#Rambling brought to you by trauma and therapy.

[nebbynebbu]

Been thinking lately of how Vore is the ultimate act of intimacy for me. I'm aware some people think the same, just wanted to share my own thoughts. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy the sillier aspects of vore! Nor I think it's less intimate or that someone is wrong by having a different perspective. I adore the playful bickering, shenanigans and different concepts that my friends share and that I see here on Tumblr. These are my feelings and experience.

Holding someone close before consuming them whole because you can't explain (fully or at all) that desire, hunger. The pred's body screams, wanting that warm weight inside, the craving grows, and so, the stomach eats itself as it's demands aren't fulfilled. It's hurting, but once the pred feels the prey's scent and touch… it's all gone, they are bestowed with bliss, even if they can't swallow, just… holding. The stomach growls in protest, but it's rather calm now, it understands the prey can't always be around, still, even if the feeling of "I want to keep them safe, I will keep them safe" lingers around, both know things will be alright. Prey also shares of that hunger, albeit different, but they do. Nonverbal scenarios tend to hit me a bit too hard. Gestures, body language, the understanding of one's emotions without the need of words. How much trust, care, love is in there that leads to a hunger for company that is never satisfied, even when they are close, when one is being held or inside. There is always a lil' extra thing, tight hugs, running their fingers through the one's hair, seeking the other's hand just as they get inside, just a bit more, how the pred unconsciously rests one hand on top of their belly, giving it a few taps and rubs, going through their day, carrying that comforting weight around, refusing to let go.

Letting myself be eaten is how much I love someone. I want to be a warm weight that they can focus on for a bit, I want to hold them in my own way, I want to take care of them, it's unfortunate that I can't become their world. And it's not about solving a problem or stopping an unpleasant feeling, it's embracing it with them. It's no guarantee that it will help and will make them feel better, but... they won't be alone. I'll listen to everyone, some are deserving of my hugs, but there is just one who may have my existence.

[nerves-nebula]

Remembered Mikey dissociates and imagines up all sorts of fantastical stories and adventures in his head, not grounded in reality at all. And I was thinking about how I also did that as a kid, thus none of my art or stories related to my deeply suppressed trauma at all. Except I actually just now realized it definitely did, just in more subtle and hard to see ways. It was stuff like scenes accidentally paralleling all the running away from home plans I made, and deity and angel type characters being exactly what I wanted my parents to be (guiding and safe etc.)

Anyway, are there any sorts of weird consistent themes like that going on in ur Mikey’s daydreams?

dissociation as a term evades me at times. like, I actively and intentionally ignored my surroundings a lot as a kid, especially when things got bad. i'd just spend time thinking of my fantasy worlds and tweaking situations between characters and stuff. i could be snapped out of it, but it's also a reason that I can't remember a lot of my childhood lol. but like, is that dissociation? at the time i thought of it more as just "ignoring stuff" if i didn't want to listen to my siblings fighting or i was bored or tired or annoyed, i'd force myself to think about other stuff. and that other stuff was daydreams cuz its not like i had shit going on as a kid. it was a distraction and one i did on purpose.

though there was a thing called "shut down" which I would do to myself when i was under extreme stress and pressure, which was kind of a further step, and more akin to real dissociation. but also somewhat akin to autistic shutdown so idk. these things overlap.

uhh anyway i think what mikey does is more like the "ignoring stuff" thing. you could probably call it maladaptive daydreaming. that's probably what it was.

I mentioned in one of my earlier Neglected posts that he writes his stories down and has like, a long ongoing epic about him fighting what is obviously a stand in for his dad. I think at the time i said he did that on purpose but I think I'mma change that, because it'd be more likely he does it on accident. I also brought up a character he made called "pizza horse" who learns to love herself despite people calling her an abomination for being half pizza half horse.

i think a lot of Mikey's stuff has to do with people being appreciated for things that make them weird, or learning to love themselves or something. first of all cuz that's an easy and popular thing to write about but secondly because splinter thinks he sucks and is weird and stupid and Mikey. doesn't like that! he doesn't like that his dad thinks he's weird and stupid!! it hurts :D sad thing is that even if you decide to say Fuck The Man!! it won't mean u no longer care that your dad hates you :3

anyway sorry i keep rambling the answer is YEA. there are reappearing themes of like, evil guardians, or maybe princes who were stolen by evil people or thrown out into the rain as babies to die- who eventually reclaim all the praise and power they were supposed to have. Kids getting often killing or otherwise "defeating" the people who abused/bullied/hurt them. typical abused kid power fantasy stuff.

I think there's probably a few edgy oc's in there too, like, shadow the hedgehog type edgy. like black and red with glowing eyes and half angel half demon and they end up killing the evil king who keeps them in the dungeon and beats them daily. and there's blood everywhere.

ok i started rambling again about something else under the cut uhhhh sorry its not relevant to ur ask at all asdfsadf

i like the idea of Mikey snapping at Leo, Donnie, and Raph later on cuz he was the first one to realize splinter sucks and they just kind of didn't listen to him for years haha. I like to think about them sitting in like a gay ass therapy circle or something talking about their feelings and mikey thinking.... "isn't this what I wanted? they all agree with me now. We don't live with splinter anymore. It's great. they're even talking about their feelings and trauma... why am i like. kind of angry."

it's something along the lines of him getting annoyed that they all wanted sympathy and companionship and brotherhood now that they realized Splinter is awful but when MIKEY was the only one saying Splinter Sucks nobody listened. Because they believed splinter when he told them Mikey was stupid. Because as poorly as splinter treated them, at least they were all worth something to him in some way.

Like, they all believed Splinter was an Ok Dad because they had stake in believing that. They didn't want to think their dad was awful, of course, but they also had stake in their identities as the favorite (leo), as someone who was making a meaningful contribution (raph), or as helpful towards someone/something good (donnie) and if Splinter turned out to not be worth all that effort- then that'd mean they all suffered for NOTHING.

but Mikey didn't get that. The identity splinter gave him was Useless, Stupid, Annoying one who wasn't as good as his brothers at anything important. And in Mikeys mind (though the reality is more complex), his siblings didn't care enough about him for the way splinter treated him to be seen as an indictment of splinters character. saying "splinter is a bad dad cuz he says i'm stupid" gets met with "but you are stupid tho." and "splinter is a bad dad because he starves me" gets met with "omg mikey you're not special we're all hungry stop whining"

and now they all want to whine about how bad things were??? AND THE WORST PART OF IT is that a lot of the time Mikey doesn't feel like he as a right to complain- i mean they were all doing way worse than him, right? they're sharing all these horrible stories! Donnie was in mental health hell and constantly getting groomed by ppl, Leo was getting sexually abused constantly and had all these secret rules and expectations, and raph had a hand in both mental health hell and sexual abuse AND he had a ton of responsibility when it came to their houses upkeep. Mikey got ignored and belittled but, like!! so what!! that's nothing compared to them.

but it still hurts :D growing up knowing you were in no uncertain terms that your dad thinks you're untalented and wishes he didn't have to deal with you.

Donnie got to be the weird but ultimately useful prodigy, Raph got to be the strongest, Leo got to be the leader, and Mikey got to be a joke.

[eddiegettingshot]

okay. mourning s1-s4 tim minear anon here. just finished my season 3 rewatch and ohhhhh boy oh boy. honestly I could write so much about that finale alone because s6 and s7 have made me forget what a good finale can be (athough I will say that the s3 finale has me thinking a wholeeee bunch of insane things about the s7 finale like buddie things and how the writing choices are were insane (complementary) that I will not elaborate on here because Im already rambling too much about how good s3 is). but genuinely all the character arcs were SO GOOD this season its insane. athena (hate the copaganda here but the general emotional journey with athena and athena/may): establishing what being a cop means to her -> showing that not even the murder of her fiance could sway her from policing and finally arresting the man that did it -> experiencing something traumatic first hand that makes her question her ability to do the job again. and then may: hating what her mom does, going as far as to write her college essay about it, then insisting on taking the pictures with her mom for prom despite her injuries from policing/not being ashamed of her. and also appreciating it to the point of also wanting to help people but as an acab truther pursuing a different way of doing it (911 operator. also imagine they made may a cop thank god that didnt happen lmao). michaels feeling of loneliness and isolation leading up to his diagnosis, then ending the season by meeting his endgame and knowing he gets to live. buck starting the season being insecure about losing his place with the 118 and being the person left behind again and ending the season confronting the last person who left him + feeling secure in his relationships with the 118. bobby's refusal to let buck do anything at the beginning of the season due to his injury + general recklessness vs doing buck's suggested rescue to save both victims. both the henren IVF/fostering arc AND the hen arc were great and thank god because the henren of it all was seriously lacking before this season. but hitting the girl with the ambulance -> reconnecting with her first rescue -> introducing her issues with Drs and their ability to listen and help patients to their full ability -> pursuing med school SO GOOD. and remember when madney used to get character arcs UGHH soooo good. developing chim + his mom/albert/his dad more. having maddie actually confront what happened with doug via therapy (btw maddie stalker plot good example of how to do an insane storyline well!!). this leading into the love confession and also the conclusion/start to the pregnancy arc they set up in !!! episode 1 !!! them not just dropping the josh arc completely after the heist trauma he suffered and seeing it through to a satisfying conclusion. and like I do have one nitpick in hindsight like the eddie arc was so good up until he got caught in the fighting ring and he cried about the divorce and then it was just never brought up again in favour of doing the mini chris stories in 3x10/3x12/3x15. like you literally had a chance to address and conclude eddie's mourning shannon arc in eddie begins or the episodes surrounding that and just didnt LMAO idk maybe they had plans and it got scrapped for the buck/red/abby arc because connie agreed to come back because really it was the only thing that did not feel concluded relative to literally every other character arc this season. anyways where is this tim. TIM WAKE UP!!! come back and give your characters arcs!!! one thing that is super obvious from rewatching the early seasons is there is still SO MUCH interesting stuff to explore with these characters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am begging please give eddie a story with a satisfactory conclusion please give maddie and chim stories please stop torturing hen and karen via fostering/adoption please conclude a buck plot in satisfactory fashion please have bobby and athena explore his past properly please make ravi a main

ohhhh my god THIS MADE ME MOURN S3 TOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 what the fuck COME BACK TIM 😭😭😭😭😭 i want him BACK 😭😭😭😭😭

[sciderman]

I also tried to find that Peter neurodivergent post recently and yup, vanished. But anyway, I just read your post and tags responding to that other person's ask saying they can't find it. I really really don't think you sound stupid (not that I'm a professional either).

That post hit deep for me because as someone very new to getting therapy, it reminded me of my first session (in which I said, do I have audhd or what?). My therapist told me first thing "there's a lot of overlap between these traits you're listing and trauma". I kinda sat back like 🧍she said what's more important is making sure I'm functioning, coping... That not everything needs a label unless I really want one. I went home and asked my housemate (who's currently doing their psychology masters) and she said, "yeah, both often get misdiagnosed for the other".

That kinda changed my whole perspective on everything and so reading your post brought me back to that. Hoo, emotional and stuff,,

Enough rambling though, my points are:

• Thank you for saying that, it meant a lot (I'm kinda crying haha)

• You're right about it all to my knowledge!

• I hope everything's okay with you and you're happy with what stuff will mean for you ❤️ good luck and all that!

(sorry for the essay)

bless you anon!! i'm really proud of you for taking the steps into therapy, and i really hope that it's a helpful experience in getting to understand yourself better! wishing you so, so much luck on your journey, anon!

i definitely think labels aren't for everyone - and sometimes, sometimes they can be a stifling thing. it's a fantastic thing when you need to simplify something to explain to someone else - especially fantastic when you need someone else to make considerations for you. i find i only really use labels when i need someone else to understand something about me in a simple sort of a way. so i say "bisexual" when i need to explain myself quickly, but it's a shorthand, and there's probably a much more complicated label that might fit me better - pan, maybe, but who has time or courage to explain pan to a 50-something-white-guy - certainly not i, so - for ease of understanding, i'll put myself in that box.

i think labels are fantastic when they make your life simpler - but sometimes they can do the adverse when you realise they don't fit as well as you'd thought. when you need a label to fit, and you feel that pressure to fit into it when - actually, actually, you are more complicated than that. then - then, you might realise, the label isn't for you, and you can either hunt down another or - be easy with the fact that you're a unique beast, and not everything will fit all the time. there's overlap, and every brain case is so so unerringly unique to the person.

it's like lgbt+ labels, lord knows, the kids are inventing a new one every week because there's no way to encompass everyone's unique approach to attraction. we can say "this is me, and you might feel similar" and that helps - but truly, no human is 1:1. no experience is 1:1. one of you watched cats (2019) and it irreparably altered your viewpoint on the world once you saw fuzzy idris elba dance on the screen. one of you (mercifully) didn't, and didn't sustain that trauma. you're different.

i hope any explanations you get help you move forwards, anon! but i hope you're also comfortable in the knowledge that there ain't no thing like you, 'cept you! (and i love you)

[kafus]

sometimes i think about how part of the reason i put off seeking out a DID therapist for so long is bc my alters are very fictional introject heavy (almost don’t have any that aren’t) and at least at the time there was a prevailing online notion that if you had a lot of alters that were introjects, especially if any of them came from “recent sources”, you were Definitely Faking. i just assumed i had to have something else going on and i avoided medical care for a long time.

i’ve seen that sentiment a lot less lately and i can’t tell if that’s because it’s actually gone down in prevalence or if it’s because i just do not hang out around DID oriented spaces much anymore, but it’s weird looking back on it literally over 4 years into DID therapy and diagnosis. to think i was ever worried about something like that and was so swept up in the social part of being a pwDID online. i don’t blame myself but that just really sucked. especially because it just does not hold weight, obviously i exist and i am diagnosed and my therapist herself has noted that her younger DID patients skew on having more “fictives” than her older ones and she acknowledges this as a real phenomenon instead of like… The Rise Of Faking or something. and we’ve had in depth talks about my situation and why i in particular am like this bc yknow. it’s relevant to myself and my recovery

i think a lot about last year when i was struggling a lot with a couple of pokemon alters who could not speak english but obviously were holding onto some trauma that needed to be attended to since they were causing issues in daily life, and i brought up my inability to communicate with them properly to my therapist, and she suggested that if any of the pokemon trainer alters are able to communicate with them, maybe use them as a translator of sorts? and i was just dumbfounded because not only is my therapist like, Not a pokemon fan and everything she knows about it is through me so i was impressed she thought of this, there was also a time i assumed both thru my trauma w the medical system and the system culture online that this was a conversation i would never possibly have in a medical setting. my introjection was silly, not something to be taken seriously, “faking”. but here was my therapist recommending this completely seriously to me and guess what: it worked! her suggestion fucking worked and solved a problem tormenting me for like a week

i’m kinda just rambling at this point but the notion that introject heavy systems aren’t real is a whole lot of bullshit and the fact that i put off getting mental health care for so long is also bullshit. there’s a whole lot of individuality per system that is not going to be thoroughly documented in the literature. kids are being raised in a different, fiction heavy environment these days, and if there’s an upwards trend of introject heavy systems i would not be surprised, and i think maybe that should be studied sometime. i really wish that the gatekeeping of uneducated randoms on the internet did not keep me from medical help for so long bc therapy changed my life

[granulesofsand]

🗝️🏷️ fake disorder cringe RAMCOA vent

I clearly don’t have enough people blocked with where our stuff turns up (fake disorder cringe). I’m in love with the idea that I’m delusional. I am, technically, but I’ve never been able to pull that blanket over our trauma history. That I’ve simply misattributed the scars and internal damage, trying to spice up a boring childhood I don’t remember. And that’s all that’s wrong with me; psychotic, the kind of mad where only I get hurt. I like that idea, almost better than a world where we don’t remember at all. Explains why we’re like this without the weight.

I can’t find the post, but we did try to save the people we left behind. A constant inconvenience, but the only real effort made it twice as bad later. I’ve always been a fan of loosing the saw and freeing the rope into the highway ditch by the rest stop. I’ve tried to trade my life, but they wouldn’t take it.

I struggle to explain away the daily memories; the worst of it might be delusions, maybe memories of hallucinations, but other people acknowledged the evidence. Unless I made that up, too.

No one understands the internal rationalizing I try to get away with, because to you I might as well be weaving stories from imagination. I don’t want them to be dead, I don’t want to think of the people who lived, I don’t want to think about the state of our justice system that we told and nobody believed us. They never checked, to my knowledge. Certainly not before asking whether we were on meds.

This is also not the post for this, I’m just rambling my emotions so my housemates don’t see my cackling at the wall later, but like us, RAMCOA is half-documented. Most RA cases aren’t brought in with the ideological imagery found at the scene, most torture is only uncovered after a rare investigation or a found body. Mind control is hardly an uncertain phenomenon, but it doesn’t go by that name in public. Group behavior, brainwashing. You might have to see the results in person to see what it does to us, and I’m not inviting an audience to me.

I do laugh at this subreddit. It’s an angry near hysteria that gives me energy to be more educational. I don’t want to be, but I exist and some folks are deeply confused by this. Whatever. Telling the internet my story gets me prepared to go into details in therapy. And it’s fucking entertaining.

[dxmiyoung]

hello! (pt 2)

hiii everyone it's carly, @jaeyongdx's mun, back at it again for another intro! this time i have ms miyoung, your local empath and very poised and put together cat lady. i'll once again ramble and offer some plot ideas below the cut! i will just plot with anyone for both muses no matter who likes which intro but feel free to like this if you'd like to plot anyway <3 just in case i can reel some of u in with one muse and not the other hehe. fair warning that suicide is a part of miyoung's bg, though nothing graphic is mentioned anywhere, and i'll always tag and use content warnings accordingly! i don't imagine i'll write about it in too much detail, but you never know, and i always prefer to be safe. here is miyoung's about page, and her playlist as a bonus 💗

ABOUT MIYOUNG

she's the baby of her family and they were very kind and normal

her older sister and brother were also both empaths

her oldest sister passed away during childbirth when miyoung was only 7, but at least she got her nephew @dxseoyun out of it

her empathy manifested that same year. it was a lot

her brother always had trouble managing his ability. it was incredibly strong and he was bombarded with everyone's emotions all the time, even across longer distances. medication didn't help enough

( SUICIDE TW ) he took his own life when miyoung was 16. her emotion negation manifested this year, and she used it to Survive

her mother passed by suicide as well, a day before her brother's funeral (/END TW)

this caused miyoung to dedicate herself to studying psychology. she wanted to honor her family and also try to prevent other families from experiencing the tragedies she did

she got several years to heal and find happiness alongside her father, thankfully

he was eventually diagnosed with a fatal kidney disease, though. he was hospitalized within the year and ended up passing away too

she developed her death sense ability about a week before he died. she thought it was anxiety at first but it just Hit Different. and she would feel it for others in the hospital, too, not just her dad

at least it brought her some peace when she lost him

she threw herself into her studies after that - and got a cat, jia, to accompany her

she worked for a while at an assisted living home, and taking calls for a youth mental health hotline while she was in school

she graduated with a masters in clinical social work, and eventually became a licensed therapist wooo 🥳

when she switched to therapy full time she missed working with young people

so she got the certification she needed, and became a counselor for high schoolers in the public school system

she works monday-wednesday at school, and thursday-saturday as a general therapist now

she is a bit of a workaholic. she loves helping others process their emotions but isn't nearly as good at processing her own. she just feels like it isn't that important

PLOT IDEAS

exes, maybe? miyoung has historically only been with men, and they'd have to be around her age (33 currently). i imagine work got in the way if it was recent, or she had too much Other Shit to deal with to fully invest herself in a relationship. there's a lot to work with!

patients. people who need therapy! here she is!

especially interested in getting people from the labs tbh. in my head miyoung has noticed a pattern of memory loss inconsistent with typical trauma-related memory loss and she's honestly very scared of it and i think that would be fun to explore!

if your muse has anyone in their family who goes to hs as well maybe their baby sibling has her as a counselor and gasses her up to them all the time

if u have someone on the younger side, miyoung was answering the youth hotline ~4 years ago and earlier, so if we have any former mentally ill teens! maybe they could've hit her up and meet her in person somewhere and they recognize her voice or smth

i think she goes on walks with jia (her cat). she has one of those cat backpacks for her. so we can definitely plot around that!

she is a coffee shop girlie, so that's always an option too

plots related to her powers outside of work somehow

i'm ngl i'm getting sleepy so let us brainstorm here too 🙏 thank uuu

[zinovi768]

Quick sketch with some Z lore!!

Lore drop under the cut cuz I wanted to ramble <3

At the time of the Band Together movie Z works up at Mount Rageous behind the scenes at “the bop on top” and see’s Floyd when he is inevitably taken by V&V. They do find out where he was being kept and try’s to help a couple times but after almost getting caught Floyd asks them to stop trying so Z just visits him a lot to make sure he’s ok-

After the events of Band together though, Floyd decides to stick with Z for a while when they go home to vibe city for a month or two while the whole V&V case goes down. Floyd’s brothers do come around a lot but it's mostly just Z and Floyd half the time. (my gods they where roommates :0/ref)

The affects of having his talent taken were quite severe and left quite a bit of damage on Floyds leg and loss of pigment in his hair and tail, but through some physical therapy and the use of mobility aids (crutches/wheelchair but he uses canes on better days) he is able to get around on his own.

Z is there to help at all times though with the moving around and the nightmares cuz trauma <3

(bonus: if you notice Z has some pigment loss as well in their hair and tail that might be brought up later if y'all want more of my bs rambling (:< )

Ok that's all love you bye!

[asliceoftoast]

part 3 of playing pretend alsoooo i am currently scrounging through my tumblr to see what i've posted and publishing those fics on ao3 so i don't end up double posting. so if you see me spamming ao3... i apologize in advance (´ ∀ ` *)

__

Catherine looked out into the crowd, a donor rambling about something to her left. She noticed the trauma surgeon dancing with one of the many men who were eyeing her tonight, but she didn’t see her son. Scanning the room, she searched for her child on the dance floor. Then, by the food. When she didn’t see him, she turned her attention towards the darkened bar. There she saw Jackson nursing his drink, eyes trained back out to the center of the room, to April.

She tried to hide her smirk behind her glass. She had really outdone herself. 

The two landed in Boston earlier this morning, after spending the night in Ohio. They would have flown out immediately after April’s reunion if the Kepner matriarch hadn’t spotted Jackson waiting for her daughter outside as she grabbed her luggage. Karen had brought the plastic surgeon into her home, sweet as ever, and killed him with a little midwestern hospitality.

Catherine had met the two on the tarmac, waiting for them in her limo. They had stumbled off the plane weary from the hectic events of the day prior, not knowing what they were about to walk into.

April smiled warmly at Catherine despite the anxious energy radiating off of her in waves. She took in the moment and absorbed her mentor and icon’s presence as Jackson kissed his mother’s cheek and mumbled something about always being trapped in her antics. By the time Jackson asked her why she wanted the two in Boston, the driver pulled up in front of the Avery estate. Jackson stepped out of the car, expecting the two women to follow, but the car sped off leaving him alone in the dust. Her phone vibrated, surely Jackson complaining over text, but Catherine trusted that her assistant could handle him.

With her phone on silent and the man in question out of the car, Catherine dragged his best friend off on a bit of retail therapy. There was no way she would let the trauma surgeon attend an Avery Foundation Gala without the proper attire. It didn’t hurt that when she pried and asked all the intrusive questions Jackson griped about, April tried her best to answer, and even when she couldn’t, Catherine could read the young doctor like an open book. The questions were just for fun. All it took was just one look for Catherine to confirm what she knew this whole time. From the way April looked at her son, she knew he had a chance.

Now, illuminated under the floor lights, the normally shy surgeon glowed brightly. Her hair flowed down to her back in loose, fiery waves. The delicate diamonds in her jewelry caught the lights and flickered back to the audience. The black dress Catherine had chosen fit April perfectly and showed a little skin. It was sleeveless and tight, something she knew would drive her son crazy.

Slowly, she approached Jackson at the bar, effortlessly ending the conversation with the man droning on about budgets as she walked. He didn’t notice her presence, too busy mentally strangling the promising surgeon who had the pleasure of dancing with April.

“Are you going to do something about that?” she asked into the lip of her champagne flute. Jackson stopped staring daggers into the man for a second to look at his mother. Realization flitted across his face.

“Wha-”

“I always know, Jackson. I’m your mother.” Jackson huffed beside her, peeved his mother was inserting herself in his love life again.

“I can’t. She’s…” he hesitated, “April.”

Catherine rolled her eyes. When has Jackson Avery not chased after a woman he liked? The two returned to watching the dance floor and back out at the redhead dancing in another man’s arms. April smiled at the blond, leaning in to say something and blushing as his hands dropped to the small of her back. Jackson clenched his fist, resisting the urge to pry the surgeon’s hands off his best friend and off the place where he had his hand last night.

“If you don’t do anything, Jackson, you’re more of an idiot than I raised you to be.” His brows pinched, a frown etched into his face as his mother patted his cheek. Catherine sauntered off, a donor quickly joining her side as the two discussed one of the foundation’s many projects.

Jackson tightened his grip around his cup, fingertips turning white with the pressure. Taking a deep breath in, he chugged the remaining amber liquid and made his way to the dance floor. 

He avoided the other couples dancing to the song the live band was playing, sidestepping every couple of seconds. He heard her giggle, her tiny frame hidden away behind the blond’s broad shoulders. 

Jackson cleared his throat, shaking off the jealousy that started surging its way through his veins. She caught sight of him first, feet stopping as she met his gaze.

“Jackson,” April sighed breathlessly.

It was now or never. 

“Can I steal my girlfriend away for a second?” Jackson sent a poisonous smile to the other surgeon. The man April was dancing with quietly apologized to Jackson as he stepped back. Confusion flittered across the trauma surgeon’s face, hazel eyes meeting his blue ones. 

Her hands slowly dropped to her sides, stepping closer to her best friend under the bright lights that illuminated the dance floor. Her voice dropped to a whisper, words exchanged for just the two to hear. “This isn’t my reunion, Jackson. You don’t have to pretend to be my boyfriend.” 

“I know that.” He brought his hand to her wrist, thumb brushing against the thin metal bracelet encircling her wrist. Sliding his hand into hers, he raised it and placed the other on her waist. April resumed her position, placing her hand gently on his shoulder as she followed his lead.

April stood back, gasping as Jackson pulled her closer. Bodies pressed together, she tilted her gaze away from him, scared that the rosy blush of her skin would betray her.

He dropped his lips to the exposed crook of her neck, taking her breath away. Jackson took a deep breath in, the faint perfume she sprayed on earlier filling his lungs. Swallowing, he gathered the courage to ask. 

“And what if it wasn’t pretend?”

[deleteddewewted]

Simon "Ghost" Riley (Serious) Ramble Thought?

W: SA, Therapy, Isolation

One of the things I find so important to understanding Simon's personality is that he was raped as part of his torture. To me, this presents itself as one of the many reasons he's physically isolated. The mask isn't just to cover up what was done to him physically but also what he mentally wants to hide. Many victims of sexual assault make it a habit to end up either overly sexualizing themselves due to their abuse. They see themselves as sexual objects whose only value is their body so I can't help but think that he uses his masks and balaclava as a way to make himself more "proper" and "undesirable".

Like, even after he goes back to civilian life he still has mandatory therapy sessions where he emphasizes his horrific desires to hurt others and to brutalize others, specifically women since his primary rapist was a woman (tho he was raped by his other male captures). His attitude is that of anger, mainly cause he was mandated to go to therapy if he wanted to go back to active duty. His job brought him purpose and since he didn't have his job to help him numb himself he had to confront his traumas. He couldn't pretend that nothing had happened and he wasn't forced to move on from them. He had to accept that he was brutalized in many different ways and that if he wanted to get better he had to do self-reflection. If he wanted to get better he had to take medication but if he took the meds he wouldn't be able to go back to active duty. He saw himself doing better and overcoming his trauma.

Simon was actively trying his best to get better but the circumstance of his situation didn't allow for it. He lost his only support system which was his mother, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew in one night and he just needed to be someone else after that. Simon Riley had to die for the sake of everyone's safety but also for his own. Simon Riley was a victim and a person who suffered immensely for a job that wasn't fully grateful for his sacrifices. Ghost on the other hand was a feared soldier, a man who doesn't have any attachments to the civilian world and a duty to his job. Ghost can be alone, he didn't need anyone by his side but he still values his colleagues because of their similar devotion to serving.

Anyways, thats all i wanted to say. Simon is a deeply hurt and disturbed man. If you don't know what I'm talking about just search up "Call Of Duty: Ghost Comics" and you should be able to read them online.

[runawaymun]

Hey, I'm really sorry if this ask comes across as hostile, but due to recent experiences with another Tolkien fan, I do feel like I need to ask. In the tags of a recent post you reblogged, you mentioned being Christian. I know that there are many Christians who are kind, loving people who embrace the queer community, including trans people. But unfortunately, I also know there are a lot of Christians who don't. I would prefer to not follow someone who thinks I and people like me are evil simply because of who we are, or who try to pull that 'love the sinner hate the sin' crap. I am not saying that you are one of those people, but I have unfortunately encountered enough of those types of Christians (even in fandom spaces) that when someone says they are Christian, it makes me nervous. I understand my own religious trauma is my issue and I need to work through it, but I would still like to know how you feel about the queer community, as I greatly enjoy your fic and art and would like to continue enjoying your fic and art. Obviously you don't have to answer this ask and regardless of your answer you shouldn't be attacked. Sorry for rambling and I hope have a good day.

Hi there!

No I really appreciate the ask and I get it. I am glad you’re taking initiative to keep yourself safe and curate your online experience. I have a huge boatload of religious trauma myself from my upbringing so when I say I completely understand, please know that I really do.

I’m openly GNC bisexual myself & a trans & nb ally and a member of the queer community who writes a lot of ragingly gay fanfic and l am also a member of the Christian faith. I grew up raised extremely evangelical and am not anymore. I just read the Book, do my own religious practice, believe in God, and try to be active in the little Lutheran church I sometimes attend because Church community is important to me and I’m fortunate to have finally found a church community that is both a safe place for me as an openly queer person & also has sound doctrine and theology. It was a long road to finding one because I’m not willing to compromise on either of those lol.

I spent a long, long time decompressing from my upbringing and unpacking my religious trauma (therapy!!), and came to the conclusion from studying the book & long prayer & discussion with other queer Christians that God Is Not Small. The Church’s historical and current hatred toward queerness is a manufactured product of Man, not God. I’ve spent years studying all of the classic “bludgeoning passages” that are brought up to go “see!!!!!!! See the Bible says it’s a sin!!!!!!!” And found through linguistic study and intersectional doctrine that, actually, no those passages have nothing to do with people in consensual, healthy, committed queer relationships. The Bible has nothing to say about trans people or enby people either. It has a lot to say about how we are all unique and diverse and made imago dei, that we are loved — and that is the truest thing about us. Again: God is not small. God does not have a gender. The Bible even makes references to God having a womb in some poetry and prophecy chapters (metaphorically, but the point being that God is not “male”). Jesus never married. Paul was arguably ace. Jesus healed a gay centurion’s boyfriend and told him “go in peace”.

Sorry, I’m rambling too!!! TLDR: I am a proud member of the queer community and I am Christian and I don’t believe those things are antithetical. I’ve experienced a lot of pain at the hands of Christians, but never from the hands of God — only love and comfort. And I am fortunate and extremely grateful to finally have friends and a church community who strive for Christlike behavior and agree with me that God Is Not Small, and that God’s love is infinite and diverse. We’re made imago dei— so why should we be any different? 🫶

Hope this helps clarify and again I appreciate the ask. I really wish you well on your healing journey with your religious trauma and whatever that looks like for you. I hope you have peace 💕 and if you ever want a friend who Gets It I’m happy to chat and I’m here 💕

[requiemofrebellion]

happy valentine's day to anyone who celebrates. i meant to be here for the day but i don't know, mood been kinda really down lately. i will be sending late valentine's day stuff though, so be on a look out for those within this week and maybe partly next week if i don't get on this week.

i went to therapy on the 12th, it was my first appointment so it lasted two hours and we talked about a lot of stuff, a lot of different things that i wanted to talk about within our sessions. it was a lot and a lot of my personal trauma got brought up and i've had brain fog since. if i'm using that term correctly... just feel kinda not here.

i haven't even wanted to brainrot or anything which i am usually down to do. but hoping as days goes by i'll start feeling better and will hopefully be here sooner rather than later. y'all can catch me on discord tho if you do have it and chat with me there. just beware i've been kinda slow with dms.

just sorry i've been absent here without a word and if i have seemed off in dms... just been a lot going on. new medication, new therapist, general depressive mood... i just don't wanna bring anyone down so i haven't talked much about this to anyone but just gonna leave it here if anyone wanted to read my ramblings.

i don't know, i can tell i am starting to self isolate again and tte feeling of loneliness is real but i feel like a huge bother, even just wanting to talk about general things, i feel like i'm being annoying.

but anyways, this is getting long and i gotta get started on making dinner. i am hoping to be around sometime this week but i honestly make no promises. i am just keeping everything up in the air. sorry about this being a downer post.

[evansboyfriend]

Hugh Eddie/chris/Buck fan To say I hated the final would be an understatement, been reading every Eddie/chris reunion fic I can find.i don’t know if u like story ideas but I can’t get these out of my head..Buck drives to Texas to bring Chris back to surprise Eddie at Xmas, Chris calls Eddie in the middle of the night because he is in the hospital and needs his dad, no one told Eddie what happened

the eddie storyline in s7 was heartbreaking. honestly. i think we saw his grief as rage in s3 but i dont think he ever truly processed the loss - and beyond that, the trauma of that relationship while shannon was still alive, because it was a fucking mess. he says in s7, they spent more time apart than together, and we saw in 'eddie begins' the struggles they faced as young parents (esp of a disabled kid) - and sidenote to the sidenote, i am so fucking peeved that we didnt get to see more of shannon because she is actually such an interesting character, and they just brought her back and killed her off so quickly? but anyway - after s3, we see eddie trying to date, and he's always hesitating "because christopher" (is that a legit reason or a bit of an excuse, because christopher loves ana, and seems to get along with marisol just fine?) and the man's gone to therapy and talked about his army days/ptsd etc, but he never really got into the issues that were present in his marriage and the scene where he's (lowkey coerced into) roleplaying with his dead wife's doppelganger brought up SO MUCH GRIEF AND PAIN in such a brief scene

and listen. s7 was PACKED. it was 10 fucking episodes. it was always going to be a little rushed, a little ~ underdeveloped. i'm really hopeful s8 is going to get into eddie's storyline. i liked what we saw in s7 because it was more of a set up for what's to come in s7. and there was actually so much eddie in s7. his "reservoir of catholic guilt" comment is always joked about, because they did that whole nun thing, and this show is a little bit of a comedy at times yeah, but like, let's get into it, actually? he talks to bobby about possibly having 'commitment issues' and if we go back to s6, his desire for the way he clicked with shannon, he's looking for that "magic" BUT BOY? YOU NEED A LOT MORE THERAPY ACTUALLY? i want to see him confront the fact that his marriage was less than perfect, that he's not over the pain shannon caused by leaving, the grief of her death.

eddie has made a lot of mistakes in s7 and it pains me to see the collateral damage he caused christopher in the process, but it was nice to see him let his son go. even though it kills him inside. eddie is such a good dad actually. the separation in the finale showed that once again. yes it's heartbreaking. but it was necessary.

ok sorry this got rambly. im in my eddie feels.

i love story ideas! and buck going to bring chris for christmas is so nice, the two of them conspiring to surprise eddie. so cute. although you lost me at the end there, why is chris at the hospital? is there a car accident during the road trip??? aaaa???

[tadpolesonalgae]

I just read the ask you answered where the anon said that it would also be good if the reader ran away to spring court, and honestly, it seems like such a good idea.

Like, imagine tamtam finds reader and he allows her to stay in spring.

He is depressed, she is depressed.

They bond over it.

(And now that I think about it, the same couple of people have inflicted the trauma, directly or indirectly 👀)

They become friends and start therapy or the fae equivalent of it, and then the two of them build the spring court back up.

Tamlin is over Feyre, reader is over Az.

The two of them could develop a romantic bond or it could be just platonic, but that would be soo cool, because night court would realise that the two people who they thought would not survive without them gave now brought a whole court back up from the ground.

That was just my rambling 😅

I honestly had a similar idea for writing it myself kinda with a different reader, but at the moment I have too many requests and my own fics to finish, so it would take me some time to get to that.

I love you! Have a nice day ❣️

Hi!!! ❣️❣️❣️

Honestly I think reader going to Spring could be kind of interesting from the whole Elain and Lucien perspective? Possibly patching up their (Lu + Tam’s) relationship, and finally getting Tam to reinforce his borders so it’s not just a place for creatures to run rampant as they please.

And!! Similarly with Eris, I think Tamlin is another complex character? Comparing him with Rhys in how he took to his powers—since they both became High Lord the same night. I think I might have said this once before (don’t hold me to that🫣) but I feel like in another universe Tam and Cass could have been good friends?

Like Rhys mentions how Cass’ upbringing sometimes shows itself in odd ways (e.g. how Cass got a little snappy when Az told him to hold off on eating until Elain had sat down) and Tam could have helped teach him etiquette and things he’s slightly insecure about?

Sadly, I doubt that will happen, but I still think it would be so fun to explore it!!

And even if you don’t end up having time to write it, maybe you can store it in the back of your mind; slowly develop it until it’s evolved to a satisfying degree? Or wait until you have a little more time? It’s a really interesting idea you have, in regards to all the directions it could be taken in (when Tam and Reader team up will they want to overthrow the Night Court and perpetuate the feud, or will they try to heal things? Will Tam and Reader be split in that decision and have to work through their differences?)

I think you should hold onto that idea—have fun with it and see what you can come up with ❣️🧡💛

[fighterkimburgess]

Good morning. Still basking in last night’s episode. I have a tremendous amount of agreement with you on the Fangirlish reviews. One thing I’m not clear on is when they talk about Voight lying to Kim and being the cause of the trauma. Maybe initially when she didn’t know, but now?

I know that Voight, Hailey, and Jay did conceal what happened to Roy, but even though they didn’t show it, Kim has to know that Roy’s dead and not a threat. FBI dweeb (I’m drawing a blank on his name, right now), had to report that Roy’s body was found, even though he concealed part of it, by saying a rival killed him.

Am I off base on this? It’s been bothering me a bit, but I can understand it because they could’ve followed up with a scene of someone telling Kim that he’s dead. But I don’t think Voight continued to contribute to her trauma.

Glad to see you back!

Oh I’m gonna go on a ramble and I have no shame. Because Voight completely thinks of Kim as his daughter, and it’s been shown time and time again since season seven. And just because something isn’t shown on screen doesn’t mean Kim doesn’t know.

She’s in therapy. I guarantee if Walton was still out there - or Kim thought he was - it’d have been brought up. It’s too juicy a topic not to being up. She knows he’s dead. Should the show have shown us that? Yeah but last season was Eid plotted so…

But back to my Voight and Kim thing. In 7x11 he hugs her and grins when she tells him she’s pregnant. We’ve never seen Hank Voight do that. Ever. Not even with the woman he raised since she was fifteen. The look on his face outside the hospital room? The way he let her work on the case in 7x13 even though she shouldn’t have? Tell me he doesn’t adore her. Try it.

All through season 8 he’s checking in on her about Makayla. When she’s abducted it’s the “or her daughter” that makes him decide to kill Walton. Watch his face closely in that scene. Walton’s getting beaten, but it’s not until Makayla is threatened that Voight goes feral. There’s a meta I wrote that’s linked in my masterlist about this.

And then season 9 and checking on her in 9x02. Telling her in 9x14 that he wouldn’t bet against her. In 9x15 he’s the only one who knows what Adam and Kim are going through and tries to guide them.

And then last night. If you think for a second that that man was going to pull Kim you’re wrong. If you think that was anything other than a man who is watching her claw back from the brink, and is so proud of her? You’re wrong.

It’s a man who has watched his pseudo daughter battle demons that he can’t imagine, seeing her beat them. It’s a man who can’t tell her how proud of her he is. But he’s showing it in every way he looks at her.

I’ll never say Voight is a good guy. But he truly loves Kim Burgess like a daughter, and if you don’t see that then you are will fully just looking at him to hate him.

[rivetgoth]

Seriously distraught for this trans guy on Reddit asking for help because post-COVID he’s developed transphobic intrusive thoughts that he’s absolutely unable to shake and in his own words felt like “[he] was stupid and naive before, and finally woke up” and almost every single comment was absolute cringefail idiots being like “COVID can’t do that to you. Go to therapy.” with not only no sympathy but talking completely out of their ass. Like 75% of the time when I tell people about my experience with mental health plummeting post-COVID they very clearly do not believe me or are kinda like “huh… are you sure you weren’t just stressed out about having COVID?” and I want to grab them throttle them scream at them NO I have dealt with mental health issues my whole life and I cannot begin to put into words the absolute extreme severity of the symptoms here, it literally felt like an altered state it felt like the worst bad trip of my life I was throwing up sobbing myself to sleep having panic attacks daily, trauma resurfacing that I had not thought about in years, trying to journal would result in pages and pages of incoherent rambling about how terrified I was, FULLY convinced I had uncovered some hidden truth about the universe and that I would never be able to return to normalcy which is literally a documented sign of bad trips in altered states as well as psychosis, like this was a full-blown psychotic episode unlike anything I’d had since I was a teenager and even at my absolute most peaceful moments I had this unshakeable sense of unease and discomfort that just felt like it was my new natural state. I know other people who had this experience as well, each person I talked to who could relate reported a different way their brains turned against them and everything they believed in started raveling. My dad’s mental health plummeted post-COVID and he became convinced that the war in his home country meant there is no hope for humanity’s or his family’s future. Very real fears brought to the forefront to such an extreme degree my mom was calling me begging me to try to talk to him because he wasn’t himself. Afterwards he said it felt like a bad trip. Angel experienced something similar, I know someone else who was hospitalized for anxiety attacks twice in one week, etc. And this took MONTHS to dissipate, literally symptoms started sometime late January-early February last year and absolutely did not let up until sometime around May or June of the same year, slowly improving month by month until my head was finally clear. I had been thinking about this experience recently anyway because this is the “anniversary” of it right now and it absolutely left me with some long-term trauma I’m still working through but seeing someone else describe the exact same experience and be met with “COVID can’t do that” is shaking me to my fucking core rn lmao.