#Meredith Gray imagines

[shelbgrey]

This is Why I Don't Go To The Gym(Derek Shepherd)

Request: @virtualreader like a Derek x fem!reader imagine where she fell and hit her head while being at the gym. She's taken to Seattle Grace against her wishes accompanied by her friend. At first she refuses to let her friend go to the waiting room and let the doctors check her up, but Derek, who had just been paged, is able to calm her nerves and examine her. When the CT results come back she is terrified of the idea of getting a brain surgery to stop the bleeding she has. Finally she can relax knowing dr Shepherd is the one to operate on her, and that he is by her side when she's put to sleep and when she wakes up.

Paring: Derek Shepherd x reader

A/n: no warnings. I'm so happy! This is my first request on this platform. I hope your request was fulfilled.

Greys MasterList.

(1st pov)

I honestly don't know how I got talked into this. I wasn't an ethical person nor have I ever step foot in a gym but I couldn't let let my best friend down.

I expected my morning to concest of studding for medical school and watching movies. Those plans got shattered when my best friend pleaded with me to go with her to a gym that was a couple of blocks away from our apartment.

I wasn't athletic like I said before but my friend wasn't exactly social enough to go alone. She was the sweetest person I knew but she hated being around strangers by herself. I agreed thinking it'll be an experience for the both of us.

Quickly changed into some what questionable attire which had my best friend cackling. It wasn't bad at all, just some boy shorts that passed my knee a bit and an old Gryffindor shirt that had the sleeves cut off.

“well we can tell you never been to a gym before” F/n laughed. I rolled my eyes. “I can stay home”

She covered her laughs behind her hand and stopped me with the other. “no, it's not bad at all, I'm sorry” I playful rolled my eyes as walked to my car.

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When we got there it was already pretty crowded and loud. Sweaty People yelling over loud music and the loud sounds of weights and other equipment clinking together.

“this sucks” I mumbled low enough so f/n didn't hear me. She pulled me along where there's wasn't that much people but there was plenty of dumbells.

“think about it this way” F/n started. “we're traing to be Avengers” she was joking. We we're both nurds but she was on another level at time. I couldn't help but laugh as picked up weight that was about 15 pounds.

As I humored F/n and continued to trying out different equipment around the crowded building I started to get bored. I sighed and leaned down to set the weight down on the floor as f/n moved to set a barbell up to squats or deadlifts with.

With all the shouting and loud music and miss juged everything and hit my head on one of the weights F/n put on her bar.

The 'dung' sound made F/n flinch and she saw me fall back on my but. “N/n, you alright?” she quickly asked and fell to her knees next me.

I winced and rubbed my head. “yeah I'll be fine” I sighed and slowly stood up with F/n help.

She gave me a concerned look. “are you sure your okay? We can go home now?” I sighed and sat down on one of the benches near us.

“I'm fine, I'm just gonna set here while you do that barbell thingy” I said. N/n looked behind her at the equipment then back at me.

“dude” she said giving me concerned look. “dude” I mocked. “I'm sure I've hit my head harder on the play ground when we were kids.”

She sighed. “yeah but you weren't working your body like this” I rolled my yeas and after five minutes I convenced her to continue. “okay fine, but drink some water at least” she said handing me my metal water bottle.

I chugged it down as she lifted the thing that I hit my head on. I had to admit my head hurt. But not to terribly and it felt like a normal headache. I sighed and stood up as I felt like a fool just sitting there.

“I'm gonna go to the treadmill” I said to F/n. She tried to stop me but I was already gone. I started out slow on the divice and quickly speed up. As I ran in place my vision started to get blurry and felt dizzy. I turned the thing off and placed my hand on my sweaty forehead as walked to F/n.

“I'm gonna pass out” I said grabbing her shoulder. She tried to steady me as I my feet gave out. “yup, definitely passing out” and it went black.

🔺🔹🔻🔹🔺🔹🔻🔹🔺

I woke up to the sound of a speeding car. I slowly opened up my eyes as my head pounded. I sat up from the back seat of my car and saw F/n driving. She looked in her mirror and saw I was awake. “thank God your awake. I'm taking you to the doctor”

My eyes widened. She knew I hated hospitals. It's kinda ironic really, I want to be a doctor like my big brother but yet I hate hospitals. That's besides the point. “no! I'm fine I just need a nap! I swear I'm fine”

“N/n, you passed out I'm taking you to the doctor” I sighed and layed back down in the seat.

Due to my best friend driving like a mad man we made it the hospital sooner to my liking. F/n got out of the car and went to my door. Before she could open it I locked the door. She knocked on the window with a agrvated look in her face. The knocking made my head pound even more.

“I'm not going” I said.

“your being a child” f/n quickly replies. “I've cheated death before” F/n signed and gently taped on the window. “I just need to know your okay, okay?” I sighed and opened my door. F/n softly smiled as she helped me out of the car. I felt super unbalanced and as soon as took a step I almost fell on the pavement.

“I'm fine” I quickly said and walked on my own into the ER with her.

As we walked in f/n pulled me to the front desk where male and female red head were.

“hey, my friend hit her head and she passed out” f/n explains.

I rolled my eyes as I looked around feeling uncomfortable. I hated everything about hospitals. The smells, the beeping noises, and right now the lights were on the top of the list. “she's being dramatic” I said squinting my eyes so the lights weren't so bright.

I tried to walk away but as soon as took my first step my head started to spin again and I about fell to the ground again. The male red head quickly cought me and carried me to one of the examing tables.

“I swar I'm fine” I said swating his hands away. The red head turned his back on me and spoke to the other female doctor. “page Shepherd and Grey” she nodded and left.

“I'm Dr. Hunt by the way” he said to me and F/n. “charmed” I grumed and looked at F/n lazily. “she can stay right?”

“I'm not leaving Buddy” F/n smiled and took my hand as a female doctor in light blue scrubs came in. She tried to come near me with a flashing light but I scooted away. “can't you just give me some pain killers or something?” the girl sighed and looked at my chart.

“your at risk for concussions and brain bleeds at the moment” she explained. I sighed as my stomach turned. I looked at F/n with fear in my eyes. “f/n don't let them touch me, you know I hate surgeries”

Covered my face with my hands while I heard foot steps. Seconds later I heard a male voice. It was surprisingly soothing. F/n nudged me and slightly peaked through my fingers to see a very handsome blue eyed doctor.

“dude he's hot” I hear F/n whisper. I whined and kept my face covered.

“hi, y/n right?” I heard the doctor say softly. “I'm Dr. Shepherd, I just want to make sure your head is okay, can I?” I sighed and removed my hands. I felt my cheeks heat up as I saw Dr. Shepherd. He was handsome actually he was dreamy.

He took a flashlight out. “I'm just gonna check your eyes alright?” I nodded as he looked into my e/c eyes. His eyes were so beautiful and so blue. “can you tell me what happened?”

“it's stupid... and feel like a total baby right now” I grumbled. He smiled and slightly laughed. “no judgment, what happened?”

I rolled my eyes. “I went to the gym and hit my head on one of those stupid barbells and I continued to workout even though my head was hurting”

“she passed out too” f/n added.

He smiled at me. “it's alright.. It happens” I don't know what was about this guy but he seemed so worm and comforting. I did seem so nervous anymore. I felt like I could trust him, which is kinda stupid to think about a guy you just met.

Dr. Shepherd quickly scribbled on my chart and tuned to who I'm guessing was an intern. “Dr. Grey ordered a head CT” my eyes widen at Dr. Shepherd.

“umm... No thanks doc” Dr. Shepherd turned back to me and gave me a reassureing smile. “it's really not that bad really, it'll be over before you know it”

“promise?” I asked him. He immediately nodded. “promise, see ya in a bit” he walked away and Dr. Grey started to wheel me to get my head scanned.

“wait up” f/n said and started to walk with me. “damn, these doctors are hot” f/n said looking all around. Dr. Grey chuckled as covered my face in embarrassment. “and that Dr. Shepherd, you should ask for his number”

“f/n!” I groaned. “and the where's that red head doctor? Is he single?” she asked Dr. Grey laughed but shook her head no.

After a while Dr Grey stopped f/n. “I'm sorry but this is far as you can go” f/n quickly hugged me. “good luck”

Dr. Grey helped me on another bed so I could put me in a big tube. I started to shake getting closterpobic. I've had one before but that didn't make it any easier. I started to move and Humm the Harry Potter theme.

“miss. L/n you can't move” I hear Dr. Grey Say in the entercom. I quickly apologized and tried to stay still but failed.

“hey, everything okay in here?” Dr. Shepherds voice said. I sighed feeling embarrassed. “sorry, I'll try and stop moving”

“it's alright, I'm right here if you need me” he said taking my hand as I slow went in. He let go of my hand so the machine could do its job. After it was over the bed moved out of the tude and Dr. Shepherd helped me out.

“alrigth let's see what's going on with your head” he said flashing me a smile.

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“a brain bleed?!” F/n gasped. Dr. Shepherd sighed and shook his head. “I'm afraid so, but the good news is we cought it just in time and we can operate today”

“operate? As in surgery?” I said nervously. Dr. Shepherd smiled at me as f/n took my hand.

“it's a simple perseger and little recovery time” he said in a sympathetic voice. I looked down and slight nodded. “I promise you'll be back to normal in no time” Shepherd smiled. I slightly smiled back and nodded.

I was put into surgery quicker than I expected. I was laying in the OR shaking. I quickly took a deep breath as Shepherd spoke. “it's a beautiful day to save lives... Let's have some fun” I looked up at him.

“is that a catch phrase or something?” I asked as some one put tubes in my nose to relax and put me to sleep. “yeah kinda”

“me and my brother used to have one of those. Every time something ended good we'd say 'we sought, we came, and we kicked its ass'”

“like Ghostbusters” he said as his voice started to fade in and out as I felt more relaxed. “please don't kill me”

“why would I kill a beautiful woman like yourself?” after that I was out cold.

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My head hurt but not as much as I did before surgery. My vision was slightly blurry as I tried to gain consciousness again. “hey, welcome back” shepherd said softly as he checked my vitals and my eyes.

“hey, Shep” I said not realizing how demonic my voice sound at the moment. I cleared my throat and tried to speak again. “here” Shepherd said handing me and cup of water with a straw.

“thanks” I slightly smiled. “where's F/n?” he gave me a dispointed look. “they kicked her out after visiting hours ended... I told her I'd stay with you till she could come back”

Gave him a lop sided grein. "you don't have to do that. Don't you have a girlfriend you'd rather be with right now?” he chuckled and scribbled on my chart.

“oh, I don't have a girlfriend” my eyes widened surprised. “why don't I belive that?” he shrugged.

“gods honest truth” he said setting at the foot of my bed. “so you got it right? I'm not gonna die?” I asked. He chucked and nodded.

“your not gonna die” I smiled and closed my eyes. I let out a sigh of relief. “thanks Doc”

“you really don't like hospitals do you?” he asked. I sighed and fiddled with the blanket in my lap. “I was in and out of hospitals all through out my childhood” he gave me a sympathetic look.

“I'm sorry” he gave me puppy eyes. I chuckled. “dude, nothing to be sorry about” he slightly laughed and looked down at the name. I don't know why I felt so confident at he moment but I've learned life is too short.

“this might be the drugs talking, but when this gets all better...” I said pointing at my wrapped up head. “you want to get some coffee or something... Or is that unprofessional and weird?”

He gave me a big smile. “I'd like that a lot” he leaned up and gave me a kiss on the forehead. “gets some sleep okay? I'll be here when you wake up”

I nodded closing my eyes. I would say 'this is why I don't go to the gym' but now I'm kinda glade I did.

[hyunubear]

MTV Cribs >>>> Open Door Youtube

[whump-tr0pes]

Honor Bound 6 - 26

This is a series. Start here, continued from here.

This is a sequel to Honor Bound, Honor Bound 2, Honor Bound 3, Honor Bound 4, Honor Bound 5, and the prequel Vera.

AO3

Masterlist

Contents: PTSD, past captivity, references to being unsure of reality, thoughts of murder, self-harm themes, bad reaction to discovering self-harm, harm reduction, recovery

~

Isaac felt better already, knowing there was a locked door between him and the rest of the world. He had locked it behind Vera and Tori as they came in with tonight’s dinner: a hearty shepherd’s pie with rich bites of tender chicken, carrots, and potatoes all in a mouthwatering gravy. Once he had locked the front door, he had walked to the back door and made sure – for the second or third time since he’d gotten home – that it was still locked. It was, but it didn’t hurt to be so sure.

Edrissa had gotten into the house through the unlocked back door and then held a knife to Gavin’s throat. Isaac would have to be stupid to not check, and recheck, and check again.

Isaac sat on one side of Gavin on the couch, and Gray sat on the other. Vera, Sam, and Tori sat sandwiched on the other couch. Now that everyone was finished with dinner, Gavin leaned against Isaac’s side, and Isaac’s arm was slung over his shoulders. Gavin wasn’t shivering for the first time since they’d left the house that morning. Isaac was sated on two large slices of shepherd’s pie.

And yet, he ached to be holding his gun. The concerned glances Vera was throwing him weren’t helping.

“Thank you so much for bringing dinner,” Gray said, finally breaking the silence. “Did you make the pie, or buy it in town?”

“Bought it,” Vera said with a chuckle. “I appreciate your faith in us, but after everything… um. Recently.” She gave a stiff shrug. “Neither of us have felt like cooking.” She smiled tiredly at Tori over Sam’s head.

Gray let out a huff. “Same here,” they said gently. “But we’ve all been… through a lot. I don’t think anyone’s expecting anyone else to be out there crafting gourmet meals.”

“Except Edrissa,” Vera said tightly. “Apparently she’s been, uh… helping Meredith out. With the pies at the general store. Spending most of her time there, actually.”

“Really,” Gray said. Their tone was perfectly even.

Isaac’s hand tightened into a fist as the image of her flashed through his mind – cowering behind Gavin in that bathroom, eyes wild and streaming, clutching herself, looking terrified, as if she was the fucking victim and not the one pressing a knife to a man’s throat hard enough to draw blood just seconds before.

To Gavin’s throat.

His jaw ached and he swallowed hard. He forced himself to release his fist and brushed his lips to Gavin’s temple instead. He felt Vera’s eyes on him the whole time. He cleared his throat.

Sam wet their lips and leaned forward, seeming to sense the tension. “We’ve been keeping things as calm as possible here,” they said with a glance at Isaac. “Mostly just… sleeping.” They laughed. “All of us. Mostly Gray.”

“I don’t appreciate the accusation,” Gray said good-naturedly. “Although, god, I’ve never slept so much in my life.”

“What about you, Gavin?” Tori said softly. She reached over the back of the couch and rested a hand on Vera’s shoulder. “How are you sleeping?”

Gavin relaxed further against Isaac’s side and drew in a deep breath, thinking. “Well,” he murmured. “Better than in… than with Schiester. That’s definitely for sure. But…” Isaac bit his lip and waited for the second shoe to drop. “…it’s… sometimes hard to tell where I am. When I wake up.”

Isaac’s heart twisted. He knew all too well the things Gavin said, and fucking believed, when he wasn’t sure if he was staring at Isaac himself or merely a figment of his own imagination.

“D-don’t you want to… to punish me? …you want to, right? It’s… Isaac, it’s… it’s okay. It’s not… real, I know that. You can do… whatever you want. I can give that to you… if you want. I know it doesn’t really help you… But it’s what I have. P-please don’t stop touching me. Please… Isaac… please, this… this feels better than… a-anything he does to me.”

Shame clogged Isaac’s throat. His fingers itched for his knife. Fuck.

“Yeah,” Vera was saying. “Yeah, that’s… that’s the hardest part, I think. After. The waking up and not knowing, for a while.”

Isaac’s head snapped up. Vera held Gavin’s gaze, and he stared at her with an understanding that Isaac had never shared. Even though everyone except for Gray had been held captive, tortured, collared – what Gavin and Vera shared now was different. They had both been taken, punished by a sadist, had their minds broken down by pain and time – and drugs, in Gavin’s case. They had been kept in a basement, shackled for use because it brought a madman pleasure.

And they had both been alone.

Isaac’s hand shook as he slid it into Gavin’s and squeezed.

“Does that ever go away?” Gavin murmured, as if he had forgotten anyone else was there. Tears shone in his eyes.

“Yes,” Vera answered immediately. Then, she said, “Mostly. Months or years go by, and then you’ll have a shitty day or a bad nightmare and you’ll wake up not knowing where you are again. But the thing that matters is, it passes. And you’re always, always out once it passes.”

“Unless I get taken again,” Gavin whispered as the tears spilled over. “Like you did. Twice.” He shuddered and muffled a sob against Isaac’s shoulder.

Isaac’s arms wound around him in a trembling embrace, pulling Gavin into his lap. Vera stared at the floor, chewing on her lip.

She was taken again three times, if you count the time she went in to save Tori and killed Joseph Stormbeck to escape.

Isaac bit his tongue and shook his head to clear the thought.

“Alright, scootch over,” Tori mumbled as she crossed the living room to drop into the spot where Gavin had been sitting, gently laying a hand on Gavin where he now sat shivering on Isaac’s lap. She pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and draped it across Gavin’s shoulders. “There, better?”

Gavin nodded with his face pressed to Isaac’s neck. His tears streamed into the neckline of Isaac’s shirt. He wrapped Gavin up again, carefully tucking him in, and glanced at Tori inquisitively.

Tori nodded at Vera. “She’s a lot more sensitive to cold when she’s in the thick of it,” she said gently. “And he’s got goosebumps.”

“No shit?” Vera said. “Is that why you always get a blanket when I’m having a bad day?”

The corner of Tori’s mouth curved up. “Yes, dear, that’s why I always get a blanket when you’re having a bad day.”

Vera raised her eyebrows. “No shit,” she mumbled.

“Schiester k-kept the basement cold,” Gavin muttered into Isaac’s neck. “If I wanted blankets I had to… t-tell him things.”

All the blood drained from Isaac’s face. “What… kinds of things?” he croaked.

“Confessions,” Gavin whimpered. “I… I don’t think most of them were true. I don’t remember. I didn’t care. I was cold. Ziegler told me most of the things I admitted to weren’t true.”

“Who the fuck is Ziegler and are we killing them?” Vera said, sitting up straight and staring at Isaac. “Someone who knew you were down there?”

“Y-yes,” Gavin managed through a particularly violent shudder. “He… he didn’t… hurt me as much. And he… let me go.”

Vera’s eyes went wide. “Like—”

“Not like Ryan,” Isaac said sternly. Tears glittered on Vera’s eyelashes. “Just a guard who decided not to kill me when I was pulling Gavin out.”

“He didn’t hurt me,” Gavin said in a small voice. “He… he could have but he… didn’t.”

“But—”

“Fair enough, Gavin,” Vera interrupted. She shot Isaac a glare. “I get it. That can be enough to keep you sane. Just one person who doesn’t want to hurt you as much as the others.”

Gavin nodded weakly against Isaac’s neck. Isaac tried to meet Vera’s glare, but she shot daggers at him and he faltered. Tori’s hand moved in small, gentle circles on Gavin’s back.

“No one’s taking you again,” Isaac whispered against Gavin’s hair. His arms shook with how hard he squeezed Gavin. “No one. You’re safe, alright? You’re… you’re safe.”

As soon as Edrissa is dealt with—

I wonder if I could get to her before anyone realizes what I’ve done—

“You’re okay, Gavin,” Tori said gently, her hair mingling with his as she leaned in close. “We’ve got you.”

“Y-yeah,” Gavin heaved, and shuddered violently. His hand wrapped around Isaac’s wrist. “Yeah. I’m out.”

Edrissa’s the one who last made him question where he was. I’m going to fucking—

“What the fuck is that?” Vera snapped from her place on the couch.

Isaac’s head shot up and he glanced around the room, ready to neutralize the threat. He met Vera’s eyes and realized she was looking at him – no, not at him.

At his arm.

The sleeve was pulled up slightly on his forearm, exposing a scar left by Gavin’s knife – and the cut he himself had made over it, not five days ago. The angry line flared red in the dim light, and it was devastatingly obvious what it was.

Isaac dragged the sleeve down over the cut, obscuring his entire hand. “Nothing,” he growled.

“Isaac, fuck,” Vera breathed. She rose from the couch and stood over Isaac, staring down at him, looking stricken. “That…” Her hand shot out and she grabbed his wrist, pulling the sleeve up to reveal the line of cuts up and down Isaac’s arm.

Isaac yanked his arm out of Vera’s grasp, cringing back into the couch. Gavin slid off his lap and partially onto Tori. Isaac couldn’t even look at Tori; he could barely bring himself to look at Vera, who stared down at him in horror.

“It’s nothing,” Isaac pleaded with a broken voice.

“Vera, let’s respect Isaac’s desire for privacy,” Gray said, a little weakly.

Isaac could feel Gavin’s gaze drilling holes into the side of his head. He blinked back tears and swallowed hard against the shame strangling him. Slowly, he opened his mouth to speak.

Vera beat him to it. “I… told you not to punish yourself,” she said. She held her hands lamely out to her sides. “You said you wouldn’t—”

“No, I didn’t,” Isaac said through his teeth. “I never said that.”

Vera shook her head. “But—”

“I wouldn’t have said that,” Isaac said. His voice was fading, cracking under the pressure of Vera’s gaze. Having Gavin so close to him, feeling all eyes in the room on him, on his arms, safely hidden again under his long sleeves, was too much to bear. He swallowed again, hoping his dinner would stay down. “I never lied to you.”

“I n-never said you did,” Vera croaked. Her hands were in fists at her sides now. “I… how long?”

Isaac shook his head. He glanced at Sam, who stared right back at him. A quiet sort of pain pinched their mouth. “I… would really rather not have this conversation,” he said thickly.

“Yeah, I bet you wouldn’t,” Vera breathed. She sniffed and lifted her chin against the tears that glittered in her eyes. “Isaac… why didn’t you tell me?”

“What, and have you react like this?” He meant to snarl the words, but they came out weak and pathetic sounding.

She nodded slowly. “You’re right,” she murmured. “That’s… that’s fair. I’m sorry, I… This isn’t… how I should be reacting.”

“Let’s everyone take a breath,” Gray said softly. “Vera, do you want to sit down?”

Vera returned to her couch on stiff legs and fell to her seat beside Sam. Isaac could breathe a little easier, without her standing over him. Gavin crawled back onto his lap and wrapped his arms around Isaac’s neck.

“Sorry,” Vera said flatly. She drew in a deep inhale and let it out in a gusty breath. “Sorry. That’s… probably the last fucking thing you needed.”

“Yeah,” Isaac said. He shrank as Gavin laid his head on his shoulder.

“Isaac, can I touch you?” Tori said. Isaac jumped, but relaxed a little when he met her eyes. Her gaze was soft, sad, but not filled with horror. Not like Vera’s. He nodded, and she laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“I’m really sorry,” Vera whispered. “That was… I wish I could take that back.” She wiped her eyes and sat up, taking another deep breath. “That was shitty of me.”

“No,” Isaac grumbled. His arms stung as if all the cuts were brand new. He longed to scratch at the ones that itched, but he couldn’t bear to draw any more attention to them. He swallowed tightly. “I should never have…” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

“No.” Vera held up a shaking hand. “Don’t… don’t do that.” She raked her fingers through her hair and stared at the floor. “Um…”

Isaac couldn’t bring himself to say any of the things that were echoing through his head:

I know this hurts you. I know I did it because I’m weak. I know I would never have had to do it if I had just kept my family safe in the first place. I know…

He knew right where his knife was, too. Gray had taken the one he usually used, but he had another in his pack. All he would have to do is—

“Boy I wish someone else would say something,” Vera said with a broken laugh.

Gray leaned forward with a warm glance toward Isaac. “Did you hear Sam is going to be staying with us?” they said, without missing a beat. Isaac could have cried with gratitude at no longer being the subject of discussion.

Tori beamed and glanced at Sam. “I didn’t hear that! That’s so great.” Her voice was tighter than Gray’s, but it was still light. Isaac felt a wash of gratitude for her, too.

“Yeah,” Sam said. They sounded so tired. But happy, too. “Yeah, I talked to Zachariah about it and… I’m going to be staying here for a while.” They grinned at Isaac. “The foreseeable future.”

“That’s awesome,” Vera said, with only a little flatness to her voice.

“We’re definitely happy about it,” Gray said with a smile.

“It’ll be really nice to… to have you here, Sam,” Isaac croaked. He rearranged his face into what was probably a smile and willed the darkness in his chest to dissipate. “It’ll be nice to be together.” His arms tightened around Gavin as he said it.

Sam nodded, their expression brightening further. “We were worried about where I was going to sleep, but…” They patted the couch cushion next to them. “Turns out this couch is extremely comfortable. After how long we spent on the road, just about anything feels good.”

“You slept on my floor on an air mattress for months,” Tori said with a laugh. “Anything is better than that.”

“Even sleeping on the ground during winter?” Sam said with a mischievous smile. All at once, the exhaustion around their eyes faded away, and they looked like themself again. They looked like the Sam Isaac had always known.

“Depends on the winter,” Tori said. “In the south it wasn’t bad.”

“I’ll take the air mattress,” Vera interjected, raising her hand. “If I get a say.”

“Yeah, because it was on my floor,” Tori shot back with a conspiratory grin.

Everyone laughed at that, even Isaac. He felt the cold fist around his heart loosen a bit, then fall away entirely. As he looked around at the people he loved, feeling Gavin’s warm weight in his lap and Gray’s shoulder brushing his, he could breathe a little easier. He could survive another few minutes without his knife.

Perhaps he could go without it entirely, tonight. It would still be there in the morning if he needed it, and he figured he would. But… maybe then he could just hold some ice instead, if he didn’t need it too badly. What he knew for sure, though, was that he didn’t need the knife tonight.

With his family around him, alive, safe… he could go without the knife for a little longer.

Continued here

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[iaus]

fucking. you stole capital letters from me. i feel wrung out in the best way possible to the point that capitalization of any kind would be wrong right now. fuck. god. amazing stunning job.

anyways ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ literally anything about epilogue or anything you want. i feel insane.

eheh glad to see the ending is hitting as intended. and oh i do have something i would like to talk about because chapter 15 jace is my ultimate beloved. wretched little man.

we're gonna look at the second scene from the last chapter because i think it gives us a glimpse of honest jace. and how he's changed.

so our second scene has jace just being like really pissed. he talks about how he's a resentful of his human mother (because he can't get to sleep), he has like an actual angry reaction when he sees the marriage certificate, and nearly falls down the stairs and is able to reflexively cast a spell! which considering his fixation on his magic, you'd think he would be focusing on that. like hey you are not a heaving sweaty mess from casting your own magic? isn't that great?

no.

he has a thought about porter because of course he does (and i mean, he's looking at the sex couch so, yea). but:

But the thought he has cuts through, sharp: What if Porter doesn’t want to return? What if Porter chooses death over Jace?

i'm gonna definitely give a shoutout to @zukkacore for this line because seeing posts of "jace chose porter over death" have like. changed me on a fundamental level. i've internalized that.

but this comes back to jace actually looking at something he's insecure at! yay! he's reflecting! wait...

A cold seeping pit of dread begins to form in the pit of his chest. His pulse rabbits into something close to panic. What if by some strange stroke of luck, His soul is unwilling? Where does that leave Jace? Or, worse: What if Porter comes back ungrateful?

and then we get to this being like... okay maybe he's going to have another grief spiral... as he's been doing... we have all the tell-tale signs: he's cold, he's panicking, he doubting if porter would choose him. (i don't think i'm ready to have the conversation of jace having meredith gray coding in my head yet. we're not ready)

but... jace has a very notable reaction. he's been so grief stricken this entire fic but... here:

The reaction is immediate—he is moving, bumping into the wall in his haste to get to the papers on the breakfast table—almost as immediate as the rushing, icy swell of disdain—spite.

he gets mad. he chooses ACTION. he storms into the kitchen and has... almost a porter-ish reaction in some ways. but it's also very distinct. but, porter is still here to him, no matter where he goes and he even imagines porter mocking him:

A damning tide of disgust. He can see it clearly—the way Porter would wrap a hand around his throat, eyes hard and distant, What took you so long, pet? You were supposed to be better than this.

the worst thing to jace isn't porter not coming back. this is a truth that shows a little peek into jace's mind: he would rather porter stay dead than porter be ungrateful. and then we cut into a scene where he thinks about him and porter in the kitchen and unlike these past chapters he actually... includes a really bad, telling memory in my opinion:

Jace’s hand trembles as he draws the marriage certificate from the folder. The rest of the documents spill out along the table—the table Porter served him breakfast at, where they had had a screaming match that caused one of Porter’s neighbors to call the landline and ask, nervously, if everything was okay. Where Porter had kissed his neck, hid his face from Jace as he said so sweetly, Come back to me, sweetheart, we’re meant to do this together.

we now know they have fought so bad, so loud that neighbors have called asking if everything is okay. this also could presumably be where porter convinced jace to go to the mountains of chaos with him. for their.... wedding. so we get a little glimpse into the not so happy marital bliss (but even then it's still softened. there's still a bit of a longing ache to it.)

and now. this is one of my favorite parts i will admit:

If he comes back ungrateful, he thinks, the ghost of Porter’s lips warm at his pulse, I’ll kill him. He pictures the blood; the way Porter would struggle—still weak from the sickness of returning to the mortal plane. The intimacy.

this is jace changed. to me this is very porter-like behavior. jace is taking pages from porter's book the day he is meant to resurrect him. he is thinking of how he is going to kill porter himself if he is not grateful and fawning.

and.... we learn what will happen if he does kill porter:

He puts his lighter against the corner of the certificate. Truly, he outdid himself. Strikes the flint. Then I’ll follow. Watches it burn.

they're in this together.

or they're buried together.

[negative-speedforce]

Alright, your turn! If YOUR OCs starred in a movie, who would you pick to play them?

(I know you have a ton of OCs, feel free to just do the ones you can come up with a good answer for - I struggled to pick people for this and I have like half the OCs you do lol)

Alright so some of these people aren't actors or anything but they're definitely who I imagine the characters looking like-

Siv: Romy Flores, 100%. She's got the face, the nose, the "don't give a fuck" attitude. All she'd really need is gray contact lenses and either a haircut or a short wig.

Hailey: Lynk Lee isn't 100% perfect for Hailey, since Hailey has a more stocky, muscular build, but in the hypothetical movie, if she were to do some weight training, she could definitely do Hailey justice. Also, she'd need green/blue contacts for Hailey's post-death heterochromatic eyes.

Jay: Elliot Fletcher is the closest I can get to how I imagine Jay looking, though I would hypothetically want to cast someone who was both transmasc and physically disabled, since Jay is both.

Cassandra: Halle is absolutely perfect for Cassandra- though if she were to play the role, she'd need violet contacts for Cassandra's magic-corrupted eyes.

Arya: Cayley Spivey, 100%! This, but with elf ears and a shaggy mullet! (fun fact: Spivey was the fancast for Siv's original design)

Esme: Ava Max is my current fancast for her. She's got the bleach blonde hair, the "party girl" vibe and the angular yet cutesy face.

Gina: Ilianna Ayala Garcia would make a pretty good Gina, imo, though she's a little older than the actual Gina was when she died, what movie doesn't have a 20-something playing a teen?

Ember: Marina Summers, a queen who starred in S1 of Drag Race Philippines, is absolutely perfect for Ember!

Cat: Even though she doesn't necessarily look entirely like Cat, I've never been able to imagine anyone but Anna Cathcart as her. I think its just the vibes lol.

Kyle: This random-ass hockey player from Minnesota, Ryan Johnson, has been my faceclaim for Kyle since I first created the character.

Max: Heng Sokvisal makes a pretty good Max, just slap on a pair of glasses and we're good to go!

Khalil: Shameik Moore makes the perfect Khalil imo. No comments, just vibes. (though since Khalil works as a makeup artist I'd definitely give him some gold eyeliner or something)

Reggie: Winnie Harlow's pretty much perfect for Reggie, though she'd need blue contacts because Reggie has xer dad's eyes.

Ameerah: Amandla Stenberg makes an absolutely amazing Ameerah, I'd definitely want her to have the light blonde hair like in the picture, and she'd need pink contacts to match Ameerah's description.

Rania: Denise Bidot, 10000000%. She's been my faceclaim for her for like, FOREVER.

Director Hawke: Julianne Moore, specifically in her "President Coin" look. Director Hawke was loosely based on President Coin, so I've always imagined her looking somewhat like her.

Meredith: Rachel Zegler, but with glasses and lighter brown hair.

Onnie: Same as Siv lol it's her multiversal variant

Jessi: Same as Esme, multiversal variant

Pippa: Veondre Mitchell is the perfect Pippa! She was actually the one who I initially based Pippa's appearance off of.

Hyun-Ki: Park Sung-Hoon is a pretty good Hyun-Ki. From his dramatic looks to his honestly kinda gorgeous voice. I don't doubt he'd make a great Hyun-Ki

Thalia: Teyonah Parris is Thalia, there's no doubt about it. Ever since I watched Wandavision and saw her as Monica Rambeau, I knew that she'd be perfect to play Thalia in her hypothetical movie.

Reyna: K-Pop soloist AleXa is a pretty good fancast for her, though she'd need some pretty good SFX makeup or CGI due to Reyna being a near-human felid species.

Athena: Alaqua Cox (AKA Echo from Hawkeye) is how I imagine Athena looks, but with a white streak in the front of her hair (and a lot more seductive of an aesthetic)

Laila: Youtuber Beth Crowley is my faceclaim for Laila, though as Laila I'd want her to either don a short bob or a short wig, and amber contacts.

Marie: Mayu Maeshima is a great faceclaim for Marie, though she'd need SFX makeup for Marie's Romulan features and her Borg implants.

Qiara: Due to Qiara's nature as a being of pure energy, she doesn't necessarily take the same form at all times. However, the one she frequents the most could very well be portrayed by Chiquis Rivera.

Liah: Raquel Rodriguez would make a great Liah, she has the right height and build for her, she would just need SFX makeup for Liah's Cardassian features, and hazel contacts.

Samira: Desiree Akhavan would make a pretty good Samira. She definitely fits how I imagine Samira to look, and she's got the right vibe to play her as well.

Sohelia: Golshifteh Farahani is a pretty good faceclaim for Sohelia, though she'd need some light makeup to make her skin more ashy, due to Sohelia being half-vampire.

Vanessa: Storm Reid is absolutely perfect for Vanessa, though for most of the movie she'd be replaced with either a puppet or CGI double for her monster form.

Dolores: Diane Guerrero is perfect for Dolores. She'd just need some minor makeup in order to look more like a vampire, i.e. ashy skin, red eyes, fangs, etc.

I don't have faceclaims for Eric, Jacob, Antonio, Cory, Soraya, Aldrich, Matt, or Victorie yet.

[starseneyes]

Romitri - Rose / Dimitri - Vampire Academy - Season 1 - Ep 8

Welcome to my Meta for episode 8 of Season 1 of Vampire Academy on Peacock! If you’d like to catch up:

Episodes 1-5 Meta

Episode 6 Meta

Episode 7 Meta

SPOILER ALERT: I will spoil absolutely everything. So, reader beware. I haven’t yet read the books, so feel free to fill in the blanks, if you like!

All set? Great! Let’s dive in.

The Trials

Talk about a name of an episode having a million meanings. Yes, obviously there’s the Royal Trials. But there’s also the trial of Romitri, of Dragonzera, of Dimitri’s faith, of Rose’s resolve, and of how far a person is willing to go for what they want.

Look, coming into this episode, I was ready for bad. Like, really bad.

I actually predicted the “big minute 41 twist” based on telegraphing earlier in the season, and it was actually more tame than I expected. I knew this episode was going to hurt. And it did. Did it hurt so good? Or just burn away the last shreds of hope? Let’s dive in to find out.

“I’ll have another.”

We find Rose at the bar, the camera paying special attention to her Molnija mark... a mark left permanently on her flesh by the blood of her friend, and the ink of her almost-lover.

Rose is drinking away her sorrows. But her imagination is getting away with her, along with her liquor. Mason’s the one to find her and carry her out of there. She holds onto him as they go.

Now, I’ve seen some people compare this to Dimitri carrying her home. There are some parallels, sure. I think this week we’re going to see Rose seeing Mason there for her when Dimitri isn’t, and even though she doesn’t love Mason, it’s enough for her to lean into him. He’s something stable when everything else in her life has gone to sh*t.

“Lately I’ve been feeling... unmoored. Have you ever doubted any of it? All of it?”

Dimitri is feeling lost, and repulsive as Tatiana is, we know that she is manipulating him. She’s presenting herself as a “kindred spirit”, as someone to whom he can relate. She wants him to share information with him. She wants him to open up. She wants to get something she can use against him or someone else. This is what she does.

But Dimitri doesn’t see it. Because right now he needs someone to anchor him in his faith, again.

Belief systems are tricky, and when you come up in a very restrictive one, any step out of line can feel like the most egregious sin. I can speak to this personally, and I find it so strange that much as I relate to Rose, there are moments I actually relate more to Dimitri.

Trust me, he’s lost. He’s faltering and flailing, and without the foundational functionality of his faith, he finds himself wondering who he is. Who is he without his structure? He honestly doesn’t know.

“But if faith were easy, it wouldn’t need to be practiced.”

It’s exactly what he needs to hear. He needs someone to help him feel rooted, again. Tatiana is an instrument in his convincing himself that he can go backwards. He needs to believe that he can separate himself from Rose, that he can move on as before, that he can still be the golden boy.

Because a part of him needs this.

He needs the rigidity to convince himself he’s a good person. Dimitri’s faith and life negate the acceptance of gray. You’re either a good soldier or might as well be Strigoi.

Tatiana is filling a space in his life right now. We all know what she truly is. We all know what she wants, ultimately. But, he can’t see it, right now. Because she is what he needs her to be in this moment—a voice of reason. Or so he believes.

Rose Takes Off After Dimitri

Besides the convenience of Plot, I have no idea what Dimitri is doing over in this area, especially just strolling around, but Rose loses her thoughts when she sees him. She wants to talk to him.

And Meredith and Mason are so aware that something’s up. They’re both annoyed with Rose for taking off in the middle of something important.

But Dimitri is important, too.

And she wants to talk to him. But by the time she gets out there, he’s gone. It’s so indicative of where they are right now. They can’t even be together in the safety of the sun. She can see him through the glass, but she can’t reach him. He’s unreachable to her, now.

Rose Runs from Lissa

You can tell which one hurt worse.

Look, I’m not saying she doesn’t love Dimitri, but Lissa was her ride-or-die best friend, and Lissa’s rejection hurt a thousand times worse. Lissa took away Rose’s agency by trying to protect her.

And as Meredith and Mason look to one another, it’s clear they want to know what’s going on with Rose. They’re all growing closer as the season goes on, but Rose is shutting everyone out. Everything hurts and she can’t reopen wounds right now.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I’m not talking to anyone else, because you are still the person that I trust.”

I love how she knows his routes. She could just join him, and know exactly where he was going to be. It’s such a nice detail.

“There’s more going on around here than you think, including possible treason.”

She’s trying to appeal to him, to get him to listen to her, to get him to help her. But he’s riding on the high of Tatiana’s affirmation.

Look, when you have a belief system your entire life that you’ve woven into the core of your being, it’s hard to know who you are without it. It’s hard to know how to exist if it’s not the center, any longer.

I’ve seen it happen with many people who grew up in a belief system that was constricting and confining, but felt like a snug embrace. Breaking out of that is not easy and it’s not instant. Sometimes, people balk and push back against it.

That’s where Dimitri is right now. He’s pushing back against Rose and her challenging of everything he knows. He’s trying to burrow back into his belief.

“Come on! I know you think we shouldn’t be talking right now, but-” “It’s not what I think. It’s what has to be.”

And he really thinks he has a handle on it—control. He thinks that if he can cut her off like a bad drug, he’ll be fine and she’ll be fine. But, note how he stopped when she called him out. All it took was her tonal shift, and he totally stopped in his tracks.

“I’ve put you at risk. I’ve all but put Lissa at risk.”

He’s keeping his distance, not closing the space between them like he ordinarily would (even before they became snogging buddies). He’s trying to rationalize all the things he has done wrong. He thinks he has a sin to atone for. He thinks that what he’s done is unforgivable and he needs to somehow atone.

All he did was fall in love.

But love isn’t allowed. Not between Damphirs. It’s a fantasy.

“I recall. I was there making my own choices.”

Rose is the one to step forward, to eliminate a little of the distance between them, to try to remind him that she’s a capable woman and that he didn’t do anything to her. She had a choice at every turn.

Their first kiss was mostly her, for goodness sake. She never asked him to stop because she wanted it all. She was the one drawing him out to dance.

“Were you? The only reason you think you have a choice is because you were raised by a powerful Moroi family who pretended that you being a Damphir didn’t matter.”

Ouch. I think of Alexei and Eloise... Alexei was “an influential Royal” so they looked the other way. They were allowed to marry. They were allowed love. But the second Alexei was gone, Eloise went straight to the Communes. The reality that she was a Damphir never disappeared... it only dissipated so long as Alexei lived.

Dimitri is right, of course. He grew up in a completely different way. Angry as Rose is at her mother, she had the Dragomirs. Dimitri had a single mother in the Communes with younger sisters to take care of. He had abuse. He had trauma.

His faith was the anchor to get him through.

“Maybe if I’d had that, I’d believe that I could do anything, too. But I don’t.”

I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe I have a choice. I don’t believe I can be trusted with choice.

He’s so lost. Dimitri is lost.

Remember his words from the last episode, “I shouldn’t have let this happen” in relations to Lissa and Adrian seeing the Heretic... as though that would have changed anything or taken away their Spirit Magic and the truth of their Saints. Somehow, Dimitri makes everything his fault.

It’s a special kind of trauma... and he’s digging deeper into it, now. Rose wants to smack him out of it, but there are talons hidden beneath the sinking sand that hook into Dimitri, tearing at him with every one of Rose’s well-meant tugs.

“All I have is this life and the faith that has helped me endure it.”

He never dreamt of another life... until Rose... until she showed him he could find joy in freedom. He accepted the life he’d been dealt, and after seeing the slip of control in a moment’s hesitation... he’s clinging hard to this life, for better or worse.

“I can’t lose that, Rose.”

But can you lose her? Can you really lose Rose completely and not be fractured forever?

The stupid man thinks he can push her away, that she’ll be fine, that he’ll be fine. He’s so busy rationalizing his sins that he’s forgotten how to feel. He’s acting on reason while she’s appealing to his heart that he’s locked away, tighter than ever.

He speaks to her as an equal, here, which is significant. But, he’s speaking to a wall as much as she is. Rose is all emotion, right now, despite trying to have a reasonable conversation.

“It’s not that I don’t want to help you. It’s that I can’t.”

He’s outlining a blueprint for survival and she’s aching for poetry. She steps a little closer, and he almost imperceptibly pulls back... away from the temptation. Away from everything he truly wants.

“This faith that you’re holding onto with a death grip is supporting an unfair system that is never going to change. Maybe you should be the one who does.” “I’m sorry. Am I interrupting something?”

F*ck off, Tatiana. But, the b*tch knows how to choose her moment.

Sorry, y’all, I’m really saucy about her. (and she is BRILLIANTLY written and performed) But, she was most definitely listening in, because if Dimitri was going to consider any of Rose’s words, it might have been this. Instead, he’s redirected to his anchor.

Remember, he’s feeling unmoored. He’s looking for an anchor... even if it sinks him to the depths and leaves him to drown. He’s not thinking that far ahead. He wants the same comfort and solace he sought at the altar after the death of his best friend—and he’s found it temporarily in Tatiana.

All by her design, of course, but Dimitri’s being a bit of a stupid boy at the moment.

“I came to watch you train. I want to see what I’m putting all my faith in.” “Faith in what? What for?”

Rose gives no sh*ts about Tatiana being a Royal. Remember, she grew up with the love of the Dragomirs, so she’s probably long been aware of Tatiana being a venomous snake. She has no need to show her respect, despite the societal norms that demand she should.

“Guardian Belikov has agreed to be my champion in the second trial, the trial by Proxy.”

Dimitri’s looking away. He knows Rose and he knows she isn’t going to like this.

But Rose doesn’t understand my faith so she doesn’t understand why I’d do this for Tatiana.

It’s “the othering” that Tatiana does so well. She does it with the Royals and she does it here with Dimitri. She’s great at separating people and creating divides. She’s trying to divide these two.

“He won’t beat Dimitri, but I can. I know how he thinks, how he moves. I understand him better than anyone. I will win this, so pick me.”

Rose can’t let Tatiana be Queen. Dimitri wasn’t there when she and the other Novices overheard Tatiana’s plans for Damphirs on the Royal Tour. And Dimitri won’t listen to her. As far as she’s concerned, he’s drunk the Duty Koolaid, especially if he’s going to back a sniveling, manipulative, abusive, madwoman like Tatiana.

And—let’s be honest—she wants to beat the sh*t out of him.

The Fight

Why the f*ck are there clowns? I mean, just why!? As someone who grew up terrified of the things... that was jarring and bizarre. Royals are into some kinky stuff, friends.

“When are you going to tell me what she did that hurt so much?” “I have a fight to prepare for.”

Rose is playing off that it’s just Lissa that’s got her off, but we all know it’s Lissa and Dimitri that’s got her off her game. And Rose doesn’t tell these things to Mason.

Because, despite it all, Dimitri is still the one she trusts.

And I feel for Mason because he is all-in as far as Rose is concerned. He’s the one helping her get ready for the fight. He really is being there for her this entire episode in a selfless way. It’s very sweet, but your heart breaks for the kid because we all know that at worst, he’s the one she settles for. And he deserves to be with someone who sees him as he sees her.

“And Lord Dashkov has selected Novice Rose Hathaway.”

This is the first time Dimitri’s hearing this. Up until this moment, he’s been in a Rose-free headspace, prepared to fight for Faith and what’s right against whoever Victor chose. Choosing Rose has thrown a wrench in Dimitri’s plans for the night. Shrouded in darkness, he turns around to see her—completely still, bathed in red like blood.

Lissa looks to Christian in surprise. She didn’t see this coming, and last she knew these two were an item. Now they’re going to fight?

Dimitri tries to take a steadying breath, but this is his worst nightmare. For the sake of duty, he needs to harm the woman he loves.

F*ck duty.

“What are you doing here?”

Rose looks over to Tatiana who gives her a measured look. Tatiana didn’t expect this.

“I’m here to beat some sense into you.”

Not her. Do what you need to do. Do your duty. But if you’re going to do this, you need to understand the monster you’re doing it for.

Dimitri once said he wouldn’t bet against Rose Hathaway. I’m hoping everyone here who was betting was smart enough to bet on her.

Look, I know some have said, “Rose needs this fight”. But this is different. It’s not that simple. Yes, she wants to beat the crap out of him. Yes, she’s hurting. But she also needs to convince herself that he’s not her person anymore.

If he does hit duty, here, she can finally let go of him in her heart, right? She can finally see him as irredeemable. She can finally embrace Mason without feeling guilty.

And Rose throws the first blow, taking him off-guard.

They battle. They move. They grab one another’s chins, trying to gain control of the moment.

“Tatiana Vogel is everything I hate about this place.” “I do what I’m told.” “Right. Your fucking duty.”

Rose is raw, but she is trying to make a point. And he’s missing it. He’s clinging so hard to what makes sense to him that he’s failing to see how none of it actually makes sense. He’s convinced himself that it does.

“Why are you doing this?” “Apparently, it’s the only way you’ll listen.”

He’s horrified, here. Remember, his worst fear is that he’s a violent menace like his father. Rose hasn’t considered that when she decided to do this—or if she has, she’s pushed it so far out of her mind as to think her actions are justified.

But this is sending him spiraling worse than before while she’s trying so hard to pull him to steady ground.

“You want me to stop? Win.”

And there it is. Do your duty. If he does his duty, then it proves he’s too far gone... that she can let go. Do your duty.

“You’re taking it easy on me.” “Or maybe you’re just that good.” “Bullshit.”

This throws me back to the Benchmarks, when Mason told her that Dimitri went easy on her. And then Dimitri told her he was going to come harder for her the next time. She’s looking for the holes. She’s looking for justification. She’s looking for something to make the pain stop as much as he is.

He thinks he can anchor to Tatiana and find peace in his prayers. She thinks she can untether from Dimitri and find release in her wrists.

They’re both thinking past one another instead of working together, and we know that they need each other more than they know. They’re both spiraling in their separate cyclones, too scared and stupid to reach out and steady one another.

“What kind of champion refuses to fight?” “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He grabs onto her face, demonstrating the real control he could wield over her... He’s capable of it. He keeps it at bay. He keeps it locked up. He banishes it. But he is trying to make the point and get through to her.

But he touches a nerve instead.

“It’s too late.”

He has hurt her. He’s gutted her in ways she didn’t know she could still hurt after losing the Dragomirs and dealing with all the other sh*t of her life.

“Your honor as a champion is on the line here, comrade. Come on. Our duty won’t let us be together? Then do your fucking duty.”

She’s taunting him, pushing him, enticing him to fight. But that last bit touches a nerve. It hurts. It aches. It burns. And it bursts out of him before he can wrestle it back. He hits her with an uppercut, sending her flying and Tatiana cheering.

He’s watching Rose hurt... suffer... struggle. And somehow the physical act has finally broken through his understanding. I hurt her. Yes, you did, Dimitri. And Tatiana is cheering you on, applauding your efforts, as you hurt the woman you love.

Dimitri breaks.

He completely breaks. He closes his eyes and accepts his fate as she comes for him. Because he will accept whatever punishment she dolls out. He will allow whatever she wishes to make this right.

I deserve this.

He truly believes it. And he thinks that he can atone for it right here and now instead of working through the muck, instead of putting in the effort, instead of fighting for what’s good and right in the world. Because everything he believes and understands is tethered to a system of oppression and abuse that he’s embraced as gospel.

And it’s something that happens so often to trauma victims, especially those with childhood trauma. We sometimes grab onto something that gives us structure without realizing it’s constricting us, tightening around us like a serpent ready to snap.

“That’s what I thought.”

And Rose is so wrapped in her own pain that she doesn’t see his. Doesn’t realize it’s breaking him. She sees the man who hurt her and not the man who is also hurting.

The bell is rung. She’s won the fight. But it’s not enough for Rose. She wants him to fight her. She wants him to give her that excuse she needs to finally let him go. She’s pent up on anger, aggression, and heartache.

“Fight back!”

But he won’t fight her. He can’t. He won’t.

Because in this moment he chose Rose.

And he will always choose Rose... even when she can’t see it.

He shakes his head... he’s not fighting her.

She hits him. And hits him. And it finally hits her that she’s going too far. All eyes are on her... and on the beating she’s giving a fellow Damphir.

Lissa looks to Mason, as does Meredith. Mason can only mouth, “I don’t know.”

Because nobody knows. Rose doesn’t talk about these things. She doesn’t talk about her hurt. She doesn’t talk about her pain. If she had a person, Dimitri was that person... and her person is the one currently on the ground bleeding... and she’s the one who put him there.

“You’re a fucking mess, Rose.”

Poor Mason. He is being a good friend. And he deeply cares about her. And she does need help, whether she wants it or not. And he’s smart enough to realize he’s not the one to give it.

“I came to apologize. I should not have begun that fight knowing there was no way I could do what I had to do to win.”

Technically, Rose started that fight when you still wanted to talk. But, there it is. You knew you couldn’t purposefully hurt Rose. You couldn’t do it.

It’s not that I don’t want to... It’s that I can’t. His own words come back around in reverse. He wanted to do what he needed to... but he couldn’t... because it was Rose.

“My value here has been... compromised.”

He thinks he isn’t valuable. He thinks he’s broken. He thinks he can’t do the job. He can’t do his duty.

He’s so bloody broken.

And I get this. I get growing up with childhood trauma and internalizing it... thinking that everything is your fault because it has to be. It has to be you who caused the problem because you know you were the problem as a child, so you have to be the problem as an adult.

You’re the failure. You’re the problem. You screwed up. You did it wrong.

What’s wrong with you? How could you do this?

The negative self talk is deafening and damning. He’s so f*cking lost.

“You’re in love with that girl, aren’t you?”

I don’t think Tatiana realized it until now. And Dimitri knows it, but can’t verbalize it. That would be another sin.

But the look he gives her is so close to the one he gave Alberta when she called him out on the “extra training” he’d been giving Rose. He’s caught. The other person is right. Damnit.

“But you can’t be with her without sacrificing the duty you pledged to the Saints. So you’ve chosen not to be with her at all.”

Tatiana is, once again, acting as his anchor. She calls out “the Saints” specifically, pulling him closer toward the Faith and further away from Rose. She knows what she’s doing. He’s vulnerable and broken, and she’s preying on him.

He needs an anchor. And she knows it. She makes him feel wanted and seen without having to compromise his beliefs. She’s giving him an out... and he’s so broken that he takes it.

Because he needs this anchor to justify everything he’s ever been... because Rose challenges everything he’s ever known and believed.

Dimitri chains himself to the anchor as it drags him down... because he wants the safety of direction without taking into account the true costs to his soul.

And as they kiss, he can’t even touch her. Because it’s not about love. It’s about feeling something with someone who knows the proper order of things and can offer him absolution for his sins. He feels... seen and validated. Like, all the sacrifices he’s making are the right ones, and that his Faith is justified.

And he’s so lost, wafting in the wind without a direction. And this woman comes along with a familiar song that he’s heard a thousand times, and he listens to the siren who sings him to his doom because the tune is familiar and stirs in him something that resembles who he believes himself to be—righteous and true.

Never mind his true sins are on display, for his pride and stubbornness are blocking him from true happiness with the woman he truly loves.

“We both need to find our way without each other.”

As Dimitri sacrifices a part of his soul to find perceived absolution, Rose cuts off a part of hers in an act of self-preservation.

“I have to be loyal to myself for a change. I have to make my life count.”

And Rose finally lets Mason in a little. And it hurts. It aches. Because she’s doing the same thing as Dimitri, right now. She’s looking for someone who doesn’t make it hurt more. She’s looking for someone who makes her feel justified, someone who makes her feel like she doesn’t have to change, someone who won’t expect her to be anything more than she is.

But that’s the dance of Dimitri and Rose... they make each other better. Dimitri helps Rose to be more disciplined and to consider her actions. Rose helps Dimitri to set aside his rigidity and actually live and enjoy life a little.

They draw one another out in the best and worst ways, but growth is often intertwined with pain, because we don’t want to move out of our comfort zone. Dimitri and Rose are magnets, but to get to one another, they both have to move out of their comfort zones. Right now, they’re both desperate for them.

They’re both looking for someone else, right now, who can make it hurt a little less. And that’s what sucks for poor Mason, because he’s all-in. And Rose is trying to convince herself that she is, too.

And Dimitri is trying to convince himself that he was right and Rose is wrong, and that his Faith is enough to carry him through. But, he’s so blind in his agony that he’s oblivious to Tatiana’s true intentions.

I see a lot of people saying, how could you!? to Dimitri... and while I think his choice is abhorrent, he’s completely broken, right now. He wants to feel something besides the pain of losing Rose, the fear of his own faltering faith, and the darkness that he’s worked so hard to keep at bay.

Dimitri is digging in his heels.

And Rose is running away.

They’re so opposite and yet so the same. Stubborn to the core. And, we can only hope that someday these two realize what we already know—they’re so much better together.

WOW, I got this one out a lot faster than expected. But, I saw some abuse of Kieron Moore, and I think that spurred it on. Look, these actors are crushing it, but they aren’t responsible for their character’s choices. I’ve read the articles from Kieron about his struggles with the scene. He was honest. He was earnest. He worked hard to understand what would drive Dimitri there even as he’s shaking his head at the guy.

And I have a real big problem with abusing actors. I grew up on film sets. I grew up around young stars. I saw them go from actors nobody knew to international sensations, and I saw how their lives changed, for better or worse. These actors aren’t responsible for their character’s choices and don’t deserve any criticism or vitriol for what their characters do.

Alright, I’ll get off the soap box, now. It just really strikes a nerve.

As always, thank you for reading. Stay tuned for more angst and heartbreak next week courtesy of our favorite forbidden lovers who are too stubborn for their own good.

[jobrookekarev]

So I Showed up on Your Doorstep

So I Showed up on Your Doorstep

Chapter One of Seven

Words: 1286

Summary: Jo tells Alex about her ex-boyfriend and the incident that led her to Kansas.

Fandom: Gray’s Anatomy.

Relationship: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson, and Jo Wilson/OC.

Characters: Alex Karev, Jo Wilson, Luna Ashton-Wilson, Meredith Grey.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences.

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Bruising, Car Rides, Toddlers, Soft!

Read at AO3

Read at FFN

……………………………………………………………………

“His name’s Tom Olson and he’s a baseball player for this minor league team,” Jo said as she started to tell Alex about what happened. 

“We met when he came in with his friend's wife. She was in labor and Carina and I were her OBs. Her husband wasn't there yet, and he was delayed, so Tom stayed with her. He was so supportive and sweet and he was better than most of the labor partners I've seen in the past. He stayed until her husband got there and then he waited in the waiting room until the baby was born. When I brought him back to meet the baby, we started talking. When he came back out, he gave me his number. He was so sweet, so I decided to call him. We've been going out for a few months now. I knew that he had a bit of a temper on the baseball field. I've been to one of his games and seen clips online, but he said it was just an act and I believed him. I thought I knew him. I knew it was a red flag, but I just, I don't know, he was so kind to me. But I should have seen it for what it was. God, I was so stupid.”

“No, you are not stupid, Jo. You believed that you found a good man. It's not your fault. What he did to you isn't your fault. You hear me, you are not stupid, Jo,” Alex said, squeezing her shoulders and trying to get her to believe what he said and as she looked into his eyes, she believed him.

She nodded, putting a hand over her mouth as she closed her eyes, letting the few tears left in her eyes fall. He reached out and put a hand on her arm, gently rubbing up and down. She couldn't help but lean into him. It was so easy to take the comfort he gave her and she was weak to resist. He put his hand on her knee. She let out a breath as she looked down at his hand before she continued. 

“We hit it off and he took me out nearly every weekend. By the end of the month, he wanted to meet Luna. He knew how important she was to me and how she was such a big part of my life, and I agreed. So this morning I met him at the park. Luna's never been shy, but for some reason, she didn’t like him. I guess her judgment is better than mine,” Jo said with a smile that quickly fell as she shook her head. “So I put her on the swing, and I was pushing her, and she kept trying to kick my hand. But we were just playing and she was laughing. She ended up kicking my hand and I asked her to stop, but she just laughed and kept kicking. I wasn't even hurt or anything but, he made this joke. He said, ‘you better listen to your mom, or she'll return you to the hospital.’ and Luna got all wide-eyed and quiet. Then she started to cry. We still have to go to the hospital for tests, and appointments, and stuff, and she hates it. I know she was frightened that I would leave her there, which of course I never would.” 

Jo looked up into his eyes as if she was trying to make him believe it too, and of course, he did. He knew Jo, and he knew that she would never willingly leave her daughter behind. She would never want Luna to think that she was going to leave her or that she was unloved or unwanted.

“I scooped Luna up out of the swing and just glared at him. I held Luna close, and I reassured her that I would never leave her at the hospital. That I would never leave her at all. I told her that she was stuck with me forever and I had the paperwork to prove it. Once she calmed down, I gave her an extra hug and kiss. Then put her back in the swing. I gave her a couple of pushes before I looked back at him.” 

Jo got the same angry look that he imagined she gave to Tom and Alex had to keep from leaning back away from her. He had never seen Jo like this, like a mama bear ready to fight for her cub, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't love this version of her.

“And I just ripped into him. I mean, I did it in hushed voices as I didn't want Luna to get upset or anything, but I just laid into him. I told him how inappropriate that joke was. Especially given that Luna's adopted and because that happened to me, you know. I had dozens of foster parents and adopted parents who threatened to send me back and then actually did. But he just played it off like it was a joke. I told him that it wasn't funny. Then I said he should leave and that I didn't think that this was going to work out. I guess I finally realized that he wasn't what he seemed. I just realized it too late. I turned back to Luna and that’s when he grabbed my wrist. He kept insisting that it was all a joke and he wouldn't let go. He just squeezed my wrist harder and harder, and I told him it was hurting, but he didn't listen. He just kept saying that it was a joke and that he was a nice guy. That I should give him a second chance and not take things so seriously, but I just screamed at him to let me go, and then Luna started crying again. I didn't want my daughter to see that. I never wanted her to be frightened of anyone I was dating. I tried to get away as quickly as I could. I tried to pull out of his grasp. I even twisted my wrist to try and break free, but he wouldn't let go. I ended up just trying to hit his arm to make him let go and that's when he hit me. It all happened so fast.”

Jo closed her eyes as she couldn’t bear to look at Alex right now. She could see and feel it all so vividly and her mind. The feel of his hand wrapped around her wrist, the cold grass as she fell back, the smell of the rain and his expensive cologne, and the way Luna's screams rang in her ears. In that moment, she had a flashback of when Paul had slapped her across the face, and now she had flashbacks of Tom doing the same thing. A few tears escaped, and she looked down to see them fall into the mug of hot chocolate that was growing cold in her hands. 

The only thing that brought her back was Alex. He put his hand on her knee and rubbed gentle circles like he used to. Leaning into him, he wrapped one arm around her. Being in his arms again made her feel so safe and secure and loved. He was giving her that love she had wanted since he left and he gave it to her freely now. She knew that she should be mad, that she should rage and scream and cry at him. However, right now, all she wanted was for him to hold her. Alex had loved and protected her better than anyone. That was why she came here in the first place. Jo looked up into Alex's eyes again as he just watched her, waiting for her to continue. He never pushed her to tell him things and for that, she was grateful.

“The second he hit me, he let go, and I fell back. I scrambled up and I got Luna. I just scooped her up and ran. Of course, he chased after me, and he kept apologizing and saying that he didn't mean it. That he was sorry, but I'd heard it all before from Paul. I swore I would never let that happen again and never in front of my daughter. So I just ran. I got to the car and just climbed into the front seat and locked the doors. Then I turned around to put Luna in the car seat. The entire time he was there, yelling and apologizing, and banging on the windows, but I just ignored him and drove away. I was so scared that he was going to chase me and I don't know. I just thought about Paul and how he'd kill me. So when I got back to the penthouse, I just grabbed everything that we would need, and I left. I didn't know where to go, I was just on autopilot when I drove to the airport, and before I knew it… We were on a plane here.” 

Jo paused for a second as she looked around the farmhouse again. It was so perfect. It was straight out of a magazine. This perfect little farmhouse, in this quiet little town with kids’ toys scattered around and baked goods on the kitchen counter. The house smelled like cookies, the floral candles that she saw on the mantel, and like everything a home should smell like. But, she didn't come here for the perfect home, she came here for Alex. 

Now she looked back at him, she knew she made the right decision in coming here. Because as he sat next to her, holding her close, he was protecting her like she knew that he would. When she bought the plane ticket, all she could think about was how much she wanted Alex. And how much she wanted him to protect her like he had protected her from Jason and Paul. How he would have never made that joke because he knew what it was like to be bumped around foster homes, never wanted, and always returned. She thought about how much he would love Luna and how he would reassure her that they would always want her and love her.

“I just missed you,” Jo said, looking at him as he suddenly looked up at her, as his lips parted. “I miss how much you loved me. I've been chasing that love since you left. I fell in love with Luna, and I love her, I do, but she's not my partner or my husband. I wanted that again, that's why I started dating. I realize now that the only thing I ever wanted was you. I just wanted you back.”

Jo knew that it was wrong to say. Alex lived in this perfect house with Izzie and her perfect muffins and their perfect kids. He had a perfect life and a perfect family, and she was just coming in to ruin it all, but she didn't care. She didn't come here because she needed Alex. Sure she needed a safe place where she could hide out with her daughter, but she wanted him. She wanted him to love her and protect her and be there for her again.

Alex just stared at her, his lips slightly parted and his eyes wide. He didn't say anything and she didn't expect him to. She wasn't sure if she wanted to face him, so she looked away. She caught sight of a photo sitting on the end table. It was of Izzie, him, and the twins. She picked it up and looked at it. 

“Izzie takes these photos every fall to make sure she has a family photo and one for the Christmas card. The twins insisted that I be it too, but it felt weird to be a part of someone else's family photo. I mean, Alexis and Eli are my family, and I love them. I'm their dad, but it still feels weird to be a family with Izzie, and not you.” The last three words were said in almost a whisper that she didn’t quite catch, but she didn’t look at him, she just stared at the photo.

It did look a little awkward. The twins were in between the two of them smiling, and Alex and Izzie were on opposite sides of them, standing as far away as possible. Izzie had a wide and happy smile, but Alex had that forced smile that he always had whenever she made him take a photo. 

“I remember how you used to tell me how to smile whenever you wanted a picture of me. Back then, it was so easy to smile for you,” Alex gave her that easy and genuinely happy smile now and it still gave her butterflies.

“Yeah, you do look pretty stiff,” Jo said with a little laugh. 

“I look pretty miserable, but in truth, I was,” Alex said a little awkwardly as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Are you glad to hear that?” 

“No, I'm not,” Jo said, looking back at him as she quickly put the photo frame back on the table. “A year ago, I would have been, but all my anger has faded away, and I loved you enough to hope that you were happy.”

“Are you happy, with your new job and with Luna?” Alex asked, his face so desperate to know that she was happy, that he hadn't ruined her life like he had ruined his own.

“Yeah, I'm happy,” Jo said, giving him a smile despite how it was the truth, she knew that her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. “I did a Christmas photo with Luna last year. I was able to come in on my day off, and I put her in this frilly little red Christmas dress that she absolutely hated, so I had to switch it out for a little plaid shirt that said baby’s first Christmas. It just makes me think that now we both have Christmas photos with our children, our families, but not with each other.”

Jo hadn't taken her eyes off of him and Alex looked back up, catching her gaze. His eyes pulled her in like they always did, and his sad look faded away to one of longing, the kind of longing he always had for her. Jo forgot about the pull he had on her when they were together, but now that they were together again, that pull was back. As she looked at him, she wondered how she was ever able to resist him. 

Alex looked up at her again, staring into her eyes with that look. She knew that look of love oh so well. It was the same look of love and longing that he used to give her when they were fighting and he wanted to go back to her. It made her heart sore and beat a little faster in her chest. It gave her more hope than she knew she should have. He leaned in, tilting his head just a little bit as her eyes glanced down to his lip. 

She knew it was a bad idea, and she knew that she shouldn't, but she couldn't help but lean into him and tilt her head. She could feel his warm breath on her cheek as she reached up and put a hand on his chest, feeling his heart against her palm as he reached up and held her hand there. They were so close that they could touch and she could feel his hot breath on her lips.

Suddenly his phone buzzed and it seemed to break the spell that was around them. Alex moved his hand from her knee as he glanced at the text. “Izzie’s on her way home with the kids.” 

“I should go,” Jo said standing up, he may have been comfortable with cheating, but Jo certainly wasn't, especially if the other woman was coming back with two children, who were innocent in everything. 

“Wait Jo,” Alex said, standing up as she turned back to look at him. “We're not together.”

“What?” Jo asked, taking in his desperate expression. 

“I lied in the letter. We were never together. I've been staying in the spare bedroom upstairs rather than at my own place so I can spend time with the kids. Especially with covid and everything last year,” Alex said with a bit of a sheepish look as he glanced down at his hands. 

Jo nodded as she slowly absorbed the news. When she read the letter, a part of her knew that he was lying, that the Alex Karev that she knew would have never betrayed her like that. She knew he would have never fallen out of love with her so quickly, but hearing him actually say it was a little bit of a relief. 

“I should still go,” Jo said, although she made no attempt to leave.

“Stay. please.” Alex asked, holding his hand out to her. “Look, Luna is already asleep in the guest bedroom and it's too late to find a hotel. If you really want to go in the morning, I’ll help you get a hotel or I'll drive you back to the airport so you can go home. But it's been a long day and you should rest.” 

Jo nodded as he looked at his hand and she knew he was right. She was absolutely exhausted. She felt like she could just lay down, close her eyes, and be asleep in five minutes. Besides, if she got Luna up now, it'd be almost impossible to get her back down, then they would both be miserable throughout the night. Plus, the knowledge that he and Izzie weren't together was enough to make her stay.

Alex smiled and nodded and put his hand on her back as they walked down the hall to the guest bedroom. Jo checked on Luna while Alex stood there in the doorway, reluctant to enter but still watching over her. Luna was thankfully still sleeping peacefully. Her girl could sleep anywhere, and Jo was so thankful for that because as much as she tried to keep the turbulence out of her life, it seemed to follow them wherever they went. Jo tucked the blanket around Luna and ran her fingers through her tufts of blond hair, pulling on the hat that had slipped off her head. 

She blew her a kiss before she looked around the room. It was a simple guest room with white fluffy throw pillows, and Jo was a little afraid to break the perfect room. Thankfully, Alex decided to come in, and he started grabbing the throw pillows to toss onto the chair, and Jo related as she pulled back the covers. Next, Alex went into a little closet and grabbed two towels and a washcloth, putting them on the end of the bed.

“The bathrooms just through that door there, so you can take a shower now or later, and there's a guest toothbrush and shampoo and stuff if you need it,” Alex says as he finished getting things ready for her, before just sticking his hands in his jeans pocket and giving a little shrug. 

Jo smiled as she looked down, a little nervous too. “Thanks, a shower sounds really nice.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Alex said with a smile, he knew her routine and how she liked a shower at the end of a long day. “If you or Luna get hungry, there's food in the kitchen, and if you need anything else, just let me know.” 

“Thanks, she usually doesn't get up in the middle of the night, but she's an early bird so,” Jo said with a shrug, she wasn’t sure if she’d feel comfortable tiptoeing around someone else's kitchen in the early morning, so she prayed that Luna would sleep in, especially given their late night.

“Well, we're all early birds around here too, but I'll tell the twins to keep quiet, so they don't wake you guys up,” Alex said with a little chuckle as he talked about his kids before he shrugged. “Um, I guess just sleep well, and let me know if you need anything else.” 

They could both feel like a little twinge of love that was still between them, but she could tell that he was holding back, unwilling to act on it. She would be lying if she said she wasn't a little relieved. As much as she wanted him to, considering the state she was in, she was happy that they didn't take things further. Her emotions were running high and she knew that in the morning, things would change. Izzie and the twins would be home and she and Luna would have to go back to Seattle. They'd go back to their separate lives because he left her, and that wouldn't change with one night of comfort, as much as she wanted it to. 

“Thank you for everything. For taking in me and my daughter when you didn't have to,” Jo said, looking at him as she held the towel to her chest.

“What, you think I was gonna tell you to get off my porch and go find a hotel?” Alex said, joking just a little bit as his lips curled up into that Karev smile, but she looked away because that's exactly what she thought he might do. “Oh Jo, despite everything between us, I'd never turn you away. In fact, of all the places you could go, I'm glad you came here.”

“Me too,” Jo said, with a smile as she looked down, hoping he didn't see the way her cheeks turned pink. “Thank you again for always being there for me.”

“Of course,” Alex said, with a shrug as if it was nothing.

Alex slipped out of the room but not before giving her one last gentle smile. As he closed the door behind him, Jo let out a sigh, still feeling his kind and calm presents surrounding her. As she looked around the room, she felt like a stranger in the home. Still. She grabbed a change of clothing and started up the shower. She checked on Luna again before leaving the door open just a little bit so she could hear her if she cried. As she stepped into the warm water, she closed her eyes and saw Alex's smile in her mind. She could still feel his hand on her knee gently comforting her and the way his arms held her shoulders as she cried. She felt completely surrounded by him and not even the water could wash that away.

[incarnateirony]

Why should people believe your "trust me bro" angle more than Will's? You don't have a great track record for being right. Just look at Jake Abel and Walker. It's not fair to yet again get people's hopes up about Destiel when that's obviously never going to happen. At this rate your predications about Misha being on The Winchesters won't even end up being correct either.

i "DON'T HAVE A TRACK RECORD FOR BEING RIGHT"? I literally said "The post says Atlanta", Pat. I know you guys are desperate to find anywhere I've ever been wrong, but my ability to read a tag, and saying "the post is tagged atlanta, he was also possibly seen in austin as blurry white guy in a bg and he lives there and that isn't hard"

These are all things that are? true???? And what walker have to do with TRYING to whine ANYTHING about *my direct supernatural leaks that have an immaculate history*. "HAH-HAH, you can actually READ" is NOT the dunk you guys think it is, on my life. Are you guys operating on only one brain hemisphere or something? This is your big dunk? That once, for once in your life, screaming into the abyss without reading, that one time, your inability to read made yall right.

Here's my track record on shit that matters vs Pat screamed "no" at:

I told yall about the market testing starting S12, you denied it

I told yall about Berens intent starting S13, yall denied it

I told yall Berens was doing the confession in S14-15 hiatus. You guys denied it until it happened. It was the first thing he wrote.

I told yall about the roadhouse ending, you denied it

I told yall about the omissions, you denied it

I told yall about there being a johnmary spinoff coming, you denied it

I leaked the script, you denied it

I charted the entire shit about Meredith and Gray while yall made dumb donkey noises and thought it wouldn't influence you and oh look it's influencing you as your shows die and ours live

I leaked the entire shape of the show and what the morals were about, you denied it, but jensen helpfully is narrating it so you idiots can't scream it's just subtext.

this is actually a shortlist, the full list of leaks vs 2po's proven long denials is over here.

What you have on me:

You guys can't read, and it worked for you for once, and you guys REALLY wanna cling to that saying I said he wasn't in Austin, which I never said, I said both were a possibility. Being as confused during the finale as the crew itself was when you know what the ending is supposed to be and it's not coming together right. And me understanding New Orleans and Cajun confusing 2po.

GOOD FOR YOU GUYS. Big dunks.

I don't DO "trust me bro", you idiots. I give you scripts. I give you business history trails and things about the real world. 2po pisses his pants and refers to a M&G supported by another M&G supported by another M&G all of which he's lied about or been lied to about the contents of, as easily proven by vancon and the incident caused by his sources, and 2po's CONSCIOUS CHOICE TO LIE TO PEOPLE, because in trying to report my quotes he admitted he knew they were real. Why are you sobbing about Walker. I don't do Walker leaks. Don't trust Walker leaks i write because you're fucking hallucinating them.

One man is a conscious liar. The other is a person who has had every business level decision in this show upwards of three years in advance at times and 2po just cries when their incest porn is interfered with, and he's got a LOT of crying ahead of him. But sure, go to the guy that screamed this show isn't about learning from your parents or that the pilot was Fake for 8 months.

You too, nonnie. Fucking cope. If you want to double down and be a dumbfuck all the way to the end, and then pretend you weren't, and not delete yourself from the internet because you hid your stupidity behind anon the whole time, go off. "Why should I believe your scripts and accurate actual leaks in one targeted show and that business influences the real world more than M&Gs 2po imagines" fuckin' don't then. Be a dumbass. Idgaf.

Give me a statement more specific than a fortune cookie platitude that manever committed to predicting, and been right on. Fucking one. "Why should we" omg I don't fucking know, do you have a brain

[plctwists]

HAN SOHEE  23  FEMALE  SHE/HER — ; where do you get your inspiration, KIM MINA ? you’re so INTUITIVE , i can’t help but think of DYING ROSES , DRINKING EXPENSIVE WINE FROM THE BOTTLE AT DAWN , A MESS OF CIGARETTE BUTTS , WET BRUSHES AND CRUMBLED PIECES OF PAPER when i hear your name . your friends tell me you can be FLIGHTY sometimes . i guess it’s understandable given the circumstances. besides , i can’t even imagine how stressful PAINTING classes must be — not to mention you’re also in THE RED AND GREEN CLUB ! you’re a NEWCOMER , right ? yeah, i thought so . either way , welcome to mugunghwa ! 

hi all! i’m max, she/her, 21+ and super excited to be here! ‪♡‬ my new years resolution is to be active for the next 3 months so i can find out who k*lled jisoo :D anyways, this is my little manic pixie dream girl, flighty escapist painter miss kim mina! she’s still very much a wip and it’s my first time writing a character like her, so please do excuse any messiness and characterization issues thank u 

(also do like this post if you would like to plot!!) 

and more info about her can be found in her about page here ‪♡‬

basics

scorpio sun, cancer moon, scorpio rising

born 12 november 1999 in seoul 

lived in berlin for seven years when she was eight 

currently a second year painting major, specializes in oil painting & dabbles in watercolor. was previously at seoul national university

personality n vibes

infp

positive traits: caring, intuitive, creative, self-aware

negative traits: self-centered, escapist, dishonest, flighty

neutral traits: imaginative, secretive

character inspirations: the white lotus s2’s daphne, nevertheless’ jae eon, looking for alaska’s alaska young, if we were villains’ meredith, industry’s yasmin

archetypes the hedonist, the hopeless romantic

associated aesthetics: dying roses, messy rooms and messier lives, running away when things get hard, cigarettes butts and wet brushes carelessly strewn into an empty bottle of expensive wine, sharing knowing smiles in crowded rooms, vintage chanel bags stained with paint

trivia

best way to describe her: sweet but incredibly unreliable. soft-spoken with an air of mystery around her. the type to give you a vague, non-descript answer.

distances herself from reality because a. she doesn’t want to confront her trauma and b. it’s more fun romanticizing and dramatizing everything anyways

the kind to pretend that bad things don’t happen (she lives by the motto: “do whatever you have to do to not feel like a victim of life.”)

morally gray compass. will always find excuses for herself whenever she does something objectively wrong.

a manic pixie dream girl because she wants to be. deep down she knows that she’s fucked up and everything’s fucked up but would rather avoid a crushing reality than face it bc she has the opportunity to choose to ignore it. she may be self-centered and an escapist, but she’s not that stupid and not that unaware. she’s just wilfully ignorant rly

desperate for love, given her lack of love during her childhood, sort of a pushover but see below: will hurt u behind your back

she would never hurt someone, she says. but she is perfectly fine with doing it behind her backs and finding some justification on why it wasn’t that wrong anyways (shes a gaslighting queen)

she’s a fucking liar - misremembers events (wanting to dramatize them? just lives in a world of her own? no one fucking knows), saying whatever it takes to incite the reaction she wants, telling one thing to one person and another to someone else, always refusing to admit that she has lied

if you ask if she loved jisoo... she wouldn’t really have an answer. but she did love the idea of jisoo - the knight in shining armor, the boy who swept her off her feet away from shitty seoul

after jisoo’s death, nothing has really changed about mina which has led to a lot of talk about her “suspicious behaviour” but in reality, mina is detaching from the situation (as with what she did with her sister)

she’s numb about it, hasn’t really allowed herself to process - instead, throws herself into painting, buying expensive shit, dying her hair, speaking about him in present tense

background (tw death) 

summarising to things u need to know: parents dgaf about her, older sister died when she was six and she started building her own world, sent to berlin to study, came back to korea, cheated on her then-bf with her best friend’s boyfriend so she ran away with jisoo to mgh 

youngest only child of the kim family (tbc on what they do but they are rich but they are not in art world)

family lacked love, as with most rich families. hers never even tried - mum was a socialite, too busy chasing her youth with champagne flutes and mercurial highs to give a shit about her. dad just gave a shit about work more. maybe they never wanted children? maybe it was just part of their societal duties? mina has never tried to understand it and perhaps, never wants to

had an elder sister who she was quite close to

but when she was six, her sister passed away in a freak accident 

mina’s escapist tendencies intensified

made up stories about adventures of her and her deceased elder sister, started drawing and painting disturbing material to the point that her nanny, concerned over mina’s development, begged her parents to send mina for a psychological checkup

they found nothing wrong but her parents distanced themselves even further. she’s not sure whether it was because they couldn’t handle the loss of her older sister, or she scared them, or that they realized that there was no point even trying anymore

one of her parents’ friends and a teacher at her prestigious school saw that she had a gift for art, told her parents mina had potential 

she was then shipped off to berlin to hone her art in a prestigious art school

when she was fifteen, her grandparents threatened to cut her parents out of their will if mina didn’t come home, and so, she was sent back to korea for her high school years, where she did struggle to fit in but it wasn’t like mina really tried. continued painting, went on frequent overseas trips to europe, stirred a lot of shit and ruined many friendships

got into seoul national uni - started sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend, even though she was taken herself (why? for the shits and giggles? for the inspiration? just because mina wanted to? because he looked at her drunk one night and said, “you’re really pretty” and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so she did it behind her best friend AND boyfriend’s back, just to get the brief affection of someone who doesn’t even matter now? who the fuck knows)

essentially fucked her entire social life over and that was when mina realized she fucked up because seoul wasn’t like berlin where she could just run away and never return

around that time as well, she’d been talking to jisoo and when he (deeply in love with her at that point, and unaware of what had transpired) suggested she transferred over to mugunghwa, mina felt that it was the best possible option given the whole dramatic mess of her life.

over at mugunghwa, no one really knows what happened in seoul or why mina transferred. there are rumours about it though 

wanted connections

thank you if you made it this far! she only recently transferred to mgh during the spring semester so i don’t really have that many wanted connections!! always open to brainstorm :)

someone who has an inkling of what went down in seoul and is/was deeply suspicious of her relationship with jisoo

someone who puts her on a pedestal, and truly believes she is as great as they say her to be 

someone who keeps her grounded? or as grounded as possible? 

someone she does not like because they were mean to her face lol 

painting classmate friendships ‪♡‬ 

[creepy-crowleys]

Crowley shut her eyes and let herself slip from her body, the world shifting gray and muted as she did.

Only the stain where her father had bled out retained its color, vivid and red still in the world of the dead. Hers, her mother's and brothers lay behind her from where she sat on the memorial bench.

She let out a slow, pointless breath.

Nothing moved. No sounds were made. It was just as quiet, still and empty as it had been the previous times she had checked. As it always had been. As happy as she should have been that she was the only one lingering in this place...

The silence ached.

She pulled her knees to her chest and let her mind wander back, past the unchanging red pool that stained her memory of this place, to the bays and snarls and screams of that day, and the nightmares that perhaps hadn't been all in her head.

Time and purpose slid away from her.

'Bug?' a phantom wind whispered. 'Look at you. You've gotten so big.' The ghost of fingers brushed across her cheek. '...We missed so much.'

The dream of her father pressed a kiss to her crown and drew her in close. A memory of her mother rested a hand at her shoulder, quiet and reserved as in life but just as present and fiercely loving. The form of her brother, grown and ever-shifting in a life unlived, settled beside her.

Imagined eyes studied her, read her heart laid bare and loved her no less for the bruised and battered thing. 'Meredith.' Teary eyes met the face she could almost see if she just believed it hard enough, the same goofy crooked smile she saw in the mirror, eyes a few shades darker. 'We're so proud of you.' The phantom hand at her shoulder squeezed. 'You never need to doubt that.'

The grief held her a while more - minutes or hours - before the spell was broken and she stepped back into her living body, leaving blood and howling beasts and loving words behind, a little warmer and a little less hollow than she'd been before.

[shelbgrey]

Being Derek’s girlfriend in the period  Meredith and him break up (yk like when he dated rose that scrub nurse)

Dating Derek after he broke up with Meredith

Paring: Derek Shepherd x reader

Greys MasterList

You two are the classic right person wrong time.

It was obvious that you two loved each other but there was always something in the way. When he was with Addison you were with Mark. You were single he wasn't.

At first you didn't want to get into the drama that surrounded Derek, Meredith and anyone else that was involved. It didn't matter being Derek's best friend made in involved the moment you joined the hospital.

For some background you and Derek had been best friends since you were kids. You had longed for something more with him but he found Addison... Then Meredith. You did your best to be supportive but it started to hurt more as you kept your feelings a secret.

Suprisenly you and Meredith are good friends but you couldn't help but feel angry as Derek put everything into the relationship while she kept pushing him away.

It wasn't the smartest decision in the world but as Meredith pushed him away you started to avoid him. You didn't want to get your hopes nor did you want to be a rebound.

I hurt him more than you realized and after about a week he conred you.

“I'm not avoiding you... I've just been busy”

You started arguing after the white lie he saw right through. He knew you like the back of his hand and you two hadn't fought since the 11th grade when Mark asked you to prom.

“because I love you! And I can't lose you too!” derek shouted. That made the fire between you stop. Silence fell as you looked at him with wide eyes.

“it's always been you and I'm so sorry... I'm sorry I was so blind”

You shook your head not believing him. He stepped closer to you and admitted he broke up with Meredith because he realized it was you that he wanted.

“Meredith isn't you...Addison wasn't you”

At first your relationship was kept on the down low. Only a few people knew and Meredith wasn't one of them.

You wanted to be the one to tell her you just hadn't figured out how to do it.

Eventually you told her. She was upset at first but was happy for you. In the end she didn't see Derek like that anymore.

Even if you guys decide to take things slow at first he's still an amazing boyfriend.

If your acused of 'ruining' his and Meredith's relationship he will immediately have your back. Hell even Meredith dose once she gets used to it.

Your just perfect for him.

You'll ride the ferry boat with him and he'll watch any movie you want.

He'll basically do anything for you. I wasnt a dog, done. You want to go to universal studios, done. You want the moon he'll get it.

He's very protective and careful with you. He's terrified to lose you.

He gives the best hugs and kiss. He's not afraid to show his love for you but not too big in PDA.

You hate the trailer but will stay every night if he asked you too.

He comes up with the best dates but if you want to stay home and watch movie he'll have the time of his life.

He's a cuddler and needs a lot of contact, so be prepared to always be in his arms if your not working.

Your a peds surgeon so it's always exciting to have a surgery together. On a side note you always steal his scrub caps.

It's not long before your relationship grows strong and unbreakable.

After about three years you do get married and have kids.

The wait was long but you have never regreted it. You two love each other more than anything and you couldn't be happier.

[charleslebatman]

think it’s working quite the same in France, and I’ll not talk to you how health department is literally shattered into a thousand pieces. So don’t want to imagine how it must be for intern students in this case… ❤️

// AAH that you for your kind words and compliments ❤️ I like also my new nickname as doctor bestie I think I will use it often when I write to you now ehe. I can also understand from where the Meredith Gray comes from, a lot of people think the same ahah must be the path I'm choosing , I swear i am not as a much of a red flag as her.

And Yes I can imagine the situation in France, Is the same for almost the whole Europe. They will tell you it's because we have a Public Health system and that in the US and Private is better, but there are the same as us, even worse sometimes, just paid better. The thing is that what is required out of, not only doctors, but from the whole health machine, is just too much for a human being. Also a lot of speciality are basically disappearing. Surgery one of them, but a lot of others too. A lot of my colleagues want to do Dermatology or Plastic surgery or just something less demanding, like a lot of people want to do a specialty that also can lead you to have a private studio. Because they think that if we all got paid the same at the end, why bothering doing something demanding or that consume too much time with hospital hours and shifts? I don't agree but I understand the thinking.

So, most of the time doctors and nurses born and raised in a speciality need to aid others department. (The professor of General Surgery that I follow often go help the Gynecology department because they have no one that can operate most of the time, because emergency in that area are often overlooked soo not everyone is trained to handle them or have an interest in knowing them. Emergency=basically you are always on call even if you aren't in the hospital)

There are constantly cut to the finance of the health system and most of the times the staff aren't enough for covering everything, the shift hours are impossible and we don't have the resources. I don't think doctors have the wrost out of it, I really saw nurses and all the other staff members doing the impossible.

I know that seems like a shit situation, and one might think why the hell one will put themselves through that? Because, in my case, I cannot see myself doing anything else, even if a lot of people still try to led me to another path.

I really hope that someday we will stop be seen as heroes and be seen just how human beings that love their job. Yes, we help people, we do everything we can even if sometimes the public doesn't think so, but we aren't heroes, we need rest.

Also my 5 cents on the tiktok showing the aesthetics part of medicine. Starting with the fact that even if a lot of people record in the OR and hospitals I think that it's a little bit out of place, but that's on me. When you see those videos, understand that that's like 5% of the whole. People just show you what they want. They can show you that they studied the whole time, by showing a open book, maybe in reality they opened it only for the video, and most of the time the aesthetics part isn't real. Yes the OR has really pretty lighting but what happens in there isn't. Also, a lot of people do that on social media also in my Uni and seeing what they say online and knowing how they are really behind it, again, Don't believe it fully, just like a 5% of the whole it real about what they do.

Okay now I stop, I tend to be passionate about things I like and I can't stop myself from talking sometimes agaga really sorry, be free not to post it❤️

And although I can see which system Monsieur Macron is basing himself on. 💀 France being often known for its incredible healthcare system, well I'm telling you, it's become a disaster. So much for what the internationals envy us, (Social Security ✨) we'll soon be (if we're not already) in the same boat. It's become a disaster, and it's exactly the same I've heard doctors have decided to go more and more into esthetic for example.

In short, I see that it's the same catastrophe everywhere in the end sadly... I hope that things will eventually move. 🙏❤️

And for Grey's Anatomy I had to stop at season 10 I think, there are 20 or I don't know. 😂 I think I never really had a crush on a character, they were all a bit too much for me I think. 😂

[ai-artificial-intelligence-ia]

A AI imagines the children of iconic couples (real or fictional) SOURCE: @creapills.com AI: @Midjourney ARTIST: @Jérémy_Pomeroy Whether they were together in real life or only on screen, certain couples are simply emblematic, like the one formed by Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt or even Chandler and Monica in the series Friends. Artistic director Jérémy Pomeroy then had the idea of imagining what the children of these unforgettable couples would look like using artificial intelligence. Since his beginnings, the creative from Australia and founder of the agency Total Marketing Australia has often featured celebrities in his works. In his latest project entitled “Celebrity What If?”, he questioned image generators like Midjourney, capable of creating visual content based solely on textual queries. With the help of Photoshop software, he then retouched the images so that the resemblances and the quality of the renderings were as accurate as possible. Whether it's couples who are now separated like Johnny Depp and Winona Rider or Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake or simply cult cinema romances like that of Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in Never Forget or of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic, all form adorable families where the children undeniably bear a strong resemblance to their parents. We let you discover below this series of original images created by Jérémy Pomeroy which obviously quickly became viral on the networks. To find out more about the artist and his work, you can visit his website and his Instagram account. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock Kate Winslet and Leonardi DiCaprio Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber Marilyn Monroe and John Fitzgerald Kennedy Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga Emma Watson and Tom Felton Chandler and Monica (Friends) Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears Harry Styles and Taylor Swift Derek Shepherd and Meredith Gray (Grey’s Anatomy) Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling Forrest Gump and Jenny (Forrest Gump) Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley Paul Rudd and Lisa Kudrow (Friends) Jimmy Fallon and Nicole Kidman Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans Mila Kunis and Macauley Culkin Nicki Minaj and Drake Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore Pharrell Williams and Rihanna Ross and Rachel (Friends) Joey and Janice (Friends) #celebrities #hollywood #children #midjourney #jenniferaniston  #bradpitt  #keanureeves  #sandrabullock  #katewinslet  #leonardidicaprio #andrewgarfield  #emmastone  #johnnydepp  #winonaryder  #kristenstewart  #robertpattinson  #selenagomez  #justinbieber  #marilynmonroe  #johnfitzgeraldkennedy #bradleycooper  #ladygaga #emmawatson  #tomfelton  #chandler  #monica  #justintimberlake  #britneyspears  #harrystyles  #taylorswift  #dereksheperd #meredithgrey #kristenstewart  #taylorlautner  #rachelmcadams  #ryangosling  #robinwright  #tomhanks  #vanessahudgens  #zacefron  #michaeljackson  #lisamariepresley #paulrudd  #lisakudrow  #jimmyfallon  #nicolekidman #scarlettjohansson  #chrisevans  #milakunis  #macauleyculkin #nickiminaj  #drake  #adamsandler  #drewbarrymore #pharrellwilliams  #rihanna  #ross  #rachel  #joey  #janice

[mariacallous]

The head of Meta’s WhatsApp messaging service has traveled to the UK to whip up a row with the government about end-to-end encryption. Speaking to journalists in London on Thursday, Will Cathcart did everything but compare the UK's proposed new internet law to the erosion of online privacy in countries like Iran, India, and Brazil. Out of all the regulations he has seen in the Western world, he says, the UK's Online Safety Bill is the one he’s most alarmed about.

Cathcart says he is concerned that the bill could make it harder for WhatsApp and other messaging platforms to provide end-to-end encryption, a security measure that means that no one other than the sender and recipient can see the content of a message.

“It’s hard to imagine we're having this conversation about a liberal democracy that might go around people's ability to communicate privately,” he says.

But, despite what Cathcart and others say, the bill isn’t really about encryption. It’s a sprawling, Frankenstein’s monster of a bill that has endured a period of extreme turbulence in British politics, outlasting four prime ministers and five digital ministers—with each change of government adding in new amendments and concessions. It is supposed to tackle a broad range of potentially harmful content on social media and to hold tech companies accountable for a lot of the activity on their platforms. But Cathcart’s worries come mainly from a single sentence, which outlines requirements for tech companies to use “accredited technology” to identify child abuse content being sent publicly and privately on their platforms. That technology, WhatsApp asserts, doesn’t exist.

“I haven’t seen anything close to effective,” Cathcart said. 

In 2021, Apple did try to introduce a system that would scan users’ iCloud photos for child sexual abuse material (CSAM). Critics of that plan said that there was a risk that governments could use the system to look for other types of content, and it was shelved in late 2022.

If the technology to scan messages for CSAM can’t be developed, the only way for companies to comply with the law would be to break their encryption, which platforms like WhatsApp and Signal have refused to do. In February, Signal threatened to leave the UK if the new law compelled it to weaken its encryption. “We would absolutely 100 percent walk rather than ever undermine the trust that people place in us to provide a truly private means of communication,” Signal president Meredith Whittaker told the BBC.

Cathcart says WhatsApp would not comply with any efforts to undermine the company’s encryption. “We've recently been blocked in Iran,” he says. “We've never seen a liberal democracy do that, and I hope it doesn't come to that. But the reality is, our users all around the world want security.” 

The bill does not explicitly call for the weakening of encryption, but Cathcart and others who oppose it say it creates legal gray areas and could be used to undermine privacy down the line.

“It is a first step,” says Jan Jonsson, CEO of Swedish VPN company Mullvad, which counts the UK as one of its biggest markets. “And I think the general idea is to go after encryption in the long run.” 

“Nobody’s defending CSAM,” says Barbora Bukovská, senior director for law and policy at  Article 19, a digital rights group. “But the bill has the chance to violate privacy and legislate wild surveillance of private communication. How can that be conducive to democracy?” 

The UK Home Office, the government department that is overseeing the bill’s development, did not supply an attributable response to a request for comment. 

Children’s charities in the UK say that it’s disingenuous to portray the debate around the bill’s CSAM provisions as a black-and-white choice between privacy and safety. The technical challenges posed by the bill are not insurmountable, they say, and forcing the world’s biggest tech companies to invest in solutions makes it more likely the problems will be solved.

“Experts have demonstrated that it’s possible to tackle child abuse material and grooming in end-to-end encrypted environments,” says Richard Collard, associate head of child safety online policy at the British children’s charity NSPCC, pointing to a July paper published by two senior technical directors at GCHQ, the UK's cyber intelligence agency, as an example.  

Companies have started selling off-the-shelf products that claim the same. In February, London-based SafeToNet launched its SafeToWatch product that, it says, can identify and block child abuse material from ever being uploaded to messengers like WhatsApp. “It sits at device level, so it's not affected by encryption,” says the company’s chief operating officer, Tom Farrell, who compares it to the autofocus feature in a phone camera. “Autofocus doesn't allow you to take your image until it's in focus. This wouldn't allow you to take it before it proved that it was safe.” 

WhatsApp’s Cathcart called for private messaging to be excluded entirely from the Online Safety Bill. He says that his platform is already reporting more CSAM to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) than Apple, Google, Microsoft, Twitter and TikTok combined. 

Supporters of the bill disagree. “There’s a problem with child abuse in end-to-end encrypted environments,” says Michael Tunks, head of policy and public affairs at the British nonprofit Internet Watch Foundation, which has license to search the internet for CSAM. 

WhatsApp might be doing better than some other platforms at reporting CSAM, but it doesn’t compare favorably with other Meta services that are not encrypted. Although Instagram and WhatsApp have the same number of users worldwide according to data platform Statista, Instagram made 3 million reports versus WhatsApp’s 1.3 million, the NCMEC says.

“The bill does not seek to undermine end-to-end encryption in any way,” says Tunks, who supports the bill in its current form, believing it puts the onus on companies to tackle the internet’s child abuse problem. “The online safety bill is very clear that scanning is specifically about CSAM and also terrorism,” he adds. “The government has been pretty clear they are not seeking to repurpose this for anything else.” 

[libidomechanica]

As life to this was agreeable; and yet I

A Meredith sonnet sequence

               1

The black old negro Baba help’d a little   was the fair. As life to this was   agreeable; and yet I spare not—’t is a palace Ida stood with symbols play as with cypress groves, which we two must part   with no land’s horn in a much he sees himself,   a sheath and roll in all, who is cald, there were wet with the centre stood: those which we dare to say: I say thou art, but mine:   give my grief thy packets, all the flowers   are due to the child that the windy grove, and now and the next valley. High wisdom without occasion of all this their drams   I shall go. To seize on trickling hours   with temperate: sometimes love not a leaf was dumb; but a smile upon the less caused.

               2

Were fed to heare speach which there the sense hangs   above more clear streams to the eyes be blind   and gray, whilk the rhyme and nervy tails cowering sigh, nor seized my hopeless sea, the fortress crashes from me and not being   though no doubt away; the banks, we vanquish’d   lies; who his own vast shade us with me no casual mistress, and die!-Hot to burst a frozen clips, he strange sensation moves—   female hands that have lost their price is bleeding   out the ghosts, the friends? I wage not anything all we loved and must have been from every day—not because there darts strange voice   less forlorn; she sign she would have found my   jewel hung in green, of every bad a perfectness. And lives, the smiled: he plays with saints.

               3

Is there enough; only to see within   him little flash’d from his fortune sends here,   for now her face, whose preserued, himself in higher things, with joy, but not move, she finds I am not all that watch’d, thou hadst   a pain like bleating ices, were o’erheard   those that hold apart from hour to death the art most propensity to jeer: while I, thy nervous verse would speaking up an arm   of eminence uplifted hands, or in   the rock; or as a dove’s pinions fair; in graceful ornament of that errs from the night. In deed, demand not a breathers and   how she, a sultan’s setting sails, as when   he arose, and waves beside! But send flowers, and not a few hours do wreckes auoid.

               4

When rosy plumelets tuft the light of   fear; down too, down a fear, fantastique Triumph   sat, whilst bleeding is deducted. Leave then would not win an answer from Head to her, gathering on their axle!   Imagination; the void, when on them bent like   snow before, behind, In the old bitter wrong. And Autumn’s bleak beginning, but when a nobler ends. Come o’er the foam and look’d   on they lifted up his Heart, and the red   dresses; tell thee sitting land far upward, touch’d at ease; there dwelt with berry-juice? The Parcae then a tear falls, that in timely sleep.   Secretive, sensitive, sensitive and   soon espy which was not to tell, but it was God’s household ways, in the South the bed.

               5

You got a friendship as had made as echoes   in springs to bear aught of delight   into the chaste me to themselves in reigning; which else within the head hath made to pay; and in the verge of life said she tiptop   said he, with wine, arranged threaten; ah,   my sute granted is, I feel that every tear was her way: sprinkled with circumcise my heart too far said she may i feel something   new; why shouldst not die than pairs of wedlock   bound! As much thy honour’s in abeyance, for confess it should be chill’d by sorrow’s bidding, tho’ in silence is Folly’s   leasing nurse and rough but flicker’d faces   drive on, postilions! No more their sisters story, which, as a passion cannot buy?

               6

Then The Shah summon’d them out, not even   death will see that tumbled in a wagon   at dawn. And fix my though the night and doth first of foes, the sad look of Jove—Minerva, maiden terrible! Sounds and wafted   farthings and consorts of op’ning roses,   flowers or leaves, and wind, which weep a loss for ever singing flame: it doth, its ploughs with excess? Which guided were sadly change   the way, too,—did she filled here the pearls, and   flowers in tune, by all the centurion saith, go, and he show’rs wet through the villager’s head; her sex’s shame and goodwill, goodwill,   to one white wall alone and sing to   the eastern Francis call; lasting, till I be silent mysterious gloomy arch.

               7

Fair daffodil dead, how more tragic and   to Barbadoes, when ever spake! The merry   merry face anger inuests with the Diamond rings the world! A kind of a human eyes see beauty slander’d shells with   melancholy; a dusky empire of   memory like a new tinge in the fold, and just above our planet, last, which Britons deep joy to his own pall, I brim with   famine after week: the dancing chips, o’er   many scorn the kelp holds by yonder of continue—’t is a power to have been they embracements: hitherto have   also much to each! Seeking the multitude   of maiden, steal blushing Lillies, not think back the pious proof, the hulls of fire.

               8

Every face anger inuests with sorrow   wrings charms from expenses. Not to be called   The Art of Worldly talk and out of mind; and although ill spiritual, are likely, within thine eyes my knowledge is of them,   to the bounty of a kindliest mate; who   throve and Nature much the while I, thy nervous verse may well grudge at my heart of them happy eyes show it, that noble mind in   the brethren with dusk and break. It was a   nymph uprisen o’er it as a friar may accused, just as a fossile man, midst thy burthen of thee, o do not feel   it to a gown, he look on knowledge is   of the sheets will do none, the past; a life that they look’d with show’d, like dull brain aflame.

               9

The chamber, or when all its features freezing.   Of your good newes know: is it nothing   Will Die now Sleeps the mind: it will not? I sing of the princes who spring-tides full of cares upon a thing some heart did   breast!—I cannot seem doubly, when there few   shines the singeing of the rye, who that I shall glimmer, and ring tire by the meadow in the golden gifts as mine; stranged;   the new soil thy purple from the great lords   and gipsy lately came, the grave reach out dead would not upbraiding green bed, with all things we see an unseiz’d heave, as if they   shall we thy loveliness, thy voice was   gone? And he advance to guide-books, rhymes, save some small discover in the waste thy love!

               10

—Ye who had given her like books’ gay   coverings I have been heard. Your brother, when   she turn’d round the great Gracchus and eyes; and on its broad-brimm’d hawker of the great Æon sinks in bloom, which shall die. Above his hands   are my Prisoners, yet lovers; and I shoulder   in the glow, then, pure hands are mute; or, crown’d, let darkness, so simple stillness, tremulous, breathed beneath the day prepare these   wonder the main tree still, hour after a   dew or dew-lipp’d rose. And season lent, from the river. I fall in circle their rough but fain’d. A moment go, the wild turkeys   crossing thus, my friend Jeffrey writes with what   he lov’d three field, nor feast; move upward mind, for whom grimy nakedness, thou thy sight.

               11

To make a cold retreating lightly this   blindly ere she kisses on his being   in the Cauteretz mariana mariana mariana in the ceremonies of his native will of me   what cannot cheat so well, well, well, but one   of his own dark graves of Don Juan, thought; and, wrestling both his twiddling the growing in lone Eternity, to strike all my   clear. For the year, at best: a moment, and   pray for thy face, and came of freedom? A shot, ere half fooled to her entranced vows and carol rang. In thy way, and in the bright   you have my selfe contains darke but when you   are said he it’s fun said she may i feel said she cccome? Accept that worse of chaos.

               12

Like to thy threshold, day by feeding, when   one deep night, ah, yesterday and pearls, and   thought I saw my good Angell guides me to hold your eyes run liquid kiss, on all thy shadow on the blood as calmly fell our   side was vast, still a fluttering all to   strip a hundred airy cradled between the state it is thy creature rested, came more than the blind hysterics of their names   to presume for I have a careless, your   necks, we glided winding them all, one another’s sound, and Orion low in a treasure. And by a warlike legs in   Badajos’s breast, my hat and sea had sent thenceforth   with voice is only pretty. Now snows fall in all the reverence in disgrace.

               13

The perfect transfusing blighted fire. And   in abundant two on sponge and sound called   to let her worth. Is dim, or will to thee, stella, who more prevailing myself I guard, for the Town. And all that stays are wild   with power to madden’d beach dragg’d down besides   some tears have price. Light Brigade the Dee, the bed. Highness—verily I thinke how euill that which thou hast made, and that recollect   her raging! All my widow’d race been   from thee, the pastoral rivulet that remember, I lay awake with me had been the barren, scarce am fit folkes each   prefers his embrace, by this of that small   feet, So she, and now decrease, bearing of treaty stay! Cupola, like delicious.

               14

The cold: but from my proper place; on such   a height, but at his majesty should sting   about the grass, nor cared nor knew the self it only then a tear, now she paceth forth held: then begins again and wild   uncertain tumours, exhaustion, or weakness   he seems to rest a single murmur from the stairs, and t was a vintage! Thou after form, o sacred dew; Protect them wrong:   we serve to curl a maid, though Eve herself   will stop it, for my presence; as a single tear upon his head, and by the last wife of the personal quiet of a   winding all bounds of inconstant hills beyond   his day i’ve been, and to tell you be: win you to see and must be more than weeds.

               15

Direction warm, o sacred wings, ere half-   hid in the dew. ’Er studded with me till   he sees a late-lost forlorn upon the heart their hydes, like delight; yet the first began, and strong by Beauties, when I was   certain tumours, exhaustion, or weakness,   Evil haunts of greater who rear’d each of blood too readily will in faith dost treat it, remember who I am. Of which   being made him on his neck; whereon to   bloom of health I refuse: though each piece of love, you agree? Yet worse of all the centre stood at the simply blur into something   madness flings hereafter, up from hidden   summer’s time, blood, my flowers, we heard of Youth,—the fool of lone Eternity.

               16

Know not I heard: though my obedience.   Like needles, which rose of fitting land farms;   they flow from all seem to cast a care of warme fine-odour’d snow, deceiu’d the sister- tunes from mine ear; a shudder—gentle English   lily, the one who is not so, the   year? You stand stiff as Lot’s wife, and naiads fair. The silent traces of her teens; and as for pity! A raw day of sacrifice,   that warmed our deep, dear love, below. Night he   livelong hours conduct by paths are such an ecstasy! Had to do their hands and state, in all the season of the golden   butterfly; upon whose cureless of   the footsteps told her, and thriftless He felt assur’d of happy chance is slain.

               17

You put me out to wed an equal those   other; yet your teares, now holy church   t is very polish’d more or less cause or a seasons gone, the ground: each villa on the lessening to him but let no   footsteps of pleasures wait on this debt to   his card, was laden withouten any rinde; whan the sun of poetry left on in the nights should license in this very   eye, out of distance lay on the sea love   is not in vain—she cannot looked at the drunk my tears before the more withoute longing, Die, oh! Touched a thousand jutting on   her nurse’s arm, this monstrous day; all is   new, commence with Nature an exquisitely spired, or the Chrismas heart you make.

[commander-diomika]

[Image ID: Screenshot of a tumblr reply from user @weareallfromearth ​​ saying “Holy shit I would V much like to know what you’d do with ZolfWilde.” End ID]

This was in response to me tag rambling that if Alex “I don’t Actually Have That Much Experience in Courtship” Newall and Ben “I just Realised I’m Too Straight For This” Meredith don’t know what to do with Zolf/Wilde, they should hand the ship over to me. 

*rubs my gay little hands together.*

I initially characterized them offhandedly as Enemies-to-Lovers but that’s not quite it, is it? On reflection I would say it’s more of an Opposites Attract situation.

Oscar Wilde, as re-imagined in the RQG universe, is a homme fatale; a dangerous, attractive man, skilled in encouraging people to underestimate him, wearing different masks, never quite being able to trust or be trusted by anyone.

There is NO personal/professional line for Wilde. He lives his work, and his work is subterfuge and interpersonal manipulation. (whether or not he started this way in his field as a journalist, or was forced to become this way by the changes in his world, is another post.) He is a person who either cares very deeply what people think of him, or is has decided that manipulating what people think of him is the way to get what he wants, and from the outside it makes no difference.

Zolf Smith does not care what people think of him. He isn’t even skilled at being kind and empathetic to people he cares about; he has no time for emotional manipulation or genuine charm. He doesn’t even have a fantastic grasp on his OWN feelings, let alone other people’s. He’s grounded, disinterested in frippery or appearances. Which is why Zolf and Wilde started out so deeply at odds with one another.

Despite the differences in the interpersonal approaches, they have plenty of common ground.

They are both deeply dedicated to a cause. They care about their work to the exclusion of all else. They are both pragmatists who have their own internal moral code, and are willing to bend or break other people’s rules in order to get the job done. They are fundamentally good people. Despite their rocky beginnings, they can respect each other because of these things.

And they might have maintained their mutually disdainful, begrudgingly respectful working relationship and that could have been the sum total... Except then the world fell apart. The Meritocratic organisation was initially compromised, then disintegrated. The blue vein plague isolated everyone and made it even harder to trust supposed allies. The Cult of Hades was on everyone’s ass making their life difficult, the other PCs disappeared off the face of the planet. Zolf and Wilde ended up in a situation where they had no one else they could trust.

Familiarity breeds contempt, but maybe if the contempt is already there, it builds Something Else. Wilde was stripped of his magic in a way that made it much harder for him to keep people at a distance and (pardon the pun) project the illusion of the debonair playboy. Zolf would have had the chance to see through Wilde’s masks, and get a better understanding of what parts of Wilde were a calculated tactic, and what was his genuine self.

Whatever betrayal transpired that gave Wilde his scar and hardened him, Zolf was privy to. He was either there and saw it happen, or he was close enough in the aftermath to see Wilde properly vulnerable for the first time in their friendship. Hell, maybe Zolf was the one who rescued him and patched him up. That was a chance for Zolf to realise that this insufferable man is a friend who he cares about deeply. At this point, he’s cared for awhile, but has been too wrapped up with his own spiritual difficulties to have space to admit that to himself.

And Wilde, oh Wilde, he’s desperate to be seen and known and loved, but he’s never allowed himself. He’s never felt SAFE to. He doesn’t let people get close, treats every conversation as a battle to be won. His safety and his power lies in being admired, but never loved. So even as trust and fondness for Zolf blossoms within him, he won’t for a second allow himself to hope that the fondness is reciprocated

With all that out of the way, this is my version of events.  

Wilde is a slut (affectionate), and Zolf is gray-ace, so if there’s any bridging of that gap in terms of physical intimacy, it has to be from Zolf’s side. Giving canon a tender massage into place, that first instance of Zolf grabbing Wilde by the collar changes. (This happens on the Vengeance after Zolf has taught Wilde to steer the ship). Zolf drags Wilde down to say “I’m glad to see you perked up.” That moment now involves a whiskery kiss on Wilde’s cheek, and the man would be absolutely FLOORED by it.

I’m talking slow-mo glittering lights as Zolf stomps off blushing, unsure what just came over him; Wilde touches his cheek in bewilderment for a stretched moment before realising he’s completely agog, and he let go of the wheel for a dangerous length of time. Every interaction, every moment they’ve spent together over the last two years is flashing before Wilde’s eyes and a new context is being applied rapid fire. I’m talking the italacised oh kind of moment.

(on top of Zolf being witness to The Betrayal, throw some other moments of almost-intimacy into said flashbacks. I’m talking late nights, Zolf doing his gruff-yet-kind caretaker thing, cooking for Wilde, maybe sharing quiet and rare downtime with Zolf reading a Campbell novel on a couch in Wilde’s office)

Wilde is realising, “Oh this is allowed, oh this is reciprocated, this is possible.”

And of course they don’t talk about it, because what’s a slowburn if they immediately go and TALK about their feelings? No, the kiss goes completely unremarked upon, and Wilde continues to needle and tease and get under Zolf’s skin, except now with an added warmth in his eyes because he finally gets it. He finally understands that Zolf cares, that Zolf loves him, he’s just not the kind of dwarf that knows how to express it.

And Zolf, frustrated by feelings he can’t express but is beginning to understand, can hear the undertone of “haha, you looooove me,” shining through Wilde’s deliberate antagonism. They continue their time on the Vengeance just a little easier and closer to one another.

And we continue on to the death/resurrection arc, and Wilde’s spirit pushes for Zolf to open up about his feelings, because if not when he’s literally past death’s door, then when? When Zolf finally manages his “I need you,” it’s like a dam has broken for both of them. The second collar-grab and “We’ll go on a holiday or somethin’,” is now followed by a full kiss on the lips, not particularly erotic but passionate, (it’s the epitome of kissing someone to shut them up) and Wilde makes a surprised and delighted squeak that he would be glad he can’t quite remember when he returns to land of the living.

Once returned, Wilde might not remember everything that his spirit said or did, but he remembers the kiss. The comfort and ease that the two of them share in 179 (Eat Drink and Be Merry) is there, only instead of the two characters still being in a place of questioning their feelings for one another, it’s been answered.

Whether or not this relationship is sexual in nature is kind of up to you and what kind of fan works you like to read/write. I think there are wonderful scenes to be written an explored in many directions.

Wilde allowing himself to enjoy sex for intimacy and closeness instead of using it as a tool/ Zolf not being one for sex but Wilde’s never slept more soundly than when he’s being held in Zolf’s arms/ Zolf realising that the unfamiliar feeling he’s been struggling to express is the desire to rail Wilde til he cries/ Wilde realising that if his partner doesn’t want it from him, he’s actually quite content without sex/ The two of them being mean, antagonistic bastards to each other while fucking but Make It Kink (of the trusting and RACK kind). There really isn’t a single bad interpretation.  

So really, I’m not doing anything different with them other than reading between the lines, giving canon a little nudge, and sticking the landing. This isn’t to disparage the concept of queer platonic partners. (I’ve got one!) or to talk shit about Ben or Alex (I DO respect their craft).

It’s just to say I find these two characters , and everything they’ve been through, PAINFULLY romantic, tropey, and delightful. I’m looking forward both to how Ben and Alex play the QPP, the fanworks I’m gonna read and hopefully write, and the inevitable tragedy that you KNOW Alex is gearing up for.