glass of the backseat window. 

“Well,” Hank huffed, “that was fun, let’s do it again sometime.” 

You scoffed, “Yeah, right.” You wished you’d never left your apartment. Visiting Elijah was a mistake. 

Hank’s eyes flicked to the rearview mirror, taking you in for a split second, “Y’alright, kid?”

“Fine.” 

Your answer was quick. Too quick, and Hank could tell. You winced, preparing for Hank’s line of questioning. 

He let out a sigh, and his gaze met yours for a split second, “What’s his deal with you, anyway?” 

You were less swift with your response this time.

“His deal is that he’s a manchild who can’t handle criticism,” you crossed your arms, “He’d rather bring up the past and play mind games than stop a goddamn civil war.” 

“Speaking of the past,” Hank cleared his throat, “what was all that about his brother?”

You turned to look out the window, taking in the snowy landscape that passed by in a blur. Connor hadn’t said a word for the 20 minutes you’d been in the car. 

“You can’t tell anyone.” Your request felt childish, but you knew Gavin wouldn’t want you telling anyone his business, especially Hank. 

“Jesus Christ,” Hank lets out an exasperated laugh, “fine, I won’t tell anyone.” 

You nodded, satisfied with his answer. “Gavin and Elijah are half-brothers,” you sighed, “he doesn’t like to talk about it. I met Gavin through him when I was working at Cyberlife and the rest is shitty history.” 

“Being an asshole must run in the family.” 

You threw your head back onto the headrest as you huffed out a laugh. It sure did. You swallowed thickly, your mind moving on to your next move. There has to be some connection, you just haven’t seen it yet. 

“What do we do now?” You whispered.

Hank’s grip on the steering wheel tightened slightly, clearly grappling with the same dilemma. “We go back to the precinct and… figure it out.” 

“Good plan, Lieutenant,” you scoffed although you didn’t have a better plan. 

Connor shifted in his seat and you sat up straighter, eager to hear what he had to say. You mostly just hoped that he didn’t let Kamski’s words bother him too much. “Actually, Lieutenant Anderson may have a point. There has to be something we missed in the evidence we’ve collected so far,” he echoed your earlier thoughts. He said it like it was the most logical thing in the world. 

“I hope you’re right, Connor,” you muttered as you leaned back in your seat. 

You followed Hank into the bullpen, and Connor trailed silently behind you. Fowler barked out your and Hank’s last names and you froze in your tracks. 

“Shit,” you uttered as you made your way to Fowler’s office, Hank and Connor hot on your heels. 

You all filed into Fowler’s office, and you were sandwiched between Hank and Connor once again. 

“I know how dedicated you all are to this case,” Fowler began, sending a pointed glance in your direction and you looked away. His less abrasive tone didn’t bode well for you. You winced, preparing for whatever bad news he had to deliver. Hank crossed his arms tightly over his chest. Connor shook his head slightly beside you, almost like he was waking up. Just in time for the end. 

“You’re off the case. The FBI is taking over.”

Your eyes went wide, and you looked between Hank and Fowler, silently begging Hank to do something. 

“What?” Hank furrowed his brows, looking at you and Connor before turning his gaze back to Fowler. “But, we’re onto something! We… We just need more time. I’m sure we can—” 

Fowler cut him off, “You don’t get it. This isn’t just another investigation, it’s a fucking civil war!” 

Hank’s hands dropped to his side, “Fuck that! You can’t just pull the plug now. Not when we’re so close.” He looked back at you and you pressed your lips into a thin line. 

“Sir,” you interjected, “is there anything you can do?” You hesitated for a moment, “Please, we just need more time.” 

Fowler’s eyes softened for a moment. “There’s nothing I can do. Hank, you’re back on homicide and the android returns to Cyberlife… Doctor, your fate depends on how this turns out.” 

Your heart sank at the news. You should’ve known it was going to come to this. Androids were the reason you were here and without them…

“Yes, sir,” you croaked out and you rushed out of his office. Your heart raced, and you began to pace in front of Hank’s desk.  

Hank followed you, scowling as he sat at his desk.

Connor was quick to sit on the edge of Hank’s desk, “We can’t just give up like that. I know we could have solved this case.” You could tell he was frustrated. You were too. You hovered next to them, your back facing Fowler’s office.

“So, you’re going back to Cyberlife?” Hank queried, looking up at Connor. 

Connor sighed, briefly meeting your gaze before turning back to Hank, “I have no choice… I’ll be deactivated and analyzed to find out why I failed…” 

“They can’t just take you away,” you breathed, and your chest tightened at the thought of losing him. Cyberlife had taken enough from you. 

Connor turned to you, meeting your gaze fully. “For what it’s worth, I’ve enjoyed working with both of you… That’s not just my Social Relations program talking, I- I really mean that,” his eyes narrowed and he furrowed his brows, “at least, I think I do…” 

Movement in the background caught your eye, and you forced yourself to look away. You clenched your fists as you watched Perkins enter the precinct, “Here comes Perkins, didn’t take too long for the FBI to come swooping in like the vultures they are.” 

“I know the answer is in the evidence we collected. If Perkins takes it, it’s all over,” Connor leaned forward, attempting to convince Hank. 

Hank leaned back in his chair, “There’s no choice! You heard Fowler, we’re off the case.” 

“Oh, so now you wanna follow the rules?” You quipped, raising an eyebrow. 

Hank narrowed his eyes at you, and Connor interjected, sounding more frantic, “If I don’t solve this case, Cyberlife will destroy me.” 

“Please, Hank,” you pleaded. You resisted the urge to drop to your knees and start begging for his help. Worst-case scenario, you could just cause a distraction yourself. You wouldn't mind punching Perkins in his stupid fucking face.

Hank sighed before pushing himself up. He looked between the two of you, and you watched him with bated breath. “Key to the basement is on my desk,” he muttered and Connor stood there, frozen,  “Get a move on!” 

You lunged forward and grabbed the key off of Hank’s desk, clutching it tightly in your hand. You met Connor’s eyes and motioned for him to follow you. 

You tried to look inconspicuous as you strode toward the archive room. You pulled open the double doors and Connor quickly followed you through. You came to a halt just before the glass door with ‘Evidence Server’ glowing green across it. You turned to Connor and avoided his gaze.

“Be careful,” you thrust the key onto Connor’s chest, attempting to ignore the lump that was forming in your throat, “please.” 

He laid his hand over yours on his chest, “I will.” A grin tugged at his features as he gently pried the key from your grip. 

Quick footsteps behind you caught your attention and you whirled around, your eyes narrowing as Gavin flung open one of the doors. 

“Go,” you hissed as you pulled away and began marching toward Gavin.

You watched him disappear into the room before the muffled sounds of shouts on the other side of the wooden doors caught your attention. Hank must’ve been successful at creating a distraction. Good.

“Sweetheart?” Gavin questioned as his eyes darted from your face to the door to the evidence server. 

You grabbed the lapels of Gavin’s jacket and pushed him towards the white brick walls. He stumbled blindly backward, and you slammed him into the wall. Your grip tightened and you snarled,  attempting to look furious. Gavin raised his hands in surrender. You pressed your body close to his, hoping that it would help deter him from moving. 

“Don’t ‘sweetheart’ me.” You were kind of enjoying the charade you had going on. Of course, you were still upset with him over this morning, but you had more important things to worry about right now. 

“Fuck, sweetheart,” he breathed, letting his hands rest on top of yours. “I- I’m sorry, alright? I shouldn’t have said those things to you,” he was rambling now and his words were running together, “It’s none of my business who winds up in your bed.” 

“Damn, right,” you growled. 

He sighed before looking back at the door to the evidence room, “What the hell is going on?” 

You chewed the inside of your cheek, formulating a reply, “Just making sure I’ll still have a job in the future and, y’know, stopping a potential civil war.” 

“What the fuck have you gotten yourself into, sweetheart?” Gavin questioned, gently pushing you away from him, and you let him. 

 “Don’t worry about it, just,” you paused, dropping your arms to your sides, “don’t get in the way.” 

Gavin ran his hands through his hair before responding, “Don’t do anything stupid, okay?” 

You nodded and pulled him in for a hug. He scoffed but wrapped his arms tightly around you. You stayed like that for a few moments, before Gavin pulled away. He sauntered out of the hallway and you watched, praying that Connor could figure out where Jericho is. 

You sent a thumbs-up to the closest security camera. You thought Connor would be proud of you for scaring the daylights out of Gavin.

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

His Dark Materials Season 3 - Full Season Thoughts

When I say that I’ve been waiting for this not just for two years since S2 but also for 15-ish years since I read the book, I truly am not exaggerated, I just know that I’m going to be a MESS and bawling at the end of it.

Warning: not only for spoilers under the cut but also because I’m fangirling AND screaming a lot about this series so… yep! Be prepared!

Episode 1: The Enchanted Sleeper

I HAVE MISSED THIS SHOW SO FUCKING MUCH

AMBER SPYGLASS ADAPTATION HERE WE GO 10 YEAR OLD ME IS CRYING SCREAMING SHAKING THROWING UP

Will looking for Lyra 😭❤️

The fact that in her dream-state, the first thing Lyra asked for was Pan, and me knowing what’s coming??? Oh, this season will truly break my damn heart-

ROGER ROGER ROGER 😭😭😭😭

THE TITLE CREDITS CHANGED AND I SAW THE LAND OF THE DEAD AND HARPIES AND ALSO THE MULEFA ASDFGHJKL

DADDY ASRIEL BELACQUA IS BACK ASDFGHJKL

Stelmaria is so bloody beautiful, oh my god, Asriel truly has such a beautiful dæmon

THE GALLIVESPIANS ASDFGHJKL HOLY FUCK EVERYONE ITS ALL COMING TOGETHER

Am admittedly a little disappointed they’re not riding dragonflies or anything

ASRIEL IS WAGING HIS WAR IT’S HAPPENING

I’m so ridiculous, I fangirled seeing Ama because I was like “I REMEMBER HER FROM THE BOOK”

The BSL between Mrs Coulter and Ama omg I was not expecting that but I was literally captivated the entire time they were on-screen, 11/10 choice

Pan weakly asking Mrs Coulter to let them go 😭 also hi Kit Connor, I keep forgetting you’re the voice of Pan in this series

Why is Father Gomez… hot tho 💀

THE GAY ANGELS KISSED THIS IS GOD TIER FUCKING CONTENT GOD FUCKING BLEEEESSSSS

Baruch and Balthamos, yet another reason my heart is going to fucking shatter tonight

Ogunwe’s eldest daughter being “soulless” and Asriel explaining it by explaining his and Stelmaria’s bond and saying what happened to the girl is the same as cutting his dæmon/soul away 😭

Lyra managing to escape but she’s so weak that she didn’t get far and Marisa caught her 😔

The mother-daughter dynamic is so interesting in such a messed up way, like Marisa truly thinks what she’s doing is right and will protect Lyra but also her method of keeping her daughter safe is to drug her and keep her asleep in a cave/hideaway somewhere, truly unstable and unhealthy parenting techniques here

Ama saw her chloroforming Lyra oh my god 😦

IOREK LOOKING FOR LYRA OH MY GOD 😭 HE LOVES HER SO MUCH I LOVE ONE BEAR DAD AND HIS HUMAN DAUGHTER

Will really sliced Iorek’s helmet like it was butter, no wonder Iorek was like “nope I’m not fighting I can’t fight a knife that does that to my armour”

Not Father Gomez sniffing Mrs Coulter’s (?) dress 💀

Oh no no no not the spy fly things being sent after Mrs Coulter, Jesus H-

Marisa telling the monkey to leave her alone and he just doesn’t??? Like he wants to try and comfort her but doesn’t know how, and he doesn’t say anything but she knows what he’s thinking??? Their dynamic is so messed up, I love it

“Welcome to the Republic of Heaven, Commander” CHILLS LITERAL CHILLS

They ended the episode with an “in memory of” for Helen McCrory (the voice of Stelmaria in S1&2) and I nearly started bawling oh my god

Episode 2: The Break

“Nearly 400 years with Baruch must have mellowed me” - OH MY GOD T H E M

“We feel as one, though we are two” - THEY ARE SO…?!? THIS IS BEAUTIFUL ASDFGHJKL

“And you’ll find a way to protect the one you love” - 😭😭😭

SPYFLY?!

I know it’s been three years since the end of S1 aired and obviously the young actors grow fast, but damn is Roger’s voice deeper than when he died

“They’re hurting me” - NOOOOOOOOOO

“Just tell me where you are and I’ll find you!” “... The Land of the Dead” - FUCK ME

Lyra screaming for Roger like that, I feel so sick

Pan’s little ermine noises are so cute omg

“Where did you go? I... I couldn’t follow you there.” (Pan to Lyra) - NOT THE FORESHADOWING, JUST RUN ME THROUGH WITH A KNIFE AT THIS POINT, IT WOULD FUCKING HURT LESS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

QUEEN RUTA SKADI AAAAAAHHHHH

“It would take more than a little crash to put an end to the pair of us” - I swear to fucking god, if this is more foreshadowing-

(it’s been a few years since I read TAS, okay, give me a break if I’ve forgotten anything)

AAAHHHH MARY MALONE I MISSED YOU

Wait did she just walk into Ogunwe’s camp???

“Something happened here a few days ago and now they’re everywhere” - WHAT ARE??? IS IT THE BUZZING???

The way I tensed up seeing Marisa approach Ama jesus christ i do NOT trust that woman

Also Ama’s outfit reminded me of Lyra’s Jordan College outfit from the film, like the red pinafore and blue dress underneath I mean

ROKE??? AND HE MENTIONED LADY SALMAKIA AAAAHHHHHHH

“When is Lyra not in danger?” - LMFAO true though

“You dismiss Lyra too easily” - Exactly, thank you Stelmaria! Was not expecting her to come through for Lyra but I’m pleased!

“Eve was the Mother of Creation, Lyra is simply the creation of Marisa and I. She is not Eve, she’s a little girl” - OOF

“She must have some information they need or some skill we’ve overlooked.” “Other than being able to read the Alethiometer, she has very little, I’m afraid... other than a nose for trouble” - DAMN ALRIGHT CHILL ASRIEL

The way that Stelmaria snarled so angrily at him talking about Lyra like that oh my GOD

“What??? What would you like me to say?” “The truth.” - FUCK YEAH, Stelmaria, call out your human like that!

“There are angels above the camp” - OOH SHIT

“What are they doing?” “They’re fighting” - OH FUCK WAIT I THINK I REMEMBER THIS NO-

I AM NOT READY TO LOSE BARUCH YET NO NO NO NO FU-

“He’s leaving us” — NO FUCK OFF FUCK OFF I FUCKING CANT DO THIS TODAY-

“My Balthamos” - IM NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM THIS, NEVER, THIS IS TOO PAINFUL

HIS LAST WORD WAS “BALTHAMOS” I AM GOING TO SCREAM

Yes we got gay angels kissing but at what cOST 😭😭😭😭😭😭

BALTHAMOS FEELING IT WHEN BARUCH DIES ASDFGHJKL NO I CANNOT COPE, IM GONNA BE SICK, THIS IS SICK, PHILIP PULLMAN IM HIDING UNDER YOUR BED

“This is your fault… you forced me to come here! I wanted us to stay together, I wanted to go with him! They’ve killed him!” - literally STAB ME, it would hurt FAR less 😭

Father Gomez is so hot but he has a spider dæmon so it’s a hard no from me 🙈

“I once killed an innocent young boy in order to harness it (Dust)” - yeah, and we still haven’t FUCKIN forgiven you 

Not Asriel straight up torturing Alarbus in his Dust experimenting chamber :l though he DID kill Baruch so...

“You think you’re significant - He does not even know your name” - DAMN, what a sick burn

“We have a life in the resistance; we can read, write, learn... all those things are forbidden by the temple, especially for-” “Girls.” - oh damn. It’s obvious that this is a commentary on teachings by the church or whatever, especially how it used to be in the past. (My brain is tired so I can’t do full analysis, but I’m sure other people out there will do it better than me)

The girls wanting Mary to stay “to rest” and then asking her about why she’s looking for the girl while pouring her a drink... feels very ominous to me and I hope I’m wrong

(Spoiler alert: I was wrong)

The Magisterium straight up sending out a death squad to kill Lyra, Jesus Christ it’s almost hilarious how far gone they are that they can’t see why killing a teenage girl is wrong, like mother of sin or not, that is still a teenage girl

Will to Iorek: You attract too much attention - YOU DON’T SAY LMAO HE’S LITERALLY AN ARMOURED BEAR

Of course Balthamos knows sign language, that literally makes so much sense because he’s an angel so of course he’d know literally every language in history - and so of course he appears and translates because she can’t hear Will and he doesn’t sign. I love it

I know only a small amount of BSL but I felt so happy when I was able to read Balthamos signing “W-I-L-L” and Ama finger-signing her own name

“But no mother could possibly be this cruel.” “This mother would.” - DAAAAAAAMN

She’s growing sunroot, which is a waking medicine oh my gOD I love Ama, she is truly an icon in her own right even though she’s only in two episodes

Will smiling a little when he sees Lyra sleeping :’)

THE WAY I JUMPED AT MARISA’S VOICE OMG

“I always suspected that you were coming, but I didn’t think you’d be the first” - oh my god, she KNEW Will would come sooner or later, she knows how much he cares for Lyra

Her offering him tea and my first thought being “do NOT drink anything she gives you, do NOT do it”

“I’m keeping her here because I’m her mother, and I love her” - BITCH, you’re straight up drugging her, mother or not you are NOT showing your love in a healthy way

See, I get that she says she’s trying to keep Lyra safe because she knows the Magisterium want her dead, but like... drugging her? Keeping her there against her will? Ma’am, please-

“Because she hates me, Will, and if I woke her she’d run” - damn I’m not surprised, you’ve not exactly been the most loving of mothers at this point

“Wouldn’t your mother do the same for you? A child needs their mother. You understand that, Will. You need your mother” - oh NO, no, no, do NOT bring up Mrs Perry!!!

“And here’s the trick they never tell you: your mother needs you” - oh she’s a goddamn SNAKE

“You promise that you’re keeping her safe? That you’ll carry on keeping her safe?” - Will, nOOO do NOT leave her there

Oh, she nearly CRAPPED herself when he mentioned going to Asriel

“I have seen them together; where one goes, the other follows” - literally everyone else notices it, they’re really not subtle

“You would use your own daughter as a trap?” - yeah, no, that really doesn’t shock me at this point, the man has no fuckin morals anymore

Oh okay PHEW, Will actually has a plan and isn’t just blindly trusting Marisa, I’m resting a little easier now

“I’m counting my steps - we’ll return by them in another world” - OH SHIT HERE WE GO

Nah, that monkey is STILL giving me the chills, fucking hate that monkey so bad

“Your mind is muddled” - this episode has featured so much Stelmaria calling Asriel out, and that’s content I’m honestly living for

Marisa giving the monkey a massive rock and going “do your worst”... AND THEN SHE LOWERED HER HEAD AND HE SMACKED HER OVER THE HEAD WITH IT WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON I LITERALLY GASPED, like she clearly was telling him to do it but WHYYYYY???

Ama was so ready to go with Will and help him, we have to stan

So now Marisa looks battered and bruised...? I’m guessing she’s got some kind of plan here???

Ohhhh okay, I get her plan now: she looks all beaten up, she tells Gomez that Will has come and taken Lyra, it looks like Will has hurt her when he stole Lyra, Gomez will then hopefully leave thinking that she doesn’t still have Lyra... got it. Bit extreme to have your dæmon beat the shit out of you though

“You know, he had several hundred miles and the boundaries between worlds to cross, and yet... he still managed to get here before you. Bravo.” - LMFAO the shade

“... I am going to take Lyra now, Mrs Coulter” - Oh he didn’t fall for it in the slightest lmao he was like “well, at least you tried”

“you gave her the terrible punishment of her existence” is such a cruel line, jesus christ my dude

He’s not even trying to hide the fact that they want to murder her daughter omg

THE WINDOW IS FORMING ASDFGHJKL WILL IS COMING

Is she trying to distract Gomez so he doesn’t see Will and the knife?!? Is she actually doing something good???

Pan hopping into Will’s coat pocket omg that’s so cute I love it

THAT MONKEY IS FERAL

SHE WHACKED HIM OVER THE HEAD OH MY GOD

“Oh dear… perhaps you were right about that strength” - LMAO she’s so iconic

Not Marisa thinking she’s coming with him and Lyra 💀 I don’t know whether I feel sorry for her or not at this point

“Do you think it’s that easy to dispose of me? Is that what you do, Will? Was your mother as easily disposed of? Where did you leave her?” - ACTUALLY NAH YOU KNOW WHAT, I don’t feel sorry for her at all

His mind isn’t empty enough, she’s distracting him, he’s gonna break the knife 😭😭😭

THE KNIFE BROKE I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT DAMN

NOT HER THREATENING WILL WITH A GUN AND LYRA STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM TO PROTECT HIM

AH THE GALLIVESPIAN STINGING HER YESSSSS

The airships shooting at them and Iorek immediately jumping to defend them I’m-

“Iorek’s here?” - YES, HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH 😭

Ama jumping on that soldier and Will killing him before he can kill her I’m-

Asriel really arrived super late to the party, literally all the fighting is over and done with 💀

Ohhhh he’s seen Marisa 👀

Lyra taking Will’s hand as they lie together under the stars 😭❤️

Episode 3: The Intention Craft

I’m gonna try to keep my notes a little bit briefer because it took me two hours to watch a 57 minute episode on episode 2 :’( this is 8 hours worth of tv, it’s currently 00:20 am and we’ve only done two episodes so... yeah

NOT THE SHOT OF THE DÆMON (presumably Pan) ALONE ON A DOCK ASDFGHJKL; YALL THIS IS SICK

“Whatever happens... we’ll be together” - having read the book is both a blessing and a curse because on the one hand I’m somewhat able to prepare myself beforehand but on the other I KNOW how painful this is about to be and I can’t stand it

Oooh Marisa is Asriel’s prisoner :O

I think Asriel is enjoying having her as his prisoner a bit TOO much

The way he was right behind her, so close he was literally breathing on her neck as he tied her up... asdfghjkl;

“You could be standing here beside me, you know” - NOT THE MARISA/ASRIEL FEELS asdfghjkl

*taking her necklace in hand* “still wear this?” - ASDFGHJKL did he give that to her?? Or is it just one of those “oh you still wear this?” things???

“How could you and I have produced another Eve?” - no but same, I’m still wondering that lmfao

Not him calling Lyra a “wretched girl” and acting like it’s her fault Marisa turned up to whisk her away?!

Did they collar and chain up her monkey dæmon too??? Damn, he knows her well lmao

“You seem different.” “So do you.” “...you’re staring.” - oh my gOD

Not Salmakia spying on them :’) “I haven’t been hiding, you just haven’t been looking” LMAO

“How do I know you won’t cut into another world?” - umm because the knife’s broken??? It ain’t cutting shit right now

Ahhh she’s got her Alethiometer back! All is right with the world :3

“Since he’s died, I’ve done none of the things he’s asked me to do” - awww Will :(

Are we gonna meet the Mulefa this episode? The next one? :O

“Because Roger’s dead body was in a cage! In a cage that he made, he killed him!” - when she puts it like that, I’m not shocked she wants nothing to do with Asriel anymore, damn

“to work alongside a murderer?!” - 1) Will is a murderer? 2) The reason she trusted Will was because the Alethiometer told her he was a murderer?? But I get what she means

I don’t like when Will and Lyra argue :( 

“Lyra is pushing him to do things he doesn’t want to do.” “Oh, she is her mother’s daughter!” “You don’t trust her?” “She’s also mine.” - LMFAO TRUE ENOUGH

The device Asriel is using to communicate with Salmakia with is so cool omg

Father MacPhail really just sitting there in the dark all like “where have you gone??” I think he’s losing it a little

RED PANDA PAN AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

“You’re not always right, you know that?” - LMAO I love Lyra and Pan so much

“Your father was right about you - you are insufferable” - OOF DAMN

NOT THEM LEADING THE MONKEY ON A CHAIN LIKE A DOG 

At least they gave her new clothes I guess?

“I have been the worst mother in the world” - NO SHIT

“I didn’t think of her for years - and if I did, it was only to regret the embarrassment of her birth, the humiliation-” “Ridiculous! I have never understood why a child born of our love should be a humiliation!” “An illegitimate child and a murdered husband! That is quite something to carry on my back” -- Damn, this trial literally just became a couple’s counselling session for Marisa and Asriel??? And Asriel straight up admitting he loved her??? That they loved each other??? 

I will not ship them, I will NOT ship them, I WILL NOT-

“What if Iorek’s not there?” “He wouldn’t leave without me” - AND WE ALL KNOW IT ASDFGHJKL

“I know it wasn’t real, but once or twice I woke up and she was holding me... never been held before” - I’M NOT CRYING YOU ARE-

IOREK AND LYRA REUNITING, HER HUGGING HIM IM SOBBING ACTUALLY I LOVE ONE GIRL AND ONE BEAR-

There’s something very special to me about Lyra sitting against Iorek’s flank, I can’t explain how soft it is

“Huh, still a Silvertongue” - asdfghjkl; he’s the one who gave her that name, it’s literally a title he bestowed on her, I love it :’)

Oh no, is Dr Cooper the one from Bolvanger??? Am I remembering correctly???

“Ah yes... you always were easily impressed by what he made” - DAMN I should NOT have cackled like I did

I can’t get over how charged the scenes between Asriel and Marisa are, my goodness-

“The inventor of hideous machines, capable of tearing children apart” - you’re one to talk, remember what you did to Roger????

“But along comes some foul mouthed arrogant little brat with dirt under her fingernails, and ohhh you can love her! You cluck and you settle your feathers over her like a mother hen-” - JESUS I’M-...?!?

The way he slammed her up against the intention craft after she spat at him, his hand on her face... I thought they were gonna kiss, holy SHIT

“Every hideous thing that you’ve done in his name... and it was all a lie” - DAMN, this episode is cutting so deep in all the best ways

It’s the way I know what’s going to happen, I know the knife is fixed, and yet I’m still nervous

“Find what matters!” *glances to Lyra* - oh they are NOT slick, they’re so obvious about this and I’m all for it

Imagine being Will and waking up to see a massive looming bear standing over you, omfg

YAY, the knife is fixed! (I knew it would be but still) I love that it looks more twisted, at least in my opinion

“You will always be a welcome visitor to Svalbard, and the same is true to you, Will. You are worthy of each other. Goodbye, Lyra Silvertongue - I hope we do meet again one day.” - NOT ME CRYING OVER AN ARMOURED BEAR’S RELATIONSHIP WITH A GIRL

Now why is Asriel showing the prisoner angel to Marisa, no good will come of this-?

“He’s beautiful.” “Everyone’s beautiful.” - this plus the way he keeps leaning and shit around her... at this point, everything Asriel has done this episode just straight up seems like him flirting with Marisa lmao

Eyyyy Balthamos is back!!!

Balthamos: so, you ready to go to Asriel yet? // Will: LOL sorry nope 

And just as soon as he was back, he went away again :O

“my mum’s always said if a friend needs help, you should give it” - Will Parry is his mother’s son through and through :’)

“That no doubt depends.” “On what?” “What Asriel does to him.” - oh god he’s gonna fucking kill that angel and cause more chaos, I can feel it

NOT ASRIEL AND MARISA TEAMING UP TO TORTURE THE ANGEL AND DESTROY HIM

Damn even Marisa looks kinda freaked out by Asriel torturing the fucking angel oh my god

LMAO SHE RAN SO FAST TO THE INTENTION CRAFT 

“Goodbye Asriel” should NOT have hit me so hard, oh my goodness

Yeah, no, I don’t think the knife can cut through to the land of the dead? Which makes sense all things considered

OH, the last world he could cut to before the land of the dead is the desert wasteland one from Lyra’s dreams! :O

Pan like “wait, this doesn’t feel safe” and backing away whimpering :’(

IS THE SAD THING GONNA HAPPEN NEXT EPISODE NO NO NO I CANT HANDLE IT

I thought we’d have until like episode 6 or something :’(

Episode 4: Lyra and Her Death

Judging from the title of this episode... FUCK I AM NOT READY WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’RE AT THIS POINT ALREADY

(If it’s not this episode then it’ll probably be the next one, either way I’m not READY)

Pan: *whimpering* // Lyra: Pan, stop that - :’(

“Then where are everyone’s dæmons?” “We’ve been in plenty of worlds without dæmons before, just get in my pocket and we’ll be fine.” “There are people here who should have dæmons but don’t.” - PAN IS GONNA MAKE ME SOB THIS EPISODE ASDFGHJKL

Not Marisa running straight back to the Magisterium jesus christ girl why

“Good. This is good.” - NO IT FUCKING ISN’T LYRA

“How long do we wait?” “Until you die, of course!” - well, I mean, it IS the land of the dead so...

I genuinely cannot tell what is going on in Gomez’s head at this point O_o he’s so creepy

“Somewhere out there is a tempter, a serpent, and I had to keep them from meeting” - but here’s the thing: the angel told Mary that she was to play the role of serpent, and she and Lyra have already met. But also, Marisa maybe thinks the serpent is Will, which adds a whole new layer to this whole situation???

“And the way he (Asriel) is fighting, Hugh... it’s is terrifying” - oh look, me and Marisa agree on something for once!

“Sometimes your devotion is hard to read” - lmao true

“You have my mind, my body, and my soul (...) He could never resist temptation, whereas you... your abstinence is magnificent” - exCUSE ME WHAT MARISA????

I deadass thought he was about to try and force himself on her then

“Remember what we did together... our lives are entwined” - UMMMM??? I’m not the only one reading into that in a slightly sexual way, right??

Who knew that the waiting area in the land of the dead was like your everyday doctor’s waiting room, complete with grating elevator music??

I both want to know what’s in the chest Gomez gave Marisa and I also do not want to know O_o “it’s how we found you, a kind gift”?

Is there some generational mother-daughter trauma theme going on here or...? Because she said “mother” and he said “she was only too happy to help”, and her response was “of course she was”?

Is Mary in the Mulefa world right now???

“Feels like we’re in a horror film.” “... Why would you want to watch a film that makes you feel horrible?” “...You make a good point.” “I like the film with the bear.” - ASDFGHJKL, THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION XD Also the reference back to S2 where they were watching Paddington omg

“Everyone has a Death. Goes everywhere with them, all their life long.” (Lyra: Isn’t that scary?) (Larissa(?): Not at all, dear. It’s natural) “From the moment you’re born... your Death comes into the world with you. And it’s your Death that takes you out. There’s love in that.” - Pan’s little face :’(

“When you’re ready, they say it’s beautiful. Your Death says, ‘easy now, easy child, you come along with me’. And you go with them, to the boat and the boatman.” - not me getting emotional over the talk of death, fuck me-

Pan retreating back into Lyra’s pocket sadly, like he KNOWS he won’t be allowed to go with them, I hate it here-

DAMN, Marisa slaying in that purple dress with heels, holy shit-

“If you won’t stop...” “You’ll do what, exactly?” *dramatic music stops* “... I’ll fetch support.” “Good. We all need support.” - BAHAHAHAAHAHA This show is a fucking comedy at times oh my god

The fact that any part of the dæmon guillotine design is being reused is horrendous, let alone as a fuckin BOMB

“*casually* Oh. They’re here for me.” - LMAO

“Wait: can we talk about this?” - Will asking the REAL questions here omg let’s not do this please

Lyra: You were on my side. // Pan:... I thought I was by your side.” - STOP RIGHT NOW FUCK YOU

Lyra’s Death is there?!?! And she’s just leaving Will?!

Pan running after Lyra as she walks with her Death, I’m about to sob

Not them taking a lock of Lyra’s hair from Marisa while she sleeps??? And her sending Roke after Gomez, she was pretending to be asleep asdfghjkl

They’re using the lock of Lyra’s hair that Marisa has kept to aim the bomb at Lyra?!? Jesus fucking Christ, and they still think they’re the good guys here???

“I’m always here. I’ve followed you your entire life. I am a special devoted friend who’s been beside you every moment of your life. Who knows you better than anyone. Who knows you better than even you know yourself.” - oh shit

Also Pan being like “that’s not true!”, like he’s so offended by her Death saying that when he’s right there

If I remember correctly, wasn’t Lyra’s Death male in the book? Or...?

“I don’t want to be exceptional. Maybe once I did. My parents... that’s all they care about. I just want to be good. I just want to help someone, and Roger needs me... and I wasn’t there the last time he needed me.” - oh my heart is hurting so bad right now because in S1E02 I’m pretty sure she said to Pan that no one ever thought they’d be exceptional etc, and also the fact she still feels guilt for Roger’s death :’(

I’ve spent 15 years trying to imagine what a mulefa looks like... and now finally I know! Oh my goodness?!?! And it brought Mary food?!?

“You take me into the BEST places, you know that?” - LMAO Will’s so funny when he wants to be

“What else is there left to do?” Oh, I don’t know, Doctor Cooper, maybe NOT make a fricking bomb??? Also eyyyy Roke stung her!

“Arrogance. Sheer arrogance. I underestimated them” - yeah, no kidding, Marisa

Oof Marisa’s on a damn warpath, she’s gonna destroy the Magisterium and I’m so here for it

“What if we don’t come back?” “Then we’ll have died doing something important” - I’m way too emotional for this episode, I’m already losing my mind and emotions and I know it’s just going to get worse and worse :’(

Marisa calling out MacPhail as a sinner oh this is delicious the tea is so delicious today

“You have no right here; you are a wanton woman who has always wanted what she didn’t have. Your husband was killed by your lover, the heretic Asriel, and your illegitimate child was abandoned until she became sin itself.” - OH DAMN

“You will address me as Father President or Your Grace” - damn, man is on a freaking power trip?!?!

“I’m sorry? This is where your loyalty lies? Not with that above? Not with truth but with power?” - Marisa is spilling ALL the truth today oh my lord she did not come to play around

“This is all you really are: an incoherent, emotional woman. Why should anyone trust you? You can barely string a sentence together” - OH YOU LIL BITCH I’M ABOUT TO THROW THESE HANDS

He took her locket?!? 

“And when we sever your dæmon, you will be the bullet to kill Lyra Belacqua and to save us all from sin” - on the one hand, isn’t it ironic that her own dæmon severing technology is about to be used on her? But on the other, this man is one cruel motherfucker and I’m raging right now, FUCK this dude

“Take her to the cells... and bring her dæmon to me” - nah man, I’m about to be sick, fuck these motherfuckers. Fucking MEN, AM I RIGHT

Oh no. Oh no no no we’re at the docks and Pan is whimpering already I’m not strong enough today for this-

“I’m sorry, one of your party is unsuitable for travel at this time” - NO NO NO NO NO NO NO-

“We have to follow the rules. A pain, but necessary. No passage. Not for him.” “But he is me.” “If you come, he must stay.” “I don’t think you understand, if we separate we die.” “But isn’t that what you want?” - I’m really about to be crying at 2:30am over Lyra and Pan again aren’t I????

Pan running away because he knows Lyra will follow and he thinks it will stop it from happening, my HEART

“No, that’s not right, I don’t leave part of myself behind, why should she?” “Yes, you do, absolutely, you do. It’s her misfortune - or luck - to be able to see and talk to the part she must leave. You will not know until you are in the water, and by that time fortunately - or unfortunately - it will be too late for you to do anything about it. But you must all leave that part of yourselves here.” - NO NO NO NO NO I’m just going to keep chanting it until it stops fUCK

“We’re gonna get on the boat. Don’t worry.” “Lyra, you’re not listening to him, he won’t let us.” - AND LYRA BRINGING PAN ON THE BOAT TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM :’(((( she even tries to pull the thing herself but she can’t, I’m siCK-

“We can’t separate... we can’t...” :( :( 

“I’ve taken millions across... none have come back.” “We will. You don’t know Lyra and you don’t know me, but we’ll find a way. Another way. So since we’re doing that, be kind, boatman. Let her take her dæmon.” - Will trying so hard to get them to take Pan, even brandishing the knife, but it’s not happening asdfghjkl

“How many ages do you think I’ve been ferrying people? Do you think if anything could hurt me, it wouldn’t have happened already? You think the people I carry come with me gladly?! No, they struggle, they cry, they bribe, they threaten, they fight! Nothing works!” - :(

The entirety of the Lyra and Pan exchange had me outloud sobbing, clutching my chest in pain, I’ve got to share it all with you...

Lyra: I don’t want you leave you here.

Pan: We can still turn around.

Lyra: But I can’t not do this.

Pan: You can, Lyra.

Lyra: What about Roger? And Sal? They never got a chance to grow up.

Pan: But it’s not Roger and Sal, is it? Roger’s dead, and Sal is gone! And it won’t be Lyra and Pan, you’re leave me here, alone! What will I do?

Lyra: But our dreams…

Pan: I didn’t have those dreams! They were your dreams, I didn’t even want to come here! This is your choice!

Lyra: But we’re together…

Pan: Not if you do this.

Lyra: Please… I can’t betray Roger. It’s my fault he’s dead and now he needs me.

Pan: I need you too! Why can’t you see that? … Where will I go?

Lyra: I’ll find you… okay? I will go to the Land of the Dead and I’ll come back, and I’ll find you. I’m not leaving you… ‘Kay? I’m not leaving you, not forever. Will and me will find a way out of here, and we’ll go to Asriel’s, somehow you’ve got to get there too, but I have to do this.

Pan:… Then you’ve made up your mind. You’ve chosen Roger over me.

Lyra: No, Pan… please don’t, don’t… please… there’s no other way. I’ve got to… I love you.

Pan:… Just… go.

The way Lyra turned her head to watch him, the way Pan came up to the very edge of the dock and started crying, the two of them watching each other as they drifted further and further apart, the soundtrack... I am a fucking MESS

“My heart...” 😭💔

Lyra’s pained screams oh my GOD and Will holding her I’m not OKAY

Episode 5: No Way Out

My heart is already broken from last episode, I don’t know how much worse I can feel at this point 😭

Oh good, we’re starting with mulefa hijinks! (Sort of)

Mary stopping and having a moment of “what am I doing?… following a talking elephant” 🤣

IT SKATING AROUND ON PODS ASDFGHJKL

Lyra and Will: *having literally the worst times of their lives* // Mary: *playing with the Mulefa and living her best life*

The Mulefa having their own language oh my god and the orange subtitles fading to the white English ones omg because she’s learning their language

Baby Mulefa 😭❤️

Oof we’re right back to pain 🤡

“What does it feel like, being this far away from him? From Pan?” “It’s like an iron hand is gripped around my heart and is yanking it out between my ribs.” “And it’s mental too, right? As if some private secret thing’s been dragged out into the open?” “…yeah.” — 😭

“You know, you always said I must have a dæmon and I never believed you… and now it feels like I’ve known her my whole life. Maybe she’s with Pan now.” - ASDFGHJKL KIRJAVA IS COMING IM-

“Wait. If my dæmon’s still at the jetty, can you give him a message?” “I can tell you now, he won’t be.” 😭😭😭😭

Oooh Land of the Dead here we go!

I’m still curious as to why exactly Marisa and the monkey can separate so far? Have they already been intercised or something? Like they can REALLY go far from each other 🤔

“They intend to sever you from your dæmon!” “… Good.” — EXCUSE ME MARISA???? She really hates the little thing doesn’t she, damn

“It’s not made of rock… it’s made of people’s things” - oh damn

Oh my gosh the dead 😭

“They don’t like it if we talk to each other.” “Who don’t?” - OH SHIT THE HARPIES

The little dead children talking about their dæmons 😭 “Mine was called Sandling. He used to think he’d be a bird, but I hoped he wouldn’t because I liked him all furry.” “My Kasta used to curl up in my hand and go to sleep.” “Mine was called Matapan” 😭😭

Not MacPhail going to touch the monkey but being interrupted by Father Gomez schooling him on how it’s forbidden 💀

HE JUST SLAPPED GOMEZ OMG

Nooo not her losing Will

NOT HER THINKING SHE SEES PAN NOOO ITS NOT REAL

“You left me on the jetty to die (…) I’ve always known deep down how selfish you are. You really believe you’re here for Roger - you already killed him. You came here for you, to assuage your guilt, to play the hero” - 😭😭😭😭 I know it’s not really Pan but still my heART

ROGER 😭💔

“I missed you. I’m so sorry, about everything. I should have let you go with the Gyptians and the kids… I shouldn’t have taken you to Asriel. If I’d have let you go, you wouldn’t be here, would you? You’d be…” “It wasn’t your fault. I wanted to go with you.” — 😭 my heart is a literal mess I’m blubbering

“Stop it! You think I want to go back to the real world? Like this?” - oh Roger…

Will not being able to cut a window out and it sounding like the knife is being grated over rock 😳

NOT THE HARPIES THIS IS NIGHTMARE FUEL IM-

“What kind of son abandons his own mother?” - SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP-

“You have destroyed the lives of everyone you’ve ever cared for… you’ve come here for you, to feel special… if only Will had never met you” - I would very much like to go back to Jordan College and rooftop adventures now thanks-

“I thought about us, and everything we’ve been through… I didn’t let them get into my head” 😭❤️💔

Not Fra Pavel deducing that Mary is the serpent and she’s in another world, and now Gomez is going to go after her 💀

Oh damn, the imagery of the snake and Eve painting(?) in the background as Gomez prepares himself

I SAW A GLIMPSE OF AMBER IS IT- IS IT TIME FOR THE SPYGLASS

MARY IS MAKING THE SPYGLASS THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD COMING TOGETHER

Oh. My. God. The view through the lens of Dust… ‘Sraf’ is Dust… oh my god. This is beautiful. The colours are beautiful.

“The trees are dying.” “And so are we.” 😭

“What do you remember about Jordan? You remember it, don’t you?” “… Jordan’s gone.” - stop that right nOW

Not the flashback to the very first episode of them in the cellar drinking Tokay 😭

The light appearing as they remember Jordan College together, talking about the roof and the rook with the broken leg 😭❤️ and all the dead people coming to listen, I’m gonna start bawling all over again

Lyra and Will speaking to the crowd and promising to try to get them out of this horrible world, rallying them 😭

“What will happen to us if we leave?” “I don’t know.” “You don’t know? If I will or won’t be able to see my son again?” “We can’t know until it happens - I’m not gonna lie or pretend. But in here, it’s just thoughts; out there, real things matter.”

“When we were alive, they told us that when we died, we’d go to Heaven. That’s why so many of us gave our lives, and spent years in prayer and silence, and all the joy of life went to waste around us. I don’t care what happens to us when we leave - anything is better than this.” - damn, this series really said fuck religion and fuck the church making people spend their lives in servitude/repenting for sins they haven’t even done

Damn, the harpies are NOT happy

“Will you tell us some stories? So we can remember too? Real things.” Ohh no, no, I will not cry over this, I will not cry over Lyra and Roger talking about Jordan College-

“I won every time.” “No she didn’t, she cheated every time” - yep, sounds like Lyra to me

Lyra recounting how she made the omelette with the shells in for Will 🤣

Lyra talking about Iorek 😭❤️

I have absolutely no love for that blasted monkey but seeing him all sad in the cage as they’re about to be severed… definitely made me feel sad, can’t believe I feel sorry for him

It looks like Marisa’s been strapped to an electric chair, like she’s about to be executed, and the imagery of that is 👌🏻

“When we created this technology together, you believed you were doing the right thing - we all did. But we were wrong. It has to stop.” - Damn, you don’t say! Of course it was wrong to sever children, glad you see that finally-

“Do not explain my own technology to me.” - OOF

“You still have time to repent - let me give you your final blessing” - MAN DO NOT FUCKIN TOUCH HER YOU FREAK

“Keep your hands off me… there’s too much blood on them for that.” - DAMN, MARISA

Everyone listening to Lyra’s stories 😭❤️

“… But you felt safe with Mr Scoresby. He was the first grown up I ever trusted.” - STOP THAT RIGHT NOW IM ALREADY CRYING I DONT NEED TO CRY AGAIN

“I will come with you. We… We will come with you.” - YESSSS

HOLY FUCK THE HARPY DESIGN IS SICKENINGLY HORRIFYING DEAR GOD AND THE WAY IT WENT RIGHT UP TO LYRA’S FACE

“What’s your name? You must have one.” “… No-Name.” - Oh gosh I think I remember more of the book now hang on

LEE SCORESBY AHHHHHHHH

LEE AND LYRA HUGGING 😭❤️ MY HEART I CANNOT BEAR THIS

LYRA DIDNT KNOW LEE DIED 😭 and he thought she was dead but he was so relieved she wasn’t 😭

“You found the Knife Bearer - you beat the shaman to it. Lyra Silvertongue, just when I thought you couldn’t blow my little mind enough times” - 😭❤️ I missed Lee so much ASDFGHJKL

IS THAT METATRON??? ENOCH??? OH MY GODDDDD

“If she had only stayed with us, and given her life to the Authority as she once intended, she would now be on the path to the kingdom” - oh my god MacPhail shut the fuck UP

Come on rOKE HURRY UP AND SAVE HER

NOT THE INTERCISION MACHINE V2 AND THE MONKEY LOOKING SCARED

Dr Cooper having second thoughts omg

SHE STOPPED IT LAST MINUTE OH GOD THE GASP I LET OUT

“… I will not be a part of this (…) I will not hurt her.” - YES DOCTOR DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE

FATHER MACPHAIL STRAIGHT UP MURDERED DR COOPER HOLY SHIT-

The Church REALLY are not coming across well here

NO NOT ROKE LEAVE HIM ALONE

KILL HIM MARISA KILL THAT BASTARD RELIGIOUS MAN

OKAY BUT YES ALSO TURN OFF THE MACHINE PLEASE DESTROY IT IF YOU CAN I CANT BREATHE THIS IS TOO TENSE

FATHER MACPHAIL COMMITTING SUICIDE AND SACRIFICING HIMSELF HES FUCKING INSANE IM SORRY THE HATRED HE HAS FOR LYRA IS THAT STRONG???

Thank FUCK she stopped the machine last minute although I kinda wish MacPhail had died lmao

THE LIGHT HOLY CRAP-

“You think Dust can make you Gods… let use see how you fare without it.” - OH SHIT OH SHIT

THE MACHINE SEVERED MACPHAIL AND HIS DAEMON AND SHE DISAPPEARED

NOOOOO NOT THE BOMB NOT THE BOMB TELL ME THAT AINT THE BOMB-

I know she’s not dead, I’ve read the book, plus there’s still 3 episodes left, I’m still freaking out though

Episode 6: The Abyss

Three more episodes and then it’s all over 😭 I don’t know if I’m ready for it to be honest

“In the beginning, Man was given the gift of Dust. It ignited his mind and freed his will. But that free will has corrupted mankind. Dust shall be drawn into eternal darkness once more… That which was given shall be taken away.” - oh my gOD what a narration to start an episode Jesus Christ (pardon the pun)

Marisa dragging herself across the floor to get to Lyra’s hair???

Please tell me Roke isn’t dead 😭 (spoiler: he is)

Marisa going to Fra Pavel with the hair and asking him to consult the Alethiometer on whether or not Lyra survived 😭

I still get chills at the opening theme, ngl, like we’re three whole series in and I’m STILL feeling chills seeing the opening credits

Eyyyy Serafina Pekkala!!!

The earth is literally crumbling apart and Asriel’s laughing 🫢

MARISA AND THE MONKEY ARE BACK AT ASRIEL’S

Stelmaria just being like “… It’s her”, as if there’s only one “her”

“She’s dead, Asriel. Lyra is dead.” - NOOOOOO OH NO NO NO

Nahh Asriel is so unbothered about Lyra being dead???

“Would you like me to tell you how your daughter died, or would you prefer to keep tinkering with your toys?” “If what you’re saying is true, I’m very sorry. But what I’m doing here is of the utmost importance - it’s going to change everything.” - DUDE YOUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD (or so it’s thought at the moment) HOW ARE YOU SO UNBOTHERED

Like we knew he was a shit father but YIKES

Marisa straight up telling Asriel it’s his fault their daughter is dead because he pissed off Metatron with his war crime, she disabled the bomb but the light triggered it… DAMN. Just… damn.

“You’ve taken my daughter from me… and I will never forgive you.” - ☹️😔

Roger trying to wake Lyra up 😭 thankfully she does wake but still-

Stelmaria telling Asriel he shouldn’t go down there, it’s reckless… Mate, listen to your fucking dæmon once in a while please, she got all the sense the two of you possess and you’ve got none I fear-

WHAT’S HAPPENING TO RUTA’S DÆMON HE DROPPED LIKE A STONE INTO THE ABYSS (the one where Asriel is)

“He can’t hear me…” “Stay with him” “I can’t stop him, the darkness is drawing him in…” - NO NO NO NO

Noooo SERGEI (her dæmon) DIED AND SO DID RUTA FUCK SAKE MAN

Lyra and Lee hugging again because they’re so happy to see each other okay 😭❤️ truly a better father to her than her own one ever was

Is there an abyss in each of the worlds? 🤔 because there’s one in the land of the dead too as well as where Asriel is

Will panicking because he’s scared he won’t be able to get these people out, and Lyra taking his face in her hands, “Look at me, look at me, look at me… it’s fine. We’re going to get out of here. It’s just… this chasm. I can feel it too. Look at me.” 😭

Lee whooping when Lyra jumped that chasm, we love a proud father!

Roger and Will disagreeing over who should go next and Lee just doing it instead 😂

“I am Serafina Pekkala, Queen of the Lake Enara clan, and I demand to know what happened to my sister” - YES WITCH QUEEN 👑

“It pains me to tell you both that what happened to Ruta was not death, but worse again. That abyss out there is a rupture in the multiverse, sucking all Dust deep down inside the void between the worlds. I bore witness to her dæmon Sergei falling inside… and it is my belief, that no being, flesh or Dust, will ever emerge from its darkness.” “… so there will be no peace for her? Part of her soul, forever falling… forever in limbo…” — NOPE, NO, NOOO 😭💔 poor Ruta I hate it here

(Turning to Asriel) “… You did this.” “No.” “Your arrogance, PLAYING WITH FORCES YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF!” - SHIT SHES RIGHT THOUGH

Sorry, what the FUCK are those things beneath them with the glowing eyes???

“We’ve seen worse. Do you remember when we freed the kids from Bolvanger? And then the three of us and Iorek squashed into Lee’s balloon and just flew away?” - lmao bless

“Iorek’s this armoured bear-.” “I know who he is, I’ve met him.” - damn, there’s some tension here between Roger and Will? Or is it just me?

“Can’t imagine him (Iorek) in a balloon though” - LMFAO

“It wasn’t just any balloon… it was a real beauty” - DAMN RIGHT IT WAS LEE

Is Will a little jealous of Lyra and Roger walking together and reminiscing or…???

“Hey, did I ever tell you about the crazy shaman who made me a bacon sandwich?” - OH MY GOD LEE 😂 (also it’s been a while since S2, but I think he’s talking about John Parry???)

Marisa really thinks she’s allowed to just leave 💀

Marisa telling Ogunwe that Lyra is dead, and him saying “Asriel didn’t tell me”, it hits hard because he has daughters of his own and I just know he’s probably confused because surely Asriel would have mentioned his own child dying but nOPE

Marisa yelling at the monkey to come and he just… doesn’t? He just walks away? Their dynamic is so interesting but in a messed up way

Will is looking for his father and he wants to be sure that his father will find his way out 😭

Lee realising that Will is the shaman’s son oh my GOD?!? And he thinks he has a way to summon him??? Oh I love Lee so much

“Are you sure about this?” - Stelmaria asking the only real questions

IOREK!!! 🐻‍❄️

IOREK STRAIGHT UP SMACKING ASRIEL DOWN WHEN HE APPROACHED LMFAO I LOVE HIM

Wait this is SVALBARD??? All the ice and snow has disappeared?!? And it’s all Asriel’s fault?!?

“My bears starve because you blew a hole in the sky!” - oh shit!

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t KILL YOU!” “LYRA SILVERTONGUE!” “Why do you speak to me of her?” “You renamed her. You loved her. Tell me of her.” “She is everything you are not.” “Perhaps I should have known her better. But she is gone, and if you kill me now she will never be avenged.” — this whole exchange 😭 Iorek loves Lyra so much, Asriel saying he should have known her better (no shit, sir)…

“You do not understand. Lyra went to the Land of the Dead.” “The Land of the…?” “Yes. But she walked in the line.” “How did she enter that place?” “With the knife.” “The knife is broken.” “I fixed it. She went after her friend, Roger.” “… the kitchen boy.” “Another reason why I should kill you!” - IOREK GETS IT ASDFGHJKL HE’S A BETTER FATHER THAN ASRIEL EVER WAS FUCK ASRIEL WE ONLY LOVE IOREK AND LEE AS FATHER FIGURES NOW

Asriel laughing because “my daughter is staging a prison break” 💀

NOOO NOT LYRA FALLING INTO THE ENDLESS ABYSS

THE HARPY SAVING LYRA FROM FALLING INTO THE ABYSS HOLY SHIT

Marisa telling Serafina about torturing that witch in detail, Jesus CHRIST, she literally wants Serafina to kill her at this point :( but Serafina sees right through it of course

“If you won’t do it out of anger… then please just do it out of mercy.” - 😭 now why am I sympathising with Marisa

“Love… makes us fragile in ways we cannot fathom.” “I didn’t love Lyra. I wasn’t able to” - SURE you didn’t love her, Marisa 🙄

“Even my own dæmon rejects me” - yeah no can’t say I blame him honestly

Serafina talking about how she lost her son that she had with Farder Coram 😭 and how Lyra gave her hope

“When I first heard that prophecy, it terrified me. (…) Because I was always taught to believe that Eve was guilty of something shameful.” - yep, religion will do that to you!

“All Eve did was dare to experience - it’s an act of bravery. Of great beauty. You were a monster, but look what experience did to you… what love did. It changed you.” - oh my god the religion criticism is on point today holy crap

Will hugging Lyra and asking if she’s okay 😭❤️

Lyra wanting to give the harpy a name to thank it 😭

“Names can’t just be given!” “Mine was… by a friend.” - exactly, Lyra!

“Gracious-Wings.” — … Interesting name, Lyra but okay

“You can’t take it back now!” - I have NO intention to and neither does Lyra 😳

The harpies kinda do make me sad because like… they don’t have names. They’re frightening to look at. They live in the land of the dead. They’re trapped just as much as the ghosts are, and feared for how they look which probably contributes to their behaviour. So Lyra showing some kindness must be a brand new experience for them.

“You cannot tell the story of my name if you do not get out.” “… You like stories, don’t you? True ones.” - ohhhhhhhhh I get it! Awww, so Gracious-Wings wants Lyra to escape, not only because she’s been listening to her stories but also because Lyra can then tell the living about Gracious-Wings and the truth that she’s not so scary/completely evil, so maybe people when they die will be less afraid to meet her? Idk

“True stories are nourishing. They feed us, we had no idea there was anything but lies and wickedness.” “If those who follow behind tell you everything they saw in the world, everything true… could you guide them here so they could be set free?” - god I forgot how deep and clever this whole section was in the book

“Do not lie to me.” “I won’t.” - for once, I actually do believe she’s telling the truth

“Do we have a deal? The prisoners’ safe passage in exchange for their stories?” - YESSS OMG

“It’s alright, they’re going to help us! Just tell them your stories - stories from your lives, and they’ll guide you up. Tell them stories.” - nahhh I’m not crying you are 😭

Asriel telling Marisa Lyra is still alive but she doesn’t believe him at first 😭

“It makes sense: the Authority cows us with the threat of heaven or hell but even that was a lie, it’s all purgatory.”

“Please… my heart won’t take it.” - this woman has gone through so much, she’s not a good person but damn she’s gone through a lot

“You said yourself, she’s extraordinary… to free a soul from the Land of the Dead” - well you’ve changed your fucking tune

“The witches prophecy… they believe two things about Lyra: that she is Eve, and she will defeat Death. (Smiling/Laughing) That’s what she’s doing. The prophecy is right. We must help her, Asriel.” - ASRIEL AND MARISA ACTUALLY WORKING TOGETHER FOR REAL THIS TIME?!? Like actual parents?!? Who’d have thought 😭

“There’s someone here to see you.” - LEE BROUGHT JOHN PARRY TO WILL IM CRYING ALL OVER AGAIN ARE YOU SERIOUS

“I hate fighting. I’m not who you want me to be.” “No… no, you’re so much more.” - AND THEN THE HUG 🥹😭

“All this time, I thought that when we eventually found each other… we could go back to Oxford together.” “I did too.” - 😭😭😭 they deserve so much better, I can’t-

“If we get out of this awful place…” “We won’t be going the same way.” 😭

I’m sorry, okay, this whole episode is just one big CRYFEST AT THIS POINT

Lyra saying she thought Roger was braver than her 😭

“I don’t even know if I can do anything. I’m just so tired, and my chest…” “Because you’re away from your dæmon. Separation across worlds weakens your bond, Will. She’s pining for you.” “How do you know?” “I guided her to Asriel’s republic. As soon as you release these ghosts, you must cut through and find her, Will.” - KIRJAVA IS COMING WE’RE GOING TO MEET KIRJAVA ASDFGHJKL

“Don’t try to live in a world that’s not your own. No matter how tempting it may seem. You and your dæmon… you won’t survive it.” “But you did.” “No. I felt it, like an ache, every day. Don’t make the same mistake that I did. You deserve a full life with your mother.” 😭❤️ but also foreshadowing what will happen at the end of the series I feel unwell-

“What will happen to you?” “The same that will happen to every soul trapped down here: I’ll be free. I’ll be connected again to every living thing, thanks to you.” - Damn, right in the feels 😭

John telling Will he’s so proud of him and them hugging 😭❤️💔

Serafina saying she’s gonna send Kaisa to search for Pan because she knows that Pan can’t enter the Land of the Dead and so he’ll still be there, I’m so ready!!

“If it is true, and Lyra is going to free the dead, she and Will will have achieved something remarkable… far beyond your rebellion. Lyra is your focus now. Do not fail her.” — YESSSSSSS come on Asriel and Marisa, be good parents for once

WILL DID IT HE CUT A WINDOW OUT OF THE LAND OF THE DEAD AHHHH, and it’s opened out onto a beautiful paradise ❤️

“My dad said you’ll be free. You’ll drift apart, but you’ll be out in the open - connected with everything to love.” - 😭❤️

ROGER SAYING HE’LL GO FIRST ASDFGHJKL AND LYRA SAYING SHE’LL MISS HIM SO MUCH

“You’ll be okay. I know you will. You’ve saved your best friend. When you go back to Jordan, go to the roof for me.” - AND THE FOREHEAD TOUCH 😭❤️

“I’m ready” 😭😭😭 GOODBYE ROGER

AND THEN LEE SCORESBY HUGGING HER, “No need for that, it’s okay” because she’s crying, “thank you”, tipping his hat to Will

“I’m gonna be with my Hester” - SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW 😭❤️

I’m literally just full on sobbing at this point like my heart can’t take anymore at this point and there’s still TWO episodes left 😭

Marisa asking her monkey if she can sit with him?!? They’re so disconnected despite being the same person, I can’t-

“It hurts when we’re apart. I pretend that it doesn’t. That first time I sent you away… it was awful. I don’t know why I do it. At first I think it was curiosity… But now it’s become something else. A way to not feel what I can’t bear. I used to think that I was the strong one… but I was wrong. It was you. All along. I am so very sorry. Please… come back to me.” - NOOO WHY AM I HAVING EMOTIONS OVER MARISA AND THE DAMN DEMON GOLDEN MONKEY?!? AND THEM HOLDING HANDS?!?

Asriel and Marisa standing with their dæmons together… damn. Shit must be serious if the two of them are together on something

“The final rebellion has begun.” - OH SHIT HERE WE GOOOO

Episode 7: The Clouded Mountain

Two episodes left… 😬

Before we get into the episode, quick prediction: I feel like this episode is going to largely focus more on Asriel/Marisa and maybe bring that story to a close, and then the last one will be more Lyra/Will centric? Idk, we’ll see!

“We just have to keep Metatron’s forces away from the girl and the boy long enough for them to be reunited with their dæmons, to get to a safe world and… fall.” - oooooohhh

“How can you possibly know the nature of Metatron’s attack?” - LMFAO arguing like a married couple I see-

Okay, I was wrong, we are seeing Lyra and Will in this episode!

Will planning to get their dæmons himself and Lyra can wait in the nice world and he’ll meet her there 💀

“We’ve come this far and you still don’t understand: we’re in this together.” - 👏🏻

Every scene with Marisa and Asriel just seems like they’re flirting lmao

“I’ve given the girl nothing but at the very least I can buy her time” - 😭

“You’d do that for her?” “Not just her.” - THE WAY HE MOVED EVEN CLOSER TO HER ASDFGHJKL THEY ABOUT TO KISS OR SOMETHING

“Even if you get him to the abyss, you do understand it’s not just death down there? It’s eternal oblivia.” - DAMN, he’s committed I’ll give him that

“Your love for Lyra is your salvation and your downfall. When you think of her, I can read you as easily as a reflection in still water.” 😮

“Right, so we are doomed.” - Basically, yeah.

“Some of us will die today” - NOT A GREAT WAY TO OPEN AN INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH, ASRIEL 💀

Asriel is really on a mission to kill God in this series, that’s it summed up

“But thanks to my daughter, thanks to Lyra, we need no longer fear that fate! From today death is no longer an ending but a journey back into life!” - okay I take it back, his speech is pretty good

“Our children shall experience paradise but they will know it down here on the earth… today, we are free!” - YESSSSS 🙌🏻

OH SHIT is that Metatron’s soldiers/forces?!?

“I’m glad I said we didn’t have to win this fight” - LMAO

THE ANGEL KNEW LYRA AND WILL WERE CUTTING THROUGH AHHHH AND NOW ASRIEL’S ATTACKING LET’S GOOOO

It’s the way Lyra knew Pan and Will’s dæmon will be looking after each other 😭

“Metatron is releasing the dæmon eaters - he is turning all creatures against us” - AH HELL FUCKING NO

Are they the same as Spectres?!?

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NO THIS IS MORE NIGHTMARE FUEL

YES MARISA DOING HER PART AND TRYING TO GET RID OF THEM BECAUSE SHE HAS CONTROL OVER THEM

“I’ve found Pantalaimon” - Oh my god YES give Pan back to me please

To be fair I don’t blame Will and Lyra for not immediately blindly trusting Ogunwe at this point, barely anyone is trustworthy in this series at this point

RED PANDA PAN

“They left us.” “I know. But they’ve come back for you.” - 😭❤️

AHHH KIRJAVA AND SHES A BEAUTIFUL CAT WHEN WE FIRST SEE HER AHHHHH

They can both still change but still AHHHHH SOON

“All I know is Asriel’s proud of you” - yeah, he just has a shit way of showing it

These noises are straight out a horror movie oh my GOD THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS THOSE GHAST-Y THINGS

Not Metatron (?) whispering into all of their heads asdfghjkl

Metatron telling Marisa she should join him and her and the monkey having this moment, “you know what to do” 😭 and he looks like he’s gonna follow her because he puts his paw on the bridge but he doesn’t 😭 can’t believe I’m having emotions have that goddamn demon monkey

ASRIEL CALLING FOR STELMARIA AND THEN MARISA INSIDE METATRON’S PALACE(?)/FORTRESS 😭

Can I just say that the visuals are STUNNING, oh my goodness I’m literally in awe of this imagery and the visuals it’s far better than 10 year old me imagined

Marisa saying that she loves Lyra and hates that she does 😭

Metatron taking on Asriel’s form so now we’ve got James McAvoy vs James McAvoy, truly Multiverse of Madness 💀

“No one cares for you.” “Marisa does.” - the way my jaw dropped, oh my

Not Asriel calling for Marisa 😭 no I will NOT ship them, I refuse-

“You care for her still? If only you knew the disdain in which she holds you. She’s giving you up.” “No… never… I love her.” - oh my god?!?!?

“She would never betray me…” “I can give you Asriel. He’s trying to protect her.” - NOOO DO NOT DO IT

HE KNEW SHE WAS CLOSE BY HE KNEW IT IM-

“Marisa, no…” - GIRL DO NOT DO IT I SWEAR

“Your dæmons are in the tower - cut them through to a safe world. I’ll find you wherever you are.” - I’m starting to remember how the book ends and my heart is hurting, it’s coming so soon…

“So… you did come.” - YES SHE DID PAN 😭 please forgive her

WILL SEEING KIRJAVA FOR THE FIRST TIME 😭❤️ and her going “… Will.” 🥹

“How could you bear it? Leaving me behind?” 😭

“We should be together. Please.” But the damage is done… if you’ve read TSC, you know 😭

What is that monkey doing? Is he helping them escape? HE PULLED THE LEVER ASDFGHJKL

“For Lyra.” 😭❤️

MARISA HELPING ASRIEL UP, ASRIEL AND MARISA GRAPPLING WITH METATRON TOGETHER, and then STELMARIA RUNNING AND JUMPING AND THEM ALL TUMBLING INTO THE ABYSS 😭😭😭💔💔💔 IT HAPPENED IT HAPPENED IVE BEEN WAITING YEARS-

The monkey and Lyra looking at each other 😭 and she knows, she knows her mother has helped them-

NOT STELMARIA FADING TO DUST 😭

LYRA AND THE MONKEY REACHING OUT FOR EACH OTHER AND HE STARTS FADING AWAY NO NO NO

NOT ME GETTING UPSET AND CRYING OVER THAT DAMN BASTARD GOBLIN POS MONKEY 😭😭😭

Lyra having to wipe her eyes 😭 same, me too-

I knew this episode would end the Asriel/Marisa/Metatron storyline, I just knew it

“Cloud’s gone. It’s all gone. The war’s over.” 🥺😭

I know we’ve still got an episode left but I’m already weeping because I’ve waited 15 years for this adaptation to come, to see this whole trilogy adapted right, and now it’s happened

Ogunwe seeing his daughters 🥹

“Can we go now? I wanna see Pan.” - YES 😭👏🏻

DAMN ONE EPISODE LEFT

Episode 8: The Botanic Garden

Just from the title alone I know this is going to cause me pain but let’s DO IT

Damn, they didn’t even do a recap on this episode (or at least my iPlayer didn’t?)

LAST TIME LETS GO WE DIE LIKE (WO)MEN

Lyra waking up and the first thing she asks for is Pan 🥺

Also Lyra going for a swim because she’s all dirty, don’t blame her quite frankly

“After everything we’ve been through and now we’re here… doesn’t seem real” - same

Lyra knows her mother is dead :(

“I should be relieved… there’s so many things I don’t understand about my parents (…) like why they weren’t honest with me. Why they did such horrible things. Why wasn’t she interested in me for 13 years and then suddenly she was… why did they abandon me?” 😭😭😭

Lyra saying she doesn’t hate Asriel but can’t forgive him, and “I have the strangest feeling he’s gone… which means I’m alone” 😭 and Will saying no she’s not ❤️

Will splashing her and then jumping in 😂

“What?” “Nothing… I’m just glad you washed” LMFAO

“She doesn’t look like she misses me. She seems fine.” - oh Pan :(

“Think how good it will be to be with them again. To be close.” - Kirjava ❤️

“What if it doesn’t feel the same? What if it never does?” “Lyra loves you. We’re finally in the same world, we’re safe here.” - 1) I’m sad because of TSC all over again and 2) I’m sad because I know how this ends

NOT FATHER GOMEZ I FORGOT ABOUT HIM ASDFGHJKL

No but where did the clean clothes come from???

“But there’s someone else we need to meet.” - IS IT MARY??

“I don’t feel torn apart, and I know he’s safe.” - 😭🥹

AHHH LYRA AND WILL SEEING THE MULEFA HERD AND BEING LIKE “they’re riding on wheels!”

I like that Will’s reaction to this new creature speaking a different language is just “… Hello :D”, I love him

MARY AND LYRA REUNION 😭❤️

Mary going “oh god look at you” because Lyra is so grown up 😭

Oh my gOD FATHER GOMEZ FUCK OFF ALREADY

I wanna squash his dæmon, I don’t care, I wanna squish it and murder it

Not him shooting and killing the local wildlife, fuck you dude

“They have less Sraf than you” - ahhh because they’re still teenagers and Mary is an adult, and Dust is what causes dæmons to settle/kids to become adults, I get it

“No pods, poor things” - XD

“I’ve been all over the place but I think this is my favourite world” - same, Lyra, same, it’s so peaceful

“How do you treat a tree with respect?” - quite easily I think, Will???

“We have the stupid idea as humans that we’re the pinnacle of evolution, but we’ve got so much wrong” — 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

“It’s the answer to the question to the question you asked me in Oxford - whether Dust is sin (…) it’s the spark that means we’re alive, it’s consciousness.” “So Dust isn’t sin… it’s just as good or bad as we are.” 👏🏻🥹

The trees dying is truly heartbreaking omg 😭💔

“It’s the Dust disappearing. It’s just flooding out of the world: thought, imagination, feeling all blowing away” 😭💔

There’s got to be a way of saving it, surely…? Like this world can’t just disappear??

“… So when Pan’s a wolverine, you know you’ve pissed her off” OMFG 💀🤣

“Like a nun-nun from our world?” Will omg 😅

“Mary, tell them stories” - YES PLEASE DO

Mary’s story oh my god

“And then I met someone… she wasn’t like the other academics” - LESBIAN MARY MALONE I REPEAT LESBIAN MARY MALONE

“Years ago when I was at school, those butterflies in the pit of my stomach, that ache to be close to someone… I think I had just been too afraid to recognise it before, but I didn’t want to forget it this time.” - AND THE SHOTS OF WILL AND LYRA AHHHHH

“I knew I couldn’t go back to the convent after that, I just couldn’t bear the idea of living without ever feeling that alive. And I thought… will anyone be better off if I just go back to the hotel and say my prayers, and promise to never fall into temptation again? And the answer came back… no. No one will. And I realised, there was no one there to reward me for being a good girl or no one there to punish me for being wicked. There was no one. And it was… it was liberating.” — the fact that Mary is Irish adds a whole other layer to it because of the whole “Irish Catholic guilt” thing, but also just in general… wow. Just wow.

“I wanted to experience love. (L: And did you?)… yeah. (W: Were you scared?) Oh my god, I was terrified. I was risking everything and I was sure I’d be rejected, but… it was worth it. It’s rare when it happens, when you feel that way you have to grab it. It’s funny, isn’t it? One little moment… all she did was offer me a sweet and it changed my life forever. For the first time I was doing something with all of my nature, not just a part of it.” — I CANNOT TAKE IT, THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL

I can’t get over the looks between Lyra and Will, I knew it was happening obviously because of the books but stILL to actually see it onscreen???

“Where are you, Pan? There’s so many things I want to talk to you about.” 😭

Dear GOD DUDE FATHER GOMEZ GO AWAY IM SO DONE WITH YOU

Oh Mary totally knows something is going on between them even if they don’t yet

“What if she settles as something really bad, like… a mosquito or a slug or a fish?” “I heard of a man whose dæmon was a dolphin, but he’s a sailor so it’s fine” - I REMEMBER THAT STORY ABOUT THAT MAN FJDKDKDKD

Nooo not Gomez seeing them together I wanna punch him so bad-

“I don’t think anyone can understand… apart from you.” - oh my god Will 😭

“I think she’s… right… about a lot of things” - oh Will is NOT subtle in the slightest is he-

Lyra stepping closer, “yeah? What things?” ASDFGHJKL

“Dust… trees!” - smooth, Will, real fuckin smooth 🤣

Gomez was about to shoot Lyra while she was frolicking in the water but an Angel stopped him oh my god

ITS BALTHAMOS

“Desire is not sin. Love takes a million forms, each of them beautiful, each of them worthy. You who judge, just afraid.” 👏🏻

BALTHAMOS SQUASHED GOMEZ’S DÆMON, KILLED GOMEZ, AND THEN HE DIED TOO AND HIS LAST WORD WAS “BARUCH” 😭❤️

There’s something very innocent about these two teenagers clearly falling in love and sitting by the water in their underclothes and not realising why that would be seen as wrong because it’s so innocent and sweet and new 😭

WILL AND LYRA KISS I REPEAT WILL AND LYRA KISS I SCREAMED SO LOUD OH MY GOD

AND THE DUST SETTLING OVER THEM AND THE DUST RETURNING TO THE WORLD ASDFGHJKL THIS IS BEAUTIFUL

“The prophecy has been fulfilled. The love of Eve shall heal the earth and all the world shall feel it. Nature will be restored, hope will spark in darkness as innocence turns to experience, all will be in harmony once more.” - OH MY GOD AND THE SHOTS OF THE DIFFERENT WORLDS AND PLACES ASDFGHJKL

Those shy little smiles after they finished kissing omg

“Do you think Pan knows? I think he guessed” - he probably did let’s be real here lmfao

“I want to show you Jordan… proper Oxford. We can go to yours too… go to the cinema again.” - oh these kids are so hopeful 😭🥺

Pan and Kirjava!!!

“One who has given the world such a gift deserves a name… Kirjava.” — AHHHHH

Pan: Kirjava… suits you — 😭👏🏻❤️

“Why aren’t you with Will and Lyra? Are you still punishing them for their betrayal? But you love them still, don’t you? And you are not severed.” “No… we’re still one. But it was so painful.” - 🥺🥺🥺

“They will need you for what is to come” - OH BOY HERE WE GO

Pan and Kirjava coming back to their humans 😭❤️

“Pan…” “You left me. I’ve had to travel so far to find you again.” “I’m so sorry. I’m so grateful. I didn’t want to. I’m sorry. Please, I’m sorry. I missed you. I love you.” “Lyra…” AND THEN HE RUNS AND HUGS HER 😭

“I hoped you’d settle as a pine marten… suits you.” “I like it too.” 😭❤️

ALSO PAN SETTLED?!?!

“I’m… Kirjava.” WILL MEETING KIRJAVA PROPERLY

WILL AND LYRA TOUCHING EACH OTHER’S DÆMONS, THE MOST INTIMATE OF ACTS WHEN DONE CONSENSUALLY, I CANNOT COPE WITH THIS-

“Thanks to you, the multiverse is healing.” “I barely did anything.” “You showed two innocents what it was to dare, and by discovering their love, they have drawn Dust back into our worlds.” “Is that really all it took? Something so small and ordinary?” “Love is never small to those who discover it for the first time.” — brb, crying yet AGAIN over this series

“For centuries, Dust has been flowing out of the universe… what Lyra and Will have done has turned that tide. But their love alone is not enough to sustain it forever.” - oh no, no no no, it’s about to happen

“Every window that exists must be closed” - 😭😭😭 I know what’s coming and I hate it

“Each time the knife makes a cut, the flow of Dust increases and from the tear in the space between worlds some darkness is released, bring destruction across all of the worlds. It can take the form of many things: a plague, a spectre…” - 😭

But also does this mean that Covid was a result of the subtle knife??? 💀😳👀

“But if Will can’t use the knife, and if we can’t leave the windows open, then how will we…? We have to choose worlds, Will’s or mine?” “You can’t live in someone else’s world for long. Our dæmons wouldn’t survive. It means we can’t stay in the same world together.” - THERE IT IS 😭💔

“No! You can’t come here and just say that! After everything we’ve been through, it’s not fair! … it’s not fair…” 😭😭😭 they’ve literally just fallen in love and they have to separate already

Them walking away holding hands 😭

Oh nooo she’s already lost the ability to read the Alethiometer 😭😭😭

“It’s not broken, Lyra… you’ve changed. You’ve grown up.” “So… that’s it? I will never be able to read it again?” “The knowledge still exists but you’ll have to learn it, like those before you. You read it by Grace, and you can regain it by work.” “What’s the point? Why did we get here? Why did we go through everything we went through just to be forced apart?” — 😭

“I didn’t know it was possible to feel this bad.” “It won’t always feel like this.” “I don’t want to not feel like this about Lyra… I only want her.” - NOT WILL AND MARY’S COVERSATION IM TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER SO BAD

“You know all those stories that say the greatest love is the one you can’t live without? The one that you’re prepared to die for? That’s not right. That’s not what love is. I know it seems romantic to die for love but it’s much more romantic to live for it.” — 😭💔

“You will never lose what you have with Will, you have shaped each other forever. And I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will have a future, Lyra” - and Lyra is just sitting there crying 😢 I hate it here-

“If humanity set their minds to discovery and their hearts to compassion, they may create enough Dust for a single opening to remain. But you already know where that window must be.” “The Land of the Dead.” “We can’t close that window, it’s the most important one.” — 😭💔

Will has to break the knife once they’re back in their own worlds 😭😭😭 and the angels will help close the windows

“There are fates even the most powerful have to submit to.” - 💔

“I love you. I’m not gonna stop loving you until the day I die.” “I love you.” - KILL ME. It would hurt FAR LESS

“We will come back here, when we’ve lived our lives, we’ll go through the Land of the Dead and we’ll tell Gracious-Wings everything we’ve done. We’ll find each other here. I’ll be drifting about until I find you.” “And I’ll be searching for you every moment. Every single moment.” “When we do find each other again… no one will be able to tear us apart. We’ll be joined so tightly… Every atom of me and every atom of you. When they use our atoms to make new lives, they’ll have to take two; one for you and one for me. We’ll be in the flowers and in the sunbeams… we’ll be joined so tight.” — okay no I’m full on sobbing and crying and shaking, I can’t cope with this, I can’t do anything but cry now

Lyra and Will embracing and holding each other, just clinging to each other on the floor as they cry 😭💔

“Don’t forget us, Mary. Keep telling stories.” - 😭💔 this whole episode is just a massive HEARTBREAK I CANNOT-

We’re back to Lyra’s Oxford 😭

NOT THE BENCH, NOT THE FUCKING BENCH NO I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THE BENCH FUCK YOU PHILIP PULLMAN

“You know you could see your dæmon too, if you wanted” - oh my god yes?!?! I KNEW she met her dæmon at some point, I knew I didn’t imagine it!

“There you are.” - AHHH HER DÆMON IS A BIRD

“We can come back here every year. You in your world and me in mine. Midsummer’s Day. Midday.” “And I’ll be there. I’ll be there every year, my whole life.” “And if we do meet someone we like, we must be kind to them - we won’t compare them. We’ll come here, just for an hour… we can be together.” “Every year. I promise.” - ASDFGHJKL THIS HURTS MY HEART IT HURTS

“Just do it!” 😭😭😭 she wants him to just do it because she knows it’s going to happen and hanging around prolonging it is just so much more painful

Lyra and Mary hugging goodbye 😭 “I’ll never forget you” - STOP

“I’ll break the knife as soon as I’m through because I’ll know I’ll just want to come back to you.” - THIS POST IS JUST ME SOBBING NOW EXCUSE ME-

“What is it?” “I’m just trying to imagine what you’ll look like when you’re older.” “Handsome of course.” “Very.” - EXCUSE ME

Will stepping through the window and going to close it, stopping and them then kissing 😭 “Lyra.” “Will.” AND THEN THEY KISS AND HE CLOSES THE WINDOW FUUUUUCK-

Lyra: *crying* // Me: BITCH ME TOO

“Just think of her” (to break the knife) - and it’s a series of flashbacks of her and him throughout the whole series I feel SICK-

The snow falling on Svalbard and Iorek 😭

Lyra’s back at Jordan College 😭❤️ but so much has changed

Will going back to his mum 😭💔 and then them hugging as Kirjava watches with a little smile I’m-

ONE YEAR LATER?!?! ONE YEAR LATER I’M-

She’s dressed like a student I’m-

ARE THEY GOING TO THE GARDEN?!?

“We can come back here every year. You in your world, me in mine. We can be together. I’ll be there every year. My whole life. I promise.”

THE FADES AS THEY GET OLDER AND WITH EACH YEAR, THE SPLIT SCREEN OF THEM AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE BENCH, THEM REACHING OUT TO HOLD EACH OTHER’S HANDS, WILL’S MISSING FINGERS

“Lyra.” Being the last line of this show, oh my GOD.

THE ENDING TITLE CARDS

“Will and Lyra continued to return to their bench at the same time, every year. They kept their promise to each other, going on to live full lives in their own worlds. Will became a medical student and later, a successful surgeon. Lyra went on to be educated at St Sophia’s College in Oxford, where she was taught how to once again read the Alethiometer… Which would come in useful one day, when Lyra and Pan would go on to have a further great adventure. But that’s another story…”

THE BOOK OF DUST/THE SECRET COMMONWEALTH ADAPTATION CONFIRMED?!? IS THAT WHATS GOING ON?!?

Okay… wow… okay.

I’ll admit that in S1, I had issues with the show as a longtime fan of the books; perhaps I was too busy comparing it to the movie or whatever else, but also I had complaints about the lack of dæmons on-screen and how that really hurt the first series as a result (eg. The Billy Costa scene). Thankfully in S2 and S3, that issue was resolved and not a problem in the slightest, which I’m so glad for. I feel like for me personally, Subtle Knife (S2) and Amber Spyglass (S3) had the benefit of not having been adapted for the screen before (unlike Northern Lights/S1), so it was able to stand up as it’s own adaptation easier and not necessarily have the movie looming over it (if that makes sense). Because while I agree the movie was not great and didn’t do justice to the books, it was still an expensive blockbuster with hype and big names attached.

Right now I really want to reread TAS - I reread TSK when S2 was airing so it feels right to reread TAS now, but I’m reading Outlander still so I’ll have to put it off a few days 😭 - and also I want to take the trip to the Botanical Garden in Oxford where Lyra and Will meet every year. I don’t know if other fans do that but it’s something I’ve wanted to do a while, and now I want to do it more than ever. I’ll have to remind myself closer to the Midsummer’s Day to do it!

Honestly, I’m so emotional over this whole series. Was it a perfect adaptation? No, no adaptation is 100% accurate or perfect, things get changed or cut for whatever reason. But it was beautifully done, and I’m so unbelievably happy that it was finally done justice. I truly don’t think I could have asked for a better adaptation of a series that has meant so much to me for fifteen whole years. I’m so grateful that I live in a time where this series has been given the love and attention it deserves, and I can only hope that people viewing the show first have gone on to read Philip Pullman’s books, that it’s inspired them to read those too.

The cast have been spectacular throughout, especially the main cast members: Dafne Keen, Ruth Wilson, James McAvoy, Amir Wilson… gosh, all of them. And then of course the voice cast have been amazing too, especially Kit Connor as Pantalaimon since that’s literally the main voice role throughout this whole series. I’m just so blown away at this point, I can barely type it.

[shivvroys]

the cost of our desired wrongs

shivlina oneshot set during 'too much birthday'

for @jeniffercheck <333 and part of the shivlina fic exchange

cw: panic attacks

read below or on ao3

hold me like we're dying from the liquor that we drank down in hotel rooms,

to feel warm in cold love

-

Karolina’s already worn out by the time she gets to the venue. But the world moves to the sway of Logan Roy’s hand, so here she is, still dressed in her work clothes and bickering with a girl that has rhinestones glued to the inner corners of her eyes.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have you on the list.” The girl looks far from sorry.

It takes all of Karolina’s strength not to flick those stupid little gems clean off the girl’s face. Instead, she puts on her tightest smile, and pulls out her phone, ready to text Logan a sincere apology and go home. He’d been giving her shit ever since Kendall’s meltdown at the press conference. One more temper tantrum would be just another drop in the bucket.

“No fucking way. Look sis, Dad got us a new nanny.” Roman’s shrill voice sends an irritating shiver down her spine, like nails on a chalkboard. “She’s taller than an SUV, right? Just making sure.”

“Hello, Roman.” She turns to see Roman and Shiv walking in, with Tom trailing behind them like an overgrown shadow. Soon enough, Connor and Willa join them. Karolina starts to get a nauseating feeling of déjà vu.

“Hi, guys.” she greets the rest of the Roy litter. Shiv raises a pointed eyebrow.

“Hi, Karolina. Dad doesn’t think we can sweeten the swede without someone holding our hand, or are you just here to keep Kendall from nailing himself to a golden Supreme cross?” The green dress and tussled curls almost dull the sting of Shiv’s dig. Even as a joke, the suggestion of holding Shiv’s hand in public settles like lead in her belly.

Before she gets the chance to respond, Connor cuts in.

“I just want to say, before the flies starts buzzing—this had nothing to do with my physical prowess. I was inebriated.”  He points to the brace on his arm. Jesus fucking Christ, this family.

“I’m sure no one would doubt that.” He seems to take that as a compliment, judging by the way his eyes light up. Next to him, Willa shoots her a pointed glare, her arm wrapping tighter around Connor’s uninjured one.

As the rest of the group pass by the girl at the entrance and her stupid fucking list, Shiv hangs back, turning to Karolina.

“What, cold feet?” she asks, pointing to the nauseating pink hallway leading into the club.

“I’m not on the list, apparently.” Karolina shrugs.

“Unfortunately, I can’t let guests in unless they’re on the list.” the girl pipes up, gripping her little clipboard like a life raft.

Shiv throws Karolina a wicked smile, before pinning the girl down with a glare.

“Well she’s on Forbes’s 50 Most Powerful Women in Media. That good enough of a fucking list for you?” She barely lets the girl gasp out a surprised breath, before all but dragging Karolina with her down the hallway. Neither of them turn back to check on the girl.

“That was mean.” Karolina lets out a quiet laugh.

“Well, she better get over it if she doesn’t want those cool rhinestones to fall off with the tears.” she says, her brows furrowed in faux concern. Bathed in the pink glow of the hallway, she looks softer, blurry at the edges in a way that makes Karolina want to grasp her, lest she vanishes into the glowing light. Like a fata morgana, luring Karolina out into the deep end.

“So, uh, did dad really send you to chaperone us?” Shiv asks.

“I don’t know.” she sighs. “He just told me to make sure nothing gets out of hand. You know what he’s like…”

“Never met a room he couldn’t walk into and be the epicenter of, yeah. He’s probably got Kerry refreshing Twitter every two seconds, fiending for updates.” she shakes her head, amused. He was, and he’s had Kerry forward each one to Karolina as well.

As they approach the end of the hallway, Tom’s tall frame comes into view. Shiv pauses, looking down before addressing Karolina.

“Hey, I’ll, uh, see you around? Later?” her lips are pouted and pink, and so terribly inviting, but the looming shadow at the end of the hallway reminds Karolina of who she is, and who she is with.

“I don’t know, Shiv.”

She resists the urge to reach a hand over and smooth out the tiny wrinkles forming between Shiv’s brows, instead breaking eye-contact and looking straight ahead until they’ve reached Tom, where she leaves Shiv behind.  Back on the cold shore, the sand feels like shards of glass under Karolina’s feet, the glow of her beautiful mirage burning even brighter on the back of her eyelids as she walks away from it.

-

She’s two martinis down and fresh out of a very uncomfortable encounter with Kendall, when Logan calls. Karolina wishes the shitty techno music were loud enough to drown out the man’s rough beratement. He’s mad that Karolina hasn’t been keeping enough tabs on all of his children while simultaneously tracking Matsson’s whereabouts. She doesn’t bother trying to explain to the man that his children aren’t joined at the hip, and she can’t split herself into every goddamn corner of the massive club, and even if she could, they were all purposefully avoiding her like the plague anyway. Instead, she throws out ‘yes’s and ‘alright’s and ‘of course, Logan’s like she’s trying to calm down a rabid dog, and resists the urge to smash her phone against the bar top when he hangs up on her.

She motions to the waiter for another drink, and watches the VIP area above, where Roman, Shiv and Kendall are either making up, or breaking each other down. Her money’s on the latter.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Tom and Greg huddled together, whispering like they’re planning a heist. She can feel the dread of her own shame creep inside, but she can’t help the rush of jealousy that washes over her as she sizes Tom up. God, she needs to stop drinking gin when she’s already feeling bitter.

He’s tall, sure, and handsome in an unthreatening way, but where’s the fun in that? What universe had made him and Shiv a match? Did he make her laugh—with his broad shoulders and naïve oafishness? Did Shiv trust her heart to be safe in those big, warm hands? Was he just that good of a fuck?

Briefly, Karolina wonders what it says about her that, for all her inflated sense of superiority, she has essentially become this man’s seat warmer. 

She can’t admit to herself why the sight of him has become so unbearable lately, so she throws back her drink and leaves the bar, hoping to come up with a destination on the way.

-

The lights are starting to look fuzzy and Logan’s texts have turned silly by the time she sees Shiv again. A giant, glossy version of her, anyway.

Wife of Tom Wambsgans.

Karolina stares at the letters until they turn to giant splotches of ink in front of her glassy stare.

“Yeah, you like that?”

Karolina turns to look at Shiv leaning against the doorway.

“I don’t even remember when this picture was taken. I kind of look manic.” Shiv continues, stepping into the room until she’s right next to the giant poster. She tries to mimic the facial expression she’s wearing in the picture.

"It's good. Funny." Karolina sucks in her cheeks, looking into the half-empty glass she’s holding. She can’t remember what number she’s on, but it’s definitely one too many for the conversation she’s recklessly directing them towards.

"What? Wife of Tom Wambsgans—that’s the part you're upset about? Not the bit about me being a street-walker?” Shiv puts on an incredulous smile.

“Does that bit offend you because it implies you need the money?”

That wipes the smile away from Shiv’s face. She crosses her arms, playful mood suddenly deflated.

“Ok, what crawled up your ass and died?” she says, still trying to keep some lightness in her tone.

“It was a joke, Shiv.” It hadn’t been, but Karolina feels weightless and weighed down all at once, and her ears are still ringing from Logan’s screaming. A part of her wants to see if she can get Shiv to match that same pitch and blind outpour of anger. See if they share more than just their eyes.

“Funny.” she clenches her jaw. “Yeah, no—see, if I were making a joke, which—I am, this is a joke.” She gestures to the space between them, that great chasm of joy and fucking laughter.

“If I were making a joke I would say something like—I don’t know, how do you manage to fuck up a task so badly that your boss has to call the people you’re supposed to be tracking to ask where you are? That’s pretty funny, too, right?” she leans back against the poster, eyes narrowed into slits.

Karolina nods, gripping her glass tighter. What makes her eyes sting with tears is the fact that Shiv looks so fucking beautiful right now, her hair messier than she’d normally allow herself to have it, and a dangerous sort of reckless energy illuminating her like a halo. And all Karolina can think about is a fucking phone.

A hunter at heart, Shiv knows that sinking her teeth into frightened game sours the meat, so she knows when to back off and let her prey breathe. Make the chase last longer. And Karolina’s aware of this, she can tell when Shiv’s concern is part of a game she’s playing. So, when she sees her take a deep breath, and cock her head to the side, Karolina knows she’s just sharpening her canines.

“What’s up with that, anyway? He still upset over the press conference?” she asks, brow furrowed like she’s opening on Broadway.

Another drink and Karolina might mistake it for real kindness. Instead, she smiles tightly and shrugs.

“Maybe. Maybe he thought I looked at him funny during a meeting. Does it matter?” she says.

Being reminded that there are always bigger, angrier beasts lurking in the darkness of the forest seems to settle Shiv’s hunger for carnage, so she doesn’t press the issue further.

They are spared from having to say something to fill the silence when Roman barges into the room, instinctively sticking to Shiv’s side like a magnet. Like two blind kittens crawling their way to each other for warmth.

“Hey, I got a pin on Matsson. You coming?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Satisfied with the answer, he turns to Karolina, as if just then noticing her existence.

“Oh, hey Vesper Lynd. How’s the spying going?” he shoots her a shit-eating grin.

“Great. Thank you, Roman.” she keeps her eyes glued to the drink she’s holding.

He doesn’t say anything, throwing Shiv an amused grin before raising his own glass towards Karolina in a mock toast.

Shiv looks like she wants to say something, but it’s gone with a quick tightening of her jaw. Instead, she bumps her arm against Roman’s, motioning towards the doorway. In the haze of the colorful lighting and strong alcohol, Karolina can barely see the line that separates them as they walk away.

Like the mouth of a wave, she turns to the poster and sees that fucking headline looming above her head, its edges sharper than knives.

Wife of Tom Wambsgans.

-

“I’m sorry, Logan, but this doesn’t really fall under my—”

“Yeah, I just pay you a million a fucking year to write flashcards. Consider yourself off duty. Enjoy my son’s fucking tea party!”

Logan makes sure she also catches the fucking useless he spits out before hanging up the phone. This time, her phone gets a screen-full of sticky residue as she slams it down on the table in front of her. The screen doesn’t crack, to her disappointment, instead lighting up with more work emails she’ll probably have to deal with the next day. She doesn’t trust herself to make it to the bar without wobbling, so she wipes the phone on her pants, hoping to get some of the vodka cran off of it. All she gets is a sticky stain on her thigh and the faint urge to vomit. 

She takes that as her cue to slink back home where she can lick her wounds in peace, without a bunch of influencers gyrating against her when she’s just trying to find a spot to sit still in for five goddamn minutes. She doesn’t have the layout of the club memorized, and the flashing lights make her even dizzier than the gin, so trying to find the exit out of this sensory nightmare turns into a very treacherous journey. She can’t even tell where she’s ended up when she sees Shiv make a beeline for her. The music is louder, so all she sees is a disheveled mass of ginger curls and flashing eyes, before Shiv grabs hold of her elbow and drags her into a quieter room. It looks like a giant nursery, complete with a huge, dead-eyed teddy-bear that makes the hair on the Karolina’s neck stand up. 

Shiv doesn’t pay any attention to their deranged playmate, snapping Karolina back to attention.

"Did you know? About dad spying on Kendall's kids?"

Karolina shakes her head, trying to focus on the question. She could swear she had some justification for that prepared in the back of her mind, but she can’t find it through the fog that’s shrouded her mind for weeks like twilight in a cemetery. The only thing she can focus on is the rapid rise and fall of Shiv’s chest. Her eyes must’ve betrayed her, because Shiv takes her silence as an admission of guilt.

"Oh, so that's morally okay to you, but me being married is where you grow a fucking conscience?" Shiv scoffs, crossing her arms.

Karolina could afford many things, but never that. Not anymore.

"Do you think I get a say in what your father decides he wants done?” she tries to emphasize her point by gesticulating, but it comes out awkward and shaky, so she crosses her arms tightly instead, digging her nails into her arms in a vain attempt at sobering up. “I just wag my tail like everybody else in the room and I go fetch.”

“Well, maybe you just like fetching, Karolina.” Shiv throws out sharply.

She shouldn’t have had a sip of that fucking alcohol, because now Karolina watches Shiv’s smug smile and feels every ounce of self-restrain draining from her body. Anger swells inside of her like a balloon, and she watches herself watching it grow, bracing for its explosion. She wants to hurt Shiv in a way that she knows the other woman is familiar with. In a way that will leave them both wrecked and desolate, and begging for more. If there’s anything she’s learnt from spinning like a satellite around Logan Roy’s orbit, it’s to take a punch like sweet wine. To lap it up and stick her cup out for more.

Mostly, though, she wants to kiss Shiv. She wants to run her hands through her hair and rub soft circles along her temples, where her headaches always start. She wants to go home and have Shiv curl herself around her, her body a question mark that Karolina never wants to unravel. 

The room they are in is darker, quieter, but Karolina’s eyes still catch the glint of Shiv’s wedding band, and a loud pop goes off in her head.

“I guess you’re right, Shiv. But you don’t seem to mind when it’s you I’m fetching for, right?” she swallows harshly. “Like when you and Tom have a fight, and you need someone to fuck the anger away? Then I’m convenient.” she watches Shiv’s eyes widen.

“Oh, please! You’re going for the suffering side piece, really? I thought you had more self-respect than that.”

The teddy-bear doesn’t offer any input. The walls, though, start growing darker, crowding in on Karolina.

“No, don’t worry, I know my place in your life. Clear as fucking day.” she throws out a bitter laugh.

At least Shiv looks as haggard as she feels, though it brings Karolina more sorrow than joy.

“Right. That’s why you’ve been acting so sour, huh?” Shiv raises a hand to her chin, letting out an ironic tsk. “Funny, ‘cause I seem to remember you being the one who put out the fucking wedding announcement. And—correct me if I’m wrong, but was that not before you had your legs wrapped around my head like you were the sluttiest little cowgirl at the county fair riding the mechanical bull?” she finishes making her point by shaking her head.

Karolina can tell she’s just getting started, too, just stoking her appetite before diving in for the main course. She tries to come up with something to say, anything to make the knot in her chest release. In the dim hum of the room, she can hear her own ragged breathing. She can feel it crawling over her, that great all-encompassing dread.

She tries to draw herself up to her full height, swallowing the knot growing in her throat. “And what a good job I did, right? Almost made it seem like a real marriage.”

“Better than nothing, though, isn’t it?” Shiv puckers her lips in faux concern. “Tell me, Karolina, who’s waiting for you at home?”

Karolina doesn’t have Shiv’s boarding school background, but she went to a public high-school in a neighbourhood where every kid was fighting to be considered middle-class, so she knows how sweet passive aggression feels dripping off the tongue.

“Siobhan…” she starts. “Do you think that’s sadder than marrying someone whose eyes light up more when he sees your father than when he sees you?”

Despite the drumming in her ears, she catches Shiv’s sharp inhale as the brunt of her words hit her. It’s such a miserable type of satisfaction, to tear at the flesh of a loved one—if she could call the wound they’ve been picking at love.

It feels like a giving up and scratching at chickenpox marks. All those scars for one moment of relief. In the absence of a gentle hand to rub soothing circles of calming lotion over the marks, she supposes it’s only natural to find solace in the pain.       

“You’re fucking pathetic.” Shiv says, as if she’d been contemplating the fact since their very first meeting.

“Am I?” Karolina frowns. She can feel her chest start to strain uncomfortably. She tries to swallow, but finds it increasingly hard to do so.

“Yeah.” Shiv nods, lips downturned in disgust. “You won’t admit it to yourself, but you do like the fact that I’m married, Karolina. Because it makes you feel chosen. But the truth is, you’re just terribly, awfully, pathetically fucking common.”

A common whore, to make matters worse.

She’s not wrong. There had been times where Karolina’s indulged in the smug grin on Shiv’s face as she claimed Karolina’s body, laid her hungry fingers on it and made it hers. Stole gasps out of Karolina’s throat and made them into her own melody. And Karolina let it happened, let the cool glint of Shiv’s eyes brand her like cattle because being someone’s meant she was something to begin with.

These moments though, had been a lowering of arms, a truce at the gates of a castle made of rumpled up sheets. She supposes she should’ve seen it coming, though, because Shiv fucked like she fought – ravenously and without compromise.

“And you’re not, Shiv?” she laughs. “Why? Because your daddy’s the most powerful man in the world, and you’re his pinky?”

She presses a heavy hand to the bridge of her nose, trying to dissipate the dark spots clouding her vision.

Shiv stands before her with clenched fists and a set jaw, and Karolina fights the urge to ask for a kiss with a fist.

Shiv clears her throat, crossing her arms. “That’s why you’re fucking me, though, right?” she scoffs. “Cause you’re too afraid of dick, so I’m the closest you’ll get to fucking all that power?”

“I thought I was fucking you, Shiv. That last name is something only you keep clinging on to.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Shiv laughs. “Stick to your little corporate memos, yeah, Freud.”

“Did you actually read any Freud, or is he just the only psychoanalyst you know?” Karolina says weakly. “You should, if you haven’t—he had some very interesting things to say about fathers and daughters.”

Whatever reaction Shiv might have had, Karolina can’t see it. There’s a war drum pummelling at her head, and a dark cloud settling over her eyes. Her chest feels tight, as if gripped in an invisible vise, and very little skin and sinew separating her heart from the acrid air of the room.

It always starts like this, with crowding walls and a loud ringing that reminds her of those awful national emergency alarms. She tries to focus on Shiv’s face, but it’s hard to make her out in the darkness and the blurry veil of tears gathering in her eyes. Karolina knows she needs to get out, but finds her legs have turned to cinder blocks. Then it gets harder and harder to breathe, until she feels like she’s choking, her diaphragm caving in on itself.

She thinks she hears Shiv call out her name, but the only thing she can focus on is her own shaking hands, grasping at each other. Had she been holding something? Where was her phone? She shakes her head, managing to take a step back when she feels Shiv reaching out for her.

“Don’t. Just—just go, please.”

“Did you take something?” Shiv’s voice cuts through the ringing of her ears. She tries to laugh, but it sounds more like retching.

“Fuck.” she tries to get her breathing under control, digging the heel of her palm into her sternum.

She can’t see that well, but she feels Shiv’s hands flutter anxiously around her.

“Do you want me to get—fuck.” she pauses. “Should I go get help?” Shiv’s voice sounds miles away, a fata morgana promising Karolina something that looks like warmth.

“Just go. Please.” she chokes out. Even under the crushing weight pressing on her chest, Karolina cringes at how pathetic her voice sounds. Like roadkill begging to be put out of its misery.

And Shiv does.

The worried arms withdraw, and suddenly Karolina is alone in a giant nursery, trying to count her breaths along with the ugly stars painted on the walls. She finally manages to take back control of her legs, and slinks to the floor, bracing her head between her knees. Through the tears streaming down her face she catches that godawful teddy-bear staring at her with its cold, unflinching gaze, and thinks back to a time where she thought she might go on to change the world. To make a difference. If she really is dying, if her heart has finally decided to hang up its hat, then it’s only fitting her final judge and jury would be a giant, fake totem massacring the very thing it was meant to represent.

Through her heaving, she doesn’t hear anyone enter the room, until she feels something cold and hard press against the back of her neck, and a firm grip on her wrist.  

“Please don’t puke. Or, like, give me a heads-up.” she hears Shiv whisper.

Karolina’s only heard her speak so softly in the dark of the bedroom, when she’d halfway be hoping not to be heard. Shiv’s hand is cold, too, as she rubs soothing circles on her left wrist, the other hand still holding the cold compress against Karolina’s neck.

“You wanna try stepping outside?”

Karolina shakes her head. It’s barely there, but she feels the slightest easing of pressure on her chest. She tries to focus on the damp coolness on her neck, tries to imagine it spreading throughout her body, soothing the fire burning beneath her skin. She reaches out her right hand blindly, trying to grasp Shiv’s wrist, trying to follow that fervent pulsing of life.

“Yeah?” Shiv says, adjusting her hand so Karolina could grip it better. They stay like that for a while, hands grasped like roman soldiers, Shiv’s quiet sighs and Karolina’s ragged breaths the only sound around them. Karolina wonders briefly if the party’s finished, if they’re the only ones left in this haunted menagerie of broken childhoods. Shiv seems to see her attention slipping away, because she shakes her wrist free, taking Karolina’s palm and placing it above her breastbone.

“Just follow me, yeah?” she murmurs.

Karolina nods, closing her eyes and letting her hand be the only tether to the world, Shiv’s pulse her only guiding light. As her breathing slowly starts to slow down, she contemplates pointing out the fact that Shiv’s own breathing is shaky, her heart trembling like a hummingbird’s wings, but she ultimately decides against it. The warmth of Shiv’s body and the soft silk of her dress are doing a fine job of easing Karolina’s nerves nonetheless.

When she finally feels the fog start to lift from her eyes, she turns to see Shiv watching her intently, with wide eyes and furrowed brows. It scares her, the intensity of Shiv’s gaze. Like she’s not just looking at Karolina, but seeing her. Holding her in her mind as more than a moment in a bed.

“You okay?”

This time Karolina manages a weak laugh. She bites her lip, avoiding Shiv’s steely gaze.

“Mhm.” she nods. “Is that a wine bottle?” she frowns at the object Shiv’s just removed from her neck.

Shiv stars laughing, her wet eyes glinting in the weak light.

“I was gonna get a wet paper-towel or something, but I couldn’t find the bathroom.” she sighs.

“Where’d you find this?”

“Stole it from the bar.” she flashes Karolina a proud grin.

Shaking off the last of her panic attack, Karolina turns a weary head towards Shiv.

“Thank you.”

Shier than she’s ever seen her, Shiv shrugs the gratitude away, changing her position from kneeling by her side to sitting down flush against Karolina’s side, and linking their arms together.

“Would’ve been awkward to just let you die. I mean, who would we even get to draft the press release on such short notice?” she turns to shoot her a serious look.

“Hugo?” Karolina tries.

“Bleugh.” she fake retches. “I wouldn’t that to you, even if we were at each other’s throats.”

She nuzzles her head in the crook of Karolina’s shoulder, her hand fiddling with the sleeve of Karolina’s shirt.

“Why are we—at each other’s throats? Did I do something?” Shiv almost sounds like a scolded child, making the guilt twist itself tighter around Karolina’s heart.

“No.” she sighs. “I...I’ve just had too much to drink and I got bitter and selfish.”

“Yeah, but why?” she presses. “I’m not a dummy, Novotney, whatever I did has been bothering you for longer than this night.”

“You didn’t do anything, Shiv.”

Karolina closes her eyes as Shiv turns her head to look at her, soft gaze burning the side of her face. She clears her throat.

“You’re trying for a baby.” she finally turns to meet Shiv’s gaze, cheeks burning with shame. “And I have no right to be upset about that.”

“What?” Shiv frowns. “Where the fuck did you get that?”

“During the shareholder meeting.” she sighs. “Tom left his phone on a table at some point, and I guess he got a notification about your, ahem, baby window. I had no right to snoop, I’m sorry.”

Shiv unwinds their arms, bringing both of her hands to massage her temples.

“Jesus fuck!” she blurts out. “Karolina, I am not trying for a baby. That’s—I don’t even really fucking understand it myself, but I am not trying to get pregnant.” she wrings her hands, grasping at her own frustration.

“It doesn’t matter. I still shouldn’t have reacted that way.” Karolina presses. “It was out of line.”

“Fuck the line.” Shiv shakes her head. She looks like she’s deciding if the dim light of the room is dark enough to let her tell Karolina the truth.

“You were right, earlier.” she sighs. “I can’t play the suffering side piece. I knew what I was getting into when we started this.”

“No, that was—I was pissed off that you wouldn’t talk to me. You know I was just trying to push your buttons.”

“It’s still the truth.”

Shiv shakes her head softly again, like she doesn’t accept her statement. She contemplates for only a second, before picking up the discarded bottle of wine, popping out its stopper, and taking a swig. She extends her hand towards Karolina, offering her the by now lukewarm prosecco, but gets waved off with a tight smile, reminding her of why they were currently sitting on the floor of a creepy nursery replica.

Neither of them say anything for a while, lying side by side like two discarded dolls. Karolina eyes the teddy-bear, for a second swearing she could see a hint of smugness in its beady eyes.

After a third sip from the bottle, Shiv finally breaks the silence.

“Tom’s been trying to get me pregnant. I didn’t know about it until the shareholder’s meeting, either.” she laughs bitterly.

“What?” Karolina feels a rush of anger fall down on her head like a hammer.

“Yeah. I don’t know—I can’t even begin to fucking process that.” She takes another small sip from the bottle. “He didn’t wanna fuck me after I told him I was still on my birth control—said it was like throwing batter at a brick wall.”

Karolina can’t see Shiv’s face, but she can hear the quiet sniffling the other woman is trying to hide. She reaches a hand and pulls Shiv back to her side, closing any bit of distance between them. Despite the dizzying murmur still gripping her mind, she feels the urge to track Tom down and bash his head in with her phone, until the sticky alcohol gets washed off by a much more satisfying offering.

She doesn’t know what to say to Shiv, can barely comprehend the horror gripping the other woman. How dare that man? It’s not that she sees Shiv as something other than human, no. And, she supposes, that might be the entire point. That Shiv is a woman and men will try to mould women to any shape they desire. Even men like Tom. Even women like Shiv.

For lack of any words that could take away Shiv’s dreadful confusion and anger, she kisses the other woman’s head and hopes it’s enough. Or at least that it’s something.

She doesn’t soften her grip until she feels Shiv’s chest slow its frantic rise and fall, until she’s sure her hold on Shiv isn’t the only thing keeping her from falling apart.

Finally, Shiv herself lifts her head from the crook of Karolina’s shoulder, with blood-shot eyes and a sorrowful scowl marring her features.

“Can I stay over?” she whispers. She looks like she’s about to justify her request, before Karolina cuts her off.

“Of course.”

“You don’t have to…” she continues, before Karolina cuts her off again.

“I want you to.” she reaches a hand to cup Shiv’s cheek, rubbing a shaking thumb over the warm dampness she finds there. “I want you with me.” She’ll repeat it as many times as it takes for Shiv to realize how easy to want she really is.

She’s hard to open up, and hard to keep a hold of, yes, but Karolina’s never found it hard to want her. To want to have her in her life, for fear of wanting things—bigger and scarier things, that she knows she shouldn’t let herself want.

“Thanks.” Shiv says, clearing her throat.

She’s never been good at talking outside of the abstract, so Karolina replies in the only language she knows Shiv won’t doubt. She kisses her, a soft and sad sigh passing through them like an electric charge. A mess of limbs in an ugly, cold tomb of a misshapen memory, warmed solely by each other’s body.

They gather themselves off the floor, still holding onto each other, like kids afraid of letting go of a helium-filled balloon. Shiv’s hair is a tangled mess, her face splotchy and still sticky with tears, and Karolina doesn’t have to look in a mirror to feel the pools of mascara gathered under her eyes like the torn-up trenches of some bloody battle.

Shiv seems to have read her mind.

“We should wash up first, huh?” she smiles ruefully. “Kendall might think we’re actually touched by his immersive trauma dump.”

“Maybe we should give him the satisfaction.” Karolina laughs, shaking her head. “It is his birthday.”

“I think there’s been enough yes-men involved in this shit fest.” she scoffs. “Come on, let’s find that fucking toilet. I’ve been close to pissing myself for the past, like, half an hour.”

She grabs Karolina’s wrist, keeping a loose grip on it even as they make their way back into the crowd and have to break apart. It feels mortifying and exhilarating, being so reckless under these neon lights. Like they might get away with it, or do it anyway, despite the consequences.

-

The ride to Karolina’s is silent, both of them finally bearing the full weight of their exhaustion. Shiv hasn’t said anything about where she’s told Tom she’d be going, or whether she’s told him at all, so Karolina doesn’t ask. She’s tired of letting these men throw their weight around even when they’re not in the room. All she cares about, anyway, is the weight of Shiv’s hand in hers, the soft skin and firm muscle, the way her fingers twitch slightly at every ghost of a touch.

It’s tiring, living her life in the abstract. Shaping herself into ideas of a life she’s decided she must live.

Shiv is real, though. She’s solid and burning brightly beside Karolina, and she’s not someone Karolina could ever see as theoretical. She’s alive in a way that scares Karolina, an unknown, uncontrollable variable defined only by herself. Occupying a place in the world shaped by herself, bent with bare hands and fury out of whatever mould she’d been thrown into. She can’t imagine how isolating that must have been, living her entire life clawing at the walls of one cage after the other, thrashing against every expectation of what she could and should and mustbe.

She used to think that what they were doing, this clumsy, clandestine clashing of hands and teeth in dark rooms, that this was a fantasy for the both of them. An imagined slice of life. A daydream they could fall into when real life was weighing them down. She’s slowly coming to realize that it might, in fact, be the other way around. That the closest she’s come to feeling real in months has been when Shiv is touching her. That she can’t hear anything quite as clearly as Shiv’s soft sighs. That life comes rushing over her every time she feels her knees press against the edge of the mattress, and drains out of her when she hears her alarm go off.

“Can we…” Shiv stirs next to her.

Karolina urges her to continue. “What?”

“Everything I said—I just wanted it to hurt.” she whispers. “I don’t think about you like that.”

She begins to pull her hand away, but Karolina grasps onto it tighter, tethering Shiv to the moment.

“I know.” she nods. “I don’t think about you like that, either.”

Shiv chances a look in Karolina’s direction. “Yeah?”

They share a brief, watery smile, which feels like the most intimate thing they’ve done. They’ve bared their bodies to each other, but never the beast of their anger—never the things lurking beneath their skin, the urge to tear and shatter.

In that tiny moment, it doesn’t feel like they’re looking into each other’s eyes, but somewhere beyond. It feels like taking a deep breath and stepping into the dark entryway of a basement, commanding the dark and telling it to scatter—telling it you’re home.

[lesbianspeedy]

Ideally, who would you want Mia and Dinah's relationship to be like if it was properly developed?

this is a really tough question for me, it has a lot of things to consider. in terms of both dinah's writing in relation to mia in the past, and how i personally feel each character views that sort of relationship.

i've said it before i'll say it again, my achilles heel is that i DO get the warm fuzzies from that one winick panel of dinah saying she considers mia her daughter. HOWEVER i also see like. how fucking wild that was to throw in. like, textually speaking, dinah met mia once, said she thought ollie was sleeping with her (insane writing there mr smith) then when connor is recovering mia makes a joke about dinah being a bitch. thats like the extent of their interactions before winick takes over.

then it gets weirder, cause winick takes over and has ollie "cheat" and for some reason mia is like REALLY fucking overprotective of dinah, telling ollie to call dinah just because he's talking to joanna. (this is just winick not knowing what the fuck he's writing). then they "break up" etc, dinah isnt seen with the fam for like 2 years in the in-universe timeline. there is one part in hit issue bop #88 where she asks after mia but thats it.

dinah comes back near the end, they still dont really interact, end of vol 3/start of ga/bc happens, suddenly dinah sees her as a daughter. its just. so fucking randomly jammed in there.

now i have my own personal HC explanation for the mia side of this, let me quote myself from the arrowfam server:

"ik mia's like weird attachment to dinah in winick's run, esp the first arc, is like just bad writing. but ive decided that the author is dead and i killed him. its actually because the last time she felt safe with someone was with her mother and her brain hasnt caught up to her heart yet and allowed her to feel that kind of safety with ollie, so she attaches to the closest mother figure she can find at that point, before ultimately realising that the unconditional love and support she has now is thanks to ollie. thank you for your time."

now to actually fucking answer your question (jesus christ i got carried away i am sorry). PERSONALLY i'd like their relationship to just be "youre my dad's girlfriend" "you're my boyfriend's kid" like mia isnt a child she is a teenager who knows exactly how stuff like this works. i think mia absolutely does look up to dinah, as both a hero and a strong female role model (which i think mia sorely needs), but they dont need to be like. mother/daughter extreme. they can love each other and be family without being put into nuclear family tropes.

[connorshalstead]

A few opinions about Chicago Med below unpopular, popular, I dunno, y’all decide!

Ava’s character had so much potential, but the way the producers wrote her relationship with Connor screwed her over.

As much as I love Rhodestead, I really, REALLY wish Manstead would’ve worked out. Albeit, give Will some therapy and teach him how to treat a woman !!

If we couldn’t have Manstead, we should’ve at the very least had Jeff Clarke with Natalie, he genuinely cares about her, but at the time, she was in love with Will. I wish they had more time together.

Elsa sucks. Period. I get, that it’s fiction and she’s meant to be quirky and not an average doctor? But she’s such an asshole to patients that I can’t respect her as a doctor.

Natalie should’ve had an arc where she was transferred to the peds department permanently. She would’ve thrived there.

I don’t like Nina. I understand people that do, but she’s personally not for me, I think her and Will’s relationship was… pointless? It was only to make Will realize he was truly in love with Natalie. Which, didn’t matter in the end cause of how badly their relationship ended.

The way Sarah left was absolutely insulting to her character and her relationship with Dr. Charles. Biggest punch to the gut ever as someone who relates strongly to Sarah.

Connor’s best arc was becoming a heart surgeon under Downey’s guidance. Their friendship was too short and underrated.

Lanik deserved so much more screen time. He was the best E.D. Chief and should’ve gotten more appreciation.

Maggie carries the show, I take not disagreeing on this one actually. /hj

April honestly deserves to be happy. She’s been through so much shit, and she and Ethan DESERVED that happy ending.

The “safe” drug use site was maybe Will’s worst decision. Next to Jennifer Baker and taking care of Burke.

And leaving Natalie in the dark ^

As bad as I feel for both Natalie and Will, she had no right to treat Will the way she did, having lost her memory or not.

There was a point where I DID NOT like Natalie. She was flat-out emotionally abusive to Will when he genuinely did care about her and tried to help.

That being said, Will still has faults. He should’ve absolutely given her space after the breakup and the Burke situation.

And I know he’s a highly secondary character but, I can’t help but feel bad for Owen? He saw Will as his dad, he was probably the first male figure he saw after he was born for… quite a while? It was shitty of Natalie to completely separate them. Especially after how much Will cared about him.

Second, to all of that, Philip was fucking pointless.

Ben was the best thing to happen to Maggie as well.

Jesus Christ, I feel like these people go through fiancés like cigarettes. (April with Tate, and in S5, Ethan)

And Natalie with Jeff, then Will?

Like, let people get married?? What is Dick Wolf so scared of? (Gay ppl probably)

Will deserves a STABLE RELATIONSHIP with a good person, not an ex-drug addict (who he fought with constantly and THEN SHE ASKED HIM TO GO TO LA WITH HER?), not Natalie, and Connor is gone so… :/ Idk, give him and Nina another chance even???

I really wish we got more “casual” crossover content. Like, I wanna see scenes of Casey, Severide, the Halstead brothers, Upton and maybe even Ruzek? Just hanging out at Molly’s :(

I really think Sarah and Connor were a missed opportunity. Especially with all the weird shit that happened in the first two seasons? It wouldn’t have been too far-fetched.

Better than Sarah and Joey 😭

Sarah deserved a love interest and someone to help carry her burdens. That girl had been through enough

Along with wanting Will to have a stable relationship, we should’ve gotten more Reesestead scenes…

Crockett is kind of a dick…? Especially to Ethan in his earlier episodes. But, he’s redeemable.

I really like Noah! But, I think he’s better suited as an E.D. doctor, not a surgeon.

Also, as much as I LOVE April and want to say she does no wrong, the way she treated Noah was extremely childish and unfair. He truly could handle himself and him becoming a surgeon goes to show that.

Finally, Chicago Med is absolutely shit at trans and gay representation. To the point of sometimes blatant transphobia in some episodes… (Looking at Claire…)

Thank you for reading, and remember that these are my opinions ! Feel free to disagree but remember, sending death threats is a crime !! Respect people’s opinions.

[herrmannhalsteadproduction]

Honesty. Horrible, Horrible Honesty. (Chapter Six)

Summary: This is Part Eighteen of my series A Herrmann/Halstead Production. It is an AU where Christopher Herrmann's mom had an affair with Pat Halstead resulting in a baby. The series follows this OC character (Rebecca "Bex" Herrmann) as she grows up and gets to know her brothers and the various Chicago teams. It is very much an AU, just to underscore that. It doesn't follow the same timeline and characters will follow different paths.

Click here for the Series Rundown where you can find the links to read all of the previous installments (which I highly recommend you do so that this one makes sense.)

Rating: Teen and Up

Relationships: Christopher Herrmann & Original Female Character, Jay Halstead & Original Female Character, Will Halstead & Original Female Character, Jay Halstead & Will Halstead, pre-Greg 'Mouse' Gerwitz/Original Female Character, Will Halstead/Connor Rhodes, Assorted OC Couples

Warnings: Referenced Domestic Violence and Threatening Behaviour (these are warning tags for a brief scenes with Ty), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, A Brief Scene of Violence, Mild Injury, Swearing, Characters Working Through Trauma, Repairing Relationships, Fluff, I Swear There are Funny Bits Along with the Emotional Bits

A/N: So I am back on deadline in a big way with a quick turnaround time and this means that I unfortunately won't be able to maintain once a week updates like I'd hoped. I won't be able to get back to this fic until early May. I wanted to tell you up front in case you want to hold off on reading this chapter as it does end in a cliffhanger. But I WILL be back! There's at least two more chapters to go in this part. I'm sorry for the delay and I appreciate your patience in the meantime.

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Mouse

“Work give you any trouble?” Chuck asked when Mouse came back into the living room after making his phone call.

“No, uh, they were pretty cool about it.” To be more specific, Platt had said ‘you haven’t taken a sick day since you started here, Mouse, it’s fine, now stop yakking at me, I’m busy here’ and then hung up on him.

The six of them stayed up late talking about what had happened with Jay and then with Bex before they all found spots to sack out for a few hours. They were back to digging into things this morning and everyone agreed Mouse needed a personal day.

Well. It was a five-to-one vote, anyway.

Now he was cleared to stay home and they’d all been fed and were set up with coffee and tea in his living room, waiting for him to keep pouring his heart out.

He didn’t even know where to start.

Finally, Frank looked over at him and poked the elephant in the room. “What happened, Mouse?” he asked. “You were so set last time we talked. Nervous, sure, but you knew what you wanted and you were certain about talking to Jay and then Bex.”

“I told you,” Mouse began. “Jay said—”

“That doesn’t answer the question,” Ada stopped him. “Not really. Maybe the better question is why did you let what Jay said change your mind? After everything you told us about Bex and how you felt? Why did you give up so easily?”

Mouse stared at his hands, knitting his fingers together and pulling them apart. He didn’t want to examine this. Didn’t want to pick apart all the ways he’d fucked up beyond belief.

“Mouse, do you still care about Bex?” Lucy asked softly.

“Yes, yeah, I—” His head snapped up and he swallowed hard. “…I do.”

“Okay.” She smiled encouragingly. “That’s good. Now…why does that scare you so much?”

Jesus Christ. Don’t hold back.

“Only reason what Jay said would’ve had this effect was if it punched your buttons, man,” Ed said. “Talkin’ out the fear’s the only way to take away the power, remember?”

Fuck.

Fine.

Fuck it.

“I was talking to Jay,” he said, starting out haltingly, dragging each sentence out of his throat. “And everything felt so real—so close. Like—like I could see it actually happening. Me and Bex. And I started to freak out because that—that’s everything I want, you know? And—and then, I started thinking about all of the ways I could mess it up, but it-it-it wasn’t just me thinking them. It was Jay saying them.”

Everyone kept quiet while he took a breath.

“Everything I’d been so afraid of, he was saying out loud,” Mouse continued, the whole scene seared into his brain. “Every—every ugly truth about how it could go wrong and the way he was looking at me.”

He closed his eyes at the memory.

“I used to see that look on his face when he found me strung out and I—I never wanted to see his face look like that again,” Mouse said. “And then all I could think of was me just—just screwing things up and seeing that look on Bex’s face someday and I couldn’t—I couldn’t do it.”

“And how’d that work out for you?”

“Ada,” Chuck chastised her quietly.

“What? Tiptoeing around this isn’t helping,” Ada said. “Mouse, tell us honestly how what you feel right now is better than if you’d tried things with Bex and it didn’t work out? Which, for the record, is not what I think would happen.”

“Bex deserves better than me,” he said, shaking his head. “And this way, she can move on.”

“Bullshit!” Ada declared as the rest of the group shook their heads. “First of all, you don’t get to decide what Bex deserves. She’s a grown ass woman who can make her own decisions.”

“That is an important point,” Lucy cut in before Chuck could try and rein Ada back.

“And from what you’ve told us, she’s not getting over you, Mouse,” Ada said. “She’s hurting and she’s struggling and yet, she’s still reaching out because she cares about you.”

“She did organize that whole get together for you after you broke her heart,” Ed pointed out somewhat under his breath.

“You don’t—it’s not—” Mouse floundered, trying to find the words to get them to understand. “It was enough for me—before,” he said. “Having Jay and Bex in my life. Being their friend. Being—being on the edge of their family. I shouldn’t have let myself want more than that, I should have left it alone and then none of us would be here right now.”

“Mouse,” Chuck said, levelling a calm and steady look at him. “I know you don’t believe this right now, but there’s no limit on the amount of happiness that you deserve.”

“I don’t—”

“Your past is your past.” Chuck shook his head. “You’ve worked hard to get where you are now, but you keep punishing yourself. Why?”

“Do you think I don’t deserve my wife?” Frank asked softly and Mouse’s mouth dropped open.

“That’s not what I—”

“Or that I don’t deserve my husband?” Chuck asked.

“Or that I don’t deserve my girlfriend?” Ada piped up.

“Do I deserve my kids?” Lucy asked.

“You can’t say that you’ve done anything in this life worse than I have,” Ed said quietly. “What do I deserve?”

Mouse could feel the carefully constructed bindings of his very logical walls breaking down with every question.

“We have all fought to claw our way back from the depths, Mouse,” Chuck said. “And what was the point of that fight if not to live? If not to let ourselves embrace everything—even love, if you’re so lucky to have it.”

They sat with him while Chuck’s words sank through the last of his defences.

“I don’t know what to do,” Mouse finally whispered. “I don’t know how to—with Bex—”

“Hey,” Ada said, scooting over to pat his knee. “That’s why we’re here, remember? To help you sort out your shit and get your girl.”

“Ada,” Chuck sighed.

“I’m not wrong!” she declared and Mouse couldn’t help the chuckle that slipped out.

Then he took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s…sort out my shit.”

“And get your girl,” Ada added helpfully.

And get his girl.

***

Chris

CHRIS: Hey, have you had lunch already? Or are you free to take break?

JAY: Sorry, can’t JAY: crazy day

CHRIS: what about tomorrow?

Chris watched the three dots appear and disappear beside Jay’s name for at least a minute before he started contemplating the best way to kidnap the guy.

JAY: is everything okay?

“What? A guy can’t just want to have lunch with his brother?” Chris grumbled down at the screen and Cindy came over to peer over his shoulder.

“Ah,” she said. “His spidey-senses are tingling. He knows he’s in for a talk.”

The three dots started working overtime until:

JAY: Will talked to you, didn’t he?

Cindy tapped her nose as she walked away.

“Promise me you’ll never use your powers for evil,” he called after her and she cackled.

That wasn’t a promise.

Back to the problem at hand.

CHRIS: He’s worried. About you AND Bex and I don’t blame him. CHRIS: I’m not looking to lecture you, bud CHRIS: I just want to help

The reply came surprisingly quick this time.

JAY: you free after your shift at Molly’s tonight?

Ah, crap.

He didn’t want to turn Jay away and make him feel like he couldn’t come to the bar. That kind of thing would make him withdraw completely.

But there was another person to consider in all of this.

CHRIS: yes, but also Bex is working tonight CHRIS: so just try and keep giving her space while we work this out, okay?

Five minutes of silence.

Chris was about to call him when his phone buzzed with a message.

JAY: 👍

Hunh.

“Well, it’s not a no,” he said to himself. “I’ll take it.”

One step at a time.

They’ll get there.

They always do.

***

Bex

The soak and the snacks helped, but they weren’t miracle workers.

She may have gone a bit overboard in dressing up and beautifying herself for work, but she needed her outsides to do all of the work right now because her insides still felt like crap.

Feeling grumpy as hell, Bex dragged herself to Molly’s.

She could see the questions in everyone’s eyes, but whether it was about Mouse or Jay or Beau and the Instagram thing, she did not want to talk about it and did her best to signal that loud and clear. Luckily, everyone seemed smart enough to give her a wide berth.

Except Chris.

He kept hovering and asking questions without asking questions and she knew his big brother radar must be going off like crazy, but she just—

Couldn’t.

Any of it.

So, she kept herself on the other end of the bar as often as possible and avoided his gaze.

Will and Connor came in and Will was giving her a piercing look so she avoided him as well.

And then Jay came in with the rest of Intelligence and was giving her a pathetic look which she also was avoiding.

It was a large amount of eye contact avoidance to keep track of. Was kind of giving her a headache.

There was at least one person in the place who was meeting her at her level. Al sat at her end of the bar, moping into his wine.

“I know why I’m pissy,” she said, topping up his glass. “But why are you?”

“You really feel like comparing stories tonight, kid?” He peered at her from under the brim of his cap.

“No,” she sighed. “Forget I said anything.”

They hung out in silence for a few minutes before Al clicked his tongue as he leaned against the counter. “It’s my daughter, Lexi,” he said. “She told me and her mom tonight that she’s dropping out of school to move into some art commune with her dirt bag boyfriend.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’ is about right,” Al said, raising an eyebrow at her. “She’s twenty. She’s not a child anymore, but she’s making a huge mistake and she won’t listen.” He started picking up steam as he talked. “No one’s saying don’t make art, but she’s so close to graduating. And this boyfriend. He’s no good for her. They’ve broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count and yet this time apparently, it’s for keeps.”

“Having been a twenty-year-old in the not so distance past and one who didn’t always make the best decisions at that,” Bex said. “I think pushing her to go in the direction you want is probably not the best solution right now.”

“That’s what Mere said,” Al muttered.

“Well, she’s trying to find her own path and she thinks she’s in love on top of that,” Bex said, remembering how easy it was to think that with AJ. “She’s going to make mistakes. The hard part is letting her.”

“I can’t watch her destroy her life,” he said. “Nothing’s destroyed, Al,” Bex snapped, not able to keep the irritation out of her voice. She was seriously over people thinking they could control other people’s choices.

“Is she making a dumb choice? Maybe. No one knows for sure,” she said to him. “The only thing you have power over right now is how you react. What are you going to do? Tell her that if she leaves, she can’t come back?”

The way he was staring a hole into the counter told her he’d been considering that.

“Think about this,” Bex said. “Say she is making a mistake. Not just with school, but with the boyfriend and say it all goes bad. Do you really want to take away her safe place? You have to leave the door open so she knows she has an out if she needs it. Cutting that off is the biggest mistake to be made here. Trust me.”

She’d hate to think where Emery would be if she hadn’t felt like she could come to Bex or any of their other friends. If she felt like she had no other options.

Al nodded slowly and pulled out his wallet to drop a few bills on the table. “Thanks, Bex,” he said. “I, uh, you gave me a lot to think about. I’m going to go talk to Mere.”

She nodded at him and went to take his glass.

“By the way,” he said, leaning back in quickly to talk closely enough for no one else to hear. “I enjoyed your Fleetwood Mac.”

And then he left with a little hat tip.

The man who allegedly typed with two fingers and didn’t know anything about technology, ladies and gentlemen.

Now she had to know what his Instagram account was called. She chuckled to herself. Mouse could probably find out—

…right. Never mind. She could sleuth it out on her own.

She poured out the last of Al’s wine and dumped the glass into the dirty bin.

“Hey, what did that wine glass do to you?” Otis asked as he sidled up to her.

“Not in the mood, Otis,” she said and he rolled his eyes.

“Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed. You’ve been such pleasant company tonight.”

She fixed him with a stare, willing him to walk away.

“Put the murder eyes away,” he said, holding his hands up. “I only came over to tell you that some guy at the other end of the bar is asking for you.”

“Who—” She craned her neck to look through the crowd and try to get a glimpse.

And froze.

What the actual fuck.

***

Shay

Shay loved hanging out with her firehouse family, but there was something about this little friend unit she and Julie had formed with Julie’s partner Sam and his boyfriends, Devon and Isaac, that just worked.

Conversation always flowed, Devon and Isaac were hilarious and Sam was quieter, but so sweet. She wasn’t sure about him at first because he had epic resting bitch face, but he actually a shy, little dork.

Like, possibly knew more about Star Wars than Otis level of dork.

It was kind of adorable.

She loved these nights when they could get the five of them together at Molly’s and hang out with drinks, chatting for hours. Severide was a little jealous at first, but even he had to admit they were great guys.

“Next rounds on me,” she said to the group, happy to top them all up and have an excuse to check in on Bex at the same time. “Same orders?”

“That would be great,” Sam said, trailing off as he stared over her shoulder. From one instant to the next, his face transformed into hard lines as he glared. “No fucking way.”

“What?” She whirled around, not seeing anything that could set him off like this.

And it had to be something because she’d never seen him look so angry. Even when he helped kick drunk jerks out of the bar, he always managed to keep his calm.

“Babe,” Isaac laid a hand on Sam’s very tense shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“AJ,” Sam growled out which meant nothing to her, but apparently meant a lot to Devon and Isaac because they were also instantly on edge.

“Where’s Bex,” Devon asked immediately, scanning the bar area.

“Is she in danger?” Julie asked and Shay would also really like to know that. “Do we need to get her out of here?”

And, oh—there went Sam, stalking off to the front of the bar, Devon hot on his heels.

“Not in physical danger,” Isaac said quickly as he went to follow. “He’s a shithead who broke her heart and Sam said he’d kick his ass if he ever showed his face around her again so we need to go and stop him from getting himself arrested, like now, right now.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Sam’s voice echoed throughout the room.

*** Sam Bex could fight her own battles.

Or at least, that’s what the little voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like her was saying as soon as he caught sight of that freaking asshole.

And that was very true.

But also, another part of his brain kept reminding him how hurt she was by him, walking around like a shell of her former self for months, exhausting herself trying to pretend she was okay, and that part—

That part really wanted to punch the guy.

Just once.

***

Bex

She’d contemplated slipping out to the back room, but then Sam stormed over and started getting in AJ’s face and the room fell silent as a whole pile of first responders went on red alert.

Bex sighed.

She did not need this tonight.

“Sam,” she called out as she made her way over. “Back off, please.”

“Bex, you don’t have to talk to him,” Sam bit out, crowding AJ while Isaac and Devon flanked him on either side. “He’s going to leave, isn’t that right, AJ? I’ll help.” He reached out to grip the front of AJ’s shirt with a sharp smile.

Okay, this was—

“AJ,” Will’s voice piped up and Bex groaned.

No, come on—

“AJ?” Jay snarled from across the room and she pointed a finger at him, not wanting to hear an explanation for how he knew about this particular situation.

“Don’t you even start.”

Bex had had enough—

“This is AJ?” Chris suddenly appeared beside her, adding his own glare to the mix.

“How do you know about AJ?” she asked him because seriously?

What the hell?

“I know all kinds of things,” Chris sniffed, barely sparing her a glance. “Including the fact that this guy doesn’t belong in our bar.” He stared at AJ and jerked his chin at the door. “Scram.”

“Nice to see you, Bex,” AJ said, smiling at her while he ignored everyone else, including Sam’s fist still wrapped up in his shirt. “Want to step outside for minute? It’s a bit crowded in here.”

A whole chorus of protests rose up and Bex scrubbed a hand down her face. Sam launched into a list of AJ’s transgressions for freaking everyone to hear which was just…lovely.

She reached down and poured herself of a shot from the first bottle she could lay her hands on.

“Hey.” Chris took the bottle and the shot glass out of her hands with a frown. “Cut that out.”

“I should not be expected to deal with this sober,” she muttered to herself, but apparently not quietly enough if the way Chris’s eyebrows flew up was anything to go by.

“Bex,” Will said, crowding up to the bar. “Want me to get him out of here? It’s your call.”

Nice of one person to acknowledge that.

“Listen up! I will take care of this myself,” she said loud enough for everyone around them to hear. “All of you just back off. Please.” She came out from behind the bar. “And Sam, let go of his shirt, for god’s sake.”

The gang around AJ which now included not only Sam (who was reluctantly releasing his grip), Devon, and Isaac, but Kelly, Adam, Shay, Julie, Matt…and Jay, parted to let her through.

“Bex,” Jay reached for her, having the nerve to look concerned and she brushed him off.

“Definitely in no way do I need your help.” She made her way through the crowd until she reached AJ. “Come with me.” She grabbed his wrist and dragged him out the front door, turning around quickly before leaving.

She loved her whole gigantic, messy family, but she knew exactly what would happen if she wasn’t explicitly clear with them right now.

“All of you will stay inside, do you understand me?”

The room was quiet.

“Verbal confirmation!”

A chorus of sullen yesses came back at her and that was good enough.

Keeping a tight hold on a smirking AJ who smelled infuriatingly good, she stalked down the street until they were a good distance away from Molly’s.

“What do you want, AJ?” She crossed her arms and forced herself to make eye contact.

“Exactly what I said in my message; to say hi and catch up.” He reached over to gently touch one of her arms and she stepped out of reach. “I saw you on Instagram and I thought it’d been long enough that maybe we could try being friends again…”

She scoffed out a laugh.

“We were friends first, Bex, remember that?” he asked her quietly, using that voice that used to send shivers down her spine. “Great friends. I’ve missed you.”

A small, traitorous voice in her brain agreed with him. Their friendship had been the starting point and it had been a good one.

And then he kept talking.

“I’ve missed other things too,” he said, moving into her space to put his hands on her waist. “Things that we were also really great at.”

Bex looked up at him. Into that face that she’d adored and the eyes she used to get lost in.

She reached up to cup his cheek and smiled softly. “Thank you,” she said.

“For what?” AJ chuckled. “Reminding you of what you’ve been missing?”

“In a way,” Bex nodded as she pushed him away gently. “I think I needed to see you in person to know for sure.”

He looked confused and that didn’t surprise her. He wasn’t used to being on this side of things.

“I’m completely over you,” she said, more for her own benefit than his. It was the kind of thing that needed to be declared out loud. “You’re not who I want. Not anymore. Not for a long time now.”

“I’m not asking for a relationship here, Bex.” He rolled his eyes.

Nice to know some things never changed.

“Whatever it is you’re looking for, it’s not happening.” She shook her head, feeling more like herself than she had in days. “We were done years ago, AJ. You made that clear at the time and you were right, we weren’t a good fit. Let’s leave it at that.”

Keep it in the past where it belonged.

“Oh, please,” he laughed. “For once in your life, relax. Why are you so opposed to having a little fun? You’re clearly still single judging by that Instagram show. You’re still hot. If you weren’t so fucking clingy, we could be having a great time.”

“And I’m done,” she turned to walk away and he grabbed her arm, pulling her back in close.

“You just need to loosen up a bit,” he murmured before dipping his head down and capturing her lips in a kiss.

It was wrong.

So wrong.

This was not who she wanted to be kissing.

She never wanted to kiss these lips again.

“No,” Bex said, shoving him away and scraping a hand over her mouth. “You need to leave or I’ll actually let Sam kick your ass. He’s been waiting a long time. And he has more friends now.”

“God,” AJ laughed, shaking his head. “Same old Bex. Are you still holding out hope for true fucking love? You’re a mediocre fuck at best. Start lowering your expectations, babe.”

Wow.

Just wow.

Time to throw the whole man in the trash.

“See, I tried having lower expectations,” she said, gesturing at him. “But then I figured out that I deserve better. I’m done settling for less.”

She felt someone come up behind her and turned to see Chris standing there. “Atta girl,” he whispered, keeping a post of solidarity at her side.

“Fucking delusional,” AJ said with a shake of his head. “Don’t bother calling me when you’re still alone five years from now.”

“Actually, I already have an offer lined up for then so I’m good,” she said.

“Oh, yeah?” Chris turned to her in surprise. “Who?”

“Beau.”

A grin stretched across his face. “I love that guy.”

“Yes,” Bex laughed. “I am aware.”

“Jerkface is leaving finally,” Chris said with a little nod at AJ who was stalking back to his car across the street.

“Good riddance,” she said, leaning into Chris when he put an arm around shoulders, but straightened up when she realized she wasn’t entirely done.

“For the record,” she yelled out at AJ. “I am amazing at sex!”

The only answer was a car door slamming.

“Probably—probably could have left that part off,” Chris said in a strained voice.

“Eh, felt better to get it out,” she said with a shrug.

Chris laughed, tucking her into his side as they walked back to Molly’s. “I love you, kid.”

“Love you too, Chris.”

They were almost at the door when he stopped and turned to her. “We’ve got a lot to talk about, me and you.”

She sighed. Deeply. And then nodded.

Not that she wanted to dive into the nitty gritty of her love life with Chris, but he always had a way of helping her cut through to the heart of things.

“We do,” she agreed. “But not tonight. Please?”

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

They headed inside and she nodded briefly at Will before making a beeline for Sam and wrapping him up in a hug.

“Sorry for getting all grrrr,” he whispered in her ear.

Only Sam would call nearly knocking a guy’s head off ‘getting all grrr’.

“I appreciate you having my back, big guy,” she said, giving him a squeeze. “But I appreciate you backing off too. I handled it.”

She stepped back to include Devon and Isaac in their little huddle. “AJ is officially done.”

“I say this with love, but thank god,” Isaac said. “If you started things up with him again, I don’t know what I would have done, but it would have been drastic.”

“I had more faith in you,” Devon said with a wink and Isaac made a face at him.

“I had faith! I just…also like to be prepared,” he said with a sniff.

“Well, everyone can stand down because we’re good,” Bex said, hoping that put an end to the topic. “I should get back to work before Otis starts complaining being abandoned, but I’ll see you later.”

After another quick round of hugs, they let her go and she made her way over to the bar. Something had obviously been said to the gang while she was outside because no one was asking her questions or pressing for details and that was definitely not the norm.

She could maybe see the Med and 21 crowd having a bit of restraint, but everyone at 51?

This level of restraint was unheard of.

Just enjoy it while it lasts, she thought to herself as she started gathering up the dirty glasses from around the bar and setting them in a bin.

From the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of Jay determinedly making his way over to her.

That was a nice thirty seconds of peace.

She grabbed the bin and headed into the kitchen, hoping, praying he would be smart enough not to follow. She really wasn’t in the mood for a second confrontation.

Setting the bin down beside the sink, Bex held her breath.

And sighed when the door opened behind her.

***

Jay

“Go away, Jay,” Bex said without even turning around.

“I just want to talk.” If she would just listen, just hear his side of things, he knew they could work through this. They always did.

Bex was someone he could always count on to understand him. Even when he messed up.

But they couldn’t get there if she wouldn’t even talk to him.

“Please.”

She finally turned, leaning against the counter with her arms crossed as she glared at him. “I told you I needed space. Why are you doing this?”

“I don’t want to fight with you—”

“Then leave!” She waved a hand at the door.

“I need to explain—”

“You want. You need.” Bex shook her head with a bitter laugh. “Do you hear yourself right now?”

“I’m trying here, Bex,” he said, bracing his hands on the island in front of him. “How can we work through this if you won’t even talk?”

“We don’t,” she said flatly. “This is on my timeline, not yours. You don’t get to dictate the terms when it’s your fucking fault.”

“I was trying to help you!” he exclaimed. “Stop you guys from making a huge mistake—”

“It was our mistake to make!” Bex yelled, her voice cracking. “Mine! And Mouse’s. Our choice. Not yours. And fuck you for even thinking that it could only be a mistake. Fuck you.”

She stormed past him out the door and back into the bar.

No.

Fuck.

No, this was all wrong.

Jay went after her.

*** Chris

Chris was wondering where Bex had gone when Will came up to the bar.

“Have you seen Jay?”

Then they heard the yelling coming from the kitchen.

Will cursed under his breath as Bex came flying out and grabbed her bag from under the counter.

“I’m sorry, Chris,” she said, blinking back tears. “I have to go home.”

“Bex!” Jay burst out of the kitchen and Will moved to intercept him, talking quietly in his ear as he held him back.

“Let me drive you,” Chris offered. He knew she needed to go as soon as possible, but he didn’t want her driving herself. Not in this state.

“No, I’m good,” she said, scooting away from the bar neatly. “I need to be alone right now, okay? But I’ll text you when I get there—I just—I can’t. Bye.”

She rushed out the door before anyone could stop her.

Shit.

He looked over at Otis who immediately nodded. “Go, man,” Otis said. “Seriously. I’ll be fine here. Go help Bex.”

Chris grabbed his pockets to make sure he had his own keys and wallet before hurrying around the bar to where Will and now Connor were both holding a struggling Jay.

He stepped in and gripped Jay’s shoulder until the kid looked up to meet his eyes.

Chris sighed at the turmoil he found there.

Didn’t matter how old they got. Seeing his kids hurting always broke his own heart.

Especially when they were hurting themselves.

“Take a breath, Jay,” he said, soft but firm.

Jay shook his head.

“Come on,” Chris coaxed. “This isn’t how we solve it.”

“I can’t leave it like this, Chris,” he said, voice strangled. “I can’t.” He broke out of Will and Connor’s hold and darted for the side door, slipping outside before anyone could catch him.

One look at Will and Connor had them falling in line behind him as Chris followed Jay.

At least they knew where he was headed.

***

Trudy

Everyone sat in silence for a moment watching the door that Herrmann, Halstead, and Rhodes had just exited out of in pursuit of Chuckles and Mini-Chuckles.

What a mess.

On the plus side, now seemed like as good a time as any to start the conversation Cindy had been bugging her about all day.

“Okay, listen up,” she said to the room as a whole. “We need to talk about the bet…”

***

Bex

Pushing the Tin Can to its limit, she made it home in record time.

Between the tears and the actually very dangerous driving, she was surprised she made it at all.

Bex snatched her keys and her bag and scrambled out of her car. Knowing Jay, he was probably hot on her heels and she was done talking to him.

God. She wanted to scream.

How dare he—

A hand slammed over her mouth while an arm grabbed tight around her middle, jerking her back. Her heart stopped as the smell of sweat and stale beer filled her nose.

“Don’t make a fucking sound,” a voice growled in her ear.

She froze.

Ty.

Click here to read Chapter Seven. Click here to read Chapter Eight. Click here to read Chapter Nine. Click here to read Chapter Ten. Click here to read Chapter Eleven.

Click here to read Honesty. Horrible, Horrible Honesty on ao3:

And here is the tag list (let me know if you wish to be added or removed):

@sorry-i-spaced, @iunnowatuwant, @thegirlwhowishedeveryonelived, @ivyalmighty, @thewannabewriter, @lexhalstead3, @multifandomgrl08, @foxes-and-cats, @sensitivemallysix, @thebewingedjewelcat

[maddsmallow]

hi im gonna complain about people seeing hank and connor as father and son under the break so if you see them like that maybe dont read. like you do you but if this is gonna upset you then. dont fuckin read it lmao

if tumblr puts this in the fucking tags even tho i didnt tag it 1) im sorry, and 2) im gonna be fucking pissed im just trying to vent on my own got dang blog

cropped out the person who made these tags because i dont even know them and also im not a fucking asshole thats gonna put someone on blast like that but. this is the EXACT problem i have with hank and connor as father/son. i dont even mind connor seeing hank as a mentor or something like that (even tho i personally disagree with using the term "father figure"), but it's the "connor is like a new chance for hank to be a dad" that fucking gets me. do you not see all the different CANON reasons why that works completely against hank's character, and takes away connor's say in the whole situation?? hank IS a dad. he's a dad to a dead boy. basically his whole fuckin personality is him mourning over the loss of cole because he loves him SO much. you think he's gonna cling to the first mentee he's had since cole's death and immediately have him replace his dead fucking child? that's like, making hank give into some kind of fucked up delusion. that's mentol illness luv. imagine misunderstanding a character THAT badly.

and that isnt even getting into the whole "you're taking away all of connor's agency as a fully grown adult man" thing. he's not a child. he's an android that was activated only a few months ago, sure, but he was literally created to be like 27-33 or something. he deals with guns. he looks at pole dancers at the eden club. he works with murder scenes. you literally ARE taking away all of his agency as an adult man by seeing him as some little puppyboy that needs a dad to take care of him.

i mean of course you can take these characters and do whatever you want with them outside of canon, they're basically just barbie dolls lmao. but to claim that it's CANON that hank would think of connor as his own literal son, that he thinks that before the game's even over?? absolutely fucking not. those jokes of hank being like "who's my son?" and connor answering "me:)" and hank's relationship bar goes up, it's cute i guess but if that happened in the game? if that was a real choice in the game? hank would've shot connor without a second fucking thought. hell no hank would've thought connor was anything CLOSE to what cole was to him. hank straight up would've murdered the real connor and not even been upset about it when sixty told him so. david cage can eat my entire ass for agreeing that they're father and son, he just said that because he's a homophobic piece of shit, and that's literally the ONLY thing ever to point at them having that sort of relationship.

and i'm not gonna sit here and be like "but anyways here's all the reasons hank and connor are TOTALLY in love" because i dont actually think that's canon either. i'm just playing with them like barbie dolls lmao. my problem is people taking subtext that doesnt fucking exist of them being "like father and son" and claiming it's the be all end all of their whole relationship. their view of them as father and son is the ONLY way to see them. which is just not fucking true. there's NOTHING in canon to support them as being anything but close friends or enemies. that's it. and then they come onto these posts about hankcon, which obviously have NOTHING to do with them since they dont ship it, and tell the OP who ships them "fuck you." like?? you could have just scrolled. you could have just kept fucking scrolling. you fool. you moron. what happened to ship and let ship. just fucking move on, jesus christ. stop taking the time and effort out of your day to go out of your way to 1) make yourself upset by seeing this content and not just blacklisting it and blocking the posters, and 2) making someone else upset that you took the time to be a shithead on something that obviously wasn't even meant for you but made THEM happy. just stop !!! log off!! touch grass!! and this goes for hankcon shippers who do the same!! what the fuck is wrong with you!! we're all just here to vibe and love on these dork ass characters!!!!! fuck !!!!!!!!!!!

also it's super cringe when bryan dechart is playing the game and you're all screaming "wow best father son duo everrrrr" in the chat as if that also doesnt make bryan uncomfortable because he's gotta be super fucking careful about how he fuckin speaks about his character to everyone and not piss off all the rabid father-sonners by insinuating they're only friends. just. shut the fuck up. hankcon shippers who try to shove it in other people's faces also need to shut the fuck up. jesus fucking christ

IN OTHER WORDS. old man yells at cloud is basically me rn

^actual pic of me

anyways here's a cookie 🍪

[gregoftom]

Between s3-s4 something sexual definitely happened, even if it's just them talking up about sex homoerotically and making themselves horny in the process with no other actions lol because the energy between them changed like it's not as repressed? But gentler somehow? But also greg got more desperate? It's like he had a taste of whatever tom gave him and he wanted more

Realistically I don't think anything happened in s1, but to support 'comphet greg in later seasons' theory, in s1 when they went out for tom's bachelor party greg, after assuming the party would have orgies, particularly asked for an area where he could... NOT do that, so. Sure we can chalk that to him wanting to supervise kendall but tbh he was pretty unenthusiastic about the sexual nature of the party overall? Idk

yep! for sure. i absolutely think so. like not only did they become best friends they also crossed some sort of barrier, that much is certain. all of what you say yeah yeah exactly UGH. they can't really hide the way they're acting around each other and the difference in it - mfs are acting like a mated pair or something, adding to tom's chagrin when greg "gets with a girl" OR greg's jealousy too - now that i think connor's wedding with the greglets and such is the first time we've seen greg get jealous!!!!! hmmm what could have POSSIBLY happened between them to make greg more attached to tom? what could have transpired to make greg want to spend more time with him, to look after him, to go everywhere with him? tom is so fucking gleeful bc i think he can Tell that greg is jealous and it's the First time that's happened so ofc he's gonna milk that shit. i hope when the scripts come out we get to see how exactly that conversation ends because in the episode, greg walks off and continues the conversation where we can't hear.

yeah no i agree i don't think anything could've happened then it's too early, though i do like to have fun with it because jesus christ. i went to market and which side are you on are Very. lol but yeah no i think most likely as we've said, s3-4 gap is the first time. but oooooh! yeah! you're right! also when they went to the club in 1.06 he wasn't really interested in the girls and stuff either. it could be not an indicator of that but it also could be! good catch!

[sevensoulmates]

This episode just makes me so fucking mad. Like Connor is sitting here manipulating every single one of Buck's buttons, whether it's a conscious act or not.

He says "do you know what it's like to fail someone you love"? Of course Buck does, and he's made it his mission in life to always save them, even at the detriment of himself. He knows what it's like to always feel like you're letting other people down even when he ISN'T or it's NOT HIS FAULT.

And then saying he chose Buck because he knew Buck was a good person and somehow that would automatically make the kid good too? Playing exactly into Buck's desire for people to want him, for someone to see that he's worthy, worthy enough for something permanent, worthy enough to stay. What's more permanent than bringing a kid into the world? (Also is Connor dumb or just stupid, because it doesn't matter if you have the DNA of a nice person, if Connor and Kameron raise the kid to be a dick, the kid's gonna be a dick. And also!!! Connor is so far removed from Buck he doesn't actually know any of Buck's prominent faults either! As much as I love Buck, and think he's a lovely wonderful person, he's also deeply flawed and those flaws often cause issues for himself and others. If Nature was the only thing determining a child's personality, then Buck's kid would also end up with the same flaws as Buck. Does Connor think about this? No. Because he's not actually Bucks' friend. He's an acquaintance at best.)

Jesus Christ. Jesus FUCKING Christ. I'm remembering why I hated this arc so much it's so painful to see Buck being so grossly manipulated like this.