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vanishingreyes · 9 months

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A Seal Seeks Help || Marcus & Xóchitl

TIMING: Late June. LOCATION: Xóchitl's office. SUMMARY: Marcus comes to see Xóchitl for therapy. CONTENT WARNINGS: Depression.

Marcus stared blankly at his ceiling, unable to bring himself to do much else. It was another day where his mental state was at a particularly low point. He had been having these days much more frequently as of late. But what could he do? He had isolated himself from everyone who ever loved him, abandoned his accomplished career, and was slowly being driven to total madness. And worst of all, it was one of the people in this world who should have had his back no matter what that brought him to this state.

A gnawing sensation grew in the pit of his stomach and he couldn’t tell if it was due to the pain of remembering or the fact that he hadn’t eaten in 36 hours. Probably the latter, he figured. He managed to drag himself out of bed and take a look at what was in his fridge, which wasn’t much. He hadn’t been to the store in weeks. He decided something had to change. His changes may grow to kill him eventually, but he at least wouldn’t allow himself to be miserable on the way out.

A curious search yielded few viable results, but one looked promising. A clinical psychologist right here in Wicked’s Rest. He wouldn’t have to go far, and they’d be more likely to be sympathetic to concerns that pertain more to the supernatural. Not that he’d jump right in with “I’m actually a seal person and someone here stole my pelt. Also I’m slowly dying without it.” Best not to set off any alarm bells until he could show her he wasn’t actually a crazy person. He took a look at her page and was impressed enough with her credentials to try and book an appointment.

And so, his appointment with Dr. Xóchitl Reyes was booked.

She supposed that she shouldn’t have been surprised when she actually got referrals and her schedule filled up. It was good, it was even necessary if Xóchitl wanted to make a living. She might’ve had a trust fund, but she didn’t want to touch that unless necessary. The fewer questions her moms asked, the better. She didn’t especially relish the fact that she was lying to them, even in the smallest bit, but it would have to do, if she wanted them to believe that she was better.

Her appointment for today was with Marcus Fremont, a lighthouse keeper - his first appointment, he hadn’t been a referral from a past psychologist - which didn’t especially matter one way or the other, but having people who were brand new was something of a thrill for Xóchitl, even if she wouldn’t always fully admit it.

She’d set out the white noise machine outside of her office, before going back in and grabbing a pad of paper - she’d transfer notes over to the computer later on, but Xóchitl figured it was more personal if she wasn’t partially hidden behind a screen. She heard a knock on the door and went over to open it, offering her most reassuring smile. “Marcus, I presume? You can come right in, and sit wherever is most comfortable for you.”

Marcus couldn’t really explain it, but he was feeling very nervous going into his appointment. He hadn’t really opened up to anybody fully in a very long time. It didn’t help that many of the things that were troubling him weren’t exactly “first meeting” discussion topics. He knew he had to be completely vulnerable, but figured it would be best to hold off on any topics related to the supernatural.

Instead, he did acknowledge that he was having many symptoms of depression. If he could find a way to cope mentally, at least clear his mind, he’d be in a better position to reclaim what was rightfully his.

He took a seat down on the couch and looked over at the therapist. She had a kind and welcoming expression that did put him at ease. Maybe he’d be able to make some progress with her after all. After he was seated, she took a seat across from him with a pad of paper. He appreciated the more personal approach, finding it very sterile and impersonal whenever a therapist or doctor just kept their eyes glued to a computer screen while he tried to ask them for help.

“So,” Marcus started, not wanting there to be too much silence in the interaction. He was paying by the hour after all. “Where should we start?”

“I’d just want you to get comfortable here, first.” That was how these things were supposed to start, anyhow. Xóchitl wasn’t going to be able to do a whole lot of good at giving people therapy if they wanted to run screaming from her office. She’d had enough personal experience with therapists, both good and bad, to know that much.

“Anything you want to tell me about why you’re here, if you’ve seen psychologists in the past, or anything like that. Think of it like… a conversation, of sorts.” Xóchitl winced internally at how cliched she felt as though she sounded. Even though she was fairly certain that it was a case of her being overly critical of herself, but still – being over-done on a first session was also not so good.

She wrote the date down on her notepad, before looking back up. “Also, feel free to call me whatever is most comfortable for you - you don’t need to stick with the ‘doctor’ thing if you don’t want, first name is fine, too.”

A conversation certainly sounded more pleasant than a therapy session. Even though Marcus knew that was what he was here for, it was nice to feel comfortable and open to talking about what was going on in his life.

“Well, first of all it’s nice to meet you, Xóchitl, and thank you for making me feel at home a little. I’ve never seen a psychologist or a therapist before, but usually my doctor visits are very ‘down to business’”, he said with a smile. He looked up at her and saw she was at full attention, maintaining eye contact.

“I guess the main reason why I’m here is to help manage symptoms of depression. The usual textbook stuff: difficulty focusing, lack of energy, overall depressed mood, no passion, yada yada yada,” he continued. He wanted to make her aware of what was going on, but still wanted to have a tough and rocky external attitude about it since that was the type of attitude expected of a military man. “It’s really starting to impact my life in a big way. I have important things to do, and I just can’t bring myself to do them at all. I’ve tried meditation and doing things I enjoy to clear my head. Only problem is, even the things that I enjoy are hard to do now. So I was wondering if you had any other advice to help get me out of this hole, so to speak”. It was definitely the most vulnerable he had been with someone since he left the ship. Nobody else in the town really knew what was going on with him, although he was sure his changes hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“It’s nice to meet you too, and oh - of course.” Xóchitl crossed her legs, perhaps in some sort of vague attempt to appear more professional - not that she didn’t think she already was, as-is, but it never hurt to add another layer of professionalism, all while making sure that she didn’t seem too aloof. All of that had to be possible. Even if it wasn’t, she’d make it so.

“I mean, you’re paying for this, and I want it to be your thing. I don’t think it’s very smart of a psychologist to force their beliefs on the people who are coming to see them.” She’d thrown at least one fit when her parents had taken her to a less-than-fabulous one back in Boston. Which Xóchitl figured was a warranted fit, because the woman hadn’t even had any toys in her office, and she was supposed to have worked with children.

“Of course.” Xóchitl’s expression softened as she forced herselfout of her thoughts of the past, and back into the present. She wasn’t going to help anybody if she just kept thinking all about her past and herself. Though she was acutely aware that perhaps sometime between Mackenzie dying and her getting her psych degree she’d stopped entirely hyperfocusing on the people around her (which made the possibility of losing them easier, maybe), she was aware enough to not focus on herself during sessions. After all, the less that people knew about her, the better. “I think talking about it would be the best place to start - to see the foundation of what you know and feel, and we can build up from there.” She let her gaze float off for a moment before she refocused. “Also, this is just the first meeting - we’re not going to figure everything out now, but we can start to work towards you feeling better about yourself. How’s that sound?”

Marcus supposed that made sense. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and no mind was fixed in an hour. Still, he was hoping to get some progress done today. He nodded understandingly at Xochitl and continued.

“Of course, therapy takes time, that’s what everybody always seems to say. I’m just new to this, so not really sure how any of it works.”

That was mostly true. He did have a previous experience with a navy psychologist who was also former military. However, the two of them hadn’t gotten along together very well. Their miracle cure for experiencing trauma and near death was to “take the experience as a new way to appreciate life”. Just drink the experience away and try to muffle the bad times with artificial and shallow good times. Surprisingly, that method didn’t seem to help much. And since then, Marcus had a bit of hesitation when it came to trusting future therapists.

“So, any questions you want to ask me to get started?”

“Well, if you were an expert in how it all worked, I might well be out of a job, so forgive me if I’m at least a bit pleased with the fact that you’re somewhat in the dark about all of this.” Xóchitl raised an eyebrow.

Questions to get started. She knew his name, knew a little bit about his job, but there was always more to find out about that, wasn’t there.

“I’d like to know why you chose your job - if that was something you’d been wanting since childhood, or if you somehow happened upon it… I find that knowing the whys when we can know them can lead us to help figuring out our other whys.” Xóchitl settled back against her chair. “I think a good many things are rooted in our pasts - or at least that’s what some textbooks say - but regardless, I find discussing that helps, and then we can figure out together if struggles are rooted in past, present, or somewhere in between.”

Marcus understood her desire to ask about why he chose his occupation, after all what someone chooses to do for a living can tell you a lot about who they are as a person.

“I chose the Navy because I felt a calling to serve my country. I’ve always loved the water, felt at home in it. So I figured the Navy was the best branch for me to enter into. As for why I chose to man the lighthouse once I got to town, it just seemed like a good fit.” Marcus glanced up to find the woman listening but not offering much of a reaction one way or another. He felt he was good at reading people, so somebody keeping a neutral expression to remain unreadable bothered him a bit. “I knew a lot about ships, relied on the assistance of lighthouses more than once. I’m a strong swimmer in case anybody needed rescuing, too. Plus, the position was available not long after I came to town, seemed like a no-brainer.”

Marcus felt that his childhood was very nice. He had a wealthy, he almost dared to say privileged, upbringing. His parents were very supportive of everything he wanted to do, even if that meant him risking death in foreign waters. They guided him along through his identity as a selkie, and gave him all of the best advice he could have asked for. If only he had taken that advice more seriously.

Instead, Marcus figured his problems are a mix of past and present. His present was messed up because of somebody from his past. Who is now back in his present. Was “the present” just right this minute, or the last few months? Because that’s when everything really started to go downhill.

“I’d say the problem is more rooted in the present, but who knows? Maybe it’s a combination of things”

“I don’t know if I’d call my love for the water something that I feel at home in, but that makes a lot of sense, then, to choose somewhere that you’d always feel sort of close to home, no matter where you were.” She offered him a slight smile, finally, before nodding about the lighthouse choice. “I’m not sure how much I believe in fate, but it seems as though perhaps you were meant to have that position at the lighthouse.” She couldn’t believe in fate too much, because that would’ve meant that her friend was fated to die, or something, and the thought of that was quite nearly unbearable. Xóchitl nodded. “Was it a steep learning curve? The lighthouse, I mean.”

Another nod, another attempt at a comforting smile in his next comment. “If things have only shifted more recently, then that’d make sense. Are you still enjoying your job at the lighthouse, or does it leave something to be desired, does it feel like you aren’t appreciated…” Xóchitl held up her hand, “I’m not being reductive when I ask that, just so you know, I am just trying to explore as many avenues and options as are possible.”

Marcus listened carefully to the woman in front of him, taking in what she had to say. Was it fate that he ended up working at a lighthouse? He remembered his youth, remembered the lighthouse by his old home used to be his favorite place to go. He even befriended the keeper of that lighthouse as well, who only showed him kindness. It could very well be that when he came to Wicked’s Rest he was pulled towards it in some way, but he wasn’t sure if he would call it fate. He didn’t really believe in that sort of thing.

“Not exactly. A lot of it is automated now so it’s mostly maintenance related duties. Thanks to my time in the military working on ships, I’m already pretty mechanically minded. Learning my duties came pretty naturally.”

He thought about his job at the lighthouse a bit more carefully. He was sure the ships and their captains were very thankful to him, but those people often weren’t the town’s residents. He had made a few friends in town, and had some very strange interactions with others. He was a bit irked that people kept greeting him with annoyance whenever he tried to stop somebody from littering on the beach. He considered keeping the beaches and their waters clean as part of his duties, and took it very seriously. Other than that, however, he really didn’t have any major complaints about his job.

“I think my job is great, I’m fine where I’m at. I guess it’s more that I’ve had a recent touch of heartbreak. There was this man that I knew, thought he was the love of my life. Turns out, major sociopath. And I don’t mean that in a casual sense, I mean you might be able to give him an actual diagnosis. So I’ve been struggling with that betrayal and the sense of cynicism it’s given me. I don’t know, the world just seems a lot more…gray now, if that makes sense?”

“Shows what I know,” she laughed, doing some sort of vague attempt to be somewhat self-deprecating, even if only barely. A little bit of something was better than nothing at all. “Well, sounds like you found a good place. Goodness knows I’m not the most mechanically minded. I think I can change a tire, if, like, pressured, but otherwise, not a strong suit.” Xóchitl offered him another hopefully reassuring smile.

“Oh. Yes, that does make a good deal of sense.” She pondered her words carefully. “Big events, if they’re romantic-linked or anything else, can easily have an effect on the way that we see the world. Sometimes in a positive way, and other times, not so much.” Xóchitl nodded. “Before, with him, things seemed more clear? Both personally and in your view of the world?”

Marcus gave a warm smile in return to his therapist remarking her lack of mechanical expertise. It wasn’t easy to understand a machine, and it definitely wasn’t easy to understand a piece of machinery as large as a massive ship or lighthouse. They did have their own engineers in the Navy, but emergencies happened and sometimes the rest of the crew needed to step up and understand how to do some of the more basic tasks needed. He was thankful that he could now learn how to fix anything and understand how it worked pretty quickly, unless it had anything to do with computers.

“I think it’s a bit more pervasive than that. Things were more clear, sure. But it was like I was living in a completely different reality. One where I was loved, where I was the most important thing in somebody’s life. Only to find out I was nothing more than a means to an end for him. Now, I guess you could say I’m lost.”

He was a bit surprised, he hadn’t meant to unload quite that much. But once he started talking he just sort of kept going. It was nice to be able to get it all out, but he was a bit embarrassed about being vulnerable with this woman he had only just met.

Marcus cleared his throat, and sat forward a bit. “Honestly, it’s mostly that as the issue. But it’s also just in general not feeling like myself anymore.”

She couldn’t help but wince at the comment about being a ‘means to an end.’ And to that, Xóchitl also offered him a compassionate, genuine smile. Nothing too big – and also nothing that was too patronizing – or at least so she hoped. She knew that therapy, as a whole, was something that could easily come off as patronizing and so she always made as much of an effort as was possible to not have that happen.

“Well, after that, I think I’d be more surprised if you weren’t lost.” She raised an eyebrow. “Though of all the ways to end up lost, realizing that you were someone’s means to an end is never ever a good way for that to happen.”

This didn’t seem like it would be a short partnership of therapy, that much she could already tell – and Xóchitl wasn’t opposed to that at all. It would have been a pretty terrible method of being a therapist if she only wanted short-term clients.

“Well, I can’t promise a cure because that’d be false advertising and I don’t believe in curing people, but I can promise that we’ll work through this, and that I have no intentions of leaving you hanging. Does that work for you as a deal? There’s nothing I need or want you to promise to me other than to try.”

The sympathy that the therapist was showing Marcus was very much appreciated, as she was the first person he had told everything to. The reassurance that he was the victim and hadn’t done anything wrong to deserve it was also welcome. As for not promising a cure, Marcus hadn’t expected that. The cure wouldn’t come until the problem itself went away, and he knew that would likely be some time still.

“I can absolutely try. Until I get better I won’t give anything other than my absolute best. This is something that’s very important to me.”

For the first time in a while, it felt as though Marcus had somebody in his corner. Sure he was paying her to be there, but felt genuine. After all, she must have gotten into this field because she wants to help people, so some degree of it must be her honest desire to help him out. Regardless, he needed an ally to sort through everything that had happened, and he was pleased to have finally found one.

#wickedswriting #c marcus #chatzy #writing #a seal seeks help #depression tw #// ty to tyler for writing this with me <3 love u and love marcus both sm

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