#The Spreadsheet Digest

[wannab-urs]

Pedro Pascal Character Fic Recs | Vol 43

AO3 | Kofi | Main Masterlist | The Spreadsheet Masterlist

Hello Friends!

Welcome to the 43rd installment of the Spreadsheet Digest! I did a lot of reading this week and I'm very excited to share it with y'all. All summaries and tags are provided by the author, unless they weren't - then I filled them in.

Want to be on the digest? Tag me in your work and I'll do my best to read it <3

Let Them See - Dave one shot by @sizzlingcloudmentality

he gets you off in front of the other guys

explicit, smut, no use of y/n, reader is ablebodied, d/s dynamics (duh), voyeurism, exhibitionism, very affectionate degradation (it's Dave, of course he calls you a slut), female masturbation, male masturbation, unprotected p in v, very affectionate possessive talk, creampie, petnames (baby), choking

This is so hot... Like... SO hot

Let Them Feel - Dave one shot by @guiltyasdave

(author's note) yesterday the lovely em @/luxurychristmaspudding posted this poll with the compelling question in a room full of p boys, who is getting you off (in front of everyone else 👀)?, which led to the lovely daphne @/sizzlingcloudmentality posting let them see (go read that asap!), which then led to me asking "hey do you mind if i continue this?" and then writing 2k words in a state that i can only describe as possessed

explicit smut (-> 18+ only!), able-bodied reader, reader has hair that can be grabbed, no use of y/n, dom!dave, exhibitionism, lowkey group sex tbh, rough oral sex (m receiving), fingering, degradation kink, praise kink

After reading Let Them See, I was dying for more because it was so good and then the lovely Jana gave me more and it was everything.

Eros and Psyche - Dieter series by @schnarfer

Dieter is a modern day Greek God Eros. We’re going full existential dread rom-com, actually.

Vaguely inspired by the Greek myth of Eros & Psyche, soul mates, yearning, emotional torment, drugs and alcohol references, lots of swears, slow burn, discussions of death and mental health, eventual smut. Dieter is a walking red flag. Reader is named (Psyche) but physical descriptions are minimal. Time is meaningless but also always marching on. Lots of Dieter POV. Fleabag coded.

this fic... I adore the soulmates trope as sort of a guilty pleasure, but this was beyond anything I've ever read within that trope. It's sweet, a bit sad at times, and just perfect in every way. The descriptions, the characters, the everything. Despite my rambling I feel like I'm speechless because I can't quite articulate why I think this fic is perfect. Just trust me.

Do it Like Madonna - Dieter one shot by @covetyou

Being Dieter Bravo's plus one to a party isn't always all it's cracked up to be, and sometimes, just sometimes, it puts a smile on your face anyway.

no smut. nudity. mention of Dieter Bravo's dick and balls. drug and alcohol use/refrence, improper use of party hats. cameos from Javi G, Oberyn, and Santos (all the P-Boys are there!) gn!reader

This is so fucking funny and so quintessentially Dieter. Perfection

Bloodlust - Din series by @dindjarindiaries

A daring favor from Boba Fett sends you and your long-time business partner, Din Djarin, undercover together—as a married couple.

fake marriage, fluff & angst, hurt/comfort, eventual/mild smut, sexual references, injuries & blood, canon-typical violence

this fic was adorable, and the plot was so interesting. I love their love ugh. It's just so cute and earnest and everything I needed.

Waiting Game - Din/Ez one shot by @northernbluess

din quite literally crashed into your life when you least expected it. injured and seriously stubborn, you took him in and as you tenderly nursed him to health, your bond grew in quiet shared moments. the day came when he was recovered enough to leave you, except he never did. now, you find yourself in a similar predicament, taking in another wearied stranger just as you had with din. he ensnares you, pulling you into his orbit, with his silver tongue, stolen touches, and hungry eyes—but what happens when you find out that he has seemingly charmed din too?

threesome, m/m/f, voyeur ezra, possessive din, oral (m and f receiving), unprotected PIV sex, unprotected anal sex, double penetration, fingering, slight dom!din, ezra is a bit of a creep at first, major canon divergence (no grogu, no cee, ezra still has his arm, etc.), choking/breathplay, biting, squirting, one (1) slap, lots of tension, panties(?), mutual pining, probably OOC, pure filth tbh. no use of y/n.

I am unhinged about this. DinEz is my favorite ship and I adore MMF threesome fics with them. This was breathtakingly good.

Thy Kingdom Cum - Ezra one shot by @absurdthirst and @storiesofthefandomlovers

The new priest's arrival to your parish has you doubting your commitment to God.

Blasphemy, inaccuracies with nuns/religious inaccuracies, religious guilt, lust, desire, demonic possession, dark intentions, sexual corruption, loss of innocence, virgin reader, oral sex (male and female receiving), vaginal sex, unprotected sex, dirty talk, derogatory language, sex in a confessional, cock riding, pregnancy, mentions of prophesy, end of times, unnatural childbirth, death

Always love a good demon!Ezra, and I loved the steep fall into corruption little bird went through ugh. This was so good. The innocence of reader and the depravity of Ez was such a good contrast. I love this

Sit Back, Baby - Frankie one shot by @almostfoxglove

You've got a crush on your neighbor across the hall and finally get the chance to show him you care.

Smut (m!oral), pwp, drinking (not during smut), sorta sub!Frankie.soft,

subby frankie is forever one of my favorites. I just wanna take care of him dammit. Can't resist a good blowjob fic either. All around wonderful in every way.

Bad Idea - Javi P one shot by @murder-wife

A lil quickie on the couch never hurt anyone

fingering, unprotected PIV, panty sniffing, couch sex, the sex blanket makes an appearance! *LEAVING SOME THINGS UNTAGGED TO AVOID SPOILERS* proceed with caution, nothing dark, everyone is of age and constenting

I love everything about this. The whole premise is perfect. The plot twist??? to die for, truly.

You Can Be My Daddy - Javi P one shot by @thesummerpetrichor

Your soon to be husband leaves you at the altar, but you should have guessed since the practice seemed to run in the family. It’s hard to be upset however, when his father comes to repent for not only his own but his son’s wrong doings. Aka fiancé’s dad Javi fucking you in your wedding dress after his son ditches you at the altar.

Minimal editing, unspecified but thicc and legal age gap, infidelity, daddy kink, heavy breeding kink, insane dirty talk, toxic father son relationship, reader is delulu, praise kink, petnames, sex in front of a mirror, veil pulling??, a few spanks, creampie, Javi fucks you into the mattress, unprotected P in V [don’t do it!!].

Getting left at the altar sucks, but getting fucked into the mattress by your would-be father-in-law makes it alllll better. God damn this was hot

A Litany of Lethe - Javi P one shot by @kiwisbell

Working on his father’s ranch, Javier Peña tries to leave Colombia behind. The new housekeeper reminds him how much he enjoys a challenge.

post-narcos s3 canon, slow burn, catch the much ado references and i’ll give u a cookie, second chance, enemies to lovers, i take liberties with some geography, javi suffers from foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, angsty javier, angsty reader, angsty everything, bickering, tension of all varieties, emotional constipation from both parties, chucho being wingman no. 1, discussions of past sexual relationships, mentions of domestic abuse (not against reader), implied child neglect/abuse, grovelling king javier peña, we call him grovi, implied age gap, it's been 10 years since javi left for colombia bc i said so, reader has hair, javi is a munch, oral sex (f receiving), grinding, bickering during sex, javi is not a brat tamer but he is a brat handler (thank u mya), unprotected PIV, creampie, dirty talk, fingering, pussy pronouns, lots of biting, javi vampire confirmed??

This reads like literature or poetry or some shit. I loved Javi's internal monologue so much. I loved getting inside his head like that. The smut is so worth the wait too ugh. I love a long ass one shot <3

Touch Tank - Javi P one shot by @thundermartini

Javier helps you get over a little self-confidence crisis.

it’s self indulgent porn with plot guys. smut, kissing, oral sex - f! receiving + m! receiving, shower sex, mention of piv sex, allusion to vaginal fingering, established relationship, domestic fluff, pet names, soft!javi, blue shirt javi (but picture any javi you want), a lot of feelings again, reader has hair, insecure reader (mentions of her not fitting in the lingerie she chose as she would love to but no further descriptions so you can imagine whatever you want).

Obsessed with Javi being into lingerie, first of all. I blame @iamskyereads Lie to Me for that. Secondly, this was so hot and sweet. I love how they make each other feel better. So fucking cuuuuute

Me on You - Joel one shot by @luxurychristmaspudding

after a night out dancing and a lift home turns into something more, you learn something about your dad's buddy.

it's smut, y'all. everything you've come to expect. respectable age gap (10 years ish), tiny bit of spanking, one (1) gentle pussy slap, lil bit of daddy kink, joel miller eats it from the back (oral (f&m)), edging, unprotected piv (do better), creampie, feelings, joel miller's whore mouth.

Joel Miller fucks and it is so unbearably hot

Lost in the Darkness - Joel one shot by softlybarnes (AO3)

Joel wants you. The only problem is you're the on the arm of one of his partners.

Angst, Abuse, Abusive Relationships (not between reader/joel), Smut, Biting, Insecurity, Self-Worth Issues, Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Anxiety, Dissociation, Canon-Typical Violence, Torture, Blood and Injury, Past Sexual Assault, Character Death

Ohhhh I love this. The way they're both fucking feral ugh. It's so good.

There's a Place and Time - Joel one shot by @penvisions

Moving back to your parents house wasn't part of the plan, neither was being a thorn in your neighbor's side. but you roll with the punches, and hey, he's kinda cute when he gets huffy.

age gap (joel is mid 30's / reader is mid 20's), angst, biting words, argumentative language, joel is a lil meanie but so is reader, grief, off-screen loss, depictions of depression, comfort, mushy stuff

Joel has foot in mouth disease lmaooo. I liked the depiction of grief in this a lot. Very sweet fic with some excellent banter and even better softness.

So Much to Lose - Joel series by @auteurdelabre

Newly settled into Jackson city and forced to go on patrols with the miserable Joel Miller sets off a chain of events and encounters that have you questioning everything, including your own heart.

Enemies to Lovers, Ellie & Joel Bonding (The Last of Us), Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Joel Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Joel Lives (The Last of Us), Hurt Joel (The Last of Us), Joel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (The Last of Us), Dom/sub Undertones, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Eventual Happy Ending, Shameless Smut, Smut, Gratuitous Smut, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Fingerfucking, Vaginal Fingering, Oral Sex, Rough Oral Sex, Reader-Insert, Face-Fucking, Lesbian Ellie (The Last of Us), Drama & Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Outdoor Sex, Forced Bonding, Cooking, Guitars, Love Confessions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Trauma

The thing I really love about this fic is the way the side characters are integrated and just as important as reader and Joel. Jennifer, Luke, Ellie, Maria -- they're all important. I also love the slow transition from mean!Joel to soft!Joel, the way it isn't exactly linear, and the motivations behind his behavior. It's so rewarding to watch him open up over time UGH. So Good.

Scarlet Haze - Joel series by @katiexpunk

Life in the QZ was fairly predictable. That was, until Joel Miller showed up on your doorstep covered in blood. Since then, you've helped him more times than you can count. Now it's his turn to return the favor.

SEX POLLEN. SEX POLLEN. SEX POLLEN. Set in the TLOU universe in the Boston QZ. Buckle the fuck up for a lot of filthy, feral smut. Check chapter warnings for specifics.

GOD I love sex pollen fics. so so much. This series is unfinished but you get smut in part two and it's entirely worth it. So fucking good.

I Know You By Heart - Joel/Ezra series by @sixhours

Joel and Ellie settle into their new lives in Jackson but it's not the easiest transition. Thankfully Jackson has a counselor to help with that.

Joel is bad at feelings and relationships, Ellie is a little shit (affectionate), canon-compliant with season 1, SMUT, gay sex, anal sex, anal fingering, blowjobs, bisexual!Joel, period-typical homophobia, light angst, angst with a happy ending, romance, alcoholic behavior, age gap (~10ish years so barely a thing)

Obsessed with this pairing. Ezra and Cee in Jackson?? I love it so much. The smut is so good... Like... SO GOOD. I love me some gay pedro boys and I love gay dads in love. HMU for more gay dads in love fics, bc I have a couple recs.

Fortnight - Lucien one shot by @pedgito

it was never a favor, allowing him to take up space in your apartment. but, time after time, he finds his way back and somehow, it brings an unexpected normalcy to your life.

the uninvited spoilers, set post-movie, roommates to lovers, enemies to lovers, reader works in the film industry, financial hardship, shitty living situations, lucien is a schmooze and a drunk, but also a sweetheart, angst, feelings, reader has shit luck with dating, there's also smut in here somewhere i swear (oral, couch sex, unprotected piv, all the good stuff)

Oh Lucien the pathetically sexy man that you are. This was everything I wanted it to be and more.

Prima Nocta - Marcus Acacius one shot by @fuckyeahdindjarin

Tomorrow, you will marry your husband-to-be. But tonight - it belongs to his father.

DUB CON only due to nature of prima nocta, both parties enthusiastically consent, twist on prima nocta, unspecified age gap, loss of virginity, dirty talk, oral sex (F receiving), fingering, dry humping, unprotected sex, unrealistic descriptions of first sexual experience, all manners of historical inaccuracies and linguistic anachronisms sorry not sorry, ignores the events of the movie so you can consider this an AU, Marcus is widowed and has a son, shall we call this bfd: Ancient Rome version lmao

This is the first Marcus Acacius fic I've read and it was fucking incredible. Def will be reading more of him from now on. UGHGHGGH this was so hot.

Cosmic Love - Marcus Acacius/Marcus Pike one shot by @kedsandtubesocks

a missing statue, a handsome ancient roman general, an equally handsome museum visitor - and you caught in the magical (and wonderful) mess of it all

MAJOR GLADIATOR 2 SPOILERS. time travel AU, magic elements, pining & yearning, fluff but with touches of angst, implied age gap (Acacius being older than both reader & Marcus), light use of gendered language, bi!Marcus Acacius & bi!Marcus Pike, brief mention of death & existential questioning, spicy themes, smut (threesome, m!oral, one moment of spitting) M/M/F & M/M dynamics, polyamorous exploration that leads to eventual poly relationship, no use of y/n

I love a time travel AU, it reminds me of Kate and Leopold. This fic was so cute, had just the right touch of angst, and was so hot UGH. I loved how sweet Acacius was and how down bad Pike was and just... everything really

Strawberry Sugar - Oberyn one shot by @guiltyasdave

Your boyfriend spoils you on your birthday morning. In some... unexpected ways.

explicit smut (-> 18+ only!), able-bodied reader, no use of y/n, food play, dirty talk, oral sex (f receiving), ridiculous amounts of fluff

Delicious, filthy, fluffy, just wonderful, really.

Happy Reading!

[copperbadge]

The Financial Modeling World Championship is heating up! The eight finalists will be selected during the Livestream at the link on November 2.

[brothernasty]

Since some of the other fundraisers I've reblogged are really close to their goals, I want to share some of the less-funded Palestinian fundraisers I've donated to in the hopes that my followers can help them out or get them more attention:

Raghad, foreign exchange student with ~$7,000/$25,000

Muhammad, student studying software development with ~$2,050/$30,000

Mohammed and his siblings and parents, with ~$1,400/$45,000

[dreadwedge]

Bet you didn’t think a cute little baby goat like me, resting beneath a black walnut tree to escape the summer sun, would be proficient in Microsoft Excel, did you. Bet you didn’t expect me to know how to optimize a spreadsheet by implementing conditional formatting rules huh. Bet you took one look at me and thought “no way this kid knows how to use the VLOOKUP function.” Well guess what, I do. I know a diverse array of useful formulas and my body is capable of digesting poison ivy. I eat that shit like potato chips. Get the fuck out of my paddock

[ranmagender]

Art Videos I've Learned From

Here's some art videos that i greatly learned from. i dont work well with things presented in a specific rigid fashion my brain just doesnt respond to it well so here's some that helped me.

Teaching Myself to Draw for 30 days by Leap Tries It

Even more so than the pewdiepie video this video was what made me feel like i could do it myself, he shows like every step of the way both mistakes and victories, its nice.

Pursuing Art at 30 (as a beginner) by Taylor Losch

This one resonated with me because I'm also 30 and while I did draw things as a younger person I gave it up around the time I turned 18 because my mindset was still that if im not instantly good at something i cry. Its a nice video and outlines his pursuit.

What to study to improve your art by bluebiscuits

lays out the fundamentals in an easy to digest manner. what i appreciate is that she lays it out without assumptions of you going for a realistic style which i feel too many art tutorials fall into on youtube

Draw boxes (correctly) to improve your art by pikat

Lays out how drawing boxes helps you be able to draw in perspective and build up your character to make them look less flat. Ive still yet to learn this but ive been doing exercises of drawing boxes so im sure its just a matter of drawing more and more boxes.

Can a beginner ACTUALLY learn how to draw in 30 days? by pikat

she goes over the pewdiepie video and does an experiment with her partner who doesnt really draw and is a math and spreadsheet nerd and idk i thought it was just fun and cute at times. It does also show some pitfalls.

Theres more but I think these are a good place to start, at least they were for me. Your experience may differ, people learn differently but hopefully this will help some

[wordsnstuff]

Hey, so i'm working on my first WIP, and i wanted to ask about drafting. When can one consider their first draft done? Does it have to have the goal word count (ie; 100K), or would being about halfway there be considered a good enough first draft, that i can move on to the second and start editing?

Concluding each stage of the writing process

It's difficult to know when a phase of a writing project has concluded and you're ready to focus on a new objective as it's developing. I tend to approach my writing projects with a clear and uniform trajectory, regardless of how diverse my projects can be. This approach allows me to remain focused, thorough, and reassured that I am covering all my bases in an organized fashion. However, it also maintains space for me to be explorative and intuitive when necessary. In regards to word count, I don't think it's entirely relevant unless you're determined to adhere to strict genre conventions. Give your story the space it needs and not an extra inch.

(Optional) Zero Draft

In this phase, you're telling yourself the story. You're doing it quickly, messily, intuitively, and forgivingly. Explore every idea that glows in the dark for you, don't throw anything away or discount any possibility. Exhaust your imagination in this phase so that when you reach the first draft, you know you're making informed decisions.

First Draft

You're crafting the structure and core elements of the story. This is often the phase of discovery. You're becoming acquainted with your characters and how they interact, you're beginning to feel at home in the world and settings you've built, and you're seeing all sides of the conflict as it evolves. The goal here is settle on a beginning, middle, and end point, and by the end of this process you want to know your characters' motivations and relationships inside and out.

Second Draft

Go back quickly through the first draft and address any points where you got stuck, where you compromised for the sake of carrying on to the end, and fill in any apparent blanks. The first time you really iron something out, there will always be a few pesky creases. This is the time to find and flatten them.

Third Draft

This is where you question everything. Identify and scrutinize your decisions, dive into the "curtains are blue" discussions with yourself, and begin to tidy up things like grammar, clumsy dialogue, over-poured descriptions, and dubious vocabulary. Comb through each paragraph and be brutal, prioritizing clarity and intentionality of how you've told the story.

The Read Through

This is the point where I recommend doing three things:

Letting it rest away from you for 1-3 months so that you can return to it with a bit of unfamiliarity and new perspective.

Hand it off to a couple of trusted readers and give them ample time to read, digest, and craft some feedback

Reread the project once all the way through making no changes (although annotations are acceptable)

Fourth Draft

Finishing touches. Vigorously and meticulously scrub and scrape between the lines and imagine giving it to your worst enemy. If you can imagine any mean (but valid) things they could conceive of to say about it, this is the time to grapple with or fix those details.

Additional Resources

Guide to Drafting

Word Count/Productivity Tracker Spreadsheet

Balancing Detail & Development

Writing The First Chapter

Writing The Middle of Your Story

Powering Through The Zero-Draft Phase

Writing The Last Chapter

Chapter Length

Happy drafting,

x Kate

[fiftyfiftyfinchy]

Things ArthurTV would do in a relationship <3 (Part 2)

Meticulously plans themed movie nights where you both dress up as characters and invite all your friends, but his costume is always hilariously underwhelming.

Writes you cheesy, handwritten notes and hides them in random places like your bag, shoes, or cereal box.

Gets overly invested in your favorite TV show, then bombards you with theories and plot predictions like he’s part of the writers’ room.

Invents a secret handshake that gets more ridiculous every time you do it, but insists it’s “our thing.”

Runs a ‘science experiment’ to find the best brands of tea, involving blind taste tests and spreadsheets.

Accidentally calls your parents ‘mate’ when he meets them and cringes about it for weeks afterward.

Creates a “Relationship Museum” folder on his phone filled with candid pictures of you, funny screenshots of your conversations, and inside jokes.

Acts like a tourist in your own city, insisting you both go to the most cliché spots and take cheesy photos together.

Freaks out when you’re sick, bringing you soup, tissues, and about twelve unnecessary over-the-counter remedies, taking your temperature each hour, googling how far away the nearest hospital is.

Does a dramatic reading of your text arguments (after you’ve made up) in silly voices to make you laugh.

Becomes unreasonably attached to a stuffed animal you win at a carnival, naming it and treating it like part of the family.

Casually drops ‘fun facts’ into everyday conversations, like, “Did you know that wombat poop is cube-shaped due to their unique digestive system?”—then gets defensive when you tell him you’re trying to eat. .

Insists on celebrating obscure holidays like National Pizza Day or World UFO Day with themed activities and matching outfits.

Attempts to learn a new hobby with you, but ends up making a mess (e.g., flour everywhere during a bread-making attempt).

Gets competitive during board games, accusing you of cheating in the most ridiculous ways, like “You rolled the dice too confidently.”

Leaves you voice notes of him narrating his day in the style of a nature documentary, with commentary like, “Here we see Arthur in his natural habitat: the kitchen, scavenging for snacks.”

Takes you stargazing, only to completely forget the picnic blanket but makes up for it by knowing the scientific names for constellations and the mythology behind them.

[coldwind-shiningstars]

I often find myself casually mentioning something I do to accomodate my disability that I think is too "simple" to mention, but I forget how much time and effort I put into adapting my life! So, in case anyone else finds it useful, small disability tips that may be obvious but may also be helpful (feel free to add on!):

> baby food pouches for fruits/vegetables that are easy to make and easier to digest than other forms. usually when I say this people go "ew!" but they're honestly just like different flavors of applesauce

> shower chair! Preferably one with a back. even if you think you don't need a shower chair they're useful even if youve just had a long day, and I've also heard useful to shave your legs. backs on chairs I have personally found super helpful, I lose my balance without a back when I close my eyes

> speaking of showers, I have a horizontal grab bar that I face and rest my arms on to shampoo and conditioner my hair. this helps a lot with arm fatigue

> if you have POTS or acid reflux, try propping up the head of your bed slightly. you can get bed raisers that do this!

> ask your doctors to email you your appointments with a link to click to add them to your calendar. personally I have a lot of trouble with brain issues where I make copying errors and the link helps a Lot

> wedge pillows to lean back on, and a pillow under your arms to rest them on to hold a book, your phone, or your knitting!

> you can get a desk that rolls over your bed, which can be much more stable than a lap desk (you may have seen these in hospitals, but they're available for homes, too!) I actually like to take a legged lap desk and put it on top of the rolling desk, and put my keyboard under the lap desk and my laptop on top

> ergonomic mouse, even if you think you don't have wrist issues. you can always develop wrist issues if you're online a lot

> if you have sensitive skin issues, allergies, MCAS, or things like that, the So Sensitive spreadsheet is pretty useful! Some categories don't have many products listed but you can add ones you find useful too. Find it here

[rhq2744]

Urgent!!

Vertified by @el-shab-hussin , @nabulsi ,,, Num.221 on the list :

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1yYkNp5U3ANwILl2MknJi9G7ArY4uVTEEQ1CVfzR8Ioo/htmlview

See below 👇👇

Hello, I am Raghad Qanou, a second-level medical student in Gaza, or I was. For a year, we have been suffering from genocide. I, my family, and my people have been exposed to it. Many crimes have occurred. We have seen a lot and are still seeing. I have lost my loved ones, my friends, my home, my university, and my entire future. We are trying hard to cling to life and survive! We have been clinging to life for a year, but we are tired, and we need help. We are very tired.We feel that we are alone now. We cannot find our daily food. We have lost our money, our jobs, our home, and everything. We have lost our life savings, on rubble, tents, and primitive life. Although it is primitive, it is expensive. In light of the siege and famine we are experiencing, there is no food or... Water or medicine, and if it is available, the prices are crazy. My family and I live in tents. Since last November, we have been living next to a public toilet with a destroyed sewage system. Can you live next to the sewage for one day? Me, my family and my younger brothers, we live hereAlmost a year ago, we haven't gotten used to it yet! We are not accustomed to the ugly sight of filth and excrement covering the oven on which we cook, nor are we accustomed to the insects and worms that feed on us all night, nor are we accustomed to the reproductive system diseases that we suffer from this polluted toilet, which we are forced to enter. It is also a mixed bathroom, there is no privacy. There is no respect for us as girls. We are subjected to terrible harassment and disrespect, and we suffer from many, many reproductive, digestive, and skin diseases, in addition to respiratory, due to the fire.

To cook food, that is, if there is any food. My brothers and I are very sick. We suffer from hepatitis. It is like an epidemic here. Everyone has yellow eyes, exhausted and tired. It is as if we were zombies. We are all lying on the ground, unable to do anything. It is heartbreaking the state we have reached. To him, and to see your world collapsing, and you do not know what the solution is, what is the way to end this nightmare, there is no way out, except this link,

Please, even if just a little, try to help us. It hurts me very much to see my family, especially my beloved brother, in this condition. He is thinking of committing suicide. The children here are crying and banging their heads against the wall from the force of the shocks they are exposed to, and from their regret for their childhood that was lost in the sewers and displacement. This is painful. I think I'm big, I can handle a little bit.

But please, for the sake of these children, donate what you can. If you do not have the money, post the link. Everything makes a difference in our situation, and remember, the little you have means a lot to us, and it may save the life of an entire family somewhere, so do not hesitate!

The verification :

[soupiestzilla]

OH OH, EAT ME! ME NEXT

also, could you perhaps tell us a bit about the representatives for each god? (*cough* Specifically Cosmo *cough*)

-Cosmo Content Enjoyer Anon

ahahahahhahaha GRABS YOU

ive been awaiting this question....go my representative lore go (you will get your cosmo fret not)(oh)(ya probably)(taste like)(the 59th seat in the middle of an airplane but only when its reclined)

Anywho

Firstly, another anon asked, so lemme tell ya why representatives exist in the first place:

The gods here are absolute and unchanging yk

They embody perfect domains — like pure logic, memory, empathy, time, or life/death — and these domains never shift or adapt, because they are fundamentally fixed.

They cant adjust to the messy, unpredictable emotions and contradictions inside of toons minds

Toons don’t think or feel in absolutes — they need nuance, context, and shades of gray to survive and grow

...Sooooooo reps exist as dynamic intermediaries!

They take the gods’ fixed truths and reshape them into forms the toons can understand, process, and live by

The reps are alive in the flux of toon experience — they listen, empathize, interpret, and sometimes soften or bend the divine message to fit into normal ppl society lol

Now, talking abt the actual reps!

Vee’s Representative: Brightney

(Basically Sweet Librarian Who’s Always Judging Your Life Choices Quietly)

Brightney’s job is to take Vee’s cold and hard truths about logic and precision---which come out sounding like “Your feelings are irrelevant”---- and turn them into “Hey, you did great, and also maybe don’t cry over that spreadsheet”

She spends a suspicious amount of time shelving books and whispering “This is exactly how it should be” but secretly she’s the only one who can make Vee’s brutal honesty feel like a warm hug (or at least a firm pat on the back lol)

Blessing: Razor-sharp critical thinking- smart gal

Curse: Emotional distance so deep she could teach a seminar on how to avoid feelings and think nothing of it

Basically: Brightney will judge you silently if you fold a book spine or put a cup on the wrong coaster but it will always be in good will guys

Shelly’s Representative: Tisha

(Basically strict Mom-Friend Who Remembers That One Time You Lied About Being Sick)

Tisha’s in charge of translating Shelly’s eternal memory and mournful presence into something toons can survive, without drowning in existential dread basically

She’s essentially the cosmic “No, you can’t remember every embarrassing thing you’ve done forever, stop it"

......She’s strict but loving - she keeps the grief from crushing people , hip hip hooray

Blessing: Remembers everything — every detail, every name, every face

Curse: Carrying all that mourning makes her feel like she’s lugging a cosmic emotional backpack filled with rocks, poor gal

Basically: If you try to forget your mistakes, she’ll gently remind you with a raised eyebrow and a “Really?” and pat you through a breakdown

Sprout’s Representative: Cosmo

(Basically Baker Who’s Always Offering Cookies (and Emotional Support))

Cosmo’s the warm and chill soul who turns Sprout’s vast empathy into something sweet and digestible — like a perfectly frosted cupcake with a side of “It’s okay, you’re gonna be fine”

He’s the person you call when you want to cry on a shoulder but not make it deep- His blessing lets him heal emotional wounds like a pro, but the curse means he feels everything too much… including your weird kitchen arguments and that time you almost texted your ex best friend probably

Blessing: Can heal emotional pain and make people feel genuinely understood

Curse: Absorbs all that emotional energy, which sometimes leads to him sobbing in the bakery over someone else’s bad day

Basically: Will help you through all your worries- that one friend that genuinely just makes you think "wow, what a good friend :)" , guy who will secretly let you cry and offer you a cupcake for rehydration (emotionally)

Astros representative: no one (who wants to deal with this guy??)

Astro doesn’t have a rep because, frankly, he’s too scary and too fed up with everything

He’s seen all possible futures -- spoiler alert: none of them are great -- and decided people just need to deal with their own mess

He talks mostly in cryptic riddles and sighs heavy enough to disrupt the space-time continuum ok

His “blessing” is the ability to see the future, and his “curse” is the soul-crushing knowledge that you’re all doomed anyway

Basically, if you try to reach out to Astro for help, he’ll just give you a long, dramatic stare and then disappear into a dream you'll never remember

(Bonus dialogue my friend and i came up with for astro to give you a feel of what he's like directly with no rep lol)

[Appears in a dream. You’re crying floating in space] ....“Oh. This timeline again.”

“I foresaw your failure 14 years ago. Weak."

“You thought I’d give you advice?? I don’t even answer my own prayers."

“You’ll survive. Unfortunately”

(Very much directed to rodger)(guy is no.1 astro follower in this au)(astro is not ammused)

Dandys representative : Himself (dandys world)(badum tsh)

Dandy rep’s himself because he lives for the spotlight. He’s extravagant, fancy, and very serious about the whole life/death thing

His blessing is control over life’s beginning and end, but his curse is that he never gets to relax — death waits for no one, and neither does his schedule

He’s the god who shows up at funerals wearing a velvet suit and a monocle for no reason man

Porbably hands out roses and cryptic life advice like he’s hosting a twisted game show called “How Long Have You Got Left?”

Anywhos

Go reps go

[wannab-urs]

Pedro Pascal Character Fic Recs | Vol 46

AO3 | Kofi | Main Masterlist | The Spreadsheet Masterlist

Dave York

Pitch Black - Dave series by @whataperfectwasteoftime

Dave York is a DIA operative by day, and a contract killer by night. When he has a chance encounter with an innocent bystander on the stairs and chooses to save her from a band of rival mercenaries, will he be able to stop himself from getting too involved?

Gun mention, references to murder, blood, mercenaries, implied violence, oral sex (f receiving), fingering, unprotected PIV sex (they did have the talk but it was AFTER and pls don’t do that)

Under False Pretenses - Dave series by @joelalorian

A challenging mission, whirlwind marriage, and an unexpected yet captivating stepdaughter push Dave York to the brink as secrets, feelings, and loyalties collide.

Stepdad trope. Unspecified age gap but I imagine a lil' baby one of about 5 to 10 years. Soft, yet sexy and intense Dave, several twists, Russian spy ring causing trouble, action, angst, deception, fluff, humor, a puppy(!), a variety of SMUT. Mentions of cancer and being a widower. No use of y/n. Dave will give reader a nickname based on his perception of her. First handful of chapters are a slow burn, then it's game on! Individual chapters will have specific warnings when applicable.

Yes Ma'am - Dave one shot by @sizzlingcloudmentality

life goes sideways and Dave is close to snapping. he needs professional help. aka let himself be dominated and be at the receiving end for once. good thing he has your number.

sub-ish!Dave (how sub can a born dom be?), dominatrix!reader, no use of y/n, reader is able-bodied, Dave is a good husband and father™️, Molly throwing up, slight humiliation (the boy being called dummy <3), slight ball torture, (guided) masturbation (m), finger sucking, petnames (ma'am, good boy, love), cum eating, slight shoe worship, dick+pussy pronouns, reader wears lipstick, nail polish and stilettos, squint and you miss unprotected PinV

Dave/Others

Looking - Marcus P/Dave one shot by @mothandpidgeon

Although you're married, Marcus Pike takes you up on your proposition. Your husband, Dave, doesn't mind if you sleep with other men...if he can watch.

voyeurism, oral sex, (highly unadvisable) unprotected sex, cum play, threesome, spanking

Dieter Bravo

Movin' in a technicolor beat - Dieter one shot by @quinnnfabrgay-writes

Dieter comes in your mouth. You come in his. You make out. That's the plot.

straight up smut, oral (both), fingering, gratuitous cum worship, cum play

Din Djarin

Prisoner - Din series by @almostempty

this time our fav bounty hunter is the bounty and you're on a mission to capture him and claim your reward

my interpretation of pre-canon younger din djarin aka as they said in the 1991 action/thriller classic Point Break he's "young, dumb, and full of cum" aka moody reckless and virile din, some canon typical violence, one (1) tranquilizer injected by needle, dirty talkin' din, bulge riding, opposite of a virgin kink if u squint? mayhaps a filthy whore kink? (dubcon to come in part two bc of course i would, sub!din djarin will also be coming in part two)

Din/Others

Breaking Down Walls Din/Dio one shot by @crowandmousewritingco (mouse)

Dio doesn't lose fights, but what happens when he does.

dio gets his ass beat, emotions, fluff

At his side (in his bed) - Din/Paz one shot by @hauntedhowlett

They call you the whore of Mandalore. Nothing more than the woman at side of the ruler of New Mandalore, Din Djarin, a pretty little prize that he likes to share with with his General Commander, Paz Vizsla. Mandalorians have always been good at keeping their secrets.

explicit language, writer considers din his first name, alternate universe - Mand’alor din djarin, use of Mando’a, threesome (MFM), degradation kink, pet names (sweet AND derogatory), explicit breeding kink, spitroasting, unprotected p in v, oral sex (m&f receiving), come play, semi-public sex, dom/sub undertones, bratty reader, fingering, no plot just smut.

Frankie Morales

She comes first - Frankie series by @just-here-for-the-moment

You're on the hunt for a man to dom and you come across Frankie

Femdom; Frankie is brand new to SSC (safe/sane/consensual) BDSM; characters drink alcohol; curse words and vulgar language (all the good stuff you expect from one of my smutfics); eventual smut; lots and lots and lots of talking about BDSM limits (but I tried to make it hot).

Frankie/Others

Non-standard Issue - Frankie/Ezra one shot by @bonezone44

Ezra and Frankie stay behind while the other Triple Frontier boys go out.

D/s, bondage, lacy undies, oral (m), lovingly degrading dirty talk (Ezra is a mess)

Javier Peña

A New Year's Distraction - Javi P one shot by @lotusbxtch

Javi doesn't realize that you've got a surprise waiting for him at home.

PWP let’s be real lol, secret established relationship, foul language, (1) suggestive note, mentions of food and alcohol, foodplay, consumption of alcohol, mention of masturbation, brief masturbation, brief sex toy usage, spitting, squirting, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected PIV sex (wrap it up people), creampie, (1) pussy slap, Spanish nicknames and phrases, (1) use of the word 'slut' (but Reader is into it)

Without a Reward - Javi P one shot by @pedgito

Javier's a creature of habit, a man of opportunity, and you were unlucky enough to find him when he's at his most desperate.

informant!reader, set through beginning of season 3 narcos to end, angst, smut, involvement with the cali cartel, paying for info and sex, javier's a gentleman i swear, gratuitous smut, jealous!javi, protected/unprotected piv, creampies, oral (f receiving), some vague violence toward the end, happy ending

Javi P/Others

Baby, I'm-a Want You - Javi/Joel series by @pertovar

javier peña has been doing this a long time. he's really good at his job. joel miller? not so much. he started doing this to get some extra cash to support his daughters. what happens when they're supposed to do a scene together? aka, the au where javier and joel are gay porn stars~

unprotected p in a, oral, fingering, ass eating, use of plugs, gay terminology (bear, twink, etc), handjobs, blowjobs, swearing, smoking

Joel Miller

My paramour, my evermore - Joel one shot by @schnarfer

Joel Miller is the loss of your life

Knights and Kings AU, sort of GOT adjacent but no dragons, VERY heavy on the angst, infidelity (reader is married & there are mentions of her children), grown up Sarah, allusion to smut, Joel miller’s filthy mouth, mentions of death, so much longing, a kiss. Always fleabag coded.

Teacher's Pet - Joel one shot by @javiscigarette

25 years old, anxiety-ridden, and still a virgin, you ask your friend Joel for advice on your upcoming date. But you're more of a...hands-on learner. And he's more than happy to help.

PWP, unbalanced power dynamics, virgin!reader, neighbor/bff/more experienced! Joel, age gap, first kiss, virginity loss, fingering, oral (f receiving), frequent check-ins, soo much banter and Joel is a menace also so soft and sweet

That's the way road dogs do it - Joel series by @joelsdagger

on a night out with friends, you run into someone from your past.

[no-outbreak au], big girthy age gap [reader is in her 20’s, joel is 50’s], alcohol consumption, allusions to cheating [not by joel or reader], no sarah or ellie but joel has a son, joel has tattoos and is a biker, pet names [darlin’, baby, kiddo], sexualization of the term kiddo [from the deepest darkest pits of my soul…idfc], a little bit of humiliation, panty sniffing, a teensy bit of fingering, a little manhandling, pervy!joel [he’s also a little fucked up and really unhinged but so am i so whateva], pussy pronouns, dirty talk [umm it gets weird lol], daddy kink, degradation, semi-public sex, rough unprotected p in v sex, mirror sex, hair pulling, dubcon [joel takes pictures of her that she doesn’t verbally consent to], smidgen of angst [ofc bc it’s me], creampie, body marking/writing [use of a pen], soft!joel, reader wears a skirt, has hair, wears makeup, and has two tattoos that are described within the story

BDSMaid - Joel series @mountainsandmayhem

After recently graduating from university, your best friend offers you a job cleaning luxury homes for clients you’ll never know. It’s only temporary and a good way to save money for when you go back to get your law degree. That’s what you’re promised at least. Easy. Simple. Mundane. That is, until one of your clients is home and everything that you felt was missing in your life starts to fall into place. This goes against the NDA you signed and you could get fired. Or worse, you could fall in love.

In order to avoid spoilers I will not be warning you of everything. This story will contain sexually explicit material around the world of BDSM. Please remember that even with the age gap between Joel and Reader, they are both legal and consenting adults. Note: Reader is fully described to be a small white girl with freckles, but she is unnamed and the story is in second person. It's worth the read even if you don't fit that description, IMO

[nanamineedstherapy]

We Broke the NDA but Made It Fashion

F!Pregnant Reader x Gojo Satoru x Nanami Kento

Previous Oneshot Chapter [Tumblr/Ao3] | Main Series [Tumblr/Ao3]

A/N: Welcome to the inner sanctum of emotional damage, where NDAs are airtight, therapy is mandatory, and no antique furniture will ever be the same. Please take a Roomba™-branded panic button on your way in.

🕯️ THE DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE DIGEST - Q11

For when you love your job but fear your employers’ sex life more than God.

About: The anonymous (and extremely unofficial) quarterly newsletter authored by the estate staff of the trillionaire CEO and her husbands: one emotionally suppressed COO (Nanami-san), one bisexual disaster of biblical proportions (Gojo-sama), and one very, very dangerous wife with a God complex and an unlimited budget.

This issue is brought to you by:

The Roomba Cam™ (patent pending)

Nanami-san's broken glasses fund

The therapy stipend all of us now use to talk about That One Summer Retreat

📅 Q1 Report—April’s For Assplay and Asset Protection:

✦ Dept. of Estate Observations (Unedited Logs)

April 4th, 3:47PM

Location: South Garden Trellis, behind the camellias

Employee SD: I thought he was lecturing us about irrigation, and then I looked up and his wife was straddling Gojo-sama in the patio chaise like some Hellenic fertility idol while Nanami-san tried to maintain eye contact with the hydrangeas.

Employee DK: He said, 'Trim back the wild growth,' and I thought he meant the plants. Turns out—he meant Gojo-sama.

April 10th, 2:03AM

Location: Audio feed from Sauna Room #3, captured accidentally by cloud-connected AI-powered aromatherapy machine (R&D initiative gone rogue)

Gojo-sama (whimpering, then laughing): C’mon, Nanamin, don’t act brand new. I saw you in the harness drawer last week.

Nanami-san (deadpan, but not unaroused): That was for research.

Wife-san (cheerful, dangerous): And what did you conclude, baby?

Nanami-san (after 5-second pause): …That I am more flexible than previously reported.

[Indistinct sounds. Possible thwack. Definitely Gojo-sama giggling.]

🪑 Furniture Casualties This Quarter:

1 Yves Saint Laurent barstool (splintered during “brunch experimentation”)

2 antique Japanese shoji screens (Gojo-sama tripped while blindfolded and “enthusiastic.”)

Nanami-san’s desk (Again. But now with reinforced titanium corners. The contractor just stopped asking questions.)

🗣️ Employee Submissions—Shit We’ve Heard, Shit We Can’t Un-hear:

Employee RK: I went to restock the banned books section and found a literal spreadsheet of who's taken which strap. It had color-coded performance ratings. Nanami-san's column was mostly green. Gojo-sama’s had emojis. Wife-san’s had timestamps and tactical breakdowns.

Employee JK (Yoga): He asked me if pelvic tilt exercises could help with ‘internal alignment,’ and I said sure because I thought he meant his back. Later I found out he meant his prostate. I haven’t looked him in the eye since.

Employee AL: I walked in on Wife-san telling Nanami-san he looked ‘tighter than corporate tax law,’ and now I need bleach for my frontal lobe.

🛠️ Logistics Notes:

Gojo-sama and Nanami-san now both take turns getting wrecked. Staff consensus is this was implemented after the infamous ‘Equality in Erotica’ dinner speech, delivered by the wife-san in red silk and a revenge eyeliner look that scared the raccoon into the dumbwaiter.

Nanami-san is not just the dom anymore. Repeat: not just the dom.

One assistant chef reported hearing, “Take it like a stock portfolio you forgot to diversify.”

We think it was Gojo-sama. We hope it was Gojo-sama.

Staff were offered optional overtime to replace shattered crystal drawer handles in the bedroom. The butler refused. “I’m not touching anything that’s been inside Nanami-san’s ass,” he said. “I draw the line at gloved contact.”

🧾 Final Staff Poll (Q2):

“Who do you think is most unhinged in the bedroom?”

Wife-san: 76% (Made Gojo-sama cry from overstimulation and then gave him a Cartier bracelet for surviving.)

Gojo-sama: 14% (Once asked if he could “rawdog cursed energy” during a roleplay.)

Nanami-san: 10% (Quiet, deadly, somewhere between stoic and a slut. Betrayed by his own thighs.)

🐾 Takahashi’s Corner:

Rode the Roomba into a scene mid-thrust and made eye contact with Nanami-san, who left Gojo-sama mid-stroke to apologize to Takahashi.

Hasn’t blinked since. Might be a god now.

Wife-san is furious and hand-feeding her prince.

Reminder: You signed an NDA, and you’re paid too well to quit.

Also, next month’s yoga retreat is at the Maldives annex estate.

There will be soundproof walls.

Until next time, stay hydrated, stay hot, and stay three rooms away from the east study after 10 PM.

---

A/N: If you laughed, winced, or considered unionizing with Takahashi the Raccoon, leave a comment. Otherwise, will hand-deliver a spreadsheet tracking your emotional instability—and Gojo will live-tweet it. (P.S. Yes, the haunted sex mirror is canon. No, you are not ready.)

Previous Oneshot Chapter [Tumblr/Ao3] | Main Series [Tumblr/Ao3]

Next Chapter The Holy Trinity of Chaos, Capitalism, & Cunnilingus - [Tumblr/Ao3]

All Works Masterlist

Beta - @blackrimmedrose

[ladyeckland28]

The Feet Of Hannah Tingle

A Comedy horror by Lady Eckland and Ms Darkwood

Pendleton & Sons: Where Souls Go To Staple

The fluorescent lights of Pendleton & Sons Document Solutions hummed a dirge for ambition. Grey cubicles stretched towards a perpetually overcast window, each containing a soul slowly dissolving into the beige monotony. In one such cubicle sat Charlotte Eckland, mouse hovering over a spreadsheet cell containing a number so meaningless it might as well have been ancient Sumerian. Her shoulders slumped, mirroring the wilting pot plant beside her monitor – a leaving gift from Brenda in Accounts two years ago, now clinging to life with grim determination.

To her left, Yin Darkwood was deep-diving into the internet's murky depths. Her screen wasn't filled with pivot tables, but with grainy JPEGs of supposed UFO sightings and forums debating the reptilian nature of the Royal Family. Yin wasn't just bored; she was existentially suspicious. Everything was a potential conspiracy, from the suspiciously uniform shape of digestive biscuits to the way pigeons always seemed to be watching.

Across the aisle, Glennis Riley nervously adjusted his spectacles, polishing the lenses for the third time that hour with a small microfiber cloth he kept in his top pocket. Glennis existed in a state of perpetual low-grade anxiety, amplified by Yin’s constant stream of paranoia. He was attempting to reconcile expense reports, occasionally sighing deeply and running a hand through his thinning hair. His desk was impeccably tidy, in stark contrast to the controlled chaos surrounding Yin.

Their lives were a triptych of drabness: lukewarm tea, printer jams, pointless meetings about synergy, and the crushing weight of another Wednesday (as it was today, April 2nd, 2025) that felt exactly like Tuesday, which felt exactly like Friday. Escape, as always, came through the glowing portals in their pockets and on their desks. YouTube was their preferred anaesthetic.

Charlotte, seeking distraction, typed random words into the search bar. "Soft..." "Cozy..." "Relaxing..." The algorithm, in its infinite and often disturbing wisdom, offered up a thumbnail that caught her eye: perfectly formed, immaculate bare feet resting on a plush velvet cushion. The channel title: Hannah's Sexy Feet.

Intrigued, slightly baffled, Charlotte clicked.

The video opened on the aforementioned feet. They were elegantly shaped, the toenails painted a demure rose pink. A voice, smooth as silk and undeniably feminine, began to speak. "Hello, my little foot fanciers," it purred. "Hannah here, ready to share a little slice of heaven with you."

The camera panned up slightly, showing Hannah Tingle from the shins down, lounging on what looked like an incredibly expensive chaise longue. She wore silk pyjamas. She picked up one foot, cradling it gently. "Feel how soft they are?" she whispered, stroking her own arch. "Like warm velvet. I moisturise them three times a day with my own special blend... organic shea butter, a hint of lavender, and... well, a girl's gotta have some secrets, hasn't she?"

Charlotte felt a strange warmth spread through her chest. It was oddly mesmerising. Hannah continued, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "Imagine these tracing patterns on your skin... gently... teasingly." She flexed her toes. "Or perhaps," she brought her foot closer to the camera, tilting her head just out of shot, "you want to know what they smell like?" A delicate sniff. "Clean linen, a touch of rosewater... and something else. Something... intimate."

Charlotte swallowed, her mouse hand frozen. This was... unexpected. And undeniably doing something to her. Over the next few days, Pendleton & Sons faded further into the background. Charlotte devoured Hannah’s back catalogue. There were videos of Hannah walking barefoot on grass, wiggling her toes in sand, even suggestively crushing ripe berries underfoot. The comments section was a bizarre mix of breathless adoration and outright creepiness, but Charlotte found herself adding her own, anonymised appreciations. 'Amazing!' 'So beautiful!'

She started DMing the channel, expecting no reply. To her shock, 'Hannah' replied almost instantly. The messages started innocently, discussing foot care routines (Charlotte suddenly developed a keen interest), but quickly shifted. Hannah was flirtatious, complimentary, and seemed genuinely interested in Charlotte.

Hannah's Sexy Feet: 'Your comments always make me smile, lovely. You seem to truly appreciate the artistry 😉'

Char_Eck: 'They're just... captivating. You have a way of describing them.'

Hannah's Sexy Feet: 'Perhaps I could describe them to you in person sometime? 😉🦶'

Charlotte’s heart hammered against her ribs. A date? With Hannah Tingle? The foot goddess of YouTube?

"She asked me out," Charlotte breathed, staring at her phone during their designated fifteen-minute afternoon break.

Yin, who had been explaining how contrails were actually nano-particle delivery systems for mind-control agents, paused mid-sentence. "Who asked you out?"

"Hannah. You know, from that YouTube channel?"

Yin’s eyes narrowed. Glennis, who had been meticulously arranging his pens, dropped a ballpoint with a clatter. He bent to retrieve it, his face flushed.

"Hannah Tingle?" Yin hissed, leaning closer. "Charlotte, no! Have you not been listening to anything I've told you?"

"What are you talking about?" Charlotte frowned. "She's lovely. And very... descriptive."

"Descriptive?" Yin scoffed. "Charlotte, she's a prime candidate! Think about it! The perfect features, the weirdly specific obsession, the anonymity – she never shows her face! It's classic infiltration technique!"

"What infiltration?" Charlotte asked, exasperated. "She just really likes her feet!"

"Or," Yin lowered her voice dramatically, "they're not her feet. It's a disguise, Charlotte! There are forums dedicated to it. People think she's part of the Xylar Collective – bio-mimetic scouts sent to assess planetary weaknesses!"

Glennis, having retrieved his pen, nodded nervously, adjusting his tie. "They say they probe... sensitive areas, Yin! For weaknesses! Frightfully invasive, if you ask me!"

Charlotte rolled her eyes. "Oh, for goodness sake. It's just a foot fetish channel! It's a bit weird, maybe, but she's not an alien!"

"How do you know?" Yin pressed. "Have you seen her face? Has she mentioned family? Does she ever talk about, I don't know, tax returns?"

"We mostly talk about feet," Charlotte admitted, flushing slightly.

"Exactly!" Yin slammed her hand on the desk, making Glennis jump and clutch his chest. "It's textbook diversion! Focusing on one insignificant detail to distract from the larger deception! Charlotte, promise me you won't go."

"I am going," Charlotte said firmly. "It's just drinks at The Soggy Otter. What's the worst that could happen? She tries to give me a foot massage?" A part of her wouldn't entirely mind that.

Yin looked desperate. "Okay, okay. Go on the date. Fine. But," she leaned in, her eyes gleaming with a terrifyingly practical sort of madness, "after the date... we grab her."

Charlotte stared. "You want to... kidnap her?"

"It's an intervention!" Yin insisted. "A citizen's investigation! We take her back to mine, restrain her – gently, obviously – and we get the truth out of her. For your own safety! And potentially, the safety of the planet!"

Glennis wrung his hands, forgetting his pen momentarily. "Oh dear. Kidnapping? Are you quite sure about the legal ramifications, Yin? It sounds awfully... actionable."

"It's fine, Glennis, it's for the greater good," Yin waved a dismissive hand. "Think of it as a... surprise wellness check. We just need to be sure she's not a Xylarian foot-probe."

Charlotte laughed, despite herself. "You're insane. Absolutely not."

But Yin was persistent. Over the next two days, she bombarded Charlotte with 'evidence': blurry photos allegedly showing strange reflections in Hannah’s toenails, audio analysis 'proving' her voice had subsonic frequencies common in reptilian species, complex diagrams linking foot-related YouTube channels to known alien abduction hotspots. Glennis added worried affirmations, forwarding articles about people who vanished after meeting strangers online, often muttering things like "One really can't be too careful these days."

By the time the date rolled around, Charlotte was still determined to go, but a sliver of doubt, nurtured by Yin’s relentless paranoia and Glennis’s fussy anxiety, had taken root. The kidnapping plan, initially ludicrous, now seemed... almost prudent? In a completely deranged way.

"Fine," Charlotte sighed, the night before the date. "We do it your way. After the date. If she seems even slightly weird... or tries to probe me with her toes... we bundle her into your car. But if she's normal, you owe me fifty quid and you have to stop talking about aliens for a month."

Yin grinned triumphantly. "Deal. Glennis, get the duct tape."

Glennis swallowed hard. "The... heavy-duty parcel tape from Stationery? Will that suffice?"

"It'll have to."

Ankles, Ales, and Abduction

The Soggy Otter was exactly as charming as its name suggested. Sticky tables, the faint aroma of stale beer and regret, and lighting dim enough to hide a multitude of sins, or perhaps, an alien disguise. Charlotte, wearing her best (and only) non-work blouse, nervously scanned the patrons.

Then she saw her. Seated in a corner booth, bathed in the amber glow of a faux-Victorian lamp, was Hannah Tingle. Or at least, the top half of her. And she was stunning. Flowing chestnut hair, high cheekbones, warm eyes, and a smile that could melt glaciers. She looked disarmingly, disappointingly normal. And human.

"Charlotte?" Hannah’s voice was even smoother in person, less breathy than on YouTube, but just as captivating.

"Hannah? Hi." Charlotte slid into the booth, her palms sweating. "You look... different from your videos."

Hannah laughed, a musical sound. "Well, you usually only see me from the shins down. I thought it best to bring the rest of me tonight." She gestured to her feet, tucked demurely under the table in elegant, low-heeled shoes. "Though they're here too, of course. Wouldn't want to disappoint."

Charlotte blushed. "Right. Of course."

The conversation flowed surprisingly easily. Hannah was witty, intelligent, and asked thoughtful questions about Charlotte’s life, managing to make even Pendleton & Sons sound vaguely interesting. She spoke of her 'online content creation' as a form of performance art, exploring themes of sensuality and intimacy in unexpected ways. There was no mention of Xylar Collectives or planetary weaknesses. She even complained about the unseasonably damp April weather in Nantwich.

Charlotte felt a wave of relief wash over her, quickly followed by annoyance at Yin. She was just a woman. A beautiful, charming woman with a foot fetish niche.

"So," Hannah leaned forward slightly, her eyes sparkling, "tell me, Charlotte. What is it about feet that fascinates you?"

Before Charlotte could formulate an answer that didn't sound completely mortifying, Hannah subtly slipped off one shoe beneath the table. Charlotte caught a glimpse of a perfectly pedicured bare foot resting on the worn carpet. Hannah’s toes gave a tiny, almost imperceptible wiggle.

"Is it the vulnerability?" Hannah mused, her voice dropping slightly. "The way they carry us through the world, yet are so often hidden? Or is it just... the shape? The softness?" Her foot brushed lightly against Charlotte’s ankle under the table.

Charlotte froze. It wasn't aggressive, wasn't probe-like, but it was definitely... intentional. And incredibly effective. That familiar warmth spread through her again, stronger this time. Okay, maybe she wasn't entirely normal. But alien?

They talked for another hour. Hannah was captivating. Charlotte found herself laughing, sharing stories, feeling more seen than she had in years. The foot under the table remained a tantalising, static presence against her leg. When Hannah suggested they get some air, Charlotte readily agreed, momentarily forgetting the ludicrous plan she’d half-heartedly signed up for.

Outside, the night air was cool. They stood awkwardly for a moment under a flickering streetlamp.

"I had a really lovely time, Charlotte," Hannah said softly.

"Me too," Charlotte replied, meaning it. All thoughts of conspiracies had evaporated.

Suddenly, a battered Vauxhall Corsa screeched to a halt beside them. The back doors flew open.

"Now!" Yin yelled from the driver's seat, her face grimly determined.

Glennis tumbled out of the passenger side, looking pale and flustered, clutching the roll of parcel tape as if it were a life raft. "Right then! Prepare for... intervention!" he announced, his voice cracking slightly.

"What the-?" Hannah started, turning in confusion.

Charlotte’s mind raced. Oh god, they're actually doing it. Part of her screamed No!, but the seed of doubt Yin had planted, combined with the sheer momentum of the situation (and maybe a tiny, traitorous flicker of curiosity) made her hesitate for a fatal second.

Glennis, despite his nervousness, made a surprisingly decisive, if awkward, move towards Hannah, holding the tape out. "No sudden moves, please!" Yin, abandoning the wheel, darted around and grabbed Hannah’s arms from behind.

"Get her in!" Yin grunted.

Hannah struggled, bewildered. "Charlotte? What is this? Who are these people?"

"It's... an intervention?" Charlotte stammered, feeling utterly ridiculous as she lamely helped Yin push a protesting Hannah towards the open car door. "A wellness check?"

"Get off me!" Hannah yelped, but she was surprisingly easy to manoeuvre. It was almost too easy. Between Yin's surprising strength and Glennis's slightly panicked attempts to assist ("Careful now! Watch the door frame!"), they bundled her into the back seat. Charlotte scrambled in after her. Glennis hurried back into the passenger seat, fumbling with the tape roll.

"Drive, Yin, drive!" Glennis urged, adjusting his skewed glasses as Yin slammed the driver's door shut and peeled away from the kerb, leaving The Soggy Otter and Charlotte’s dignity far behind.

In the back seat, Hannah stared at Charlotte, her eyes wide with shock and betrayal. "Charlotte... why?"

Charlotte couldn't meet her gaze. "My friends... they think you're an alien." It sounded even more idiotic spoken aloud.

Hannah blinked. Then, unexpectedly, she started to laugh. It wasn't a panicked laugh, but a rich, rolling sound that filled the small car. "An alien? Is that what this is about? Because I like feet?"

Yin glanced in the rearview mirror, her expression unreadable. "We'll see who's laughing, 'Hannah Tingle'. We're taking you somewhere secure for questioning."

"Secure?" Glennis muttered nervously, trying to tear off a strip of tape with his teeth. "Yin, your flat security is hardly up to snuff. Remember that draft excluder incident?"

"It'll do, Glennis," Yin snapped. "Just... be ready with that tape."

Glennis looked doubtfully at the struggling YouTuber, then at the roll of stubborn parcel tape in his lap. This was not proceeding with optimal efficiency. Or maybe, Charlotte thought with a sinking feeling, it was going exactly according to Yin's insane plan.

The Unmasking in Flat 3B

Yin’s flat smelled faintly of damp, instant noodles, and paranoia. Conspiracy charts adorned the walls, connected by lengths of red wool. A haphazard pile of books – The Reptilian Elite, Chariots of the Gods?, Is Your Cat a Government Drone? – teetered on a coffee table. It was the perfect place for an interrogation, provided the suspect didn't mind questionable hygiene and the overwhelming sense that the truth was not only out there, but probably hiding behind the sofa cushions.

They’d manhandled Hannah onto a sturdy dining chair Yin had dragged into the centre of the living room. Glennis, after several flustered attempts involving getting tape stuck to his fingers and complaining about the lack of a proper dispenser, had managed to secure Hannah’s wrists and ankles to the chair legs with several wraps of the brown parcel tape. It looked less like restraint and more like the chair had been badly packaged for shipping. Hannah, surprisingly, hadn't fought much after the initial shock, instead watching them with an unnerving mixture of amusement and curiosity.

Charlotte hovered awkwardly by the doorway, feeling like a prize idiot. "Look, Hannah, I am so sorry about this. They're... enthusiastic."

Hannah raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "Enthusiastic? Charlotte, they abducted me based on a foot fetish and some internet rumours." She tested her bonds slightly. They held, but didn't look particularly robust.

Yin planted herself in front of the chair, adopting what she clearly thought was an intimidating interrogator stance. It mostly made her look like she needed the loo. "Alright, 'Hannah Tingle', or whatever your designation is. The game's up. We know what you are."

Hannah sighed dramatically. "Do you? Because right now, I feel like a slightly bewildered YouTuber trussed up in a flat that smells like conspiracy theories and despair. What exactly do you think I am?"

"A Xylarian!" Yin declared. "A bio-mimetic scout! Sent here to assess vulnerabilities via... podiatric manipulation!"

Hannah blinked. "Podiatric manipulation?" She looked down at her bound feet, still clad in their elegant shoes. "You think I'm trying to take over the world... with my feet?"

"It's a viable infiltration strategy!" Yin insisted. "Lulling targets into a false sense of security through sensual distraction!"

Glennis nodded quickly from beside Yin, nervously clearing his throat. "They say you find the ticklish spots! To map our nervous systems! Most irregular!"

Hannah threw her head back and laughed again, that same rich, rolling sound. "Oh, this is priceless. You genuinely believe this."

"Stop trying to distract us with your human-like mirth!" Yin snapped. "Confess! What is your mission? Who sent you? And are those feet even real?"

Hannah stopped laughing, her expression shifting. A strange stillness came over her. She looked from Yin to Glennis, then her gaze settled on Charlotte, holding it intently. The amusement was gone, replaced by something calculating, ancient, and utterly unreadable. The air in the room grew heavy.

"You want the truth?" Hannah asked, her voice losing some of its silken quality, becoming flatter, more resonant.

Yin leaned forward eagerly. "Yes! Finally!"

"You're right," Hannah said calmly. "I'm not Hannah Tingle. That's just a construct. A... convenient vessel."

Glennis gasped audibly, taking a step back. "Good heavens!" Charlotte felt a cold dread mixed with a perverse thrill. Yin was right?

"And my mission?" Hannah continued, her eyes still locked on Charlotte. "Observation. Assessment. Earth is... fascinating. So messy. So emotional. So easily... tickled." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. It wasn't Hannah's smile anymore.

"And the feet?" Yin demanded. "Are they part of the disguise?"

"The feet," Hannah said, a strange reverence entering her tone. "The feet are exquisite, aren't they? Such complex structures. So sensitive. Humans hide them away, treat them as mundane, even ugly. But they hold so many secrets, so much potential for... interaction." She flexed her toes within her shoes. Charlotte could almost feel it.

"Interaction?" Charlotte whispered, finding her voice.

Hannah's gaze softened slightly as it rested on Charlotte. "Intimacy. Sensation. Your species craves connection, touch. You focus on hands, lips... but you neglect the foundations. The parts that ground you." She paused. "Some of us appreciate them more."

Yin was practically vibrating with vindication. "I knew it! Xylarian foot probe!"

"Not Xylarian," Hannah corrected, sounding almost bored. "That's such a primitive designation. We don't have... names, like you do. We simply are." She looked back at Charlotte. "You were drawn to the 'artistry', Charlotte. You sensed something beyond the superficial."

Charlotte felt confused, scared, and strangely flattered. "What... what are you, then?"

Hannah surveyed the room, the cheap furniture, the conspiracy charts, the two humans gripped by fear and confusion, and the one utterly bewildered one. "We are explorers of sensation. Cartographers of nerve endings." A low, rhythmic clicking sound started emanating from her throat, almost like a purr, but deeper, more mechanical. "You want to see? You seem... more open than your companions." She nodded towards her own neck. "There's a seam. Just under the jawline. Very fine. Part of the bio-mimetic layering."

Yin recoiled. Glennis made a small noise of distress. "Don't touch it!" Yin hissed. "It could be a defence mechanism! Corrosive substance! Paralytic agent!"

But Hannah was looking only at Charlotte, an invitation in her unnervingly calm eyes. "Go on, Charlotte. You started this. You deserve to see what you brought into your life. What you felt a connection with."

Charlotte’s heart was pounding. Every rational thought screamed 'Run!'. Yin was right. This thing wasn't human. But another part of her, the part that had been mesmerised by the videos, the part that felt a bizarre connection to this creature, was undeniably curious. Was this the ultimate intimacy Hannah had hinted at? Seeing beneath the surface?

Slowly, hesitantly, she approached the chair. Yin and Glennis watched, frozen. Glennis looked like he might faint. Hannah remained perfectly still, only the soft clicking sound continuing. Charlotte reached out a trembling hand, her fingers brushing against the cool, smooth skin of Hannah's neck.

And there it was. A faint, almost invisible line, tracing the curve of the jaw. A seam. It felt... artificial. Like the edge of a very sophisticated mask.

"Go on," Hannah (or whatever it was) urged, the clicking becoming slightly louder.

Taking a deep breath, Charlotte hooked her fingernail under the edge. It peeled back with disturbing ease, like cheap wallpaper. Underneath wasn't flesh, but something else entirely. Pale, faintly luminous, and textured like... like smooth, damp rubber.

She pulled gently. More of the 'Hannah' skin peeled away, revealing the structure beneath. It wasn't horrifying in a gory way. It was horrifying in its utter wrongness. Too many slight, subtle curves where angles should be, a faint bioluminescence pulsing beneath the surface.

"Keep going," the creature clicked, its voice now distorted, deeper, multitimbral.

Charlotte pulled harder. The mask came away from the cheek, the nose, revealing... more. No recognisable features, just shifting, pale, rubbery flesh. And then she reached the eyes. The warm, human eyes detached with the mask, leaving behind... multifaceted, insectoid orbs, glistening blackly in the dim light.

Glennis made a choked, gagging sound and stumbled backwards, tripping over Yin’s pile of conspiracy books and landing hard on his backside. "Merciful heavens!" Yin scrambled backwards, tripping over a pile of UFO magazines.

Charlotte, holding the eerily lifelike 'Hannah' face in her hand, stared at the thing strapped to the chair. It wasn't humanoid at all beneath the neck. The torso seemed segmented, and what she had assumed were legs under the silk pyjamas... weren't. They were thinner, multi-jointed appendages, ending not in feet, but in clusters of fine, feathery tendrils that twitched slightly. And there were too many of them. Six, at least. Maybe eight.

The clicking intensified, morphing into a series of low, guttural chuckles that seemed to vibrate in Charlotte's bones. The creature flexed. The brown parcel tape, designed for cardboard boxes, not extraterrestrial explorers of sensation, strained audibly.

"You wanted to know," the creature rasped, its multifaceted eyes fixing on Charlotte. "You wanted... intimacy."

Rip. One of the wrist restraints gave way with the sound of tearing paper.

"Now," it chuckled, the sound wet and horrid. "Let's explore... your sensitive areas."

Rip. Rip. The other wrist tape tore. Then the ankles. The tendril-tipped appendages unfolded, stretching out with unnerving speed.

The Alien Tickle Monster was free.

The Tickle Chase

Panic erupted in the small flat. Glennis, still on the floor, scrambled backwards crab-style, yelling "Get away! Unhand me, you... you... tickling fiend!" Yin fumbled behind the sofa, searching for a weapon – her hand closed around a sturdy umbrella. Charlotte dropped the 'Hannah' mask, which landed face-up on the carpet, its empty eyes staring accusingly.

The creature unfolded itself from the dining chair, rising to its full, unsettling height. It was vaguely insectoid, vaguely cephalopod-like, all pale, rubbery flesh, segmented limbs, and those terrible, feathery tendrils that quivered with anticipation. It wasn't massive, maybe five and a half feet tall, but its proportions were all wrong, making it seem both fragile and deeply threatening. The clicking chuckle intensified.

"Run!" Charlotte shrieked, finally snapping out of her horrified trance.

She scrambled for the door, grabbing Glennis by the arm and hauling him unceremoniously to his feet. Yin, brandishing the umbrella like a sword, yelled, "Back, foul creature!" before realising the sheer inadequacy of her weapon and promptly turning to flee as well.

The creature moved with startling speed, its multiple limbs skittering across the floor in a way that defied normal locomotion. It wasn't chasing them aggressively, more... playfully? Its tendrils reached out, brushing against the fleeing Glennis's leg as he stumbled towards the door.

Glennis let out a noise that was half-yelp, half-giggle. "No! Stop it! Ghastly! It tickles!" He stumbled, nearly falling again, a bizarre mixture of terror and helpless laughter contorting his face as Charlotte dragged him out into the communal hallway.

"Leave it!" Yin yelled, slamming the flat door shut. They could hear frantic, multi-limbed scratching and that awful clicking chuckle from the other side.

"We can't just leave it in there!" Charlotte gasped, propping Glennis against the wall as he tried to catch his breath between horrified giggles. "Mrs. Higgins!"

"Mrs. Higgins thinks the council uses fluoride to control squirrels! She'll cope!" Yin retorted, fumbling with her keys to lock the door, which seemed utterly futile. "Stairs! Now!"

They clattered down the echoing concrete steps of the apartment block, Glennis still emitting choked giggles and gasps of "Intolerable!" and "My nerves!". The door to Yin's flat burst open above them with a crack of splintering wood. The skittering sound pursued them.

They burst out onto the street, into the relative normality of a Wednesday night in Nantwich. A few late-night dog walkers and pub-goers stared as two terrified women and one utterly flustered, giggling man sprinted past.

"Where are we going?" Glennis panted, straightening his hopelessly skewed tie even as he ran.

"Anywhere but here!" Yin gasped.

The skittering sound was closer now. Charlotte risked a glance back. The creature was loping down the street after them, its pale form almost glowing under the orange streetlights. Its feathery tendrils waved gently in the air. It looked utterly absurd, yet terrifyingly relentless.

"Split up?" Charlotte suggested breathlessly.

"No! Stick together!" Yin countermanded. "Safety protocols dictate concentration against single anomalous entities!"

They veered sharply down a narrow alleyway smelling of bins and damp brickwork, hoping to break line of sight. They emerged onto the deserted High Street. Shops were shuttered, the only signs of life the flickering neon of a takeaway kebab shop at the far end.

"The Kebab Krazy!" Yin wheezed. "Civilians! Potential witnesses! Or distractions!"

They pounded down the pavement. The skittering was right behind them. Charlotte could almost feel the feathery brush of tendrils on the back of her neck. She risked another look. The creature paused, tilting its multifaceted head, and seemed to sniff the air. It focused on a discarded political leaflet plastered to a bus stop. It reached out a tendril and gently... tickled the photograph of a local councillor. A low chuckle echoed in the night.

"It's distracted!" Charlotte hissed. "Keep going!"

They burst into the Kebab Krazy, nearly colliding with a large man attempting to balance a tray of cheesy chips and a can of dandelion and burdock. The smell of roasting meat and chili sauce filled the air. Two bored-looking teenagers manned the counter.

"Help! Alien! Dreadful tickling creature!" Glennis gasped, collapsing onto a plastic orange chair and fanning himself with his hand, finally managing to suppress the giggles into ragged breaths.

The teenagers exchanged unimpressed glances. The man with the cheesy chips slowly edged away.

"Alright mate, bit early for that isn't it?" one of the teenagers asked laconically, wiping down the counter.

"No! It's real!" Yin insisted, pointing wildly towards the door. "Pale! Far too many limbs! Armed with tickling tendrils!"

Just then, the creature appeared in the doorway. It paused, its black eyes sweeping over the scene – the greasy counter, the rotating elephant leg of meat, the bewildered humans. It seemed momentarily confused by the bright lights and the smell of garlic mayo.

The man with the cheesy chips dropped his tray with a clatter. The teenagers’ jaws dropped.

The creature took a hesitant step inside. Its tendrils twitched. It focused on the dropped cheesy chips, lying sadly on the linoleum. It extended a tendril and poked curiously at a cheese-coated chip.

"Oi! Get out!" yelled the braver of the two teenagers, grabbing a long metal tongs. "No weirdos! We've got hygiene ratings to think about!"

The creature retracted its tendril from the chip, seemingly offended. It emitted a series of high-pitched clicks and turned its attention to the teenager. Its tendrils quivered menacingly.

"Don't provoke it!" Charlotte yelled. "It... it tickles!"

The teenager looked utterly confused. "It tickles?"

Before anyone could react further, the creature scuttled sideways, its limbs moving with that unnerving speed. It didn't go for the teenager, but instead darted towards the giant rotating spit of doner meat. With surprising dexterity, several of its tendril-tipped appendages wrapped around the warm, greasy cylinder.

And it started... tickling the kebab.

A series of rapid, feathery strokes danced across the surface of the meat. The creature emitted a low, continuous chuckle, its multifaceted eyes gleaming with what looked like intense concentration, or perhaps, pleasure.

Everyone in the shop stared, utterly dumbfounded. The alien tickle monster, the explorer of sensation, the cartographer of nerve endings, was currently engrossed in giving a doner kebab the tickling of its life.

Yin slowly lowered the umbrella she hadn't realised she was still clutching. Glennis, mouth agape, simply stared, his earlier panic replaced by sheer, uncomprehending astonishment. Charlotte just watched, her mind struggling to process the sheer, unadulterated weirdness of the scene.

The creature seemed entirely absorbed in its task, clicking and chuckling as it meticulously tickled the rotating meat.

"Right," said the teenager, slowly lowering his tongs. "Okay. That's... not standard."

Yin nudged Charlotte. "Now's our chance. While it's... communing with the processed lamb."

Slowly, carefully, they backed out of the Kebab Krazy, leaving the alien to its intimate moment with the doner. They didn't run this time, but walked briskly, casting nervous glances over their shoulders. The skittering sound didn't follow. The last they saw of the creature, it was still diligently tickling the kebab, seemingly lost in a world of greasy, meaty sensation.

The Aftermath

They finally stopped several streets away, leaning against the cold brick wall of the closed Nantwich Museum, chests heaving, minds reeling. Glennis was smoothing down his trousers and muttering about needing a stiff drink, Yin looked strangely exhilarated, and Charlotte felt a confusing mix of terror, adrenaline, and profound embarrassment.

"See?" Yin finally panted, a triumphant grin spreading across her face. "I told you! Alien! Though," she frowned, "the kebab affinity wasn't covered in any of the literature."

"It... it tickled the meat," Glennis said, sounding deeply disturbed. "The sheer impropriety! Why would it do such a thing?"

"Maybe it's assessing the texture for colonization suitability?" Yin mused. "Or perhaps it's just really, really weird."

Charlotte just shook her head, leaning it back against the bricks. "Hannah's Sexy Feet... was an alien tickle monster." She started to laugh, a slightly hysterical sound. "It wanted intimacy... with seasoned meat on a stick."

The absurdity washed over them. They looked at each other – three ordinary office workers who had just kidnapped (sort of), unmasked, and been chased through Nantwich by an extraterrestrial being obsessed with feet and tickling.

"So," Glennis asked, adjusting his glasses meticulously, "what is the protocol now? Do we inform the authorities? The parish council?"

Yin shrugged, straightening her jacket. "Go home, I suppose. Lock the doors. Perhaps invest in some feather dusters for defence? And definitely avoid the Kebab Krazy for a while."

"And work tomorrow?" Charlotte asked faintly. Pendleton & Sons seemed like a different universe now.

"Well," Yin considered, "we can hardly tell Mr. Henderson our P45 reconciliation is delayed due to an encounter with an intergalactic entity with boundary issues regarding kebabs, can we?"

They stood in silence for a moment, the strange events of the night settling around them like bizarre, unwanted fog. Charlotte thought of the 'Hannah' mask lying discarded on Yin's floor. She thought of the creature's unsettling chuckle, the skittering limbs, the feathery tendrils. And weirdly, she thought of those perfectly pedicured feet on YouTube.

"You know," Charlotte said slowly, "part of me still thinks those were really nice feet."

Yin rolled her eyes. Glennis just shuddered. "I think I need that cup of tea now. Very strong. Possibly with a biscuit."

The walk back to their respective homes was quiet, punctuated only by the distant chime of St Mary's Church clock and the lingering smell of doner meat that seemed to follow them through the damp April night. Their drab lives had just taken a sharp left turn into the utterly surreal, and somehow, the prospect of facing those grey cubicles tomorrow felt even more ludicrous than being chased by an alien tickle monster.

[rinmonsterer]

Britin in Season 4

Oookay, it's that time of the month when we dig for scraps of good Britin moments in the last two seasons.

Continued from this post

Since I can't even pick my favorite ice cream flavor without making a whole spreadsheet of everything I've ever eaten in my life to make sure I make the right decision, I'ma stick just to season 4, which I've just rewatched.

I finally figured out what's wrong with season 4, based on the data I've carefully analyzed (i.e. rewatching sex scenes et all for science):

There is more chemistry, affection and love in any one Britin scene from season 3 when they are broken up than in the entire season 4. And the narrative reason is, I guess, that CowLip finally decided to cut Justin's umbillical cord and give him some independence (in the constraints of being brainwashed by another man of course, because it's Justin duh).

Unfortunately, the way CowLip went about doing it - in a style that we had to get used to in order to digest s4 and s5 - is as subtle and sane as Justin pausing mid-fuck to drag Brian out of bed, insult him and punch him in the face.

And even though nearly murdering Chris Hobbs seems to relieve a bit of Justin's rage issues (of course, leaving his PTSD still undealt with in any constructive way), the dynamic between him and Brian changes for good. Or for bad, actually.

Whether it's because CowLip finally decided to make a "real man" out of Justin, or because Randy Harrison at this point was famously sooooo oooveeeerrrrr Brian and Justin… The affectionate touches and looks between Brian and Justin are so rare you have to send a search party to find them. Justin gets more aggressive and toppy in sex scenes, he becomes more independent and assertive and we almost completely stop seeing Brian as the dominant partner in their relationship. And we don't see Brian and Justin just hanging out and being cute anymore - Justin is too busy, or too butch for that. Or he hangs out with Michael instead 😑 The closest we get to those good old Britin being Britin is their bet, which is one of the many instances to come where someone wipes the floor with Brian. Justin is either dominating Brian, or being a more mature partner to Brian, whose insecurities and weaknesses start coming to the forefront of his character.

I keep being reminded how Randy Harrison said that Brian and Justin's relationship was quite heteronormative and patriarchal, with Justin being the good little wife for most of the series. It makes me wonder whether CowLip were even capable of writing relationships any other way, where it's either than one partner or the other being "masculine" and "dominating". So far my answer is: nah. The moment you admit you have a relationship, you have to pick your place in the patriarchal hierarchy. It had to be either Brian or Justin wearing the cargo pants and pepper spray in the house, there's only one pair to go around. And in season 4 CowLip decided that Justin will get his chance to wear the pants and Brian will take a seat.

At least he got one good fuck while he was seated, I guess, so there's that.

But anyway. One Britin moment from season 4 I hold very dear is this one:

"You go do whatever you have to do for whatever reason you have to do it. I just want you to know I love you. And I'll be here when you get back."

So this is one of the few moments in season 4 when the old Justin is back, the one who's on to Brian, who loves him and will wait for him to get whatever it is out of his system, because he loves him in the way that Brian needs. The one who respects Brian's mile-wide personal boundaries and accepts that there is something Brian can't tell him now, or possibly ever. And even without knowing the whole situation, Justin still self-regulates his reflexive anger and hurt at being left behind, providing Brian with the sense of security and unconditional support he needs to work through his issues at his own pace, because he's been seeing that something is wrong.

And Brian instantly calms down because that's exactly what he needed at that moment, even though he's ashamed because he doesn't think he deserves that kind of love and grace.

In this moment, Brian had already made his decision to have the orchiectomy, therefore irreversibly losing the "perfect body" that Justin foreshadowed earlier when he was reading the cookie fortune. When Brian was mulling over that decision, it was because of Lindz, Gus and Michael that he decided he's not going to go out young and beautiful in the blaze of glory, but stay alive for his family.

But - and this is the part that guts me in this storyline and I resent that CowLip decided to replace Justin with Michael once again in Brian's emotional solar system - Justin kept trying to drag him into bed and bringing attention to Brian's temporary impotence, which reinforced Brian's conviction that Justin is going to leave him if Brian is no longer a perfect sex machine. Because what else could Brian possibly have to offer, right?

So this moment at Kinnetik when Brian lashes out at him and tries to push him away, only for Justin to give him a scrap of hope to cling to, and the way Justin soothes Brian's panicked rage, is such a poignant and beautiful thing.

Brian still believes Justin is going to leave him. And then when he comes back from "Ibiza" and drives Justin to school (poor kid is about to drop out AGAIN!) Brian is allowing himself to say out loud that he missed Justin. Probably because 1. he really fucking did and 2. he actually means "I'm going to miss you but I can't say that because then you'll stick around just to prove me wrong." Brian just wants to make the best of the time he still has with Justin, but the clock is ticking.

I can hear people saying that Justin is a doormat for just absorbing Brian's anger when Brian gets verbally or physically abusive. But if Justin was the type to do the healthy and well-adjusted thing, he would've given up in the pilot episode and the show would end after season 1 with Brian's suicide.

This moment makes me super emotional because when Brian lashes out at Justin, he's grieving his identity and self-worth built on having the "perfect body" and the impending loss of his lover. He's terrified and alone. Brian has no idea how to handle his emotions and this is probably one of the top 5 scariest moments of his life. He has no idea how to let anyone help, nor does he think he deserves to inconvenience his friends, partner or family with his own problems.

( BTW, Am I tripping, or am I right that while Brian tends to lash out at Justin when he's hurting, with Michael he just pretends everything is fine and looks for a distraction, because he knows Michael couldn't handle it? (also Michael would 100% make it about himself and then Brian would have to console him) )

Nobody can deal alone with these emotions Brian is feeling, and definitely not Brian. Anger is the only painful emotion he knows how to express to other people - and anger feels very isolating. Fear or sadness? - all he knows is how to internalize these and let them eat him from the inside like acid, until he starts choking on blood. The only way he knows how to purge that pain in an interpersonal setting is through anger, which is an ugly but very effective emotion, because it literally releases tension from the body, with the added benefit of pushing people away so they can't witness all the ugliness inside you exposed by your wounds. Anger feels very isolating, which is why I love Justin in this scene, because he reaches through that barbed wire to give Brian some comfort in a dark moment.

[sea-wolf-coast-to-coast]

7,935 total entries were submitted in 2023!

This includes all entries that were submitted via the Google Form, including late entries (and excluding duplicate entries).

Which brings us to 50,656 total recorded entries since we began this challenge in 2017! 

And, we had 109 volunteer artists in 2023!! Which means that there are 109 prize-winners!

A breakdown of the stats + announcement of the Participation Prize winners are below the cut ~

Want to see all public entries? Here’s a link to the Master Spreadsheet. This omits entries that people requested to keep private between them and I.

There's a lot to be gleaned from the data this year. Firstly, this is the first year where we see a real dip in participation, numbers dropping to the pre-2020 range. There are a couple of probable causes for this dip: this year, I chose, a) not to promote the challenge in any discords, b) not to repost any prompts to twitter, and c) not to post reminders throughout the challenge for folks to submit their links.

I was curious to know how much my own direct participation effects the challenge these days, and the numbers seem to point to "quite a bit!" So, that's good to know.

Secondly, we have finally approached the "data visualization salad" limit in which there are enough data points to confuse the visualization of the data overall, rendering them a little tough to understand at first glance. So, next year will probably see some fine-tuning of the data so that it's easier to digest.

Now, onto the good stuff!

Total Participation Year to Year:

Prompt Participation by Year:

NOTE: The big dips are Make-up / Extra Credit Days. Lots of folks choose to take a break over writing Extra Credit. Legit!

Prompt Breakdown by Week:

Submissions by Day:

NOTE: Day 7 was the day before the 24-hour deadline went into effect. Hence, the big ol’ spike.

Submissions by Platform:

Participation Prize Winners

Winners were selected via a random raffle dice roll made by Moen and span all online writing platforms, including Tumblr, Ao3, Google Docs, and others (like Twitter). This writing challenge is not a contest - no one’s work was being judged for length, skill, etc. The prizes are based on participation only! The more entries that you wrote and submitted within its 24-hour deadline, the higher your chance of winning a prize.

Prizes are a simple black & white portrait of the winner’s character. Most are shoulder up but the artists are free to take liberties if they’d like. Prizes are not commissioned work, so ultimately it’s the artist’s choice for what they’d like to do for the piece. Some artists (not all) accept commissions and might be open to colorizing a prize piece, after it’s been posted, at their normal rates.

Due to recent changes in Discord's username format, this year (and this year only) all winners will be notified by yours truly (MoenMoen) via a friend request and message in Discord. Next year I'll be teaming up with some folks to find a better, more streamlined process for informing and connecting winners with their volunteer artist.

So, keep an eye out for me in your Discord friend requests/inbox over the next week or so (it will take me a minute to get to everyone):

As always, there are a few winners whose artists may need to drop out for personal reasons, and that’s ok! In those cases, the winners will be carried over into 2024′s pool of winners where another artist will pick up their prize and complete it.

Congrats to all 109 winners, and I'll see you in September 2024 when we do it all again!

[venlazlo]

Also here is a little calendar for all their estimated birthdays since this is more easily digestible than the spreadsheets and the wall of text i wrote

edit: sorry forgot adeline