#My friends mom also has memory problems so i do my absolute best to help her keep track of certain things

[brindlestorm]

One of the worst things about having memory problems (for me at least) is when you have a totally mundane memory about something that somehow manage to stick with you for so long and someone says “that was never a thing”, so you spend months or years thinking it’s not real and you just made it up until someone else comes along and says “yeah I totally remember [x] thing, loved/hated that stuff growing up”.

And then suddenly you have validation that its real so you start questioning everything else people told you wasn’t real and leads to more and more anxiety as your world kind of crumbles without actually falling apart if that makes sense.

[lunatic-pudge]

Scout, Pyro, Demo, Medic, Sniper, and Spy Relationship Headcanons

Can you tell which ones are my absolute favorite:')

Scout

• Unsurprisingly, it takes him a long time to get over his infatuation of Ms. Pauling (I'm 110% convinced she's a lesbian), so you must be basically a deity to be catching his attention (though he'd the type to flirt with EVERYONE)

• Golden retriever energy, also youngest child energy. Constantly wants to do everything for you but also needs constant attention. He's also used to be getting picked on by the other mercs and his older brothers so he'll be going to you for validation. But he also doesn't want to appear weak so it'll take some time to break through his (fragile) shell.

• Love language: physical touch and acts of services. Will be constantly trying to act like a macho man for you but will also beg to hold your hand. Cuddles are constant. He may not be good at being a handyman, but my gods he's gonna try his darndest. Plz tell him that he did a good job, he's trying his best.

• He's the best person to go to if you wanna go on randon and unexpected adventures. One minute you're both in Teufort, the next your across country at the beach up east coast. Poor thing gets yelled at a lot for just uping and leaving without notice.

• Local snack dealer. Ma is always making sure that he's got sweets on hand. His room has care packages from her with some of the most wholesome letters from her and the box if FILLED to the brim with sweets, treats, and soda

Pyro

• My little baby boo, a wholesome partner who would kill for you. Can get jealous very easily so you might have to hold them back from committing manslaughter.

• Love language: quality time and gift giving. Time with Pyro is time well spent. Constantly just wants to be in the same room with you. They don't do well when you're not around. Also loves to give gifts. Most of their gifts consit of stuffed animals and handmade drawings. Your room will be filled with gifts from this goofball.

• In my opinion, they're a lot more there than people realize. Some days are better than others though. They were literally CEO of an engeneering company! And I believe they made all their weapons to but I could be wrong on that. Homie is definitely reliable when they're having a good day, but on the bad days, just sit and spend time with them. You don't gotta say anything, just knowing your right there beside them is enough conformation to know you'll always be there no matter what.

• You two are little troublemakers. You'll constantly be up to no good with them. It seems like harmless fun, but you've both almost burnt down the base five times just this month!

Demoman

• Probably one of the best lovers you could have out of all the mercs (aside from Engie, they're competing for the number one spot). I'm deducting points cause of the nonstop alcohol consumpution. :(

• But he is a happy goofy dunk so thank gods for that. Always happy to be here. Very attentive, caring, cuddly, overall a good person to date or even just be friends with.

• Cause the constant alcohol ruined a good portion of his memory (and Medic as well), he writes down every little detail of you that he can in a little journal he secretly keeps on his person. Important dates, likes, dislikes, ect. The man has it on file in case of emergencies.

• Love language: gift giving and act of services. He works three jobs and makes over 5 mil a year, he's LOADED. He's gonna buy you the world if you ask. Definitely good at money managing so he never worried at how much gifts cost. He's also gonna try his darndest to help you out with any problems, though it can be a bit hard when you're constantly drunk. Hims trying his best, okay?

• Wants his mom to approve of you but knows how critical she is of him. Poor baby has some self-esteem issuses cause of her so please give him lots of love and support. It's hard when your mom never has anything nice to say about you and compares you to everyone else. It's a neverending struggle. :(

Medic

• You're definitley into weird and questionable people if you like this man, and that means we're best friends now. :D

• He will ask you to help him out with surgeries and organizing his lab. You're hims little nurse. He'd probably (absolutley) be getting you a nurse outfit with his symbol on it.

• He's very much the possessive type. What's his is HIS, no if, ands, buts, or questions about it. Would put a tracker in you so he knows where you are at all times, but someone would have to talk him out of doing it... for now...

• Constantly talks about you to his birds, if any on them ever have babies, he's naming one after you. Would get you a stuffed dove plushie to cuddle with at night when he can't be there with you

• Love language: physical touch and quality time, you're ALWAYS welcomed in his lab, in fact, he expects you to be there with him. Is the type to ask you to grab something and will graze his hands against yours when grabbing it from you. (then give a shit eating smirk afterwards) He'd also be the type to stand VERY close to you, and stand behind you in an intimidating way to keep others from talking to you.

Sniper

• This man is my all time baby boy so I have LOTS to say about him and how much I love him :')

• Is someone who takes a while to get close to, especially in a romantic way. He's just a shy little boy who's used to being alone. But isn't introverted, just has introverted tendencies (you literally see him hanging out with some of the other mercs in Expiration Date)

• Love language: words of affirmations and physical touch, he sucks at verbally saying how he feels about you but will leave cute little love notes around for you to find. He's also VERY touched-starved so he will just flat out lay on top of you if you let him. Loves hearing you say how much you love him, plz just hold his hands and say how much he means to you, he might just cry from it.

• Is also someone who goes on random adventures, but they're usually just out and away from everyone. But I could see him taking you to a zoo or aquarium to look at the animals. But you're not allowed to go to a Humane Society cause you'll be walking out with all the animals they have and raising them like they're your babies,

Spy

• Another gremlin who takes a long time to warm up to you. He's a grumpy old man who's never really been with someone in such a serious light (aside from Scout's Ma)

• Love language: gift giving and words of affirmation, another merc who would buy you the world if you asked. Will only buy you the best of the best and will throw hands with someone if it's not up to his standards. He could go on about his love for you. His words sound like poetry. You'd wake up with a bouquet of roses and one of the most beautiful love letters anyone has ever read.

• Is 50/50 on PDA, he'll wrap an arm around your waist, call you beautiful, and give you a peck on the cheek in front of others but that's about it. Any extreme PDA is to be in private or you're getting a scolding.

• Would definitely help you learn French. He's way more patient with you than anyone else. You've seen him yell and insult every merc a couple times (Scout getting the brunt of it), but he refuses to ever say anything negative about you

• Definitely the bragging type. He'll put you on a pedestal and go on about how gorgeous you are. How you were crafted by gods, and so on. He thinks he's better than everyone else so if you're with him, than you're right up there with him.

[themetaphorgirl]

where I've been

hello friends! it's me!

I know my presence has been really hit or miss over the past year and change. if you want the short version, life has just been really tough, but I'm at the point where I really want to feel like life feels more normal again, which includes writing and posting and being more active.

if you'd like the deluxe edition of what's been going on, I do feel like I want to share what's been happening. it's been really rough and the next steps are only going to be more difficult, so knowing I have friends rooting for me will really help.

you don't have to read if you don't want to, it's kind of a bummer! the biggest takeaway is that I've been going through a garbage time but I want to start writing regularly again, so hopefully you'll see a lot more of me moving forward.

everything else below the cut!

tw: pregnancy, pregnancy loss

okay so. y'all know I got married in December 2022 (and we are still very happily married!!). we've known from the getgo that we want a family, but hadn't quite pulled the trigger.

well, there was another situation that happened that made me realize that I really wanted to start trying now, but it also unlocked a really deep trauma. when I was 23 I was in a really horrible relationship, and I got pregnant. and I ended up miscarrying pretty early on. and I got zero support. that's the short version.

I ended up, I guess for my own sanity, blocking it out. there's big gaps in my memory that just. don't exist. and for a long time I told myself it didn't happen. later, when I acknowledged that it did happen, I told myself that it was for the best, that I would have been a bad mother at that point in my life, that I would have had to maintain contact with my ex, that it just wasn't the right time and it was a good thing that I lost my baby.

the problem was I never grieved. I never healed. it was all just locked away and festering and killing me slowly.

so I ended up spending a good part of last year grieving and trying to deal with pain that I should have dealt with years ago. which...let me tell you, it's a rough process.

and at the same time, I realized that I wanted to start trying. my whole life I've wanted to be a mom. I've wanted five kids for as long as I can remember. Every time I pictured the future I pictured children. And I didn't want to wait anymore. which...is extra complicated to start that process when you're also in the midst of unpacking trauma.

and as you might have guessed...I'm not pregnant yet.

I'm very lucky that my work has a great medical program and they don't have waiting periods to see fertility specialists, so I started seeing doctors last April. And there's nothing wrong. I've done bloodwork, I've done ultrasounds, I've done so many tests, Shane has been tested. We've done three medicated cycles with trigger shots. They can't find anything wrong. They keep shrugging and saying that it's just the matter of the right time.

Unexplained infertility is a bitch.

It's so painful. It's so unfair. And because of my job I'm constantly doing orders for pregnancy announcements and gender reveals and baby's first Christmas. I cannot tell you how many times I've run to the bathroom to cry because I just can't handle being surrounded by reminders that I'm not anybody's mother yet.

I'm currently on cycle 17 of trying. which. that on its own hurts so much. s e v e n t e e n.

we have to hold off on starting the next steps because Shane lost his job (which is another absolutely insane stressor) but he's in a new job that he loves and pays better, and I'm getting a referral for a new clinic for a second opinion. but it looks like we're going to move forward with IVF.

I'm very very lucky that my work will pay for a significant amount towards IVF, but there's still payments we have to make, so we're working on getting our ducks in a row. and it's a terrifying prospect. medications and egg retrieval (my first surgery ever) and transfers. and the crippling fear that they won't get enough eggs or none of them will fertilize or the transfer won't be successful. it's eating me away. I've been feeling like such a shell of myself, every failed cycle feels like another piece of me has faded away.

right now I'm trying to focus on getting myself in as healthy as a place as possible, emotionally and physically, before we start procedures. am I still hoping that I'll get pregnant without IVF? oh, desperately. but at this point, nearly a year and a half into trying, this is probably going to be our best bet.

so moving forward, I'm hoping I can start doing things that make me happy again. I've spent most of the past year and a half being incredibly depressed and not really doing anything other than laying around in bed. I did discover Lockwood & Co thanks to Maeve, and that's helped so much because it gave me something new to think about and fixate on (and write for), but it's still been rough and sporadic. which, actually, is a good describer of how the past year has gone. I need to get back into living again.

in the meantime thank you for everybody who's checked in on me, especially QuiddoDitto. I haven't really had the energy to message back, but I've seen the comments and messages and it's meant so much to me while I slog through this.

hopefully things will get better soon! hopefully I start feeling like a person again! hopefully I'll be writing and posting regularly because I miss it!

and hopefully there'll be a baby in my arms soon.

[kiingfluffybuns]

in another episode of Burns talking about TGED without reading the novel and only focusing on the webtoon as source material

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can we talk for a moment about Kim Suho and his Best Friend whose name I do not know (if it was mentioned before, pls lemme know)??

Now, I tend to focus a lot on the imagery of the narrative, like I mentioned before, since in the webtoon we do not have literal text to describe actual scenes, it has pushed to take its liberties on how it develops.

We have seen it on the mayor differences between N!Javier and W!Javier. (I was told.)

With that being said, my current theory in the matter is that Kim Suho is NOT a reliable narrator.

What do I mean with that?

SPOILERS,

(I will not post screenshots bc of spoilers)

In today's CH, we begin with a flashback of Kim Suho meeting w his rich Best Friend who he invites to the bath-house.

Now, Suho mentioned before on a previous flashback that his Best Friend invites him to eat out a lot just for the mere satisfaction of showing off his money. And while it's absolutely hilarious to think so, I do believe it wasn't the case.

In this new memory, Best Friend offers him the service for free, shaking Suho a lot, he questions him and the replies he gets are pretty simple, 'my mom owns the place', 'I'm helping her today', but all of that while he's making a very wicked smile.

This gave me the realization that all of this sequence is strictly within Suho's POV, which we can interpret the whole interaction was actually twisted to fit his narrative.

There's a high chance that Best Friend is doing all of these things out of real kindness and bc he does care for Suho.

But bc he refuses to believe ppl does things out of nowhere (like himself), he is convinced that he's being mocked.

For Suho, it has to be that way, he can only receive any kind of help as long as there's a 'catch', just the same way he gives help.

It also makes him upset to understand that his Best Friend knows his schedule well enough to show up at the proper time to ask him to hang out. Which in retrospect, is not that weird.

With time we all get to know when friends/family get off and on to work. It's not rocket science. But bc Suho is not making that same effort for his Best Friend, he assumes that that's the norm.

Why is he doing all of these things? Why does he know when he's free? How does he know he needs to relax?

Bc those are normal things to know of ppl one's close to.

But for Suho, he doesn't take that as relevant to give effort to. So much that he doesn't understand the simpler answers to those questions because he, himself, wouldn't answer them normally. They have to be negative.

Now, this made me believe that he's not being properly truthful with these memories, since he's convinced that all of these 'kind' actions were made w the idea of being mocked by.

After all, regardless of what was the memory, it's extremely normal that ppl will retell a story to fit their narrative.

In this case, that Best Friend just wanted to be entertained with Suho's struggles.

Now, this doesn't seems to happen when it comes to Javier, and the answer I came up for that might be a bit painful. Unconsciously, Suho probably still sees Javier as a fictional character and not a real person. So to give him effort doesn't seems wasteful since he's not 'real'

After all, this story falls into the same gender as Isekai, 'escapism'. So Suho wouldn't have a problem to blend and care for the new ppl around him bc they are not real. They are part of his escapism. Ofc I'm sure that is changing bc he's now seeing the family and home as his. It's just matter of time when he understands that he's actually building proper interpersonal relationships.

That's all I have for now, good night.

ps, if you don't agree, just block me and move on LMFAO.

[nientedal]

my phone is being annoying but BOOK EMOJI

ahahaha omg 😂 ok so book emoji, talking about a fic i have in my head but have never written down!

stereotypical amnesia fic beneath the cut, lol

Roxanne gets into some kind of accident and hits her head. Wakes up in the hospital with her mother dozing in a chair. Mom is OVERJOYED Roxanne is awake; it's been sort of touch and go for a while as to whether she would wake up at all. She's had people working on a solution but this will be such good news, hooray, she's lucid, she's feeling mostly fine--

And then Roxanne sees the ring on her finger, and oh. Okay. She is not fine, actually. She's lost nearly all of the last three years, and several prior to that are exceptionally spotty.

Her mom is left with the unenviable position of navigating some...ah...fairly major news. Yes, you're very happy together. Three rings, right, wedding band and two engagement; you're sort of...well, also married to his best friend? What's that word your brother is...? Aromantic, queerplatonic, yes. Neither of them is anyone I would have ever picked for you, but you're happy and I do know when I'm beaten, so... well, anyway, the only reason your man isn't here is I made him go home to take a shower and a nap. And to start putting together a better MRI scanner so he would stop fretting over your charts. Yes, he's building it himself. And no I haven't said his name yet, and... yes you do probably already know him, it's just-- well, you see-- um-- tell, tell you what, let's call Wayne, shall we? I think this will probably sound a little better coming from Wayne--

So that's a thing.

Roxanne takes the news...not well, but not totally poorly either. Mostly she's just stunned. But if her mother can admit she's happy with Megamind, that says a lot. That's...promising. Reassuring. And Wayne confirms everything her mother has said, which is similarly reassuring.

Megamind, on the other hand, takes it VERY poorly. Wayne says she's awake and his heart leaps, and then Wayne says there's a slight problem, her last clear memory of you is from early 2009, and his heart sort of collapses in his chest. He's been working on his self-worth and has come a long way but he's had a long two weeks and right now, from where he's sitting, all he can think is that Roxanne was a miracle that is not going to happen twice. This is absolutely the end for them. He'll start researching divorce lawyers immediately.

(Roxanne is initially of the opinion that yes, that is probably for the best, but Wayne convinces her to at least give the little guy a chance. Come on, Roxie, for Minion’s sake. Please?)

From here it's sort of...Roxanne slowly regaining her footing. Traumatic brain injuries are a helluva drug; her mind works differently from how it used to and it's a struggle sometimes in ways she doesn't expect. And she can't remember things she wants to and it's SO disorienting, and Megamind and Minion are obviously both struggling as well for other reasons but they are being so lovely with her, and she keeps shying away and it's awful, she hates it. Megamind gave her a photo album to maybe help her put some things together, and it isn't really working yet but maybe if she just keeps at it she'll be able to remember just a little more-- okay, Wayne was right, he is worth trying, but come ON, brain, fucking WORK--

Megamind wanders down to the kitchen in the wee hours one morning a few weeks later for a snack or something and Roxanne is there with the album. She's...having a little bit of a moment. Little bit of a cry. She's sitting at the kitchen table looking at this one picture that someone took of all three of them-- Megamind and Roxanne and Minion when they were on some vacation somewhere together and Roxanne snuck up behind the other two to pounce on them and hug both of them at once. So she's in the middle with her arms around their shoulders and all three of them are laughing. And she's like, "I can't remember this and I WANT TO, we look so HAPPY and I don't know if I'll ever get any of this back-- you're so sweet to me now and your bed smells like home and I don't know why and I want to, I want to--"

He's been keeping his distance since she came home. Has been waiting and letting her initiate whatever contact between them. But he goes to her now and pulls her into a hug without thinking because he cannot fucking stand it, and she just wraps her arms around him as hard as she can.

"Okay," he says, patting her hair and trying to think of what to do and mostly just wanting to burst into tears right along with her. "Okay. It's okay."

It's not okay. It's not okay and she doesn't know how to make it be okay, but it's been a few weeks and Roxanne is tired of waiting to maybe remember and tired of hoping for something that isn't coming and tired in general, and so she asks him to come to bed with her. Just stay with her, please; she's freaking out and she wants to be held, and fuck it. Fuck it. Come to bed.

In the morning at breakfast, hearing all this, Minion says, okay. So, photo album isn't working, or if it is it's not working the way we were hoping for. New plan: let's go on another trip? Let's all go somewhere together. Traveling. Maybe go see some places we've seen already, definitely go see some places we've never seen. Maybe your old memories will come back and maybe they won't, but either way we'll make new memories and have a good time making them. Let's go.

.............And idk if that's the end of the story or if there's more story that's just them going around places. I haven't played much with the traveling itself

[weabooweedwitch]

Dude... I'm just gonna preface this by saying I have full empathy for the fact that you're struggling and that your mom isnt doing enough and has a lot of issues... but threatening suicide as a means to get what you want and telling someone they would be responsible for your suicide (!) is manipulative and actually crosses the line into emotional abuse. You're in the right in terms of your overall argument but it's totally understandable that your mom wouldn't want to talk to you in that moment if you're calling her a fucking idiot and verbally abusing her. Her responses were appropriate and boundary-setting as she was in the middle of something. I get she's your mom but you're an adult... you can express your frustration to her but you weaponized suicide threats against her and bullied her into action. Action she needed to take but the way you went about it was not ok. If you feel suicidal, go to a hospital and get help. don't use it as a weapon to hurt your mom and 'get payback' for her faults or make her feel guilty enough to do what you want

Asks that have me googling personality disorders because you probably couldn't be telling me this in a nicer way and even the slightest sign of criticism unlocks such a like borderline violent emotional reaction in me that like I basically instantly couldn't care less what you're saying because it's about me and "negative" and "ok if that's how you think fuck you too then" and these knee-jerk emotional responses are literally significantly impacting my life to the point I'm like maybe a month away if even, like probably WITHIN the next month, of just. Absolutely losing my temper on a manager or something and then there's another job I've lost because I physically cannot keep my cool

memory recalls a doc telling me once he thought I had BPD and my immediate reaction to that was getting offended and he's the only doctor I've ever seen that suggested a personality disorder besides a therapist who said I probably have DPD and helped me get on disability because I was so like mentally crazy I couldn't function for a while (and of course the second I get a job they kicked me off my benefits so, yeah, nothing like feeling trapped to stay working so I'm not on the streets). But like whats the point of seeking treatment in a country that doesn't have affordable healthcare. Which is funny because I'm actually on state insurance right now and it expires later this year but even when I have it I'm terrified of using it "because what if something doesn't go through and I still get charged"

But also like. It's pointless. My life is already like this. There's no improving it. There's no magically fixing me or her. My life is constant problems. Like now my cat is refusing to eat his special bladder food because my idiot mother keeps leaving the regular food down in large quantities and now Allister refuses to eat the expensive rx food that literally stops him from forming more urinary stones. All because she wouldn't listen to me literally begging her to watch him when he eats. Like literally, he's hungry right now and refusing to eat it and is looking for the food he's not supposed to eat, like he's literally choosing nothing over his dietery food. What am I supposed to do, let him eat whatever he wants and keep wasting money on preventable vet visits. I literally feel like I have no choice but to put him down the next time he gets a medical crisis because if this isn't curable and we can no longer treat or prevent it, I just don't have the money to go to the vet over and over and over and over. And there's my little best furry friend that I raised from a baby, gone, because I can't do anything

I tell my mom I'm struggling and I get invalidated. I tell my work I'm struggling and get invalidated. I'm just a hateful nasty person now and I'm actively wishing something horrible would happen to me. Maybe these beaus lines in my nails will be a serious illness. Maybe my constant significant digestive issues is some form of cancer. Maybe if I'm lucky when I'm going to work tonight an oncoming car will lose control and slam into mine killing me instantly

It's just. You can't. Fix so many of these things. At least not immediately, not without time. And not without money. And I don't have either. I can't even remember how many hours i slept today and now I'll be heading to work in an hour where I'll be called lazy in a roundabout way and spend my entire shift crying and obsessively worrying about all the bills I have to help pay and maybe try and apply for other jobs

But it's also like. Why. What am I living for besides like. Consuming substances and media. It's not like I can live without working and I'm starting to wonder if I'm just lirerallt too pathetic and wimpy and lacking of work ethic while also being full of trauma to fully support myself. I keep going from taking pride in how hard I'm managing to work and being absolutely devastated because like. I'm turning 27 this year, I didn't start working until 22, and I just have no savings, nothing to show for it, I'm running out of time, I'm getting older, I'm developing complexes over aging as I see the noticeable changes in my skin and hair and how my fucking bones hurt, and it's just like. Why should I even go to work tonight. I'm just kicking the metaphorical depression can down the road.

It's whatever. Have an emotional episode, contemplate dying, have a cry, recover, feel like a freak, hope the next episode drives me so upset I actually do it next time, wash rinse repeat, wanting something to happen but too lazy and scared to do it myself. I tell myself it's good I still have a job because it's literally forcing me to function but like. I'll be real and say if I lose job again, which would is a 50/50 toss up of my fault and them burying me in work, that, I dunno how I'll keep myself together, especially because, like, potentially disordered eating habits aside I've been losing a lot of weight partially because my job keeps me so active and it's been a huge boost to my mental health, so, if I lose that "free gym membership" so to speak, being forced to be active by necessity of my employment, thatll tank my mood again when I start gaining weight back because, I'm literally just maybe a month or so away from being a weight I haven't been in like. 15 years.

Sigh. It's time for me to be getting ready for work and I think I only slept about 4 or 5 hours. Nothing a protein meal replacement shake won't help with. Maybe I'll start drinking coffee to force myself awake so I can keep being a good little employment robot

[zip-toonz]

Please tell the masses the ideas you’ve had for Calem and Serena!! Your designs for them are adorable and I’d love to hear more about your interpretations of The Frenchies

Sure thing!

Both of them have bits about them that represent different parts of the player character.

Calem: I made him selectively mute because he's meant to represent the main player character who doesn't have a lot of dialogue. He will talk when he feels like it and that's mostly with the friend group, Sycamore, His mother, or if he feels its absolutely necessary. He mainly uses sign language and occasionally the holocaster/a notepad if he's not speaking with someone who knows sign. His friends and Sycamore learned sign to make conversations more inclusive for him.

I gave him the female excusive nickname C-Kins because honestly the only gendered nick name is Lady and this is my house. The group started calling him Seaking because C-Kins sounded like Seaking if said fast enough. He loves the nickname.

He's the son of Grace. Which contrasts to the Serena usually being her daughter (anime/manga). He actually enjoys rhyhorn racing and doesnt mind his mom teaching him. Him being selected to be a dex holder was his mothers idea to get him out of the house a bit and Sycamore was happy to include him. He picked Froakie as a starter.

His journey wasn't about being the best trainer but more so about exploration. He likes helping Shauna with her scrapbook and stopping to take it all in. He did obtain the 8 badges but never really beat the league because well it was never on his to do list. Even so he still gave Serena a challenge.

The feather in his hair is a molted feather from his mothers Fletchling. It makes him feel close to home as he travels.

Serena: She's Meant to represent the main rival but has some Player characteristics to her. Shes the one with the mega ring and beat the Champion. Unlike in the anime and manga she's the daughter of the 'amazing trainers' mentioned by Shauna. Serena loves training to the point she's often sunburnt from staying out doing so and forgetting to use sunscreen. Most people assumed her passion is because her parents pressured her but that's false. Her starter was Chespin. and she has the Battle Chateau title of Marchioness.

Out of the friend group she's the natural leader. Despite having a fiery nature to her she's the coolest under pressure and tends to step in to be the voice of reason when situations get tense. Part of training is patience and quick decision making and since battling is second nature to her it carries over into other parts of her life. Not to say she's never acted impulsively. The team flare situation was a bunch of quick decisions some of which were impulsive or heavily influenced by emotion. She tends to keep Shauna and Tierno (the most emotionally driven people in the group) from acting based on feelings if it would be detrimental to them. She knows your heart is in the right place but you cant help anyone if you get hurt by not having a plan. She knows youre upset but this argument isn't going to solve the problem. And yet in situations like Trevor's mom or Team Flare all that's thrown out the window and she's also acting on emotion and adrenaline.

She got the nickname of S- Meister (its my house gendered nicknames don't exist anymore brought to you by nonbinary gang/lh). Tierno gave it to her because of her skills as a trainer. But Shauna calls her Rena/Rina. She enjoys participating in her friends passions so they have a reason to push themselves further. Trevor likes dex battles? ok! lets go fishing to see who can catch the most individual water pokemon. Tierno likes dance? Cool! lets make a pair choreography! Shauna likes scrapbooking and writing journals about her journey? Time to make as many memories together as possible! Calem likes Ryhorn racing? Even if its casual shes happy to learn from him to give him a bit of friendly competition.

[onyxheartbeat]

Two days ago, my love got the call that his mother passed away. He got the call right in front of me. She’d been living with Alzheimer’s, in a care facility for quite some time. She was incredibly strong and had lived much longer than the doctor’s predicted she would. I met my love a few years before she was diagnosed, so he’s kept me fairly informed about this journey. They didn’t have the best relationship but he’s been a devoted son and still loved her.

He broke in front of me the other night. I witnessed a literal breakdown and didn’t know how to help him. I tried my best but it was an awful night. He was numbing himself with substances and kept falling, even fell down his stairwell. The things he was saying were so dark, but at the same time he was like a child asking to be loved by me, and telling me that he loved me and it broke my heart. He had no recollection of me leaving, and said he’d searched the house for me after I left. I tried so hard to put him to bed and stay the night and watch over him but I had to come home; he wasn’t trying to accept help nor help himself. I was absolutely exhausted. It was complex because we talked about when our last days together might be on top of the fact that his mother passed. I cannot imagine my mother dying, much less her dying of that disease, even less with all the other family problems he’s had to go through with his siblings. I couldn’t judge him for how he dealt with it all.

His mother’s death has accelerated his deadline with me. His plan has been to sell her house (in which he lives now) when she passed and then he’s going to move across country. We expected the date to be in late February, unless she passed sooner. He will be getting ready to leave sooner than we thought and I sobbed in his arms the other night because of it. He and I have such limited time. I’m just so devastated for him now that he’s grieving. I haven’t been able to be there for him the last day or so because I had plans with my mother last night and I work this afternoon. He had a much better day today, and his other friend was there for him to help him sign the documents for his mom, thankfully.

I just don’t know if I have a couple weeks left with him or four weeks. I have no idea. I don’t know what I’m going to do. He half-jokingly suggested I move to the state he’s moving to, but I have no way of doing so. I’m not even upset because I know this is how it has to be but I also know I’m going to break. He has a son to take care of and he’ll be able to put me in a box as just a memory. I believe him when he says he’ll always carry me with him no matter where he is, but I’ll be just another person of the past. All of this coupled with his heart failure diagnoses. I just…

[lettuceloather]

some things i never or rarely do as someone who has dealt with disordered eating for 10+ years.. and won’t. and no one will convince me to for my mental or physical health

nothing on my page are things i recommend for you to do. my entire page is a literal diary for my own record. however, these things help me not go too extreme and keep me sane.

i don’t count olive oil in my calories. i just don’t. i use the smallest amount possible to cook my food and keep it pushing. it needs to be there to cook my food, i’m not going to beat myself up about it and shame myself. at the end of the day i will still be in a massive calorie deficit with it without a splash of oil if i’m eating wisely. the numbers on the scale will continue to drop.

i dont fast for more than 24 hours. my body personally can’t handle it and i won’t put myself through it. fasting for long periods of time (purposefully or because of depression or other reasons) also has habitually caused me to begin a pattern of binging. it’s not for me.

i dont measure ingredients for basic meals. i’ve been cooking for a decade. i know what a cup looks like, i know what half a cup and a fourth look like. i also read packaging to know how many servings are supposed to be in something. if i’m doing my math correctly in my head the total number of servings should make sense :P

before my disordered eating started (maybe lol probably not), my friend whose mom most definitely had disordered eating and pushed it on her offered to cook us eggs one morning after a sleepover. she asked if i wanted cheese, measured her own cheese then proceeded to tell me i didn’t have to have mine measured. i’ll never forget this because she was trying to spare me from her habits but it felt like i wasn’t good enough to join her in being skinny and she was okay with me eating like “junk,” however, taking a measuring cup to measure anything for something so simple is bonkers to me :/ and really sad. we were like 14. as long as i’m aware of what i’m putting in my body and can mentally count and measure (i also have a photographic memory) i’m ok.

i will NEVER (be ok with) purge. it happened twice for the first time this year. i didn’t want to do it but i was so nauseous from not eating that when i went to eat something i did throw up. it’s so bad for your teeth. a lot of money was paid for my teeth. i had braces for 3 years. i have permanent metal in my mouth. i’m not trying to fuck up my teeth. it also does not help that much. i would rather work it off or wallow in self pity knowing i fucked up to not do it again.

i will never smoke. i’ve lost too many people to lung cancer. i won’t do it. it’s not worth it.

i don’t make my diet my friends problem. if we are eating out socially i will eat out or drink socially. i try my very best to do so within reason. i also do my absolute best to not binge while out. it’s important to help me maintain my friendships by just doing it and not trying to think about it too much. one meal out 1-2 times a month will not ruin me. canceling on my friends, avoiding plans, not enjoying myself while out will ruin my time with them and will make them not want to continue to see them. i like who i am when i am with them. they like who i am when i am with them. i try to keep my integrity and don’t let my mental health fuck that up, even when i’m struggling. i occasionally will go with i’m not hungry or let’s do this or whatever instead, however, i do not push if the plans are to get dinner. i just get the damn dinner.

i won’t rush progress. it’s dangerous. it’s bad for my metabolism. slow progress IS progress. i eat well below my calorie intake and still move my body. i drop a couple pounds a week. that is progress. it’s more than recommended and i’m not going to push my body to do more than that, especially at my age. my metabolism is already really fucked. it’s so much harder for me to maintain/keep weight off versus my friends.

i might add to this but i reached my ugw right after college. maintained it for a few years, pandemic hit, gained some of it back (not a lot), lost someone close to me last year and gained so much. i stepped on the scale one day and i saw the number that i initially saw at the doctor when i was a teenager when they told me i was overweight and needed to lose weight. it was really triggering then and it was really triggering now to hit that weight again.

when i reached my ugw i never realized how small i actually looked until recently. :/ everyone made comments and told me and i never believed them. i really thought i looked average.

the only thing that made me stop losing weight was being clinically underweight. that scared me.

[purplesurveys]

1556

what is your favorite kind of ice cream? I like the popsicle-style ice cream where there’s a hardened coating you can bite through. Never saying no to those.

if people could read your mind, what would they usually find? My never-ending worries about work and deadlines and clients and deliverables and reports and emails.

who do you talk to on the phone most often? I never use calls (audio or video) as a means to communicate when messaging can achieve the exact same thing, hahaha.

what's a song that makes you feel happy? Jungkook’s Euphoria or Jin’s Moon :)

what celebrity would you like to meet? Namjoon. I feel like I could learn so much from the dude in just five minutes’ worth of conversation.

what's the best concert you've ever been to? Haven’t been to a lot so my answer is unchanging - Paramore, 2018. More than being front row for it, the energy was just something else. I was glad they had moved on from their signature emo/rock style at that point cos it allowed the crowd to be more mellow, so it was a two-hour experience of just dancing freely and a whole lot of chill vibing.

what is your favorite clothing store? H&M, but I also mostly pick out clothes from small independent businesses too cos they have a lot of trendy pieces for like third of the usual price. And you get to support small and local too, which is the best part for me.

how did you meet your best friend? I stabbed her palm with a pencil in Grade 1.

do you need money to be happy? I touched on this in the last survey I took, but the brief answer to this would be yes. I lack privilege in a lot of yes, and I’m in a position where money is an absolute necessity to alleviate my day-to-day worries and problems.

what is something you do well? Pull through my duties while staying stable. I honestly surprise myself with the lack of breakdowns I’ve had this year, despite how taxing work has been.

what's a good idea you've had recently? I guess surprising Bea with milk tea and sushi? We’ve had a lot of teammates leave the company in the span of a week, and long story short it’s left our team in particular considerably understaffed. I know it’s been rough for her knowing she handles a heavier workload than I do, so I got her a little something as a Friday treat but also as a morale booster. And she really liked it, so I hope it was able to help her someway somehow.

what is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? I skip breakfast all the time lol but if I had the luxury of time to actually eat before work, my ideal meal would be garlic rice with a sunny-side up egg and two hotdogs.

how far in advance do you prefer to plan? It depends on what I’m planning for and how enthusiastic I am for the thing that needs planning.

do you like to wear high heels? I love high heels. There aren’t many occasions where I get to wear them, so when I get the chance I definitely pick the highest heels available hahaha.

how many slices of pizza do you usually eat? 2-3, usually.

Can you remember life without technology? what was it like? Nah. I’m a 1998 baby, first of all hahaha. Which means to say technology was already starting to rapidly rise by that point -- a number of my earliest memories involve me watching my dad play games on the PC and my mom painstakingly sending emails to my dad with dial-up internet.

what gift would you like to receive? Master cooking and baking skills. what's the last thing you paid for? LOL the order I booked for a new BTS DVD...

what's the last movie you watched? I think that would be Parasite, which I watched about a month ago.

do you remember your dreams? Some of them.

do you play any instruments? Nah.

do you always smile for pictures? Eh, not always. Sometimes I’ll do cute poses like a kiss face, or like a half smile where I’ll have my teeth out but I’m not actually smiling.

what are you most excited about right now? Next Saturday. Busan concert day is sooooooooo close and I waited for ages for it. I want to make sure I have the best time ever this weekend :)

if you had $5 in your pocket what yould you spend it on? I’d save that for emergencies but realistically I am likely to spend it on Starbucks lol.

how often do you buy things via the internet? At least once a week, and they’re mostly food deliveries.

would you like to live in a different country? if so which one? In a heartbeat, man. Opportunities are anywhere but here. It’s so frustrating. Please don’t take what you’ve got for granted.

what animal would you see first if you went to the zoo? This question was also on another recent survey I took, how strange. I don’t feel like retyping that entire answer though.

if you could switch places with someone for a day, who would it be? This girl I follow on Instagram who’s able to buy literally every BTS merch that comes out and travels to South Korea multiple times a year, whether it’s to watch the boys or visit a bunch of BTS-related spots, whether it’s their favorite restaurants or music video filming areas. I’m not envious of her at all and in fact I really enjoy seeing her life unfold and the different adventures she gets to be a part of, but I’d love to try being her for a day.

do you prefer the aisle, middle, or window seat on a plane? Always the window. Apart from the views it also lets me lean on something when I have to sleep.

what's your favorite song from a movie? Sparkle from Kimi no na wa.

where would you like to volunteer? At an animal shelter or a museum.

would you rather go out for dinner or cook at home? Go out! Dinner’s always a great to be out.

who sent the last text message you received? Apart from the hundred scam messages I get in a day, it was someone related to my work.

what's your favorite flower? Peonies.

what's the last song you listened to? I blame the favorite movie soundtrack question because right now I’m literally listening to the live orchestra version of Sparkle, haha. It’s been a while since I heard the beautiful crescendo and just had to hear it again.

do you like being alone? Sure, I need it every now and then of course.

what was the last thing you ate? Pasta and toast.

how do you find new music? Spotify.

what is your dream travel destination? Seoul!

if you could play any instrument what would it be? Piano.

what's the last youtube video you watched? The aforementioned orchestra video.

where are you going on your next trip? Not so sure. Maybe next month? I know my family’s looking to go out of town once my dad is back home.

what are you currently addicted to? BTS as has been glaringly obvious for some time now, lol.

[acosmicdisappointment]

❌ CROSS MARK — how would your life be different if [name of person] had never been in it? would it be better or worse?

⚔️ CROSSED SWORDS — do you have any skills that you are absolutely grateful you have and that mean a lot to you? how do you usually use these skills? would they come in handy if someone you cared about was in trouble?

🔮 CRYSTAL BALL — what is a core memory from your childhood that you think defines you today?

for ysla!!

❌ CROSS MARK

❝ I'm going to assume I can choose whomever the person is so...If Mirabel had never been in my life, it would definitely be different. I wouldn't have experienced the joy and love she brought into my world, nor would I have felt the profound loss of her absence. In some ways, my life might have been easier without the pain of losing her, but it would also be lacking the depth and meaning that she gave to it. Mirabel taught me so much about love, resilience, and the preciousness of every moment. So, while it's hard to live a life without her, I think ultimately, she made it better... even with the pain of losing her. ❞

⚔️ CROSSED SWORDS

❝ I'm grateful for my skills in teaching and problem-solving. Teaching has always been a passion of mine, and being able to impart knowledge and help others learn brings me immense joy. Even though I'm not currently teaching, I still find ways to use this skill, like explaining things to friends and followers or finding creative solutions to problems. My problem-solving skills have also been invaluable. I love the challenge of figuring things out, whether it's a puzzle or a real-life problem. I often use these skills to help friends and family with various issues they may have. If someone I cared about was in trouble, I believe these skills would definitely come in handy. I would use my problem-solving abilities to assess the situation and find the best course of action. And my teaching skills would help me communicate effectively and support them through whatever challenges they were facing. ❞

🔮 CRYSTAL BALL

❝ A core memory from my childhood that defines me today is the time my family hosted a gathering at our home. It was a celebration of life, filled with music, dancing, and the aroma of delicious food. I remember the excitement of preparing for it, helping my siblings decorate and my mom cook, and the joy of seeing our home filled with loved ones. This experience taught me the importance of family and community. It showed me the value of coming together to celebrate and support one another. I think this core memory is why I cherish the idea of family so much, and why I always strive to create warm and welcoming spaces for my own loved ones. ❞

ooc: well, if you can't tell, my girl ysla is very articulate. i'd like to point out that if she weren't on her current path right now, she would have become a beauty queen (i'm totally making that a headcanon)

[happymeishappylife]

Books I Read in 2023 (Part 2)

11. My Soul Has Grown Deep: A Collection of Early African American Literature by John Edgar Wideman

Frederick Douglas, Sojourner Truth, Booker T. Washington, Nat Love, W.B. Debois, and Paul Laurence Dunbar are just a selection of the writers that this collection has compiled. Starting with early narratives of people captured and brought over as slaves, what was hard about this book was the realization that these stories while different in the sense of what people could and couldn’t do, are not so different from our narratives of today and sadly that things haven’t gotten better and have been fought for centuries. Sure, some of the living conditions and rights that people now have, have helped. But reading through Sojourner Truth’s reports on all the lynchings felt like reading about all the people killed by cops today. Same problems just different settings. And also it was interesting to read the differing opinions of Booker T. Washington and W.B. Debois as they offered their perspectives on what the Black community should do post reconstruction. Do you work hard, accept the system and make it work for you? Or do you fight for something better and that people take responsibility for the injustice that has been caused. I did really enjoy the collection of people they pulled from though. From religious preachers, to activists, to poets, and of course cowboys. Nat Love’s story was really interesting to me because it really told the story of a Black cowboys but also what cowboy life was like and as someone who grew up in the place where a lot of that happened, it was cool to dive deeper.

12. The Beatryce Prophecy by Kate DiCamillo

My mom recommended that I read this book and brought it to me when she visited. It can easily be read in an afternoon and it’s a delight. It’s about a young girl who suddenly arrives at a monastery with no memory and the monks are all afraid of a goat named Answellica who takes and instant liking to Beatryce. As this young girl slowly regains her memory, the mystery deepens because she can read and write, which is supposed to be only something boys can do. But her past also is dark even if she can’t remember why. Masquerading as a monk, she is tasked to write the last will and testament of a soldier who has done terrible deeds and killed many people, but instead she starts a story about a mermaid that Brother Edik has been fascinated about since he is the one who has cared for her. But she also meets Jack Dory whose family has been killed except for the voice of the woman who took him in as she becomes a hives of bees. Brave, he helps protect Beatryce as best she can before she ends up at the castle with the King who wants her dead because of a prophecy where a girl who could read would then result in a woman king. Its charming without being too fairytale-esque and still young enough that the darkness is not overwhelming.

13. A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor by Hank Green

The sequel to An Absolutely Remarkable Thing and to be honest I wasn’t sure where the story was going to go after the first novel, but this was definitely a thrilling and much darker novel. And while the first novel focused more so on the contemporary commentary of fame and influence, this one focuses on one that is much more terrifying and something we are battling even right now and that’s the fear of technology that can make the real world seem absolutely incomparable to virtual reality. I liked that aspect of it and I also enjoyed getting different viewpoints from all of April’s friends. We see how Andy tries his best but also gets succumbed to the fun of the fantasy instead of living in the real world, something I think a lot of us would do, while Miranda and Maya are rebelling against it, though Miranda decides to spy from the inside and gets in serious trouble. Their perspectives were really something I didn’t know I missed and needed in the first novel and they really ramped up the tension. What I didn’t quite understand though was the need to bring April and Carl back. Yes it tied together in the story, but it didn’t have to. It could have been a completely new threat that her friends had to figure out. I think that would have been more impactful to April’s legacy rather than making her all powerful because of Carl.

14. Amal Unbound by Aisha Saeed

Amal is a young Pakistani girl whose village life with her family gets disrupted by two major events. The first is that her mother is giving birth to her fifth baby and that means Amal can no longer go to school because she is forced to help around the house. This is soul crushing and its sad that while this is fictional this is still the case for so many girls around the world. While Amal is doing everything she can to get back to school she accidentally gets in trouble and insults the local leader whose corrupt and malicious. This results in her being taken away from her family to serve him and his mother with people who either can’t stand her or just shrug off her situation. Frustrated, her only outlet becomes a routine of sneaking books out of this man’s library to read. Eventually, things start turning for the family of the Khans get under scrutiny and the murder of the people they have hurt gets uncovered. After months of bonding with other servants, Amal helps uncover the truth which leads to the arrest of the Khan’s son and the freedom she was seeking. And it was thanks to a teacher who helped her learn probably the most important lesson we could all learn, “If everyone decided nothing can change, nothing ever would.”

15. The Bone Quill by John Barrowman and Carole Barrowman (Book #2 of the Hollow Earth Series)

We return to the adventures of Matt and Emily as they continue to expand on their powers and search for their mom. And not only do they learn they can time travel through paintings, they end up being part of the events that founded the monastery where Solon lives and is trying to prevent catastrophe of the fall of the monastery by keeping the Book of Beasts and the Bone Quill separated until his mentor can finish his work. Only problem? Matt may have accidentally caused the events instead of preventing them because his unchecked teenage angst and hurt over the loss of his father never healed. This was just as much as the last one, but to me there were two characters who felt overlooked. One was the Viking girl that Solon rescues from the Grendel. I don’t understand her importance or why she was introduced when she wasn’t that relevant to the story. But also what makes me sad is Zach does get pushed to the sidelines in this novel. In the first one, he played just as important as Matt and Em, but this time due to his disability (which gets exploited since he almost gets killed), he gets left behind and that makes me sad.

16. Twilight Eyes by Dean Koontz

Unlike Koontz’ other books, I have to admit this one felt like more of a drag to get through. Maybe its because it felt sort of like the precursor to Odd with a boy who can see things others can’t, but since this was twenty years before Odd, it included the things about Koontz early writing that I just don’t care for. Rampant graphic depictions of sexual lust in a horny 17 seventeen year old, and traumatized woman whose whole life is only the way it is because of what abuse she’s endured. I mean I liked Rya, but the whole ‘I’m working for the Goblins, join me or I have to kill you lover’ part of the book was annoying and unnecessary. She could have easily just joined Slim without having to resort to selling people out. Also while I get that carnies can be trusting, I just found some of the other people in this novel, too trusting. Like when they meet the old man in Yonstdown, he immediately becomes a friend just on very brief introductions. Oh and its so convenient he has all the equipment and the know withal to get into the mine to kill the goblins when in reality he was a plot point to get to the end faster. Which you didn’t have to do if you didn’t spend 60% of the novel focusing on Rya and Slim’s quick hot and heavy relationship and almost betrayal, but whatever.

17. Eddison’s Alley by Neal Shusterman and Eric Elfman ( Book #2 in the Acceleratti Trilogy)

In the second book in the series, we continue to join Nick and friends as they gather more of Tesla’s inventions. But in this novel we get a far better picture of who the Acceleratti are just how devious they can be to be the ones in control. And because of the threat escalation we get a great tension as we also learn the dark side to this group of friends. Like how Nick understands that in order to complete the machine, Vince has to die so they can use the battery. And though he died like 7 times in this book, dying permanently at this point feels pretty bad. Plus you know something’s off with your main character when Petunia decides she is going to go against the Acceleratti and actually help Nick. With one more book to go it will be interesting to see how this all concludes. Especially now that we learn that Eddison is still alive and partnering with Nick.

18. 13 Treasures by Michelle Harrison

Little girls, magic, and fairies seems like a great combination, but what I like about this novel is this deals with the darker side of Fey magic and the realities of living in a world where you can’t be yourself because no one believes all the trouble that happens around you is not your fault. And I liked that the trouble wasn’t just the fairies messing up Tanya’s life in a more human fashion like breaking things and making noise. Like the one scene that was very memorable was when her hair was growing exponentially and she actually had to cut and burn it instead of it just disappearing. Plus I didn’t see the twists in this book and for that I was grateful because it made it suspenseful and thrilling right at the end. Since this is the first book in a trilogy I’m curious to pick it back up. Especially now that Tanya has Fabian, Warwick, and her Grandmother to rely on.

19. Legend by Marie Lu (Book #1 of the Legend Series)

I was recommended this book by a friend and the plot is super interesting but reminds me a little of the Hunger Games. Its future Earth and the United States has been plagued in Civil War that a certain factor of the now leaders of former California are fighting. We meet June who is a top notch student and was the only one to ace her academy exams to become the next super soldier. Her whole world changes though when her brother is murdered and as she hunts down the one to do it, She meets Day, the rebel celebrity who outsmarts the government to play Robin Hood. But Day is wounded trying to save his little brother who has been infected by a new variant of plague. June and Day soon both learn that their government is behind it and plan for a way to save Day and runaway, but not without sacrifice on the lives of both.

20. The Justus Girls by Slim Lambright

Experiencing the lives of a group of four friends, we see the heartbreak, tragedy, scandal, and justice they all struggle to overcome though for one it never really does. Reunited after their friend Peaches dies and no one knows who killed her, the rest of the Justus Girls struggle to open up, but soon their friendship is rekindled and their life experiences help each other to get back on track. We get to see Jan recover from the death of her beloved husband to become a fighter for the community and her friends. Roach, now loving her life as a Muslim, finds ways to fight against her ex-husband for custody of her boys, and Sally Mae finally faces up to the suspect charges thrown upon her after she murders and ex-boyfriend in self-defense. All that makes you want to fight for these women and cheer them on, but what’s hard in this novel is the background on Peaches life, especially her history of childhood assault with a mother who could care less for her. Still it was quite a read and good reflection on the lives of these women.

[mercy-burning]

Your Favorite — Part 2

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Y/N and Spencer decide to keep seeing each other in secret. Category: SMUT (18+) Content: Adults w/ age gap, cockwarming, heavy petting, penetrative/unprotected sex, breeding kink, oral sex (both receiving), degradation, exhibitionism, fingering, cum play maybe? Word Count: 7.5k

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | MASTERLIST

NOTE: This is... *nervous laugh* this is pure filth. Like... It’s nothing but sex scenes, y’all. Buckle in. (Also the end is a lil angsty so watch out hehehe)

———

JULY 8th

"You're sure you guys are okay without me for a little while?"

I love my mom. Really, I do.

But if she delays her bath for any longer than one more second, I'm going to burst into flames.

Thankfully it seems that Spencer is patient enough for the both of us. "Positive. You deserve to relax a little. Go. Take your bath, we'll be fine."

Mom looks to me for extra reassurance, and I give it to her with a nod.

"Okay. I'll try not to be too long."

She turns and kisses Spencer, long and lovesick, and I want to barf. What's even worse is that when she pulls away and pats my head before retreating up the stairs, he's smiling. And he's supposed to, I know that. Part of him obviously cares about my mom, and even if he's only fucking me on the side, the fact remains that he goes to sleep next to her. That's the way it has to be.

But it still makes me incredibly envious.

It's a problem.

Mom is upstairs now, but our rule is that unless we know for certain that she's not coming into sight or earshot anytime soon, we remain distant.

Still, I make my distaste for their affections known. "You guys are gross..."

Spencer laughs, his hand sneaking over the couch cushion and grazing the end of my skirt. "Jealous, are we?"

Of course, I have to make it difficult for him. "You're a genius, you tell me..."

"Hey now... You're lucky I'm giving you any attention at all... Besides, you know the rules."

I glance over at him, practically crumbling apart at the seams under his intense gaze. It's one I've gotten used to as of late, one that rivals every smile I've ever seen him give my mother.

"Doesn't make it any easier," I mumble, glancing down at where his fingers are still toying with my skirt.

"I know..." He reaches out and touches my hand, and my skin tingles. "Come here."

Even though I can hear that the bath water has only just started running from below, I comply all the same. I scramble off the couch and return on his lap, straddling him and nesting my fingers through his hair while I lean in to kiss him.

He welcomes me with open arms and an open mouth. The moment our tongues brush, I sigh and melt into him, needing desperately to be as close as possible. Our kisses then are languid and wet, and soft. We don't want to get carried away in case we need to be alert and jump apart, so it's best to keep our bodies controlled.

But as I'm learning, around Spencer, controlling myself is painstakingly difficult.

A whine escapes me when his right hand slips under my skirt and rests along the inside of my thigh, and I shift, silently begging him to give me more.

"So impatient..." he mumbles over my mouth.

I pull away and slide my hands down over his neck and shoulders, my hips rolling forward as I pout. "I haven't had you all week. I'm lonely..."

It's true.

Once all my STD tests came back clean and I got my birth control figured out and solid, the first thing he did was tell my mom he wasn't feeling well and texted me the address to his apartment. And after I told her I was meeting up with a friend, I drove over there and got my brains completely fucked out. We spent all day under the sheets, on the couch, over the kitchen counter, and then on the floor, until I had to go home and pretend like it never happened.

Since then we'd only slept together once, and that was just over a week ago, quickly while Mom ran to the store for an onion of all things. And then Spencer had been busy with consulting on new cases that his old job wanted a little help with, and once he had free time, Mom insisted they go on a date weekend.

I pout harder, stomach churning at the memory of the look he gave me before they left—a silent, sweet goodbye that had left me empty and wanting.

But he's just amused.

A smirk ghosts over his lips, red and a little puffy from the pressure of my own against them. "So I definitely can't trust you to be quiet enough to fuck you properly..."

That warrants another whine and another roll of my hips, and I can feel his hand gripping my thigh a little tighter.

"Please... Spencer, I need you..."

His name rolling off my tongue must be what makes him give into me, because I barely have time to react before he's kissing me again, using both of his hands to lift the back of my skirt up and knead my ass.

"Wait... Are you wearing..."

I grin over his lips, wiggling my ass into his touch and utterly turned on by the fact that he knows what underwear I'm wearing just by touch.

"Mhmm," I answer, nipping his bottom lip. "Your favorite..."

The sound that rumbles in his chest as he crashes his body against mine has to be the sexiest thing I've ever heard. He's obviously trying not to be loud, but it's hard, and that makes the sound strained. He really wants this, wants to keep me, and to do that he has to refrain from going absolutely primal right now. He has to do anything to keep this quiet.

So he pushes me off of him, and I pout, thinking he's given up until we can get a true moment alone.

But I know that isn't the case when he spins his finger and then starts undoing his pants.

"Turn around, sweetheart," he huffs, slipping his pants and underwear down just enough that his erection emerges free. "You're gonna sit here, keep quiet, and keep my cock nice and warm, understood?"

Don't have to tell me twice... I'll fucking take what I can get.

So I spin, back up, and move all my clothing to the side, my skirt lifting as I nestle into Spencer's lap and hold my panties to the side. He laughs at my eagerness, though he isn't laughing much longer once I sink down onto him and get in real close. His hands come out to grab my chest and pull me flush against his own.

The way he stretches and fills me has my eyes rolling back, a long, happy sigh falling from my lips. I wish I could say I'm being dramatic about it, but I'm really not.

I'm genuinely relieved and satisfied with the burn.

"There's my girl," Spencer muses through a sigh of his own, his breath fanning gently over my neck right before he gives it an open-mouthed kiss.

His hands slip under the baggy sweater I'm wearing and run along the planes of my stomach, then up and up, taking the fabric with him until it rests above my bare chest. Being exposed like this, right in the middle of the living room while my mom is just upstairs, excites me more than I think it should.

While Spencer kisses and licks at my neck, his hands now gently kneading my breasts, I squirm.

He doesn't like that very much.

"Ah-ah," he warns, squeezing me tight and pulling me into him more. "Relax..."

He hooks his legs around mine then, spreading them apart and somehow filling me deeper. I whine, leaning my head back onto his shoulder and trying not to roll my hips.

Instead, I settle for clenching myself around him, and that seems to be the right move.

"Atta girl... Lay back and relax... Just feel me filling you up nice and slow..."

"Mmmm," I respond in kind as his hands loosen and glide down my body.

He's light with his touch, though the kisses on my neck feel hungry, and his cock feels heavy and thick inside me. It's a beautiful contrast, really, making me feel so full and yet so light, like I'm a raincloud.

Soon his fingers dip under my skirt and cover my hand, which is working at keeping my panties off to the side. He traces the curves of my fingers with his own, mumbling praises and scattering kisses along the side of my neck. And I'm distracted enough that I almost don't feel his other hand make gentle contact with my clit until I gasp from the sharp sensation.

I can feel his smile against my skin as he starts rubbing in slow, precise circles.

"That feel good, princess?"

"Uh huh," I breathe out, trying to keep still. My other hand digs into my knee in hopes that I can stay grounded and focused on keeping still. But despite that, I'm feeling rather calm. Satisfied...

Right where he wants me.

"Mmm..." He hums happily into my skin, continuing to kiss my neck while working my clit.

And I have no idea how long we lay there. It feels like it could be hours.

The TV is on, but we're not paying any attention to it. In the back of my mind I know that Mom could be done with her bath at any minute, but it's been too long without Spencer inside me... And even though he's not actually fucking me, just having him this close and feeling him touch me, fill me, breathe me in...

God, I never want it to stop.

I'm almost on the verge of coming, but he removes his hand from me and slides them up my stomach again.

I whine at the loss of orgasm, but he pays it no mind. "Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start moving..."

I start to get excited, wiggling in his lap a little.

With a dark laugh, he brings his hands to my breasts, kneading them gently and nipping my earlobe. Getting my attention...

"But you're not gonna stop until I fill that slutty little cunt with my cum, got it? I don't care if you come more than once. I don't care if you come at all... I don't care if your mom comes down here and sees..."

I swear I almost come on the spot from his words alone.

And then his voice is somehow even darker, seeping through my skin and settling into the very deepest parts of me.

"You will not stop until you make me come, am I clear?"

I wouldn't deny him if I could. I'm so damn whipped by this man, so eager to please and be near him that he could ask me to do any fucking thing on the planet and I would.

My rational brain might have second-guessed that feeling if it hadn't been horny as fuck...

And so I get to it, maneuvering my hips and working Spencer's cock like my life depends on it. And honestly, it kind of does, because if my mother comes down and catches us I'm dead.

Despite the urgency, though, I relish every second of it. I try to remember every sensation vividly because I don't know when I'll get to feel it again. So every time I sit back down on his dick, I clench it on the way up, because I know that drives him wild and it also means I get to feel him grab me tighter.

I can't see him, not even really when I turn my head, but I can picture how he's probably biting his lip, trying not to be loud. His eyes are probably shooting daggers at the ceiling, praying to the heavens above that my mom won't come down.

But it looks like the heavens above have decided to damn us to hell.

That unmistakable sound of the drain in the tub rumbles through the ceiling and down the inside of the walls as the water travels through the pipes, and my heartbeat races faster than it ever has.

Spencer tugs my hair then, pulling my head to meet his shoulder once more. "You better hurry, little girl..."

That's when I finally come. My cunt throbs and shakes around him as I bounce as quietly as I can. His grip in my hair is tighter, urging me to keep going, and the sharp sensation seems to extend my orgasm a little.

I whimper and whine as I feel it, and that seems to be what does him in.

"Fuck, Y/N, that's it... That's my girl..."

Four more bounces from me is all it takes, and then he's holding my hips in place. He grunts as quietly as possible into my shoulder and fucks into me slowly, filling me to the brim with his cum and breathing harshly into my skin.

I can hear Mom walking around upstairs, most likely getting dressed, which means she'll be down any minute...

"Time to get up, princess," Spencer whispers a moment later, letting go of my hips.

I turn my head into his neck, whining. "I don'wanna..."

"I know, I know... But you have to."

I know he's right. But I can't just get up and lose him so quickly. I want to hold on for as long as possible.

So I tilt my head up and bring his lips to mine. Thankfully he doesn't reject me, instead returning my affections and sighing into my mouth. He's still sheathed inside me, and I can feel his cum very slowly starting to drip down.

I have to get up now...

My mouth reluctantly parts from his and pouts. I expect him to return it with a sad smile, but his lips are rather mischievous.

He smirks, lifting me off of him and quickly pulling my panties back in place. His cum instantly soaks into the thin, lavender fabric, and it only reminds me of his absence.

But then Spencer spins me around on the heels of my feet and presses his hand firmly to my clothed, sopping wet cunt under my skirt, rubbing it in and making me whimper out at the overstimulation.

"I missed you," he whispers sincerely. Sweetly...

I can't help but smile as I lean down to kiss him one more time.

"I missed you, too."

JULY 23rd

I've been looking forward to this weekend since Mom brought it up after her bath—A call from work. A weekend business trip across the country.

She would be gone for almost a whole week.

Spencer's already started on his coursework for the next school year so he'll be busy most days, but at night? That's when he's all mine.

The only hard part about this, really, is containing my excitement. Just yesterday Spencer got me alone and warned me that I better keep my cool and be patient. Though, the way he said it was hardly a bad thing considering it gave me an excuse to feel his hands on me, even in the laundry room where, more or less, this had all started.

Even now I can still feel their warmth and their heft as they grope and paw at my breasts while he attacks my neck with sloppy kisses.

But right now he's not here, and as much as I can't wait to spend the week with him, my mom is also going to be gone for that long.

Just because I'm fucking her boyfriend on a regular basis doesn't mean I don't still love her.

Though, the thought of it all makes me a little uneasy—I don't know what the future holds. I know Spencer obviously cares about my mom, but if it really gets to a point where they've been together long enough, would he ever marry her?

And then what?

It's one thing for him to be my mom's boyfriend, who doesn't live here and only stays when he can... But it's a whole other one to be my stepfather. And what if my mom wants to have another kid?

No.

I'm not even going to think about it... If it ever gets to that point, then we'll deal with it, but right now I've only known Spencer for nearly 2 months, and it's way too soon to be thinking about any of that right now.

"You gonna be alright without me for a week?"

I curl into Mom's side, laughing and thankful for her distraction. "I spend almost a whole year away at college without you, I think I can survive five days."

"Ugh, don't remind me. I wish you could just stay here with me forever."

"Ha, no you don't. I'm a menace."

"Only when you eat all my food and then complain that you're starving..."

My eyes roll affectionately. "Mom. That was one time, and I was fifteen and dramatic."

She kisses the top of my head and then rests her chin on it. "Then my point stands... You were only a menace when you were fifteen. Now you're an angel."

I can tell she's sincere, and when I tell her Thank you, it feels incredibly deceitful—Especially when she starts humming my favorite song and brushing through my hair with her fingers, just like she used to do to get me to sleep as a kid. The foggy feeling it sends through my bloodstream reminds me that I'm definitely not the same person I was back then.

Although, it is true that some things never change, and within minutes I'm soundly asleep in my mother's arms.

———

When Spencer and I are sending her off at the airport the next morning, my heart thrums wildly in my chest.

"You have Spencer's number in case of an emergency?" she asks me in a haste.

"Yes, Mom. For the thousandth time, I have his number, and I have Grandma's number, and I have just about every other number you've ever given me for emergency contacts."

She gives me The Look.

"Yes, I have it. And I'll be okay. I love you."

"Oh, I love you, too," she says, pulling me in for one last breath-reducing hug, though, that's not truly what knocks the breath from my lungs.

She goes to Spencer next, reaching up to give him a goodbye kiss. I'm expecting it. I'm okay with it.

But this is unlike any other kiss I've seen them share, and it admittedly makes me jealous.

Spencer almost has her off the ground, pressing her close to him and kissing her deeply. Her hands weave through his hair as he tilts his head, and this time I can see his tongue slip into her mouth.

"O—kaaay, my eyes are burning... Thank you for that..."

I know I can get away with that because it's a completely normal reaction to seeing your mother make out with anyone, so I don't feel bad about it one bit. And I especially don't feel bad about the warning look he gives me over my mom's shoulder when she comes to give me another hug.

But then she's gone, and minutes later we're leaving the airport parking lot, and I can't seem to shake my jealousy. Even when his hand rests politely on my knee.

The whole way home I only barely acknowledge his presence, giving him half-hearted smiles and remaining mostly still when he glides his hand higher up my leg. By the time his fingers slip under the hem of my skirt, I think he knows something is up, because it stops there.

He waits until we get in the house to bring it up.

"Y/N, are you okay?"

I plop myself down on the couch with an overexaggerated sigh. "Kinda..."

I know Spencer used to be a profiler, and really, it's not that hard to figure out what's wrong with me. But it's still a little scary how easily he just knows.

"You know I had to," he says, walking over and standing in front of me. "Keeping up appearances and whatnot."

He's right. And it's a consequence of what we've decided to do, so really I'm in no place to complain.

Still, I reach out and pull him in by the belt loops, leaning my face in rather close to his crotch. "You know... Actually, I think you just like making me jealous..."

The smile that dances over his lips is amused and downright sinful. "Oh?"

"Mhmm," I drawl, sliding my hands to the front of his pants and rubbing him through the fabric.

He laughs. "Yeah, you are pretty cute when you're all huffy."

With big eyes and a fluttering in my stomach at the way he looks down at me, I feel that pressing of jealousy start to lift off my chest. I know that within an hour he'll have me pinned under his body somehow, and the thought allows my response to come out clearly and without question.

"So how are you gonna make it up to me?"

———

We're already out of our clothes by the time we make it upstairs. And when we finally get into my bedroom, I'm about to shut the door and then Spencer stops me.

"No one's home, sweetheart... Leave it open."

He takes two steps and has me in his arms, his hands sliding down my back and resting over my ass. And when he gives it a squeeze, he grins down at me. "You're gonna be loud for me, understand?"

"Hey, that's on you," I tease, wiggling against him. "You want me loud? Make me loud."

His grip on my ass gets tighter as he pulls me closer, and I yelp out. "Don't challenge me, little girl... You'll regret it."

I laugh then, calling back to his earlier statement. "Aw... You're pretty cute when you're all huffy..."

"Alright, fine."

The next thing I know, I'm on my knees, and his hands are rooting in my hair. The rough carpet underneath me already burns, but I know in the end it's gonna be so worth it.

Spencer brings me close to his exposed crotch and tilts my head up to look at him. "I'm gonna fuck that attitude right out of your pretty little mouth, got it? And you're not gonna do a damn thing but take it like a good girl."

I would have asked him if that was a threat or a promise if he hadn't immediately shoved his dick in my mouth. It has me wet in an instant, the way he just pulls me onto him and starts fucking my face with an urgency that seems to contradict all the time we have. He needs me now, with no time for teasing or pleasantries, and I fucking love it.

Which is why I do as I'm told, enjoying every second as he holds my head still and snaps his hips forward, his velvety smooth cock gliding over my tongue and down my throat with ease. It doesn't take long for my eyes to water, my vision going blurry and my body growing hot. My face is angled straight ahead, but I still find a way to look up at him, and from this low angle?

It's the best thing I've ever seen.

No matter how many times I've been on my knees like this, staring up at Spencer as he loses himself at my hands (or rather my mouth, if you want to get technical), I swear I could never tire of it.

His eyes are glaring down at me as he concentrates, his arms are out in front of me as they hold my head in place, and his pubic bone and sculpted hips are right there, moving ferociously in front of my eyes. He's so deep in my throat for a few seconds, holding me down while I gag around him, that my nose is buried in the soft trail of hair that gathers on his skin, and I want to stay there forever.

But my gag reflex isn't much durable for more than fifteen seconds, much less forever, so I have to pull back.

Spencer pulls me off of him completely, a trail of spit following my lips and then detaching until it lands along my chin. I blink away some of the tears that had gathered in my eyes and pout up at him.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?"

"You're supposed to be making it up to me..." My voice is scratchy and a little hoarse now, but I know it'll probably be worse if Spencer really thinks he can make me as loud as he says (which I truly don't doubt for a second).

He tugs me up by the hair, and I whine as I get to my feet, my knees aching already. And then his mouth is on my cheek, gently kissing away a tear. "Aw, I thought you liked having my dick in your mouth..."

"I do..."I giggled a little, nestling into his body and feeling his erection, now slick with my saliva, press up against the inside of my thigh. "But I like it better in other places..."

"Mmm, you're right... I do, too..."

I certainly hadn't been expecting that answer.

But it doesn't surprise me when he walks us over to the foot of my bed and pushes me onto it. "Hands and knees, princess."

My knees still burn from the carpet, and I'm sure this squeaky-ass mattress won't alleviate the pain at all, but if there's one thing I've learned since having sex with Spencer it's that pain is all part of the pleasure.

So I don't question it. My limbs submit to his simple command, and once I turn away from him and perch myself on my hands and knees, I can feel him climbing on the bed and crawling up the backside of my body. His hands roam my ass and my waist, and within seconds he has his cock nestled against me.

He moves nice and slow at first, dragging the length of him through my slick cunt and ghosting the skin of my backside with his hands.

"Remember... Nice and loud, okay? Wanna hear how good I make you feel."

Like I could ever deny him. Even though I like to tease him and push his buttons, I couldn't think of a single thing in the moment that I'd ever deny him.

So he finally pushes into me, stretching me out well and good, and a low groan slowly rolls off my tongue like a waterfall. And I'm not doing it for his sake; It's like he draws it out of me like a syringe, and I'm utterly powerless against it... Against him.

Like I need a metaphor to explain how I'm well and truly his bitch...

"There she is..." Spencer breathes, reaching the very deepest part of me and staying there. "There's my obedient little girl... Tell me what you want."

I turn my head to get as good of a look at him as I can, and give him the pout to end all pouts. "I want you to fuck me, hard... Please?"

His answer is a gentle push forward, his body leaning over mine to take my hands and pin them behind my back, which pulls me up towards him so that my back is nearly flush with his chest. His hands are so big that one of them is able to hold both of my wrists while the other gathers my hair and tugs.

I feel like I'm being held by a bungee cord, especially when Spencer starts snapping his hips and pounding into me roughly. My knees are pushing into the springs of the mattress and lifting again with each thrust, and I can't help the stream of whimpers and shouts that escape me at the whole experience.

He lets go of my hair in favor of reaching around and palming my left tit, his pace never faltering for a second. Everything he's doing is precise and swift and so fucking good that my eyes can hardly stay open.

"I'm hearing you, pretty girl, but I don't think you're quite loud enough..." he grumbles in my ear, letting go of me and gently pushing me back down on the bed. He slips out of me and I whine at the loss, but I don't have to worry about it much longer when I feel him lay down over top of me and slam into me hard.

I yelp out, my hands reaching out and clutching the comforter for dear life. Spencer's hands, meanwhile, push up off the mattress on either side of my hips to lift himself up, and then he's grabbing my waist and pushing me into it while he fucks me.

When I instinctively shove my face down and try to muffle myself, though, one of his hands leaves my waist and comes up to tug my hair, pulling my head up. His hips pause, pressed deep into my backside, and I can feel how he's struggling to keep still.

"Uh-uh... No one's home, princess... Let it all out..."

He pulls back and plows into me again, and this time his pace is frustratingly slow. With each slam forward my voice grows louder, begging him for more with incoherence until I start to feel myself grow tense with pleasure.

"You're almost there, baby, I can feel it," Spencer breathes. His voice is far away, and I wish he was closer, his breath on my neck and his lips not far behind. But for now I gladly settle for his hands, tight and bruising on my hips, and the force of his pelvis as it collides brutally and wonderfully with my ass.

What finally brings me sweet release is the sound of him grunting out one word. A command. And once again it's like I'm powerless under his spell.

"Come."

I do, and he fucks me thoroughly through each wave. Even once I've finished, he chases his own orgasm for minutes.

By the sounds he's making and the way his hips falter here and there, I can tell he's close, but he wants to make it last. I want to tell him that we have all weekend, to maybe tease him a bit, but I'm so fucked out and incoherent that I couldn't have said a single word if I tried.

So I lay there and take it with a weary smile on my face, ever the whiny, whimpering mess that I am, and patiently wait for the moment he decides to let go.

And when he does, it's the most glorious feeling in the world. I'm tired, yes, but never tired enough to lift myself and wiggle my ass back into him, clenching myself around him and relishing in the way he grunts out my name. He empties himself into me, and I hum, positively satisfied and warm.

Before I know it, I'm sinking down within the comfort of my blankets, and I rest my head in my arms, the pillow still a little too far out of reach. And though I'm content, I still whine out sadly when Spencer retreats and leaves me feeling empty.

I'm about to tell him to get over here and cuddle me when I feel his weight redistribute, and it isn't long before he has his head between my legs, his tongue acting as a net for the cum that drips out of me. He barely touches me, only the tiniest of flicks with the tip of his tongue darting over my skin. I can't tell if I'm thankful because of the relief or if I want the burn to go on forever.

In the end, I don't really have a choice.

He pushes his tongue up, sweeping over my dripping cunt and cleaning me up. Suddenly his mouth is everywhere, making the most delicious sounds and bringing me closer to another orgasm, and all I can do is let it happen. My weary smile is joined by a fluttering pair of eyelids and a string of whimpers that are so small they don't dare drown out the words Spencer is grumbling between my legs.

Some of which, I can hear, sound out, "Another one..."

His finger adds to the mix, coming up and rubbing my clit in tight circles as he finishes cleaning up the mess he made, and within seconds I'm a writhing mess at his undoing.

I'm not sure how long it lasts, only that one second I'm tensing with another orgasm and the next I'm having my limbs moved.

Spencer is beside me in an instant, his face coming into view as I feel my breathing slow to a steadier pace. The longer I wait, the more focused I am on his features, soft and even a little concerned as he strokes some of the hair from my face.

"How are you feeling?"

The smile that beams across my face is just about the most natural thing I'd ever felt. And it seems to bring out those bright glints of adoration in his eyes that only ever serve to make my heart flutter, which makes what I tell him even more true.

"I'm happy."

JULY 27th

Waking up to Spencer next to me, while a daily occurrence these past few days, is still possibly the most surprising and comforting feeling in the world.

Our bodies never part. From the moment we lay down to sleep until the moment we wake up and decide it's time to start doing necessary daily things, not one inch of skin is untouched. Even when showering.

I think back to yesterday morning, where he dragged me out of bed because he had to pee and didn't want to leave me. I was slumped over the backside of his body while he went and then in his arms again while he ran us a shower to wake up.

It brings the widest smile to my face, however sleepy it may also be.

"What are you smiling for?"

I squint one eye open and see that Spencer is staring at me. I hadn't expected him to be awake.

"Just thinking about yesterday..."

He tightens his grip on my waist and pulls me even closer, my face instantly drawn to the crook of his neck. "Mmm," he hums as I nestle in and press a sleepy kiss to the bare skin at the column of his throat. "Which part?"

"Our shower."

I feel his thumb then, rubbing back and forth over my hip as clearly as I can feel him smile against the top of my head. "That was fun, wasn't it..."

"Mhmm," I agree. My lightly tongue traces over his collarbone before I kiss it again. "Our shower is much better equipped for sex than yours."

"So... What you're saying is that shower sex is out of the question this morning?" he confirms with a laugh.

"That's exactly what I'm saying..."

"Well then, princess, what uhh... What alternatives do you think we should try out?"

I start to laugh when he pulls my leg up over his waist and hoists me over on top of him. My face remains buried into his neck, though I trail my lips up and up until I reach his jaw.

"Hmm... What if I just ride you and see where it takes us?"

When my lips finally reach his cheek, Spencer shifts and captures them in a long, butterfly-inducing kiss before pulling away with a smile and brushing the hair from my face. "I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."

It helps that I can already feel him hardening beneath me, and from the moment I felt his hands on me, I'd been aroused.

Though, as soon as I line him up and get ready to start our morning the right way, his phone rings on the bedside table. I'm tempted to keep going, but he half pushes me off of him when he reaches and reads the name.

"It's your mom."

That instantly kills my mood.

With a dramatic sigh and a pout, I hop off of him and curl up under the covers, letting him answer.

"Good morning," he chirps rather happily, and I try not to imagine my moms smile on the other end of the line. Thankfully I can't hear her, but I can still see Spencer smiling as he greets her and goes through all the pleasantries that come with a long distance relationship; I miss yous and how are yous...

I wonder if he really does miss her. He must, at least a little, right?

I'm staring straight ahead now, picking at my nails while I wait for them to finish talking, but something feels off.

I can feel Spencer's eyes on me.

But then he asks, "What are you wearing?" through the phone with a voice so playful and seductive, and I snap my head around, glaring at him.

"Really?" I mouth.

The smirk on his face makes me want to chuck his phone across the room.

"Mmm," he hums, looking me dead in the eye. And the next time he speaks, I swear he's talking directly to me. "Why don't you take it off... I want to talk you through some things..."

I know my mom is hearing the roughness in his voice through the phone, but right now I can see his eyes, hungry as they rake over my body once I slowly peel the blanket away and reveal myself to him, and I know that his main goal isn't to get my mom off.

It's to finish what we started before she'd interrupted.

"Touch yourself for me, baby? Nice and slow. Just relax..."

He softly crawls over to me, keeping the phone to his ear with one hand while the other takes my knees and spreads them apart.

I start to touch myself as instructed, but he swats my hand away and winks, nestling between my legs. I lean up on my elbows and tilt my head, wondering where he's going with this, when he leans his other cheek into my thigh.

"You know what I'd do to you right now If I was there?" A small pause. And then, "I'd use my fingers to slowly stretch you open... Feel you contract around me..."

His fingers do exactly like he says, and I have to stop myself from making any sound. The evil grin growing on his face as he does it all makes it even harder.

"I'd finger-fuck you nice and slow," he continues in a voice just above a whisper. "Until you're begging me for more."

When his eyes meet mine, once more I want to lean forward, snatch his phone, and smash it on the floor. I want him to utterly devour me, without any interruptions or avoidances at getting caught.

But he's such a fucking tease.

Mom must be talking on the other end, because Spencer is silent, slowly fucking me with his fingers and watching them intently as they disappear inside me. Entranced... The thought of her speaking to him and holding his attention makes me jealous— Sure, he's fucking me right now, but really, she's the one calling the shots.

I lean my head back in frustration, letting out the tiniest of whines and grinding my hips up into his hand, hoping and pleading for more.

A low laugh leaves him. "Please, what?"

It's not lost on me that my mom must have asked for more from him at the same time I did... It cements just how absolutely fucked this whole situation is, and yet I can't help but clench around his fingers in earnest, silently pleading with him to go on.

He removes his fingers from me and I sigh out, trying not to disrupt their call.

"And... How would you like me to fuck you?" he asks, looking at me with an evil grin and knowing damn well I can't actually answer.

After he gets her answer, he climbs up on his knees and spreads my legs further, throwing one of them up on his shoulder while he leaves the other on the bed. Since he only has one hand to work with, he gestures to it and I help him out, lifting my other leg up to my chest and holding it with one arm to let him get inside at a good angle.

"Yeah, and how do you want it, baby?" He lines himself up with me and very slowly sinks the head of his cock in, holding it and running his hand along my stomach. "I'm thinking... I'd like to fuck you so slow you're practically writhing beneath me..."

I stick my tongue out at him, and then without warning he slams into me. I bring a hand to my mouth and bite down on my finger, trying not to make a sound.

"You're gonna be patient... And you're gonna let me take my time... Until you're nice and desperate... Whining out for me like a good little whore..."

Each sentence is punctuated with another thrust, hard and deep, followed by a short pause, and it's all I can do not to cry out his name and beg him to go faster.

Mom must be talking on the line again, because Spencer doesn't say a word as he fucks me. His pace doesn't pick up or slow, and his own self control starts to recede—I can see it in his features. I can also feel it in the way his free hand grips my leg. He wants to go faster, he wants to lose control, and this is killing him just as much as it's killing me.

But then he pants into the phone, his voice breaking a little as he pauses and rolls his hips into me, slow and burning. I whine into my hand as quietly as possible, and he asks the question that will seal my fate.

"Where do you want it?"

I wait, clenching around him and praying for the result I want.

And then he laughs. "Yeah? You like when I paint you with my cum, huh?"

I shake my head, silently begging him to resist and stay inside me, but he only shrugs as if to say, Sorry about your luck, and then pulls out, leaving me whiny and desperate.

Just like he said.

And then, he comes all over me, stroking himself fast and hard. Even though I've still yet to feel any sort of relief, seeing him in front of me like this, feeling his warmth dance across my skin in warm spurts, and hearing him groan out as he watches my body gladly accept it all...

It's quite honestly the most satisfying thing I've ever seen.

I can't say I'm not happy, though, when he slumps down and pants, sighing out a few goodbyes to my mom and then tossing his phone on the floor when she hangs up.

He smiles at me then, and I pout.

"You're evil..."

"Mmm, you love it," he drawls, leaning down and starting to dart his tongue over the mess he made on my stomach. Meanwhile his finger finds its way inside me again, and I feel myself start to turn into a writhing mess once more.

And he's right.

I do love it.

JULY 29th

Approaching the front door with Mom in step behind me, knowing that Spencer awaits for her on the other side isn't what makes my heart jump out of my chest.

It's the look on both of their faces when they see each other.

Though I push Mom forward to go see him, it nearly breaks me seeing her run into his arms. He picks her up and spins her around, reminiscent of their little moment at the airport, and the pure happiness on her face specifically makes my stomach twist.

This time it isn't jealousy.

It's guilt.

She's... incredibly happy. I don't think I've ever seen her this happy before. She's positively beaming as she hugs him tight and buries her face into his chest.

And when he looks past her head and looks over at me, I feel it.

The heartache.

Spencer's eyes burn holes into my own, and fill them with a sympathy that makes me feel more wounded than comforted.

I wonder then if he can see it on my face; The way I'm trying not to break down and cry... The way I'm only holding myself together by the weak smile I'm wearing, both to assure him that I'm fine and also to feign happiness for my mother, rather than the aching envy and sadness that festers within every crevice of my soul.

I offer to grab more of Mom's things from the car and dart right back out the door to avoid them for a little while. Maybe to also get some fresh air, even though I'd just been outside less than a minute ago.

After flinging open the trunk of the car, I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes shut, feeling my chest start to tighten at the realization that I might be starting to fall in love with him.

A man who isn't mine, and who could never be.

———

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[elles-writing]

Little Secret

Request: Wonderful! Could please write an escenario in which y/n (half elf and half human) was part of the company cause Gandalf hired her. She and Kili fell for each other and secretly started courting. Once Erebor was reclaimed everything was going back to normal. Thorin asked her to stay for as long as she liked. When Fili & Kili's mom got there, she had lots of meetings with Thorin so y/n was not able to properly meet her. The day that they are actually introduced, Thorin announces Kili's and Fili's arranged marriages which took everyone by surprise. Y/n and Kili try to figure and fix things out in order to convince Thorin to put off the arrange marriage but it does not work. Therefore, y/n decides to leave Erebor and ends up leaving to Dale; befriending/ helping Bard and his kids.  During her time there she finds out that she was pregnant with Kili's child. However, she never notifies Kili nor goes to Erebor to announce it thinking that he had his duty as a prince and it would be harmful for him/ his arranged marriage. So, she makes the decision to raise the baby on her own. Time goes by and on a normal day (when she was 9 months pregnant) that she's walking around Dale  while feeling contractions she bumps into Kili. Thank you so much!❤️ Sorry for the long message 😅 - @just-a-dreamer23

A/N: I know, I know, this is soo long. But, I enjoyed writing this story!! I've been trying to overcome my lack of motivation to write, so maybe it isn't as good in some parts, as my other stories, but I wanted to keep it that way, so I hope you enjoy anyways.

Tags: @guardianofrivendell @just-a-dreamer23 @anjhope1 @lathalea

The afternoon was hot. The best thing to do, was to take a nap. At least, in your opinion.

Nothing would attack in this heat, you thought, as you rested under a tree. A while after, you noticed pointy hat and grey cloak of the same colour. You lazily waved.

"Gandalf, long time no see!" Gandalf smiled at you.

"Good afternoon, Y/N." You stood up and looked at him, waiting. Gandalf never came just...for no reason.

"How are you doing?" Gandalf asked, and you shrugged.

"I'm just wandering around, as usual. You know me. I never stay in one place for too long." You said. Gandalf knew that, obviously. Being a child of an elf and a human, you felt like you never belong anywhere.

Elves felt really tense and quiet, and humans were quite loud for you, because of your hearing. And you aged lot slower than them, so making friends was also quite...not it.

"I've been looking for you, to join an adventure," You curiously gave him a look.

"An adventure? What kind of adventure?"

"Well," he looked at you.

"You know about Erebor and the line of Durin, right?" You frowned at him, and quickly shook your head.

"Gandalf, I can't-I can't join the dwarves! They will hate me! Everyone knows they hate the elves, and I'm half elf!" You said.

"Well, who said they will know? You owe me help," he reminded you. You thought back to when he healed you after orcs attacked you, and you sighed. He was right. This was the least you could do.

"And, who knows. Maybe they will like you," he gave you a look, and you folded your hands on your chest, and let out a sigh.

"Alright then. Where and when am I supposed to be?" He gave you all the information you needed. And you started your way to the Shire, looking at the first evening stars, as the starlight is what the Elves of Mirkwood love so much.

You got to the Shire around late afternoon after three days of traveling, and smiled. The hobbits and their houses were tiny, so you couldn't help, but smile. Maybe it won't be that bad, having perhaps a hobbit friend, after all...

-

You remembered the moment when you first met Kili. You thought Gandalf was there at Bilbo's house, but when you opened the door...

"Are you Master Boggins?" You frowned at the brunette dwarf.

"Do I look like a hobbit to you?" He looked at the other dwarf, then back at you, but there was Bilbo already.

Later on the journey, he found you without your cape on. It was your turn for bathing, but him and Fili forgot some their things at the river.

You just put off your cloak, and put your hair down from your headband. You heard steps, so you quickly turned around.

"You are..." Fili started.

"...an elf?" Kili finished. You huffed.

"Half elf. My mother was...human." you whispered. Painful memories of your early life came up, and you blinked to stop the tears.

"Don't tell anyone, please..." you looked at them. Both Fili and Kili must've seen something in your expression, that made them realize the importance. They nodded. Kili was, however, curious. Lot more than before, and asking you about elves. You talked about it when Thorin was far enought to not hear what was your conversations about, but it wouldn't matter much. Gandalf told them you spent part of your life living with the elves, which was true.

In fact, Kili became fascinated by you. He liked you before, and had a feeling, which he wasn't sure about. Interest, curiousity, the need to protect you, adoration...

In the moment he saw you, he realized you were his One, his love for life. And when you got closer, he asked you to court him. You said yes. From then on, you shared many quiet and stolen kisses and moments together, in the shadows of forests or your bedrooms in pubs.

The moment everyone else (except for Bilbo and the Durin brothers) found out, was when you came into Mirkwood. Thranduil ordered his guards to take your cloak and headband off, and now, everyone could see your pointy ears.

There was a moment of silence.

"What made an elf, to travel with group of dwarves?" You gulped and looked down.

"I'm a-a half elf," you whispered.

"My father was from here." You explained, and the king shot you a glare. He was not stupid. He knew you tried to pull his attention away.

"Take them to the dungeons, except for Oakenshield," he said.

When you made yourself as comfortable as you could on the cold floor, you overheard the dwarves trying to find out who you actually were and what you wanted.

To your surprise, they didn't talk about you in a bad way. Just curiousity. Thankfully.

-

"Do you think she will like me?" You said to Kili. He was writing a letter to his and Fili's mother, Dis, the happy news - Erebor was reclaimed, and they all survived. It's been a week since, and Thorin decided it was the right thing to let his sister know as soon as possible. She was surely worried.

Kili turned to you.

"Like you? Like you? She is going to love you," Kili grinned at you, and you had to smile a little too.

"Yeah, but...you know, I'm not a dwarf," you said your worry aloud. It was true. Being a half-elf, you and Kili started courting in secret. Thorin was not really kind to you, at least the first half of the journey. However, the rest of the Company liked you lot more. Especially Kili. After a while of knowing of what did you feel, you decided to tell him. To your surprise, but happiness, Kili shared those feelings. And since then, you had a tiny braid, hidden in your hair, and Kili as well.

And stole many, many secret kisses.

"I don't think mum is going to have issue with this," Kili stood up, and gently placed your hair behind your ear.

"You're my One, and you make me incredibly happy. I'm sure she won't have problem with you being half elf," You cupped his cheek, and softly smiled, as you looked deep in his kind brown eyes.

"I love you too, my short Prince," He stood on his toes and kissed you, getting a giggle from you. He pouted, when he heard you called him short, but you knew he didn't mind it.

You kissed him, and felt his smile on your lips. You were leaning down, when suddenly you lost balance, and both you and Kili ended up lying on the floor. Kili and you let out a yelp, but then broke into giggles.

"I love you," Kili said, when you finally stopped laughing. You cuddled into his chest and breathed in his scent. Kili smelled like smoke, food and fresh air.

"I love you too," Kili gently stroke your hair, and you got up.

"Where are you going?"

"You have to finish the letter, and I promised Tilda I will take a walk with her before the dinner." You helped Kili to get up.

"Alright my beloved, have a good time," he gently kissed you, and sat back to his desk. You smiled, and ruffled his hair.

"You too, my dearest." You smiled, and left the room.

-

It's been a few months, and you were finally, finally going to meet Kili and Fili's mother, Dis. She has been there for around two weeks by now, but, you haven't got the chance to meet her and be introduced to her yet.

You were officially going to meet her during upcoming celebration. Needless to say, you were freaking out.

Your stomach was tight from anxiety for a few days already, and that afternoon, it felt absolutely horrible. You haven't eaten whole day, just because all you thought about was the evening.

You spent around an hour of putting on and off different dresses from your wardrobe, trying to figure out which one to wear.

"Y/N?" Kili knocked on the door of your chambers.

"C'me in," you said. He came in, and his eyes widened, when he seen you sitting in front of the mirror, your eyes red and the mess everywhere.

"What am I supposed to wear? I have nothing to wear!" You started crying. All the stress and anxiety in past three months got the best of you. Random moments of crying, because of tiny things, were happening on daily basis.

"Dear, what is happening?" He pulled your hair back behind your ears.

"I-I just want-want your mum to like me," you muttered.

"And...it stresses me out." Kili nodded, and shortly hugged you.

"She is going to love you no matter which dress you wear, I promise." He whispered to your ear.

"Now, I think..." Kili looked around.

"I think the...the dark green dress will be perfect."

When you changed into the dress Kili picked you, Kili brushed and styled your hair. He pulled the top section into a clip, and you pulled a few strands, to frame your face. You smiled at yourself in the mirror.

"You ready?" Kili asked. You just silently nodded.

As you walked down the hall, Kili was trying to figure out where his uncle, brother and mother went to. He couldn't see them anywhere, and he was sure he was once in a while not late.

When you entered the huge throne room, you could see Fili, and let out a breath of relief.

"Fili, have you seen-"

"Kili, there you are," A woman came from behind Fili, and looked over her younger son.

"Have you brushed your hair?" Kili huffed.

"Of course I did." He said quietly, so nobody could hear him. He was visibly embarrassed, and you let out laugh. She suddenly turned to you. Her deep blue eyes reminded you Thorin, but they had the same twinkle as Kili and, occasionally, Fili.

"I don't remember I seen you here before," she said.

"Well, I usually spend my time outside of Erebor, so I think that might be it," You nervously smiled. She hummed.

"I-I'm not a part of the royal family," you said, and almost groaned. Now that was embarrassing for sure.

"Y/N, this is my and Kili's mum, Dis. Mum, this is Y/N," Fili said, and you felt your cheeks heat up.

"I-um-" You tried to say something, but she pulled you in short hug.

"Nice to meet you, Y/N," she gave you a smile, and then went back between the guests with Fili.

You let out a breath.

"That was embarrassing," you groaned. Kili chuckled.

"No, not at all. She likes you." It suddenly felt like it was much easier to breathe.

"She-she does?" Your eyes widened, and Kili nodded.

"Of course! And you can bet she will steal you to me during the evening,"

"How do you know that?" You turned to him with surprise written all over your face.

"She is my mother. I know her for a long time." He just said.

"She seems to be...different from Thorin," you said, hoping it wouldn't come out as offensive. Kili chuckled.

"Mum and Uncle really aren't that different. Uncle just focuses more on the kingdom and mum, on family," Kili said in low voice, so that only you could hear it.

When you sat down to the table, where the royal family and the Company was, you looked around. You and Kili did secretly hold hands under the table, and you talked to Dis, who was sitting across the table.

"Good evening, everyone," Thorin said, and the people got more quiet.

"It's my pleasure to meet all of you here today. I have some things to say, before the celebration starts." Thorin paused, and Kili leaned near you with a grin.

"It's just a few formalities, don't worry, love." You smiled at him back with tight smile. You felt something was not right. Thorin talked about the kingdom a little at first. The next news was, however, what you were afraid of.

"I'm very happy to say, my nephew Fili is going to marry-" you let out a breath. Kili turned to you with worry.

"Do you feel okay?" He asked, when suddenly...

"And my nephew Kili, who also has already arranged marriage, with-"

Kili stared at Thorin, and you as well.

"Kili-Kili, please-" you tried to stop Kili from going to Thorin. Kili was visibly angry, his jaw was tight, and body tense.

"Kili? What is happening?" Thorin came and let through his teeth. You suddenly felt everyone's eyes on you.

"I need some fresh air," you whispered and walked away, as quickly as you could. When you left, you came in your chambers, kneeled to your bed, and started crying.

You knew it. You should've known before.

Thorin would do this. Even when Fili and Kili were children, he would make sure they had wives already. They were princes. They needed to have a wife.

And Thorin...Thorin would never allow Kili to court you or marry you.

The next day, Kili came into your room. He had dark circles under his eyes, and gave you weak smile.

"I promise we will work this out," he muttered, and pulled you close to his chest.

Kili was asleep - and you let him - but, you thought about your situation, and tried to come up with possible solutions.

However, it was as if there weren't any.

It's been a few days, and you cuddled into your blanket. You fell asleep, and when you woke up, you looked around the room.

This place isn't for me anymore, you thought, and started packing your clothes into your bag. You changed into tunic and trousers, and wrote a letter to Kili, that you were sorry, but it was probably better to have a wife his Uncle would like, that you were leaving and never coming back, so he shouldn't be looking for you.

You quietly left the palace, and walked out in the morning. The air was fresh and nice, and for a moment, you forgot your sadness.

You walked to Dale, and decided to meet Bard. You had nowhere to go, and maybe staying there would be good, before you'd go...somewhere else.

The guards let you in, and as you thought of going to Rivendell, you noticed Bard.

"Bard?" He turned to you, and nodded at you.

"Hi Y/N. What brings you here?" You sighed.

"I'm leaving Erebor, Bard...but the problem is, I need to think about of where-" you suddenly felt dizzy, and Bard catched you. He called for a healer, that's what your hazy mind could catch.

You basically woke up, in a room. On a bed. Comfortable bed.

"Lie still, lady Y/N," the healer said. You frowned a little, when she placed her ear to your stomach.

"I can hear the heartbeat clearly. The baby is most likely around three months old," she said.

"What baby?" You asked, confused. You looked from the healer to Bard and Bard to healer. She took your hands in hers.

"You don't know, my lady? You are pregnant. I can clearly hear the heartbeat of your child," she softly smiled at you. You shook your head, and felt a few tears escaping your eyes.

"I'm...I'm with child," you whispered. You could not believe it. So perhaps, it wasn't just stress...

"Who is the father?" The healer asked, when she helped you to sit up. You nervously looked in your lap.

"Kili. Prince...Kili. Kili Durin." You said, and Bard and the healer shared a look.

"He...he doesn't know. Can we keep it a secret? Please?" You looked at them.

They said yes. Bard was like a father to you, and let you stay. He showed you chambers, that would be your home for next few months at least.

You never went back to Erebor. You thought Kili had to marry the princess, so you just tried to think of the baby you were carrying.

It wasn't that hard, honestly. The baby was often restless, though.

As if it missed Kili as much as you did...

Even if the baby would have to grow up without it's biological dad, you were sure you'd be able to take care of them well.

Some days, you were happy, and didn't think of Kili too much. It pained you, yes, and you knew you had to be strong for the baby, so you often asked someone to teach you something, such as how to prepare different meals, how to knit or how to play piano, to name a few.

Other days, you felt sad. It could be because of the weather, or hormones, some days you just woke up sad, and sometimes it was when something reminded you of Kili. Those days, the baby was the most restless, and the maids told you it was because the baby missed it's father.

You sat down to the armchair next to the window in your bedroom, and looked out on the street. Nobody could see you from here, so it made you feel safe. You looked up and seen Erebor.

"There's your daddy, over there," you whispered to the baby.

The answer you got, was soft kick.

-

"Does it hurt?" Sigrid asked you, looking at your belly. You smiled at her.

"No, it doesn't." You stroke your stomach. You've been pregnant for past almost nine months. Bard was so kind and let you stay, and even offered you bigger chambers, which you gladly agreeded to. The chambers were perfect size, and the baby could have their own small room, overtime.

You let out shaky breath. You wanted Kili to know about all of this. To be there with you, talk to you and to the baby.

But, it was not possible. It would hurt his reputation, and perhaps even his marriage.

You dried your tears, and carefully stood up. Even as pregnant, you were able to stand up yourself, luckily quite easily. You felt very thankful for some of your genes being from the elves, because, as Bard explained to you, humans had it harder.

When you slowly got yourself out of the castle, you breathed in. The air smelled nicely - you smelled fresh bread, old leaves, fresh air from the lake. Mix of summer and autumn. You felt it was one of the last few warm days, before the typical autumn comes.

You looked around, and your cravings were begging you for some freshly baked, soft warm bread with fresh butter, melting on top of it. You thought of the crispiness of the bread's crust, and your mouth started watering. You groaned, when you felt how your stomach let you know some snack would come handy.

You slid your hand to your pocket, and made sure you have enough money.

You started walking, to find some bakery, and as you looked around, you noticed one on the other end of the street.

You let out a breath, and started walking towards the small store.

You were almost there, when you overheard a gasps, escaping a few young girls. You slowed down and listened to their conversation.

"Did you see him?"

"Yes, I did. Do you think it really is the Prince?"

"Of course he is! I mean, look at him. I'd recognize the hair clip everywhere." You frowned a little, when you suddenly realized it. You stopped walking, and felt hot wave running down your back, and liquid running down your leg.

You carefully looked down. It was clear.

You turned around, and - damn it! - your eyes locked with Kili's in the exact moment.

He started walking towards you. You clearly recognized happiness in his eyes, and relief.

"Y/N, where have you been those past months? I was worried about you," He said, and when he was near you, you recognized even the wet shine in his chocolate eyes. You felt sudden rush of guilt.

He must have notice the guilt on your face. Kili frowned a little, when he took a notice of your belly, under the dress.

"I-you..." You noticed it. He was holding back tears. You shook your head, as you tried to hold your own.

"Kili, it isn't like this...please trust me!" You felt another wave of heat running down your back, and stepped forward, but sudden dizzines made you take wrong step. Kili quickly catched you.

"Kili, I-this is, uh..."

"You moved on," he said. You shook your head.

"No, it's...you are the father," you said, but didn't notice what was his reaction, because suddenly, you realized what was going on, as you were holding your belly.

"I need to get back, and find a healer and midwife," you let out through your gritted teeth.

"We will get there quickly," Kili let out, and you had a feeling.

"Don't you dare to faint!" You let out.

Kili helped you to get back. You noticed Sigrid, and told her to quickly find healer. She didn't ask anything, and quickly runned away. You let out a groan and gripped Kili's arm.

"Lady Y/N, we need to get you to the room prepared for labour," the healer said, and checked on your belly.

When you got there, and changed into simple gown, you laid down as the healer told you.

Kili stayed there, and you were gripping his arm and hand.

"I'm not fucking letting you to sleep with me ever again," you said through gritted teeth. Kili took a shaky breath, and you shot him a glare.

"Don't you dare to faint, Kili Durin! You did put this baby inside me nine months ago, so now-"

"This is just the pain speaking from Lady Y/N, Prince Kili. Don't take it personally," Kili gulped and nodded.

"You're doing great, love," he said carefully. You let out a huff.

"I didn't finish! Now you will deal with me breaking your arm, because it hurts!" You almost yelled at him.

"I can see the head, my Lady!" The healer smiled.

"With this next contraction, you will push as much as you can!" The healer said.

"Okay, one, two, three-push!"

"You're doing great, dear. The baby is almost there," Kili tried to cheer you up.

"You have no idea how painful it is!" You screamed.

"My lady, this is going to be your last push, are you ready?" The healer looked up at you, and you nodded.

"One, two, three, push!" The healer let out. You gripped Kili's hand, and suddenly...

You heard a baby scream.

"It's a girl!" The healer said happily. You smiled, and let out some happy tears.

"You-you did it!" Kili said, and you wiped off your eyes.

"No, we did it," you muttered, and he kissed your cheek.

"How do you feel, Y/N?"

"I'm okay," you smiled. The midwife checked on you, and handed you your baby.

"Everything seems to be in order," she said and smiled. You smiled at her back. She was there for you for all those months, and you got close.

"Thank you so much," She nodded.

"I'll leave you alone," she said, and left.

You stroke the baby's cheek.

"How are we going to name her?" Kili whispered, and stroke the baby's chubby cheek. You shrugged.

"Well...I'm not sure. I was thinking of Arina," you said.

"It's...it's beautiful name," Kili said, and you realized he was crying.

"Kili...I'm so sorry for...for hiding it from you," you whispered. Kili shook his head.

"Love...it isn't your fault. Can I...can I hug you?" You nodded, and he slid his arm around your shoulders.

"If anything, it's my fault." He muttered.

"I should've known where did you go, and-"

"Shh," you said.

"We can talk about that later. Arina's asleep now."

You were quietly watching the baby. The midwife came back soon, to check on you and the baby, and when she left, Kili spoken up.

"We talked Uncle the marriges out." You nodded.

"You left Erebor by then already. I was looking everywhere for you, only if I knew-" you subtly interrupted him.

"I didn't know either. I wanted to go to Rivendell, but...then, I found out. It would be risky, so Bard let me stay here," You shrugged.

"Do you still want to leave, though?" Kili looked at you with sad eyes, when he looked away from your daughter. You shook your head.

"No." Kili grinned, and gently brushed his hand over your cheek.

"Just for your information...mum was going nuts when she found out about the arranged marriges. She likes you a lot." You smiled, and took Kili's hand in yours.

"Well...let's hope she likes her too," You looked at Arina's sleeping face.

You came back the next day. Kili had to go to Erebor that evening, but in the morning, he came back.

When you entered, you overheard a strong female voice. You quickly realized who was the woman.

"I don't care my brother has a meeting. Go tell him he has to come here. It's a family emergency," she said, and turned to you and Kili.

"Y/N, where have you-oh, who is this?" Dis turned to you, and noticed the baby. You shared a look with Kili.

"This is your granddaughter," You said carefully. Dis looked between you and Kili, and it seemed like most things clicked to her. She smiled.

"Well..."

"Dis, what does that means?" Thorin's voice came from different hall, and you noticed Fili giving you a knowing smile.

"Thorin..." you said, and he turned to you. He seemed to be confused, but then he looked at Arina.

"What does this-"

"Uncle, let's get some privacy first," Fili said.

When you came to library, Thorin turned to you. Dis stood up, as if she would want to protect you.

"Uncle...Y/N and I started courting on the quest in secret. We planned to get married, but when you announced the arranged marriges for me and Fili, we-"

"I left Erebor, because I thought you would never accept me as partner for your nephew, Thorin. I found out I was pregnant, however, I didn't want to hurt Kili's reputation or his marrige, so I never came back to announce it. He met me in Dale yesterday, and I, um...I went to labour." Thorin has been looking at you and Kili. Your body was tense, and Fili, Kili and Dis were ready to protect you any moment.

Thorin slowly closed this eyes, and placed his face into his palms. When he looked up again, he let out a sigh.

"Fili, Kili, sister, leave us alone."

"But Uncle-" Fili said, but Thorin shook his head.

"I said, leave us alone. It won't be long." They three left, and you were a bit afraid.

"Kili is a prince, yes. But, he is also a dwarf, who needs to have someone who he is happy with." Thorin said, looking away from you.

"I noticed, of course. You make him happy, Y/N. I thought it was just childish love, that you would leave, and it would break Kili's heart. I owe you honest apology, Y/N. For thinking you wouldn't take his love seriously." He looked at you, and you let out a small smile. You nodded.

"Apology accepted, Thorin. Courting Kili makes me incredibly happy, and I am honored to say he is my lover," you said, and Thorin looked at you.

"Well, and when it comes to, um...you staying, you can stay here. If you would like to."

"I'd be very thankful."

A few years later

"Fi, look!" Kili said, as Arina walked towards Kili, again. She was giggling, as her father was dancing with her. You laughed.

"Kili, be careful!"

"Daddy, look!" The little girl pointed to a butterfly, who sat on her dress.

"Yeah, it's beautiful," Kili said, and she pouted.

"Don't move, or it will fly away!" Arina let out, and let the butterfly gently walk on her palm.

"Uncle, look, I got a butterfly!" Arina showed it to Fili, who nodded with nervous face.

"Oh, it's beautiful, Ari. Would you put it, um, a bit away from me, please?" She put the butterfly on a flower, and Fili let out a breath.

"I'm sleepy, mommy." She came to you, and lean her head on your shoulder.

"Ari?" A little boy came, and the girl jumped up with grin.

"Vili!" She squealed, and started tickling her cousin.

"Granny!" Arina gasped, when she noticed Dis.

"You are growing up so fast, Ari!" She said proudly, and you two shared a look.

"Aye, that's what she does," Kili let out a chuckle, and gently kissed your cheek.

[studiojeon]

bitterness in goodbye | jjk

this is part of my troubled outsiders series. sadly, you can't read this as a stand alone (meaning: feel free to check the previous parts ♡)

| summary | - You can’t help but feel a little sad when Jungkook doesn’t refrain from cuddling your arm after pleading to forgive him. You wish you could cuddle him instead, that he would lay his head on your chest as you play with his soft hair, but you recognize there are some things you just can’t have.

warnings: none (?) i mean chaeryeong insults jungkook which is an atrocity in itself but-

contents: we diving into the angst my friends. jungkook is an innocent, kind hearted soul, i promise. oc's got the feels (out oct. 1) for jk. idol!jungkook × student!reader.

author's note: I EDITTED THIS FROM MY PHONE DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING ANNOYING THAT IS? also, thank u for the amount of support i've been receiving lately, i appreciate everyone lots. feel free to ask away or suggest anything btw, i would love to write for any prompts you guys come up with. 💞💗💖💘💓💕

words: 1.57k

playlist: honey by halsey

Four weeks later, the receptionist of your apartment complex hands you over a cardboard box with the hoodie Jungkook and you had talked about that day on the Han River. Jungkook kept pestering you to please please please send him your address for confidential purposes, which you knew had to do with his determination to literally provide anything that catches your eye right away. You assumed it was a sensitive topic for the boy whether people had purposefully taken advantage of his money before, so you didn’t dare to say anything when the man asked you for your size literally two hours after he dropped you off, scared to either reject his solidare intentions or piss him off for bringing unwanted memories back. In  your defense, your personality type keeps oscillating between INFP and INFJ so it’s only natural that you take extra care to make sure those around you have as much peace of mind as possible in your presence. 

As pretty and comfortable the piece of soft clothing is, an important factor is missing, something that you can’t recreate buying two of the same size and color, and that is Jungkook's escence and how good it looks on him in comparison to anyone else in the world. Meaning, you didn’t like it as much as you thought initially would. And it absolutely did not have to do with the fact that your short stature made you look like a toddler who stole their dad’s jacket.

Still, in order to show Jungkook how much you appreciate his gift, you bring it to work the next day, and the rest of the days after that, with the excuse that with winter rolling around you needed something to keep you warm in the office. Jungkook doesn’t miss the opportunity to confirm your assumptions regarding your appearance whenever he barges into your office randomly throughout the week, arguing that ”you look so adorable” and doesn’t stop for two weeks more, until he gets used to seeing you wearing something you shared with him. Which doesn’t help ease your growing romantic feelings for him whatsoever.

Because yeah, you liked Jeon Jungkook, just like every human being with eyes and sexual desires, except, you didn’t just like him in a superficial way, and that’s where the problem with him resides. Though you are sure everyone has fallen in love with the endearing boy at some point - especially the excluded and invalidated women of society - you can’t help but place some blame on you for allowing yourself to be swooned so goddamn easily. Your mom had said to you at some point to be wary of the way some men would talk to you when you grew up, their intention usually being getting inside your pants, which has happened to you more times than you'd like to admit. And with the argument that she knew you better than anyone, she claimed you would comply right the second someone talked sweet to you; you despised the fact that was the case with Jungkook (and Jungkook only), although he had never shown any sexual innuendos. What your feelings could do to your relationship with Jungkook and your rather chill lifestyle scared you to death, shiver me timbers and all that shit, having romantic feelings for someone else is embarrassing, especially when your chance with them has been scratched out the second you laid eyes on them.

Jungkook sits on your couch, legs spread on your thighs as you two pretend to watch some series on netflix. “I don’t buy for a second the act you’re putting on right now.” he speaks randomly after staring at your deep-in-thought state for a few minutes and laughs when you snap at him for not letting you overthink in peace. “What’s going on?”

Truth is, you don’t fucking know. A few hours before he arrived at your place (you had to pick him up at the dorm and sneak the both of you through the subterranean parking lot, because god forbid someone saw Jungkook arriving at some chick’s dorm on a saturday afternoon) you swore you would be able to conceal whatever emotional turmoil you had going inside of you without compromising your regular behaviour around the man, but when push comes to shove, it’s impossible to keep yourself from wondering how far you could go before that special someone found out what was going on inside of your head.

Jungkook’s phone rings in his pocket with some annoying tone he had downloaded illegally from youtube the same day the company had handed over the device as a gift for him (you still were a little bitter over how they neglected the rest of the staff but you also knew it was kind of impossible for the human kind to just gift a-thousand-dollar-phones to almost five hundred people out of solidarity). “Hyung?” he picks up, still wary of your unusual behaviour, concerned eyes looking at you. “No, uh- i’m with Yugyeom right now.” and your heart shatters into a million pieces.

You have been suspecting for a while that Jungkook is being hesitant to introduce you to his social circle. Although, you’ve tried your best not to take it personal, it is getting harder to resist the urge to ask him what the fuck is up with that. The fact that Jungkook had to lie about the person he was hanging out with broke your ego; he could’ve just said he was with a friend, right? You suddenly feel like you’re fifteen again, when the guy you liked would love you in the dark but pretend he didn’t know you in the light. 

Holding your tears back, you gently push him off and make your way towards the bathroom in the most nonchalant way you could. This is your fault for falling for the nice popular guy in the first place, you remind the reflection staring back at you. Still, as bad as it hurt, there was no way you were going to cry over a stupid boy, let alone when he was literally sat on the next room. He can go fuck himself if he thinks he can just toss this behind as if nothing ever happened.

You text Chaeryeong instead.

“chaery bom bom: i swear to god i gonna throw hands the next time i see the bitch.

chaery bom bom: like who the hell does he think he is? fucking squidward looking asshole.

chaery bom bom: he ain’t even that cute bub, you’ll get over him. i know jinyoung wouldn’t treat you like this”

You sigh. Chaeryeong has been enamored with the idea of you and his former company colleague from GOT7 since the day she met the guy (which was somewhere around ten years ago), and although he was all that, you didn’t like his quiet and cold aura, it intimidated the fuck out of you (Jungkook was the entire opposite of that).

You spray on some perfume just to have an excuse as to why you randomly ran to the bathroom when Jungkook’s inquiring eyes stare as you sit back on the couch, which is exactly what he does. “You done with your call?” you ask, bitter.

Jungkook frowns, a bit taken aback by the sudden question but still unaware of the way his words had made you feel, not even sensing the hostile change in your mood. “Yes, it was one of our managers. He was wondering if I could come back to reshoot some...-thing.”

Okay, now you kind of understand as to why he lied in the first place and to say you feel guilty is an understatement. “I supposed he backed down once you mentioned you were hanging out with Yugyeom.” playfulness makes its appearance on your tone and Jungkook rolls his eyes at you, tongue poking on the inside of his slightly red cheeks.

“Sorry for that” he moves closer and cuddles your arm, like a sad guilty puppy. “It’s just- I don’t want them asking questions''.

You understand. He is a very reserved and private person after all. It took you a bit to crack him open yourself. Plus, you kind of share that trait with him, you’d hate it too if people were constantly on your nerves for the people you decide to hang out with. 

And that’s all it takes to forgive him. Not very cash money of you.

“You better not pull that shit again, though” you shift in his hold and he looks up at you. One look into your eyes and he knows what you mean. “I’ll kick you out.”

After nodding, Jungkook resumes his concentration on the series you picked out for him. Due to your short attention span, you are very picky about what you invest your time in, especifically with audiovisual pieces of media, so Jungkook trusts you whenever you recommend something on very rare occasions. As a matter of fact, Jungkook was busy attacking your kitchen counters for snacks (which you didn’t have) when you mentioned Money Heist. “Munch on some grapes instead” you suggested to soothe his disappointment.

You can’t help but feel a little sad when Jungkook doesn’t refrain from cuddling your arm after pleading to forgive him. You wish you could cuddle him instead, that he would lay his head on your chest as you play with his soft hair, but you recognize there are some things you just can’t have.

[lurking96]

Chapter 319 or why Bakugou might not be healthy for Izuku

This here might be a bit on the anti Bakugou side. I tagged it as such so you can filter those out and put it under a read more if you dont want to read it.

So. In the last day I did read a few opinions on the chapter leaks. What some think will happen and so on. Some from Pros some from Antis. This again is an opinion. It is not absolute. I do not claim it to be the absolute truth. This is just my personal interpretation. What I think that will happen is that Class 1A lead by Bakugou will fight Midoriya to try to bring him back. I don’t think talking to him will happen with Bakugou there. As one of Bakugous coping mechanisms is fighting. However with that come problems. I can understand the reasoning behind fighting him. A little talk will most likely not make him come back. However it might ease things. Might make him a tiny bit calmer. Might not make things worse. Fighting however will make things worse. Izuku is already on edge. He is already filled with paranoia. He hasn’t slept or eaten well. He might do rash decisions. He is not in a healthy mental state. And here we have it. His friends, his supposed allies are fighting him. The people he wants to protect went out and attack him. Out in their costumes. Ready for battle. A kinda scary scene overall. You dont see their faces. You feel anger coming from them.

It might bring some memories back to Izuku if you compare it with another picture.

Just like the picture before Bakugou is kinda in the foreground.He is leading just like back then he was leading his so called “extras” This might bring back memories to Izuku. Again he is sleep deprived. His mind might not work the sharpest. For all he knows it´s like back in his other schools where Bakugou lead his group of “extras” to attack Izuku. He might fight back stronger than intended. He might just try to flee even more. Overall it is not very helpful to him. Because a part of the reason for Izukus mental health is Bakugou. Not in a kind of friendship way but more as a cause. Bakugou to put it simply had been Izukus main bully. They were never apart. From preschool to UA. They were in the same class. With team exercises they were together. Izuku never had a break from him. He was never allowed to have time without him. From early on Bakugou has called him useless, worthless, what does one think the name Deku means. Has been using his quirk on him without the teachers caring. Before people say that is long ago. It is not. Right now they are in their second year. How did their first year start. Bakugou trying to attack Midoriya. Trying to kill him. Insulting him where he goes. It is not long ago. And even if it was like 300 or so chapters ago. That still happened. That is still the characters backstory. Honestly you are fine to like a character. But one should recognize that a character has flaws. No character is perfect. Saying that you like a character and saying that they are an asshole that needs to change can coexist. I like Overhauls aesthetic and quirk. Am I okay with what he did. Nope. Would I want him set on fire. Yes. Simple as that. Now back to it. In chapter 319 we hear Bakugou say that Izukus self sacrificial nature is caused by All Might. This. I do not agree with. Again. Who has called him worthless, a pebble on the road, useless, a deku for years. It was not All Might. Izuku has incredible low self worth. If it means saving a cat from a tree he would break his legs. He doesnt care for himself. He sees himself as worthless and only as somewhat useful when he is saving people. It got drilled into him from a young age. This is not something simple that is left behind after a few days. It can take years. And so far he has nothing contrary to those ideas. There are three people that know of his former quirklessness. His mom. Who is kinda supposed to love him. All Might who never really went back on the quirkless hero thing and Bakugou who still insults him for it. Everyone else only knows him with his quirk. Only knows him with being useful. Just because he has a quirk now doesnt mean that quirkless Izuku has ever left his mind. Yes All Might is not perfect. He has flaws. Those flaws are shown and others call him out. Could he have done more. Yes. Could he have helped him mentally. To a degree. But again. All Might is flawed. He is not perfect. All Might is shown to lack social skills. Seeing Bakugou just as rival or Endeavor who has open hate for him as friends. He never had a normal relationship. And again he was not the cause for Izukus psyche. He didnt lay the groundwork. With Bakugou blaming it on All Might. The guy that is not there and can’t protect himself he is doing something one could call damage control. He is not telling the entire truth. For the truth would hinder his dream of becoming number one and reduce his social standing. Him telling others that he is even partly responsible would surely open more questions later he would want to avoid. He also calls Midoriya crazy which is a tactic used to discredit a victim. Same for him making things up and overexaggerating and so on. He did do damage control before. A bit ago he told All Might that he was bullying Izuku in the past. You would think It´s something positive. But here is the thing. He lacked details. He didnt tell him much. For all we know All Might assumed some rough housing and name calling. Nothing that bad. It is to soften the blow. So if Izuku tells him later All Might is already in the mindset that it wasn’t so bad. Bakugou seems not that he would lie and my successor must be overexaggerating a bit. Bakugou is not that dumb. He knows his way around words. He knows when to not openly attack and wait for a better chance. A fool would have kept attacking Izuku after Aizawa held him back. He was just waiting for the training with All Might. He knows what buttons to push to get information out of Izuku. He basically forced the OFA secret out of him. One could call this a good use of crocodile tears if they so want. If they dislike him that much. Again an opinion of many. As of Chapter 319. He might have good intentions. He might want something good for Izuku. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Good intentions are not an excuse. Just because Bakugou thinks it is the best doesn’t mean it will be automatically the best. Just because the dog wants the chocolate bar doesnt mean it will be healthy for anyone involved. Bakugou being there might be quite detrimental to Izukus health. He might just open up wounds again. Izuku fighting class 1A would probably not increase his trust. And what are they going to do if they win. Tie him up, drug him, force him back. He will just try to escape. His trust in them will be broken. He might allow some sleep but it will never be the same. He already had trust issues before this will just expand them further. Isolate him further. This is what AFO wants. To have the heroes fighting with eachother. To have the OFA holder isolated and even branded as Villain for fighting as hero class. 1A winning is also a big IF. Shigaraki fought Gigantomachia and the MLA sleep deprived and incredible tired and won. Shigaraki and Izuku are foils. Two sides of the same coin. Izuku had a year to analyse their quirks. He has a bunch of quirks for himself and OFA mastered far more than anytime before he trained with them. He has become a natural disaster in human form. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he defeats them and leaves. To me the good option would be trying to talk to him. Not let Bakugou do the talking. He lacks the fine control. Get him in the direction of rest. Sadly none of them are trained professionals to deal with mental health. They are children that just fought in a war and also got traumatised. So I dont have great hope on them taking the talking route. Overall I think this will be a breaking point. They will fight. Izuku will most likely win and his trust will be broken even more. He will be even more isolated. His personality might take a darker turn seeing as there is no one he can trust. It might just get even darker than before.