#Media Center Setup

[skrunksthatwunk]

started watching revue starlight last night (sapphic gay theater school dueling anime probably) and immediately had a dream about heterosexual theater art type school. what the hell. infighting in the gay community. war and hate on the planet me. can't have one funny little gay people experience it's always gotta be some shit like this

[kaylopolis]

Alastor's Shadow (18+) Chapter Five

Alastor x F!Reader, Alias: Thestral

Synopsis: There’s a new Overlord in town and it isn’t the Radio Demon. Six years after you fell into Hell, you have finally earned your seat at the table as Pentagram City’s newest and baddest and with the Extermination coming six months sooner than planned, it is now time to implement your ultimate endgame. Afterall, who doesn’t love a bit of power and chaos? Your plans brings you to the doorstep of the Hazbin Hotel as Charlie’s newest Redeemer, but who you find waiting for you will not only turn your entire plan upside down, but also challenge your grab for power… 

Tag List: Slow burn, rivals to lovers, eventual smut

Masterlist Link: Masterlist

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Author note: Dear Hoteliers, This was my first attempt at smut (I giggled posting this, I am so excited!). I am new, but any advice is welcome! I tried something different with formatting (you'll see when you get there). I didn't want anything to be spoiled while ya'll rode the emotional rollercoaster that is this chapter. Let me know if it was weird and didn't work (or if it did that would be great!). I also added a link to the music found in a later part of this chapter in case you wanted to listen while you read.

<3 Stay smutty

Chapter Five - Night's Mistress

Content Warning: Blood, Blood Play, Murder, Choking, Graphic Sexual Scenes Involving Violence, Smut, MINORS DNI! (let me know if I missed anything else!)

The pull behind your navel felt foreign. 

It didn’t come with the taste of honey or the scent of daffodils like Rosie’s summons normally did. It didn’t come with a hint of sass or flood your mouth with spice like Carmilla’s. Crimson’s tasted of red pepper flakes and copper - a disgusting combination - but he was no longer an issue. 

This pull, however, was new and terribly, terribly… boring. 

Has one of your cards fallen to a rogue with sticky fingers? Has one of your holders died and a new holder taken their place? 

Whomever it was, the pull made you pause atop your perch overlooking V Tower. With Vox’s new Angelic Security soon to be released, you didn’t know how close you could get to the media demon’s headquarters. So you sat a few buildings away, scanning the horizon for any newfound technology that might impede your nighttime endeavors. 

There was another tug. 

Jesus, impatient much? 

You stood, stretching the stiffness from your legs. It was late, you’ve been out here for hours watching absolutely nothing happen. All the Vees like to do is sit, drink, and talk shit. Seriously what did they get out of their friendship? Was it friendship? Or were they all fucking? Ugh, you did not want that picture in your head.

Okay, time to go. 

You jumped, allowing the smoke to envelop your form. Feeling the pull, you headed toward the inner part of the city. Circling Heaven’s Clocktower, you broke off back toward the Magne District - the district that held the Hotel. Except you weren’t headed for your new home. The pull brought you left, almost to the border town but not quite, to an old tower.

In a plume of smoke, you landed on a balcony, the black swirls twirling about the landing before pooling over the sides. You were probably twenty stories up, the tallest building around. Not nearly as tall as V Tower - which the balcony gave you a great view of - but still, Pentagram City was striking. 

The balcony was connected to an apartment, reachable to the world only by an elevator at its center. Behind you was a wall of glass, heavy curtains preventing you from peering inside. On the balcony sat a small table, framed by two iron chairs. The setup was empty, except for your card which sat atop the table, a single drop of blood at its center. 

You took a step, your feet finding a puddle of red before you finally noticed the body. It was face down, scarlett flooding from a wound which wasn’t visible to you. It didn’t appear to be anyone you knew. Definitely a Human Sinner, but not one particularly interesting. 

So who in Hell summoned you? 

As if on cue, a zip of static runs across the back of your neck. 

Of-fucking-course…

“Ah, there you are,” Alastor emerges from the darkened apartment, shutting the door behind him with a kick of his heel, a smooth jazz playing on his radio.

Your heart skips a beat as his eyes find yours. Half-lidded, he smirks, a bottle of wine in one hand and a pair of glasses in another. 

Your eyes flit between the dead Sinner on the floor and the red demon before you. “You did not use your own blood?" This was a first. Cardholders always used their own blood. Although not directly stated, it was implied. 

“Heavens, no!” The demon places the glasses on the table, next to the obsidian calling card, as he uncorks the bottle using the tip of his claw. “We barely know each other. That would be too…” His eyes slid to yours. You feel his gaze rake over your form eliciting a blush beneath your cloak. “Intimate.” 

Jesus. 

You stifle a sharp intake of breath. 

Get your shit together. You’re a fucking Overlord for Christ’s sake. 

You drop his gaze, eyeing the half-dead pile of blood beneath your feet. 

“Ah, apologies for the mess,” Alastor snaps and the Sinner, along with the blood, disappears. “Wine?” The red demon holds a glass out to you, liquid sloshing in its basin. 

You look at your boots before moving, noticing he even wiped the blood from their leather. How thoughtful. 

Goblet in hand, you finally join the Radio Demon in the chair adjacent to his, and gaze out to the City. 

It was quiet, the hustle of Pentagram City’s nightlife drowned out by his jazz. Funny, you thought it almost peaceful. Could Hell be peaceful? No. That would be an oxymoron. Hell was designed not to be peaceful by definition. Yet all the way up here, tucked far back from the rest of the chaos, you could pretend it was. 

The demon sits back in his chair, crossing his legs at his knees. You hadn’t noticed it before, but his shoes have a print on the bottom - a deer’s hoof. How fitting. 

The obsidian calling card sits between you, a drop of scarlet crusting on its surface. Letters in white slowly fade from the card’s edge, signifying the death of the card owner. Whoever the Hell Stanley Jenkins was, Alastor had killed him and used his blood instead. Smart actually, for the card comes with its own parameters…

And to the Sinners without a card? That was a bit trickier. Only a handful of obsidian calling cards were in circulation, and only cardholders could summon you at will. To the lower rung demons without the honor, they had to go through back channels. That’s what you used Rosie for. The Cannibal Queen knew all the best gossip in town, her network of information reached every edge of the Pentagram. She was your starting point for potential hits - you took care of the rest. 

“A toast,” Alastor holds his glass out to you. “To power and chaos.” 

You freeze.

The demon clinks his glass with yours.

You had not heard that phrase in a very long time. 

You look to the Radio Demon and watch as he sips his wine, the red liquid kissing his lips as he drinks.  

More importantly, where had he heard that phrase? 

And then it clicks. 

Lilith. You last heard that from Lilith. 

“It isn’t poisoned. I assure you,” Alastor purrs, bringing your thoughts back to the wine. “If I wanted you dead, you’d already be dead.” The demon chuckles.

You shudder at the sudden static vibrating through your bones. 

You put a pin in this conversation - a mental note. You had more homework to do. 

You swirl the red around the glass, noting the alcohol crystals sticking to the sides. It was an older wine, a heavier red by the color. The liquid wooed you in scents of dark berry, cloves, and cedar. You could taste the tannins on your tongue before the liquid even hit your teeth. God, was it a thick red, so dry it left your mouth parched for more. Alastor couldn’t see your face beneath the hood, but if he could, he would see the moan you stifled behind closed lips. 

God, it was almost Heavenly. 

“One of my more everyday favorites,” Alastor smiled at the world below, his eyes sparkling with the reflection of City lights. “Although, I have far better in my cellar.” 

In my cellar. Your ears perked up at that, although you tried to hide it, the twitch of Alastor’s lips told you he had noticed. The Radio Demon knew something about you now: you liked wine. 

Was that what this meeting was all about? He wanted to gather more information on the Shadow? The way he made it seem at Carmilla’s was that there was a deal to be made. He thought you two could benefit from some sort of… partnership. Yet, you sit here and drink. 

This wasn’t how your deals often went. Usually, you showed up, and Sinners demanded action straight away. They practically begged you for your help, all too eager to make a deal. Lesser demons were pathetic, demons thinking themselves anything more attempted to look strong or intimidating, but the second they saw your eyes, they cowered. You’d like to think it the same as Zestial’s situation but you didn’t dare compare yourself to someone as great as him. 

Alastor, however, sat before you as an entertainer, a flatterer, a narcissist obsessed with his image. He didn’t just want to make a deal with you - if he did at all - he wanted to put on a show. Offering you a drink and a lovely view of the City communicated to you that he didn’t see you as a threat, but you already knew that. The question then was, did he respect you, and why did it bother you so much not to know? 

You turned the bottle to read the label: Stag’s Leap. How fitting. 

“Have you read the Allegory of the Cave*?” Alastor posits. 

You nod. Of course, who hasn’t read Plato? 

“When the man leaves the cave and makes it to the surface and is finally disenchanted with the shadows below, why do you suppose he returns?” Alastor takes another sip, waiting for you to answer, because he genuinely cares as to what you have to say. 

“To free the two he left behind,” your voice growls. 

“Hmm,” he ponders. “I supposed that as well, but never understood. To have the power of knowledge and to then share it… To not take advantage when it benefited him so. I see it as a tragedy.”

“Perhaps it is the Humanity in all of us.”

Alastor’s eyes flashed. “And if there is no Humanity left?” 

“Return…” Your lips curled, “and kill the other two.” 

Alastor tipped his head back and laughed, a deep chuckle from his chest. No laugh track followed. Was that genuine? A real laugh from Alastor and not the façade of the Radio Demon. Your heart skipped a beat in your chest at the thought. 

Focus! 

“Alastor, why have you summoned me?” 

The Radio Demon’s lips faltered ever so slightly, his cheery attitude hardening. He thought a long moment before answering. “It seems we have found ourselves in quite the predicament.” He places the glass on the table and folds his fingers in his lap, his attention on the City below. Your eyes follow his, all the way to V Tower. 

Ah, yes Velvette and Vox. 

“Velvette can be quite the troublemaker.” 

“And Vox can be quite the thorn.” You counter, taking another sip. 

God, the wine was so good. 

“I have… information worth your while.” His teeth shined. 

“And in return?” 

“A quid-pro-quo. I have been gone a long time, but my relationships with those I am… close with have held strong. That is the perk of being as old as I am. I am tried and true. You are new blood, officially worth a seat at the table. That seat will be tested.” There was an edge to his words now. “Do not take Velvette’s silence for inaction.”

You did not. 

Yet, what could Alastor know that you have not yet uncovered yourself? After all, you have been watching them these past few days. Surely something would have come up by now. 

You scoffed, finding the underlying meaning in his words. “Is that what happened with Vox?” 

The Radio Demon stiffened. There it was, a hint of that barely contained anger. Oh, how you would love to see it unleashed.

You sniffed, searching for the scent of rage, of jasmine green tea - the main reason why you loved the drink. Yet there was nothing. Irritation prickled your skin. You have never been able to not read someone before. What made this Sinner so special? 

“That is what you want from this… partnership, is it not?” You prod, hoping he will give away something, anything that might clue you in as to why you are here. 

The demon returned to his wine, a muscle in his jaw flickering with agitation. He didn’t like appearing weak. 

Narcissist. 

“The plans I have in mind are far bigger than that poor excuse for an entertainment system.” 

You snorted. 

Alastor’s strained smile softened. 

Hmm, a quid-pro-quo, huh? Still, he hasn’t said what he wants out of this deal. 

You took another sip to think, noting your glass was already empty. 

The Radio Demon cleared his throat, wine bottle in hand, gesturing for your cup. His fingers brushed yours as you handed him the glass, sending a wave of static through to your core. You pulled back too fast, bringing your arm to your chest. The demon’s eyes gleamed in amusement. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! You are not afraid of the Radio Demon, so why were you acting like an idiot? Never let your weaknesses show and you just gave him a clear indication that he intimidated you. You are a FUCKING OVERLORD. 

Why was this not easier with a mask on??? At the Hotel, you didn’t back down, but still, you let him think less of you. Not here. Here you are the fucking Shadow, you didn’t have to pretend. You had no reason to be so nervous. 

So why was the smile on his face and the look in his half-lidded eyes making your heart do backflips in your chest? Why was it when he handed the glass back you were conscious to not let your fingers touch his? Why were you so grateful for the space between you two yet also so, so irritated by it? 

“You still have not told me what you seek to gain.” You prayed your voice didn't sound as unnerved as you felt. 

His smile went cockeyed. “A mutual agreement. We stay out of each other’s way, yet seek out the other when we can benefit equally.” 

That didn’t sound like a partnership. That sounded like an alliance. Is this the same type of deal he had with Rosie? Interestingly, they seemed more like friends than something so surface-level as an alliance. Perhaps it started out that way and blossomed into one? 

The butterflies in your stomach kicked up in a flurry. The Radio Demon thought you were worth his time. Your cheeks heated. He thought you could help him - in some sort of capacity. God, why did that make you wanna squeal like a small child? 

“I will not be signing a contract,” you warned. 

Rosie informed you of Alastor’s contract crafting abilities. The demon was meticulous, bordering on obsessive when it came to exacting details. Line-by-line he would work and when it was finally done, the deal would appear flattering in what it would have to offer. Somehow, Alastor always made it seem like it was you who was the one to benefit. Yet, that was never the case. It was a trap, a beautifully disguised ploy which demoted you to a creature privy to his whim. Alastor was a master and the signee his pet - he would have it no other way. 

You’d die before you signed anything he authored. 

The demon laughed. Yet, underneath, there was a hint of irritation. “Oh, no. I did not expect that, I assure you. Ours will be one of a verbal agreement.” 

You let that marinate. He won’t be getting your name, but an agreement will still be made, and in Hell, that was a very powerful thing indeed. You’ve made plenty of verbal agreements before. Fuck, every hit you contracted was a verbal agreement - silence and the contractee’s soul in exchange for murder. The terms you set were quite simple, actually, yet strong enough to have kept any hint, any suspicion of who you are and how to find you, out of the mouths of Pentagram City’s most powerful. Yes, the media did try to track you down, even attempted to hunt you at one point, but they haven’t gotten very far. And they never will if you had anything to do with it…

You took a sip, letting the flavors melt off your tongue one final time, before standing and offering a hand. 

The demon’s eyes lit up with a crimson fire, his lips curling at the edges. He looked far too eager for this deal and that made you hesitate. 

Dealing with Alastor was like dancing - a dance you both pretended not to be leading but also refused to be the follower in. It was a game of power, you see. Yes, dancing had its steps and rules - a waltz is a waltz after all - but the direction it was going, the added flare to the spins, the story the choreography told - that was where you battled. Thus, you needed to be a half-step ahead of Alastor at all times - without him knowing, of course - until either the dance ended or you found a way to end him. 

The Radio Demon took your hand, and as you gazed into his eyes, you watched his pupils dilate. The glow of your yellow irises reflected in their dark center, an aura of red encircling your hooded form. A river of blue and green exploded from where your hands touched, twirling about you like the eye of a beautifully destructive hurricane.

The wind whipped Alastor’s hair about his face, his smile never faltering, his eyes never leaving yours as a connection snapped between the two of you. Like a thin string bridging your souls, you could, for a moment, feel Alastor on the other end, feel his static radiating from his core before the connection faded entirely.  

It was done. 

“A pleasure,” he purred. 

You attempted to step back and break away from his grasp, but the demon responded by clamping down and pulling you to him. You stumbled, your other hand coming to his chest to prevent your fall. The hood atop your head shifted back ever so slightly, but not enough to reveal your face or to give away anything underneath. 

The shadows engulfing your feet twirled and twirled about you, yet you remained frozen. Alastor was a solid wall of muscle beneath his suit; even with gloves on, you could feel the marble from which his chest was sculpted. You took a breath before you pulled your hand away before your brain finally caught up with the rest of you.

“Beautiful,” Alastor’s voice deepened. 

You dared a glance from beneath your hood and found the demon’s eyes locked on the silver embroidery of your cloak. With his other hand, he ghosted over the trim, his fingers tracing the hard edges of the stitching. Yet, at no point did he actually touch the black fabric. If he did, his fingers would phase through it, just as Velvette’s had at the meeting. 

Without saying anything, he dropped the grip on your fist, freeing you from his clutches. You stumbled backward, grasping your hood and pulling it forward to ensure it stayed in place. Alastor couldn’t remove it, but that little stunt he pulled almost ruined everything you had worked for. 

Your body grew cold as you backtracked to the railing, your little meeting coming to an end. You watched as Alastor’s grin turned into a lopsided smirk as he shoved his hands in his pockets, nonchalantly watching you flee.

Your instincts were screaming again, but this time, they were telling you not to let the demon out of your sight. 

Passing by the table, you noted the obsidian calling card. He would use it to summon you from here on out, but he would never be using his own blood. His real name would be made to you then, and he would never risk that. 

Take advantage of the power given, was what he recollected from Plato, and use it to slaughter others. 

“Velvette is using a third party to buy weapons from Carmilla Carmine,” the demon finally spoke, breaking the tension. He turned to the skyline, absentmindedly analyzing V Tower as he talked. “The female Vee, however, is not the fighter of the group, she leaves that to Vox and Valentino. Velvette destroys by reputation. She is not much to fear if armed, but if privy to certain information, she will use that to destroy her enemies.”

A.K.A do not let her find out who you are. 

You paused as your back hit the railing. You let your shadows build beneath your feet before you jumped in order to conceal your form as you flew. “Vox’s Angelic Security is in place but not online. It expands two blocks from V Tower. If anyone were to make a move, he would see it coming.” 

The Radio Demon nods. He pauses a moment before adding, “Carmilla killed the Angel.” 

You freeze, your heart skipping a beat. How the Hell did he know that? 

“Carmilla is monitoring the Vees,” The words tumbled out of your mouth as you grabbed hold of the railing. “She doesn’t want them making a move against Heaven.” You needed to get away. This meeting was getting dangerous. Losing your cool and almost losing your hood in the span of minutes? You were never this sloppy. Alastor made you sloppy. 

“Interesting,” his voice stopped you again. 

You spun, raising an eyebrow in question. His lopsided smirk only grew. “You didn’t ask me how Carmilla killed the Angel.” 

Fuck. He knew. He knew you already knew. He didn’t have to look at you to see the surprise in your eyes, he had figured it out by your response alone. 

“Goodnight, Alastor,” you gave a shallow head bow before jumping off into the night, Alastor’s fucking grin following you into the sky. 

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It was late when you returned. You took a few extra spins about Pentagram City before heading back, trying to collect your thoughts on everything that had just happened. 

You had surmised two important things: One, Alastor’s absence wasn’t just about Lilith. The demon somehow knew Lilith. Perhaps it was because of her that he left in the first place. Which you already somewhat suspected, but this confirmed it. Two, Alastor wanted the Vees dealt with, but he knew he couldn’t do it alone. 

A quid-pro-quo in taking out the Vees. Now, things were getting interesting. This didn’t derail your plans, however, little Ms. Morningstar was still heading in the direction you needed her to go for everything to work. You didn’t need the Vees for the endgame - you had other powers in your back pocket with far more influence than the three of them. Plus, the connections you were making at the Hotel were going swimmingly. Soon, not yet, but soon, you’d implement the next phase. 

Oh, if only Father could see you now - wherever the Hell he was. Did he fall to Hell or was he somehow topside? No. You’d know if he was down here with you. You’d feel it in your bones. Wherever he ended up, you were going to find him and you were going to make him suffer for everything he put you through. 

You weren’t just going to kill him - oh, no. He didn’t deserve a quick and clean death. It was going to be slow and torturous. You were going to make him feel every ounce of the pain he put you through and more. You’d take your time, after all; why rush? Hours, days, months, years; what use was putting a timeline to his punishment when it would never make up for what he did? No. You’d take your time pushing him to the edge, and when he was on the cusp of eternal darkness, you’d heal him and start all over again.   

Perhaps you did have a flair for murder like the Radio Demon. Your creative outlets were just significantly more specific - lying in wait for the perfect muse. 

Wrapping your fingers around the edge of the window pane, you quietly slipped inside. With a snap, your leather gear and cloak slipped into the Void, replaced with a silk pajama set: a tank top and shorts bordering on just too short. Scandalous, but you enjoyed burying yourself beneath layers of blankets while you slept. Any more clothing and you’d wake up sweating. 

Going for the bathroom, you turned on the light and paused. In the reflection of your mirror, you saw it: a red box wrapped in black ribbon. Your heart skipped a beat. 

Someone had been in your room. 

Hesitantly, you made your way before the coffee table and found a card perched atop the neatly wrapped bow. 

You leaned in and sniffed the package - Nifty. You were going to have to touch base with the Hotel cleaning lady after breakfast. From day one, you had made it quite clear - to her great disappointment - not to clean your room, let alone enter it. Perhaps you weren’t clear enough, for she felt it acceptable to leave this here as opposed to outside your door.

Doing a circle about the space, you inspected the sealing runes which kept certain individuals out, eyeing the shadows just in case. You had hidden the ancient magic in concealed places, even buying a rug to cover the one at the base of your door, and kept your most important things in your Void. It wasn’t the best place to store your leather and cloak - especially after the moth infestation a few years back - but it was a necessity at the moment. 

Then you went for the present. Pulling the black ribbon atop, you jumped back as the box split into fours, revealing a small radio. It was of a classic design and cathedral in shape, carved from mahogany and detailed in yellow and red. The device was simple, with only two buttons: an on-and-off switch and a volume dial. No tuning dial to change the channel? No chord to plug it in?

Fuck. How did he know? You racked your brain trying to figure out when and to whom you talked to regarding your sleepless nights. Rosie knew, but you hadn’t specifically discussed it with her lately. Did you say something to Husk in passing? To Angel while you were bitching at breakfast? 

Hesitantly, you turned on the device. A pleasant, smooth jazz echoed through the speaker: Paul Whiteman’s “Sleepy Time Down South.” Hilarious… The Radio Demon has a sense of humor. At least it wasn’t the screams of blood-curdling murder. 

After inspecting the radio three times over, you deemed it not a threat - although you kept it far away from your bed as you crawled beneath the sheets. With a snap of your fingers, the bathroom light turned off, plunging you into a cocoon of darkness, enveloped by the lullaby of sweet jazz…

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At some point in the night, you awoke, your mouth parched and throat dry.  

🎶 It’s not the pale moon that excites me 🎶

Alastor’s radio switches over to a new song, the music seeming to follow you as you make your way to the kitchen. The hallways were silent, the Hotel Natives snoozing away in the late hours of the night. 

🎶 That thrills and delights me 🎶

You pass by the library as a zip of static runs its way down your spine, stopping you in your tracks. Alastor stood before the fireplace, flames roaring in its hearth, casting an eerie glow throughout the room. The demon faces the fire, his attention on the crackle of the logs as they whittled away into ash. He was still dressed in his three piece suit you saw him in only hours ago, his ears pressed flat against his head in irritation. Something was bothering him. 

🎶 Oh, no. It’s just the nearness of you 🎶

He pretended not to notice you standing there staring at him from the hallway, but his shadow didn't. It zipped around your feet, twirling about your ankles in greeting, before practically dragging you inside the room. And when it had you well within the confines of the space, it flew to the doors.

🎶 It isn’t your sweet conversation 🎶

The shadow slammed them shut. CLICK! Then locked them. 

You were trapped. 

🎶 That brings this sensation 🎶

Alastor tilts his head over his shoulder, his half-lidded eyes landing on you. The demon looked royally pissed. 

This was it, this was the moment.

Alastor had figured out who you are. Your hood had fallen farther than you thought and he had seen your face and put the pieces together. He knew you were the Shadow, the mysterious new Overlord, here to challenge his grab for Princess Morningstar’s power. 

And he was going to kill you for it. 

🎶 Oh, no. It’s just the nearness of you 🎶

You didn’t hesitate to summon your blue flames, preparing for a fight, yet he moved faster than your mind could comprehend. Between one blink and the next, Alastor appears before you, his hand wrapping around your throat so tight you choke on the lack of air. Grasping at his arm, you dig your claws into his skin, your demon form summoning, as you melt the red fabric with your flame. But he is unphased by the heat, pulling back and slamming you so hard into the wall that spiderwebs crack across the plaster. 

🎶 When you’re in my arms 🎶

You try to summon more flame to burn him down to the very core of his soul like you had done to thousands of Sinners before, but the blue fire does nothing to his skin. It singes the red fabric, turning it black, but his skin beneath is unharmed. 

Shit.

🎶 And I feel you so close to me 🎶

The demon leans in, a low growl emanating from his chest, his teeth glinting in the firelight as his eyes hone in on your neck. As the blood pumped through your jugular, you watched his pupils dilate and fixate on the vein. He was a Cannibal, a predator, a killer whittled down to pure instinct. Everything within him was screaming kill, kill, kill.

🎶 All my wildest dreams came true…🎶

Your lungs screamed as you choked out, “Alastor.” It was weak, barely a whisper, but it was enough to draw his gaze from your neck to your eyes. In his pupils, you saw yourself desperate and bordering on losing yourself to the darkness threatening to close in. Despite the fight you felt in your bones you looked terrified.

🎶 I need no soft lights to enchant me 🎶

His name slipping from your mouth, the quiver he saw in your lips, had cracked something within him.

🎶 If you would only grant me 🎶

His grip disappeared, allowing you a breath of air. 

🎶 The right to hold you ever so tight 🎶

You bent over, coughing onto the floor, sucking down breaths in gasps that make your eyes water. 

🎶And to feel in the night🎶

Standing, you held onto the broken wall, forcing yourself to stay on your feet, despite your knees threatening to collapse beneath you.

“Alastor, what the fuck…” And before you had a chance to finish your question, the demon wraps his claws around your chin and forcefully slams his lips into yours. 

🎶The nearness of you🎶

The kiss was anything but soft, anything but patient. The demon was hungry and starving, and only you could satiate his appetite.

His other hand presses your hip back against the wall as he kicks your legs apart, drawing a gasp from your lips. Alastor takes the opportunity to run his tongue across your bottom lip before snaking it into your mouth. His tongue finds yours, prodding, testing, tasting.  

He pushes you flush against the wall, his knee pressing higher and higher until it finds the pocket between your thighs, eliciting a gasp that turns into a moan as he pulls you onto him, forcing your clit in line with his leg. 

The demon smiles against your lips, finally releasing your chin to grab your waist, his fingers bunching in the thin material of your pajama bottoms. You take the opportunity to find the lapels of his jacket to give you something to grab onto as you arch into him, pulling him closer as you press your breasts into his chest. The demon growls, a deep rumble emanating from within as he bites down on your bottom lip. 

Copper floods your mouth, turning the kiss sweet, but for Alastor, it’s a frenzy. He was no longer satisfied with just tasting you. He had to devour you.  

The silky material of your pajamas was oh-so thin. No underwear or bra beneath them, you were practically naked as the tips of his claws sank into the meat of your hips, beads of red pebbling on your skin. 

God and the pain only added to the pleasure building between your legs, only made your head swim as his lips slid over yours, capturing every drop of scarlet flooding your mouth. 

The demon helps guide your hips as you ground your clit into his thigh, wetness seeping into the silky material before pooling onto his pants. The room flooded with the scent of warm vanilla.

This man had you soaked, had your lips dripping as you ground into him faster and faster, your pleasure building with each roll. Alastor finally released your mouth, his teeth finding your neck, but he didn’t bite. Instead, he teased. He ran his tongue along the dip of your collarbone, tracing it to the spot where your shoulder met your neck, before finally running it up to your ear.

You moaned when he took your lobe into his mouth, nipping at it with his teeth. Alastor instinctively rolled his hips, his cock tenting his pants, grinding on nothing but air. 

Suddenly, it wasn’t enough. The friction wasn’t enough. You needed more. Needed more of him to push yourself over the edge. 

“Al…” You breathed into his ear between moans, your fingers trailing down to the twitch in his pants, but stopping when you hit his belt. “Please…” You tugged.

The demon laughed, capturing your groans with his mouth before answering, “No.” 

You blinked. “No?”

The demon puts a hard stop to your hips, pausing your grinding and the build in your pleasure. He grabs your hand on his belt and captures two of your fingers in his mouth. Sucking with his lips, he circles your fingertips with his tongue, wetting them before guiding your hand back down to your clit. 

“I want to watch,” he smiles against your cheek before he wraps a finger under your chin and brings your face up to his. “Fuck yourself,” he commands. 

And you obeyed.   

Your two fingers find the apex of your pleasure beneath your shorts, and you moan, wetting your clit with his spit as you circle the bud.

You barely have to touch yourself, you’re already so close. 

Alastor does nothing to help, save for his gaze, save for his breath which matched yours. The demon’s eyes glittered with heat and desire as they bore into you. He could feel the pleasure radiating off of you, could feel it as real as you could feel his static on the other side of the bond you formed today. 

“Good girl,” he growled, his cock twitching in his pants with each moan that escaped your lips. 

“I’m close,” you whined, twirling your fingers faster and faster, feeling the pressure build between your legs. 

Alastor dug his claws into your skin, his gaze soaking up every look of pleasure on your face, his ears absorbing every moan, his cock hardening with every swipe of your fingers against yourself.

“Cum for me, darling.” The demon’s lips curled as he swiped the hair from your eyes, sticky with sweat. He wanted to watch as you sent yourself over the edge. He wanted to miss nothing.

And just as you reached your climax...

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...you wake up in bed, your screams of pleasure drawing you from sleep. 

Your orgasm spasmed through your body, your legs twitching as you rode the wave, your pussy clenching on nothing but air…

Fuck, it was the best orgasm you had ever had, nevermind that it was your first.

And when it was over and your mind sobered, you realized it was all a dream.

You never woke up for a glass of water.

You never found Alastor in the library. 

Grabbing a pillow, you launched it at the radio on the coffee table but missed by a mile. Burying your face in the sheets, you screamed. You screamed until your lungs burned because anything was better than acknowledging the truth.

Anything was better than acknowledging that you just had your very first wet dream, and it was of Alastor, the Radio Demon.

Muahahahaha! Remember it's a slow burn ;)

-> Chapter Six

Masterlist Link: Masterlist

*Plato's Allegory of the Cave

Tag List (Let me know if you want to be added):

@sirens-and-moonflowers @wonderlandangelsposts @saccharine-nectarine @goyablogsstuff

[britt-kageryuu]

Masterpost: VTurtles!

Apparently there's a 100 link limit on a post so I'm moving some of the links into separate master posts based on category.

I started this as just putting out there an idea that constantly kept popping into my mind, and didn't really mean to just turn it into an AU, but here we are!

Some notes about my AU: The turtles are Raph (21), Donnie & Leo (20) and Mikey (19). Splinter, April, the Casey's, and other characters will be mentioned, April is sometimes acting as a Mod, and others popping up in chat.

Medic Leo, Trans Leo.

Donnie- Donnie Centered Posts!

Leo- Leo Centered Posts!

Mikey- Mikey Centered Posts!

Raph - Raph Centered Posts!

Donnie & Leo- Disaster Twins Posts!

Donnie & Mikey- S&C setup | Some Ice Cream,

Raph & Donnie - Exercise R&D | In the Garage,

Raph & Leo - Wedding Talk,

Donnie Leo & Mikey- Testing | Just Dance | Until Dawn,

Raph Donnie Leo & Mikey - Event Testing | Movie Night | Food Preparation | Playing a Game! | Decorating the Studio,

Shelldon/River- River | Mistaken Error | Explanations | Robo Stream | Trilby | Race for Violet | B.B.R.P

Random Extras - VODs, Social Media, and Behind the Scenes!

A Peek into Another World, <----- probably just an April Fools Joke, maybe not..

Pre-Au Ideas- 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |

Art- 1 | 2 | River-Concept

A slight detail I worried over that was kinda pointless: Stagenames!

Raph = Red Angel | Donnie = Dee | Leo = BlueNeon | Mikey = Mandarin |

Asks: First | Second | Third | Fourth

Convention Series - Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

------------------------

TMNT AU Void - Observation Orders | Wandering | Splitting Up | Climbed a Raph | Drifting in a Void

[babyjakes]

devils roll the dice.

〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

event | kinkmas 2023

prompts | sex tape + medfet

pairing | hitman!robert pronge x innocent!reader

warnings | extremely dark, the darkest thing i've ever written (we've entered dead dove do not eat territory; please heed ALL warnings.) canon-level mature themes: kidnapping, torture films, murder. implications that reader will be killed. robert is cold and ruthless. innocent!virgin!reader. filming of illicit sex tape. reader is blindfolded and gagged. restraints. medfet elements: robert's little setup is giving vintage white tile exam room, exam table, stirrups, those gd black gloves, speculum use. clit focus (puff puff content incoming.) vibrator. multiple forced orgasms. squirting. overstimulation. mocking and degradation. robert puts a cig out on reader's leg. written in 3rd person idk.

word count | 1,485

an | i'm kind of sitting here like wtf, ,, what is this and how did it come out of me lol. a little nervous to post, but i trust you guys to make responsible decisions about the media you consume!!! i'll probably never write something this fucked up again but for whatever reason it was just flowing out of me tonight folks, please again i'm begging you go read the warnings, like a second time through wouldn't hurt lol, and i hope you enjoy!!

Bringing its bitter end to his lips, Robert used one hand to draw in a deep breath of his dwindling cigarette, the other lazily holding a black magic wand in its designated place. He was nearly an hour into the day's filming session, and his subject was reaching a level of exhaustion and misery that made her more annoying to play with than anything else. But knowing he needed to milk at least a little more footage out of her before putting her back under and calling it a day, the man kept at the task. He tried to remind himself that he should be enjoying himself; considering the kinds of commissions he generally had to choose from, this particular case was a treat. A pretty little virgin, as soft and pure as the early spring rain, with the most stunning body the criminal had ever had the privilege of defiling. He could spend another thirty minutes at his station, watching as all the life and dignity were drained out of his poor little victim like blood dripping to the cold tile floor.

Through the musty cloth rammed between her battered lips, the poor girl's cries were escalating as her tormentor swirled the curve of the wand's slick bulb over her burning clit. Robert knew what her worsening wails meant; with a callous grin, he pulled his cig from his mouth just in time to press its smoking end to the girl's inner thigh as she came. With the howl she let out, he was thankful for the buffer the gag provided. "Noisy little bitch," he laughed as her juices sprayed out against his gloved hands. "That's it, slut. Fucking take it."

Glancing at the camcorder sitting off to his side, Robert considered his options. As much satisfaction as he derived from seeing how many orgasms could be wrung out of the poor thing before her body knocked her out as an act of mercy, his sadistic tendencies were getting bored of the monotony. Tossing the used cigarette to the floor, the man slowed the wand to a stop. He rolled away slightly on his stool, tossing the condom that was wrapped over the toy's head into the large black trash bag sitting in the center of the large room's floor. This far into his career, Robert had his methods down to a science. There was a way to keep everything clean, everything untraceable.

It was the whole purpose of his "worksite"; it provided a secure, controlled environment for the entire job to take place in, from start to flatline finish. The "set" was by far his favorite portion of the space, and understandably so, as it's where his sick imagination got to run wild for hours, days on end. And his clients were just as enthusiastic about the vivid stage he had put together for their subjects to shine on. It was somewhat inspired by a vintage gynecology office. He had the classic off-white exam table, equipped with a daunting pair of metal stirrups that were always positioned just a little wider than what would be comfortable. A sturdy set of restraints were of course a must, and to make sure the camera picked up on every agonizing detail, he had installed an adjustable surgical light overhead that could be aimed and drawn in to illuminate any area or action he chose. He hadn't struggled to gather all the tools and instruments he could ever want, either. A few of his buyers were licensed professionals themselves, opening the door to acquiring inventory from the big-name brands in bulk.

The other corners of the room had their designated uses as well: one with a filthy mattress for the unconscious victims to waste away on as heavy drugs pumped through their systems, another with large plastic sheets covering the floor, walls, and ceiling where the poor souls were hosed down (inside and out) before a bullet to the temple inevitably ended their long days of suffering. But most of their waking hours were spent on that dreaded padded table, the very spot where Robert's most recent capture was using the few moments he spent away from his station desperately trying to regain control of her breathing.

He returned to his position swiftly after switching out his soiled pair of black gloves for fresh ones, not wanting to waste any of his or his client's time. The sight of the girl's abused sex was enough to make the man drool; it had been quite some time since he had seen such a marvelous-looking cunt, so glorious in its messy destruction. Knowing he should share the beautiful sight, he took the time to adjust the camera, zooming in from a full-body shot to focus solely on the spot between the victim's legs. With the humiliating inspection he was preparing to perform, he wanted to be sure his buyer got to see each drop of come the poor girl let out, every twitch and spasm he would pull from her helpless body.

"Now let's see here," the man breathed as he brought his gloved fingers up to gently spread out the ruined-looking pussy before him. Noticing the way his subject winced as her puffy folds were pried open, he couldn't help but laugh in dark delight. He drew his attention to her throbbing clit, noting how much it had grown in size from all those unwanted orgasms he had forced out of her. Its hood was completely retracted, leaving the poor bud exposed to the open air. In a moment of perverted curiosity, Robert pinched the hardened nub harshly between his fingers, earning the prettiest sob he had heard from the girl all day. He chuckled once more, rolling and pulling at the knot of flesh for a few more seconds of additional torture before finally moving his hands away.

"What do you think? Should we try for one more?" he mused mockingly as he grabbed a plastic speculum from one of the drawers built in beneath the table, unwrapping it and tossing its trash to the side before pausing to grin deviously over his victim. Glancing up at her head, he realized it was still covered with a black hood he had put on her at the beginning of the shoot. The buyer had requested for her to be blindfolded like this for a decent portion of the film, offering the explanation that she was "afraid of the dark," and that he wanted to see her in as much pain and fear as humanly possible. The hood had served its purpose for the day, but now, Robert wanted the poor girl to see each and every way he was going to be violating her body in real time. In one swift motion, he reached up and pulled the pocket of fabric away, exposing her stunning tear-stained face. "Hi sweetheart," he greeted viciously. Just as he was hoping, her cries worsened as she saw the dreaded tool in his hands. He had a certain liking for holding up the devices he was preparing to use to see his victim's reactions; after all, he got off on fear and dread just as much as his clients did.

"Time to open up this pretty little cunt and see what kind of damage we did," the man enthused as he forced the tip of the instrument into the girl's drenched opening. By now, she had been well stretched out and ruined by her captor's horrific methods. Grappling with his usual lack of restraint and self-control, Robert had barely made the drive back with the girl tied up in his trunk without pulling over and popping that perfect little cherry on his own time, without a single camera properly rolling.

Turning the speculum as it was fully inserted, the man took great pleasure in squeezing the handle to force the tool open, each tiny click that sounded only stretching the poor thing's aching walls out to a further, more painful degree. "There," he sighed in satisfaction as the last notch was reached. Pulling his hands away, he gave himself and the camera a few seconds to enjoy the view of the girl's milky insides, so worn and sore from the days of torture she'd endured.

"Alright. One more," he finally hummed, using his gloved fingers to collect some of the plentiful slick dripping from the speculum before dragging them up to find that adorable little button he loved bullying so much. Her fading sobs were revived in an instant, her throat growing hoarse from all the screaming she'd done. But as much as she cried, Robert was determined to get one final orgasm from her before putting her back under for the day. After spending so much time making that pretty pussy as puffy and sensitive as possible, he deserved to see it coming all stretched out painfully over his instrument of choice.

[vomitdodger]

This is interesting if you like debate, take an active interest in true constitutionality issues and mental gymnastics. About a six min vid. Discusses whether Harris is eligible for presidency based on the constitutional requirements. Not that I think it will make a difference. Discussion centers around what is a “natural born citizen” and “subject to the jurisdiction within”. Point being Harris was born on US soil while her non-US citizen parents had expired stays.

I’ve tried to find a definite answer for about two days and no such luck.

Points of considerations:

The Supreme Court has never officially ruled on this. There is much academic inference but it’s never ruled on a case/scenario like this.

The founding fathers original intent of “natural born citizens” was what most people would think…born to US citizens…not an anchor baby (Harris). Note they included the specific word “natural”.

Citizenship was later clarified to children of citizens born overseas…basically. Example: Ted Cruz born in Canada and McCain born in Panama Canal zone. Both considered “natural born citizens” so eligible to run.

Anchor baby’s are often referred to as “birthright citizens”. This is comrade Haley. Difference is her parents were in the US legally although not yet naturalized. Harris’ parents were neither…they stayed past their defined term. This is really key.

Most academics and some court rulings have made or attempted to make the terms “natural born” and “birthright” interchangeable. Others have said..not so fast…go back to original intent…they are not the same for constitutional legalities.

Truly a constitutional scholar/legal issue that would only be officially settled by the SCOTUS. Again not that it will likely make a difference anytime soon, if at all.

If you try to find info disregard anything in the last year or so…it’s clearly a setup for future Harris runs. Disregard fact checkers and the usual media. Disregard any source that simple lists the 3 presidential requirements as worthless, low IQ input.

I also suspect there’s heavy media censorship of arguments against Harris’ scenario. Most articles simply list those 3 basic requirements without any constitutional scholar authority….so again low IQ, meaningless input to influence the masses with repetition. Which is exactly what the media does.

[logan-lieutenant]

i didn't win the wheel: episode 2

much shorter episode this week! probably because it consisted mostly of golf so they decided between this and team torque they would have mercy on us and cut most of it. still lots to work with though. obviously. because it's them.

love a little throwback to episode one, we've got "genuinely trying to go along with the program and introduce the gist of the show" and "so completely zoned out you'd have better luck getting the attention of a cat chasing a laser" except this time it's switched up. i'm pretty sure alex does like a maximum of three introductions out of the whole series, if that, so you just know they said, "Logan, do you want to go first?" and he put on the most nonchalant amiable expression and said "Hmm... I think Alex should go first since I did it the last time" and then alex just glares daggers at him but knows he can't throw a fit about it in front of the crew and logan's smiling ear-to-ear like "what you gonna do about it?" oh, and also, last week they were even leaning back on the same couch and literally giving "two bros chillin in a hot tub five inches apart cause they're not sure if the other is gay" BUT here we are standing up no couch no excuse and logan's just "you're my new center of gravity now". okay. okay sure.

Alex (already done with this, looking GENUINELY distressed): "It's windy out here, we don't have real golfballs so it's gonna go everywhere..."

Logan: "You're a lot better at golf than me, so I expect you to do well."

WHOA alright. first of all from everything we got so far (not a lot) the main dynamic seems to be: logan acting confident and cocky and arrogant just to annoy alex and also gazing at him with the most endearing/loving/shit-eating expressions, and alex being awkward and out of his comfort zone and taking it too seriously but eventually losing his focus because he can't help but smile back at logan. which i LOVE. but alex is already getting frustrated before the challenge begins and logan is like what... comforting him? reassuring him? boosting his confidence? "i expect you to do well" whole body turned completely to face him. like dammmn alright breaking the theme a little but that's honestly so sweet... also should i mention that we are literally less than thirty seconds into the video and they're already facing AWAY from the camera and TOWARDS each other. and in a few seconds they'll literally turn around to talk to each other looking at the game setup like this is not how you do media you guys know this and yet

(Golf session ends, Logan wins because Alex spent the whole time grappling with the wind)

Logan: "Alright, well... as you saw, little bit of a dominant display there..."

and then he has to abandon that sentence immediately because they both start laughing, like straight up giggling almost breathless like "wait did i really just say that out loud" "did he really just say that out loud" and logan turns RIGHT into alex AGAIN because he's watching every possible reaction plain on alex's face 😂 like alex is both startled and amused and endeared and very incredulous. at one point he straight-up looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows like "oh yeah? WAS it though? can you BELIEVE this guy look at him he doesn't even believe himself" like I CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP. honestly i'm just gonna have to make a gif of it because it's so- it's just so obvious.

oh my god, that's just– this is just adorable. this is gonna be my lockscreen i swear because look at them. alex is still laughing trying not to but that earlier comment just threw him off and logan is leaning into him purposely pushing his arm against alex's (he does it twice) and he's just so happy he 1) made alex laugh 2) made alex FLUSTERED jesus christ get that boy some water and 3) got away with it. this is what i meant about logan being alex's turnaround point. he literally lost at the golf game just like he was worried he would and yet here he's the most happy and comfortable he's been all video

okay let's round it off with– alex what the FUCK is this posture. i was going to take a ss already because of how close he leaned into logan (we know you can see the goddamn ipad alex you aint slick) and THEN he did this. shoulders slanted. hand on the hip. face like the gay best friend about to judge the shit out of the guy you're falling for. what in the actual fuck is going on here i mean i was so not ready for the amount of cunt that was served in a literal shift of position. also can we talk about how alex is literally built like a spaghetti noodle and the height difference is very very obvious but here he's throwing out ✨that hip✨ and they're definitely closer to the same height? that is both adorable and just absolutely ridiculous and i'm loving every second of it. the fact that logan is entirely oblivious just makes it funnier.

the smiles, guys. the smiles. i'm breaking my own heart rewatching these but god fucking dammit james vowels i'll take what i can get.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Season One was Fun, but it’s the Reason for All of Chat Noir’s Problems

While season one of Miraculous is certainly not perfect, it’s got a lot of good content. Fun episodes, interesting character setups, and interesting plot setups make it a solid opening season to this type of show. There is, however, one massive flaw, the repercussions of which we’re still feeling to this day. That flaw is the dynamic that it establishes between Ladybug and Chat Noir. A dynamic that works great for a duo, but falls apart when you add a larger team.

General Talk About Team Dynamics

When you’re writing a story with a team or core group, the characters need to be designed around each other. How will they interact? Who are the key characters? Who is the leader? Who is the brains? Who is the comic relief? And so on. 

Each character should, by and large, fill a unique role. This is especially true in larger cast because you’re going to have to balance writing all of these characters, so you need to have clear logic for who will be doing what. This is a big reason why having 18 heroes with only one clear main character is a terrible idea. There just aren’t 18 unique roles to be filled. There will be overlap and characters will end up being defined by their powers and little else. That’s why most shows cap out at 7 or 8 people in that core team and why the core team usually starts as much smaller group.

The size of your team is a huge factor in deciding how clearly the character roles need to be defined. If it’s a team of two, then the fact that the team is so small will make the characters feel important just because they’re the main focus. This means that you can get away with one of the characters being more silly and less obviously important. One of the best examples of this is Kim Possible.

That show sees the titular character doing most of the heavy lifting. She’s the fighter, the badass, the brains, the one everyone knows. Her partner, Ron, is mostly there as comic relief. However, you don’t watch this show and think “why is Ron even there? Why doesn’t Kim bring X?” Because there is no X. Kim and Ron are the only options, so Ron can be as silly as the writers want him to be without coming across as just another part of the team. There are even episodes centered around showing that Kim and Ron can’t function without each other. They are the only viable team.

Let’s contrast them to these four:

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are four of the best know hero characters in modern media and they are exceedingly well balanced. While different versions will mess with the family dynamics, the general pattern is that Leo is the serious leader, Raph is the tank/second in command, Donnie is the brains, and Mikey is the artsy comic relief. The property would not be enjoyable if you didn’t have all four characters there to balance each other out.

However, if the world is ending and you have to pick two turtles to save the day, then you’re probably not picking Mikey for your roster. He’s a strong fighter and a fun character, but the roles that the other three play make them better picks in almost every scenario.

This is true for pretty much any show with this kind of dynamic. If you have a comic relief character, then they’re going to be fun. They might even be the fan favorite! But from the perspective of the story, the comic relief character is there to lighten the mood and assist the team. The other ones are there to take charge and solve the problems. The only way to get around this is to give the comic relief a strong second role that elevates them to more than just the comic relief. (Quick note: this isn’t something that you need to do, btw. Mikey is fine as-is because he doesn’t need to feel more narratively important for the story to work.)

A decent example of a character who is both the comic relief and a key member of the team that you can’t remove if you want to win is Sokka from Avatar the Last Airbender. If you look at the core team, Sokka is the one who is usually cracking the jokes and lightening the mood. He also has no powers, making him the weakest fighter. However, he’s also the one who makes the plans. He’s the “idea guy”. Take Sokka away and the story doesn’t work. The team can fight without him, but they probably won’t win without him because they won’t know where and when to fight.

This is Chat Noir’s problem.

Team Dynamics in Miraculous

Miraculous season one didn’t make Chat Noir a Sokka. It make him a Ron and that worked because there was only Chat Noir and Ladybug. Chat Noir didn’t need to have his importance clearly defined, he was important just because he was Ladybug’s partner. He was the one who kept her from fighting alone. No one else was treated as a viable alternative.

But she’s not alone anymore. There are 17 other people on her team. We’ve seen her fight with different groups and win even though Chat Noir wasn’t able to make it (something that you would never see in Kim Possible). This is the problem. The issue that’s been building and building ever since Rena Rouge first got her miraculous.

If you ignore personal preferences and just look at the roles filled by the different miraculous holders, then Chat Noir doesn’t feel like the obvious pick to stand beside Ladybug. What does he offer that no one else does? What is his unique role outside of comic relief? What makes him scream “duteragonist”?

To fix this problem, you have to go all the way back to the beginning and either nix the larger team or rewrite season one to establish Chat Noir as something more than the comic relief. This doesn’t need to be an aspect of his powers (though I do have thoughts on that). Looking at the previous examples, we see that Donnie is vital because he’s extremely good with technology. Sokka is vital because he makes the plans. Chat Noir could have been vital for a reason as simple as “Ladybug trust him above all others and they constantly work together.” But that’s not what the show did. Alya is both Ladybug’s second in command and her sole confidant. The one who knows all the secrets. Now that Alya - and the rest of the class - have permanent miraculouses, be ready for even more episodes where Chat Noir feels like he’s just there to be Ladybug’s silly arm candy. Which isn’t a problem if Chat Noir is mostly just the love interest a la Tuxedo Mask, but if that’s all he is, then maybe don’t have his family be the center of the plot or put his name in the title?

(Yes, I simplified some of these characters' roles. I'm just making broad statements here to provoke reflection on the writing. I'm not critiquing any property save for Miraculous.)

[glitch-after-dark]

Animal Handler Rodimus/Merformer Thunderclash #4

More setup and a quick overview of the Rehab Center! Plus a surprise for Rodimus!

@sticky-mecha Not much Thunderclash yet, but he returns soon and we'll get more from his side!

@valve3nthusiast and @mychlapci, I hope you enjoy since it was partially inspired by the merformer posts.

Series TW: Noncon (Past), Treating a Sentient Person Like An Animal (Unknowingly on Rodimus's Part), Exhibitionism, Unwilling Public Sex, Abuse, Domestication, Kidnapping, Harassment, Stalking By Media, Mildly Genital Injury (Nothing Explicitly Described), Forced Orgasm, Mechpreg, Alcoholism (Briefly)

PART IV – Recovery and Reunion

Rodimus likes his new job, even if it does keep triggering moment of guilt and horror when he sees what an actual healthy setup from the studies should be. The Rehab Center doesn’t allow a lot of public visitors outside of the educational front area and small viewing areas, but there is nothing close to the actual merformers themselves. The facility takes up most of the west side of the island they are on, built into the ocean and cutting it off, allowing for large expansive areas designed for them as well as areas within the building. While it specializes in merformers it does have other animals rehabbing on the land facilities and Rodimus gets to meet them and sees the obvious differences.

The merformers in the facility as well are much healthier, plumper, more lively, less anxious, their colors and biolights brighter.

They have some that are temporary and intend to be released that they are more off hand with but others are more permanent due to injuries or socialization issues.

Drift is the most famous. After Rodimus got out and read more freely about merformers and the debates on their levels of sentience he heard about Drift who was famous for learning Hand though many debate it is a scam or due to the oddness of the field with merformers reading differently he isn’t communicating but just responding with the same pulses he’s receiving. They’ve tried to release him, he’s healthy, an experienced hunter, socialized, popular among his peers, but he absolutely refuses. He’s been caught before and was famously rescued from a merformers fighting ring by the head of he facility Ratchet and imprinted on him. When he was discovered years later caught up in a spill from a factory that caught up a nearby merformer nesting grounds he was evacuated to the Rehab Center for treatment.

While there he reunited with Ratchet and “imprinted” on him. He absolutely refused to leave despite all his group leaving (including Wing) and kept making courting behaviors and doting on Ratchet. He helps with socializing new captures and rearing orphaned pups to be released back into the wild after he raises them so he has a purpose there. Everyone jokes how he pined after Ratchet for years and only let him take care of him.

The Hand thing was a joke but he got so excited about it the interns showed him. They all knew he was intelligent and would come up with tests for him to do and tech but no one expected him to latch onto it and pick it up immediately. Or that once he learned some words he would terrify everyone by dragging Ratchet into the water to grab his hands and start screaming “RATCHET RATCHET RATCHET!” over and over with Hand while snuggling him beaming. Ratchet got things more organized and kept teaching him more and more complicated concepts and has been petitioning to change the sentience guidelines because Drift is proof just because merformers can’t speak Neocybex and have more instinct coding doesn’t mean they can’t communicate or have higher levels of thoughts.

It's been complicated due to them not being able to pass the Ambus Test and a lot of misinformation about Drift and lack of being able to repeat the experiment out of Ratchet’s facility because, as he keeps emphasizing, the merformers do not feel safe or inclined to account for them and some of the facilities are terrible. Dominus Ambus was actually involved as he was working to revise his own test to account for its own flaws which would he in his own alt mode couldn’t pass.

The other merformers in the facility except for Drift’s occasional pups also aren’t inclined to learn Hand. Most simply aren’t there long enough. Or don’t agree. Another issue with repeating the test.

Whirl refuses and his hands aren’t in a good shape for it though his caretaker Cyclonus is trying to adapt a different communication since he noticed that Whirl uses colors to communicate and Whirl is intelligent enough to build and rebuild things and socializes well with the janitor, Tailgate too. Whirl isn’t exactly one they want meeting the public though, given his general aggression.

Getaway is a menace who keeps breaking out every place they put him and has sired way too many pups. He was released but keeps showing back up in one of the cages whenever he wants, like a seasonal bother, during breeding season. Mostly to harass Skids, who is currently their other lead project trying to learn Hand from Drift. Though it has some difficulties because they are different subspecies which have different fields again so they are trying to adapt it and the fact they keep having to break due to Getaway knocking him up and distracting him. They’ve made some headway with a new Praxian hire Bluestreak adapting door wing language to match Skids’s fin wings.

Other members of the Rehab Center include: Overlord (who is kept carefully under lock and key and is not to be approached unless by trained and approved individuals, because he was a mech killer and actively hunted them. He was slotted to be put down before someone decided, in Ratchet’s words, to make him their problem), Sunstreaker (who was injured and grew attached to an Insecticon recovering in the land facility and they bonded and refuse to leave so they had to make a hybrid enclosure), Tarn (a siren-type with a similar backstory to Overlord and is one of the only times one with his ability was captured alive and is under strict care), Nautica and her sorority (slotted to be released though with how much Nautica has bonded with Skids and her caretake Velocity she is likely going to voluntarily stay), etc.

Rodimus meets many of them and is excited to help out. It makes him feel like he’s making up for accidentally mistreating Thunderclash. Then when he gets read in on the they are probably sentient as we are but that’s being debated and meets Drift, things get even more wobbily for him emotionally. He has a lot of dreams and nightmares mixed up with memories about his time with Thunderclahs. Ratchet and he bond though Rodimus is a little terrified of him finding out about his past.

It’s very good for him and he is making friends and a life for himself, but his libido hasn’t died down and if anything has gotten worse, leading him to regularly hookup most nights and still feels weirdly unsatisfied and craving something. For all he’s mentally recovering he is also eating a lot more and emotional regulation wise he’s getting occasional mood swings, sore back, and he’s started to have his pain dull and get exhausted as the craving in him increases that his hookups are not satisfying.

Ratchet’s the one who finally sits him down to confront him, having been a former doctor in Iacon, and tells him he needs to talk to his doctor because its obvious he needs to increase his transfluid donations because they are not meeting his frame needs and if this keeps up he’ll start cannibalizing himself. Ratchet after enduring Rodimus’s obvious confusion realizes Rodimus doesn’t know he is pregnant. The facility had all kind of largely known because of Drift’s treatment of him. Drift is good for pegging when someone is carrying and treats them accordingly. Since Rodimus wasn’t talking about it though they were respecting his privacy.

Ratchet takes Rodimus to the hospital and hooks him up with a doctor, they estimate how along he is and realize he is much, much too small and behind on building materials so he is put on a strict diet and twice daily donations unless he want to abort. Ratchet calms him down and lets him talk out his emotions and Rodimus figures it happened during his post-trial sex marathons. After awhile thinking about he decides to keep it, Orion, despite Rodimus’s protests, did set him up a trust fund so he never feels pressured to fall into a bad situation again and Rodimus hasn’t been touching it due to complicated feelings but it would allow him to support himself. Plus he likes this area, far away from anyone who knows him and Ratchet goes ahead and tells him they were planning to offer him permanent position once his trial ended and his certificate was granted. The facility has a onsite daycare something Ratchet pushed for when he was pregnant with Medix and Minerva, his sparklings.

Rodimus has a support system and slowly tells everyone, getting healthier (but still feeling unsatisfied sexually), no longer seeking out hookups as often (it was mostly the cravings and the island is a bit too small population wise to keep things from getting awkward and people are more wary now that he has a belly unless they are really into it), and dealing with everyone openly being happy and supportive for him and weirdly enough the merformers reaction to when his belly pops changing.

They are all, without exception, preening for him or doting on him in equal measure. His coworkers explain that it’s a pretty normal reaction and merformers themselves commonly find signs of fertility attractive and, they point to Drift and Ratchet, are known for cross species attraction. There are quite a few jokes about how Drift was when Ratchet was pregnant that people then skirt away from when Ratchet approaches. Drift is the most excited for it and grabs Rodimus’s hands to project congratulations and even pets his belly, before grinning, crookedly and pressing Rodimus’s hand to his own and feeling a hardness there. Rodimus is startled but supposes that for all Drift’s imprinting he does still socialize and share the pool with other merformers, who Rodimus has learned are not shy about public sex and it is incredibly common to the point he’s desensitized at this point and visitors have to sign waivers to acknowledge they might see them getting frisky.

Things are actually going pretty well when they get news about a transfer request from another facility. Rodimus doesn’t think much of it until Ratchet sits Rodimus down and explains, seriously, that it would be Thunderclash transferring.

Rodimus feels like he’s been hit by a truck but says he’ll be fine especially after hearing the reason behind the request is that Thunderclash has health issues, and they want him comfortable because they are convinced he is going to die from complications and Ratchet’s Rehab Center is famous for care. Rodimus is deeply upset because he’d made a point to not investigate it at first and when he’d tried later couldn’t find out and couldn’t bring himself to mention it to Ratchet because that would mean telling about his past. Ratchet, during the talk, reveals he already knew. He just had been respecting Rodimus’s privacy.

Rodimus braces for Thunderclash’s return and hopes for the best. He’s taken to talking the Drift about his feelings while doing rounds and confesses everything that happened to him while Drift makes sympathetic chirps and coos and eventually grabs Rodimus’s hands to convey just pure comfort and support wordlessly, which Rodimus appreciates.

[abrisaber]

Full Moon kinda sucked :/ (Another HB Rant - Spoilers for Full Moon)

I hate to say this but I think Vivziepop has finally lost me. Now I'm not saying I'm no longer an HB fan, JMI was geneticlly enginered to get me addicted to whatever he's in meaning I could'nt stop watching HB even if I tried. However I am starting to doubt Vivziepops talents. I have no idea what happened between the first half of Season 2 and the second half but this kind of seasonal rot has to be studied in a fucking lab.

I want to like the episodes after "The Circus," I really do. I don't even hate Cherubs, but aside from Oops and the Mid-Special, every episode following The Circus has ranged from disapointing to awful compared to S1.

It's not even like I hate the episodes after The Circus either. Seeing Stars was okay for the most part, Exes and Oohs tried to do something, even Unhappy Campers introduced a potentally intresting character (and thats it). But these episodes have so many glaring flaws in my book that it's hard to grasp.

In my opinion, Helluva Boss was at its best during the balk half of season 1/The beginning of Season 2 (Truth Seekers-The Circus) and the decline in writing quality started at around Seeing Stars.

I made a long post that explains what about Truth Seekers I like so if you care even a little bit about my opinions, you can suffer through that rant, but to shorten it here, Truth Seekers is my favorite episode of the series because it balances the comedy and the drama expertly imo. Truth Seekers feels like Helluva Boss had finally stuck the landing at what kind of show it wanted to be. It showcased how Blitzo felt about his past relationships and his current one, it gave Moxxie a chance to be heard outside of his flaws (before the show decided they wanted to retread the same fucking plotpoint a couple more times), and it was pretty funny (comedy is subjective tho so feel free to ignore my feelings on comedy from here on out).

Ozzies is a good episode because, well, Asmodeus, but also it does more for Blitzo's character. It contrasts with Truth Seekers via two of the three halucinations calling him out on his shit, and it starts to build upon how he views his relationship with Stolas.

While I don't really like The Circus, what it did at the end for Stolas and overall how it setup the relationship for him and Blitzo was genuinly good imo. How it started with Blitzo initiating the one sidedness of their relationship and whatnot.

Notice how I'm talking almost exclusively about Blitzo as my reasons for enjoying these episodes more than others. And thats because Helluva Boss is at its best when it treats Blitzo as its main character. Even from the beginning he was the real star. Obviously you have characters like Stolas and Moxxie also getting focous, but even in those episodes, Blitzo still gets development, because Blitzo is the main driving force for the show. He's the Helluva Boss. He's the center, the emotional core. HB should be about HIM and HIS relationships to others.

Some of the worst episodes are the ones where Blitzo isn't really the main focous, I'm not saying that Blitzo automaticlly makes the show good or that he should be the only one get focus, but when you pull back and look at the series, almost every beloved episode have him (or him and Stolas) at its emotional center.

To keep this already long post from being absurdly long, I'll skip ahead to why I really didnt like the newest episode, Full Moon.

SPOILERS AHEAD

First things first, the Cherubs and Dhorks fucking suck ass as antagonists. They're annoying, they're not funny, and just like Crimson and Striker in Oops, they serve zero narritve purpose outside of being glorified cardboard cutouts for the main characters to fight. They are everything wrong with B-plots in media. Their only existence is to create artifical narritve throughlines that makes artifical suspence to keep the audience engaged like babies watching those baby sensory videos. "Oooo look its the Cherubs from the most nothing burger episode of Season 1. Oooo it's the Dhorks that are easily the most forgetable aspect of Truth Seekers. OOOhhh isnt it sooooo fucking hilarous how the Dhorks killed a bunch of children? Ohhh aren't you so invested to see these characters that mean absolutely nothing to the plot that Vivziepop is trying to sell the show with? DONT YOU JUST LOVE THESE KEY JINGLING ASS CHARACTERS YOU FUCKING BABY-"

I got a little carries away there, but my point is that Dhorks and the Cherubs are worthless slop that should be removed from the plot entirely.

Usually I wouldn't even care since 2/3 instances where useless villans show up to be useless, the main plot not involving them is really good (Refering to Oops and Truth Seekers).

But the main-plot in this episode is just as bad, if not WORSE than the B-plot.

Regarding my previous rant again, I was an avid defender of Stolitz up until maybe Western Energy, although in that case with the aftermath of Ozzies being handled mostly offscreen is more me being skeptical about Vivs pacing and writibg style. I didn't have a problem with the actual idea of Stolitz yet, just with the execution.

In actuality, my problem with the writing started in The Full Moon.

Even with me being an avid defender of Stolitz, even with me analyizng and disecting Blitzo's mentality and reasonings and emotional trauma, even with me trying to justify BOTH sides of this toxic relationship with no real abuser,

THIS does NOT come off as Blitzo begging to keep Stolas in his life because he cares about him and wants to be with him. I'm sure theres some of that in there and I still have faith that Viv try to put more of that into the execution going forward. But no matter how many times I watch this ending scene and the scenes before it, no matter how long I sit and think and think and think about this dynamic, this scene does NOT feel that way to me.

To me, this scene looks like a lower class citizen begging on his knees to the person whos essentaily employing them to let him keep his job to be able to feed his family and keep his colluges/close friends in work.

This feels like a man whos society is stacked against him trying to keep the one thing he has afloat.

I don't feel this way towards the entire scene. When Blitzo tries to avoid the whole conversation by trying to keep the transaction going, thats when I see more of the emotional side, but it still doesn't sit right with me how the dynamic is being represented.

Stolas explains it pretty well in the moments after. He says "This transactional thing we have, its not right anymore. It hasn't been. It never was. And now, all I can see is how wrong it is to be teathered to someone in such an unfair way. And not know how they feel."

To me, this finally feels like Stolas coming to his senses and realizing that he and Blitzo's relationship is unbalanced. He sees that Blitzo's reliance on him is unfair, so he works to end it.

My problems start to arise again when Stolas reacts to Blitzo trying to play it off again as Roleplay.

I can understand his side of the coin, how he feels that Blitzo only wanted him for sex and nothing more, or how he believes that Blitzo doesnt really care for his feelings and only stays for the book, and when giving Blitzo the option, he chooses to ignore it.

But I still cannot get over how icky this scene makes me feel. Blitzo has made it clear how he thinks Stolas feels about their relationship. In the Just Look My Way music video it seems that Stolas somewhat realizes that Blitzo is hurting in some capacity. When Blitzo vents his frustraitions, Stolas says "I didn't know you thought so lowly of me" which doesnt make any fucking sense in response to what Blitzo is saying.

Again, its that image of a person mistreated by society begging someone who is privlaged to let him keep his job. I cant stomach this idea that Stolas got his fucking feelings hurt over someone he indirectly played with for his own pleasure and to escape his marrige venting their frustraitions about how THEY feel about it. HE HIMSELF admitted that the relationship was unfair, so when Blitzo says "You treat me poorly and expect me to believe when you suddenly express your feelings for me? Can I get a minute to actually process what you said," its litteraly just parroting what Stolas was saying.

Stolas knows how Blitzo feels. He knows Blitzo is hurting. And yeah past relationship trauma isnt an excuse to be shitty, but it's not like Stolas made it very obvious that he did actually care about Blitzo's emotions.

Up until this point the relationship has been one sided on both sides. Both parties think the other doesnt care or that the other is just using them for something. Both sides caught feelings and didnt want to admit it, and Stolas was the bigger person for trying to initiate that discussion. But with the ending line Stolas says and all the promotional matreal being released for the upcoming seasons, the show feels like its going to make Blitzo out to be the one in the wrong when he isnt. Blitzo did the same fucking things Stolas did, so why does it feel like the next few episodes are just going to be "Blitzo sucks and we hate him." Like are you fucking serious??

Maybe I'm reading the whole thing wrong, who knows at this point.

[mitchipedia]

Please share tips for managing windows on an ultrawide computer display

I recently upgraded from a 27" 14-year-old Apple Cinema Display to a 34" Dell ultrawide.

Until now, I’ve always run a simple windowing setup: Most of the time, I’m using one app, and it’s maximized to fill the whole screen. When I want to switch apps, I Cmd-Tab between them (that’s equivalent to Alt-Tab on Windows). But that strategy is not going to work for me on a 34" display because the individual app becomes too big to take in. I think at first that if I’m working on just one application, I’ll have it centered, full height, 2/3 or 3/4 of the width of the screen. But what goes on either edge?

How do you manage your ultrawide lifestyle?

I use the computer for basic productivity, the web and social media. I’m not a gamer and I don’t generally watch videos or listen to music on my desktop.

I already use Raycast for window management, so I don’t need pointers to software such as Raycast, Moom, or Magnet. On the other hand, if there are particular applications you love for window management on ultrawide displays, please let me know.

By the way, I searched the Internet for tips on making the transition and found reddit.com/r/ultrawidemasterrace, where people share tips and photos of their ultrawide setups. 34" seems huge to me, but it barely qualifies for that sub. For example, check this out: a 49" display with another monitor mounted above it.

[legionofpotatoes]

All other criticisms of modern Star Wars aside, the thing that gets me the most is how every single story is being written to fit into some Avengers-level grand finale that just isn't laying a solid enough foundation to make it worth the wait. Regardless of whether the individual stories are good or bad, what makes them fall so short, imo, is that there's usually no real payoff within their own runtimes (unless you count cheap callbacks or loose promises of More, which you shouldn't)

Like, I already knew halfway through Ahsoka that we were in for a cliffhanger and it's just like...alright, guess we'll see how this ends in about 5 years? Even Mando, which had a great first season and was poised to stand on its own two feet and ride off on a rootin' tootin' bounty huntin' adventure, has ultimately become yet another dusty path on the road to the current Big Plot with an indeterminate due date. That's not deliciously addictive media, it's a dry-ass carrot on a spindly little stick, lol

Of course, this is a problem that many franchises are happily getting cozy with lately because everybody wants to have their own Infinity War / Endgame moment, but I guess it seems a bit more egregious with Star Wars because, ironically, it used to work best because it had less overall focus. Like, sure, we had concurrent movies, animated series, and games, but they were always happy to do their own things and tell their own stories with definitive conclusions. Now it all has to funnel into the Big New Plot and, man, I honestly just can't bring myself to care when it feels like an endless waiting game

I definitely need to get around to watching Visions at some point because, every time it pops up, it sounds like the lifeblood that Star Wars sorely needs atm

Yeah the setup-and-payoff a-to-b type dramatic clarity that seemed so entrenched into the very bones of cinematic grammar - up to around the emergence of streaming, wink wink nudge nudge - is sorely missed in star wars atm. sure maybe downsized writers rooms fidgeting with limited series formats instead of doing actual seasonal TV has something to do with it, but even that is probably such a small piece of the larger issue that spins all this longform storytelling bullshit ferry wheel around.

Another part is certainly chasing the MCU business model of it all like you said. Carrot on a stick is verbatim how I've often described these things myself, the endless promise of another promise of another promise instead of forming a complete thought with a beginning and an end. servicing the plot before story at all costs. another part still is reverence towards the aesthetic trappings of the source material instead of its themes, trying to nail the exact texture of tatooine's huts and dial in the perfect balance of lightsaber choreography and pay homage to a thousand iconic shots before articulating something true in the text.

And like it's an endless laundry list, this confluence of capital-I Issues both industry-scale and creatively-driven that seem to be flaying the skin off the bones of whatever star wars even "is" nowadays. no one can answer that in the context of billions of dollars made off toys and storylines centering around this one moment in fictional history about sons and fathers and empires and rebellions. so they just keep twisting in the wind filling in any gaps within that period. I don't know nonnie, it's all so bleak. ahsoka and obi wan and even mando tbh. as charming as season 1 was, it truly felt like it coasted on its incredible restraint to avoid muddying its aesthetic with cameos, and lucked into effective storytelling as a result of that utterly unintentional alchemy. that's obviously well and truly gone now as its true optics have reared head.

what star wars is by itself is such a pointless discussion, right? andor argues it's a perfectly functional heightened universe that can support incredibly nuanced and dramatically charged stories of grassroots rebellion and the bureaucratic strain of fascist regimes. visions argues it's a world beholden to the force, an endlessly mutable and elegant metaphor that can support infinite monomyths and fairy tales. both are equally fantastic at executing on their takes, despite being in diametrically opposite extremes of interpreting the source. so it's not really about that at all, why the other stuff sucks this bad.

they're just bad at the craft of it, that's really it. whether it's auteur worship or business decisions rotting that fish down, it still rots all the same. maybe the new writers' guild contracts can shift the winds a little, because I was so securely done with star wars and then the aforementioned 2 shows came and affected me. so, so profoundly that I'm back on the hook again. like a lil sucker!

[ivyf0x]

in my search for every available piece of media rebecca ferguson has ever been in, i found another short film from early on in her career! its called "flyga, inte dala" (2009) and from what i could gather (since i dont speak swedish and there are never subtitles on these things) it was a 16-minute monologue from a woman who's trapped herself in a small room with a bed and a ton of little possessions that shes attached herself to and can't leave. i really liked the way it was shot (3 panels in the center of a black screen), i could feel her mental state and emotion clearly even without understanding a single word she said

ALSO i found two different versions - the one i watched and took screenshots of was on vimeo, but there was another one on youtube that had much more vivid colors and a different setup for the panels

anyway here are a few of my favorite shots

[popculturebuffet]

Batmarch: The Secret Origin of Batman's Trophys (Comission for WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy people and welcome back to Batmarch, or celebrations of all things that go bump in the dark knight

Today we've got a special treat... and i'm not just talking the nice art Kev had comissioned! Looks really good and I really appcirated it. Thank you KEv and thank you Alan Patreon. It was a nice suprise gift.

As for what this is about, this was a fantastic idea Kev cooked up: the batcave is one of the coolest hero bases in all of fiction. The layout is never 100% consitant across media but your usually guaranteed a batmobile, a big ass computer at the center, water falls, and over time a display for various costumes from past sidekicks, alternate outfits etc.

What really spruces the place up are three distinct decorations that we almost always see in the comics and ocasionally in other media, if not live action since these bitches would be expensive to make: A giant dinosaur, a big ole penny, and a giant playing card of a joker. These three are staples of the bat cave, to the point when the original was caved in during the earthquakes that ravaged gotham in the build up to no man's land, Bruce made a point of fishing them out for the new cave he built after that traumatic year.

Yet most of us.... have no idea where he got these wonderful toys. Even I didn't. The Joker Card comes from an obvious grinning source, but what CASE did it come from? Where did he get that dinosaur? What was someone using that giant Penny for? It's a question i've asked once or twice but never looked into. Kevin did though, and while the through and lovely DC wiki helped him find each one, he went the extra mile, asking for a review. And I was entirely on board with this comission as I just.. never had those answers and I doubt i'm the only one whose wondered what the context for these things were. So today we're looking at three disntinct golden age batman stories, at a time when goofy nonsense reigned supreme, logic was optional, and weird shit like this was just another day in the batcave. IN other words, this is going to be a LOT of fun so join me under the cut as we look at gambling themed death traps, penny obessed gangsters and batman being hunted by the most dangerous game: mechanical dinosaurs.

The Giant Joker Playing Card:

(from Batman #44)

I love these old titles, such flair and cheese. It's incredible.

Anyways this one starts because Joker decides to hit an off the books casnio after his win. Luckily for them, he just wants to play which feels entirely like a joker move: instead of robbing an easy target that can't call the cops and that the mafia presumibly running it would be stupid to retaliate on, he decides "fuck it let's try this whole gambling thing men, sounds like a hoot and a half".

And sure enough.. it goes really well. He spends what's implied to be the whole night just winning and winning until he cleans house. This being the joker this gambling bug can only end one way

I just.. love everything about this. Joker just had fun at a casnio and turned it into a death trap. It's such a brilliant setup.. and one that while nicely goofy, is also well done: it fits the joker's unpredictablity to just go a gamblin and it fits him just as much to turn a new hobby into a death trap. I also love Lewis' reaction calling it SUPERGAMBLING., like he's some gambling expert and most dangerous game shit is a type of gambling.. which given we're in the dc universe, you probably DO need a name for this kind of thing in the crime world.

So he set shte perfect trap: he has a random balding middle aged man tell the two he has info on a recent raidum theft, raidum a hospital badly needs. To save the presumed orphans about to die without eating their radium, Batman and Robin go to a sketchy island with one house perched on a hill

The World's Greatest Detective.. sees NOTHING wrong with this and goes ahead and gets caught in the most devious trap imaginable.

Several head injuries later, our heroes wake and joker reveals the radium theives, who he captured for this scheme but have kept the radium's location to themselves. This is by deisgn: the joker wants the two and their "radium screts" as the ante here, along with Robin to make sure Batman does this. Batman repedately states "I don't gamble' as if logic suddenly works on the clown man who set up a gambling death trap, so Joker reveals if Batman won't play his three supergambling games, he'll just kill the hostages. Batman reluctantly agrees,

Game 1 is super pinball.

But when Batman proves to be an expert at the snes Joker goes with plan b.. his giant pinball table of death. Sorry his giant SUPER pinball table of death.

As you can see the same joker face from the card is here and you see it all over his lable. it seemed to be Joker's logo back the. I love this whole setup and mostly show it not only because it' sdope but because those pins must've been what bumpers were. I also had no idea PInball used to be a gambling thing. Makes sense, it's just fun to find out.

The game goes well mostly though one of the guys nearly slams into a pin. Thankfully Robin is an expert gymnist and batman smartly saved laucnhing robin till the last minute and Dick's able to save the goon.

Game two is super rolling some dice, which apparently used to land on numbers. This yugioh style death game involves our bait being tied to polls on three of the numbers. If Batman guesses wrong, someone dies. Or maybe not since the board is pretty damn big. Not every death trap can be super murder pinball. Batman spots some mud on the dice though and correctly guesses they'll pivot. This is the weakest of the death traps here, a bit convolunted, not really guranteed to be as deadly. I know the chance of nothing happening is part of it.. but with pinball there's really almost no chance you won't hit the bumpers. Here it feels like pure luck or simple cheating that both dice flew at the joker.

Next game and the one that introduces our prop, though the dice apparently are also in the cave sometimes which I love. The game is a game of cards.. batman has to correctly guess which face matches the door Robin and the hostage goons are in or they'll choke to death on the deadly gas released inside.. and naturally he figures out it's the Joker card. It's too joker not to work.

Turns out though, naturally the joker isn't playing fair both having a final one on one game ofr him and Batman and having his goon go to get robin behind the joker card door... and Robin dispatches him hilaroiusly and awesomely

With that the hostages are free and the final death game begins. A giant super roulette wheel with both batman and joker getting in a slot. looser gets crushed alive. It's an awesome finale, and it fits joker to put himself at risk: after all he risks his life all the time why wouldn't he for such a fun gag?

Batman's able to get the wheel to turn fairly and then escape it, leading to a chase. THe Radium Theives agree to give themselves and the radium up but there's still the matter of the joker and we get a short but neat final chase as Joker uses the dice against the heroes then jumps off a cliff, gambling his life one last time.. and rightfully batman isn't betting on the joker having died.

Gamble With Doom is an excellent story. While the trophy we get out of it is only in it briefly the story itself is pure fun. It has some fun dated elements like Bruce's opinon gambling is EVILLLL and the old fashioned designs on the traps, but it's pure fun. The traps are clever, the tension palpable and the climax great. The gambling motif's really fit the joker and it adds up to an all time great joker story with a suprise impact. The Trophy Itslef. is barely in it but Robin DID break a guy's face with it so i'll say it was still cave worthy.

(From World's Finest #30)

The Penny Plunderer is a name I had heard but had no real context for. I assumed he was some goofy silver age villian with pennies for eyes who drove around chucking pennies at everyone.

I am an artiste.

Instead it's just a guy in a suit. He has the backstory of any good golden or silver age villian to justify his gimmick

I love.. everything about this backstory. It reads like if a writer was given the thought exercise "Make the pettiest batman villian origin you can find.". I mean other villians gimmicks make sense: Poison Ivy was a botonist, Mr Freeze had a horrible accident, the penguin was born looking like a penguin with a lot of money, the Joker fell into a vat of chemicals and came out a clwon, the riddler liked puzzles.

Here Joe just... got screwed over by pennies a lot. Even funnier is that the last one has nothing to do with pennies. Like.. even if it'd had nickels he'd still be arrested.

So Joe vows since pennies runied his life, he'l lbecome the penny! Sadly this does not mean him dressing up like a giant penny with a cane and top hat.. nad now I can't show you it that last drawing put me too far behind and... oh fuck it.

Instead he just wears a suit but makes his gimmick pennies. Commit to the bit man. I do get it as some golden age villians were just guy in a suit, even Joker and Penguin technically counts but one is a clown and the other is a rich penguin man. They have mor ethan just "suit and a vendetta against pennies that somehowturns into stockholm syndrome.

So the penny plunderer begins his reign of terror, setting up a penny arcade as a front, and cashing in a roll of pennies in the most diabolical scheme ever devised by man.

A true criminal mastermind.

Batman picks up on this pattern because it's what he does and finds his next case, a coin and stamp exibiton with a rare one cent stamp. It's here we meet the reason we're here: the giant penny!

Yeah to my shock the penny had NOTHING to do with the penny plunderer other than being at the site of one of his robberies. He prefered just.. chucking pennies at people.. which is awesome and a truly great tactic only topped by Batman's use of said giant penny

I adore the fact that this iconic artifact is there not because it was seized from the villians or a police options.. but because, presumibly, Bruce thought this penny he found was kick ass and bought it off it's actual owner.

Most of the theives escape but they find one willing to squeal. Unfortunatley he dies for his hubris

Yup bet you weren't expecting the penny guy to kill someone and to see his corpse weren't you but here you are. Also batman is apparently a cop now. George Lopez tried to warn us...

But we didn't listen! We didn't listen!

A fight breaks out at the gambling parlour and we get two of the best moments in batman history that much like the blue beetle film, ar ehighly underated.

I just.. I get the sense that is how batman ALWAYS plays pinball. Just judo kicks it every time even as bruce wayne. Both bruce wayne and batman have been banned from so many arcades.. often the same ones. Perks of having a secret identity. We then get coyne once again THROWING pennies at someone and it working. I don't know why he hasn't been brought back with the telkeentic ability to contorl pennies. Give him a copper helmet and a proper costume and oh dammit..

Then Joe knocks batman out iwth his one weakness: a roll of pennies. He's trapped them in the parlor for your standard batman death trap, having removed their belts and ripped out the phone lines as usual. He then throws them a few pennies when then prove to be a mistake as it's time for SCIENCE WITH DR. BATMAN, who uses one old penny, copper, and one new penny, zinc to make a battery. Good thing jimmy didn't wish it away THIS week.

The cops arrive to free one of hteir own and batman finds a clue once the parlor is cleared of gas. Turns out Coyne was catering a penny slot party for a rich billinoare's houseboat, and naturally their filled with gas. I swear it's always gas with these golden age villians. Get another knockout device fellas.

With that our final chase enses as Batman and robin chase Coyne and while he nearly bests them with a good game of 1940's donkey kong

He's foiled by his own gimmick: he has only pennies but the pay telephone.. dosen't.. take 5 seperate pennies for some reason? the hell? I get payphones not taking pennies once they went up to a quarter but come the fuck on 1940's payed telephones. he's foiled.. and sentenced to death.

Yes folks that's the cannoical till some lucky fellow brings him back fate of the penny plunderer: PUT TO DEATH.

This story is as you can tell nonsense that's only gotten more hilarious with the passage of time and I loved every page on it and on getting the panels for this review, I only found MORE hilaroius nonsense to laugh at. We have a story where a guy with a penny gimmick smacks batman with a roll of pennies, trips robin with more, kills a man without pennies, is foiled by pennies yet somehow dosen't actually use the giant penny that's the only reason people know he exists. It's beautiful bollocks and worth your time.

(From Batman #35)

As I hope you are, this issue had me hooked from the first panel: Batman vs dinosaurs being forced to fashion a bow and arrow for some reason. Yes... fuck. Yes. Also nice of bruce to eat Ollie's lunch.

Okay so this story starts, as many real life stories do, with a billionare having a zany idea; Mr. Hart is a man who puts on shows: ice follies, aqua carnival, 40's razzle dazzle type stuff. For his latest idea though he's going above and beyond: a DINOSAUR ISLAND. With mechancail dinosaurs and cavemen who throw giant sponges at you. Thankfully spongebob wasn't born yet but his great great grandpappys quarepants did the honors. Honorable old fool.

To ramp up the insanity, Mr Hart is inviting a club of big game hunters to eat mammoth steak with batman.

If that weren't enough, and in any other golden age story it might be... our heroes get CHALLENGED at dinner by one of the rich assholes. Yeah turns out rich assholes who hunt innocent animals for sport and eat reheated mammoth aren't the most stable indviduals and Mr. Breech scoofs at the fact Mr. Hart says Man is the most dangerous game. He's hunted man, they went down like cowards. COWARDS. He feels Batman couldn't hut a dinosaur without his gadgets, and certainly not his bare hands... even though as this issue with prove and has already shown early man had tools.

To prove his point he challenges batman to a fucking challenge: survive on Dinosaur Island: no utility belt, no vehicles. If the dinosaurs touch him he looses. Mr Breech will man the controls. Honestly i'm convinced Breech knew hart well enough to know he'd both agree to this for the publiclity and why he'd invite batman and robin and just wants to play iwth giant mechanical dinosaurs and also batman. Which granted if I were invited to this sort of thing i'd also want to chase batman with mechanical dinosaurs for fun, who wouldn't, so I totally get it and respect the game.

Hart is on board, offering 5000 to the winner's charity and Batman is like "Why the bat-fuck not. Let's go".

Now you might suspect Breech's real motive is trying to kill batman. I mean you have a setup where batman will be without his weapons, the plausable deniablity of a machine malfunction and a secluded island with 24 hours to kill the batman. And you'd shockingly be wrong. Breech really just wants to prove dinosaurs are the most dangerous game so when that Jurassic Park he's working on opens no one will object to him hunting them for sport.

But his plans are foiled by Chase, anothe rich knob who wants to kill batman and robin to, as he says later form a "crime combine". So he wants a bunch of middle aged guys drinking beers to yell at him for not training the joker on tackling well enough. I see.. well played.

So the game is afoot and our heroes take a bit to catch up, first brushing off a real rock among the sponge rocks as a mistake. Theis ends when a Triceratops to trismash them into a tree. Batman calls for a war council on a nearbye island but naturally THAT'S NO ISLAND

Batman fought a mechanical fucking seamonster. That.. that's cannon. To almost every batman timeline. God bless you Golden Age, god, bless, youuuu. Also i'd be stupid if I didn't say that Tally Ho, Batman! is one of the greatest phrases in batman history up there with "I Am the night" , "I'm batman" and "Something something joker's boner".

So now the games for their lives, Batman and Robin don't have to play fair and start fashioning bows, arrows and knives out of mechanical dinosaur bones. You know.. sometimes this job can be draining: 2-3 reviews a week, many a plan having to be delayed due to a review taking longer than expected.. but then you get a review where Batman and robin have to outrun a manical billinoare who hyjacked dinosaurs from a diffrnet billionare who was having a charity dinosaur hunt with batman and robin using a third billionare's dinosaur, while fashoining weapons from mechanical dinosaur corpses and fashion a kite from a mechanical ptreadon and remember why you love reviewing stuff so mucH: sharinng a good story with the world and finding a good one or two yourself while your at it. And thanks to Kev i've found three truly wonderful, truly bonkers batman stories, with this one being the easy winner. It's both a decent enough concept for the time and hilariously insane.

And I ddin't make up the kite thing: when, after a night of survivial, Robin brings up the batplane, Batman has an idea: since the flying dinosaurs are on a programmed pattren rather than directly controled, they can use them to make themselves a kite yor style.

So to win the day Batman has a plan: he uses himself as bait since Robin's the more agile of the two, and has robin CATAPULT HIMSELF into the air after chase, who is riding on t-rex back with an army of dinosaurs.. and how does he defeat chase' smighty dino army?

It's both genuinely clever and wonderfully bonkers: Robin defeats an evil billionare RIDING a mechanical t-rex.. with water balloons.

Also props to this story: in the previous two the trophy was impressive.. but it was taken from what felt like a minor point in the story: the card flip game was fun as was batman slammin ga door on a guy, but it's sandwitched between far more elaborate death traps, while the penny, again awesome, wasn't even something the penny plunderer used. Batman just bought it off some offscreen character to relive fond memoreies of crushign some crimianls alive with it. Here the main villian ROAD IN on the thing. Granted he still had to likely buy it off his actual owner, but this time at least a criminal actually used it as a murder weapon. I can see Batman wanting this thing for his cave.

Batman chases chase over the now still dinosaurs and punches the guy out. With this Batman's saved the day AND won the bet. 5000 for batmobiles for kids, donate your batmobile today!

As for chase...

With that our story and this trilogy comes to an end.. and as I said, it's great. check out all three of these issues their a lot of fun. Next time dc puts some up for sale I may have to get some 40's batman, this stuff is golden.

Thanks for reading

To conclude batman month: Wait'll you get a load of this

[repurposedmeatlocker]

Ok, so I've been watching Beavis and Butt-Head lately (I was born in 2001 with a mom who hated it. Give me a break), and while watching it with friends last night there was a part that I can't stop thinking about.

Basically, while watching a music video, Butt-Head exclaims something like: "I wish I could watch this over and over and over again." My gut reaction was "don't they have a VCR?" but then it dawned on me: "No! Of course they wouldn't have a VCR. What am I thinking!" For context, when I was growing up in the early 2000's, one of the cheapest and most cost effective ways of owning video content was by buying VHS' second-hand. I had a huge collection of movies growing up which my parents bought through a local re-seller. Others I would borrow from the library. A majority of homes had them as a part of their setup, often in tandem with a DVD player. This was the default I was familiar with for years before VHS fell completely from relevance. Meanwhile, this show came out in the early 90s and centers on what are clearly two low-income boys. Of course a VCR wouldn't be something just naturally available. You had to just hope something good would pop up on TV or in a movie theatre. If you're lucky you'll catch something you like getting replayed. I find this "dated" little throwaway dialogue so interesting because of the specific image it paints of the decade it came out. The limited accessibility of information and media, and how a large portion of it centered around the home television set. How exciting and invigorating it was seeing anything playing on there, because there was no telling when you will get an opportunity to see it again. I don't know. Maybe that is a little dramatic (especially for any one reading this who actually lived through the 90s), but it resonated with me a bit. It got me thinking about not only how much has changed in media-consumption, but how expansive and fast accessibility is now. How the television has diminished in relevance as a medium, and how little people seem to care about what they are watching.

[ripplestitchskein]

Got my red string in hand and my wall of photos to possible suspects and Blitz right at the center. I was just thinking about Blitz’s line from Full Moon and his anger at royalty and where it comes from like several of us have been rolling around in our brains since he said it. I see three possibilities:

A Royal Ex:

Blitz has yet another famous ex, this one some form of royalty or Sin. A few of us have talked about the possibility he was really hurt by another famous royal. I am definitely on board with that to a point but I’m not yet 100% sold on it. And Andrelphus is really the only character we know right now that is a possibility in my eyes. We haven’t met Vassago so he is still in play as well.

It’s not Mammon, it’s not Ozzie, it’s not Bee, and it’s def not Stella. These are the higher up people we’ve met in HB so far with no indication in their scenes it goes deeper than that? For Ozzie, Mammon, Bee and Stella Blitz has met and interacted all of them and it was never hinted at or mentioned, no uncomfortable looks, no conversational cues or dialogue that reflects he knew them any deeper than what we see in their shared scenes. And no way he wouldn’t have rubbed it in more if it was Stella.

Vassago is a potential but Viv said he was a good boy (and oddly I believe her so I’ve been adjusting my theories accordingly, maybe I’m stupid for that lol) so holding onto that it could be that Vassago was a proto-Stolas, they dated and Blitz assumed the same things he’s doing with Stolas, but then my brain says “If this demon is the source of the hurt that drives Blitz’s actions with Stolas now, then why would they be an issue then?” If the hurt was created by Vassago then Blitz wouldn’t have the same baggage and hangups to ruin that relationship in the same way. So either Vassago was a dick who hurt Blitz bad enough he feels this way to this degree now, and is not in fact, a good boy, or it was another misunderstanding, which feels redundant and not potentially serious enough to warrant this level of reaction and trauma (not that trauma has a threshold of hurt you must meet but in media you have to be hyperbolic and dramatic to translate magnitude to the audience) so I lean away from him. There is some good potential there but I also think I would kinda hate it unless it was done super well.

Andrelphus is the most likely option for this possibility. He and Blitz have not met on screen, he is a known character with ties to Stolas. But like the other characters we know I feel like we’d have some hint of it beyond this line in Full Moon? Mostly because we’ve been setting up Andrelphus and Stella as a threat for awhile and establishing a second connection with them to Blitz without any prior setup after the breakup feels weird to me from a writing perspective. It just doesn’t quite fit with how this show handles dropping hints and foreshadowing. If it was Andrelphus I just feel like we’d have a few little background things tying him to Blitz, even something subtle like uses of ice motifs in backgrounds, or dialogue that hinted at a royal ex before Full Moon, especially one so closely tied to Stolas and so reflective of the issues in their relationship. It could be Blitz doesn’t realize Stolas and Andrelphus are connected but I just find that hard to believe at this point. It would be a tough sell for me writing wise and would feel more “Ha, what a twist”. It wouldn’t feel earned.

A Class Divide

Blitz was speaking in general on behalf of imps, it’s personal in the way marginalization is always personal. It’s not about one specific encounter with one specific person but a lifetime of encounters and micro aggressions. It’s less about a specific incident and more about the current class hierarchy especially given their conversation in Apology Tour was meant to echo Striker, to show that Striker’s feelings and his concerns aren’t wrong, his hurt came from a real place that all Imps experience, he is just expressing that hurt in violent ways. I dislike this neo-liberal framing that violence is not an answer to oppression, sometimes violence is the only recourse a marginalized group has, and I would especially hate that in a queer show. Unfortunately that is the prevalent position in media and political discourse, just look at reactions to protest movements. I don’t agree that Striker’s actions are necessarily justified, vigilantism is a rough and complex topic, but the show seems to frame his actions as decidedly negative. This is a hard one to explain fully in just a few words so I’ll leave it at this and delve into it more in a post about class dynamics. Basically, it could be Blitz isn’t talking about a specific personal hurt but furthering the idea that Striker and Blitz are on the same side with different approaches and outcomes.

Barbie Wire

This is my current favorite. What if the royals fucking with imps isn’t even a reference to himself but to Barbie? If Barbie was involved with royalty and was hurt by them, and Blitz’s interference and attempt at protection led to their current estrangement it would make sense for him to be this upset about it and take it out on Stolas. A royal ruined his sister’s life and as a result made her hate him. I think we established that Barbie and Blitz worked together for a time after the fire? I’m not 100% on that but I thought there was some hint to that in the background posters at some point? For some reason I have it in my head that they did not split immediately after the fire or as a direct result of it, their split came after.

But I can def see a scenario where Barbie gets involved with a powerful person, a person who encourages her substance abuse, who maybe was the source of it from an enabling point of view. It could be a patron of one of thier shows, taking advantage of the performer they paid for, luring her in with drugs and parties. Blitz, well meaning, tries to get her away from it, maybe he knows the true nature of this royal and confronts them, the royal drops Barbie leaving her an addicted mess and they lose their livelihood at the same time. And Barbie blames Blitz for the ruin of it, even if he had only the best of intentions. She might not know the whole story, or as is sometimes the case, really loved this person even though they did not have good intentions and she refuses to see that it was the best thing for her.

There’s enough baggage between them from the fire alone but this would add another really interesting layer. It would be a fresher way to emphasize hurt than adding to the cadre of Blitz Exes. If there is a shadowy evil royal this is my preferred scenario for it.

[alcedeerie]

Hello! Do you aspire to have a mad profession, but don’t know where to start since garden-variety biochemistry isn’t for you? Do you not have the expertise, are you simply bored with the premise, maybe looking to try something different?

Reasons aside, you’re in luck! Here are some alternative lesser-known mad professions for you to consider!

Actor

a classic

everyone loves the theater kid urge to throw an extravagant party which is actually a setup for an equally extravagant murder game!

and it’s all filmed to rewatch later

something about being doomed by the narrative except you are the narrative

General Artistry

so many options!!

costumes with colors that don’t exist

illustrations that slowly alter minds

cursed unknowable sculptures

animation creepypastas, but like, the real and better version this time!

websites that have no bottom, they scroll forever, and the more you scroll, the more things you Learn.

photographs from impossible perspectives

tattooists can even tattoo magic-infused designs into their skin for extra power and insight!

Programming

programming is already a hassle, why not draw power from it? it can’t possibly drive you crazier than the missing semicolons do!

Architecture

Everyone loves their non-Euclidean architecture, but no one ever stops to think who DESIGNED it. That special someone could be you!

CEO

Most CEOs are mad CEOs, so the term “mad CEO” is usually redundant. If you become the CEO at any company that doesn’t have a double or single-digit number of employees, congratulations, you are considered mad by definition.

Spies and Detectives

They’re shady, mysterious, and have strange quirks. Surprisingly, mad spies are threatened and mad detectives are severely endangered as these professions are becoming more heroic in nature. The world needs more cutthroat spies and dishonest corrupt detectives.

Note: I do not recommend the similar Police Officer as a mad profession, simply because it’s boring and has no agency. Cops take orders and wear uniforms, the detective does things their own way and gets to have their own style all the time, all on their own.

Streamer/Youtuber/Social Media Influencer

Have you ever wanted to start a cult AND be caught up with the trends? Well now you can! It’s not like it’s that uncommon today anyways!

Writer (Fanfic)

Devote yourself to a god of someone else’s making and rip yourself apart! You can do it in cosplay! You can do it however you feel like it! Stories become legends become myths become gods, and at the center of it is you!

Mathematician

The numbers transcend mortal experience. When the universe dies, the numbers say how it will happen, and after it happens, the numbers remain; unmoving, unchanging, uncaring.

Linguist

Have you ever seen people locked in an unfurnished room for years with monolingual speakers of entirely different languages to study the unique pidgin language they create as they learn to communicate? Well, now you will!

Chiropractor

It’s not like these people are even doctors. You don’t need a general medical degree to practice it and the guy who invented it said he learned it from a ghost. Why not go into it with the intention of breaking as many bones as possible?

Taxidermist

nonsensical stuffed dead animal monsters.

yeah that’s it, but it’s worth it.