#That's all my brain can think I'd listing rn without making this too long but I hope y'all get the basic premise

[jumpscaregoose]

leans casually on the wall. hi. if possibly could i know about the theories you have rn for the rtl groups trap reactions….👁️👁️

I can give you like.... 75% of one??? I guess???

I've been staring at kenta's character page for the past 40+ minutes trying to figure out what his deal is and I thinkkkkkkk I might be on to something? I've got nothing for anyone else this little shit is my area of expertise

mostly I've been staring at these bad boys

the meanings of the first and last ones is pretty easy to figure out, "a dangerous mind" is probably referring to his programming skills/being a little bitch and "what kind of a joke is trust" obviously means his cynical attitude towards interpersonal relationships

such as this line from the opening show look at me point proof explanationing

"hands that pulled away" is interesting though

I'll include that the google-translated version of the official website lists these for the tags in english

and while the dog pun in "unleashed hands" does not escape me, I feel like "hands that pulled away" is probably more accurate (and is more interesting)

to me, the easiest way to interpret these tags together is as a chain of causality, with "a dangerous brain" causing "hands that pulled away" causing "what kind of a joke is trust"

translating that out of nonsense talk, I'm imagining that kenta's trust and interpersonal issues were caused by someone, either a caregiver or circle of peers, "pulling away" from him in response to his "dangerous brain"

we can actually verify this, or a similar event, through the timeline:

specifically, this entry:

it's clear that this event was what led him to take up programming, and that his opinions on other people were mostly solidified by age 8 (although the exact nature of the virus he created is vague, it's easy to assume it wasn't one you'd make while worrying about other people. we've all recently seen what massive international tech issues can do)

this is the most concrete theory I can think of based on the information available but while I have your captive attention I'd like to pose a similar question-

-when the HELL did he get his phantometal?

this was where my train of thought went after staring at that webpage for so long

certainly, there's no way he received it before entering the prison system. it does make sense that phantometal would be circling within prisons, especially considering how... weird the one we see is.

again this is where MORE DETAILS would be appreciated, GCREST/AVEX

mostly, I propose a chicken-and-egg problem: do you obtain phantometal from succeeding in prison rap, or do you succeed in prison rap because you have phantometal?

also, the exact timeline of prison rap rankings is. nonexistent. HOWEVER, we can again use the timeline to make inferences. it's mentioned that he begins posting tracks online at age 13. given how the prison operates (and the tidbits I know about real life) it's highly unlikely he would have access to a computer for long enough periods to produce and upload music without the preferential treatment given to those at the top of prison rap. therefore, I posit that this prison rap success occurred around age 13.

we also know that possessing phantometal was a qualifying requirement for participation in rtl, so this narrows down our timeline ever so slightly

in my mind, the most likely circumstances for kenta to acquire his phantometal are the chicken-and-egg solutions from above, which places the final date near the one we established for prison rap, around age 13

I have a few ideas as to how he got it, but I'm gonna keep those under wraps for future evil purposes

but that's just a theory

a-

no I'm not doing it it's too easy

and cut

[hermitshideout]

My tips on productivity for those who struggle with procrastination

Those are all tips that I gained from my own experience while fighting with my bad habits for years. I still haven't fully overcome them, but I feel that it helps, so maybe it'll help you too. I'd like to stress that I am not a qualified specialist on mental health and if you're struggling with procrastination the first thing you should do is seek professional help. All that said, here are the tips from me:

Fix your sleeping scedule & wake up early. I personally find it much easier to get into work when I start my day early, I feel like that makes me feel like I woke up to do certain things.

Plan a daily morning & night routine. It doesn't have to be long, but anything's better than staring at your phone for an hour after you woke up or before going to sleep.

Make to-do lists and prioritize tasks. I personally am forgetting things often, so having a list of things to be done really helps. I also like planning my work for the whole month and putting my calendar where I can see it so I always see when my deadlines are.

Don't dive into work without rest, it'll only make your procrastination impulses more. I have actually made that mistake many times. If you have a project or any other task that you're really passionate about, take your time. You don't want to juat work non-stop on it 24/7 so you burn out and find yourself unable to get out of bed for weeks. Keep in mind that you should switch activities time to time, I, for example, prefer to work for about 5 hrs a day (I don't go to college rn, I study for my entrance exams and am also working from home), sometimes a little more, and also take some time for exercise, hobbies and just chilling (like watching some Netflix for an hour). Give your brain a break.

Work on your perfectionism or other mental things that trigger your procrastination. Of course, the best way to do that is to get into therapy, but if you're a broke ass like me and you can't afford therapy, those are things that I do: a) research; for me part of the help was just figuring out why I procrastinate, turned out perfectionism isn't a very healthy thing; b) journaling; sometimes getting your thoughts and worries on paper just helps me to clear my mind and take a side look on myself; c) talk to someone about this stuff; sometimes it helps to just talk about your concerns with someone you're close with to get some support from them; ofc don't treat them like your free therapist, but sometimes your loved ones can give you a useful insightinsight.

Add some physical activity to your daily routine. It really helps. Not sure why thought, it probably has something to do with hormones and stuff.

Be kind to yourself. No one is perfect, no one can just snap their finger and turn into a super productive version of themselves in one day. You'll trip and fall time to time, but it's okay. You are already doing a lot by simply working to become better. Learn how to forgive yourself and accept all your flaws. It is definitely easy to say, I know, I have been trying to do that for years now and I'm still not done. But you can do that, have faith in yourself.

That's all I think. Those are not the only things I do ofc, but they are the most basic ones I think. Share your own tips, if you have them!

[mid-student-hannah]

ok SO I'm gonna expand on this later but basically posting htis now tupos and all so that I don't forget.

I need to average 10 hours a unit a week. that's 40 hours study a week including classes. This is not something I got when I was studying before and that was in part bc I went 'well... gotta Study All Day' and then simply didn't. So I need more structure.

I work decently with half hour blocks, more so than 25 minutes I think. If I can get myself to focus it works well. (I need to expermient with self-medicating with caffiene, honestly, maybe try energy drinks as well - anything that I can figure out that might help, even if a placebo efect.) This means I need to average - anyway, I did figures earlier today and they came down to if I try and aim for 15 blocks a day, which gives a bit of leeway if I'm planning on studying six days a wekk give or take. Hence if I aim for 8-10 blocks in the morning (assuming studying at home and no classes) and the remaining 5-7 in the afternoon (ideally I'd then get the evening off). Classes of course are included in this. I haven't looked up time for commuting from my planned residence. Depending on how long the commute is I might go in to uni to study even when I'm not classes.

Need to look up when there are assignemtns and also work out the whole taking notes situation. Basically I would need ideally to make a list of these are the things I have to do everyday and the things I ought to do (there is a difference). I want to try the whole pull a random task out of a hat thing too, a combination of that and also what do I want to do. I need fun things in there too.

Ideally I need to hit the various food targets I have (gradually assembling an additional-to-meals plan as time goes by, and trying to get a better idea of portion sizes; this is daunting but I need to figure it out beforehand or it won't happen I know that).

I need to get work of some kind I think but that's not something I want to deal with just yet. I need to look at how much classes I have also. Honestly I'd consider trying to go back to my old job briefly even though it's not very fulfilling in terms of experience or career. Anyway.

I want to keep up with my hobbies as best I can. Need to set up stuff for art, like plan out things so that I can work on that without too much brain required at least to some extent if I just wnat to art without thinking. Probably want to pull my stories into places where I can be doing smth with them every day or every couple of days, somehow. I ought to go walking every day. Honestly vaguely considering getting an exercise bike or something because then I can read/listen to audiobooks for uni while still exercising I dunno. Could turn into bad fueling ED tho. Then again I think it's very likely I'm gonna relapse to a greater or lesser extent bc of uni. With whatever bad coping mechanism/s. Need to look further into electric pianos so that I can play piano whenever as a stress reliever. All of these things are dealing with stress ina healthy way. That's the worst for me I think. Also photography helps and helps me ot feel like I'm doing something good and useful.

Need good sleep schedule. I'm thinking of trying to end up with nine hours sleep time, which includes tucking self into bed and also more pertinently Ransom. Gives leeway for terrible sleeping at times too. Not getting enough rn both bc brain won't switch off and also bc I keep going to bed too late for the hour. Like rn even if I slept right now I'd get seven hours twenty minutes bc my alarm goes early.

But yeah I need to work out something more structured with studying or whatever. need to look up my units too to figure these things out. I need to have textbooks and I need to read them. I didn't really last semester and that was a mistake. And I need to figure out how to take notes. Possibly brother's graphics tablet will help. Maybe look at getting a ReMarkable if I can see one for cheap somewhere. Need to practise handwriting in whatever form too because yeah that's a problem.

I need to figure out something to do with various problems that consume my brainspace. A bunch of htem were more repressed bc of giving in to ED and now they're louder again bc I'm in recovery.

I'd also have to work out how to take care of Ransom while I'm away at uni during the day. He's also a stress reliever too.

I don't know how accommodations for mental health problems work there either but I need to get accommodations I think (talk to psych).

Structure is good for me but I need to make sure it's not something that will make things worse and make me overwhelmed also. Need to give myself enough downtime so that I can cope. Anyhow things as they were last year didn't work, and if anything my mental health is significantly worse than it was then, even though in some ways it's improved.

Need to go back to doctor so I can pursue ADHD diagnosis stuff too. That was supposed to happen this year. It. Didn't.

I need to find an app that I can use to record the time blocks in some way. Maybe on my phone so I can have it next to me. I'll need to have some kind of time lock on Discord I think and maybe tumblr even though I want to be using this sideblog or stuff. Then again I can post from my backup account perhaps if I sign out of my main, since I have all my sideblogs shared with it. I dunno. Thoughts be thoughtsing. Also this is way longer than I intended. Maybe I shall come back and edit or add to it and put in dot points.

Gonna ramble about my units soon tho once I've looked them up and all. Also gotta check with student connect. Am I repeating myself? who knows.

[jankwritten]

it's after 9 pm on a saturday you know what that means VENT TIME (no seriously why is it always late at night on saturdays i'm so confused)

i think that what I'm experiencing psychologically rn is brain fog. thinking is tiring. thinking about thinking makes me feel stupid. I can barely read long posts because i get so tired of trying to comprehend them halfway through. i find myself reading nothing but fanfiction because it's lighthearted and accessibly written and i don't have to think too hard about it, i can just let it carry me into whatever it is it's written about.

i keep wishing that I was "smart enough" for critical analysis like i see online, and like all my friends do, but the fact of the matter is in my current state i just can't DO THAT. it's not that I'm not smart enough, it's just that thinking about ANYTHING is so exhausting, even the things that I enjoy, I can't put any extra thought into anything. i want to write fanfiction that does deep dives into character's feelings and thoughts and why they do the things they do, but I can barely make it through a sentence without losing my original intention. even some of the sentences in this post i've had trouble figuring out how to finish because i lose the thread and can't find it again.

it's fucking rough man.

i've suspected that I have long COVID for a while because this past year has been rough for me in a way i'd never experienced before i got sick. looking at a list of long COVID symptoms is like a checklist for all the weird shit that i've suddenly got going on ever since i got sick.

it's weird to be struck with this realisation just now, while watching Criminal Minds, but I think that that's genuinely what this is. I need to be kinder to myself, and remind myself that no, I'm not stupid. It's not my fault that I can't keep up with my peers right now. I'm reminded of all the posts I've seen of other people in similar situations, who described something that's almost identical to how I feel. I don't know how it never entirely clicked before.

it's reassuring in some way or another, anyhow. That like, this isn't just me being dumb. I haven't always been this way. there is hope (hopefully there's hope lmao) that at some point the brain fog will go away and I won't feel like this anymore. And I'M NOT dumb, even with the brain fog I'm not stupid, nobody is stupid for things out of their control. just having complicated feelings about it.

[fluffyk97]

A Future Family Au

I need some fluff and I want to talk about it, so have all this. Note: This includes Lavashipping & Jay. Pixane exists too but I have yet to decide to give them a kid or not. Lloyd just lives the single life.

Takes place years later. The Ninja in their late 20s and starting their 30s.

Jay & Nya end up having twins (Yes, Jay did faint when they learned it was twins.)

Nya and Jay struggled coming up with their names and ended up settling on two gender neutral names: Raine & Skye. (Who end up being she/they and they/them nonbinary kiddos anyway) also mainly because I couldn't really decide myself, but nonbinary good.

Wu is still hanging around, just not as strong as he used to be, but he's super happy to witness their birth and hold them. Good ol' Grandpa.

They still have their Ninja duties so they have to work around Nya, and/or Jay, not being around a lot of the time while Nya was pregnant and while they take care of their kids.

If Nya and Jay are absolutely required, one of the others stay behind at times to babysit. Of course though if all of them are needed they call Skylor or somebody as well.

Kai & Lloyd are the best kind of Uncles.

Raine & Skye does make Cole highkey reminiscence that feeling of being a "parent".

Cole & Kai have a talk about finding a way to get their own kid.

One day while out in the city during the Winter, Kai is running an errand and a shopkeeper recognizes him, asking for help to scare off this "stray animal" he's been hearing in the alley.

Kai reluctantly agrees, thinking he'll actually bring the animal to the shelter or something, only to find a little boy, not older than 6.

The boy quickly hides from Kai, who notices the kid trembling from the cold and coughing, showing signs he's sick.

Kai gently coaxes the kid out, and when he finally comes out, Kai hugs him and the boy sinks into the warmth radiating off of Kai.

The boy's name is Milo.

Kai goes home with Milo basically like: "Hey Cole?? Remember when we talked about getting a kid?"

Milo is a very anxious and timid kid so he takes a bit to get used to everyone, basically latching onto Kai all the time.

They all learn Milo is very prone to getting sick a lot, and that led to his parents abandoning him.

Kai basically has to be held back from murdering his parents as they manage to track them down and go through a bunch of legal work to officially adopt Milo.

News of the Ninja fighting for custody does spread which ends leading to a baby being dropped at the Monestary doors one day.

It's a little girl and they're unable to find her parents. While figuring out what to do, they notice Milo bonding with the baby, leading to Kai & Cole to adopt her as well.

While figuring out a name, Kai ends up suggesting that they name her after Cole's Mom, Lilly. Makes Cole want to marry Kai all over again-

Milo is the oldest of all the kids. Raine & Skye are 3 years behind from Milo. Lilly is the youngest.

Milo inherits Kai's Fire and it ends up helping him no longer get sick so often. Lilly inherits Earth from Cole just like her Grandma.

It does freak Kai & Cole out a little when they first start showing signs of their powers until they remember how Zane got Ice without being related to the previous Ice Master.

Raine inherits Water. Skye inherits Lightning.

Ultra is still alive and the Monestary has a Dragon Stable for them and other dragons because I said so, so the kids grew up a lot around Dragons.

Lloyd is basically a the kids' cool older brother/Uncle/Cousin? It's complicated but they all love him.

Lloyd is the main caretaker of the Dragons, and he loves to take the kids out on Dragon rides.

Nya & Jay are super supportive as Raine & Skye work out their identities and pronouns.

Kai is a big Mother Hen, wanting to give his kids the best life growing up and everything that he didn't get to experience after his parents disappeared.

Nya has a bit of that problem as well, just not as bad as Kai's.

Zane & Pixal are the main babysitters, aside from Skylor.

Zane & Pix also love to help to take over when they notice either pair of parents getting exhausted so they can get some rest.

Lloyd lost his babysitting privileges when he thought he could balance babysitting with Dragon caring and Green Ninja duties, leading him to collapse in exhaustion at the end of the day. The kids say they had a blast though-

Milo definitely breaks out of his shell when growing up, but still can't help but be more introverted and closed in.

Milo does take a liking to dancing and Cole teaches him. He tends to take his learning to his future battle training and fighting.

Lilly grows up a lot more extroverted and likes to be more optimistic in the group.

One time the family visits Shintaro, the Munce and Geckles of course take a liking to her from being named after her grandmother. Gleck even ends up giving the locket to her after much thought. Lilly treasures it and nearly never takes it off.

Milo and Lilly's relationship are basically just the equivalent to "Excuse me, he asked for no pickles."

Raine & Skye both grow up a perfect mix between Nya & Jay. Both can be pretty loud and talk a lot like their dad, while also being headstrong and stubborn like their mother.

The twins take a liking to inventing just like their parents as well. Taking and using it in their battles as well, and even to do little pranks here and there.

Raine & Skye are basically inseparable.

Here is the basic looks of the kiddos in their possible Young adult years, made in @sangled 's Picrew

Milo & Lilly

Raine & Skye

[remcycl333]

Hi!

Im new to your page but I saw some of your responses to your asks and I was wondering how do I get to the point of not really having to affirm. To me it's exhausting but I continue to do it because coaches keep saying that it's how you manifest or whatever. I don't mind doing it every once in a while but all day everyday is too tiring. so it really intrigued me to see when you said you rarely affirm anymore you just know it done and relax. Whats that process like I'm sorry if you've answered a question like this before. its just that they way you described yours so far has me thinking it's the best process for so I was hoping you could go into more detail about it, especially because I have like a whole list of things that i'd like to manifesting and I was wondering with the way you manifest if I could manifest everything I want to show up exactly how I want, like i want to change my SPs age I heard that some else had done that, altogether.

Like I wanna manifest working in my dream career without having the "proper requirements" but I also want to move into this particular house that's in another state on the other side of the country. I wanna manifest physical changes and my SP and financial freedom and things like that.

Sorry if this was too long. But thank you for any advice you might give.

hi! honestly, you're at the point right now where you don't really have to affirm anymore. there's no preparation for it, you just stop. and it's hard at first i'm not going to lie. especially if you're like me and your brain just kinda autopilots and says them. (which obviously isn't bad, these aren't negatively effecting u at all, it's just annoying sometimes). ++ i was also taught that the more u say ur affirmations the faster your manifestation would come, which is just...not true. so i was scared at first that if i stopped affirming i wouldn’t manifest things. but this also wasn’t true. so the first few days may seem hard, but just keep reassuring yourself that “it is done” whenever you think about it, then shift your focus someplace else. force yourself to think about anything else. anything. just not your manifestation. and trust me, it gets easier. 

i love saying “it is done” bc it implies a lot of things to me. one, creation is done, there’s nothing i can say or do to “mess it up.” i don’t have to put in anymore effort. there’s nothing more i can do to bring it to me. it’s like when you plant a seed and water it. there’s nothing else you can do to make it grow faster. it’ll grow under the soil for a while before you actually see it above ground. this is the same as behind the scenes movement. the second you say it’s done, stuff will start shifting. even if its not what you expect to see right away. like your sp is gonna start thinking about you, or if someone is living in the house you want rn they’re going to start having thoughts about wanting to move out. the people who will hire you are going to fire an old employee, effectively making room for you. etc. 

so basically i guess what im trying to say is that you just have to take that leap and trust yourself. stop affirming 24/7. it gets easier, i promise. and if it helps, just reassure yourself with affirmations like “omg it’s working, this is working, im doing everything right” etc, if you happen to find yourself worrying that you’re not doing it right. you’re doing everything right all the time. you can’t do it wrong.

also just remind yourself that you have been manifesting your whole life. its so fun to look at something you got in the past and reverse engineer it and seeing how you got it. like i would look back at old relationships and i remember right before they made a move on me or “slid into my dms” whenever i thought of them i’d be like omfg they like me..they have the biggest crush on me. like not affirming. i’d just think this naturally and then go on with my day. this is literally how you manifest...the affirm all day everyday is such an over complication. 

sorry for the super long response lmfaoo but to sum everything up you’re ready rn. we don’t affirm “i am a master manifestor” to try to become one, it’s literally us just reassuring ourselves. reminding ourselves. you’ve been manifesting flawlessly and effortlessly your whole life. and you will continue to do so!!

good luck, i hope this helped:)

[void-selfships-archive]

All the Unique Asks with whomever is on the brain rn?

Oooo ok ok! I think I might go with Spamton! Recently moved him to the romantics list so I gotta give him a lil attention!

Might be a bit long too so its gonna b under the cut!

phantasmagorical - what is your favorite fantasy involving your f/o? this can be either sfw or nsfw, but please specify.

This isn't the right blog to get all suggestive content lmao. So...hm. Honestly half of my daydreams with him involve us either hanging out [just in general rlly] or going on a picnic. Picnics are nice but I enjoy the softcore content of random locations for us to just walk and talk in!

endive - if, under the circumstance, you were able to treat your f/o to a single, beautiful day without a budget, what would it consist of?

Oh that's...hm I'm not sure. I'd feel like he'd be more inclined to spoil me! Take me out to dinner, spend a day going clothes shopping, all that junk y'know? Ah, he'd take me to the fair just so we could ride the ferris wheel too, he's a real romantic lmao

limerance - gush about your f/o, no limits… but the catch is, gush as if its a message directly to your f/o.

[Sweetie Honey] Babe, love of my life [APPLE OF MY EYE!] You know you get my digital heart thrumming everytime you compliment me, everytime you lay your eyes on me and look at me so lovingly I just know I could [Never Give You Up!] Even tho you're the [Slimey Bastard!] who got thrown into my garbage can and proceeded to insert yourself into my space I'm glad [very very] much so that it happened. [BUT BUT] like in the sense that we got to meet and not that you were [Thrown out in the prime of your life!] That part sucks.

au courant - describe in detail or provide an image of your favorite outfit your f/o has worn. if they only have one outfit, find, draw, or make an outfit collage online of something you’d like to see them in.

Ah, I'm don't have the energy to do this one but to me he's got the turtleneck suit combo, it's great.

ubiquitous - how popular is your f/o in the fandom? do you think the fandom treats them well?

They kept making jokes about him becoming the next Tumblr Sexyman and then he did.

foofaraw - do your chosen aesthetics line up well with your f/os? meaning, if the two of you were to say, decorate a home, would your chosen styles clash or compliment each other?

I'd like to think our aesthetics compliment eachother!

fanfaronade - what would your f/o say when bragging about you to others?

He says some weird shit sometimes [implies that I don't] but he enjoys having me...I don't wanna say on display or...like showing me off but he does that sometimes. He has a wide variety of [Mature Audiences Only!] Compliments...and normal ones but regardless he's very vocal about how he feels about me.

ineffable - describe your f/o in only aesthetics. you can make a moodboard, or perhaps describe them with colors, songs, scents, unique words (; no explicit or literal details, if you can help it. be indirect. paint a picture.

This took awhile! It's been a bit since I've made a moodboard lmao

serendipity - how did you first discover your f/o, or your f/os source material? how did you feel when you first saw your f/o in your source material?

Ah I've been into Deltarune since it first came out

And truth be told literally the second he came on screen I was like

BHWBXJSH LIKE JUST LOOKING AT HIM I WAS LAUGHING AND SNICKERING AND I KNEW I WANTED HIM AS A BESTIE OR SMTH. and now hes a romantic lmao

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful