#Not think of making this before since I didn't expect my commitment to Tumblr could last this long

[chronussy-bc]

About This Blog...

Well, this is a blog for Black Cat content, obviously. I will update news, posting metas, sometimes also the fun stuff I come up with. My favorites are the Time Guardians, with Sephiria as my bias. So if they happen to be those you hate, protect your sanity by scrolling past. I will warn you now, waging a war here, on my land, is not gonna end well for you.

Also, I ship Train/Sephiria. I have no problems with other ships. You can ship whatever you like and express it freely. However, please respect other people's ships, including mine by hyping your ships in the right posts and ignore what you don't like.

My meta posts are my understanding on the characters and the story through what I read in the manga mainly. I have to admit I hate the anime with a passion. You can debate with me and contribute your opinions to every topics, but remember I do not follow the anime lore. The metas are the only battleground. It's cool to have perspectives clashing.

No bashing allow. Explaining why you hate something and bashing are very different things. Explaining earns you allies, while bashing earns you block (at least that's how it is here).

My first language is not English so sometimes the writing is not perfect and as coherent as I want it to be.

That seems to be all. However, what's important needs to be repeated: Right place, right time, right attitude. I'm literally Creed's level of pettiness when someone doesn't understand common sense even with it already written down. So please, don't be that someone.

Some analyzing (the posts all have links to their later parts):

Discussion: Does Creed Hate Women?

Unpopular Opinion: Creed Actually Resembles Sephiria More Than He Does Train.

Lucifer Representation: Creed Diskenth

The list will be updated.

[reedfulton]

hii!! I was wondering if we can get some of your charlie/fulton hcs, or just about them in general. I saw on your fulton rarepairs post that they were one of your pairs and i’d love to hear more on what you have to say about them (bc you didn’t get to in the post) bc I really love them and their paring.

omg absolutely!! sorry, i've totally abandoned tumblr because of school commitments and stuff so i hope this ask isn't too old lmao. but anyway, here are some of my hcs for them!! they're one of my favorite pairs ever and i'm honestly very surprised that more people don't ship them.

i've always said that i think they're childhood friends. i think i posted something about it a long time ago and then proceeded to not elaborate on it, but i always thought that fulton's home life wasn't great and so he was kind of allowed (or forced) to wander minneapolis/stillwater just to get out of the house. i did the math at one point and realized that the diner that casey works at is kind of in-between the heart of minneapolis and stillwater, so it wouldn't be insane to think that fulton might have ended up at the diner a lot as a kid. i think he and casey became 'friends' first (casey practically adopted him) and then when casey brought charlie to the diner because she didn't have anyone to watch him, they became fast friends

their friendship started off so well because fulton was extremely shy and charlie could talk to a brick wall and make good conversation, so charlie didn't really expect anything from fulton and fulton has no problem sitting and listening and retaining information from stories and stuff. that's kind of how their relationship works too lmao. charlie's always talking about random things and his wikipedia deep dives and hockey stats and fulton will definitely talk back if he has something to say, but sometimes charlie just needs a sounding board and fulton is more than happy to be that for him (and charlie is very impressed with all the random stuff fulton remembers just because charlie's the one that told him)

fulton's had a crush on charlie since they were in peewees. i don't think they were still super close when fulton joined the ducks, but they definitely still spoke to each other in class and stuff, and fulton joining sparked their friendship (and fulton's feelings for charlie) again. it's a super cute puppy-love kind of crush, and fulton has absolutely no clue how to deal with it lol. it's also definitely why fulton was watching the D5 games before he ever joined the team, and why he was so ready to fight the hawks the second he had the opportunity.

they definitely have one of those relationships where most people can't even tell if they're best friends or dating. they don't really do PDA (other than charlie laying on him like a cat, which he also does with a lot of people), and 'dude' is their main term of endearment in public lol.

casey LOVES fulton so much it's insane. charlie jokes that when they come home for breaks, she's more excited to see fulton than she is to see him and hes right

fulton's the little spoon but he'd kill anyone that ever found out

charlie is exactly 3 inches taller than fulton and it pisses fulton off to NO END. charlie knows this and definitely teases him about it.

i think once charlie bulks up a bit (probably like junior/senior year) they get to a point where they can wear each other's clothes and then just. never stop. at this point they don't even know who's clothes originally belonged to who anymore.

their first kiss happens after a game where charlie got injured and fulton felt so bad that he couldn't do anything about it that he's fussing over charlie in the locker room afterwards and bumbling his way through apologizes and charlie just. kisses him to shut him up as a funny haha joke but then realizes how fulton reacted to it and is like "oh shit this is actually A Thing"

fulton fell first charlie fell harder

they don't do PDA but they're all over each other the second they're alone. both of them have definitely made the other one irish goodbye at multiple events just so they can go home and make out and cuddle

sorry if these make ZERO sense i definitely was Not writing these at work :D. but i love talking about them so thank you so much for this ask! if you have any other prompts or ideas for them or anything do not hesitate to reach out, now that my semester is over and i'm just working full-time i totally have extra time and want to be more active on here :]

[amalgamateofficial]

Hi!

I’ve been following the story for a while but more as a lurker (sorry) and just started checking out your tumblr and other projects (very cool art btw!!)

But I was just kind of curious—if you don’t mind me asking, how do you figure out how long a chapter should be? Do you sort of feel it out or is it about getting a certain part of the story in one section? I dabble in writing but can never figure out chapter lengths, and thought you might have a method when I saw you mention how long 20 was specifically.

Take your time with the chapter, I’ll be waiting patiently! Happy new year and hope life starts going more smoothly haha

Hiya! So nice to hear from you -- and thank you for checking out my art! I'm so glad you like it! :D

So, when it comes to deciding the length of a chapter, I like each one to have its own mini-narrative because that ensures that each chapter is satisfying on its own. I'm gonna use a few examples from Amalgamate, so I'll put them under the cut to avoid spoiling anything for anyone who isn't caught up :)

So, chapter 6 is probably a good example of what I'm talking about. The crux of chapter 6 is: "oh no, there's no antidote, what do we do?" That means the chapter can't reach a satisfying conclusion until we do find the antidote and Maki commits multiple crimes against the Geneva Conventions to make Kokichi drink it. After she does that, however, there's still a major story beat that's not resolved, which is "Kokichi drank the antidote, but is he actually gonna wake up?" The unresolved conclusion to the chapter 6 narrative is what'll make readers want to read chapter 7.

And then chapter 7 follows a similar pattern. The goal is: Kaito needs to tell everyone the entire hangar/Exisal story before Kokichi wakes up. So, Kaito tells the entire story, but the chapter still ends with the question of whether or not Kokichi's actually waking up. The main goal was accomplished in chapter 7, but it still opened up a new path for the narrative of chapter 8.

The mini narratives don't have to be blatantly obvious either, since that runs the risk of making all the chapters seem formulaic. I think chapter 13's a good example. My goal for the chapter was the same as Kokichi's: make a Searchlight speedrun happen. But new readers (and poor Kaito, bless his heart) don't know Kokichi's goal until he finally forces it to happen in the final third of the chapter. Regardless, the chapter's battle plan for me was: set up that Kokichi has a plan (which is secretly the speedrun), trigger the plan (which is to do the speedrun), and set up the next narrative (which is, "what in the world did the speedrun actually do to Kokichi and why is he suddenly acting like a wannabe discount Mikan post-DR2 trial 3?").

But when it comes to the length of chapter 20, I'll admit I didn't actually reach my goal XD Thankfully, that ended up not being a bad thing, though. I went into the chapter with a certain stopping point in mind, but every scene in the chapter ended up requiring so much more time than I expected, and about halfway through, I realized reaching my original goal would make chapter 20 the length of "War and Peace." But there was still a mini goal I could reach on the way, and when I got there, it ended up feeling just as satisfying as the original ending because it still sets up an "okay, and" for the next chapter. Or, at least, I hope it'll feel that way! I guess we'll find out soon ;;;;;

Sorry, I'm rambling way too much here! I get a bit too excited when it comes to writing, so I hope that accidental essay was actually helpful XD Feel free to ask me questions anytime, though! I really do love talking about writing :)

[vegaseatsass]

GAP 4 spoilers: "We didn't do anything! I'm a woman, how could we?" / "I would make a move if I was a man"

I'm so interested in the question of how Mon thinks of herself and her crush on Sam, because I have my favored headcanon, but there are honestly so many possibilities. I don't think it's cut and dried at all, and I think basically all readings are valid at this point, which makes it extra fun to see where the story is going.

Internalized homophobia possibility 1: Mon could be afraid to let anyone else think her crush on Sam is sexual/anything but fangirling, because she assumes Sam is straight and doesn't want her to start feeling uncomfortable around Mon

Internalized homophobia possibility 2: Mon could be afraid to let herself think her crush on Sam is sexual/anything but fangirling, because she has internalized the idea that such a thing is predatory, and she doesn't want to inflict that on her honorable ladyness. ("How could we????")

Internalized heteronormativity possibility 1: Mon could genuinely not have questioned that her crush on Sam is sexual/romantic/anything but fangirling, despite the very literal wet dreams she has about her on the regular. The fan/idol relationship is sacred and she's devoted herself whole cloth to it for 12 years! What fan's heart wouldn't beat a little faster when her idol's face got really close to her face?

Internalized heteronormativity possibility 2: Mon and Yuki have kissed a bunch, like a WHOLE LOT, and mutually consider that to be regular platonic friends behavior, so obviously Mon having vivid kissing fantasies about Sam every day since she was 10 is different than making a move on her.

"Tumblr user vegaseatsass is reading too much into this" possibility: Mon wants to make a move on Sam, and wants Sam to know she wants to make a move on her, and just used the "I would if I were a man" line for some plausible deniability in case Sam wasn't into it. But Sam is very openly into it, they're both really happy and excited about this, and are gonna kiss on the lips sooooooooooooooon.

I am genuinely not married to any of these readings; I think they are all possible! There's probably plenty more! (Trans/GNC Mon working through gender feelings, expectations, etc, is a reading I see potential for, too, for instance!)

The reason EYE have been reading Mon as not completely in touch w/ all the ways she wants Sam is because she's so unflappably calm about wanting her. She had no notable reaction to getting to see Sam in lingerie or sleep in her bed (vs. her reaction to getting to see inside her house, and learn more about her). She def has the occasional breathless nervous moment, when their faces get realllly close or when Sam's all wet from the pool, and what she's thinking/feeling in those moments could generate a whole other post.

C is my preferred reading because it's the reading I relate to most. TMI but the most easy-natural-unquestioning-comfortable I ever felt wanting a woman was before I knew this want connected me to the negatively-connotated lesbian identity. I have fought through a lot of internalized homophobia since then to get proudly comfortable, and it is entirely possible to become truly cool cucumber levels of comfortable, but that perfect ease is something I personally associate w/ the innocence of not connecting your feelings to society's thoughts on those feelings.

But basically I see it as

a) Mon is the coolest cucumber alive, the inversion of every useless lesbian stereotype out there. You can't make her blush, you can't make her stuttertype; she is in control.

b) Mon is firmly committed to the belief that her crush is going to remain one-sided, and no bedsharing or lingerie is going to shake her comfortably resigned certainty with her place in Sam's life (fan, employee, friend if she's very very good and very very lucky)

or

c) Mon is not really looking too closely at some of the things she feels for Sam, or what some of the things she feels for Sam mean about her.

Idk that this is the reading the story is going for at alllll, though!! And I am not Thai and am obviously bringing my own American thirtysomething's experience of queerness/sexuality/homophobia/etc to things. So most of all I guess I just really love that every episode gives the Sam/Mon dynamic more layers and nuances and things for us to pore over as fans. It's not just about wanting them to resolve their sexy chemistry at this point, but about how many new character details get textured into every single episode and how much there is to explore between Sam and Mon. I LOVE YOU GAP THE SERIES!!!

PS If you got to the end of this post please feel free to share your own readings and headcanons w/ me I obvi can't get enough of talking about this show and wanna hear it all.

[edge-oftheworld]

'have you considered that luke likes to lie' 'all men do is lie' okay maybe he's been a bit optimistic about the scheduling of 5sos6 and has since corrected himself but

before i go on i want to make sure i say it clearly: i'm not saying you did anything wrong by theorising this!! or saying it in (parital) jest! but there is something i really wanted to touch on with my neurodivergent activist hat bc i think we make some assumptions as a society that we really shouldn't.

as someone who gets time blindness especially around creative projects and can be on a roll where I work quickly then crash at an unexpected point and don't do anything for months, timelines for things getting done are often really loose and difficult to picture, and saying 'this year' in january is a very loose and flexible thing referring to a long amount of time, in which a number of things will get done but i can't specifically tell you what. just a list of things that I will attempt to do if i feel like them.

and I basically did want to say, if golden globes!luke was communicating from somewhere anywhere along those lines--it is demoralising to have everyone expect that you know exactly what will get done and when and be held to standards that are fuzzy at best and more optimitic guidelines than a commitment. it is discouraging to be accused of lying (and obv he's not on tumblr, but idk about twitter spaces i imagine people were saying the same and we know he is on there) when you're genuinely doing your best with these socially constructed milestones that don't make sense.

and i don't know for sure what goes on in his head!! none of us do. it'd be weird if we did. so maybe he is lying?? or maybe he's not. all i'm saying is when the whole world assumes one thing and it isn't true it's isolating and invalidating. so think. one tumblr post probably isn't going to do much. but if it's part of a larger culture where experiences that aren't your everyday neurotypical assumption are treated like they don't exist (until proven otherwise then it's 'omg i'm so sorry i didn't realise i didn't mean to!') then that is a problem. and we don't know for sure, but we do know luke has 1) written several songs about time passing by and feeling like he's not keeping up with it; 2) talked about the process of writing shakes in interviews recently, and given a different timeline every single time while also being super genuine and vulnerable in the interview; and 3) forgotten how old he is mid sentence in an interview one time. it's not a stretch for me to think 'maybe he's not lying and if everyone assumes he is it could be harmful'.

also adding on this I feel like we can kinda extrapolate this to the band as a whole?? being curious and nonjudgemental even though we are frustrated, because to most of us time is a constant thing we make plans to and we like to know when things are happening and get frustrated when we don't. but think about it. the whole 'soon' saga. ashton initially planning to release a single in march. they're creative, they work hard and fast when they're in the zone, and sometimes that comes with the cost of Simply Not Knowing When Something Will Happen. for me it's validating of my own experience. for many it's frustrating and that's understandable!! i do want to say again i really don't want to antagonise or criticise anyone for expressing that. but i also want us to start questioning, does time really get experienced the same for everyone? and the answer is no. and so we can't always just assume people can automatically translate to a language of scheduling that might feel foreign. and in the meantime we can enjoy listening to more songs about this very experience!

[renagato]

So here I am, coming back from the dead of every possible social media app (maybe expect pinterest..).

- rising from the dead to write a post about how I absolutely suck at posting.

Note: I'm writing this on a whim, without even making notes, so I might NOT make sense at moments. But I will write this sht anyways. No one can stop me.

So here's my short story:

I started posting art more than a year ago on insta, it wasn't that bad actually. But I was posting the kind of art I had no connection to (to make more likes) so,, i burned myself out and stopped posting. After a year of break I decided to start sharing my art again (art that I actually enjoy creating) BUT I suck at posting. And it's not like I don't have art to post but I'm still doing horribly..

Then, du-du-du, what is it? What's stopping you? What is your problem?

Well, the first answer is "tf I know" but let's ponder on this a bit.. What makes it difficult for me to post and run a proper account?

Reason number one! The sole act of posting is stressful (and also bothersome in a way?). It's stressful because I already think about how many likes I'll get (or how I won't get any bruh), plus I have to write a shitton of hashtags to even hope to get some. To add to that, there's that thought that I'm sharing my art with complete strangers in the back of my head and I get scared of judgement.

Stop! You can fight this fear, and put up with hashtags somehow, right? Actually, I did pretty well for some time. But alas, then comes the reason numberrr-

Two! The algorithm (maybe not here on tumblr but you know the deal). If you're irregular, it'll take you years to build your account. And I'm irregular af. I draw irregularly, and thus post even more irregularly or I don't do it at all. So I can say goodbye to a proper account, I guess, and chances of somebody finding me.

Well, I could go back to the "posting" part as I got a random thought - the act of posting somehow kills the fun for me? Firstly, you have to watermark your piece if you don't want it stolen (and it doesn't guarantee its safety in 100% anyways, bruh) and I don't watermark my arts AT ALL. Thus, even if I know I should, I end up forgetting to do it anyway and I get frustrated over a pretty much silly thing that a watermark is. Secondly, the stress that I talked about already.

Let's go to reason number three! And maybe this one is my main problem? I get discouraged easily and I struggle with keeping up with things (being irregular, as I mentioned before + simply forgetting to do things). And well, I can only blame myself on that, I guess 💀 I have lots of ideas but committing to anything is a big pain for various reasons - everything I discussed above + a bit of perfectionism too, I'd say. That's kind of a bad mix,,

So, we got 3 big reasons and everything in-between I probably didn't think of! If anyone has read all of this, thank you.

And since I'm struggling but still would like to run some sort of account/blog, I'd like to ask for any sort of advice! Or maybe you relate to what I wrote. In any case, feel free to share your thoughts and ideas!

Ahh, now I need to put the tags, good heavens..

[nocaffeineforlevi]

CON ROUNDUP

Day One:

Cosplay: S4 Simm!Master

My mom was with me dressed as Missy so we got stopped a bunch for photos.

When I was down in Artist Alley someone started doing the drumbeat and I swear I almost collapsed.

I was part of a panel about Trans stories in Doctor Who and everyone was very sweet and supportive.

The con had a thing where cosplayers could sign up and do a walk across the stage with whatever ers you were apart of, so I did that, all the cosplayers were super nice and I had a great time.

I was going to go to a dance party thing that the con had, but unfortunately the time difference really got to me so I didn't end up doing it.

Day Two

Cosplay: Weeping Angel

Had another panel much earlier so I had to rush a bit to get the makeup and everything on, but the cosplay came together wonderfully and I got asked for lots of photos again (My mom was Ten this time so we also got asked for a lot of photos together)

Once we got down into artist alley we get approached by this 13 cosplayer who compliments our cosplays and starts to ask for photos, but is interrupted by me impulsively screaming because I realize that the 13 cosplayer is Katiegangel. I talked about this a bit in a different post but yeah she was super nice and understanding about me freaking out. AND She did a little thing for one of our photos where she took my hand and said "I've never had a Weeping Angel as a companion before" and my heart was beating so fast but I managed to get out a response so aaaaa. (Just found out she DOES have a tumblr @katiegangel hope you don't mind me tagging, it was awesome to meet you!) (Dang imagine if that's an impersonation account) (welp)

Big Finish had a table in the center and I managed to pick up a copy of the Ten and Missy audio drama since they didn't have any of them the previous day. (I listened to it today and it was as amazing as I expected, although I was a little sad it wasn't technically ten who was meeting missy)

I went to my panel which was much emptier this time, so luckily there weren't many people around to see me awkwardly attempt to sit in a chair while wearing those wings.

After I had a break I went back down to artist alley and got to meet ANOTHER cosplayer I recognized from tiktok (I can't remember their username, but they cosplay Yaz with Katie as Thirteen a lot and that' why I recognized them) and I got to get a photo with them as well.

In preparation for watching the Star Beast I had to change from the Weeping Angel cosplay back into Simm!Master and it took SO LONG to get all the makeup off.

I brought my knitting with because I knew we were going to have to wait for a while before we got to watch the episode, the line outside of the room was super long but I was too anxious to knit.

Once we finally got in and got seated we ended up in the row behind Katie and her friends and I was silently freaking out again, so I started knitting and ended up talking with the person next to me who liked the panel I did on Friday. Katie turned around and we ended up doing some in-character banter because "haha the Master is knitting a scarf" "It's an evil scheme I swear" "You didn't shave Beep the Meep to make that yarn did you" "even if I did I morally committed no crime" so anyway by the time the event started I wasn't as nervous anymore.

When announcing the event the guy on stage I think misspoke and mentioned "The Master" so, like any normal group of people, this ballroom full of hundreds of Whovians started doing the four-beat clap. I unfortunately didn't get my phone out in time to record it but it was insane hearing that lol.

The director of the episode was a guest so she came out and talked up the episode a bit before recording a video of all of us cheering to send to RTD and David Tennant.

Then the episode begins and I already talked about that so no need to talk about that.

Final event of the night, we did Karoake and found a S3 Simm!Master cosplayer (we had run into him several times the previous day as well) and he had a Ten cosplayer with him this time. They did Good Old-Fashioned Loverboy together and were overall awesome. Me and my mom did Starman and it was really fun.

The entire time throughout the con people were giving out these ribbons that you could put onto your badge and by the time we left mine was over a foot long.

Overall, super fun con, props to you if you actually read through this whole post, I cannot imagine that anyone else found this interesting to read through, I'm mainly just writing this to remind myself about all the fun things that happened.

[captainsy-cookiemonster]

Dreaming (part 2)

Tap here to get to part one

Pairing: soft! Sherlock x 2nd person pov reader

Warnings: none, floofy fluff, probably very badly written love confession, all the softness

Not beta'd, all mistakes are mine. Also written here on Tumblr, so word count?? Eh? Longer than part one tho. Also, it could be that the ending is a little bit rushed, I really wanted to post it today (Valentine's day)

Enjoy 💕 and please like, comment and reblog if you liked it, writers live off validation 💖

He took you back two months later. Working case after case, each more urgent than the last; so it seemed. That in reality he was throwing himself into work because he couldn't work up the courage to ask you that one question, remained a secret to you. God forbid Sherlock Holmes being scared of anything, let alone asking his beloved to marry him.

Summer was coming to an end now. He took you back to his childhood home for what he claimed a break from the buzz in London. A holiday if you will. To enjoy the grand finale of summer out in the greenery before winter dug its talons deep into the heart of the city, forcing you to remain inside, in the cozy warm glow of the hearth, safe from the danger in the streets.

He had become protective of you, overly so. Wherever you went, he had to come there with you. Though he'd rather you stay inside altogether. He knows the horrors hiding in the shadows. He makes a living hunting them, unraveling their secrets. And he's doing his best to keep you safe, never to come into contact with those monsters in human form, apart from his discussions with you, of theoretical nature of course.

He took you for a stroll, like he had your first time visiting his family's estate. After tea, just like before. Your arm hooked under his, his hand covering the back of yours.

Just like before, he visited every one of his favorite spots, telling you little anecdotes about each of them, a gentle smile on his lips at the memories. And you smiled along with him, fondly, pleased to see him in a brighter mood again.

The time back in London left him dim. The cases he worked were stressful. Murder, abduction, and everything in between. There had been days that he didn't come out of his study at all. You had brought him food on those days, making sure he would at least eat something. You could be happy if he so much as glanced at you on those days.

And then there were days when he burst into the parlor, making you jump and nearly drop your book out of shock, telling you about his breakthrough in the case. He'd discuss the connections with you until deep into the night.

You get closer to the old tree, Sherlock's favorite spot in the garden. Smiling fondly, you remember the last time you had been here, the longing you felt.

Sherlock decides this is the moment to speak up.

"My dearest."

You glance at him, not noticing how he has slowed his pace.

"Before I met you, I thought I would only ever care for my work. Then you knocked at my door. I am a different man since, love."

"Sherl-?" you start, but he interrupts you almost immediately.

"Let me talk, please," he chuckles, smiling at you softly. But you also spot something flashing over his face. The way he so intently watches yours. He's nervous.

"I find myself thinking about you more often than not. You are a distraction, my love, but one I don't want to live without. One I cannot live without. Seeing you brightens my day. Hearing your voice, your laugh, makes me forget about everything else in the world. I cannot live without you anymore. I dare not even imagine a world without you in it."

You reach the tree. Sherlock steps in front of you, taking both your hands in his. He studies your face, but finds mostly confusion. For your sharp mind, you had not expected this.

"I have never expected to commit to anything besides my work. You changed that. You changed me, my love."

Your breathing stops when he gets down on one knee, looking up at you like you are his world.

"Will you do me the honour of being my wife, darling?"

You can only answer with a chocked sob as you sink on your knees and wrap your arms around him. Nodding into his neck, you can finally press out a Yes.

Soon, he pulls back, cups your face in his hands and presses a sweet kiss to your lips - the first of many. Pulling you to sit next to him under the tree, he hugs you to his side. It is not until later that afternoon that he pulls a small jewellery box from his coat pocket.

You watch with baited breath as he opens it and takes your hand in his, slipping the the most beautiful ring you've ever seen on your finger.

While you let out a soft gasp, he takes in your face, every little detail. Would you like it?

"Love, I -... It is stunning," you breathe out and he visibly relaxes. You lean up to kiss him once more. And then you both lean back against the tree and each other. From somewhere in his coat, Sherlock retrieves your book and starts reading to you. Only when the day draws to an end, he puts it down, helps you get up and leads you back into the house, to watch the sunset from the balcony.

Tomorrow you would begin planning the wedding. Tonight, you'd enjoy the perfect ending to a perfect day.

Maybe what you have dreamed of would come true now. Raising your children here, in Sherlock's childhood home - if his brother allowed it.

THE END

[landonkirbyappreciation]

Hi I hope you're doing well. So I'm new to Tumblr because I want it to get on a site that doesn't have so many toxic antis on it. So far I haven't ran into any here which is a good sign and people have been really friendly which I love. But I have to say your blog and your Handon haven blog is like my new safe haven for all things Landon and Handon. I just love your gifs and thoughts.

Also I apologize if you have already answered something like this before. But ever since the start of s2 this has been on my mind. But why do people hate Landon so much? I really don't want to believe it's all because of a ship. And their reasons for hating him and saying that he's "a bad boyfriend" makes zero sense. All the reasons they have are him having basic human emotions. He gets upset when he has every right to be he's a horrible person and bad boyfriend. He goes to take a walk to avoid a fight or after a fight so that means "he's leaving her once again." I think the one I've seen the most is how back in s1 when Landon found out Hope has been lying to him about his mom. And people say "he didn't have to ask her about that right then. And he sure didn't have to walk away either." I think the only way I could agree with that is if Landon found out about hours ago and then waited until that moment to say something. But the fact is he found out only moments before hand. He was clearly hurt and upset and after finding out something like that I don't think him or anyone else could have waited at ask about that. And once he was showing basic human emotions. So it makes perfect sense that he would go take a moment for himself. But there's no doubt in my mind that if Hope actually cared about that pageant and wasn't just doing it for Lizzie, that he would have stayed even though he was upset and did the pageant with her. And the list only goes on like that, Landon shows emotions he has bad person and boyfriend. When in fact it's the exact opposite. I swear the way antis try to make Landon sound you would think there was an episode that came out that only antis got to see where Landon commits mass murder, cheats on Hope with dozen different women while drowning puppies for kicks of it.

In 3 seasons the worse thing he did was unknowingly stole a knife and then lied about it because he was scared. That's it that's the only bad thing he's done. Everything else was him doing everything he could to help while being there for Hope when no else was. Also people are so quick to say that Landon is a bad boyfriend but no one talks about the few times that Hope wasn't to best girlfriend(or they take those times and twist them to make Landon the bad guy). Like her lying to him about his mom, or her refusing to teach him how to fight because the monsters were back when that would be the perfect time for him to learn how to defend himself. Or her trying to send Landon to the prison world with Raph because the necromancer was back and planning something. Let me just say I'm not coming at Hope I love her to bits and I know her reasons for doing what she did was rooted in her fears and her not wanting Landon to get hurt. And I can understand that completely(but at the same time not really her best moments even if her heart was in the right place)and glad that at the beginning of s3 she was starting to let Landon to help and do more and not trying to put him in a cage so much(I hope I made sense with that one and that you understand what I'm trying to say with the Hope part. If not sorry). I just don't understand the Landon or Handon hate for that matter. Yes they have fights and disagreements like every other couple. But nothing that would warrant this much hate. These two love each other so much and would do anything for each other and they generally make each other better and happier. You can just see it when they're around each other and away from each other. And if im being honest they're one of the healthiest relationships in the TVDU. Okay there's so much more I could add and say. But I'm going to end this here before this ask gets way to long.

Once again sorry if you already answered something like this before. I know it could get annoying answering the same thing over again.

Hi! Thank you, I hope you’re doing well too! And that’s understandable, it’s way better here than other places, like Twitter. There can still be some hate and negativity at times, but for the most part, it’s pretty minimal. But wow, really? Aww, I’m so glad! Thank you so much!! That means a lot. ❤️

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why people hate Landon so much. I think all the hate started mostly because of ships, but has just grown from there. I also feel like people hate on him because that’s become the popular thing to do. But yeah, their reasons for hating him really don’t make any sense, there’s just no good reason to hate on him at all. Exactly, because he has feelings and has been affected by very serious things, he’s not a good person or boyfriend?? It’s so obvious that they just don’t think that Landon’s feelings matter. The times that he’s walked away were when he was really hurt, but I guess he’s not allowed to feel hurt or take care of himself? Landon isn’t one to fight, he goes to take time to calm down and to think. And it’s not like he does it all the time (despite what some people say), it’s happened a few times in extreme situations.

But yes, people have often brought up 1x14, and they don’t even try to see Landon’s side of things. People really think he should’ve waited to ask Hope? Yeah, exactly, he had just barely found out about it, how could he not have brought it up? Imagine having the kind of life that he had, where he had grown up abused and without a family or home, didn’t know who his parents were, but had that picture of Seylah and always wanted answers. He had wanted to meet her his whole life and know why she had given him up, because that affected his entire life. And then to find out that he had met her and gotten answers only to have it all wiped away? And that Hope had been lying to him about it after the issues him lying to her about the knife had caused? And how they had agreed to be honest with each other? If people can’t understand how that must have made him feel and why he was so emotional that he had to leave, and think that he should’ve just stayed at a pageant that neither him or Hope wanted to participate in, then idk what to say. And true, it’s possible if he thought Hope actually cared about the pageant that he might have forced himself to get through it. But I don’t think he should’ve been expected to either way, he was obviously very hurt and overwhelmed. He shouldn’t have had to stay when he was feeling all of that. Because it was still about his mother and his life and being lied to vs. a pageant. And Hope shouldn’t have had to stay either when she was feeling so upset and panicked too, it was Roman who convinced her to stay when she didn’t have to, which just made it worse.

And Landon’s reasons for walking away the other times were just as valid. Hope doesn’t tell him who she is for months, after he’d been struggling while she was gone, had been killing himself, and was still in love with her but didn’t know it. And then realized she’d let him be with Josie, which also might have made him question how Hope felt about him? That all must have been very shocking, but antis think he’s not allowed to be upset? Same with when he lost his brother/best friend and his powers all in one day, turning his life upside down and leaving him scared about his future with Hope. He takes time for himself in these situations and people are outraged. It’s so clear that they don’t care about his feelings at all. If he reacts to anything, even though his reactions are perfectly reasonable, they attack him. Seriously though, idk what show they’ve been watching, because they really do make him sound as if he’s done absolutely horrible things with the way they talk about him.

So true, and another reason he lied about the knife was because he felt influenced by it as well. Because he had said it was like “the knife wanted me to steal it and then it wanted me to lie.” So not even that was his fault. Exactly, he’s not done anything bad. And he’s not perfect, but he does always have good intentions and tries to do the right thing. And yep, he’s been there for Hope more than anyone too.

And I agree when it comes to Hope. I love her too, but she’s not perfect either, but no one says anything about it. They seriously do just twist everything to make Landon look bad while not acknowledging when Hope hasn’t necessarily made the best decisions. And yeah, I understand her reasons for all that she did too and that she just wanted to protect Landon. She had good intentions as well, and was also scared, so I totally get that. But some of what she’s done hasn’t always been the best for Landon, like with her lying about Seylah, or her not wanting to train Landon to fight, which would’ve been very beneficial to him (especially this last season when he was in the prison world). But yes, she has been able to handle that sort of stuff better and has let Landon do more over time, which is good. And you did make sense, I do understand what you’re saying. So I can see both Hope’s and Landon’s side of things. It just bugs me when people only ever choose to see Hope’s side while ignoring Landon’s.

Agreed, I’ll never understand the Landon or Handon hate either. And yeah, they have disagreements, but they also grow from those disagreements. Like every time they’ve had one, they talk things out and just get stronger. So it’s helped them to communicate and understand each other better and know how to move forward together. And exactly, they both make each other so happy and they bring out the best in each other. And ikr, they are one of the healthiest TVDU couples, that’s why it baffles me when people have such strong reactions when it comes to Handon, and will call them toxic, etc. Were they not around for TVD/TO? Have they not watched them? Because if they’re so bothered by such minor things with Handon, you’d think they’d explode if they saw what happened with some of the other couples from the other shows.

And it’s fine! I’ve posted about all kinds of stuff, so I may have talked about some of this before, but can’t remember tbh haha.

[smol-nevi]

I don't generally make this kind of thing a habit, but I think if you happen to be on the Crystal RP Discord, aka @crystal-rp-ffxiv, you should probably be aware of this kind of behavior, so here goes.

If you're on Crystal RP and the admin team decides they don't like you, you're going to be living under a microscope while they wait for you to mess up, if not bait you, probably while making up conspiracies about you as well. As for how I know this, I was a moderator for about a week's duration and saw it first-hand.

Unapologetically lengthy post. Receipts in the link above, long version below the cut.

From the first time I looked in the mod chat I knew something was wrong. I read backwards in the channel, thinking I'd acclimate myself and see what kind of rules precedents had been set and that sort of thing. I mostly just found out that they had it out for a particular member (at the time using the name Jericho) for not much reason. They'd spent a troubling amount of time over the past few months watching him and another member like vultures, believing them to be the same person and waiting for them to make some kind of mistake that would justify banning both of them...despite keeping different schedules, having different personalities and typing habits, and visibly being two different people. The admin team had come to the conclusion that Jericho was a troll who wanted to make them look bad, and anything he said or did was scrutinized to a ridiculous degree for evidence that would corroborate their belief.

Except none of the things they believed at all were true: he'd had a minor argument via DM with the head admin Benjimir Thursby's wife, Tessariel Aerlinn, who had made an overly broad statement about anime and Asian culture. Jericho had told her that overgeneralization about 'Asian culture' is potentially racist, and she became extremely angry, saying that because she's Asian, she can't be racist against Asians. After that, it seemed that Jericho was considered fair game for whatever retaliatory actions the two of them could justify.

Even a cursory glance at actual racism in Asia pokes Tessariel's statement entirely full of holes, and having personally read the conversation I didn't see anything actually inaccurate in his statement even if she believed it didn't apply to her. I asked what he had done that would merit such a response, because it felt very disproportionate to anything I'd ever seen him do publicly, and that was what I was told. The exchange via DMs had been screencapped and kept in a channel for evidence, and while I didn't get a copy of it, I did read it, and I said that I thought it sounded awfully one-sided and punitive and would have been much better as an actual conversation. I also expressed that I was concerned how much of the channel had been solely devoted to what was basically a witch hunt, considering that some of the server members had over the course of the past couple of months commented that the admins' behavior towards Jericho seemed biased.

I basically got a pat on the head and told that my opinion was "valued" but wrong. This would happen a lot over the course of the week.

Shit continued to escalate. Their favorite punching bag, who was acutely aware of the grudge by now and probably trying to be nice and discuss something that he thought they could all talk about, brought up some articles that stated that LOTRO might be having a graphical overhaul. This actually ended in him being put into some kind of time-out mute, because "everyone knows those articles are debunked already" despite them still being hosted on reputable games news sites. Back-channel, the admin consensus was that he was in fact trying to bait Benjimir and Tessariel into somehow looking stupid in public, because [paraphrasing] 'he knows how important LOTRO is to them.'

Benjimir in fact went off publicly about how he knows the dev team and they sent him 'personalized swag' for 'being himself' and that everyone should just listen to him because he's right. Someone else made a reasonable request for sources on statements that Benjimir made about the LOTRO improvements not happening, and they immediately became the team's private #2 punching bag.

The whole time I reiterated that this was really uncomfortable and I had serious concerns about the way they were handling Jericho. And as always I received a pat on the head and was told to not worry about it, there were really good reasons for it, really. He was 'bringing down the quality of discourse' on the server somehow. Benjimir decided that the only way he would unmute Jericho is if Jericho talked directly to him, and that Jericho tried to talk to any of the more level-headed members of the team first was taken as obvious evidence that he wanted to evade rules and create problems. I asked when we planned to unmute him, and Tessariel immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had messaged me, which wasn't incorrect but the way she worded it felt highly accusatory and I was beginning to feel that I was also in trouble somehow for not agreeing with the rest of the team.

Things came to a head quickly when I woke up and looked at the mod chat and they were having an animated conversation that started with Benjimir asking if it was 'bad that he was laughing at Jericho' and most of the rest of the team talking about how he was stupid, uninformed, a troll, etc. for the sin of having some misgivings about cryptocurrency, of all the things. One of the mods self-described their behavior as bullying. I said that this was extremely unprofessional and that I thought they should keep conversation to actual moderation matters, and if they had a personal disagreement with a server member they should handle it in a personal venue, not via official server moderation channels.

I was, for the final time, patted on the head, and told that this was not something they would consider, because the moderation team 'needs to be able to vent for their mental health' (never mind that the job was not stressful except for the rest of the team committing worse behavior than the server members) and that maybe I was in fact too sensitive for the job. Benjimir heavily implied that I had become too close to Jericho and was being manipulated, managed to misgender me somehow despite my having used solely male or neutral pronouns the entire time I'd been on the server, and after relating a story in which a couple of years ago a well-liked moderator left after having the same complaints as I did (which he saw nothing at all troubling about), suggested that I should be demoted to babysitting the lore channel.

So I took some time to collect receipts, which are linked at the top of the post, and told him where to shove it.

Since that time, things have actually somehow gotten worse on Crystal RP. Benjimir posted an entire page screed vaguely talking about "rampant negativity" that stated anyone with questions should DM him.

Upon DMing him with questions, Jericho was banned, the only reason given being that he was a 'poor fit' for the server in some vague way. I was immediately banned afterwards for calling out this decision as being driven by a personal vendetta in the feedback channel and let him know afterwards via DMs in no uncertain terms that I had logged everything I needed and would be building my case (and that he is an asshole). Jericho was reinstated, though I'm not sure what the conditions of his return were as that was after my ban and I didn't ask since I didn't want to stress him out further. Benjimir also reprimanded someone for discussing asexuality, stating in a DM to them that the conversation was somehow ERP related. I called him out on this via DM as well. Tessariel was not much later caught posting my last DMs to Benjimir in an entirely unrelated server, though she didn't include the part after that where I brought up his aphobia (during Pride Month, in a server with a rainbow icon no less). Benjimir for some reason decided to suddenly start following my FC's Tumblr well after our falling-out.

And as of today (6/24), Crystal RP now has seven pages of draconian rules, because it wasn't micromanaged hard enough before or something. Notably, a lot of these rules describe behaviors that they wanted to punish Jericho for but couldn't at the time justify, or that they'd like to punish me for but have nothing they can do to me. Or they exist to justify their own behavior, as now seen in the very beginning of the channel:

"This approach also provides our volunteers with leeway to act in good faith without the burden befitting a professional occupation."

"So we afford them the means to speak openly, vent, lament, candidly and yes, sometimes crassly and raw about everything and one."

Not only did they behave unprofessionally and shit-talk before, they have now encoded in the rules that this is acceptable and even good moderator behavior, because they saw someone else do it so it's fine (a lot of this wording is very similar to what I was told when I protested it). So rather than address anything I ever said past or present, Benjimir is choosing to double down and giving himself and his team explicit permission to be shitty, right in the opening paragraphs where you'd have expected a mission statement or at least some sort of welcome.

Which is about all you need to know about that server and its owners, in my estimation. I'd considered not even posting to Tumblr about it, but given that it's only getting worse, I think it should be generally known that this is how you can expect to potentially be treated.

[loveisneurotic]

Kaguya-sama Blind Reaction/Analysis: S1E1

Hello everyone, this is my blog which I am currently using to react to and analyze Kaguya-sama: Love Is War much more seriously than I should analyze any romcom.

I have only seen the first episode of the anime, which this post shall explore using far too many words. If I'm feeling particularly motivated, I may read the manga as well.

My analysis will contain spoilers. If you're thinking of watching this show and haven't seen it yet, I recommend you at least go check out the first episode yourself before reading any further. I don't know what the rest of the show is like, but what I've seen so far has been both entertaining and thought-provoking.

I'm going in mostly blind, but not entirely blind. There are a few images of the anime and manga that I have been exposed to, although without the attached context. Due to cultural osmosis and the sheer popularity of this work, perhaps that was almost inevitable.

Figure 1.1.1: Why did this guy write an essay about a single episode of an ongoing romcom?

Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

Season 1 Episode 1

I Will Make You Invite Me to a Movie / Kaguya Wants to Be Stopped / Kaguya Wants It

Power dynamics in relationships

Figure 1.1.2: Immediately, the mangaka's tastes become clear.

I heard a saying once that really stuck with me: "The partner who cares the least has all of the power."

In the world of dating, I often sincerely believed this saying. You may yearn for someone's affection, but the other person need not give it to you until they are willing and ready. No matter how much you want it, you can't make someone more interested in you, unless you resort to being roundabout, such as adding some mystery and intrigue to your courtship. But is that excessive?

I once felt a potential lover slipping through my grasp, and before I knew it, I found myself chasing after them. As I was yearning for their attention, I felt as if I'd lost my dignity. It was humiliating. Painful. Was it just that they weren't the right person for me? Or was I not funny enough? Not charismatic enough? Not interesting enough? Too clingy? Too talkative? Should I have been more distant and given them more space? Did I seem too weak? Too eager? How should I have maximized my desirability? Regardless, I had surely lost. Perhaps they wanted the satisfaction and validation of conquering me. Playing me for a fool and asserting their superiority by being so distant. Isn't that right? Or is that just insecurity speaking? At what point is it ideal to cut one's losses and walk away?

If someone desperately wants the object of their affection to desire them, does that make them pathetic? Does it make them a loser? If you show more vulnerability and desire than the other person, does that truly make you the weak one in a relationship?

These questions plague our two protagonists and seem to be a driving force behind the main conflict. Since I have also grappled with how much to reveal my own feelings of desire, I find Kaguya-sama: Love Is War to be a particularly fascinating show.

Desire without action

Figure 1.1.3: Our protagonists are gifted with impressively high academic intelligence paired with impressively low emotional intelligence.

The show wastes no time in introducing us to our two main protagonists. Kaguya was born into a family of high stature (and says "ara ara" frequently enough to power a small country of weebs), whereas Shirogane is a "commoner" (Kaguya's word, not mine) who worked hard to reach the pinnacle of the student body. Like timid schoolchildren, they're crushing on each other, and yet they refuse to admit it due to their pride. Instead, they focus on getting their "opponent" to confess their love first.

What stuck out to me immediately is how they both have different ideas of what their relationship would be like. Shirogane envisions Kaguya as blushing, shy, and conventionally cute, whereas Kaguya (thankfully) envisions herself taking absolute dominance over Shirogane (which plenty of people should see coming as a character trait after the anime's very first scene). The bad news about this is that their two fantasies are at odds. The good news about this is that the mangaka has fantastic taste -- you can learn a lot about a storyteller based on the characterization of a love interest or lead character of the author's preferred gender.

In the event that the two of them become an actual couple, I wonder how on Earth they'll reach a compromise as to how they'll treat each other. Perhaps they will have to figure that out before they can even get that intimate.

I appreciate that we get to see both of their perspectives. It hammers home how everyone has a different truth in regards to what they desire and what they experience, and the show does not hold back when it comes to showing just how different these truths can be -- such as a certain lunch-themed sequence that I will talk about later. This works to great dramatic and comedic effect.

That said, when you spend your time fantasizing about what could happen instead of actually taking action, time is not so friendly to you.

Half a year passes.

Figure 1.1.4: Two geniuses dedicate their pride to wasting their life and energy.

Immediately, I got the impression that whoever wrote this segment of the story knows what they're doing. This is too real. And by "too real", I mean I very much appreciate the realism. How many of us have waited for ages (or for eternity) to confess our feelings to a specific someone?

This is the curse of having a crush and being incapable of acting on it. It's also why I hate having crushes.

Manufacturing affection in others, AKA the extraction of vulnerability

Figure 1.1.5: A plan is devised to weaponize jealousy in the name of affection.

To express your truest feelings means being vulnerable. That implies taking a risk and feeling responsible for any potential consequences of rejection, as well as putting our dignity on the line. It would be so much easier for the object of our affection to make themselves vulnerable instead. So instead of being direct and honest, we act indirect. We drop hints. We act suggestively, but not explicitly. We may even place them in situations where we think they are more likely to confess. If they don't pick up on it, we can pretend we didn't mean anything by it. That way, we don't have to risk our dignity. We can just wait for them to make the move.

It sucks.

Incidentally, it sucks even more when both you and your love interest are thinking that way.

It sucks infinitely more when both you and your love interest are COMMITTED to thinking that way.

Someone has to break the deadlock, whether that's immediately or eventually.

If this show isn't one of those romcoms where the status quo never changes ever (judging by the quality of writing, I have faith that it isn't), then at some point, either Shirogane or Kaguya is going to have to be explicit about how they really feel. And it's going to feel scarier to them than anything else they've ever done.

It's gonna be great.

If we could all grow up and live in environments where it's safe and encouraged for all of us to be honest about how we feel and what we want, surely love would be much less painful for so many people.

Chaos theory

Figure 1.1.6: If your prospective lover won't protect you, then your friend definitely will.

Chika is the ideal wild card and agent of chaos in this arena of love.

From a writing perspective, Chika is immensely useful. The mangaka probably could have gotten by without a third character in the mix, but she serves as a catalyst and an unknown element, able to create unpredictability and subversion of expectations. For a comedy-oriented story, this is invaluable.

Blissfully unaware of the mental turmoil that plagues our two lovesick dorks, she is able to unintentionally invalidate whatever schemes that Kaguya or Shirogane spent so much mental energy on, which adds extra comedy and tension for the audience. She is also an effective vehicle for Kaguya's jealousy and projection, as seen in the lunchbox scene which I have so graciously foreshadowed.

Figure 1.1.7: We have confirmed visual on an unidentified fourth person. Chekhov would love this. From their posture, I wonder if they'll be a gloomy character?

Misunderstandings and assumptions

I've heard that most interpersonal conflicts in life emerge from misunderstandings. In the absence of communication, assumptions are born and give rise to misunderstandings.

You may know where I'm going with this. Let's talk about the lunchbox sequence.

Figure 1.1.8 (not pictured because tumblr wishes to deny me of my image spam): Kaguya is too prideful to admit she thinks that a couple is doing something cute.

Figure 1.1.9: Pride is considered a sin for a reason.

From a writing perspective, I was impressed by the lack of romantic intentions in Shirogane in this whole sequence. Not once did he try to get Kaguya to show vulnerability to him. Instead, Kaguya is the only one spinning the situation in a romantic way, while Shirogane's driving force is the misunderstanding that Kaguya is looking down on him for what he eats. Because of this misunderstanding, Shirogane doubles down and makes his food even better, making the situation even more complicated and more stressful for Kaguya. This was definitely my favorite comedy sequence from the first episode.

I appreciate that the show has demonstrated the ability to create these scenarios where one of the characters doesn't even have love on their mind, but there are still romantic thoughts coming from the other character which drives the drama. It gives me a lot of faith in the variety this show will have to offer, and makes me excited to watch more.

When it comes to comedy rooted in misunderstandings, it is important to have miscommunication or lack of communication. In order to resolve a misunderstanding, you need to talk about it. For a pairing as dysfunctional as Kaguya and Shirogane, expecting healthy communication sounds highly unreasonable, which makes them prime material for a whole world of misunderstandings.

Misunderstandings are rooted in assumptions about what the other person meant when they said something or made a certain gesture or expression. When Kaguya glared at Shirogane and his food, he didn't even think to ask "What's the matter?" He just made an assumption about how she felt. I wonder if trying to understand Kaguya's feelings would be considered a sign of weakness by Shirogane?

A prerequisite to initiating an emotional conversation is the desire to understand or be understood by the other person -- assuming that your assumptions haven't already built a narrative for you. It is far easier to make assumptions than it is to attempt any sort of understanding.

In the end, Shirogane fled, unwilling to confront or attempt to understand the intense and passive-aggressive Kaguya. Kaguya feels that she cannot directly ask to try his lunch, so perhaps this is the closest she can get to initiating such a conversation with him at this time. Despite their mind games where they imagine the reactions of their opponent, they still have a lot of difficulty understanding each other.

I am curious to see if this prospective couple's communication skills and emotional intelligence will improve over the course of the story.

The burden of potential romance

Figure 1.1.10: Even the infallible genius Kaguya succumbs to superficial jealousy. It's "mind over matter" versus "matter over mind". That's how the saying goes, right?

Chika is a free spirit, able to ask Shirogane for whatever she wants without being neurotic. That is the power of not being bounded by a crush. Kaguya, who lacks that degree of freedom, briefly loathes her for experiencing something that Kaguya cannot ask for. It's amazing how much someone's feelings for a friend can change without a single word being spoken between them. All it takes is an action, unintentional or not, combined with the raw strength of insecurity. Just as quickly, the status quo can return back to normal too, with the act of properly making up.

To Chika, asking for food from someone doesn't mean anything at all, whereas with Kaguya, it is an admission of defeat. In that sense, a relationship that will only ever be platonic brings peace of mind, whereas a relationship that can be potentially romantic brings leagues upon leagues of anxiety if the outcome is of great concern.

Love is neurotic.

Is love worth the pain? For some people, it is not. For others, the reward is immense -- but only if you can make sure your relationship with this person doesn't end up being a nightmare for your emotional health.

Love and self-identity

The final scene of the episode surprised me in a good way. It's a brief departure from the comedy, and reveals a more heartfelt side of the show.

Kaguya's servant asks her an insightful question. It is substantially more insightful than I would expect from any romcom: "If you fell in love some day, would you wait for that person to confess their love, like now? Or would you confess your love?" I found myself immediately curious to hear Kaguya's answer, since I knew it would be highly informative about her character.

"If that time comes, I would consider the risk of someone stealing him first and come to the one rational conclusion." Even in the realm of love, Kaguya seems precise and calculating. It's as if she hesitates to give a straight answer, but then she confirms: "Of course I would go."

Figure 1.1.11: "Please understand."

It is not embarrassment or rejection that Kaguya fears; it is the absolute destruction of her identity and sense of self. Kaguya is the daughter of a family that practically runs the country. In her mind, everyone yearns for her and wishes to serve her. Turning that around and reaching out to another person to express her own desire would be a direct contradiction of that. It is probably a similar situation for Shirogane, where the infallible self-image he has built up is being put at risk during his romantic duels against Kaguya.

Kaguya clearly feels trapped. She and Shirogane see each other as threats to be conquered, but in reality, they both share a mutual enemy that is much more imposing and insidious: their own simultaneous disgust at the idea of vulnerability.

Their freedom is dominated by their insecurities, and so, even despite their impressive stature, they are still very human. Their upbringing that has lead them to become so accomplished may be more of a curse than a blessing, due to the resulting pride and self-image they likely feel pressured to uphold.

It is hard to cast aside a lie that you have bought into for your whole life.

If our two protagonists wish to have a chance of establishing a healthy romantic relationship, they have a lot of their own demons to overcome first. If they cannot set aside their pride and reach mutual understanding, they have no hope.

Until then, they will both remain trapped in a hell of their own design, however tragically comedic it may be.

My hopes for this story's future

I can tell that the mangaka, unlike far too many writers all over the world, actually seems to have a solid understanding of romance and the conflict that arises within. I've watched too many anime that place huge focus on the "will they or won't they" crap which never runs any deeper than one or both of the characters being too embarrassed to just say what they're thinking, without any sort of convincing mental blocker. In that case, it's clearly just manufactured drama which is designed to pad out the story and waste your time rather than pose interesting questions and themes. In the case of Kaguya and Shirogane, the two of them have substantial communication issues which are depicted in a comedic yet mature way, which I have found engaging.

I very much hope that the show will more deeply explore the themes and questions surrounding the ideas of vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and superiority within relationships. Kaguya and Shirogane have been set up to be great vehicles for such exploration, and I hope the mangaka can capitalize on that, especially if our protagonists can confront these issues directly.

My impression is that the ending will make or break this story. If the mangaka can pull it off well, I can already believe the payoff will be hugely satisfying.

Of course, in order to get to that point, we'll have to see a certain something. It has to do with the most sacred word amongst romcom enthusiasts: "progress". Indeed, after spending chapters upon chapters watching two characters bumble around amidst the same exact status quo, those little signs of advancements in a relationship are highly rewarding.

Underneath all of their aggression, if we can see Kaguya and Shirogane slowly open up to each other and realize the benefits of vulnerability, I think we could witness something really beautiful and really emotionally cathartic.

I've still only seen one episode, but I believe the mangaka has laid a fantastic groundwork for a series and can do a great job developing upon what I've seen so far. On that note, I will surpass our prideful protagonists by opening my heart to this story and entrusting it with my vulnerability, believing it can deliver satisfying development and resolution. You can do it!

Closing thoughts

I did not expect to write so much about a single episode of an ANIME of all things, but here we are. If only I could conjure this kind of power back when I actually needed it in high school English class!

The first episode alone is already so rich with characterization and themes that I managed to find quite a lot to talk about. Given how much I found myself relating to the characters and some of their situations, it's clear to me how this show became so popular. Not only are the animation, direction, and writing excellent, but also many people can probably relate to love feeling like a battlefield.

I do not want to believe in the idea of winners and losers in relationships. That idea creeps into my head whenever I'm having trouble keeping the interest of a new date, and I find myself wondering where those thoughts even come from. Lately, I have been reflecting on the way I relate to other people. Perhaps I've started experiencing this show at a time in my life when I most needed it, and that's why I felt driven to write such a large analysis.

This show poses some very interesting questions about romance that I do not actually know the answer to at the time of writing. I do not know yet how much the show is actually going to explore these themes. Regardless, I appreciate how this show is helping me reflect, and I am curious to see if and how the mangaka will answer some of the questions brought about by the story's themes.

This is a show that I'll most likely have to pace myself with. There was so much to process in this first episode alone. If I went any faster, I'm not sure if I'd even catch all of the details and character moments. I'm excited to move onto the second episode soon.

A highly subjective footnote about my cultured tastes

I'm glad that Kaguya is a sadistic dom with a gentle and vulnerable side, solely on the basis of that being my favorite personality type in a love interest. It also helps that it makes Kaguya's fantasies that much funnier with Shirogane acting so out of character. I feel like this show was made for me.

What was I writing about again? Oh yeah, writing a gigantic wall of text about an anime romcom. Somehow, I spent an entire day on this essay. Hopefully someone got a kick out of it.

[msilwrites]

(A 3AM Short Story) - (SHORT 1/2) - The Dark Knight

A/N: Hi guys, I have a lot of drafts I've been editing inside the draft folder of my Tumblr page. Sorry that I have not published them, I'm aware I make a lot of grammar mistakes, therefore, just I want them to be written properly, for it to have a strong narrative voice and can be easily understood.

Nonetheless, here is one of them...

Let me add, I'm actually busy updating my other stories, so do standby for that!

Cast -

'Q' is an Original Character

'K' / Kieran Sorensen - Mads Mikkelsen

WARNING: SEXUAL TENSIONS.... you need cold water!

The Dark Knight

Even before Q was known as 'Q', she was first a trainee under 'K' or Kieran, her commanding officer. However, she didn't expect to work beside him after finishing her training and working for the MI6. Neither did she expect that he was preparing her to take over once he steps down. That he wanted her to succeed him.

It all started when she entered the training programme. He had interviewed her for the first time, whilst holding on to the piece of paper which contained information about her background.

A woman who spent her primary education in Dragon School, and a secondary education at top international school in Shanghai, before graduating tertiary in Cambridge. With these, she could've been considered a 'strong candidate'.

"Privileged..." was his reply, upon reading everything. He clearly wasn't impressed. "You're probably very intelligent, but do you have grit?"

She gulped nervously and was thankful enough that she didn't write anything about her grandfather being an admiral or her father being an officer.

She remembered what he had told her clearly the first time, which is why it was a surprise to her that he considered her as a 'successor'.

Her job was something classified, she was not a field agent, but her duty was akin to that of a chess player, a tactician, a strategist and her chess pieces, were the agents under her command. And the playground was the operations she led and handled. And after a long time, she became good at it.

Throughout the years, she slowly got the hang of it, and finally earned the respect of her colleagues and superiors, specially Keiron, who had eventually become fond of her.

Everything was fine until she received a piece of devastating news.

Q's mother had committed suicide and her sister had a breakdown. At first, she couldn’t believe it. She knew her mother would never do such a thing! Didn’t she just remarry a good man who also happens to be wealthy? and had told her that she is in love with her new husband? That didn’t sound like the jovial mother she had often talked to over the phone. But as the details and truth began to resurface, everything became clearer...

As Q dug deeper for the truth, receiving the suicide note, her mother’s diary, the Private Investigator’s report and her sister’s story, one thing became clear; the cause of her family’s ruin was her mother’s new husband; Vincenzo Rosello.

Much to the family’s dismay, the truth was something painful to learn. Q broke down and cried. She considered dropping everything, just to get to her sister.

Her sister Helene, according to the report given to her by the investigator, was locked up in a private mental institution/ rehab in Mallorca and was given medication that had kept her mind blank every day.

Her grandfather and father were willing to do anything to get Helene rescued. But Q knew that if both her grandfather and father made a move, it will cause a diplomatic problem for the country. It was enough pretext for them that they should not intervene or try anything. Besides, the fact that the information was classified and Vincenzo Rosello was no ordinary man, makes it no easy task for her grandfather and father who holds high positions in the government, compared to her, a 'small fly'. So Q talked her family out of it and took it upon herself to rescue her sister, whatever it took.

At first, Q leaks the story to BBC News and CNN through an agent contact in Madrid, believing that public sympathy and pressure would force the country to intervene. However, Kieron Sorensen had done something, causing the networks to retract the news as a hoax.

Q was angry of course, upon learning of what happened. But she couldn't show it, and couldn't let anyone know that it was her who had leaked the information.

She didn't know what was coming for her until Kieron summoned her to his office.

"Ah, Q, please take a seat," Kieron offers, as she closes the door behind her. She had a feeling he might try to pry something out of her, but whatever it was, she decided that she will not admit to anything.

"What did you call me for?"

"Straightforward as always! Well, do you remember the painting at the museum that we saw?" he starts.

She scratches her head and thought how random the question was. "Which painting?"

"In front of the painting where I first handed you your badge," he said.

She suddenly remembered the event years ago, when he had welcomed her officially to the agency, by giving her a gun and badge inside a box, at a gallery, right in front of a painting. It looked more like a transaction between two people instead of a 'welcome' due to its secret, unnoticeable nature.

"Yes... what about it?"

"What was the painting again?" he asked.

"A knight and a lady," was her answer.

"A yes! 'A knight and his lady'! remember what I told you that time?"

"That there is no knight in shining armour to the rescue, that you are your own knight..." she casually mentions.

"And?" asking her to continue.

"That we should not aspire to be white knight, but a 'dark knights'" she rolls her eyes, thinking that this was a waste of time. "If there is anything else, I would like to go. I have a lot more paperwork to do,"

Kieron smiled " I am glad you remember, what is this then?" he pushes a paper towards her, containing the report that was leaked to the networks.

" I do not know what is this about?" she feigns ignorance.

His handsome face twists into a cynical smile. "Oh Q, isn't that your sister in the news?"

"Yes, I can see that, but we have been estranged ever since our parents divorced..." she lied. In fact, she almost communicated with them every day.

"I see..." Kieron folds his hands and takes a long hard look at her, which made her uncomfortable, but she was not going to give anything away. "I just want to remind you not to play the 'Dark Knight' in this situation. I'm not saying it was you who did this but consider the position your family would be in."

"Is that a threat, Director?" she clenched her teeth.

"No, it's a warning..." was his response, followed by a handsome smile, that she had so wanted to punch.

"Duly noted..." was her resigned response.

"I'm glad you understand, we have to always choose and preserve the greater good..."

"Greater good? so you want me to abandon my sister?" her voice was strained, as anger began to rise within her.

"I never said that... What I'm saying is, incidents like this can be considered as something against the agency and the government "

"I am aware of that and don't need you to remind me..." was her curt reply.

"I will not tolerate insubordination, and I will not back you up or rescue you if you continue this," he adds.

"I did not break any rules..." was her firm response, bent on not admitting anything.

" If that is so, you are to take a two-week compassionate leave,"

"I don't need it, I have a lot of work to do," she says, brushing it off.

"It's not a request, it's an order..." was his stern reply. "You're not into step into the office within those two weeks,"

"You can't do that?! I have a lot of work to do, and people who depend on me," she insists. She knew the moment she leaves the office, she will be unable to access some resources needed to rescue her sister.

"That's all taken care of," he said nonchalantly.

She felt her plans fall apart. It was obvious why Kieron was doing this. And that is to prevent her from taking any action, and this made her extremely frustrated.

" You have 2 days to finish whatever you can. After that, surrender your access card and gun before you go..." he adds, which finally broke the camel's back.

In a fit of anger, Q bolts out of her seat and attacks Kieran, pulling his arm forward, and punches his face the moment she had close the distance, which caught him off guard.

But a seasoned combatant like Kieron had recovered quickly and caught her body, swung her into his back and slammed her hard on the table.

Q, flinched in pain, but was not one to give up, countered his attack by trying to lock his arm, forcing him into submission. However, he was able to free himself from it and back throws her, causing her to land on the nearby couch with a loud thud.

But before she could even recover, Kieron had already gone on top of her and held both her wrist above her head, pinning her down the couch in a compromising position.

He leans close to her face and whispers to her ears, "You do that again, I will not be as merciful..."

She felt goosebumps on her neck with what he did. It was no mistake, she was turned on. It was also not a big help that Kieron is a handsome man. She did not want to look at him in the eye, or the feelings that she had withheld inside her, for him, all these years, might just spill...

He drags her back up and buttons the top part of her shirt, which she had not noticed was open. Some of the buttons were gone due to the physical altercation that had happened between them earlier. Her face felt warm as she looked away, as the gesture felt sensual and intimate. A significant other is supposed to do these things, not your boss! And certainly not after a fight!

He stilled her and gently tilted her chin to meet up his gaze. For a moment she was lost in his citrine eyes.

"Don't cause trouble, I would hate to lose you..." he whispered, and it felt more of a warning. "Go..." he turns around and walks back to his table, waving her off.

"Damn him..." she muttered under her breath as she went back to her small office. She had only two days to do her work, in addition to getting whatever resources she needs to rescue her sister. If Kieron thought this setback will discourage her, then he is wrong.

**********

After two days of work, the moment she had reached home, she had finally decided to go off-grid. She knew the moment she had left the agency, Kieron would've probably put her under watch list.

Pushing a heavy bookshelf on the side, the self glided easily despite its weight, revealing a small secret room with a vault inside her apartment. On one part of the shelf, was two fake passports and identity cards she had procured over the years, on one part was a thick clipping of the currency 'Euros'. She takes them and throws packs into her bag, before coming back for the vault, and taking another handphone.

She leaves her handphone on the bedside table and didn't plan on taking it with her to Spain. Kieron surely would use it to track her and she couldn't risk anyone knowing her plans and ruin them.

But before leaving, she messages her father;

'Perseus is coming for Andromeda'

**********

Mallorca, Spain

Q was not surprised that it was raining hard the moment she arrived at Mallorca. It was after one of their coldest seasons.

She wasted no time and immediately embraced her new identity, Geórgia Santos, a woman from Terrassa who will work as the cleaner at the psychiatric hospital where her sister, Helene is confined.

She eventually took on her role well, and immediately gained the respect of the medical staff within a few days of working as a cleaner. She even gained information who are some of the patients, through gossip with the nurses.

By the end of the week, she learned that the forbidden room she wasn't allowed to enter was the same room Helene is solely confined in. Not only because it was guarded. Moreover, thrice a week, a man comes to visit the room and stays there for almost a whole day, and he would ask the staff about his 'prisoner' in the room.

Upon learning the whole truth, she had sneaked in one night into her sister's room and found her in a state any family member would not like to see. Her informer was right, Helene was kept mentally blank every day. She had eventually bribed the nurse and the doctor assigned in Helene's room for information and their silence. According to the nurse she had bribed for information, the ‘stepfather’ would often visit Helene and stay at her quarters for a ‘very long time'.

Flabbergasted, Q calls out the nurse for not doing anything. But the nurse reasons that the ‘stepfather’ is a powerful man and they themselves were afraid to go against him. When she made it known that she wanted to take Helene from the institution and bring her back to England, the nurse and the doctor, though feeling guilty, advised her not to, as Vicenzo Rosello will not allow it. It will put the whole staff in jeopardy.

When she promised a way out, and a way to cripple Vicenzo, so that he would not misdirect his anger. Both of them immediately agreed and cooperated.

"Saint George, has seen the dragon" she sends another cryptic message to her father. What it actually meant is that she had seen Vicenzo.

The messaging window indicated 'typing' for a long time. She knew her father was holding back the anger, he was surely thinking of giving an order to kill. But no, he seems to have thought it through.

"Saint George should not slay the dragon," was his response followed by "Yet...".

Q chuckled upon receiving the message. Oh, the many ways they plan to hurt Vicenzo. After all, killing him immediately is an easy way out. They should torment him every chance they get, after what happened to her mother and Helene.

Unbeknownst to the agency, within her two last days before her compassionate leave. She had forged a directive signed by the agency's head to begin "Operation Persues" a rescue mission that is spearheaded by the SAS that she had developed within a short amount of time as 'Plan B" for her own attempt to rescue her sister.

On the night of the extraction, the moment the power was cut, Q hurriedly rushed to the floor where her sister was confined. The guards were out so she was able to easily enter her room.

When she entered Helene's room, she found her sleeping soundly in the dark, much to her relief. She checks her watch to see how much time she has. She could carry her sister to the nearby coastline herself where a boat is supposedly waiting for them, or wait for the soldiers she assigned to guide them there.

Her plan was to get Helene to Madrid and have her transported via car (as she was not mentally stable) to the south of France where their grandfather was waiting for them.

She felt her hands grow cold, as the clock ticks. The guards will be back any time now, and she has no gun to neutralize them if it comes into an altercation.

Suddenly, there was a sharp sound of a suppressor, followed by a loud thud on the floor. There was a knock on the door before it opened to reveal an imposing figure standing in the door frame, dressed in black night ops camouflage, with a large rifle. A normal person would probably be scared if they see him. After all, he looked like the stuff of 'nightmares' specially with his face covered, and his eyes were night-vision lenses that made him look like a multi-eyed monster.

"She's not stable," she whispers to the man. " I'm afraid of her waking up, and causing a commotion. "

The man nodded in understanding, before signalling another soldier outside of the room to come in.

The other soldier takes out a syringe containing a sedative to calm Helene down, in case she wakes up. In any other situation, Q would be fine, doing it to the target. She had carried out a lot of operation that needed this course of action. But now that they're doing it to her sister, she felt a little conflicted.

Another soldier enters the room and carries Helene out carefully. The first soldier, who first entered the room pulls out a gun from one of his armour's holsters and hands it to her.

"Thank you," she says softly, glad that he was considerate enough to give her a weapon to defend herself.

In a few minutes time, the power will come back, they needed to get to the nearby coastline by foot, as the sound of the car can attract attention this late at night, at a quiet place like this.

The smell of the incoming rain was obvious to her, the moment they stepped out of the hospital, they needed to get to the boat before the rain falls. There were 5 soldiers, and the boat can only carry 5 people, which meant two should stay ashore, and leave in another way.

"I will see you at Bordeaux, give her to the Admiral as instructed..." she says, referring to her grandfather, as she instructs the soldiers and they respond with a nod. She trusted them enough to carry their duty. Moreover, it wasn't the first time working with the SAS.

She watched as the boat left the shore, and turned away once she can no longer see them in the distance.

Turning her attention back to the soldier who stayed behind with her, she realized that it was the same person who first entered the room earlier and passed her a gun. Though she could not see his face like the rest of them, it was his aura that separates him from his team. He seemed like a very seasoned soldier and she wouldn't be surprised if he was, as her guest and observations were often right.

"Thank you for staying behind, I do not know if you have a plan B, but I'll take care of us here, from now on. And we'll be back in London before you know it!" she tries to convince him, but he did not respond and just stared at her. She sighed in resignation and asks him to follow her, as the rain began to fall.

Not far from the hospital was a small cabin she had rented as her temporary quarters.

"Come in..." She opens the door and holds it open for him.

The moment they entered the house, he was met with countless papers, photographs, stuck on a corkboard, and a few, small spy tech, including a laptop. The rest, was just a small kitchen, a small fireplace, bathroom, a queen-size bed, and a small couch, nothing more, nothing less. The small house looked like an operational briefing room, instead of living quarters.

"I'm sorry about the mess, I'll burn them once we leave, go make yourself at home. You must be tired so you can take my bed and I won't mind it, I'll sleep on the couch" she uttered mindlessly, as she started packing some of the equipment for more space. "Besides, I need to forge a few papers here and there to get us out of here, I'll buy you new clothes tomorrow too," she adds, turning towards him, still without a response.

"So, uhh... I don't plan on seeing you in the raw, so... just cover yourself up with a blanket" she sighed, though she meant well, not wanting him to stay in his damp clothes, she felt sorry for the guy. He probably thinks she's a weird pervert now for saying that carelessly. "Sorry, I came unprepared for this part. I didn't know it will rain..." she reasons.

The man finally sits down on the couch and makes himself comfortable, and began slowly dismantling his rifle.

She heaved another sigh, before remembering the gun he has handed her earlier on. "Ah yes, I almost forgot, here's your gun, I-" she paused for a moment and disarmed it, removing the silencer and the bullets and then she felt a certain texture on one side of the gun and saw an engraved quote;

'This is a tool, I am the weapon'

There was no mistake, this was her gun that the agency confiscated before she left for her 2 weeks leave. How did a special ops soldier end up having it?

She looked at him confused. "H-How did you?"

The man's answer was silence and then he took off his night visions goggles and his mask, only to reveal Kieran, underneath the camo.

"Shit..." she muttered under her breath, as alarms started ringing inside her head. This operation was unsanctioned, to begin with, and the only way she was able to carry it was by using her and her father's money, forging signatures for approval and unprofessionally using the companies resources to carry out the rest, which she knew she had distorted the evidence so that they will not find out.

"How... how did you-?" she was lost for words.

"You made a small blunder... that's how I found out..." he says sternly, as he slowly approached her, his expression was cold. She knew what was coming. He was going to kill her in cold blood. It didn't matter if she was his prodigy and that they've been colleagues for a decade, or that he was fond of her. Kieran was first and always a cold-blooded assassin/operative, even before he became the division head. She heard the stories, and she witnessed how cold and cruel he could be. Nor does he take betrayal well. And this unsanctioned operation is considered betrayal in the agency's eyes, and his. And what happens when one commits 'insubordination? if lucky they can get away with getting court-martialed if not, they are 'neutralized'.

Unfortunately, she will be getting the latter.

But she didn't want to die. She wanted to reunite with her family, to finally be there for Helene, after years apart. To finally mourn her mother properly. She didn't want her family to have another person to mourn for. She wants to live, and she will fight to live.

Wasting no time, she throws the gun at his face, as she didn't have enough time to re-assemble everything.

"Fuck..." Kieran cursed under his breath when the heavy metal hits his chests and was followed by the silencer before she made a run for it outside.

*****

The backwoods was dark, and she almost tumbled down, running. Especially now that it rained heavily, the place was slippery. This setback was certainly something she didn't expect. She needed to gather her thoughts and think of a plan C. She did remember that she had kept backup 'necessities' in a locker at the port. She just needed to get there safely and get Kieron off her trail.

However, before she could make her next move. A pair of strong arms wrap around her waist, swung her to his shoulders, and then throws her back down into the ground.

"That's for earlier..." Kieran mentions as he circled around her.

"This is not fair, I thought you were a gentleman!" she says, in spite of the situation.

"I am... I haven't injured you yet, haven't I?" was his playful remark. "Get up!"

She struggled to get up and glared at him. " You think this is a game?"

"And you thought I wasn't serious when I warned you? Remember, every action has a consequence and this is yours..."

She finally gets up and rushes forward to attack him. He immediately blocks her fist, but she kicks his knees, breaking his stance.

He quickly recovers and prepares for an attack, but she had jumped at him, wrapping her legs around his waist, and using the force of her momentum to throw him back down to the ground. She quickly grabs his back leg and twists it.

Quickly wrapping her legs around his, she cranks it the wrong way, pulling it forward, hyperextending it, in an attempt to dislocate and cripple him.

He screams in pain, as she put him into a kneebar submission. However, he quickly counters her move by kicking the back of her knee with his free leg and freeing his other leg out in the process.

Unable to continue the kneebar, Kieron immediately grapples with her once he was free. But she was too quick and got away quickly.

"Not bad..." he laughs.

She tried to catch her breath and glared back at him. She rather escapes than prolong this fight. Fighting against a veteran like Kieron is futile. However, before she could make a run for it, he moves forwards and quickly strikes her in the gut, causing her to lose air and then consciousness.

**********

It was 4 am according to her clock when she gained consciousness once again and found herself with her arms tied up to the bedpost.

The only thing that serves light in the room was the small fireplace, and Kieron was in front of it smoking a cigarette, with nothing but a blanket on, wrapped around his waist.

If this was any other situation, this was a wet dream come true. She had always been curious about the body underneath those sharp custom made, Saville-Row suits and smart apparel he wore to work. He was like those silver fox models that were displayed in GQ and not once did she see him undone and raw like this. Heck, he looked good even when doing violent interrogations.

His body was muscularly lean and well-toned, with scars here and there. In short words, he's damn hot.

She sighs and takes in the sight before her. It was probably the last thing she would see and remember him for before he ends her life.

"Like what you see?" he teased.

"Put a shirt on... you're ugly..." was her rude response.

He laughs out loud and stares at her.

"Just kill me..." she pleads. She was not willing to go through torture and interrogation, and she knew that was coming next.

He gets up and seats down on the side of the bed. "But I'm not done with you yet...." he whispers.

" We can be done in a minute, I will tell you everything. I admit to it. I forged all your signatures for approval, used the agencies resources to gather information and used my own savings to fund this operation. That is all... now... do what you have to do..." she says in resignation. "And do it quick, I don't want it to be painful" she adds.

He takes out a knife and she closes her eyes shut, preparing for what's next. However, to her surprise, Kieran cuts of the rope binding her arms instead, before walking away and sitting back down in front of the fireplace.

"Kieron..." she calls his name whilst rubbing the lacerations on her wrist.

"You're a fool, you know?... I've advised you many times to not do this..."

"The agency will..." she began but he quickly cut her off.

"They're not aware, I've cleaned it up for you..." was his simple response.

"Why-why? you said...-"

"I'm not that heartless that you and others make me out to be..." he says nonchalantly, waving it off. "You're not trained as a covert agent... do you know how worried I was when I found out?"

"Who are you to care? we're nothing but colleagues and your nothing but the heartless department director who wants results! I am well aware that I am just your pawn!" She shook her head. Kieron Sorenson was too cold to even care. " Please save me the pretence..."

He glares back at her and gets back up to approach her. Closing in the distance like a predatory animal and she was his prey.

"Kieron... I-" before she could say anything, he crushed his mouth against hers and much to his surprise, she did not protest or struggle and welcomed it wholeheartedly. Returning the kiss with equal intensity.

He tried in vain to slow down and pull away for them to catch their breath. Only to find her looking back at him with longing eyes.

"Since when?" she asked. Of course, she was confused by this sudden 'confession'. She may admit that she does have a secret crush on the cold-blooded director. But not once did she expect that he had affection for her too.

"The museum..." he whispers huskily, referring to the time he had welcomed her to the agency. She looked so beautiful that day, her head held high, upon proving how wrong he was about her, as she sat beside him in front of the painting. " I wanted to kiss that witty mouth of yours... but that's just unprofessional..."

"You're being unprofessional now..." she remarks.

"I don't give a damn..." he says and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear.

A/N: I think I might have made some grammatical errors. So I'd do soft editing. I'll write Part 2 (SMUT!!!) next after this.

[palimpsessed]

So @captain-aralias​ did one of these and invited other writers to do the same. And I wasn't really going to because it feels a bit late now and also I've done quite a few other year in review posts for 2020. But then I got to thinking that it would be really nice to have one of these for each year to look back on and compare, which convinced me. So, here we go!

If you’re a writer, I’d also encourage you to steal this. Tag me on your post so I can see your thoughts! 🥰

List of Complete Fics for 2020 1. At the Top of a Tower, With You- General, 900 words 2. Use Your Words- Teen, 16k 3. A Man of Letters, or Five Times Baz Retreats and the One Time He Doesn’t- Teen, 54k 4. To the Manor Borne- Teen, 43k

Total: 4 fics, 113k words

Every one of these fics was written for an event, which, realistically, is the only reason they got finished. I have so many ideas I'm working on all at once, and I came into fandom with a focus on making art, so to actually find the motivation to sit down and write/finish/post a fic was entirely deadline based. And it's a technique I'm sure I will also employ in 2021.

Best/Worst Title?

Well, I've mentioned a few times before that I usually have a title before I have much in the way of a fic concept. I don't really dislike any of the my titles, because they all did exactly what I needed them to do, which was help me focus on what I wanted to accomplish in the fic. Comparatively speaking, though, I can answer this.

Best: Use Your Words - succinct, idiomatic, a book quote/motif that also has the potential to be a spell, does what it says on the tin, is probably what all of us are constantly yelling at Baz and Simon to do throughout the books and the fic itself

(Honorable mention to A Man of Letters because that title forms a perfect heart shape when viewed on mobile on AO3. ❤️)

Worst: At the Top of a Tower, With You - this is also a quote and it fits the fic perfectly, but it is a bit of a mouthful and it has a comma in the middle of it, which, while I love commas, feels a bit off-putting in terms of a title - also, it's always kind of bothered me that it's a Baz WS quote used for a CO-era Lucy POV

Best/worst summary?

Again, I don't really dislike any of my summaries.

Best:

To the Manor Borne: The gang decides to spend Christmas together at Pitch Manor. Romance, hijinks, and holiday cheer ensue.

Anything that lets me use the word hijinks is always good! - it's short and sweet - it does a fair job of setting up the premise for the fic and giving highlights, without giving anything away

Worst: A Man of Letters

I'm not going to include this one because it's so long, I had to cut down the version I posted on tumblr to fit in the AO3 field, which is really why I rank it below my others - it effectively sets up the world of Simon and Baz in Regency England prior to where the story starts, but it is prohibitively long - and it's set up, not summary, so it also loses points for not doing what it purports to do - I could have said exactly what this fic was in one sentence: "Simon and Baz meet at several Regency-appropriate venues over the course of a London season and reflect on their acquaintance in letters", but instead I did the full book jacket version because it was more interesting to me.

Best/Worst First Line?

Oh, this is interesting. I can honestly say that I have no idea where this will go. Going to pull up my docs and find out! Okay, since I only have four fics to consider, and I'm feeling split, I'm going to do two for each. I feel good about my words, but I will say that half of my first lines actually provide information, and the other half are incomplete thoughts. Those were stylistic decisions I made, but when taken alone, it does somewhat limit the effectivness of a sentence when it can't stand without the rest of the paragraph. Perhaps that decision will lure readers in for more?

Best:

In the end, we wind up at Pitch Manor. (To the Manor Borne)

I know that you won't be surprised when I tell you that I do not like writing letters. (A Man of Letters)

Kind of interesting that these both contain key words from the titles 🤔

Worst:

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do this. (Use Your Words)

I love how the title seems to be answering Baz's question when the two are put together like this 😂

Strange that it should end here, where it all started. (At the Top of a Tower, With You)

The title also seems to complete the first line in this one, too. I'm learning about my writing as this goes on, so that's cool!

Best/Worst Last Line?

Hmm. Okay, again, no idea. Also, a little leery of including last lines for anyone who hasn't read the fics they're from yet. (Tho I guess it's unlikely those people would be reading this😆) But let's see what we've got.

Use Your Words and A Man of Letters have very similar final lines, and both are somewhat spoilery.

Best: The ending of A Man of Letters felt risky to me, in the way that it is formatted and changes tone from the rest of the story. It was something that happened as I wrote it and I loved it. I had no idea if readers would like it, if they would feel like it worked as an ending, but I felt strongly enough about it to let the entire fic hinge on that and I think it really paid off. So, without giving you the actual last line, which is only one word, I'm going to say that one is my best ending.

Worst:

To the Manor Borne: "Carry on, Simon."

It's not bad, it's just not mine.

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, fewer than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I did not set out to write any fics in 2020. I was supposed to be taking a break from writing. I've been an aspiring novelist for half my life now, and have been going through major ups and downs with my writing. I decided I needed to re-evaluate and figure out if writing was something that was even going to be able to make me happy anymore. The answer is: YES! Just…not original fiction. At the moment. I'm happiest when I can write for the sake of writing and not have to DO something with that writing. Which is why discovering fan fiction was AMAZING!!!! 🥰🥰🥰

To actually answer the question, yes, I wrote more than I thought I would. I also wrote exactly as much as I thought I would, simply because these were all things I signed up for (with the exception of my Countdown fic, but I committed to it as if it were something that required a sign up).

I have a lot more ideas for 2021, but I don't know how many of them will come to fruition. I'm not putting pressure on myself to have to do anything beyond what I sign up for again, because it did work out so well for me starting off.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

I mean, the pairing and the fandom were in no way a surprise. 😆 They're my only ones, so those were both a given. The genre is also not surprising.

What's your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest?

A Man of Letters, without any hesitation. I adore it so much. It's the kind of fic I know I will unabashedly sit down to read over and over, even if I'm the one who wrote it. I had one reader to please and it was ME. By far, my most self-indulgent fic.

Okay, NOW your most popular story?

That depends on the metric.

To the Manor Borne leads in Comments (107), Kudos (153), and Hits (1992), and Use Your Words leads in Bookmarks (26).

But since To the Manor Borne is top in 3 out of 4 metrics, I'll say that one.

Story most upderappreciated by the universe?

I mean, the least popular by a wide margin is At the Top of a Tower, With You, but I don't know if I'd call it underappreciated. It's short, it's angsty, it's got a very unusual style, it's Lucy POV, it's the first fic I wrote and posted. I didn't really go into it with high performance expectations. I'm proud of it, I just didn't expect it to be popular. It would be nice if more people read it, but I'm not broken up over it.

Story that could have been better?

I'm not even going to touch this one. Everything can always be improved upon, but if I go down that route, nothing will ever be done. This is one of the things I have come to appreciate about traditional art versus digital. With traditional, there is only so much you can do before something is permanent and you have to live with it. It's an exercise in letting go and acceptance. Digital is flashier and more flexible, but I could (and have) spend months on a single piece and never feel satisfied, never stop tweaking. I think that's also the reason I started to hate my novels.

Sexiest story?

Based purely on overall vibes, I find the understated tension of the Regency the most appealing, so I'm going to say A Man of Letters. I didn't actually stray into sex territory in any of my fics (though Simon and Baz have had sex by the time To the Manor Borne starts, and refer to it, and probably do it "offscreen"), but A Man of Letters is the one that feels sexiest to me. Lots of thirsting!Baz and feral!Simon and sensual hand touching (how risqué!) - and YEARNING. That, to me, is the sexiest vibe of all. So. Much. Yearning.

Saddest story?

At the Top of a Tower, With You - for this one, I tagged "angst without plot" and I stand by that. It's Lucy losing her connection to Simon at the end of CO and trying to find a way to reconcile herself to leaving him alone again. I gave it as much of a hopeful bent as I could, with the refrain of Baz's spoken "love" to cling to, but it's very sad.

Most fun?

To the Manor Borne - All of my fics have their fair share of angst, but this one also has some good, silly, holiday fluff thrown in. Since I wrote it for the Countdown, each chapter was based on a different prompt, which led to this one going in all sorts of directions no single fic probably ever should. Plus, it has the most Shepard, and Shepard always makes things more fun.

Story with the single sweetest moment?

Oh my god. I don't know. No, never mind. I do. It's To the Manor Borne, but it's split between the two gift giving scenes, the Constellations and Secret Santa/Gift Giving prompts. These were private moments between Simon and Baz, sharing themselves with each other, being vulnerable, and communicating. It's the gifts they give each other, yes, but it's more so the reasons they chose those gifts, and how they show part of themselves and share their love for each other, through those gifts, that had me in tears writing those two scenes. I'm super proud of them.

Hardest story to write?

Use Your Words - it was written for an exchange and that made it really hard to write it knowing there was this pressure of making my gift-ee happy with the fic. I'm proud of it, and they really liked it, but the anxiety was too much for me.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

A Man of Letters - if there is a fic better suited to me as a writer, I haven't met it. I started writing after reading Pride and Prejudice in high school, so I started out writing Regency and I spent years and years and years of my life obsessed. When I transferred into college, an administrator I had never met before heard my name during orientation and said, "Oh, you're the Austen scholar." (It is a small, private college, and I was a transfer, so the pool of students was even smaller. But still. Many years later, I'm clearly not over it.) I also did my senior thesis on an epistolary novel (Frances Burney’s Evelina), and my English Lit emphasis was for that time period. So, I felt like I had been preparing for this fic my entire adult life. 😂

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I don't think so. I tend to let my writing be dictated by the characters, so I'm always following their lead. Sometimes they'll do or say something that surprises me and takes me down a route I didn't necessarily foresee, but I don't think there was ever a point where one of them did something that made me rethink who they are as a character.

Most overdue story?

I will say A Man of Letters, since that one felt like a culmination of my seventeen-year-old self's wildest writing dreams. But I should probably say the Scooby Doo AU I still haven't managed to finish, because that one has been a WIP since I joined the fandom. Oops. (I'm hoping when I look over this in a year, I can feel smug that it's finally done.)

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Writing at all was a risk for me! And writing fan fic for the very first time! Writing an entire fic told only through letters. And then ending it in a completely different style from the rest of the fic. Doing a multi-chaptered fic for the Countdown, using a different prompt for each chapter, and publishing a chapter every single day for thirty days (with the exception of two days that had art). Signing up for fandom events in the first place!

What I learned from taking risks in my writing is the same thing I learned when I took risks in my art this year. I have a much better appreciation for what I've done when I push myself, I feel better about the end product, and I like it longer. I think it's really good for me to challenge myself creatively.

This year's theme and the story that demonstrates it most?

Oh boy. Um. Therapy! Both Use Your Words and To the Manor Borne had their big HEA moments built around sending Simon and Baz to therapy. I don't think that's likely to change for future fics, either. I feel like therapy as the theme for 2020 seems very fitting. (Also, I think I keep sending the boys to therapy because I'm trying to get myself there…)

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

Just to write what I want to write, have fun, not put any pressure on myself, and to take risks in my writing and my art because it will help me to grow.

[hkshirayuki]

MYTHICAL CREATURE 3

Marco x Reader

Genre : Fluff

Art is not mine credits to the rightful owner.

They just greet and welcome y/n. Y/n just thanked them. Marco was the last one to welcome y/n. As soon he walk towards you. He can feel everybody's gaze on his back.

" Welcome to our loud chaotic family, y/n, yoi" Marco said with a smile.

Y/n just blush, as it was her first time to hear him call her name.

"Thank you" y/n replied and Thatch couldn't miss the opportunity to butt in.

"Are you blushing, y/n-chan?!"

Marco just roll his eyes at how much of a gossiper his siblings is, when it comes to love life. Well he can't blame them as he did the same thing to Oden and Toki. Well they did the same thing as he did.

"Oh, I was just surprised" y/n stutter said as she touch her face. It was warm, she is indeed blushing.

Thatch just suggestive wiggle his eyebrows at Marco. The other soon joined him, doing the same gesture.

Marco just glare at them, before smacking there heads and the rumble of the siblings begin. They both share the same blow, others cheer and bet who will win.

Y/n just asked 'what's going on' Whitebeard just chuckled at how immature they can be, but he love seeing them like this.

Timeskip 5 years later

It's been a 5 years, since the day y/n joined the Whitebeard pirates. She always remember the faithful meet she had with Marco. She didn't regret her decision as she found a very supportive family.

When she talked about her dream to meet every each Mythical Creatures she had met. They all support her to it. The adventure to the sea with them was never been boring, it was full of excitement. Y/n was best pals with Marco, as for the others they blame marco for being a bad influence to y/n and y/n could fully heartily laughed at what they say about marco.

Marco and y/n understand each other, through the years they spend, They have notice the similarities of each other. They will always have there own private talk at night together. Marco will always asked how is her day and she will asked the same thing.

The Whole crew know, how sneaky the two are. Y/n mostly tease Marco when there only alone. She will keep asking him about the reason, he stay in her boat as a phoenix. Marco will only frown when she asked as he learn she love to rub salt to his past wound, Marco will only tease her back only to backfired. And both of them are embarrassed and promised to keep it a secret together.

After getting embarrassed the two soon talk about something they find interesting that Marco sometimes joke and y/n laugh. Thatch, Izo and along with jozu, vista and haruta were only spying at marco and y/n. Whitebeard only scold them for spying there brother and there sister. but soon join them.

"Just when will Marco, will tell y/n" Whitebeard asked to his sons.

They only shrugged there shoulder and still watching and listening to whatever marco and y/n talking about.

Whitebeard again asked them again and they only said "Shh" to there Dad who just frown. Whitebeard just thought of leaving when he got cramps making him groan loud. It was loud enough for the two to hear him.

"What the! Are you serious yoi!?" Marco asked angrily as he know that they were spying on them.

Y/n just blushed as she experienced them teasing her to no end. When she was hug by Marco the time she was away for a month. Well she was hug by all of her family member. It's just they tease her and Marco when they are seen together.

Marco just angrily March towards the noise come from. And Thatch, Izo, Jozu, Vista and haruta just hide. While Whitebeard have no choice but to stay there as he have a terrible cramps.

"Oyaji! What are you doing?!" Marco unamused said.

Y/n just follow Marco and surprised to see. There Dad was spying them.

She only give Whitebeard a face of displeasure. Marco just scold him while y/n notice the other tip toeing but y/n shouted said "And where do you think you guys going?"

The five shadow flinch and Marco just name them. "Thatch, Vista, Jozu, Haruta, and Izo come out already" They only did and tried to act dumb.

Thatch just tried spoke with a feminine voice. "Ahahaha, There is no Thatch here, it's me Whitey~"

It was pretty obvious that it was him. Only an idiot will believe that kind of lie. Izo was only embarrassed as he was too curious that's why he tag along with them. Marco was disappointed to see Izo with them.

Marco just scold them, Y/n leave the scolding to marco, when it's them. They only apologize for spying them.

"We promise not to do it"

"Let me and the others do the seppuku as my apology for intruding your two privacy" Izo said while there in there knees and low his head at Marco, y/n.

but when he said that y/n just panic.

"What!? no! Izo!" y/n said. Marco just smack his head.

"Stop it, Idiot!" Marco said to Izo.

The other that is present that time only just shut there mouth as they can see, Izo wasn't kidding about it. They only gulp in terror.

Y/n just scold him for scaring her like that. Marco just sigh as he have a stressful night. Because of his siblings.

Thatch, Vista, Jozu and Haruta just curse there dad in the back cause he was only scolded and he returned to his room. While they were punished to kneel down overnight as an apology. Izo, Of course accepted it. They couldn't leave nor stand up as they were threatened by Izo either they stay or they all Commit Seppuku.

The next morning, The other member just Question why there are sleeping outside and kneeling down.

Marco and y/n were only greeted by the sight of the five. Y/n feel guilty while marco hope they learn there lesson.

One week passed,Thatch just implanted an idea inside y/n head.

He just asked what does y/n think about marco.

"You know, Marco is always kind"

"Well yeah he is, but notice this

y/n-chan, he is extra kind only to you" Thatch point it out. Y/n just thought one of the reasons 'why' Thatch just whisper in her ear in a low voice.

"Marco have a crush on you" Thatch keep on whispering while y/n is focused when she hear him. She couldn't help but blushed.

"Thatch!!!"

Thatch just look at her, like he didn't do anything "What?"

"Stop whispering something like that"

Thatch just laugh at how adorable y/n is but he wasn't sorry. At the same time Marco was doing check up on Whitebeard. When he asked Marco the same thing.

Marco just sigh as he answered "If your asking me, if I like y/n? I do"

Whitebeard were delighted to hear it. So he asked what's preventing him to confess. He tried to say something reasonable. Only he sigh and felt embarrassed.

"I'm trying to, okay! I'm just waiting for a good timing...yoi"

Whitebeard just laughed at the flustered look Marco had.

"Your not a teenager boy, Your already 30, Same as her... Man up"

Marco just frown but his dad have a point. "I know that... Yoi"

"Marco, you should do it sooner, before someone confess first" Whitebeard said.

"shit" Marco said to himself. Well he can't blame them, You were such a natural charmer, they might be blind if you couldn't charm them. But sorry for them cause he decided to make a move.

Tonight as usual, Marco and y/n met for some other reasons. The two had an awkward atmosphere. Well y/n suddenly remembered what Thatch whisper to her ear. Marco just thought of confessing his feelings.

It took a 5 minutes before Marco finally decided to break the awkward silence they both had.

"Were having a lovely night yoi" Marco said and y/n just look at him for a second and look away soon. Though she just agreed to it.

She didn't look at him anymore. She was looking somewhere else.

"What's wrong with you, yoi?" Marco asked with a hint of concerned.

"Oh, umm, nothing just have an odd day" y/n replied still avoiding his gaze.

For some reasons what thatch said to her that time keep on repeating inside her head. Y/n doesn't like to assume. So she shakes her head trying to focus.

"The moon is beautiful isn't it?" y/n said. Marco then sudden smirk.

Looking at y/n admiring the moon.

"Did you just said, I love you to me, yoi" Marco said with a smirk in his face.

"Yeah... I mean, wha?!" y/n replied but soon becomes a stuttering mess after it finally sink to her mind.

"Well I love you too, y/n" Marco bashfully replied. Y/n then look at him. The smirk he wear a while ago just melt and she can see the red tint in his face.

"Really?" Y/n said, but she know that it was sincere but couldn't help to tease him. Marco just frown.

Why do you inherit this habit from the others. But he got an idea to make it fair.

Y/n is still teasing him, She were still asking him even she know it already.

"really? Really?"

Marco just thought a great revenge so he just scoot down and stare her directly in the eye. Inch slowly, y/n wasn't ready for it. But she close her eyes but she only felt Marco lips on her cheek.

He just stick out his tongue when she open her eyes." Sorry, Were you expecting me to kiss you in the lips,

y/n,yoi"

Marco swear he never seen so flustered y/n is. As he hum for victory. Y/n just covered her face with her hand.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dedicated to Owner-san from One piece fam, tumblr.

[mccnglade]

many reasons; dazai osamu

DAZAI OSAMU X READER

In hindsight, you should have realised that running after Dazai was not a good decision on your part...

WORD COUNT: 1.8K words

WARNINGS: mentions of suicide, abuse (not reader's), angst (if you squint), fluffy ending. MILD SPOILERS FOR BUNGO STRAY DOGS SEASON 3

(e/c) - eye color

A/N: sorry if the formatting is a bit wonky!! i'm posting this on mobile because tumblr doesn't work on my stupid, old laptop.

this fic is really super, self-indulgent because dazai is my favorite in bsd and i love when situations like the one in this one shot happen in anime, so i combined the two things and wrote this. this was actually going be a scene in a dazai fic i'm thinking of posting on my wattpad, but i decided to scrap it and write it as a oneshot. i hope you all enjoy reading this!!

Also shoutout to @neonghxst who wanted me to finish this one shot hehe. thanks to her, i got the inspiration to actually write this and finish it.

"Are you sure we should have left him like that?"

You fiddled with the ends of your coat sleeves. Upon hearing about Atsushi's new case and the end result, you immediately wanted to give the boy a hug and never let him go. He had been through so much these past few weeks and hearing about the death of that abusive headmaster of his old orphanage must have been incredibly painful.

But Dazai had promptly pulled you away, after saying exactly what needed to be said. (He always knew what to say in any kind of situation and that made you feel jealous a lot of times)

"Things like that are meant to be dealt with alone. Atsushi-kun will manage," Dazai answered with a cool tone. "You worry too much, (Y/N)-chan."

He tried to ruffle your hair but you slapped his hand away with a huff.

"I have every right to worry, you know," You crossed your arms, angrily staring at the ground. You and Dazai had already left the port area and now were back in the city, walking next to each other. "He and Kyouka just...I just wanna give them both a hug and adopt them as family."

This time, Dazai successfully managed to ruffle your hair."You are very funny, (Y/N)-chan."

"I'm not being funny! I'll actually adopt them, just you wait and see."

"As amusing as that would be, I'm gonna stop you there."

"Why?"

"Well, it's nighttime now. And we are almost near the river. The moon's pretty bright today. Which means one thing and one thing only."

"What, Dazai?"

"It's the perfect time for a double suicide!" 

Dazai suddenly grabbed you by the waist and spun you around. You felt your face grow warmer as he kept his hands on your waist, meanwhile going on about the benefits of a double suicide.

"D-dazai! Let go!" You physically tried to struggle out of his grip, knowing that your Ability was useless in this situation. "Just let go, dumbass!"

"Nope, not gonna." 

Dazai let go of your waist, but then immediately grabbed your hand. But you managed to pull it away. He stuck his tongue out at you. "You are no fun, (Y/N)-chan."

You glared at him. "How many times do I have to tell you no, you bandage squandering idiot?!"

"Ahh!! You sound so much like Kunikida-kun! Why didn't you tell me you were so great at impersonating others?"

"Huh?! What's that supposed to mean?" You went to shove his shoulder but he dodged it,  jumping aside with his annoying (endearing) laugh. You tried to hit him again, but he dodged this time too and started running.

"Oi, Dazai! Come back here, you idiot!"

You ran too, trying to catch up to him so that you could, at least, flick his forehead before slapping him. Why was he so annoying, you always wondered. 

'Isn't this why you like him?' Your heart whispered to you.

'Shut up,' You told it.

You kept on running. Even as you did, the sun had almost set, taking its red and orange hues and replacing it with the dark, navy blue of the night sky. The running brought you to the river bank, a spot where both you and Kunikida had to drag Dazai out of. For some reason, he declared this spot and drowning as his top favorite for a double suicide.

It was incredibly annoying, but at the same time, also incredibly saddening and you wished you knew more about why he was like this.

Finally, you caught up with him. 

In hindsight, you should have realised that running after Dazai was not a good decision on your part. 

Both of you stumbled down the river bank, holding onto each other because there was nothing else to grab onto. The slant river bank ended and they were on flat ground again.

But...but, both of you were in a rather compromising position. 

Usually, you were a pretty confident and self-assured person. But when it came to situations like these (or any romantic situations)…well, you were still pretty inexperienced. So inexperienced actually that you hadn't kissed anyone in a long while, almost two years to be exact. Relationships had always seemed like a waste of time to you, but being in such close proximity of the man you currently yearned for was doing wonders for your heart. (In a good way and a bad away)

Dazai's arms were on your shoulders, pinning you to the ground. He loomed over you, his brown eyes staring right into your (e/c) ones. 

You swore you could detect something there before it was hidden behind his mask again. 

No longer were you able to keep the warmth away from your face. You knew you probably resembled a tomato right now. You wanted to get out of this position quickly, but deep down, your mind and your heart both resisted. And you felt like agreeing with them this time. You wouldn't get a chance like this ever again.

So you decided to speak.

And immediately regret it.

"Your eyes are pretty," The combined forces of your heart and mind make you say something stupidly embarrassing and you immediately want to cover your face. But you can't. So you continue.

Even the darkness of night couldn't keep the redness of your cheeks hidden. 

"I mean, they're not just an ugly brown color. They have this amber-like quality to them. And everytime light hits them, they almost shine and it makes them more beautiful than I ever thought. Like seriously, you have really beautiful eyes. Personally, your eyes are your best feature and they're one of the many reasons I fell for you."

(You wanna crush your own stupid heart for that last bit.)

"Oh?" That was all Dazai said, that stupidly endearing smirk on his face. "Many reasons? What are they again?"

"Um, uh," You hesitated, turning your head to the side. This was more embarrassing than any other situation you had ever been in. There was nowhere else to go and while you could have kicked Dazai away with ease, truth be told you really didn't want to do that. How many chances like this would you ever get? "I don't even know when I started liking you. And maybe it's a stupid thing because nothing is ever going to come out of it, but yeah. I have feelings for you, Dazai Osamu. Truth be told, I can sort of understand why you ask women to commit a double suicide with you. You want someone to be by your side, right? You don't want to be lonely when you die. I guess I can understand that, though I wish I could show you the joy in living. But I don't think I'll ever be able to change your mind."

You laughed nervously, looking anywhere but at Dazai's face, where his smirk had been replaced by a more serious look. "I went on a totally different tangent there, didn't I? You can forget that last bit but to sum up everything, I have feelings for you. I don't expect you to return them anyways so...yeah."

Now, you looked at Dazai. His expression was unreadable. You couldn't understand what emotions were written on his face. You didn't even know what he would do next. Would he reciprocate your feelings? Would he reject them? What would he do? You wanted answers and you weren't getting them.

Then again, it was partly your fault also. You suddenly sprung these feelings on him. You shouldn't expect him to answer quickly. 

(Secretly, you also thought that Dazai wasn't the type of person who'd ever truly  love someone. It was just your stupid luck he was the person you fell for.)

Unexpectedly, Dazai suddenly moved off you, giving you the opportunity to finally sit up and contemplate your next moves.

'Should I just run away?' You thought, thinking about the pain of rejection. You'd deal with it. Somehow. 'It's the coward's way out. But what more can I do?'

"If you're thinking of running away, don't," Dazai suddenly said, meeting your eyes with a stare so intense that you swore he could read every single thought in your mind. 

"That was not what I was thinking," You clearly lied, crossing your arms. 

"You know, I can tell that you're lying, my Belladonna," Dazai put his hand on your cheek, his slender fingers brushing away the stray strands of hair on your face. "You are not a very good liar."

"D — wh-what?" You froze up completely. Because as much as you would like to deny, even an action like this left you wanting more. His hands were inexplicably warm and strangely soft. You couldn't even think about running away now. Dazai put his other hand behind your back, pulling you close to him. Close enough that your noses were almost touching and you could see the little flecks of amber in his pretty brown eyes. 

"D-do you also h-have feelings f-for me?"

What the hell was wrong with your voice? You wanted to ask your question again, but your words died in your throat. 

Instead, your heart chose to speak. You tilted your head slightly, barely brushing your lips against his. Even this small action sent volts of electricity coursing through your body. But then, your courage fizzled out and you tried to move back. 

Key word; tried. 

Dazai put his hand at the back of your head and pulled you closer, finally,  freaking finally, kissing you. 

You wished you could describe what you were feeling, but you really couldn't. Your mind was completely shut down and all you could really think was, that you were floating. And since it was your one of the few kisses you had in your life, you didn't know what to do. So you kept on pressing your mouth against Dazai's, trying to have more; trying to feel more of him. 

It was strange, it felt so strange. But kissing Dazai felt incredibly…amazing. Yeah, amazing. Just him and you and nothing else. You felt like you could touch the stars now and you didn't want it to end. You wanted to keep on doing this forever, or as long as both of you could. 

But then, Dazai suddenly ended the kiss, pulling back with a lazy grin.

You stared at him, breathing heavily. And then, you let your head fall onto his shoulder, grabbing onto to the front of his cream-colored trench coat. 

"Does that answer your question, (Y/N)-chan?" He asked with a sing-song voice, suddenly hugging you. 

"So you do like me?" Your voice was muffled by his coat, but you knew he heard you clearly. 

His lips were pressed onto your neck, moving with his answer. You understood it immediately. Releasing his coat from your hands, you hugged him back.  

You knew this moment wouldn't last very long, but you would revel in it for now. 

It was going to be the only thing on your mind for a very long time.

a/n: i hope this was a fun read! with this quarantine, i've been thinking of attempting to write more character x readers because they are good practice for writing a multi-chapter fic. so you might see more bsd, haikyuu and bnha content on here. I might also post about DC so let's see.

My wattpad

[somepinkthing]

@angstymdzsthoughts because tumblr still won't lemme reblog correctly

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"He was such a tiny baby. Almost a month early and had trouble breathing. He was nearly half a year old before we felt safe letting him breathe the cold, mountain air for more than a few minutes at a time. I hated how my parents all paid him so much mind and I hated how he could break all our hearts in one fell swoop. They had already had one stillborn, I didn't think their hearts could take another dead child. So I swaddled him and prayed for him, and, lo and behold, he lived. He made it past his first year, then his second. And before I knew it, I was a man grown and he was a healthy brat with no breathing troubles to speak of and playing in the snow right where you're kneeling."

Nie Mingjue had never been a man of words. Jin Guangyao hadn't known he had this kind of eloquence in him, especially given the smell of alcohol permeating the room.

It felt like a funeral rite coming from the man seated above him.

Jin Guangyao swallowed nervously and shifted on his knees, not daring to move from his prostrate position on the ground. He had no doubt in his mind that he was no match for his eldest brother, however inebriated the man may be. Escape was futile, begging for mercy was his only hope. Slim hope that it was.

Suddenly, something heavy pressed down on Jin Guangyao's lowered head. Nie Mingjue's boot. Lan Xichen made an aborted move to help before squaring his features and stepping down.

"DaGe, we need him," was all the protest Lan Xichen put up. Guangyao felt his heart and eyes sting at the indifference from the First Jade.

The boot pressed heavier against the back of Guangyao's head, grinding his forehead into the ground hard. He grit his teeth against the pain and bore it in silence, not wanting his pathetic whimpers to set the man off. Nie Mingjue's emotions were already on high alert. Not that he could be blamed, Guangyao supposed. Even with Lan Xichen playing Clarity for two and a half weeks for him non-stop, there was a lot of damage to undo if he did say so himself. And besides that...

Nie Mingjue picked up where he left off.

"He was still so tiny when I became his guardian. He hugged me at the funeral and told me he wasn't gonna let me go too. I told him that I'd be around to watch out for him."

Nie Mingjue stopped short and choked on his breath. The body standing on Guangyao shook and trembled--yet another display of emotion Jin Guangyao hadn't previously believed Nie Mingjue to be capable of.

"He was still so tiny when I buried him..."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Er-Ge step over, presumably to provide comfort and stable qi, to soothe the overflow of grief. It didn't work.

"I am the oldest!" Nie Mingjue roared with a sob, shaking Xichen off, "I am the oldest son, I was-was the older brother! I am larger and stronger and I was meant to use that to protect my sect, my family, my brother! So, Jin Guangyao!"

Guangyao couldn't help the scream of pain when the boot lifted up only to come crashing back down on his head, stomping him into the unforgiving Qinghe dirt.

"Tell me why I am here alone! Tell me why I am the last Nie! Tell me why I am alive and Huaisang is dead!"

With every demand, he stomped down harder and harder until Jin Guangyao was certain his face had made a true imprint in the semi-frozen ground.

"Tell me why I heard my brother wheeze out his dying breath when he stopped having breathing problems when he was five."

Jin Guangyao could only whimper, face too far into the ground to give a proper reply. This was unfair! What did this monster expect him to say?! He already knew all the answers, why torture him? He knew for whom Guangyao had done this, it wasn't like it was all his fault!

"Tell me why I'm here and he's not."

Finally, Nie Mingjue picked his foot up and stepped back. Guangyao couldn't help it--he whipped his head up, forgoing decorum, and took in large gulps of air while cursing Nie Mingjue's brute force out in the safety of his own mind.

Lan Xichen watched as Jin Guangyao became angrier and angrier. Er-Ge watched his twisted face judgementally, as if he knew what he was thinking and it disgusted him.

"You don't think this is your fault," he accused, "You truly believe you're a victim, don't you?"

Jin Guanyao's heart dropped at the tone Lan Xichen took.

"Er-Ge, if you could just hear me out--"

"I cannot. I have heard enough out of you these past few weeks. All we are here to do is ask one question, was your father involved? Did he sanction this?"

Jin Guangyao nodded eagerly. This was what he needed! An opening to explain!

"Yes! It was all my father! I was but a tool! Please, my brothers, you have to believe me!"

Lan Xichen closed his eyes and sighed. Disappointment was painful thing to see marring his features.

"You plan on dying like a lying dog, huh? Not even going to spare some dignity in death?"

Nie Mingjue drew Baxia and began stalking towards his two sworn brothers as he spoke. "We know your moronic father couldn't have come up with this intricate of a plan. We know you've been playing with Qi since the day Xichen taught you that song! We checked the damage to my core and estimated the timeframe!"

Nie Mingjue stopped right in front of Jin Guangyao.

"Tell the truth. Did your father get involved?" His grip on Baxia tightened.

"Y-yes. He knew and-and he encouraged it," Guangyao choked out. If he couldn't lie his way out compeltely then he could at least make sure his father took equal heat. His sworn brothers were righteous men, they'd never be able to justify killing him if there was another who commited the same crime. That would be unfair!

"And has he done other things in the same vein?" Nie Mingjue demanded.

Jin Guangyao bit his lip. His hesitation pissed Nie Mingjue off.

"SPEAK!"

Jin Guangyao jumped in fright.

"Of all of all the times to decide to protect others, it's now?!" Nie Mingjue growled, rolling his eyes, "Do you have any idea how fast and how gleefully your father sold you to me?!"

Jin Guangyao's blood ran cold. "W-what?"

Nie Mingjue scoffed and replied, "You're just Meng Yao again technically. Tomorrow your father said he intends to strip you of your name officially and have you striken from the records."

"He's all yours, the evil lout. Do as you wish, take your vengeance," Nie Mingjue said in a poor imitation of Jin Guangshan, distaste for the man rolling off of him in waves. Meng Yao suddenly felt sick.

"My father sanctioned everything," Meng Yao stated. Little by little the whole story came out. His father's ambitions, his lies, his machinations, his work camps the truth about Wei Wuxian and the siege, and how he had his willing, naive son doing all the heavylifting. Meng Yao carefully skimmed around the parts where he, technically, came up with some of the ideas and crafted those plans. These two... they wouldn't understand his reasons. They wouldn't understand how much his father's spproval meant to someone as lowly as him. He couldn't risk telling them the whole truth. But the sneer on Nie Mingjue's face and the bitter dissappointment on Lan Xichen's whenever his story hit a purposeful hole made him feel that perhaps they could somehow see through him now.

When Meng Yao finished his tale, he looked up just in time to see the other two share a nod. Then, to his shock, Nie Mingjue sheathed his saber and handed him a glass of water.

"Drink it."

Meng Yao did so obediently . He felt his body start tingling with mild numbness immediately. Since when did Nie Mingjue drug people?!

"Xichen insisted, to help you stay alive. I would have just snapped them and let you suffer all the pain of it."

Perhaps it was the drugs but Meng Yao could swear he was missing something important. Before he could try to figure it out, Shuoyue's sheath slip between his lips.

"Bite down," Lan Xichen commanded sounding resolute but... sad?

It wasn't until Nie Mingjue grabbed his lower leg and started twisting experimentally that Meng Yao began to understand.

"We need you to help us get your father," Lan Xichen said, grabbing Meng Yao as he started to struggle, " But we can't trust you. You cannot be allowed to run free after what you've done.... We'll need to take an arm too. You're too dangerous."

"This is for Huaisang, for my baby brother who I'll never see walk again. I hope the medicine hasn't kicked in completely, Meng Yao. I want you to remember this."

"Wait! Please!"

SNAP