#Tells anyone BUT ME about our relationship so I'm always the last to fuckin know

[aw-bean-s]

sometimes I just wish my friends liked me the way other people's seem to

[queenofbaws]

these weeks just...just keep comin, huh??? like they don't stop or something ;P

another quick update from queenie hq: things are going to c o n t i n u e to be sporadic and strange on my end for the next couple weeks. i'm going to be hosting family, again, until roughly the end of the month, so alas, i'm not anticipating a ton of writing time. or relaxing time. or time where i'm not gritting my jaw and screaming internally. SUCH IS LIFE!

however, i'm totally psyched to report i fiiinally got to cross one long-running wip off my list (the tale(s) of the champion), and oooh the feeling of seeing a complete checkmark for that baby over on ao3 is fueling the fire for me to wrap some others up too ;P my plan for the time being is still to try and get out a chapter or two of like wringing blood in the near future, but i'm also going to be working on finally wrapping of mummy men & bathtub soup so i can open the door for other CREEPs projects. we shall see.

as always, i've thrown some snippets under the cut - strictly supermassive projects this time, hehe - and i hope you're all doing well <3

of mummy men & bathtub soup

“Uh huh. Look. I’m sure you guys have something hilarious planned for me tonight. Another A+ jumpscare courtesy of Washington Pictures, Inc. And I’m also sure that the more of this crap you get me to gobble up, the antsier all your cloak and daggers bullshit makes me, the funnier it’ll be when I fall into a swoon or whatever, but it’s not happening. Am I the brightest bulb in the lamp? No! I’m not! Am I the sort of moron who gets bit by a dog and tries to pet it a second time? Also no!”

Sam had barely started shaking her head when Fliss joined them, an unspoken question in her eyes. She latched onto her instead. “People keep talking about last night. I've heard someone mention weird stuff happening on at least three separate occasions already, so if anyone could give me just a little context, that would be so great.”

“Weird is…one way to put it,” Fliss said. “It’s not the word I would’ve picked. Freakish, maybe. Terrifying, definitely. It must’ve taken you guys forever to set that up! It was—”

“Oh no,” she breathed, dropping her head into her hands. Conrad almost expected her to sink into a nearby chair or go full-on crisscross-applesauce on the floor, so intense was her reaction. She didn’t: If anything, she set her shoulders and squared herself off, assuming the air of a battle-hardened soldier. “Okay. Okay. Okay. Listen to me. I know you think this is about you because you think everything’s about you, but I am telling you, it's not."

upcoming CREEPs project with a title that 100% spoils ALL the surprise of it and thus will not yet be included asdlkfjalskjfklsjdf

“Any word from our housetergeist?”

“Uh, not unless they suddenly share yours and Josh’s love of absolutely inscrutable inside jokes,” Ashley called back, equal measures relieved and disappointed to see the fridge decorated with the same message the guys had put up before their trip: DO THE BARTMAN. Rolling her eyes, she pulled the door open and rummaged around, making a happy little sound when she spotted what she’d wanted. “Hey,” she called again, “are you gonna be upset with me if I drink the last cream soda?”

“Josh might be!”

“I wasn’t asking about Josh, you dip! I was asking about you!”

“Oh. Then, yeah, heartbroken. I-I-I don’t know how I’ll survive! I might have to reassess this whole relationship thing. Honestly, I can’t believe you’d do something as heinous as drink the last cream soda! I thought I meant something to you!”

She grabbed the can and shut the door, groaning, “Ha ha,” before stopping cold.

The fridge magnets had moved.

a fic that started as a joke post but now has almost 40k words written for it

“Hey,” he said, giving the grate a hard shake. They all winced, pulling even farther away until they pretty much fell on top of each other. “Chill. They’re fuckin’ dead. Shit’s fine. Don’t be weird about it.”

Good deed done, he turned back around to rejoin the guys, and—fuck.

Right away, Bobby knew he didn’t like the way Chris was sizing them up. He didn’t know why he didn’t like it, he just knew it spelled trouble, one way or another.

Jack seemed to agree with him. “No,” he said long before Chris even opened his mouth. “Whatever it is you’re brewing in that snowglobe you call a skull, quit while you’re ahead. Or while you still have a head.”

“Your plan didn’t work.” For someone who usually stayed at base during their hunts on account of ‘not wanting to die the world’s stupidest death,’ Chris sure was sticking his finger awfully close to Jack’s face. That was biting range. And Jack could move quick when he wanted to. “Your plan worked even less,” he continued, moving that finger to Travis’s face instead, and Jesus Christ, that was worse!

Travis didn’t answer him. Not at first. He sucked his teeth, though. Stared at Chris’s finger. Probably thought about breaking it off if he didn’t get it out of his face. “If you don’t get that outta my face, I will break it off, so help me God.”

Yeah. Checked out.

[babydinojojo]

Day 18(8/12/24)

Man, a lot has happened in this past month and shit. Some good, some bad, some I don't fuckin know. Well let's start with the good.

Summer youth finally ended and shit thank god I don't have to go back to that hell hole if a camp ever again, and I'm glad I'm also away from them annoying little spoiled brats, and bro when I say their brain rot is really bad, IT'S BAD! Bro I kid you not these kids were saying "What the sigma" "Skibbdi" and shit and like... Is their generation really fuckin screwed???? These fuckin kids bro were spoiled like how do y'all have iPads at such a young age :/, and not to mention this kid named Ky and that girls table was nice until they got to the last two weeks. The boys table was just straight up annoying, Yes Rohan you were annoying especially nigga always got 15 minutes off gym EVERY FUCKING day except the last 2 days he was here. If I'm being honest here I'd never work with kids again in anyway shape and/or form again.

Me and Vanni celebrated our one year anniversary two weeks ago today, and yea we did a movie sorta marathon, but I enjoyed it at least! We watched this movie, well I forgot what it was called, but it was like this guy had DiD and Vann Vann mentioned how Will was meant to be like this except the DiD part. Well we also got our relationship back on track after..... THAT happened and hey we've been going strong for the past month and frankly I haven't really talked to anyone but her in the past couple of months. I've kinda cut off my friends and sorta just surrounded myself with her, and frankly I'm glad I did, my friends would've just gotten in the way of everything, they're nothing but burdens on me, and hell I don't even consider some of them real fuckin friends. I mean me and Angel still talk but that ain't nothing really, we was close but not anymore and frankly I'm ok with it.

I haven't told Vanni this yet, but I recently discovered what's been preventing me from regressing as of lately. It's my brother, surprise surprise, he's been preventing me from regressing, and it just makes me sad cause he never treats me with any sorts of respect nor does my sister. She hates me for legit no reason at all, and I never did anything to her. Yesterday she fuckin hit me on the head for legitimately no reason and shit and frankly I'm tired of the way she treats me. I never did anything to her at all and I'm frankly confused in why she treats me like this. It's like my sister and brother are both against me for no reason.

Jayden got a new girlfriend, and deadass I fucking hate her annoying ass. They always calling each and EVERY moment of every day and it's like bro why???? I don't call Vanni every waking minute of the day, and yet he does????? Mom tried to do something about it yesterday and she lectured him about him treating me like my equal... Yea you wonder why my grades lower than usual. It's cause of that dumbass. Nigga is ALWAYS on the phone late fucking night and I'm always so damn sleepy to the point where I always forget things or overlook things sometimes this is just ridiculous. Mom rarely does anything about it, and she just lectures him and shit and don't really do anything about it, she just tells him to go to bed and shit and never just.... This is just making me upset just talking about it...

Tigger Warning: Contents from here might involve Depression/Suicidal thoughts/Self Harm

I always had this thought on myself lately where I was just a burden to everyone I know, and even to Vanni, and it's like... I don't know why people want to be around me at this point... I overlook shit, I don't listen, I'm a overweight piece of shit who does nothing but slob away on the couch/in his room all day, and lately every day waking up and getting out of bed has been feeling like a chore. I always let everyone down, I let my parents down with my bad grades and the fact I weight the exact weight as my mom..., my sister hates me for no reason...., my brother doesn't even care about my feelings, I'm always gaslighted or manipulated by everyone in they mother, It's just... I feel like nobody cares about my feelings or ask how I'm doing. I always ask people and shit how they're doing, but yet they never did the same for me....

You know if they're one thing that comforts me at night, it's just... there's an escape from this world. I already planned it out in my head, but it'll never happen cause I don't wanna commit offing myself...

On one faithful day, I was gonna pull up to school but put my stuff down in the library and watch some of the last YouTube videos I'll ever watch... I order a lunch from the cheesecake factory and pick it up from there, and it's a very big meal. It'll be my last one after all. I'll eat it slowly and savor every last bite eating slowly... once I finish it and my drink along with my snacks... I'll say my final goodbyes to my parents, my siblings, and my friends.... and then Vanni.... it'll be one of the most heartbreaking, and gut wrenching goodbyes I would ever give someone... The amount of times I would apologize for doing this too her... But I can't take it anymore..... I wouldn't block her, and since she'll have access to all my social medias I'll give her full control of them from here on out... I love you Vanni... Always and forever... Please cherish the memories and love we've had for each other and thank you being apart of my life, I'll always be forever grateful for it... You really made one of the biggest impacts in my life and I thank you for trying each and everyday and for taking care of yourself... I'll see you in the next life one day Vanni... You'll have control of all my social medias from this day on you can do whatever you please.... After that final goodbye to Vanni... I'll delete my discord, and instagram accounts and uninstall the apps. I'll put my phone into my bag and leave the bag as I slowly walk out of the library and take one last look at the school I went to.... I walked myself to the Bryant Park train station and took a few trains too the East River... I jumped into the water and go deep effectively ending my pain.... As my soul leaves this world never to return...

But then again.... I have so much to live for after all. If I committed suicide I would be hurting everyone who loved me and cared about me to begin with. I can't do that to Vanni or my family.... I don't know I just feel depressed and sad at the moment, and if you come to think of it... I guess I did it too myself.

Onto the next Journal entry... or to emotionally manipulated or gaslighted because I don't know how to speak up for myself for Jack shit! Fuck my life man

[lupawolff]

I just finished stranger things season 4 and oh do I need to ramble. Zero clue how long this'll be but I don't really care and this probably won't be the end of the rambles either.

Man's instantly fell for our pretty blonde haired man. And oh turns out he's the big bad, I have a track record at this point of falling for villains/assholes. I was shocked to find out he was the little boy. I was curious why the little boy didn't like scream or have a reaction at the dinner table as his mother fuckin died. Just to turn out he did it, what a sick little whackdoo. Man's had a whole ass hunch he was number 1 and I was rightttt.

-

Will byers, first off I love him. But you can't tell me he isn't a flavor of queer. This season just really smacked us with it even more then last season. The yearning looks he was giving Mike. No best friend does that unless you're fruity. Like will has to be gay for all those smitten looks he was given. Eyes always on mike in certain scenes like huhh. If he isn't gay but some fuckin chance, he better be some form of aro ace cause that just feels right for his character too. Explains why we never seen him express any sort of attraction towards anyone, girl or boy. Like it totally fits except for those damn looks he gives mike. ALSO what's the drawing my boy, wanna share with the class?? It was so important you took it with you when you fled the house.

-

Joyce anytime she said she has 3 kids, like yes you do girlie thank you. Or when will or Jonathan mention, el as a sister. I will die for found families any day of the week omfg.

-

I feel so bad for chrissy and fred. I was generally really liking fred. Something about his little nerdy self spoke to me. Then chrissy poor girl, her mom is a total bitch. She deserves so much, she shouldn't have to worry about her weight like that.

-

Steve and Robin the dynamic duo, yes please. I loved the whole boobie scene and the Tessa muppet one. Really just shows their friendship and I adore it. Steve the entire season was just so ready to beat the shit out of something. The oar thing to I thought was hilarious. When we first see him with it, he has to drop it because eddy boy is ready to go rabid. Then we get to see him actually use it against the weird tentacle bats. I was just happy to see him actually use it and go ham, like yes you deserve this. Robin and her rambling is the best thing. Girlie just keeps going, number one fear is rabies followed up by earthquakes. SHES A BAND GAY, that shit had me cackling. Her style is amazing, I want to dress like her. The jacket alone is epic. Just a gay and their himbo.

-

Lucas babe, I'm sorry I doubted you there for a second. I'm pretty sure the whole group said high school was gonna be different and they wanted to be different going in. He just wanted to be popular and not bullied.

-

Dustin is such a good detective/theorist it's unbelievable. I love that kids mind. Him and Steve are truly brothers.

-

El and Mike better figure their shit out. Honestly hope they break up because their relationship is falling apart. Like I understand that the distance probably has something to do with it. But the lack of communication and just in general them. It's giving me andi and jonah from andi mack type vibes. Like neither knows what they really want, it's like their together still just to be together. I'm not saying that they don't love each other I guarantee they do, it's just that things have changed. Whether it's the distance, growing up, or anything else. Feelings change over time, them being together feels dragged out. They should just be friends for now, things could change in the future that's fine. But for now they're better off as friends.

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Spotlight: A Life Of A Troubled Celebrity Heartthrob Ch 3

Word Count 5,033

The first leg of the tour in the USA and Canada was complete and the next stop was Europe. Y/N had avoided Colson as much as possible and they had one or two brief run-ins but there were always people around. She had stayed at the penthouse with the others until they left for London.

So many times he had tried to call her, to talk to her, to try and get her attention but he always got cold feet. He had tried to get Jax to go and speak to her on his behalf, threatened him even but Jax wouldn't budge.

"She's a good girl and you're not worthy of her yet.. Leave her be." Jax said, causing him to become more frustrated.

"I always get what I want and I want Y/N. I'm going to get her with or without your help." He vowed.

"Why do you want her Colson? So you can hurt her? To ruin her? Just to stroke your ego?" Jax challenged. "Why would you want to pursue her when you have no good intentions towards her? You know you will go back to your old ways once you get what you want from her and ruin her for the next guy!"

"She's different from all the other girls I've been with.. I don't know okay??! I know I can't be faithful but I just want her!" He pulled his hair in frustration. "It may be for selfish reasons but -"

"Then what Colson?! After you promised to keep your distance you do a 360 and your hormones are taking over as usual." Jax bellowed, as he came face to face with Colson.

Daring him to say the wrong thing. He was ready for anything at this point. He couldn't understand why Colson would want to ruin a sweet, innocent girl like Y/N. Colson would never change for her-for anyone for that matter. It would take a miracle for that to happen.

Colson stared at him with his icy blue eyes and walked towards the window. He couldn't explain it but he wanted Y/N like he never wanted anyone before. Maybe it was in the way she looked at him, her melodic laughter, her natural beauty or her child like innocence. He couldn't quite place his finger on it but all he knew was that he had to have her. He was tired of being with shallow-minded, pea-brained girls that just wanted him for his fame and fortune-for his body. Y/N was just content with cuddling and talking or just sitting in a comfortable silence. He had never been with a woman that just wanted him for just him. They always had some hidden agenda-their career, money, sex-but Y/N had never exploited their relationship for personal gain.

From the first time he laid his eyes on her something inside him shifted. He had offered to drive her home although he knew that Jax was waiting outside. She was a mystery to him and he wanted to spend more time with her to try and unravel it. He had made sure to keep the music low so that they could talk-once again in his life he wanted to just talk to another person with no hidden motives.

"So tell me about yourself Bambi?" He had asked with genuine interest.

"Ummm..there's nothing much to tell." She twisted her fingers on nervously in her lap. She was shy. He decided there and then he would help her to break her out of her shell. He wanted to know everything about her but the ride was so short. There wasn't enough time.

"Then tell me a little?" He urged on.

"I-I..I'm a student at-uh- Cleveland State University..and I-want to major in music." She stumbled over her words and it made her even more appealing to him. Her long lashes brushed her cheeks as she blinked rapidly.

"My Dad-he died..three years ago and I live with my Mom."She said out of breath.

"Sorry..about your Dad. Mine is as good as dead." He frowned deeply. "But-your Mom? She's cool?"

"Yes-she's the best." She still wouldn't look at him and he wanted her to. More than anything he wanted to look into those big brown eyes.

He had pulled up outside her house and as she made a jump out he thought quickly.

"Hey, smile." He said as he put up his phone and snapped a selfie. It took her completely by surprise and she looked like a frightened deer in the photo.

"Let's try again?" She relaxed slightly and the next photo was definitely a Kodak moment.

"Do I make you uncomfortable??" His hand tightened on the steering wheel as he stole a glance at her. She was standing outside the car and boring a hole into the ground with her eyes.

"Yes." She squeaked. .

"Then we're going to have to do something about that Bambi." He chuckled as he stepped on the accelerator and turned up the music. She was going to be a challenge and Colson Baker always loved a challenge.

"Byron." He spoke through the phone. "I've changed my mind..I need you to set up that thing with Y/F/N Y/L/N."

"Sure thing Colson. I'm on it." Byron replied.

"One more thing-as soon as we get to London, make sure Y/N and I live separately from the rest. You think you can manage that?" It was more like an order and not a question.

"Consider it done." Byron said.

"Thanks Byron." He cut the call and smiled to himself. His plan was starting to come together. Byron could convince an Eskimo to by an ice-machine. Y/N wouldn't be able to say no once he worked his magic on her.

Colson went to take a shower with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. He was Colson-fuckin'-Baker after all. No one could say no to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they arrived in London their luggage was taken care of as usual and they were ushered to the waiting limo. By this time everyone was suffering from a mixture jet-lag, exhaustion, hangover and a dash of homesickness.

"Hey guys! Great to see you again." Byron was waiting to meet them outside. "I see you're all tired and stuff so I've instructed the driver to take you straight to Eaton Place. You will be staying at that penthouse for the next three days-then we leave for Paris. However, Colson will not be joining you this time he will be living at an undisclosed location-for security reasons."

"Any questions? Great. Go home and rest guys tonight will be a busy night." He turned to face Y/J. "Miss Y/L/N, you have to come with me. We have that meeting remember? This way please."

"Oh yeah, sure." Y/N turned to Ashleigh. "I'll see you later."

"Good luck. Call me okay?" They embraced quickly before Y/N went after Byron.

Not wasting a single minute, Byron dove right into it as soon as the car started moving.

"Y/N, you already know what this is about right? We spoke about it before and also last night on the phone." Byron asked.

"Yes but I'm not sure it's a good idea.." She said skeptically.

"I don't want to insult you-but what if I threw in some money to make it worth your while? Name your price."

"What? No! What do you take me for?" She cried out.

"Okay. Okay. Calm down," He raised both his hands. "What about an internship and a guaranteed job at XX Entertainment once you graduate? Sounds good huh?"

"Byron, I don't want to feel like you've bought me..Whatever job or post I get, I want to earn it. Not to get it because.." She felt so dirty right now and insulted. Was Colson behind this? She couldn't help but wonder if he was the one that put Byron up to this.

"Okay let's do this your way." He sighed and massaged his temple. "What't it going to take for you to go along with our plan? If not money then..should I appeal to your humanity?"

"Look..it's fine I will help-"

"Yes!" He threw his fist in the air in triumph.

"But on my own terms." She said firmly.

"Whatever you want Y/N. Name it and it's yours." Byron looked at her earnestly.

"I will only agree to this if you will allow me to call it off anytime." She swallowed hard.

"What? What do you mean?" Byron asked, confused.

"If I feel it's becoming to much for me to handle then I will pull the plug on this..thing-anytime-without notice. Any questions? Great." She opened the door and jumped out without waiting for a response.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The penthouse One Hyde Park in London was were Colson and Y/N would be co-habitating. Only she wasn't aware of this yet. She thought they were just coming here for a meeting to finalize their "deal", although she didn't want anything out of it. The house was a contemporary and modern property, sitting on over an acre with a large garden, set back, screened and secluded with automatic solid sliding gates. It had a roof terrace and jacuzzi. 5 bedrooms that overlooked the garden, 4 bathrooms, 4 reception rooms. The servants quarters were on the first floor along with a stunning spiral wine cellar. The property had under floor-heating, surround sound and electronic sliding curtains.

"Wow!" Was all Y/N could say as she twirled around the house in awe. Jax showed her to her room and turned to leave.

"Wait...am I going to be staying here? Where's everyone else?" She asked.

"I'm sure Byron will fill you in soon." Jax responded.

"Oh." Her face fell.

"Don't worry about your luggage Miss Y/L/N. I will send someone with it shortly." Jax assured Y/N. "Welcome to Colson's humble abode."

She felt like Belle in Beauty and the Beast at this precise moment. Surrounded by so much luxury and yet she felt so unhappy. She kicked off her shoes and threw herself onto the bed, where she fell into a fitful sleep.

Meanwhile Colson was pacing up and down his bedroom floor, trying to think of how to approach Y/N. He had never had to make a move on a girl, it was always the other way round. He was clueless when it came to girls.

"Byron! Jax! Get in here." He hollered as he leaned over the banister.

They came up to his room promptly and sat on the chaise lounge waiting for him to speak first. He was in a plain white t-shirt and sweat pants but still looked like he stepped out of a magazine. He sat at the edge of the bed and looked on them.

"Byron, any progress with OGB?" They had labeled it Operation Get Bambi.

"She's on board." He pursed his lips into a thin line.

"But..? He raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow.

"She wants it on her own terms..which she will discuss with you. But she's taking a nap now." He bounced his knee.

"Cool. I can handle that." He pushed his hair back and let out a sigh of relief.

He never expected her to agree but then again Byron could be very persuasive. He wondered what Byron had offered her in exchange for her help. She never struck him as a girl that could be bought but maybe he was wrong-maybe everyone had a price. His heart sank the more he thought about it. She was probably just like the rest he thought.

"So why the long face? I thought you would be glad-" Byron stated.

"How much?" He gulped and stared at the floor, not meeting Byron's eyes.

"She doesn't want anything. I offered her-" Byron sat forward and tried to explain.

"What??" He looked up in surprise, his blue eyes startled.

"I could have offered her all the money in the world but she would have still turned me down." He said dryly.

"That's my girl!" Jax grinned widely as he clapped his hands dramatically.

"Shut up Jax." Colson scowled but inwardly he was just about to burst with happiness. So he was right about her after all. He didn't know why but, he felt relieved beyond comprehension.

"Now you can see that I was right about her." Jax shot back.

"Whatever-is everything set for the concert tonight? What time is sound check?" His heart was racing at the thought of seeing her again, that she was under the same roof, sound asleep in the next room.

"Yes but I'm about to head over to Wembley Stadium now to check if everything is in order..so if there's nothing else..?" He stood up and straightened his suit.

"Nah, that will be all." He said with a wave of his hand. "Jax you can stay."

"Still up for the after party?" Byron asked as he stood at the door. They always had one after every concert at a five star hotel, but only the who's who of show business in the city were invited. It was strictly by invitation.

"What else do I have to live for?" Colson rolled his eyes. "But I'll just make a brief appearance for an hour or so, I really need to rest."

"See you in a bit." Byron saluted and left.

"So what's your game plan?" Jax pursed his lips.

"I thought maybe you could help me with that?" For once he looked uncertain. Jax's heart melted.

"If and a big if- if we going to do this then you going to have to change Colson. Otherwise I won't be a part of it." Jax said with seriousness written all over his face.

"Yeah, yeah spare me the lecture Jax." He gave himself a face-palm.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me, I'm being very serious right now." Jax said.

"Jax nothing in life is guaranteed man. People make up to break up and so on. You need to chill out man." Colson replied.

"Look I'm not expecting you to marry Y/N, ride off into the sunset, have adorable twin babies and live happily ever after. But if you don't have good intentions then let's drop it. You can have any girl you want Colson. Young and old, short or tall, they're yours for the taking. Just don't go and ruin an innocent girl just for kicks. That's just plain downright cruel."

"Why do you care so much anyway?? You don't even know her man!" Colson burst out.

"That doesn't make it right. You know what forget it. I'm out." Jax stood up but Colson pulled him back.

"Listen Jax, don't get your knickers in a twist..I hear you man. Now let's discuss this like adults? How do I get my girl?" Colson cocked his head to the side and smiled.

"Thought you would never ask." Jaxs' face broke into a grin as he sat down again.

Y/N's phone was vibrating somewhere on the bed and she finally heard it.

"Hello." She said, half awake.

"Hi sweetie. Sorry did I wake you?" Mrs Y/M/L/N asked.

"Hi Mom," She propped a pillow behind her back, "Don't worry I'm awake now. Is everything okay?"

"Yes. I just miss you that's all." She said wistfully.

"I miss you too Mom." All of a sudden she broke down and started crying. She was overwhelmed by a cocktail of feelings right now and she couldn't keep the tears back any longer. Hearing her mother's voice made her homesick and emotional.

"Hey honey? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Ye-yes." She tried to compose herself. "I guess I'm just tired. Haven't slept properly you know.." She sniffled.

"I thought you were having a great time? Did something happen? Is it Colson?" Her mother rained questions Y/N couldn't quite answer herself.

"No-yes I am Mom. It's been great. Colson's been great Mom." She reached out for a Kleenex and wiped her face and nose. There was a soft knock on the door and she asked her mother to hold.

"Come in." Y/N called out and immediately regretted it. Well kind off..

"Hey-is this a bad time? You're crying? Why? Is it me? Did I do this??" He rushed to her side and held her at arms length.

"No-wait.." She held up a finger to her lips. "Mom, can I call you back? Colson is here."

"Put him on the phone. I need to have a word with him." She demanded. Y/N was sure Colson heard that and her fears were confirmed when he held out his hand for the phone. She looked at him hesitantly then handed it over to him with resigned sigh.

"Hi Mrs Y/M/L/N. Colson Baker here." He turned on the Baker charm and there was no female on planet earth that was immune to it, so far anyway.

"Oh hi there-um-Colson." Y/N imagined her Mom fluffing her hair like she usually did. She had already fallen for the trap.

"I just wanted to thank you personally for allowing Y/N to come on this tour. She is such a breath of fresh air. You raised her well." He smiled at Y/N as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Oh thank you Colson. You don't have to say that." Mrs Y/M/L/N gushed.

"Anyway we got to run now, I promised to take Y/N for lunch and I'm a man of my word." Y/N gasped and he turned his back on her to keep from laughing.

"Really?? You don't have to! Surely you're too busy for that?" She asked.

"Anything for my Bambi." He said sweetly.

"Awww you even have a cute pet name for her?? You know they used to call her that in kindergarten?" She laughed.

"Really?? Why don't you tell me all about it when we visit this weekend?" He turned to face Y/N, her mouth almost hit the ground.

"You're coming over? Y/N didn't say.."

"It was a surprise but now it's out there." He shrugged.

"Okay let me not keep you then. See you then." He rang off.

"Explain Baker." Y/N crossed her arms and pushed her tongue in her cheek.

"Can we eat first sweets? I'm starved." He said with exaggeration. "Can we call a truce? No more mind games. No more ping-pong with feelings and let's learn how to communicate okay?" He held out his hand and she shook it. He would have preferred them to seal it with a kiss but he didn't want to get ahead of himself.

"So we're good?" He asked.

"Yes." She said with a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colson was lying on his bed but for the life of him he couldn't fall asleep. It was 3:00 am. He had sang his heart out at the concert, stayed very briefly at the after party and tried to get drunk but failed. Women had tried to entice him but he just wasn't interested. He kept his eyes on his prize all night. He even got jealous when a dark-haired guy approached her and engaged her in conversation. She seemed taken with him-they laughed, they smiled and even flirted. The guy kept her entertained most of the night and he saw them dance a couple of times. Finally, when he couldn't take it anymore he walked over and cut in. After the dance he faked a headache and asked Y/N if they could go home.

"Bambi? Can I come in?" Colson knocked softly on the door and got no response. He had a serious case of insomnia and this was his only remedy. All the alcohol that he had didn't seem to do the trick, even some stronger stuff-he was wide awake.

Colson opened Y/N's door slowly and found her fast asleep on top of the covers, her long legs overlapping each other and her flat stomach exposed. She was in shorts and a sports bra, her smooth, milky skin glistening in the moonlight, her hair fanned all over her pillow and her face looked so serene. He sat on the edge of the bed and lightly traced his fingers across her stomach and then up to her face. If it were possible, he could sit here and just watch her sleep all night but she would freak out when she woke up and found him staring at her.

Common sense told him to leave the room but he found himself jumping on the bed and snuggling behind her. Taking in her scent, nuzzling her neck and just reveling in being close to her. She was completely out because she never once moved. He gave a contented sigh as he put his arms around her and fell asleep almost immediately..

Y/N woke up an hour later feeling thirsty and tried to move but she was firmly secured in a grip. She woke up with a start and turned to see Colson sleeping like a baby. Just watching him sleep made her heart melt into a puddle. Her hand reached out on its own accord, to stroke his hair and his beautiful face.

A smile lit her face as she reached out for the glass of water on the nightstand. Colson Baker was lying in her bed in his bare necessities. He was right here with her and not some floozy or flavor of the night. This was the stuff dreams were made of. Her heart fluttered as she took in the sight before her again as she assumed her position once more. Their bodies fit so perfectly together when they were like this, if only it could apply in every area of their relationship. That's if you could even call it that. But a girl could only hope...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Y/N!" Ashleigh barged into the room, "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry-I didn't know-sorry!" She covered her face and quickly backed out. The said couple were deep in sleep and were oblivious to the intrusion, fortunately for Ashleigh.

"There is such a thing as knocking you know?" Jax stood at the foot of the stairs, with his hands behind his back, as she descended in a hurry.

"I didn't know-" She said, her face beet red.

"You should learn to expect the unexpected when it comes to those two." Jax said with a knowing look. He had learned that the hard way.

"I didn't expect them to be..you know..Gosh I wish I could unsee that!" She covered her face, trying to hide her embarrassment.

She didn't anticipate walking into Y/N's room to find her and Colson half-naked and glued to each others bodies. After all how could Y/N get with him after everything he had done to her? She just couldn't understand it. But then again this was Colson Baker and he was beyond irresistible. I mean who could say no to that hot body? If Ashleigh was in the same position then they definitely were not going to be sleeping.

"May I interest you in breakfast per chance?" Jax asked as he led her to the sitting room, drawing her out of her nasty thoughts. "What brings you here so early anyway?"

"It's way after 9 Jax." She flopped onto the couch. "I need to talk to Y/N..about something.."

"Well, you just have to wait or come back later?" Jax suggested. "When ever they sleep together they have been known to wake up way past noon..and we had a pretty late night coupled with the heavy hangover.." He perched on the armrest.

"What do you mean "when they sleep together?" She looked at him suspiciously.

"I think I've already said too much-breakfast?" He stood hastily and retreated to the kitchen.

"I think I'm going to go then!" She shouted after him and followed him to the kitchen.

"Slow your roll there little lady. I'm sure they will be up and about in no time." He said. "What would you like the chef to prepare for you?"

"An omelette and toast-he can be creative but I don't eat mushroom." She slid onto the stool by the kitchen island.

Y/N began to stir when she heard a murmuring of voices coming from downstairs. She tried to turn but Colson's arms-and legs were tightly wrapped around her. Why would anyone want to ever wake up from this, she thought as she tried to sleep again but Colson had other plans.

"Good morning sweets." He said, his voice still husky.

"Hey." She said nervously as his arms tightened around her waist

"I could get used to this." He buried his face into her hair and groaned.

"What? Waking up in someone else's bed?" She turned onto her back and faced him.

"Your bed you mean?" He smiled and pushed her messy hair back so he could look at her face. Never had he wanted the female specie as much as he wanted her right now. Never had he slept in a bed with a woman and just traded war stories. He knew that if he made a move she would comply but he couldn't. There was more to him agreeing to keep from jumping her bones but she was clueless, and he hoped it stayed that way until he had dealt with the issue. He would take that secret with him to the grave.

"No ping-pong remember?" She was saying to him. Maybe dreams do come true, she thought. Maybe he was really into her? But then again there was no telling with Colson Baker. He was just to complex and she didn't have the energy to try and figure him out.

"Yeah, yeah I get it but-I think we've already crossed that line Bambi.." He looked pointedly at their tangled limbs. Not to mention her undergarments left very little to the imagination. She looked at their entwined bodies and fell silent for a moment. They were in quite a predicament-it was clear as the light of day.

"Well..you decided to invite yourself into my bed Baker. After you promised to keep your distance." She said in defense mode.

"..and you were purring like a contented cat next to me. You never really put up any form of resistance sweets." His blue eyes twinkled like the sea when they were hit with the rays of the sun. The liquid courage had worn off and both of them were now completely aware of their actions. She felt her cheeks redden as she looked at Colson's inviting body . Fortunately, Y/N's phone broke the awkward moment.

"Hey Mom." Nice save Mrs Y/M/L/N.

"Hey sweetie. I'm sorry to disturb you but the press has been camped outside my house for two days now and-"

"What do they want? Why didn't you say something?" She sat up and Colson looked at her with concern.

"I'm sorry sweetie I just didn't want to worry you. Plus they have been blowing up my phone and my practice has been overwhelmed. I know I'm a good therapist but this has just been ridiculous. I have had people make appointments just so they can ask me questions about your relationship with Colson. Even your friends Liv and Lisa are being stalked-it's a nightmare. Urrgh.." She screamed in frustration.

"I'm so sorry Mom. This is all my fault. How can I fix it?" Y/N said with determination.

"No, no honey, don't do anything hasty. I think I'll just take a well needed vacation to Bora Bora or something and I think I have a conference coming soon-" She sighed.

"Should I come with you? I can-"

"No. You stay put. Besides, that will do more harm than good." She murmured.

"So what can I do?" Y/N raked her hair with her fingers. Colson motioned for her to hand over the phone and she gave it to him.

"Mrs Y/M/L/N. I'm sorry to hear about your little inconvenience but not to worry I got it handled." Colson said confidently. Y/N looked at him in disbelief-who did he think he was? Ethan Hunt?

"Oh really?" Mrs Y/M/L/N was equally shocked.

"I'll get my team to come and get you out of there and set you up in a place where you will be secured and- where you can enjoy your privacy once again." He assured her.

"Oh no Colson, you don't have to do that sweetie." She protested.

"I want to. Please let me? It would mean so much to me." The Baker Charm was turned on.

"Okay sure." Mrs Y/M/L/N caved in.

"Great." His face lit up. "One of my assistants will be in touch shortly."

"Am I still going to see you guys on the weekend?" She asked.

"Yes. We will be there sooner actually." Colson confirmed.

"I can't wait." She squealed in delight.

"Okay speak soon." Colson rang off.

"Colson Baker did you just lie to my mother?" Y/N said in bewilderment. There was no way they would go back to Ohio and back again to Paris in time for his show.

"FYI sweets my Paris Show has been cancelled because of the bombing at Ariana Grande's concert. I'm not taking any chances and my security team has advised against it. So..we can fly to Minnesota then straight to Norway after the weekend. Easy." He gestured with his hands.

"You're too sweet. I could kiss you right now." Y/N said without thinking.

"Then what's stopping you sweets?" He leveled his face with hers.

"I- we-can't." She hopped of the bed and grabbed a robe. "So what you got planned for today?" His heart sagged, he expected her to be all over him. Most girls would have jumped at the opportunity-but not Y/N.

"Pack your bags Bambi. We're going to Ohio." He said as he left the room, his shoulders sagged. She really wanted to kiss him but she wanted to tread carefully. Things between them were complicated enough.

Tagged: @kellysimagines

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Tori Amos quotes

- Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

- I think that people who can't believe in fairies aren't worth knowing.

- I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things.

- Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.

- I have so many different personalities in me and I still feel lonely.

- The violence between women is unbelievable.

- I'm too wacky for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?

- If they keep crashing stuff into the moon, the moon's gonna get pissed off, and the tides'll change, and all the women'll start PMS-ing together. Then you guys are going to fucking regret it.

- If you really want a challenge, just deal with yourself.

- I don't see myself as weird, I just see myself as honest.

- I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can't have the dream without the nightmare.

- Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much.

- Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.

- On some of my darkest days, Lucifer's the one who comes and gives me an ice cream.

- Most people would rather be sheep than stand on their own with antlers on.

- The sense of loss is such a tricky one, because we always feel like our worth is tied up into stuff that we have, not that our worth can grow with things we are willing to lose.

- When you've got the virgin and the whore sitting next to each other, they're likely to judge each other harshly.

- I think you have to know who you are.

- Get to know the monster that lives in your soul.

- Dive deep into your soul and explore it.

- I don’t want to renounce my dark side.

- The truth has always held an enormous interest for me.

- Healing for me is being able to sit next to the butcher and say 'Yes, I’m sitting next to the butcher now,' instead of saying 'there is no butcher'.

- This is very simple in the world of chicks; some are hoochies, some are not, and some should never try to be.

- We don't often see our own stories. Good artists are the ones that whisper our own stories back to us.

- Music is about all of your senses, not just hearing.

- Again, we go back to the power of words and how they can make you feel. They bring liberation or stagnation, they're chains.

- You don't have to apologize for growing and learning and changing your mind.

- Music has an alchemical quality.

- Certain relationships can just wear you down.

- Containment of your opinion is a must if you are going to nurture an artist's development.

- It's a good thing I'm curious, because sometimes I just research how a soccer player kicks a ball and the impact it has on his foot. I haven't used this yet, but I might.

- But over the years you can cultivate hate for the art you love.

- I don’t believe anyone’s story is boring. Every story has value because it belongs only to you.

- Sometimes I fantasize backstage about how people do their laundry. Woolite? Mixed-color loads? Do they fold? Do they press? Do they Shout it out? And the thing that kills me—do their whites come out dingy?

- Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change.

- We like our pain. And we’re packaging it, and we’re selling it.

- Festivals or radio shows can be the heavyweight championships of arrogantly detached clusterfucks.

- People who are addicted to power can live on the same street or attend the same school as us or even play on the world stage.

- None of us are this light and dark fantasy. What's dark to you may be light to me and vice versa.

- I don't think that many performers necessarily want to see their audience empowered. I think a lot of performers, no different from priests, need the hierarchy.

- Modern, celebrity-driven entertainment turns the stage into an altar, and so many celebrities refuse to be removed from those altars once they manage to ascend.

- All storytellers, all troubadours worth their salt knew their myths.

- The Sídh's historical myth is the source of the bastardized concept of a fairy—as if anyone gives a rat's ass.

- The problem with Christianity is, they think everything is about outside forces, good and evil. There's not a lot of inner work encouraged.

- Over the last few hours I've allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore.

- I'm the queen of the nerds.

- Don't give up. Don't listen to these foolish critics that are so small minded they don't get it tonight.

- Sometimes listening to music can motivate you.

- I think even in a good marriage, especially if you stay together long enough, there are going to be events that happen.

- An ounce of breast milk is even more potent than the finest tequila.

- Music is always a reflection of what's going on in the hearts and minds of the culture.

- Many people lock a part of themselves away. It's a bit sacred.

- I've always seen the songs as having a consciousness.

- Our world is a huge mess right now, and not big enough for masses of intolerant people.

- We are all fairies living underneath a leaf of a lily pad.

- That is some funky-fresh, pop lockin' shit.

- If I saw someone destroy a piano I'd fuckin' kill 'em. Wouldn't think twice.

- I experiment with things that are usually an internal experience, because that's just what excites me. And yes, it does sometimes give me visions.

- Some of those trips were eighteen hours long and I'll never forget, once I ended up sitting by the bush trying to ask the flowers why they didn't like me. It's like, Why can't I be your friend?

- You might not like my story because I'm not gonna tell you how it ends yet, and you need to travel it with me.

- I just imagined a huge juicy vagina coming out of the sky, raining blood over all those racist, misogynist fuckers.

- You can't control your popularity

- If you can't create physical life, you find a life force. If that's in music, that's in music.

- I started to find this deep, primitive rhythm, and I started to move to it.

-I held hands with sorrow, and I danced with her, and we giggled a bit

- I usually get myself into situations that cause sparks.

- I love feeling alive, I love walking out in the cold in my bare feet and feeling the ice on my toes.

- For the most part, pianos are female to me.

- Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it.

- In our minds, love and lust are really separated.

- I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs

- When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?

- Guys would sleep with a bicycle if it had the right color lip gloss on. They have no shame. They're like bull elks in a field.

- Your worst enemies are made when you ignore people.

- It's as if the horses have come to take us back, to descend, to find the dark side. By dark I mean what's hidden, not necessarily satanic.

- There's room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. If you're trying to be like somebody else, then there is isn't.

- Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be.

- You know that saying, bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie.

- I'm not a habit, I'm a lifestyle.

- There are a lot of hidden nerds.

- People who become the front runners often used to be outcasts or loners.

- Um, don't get me wrong because I love boys, it's just that sometimes we don't need you.

- There are only ten ideas under the sun. What makes the difference is how you spice them.

- So I'm in Virginia, and I had crabs--I keep saying that! I had crab sickness, I had eaten bad crabs in Maryland!

- I'm a winter girl; I like coming out when things are desolate and everybody's ready to slit their wrists.

- You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people.

- I've never played the guitar, except throwing it against the wall cause it was pissed off I couldn't play it.

- Truly, I was a sweetheart when I was little, like the Honeysuckle Faery. Sweet-pea. But sweet-peas are not popular after second grade. Sweet-peas become nerds really fast.

- I really enjoy having a giggle with a friend, but then someone crosses my line, then I don't really take it lightly.

- I sometimes forget I'm not 7'2" and a Viking.

- A boundary was crossed. And maybe I drew a boundary, consciously.

- It was a bit violent, a bit sexual.

- When nothing makes sense, music seems to come and bring me a margarita and sit down with me.

- You don't have to justify everything. Being pissed off is just absolutely okay.

- There is a level of the vampire in me, which is OK.

- It hurts me when a woman doesn't come through for me, more than a man.

- I'm a grown woman. I've earned my experiences, my scars.

- What is an angel but a ghost in drag?

- I'm beginning to accept and love the parts of me, of women that I was trained to hate all my life.

- People can be so vicious toward the imaginary world and it saddens me. You kill a lot of little people's dreams that way.

- Even if you don't read history or you aren't interested in anything that happened before the '60s, there are reasons why we think the way we do.

- That's how the story goes but I don't believe the story.

- I would find myself either the lovey-doveyest-woviest sweet pea, or a mad-woman.

- I believe in eating.

- You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive.

- Why be afraid of these cuddly, soft, adorable things?

- I have good days. Like if I get really good coffee ice cream with just the right amount of chocolate syrup.

- A lot of people see themselves as victims, even when you have to stand in line for ice cream.

- It's so difficult to be critical of children because they need to discover themselves. We're always telling them, "No, the tree has green leaves!"

- I'm tired of being a rebel. Now I just want to be me.

- When things get really empty for me, empty in my outer life, in my inner life, the music world, the songs come across galaxies to find me.

- Do you know what it's like to be a girl and have blood running down your legs and think that you're dying, just because no one's told you that's what happens? It's horrible.

- An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly.

- Mess with me and you will not survive.

- I think that happiness is when you can let yourself feel every emotion you want at any time instead of being a lying little fuck.

- I'm not into this dieting thing.

- The cross has been used as a weapon, as it has been used against all women throughout the ages. And that's the greatest evil of all.

- I think you've got to find a giggle somewhere in stuff that would scare the poop outta ya.

- A cornflake girl is Wonderbread whereas a raisin girl is whole wheat bread.

- I would like to think I'm a raisin girl, because in my mind they're more open minded. Cornflake girls are totally self centered, don't care about anything or anybody.

- I like butter and the people who like butter."

- I'm known as that girl who has tea with the Devil.

- I'm not afraid of sadness.

- Everybody has creativity and each person has it in a different way. Some people aren't musical, some musicians can't even think about painting or gardening. There's so many different ways to be creative.

- I wanna be burned, definitely burned, like the witches.

- Give the kids tools, so they can go build their own houses; not the blueprint of what the houses should be.

- Look at me now. I'm breast feeding pigs.

- I wish I had more of a sense of humor.

- I can be so hard on people.

- If somebody's being a jerk, I would like to go wee on their head. And then I do that, mentally.

- The people on the internet know more about what I am doing than I do. Like, they will say that I am going to be in this mall on this day, and sure enough, I am there!

- I'm like a lioness who kills her own prey and no one else has to kill for her. But if some other lioness comes to me and says "I just got a good prey, do you want a piece?" I can say "of course" - and the other way around.

- There are things that I would disagree with Jesus about, and I feel really good about that.

- History has recorded some pretty nasty things that have happened to people. I think we remember. I think it's in our cells and I think it can still hurt sometimes."

- I don't believe in the saying that it all happens for the best, it's just not appropriate.

- Of course I believe in past lives, I mean, three quarters of the human race believes this, it's not like a great new thought here.

- I use innocence in my demeanor like a Venus flytrap.

- I do like to talk about things no one wants to hear at the dinner table.

- I'm not interested in being a really nice person; I want to be a creative, responsible person that's balanced.

- Boys are cute but food is cuter

- Do any of you dream about crocodiles?

-I know I dream about crocodiles. I'm obsessed with them.

- If people can't see things from the other side that's not my problem, it's theirs.

- I think I give equal time in my hatred, right?

- Sometimes I'm mad at some guy, sometimes I'm mad at some girl, and sometimes I'm totally loving some guy, so and sometimes I'm loving some girl.

_ Well, Pele is the volcano goddess and I thought of like, um, sacrificing some of the boys in my life to her but then I decided that that wasn't really a very good idea.

- Anger originates from envy and outrage, not being seen, not being heard.

- We don't know where souls go when they die. We don't know a lot of things. We didn't create the planets. We didn't do this all by ourselves. So, therefore, why wouldn't there be a creative force if it can create humans and planets?

- I've been hanging out with some of the Hell's Angels in England. They're some of the sweetest people I've ever met.

- Real friends have to be understanding of each other, and their faults.

- I think I'm really hard to get to know on a personal level.

- Thailand is calling me.

- People I see laughing all the time, check for razor blades in their anal-force underwear, because it's just a little lie.

- I'm not interested in taking drugs. I do hallucinogens once in a while for journey experiences.

- I hear the wine. It's like a structure. I see it as a piece. I hear it before I taste it. It's calling me. And then I start to hear it when I'm tasting it.

- Not that I use crystal suppositories, I'm not New Age.

- A peach tree says, 'Some of me will be juicy and some of me will be dry I'm not growing for you; I grow because that's what I do.' You always hear some person complain about how dry their peach is and the peach says, 'It's not our fault you have no understanding on the proper use for dry peaches.'

- My theory is that women were the Mona Lisas for a long time and now men are Mona Lisas with little goatees. They are our muses.

- If you're gonna tell a story, you have to grow into the head of the rapist as well as the raped.

- He was a lite sneeze, and not the flu. Most boys would like to think they're the flu, wouldn't they? But they're really just a achoo.

- If you call me an airy-fairy new age hippy waif, I will cut your penis off.

- It's a double-edged sword and if you pretend you don't want it you're a liar and that is going to rip your soul to pieces.

- I'm always dreaming that these bulls are chasing me. Half the time I don't get away - I almost get over the fence, and then they gore me.

- I believe in energy, everything is energy. And therefore sometimes magic can be created if somebody is open to letting energy do what it does, instead of being so cynical, that you miss magic happening.

- I feel like a work really has many sides to it when people have such extreme reactions. When a work is greeted with just, 'Oh, you know, it's nice', then it's not affecting people. So love it or hate it, that's okay.

- I am a real believer in looking at pain and taking it out shopping.

- The music is the magic carpet that other things take naps on.

- I just try to strip myself, peel myself like an onion. At different layers I discover stuff.

- Why is the world where it is? It's so deep-rooted, if we really start looking, and we might not like what we find. But I think we have to, we have to ask the questions.

- I'm beyond the fury of youth.

- I love young women who are angry. They're wild mustangs.

- I didn't want her looking and hearing me and thinking, "Oh my God, that's a scary lady!"

- They felt that it was detrimental material for their children and that it was blasphemous.

- They've decided they kinda' have you figured out.

- My nightmares are so bad, that I mostly reject it when my friends want to take me to a cinema to watch a horror movie. Then I say, "No, thank you. I will dream in a few hours."

- I don't know of anybody who's gonna be fulfilled if they get hit by a bus. You have to surrender to that eternal need to be fulfilled.

- How do you know I'm not having a margarita with Jesus tonight at 10 o'clock?

- Let's be honest, religion has not supported women and men exploring all sorts of their sides, their unconscious. It has not been supportive of, you know, go into the places without shame, without blame, without judgment, and just let yourself really see what's cooking in there.

- I think human beings are so much more capable of what they told us we're capable of.

- Anyone can attend yoga, kabbalah classes, church, lectures by the 'Dalai Lama', yada, yada, yada - but can you be present for your life, and live with the way you treat other people?

- Only a few people should have a "greatest hits". I'm not one of those people.

- I feel like our leaders have hijacked America's personality, and taken her to personality plastic surgery school. And they decided this is who she is.

- The playground is the biggest war-zone in the world.

- You have to read visionaries to have visions.

- They squash the baby bird because their bird got squashed.

- I love reading. I'll read the first sentence and if it makes sense to me I pick it up.

- It's ridiculous saying there's only one true faith, it's like saying there's only one map to get you up the mountain. I want to see those other maps, man.

- I kinda have all the aspects of my personality round one table for spaghetti.

- If it's too loud, turn it up.

- I was doing drugs with a South American shaman, and I really did visit the devil and, well, I had a journey.

- There is no passion without broken crockery.

- You have to ask, how could a nation nearly vote in somebody who isn't qualified for the job?

- We're living in a frightening time and I wish people would wake up and realise they're surrendering their civil liberties.

- Who wouldn't want to shag a queen?

[mercyxkilling]

If I remember rightly, I'm sure I followed you first, I believe I saw an interaction between you and another mutual (don't ask who... I have a terrible memory lol). But it was when I was going through your verse list that made the decision for me to follow (we both know what I found there xD)

I'm not usually one to reach out first, because I'm shy as all hell but for whatever reason I decided to bite the bullet and sent you an IM requesting a thread. And we just... hit it off, like instantly!!

There was a period where the communication kinda dried up, but that happens sometimes, but like, your writing was just amazing! And I was actually a lil bit intimidated by you and your talent for a bit tbh. Just kinda like, "Oh wow... why does this amazing writer even give me a second glance...?" kind of thing? Dumb I know, but it's a thing I experience more often than I care to admit.

Still, no regrets at all, and what made me stick around was the sheer amount of open communication we've had since then, the development of our muses relationship even before we'd gotten to the juicy parts. Like... I love OC's man, I haven't the imagination to be able to make one of my own to rp with, but with Mercy, fuck... I love her. I love how complex she is, that she isn't a stereotype in any which way; she's gorgeous, hella strong, bitch is a fucking badass! But she has her faults, her flaws, her insecurities which make her so damn relatable and it shows just how much work and love has gone into her creation just by the way you write for her.

I love her, and I love you too, man. You're the best and I hope this ship just keeps on sailing~ <3

this is honestly so sweet and i just... kind of want to cry. you’re one of my most favorite people i’ve had the privilege of meeting on this hell site and i’m so happy that we did!

i remember when you first messaged me and how taken aback i was by it; it isn’t often that folks reach out to me, and i hadn’t expected anyone to actually look at anything i had put up on my pages. i also hadn’t ever had anyone interested in mass effect verses, so it was doubly surprising when you reached out to me! i remember being flattered that you wanted to talk to me at all, for thinking that i might have something interesting to offer you in terms of plots, scenarios, character development, and all that other writing stuff that i’m not nearly as confident in as i should be.

i am, unfortunately, not very good at keeping up with communication. sorry for the radio silence that we had for that short period of time! i just worry that i’m boring or that i have nothing worthwhile to say. i also sometimes just... withdraw on occasion as my mood takes a sick roller coaster ride through my brain. D: it’s awful.

i am simultaneously flattered and baffled at the idea that anyone would ever be intimidated by me or my writing because, like, idk i just don’t consider myself to be that good. i’ve learned to see my work and say, “that’s pretty okay,” but that’s about it, y’know? there’s also the fact that, bruh, you’re much better with prose than i am. your word choice is really just like... top fuckin’ notch and i really enjoy the way your writing flows as i read it. it’s very fucking lovely and i think you should be very proud of that if you aren’t already.

and bro! if you ever wanna talk about these babies with me you can guaran-goddamn-tee that i’ll be VERY happy to do so. headcanons? share them with me. random silly scenarios they’d find themselves in? tell me! doofy pet names they’d give each other? go ooooooon~ like you could never ever bother me with anything when it comes to these two so tag me in everything, send me all the asks you can think of, hit me up on discord at any hour to tell me what’s on your mind! and honestly hit me up any time even if it doesn’t have to do with our babies. i want to talk to you about any and every thing. because you’re my fwiend. 🥺

and... yo. it means A LOT to hear (well... to READ) those kind words about my baby. i have tried so hard to develop and shape her into someone that could be as real as you or me, someone you could imagine meeting on the street or something. but i also wanted to make sure that she’d make a lasting impact if you passed by her irl. with what you’ve said i feel like i may have hit all those marks and that’s pretty validating and it makes me super happy.

not that i’ll get complacent! i can always keep growing and molding this dumpster fire of a human being into an even better character as time goes by. i’m just glad you’re with me for the journey!

you’re a mfing delight, and i’m very happy to have you here. can’t wait to write even more fantastic things with you. can’t wait to see what other AUs we could come up with and how those versions of our babes will interact and how they’ll grow.

[yetanotherreader]

Useful—4

Genre: College AU

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Y/N Y/L/N, slight Dean x Lisa

Summary: The school’s most popular boy wants to be friends with Y/N, out of the blue. It definitely doesn’t have anything to do with her hot best friend, though.

Word Count (For the chapter): 2,627

Warnings (For the chapter): Language, self deprecative thoughts.

[For some reason, some of the tags aren’t working. I’m sorry about that.]

[[ Also I’m sorry for the no Read More thingy because it doesn’t happen on the phone app :-(]]

Useful Masterlist

Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Time flew by faster and in no time, it was the last week of the semester. Winter breaks were going to begin and you didn't know what to do with your life during the vacation. Lisa was going to be spending it with her family, Dean was going on a road trip with his friends and you had no plans whatsoever. You had no funds to go visit your family, overseas. You were saving for an apartment, and your parents understood. You were, in fact, surprised that they did without any clashes but again, maybe, living away from each other did mend your relationship with your family better. You missed them and, hopefully, they missed you too.

Right now, though, you were trying to figure out how you were going to survive the holidays, browsing the library for some books you could use for your time alone. Older times, you would have enjoyed it. Would get bored, might go into overthinking drives, beat yourself up for things of the past, but still somehow enjoyed the undisturbed two weeks. Now, it was different. Everything was. You were not used to being alone all the time anymore, there was a certain green eyed idiot who made sure to be around you as much as he could. The idiot you've started to dangerously feel for. He introduced you to Cas and Jo, and they were amazing people. Lisa had started spending time with you, too. It was funny. A few months ago, you had literally no one to talk to and now, you barely got to be alone.

"There you are! I've been looking for you."

"Well, I'm honored. Hey, Lis."

"Gotta say your sense of humor has worsened more," she said with a laugh, "Hey. So mom is going on a holiday with her fiancé for the new year. So had to cut the trip short. They invited me but I bailed out"

"I'm sorry," You knew Lisa and her mom's new boyfriend didn't get along all that well. The previous guy her mom was with, though, treated Lisa like her own, and she missed him. For some reason, they broke up and that was why Lisa  moved here for college from Michigan. Her mother's new fiance was a nice man, according to Lisa, but she just couldn't give him that place in her heart.

"Yeah. So, yeah, I'll be here a week earlier."

"That's cool. We can catch up on some movies then."

"And bars and parties and hot boys at the beach."

"Oh, Lord." You laughed, and she soon joined you.

"Hey Y/-" You heard Dean stop, abruptly before continuing, "H-Hey."

You looked up at him to see him looking at Lisa, only to realize it was her he actually greeted, "Um..hey, Dean."

He practically tore his gaze away from her to look at you, "Oh, hi, Y/N. You didn't tell me your friend was going to be here with you."

"Uh, you didn't tell me you were going to be coming here, Dean." You laughed awkwardly trying to cut the tension in the air.

"Oh, yeah, actually I was looking for you. Well, I was wondering if you-"

"Y/N, won't you introduce me to your friend?" Lisa chimed in, practically eye-fucking your best friend—and you hated to notice, it was coming right back at her.

"So, you don't know who I am, huh?" Dean smirked, flirting. You couldn't help but roll your eyes.

It was like you weren't even there while they continued to make filthy comments and it was disgusting, you audibly groaned making your way out of the library, "God, ew."

For the rest of the day, you were supposed to be busy. You had assignments to submit before the vacations started, but it seemed like you dropped your concentration somewhere on the road. You couldn't stop wondering what Lisa and Dean were doing right then. Did they kiss? Or were they planning somethi-

You shook your head, shaking away the thoughts. They were your friends, you should be happy for them if it came to something like that. What you felt for Dean was a tiny, little crush which would fade in no time. You weren't going to make things between you two awkward by acting on it. This friendship was important to you, after a long, long while you were willing to put your trust in someone. You didn't even remember the last time you ever talked to someone like you talked to Dean. He was starting to become the closest friend you'd ever had, so yeah, you were going to be happy for him no matter who he dated.

The only thing was...you weren't.

You typed furiously on the computer, trying to ignore the insecurities that were creeping inside you little by little. Dean is going to leave you too. No one will stay. Everyone leaves. Your fingers danced across the keyboard smoothly yet faster than before as you hurried to get the work done so that you could get the hell out of the premises and take a nap. Because you deserve it. You're not worth any love. You're a disgra- You typed the last words and emailed yourself the document, not bringing anything that was going on in your mind show on your face.

"Y/N!" You stopped at the familiar voice, turning around as Lisa made her way towards you, "Guess what?"

"What?" You asked, not surprised by her happy attitude. She was always so happy, it made you wonder what was wrong with you that you couldn't be.

"You never told me you were friends with that hot snack!"

"Um.. actually. I did." You said, rolling your eyes. Obviously she wasn't paying attention.

"No…" you gave her a long look, "you did?"

Exhaling heavily, you made your way to your room, "Lis, I've had a busy day. I'm really really exhausted. Can we gush over how hot Dean is later when I've had some shut eye?"

"No, I didn't stop you to tell how hot Dean is. I mean, yes he is but I wanted to tell you he invited me to the road trip he's going on with his friends." Your eyes shot up to her face, searching for any signs of it being a joke. It wasn't. Dean, actually, did ask her. They met...like...just now?

Lisa must have gotten an idea of your discomfort 'cause her eyes saucered in realization, "oh my god...I'm so sorry, Y/N! I completely forgot about you and the plans we made. I can drop going, I'm so sorry."

"No..it's..it's okay. Really. Go enjoy your holiday. I was, anyway, going to spend my time alone before we made those plans."

She looked at you, guilty, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah.." You smiled in understanding.

"I can always ask Dean to let you tag along."

You chuckled at the irony. You were his best friend, you didn't need anyone else to ask him anything for you. And you even felt a little insulted by the statement. You could do without this favour. You could definitely do without anyone 'letting you' tag along, "Braedon, really, go. I'll be fine on my own."

She went away without another word. The pit in your stomach only seemed to grow as you did your best to drag it aside. You, somehow, managed to stop the slumping of your shoulders as you walked into your room. You changed out of your jeans into your pajamas, ready to call it a day. You made yourself a peanut butter sandwich and was done with all the chores that you settled down on the bed. Switching off the lights, you pulled the warm blanket over your head. It was then that all the thoughts you'd been pushing aside started making appearances.

Your friend 'completely forgot' about you and the plans, your best friend didn't even bother remembering that he forgot about you. It was like you didn't even exist. You knew it was stupid, in fact it was really childish to think like this. Them people have gotten their own lives which DID NOT have to revolve around you. And pretty honestly, you knew no life revolved around you, not even your own. No one would give two shits if you suddenly disappeared, including you. Still, you weren't supposed to feel this way. You weren't supposed to be so much affected because of something like this. Being left out was not something that was happening for the first time to you. But this time, it hurt a little. The thought of you getting replaced bothered a little when it shouldn't. It wasn't a crime or anything. What did you ever do to make a lasting impact in someone's life anyway so that they'd want to keep you forever?

You woke up to constant pounding on your door. Groaning, you got up to open the door.

"I was about to knock the door down, sleepyhead." Dean ruffled your hair playfully as you slapped his hand away annoyed.

"I was sleeping, asshole."

"Shocker."

You looked at him, bored, for a while before widening your eyes and pulling him inside and locking the door behind, "What the hell are you doing here? If the warden saw you, she'd rip me two."

"For a second I thought you were going to kiss me," he snickered sheepishly. "I called you to inform, you didn't pick up." He made his way inside the room, putting the box of pizza and a backpack on the couch. You scrunched up your nose at the action.

"Pizza? Why?"

"Why are you surprised?"

"It was Tuesday. Did I sleep for three fuckin' days straight?!" You said, flabbergasted for a moment until you saw Dean making the most annoyed face ever.

"Y/L/N. It is still Tuesday. Wednesday, actually. And our Friday night outs are at my place, not here where your warden is ready to eat me alive."

"Your point?"

He sighed, "We didn't spend any time together today, Y/N. I saw you earlier, you didn't look well."

You frowned before the memories made their way back, "oh…

"Well that's exactly why I was trying to sleep, Winchester." You scolded, trying to not sound too cold.

"What is it?"

"What?" You turned away from him, walking to your bed, Dean following suit.

"What's wrong? And don't give me there's-nothing-wrong-i'm-okay shit. Tell me." He sat himself beside you as you crawled under the blanket to the other end.

"There's nothing wrong, I'm okay." Dean rolled his eyes as you pulled the covers over your head.

"You know I hate it when you do what I tell you not to."

"Then don't tell me what to do." Your voice came out muffled, as you replied back sharply. He sighed.

When she walked out of the library, groaning as Lisa and him flirted, Dean had noticed. He thought it was just the playful best friend reaction seeing them two flirt with each other, so he let it pass. Later that day, he went to meet Y/N and saw her working on the computer. She would look normal to anyone around there, but Dean had secretly picked up on her habit of doing her work extra smooth when she's stressed. Her shoulders were tensed and eyes sharp. Yep. She was definitely bothered. What he was about to tell her would have to wait, first he needed to know what was bothering her. He decided to talk to her after his class, but by the time his class was over, Y/N was already out of the campus.

"I never got to tell you why I came to talk to you this morning."

"Oh, you came to talk to me? Didn't think I was so lucky." Was that what it was all about? Was she... jealous? But why would she be jealous? She was so darn confusing, it frustrated him sometimes.

"You need to talk to me, Y/N. What's going on?" He said, pulling her blanket to him before she pulled it back.

"Nothing is going on Dean, really. It's nothing. I'm just tired is all."

"And grumpy?"

"And grumpy."

"I need you to know no one is going to take your place, sweetheart." He felt her stiffen just a bit, not enough to be noticed but enough to be noticed by him.

"Stop thinking you're that important to me, Winchester. You're not." He flinched. He knew Y/N didn't mean that, it was just her defence mechanism with some extra sass but it still painfully tug his heart a little bit. She made a lot such comments, mostly playfully, with that serious face but playfully. Maybe it wasn't the comment but the fact that she was hurt that was bothering him? He wouldn't know. One thing he knew, though, was whatever was bothering her, he needed to make her smile. Maybe she noticed his sudden pause because she immediately spoke up, "Sorry. It came out harsher than I intended."

"S'okay. So you're not gonna tell me what's bothering you?"

"Nothing is bothering me Winchester."

"Whatever you say, Y/L/N." He gave up. It bothered him that she had still not opened up to him even when they'd been 'best friends' for so long. Every time he thought she would, she would close off and change the topic. She still was the mystery girl he met at the beginning of the college, a mystery he didn't know how to figure out "So, you coming?"

"Where?"

"The road trip?

"So Lisa did that after all."

"Lisa did what?"

"Nothing. And well, I've got some work so I can't come."

"Yeah I know what work you got. Come on, Y/N. Be easy on yourself sometimes. It's gonna be fun."

"But-"

"Great. So it's a 2 weeks long trip. Pack accordingly and now we have that pizza." He stood up before she could protest and got the pizza.

"How many times are you going to watch this show, Dean? Don't you get bored?" You said taking your third slice.

"As many times as I please, babe. It's Dr. Sexy M.D, it never gets boring." He said casually, thankfully missing the pink that dusted your cheeks at the nickname in the dark.

After a couple more episodes, you were starting to doze off, and so was Dean, "Alright, let's sleep. We have classes tomorrow.

"There's no morning class. Just one more epi." He said, clutching the remote in his hands, like a child, "please?"

"No." He pouted at your response, defeated.

"Okie." He said letting out a small yawn. Sleepy Dean was always adorable, "So it's settled that you're coming with us?"

She paused for a moment before shrugging slightly.

"I guess...yes," he smiled cheekily as she said that, "but, why did you want me there all of a sudden?"

"Because I want you there? It's gonna be fun. I've heard girls need their girl-friends on these tours for some 'girl-company' thing. I invited Lisa, so-"

He stopped abruptly as she stood up and made her way out of the room, "I'll go and throw these boxes, you change in here."

"- that you could get some company." He whispered mostly to himself. What the hell just happened? He shook his head, too sleepy to think about it right now and stripped out of his clothes into his pajamas.

Obviously. There it was. The reason he wanted you there, it's all here. It's because he didn't want Lisa to be alone around people she didn't know. You stood by the sink and chuckled to yourself, feeling a sting in the back of your eyes. Wow.

"Same old easily replaceable Y/N." You whispered.

-------

Chapter 5

A/N: alright. I know I know. I'm a terrible author who do not care about her readers but it's not that. I'm really, genuinely sorry. Life's been really rollercoastery and I've been dealing with stuffs lately. I promise I'll be better next time. And if you could take out a minute of your day and pray for me and a lot of people who need it, please, I'll be really grateful. They say prayers are powerful and I think I can do with them a bit.

Also, please don't do something wrong with yourself. You're worth every effort you make for a better life. Each minute of your life counts, just make sure you keep yourself and others as happy as you can. Be kind to you and others, I'm rooting for you. ❤️

And show some kindness to the animals too, they deserve it. ❤️

.

.

Tags for useful:

 @fandoms-fiend @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @itsjaybro16 @mml232 @blablatiti @stilltoomuchafangirl @bat-shark-repellant @bluebell-24 @shortwinchester @always-money-in-the-banana-stand @ima-be-a-mongoose @soullessbabee @infinityspacesuniverse @vicmc624 @roonyxx @fandoms-fiend @slythermyg

[hongism]

Forewarning there is mention of death in this so please disregard this if that is triggering for you, and sorry if it is.. and also it's long and I am sorry it's just a bunch of sad stuff. This is so wild. I came to creep because I've been feeling pretty lost and hurt and I need a way to cope or distract that isn't.... detrimental I suppose. Less than 48 hours ago I thought of one of my friends who I haven't spoken to in awhile because 2020 was a bad fuckin year and also I've been trying to figure out how to share this big discovery about myself. I really wanted him to know and I knew he'd be supportive but we had feelings for each other so it felt.. daunting. I'll try to keep this as short as possible because the details hurt but he was my first love, nearly ten years ago and the other night he drifted to my thoughts as he often did and my heart soared at the thought of him and all these memories and feelings came rushing back and I realized I was still in love with him. basically i stopped recognizing the feeling as being in love and saw it as the feeling I got from him. So now it was time to share the secret and also to profess my love for him once again. But first. Make sure he's single because honesty is important but so is respecting relationships. Upon my search (I don't use Facebook anymore so it was impossible for me to have known before now) I learned that i would not be telling him anything at all, because he has been dead for 8 months. And I didn't know because I was scared of a secret. It's super painful and the only relief I can find is from my favorite book Slaughterhouse-Five, the passage about the tralfamadorian philosophy of "death" , that time is only linear to humans and in fact, all things that have or will ever happen are always happening. so a deceased person to them is "in bad condition" in that particular moment, but is perfectly fine in many other moments of life. I think he would really enjoy that philosophy too... so it's doubly comforting. I'm often too aware of my own mortality as well as friends and family, but he was always in this little box I my head as safe from the shortness and unpredictability of life.. just always felt like he was gonna be there. I haven't felt that way about anyone which is probably why this hurts so much more. But anyway it was just wild because I've been reminding myself about that philosophy all day and then I got on your blog and see the "everything was beautiful and nothing hurt" post which is from the same book and it just feels like.. some sort of sign. I'm not sure what, but something along the lines of "it will be okay". I guess this is a slap in the face to stop letting time slip away so easily. And i suppose i dont really have anyone to talk to about it and wanted it off my chest. Please dont feel pressured to reply - rolypoly

no worries my dear it's perfectly alright!!! you can always come to chat or rant or whatever even if it's just to get something off your chest that you want to get out there and share with someone, i'm more than happy to listen and talk whenever and wherever i can. honestly i can relate to this sort of feeling and situation a lot. i don't talk about it a lot but throughout my last relationship, my ex was in a very bad place mentally and it took a toll on both of us very heavily of course but there were also many underlying threats that he made about what he would do if i ever broke up with him or if he ever lost me. and that made breaking up with him much worse than it should have been because i spent weeks if not months after the fact fearing that he would do what he threatened to do. and even now i still catch myself thinking about it and wondering what has happened after all this time but i can never bring myself to reach out because i am very deathly afraid of hearing that he's no longer here. so i understand that fear you were feeling and i can only imagine that pain that came out of it as well. that philosophy is one i certainly find beautiful and comforting and i think it's easy to put people in our heads and heart as permanently safe because we hope that that's the case and we wish more than anything else that they will always be there and always be safe. frankly i am a person who believes in signs, and the fact that that post had been thrown in my queue and set to post randomly and you still came across it during this time in your life does tell me that it is a sign, and i'm hoping that it's a sign that everything will be okay because i truly believe it will. i'm glad you could speak about this because often times it's hard to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to others, and i hope you know that you are strong and brave and you are doing so much as it is, you are doing well and time may slip away sometimes and in some instances, but that doesn't mean that it will always be like this. i have confidence you can grow from this and reach a point where you can look back fondly at this and see it as a beautiful moment in your life ❤❤❤

[they-callme-ami]

Aerin this, Poppy That, Noah and Dan this and that---you know who PB missed out on by NOT making them LIs? Analysis, Part 1 (this is for you wlw 😘)

First up we have Riya from ROD . What do I like about her? Not only is she a beautiful, more curvy-esque lady that other best-friend characters for our MC, she's honestly the most human one. Not the greatest or sweetest, but the most HUMAN. She is, like any friend, budding into MC's buisness and always got her back, but we see that she has her own concerns, problems, etc. with the thought of leaving her boyfriend for college and staying complacent in life. Instead of biting her tongue and letting MC be the center of attention, we get to explore that aspect of her and even get a diamond scene to spend time with her talking (which I thought was adorable). I honestly thought that PB would let us romance her and comfort her at the fallout of her relationship, and since we're also friends with Darius, it'd be that much angstier and stronger of a story.

Next up, give a wild cheer for Payton Saunders. It's a little embaressing to say, but I immediantly wanted to romance Payton when I first saw her. She's a cheerleader, has a great sense of fashion, has been nothing but kind to MC and my god was it refreshing seeing a black girl just being unbothered and cute. Could you imagine, your MC being on the football team and having this cutie on the side, cheering you on? Or all those times helping plan for the dances and you two would be the ones going on food-runs for the group? Plus, she was in the original HSS app! This is less of a plot-driven one and more 'Payton is so adorable and underrated, I wanted her to be my girlfriend' one.

Zadie Choi. Zadie 'Fashionista-Bad Bitch-Savage-Classy-Mutha-Fuckin ICON' Choi. What can I say? Zadie not only pulls put the hottest looks for our MC, she IS the hottest look. She is an ambitious woman who is hustling to build her brand and rise to the top just like our MC (only difference is, Zadie was smart about it and wasn't a spoiled brat halfway through the book---). She is firmly dedicated to her career as a fashion designer, even when it hurt her relationship with her parents who want her to become a corporate lawyer instead. Zadie fought and climbed her way to the top, and I would have LOVED having a woman like her at my side. I loved romancing Shane, cause I'm a sucker for bff's to lovers, but Zadie is my kind of woman. Also, she is definitley a top--

Alright, let's get this out the way: Lena Ortiz could absolutley step on me and I'd thank her. But then she'd kick me and tell me how I should stand the fuck back up, and get moving. Lena is not only a former US Marine, but she is the most beautiful damn woman in that whole book (sorry not sorry). Now, she takes that whole 'scorned woman' and 'strong, independent woman' BS trope and transforms it. Despite how strong she is, she has her own weaknesses and fears. She admits that she used to feel weak and worthless, which is why she was so attracted to Ansel in the first place and is why she has issues working with a team. In the good ending, we see her start up a security firm where not only does she know who her employees are, but makes sure they know their value and worth. Her last words of the book will always stand with me.

"Anyone ever makes you feel small, you show them how strong you are. Kick 'em where it hurts. And once they're down, you walk right over them and never look back."

[stealinghero]

For a prompt, hows about I'm a rookie cop on Zenigata's task force and the Lupin gang (+Fujiko) need to jump and replace me and a few colleagues for our uniforms to flip the script on a sting operation? Bonus points for some Lupin and Zenigata flirting!

I concentrated a bit more on the flirting because I really love to write Lupin and Zenigata in their “work relationship”.

Your first mission! And it already promised to be the best of your life! Just a few weeks ago your boss had given you permission to join the task force around the famous Inspector Zenigata and here you were, ready to arrest Lupin the third.

The team consisted of 4 specialists plus Zenigata’s assistant and the Inspector himself. You were “just” a technician but your boss had to admit you were the best in your branch of work. That’s why he had let you go to Interpol to help the colleagues there. A sniper, one medic and a close combat specialist completed your small team. You had trained with them and would know if anyone should pose as them, as Lupin often did. This time he wouldn’t stand a chance with his schemes and dirty tricks. You would arrest him!!

Outside everyone was ready to go and you checked the equipment for the last time before you would hand everyone their headsets and tell them what frequency you would use. This wasn’t the time for any mistakes, you knew.

“You really know your stuff.”

You looked up and grinned as you watched Zenigata look at all the cables and microphones with a confused gaze.

“Sure, Sir. This time, we will have a real chance,” you answered and got up to take a cable from him and give him his part of the equipment.

“Your team is pretty good, I heard,” he tried to begin a conversation.

You hummed as an answer, helping him with the headset and the cables of it.

“No chance to replace just one of them.”

You looked at him. Something was off.

Zenigata smiled at you and took your hand into his. His grip was strong, but weak around the fingers.

“I heard you are immune to many poisons.”

Your fist shot up, but the man seemed to have superhuman reflexes, grabbing your fist and yanking it down quite hard, making you furious.

A kick to his shin landed and he grunted in pain, grabbing you with both hands and pushing you against a wall.

“One more move and I’ll scream,” you threatened and massaged your hurting wrist.

The Inspector held up his hands and grinned.

“I would love to hear you scream my name. But now is hardly the time, right? It was a pain in the ass to actually find a good anaesthetic that would work with you.”

You nodded. That was one of the reasons the police had been so interested in…. you shook your head. Something wasn’t right. Why were there two of Zenigata?!

“Sleep tight, cutie.”

You wanted to shout a warning into the headset to your team members but your muscles didn’t work anymore. When had he drugged you?!

“Aaaah, you are quite the curious one, aren’t you?” The Inspector held you upright and held out his hand close to your face. You could make out a small needle implanted in the thumb.

“It’s hard not to inject it in yourself if you need to make a fist. I went through all this just for you.”

You wanted to scream. How could he… your thoughts finally collapsed like your body, leaving you in a blank state. You could feel how he undressed you with gentle movements, laid you on the floor, rolled you under the command console and threw something soft on you. How could he dare?! The last thing your brain registered was something being placed on your head.

 ~~~~~

“Are we ready?”

The rookie nodded and gave the Inspector a small smile.

“Ready when you are, Sir!”

Zenigata had to smile back at them. Still so young and motivated. It must be a great feeling to be promoted to serve under him in the most important mission of the century. Today would be Lupin’s last day in freedom and by the end of the night they would have him caught and properly arrested.

“Everyone in position!” he ordered and stopped the rookie with a gesture.

“You stay here. I can’t have you hurt on your first real mission, right?”

They were cute when they blushed… he shook his head. How could he think that?! Now?! About a colleague?!

“Thank you for protecting me, Sir,” they told him in a small shy voice.

How could someone be so cute?! He cleared his throat and nodded.

“Not a problem. No need to be anxious. We will go according to plan and everything will work out,” he said, posing a bit for them. This rookie seemed to look at him like a courageous protector and he would not disappoint them.

“I won’t. I promise. With the Inspector by my side, nothing can go wrong.”

He had to bite his tongue in order not to grin. All he had to do was to wait for Lupin to show up and not get too distracted by this cute rookie adoring him.

 ~~~~

“Sniper One, status?”

“In position, clear sight on target. No movement up here.”

“Medic?”

“In position, injections to put Lupin to sleep are ready!”

The rookie grinned at Zenigata and watched the plan more closely.

“Hunter?”

“In position. No movements in the hallways.”

“Yata?”

“I’m here. Uhm… In position! No movements here.”

“Where are you, Yata?”

The Inspector leaned down over the rookie and pointed on the plan to show them Yata’s designated position out side the museum.

“Uhm… at the fir trees on the north side.”

“You should be at the west entrance.”

The assistant seemed unsure how to answer and Zenigata grinned and patted the rookie on the head. Everything went smoothly and they seemed to have their team fully under control. As for Yata? Well, he was Yata.

 ~~~~

“I will go for a round.”

The rookie looked up.

“Don’t leave me!” they pleaded and blushed before holding their hands in front  of their mouth, blinking at the Inspector.

Zenigata laughed and held out a hand to them.

“Join me, then,” he offered and let out a short breath of happiness when they took his hand with a smile.

Together they began walking around the museum and the most possible ways of Lupin to enter in order to steal the diamond.

“I really admire you, Inspector. My boss always calls you stupid and stubborn, but you really are handsome and hardworking.”

He grinned at this compliment.

“Well, thank you.”

The rookie took his arm and cuddled closer to him as a sound was heard. Their headsets came to live.

“Sniper One here, it was a bird. A fuckin’ bird just flew against the window up here.”

The two of them had to laugh until the Inspector frowned.

“Sniper One, repeat that,” he ordered, a strange feeling in his guts.

“It was a bird, Sir.”

His face grew stony. Something wasn’t right. He looked to the rookie.

“Didn’t he have an accent right now?”

The rookie smiled and shook their head.

“No, Sir. I haven’t heard an accent. But the sound really scared me,” they admitted with a blushed face and sheepish smile.

“You really should learn to live with surprises,” he advised them wisely.

“Surprise?” The rookie came closer.

“Yes…” he didn’t came far in his explanation as they ad grabbed his collar and pulled him in for a kiss.

His eyes closed as his lips touched theirs. He would lie if he said he didn’t want it.

“We should…,” he began, and the rookie nodded.

“We shouldn’t do it here,” they added and pulled him into a broom closet, kissing him again.

Their lips were soft on his. Their hands on his body were gentle and a bit more daring than he was.

Handcuffs clicked.

“Really? They are….” The rookie looked a their badge and frowned. “Pops, this officer could be your kid.”

He let out a huff. He wouldn’t get loud. He wouldn’t scream at Lupin who was tearing off his mask. He would free himself in a calm manner and kill this stupid thief with his bare hands.

“Ah, and your team? Mine.” Lupin tapped the headset.

“Ready, guys?”

Zenigata could hear their confirmations over the headset and looked at Lupin. He still had a trump card up his sleeve.

“Why the kiss?” he asked.

A blush appeared and vanished in a span of a few seconds on Lupin’s face.

“To distract you.”

“With tongue?”

The younger man huffed and began to laugh. “To keep the façade,” he told Zenigata.

“And the boner?” The pants of the rookie were too big on the thin Lupin but Zenigata had felt it more than clearly.

“A flash light!”

“Show me.”

Instead of a flash light, Lupin showed him the middle finger and sticked out his tongue before he closed the door and locked it.

“You know that your headset is still sending?”

“Shut up, Jigen.”

“You really have the hots for him?”

“Shut up!”

“A true man should stand to his feelings. I won’t look at you different because you like a man.”

“What about me, Lupin?! Don’t you love me?!”

Someone laughed. Zenigata could still hear the conversation through their headsets.

 ~~~~

You opened your eyes as someone shook your shoulders.

“Wake up.”

At first you saw shoes and knees, then a face. When you wanted to get up, you hit your head on the console you were laying under.

“What happened?” you asked, still feeling the drugs in your system.

“This.”

You crawled from under the console and sat down with a throbbing head before you reached for the card your colleague was holding out for you.

 I will steal your loved one. Lupin the 3rd

 You blushed a bit, realizing what he could have meant. Your colleague shook his head.

“We all got the same message.”

Did you hallucinate or did he really blush? You knew he liked men. And you knew you two had one time discussed the honour and “other” positive things about working together with Zenigata.

“Rumor has it he kissed the Inspector.”

You laughed and shook your head before thinking about the situation. He had used your clothes. YOUR IDENTITY!!

“This could’ve been your chance, Rookie.” Your colleague patted your head, leaving you with spare clothes he had brought you.

You blushed from embarrassment but also made up your mind. You would arrest Lupin one day! He would pay for stealing a kiss from your… no! No, you wouldn’t admit you liked your superior. There was nothing between you but professionalism. Nothing!! You could feel the heat in the tips of your ears as you shook your head. One day he would pay!

[fairycosmos]

and it's hard because I don't know how to grow on my own when i'm dealing with my body issues and stuff. i don't talk to anyone, i don't have any friends and i'm super lonely all the time so i'm sure that doesn't help lsdakjflksdjf but i'm trying anyway, i'm sorry for venting. love u chloe, i hope you're having a nice day

hi baby, im so sorry to hear that 😔 it sounds exhausting just reading about it. im proud of you for continuously trying and for being here. i can relate a lot to what you're saying. for many people a big aspect of their eating disorder is not feeling like it's 'serious' enough, but this is simply another trick 'that' part of your mind is playing on you.... it's trying to get you to continue pushing your boundaries, trying to convince you that "well at least ive never passed out" is sound reasoning. it's not. cause then when you do pass out, it changes to "at least i havent had a heart attack." you lose your sense of accurate judgement when it comes to this sort of thing, and it's important not to believe everything your brain tells you. it's not reliable. the fact that you feel this way at all is a pretty good indicator that you need and deserve help, as we all do at times, even if you don't want to accept that fact. point is, if you suffer from disorderd eating consistently then it IS harmful, it IS traumatic and you don't need permission to feel the weight of it on your shoulders. the extent of it is just a minute detail in the grand scheme. cause the longer you use that as an excuse, the worse it gets. you don't have to be on deaths door to be at serious risk. emotional pain alone is enough of a reason to seek what you need.

that relationship with your ex sounds very stressful and i can totally understand why you're still feeling weird about it, even now. there's truly no rush even if it's frustrating to constantly think of her. i think something we have to let people go over and over again in our minds. another symptom of an ed is constantly being in competition with those around you, even those you love, which is so tiring. and it's not your fault at all. it's part of the illness. you didn't ask for any of this. just cause she was struggling doesn't mean you were struggling any less, you know? her pain didn't diminish yours. you still went through all that. you're both absolutely entitled to your own experiences. it can sometimes be v toxic for two mentally ill people to be together and the mental repercussions of that may take a lot of energy and growth to overcome. it's allowed to hurt, and you're allowed to cry. to miss her, and to not miss her. maybe it will always feel awful to look back on it, but it absolutely won't always feel like it does right now. where you're at in this moment is not where you'll always be. it's absolutely valid to want to run away and become someone else, i don't fuckin blame you at all. but even if you stay in your town, you're going to evolve. you may not even notice it at first, but the fact that you made it through the breakup speaks volumes. you got through today without her. you've had small victories since then. that relationship is a very tiny part of who you're growing to be. you're much more capable than you realize, and im not just saying that... every day you're learning to cope, even subconsciously. and that's really all you can ask of yourself.

isolation can definitely worsen your symptoms, can fuck up your perception of yourself and the world and your problems. but i think a lot of us go through phases of loneliness especially when we're struggling, and it's not an indicator of whether or not you deserve friendship. you ALWAYS will. it's just really difficult to come by. there's nothing wrong with you as a person, no matter how much your insecurities tell you otherwise. though i don't doubt that love is waiting in your future, dude. but interpersonal relationships aren't the only form of support out there. you said it's been five years since you've been stuck in these cycles, and you have the self awareness to know that it's not right. so do you think maybe it's time to look into professional help, if that's an option and if you haven't already? of course your brain doesn't think it's that big of a deal but the fact that it's lasted this long and caused so many problems for you just proves that you need to take action. whether it's your doctor, a counselor, a support group in your area, even just a hotline to begin with.... you're not doomed to a lifetime of mental compulsions. there is so so much that can be done, through therapy and building a network of healthy relationships and mechanisms, seriously. of course it's a scary prospect, and you don't even have to like the idea. but you said you want to grow, you just don't know how. acting on your self hatred has only made things worse. so how about you try the opposite to disrupt the cycle? positive change really does spur from putting yourself first, even if you have to force it. it's completely normal to be afraid, but being honest about what's happening will never be as bad as you think it'll be. these professionals will let you work at your own pace to figure out the root causes of why you developed these behaviours, and how to fight the urges when they do arise. reworking your perception of food and your body is so so possible if you let the vulnerability in.

i understand that it's incredibly daunting and overwhelming. so even if you just begin with researching self help techniques and implementing them into your daily life, or accepting that you're allowed to feel pain, or crying instead of binging. forcing yourself to eat a piece of fruit instead of starving. these efforts are practices that will absolutely get easier with time. and not every day has to be good or successful. but as long as you're just trying to do what's right by you. it always comes back to knowing that you're going to be yourself for the rest of your life. might as well try to be your own friend. it's too exhausting not to. anyway im sorry this got long, i know words don't change anything and there's only so much i can say but.....i just hope you're able to get to a place where you don't feel guilty about what is beyond your control, and where you're able to put your mental well-being above your feelings. getting there may be a process, but it's supposed to be. and i really really believe in u!! you're not as alone as you feel. i love you and i'll be here if you want to talk, feel free to drop me a message. take it one day at a time luv 💖

[rogue-barnes-16]

SECRETS (part II/IV)

Summary: Detectives James Barnes and Y/n Y/l/n never really got along, despite being partners for seven months. You could say they hated each other, however, when James' past shows up threatening to break him all over again, the truth about their feelings comes to the surface.

Pairing: cop!Bucky Barnes x cop!Reader

Genre: angsty

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack

Warnings: abusive ex-partner, mentions of toxic relationship, hungover, scars

A/N: I'm back from my brief hiatus(?) yayy! I'm still feeling super insecure about my writing so if you see something I'm doing wrong or something that I should improve, tell me. Tomorrow I'll post the next part of The Protege, but now enjoy <3.

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist (you can find part I there)

The moment my eyes fluttered open, my hands gripped the sheets I had gotten tangled with, trying to suppress a loud groan the would have just made my head pound harder.

I stirred and turned my head to the man lying besides me as a proof of the bizarre events that my mind remembered from the night before.

This time I was unable to hold back a now regretful groan, which ended up shaking him awake.

"what the- Fuck" he sat up, pressing the heels of his hands against his shut eyes. "fuck fuck fuck fuck"

I shifted my position in a way that I had a perfect view of his bare back.

And that view made my heart clench, because it made me remember what I wanted to talk about without him in first place.

It also proved me that, sadly, there was no way in hell that I was wrong. The patterns of the scars were signs of domestic violence without a doubt.

"Barnes" I called him, not daring to move. "we still have to talk." my voice sounded demanding, but still tender and quiet.

"what 'bout?" his eased voice almost made me doubt my gut feeling, because after all, those scars could be something else.

But then he put his shirt faster than normal, and before even putting on his underwear.

"Dot." his shoulders tensed for a moment, but he did his best to hide it from me. "what happened between the two of you?" I didn't want to ask it directly, so I decided to take the long way.

"c'mon Y/l/n" he let out a humorless laugh, getting up to put on his underwear and pants. "You're the smartest detective I've ever worked with" I managed to hide my surprise at the compliment and I sat up on the bed. "do you really need to fuckin' ask?"

"yeah" he glared at me, leaning over the bed to grab his jacket. "Barnes for fucks sake" I let out a groan, falling back on the bed after I had seen him get out of my apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

I got in the precinct an hour or so before my shift actually started, but, honestly, I couldn't care less.

I made a bee line to my desk, not bothering on greeting my colleagues "Hey man, are you okay?" Wilson asked, probably noticing how bad I looked like due to the hungover.

"always" I curtly replied, grabbing the manila folders Y/n had been working on, and displaying it in front of me.

"Bucky?" I didn't even need to spare a glance at Steve to see his worried gaze. "what are you doing here? You don't-"

"got a problem" I muttered low enough for only us to hear it. "I- Y/n and I-"

"Please don't tell me that-"

"yeah" I replied before he finished his question. "we were drunk and-"

"Oh c'mon man" Steve sighed and I let myself fall on the chair while he kept pacing besides me. "with her out of everyone? You had to fuck your co-worker, who you've been pinning over for the last four months?"

"Listen, jerk that's not the important thing right here" I hissed, leaning over the desk to be closer to him. "she knows."

"she knew the moment that Dot showed up" he replied, sitting over my desk. "why does it matter anymore though? The trials start in a week."

"I didn't want her to know" I confessed, running my hands over my short hair. "not now, not like this."

"well there's no going back, pal" Steve said with a sad note on his voice. "you gotta- oh, there she goes" squeezing my shoulder, he got up and walked to his own desk. "Mornin' Y/l/n. Isn't it a bit early?"

"I have work to do" she replied emotionless, looking for the folders on her desk. When she didn't find them, she silently walked to stand besides me and, leaning over my desk, she started to grab the folders.

"I won't tell anyone" she whispered in a tone much softer than I expected. "it's your place to do it so don't worry" with that, she came back to her desk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was midnight and Y/n and I hadn't spoken since our brief exchange of words in the morning. Now that we were the last ones left in the department, it was impossible for us not to chat with the other.

It was Y/n who started the conversation.

"Hey listen" she called in low voice, walking to my desk to sit besides me. "I'm sorry for pushing you. I just-" she sighed, scratching her arm distractedly. "I-I just wanted to be wrong, and then" pursing her lips, she spared me a nervous look. "I don't know"

I glanced at her for a moment and, after taking a deep breath, I spoke. "I fell for her when I was really young" I stated. "Hell, I fell hard" she peaked at me, leaving the pencil she was using over the papers. "she was so charming. We got married when I was twenty-six"

"That's..." she looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face. "that's nine years"

"not really" I scratched my neck, feeling Y/n's eyes on me. "we took lots of breaks" I tried focusing on the reports in front of me. "things went south during the last three years, though. We fought. A lot." I scoffed "I loved her so I always blamed myself-"

"Bucky" she cut me off in the most tender way possible. "we- you don't- we don't have to talk about it." before I could tell her that I wanted- no, that I needed to, she spoke again. "unless you want to."

I nodded. "one day I came home late. We argued and she... Uh... Slapped me." I shrugged, not daring to look at Y/n. "and I thought, she's worried, don't mind it." Y/n stayed quiet for me to tell her the rest of the story. "slaps turned into things being thrown at me, and then... Well, you already saw it."

"Your back." I nodded at her guess. "Bucky, those are some serious scars." I just shrugged, not knowing what to answer. "what the hell did she use?"

"what does it look like?"

"I didn't look at them enough to-" I started to unbutton my shirt to take it off. "you sure of what you're doing?" I nodded, leaving the shirt aside. "Okay uh" she stood up and hesitantly traced the scars with her fingers "those three ones gotta be from a belt."

"they are"

"well then she's strong as fuck" I let out a nervous chuckle while she inspected the rest of the scars. "this one... Did she stab you"

My nod was almost unnoticeable "That's the last one"

"I wanna believe that this burn here" her fingers ghosted over it. "isn't one of them." she sighed, grabbing my shirt and handing it to me.

I realized too late my hands were shaking too much for me to be able to button up my shirt. When she noticed this, she kneeled in front of me and did it for me.

"the last time we were together, she ended up stabbing me" her jaw clenched.

"I'm guessing she came here" she got up and came back to her chair. "because you brought a lawsuit against her?"

I nodded, clenching my fists a few times in an attempt to calm my nerves. "she showed up in my house yesterday. That's why I was in the bar."

READER'S P. O. V.

"what are you gonna do tonight?" That question didn't really need to be asked, but still, I did.

"I'll stay in the break room" he replied distracted. "tomorrow I'll figure something"

Without thinking twice, I casually suggested "come to my place"

He shot me a perplexed glance "and then what?" before I could even think about replying, he spoke again. "we fuck again?"

I couldn't help but snort with a note of bitterness in my laugh. "I'm trying to be nice, what the fuck was that?"

"not sure" he muttered absently, a frown forming between his eyebrows. "I'm sorry, I think I'm too tired"

I sighed "yeah, me too" I looked up at the clock and, taking a deep breath, I spoke again "we should go home"

"we?"

"yeah" I got up, not wanting to face him for some reason I could not pinpoint. "You're staying at my place remember?"

"Y/n" he called me "there's still a week left for the trials"

"I think" I grabbed my things and put on my jacket "that we're more than capable of standing each other for a week"

I heard him standing up and I finally turned around to face him again. "Y/n, you don't have to-"

"Oh shut up" I said cut him off, throwing him his jacket. "I bet if it was Steve, you wouldn't be so hesitant"

"of course I wouldn't" he admitted, letting out a chuckle. "he's my bestfriend"

"then- I dunno" I shrugged with a grin on my face while we made our way out. "pretend I'm Steve, but stop complaining"

"That's-" he snorted falling into step with me. "that's so fucking weird"

"why? 'cause we fucked?" there was a beat of silence, but when I looked at him, we both burst into fit laughs.

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

"yeah, because we fucked" I confirmed, looking ahead of us with a smile dancing on my lips. "Where's your place, by the way?"

"what the hell? you were there last night." she shook her head a couple of times with a grin pulling the corners of her mouth. "I guess you were too drunk."

"so were you"

"yeah, but I still know where's my place" she stated proudly.

"what the f- Y/n, that's because it's your place." a snort escaped her lips. "which way, genius?"

"This way, jerk" she placed a hand on my back to guide me and, despite the thick jacket, I could still feel it's warm.

It was in that moment that I realized her touch somehow soothed me, and I found myself wishing she didn't let go of me.

[grammarkid]

can you rant about Jennifer's body plz? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it

oh, my dude.. my dude, ur rly gonna regret asking me this. like, i legit wrote a paper on this film. i analyzed it for a month straight and did research. for ur own sake, i’m so sry. for everyone else, i’m gonna put it under a cut, bc.. it’s a lot.

ok, i just want to preface this by saying that i know that the movie is objectively just bad. tbh, the writing is terrible, and diablo cody? thought she could tap into the hip cool teen lingo™️? but she was rly just pulling words out of her ass, so i always get torn between finding the dialogue laughable and cringe-worthy.

but i love the movie to death and i actually got the chance to write a big paper about it in college. long story short, i took this english/social studies class that was all about monsters – vampires, werewolves, zombies, cyborgs, etc. – and how they were representations of society’s fear of those who transgress social norms. so, basically we spent an entire semester studying ‘monster culture,’ a way of reading texts that parses the social anxieties from within their monster stories, bc the word ‘monster’ comes from the latin ‘monstrum,’ which literally means “that which reveals or warns.” so in monster theory, a monster always signifies something other than itself. & our final assignment was to analyze a monster film that we hadn’t discussed in class and explain the issues behind the film’s monster – but i won’t get into all that, bc that’s kind of a diff story.

but without going into all the social anxiety stuff about teenage sexuality, simply put, the film is an allegory for the ways in which sexuality and one’s self-esteem are intertwined. literally, jennifer gets turned into a demon, and the only way she can remain healthy and beautiful is to kill/feed off the guys at her school – but, rly, the story behind that is about jennifer’s insecurities. 

listen. jennifer slept with a lot of guys, even before she was transformed into a demon. needy said that jennifer lost her virginity in junior high. did u know that adolescents who have sex earlier are more likely to be depressed and to have issues with their self-esteem? (i told u, i did the research.) and teens with high levels of “sexual permissiveness” are often low in self-esteem in comparison to those who abstain. (no judgment at all, that’s just what the studies say. and let’s talk about the word ‘permissiveness’ here – it’s explicitly stated that jennifer’s already done anal. i’d say that’s permissive for a teenager.) and studies have also found that ppl who do participate in sex will often experience a temporary boost in self-esteem afterward, bc it makes them feel desirable – shocking!! 

so, ok, the point is, what jennifer does with boys after she becomes a demon is rly not that different from what she did with boys before she was a demon – she uses them to improve her self-image. (the only difference now being that she.. u know.. kinda eats them.) bc as confident and pretty as jennifer is, she has a lot of problems with her self-image. she’s peppy and vivacious whenever she looks pretty, but rude and mean when she feels ugly. & like, the biggest fuckin’ insult needy could use against her was that she was insecure?? literally nothing else that needy said had any effect on her, but she rly cracked when needy accused her of being insecure. i mean, she literally starts crying as she’s putting on her makeup for the winter formal bc she can see herself in the mirror and she’s ugly, and the only way she can fix that is to, u know, eat a guy – and it’s not just any guy, ok? she’s not just going around murdering the random 65y/o dude in the mcdonald’s drive-thru or the lady running the convenience store. they’re all young guys, around her age, who very obviously find her attractive. 

hmm. deteriorating demon eats boys who are attracted to her to regain beauty vs. human teenage girl with deteriorating self-worth and self-esteem sleeps with boys who are attracted to her to feel beautiful again. and uh let’s not forget that girls who regularly use guys are often called ‘man eaters.’ like, it literally could not be more obvious?? yet so many ppl i’ve talked to about it are oblivious.

but the thing that rly gets me about this movie? it’s the relationship between jen and needy. and i’m not just talking about the fact that they made out in bed for thirty seconds – although that does play a factor. i’m talking about how the film is rly an exploration of how these issues literally destroy their relationship.

bc jennifer is detrimentally obsessed with being pretty and popular and ‘socially relevant’ but she can’t let go of needy. needy even says that it’s to the point that kids at their school literally can’t understand why jen hangs out with her?? and i think that reason is pretty obvious.

like, ppl have their opinions, but i feel like there is clearly something between jennifer and needy beyond just friendship? jennifer is constantly sizing needy up, flirting with her, touching her, etc. jennifer even says that they used to play ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ when they were younger. like, idk, that doesn’t seem like something friends do to me?? & it definitely doesn’t seem like something needy would suggest. no, that had to have been jennifer’s idea. but why? bc she has feelings for needy. hint: jennifer didn’t go after anyone in the film other than ppl she could use to her advantage – she explicitly mentions wanting to sleep with ahmet, jonas is the quarterback so ofc sleeping with him would be a boost to her esteem, colin asked her out on a date despite her lackluster appearance, and she also mentioned finding chip attractive. (if she could get him to choose her despite his loyalty to needy, wouldn’t that be a rush? why do u think she was so adamant when she said ‘tell me i’m better than needy’??) she doesn’t even attempt to approach anyone else in that way except needy. immediately after jennifer’s transformation, she goes back to needy. she’s the first person jennifer thinks of, and the first person we see jennifer approach in that way. and the scene definitely isn’t lacking sexual tension?? but ultimately it just suggests that needy could, in fact, give jennifer the same thing she got from the boys – i would even go so far as to say that, as a whole, the film suggests that needy is the only one who could give her that – but she can’t bring herself to do it. she cares too much about her to hurt her, to use her like that, and she even admits that later in needy’s bedroom. she literally says “i couldn’t hurt you.”

like omg the real tragedy of the movie is that needy and jen are torn apart by their missed opportunities. they’re constantly reaching out for one another, but they’re never in sync. after jen’s transformation, needy tries to be there for her, asks her questions, wants to be sure she’s okay, but jen can’t let her in bc she can’t even cope with the truth herself. after she kills colin, jen goes to needy’s room and tells her what happened to her bc it’s taking its toll on her and she’s desperate for needy’s support and validation, but needy is already convinced that she’s evil and her aggressive questions make jennifer retract. and without needy, jennifer has nothing. that’s why she goes after chip, bc it will hurt needy the same way needy hurt her. & personally, i don’t think jennifer was ever truly attracted to chip – i think she was attracted to his loyalty. & she was jealous of needy’s relationship with him bc it was steady and respectful and jen had no way of obtaining that for herself. and at that point in the film, she’s got nothing left to lose. honestly, like, with the others? jen didn’t hesitate. she made out with them and tore them apart at the first available opportunity. with chip? she took him to the pool and they just.. fucking sat there?? she tells him “i feel so empty” and yea most ppl probably take that to mean that she’s hungry, but if she was starving, then she’d just have her way with chip and be done with it, wouldn’t she? but she didn’t want to. she feels empty bc it’s all catching up to her and she doesn’t even have needy to help her through it. needy pushed her away. 

which is why i personally think that jennifer looks her absolute worst in the final scene with needy in her bedroom. she fed a bit off chip, obv, bc it was enough to kill him, and enough to completely heal the giant gaping hole in her stomach – which she plainly says to needy only happens ‘when she’s full.’ and yet she’s still so ugly. her skin is pale and her eyes are yellow and bloodshot, why? bc her physical state is a literal representation of her self-image and she feels terrible about herself so she looks terrible. ok, another hint: immediately after jen dies? she’s beautiful again. you literally watch it happen. & yeah, bc the film is about demons and the occult, u could say that the demon left her body, blah blah, but i think she becomes beautiful again bc that’s what she looks like when it’s not being distorted through the lens of her own self-view. all her insecurities aren’t killing her anymore, bc there’s nothing left. (and, just one last note about this final scene. what allows needy to kill jen? she tears off her bff necklace. and then jen literally loses all her power. she falls out of midair. it’s like everything stops, bc she still wore the necklace, she was still holding on to needy, even tho needy pushed her away. that was the last thing holding her together and needy took that too. and i think, rly, that’s what ultimately killed her. sure, the boxcutter had something to do with it, but there’s a reason that moment took up so much screen time, why it had such an impact, whereas the knife going in and that stupid ass ‘my tit’ line were so rushed in comparison.)

ugh, gosh. ok, i rly need to stop now. all that is already all twisted up and it hardly makes any sense bc i was rushing. i could literally go on for days about this movie, but this has already taken up like an hour of my day?? and i’m sure no one has even read this far anyway. but yeah. i have a lot of feelings about jennifer’s body, because imo it’s rly a tragedy disguised as a horror film.

[whybaddecisions]

To the one that got away:

It was winter when she first came to picture, I was just an ordinary guy that worked abroad didn't know what to do no goal, ambition, or even dreams if I can consider it, Was making money but I can't feel satisfaction while doing it soulless and partially lifeless in the process, before I came home I was in a long distance relationship with someone from France and everything worked out just fine but eventually we lacked personal intimacy, to the point that were not even trying to communicate with each other just went with our days without even saying "Hi" or "Good morning" to be honest I thought that she would be the one for me and I'll be the one for her, I was greatly mistaken to have thought that, because if u truly wish someone to be with you till your last breath it must have the right amount of perseverance, the strive to push forward and not to quit and fight! One day we came to an agreement that the thing we have isn't working out anymore, so we broke up decided to be friends, just like that in a snap of a finger she was gone and so am I.

I know that it's rough on both of us but on the other hand it felt that the chemistry wasn't there anymore so it's better to leave that be.

After a month I decided to focus more on my career first since I'm waiting for my agency to call and kick me out of the country again but with a new job on a cruise ship around Us and Europe, while waiting i knew that my brother knows a lot of people here in the Philippines that has a company related to my forte so I asked him

"Man do you know anyone in the industry looking for a waiter?"

He told me that there was one here in Batangas and she was a good friend of his.

"yeah I know a place just a 5 min drive from here"

So I was excited cuz I'm going to work my ass off and forget what has happened.

So there it was "TRICIA'S" name of the workplace my brother told me about, and on December 17, 2019 I started there as a waiter, it was an open house bar kinda rowdy but in a good way but damn do these kids party hard! My shift was from 4pm to 4am and it was messy as hell always but I had fun in the process.

Then that faithful day came to place, all the stars were aligned and the soothing falling of leaves was upon me, I didn't expect any less from that day than any day cause for me it was just goin to turn out as an ordinary day, but then u came and I saw you with my best friend. 🙏 well I couldn't care less at first if u talk to me or not, but the first time you shut me down is when you were passing by my side I thought that u are going to get a menu off the bar, and I was psyched and told myself "now's my chance to like give her the menu and make small talk" Then u said "No" off the bat cuz u were just going to grab that box of tissue, boo me assumer! Then I remembered u were with my best friend so time to show off I think? Like provide them with the best service possible, bring the drinks on time, food must be hot, bucket of ice must be full all the time, no delay in anything like to the fullest service a server can give them, after all was served I was shocked that u said Hi and Hi again and again complimented my cologne called me by my nickname which wasn't really needed, I was shy just making a grin of my mouth just to show her I'm not bothered, but I'm to the fullest extent cause I already asked for ur name, checked u out on Facebook through my best friend that's why I was shy.

The u guys left. And I asked my bff

"should I add her on FB? What ya think?"

She replied with so much enthusiasm

"Gooooo! Add her, she wants to be friends with you also"

And boom it hit me like the biggest meteorite just punched through earth, I was so overwhelmed and cannot wipe the smile of my face that morning.

I'm not normal I can say that proudly in a good way of course, but if someone overwhelmed already with the thought of his/her crush wanting for them to be friends and then out of nothing she says that do you want me to bring you coffee, that would be the most awesome thing that would happen to you, you'd probably be smiling for the whole day like legitimately smiling at everyone with the upmost feeling. For me coffee is sometimes is more important than people but for what she did LFU!!! And she brought me my coffee that morning and she insisted on bringing it , on that day she already got me.

Time passed and things were going accordingly, perfectly some bumps along the way, but we were happy and contended to what we had and a few dates, I remember on the night before Christmas I was supposed to give u your present and you stood me up because of a party your family held and I understood that situation of yours, kinda sulk tho that we didn't get to meet but one of my favorite memory is when you asked me out on a date and it was Christmas, you got to meet my parents also sorry if your hills was soaked in water cuz it was pouring heavily that day. We ate at "Romantic Baboy" a Korean restaurant with unlimited pork skin, chicken strips and cheese on the sides, and you know what's my favorite part of that particular day? Is when I took a picture of you smelling a rose and thought to myself that I don't want this to end may the universe hinder us from us but I'll fight with my last breath to preserve what we have and what else will happen. Then I fucked up.

Scribbled words, nauseated, anxious, crippled, out of way, bothered, stressed,fretful,fretting, disturbed, agitated, irritated, apprehensive, to the point that I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror so disgusted to what I did, execute me if the universe wants to, the feeling of overly doubting my self worth was inevitable, brought to me by my own decisions that messed me up entirely.

Wondering what happened haunts me in the most gruesome way possible. So here it goes, I lied to her big-time which I didn't know that it was possible since I did it already not multiple times but only ONE THAT GOT ME REAL FUCKED! Is when I received a message from my longtime best friend from way back as kids, 20 years to be exact . On the message she told me

"when are you going to show urself I haven't seen u in forever"

Then I was shocked cause normally she wouldn't Pm (Private Message) like that in the past, then I told her.

"one of these days when I'm not busy cause of work"

Then she asked about my love life and u were the first in my mind so I told her about you.

"there's this girl that I'm seeing, my other best friend introduced me to her and she already met my parents last Christmas then we ate outside and we had a great time"

That's what I said then I also told her to help me find a perfect present for you.

Then on December 27, 2019 I told you that I'll be visiting a long time friend with a kid and I didn't tell you if it was a girl or a boy cause I don't want you to get angry at me but then again I should've told you that in the first place. When I was there at her house since we were long time friends we had a great time also with the kid in the picture, happy and overwhelmed at the same time, then her mother came down gave me a hug and greeted me welcome home or back to the phil, cause she hasn't seen me for over 4 years I think. After the the greetings my best friend told her mom that I'm seeing someone which is you. Well I didn't expect that she would be sly about it and drop your name so casually, so I just came right through it and said yes I'm dating this girl and she's wonderful, but her mom told me that r u taking things way to fastly you just got out of a relationship, I told them that also I was off with someone before I met you. So after they told me not to deepen anything with anyone yet, assuring that I would not get hurt cause for them I'm family also, cause her dad was the godfather of my brother that's why our families was close still to this point they are.

Then the next day came I went again to her house because I was having fun playing with her son and missed talking to her a lot, because in the longest time I had a crush on her and knowing me I couldn't seal the deal from before, but this time I thought to myself maybe this is it when she'll notice the man i have become, and you passed my memory, in me saying that I'm dating this girl and why should I break her heart? Did u deserve to be treated that way Nooooo! In fuckin million years no! But I did anyways. Without even consenting my best friend, myself and most importantly God. I messed up 😭

So then it happened the happiest'sh and the worst'sh decision in my existence trampling over someone that didn't deserve any hardships cause you were the most beautiful soul ever seen. Yeah I misunderstood the fact that she'll replace you over and over again because of the thing we had in the past like 20 years of friendship over something that just happened recently was a very wrong thought to even deliver in a person's mouth crippling fear came over me I didn't know what to do my life was in chaos lost in the path, I part take wishing it all away silently murmuring to myself that if had the power to change it all I would, I was blinded really blinded by that stumbling and staggering in every situation possible, even with work I wasn't happy anymore so I left, it's not like me to leave unprofessionally but I did cause it broke me down to my core knowing that I did something to hurt the most, I don't know if it's faith that we met or just me knocking on the door of heaven praying and longing for someone to bump in my life and there you was. But I was too blinded by the fact that I thought that she'll be the one to save me but you were there standing without flinching and with the unyielding love that a human person can give to another and I wasted it all away. Knowing that we were supposed to go to an amusement park, and guess what? That Jan 3 was the day destiny punched me in the face for me to tell you what I got in stored deep inside the dark and deep corners of my heart which was hard to let it out, but I was willing to get out of my comfort zone, break boundaries and say what I really mean.

But then again it didn't happen because of me. But why is that I don't have a perfect checklist of good things in life and almost all of it is on the bad side, really looking inside I didn't have any intention of hurting you, but when I came to see you coming from manila was one of the blurriest decision I've made cause I was going to fix everything but was still blinded, so I did see you but what I said that day when we were inside the car was all true, you mean the world to me but how dumb can a human be maybe I'm the epitome of that, knowing her and thinking she was the one was greatly poor on my side, some people are worth suffering for and I'll suffer for you anytime of the day, week, year or anywhere.

Saying this honestly you are the one with a pure heart on the other hand she also has but like only in a normal state and I thought she was a diamond but day by day she turns to coal slowly breaking and burning me in the process I don't blame her for that but knowing her I didn't expect that a shallow river is bound to drop over me and drown me, because in your eyes I saw a girl swimming in a vast ocean with many things to look after but was calm about it, and composed in a way that anything can turn out good and without harms way. Simply saying that u r different really different in a good way of course.

The self realization made it clearer than the brightest day, clarity filled up inside,b the blindness was cured and I can see far from what I saw before straightforward only walking in one path never turning right or left staying on a pace that'll last, growing abundantly in each other's presence. point here is i really know that u are the perfect illustration a right decision

I hope and pray eventually time will get us to see and feel that something happens for a reason, it's not just the way it was given but on the way it ends and begins again, hoping,praying, begging, pleading, that when that time comes even if it's on a reciprocal I will greatly cherish it and give it as grace without asking for anything in return like a river splashing water on the ground with the little weed sprouting through time, it doesn't have to be the entire ground but the important parts only, perfect timing, right alignment of stars and even if the wind blows strongly or a single rain drop I'll always bring you close by my side and wanting you to stay beside me. I just wish in time we would see each other in our arms again.

And to the one that got away.

Looking back to those days we were so happy I really wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and the simple things u did, like looking at me with those mesmerizing eyes and the captivating depth and clarity it shown, the way you cling was warmth beyond any parka or furred jacket I've worn before saying slowly while you hug me that you'll never let go. And the way you pull your hair back showing roaring waves but calms me up to the core while the strands of your hair graze my face tingles my curiosity to kiss you in the forehead. And I never felt an urge every time you kissed me on the cheek and while you ask me to kiss you back was the sweetest tune my ears can imagine like angelic figures playing the harp or something like that. And the way we used to drive with ur friends feels like ecstasy having fun and in a euphoric way, I like seeing you laugh a lot, curse a lot at people, things or anything cause im not finding any wrong in that, because that's who you are and what you represent. Also the times we had so much fun singing those songs you recommended me. And to this particular song which made me see you in whole different level, cause you were the first one who dedicated something for me, those giggles that both of us shared is more important the . The unparralled and unrequited feeling that those gestures are simply producing, but what I say is the manifestation of genuine love is you.

[supaliaxpress]

So I don't know if this has been discussed, but a friend of mine who hasn't been able to watch Goblin but has rather seen discussions about it, asked me "what do you think about the age gap?" and if I thought it was intentional with the casting? I wanted to do a blogpost about it, but I got to no time to do a proper one so I'm leaving my thoughts with you to expound on in the beautiful way you always do: (part 1/3)

(direct quote from my reply) “supaliaxpress on tumblr has a post on that, and I agree with her completely. i dont mind it. one basically, the male is a soul somewhat frozen in time. it’s not established what his age really was when he died as a human being. his soul never aged, though time passed. and i think that concept and belief is proved throughout the drama.” (2/4. realized it could take much more space)

Lastly, to add here I think it’s one of the major themes of the story of Shin and Euntak, and even with Wang Yeo and Sun. The love that carries on with the soul, and that love binds more than bodies- love, true love, binds souls. Despite the age, the social standing from where each party comes from…love overlooks these differences and is founded by something more profound. And that souls, who lived life with care, never really “age”.

Ah, I think you said it perfectly :)

The topic of the “age gap” is something I’ve been questioned many times and I always refer people to this post about pedophillia whenever that topic comes up, lol. Anyways, there’s really not much to attack about the age gap since it was PERSONALLY addressed in the drama itself… yes… the writer acknowledged the “ridiculous age gap” between Kim Shin and Ji Eun-Tak… an age gap of 900+ years >.> Now… really, the age gap doesn’t matter in their relationship because, like you said, Shin is in a state of “frozen time.” He’s an immortal for goodness sakes. He’s gonna forever look like that in 20 days, 10 years, 1000 years, FOREVER. But what ticks me off is how people ALWAYS mention his actual REAL LIFE AGE… when his REAL LIFE AGE has fuckin no importance in the drama whatsoever… Just like Kim Go Eun playing both a 19 yo and 29 yo… BUT SHE’S 25. So… what is the real purpose of their age gap in the drama???

The age gap serves as an obstacle for Shin and Eun-Tak to overcome if they want to meet again in the next life; that’s why they FIRST met when she was 19 and MET AGAIN when she was 19 because this shows that Shin loves her no matter what age she is, who she is, and what she is. Shin doesn’t know at what age he will meet Eun-Tak (goodness… she could be a frickin grandma by the time they meet again >.> which I hope that never happens cause that’s sad), but this doesn’t change the fact that he loves her and she is his only and last bride. Like I’ve mentioned, Canada is a special place because it is a land known for acceptance… which is their love… she accepts him for who he is and vice versa. People forget that Eun-Tak also has to love and accept Shin for who he is… yes… he physically looks like a man in his mid thirties but she doesn’t see him like that… she only sees him as the man she loves – not numbers. Their love defies all aspects of numerical value that we hold highly in today’s society… aka. age and time. A love so deep and true that their love cannot be quantified. Therefore, NUMBERS DO NOT EXIST IN THEIR WORLD… THEIR LOVE STORY. 

Here’s a beautiful poem by Lang Leav that I think sums up Shin and Eun-Tak’s age difference… 

“What if I told you that one day you will meet a girl who is unlike anyone else you’ve known. She will know all the right things to say, what makes you laugh, what turns you on, what drives you wild and best of all, you will do for her exactly what she does for you.“When will I meet her?”“Well let’s put it this way, she doesn’t even exist yet.” 

~Lang Leav

In the end, age is just a number…

We use numbers because we know how to make sense of them… 

However, we don’t know when we’ll find that person we want to spend the rest of our lives with…

We don’t know when we’ll fall in love…

We can’t tell ourselves to fall in love…

We can’t stop ourselves from falling in love… 

But when we do fall in love… 

When has love ever made sense anyways?