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prorevenge · 5 years

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You don’t want me to sleep for 9 months? Ok, guess you don’t need your degree.

So, I wasn’t sure if this story qualified for pro or petty. Everything I do, over the course of this, is extremely petty, but I think it probably is what I would consider a ‘scale up’ from low tier revenge, mostly on account of the last part.

So some backstory. This was about 6 years ago, during my first year at university. In the UK, you basically have two options for accommodations in your first year. The first option is called Halls, you stay in a huge apartment complex with a bunch of different students, you share a floor with about 10-15 people. Or, you go to a student house, which is basically a normal house, that some greedy landlord converts all the available space into bedrooms for 5-6 people (but, this is not always the case, in my second year I lived in a house with 15 people, many Petty Revenge stories there if I find the time to type them out). Anyway, I chose the latter.

I moved into what would be a 3 bed house, turned into a 5 bed. What would have been a living room, was converted into a bedroom below my room. 3 of my housemates were fine, we were civil to one another, but not really friends, we just lived different lives. We would go out for the occasional bevvy, have dinner together, but mostly just coexist peacefully. Notice how I said it was a 5 bed though?

Enter housemate in question. Let’s call her Cathy. Cathy was of African descent, very rich parents, sent to live in the UK to study Engineering, as the educational system in her native country was very poor. She was short, fat and quite obnoxious. When I moved in, I made a point of introducing myself to everyone. My first impression of Cathy wasn’t great. An issue I noticed immediately (of which persists throughout the entirety of our living together) is that Cathy f***ing stinks. You know when you work out for 4 hours but you crash out and forget the shower before? It was like that x1000. It was extensively unbearable. On top of that, Cathy is really rude. She basically starts out by saying she’s been here for 2 years already, and she wasn’t gonna change again this year. This had me a little concerned, but at the time it wasn’t a huge issue, I told her I kept to myself a lot, so she wouldn’t see any problems from me.

The first week or so I didn’t notice many problems. I was out partying hard during most nights (at English University, the first week is called ‘Freshers’ where everyone goes out and gets wasted for a week the week before studies start) other than some of my food going missing, and dirty plates staying on the side. F**k it, it’s week one, it’s fine.

Then Cathy rears her ugly head. So, I’m going to bed at 9pm the first night before studies (I had an hour commute to my campus and 1st day I wanted to be very awake) and I hear her shouting downstairs, she sounds very excited. I would find out tonight that Cathy is an avid gamer. Now myself I love games, I have late night sessions all the time, but I’m respectful of my housemates. I lie in bed, awake until 2:30am, hearing Cathy scream at her monitor and the sounds of a shooter in the background, very loudly. I didn’t want to be a bad housemate, so I let it happen. I barely slept and I went into my first lecture completely exhausted from sleep deprivation. I figured it was a one off, or it might happen every now and again. I was very wrong.

This carried on for 4 days before I said anything. On the Friday, I approach her in the kitchen and politely say “hey, don’t want to be rude, but can you try and keep it down a little late at night, I can hear you loud and clear through the floor and it’s really messing with my sleep. I don’t wanna be rude but I’ve noticed it’s been happening a lot”. She basically tells me I’m overreacting, she’s doing nothing wrong, nobody else has complained so it’s not a real issue. Cathy shares a wall with another housemate on the ground floor, so when she gets home I ask her about the issue. Turns out Cathy gave her the same spiel as to me. We knock on her door and ask what’s the problem, together. She gives us this whole sob story about how hard it is to make friends, that her online friends are her family, they live all across the world and she doesn’t want to break that relationship. I feel bad (stupidly) and tell her I totally get it, but just try and be a little quieter on weeknights. She says “I’ll try, maybe” and we leave it at that.

That night I slept fine. I thought it was over. The next night she’s screaming again, but it’s the weekend, so I get high as a kite and fall asleep in the bathtub. Sunday night rolls around, she’s screaming again, I can hear the sound of her rifle firing in game and she shouting obscenities with every shot. It gets to 11pm and I go downstairs and knock. Nothing. I wait a little while and try again. No change. I try again, same, so I go into the back garden and knock on her window. I hear her shout F OFF a few times and give up. I go to bed, but not to sleep.

This happens for the next few weeks. She screams, I go to confront, she screams at me through the wall till I leave. I approach her in the day, and she tells me she could hear me, doesn’t know what I’m talking about, I must have been DREAMING, think of a bs excuse and it’s probably on the list of things she would say.

So begins the revenge. I start by just going downstairs, flicking the power off and on for the router, and going back upstairs. The house is kind of old and creaky, so it’s pretty obvious that as the WiFi goes down, it’s me. This happens a few nights until she confronts me as I’m leaving in the morning. I tell her bluntly, yeah, it’s me, stop with the screaming or things are just going to get worse. She threatens to call our landlord on me. Great idea. I leave the house, go to my lectures, and after Uni I visit the landlord. I tell him the entire story about everything that’s happening, and how hard it’s making our lives. He says he’ll look into it, please be patient.

More weeks go by, no more pranks from me but no interference from the landlord. The night I contacted him was silent, but after that everything went back to scream-a-palooza. I contact him again, he says trust him, no changes. I try again, guess what no changes.

So I start getting pettier. So, I failed to mention before (at least in great detail) that Cathy is messy AF. She would eat, then leave all her plates, pots and pans on the side and return to her lair. For the first month, we just washed them up for her, nobody wants a messy kitchen. But, I was pissed off. So I started a new system. If I see a dirty plate of hers, I’d leave it in front her door. This was funny for a few days until I started finding my dirty plates she used at my door. From this point on, all kitchen equipment that was mine would from there on out live in my room until the end of my tenancy. This went on for another sleepless week until I am awoken by my landlord with a police officer. I’m told I’ve been stealing from my housemates and I need to go to the station. I promptly explain the situation, and my other housemates back me up. The officer clearly is annoyed to have his time wasted by us and leaves. Me, the housemates, Cathy and landlord have a group discussion on how to end the hostilities. We demand quiet weeknights and a clean kitchen, in exchange we (though, really it was just me) will not perform passive aggressive petty revenge. Seems like a fair deal right? No. Landlord said he can’t give any ‘preferential treatment’ so we need to stop regardless. I’m glad to say though, even though this guy was an awful landlord, he never interfered again, allowing for further pettiness to ensue.

So, back to revenge. Cathy would run an Ethernet cable from the modem to her computer, along the floor and into her room. I would start by unplugging this cable any time she was screaming. Cathy then started taping the cable so it was harder to pull out the socket. It got to a point were our hallway had a huge mess of tape and wire going across from the router all the way to her room. But f**k Cathy. I bought a roll of the same tape she had used, waited for her to leave the house. I had to wait 3 weeks for this opportunity. When I finally had the chance, I pulled up the tape, took a pair of scissors, cut the cable and taped it all back down. How she got into university was beyond me, as she didn’t figure it out for a few days. I slept wonderfully those nights. She confronted me days later and accused me of my crime. I simply denied it, and slammed the door in her face.

After this it was fairly passive aggressive both sides. Any time I heard noise I’d unplug the cable. She started eating my food (so I ended up buying a mini fridge and storing all my food in my room) and she would regularly throw out my belongings if I left them around the house. It was all getting a bit much. Mid year, I bought a cheap, turtle beach headset. I knocked on her door, and offered it as a peace treaty. I said the noise had to stop, and the revenge was starting to get out of hand. Please, take the headset, continue to enjoy your games, but I desperately need sleep. She took the headset, said thank you and promptly retreated to her room.

(As a side note, I’d never seen her room up until this point. It, was, disgusting. Old food everywhere, wrappers and cans. Her bed was half a space to sleep, half pizza boxes and rubbish. The smell was so bad, that after the conversation I went upstairs and threw up. I would only see the inside of that room once again until I moved)

So, overly generous peace offering? Yes. But I was desperate. The lack of sleep was really starting to affect my work, social life and relationship. I hoped it would turn a new leaf. Well, no. All night that night, screaming. I woke up the next day, and had a smoke in the garden. As I was pacing, I looked over at her window. Hanging out the window, I see a very damaged turtle beach headset. I decided in that moment, to destroy her.

Before I get into the big stuff, here’s a few c***ty things I did on top. I would pour salt into her milk and juice. Any time she left the house, I would cut the Ethernet. I put toothpaste onto her door handle. Any soft drinks she bought? Took them to class and donated them to my friends.

Anyway, so you notice that I said I had to wait 3 weeks for my cable prank? I became very aware that Cathy barely left the house. She was 100% not going to lectures or assignments. I started posting letters to her faculty posing as her parents asking for updates on her studies. After a few weeks she would start to get into shouting arguments with her parents over the phone. I then started ringing the faculty to let them know when she wasn’t in attendance. Our university had a relaxed approach to this, but all courses were expected to have an 85% attendance rating, or you’d face potential problems. After speaking to her staff supervisor, she had a whopping 23% rating. After a few more calls, it was established that she would have a ‘meeting’ as essentially a case for her to plead herself as to why she should stay. I took the time to somewhat befriend her supervisor, and asked if I could be present at the meeting to profess my story to aid in her expulsion. He agreed. As the days to her meeting rolled up, it was clear (due to the arguments with her parents on the phone) that she would not be staying here if she did not keep her position on her course. She began cleaning up after herself, and actually spoke to me semi-civilly begging me not to speak to the university any more. I told her, if she didn’t shout any more all the way to the hearing, then I’d retract all of my previous statements and give my verbal support to her staying. Zero noise. I slept like a baby for 3 days. Thursday night (meeting was the Friday) rolls around.

A final note, whenever Cathy did get up in the mornings, she had an extremely loud and obnoxious alarm clock, which would be on ages.

Thursday night, I give each of my other housemates the run down, and ask them to either skip town for the night and let it run its course. 2 stayed 2 left. Come 9pm, I proceed to invite my entire society around for drinks. 30 people in our tiny house drinking, shouting and playing loud music until 3am. Cathy comes out angry, begging, at one point in tears telling me to stop. But F this B, she had this coming. I go to bed at 4:30am. I wake up at 6am. No noise in the house. Good, she’s asleep. I go downstairs to the switchboard, and cut the power. I go out, eat breakfast, and go to the meeting at 8:30am. Much to my delight, Cathy does not turn up. At 9am I give the committee a full rendition of the past 9 months of hell, and proceed to strongly advise expulsion.

Afterwards, I call my university and fake having the flu, asking for a recovery period of 4-5 days. They accept, and I go back home to see my family for a week.

I return to a house one less occupied, with a few stand out pieces. In front of my room door, the now almost dust turtle beach headset. LOL. But, I ventured to her room. The smell had not left permanently, but it was bearable now. Many of her possessions were gone, but many left behind, most notably her printer and several pieces of balled up paper around it. Firstly, balled up print out copies of flight tickets to her native country, and a flight map. A letter from the university, denoting her immediate expulsion. A letter from our landlord, noting that as per the tenant agreement, if she cannot find study again within 28 days, she will be forced to leave the house. And finally; the creme de la creme. A letter, clearly intended for me and the housemates that she gave up on, telling us how this was all our fault and one day she would come back to haunt us.

(source) story by (/u/Tucker_Design)

#prorevenge #by /u/Tucker_Design #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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everlarkficexchange · 5 years

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The Virgin (Social) Suicides

WRITTEN BY: @ally147writes

PROMPT 85: Katniss makes unsettling discovery that everyone in her close and extended group of friends has dated at least once and sometimes even each other. Except for her. The “late bloomer” teasing (b/c she’s never even been kissed) stings. Older boy Gale crosses paths with group, finds he shares common interests with Katniss, they get together to hunt, leads to him casually inviting her out for a real dinner date. Not feeling desire but pressure to “get it over with,” she accepts. Peeta has regrets. [submitted by @567inpanem]

NOTES: I desperately wanted to have this complete, but uni conspired against me. A million thanks to our angel mods, @xerxia31 and @javistg for holding this exchange, and allowing the extra week 😊

This is parts one-and-a-half (ish?) of a (probably?) four-part story. I won’t be posting to AO3 or anywhere else until the rest of it is complete. Parts 2, 3 and 4 are all between 30% and 75% complete already, so hopefully it won’t take me too long to wrap up.

Unbeta’d. All errors are my own.

Rated M for swears and discussions of sex (or lack thereof)

Thom and Lavinia’s engagement party is a sedate affair, which Katniss never would have guessed. Whenever Thom or Lavinia were left in charge of planning anything, it always started with them drowning themselves in cheap beer at Abernathy’s, got a bit muddy somewhere in between, and ended in a trip to the hospital for someone to get their broken wrist or dislocated shoulder set.

And once, to the police station, to face indecent exposure charges.

The doing of their mothers, Katniss supposes. (Probably a smart move, considering the alternatives; no one’s engagement party should end in a holding cell). They’re perched by the string quartet, amongst a cluster of white rose bushes, their oversized, feather-trimmed hats knock against each other’s with every exaggerated, bird-like nod and squawking laugh they release, while their husbands make awkward small-talk by the fence overlooking the golf course.

How they’re out there like that in the sun, in dark suits and all, Katniss has no idea. She dabs a napkin across her damp hairline and peels her sticky skin away from the plastic of the chair. An afternoon in the sprawling gardens of the Snow estate, when it’s pushing a hundred degrees out, isn’t exactly her idea of a good day — if she weren’t part of the bridal party, Katniss would have skipped out hours ago. Add that to the cocktail dress she all but shoved her body into and the hair that’s falling out of her braid and sticking to her glossed lips, she’s about ready to revolt.

But, she concedes, Thom’s parents are loaded up to their eyeballs, and they’ve made sure there’s free — mercifully cold — booze everywhere, so bottom’s up.

The happy couple don’t seem to mind the heat, or the change in pace too much. The groom-to-be dips his laughing bride over his arm and kisses her square on the lips, swaying along to the soft tones of the violin strings, the intimate connection between them somehow the simplest thing in the world. The scene should inspire at least a smile — she’s happy for her friends, right? But it tugs somewhere deep at Katniss instead, unrelenting and unrepentant, leaving behind an odd sort of hollowness, demanding more yet leaving her starving for… something.

“They’re sweet together, aren’t they?” says Madge as she sips her champagne.

Katniss shakes her head, but she can’t stop the nagging in her gut. “Yeah, I guess. It’s a little sickening, actually.”

“You would say that, wouldn’t you?”

“What? They’re hunting for each other’s intestines through their mouths.”

“You are absolutely disgusting.” Madge swipes a celery stick from their shared crudité platter and nibbles at it like a rabbit. “Please stop speaking.”

“I’m still not wrong.”

“I guess it is kind of funny, though,” Madge goes on, chomping through the celery. “You’d never guess he could be so doting. I mean, when I dated Thom, the nicest thing he ever did for me was give me the olives off his pizza.” She sighs and smiles an odd little smile as Katniss’ hand freezes with a cherry tomato halfway to her mouth. “I guess it really does change everything when you meet the right person.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” She drops the tomato, and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor, where someone will slip on it later, probably her. “You dated Thom? As in, Thom, Thom?”

Madge arches a plucked brow. “Well, yeah, a while ago now, not long after we first started college. Well before Lav was in the picture, if that’s what you’re worried about. I thought you knew about it; we were all friends then.”

Katniss frowns and tries to dredge the memory — what would Thom have looked like then? Was this during his mohawk days, or after? “For how long?”

Madge quirks her head to the side, and not a single strand falls out of her intricate up-do. “I don’t know. A few months, maybe? Not a long time.”

Katniss taps her index finger — unadorned with polish, to Prim’s everlasting dismay — against the pristine surface of the timber table. “Is it… weird? Being friends with him now, I mean?”

Madge laughs. “Kat, if it was weird to hang out with someone I’d dated before, I’d have to find a whole new group of friends.”

“Why?” Madge smiles that weird little smile again, and the urge to slap it off is overwhelming. “How many of them have you gone out with?”

“Uh…? Let’s see.” Madge counts them off on her fingers, like there’s a real need to keep track of them. “Thom, Darius, Gloss. Leevy a couple of times, too, but that was over pretty much as soon as it started. Oh, and Peeta once, as well.”

Katniss chokes on a piece of cucumber. Oh, god. “Peeta, too?”

“Yeah. What’s the matter, Katniss?” Madge flashes another grin as Katniss knocks back a hearty sip of her drink. “Jealous?”

“No!” she exclaims. But without even meaning to, she finds Peeta across the courtyard, where he’s entertaining Lavinia’s many nieces and nephews with embarrassing Dad-style magic tricks. The sleeves of his starched, pale blue dress shirt are pushed up around his elbows, and there’s a rogue curl stuck with sweat against his forehead. He meets her eyes and smiles at her, as warm and tangible as a touch. Her cheeks flood with heat and she tears her gaze away. God, it’s like they’re in school all over again.

Madge shoots a grin Katniss can only describe as shit-eating, and it’s all she can do not to throw her remaining champagne in Madge’s face.

“No, of course you’re not,” Madge says, like she’s talking down a screaming child. “That would mean you had a soul or something.”

There’s nothing she can say now that wouldn’t incriminate her further. Katniss turns to the dripping glass of ice water at her elbow and drains it.

“Well…” she says, once she’s certain the nuclear blush on her cheeks is under control. “Why’d you only go out with him once?”

Madge smiles that stupid little smile again. The secret one Katniss has no insight to or context for.

“Peeta’s… very sweet. He’ll make the girl he’s got his eye on extremely happy.”

The words are innocuous, but something in Katniss seizes urgently. “Peeta’s got someone in mind?”

Madge nods and adds solemnly, “Has done for years now.”

“Years?” There’s no good reason why this information should make her want to break something. None at all. “Why won’t he make a move?”

Madge snorts, and the sound is weird coming out of someone so refined. “Honestly?” she says, as she flags down a waiter for another class of champagne. “I’d say he’s terrified. The girl isn’t exactly one who’ll take his declaration with open arms.”

She shouldn’t — she knows she doesn’t want to — but she prods anyway. “You know who she is?”

“She was pretty much the basis of our one and only date. He didn’t think he had a chance, needed someone to wallow with, that sort of thing.” Madge smiles a dreamy sort of smile and tips her eyes closed. “God, we got so drunk.”

“…And?”

“I’m not going to tell you!” Madge nudges her with her bony elbow, but the effect is ruined by the draping, bell-sleeves of Madge’s deep-aubergine dress. “Ask him yourself if you’re that curious.”

Yeah, there’s not a prayer in hell of that happening.

“So,” Katniss says instead. “Have our friends always been so… incestuous?”

Madge rolls her eyes and, for the first time since this awkward line of questioning began, looks vaguely annoyed. “Katniss, what’s the problem? I’m pretty sure Annie and Finnick are the only other completely monogamous people we know. Johanna’s dated pretty much everyone, too. Cato made the rounds too, before he got his shit together with Clove. Darius dated Lavinia, too, when he and Thom were roommates. That’s how she met Thom in the first place.”

“So… yes?”

Madge laughs and sighs at the same time. “It’s people in their mid-twenties being people in their mid-twenties. Honestly, I’m surprised you never noticed before — it’s not like Johanna’s discreet about it or anything — but I guess you’ve always been a bit…”

“A bit what?”

“A bit… I don’t know… pure, I guess?”

“Pure?” She spits the word out like poison and leaves it in the air.

Madge pats her arm. “There’s nothing wrong with pure, Kat. It’s just… we’re twenty-five now, you know? You don’t need to be so embarrassed about anyone else’s love life. Hell, maybe we should get you a nice date of your own, so you’ve got something else to focus on.”

Heat crawls up her chest and settles in her face. Her fancy cocktail dress feels way too small and way too hot.

“Uh…”

“Kat…”

“… Yeah?”

“You have gone on a date before, haven’t you?”

“I… uh… no?”

She’s not sure why it comes out as a question. She sure knows about her complete and total lack of love life; no need to have other people confirming it for her.

Madge’s jaw drops. “You’re kidding.”

“Why would I joke about that?” she retorts. “And we’ve been friends for how long, now? How didn’t you notice?”

“I don’t know! It’s just that…” She scrutinises Katniss like she’s a wayward science experiment. “Really?”

Katniss rolls her eyes. “Yes, Madge. Really.”

“Not even in college? No one? Nothing?”

“Is it so hard to believe?” Katniss snaps. “No, Madge. I have never, not once, ever gone on a date.”

“Well, you’ve… you’ve at least had sex before, right?”

Heat fills her cheeks until she’s sure she’s about to melt from the pain of it all, though she’s got no idea why it embarrasses her so much. It’s normal, right? Or normal-ish, at least. And it’s not like she planned on it happening. Or not happening. Whatever.

Her virginity isn’t some sacred, precious jewel she’s carting around in a bubble wrap-lined basket. And it’s not something she’s hoarding, just so she can get down on bended knee and present it to The Right Guy when The Right Moment comes along. It’s not a personal choice, a feminist statement or even a religious one. The opportunity to do so just hasn’t… come up, so to speak.

And it’s fine. She guesses. Most of the time, it doesn’t even bother her. She’s had enough going on in her life that it isn’t something she’s missed, or even had time for. And it’s not like she’d be any good at any of it, anyway. The hand-holding. The intimacy. The kisses.

The sex.

The mere idea almost makes her shudder. She’d suck. And not in the sexy way.

It might be nice. Maybe. One day. When she’s good and ready to make it happen.

Until then, though…

“Uh…”

Madge’s bright blue eyes blow wide. “Katniss!” she shrieks.

A hundred people turn and stare at them, Peeta included, not even slightly helping her blush to fade faster.

“For the love of God, Madge, would you keep it down?” Katniss swats at Madge’s arm and hisses down at the table, “No, I’ve never done… anything.”

Madge lowers her voice to a harsh whisper. “Not even kissed?”

Right on cue, Thom kisses Lavinia again, long enough for it to get awkward. Katniss scowls and looks away. “No, Madge,” she mumbles. “Not even kissed. Or held hands. Or hugged or by someone who wasn’t an immediate family member.”

“What about yourself? Do you masturbate?”

“Fucking hell, Madge, really?”

“Okay, sorry. I just…” Madge gives a tight laugh and shakes her head. “I… You cannot be serious right now.”

“What part of this is so hard to believe?”

“I don’t know. I mean, you’re gorgeous, for one. A great person, kind, generous, brave, loyal to a fault. Anyone would be lucky, you know?”

Katniss snorts and drags a carrot stick through a warm bowl of hummus. Why couldn’t they have held the party indoors, like normal people? Yeah, maybe she’d still be getting the third degree, but at least the condiments might be cold. “Yeah, no. I don’t think so.”

“Well,” Madge starts, leaning in so they’re a hairsbreadth apart. “Have you ever… you know, wanted to?”

There’s no right way to answer that question. If she says yes, she’s as doomed as if she answers no. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Are you…” Madge stops, starts, opens and closes her mouth like a fish blowing bubbles. “Have you ever thought that you might be ace or something?” She holds up her hands and all but yells before Katniss can say anything, “Not that there’s… it doesn’t matter if you are or anything like that, I just thought… maybe you’re —”

“— No,” Katniss cuts in, before Madge can hurt herself. “I’ve had… you know, crushes and stuff before, I’ve just never been in a relationship, and I wouldn’t have rejected one if it came along.” She shrugs. “It just never did, and I’m okay with that.”

But, is she? God, and she’s always thought of herself as an enlightened, modern, don’t-need-no-man sort of woman, too.

“Honestly, Kat? You’ve probably been hit on a thousand times, but it never registered in your head that it was even happening to you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just that… I don’t think you’re aware of the effect you have on people, that’s all.”

Katniss frowns at the wilting crudité platter. “You’re making me sound like a heartless bitch.”

Madge rolls her eyes. “Of course, you’re not a heartless bitch. I’m just saying you should… I don’t know… open your eyes a little, take a second look, you know? Someone might really surprise you one day.”

Again — completely against her will, she swears — she finds Peeta across the courtyard. This time, he doesn’t look up from pulling a coin from a little girl’s ear. “I’ll think about it.”

“You definitely won’t, but I’ll give you a pass for tonight.”

Katniss cringes. “You’re not going to make it your mission to get me laid, are you?”

“This isn’t a shitty eighties movie, Katniss,” Madge says as she pushes her seat away from the table and stands on her ridiculous four-inch heels. “So, no. I’m not going to try and get you laid. Now, let’s go dance or something; it’s a party, for God’s sake.”

XXX

The next time they’re all together, at a reasonable temperature and in normal clothes, Katniss surveys her friends with a strange, acute sense of awareness she didn’t possess before. Annie perched on Finnick’s lap, feeding him pretzels like coins in a slot machine; Cato and Clove with their arms wrapped around each other so tight it looks like it should hurt; Johanna and Bristel with their tongues so far down each other’s throats that they’re probably going to leave and do God knows what before their next round arrives. All of them know a sort of intimacy Katniss can’t even begin to fathom. All of them… except her.

And it’s… weird. Like she’s on the outside of a joke that’s been going on for years.

How are they all still friends? How is it all so… natural for them? Granted, it’s not like she’s got any insight to what’s going on in their brains, but it must be awkward on some level, mustn’t it? How can you share so much of yourself with one person, then pretend like it never happened? And then, how can you do it with four or five or maybe even more of the people you hang out with the most? Katniss can’t wrap her mind around any of it.

Only Peeta, sitting beside her, seems to notice her out-of-body experience.

He nudges her ankle with his foot beneath the table and leans in to whisper, “Are you all right, Katniss?”

She shivers at the warmth and scent of him, of cinnamon and dill and all kinds of other delicious things. He’s never smelled bad in all the time she’s known him. “Yeah. Just, uh… weird day.” She tips back her gin and tonic and almost chokes on it.

He nods, thoughtful, and takes another sip of his own drink, the only one he’ll have for the whole night. “That sucks,” he says, and she can tell he means it, too. He smiles, and another shiver races through her. “Wanna talk about it?”

She shakes her head. “It’s nothing. Just the usual.”

“Another drink, then?”

“I think I’m done for the night, but thanks.”

He shrugs and takes another sip. “No problem.”

“Hey… is it true you dated Madge?” She wants to punch herself in the face as soon as the words leave her mouth.

He almost spits out his drink. “What?” He coughs and thumps his chest with his fist. “She told you about that?”

“She just mentioned it. I had no idea.”

“It was… uh, a while ago.” He drags a hand through his curls and surveys her with something almost like worry. “What else did she tell you?”

“Not much. Just that you guys went out a couple of times —”

“— Once,” Peeta cuts in, a tendon in his jaw twitching. “We went out once. Years ago.”

“All right.” She holds up her hands in surrender. “Sorry for mentioning it.”

“No, Katniss —” He breaks off with a sigh and twirls the last of his beer around in the bottle. “Yeah, Madge and I went out. It wasn’t a big deal. We were both dealing with… I don’t know, shitty personal lives, I guess?”

“Madge said it was to forget a girl.”

Jesus fucking Christ, would someone please, please, cut out her tongue?

“I… uh…” He chugs back the rest of his beer in one feel swoop. Awesome, now he doesn’t have to watch her tear at her hair. “I guess it was kind of like that. I think Madge had just stopped seeing that Blight guy? It was… a while ago, that’s for sure.” He looks at her critically. “Why do you ask?”

She lifts one shoulder in a half-shrug. “I don’t know. Just, she mentioned it and I was… curious, I guess.”

His lips quirk into a hint of a smile. “Curious about what, Katniss?”

Yeah, her brain taunts her. Curious about what, Katniss?

Even if she knew, she’s got no clue how to go about admitting it to Peeta, of all people.

“I don’t know,” she mumbles at her empty glass. “Nothing, I guess.”

Now, the concern is back full-force. “You sure?”

Not really, but she’s not so sure why or what or how anymore. “Yeah. I’m sure. But I think I’ll take that drink now, if you’re still offering.”

He flags down the nearest server and says, “Yeah. I think I might, too.”

#Springtime Edition 2019 #submission #ally147writes #Prompt 85 #567inpanem

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dxmedstudent · 5 years

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Thanks, Facebook!

I’ve been going through my facebook suggested friends list and I was struck by how... distinct the categories were. And how odd. I really wish it would just let me disappear people once and for all, because it feels like it is always trying to get me to add the same people. Or maybe it’s not the same people but it always seems to come up with so many. The first category was... people I have so many mutual friends with. But just because I have 32 friends i common with someone, doesn’t mean I know them. My year at med school had over 300 people in it, and I’m a faceblind introvert who minds her own business. There is no way I have had meaningful interactions with all these people, no matter how many mutual friends we have. Medicine, in particular is a small world, and we all know a lot of people, but I don’t see why I should add every person I shared a lecture theatre with, or shared a hospital with. I’m so glad that I block people I stop talking to, because I can foresee lots of now-defriended exes being recommended to people purely because of mutual friends. I can see why their algorithm would assume I must know these people, or even be very close with them, but the’res a difference between ‘these friends all hang out and therefore probably know each other’ and ‘these 40 people work or go to university together, so they’ll all want to ‘friend’ each other. Sometimes I really have no clue who these people are. Most of the time, actually. Occasionally, I do, but I know them so little that I might as well not know them at all. There are a lot of not-particularly-close-friends’ siblings, cousins, partners whoI have never met, and may never do so. And parents, though friends’ parents tend to the the kinds of people who love to add you on facebook, and you can’t say no because you do think they are OK but this is all sort of a bit weird. Even if it’s a close friend, I may I love my friend and know their sister, doesn’t mean I need their grandmother or aunt or friend I’ve never met, on my facebook. Maybe we’ve met a few times, and they are a friend of a friend, but we’re not really close and I can’t imagine they need to see my hilarious museum photos ported from instagram. Sometimes it’s other people’s partners - who I’ve never met, even if we do have friends in common. I can’t really see any good coming of me adding everyone’s husbands who I don’t even know, no matter if we have a few mutuals. I’m fairly sure most people I know aren’t that weird kind of possessive jealous partner who vets their partner’s FB friendlist, but I can imagine that in friend circles things might get awkward. That reminds me of the threatened dating app feature of facebook; particulary the ‘crushes’ element where people can nominate people they know. Given that if you’re a grownup avoiding confessing your feelings, it’s probably for a reason, it just seems really ill-thought out. And even if you are going to have an affair, it probably shouldn’t be conducted on social media sites with a patchy privacy history. It’s all just deeply weird and I hope facebook doesn’t try to integrate whatever they are planning in any intrusive fashion. There are also people I know but I’m not adding for a reason; people I don’t like, people I used to like but it wasn’t reciprocated, people I’ve had beef with and are now no longer in my life, and anyone who I might have gotten to know through them. The most awkward of these is an ex-friend’s current girlfriend. I’ve met them, and I’m sure they are a lovely person, but I really think that’d be more drama than I could handle. Others are just people I thought were OK, but just never gelled with well enough to let them in on my life. Or people who seemed OK in university, but after years of not really talking, there’s just... not much to say? To be honest, I’ve been having the strong urge to go on a bit of a social media cull and just... quietly restrict my circle to people who are meaningful to my life right now. I’ve been resisting, but really, I do want to pare things down. I do like when it picks up friends from work, though facebook often doesn’t pick up the people I necessarily want to add, rather, it picks up the people who seem to add everyone. The people I want to add are often a bit more reserved, and I am always left wondering if I’m intruding by ‘friending’ people from work, partly because I myself am quite a private person who doesn’t want to let many people in. People rarely make the cut these days, but every once in a while I make friends that I really want to carry with me after I’ve moved hospital and changed place. I’m a bit shy when it comes to adding colleagues on Facebook; I have to feel pretty comfortable with a colleague before they make the jump to a highly curated version of my profile. And consultants? Never make the cut. You do not make friends with your boss. There’s a whole slew of older relatives I’m very deliberately not adding. They can live their own life, but I don’t particularly want to be their entertainment when it comes to the rumor mill, I am fairly sure my cousins curate their facebooks even more rigidly, for the same reasons. When I can tell you that some of my relatives are known for being both extremely talkative, nosy and blunt to the point of offensiveness, you can see why I might not want them nosing around my every post; it’d just make things less fun. There are some relatives whose suggested profles or friend requests are currently being considered, as I try to work out if my current privacy setting for relatives is restrictive enough to make me happy to add them. It’s not even like I add anything particularly controversial or salacious on facebook, I am what most people would describe as a boring person. I just don’t feel comfortable with opening up my profile to lots of people, and I don’t want to feel self-conscious if I put something up. I could say that it’s my issue, but given that my relatives are pretty blunt (see any of my ‘why aren’t you getting married?!’ posts), my self-consiousness with relatives has a pretty obvious cause. I do however, like to use facebook to keep up with some relatives and family friends; living abroad and doing my own thing means I don’t see some people who I really care about as much as I would like to. And whilst anyone who is really close to me is actually on my Whatsapp, there’s a place for people who aren’t my best friends or immediate family in my life. If I’m honest, my facebook mainly exists for keeping up with people like that; who I care enough about that I like to know they are doing well, and that I can catch up with them once in a while, but we’re not on whatsapping terms. And also for some of my best school friends who never seemed to get the hang of regular texting or whatsapp or even email; for some of them, these only exist to arrange meetups, where real interaction happens. Being a busy person with a horrible timetable, that is personally the opposite of how I feel, but I try to keep up with their lives as best as I can. Facebook did pick up the guy that I’m seeing; no mutual friends so I was a bit surprised at first. I assume it uses information from instagram and Whatsapp, which we prefer because unlike facebook they allow you to conduct your love life discreetly, rather than entertaining your friends and relatives like the local panda breeding programme. We discussed ages ago that we’re both not fussed about social media, and since update each other often and spend lots of time together IRL, it wouldn’t really add anything apart from old holiday photos, embarrassingly dorky comments and likes from 15 years ago and my slightly embarrassing fanart photo albums (Oh god, don’t dump me because of terrible, terrible Naruto fanart, I’m begging you! I can change!) there’s no rush. Thinking about it, I’ve already seen his old holiday photos, so I’m good for now, thanks. Don’t get me wrong; he’s wonderful and I’d have no issue with him being on my profile, he could see what he likes and I’d be happy to be ‘connected’ to him. But there’s no privacy on facebook from your extended social circles. We’ve reached the point where the people in our lives have heard of the person, but haven’t gotten to know them, and I feel it’d be gentler to introduce each other in each others’ lives much more fully before our friends and family start judging the person we are dating due to their truly mediocre selfies or choice of likes on facebook. I avoid having my older relatives on facebook partly because I know they’d be tittering every time I added a male friend or (heavens!) a man wrote a comment, so.. just no. I just hope he doesn’t come up as a random suggested to anyone close to me; that seems the kind of thing FB’s creepy algorithms could throw up. That’s because for me, the weirdest category of recommended friends, by far is people who I do know but have no mutuals with, and who I’ve never interacted with on social media- I don’t even have their number. We’ve never shared so much as a whatsapp message. By reasonable standards, they should not be suggested to me, and yet, here they are by some dark force I cannot understand. I can sort of see how some of my distant cousins might be picked up by Facebook’s algorithms, but FB is also giving me colleagues who it really shouldn’t know I know. I don’t ever have my place of work on FB, don’t list my location (though it might be mentioned - not geotagged - on some photos) and we have no friends in common. It’s funny that I actually quite like some of these people, so occasionally they make the jump, but I just find it weird that FB has figured out we know each other. I wonder if it’s due to geographic location? It does make me a little afraid of how good the algorithms are getting. There’s also people it thinks I know that I do not. No mutual friends. No similar geography. I assume they must be people a couple of degrees of separation from either uni friends/ colleagues or relatives, but I fail to see why facebook even tries to sell you these people. Where do they come from? Who knows. Anyhow, I’d love to hear whatever awkwardness FB is selling everyone else, or if someone actually understands their friendship algorithms.

#facebook #personal #my life #dxdates #dx dates #social media

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mental-health-advice · 6 years

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Submission from Remy

So right now I’m 24 years old (female). My story is long but basically, I have had some form of severe manic depression for most of my life and developed a chronic illness around 19 which made it very difficult to deal with having a mental illness. I had to stay home for being sick and developed agoraphobia from the fear of getting sick away from home. Now I’m still living with my parents (who are in their late 60s–they had me late; it is also important to mention that they struggle with mental health as well) and I feel like I can’t grow up or move forward with my life. I do take meds and see a therapist and a psychiatrist and do have a pretty good team of doctors that help me but sometimes (a lot of the time) it’s really difficult for me to talk about things so openly. I can’t help but feel that by the time I make enough progress to really live my life, my parents will be very very old or (hopefully not!) dead and I’ll be in my 30s and alone. I don’t have any close friends because I live in a rural area, can’t drive at this time (extreme fear of it because a car accident when I was young), and have trouble with social interaction and making new friends. I don’t really know how to be 24 because I feel like I’ve been living the same life since I was 19, maybe even 18 because that’s when the chronic symptoms began. I don’t want to still feel 19, I want to live as a 24 year old woman, I just know that right now I have limits because of my illnesses and it’s hard for me to feel 24 when I still can’t drive myself places or when I haven’t really gained the mindset of a 24 year old yet. I just…feel like I’m stuck. And yes, I often wish I could go back to being younger so that I could choose things differently and be better prepared for the position I’m in now. I know that this kind of thinking isn’t productive and rationally I try to avoid it but sometimes it sort of creeps up on me and when it does, I really struggle with living my life. I feel overwhelmed with depression about my current state and my past, and anxiety about the future. I try really hard (when these thoughts come along) to tell myself that I need to forgive myself for not being good enough for myself in the past, but it’s difficult when I’m not making much progress in the present. Today, for example, I fell into a really deep state of depression where nothing, not even the things that usually make me feel even a little bit better, sounded remotely interested or appealing. I just felt so alone and immature and empty and it was just…a lot. I thought about whether or not I was feeling suicidal and tried to observe that but the truth is that I wasn’t. Killing myself didn’t sound appealing. But neither did continuing my life. I wasn’t dissociating because I knew where I was and could move and function and interact. But I still felt so far away from the rest of the world and I feel that way quite a lot. It’s like I said, I have medication and doctors and help but sometimes it’s still not enough. I don’t want to kill myself, but honestly, sometimes I feel like feeling this way–this way in which I’m stagnant and stale and alone and disconnected and empty, is almost as bad as how I feel when I get suicidal (which I don’t much anymore, mostly because well–I want to live!). I don’t know exactly what I’m asking for so I’m sorry if this was too long and I hope it didn’t overwhelm you, but I guess I’m just wondering if you had any advice to offer for someone in my situation.

Hey lovely,

Thank you for reaching out to us! I know that mustn’t have been easy for you. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling so much. I’m glad that you have a good team of doctors helping you! Unfortunately it hasn’t solved everything, but it’s better than not having them at least. I also think it’s important you discuss this with them too. They’re there to help your health, this includes both your physical and your mental health.

I don’t think there’s a certain way ‘to be 24’. Everyone is at different stages of their life, even when they’re the exact same age. I have a friend (who are my age) who has finished her Bachelor’s and Master’s degree already and has already bought a house and is living together with her boyfriend, living the working life. I also have a friend who just started their second year of college and will be studying for a couple years still. And then there’s me, I started uni but had to drop out a couple times due to my mental health / treatment and if there is ever a point I can start again it will take years of studying still (I’m 23). The reason I’m telling you all of this is because it really is okay you aren’t at the same stage in your life others might be. There’s such a good and valid explanation for it. For some people 24 is a lot different from 19, for others it isn’t really. There isn’t really anything wrong with either. I completely understand it can feel so frustrating to feel so stuck in your life. When you feel so stuck it can be really hard to see a way out of it all, to see anything changing. Maybe it isn’t about things changing though? Maybe it’s more about learning to feel more positive and at ease with how it is? I know that sounds a lot easier than it is, but I think for now it’s most realistic to work towards that.

Now that you’re in your current situation, it really isn’t fair on yourself to think back to the past and beat yourself up for not preparing better. You didn’t know at the time! You had no idea you’d develop a chronic illness, landing you in this position. When we know more about the future, we often beat up our past selves, but we didn’t know at the time. At the time we did what we thought was best for whatever reason. Getting to know more information might have changed what we thought was best, but back then we didn’t have that information! You couldn’t have done better at the time, you didn’t know. It’s good you’re trying to avoid thinking so destructively, I hope the more rational thoughts in this paragraph can help a little with that.

You’re good enough. You’re good enough for yourself. There’s nothing you need to forgive yourself for, besides maybe being too hard on yourself. Sometimes not getting worse is enough progress already. Sometimes that’s hard enough already! It’s really hard to see it like that, but if there’s been a time where it all gets a bit worse every week and then there’s a week where it stays at the same level, I’m happy with that already! It’s a stability. It’s not ideal, as we’d really like it if that stability was at a bit higher level, but it’s a starting point and it’s better than a constant crashing.

I think what you’re describing with not wanting to die but not wanting to live either would be described as passive suicidal ideation. This is something a lot of people struggle with, so you’re definitely not alone in this. Feeling so empty and disconnected can definitely be just as bad as feeling actively suicidal. It’s really different so it’s hard to compare, but feeling empty and disconnected definitely is super difficult and should not be underestimated!

I really wish there was something I could do to change your situation, but unfortunately that’s a bit outside of my control. My biggest recommendation would be to continue discussing options with your team of doctors so that you eventually maybe find something that makes everything slightly easier. Small steps! You can get through these super tough feelings. If you want to talk, we’re always here with a listening ear. I believe in you <3

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

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obscurelistening · 6 years

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2017, a (rather late) year review (chapter 2 of 3.)

‘Are you going to kiss me then?’ - Reece

Boy. Dating. Again? Men? Damn. For the past few years (basically since being at uni), there has always been this strange sort of feeling around Valentines day. I remember back in 2015, being almost infuriated walking down one long road and seeing about 8 or 9 couples holding hands, the date of course being in February, so not so long after I’d just finished with my first boyfriend Josh.

Come the next year, that feeling was just pure sadness. 2016, was a bad year for dating, but boy, 2017 was even worse. Or so I thought. In February I didn’t care about having someone, I just wanted to never see another person ever again. Never have I been that close to booking a flight to a spontaneous European destination, and not telling anyone where I was going.

But, come summertime, the degree was over, and I was more receptive to dating other guys. Really I think I always am, but it just so happened that it coincided conveniently at that point in the year.

Skip forward to June. I’ve just got back from my holiday with my housemates, they’re gone, and I’ve been chatting to this fairly chatty and attractive guy called Owen, he seems nice, and within a couple of weeks, we agree to go for a date. Seems nice enough, I was actually quite excited. Though I did have my reservations, this guy seems pretty damn good looking, where’s he been for the past year?

There I was, stood outside of my local pub, when a few moments later, he turns up, sheepish, not a lot to say, and part of me wondering if he has a learning difficulty? Not in a horrible way, but it was just the way that he made that initial contact, something didn’t seem quite right.

Anyway I dismissed it as shyness, and despite the awkward failed attempt at a hug on my part, and the fact that I was trying to be enthusiastically open, and chatty, (him very much the opposite), we went to get food.

Food was okay, enough for me to invite him to go for a walk to the park with me. That, I actually quite enjoyed. What we lacked in conversation and the ability to find common interests, we made up for by making out with each other through basically ever twist and turn. It was enough, I thought, after the kissing, to go on another date. Perhaps he’d be more chatty. Yes he seemed disorganised as hell, and clearly lacking in some social skills (who gets to June and still hasn’t got confirmation from his ‘friends’ if they’re all living together?), but I was willing to give it a go.

So, a week or so later we went for drinks. I, as per usual was running late. Which meant he’d been sat in this local hipstery bar for at least half an hour. He’d had a couple of drinks, but thank the lord he couldn’t seem to care less. He was content enough to see me.

The date continued, through extremely stifled yawns - when I say extremely I mean, we’re talking one every few minutes (yes the conversation was that dry), and through his musk which said ‘I haven’t washed my clothes in about 2 months’ (yes I smelt it the first time, but assumed the damp weather and the fact he was moving house... you know what, I don’t know, I just gave him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not like he smelt bad, he just smelt stale...) - I was able to just about survive. Except, when the muffled yawns became too much, and I was drunk enough, that I invited him back to my place.

Looking back I’m not sure why I did it. I would’ve been much happier simply to just go back home and enjoy the bed to myself. Hell, failing that if I needed some company, that’s what grindr is for right? Just get someone over for a cuddle...

But no, I was stupid enough to do that. So we popped back to his place, to get some things, his friend was there, and far more talkative than Owen himself. Then it was to mine. Clothes came off, and after some touching we fell asleep. Ah bliss, I can have a cuddle and not have to try and make the most strenuous conversation with a lad that smells like damp swimming trunks. The next morning, he’s rushing to my bathroom to throw up. ‘Hmmm I think to myself’ ‘Smells, throws up profusely after a few drinks, can’t hold a conversation, and from what I felt last night, has a small cock’, and on that note, he accepted my offer to walk him home. And with that, my first, and first awful date of the year.

The perfect guy?

Honestly, I don’t think dating someone can get much worse than that. Maybe if he’d thrown up over me / my bed, and didn’t have a penis at all, was mute maybe? Then sure. But he did pretty well to let it go that astronomically. With that in mind, and the fact I went home for the summer, dates didn’t really happen for a while. London Fetish Week was coming up, I had a wedding to play for, my 21st birthday, and then a family holiday. I was never really in one place for longer than a week. And to be honest, what’s the point in going on dates with boys at home? We’ve done that once, and look how well that one turned out...

So roll on September meant rolling on some new guys. And that’s where Reece appeared. It was a similar fashion to before. Chatting to a guy I found fairly attractive on grindr. Okay good, I’ve sent more than the only pic that makes me look acceptable and he’s still talking. Oh look he want’s to go on a date. Great, let’s do it, he seems nice, chatty, and I find him attractive.

Meeting inside the same pub this time, and wow what a difference. This guy was fairly attractive, smiled when I came up to him, and within minutes we were talking and laughing smoothly. It was great! He had a slightly camp voice which detracted from his overall masculine demeanour, at least that’s how he’d appeared on photos, but who cared? I was having a great time with him. Before I knew it, we were off to get food together.

Again, the conversation flowed nicely, and we were getting on like a house on fire. More drinks continued to flow and we continued to get pissed. Great, we ended up in a drag bar, I was drunker, and apparently, a lot camper, and we were holding hands, much to the amusement of a mocking drag queen. But where do we go from here? I’m really enjoying this date and the company, oh wait no he just said it ‘so when are you going to kiss me?’ ‘Well, right now I guess?’, in my head I was thinking I wasn’t ready, I’d wanted to hold his gaze for a good few seconds before proceeding with that, but then again, maybe my lazy eye had been holding his gaze the entire time and I’d just not known. Either way, we kissed, and to be honest that kiss felt good, really good actually. Really damn good.

Boy, I want to see him again. But that wasn’t a problem, because little did I know, he hadn’t booked a hostel ( he was commuting to uni), and so I invited him to stay at mine, and like with Owen, this time at my request, we simply cuddled. Great. He left the next day and we’d already arranged our next date. It was only a few days before our next date, and we went for lunch. Nice enough so I thought, and after a brief lunch and a kiss on the lips, he went to uni, and I went home to do fuck all, as one does when they’ve graduated and are unemployed.

Well, we had a couple of more lunch dates, and they were nice. His company was nice enough, but it wasn’t progressing. It had been four dates by this point, but I felt I knew him less deeply now, than I did after date one. It was time to up the ante, and I did so by asking him out on another evening date. Lunch dates were always rushed, and with him, it felt so adult, that it didn’t feel like we should be having in-depth life discussions during such dates. So we went on an evening date, him booked into a hotel, and me, making sure he wasn’t going to end up back at mine this time. And again, that was going nicely enough. Food, and then some drinks in some gay bars, it was all going well. And with the alcohol, I pushed for more depth. I would have loved to know what drove him, the deepnees inside of him. Has he ever been in love? Has he had a relationship, been heartbroken? What’s his family situation like? And I pushed for those things, and largely I got answers. But with it, I got no depth, he’d not opened up in a way that allowed for any deeper understanding. And in a way, that would have been okay, absolutely fine. Clearly I would’ve had to have worked harder for the answers. But, I didn’t feel there was actually much more depth for him to give. Little more information for him to divulge, while at the same time, I wasn’t feeling telling him my life story either. For the lovely, talkative and chatty guy that he was on the surface, I quickly began to realise that beyond that layer, we actually had very little in common. Even his views on gay sex were what I’d called archaic, I’m more muscly and less camp than he so I must be a ‘top’, and that’s not ‘fluid or every susceptible’ to change, sex happens in a certain way etc etc. Well no it doesn’t, and there we are, I’ve found out more about you, and I just don’t think we work. This coupled with the fact that in-between dates, there has been no in-depth chatting or conversation, texting, or anything of that ilk, then the solution is simple. You’re a lovely guy Reece, but you’re not for me. And with that, we have the dates of 2017.

‘I wish I could give you a hug right now, and tell you just how much I loved you’ - me

If I look at one thing that has shifted dramatically, it’s my relationship with Dan. I don’t think I ever imagined it would get to the place that it would get to, or the place it would be in now. As far as I knew, the bad stuff was mostly over, by January we were fine again, the stuff off the old, September 2016 had been dealt with, and we were able to continue being friends. Or so, as I have often naively thought, was the case. The thing is, with Dan, it has never been simple, and unfortunately I feel that that is often a recurring theme of our relationship.

After all the shit that had happened, between the summer of 2016, and October that year, things were finally in a good place. We were getting on and enjoying spending time with each other. Come December that year, another leaf of openness was turned, as I revealed how much of a sexual deviant I was. Not only was I open with him sexually, asking him opinions and for advice on what I was going to wear to the fetish New Years party, but I felt like we were extremely close for the first time in a long time. It felt like first year again, 2015. None of that buillshit of second year of not speaking, for once, everything in our relationship was actually perfect, almost. There were underlying difficulties though. He’d revealed to me just how much he still thought about and cared for Tom, and this was far before January had even began to fully unfold. But whatever, it wasn’t so much of a big deal I thought, it wasn’t going to affect our friendship. A more mounting concern was over his heart condition, which was pretty scary to me. Not knowing what could be causing a supposed perfectly healthy 21 year old to have a heart rate the pace of a squirrel was concerning, especially when healthcare professionals were weighing up if there could be serious implications.

Either way, come the start of January 2017, we were back in Cardiff, and it was business. We were talking openly about the situation with Tom, for both of us, the prior academic year. It had been mad for me, accusations that I was going around and hurting him, and things just being miserable for me, for Dan, him dating him and connecting with him in ways he’d not experienced with others before.

That was all well and good, but out of that drew a sadness for me. Which we discussed at length. One night at a party, I remember texting Dan to say how emotional the situation was making me, and we told each other how much we cared for each other. With that, after I’d come back from the party, he came over. We did some sexual stuff. Nothing more than we’d done before. To me, it wasn’t some part of a sexual awakening or renewed or invigorated sexual episode leading to more escapades. Purely at that moment, there was a lot of emotion flying around, and us being together at that time felt like the only way it could be expressed. That’s how I see it anyway. Purely a way of expressing those emotions at that one distinct time.

It was probably one of the most emotional, intimate moments I’d ever had with him, anyone. Not only was there kissing, we were literally telling each other how much we loved each other. There was a sexual element too, but this wasn’t the main focus. He’d tell me how much he loved me, and I him, and then we’d embrace and hold each other and kiss each other.

And I knew a moment like that was rare, or more likely, not going to happen / come around ever again / so I tried to enjoy it. However, in the back of my mind, I knew that I had to not let myself fall into the previous traps of first year and the prior months. Looking back, I don’t think that moment made any of those things happen, as in, it didn’t change my feelings towards him or have a newfound perception that there was going to be this new intimacy, not only had I securely reaffirmed in my mind that, despite this one night, this wasn’t to be a frequent thing, that’s not what he wanted, I knew, deep down, that there were upcoming challenges for us.

The landscape was clearly changing. He was still clearly holding strong feelings for Tom, and I think I cared about Dan more dearly at that point than I had in a long time, maybe at any other point.

The Second Year Footnote It’s important to look at the climate of our relationship at that point. Just a few months ago, I’d been wrecked with annoyance. The summer of 2016, saw our friendship crumble. Year 2 had been a bad year for us anyway, and that was largely reconciled at the end of the year during pub golf. Just a few nights before we all went away for the summer, I had an outing with my soon to be housemates and Dan’s friends. While it was a long time ago, I distinctly remember it being awkward, me being in a weird pissy mood with him. By the end of the night though, we were reconciling in Live-Lounge, I was the most drunk I’d been in a long time, and I let him have it. Considering when I’m normally that drunk I remember very little, I’m still surprised that I remember telling him exactly how I felt. How I hate how he’d treated me, and that I’d had feelings for him, but him being a dick throughout second year and us failing to speak, had eventually helped me clear my mind and get over him.

What happened between me saying all of that, to him ending up in my bed is quite a bit more hazy. At the end of the day, little did I know was that I still contained an STI I’d received after Poland. Me believing it had been treated, turned out not to be the case. While giving someone an STI is complicated enough, it’s even more complicated when he has to tell the guy that he has massive feelings for and has just ended things with (largely because of you) that you might have given it to them.

And largely with that, the awkwardness drawn out of that situation, was enough to spell a period where we weren’t really talking again.

Second Year Awkwardness Spills into Third Year

Suddenly third year started off a bit odd. I had Dan, coming into my house all of the time. Playing video games, seeing his other mates, and largely leaving space between us. I remember the first time he came round, the day I happened to move in, in September 2016 to the new place, and his friend Josh had also moved in that day. With my door propped wide open, even though I had a mate in there with me. I just saw him flash past the corner of my eye. Not even a hello, or anything, and he was gone.

‘Oh right okay’ was the first thing that came to my mind. That’s how the atmosphere is gonna be like for this year is it? This kinda thing continued. He’d be often over, not that I’d be aware or informed, see his other mate/s then be gone. Or be round for pres and drinking, and the next thing I knew he’d be out. When he wasn’t here, Josh would often bring him up to their other home mate. He’d mention things, and I’d normally hear about what he was doing just by overhearing. I’m pretty sure it was how I’d heard that he was a growing concerned about his heart.

Things looked largely set to continue, until one evening when he was finally a bit drunk, and came into my room with Josh, who’d come in to ask me something - He kissed me on the head and told me how he’d missed me. But it just didn’t feel right or okay, not with how things were being. So I gave him the cold shoulder. He soon got the message, as he messaged me and we addressed it. After that, things were sorted, and it was no longer awkward. We were finally starting to mend our friendship, so by the time January 2017 came around, not only had we been sharing new and differing aspects of our lives, we were distinctly close compared to prior periods. Great Right?

Back to January 2017

In some sort of strange way, January 2017 seemed like some sort of Romeo & Juliet, Tristan and Isolde moment. The brief time of perfection where we were closer then we had ever been, was short lived. In relation to our timeline, there was this moment where we’d felt so close, and there was nothing getting in the way of us being very close. There was no difficult situation to deal with, no elephant in the room that needed addressing immediately.

I’ll always see this very short lived moment in our relationship as something quite beautiful. Looking back in more recent months, it’s not something that I ever often think about. Because Dan is still a part of my life today, I see our current relationship as news of the day, and that’s something I’m content with in different ways. While it’s far less intense, it’s also far less fulfilling, but it’s something I fully accept, and am more than comfortable with.

That previous moment certainly wasn’t a continuum. Yes, the heart thing was a growing concern, but Tom, this ‘Tom thing’ was growing to become a far bigger deal. That was consuming everything our relationship was worth, not simply a small aspect to how he or I were feeling, but something far bigger, it threatened to swallow the relationship whole - everything we were or had, whole.

The brief context behind Tom, was that Dan had been on a number of dates with ‘the pastors son’, a part French / Flemish guy from a religious family background, who did the same course as I, in the year below us. Before Dan even knew who he was, I’d met him. We’d been on one date, but had chatted continually before that. It got to crunch time and after one short lived kiss, things got out of hand. He started to tell others that we were dating, and shortly after, that I was abusing him. I became distraught, reported it (nothing happened), and I worked to move on with my life. Meanwhile, Dan and I weren’t really properly talking anyway during second year (he had bigger fish to fry), and by the time I’d reconciled with him months later, he’d been dating this guy.

When I told Dan of the back story between Tom and I, things went a little mad, and Dan broke it off. But there was one thing to break it off with someone. There’s another to still be head over heels for them, and be unable to shake intense feelings of yearning and longing for someone.

Enter End of January 2017.

There were small hints that this Tom thing was becoming a growing concern affecting Dan’s happiness. At a course mates Halloween Party that I brought him along to, a girl that I was friends with recognised Dan and made remarks, Dan became very awkward. But there were other moments like these, that when I questioned him, were less to do with these people judging and making small remarks, but more about how Tom was very much, still the topic of the day.

Once he had fully opened up, it became clear how extensive this was. Reading the messages nightly before bed, thinking about him continually, and comparing seeing every other person he’d meet to being with him. He told me that if a mate went for drinks with him, he would leave wishing it was Tom he could be with.

At the end of the day, I thought I knew where I stood. I was never going to fulfil this role, but I still cared and continue to care for him, and wanted what was best for him. So I encouraged him to, situation permitting, push for more contact with Tom.

He may have ceased contact summer prior because of me, but if he felt about him with this much intensity, still, months later, what was the point in punishing himself, especially if he truly felt that he loved this guy.

Come late January / early feb, we had a house party for my housemate (I believe it was his birthday, and Rob and I invited a load of course people, you know to make it bit more fun and less shit. Well that was all well and good, and plenty of people turned up. But so too did Tom, and well it being a house party for Dan’s close mate at the time, so did Dan.

Their level of contact amounted to a couple of gazes across a kitchen table. Well I say gazes, it was more like one of those awkward glances you give someone you hooked up with while they're shopping with their parents. Those brief moments of eye contact left Dan panicking, resulting in him locking himself away, hidden in my room, where I spent much of my time with him that night. Safety?

But after that night, everything changed. This issue, if you could call it that, of how Dan was feeling towards Tom, was growing, and Dan was becoming more and more soul-stirred by this entire thing.

That was it. Something had to give. But let’s not forget how I was feeling. At this point, the growing issue over Dan’s heart health was giving me more and more cause for concern. The level of stress was going through the roof. On one night out, I walked out balling my eyes out having to talk to a friend on the phone because I was that concerned. Yes I was pissed out of my mind, but I’d had no one to discuss with just how worried I was feeling when I was sober, and it all built up when I was drunk. That fear, the fact there was this glimpse, a glimmer that he might not exist, or be around, made me incredibly sad. In fact, just writing this, brings a small tear to the eye. This is well over a year later, with much of that negated.

His heart was my main concern, we were showing more of an emotional connection for each other, and then him coming in loving Tom was suddenly appearing. It was like something out of a film. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t / couldn’t be happening.

So what was to come next? The only thing that could happen, the thing that I pushed him toward. He got in touch with Tom, and for the next month or so, the rest was absolutely fucking history.

The level of contact slowly increased, at least as far as I was made aware, a couple of messages, grew to the point where they were sending strings of messages and conversing continually, and I found myself slowly ignored. I allowed myself to become a little obsessed. So much so in-fact that I could tell if they were messaging each other based on when they both went on and offline on whatsapp in tandem push-pull-push. I’d stare watching for a few minutes then realise I was going fucking mad, and needed to stop.

Not a few days passed, when I received a message. The message.

‘He says we can meet’

///

‘I just saw him, that was really sad, but it is clear now.’

Things couldn’t have been less clear. They met. And we talked about it, I tried to offer him words of reassurance, but within a day or two it became even clearer. The feelings had intensified once more. He was properly holding feels for Tom now.

‘The way we look at each other and stuff’ ‘It’s not just friends’ ‘I can’t see it changing’

We would then discuss at length the future for him and if that future involved a Tom. The answer was simple apprehension. No one knew. There was no clarity, we were just talking and mulling for the sake of mulling and nourishing in this issue. There was no resolution. But with the sun now shining over Dan’s love for Tom, the clouds were forming above and around me. My feelings were becoming muddied, juxtaposed with the confusion and panic over the continuing heart problems. Let’s run an echo test here, ECG there.

It was heartbreaking but as time went on, I’d only work harder to give Dan the answer I was happy for him to hear no matter how much it was going to crush my soul ‘But did you share the emotional connection with Jon that you share with Tom?’ No, the answer was no. Tom was always stronger.

We then discussed love, what is love, what is the difference between loving someone and being in love? I guess the simple answer, reading back through those messages was that I simply was in love with Dan? Was I? If I wasn’t in love, its the closet thing to being in love that I’ve ever experienced.

‘But I can’t deny how it feels good when I get to hug you or hold you.’ If that’s not me being in love then I don’t know what is.

Everything was becoming too much. He was still talking to him every day. And me being me, had to produce a little soliloquy, like some sort of fucking poet.

‘Do you want to know what I propose?’

‘That we take a break. 5 days to a week. Obviously you might be round or something and I’ll be civil. But I think you need some time to get your head together a bit more. I honestly don’t feel like the current state is helming either of us tbh, and I don’t want you be feeling guilty al the time. Take 5 days to a week. We’ll talk then, and see if it’s allowed you to do some thinking, and see how you feel. Obviously, don’t let that change how you do / act about anything else. Just to give yourself some time to actually properly think about things. I don’t think I’m helping.

After some deliberation, it was agreed.

I barely managed 24 hours. Why? Because I’d seen that Tom had posted he was with him on Snapchat. That was it, everything came crashing down, again. That was it, madness looking back on it.

Breaking point.

Of course, I didn’t mention that in-between these events, when I said breaking point I meant it. I was avoiding making contact with other people. I was starting to turn off my phone or leaving it at home when I went about my day to avoid having to respond to people and see messages come up. But most importantly, I didn’t want to see or be reminded of Dan.

So the next best thing was to go to a counsellor. I went to a drop in session, so close to despair. I blurted it all out ‘I’m in love with someone, that loves somebody else, and they could be dying. They’re probably not dying but there’s talk of this irregular heart rhythm, being related to something not right in the brain and I don’t know what the hell is going on arghh oh my god’. The latter part of that sentence, closer to how my mini ‘describe whats wrong’ speech was actually formed. But words to that effect came out.

‘Okay, we can probably get you some counselling for all of that.’ In the mean time, ‘drink plenty of fluids and get exercise.’ Wait I’m sorry, I went to see someone about my mental health not about me trying to loose my beer gut. okay then…

Life continued, I self medicated. I would ring my best friend from home daily, sometimes two or three times, and just tell him everything. My mental state was so bad that, in the days leading up to my election campaign I was inches from catching a train home to stay back with my parents and confessing everything to them. And when I say everything, I don’t know where the start, and where the end of those confessions would have happened. I didn’t go home. Waking my housemate up at 3 in the morning to go for a 2 hour long walk solved things luckily. What a time to be alive. Back to day to day life:

More soliloquy’s pursued.

It had all been ‘building up’ to this moment. If that were quite possible. It was the ‘final time’ he was going to see Tom. Talk things through with him, and maybe resolve to never see him again. Somehow I’d managed to work up and conjure thoughts in my head. The craziness had well and truly kicked in again by this point. I was so desperate to see what it was that he loved about him so much. What was it, that he had, that I didn’t. What could he provide that I never could, why did he love him so much.

I walked out the door. I walked around, taking a break at a particular spot to see if I would see them. But nope, nothing. That was pointless, I’d worked myself up for nothing, desperation to see them together, see how they could interact, only sent my mind swirling. Especially with the knowledge that he was going back to his that night.

Back at home, barely tucked in, thumbs were busy at work…

Closing thoughts: I want you to really think this next couple of weeks about how you really feel about Tom. I bet you're spending the night with him tonight.

The pain for me right now generally is unfathomable. It feels like a betrayal to tell me you love me then rush to see him so quickly. But. I can and will get through this. It's going to take a long time though. You have to know this is something you just cannot be here with me for. You know. I find this weird because to most people, they wouldn't even consider doing what you're doing by seeing someone who had caused someone they cared about so much pain. They'd be like fuck that shit and not want to take things further.

Which says to me, that he must be really so very special for the fact that you are having great difficulty in ending things with him and that you would even go as far as you have done in terms of seeing him. I don't think you want to hurt me, and I'd like to think that losing the relationship that we have must be a high enough stake to pay if you're willing to still consider seeing him.

For us, I think honestly think the fact you've gone this far has to spell the end of what we have together. It simply cannot be and cannot work in this way. Spend the next couple of weeks to really think properly about how you feel about him. I don't want you to think about me. Because honestly mate, I think we are past this point. I just don't see how we can ever get past this point. As I've said before we've always been doomed 😂.

I'll always love and care about you. And that's what makes this so tough. But I can't allow you to hurt me anymore. And I know you don't want to. So I'm doing what's best for the both of us, and saying that I think this is it for us man. We have hit the end. This is that brick road. That one thing we can't overcome together. And I really wish it never had to be like this. Words cannot describe how much happiness and joy I wish your life to have. And I hope I've given you a fraction of that and that you've enjoyed my company. I just don't see how we can go back from this I really don't. I'd love to hear what you think. But I know your head isn't clear right now, and I know you probably feel guilty for hurting me.

But I'm putting a stop to all of this hurt, so no one is going to be getting hurt anymore okay.

Talk to me in a couple of weeks properly. I hope you'll have the respect to, for once, actually give me a proper idea through how you've been feeling, what's been going through your head, and how you'll be proceeding things with Tom. I know you'll find that extremely difficult. But I've always been open with how i felt. I feel like you can return this favour as a last hurrah to me at least.

This is all I have to say for now. But I hope the next two weeks is therapeutic for the both of us. I just wish to put a stop to all of this pain and suffering. This cannot continue any longer. I can't take it, it's not healthy and I'm becoming ill because of it.

So as I said. No more pain. No more suffering. I'm just going to try and mend things for myself for the next couple of weeks, and I hope you can figure out exactly how you actually feel.

I love you. But goodbye for now.

How fucking dramatic. And you know what, we’re not even halfway through yet.

So the next day that was it.

On a mere few hours sleep.

We’d agreed to meet.

Not in some warm house like normal people or on a bed. But I was sat at a park, just there, contemplating. There wasn’t a lot to contemplate, there wasn’t a lot to think, anything else to process.

I’d been sat there for quite some time in the rain before he arrived. I was ‘gathering my thoughts’. School children wandered through the park, and a women walking her dog to and fro smiled at me a few times as she kept looping back and forth.

Then he appeared. He sat down. It was that moment that I looked at his face, and how he couldn’t look me in the eye. The face I’m sure I pulled when I found out Aidan had died. Complete withdrawal, everything is up there, in your mind, yet nothing at the same time. Nothing to be said, nothing to be done.

Yet we both spoke, then stopped. There was some hand holding. Very slow sentences were exchanged, the words few and far between. When the words did finally begin to flow, that was it, no turning back.

‘So you’ll never ever want to be with me?’ ‘I have asked myself why but I just don’t’

‘What do you actually think of me?’ I don’t really remember the answer this question.

The rest of the questions I asked or anything else. It was just noise, a blur, hard horrible calming words.

All I remember is the hysterical crying on my part. The rain beginning to fill the atmosphere, the hand holding, and a strange sort of closeness that could be borne only out a disaster. While it felt like a strangely horrifying moment, it was closure. This really was the end. The end to all of this pain. The end to how it was going to be between me and him, and how I finally had to accept, that no matter what I did, he was never going to love me. Not in that way. But that moment strangely also gave me hope.

Why, I’m really not sure, but I remember the way we chatted, it seemed to go some way to us resolving that we could still have a relationship together like before, and there was no reason this couldn’t continue. Which in many extents was correct, but as of today, has begged to show otherwise.

So I guess the question was, going by all of the shit that happened in second year, spending months to heal enter a meditative state and recover, why was I still in love with him? What had driven me to this crazy mental state where I was unable to use my phone without watching a two people ping-pong in conversation, or me feel sick enough to have to and seek counselling.

I guess you could break it down. Firstly in second year when I was forced to recover, I was over him in the sense that I didn’t think Dan was a good person, a proper friend that I would want to have a relationship with (a romantic one). That feeling had gone. Second year had been a lot about anger, and ‘rage’ well not quite rage, but more annoyance and distaste for how he treated me, as a character. That was not to say I didn’t still love him. Because obviously deep down I still did.

Then there was the fact that, even though I had fulfilled a lot of healing, his liking Tom brought back a lot of feelings of the past (not about Dan, but about a time of pain and suffering), and with those feelings came in mixed feelings of love for Dan.

Of course, I can’t forget the heart. When I believed he could be critically ill, it just made me worry and panic so much. How could someone that I’d shared what I felt to be a uniquely close relationship with, be potentially so ill that my head was contemplating stories of their ceasing existence.

But finally, the fact is simple. I still was in love with Dan. I think it’s hard to fall out of love with someone no matter how much they hurt you. And you always forget, just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you can be with them. Me not being with him, didn’t mean I didn’t love him.

So why did those final moments with him in the park, and the subsequent wetherspoons give me hope?

It was simple really. Everything was fine and dandy before, and it could be fine and dandy again. There was no reason that we couldn’t return to normal and be proper friends. And I did truly believe that. For a while that was the case, but 2018 has shown me, that nothing in this world is consistent or ever stays the same. Especially not, my relationship with Dan.

Finally actually healing.

No sooner had the eruption happened, was the emotional fallout being cleared. It might have been a nuclear blast, but it came without the fallout. It’s crazy to think just how quickly I actually medicated and began to get over things after it all that time.

I guess I’d had my moment. Like when you’re having sex and you’re desperate to cum. You cum. You’ve done your bit. That’s it, you’re happy, you’re content, you don’t need to cum again. The park was that moment. I had to hear certain things being said that one final time. So I could sleep, and sleep with a smile on my face, because I knew I had the answers my heart, not my head needed to hear (my head already knew all of those things).

I can’t deny something else didn’t help. The way Dan described other guys falling for him. One or two dates and they’d be falling at their feet, desperate to date him. ‘Look at all of these guys falling for me’ it just stank of, ‘look how easy it is to get guys to fall for me, and then I’m gonna abuse that’. He didn’t say those things, but that’s what my mind was telling me he was basically saying.

It made me feel a fool. I was just another one of those worthless guys, that didn’t mean much to him, that had fallen for him and then gotten rejected. I asked him if he was going to talk about the other guys feelings once ‘nah probably just fuck him, and get take out’. How lovely. Has the past 3 months, 6 months, year, yearsss, not taught you anything at all?

I get that you’re hurting in-turn yourself, but how could you think I would see you in a good light for saying those things and acting in that way?

It made me feel a complete idiot, a numpty, how could I be so stupid, clearly I’d misread him and how he actually felt and just allowed my attraction to take me this far. Clearly I’d mistaken all of that closeness.

Obviously it wasn’t that extreme, but that’s how it felt in my head at the time. And it really was a string of guys. Chiron, Miguel, Ben. They’d all fallen for him. And i’m not saying that our relationship was that frivolous, and hearing him say that I knew him ‘more deeply’ than anyone else in the world was obviously an achievement and showed how close we were. But in my head, well clearly someone (you, Seb) got a bit too carried away here, you fucking idiot.

Reflection.

There is little that can be done to reflect on the situation now, other than the more recent months of 2018. That point in my life is truly behind me. What I really think looking back on it all is, I wonder how it will affect future relationships. I know that my tolerance towards people has actually decreased massively. I found myself clearing out conversations with old guys and people I used to chat with. The old me would be readily saving those, ready to read whenever the extremely rare occasion amounted that I’d like to go over them. So in my head things have changed.

I can’t say I’m not glad that I’m over Dan. Finally, after all of this time. But as Owain said about Pete, there will always be a part of me that just feels like it belongs to him. And that, will probably never change. He is a birthmark, a tattoo, etched into me forever.

End of Chapter 2.

The final - chapter 3 next - a twink, and the months beyond 2017.

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forlorn-ambivalent-project · 4 years

Text

Week 1 14/01/21 - 21/01/21 Summary of project progress.

Thursday 14th Jan:

Today our collaborative groups were assigned, I’m very excited to be directing and producing this short film! Our group is quite small, comprised of myself, Samuel and Ruth- so I intend on spending this week recruiting some external collaborators. Luckily this will fit in with the schedule as we need the next two weeks to be focused on writing, voice acting and sound production (although some aspects of sound will be complete post production e.g. background noise/ambiance). Whilst I focus primarily on recruiting external collaborators, I have asked Sam and Ruth to focus on experimenting with different media and animation techniques- this will allow us to go into the animation phase of the project with confidence and stylistic coherence regardless of process. Experimenting with animation processes at this stage will allow the group to also tackle any technical difficulties that may arise, as well as building confidence within each animator- hopefully resulting in a successful production period.

Today I tasked my group with creating some small cut-outs using black card, just to give them a feel for a style of animation they could work in- the main aim of this was to also focus on creating a strong silhouette, demonstrating knowledge of form and posing. Whilst we didn’t get on to animating at this stage, next week will have more of a focus on trying out different software/techniques through animated tests.

The first external collaborator I have recruited is Miles who will be the Writer for ‘Forlorn’- we arranged this prior to today. Initially I took a hands off approach in regards to the writing, giving Miles an idea of what I wanted, and letting them crack on with it independently- unfortunately, whilst what they had written was of good quality, it wasn’t really suited to the project- so today we had a bit of a re-briefing where I made sure to be as clear as possible, outlining a better idea of what I was expecting. The first piece of writing was also quite rushed so I think it’s more than reasonable to allow for 2 weeks to really nail the script; going forward we will either co-write or I’ll be much more of a hands on director in that meetings will be a lot more regular, I’ll go through and edit sections of writing ect.

Meeting notes:

-Writing should be in a stream of conscious format

-Take inspiration from journal entries

-Tone should be relatively depressing, themes of entrapment, detachment and dissociation

-More abstract and impressionistic than literal in content; nothing very rigidly imagery based (to allow animators creative freedom)

-Spend some time thinking about it; next meeting will be on Tuesday for a brainstorm.

Friday 15th Jan:

Contacted Potential Voice Actor: Ian, giving a very brief overview of the project- he seems very interested in working on the project, potentially having access to a sound production studio from his friend Jeff (this will depend on covid related restrictions so this is unconfirmed at this point) - We have arranged to have an online meeting next wednesday at 4pm. Ian has an extensive background in acting and theatre (and I have worked with him before on panto productions at New Theatre Royal Lincoln 2017-2018 & 2018-2019) so I’m pretty confident that he’ll make a great voice actor for Forlorn; it will also be nice to have a more mature voice narrating something with a depressing and hopeless tone.

Contacted potential external animators: KP Gill (Y2 NUA), Lottie Wishart (Y3 Plymouth): I had contacted these two animation students whilst the pitch of forlorn was still unconfirmed in terms of going forward formally through the university- so I got in touch with them both today to let them know that the pitch was successful, arranging to brief them both next Thursday. As they both have a lot of work on for their own degrees, I have made it apparent to them that they can contribute however much they want in terms of taking on a reasonable amount that they can both realistically handle within the time frame. I also don’t want to assign too much responsibility to either of them in case they suddenly decide to drop out or fail to complete work to deadlines. (Not that I expect that to happen but it is always a risk/ possibility- so I want to make sure that we have a plan and contingency time in place to avoid anything hugely going wrong).

Saturday 16th Jan:

i spent today focusing on setting up the blogs for both this project as well as my personal showcase project ‘Chronophobia’ as well as a blog for career planning (although I may combine that blog with the personal showcase blog I’m not sure at this point). I backtracked some of the posts for both projects to try and get into the flow of blogging again.

Sunday 17th Jan:

Today I made a time-lapse video of assembling an overhead rig which I will be using in conjunction with a make shift multiplane camera in order to capture physical cut out animation in an efficient and professional manner.

Monday 18th Jan: N/A

Tuesday 19th Jan:

Writing of Contract, Finalisation of key production management docs.

Meeting with miles, set up of google drive:

Meeting notes:

-Decision made for Miles to be the writer (no need for co-writer)

-Brainstorm of ideas, picking out what works/what doesn’t work

-Discussion of future communications: regular updates/feedback

-Deadline of this Friday for writing samples

Wednesday 20th Jan:

Meeting With Ian (Voice Actor)

Meeting notes:

-Agreement that this is a non-paid role that is being taken on

-Consent/rights given to use audio. Including agreement to submit the film to film festivals/ use the audio for commercial purposes

-Direction and tone clarified

-Sound Producer confirmed (Jeff) with late next week being a viable time slot to record audio.

-Agreement that the audio must be delivered by the 5th of Feb.

-Contact information exchanged (Email address, phone number)

Thursday 21st Jan:

Experimental Animation ‘workshop’ with team: After having gone through our production management system, and deciding to use office 365 planner as an additional resource, we decided to do a quick fire animation test each using different animation techniques to achieve the same style. We then presented these experiments to the rest of the 2d group at the end of the teams session.

Sam used Blender to create a rigged animation which was then made to look 2d in the style of lino print animation. Ruth used autodesk sketchbook, a 2d digital animation software to achieve the look of traditional cut outs- and I used card and a multiplane camera to animate:

Stills from each animation:

Briefing of 2 External Animators: Lottie and KP: Presenting the project pitch & explaining ways in which they can collaborate; outlining risks, challenges, communication methods, deadlines, opportunities.

Meeting Notes- Lottie Wishart

-Brief clearly explained, with outcomes and expectations outlined

-confirmation that Lottie has access to the equipment/software needed in order to produce quality work

-Outline of Schedule: allowing Lottie time to consider whether to take on the project

-Seems promising, clear enthusiasm/interest in joining the production team

-Agreement that I will be the main/only point of contact for Lottie throughout the project due to their issues with intense social anxiety.

-Awaiting firm confirmation

Meeting Notes- KP Gill

-Brief clearly explained, with outcomes and expectations outlined

-confirmation that KP has access to the equipment/software needed in order to produce quality work

-Outline of Schedule, considering how this will factor in with their 2nd year uni work.

-Given the task of creating some experimental animations for the next week- figuring out process and technique

-Agreement that whilst I will be KP’s main point of contact for the project, they are free to join group meetings should their personal timetable allow.

-Made clear that regular updates of work are expected as well as approval of concepts and storyboards.

-Awaiting confirmation

Meeting with Miles:

Meeting Notes:

-Absolute Deadline for writing confirmed as 26/01/20

-Writing seems to be progressing well, this will be formally reviewed tomorrow before our next meeting tomorrow at 4

0 notes

notanotherinfjblog · 7 years

Text

The types as people I know of the types (from an INFJ point of view)

INTJ: - no one is better at discussing society and the human mind and politics with at 2am than him - his many coping mechanisms make him look like he’s full of himself to most people when he’s actually a giant ball of insecurities - successfully manipulates people in his work place in such a subtle way over months in order to get rid of a person he deems incompetent for the job - but if he chooses to do so, he’ll tell the person he’s about to get rid of about his plan because he has “a little piece of morality left in him and views this as a courtesy to them” (that person always thinks he’s joking. and then they’re gone 3 months later, oops) - awful sense of humour that is rather endearing - very very emotional and has no idea how to cope with them - give him all the love you have inside, he needs it

INTP: - starts his day with googling stuff and eating cake he baked for himself - it’s nice going on about deep questions with him, but he only listens for the most part. Uncomfortable theories are countered by “No, I don’t believe that”, but it’s obvious that he’s thinking it through. He’ll usually end the discussion with “I’ll have to think about that. I’ll tell you tomorrow what I think of it.” - gives himself such a hard time because he wants to work independently from everyone else, but has everyone’s best interest at heart. So, if someone is sick and still tries to do the laundry or fetch themselves a coffee, he’ll go mad because it stresses him out so much that the sick person deliberately overextends themselves, so he has to hurry up in order to do the things for them in their place but faster - “I’m always right. I know that sounds pretentious, but it’s true. I don’t want to always be right, sometimes I wish I wouldn’t be. But what can I say, I just am always right.” - despite supposedly always being right, he misinterprets other people’s and his own emotions with a confidence 24/7

ENTJ: - the most sociable person to exist - the best liked person to exist - was always elected as representative for group projects, for the class, for the whole school, and now even in local politics - probably our future chancellor in 20 years time - miraculously good at everything - I once asked a friend of him an organisational question to which that friend replied in all seriousness “I don’t know, I’ll go ask Napoleon” and went straight to this ENTJ - stormed into the principal’s office with 30 other people behind him once after he find out that our homophobic principal unrightfully accused a gay guy in our year of pedophilia, so he gave her hell

ENTP: - “What’s the password of this computer?” he asks. “I don’t know, that’s your computer”, one of his students replies. “...what...”, he says as his eyes widen in confusion. - I don’t understand how a person this intelligent can be this forgetful - frequently almost broke his neck by falling down the same and only existing stair in the lecture hall. every. single. week. - invites not only his friends to lunch, but also everyone who is in close proximity at that time, no matter if you’re someone with two doctorates or a college student in the first semester - tells a student waiting in front of his office for half an hour because he’s late to their meeting that he was just so very busy and ran over there as fast as he could, even though there were witnesses who saw him sauntering out of the cafeteria - broke a leg while carrying a friend’s little daughter on his shoulders who wanted him to gallop like a horse

INFJ: - has the same ridiculous sense of humour as me, so many absurd stories and so many puns - gesticulates just as weirdly as I do when she’s telling a story - very sociable despite being socially awkward, yet very bad at socialising - “Do you think ‘I didn’t know what else to do with my life and figured this field of work is just as good as any’ is a good starter for my letter of application?” - sometimes we only communicate in forms of ironic overdramatic gifs - too awkward and too precious for this world and I smile every time I think of her - makes you feel like the best possible version of yourself every time you’re with her - casually drives 2 hours to meet you and doesn’t even mention it a single time - every secret is safe with her - “It usually takes me a few years to open up to people. Except with you, I don’t why. I feel like every time I’m with you, I talk more than during the entire week. What is this?”, she says, which is funny cause I, as another INFJ, feel the exact same way with her.

INFP: - very shy and socially awkward - she sat down right next to me on the first day of uni in an empty lecture hall and it was obvious that she wanted to befriend me as I saw her struggling to find a way to open a conversation, but she just couldn’t do it (she seemed so relieved when I made the first move hahaha) - we don’t talk often, but when we do she admits that she wanted to ask to meet up weeks ago, but only now found the courage to do so and laughs awkwardly about it - it got a bit awkward when we were in a restaurant once and I told her a story and her fork with pasta was hanging right in front of her mouth for a few minutes because she focused too much on listening to me and forgot to eat - I start to miss her as soon as we say goodbye - tries to keep the conversation far from emotional topics because then she’d be incapable of looking you in the eye and giving you a proper answer

ENFJ: female ENFJ: - the most sociable and popular person I have ever met - gives the best hugs - an absolute cinnamon roll with a heart as big as the whole town - makes you feel very special - when we were little I was so scared that I didn’t mean as much to her as she did to me because she had more good friends than I had distant acquaintances (until she suddenly bitterly fought another friend of mine for “stealing” me from her haha) male ENFJ: - the overenthusiastic guy I started uni with who ended up getting his Bachelor’s degree after two years and then skipped the Master because he already had a Master’s degree in physics and is now doing a doctorate for linguistics and I’m like ???? - he likes to ask personal, very disarming questions but in a curious and friendly way - seemed like the weird kid at first, turned out to be an absolutely odd sweetheart who constantly giggles about his own jokes

ENFP: - takes everything you say serious and doesn’t really understand that 80% of the things I say are nothing but jokes - every time I dramatise a slight inconvenience or problem that I don’t actually worry about at all, she thinks I’m crying for help and gives serious advice, which is really really endearing - pricks you repeatedly in class in order to find out how far she can push you until you get angry - has a very loud, but very nice laugh that makes you laugh too immediately - wants to make everyone feel included - one minute, she behaves like a little child, and the next, you wonder when the hell she turned into an 80-year-old wise wizard guiding you on your journey

ISTJ: - loves talking to people and doesn’t realise she’s a bit socially awkward - is a good person in disguise - painted over all the love letters she got from her husband in fear of anyone else ever reading them - her only way of showing you her love for you is by sharing knowledge and giving you interesting little articles she cut out from the newspaper for you - very bossy - can still recite poems she learned in primary school - the only 80-year-old from a tiny tiny village that I ever met who is this open-minded, like “Oh, my son adopted a girl from Africa? Yay, what a sweet grandchild!” and “Our new mayor is an immigrant? I live in such a good town that the people here are so accepting and open, this is great!” and “I don’t understand how two women could love each other, but if they are happy together, then so am I!”

ESTJ: - interrupts a professor in his talking because she felt like she could explain it better. Now she’s working for him, so she got that going for her. - very insecure about coming off as arrogant when she is so overeager to explain things because she really only wants to help people as best as she can - such a workaholic - the first person to offer help with anything and without hesitation (and when I say anything, I mean really anything) - has friends and acquaintances wherever she goes, no idea how - no matter what time it is, she will text you back immediately - “Do you know person XYZ? No? Awww I never really noticed her until last month and then I talked to her and she’s so shy and quiet but so sweet and funny, I love her.” - I’m starting to believe that she has a time turner like Hermione Granger in The Prisoner of Azkaban cause there is just no freaking way that she manages to do so many things in 24 hours, it’s just not possible

ISFJ: female ISFJ: - stops everything she’s doing because something reminded her of a story about her cat that she needs to tell immediately - an absolute sweetheart - always roots for the underdog - smiles a lot and giggles a lot male ISFJ: - a popular yet genuinely nice guy back in high school who, for whatever reason, nominated me to become our class representative and convinced other people to vote for me (the quiet invisible person). And I won? Against the ENTJ I talked about above? I don’t know how. Or why. No matter how much time passes, I’m still so confused about this. - smiles every time he happens to meet a person he knows - I remember how sweet he was to his girlfriend in 9th grade and how they held hands sitting next to each other in class

ESFJ: - spends half of her life talking with shining eyes about every child she knows - judges people for not thinking she is the centre of the universe - overprotective hen - makes you take that sweater with you because “it could be cold outside some time today” when it’s hot as hell - makes all of the 12 people present talk a foreign language if her friend doesn’t speak their native language very well - always means well, but in doing so, she brings everyone close to her in awkward or embarrassing situations without noticing - can’t directly tell someone that she doesn’t like something, so she waits until her spouse or children are out of earshot for a minute and says that they are the ones who don’t like it even if they do

ISTP: - extremely stubborn and independent on the outside - yet thinks of so many nice little things to do for other people, but would never admit that he’s doing nice things for them, so he invents ridiculous reasons to cover up his true intentions - becomes awkward and restless after he did such a nice thing for someone and didn’t get a positive reaction immediately, but is so obviously relieved once he gets that positive reaction (but still denies that he did it for them of course) - very good cook - denies that he has any emotions, but as soon as a slightly bad thing happens you see him struggling internally

ESTP: - the class clown - makes inappropriate jokes - craves to be liked by people but would never admit it - makes fun of you until you fight back, then suddenly turns into your biggest supporter - a very nice person once he finished school and was out of that toxic environment of peer pressure - travelled the world after graduating

ISFP: female ISFP: - dances weirdly in public and doesn’t care one bit - pretends to be drunk women’s friend in order to protect them from creeps - takes the train at midnight to go eat fries in another town because she just felt like it - too cool for you - writes a comment under any photo I post saying that I’m cool, and then she comments from another account under that same photo, tagging her other account how right she is - has a whole arsenal of inappropriate jokes and shoots them all out in the most embarrassing situations - can be absolutely ruthlessly sarcastic male ISFP: - the only guy I’ve ever met who openly says that his favourite movie is a very kitschy movie and then recommends you some other good romantic movies (honestly, his taste in movies is amazing) - said he can’t wait for the day that he graduates from university so that he can finally move up north to his girlfriend, no matter if he doesn’t find a job there and might have to work as a taxi driver or something

ESFP: - the most emotional person on this Earth and unafraid to show it - very open, very nice, very funny and very pretty, so it’s no surprise that 90% of the guys she gets romantically close to treat her like a bag of dirt because they think she’s “easy” until they get to know her and say she’s “too high-maintenance” - makes you feel more alive than you’ve ever been and makes you laugh harder than you ever have - has an inferior Ni induced existential crisis every other week - socially capable as hell but scared as hell of socialising - likes talking about herself a lot, but is also a good listener - more stylish than you will ever be - Person: “Hey, we should totally meet up tomorrow!” ESFP: “Yeah! Looking forward to it!” ESFP to a friend, 5min later: “Oh my god, why did I say that, I don’t want to meet them, oh my god, what should I do?” and is too scared of hurting their feelings so she doesn’t cancel the meet-up and just stays home wallowing in her bad conscience

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thepandemicinterviews · 4 years

Text

Issy, August 9 2020, Sydney

When a housemate leaves, certain objects, sounds, and interactions disappear from your domestic landscape. Sometimes tears are shed. You say goodbye knowing that you will likely never occupy space together in the same way again.

In my two years of living in this house, I have seen eight people leave (not a reflection on this house or my presence in it, I promise). The most recent loss was Issy. When Issy moved in late January of this year, she immediately baked a cake for my housemate’s birthday. With scissors, she cut all of the overgrown grass in the backyard, then cleared out years worth of junk from the garage. She called for house dinners to become a regular occurrence. Issy, in all of her determination and readiness for life, seemed profoundly unrelatable to me at first. The adjective I used to describe her was “perfect,” meaning good at everything: running, talking, living, kind, intelligent… But the word perfect is too reductive, or cursed with a certain jealousy. It implies a cohesiveness that simply does not exist in the best of people.

Let’s just say then that I love her, and her multiplicity. I’ve loved her presence in this house. At her farewell, I gave her the unedited version of this interview printed on pages stuck to newspaper. Not so much an interview as a chat between two friends drinking red wine with a lot to say. At the risk of sounding too sentimental (no such thing), I’m so glad we got to have this little piece of recorded history together, Issy.

The best part about Issy’s cakes was that they were never too sweet. And she wasn’t either.

The first image included in the interview is an artwork Issy sent me. When I asked her about it, she told me it represented for her an idea of “stagnant motion, connectedness but disconnectedness.” What better captures the feeling of wrestling forward in a year that wants nothing but to hold you back? The artist Nancy Spero, I learnt, was a central figure in the feminist art movement of the mid-20th century. From the MoMA website: Spero described her works as “ephemeral monuments” to the full range of women’s experience: tragic and triumphant, degraded and powerful, victimized and liberated. Multiplicity as the underlying current defining womanhood. Everything is true and simultaneously, wrote Chris Kraus.

Me not being an art scholar, I will rely instead on Spero’s passionately written Wikipedia article: Although her collaged and painted scrolls were Homeric in both scope and depth, the artist shunned the grandiose in content as well as style, relying instead on intimacy and immediacy, while also revealing the continuum of shocking political realities underlying enduring myths. Paying attention to the immediate and the intimate, alongside an understanding of the myths that politics is built upon, seems to me a useful lens through which to study the pandemic today. What is the everyday texture of living through a historically and politically unprecedented time? How do we signal love? What are the myths propelling counterproductive human behaviour? This novel coronavirus laughs in the face of neoliberalism.

I will end this overwrought introduction with this fragment from Spero’s interview with artist Phong Bui:

Spero: You know, being with Leon and having my three beautiful sons, I am really blessed in a lot of ways. Otherwise, by living day-to-day, one realizes the firmness of cruelty, what people do to each other. But then one realizes that it’s always built with double meaning of the conflicted self. Whether it’s through language and gesture and thoughts, and so on…

Bui: That’s true. And that’s why we deal with that intense closeness of that duality through art, instead of hurting ourselves or others which I think is overrated.

However you can, in this dark unending year of 2020, make art instead.

C: This might be a strange question to start with, but what have been some of your favourite memories throughout Covid?

I: That is an interesting one because I definitely think there have been some really beautiful moments. I was looking through my phone camera the other day to see what has happened. I don’t take many photos, but a few things popped out. I definitely remember the night that we all spent together, you know the one that we had that group photo by the table? I think it was when Josh was in the house. It wasn’t my birthday dinner but it was one around that time. The house nights? I feel like we went through a period of having dinners which was super beautiful. Also around my birthday period, I went with Maya – you remember how on my birthday I went and drove to Collaroy? Which is a bit ridiculous. There was a moment when we’d gone to the beach and the sun was almost setting. There were still quite a few people around and Covid hadn’t fully hit the Beaches yet, so there were people around, and I hadn’t been in the ocean in months. And I remember us just finally setting our stuff down on the beach and getting into our swimmers and running into the ocean. And Maya’s very… How to describe her? You can’t. But she’s very beautiful and she was very much like, you know, this is a cleansing moment and experience, and a new year for you, and we need to jump into the ocean and make a wish. Which, when I’m with her, I definitely get on board with. So we jumped into the ocean and it just felt super cleansing and super beautiful and the sun was super warm. So that was a very nice moment. I think also, connecting with her in Australia as opposed to being in France, like last year on my birthday we were in Lyon. And we made a promise that every year, if it’s possible, that we’re going to be in a different country for our birthdays. So that was also hopeful and very nice.

C: So you have the same birthday?

I: No, her birthday’s a couple of months away from mine. But I think we’ll do something for both of them. We’re both birthday people [laughs]. But, yeah, I’m trying to think of other things. I mean, it’s tricky. Because I feel like there’s definitely moments that I’ve forgotten. It feels like it’s been the longest time but also the shortest time, and so much has happened but also nothing has. So I feel like almost just the nothingness has been nice in some moments I suppose.

C: Is that because you don’t feel like you have to be the busy, productive person you are in normal life?

I: I definitely feel like I still have that a little bit [laughs]. It’s funny, because I was kind of wondering what I’ve learnt over Covid. And I think, one thing that I’m still trying to learn is the idea that I need to not value my time and my self based on productivity. Especially when you can’t be that productive. I used to do quite a bit of volunteering, and obviously working a lot, and study and all of the little social events that I’ve been missing. And a lot of that’s been cut out, so it has just been like, trying to come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to not be doing things all the time. But it’s also hard because then you’re in your head more. Which is something that I think – I probably subconsciously try to keep busy so that I wasn’t doing that. So that’s been an interesting experience.

C: Can you elaborate on that? Like, how did it change throughout the months? Were there certain time markers for you?

I: Definitely the months have been quite distinct. But they also all merge into one when you think about it. I feel like I’ve had quite fragmented experiences. And I think the time markers are probably a lot to do with the people in my life as opposed to the things that I’ve been doing. Just because I have been doing less. But, I mean obviously having different housemates come into the house, and having different months where different friends are free. Seeing different people has been more of a time marker.

C: And that period when you weren’t working as well…

I: Yeah, I mean it’s tricky because that’s the first time I haven’t worked since I was 14, but at the same time I was so busy with Uni and study that it was probably really positive for my studies. But it did feel very consuming in that as well, in that I felt I had to totally immerse in that. It was fortunate I was doing interesting subjects.

C: What was it like finding out that Uni was online suddenly?

I: It was funny, I found out – I had been at Uni that day, and I went into work that night, and I was talking to some customers about how Covid was just hitting, and how everyone was going. And they were at UNSW, and I was like, Oh, I think UNSW’s shutting down, right? But UTS is probably not going to do that anytime soon. And they were like, Oh, no, UTS has shut down [laughs]. And I was like, what? I was there today! And they were like, Oh, my sister just sent me a screenshot of an email she received tonight. Your uni’s shut down! And so I found out that way, which was funny. But I mean honestly, as a law student, I felt quite lucky and quite privileged that a lot of what I do is totally capable of being online. And I felt really bad for students who are in more practical degrees. I have friends at the National Art School and friends doing med and science and whatnot, which is a lot more lab-based and necessary to be in a studio. Whereas, for law, it’s totally capable of being online. And I quite enjoy independent study. I am lucky to be self-motivated in that sense that I enjoy having my own space and being able to just do my readings. And Zoom has been interesting, watching how people adjust to an online format. And you definitely miss that human connection and having that more organic class discussion, I suppose. But at the same time, it’s very minimal negative compared to what other people are experiencing.

C: I felt like I really enjoyed my English classes on Zoom, and I felt much more willing to participate.

I: Oh really? Why’s that?

C: I think not having the awkward like, not having to signal that I was about to talk – just like, unmuting myself or raising my hand virtually was a lot easier for me than doing it in-person. And I’m always someone who does feel like I’m on the precipice of saying something but I just leave it half a second too long. Being invisible – sometimes I would drink wine, smoke during my classes and I would just be more confident as a result.

I: Yeah, I get that. That makes total sense. I’ve had the inverse experience, because I’m definitely less confident in a virtual setting. I think I’ve had a similar thing where I feel like I miss a second, I miss a beat, and people move on quite quickly in the virtual realm. And so I’ve had that experience this semester. Whereas, usually in class I’m just like, Me! And I just say things and it just flows more naturally for me there I think.

C: Did you have to have video on during your Zoom classes?

I: Yeah.

C: That would’ve changed things for me a lot I think.

I: Did you not?

C: No! No one had video on in either of my classes.

I: Oh, that’s so much nicer. That’s the thing, as soon as you start speaking your face is immediately in front of everybody.

C: Exactly, so I felt really good knowing that no one knew who I was, and I could say shit and no one would attribute it to me. They didn’t know me.

I: That’s interesting though, because you say no one knew who you were, but they knew your name and they knew your voice.

C: Yeah, but this was my last semester, like they would never see me.

I: But do you feel like that’s totally attributable to a visual thing, like to your face? Because, I mean, your name will be something…

C: Partly. I think, also, the class was really well-run, I loved my tutor, and it felt like a space where I could share ideas. And it felt really linked to Covid in a lot of ways, while we were talking about all these big ideas, reading Marx, reading Marcuse, and talking about free speech and universities and all of that. I guess this can lead me onto my next question. Did you feel like any of the things you were learning throughout your semester were linked to what was going on in the world around you? Because you were doing international law and stuff?

I: It’s funny, because that was the thing I was going to say from your comment. I think that’s one thing my studies lacked, was a link. Because it’s crazy we’re all going through this really immediate and collective and present thing in our lives, and then none of the content we were learning was really related to it. And none of the teachers really sought to relate it either. Which I was disappointed with. But also, it was a really tough time for them as well to have to adjust, in terms of entire learning materials, to the present situation. And I think international law always has relevance. Definitely it has become really relevant in the past month or so, with different relations between major players or whatnot. And that’s something I’ve really appreciated and I’ve found a deep interest in that from studying it. But they didn’t relate it to Covid throughout the semester. Maybe they’ll adjust. There’s time. Covid’s still going.

C: Yeah, how do you feel about the ongoingness of this pandemic? Like, we’re in August, we’ve lived through six months of it already. Where does it end?

I: Did you talk about this in your class at all?

C: No. I think we’ve only recently reached the point where we’ve come to terms with it and accepted it as part of daily life. And we don’t know when it’s going to end. But I think, before, everything that happened was so new and shocking and uncomfortable. I feel like we’ve gotten to a place where we’re starting to get comfortable with this new way of life.

I: Yeah, definitely. I think it’s going to be really interesting – I mean, I hope people take this as an opportunity to change a lot of really structural things. But it is going to be interesting how little things that we wouldn’t have considered normal have become normalised, and will just become part of our daily life. I don’t know when this is going to end. I mean, I feel like particularly in Australia, we’re super lucky that it is quite insular. And I mean it’s very easy to look at it at a larger scale and be really overwhelmed with what’s going on in the rest of the world. But in Australia it’s quite easy to feel like nothing has changed, but then obviously everything has. And there’s lots of things that have for a lot of people. If you look at my life, on a personal level, it probably hasn’t massively? But you think about the way that you’ve learnt things over the last few months, and the way that you have perceived things and changed things in your life to accommodate different things. And that’s definitely changed. I think it’s very easy to think that nothing has changed here? Or to minimise that. But it definitely will. And I hope people are aware of that. And I think one of the positive things that’s come out of this is this sense of collective experience. And obviously not everyone’s having the same experience; it might be like a super privileged view to be like, The Collective! But, you know, I think people are probably more willing to empathise in certain situations now.

C: It’s just such a rare event to happen. And it’s so rare for everyone to be affected by it. To be affected by anything singular. So I do think it’s a collective experience that we haven’t had previously, but obviously everyone’s going to have a different experience, but it is still a collective experience to go through.

I: Definitely. And I think in a time where everyone is so virtually connected as well. Like I don’t think the world has experienced a pandemic like this where everyone has been able to have a platform where they can voice their own experiences and feel a sense of community, worldwide even. Which is very interesting. I think the Internet is a slowly rising tide of panic, so it’s hard to… I think another thing that has really emerged in this time for me has been this idea of like – and I think you spoke to Zach a little bit about this – is this idea of like balancing your need or want or desire to be engaged, and then also needing to not feel overwhelmed as well. And it’s hard, because balance is so important, but where do you find that line.

C: But also we wouldn’t have reacted as strongly as we did – Australia – if it weren’t for what we saw play out through the news in Italy, in particular. I think, for me, when it hit that this was this big thing that was happening, was when I was reading about Italy and how terrible it was all of a sudden, late February. Like, this is going to happen here. But because we had that example, you know, we acted quickly and I’m very thankful that we are geographically distant from –

I: Like designed to deal with something like this?

C: Yeah.

I: Yeah, I think that’s definitely true. And I think it’s quite impressive how we reacted quite quickly to that. And I mean, that’s a testament to our society and democracy and whatnot. But I mean, there’s definitely been miniscule crises that have reflected things that have happened in Italy, like the aged care crisis at the moment was also present in Italy and was something that we definitely should have foreshadowed, and been more able to react more quickly to. I mean, I think it’s quite lucky we have a healthcare system that is comparatively, particularly to the US, very well-designed and very accessible. It’s been one of our saving graces also. Like it’s such a crisis in the US. Having my sister in New York has been terrifying and eye-opening.

C: How do you feel about moving back to Gosford and being away from everyone?

I: I don’t know. I think it definitely comes in waves. Ultimately, I think I feel quite positive about it. I think it’s what I need for myself at the moment and for my research. But it’s going to be hard. Like, on a scale of things that are hard, probably not that hard compared to what other people have to do. Yeah, it’s going to be weird being away from the city. But I’m also really excited to be away, and to be in nature a little bit more, and be close to the beach, and just be in a really tranquil environment where I’m not stressed. I don’t know why, but I’ve just been going through a bit of a weird time. And I don’t know if that’s like a Covid effect catching up to me.

C: I think everyone in Sydney is feeling a bit anxious that it’s going to hit here because of what’s happened in Melbourne. And we’re just all in this high alert mode. I think it makes sense to go to somewhere a bit out of the city at the moment.

I: Yeah, I definitely think that’s true. I’m going to miss everyone a lot. But I think, being out of the city will be a positive for me. Everyone’s on such high alert, it’s like a really anxious environment. It’s also hard with work at the moment as well, it’s a pretty stressful space to be in. And I love them, but I feel like I’m working so I can live in the city, but I’m not doing anything here, essentially, other than writing my thesis. So I could take away the work and just write my thesis, which will be productive over the next couple of months at least. But I will be back. I definitely can’t see myself living on the coast long-term. Just having been away last year, spending a bit more time with my mum will be really nice. But I feel like there will definitely be a limit to that.

C: Hopefully it coincides with Covid…

I: Yeah, I’m feeling maybe everything will shut down and it will just make complete sense for me to be at home. I definitely get antsy and I like changing things and I make quite rash decisions sometimes. But ultimately, I think that they make sense. And it’s something that I have thought more about than I would let myself believe. But I think it all makes sense. But I hope Sydney doesn’t go into lockdown again, because I feel like that will affect a lot of people really deeply.

C: Yeah. I mean, I don’t think we will because we have Melbourne as an example and people are being fairly proactive. And it seems like we thought it might have happened already, but it hasn’t.

I: Yeah, I think that’s one of the worst things about this, right, is the anticipation or the waiting for something to change. And like, feeling like you’re in this weird limbo-y period. It just feels like a weird hiatus from how things would normally work. But then it’s like, maybe this is just how things are normally working.

C: It’s like a middle ground between like, you can’t hang out with more than one person, but we’re not in Melbourne lockdown, obviously, we can go out to restaurants, we can go out for drinks, everything’s like normal-ish.

I: It’s such a weird distinction between being capable of going out for drinks and not feeling like you should, and feeling guilty if you do, and that you’re not taking enough precautionary measures. Yeah, definitely heightening anxiety for a lot of people and feelings of guilt. How are you feeling about it?

C: I don’t know. I think we’ll be in this vague uncertainty for a few months. Like at the beginning of everything, I think everyone thought it would be over in six months. Like spring was when it would get back to normal. And I was like, hopefully by the time it’s my birthday, warehouse parties will be back and we can go out after hanging out here. But that’s obviously not the case, so. I’m okay with it, as long as we have what we have now. I don’t think our restrictions will get that much tighter, hopefully. I’m okay with it. It is sad, but it would be much worse to be in the US. Like to have a government that doesn’t care about you.

I: Yeah, I mean I definitely think there’s certain sects of our society that the Australian government doesn’t care about.

C: Absolutely.

I: But the US is definitely… I don’t know if we should be comparing ourselves to the US though, because it’s such a low threshold to be better than them. Like it’s definitely a crisis over there.

C: It’s just wild, because it just seems like they have no understanding of – like they haven’t experienced having the government put restrictions on them in the way that we have, which would just make so much sense, because it’s so much more widespread there. But it’s like, maybe you shouldn’t gather with more than 50 people.

I: I think neo-liberalism is just so much more entrenched in the US. I mean, it’s definitely very present in Australia and has very widespread impacts here. But very very entrenched in the US. I think the population size as well, and the way that the Trump administration has been running for the last – God, it’s like four years now? How insane is that. They were not prepared to deal with something like this. Like, can you imagine? They can’t even get rid of guns.

C: It’s the only country in the world that has had such a political response to, like, mask-wearing. It’s insane.

I: And then you think of countries that are super equipped to deal with it. That have done it very efficiently.

C: Yeah, like South Korea. They were one of the first countries to get it. I remember reading all my emails that were already loaded because I was on a flight back from Melbourne and this was late February. I was just reading all the New York Times daily briefing emails. And I was like, fuck, it’s really taking off in South Korea! This is wild, like it’s all been passed on through this cult. Like, South Korea, Iran, Italy – what random countries to have Covid. Like, this is wild. But then, South Korea quashed it immediately while it went rampant in Italy for a while. Every place that got hit hard immediately, at the beginning, is doing fairly well now. Like New York compared to the rest of the US is doing fairly well.

I: Yeah, that’s true. I feel like it’s just a process of people having to learn how to deal with it. The experience of going through it, I guess, would change people’s perceptions of it and how they’re going to react to it as well. My sister actually did a really – at the start of Covid, in New York – she did quite a beautiful storytelling that her friend back here – her best friend, she’s an illustrator – did an illustration to. I’ll show you sometime.

C: I can link it.

I: It’s a good thing to watch, and I think it kind of represents the start of Covid and people’s feelings at the start of Covid quite beautifully. It’s really tinged with this kind of sadness but also unknowing. This understanding that people are being quite kind to each other in a way that they previously wouldn’t have been, because of the collective experience. I’ll show you.

vimeo

C: Do you think this has changed the way people interact with each other in a way that will last?

I: Hmm. I don’t know if that’s super relevant for Australia, or if that has affected Australia as much. I don’t think so. I think here it’s become more of an individual protection thing. And because we haven’t been hit as hard, I don’t think the understanding of it has gone as deep.

C: I think in Melbourne, maybe.

I: Maybe in Melbourne. Yeah, I don’t know anyone in Melbourne really at the moment. I haven’t spoken to them.

C: I think they will come out of this feeling like they had a very different experience to the rest of Australia. Like for us, I do feel like people are wearing masks more and more in Sydney. But I don’t think it will ever be mandated. I don’t think we’ll reach that point, hopefully. But they will have had to go through like – not being able to leave your house after 8pm is a very intense thing to have to live through. Which we’ll probably never understand.

I: How do you think that would work in Sydney? Like do you think that if we got to that point, it would change people’s perceptions of Covid and each other?

C: Probably. I think we’ve had a fairly light quarantine lockdown experience compared to a lot of people in the world. Even my New Zealand friends, when they were going through their six-week lockdown, it was a lot more intense than what we went through. I think we never really had it that hard in Sydney, and got through it fairly quickly and easily.

I: Yeah, definitely. I mean, I feel like it was such a minimal scale here. And it’s tricky, because I remember talking to my friend Thomas who works at PIAC. He was doing social housing policy during that time at the start of Covid. And he was like, suddenly, you know, government funding has opened up, and suddenly anything’s possible. We’re housing a lot of homeless people. And he was trying to work on more long-lasting solutions to that. And the quarantine didn’t last long enough for them to implement real change in that sector, I don’t think. And suddenly people were back – they stopped their program, so people were back out on the streets. And that was a noticeable shift, as soon as Covid started lessening, you saw people back out on the streets again, and that was a really harsh reality of government priorities as well. But I feel like in Sydney because it was so light, it almost didn’t allow for that opportunity to implement sustainable change in areas that definitely need it. And that could’ve been a positive that came out of it, but… What would be your positives that have come out of Covid?

C: Like, any positives? I think I’ve had a fairly normal experience throughout Covid in that I still worked my normal job that I’ve had for the past four years, I did Uni, I had a lot of – probably more so than ever – interactions with housemates because of Covid. So I never felt like I had a lot taken away from me. But I think all the fun things we had as a house, especially me, you and Citi, sitting on my bed gossiping, playing Skribblio was really fun. And Josh was here throughout the peak of Covid, which was really fun. It was good to have people around. I didn’t think that I needed it. I thought that I could deal with it all on my own in Woy Woy if I wanted to. But I think at the end of it, I was really like, I’m really glad I had social interaction because so many people haven’t had that opportunity, and it was really nice.

I: Yeah, I think that was definitely a positive. I mean, I’m sure it was more intense for Josh. But like having come just into a house as Covid was hitting and suddenly, that’s your social interaction. I really loved that element of it because it meant that we all got to know each other quite well quite quickly. And I’m sure that was more intense for Josh, having come in literally the week we went into lockdown. But I almost feel like prior to that, living in the house, we obviously all liked each other and got along, but we’d see each other quite fleetingly because we were all so busy doing our own thing, and then suddenly we had freed up this space to spend with each other. I think we all got closer a lot quicker because of that.

C: It is really nice. I don’t think I’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re leaving.

I: Neither have I.

C: It’s like a week away right? I will be very sad.

I: I’m also going to be very sad.

C: I think this is the best house that could’ve happened during lockdown.

I: Yeah, we had such a perfect lockdown dynamic. It’s hard, because you don’t want to say this, like you’re minimising other people’s experiences…

C: Hey, this is exactly what comes up every interview, but you know, it’s all about your subjective experience.

I: Yeah. But I mean, we did have a lot of fun.

C: Yeah, and it’s okay to!

I: Yeah, I think that’s another thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot, is trying not to invalidate your own experiences by thinking about other people’s. It’s very important to be aware of other people’s experiences but ultimately, you’ve gone through your own thing.

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qwedfas · 7 years

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HI FAM im in yr10 this yr and basically my problem is i have no idea what sorta course i wanna do for uni all my friends have been discussing this lately so i did some research and im kindalookin into dentistry is the best way into this career through biomed at melb? i also found a master of dentistry course at latrobe does that mean i can become a dentist right after i gradutate from that but like no offence its latrobe and its also very far can u give me some pros and cons for that course pls!

Hey there!

Since we’re not university students, if you wanted specific information on the course itself it’d be best to attend an open day/ specialised event to ask a student or teacher there about the courses. You will also get the chance to find out what kind of field you would be interested in. If not, the career counsellor’s room (K201, around the corner of K202) also has a bunch of course booklets you can take home to read. However, if it’s about attending La Trobe, know that one course isn’t any worse than another since all just differ in how they teach. Each qualification is the same, it’s just different prestige that each uni holds. Also, in regards to getting a job right after uni, it’s more than just getting your degree and then entering the job market. You have to consider the competition who may have more experience, your social network, your own experience and such in how easy it is to get a job.

In terms of becoming a dentist right after graduating, we’re honestly not sure whether or not that’s what comes right after so it’d be a good idea to set a meeting with the careers counsellors as they are more knowledgeable when it comes to this and from what gets passed around, biomed at Melbourne might not be the best way to get into dentistry but bring that up with the careers counsellors if you decide to go to them. If not, there might be information on university websites or other forums.

Of course, you still have plenty of time to think about these things. In your spare time, consider doing more research, asking around, attending information nights and open days, because it is not a easy decision to make, and some of us in year 12 still haven’t made up our minds yet!

Hope it helps!

FAM xx

#macrobpostschool #macrobuniversity

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alexsfictionaddiction · 4 years

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You Will Be Found

Today marks the start of Mental Health Awareness Week, hosted by the UK charity Mental Health Foundation, who help those living with mental health conditions to live their very best possible lives.

If you knew me as a BookTuber, then you may know all about my own mental health struggles because I used to talk about them every year on this day. I think this is the first time I’ve done so on this blog, so I will endeavour to fill you all in now. I should preface this by saying that I tell my story because I think it’s probably a common one. I don’t tell it to get sympathy or pity or attention. I tell it because I think a lot of people who feel very alone can relate to it and I tell it to let them know that they’re not on their own in this.

In January 2013, I was 22, a fresh uni graduate with a good English degree and I was in my first job as Social Media Exec at a tech start-up. I was happy with my long-term boyfriend and I had an amazing set of friends. I was back home living with my parents having been away for uni but of course, that’s not unusual on an entry-level salary. Life was good. On the surface. So I thought. Then one morning, I woke up and I realised that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d truly felt ‘happy’. I couldn’t remember the last time I hadn’t felt scared, irritable, unenergised and sad. I had a really weird deep sadness that I couldn’t really understand. Nothing had happened to cause it. My life was exactly the same as it had been the last time I was happy, so what on Earth was this?

Of course, I’d heard of depression before but at that time, I honestly thought it was something that happened to people when they lost someone or something close to them. I didn’t know it could just happen. So when I went to my GP and told her that I didn’t understand why my mood had been so low and why everything was suddenly so scary, she asked me some questions. Questions about how long I’d been feeling like this (about 3-4 weeks), if it affected my daily life and interactions with other people (yes, I was picking arguments over stupid things and crying a lot), if I’d had any suicidal thoughts (I had). And like that, I was diagnosed with both General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Depression. Suddenly two demons had moved into my head and my intense fear and sadness made sense.

I was prescribed an anti-depressant called Citalopram (which gave me some really crazy dreams -an eight-legged centaur called Ralph was a common visitor to my subconscious) and referred to a CBT counsellor called Sheryl. I was wary of pouring my heart out to a stranger at first but the more I saw her, the easier it became. My chats with Sheryl gave me the space to just talk about whatever came into my mind without worrying about being called weird or stupid, which I had been in the past by people close to me.

Sadly, I was only given six sessions for free on the NHS. I knew I needed more so Sheryl agreed to keep seeing me but I had to pay her £45 per hour rate. This meant I couldn’t afford to see her every week anymore and so I started seeing her every fortnight. It was still a huge drain on my finances but when I lost my job and my boyfriend within three months, my Depression in particular got worse, so I needed Sheryl more than ever. Basic things like showering, eating regularly, getting out of bed were sometimes impossible and my self-esteem was non-existent. Sheryl gave me coping strategies and thought-reversal exercises to practice whenever I felt a panic attack or thought spiral coming on (some of which worked and I still use today).

Over the course of around 18 months, with a combination of Sheryl and Citalopram, I gradually began to get better. I was taking care of myself more. I’d discovered yoga, got myself a retail job and feeling a little lighter. Of course on a retail assistant’s salary, I had to stop seeing Sheryl but to be honest, I was pretty much ready to let go. By then, I’d come to the realisation that I probably wouldn’t ever be rid of the demons completely but I had learned to live with them and control them to some extent.

Now it has been five years since I’ve taken any medication for a mental health condition but I have had more therapy. Two years ago, I took a counselling training course (just for my own interest really) and it included a lot of self-exploration and self-awareness. Each class started with a group therapy session where we were expected to talk about how our week had been and delve into our own mental health struggles. It was through these sessions that I realised just how many seemingly ‘normal’ people are also housing demons. Their demons say the same things, behave in the same way and affect their lives in exactly the same way as mine do.

Now, I tend to think of Anxiety and Depression as a demon couple who live in my head. They’re fully settled in now and have no plans to move out. Yes, they both still affect me to some degree every single day. Sometimes I can keep them both at a reasonable manageable calm. Sometimes one of them swells up and dominates all the space in my head. Sometimes they argue terribly and that’s the worst because it paralyses me. Those are the days when nothing gets done and I’m convinced that everything bad that could happen definitely will happen. Those are the days when I sometimes consider ending it all. It’s a scary thought but I won’t pretend that it never enters my head because honesty is always key in any discussion about mental health. But mostly, I’ve got used to their peaks and troughs and I’ve learned to accept that they are a part of me.

I am also really lucky that I’ve been able to surround myself with friends (both online and offline) who understand. Whether they have Anxiety’s and Depression’s twins living in their heads or whether they simply love me in spite of them, I know how fortunate I am to have quite a few amazing people in my life. I also know that not everyone who suffers from mental health conditions has a strong support network, so I’d like to let anyone reading this know that I am happy to be the start of that for you.

I think it’s especially important to tell our stories in this time of isolation and fearful uncertainty. Anxiety and Depression have almost certainly multiplied numerous times over, since the start of the pandemic and will continue to do so after lockdown, as the inevitable recession hits and our new ‘normal’ begins. If you need someone to talk to and can’t afford a professional therapist, you are welcome to drop me a message and just tell me whatever is on your mind. I know first-hand that it is often easier to talk to a stranger about deep dark things, so please don’t hesitate if you feel like you need a chat with someone inside your computer.

Please look after yourself and stay safe and kind. -Love, Alex x

#mental health awareness week 2020 #mental health awareness #anxiety #depression #mental health #mental health foundation

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firmanep · 7 years

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28/28 Vision: Retrace

28/28 vision, life’s been hit me with precision. I’ve seen both ways, mourn and defeat at the bottom in one side, glory and prosper in the other. I choose to live on and keep 27 years back on my head. At 28 I begin to realize that everyone walk their own path, with their own pace. All of sudden, the meaning of success, settle, stand-on-your-feet, etc dissolve into thin air.

Nor, this doesn’t mean those words and its meaning is nothing but perception. Yet it’s a word of progress, everything in life is on process not an unchanged or fix terms. To make it clearer, I simply put it on my case. I wouldn’t say that I’m a success or failure person if I see this on my own perspective not others. What I trying to do is put those terms not in binary opposition. But in a life line terms. Life line is a sum of all variable in life. They are time, space, body, mind, money, social, career, relationship, sex, etc. So let’s put it in practice, I using “age” as metric. In example, at 27 YO I get a job promotion, start a mortgage, not in a relationship, feeling numb, stretching my financial belt, 58.000 hours listening music, etc.

Looking back farther than a year, I see myself rolling in a rollercoaster adventurous life. At 5 my parents enroll me to primary school in assume I “a slight smarter” than my counterparts. So I’m 1-2 year younger than my primary school friend age average. Yet instead accelerated in academics, my passion in football is stronger. So, it swiped the whole 6 years in primary. I won several trophy, even my profile been written on local newspaper as “bintang cilik”.

My career in football stop when I get into junior HS. Some shit happened at that time, my sister passed, family breakup, I move to my granny house, join a motorcycle gang, and drunk for the first time. That’s all more than enough to put a stamp in my face as “a broken home little shit”. But fortunately I found another passion, music. I start collecting cassette since at class 5 primary school. For local act i listened to Sheila on 7 generation band. Then I start a band, which then I ditched by because my “musical taste”.

Fuck, thanks to MTV After School Rock, so I bit move from locals and see global. At JHS I listened to hipmetal acts like Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park for a brief of time. Till I really struck on Warped Tour bands like Blink 182, Sum 41, New Found Glory, etc. Because of the rarity of the cassette, I start digging music at 2nd hand cassette dweller. From which I got more recommendation, so I begin listen to more “edgy” bands like MXPX, NOFX, No Use For a Name, and local indie bands like Nudist Island and Buckskin Bugle. So almost all my “pocket money” at JHS went off to buy cassette. Oh wait! I get my first and second girlfriends on JHS. LMAO.

So, half of my JHS I spent as a member of “packed gang” (in motorcycle gang and in a band), and the last half I spent by myself, walking around finding cassette. My last year in JHS been so frustrating, I don’t have much friends because they left me/or in opposite, so i don’t see any reason to took a same school with them. Then I get into HS, speaking spatially, it’s really far from my JHS. But it’s a “throwing stone” away from my granny house. Surprisingly it’s really easy to make friends then.

Though, talking about “cultural taste”, they’re a level under my JHS friends. But I see a genuine quality in them. Like most of HS kiddos allover Bandung, we’re maniacally love occupy a Warung and make it our base camp. I can say that “nongkrong” is in par with curriculum. Everyday, after school we ambush that Warung, then we called “TeronX”(wtf!). Playing cards, or in my case I watching people playing cards then getting drunk. While in the other time I still digging music, it’s easier then because the CD & MP3 era came. And I start come to indie gigs twice a week, and I make friends from a fuckin pit! there. Local bands growth fast then, gigs and indie music start to intervere the mainstream. Their music starts play at MTV and Radio.

In HS, i live in 2 social spheres, at school and at gigs. They feed my certain personal dimension. School friends give me a kind of family-ish feeling, we eat together, we talking about life and girl together, we’re wasted together (6 hours before final exam we’re still wasted as fuck!). While gigs friends gave me a cultural experience and influence. It constructs my cultural taste, ie: I decide to being an Emo Kid as fuck. I listened to Emo bands, I dress like Emo bands, I scream at every Alone At Last shows, heartbreak like Emo kid, I writing devastated poems like Emo kid, and I start an Emo band. Yet, the most important is the 2 social spheres successfully distracting me from home, which I no longer knew with.

After finish HS I decided to take a moment to think about my future, so I not in hurry get into college. Like most of school-bonded HS alumni I pretty often still come to school. Thanks to our occupied Warung, so I always know where I should take shelter. 2 life changing things happened then. First, I met my first long last girlfriend. Second, I join a look-kinda-gonnabe-rockstar band. Not at once the two different interest got head-to-head!. Yet they’re still got along hand by hand. The girl is a freshman in my HS. So we’re separated generation. I met her at the first time when I have a meeting with my band near school. It’s a cliché that I have bigger guts as fuckin alumni to come to her, greeting and ask her phone number. Since then, a full week I spend my time with her and ask her to be my GF, and voila she accepted me. Soon I knew the reason she want to be my GF is because of the spreading news about me and my band. Our band is like HS hero then. Again, it’s a fuckin cliché. But, in fact even a cheesy reason could lead into a 7 years relationship. Strange huh!.

The band is another story. Lovely Lolita, we’re named it after a single of local shoegaze band The Milo, although our music is not a dot like them. So it all starts when I invited to featuring with one of my HS band at one single, which then listed into an indie compilation. Me and one of its guitar player thought we’re should making Emo project together. So we’re looking for another player, then we’re met a drummer who still a HS kiddos in my HS then. Then our band started with only 3 players. I took a role as Vocal and Bass then. We’re recorded a single demo and spread it on MySpace. Surprisingly, the acceptance is huge. So we’re playing from gigs to gigs. Our music evolving as our influences richen. So we’re thinking to have a bass player and I just focus on vocal. Then we’re being 4 player Metalcore/Post-Hardcore band. We’re record 3 more songs plus 1 song at the brink of our breakup. Our fans base growing bigger, we’re lined up in a big league gigs, and one of major Radio enlisted us as one of must watch indie band. So, it was a really fuckin 4 years of awesome time.

I took on college a year after I graduate from HS. I get a diploma program in state university in Bandung. I took Broadcasting major. It’s clear then I get on that major because of my “serious passion” in music industry. I thought, if I work in broadcasting company it’ll easier to “spot lighting” my band. But it’s not going well academically. My grade is average. It’s because soon I realize that I actually not into Broadcasting. At 20 I started to blown by books and thoughts. So that’s when the pseudo-criticize dimension of me started. One of my lecturer said that I suppose to took Political Science major. That’s be my battery to get off. Luckily my mom accepted it and get me into PolSci related Bachelor program in one of mediocre university. Although then financially we’re kind of broke. But that’s my mom, she push herself and eagerly sacrifice her life just to ensure her son not fail.

I start my second Uni almost 21. In contrary with what happened in primary, there my age are 2-3 years above average. So I always think it’s a setback. I try not to waste it since this is my second chance. Then I accelerating everything, my time overly consumed by reading books, writing paper, seminars, and other academic things. It’s obvious I left almost other thing behind. That’s moment I no longer dealt with music and band stuff. The path that seems like been written, the other player focus chasing their own project. So that left me with 1 thing, my girlfriend whom struggling enter a new life phase, college. At that point of life we’re destined to get along, our life line walk side by side. Struggling to graduate from school and find a decent job. We’re also financially not sufficient, so we take any after school job. I work for my Uncle as tour guide to pay my semester. From 21 to 24 my old social life melt into thin air, instead I make new friends with people in academic and activism circle. Which then I realize has huge contribution to shape my thought and mental.

Entering new social sphere shocked me mentally that time. I really change into someone I don’t even know. A skeptical and over-thought pseudo-academic person. You know, that asshole kind of person who ultra assuming their thought being original and super right. At that time I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with my music circle friends. So I totally left them. As a replacement, I’m diving deep into books and activism. Which I believe they are my “true” passion and moronically my life path. I really mean it that time, my writing published at prominent activism web site, presenting my thought at seminars and discussion, being part of mass demonstration, etc. With that load of activity I still finish college just in 3,5 years. And rightaway I don’t thinking about get a “formal” job anymore, so I decide to get a Master degree at the best state Uni in Indonesia. With my saving from part time job as tour guide I pay the administration. My mom doesn’t know that I already accepted at Master degree. Till when the school calendar is coming I tell mom that I going to Jogja for 2 years. My mom shocked. Not only by the fact that I choose to extend my school year, but also by the fact that I’m going to live away from home for a quite long time. So I say sayonara. I leave mom in confusion.

The Master year been super well for me, I got almost Suma Cumlaude at my first semester. My paper presented at Bangkok and Rangoon. Though, unfortunately I don’t get there to present them by myself. The problem is classic. I broke. My saving run out fast. Thanks to unplanned budgeting and excessive drunk habit. Plus I only got a little amount of money from writing project. So in the brink of the second semester I don’t have any money on my pocket. So that was my first experience being financially broke.

Somehow although with my academic achievements I don’t get any of scholarship. Even I mail my Rector then to ask tuition fee postponed, and no answer. So with that condition, at that time I don’t see any reason to stay in Jogja. So I back to Bandung with head facing down like the losing army march back from devastating battlefield. I already knew what I’m going to face, thousand mock. And that come from my own family. But I knew, I was wrong been took some huge decision spontaneously without any plan ahead. So I swallow the pills.

It’s been quite a time to stand on my feet once more. This is the second time I fail at college, the different is this time I fail not by my academic issue, but a god damn run out of cash. My heart break and I fall so deep haunted by my failure. But whatever it takes I should rerun my life. Fortunately one of my friend recommend me to his boss. He just built a research institution, so he hire people to work with him. And I got the job which is suits me. Not only the job, but also the office location, it’s in Bandung. So I work like a year there, until some shit happened again. The company declare bankruptcy!. For brief of time I still can live by some cash I save. But it doesn’t take long till I got broke, once more. So in such devastated time I randomly throw my CV to any open vacancy. I visit every job fair, I sent bunch of mail. What I get is nothing. It’s understandable now why it is happened. I am 26 then. While I wait for job interview, I took any work that I able to do. In example, I’ve been working as part time primary school teacher in my mom office. I teach Social. Then I begin to accept my condition. Yet I know I can do better. So I still connected with activist and academic circle. From the same circle, I met with the second girl I declare as a “serious” relationship. Actually she is not from that circle, but more like friend of my friend. We’re accidentally met at one café when I have a meeting about an event we’re going to run.

Friend of mine greets me with her, who eventually is one of that café share holder. I don’t know, but somehow we’re so easily connected. Our conversation last till the café close. And that is the start. From then we’re regularly meet and somehow our relationship up a level to “a relationship”. We’re thru a great days together. It is possible that our life line slightly different. She just graduate from college that time and I am a jobseeker cum part timer guy. That’s preconditioned us to can spend a lot of time together. But then I got the job in Jakarta and she work in Bandung. Even though we’re still regularly meet when she back her home in Jakarta, but our relationship start to tumble. It’s partly because I’m in adaptation phase with Jakarta and she just starting work in Jakarta. So our communication start dismissed. We’re lost in translation. And at 6 month of our relationship we’re decide to breaking up.

I get a quite decent and suit job in media industry. Since the break up I decide to focus on how to struggling in Jakarta, build my career Monday to Friday and have some reboot in Saturday and Sunday. At the same time I begin to fix my relationship with my family, one of the reason I start a worker life. But it’s not until the 6th month I work then I rethink about what am I wanted to achieve in Jakarta. So I start to redirect my life. And I thought I should save some cash to prepare my future. Yet I still don’t know what am I going to do with that cash. Then I remember one of line in an Indian clan movie, if I not mistaken it is Appache. At the closing, the main actor had a convo with his counterparts. They’re talking about land property ownership.

The whole movie highlighted the conflict between Indians and the invader to claim a land. One of the line got stuck in my head ever since, the chief Appache tell a young brave warrior that “ain’t a men without a land”. Thus when it comes to saving, I always thought that I should save my cash in property not a mere virtual digit in Bank Account. So I tell my mom and she support my idea. Then I went to developer and bank, they accepted my mortgage proposal. At 27 I mark a monumental decision to pay credit to bank for long years. So I start my 28 with years of credit on my back but property on my feet.

Now I’m 28. What does it means by being a 28?. That question keep buzzing me days before I turn a year older till now when I officially 28. Honestly I still don’t know the answer. But I just knew that it is the time that I should continue step my feet to the next phase of life. I should be more stabile, mentally and materially. So when the time to settle comes, I’ll be ready or at least prepared. How to do that?. Simply by fix a once broken thing back then and set timeline goals. So I set it up. Now I got my 2 year plan. If that realize, and it should, it would be another monumental life decision. I wish. May the lord open.*** Bandung 26 January 2018 Ps: Sorry if my grammar sucks. It’s unedited and I don’t give a fuck, tho!

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