#Look Steve still has some baggage after the 'bullshit' talk

[metalhoops]

People debate if Eddie or Steve would say ‘I love you’ first, but I propose an alternative perspective where they both say it long before they start dating and confuse the hell out of everyone, including themselves. 

Almost dying could put your life into perspective. 

When Eddie awoke in his hospital bed with his uncle at his side and the late afternoon light shining through the window blinds, he was struck with the kind of death-bed revelation reserved for men sentenced to dangle from gallows or grit worn teeth down the muzzle of guns. He was alive, despite the assumed certainty of his death hours or days before. 

Eddie let Wayne hold him, despite how much it hurt because the pain reminded him he was alive, that he’d made it out on the other side. Without thought, Eddie told Wayne he loved him. It wasn’t the first time he’d said it, but he couldn’t remember the last time it’d happened. 

They were long past the first few tumultuous years when Eddie had moved in with Wayne. Where they’d tiptoed around each other and waited with bated breath for their shared peace to go wrong. Eddie hadn’t been used to living in a household where he didn’t have to walk on eggshells to get by and Wayne wasn’t used to looking after himself, let alone a kid. 

They’d since found their rhythm, but it wasn’t often either man voiced their affections. Wayne showed his love. He didn’t speak it. That was just the way he was. Eddie didn’t share the man’s reservations, not anymore. His adolescents was a wave that had long since crested, and all care for others’ opinions had been thrown out the window. He wasn’t shy with his love, but his proximity to death made him reckless with it. 

When Dustin appeared at his bedside not long after, looking as though he were staring down a spectre, Eddie knew he had to do something. He leaned over, ruffled Dustin’s hair and told the kid everything was going to be okay, that he loved him. 

When the whole mess had died down and Eddie was able to come out of hiding, he showed up in Gareth’s garage at the usual time for band rehearsal. He was bombarded by a mess of limbs and an earful of questions. He told them his well-practised lie then muttered how glad he was to be back, how much he loved those stupid sons of bitches, because he did and they should know it. He’d never told them that before. 

What Eddie hadn’t expected was to fall fast and hard for Steve Harrington. Eddie wasn’t one for fast affection or grand romantic ideals. He had his head firmly attached to his shoulders, thank you very much. He knew fast love was just infatuation. You were falling for the idea of a person, not the real deal.

He knew it was stupid and yet at seeing Steve sprawled out on the floor of his trailer, in front of their shitty Philips Color TV, his usually styled hair mussed, Eddie thought he loved him, which was a terrible thought because it meant Eddie had to tell him. 

Steve was straight, and Eddie had only known him for two months. Sure, they’d floated past each other in high school, but that wasn’t this Steve. The Steve he loved. It was pathetic. Eddie was well aware. All the same, when he caught Steve’s curious brown eyes, he knew he’d have to tell him. Nothing good would come of it, but he was sick of leaving things unsaid. After all, he could die tomorrow. 

“What are you thinking about?” Steve asked, appearing blissfully ignorant of Eddie’s inner turmoil. 

“Nothing, I’m just glad you’re here. I love you, man.” 

Eddie spoke before his brain had the time to think through his actions. He tacked on a haphazard ‘man’, as though it lessened the severity of the statement. Eddie had never called anyone ‘man’ in his life- who the hell was he? 

“Oh, yeah. Me too,” Steve mumbled absentmindedly, laying back down and looking at the TV as the commercials came to an end. He was so cool and unbothered. 

Eddie was sure he’d taken his confession as a platonic one, which was what he’d hoped for. He’d got it off his chest, but it wasn’t going to screw up the good thing they had going. What he didn’t know was the meaning behind Steve’s response, ‘me too’ what? Was he glad he was with Eddie or...? 

“I love you too, Munson. I can hear the cogs ticking from over here and I want to watch the movie. You got me invested now,” Steve grumbled, returning his attention to the fantasy film Steve had no right to be as emotionally invested in as he was. 

“Have I got you invested or has Tom Cruse in chain mail got you invested?” Eddie joked, pushing his luck as he felt Steve lean over to smack his shoulder, mumbling ‘asshole’, under his breath. 

What Eddie hadn’t expected was for it to become a habit. Sure, he made a point of telling Wayne, Corroded Coffin and his band of misfit children he loved them when the mood struck, but with Steve, it somehow became a daily occurrence, what floored him most was that Steve was the one who started it. 

The next time they saw each other was when Eddie went to grab a movie from the Family Video store. At least that was the excuse he’d given to see Steve again. He chatted with Steve and Buckley before grabbing whatever caught his eye in the horror section and was about to head out with an overdramatised bow and salute when Steve smirked and mumbled, ‘love you, Munson,’ before his eyes widened in alarm. He caught Robin’s hawklike gaze shifting between them as she choked on a days-expired potato chip. 

“I meant... see you, Munson,” Steve amended awkwardly. Eddie shrugged his shoulders, practically preening at the slip of the tongue. He liked how Steve said it. Something about it felt special. 

“Love you too, Stevie,” he called as he turned to retreat to the safety of his van, not wanting to witness whatever can of worms he’d opened between Steve and Buckley. 

That was all it took to form a habit. He would spend the night at Steve’s place since the guy's parents had been MIA for months, and as the two went to part ways Steve would take one look at Eddie’s beaten-up van and mumble, ‘drive safe you idiot, love you,’ and a smile would threaten to split Eddie’s face in two. ‘love you too, jerk’. For a while, it was a tradition reserved for the two of them. Robin had to bear witness to the brunt of the love confessions, as Eddie would visit them at work, but in many ways, Steve saw Robin as an extension of himself, so for the most part, it was just between them. 

That was until Steve showed up to band practice. Eddie had offhandedly mentioned the time and location of their rehearsals in the hopes that one day Steve would show up. When he did Eddie was over the moon. He was halfway through a killer guitar solo when the familiar BMW Beamer pulled up the drive. With the rest of his bandmates promptly forgotten, Eddie lay his Warlock gently in his case (because no matter how absentminded the guy was he still cared about that damn guitar like a kid) then ploughed forward to meet Steve at the mouth of the garage. 

“Stevie, you came.” 

Eddie was too excited at the prospect of Steve watching him play. Music, along with D&D, was his creative outlet. It said everything his tongue couldn’t articulate and he had a lot he wanted to say to Steve.

Anyone who knew Eddie knew he was excitable and theatrical. He didn’t know how to do things in half measures. His bandmates shouldn’t have been surprised when Eddie wrapped his arms around Steve’s midsection, picked him up and spun him in several dizzy circles, only setting him down when they almost tumbled ass backwards over Gareth’s drum set. 

Eddie may have witnessed Steve try that move on Wheeler years before, but he’d deny it if anyone asked. Steve made the act seem easy and graceful. With Eddie at the helm, it was a chaotic jumble of limbs. While Steve gripped onto the man’s arm for dear life, not used to being manhandled, though by the fitful gasps of laughter that escaped his lips at the motion, Eddie noted he wasn’t opposed to it. When the two broke apart, Eddie felt his bandmates' watchful eyes on them, all sharing twin looks of confusion. 

“You’re going to break something, dumbass,” Steve grumbled as he smoothed over his hair and bowed his head to hide the blush from his cheeks.

Eddie tried to carry on with the rehearsal as usual, but he’d admit he added some peacocking for Steve’s benefit, not that the boy seemed to mind. Steve watched from one of Gareth’s bean bag chairs. It wasn’t his type of music, Eddie knew that, but the guy still watched enamoured. 

When the band was finished for the day, Steve managed to make small talk with the other boys when a thought struck Eddie. 

“What are you doing after this, Steve? The boys and I are having a movie marathon at my place. Want to hang out?” Steve blinked owlishly, surprised to be invited to what appeared to be a ‘band-only deal’. That wasn’t exactly true. Sometimes Jeff’s girlfriend or Grant’s brother would join them, once Gareth had even invited a guy over. Eddie had never done it, but there was a first time for everything. 

“I could do a movie night. I’ve gotta pick up Dustin from the Byers first, though, so I’ll meet you there,” Steve reasoned, and Eddie nodded, knowing Dustin came first. The little guy had weaselled his way into Steve’s heart and there was no way Eddie would ask him to forget the kid. Dustin had Eddie wrapped around his little finger as well, the brat.  

“Alright, meet you there. Love you, Stevie.” 

“Love you too.” The words rolled off Steve’s tongue easily as breathing. 

Left in Steve’s wake was utter chaos from the rest of the Corroded Coffin members. 

“Dude, why didn’t you tell us you were dating Steve Harrington?” Gareth berated, knocking Eddie’s shoulder roughly. 

“Seriously? What the hell, man? I never would’ve called that,” Jeff added before Eddie could get a word in edge-wise. 

“Wait, I’m lost, Harrington’s gay now?” Grant muttered, looking between the other boys. His bandmates knew Eddie was gay, but they’d definitely pulled the rest out of their asses. 

“I didn’t tell you because we’re not, and he’s not. Far as I’m aware. Can you guys drop it before we get back to mine? Steve doesn’t know I am and I’m planning on keeping it that way, thanks.” All three boys looked at Eddie as though he’d grown a third head. 

“But you guys were aggressively flirting,” Gareth argued. 

“You said you loved each other,” Jeff added. 

“Yeah, but I tell you guys I love you,” Eddie argued. 

“Definitely not like that and if you did, I’d be trying to work out how to let you down gently because Eds you’re firmly in the brother zone,” Gareth reasoned, playing with his drum kit. 

After that day, Eddie thought he should use his ‘I love yous’ more sparingly with Steve. Sooner or later, the guy was going to work out that the intent was anything but platonic. He’d gotten to know Steve well since the incident with The Upside Down. Nine months had passed and Eddie was still sickeningly sure he loved Steve. It’d gone past any form of infatuation. 

He knew who Steve Harrington was and what he wanted. Steve wanted his future to be a gaggle of kids, crammed into an R.V. heading out on family vacations. If they were to do it, it would be anything but the conventional nuclear family of Steve’s dreams but Eddie couldn’t help but fantasise about ways they could make it work. He wanted it. He was beyond screwed. 

When he and Steve were parting ways after the band’s movie night. This time Eddie uttered a lame,

“See you later, Stevie.’ 

To his surprise, he caught a look of confusion flash across Steve’s face. He opened and shut his mouth, looking as though he were weighing up his options. Unlike Eddie, the guy was good with social interactions. He knew how to read a room. 

��See you,” Steve replied, awkwardly smoothing down his hair in what Eddie knew to be a self-soothing gesture. Weird. 

Eddie kept this new, more formal, stilted form of goodbye going for a week, hating every second of it. He could feel Steve pulling away from him. Suddenly when he wanted to spend time with the guy, he was busy. The one time he hadn’t said ‘I love you’ back to Steve in front of Robin she shot him a look like he’d just kicked a wounded puppy. Eddie was understandably confused. 

It took the passing of another week for Steve to call him out on it. Eddie showed up on Steve’s doorstep unannounced, insisting they hang out because Steve had been avoiding him and he damn well wanted to know why. Steve let him in, much to Eddie’s surprise. 

“Did I do something wrong?’ Steve asked out of the blue as the two sat hunched over at the Harrington’s dining room table, looking over Eddie’s Dark Tower board game. Steve had picked it up surprisingly fast when he’d first brought the game to his place. 

Eddie’s eyes swept over the board before shaking his head. 

“No, that was a safe move. You’re fine.” Steve’s brows drew together, and he shook his head. 

“I’m not talking about the game,” He grumbled, still not meeting Eddie’s eyes. Alright, what had Eddie done wrong now? 

“What? No. Stevie. Why would you think that?” 

Eddie had been asking himself the same question: what had he done to push Steve away? Now that Eddie was focusing on Steve, he noticed how the boy had hunched over himself, his shoulders up around his ears. His body tucked into itself. Usually, Steve was confident and unbothered, but he looked so small. Eddie knew something was very wrong.  

“You stopped saying...” Steve’s voice trailed off. He rolled his eyes, looking pissed off. Not with Eddie, but with himself. 

“Doesn’t matter. It’s stupid. My knight guy is going to the ruins,” Steve amended before Eddie could get a word in edge-wise. He leaned over, pushing the keypad on the tower, obnoxious electronic music filling the silence between them.

Eddie finally understood what Steve was worried about. Instead of taking his next turn he twisted a strand of hair around his finger and inhaled. Screw what other people thought. Since when did he care, anyway? 

“Steve,” Eddie breathed. Full name. Serious business. Steve looked up. 

“I love you. Sorry I haven’t said it in a while. I was getting in my head about... stuff.” Steve nodded, trying to look uncaring, but he failed miserably, his face scrunched and contorted. 

“Stevie, I can hear the cogs ticking from here. Whatever you want to say, say it,” Eddie breathed, nudging Steve’s socked foot with his. 

“I just- you were acting like... Christ. Forget it. It’s bullshit,” Steve stammered, standing up from the table, suddenly a bundle of energy, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but there. 

“What was I acting like?” Eddie asked, staying rooted to his seat, though his fingers drummed on the table nervously. 

“Like we were in love,” Steve spoke at last, scrubbing a hand over his face. 

“Like we were in love?” Eddie echoed, unable to believe what Steve was implying.  He watched Steve recoil as the words escaped his lips.

‘In love’ wasn’t a description someone used for friendship. Friends weren’t ‘in love’ with each other. Jesus Christ. 

Eddie stood, cringing at the scraping sound his chair made against the tile floor. He really hoped he wasn’t reading this wrong. 

“Please don’t punch me in the face,” Eddie grumbled under his breath as he crossed the space between them. 

Steve remained rooted to the spot as Eddie hesitantly placed a hand on his cheek. He remained still. His brown eyes swelled wide and locked on Eddie’s. He waited for a beat, just long enough for Steve to pull away if that’s not what he wanted. When he didn’t, Eddie pulled him closer, crashing their lips together, his fingers snaking their way to the back of Steve’s neck. Holy shit, Steve was kissing him back. 

Eddie lost the capacity for logical thought somewhere between Steve’s hand finding his ass, and his tongue slipping into his mouth. When they did pull apart, Eddie felt breathless and boneless. 

“Wait, you actually love me?” Eddie asked when his brain finally came back online. Steve nodded, looking equally as shocked. 

“I told you that months ago,” Steve confirmed. 

“I didn’t know you meant it like that... you were so damn unbothered I thought you...” Eddie’s voice trailed off, a vague memory spiking of a story Dustin had told him a lifetime before. It was something to do with Steve’s dating advice. From what Eddie remembered, he’d stressed the importance of acting aloof, as if that actually worked for anyone. 

“I didn’t want to come on too strong,” Steve argued, sounding equally exasperated. 

“You, Steve Harrington, are a dumbass,” Eddie scoffed disbelievingly. 

“How the hell am I in love with you?” 

[emerald-chaos]

Insomnia

*gif not made by me, credit goes to the owner*

Hi Everyone! So it's been probably like...10 years since I wrote my last fic lol. Watching TFATWS has rekindled my undying love for Bucky Barnes and I just couldn't help but start writing again. I had to get my feelings out! I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I've been considering writing some more parts...so tell me if that's something you'd be interested in! I appreciate any and all constructive feedback or just feedback in general! Much love.

Pairing: Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 2533 (lowkey popped off...oops)

Warnings: Just in case...vague allusions to a dark past, struggles with mental illness, explicit language, and some suggestive conversation. Oh and some really bad jokes lol. Fluffy and angsty.

No matter how much you tossed and turned, how many sheep you counted, or how much you prayed and pleaded to any higher power that would listen – the release of sleep just wasn’t going to happen. You’re not sure why you were surprised, it’s not like this was the first time. You let out a heavy sigh and toss off the covers. This has been a nightly occurrence for as long as you can remember. When you were trying to rest, when there was no noise to block out the images in your head, it was a battle. A battle which you have always lost.

You flip on the bright florescent lights of the bathroom as you trudge in, dragging your feet in exhaustion. It takes a minute for your eyes to adjust to the harshness of the light as you place your hands onto the countertop. The cool marble feels good against your palms as you close your eyes and lean your head back, another sigh leaving your lips. You twist your neck from side to side, trying to release some tension and maybe get a satisfying pop. No such luck. As you open your eyes and gaze upon the person staring back at you a small laugh tumbles from your chest.

Jesus, she looks awful.

The dark circles that permanently reside below your eyes appear more pronounced than usual. The corners of your mouth hang low and you just look…tired. Like you were rode hard and put away wet.

The bottle of melatonin tucked away on your counter catches your eye. You pick it up and twirl it as you inspect the writing. “Sleep Support” you read, “may help promote restful sleep”. What a load of shit. You place the bottle back down and inspect the orange one next to it. The pills inside were about as useful as the melatonin. Nothing seemed to quiet the voices or stop the scenarios that plagued your mind. You splash some cold water on your face and grab for a towel to pat it dry. Your eyes drift to the mirror again, as if though the water was going to wash away the dead look in your eyes.

Yeah, fat chance.

Before you know it, your legs are carrying you through the compound. The only sounds present are the whirring of various appliances and the soft patter of your feet against the tile floors. The moonlight casts shadows over the various pieces of furniture and lights your path. Your fingers curl around the handle as you pull the sliding glass door open. The crisp outside air kisses your skin as you step out and close the door behind you. You find yourself settling down in your usual spot on the balcony and you sink into the comfort of the chair.

Many a sleepless night has been spent out here, admiring the way the moonlight gleams off of a nearby pond. Before the compound and the balcony, it was a fire escape and a bottle of bourbon. You kind of missed that coping mechanism a little bit. You were thankful, of course, to call this place your home. Thankful to feel safe for once. Thankful to be a part of a team that felt like more of a family than any sorry piece of shit who had been in your life before. Not that you were bitter about that or anything. A little baggage builds character. However, life hasn’t always been kind to you and your stupid brain had a cruel way of constantly reminding you of that fact.

In all honesty, Tony rescued you. You absolutely hated to allow him to relish in that fact, but it was true. He took a chance on a royally fucked up kid out of college who managed to skate by and earn a mechanical engineering degree. If you were to ask him, he would say it was because the first words you said to him were fuck off. Apparently, something about that translated to, “hey, I would be a great addition to your tech and development team”. Although, you were pretty sure you just really meant that he should fuck off. I mean, the guy’s reputation does have a bit of moral gray area to it. Somehow, some way, your tenacity made an impression on the billionaire. Now here you were - living at the Avenger’s compound, sitting on a balcony at 3:30 in the morning because you couldn’t turn your brain off long enough to find some peace and sleep. What a life.

Even as you were sitting here in your special spot, reminiscing about some actual good memories – your brain still tried to drift into the darkness. Glass breaking; voices, thick with hate, engaged in a screaming match, and the cold nights spent trying to find a safe space to eat and lay your head. Your fingers gripped into the arms of the chair as you felt the heaviness in your chest increase.

“God damn it,” you cursed through gritted teeth.

The panic attacks were a second nature at this point, but you still really hated when you lost control. Your eyes closed tight as you tried to rack your brain to remember the bullshit your therapist had told you earlier in the week. Something about 5 things you can see?

“We gotta stop meeting like this, Doll”

The voice ripped you from inside your mind and back to reality. Your eyes opened and were met with a beautiful pair of cerulean ones. You blamed the skip in your heartbeat on your fading panic attack - although, you knew better than that.

“Well, it seems to me that the only logical conclusion is that you’re stalking me, Barnes” you quipped as a grin spread across your face.

“Could say the same about you,” Bucky retorted as he sank into the chair beside you, “besides, been doin’ this a lot longer than you’ve been around”.

You rolled your eyes, but the super soldier had a point. Almost each and every time, aside from the ones that happened when the team was away, you two would meet like this – here on the balcony, both searching for something to replace the sleep that neither of you could find.

“Yeah, we get it, you’re old” a laugh fell from your lips as Bucky snorted at your remark, a grin remaining ever present on his lips.

The familiar silence took over as he leaned his head back against the chair, closing his eyes. Meanwhile, yours were hungrily taking him in - tracing over the stubble on his chin, the soft pinkness of his parted lips. Recently he’d gotten his hair cut and even though you much preferred the long hair, you would rather die than actually admit that to him. Your crush on the 106 year old grumpy ass was one of your best kept secrets. At least, you thought you’d kept it from being painfully obvious.

The man sitting before you, he had a tough exterior and a horrific history, but you knew him better than that. You knew about the way his nose scrunched up when you made him laugh and the way his eyes looked as he listened intently to every story you ever told him. You knew the sweet melody of his laugh and the far off stare that meant he was also held captive by his own thoughts. This late-night rendezvous had become somewhat of a routine for the two of you and you would be lying if you said it wasn’t your favorite part of the day.

The first time it was a short nod and typical white person, thin-lipped smile as you left to find a different spot to suffer alone. Shortly after, it developed into cohabiting the balcony – staying on your own separate sides of course, only occasionally sharing words. Then, before you knew it, the two of you would be sitting beside each other, shooting the shit like you’d known each other for years. Just two, incredibly fucked up individuals, trying to make each other feel a little more human.

Bucky had always given off the quiet, brooding energy. Typically he kept to himself, other than with close friends like Steve, choosing to stand in the corner and listen to the conversation rather than be a part of it. Occasionally he would give a quip during a meeting that would catch people off guard, but mostly he just sat there and stared. The Bucky you had come to know was nothing like the person that others wanted to make him out to be. Sure, at one point he was a masterful assassin who killed like he got pleasure from it – but that wasn’t him. The Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes were not synonymous.

If only the world could meet Bucky at 3am.

“What’s going on in that empty head of yours over there?” Bucky’s voice once again brought you back to reality as you laid your eyes on the familiar grin plastered across his face.

“Please,” you huffed, cheeks tinted a light shade of pink at the thought of him catching you staring, “which one of us has a college degree again?”

His laugh was a symphony to your ears. Your smile mirrored his when he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at you.

“So, what is it tonight? That nightmare again?” he asked, voice dropping an octave as his facial features softened in a way you really hoped only you got to see.

“Mm, not quite” you responded, your voice a broken whisper.

Bucky wasn’t the type to pry, but with you he wouldn’t even have to. Talking to him, sharing your deepest secrets and fears, telling him about the nightmares that kept you awake at night – it all came easily. Too easily.

“This week it’s...it’s that image of my stupid mother. Standing there with her black eyes and busted lip, telling me that it was me that was the problem. That it was me who...” you swallowed hard, the heaviness creeping back into your chest and tears fighting to wet your eyes. God you hated that you let this get the best of you.

Just as your mind started to bring you back to that dark place it was interrupted by the feeling of warmth spreading over your body. You looked down to see Bucky’s large hand resting right above your knee. When your eyes met again, he gave you a soft look that made your heart scream.

“I’m sorry,” you could tell he meant it as he gave your knee a soft squeeze.

A small smile flashed over your face and you had to resist the urge to reach out and cup his soft, stubbled cheek in your hand.

“Hey, we’re all a little fucked up, right?” you joked.

“Some more than others,” he replied, those beautiful wrinkles appearing around his nose as he scrunched it up with another laugh.

“Thanks, Buck... I’m sure you’d rather be doing anything other than listening to my sob story,” you reluctantly broke eye contact and looked down at the hem of your shirt as you fiddled with it in your fingers.

You were all too aware at the loss of contact as Bucky drew his hand back and leaned back into his chair.

“Doll,” he started as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes again - you could swear you almost saw a grin on his lips, “there are very few things I’d rather do than sit with you on the balcony at 3am”.

At that moment it felt as though time stood still. Sure, you had flirtatious banter back and forth occasionally and made a habit out of spilling your deepest regrets to each other during the wee hours of the morning, but this felt different. This felt like a confession.

You’d be lying to yourself if you tried to convince yourself, or anyone else for that matter, that you didn’t have a thing for him. I mean - who wouldn’t? The guy was a gentleman; he was soft spoken and caring, he was a dork who loved to crack jokes at the most inappropriate times, the type of person who would give you the shirt off of his own back if it meant you were taken care of.

He....well, he was Bucky.

And god damn it if you didn’t love him.

You’re unsure of how much time has passed, but one minute you’re sitting on your chair, chewing your lip and droning on about the man in front of you in your head. The next minute you found yourself on his lap, knees seated on either side of his waist as your legs straddle him and your hands connect with the skin they so desperately craved to feel. Bucky’s eyes opened slowly and met yours as you let the pad of your thumb gently run along the curve of his bottom lip. The uneven breaths leaving your chest hitched as you felt his hands grip your hips softly. Refusing to break eye contact, Bucky gently pressed a kiss to the pad of your thumb. You dragged his lower lip down briefly.

“Well,” he began. His voice was barely above a whisper but it’s thick, lustful tone made you shiver from head to...well, you know, “are you gonna kiss me, Doll? Or do I have to do all the work myself?”

He barely finished his sentence before your lips captured his. It was messy, almost all teeth and tongue. It was needy, as if it was the last time either of you would ever kiss anyone again. It was fucking incredible.

Bucky’s metal arm snaked up your back and found its way into your hair, curling his fingers gently around the strands at the back of your head, as his other arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you closer to his form. He was intoxicating. This whole situation was something you had briefly imagined months ago, but ultimately pushed out of your mind. There was no way that he would ever be interested in someone like you. Yet, here he was, tongue fighting for entrance into your mouth.

You aren’t quite sure who pulled away first. Both of you were gasping for air, chests heaving up and down as you both stared into each other's lust-blown pupils.

“You kiss pretty well for someone who hasn’t had a girlfriend since 1940,” you teased, laughing as he rolls his eyes at the comment.

“You just don’t know when to shut that mouth of yours, do ya?” he practically growled, ever so slightly tightening his grip on your waist, and you almost lost it from just the sound of his voice alone.

“Why don’t you make me, Barnes?” you leaned in close, warm breath fanning over the shell of his ear.

A yelp escaped your throat as you were suddenly jerked up to a standing position, locking your ankles behind his back as he effortlessly held you up by your thighs.

“Oh Doll,” he chuckled darkly into your neck, almost making you pass out from the sensation, “I thought you’d never ask”.

[rebeccccccaaa]

𝖒𝖎𝖉𝖓𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊

_______________________

ɴᴏᴍᴀᴅ!sᴛᴇᴠᴇ ʀᴏɢᴇʀs x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ (ᴀᴜ ɪsʜ)

sᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: After the events of Thanos (pretending no one needed to die and he doesn’t leave everyone for some dry coochie) , you and Steve have had this nightly thing going on and you’ve had enough being second choice. Being nothing but something to warm his bed just to leave in the morning.

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs: little bit of angst (so bad at writing angst), age gap (not specifically mention but implied), smut 18+ (rough sex, degradtion but also praise lol, unprotected sex, slight hair pulling, mirror sex, choking, oral fem receiving, i think that’s it idk)

ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 𝟻.𝟸ᴋ (ɪᴅᴋ ᴡʜʏ ɪ ᴋᴇᴇᴘ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ ʟᴏɴɢ ᴀss ᴘᴏsᴛs, ɪ ɢᴇᴛ ᴄᴀʀʀɪᴇᴅ ᴀᴡᴀʏ ʟᴍᴀᴏ)

________________________

“Well, I see you tomorrow,” Steve said, gathering his clothes yet again bolting out the door.

You didn’t say anything in return, just laid facing your back away from Steve as he left you just like he always does. You knew what you were getting yourself into when Steve first asked you do have sex with him. No strings attached just mindless fucking, getting laid for shits and giggles. 

At first it was fine, not exactly what you wanted but you loved Steve and you were willingly to take what you could. You and Steve had a pretty close relationship beforehand and became even closer after the initial offer. But then after a while, he started to become a bit more distant. Only talking to you when he needed to and leaving your side before the sun even came up. 

You thought it was something you’d done but he assured you nothing was wrong. But now every time you he sneaks out of you room to pretend like you didn’t just fuck each other into oblivion, you felt dirty and gross. But you let him back every night pretending to be ok with this, like you didn’t wish he would kiss you and tell you you’re beautiful.

Steve opened your door ready to leave telling himself, Don’t look back. Don’t look back. Of course though he looked back and watched your naked form tug the sheets bringing them up to chin curling in on yourself. He wanted to stay but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do that to you. 

You were still young and he had so much history and baggage. Part of the reason he even considered going back to 1945. He wanted to curl up behind you and whisper in your ear that things were going to be okay. He wanted to hold you and keep you warm, especially with winter coming to New York rapidly. 

Because as he said he couldn’t do that to you, you didn’t deserve it. This nightly thing was ruining yo and it was his fault. Steve decided then he had to end this; for his sake and yours.

+++

“Hey kid, you ok?” Natasha asked.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” you retorted, trying your very to suppress all memories of the last night. Steve was standing across her with cup of coffee in his hand keeping his eyes from looking into yours.

“I heard you crying last night when I passed your room,” she said softly, running her arm against yours in comfort. Natasha was like the mother you wish you had. You pretty much told her everything.

“Why were you up so late?”

“I was watching a movie.”

“Oh. Can we talk later?’” you asked her.

“Of course.”

Steve knew exactly what was wrong. What you two were doing wasn’t good for you guys anymore; but you couldn’t stop. You ate breakfast and rushed back to your room. Nat came in a few mins later closing and locking your door so you could talk with no intrusions. 

“What did you want to talk about?” she asked sitting on your bed. 

“I need to tell you a secret,” you whispered.

“Ok,” she leaned in smiling.

“Me and Steve,” you paused, “we’ve been having sex.”

There was a long pause but it wasn’t Nat to register what you. Of course she fucking knew. Her room was directly next to yours.

“You’re not saying anything. Why aren’t you saying anything?” you panicked.

“Hon, our rooms are next to each other. There’s a reason I stay up late watching movies.” 

“Oh I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize we were being a bother! Please don’t tell anyone,” you panicked even more.

“I’m not and haven’t said a word.”

“Ok, because if anyone finds out Steve is gonna be really mad.”

“Hey no one’s gonna know,” she assured you.

When she asked how all this came to play you told her everything. She had a suspicion that you had feelings for Steve and when she heard two going at it like rabbits she merely thought you wanted to keep the relationship secret. To say she became livid at Steve for taking advantage of you was a completely understatement. She wanted to kill him. 

You asked her if she would let sleep in her room tonight so she could avoid Steve at least for one day. After she said yes, you asked if she wanted to play video games but she said she’d watch you. You gamed for a while and started to get really hungry after a few hours. You ended up getting pizza delivered. Bucky and Sam grabbed the pizzas from the guy at the front and bolted to your room.

“Did you guys order pizza?”

“Yeah, you want some?”

“Hell yeah!” Sam shouted and waited for Nat to unlock your door. 

Same came inside as Bucky ran to the kitchen to grab some beers and sodas for you guys. When he returned you guys kept playing video games switching off whose turn it was to give shot at the game. You ended up nearly finishing the pizzas and left empty beer bottles and soda cans all over the table. All of you guys laughing hysterical, watching Sam do attempt after attempt of the section in the game. He kept dying in the same spot over and over and over again you all couldn't help but make jokes making you all nearly pee from laughing.

Steve had just finished a session of training alone. He usually works out with Buck but today he was nowhere in sight. Neither was Sam. He knew that Nat was in your room and evidently avoided coming into contact with you, but he thought Bucky and Sam went out to the bar or something. An invite would’ve been nice. Something to distract from thinking about you.

Although he didn’t want to, he figured he should go to Nat and see if maybe she knew where the boys were. He was giving Nat’s room a try before going to yours but when he arrived on the floor that yours and Nat’s rooms were, he heard loud laughter emitting from your room.

He instantly knew everyone resided there.

“What’s going on?” He pushed the door slightly.

You all got very quiet suddenly, especially you. You stood up and excused yourself to the bathroom, not even wanting to look at him right now. 

“We’re just playing some video games. Y/n and Nat ordered pizza and when we brought them the boxes, we ended up just staying. Where were you?” Bucky responded then asked.

“I was downstairs training.”

“Awe man! I didn’t realize how late it was getting sorry I missed it bud. I’ll be there tomorrow, for sure.”

“It’s ok. Hope you're all having fun,” Steve said before he left and closed the door.

“Y/n, he’s gone babe,” Nat came up to the door to tell you.

“What happened?” Sam asked. 

“Nothing,” she retorted.

“Ok well it’s pretty late we should get some sleep,” Bucky announced.

The boys left and when they did you quickly grabbed some clothes and your toothbrush and ran next door alongside Nat to get ready to go to bed.

+++

It had been around 3 in the morning and Steve still couldn’t seem to get even an ounce of sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about you and how he wanted to go to you and fuck until he was tired out but he didn’t want to use you anymore. He swore he wouldn’t. 

After another hour of painful silence, Steve through logic out the window and headed to your room. Maybe if he just laid beside you knowing you were just there, that could make him feel better.

When Steve knocked on your door, you didn’t answer. He opened it to see if maybe you were asleep; but he really couldn’t tell. So he stepped as quietly as possible towards your bed and moved the blankets. When he was met with cold sheets and full pillows he realized you hadn’t been here all night.

“She’s sleeping.”

Steve jerked his head to find Natasha leaning against the door frame, arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. He’d realized there was no getting out of this situation and slumped on your bed head falling into his hands. He ran his hands through hair wishing desperately they were yours but you had run away from him.

“Why are you doing this to her?” Nat asked softly, she wasn’t exactly as mad anymore now having seen that there is something more that neither of you are admitting to each other; but she was still pretty pissed. 

“I can’t sleep,” was his response.

“So waking her up to use her as a toy was the solution?”

“It’s not like that,” Steve nearly shouted.

“You need to stop using her. Tell her the truth or leave her alone.”

“What truth?” Steve asked.

“Steve, don’t play dumb. There’s something deeper than just mindless fucking and you know it. Unfortunately she doesn’t and if you don’t tell soon it’s gonna break her. She’s too young for this bullshit, Steve.”

“I can’t do that to her. You know how fucked up my life has been and dragging her into that? I can’t do that to her. She doesn’t deserve it.” 

“So fucking her at night only to leave in the morning and pretend like nothing ever happened between you guys is the better option? Really, Steve? I thought you were smarter than that.”

There was a long pause as Steve realize he fuck himself over from the start. 

“Fix this,” Nat said before going back to her room to sleep for the rest of the night.

+++

For the next few days you had slept in Nat’s room. Normally you would find yourself cuddled close to her but never completely squishing her like did this particular morning.

“Oh well good morning sunshine,” she laughed putting her phone to pull you closer. It almost made your stomach flutter because you wish you had someone to wake up to like this everyday; preferably with Steve though.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to keep you in bed.”

“Oh it’s fine. I quite liked the cuddling,” she retorted as you got off of her.

“If only Steve did too,” you said to yourself aloud.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, and Nat shouted that it was okay for them to enter; it was Tony.

“Hey Nat, so I was able to get a babysitter for Morgan for tonight; I don’t think I told you but, Lang’s kid-” he stopped when he noticed you were in the room too, totally unexpected.

“Oh uh,” Nat looked at you not so discreetly, “We should talk about this later.

“Ok,” Tony bolted out the door.

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Let’s get ready for breakfast, I think Tony is gonna order a special breakfast or something to get delivered.”

“Oh that’s nice.” you wondered if it had anything to do with what you hoped it would but you seemed to be proven wrong when no one seemed to say anything.

After one of the bed breakfasts you’ve ever had, Bucky, Sam, and Nat went back to your room to play more video games like the other night. You and Nat stayed on the bed while the boys were on the floor intensely slashing around in time with the game’s combat.

There was a quiet knock at your door in contrast to the volume of the television but your trained ears could hear it. You walked to the door telling the boys to quiet down before you actually opened the door. On the other side was actually someone you didn’t expect.

“Steve, what’s up? You need someone?”

“Actually, maybe I could hang with you guys? I brought food,” he smiled shyly.

“Oh my goodness, of course,” you let him.  

“Hey guys I’ve got lunch,” he announced, walking to the table off to the side of your room; since the boys moved it to roll around on the floor. You however waited by the closed door. You wished Steve would come to you when you were alone and not to hang out with his friends that you kept captive; and not for just sex of course either. 

“Yay!” everyone shouted.

“Y/n you should eat too,” Nat said, bringing you food from the bag.

“I’m not too hungry right now,” you responded.

“You might not have time later to fuel yourself. You’re gonna want to.”

Ok what is going on? You ask yourself. You still took the food she gave you though. That question would soon be answered thankfully.

Hours later and Tony barged in frantically.

“Let’s go you bums! Lang’s kid just came over!”

“Why didn’t you say anything!?” Nat shouted and kicked everyone out. 

“What's going on? You guys have been weird all day.”

“Did you really think we’d forget your birthday, babe?” Nat said to you.

“What?” your eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Yeah, we got you a nice breakfast, Steve brought you lunch, and Tony and I are taking everyone out to the club to celebrate your birthday!” Nat said hugging you.

“Oh my goodness, why didn’t anyone say anything? I wasn't mad but literally not one person, not even you, said anything,” tears brimmed your eyes.

“I know I’m sorry but hey now we get to spend all night partying for you and only you. Tony has all your birthday gifts at the club already, we got a VIP booth,” she winked at you. 

She ran to her room extremely quick and returned with a dress bag. She pulled out a short ivory satin slip dress that complimented your soft skin beautifully. It was backless as well and also had a small slit that was very high up. Looking at it made you kinda nervous. No way you were gonna wear that.

Wanda came in right after wearing an all black long sleeved off the shoulder dress that made her look so beautiful. She hugged you and wished a happy birthday before turning to the bathroom to grab you some makeup. While Wanda did your makeup giving you a very natural look to enhance the beauty you already bestowed, Nat changed into a strapless black dress as well that had a deep vee neck.

She took out a box and gave it to you along with the white dress and told you to change. 

“I’m not wearing this. Where’s the rest of it?” the girls laughed loudly.

“It's actually not that revealing, so don't worry about that. Also we’re practically gonna be in the dark.”

“What’s in the box?”

“You’ll see,” Wanda winked. 

“If you can’t figure it out though, we’ll help you,” Nat confirmed.

You went into the bathroom after grabbing some appropriate panties for this table cloth of a dress opting for nude lace panties wanting to feel extra sexy for your big night. After you put the dress, you admired yourself for a bit admiring the way you looked before opening the box. When you did you didn’t quite know what it was at first but after picking it up you realized it was a diamond body chain for your thigh. You figured for the thigh exposed from the slit in the slip dress. 

You came out almost ready to leave and the girls whistled and howled hyping you up. You picked up the pair of strappy heels set on your bed, being decorated as well with diamonds. You put them on and the diamonds wrapped around the ankle shining just like the body chain you had on your thigh.  You put on a pair of earrings and you were officially ready to party for the night.

You walked downstairs with the girls and the boys nearly fell over after looking at how beautiful you three were. Pepper was already dressed and downstairs dressed much more modestly but just as stunning. The boys were dressed formally but not black tie formal, just perfect for a night out. 

Steve more specifically was absolutely captivated by the way you looked. You always held yourself with elegance that made him blush, but this? How was gonna keep any sort self control when you look so fucking perfect. You smiled at Steve and everyone moved to the front where the limo that Tony rented was waiting. 

Steve held your hand and helped you inside almost immediately cutting Bucky off so that he could sit next to you on the way to the city. Once everyone was inside you were on your way to the club.

“You look beautiful,” Steve whispered to you. You damn near shit yourself, you were so in love with him.

“Thank you, Steve.”

When you got to the club you all got settled in the VIP booth, where all your gifts from everyone were. One by one you opened them as drinks came in, ordered by Tony and Pepper. You thanked everyone with a hug and off they were to dance. You cleaned up a bit while Steve too stayed behind. 

“You didn’t open my gift,” he said smirking.

“I didn’t?” you questioned.

“Well you didn’t exactly have access to it,” he pulled a box from his pocket. When you opened it was a gorgeous gold necklace with your birthstone just big enough at the center. You looked back at Steve and thanked him over and over again.

“Do you want me to put it on?” he asked.

“Yes, of course.”

He grabbed the necklace and you turned around grabbing and moving your hair for Steve to clip the necklace. When he had done so, he quickly but gently kissed the back of your neck, his face shortly lingering, seeing the chills and shiver your body had done. 

You felt your body grow cold and were about to say something when Nat had come interrupting your moment.

“Y/n, let’s go dance! Come on!” she dragged you away.

“What was that I saw,” she asked you when you were on the dance floor.

“Honestly I don’t know.”

After a couple hours of dancing you had gone to the bar to get some water and maybe a drink. When you got the you had met up with Bucky who was preoccupied with a girl he met tonight. 

“Hey, doll,” he said when he noticed your presence; completely ignoring the girl after.

“Hey, Buck.”

“How’s your night going?” he got closer so you could hear him over the incredibly loud music.

“I'm doing amazing but I'm a little tired already, thought I’d get some water.”

“That’s good. Stay hydrated, princess.” Bucky has been like a brother to you since you came to the tower. Him and Nat have always been your go-to’s and it’s nice to feel like you have family to care for you. That’s kinda what you are. 

You continued to carry nice conversation as you both drank at the bar. You decided since your feet were beginning to ache to sit on a bar stool but Bucky deciding against it. He stood nearly in between your legs, not in a sexual manner but just to be close to you because the music was so fucking loud and you two could hardly hear each other. 

But that didn’t translate well to Steve who stood at the end of the bar with Bruce and Thor; who ended up bringing Asgardian mead for him, Steve, and Bucky. Truth be told, he didn’t like the way Bucky was standing so close to you but he couldn’t blame him. You looked ravishing and Steve never told his best friend about your nightly encounters and definitely not how much he really cared for you romantically.

You noticed a pair of eyes piercing through you and when you turned you looked into Steve’s eyes. He looked betrayed and confused. Why would he feel like that anyway; you weren’t his. Especially since he’s the one who seems to show no interest in you beyond a nightly affair.

You figured you messed with him only to see if he would say anything, maybe that could push him to finally realize your his; you’ve always been his. Bucky continued to conversate with you at the bar and you opened your legs just a bit to bring him closer. To Bucky you seemed like you couldn’t hear him. But to Steve, you were flirting.

You reached out to Bucky and pulled him closer laughing at something he said, and Steve saw red. He bolted to the bar where you and Bucky were and snatched you away. 

“Hey, man. What the fuck is going on?” Bucky shouted to Steve.

“Stay out of this, asshole,” Steve practically growled back.

“The fuck, you good man? Don’t be grabbing her like that, dickhead.”

“I said stay out!” Steve let go and shoved Bucky away.

“Steve!” you shouted. You had zero clue why he was acting like this.

Nat came over and helped Bucky while Sam stepped into between the two. 

“What the hell is going here?” Nat shouted.

“Nothing,” Steve said, “you’re coming with me.”

Steve started walking to the front of the building, quickly calling a cab when you were outside in the cold. 

“What are you doing? Steve no it’s my birthday! ”

“Exactly, let me treat the pretty birthday girl to something nice,” he came and whispered into your ear making you shudder in arousal.

“And what would that be?” you retorted.

“Oh you’ll see,” he practically threw in the cab that instantly started driving to the compound.

Steve dragged you to his room and tossed on the bed before turning around, locking the door behind him. Your body trembled nervous and excited for what Steve was going to do next.  

“You think you can get away with that knowing you belong to me?”

“I don’t belong to you. You don’t get to say that, you never even stayed until morning.”

“Watch your mouth, princess.” he grabbed your jaw making you look at him. You shut your mouth real quick.

“You think you can act like fucking little slut around Bucky, practically begging him to fuck with your eyes. Well baby girl, your mine. Got it?”

You simply nodded your head, arousal pooling in your panties. Steve never showed you any kind of affection during your nightly affair but seeing him jealous and possessive was a huge turn on.

“Yes, captain,” he said, pulling your hair to make you look at him.

“Yes, captain,” you whimpered.

“Take off your dress, leave the chain and heels.”

You scrambled to the bed after nearly tearing your dress off your body. Steve went to the bathroom for a brisk moment unsure as to why but soon enough emerged rolling the sleeves of his collared shirt up his enormous forearms. 

You laid spread against the bed awaiting your encounter with Steve. He stalked towards you with a shit-eating grin plastered to his face; oh the things he was gonna do to you tonight. 

“Look at you.”

“Steve,” you whimpered, moving your thighs together to squeeze out some sort of friction to your sensitive pussy. 

“What? You’re squirming around around like fish out of water,” he kneeled to the floor, “but your fucking soaked.

In front of his face there was an embarrassingly large wet spot on your panties, the lace doing next to nothing to keep your arousal contained. Steve’s hands lingered up your  ankles and calves, kissing your legs and knees so softly. You whined and whimpered hoping for Steve to just have his way with you already, but he continued to be torturous and take his ever sweet time with you.

“What’s the matter you dumb baby? You want me to make you feel good? You want me to use my mouth on you and make you come as many times as you can,” he mocked.

“Yes! Please, Steve!”

With that he ripped your underwear going straight in with absolutely no warning making you moan loud. Steve’s tongue circled around your hole and his nose brushed your clit, driving you crazy. He brought his hand up to you and inserted a finger into your pussy.  

No matter how many times Steve fucks you’d probably never get used to even his thick fingers he often used on you. Not long after, Steve inserted another finger making you wrap your legs around his head, calves falling over his shoulders. Since you still had your heels on, they dug painful but pleasurable into Steve’s back, making him moan in return.

The moans eliciting from him make your pussy pulse around his fingers signaling you were extremely close to having your first orgasm of the night. Your hands flew to Steve’s hair and tugged on his long locks. His beard scratched you beautifully. He moved quicker and you almost instantly came all over his face. 

“Fucking whore. You gonna come?” Steve said. 

“Yes, captain! I’m gonna come,” you shouted.

When you did, Steve stood up quickly and manhandled you onto your stomach pulling you by your hips so your knees were under them. You turned your head forward toward the giant mirror that Steve had on his wall, said ‘it made the room look bigger’. 

You looked in the mirror and saw as Steve came behind you unzipping his pants then rubbing his hands roughly along your back. You shivered at how you laid completely bare for him, nothing but a body chain and heels, but he stood on his knees behind you fully clothed ready to use to his heart’s desire. 

“You think you could get away with acting like a fucking slut with that stunt you pulled? Did you think you could get away with that, you little bitch?” he smacked your ass.

You only whined as your body flinched. When you didn’t answer him he grabbed your hair and pulled up to your knees; your back completely flushed against his chest. 

“I asked you a fucking question,” he growled in your ear; making direct eye contact with you in the mirror. His sharp blue eyes are nearly black with lust.

“No! I didn’t mean it like that, baby,” you told him.

“Oh yeah? Cause it looked like you wanted Bucky to bend you over that fucking bar and take you for everyone to see.” 

“Maybe I did it to make you jealous.”

“Jealous?” Steve wrapped his hand around the throat making your eyes roll to the back of your head.

“I’m not jealous because you and I both know you belong to me and tonight I’m gonna make sure everybody in this fucking compound knows it, especially Bucky.”

You moaned at his words so loud it was almost pornographic. Hearing Steve become extremely possessive made you feel dare you say, loved. 

Steve shoved you face back into the mattress and grabbed his dick to line up with your dripping pussy. He gave no warning as he thrusted into you making you nearly scream in pure pleasure. You gripped the sheets hard making your knuckles turn white. Steve threw his head back from pure bliss in your sex. You felt amazing, perfect.

You looked at him in the mirror and came at the sight of him. That clearly didn’t stop Steve as he continued to thrust into you even harder than before chasing his own release. He grabbed at his collar shirt and ripped it open feeling overwhelmed with heat. 

His hand reached for your hair once again to pull flush against him. One hand circled around to rub at your clit, stimulating another orgasm approaching while the other wrapped around your throat more to keep you in place than bring you satisfaction. Tears streaming down your face in pleasure, mascara slightly messy and running.

“You feel so fucking good, baby. Look at us,” he looked in the mirror.

“You see how precious you look right now? Like a fucking angel.”

You could only whimper and moan at the sight in front of you. Steve completely ruining you in the best way possible. 

“No one is ever gonna be able to fuck you as good as I do, got it? Your mine. Say it, tell me your mine, princess.”

“I’m yours! Oh god Steve baby, I’m all yours!”

With that you came hard on Steve’s dick, him too; hot spurts of his cum shooting into you. You fell forward, arms nearly giving out but Steve picked you up and leaned back with you back on his chest. His hands moved softly across your body, everything quiet around you two. The smell of sex lingering in the air, silence wrapping around you like a blanket. 

You stayed that way for a minute. You tried your best to catch your breath already beginning to feel really sore between your thighs. Steve moved you and laid gently on his bed before hurrying to the bathroom. You laid there wondering if Steve just had an episode, a desire to take control of something again, or if he actually wanted you to be his, to love you like you would dream at night after he left. 

He came back wearing nothing but a new set of boxers seemingly to have cleaned himself up. He had a washcloth with him however and began to wipe your makeup you had on. Once you were clean he carefully removed your body chain and heels, rubbing your feet to relieve any soreness from them too. 

He picked you and set you on his bathroom counter, everything still quiet around. That silence was broken however when he turned on the faucet to run yourselves a bath. When you both sat comfortably, lying on his chest in between his legs, he wet your hair and gently washed it rinsing after. You dried yourselves and when you went to put your dress back on ready to leave for the night, Steve stopped you.

“Don’t leave. Please,” he begged.

“I thought-”

“I want you to stay,” he didn’t only mean the night, he meant with him… forever. Or at least as long as you’ll have him, so hopefully forever.

“Steve,” you whispered holding his face.

“Can we talk about this tomorrow? I promise I’ll explain everything, just I know I was really rough right now and I want you to rest,” he nuzzled his face into your neck.

“Ok, you promise?”

“Promise.”

He went to grab a shirt for you to wear for the night but you simply led him back to the bed and crawled underneath the sheets. He asked about clothes and you just ignored him enticing a chuckle from him. 

“I think I’ve fallen in love with you baby girl.”

But you were already asleep.

+++

The next morning you woke up with the sun shining the most beautiful golden rays upon your skin. You two talked about what exactly happened last night and where you two would go from there. Thankful, feelings were mutual and you felt happy.

Heading down for breakfast you held Steve’s hand and everyone looked at you guys strangely. 

“Did you guys hook up last night or what’d I miss?”

“It’s really complicated,” you said curling closer to his side.

“You ok?” Nat whispered to you before you and Steve returned to his room with plates of breakfast. 

“Oh yeah,” you smiled.

“I feel great.”

[grey-water-colors]

After All This Time (Bucky x Fem!Reader) Part 4

It's short, but I cried writing it. I've hit a bit of a writers block, but I think I've got that sorted out. I just needed to take a thinking shower and I got it. This will be my longest series and I'm trying to eek it out a bit, but I'm still new at this, so please have patience.

Summary: The real world is a scary place, even more so when you’re alone. You live alone in a apartment filed with the figurative ghosts of your memories. You’ve both changed since you last met your fiancé, but can love mend the gap after all this time.

Pairing: Bucky x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Talk of torture, death, triggers. Mentions of humiliation. Sadness, depression, self-loathing. ANGST. Fluff comes next time I think.

Word Count: 2,066 Shorter than usual, but I think I make up for it in feels.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A knock at the door startles Y/N out of her thoughts. She hadn’t really left the apartment for anything other than her job, which was only two days a week. Despite having almost completely shutting down, the house was clean.

Y/N opened the door and gaped at the person on the other side.

“Steve? What are you doing here?”

Steve just smiled. “May I come in?”

She opened the door wider so Steve could walk through, then shut the door gently. She turned around and watched Steve walk to the couch on the opposite wall and take a seat. She opted to perch on the arm of the wingback.

“To what do I owe this visit?”

Steve laughed quietly, amused with her. “I could say I just wanted to visit an old friend,” he smiled.

Y/N smiled but it fell as soon as it came. “But that isn’t the case is it?”

Steve sighed and she could see the same wear and tear in his eyes that every soldier carried around. He looked older, despite looking only in his 30’s. She supposed war does that to people though.

“I’m here to apologize for Bucky. He was out of line. I could hardly believe that he did what he did. I had hoped that if I gave him time, he would come here and do it himself.”

“You don’t need to apologize for him. I get it. I really do, and to a certain degree, he was right. But I have my own reasons for being here.”

Steve just nodded. “Has Sam told you about him?”

She let out a harsh laugh. “He didn’t need to. I was there. I know full well what he went through.”

“I wish I knew-,” he paused. “I wish I knew how to help. To ease his burden.”

“We all have our crosses to carry, some heavier than others. What we, and hundreds of others, went through was a horrific experience that isn’t easily put into words. He seems better though, right?”

Steve nodded, looking for words, “He isn’t the same.”

“None of us are,” she whispered. “That’s not the point of it though. If you’re trying to get the old Bucky back then you’re beating a dead horse. Help him become who he is now. Someone with more baggage than any person should ever carry. Don’t try to change him.”

“I’ll work on that. Speaking of people who have changed, are you ok? Sam says you haven’t been down to the VA in a while. He’s getting worried.”

Y/N shrugged and looked away. She wasn’t ok, but if she told that to Steve, he would do everything in his power to help her and she didn’t want his kind of help.

She put on a small smile. “If we’re going to talk about people changing, I think we should talk about you. What happened to scrawny Steve? You were my height the last I saw you and now you’re a buff giant.”

He laughed. “I’ve a lot to catch you up on.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Steve. Before you leave, I’ve got something that I was hoping you’d give to Jam- Bucky.”

“Yes. Of course.”

Y/N handed him a letter. The writing on the outside just said ‘Bucky’.

“I’ll get this to him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a knock on Bucky’s door, then Steve walked in. Bucky looked at Steve with a look of sadness and self-loathing.

“What’d she say?” he whispered.

“That there was no reason to apologize.”

Bucky huffed. “Bullshit. I yelled at her. I called her weak and pathetic,” he looked away. “She would say something like that though.”

Steve sighed. “She gave me this to give to you.” He held out the letter.

“What’s in it?”

“No idea. She didn’t say and I didn’t ask.”

Bucky nodded, reluctant to open it.

Steve stood up and walked to the door. “I’ll let you read that in peace. I’ll be in the gym if you need me.”

Steve walked out and Bucky stared at the envelope in his hands. It was thick, and there was something small and lumpy in it.

He looked at, debating whether to open it or to put it in a drawer and leave it there till ate him alive. Curiosity got the best of him.

He opened the seal of the envelope with care, being sure not to rip it. When it was open he turned it over and something fell into his lap. His heart dropped.

There, on his lap, was the ring that been used to propose to her with. The last he had saw it, it had been nestled next her dog tags in the master bedroom. Why was it here?

He pulled out the folded paper and opened it. Smaller papers fell out onto his lap. They were old and had yellowed with time. He picked through some of them. His Social Security card, his birth certificate, and his bank papers. Everything he needed to restart his life outside of the avengers.

He finally started reading the letter.

~~~

Dear James,

Can I even call you James anymore? The only other person who called you that was your mother and maybe your sisters. There are so many things that I wanted to tell you when I saw you. To say to you, but then things, well you were there. I feel like I owe you a bit of an explanation.

As you know, I was to leave a week after you. My orders were to fly to London to work there for three weeks, then get new orders. That’s not important though. What is important is that week that I spent alone was torture.

I wasn’t raised ignorant of the troubles of the world. Just like the rest of our age, I grew up in the Great Depression. My parents lost their job, and we almost lost our house. I grew up with the aftermath of the first World War. According to my mother, my father never recovered. War does that to people. It rips away your soul, takes your very being. I knew that.

When the second World War started, I would lay awake next to you and pray that US wouldn’t get involved. It was my worst nightmare. When the US did join, I knew, somehow that our lives were over. You probably don’t remember that I spent almost every waking moment with you. I was so happy when you proposed, but heartbroken as well. I just knew.

Knew that we weren’t coming back.

I spent the days of that week after you left getting things in order. Papers in the lockbox, hide the lockbox key. Cover the furniture to preserve it. I took care of everything. I left the ring in the lockbox.

I spent my nights awake in your chair, wondering what you were doing. Wondering if you were thinking of me. I’ll never know.

I was in Germany during December of 44. I was traveling with a group of soldiers. Everything happened so fast. Gunshots, yelling, blood. So much blood. That shade of red in the snow will always be etched into my brain. The German soldiers took prisoners, I was one of them. Out of the 25 I was traveling with, I ended up being the only survivor.

I transferred into the hands of Hydra. A replacement for a dead lab rat. My predecessor. They tortured me for so long. Wore me down to nothing. Humiliated me for game.

Every night as I laid in my cell, all I could think of was you. The memories of us in those three years. How perfect they were.

Of course, they weren’t perfect. We had fights, but they were never too bad. The apartment itself wasn’t great either, but it was home. The ceiling leaked in the bathroom, the floors creaked in the hallway, and the water took fifteen minutes to heat up. When you’re being tortured though, I guess that the mind only sees the good. I fixated on the apartment. It became the safe place. The only place in the world where the monsters couldn’t get to me. I held onto this place as long as I could.

But as much as the apartment was my safe place, all my memories of it were with you. So you had melted into that feeling of safety.

After they blocked away those memories, I didn’t even know they were gone. I became their puppet, a lab rat with no past or identity. Until I met you again. I didn’t know you, those memories were tucked away. My heart knew you though. I felt safe around you, which didn’t make sense because you were the Winter Soldier. Oh, but we worked well together. We did a couple missions, and I was living off an emotion I didn’t even know the name to.

Love. I didn’t know what that word even meant anymore, or what it felt like, but my heart reminded me every time you looked at me.

In the end, it was my fault that you ended up with the trauma you carry around pertaining to me. I got emotional when it was time to go, and we both suffered the consequences for it.

That happened in 1997. I went onto ice for the last time with a damaged windpipe, minor brain damage, and no memories to speak of. I was sent to Africa, and was going to be undergoing testing there, but my handlers got killed. I remained on ice for 27 years until Wakandan soldiers found me.

Shuri worked for 6 months to get rid of all the damage done to me with help of the notes that traveled with me. I spent 7 more months drowning in everything. I remembered everything. Every test, every horrid thing they did to me. But the worst part was remembering you. Remembering you and knowing what happened to you broke me.

It turns out I was right all along. We weren’t going back. I had to come to terms with the fact that you weren’t going to come back to me. So I reveled in the memories of you. Of us.

I had so many emotional setbacks, I was stuck reliving memories just from small triggers. A wrong look could send me spiraling into a black hole. But then I’d remember the apartment.

I couldn’t wait to go back. The one thing that had kept me sane, alive, and hopeful. The king paid for a plane ticket and I was back in New York. I wasn’t ready.

I had been so stuck in remembering that I didn’t, couldn’t, process the new. Still I persisted, until I could be in that apartment again. I had convinced myself that it would fix everything.

That it would fix me.

But you probably know that isn’t how life works. Those same memories that propelled me and kept me afloat, are now the anchor that drags me under. I’m drowning in the memories, and they cling to me. I’m trapped in a prison of my own making, unable to leave the ghosts haunting my memories of things that will never be again.

I stay awake at night reliving the days where I was happy, carefree, and in-love. But the truth is that I can’t sleep in the bed we shared because you aren’t in it. I can’t look at pictures of us, because we aren’t them anymore. I can’t wear the ring, because we are strangers.

So I live in a museum of things that shouldn’t exist anymore because I can’t move on. This apartment is killing me inside, but I can’t leave because I’ve convinced myself that this is the only place I’ll be safe.

The truth is, I am safe in this apartment, because the only thing that can hurt me here is myself.

Along with this letter, I’m also returning the ring. It belongs to you. I have also included your bank account numbers, so that you can access your accounts. I’m sure you won’t have as much trouble as I did.

I’d offer you a key, but I don’t think you’d ever want to step foot in here again. Truthfully, if I were you, I wouldn’t either, lest you get stuck here too.

Maybe in another life we could have been together longer, but just not in this one.

Love,

Sincerely,

Y/N

[venusandromedadjarin]

Bogota, Colombia

Ch. 2, Mi Cielo

18+, angst, brief sex, language, smoking, canon timeline, 1.7k words

The plane touches down in Bogota, Columbia at 7pm sharp, right on time, which means you had all of thirty minutes to find your way through security, baggage claim and down to the waiting area before Agent Murphy is due to pick you up. If your instinct is right, as soon as you hand over your credentials, Escobar would know you had landed in his country and there was nothing you could do about it. At security, you hand over your I.D. and passport, they give you some bullshit excuse about needing to check it in the back, and just like that, you know you’re on the radar. Sighing, you wait and check the time. Fifteen minutes and counting down. 

The kid finally returns, apologizing and handing your items back to you. You wave him off, “Sólo estás haciendo tu trabajo.” He gives you a small smile before motioning for you to pass. The baggage claim isn’t incredibly difficult to find, but you have to wait for the slow machine to spit out your bag . Another time check shows five minutes to spare. Rushing through the crowd, you descend the stairs and spot the whitest guy in the airport. Your heels click on the floor as you walk over to him, “Hola, gringo. Murphy, I’m guessing?”

He grimaces and takes your bag, normally you would contest the action but you’re too tired to argue. “Not you too, Lucio. Is it that bad?”

“Eh, could be worse,” you say as you make a show of looking him over. He’s tall and handsome, with blonde hair and blue eyes. Definitely sticks out like a sore thumb in Columbia. He chuckles as the hot air greets you both outside. It’s early evening but the humidity immediately cloaks you both. “Headquarters?”

“No, the ambassador told me to just come get you. We can celebrate tonight and then work tomorrow I guess.” He stops in front of an inconspicuous black jeep before unlocking the back and lifting your suitcase into it before moving to get in the driver’s seat. Observant, you think as you silently thank whatever God there is that he didn’t open your door, too. 

“Celebrate?” You lift a brow as you climb into the jeep, your skirt riding up on your thighs. 

“We’ll let you get settled first then drinks are on Peña,” he looks extra concentrated as he weaves through the narrow streets.

“Glad to see you volunteer him for shit too.” You put a cigarette between your lips, rolling down the window, “¿Te importa?”

He waves you off as you light it, blowing the smoke outside. “You know Peña?”

“Javi and I go way back. We were DEA in Texas.” Nervous to change the subject, you motion to the outside as you pass a clinic, “Where are we going exactly?”

As if he also doesn’t want to talk about Javi, he ignores your comment, “The apartments. They’re pretty nice. Connie said she can help you decorate if you want.” He huffs out a laugh.

“Connie’s your wife right?”

He pulls up in front of a dingy building with a gate out front, “Yeah, she’s the greatest. You’ll like her I think.” You smile at him, the nerves bubbling up in your abdomen at the thought of seeing Javi. He goes to unlock the door as you grab your purse and luggage, following up the stairs behind you. “Here’s your key, it’s down the hall and to the left. Javi is here,” he points at a door to the right which definitely has sexual noises echoing from it. You both cringe. “Connie and I are upstairs.” He glances down at his watch in the crappy fluorescent light, “Say we hit the bar in an hour?”

“Sounds good,” you turn to walk down the hall as he climbs the stairs but pause and call out to him, “and, hey, you can call me your y/n.”

He sarcastically salutes. “Steve,” he laughs and then runs up the stairs. A minute later you hear a sweet voice and then the door closes. Rushing inside your own apartment, you go to the phone, dialing quickly. 

“Val,” she picks up after three rings, “I’m here, chica.” She rambles on and you answer in the spaces of her breaths: “No, I haven’t seen him yet.” “Yeah, tonight.” “Drinks I guess.” “No, no, you’re the only one with this number.” “Si, claro. Y tu, Val.” 

The click of her receiver echoes into the silence of the apartment as you look around for the first time. It’s not much, but it’s home for now and it could be worse. Being an agent sometimes had its perks. You spot the radio in the corner and immediately dial it to the liveliest station you can find, cranking the volume up. Stripping, you find the shower and wash the sweat of the flight off, your stomach doing flips as your mind races between the job and the life you’re embarking on. 

————————————-

The leather of the couch sticks to both of their bodies as Javi grips Helena to him with a strong arm, their moans echoing through his apartment as he pounds into her. Breathing heavy, he collapses on top of her, kissing her neck as she revels in the orgasm he just gave her. He knows it, too. “Mejoramos cada vez que practicamos, ¿eh?”

“Ay, eres increíble, Javier.” She’s still breathing heavy, her fingers tangling with his brown hair.

“Bueno… No te pases, eh.” Helena leaves the couch as Javi lights up a cigarette, taking a drag before standing to pull on his jeans. 

“Es la verdad. ¿Qué me ofreces para tomar?”

“Whisky o agua de la llave.” He leans back on the couch, hearing music from somewhere down the hall. His thoughts wander as Helena starts getting dressed, complaining about his apartment needing a woman. She refuses the money he tries to hand her, instead taking his cigarette and puffing out the smoke. He watches her intently, before she leans over him.

“Dame un beso,” when he doesn’t make a move, she repeats herself, gently cupping the side of his face and kissing him. As she leaves, she gives him a crumb of information that would help the investigation and he looks longingly after her when the door shuts. That damn music echoes down the hall and he grunts, deciding to take a shower before going to get drinks and having to see you. 

————————————-

You hear voices outside near the gate when you close your door behind you, double checking the lock before descending the concrete steps. His back is turned to you right now, but you recognize his brown curls and that damn leather jacket he wears everywhere. The signature stance of standing with his hand on your hip makes you blush, but before he even has the chance to turn around, you’re being enveloped in a hug while Steve calls out to his wife. You laugh against the blonde woman, nervous but hugging her back.

“You must be y/n, I’m so excited to meet you. When I found out Steve was going to have a female partner, it made the move down here easier since there’d be another girl. I’m a nurse, so I’m not as badass as you but hopefully we can still be friends.”

“You must be Connie,” you pull back from her and hold her at arm’s length, “and by the way, nurses are still badass. Don’t let these boys make you think any different.” She smiles at you and you wave to Steve as she goes to grab his hand, Javi finally turning around and letting his eyes hungrily slide over your body. “Where are we going?” You decide to play with him a little longer, not saying anything but also not missing the questioning glance Connie shoots at Steve who just shrugs. 

“A little hole in the wall down the street. We can walk.” Connie looks a little nervous, but tucks herself into Steve’s side as they lead the way, your heels clicking as you walk behind them, Javi taking up the rear. You can practically feel his eyes on your ass. Once the couple in front of you is deep in conversation, Connie whispering about safety and Steve assuring her you’re all armed, Javi grabs your wrist and pulls you to a stop.

“You want to tell me what the fuck you’re doing here?” He hisses, careful to keep his voice low. Finally, he puts his hand on the small of your back, telling you to keep walking so it doesn’t look suspicious. 

“First off, he knows we know each other, pendejo,” you shrug out from beneath his hand, embarrassed by the physical reaction you have to his touch. “I’m guessing the Ambassador told you I’m your other partner. I called to tell you myself but you acted like a dick, as usual.”

He angrily rubs a hand over his face before pinching the bridge of his nose, “Did you ask to come here?”

“No, Javi. I’m not a lovestruck little girl. I got assigned here and I accepted. It’s fucking Escobar, did you think I would refuse it because of” - you gesture wildly between the two of you - “whatever the fuck is going on between us?”

“There’s nothing going on,” he whispers.

“If that’s easier for you to believe then fine, say the words.”

He’s quiet for a moment as he stares at you underneath the neon light of the bar, Steve whistles and waves before ducking inside. Javi’s brown eyes search yours, pleading with you and you’re suddenly struck by how much you missed him. Job or no job, he’s standing right in front of you and neither of you can admit that simple fact. You shake your head, ready to go down shots inside and forget you even asked, the anger bubbling inside your chest, “Maldito, Javíer.”

Just as you turn to pull open the door, he yanks you back to him, his forehead meeting yours, and whispers, “Mujer hermosa, obstinada.” Taking your hand in his, he gives it a squeeze before pulling open the door and leading you inside. 

[hopelikethemoon]

let it out (Javier x Reader) {MTMF}

Title: let it out  Rating: Explicit  Length: 3000 Warnings: SO MUCH ANGST oh, and Smut (oral F receiving, unprotected sex) Notes: You can find the Maybe Today, Maybe Forever Timeline here. Set in late 1995. I know I said I didn’t think I’d have a chapter today, I really didn’t think I would. I was pretty upset last night and all of this came out.  Summary: Reader and Javier finally discuss everything between them from Colombia. 

Taglist:  @grapemama  @seawhisperer @huliabitch @pedropascalito @rogrsnbarnes@thewallpapergoesorido @twomoonstwosuns @gooddaykate @livasaurasrex @ham4arrow @hiscyarika @plexflexico @readsalot73 @hdlynn @lokiaddicted @randomness501 @fioccodineveautunnale @roxypeanut @just-add-butter @snivellusim @amarvelousmandalorian @lukesrighthand @historynerd04 @mrsparknuts @synystersilenceinblacknwhite​

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You fumed as you sat down the file you had been reading, abandoning the sofa before you were tempted to flip the table over in your annoyance. 

“What’s wrong?” Javier questioned as he came back into the family room with two beers. “What is it baby?” 

You laughed bitterly and shook your head, “Look at the file.” You folded your arms across your chest and paced away from the sofa. “They just can’t let it go.”

Javier’s brows furrowed as he sat down on the sofa and picked up the discarded file. You watched him as his eyes scanned over the page, “What am I looking at?”

“The P.D. requested files from the DEA about Escobar’s ventures here.” You explained, your tone still dripping with venom. “They struck my name from every fucking file.” 

“What?” Javier’s jaw rocked, his tongue pressed to the inside of his cheek as he glared at the documents, shuffling through the other files sitting on the table. “I see Murphy and Peña everywhere in these files, but I don’t see—”

“Me.” You gritted your teeth. “Carefully omitted from a crucial part of DEA history.” You dragged your fingers through your hair, fingers curling into fists at your side. “Never underestimate the lengths that men will go to really prove what pieces of shit they are.” You gave him a look. “No offense. You’re not like them.” 

Javi rubbed at the back of his neck, shaking his head. “I don't get a free pass. I’ve done enough shit in my life that I don’t get one.” He gestured to the files. “But this is… what the fuck?” 

“I just love that you are still there.” You pointed out, looking away then. “I mean goddamn, they could’ve just rewritten history and wiped our whole team off the mission.” You laughed again, “I mean at least they didn’t replace me with fucking Chris.” 

“Baby, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t.” You shook your head. “They understand the situation at the P.D., it doesn’t fucking matter. It just… five goddamn years.” You lowered your gaze, lips pursed together. “I’m gonna go make sure Josie didn’t get woken up.”

You couldn’t actually handle being there with Javier right then. You didn’t want to keep exploding and you felt like you were about to erupt with everything you’d kept a tight cork on. There was so much about Colombia that you wore like a scar. Maybe a festering wound that you kept patching up and hoping would just go away. 

But he had his own trauma and it seemed rotten to unload on him. 

Maybe he could’ve done more. Maybe he didn’t fight hard enough in the end when everyone found out. Maybe you shouldn’t have forced him to keep it a secret.

But you hadn’t wanted to give up your career. You’d worked so hard to get there. In the end, your choice were causing everything you tried to protect to be erased.

Josie was out cold in her bed, her little fingers wrapped around the edge of her favorite blanket. You leaned against the doorframe, trying your best not to cry. 

She was worth it. Wasn’t she?

There were so many things you wished you’d done differently. Your hindsight on Colombia kept you up at night sometimes. If you had come around to your feelings for Javier sooner — if it hadn’t been that night. Josie might not be Josie. You might not even be with Javi. 

Everything worked out the way it was meant to. But then little things like the report came out and it made you hurt. You gave so much of yourself, only to have it all stripped away because you dared to have a child. And Javier was still right there! It wasn’t fucking fair.

“Can we talk?” Javier questioned as he lingered behind you in the hallway.

Your stomach dropped. Talks were never a good sign. 

“Yeah.” You swallowed thickly and pulled Josie’s door closed, turning to face him. “I’m just stressed.”

“I know.”

You blinked slowly, eyes holding his gaze until he turned away. “I wasn’t blowing up about you.”

“I know.”

You followed him back into the family room, sinking down onto the sofa and tucking your legs beneath you. “You’re very…” You gestured to him. “I don’t know.”

“Neither do I.” Javier admitted as he picked up his beer and took a sip. “I honestly don’t know what to say, baby. It’s fucked up and you have every reason to be pissed off but,” He pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek and looked away. “Do you…” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Do you ever regret it?”

You shifted how you were sitting, bringing your knees to your chest and wrapping your arms around them. “I don’t.” You told him honestly. “Sometimes I wonder… if things had been different.” You had just looked at your daughter and questioned whether you regretted her. 

You let out a frustrated sound and pressed the heels of your palms against your eyes. “Sometimes maybe I do. Regret isn’t the right word. I don’t regret either of you. I regret the situation… and the one I helped create.” You gestured to the files on the table. “They came down hardest because I lied. I sat in front of the ambassador and the director and I lied to them.”

“What did you tell them?”

You bit down on your bottom lip until you tasted blood, your eyes fixed on his face. “They asked me if the baby was yours.” Swallowing thickly you looked away, your jaw clenched tight. “I told them no. I came up with some story… I met someone in a bar. I never saw them again. You know…” You laughed a little, nerves making your hands shake. “I should’ve told them, but… I just had this feeling that if they found out that it was you that they’d send me back to the states. Maybe they wouldn’t have.” You glanced back at him. “I was afraid that if I wasn’t there…” 

Javier stared at you and it was hard to read what he was thinking, “What?” 

“I thought if I wasn’t there, if I got sent back to the states…” You gestured between you. “That it would be too much work for you. I was wrong because staying was considerably more work for you.”

“Yeah.” He clicked his tongue against his teeth and nodded in agreement. “I didn’t know they asked if it was me…”

You rubbed your lips together before you spoke, “It was three days after I told you and I didn’t… I didn’t know how to believe you were all in. I wanted to, God, I wanted to. But I just…” You rested your chin on your knees. “I was so afraid.” 

“So was I.” Javier said so quietly, you weren’t sure you were supposed to hear it. Your expression fell and he stared back at you. “You put me through hell, baby.” 

Thank fuck, he was going to finally bring it up. You knew it was there, lurking under every conversation. Three years, it had sat there like the elephant in the room and neither of you had touched it. 

“I know I did.” You told him, holding his gaze. “And we can’t ever move past it if we don’t discuss it. It hurts like hell, but we can’t fix this until we stop fucking hiding everything.” You dragged your hands over your face. “It’s always going to weigh us down and—”

“I had no one.” Javier interrupted you, his face flushing red with the emotions he was still holding back. “And I get it. Even better now that I know that they even thought Josie was mine… but I had no one to talk to. I couldn’t call my pops, I didn’t have Steve…” He laughed bitterly. “I had you, which was worth it, but… There was so much I couldn’t say to you.” 

“Then say it to me now.” 

“No, because none of it matters now.” Javier raised his voice slightly, but caught himself. “You might have let me into your apartment and into your bed, but you kept me at an arm’s length for the rest of the time we spent in Colombia. And I couldn’t be mad at you because I was afraid of doing the wrong thing… and then you’d both be gone.” 

“Because I refused to let myself believe that you wanted any of this.” You gestured around the condo. “We talked all the time and you never — ever — expressed an interest in having a family or having even a fraction of this.”

“Well neither did you.” Javier pushed his fingers through his hair, shaking his head as he looked away. “I thought everything else was all I would ever get.” He confessed. “After the bullshit I pulled with Loraine, I just figured… ship had sailed. I didn’t want it anyways.” He gave an incredulous laugh. “And then you came along and…” 

“You were the best part of that move to Colombia. I was so nervous and terrified.” You shook your head. “That first week working with you and Murphy just felt right.” You smiled at him, “You felt right.” 

Javier rubbed at the bridge of his nose with a heavy exhale. “I don’t do this shit. You’re not a fucking therapist and Steve has already been burdened with this goddamn baggage, but… I hate the man I was in Colombia. I still have nightmares—”

“I know you do,” You reached out and he took your hand. “I never meant to isolate you. I was so afraid that I wasn’t going to lose you.” 

“You weren’t and you aren’t.” Javi told you with the faintest smile. “This wasn’t the life I ever pictured for myself, but it’s the only life I want now. But there is so much shit and resentment.” 

You swallowed thickly and nodded. “So much.” You laughed bitterly. “I’m sorry I left you.” You wiped away a stray tear. “I spend so much time thinking about that morning. How peaceful you looked, the way your arm felt around me.”

“You broke fucking heart. Didn’t even know I had one.” Javier squeezed your hand. “Why did you leave?”

“Shame.” You questioned, turning to look at him. “Fear.” 

“Fear?”

You nodded slowly. “I thought I was going to be another stupid girl who fucked Javier Peña.” You stared at him, “And caught feels. You were so passionate and—”

“Because I finally had you.”

“I know now.” You shook your head, half-embarrassed. “I didn’t then. I thought that was just what you did. I thought it was all false promises and… I couldn’t cope.”

Javier pulled you into his side and you willingly let him, “I should’ve said something.” 

“I should’ve too.” 

You curled your arm around his middle and sank into his side. “I love you, Javi.” 

“I love you too, baby.” He pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “We need to… do this more often.” 

“Is there more?” You laughed and tilted your head to look at him, your brows furrowed together. 

Javier gave you a look, “I’m sure I can dredge up something.” 

“Oh God.” You rolled your eyes. “Can we please just go back to what dicks the DEA are?”

“That’s a whole different conversation.” Javier said with an edge to his voice, shaking his head. “I fucking hate them.” 

“Me too.” You chewed on your bottom lip as you stared at the TV. Whatever you’d been watching had transitioned into late night programming and David Letterman was running his mouth — a strange form of white noise as the background of your conversation with Javi. 

“I don’t want to fight with you.”

“This wasn’t a fight.”

“I know that, but I just mean… I don’t want this to become something we fight about.” You tilted your head to look at him. “You know?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, brushing his fingers over your cheek. Javier held your gaze for a moment, before he leaned in to kiss you. 

Oh. 

You curled your hand around the back of his neck as you leaned into the kiss, letting your mouth slant over his with a little more need. He met your need with his own, his tongue sweeping out over your bottom lip. Your lips parted, granting him entrance.

He used the arm he had wrapped around his waist to pull you onto his lap. You straddled him, resting your hands on his shoulders. “Is this—” You pulled back and inhaled shakily. “How we’re handling this?”

Javier arched a brow and shrugged a shoulder, “If you’re up for it.”

“Bed.” You told him, leaning in to steal another lingering kiss before you removed yourself from his lap. “I don’t want to fuck you with David Letterman in the background.”

Javier followed you into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him before he joined you on the bed. He laid on his back first, before turning onto his side to face you. “We still good?”

“Javi, we’ve been good.” You reached out to touch his cheek. “But at least we’ve addressed the elephant in the room.” You scooted closer and kissed him. “I’m so sorry for everything.”

He rested his hand on your hip as he pulled you closer. “Me too.” Javier brushed his nose against yours before he kissed you. 

You let his hair slide between your fingers and you groaned softly, hooking your leg over his hip in an attempt to get closer. 

He rolled you over, pinning you beneath him as he settled between your thighs. His sleep pants were thin and so were your shorts, the fabric leaving nothing to be imagined. At least you weren’t the only who had reacted to the situation.

“Javi.” You begged quietly, fingernails digging into his skin through the soft cotton shirt he wore. You grabbed at it, dragging up and over his head. His mouth was on yours again a second later, teeth dragging over your bottom lip.

You hated that it had reached a fever pitch, but it had been a long time coming. You were both terrible at communicating with each other. You used to be better — even if you said a lot without saying anything. When you were just friends it was easy to share what was on your mind, without risk of hurting the other person. But you never did share the most important things. 

Javier sat back on his knees and peeled your shorts and underwear down your thighs. He tossed them aside, watching as you tugged your shirt off. “You’re so fucking gorgeous, baby.”

“Shut up.” You laughed, nudging his leg with your foot as you looked up at him, a faint blush spreading across your chest. Javier caught your foot, fingers curling around your ankle as he held your gaze before he trailed his hand up your leg. He moved forward, settling between your thighs. 

“I’ve been thinking about this all day.” Javi drawled out as he pressed a kiss to your inner thigh, before he lifted your legs and settled them over his shoulders. He dipped down, his tongue delving between your sensitive folds. His hands trailed over your legs, holding you steady as you squirmed beneath his ministrations. 

Your lips parted with a breathy moan as your head fell back against the bed beneath you. “Javi.” You breathed as you pushed your fingers into your hair. He released one hip, sliding his hand over your stomach, grasping at your breast. 

He swirled his tongue around your clit, lips wrapping around that little bundle of nerves and forcing you even closer to the edge. Your back arched and you rolled your hips against his mouth. His grip tightened at your hip, holding you down as his other hand roughly palmed at your breast, scraping thumb over your nipple. 

Your release caught you by surprise, your legs trembling as the rush of pleasure coursed through you. Javier pulled back abruptly, but only briefly. He pulled your legs around your hips as he settled over you, shoving his sleep pants and boxers down until his cock was free. 

“Please.” You whispered as you curled your fingers around the back of his neck and dragged him down for a kiss, tasting yourself on his mouth. A moan got lost between your lips as he pressed into you. The aftershocks of your release left you clenching around the length of him. He barely drew out before pressing back into you, hip-to-hip and you rocked into him. 

Javier kept one hand at your hip, his other tangling in your hair as he cradled the back of your head. He kissed you desperately, leaving open-mouthed kisses down your throat and along your collarbone, before catching your mouth once more. 

Your nails bit into his shoulders, his arms, wherever you could cling to him as a second release built on the wake of the first. Your back bowed up off the bed and you let yourself get lost in the sensation. 

He pressed his face into the crook of your neck, your name on his lips as his own orgasm claimed him. His hips stuttered, the length of him buried within you as you felt his release spill. You didn’t let him pull away when he started to, your legs tightening around him as you held him close. The weight of him pressing you into the bed, right where you wanted him. His hand found yours, interlacing your fingers together. He had always been so good at the little touches, the little efforts that revealed the depth of his emotions. He had, ever since that night. 

Maybe you should have held onto him that night... when you hadn’t. You had been so afraid to believe that he meant all those little things. He had. But you could hold onto him now. And now that you had him, you had no intention of ever letting him go. 

[faecaptainofdreams]

I do not own Marvel. Yes, Wade drew this with crayon. Marvel HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… Peter HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… Wade HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… If you don't like this ship i don't care. Don't talk to me about it, find something you do enjoy. If you're into it, then thanks for stopping by! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- TW: strong language, mature themes ~~Humble Start~~ When Peter was 19, he met 25-year-old Wade in January when the merc was teaming up with the Avengers to help him find his target, who happened to be involved in something the Avengers were trying to undo. When the men first shook hands and Peter introduced himself, he removed his mask, to which Wade suddenly replied "Hot DAMN! What are you, a Disney prince?!" Peter, startled, backed away, and Tony urged Peter to put his mask back on. As it was, Spiderman and Deadpool got along. Before they all parted ways (with the problem resolved and Deadpool having gotten his man), the latter thought it might be fun to pop in once in a while and visit the Avengers. While the others drily insisted that he don't do that, Spidey thought Deadpool could be a potentially good friend. Despite Tony's aversion to it, Peter gave Wade his number and suggested they hang out sometime. Wade showed up a couple weeks later after having texted Peter off and on. Still shy about his appearance and preferring to not be seen at a lower profile, he came to the facility wearing fingerless gloves, concealing clothing, and his Deadpool mask. After he and Peter hung out the first couple of times, the younger of them asked if Wade would let him see his face. With lots of self-deprecating jokes, Wade said no. Sometimes Peter would go meet up with Wade and go mess around with him, and soon enough he introduced the assassin to his friends, Ned and MJ. They all talked to each other regularly, forming a tight little friend group. Wade sometimes felt like he didn't belong with them, like he was too old to be their friend, but they all had the same childish sense of humor. And given how intelligent the younger trio was, they felt mature to him. Many times, Wade forgot that he was older, even if it was only by a couple of years. As months passed, the Avengers got used to Wade's presence and didn't take much issue with Peter hanging out with him. It was innocent (although Tony loathed the sex jokes and vulgarity, especially when it was directed at his boy). It was clear that Peter had a vastly different moral compass and a much more sensible head on his shoulders, and was not going to be influenced by Wade's mercenary ways. He was trusted with the friendship. ~~The Crush~~ Wade fancied Peter from the start. The second the mask had come off, Wade was smitten, but he figured it would go away or just stay stagnant. He'd been attracted to and thirsted after people loads of times (hence all his sexual escapades), but he was never the settle-down type. He joked about Peter being attractive and sexy and made all kinds of quips, but given he was so crass by nature, Peter never took it too seriously. He did believe Wade thought he was attractive, but he knew he was like this with multiple people and figured it was harmless. Which it was, but he didn't understand that it was serious. The more Wade stuck around and the more he got to know the Spiderman, the more his feelings grew. He eventually had to face facts and accept that he didn't just like Peter for his body -- he liked his character. The boy was an absolute magnet; bright and sunny, happy, forgiving, generous, kind, merciful, hilarious, intelligent, and non-judgmental. He was the ultimate package. Wade also knew he was bisexual and knew that if he really worked up to it, asking Peter out wasn't out of the question or too far-fetched. What was far-fetched, to his mind, was the idea that Peter would ever say "yes." And even if he did say yes, was that fair to the Ironman's golden child? Wade was a self-sustaining disaster with baggage so heavy even Spiderman couldn't pick it up. As far as he was concerned, it was best to keep his feelings to himself and spare Peter the misery. What he didn't realize was Peter was starting to notice him, too. By Autumn, Wade sorely opened up to Weasel about his feelings. ---        "Ew, do you like...love him?" "Maybe."        "Gross. What are you gonna do?" Wade shrugged. "Nothing, same as usual. He doesn't need my insanity in his life, he's too kind and innocent."        "But you wanna fuck him, right? Maybe just try to do that." "No, Jesus! Are you even listening? Peter's not that kind of guy, and even if he was into it, I can't take advantage of him like that." Weasel's face scrunched in mild disgust.        "God, you have it bad for him..." "Yeah. It's like, he's a total bro, but fuckable. He's soft but strong, masculine but feminine, fierce but graceful."        "   " "He's the kind of guy you take on like fifteen dates, buy flowers and candy, get one of those stupid little Hallmark cards with some sappy bullshit saying how much the sender loves him. Then, you fuck him. Not at your place, but at his place, so he's more comfortable, and only after you've made him spaghetti and chocolate-covered strawberries, by candle light. You fuck gently. Passionately, but with strength, but you don't wanna hurt him. But he's secretly a sex tiger under the sheets, and it kinda scares you, but you love it, but you're still afraid to fuck him any other way than gently."        "I feel like this is a fantasy you've had for a while." "No, of course not."        "So...he's your friend, you want to fuck him, but you don't wanna just fuck him because that would be taking advantage of him. Because you'd rather have a relationship with him, but you don't wanna have a relationship with him because you think he deserves better, but you're gonna keep hanging out with him and torture yourself. Is that... I mean, am I close?" "Like a Hawkeye arrow through a nutsack with a target drawn on it."        "Ow. I think my left testicle just rose back inside of me in fear." "Balls are very perceptive."        "Okay, well here's my advice." Wade learned forward.        "... You're fucked." "Thanks, I totally needed help figuring that out."        "Who is the guy, anyway?" "...Peter Parker..."        "Pete-- like Spiderman Peter Parker?" "Yup."        "How the fuck...?" "I know."        "I feel like I saw his face on the news last year when he got all discovered, but I don't remember. You got a picture?" "Yeah," Wade grumbled while reaching in his pocket for his phone.       "Heh, 'course you do, you sick-o." After glaring at his friend, Wade pulled up a picture of Peter and zoomed in on his smiling face.       "WHOA, holy MOSES, that guy is good looking!" "I know."        "He looks like a stallion and a buck had sex with an Irish setter!" "Yeah, told ya. Fierce, but graceful."        "I've always been a pussy-man, but I gotta say... He's making me question my sexuality." "He has that affect on people."        "That is MAJORLY out of your league." "Thank you." Wade put his phone away.       "How old is he?" "Nineteen."        "Whoooa, a little on the young side, huh?" "Just a little, but he's mature for his age."        "..." "...That sounded a little creepy, I take that back." --- Wade began an off-and-on effort of keeping Peter at arm's length. He went through periods of texting and hanging out with him less, but whenever it was clear that Peter could tell something was up, he snapped back into the picture. He couldn't bear to make Peter worry or feel as though he'd done something wrong. This went on for a couple of months. Peter too, was beginning to feel a little bit of romantic sting. Wade hooked up with a couple of people over the months, including Vanessa. There was a brief period where the two of them copulated like rabbits, and that was with the ex-prostitute knowing that Wade had feelings for someone. In the merc's mind, maybe he could get his needs out of his system, but it didn't work. If anything, he felt emptier after each fling. Peter was attracted to Wade before he even realized he was. Always seeking him out, making sure their friendship was solid, feeling a constant need to have a hand on him in one way or another. He also played into some of Wade's lewd jokes and would tease him. Then there was the dancing and singing, of course, which only got more intense as time went on (a natural instinct of the jumping spider to try and woo a mate through display). Tony and Steve began to notice the men getting closer, and Tony was very unhappy. Steve convinced him to stay quiet and let Peter figure it out. In late Fall, Peter turned 20. Wade was there for his party, as were Ned and MJ. It was a lot of fun! Come December, Wade turned 26. He'd tried another couple of times to get away from Peter again, but the boy wouldn't let him go. They were like a binary system of stars, unable to pull away from each other, constantly drawn back into one another's path by an unseen force. For how long could this go on before they collided? And when they did, would they blow up and break apart, or make one bigger, more beautiful star? ~~Spoken Interest~~ By January, Peter came to terms with his own crush, and secretly told Ned about it. For the next month and a half, the boys gabbed about it, and Ned found it adorable and kind of funny. Peter said he wanted to ask Wade out, but was nervous that Wade wouldn't be interested. "Well you're not gonna know unless you ask," said Ned. Peter flirted a little more with Wade, but it mostly came across awkwardly. It basically felt like he was just humiliating himself over and over again, but Wade was noticing the difference in him. Regardless, he tried to respect the space, and refused to give himself up. In February, Peter asked Wade to hang out with him at a park somewhere and "people watch," since Wade enjoyed that activity. He felt it would be a nice, serene setting to keep Wade's attention and finally admit his feelings. He told Ned about his plan; the latter was exhilarated at the thought, and said he'd be standing by. Peter put on a warm but nice outfit and drove off to their spot to talk. Even though it was casual as always, they could both sense tension. They sat and chatted for a while, and with a racing heart, Peter finally found the right moment to confess. ---        "Hey, so... I've kinda been wanting to talk to you about something." "Hamburgers."        "I... What?" "Hamburgers! They're weird, right? I mean, ham comes from pigs, and beef comes from cows. Hamburgers are made with cow meat, but we call them ham-burgers." Wade threw his hands up, head rolling about. "The fuck is up with that??"        "O-oh, hah, I guess it sounds more appealing than...beef...burgers...?" Wade nodded thoughtfully. "Hm. Yeah, sounds kinda naughty." Peter could hear Wade's grin, and he stifled a laugh. His own smile was more earnest, but his desire flitted behind it. "Like beef curtain, or beef stick--"        "Wade." "Yeah?"        "Look, um..." He turned to face his company better, now getting nervous.       "You and I are...really good friends, right?" "Why yes, broski dear."        "Hah, well... It's just... Ahh, I don't wanna say anything and...mess that up." "...Well, what do you wanna say...?" There was a long silence.        "...Okay -- okay, total honesty... Wade, I..." He drew in a deep breath.       "I like you..." They stared at each other. After a long silence, the older male playfully slapped Peter's arm. "I like you too, beef buddy! ... Yikes, wow, see? Beef is just a naughty word." Peter blinked, thoughts spinning in his head a mile a minute. Wade knew what he really meant, but he couldn't begin to believe that in its suddenness. He was bracing for Peter to call him out on his own crush and possibly disown him, but this threw him for a loop.        "N... N-no, no Wade, I mean... I like you...as more than a buddy, or a bro..." He swallowed.       "Or a friend..." He rubbed his hands together, slowly and tensely, brown orbs wide while looking at Wade. The cold white eyes of Wade's mask pierced back at him. "...Oh..."        "A-and... I just thought, m-maybe, if...you don't think it's weird, or if -- I don't know, if maybe you liked me too, we could...date...?" There was another long pause. This time, Wade understood for certain. When he looked forward to contemplate, stunned expression hidden by the mask, Peter looked off and around, his heart sinking. There were times when Wade was genuinely difficult to read, and this was one of them. Wade was getting his wish, it was like the start of his fantasy had come true! All he had to do was agree to it. "Uh, I don't think we should do that." He regretted it the second he said it. Peter felt his heart drop, and his face begin to turn red with shock and embarrassment.        "Oh," he croaked while looking down at his lap. Wade's answer stunned him. When the merc spoke, he tried to bring it back to a place of casualty in the hopes of removing the heavy feeling from the air. "Look, don't get me wrong, you've heard me talk about ya. You're precious, and I'd be beside myself to fuck your brains out." Peter almost smiled, but the desperation for answers overpowered the natural response to do so. Wade continued. "But you're romantic, you need stability. I'm a one-night stand kind of guy, friends-with-benefits and all that. You're not really about that life, right? I mean, come on. You wouldn't sleep with me without getting to know me, right?" Peter swallowed something dry and thick. Looking away, the hope for this to go anywhere withdrew from his gaze, and he shook his head.        "No..." Even Wade was at a loss for words for a moment. He may have turned his head away, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see Peter's heart breaking. He saw his red cheeks, his pinkish eyes. He could feel the sadness, and a lot of it was coming from himself, too. But he pulled it together again and lightly slapped the back of his hand against Peter's shoulder. "Eyyy, come on, this doesn't change anything, right? We're still pals." Peter quickly nodded. He was polite as ever, but the sensation that he had just gotten hit by a train was easy to read.       "No -- yeah, yeah yeah yeah, it's -- it's just... It's a little embarrassing, aha, I mean... You know, I..." "Nah, it's not so bad. It's adorable! Like I said, doesn't change a thing. Now when we get past this, I can tease you about thinking I'm a hot piece of ass." Peter did finally crack a small, broken smile and shook his head. He was glad that Wade wanted to be friends, but the damage was done. "...I mean you still wanna be friends, right?"        "Absolutely! I just... It's kind of a hard pill to swallow..." "Yeah, I know. You put yourself out there, then get shot down..." With genuine remorse and a strong but hidden wave of self-loathing, Wade laid a hand on Peter's shoulder. "I'm sorry." Peter nodded again and closed his eyes. He felt emotional, but why? Did it really mean that much to him? Staying strong, he glanced at Wade, mustering a hurt smile.        "Don't be sorry, you know I prefer honesty. I mean it'd be really stupid to say 'yes' when you don't want that, right?" As if Wade's heart couldn't sink any further. "Yeah..."        "Look man, um... It's -- I'm not like mad or anything, you didn't do anything wrong, but... I think I should go home, and just, like...try to process it--" "Yeah! Nothing wrong with that. I'll give you a couple days to uh...reel."        "Yeah, I think that sounds good." When they rose to their feet, they both chuckled sadly. In their awkwardness, Peter offered his hand to shake, which Wade accepted uneasily, but eventually pulled Peter into a side hug. "It'll be fine, we'll get past it. You take your time."        "K-ay..." With one last hurt smile, Peter left Wade's company. On the way back to his car, he finally let the tears roll. Wade watched him go until his car was out of sight, stunned by his own foolishness. He wasn't stupid; he knew he had made Peter cry. He knew he'd broken his heart, and he hated himself for it. When Wade got to his apartment, he took out his anger on his environment, taking to breaking a lot of things in his living space. --- Peter did his best to get most of his emotions out before he got home, but the sadness and hurt would linger. When he got inside he pretended everything was okay, but it was obvious his mind was elsewhere. Not too long after getting in, he went to his room and called Ned. ---    "Hey, what's up? Did you talk to him?"        "Yeah."    "...Uh-oh. What did he say?"        "He said 'no.'..."    "Awww man, Peter, I'm sorry. Did he say why?" Peter tried to keep his sniffles quiet, but Ned could hear them anyway.       "Yeah, u-um... He said that...you know, he's a one-night-stand kind of guy, and that I'm -- we're -- ... He doesn't...think it would be a good idea, because he just...likes sex, and I'm romantic, so..."    "That really sucks, I'm sorry."        "Me too..."    "...Hey, I rigged my GTA 4 game to get Carmageddon on the 360." Peter continued to hold back his emotions, but only half-cared about Ned's random statement.       "Y-eah...?"    "Yeah, it's really funny! Can I come over and show you? It should work on your 360." Now understanding, Peter smiled a little.       "Yeah, that sounds cool. We could, um... I could make...popcorn, or something."    "Awesome! Is now good?"        "Sure, uh -- lemme ask Tony first, just to be sure."    "Okay. Text me." --- After they said goodbye and hung up, Peter got confirmation from Tony that having Ned over for a few hours would be fine. While on his way to go prepare everything, May found Peter and insisted he tell her what was wrong, as she could tell something was up. Although he'd wanted to keep it hidden from his elders, Peter (naturally) trusted May and knew it was confidential, so he came clean. Seeing her nephew's broken heart, May consoled him and offered a little advice about how to heal up from it, and insisted that they would, yes, go back to being friends in time. ~~SpideyPool~~ In the days passing, Peter and Wade refrained from messaging each other. Peter went about his usual life, including going on regular patrols. He took down a couple of small criminals, helped a few people in minor danger. This always felt good; even the littlest of ways he could help people made his day brighter and his heart fuller. Wade, meanwhile, had spent the days since the rejection in sorrow and self-hatred. He'd smashed a lot of the stuff in his apartment and all but shredded the couch, laying face-down on the tattered furniture in a mess of stuffing, old food scraps, alcohol and the same outfit he'd had on when he last talked to Peter (minus the coat, boots and mask). It had been five days. But on this fifth day, Colossus happened to pop in. He knocked. ---   "Wade? You are playing Elvis again. Are you all right?" "AwwwWWW!! I'm not in the mood, Sputnik! Fuck the shit off!" Colossus opened the door and hunched in, turning off Wade's music.    "You should really lock door. Wade, you are a mess; what is wrong?" The merc answered him with his face still down and pressed to the couch. "What's wrong is this big metal dildo man keeps showing up at my door even after I tell him to fuck. the. shit. OFF." Colossus looked around, ignoring him.   "How do you live like this..." "I'm not living, I'm existing."    "Clearly. Is this another episode? Perhaps I should take you back to the mansion again." Wade lifted his head, tired eyes closed. "GOD, no! No more bland-coated walls with old white men all over them and every other X-Man acting like the studio couldn't afford to pay them to even just walk around and pretend they live there." Colossus raised a brow, but ignored him, as he was so used to doing.   "Well, if this is not episode, then what is it?" Wade's face flopped back into the couch, pressing in harder than earlier. "Imn mm bmng m thnntl dmshm."    "What?" With a heavy groan of aggravation, he sat up entirely, allowing small bags of food trash to spill onto the floor from its position under his body. Colossus winced at the crinkling and crumbs. "It's me being a total dipshit..." "What did you do," he asked tiredly while folding his arms. "I told you I liked some guy, right? Well... Turns out, he liked me, too."    "That is good news." "Yeah, it was, until he told me he liked me and I shot him down like a retarded clay pigeon in a Guantanamo Bay shooting range."    "..." "I swear to god, it's like while I wasn't looking, the cancer snuck into my brain and made me even stupider."    "Why did you turn him down?" "Because -- he's nice, okay? I don't just wanna get in his pants, I want to date him. I want to have a relationship, but he's not the person I should be trying that out with on account of how fucked sideways with a cactus my head is."    "On inside, or outside?" When Wade glared up at him, Colossus chuckled. Squinting, Wade lowered his voice. "Are you The Moby? 'Cos I haven't even taken The Great American Challenge yet, and I feel like you're stretching my ass WIDE open."    "Eugh! Listen..." Colossus softened up and sat beside him carefully.   "You are...different, very rough around the edges. You are afraid that this guy is too good for you." "No, I KNOW he's too good for me. I can't risk screwing up his life."    "How do you know that would happen?" "Uh, do I not ruin everything everywhere I go?"    "Only when you really mean to. But he likes you too, yes?" "He says he does... I'm not sure why."    "Maybe because, in your own strange way, you are charming man. You have a big heart, you care about people -- most of all, him, it seems." "That's why I gotta stay away from him."    "No, that is why you must go to him." Wade glanced up at his company.    "You must go tell him the truth, give it a second chance. He deserves to know what you are thinking, does he not?" "... No, I don't want to make him more miserable."    "If he is miserable, it is only because you have not been honest with him." "...You really think I should do this? You really think I should go over there and just...tell him how I feel?"    "Absolutely." "...Just admit that you want me, Colossus." Colossus sighed. "I don't know,..."    "Trust me, if you don't do this, then you will never know what could be. You will spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been, your soul will forever be restless." "..."    "...Who is it that you are pining for so badly?" Wade's voice almost cracked. "P-eter Parker..."    "Peter Parker?? You mean Spiderman???" "Yeah."    "OH, he is a VERY good young man... Erh...over eighteen, yes?" "He's twenty."    "OH, good." "Like you said, he's very good. He's not...he doesn't deserve all my shit."    "You will never know, Wade. Not unless you take risk." "..."    "If you try your best, if you let love in, and it is real, then your messy life will work itself out." Wade looked up at Colossus, who then put a caring, large metal hand on his shoulder.   "Maximum effort." "...Okay... Maximum effort." --- When Colossus left, Wade showered and started cleaning up. On the sixth morning after their last conversation, Wade called Peter, but the latter was around other people while in the facility. Not wanting to talk to him in front of anyone, he declined the call, but texted Wade saying "Hang on i'll call in a sec." He went to his room and did as was promised, calling Wade back while sitting on his bed. --- "Hey, Spidey!"        "Hey, Wade." He sounded a little tired, but was kind and open-minded. "What's up?"        "Uhh not much, I was with Tony and Wanda and didn't want to talk in front of them. Just...sitting in my room, now." "Gotcha."        "So...did you want something?" "Aww, you're still upset about the other day," he said with an audible smile. Peter sat up, voice more peppy.       "No, no, I mean I'm not upset, I'm just... It... 'Upset' is just such a harsh word, um... I'm just kinda sad, you know? It's -- I'm still just trying to...make sense of it all, figure out what's...going on in my head." "I understand."        "I'm sorry..." "Why are you sorry?"        "I don't know, I just feel bad, I mean this can't be fun for you, either. I just feel really stuck. And -- I told May, but only because she could tell how down I was." "May is nice."        "She's the best..." "...I miss you, Pete."        "Me too... Ned...rigged his GTA 4 disk to run Carmageddon on the 360." "What?! That's sick as FUCK!"       "Yeah... Maybe sometime we could hang out and play it together. It's really funny..." "I'd like that. Or... I could just come hang out with ya right now!" Peter sat up a little more.       "Oh, Wade, I don't know, I... I think I still need a little more time to process everything. It's -- I'm still not mad or anything, you're still my friend, it's just kinda hard..." "Oh... Well that's too bad, 'cos I'm right outside your window."        "--What??" After Wade's shadow cast onto the wall and got Peter's attention, he quickly looked to the left and saw Wade in the window, waving happily at him before putting the phone back to his ear. Peter tossed his phone down in shock and ran to the window.       "Wade!" He opened the glass pane, shivering at the freezing air.       "What are you doing?!" "Just felt I needed to come by and clear things up with you." After realizing he was talking pointlessly into his phone, Wade shrugged and tossed it.       "Wha--" Peter quickly fired a web at the little computer, snatching it and yanking it into his hand. Wade crawled into Peter's room through the window, and then the latter closed it and handed Wade his phone.       "Why would you throw this??" Wade took his phone back and chuckled. "Ewww, now it has webs on it...!"        "That's better than being broken!" Wade shrugged the snow off his shoulders. He was in full suit with a beanie on his head over his mask, and a fur coat. "Plungers make really good building-climbing tools, did you know that?"        "Eugh, you -- you used plungers to get up here?" "They're all new, it's fine. Well -- except for the one for my right foot, I wouldn't touch that one." Wade slid off his coat and beanie.       "Wade, what are you doing here...?" "I wanted to talk to you about the other day." Peter motioned for him to be quiet, then stepped over and locked his door. Turning back to face him, he kept his voice low, and so his visitor did the same.        "Okay?" "Look... The thing is, I like you, too. A LOT. I've had it bad for you from the start, Petey, but... It's like I said the other day; you're a nice guy, and--"        "Wait, let me just stop you there." He waited.       "I know that you like to sleep around, and that's okay. Some people are romantic, and some people aren't, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not judging you, I think what you do is totally fine." Wade nodded.       "But... I'm still not that guy, you know? I still need those things, I'm -- I want a relationship. It's okay that you don't want that, you don't have to explain yourself. But if this is a request to just...fool around, um... I'm...not game for that, I'm sorry." "...Aww, you're so cute," he said happily before roughing Peter's hair lovingly. Peter stood in blank confusion, having no response to that. "I'm not here because I want to have sex with you. I mean, I'd like to, but not like...right now, I mean like in the future, when we've been seeing each other for a little while."        "..." "When you asked me out, I said no because I didn't think I was right for you. I still don't, honestly, I mean you should really, just...turn around and run while you have the chance. Because I'm about to ask you something, and I don't have a lot of patience, and I might just blurt it, cut and dry."        "Wade, what the hell are you trying to say?" "I'm saying... Will you go out with me...?" Peter stood in total shock, staring blankly at Wade. "......Is that a 'no'? That's probably a wise choice, but I'm gonna...need verbal confirmation. I mean if it's not 'yes,' it's 'no,' because basic principle, but ya know. ...?" He finally blinked and shook his head a little, making an effort to make sure he kept his voice low.        "Okay, wait... You do want to go out with me...?" "Yeah. I've wanted to since like, last June."        "FFFFFFFF-- Wade...?!?!?" "Yeah... Pathetic, I know."        "So why did you say 'no' the other day??" "I told you, because I don't think I'm right for you. I'm super fucked up and you're really nice! You're --"        "Shh...!" He lowered his voice to something of a shouting whisper. "You have your whole life ahead of you to meet fucked up people, you should at least have some normal, healthy relationships first...!"        "Wade, that's up to me to decide, and I know you think you're like the worst person ever, but you're actually really a good guy...!" "Why are we whispering...?!"        "Because if Tony finds out we're even discussing dating he'll throw you to the moon...!" "That would suck...!"        "I know...!" They both stood a little taller, each sighing some and looking off before focusing again. They stopped whispering, but remained quiet.        "So..." "I'm just saying... I've got a lot of baggage, and problems, and a whirlwind of mind shit that falls out of its little shit-filled cabinet whenever it feels like it. I have LOVED being your friend, but I'm..."        "...Yes...?" "...I'm scared of hurting you..." Peter relaxed and took a step towards him.        "You're not gonna hurt me." "You don't know that."        "And you don't know that you will. But if you think that, but you still had the nerve to come tell me how you feel and ask me out..." Wade looked up at him cautiously.       "...Then you must have some sort of faith in it being okay, right?" "..." Peter started to smile.        "What if we just tried it? Why don't we just...date...? And if it doesn't work out, then that's okay. We can just be friends. I mean that's what we were working up to being again anyway, right?" "That's how it would have to be. I can't lose you, Spidey, you mean a lot to me."        "..." "You're like ice on a burn. You have...the BEST heart. I don't wanna hurt it."        "Stuff's gonna hurt me, Wade. That's life, it's okay. If you hurt me, we can get past it." "...You promise?" Peter smiled bigger.        "I promise. Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll hurt you or something, pfft." Peter couldn't see it, but Wade was smiling, too.        "If you're serious, and this isn't you feeling guilty about saying 'no' or asking for a one night stand... I would love to go out with you. PLEASE, let me go out with you." --- And so it was, they secretly began dating. Wade made arrangements to take Peter out that very afternoon. After Wade left through the window, taking his plungers with him, Peter called Ned in a slight panic. He excitedly explained what happened and told him he needed to prepare himself for the date, and they hung up. When it came to Tony, Peter had to keep quiet. Like before, he didn't tell anyone, including May; he just didn't want anyone to know yet. The first date was just spent with the boys wandering around a nice part of the city, discussing how they liked each other and how long each of them have felt it. Wade explained that he was a mess for the days following his rejection of Peter, and that it took Colossus busting into his apartment and yanking him onto his feet to get him to go talk. He also confessed to having slept with a couple of people, including Vanessa, which Peter was more than fine with. But, he emphasized, Wade really needed to look into STI testing just to be safe. The first date didn't end with kissing or anything randy, and Wade still didn't show Peter his face. Instead, they hugged, and Peter drove back home. The dates following were very similar, with food as part of the equation. They even had a "parkour date," where both got in full suit and leaped around the city, showing their abilities to one another for the sheer sport of it. Peter even held Wade and swung around the city with him on his hip. According to Wade, this was terrifying but romantic. By this time, Peter told May and MJ. After a few weeks, Peter and Wade felt relatively steady. Tony and Steve could tell something was different with Peter when it came to Wade, and Tony had his suspicions from the start. Peter knew that Tony could sense something unusual, but he played around it and acted casually. Tony chose to stay quiet about it. During a date one late afternoon when Peter and Wade were on a harbor, in suit, the sun out after a light rain (yes, it must be that specific), Peter pressed a little harder to see Wade's face. He understood why Wade was shy about it, but kindly argued that it was difficult to date someone he'd known for over a year while still not having a clue what he looked like. Feeling that Peter's reaction could really make or break the potential of their relationship, Wade finally conceded and removed the mask. To his surprise, there was no horror or tension, or even the slightest bit of disgust. He looked a little surprised, briefly raising his eyebrows with a blink, and studied him. He said "Wow," and that was about it. Wade started to make jokes about himself, to which Peter put his arms around Wade and told him he wasn't allowed to insult himself whenever he was in the Spiderman's arms. This became a new theme with them. After a minute of talking, and with Wade allowing his new partner to lightly touch his scarred cheeks, he asked if Peter had anymore requests before the mask went back on. ---       "...You could kiss me..." Wade stared at him in light disbelief.        "...Or -- or not, it's totally optional. Just a suggest--" As the cliche stands, Wade kissed him, cutting off his sentence. When he pulled away, Peter was stunned and glowing.        "O-ohhoh... Okay, I-I don't have a lot of reference, but... That was really good..." "I agree." --- Wade put his mask back on, and the two were smitten. A few days after their first kiss, Peter finally sat down with Tony and Steve and came clean about his recent dating situation. Steve didn't love the idea, and Tony hated it, but the former offered support and simply asked that Peter be careful and trust his instincts. Tony was a tad more chilly with his honesty, but when Peter became insecure, he emphasized that he wasn't angry. He just didn't trust Wade on a romantic level, and feared Peter getting hurt. This gave Peter the opportunity to remind Tony that he was a big boy now, and he could handle making his own mistakes, and was willing to face the consequences of his decisions. It ended on a positive note, but Tony couldn't hide the lack of thrill he had over the new relationship. Weeks turned into months, and things when steady. In their time together, Peter got permission from Tony to make his very own original suit. Given how comfortable he was with Wade, and with the relationship also recently going public, Peter felt the desire to start fresh and switch up his look with a lot more blue. For one thing, the blue complimented Deadpool's vast red and helped him stand out.~ That May, when they'd been going out for about three months, Peter started becoming more bold in his physical interest in Wade. He'd been to the merc's apartment several times as well, and had actually managed to convince him to start cleaning the place up and get some new furniture. He wasn't judgmental; he merely worried for Wade's state of mind and the health hazards, insisting that he might feel better and more confident if he lived in better conditions. This conversation brought Wade to inadvertently mention how he was desensitized to the squalor due to being forced to sit in his own waste and vomit for a while when he had gotten ill at the Mutant Factory. This was one of the most serious things Wade brought up right off the bat, but upon seeing Peter's face stricken with shock and concern, he clammed up. Peter assured him that there was nothing to be ashamed of, and that he appreciated Wade talking to him. The conversation helped Wade feel better, much to his shock, and he agreed that it might be good for him to clean up the apartment. So he did just that. It wasn't spectacular, but the improvement was great, and Wade actually found himself wanting better for how he lived. In June, Peter's physical interests were more clear. They'd discussed sex, but Peter was shy, and Wade was never one to push. But finally, while making out one day, Peter came to the conclusion that he was ready to be intimate. They each went home and planned for Peter to go to Wade's. They each wanted to shower and prepare for it first. Peter brought a small bag with a movie and his suit in it (just in case). He told Tony that they were just going to have a movie date. Tony didn't like it, and insisted Peter also take his iron suit (which is tightly compact into a small shape when dormant like the Ironman suit). Peter obeyed, willing to do anything to help Tony feel more comfortable about him being out and about. At Wade's apartment, the pair chilled for a little while, but Wade was eager to show his company how he'd prepared the bedroom. He led Peter to his room, revealing soft pink and orange shaded string lights pinned up around the walls, nice bedding, and an overall sense of warmth. Needless to say, Peter was very impressed, letting Wade know he did not expect this, and didn't require it in the future. But yes, he absolutely loved it, and knew he would have a good time. When they were done, they both fell asleep in Wade's bed. Tony called around 1 in the morning, asking where Peter was. He was a little upset, but nothing Peter couldn't work around. He apologized and said they were both tired from watching the movie and then playing some video games, so Peter crashed on the couch and forgot to tell Tony he was staying the night. After a little back and forth, Peter reassured him that everything was all right and encouraged him to go back to sleep. He promised to come home early in the morning with a box of donuts as an apology. Tony hesitantly agreed, and left him alone. Once more, the next day, Peter made a point to tell Ned about his escapades. The next few times Peter went to Wade's house, he ended up spending the night. And again, he lied his ass off to Tony, saying they just had a new routine of playing video games until they crashed. Tony knew better, and Peter knew that, but neither were willing to give on the subject. By this time, Peter quietly told aunt May that his relationship with Wade was now very serious. She was excited for him, proud and happy and double checked that he was being safe. Embarrassed and a little exasperated, he confirmed this, and just like that May was back in fun mode. She was able to accept that Peter was grown now, and she was glad to try and guide him through this very impressionable period in his life. The morning after Peter's fifth time with Wade, Colossus visited unexpectedly while the boys were still sleeping. Wade got up and addressed him, completely naked, while Peter stayed back and hurriedly put his clothes on before meekly coming out to greet the metal man. He was shy but thrilled to meet the infamous X-Man. After Peter convinced Wade to at least put on some underwear, they all sat down together and had a chat. Colossus was happy to finally meet Spiderman, and when Peter got home, he told his family about how funny it was to wake up and meet Colossus. Later that day, Tony finally pulled Peter aside and broke down, having a serious discussion with him about the relationship. He asked for full honesty on whether they had become physical, and Peter answered honestly. The talk was civil, as Tony loved Peter too much to ever take out any frustration on him, but his concern was clear. He told Peter he respected that, that Peter didn't need to feel bad about it; he was just making sure everything was okay. Not that it was any of his business, but he considered his family to be his business. Peter didn't mind, so long as Tony stayed cool. The Ironman did confirm that Peter understood the fact that he wasn't going to invite Wade to live with them. Peter agreed. When Tony asked if Peter was thinking about living with Wade, the latter said "no." "So what are you gonna do?" Tony asked. Peter told him that he would just keep doing as they had been; dating, hanging out, and if they wanted to have personal time, Peter would go to Wade's. He told Tony he felt he really loved Wade, and was okay with the fact that he was, in Tony's words, "super fucked up." He understood that he wasn't responsible for Wade's mental health, but that he enjoyed helping him through some of his issues. He understood that trauma like this was a long-haul, and he was willing to at least try. After all, everyone he knew was traumatized, himself included. The conversation helped clear the air a lot for the father-and-son pair, and Tony grew a greater respect for the relationship. A week or so after that conversation, Tony ended up having a talk with Wade. The merc shocked him with his raw honesty about his feelings for Peter, revealing his only intention was to be happy with him without weighing him down. He loved him, and he would do anything for him, including whatever he could to please his family. He understood why everyone flocked to shield Peter; he was different, special. It was then that Tony finally saw an ounce of what Peter saw in Wade, and his respect grew. In August, Peter turned 21 and in December, Wade turned 27. In that time frame, Peter began sneaking Wade into his room sometimes to get physical.~ Not long after Wade's birthday, Tony finally came to grips with the reality that Wade wasn't going anywhere. His relationship with Peter was incredibly strong and steady, and despite Peter having his job, his family and friends and Wade, he'd managed to make it all work. They were mature, and mature together, and Tony wanted Peter to have every opportunity possible to make things a little easier. So as a surprise, he told Peter he was going to allow Wade to move into the facility, even though he wasn't being offered any Avenger titles. He even said he didn't mind if Wade and him shared his bedroom, so long as they weren't mindless sex idiots and kept everyone awake all the time. Stunned, Peter was beyond grateful. Together, everyone gathered up and invited Wade to the facility to make the offer. Wade was uncertain at first, asking if they wanted him to be an Avenger. "GOD no," said Sam. Peter informed him that this had no strings attached, and asked if he was ready to move in with him. Wade said yes, and accepted this very unexpected, beautiful birthday present. In being offered to move in, this was the Avengers fully embracing Wade and adopting him into their weird, messed up family. In time, they would learn to see that Wade was in fact, a good man with a big heart, and become used to his mouth. ~~Love Forever After~~ Living together, it was a dream come true. For the first time in Wade's life, things finally seemed to be on a steady path, and he would do anything to keep it that way. He was happy, he wanted to stay happy, and most of all, he wanted to do well for Peter. With them being together (even before Wade had moved in), Peter helped Wade open up about his past and his feelings. He wasn't judgmental, he wasn't off-put by Wade's mannerisms, weirdness, strange coping habits, random emotional moments, nightmares, or even the nastiest of content regarding his past. He just listened and consoled, and even shielded Wade from the harshness of others. With a guy as wonderful as the friendly neighborhood Spiderman, even though he wasn't perfect, Wade had a tough time feeling like he could give back enough. What he didn't tend to understand was Peter already felt Wade did give back. Wade was a passionate, attentive, caring, thorough lover, and exceedingly generous. He did anything and everything he could for Peter. Aside from just being the best mate he could be, he couldn't think of much else, but it was more than enough. Peter needed him, too. And when Peter had problems, his heart was heavy or he had his own traumatic episodes, Wade was there for him. He applied the very things he'd learned from his love and gave back. After some months living with Peter, Wade had his first serious emotional breakdown related to his trauma. Deadpool, Spiderman, Ironman, Scarlet Witch, and War Machine were out on a mission one night. On a rooftop, after the mission was finished and they had regrouped, Peter was wrapping some things up when a casual conversation started between Wade and the others. The Mutant Factory got brought up, which Wade appeared fine with. He joked casually about what he went through, and the others listened. But at a certain point, after making a comment about his torture that initially caused him to laugh, his laughter suddenly turned to tears. At first the others just went along with it, used to Wade's emotional switches at this point and figuring it would be fine. But when the merc's weeps became sobs and he could no longer stand up, everyone finally realized something was wrong. James stood by Wade and Wanda knelt beside him, clueless as to how to help or what exactly was happening. Tony called Peter to their gathering on the rooftop, and when the Spiderman saw his partner in a heavy heap of tears, he sprung into action. Wanda and James backed away to give Peter the space to console him. He was understandably confused and alarmed by the development, but stayed calm. Tony had an idea of what was happening, cluing Peter in with a reminder of how he had suddenly felt okay enough to grieve his uncle when the time came. It clicked; Wade finally felt safe and comfortable enough in his life that his mind was ready to start the healing process. Peter carried Wade away from the group, who let them have their space. He removed his mask, and convinced Wade to let him take his off, and he held him. Wade announced that he didn't understand what was going on and that he couldn't stop, so Peter told him not to stop. He told him that this was a good thing even though it didn't feel like it, and that it wouldn't last forever. After a while, when Wade was calm enough, Peter took him home. He explained to him what he thought was happening. From that point on, Wade was much more prone to having harder breakdowns, but at that point they seemed to happen at more appropriate times. He also had an easier time talking about it, even if it did hurt like all hell. Thankfully, for Wade's sake, his primary trauma response now is sobbing and nightmares. And when it happens, someone is always there to help him. Of course he still has his random weepy moments at weird things, but Peter has always been understanding of that and never judged him. If anything, he only ever helped Wade feel validated. When Peter was 22 and Wade was 28, the Trial of the Gods ensued. This was hard on Wade, and revealed he had a host of dependency issues with Peter. It led to them having a serious but gentle talk, where Peter offered to work with him on easing his mind about the fact that bad things happen, and if anything bad ever happened to Peter, he needed the peace of mind that Wade would take care of himself. Stay clean, healthy, surround himself with his friends, continue to do good things. If not for himself, then for Peter, because he would want that. Wade agreed, even though the conversation was hard. Ultimately, Wade's mind never reached any peace until he went on a mission and secretly killed himself in order to get to The Realm of Silence, Interitus's realm of the dead. After having a quick conversation wherein Wade asked the elk god if he would ever die for good, Interitus told him 'yes.' He said that Wade would not live forever, that his time would come when it was right, and in death he would be with his beloved. This gave Wade all the peace he needed. Someday, Wade and Peter will get married. How, when and under what circumstances remain a mystery. For now, they're just loving life together. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ms-stony]

Episode 4:

•I reallyyyyyy don’t like the new Captain America

While I hate the Civil war movie I kinda like that they did a throwback and remembered that that happened

While I don’t agree with the Flag-Smashers I kinda think they have a point. The group of revolutionaries are noble in a way?

But Karli, she’s slipping into a mass murder even though some of her actions in general is understandable. She’s the leader of the groups and truly think that she’s doing the right thing but also keeps feeling that her back is to the wall.

And John Walker aka the new Captain America? He’s bull-fucking-shit. He came here thinking that he could be the new Steve Rogers. Did he truly think that it would be that easy? He is now realising that he actually don’t know who he is.

Walker acts like Karli but is also a mix of insecurity, humiliation, and a bit of selfishness. And is that what a Captain America should have? Selfishness I mean.

I like the talk he had with Battlestar that humanised him. Them talking about the war and how Walker felt like the medals was not a great thing but more of a baggage.

I should probs talk about Bucky as well. I like that they included a throwback to when he lives in Wakanda and got help with the other side of him. But I do think that they should have included that in the episodes earlier and not when the Ayo’s sudden appearance. And it took some time for them to come lol

Sam is my absolute favourite character but I feel like the show doesn’t focus a lot on him? It’s his show and it doesn’t even feel like he’s the main character 😒

But he’s so amazing!!!! Thinking that he can see eye-to-eye with Karli if he just got the chance. I love him for thinking that war and fighting isn’t always the best way to handle things.

But at the same time, he’s not naive. He has empathy for his foes and looks for solutions that he doesn’t really focus on his super heroic fighting, but as a human being. And that is what make him a hero. Being a diplomat and a fighter

Zemo is quite the brilliant man. Always thinking ten steps ahead and now he’s free 😂 I knew it would happen and I’m just surprised it took a long time. But I also understand him, he wanted the serums gone and he succeeded. Well, almost all of them lol.

I think it’s important to once again talk about Walker. His insecurity is dangerous and you never know what could happen and this episode just proves it. His take on Captain America shows a great deal of desperation and him willing to do almost anything to prove that he’s worthy. With Battlestar dying, his only friend stopping him from making bad decision. He’s screwed.

And ugh, I understand that he was hurt and angry seeing his friend die. But that doesn’t mean that he could kill that super soldier guy. He’s Captain America and that means being the good guy. Saving America and ending wars and fights. And even if he should kill that guy or anyone else he really has to remember that he’s famous. He will always be in media and killing that guy while people are watching? Bad fucking decision. But the fact that the one and only Captain America killed a man is funny. And his shield covered in blood? Proved that he’s on the dark way.

“That shiela is a monument to a bygone era. A reminder of all the people history just left out. If anything, that shield should be destroyed.” I agree actually

The thing I will remember most is that one person’s hero is another’s villain; one group’s villain is another group’s revolutionary. And Zemo’s comment is a brilliant way on viewing this situation. “Desire to become a superhuman cannot be separated from supremacist ideals”. Being a super soldier does not mean that you are a hero.

The discussion about the serum was especially a eye-opener. Does the power you get from the serum really only makes them more of themselves? Will a hero with the serum still be a hero? Will a villain with the serum always be a villain? If the answer is yes, then power must amplify both the strength but also weaknesses, even in heroes. And if that’s true then, both Karli and Walker (when he takes the serum which he will) will always be an amplified version of themselves.

The angers aren’t perfect and everyone should know that. But them not visiting Sokovia? After people died? Them not visiting the memorial is ignorant and awful

And him talking about the fact that there will never be a Steve Roger was especially true for Sam and Bucky, with them feeling incapable of picking up the shield. And John will certainly learn that too, if he hasn’t already

And while the shows is a pretty great to talk about racism and stuff ( if they don’t talk about it that much but we as viewer understand it) they still don’t do it that well. Did they really kill Battlestar, a black character to develop Walker, a white man? Bullshit. And then Sarah is once again just a device without a real and developed story line.

[wndamaximov]

Infatuated [b.b.]

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky’s finally found the perfect girl. The problem is that he has to find a way to tell her that.

Warnings: Language, Angst, Fluff

Words: 1753

When he first laid eyes on her, it was as if the entire world fell apart around him. He could have stood there for years, just watching the way her hair fell in waves on her shoulders as she flipped it, laughing at something Stark had said. Alas, the moment was ruined by the idiot Steve tapping him on the shoulder.

“You know who she is?”

“No. Just that she’s new,” Bucky responded, his thoughts still on her, and it was entirely likely that he had the stupidest look on his face. Steve immediately knew what had overcome his best friend. He smiled knowingly and nudged him.

“Shut up,” Bucky grumped stomping away from Steve, the image of that woman still ingrained in his mind.

That was months ago, and Bucky didn’t see her much after that, just a few murmured “Hello’s” while passing each other in the hallway. Oh, he so desperately yearned to talk to her, but it seemed as if fate was against them. Every time Bucky thought he would try, Sam would come up behind him to rag on him or either Steve or Stark would come to call him for an important meeting that always ended up being about bullshit. And she would skip away giving him a small smile and a, “See you later Buchanan!” leaving behind just the tiniest whiff of vanilla and coffee beans. God, he was infatuated.

In the latest meeting, he thought he would drift off and think about how her smile always seemed to brighten up the entire room with its contagiousness, or how the light always seemed to hit her eyes just right to get that caramel tint that he loved in them.

“Barnes, you listening?” Bucky shook himself out of his reverie and wiped the drool he discovered was escaping through the corner of his mouth. Sam burst out laughing as Bucky shot him a glare that would’ve had the power to kill a lesser man.

“Since you clearly weren’t, I’ll let y/n fill you in on the details of this meeting. You know, the one you should have been paying attention to,” Stark quipped, bumping into him as he briskly left the room.

As the others filed out of the chamber, y/n sat herself down on the chair across from him. He could feel his heart rate accelerate as he realized that she was extremely close to him.

“Ignore him. Tony’s still upset over… you know…” she let her voice trail off as she stared apologetically at him, wringing her hands together. “I’m sorry, I’m not very good with people.” She tucked a strand of hair that had escaped from her ponytail behind her ear, displaying another one of her nervous tics.

“It’s alright doll, me too,” he reassured, putting his hand over one of hers(the one that was drumming the table to a beat that sounded familiar, he just couldn’t quite place his finger on it) and continued, “Now tell me what was so critical about this drab get-together.”

She laughed, putting her whole body into it at his feeble attempt at a joke. It was adorable, how easily she laughed at things other people said. He noticed over the week that even when no one else was, y/n was laughing.

After recovering from her bout of giggles she recounted the meeting. “Well most of the meeting didn’t apply to us because we aren’t ‘real Avengers’ ” She put the quotes around the words as she said it, then continued. “We’re partners in this mission that they’re considering a test I guess, to see how well we fit in with the rest of the team.”

"What type of mission is it?”

“We think that someone’s dealing drugs at Peter’s school. It’s our job to figure out who and get enough evidence to put them in jail.”

Bucky looked at her quizzically. “Who’s Peter?”

“He’s the Spider-Man.”

“Oh.” He grimaced, remembering the annoying kid from the fight in the airport. God, he hoped he wouldn’t see too much of that punk.

“Does he come here often?” Bucky asked, wanting to figure out exactly when he would need to take his leave from the tower.

“Almost every day after school. He’s out of town right now though, some field trip in Europe for school,” she answered, pulling out papers from the file that lay on the table in front of her. “Here,” she handed them to him, her face suddenly contorting in anger. “These guys are so gross!” she exclaimed in disgust. “Ruining these kids’ lives for money- they deserve to be in jail.”

He glanced at the papers in his hands and immediately understood what she was saying. 11 kids had been hospitalized due to OD'ing on the cocaine that these guys were dealing, but 4 of them hadn’t been so lucky- they were found dead.

“Isn’t this more of a police thing?” he wondered out loud.

“Yeah but like I said, it’s more of a test.” She got up from her chair and walked around to pat him on the arm as she left. “We leave in two days- I’ll see you around Sergeant.”

He touched the spot where she had left her mark on him, ecstatic at the prospect of being able to spend some time with her, alone and far from distraction in the form of the other Avengers. However, that could also prove to be problematic. He needed to stay focused on the mission- this one especially because kids’ lives depended on it.

He decided to delay in telling her his feelings, as if she’d ever reciprocate them, and it was stupid to think she ever would. She was untroubled and didn’t deserve a man that had as much baggage as he did. He would just be a burden to her, a shadow that would just bring her down with him. Telling himself this, he walked out of the lonely little room that he had stained just being in.

“Bucky!” Steve called from outside his room. He didn’t feel like responding and continued shoving clothes into his go-bag. He wasn’t up for explaining his sour mood that had been going on for the past couple of days. Of course Steve was worried- he’d been sulking in his room, not talking to anyone.

“Bucky,” he repeated more insistently, opening the door and walking inside, witnessing how bad the situation was.

“What the hell do you want Steve?” he shouted, whipping around to face his best friend.

“I should be asking you that,” Steve replied calmly. “You’ve been acting strange Buck- ever since we came to the compound. Care to explain?”

“Fuck off.” Bucky continued stuffing his things into the poor bag straining to keep it all in.

“No."Steve started unpacking the poorly backed bag and got to putting everything back inside neatly.

Bucky lifted his hands up in surrender and stepped away to let Steve do his thing. "You’re a punk, you know that?”

“Yeah, I do. Now spill.”

✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

“So you’re telling me that you’re not telling y/n how you feel because you think you’re not good enough?”

Bucky looked down at his feet sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, when you put itthat way Stevie…”

Jesus Buck, you know I love you, but you can just be so fucking stupid sometimes.”

“What do you mean?” he inquired, puzzled at the shit-eating grin on Stevie’s face.

“Do you really think you’re the only one staring longingly when you think she’s not looking?” Steve clapped Bucky on the shoulder and commanded, “You still have an hour. Buck- go get that girl.”

✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

Bucky paced back and forth just outside y/n’s room, debating whether or not he should go in. He’d been there for about five minutes, but just couldn’t muster the courage to actually knock on her door. A million thoughts filled his head, the most prevalent being ‘what if she hates me?’

“Yo dumbass! How long you been there? ”

“Piss off Sam,” he muttered angrily. Goddammit, if anyone could completely erase his courage it was bird-man.

“You really gonna make me do this by myself?”

“Do what?”

Sam knocked on the door, then sped off before he could face the wrath of the Winter Soldier.

“What the hell?” Bucky shouted, seething at the nerve on Sam.

“Trust me, you’ll thank me later!” he called back.

“Come back, you mother-” Suddenly, Bucky realized that the only thing separating him from confessing his love had been opened, and he looked down to see her gorgeous face peering back up at him. “Y/n.”

“What do you want Buchanan?” She seemed unhappy, and god, he wanted to fix that. He would gladly do anything just to see her smile.

“I-” he ran a hand through his hair and exhaled shakily. “This is so much harder than I thought,” he chuckled, then swallowed and took a deep breath in. She stared at him expectantly and he continued, “The first time I saw you- I don’t, I don’t think it was love, but over time, I don’t know. It was just the little things that caught my eye. Can I?” he cupped her face and she nodded, reaching up to put a hand against his head.

“I know what you mean,” she whispered, then gestured for him to continue.

“The way you laugh at the smallest things…” that earned a chuckle from her and he too smiled. “The way you drum your fingers to that song by Queen whenever you’re nervous…”

Her eyes widened. “Another One Bites the Dust- how did you know?”

“I noticed everything about you doll. I always have and I always will.” He searched her eyes for permission then bent down to kiss her lips softly, finally tasting the vanilla and coffee he had only got samples of before.

After pulling away she giggled and declared, “I think I’m in love with you James Barnes.”

“I think I’m in love with you too.”

✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

A/n: Please validate my hard work in the comments ( 人ФｴФ)

Tagging for interest(b/c, bucky): @marvelgirl7

Bonus:

“Hey, Bucky?” She was leaning against his chest, making circles with her fingers into his skin.

“Hm?” He replied, softly leaving kisses against her neck.

“Why do you let me call you Buchanan? I distinctly remember you throttling Sam when he called you that.”

He tilted her head up to look up at him then answered, “It’s because I’m not in love with Sam.” He pressed a kiss to her lips, then fell back against the bed content. God, he was infatuated.

Ask to be in my Bucky tags!

[whispersandwhiskerburn]

Angel’s 2K Celebration Masterpost!

When I hit 2k followers, I came up with a list of 22 songs and a bunch of dramatic dialogue lines. I asked my followers to either Request2Read a fic written with a song and a dialogue prompt, or Request2Write an spn fic featuring the song and dialogue prompt.

The results were 

Below the read more you will find the Request2Write list of fics with links, prompts, and promos for each--and you should definitely check them out, or at least reblog this to give the writers a bit more of an audience. :)

The Request2Read fics written by me can be found through a masterpost HERE.

“Don’t” by @waywardjoy  written for “Don’t Make Me” by Blake Shelton with the prompt line: “You’ll be fine. You don’t need me. You never have.”

Promo: The Angst Queen strikes again! Joy might have a fluffy name, but her fics have this tendency to rip my heart to shreds, and this one was no exception. Dean x Reader, and SFW…if it’s okay to sob uncontrollably in your workplace.

“A Prayer Away” by @summer-binging-spn written for “One Call Away” by Charlie Puth with the prompt line: “You can’t scare me away.”

Promo: A Castiel x Reader (though it honestly could be just a close friendship instead of a romance) angsty fic as the two of them clearly need each other and want to be there through the rough times… it’s just a shame that there are so many of those rough moments. SFW, and beautifully poignant writing.

“Home” by @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes written for “Love Don’t Run” by Steve Holy with the prompt line: “I told you I would never give up on you. Did you think I was lying?”

Promo: This is a small 8 part series (each part is under 2k) that will take you on a roller coaster of emotions. A new fic writer on Tumblr, but one I can’t wait to read more from, Alyson delivered a Dean x Reader fic with heartwarming fluff and heartbreaking angst all wrapped up together with a finale that took even me, a veteran reader and writer, by surprise. Beautiful job working in your song; I’m going to think of this fic from now on when I hear it.

“Breaking the Righteous Man” by @thegreatficmaster  written for “A Guy What Takes His Time” by Christina Aguilera with the prompt line, “If you want me to keep talking, you’re going to have to stop that.”

Promo: a twisted, angsty smut piece where Dean holds back from Alistair in Hell thanks to the Reader. A nice twist at the end, and as always, some beautiful smut here. Definitely worth a look (I don’t think I can add any more without giving away spoilers)!

“Tomorrow” by @mery-magizoologist  written for “Tomorrow” by Chris Young with the prompt line, “If you haven’t figured it out yet, when it comes down to it, I’ll always choose you.”

Promo: Dean tries to be a martyr and break up with the reader who isn’t having any of it. I love the emotions in this short little fic, and I’d call it angst, but I suppose there are hints of fluff in it.

“If We Don’t Make It” by @rizlowwritessortof for “Broken” by Lifehouse with the prompt line, “If we don’t make it out of this, I need you to know…”

Promo: Things start out super tense, and Riz did an absolutely amazing job of depicting the panic and suspense involved. Don’t worry though—the ending is worth the anxiety! Dean x Reader and beautifully written, definitely check this short piece out!

“My Side of the Story” by @writer-picks-the-music  written for “My Side of the Story” by Hodges with the prompt line, “That’s bullshit! You know me better than that!”

Promo: I really loved this fic! It’s enigmatic though, and the cliff-hanger nearly killed me. Angry Dean, a reader who still loves him, and a complicated plot that I’m hoping continues into a part 2, this one will grip you fast and not let go.

“Do You Really Want Me” by @arlaina28  written for “Hate That I Love You” by Rihanna and Neyo with the prompt line, “I need to know. Is this real?”

Promo: This is definitely one to check out. Angsty relationship that isn’t fixed in a blink of an eye for once; beautiful description of some rough hot smut, and on-point characterization of Dean Winchester—I quite enjoyed this fic!

“Say You Won’t Let Go” by @barbedwireandbubblegum  written for James Arthur’s “I Won’t Let Go” with the prompt line, “I don’t care about your damn baggage. I just want you.”

Promo: This fic was absolutely beautiful! So poignant and painful at the same time...I just...ugh...whyyyyyy??!?!? Okay, Sam x Reader, angsty, as all of Sam’s relationships tend to be, but beautiful in the depth of emotion portrayed in this fic.

“We Belong Together” by @mrsjohnsmith written for “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey and the dialogue prompt “Why? Just tell me why, please.”

Promo: This was both one of the shortest and one of the best written fics on this list. Dean x Reader, emotional trauma after Dean has gone to Hell and the Reader is trying to cope. Analogies and characterizations abound in this mostly introspective piece, and I loved every word.

“Bright and Warm” by @lipstickandwhiskey  written for “Must Be Doing Something Right” by Billy Currington with the dialogue prompt “Yes. Anything, just… yes…”

Promo: Lips sure did this one right. A slow, intriguing build up that lead to a gloriously fluffy ending, this Dean x Reader is a shorter one, but well crafted. I enjoyed the canon-style characterizations, the journey of watching Dean fall for the reader, and the hint of jealous Dean before chivalric Dean…just, sigh…

“Haunted Memories” by @impalapiegirl67 written for “Little Do You Know” by Alex and Sierra with the dialogue prompt: “You make me smile. That’s why. You make me cry, laugh, sing, and get so angry I could kill you. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

Promo: This was a super angsty Sam x Reader fic because this relationship is under fire from the first word, and things only get more complicated between the two of them when you throw a demon into the mix. She did a great job with her prompts, and I was glad to see this addition to the celebration.

“Turns of Fate” by @plaidstiel-wormstache written for “Little Wonders” by Rob Thomas witht he dialogue prompt, “If you could go back and do it over, would you?”

Promo: An angsty fic that is centered more on the reader than either of the boys--which is rarer than you would think. Kinda Dean x Reader but one of those with unrealized potential, you know? I quite enjoyed this fic, as I do most of her works, so I hope you check it out!

Waiting on just a few more for this list. 

I hope you like these, and that you’ll reblog to spread the word about these fantastic writers and their hard work.

Thank you all!

This link will take you to the masterpost I made of all of my celebration challenges!

@2wonderinsighlents, @adaliamalfoy, @alcpegasus22, @andrastesflamingtitties, @angelofwinchester17, @alexastacio, @anokhi07, @ariethegreat98, @arryn-nyxx, @autopistaaningunaparte, @avasmommy224, @babypieandwhiskey, @bennyyh, @benjerry707, @bringmesomepie56, @bucky-thorin-winchester, @but-deans-back-tho, @captainemwinchester, @carry-on-ms-believer, @casownsmyass, @cfordwrites, @chaos-and-the-calm67, @dancingalone21, @d-s-winchester, @deafgirlsarecooler, @deandoesthingstome, @deanfuckingwinchesterrr, @deanscherrypie, @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog, @deanwinchesterforpromqueen, @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester, @deliciouslyshadowymilkshake, @demonangelimpala, @demondeansdomme, @end-lessnights, @faith-in-dean, @fandommaniacx, @feelmyroarrrr, @fiveleaf, @graceforme86, @i-is-for-inspiring, @ilostmyshoe-79, @impala-dreamer, @jalove-wecallhimdean, @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes, @jencharlan, @jensen-gal, @jotink78, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms, @katnharper, @kittenofdoomage, @kristaparadowski, @lipstickandwhiskey, @littlegreenplasticsoldier, @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid, @love-kittykat21, @loreleilara, @lunarsaturn88, @luv4jensen, @marilynnlew, @millaraysuyai, @mogaruke, @moonstonemystyk, @mrsbatesmotel53, @mrsjohnsmith, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mzpearlz, @nicolesyneah25, @nightmaredean, @notnatural-supernatural, @paintrider13-blog, @pinknerdpanda, @plaidstiel-wormstache, @rizlowwritessortof, @roxy-davenport, @rushernparadise, @salvachester, @seenashwrite, @septicxsoulxdarkxmind, @scorpiongirl1, @skathan-omaha, @spnrvt, @supernatural-jackles, @supernaturalyobsessed, @theafinnerup, @thegreatficmaster, @vote-for-pedro, @waywardjoy, @wevegotworktodo, @wi-deangirl77, @wonderange, @withoutaplease, @writingbeautifulmen, @xtina2191, @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou, and @yume-deaimashou

[catcomixzstudios]

How To Life Chapter 47 - Scientology

A “Religion” We Can All Agree Is Garbage

Fuck Scientology. I could just end the chapter there, but I really want to make it as clear as possible that Scientology is one of the biggest religious scams in existence. Sure, most other religions have their fair share of scams, but at least the scams aren’t the basis of the religion.

It sucks too because we’re finally able to start establishing religions that involve science-fiction rather than magic, but this one had to go and be a money-making scheme instead of a wacky tale about aliens. I mean, it still is a wacky tale about aliens, but it’s a scheme first and cheesy science-fiction last.

One major thing you’ll find about religions up to this point is that they are all more than happy to share their stories with anyone that is willing to listen. The difference with Scientology is that in order to hear the story for it, you have to go through a bunch of their bullshit psych exams and spend ludicrous amounts of money. Seems legit. But thanks to many individuals who went through and/or investigated this garbage, we do know the story. Just be warned that, according to the higher ups in Scientology, you probably won’t have the correct context to fully understand it so it might just sound like a bad sci-fi plot.

75 million years ago, an alien dictator named Xenu ruled a collection of planets known as the Galactic Confederacy. It just so happened that the people of those planets happened to have a culture that perfectly matched Earth’s in the time it was written. What didn’t match Earth (called Teegeeack) however, was the insane overpopulation. Xenu was about to have his ass thrown to the curb (which so easily happens to most dictators, of course), and he planned to spite his empire by killing a fuck-ton of his citizens in response.

He got a bunch of psychiatrists to trick a vast portion of them to come in for income tax inspections (apparently that’s what psychiatrists were for in Xenu’s Confederacy?) Then he froze their souls and sent them off to Earth in planes that just so happened to look exactly like the planes that existed during the era it was written in. Apparently not one to kill people in a quick and sensible way, Xenu had the souls all dropped near the bases of volcanoes on Earth. He followed that up by dropping hydrogen bombs into the volcanoes to make sure they were super dead. Xenu is a tactical mastermind, you see.

The people’s souls were blown to shit, and said disembodied souls (called Thetans) went up into the sky and were captured by electronic ribbons. So be extra spiteful, Xenu forced the Thetans into 3D movies that implanted a bunch of false data that apparently inspired every world religion. After a month of this, the main problem was apparently that they lost their personal identity and started clustering together, which made humans. So sad and pained are these humans that the only way to possibly rid themselves of the pain is to pay the Church of Scientology a ludicrous amount of money to get those darned Thetans out.

There is some good news, however. Xenu was eventually booted out of office by government rebels and allegedly imprisoned on Earth and is still alive to this day somewhere in the mountains between France and Spain.

Now, on its own, this would just be a terribly written science-fiction story that is, at best, worth a couple laughs. The problem is the crushing amount of baggage that comes with that really really dumb story.

The founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, was not exactly a shining example of the human race. It probably won’t shock you one bit to learn that the previous story might have been inspired by heavy drug and alcohol use. Beyond that, it’s believed that he probably started the church just a means of getting tax-exempt status for his completely bullshit version of psychoanalytics.

The Church of Scientology itself has a varied list of crimes that have been leveled against it, including fiercely attacking critics, attempting to wire-tap the government, trying to delegitimize the work of actual psychologists, and attempting to force women who follow it to get abortions. Don’t just take my word for these things; I strongly encourage anyone reading this to do their own research and see if maybe those forced abortions and government wiretaps were just blown out of proportion.

Whatever “culture” or interesting ideas might have come out of it, the fact remains that Scientology has way more in common with cults than it does mainstream religions. I’m all for people figuring out what faith (or lack thereof) works for them, but I absolutely do not recommend choosing this one. You want religious fulfillment? Try something like Buddhism. You want some good sci-fi stories? Go read stuff like Foundation or Dune. You want shitty but hilarious sci-fi stories? There are way better ones than this. They’re certainly much cheaper, too.

GOOD IDEAS:

- Contains like one hilarious and poorly-written science fiction story

BAD IDEAS:

- You have to break your brain and pay exorbitant amounts of money to get to that story

- Literally everything else as well

LIKELIHOOD OF TRUTH: ~2%. I have shown no qualms with talking about how much of a disgusting money-making scheme Scientology is. A shitty story written by a dude who was very likely on drugs that you can’t even experience without losing all of your money. While I’m willing to offer that most religions at least try to have something worthwhile to offer to at least some people, this is one where I just have to put my foot down and say no. My thoughts on it were easily summarized in the beginning; fuck Scientology.

Sources used for the “Religions” section: (“The Skeptic’s Annotated Bible/Quran/Book of Mormon” - annotated by Steve Wells), (“Reference Classics - World Mythology” with Roy Willis as General Editor), (“Reference Classics - World Religions” with Michael D. Coogna as General Editor), (“World Religions - The great faiths explored & explained” by John Bowker) (Wikipedia [Don’t pretend like you’ve never used it])

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[ecotone99]

[HR] HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER HOLIDAYS

It was the last day of term at school before we broke for the summer and Mr. McCarthy had caught me letting off smoke bombs in the boy’s toilets and almost choking Harry Riederschmidt into an asthma attack.

The fire services and paramedics had to be called and I was caught outside the Gents holding the bag of artillery that McMillan had given me. McCarthy’s face was that of a beetroot left out to dry in the sun.

McCarthy was always coming down on me as hard as he possibly could; with his abusive name-calling:

“You stupid boy.” He’d say with utter contempt pouring out of his voice because I was doing something trivial like walking too fast in the hallways or my shit was un-tucked.

“Tuck that shirt in you stupid boy.” He’d hiss.

This time however, I had over-stepped our cold adversarial relationship with my prank and Carfy (that was the prick’s nickname amongst the students) now had something to demolish me with.... I was fucked. I’d contaminated the school and nearly killed a fellow pupil.

An hour passed and the smoke cleared. And Carfy dragged me into his office by my tie and his ultimatum to me was simple, while I sat there fake crying and pleading ignorance:

“Usually we expel boys for this Misha. I am sure you understand that you have made your attendance at St. Matthew’s Roman Comprehensive as completely untenable.”

Carfy walked to the window for dramatic effect pulled down the blinds. That’s all this guy was beyond the headmaster/military role he tried to cultivate – he was just a dramatist continuously searching for that sense of theatrics. I am just a 15 year-old kid; why doesn’t he make his power-plays on somebody that could give this guy a challenge:

“But I see something in you. I see something there... And I want to give you once last chance to get it out of you. What you did was criminal, dangerous and against the ethics of this school. But I am going to do something I have never done. I am going to give you a chance at redemption.”

Fucking miracle. I was saved by this prick:

“If you can write for me a report – four thousand words maximum about what you learned over this summer break. If you can get that back to me and I see some spirit in this piece; then you can finish your education here. And not become like the rest of the Cockburn family.”

So here is my story about how I spent my summer holidays and I hope to God saved my arse from expulsion:

***

It’s not that I don’t want to go back to school – I do – a lot. I know the mistakes my family made with their education and I don’t want to be an adult in the kind of broken home I was raised in. I want to be a filmmaker when I grow up and see the words DIRECTED BY MISHA COCKBURN up there on the big screen; a name in lights.

But the pressure of having to write about what I did, to save my education, I found overwhelming. I spent most of my time at the start of that summer playing video games and staring up into the ceiling just trying to conjure up some bullshit story about learning my lesson to give to Carfy... Turns out there was a story just waiting for me after all.

***

“Honey, I am going to Lisbon with Luis for the rest of the summer and I can’t take you with me. I am sending you to your dad’s.” My mum said.

I hadn’t seen my dad since I could remember and he had never wanted me around. But I guess my mum wanted a summer seeing her new lover and what she didn’t want was the additional baggage of her 15 year old delinquent son.

My mum always put her new man first and foremost over her only child and I didn’t mind spending time with Aunt Mary, Grandma Linda and Uncle Steve but seeing my father filled me with dread and trepidation; it was like spending my summer in a stranger’s house. A stranger with a reputed personality disorder – if you believe my mother’s stories.

“But I don’t want to go to Dad’s. Can’t I stay somewhere else?” I tried to argue back.

“You have any idea how much money and time and arguments I had to have with lawyers and courts to arrange this for you. You selfish little bastard,” she screamed back, “just like your father!”

***

She didn’t waste any time dropping me off, and it was a 4 hours drive to the farm my dad had inherited from his dad and then my mother had to speed off to catch her evening flight.

She couldn’t even look at my father. Didn’t say hello, didn’t say goodbye and there was no advisory words on my favourite foods, my routine, my favourite TV shows and how to take care of me.

“Hi son.” Dad said with a broad smile.

Here he was. I could barely remember how this man looked, I felt like I was looking at a stranger, standing outside a property I’d never been to, in the middle of nowhere, in a town I’d never been inside before.

“Hi Dad.” I smiled back awkwardly.

“Who was the spic?” He said.

“That’s my mum’s new boyfriend Luis. He doesn’t talk to me much.”

“Looks like a cunt.” My dad said.

***

My dad showed me around the property. It was a farm but it was a disused farm. My dad couldn’t afford to keep the animals and maintenance going, he told me, so he just burned the livestock in the barn, a huge pile of ash and destroyed hooves still visible and instead he just lived here, letting the farm fall apart around him. The rot between his toes.

The barn was decomposing before your very eyes; the rain having turned most of the wood and structure to mould and mush, if you touched the outside frame you’d feel all the soft sludge of dead-wood.

The house was a four-bedroom brick-top structure with a quaint English countryside feel to it, but the inside was a decapitated mess with beer cans and broken plates sprawled all across the floor and dust particles suffocating the air. And then he took me to ‘my room’:

“I saved this just for you,” he said, “just in case...”

As he opened the door, I was shocked that it was actually cleaned, well-maintained and almost comfy-looking. It had a laptop, a television, a velvet sofa and a lamp by the bedside along with a bookcase. It was the kind of space I’d been looking for my entire life.

“If you are like me. You’ll need your space and your tranquillity and I’d imagine you want to spend a lot of time in this room.” He said.

I think I had no choice but to spend time in this room – there was nothing else.

“By the way; out here there’s no internet but the laptop has loads of games. Do you like to play games?” He asked.

“It’s about all I do.” I said.

***

We sat down for dinner and my dad had made an effort to clean most of the debris in the kitchen, but I could still see the dust particles polluting the air in the room. He’d made a simple dinner of egg, beans and bread.

“I don’t want you to feel like this isn’t your home Misha but I got a watering hole, kind of like a well behind that barn, across the field.” He said.

“Yeah?” I said.

“It’s very dangerous anyway. Lots of children used to fall in it when my dad owned this place, kids died in there apparently and lots of bad omens with the well. Main point is that it is very very dangerous. Go anywhere you want on this land but do not go near the well.” He said.

“Dad, I am fifteen and I am not stupid enough to get caught in a...” I said.

“...There’s no rules in this house, you are at home, and after all I had to fight with your mother to get you here...” He said.

“She said she had to fight with you and the courts?” I said.

“...But you are never ever to go near that well.” He finished.

I didn’t care about some fucking well anyway. I didn’t care about what was behind the barn. I just wanted to do my time in this dump and try to save my schooling.

“Dad, does that laptop have Microsoft Office?” I said.

“Never go near that well Misha.” He said lifting up his knife towards me.

He wasn’t even listening to me.

***

On the first night, the farm produced those country noises that are usually drowned out in the cities. The hoots of owls, the shrieks of night-birds and the cat-calls of the fox – it was the organic world singing. I was sure I would grow accustomed to them, but on my first night I hated them.

Now I don’t know how voices carried so far in this type of landscape but I could hear voices, female voices. Scattering and desperate voices, gently whispering in the dead night. It must be from the next farm over – an actual working farm.

I was awoken at about four-am and the night was still black. I turned to look outside of the window and I could see the silhouette of my father across the land walking briskly to the back of the barn – near the ‘death-well’. He was carrying a bucket of water which I could hear splashing on the grass. My father had a hunched posture that you could identify a mile off.

When he returned I could hear the clang and clatter of the empty bucket. I rolled back over in bed and wondered how I was related to such a strange man. I thought about what Mr. McCarthy said about the Cockburn and the prejudices that the name must carry with those who meet us.

***

“Dad, why do you leave late at night with a bucket of water? It’s happened on three nights now?” I asked.

“What are you talking about?” My dad said, spittle of breakfast incredulously jumping from his mouth.

“I kept seeing you walking across the grass with water.” I ask.

“You’re dreaming son.” He said.

“I’ve seen it.” I said.

“What? I can’t fucking water my own plants.” He said, slamming his cutlery down and walking off.

***

The female voices continued every evening and sounded more hurried and desperate every night. I pictured a neighbouring farm with a population of young girls milking the cows, ploughing the fields and breaking a sweat in the summer sun while erotically maintaining the farm. The sweat clinging to their short tank-tops.

But every time I heard those female whispers, I was taken out of my fantasies and disturbed by my father, hunched over a bucket of water and walking angrily towards the back of the barn. Dad returning with the empty bucket clanging against his legs.

Every night and every sleep-infused fantasy was some kind of strange déjà vu tinged with the whispers of women and the pouring of buckets of water. I wondered if the farm was driving me insane or maybe I was unsettled with the stranger I was calling dad.

***

One night I decided to follow those voices. Who knows – maybe it was some erotic female sex-cult and I could have something to tell my friends about once I got out of here. I put on my shoes, I put on a t-shirt and slid Brylcreem greasily across my hair and as I opened my door, my father’s hunched figure was there.

“Where are you going at this time son?” He said smiling.

“Well, I just wanted to explore the grounds a bit more.” I said.

“In the middle of the night?” He said.

“Well yeah, can I not?” I said.

“Now what kind of father would I be if I agreed to let you out at three-am?” He said, patting me on the head.

“I’m bored.” I said.

“If you’re bored then you can sleep or play one of those games or read one of the books I spent all my money on getting you”. He said.

“Yeah but dad...”

“Let me ask you something son. Does your mother let her fifteen-year old son go out in the middle of the night?” He asked.

“No...” I said.

“I have to say, I am unsure what kind of father I would be if I didn’t follow the precedents set by your mother.” He said.

“But she’s a terrible mother.” I said.

“Yes, I can see that now in how spoilt you have become.” He said.

“I can do what I want.” I said, recalcitrance rising in my voice.

“Let me rephrase this entire conversation son. Go back into your room, sit in your bed and go to sleep – before I decide to cave in your fucking face you little cunt.” He said – still smiling, still agreeable in tone.

With those words, I was back in bed.

***

With that, I decided I’d explore this in the daytime. Fuck him and fuck his fucking watering hole bullshit.

I packed a bag of books, bread and Coca-Cola cans to throw him off the idea that I was staying local but even when I told him I was going to find the town shops and library; I was still met with a cynical glare and about a hundred questions.

What was this man hiding? Did he have a problem with me finding the neighbouring farm? See what all the noises in the middle of the night were? Was he keeping the female sex farming cult to himself?

“You come back here before the sun goes down and I will make sure there’s a roast turkey dinner waiting for you. Is that a deal son?” He said.

The food had been so bad since I got here, bread and beans and eggs every single night. I was actually excited at the thought of a proper meal and a proper roast. I knew he was putting some bait out for me but I had lost so much weight since I’d been staying here I was willing to take it.

“Yes, definitely.” I said and I meant it.

I wondered around the back of the barn and I could see the well just sticking out of the ground. It didn’t look so ominous but I didn’t fancy just diving into it. I decided I’d follow the brick road that was surrounding it and see if there was some way to enter it from somewhere else.

The footprints and footpath had lead me off the farm and round the side, by the woodlands. There was a small lake with a small flow of rain water and I walked across the side of the lake following the flow.

I walked for maybe five minutes and there was this huge piece of thick ply wood beyond the small lake and it was perfectly covered with dead leaves and tree bark, there was a wooden spike poking into the mud, like a location marker.

It was almost off the actual property of the farm but not quite. The footpath was just before the main road and I think we were still officially on ‘Cockburn territory’.

I put my foot under the plywood and it was loose. It was the strangest thing; my feet could feel this metallic gate under the wood. I tried to move it some more but it was too heavy with just my foot, so I crawled onto my stomach and decided to push the entire thing. That took some force and as it moved I heard feet running towards me:

“Is that David?” A voice said.

“No.” I said.

“Oh my god, somebody has come. Down here!” A girl’s voice said.

The plywood finally moved and I was covered in mud and filth in the process and what I was staggered to see was a large metallic gate covering a sort of manhole that went down about 10-feet. Beyond that was like a sewer system of something.

Underneath the gate were two women, drenched in water and mud. The water levels covered half of their torsos and there was a small flooding inside the manhole. It looked like water was being poured into the hole.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“We’re trapped under here. We have been for like a year. It’s the man at that farm, calls himself David, he’s crazy. He’s got us trapped down here.” The taller, blonde woman said frantically – her voice laced with relief.

“That’s my father.” I said.

They paused for a moment and stared at each other from within the hole.

“He’s got us trapped in here.” She screamed back.

“Bullshit, you’re just lost in the sewers and you’ve gone crazy.” I said.

“It’s not a sewer – it’s a dungeon!” The other girl screamed.

I felt the metallic gate and there was a huge padlock on it and I tried to move it and it wouldn’t budge an inch – they were locked all right.

“Call the police.” One of the girls screamed.

“What are your names?” I asked.

“Bianca Foreman and she’s Tanya Nixon.” Bianca shouted.

“And how long have you been missing for?” I asked.

“I don’t know – a year!” Bianca shouted back.

“So if I Google you two. It shows that you are missing?” I asked.

“Yes!” Bianca screamed.

I shushed her – fully aware how voices travel in this place.

“Ok.” I said, still trying to piece this together.

“Don’t Google us, just call for help!” Bianca screamed.

I wanted to go. Explain to my dad that the mud up my shirt was from hiking and pretend that this whole incident didn’t happen. I wanted to be back home with my mum more than ever.

“I will come back for help.” I said; still unsure if I meant it or not and I replaced the manhole cover again.

I heard the words please ring out as the wood covered the hole.

***

I got my mediocre turkey dinner –and I explained to my dad some bullshit about how I went deer-spotting in the woods and fell into the lake and that’s why I came back caked in mud. About halfway through dinner my dad’s frustration clearly overcame him and it was time to have a talk.

“You disobeyed me son.” He said.

“What are you talking about?” I said.

“You went down to that well. Saw my girls.” He said.

“I’m not sure what you mean.” I said..

“You Google them did you? Find the missing person articles about them like they asked?” He said.

“I can’t Google anything – we don’t have any internet.” I said.

“That’s right. And you can’t call the police either can you? You don’t have a phone.” He said.

“Nope.” I said and I stared up hard at him; willing to meet his challenge. I stared like I was just as tough and just as unhinged as he could be. He dropped his gaze and continued eating.

We continued the meal in silence and I felt this strange feeling of being equally appalled but intrigued as to how and why my own father had two girls trapped in a dungeon within the confides of his property. I remember reading about people like that sicko in Austria and that guy in Florida that had girls locked up in some basement and I guess my dad had the same perversion.

My dad walked towards me with a bottle in his hand.

“You ever drank wine before son?” He said gently – leaning over me.

He poured me a glass. He turned to me and smiled, and it was one of the first times one of his smiles wasn’t laced with contempt and deceit.

“You know what it is son. It’s a sickness. A need to dominate and control. It’s why me and your mother never worked out. But I tell you something. It’s like a drug when you have it. When you have those little girls staring up at you and you have the entire fate of their worlds at your fingertips – it’s marvellous. It’s a great feeling and I absolutely love it. I am in control of them but I am out of control of myself. Don’t judge me just yet son – find out what I am talking about.” He said.

He took the wine he’d poured me and helped himself to a sip.

“But why?” I asked.

“Because I have a need to dominate and control and these girls were unlucky enough to cross my path. That’s all I can say. I am not a monster but I have unique needs.” He said.

I took a large gulp of the wine. My first ever.

“Let me ask you something son. You ever feel like you wish you had more control of things?” He said with a raised eyebrow.

I always did and always wanted to.

***

It was the middle of the night and I climbed out the window and ran across the grasslands and back to the plywood cover. I knew the girls were up because I could again hear the whispering but I wanted to get there before my father did this time. I used all of my strength to pull the wood back and stare down at these two innocent young victims. It almost broke my heart. I pulled on the metal gate and pulled on the padlock – stuck.

“I don’t have a phone, so I have to go into town to get help, if you want.” I said.

They stared up at me. Big white eyes reflecting against the glare of the moon. I was staring into hope and innocence and turning away from the darkness. This was the redemption Carfy talked about.

“We can’t wait. We need to get out of here. I hate it here so much, it’s so hard.” Tanya said and she started to cry. Bianca put an arm round Tanya – a familiar scene I was sure.

“I know. I know. But don’t cry.” I said weakly.

I put my hand through the metal gates and they both reached up to touch me. Probably the first time they’d touched another person in a year – we were so close to the touch and for them it must have meant so much.

I took a step back and I picked up the bucket I’d just filled with water and I poured it all over them and laughed uncontrollably. They were screaming and crying in hysterics.

My dad was right – it felt so good.

I could hear the screaming and imploring as I put the manhole cover back over their frightened, scared and destroyed faces – the darkness cascading over them. And I felt so powerful at the annihilation of their hope.

In the distance as I walked back towards the barn I could see my father and he looked proud of me, as I got closer he puts his arm around me and said:

“I am glad we could finally agree on something son.”

“I am probably not going to school after this summer dad, so maybe I could stay here with you and help you man the farm.” I said.

He paused and I could hear our steps crushing against the dead grass.

“I think we have some serious catching up to do .” He said with a sad sigh.

I felt maybe it was time to open up to him after he was so honest and open with me. Maybe, it was time to actually allow a parent I can relate to back into my life. To talk to someone and get out of myself all of my frustrations and angers.

“I’ve got this teacher, I really fucking hate.” I said.

submitted by /u/JERRY-MANDRING [link] [comments] via Blogger http://bit.ly/2P7IngU

[fathersonholygore]

Hulu’s The Path Season 2, Episode 2: “Dead Moon” Directed by Michael Weaver Written by Annie Weisman

* For a recap & review of Season 2 opener, “Liminal Twilight” – click here Sarah (Michelle Monaghan) has seen the skeletal remains of Silas in the ground, unearthed by Cal (Hugh Dancy) at her request. She’s trying to work through the emotional baggage, as Richard (Clark Middleton) guides her in their Scientology-like therapy. He thinks that Eddie (Aaron Paul) is a constant source of disruption and pain in her life. He brings up Eddie’s trip to Peru, after the pair separated. But Sarah refutes his playing a part in her damage right now. Meanwhile, Eddie’s off with Hawk (Kyle Allen) and Summer. The older child is still unhappy about his father’s leaving the commune, leaving them, essentially. Dad continually tries to do his best and to make them happy. At the same time Abe Gaines (Rockmond Dunbar) is catching Mark Penetti (Matt Bailey) up on his undercover investigation into Cal Roberts and the Meyerist movement. Things are going smooth, and Penetti seems invested. Career is looking up for ole Abe. Unless something bad happens along the way.

When passing over the kids, Sarah talks to Eddie for a minute. She’s upset, though. She hates being apart and at once won’t let go of Meyerism, she’s trapped in her delusion that it’s all worth what they’re giving up (i.e. their intelligence, their lives, and much, much more). And other things crop up at the ranch. The movement isn’t going to get their tax-exempt status like planned, a snag’s come into play. Just another bit of stress for Cal. More faith lost on the part of everyone else, especially Sarah. He’s not listening to Steve, who told them never get “involved with the government.” Needless to say the pair of Cal and Sarah are growing further apart, and they’re struggling to stay united as one; all a farce for their followers. At home, Eddie meditates. Then in juxtaposition he’s out in front of a ton of big screen television sets, everything so loud and so modern and it’s as if the world is right inside his head. The real world is too loud. Almost like he was in prison. And in a way, he was in a cell. Only one constructed from the mind. Mary Cox (Emma Greenwell) continues to get further into the fold. She and Nicole (Ali Ahn) bond over babies, motherhood, breastfeeding, and such. They talk about mixed race children, considering that Mary and Sean (Paul James) are expecting. But that’s all a cover: Mary’s worried the baby won’t have any trace of her man, and that it’ll be clear Cal fathered him or her. Should be a tense pregnancy.

Eddie goes to check on Sarah, but things devolve into an argument over Peru before he takes off again. He knows there’s something going on. Now it’s worse, as he sees Sarah ready for a big cocktail party of some sort. This makes Eddie worry about what’s going on between Cal and his estranged wife. Out in the woods, Russell (Patch Darragh) leads a retreat for the 1Rs, such as Hawk, who are getting more and more indoctrinated into the Meyerist movement. It’s a journey in darkness: “Tonight, you‘ll have to find the Light inside of you.” Cal and Sarah are out at a party, showing off Mary after her battle with drugs. They talk about their focus on social justice, and plenty of other issues. One interesting note: Sarah decides to have a drink, shocking Cal in front of their friends. Hmm, that’s not a good sign. However, she’s just fine. It’s Cal that isn’t doing well, watching others around him indulge while he can’t even face his own demons. Things between him and Mary are getting stranger, plus the fact Sean can tell there’s something not quite right in the way Cal treats his wife. And then Eddie, he’s out having a guilt-free date with Chloe Jones (Leven Rambin), after assuming his wife is out doing the same thing. They’re having a chat, some drinks over a meal. Will anything more come of it? They’re both obviously interested in one another. Still, Eddie does love his wife despite the few feelings stirring for Chloe in his newfound freedom. Things start breaking down after she talks about the cult, asking questions, making him uncomfortable. It’s all mixed in with the fact Chloe used to be with his brother Johnny before he died. She’s lost and believes he found “answers” in the Meyerist movement. Or at least she doesn’t judge him for fleeing into the arms of a cult after what happened. Through it all they actually do fall into each others arms. In the midst of the party, Cal calls everybody out for their rich bullshit. For a killer he is awfully high and mighty. This is one large portion of what Cal is all about, thematically. He represents, quite literally (and very well), the hypocrisy of those who sit in power of some movement, whether an organised church or something lesser like Meyerism; they do their nastiness out of the public eye, then preach on the pulpit within the same breath. Simultaneously, Sarah and Eddie get intimate with other people. This is an intense scene, both for the viewer and the characters. You can see Eddie’s initial reluctance, before he goes headlong into making love to Chloe. For her part, Sarah refuses her would-be lover and walks out. All the while Cal is being taken to town by the Ridges for making the guests look ridiculous. When the would-be lover emerges, he taunts Cal, and the whimsically hypocritical Cal lays a punch into him, for everyone to see. Ah, the monster emerges, further each day. Those aren’t the only relationship troubles. Sean’s getting less happy with the way Cal brought them out like trophies. Whereas Mary liked having someone show her off after a lifetime of abuse. Her husband hates how Cal touches her – “Like he owns you” – and rightfully so, as it’s weird, and creepy, and symptomatic of a larger, more unsettling problem of which Sean is still sadly unaware. NOTE: Watch how many times Cal is cast in shadows. Whether he’s fully submerged, or just a part of his face obscured, there’s often a shadowy light over him when onscreen. I’ve noticed it more this season, but I know they’ve done this in Season 1 at least a few times, too. Great technique. In this episode, as he and Sarah talk about his “living, waking hell” of guilt, Cal is literally divided by shadow: one side of his face is visible, the other darkened totally. Such a slight thing that some might cast off, but in this scene we see that hypocritical side of his character given to us totally through imagery, you don’t even have to pay attention to his dialogue (though you should). Testament to some of the well executed techniques of this series and those who make it.

Sarah knows Cal is devious, that he is a murderer. And yet she continues on, for the sake of her own soul, for the sake of others. With every bad deed comes a few good ones, he redeems himself then undoes it, like clockwork. It sucks her back in every time. And waking up in bed with another woman, Eddie remembers the better times he had within the movement, with his wife. Everybody’s stuck in some way. Now Hawk is stuck. Because he’s having a vision, of lifting off the ground. Some of that gorgeous magic realism in The Path. Except it’s bittersweet, as Hawk finds himself mired in the movement further. I feel a tragic end to his story, and it’s going to devastate me, if so. Another great episode. I love this series, unabashed. Can’t wait for the next episode, these first two got me back in the spirit! The actors are all pulling their weight, times ten. The writing’s getting better. Don’t listen to those who complain: judge for yourself. And let me know what you think in the comments.

The Path – Season 2, Episode 2: “Dead Moon” Hulu's The Path Season 2, Episode 2: "Dead Moon" Directed by Michael Weaver…

[wndamaximov]

Infatuated- [b.b]

Pairing: Bucky x POC!Reader

Summary: Bucky’s finally found the perfect girl. The problem is that he has to find a way to tell her that.

Warnings: Language, Angst, Fluff

Words:  1753

Masterlist

Thank you so much @ashley-unicorn! You really helped get me out of a tough spot of writer’s block.❤️❤️❤️

When he first laid eyes on her, it was as if the entire world fell apart around him. He could have stood there for years, just watching the way her hair fell in waves on her shoulders as she flipped it, laughing at something Stark had said. Alas, the moment was ruined by the idiot Steve tapping him on the shoulder.

“You know who she is?”

“No. Just that she’s new,” Bucky responded, his thoughts still on her, and it was entirely likely that he had the stupidest look on his face. Steve immediately knew what had overcome his best friend. He smiled knowingly and nudged him.

“Shut up,” Bucky grumped stomping away from Steve, the image of that woman still ingrained in his mind.

That was months ago, and Bucky didn't see her much after that, just a few murmured "Hello's" while passing each other in the hallway. Oh, he so desperately yearned to talk to her, but it seemed as if fate was against them. Every time Bucky thought he would try, Sam would come up behind him to rag on him or either Steve or Stark would come to call him for an important meeting that always ended up being about bullshit. And she would skip away giving him a small smile and a, “See you later Buchanan!” leaving behind just the tiniest whiff of vanilla and coffee beans. God, he was infatuated.

In the latest meeting, he thought he would drift off and think about how her smile always seemed to brighten up the entire room with its contagiousness, or how the light always seemed to hit her eyes just right to get that caramel tint that he loved in them.

"Barnes, you listening?" Bucky shook himself out of his reverie and wiped the drool he discovered was escaping through the corner of his mouth. Sam burst out laughing as Bucky shot him a glare that would've had the power to kill a lesser man.

"Since you clearly weren't, I'll let y/n fill you in on the details of this meeting. You know, the one you should have been paying attention to," Stark quipped, bumping into him as he briskly left the room.

As the others filed out of the chamber, y/n sat herself down on the chair across from him. He could feel his heart rate accelerate as he realized that she was extremely close to him.

"Ignore him. Tony's still upset over... you know..." she let her voice trail off as she stared apologetically at him, wringing her hands together. "I'm sorry, I'm not very good with people." She tucked a strand of hair that had escaped from her ponytail behind her ear, displaying another one of her nervous tics.

"It's alright doll, me too," he reassured, putting his hand over one of hers(the one that was drumming the table to a beat that sounded familiar, he just couldn't quite place his finger on it) and continued, "Now tell me what was so critical about this drab get-together."

She laughed, putting her whole body into it at his feeble attempt at a joke. It was adorable, how easily she laughed at things other people said. He noticed over the week that even when no one else was, y/n was laughing.

After recovering from her bout of giggles she recounted the meeting. "Well most of the meeting didn’t apply to us because we aren’t ‘real Avengers’ ” She put the quotes around the words as she said it, then continued. “We’re partners in this mission that they’re considering a test I guess, to see how well we fit in with the rest of the team.”

"What type of mission is it?"

"We think that someone's dealing drugs at Peter's school. It's our job to figure out who and get enough evidence to put them in jail."

Bucky looked at her quizzically. "Who's Peter?"

"He's the Spider-Man."

"Oh." He grimaced, remembering the annoying kid from the fight in the airport. God, he hoped he wouldn't see too much of that punk.

"Does he come here often?" Bucky asked, wanting to figure out exactly when he would need to take his leave from the tower.

"Almost every day after school. He's out of town right now though, some field trip in Europe for school," she answered, pulling out papers from the file that lay on the table in front of her. "Here," she handed them to him, her face suddenly contorting in anger. "These guys are so gross!" she exclaimed in disgust. "Ruining these kids' lives for money- they deserve to be in jail."

He glanced at the papers in his hands and immediately understood what she was saying. 11 kids had been hospitalized due to OD'ing on the cocaine that these guys were dealing, but 4 of them hadn't been so lucky- they were found dead.

"Isn't this more of a police thing?" he wondered out loud.

"Yeah but like I said, it's more of a test.” She got up from her chair and walked around to pat him on the arm as she left. “We leave in two days- I'll see you around Sergeant."

He touched the spot where she had left her mark on him, ecstatic at the prospect of being able to spend some time with her, alone and far from distraction in the form of the other Avengers. However, that could also prove to be problematic. He needed to stay focused on the mission- this one especially because kids' lives depended on it.

He decided to delay in telling her his feelings, as if she'd ever reciprocate them, and it was stupid to think she ever would. She was untroubled and didn't deserve a man that had as much baggage as he did. He would just be a burden to her, a shadow that would just bring her down with him. Telling himself this, he walked out of the lonely little room that he had stained just being in.

"Bucky!" Steve called from outside his room. He didn't feel like responding and continued shoving clothes into his go-bag. He wasn't up for explaining his sour mood that had been going on for the past couple of days. Of course Steve was worried- he’d been sulking in his room, not talking to anyone.

"Bucky," he repeated more insistently, opening the door and walking inside, witnessing how bad the situation was.

"What the hell do you want Steve?" he shouted, whipping around to face his best friend.

"I should be asking you that," Steve replied calmly. "You've been acting strange Buck- ever since we came to the compound. Care to explain?"

"Fuck off." Bucky continued stuffing his things into the poor bag straining to keep it all in.

"No."Steve started unpacking the poorly backed bag and got to putting everything back inside neatly.

Bucky lifted his hands up in surrender and stepped away to let Steve do his thing. "You're a punk, you know that?"

"Yeah, I do. Now spill."

✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

“So you’re telling me that you’re not telling y/n how you feel because you think you’re not good enough?”

Bucky looked down at his feet sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, when you put it that way Stevie…”

Jesus Buck, you know I love you, but you can just be so fucking stupid sometimes.”

“What do you mean?” he inquired, puzzled at the shit-eating grin on Stevie’s face.

“Do you really think you’re the only one staring longingly when you think she’s not looking?” Steve clapped Bucky on the shoulder and commanded, “You still have an hour. Buck- go get that girl.”

✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

Bucky paced back and forth just outside y/n’s room, debating whether or not he should go in. He’d been there for about five minutes, but just couldn’t muster the courage to actually knock on her door. A million thoughts filled his head, the most prevalent being ‘what if she hates me?’

“Yo dumbass! How long you been there? ”

“Piss off Sam,” he muttered angrily. Goddammit, if anyone could completely erase his courage it was bird-man.

“You really gonna make me do this by myself?”

“Do what?”

Sam knocked on the door, then sped off before he could face the wrath of the Winter Soldier.

“What the hell?” Bucky shouted, seething at the nerve on Sam.

“Trust me, you’ll thank me later!” he called back.

“Come back, you mother-” Suddenly, Bucky realized that the only thing separating him from confessing his love had been opened, and he looked down to see her gorgeous face peering back up at him. “Y/n.”

“What do you want Buchanan?” She seemed unhappy, and god, he wanted to fix that. He would gladly do anything just to see her smile.

“I-” he ran a hand through his hair and exhaled shakily. “This is so much harder than I thought,” he chuckled, then swallowed and took a deep breath in. She stared at him expectantly and he continued, “The first time I saw you- I don’t, I don’t think it was love, but over time, I don’t know. It was just the little things that caught my eye. Can I?” he cupped her face and she nodded, reaching up to put a hand against his head.

“I know what you mean,” she whispered, then gestured for him to continue.

“The way you laugh at the smallest things...” that earned a chuckle from her and he too smiled. “The way you drum your fingers to that song by Queen whenever you’re nervous...”

Her eyes widened. “Another One Bites the Dust- how did you know?”

“I noticed everything about you doll. I always have and I always will.” He searched her eyes for permission then bent down to kiss her lips softly, finally tasting the vanilla and coffee he had only got samples of before.

After pulling away she giggled and declared, “I think I’m in love with you James Barnes.”

“I think I’m in love with you too.”

✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

A/n: Please validate my hard work in the comments ( 人ФｴФ)

Ask to be added to my Marvel or forever tags here!

Bonus:

“Hey, Bucky?” She was leaning against his chest, making circles with her fingers into his skin.

“Hm?” He replied, softly leaving kisses against her neck.

“Why do you let me call you Buchanan? I distinctly remember you throttling Sam when he called you that.”

He tilted her head up to look up at him then answered, “It’s because I’m not in love with Sam.” He pressed a kiss to her lips, then fell back against the bed content. God, he was infatuated.