#Sara and Norman start hanging out

[theitalianscribe]

Norman headcannons

In life, Norman was good at doing impressions. This carried over into his cyborg/android design with a program that lets him perfect replicate people's voices.

Building off the above point, Norman wasn't originally the one doing the company tapes. That person asked too many questions and thus were needed... elsewhere. Since he already was discreet and okay with all the shady stuff, Norman was put on voiceover detail.

Norman has/had a bird.

Norman having a bird probably works better in an au, but he has this bird, maybe a parrot, maybe a budgie, and it has a yellow head and its wings and chest are the same color. I picture them as pink or purple, but I'm having trouble finding birds with that coloring. When he meets the bird, Andrew/Morris is chuckling because Norman is wearing a jacket that happens to be the same color as the bird's and they look identical.

Just. Let Norman have a pet bird!

Also I have an AU where everyone is alive and in highschool. In that one, Watchful Eye Toys exists as a research company headed by Norman's parents and he is expected to take it over. (I wanted to ramble about this in the tags but I reached the tag limit so I am adding this back here as an extra bullet point.) He gives off heir to a big company and kind of sheltered vibes.

[crackshipparadise]

Until I Found You Chap. 5

((Posting the entire story like this now instead of links! If you wanna read chapters 1-4 click here!!!))

Happy New Years!!

Here is more of my lovely crackship for you all to start off the new year!

So, I did see the prologue and Episode 1 for WTDW Season 2 and I had to change a few ideas that focused around Norman.  I won’t say till we introduce him, physically, but yeah how I portrayed him in Chapter 2 would have to be re-written or explained in a future chapter.

All I can say is, Sara is living the trope of a protagonist falling in love with a childhood friend (Norman) and the mysterious/bad boy (Artemis/Moonjumper). 

Big thanks to @gigilefache for being my beta reader!

Enjoy!

On Friday afternoon, Artemis parked in front of Dreamworld Entertainment and smiled looking at his niece in the backseat. “Well Hayley, we’re here!” Artemis announced. 

Hayley had brown hair tied into a ponytail with a yellow ribbon, blue eyes, and wore a yellow and white jacket over a purple t-shirt, black jeans, and brown sneakers. She smiled looking at the window and quickly got out of the car.

“I can’t believe I’m finally going to Dreamworld!” Artemis’s niece beamed in excitement.

Artemis chuckled as he got out of the car, but before he could take a hold of his niece’s hand, Hayley bolted inside the facility.

Inside, Wiatt was setting up Halloween decorations when suddenly the door bolted open and he ended up losing his balance, only to hang onto the decorations for dear life.

Artemis soon followed after his niece, ignoring Wiatt who was struggling not to fall to his death. “Hayley, don’t run off like that!” He yelled.

“Sorry, Uncle Artie!” Hayley replied, giggling.

“H-Hey! A little help!” Wiatt called out.

Artemis and Hayley turned to see Wiatt hanging on to a banner for dear life. “How’s it hanging, Wiatt?” Artemis asked.

Wiatt glared, however, as much as he wanted to curse at him, he saw that Artemis had a kid. “Ha, ha, very funny.” He replied. He tried to use his feet to get on the ladder again, but it was too far away from him.

Hayley saw Wiatt needed help and went over to drag the ladder to him. Feeling his foot touch the ladder, Wiatt was able to steady himself using the banner and wall as a balance.

“Thank you.” Wiatt said, giving a sigh.

“You’re welcome!” Hayley replied.

“Waitt, meet my niece, Hayley.” Artemis said.

“Hi there!” Hayley beamed waving to the mechanic. 

Wiatt gave a light chuckle and waved back, “hi.” He replied.

“Wiatt, do you know if Sara is in today?” Artemis asked.

“She is! She's in a meeting with Lewis and Oliver, so I wouldn’t bother them right now.” Wiatt replied as he continued setting up the decorations.

Artemis and Hayley looked at each other before giving a smug smile. “Okay. Come on Hayley, let's go see my friend.”

Wiatt’s eyes widened seeing Artemis and Hayley walking towards the Employee Only entrance.

“W-Wait! Hold on!” Wiatt yelled. “I said you can’t bother them right now!” He groaned seeing Artemis nearing the door and not listening to him.

Just before Artemis opened the door, the founder trio opened it themselves, having been done with their meeting, and wanting to check on the workers and guests at the facility. Sara froze in shock seeing Artemis was here, earlier as usual. 

“Oh! Y-You’re here.” Sara said, stuttering a bit.

“As I promised.” Artemis replied with a smile.

Sara smiled back and looked at Hayley, “is this your niece?” She asked.

Artemis nodded, “this is Hayley. Hayley, this is my friend, Sara.”

“Nice to meet you, Miss Sara!” Hayley beamed.

Sara chuckled, “She’s so cute!” She commented.

Hayley giggled, “thank you.” She replied.

Sara and Artemis giggled and smiled at each other. Seeing the two wanted to talk alone, Lewis decided to speak up.

“If it's okay with you, darling, may Oliver and I show Hayley around the facility?” Lewis asked.

“Oh! O-Of course.” Artemis smiled, giving a slight blush. Sara was the same, nodding as well.

“Y-Yeah, uh… Artemis come with me.” Sara stuttered as she took his hand. The two looked down and pulled their hands away, blushing harder.

Hayley’s eyes widened as she gave a smug smile. “Ooooh.” She commented. The adults turned towards the kid as Artemis gave a nervous chuckle. He quickly left with Sara to her office for alone time.

Hayley chuckled seeing her uncle in love as Lewis and Oliver began to give the young girl a tour.

Once at Sara’s office, Artemis and Sara breathed in relief as they were able to escape the embarrassment. “Sorry about that. Hayley has a unique personality.” Artemis said.

“It’s fine.” Sara reassured him. “She’s very sweet.”

“She is. It’s funny how she went from a shy little girl to someone open, quirky, and silly as she calls it.” Artemis explained.

Sara giggled in reply.

Artemis sat down and smiled staring into Sara’s eyes. “So… getting ready for Halloween?” He asked.

Sara sighed, “well, sorta…” she replied.

Artemis frowned, “what’s wrong?” He asked. “You work at an entertainment facility! It’s got to be fun!”

“It is. Every month Lewis, Oliver and I come up with ideas for what fun events should take place here. Lewis and Oliver decided to hold a Halloween masquerade ball.” Sara explained.

“That sounds fun!” Artemis exclaimed, but saw Sara was still sad. “Uh, you look bothered, is anything wrong?”

“Well…” Sara paused before taking a deep breath. “I’m not mad about the event, it’s just that Lewis wants this to be a masquerade ball and I’m not good at dancing.” She admitted.

Artemis gave a light chuckle, “that’s not true, everyone knows how to dance!” He exclaimed.

“Not me!” Sara exclaimed. She paused knowing it was a little lie, “W-Well I know how to dance, but like line dancing and just having fun, not ballroom dancing.”

Artemis gave a smug smile and put his hand on Sara’s shoulder. “Well look no further, because I can teach you.” He revealed.

Sara blushed and looked at Artemis in shock. As much as she would love some dance lessons, the thought of it feeling like it’s a fairytale made her blush again.

“N-No that’s fine!” Sara stuttered, turning away to hide her blush.

“You sure?” Artemis asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Y-Yeah!” Sara replied.

Artemis smirked and sighed, “alright I won’t push it.”

Sara sighed and smiled, “thanks.”

Artemis smiled, but he still wasn’t done teasing his friend yet. “So, if you're not into ballroom dancing, what about dresses?” He asked.

Sara groaned as she slammed her head on the desk. “Don’t get me started.” She muffled.

Artemis gave a chuckle, hearing dresses clearly weren’t Sara’s thing. He then looked at the photos on Sara’s desk, and saw one of a young man with blonde hair with his arm around her. “Hey, Sara.”

“What?” Sara asked, her face still covered.

“Who is this handsome man with you?” He asked.

Sara looked up and her eyes widened seeing Artemis looking at the photo of her and Norman. “Oh!” She exclaimed. “That’s Norman, he’s…an old friend.”

“An old boyfriend or just a friend?” Artemis questioned.

“Friend, but he always saw me as his girlfriend.” Sara replied.

Artemis understood, and put the photo down. He was about to ask, but Sara interrupted him.

“We didn’t date. He just had a crush on me, that's all.” Sara explained.

Artemis gave a sigh, but he had one more awkward question to ask. “So do you see me as a friend?” He asked.

Sara felt the blush coming back, as anxiety ran through her. “W-Well! I-I mean we just met so…y-yeah.” Sara stuttered. 

That’s your response Sara! You're stupid! Of course you want to see him more as a friend!  Sara thought to herself.

Artemis smiled, “I’m glad. I see you as a friend too.” He replied.

Sara smiled, that’s a relief. I guess. Glad I didn’t say I love him at that point, She thought to herself.

I think I played it safe by calling her friend. Artemis thought to himself.

What the two didn’t know was Masquerade was watching their conversation. He rolled his eyes before leaving the employee’s only area.

Meanwhile, Hayley was playing some arcade games at  the Arcadescape after her tour. While she played, Mimic and Melody were watching the young girl as Masquerade came by checking on his siblings.

“So how are you enjoying your time here, Hayley?” Masquerade asked.

“It’s great! I’ve been wanting to come here for a long time now!” Hayley beamed.

“Masquerade, Hayley is amazing at this game! She’s about to beat Ben’s high score!” Mimic beamed.

Hayley smiled proudly. She then looked around to make sure no one was listening. “So what did my Uncle talk about with Sara?” She whispered to Masquerade.

Masquerade sighed, “Sara talked about the Halloween masquerade ball, your uncle asked if she sees him as a friend and she said yes, and your uncle replied he sees her as a friend too.” He listed.

Hayley groaned in frustration. “Not again. He’s always like this, he finds someone, says they're friends, and then the person they crushed on gets married to someone else!”

Mimic chuckled, “wow you really want your uncle to not be lonely!” He beamed.

“It’s not that. I can sense feelings a mile away, and I can sense my love meters are going strong!” Hayley beamed. She then saw the “Employee’s only door and smirked, “I just have to break the ice.” Hayley said.

The triplets smirked and decided to help Hayley with her mission. With everyone distracted the triplets went to the Employee’s Only door and ushered Hayley in. Once inside the triplets took Hayley to where Sara and Artemis are located.

“In here.” Mimic said. The triplets and Hayley looked through the door and saw Sara and Artemis talking and laughing with each other.

Hayley chuckled, “I knew it.” She said. 

“You can sense it from here?” Mimic asked.

Hayley nodded, “I told you, I can sense it!” She exclaimed as she made beeping noises. 

The triplets giggled, enjoying Hayley’s personality. However, their giggling stopped as they froze in fear.

Behind them, was Sara and Artemis crossing their arms seeing the kids sneaking into the employee’s only area.

Hayley stopped laughing and turned around, shocked. She then gave a sheepish smile and chuckle seeing they’ve been caught.

“H-Hi Uncle Artemis.” Hayley sheepishly said.

Artemis sighed and rolled his eyes as he carried his niece, which made her giggle. “I’m so sorry, my niece here loves to be sneaky! It happens a lot!” He explained.

Sara chuckled, “it’s fine. My co-workers bring their kids and their siblings here.” She explained, reassuring him.

Artemis smiled, but not before looking down to see Hayley giving him a smug smile. He gave a nervous chuckle, “w-well you must be hungry! C-Come on let’s get something to eat!”

“Well we got food here. I’ll treat you guys.” Sara said.

“Are you sure?” Artemis asked.

Sara nodded, “you got those books for me, it’s the least I can do.”

Artemis smiled, “alright, but just so you know I've got to pay you back for this!”

“We’ll see.” Sara replied.

As she walked off, Artemis smiled and followed his friend out of the employee’s area. The triplets blinked and looked at each other and smiled seeing that Hayley was right, Sara was in love.

In the lobby, Artemis and Hayley sat down as Sara brought over pepperoni pizza for the three of them. “Alright, here you guys go!” Sara exclaimed.

Hayley clapped, and was ready to grab some pizza. However, Artemis stopped her, “what do we say?” He asked.

Hayley sighed, “thank you Miss Sara.” She said, politely.

Artemis smiled, “good, now you can grab a slice.” He said.

Hayley smiled and took a slice of pepperoni pizza and took a bite of it. “It’s so good!” She beamed.

“Glad you like it! It’s Oliver’s secret recipe!” Sara beamed, taking a slice of pizza for herself.

Artemis took a slice and his niece was right, it was good. “I’m guessing how the food was made was your friend’s recipes?” He asked.

“Yep, food was an afterthought, and luckily Oliver knew how to cook and we got these amazing meals!” Sara answered.

Artemis chuckled and smiled lovingly at Sara. The latter blinked and smiled too as she nervously drank her soda.

Hayley looked at her uncle and his friend, and decided to drop it on her uncle, “so, are you sure you're not my Uncle’s girlfriend?” She asked, giving a smug smile.

Sara’s eyes widened as she spit out her soda, not knowing it hit her co-worker, Hayden, who was sitting down with his other co-workers. She coughed trying to apologize for what she did, while Artemis sat down there embarrassed at what his niece just said.

“H-Hayley you don’t just drop that on someone!” Artemis yelled.

Hayley chuckled before eating more of her pizza. Artemis sighed knowing Hayley wouldn’t care.

“You okay?” Artemis asked.

“I-I’m fine!” Sara coughed, “I’m fine!”

Artemis went over to Sara and rubbed her back. She looked up and smiled.

Inside the vents, Winnie watched the whole event play out and chuckled. “Perfect.” He said, his eyes glaring at Hayley.

[4rainynite]

what's your theory about the third and next episode of welcome to dreamworld season 2?

Hard to say. I would like to see these maybe happen:

1.Another animatronic (maybe Melody due to hanging out with Winnie) slowly gains memory.

2. Wiatt disassociating and starts leaning on his cyborg/animatronic side.

3. We learn why Hazel is involved in the facility.

4.Norman sides with Wiatt (he helps with the group's efforts on the side), but plays dumb Infront of Sara/Litho.

That's all I got for now.

[heartattack-tm]

Ch4 Execution: Show You Know!!!

“Wow~❤️ Everyone’s favorite baby!” Kyuu smiled down at all the exchanges of flowers, words, and tears. “As much as I love to watch you all cry we have a gig to get on with.”

She hops up with a big smile to everyone. 

“It’s time to say goodbye, Norman Person. It’s show time!❤️❤️❤️“

[tw for a small suicide mention] 

🎵 🎵

FLASH!

Lights were finally turned on, startling Norman quite a bit as he blinked a few times to get used to the sudden brightness. It didn’t take long for him to regain his bearings, and… Oh god, how was he tied up so quickly?! The man struggled slightly as his wrists and ankles were bound together. He seemed to be seated behind a contestant podium as he was bound to a chair, and in front of him was a big screen, no content showing as of yet. The interior seemed to be that of a quiz or trivia show, and if only he weren’t piss scared right now, he would be confused. Despite every execution before him finished the job thoroughly,  the unfamiliarity made him nervous. Should he be afraid that there weren’t any signs of danger or death, at least not yet, anyway?

Suddenly, the monitor in front of him finally turned on. What was displayed on it was rather simple: big black text that read What is 1+2? In front of white backdrop.

Huh? That was it? They… They were teasing him, weren’t they? They wanted to think that if he answers everything right, then he’ll surely be let go, right? Norman tried to struggle free to no avail. Since his arms and legs were tied with rope, he guessed that he had to answer verbally. “Three.”

Ding ding!

A green checkmark blinked on the monitor. Easy peasy! This challenge was no match for a man with vast knowledge and intelligence! Of course, after he got it right, a new question appeared on the screen.

 When was America founded?

“July 4th, 1776.”

Ding ding! He got it right again! The first few questions were relatively simple and easy, but it wasn’t long until the difficulty increased, as well as the questions being delivered more quickly. A few hard math questions came up as well, but just like a calculator, the blond answered them with ease. This was nothing to Norman, however, as he seemed to be dishing out answers as fast as the questions came. 

How many calories does the average male burn in a day?

“2,800 calories.”

How much sugar is in a 12 case of coca cola, collectively?

“463 grams.”

 Which celebrity was born in Craighton Road, Eltham in 1903?

“Bob Hope.”

In which Woody Allen movie did Madonna play a trapeze artist?

“Shadows and Fog.”

Which country has the fewest trees?

“Vatican City.”

How many countries border Russia?

“Fourteen.”

And they just kept coming, and coming, and coming. And it didn’t seem like it was going to stop, and hell, Norman was okay with that! He was determined-- extremely different than how he was before, and he answered everything like a champ. His expression relaxed a little, not faltering at all. (How cruel, to make something that brings him comfort into a game of death.) Nothing just seemed to make the guy flinch, not even for a second… The questions were getting faster and faster, but not only that, but looks like the theme of them has changed as well…

…Riddles?

Norman gulped. He wasn’t as best at riddles than he was with the previous questions… It involved thinking and each answer depended on how much the individual decided to think outside the box, no? They weren’t factual. They weren’t academic. Riddles can have any answers to them, and the definitive answer really depends on the person asking it… He inhaled and exhaled, hoping he’d get these right, too.

There once was a king who’s heir had died. desperate to find a new heir, he gathers all the village children to perform a simple task in order to see who was worthy: to plant a seed. the king gave every one of the children a seed and a pot of dirt to plant it in, and to come back 5 months later with the pot. 5 months later, all the village children come back with beautiful flowers in their pots, all except for one, a little boy who’s seed has not sprouted at all. Despite this, the king has chosen him to become his new heir. Why was the little boy chosen and not the others?

“B-because er… The king instructed them to plant the seed but not water it. No, its, um… no, because the seeds he gave out weren’t meant to sprout at all. The kids lied…?”

Norman took too much time to think. Time was running out.

A group of five friends decide to visit an abandoned house. Their names are Mary, Daniel, Leroy, Marcus, and Sara. When they make their way to the attic, they find the following: A noose, a knife, an electric chair, a gun, and a vial of poison. They find a note that reads ‘choose your fate–only one can survive.’ Right after reading the note, lightning strikes and all the lights go out. Assuming they choose in order (Mary with the noose and so on), who survives and why?

“The– Leroy, it’s– it’s Leroy because the lightning– it cuts the power! B-but, wait… Marcus has a gun, he doesn’t necessarily need to use it on himself, does he?”

The time kept decreasing.

“He could’ve just used it on Leroy, who couldn’t use the chair…”

The time was shortening.

“So that means Marcus could have survived instead…”

Many-manned scud-thumper, maker of worn wood, shrub-ruster, sky-mocker, rave! Portly pusher, wind-slave.

“Wha–”

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck was 6’ tall and took weight lifting classes?

“H-huh? Wait, you didn’t let me–”

Minus one, minus one, minus one, zero

SHNK

Norman let out a startled and wheezy gasp as a black spear suddenly shot up from the floor, impaling the man. But…

No blood was shed…?

His new wound started to spark and crackle, Norman’s expression growing more anxious as he’d started jerk and twitch unnaturally.

He knew it was coming. He knew it. Then why, why…?

Why was he filled with so much panic?!

He couldn’t have people find out! He DIDN’T want anyone to find out! His struggles started to become more aggressive, desperately trying to break free, trying to forget that everyone now knew he was a fake: fake, fake, fake, fake

He wanted someone, anyone–

But no matter how much he panicked, the questions kept on coming, faster, faster. And the more time he wasted and the more answers he got wrong, the more spears shot through him, and the less time he got to answer anything.

A prisoner is told “If you tell a lie we will hang you; if you tell the truth we will shoot you.” What can he say to save himself? A boy has as many sisters as brothers, but each sister has only half as many sisters as brothers. How many brothers and sisters are there in the family? What is the difference between a school boy studying and a farmer watching his cattle?

They were going too fast!

SHNK, SHNK

He couldn’t answer these! This was unfair! They wouldn’t slow down– they wouldn’t give him time!

SHNK SHNK

You pass someone in the street who is in severe need and you are able to help them at little cost to yourself. Are you morally obliged to do so? You have a brother. You know that someone has been seriously injured as a result of criminal activity undertaken by him. You live in a country where the police and legal system are generally trustworthy. Are you morally obliged to inform them about your brother’s crime? Do you think that assisting the suicide of someone who wants to die - and has requested help - is morally equivalent to allowing them to die by withholding medical assistance (assuming that the level of suffering turns out to be identical in both cases)?

What the hell were these questions now?! He didn’t know the answer to these! One would need a formulated opinion and a steady understanding of morals  to answer these, and even then, there would be no right or wrong answer… right?!

“W-WAIT!! I-I DON’T UNDERSTAND, PLEASE–”

You are able to help some people, but unfortunately you can only do so by harming other people. The number of people harmed will always be 10 percent of those helped. When considering whether it is morally justified to help does the actual number of people involved make any difference? For example, does it make a difference if you are helping ten people by harming one person rather than helping 100,000 people by harming 10,000 people? A charity collection takes place in your office. For every UK£10.00 given, a blind person’s sight is restored. Instead of donating UK£10.00, you use the money to treat yourself to a cocktail after work. Are you morally responsible for the continued blindness of the person who would have been treated had you made the donation? Someone you have never met needs a kidney transplant. You are one of the few people who can provide the kidney. Would any moral obligation to provide the kidney be greater if this person were a cousin rather than a non-relative?

“STOP!!!!”

Rip, tear, crackle, sizzle, clank, scrape, screaming, yelling, as deafening as metal dragging along concrete, the feeling of crusty rust and broken pieces in his throat as he was being maimed. He begged and pleaded and screamed as his lagging voice choked out in metallic tones.

At this point, the poor android being nothing but scrap metal, was whimpering as his pathetic, morbid display of a broken and fake human body was for everyone to see, skewered dozens of times. Despite all his loss, despite all the damage he had taken, despite him barely holding onto his man-made consciousness and the fact he couldn’t even feel the physical pain of it all,

He was crying.

Sniveling, sobbing, hiccuping, whimpering, eyes filling up with tears, as well as static…

But in the end… it was just simulated audio to a regular human’s ears.

Feeling… It hurt to feel. Was it worth it? He could feel his code corrupting. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt just like how it did in the lab. It hurt just like when they would fuck up his data. It hurt it hurt it hurt, but there was nothing he could do about it. Not that he could’ve at all, in the first place. Was he just some toy to be messed with? Was the whole project a joke?

Silence danced within the room as Norman quietly mourned to himself, before a small blip broke the deafness.

Hesitantly, Norman looked up to the screen with the last of his strength.

What is your name?

“…Huh?”

His…name? The last question that would end it all… was asking for his name?

Norman stared tiredly at the screen.

What do you want to be named?

Amongst all the errors, a warm, familiar voice wavered in his databases. In his memories.

His name… His name was…

“N… No-o–or… M-my na–a-ame is… N-Norman Perso–”

SHNK.

All at once, many spears struck through his body, the damage now too abundant and fatal for him to keep functioning. And as each and every one of them started to slowly retract, the android fell forward lifelessly over the podium, eyes pitch black.

Wrong answer.

Norman Person Imitamen Persona V6.2 has been executed

[advocatewrites-blog]

Into the Unknown Part 4 Chapter 1

Into the Unknown

Fandom: Undertale, Coraline (book), Over the Garden Wall, Paranorman, Gravity Falls (season 2)

Characters: Frisk, Norman B., Dipper P., Mabel P., Coraline J., Wirt, Greg, the Cat, the Frog; Sans, Toriel, Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Asgore,; the Other Mother, the Beast, Agatha P., Bill Cipher, Asriel D., Chara D.,

Pairings: Not the focus. Alphys/Undyne, with mentions of Papyrus/Mettaton, sans/Toriel/Asgore, and Wirt/Sara. Due to the nature of Undertale and the dating segments, there is also interpretable Papyrus/Wirt, Undyne/Mabel, Alphys/Dipper, Napstablook/Norman, Mettaton/Norman, Mettaton/Mabel, Sans/Dipper, Sans/Norman, and Sans/Greg.

Rated a high +K for violence, mild language, horrific elements that may be disturbing to younger readers,  mentions of child abuse and bullying, character death that is sometimes permanent, and mentions of suicide that may be triggering. These elements remain relatively unchanged from their source material, which most all are for children, but discretion is advised nonetheless.

Disclaimer: Undertale was created and owned by Toby Fox. Coraline was created by Neil Gaiman and owned by Bloomsbury and Laika. Over the Garden Wall was created by Patrick McHale and owned by Cartoon Network. Paranorman was created by Sam Fell and Chris Butler and owned by Laika. Gravity Falls was created by Alex Hirsch and owned by Disney. Any other work mentioned or homage are property of their respective owners. This is a fan-made, nonprofit work that only seeks to entertain. Please support the original franchises.

“so I’m a sentry in snowdin forest, right? I sit out there and I watch for humans. it’s kind of boring. fortunately, in the forest, there’s this HUGE locked door. and it’s perfect for practicing knock-knock jokes. so one day, I’m knocking ‘em out, like usual. I knock on the door and say ‘knock knock’. and suddenly, from the other side…I hear a woman’s voice.

“‘who is there?’ so, naturally, I respond. ‘dishes.’ ‘dishes who?’ ‘dishes is a very bad joke.’ Then she just howls with laughter. like it’s the best joke she’s heard in a hundred years. so I keep ‘em coming, and she keeps laughing. she’s the best audience I’ve ever had. then, after a dozen of ‘em, SHE knocks and says ‘Knock knock!’ I say, ‘whos there?’ ‘old lady!’ ‘old lady who?’ ‘Oh! I did not know you could yodel!’

“wow. needless to say, this woman was extremely good. we kept telling each other jokes for hours. eventually, I had to leave. Papyrus gets kind of cranky without his bedtime story. but she told me to come by again, and so I did. then I did again. it’s kind of a thing now.”

The human is still listening, eyes wide and mouth full of burg. Its LV is at 5, meaning it’s still definitely a murderer. But it’s hard to remember that after seeing it pass through the puzzles his bro set up with a smile on its face, watch it engage with them. Watch it Spare.

“one day, though, I notice she wasn’t laughing as much. I asked her what was up. then she told me something strange. ‘if a human ever comes through this door…could you please, please promise me something? watch over them, and protect them, will you not?’ now, I hate making promises. and this woman, I don’t even know her name. but, someone who sincerely loves bad jokes…has an integrity you can’t say no to.”

He doesn’t know what he’s thinking. He can’t shake the boat in a meaningful way; everything is on a schedule, and nothing he does changes. But he has to know.

“do you get what I’m saying? That promise I made to her…do you know what would have happened if she hadn’t said anything? buddy…

You’d be dead where you stand.”

He didn’t mean to speak so forcefully; slip out of his font and use the tone he uses when he Judges. But the effect is immediate. The human’s eyes widen in fear and it runs still.

In a way, that’s all the answer he needs.

But then it starts crying. The other occupants of Grillby’s start to look at them, and he squirms under the attention. It raises its hands and starts to move them. It’s crude Hands, not helped by how much it’s trembling. He manages to get most of it.

Didn’t mean—accident—thought she would stop—didn’t know—not me—not myself--

How old was this kid anyway? It’s shorter than he is, and that’s saying something. Their hands shake too much and there are bruises on their legs and under their sweater. Old enough to kill? You don’t commit genocide on accident, but if they were half as upset about it then as they were now…

What did they mean by not myself?

I’ll fix, they sign. I’ll go back and save her. I promise.

*RESET

He sees it that time. The world stops. He watches it move backwards, like someone were rewinding a tape.

sans wakes up in his bed, like he always does. Usually, it takes him a long time to gather up the energy to restart the timeline again. He’ll lie in bed until Papyrus wakes him up and demands he go to work, and sometimes after that. This time, however, he jumps out of bed and makes some corrections to his notebook.

don’t trust them

Four are the Stars An Undertale/Gravity Falls crossover By the Poor Sap Advocate

Chapter 1

“How’d you think we ended up down here?” Dipper asked as he looked around.

“We fell, of course,” said Mabel, who was in the middle of making herself a daisy chain out of the more squished golden flowers. She gestured upwards, where just the faintest glint of blue skies and sunlight could be seen.

“Do you remember falling down somewhere?”

“Nope!”

“I don’t remember Gravity Falls having any mountains big enough for…this,” said Dipper.

He tried thinking back to what happened. He remembered Mabel was planning a party for the reopening of the Mystery Shack, they were hanging out in the gift shop…flashes of red and blue…then nothing.

“And how are these flowers growing, anyway? There’s like no sunlight down here!”

Mabel looked back down at her daisy chain in confusion.

“Do you still have your grappling hook?” Dipper asked. “Maybe we can—”

Mabel was in the air before he could even finish that sentence. She loved using the grappling hook, especially when she had a legitimate reason to use it.

Mabel scaled upward towards the highest ridge of the cliff. She grabbed onto the ridge with one hand, then jumped as she tried to grab the ledge above. Her hand stop on the sky. There was a loud booming noise, as though someone has struck a gong. The sky began to ripple like waves in a lake.

Mabel tumbled back down onto the golden flowers.

“MABEL!”

“What was that?” Mabel said as she sat back up, as though nothing had happened. “It feels like I just ran into a wall.”

Dipper’s mind started racing. There was something at the top of the mountain, something not normal. More Gravity Falls weirdness to investigate.

He took another look at Mabel and the distance she fell, and decided he would investigate it once they were looking down at it again.

“There’s a cave this way,” said Dipper. “We can probably hike our way down from here and see if there’s another entrance that’s not blocked by paranormal entities.”

Mabel pulled herself off the ground and dusted herself off.  “You lead the way, bro!”

She had a new sweater on, a blue and violet striped design with a red heart in the middle. And for some reason, it felt very familiar to Dipper.

Frisk found themselves in the woods once again.

It was not the Unknown again, they put together quickly. It felt too…different. In fact, if it weren’t for the heat and the sun above, they could have thought they had made it back to the forests in Snowdin. It felt like magic was in the air.

Another thing different from the Unknown was how quickly they were able to find humans. And how many there were in one place. The sounds of crowds and traffic were audible within seconds, and they wandered towards its source.

It was hard to describe what they found. It was less of a house and more of a hovel.

“Alright, step right this way! The first tour of the new and improved Mystery Shack!”

The Cat wouldn’t be able to find them for a while. They could kill time, at least. Frisk wandered into the group and hid behind legs.

They were actually surprised that they were found so quickly. The Mystery Man leaned close to them, one eye inspecting them closely.

“Don’t think I didn’t see ya sneak in, kid,” he said. “Your parents in this group?”

They shook their head and shrugged.

“You gonna pay your way in yourself?”

They had to dig through their pockets a bit, but they managed to find a gold coin from the Underground and handed it to him. What shock he had that a child was carrying gold wore off on him quickly. He inspected it carefully, even going so far as to biting on it, before deciding he was satisfied and turned back to them.

“I don’t see too many kids with solid gold on them,” said the Mystery Man.

Frisk responded by giving him another gold coin.

“Good answer! Right this way, kid!”

Dipper took a step, and fell through the floor.

This was about the fourth time he had done that, and frankly it stopped being funny after the second. Mabel propped herself up on the pedestal and waited for him to come back.

“Hey, Froggit, you’re looking good today!” She called.

The Froggit in question gave an embarrassed burble, dropped a few gold coins, and hopped on its way.

“Why do they have so many puzzles leading up to their house?” Dipper asked as he emerged from the vent system.

“Maybe it’s a monster thing,” said Mabel. “Did the journal have anything about a kingdom of monsters?”

“Not that I remember,” said Dipper. “I just wish Grunkle Stan had given the journal back before all this happened.”

He took another step, and fell through.

Mabel took a bite out of the spider doughnut.

“Ew…crunchy…”

Dipper tumbled back upstairs.

“No journal’s gonna make you good at puzzles, bro,” said Mabel.

“The answer’s down there,” said Dipper. “I just can’t remember it all the way. Here’s another question: why would monsters have puzzles that are so easy to solve?”

“Maybe they’re just waiting for a stupid enough human to solve them,”

“They wouldn’t be waiting for human down here.”

“Toriel was.”

“And you trust her?”

“What?” Mabel asked. “She’s a delightful goat mother, how suspicious can you be of her?”

“I’m just saying,” said Dipper. “We’re stuck in the land of monsters, you were literally bounced off a shield preventing us from escaping, I almost got killed by a flower, and there’s this nice old goat woman who wants us to be her children.”

“You’re just being over-suspicious. She’s perfectly fine!”

“There is something I must do,” said Toriel. “Please stay here.”

She put her book down and made a beeline for the staircase. Dipper’s blood ran cold.

“…perfectly fine….” Said Mabel.

“We’re going,” said Dipper, already running to catch up with Toriel.

“That was a pretty cool snail fact though!”

It was hard to describe the Mystery Shack. If Frisk had to, they would say it was not worth the 2G. The decorations were fake; some insulting so, and some just insulting. The real mystery of the mystery shack was how readily everyone bought it.

They exited through the gift shop, fitting considering the rest of the tour, bought a map of the area with what gold they had left, and returned to the woods.

They had hiked through the forest long enough that they were decently hidden when it started to get dark. The Mystery Man may have taken their gold, but it was unlikely that anyone else would.

There was still no sign of the Cat.

Once they found a clearing far enough away that they wouldn’t be spotted, they curled in on themselves and fell asleep.

They were only asleep for about an hour when they woke up to the sounds of the Cat’s low growl.

He stood in front of them, ready to pounce. His eyes were focused on the bush in front of him, so much so that Frisk wondered if he could even see them. When they shifted and waved at him, he jumped into the bushes.

A very human-sounding voice screamed out.

It took Frisk a few tries of trying to grab him and pulling his tail to get the Cat to withdraw from the bush. Something was in its mouth. No...someone.  They were humanoid, barely the length of Frisk’s arm. Most of their hair was tucked under a red cone of a hat.

It was some kind of monster, Frisk realized. A gnome, if they had to guess.

Frisk looked to the Cat disapprovingly. The Cat rolled its eyes, but put the gnome down all the same.

The gnome didn’t respond. It ran past before Frisk could ask it any more questions.

The Cat said something, complaining about the gnomes trying to capture him and ride him into battle, but Frisk was only half paying attention. There was magic in these woods.

Author’s Note:

[theurbanologist]

Hub Fans Bid Summer Welcome

Summer is inevitable.

It does not care if we are ready for it. The progression of time measured in hours, days, weeks, and months or other markers leads to its arrival. 

And here it is, bright and hot.

Every year I find that its presence is felt a bit more acutely.

When I woke up on my trip across the country 25 years ago, I always wondered what each summer day would bring. There was so much to do, so many new sidewalks, and the hope of new conversations.

I still feel that excitement, even if it does take me a bit longer to get up, aided by the promise of coffee to help shake things loose.

In that spirit of shared urban experiences, I recently asked a few Boston friends to tell me about what they like to do in the summer.

Their words inspire me as my own work continues this summer on my book.

* * * *

Stroll on the Greenway - Running between Chinatown and the North End the Greenway includes lots of fun spots in between. Take in the changing plantings, what’s blooming, what’s about to. Find your new favorite art. Watch the clever birds flocking in the trees around this “Harbor Fog” sculpture. They‘ve figured out the cool fog is motion-activated. On hot days, they await the next walkers and then swoop down through the cool mist.

At the North End, grab lunch at the Boston Public Market (buck a shuck or lobster rolls at Red’s Best, Ramen at Noodle Lab two faves) and eat in or picnic in the park.

Speaking of the North End, grab a sandwich at Monica’s on Salem St and maybe even a split of wine along the way for an impromptu picnic. Don’t forget the best cannoli from Maria’s.

At the other end, Chinatown holds many delicious treats, too. Relax in the garden, and take a photo safari capturing the iconic images like the paifang or gate, the fountain, the roast ducks hanging in the windows, or numerous murals. (If you want to learn more and taste more, come join me on a Chinatown Tour!)

Harbor Walk is the bright point in the Seaport development boom. Enjoy the fire pit while watching the sailboats on the harbor.

The ICA has a beautiful view, and built in steps. Summer Thursdays it’s the place to be for free music concerts.

https://www.icaboston.org/calendar/harborwalk-sounds

Taking a walk along the Charles or in the Public Garden. Bring your phone or camera and snap some IG ready or postcard shots. Check the fountain commemorating the advent of ether. Imagine the early days of surgery? Yikes.

It’s a beautiful fountain and a nice corner of the park. (Arlington and Marlborough, in case you did not know)

Admission is free to the BPL and the BPL offers discounted and free passes to many museums in the city (plan ahead). The Gardner is free on some days and many discounts apply (is your name Isabella? You get in free! Is it your birthday? Free!) check both sites for more details.

Jacqueline Church, is the founder of Boston Chinatown Tours. She can be found Between Dumplings, strolling the Greenway, the harbor  walk, or otherwise eating and drinking her way around the city.

A concert by the Landmarks Orchestra on a Wednesday evening at the Hatch Shell on the Charles River Esplanade in July or August. These free concerts are a great treasure in our city and they are an excellent way to spend an evening. It is beautiful to watch the sun go down over the Charles River as well while listening to some excellent music.  

Another great summer activity is the Dewey Square Thursday evening block parties on the Greenway.  Admission is free and the beer and wine is cheap and the setting is energetic.  

It's a nice way to end the day or start the night.

Adam Castiglioni is a Boston hospitality expert.

You can buy snacks aboard the Harbor Islands ferries, but that’s a rookie move.

Varsity level is this: stop for your favorite bagel along the way, arrive at Long Wharf early enough to snag a copy of Spare Change News and lounge in one of the Adirondack chairs inexplicably placed seaside.

The bagel is for once you’re on the boat, watching the skyline shrink as you approach Spectacle Island. But it never goes away.

There’s plenty to see on the island - the sea glass, the nature trails - but the city’s most peaceful summer moment is to be found laying afloat in the harbor, partially submerged, watching that skyline and heading only waves, feeling both relaxed and energized, linked to both the modern city and the timeless ocean, at once a part of the city and refreshingly apart from it.

Katie Lannan reports on Massachusetts political matters for Statehouse News.

My grandfather used to say that South Boston was the city’s best kept secret.  The neighborhood is surrounded by Boston Harbor, we are close to downtown, and it’s rich in history, making it one of the best neighborhoods around.

Taking a walk on Day Boulevard along the beaches is a simple summer joy. Start at Carson Beach and walk your way along the beach line all the way out to Castle Island.  I always plan to stop at Sullivan’s for some fried clams or an ice cream.

On Thursday evenings in the summer you can enjoy a sunset tour of Fort Independence.  Free tours are also available on Saturdays and Sundays from 12pm-3pm. Another Southie summer bucket list item for me is to to head to Coppersmith’s Airdeck.

This gorgeous spot has a view of the city skyline, tasty food, and pitchers of red and white Sangria served via a vintage Airstream trailer-turned-full service bar. It’s a bit of heaven right here in Southie.

Maureen Dahill is the publisher of Caught in Southie and a South Boston resident.

The best place in Boston for families to be in the summer is Castle Island. It seems like everyone in the city knows this fact already: The cars routinely back up all the way to the Farragut statue on a nice weekend day.

What’s the appeal?

Well, there’s the inexpensive food at the Sully’s snack stand, for one. My go-to choice is the baked haddock. Not quite Legal Sea Foods, but better than most restaurants in Southie, and half the price.

There’s no better vantage point in the city to watch the various jets and boats come in and out of Boston’s port. Every foot of the 2-plus mile loop around Pleasure Bay offers great views for cyclists, runners and walkers. (The grilling/picnic area is also unlike any other in the city – it’s why so many parties get held there.) The causeway barriers help ensure deep enough water for swimming, even if the tide is low. If you’re lucky, you’ll find hermit crabs hanging out just below the surface.

And this is all in the shadow of a 19th century granite fort. (If you time it right, you can get a free tour of the spooky corridors behind those walls.) Getting there can be challenging, given the traffic. Best to park by the statue on or near Farragut Road and walk the boardwalk to the island. (Several Southie bus lines also swing down Farragut). Or show up later in the day, as sun-weary visitors make their departures, opening up parking spots.

Jon Chesto is a business reporter at the Boston Globe.

Boston and I first met on an idyllic family trip, many summers ago. 

We sank into the sunny days, savoring the luxury of a week away from work and school and predictable pursuits. Adventure, please! 

We hiked the Big Dig-era Freedom Trail, toured museums, marveled at the Aquarium. The city skyline, a silver streak rising from the sea, dazzled without being showy. The red cobblestones and black lanterns of Beacon Hill held magic, like an old stage set we’d stumbled across from another century. 

Tired but ready to keep going, we refueled with fresh ice cream on Newbury Street, a jaunt through the long-lost fairy-and-griffin shop, and an afternoon race through the Coop’s tall fortress of books.  There were fried clam rolls loaded high and quiet, calmer moments in Old North Church. For a week, it seemed like early American history held still enough for us to see it. Click!

Every year, as the swan boats begin their stately circuit in the Public Garden, I smile over that summer. For, a little lighter after the students’ exodus, Boston still has many charms. 

Take the newly renovated central Public Library, which opened in 1895 as “a palace for the people.” Sun-dappled pockets of shade set off the courtyard, a favorite reading nook. Murals by John Singer Sargent, Puvis de Chavannes, and Edwin Austin Abbey share real estate with shifting art exhibits, live concerts, miles of manuscripts, and plenty of books. 

Walk through worlds at the Norman B. Leventhal Map Center. Page through President John Adams’ personal library. Dig into transcribing anti-slavery archives. A lunch hour spent in the Boston Public Library, lost between the lions, can make your summer sing.

Sara Georgini is a historian at the Massachusetts Historical Society and series editor of the papers of John Adams. 

Here are my thoughts on a good (possibly great) summer day in Boston.

For me, a good start to a summer day in Boston would be to get an egg & pepper omelette on a bulky roll from Sammy Carlo’s on Bennington Street in East Boston. Steve Schire and his family have owned the business for decades and it reminds me of the morning bustle I’ve found in other locales, including Chicago’s Valois (Cafeteria) and the long-gone Tio’s in Seattle.

Take that sandwich over to Constitution Beach and watch the planes take off from Logan Airport. Go stand on the pedestrian bridge over the Blue Line and think about “Where are they all going?”

After a time, you might say “Where I am going?”

Jump on the Blue Line at Orient Heights and take the train inbound to the Aquarium. You’ll pass under water, but you won’t get wet, which is always a treat. Up, up, up and away to the Long Wharf, which used to be much, much longer, but times change.

For a few bucks, you can get on the passenger ferry here to Charlestown and the shipyard where the USS Constitution resides. It’s the cheapest way to get on the water, short of jumping into Boston Harbor, which quite frankly, sure it’s clean these days, but yeah, no thanks.

The 15 minute ride lets you see the vertical expansion of East Boston writ large in upscale residences and a range of pleasure craft bobbing along. You can spend a few hours wandering above the shipyard, up and down and around Old Ironsides and around Dry Dock Number 2, which is just as good as Dry Dock Number 1 and do not left anyone tell you differently.

Even if you have been here before, you’ve never been here with the teeming throngs you’ll find that day, and if you listen closely, you’ll hear a new set of reactions to Boston, cities, and tourist locales that you’ve never heard before. People make stories about places through the stories they tell. And when we listen to those stories that they tell we have new stories.

[gokinjeespot]

off the rack #1156

Monday, March 20, 2017

 It's the first day of spring but you would still think it's the dead of winter here in Ottawa. I hear it snowed in Vancouver recently too. I don't consider spring starting until I can't see anymore snow on the ground around our neighbourhood. I figure that will be the middle of April this year. I've already seen a robin at our house though. We put up a bird feeder last fall and it attracts many birds. Mostly house sparrows but we see finches, juncos, nuthatches, chickadee-dee-dees and our favourites the cardinals and woodpeckers. The male cardinals are bright red-orange and the females are a mocha coffee colour. We have had downy, hairy and pileated woodpeckers come and feed. Watching the birds outside our window is like watching fish swim around an aquarium. Very calming. Until the undesirables show up. Starlings and squirrels snark up a lot of feed and scare away the little birdies. The squirrels have gotten so brazen now that I have to go outside to shoo them off the feeder. I used to be able to do that just by banging on the window. Stupid squirrels.

 We lost one of the greatest comic book artists on March 18 when Bernie Wrightson succumbed to cancer and passed away. I have always been a bigger fan of the art side of our hobby and Bernie's art gave me goosebumps. His pen and ink work was stunning. Rest in peace Mr. Wrightson.

 Punisher #10 - Becky Cloonan (writer) Matt Horak (art) Frank Martin with Guru-eFX (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). I'm disappointed in Matt. This whole issue takes place at a sea port in Newfoundland and he didn't put one Canadian flag in any of the panels. Even a little one would have been nice. It looks like another dire situation for Frank but the bad guys screwed themselves. You'll see the obvious giveaway, but maybe I'm wrong.

 Uncanny Avengers #21 - Gerry Duggan (writer) Kevin Libranda (art) Dono Sanchez Almara with Protobunker (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). If there's a fill-in artist who makes me just as happy to read this book as when regular artist Pepe Larraz draws it, then it's Kevin Libranda. I liked how Deadpool found a way to defeat the Red Skull's Professor X powers. I wonder if they're going to bring back old Charles.

 Batman #19 - Tom King (writer) David Finch (pencils) Danny Miki, Trevor Scott & Sandra Hope (inks) Jordie Bellaire (colours) Deron Bennett (letters). The art in this issue is pretty awesome. Part 4 of "I Am Bane" has the big bad guy wading through Batman's rogues gallery one by one. Almost every Bat villain you can think of get's his licks in. odd that there are no women. I was also bothered by the fact that they're all loose inside Arkham asylum. How are they going to be get back in custody? The last page leads into the inevitable final battle between Bane and Batman and I want to see who wins. Like I couldn't guess.

 American Gods #1 - Neil Gaiman (writer) P. Craig Russell (script & layouts) Scott Hampton (art) Rick Parker (letters). I started a list of books I want to read after the Snail closed because I found myself with a lot of extra time. American Gods by Neil Gaiman is on that list. I've been told what the premise of the book is so I had a bit of background going into reading this first issue of the comic book adaptation. Reading the comic book is going to enhance my reading of the novel when I get around to it because I will visualize Scott's depictions of the characters in my head and they are very nice ones. The back-up story "Somewhere in America" by P. Craig Russell (script & art) and Lovern Kindzierski (colours) was a hot piece of erotica about unsafe sex. This gets added to my "must read" list.

 Totally Awesome Hulk #17 - Greg Pak (writer) Mahmud Asrar (art) Nolan Woodard (colours) Cory Petit (letters). This hasn't been a solo book for the last few issues with Amadeus hanging out with his friends but I am still enjoying it. This issue is a good place to start as the team has to figure out a way to save themselves and some civilians from being eaten by aliens. You could call these guys the Asian Avengers because what happens in this issue gives them something to avenge. If you jump on here you won't want to jump off until you read the next issue.

 Batwoman #1 - Marguerite Bennett & James Tynion IV (writers) Steve Epting (art) Jeromy Cox (colours) Deron Bennett (letters). Kate chases after a mystery woman from her past after dealing with a terrorist in Istanbul. I like how she's teamed up with Julia Pennyworth.

 Kill or be Killed #7 - Ed Brubaker (writer) Sean Phillips (art) Elizabeth Breitweiser (colours). This issue features Dylan's ex-girlfriend Kira, now with purple hair instead of red. I'm glad she's still hanging around because boy does she have problems. We start off during a session with her therapist and get a lot of background. I love this kind of stuff because it makes the characters more engaging. Kira might need an emergency session after she decides to do something stupid at Dylan's place.

 Monsters Unleashed #5 - Cullen Bunn (writer) Adam Kubert (art) David Curiel & Michael Garland (colours) VC's Travis Lanham (letters). Okay, Kid Kaiju comes through to save the world from the Leviathon Mother, showing up all the Marvel super heroes. I guess that's why he's getting his own book. Look for it to hit the racks on April 19. Unless it's drawn by an artist that I really like I will take a pass. The Kid's creations are more suited to fans of action figures or Saturday morning cartoons than an old coot like me.

 Super Sons #2 - Peter J. Tomasi (writer) Jorge Jimenez (art) Alejandro Sanchez (colours) Rob Leigh (letters). This is great. I don't know why but I love really well written comics about young super heroes like this and Champions. Maybe it's because I can't let go of being a kid. Damian and Jonathan have to deal with Super Lex in order to get a lead on Kid Amazo, the very bad boy they're after. Everything doesn't go smoothly and then, uh-oh, their dads find out about what they're doing. I can't wait to see what happens next.

 Wild Storm #2 - Warren Ellis (writer) John Davis-Hunt (art) Steve Buccellato (colours) Simon Bowland (letters). This 24 issue series is very ambitious and there are a lot of players involved. If I was a new reader I would be wondering who are these people? Some people work for International Operations (IO) and some people work for Halo. The two organisations don't like each other and they're both after Angela Spica, the Engineer. I hope that helps with getting into this story. One of my favourite things from the old series was the Door which could transport people to different places. I think we're introduced to a new Door this issue and she's a lot better looking than Lockjaw.

 Ms. Marvel #16 - G. Willow Wilson (writer) Takeshi Miyazawa (art) Ian Herring (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). I like this story about a malevolent computer virus and it looks like Kamala can't defeat it. That is until she gets a clue from her old pal Bruno. I can't wait to find out how Doc.x gets deleted.

 Superman #19 - Peter J. Tomasi & Patrick Gleason (writers) Patrick Gleason (pencils) Mick Gray (inks) John Kalisz (colours) Rob Leigh (letters). Part 3 of "Superman Reborn" looks like it might resurrect the pre-New 52 Lois and Clark. I hope not. That would confuse me to no end and then I would get annoyed and stop reading these amazing Superman books. Patrick draws the creepiest Mr. Mxyzptlk ever. I wonder if they're going to do the saying the imp's name backwards thing?

 Guardians of the Galaxy #18 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Valerio Schiti (art) Richard Isanove (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). I love these issues featuring one team member. Angela's up this time around and it's a beautifully drawn fight scene between her and some alien bounty hunter. The issue ends with a major threat heading for Earth. It starts with Th and rhymes with anus.

 Spider-Man #14 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Sara Pichelli (art) Justin Ponsor (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). Nothing serious between Miles and Gwen despite what the cover shows. This is one of those issues that annoy Bendis detractors because nothing really happens. The heroes hop from one dimension to another and each wind up in different ones by the end of this issue. I can easily forgive because of Sara's art.

 Mighty Thor #17 - Jason Aaron (writer) Russell Dauterman (art) Matthew Wilson (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). The gods of Asgard and the Imperial Guard of the Shi'Ar finally come to blows in part 3 of "The Asgard/Shi'Ar War". Meanwhile Thor can't seem to win much in the challenge of the gads against the Shi'Ar gods Sharra and K'ythri. Mjolnir is sure getting a workout though. This book is not only chock full of action but it's visually stunning as well.

 Amazing Spider-Man #25 - Dan Slott (writer) Stuart Immonen (pencils) Wade von Grawbadger (inks) Marte Gracia (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). I wish you didn't have to pay $9.99 US for this one issue starting off "The Osborn Identity" story. That's a bit much for one comic book don't you think? Sure you get a bunch of back-up stories but none of those really matter to the main story. You do get 40 pages of Stuart and Wade goodness though, so why couldn't they have printed just that and charged $4.99 US? As you can probably tell Norman Osborn is back so the Green Goblin can't be far behind. I did like the team-up with Mockingbird with a hint of Peter and Bobbi possibly becoming more than friends. Here are the other stories that pad this issue. A fight with Clash by Christos Gage (writer) Todd Nauck (art) Rachelle Rosenberg (colours) VC's Travis Lanham (letters) which has the old "it's not what you think" twist at the end. A silly Tsum-Tsum story for the younger readers by Jacob Chabot (writer) Ray-Anthony Height (pencils) Walden Wong (inks) Jim Campbell (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). Thank Thor that was a blessedly short 6 pages. A Parker Industries mishap at their Shanghai facility by James Asmus (writer) Tana Ford (art) Andres Mossa (colours) VC's Travis Lanham (letters). A young Spider-Man story about a boy and his dog by Hannah Blumenreich (writer & pencils) Jordan Gibson (inks) Jordie Bellaire (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). Some Aunt May gags by Cale Atkinson which were even sillier than the Tsum-Tsum story. And finally to ease the pain of having to buy an overpriced comic book, the return of another Spider-Man nemesis. One thing that "The Clone Conspiracy" did was bring back Otto Octavius, Doc Ock. He now has a youthful body thanks to Miles Warren's cloning process. So meet The Superior Octopus by Dan Slott (writer) Giuseppe Camuncoli (pencils) Cam Smith (inks) Jason Keith (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). He's bad-ass now plus he's got Hydra backing. Here's a prediction: Somewhere in the future Peter and Norman have to team up to fight Otto and Hydra.

 Archie #18 - Mark Waid (writer) Pete Woods (art & colours) Jack Morelli (letters). This issue proves that love is blind. Archie and Veronica have nothing in common and should not be together. Betty and Dilton Doiley are more compatible. I wish I was Dilton Doiley.

[2dudesgethitched]

Spelling Dad from ADD.

  “How do you feel about children?” he asked me on that magical Christmas Eve in 2008. We are at too large of a table for two people on a patio of ribbons, decked halls and twinkle lights. Ooooh, pretty lights sparkle so. We waited for our coffee drinks under trimmed trees, gay apparel donned. The crowd at Aroma Café was heavy with packages, burdens from the shopping that is a draw to the Tujunga Village part of Studio City. I love the idea of a hamlet in the land of hams. I need more irony in my diet. People banged about like cattle down a chute. Calling Temple Grandin.

 My ADD is self-diagnosed and provides me ample amusement; sometimes others get to share in the joy that is my rambling. The stream of consciousness that I surf regularly makes me a fine Improv actor but an ineffective bureaucrat. Years later someone would shout “Squirrel” and I completely understood a cartoon dog’s pov.

 Christ, he just asked me something. Focus, Hubble, focus. If my self-narration annoys feel free to substitute Neil Patrick Harris voice or Sara Jessica Parker’s. My patter might be more palatable. How do I feel about children?

 Michael’s bright blue eyes, red cheeks and pale pallor defined the ‘Richie Cunningham’ description our mutual friend Rob had promised. Ha. Red, white and blue. He’s pretty cute, shivering in his p-coat. The lyrics to “American Boy” popped up. Stifle, silly ADD, stifle. Listen to the cute boy who is saying all the right things. I had arrived early to the date. I had armed myself viewing all the pictures he had posted on his MySpace. He had a butt-load of friends and loved the beach. I knew we had at least that, Tom & Rob as common denominators. He was tall, handsome and quirky. Our previous phone conversation confirmed quirky.

 “Hello, Villa Cosa Nostra, Michael speaking, how may I help you?”

“Is this Michael Vinton?”

“Tis I” Tis I. Tis I? I’m calling a boutique timeshare and got transferred to a Renaissance Faire Restaurant?

“This is Tony Spatafora, Rob Hahn’s friend.” Beat. Beat.

“Oh. Hi..”

“I know you’re at work, is this an okay time to talk?”

“Let me put you on hold for a second? Thanks.” Boom. Gone.

 He is so Googling me now. I think. Or he’s shuttering his work-hag so he can come back to the call a little more centered. I can’t wait to hear what comes back on the line.

 “Heeeeyy, “ a much cooler cat returns. “How ya doing?”

“Fine. “ Eyeroll. Stop Spats, don’t be such an egotistical putz. “Rob Hahn said to give you a call and that we should probably get together.”

“Yeah. He said.” Ice, ice baby. Who sang that, I wondered “So, what’s up….”?

Saints preserve me.

“Listen, I know you’re at work. Why don’t you give me a call when it’s convenient and we can set something up?”

“Cool, man.” Oh, this kid is killing me. Did I mention that my angel is 14 years my junior? Yeah. Apply considerable mockery here, I deserve it.

“I’ll just get your cell, and get back to you.”

“Fine, ” I’m not finished playing with my food, “but let me ask you three things: Dog or cat?”

“Dog.” He’s confident.

“Boston or New York?”

“…New York.” He vacillated.

“And finally, like garlic or love garlic.”

“LOVE garlic.” He wins. I spit game like no other. Who sang that damn song??

“Okay. You may call me back.”

Laughter.

 I thrive on acid tests and omens. I believe The Universe will give you signs when you are falling behind in it’s choreography. You are encouraged to free style only so often. Don’t waste your moment to jump in the abyss. Your pants can only get wet one of two ways when you dance. Go big or go home, I think I’d read that on some ones Friendster. I am so full of myself I should hang Charmin off my belt.

 I had seen him heading to the café from a quaint store in the Village. In fact he had stopped in the window in front of my to check his hair. The afternoon was windy. Norman Rockwell snow falling lightly would have completed the picture. Oh, my. He is a cutie. Those eyes were so blue. I stalked him down the sidewalk praying there would be more preening to mock later to my besty Sue. He walked like a man, firm and grounded while sporting an angel’s face. These omens are good. I couldn’t wait to hear from ‘Tis I’ what made this guy tick.

 Michael turned around in front of Aroma to find me, hot on his heels. He laughed and I gave him the big loving hug I like to share with my nearest and dearest. I wanted to warm his heart on this holiday night before we both had to race back to work. I would learn later that he really welcomed that hug as it was to be his first Christmas away from his wonderful family in Charlotte, NC. He was a little sad and in need of some familiar love. The guy has the big heart of a softie I would learn. Tick tick tick, boom goes the heart.  

 I thought he was shivering. He kept squirming over his shoulder then craning his neck back to me. Does he have a tic? He kept exhaling over his shoulder. I was intrigued; did I step in something while hunting my prey down the mean streets of the San Fernando Valley? He finally calls out the chair dancing he’s doing as being gassy today & also he is from a very gassy family. I got a fuzzy image of the holidays with the family. He was trying to subtly burp. I got that. Cool.

 “How do I feel about children? You mean as a family or laborers in my families sweatshop in New Haven?” More Charmin, senator? Truth was I did want a family. More than anything else I have ever wanted. I wanted to focus all that I am into people who would hopefully, one day, go out and use their powers for good. I have the biological family, the chosen family, the work family, and the Partridge family. I had a lock on “Back-up singers” and caregivers that all had a special place in my heart. I was finally ready at 40 to have a family unit. Children, progeny attendants whatever you want to call them. I was ready to raise.

 I hoped that in raising children, I would raise myself. I had always been a selfish impulsive prick. I could leave disaster in my wake better and brighter then most boobs my age. I’d been there, done that and brought back the t-shirt in two sizes (for my fat + fit days) Glib is an understatement to describe me, Crazed is another. Children would allow me to put all the attention I had put into myself to a positive end. My epic life experiences and families would help lift the children up; it takes a village I have been told.

 I had always seen myself with a large family. That was how we grew up in CT and I wanted to create something similar. Economics and Biology being what it may, it was going to take extra work and love but above all it would take the right mate to accomplish this with. Michael told me he had seen a similar vision but did the typical blanch one does when finding out there might be five more just like me out there in the world. Silly man, he has no idea.

 All of my wonderful family had paired up and reproduced. There are thirteen amazing nephews and nieces with birthdays to remember and events to celebrate. Being as far away as I am in Los Angeles can fray the nerves. The day to day growth of the kids gets away from you when updates aren’t delivered regularly. It is much easier to share around a family dinner table or a get together in state. Time flies and raising kids seemed to occupy and awful lot of it. Notes for later, I would record. I wished for a village that can act locally and think globally I guess.  I have a Village People cd I haven’t played in a while.

 And sometimes it takes a Village Idiot. Burpie and me made nice and I dropped a few more witty pearls of banter. We clicked on many levels. We had both thought we would have been priests, except for that annoying celibacy thing. We loved music. Our families were the most important things in our lives. Our dreams were huge. We wanted to see the world but above all wanted children. Oh, and grandchildren too.

 Well this was going to be tough, being two men and no little lady. We appear to be Biologically Adjacent to speak Angeleno, in the act of conception. There were to be a few extra steps to get our family unit to the amazing holiday card ready cast that my friends had biologically created ad nauseum. We would have to decide about Adoption; Domestic or International? Foster to Adoption; how old the child will we go? Surrogacy; who’s friend to raise a turkey baster to in this above generous gift they were providing? Surrogacy when not related in love or blood; do we find these people on Craigslist, Angie’s List, Facebook? There was to be much to learn but I had a feeling that Michael was the one to make the journey with.

 Real it in Spats, I chanted. Let’s not put the station wagon in front of the horse. If this really was a ‘traditional valued’ gay man I couldn’t rush the situation and would have to let this unfold. Guys like this were few and far between. Chill baby, baby, chill baby baby. Really ADD? Vanilla Ice? I’m hipper than that.

 Actually, I’m not getting any younger as people would tell me and FYI get a move on when they stop telling you this. It might be the Universe giving you a reality check to start listening and fall into line. Tick Tock, Tick Tock goes the biological clock. Wait, what? I was forty but determined. Many great people I knew personally had started their families late in life. I have energy to boot and an inner monologue that wouldn’t shut up. I am going to rock this fatherhood thing into the next stage of my life and hum show tunes for lullabies.

 I held his hand as we walked out of the café. It was in part a thank you for sharing so much of his sweet soul as he had his time on a crazy Christmas Eve. His eyes are illuminating. There was a sense of promise in one so gassy. I saw a fuzzy family unit off in the future, a pin prick of light, each day growing closer and larger. It came into frame and I saw the tall person in the image was wearing a p-coat and an enormous, toothy smile.

 OH, SNAP! It wasn’t Vanilla Ice, it was C & C Music Factory. Mmmmm. Things that make you go Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.  I am too old for ‘oh, snap’ I remind myself. Yet I’m not too old to learn. Papa, Dad, Daddy; I like it. I wonder what I’ll be when I grow up.

 Cue the music.

[advocatewrites-blog]

Into the Unknown Part 4 Chapter 3

Into the Unknown

Fandom: Undertale, Coraline (book), Over the Garden Wall, Paranorman, Gravity Falls (season 2)

Characters: Frisk, Norman B., Dipper P., Mabel P., Coraline J., Wirt, Greg, the Cat, the Frog; Sans, Toriel, Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Asgore,; the Other Mother, the Beast, Agatha P., Bill Cipher, Asriel D., Chara D.,

Pairings: Not the focus. Alphys/Undyne, with mentions of Papyrus/Mettaton, sans/Toriel/Asgore, and Wirt/Sara. Due to the nature of Undertale and the dating segments, there is also interpretable Papyrus/Wirt, Undyne/Mabel, Alphys/Dipper, Napstablook/Norman, Mettaton/Norman, Mettaton/Mabel, Sans/Dipper, Sans/Norman, and Sans/Greg.

Rated a high +K for violence, mild language, horrific elements that may be disturbing to younger readers,  mentions of child abuse and bullying, character death that is sometimes permanent, and mentions of suicide that may be triggering. These elements remain relatively unchanged from their source material, which most all are for children, but discretion is advised nonetheless.

Disclaimer: Undertale was created and owned by Toby Fox. Coraline was created by Neil Gaiman and owned by Bloomsbury and Laika. Over the Garden Wall was created by Patrick McHale and owned by Cartoon Network. Paranorman was created by Sam Fell and Chris Butler and owned by Laika. Gravity Falls was created by Alex Hirsch and owned by Disney. Any other work mentioned or homage are property of their respective owners. This is a fan-made, nonprofit work that only seeks to entertain. Please support the original franchises.

Chapter 3

“Behind you.”

Dipper tensed up at the Echo Flower’s message. The sound of metal footsteps grows closer.

“Don’t tell me she’s right behind us,” said Dipper.

“Okay,” said Mabel.

“Seven,” said Undyne. “Seven human souls. With the power of seven human souls, our king, King Asgore Dreemurr, will become a god. With that power, Asgore can finally shatter the Barrier. He will finally take the surface back from humanity, and give them back the suffering and pain we have endured. I suppose…he will have a use for two. But first, however, as is customary for those who have travelled this far, I will tell you the story of our people. It all started long ago…

“You know what? SCREW IT! WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU THAT STORY?? WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO DIE?? NGHAAAAHH!!!!!”

In a fluid motion, Undyne ripped off her helmet. One eye glinted in the low lights of the Waterfall.

“You two!” said Undyne. “You’re standing in the way of everybody’s hopes and dreams! Alphys’s history books made me think humans were cool…with their giant robots and flowery swordswomen. But you? You’re just cowards. Your life is all that stands between us and our freedom! Right now, I feel everyone’s hearts pounding together! Everyone’s been waiting their whole lives for this moment! When everyone puts their hearts together, they can’t lose! I’ll show you how determined monsters can be!”

Undyne summoned her spear. Dipper’s Soul leaped out of his chest, and turned a bright green color.

“Wait, what does the green do?” Dipper asked.

“Unless you learn to face danger head-on, you won’t last a second against me!!” said Undyne.

Undyne attacks.

A set of bullets in the shape of arrows fly past Dipper. A few break apart as they collide with Dipper’s Soul, bouncing off some sort of shield. Most don’t.

“When I said face danger head-on, I MEANT DODGE THE BULLETS!!!”

“The Kingdom of Monsters resides in these mountains, within the caverns of Mount Ebott,” said one of the heads of the Multibear. “There is a path in this cavern that connects this cavern from this one, but know this: there is no way to exit once you enter.”

With everything else that had been going on, Frisk had nearly forgotten about the Barrier. It was just going to be something else that they did, they decided.

“We will find a way around that,” said the Cat.

“You are determined, then,” said the Multibear. “It will serve you well. We creatures of the forest have long forgotten about Mt. Ebott. The Barrier has shielded us from our brethren for centuries. It would be relieving to be reunited, don’t you agree?”

Frisk nodded again. The Cat squirmed, but they could not tell why.

“I can take you as far as the Barrier, but no farther,” said the Multibear. “And I suggest you prepare in advance.”

“It is quite late,” said the Cat. “If nothing else, I would like the chance to rest.”

“Then I await your return,” said the Multibear.

She disappeared into the shadows again. After a few moments, Frisk heard the sound of an Icelandic pop song in the distance.

They hardly paid attention to the Manutaur’s chorus of boos as they left the cavern. The Cat climbed up onto their shoulders.

“We should head back into town,” said the Cat. “We both need food and rest, and it would not hurt for you to find something you can defend yourself with.”

Frisk nodded. To be honest, the humans scared them more than the Multibear.

“HEY! WHAT’S UP?! I WAS JUST THINKING…YOU, ME, THE OTHER HUMAN, AND UNDYNE SHOULD ALL HANG OUT SOMETIME!! I THINK YOU WOULD MAKE GREAT PALS!!!

“Papyrus this is not a good time for that!” Mabel shouted into the phone as she dodged arrow bullets flying towards it.

“COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE PUNKS!!” Undyne shouted. She was right behind them.

“OKAY! LET’S MEET UP AT HER HOUSE LATER!”

The Waterfall area ended, as suddenly as if Mabel had stepped into another room. The new area was hot and dry, and the dark cave walls became a heavy shade of red. Mabel looked just below her the cliff sides and saw pools of magma.

Undyne was still behind her.

Mabel looked back up and fought the sudden urge or vertigo. She ducked around the corner, and came face to face with a familiar skeleton.

“SANS!” Mabel cried. “sans, help us out!”

sans did not stir from his sleep.

“Come on!” Dipper shouted as he caught up with her.

Undyne was right behind them.

Mabel ran, and the sounds of metal footsteps became more distant. The sounds of Undyne screaming at sans replaced it. There was a sound of a rimshot from…somewhere, and then the metal footsteps increased.

Undyne was right behind them.

Mabel and Dipper spun around and faced her. Mabel looked at Dipper for any indication he had a plan. It was clear he did not.

Undyne took one step towards them. Then another. Then she fell over.

“Oh,” said Dipper. “Well that was anticlimactic.”

The smell of sushi wafted in the air, reminding Mabel of Mermando. And then she realized.

“Wait, she’s a fish! She’s drying out in her armor!” Mabel turned to Dipper. “We have to help her! Do your reverse CPR!”

Dipper glared at her.

“I’M SERIOUS THIS TIME!”

“Okay, fine, I’ll…” Dipper trailed off as he looked for his plan. He settled on a water cooler tucked into the corner. “Fine!”

The water cooler was naturally rather slow, but that was the only part of the plan that was. Dipper raced to and fro as he filled his cup and propped Undyne up in a position needed for CPR. He threw the water into his mouth, and sealed his lips with Undyne.

Once Undyne regained consciousness, she was not very happy about the situation. But she did not say anything. She did not attack them again. She took one long look at them, and left.

“That was awkward,” said Dipper. “Promise me you won’t hold that against me.”

“Of course not!” said Mabel. “But what should I tell Papyrus when we go on our date with Undyne?”

Dipper froze.

“You did not.”

“It was Papyrus’s idea!”

There was a pie sitting out on the windowsill by the diner. Frisk vaguely recalled that was a good way to cool it. The only person she had ever seen bake was Toriel, but she never put her pies out because there was no wind that could have cooled it.

The thought of stealing made their stomach flip. They remembered the monster candy in the Ruins, and how they never stopped feeling bad about it until the bad runs. But the flipping in their stomach would be much worse if they didn’t steal.

The gnomes beat them to it.

“Hey, kid, this is our stash!” said one of the gnomes. Frisk vaguely recalled them as the one the Cat had chased.

The Cat hissed. Most of the gnomes stiffened, but did not otherwise move. The leader reached for another gnome by the beard, and held the sharp point of their hat out like a knife.

Frisk made a motion for the Cat to stand down. It was not worth a fight.

“Good,” said the gnome as he put the other gnome down. “And while we’re at it, can you…um…”

He made a few vague motions for Frisk to grab the pie. They obliged, and handed it down to them.

“Thanks kid!” He called as the gnomes scampered off.

“Really?” said the Cat. “We’re going to have to find our own food now.”

Frisk shrugged.

“Hey kid!”

The Mystery Man stood behind them. He shifted uncomfortably as Frisk looked at him, and avoided eye contact.

“You uh…wouldn’t happen to be looking for someplace to eat, are you?”

Frisk nodded.

The Mystery Man folded his arms over his chest. “Don’t suppose you would want to come with me then?”

Frisk nodded again, this time more enthusiastically.

“Fine. But you’re paying!”

Frisk stuck their tongue out playfully. It reminded them of sans, and of good times.

The diner was small and cozy. It looked to be on the verge of closing, and only one waitress was still out.

“Hey Stan!” She greeted. “Care for a late night snack?”

“Hey Susan. Split me a quarter of the Number 7, and a side of ketchup for the kid,” said

“You got it!”

The waitress left, and they were alone.

“So, uh…” said Stan. “Your parents around here, anywhere?”

Frisk shook their head no.

“So, summer camp or somethin’?”

Frisk shook their head no again.

“You’re on your own then?”

Frisk shrugged.

Stan fell silent for a moment. He was still avoiding eye contact.

“Don’t talk much, do ya?”

Frisk shrugged again. They could feel the Cat’s tail flicking back and forth against their leg. He probably was not sure whether he should speak up or not.

“Well,” said Stan. “Do you at least have a safe place to stay for the night?”

Frisk was not sure. The clones had offered them a camping spot, and they did have the clearing where they spent the night before. But with the Manutaurs against them, it might not be the safest place to stay.

“Well, you know where the Shack is. You might have to compete for a bed with the goat…or with Soos…but it’s better than nothing, believe me,” said Stan. “We were supposed to be having a party tonight, but…guess that ain’t happenin’. It’d be nice to have some kind of company.”

The waitress came back with the food. Stan started to stand from the table.

“Go ahead and put it on my tab, Suze,” said Stan. “I gotta get goin’. Make sure Soos closes down right, and see if the kids haven’t come back yet. You take care, kid.”

Stan walked out, and then it was just Frisk and the Cat.

The ketchup healed quite a bit. Frisk was actually rather surprised. They guessed that was why sans drank it all the time.

“OHO! THE HUMANS ARRIVE!”  said Papyrus. “READY TO BECOME TOTALLY BEST FRIENDS WITH UNDYNE??!”

“Yeah, Papyrus, I don’t think—” Dipper started.

“You bet!” Mabel said.

“GREAT!!! WE ARE GOING TO BE THE BEST OF FRIENDS!!!”

“I don’t think she’s going to want to be friends with us,” said Dipper, to nobody but himself.

“Hey Papyrus,” said Undyne as the door opened. “Ready for your extra special one-on-one training?”

Undyne looked differently than when they had last seen her. She was out of her armor, and into a casual outfit of sweat pants and a tank top. Her scales were much more visible than before, as were the muscles they covered. Her hair was still tied back, but it was much looser than before. She did not look like the kind of person that would have chased two kids to their death.

“YOU BET I AM!!! AND I BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS!!”

“Hi, I don’t think we’ve—” Undyne stopped as she got a good look at her guests. She spoke through gritted teeth. “Why don’t. You come. Inside?”

Papyrus gave the twins a look, danced on the welcome mat as he tried to clean his boots, and walked inside. Mabel gave him a look and followed suit.

Undyne’s house was ordinary as well. In fact, it was rather cute for someone who was the head of the Royal Guard. Yet the air was thick with tension.

Papyrus did not seem to notice.

“OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?!?” Papyrus said “I HAVE TO UM…USE THE BATHROOM! I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!!!”

With that, Papyrus promptly flung himself out the window. It was a while until Dipper heard the landing thud outside.

“I hate it when he does that,” said Undyne. Her attention turned towards them. “So why are you here?”

“We’re here to become friends!” said Mabel.

“Really?” Undyne asked. “How delightful!! I accept! Let’s all frolick in the fields of friendship! …NOT!”

The light that was in Mabel’s eyes quickly extinguished.

“Why would I ever be friends with you?” said Undyne. “If you weren’t my houseguests, I’d beat you up right now! You’re the enemy of everyone’s hopes and dreams! I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FRIEND. Now get out of my house!”

Papyrus’ head poked back in to what was supposed to be the window.

“DANG. WHAT A SHAME. I THOUGHT YOU TWO COULD BE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS WITH UNDYNE. BUT I GUESS…I OVERESTIMATED HER. SHE’S JUST NOT UP TO THE CHALLENGE!!!”

He was gone as quickly as he arrived.

“CHALLENGE?” Undyne roared. “He thinks I can’t be friends with you? Fuhuhu!! What a joke! Listen up humans!! We’re not just going to become friends. We’re gonna be BESTIES. Now why don’t you two have a seat?”

There was no one at the Mystery Shack when Stan returned. So he did what he usually did on a late Thursday night. It was what he did most nights, and it was what he was planning on doing before the kids talked him into a party.  It just so happened that tonight was a more involved process.

It won’t be long now.

The vat of radioactive waste collided with Stan’s toe.

“HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES!” He shouted. “Wait, if no one’s here, then I can swear for real! SON OF A—”

“Excuse me,” a new voice spoke up.

The vat shook more as Stan jumped towards the source. A black cat, the same one that hung around the strange kid, sat on the counter.  He had seen the Cat talk before, when he had spotted the kid trying to steal Lazy Susan’s pie. At that point, however, he was doing his best to forget the gnomes that had followed them. The fact that the Cat had spoken was shocking, but it was just more Gravity Falls weirdness.

It won’t be long now.

The Cat eyed the vat.

“Oh, just go ahead and ignore that,” He said, feeling just a bit foolish.“The kid here too?”

“Yes,” said the Cat. “And they are asleep. I would appreciate if you don’t wake them up. We have a long day tomorrow.”

“Think the town’s gonna form an angry mob to chase you out?”

“No,”

“Then it’s not my problem,” said Stan. “TV’s in the other room, if you make off with the cash register I’ll be very impressed but I’ll still hunt you down.”

“Noted,” said the Cat. “Pleasant dreams.”

It’s been a long time since he’s had any pleasant dreams, but it won’t be long now.

With Undyne on a mission to befriend them, it was surprisingly easy to talk to her.  They talked about the Underground, whether or not Papyrus would ever join the Royal Guard and how Undyne met Asgore. They talked about Gravity Falls and the Surface, what kind of weaponry humans wielded and whether or not ice cream men are preludes to terror.  

(It took Dipper a while to realize that, despite everything, they have yet to have a problem with the ice cream man. This was probably a good thing.)

It was only when Undyne stood to get them more tea when the atmosphere turned tense again.

“Wait a second,” said Undyne. “Papyrus’ cooking lesson…he was supposed to have that right now!! And if he’s not here to have it...THEN YOU TWO WILL HAVE TO DO!”

Undyne jumped onto the kitchen counter. The containers of tea and hot chocolate collided to the ground.

“NOTHING has brought Papyrus and I closer than cooking!” said Undyne. “So if I give you the lesson, WE’LL BECOME CLOSER THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE!!!”

She jumped again, and landed on the broken kitchen table. She seized the twins up by their hair and bounded towards the stovetop.

“FIRST WE’LL MAKE THE SAUCE!” said Undyne.

Mabel and Dipper were dropped onto the stovetop. She stomped on the ground, and a set of vegetables fell from the ceiling and onto the counter.

“Envision these vegetables as your greatest enemy,” said Undyne. “Now!! Pound them to dust with your fist!!”

“I didn’t think cooking was such an involved sport,” said Dipper.

Mabel, however, couldn’t be more excited. She swung her fish down and squashed the solanum.

“THERE YOU GO! NGHAAAH!!!” said Undyne.

She swung her spear down. The vegetables exploded.

“We’ll just scrape that in a bowl later,” said Undyne. “Now, we add the noodles!”

She stomped again, and two pots fell perfectly onto the stovetop. With another passionate cry, she flung something towards the twins. Mable fumbled for a second before she caught it.

“Just go ahead and put them in the pot,” said Undyne.

“You got it, boss!”

Mabel ripped open the box and threw it in. It collided with the empty bottom.

“As a general rule of thumb, the more you stir the pasta, THE BETTER IT BECOMES!!” said Undyne. “Ready?”

“Don’t you need to add water?” Dipper asked.

“LET’S DO IT!”

Mabel stirred as fast as her arms would let her. Undyne summoned another spear and beat it until the pot was collapsing in on itself.

“Now for the final step: TURN UP THE HEAT!!” said Undyne. “Let the stovetop symbolize your passion! Let your hopes and dreams turn into a burning fire! Don’t hold anything back!!!”

Mabel turned the dial, and turned it, and turned it more. She only stopped when she noticed the pot catch on fire.

“Okay, maybe that’s--”

“HOTTER, DAMNIT!!” Undyne cried as she reached over the stovetop.

The flames rose.

“Man,” said Undyne. “No wonder Papyrus sucks at cooking.”

Dipper was too busy trying to not catch on fire to notice.

“So what’s next?” Undyne asked. “Scrapbooking? Friendship bracelets?”

“Yeah!” said Mabel. “Let’s do it!”

“Oh who are we kidding? I’ve been defeated. My house is in shambles. And I failed to make you two my friends,” said Undyne. “I guess some people aren’t meant to get along. But that’s okay. Because if we can’t be friends…THEN I CAN DESTROY YOU WITHOUT REGRET!!!”

Undyne summoned her spear again.

“Wait, wait don’t!” said Dipper. “We still want to be your friends! Really!”

“AN ALL OUT REMATCH ON BOTH SIDES! IT’S THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO REGAIN MY LOST PRIDE!!” said Undyne.

Mabel looked at Dipper, and the twins hatched a plan.

They lightly shoved Undyne into the counter.

“What?” said Undnye. “That’s the best you can manage?”

“We still want to be your friends,” said Mabel. “And friends generally don’t destroy other friends!”

Undyne looked lost for a minute. Eventually, she closed her eyes and sighed. Her spear faded before it could fall to the ground.

“I don’t want to hurt you, either,” said Undyne. “You two remind me of someone I used to train with.”

Author’s Note: Originally I had this great scene planned that the Cat had to enlist Stan into helping him save Frisk from the Blind Eye...but it didn’t pan out the way I wanted it to. So instead have a feelings chapter.