#Shawn Mendes fanficiton

[princecharmingmendes]

Heart by Heart | Chapter XI | Raul Mendes

                                             *secret agent AU*

Y/N and Raul have been friends ever since they could remember. And falling in love with your best friend can be pretty tricky and messy 99% of the times, add that to the fact they're constantly risking their lives side by side on the field since they're both secret agents, and the best team that's ever existed. Perfect recipe for disaster.

Hello, can't believe this series is almost over! This is the eleventh chapter of this series and I'm sorry in advance, too many cliffhanger, I know, but at least this is a positive one, right? You can find the first ones here. Please read the warnings on this one, if you don’t feel comfortable with the contents listed on the “warnings” section, please read something else, there are a lot of other works on my masterlist and on the “fic rec” hashtag on my blog. Please give me some feedback and I hope you guys like. Happy Reading!

                      previous chapter | masterpost | next chapter

*Word Count: 3.4K+

*Warnings: cursing, violence, mentions of blood and guns, kidnapping, hostage situation, angst, and another cliffhanger (a good one though!).

Please don’t read it if any of this subjects make you uncomfortable, feel free to check my masterlist for other writings.

*Posted: September 23rd, 2021.

                                                 -*-

Y/N felt her conscience slowly coming back, blinking her eyes open and closing them again at the throb on the back of her head. She groaned at the stiffness of her muscles as she tried to apply some pressure on the sore area, and tried to sit up straighter. As soon as she was able to open her eyes and for them to adjust to the darkness, she swept her gaze around the room, trying to identify any differences from the last time she was awake. She was quick to notice Tommy sitting, now conscious, agains the wall he was tied to, watching him stare as a random spot on the floor. 

She sighed in relief before calling his name softly, her voice hoarse from the lack of use and lubrications from water, her throat burning at it “Tommy, you okay?” she was only able to notice the black eye, that was on his face ever since she found him on that basw, was getting darker due to the normal process of inflammation and healing. 

His head snapped up in her direction and relief flooding his senses was palpable “Oh my God, you’re okay, holy shit” making her chuckle at his surprised tone.

“Yeah, I’m okay, are you hurt? Did they hurt you?” she asked trying to identify any important wounds as he shook his head “did anyone come here to talk to you?”

“No, but someone came to check on you” he replied and she nodded.

“Did I took long to wake up?” 

Tom shook his head “I mean, I was also unconscious, but ever since I was up, maybe an hour or two, it’s hard to be 100% sure in here” he confessed and she nodded in reply “we’re you up before?”

“Yes, Geonoff came to talk to me a while ago, he got pissed at me and knocked me out again” she said with a shrug as Tom’s eyes widened at that. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N, I should’ve never come to this mission, I only fucked things up and you’re in danger because of me, I’m so sorry” Tommy started rambling and begging for forgiveness.

But before he could take things too far, Y/N gave a brisk shake of her head, which she regretted almost instantly as the pain returned stronger, making her wince. 

“It’s not your fault, he already knew, and it’s okay, everyone makes mistakes, I can’t count how many times I had to save Raul’s ass and it’s okay, it’s our job” she said watching his shoulders slump even more.

“He’ll never forgive me for getting you involved in this, if we even get out of here, but I promise I’ll do everything I can to get you out of here safe” Tommy promised in a rush. 

Y/N’s eyes softened at that small confession “Tommy, he doesn’t blame you, he never could”

“How can you be so sure?” he asked, his voice small and a little broken. 

“Because I know Raul better than anyone” she said gently, giving him the best reassuring smile she could manage “you’re a lot more valuable than you think, kid, ‘sides, you’re in our family now, and Raul would never let me die when I’m clearly winning out little bet, he’s coming for us, both of us”

Tommy nodded his head still a bit discredited, before a curious gaze replaced partially the worry frown on his face “what bet?”

She smiled at the memory of their first year on the company “Raul and I have been friends since our childhood, right?” and Tommy nodded at that “and ever since our first training I was a great shooter, and Raul the ever cocky thing he is, decided to bet he was better at it than me, so we placed a bet, every time we hit a target we earned a point, and we’ve been scoring ever since, and I’m winning”

Tommy laughed shaking his head “of course you are”

“He’ll come for us, don’t worry about it, we just have to find a way to get out of here in case they take too long to figure out where we are” she said with a sigh.

“Well, I think I noticed a pattern on the people on this floor” he said with a shrug and she smiled at him. 

“I’m listening”

                                                -*-

“Raul, you should probably take a nap and relax for a while, man” Jack said as he watched his friend running his hands through his curls, his shoulders slumped and posture visibly tense.

“I need to get them out of there, and to do that, we need to know where they might have been taken” he said with a sigh, rubbing his eyes before looking up and Peter and Janet, that were both staring at him with soft and worried eyes. 

Celine was the first to speak after a couple moments of silence “okay, let’s try one more time, and then you’ll rest for at least thirty minutes, deal? We’re here for at least four hours, Mendes”

“Okay, fine” Raul conceded with another sigh as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on the table in front of him.

Celine wasn’t lying and he understood his coworkers worries, he knew they’re all trying their best to get Y/N and Thomas back, but he still felt like he needed to do everything he could to help everyone. They’re locked in a small room, with a single computer as he went on and on, listing every single place they saw him going or coming from for the past weeks, Celine and Jack helping, Janet trying to add others they haven’t mentioned and Peter typing down and trying to track activities. 

But they’re weren’t able to come up with anything. 

They’ve been sitting around a small wooden table taking notes, Peter’s fingers flying over the keyboard, as Celine sat on the corner of the room on top of a counter and Jack paced around. Janet, despite the clear distress in her eyes seemed the most composed one, while Raul was a mess. 

Everyone was visibly drained and needing a break, but Raul was going to try at least one more time before giving in and taking some time to rest. So he started again, listing on chronological order all the places, from his work to the gym Geonoff went, he told Peter again, but nothing knew came, and he stated the last one with an annoyed huff. 

“Anywhere else? Maybe an accidental meeting or something when you weren’t on the job?” Peter suggested and everyone shook their head.

Jack groaned rubbing his temples “that rat is smarter than he should be, that gross son of a bitch gets away with everything, even when he tried flirting with Y/N in front of Raul and you didn’t lose your mind, when I did that as a joke you almost punched me”

“Geonoff was hitting on Y/N?” Janet asked with an arched brow, to which Raul nodded silently. 

Celine rolled her eyes before adding “he was kind of obsessed with her, he even talked about her when she wasn’t anywhere near him, we were lucky he wasn’t a stalker, probably thanks to Raul”

“How do you know he wasn’t a stalker?” Jack questioned turning to Celine. 

With a shrug she answered simply “because he never showed up whenever they’re just hanging out at random places around town or at her building”

And that’s when it clicked. Raul snapped his eyes that were previously focused on a tiny spot on the floor to Celine. 

“That’s not true” he was quick to say “when we were on our day off, I took her out to dinner close to the docks”

“That date night thing?” Jack asked and Raul nodded “and he was there?!”

“No, we went there to a nice restaurant, and as we were done, we went to a shop next door for ice cream, and as we were having it outside, talking by the water, he came out of a boat with a couple of men and came to us”

“A boat?” Janet asked with wide eyes.

“Yeah, I’m not saying he was following us, but I don’t remember any boat activities being tracked, maybe she’s at his boat or something” Raul guessed but Janet shook her head. 

“My grandfather had a boat hangar thing on the other side of down and a marina on the docks where you went with her, I’m almost sure it got closed down when my grandfather passed, but maybe he never sold it and it’s still there, just empty and slipping out of our radar” Janet suggested almost cheerfully.

“Peter?” Celine asked.

“On it” he mumbled, eyes glued to the screen in front of him “do you remember the number of the storage?”

“Twenty seven” Janet replied quickly. 

Raul’s heart was almost beating out of his chest, waiting for his brother’s analysis in silence among the others. Peter’s eyes never left the screen as he checked for any sign of suspicious movement or even the image Geonoff himself around the area. 

“Are you one hundred percent sure it’s deactivated?” Peter asked turning to their boss with a frown on his features, to which Janet nodded “well, then this might be the place”

“What?!” Jack squealed. 

“I can’t prove anything or be too sure with what I found, we’d need to watch the area a bit better, cause the movement is almost insignificant, but is there, here, look at this” Peter pointed at his screen “this person is walking by, right? He was supposed to come from here” he said switching cameras “but he didn’t show up on the other side, which is weird”

Janet was on her feet in a second, leaving the room quickly, her voice echoing down the hall as she ordered the other agents to investigate every millimeter around the hangar they just found and report immediately at any suspicious movement and/ or man around the area for the past 48 hours. 

Celine squeezed Raul’s shoulder, making him look up at her “we’re gonna get them back” he was able to give her a small smile with a nod “now let’s rest for a couple of minutes, at least until these computer nerds find something worth invading and breaking, which is what we’re good at, yeah?”

“Hey!” Peter interrupted without looking up at them.

Celine chuckled at him “nothing gainer you guys, you’re cute even, we’re the dumb brute ones around here” she said with a wink, making Peter’s face tint pink, making Raul and Jack laugh. 

                                                -*-

In less than three hours they were able to find enough movement around the storage from Janet’s family for it to be suspicious enough and be enough evidence that Geonoff might have kept Y/N and Thomas in there somewhere, probably in the lower level. So in that time they’re able to come up with a tactical force to extract them both, and another team to wait for a signal so they could invade and find as many Reyes’ men they could to arrest, and maybe Geonoff himself. 

Raul would be leading the small team, mostly Celine, Jack and two other experienced agents, to retrieve their coworkers and send the signal as soon as they’re found and armed to leave. While that happened, Janet would be waiting to lead another larger team, with agents that had just arrived with that purpose. Peter would be replacing Y/N this time to guide them inside better and coordinate the arrests with local and national authorities as well.

Raul was unable to rest properly, but was forced by his friends to at least lay down for half an hour so he could at least relax the tiniest bit possible under those circumstances. 

But as soon as Peter informed there was enough reason for them to invade, he was up on his feet, already helping plan every movement the team would make and offering himself to do whatever they needed to get this done. Soon enough he was in his tactical gear, weapons strapped to his chest and an earpiece securely in place. 

The initial jitter he felt ok the beginning of this mission was gone, now the reason for his bouncing leg, nervous tugging on his curls and generally agitated state was for a completely different reason. Raul just needed to mae sure Y/N and Tommy were okay. Not because he was in love with her or saw himself as some sort of protective figure in Thomas’ life. Of course that counted, but the main reason was that he felt insanely guilty for abandoning his teammates when he was the captain, he should’ve never done that. It was his job to get them back into safety and he failed. Both of them.

And he knew Y/N would be scowling at him if she was around, listening to him whine about how bad of a captain he was, she would’ve poked him in the chest telling him to “shut up and stop acting like a baby, ‘cause he did the right thing and that’s all that matter, that he couldn’t control everything and it was part of the job”, or something like that. He needed his best friend back. 

So they hoped on a van and we’re taken to the place, stopping a couple of blocks before arriving so they’d be less likely identified before entering the building. Peter guiding them through coms so they could be caught in any surveillance cameras, since Geonoff’s men could be using them to watch for anyone that could possibly want to invade. And with not so much effort, they’re able to climb in through a small window on the back, unnoticed until that moment, as they searched quickly around before moving forward for the investigation. 

“The basement is two floors down” Peter’s voice ringed in Raul’s ear.

And despite the news he felt of reaching Y/N as fast as he possibly could, he led his team as carefully as he could, avoiding every movement that indicated there was some close by on watch. After a couple of moments they hit the bottom floor, searching quickly inside the few rooms around, but being met with only darkness and silence. No sign of them. No sound, no source of light or anything, not even guards around. 

Raul looked back at Celine, who looked a lot more distressed than he was used to seeing, as he gestured at the last room around, Jack quickly approaching and trying to break the lock, but only to take a step back with a confused frown on his face. And before they could ask him what was going on, Jack only pushed the heavy door open, hun in hand as he stepped inside. Raul and Celine shared a look before following him.

The room was almost pitch black, their flashlights making the silver of chains shine as they flashed on then. Raul approached the wall, seeing both pairs tossed around and poorly opened, seeing clear signs of struggle near them and small droplets of fairly fresh blood on the floor, making his stomach sink. They’re there, not long ago, but they’re nowhere to be found and Peter didn’t catch them on any cameras inside and out the hangar. 

Celine let out a tiny gasp as realization hit her, Jack being quick to grab her arm “don’t jump into any conclusions, we have no clue of what happened in here and no evidence of the worst either”

“What is there to miss, Jack?!” she asked in a hushed tone, pulling her arm back and keeping it close to his chest. 

Jack sighed as he walked to Raul “hey dude, we gotta keep going, if we stay here for too long they’ll find us and this won’t help Y/N’s case at all, we can keep on looking”

Raul shook his head, trying to wrap his mind around it, but before he could say or do anything stupid, Peter’s voice sounded in his ear “Geonoff is on the second floor! Everyone needs to go now!” but he couldn’t move a single muscle. 

“Come on, guys” Jack was quick to call, tapping Raul lightly on the shoulder and moving to the door, but as soon as he realized his friends weren’t behind him, he turned back to find them placed exactly where they were “guys?”

Nor Raul neither Celine answered. She kept her wild gaze on Raul’s face, as if she was waiting for his orders to follow, and he was pretty sure that if, in that moment, he asked her to unleash her anger on anyone standing in front of them, she would without questioning. But he knew they had to keep moving, he couldn’t put their lives at risk as well, so he shook his head.

“Come on” he said abruptly and Celine nodding and turning to follow Jack into the narrow corridor again, moving in the direction of the stairs.

But as they’re approaching the stairs, they heard the sounds of boots thumping against the steps moving in their direction, and he knew those weren’t their agents, those were probably the enemy, coming into a small space where they’re clearly outnumbered and had no place to run to or hide.

“Raul, you guys need to get out of there, there are over seven man approaching you and you can’t draw too much attention or Geonoff’s gonna flea” Peter called through his ear piece and he knew, he agreed, but he didn’t have much to do, but he nodded either way.

He signaled for Celine and Jack to get ready and squeeze as hard as they could against a wall to try and hide as best as they could behind a locker so they’d at least have the element of surprise in case of an attack. And as he heard the low voices in hushed tones of men approaching, he uncollected the safety and nodded to Jack and Celine to prepare. Raul took a deep breath and waited for the first shadow to appear by his feet, but it never came.

Instead he heard several hard thuds, grunts and the sound of bodies falling to the floor before anyone could complain. The three of them stood there hidden with wide eyes, not knowing what to do, since they had no clue what had happened and were still apparently flying under the radar. And before he could come up with any crazy idea to get them out of that situation, he heard a heavenly sound of a soft giggle.

Raul’s eyes widened as his heart threatened to beat out of his chest and burst into a million pieces at the same time, his legs almost giving out. But at the sound of her sweet voice, he almost fell down to his knees, leaving his partially hidden spot only to be met with Y/N and Tommy standing a couple of feet away from him with a triumphant smile on her lips, the seven men lying unconscious by her feet. He swears he died and was in heaven. The thought quickly pushed aside as he heard Celine and Jack’s shocked gasps at the sight in front of him. 

“Took you guys long enough” she said with a shrug and they kept staring at them in shock “what?”

“How did-” Celine started but cut herself off still in shock. 

But before Y/N could answer, Raul took three long strides avoiding stepping on anyone and pulling her into his arms tightly, feeling finally at peace as he felt her body molding to his in their embrace. 

Y/N let out the tiniest giggle, before pressing a kiss to his hair “it’s a long story I’ll tell you guys later, now we have to go” she added tapping Raul on his shoulder, bringing him to look at her “by the way, you need to score three more points for me, I’m still winning out bet” she finished with a wink.

And in the first time in more than twenty four hours, Raul felt the weight living his shoulder as Tommy snorted next to her and he huffed out a small chuckle, squeezing the young man’s shoulder with a smirk on his lips, without letting go of his girl. Now all he needed to do was take that son of a bitch before heading home with his family. 

                                                 -*-

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I’ll know.

*I’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this!

*Hope you guys enjoyed it!

*xoxo

-🌙

[pretendrocketships]

Paradise

About: Shawn uses a surprise vacation and his tongue to make you forgive him (angst/fluff/smut BUY TWO GET ONE FREE) 

A/N: 2.2k. Combined a soft!shawn and vacation request, so I hope you don’t mind! Sometimes soft smut being reassured how much someone loves you is a nice change of pace plus its all oral so here ya go. As always leave feedback if you want! (plz) 

Song: Paradise by Bazzi

-- 

“Fuck, this is beautiful,” you muttered, staring at the ocean at the waves crashing before you. 

“You’re beautiful,” Shawn said, leaning around to kiss your cheek. The ice from your fresh drink he brought you dripped down your forearm. You rolled your eyes and peaked at him below your sunglasses. 

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Mendes,” you reminded before settling back into your seat. He laughed to himself and put his own drink on the small table between your chairs. He moved your legs open, then settle himself in between them.

“It’s worked pretty well for me so far. I’m here on this beautiful, private island with the most beautiful girl in the world. So, I think flattery’s worked out pretty well for me.” His goofy smile disappeared when he saw you weren’t smiling with him. 

“Let’s get one thing straight,” you said, bringing your glasses down to the bridge of your nose, “you’re here on this beautiful island with the most beautiful girl in the world because you fucked up, and you needed to apologize and thought 72 hours on an island would do the trick,” you stated before leaning back in your chair, taking a sip of your drink hoping the ice and alcohol would cool you down. “That’s how you got here.” He ran his tongue over his teeth, forcing himself to shut up and think about his next move. He got up and turned away from you, staring off into the sea. 

“This was to fix our relationship, and I can’t do that if you don’t let me.” His voice came out strained. He already felt the sarcastic tone dripping from your tongue, and he could already feel a headache coming on.

“And please remind me why we have to fix our relationship, Shawnie?” Knowing you only use that nickname to annoy him, he was realizing that maybe buying you and island, then whisking you off to it with no warning wasn’t the best fix to your situation.

“I told you I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to ignore you. I was busy. I didn’t even notice I was doin--”

“And that’s the problem! You didn’t notice, you didn’t remember you had a girlfriend who would wait up for you and cook for you and be there for you. You could go out to every record meeting or studio session or hang out with the fucking boys while you expected me to do what? Wait up. Fuck that.” You drank the frozen drink even faster, needing to be drunk to have the same fight over again in the blistering heat. Shawn only now turned back around, admitting to himself, finally, that he was wrong, and he was just going to have to accept that and stop making excuses for what he already knew. He moved to sit on the side of your lounge chair.

“Listen, honey, I’m sorry. I did not think about it like that. I didn’t think about how you felt.” You were up and ready to attack him until he held his hands up in defeat. “And I should have. I didn’t bring us here to just try and buy your forgiveness. I realize the problem was me not making time for you, so here I am,” he said with a nervous smile and shrug of his shoulders, “making time for you and only you.” 

“Yes, me. Only me and the 35 person staff we also had to bring along since you can’t cook, or drive a boat, or--” 

“Honeyy,” he whined and buried his face into your stomach. “I’m trying here!” You threw your head back in a soft laugh, scratching his scalp as he purred into you. You wanted to be mad at him, but he bought you a fucking island. But more importantly, he understands why you were mad and validates that. Since the beginning, that’s all you really wanted. “Tell me you love me.” The neediness in his voice, the way it shook, concerned you. You pulled on the end of his curls a little, forcing him to look up at you. 

“What was that?” you asked knowing full well what he said, but needing him to explain. He forced himself up to sit back, looking you in the eyes. 

“I just,” he looked away, wringing his hands, a bad habit that exposed itself when he was upset or nervous. “I know you’ve talked to me about this before. I know my job puts a huge strain on our relationship, and I know if I keep pushing you, you’ll leave me, with good reason,” he rushed out, “but I--”

“Shawn,” you said, leaning over to sit in his lap and cradle his cheeks. “I’m not leaving you, okay? We’re allowed to have fights like every other couple, doesn’t mean I’m leaving you, yeah?” His eyes were darting all over your face. “I love you, okay? Still. I love you, Shawn.” You heard the breathe that he finally allowed himself to let out.

“Fuck, I love you so much,” he proclaimed. You laughed again and left soft kisses up his neck.

“Love you too, baby,” He moved your head from his neck and forced you to face him. 

“Lay back,” he commanded and lightly pushed you back onto the chair, so you were laying flat. 

“For what?” you questioned as he pushed your thighs further apart, so he was back between your legs.

“You were so good to me, forgiving me for everything. Just wanna make you feel as good as I feel right now.” After months, he could still make your heart race like no other.  

“Shawn, you don’t have to.” He grinned and rolled his eyes.

“Yes, honey, I know that. But I want to,” he said, snapping your bikini bottoms against your hips for emphasis. You stared at him intently, letting out soft moans as his lips grazed your inner thighs. He left a trail up both of your thighs, alternating as he pleased. His nose nudged at your clothed clit, making your hips instinctively flicker up. “May I?” You nodded breathlessly, kicking your legs to help him pull your bottoms down. He carelessly tossed them behind him. He pulled back a little to admire you. “Fucking glistening in the sun for me. So. Fucking. Beautiful.” He kissed from side to side on your outer lips.

“Shawn,” you whined while squirming. “Do something.” 

“Anything for my pretty,” Kiss. “Pretty.” Another. “Girl.” His lips were everywhere but where you needed him. This was supposed to be about you forgiving him, but he knew the more he built you up, the more you would thank him later. He stuck his tongue out, finally, licking flat against you, from top to bottom. You jolted, your thighs temporarily tightening around his head. As his tongue lapped at you, he took both hands and rubbed the outside of your leg, then pushed them further apart. “Gotta open up for me, honey.” 

You nodded, even though you knew he couldn’t see you. He was too busy. His tongue flicked repeatedly from your hole to your clit, like the boxing reflex ball he was always working out on at the gym. This tongue never let up, and just like during his workouts he was beginning to form a light sheen of sweat over his back. After he was sure you wouldn’t close up on him, he moved one of his hands to spread you open, allowing for direct access to your swollen, little clit. He moaned into you at the same time you screaming out for him. His left hand snaked down to palm himself. “Fucking taste so good, just dripping on my tongue, honey. Am I making you feel good?” You were having trouble forming thoughts with his tongue swishing back and forth over you.

“Yes!” Your hips were trashing now, completely moving on their own. He was switching between kissing and sucking now. 

“Shhh,” he calmed you while only speeding up his actions, the vibrations causing you to lurch up. He pulled away from you, chin shining and covered in you. “Could never listen to me could you?” he chuckled to himself, even though you were currently giving him daggers. He pressed three soft kisses to your clit. “That’s okay. Still love you.” He moved up your body. “Love every time you let me see you like this, so vulnerable, all for me.” He was not at your hips, softly biting and smoothing over the areas with his tongue. “Love how you take care of me.” He was caressing your sides, both hands touching and part of your body he could reach. “Love waking up to this every day,” he revealed, kissing from your belly button to the tops of your breasts. He closed his eyes and moaned into you. “Fuck, I love these.” His hands were tweaking your left nipple as his tongue began to assault your right. He loved watched the way they reacted to his touch, perking up with the softest of pulls. 

“Shawnn.” Your broken moans did something to him that he couldn’t explain if he tried. “Please?” you begged, and by the desperation in your voice, he knew you were ready. You whimpered when he came up to your neck instead of going back towards your dripping pussy. 

“Don’t whine, wanna see you when you cum all over me. That okay, honey?” His voice was too sweet for what was coming out of it. 

“Y-yes.” You nodded fervently, not caring what he did, as long as you got to cum. He smiled and kissed you sweetly. You were getting lost into the feeling of tasting yourself on his tongue. He knew you too well. He swallowed your screams and two fingers pushed inside you. The pads of his fingers went exploring inside you, rubbing your walls over and over. He was relishing in the feeling of you fluttering around him. When he pulled back slightly, he took mental pictures of how beautiful your face looked all scrunched up in pleasure just for him. 

“You are fucking breathtaking,” he huffed out, trying to stay focus while you were squeezing the life out of his fingers. You were so close he could feel it. He was pressing kisses to any part of your face he could reach. “Could ya let go for me, (Y/N)? I’ve got you, just wanna see my pretty girl cum under me, just wanna make you feel good. Are you close, hun? Are you gonna cum for me? Wanna see my good girl,” he moaned softly, directly into your ear. The next few strokes were particularly hard on your g-spot and you felt the orgasm ready to crash over you like a wave. You forced your eyes open, staring straight into his eyes with your mouth open, but unable to form any words. He was grinning now, from ear to ear. “That’s it, (Y/N). Just like that, let it go.” Your legs were shaking as you tossed your head back and threw your arm over your mouth to muffle your screams. The orgasm took over your whole body, and Shawn didn’t let up until you were twitching, trying to pushback from how good it felt. 

“S-Shawn, no more,” you moaned brokenly. He placed his other hand over your tummy and pressed. 

“Feel me so deep don’t you, honey? Feels good, doesn’t it? Your little clit is jumping for me,” he said looking down at his hands rubbing against you. He knew, watching and feeling your body react under his touch, he could pull one more out of you. “Hang on, love. Gimme one more, yeah? Just one more wanna make you feel so good.” You were biting then flesh on the inside of your forearm, not sure of anything else to quiet yourself. You were squeezing around him impossibly tight, so instead of adding a third finger, he settled for rubbing your clit. His hand was flying back and forth so fast, he knew you had no choice but to cum again. You moved your arm from your face, and he saw that look again. “That’s it. There’s my girl, my good girl.” There it was again, the praise that made your skin warm. 

“Shawn.” The moans were music to his ears. 

“Go ahead.” With this orgasm, your back wasn’t even touching the chair. The tingles were traveling through your body at lightning speed. You couldn’t think about anything. You felt weightless. You didn’t even hear Shawn coaxing you back to him, calloused fingertips running all along your body. “Did so, so well for me.” You shot him a lazy smile, and he moved you so he could position you on top of his chest. You were still hazy as you curled into his chest. His hands carded through your hair, and he kissed your temple. “Thank you for coming here with me, loving me, and making anywhere I go with you feel like paradise.”  

[lonelyreputation]

Different (part two)

A/N: Surprise!! I’m posting earlier than I thought I would! And we’re back with the angst!! Straight angst! Like literally all of this is angst there’s nothing else. Also! I just started a tag list, so send me a message if you want to be added!!

Don’t we all just love some unrequited love?? 💞 💖

Also, your support has been so tremendous, thank you guys all so much, I love you to the moon and to Saturn 😉 💫 THANKS A MILLION! Reblogs are never expected, but always appreciated!! 🤗💞🌻

REQUEST/PROMPT: People talking a room away & Fighting the urge to cry & Unrequited Love 

Part ONE | Let’s Chat!! | MASTERLIST

Warnings: Few swear words, some self-doubt, and ANGST!!!

Word Count: 5.7K

Shawn’s texts are bold and italicized & your texts are in italics 

-

You promptly left the party, the broken glass left unattended on the floor, and silently cried the whole way back to your apartment with your arms hugging tight around your stomach.

Opening the door to your apartment wasn’t an easy task.  Tears clouded your vision as you fumbled to find the right key to open the door.  You had bit the inside of your cheek repeatedly on the walk home causing you to taste metallic every time you swallowed back a sob.  Your chin wobbled, and just when you were about to give up and sit out in the hallway to cry, your roommate opened the door with a questioning look.

“How was the…party?”

She’s different––She’s just a friend––I don’t love her.

You brushed past her, “Fantastic.” You said as a few more tears fell from your eyes and your voice cracked.

She seemed to have caught the sarcasm behind your voice that alluded to the party being anything but fantastic.  Your bloodshot eyes and wobbly chin also gave her a good indication that you left the party early.

There weren’t anymore words exchanged between the two of you as you quickly walked to your room to finally break down.  You held a hand to your chest, clutching your necklace, a birthday present from Shawn, in a fist as you gasped out for air.

You’re different.  You’re just a friend.  He doesn’t love you.

You had a hand on the handle of your bathroom door as you harshly banged against it with your shoulder to open it wide.  Once the door was closed, and you felt safe from the world around you, as you leaned up against the door and let out a cry of desperation.  You were so sure that Shawn was the love of your life.  You were positive that he had felt something––maybe not love––but some type of feelings for you that were stronger than friendship.

You slid down the door until you were sitting on the cold tiles, the only thing giving you a feeling other than absolute heartbreak.  You tried your best to keep your cries quiet, clenching your teeth and hissing out a breath every now and then in order not to draw anymore attention from your roommate.  You could physically feel your chest caving in on your heart.

The necklace that was still being held tightly in your hand burned your exposed skin.  Hastily, you unclasped it from your neck, and heard the little dink of a sound as the soft metal material of the necklace collided against the tile.

You bent your knees and hugged your legs close to your chest, failing at sniffling back your sobs as you rested your forehead on top of your knees.  You were second guessing every interaction you had with Shawn; the soft smiles from across a crowded room, him randomly sending you flowers when he knew you were stressed, how he touched you only a few hours ago.

Who said anything about love?

You tried to hold back something between a sob and a shout as you heard Brian’s question repeat over and over in your head.  You felt hot all over your body, and most of all, you felt like a fool for listening to Olivia’s advice about confessing your true feelings to your best friend.  The back of your head started to throb and the ache of your breaking heart was having a tortuous physical effect on the rest of your body.

Buzz.  Buzz.

You lifted your head to see your phone vibrating against the tile, moving ever so slightly with every ring.  A new wave of tears started to fall over as you saw Shawn’s contact picture; a picture you took of him asleep on the couch after the first time you watched 10 Things I Hate About You.  You let the call go unanswered.  Once you saw his picture disappear, you let out a shaky breath, but it didn’t last long because his picture showed up on your phone again.

You screened his call again.

Thankfully, he didn’t try calling you again, but your phone continued to buzz indicating that a few text messages were being received.  You bit your lip as you brought your arm up to your nose to wipe away the excess of tears that mixed with your runny nose and read the text messages.

Where are you? I came back to the kitchen and didn’t see you?

Are you still here? Y/n?

Liv just told me you were feeling sick, do you need anything? I can come around tomorrow morning. Love you & hope you feel better xx

Just like your necklace, you slid your phone across the bathroom tile for it to be as far away from you.

Love you? The malicious part of your brain spoke up, ha.  He even said it himself, he’s never loved you.

And again, the sane part of your mind didn’t have a rebuttal.

///

It had been five days since you eavesdropped on Shawn and Brian’s conversation.  Five days since Shawn said he didn’t love you.  Five dreadfully long days since your best friend broke your heart and you had to pretend like everything was fine.

Everything was not fine.

On the first day, you left his texts unanswered and told your roommate to turn him away if he showed up at your door.  Day two, you respond to his texts saying you had a migraine and couldn’t look at any bright lights, your excuse for not responding to any of his messages.  Day three, he came over to your apartment with pizza, two big fuzzy blankets, and your favorite Pixar movie because, you always watch Pixar when you’re feeling sick, I know you, he said.  

I know you; but he didn’t know that you were purposefully avoiding him.    

On day four, you were back over at Shawn’s apartment with Brian.  Like you had done earlier when Shawn had just come home from tour, the three of you were out on his deck with the fire going. Brian was in the single chair again while you and Shawn were sharing the couch.  Except this time, your head wasn’t nestled into his chest, you were sitting on the complete opposite end with your feet tucked under you.

Brian and Shawn both had alcoholic drinks of their choice while you had a glass of water.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

“So, Shawn,” Brian quickly looked over at you for a brief moment before he looked at the boy in question, “Write any good songs?”

You wrapped the blanket tighter around your body, using it as a shield for whatever his answer would be, as you took a sip of your water.  You stared at the CN Tower, pretending like you weren’t interested in their conversation.

You felt Shawn’s eyes glance at your figure for a second before he took a sip of his drink and nodded, “A few.”

“Oh c’mon,” Brian let out a little laugh as he looked at you until you gave him a roll of his eyes, “It’s just us––It’s not like we’re gonna leak them.”

“Y/n heard one of them.”

Brian raised his eyebrows, “Did she now?”  

They both expected you to give your input, but you stayed silent, pretending to be enamored with the city lights.

When Brian noticed that his two best friends weren’t going to say anything, he cleared his throat, “And what did you think of it?”

With a question directed at you, you knew you couldn’t avoid contributing to any part of the conversation any longer.  You shot Brian a glare, as you took a sip of water to stall some time, “It was nice.”

Brian threw his head back in laughter at your simple answer and Shawn stared at you with a questioning tilt of his head.  You knew that he was thinking back to your taco night when he nervously played the song for you.  Where you praised him for his songwriting abilities and said it was your favorite song he had ever written.  But the more you thought back on that night, the more you noticed how distracted he was.  

He didn’t want to mix the spices, and while you measured the different seasonings, you would glance up at him to see his thumbs rapidly moving across the screen of his phone.  You remember asking him what was so important on his phone when you caught him smiling down at it.  And he didn’t tell you any specific stories from when he was on tour, which were always a topic of discussion on taco night. He specifically brushed away your questions about Los Angeles.  

“There would be a million girls out there who would die to listen to an unreleased Shawn Mendes song and all you say is that it’s nice?”

You shrugged your shoulders and took another sip of water, hoping it would ease the familiar scratchiness at the back of your throat, “Yeah.”

Just thinking about the song that was so clearly written for you made you want to cry like you did that night you found out Shawn didn’t love you.  When you first heard the song, you wanted that sweet guitar melody ingrained in your mind forever.  You wanted those lyrics tattooed somewhere on your body that was only visible to you.  He had sung about having a different kind of love for you.

Different.

You finished your water and excused yourself to get a refill with a sniffle as you went into his kitchen, wiping away a few stubborn tears that fell.

But the fifth day…The fifth day was worse than the day you overheard Shawn say he didn’t love you.

You were out grocery shopping when you felt your phone buzz in your back pocket.  Unlocking it, you saw a text from Shawn; Busy?

Out food shopping, you texted back, everything alright?

I’m bored.

You let out a small laugh at his response, pushing your cart out of the aisle you were in and stood off to the side, not wanting to disrupt anyone’s shopping habits.

Poor you, you texted back, I’m sure you’re really missing the tour life right now.

Nah, he texted back instantly, just missing you.

Your heart soared with happiness, but only for a split second.  He didn’t see you in the same way you saw him.  He didn’t look at you like you hung the stars in the sky.  He didn’t think of you as being someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

With a frown, your thumbs moved quickly across the screen, Boo hoo.

:(

Come over.

You weren’t expecting him to be so direct.  You hadn’t hung out alone since taco night and you weren’t sure you were strong enough to keep your composure together.

And don’t say you’re busy.

You only go food shopping when you have absolutely nothing to do.

Your thumbs stopped typing out your response.  Maybe, you thought to yourself, just maybe he does know you as well as you knew him.

Let me check out and drop the bags off at my place then I’ll head over.

:)

You felt your stomach churn with anxiety as you stared at the lone smiley face.  He usually texted with emojis, so you knew something was off when he was using simple keyboard emoticons.  It only made you that much more nervous to be alone with him.  

It didn’t take long to finish gathering what you needed and then headed to check out.  You didn’t have too much stuff, so it was easy to carry your reusable bags from the store front to the car without your cart.  Once your bags were placed in the back, and you were in the driver’s seat, you placed both hands on the steering wheel, gripping the leather material until your knuckles turned a few shades lighter than your skin tone, letting out a deep breath.

You told yourself you didn’t have a reason to be nervous.  Deep breath in.  You were the one who had the problem with Shawn, not the other way around, he didn't know you were in love with him.  Deep breath out.

Turning the key in your car took a little more effort than normal because you could feel your stomach tell you not to go over to Shawn’s place.  Your gut had a feeling that something wasn’t right.  But he was still your best friend, you still loved him, and you would do anything to have him in your life.

You drove home, quickly placing your groceries away, and then walked over to Shawn’s apartment.  Sure, it would’ve been easier to drive, but you couldn’t pass up the sweet summer air that whisked down the streets of Toronto.

Are you still coming?

A smile crept onto your face as you sent him an eye roll emoji, At the corner waiting to cross the street.  Be there in five.

:)

Instead of your stomach flipping with summersaults, it flipped with anxiety.  You shook your hands to free yourself of the nerves you felt inside, and smiled at the doorman who greeted you by name.  You made your way to the elevator, pressing the button to Shawn’s floor.  

You were always bouncing with excitement riding the elevator up to Shawn’s place because it meant that you were going to see him.  But now your leg bounced with anxiety and the ride up seemed to take hours.

Once on the floor, you made the journey to Shawn’s door, and before you could knock, Shawn swung open the door with a smile on his face.  You couldn’t even get a greeting out as he wrapped his arms tightly around you, leaning his cheek on top of your head.

You felt the familiar feeling of warmth that you associated with him as you felt his heartbeat. Out of instinct, you brought your arms around his torso and hugged him back just as tightly, breathing in his scent.

“C’mon,” Shawn squeezed you tight one last time before unraveling his arms from around you, letting his hand graze your down your arm to your hand where he intertwined your fingers, “Brian will be here in like an hour and I want you to myself for a bit.”

With your hand in his, he pulled you inside his apartment and you looked at the back of his head like he was leading you to an eternity of happiness.  As he pulled you past the kitchen and into the living room, he peered over his shoulder and offered you a shy smile.

Oh yes, you thought to yourself, you were still hopelessly in love with him; ready to bend yourself however which way just to see him smile.

He flopped onto the couch, with you standing above him, but with a gentle tug of your hand, you were falling into his chest with a laugh.  You placed a hand on his chest, feeling the familiar warmth of his skin through his cotton t-shirt seep into you.  You looked up at him through your eyelashes, his chest still vibrating with laughter, and you thought that even though he might like someone else, he may just love you.

“Wanna watch La La Land?”

His question brought you out of your daydream, “I thought you didn’t like the ending?”

Shawn shrugged his shoulders as he reached for the remote, the movie already queued up, “Haven’t seen it in a while.”

You slowly nodded your head, using your hand that was on his chest to push yourself off him.  But he caught your wrist in his hand, “Stay.”

With a smile slowly tugging at the corners of your lips, you nodded and laid your head on his chest, sliding your legs between his, as you felt his heartbeat accelerate. Around thirty minutes into the film, you felt Shawn bring one of his hands up to your head, softly running the tips of his fingers over your hair.

It was the little gestures that made you fall in love with your best friend.  How he always managed to relax you with a hand on your shoulder.  How he would listen intently over the phone when he was hundreds of miles away.  And how when you would be out on a date, he would call you after texting him your codeword for an excuse to leave.  But even if the date was going well, you would still text him to call, because he wasn’t the one sitting across from you.

As if you had plunged head first into the ocean, thoughts were swimming around in your mind;  his touches were comforting––you felt a spark tingle its way through your veins every time he touched you––you were never afraid to be yourself around him.

But soon the thoughts that made you feel like you were floating above the surface, suddenly swallowed you whole, and the thoughts only got worse, feeling as if you were thrashing around the water, reaching your hands up to break through to the surface; this is all you’ll ever be to him––You won’t ever have the joy of graduating to something more––Soon his gentle touches and soft eyes will be reserved for someone else––Someone he’s capable of loving––He’ll never want you in the way you want him.

As he repeated his movements of touching your hair, as if he didn’t give it a second thought, it was the only thing you were capable of giving your full attention to. The warmth you usually felt now felt like a burning sensation as it spread like a wildfire throughout your body.

You lifted your head from his chest abruptly before his hand could caress your hair once more.  Shawn was startled by your sudden movement and looked up at you with a raised eyebrow.

“I––Sorry, I––” you felt your chin wobble and you knew that you had to get away from him, “I have––I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

You untangled your legs from his as you stumbled to get up, bringing your hand up to cover your mouth when your back was to him.  You could hear his distant voice asking if you wanted him to pause the film as you skidded across his floor to the bathroom.  You didn’t bother replying to him, already knowing how the film played out.

You tried to even out your breathing, soft gasps emitting from your lips as to not alert Shawn that you were having a breakdown in his bathroom.  You thought you could be friends with him, you were trying everything to keep him in your life, but it was taking too much of a toll on your feelings.

He loves you like a best friend, the rational part of your brain tried to make sense of your heartbreak.

But that’s not enough, the irrational part of your mind yelled over its counterpart, you’ll never be enough.

Your hands gripped the granite countertop so tight that your knuckles turned a few shades lighter than your original skin tone.  The coolness of the granite didn’t do anything to soothe the leftover burning you felt course through your veins from Shawn’s touches.  You lifted your head to look in the mirror and noticed that the reflection of the girl looking back at you was a heartbroken stranger.

Turning the sink on, you ran your hands under the cold water, cupping your hands under the faucet and splashing your face with water to cover up the redness of your eyes.  You grabbed a towel from the rack hanging on the wall after you had shut the water off and dried your hands.  You didn’t think you could last through the rest of the movie without breaking down, so you turned on your heel and opened the door, prepared to tell Shawn you had a headache and wanted to go home.  

But when you opened the door, you were met with Shawn leaning against the wall across the hallway, arms crossed over his chest, with a concerned, yet irked, look in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

HIs question was direct, and you had the truth banging from the inside of your skull, begging to be released; I love you––I want to be more than best friends––It’s killing me to not tell you how I feel––But I know you don’t love me.

“Nothing,” you tried to squash your thoughts, but it only made your headache hurt more, “Listen, I––”

“Why aren’t you wearing your necklace?”

Another direct question that left you speechless.  You slowly brought your hand up to your chest, fingers resting just beneath your collarbone, where your necklace had taken up a home everyday since Shawn gave it to you four years ago.

“I forgot––I forgot to put it on this morning.”

“I know you sleep with it on,” Shawn’s voice was monotone as he deflected your excuses and shot you another direct question, “Why’d you take it off?”

A flashback of you ripping the necklace off your skin and throwing it across your bathroom as tears heavily flowed down your face flashed through your mind.  The sound it made as it hit the tile floor echoing in your thoughts.

You bit the inside of your cheek, trying to suppress the heartbreak you felt on that night down, “You’re delusional, if you’re so sure I sleep with it on––”

“Y/n,” his voice was dangerously low, “Why did you take the necklace off.”

His jaw was clenched to hold back his rage of anger.  And your jaw was clenched to hold back your waterfall of tears.

“Because I did,” you scoffed at Shawn, sending him a glare, as you walked past him, “It’s just a necklace.”

It’s more than a necklace, the rational part of your mind whispered, both of you know that it’s so much more than just a necklace.

The irrational part of your brain stayed mute.

Before you could successfully make it down the hallway, Shawn circled a hand around your wrist, “Don’t feed me that bull––”

You were fed up with him.  You were fed up with his teasing touches, fed up with the caring words he whispered to you in secret, fed up with how he thought he knew you better than anyone else.  Because if he really knew you––knew how your heart beat faster just for him––then you wouldn’t be in this position.

You ripped your wrist out of his hold and spun around, “Shawn, I love you!”

Your tone was scathing, but at the same time it was a cry for help.  And the only person who would be able to offer you assistance was frozen to the ground, lips slightly parted, but his eyes stayed the same.  You expected his eyes to be wide in shock, you expected him to be thrown off by your statement, but he didn’t seem fazed.

“I––I’ve loved you for so long and I can’t––Everything just hurts,” your voice cracked at the end of your sentence, as your eyes maintained contact with the boy who you would give everything up for, “You act like you know me, but if you really did, then you’d know how much my heart is breaking whenever I’m around you.”

You already knew that he didn’t love back, you had already gone through this heartbreak, but seeing him trying to figure out the words that would no doubt ruin your friendship, it was as if your first heartbreak felt like a little scrape on the knee.

He brought both hands up to rub his face, taking in a deep breath, as he looked up toward the ceiling, “Y/n,” his voice was strained, but not in the way you felt your throat closing up from the threat of tears, he was holding back resentment, “That––Can’t––You don’t love me––Not––Not like…That.”

Without any remorse, it was as if he had ripped your heart apart like you were just a piece of scrap paper with lyrics he didn’t think were good enough.  Not good enough, your mind echoed, you’re not good enough for him.

He had already witnessed you confiding your deepest secret to him.  And you didn’t think he deserved to witness the aftermath of your world crumbling.

You understood what the collapse of the Roman Empire must’ve felt like.

Tears were already falling fast down your cheeks, and you spun around, not bothering to say anything else to him because he didn’t warrant any more of your words after he so carelessly threw away your confession.

You made it to his kitchen when you heard his pleading voice, “Wait––” And when you felt the fire of his skin on your skin, it was a pain you never wanted to experience again.

Before he could enclose his hand around your wrist for a third time today, you snatched your arm away, cradling your wrist into your chest like you were trying to heal a wound.  You had an internal wound that you didn’t think would go away any time soon.

“If you can’t––If you don’t want to be with me,” You choked out a sob as you stared into his brown eyes; it was the first time you saw genuine heartbreak in his eyes.  And part of you was glad that he was experiencing a fraction of the pain he put you through over the past five days, “I can’t…we can’t be friends.”

His exasperated exterior fell just as fast as his face, “Don’t say that,” he took a few steps forward and reached out a hand, but stopped it mid-way and left it hanging in the air, knowing you would push him away again, “You don’t mean that––”

“I––Shawn, I can’t––” your voice was high-pitched as your bottom lip quivered, the reality of the situation becoming all too real for the both of you, “It’s been so hard these past few years––”

“Years?”

You ignored his question as another one of your secrets slipped past your trembling lips, “It’s just too––too hard right now,” you hiccuped, “I need–sp––space.”

“But I––I just got you back––You’re my best friend.  I don’t want space from you.”

You did your best to ignore the tears welling up in the corner of his eyes as you tasted your own salty tears as you spoke, “You have Brian––”

“Don’t,” his voice was rigid as the first of his tears fell from his eyes.  He harshly brushed the top of his palm across his cheek to rid himself of his falling tears.  But the more he kept wiping away his tears, more fell from his eyes, “You know that our friendship is different than what we have with anyone else.”

“Exactly!” You threw your hands up in the air, letting out a humorless laugh, “It’s different because we’re different!  We’re different around each other because there’s something more between us––”

“We’re just friends!” Shawn raised his voice over yours.  

It was silent after that as you tried to keep your sniffles to a minimum, gulping your emotions down your cracked throat.  You had made your feelings about him clear.  And he had made his feelings about you clear; friends.  Just friends.

“What,” he smacked his lips together, his next question coming out in a whisper, “What did I do wrong to make you think of me––of us––to be more than friends?”

What did he not do? That was the real question that had been floating around your head for years.  How could you not fall in love with the cadence of his voice?  How could you resist the invisible pull you felt toward him that only grew stronger since the first time you said hello?  How could you refuse to let yourself fall in love for someone you were so sure was made for you?

You offered him the best smile you could through your tears, “You did…Nothing wrong,” you let out a whisper of a laugh as you stared into his eyes that were once so comforting.  His eyes used to bring you so much joy, but now they held with just as much heartbreak as yours, “You were just…Yourself.”

“But you––Why tell me this––Why are you destroying our friendship when you already knew I didn’t love you back?”

“I didn’t want to tell you––Wait,” you had felt your heart stop for the boy in front of you a million times.  Your heart had stopped for him when he gave you your star sign constellation as a necklace for a present.  Your heart had stopped for him when he pointed at you when he was performing on stage.  

But never had it stopped for this long as you awaited his answer, “How did you know that I knew?”

Shawn’s red eyes grew wide, not expecting for his little secret to slip out.  He tried stammering out an excuse through his tears, but just like he had deflected your excuses about not wearing your necklace, you weren’t putting up with him.  You had an inclination as to how he knew that you knew he didn’t feel the same way about you.  But you were praying that you were wrong.

God, you hoped you were wrong.

“Shawn,” your voice cracked as you looked at him, he was shaking his head as if begging you not to ask your next question, “How did you know?”

“Y/n––”

“How.”

Shawn let out a breath so shaky that you felt yourself lose balance, “At the party, five days ago…” his eyes were begging you to have him stop his explanation, but you shook your head, wanting him to twist the knife he had already plunged so deep into your heart.

“The bathroom door was open and––and I saw you form the corner of my eye and when Brian asked me about you––I thought if you heard I didn’t love you, instead of me saying it to you, that we could go back to being normal.”

He knew you were listening.  He knew you weren’t okay when he asked you so delicately, so full of obliviousness, as you cut yourself with shards of broken glass.  And he knowingly left you in the kitchen after he knew he had broken your heart.  

Turns out, he did know you just as well as you thought.

“You…You knew I was listening?”

The nod of his head was the final hit.  It felt as if a hawk had swooped into your heart, talons digging in deep, thrashing until they successfully picked your heart apart piece by piece, savoring every moment of your destruction.

You didn’t think it was possible to feel even more hurt than you did that night when you listened to him in the bathroom say so confidently that he didn’t love you.  He said it with so much conviction––I don’t love her––knowing that you were just a few feet away from him, clearly able to hear him break your heart.

His presence, one that you yearned for during every second of the day you weren’t with him, was now something that repulsed you.  

How did your supposed best friend have so little respect for you?

Without a second thought other than to get the hell out of his apartment, you dashed behind him to the living room to pick your phone up from the coffee table, haphazardly slid your sneakers on, and tucked the laces under the tongue of the shoe.  Your hands were shaking as you rushed past his standstill figure in the kitchen.

Your hand was on the doorknob, about to turn it, but his voice cut you off.

“Don’t––Y/n, I’m sorry––”

The tips of his fingers grazed your elbow, just as gently as they caressed your hair earlier, but you opened the door, jumping out into the hallway to put as much distance between the two of you as possible.

“Fucking––Stay away from me.”

You slammed the door on his tearstained face and ran down the hallway.  You ran to the very end, skipping the elevator as you yanked the door to the stairs open.  Your palms were sweating, heart beating out of control, as you raced down the stairs out of breath.  Shawn had made you feel all those things before, but never had you felt them in such a turmoil of pain, you had previously only felt them out of the nervousness of love for him.

You made it to the lobby, praying that Shawn hadn’t taken the elevator down to stop you from leaving.  When you saw that the coast was clear, you avoided eye contact with the doorman, as you quickly walked past him.

“Y/n?”

You whipped your head around, eyes wide, as you saw Brian stood a few feet away from you with a concerned look on his face.  

His eyes started at your face, taking in your splotchy appearance, then his eyes darted to your shaky hands, and then back up to your red eyes, where tears were still falling.

He looked at you with a regretful smile, “You told him?”

You sniffed back the tears and brought your forearm to wipe under your nose, “I don’t––Told him what?”

He gave you a pointed stare, you had never confided in Brian about your feelings for Shawn, but you always had a feeling that he knew something.

“Did he tell you?”

You screwed your eyes tight wanting to erase everything you had heard in the last hour.  

When you opened your eyes, Brian’s mournful stare was still on you, “He told me a lot of things.”  He perked up at that piece of information.  There was a glint of glee in his eyes, but it was soon replaced with confusion as you said your next sentence, “Keep him from coming after me.”

“What do you––”

The ding of the elevator and a desperate shout of a voice that had just destroyed your heart called out your name, cut him off, “Y/n!”

Your body went into fight or flight mode, and you chose flight as your petrified body sprinted out the glass door of his building.

And just like the night after the party, you walked home from Shawn’s place to your apartment, arms hugging your stomach for some sort of comfort, tears clouding your vision.  You miserably failed to keep your cries at bay as you publicly showcased your heartbreak as gray clouds rolled in and thunder boomed from the distance.

-----

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[lyssaajonas]

My Fic Recs!!

My Fic Recs: all of these are either from tumblr, wattpad, or AO3:

this list is gonna be so fucking long, just to far warn you!! 

{but the ultimate fic recommendation would be my fanfiction about Nick Jonas on wattpad xx}

Tumblr Wattpad AO3

Harry Styles:

- Y/N’s Princess Parts Ache-- xx-- by @haaarry

- in which Harry and Y/N are soulmates-- xx by @haroldloverboy 

- in which Harry doesn't like bratty girls and Y/N can be quite the beggar -- xx by @haroldloverboy​ 

- Y/N catches Harry getting ready for his photoshoot for “The Face”-- xx by @haaarry​

-Y/N finds porn on Harry’s laptop -- xx by @haaarry​

-In Sickness and in Health-- xx by @talesofstyles

-even if it was momentary-- xx by @meetevieinthehallway

- A Piano in St. Lucia-- xx by @waitingfortwilight​

- Mine- xx by @kissesinthekitchen​

-Morning Light- xx by @theasstour​

-Before You Go- xx by @harrywritingsbyme​

-Cockwarming- xx by @haroldloverboy​

-Studio Session- xx by @harrygivenchy​

-A Phone Call Away- xx by @stylesmuse​

-Six Kisses- xx by @kind-heart​

-Thank You Princess- xx by @harrysgoldenline​

-Dizzy- xx by @harrysgoldenline​

-Pearls- xx by @harrysgoldenline​

-Stains- xx by @harrysgoldenline​

-Inexperienced- xx by @harrysgoldenline​

-Please, Daddy- xx @itslikeipayforit​

-Cum So Hard- xx by @harrywritingsbyme​

-Self Control- xx by @harrywritingsbyme​

-Sweater- xx by @hes-writer​

-Harry gets stressed out and yells at Y/N- xx by @heyyyharry​

-Threesome is Fun- xx by @kissme-hs​

-Earned It (18+)- xx- @harrieshoes​

-Feel You- xx - by @fallinharry​

-Soft!Harry and Y/N kissing his tattoos- xx - by @avhrodite​

-Lace- xx - by @avhrodite​

-Morning Makeup- xx- by @avhrodite​

-NSFW Alphabet- xx- by @avhrodite​

-Pancake Batter- xx- by @avhrodite​

okay fuck it... basically anything by @avhrodite​ like seriously! 😍😍😍😍

-Stains- xx- by @harrysgoldenline​

-My Muse- xx- by @harrysgoldenline​

-Burden- xx- by @harrysgoldenline​

-Differences- xx- by @harrysgoldenline​

-New Seeds in the Melody- xx- by @angelic-holland​

- Babydoll -- xx by Wonderwall123 {DDLG} 

- Little Rosie and Daddy -- xx by laxlover345 {DDLG} 

- Deviant {H.S}-- xx  by cxstles 

-Some Scars Can Heal -- xx by sunnysunshines

-Stockholm Syndrome- xx by 50shadesofeels

-Daddy Styles- xx by DaddyStylesssss

-Dreamboat- xx by _DaniMoon_

-Deja Vu (sequel to Dreamboat)- xx by _DaniMoon_

-Save Your Heart- xx by Kit_Cat

-Just Listen- xx by CharlieA

-Fix a Heart- xx by winterings

-Wonderland- xx by papihazza

-Play Date- xxx by LukeHemoji

Niall Horan:

-Quarantine- xx- by @thicksniall​ (I LOVED THIS ONE BTW. 😍) 

-Jingle Ball Smut- xx by @thicksniall​

- Niall’s Little Miracle-- xx by laxlover345 {DDLG} 

-A Kiss On The Wrist- xx by mandyxtine (this fanfic... oh my god. it is beautiful. completely and utterly beautiful. I have read it multiple times, and I cant get enough of it!) 

Anonymous- xx by samemistakes_

What These Bruises Say- xx by anchorsahoy

-When In London- xx by SkylarJay

Liam Payne: 

-22 Times- xx by artpieces

-Not Since You- xx by artpieces

-Wrong Number- xx by killyourvision 

Louis Tomlinson: 

work in progress

Larry Stylinson: 

-I Think I Love You Better Now- xx by @brokenbravery​ (SelfHarm!Louis) 

- Its Like You’re Pouring Salt In My Cuts- xx by Badusername (SelfHarm!Harry)

-The One That Saved Me- xx by zayngasm (SelfHarm!Harry)

-Pretty Please (With Sugar On Top)- xx by @angelichl​

-Bonded- xx by @juliusschmidt​

-Until I Found You- xx by @dimpled-halo​

-If You’re Out There (I’ll Find You Somehow)- xx by @jacaranda-bloom​

-Relief Next To Me- xx by dolce_piccante

-Undone, Undress- xx by @angelichl​

-Uniquely Perfect- xx by LarryWriting

-Uniquely Flawless- xx by LarryWriting

-Uniquely Three- xx byLarryWriting

-Uniquely Ever After- xx by LarryWriting

-Oh, I Ate Before I Came- xx by makedamnnsure

-Selectively Mute- xx by impossiblyunlucky

-His Submission- xx by LarryTwinklinson

-Control- xx by Jack_Styles

-OCD- xx by LarryStylinSup (Self Harm) 

-Call Me Daddy- xx by Lileytomlinips

-27 Minutes- xx by YorkshirePerrie

-Munchkin- xx by onyxjay

-All Strings Attached- xx by SimperingSolitude

-FindADaddy,com- xx by babylovehazza

-Teach Me- xx by the_tommo_tummy

-Scars- xx by qualitystylinson

-”yes, Daddy”- xx by xloustheticx

-Padded- xx by louisovermyknee

-Look After You- xx by @theonewiththelarrystories​

Shawn Mendes:

- Mornings with You-- xx-- by @fallinallincurls

- next to our brand new bed-- xx by @purebeanshwn 

- Suit-- xx by @infiniteshawn​

- I Got You-- xx by @sippingchai​

- Tied Up-- xx by @infiniteshawn​

- Keeping Control-- xx by @gentlemanmendes​

-Stressed-- xx by @niallsfoolsgold​

-Praise Kink- xx by @dylshoney​

-That’s My Girl-xx by @parkershawn​

-Threesome is Fun- xx by @kissme-hs​

Tom Holland:

- The Pain of Loss-- xx by @manisca-rye​

- Overheard-- xx by @stuckonspidey​

- Spill Your Guts- xx by @dylshoney​

- Types of Kisses- xx by @bi-writes​

-Trust Issues- xx by @stuckonspidey​

- What Did He Do?- xx by @lousimusician​

-What’s My Rule?-xx by @lousimusician​

-Video Games- xx by @angelic-holland​

-Good Girl- xx by @angelic-holland​

-Power Trip- xx by @sinfulserpents​​

-Half a Heartbeat- xx by @dammnimagines​

- Stressed Out- xx by @marvhellove​

-The Rooster Will Not Crow- xx by @dashielldeveron​

-Kings and Queens- xx by @parkershawn​ (THIS IS AMAZING, PERFECT, OMGGGGGGGGGG) 

-Best of Friends- xx by @cornacopicimagines​

-Mob!Tom Imagine Blurb-xx- by @sincerelyfan​

-Let’s Play- xx by @angelic-holland​

-New Seeds in the Melody- xx- by @angelic-holland​

-Black Roses- xx by cafexlxgy

-375 Magnum- xx by Therealamberholland

Peter Parker:

- Jealous- xx by @starktonyx​

- Let Me Show you I’m Sorry- xx by @starktonyx​

- Sex Tape- xx by @peteparkerspooderman​

- Angel Duty- xx by @marvelsswansong​

- “Vibe” Check- xx by @spideyyeet​

- Try It- xx by @ollieologys​

-Coming Home- xx by @hxldmxdxwn​

- “Friends”- xx by @selfcarecap​

-Beneath Your Beautiful- xx by @waitimcomingtoo​

-I See Fire- xx by @waitimcomingtoo​

-It Was You- xx by @loki-parker​

-Emergency Number- xx by @thepenisparker​

Justin Bieber:

- My Precious Princess-- xx by MrsBieberLynch 

- When She is No Longer Mine (Sequel to one above^^)-- xx by MrsBieberLynch 

-Daddy’s Princess- xx by avocadies (technically this is a Jason McCann fanfic.... but still) 

-Daddy’s Girl- xx by mrbieberswifey

-Don’t Get To Close- xx by PrincessMahone

-Mafia Daddy- xx by mcannonbieber

-Different Than Them- xx by ObelieberO

-Chosen- xx by LRPierce

-Guns and Roses- xx by milkshakes101

-Love In Handcuffs- xx by TehPeaceMaker

(this next one isn't a fanfiction but she writes Justin fanfics, so I wanna recommend) 

-Of Mobsters and Men- xx by TehPeaceMaker

-Bieber Corporation- xx by -95pjm

-Met Online- xx by Unidentifiedxx

-Be Alright- xx by ottawalieber

-The Mafia King- xx by deluxebelieves

-Babygirl- xx by bby-doll0302

-babygirl- xx by N4ny_28

Ashton Irwin:

-Engagement Blurb- xx- by @zairapvrker​

-Filled- xx by @morningfears​

- Keep Me Safe-- xx by CakeMashtonLover

-7:15- xx by fivesaucewhoop

Luke Hemmings:

- daddy’s girl -- xx by loudluke {DDLG} 

- the kink club-- xx by loudluke {DDLG} 

-24 Hours- xx by fivesaucewhoop 

The Boyfriend Tag-- xx by @geekygoddesss​

Calum Hood:

-Filled- xx- by @morningfears​

Michael Clifford:

work in progress

Zianourry:

- Little One-- xx by stylesss1dx {DDLG}  

- Tender Care- xx by tayiah18 {DDLG/AgePlay} 

-A Needed Solution- xx by 1Dfamilystuff (Ageplay)

-Payne-Malik Adventures- xx by 1Dfamilystuff (kidfic)

-Fixing Mistakes (Baby Niall)- xx by Connorperry42 (Ageplay) 

-Finally Complete- xx by parkercuddles (Ageplay) 

-Daughter Direction- xx by JustLittleAlyssa

Victoria- xx by JustLitteAlyssa

5SOS:

(These first two are  Cake threesomes!!); 

Two in One- xx by @loveontuor​

Road Trip- xx by @loveontuor​

Bradley Simpson (from the Vamps): 

- Troubled- B.W.S- xx by Bradlayysbooty 

- BWS Imagine- xx by @stargirl-imagine​

- “You Said You Missed Me”- xx by @pitubea1910​

- Award Show- xx by @marvelbws​

- Welcome Home- xx by @obradsimpson​

- Him- xx by @obradsimpson​

-Tinted- xx by @condorkball​

-Spoiled- xx by @marvelbws​

-Love In The Dark- xx by @marvelbws​

-Relax- xx by @marvelbws​

-Shh, Baby- xx by @condorkball​

- Bandana-- xx by @condorkball​

[5-seconds-of-bucky]

All The Kisses

A/N: I really like this one. 

Summary: All the types of kisses you share with Shawn throughout your relationship 

Word Count: 2.2k+

Warnings: Some swearing and brief mentions of an anxiety attack. Very, very fluffy. 

The First Kiss 

You were just sitting next to each other on the ground and doing homework. Music was playing softly from your laptop and not much was said as you both worked on your Chemistry labs. 

“Can you check this equation for me?” Shawn asked, pushing his notebook towards you. He smiled when you looked up from your notebook with big eyes, having not heard what he asked. 

“What?” You brushed a loose strand from your ponytail back. He swore you had never looked cuter. 

“Equation. Check,” he chuckled. 

“Oh, sure.” You scanned over the numbers, erasing a two he had placed in front of Hydrogen, “Hydrogen has a subscript of two when it’s alone, so you don’t need the two in front.”

“Thanks.” His smile was soft and you swore you could have kissed him right then. 

Last First Kiss started playing and you sang along quietly, when Shawn asked you, “Y/N, have you had your first kiss yet?” 

“Shawn, you’re my best friend. Trust me, you’d be the first to know if I did.” You weren’t really fazed by the question, but Shawn seemed somewhat shocked by your answer. 

“Have you been on a date?” 

“Nope.” You rolled your eyes and let out a playful sigh. “Oh, I am such a poor, lonely soul.” You placed your hand to your heart and made a dramatic frown. Shawn laughed. 

“I could be your last first kiss, “ he stated with a glint in his eyes.

“Stop plagiarizing One Direction. Write your own songs.” 

“I have!”

“Exactly! Use them!” You both laughed. Shawn watched you as your face returned to a more restful expression. The hair that fell in front of your face did little to block the small smile still resting on your face. “What are you staring at?”

“Just how beautiful you are.” You blushed profusely. Your best friend who you happened to have a decent sized crush on just called you cute? No way. 

“What are you talking about?” You tried to brush off the comment, but every thought of it made you blush even more. 

“You’re so pretty. I have no idea how you haven’t had your first kiss or even been on a date, but I’m gonna change that.” Before you could respond, his lips were on yours. It was short and sweet, but it left you breathless. 

Shawn started at your shocked expression, worried he had done something wrong. “I’m so sorry, I should have asked-” He was cut off by you cupping his cheeks and pulling him in again. He smiled. Nothing could beat this moment. 

Top of the Head Kisses

“I don’t know how I failed it,” You exclaimed through tears. You were leaning against your car, a hand covering your tearstained face. “I worked so hard.” 

“I know baby. I know,” Shawn said softly as he pulled you into his chest. His right hand went around your waist while his left held your head to his chest. He had seen you study for a whole week. You had gone to the teacher every day after school, having to cancel some of your plans with him. It didn’t make sense that you had spent all this time trying and failed anyways. 

“I hate history,” You mumbled, wrapping your arms around him and pressing you head further into his chest, as if it would keep you safe from the tortuous grade. 

“It’s alright babe. It’s just one grade. It won’t kill you.” “It dropped my grade four points.” 

“It’s all going to work out. We can figure out where you went wrong so you can prepare for the next one, alright?” 

“Okay.” 

You stayed there for a few more minutes, enjoying the company of your boyfriend. He placed his head on top of yours and you smiled. 

“You’re the best boyfriend ever. You know that right?” 

“Yeah.” His smile reached the side of his face when he heard you laugh. “You’re the best girlfriend.” He put his lips on the top of your head, staying there for a second before kissing it. “I love you.” 

“Love you too.” 

~

“Y/N, can you come over here?” Shawn asked from the doorway that lead outside. You were at your parents house and there was a campfire set up outside, waiting for everyone to gather around. 

“Yeah, just let us finish this round,” you said dismissively. You and your brothers were playing Mario Carts and you were about to win when you got hit by someone’s power up. “Who did that?” 

Both of your brothers laughed and you sent a glare in their direction. “You’ve got to be kidding me! How did you win that one?” one of them asked. 

“Skills, baby.”

“One more round.”

“You’re on.”

“Y/N,” Shawn chuckled from the doorway, walking towards your place on the couch.

“What, babe?”

“There’s a fire outside. Come on, let’s go.” The hand he had stuck in his pocket fumbled with the case he had been carrying around for a while. “I have something important to ask.” 

“You can just ask me here.” Your eyes never left the screen in front of you as you talked to him. 

“You have to come outside.” 

“It’s gonna have to wait then.” 

Shawn shook his head. It was going to take a lot to get you outside. “You’re crazy,” was all he mumbled before leaving a kiss on the top of your head. You leaned slightly into him and he wrapped an arm around you. “Love you babe.” He pressed another kiss to your head and walked outside, looking at the perfect proposal scene in front of him. 

Wedding Kisses

He couldn’t take his eyes off of you. From the moment you walked down the aisle to the moment he was told he could kiss the bride, Shawn’s eyes were on you. 

“You may kiss the bride,” Shawn didn’t wait a second, wrapping his arms around you and dipping you before crashing his lips on yours. You were both in fits of giggles afterwards, you telling him that you thought you were going to fall over with how clumsy he was. 

“I would never drop you, my dear,” was the only response he had. It seemed like he couldn’t get enough of you all night either, kissing you every chance he got. 

It took all his willpower not to kiss you during your first dance. It was all he wanted to do, yet he realized that he had all the time in the world to do it. With your head on his shoulder and his head resting on top of yours, he was able to sneak in a few to your temple. He could feel you smile on his shoulder every time he did, and nothing had ever given him a better feeling. 

All too soon, the night was over, but he kept kissing you everywhere he could reach. 

“I’m never going to get tired of this,” he mumbled as you swayed together in your apartment. You were holding each other close, swaying to the music playing from your phone. 

“Me either.” 

Last First Kiss came on, and you both burst into a fit of giggles. 

“Can you believe this is where it started?” you asked, lifting your face from his chest to get a full look at his face. “Six whole years ago.” 

“You were so cute back then.” His head fell back in laughter when you swatted his arm with a fake frown. 

“I was. Too bad I’m so beautiful now.” 

“All the better, my dear. Everything about you is magnificent.” He dipped you and leaned down to kiss you again, smiling as he realized this is how he got to spend the rest of his life. 

Forehead Kisses

“Alright, three, two, one!” He shouted from three rows back. You were at one of the areas Shawn was performing in that night. You thought it would be cool if you jumped off the stage and struck a pose in the air. The stage wasn’t too far off the ground. What could go wrong? 

You jumped as high as you could, sticking both your arms in the air and making a silly face. Everything was fine until you landed. Your feet gave out from under you and you landed hard on your left knee. “Fuck!” 

“Babe,” Shawn ran towards you kneeling down next to you and trying to get you to sit back. “Are you okay? What hurts?” 

“My knee.” You voice came out strained and you hugged it close to your chest. “Holy shit.” 

“It’s alright babe, I’ve got ya.” He carefully picked you up bridal style and carried you backstage to get you checked out. He sat down and laid you across his lap, allowing you back to rest on the armrest of the couch. 

Your face was still contorted in pain, grimacing more when you knee was being inspected. 

“It’s gonna be alright, babe,” Shawn whispered, pressing his lips to your forehead and letting them linger for a second. You curled up closer to him, signifying that you wanted to stay like that. He smiled in adoration and put his lips back to your forehead, staying like that until you were able to stand up and get back to his dressing room. 

~

“Breath with me, baby,” you whispered as you held him close. You took deep breaths, trying to get him to sync with you. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” Soon enough, his breathing became more regulated and you were able to pull back slightly to get a better look at his face. 

He was a mess. His anxiety had been through the roof the past few weeks and tonight was his breaking point. Luckily, you had been there when he needed you and you were able to calm him down. 

“You’re okay,” You said softly, running your fingers through his hair and pushing you lips to his hairline. You left a few pecks there before pulling him down to lay on your chest. 

“You are so strong,” your lips were still pressed to his forehead, “and I am so proud of you.” 

Belly Kisses

“Shawn, he’s kicking!” you shouted from the bedroom, placing your hands on your stomach as you felt the flutters. 

Shawn all but ran to the room, dropping to his knees and placing his hands on your belly to feel. “Oh my gosh. He’s kicking.” His smile reached his ears as he looked up at you. “That’s our kid.”

“That’s our kid,” you confirmed, placing your hands on top of his. 

“I love our little bub. I love you,” He stated simply, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on you belly, taking in the moment. After a few seconds he picked his head up and started blowing raspberries on your belly, causing you to shake with laughter. 

“Shawn!” He was mesmerized by the sight. His beautiful wife, pregnant with their child, laughing like he had just told the funniest joke in the world. He placed a quick kiss to your belly before standing up and cupping your cheeks, kissing you like the night of your wedding. 

Temple Kisses

“Shh, Jack. It’s okay, mommy’s got you.” You said as you rocked your two week old son in his room. It was one in the morning and you were beyond exhausted, but Shawn needed to rest. He had a long day of interviews coming up that day and you didn’t want him to be tired. Of course, Jack had other plans. 

His cries seemed to be intensifying by the minute, leaving you to hope that he wouldn’t disturb Shawn. You felt like you had tried everything. You had fed and changed him. You even went as far to change his pyjamas, hoping that maybe he just didn’t like the material. Nothing seemed to be working. Sometimes, you knew, he just needed his dad. You were hoping that wasn’t the case tonight. 

Your hopes were crushed when you heard soft footsteps coming down the hallway and the door opening slowly. 

“Sorry. I was trying to let you sleep but he won’t stop crying and I don’t know why.” You were close to tears and Shawn could tell that you were frustrated. 

“No, no, it’s okay. Let me try.” He took the wailing baby from your arms and started bouncing to soothe him. It took a few minutes for it to stop, but Jack eventually started to calm down, falling asleep on Shawn’s shoulder. “There we go.” Shawn carefully placed his son back in his crib and turned to look at you. “He just need his daddy tonight.” 

You were almost asleep standing up and Shawn smiled to himself. His perfect little family all in one room. You jumped slightly when you felt his arms wrap around you. 

“You’re such an amazing mom. I hope you know that,” he mumbled into your shoulder. 

“You’re an even better dad.” You turned your head to kiss him on the temple, sliding your head down afterwards to rest on his shoulder. 

He pulled his head up to kiss your temple in return before saying, “I am so lucky to have you two.” You looked up and smiled tiredly, allowing him to see the dark circles under your eyes from multiple nights of interrupted sleep. “Let’s get you to bed, pretty mama. You need some sleep.”

[pretendrocketships]

Fine Line

About: You hold your boyfriend’s hand, but Shawn’s heart.

A/N: I’m sorry. 3.5k of just pure fucking angst. Feedback is wanted ! Ask is open

Song: Fine Line by Harry Styles

--

Charlie put you down and pushed you up against the wall. He littered your neck with kisses. You laughed and ran your hands through his hair. Shawn frowned and moved to get out of the chair. You heard the chair creek and moved away from Charlie to lunge at Shawn. “Shawn!” you yelled and ran into his arms. 

“Hi,” Shawn whispered quietly, barely hugging back. You looked up at him. 

“Shawn, I haven’t seen you in three months, and this is all I get?” You’d been home from your semester abroad for a few weeks. He shook his head and forced a smile. 

“Yeah, sorry. Hi, (Y/N).” You smiled and hugged him tighter. 

“Hi Shawn.” Charlie walked over and placed his hand on your waist. Shawn let go of you and allowed Charlie to pull you into his arms. 

 “We missed you, babe.” Charlie whispers into your hair. His nose was always running along your hairline, getting a whiff of whatever new shampoo you were using that month. If you could freeze the moment, you swore you would. Life was better with your boyfriend, and Shawn, by your side.

“Yeah,” Shawn added. He wasn’t looking at anyone, he couldn’t look at anyone. 

“You better have,” you directed that one at Shawn. Despite being home, he always had something occupying his attention that wasn’t you.

“The rest of the gang will be here later on for your welcome back party,” Charlie informed you, lips assaulting the side of your face. 

“W-what?” you asked smiling up at him. You were giddy at the thought of finally seeing all your friends again. 

“Shit!” Charlie said smacking his hand to his forehead. “Fuck, I was supposed to wait until the party to tell you wasn’t I?” You laughed. 

“Yeah, we were going to um, surprise her,” Shawn muttered. His hands played with the rings on his fingers. 

“How did Shawn know that and you didn’t Charlie?” Charlie laughed and squeezed you. The feeling of his arms around you would never get old, you thought. 

“Well Shawn did like plan the whole thing.” You turned to smile at him.

”You did?” He was forced to look down at you, to look into the eyes that made his heart ache and race at the same time. His words got caught in his throat. It was the first time in three months that Shawn was able to look into your eyes. For a second, he was able to go back in time. Back before you left, when everything was okay. 

“Yeah, Shawn planned most of it. He started planning even before you left I think. Right, Shawn?” Charlie asked. The few seconds he had to think back on the time you had together wasn’t enough. No amount of time would be enough. But he had to snap out of it. 

“Uh yeah, before she left.” You moved to kiss him on the cheek. 

“Thank you, Shawn.” His hand flew to your waist as you started to pull away. You froze, and Charlie watched intently. Shawn had his eye closed. He tried to soak up your warmth, the feeling of your body so close to his, anything he could before you moved. Before you left him. As Charlie opened his mouth to question Shawn’s actions, Shawn blinked his eyes open.

“Sorry, just--sorry.” He couldn’t explain it. Brian had asked him time and time again what was going on with his best friend, but he didn’t have answers. He couldn’t explain the way you made him feel. He could sense you. And that made no fucking sense, and he knew it. You just gave off these -- fuck. He couldn’t explain it, not by any capacity. He knew what it was, kind of, but fuck. 

“You wanna change? Shower before the party?” Charlie said as he pulled you into his chest. You nodded while smiling up at him. 

“Yeah, feel kinda gross from the airport. I’ll be quick I swear!” you said smiling, no, beaming. God it felt good to be home. Shawn silently floated to the corner of the room to grab your bag. He went upstairs while you were still talking to Charlie and set it beside the bed. Well, he aimed to set it on the bed, but his hand slipped and the bag came crashing to the floor, the contents of the top pouch spilling open. He got to his knees to try and put everything back, He put back bobby pins, scarves, and hair clips. He went to put back your old Hollister t-shirt from summers ago when you were kids, until he saw it. His hands shook as he carefully untangled a gold necklace from the cotton of the t-shirt. 

“Oh my god,” he choked out. His nimble finger shook as he held a crescent moon in his hands, a gift he gave you right before you left. He turned it over to find the familiar engraving ‘Wherever you go’. He played with the necklace, back and forth between his fingers until he heard giggles and loud footsteps ascending up the stairs. He wiped his eyes and folded the necklace back up inside the shirt. He zipped your bag and slipped out of the room, moving as far as he could in the opposite direction. He sat in the guest room with his head in his hands. 

“I’m gonna get ya!” he heard Charlie yell. You squealed in response. Slam. The bedroom door closed. 

“Charlie, no!” If not for your laugh afterwards, he would’ve gotten up to save you, like he always does. Slam. The bathroom door closed. He squeezed his eye shut, trying not to picture what was going on just feet away from him. Just like that, he found himself crying.

“Fuck,” he mumbled and pawed at his eyes with his sleeve. He just wanted to sleep, because that’s where he can remember. There, he can remember the time you went for ice cream, and it started raining, so he gave you his jacket. . . to cover your ice cream. He can remember stealing ten pieces of bread from Panera because you suddenly decided you wanted to feed birds. He didn’t even like fucking birds, but he did it for you anyway. It hurt. It hurt seeing all those times you were happy with him, but he put himself through the pain because he wanted to remember you. He wanted to remember the way you smiled at him. Fuck, he wanted to remember how amazing it felt to make you smile, to be able to say he was the one who put that big, goofy smile on your face. Thinking about you killed him. He would wake up in the night gasping and clutching his chest because his dreams felt so real. His dreams fucked him over. They made him believe everything was okay, and that you were still just laughing with him. But things weren’t like that anymore. You didn’t have video game competitions anymore. You didn’t make really gross smoothies for each other to drink. You smiled politely. You pretended. You forgot. 

“Shawn!” He snapped out of it. “Shawn, we're going to the store to get a few things for the party. If people start coming, let them in okay?” 

“Yeah,” he called out weakly, not even sure you heard him.

“Bye, Shawn!” you yelled while walking away from his door. Nope. He couldn’t do it. He rolled onto his side and stuffed a pillow under his arms. He grimaced remembering the time you got too drunk to drive and called him to pick you up. He swears it was the hottest night of the year, and you came into his car soaked. He remembered you laughing and playing with his curls. What a long time ago. He sniffled and closed his eyes, awaiting the dream and torture you brought. 

He was up when all the boys came, he just didn’t come down. More noise. More people. Still no Shawn. He stayed by himself upstairs for a while. Thinking and thinking. He did it on purpose. He did it to punish himself. Remind him of what you looked like when you could’ve been his, and what you acted like when you officially weren’t. He imagined all the things you could be doing together. He imagined you taking walks in the park and laughing at kids being kids. He could see you having races in the grocery store and getting kicked out. He could--

“Knock knock.” He shot up. A hand was running itself through his hair as he got up to unlock the door and open it. Your kind eyes met his red ones. “Shawn! Are you okay?” you said moving closer and inspecting his eyes. You moved your hand from his chin to gently rub under his eyes. 

“Yeah fine, just tired.” You smiled softly at him. That damn smile. He had to look away. He couldn’t bear it for more than a few seconds. That smile that could fix all things, make anything better. 

“Come down. Why don’t you come down? Don’t you want to see how nice everything you planned turned out?” He forced another smile. Boy, was he used to this. 

“Yeah, I’ll come down in a minute.” You pouted. He saw you pout. He died inside. 

“Shawnnnn pleaseeeee? I-“ 

“Yeah, I’ll come.” Honestly, he just wanted to shut you up. The way your sickeningly sweet voice whined his name did things to him. Hadn’t he had enough today? You smiled and grabbed his hand leading him down the stairs. He didn’t want to cut you off because he loved hearing your voice, but he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t fucking take it. Why couldn’t you just get that? Why did you have to make it so hard to not get caught on every word you said. You pulled him down, right into the chaos. Charlie smiled with a drink in his hand. 

“Hey! Looks like you made it, no Apple Maps necessary.” You fell right into Charlie’s arms. How did Shawn know that? Because it was either him or Charlie, and you always chose Charlie. You smiled up at Charlie. 

“That for me?” He shook his head. 

“Ah ah ah, this is mine.” You reached for the drink, but Charlie held it higher. “No, babe.” You play fought in front of Shawn’s eyes, causing his feet to immediately lead him away. He went to the kitchen to grab a beer. When he closed the fridge, he found Brian

. 

“Hey! Shawn! Was wondering when you’d show up.” Shawn’s eyes scanned the room for a bottle opener. Brian took a sip of his drink. “You did a really nice job with this. (Y/N) loves it.” he said scanning the room, a great party in full swing. Shawn nodded, found a bottle opener and walked to the basement. Brain followed. “Shawn, what the hell?” Brian asked. 

“Not now, Brian,” Shawn muttered and made himself comfortable in the empty basement. 

“What’s going on with - is this about (Y/N)?” Brian asked in realization. Shawn took a long sit staring at the door. “Shawn, fuck. You can’t keep doing this shit to yourself. I know you l-“ 

“Don’t.” Shawn spat, gripping his drink tightly. He was on edge, and he knew it. He usually talked himself out of this mental state, but there was nothing he could do when he already got there. Brian sat down next to him. 

“Shawn, you can get any girl. Why (Y/N)? She’s just a girl, Shawn, a taken girl at that.” Shawn got up, angry. 

“Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I want to spend every waking and sleeping moment thinking about her? Thinking about every memory we had together? Do you really fucking think that’s how I want to spend my day? Because it’s not. It’s fucking not. It’s hell staying up at night think about what she’s doing or if she’s cold or some dumb fucking shit like that, but that’s how my fucking brain works, and that’s what I have to deal with every night. And you know what? I’m controlling it. I’m keeping it to myself and staying quiet because I would rather relive every painful memory than have her unhappy.” 

Brian was shocked. Shawn was shocked. Shawn stood and Brian sat in silence, Shawn’s words floating around the air. He heard scampering feet coming down the stairs. “Fuck,” he groaned and sat back on the couch. 

“I’ll tell whoever it is to go away. We’re talking about this, Shawn. You can’t keep this to yourself any longer.” Brian got up to tell the random partier to go away, until you revealed yourself. Brian widened his eyes and nodded to you before heading out of the door. “Well if you find more ice, tell me Shawn.” And with that, Brian was gone, leaving you and Shawn alone. 

“Why do I feel like you’re running away from me?” He laughed half heartedly. 

“I’m not.” 

“Shawnnn,” you whined. He quickly looked away from you trying to block you out. He couldn’t do it. Not now. You frowned. “I knew it.” 

“Knew what,” he asked, still not looking at you. Your cold finger turned his head so he was looking directly into those eyes that got him in trouble in the first place. 

“I knew you were upset with me.” He sighed deeply, eyes closed. 

“If only you were right,” he whispered. 

“What? Shawn what is going on?” He removed your hand from his face and turned away. 

“Don’t, (Y/N).” You furrowed your brows, annoyed. 

“Don’t? Don’t what? Don’t try and ask my friend why he’s being an ass?” you snapped. He rolled his eyes. “No! No, Shawn, you’re being fucking terrible right now. I just got back, and you’re pulling this shit!” He nodded 

“Uh huh, yeah.” He knew how to push your buttons. He knew you. You got up and started pointing and yelling. He leaned back into the couch and smirked. 

“Stop smirking you asshole! I’m trying to be nice and talk to you even though you clearly don’t want to be at this party-“

“Never said that,” Shawn interjected, firmly but quietly. You laughed. But it wasn’t your usual carefree blissful laugh, but a laugh filled with anger and spite. 

“You don’t have to, Shawn! I’m not fucking blind, but I am annoyed as hell. It’s like before I left you were all sad about me leaving but the second I’m back home you look like me coming back home was the least of your worries.” He’s not sure if you’re familiar with what he’s going through right now. He’s able to admit he’s at a point where he’s so exhausted with putting on a front. But, he feels like he’s backed into a corner so packed, Shawn’s not even sure there’s a way out. He wanted to let you get your frustrations out because God does he wish he could do the same, so for now he just lets you talk until your cheeks get warm from screaming and your arms get tired of flailing at him. 

He guessed you had plenty of material already prepared because you went on for seven full minutes about how he had been acting weird and distant and it was “quite frankly the most irritating thing,” a direct quote. Shawn’s anger at your misunderstanding of the situation was quickly fleeting as he realized this was the only alone time you’ve had since your arrival. He leaned back further on the couch he plopped himself in mid lecture and fluttered his eyes closed, a pleasant smile resting on his face. “ARE YOU KIDDING.” Oh you were mad now. 

“What’s wrong now, honey? You stopped your wild arm flailing and angry eyes at the mention of his usual pet name for you. ’See,’ he thought to himself. ‘I. Know. You.’ It caught you off guard, not hearing him share his usual affection for a while, an affection you had never admitted you had grown accustomed to. You sat down beside him, out of creative ways to yell at him about the same thing. 

“Shawn, what’s going on?” You were confused. That you could admit. One minute he was the guy who practically lived at your house, coming over to kill every bug or roach you think you might have seen at all hours of the night, but the next minute he was talking to you only when spoken to, reserved and more quiet than you have ever known him to be. Once he heard your question, it was his turn to laugh. 

“God, it's been years and you really don’t get it do you?” He put his head in his hands while he messed with his curls, a nervous habit he picked up from you. “Are you bad at picking up signals or have I truly mastered the art of subtly?” Before you could go ahead and tug at your own hair out of frustration, ready to snap back at him asking what in the world he was talking about, he stopped you. “It’s my turn. Let me talk now.” You nodded, still trying to comprehend what was going on. He laughed softly to himself. “I know you’re pretty dense, so you still might not get this.” 

He was tired. He was tired of listening to you. He was tired of sitting back and to getting shit in return. He just needed to feel you, just once, that’s all he needed. He had an excellent memory. One time could last a lifetime. He wrapped his hand around your waist, not softly like Charlie did, but needy, passionate, desperate. He was desperate, and he didn’t mind admitting it. He needed you. He was desperate for a piece of you that he could call his. 

“Shawn. . .” you trailed off. You looked into his eyes for an answer that just wasn’t coming. 

“Just,” he stopped. He would never have the right words for this, no matter how many times he imagined in his head, nothing would compare to the real thing, right here. “Just let me.” Your mouth was just like he imagined. He knew every corner of it from a made up memory. Snap out of it Shawn. He did, when he felt one, tiny hand pressing against his chest. He pulled away to look in your eyes. You opened your mouth to talk, but he cut you off quickly. “Stop.” He took a deep breath and looked into your eyes. “I love you.” He paused to study your face. Your eyes widened, and your jaw dropped slightly. He saw you fidgeting and grabbed one of your hands. He noticed the chipped, silver nail polish and smiled to himself. “This was the color you were wearing when we went on that road trip. You know-“ You cut him off this time and smiled at your hand. 

“Yeah, we went to that dinner in Montreal.” He laughed. 

“Well we didn't. The diner was closed down, remember?”  You joined in quiet laughter. 

“We probably should have checked before we left.” His laughter died down. 

“Yeah, probably.” Silence.

“Shawn?” He shook his head and half smiled before starting again. 

“I’m not asking you to leave Charlie for me. I’m not asking for us to run away together-“ 

“Then what are you-“ he raised his eyebrow, signaling your silence. 

“I’m just asking for one night.” He pulled you closer. “I just need to be with you for one night, and that’ll last me a lifetime. You looked away from him. 

“Shawn, shawn this is a lot for me to even process right now.” He pulled you even closer. 

“I know, I know. I know how fucked up it sounds, but I need this. Please, (Y/N), I need this. If I knew what it was like to be with you for just one night, I could - fuck, I could try and cope with losing you. Charlie’s drunk out of his mind, and we’ve all had at least a few drinks. Please, just give me this one thing.” You forced yourself to look at him. 

“Charlie and I are, well it’s complicated, Shawn. This would complicate things. I can’t do this right now.  I can’t live with that” 

“I didn’t think I could live without you, but I did it, I’m doing it. It hurts like hell, and sometimes I have to keep things to myself, but I’m doing it.” He rubbed his nose against yours. “I need you to say yes.” He leaned down and made no move. His lips were dangerously close to yours, way too close for comfort on both of your scales. When you made no indication that you were going to lean in and give him what he wanted, he pulled back with a sigh. 

“Shawn I’m s-“ you began, ready to spill out a long list of apologies he was sure you had already memorized.

“Don’t,” he finished. Short and Sweet. Then there was a silence.