#NO. FUCKING OF COURSE NOT. I JUST WANT TO CAUSE PROBLEMS FOR MYSELF. APPARENTLY.

[spark1edog]

im in a terrible mood today idk why

[cerasum-chrysanthes]

I've been neglecting doctors visits for so long now, even though I know I need to go. It's not even that I can't afford it, we've got health insurance in germany. idk why I'm so ... afraid? I can't tell if it's my usual social anxiety or if it's that + anxiety about doctors. About not being taken seriously or treated badly.

Like, not just have I been neglecting gyno and dentist and honestly also my psychiatrist appointments, but I know for sure that I need to talk to my GP about possible sleep apnea too.

I posted earlier today about how I jerked awake and felt like I was suffocating. This isn't exactly a new struggle, but it was never this intense. I've had some breathing-stops when falling asleep that woke me up because I would suddenly take a big breath, but never like today. It felt like I couldn't get my lungs to take in air. It didn't feel like a blockage, more like. My lungs didn't want to do their job. It was honestly scary.

I've gained a lot of weight in the past years. I think it's starting to really, really affect my health. I need to do something. Get over the anxiety and talk to doctors. Don't really want to suffocate in my sleep on accident.

[chiharuhashibira]

BACK TO YOU PART 13

Hellooooo! So apparently, I've been out for too long again XD

But here we are now with our Chapter 13. The end is almost near! Will make this a bit long so that you can enjoy... I hope!

So of course, tagging my precious readers~

Taglist: @unofficialmuilover @ahashiraswife @skeleton-the-gangser @crazycatlddy @obsessily-tm @sofilsword @virtualcolorland

𝓜𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽

𝑩𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒀𝒐𝒖

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚇𝙸𝙸𝙸

𝐓𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢 𝐗 𝐓𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 (𝐌𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐧 𝐀𝐔)

<𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 | 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫>

TRIGGER WARNING! BLOOD and Violence in this chapter.

Content Warnings: Curse words, Emotional Trauma, Panic, Violence

(Image isn’t mine. Credits to the rightful owner)

“I’ll talk to Hotaru. I believe I can convince him.”

“NO!”

Sanemi and Tomioka said it in unison, but that didn’t change your mind.

“I’m not pulling anyone of you into this mess. I’m going to fix this, and it’s final.”

"L/N-san... You must be kidding, right?"

"No, Iguro-san."

You stood in front of the three men, determined to end the conflict with Hotaru. But then, of course, two of those two men won't let this happen.

"But I think it's my fault, Y/N. I met with Hotaru before to tell him to leave you alone. Iguro-san saw us, and he also became involved because Sanemi is his friend. Perhaps this is why Hotaru is so pissed off."

You can't deny the shock on your face as Giyu confessed what happened a few nights ago. Sanemi held your hand, but with all your best, you avoided eye contact with him. On the other hand, Giyu tried to convince you once again, but that made you snap.

"All my life, you've been protecting me, Tomioka-san. Let me do something for myself this time. Let me fix this mess. I don't want you or Sanemi to get in trouble for my problem."

"But you're being irrational right now, Y/N!" Sanemi said in an annoyed tone as he held you by your shoulders. You could see the veins popping out of his forehead as he glared at you. Despite the knowledge that he is not angry with you, that caused your heart to race.

"But this is also a consequence of me punching him! And besides, this is not just your problem. I don't care if I lose my licence from this, but—"

"But I care, Sanemi... I care about you and Tomioka a lot. I don't want more bad things to happen. Let me fix this mess. Please trust me this time."

"I never expected you'd want to meet up with me—"

"What do you really want, Hotaru?"

You stood in front of the man you hated the most, unbothered by the smirk on his lips. Hotaru lifted his hand to touch your cheek, but you immediately swatted his hand. You know that you are in his territory, but that isn't an excuse to touch you.

After telling the three men that you'd talk to Hotaru, you found yourself paying a visit to his old flat. And yes, fortunately, he is there at the moment.

Sanemi, Giyu, and Obanai accompanied you, of course. As they waited anxiously outside the flat, Sanemi couldn't help but feel guilty. Obanai noticed it and spoke up nonchalantly.

"Can I just say that I'm not ready to see you in this state, Sanemi?"

"Just fucking shut up. This is all my fault, Obanai."

Sanemi wanted to just follow you inside, but Giyu did his best to remind him to trust you. The ravenette knows that even if the three of them try to stop you, they won't be able to do so. So all they can do right now is wait and be prepared to support you in case anything happens.

Back to you inside the flat, you glared at Hotaru, cursing him with every inch of your soul. If looks could kill, perhaps you would've murdered the man at this moment. But still, Hotaru seems to be unbothered.

The man, obviously larger than you, towered over you as he scooted close. "Don't you miss being with me, Y/N?" He asked in a sad tone that made you feel shivers run up your spine.

If there's anything that you were missing before, it's your innocence that he stole from you.

"I will never miss the way you abused me."

Those words caught Hotaru off-guard. He stopped on his tracks and looked up at the ceiling, as if waiting for something to just appear there.

You can clearly remember this gesture. The mere thought of your ex doing this when he was in a foul mood caused your knees to weaken. But you fought that anxiety and spoke up.

"Can we just settle all this once and for all? What do you want to happen? What do you want me to do just for you to leave us alone?"

"I'm dying, Y/N. Stage three cancer. I only have a month left."

His words left you flabbergasted. Yes, you wanted to get rid of Hotaru and even thought of violence, but you never meant all of that. You don't want him to be gone because of death. You're not that bad.

Gulping, you looked down and sighed deeply. Trying your best not to get vulnerable with him, you just repeated your question. "What do you want me to do just for you to leave us alone?"

"Be with me again."

"You know I won't do that. I love Sanemi."

"You're really heartless now, aren't you, Y/N?"

"It's you who are heartless, Hotaru. You dying isn't an excuse to ruin my life again. This is not an excuse to threaten the people I love."

Hotaru sighed and cupped your face. His motions made you uncomfortable, but you just froze there.

"I would have distributed that video if my intention was to completely destroy your boyfriend's life, correct? But I didn't. I just sent it to your friend."

"But why?"

"I think I don't really care that much about that white-haired idiot. I just want you. And look, I think that worked because you are here now."

His words send shivers down your body. His hold on your face suddenly tightened, making you tear up. You tried to hit him, but Hotaru just easily captured your hand and squeazed it too.

"They're outside..." You tried to threaten, but then Hotaru didn't care at all. He slammed you against the wall and started kissing you. You wanted to shout, but his hands are now covering your mouth, muffling your voice.

"I'm dying, Y/N. And if I can't have you in this life, I'll make sure no one will have you."

You tried to struggle, but Hotaru punched you in the stomach, which made you almost lose your senses. You fell down on the floor, almost breathless and feeling helpless. Hotaru crouched down and used his finger to trace a line on your jaw line.

"I've been watching you for weeks, Y/N. Everything resurfaced in my mind the moment I spotted you exiting that restaurant with that foul-mouthed, scarred boy the night before. You almost saw me back then, but you were so preoccupied looking at him. Do you remember?"

"What the fuck, Hotaru?"

You hugged yourself as you tried to stand up again, but then, with his words, a faint memory came back to you. So he was there? He was... that guy?

Flashback

You groaned loudly, making some people look at the both of you. Realising that you both were in public, Sanemi raised an eyebrow at some bystanders and spoke with a cold tone.

“What’s the matter with you? Enjoying the show? Go fuck off.”

No one would ever think that this foul-mouthed man is a teacher with how he acts sometimes. You shot him a glance, mortified at what he had done, but it didn’t seem to phase him in the slightest.

End of flashback

"Angel, believe me... I tried to forget you, but I can't. I am dying, but fate has brought you back to me. And thankfully, all my plans worked. Remember the time when you almost got hit by a car?"

You seethed with anger as you tried to throw a vase at Hotaru. And yet, like he always does, he catches it easily. He approached you and forcibly pulled you by the hair, causing you to sob in agony. "Don't be too feisty, angel... You haven't heard the whole story."

"Fuck you!"

"I definitely will. As soon as we get out of this place."

Disgusted, you just wished for Sanemi, Tomioka, or even Iguro to just pop out of nowhere to save you. But unfortunately, the three men were still oblivious to what was happening at the moment.

Hotaru pulled your hair harder and spoke up once again. "It's my colleague who almost hit you. Oh well, I actually planned it. I paid them to do that. And here we are now, my angel. I've missed you so much."

You're now sure that Hotaru isn't just dying. He's also out of his mind.

"Hotaru... you're insane."

"Perhaps, but that doesn't mean that I'm losing you over someone inferior to me."

"It's almost 30 minutes, Tomioka. I have a bad feeling." Sanemi told Giyu, who is now feeling more anxious than earlier. Obanai stopped playing games on his phone and looked at the two men, who seemed to have just encountered something traumatic.

"I think we should check on her. I think I heard a thud earlier. I'm worried." Giyu finally expressed his worry, causing Sanemi's eyes to light up.

"Check on her. I'll wait for the both of you here. I'll get ready in case you'll need me."

Sanemi patted Obanai's shoulder, and both he and Tomioka finally went out to the flat. Hearts racing, both the men you loved the most are now heading towards you.

"Please let go of me!"

You finally managed to get your strength back and push Hotaru. Fortunately, you got the chance to get one of the katanas that was hanging in his living room as a decoration. In a desperate move, you sheathed the sword and pointed it at him.

"Touch me again, and I'll fucking kill you, Hotaru!"

"Kill me? You can't even wield that sword we—"

Before he could even finish his words, you managed to slash his face. That made Hotaru shout and finally charge you with all his might.

Outside, the man's voice echoed, which made Sanemi's eyes widen. Before Tomioka could even react, the silver-haired man sprinted towards Hotaru's flat. Thankfully, you told them the details earlier, so he was able to locate it easily.

Without any thought, Sanemi kicked the door open, and there he saw you pinned to the wall, trying to snatch back the katana from Hotaru's bleeding hand.

Seeing your boyfriend, tears run down your face. You never wanted any of this to happen, but your problem seems to haunt you again, worse than ever. You just wanted to end this, but then you felt weak as Hotaru's hand tightened on your neck.

"Fucker! Let go of her!"

Sanemi charged towards Hotaru. He was able to dissuade the man from approaching you by tackling him, and he is undeniably considerably stronger than your ex. Sanemi's fist landed on Hotaru's face tonnes of times, but that didn't knock the man out of consciousness.

Tomioka managed to reach the room, and yet before he could throw a punch at Hotaru as well, he managed to see you crouching at the corner, in pain, as you helplessly watched your boyfriend beat up your psycho ex.

"Call the cops." You told Tomioka as he helped you stand up.

"I will call them after I stop Shinazugawa-san from killing Hotaru!" Tomioka rushed in to see the seething man, pulling him away from the older man, who was bleeding everywhere.

"Shinazugawa-san! That's enough!"

"FUCK YOU, OLD MAN!" Before Giyu could finally pull the math teacher away, Sanemi still managed to land one final punch on Hotaru's face.

Panting, Sanemi ran towards you and embraced you tightly. He felt like the world stopped, in a bad way, as he saw how hurt you were. "I'm sorry, baby... I shouldn't have let you go here alone." He said this, cupping your cheek as tears streamed down his face.

You kissed Sanemi slowly, embracing him back and wishing he would calm down. You never intended to worry him this much; much more, let him dirty his hands for you. "I love you..." You whispered as you buried your face on his chest.

With a faint relief painted on his face, Giyu looked at both of you as you finally had the chance to look up. But then, just as you thought the chaos had finally ended, you saw a glimpse of Hotaru standing just behind Tomioka with a knife in his hand.

With that, adrenaline filled you, and there, you pushed Sanemi out of the way. That is also just in time to save the life of the man whom you treated as your real brother and best friend.

A tinge of pain crept into your senses as you were now eye-to-eye with Tomioka, whose eyes widened in shock. Slowly, you held on to his shoulders as your knees weakened and the pain in your back became worse.

"Y/N! No! I never meant to..."

Hotaru's voice echoed in the background, but that isn't important anymore. "Tomioka-san... Thank you for trusting me this time. I love you. Tell Sanemi, I... love... him... too... so much..."

And after telling him those words, the world darkened.

It seems like his life flashed in front of him as Sanemi watched you rush towards the aid of Tomioka. He felt all his strength drain from his body as he witnessed Hotaru stabbing you.

"Y/N!"

He ran towards you but then kicked the helpless murderer aside. "I'll make sure you'll rot in jail!" Sanemi screamed as his tears streamed down his cheek. He turned to look in your direction, and there he saw Tomioka holding your unconscious body.

He can clearly sense the shock in the ravenette's state, but that doesn't stop him from checking your pulse and carrying you. "She's still alive, Tomioka. Let's fucking get her to the hospital!"

"What the fuck happened here? I'll call the ambulance and the police!"

Obanai's voice echoed in the flat, and there he rushed in to dial the authorities. Tomioka, on the other hand, managed to finally stand up. "I'll make sure you'll never get out of this, Hotaru. I swear. If Y/N dies, I'll kill you."

He said that and finally helped Sanemi carry you towards the couch.

Hotaru sat on a corner, having a nervous breakdown as he realised what he just did. He stabbed the love of his life. If you die, it'll be the end of everything for him.

Just before Hotaru can make a move could say a word, the EMTs came onto the scene, and the police also managed to get ahold of Hotaru.

"Sanemi, I..."

"Don't say anything, Tomioka. It's not your fault."

"But—"

"Don't fucking say anything like that! Because if you do, you'll just prove to me that Y/N's sacrifice is nonsense. And I might end up hurting you here. Right here, right now."

After hearing that, Tomioka decided to just leave the man alone for a while.

Sanemi, on the other hand, felt like he was in an endless loop of nightmares. He never expected to see you once again in this state, unconscious at the hospital. All he can feel right now is that everything seems to be slipping away from him. He doesn't ever want to lose you.

Hearing the endless beeping of the heart monitor, he can't help but count the seconds that have passed since he's been alone here with you. Burying his head on your palm, he let his tears fall once again as a sob escaped his lips.

"Please don't leave me, Y/N. I can't live without you. Please come back to me."

𝑻𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒆𝒅…

𝓢𝓸 𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓻𝔂 𝓽𝓸 𝓮𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝔀𝓪𝔂!

But what will happen now to the love story of Y/N and Sanemi?

Let's all find out on the next chapter of Back to You!

Thank you so much for your patience and never ending support on this series!

Will keep you updated, I promise~

For a while, feel free to reblog, comment, and request anything! Thank you!

~𝓒𝓱𝓲𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓾-𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷🌸

<𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 | 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫>

[madness-combat-confessions]

Confession: I don't give a fuck about canon and the canon characterizations of the characters. The canon lore is so goddamn confusing to me, especially cause I can't buy Project Nexus 2 and I'm just lazy to watch a play through of it in general.

Now for the characterizations I think it also has to do with me just not knowing anything about Project Nexus 2, and there's a lot of dialogue and interactions with the characters in the game which characterizes them more/gives them more personality. But still, when I first joined the fandom I didn't even know that there was actually more lore to Madness Combat than just "guys fighting and kills guys for the heck of it" and that there were games. So instead I made my own characterizations of the characters, going off what little we had in the series, some facts said by Krinkles, and just overall my own fanon. And I liked it, I was happy with, still am. It brought me happiness and comfort to think of the characters in my own way, give them my own personalities based on canon and also my ideas and imagination.

When I found out about the games, and the characters canon characterizations/personalities. I was mostly right with my characterizations of them....except they sucked x10 times more. (Especially Hank). Which I expected, they're mass murderers after all and I wasn't expecting them to be good people of course. But still, how do I explain this? With my own characterizations I toned down a bit the whole "sadistic mercenaries" thing and instead focused on making them more like, people, than just murderers if you get what I mean? Like I made Hank softer and more caring with Sanford and Deimos , I made Christoff/Jebus someone who actually cared about Hofnarr and Sheriff despite his fucks up and flaws. To bring some examples.

And let's say my reaction to finding out that I was, in fact, VERY wrong about those characterizations wasn't very pleasant. Of course I should had expected it, they're not good people. But Hank wanting and being willing to kill Sanford and Deimos? Christoff apparently not actually caring about Hofnarr and was just using/manipulating him (perhaps Sheriff too) ? Yikes... It legit destroyed me, because all of my comfort headcanons got thrown in the trash and burned like that. And now I'm a very emotional person who's also struggling with some mental health problems, so I resolve in usually making comfort headcanons about the series I like, it helps me cope. And I'm not saying that the canon characterizations are bad. They just make me unhappy. So I just don't care, I can't force myself to like something I don't. Instead I just ignore canon and continue with my fanon. As much as I know that it's inaccurate.

Okay now with that out of the way I'm also gonna aks people to please stop going like "oh [character] is so mischaracterized! They would never do that! And you're a dumbass for thinking that way bla bla bla!" And make you feel bad for interrupting canon in a different way. I know my characterizations are inaccurate, I know my headcanons are inaccurate. I don't care. I do what makes me happy. It doesn't matter how canon (or not canon in this case) it is. What matters to me is my own happiness. If that upsets you, just ignore it. And I'm not saying that about myself I'm saying this about everyone who interrupts this series lore and it's characters in a different way than canon.

.

[electronic-elevator]

so I had a couple-hour drive today and would be arriving home to an empty house. so of course I was like. 👀 not going to NOT hold my pee

now like, I didn't think it was going to get too bad. I'd used the bathroom just before leaving, right? plan A was to play with myself until I had an accident

except. in about an hour. I was already in a bad way. I wasn't going to just waste the opportunity — after all, like I said, I'd be the only one home. If I had an actual accident in the car, well, whatever; I could clean it tomorrow. Plan B became "okay, well, it's going to be dark out either way. what if I wet myself outside? I've never done that and always wanted to." I figured I'd go up on my deck and do it there, giving me enough cover to be hidden even if a car drives by.

now, at the time, I might've called this "desperate." it was bad enough that I could roll my hips forward and feel that rush like I'd pushed down on my bladder. I pushed until I leaked, just to feel it.

luckily, I did NOT drain my water like I briefly considered, because it just got worse. I kept checking the GPS every two minutes like there was going to be some new, faster route opened up midway through. I was unable to pay nearly as much attention to Ｄistractible as they deserve.

and the thing is, though the once-fringe idea that I might have an actual accident was becoming more likely, I have literally never had a real accident. I'm plagued by an iron bladder, and somewhere between 40 and 20 minutes out, this starts turning to pain. and this is desperation -- it's not not pleasurable, because I do have a masochistic streak, but it hurts. I'm in a cold sweat. I've got a death grip on the steering wheel. I can't flirt with leaks anymore; I'm locked up tight because there's not enough of my attention to focus both on driving and relaxing. Plan C: I'll wet right outside my car. It's going to be dark, and it's unlikely that someone else is going to be around for those few minutes, and frankly? Fuck it. Who cares.

Past the 20 minute mark, I begin briefly but repeatedly considering Plan D (pulling over and wetting on the side of the road, then driving home like that). This would not be particularly safe, though, on a dark back road, and I quickly run out of back road and end up in town, where it would be perhaps indecent.

10 minutes out, I'm swearing under my breath. Genuinely, this is probably "driving impaired." I'm having genuine trouble focusing on the road. I normally would NOT do something like this, but again, I had NO IDEA I was going to get this desperate. I thought I'd arrive home with an urgent but completely manageable need, and now I'm clutching onto the handle above the door and praying for only green lights. I start to wonder if I'm going to leak, for real, which would be incredible. I can't sit still, but my squirming is super constrained because everything is locked up so tightly. I'm driving as carefully as I possibly can to avoid any startles or slowdowns caused by me being an idiot.

Then, though, I turn onto my road, and see not one, not two, but SEVERAL CARS of people. Somewhere in the recesses of my memory, the knowledge that my neighbor had a bunch of people over for the holiday when I'd left yesterday resurfaced. They were apparently still here, plus two cars at the (closed; they're security. there's usually only one, and only occasionally) business across the street. Lights on, running, clearly full of people. I cannot, or should not, wet myself in front of them.

I literally could not stand up straight. I grabbed my keys only and stumbled into the house -- and I honestly wish I could've just wet myself there, but again: things get locked up pretty tightly for me. So, ignoring the poor cats, I move as fast as I can (which is not fast) to the bathroom and stumble into the shower to finally piss. I can't turn the lights on, because the window shade is up, and so the neighbors could see in if I did.

and the PROBLEM is it didn't feel as fucking amazing as it should because I'd waited too long... but this was my first pants wetting in quite a while and I did enjoy it

Epilogue: Since the piss wasn't as satisfying, and bc I hadn't jacked it in a couple days ig, I was still horny af so (after an awkward half-clothed rinse off and actually carrying my shit inside and saying hi to the cats) I fucked myself with two (2) dildos and a vibrator until I came so much it looked like I pissed on the pad below me.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

back by unpopular demand it's...me!

hi :3

uh so as of yesterday it's apparently somehow been six months since my dad passed which feels........utterly bizarre.

it feels like it's been a month at most to me and my mom.

like logically, yes, we know that much time has passed, but on another level it just...doesn't feel like it can possibly be that long. at all.

i'm really trying this time to not rush myself through anything, especially grief. i think that's part of why i got so stuck last time, i pushed myself to try to get back to normal too soon instead of just feeling what i feel.

it's not to say i'm not trying to work through it all or anything, but for me at least this shit just takes time.

i had a breakdown the other morning over fucking toaster strudels of all things, but they reminded me of him. it's one of those things he'd sometimes get from the store when he'd go grocery shopping and he'd always be so excited to tell me about them.

"i got us something there in the freezer," he'd say whenever i'd wander into the kitchen at some point

i miss so many moments like that, just the little interactions we'd have throughout the day.

i know i got to a point of being so completely burned out beyond belief that i didn't want to talk to anyone ever at any time and i wish i hadn't now because we could have had more of those moments, but it is what it is, i guess.

i'm still going to therapy and still trying to work through everything. i was doing all this work on primarily my mental health before he passed and then that became the main focus naturally so I'm slowly getting back to work on that as well.

My therapist also gave me a book to read she said would help me with some of the feelings i'm struggling with as far as feeling like everything and everyone else around me has moved on but i'm still stuck and all that so i'll be diving in to that soon.

i was doing okay for a while there as far as taking care of myself goes, but i think as we've gotten closer to the six month mark and that realization just keeps washing over me over and over again i've just been diving into work and chores and of course taking some time to just fuck off from work (but that usually means i end up doing work until right before bedtime so i'm trying not to do that as much.......still going to do some, though, they can't stop me!!)

that's been burning me out a little i can tell. so i'm trying to back off of that and actually i'm finally at a point with all my stuff where i'm caught up so that's a relief. there was some shit that went down a little while back that i might explain later in another post at another time but it ended up with one of my managers having to apologize to me over and over again because basically i wasn't doing something i was supposed to be doing but no one thought to tell me that soooooo i was unknowingly causing a bit of a clusterfuck for a lot of people so that was fun!!

also in more fun news my mom had to go to a walk-in last weekend (not this most recent one, but the one before that) because she woke up with a lot of pain in one of her arms. naturally the concern was for something heart-related but she said she didn't think it was that but more like a pinched nerve, so they checked her out at the walk-in and seemed to at least agree it wasn't her heart so that was good.

on the downside, though, after a few more tests since then it apparently is her neck. there's a bulging disc there that's indeed pinching a nerve and she's pretty sure she even knows which one in specific is the problem because it's also causing numbness in one of her fingers

i hope it's not something she ends up having to get surgery on, but i also hate seeing her in pain like this. both of her sisters had this same problem and ended up having to be operated on to fix it, so my mom's got an appointment coming up to have someone look at the tests she's had done so far over and assess the situation and i guess we'll go from there.

she's been able to get a little relief from some pain medication and even a round of acupuncture but it's been pretty rough on her. crazy how you can just wake up one day and just bam, some bullshit is going on!!!

anyway, aside from all of that we're doing okay. just taking each day at a time and am still squeezing in all the self care that i can and trying to be good to myself (although i can definitely tell i need to drink more water, i dunno why that's always one of the first things to go when it's like, dude, this literally has almost killed you, please drink the water, it's literally sitting right next to you at all times!!)

but yeah, dunno if i'll be on here more consistently or not; i don't want to promise anything i'm not sure i can keep because who knows how i'll feel tomorrow or a week from now or another month, another six, who knows! but!!

if you're reading this i hope you're doing well.

i know no matter what your circumstance is right now things in general are incredibly difficult and i hope you're also taking time to take care of yourself when/if you can.

i hope something really, really amazing happens this week. some really good news. for everyone.

anyway, i'll go now before i get too sappy but just wanted to end on a lighter note and wish you well. thank you for taking the time to give me and my troubles a moment of your time. have a good week! :3

[sailorgundam308]

okay but you're right about the petite tav thing (also idk if you know but someone's lame ass "callout" post about you being a bully and how you'll never get commissions is circulating)

like in a game where you can create nearly anything with a tav it's boring as fuck to make them look copy pasted of every conventional girl irl. ive always thought that, it's why I can't read certain super popular fics in this fandom because the tav absolutely rips me out of any enjoyment (cough, the arrangement)

but it's not fair for people to be harassing you over your opinion, it's your blog if they don't wanna make themselves upset maybe they shouldn't be lurking on your page

It's what I think. I have no interest, never had, in any media, when a protagonist is the pretty standard petite girl. It doesn't resonate with me at all and, therefore, they come across as very boring to me.

About the post circulating about me, I know about it. It was made by 2 girls who didn't like when I said I don't like pairing Astarion with the aforementioned pretty petite tav type. They then devolved into, apparently, some sort of Alex Jones, calling into question my values as a person, made up what I said and whatnot. They've been flooding me with hate messages for a while, stopping short only of telling me to kill myself. But then, of course, I'm the bully in the story. lol

It's very much their problem. Anyone following me, reading what I say, knows what I stand for - and what I don't, cause I tend to say it pretty clearly.

And I agree with you, too: tumblr is a collection of personal blogs of people with differing opinions. Unless someone is attacking or harming a real person, or being an actual bigot, it's all a matter of thinking differently about things. And that's not an issue.

You'd think people who claim to be so inclusive would understand that not everyone has to agree on things - and that you shouldn't dig the internet for content that will piss you off because you feel like going on a moral rampage for the sake of feeling superior. You WILL find content to make you angry. Thing is, some of that will be justified. Some, apparently, will just be me saying im not into X type of pairing.

Sound's pretty easy to do, but some folks are actually pretty incredible in regards to the amount of effort they'll put to go after someone they (don't know) but decided they dislike.

One of the girls saying she "took a screenshot" of what I said is from a discord I'm also a member of, and I think she got jealous cause I only posted Karlach x Astarion art and they shipped him with a different character. The other one is just a hardcore harasser. I got all their hate messages saved. Maybe one day I'll post it so people can see what kind low level stuff they said to me. It was WILD.

In any case. I never deleted the post where I said I think Astarion doesn't look good with pretty cutesy girly tavs cause I DO think that, and there's nothing wrong with me saying it. I'm not talking about any real person, nor even any tav in particular. But people like to distort shit to make waves then feel morally superior.

Thankfully, my commissions are doing great! I don't beg anyone to hire me, and as with everything else online, no one is forced to anything - commission me or even interact with my blog. There is a block function here and I use it often - it works wonders.

Anyway, thanks for saying that. Truly. This whole thing was pretty upsetting at first, but I soon realized there was no conversation to be had with thesef people - they don't want to talk. They want to tear someone they don't know apart to feel superior and "win".

It's nice to know not everyone bought into the gaslighting shit these two (and probably now more ppl) are spouting.

:)

[gatun-gatunesco]

...

So i blocked my ex in here to not see any of her posts by accident and to also leave the past behind, yet a friend of mine told me some days ago saw my ex posting vent in where she was awfully mad at me. Like talking real shitty about me and how much she hates me as the worst thing that could have happened in her life.

Apparently it was so bad that it went into various posts. And of course it was enough for my friend to come and ask me if I did something. Which I did not? I am just in my house trying to survive!

They did not show me what she said, but told that basically she was telling me to go fuck myself (that is does not surprise me as she said something similar before) that I did everything wrong, that I only used her for my benefits, that I never cared for her and only caused her pain and suffering.

In the end, she was talking about being with someone else who showed her how love really feels and that I was being used as an awful comparison.

At first i was shocked and hurted, but you know what? Is fine. By how things ended on her side, I am somehow glad she is with somebody better who truly loves her and made her happy.

If our time together was that of a hell and me being a monster in her memories is what is making her going forward, so be it!

If she holds me as the worst and uses me as a base, then I can be sure she will have a better life, not expose herself to unnecessary danger, not stay silent when she does not like something and finally fight back her mind.

If she already said those things and just remembers me as someone that horrible, there is nothing to do. Better that than the alternative of her still being suicidal and not taking care of herself.

I do not think I was that bad, never said i was perfect neither as i have my own traumas and issues. There were a lot of problems and bad communication from both sides, but at this point nothing I could say would change anything. She is now a very spiteful person and quite stubborn. At least she can now use it for good.

I guess all first relationships are like this. A big lesson learned the hard way, filled with mostly bad memories. I was unlucky for falling in love with her rather than staying just as friends, but we knew the risks.

Yet I cannot deny i was very happy for those 3 years with her as my partner. To think I am now her awful monster ex boyfriend.

I asked my friend to let her be and to not told me anything about what she is saying. All is fine as long as she is happy and safe. Is the last information i want and only that matters.

The hate she have for me is fine, it is fine. Is for the best.

[golbrocklovely]

these asks are very oddly similar. almost like the same person wrote both. but maybe i'm wrong about that lol

imma keep it a buck fifty with you, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree. and that's totally fine.

you have every right to never indulge in conversations you don't want to partake in, and that includes ones about colby's love life. if that is not your cup of tea: totally gucci, anon. feel free to ignore when i get asks about it or talk about it in general.

that being said, there are a couple things, in both asks, i want to discuss.

first, i wasn't defending myself in the previous ask you were mentioning. i was explaining my thought process, which i guess came cross as defensive.

second, i need to express that while i agree with you there are fans that do take it too far and go above and beyond when it comes colby's love life, realistically - even if i were to say "hey, stop talking about his love life. it's weird" to every anon i get, that wouldn't stop anything. just basing it off the numbers on youtube, they have ~11 mil + ppl watching them at any given time. that is ~11 mil + ppl paying attention to their every move. that's more than the population of nyc looking at them rn. do you know what would happen if i ignored an anon or if i told them they're weird for wanting to know something they think i know? they would go to someone else. and the longest game of telephone plays on.

(and of course, not every ~11 mil + ppl talk about his love life. obviously i know that. however, if you genuinely think a good majority don't partake in some way... you're wrong. before i even knew anything about snc, i knew about colby's love life. and this was back when they barely had over 2 mil subs.)

they'll go to twitter or tiktok, even worse, to see what ppl know. and there, they'll be told lies or hearsay or rumors. at least with me, when i get an ask saying "hey is colby dating X" i can tell them directly "no he's single", and hopefully that ends the search. i know in most instances it won't, but i'm not here to police what ppl do in their free time. i'm not the snc police. it's not my job to do that. and if i were to ignore asks that i get about his love life, which i do often, ppl would just find someone else that knows. so again, the cycle doesn't end.

but i agree that some fans go extremely far in their search to know about colby and who he's with. i've seen how fans befriends girls that were seen with colby and act like they are their biggest fans, only to drop them when colby does bc they no longer have a connection to him. i've seen the hate his girl friends get. i've been in this fandom for a long time. i've seen the lowest lows. i've seen the stalker-adjacent fans, and actual stalkers. it is gross. which is why i do my best to call out ppl when they are freaking out too much about him being seen with a girl. or i try to calm ppl down or straight up hide the identity of the girls he's apparently seeing bc i don't want them to get hate.

reality is, i'm not the only one who talks about his love life. hell, i'm not the only one that talks about his love life on here. if it wasn't getting talked about on here, it would be happening somewhere else. and it already does. does it make it right? i'm not here to argue that. if colby had a deep issue with it, he's a big boy. he can tell the fandom to fuck off. and he hasn't. the most he's ever said is "i don't like being shipped with my girl friends bc it makes it weird".

i do my best to defend colby bc there are plenty of ppl in this fandom that see him negatively bc of his love life. but i can't exactly defend him if i can't mention the thing that has caused the problem, aka his love life. it's a catch 22 of a situation. and i do know about the contracts you've mentioned. it's a shame that that occurs. and it's a shame that fans feel the need to hate on anyone that they're a fan of or that their idol is seen with. i don't get it personally. i think a lot of it stems from jealousy and believing you own your idol. and of course that applies to colby. but i think in an odd way, him having a love life shows others that they don't control him or own him, which is why i wish him to go and do whatever the hell he wants. it humanizes him in a way, especially when so many ppl see him as this untouchable "person".

also if you genuinely believe that "human curiosity" does not play a major role in why ppl seek out anyone's love life and info about it; gossiping - which is essentially what ppl do on here and other social media sites, has existed in its modern definition since the 1500s. the first ever printed newspaper, circa 59 BCE, is believed to have HAD gossip in it, along with other social related things. we are social creatures, who seek to learn about ppl. part of that includes love and romance, and the gossiping nature around secretive ppl. sorry, but this type of shit existed long before fandoms were ever a thing. granted, it's definitely evolved in both a good and bad way since then bc of the internet, but let's just be honest here.

again, you don't gotta listen to what i say or do. if you don't like these topics, feel free to go ahead and move about your day in other ways and ignore me. when i'm not on here, i don't really think about snc or what colby does with his free time. and i imagine a lot of other fans are the same way.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s8e6 southern comfort (w. adam glass)

the orange of it all 😩

oh boy. goofy music and garth. and dean in trouble with sam. well, dean is entirely unbothered that sam's mad at him. but sam seems to be just mad about the vampire part, not the lying part. all right.

SAM But you're out now, and Benny's still breathing. Why? DEAN He's my friend, Sam. SAM And what about my friend, Amy? She was what? 'Cause you sure as hell didn't have a problem ganking her.

okay but didn't sam come around to agreeing with dean on that? or at least agreeing to disagree LOL fucking jewel staite plotline that would never die. agh.

SAM So, how does that make this our kind of thing? DEAN Because, Sam, Kevin's in the wind, okay, you're sulking around like a eunuch in a whorehouse, and I can't help but ask myself, when is decapitation not my thing?

think i went through the same face journey as sam to the eunuch in a whorehouse line but the end bit made me laugh

jump scares from the confederate flag plastered everywhere, jesus

GARTH So how'd you get out?

the way sam whipped his head around to make a spectacular array of faces at dean 😂

GARTH Yeah. Man, I felt terrible when I ganked that SOB. SAM Uh, you killed the Tooth Fairy? GARTH Yeah, man. I mean, not my proudest moment, but it happened.

....okay.

mmmk.

dunno what to say about that amelia flashback. it was done well, she did a really good job! i felt some things. but the whole plotline itself is... just feels like manufactured conflict.

oh but i just had a brilliant brainwave

maybe we have amelia to thank for getting the sideburns wrangled (somewhat)!!! 🫡🫡🫡

speaking of manufactured conflict, this thing with garth and dean over bobby. dean snapping at him, garth getting upset. mushy music that reminds me of the princess bride

amused that bobby apparently wrote in very neat cursive in his journal

confederate unknown soldier. okay.

glad to see amelia has her hair back and not the wonky wig in the previous episode. so this flashback was prompted by garth saying he and dean aren't listening to each other. and what, amelia wasn't listening to him when she pushed him away the morning after?

she could be straight out of a vidal sassoon commercial with that hair, gorgeous

jesus fucking christ i know my startle reflex has been like. extra sensitive recently but good fucking lord next scene actual jump scare when the dude shoots the glass. i hate that shit

i would snark about him hamming it up but the man just full on sniffed him and said the spectre likes him, so i mean, do what you must

DEAN You should have looked for me when I was in Purgatory.

in sam's defense, i will say again, if dean was actually in heaven which he assumed he was since he thought he was dead, would he still expect sam to get him? can argue that yes too, of course. or some handwavy he coulda checked somehow with a spell or whatever. anyway, with how they are, and have been historically, it does lend a little credence to dean's side of things

nice usage of fell on black days by soundgarden. they've been hittin it with the montages set to music (like this one of cas smiting to the yardbirds [scroll down in the post])

so i guess this whole monster of the week situation was to get this airing of grievances moment for dean

DEAN You never even wanted this life. Always blamed me for pulling you back into it. SAM That's not true. DEAN Really? 'Cause everything you've ever done since you climbed into my ride has been to deceive me. SAM What do you want me to say? That I've made mistakes? I've made mistakes, Dean. GARTH That's not Dean, Sam. DEAN Shut up! Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul. Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you're doing all kinds of crazy. Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!

so it's not even things that dean necessarily might feel, it's things sam would feel guilty about whether or not it was within his control

SAM All right. You said it. We've both played a little fast and loose. DEAN Yeah, I might have lied, but I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what, a girl? You left me to die for a girl?

again see why a lot of fic really belabor this point!

GARTH Come on, Dean. You do not want to kill your brother. You – you've been protecting him your whole life. Don't stop now. DEAN He left me to rot in Purgatory!

GARTH All right. All right. Maybe he did. I don't know. I wasn't there. But I'm sure he had his reasons. SAM Just like you had your reasons for Benny. GARTH Who? DEAN Benny has been more of a brother to me this past year than you've ever been! That's right. Cas let me down. You let me down. The only person that hasn't let me down is Benny.

that's a bold statement, ghost-possessed-dean.

SAM But what? But you didn't mean it? Oh, please. You and I both know you didn't need that penny to say those things. DEAN Come on, Sam. SAM Own up to your crap, Dean. I told you from the jump where I was coming from, why I didn't look for you. But you? You had secrets. You had Benny. And you got on your high and mighty, and you've been kicking me ever since you got back. But that's over. So move on, or I will. DEAN Okay. I hear you.

good job sticking up for yourself, sam! stop being an asshole, dean!

SAM Good. You know what? Hear this, too. I just might be that hunter that runs into Benny one day and ices him.

okay well, moment of reconciliation over

DEAN I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, won't we? SAM Yeah. Yeah. You keep saying that.

[commiekinkshamer]

Jesus I found this in my notes app, it was a letter I wrote to myself in 2022 (just before I broke up He Who Shall Not be Named), the context was he got mad at me for eating McDonald’s which at that time was a comfort food for me (obv boycotting now), I think I spent $5 on it.

The hash brown thing was a separate event, we were in the grocery store and dead broke and so I pointed out these hashbrowns that were on sale 1) cause I wanted them and 2) seemed like a good buy, bc they were filling and we could make many meals out of them, and i knew we both at least found them ok taste wise. and he called me stupid for it and made me feel awful.

Mind you: he never worked the entire time we were together, which is why we were struggling to afford basics often (he had no problem spending my money on he stuff he wanted, though).

He got mad too bc apparently I was putting too much cream in coffee - the cartons of cream were like $3, and I wasn’t using an excessive amount, he just needed to be an asshole. He also enjoyed savoury main courses more, I generally eat less of those bc I enjoy dessert more, the best part is he didn’t even fucking care about the package of cookies or whatever it was, he barely ate sweets, yet got mad at me for eating them as if I was somehow stealing from him when I ALWAYS made sure to save him food and always asked how much he wanted.

He also had issues with me watching the tv shows I wanted, even went so far as to claim I shouldn’t be watching fucking normal adult television “because the dark themes were adversely impacting my mental health”.

Anyway this piece of shit sent me money to “make up for some some of what he owes me” the other day and then asked for it back days later and started harassing me until I returned most of it so he’s blocked forever.

[showmey0urfangs]

Hi! Not that I agree with the post regarding Louis being a pedophile cause he's obviously not. But nowhere near in the post did they talk about the abuse Louis received or blame Louis for the abuse he suffered. The inital post never touched the abuse part. It just said that since apparently in that time, the oldest you could get recruited in the army was 30 years old and considering Lousi was 39 in 1917, there is a very large age gap when one considers Jonah at 16. But they did say that Louis played the victim and erased his bad deeds.

Hi there, I hope you don't mind if I address these together.

I went through the trouble of finding the original post that started his whole "Louis is pedo" debate because initially, I was just commenting on the general discourse that has been happening in the fandom since season 1 ended.

To clarify, I have no issues with metas that criticize Louis and his sneaky ways of avoiding or hiding certain details that paint him in a less than favourable light. I've written several myself/reblogged them from my mutuals. All of these characters are monsters and they've all done terrible things during their unnaturally long lives.

None of these analyses in themselves are the problem but rather the people who then use them to justify Lestat's action or to imply that Louis deserved to be abused.

In the original post, the person says ❝Louis is every bit the monster that Lestat is -- rapist, abuser of women and children, and in the modern age a bloodsucking capitalist living in a tower built off slave labor.❞ and that doesn't sit well with me because they are seeking to equate these theorized wrongdoings they think Louis committed with the very much real abuse that we witnessed from Lestat towards both him and Claudia.

Even the way anon 1 worded it — Louis played the victim and erased his bad deeds to me further implies that was the real point of that entire post. Saying that Louis is less sympathetic because he is a flawed and morally grey character is classic victim blaming and also very reductive imo.

So I will reiterate: Louis did not play the victim, he is a victim—unless of course season 2 chooses to retcon the entire show in which case I would probably stop watching because there are no stakes if none of it is real.

And whatever bad deeds Louis did or didn't do in no way negate or justify the abuse he endured at the hands of the person that was supposed to be his mentor and his life partner. PERIOD!

Once we can all agree on that then I have no issue whatsoever with fans theorizing whatever the fuck they want.

[fictionkinfessions]

its weird being kin with a character who is so commonly headcanoned to have NPD (while not having npd), and then having NPD now like man i Didnt have npd i was riddled with a whole other set of mental health issues lol

"omgg leo isnt DEPRESSED he has NPD and just needs support from his family to validate himself!!" like good for you live your life but also No i Didnt i acted as the "face man" because a) i didnt have a Niche in the team and b) nobody else really Was the face man like i didnt have a *role* aside from just being The Fourth Turtle like, donnie had his tech and raph was built like a tank and also Is Raph i mean cmon, and mikey had his fucken Razzmatazz and i was just sorta There Leo, blue guy, red eared slider, liked instant noodles and cold drinks and warm blankets and sorta just not really A Part of it like why do you think i took up being the fucking medic? so id be like!! useful!!! so id have something to do to say i was helping!! do you know how taxing it is to go and set bones and be the one to help your brothers after they have their shit rocked by like. meatsweats or something? fuck like im not MAD at them but it was like. a stressful thing. but i HAD nothing else! i wasnt leader until way later on and no matter what raph would always be the Unofficial Leader. my portals didnt compare to any of the shit my brothers could do. like "oh yeah hey i can make fucking portals" meanwhile raph can a) FUCKING DUPLICATE HIMSELF and b) make a projection of himself thats like 5 times his size mikey can a) THROW BOATS??? AND BUILDINGS???? WITH HIS FUCKING NUNCHUCKS???? b) yk. make inter-dimensional portals so not even my PORTALS are unique c) FLOAT. EVENTUALLY. d) like. pyro-related stuff i guess. and donnie's so fucking smart he doesnt even NEED mystic shit!! his tech-bo is like, yaknow, EVERYTHING YOUD WANT out of something called a "tech-bo", he set up all of our lair's tech, he made the heaters, he made AI's with the same capabilities of a human brain, and then add on MYSTICS to that???? holy SHIT. then theres dad who can just Kick Ass apparently despite being a tiny rat-man. april is the most resourceful person i know, casey and casey jr. are both STUPIDLY good with hand-to-hand combat because of fucking course they are. barry is a) physically capable somehow, b) has his stupid fucking vines and c) is an ALCHEMIST. even fucking sunita is more interesting than me!!! like what the shit! the most I contribute is being a fucking pest!!! my unfunny-streak has CONTINUED into Now, and im just as uninteresting and all this is stupid because draxum made all of us WITH A PURPOSE. the tank, the strategist, the analyst and the mediator. raph, me, don and mikey. i know, factually im not "without purpose". im part of our stupid, biologically-designed unit. but i cant fucking help myself. what the point of a strategist if the analyst is smart enough to fix everything if something goes wrong. what good is a strategist if the mediator can, again, THROW. BUILDINGS. what fucking GOOD is a STRATEGIST if the TANK can protect everyone!! "oh but leo! you trapped Him in the prison dimension" it wouldnt have been a PROBLEM if I hadnt let them out in the FIRST PLACE. it doesnt MATTER that i didnt know what it was! it still happened BECAUSE OF ME. donnie had to fucking, idk, INTEGRATE with THE FUCKING TECHNODROME cause of me! mikey fried himself cause of ME! dad and april got hurt cause of me! raph got fucking kidnapped and infected BECAUSE OF ME! if i wasnt a factor, the invasion wouldnt have happened at all, and my whole "planning to trap Prime in the prison dimension + self sacrifice" thing wouldnt have even HAD TO HAPPEN, so that point is WORTHLESS! i am a """strategist""" that only serves to hurt his unit. and what kind of fucking strategist is that.

-leo (probably from Lemonade Leak i guess) 🔷⚔🌌. sorry for this ask, mpc. probs more venty than you bargained for.

🐸

[joshscrookednipple]

Cupid Screwed Up: Chapter 2

Summary: What happens when two rivals who chants even be in the same room together get paired up as soul mates for the rest of their lives..one thing they do know is that cupid screwed up.

Pairing: Josh Kiszka/Female OC

word count: 2,682

Warnings: Shitty editing, Vulgar language, angst, asshole josh, seizures, ambulances, mentions of negative body talk. (as always let me know if i missed anything!)

Not edited !!

A/N: before you read this here are a few things you need to know-

FND (functional neurological disorder) refers to a group of common neurological movement disorders caused by an abnormality in how the brain functions. some of the symptoms are-

Weakness or Paralysis

Abnormal movement, such as tremors or difficulty walking.

Seizures or episodes of shaking and apparent loss of consciousness

Episodes on unresponsiveness

i got diagnosed with FND about a year ago and i wanted to put a little bit of myself into Tara, feel free to message me if you have any questions. Enjoy!!! :)

have you ever seen those commercials where people screw up the most simple and idiotic tasks?

yeah

thats basically what happened here.

let me give you a little recap of what happened after i found out my impending doom. (aka getting josh as my perfect match) in bullet point form.

* i cried

* i threw my phone across the room and cracked it

* i stopped to feed clawdia because she looked hungry

* cried some more

* threw some more things

* surprisingly fell asleep

and now it’s the next morning and i’m matching my ass to the C.U.P.I.D headquarters and set things straight. i pull into the driveway that itself, probably cost a million dollars.

i step out of my car when i see another one pull up by me. i bet you can never guess who it was.

“So eager to see me aren’t you bunny?”

Wow. who would’ve guessed.

“i’m here to tell this fucking dumbass company that they fucked up our matches, not to tell them i want to conceive your kids and push them out of my fucking pussy this very second

he just stares at me and i swear i can see a glint of..something in his eyes but as soon as it came it was gone.

he locks his car as starts walking towards me which leads to me walking faster.

“You wound me bunny!!”

“at least Jake had the kindness in his heart to apologize to me last night. i heard he has a match..alexis is it? how does it feel that your twin brother is higher up than you” i spit out with my back still to him and a smirk on my face.

“yeah well if i had a match i couldn’t fuck all the girls i have been”

oh my god.

ew

i ignore him and open the door and..jesus it’s like i walked into one of those young adult dystopian movies. the floors are pristine white..well the entire building seems to be white with light red accents. fitting.

people were swooping around getting personality tested for their perfect match, some meeting their matcha for the first time. all of them seem so happy. i walk up to the front desk and the lady whose name tag i read says “Valentine” turns and smiles at me with this obnoxiously big smile that has obnoxiously perfect teeth.

“Welcome to C.U.P.I.D headquarters? do you have an appointment” she smiles stupidly at me and tilts her head.

“well no i-“

“did you call in before hand?”

“no-“

i can hear the snickers of my rival behind me.

“name and occupation”

“Tara and i really don’t see how-“

and of course she interrupts once again

“how did you find out about us?”

that’s when i lost it.

“how the FUCK would anyone not know about this place? it’s not like you all have advertisements fucking everywhere or anything!! sometimes i just want to shit in peace without having to see your fucking eyes staring into my god. damned. soul!”

i’m breathing heavily and i lick my lips looking at her expecting her to finally just maybe stop asking me stupid questions and worry about the real problem.

“you seem upset, do you want to do some breathing exercises?”

i throw my hands up in the air and josh is doubled over, his face red from him trying not to laugh. he’s clearly going to be no help so i turn back to valentine who i’m half convinced is a robot and take a deep breath.

“look” i start “i think you all made a mistake with my match. i go matched with this used paper towel back here, and i’m sure it’s a bug in the system but i would really appreciate if you would go and change it please”

i finish and give her a forced smile and a few minutes of silence goes by before she finally speaks

“there’s nothing we can do, C.U.P.I.D has a 100% acceptance rate”

“well apparently fucKING NOT”

a few heads turn to look at me and okay maybe just possibly i was over reacting but you don’t understand how dire this situation is. i grab my purse and push open the doors and gulp in a deep breath of air.

not even a minute later josh is by my side

“you should give up drawing and go into theatre bunny”

“fuck off”

i pull my jacket tighter around me when i look at my phone. greta it’s December 1st which means it’s the dreaded date night. i go into my car and slam the door before putting my head on the steering wheel.

one secret that i’ll take with me to the grave is that i have a debilitating crush on josh when i was in highschool, i mean god he was so fucking awful to me but at least he gave me SOME attention, my dad was always out with one of his side pieces and my mom would hide in her bedroom crying most nights. C.U.P.I.D swears by their 100% success rate, but if that was true why would i have to fall asleep to the sounds of my dad threatening bash my moms head in. is that truly what love is? because if that’s their definition of it, they need some serious fucking help.

the drive home was quiet except for the barely there self help podcast that was coming out of the radio of my car. i pull into the parking lot of my apartment complex and trudge up to my room, which felt like it took forever. as soon as i unlock the front door and open it i see sam sitting on the couch with maggie straddling his hips and their both in what seems like a life or death make out session. i slam my keys on the counter which makes sam jump slightly and for maggie to pull away and give me a huge grin.

“There’s my favorite girl! Are you so excited for your date with josh today” she coos and looks over sams shoulders at me

“just thrilled, also next time text me when you and long legs over here are going to fuck on the couch”

sam shoots his head around and smirks “i’m supposed to be the one giving nicknames bunny”

“actually Danny gave me mine, nice try” i laugh and ruffle his hair before going into my room and stand in front of the mirror before looking at my phone screen. it’s currently 12:30 in the afternoon which means i have about five and a half hours until the god forbidden date. i curl up in a ball in my bed and let myself fall into a dreamless sleep.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

I groan and sit up, stretching my arms up and rubbing my eyes before turning my alarm off. 4:30. that means i have to force myself out of bed and start getting ready. i use all of my strength to force myself out of bed and i rub my eyes and pad across the soft carpet into the cold bathroom and turn on the shower head onto the hottest setting before peeling my clothes off of my body and step into the shower that could be accurately described as bathing in lava. i quickly run through my shower routine, when i finish i throw my ratted robe on and throw my hair into a towel and that’s when i feel it start, i look down at my legs and see them shaking like how you see a leaf shake outside in the winter.

one of the first things i told Maggie about when i moved in was about my Illness, it’s called Functional Neurological Disorder..or as the doctors like to say..”something that’s all in my head”. i’m living with FND is like living in a constant hell, i don’t know if i’ll wake up with my arm paralyzed, or having a shaking episode. but you learn to adapt. i was diagnosed at 17 and got my first pair of forearm crutches* when i was 21 and found myself using them more often than not, but thankfully my medication has been keeping my shaking at bay, which is why my heart drops when i see my medicine container is empty.

shit.

i forgot to get a refill. i’ll be fine though. i always am.

i take a few deep breaths before doing a very quickly ran through curl routine and put on a swipe..or two..or three of mascara and smudge on my favorite deep red lipstick before grabbing my favorite dress, it’s a black velvet dress that goes mid thigh, i pair it with black tights and my platform doc martens and throw on a jacket to battle the cold water and rush out of the door and to my car. i have thirty minutes before i have to make it to the restaurant and luckily it’s right by my pharmacy, so i’ll just go in and grab my medicine and then go to the date and try not to kill Joshua. perfect plan.

until it’s not.

“that’ll be $250, do you want to use cash or card”

i almost have a shaking episode right there. i stare at the lady behind the pharmacist desk and hope, and pray for her to say this is some sort of sick joke.

“i don’t-“ i stutter and look at her “i don’t have $250..i barely have enough money for gas”

“i’m sorry ma’am but there’s nothing i can do” she apologizes and smiles a sad smile at me.

i look down at my shaking hands and chew on my lip and try to force back the tears that are threatening to fall down my cheeks. Maggie and Danny are the only two that know about this..so if anything goes wrong i can just call them. everything will be okay. right?

i leave the pharmacy and decided to use the fresh air to my advantage and walk to the restaurant when i see josh standing outside, his cheeks and nose pink from the cold. he’s kinda cute when he looks like that.

no he’s not Tara, snap out of it.

“your late.” he states and i look at my watch and roll my eyes

“only by two minutes, im going inside, you can either come with me or freeze your dick off out here”

he huffs and follows me inside where the hostess was clearly giving him “fuck me” eyes as she leads us to our table and takes our order, in which the whole, except when i order my food, she’s talking to josh.

after she leaves this smug bastard leans back in his chair and smirks “maybe i’ll take her home tonight, i mean did you see those tits?”

i scrunch up my nose and stab into my complimentary salad that little miss sexy had served us before she left.

“you could have tried a little harder on your appearance Bunny, people will be taking pictures yknow”

“says you” i huff as i push around my salad with my fork

“maybe i’ll just leave with our hostess and leave you here to wallow in your own self pity”

i decide my best course of action is ignoring him. but when do i ever take the best choice?

“why do you think these things about me” i whisper, my voice barley eligible.

the demeanor in him shifts and he, just for a moment, looks regretful for what he said. obviously that doesn’t last long.

“do you want me to lie to you Tara?”

that’s what gets me, that’s how it all started.

i push myself from the table and run into a single person bathroom and let my body fall down the wall. it starts with my right arm.

then my hands.

and legs.

and suddenly i’m having a full blown shaking attack, to those who don’t know what FND is, it would look like i’m having a seizure.

a sob breaks out from my lips as i fumble with my purse and until i finally grab my phone and click on Maggie’s contact and try to call her

1 ring

2 ring

3 ring

hey this is maggie! i’m out right now please leave a message at the beep!

beeeeep

i bite my lip and blindly click on danny’s contact, praying that he picks up.

1 ring

2 ring

“Hello?”

“d-danny” i mutter as i put my phone on speaker, not being able to hold it

“Tara? what’s wrong? aren’t you on your date?”

i mean he wasn’t wrong.

yes i was on my date, but i was also on the floor shaking so hard it feels like i might tear a hole into the floor.

“i am- but i ran out of my medication and i’m shaking- it hurts and it’s okay if you can’t come over but-“

“i’ll be there in five minutes”

that’s all he says before he hangs up.

Danny barges into the restaurant and starts passing josh’s table.

“Danny? what are you doing here” josh stands up, grabbing danny’s arm which causes danny to whip around and for josh to take a few steps back.

“what did you say to Tara” Danny asks

“what-“

“what did you say to her”

“nothing i-“

“well whatever you did. good fucking job”

josh furrows his eyebrows and follows a frantic danny to the bathroom, only to see me half laying down, half sitting up, shaking, and fading in and out of consciousness. danny quickly sits down behind me and pulls me in between his legs so my back is pressed up to his chest and my head falls back into his shoulder.

Danny was probably one of my best friends in every sense of the word, he was always so calm, gentle and..nice.

“hey bunny” he whispers as he brushes some hair from my face “i need you to stay awake for me pretty, you know if you pass out we have to call 911, and i know you don’t want that”

it’s true, whenever i pass out during a episode, more often than not im taken away in a ambulance and taken into observation for one to two days, it always helps when i get a cute paramedic though”

“s’fine” i mutter even though it was not fine, i let my head fall to the side and see josh staring at me with wide eyes and i give him a slurred smile “go see the hostess”

those are the last words i say before i black out and hear Danny curse.

“call an ambulance Josh” Danny orders but josh, looking like he’s frozen in time doesn’t follow his orders.

“JOSH” Danny yells again which seems to snap josh out of his trance before he calls 911 and soon enough paramedics are surrounding me and getting me on a stretcher. once i’m gone danny looks at josh

“i hope whatever you said was worth it”

“what happened to her- was it a allergic reaction or-“ josh stutters before danny huffs and cuts him off

“no you intolerable ass crouton, she has a disorder where if she gets too stressed or upset her body basically shuts down”

danny had never scolded josh to this extent and he couldn’t help but feel like a child being caught stealing a cooking by their mom, all he can think to do in look down at his hands.

“now what i’m going to do is go to the hospital and make sure she’s not alone, you can either come or stay. the choice is up to you”

danny leaves and josh just stands there looking at the spot where i had originally laid.

why did he say those things?

did he really think those things? no go course not.

it’s more of a coping mechanism he thinks. s way to keep his walls up.

but on a friday, on december first at 7:57, his walls has caused you to go to the hospital.

C.U.P.I.D’s 100% success rate my ass.

[fadedelegance]

Hey, look, it’s the reasons I’m quitting my job!

Let me get into what it’s been like working for this financial institution while neurodivergent.

My boss has been a complete twat to me, and that is the only reason I can think of why. One time when I had a social gaffe, she acted like I cussed someone out or said something racist, something legitimately awful like that, when all I did was talk too loudly. When she called me into her office, she said, “Do you want to tell me what you were thinking when you said that?” I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I burst into tears and had to leave early. What fucking right did she have to make me feel that way when I had no ill intent and didn’t insult anyone on purpose or accidentally?

About 9 months ago, she wrote me up because a coworker completely misunderstood something I said and told her manager she didn’t want to work with me anymore—even though we’d worked together dozens of times without any problems. She was actually one of my favorite people to work with, and we both suffer from anxiety, so we understood that about each other. I was telling her about some anxious thoughts I was having about work, and she thought I was accusing her of causing it, when that wasn’t the case at all. My manager just presented me with the write up and told me why it was happening, right then and there. I was given no forewarning whatsoever—no chance to apologize to that coworker to her face, no chance to tell my side to anyone. Everything was done behind my back because apparently managers being passive-aggressive is perfectly normal and not at all petty and unprofessional. 🙃🙃🙃 That was also my second write up within a month, which led me to believe that this was an attempt at constructive termination. (The first write up I got was for not following a rule that I didn’t even know was a rule. And I didn’t even remember what I did that would have constituted breaking that rule. But yes, just escalate it to a write up. Don’t take the time to explain to me that that’s a rule, and here was how I broke it, and give me the verbal warning not do it again. Just immediately escalate it to a write up. Because that’s fair and makes sense.🙃)

I suspect the reason I wasn’t allowed to train on opening new accounts is because she thinks I’m too socially awkward to be in public, which isn’t at all true. I may be on the spectrum, but there are customers who always come to me when they stop by. I had great rapport with the regulars at my previous job. But no, just ask the bully I work for: I’m horribly socially inept and shouldn’t be unleashed upon the poor, unsuspecting public.

She has made me feel like I don’t belong and don’t fit in and like there’s something seriously fucked up and offensive about me. I have never truly understood what her problem with me is, so that’s all I can think of: she thinks I’m repulsive for being autistic. Of course, she can’t say that because that’s illegal. But she’s immature, unprofessional, and petty enough that that probably is the reason why.

The last straw for me was yesterday morning when she yelled at me in front of a branch full of customers, while I was in the middle of helping a customer myself. I could tell by the customer’s demeanor after that that she thought she got me in trouble and was inconveniencing us somehow. It was sad because she was a really nice lady. I made sure to reassure her that she was just fine and hadn’t done anything wrong. I could also sense that she felt secondhand embarrassment. I know that if I had said that my boss had just made an ass of herself, she would’ve agreed with me. I actually felt worse for that customer than I did for myself. I felt embarrassed in front of her, too, because I was working and therefore representing the organization just like my boss. I felt embarrassed on behalf of our organization. 

This is not an exaggeration: out of all the jobs I’ve had over the years, I have never been treated this way by an employer. And, of course, they pay lip service to diversity and inclusion, which, in my experience, is a complete joke. They’re fine with a bisexual woman working for them as long as she’s not autistic. 

I typed up my two weeks notice yesterday. We’re off on Monday because we’re closed for Memorial Day, so I will be submitting that two weeks notice on Tuesday. This job has caused me more severe anxiety then the pandemic did when I was in my previous job. I can’t keep living like this. She crossed a line by trying to humiliate me in front of a room full of people, so that’s why I decided that I’m going to quit. I don’t have another job lined up at the moment, but I have a whole list of places to apply to. I’m also trying to see if I can’t get my previous job back. I enjoyed being a Barista, and I was good at it.

I’m terrified about not having steady income for a little while, and not knowing when I’ll get a new job, but like I said, my anxiety has been so bad over the past 14 or 15 months, that I can’t keep living like this. If you don’t have your health—mental, physical, social (and spiritual, if that’s your thing)—what the fuck do you have?

[weatherman667]

Redo of Healer

I’m not sure if I bought it because of the controversy, despite or because of the braying.  I’m not sure if I bought it simply because I hate censorship, or because it looked like it might have an interesting premise.

This is really something that I had to judge for myself.

It’s a stupid RPG mechanics verse, which I absolutely hate.  RPG mechanics are supposed to be descriptive, not restrictive.  When he hits puberty, he apparently awakens to a class, because, I’m guessing a god set it up that way.  Really stupid premise, but like Shield Hero, it does something really interesting with that premise.  For the record, Shield Hero’s problem is 1) the big reveal is just stupid, and 2) the anime decides to undo all of his misanthropy.

Redo of Healer has him awaken as a healer, but there’s a catch.  You are basically channeling spiritual energies through someone.  So, the first consequence is that you feel all of the trauma of the person you’ve healed.  This naturally causes him to run the fuck away, and they then capture him as a slave.

The second consequence is a simple question, what if you took all of the energies you used to bring someone back from the brink of death, and say, reversed them.  It should be noted that in D&D, evil priests can cast Harm.

Now, every - single - person who says that Redo of Healer is about Misogyny does not care in the slightest about the suffering of men.  Which is par for the course for Feminism.  This is because the first episode barely touches the surface of the enormous amounts of suffering he has faced.  In the first few minutes it has him chained up in a cell and forcefully addicted to a drug to keep him compliant.  He is visibly beaten, constantly has a collar and chain about his neck, and in a split-second cut away has him being choked by his teammates.

These people seeming cannot understand the basic premise of this series:

Princess:  Evil

Demon King:  Good

The Demon King is female, because Maou is difficult to translate.  This is hardly the first series that has flipped the script about this.  This honestly reminds me of Game of Thrones.  I never watched it, but from what I learned about it, rape, incest, murder, torture, slavery, and castration are all pretty common.  But, Feminist flipped their shit when Sansa Stark was raped.  All of the other rapes, (and terrible things), were perfectly fine, until it happened to this one privileged woman.

As for the content warnings.

Yes.

In certain scenes, even if infrequent, if the camera panned down an inch it would be a porn.  The show honestly seems to be using a more realistic consequence of a porn plot.

He also gets raped, a lot.  A lot, a lot.  Strung up on drugs, chained in a dungeon, repeatedly raped and brutalized.  The show is definitely not for the shy of heart.

In truth, he only gives a tiny fraction of a tiny fraction of the pain she inflicted on him in return.

The show honestly has a wonderful balance.  Most shows with this much nudity or brutality would be utterly consumed by it, while this one has interesting characters, an interesting story, an interesting, brutal world.  It deals with the casual brutality of a world where slavery is legal, xenophobia is practically mandatory, and there’s an absolute monarch who has no constitutional checks on his power.

While trying to get out of her just rewards, one of the things the evil princess offers him is “As many women as you would want.”

Because they are commoners, and she’s a princess.  Thousands of commoners can get raped, and it’s not as important as one noble woman.