#Rn i can feel my mental health getting worse again so I don't think I'm going to be posting much

[myrkkymato]

"I Don't Feel Too Good"

[intrepid-creations]

Is it cool if I can be a tad dramatic for a sec?

Aight, you want some goddamn inspiration? After a very long day in airport purgatory I'm finally back home and realized I had access to my old art.

Here's my OC from high school back in 2012 when I was really into the DC superheroes and Young Justice:

Her name was Andrea Reyes, she was basically Batman on a college student's budget. She looked like shit but damn did I draw her a bunch and almost almost made a webcomic before I realized how absolutely painful that was to do.

This was a sketch I did of Yosemite - dunno when this was done. Probably around the same time tho.

12 goddamn years I've been drawing, not 12 years straight - I had a long lull in there when I just had trouble functioning at all and didn't do any art as a consequence.

I started back up in earnest in 2020. This was one of my first drawings. Was based on a Mount and Blade character someone on YouTube made.

I can think of about 50 ways to improve that but that's not what we're doing rn.

4 years later, after struggling and I mean STRUGGLING with my mental health, how I view myself as an artist, whether to call myself an artist ... Whether to keep creating. I almost stopped many many many times.

So I'm on my laptop rn so a lot of these are gonna be screenshots of WIPs because that's what OneDrive pulled over so:

Those are all from 2023.

So ... like ... don't quit. Okay?

Don't quit.

Yes you're going to feel shitty about your art. It's okay to feel that way (when it evolves into self hatred though, that's when you need to take a step back and also maybe get some professional help for your mental health). Legit, dissatisfaction with your work is a thing most creatives are going to experience because we have that drive, that determination, that knowledge that "yeah I'm good but I can be better". You'll plateau, you'll feel like everything that's coming out is complete garbage ... but you'll keep going because not creating hurts worse than creating stuff you think is absolute shit.

And one fine day, you're going to experiment with something, and it's going to click with you. Suddenly, you're going to start improving. Then yeah, you might plateau again until you find something else to try and incorporate into your piece.

Art isn't about banging out masterpiece after masterpiece. It's not constant perfection.

It's about growth. It's about progress.

That's what makes it so infuriating yet satisfying to me. It's knowing I can do better and practicing and practicing and practicing ... then one day something clicks. One day I realize how I can make it better and then I do that.

Don't quit.💪

[charmixpower]

Do you think Musa tends to be clingy and how does Riven reacts?

Yes to the first one and um that second one requires some explaining

The short answer is that he likes it

On to the rambling

Listen both Riven and Musa have hella attachment and abandonment issues. Both Musa and Riven actively try to push people away or try to seem cool and scary to get people to leave them alone

Musa rebuffs Stella's friendship attempts in s1 like it was her personal mission, and we all know what Riven was like

Like Musa's mother died, which was not good for her mental health, but what really fucked her over was her dad's immediate reaction and withdrawal from her personal life as he was still working most of the day. It gave her the idea that people aren't reliable, being the source of both her attachment and abandonment issues. Unfortunately due to her dad being up to his eyelids in grief his care of Musa was inconsistent, leading to more attachment issues

For Riven it's fairly simple. His mom straight up walked out on his family, and his brother and father weren't much better people than her. He has hella abandonment and attachment issues

Now, the thing about attachment and abandonment issues is that most people with them will start withdrawn (See: Musa never offers her thoughts about missions in s1, Riven actively pushes everyone away constantly in s1), and then they become the most clingy mother fuckers to ever grace a relationship (See: Musa acting like Riven and her were already dating in s2, and just s3 and general)

Source: me and all of my friends <3

The thing is both Riven and Musa are fucking clingy as hell which makes them both less clingy

Which doesn't make sense unless you have these issues yourself so allow me to explain

When you have these issues you have a hard time becoming close to people, you're scared to let people in, and you're not used to having a relationship, so when you do finally find someone you want to be close with, it's an immediate panic to keep them from abandoning you. Which is mostly looking for reasons they would abandon you, and getting sad and jealous over really normal things

(The jealous is mostly a fear of replacement, I have that one bad and so does Riven. I think Musa has that one too but it's not caused by her family, if her "I'm not like other girls" behavior has a cause like it did for most people I know. Which is from ostracization)

The thing is you don't really believe anyone could love you as much as you love them, and no one is ever as loyal as you. How could they be? Everyone else has abandoned you when you were just trying your best. This, unsurprisingly either causes apathy or just more clinginess. Maybe if I try a little harder it will all be ok, god I love that song

Anyways, the fun thing about being clingy so someone doesn't leave you and being jealous because you've been replaced before it can happen again, is that when someone shows the same behaviors it's like....oh, you care as much as me and you're afraid of the same thing. I don't need to be afraid with you because your like me

AND THATS WHATS GOING ON THERE

So Musa's clinginess is at it's worse in s2 because there in this weird in-between stage and Riven is just wayyy to in his own head about Darcy trauma to be in a relationship rn. So she's at her most terrified that he'll leave her. While Riven, for once in his life, isn't scared that he'll be abandoned. Look at what Musa is doing! Those aren't the actions of someone who's planning on finding someone better and never talking to him again! Musa's clinginess makes Riven feel safe in the relationship, for once he doesn't think it's just going to disappear one day

Anyways Riven (clinically) dies for Musa, she has like 3 separate mental breakdowns, and he wakes up. They're dating now!

She begins to be super clingy at him (tho not as clingy as before bc he was willing to die for her and that has to mean he's less likely to abandon her right? Yes, yes it does bby) and Riven like does not mind at all for the above reasons, which makes her feel safe and comfortable, like her fear and affection isn't going to be punished for existing. Which is good for her

Now because Riven is comfortable he is going to be saying shit like "you're stuck with me forever", "you can't get rid of me now", and talking about future plans. Idk if other people find this cute but this is how people with abandonment issues express affection when they feel safe soo, yeah. Musa eventually asks about this, Riven explains that, yes, he is equally obsessed with her as she is with him. He just doesn't openly express it as much because he feels secure in their relationship. This realization makes Musa feel secure in their relationship and she just stops being as clingy. Like she still really really likes attention, but she's not as clingy anymore. Because she isn't scared—you get it

They've hit this equilibrium where their issues kind of cancel each other out because of course they're not going to abandon each other! Look at how fucking attached to each other they are! No one puts this much effort in just to leave. So they're just chilling

This right here is why I love Rivusa, when two people with hella issues find safety and security. I cri every time

[yami-mazda]

I've been thinking about the western vs Japanese cultural context surrounding yamikawaii/menhera and listen, I know I'm new, I know I'm a baby kawaii or whatever the fuck and I'm probably not saying anything that hasn't already been said a million times by every western yami kawaii blog ever.

Yamikawaii in Japan originated as a radical rejection of the stigma around mental illness. It also became a way to cope, take joy, wear your heart on your sleeve, maybe even be 'proud'in some way--more in the disability pride kinda pride as opposed to the lgbt pride kinda pride.

And whilst talking about mental health isn't as taboo in America, there is still VERY MUCH a taboo around mental ILLNESS. I have psychosis, autism, complex ptsd, I'm a DID system. (I'm forgetting something.) I KNOW firsthand and several times over what it is like for people to try to use tools like therapy and mental health care to brute force a neurotypicality out of me that I just can't do.

In America, it's more like people are pro mental HEALTH, not pro mental ILLNESS. If you're not mentally healthy, you're expected to work work work until you're an acceptable level of "just a lil sad sometimes" or "disabled, but adorable and sweet" instead of like. People meeting you where you are when you can't get better.

This is WHY everyone on this goddamn site says "stop making suicide jokes." (By extention, yamikawaii was heavily criticized for flippant imagery. That's also why I avoided it for a long time; it just felt like, in a WESTERN context, it was feeding into something bad.) Stop doing ANYTHING that will feed into your self harm. But like. In extreme, possibly rare, situations, that's not enough. (Not even going into the "address the societal systems that MAKE us all so miserable" angle because you're right, you're right, but I'm talking abt self care only rn.) Making me STOP making suicide jokes, making me stop self harming, making me sanitize how I speak about myself and my life just so I don't say or do anything "unacceptable" is NOT helping me overcome my mental issues. It's just making me feel repressed and more pent up so when I finally DO snap and release, it's worse than ever.

I promised myself that if I was ever assaulted again, I would fucking kill myself. So I'm finding a way to do that but also not to die through this aesthetic. By disguising self care as suicidality and self harm and whatever I need it to be, I find that it's much easier to keep on living. I'm tricking my brain in a way.

I feel like using yamikawaii to treat suicidal thoughts is kind of like using electroconvulsive therapy for severe depression. It should NOT be your first go to, it's even ill advised in most cases for obvious reasons. But if the case is so severe that it is all that can be done to treat the issue, then by all means.

[gunkbaby]

Hello my lovelies. Just popping in with a little queued update on things (Shuu's birthday) for y'all. (gets a wee bit personal at the end, so feel free to skip that part!)

I am currently fighting off the evil mental illness demons, so I apologise for not being very active right now, and being generally bad at replying to messages and things. Things are just kind of bad on my end, especially in regards to my eating disorder. I'm super sorry, but I'm trying to do my best rn.

Anyway. Just wanted to pop in and say that I'm working real hard on getting some things ready for Shuu's birthday! I have already finished this year's Build-A-Bear poll, and the Minecraft server is almost ready! I've also got some art, and maybe a little sewing piece too, to share with y'all. I write Shuu a birthday letter most years, and if I'm comfortable, I will share that too.

I know I said before that i was planning to host a short, drawtober style event (mainly for me) centered around some Tsukiyama-esque prompts. I would still very much like to do that. I have five prompts ready that Shuu related, and I am very much looking forward to sharing them with you all.

I will try and post more information about it soon, but I do have an issue - I am unsure if my health would allow me to participate in the event.

(personal stuff under the cut, tw, ed & relapse mentions)

I try not to talk about it a lot - on Tumblr especially - but last year some not so nice things happened to me on my old Tumblr, on Shuu's birthday. It kinda ruined Shuu's birthday for me, and I have quite a lot of pretty severe trauma from it. Those events did sorta ruin my reputation, (hence why I don't interact with the fandom anymore lol) and basically caused me to relapse, pretty heavily, after I worked for years to recover. I was real proud of myself for that too, and now it's all back and worse than I ever thought it could be, and to say it sucks is an understatement, especially seeing how quickly everything fell apart. Like damn, all that effort I put in to get better, and it fell apart like a chocolate teapot on a hot day. Makes me feel pretty pathetic, honestly. (But I'm still going! I still have flowers, which is something, I think. It's a little silly, but I always think that if we have flowers, I think it's proof the world isn't totally falling apart. It keeps me going, at least.)

I bring this all up to explain why I might be offline a lot over the next few weeks. Because it all fell apart on Shuu's birthday last year, I'm anxious about this year. It's like, what if it all happens again, or whatever, what if X thing happens, or X thing, and then cue a spiral of invasive thoughts. So, I'm pretty desperate reclaim this day for myself. But I get the feeling I might be unable to be on Tumblr the actual birthday, because this is where everything happened. I will try, I promise, but if I feel too overwhelmed, I will just schedule any posts I wanna make and chill on my other social media instead. (all my socials are in my Carrd!)

In other news, I hope everyone had a good valentine's day. I bought some roses for myself. I don't like Valentine's day, it feels so cheap. I think that love should be celebrated everyday, not just one random Tuesday in February. But maybe I'm just salty, because I have never had a Valentine.

I will try and be more active, but as I say, my brain is sort of in ED-mode right now. But I'm genuinely trying. It's one of my OC's birthdays at the end of the month, so I will try and come back for that, at least. I'm working hard on my fics too. Hopefully soon I will have something worthy of being posted...Ahah.

So yeah. Just a wee lil baby update post from me. I'll try to be a little more active, so at least I can give it my all on Shuu's birthday, properly. C u later my friends.

[girlyliondragon]

I'm gonna go on hiatus from Tumblr. (and maybe the public fandom)

It's been so long since I've done that. One of my friends said it might be a good idea.

Idk what will happen from here. I'm kinda in a very depressed state rn and don't even know if I should draw for this fandom anymore, I don't think it deserves anything from me at this point. Or that I deserve to draw for it in general. I'll still be in some smaller Bugsnax servers, but I won't be talking in the bigger servers for the time being. I'm too scared to show my face there again and I fear doing so will just get questions asked. For the sake of my health, I'm going on hiatus from those ones too.

It's either this or this fandom on this site sends me into a worse mental health spiral and I do something I might regret. I really wish it wasn't this fandom, that I thought of as a comfort a year ago, sent me into wanting to... well.... you know. do bad stuff. I don't want to anymore ig, but sleep isn't easy and I feel kinda detached.

I'm sorry for everything... I keep feeling like I'm saying the wrong things nowadays and this has been the worst time of my life. I'm sorry for all I've done..

Idk how long this hiatus will last, I just need to get away.

To those that now hate me, you can be happy I'm not active here. At least..

[abri-chan]

Chapter 36, Sadistic Beauty BL

If I were Minho and I just woke up from my coma to see hobbo-looking WK shouting at me, I would be so pissed and tell him to GTFO and look presentable/put some effort. Is it not enough the first face I see is yours, but you look like shit, even worse than I do, and I have been in a coma for who knows how long!

In a way, how dare WK make this about himself again, no I would not be happy to see how tired and unkempt you look, as though not putting effort around my comatose body (bc you so couldn't leave my side, could you?) shows how much you love me, when it's your own fucking fault I attempted to take my own life.

----

Idk the translation yet, but the least WK can do is let Minho free. Give him all your money and let him go. Minho has been in a coma but what is your excuse for looking like shit WK?

Update: So WK asks Minho to leave his house, doesn't even say sorry to the man for causing him to commit suicide, Minho instead has to say thank you for saving my life? I understand the stress of it all, but there's nicer ways to go about this: apologize, arrange some money for Minho (if he doesn't want to touch the money, he can give that money to charity for all you care), and so on so Minho can recover. Otherwise, where the fuck will he go after you isolated him and cut off any attempt he made at working? He has no savings and no house to go to. Why drop him like a sack of potatoes, especially since this is all your fault?

Furthermore, making Minho feel guilt for being suicidal is such a stab to the back, since he's vulnerable right now mentally and where he needs the most support emotionally. Yet, you blame Minho for how you cannot think of anything else than his breathless body, and all the words you told him about always being with him and how you only could love him cannot surpass that image? (So no statue of liberty, you bitch?) Minho has such grounds to sue WK's and on so many criminal charges that WK's rich mommy and daddy better be willing to open up their wallets. (I hope you paid the hospital fees at least, and didn't dump Minho on the Korean taxpayers to care for... Really this man can't get out of his mom's shadow and it's all about him him him, and it's all words but he never acts on his words-- he presumably has the right emotions but lacks the action part to materialize his love.)

I'm kinda happy for Minho also dragging his ass for looking unshaved and aged in this one, and making him mad. I can see WK still has anger issues, but he's mellowing out. I don't want to judge anyone's mental health rn bc they both went through trauma, but I feel less empathy for WK bc this was all his fault, and he doesn't step up to his promise to Minho, making a guy who was just suicidal feel alone once more; why is WK such a thot that acts in the moment and doesn't think the consequences of what he says. He most definitely will regret it.

Minho: I love you now

WK: get out of my house, bye

[aiden-evyn]

I wrote this in a text to a friend but didn’t want to hit send and burden them. I don’t want these thought to disappear tho.

I feel completely worthless rn. I haven't been able to find a job and I feel like a freeloader. My parents think I just don't want a job and while that is the easy answer I don't think they understand how hard it is for me. Rn going out of the house alone is the most daunting task. While I'd never actually get diagnosed I think I'm agoraphobic. If it were my choice I'd never leave the safety of my house. Sometimes it's even hard to leave my own room.

I'm in a pit of believing that the only path my future is heading towards is homelessness, prostitution and suicide. I have been at home too long that is a fact but my parents would rather lecture me than help me. They don't offer to drive me to places and be supportive as I ask around for jobs. They've never offered to do that and god forbid I ask.

The longer I stay home the further back in my mental health growth I fall.

I feel disgusting and I can't sleep. My brain won't stop spiralling. They did this by bringing up job hunting again. They don't get it. They don't understand my struggles

What worse is I know I sound and am acting like a cry baby. And I hate that you are the only one I feel like I could type this message out too. I know there's nothing you can do. I also think I have a pretty good idea of what you would tell me rn. I know I need to be a grown up. Hell you got issues just like I do and you got your life together. I wish I was strong like you.

I made so much progress. I hadn't thought about suicide since the beginning of this year. Nearly six months and yet here I am wondering why I'm too much of a pussy to do it. Why I would rather cry and type all this out then take all the time I ever have alone to kill myself before anyone ever even notices. If I did it tonight no one would ever know until the afternoon when dad got off work. Even then he'd probably not even look for me. Mom probably would text me when she got home but only because I wasn't downstairs to make them dinner. Would she send dad to find me or because he's not feeling good would they just let me "sleep". Would dad finally look around when he went to bed. Or would it not be until the next night that they'd actually begin to worry?

If I really am worthless and my life is going nowhere would it be best to be out of everyone's way?

This is oddly cathartic for me and I hope that if someone sees this they will know they are not alone.

[mcrmadness]

Okay so. Generalised anxiety disorder taking it to whole new levels tonight.

I just got back home, and should go to sleep soon, but I just imagined a new horror scenario that's probably scarier than anything ever before. I can't even write it down, that's how scary it feels! Going to the OCD side of my anxiety where magical thinking is a thing. Anyway, let's just say it's one of those "what if?" thoughts and it was about paralysis, and now I'm super anxious and don't wanna go to sleep at all. It's because of something minor that happened today and kinda traumatised me, but of which I can't say more about even if I wanted to. My arms just turned slightly numb randomly and I think it might have been because of the posture of my back, and I've been freaking out every since. Even when my arms and back and anything can become numb just by leaning my arm in a certain way against a sofa's back rest or keeping my hand behind my head. Its just something that always happens, but today it was scarier than usually for some reason.

In general, it's again one of those worse days with my anxiety. I had a bit of anxiety in Berlin too but for other reasons and other intrusive thoughts. But at home it's constantly about my mortality and I get so much anxiety just from the fact I have a body because I can't control my health, which I normally don't even have problems with! But still I again feel so exhausted because I can't know if I'll develop health problems eventually or not. I know anxiety and stress are not helping with that at all.

Idk, I don't know why it has gone to this again. I feel like I'm burnt-out again and I haven't even done anything. I was to Berlin, which was amazing, but the life in my own city feels suffocating. I don't think my anxiety would go anywhere even if I did live in Berlin, but I might still have less time for irrational anxiety and more time for nice things. But maybe it's the occupational therapy, and me applying to a school (and being accepted to there), and sll that that's making me so tired. Like, I'm mentally ill after all, I'm not able to work rn.

I'm also feeling scared because I'm always terrified of my depression coming back. I always start having panic attacks when I go through simular emotions and thoughts I had when depressed, because that time was some of the worst years of my life and I don't want to ever go through that again. The only way out was antidepressants and this time I don't have that, because I don't want to touch pills ever again.

I'm just so tired of being afraid. Often of my own mind. I've been st home for almost 2 weeks now and this is still going on. I just miss Berlin, or want to go just somewhere else that is not my city. At the same time being elsewhere is awesome because new things, but also exhausting because of my dissociation, and because sometimes my anxiety finds me even from another city and it's not fun when the realization of my mortality and vulnerability hits me.

I feel like I really need to talk this through with someone/just anyone. It's getting too heavy for just person right now, and I don't seem to find a way to get it out peacefully.

[iamsuchi]

Oof where do I start from? Ok so the last year was a pure hectic for me and so many bad things happening and the thing is that I didn't recover from things that happened last yr but now I have alot of new problems to worry and cry over .I just want to go to my old self who was happy, confident , inspired, knew what she wanted, didn't care if others tried to discouraged or didn't even care abt the freaking circumstances. I'm so tired tbh my friends are so toxic and all my friendships are one side its always me putting the efforts to carry the convo I lost so many funds too ...I just wanted some nice people and some good relationships and people that I can trust blindly... tried to take advice but it made things worse .things r so bad rn Idt they will ever improve will they ? Mental health was bad too so I wasn't able to focus on my goals or just be in rt state and recently I got rejected by my desired school ..feels like I don't have any reason to live for . I had fight w my bff but she was the one who was wrong and now she is pretending 2 be the victim and ignoring me

WOW, I AM SO SORRY ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU NO ONE DESERVES THIS! If you need a friend I am here my inbox is ALWAYS open, send me a DM if you feel the need. Trust me I need what this is like it's a hard mindset to live with there's so much to unpack here... I want to explain it to you in the best way possible without sounding like victim blame because I don't want you to feel bad or blame yourself any further. The best way I can say this is that your assumptions leading up until now that what's happening to cause all of this and I am assuming that it's probably a happening on an unconscious or subconscious level. PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF HERE, THIS IS NOT MY INTENTION IT IS NATURAL FOR SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO US AS HUMANS AND WE GET INTO A BAD THINKING PATTERN OF THINKING ONLY BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO US - BELIEVE ME, I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. A FEW YEARS AGO I DIDN'T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE. I HAD TO DO ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT OF MENTAL REPROGRAMMING BY MYSELF ONLY WITH THE AID OF A FEW VERY CLOSE FRIENDS AND BY FEW I MEAN MY BEST FRIEND AND LIKE 2 OTHER PERSONS. MY FAMILY DOESN'T TAKE MENTAL HEALTH SERIOUSLY SO I HAD TO DO IT ALONE. AT THAT TIME I DISCOVERED PEOPLE LIKE ALAN WATTS AND NEVILLE GODDARD AND THAT'S THE CATALYST FOR ALL THIS TODAY AND TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I AM STILL NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE EVEN MENTALLY, WORSE I AM STILL IN AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE I DONT REALLY FEEL HAPPY IN. LITERALLY, MY ASSUMPTIONS ARE CARRYING ME DAY TO DAY MOST TIMES. I KNOW THAT HORRIBLE FEELING AND I WISH IT ON NO ONE SO PLEASE REACH OUT TO ME IF YOU CAN WE NEED TO WORK ON THOSE ASSUMPTIONS WE NEED TO BACKTRACK THOSE LIMITING BELIEFS, LIFE IS WORTH LIVING EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL THAT WAY RIGHT NOW! TELL YOURSELF IT WILL GET BETTER, IT IS GOING TO GET BETTER, I NEED YOU TO BELIEVE THAT IT WILL! IT IS WORTH THE FIGHT YOU'RE ON THIS EARTH FOR A REASON, THIS IS YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE YOU CAN MAKE IT A BEAUTIFUL ONE! YOU CAN BE THAT BEAUTIFUL CONFIDENT PERSON YOU WERE I BELIEVE YOU STILL ARE THAT AND MORE MAYBE YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE HELP WITH GETTING THERE AND I AM HERE FOR YOU! I AM REALLY SORRY AGAIN THAT ALL THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REACHING OUT! PLEASE DM ME IF YOU CAN IF YOU NEED A FRIEND I AM HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately not all the people we meet in our lives are there to benefit us and it sounds like you met some real messed up ones and again I'm sorry about that but there are good people out there, I'm sure there others like me who would love to see you flourish in life. So please don't let the few assholes you've met so far stop you from meeting even more amazing people out there. (GUYS IF YOU READ THIS FAR AND YOU CAN - PLEASE ADD SOMETHING ON TO THIS ASK PLEASE LET THIS PERSON KNOW THEY AREN'T ALONE - WE ARE ONE GUYS! YOU ARE ANOTHER ME - WE ALL SHOULD WANT HAPPINESS AND A WONDERFUL LIFE FOR EACH OTHER.)

Also please mental health is veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery important, if you need to cry let it out don't bottle up your emotions, AND PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF YOU ARE HUMAN YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL AND EXPERSS YOUR EMOTIONS - LIFE IS HARD SOMETIMES BUT I BELIEVE YOU A RESILIENT, YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS! take some time for yourself, try doing things that make you happy - watch funny vids, eat your favorite food, take a nap and if you can I'd recommend speaking with a therapist or licensed professional when it comes to your mental health. I am sending you so much positive energy and all the love and support I can from where I am, things will get better I believe they will.

[lesbonym]

Hey, i've read you had a bad day(s), and i'm sorry to just dump all of this on you. But I'm drunk and high rn, and this is anon so. Since a few days ago things didn't get better, and i now that these stuff take more time to heal, but yk the whole situation is bad.

And of course it has made my mental health (which has never been that great) even worse. Like, i'm not even kidding, it's just a little too overwhelming.

The fact that the reason why my best friend and i stopped talking a few years ago was that she just got cold with me, like, randomly. And i felt horrible about it. And now it happened again, but it's so much worse this time.

Don't worry tho, i will probably just talk about this with my psychologist and things will get better. If i can. Like, onestly i don't feel like talking about this with people (people who know me).

Ahaàhah i'm sorry this is just a random rant, and i've never been this high before, but yeah, you can decide to just delete this if you feel like It's a too pathetic. Hope youre feeling better now, nym.

- 💅🏻

Aww, baby. I'm so sorry. Don't ever be sorry for needing to vent, I'll be fine. We are all here for you, and I'm so sorry that everything is repeating again. I hope everything gets better for you because you deserve better. It's not fair for her to suddenly get cold with you.

Taling to your psychologist would probably be a good thing to do. I could never think you are pathetic, and I really hope you feel better. I'm always here if you need to vent. If you ever want to send an ask off anon, I could start a dm with you, just to check in. It's all up to you.

[emergencybee]

Hi... I've been missing from this blog in the last few days... i think you can understand why

This is more of a vent than a discourse post but be aware that i will be talking about The Situation thats happening rn

My mental health deteriorated last year, because of personal things, because the world getting worse, and because even though i love what I'm studying in college sometimes it feels like it's a huge 'capitalism sucks, here's is how you can work to make a few lives less shitty' and that can be depressing as hell.

QSMP was a form of de-stressing, a place were i could act like the teenager i still feel I am (i turned 18 last year, i don't see myself as an adult yet even though I'm one legally). I'm now really close to abandoning everything cause everything thats happening isn't helping my mental health.

I've seen Forever's situation superficially, i don't like any of it, everything feels a bit underexplained. His response to it and the accusations.

But my first action to this kind of things is always believe the victim. Even though none of them have come out and directly said something (besides one of them not wanting their name attached to it), the accusations are serious enough that i don't feel comfortable to support him until i have a better grasp of what's happening.

I ask you to not send me anything related to that (you will be blocked). When I'm feeling better i will take a deeper look at it if i understand that I won't make me spiral again.

Having said that, i know some of you are in a similar position, so remember to distract your self with some cool stuff and don't doomscroll cause it's won't make you feel any better.

My notifs are turned off but i will be checking for messages from time to time.

Thank you for reading all of this :)

[dhampir-dyke]

Ranting and rambling under the cut, nothing crazy I just wanna write it down so I don't go batshit insane.

I'm so torn up abt money rn. I have plenty rn, but I always feel like I should be making and saving more. When I work just the 40 hrs a week I can't help but feel lazy and guilty when I see my paycheck.

But when I pick up extra my mental health declines so rapidly and to extremes. And my job is so difficult that sometimes it makes me miss the pure hell of Mcdonalds grill/fry area. If only because the work of it was the fast-pace I like and the stakes were so low- and working grill means customers don't verbally abuse, sexually harrass, or physically assault me like they do in healthcare.

They keep pushing more patients on us. When I started I only had 12 patients, a mix of acute and progressive patients. But now they're making us take 15 patients and they're almost all progressive or borderline ICU. They send us all of their trainwrecks from step-down ICU or the ED without any concern for the fact that they're not gonna get taken care of properly bc of staffing ratios.

Like why are you sending the 90 yr old hip fractures with dementia down into a room with no windows and shitty fluorescent lighting- and then get mad at US when they get hospital delirium?

Why do you keep sending us the most violent patients to us, where is takes security 20 minutes to even find us, and where nobody knows where we are? And I'm not talking little confused ma-maws who try to scratch and bite, I'm talking the 6 ft tall, built 30 yr old who's detoxing off a half-gallon of liquor a day. Idc how good your mediating and conflict resolution skills are, he's gonna knock your head off your shoulders if he gets the chance.

How do you expect us to safely ambulate your 300+ pound/combative/half-dead patients twice a day, when I can barely find the time to change and feed and bathe and get vitals + blood sugars on my other 14? Are you fucking kidding me?

And now, with this new strain of covid that's picking up steam, it's only gonna get worse bc it's supposedly infecting kids worse. All of my coworkers are parents or grandparents- when they start calling in sick or taking time off or quitting bc of their youngins, were gonna be fucked. They might even dissolve our unit again and send us all to the ICU like the last 2 times we got slammed with covid. And I'll be real, I don't think they're gonna raise our surge/incentive pay, I think they're gonna try to stiff us and when that happens even more people are gonna leave. It's not fucking worth it, esp for CNAs and desk clerks and EVS n shit. I don't know what to do. Do I sink more time and effort into work for the extra few hundred a month, at the expense of my sanity, or do I work the minimum 40 a week and stagnate financially? Should I try to look for a better paying/easier job, or is the devil I know better than the devil I don't?

[loudlyunladylike]

you got any c!niki songs?

This ask is hella old so my apologies, but hi hi hello!!! ee!! So ok I'm actually in the process of making a lil playlist rn (very small at the moment because I can't remember all of them oops so I'm taking suggestions 👉👈) so I thought I would just go through my thoughts on each of those at the mo!

1. "Burning House" by Cam

I made a post featuring this one! Gives me Pogtopia Niki and Will vibes, they are both stuck in these separate places filled with pain and hurt but Wilbur can't get Niki out of Manberg because it wouldn't be safe and Niki can't get Wilbur out of Pogtopia as his mental health keeps getting worse and worse ("I had a dream about a burning house, you were stuck inside I couldn't get you out") but alas throughout the whole time they still cared about eachother, they still tried, Wilbur shows up at her birthday party and saves her at the festival, Niki stands alone against the rest of Manberg to stand up for not just herself but also Wilbur and Tommy ("I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone") . To me this song also feels like looking back in hindsight maybe more from the perspective of her alone in her secret city, as her own mental health declines and she locks herself away due to her night terrors ("I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire but it's the only place that I can hold you tight") especially with all the parallels that can be drawn between Niki and Wilbur's declining mental health at that point ("I lay beside you and pulled you close and the two of us went up in smoke")

2. "Pretty Little Things" by The Crane Wives

Ok so I first heard this song in this Niki animatic so I can direct you right over there because god it is good I actually get chills watching it. So I think they demonstrate it quite well in that but to give you a vague idea, it gives me the vibes of Niki around doomsday era; she's still sad about missing Wilbur ("Past loves linger like phantom limbs") but she's also angry and she is done. There's also a depiction of the green festival where Niki's anger at Will starts projecting on to Tommy and she feels like she simply can't trust him and stay at his side ("But trust is now something I make people earn, so I'm not inclined to just give it away to a pair of blue eyes with some nice things to say"). I am also a massive fan of my Niki and hope symbolism so it makes it all just incredibly heartbreaking; she had so much hope and love in L'manberg and Will but alas it seems to have wilted away ("I don't believe the pretty little things that you say, I've heard a lot of little pretty things. Don't buy me flowers it pains me to watch pretty little things wilt away, pretty little things wilt away")

3. "A Burning Hill" by Mitski

See I thought of this as Niki song anyways but someone also made this cool animatic that Niki even commented on so check that out if you like! But yeah this is like that sad atmosphere after doomsday I think, like again we've got that incredibly sad loss of hope from such a hope-filled character ("I think I'm finally worn") along with her reminiscences of Wilbur ("For you have a way of promising things") which could honestly sound angry in another context but here just sounds sad. And then of course where would we be without the fire imagery ("I am the fire and I am the forest and I am the witness watching it") relating to both her repeated actual scenes in relation to fire but also her growing inner fire because it's always been there whether it be hopeful bright sparks or an angry forest fire, the more destruction and "fire" she sees around her the more her inner fire grows. Perfect examples of this being the parallels between the burning of the flag and the burning of the L'mantree; both instances of destruction being all around, the first time she watches her pillar of hope go up in flames, the second time she is the fire itself lighting it but both times she wishes Wilbur was there ("I stand in a valley watching it and you are not there at all"). The song also ends off on a bit of a hopeful but also sad note ("And I'll love the littler things, I'll love some littler things") doomsday is over, L'manberg is gone and she has cut off connections to most of her friends, maybe this a a chance to start anew and love some new things but there is still a sense that maybe she should just love some littler things, maybe she hoped to big last time, loved to big last time and that's heartbreaking.

4. "Graceland Too" by Phoebe Bridgers

This was a recommendation from the lovely @/foxesdontscareme and it is a truly beautiful song, and great for a healing arc Niki! Niki gives up on the nuke Tommy plot and takes Techno up on his syndicate offer ("No longer a danger to herself or others, she made up her mind and laced up her shoes") and thus she begins the process of trying to pull herself out of her own downward spiral before it's too late. She changes her secret city once again, replacing the lava and mismatched bricks with quartz walls and gardens and a bakery that she invites her friends to ("Yelled down the hall but nobody answered so she walked outside without an excuse"). She is still lost without L'manberg and it's community ("Doesn't know what she wants or what she's gonna do, a rebel without a clue") but it is now being approached with a more hopeful tone, she doesn't fully know exactly what she's going to do but she's hopeful about it this time. Recently Niki's mental health hasn't been the best but honestly the goal in my mind is that she one day reaches a more peaceful, healthier point and this will all be the perfect vibe ("Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment") <33 pls

5. "Learning To Hate You As A Self Defense Mechanism" by Flatsound

Ok sadness again. This is the Niki song that cc!Niki herself tied to c!Niki when she found out Wilbur was alive, I also made a post about this one pfft! But this song is exactly what it says it is so in this case an exploration into Niki's unhealthy mechanisms on "coping" with Wilbur's return. After the nuke plot failed Niki realised that none of what she was blaming Tommy for was really his fault; underneath all the projection she was still upset and annoyed at Wilbur. But Niki and Wilbur were best friends, she obviously loved and cared for him and she still does but in an attempt to preserve her new safe space and the distance she has tried to put between herself and L'manberg she tries to remind herself or simply just tell herself that he hurt her and that she must hate him for that ("So I'll hold on to this feeling, I'll hold on to this hate, for as long as I need for it to help me"). Niki tells herself that Wilbur must have never cared about her or anyone, that she must have just been stupid for believing him ("Was it my fault because I easily confused you for someone who would hold my hand") because it's easier to cut yourself off from someone if you believe nothing was really there in the first place, if the diamonds meant nothing and if she lies to herself that he never checked up or visited her in Manberg ("you would leave when I got sick"). However, underneath it all, no matter how much she lies to herself she cares, and she wishes she could see him and talk to him ("You never called me on my birthday, I want to call you on your birthday")

[heliosoll]

Can you explain how you work with aphrodite and apollo while using the law of assumption? i wanna start working with deities again. do you leave offerings? do you believe in spirits and guides and signs? i let it go after starting up my blog and finding out about loa, but your post is making me want to go back and start again. :)

Hi!

So, everything about how I use the law is exactly the same as others! I just also work with Apollo and Aphrodite. I'm still very new at this whole polytheistic hellenism thing so I'm not gonna be great help when it comes to working with Gods in general but!

I mostly work with Apollo! He's the first God that stood out to me and seemed interested in working with me. I chose to work with Aphrodite as well because I really like her and I wanted to learn to love myself more. When it comes to offerings, I honestly often forget. Most of my offerings are food or lighting candles. I also listen to music a lot and I try to include Apollo whenever I can! There are some genres and artists that he likes more (from the stuff I listen to) so I also try to listen to that stuff more. Basically for Apollo, most of my offerings are food, candles, music, art, and learning new things!

For Aphrodite... it's worse :( I have such a hard time remembering to give offerings in the first place and since she's not my "main" God, I forget about her even more 😭 My offerings for her typically come in the form of taking care of myself and loving myself! Like doing my skincare routine because it makes me feel better even though I don't have to do it. Wearing my favorite perfumes instead of trying to "save them" for special occasions! Listening to my "rich bitch" playlist cause it makes me feel good. You get the point!

But because of the law, I mostly see offerings as like... presents? I don't see them as me trying to give them things so they like me or help me ya know? I think of offerings like presents to friends!

I don't really know if I believe in signs or spirit guides. Again, it would be real if I assumed it to be but honestly? I don't really have a need for them so I kind of don't! There are definitely times when I'll see something that's associated with Apollo and I'll think... you trying to communicate rn? Like a couple of days ago I saw these huge ravens and I knew that it was him! I don't really see these "signs" as anything big though - just him basically going "what's up" and reminding me that he's there (he likes to do that ajldghldga).

I think the biggest "sign" I got from any God was when I essentially asked Apollo to appear in my dreams so that I knew he was actually real. This was years ago! That night I had a dream of him and Dionysus drinking beer at a tavern. It was actually really sweet because neither of them were "facing" me or trying to communicate with me. Apollo knew that that would freak me out and so he just... appeared in the most normal but still not normal for me scenario he could think of. (And he knew that Dionysus was one of the only other Gods I knew about and felt comfortable with at the time!)

The thing about religion and loa is that again, some religions just don't mesh well with the law. To me, the law and shifting are completely natural things that we've been doing since we started perceiving the 3D. For any of them to disagree with the law would be like them disagreeing with the fundamentals of human nature. They really just help me when it comes to mental health and remembering to take care of myself!

(also! it's totally okay if not but may i ask which god(s) you worked with back then? i've seriously been considering adding ares to the mix but i'm not sure yet!)

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen