#The new lore we got is also quite interesting gonna have to do a full deep dive of the series to refresh and understand everything once

[galakaz]

COUNT YA DAYS YOU LANKY BASTARD YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR EQUIPMENT AWAY FROM ME FOREVER

[flowers-of-io]

I *can* tell you why Neztea: When his brother Set cut him up into pieces after killing him, Osiris' wife Isis assembled all the pieces and wrapped his body up, enabling him to return to life.

I *can't* tell you why it was Mithrax and us collecting the bits of Nezarec instead of Saint. I *can't* tell you why it was bits of Nezzy in the canopic jars instead of bits of Osiris himself.

I *can* tell you we went through the whole song and dance of Osiris being functionally dead and then functionally revived, as tedious as it may have been, simply because that's the myth of Osiris and that's what Bungie does.

Full disclosure: I'm still perplexed about why it was Nez brew as well, but I personally call as of yet unclear Savathûn shenanigans. One of the biggest motifs associated with her specifically is tea and teacups. Don't believe me? Go do a search on ishtar. Saint's got his suspicious mystery teacup. You know what bone china is made from? Literal bones.

(There's also the Calix Summus emblem, which once again points us back towards the hive and their alchemy and nezzy (with the pyramid line thingy coming out of the cup). Calix = cup, but calix also = calx, one of the products of calcination (if that doesn't ring a bell, look back at the context of the calcified fragments). Summus here probably means something like key or paramount, so... the most importantest cup. Check out the secondary part of them emblem! That's a syzygy!)

If I sound like a lunatic, well... that's fine. The fun thing about Destiny lore is that it *does* reward you for putting in legwork to understand the mythologies and theologies and philosophies it draws from, even if you sound like a maniac to most people.

If you're really curious and want to figure out what happened or is going to happen with Osiris, I'd start looking into the history of Osirian cults and their practices. You might find absolutely fuck all, but you might also find something interesting. I'd do it myself, but I'm balls deep in Hive names and writing systems for the foreseeable future. Oh, and keep an eye on Saint. I'm still not convinced he's gonna make it all the way to the end based on what we know about the story of the phoenix and the turtle dove pigeon

Last thing: If a garden grows in both directions and that garden is a metaphor for the story told in a parable, then the story probably requires as much tending in the past as it does the present.

Good luck, I love you, have fun, pirate books if you have to, and keep your third eye wide fucking open.

(A reply to this post)

First of all, I'm so sorry for missing this message somehow. I've been having issues with not getting (or overlooking?) notifications about new asks and it's driving me a little mad by now.

(Putting the rest under a read more, because it's A LOT)

Second of all, I feel so stupid lmao. Of COURSE it's the Osiris myth eh? I genuinely didn't make the connection AT ALL, despite noticing the damn canoptic jars and being like, huh, interesting! And then my brain didn't follow on it ever. What probably threw me off is what you mention, the fact it was Misraaks and us, and not Saint, collecting the pieces, and that these weren't even Osiris' pieces to begin with. And besides, he wasn't even dead.

There's quite a mix of symbolism in the whole thing here, overall? Nezarec is the Nightmares guy, which makes sense in terms of him being the cure for a guy stuck in a coma--but this acknowledges Osiris' status as *asleep*, not dead, which then throws off the whole myth thing. And remember that one piece of Nezarec is, or is in, the Delicate Tomb--and that gun is very long-time nuclear waste warnings-coded, y'know, the whole "This is not a place of honour" thing. "The danger within is repulsive to us" is as far as you could go referencing to "What is here was dangerous and repulsive to us" while not quoting it verbatim. (And also the Delicate Tomb states "within" because the danger--Nezarec--is literally inside the gun.) The name of the catalyst quest, The Form of the Danger, is a direct quote.

What interests me is the thought process Misraaks and Eido must've gone through to arrive at the conclusion that they should brew this ancient corpse and serve it as tea, but okay, let's suspend our disbelief and say they just studied the remains for a long time (which they did) and within the context of Nezarec being the Nightmares dude, it made some sense.

It's also really funny of Savathûn making *that* the cure for the coma, and very 5D chess for her. She could have reasonably assumed the Witness would go looking for Nezarec's remains when shit hit the fan, in order to have its powerful Disciple back; though how it wanted to revive him I'm not sure, seeing as it was the Traveler's laser beam that inadvertently did the job. But then of course we Guardians would try to stop it, and most likely succeeded, and once Nez's remains were in our hands, we'd obviously study them. And so we'd find the cure. It's so brilliant and so, so unserious.

And yeah, her and tea!!! I'm not sure how to connect Saint's teacup (if you mean the one from Quintessence) here, but "Dûl Incaru serves you poison in a fine tea set of Ahamkara bone" from Truth to Power is iconic. *Ahamkara* bone china!!

You're also so big brained about Calix Summus because I literally didn't know this emblem existed. (For the record, it was included in the January 2024 Prime Gaming bundle.) And yeah if we interpret the graphic as planets and orbits, that is indeed a syzygy... And yeah. Calcified fragments. Gosh this rabbit hole runs so deep.

Bro I NEED to know about what you're cooking regarding Hive names and writing systems!!!!! Your brain is so big and I want to pick it about everything lol.

Oh, I never interpreted the garden growing in both directions as a metaphor for the story told in a parable, but rather the paracausal forces' ability to change past and future + the Black Garden being a four-dimensional thing where space is time, but. BUT. The thing about parables and myths is they bend time, in a way. They connect the past to the present, and so by extension the future. Time there is always circular; they keep happening over and over, regardless of linear history. They aren't physically *real*, but they are true. (Also paging @svedupelle here bc I know he'll be interested.)

Thank you!!! My third eye is so open it's like half of my forehead now.

[solbach-colbrock]

Up Top! - Seth Borden X Reader

SUMMARY - You and Seth have developed a… unique high five

WARNINGS - none

WORDS - 1k

NOTES - This is actually something I used to do with a friend of mine. I thought it would be cute to write. Also Chase is in this one

~*~*~*~

Neither of you were sure how long you had been doing it, but by now it was practically automatic. Every time you and Seth got excited, you would… well, it wasn’t quite a high-five, but that was the closest approximation you could make. You got a few odd looks and laughs the first couple of times, but at this point you got looked at funny if Seth’s palm didn’t collide with your forehead when you two were hyped up about something.

At least part of it was due to your height difference. Being shorter than him, you had already become his designated armrest, so it was no real surprise when he started joking about your height by holding out his hand to high five you right at your face height and you just… smacked it with your forehead in spite. It was goofy, and the fans definitely loved it. 

You, Seth, and Chase were filming a video for Chase’s channel. It was a quiz challenge thing, all the questions coming from Twitter fans asking you about details of your past videos that you were likely to get wrong. The two losers of the challenge had to dye a strip of their hair whatever color the winner decided. Two of you were gonna end up matching, and as funny as the concept was, you’d rather not let either of them decide what colors your hair was. 

“I fucking knew it, too! My first fucking thought was, ‘oh it was definitely my green hoodie’, but then you started talking and I started doubting myself! Motherfucker,” you exclaimed, sinking into the backseat of the car. You put your head in your hands, annoyed by the laughter coming from the brothers in the front seats. 

“Haha! I messed with your mind!” Seth laughed.

Y: “Guys, this man in gaslighting me! I have it here.”

S: “Alright Chase, your turn.”

C: “Damn, alright. Hit me.”

S: “What was the name of the man who was rumored to have hung himself at the Shanley Hotel?”

C: “Ah, fuck. How am I supposed to remember that? We filmed that a couple months ago.”

Y: “Even I know the answer to this, and I haven’t even been there yet.”

S: “How the fuck do you know then?”

Y: “I watched the video! I was interested in the lore! It was new information!”

S: “Fuckin’ nerd, alright. What’re you a fan or something?”

Y: “Oh, I’m so sorry for supporting you and your career, Jesus.”

S: “Ok Chase you’ve had plenty of time to come up with an answer. What do you think his name was? Like, honestly, if I didn’t have the answer right in front of me, I don’t think I'd be able to answer this one.”

C: “Fuck, um… David or somethin’? I don’t know!”

S: “Final answer?”

C: “I guess? I really don’t know.”

The smirk on your face grew to a grin as he answered.

S: “Wrong, it was William.”

Y: “Get fucked! Oh, I knew you weren’t getting that one.”

S: “Now you two are tied.”

C: “One of us is gonna lose.”

Y: “Seth is already losing this one.”

S: “Yea, there’s no way I’m wining. I’ve only got two questions right.”

Y: “Should we do a tiebreaker? One question, and whoever gets the answer right first wins?”

C: “Oh, yea. We gotta find a question both of us could answer, though.”

S: “Alright, I’ll look. Give me a second.”

You and Chase relaxed for a moment, avoiding opening your phones in case you came across the same question that Seth could ask you. Chase turned around in his seat when he heard you chuckle to yourself.

“What’s funny?” he asked.

“Oh, nothing. Just deciding what color would look best on you two.” He rolled his eyes at you, his competitive side coming out full force now that it was down to the wire.

“What makes you think you’re winnin’?” You folded your arms over your chest in defiance.

“I’ve watched the videos multiple times. I know what the fans have seen.”

S: “Okay, shut up. I’ve got the question. At the Hatfield Estate, what did the ghost of Arnold whisper in Josh’s ear?”

Y: “Oh, shit! Fuck, I know this!”

C: “God, what was it? I was standin’ right next to him when it happened, too. Damn it…”

S: “You guys get thirty more seconds before I need an answer, right or wrong. Whoever gets closest, I'll take it.”

C: “God, was it ‘come find me’? I remember it was a little kid sayin’ it.”

S: “That-“

Y: “No! It was ‘over here’ because after we started freaking out about it the REM pod started going off in the other room! Like it was trying to show us where it was!”

S: “Yea, that’s correct, actually. Chase, you lost.”

You were practically jumping in the back seat from excitement, cheering at Chase’s distraught state. Your hyper reaction was infectious, and Seth stuck his arm towards the back seat for a high five. You threw your head forward, your forehead making contact with his open palm.

S: “Let’s go! Good job.”

Y: “I fuckin’ knew it! Now I have to decide on a color.”

S: “Wait fuck I forgot I have to do that. What the hell am I celebrating for?”

The three of you wrapped up the video, opting to post pictures of you dying their hair as well as the final result on instagram later. 

“How many edits do you think we’re gonna get out of the high five this time?” Seth asked, knowing full well there would be some made within an hour of posting the video. There were always at least a couple when you two did that. The fans loved your silly little habit. They thought it was really cute and endearing, and frankly, so did you.

“Oh, plenty. It’s been at least two months since we did that on camera. They’re gonna eat that shit up.”

“Will you two just fuckin’ date already?”

“Chase!”

“Shut up, bro!’

[tavyliasin]

The Scent of Cinnamon 1 - The Cambion, The Gift, and The Contract

Raphael has a new home, but the halls are remarkably empty. Mephistopheles has seen fit to send him a gift, though as with all things in the Hells, nothing is ever quite so simple... Meanwhile, an incubus with no name stands in front of a portal, ready to take the first step in the only plan they have left. One that will either secure their future or seal their fate... 4,301 Words - AO3 Link Click Here

--- The Scent of Cinnamon is a prequel series focusing on Raphael and Haarlep from the moment they meet, continuing through various events up to the beginning of Baldur's Gate 3. Summary: Raphael and the incubus meet for the first time, and the specifics of a contract are worked out between the pair. Pairing: Raphael/Haarlep SPICE Rating: 0.5/5  Content Warnings: Mild power play. There's not a lot of spice in this one, it's the following chapters that will raise that bar~

Spoilers Vague House of Hope and Act 3, but most of this series is focused on what came before. Canon Compliance Most of this is being pulled together from scraps and hints in the game and from the lore of D&D in general. Haarlep's initial physical appearance is based on incubus/succubus lore in the sourcebooks - mostly human features on their bodies, human ranges of skin tones, but they still have wings and tails, and shorter horns than cambions or tieflings have. I also go with a personal HC that Haarlep can only shift into the body of someone they have a deal with. Other Notes An image of a concept for Haarlep's original appearance will be added at the end of the fic, so keep an eye out for that~

Song Pairing (Click the title to open spotify) Play Dirty by Kevin McAllister, [SEABELL] "Do you wanna put up a fight? Or do you wanna get out alive? Everybody is picking a side And this can only end one way

Would you get the Devil this dance? Would you be a part of his plans? Now you got some blood on your hands Well, this can only end one way

If you wanna go, this is how it goes If you wanna roll, heads are gonna roll If you wanna play, we can play all day But we play, play dirty, play dirty"

--- FULL CHAPTER BELOW THE CUT --- ---

The Cambion, The Gift, and The Contract

Fine leather boots paced across stone floors, the click of heels echoing around the halls of the largely empty mansion that floated through Avernus. It was a start. A place of his own, somewhere to work with his own contracts and plans. The owner of the boots was a cambion, son of Mephistopheles, and already a powerful fiend in his own right. Raphael, if you were to ask a mortal, looked like a human in his mid 20s. Chestnut hair was swept back neatly from his brow, the ends curling a little just below his shoulders. His brown eyes were deep set but sparkled with ideas, face clean shaven and expression darkening by the moment. Had he taken his other form, huge red wings would stretch above him, a long tail slapping the floor in irritation behind him, and soft brown eyes would instead blaze with hellfire. His whole form would be larger, and his skin would be a deep crimson, ridges across his well defined muscles more reminiscent of his demonic heritage than the human half. However, it was often easier to remain in the guise of a human man. Aside from not having to deal with the physical logistics of wings, horns, and a tail, potential clients found him to be more trustworthy, and the reveal of his demonic guise was often another powerful tool of intimidation and persuasion. Occasionally, some found him to be seductive, but he tired of trying to please people he had no interest in. There were no fiends in all the hells he could trust to be intimate with, and mortals were so terribly boring, weak, and short-lived. No, they were far better as tools, pawns in his grander designs, so sex was a last resort to seal a particularly irritating deal. This might have been seen as unusual in the hells, for any fiend to have no attraction or desire to act upon their libido, but Raphael did not care. He could satisfy himself should the need arise, and it was safer not to let anyone in to his abode. Not until he had built up his loyal following. 

Unfortunately, so far he only had a couple of apprenticed Warlocks, and one or two debtors scrubbing his floors. And now he had to greet a stranger. The letter had specified a “gift”. Knowing Mephistopheles, this would not be the kind of gift that came with a single catch, but more an entire shoal of red herrings to sift through to find which specific catch he needed to be concerned about.

—

A young fiend stood before a glimmering doorway, uncertain of when precisely they were meant to cross the threshold. They were dressed in a black silk outfit that gave them an appearance of masculine androgyny. Dark tan skin and bright green eyes might have looked human, if it weren’t for the 4 short horns protruding from their brow, slightly parting black hair that cascaded down their back and over their shoulders almost blending with the silks they wore. The other tells of their demonic nature were more obvious, however. Huge wings with blackened edges, claws at the tip, coloured in sunset hues of red and gold stretched out behind them, quivering with nervous anticipation. A long tail with an arrow-tip end pawed at the ground behind them, kicking up a little infernal ash. All they carried was the clothing they wore and the instructions they had been given. A simple enough task, and they were hardly inexperienced, but their first meetings were usually within a dream. Subtly watching their target, learning their desires and their fears, finding every intimate secret they hid in their subconscious before they would ever appear before them physically. They sighed. They didn’t even have a name to bring with them. Whatever it was had been taken, a simple exchange for a promised reward. “Let him name you,” the instructions had been clear, “let him do as he wishes. Get close, learn all you can, and deliver it back to me. You are no fool, incubus, and neither is he. But play the game well, and you will have the life of your dreams in the end. A home all of your own, whatever meals you desire delivered to your door, complete power over the domain I shall grant you.” It was tempting. It would be tempting to any incubus or succubus. They also couldn’t deny a small amount of pride at having been chosen. It sounded like the advances of succubi had already been rejected, so they relished the thought of a challenge. Besides, the son of Mephistopheles was hardly without any power of his own. They took a deep breath, steeling their nerves before they stepped through the portal. 

—

Raphael sat back on his chair, tilting it so the front legs were no longer on the floor, boots on the edge of his desk as he read through pages of another contract. Etiquette might demand he stand to greet the arrival, due any moment now, but Raphael was not one to heed any demands but his own.

He didn’t look up when the familiar electricity of the magic swirled in the air, nor did he pay attention to the polite cough from the guest.

“You’re late.” He lied, thumbing through the pages and moving one to the front, still not looking up from the paper.

“And you’re human.” The visitor stated, all too bluntly for Raphael’s liking. “I was told to expect a cambion, Raphael. Does the master of the house not see fit to handle his own household?”

The cambion bristled. His brow darkened a little, though only one watching very closely would notice the subtle change. “You would do well to remember at least a modicum of respect when addressing your new master, regardless what form he might appear in. Are all gifts supposed to be so rude when accepting hospitality?”

“Hah! What hospitality? There’s barely a thing here, and I am barefoot upon your floor. Gift, indeed, that you do not even look upon me let alone deign to unwrap me.” They were becoming no more humble. If anything, they were becoming more bold by the moment.

The attitude was finally reaching Raphael’s limit. He looked up from the papers to see who would have the audacity to address him so.

For a moment, his thumb slipped, one of the pages almost dropping from the stack as he took in the tall and slender form of the nameless incubus. He quickly regained his composure, but not before they had noticed.

The cambion put his feet on the floor and straightened up the papers, putting them in a neat stack on the table. He stood, walking towards the invited invader in his home, stalking around them to observe and assess them.

“I’m not a piece of meat, Raphael.” They stood still nonetheless, allowing him to pace and take in all of their form. They flexed their wings and tail to put on more of a show. “Do you like what you see?~”

“Passable.” The cambion grunted, the highest praise he had given any attempt yet. “And good you finally recognise your master’s name. So, why are you here?”

“You know that much. Your dear father sent me. You are well aware that many of your kind take ours as advisors, partners in pleasure, or allies for whatever purposes you might have for our abilities.” The incubus grinned, the hint of slightly sharpened teeth glinting in the light as they looked down on the smaller human form of their supposed master.

“You’re a spy.” Raphael said simply.

“Obviously.” They replied, pleased that they were not being expected to work for a complete fool. “Do you wish to refuse me? Send me back?”

“Honesty is a commodity that few of your kind trade in. You may stay. However, ground rules must be set.” He turned to walk away, beckoning for them to follow. “Come.”

“Already?” The incubus laughed at their own humour. “It takes more than that, Raphael.”

The cambion bristled at his name being used so casually, but remembered a key point. “Name. What is it?”

“I don’t have one, not until you choose one for me. Spiteful of your father to take my identity, but at least I kept my good looks.” The incubus brushed off the lingering insult of what they’d had to trade for the opportunity. It would be worth it, eventually.

“Then I should know you first, incubus. I shall choose a name befitting your station.” He continued to lead the way through the halls, keeping a few steps ahead of the honest spy who was taking note of every crack in the walls.  

—

The incubus watched Raphael carefully. Every movement, every time his gait shifted to avoid stepping on a looser stone. Their bare feet felt uncomfortable on the floor, but it mattered little.

They noticed the silence in the halls, only one terrified half elf dressed in rags scurried away as they passed by, busying themselves cleaning some furniture in a side room. There was a lingering scent of cherry that drifted from the cambion ahead, though that was the only note of perfume they detected. Somehow, something so simple hardly seemed fitting.

The door to the bedchamber was large, heavy, and sealed with a magical lock. A simple spell had it opening before the master of the house, who gestured for them to enter.

“There, take a seat.” He indicated a pair of chairs near the balcony on the far side of a huge four poster bed, heavy red velvet drapes skirting the floor, a deep contrast against ebony silk sheets.

They ignored the suggestion of the chairs entirely, and instead took a seat on the edge of the bed, their tail snaking out behind them to smooth over the sheets. “Not bad, I’ve been in softer.”

“That is not for your benefit.” Raphael stood a little taller, crossing his arms and glaring invisible flames towards defiant green eyes. 

“Then for yours? You are aware of my nature as an incubus, if you are to indulge in my many pleasures, I am not one to receive.” They watched his reaction, wings folding carefully inwards to soften the challenge of the statement.

“We shall see. I have yet to decide on that matter.” The incubus smirked at that reply, it was not a no . Raphael continued regardless. “What are your abilities?”

“Aside from near infinite pleasure? I can take the form of any who have made a contract with me.” They shifted now with a spell, appearing first as an elven woman with flowing ginger hair and freckles across her cheeks. The next moment the magical fire enveloped them they became a dwarven man with a long braided beard and dark eyes below a heavy set brow. The third form they took was a dragonborn with sparkling iridescent scales. “This one was a particular favourite, a beautiful rarity. So I may become anyone you wish me to be, so long as I have laid with them.”

“Any form? Including another fiend?” Raphael arched an eyebrow, fingertip tapping against his jaw as he considered the options.

“Another devil taken your fancy?” The incubus laughed, remaining in the guise of the dragonborn for now. “Of my many forms I have not added a fiend, yet…but were I to take yours, there would be some benefits.”

“Benefits? It seems more like a remarkably unpleasant experience from start to finish.” Despite his words, he appeared to be waiting to hear more.

“Any time I take on the body of someone I have slept with,” they ran a claw down their chest, hand drifting beneath their robes momentarily, “they feel it when their form is used. Echoes of pleasure even across planes, though more intense the closer they are. If they were in the room right now, they would feel the sensation of their own hand on their body.”

“So, enhanced pleasure, and a disguise?” Raphael took a longer moment to consider it. “I can see a use for this, incubus.”

“Wait, you actually wish to deal with me yourself?” Their bravado finally slipped away in surprise, transforming back to their original body. “You would give me access to your form, control over your pleasure?”

“Must you be so vulgar about it? This could work to our advantage. Depending…” Raphael stepped forwards. “Tell me, spy, what were you offered?” “Simple. My own domain, power over it, and whatever delicious specimens I wish to devour.” They held his gaze, even as he blocked the light behind him. “I enjoy sex as much as I am sustained by it as my meal. I have known hunger, Raphael, and I have known powerlessness. I have no desire to become intimate with either again.” “So you want power, pleasure, and a range of flavours to sample? That is as cheap as you are to trade your identity, your entire being, devoting centuries to espionage for such pittance?” He was treading a line in his voice between anger and disappointment. The incubus’s tail began to flick with annoyance. “There was hardly anything to trade. What’s in a name, anyway? And a few centuries in the span of immortality, that’s nothing. An easy job, made all the simpler by the particular subject. You don’t even object to my presence or motivations… What do you desire, Raphael?” They prodded back with their question, working out how the pieces would fit together.

“Perhaps not so different, incubus. Power would be a simplification, but an accurate one. First I will expand my influence here, then across the rest of Avernus.” He raised his hand, infernal fire wrapping around him in an instant, transforming him into his more devilish physique. His horns curved above him, crowning his chestnut hair, wings spreading like a wide and regal cloak behind him in the same deep red as his skin. He had grown taller, marginally more muscular, and his own tail swished behind him. Fiery eyes regarded his guest with a new intensity. “Quite simply, I shall become an Archduke. The Archduke. The nine hells are full of infighting and imbeciles, one hand should have a tight grip upon them all. And that hand will be mine.”

The incubus watched the display with interest, contemplating their options. “You’re very sure of yourself, perhaps I should call you Archduke already if that is your goal. Consider it forward payment, if you are to rise to such lofty heights. Are you certain you should be telling your father’s spy all of your plans?”

“That man would be far more than ignorant to not believe that this is my exact aim. I would imagine he would be thoroughly disappointed if his progeny lacked any ambition. You’re welcome to report that back to him if you so wish, but it has as much merit as telling him that rain makes things wet.” Raphael considered the rest of the statement, clawed finger rubbing along the line of his jaw. “As for the title… No. Not until I have what I want. Although names have power in themselves, and we do not yet have one for you.”

“Whatever identity I had is gone, all that remains is my body, and even that is more changeable than the weather in the material realm. So call me whatever you like, Archduke, it matters little. ” The smirked at seeing him bristle at the nickname, the implied insult. “Then you are willing to consider my deal? There are plenty of… benefits to a night with me~”

“You have been ill-informed to believe me easy to bed. I will not lay with any harlot to stroll into my bedchambers.”

It was the incubus’s turn to darken their expression, voice gaining the edge of a growl. “Oh I am well aware of your type, Archduke . Aren’t you tired of primming and posing? Of all this air of I’m so much better than you, listen to me, do this, do that, puny lesser beings .” They stood, rising to their full height, standing just a little taller than Raphael even though he had transformed. The tips of the cambion’s horns were higher, but their eyes were above his. The realisation widened their sinister smile. “You do not need to be above everyone all the time, that is why you didn’t turn me away when I told you I will not lie beneath you.”

“You think yourself more powerful, do you? Need I remind you that I am the Master of this house, I own you, incubus, you are a gift in a pretty bow.” He stood firm, unswayed as they moved closer, the strong scent of cinnamon drifting from their warm-toned skin.

“You feel nothing, even now?” Their bright green eyes glowed more intensely in the face of Raphael’s insults, paying his venom no mind. Their tail began to touch his lower leg as they stepped even closer, faces just inches away. “You do not, do you…but you feel that.”

—

Raphael certainly felt something. Irritation, the searing tip of white hot rage pressing forward like a knife at the front of his mind, and…curiosity. How could he not be curious about a fiend who dared to be so brazen with him? To stand before him without bowing even once, never offering a single thing to gain his favour. They were speaking to him as an equal - that should have been an immense insult, and yet… “You should have more care about where you touch, harlot.” The offensive nickname slipped quickly from his lips, just as his tail slapped away the one that had been threatening to tug him off balance. “I have given you no such permission.” 

“Then if you gave me permission, you would allow it? Very interesting, Archduke. Let me ask you this, if I may?” They kept from touching him again, for now, instead observing his features closer with a piercing gaze.

“Ask. There is little point in asking to ask, aside from wasting my time.” He remained unmoved, tail betraying a hint of his irritation still.

“Your clients, the mortals you deal with. They desire you, do they not? You are a handsome devil, in either of your forms. Your human guise perhaps more attractive to some than your true fiendish self, but I see the appeal in both.” They smiled more sweetly, bringing a hand towards his face, never touching but tracing a line above his cheekbone, his jawline… A mockery of a lover’s caress.

“I am not here to be eye candy to you.” He sneered, faint lines in his face appearing with the expression. “Seduction is merely another card in my deck, mortal beings are too easy to manipulate with desire. Something I am sure a harlot would be more than aware of. You do not need me to point that out.”

“Quite so,” they continued their touchless caress down his neck, along his shoulder, and close to the top edge of his wing. “But I would be more than willing to fill your pointy boots in that regard~”

“I see you do have at least a modicum of sense between your filthy ideas.” He summoned a scroll to his hand, a quill pen appearing in the other, tip glowing with infernal magic. “Rules, incubus, and they will be followed. Without fail. Or I will not hesitate to cast you out of here.”

They sighed, hand dropping back to their side from where it had been hovering above the thinner and more sensitive skin of the cambion’s wings. “ Fine, if you insist we shall have it all in writing. You are to ensure I do not go hungry. Either provide me with partners to satisfy my hunger, or satisfy me with your own body.”

“Agreed.” Lines appeared upon the page in infernal script, glowing on the parchment with the power they contained. “And you shall not lay so much as a finger upon a client without my permission.”

“Then make it simple. This room will be mine as much as it is yours. Those you allow to cross the threshold are by rights my own to take, should they agree to it.” They smirked, adding to the letters upon the page. “The house is your domain, but in this room I am the only Master.”

Raphael’s ego failed to pick up on the edge of their tone as he easily agreed to the term, and moved on to the next. “Then the illusion must be maintained. Once you have my form, you are to wear it until or unless I specify otherwise.”

This time the incubus wavered. “You are asking me to give up the last shred of my personhood, to become you?”

“No. You will retain your personality as you see fit. You are to be my mirror in appearance, I cannot have a stray client or debtor seeing through that. They must believe, at least to a degree, that it is me they are laying with, and not some brothel-hired -” He paused. His finger traced a few letters in the air, moving them around, reforming his own name into something new. “That’s it. Haarlep. A perfect anagram, the version of Raphael that is closer to the Harlot that you are.” “You scorn me even as you wish to use me to your own ends?” The incubus frowned, though the name…was not entirely objectionable.

“The name should be a fitting match for the wearer, should it not? Or do you have a better idea?” He raised an eyebrow, staring directly into the incubus’ eyes. “I suppose I can become accustomed to it, with time.” They looked at the page, filling with more rules as they talked.

—

Some time later the full document was drawn up and signed, befitting Raphael’s side of the deal. Haarlep, as they had reluctantly accepted the name, would require the consummation to finalise things yet.

Both cambion and incubus smirked, feeling as if they had outmanoeuvred the other, their own egos clouding their gaze from the space between the lines. Had they looked closer, they might have noticed the finer details they hid from each other between clever words and half-truths…but it mattered little. The signatures marked the parchment in clear and binding text.

Haarlep, as they were now named, watched the scroll disappear to whatever archive it would be stored in with a wide smile.

“And what is it precisely that you find so amusing?” Raphael’s voice drew their gaze back to his eyes.

“Oh, nothing, Archduke.” They leaned just a little closer to his face. His appearance was by no means distasteful, if they were being honest they found his form to be intensely attractive, their imagination already undressing him as they spoke. “Now, I want you to take a very good look at me. Memorise every pore in my skin, every hair on my head, every little details of me . If I am to give it up, to become you until such time as either we reach our common goal or Mephistopheles decides my work here is done, I would have at least one being remember me properly.”

“I can have a portrait made if you are so particular. And despite your glamour, you will have access to this form should it be permitted.” He pulled back by an almost imperceptible amount, small wrinkles forming on the bridge of his nose.

“No.” The incubus spoke with a growing air of authority. “I will burn every part of my image into your mind and body. Every time you close your eyes you will see me, every moment of silence you will hear my true voice in your ear, every moment your own hands touch your body the grip you will feel upon your throat will be mine.”

Raphael took an involuntary step back this time. The imposing figure of his supposed gift, the toy he was simply supposed to occupy the hours with, the being that was intended to be used for pleasure alone…it felt as if their shadow was about to swallow him whole. Haarlep could see it in his eyes, the way the sweat began to bead on his brow, the breath catching in his throat as they leaned closer again.

They had him cornered like prey, a meal they fully intended to devour, the promise of what the contract could deliver almost as enticing as the low scent of arousal rising from the cambion’s crimson skin. “You needn’t fear my touch, Raphael. I assure you, this can be a most pleasant experience. You feel it already, do you not? The anticipation rising within you, the heat of my body moving closer, that sweet cinnamon filling your senses already…” They grinned wickedly. “It is, of course, more potent from my tongue, but there are ways I can allow the aphrodisiac my body produces begin to affect you from this distance.”

“That…would be acceptable.” The usually proud cambion struggled to find the words, his presence shrinking back with the hint of power in the words he had already signed away.

“Then you accept my lips? You want to feel the kiss of an incubus, to taste my lust upon your tongue?” Their wings fluttered in anticipation.

“Stop talking already. Your master has granted you permission by the terms of the deal.”

“Oh, Raphael, you have forgotten so quickly…in this room, I am the Master now.”

--- --- ENDING NOTES --- ---

Well I did promise the images of Prequel Haarlep, so here they are~ This was made by someone who has a fair few mods for BG3, based on my description. In truth, I far prefer @littleprincepaladin's artwork

Original Work Notes (from the time this was first published)

Haarlep's original form is based on incubus/succubus lore. They are shown to have far smaller horns than cambions, a more human range of skin tones and not blues/reds/etc like cambions and tieflings have. They do, however, still have wings and tails.

The article is written a lot in binary gender terms but I prefer to see it like the original literal meanings of the words: Incubus - to lie on top of Succubus - to lie beneath Concubus - to lie beside

So there could be male succubi, female incubi, and in general they do not necessarily have a fixed gender unless they choose to.

My version of Haarlep here uses they/them pronouns, in the same way that the game does, and prefers a slightly masculine leaning body type. They would consider themselves genderfluid or gender neutral by our terms, though they really do not care for it at all unless it has something to do with pleasure or power.

I do not have an original name for them, and this is intentional too. They will, however, grow into their new role and title as the chapters progress.

CHAPTER 2 HERE

[grigori77]

Critical Role, Campaign 3 Episode 76

Wow ... just wow ...

This is a good one, actually. Love LOTR, so yeah, this is great fun.

Ah yes ... Marisha is clearly NOT in the mood for his shit this week. Oh, the water spray! Yeah ... that's right ... typical Sam ... oof, this is a BAD skit ...

Laura and Ashley failing spectacular to live up to their respective character's classic accents is quite charming actually ... oh wow, has Pate FINALLY got his own t-shirt? Sweet ...

Sam: "I am Gimli, son of ... what was it?" Oh gods ...

New intro? Really? Oh shit ...

Fuck me ... I am SHOOK ... I dunno what I liked more, the lashings of Imodna or the way Fearne has such a cute and innocent smile on her face while wreaking bloody havoc ...

Matt's already having trouble with the beard. Wonderful ... Happy Halloween indeed ... XD

Aaaaaaaaagh no ... NOW he makes them roll ...

Oh, he rolled a 100? Oh ... shit no ... not a 5 ... SAMUEL FUCKING RIEGEL!!!

Ow! OW OW OW OW OW!!!

66? Please ... Taliesin: "Whose foot is coming out of my arm?"

Yeesh ... that was hairy ... but HELLO!!! Hi there, Sun Tree! Nice ...

Ooh, a greeting. Sweet ...

Marisha freaking out about hearing the Chetney voice coming from Travis dressed like Aragorn, son of Arathorn is so on point for how this session is destined to go ...

Oh man ... Laudna having traumatic flashbacks walking through Whitestone ... ouch ...

They're geeking out about being back in familiar surroundings ... ah yes, Percy's workshop. :3 Sweet ...

Tinkering? Oh, okay ... hey! Verna and Joe ... and Dancer! Yay! And Pussy 2 ... XD

Percy! Yay again! And he's just as crotchety as ever ...

Ah, so Percy and Dancer are NOT getting along, apparently ...

Whoa ... you are KIDDING ME ... NO ... NO ... IT IS NOT ... yes, it is, Allura! Sweet! All we need now is Kima showing up too and the full set is COMPLETE ...

So he has MORE of these simulacrum things. Cool ... but also not. Yeah ... crap ...

Allura knows Ludinus? Great ... but yeah, she thinks he's a douche too. Par for the course ...

The Harness is now largely RETROFITTED? Whoa ... sounds quite sleek and sexy, in fact ...

Way to go, Allura ... nice work there, clearly ...

A power still? Interesting ... the Quintessence Array? Even more so ... yeah, I figured this had the potential to be something NASTY ... yeah, good plan ... oh for ... CHETNEY!!!

The main course? Oh ... okay then ...

2 points of Fire damage AGAIN ... and a little inconvenience for Percy, too ... XD

Oh gods ... the hat ...

Children ... they're all still children ... EVERY TIME he mentions Pussy 2 ...

Allura: "This is extremely intense and extremely dangerous." FCG: "Like Chetney?" Travis (flipping his wig): "Oh baby ..."

Ashton (to Percy): "Adults are talking. Shush now." LOL

Oh, so Orym knows Allura already? Well it does make sense, of course ...

Whoa ... that was it? Oh boy ... IT'S ALIVE!!! O.O

SOMEONE ... to try it? Really?

The Vial of Cleansing Flame? Really? You're gonna start with THAT?!!!

Chet has 69 hit points ... OF COURSE he does ...

So we're really doing this ... okay then ...

Percy really is getting the short end of the stick in this at every turn and I love it ... XD

Enchanted Dishwear ... that cleans itself? Wow ... that is spectacularly crap ...

It's actually working ... oh boy ... five temporary hit points? And ... WHAT does it do Travis?

Holy fuck that us pretty choice actually ... also a little scary ...

Sam's flask ... oh my gods ... the ultimate ...

Table of Smart People ... yes, very true, Ashton ... ask the experts ...

Let's NOT Rend Ashton into a thousand pieces ... YES!!! Give it to Fearne!

Are they suggesting that Ashton and Fearne ... mate?

Allura's really gonna try going into Ashton's head? Seriously?

Aaaaaaah ... this is getting trippy ...

Dunamancy? Oh, here we go ...

Oh boy ... more Ashton backstory lore dumping! Yay! I love this stuff ...

The Luxon? Hmmmm ...

Oh shit ... the Malleus Key ... oooooh fuck ... wow, this is some heavy shit ... he DREAMS ABOUT this shit? O.O

:3 Laura mimicking the Merry waddle as she comes back to the table is adorable ...

Oooh ... is that a Mighty Nein namedrop there?

Ashton: "Wanna put a weird fire emperor in you?" Fearne: "Well, I mean it wouldn't be the first time." XD

Marisha: "Shirtcocking through Whitestone ..."

Long suffering Percival De Rolo ... XD

Laudna uses Pate to do some magical eavesdropping ... hmmm ...

A heart-to-heart with Dancer? Oh this'll be interesting, and likely really tough too ...

Wow ... this is really refreshing ... this is GROWTH ... awwwww ... yeah, we really needed this ... FCG definitely needed this ...

Ooh, some fresh info on D? Yeah, that would be helpful ... a mask? Hmmmm ... I wonder what Matt's setting up with THAT little detail ...

A hug? Really? Awwwwww ... awkward, but sweet ... :3

So Pate's listening in on Percy and Allura ... here we go ...

It's true, WE ARE currently being invaded by aliens ...

Crap, he's been discovered! Oh boy ... that is hilariously embarrassing ... he's doing the Worm? Yeah, I can imagine it's a bit disturbing ...

Oh, I love that little undead rat thing ...

Ah, food? Nice ... meanwhile the LOTR quotes continue apace ... XD

Orym is a very pretty bride, apparently ...

Discussing the particulars of the Harness ...

Large antlers? Oh! Hey! It's Keyleth! Yay!

Ah yes! The War Room! It's been a while ...

Paintings? Oh wow ... the adventures of Vox Machina! Sweet ...

Whoa ... Keyleth's MUM?!!! So cool ...

Time for a break, then ... yes, then we can concentrate on the really COOL stuff ...

Okay, here we go ...

Ah, so, the bigger picture is revealed ... hmmmm ...

The Reilora have special and specific powers against Divine magic ... ooooh ... interesting ...

Whoa, so the ongoing thing with Ruidus is making things continuously WORSE for all of magic in Exandria? Shit ... that's even worse ...

Imogen's dreams, yeah ...

Good girl, Imogen, you go ahead and mess with him telepathically ... XD

Yes. She IS very capable ...

Travis actually rolls to see if Chetney just drops dead right now ... apparently it's LOW ... oh boy ... Travis: "I'm flirting with it ..."

They are still kind of the Bumbling Fucks, but now they're becoming more powerful and important Bumbling Fucks ...

Marisha + that wig = Tilda Swinton ... fuck, once you see it, you really can't unsee it, can you?

This is what makes a bunch of heroes, right here ...

Matt: "We are not rolling for pregnancy."

Oh yeah, Caleb and Beau ... what HAS happened to them?

No teleportation to the moon ... yeah, probably not a smart move ...

Keyleth sends her mum to rally the troops and everybody grins as they quietly geek out ...

Insight check on Legendary Weapons? LOL

Oddly specific scrounging for treasure from FCG ... Percy: "Why does that sound so familiar?"

Bells Hells giving Keyleth such adorable nostalgia ...

Matt's beard is becoming comedy gold, it really is ... XD

A moment for Orym and the Voice ... :3

Keyleth advising Orym to keep an eye on Imogen due to her mother ... Keyleth: "Family ties can be ... confusing." Hmmmm ...

Does FCG know about devils? Religion check? Oh boy ...

Going on a tour of Whitestone? Hmmm ... what, go call oh Whitestone Andy? Throw some rocks at him? He was a big douche to her ...

Oh yeah, Vex was pretty fond of them all in the end, wasn't she?

They're being watched? I think I already know who this is ... Orym goes looking ... yeah, it is her, isn't it? Hello there cuteness ...

I love Gwen so much, she's such a sweetheart ...

She thinks Chetney's 4,000 years old? Awwww ... :3

Laudna introduces Gwen to Pate ... oh gods ...

Pate: "I'm very friendly ... in the presence of children." Oh gods indeed ...

Now she's showing her the Hound ... and she loves it ... ye gods even more ...

Fucking hell Ashley, how do you get 32 on an Insight check? Damn right she gets Whispers ...

Oh, she sensed something when she touched Laudna? Hmmmmm ...

Imogen, Laudna and Fearne follow her up into a room ... and now they're playing a game to try and coax her out? A group Persuasion Check? Hmmmm ...

Well this might still work ... just be honest with her ... and Laudna does just that ... then leaves? Oh ... that's really sad ...

A hatred? Oh man ... was that fucking Delilah? Damn it, it was ... bollocks ...

Planning a little Witchy Adventure after dark? Okay then ...

Ashton is wandering about with the other boys ... what, Changebringer's temple? Hmmm ...

Splitting up, now off to the Matron of Ravens' Temple ... nice secluded spot for it, definitely ... here we go ... a graveyard? Interesting ...

Oh, the Dawnfather? Interesting ... more modest and homely, at least ... here we are, Altar of the Raven ...

A statue of Vax? Oh wow ... that is awesome ...

Looking for an entrance ... oh, that was surprisingly easy ... and now it is PITCH BLACK ... hmmmm ... going downwards ...

Scrawny hairless ancient dwarf? How the hell does THAT work?

Othinon? Okay then ...

Five stone sarcophagi ... right ... so they're more symbolic, then?

Oh gods Ashton what are you doing? Dear fucking gods do not open that ... oh, very good joke there, Ashton ... but seriously, what the fuck is he doing?

And now he is SEALED INTO THE SARCOPHAGUS ... now Othinon is directing them to go into the others? Hmmmm ... Chetney and Orym and SHARING one ...

Nothing's happening so far ...

Oh shit, are they starting to trip out? Yeah, here we go ... it's very subtle but it's happening ...

Each having their own separate but similar experience, it would seem ... or ARE THEY sharing communication after all? Seems to be both ...

Oh okay ... hello there, Raven Queen ...

Now they're floating in a black shapeless void ... the Matron looking down upon them ... oh, so Ashton's going to try climbing out using one of the chains ... and it works? Now they're ALL doing it ...

The chains break? Now they're falling and she just explodes into a mass of ravens ...

Wait ... so what, was that actually some kind of blessing? Weird ...

That was quite the trip ... for all of TWO MINUTES ...

Meanwhile FCG has gone to the Horizon Temple ... oh, hello Osli! Nice to see a familiar face ...

Oh fuck ... Letters saying if something IS going to go bad he asks the Changebringer to maybe make it happen just to HIM and not to his friends ... come on, FCG ... don't destroy us emotionally like that ...

FCG really does have a very healthy relationship with his goddess, all things considered ...

So business has been particularly brisk at the temple lately ... par for the course, really ...

Sam: "Thank you, Cat Stevens." Matt: "It's the least I could do, ZZ Top."

Reconvening at the crepe stand ...

Holy shit, the guy there IS Whitestone Andy? Motherfucker ... Laudna is being magnanimous in her anonymity ...

Meanwhile Imogen is just subtly messing with him ...

Fuck, did FCG REALLY just Banish Andy? XD

Oh, NOW he finally remembers ... oh, maybe it's NOT him? Gods, I'm so confused ...

Closure ... nice ...

Back to the castle, time for rest and turning in ... Nice place go finally get some overdue PROPER rest. Reflecting on what's to be done, and what's to come ...

They almost don't let him, but Matt calls it a night after all ...

So that's that for the night ... and Happy Halloween ...

[nhi-theuser]

One Piece Book Club: Chapters 1-3

Chapter 1:

Yippie!!!! One Piece begins with everyone’s favorite execution😁😁

New guy: Gold Roger, who is instantly executed lmaoooo

Our first look at Luffy!

New guy: Red Haired Shanks, who, presumably, has red hair

Luffy wants to be a pirate but he’s a little goober who can’t swim yet, approx 7 years old I think

New guy: Shanks’ first mate(unnamed so far)

They’re all pretty cool so far ngl

New guy: Makino! She’s the barmaid!! And Luffy puts everything on a treasure tab it seems. Also! Makino is very strong!! Look at that barrel of beer! (She’s holding a barrel labeled beer when introduced) A barrel of liquid is Not light

LUFFY YOU IDIOT WHAT ARE YOU EATING <- (i know exactly what he ate)

New guy: Higuma, some kind of bandit who loves terrorizing normal civilians

I think this line is really funny given Luffy exclusively has like crazy ass people as role models(to me)

I wanted to mention really quickly—but shanks got hit over the head with a glass bottle, which in real life is typically a life threatening attack. Realism is irrelevant given that this is one piece, but things like this are too common and underemphasized in media, so I wanted to bring it up in the off chance someone got the bright idea to recreate that move irl. Be careful not to kill people!!! It’s worryingly easy!!

Rest of the chapter goes something like this: Luffy defends shanks and his crews honor against higuma and gets beat for it, and the shanks and his crew pull of to stop that!!

Luffy gets snatched and eventually dropped into the sea, about to get eaten by a sea monster when shanks turns up and quite literally glares at it until it fucks off. Unfortunately, shanks lost an arm during the ordeal. Fortunately, Luffy gains a hat!

Ten year timeskip finds Luffy sailing away to become a pirate in his own!

Chapter 2:

Ah.

LUFFY ARE YOU ACTUALLY TWEAKING RN THATS GONNA KILL YOU

New guy: Lady Alvida of the… pirate ship. I’ll get back to you when I find out the name of the crew

New guy: Koby! My traumatized little guy!! No spine whatsoever but I think that’s a trauma response😁

New guy mention: Roronoa… Zolo. Because the translation hasn’t been updated I guess. Like, you know, just the official translation that I’ve been reading legally.

KOBY WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU😭 YOURE TOO TRAUMATIZED TO USE YOUR OWN GETAWAY BOAT😭😭😭

Luffy they’d never make me hate on your dreams (doesn’t mean I won’t hate on you though be prepared <3)

Rest of chapter is Koby being like “I wanna be a Marine!” And alvida pulls up like “🤨😡you wanna do what?? You said you were gonna capture ME?!” And then luffy punches her and makes the other crew give him and koby a little boat to sail away (we also get quick lore that to get/find the one piece you gotta go to the grand line, which people refer to as the pirates graveyard)

Chapter 3:

Luffy and koby pull up at the marine town where ‘zolo’ is located, and have a quick meal cause food is important yeah.

This combination of panels is insane😭

“Maybe they just got carried away” listen little bro(this statement is funny for meta reasons) but that is a crazy ass assumption😭😭 like the thought process is genuinely interesting though yk like “oh, they reacted like crazy when hearing about the scary guy! Maybe they went overboard and also reacted hearing about the captain morgan guy”

New guy: Captain Morgan!! Some random guy that’s running the show in this town apparently

New guy:(officially) Roronoa Zoro! That very first panel of him the page before his full body that’s a partial side profile goes hard as hell, super menacing frfr

Also he’s like strung up like a more normal (“normal”) version of like idk jesus getting crucified?? I don’t know why I was thinking of it but??? Something about it feels like it’s supposed to be symbolic of something but I have a hard time displaying media literacy during first reads so let me come back to this one after witnessing parallels or something thanks gang

Zoro says he’s been up there for nine days!😟 which would kill a normal person I’m pretty sure because dehydration kills after like three days.. I’ve heard of cases where people can survive longer under very specific circumstances but that’s neither here nor there, bro looks like he has a head wound and a line of blood out the corner of his mouth so like realism for the loss lmao

New guy: little girl! Who I don’t know the name of, but she’s trying to feed Zoro and has a very kindness aura, though I would probably use a different word if I could recall a better one

New guy: Helmeppo, some guy with like an evil version of a Karen cut and the son of captain morgan. Bro is an ass stomping on that little girls food just because she made it weird😭😭

Yk what I AM seeing parallels but between all these panels where the background whites out and its two people (one of which is always Luffy) let me cook real quick I’ll come up with something later on trust trust

Also Luffy is wild, it’s so so interesting that he’s trying to decide if Zoro should join or not due to his having a bad reputation, makes it interesting to see his psychology regarding life as a pirate. He sees piracy as freedom to chase dreams and happiness and stuff, while most others perceive it as the ability to evade the law and do illegal acts/crime as you please

Zoro displaying good character as Luffy casually is so funny for no reason—though quick mention it’s pretty interesting that to me from my general perception of Luffy is that he’d like to eat anything, though food stomped into the ground is a reasonable line, just interesting given, again, his I’ll eat very many things attitude

Luffy tells the little girl Zoro ate the food she made for him and has a quick chat with her and koby about being good and stuff, and Luffy later punches Helmeppo after he(helmeppo) declares he was super lying about making a deal with Zoro to free him

Luffy declares he wants Zoro on his crew!!

Chapter 1-3 summary and thoughts:

- Luffy backstory where he gets devil fruit powers and how he got his hat from shanks

- Luffy meets Koby(wants to be a marine as his dream), saves him from alvida, and pulls up at a marine town

- Enter Zoro! Luffy decides he wants Zoro on his crew after judging him to be a good character and witnessing what it’s like in the marine town

Not much to say that I haven’t already, but I like it a lot! Pacing is pretty fast given the reputation regarding the length of one piece, if I had no clue what was to follow from this point, I’d claim it(the pacing) similar to that of CSM, but, yeah we all know lol.

Be back next time to commentate on the next couple chapters!

[its-raining-cats]

Idk how many of my followers play genshin impact but the 4.0 trailer came out this morning and I Must Scream.

I LOVE UNDERWATER EXPLORATION I LOVE ANCIENT RUINS I LOVE INTRICATE PUZZLES I LOVE BOATS I LOVE AIRSHIPS I LOVE CLOCKWORK AESTHETICS I LOVE MAN VS TECHNOLOGY I LOVE MAN VS AUTHORITY I LOVE PROPHECIES I LOVE UNHINGED WOMEN I LOVE MYSTERIOUS ENTITIES THAT ARENT SUPPOSED TO HAVE CONSCIOUSNESS BUT TOTALLY DO

More ramblings about the special program and trailer under the cut bc I have a lot to say. Seriously this post is LONG.

Trailer thoughts!!

I’ll go into thoughts on the scenery/environments/aesthetics first

As usual, it looks incredible. Genshin really knocks the aesthetics and environments out of the park. The city and the world outside it look beautiful, the underwater is full of life and i know I’m gonna get lost in there for hours. The seal(?) looking things are cute, even though it uh. Looks like one of them might be a ghost. The ruins look super interesting, and i think i spy an oceanid? We’ve been getting quite a lot of lore on them recently, between the Realm of Farakhkert and the most recent event. They’re almost definitely gonna have a part to play in the archon quest. It also showed us what appear to be some of the new world bosses, the crab-looking thing and those dancing robots in the second half.

Before i go into thoughts on the story, I’ll just start by saying that I’m really looking forward to where the story is going. Sumeru’s archon quest was leaps and bounds above Inazuma’s (in my opinion,) so I hope they can keep that momentum going.

Right from the start, they’re presenting quite a few plot threads in the trailer. The prophecy about the people “dissolving into the waters” is certainly foreboding.

There’s also that structure in the stormy water surrounded by ruins that we see twice, and some kind of creature (possibly an oceanid?) that doesn’t know who it is, followed by someone (Lynette, i think) saying “the water is gradually swallowing our memories… it won’t be long until it swallows us.” This is definitely connected to prophecy, and given the memory thing it’s probably related to the possibly-oceanid.

What is the Oratrice? All they give us is that it has a consciousness when it’s probably not supposed to, and it can talk in coherent sentences. I’m guessing it’s related to the clockwork robots in some way, maybe controlling them and causing them to go rogue?

Some clockwork stops, Navia comments on the rain, and Lynette quite literally dissolves into the water. Is the “Oratrice” the one causing the prophecy to come true?

I’m already betting on a Sabzeruz Festival-esque 0 to 100 where everything goes from ‘fun cute having fun experiencing the culture’ to ‘what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck’ real fast.

There’s the secondary conflict, Fontaines fucked up justice system that’s been hinted at for so long! The spectacle of the courtroom, baby. The Gang Becomes Enemies Of The State Part 4.

In the scene where the Traveler and Navia are surrounded by the Gardemeks, Traveler doesn’t seem to be doing so hot. You okay, buddy?

And also Childe. Mister Worldwide is back. Surprise bitch, bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

As for characters, it sounds like we’re gonna be meeting Focalors pretty early. Still can’t tell if she’s an ally, enemy, or something else entirely.

Looks like Navia will be featured heavily in the early acts! I love her aesthetic, especially the parasol in the overture teaser. She seems to have beef with the way the government/judicial system is running things. I’m considering pulling for her on aesthetic alone, but I already have good Geo units so that might sway me.

Lyney and Lynette are intriguing. Lyney is a 5-star while his siblings are both 4-stars. I was expecting him to be a catalyst unit tbh, the bow is a bit of a surprise. They’ve both got cat motifs, but Lynette is the only one to have actual ears and a tail.

Freminet! If they actually manage to make The Bell good on him… hats off. It’ll be interesting to see what his relationship with his siblings is like. Lyney and Lynette are such a duo, so I’d guess there’s probably gonna be some tension there.

Neuvillette seems to be taking an antagonistic role, but is that just the nature of his career? He’s seen in the audience of Lyney and Lynette’s show, so maybe he’s not a total hard ass when he’s not working, but for better or worse (probably worse, at least early on) he takes his job seriously. Villain or adversary? We’ll see.

Clorinde makes a brief appearance! I’m 90% sure I’m going to pull for her. I love her design and I need a good electro unit. I can’t tell if she’s an antagonist or not, she seems to be fighting Navia and the Traveler, but a few shots later she’s destroying the Gardemeks. We’ll see!

Also Navia using Whiteblind and and Clorinde using Iron Sting hmmmmmmmmmmm 👀 dare I say it.

I also spotted Charlotte a few times, but she didn’t have much of a presence in this trailer.

No Arlecchino, Sigewinne, or Wriothesley yet, but what’s this??? It’s Childe with a steel chair!

All in all, the trailer was really good. It’s got me very excited for the new areas and story, and was just put together really well. They’ve come a long way with their version trailers.

Onto the rest of the program!

I really appreciate that they didn’t put an oxygen/regular stamina bar on underwater swimming, and the fact that they did that specifically so players can explore to their hearts content without having to watch a meter every second is really nice. Just from seeing them talk about it, it’s clear that they’ve put a lot of thought, time, and work into the environment, movement, and pseudo-combat in the interest of keeping the experience fun and user-friendly.

Arkhe… I’ll have to experience it in-game. The lore implications are interesting, but I’m not sure how I feel about it’s supposed effect on gameplay. I guess it encourages players to try out Fontaine characters, but I’m not sold on it just yet.

In that fight with the baton-wielding Meka… I saw that red crossed out plus symbol above the health bar. We are so fucking back. We are SO FUCKING BACK. They laughed at us when the rifthounds came out. They laughed at us when the black serpent knights came out. Who’s laughing now. VIVA LA SHIELDS, MOTHERFUCKER.

So this strange energy source was invented “over 400 years ago”…….. and the fact that it’s called an “annihilation reaction”……… suspicious.

A machine that harvests people’s belief in justice and uses it to power everything in the city…… man there’s no way this could possibly end up leading to corruption in the judicial system.

Praying to every god imaginable that they don’t fumble the morally gray characters.

I won’t go into detail on the state of my wishes at the moment but… hoo boy. These banners are not being very nice to me. My pity is high but I only want the four stars. Pain pain pain.

CLORINDE HAS A ~COMPLICATED~ CONNECTION WITH NAVIA 👀 👀 👀

The Icewind Suite boss looks so cool… I love the figure skating inspiration.

“The first underwater areas you reach are actually shallow seas. Since it’s the travelers first time diving we wanted to make sure the underwater experience is comfortable for players :)” oh I just know they’re gonna send us into the Mariana Trench later on. Wether it’s one update from now or five, it’s gonna happen. And I’m gonna be terrified the whole time.

MULTI LAYER MAP THANK FUCKING GOD. Better late than never.

The 16th… my computer is probably going to be out for repairs then :’) maybe when natlan releases I’ll finally be able to participate in a launch day.

This post went on way longer than I thought it would. If you read all of my ramblings then uh. Thanks I guess? Have a good day.

[elvenbeard]

Get to know me

I've been tagged in three separate memes with that title by @timaeusterrored and @katsigian, thanks a lot for thinking of me! :D For brevity's and simplicity's sake I'm just gonna throw all of them together in one post ~ Won't be tagging anyone in particular, but if you read this and feel inclined to share some stuff about yourself, pick and choose from the questions listed here and feel free to tag me in your posts! :D

Favorite color: Purple, Turquoise, and Black

Relationship: single

Currently reading: when I'm not re-reading my own stuff for editing purposes, I currently just really enjoy reading everyone's Cyberpunk drabbles and OC lore posts because I live for that stuff! for having been a very bookish kid I don't really read much anymore admittedly D:

Last song Played: "A Dialogue In B Flat Minor" by In Flames (it's on my V playlist and a very Vince and Johnny song to me XD)

Song Stuck in my Head: "Gloves" by Saint Punk (I'm obsessed with it because it fits Vince so much and I'm working on something inspired by it)

Last Movie: oooof... I think it was "The Shawshank Redemption", I was recently in the mood of rewatching some 90s classics while drawing!

Last series: If youtube series count, I'm currently rewatching Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime for the 11th or so time XD I've loved true crime stuff for as long as I can remember and BFU is also just really nice as background noise for when I'm working on something for a few hours at a time. Looking forward to diving into Mystery Files xD (the last "actual" series I watched before that was "Better Call Saul", rewatched it from start to finish in English for the first time xD)

Sweet, spicy, or savory: ooohhh hmmm.... dammit, I guess I'm too much of a sweet-tooth to not pick sweet xD

Favourite Food: Pizza with lots of different cheeses

Craving: to quit my dayjob, because objectively, it would just be really fucking funny to do. We're chronically understaffed and simultaneously also being forbidden overtime to catch up on the backlog, so it's just extremely exhausting at the moment.

Tea or coffee: Coffee, but tea is nice too :3

Dream Trip: everywhere... but my top 3 are Japan, Iceland, and Canada. I'd love to go to Japan during cherry blossom season, spend one week in all the big cities and another more on the countryside, going hiking, looking at temples, forests, and spending a day or two at a ryokan with onsen. Iceland I'd also like to see as much of as possible, I'd actually love to do a guided tour on horseback across the country xD And honestly, same for Canada (without the horses though), also a trip across the country visiting all kinds of sights and cities along the way would be awesome.

Last Thing I Googled: 2023 Conventions Germany

Currently working on: the final stages of my new Kerry x V drawing, editing some VP shoots, writing Vince's background lore fic (6 chapters done, about 6 more to go!), started writing a post-canon fic (but only have a few paragraphs), and my ongoing Cyberpunk 2077 Let's Play videos XD cause I always wanted to make a full Let's Play like that and given my current obsession it works. Looming on the horizon are also some short comics and ideas for mods and even more VP!

Are you named after Anyone?

After an OC of mine, if we go with Elven as the name I'm predominantly using atm XD Long story short, but "Elvenbeard" was an elf OC I once cosplayed as and who got his name from a friend of mine during a very long and funny train ride to the convention we were headed to. Good times XD

2. When was the last time you cried?

A couple of days ago. I think it was a mix of stress and having too many feels about Kerry xD

3. Do you have kids?

Nope, and don't want any. Unless pets count.

4. Do you use Sarcasm a lot?

I would never do such a thing.

5. What Sports do you play/ have you played?

None xD I was the short fat kid that got relentlessly bullied by my PE teacher for years which completed ruined any interest in sports I might have ever developed.

6. What's the first thing you notice about other people?

Honestly... I think I've gotten quite good at picking up people's vibes first. Picked up a very bad "stay-far-away-from-them" vibe from someone a couple of days ago, and when I met them again a little while later one of the first things out of their mouth is transphobic bullshit. I (sadly) felt rather validated with my first impression.

7. Eye Colour?

Hazel.

8. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

Both can be good! I don't like overly gory movies or stuff that relies heavily on jump scares, but a scary film with a good story and some unexpected twists I really like (some of my faves being "Hush" and "The Conjuring"). I'm also a sucker for Happy Endings though. Best thing overall? Angst with a Happy Ending.

9. Any Special Talents?

Does hyperfocus count as a special talent these days? XD

10. Where were you born?

Somewhere in rural Germany.

11. What are your hobbies?

Yes... Drawing, writing, sewing, crafting, cosplay, gaming... and the newest addition: virtual photography!

12. Do you have any pets?

Yess, a cat!

13. How tall are you?

160cm/ 5'2 - smol and full of rage

14. Fave Subject in School?

Art, History, and English as a secondary language

15. Dream Job?

Creating things that make people happy and being able to live off of it ooooor anything that allows me to finance that kinda "maker of all kinds of things" lifestyle I'm dreaming of. Ideally, if I have to keep a dayjob, I'd like one that only takes place in the timespan of Monday to Thursday, or Tuesday to Friday, and doesn't start at 5.30 in the morning, but at 9 or 10. Or just generally the option of home office would be nice. I don't wanna be rich, but I'd like to have financial security for myself and my cat, enough time to do my silly little arts and crafts, and travel somewhere cool once a year or so.

[tears-of-boredom]

dream time! i was laying in bed, and I guess i yelled something along the lines of "is someone in the kitchen?" cuz I heard something, but then i heard the voice of a man, who was maybe a skeleton also, right beside my ear. something like "no, im here". in the dream lore i had been simping over this maybe-skeleton man for like months, and I think I knew him from like, some type of fictional media. im pretty sure he was like a reaper in that. and his voice was very famous, the tumblrinas were obsessed with it and him. so i heard the very distinct voice of this maybe-fictional maybe-skeleton man right next to my ear, while im lying in bed. so the man is laying in my bed right next to me. and I didnt know. kind of a jump scare, but also I'm not gonna turn this opportunity down. i very visibly flinch when he announces his presence, and he laughs at that and says some shit like "oh did i scare you?", and that was really fucking hot like there's a reason everyone was simping over this man. then idk a couple minutes pass somehow and my brother comes to my door complaining about not being able to eat, like its my fault. he does not flinch at the skeleton man in my bed at all, in fact, it seems like he already knew about him. or at least that, in this dream world, some random man appearing into my bed isn't an uncommon thing. he seems to be even more annoyed because of the skeleton man, but I do not care at all. I have a hot skeleton in my bed who I've been thirsting over for months? my brother trying to start an argument is not one of my priorities right now. but me and skeleton man do get up to go eat some breakfast. my brother angrily declares that he's going to go eat somewhere else, i do not care. again, i have a hot skeleton man in my house, who seems to be interested in me. the "scene" cuts off when my brother slams the door behind him.

then i was playing a minecraft puzzle map that was considered a classic, and it's main feature was that there was a skeleton who would bicker with you in a very homoerotic way. very different skeleton from the first one though. there was some puzzle where you had to help a spider go through a window or something. the spider was really big and furry and i don't like spiders that much. I let my the other person i was playing the map with handle that one. i think we were doing a lets play video, because when we got past the level, everything just stopped moving. i climbed through the window to get into the next level and found the skeleton frozen in place as well. then it cuts off.

im a member of this group of robbers, but im new. i always assumed everyone on the team was very incompetent at robbery, but in the dream they like emptied whole houses, plus basements, so I guess I was wrong about that. a lot of the times i didnt actually care for the robbery part of it all, so I just sat in our getaway car with the driver most of the time. we didnt talk terribly much, but there was a vibe you know. and the vibe had told me that if the cops showed up, the driver would abandon everyone without a moments hesitation. so that's part of the reason I stayed in the car as well. the main part of the dream was just me and the driver developing a very homoerotic relationship full of bantering-bordering-on-flirting -but-not-quite. i thought he was really attractive. and i didnt understand why he stayed with the rest of the team. many a time I fantasized about being stuck on a very long heist, me and him in the car as usual, and the boredom takes over so we start talking more, and then we have a sloppy make out session to pass the time.

anyways yeah i think the moral of this story is to not watch undertale gameplay before bed, unless you want to dream of very attractive skeletons flirting with you.

[spectral-kitkat]

Miraculous Rant.

Where the hell do I begin…

Season 1:

The show was decent in season 1. Some episodes were just mindless filler and probably weren’t needed in the grand scheme of things but they helped us get introduced to the characters, we got to know the plot and the world our characters inhabit. It was good. The love story between Adrien and Marinette was cute and off to a touching and fluffy start.

Season 2:

This season was immediately better than season 1. It had character development, it went more into detail about the lore surrounding the Miraculous and we got to learn more about our characters and their families and the villian’s motives. (HM really went from “I wanna destroy the world” to “I wanna wake my wife from the coma she’s in”).

We got to see new heroes which was fun! We got new characters like Luka and Kagami.

The season finale was epic! The Miraculous team all taking down all the previous villains in the show was awesome. At the end we even got Mari kissing Adrien on the cheek. It was great! (Even though it clearly reset itself in season 3 cause it’s never mentioned again)

I really enjoyed season 2 and it’s probably my favourite out of the 4.

Season 3:

Season 3 was kinda good and kinda bad. We had some great episodes but this is where the show took the wrong turn.

Marinette lost some of her character in season 3. This was the start of her descent into being the Queen of Mary Sues. It’s also where she was crowned the Queen of Stalkers! Her character took a fucking nose dive in this season. We had so many moments that just creeped me the fuck out.

1. The ENTIRETY of Puppeteer 2 🤢🤢🤢 I could not stand that episode. When we reached the dreaded statue scene I physically had to pause it like 10 times. That scene takes about 3 minutes to watch… it took me about 20. I cringed so fucking hard because of the secondhand embarrassment I was feeling. That was not sweet, it wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t the least bit cute… it was a train wreck! It was creepy and stalkerish and it’s a wonder Adrien even spoke to her again after that atrocity!

2. LB delivering the present in Chat Blanc. Two words: STALKER BEHAVIOUR!!! I genuinely could not believe my eyes when I saw LB run her hand across everything in his room and then actually SNIFF Adrien’s pillow. Like WTF!!! 🤮 I’m pretty sure whoever was responsible for that scene clearly thought it was the equivalent of when someone gets their S/O’s jumper or something and it still smells like them. But this turned it up to the nth degree and way passed the line of sanity.

Adrien was extremely under-utilised in this season. He didn’t really do anything. The only episodes we got about him didn’t really focus on him. ‘Felix’ whilst focusing on Adrien’s family didn’t really feature him. ‘Party Crasher’ while a beautiful mess was more about Mari trying to get into the party than the party itself. ‘Chat Blanc’ again focused more on Mari trying to fix her mistake.

We got even more heroes in season 3, not in the right order but they were there. It was fun seeing everyone’s transformations.

Season 3 was also the season of destroying redemptions. The big one obviously being Chloe. Season 2 was setting up this amazing redemption for her and before it could go anywhere it was wiped off the face of the earth during the finale (and don’t worry we’ll get to that dumpster fire later). Gabriel also had any remaining sympathy ripped away from him. How did the guy who stopped Gorizilla from letting Adrien die when he only thought he was CN go from that to using his son like fucking baseball in Chat Blanc when he knew his son was CN. Like I knew you were a shit father but you still cared about Adrien in some way shape or form but after that episode I can see I was clearly mistaken!

Before we get to the finale I want to talk about probably my 2 least favourite episodes from this season: Desperada and Reflekdoll

Desperada:

I fucking hated this episode! The only good thing was Luka getting to be Viperion, other than that this episode was awful!

Marinette was a selfish cringey bitch. Completely ignoring Luka to gush about Adrien to Jagged. Brushing Luka off as soon as Adrien turns up. Immediately cuddling up to Aspik and flirting with him when she needed to focus on the akuma (something which she has told CN not to do many times before)

Adrien, I love you kid but Jesus Christ you were a dumbass in this episode! Aspik’s design was terrible! Aspik himself was awful. I know Adrien tried his best but dude you were given the Black Cat miraculous for a reason! He shouldn’t have tried to be Aspik but even when he did he should’ve called it quits after like 5 resets not 25,913 times.

The only person with a brain this episode was Luka. So well done guitar boy, gold star!

Reflekdoll:

This episode was annoying! It was basically the start of the Marinette can do no wrong streak! When they have to swap miraculous I was happy cause it meant we got to see new outfits and see how they each handle the different powers. It would also serve as a way to get LB and CN to see what their partners role is first hand. Until we actually get to it…

LadyNoire is of course amazing and needs no introduction to using this new miraculous that she’s never used before. She’s cocky and confident and basically just LB in Chat’s costume with his powers.

Mister Bug on the other hand is just useless. He struggles with this new miraculous (like anyone would!) and is stupid and goofy. He has to rely on LadyNoire to solve the lucky charm. They swapped miraculous so shouldn’t that mean that Mister Bug should get the lucky vision and the creative powers that the earrings give him.

Overall Reflekdoll is awful. It was shitty writing and the start of Adrien getting the short end of the stick.

And now the season 3 finale… Just what the fuck. That is my only reaction: what the fuck!

Chloe you poor fucking child! What did they do to you!!! So much potential SQUANDERED!!!!

What was the point in bringing in all these different superheros with unique skill sets, costumes and transformations if you were just going to immediately reveal them to the main villian so they can’t be used again. That’s stupid! If you wanted the shock value that is “Oh no HM knows some of the heroes identities!” Then keep it as only some. Have like Max, Kim and Kagami outside trying to find somewhere to hide but unfortunately they get hit. Or Nino and Alya are hiding but the windows open and they get hit. Have some of the heroes hide so they’re fine! Taking away every ally of LB and CN’s was a stupid move! (Even if they wanted Alya to become a spy have her as part of the like 4 that get revealed or something, it’s not that difficult)

Season 3 was 50/50 for me

Season 4:

So I know season 4 isn’t even halfway through yet but so much is wrong with this season already that I need to vent!

So my biggest problem with this season of Miraculous: Tales of Ladybitch and Rena Rouge, I mean Rena Furtive… shit, Chat Noir! Is that CN is basically pointless! Adrien has been flung over a rainbow and is only remembered when he’s needed as

1. Marinette’s love interest

2. Someone for LB to shout at

3. A plot device

He has basically been sidelined. Partners my ASS!!!

Adrien is being blown off by pretty much EVERYONE! It’s coming to a point where this poor sweet summer child is going to crack! And it is not gonna be pretty… I definitely feel like the writers are leading up to a big fight between CN and LB which will probably end with Chat Blanc 2.0.

I REALLY HATE MARINETTE/LADYBUG!!!! In Season 3 I said it was the beginning of her descent, well in season 4 she’s done it. She’s descended, she has hit rock fucking bottom. She is so unlikable I don’t actually care about her as a person. She has entered full blown stalker territory it’s only a matter of time before she starts killing people for even looking at Adrien! Not to mention that Miss Mary Sue here can’t do anything wrong! She never has to suffer the consequences of her actions, she is always perfect no matter what she does… it pisses me off!)

She’s the Guardian now big whoop. I know what it feels like to be stressed and under pressure so I do understand why she needed to tell someone about it all. I just don’t see why that person had to Alya! Especially considering she has someone by her side every akuma attack going through pretty much the exact same thing. I know she’s worried about CB happening again but as I said before the more she leaves him out the more she is actually pushing that to become a possibility! Plus it makes sense for them to reveal their identities now since LB is now the guardian it’s probably a good idea to know who holds the cat miraculous, she knows everyone else’s identities!

Even if she didn’t want to tell CN her identity she could still explain the situation to him. If she didn’t want to tell him anything (which she doesn’t anyway) then instead of Alya she should’ve talked to Luka! Her boyfriend for all of half an episode (thanks writers…). He’s so sweet and caring and clearly loves her so much! If she wanted someone to confide in then why not choose the person you clearly wanted to date but couldn’t because of that very reason! (Yeah I know it’s kinda a moot point now since Luka knows both identities but still). He wanted to try and comfort her so it would’ve been the perfect moment for it. That way you could still date him and he’d know why you had to suddenly leave dates halfway through! But no break the boys heart instead!

Adrien and Marinette were both such fucking idiots in the first 2 episodes. Like why would you start a relationship with someone when you know your heart isn’t in it! That’s called leading someone on and is a really shitty thing to do to someone! No wonder Kagami and Luka ended up akumatized!

Another aspect of season 4 I don’t like is Rena Furtive. Yes ok having a spy for your side is a good strategy but when said spy basically tells an important member of a duo that the 2 person job doesn’t involve them… it just really ticks me off! Alya you are the sidekick to LB and CN! Chat isn’t!

Miraculous specials:

The Miraculous World specials suck! Shanghai is better than NY but still has its problems. Both specials add nothing to the overall plot/lore of the show apart from trying to set up some weird cinematic universe…

NY special:

One of the worst things I’ve ever had to sit through! The plane scene alone I paused a few times. I want to say well done to Mari for trying to move on from Adrien (especially considering I’m pretty sure she’s dating Luka at this point) but I can’t help but think it’s just to give her character some pointless development that goes nowhere and doesn’t actually develop anything!

LB can pretty much fuck off at this point! I hate her! She put all this shit on CN (like she doesn’t know exactly how that feels). It’s like why does she get to go off on holiday but CN can’t. LB should’ve stayed in Paris for 3 reasons:

1. She’s recently become the guardian meaning it would probably be best that she stayed with the Mircle Box

2. She’s the only one who can purity the akumas

3. If she’s so sure about being the boss then she should take responsibility of Paris and the citizens.

What really pisses me off about her is what she says to CN during the big fight. “I can’t trust you”… surely you could have this conversation afterwards since you’re supposed to be focusing on taking down the villian! Plus everyone bashes Adrien for giving his miraculous up in this episode but look at it from his point of view: His partner and best friend just said she couldn’t trust him which in turn caused him to cataclysm someone and essentially kill them. That’s gonna take a toll on anyone, especially a 14 year old! He probably thought in that moment. “Ladybug needs a partner she can trust and someone who won’t mess up and kill someone. She needs a better partner.” It makes sense he renounces his miraculous! I’m just upset that in doing so he loses Plagg who is pretty much his only friend who actually understands what Adrien goes through at home.

When Uncanny gets CN to come back, LB acts like it’s not her fault in the first place that he feels inadequate! She didn’t even apologise for saying what she did! He apologised for lying about not being in Paris but nope LB wasn’t in the wrong at all and didn’t have anything to apologise for 🙄… (yes the LadyNoir hug was amazing but I just wish it was under different circumstances!)

Also are we not gonna mention Gabriel Agreste almost starting WW3??? He wanted to launch a fucking missile!!!

Shanghai:

As I said before, this special is way better for several reasons.

We got MariChat! (Best side to the love square imo). This special actually had some semblance on a plot. Fei, whilst a bit op, was a cool character. It was nice to see Wang Cheng again.

However once again there were many problems.

A big one being Marinette yet again! (What a shock! 😒 I’ll come back to this). Another was that once again HM’s motivation has changed. How is getting the Prodigious gonna help bring back Emilie??

Back to Marinette… The fact that the words “Huh?! There must be some kind of mistake! I always know what's up with Adrien! … His 5 first names and every corresponding name date, his yearly schedule, even his shoe size! If there were anything to know about him, I would know it!” come out of her mouth whilst she is flipping through his schedule that she keeps in her pocketbook is a hugh red flag!!! That is not cute or adorable! That’s messed up and Adrien needs to fucking run and maybe possibly go into witness protection… Marinette is a full blown stalker! Not to mention the GPS she has (that could just be the find my friends app on iphone but still).

It also is extremely rude of her to use not only her great uncle’s birthday but also a lie about wanting to know her Chinese heritage in order to go to Shanghai to stalk her obsession, I mean crush. This could’ve been avoided if the Dupain-Chengs were going to Shanghai for the purpose of celebrating Wang Cheng’s bday and then Adrien just so happened to be in Shanghai.

Also this means LB left Paris without telling CN! I know CN did the same but again he can’t purify the akumas. Plus he has a reason he couldn’t stay in Paris, Mari just went cause her crush did. Great guardianship there Marinette.

This was also the last time CN actually did something. Even if it was for a short while before LB and her female partner took over (the beginning of a theme…)

Other things:

There are 2 other things that I wanna say but felt they needed a separate bit.

In Furious Fu, Su-Han has a rule book that he uses to tell Marinette which rules she has broken. At the end of the episode he tells her that is she breaks 1 more rule that he will take the Miraculous and the Miracle Box off her, which fair enough but wouldn’t it be helpful to leave the rule book with her?! How can she be wary of not breaking anymore rules when she doesn’t even know what the rules are??

Now the big one: Master Fu…

Where do I even start with him. He is so fucking manipulative!! He is Asian Dumbledore!

He decides to leave these extremely powerful jewels in the hands of 13 year olds! Surely leaving the miraculous to someone in their 20s would’ve been better!

He clearly favours LB over CN even though the Ladybug and Black Cat are supposed to be partners! Wouldn’t it make sense for them both to be in contact with the guardian from the start?? He randomly started introducing rules such as if LB and CN find out each other’s identities they would lose their miraculous… what kind of bullshit rule is that? It also came out of fucking nowhere!

Final Thoughts:

But to summarise all of that: Miraculous is on quite a steep decline but I’m invested at this point and I am genuinely curious as to where the fuck this will go.

Marinette needs professional fucking help before the writers even consider canonising Adrienette cause at the moment she is not what Adrien needs!

Adrien needs to stand up for himself! He needs to pull LB to the side and tell her what he feels and what he’s going through cause he is on the precipice of a breakdown!

(Small point that’s more to do with the fandom: when searching for fanfics it’s really annoying that Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir Bashing is a tag but Marinette Dupain-Cheng/Ladybug Bashing isn’t. Why does everyone think Marinette can do no wrong???)

[spade-snax]

Alright! Here goes my Bugsnax Grumpus last name headcanon!

(This ended up being way longer than I thought it would've been, oh god-)

I think we all can agree that the headcanon where a Grumpus child has their parent's combined last names as their own last name is a very common headcanon people share. It's a good one! Even I like it a lot. And when applied to OCs or fankids it makes for some hilarious names.

It'd make sense in-canon and I feel like it gives the Grumpus world more depth as their own little tradition. (Honestly give me ANY culture/tradition headcanon for Grumpuses PLEASE THOSE ARE MY FAVORITEEEE I even had one for teeth a while ago that I may share publicly one day!!)

But I've been thinking about this, especially because of Cromdo and my own OCs - Neddy and Rason Honeyfidget. With Rason being Neddy's dad, if we only used this headcanon then Neddy shouldn't have this last name... Well, there's a lore reason why he doesnt and that is that his mother has died while he was still an egg, a while before hatching. Rason made him take on "Honeyfidget" only.

But that's just the backstory that got me thinking at the name traditions as a whole, so I'll try to avoid OC talk any further to make this friendlier for others who do not know about my OCs and are just interested in reading this headcanon.

Another headcanon I want to mention as I apply it to my own is the headcanon that Triffany changed her last name to Bronica's last name as a way to honor her. You can definitely change your name to anything you want in the Grumpus world, but changing your last name to a relative's like your grandparent's last name is possibly quite common!

And now I want to bring up Cromdo and the fact he is divorced. It has been confirmed that Cromdo is divorced and that his name may reflect that. (Though originally it was answered in the AMA that "Cromdo Face" just sounded funny at first and that it is possible that he did loose a half of his last name this way!)

Also I want to say that he wasn't abusive to the child mentioned! I remember there was a small confusion and drama about that. And I believe one of the devs on the YH discord mentioned that the 1# tie was a reference to Octodad. I do not remember if that confirmed that he is a father or if this answer by Sage was possibly wrong. He cannot see the child because he lost custody of them and lost in court. I do not have screenshot evidence of this. On a side-note I believe this could be one of the reasons he grew to be so money hungry. He didn't have enough money back then to keep his child. Again I want to say it could be ONE of the reasons and not the exact reason why he is this way.

This is more so of an ramble about my headcanon and what I want to say rather than some comprehensive thing, I am so sorry dfwergeg it's just how I write and explain things and I gotta mention it ALL (Great addition to "Guzma, your ADHD is showing")

Anyways, back on track with my HC.

But in this/my headcanon - Cromdo is divorced, he has had a child, and lost a part of his last name because of the divorce. I do not know how human marriage last name and stuff works properly so uh, see this as just speculation about a fictional species' culture rather than a carbon copy of our own. Which it clearly isn't LOL

I personally think that you can do multiple things with your last name when you get married! (And how it can affect the child's last name!)

Let's use Chandlo and Snorpy as examples, because I think they make great last name combinations. (And Snorplo is HELLA !!/pos)

- You can change your last name to your partner's last name, like we do commonly. (At least, with all the cultures I'm aware of and how marriage works for us.) Examples: Snorpy Funkbun, Chandlo Fizzlebean

(This one isn't very common to do!)

- You can change one half of your last name to a half from your partner's last name. Examples: Snorpy/Chandlo Funkbun/Fizzlebun

(Not as common either, but it still happens. It is actually more common than the first example. This was the case for Cromdo. I'll get back to this later. Grumps usually reserve this for their childen, which is the most common way of naming your children!)

- You keep your last name after marriage! Example: Snorpy Fizzlebean. Chandlo Funkbun. Canon examples would be Wambus and Triffany as well!

(Most common one to do as many wear their last names with pride or for other reasons - such as Trifanny when she changed her last name to Bronica's last name in this headcanon.)

Before we get to the kids again, I'm gonna go back to Cromdo and what can happen during divorce.

During divorce you can simply change your name back if you changed it, or keep the last name you took from your partner. Many simply change their last names back to what they were originally. Some, if they went by the half/half method, take away the half from their ex-partner only. This leaves some Grumpuses with one worded last names, such as Cromdo.

I think he changed a half of his last name during marriage. After the divorce, he didn't want to "wear" his partner's name anymore and changed his name to Cromdo Face only as Face was a part of his last name he was given at birth. This is most often the default for Grumpuses who have been divorced and took only half of their partner's last name.

If Cromdo - (or any Grumpus with a one-word last name! There's certainly rare cases of Grumpuses who have one word that didn't go through divorce. Possibly Grumpuses with bad attachment to one of their parents - so they change or remove that half of the last name they got from said parent. If their last name was a combination.) - were to re-marry he could take one half of his new partner's last name, or not change his name at all.

I want to get onto how naming a child would work with this situation, so I will talk about ways of naming children before I get back to this! And by naming I of course mean the last names only, lol.

(One rule is that, unless you change your name later in real life for any reason, it's gonna have to be one of these otherwise! Your Grump parent cannot make you up a new last name. It is just a part of the tradition they have. Though re-naming isn't looked upon in any way by the majority of Grumpuses as there are many reasons to do so!! Unless you're a jerk or you value your last name TOO much.) (Also when I say "you" I don't mean YOU as the reader literally. I mean a hypothetical Grumpus child!! It's just how I like wording things.

(...I've been writing for almost an hour, brain scrampled eg)

- Your last name is the combined name of your parent's last names. Examples: Fizzlebun, Funkbean

(VERY COMMON! Most Grumpuses will do this when first naming their child!)

- Your keep one of your parent's last name! Fizzlebean or Funkbun.

(This all works if you have multiple parents btw! Can make for SUPER crazy long and funny last names. This *all* applies to marriage, too! I hope it is easily applicable. I do not want to go in depth on that. Feel free to hit me an ask about this if you want me to explain it more in depth!! I wouldn't want to exclude polyamorous relationships ^^ )

(Also yes, last names that are just the same word repeated twice/multiple times are possible too. Fizzlefizzle, Funkfunk... How fun are these to say? Gives me Grumpus OC name ideas already.)

But yes! Back to Cromdo! Or any Grumpus in the same situation, but as I've stater earlier, Cromdo is just an example here. If he were to re-marry and NOT change his name, there's two posibilities:

His new partner has a full last name.

In this situation, if they have a child they can keep the full last name from Cromdo's partner. Or they can have one word from his partner + Face. For reasons stated below the child cannot have "Face" as their only last name.

His new partner has a one-worded, short last name like he does.

In this situation, if they have a child they have to name it a combination of their last name's. No exception. Having a short last name is a sign of something happening in your life, and it is traditionally not put onto a child, unless they are adopted with no last name. That still counts as something that happened in their life, as their birth parents possibly just gave them away with no care in the world.

------------------------------------------

At this point I am almost completely off track, so please do ask me questions as I am not sure where I completely left off - Or rather if there is something I forgot that I wanted to mention.

By the way, for combining last names and such, you can also mis-match! Doesn't even have to be combinations. This applies to everything, even for (Full last name + one-word last names) where it makes sense the most. Examples: Beanfizzle, Bunfunk, Bunbean, Bunfizzle, Beanbun, Beanfunk. I'm personally a big fan of Bunfunk and Beanbun :P)

And this applies to siblings, too! It isn't uncommon for parents naming their children mis-matched last name combinations if they have multiple ones. (This ties into my headcanon for Filbo's many siblings and that he isn't a single child. He's in a big household and has at least 2 siblings. ONE OF WHICH I want to make into an OC! This requires me to make the parents, too, but I am not so bothered about that :P)

I'm out for now, all my brain power has left me a few paragraphs ago and I've got to go eat lunch

But again I encourage people to ask me questions (If anyone was brave enough to read through this!!)

And if I got anything wrong, do let me know! I am not all-knowing and I could've missed some VERY OBVIOUS mistakes.

And sorry if the writing is wonky at times! Sometimes it is done on purpose but sometimes the fact I only pretend I know how to write + the fact English is my second language IS SHOWING

(Also I sometimes just write how I think, without much thought put into the sentence if I don't proof read, so HSDFWERGRGT)

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S5 Ep 20: Pharaoh’s Cool New Trick

Digging my way through quite a pile of commission work (funny how these things only come all at once or not at all), nearing the light at the end of the tunnel, was looking forward to some free time to catch up on my many little side projects when I was asked to take off for a weekend to do some cat-sitting to which I would NEVER say no to a cat, so like...Rip this blog I guess, we only update like once a week nowadays, but what do you do?

That’s right, play Puzzles and Dragons! The only phone game worth paying any attention to! Where they just released Pegasus on their Yugioh Collab and he looks pretty great!

So I’m just gonna take a second for some art appreciation, because the Puzzles and Dragons art team is just A++++ honestly, and yes, I did pull 13 times to get a Pegasus in my monster box, and yes, he is a completely insane team leader that is absolutely broken when paired with Yugi (the numbers are so satisfying) but...look at him. He looks so good!

(also I finally got Joey Wheeler, and so now my gatcha cravings are settled. And, don’t worry, I play this game so much that I was there during Christmas when they offered like a bajillion stones for free so I didn’t actually use real money on this.)

Now PAD also released a Weevil and Rex, and I don’t know why, and neither does the art team because they still look pretty good but in comparison to all the mains, they sure do looks like just some shorty guys in some casuals.

though I gotta admit, I want to learn how the hell this art team does swooshy effects, because man, that would make my art so much better to just have flames violently exploding out of all my art. Why am I not doing that more often? I have the technology.

anyway, I didn’t bother trying to pull them. Maybe I’ll accidentally pull them when they eventually release a Duke Devlin. (also, RIP to the fact that Roland will probably never be in Puzzles and Dragons but like...I can only send them so many polite letters covered in stickers pretending I’m some 10 year old child and writing in my broken Hiragana “Roland in PAD?”. Thems the breaks. (They also might not remember who Roland is.))

Shoutouts to the card that Weevil is holding that is censoring this nipple on the booby spider, PS.

So because this is not actually a Puzzles and Dragons blog, and it’s been ten eons since I regularly updated so I could remember episode to episode...where the hell were we?

That’s right, we’re on an island now. This show’s wonderful obsession with evil islands (and spoiler, this is one of the few Yugioh Islands that doesn’t explode at the end. Mostly because Kaiba isn’t here to do it or this place would be cinder)

(read more island stuff under the cut)

Anyway, after announcing “hey guys! Screw islands!” Yugi immediately collapses and without any warning.

Apparently the armor is a big ol parasite, which is something that Yugi is so used to at this point that he refuses to admit that this is a problem. Just normal Muto stuff, refusing to tell anyone that he has a serious illness going on underneath that giant mass of hair.

(the sailor moon vibes coming off this weird orb energy)

Sort of feels like a call back to S1 when Yugi was clearly possessed and everyone else was like “He acting weird to you?” except it’s S5 and everyone has learned to never trust Yugi when he says he’s fine and they are responding like he is about to die. Which is correct.

Outside of the cave falls this scroll that is...glowing, I guess. So they open it up and get a bunch of hieroglyphs that give them the “riddle of light” and like youknow...it’s riddle stuff.

They’re doing this riddle for “wings.” And it’s like...everyone’s monster here has a set of wings or an ability to fly. Every single monster except for I dunno, flaming swordsman? Hell, Yugi himself had two sets of wings when he fused with Dark Magician (which was weird, and I still don’t like to think about what technically was going on there.) But we have to go and get ourselves even more wings.

Weirdly, Joey turns to Tea and does something that in any other show would be completely normal. He was like “you want to stay here with Yugi, don’t you?” and it was the first time Joey has ever actually addressed the fact that Tea and Yugi are close. Uncharted territory. I was amazed at the amount of casual shipping that is happening here. It’s almost like a normal ass relationship.

So the boys decide to go off, and be boys and tackle this themselves. And they shouldn’t have, because Tea is smart for this group, and also has the only healing spell.

Like if you’re playing D+D you wouldn’t typically leave your only healer behind. Just saying.

Also like...Grandpa Muto went with them? I guess he’d have to since he’s the translator but also...kind of weird to leave your grandson dying in a cave, but maybe that’s just the Muto lifestyle.

Do not be fooled by my caps, no one has addressed the Bakura in the puzzle for 3 seasons. I’m starting to think this show will never address the Bakura in the puzzle. Which honestly, that would be hilarious if they made a big deal out of that plot point and then couldn’t use it in the end.

And speaking of plot points that kind of come out of nowhere and don’t make full sense with the continuity of the show--Joey has regressed back to the 4th grade.

Hey show? What?

So like if you love Joey, this is not the arc for you, because this arc he is reduced to a Himbo and nothing else. Straight up didn’t know what an echo is, but is very strong and pretty, I guess.

This inevitably happens with any TV show becuase different people make different parts, and I’ve brought up before that sometimes it feels like some teams only have loose post-it notes of what any character should be like at any given point (ESPECIALLY with Seto Kaiba’s timeline) but like...

...Personally I’m mot so fond of this interpretation of Joey, kind of ignores Joey’s best traits, and makes Tristan look way too smart in comparison (and like I always pinned Tristan to be the Himbo of the group, but maybe it’s because they give Tristan so little else to do?)

And like don’t get me wrong, Joey’s a dumbass a lot of the time and needs to get corrected by his pals...but...to the point he doesn’t know what an echo is? He’s a dumbass in a High School student sort of way, youknow?

Anyway, they get down to this big ravine, and they have to destroy this stone while the light passes over it. Kind of feels like a Breath of the Wild shrine quest, actually. In fact, I think Breath of the Wild recycled the shadow/sunlight pathing quest like 4 or 5 times. (I love Breath of the Wild to death but boy did they run out of ideas at the end there.)

They have to fight a glass monster and it’s kind of like...do you know the game Balls 3D? probably not, but it looked like a bunch of random shapes stuck together like a 90′s animation. They basically went to war with shapes.

Pure Himbo energy, has several pokemon, but punches for his pokemon instead of using them. A power move if I ever saw one.

Youknow that would make pokemon a lot more interesting if you could like throw out your pikachu, and then choose to just physically run up to your opponents Eevee and sock it in the jaw. Raise of hands--I know you all would love a version of pokemon like that. Let Ash Ketchum punch a Ratata.

Bro has informed me that Ash does do something like this in the anime. But I’m not talking about the anime, I’m talking about the video game. Give me the option to physically combat my rival. This is what I want, Pokemon.

They discover a way to break the monolith, and the show thinks we’re like actually 7 years old (because the show is Y7, although I forget because it deals with so many dark themes) so the show is going to hold on to this puzzle for a while...just to fill time. And it’s fine because we gotta switch over to Pharaoh anyway.

Yami has this dream again. He attempts to fuse with Dark magician to overcome the dream, but alas, he is still not strong enough.

Yugi wakes up in this murky cave while Tea is out washing out like...some rag? (he’s also still got a rag, so I guess multiple rags were required for how sweaty Yugi is.)

Yugi says “I feel like I’m a new man!” a lot in this episode, and every time he calls himself a man like he’s some sort of adult it’s very funny to me.

And then this plot lore dropped.

I mean I guess inevitably it had to happen...

But man, end of an era. It was freakin hilarious while it lasted: that Pharaoh refused to read ancient Egyptian because it’s like 2002 and he is a High Schooler living in Japan and he actually doesn’t WANT to resolve the mystery of the puzzle. Maybe the people who made this arc don’t know about how in S2 and S3, the fact Pharaoh couldn’t read Marik’s back tatt was like...a really big issue. He couldn’t read the God card, he couldn’t even read that massive tablet that read “HEY PHARAOH THIS IS LITERALLY YOU”. KAIBA had to tell him how to read the God card for him. Freakin Seto “Magic is a lie” Kaiba had to tell him how to use the God Card because Pharaoh couldn’t read it.

But like...Pharaoh finally gave in at some point after the world was devoured by the Leviathan, and before Kaiba finished building Kaibaland (which was already built in S1 but wtv)

The timelines on this show have always been a mishmash...but this one is just like...

...show are you trying to convince me that at any point in this show after season Zero, Pharaoh had any idea what he was doing? Did he sap that brain energy straight out of Joey Wheeler so he could do this?

Wow.

(secretly hoping he forgets how to read Egyptian after this arc is over and the show goes back to the other development team)

Pharaohs reasoning is that, if this is the riddle of the light.....

....then where is the riddle of darkness????????????

and when Tea was like “Pharaoh that is not even remotely logic. Omg it’s so bright outside, lets go back to gross cave.” and Pharaoh was like “Tea! You got it!” and she was like “What the hell are you talking about?”

Not gonna lie, I saw the Orichalcos green, and I got concerned.

Anyway, Yugi gets very frustrated and was like “ugh, lets go save em. They’re gonna die (again.)” and marches down there as if he didn’t pass out an hour ago.

And he fuses with Dark Magician again while everyone else (including his grandpa) was like “Yugi are you freakin kidding me? The suit freakin kills you omg! Tea you had one freakin job!”

And then we get the plot twist that...I mean it makes sense but it was choreographed in a confusing way.

And out of no where this guy shows up again:

So this mysterious man shows up and says “If you don’t succeed you have to live here forever” which...nice...that would probably save the world a lot of problems if Yami got locked away and took his OP puzzle with him. And then this man also says “if you do succeed you become VERY POWERFUL” and Yami was like. “...”

This whole episode had a theme to it, where Tristan and Joey were trying to prove that they could do things on their own and without Yugi’s help. And honestly...felt a little bit misplaced. Yami’s the same guy who murdered Yugi last season with the Orichalcos so like...

...I mean he is probably more reliable than Tristan who once died and turned into a robot monkey for 10ish episodes.

and then they flew into a glowing door.

Folks, this was wild to look at.

This is wild.

And at this point I closed Photoshop and thought I was done. But then I looked at my timeline on the video and was like...wait...there’s more?

and I’m really glad I kept watching because it went back to Alex, who...is apparently just still at those steps in this haunted ass Pyramid.

Now we’re watching Yugioh.

I forgot for a second when they turned Joey into a Himbo and made Pharaoh literate, but we’re back. I mean...

...look at the liner art on this adult man.

So...I posit the question...has Alex spent the last 2-3 episodes doing nothing but applying eyeliner to his face in the dark? Because he absolutely has. And honestly, the vibe of being in a spooky haunted pyramid with barely any light, just applying eyeliner down the edge of your face...that’s a Yugioh vibe, if I ever saw one.

This arc is wild. Anyway, next episode we do even more fetch quests and riddles? Just going to guess now that we probably will.

(and for those new here, this is a link so you can read them from the top. Which, since we’re in S5, means you got like...hours of Yugioh content to read through. Enjoy the rewards of my weird hobby.)

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

[topherfoxtrot]

Thunderbolts: The hulk's personal protection team

Hey, here's the second episode of my fanon thunderbolts. Since last episode Emil Blonsky escaped from his imprisonment. He's probably going after the Hulk, right? John, Ava, Yelena, Justin and the mysterious Contessa Valentina attend to a presentation Bruce Banner is giving at MIT to find out. This one is more comedy leaned. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just sort of happened. But I'm glag it did. If you enjoy your read please like, share or comment something :D

Valentina hated those heels but something inside of her made she wear them anyways, even on grass. She was going first and foremost. Justin Hammer was right behind her jumping in excitement and giving a lot of useless yet interesting facts about MIT lore and culture. The rest of the thunderbolts were there too. John was wearing a cap and a 5 o'clock beard. Ava was wearing a huge gray sweater as she usually did. Yelena was rocking a leather jacket. For all purposes they did look like a group of college students.

"This place is huge!" Ava looked around, "I wish I went to college."

"What would you do?" John asked.

"I don't know. Anything except quantum physics I guess!" Ava laughed.

"I knew a quantum physics guy once." Justin thought out loud.

"Yeah you knew everyone." Yelena rolled her eyes, "You told that already. We been knew."

"Hey, no need to be so harsh. Your new equipment is my property and I can reclaim them at any time, remember?"

"Oh yeah I haven't used the tasers yet. Wanna help me out with that?" Yelena smirked.

"Behave, children." Valentina intervened, "We want doctor Banner to have a good first impression about us. Specially after the Blosnky incident." She side eyed Ava.

The campus was packed with people of all ages and all around the country and possibly the whole world too. There have been a lot of workshops and seminars the whole week, but today's main event was special: Bruce Banner was gonna give a presentation on the applications of biochemistry in robotics. Apparently the robot dogs running around campus were testing an engine that doesn't need gasoline or electric energy to work.

"I've seen those dogs before." John was reading an informative folder, "I don't think building them to never sleep is a good idea."

"I have a history of dangerous applications of robotics and I agree." Justin cleaned his glasses. The microfiber cloth had his name on it. "It can get out of hand rather quickly!"

"Now that I think about it Bruce Banner also has a history of dangerous applications of robotics." Yelena pointed out, "Y'all remember Ultron?"

"Mistakes are learning opportunities. I mean, not for them I guess." Valentina sighted, "Trust me those super idiots are always making mistakes and they never learn!" She said that last part in a loud whisper.

The presentation was supposed to happen at 4pm so they got there one hour earlier as the Contessa wanted. Doctor Banner was in the auditorium already. His big hands were setting the projector and his eyes were studying the obnoxiously small papers scattered across the table. As usual, the heels Valentina was wearing announced her presence.

"Doctor Banner." She greeted him formally.

"Hello." He analyzed her quickly, "How can I help you..? And you?" He looked at the thunderbolts arriving with the Contessa.

"Well, you see." Valentina took off her sunglasses, "It might actually be the other way around. We are the ones who are here to help."

"Oh." Bruce changed his posture to pay full attention at the lady.

"We are the thunderbolts and we are here to protect you Doctor Banner."

"Protect... me?" Bruce tried to sound polite.

"We have privileged information that confirms you might be in danger, man!" Justin put himself in front of Valentina, "We don't want to scare you or anything but the Abomination scaped his imprisonment!"

Bruce's eyes opened wide suddenly. It's been fifteen years since he saw Emil Blonsky. And as time passed by he caught himself thinking about the man less and less. Now however this distant memory became an immediate danger.

"Should I cancel the..?"

"No, of course not Doctor Banner!" Valentina waved her hand as if the whole situation was nothing but a little annoyance, "You can carry on with your presentation. The Thunderbolts are here to protect you. Also, my name is Valentina Allegra de La Fontiane, Contessa Valentina de La Fontiane. It's a lot to remember I know but don't worry, I'm hard to forget."

"Okay. The.. hm, thunderbolts." He looked at the weird bunch, "Hey aren't you the new Captain America?" He asked.

John looked down and then looked to the roof real quick, "I'm not Captain America anymore." He said between his teeth.

"Yeah there's a new new Captain America now." Valentina rolled her eyes, "But that's not important now, is it? We'll just sit here and wait for the presentation to be over. How about that?"

Bruce didn't trust the team quite yet, but he trusted himself to be his own protection so it was no big deal. Still, as the thunderbolts took their sits at the end of the room, Bruce grabbed his cellphone to check if Emil was really out. There was nothing on the news or on twitter which meant that either Valentina was lying or the government was hiding this information really well. Both options were equally plausible in Bruce's eyes so he decided to roll with it.

***

When the presentation started the lights went out. Yelena, Ava, John, Justin and Valentina were sitting on the last set of chairs. At some point Valentina got up to get a phonecall. John whispered to not disturb the presentation:

"So...who is she?"

"What do you mean?" Justin asked, also quietly.

"This... Contessa. I don't know. Her." He pointed at the exit door she just left through.

"Haven't you read the card?" Ava asked.

"What card? You mean the blank card? The one with nothing written on it?"

"It was written with invisible ink." Yelena clarified.

"Invisible ink?" John couldn't believe his own words.

"John that's the oldest trick in the book." Justin seemed interested in the presentation, "Espionage 101."

"I was black ops...!" John sounded offended. Someone shushed them so they stayed in silence for a while. Ava felt bad for John though.

"It doesn't matter if you read it or not." She whispered, "It's not like there was any key information there. It was just her name and this weird lightning symbol."

"The thunderbolts!" Justin whispered back.

"So.. us?" John asked.

"That's what it seems." Yelena looked around with no sign of the Contessa, "But who are we?"

"Didn't she explain anything to you guys?" Justin asked.

"No! Did she explain anything to you?"

"I mean, no."

"What?" Ava asked a little louder than intended.

"She just said she would sponsor my projects so I was immediately on board." Justin justified himself, "I just assumed you were more into her deal than I was."

"I can't believe I fell for another pyramid scheme." Ava sighted

"Another?" John asked.

Someone shushed them again, more aggressively this time.

"Excuse me who do you think you are to shush me??" Justin whispered as loud as he could.

"Hammer, sit down!" Yelena ordered.

"Not, let's see what this fella has to say!" Justin grabbed his cellphone to use as a flashlight, but that was not necessary because the lights turned on out of sudden. The robot dogs entered the room as part of the presentation and everyone clapped and cheered at them. Justin sat down again and straighten his blazer aggressively.

The robot dogs did some flips and silly dances. Their "skin" was transparent so it was possible to see all fluids and engines working inside. Everyone was having a good time except Justin, John and Yelena. Something about the dogs and the claps made John unsettled. Yelena felt the same. They looked at each other looking for some guidance. That's when the shots were fired.

A few people from the crowd got up wearing balaclava masks and wielding machine guns. The robot dogs positioned themselves, one on each side of every seat row. The chemicals inside them started to bubble in a menacing way. A man from the first seat now in balaclava got closer to Hulk with a shotgun aimed at his head.

"Hello everyone!" The man screamed, "We are only here for the money. If everyone cooperates, no one gets hurt."

The criminals started to walk around the room with huge bags stealing rings, watches, wallets and all sorts of jewelry.

"There's twelve of them." Yelena whispered.

"How much you can take?" John analyzed the room with her.

"Without getting shot? A few. But the dogs seem to be time bombs."

"Yeah there's too many people here. We have to think this through!" Ava stated.

"Oh my god is that Ant-Man??" Justin screamed pointing at Ava's feet.

"What? Where?" Ava got up on a jump. The men started shooting at her but she phased around the bullets out of reflex. That was just the distraction Justin needed to run into the exit door Valentina went through minutes ago.

"Fucking Hammer!" Yelena grunted before jumping to the ground. A nearby dog jumped to attack her but she quickly applied a jiujitsu move that made the dog fly above her. The fluids inside the robot started to shine in a weird way. John jumped across the seats and kicked the robot to the roof where it exploded. The roof suffered some damage but no enough to fall. No one got hurt. Except the dog whose metallic remains fell onto the ground.

John landed beside Yelena to check on her. Ava made herself invisible and visible again more times than the nearest criminal could comprehend. When Ava reached him she grabbed him by the back and used him as a human shield. Her hand phased into his neck in a lethal threat.

"Nobody shoots no one and no bloody dog explodes!" She demanded.

Everyone in the auditorium hold their breath together. Bruce seemed to be having fun. Yelena and John remained on the ground watching everything in anticipation. Ava had declared a temporary negotiating time, but for how long?

Suddenly breaking the absolute silence the auditorium was emerged in music started to come out of the speakers on the wall. Even the criminals looked around confused to the sound of "U can't touch this". When MC Hammer sang the iconic 'Hammer time!' the exit door exploded and among the smoke Justin Hammer emerged with a shield, three tasers, a shotgun and bunch of flash grenades. He took his right hand to the sky to show his car keys in triumph.

"He went out to get our stuff from the car trunk." John said in denial.

"Fucking Hammer!" Yelena screamed again (with a smile this time) before running to his direction. John came right after.

The criminals started shooting at Justin, who jumped to the ground scattering everything he brought with him. Ava let go of her human shield and disappeared. Yelena grabbed her tasers and John grabbed his shield. They both got up ready for action. The criminals started shooting and John instinctively projected the shield in front of them while Yelena got closer to him.

"Hey, it even looks like we rehearsed it!" Yelena said, smiling.

John also gave her a smile. Without realizing it he offered his arm for a forearm pump like he used to do with an old friend. Yelena forearm pumped him and jumped back into action. John smiled even brighter.

What happens next is just incredible. John's shield ricochet's throughout the whole auditorium at his will. Ava phases through and disarms everyone fast. Even with no powers Yelena runs around quickly dodging bullets and immobilizing the criminals. Justin cheered for them just alright. But he also turned off the robot dogs and used some of the flash grenades when necessary.

At the end of the showdown all the criminals were gathered at the podium. Bruce scrubbed his hands with a pride smile as if he did something at all. The gesture clarified that the threat was indeed neutralized so all the people in the crowd got up and started clapping at them. Justin waved his hands with a bright smile.

"Come on guys, it's the least we could do."

"What is happening?" Ava grabbed her arms is a slight self hug.

"Don't you see?" Hulk whispered to her, "You're the heroes!"

The sentence made John move his shoulders awkwardly. We are the heroes!, He whispered to himself. Yelena giggled because she totally heard that. She grabbed one of John's hands and one of Ava's hands and curved to the crowd as if they were actors in a play. Ava and John looked at each other and decided to bound as well. The cheers went louder.

The Contessa finally came back. She looked worried.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"We are the heroes, Val!" Justin winked at her before grabbing John's shield and bound as well.

[hazbinhotelcanon]

Voxtagram posts - 16 June 2020 to 30 June 2020

These are all the “in character” posts & comments from the Helluva/Hazbin accounts that have recently been popping up on Instagram. Comments from other people aren’t included unless characters interact with them. Since Instagram doesn’t have a chronological feed & timestamps show only the date on posts older than 24 hours, I’ve listed the posts as close to chronologically as I can reconstruct.

I’ve seen tons of fans expressing annoyance/frustration at trying to keep up with these in character Instagram accounts and their new lore and plots. That’s the top reason I started this blog. If you want to see my ongoing logs of the in character Instagram posts, follow @hazbinhotelcanon​!

I’m gonna call these “Voxtagram posts” instead of “Instagram posts” because Hazbin/Helluva Hell's equivalents to our social media sites were apparently named for Vox—Voxtagram, Voogle, VoxTube, Voxcarto—so I’ll use that for the in-universe posts.

Since this is the first “Voxtagram” post, I’ve got a big disclaimer on how “canon” this material is; I’ll put it at the bottom of this post. First, the actual art!

Canon accounts featured in this post: just Blitzo (blitzorodeo) and Stolas (daddy_hoothoot).

16 June 2020

blitzorodeo Here at the stable!!! #horsethings #itwasonly5$$$$$$$$ #selfie❤️ #😈😈😈😈

17 June 2020

blitzorodeo I just cant choose what name to give my horse!! They’re just so good! Which is your favorite 🥺😈😛 #namesrhard #icantwaittowriteitdownagain

19 June 2020

blitzorodeo My horse and I went to the living world. How do you people deal with all this blue

janegumball Blitz, show us your horse blitzorodeo @janegumball 😮👏😢🙌😔 janegumball @blitzorodeo so no horse? Damn... 😔 blitzorodeo @janegumball Push pin (my horse) and i have a special relationship, you cant just ask for pictures of my horse

20 June 2020

blitzorodeo I got new riding boots!! My horse coupon 2.0 picked them out for me! :0) BT dubs, i changed my horses’ name to coupon 2.0

megan25gothiqueimmortel Youre awesome like always Blitzy blitzorodeo @megan25gothiqueimmortel 😍😍😍 yes i am good thanks 😋💖💕❤️

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Blitzō (@blitzorodeo) on Jun 20, 2020 at 1:40am PDT

blitzorodeo

Watching my favorite movie with my horse!!

#movienight🥺 #spiritismyfavmovie

blitzorodeo Maxipad and i can’t get enough of these lil iced bitches 🥰😛😋 BTdubs i renamed my horse to maxipad dont flame me 🔥🔥🔥 #icedcofee #mmmmiloveicedcoffee #donttslktomebeforeihavemycoffree

markzillow655 I feel like Blitz put some drugs in that drink blitzorodeo @markzillow655 its just iced coffee 😬

janegumball What name is on your horse’s birth certificate? blitzorodeo @janegumball 😳 thats a secret 😗❤️

watsurdamage dont tslk to me before i have my coffree probablyfakeblonde @watsurdamage leave him alone, he just wants to enjoy time with his horse watsurdamage @probablyfakeblonde what horse blitzorodeo @probablyfakeblonde 😔

21 June 2020

blitzorodeo WENT TO THE MOOOOVVVIIIEEESSSS!! 🥴 it was lame, no horses in this movie 😑👎 it suuuuxxxxxxx!!! Anyways my horses new name is nail polish #moxxiehasstinyPP #iatrtheirpopcorm #illreviewthrmovielater

lordskelecat Pics of the horse or it doesn’t exist blitzorodeo @lordskelecat YOU CANT JUST ASK FOR PICS OF MY HORSE!!! DONT FLAME ME!!! 🔥🔥🔥

blitzorodeo Throw back to last years halloween costume!!! My horse Latex glove said i should post it :0) Oh yea my horses new name is latex glove #iusedlotsofmakeuponmyhorns #andotherplaces;) #donthugmeillloosemymakeuponyou

akira282006 Isn't it in those clothes that blitzo appears in a Hazbin hotel scene?. By the way great costume👌 blitzorodeo @akira282006 i had to look fancy at the stufio 😎

markzillow655 That is awesome looking ngl blitzorodeo @markzillow655 😎🔥

22 June 2020

blitzorodeo My horse and i found this in Moxxies closet! LOOOL!!! Im pretty sure moxxie cant pull it off like Tupperware can. My horses new name is tupperware BTW🥺😎👍❤️ #bigdickenergyproblemslol #myjorsesnsmeistupperware #stolaseatmyass

radio_demon_husk He wouldn’t know about virginity after all he did sleep with stolas blitzorodeo @radio_demon_husk who the fuck is stolas

yaelgilbert He low-key kinda hot tho. blitzorodeo @yaelgilbert 😎😎😎😎😎😎😎

blitzorodeo GOD DAMN IT!! They gave me fucking HOT COFFEE!! 👿🔥 this is bullshit im about to to full karen on their asses!! BTdubs, my horses name is ICED COFFEE WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED!!! #bullshitbullshitbullshitbullshitbullshitbullshit!!!!

hellishgirly34 Do you like Moxxie xD? Spit the tea! blitzorodeo @licoholics nah he’s stinky.

23 June 2020

blitzorodeo Having my hotdog that my horse recommended. This guy wont stop talking to me. I changed my horses name to keystroke #thightuesday❤️😈 #hotdogtimeisagoodtime

yaelgilbert You gonna slurp that mustered off your lap or can I? blitzorodeo @yaelgilbert I want a happy meal first

blitzorodeo In a meeting rn, i love these filters LOL! My horse chose this filter :0) Their name is now snimmer~ #moxxieisatotalbabe #thattaghas100+onit #proovesmoxxieisbaby #:)😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

janegumball Snimmer is a dumb name 👎 blitzorodeo @janegumball 🔥👿👎🔥

blitzorodeo Feeling cute today, calling my horse on an old clamshell phone! 😈❤️🌟#foundthisoldshotinaboxlol #missusingmyclalmshells

daddy_hoothoot My eyes have been blessed to see my dear Blitzy like this! You’re always so adorable.

bryan_fedrix what's the horse's name now? blitzorodeo @bryan_fedrix THANK YOU FOR ASKING, the name is shrinkwrap

25 June 2020

daddy_hoothoot Octavia said I needed an instagram account and surprised me this morning. Am I doing this right? #nofilter #wokeuplikethis

blitzorodeo 👎 daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo Oh, Blitzy, you know you love seeing this in the morning❤️❤️❤️ blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot 😔 not a horse

blitzorodeo 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

edwar_17_art Birb father daddy_hoothoot @edwar_17_art I’m not quite sure what a “birb” is but I am indeed a father. And a very proud one at that.

boiled_trash Daddy hoot hoot? Can you be my daddy~? daddy_hoothoot @boiled_trash I’m sorry, I already have a daughter

blitzorodeo Stolas came over and asked for my horse cook but snowcone (my horse) isn’t interested. 🥴👿😑

blitzorodeo BTW my horse is a master chef 🔥

daddy_hoothoot My, what a lovely pair of legs those are!

blitzorodeo At the pool with my horse! We both have pool floaties we stole from some kid together 🥺🔥😈

daddy_hoothoot Oh! You’re in the pool? blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot ................................. no........................... boiled_trash @karlaanimatesyt stolas is bout to join him karlaanimatesyt @boiled_trash Not it I get there first and stop him! 🤠 It’s our job to protect blitzo >:0!! blitzorodeo @karlaanimatesyt finally i have a human shield jaquiialeworld @daddy_hoothoot Stolas, I know how to make blitzo surrender to you, give him a horse blitzorodeo @jaquiialeworld i already have a horse 👎

wolf.nerd.geek Also Blitzo is so cute that face he is making can you send me a link to this pic please blitzorodeo @wolf.nerd.geek this is my selfie 😑🔥

thorns521 How do you feel about Stolas’s new account Blitzø? blitzorodeo @thorns521 I can never post a thigh pic again... daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo Don’t let me get in the way of you showing the world those hot thighs 😉

vinfer8 Who took the picture? 🤔 blitzorodeo @vinfer8 obviously my horse

boiled_trash What does your horse’s pool float look like? blitzorodeo @boiled_trash looks like a dragon 🐉

karlaanimatesyt Wow.... :0 What’s your horses name today? :D I’m interested!! blitzorodeo @karlaanimatesyt pool noodle 😎

nightmurr 🥺💕 you have such a cute little smile i- blitzorodeo @nightmurr 😎

princess_.ee Whats your horses name? blitzorodeo @princess_.ee FINALLY SOMEONE ASSKKED. Its Noodle, pool noodle

26 June 2020

daddy_hoothoot I spy a cutie 😈🥰 @blitzorodeo

pipunpkin i spy a SIMP daddy_hoothoot @pipunpkin If a “SIMP” means Sexy Imp then yes

watsurdamage Suspiciously with no horse... 👀 blitzorodeo @watsurdamage he went to use the bathroom obviously watsurdamage @blitzorodeo obviously boiled_trash @blitzorodeo where’s his pool float then??? watsurdamage @boiled_trash @blitzorodeo I think they’ve got you there blitz daddy_hoothoot @watsurdamage no one needs to pick on my Blitzy. If he says there was a horse there, there was a horse there.

blitzorodeo New icon fr da newme (My horse, typo, wrote that for me)

daddy_hoothoot 😘

maro.drawings blitzo your photos are always beautiful 👌💖 but I need to ask you something .... how much does a domicile murder cost? blitzorodeo @maro.drawings you have to get a consultation if you want a priiicceeeee 🔥

blitzorodeo So.. Remember, bushes are great places to hide... my horse, dixxie cup, hid in the bush next to me #hidingforgoodreasonslol #itskindafunnybutalsonotbecauseimstuckinabush #updatelateronthebushsituation

daddy_hoothoot Oh dear

janegumball Dixie Cup is a dumb dumb name 👎 horse name 0/10 blitzorodeo @janegumball DONT FLAME MEEEEE!!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥

sirnasteryg87 is your horse okay? (´；д；`) blitzorodeo @sirnasteryg87 dixie cup is doin just fine, were both hiding in the

27 June 2020

blitzorodeo ok update, I was able to escape the bushes and I got an iced coffee, I'm fine looooool. My horse (named latex glove) also got one too. I think we'll come here more often to get coffeeeee #tastyasfuckman #iloveicedcoffeeitstasty

daddy_hoothoot Hope you’re enjoying the living world, Blitzy! Can’t wait to see you when you get back! blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot yea yea....

maichyartnoodles You look like you are doing an Ahegao, wtf?! blitzorodeo @maichyartnoodles weeb

thesydinator Just add some beta blockers with that iced coffee, and bam: you’re completely hammered blitzorodeo @thesydinator now THAT sounds like an idea 😎😎😍😍

ant_arts_entertainment I love horses blitzorodeo @ant_arts_entertainment this guy gets me

king_leb72 Damn why were you in the bushes blitzorodeo @king_leb72 i have my motives, im a pro

blitzorodeo This is the piñata that reminded me of moxxie LOL. Tortilla chip (my horse) said to give it to mills, I think she’d love it 🤣😈

daddy_hoothoot It’s cute but not quite as cute as a certain imp I know 😏 😈 angelmadefromhell @daddy_hoothoot Moxxie? daddy_hoothoot @angelmadefromhell Which one of the little ones are they? blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot Just remember our agreement and you can call me whatever you want... ill see you at 8 daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo Can’t wait! 😘

janegumball You took my name suggestion. If you change it again I’m afraid I’m gonna have to report your account. blitzorodeo @janegumball wtffff!!!!!

daddy_hoothoot Had myself a bit of a spook. Still not quite used to this phone. #dadprobs 🦉

blitzorodeo Use a filter daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo I’ll keep that in mind for next time

hellishgirly34 Stolas, why Blitzo was hiding in a bush? daddy_hoothoot @bluepatata I’m not quite sure. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up.

daddy_hoothoot Got to spend the day with Octavia. 💖🖤#prouddad #saturdaysaremadefordads

ballora_x Wait, I have a good question, how can you're daughter hear everything in the Headsets wale she doesn't have ears? daddy_hoothoot @ballora_x we’re in Hell, dear. Living world logic doesn’t apply.

ricardo_silis_garcia_ I came to ask for your daughter's hand daddy_hoothoot @ricardo_silis_garcia_ not my hand to give. Besides she’s far too young for matrimony.

28 June 2020

blitzorodeo I drew a picture of msyulef as a horse :) im such a a creative guy!! my given horse name from my horse (Renamed to flavor dust) is blitzo2. if you translate it it's whIIIINNENEEE nay bRRRRRR HEEERRGH. #whatsyourhorsiename #stolasdontotinteract

blitzorodeo Im such a good artist boiled_trash @blitzorodeo you’re not a good artist, you’re an amazing one! blitzorodeo @boiled_trash 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍YOURE 👏 RIGHT👏👏👏

daddy_hoothoot You’re always so talented with your hands, Blitzy!

sugar.weaver My horse name is Tiny Whore - or Horse... I'm not fluent yet and they're pretty similar sounds... In horse that's PBBBF.. NNNEEHHHHHEH BPFF! BPFF! (The exclamation points are important to the translation) blitzorodeo @sugar.weaver i liked this 3 times. Your horse name is perfect PBBBF NNNNNEEEHHHEH BPPFF BPFFF, fucking amazing sugar.weaver @blitzorodeo Thank you so much, whIIIIINNENEEE nay bRRRRRR HEEERRGH, but you forgot my exclamation points and called me Clammy Ankles 😔😔😔 blitzorodeo @sugar.weaver i was being informal but ill remember next time 😔

momgimmeoreo How did you learn how to draw, Blitz? blitzorodeo @momgimmeoreo im just talented

beetle.ghosts omg you're so talented blitzorodeo @beetle.ghosts ❤️❤️❤️😍❤️😍❤️❤️❤️😍😍❤️❤️😍😍

andonijean Oh wow! This is a piece of art! I'll give you one hundred of apples for it~ blitzorodeo @andonijean WOW GIMMUE APPLE

aateabee Gosh, I wish my art was as good as yours, Blitzo. I feel unworthy when I look at your art. blitzorodeo @aateabee ❤️😎❤️😎❤️😎❤️😎❤️😎😎😎

aitesound666 I Love you art，will you draw moxxie as a horse? blitzorodeo @aitesound666 i should....!!!!!

karlaanimatesyt Blitzo! >:0 I LOVE YOUR ART, YOU ARE SUCH A GODDESS! Will you ever do more art? :D I would love to see some more! blitzorodeo @karlaanimatesyt wow.... yes... ill post more art 😍😍❤️😍❤️

boiled_trash Love your art, Blitzo! Have you considered doing commissions? blitzorodeo @boiled_trash im thinjing of opening them soon :)

kaldraws8280 Oh you should hang it on moxxies fridge! I bet hed love it! blitzorodeo @kaldraws8280 hed better....

leoleochleoleo you draw yourself as a horse because you like to lay on your fours for the old owl 7u7? blitzorodeo @leoleochleoleo FIRST OF ALL. Im a top, and second, i draw myself as a horse because its my SPIRIT animal >:(

blitzorodeo Some requests!! You guys really like my art 😋 i worked really hard on moxxies horsiebdrawing. He doesnt HAVE a horse name. Its just moxxie. My red crayon ran out i only had blue dont flame me preps

daddy_hoothoot 💖💖💖💖💖💖🥺!!! blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot its from that time you choked on a rat bone 🦴 daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo I still absolutely adore it! daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo There’s only one bone I enjoy choking on 😏 blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot STOLAS

megadoomed Do you take constructive criticism blitzorodeo @megadoomed no

nightmurr AN ART GOD 😳😳 blitzorodeo @nightmurr 😎🔥 i am really good at art

aitesound666 I think you deserve this 🙌🙌👏👏👏 blitzorodeo @aitesound666 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

useful.crew.too Your drawings and pictures bring me such joy!! blitzorodeo @useful.crew.too 😍❤️

mr_unknown15632 Your art work is amazing not gonna lie, the second drawing looks exactly like moxxie blitzorodeo @mr_unknown15632 doesnt it??????? 🙌🙌🙌

whereareallmyenchiladas honestly at this point put “artist” in ur bio🥺 ur art is way too good to not be recognized blitzorodeo @whereareallmyenchiladas so right

29 June 2020

blitzorodeo My horse, who i renamed to smart phone, said I should wear sunglasses. I trust my horses opinion :} #sunglassesonfunsout #ifuckinglovewearingsunglassesyoucantseewhatimthinking #galaxybrainzriseup

bootyprince damn u single bb? blitzorodeo @bootyprince always up for a good time 😎

aateabee Where’d you get the glasses from? I’d really like a pair like that! blitzorodeo @aateabee at my local sunglasses hut

blitzorodeo stolas sent me this picture earlier... not sure what he was trying to do but i think the camera went off after he posed.

daddy_hoothoot Oh! This is embarrassing. blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot 🤧

bootyprince send him one back blitzorodeo @bootyprince maybe i will....... blitzorodeo @blitzorodeo NOT daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo 🥺

blitzorodeo just saw Antz... Z reminds me WAAYYY too much of Moxxie... #pleaseshutuppleaseshutup

daddy_hoothoot I always feel amazing after a good preening 🦉❤️ #fluffyisthebest

blitzorodeo I came back for my left glove thats all 🔥🔥 daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo If you want to come by for the other one, we can watch one of those horse movies you enjoy 🐴

blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot ............... spirit........ ill bring my VHS but NOTHING FUNNY daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo I’ll get popcorn!

30 June 2020

daddy_hoothoot Movie night with Blitzy! 😈🦉🍿

blitzorodeo SPIRIT IS A VERY EMOTIONAL MOVIE

deparkjimin COUPLE GOALS.! They should get married now.❤️❤️❤️ blitzorodeo @deparkjimin we are NOT A couple! saquesealchingada @blitzorodeo That's what everyone says, what do you say Stolas? daddy_hoothoot @saquesealchingada I... It’s complicated

leoleochleoleo I thought that old man didn't know how to use netflix 0: daddy_hoothoot @leoleochleoleo Blitzy brought a VHS

mistress_of_insanity Are ya watchin' porn or somethin'? 👀🔥 blitzorodeo @mistress_of_insanity 👎👎👎👎👎 NO ITS SPIRIT

natycolrange OhHH we can Finaly see the Horse!! 🌟🌟 blitzorodeo @natycolrange its just a horse figurine, my horse went to the shitter

blitzorodeo I went to Mcdonalds and Mccucked this human womans wife lol. My horse said it was my charms and my daddy fingers. too bad I'm wild and free babybeeee #ihadamcflurryandlarrrggeeefries #cantfuckintamemeimfree #likespiritthehorse

daddy_hoothoot Oh...

trysteropup Need an imp with daddy fingers in my life blitzorodeo @trysteropup this is my absolute favorite comment

mr_unknown15632 My main question is, what’s your horses name? blitzorodeo @mr_unknown15632 THANK YIU FOR ASKINGGGG!!! Thr name is flame proof, cuz nobody can burn this biatch

hat_flap Hey Daddy Finger blitzorodeo @hat_flap hey baby maker

yaelgilbert At least return her horse frame to her. blitzorodeo @yaelgilbert NO.

probablyfakeblonde STOP STEALING MY SHIT!!! YOULL NEVER BE LIKE SPIRIT blitzorodeo @probablyfakeblonde DONT FLAME ME JUST CUZ I HAVE DADDY FINGERS AND YOU DONT! watsurdamage @blitzorodeo @probablyfakeblonde I mean he’s right blitzorodeo @watsurdamage @probablyfakeblonde cucked again probablyfakeblonde @watsurdamage @blitzorodeo honey please don’t do this, he’s already stolen my beautiful framed horse picture, I can’t lose you too 🥺 blitzorodeo @probablyfakeblonde its mine now, and im wild and free, cant tame me watsurdamage @blitzorodeo @probablyfakeblonde you heard him, like Miley he can’t be tamed

daddy_hoothoot A pleasant afternoon tea with my wife 😢

daddy_hoothoot Sorry, I meant to put 😌

aitesound666 Ok，a question。Who took the picture?😮 daddy_hoothoot @aitesound666 Butler

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Blitzō (@blitzorodeo) on Jun 30, 2020 at 1:46am PDT

blitzorodeo I tried animating and it’s sucks

janegumball Everyone in the comments is trying to spare your feelings, and you know it blitzorodeo @janegumball i think ur just jealous thet im amazing

blitzorodeo Loonie and I went out to the city! my horse Dominator got us there! :) #horseinthecityha #betterthanataxiiii #itfuckinfreeeee

daddy_hoothoot How cute, Blitzy! Perhaps someday we can arrange a little play date. I think our daughters would very much enjoy it. blitzorodeo @daddy_hoothoot Loona might be a little too old to do play dates.. daddy_hoothoot @blitzorodeo it’s more of an expression than an actual play date, Blitzy. I simply think they may get along.

bootyprince she looks just like u blitzorodeo @bootyprince the resemblance is uncanine

And that’s all the June posts!!

So! Since this is the first Voxtagram post, lemme include the big ol’ disclaimer that’s going to apply to all of these posts: we don’t yet know how canon these accounts are.

This is why they’re broadly accepted as canon: as far as I have been able to track back (correct me if you know better & have a source!), the first of these accounts, Blitzo’s, was found by fans because Vivzie followed it when it was brand new. Since then, new accounts have been discovered as they follow/interact with each other. Some official artists have interacted “in character” with the accounts. The accounts accurately announced when the “Addict” music video was going to come out, and some art posted before “Addict” used imagery that was also used in the music video. So either the accounts are definitely made by the canon creators or else being made by somebody who’s got inside access to the creators.

But, as far as I have seen, nobody on the Hazbin crew has taken credit for running them. More importantly, nobody has said how canon the blogs are. Maybe every image/word posted by these accounts is 100% accurate/canonical; or maybe the art is canon but the roleplaying in the comments is noncanon goofy fanservice; etc. We don’t know yet. It appears safest to say these accounts are probably mostly canon—but take it with a grain of salt.

So until we’re directly informed how canon the Voxtagram accounts are, Voxtagram posts are going to be tagged “#semi canon” (the same tag I’ll be using for stream transcripts) to indicate that it appears to be info coming from the creators, but it may or may not still be canon/accurate by the time the full shows and comics are released.

[infinite-xerath]

Runeterra Retcons 4: Varus

Unlike the other Champions I’ve covered, Varus’s history is surprisingly straightforward. He was released all the way back in 2012 and, as far as I can recall, was the first Champion to ever receive any sort of major promotional material in the form of a short comic. He’s very straight-forward in both concept and design: a man willing to sell his soul, his very humanity, for revenge on the people who took everything from him. Given that this was before Kalista was added to the game, Varus had little choice but take matters into his own hands by bargaining with a vaguely-defined Eldritch being who would give him the power he needed in exchanged for taking over his body.

Original lore here

Varus’s lore is a very traditional revenge story, albeit with a slightly interesting twist in that he is the maker of his own tragedy. Varus opted to place his duty over the well-being of family and, in the process, was unable to even TRY to protect them while his village was being reduced to burning rubble. Out of grief and rage Varus turned to bargaining with the very entity he fought so hard to keep confined now that he no longer has anything to lose.

I and many others liked Varus’s story, and to be honest, Riot could have honestly just kept him more-or-less the same when they updated him post-retcon. Just remove the mention of the League and maybe better-define what the black flames were, and you’d be good. In fact, Riot technically did the former, as his second lore is basically identical save for removing any mention of the League of Legends.

Now, it’s at this point that things start to get a little more complicated. Now, if you want a more comprehensive breakdown of the Darkin and their history, I advise you go check out the part centered around Aatrox and his long and convoluted history, but tldr: the Darkin were a race of beings of whom only five remained, and it was later confirmed with Rhaast that they’re specifically a race of living weapons with the ability to possess whoever wields them. Now, while Varus was specifically possessed by an ominous black flame called Pallas, many drew parallels between him and the other Darkin characters, especially since Varus’s also seemed to be alive.

Given that the flames were never really elaborated on or given a proper origin story, Riot decided that it would probably be best to just go ahead and retcon Varus into being a Darkin as well, and nobody had any real qualms with this. It was a common fan theory for years, so why not? Just change the story a bit so that the flames were actually just a Darkin bow all along and boom, you’ve pretty-much done all you needed to properly fit Varus into the new post-reboot Runeterra.

Well, apparently Riot did not feel this way, as it was with Varus’s 2017 retcon that they decided to finally give fans a proper origin story for who and what the Darkin were. That origin story goes a little something like this.

Alright, so Varus is now an alien. They decided to make Varus himself the Darkin, rather than the man who would later claim the bow. OK, that’s fine. I mean, the whole alien thing is kinda weird and still very vaguely explained, but again, my full thoughts on the history of the Darkin as a whole can be seen in the Aatrox analysis. What I think is most important here is that Riot made an attempt, however sloppy, to explain who and what the Darkin were and finally give context to why Aatrox and Rhaast are such big threats to the world.

Now, it’s the next change that got a lot of controversy around it. Rather than just change the name of the Ionian guard who let Varus possess him, the guy who lost his family to the Noxian invasion, Riot decided to replace him with a pair of entirely new characters: Valmar and Kai, a duo of gay Ionian hunters.

Now, I’m just gonna get this out of the way: I’ve got no real qualms about gay relationships in media. Hell, we have a few LGBT Champions in the game already, and even some in the broader expanse of the world. My main gripe comes from the introduction of Valmar and Kai themselves, and how they’re just sort of these… Nothing characters. I mean, in the first lore, we knew who Varus was. We may not have known him well, but we could at least get a general sense of his character: he was proud of his skill, committed to the duty given to him even at the risk of his family, but ultimately succumbed to grief and rage when his decision caused him to lose everything he held dear. Varus was a good man warped by the loss of his home and loved ones, and that made him a fairly compelling character.

Valmar and Kai are… Two gay hunters. That’s it. That’s literally all we know about them from the bio alone. I mean, yes, Riot released a comic to further expand on these characters, but if your answer to the questions raised in your story are “go and read this extra supplementary material for context,” that’s… A problem.

On the topic of supplementary material, Riot also released a music video about Varus. It’s… OK. I personally don’t care much for the song but the visuals alone are really well-done. It’s supposed to detail the conflict between Valmar, Kai and Varus, but most of the context behind it is explained in the comic and short story.

Honestly, Varus’s retcon is kind of baffling. I mean, he didn’t receive a visual rework, his kit remained pretty-much the same as it’s always been, and he doesn’t even have any new voice lines in-game to indicate that he’s three different guys all stuck in one body. In fact, people who play him in-game without reading the lore probably wouldn’t ever be able to guess as much. Riot went to so much effort promoting Varus’s lore update with a music video, a new bio, a new color story, and a three-part comic, but they really haven’t changed anything about him in the game itself. They put more effort into him than they do for most ACTUAL Champion VGU’s. So… Why?

Admittedly, this is where I’m going to delve a bit into conspiracy theory territory, but I genuinely believe this is a case of Riot trying to push League’s first openly queer relationship. Seriously, Valmar and Kai are the first time a character in League has been confirmed gay IN THE LORE ITSELF and not just through a random tweet. Now, the word “pandering” gets thrown around a lot these days, and I don’t really like to use it, but it really does feel like Valmar and Kai were added JUST to have a confirmed gay couple in the lore.

The fact that they’re not even acknowledged IN THE GAME ITSELF really makes the whole thing feel like an attempt to just appeal to the LGBT crowd, though I’ve seen plenty of people in that community react… Less than positively to the portrayal. I mean, two gay guys are literally trying to hold back a corruptive, even influence with the power of love. I don’t wanna delve too much into the political side of things here, but that’s honestly about as cliché and stereotypical as you can get. Fans in general were extremely displeased that the man they knew as Varus, this genuinely tragic figure from the original lore, was replaced by two guys who’s only defining character trait is how much they apparently love each other.

Apparently, these complaints came through loud and clear, as Riot would update Varus one final time after deciding to retcon the whole alien plotline. So, let’s have a look at how his current, canon bio handles him.

Alright, well… Riot heard the complaints, but whether or not they fixed him is another matter. It seems like they tried to give Varus back his original origin story, basically making the archer we new from his first bio Shuriman. The problem is that there’s significantly less context for him now; we don’t know anything about his family, we don’t know why the temple he’s guarding is so important, and the story never even explicitly states that his family died!

I guess it’s implied because the Ascended acknowledged his “sacrifice,” though him being rewarded by becoming a demigod doesn’t quite have the same impact as exchanging his life and soul for a shot at revenge. On top of that, Varus seems pretty quick to give up on the whole “sacred duty” thing, despite the story claiming that being the thing he “he held above all else.” It all feels like a botched effort to mix his original bio with the new Ascended lore that Riot tied in with the Darkin.

Then, of course, there’s Valmar and Kai, who are… Still just gay hunters. They haven’t been expanded on at all. They helped drive the Noxians off from their home, Kai was apparently wounded, and Valmar decides that dipping his lover in an ominous pool of evil to save his life is a bad idea. Seriously, the bio states that they “inadvertently” freed Varus, but there was nothing accidental about it! There was no bargain, they weren’t tricked, it was literally just one guy making a stupid decision that got him fused with his lover and an ancient evil being.

Also, can we address the fact that Varus still wants to avenge the destruction of his race? Who does he want to avenge? The other Ascended? The Ascended who literally warred with each other for centuries? The same Ascended that HE FOUGHT AGAINST during the civil war for control of Shurima? Did Riot just… Forget that he’s not an alien anymore in that brief paragraph? They stated earlier that he was a cruel, merciless killer who just went to slaughter whoever he was told to slaughter, so for some reason I don’t feel like he’d care all that much about his “race” being felled. Oh, and there’s also still the unnamed warrior queen, who I THINK is meant to be a precious Aspect of the Sun? It’s never really stated in the bio itself.

Alright, enough ranting. Varus’s current lore suffers from one major fault: it is trying way too hard to tell several stories all at once. It tells the story of Varus as a human, Varus as an Ascended, Varus as a Darkin, the “story” of Valmar and Kai, and how they got fused with Varus. The writers tried way too hard to cram everything into a single bio and, as a result, nothing is elaborated on. Nothing is really explained, we don’t get to know the characters who are involved in the gestalt entities now known as Varus, and reason for his current existence AS a gestalt entity are just kinda silly, if we’re being honest.

So, how can we fix this? I admit: this was a tough one. There were a lot of different directions I could go when rewriting Varus’s lore, but I decided to take the Kayn approach, where the human host in the focus of the bio. Originally, I did have a whole bio written out for Varus and how he became an Ascendant, but I ultimately realized that I was going to run into the same issue Riot did: trying to cram way too much into a single character overview. So, instead, I chose to focus in more on the story of Valmar and Kai, and how the Darkin Bow was freed after ages of confinement. Without any further ado, please enjoy.

For years, the Darkin Bow has remained confined within the Ionian city of Pallas. The bow’s true nature has long been lost to time, though legends say it holds the spirit of an ancient god from a vast desert land. Others claim that the bow itself is something much older and viler than history itself dares to remember. Whatever the truth may be, the people have Pallas have guarded the bow for generations, choosing only their most skilled warriors from the task. Among them, none seemed better-suited for the task than Kai and Valmar.

Kai and Valmar were inseparable since they were children. Kai, a prodigy marksman, was known for his sense of humor and fierce resolve. Though infamous for his pranks, Kai would never hesitate to step in and defend someone in need, no matter how poorly the odds stood in his favor. By contrast, Valmar had trained in the ways of swordsmanship since he was old enough to grip a blade. Diligent and studious, Valmar was what many considered a model samurai in the making, yet he was also unendingly curious about the world and the many wonders it held.

At a glance, Kai and Valmar seemed near-total opposites, yet the two formed an unbreakable bond from the day they met. Kai would often accompany Valmar to explore the surrounding wilderness, only for Valmar to shelter Kai whenever one of his pranks went awry. As each boy matured, mastering the bow and blade respectively, their bond became something deeper than simple friendship. Valmar was a part of Kai, and Kai a part of Valmar. Neither was complete without the other, and so it came as little surprise that when Valmar was chosen to guard the Temple of the Bow, Kai soon followed.

Together, Valmar and Kai drove off many would-be thieves seeking to claim the cursed weapon’s power as their own. The two fought as one, each arrow from Kai’s bow in perfect sync with every swing of Valmar’s blade. Eventually, they came to be known as the Locust and Mantis, for the whirring of Kai’s arrows and the elegance of Valmar’s blade. It was believed that none could stand up to their combined might… Until the Noxians came.

From their post at the temple, Valmar and Kai watched in horror as the invaders stormed their home, setting fires and killing anyone who dared to stand in their way. For the first time, two warriors found themselves at odds; Kai wished to help defend the people of Pallas, but Valmar insisted on protecting the temple. In the end, neither had much choice in the matter, for the Noxians soon had them cornered on the temple steps.

Valmar and Kai fought for hours, their combined might slowly waning against the invaders’ onslaught. Kai’s strength was the first to give out, yet before death could reach him, Valmar stepped in the way to shield his partner from the blow of a Noxian axe. Kai watched in horror as Valmar fell to the ground, lifeless. Enraged, Kai fired all the arrows he had left before taking up Valmar’s sword, slaying the Noxian forces assaulting the temple. Even still, he knew it would not be long before more came, seeking to claim the forbidden bow.

In that moment, Kai heard a voice calling to him from within the temple. It promised him vengeance and the strength to fight back. Driven by rage and grief, the wounded archer let the voice guide him inside, just as more Noxian invaders began their ascent up the temple’s stairs. It was there, in the darkness, that Kai at last set eyes upon the cursed weapon he and Valmar spent years protecting: a bow thrumming with unearthly power. Kai hesitated for only a moment before grasping the bow, letting its power wash over him.

Kai’s mind was filled with images and thoughts not his own: a vast desert empire, a man made a god, betrayal, war, and finally, imprisonment. These were the memories of Varus, an Ascended being who devoted his life to serving Shurima, only to be abandoned in his time of need. His bitterness and hatred had summoned the Darkin Bow, granting Varus the opportunity to seek revenge on those who had wronged him. In the end, Varus was sealed within the bow, becoming one with it… And now, he would become one with Kai as well.

As Varus’s memories filled Kai’s mind, the Darkin’s power corrupted his body. Varus prepared to usurp Kai’s form entirely, but to his surprise, the Ionian’s drive for vengeance matched his own. Kai was prepared to give anything to avenge Valmar, his fallen half, yet he would do so with his own hands rather than entrust the task to a fallen god.

Even as their minds fought, the archers’ new, fused body moved on pure instinct. One by one, the Noxian forces in Pallas were felled by crimson arrows born of pure malice. Seeing the corpses of his kinsmen and the ruins of his home only fueled Kai’s rage, which in-turn empowered the Darkin in his grasp. Finally, the two archers came to an agreement as the Noxians fled: Varus would lend Kai his strength, in exchange for the Ionian’s body once Kai’s vengeance was complete.

Now on borrowed time, Kai has but one objective: to find and kill everyone he holds responsible for the destruction of his home and the death of his partner. To Varus, however, the destruction of Noxus is but the first step toward a much larger goal: revenge against the gods who betrayed him, and the world that sealed him away…

So, that’s my take on Varus’s lore. Now, the first thing you’ll probably notice is that I only have one of the lovers being possessed. Frankly, I felt that this was probably the best direction to go with; Riot still hasn’t updated Varus in any meaningful way to include Valmar and Kai in any of his voice lines, and something tells me that, being owned by a certain Chinese company, they probably never will. Given the circumstances, I figured it was probably best to give him a backstory more befitting of his in-game voice lines, which still portray Varus as a man on borrowed time who’s giving what little he has left in pursuit of vengeance.

Even so, I decided to try my hand at fleshing out Valmar and Kai. The first thing I did was change them from random hunters to trained soldiers tasked with guarding the temple. This not only harkens back to Varus’s original lore, but it also gives them more of a reason to stand their ground against the Noxian invaders. I also wanted to flesh out their personalities a little more, because I’ll be completely honest: I legitimately couldn’t remember which one was which even after skimming back through the comic. I forgot that Kai was the one who was injured in the original story, not Valmar, but quite frankly it matters so little given how poorly their characters are fleshed out.

Now, as for Varus himself… Well, like I said: I did have a whole bio written out for him that ties into the new Darkin lore I introduced in my Aatrox analysis, but I decided to focus the story more on Valmar and Kai and only have that backstory briefly alluded to. A tad disappointing, I know, but hey, it’s still more than what we learned about Rhaast from Kayn’s bio.

So, that was Varus, the Arrow of Retribution, otherwise known as Riot’s botched attempt at LGBT representation. He’s a far cry from what he started out as, and yet, hilariously, he’s really not on account of them still not updating anything about him in-game. In that respect, the Varus you play as in League isn’t really even the same character(s) presented in the lore. While I still firmly believe that his backstory never needed to be changed so drastically in the first place, I least wanted to present the potential that this direction held, and how badly the opportunity was squandered.

Oh well. At least the music video still looks nice.

[the-big-nope]

While I’m certainly nowhere near ready for the story of the Mighty Nein to come to an end, I am also a D&D nerd and there’s a new sourcebook coming out soon with a bunch of new subclasses in it. By the time Campaign 3 of Critical Role gets underway, that book will be published, leaving a wealth of new options for the cast members to choose from, so why not entertain myself by making barely justified predictions of what the cast is most likely to pick for their next characters! (Disclaimer: Some of the new subclasses have been confirmed and some haven’t, so for a few of these picks I’m just going off of what I think is going to be in the book).

Travis

Cleric (Tempest Domain): Travis has been playing lowkey EMT since campaign one, and Laura’s already confirmed that Travis almost went cleric for campaign two. Between Grog with his barb-boosted movement speed to get around the battlefield so he could shove healing potions into his squishier teammates, and Fjord multiclassing into paladin and lovingly tapping his friends with single hit points to get them back up, it would be delightful to see him fully jump in and embrace the classical healer role. Of course, this is Travis, so I don’t see him picking a cleric domain that doesn’t allow for at least some whoop-ass, and Tempest Domain brings plenty of it. You get proficiency with all armor and weapons, Divine Strike at level 8 for boosted melee damage, you can use a reaction to inflict lightning or thunder damage against any enemy within melee range that’s hit you. And if you climb up high enough in levels, you gain a flying speed equal to your walking one whenever you’re outdoors. Pretty nifty, and makes for a fitting subclass for a guy that’s voiced Thor on multiple occasions.

Blood Hunter (Order of the Lycan): I mean, come on. The only reason it isn’t number one is that it was already widely assumed this would be Travis’s pick for campaign two, and I wouldn’t put it past him to surprise us again. But still, we saw him get a taste in Liam’s one shot and he was clearly having the time of his life. Besides, we lost Molly far too early to really see the blood hunter’s potential come to life; it would be damn cool to see someone else take a crack at it, and Travis is enough of a D&D gambler to not shy away from the class’s riskier features.

Artificer (Armorer): Speaking of Marvel connections, if Travis doesn’t lean toward fantasy Thor, then fantasy Iron Man might catch his attention instead. Artificer is an official class now, and since it’ll be reprinted in TCoE by the time campaign 3 gets underway, it’ll be a lot more visible as an option. The Armorer sits in almost a perfect middle ground of what Travis has done before: tanky and a frontliner, but also still has spells and tricks to help the party. Plus, you get a badass suit of power armor out of it. What’s not to like?

Marisha

Bard (College of Creation): After Hazel Copperpot, we all saw the pure magic that was Marisha Ray playing a bard. I know she implied that Hazel was supposed to be her campaign two backup character, but I hope this doesn’t discourage her from making another one. There are quite a few bard subclasses, a number of which I could see her being drawn to (Lore, Glamour, maybe even Swords), but I really vibe with the idea of Creation. I can’t exactly say why; maybe the idea of the ‘dancing object’ feature in Marisha’s hands is very funny to me (remember Keyleth’s adorable “Be Our Guest” moment? That, but this time it’s a walking wardrobe beating the shit out of the enemy).

Paladin (Oath of Vengeance/Conquest): As of yet, no one on Critical Role has ever played a paladin from the start, only multiclassed later down the line. I think this would be a cool departure for Marisha. Both campaigns she’s played characters that were either suspicious or at least indifferent to faith and the gods. Paladins are typically associated with deities, but they’re not tied quite so closely to them as clerics are. It would be fascinating to see what she did with it. As for the subclass, I just think Marisha’s earned her turn on the Goth Character Carousel, and while I know Conquest paladin is very unlikely given its moral grayness by default which might cause undue conflict and that Vengeance is a much more likely and acceptable pick, I just think it would be a sexy character choice. 

Wizard (Bladesinger/Graviturgist): This is a much more pie-in-the-sky, wishful thinking pick on my end, but not impossible imo. Marisha has experience with heavy spellcasting already, so she probably wouldn’t shy away from a wizard, but like Travis I suspect she likes a bit of oomph to her characters, and probably wouldn’t play as support heavy as Caleb does. To that end, Bladesingers get a bit more survivability and some modicum of physical prowess alongside their spells, while Graviturgists are definitely on the more aggressive side of the spectrum for wizard subclasses, with unique dunamancy spells to boot. I’m not sure how restrictive Matt would be about Xhorhassian characters in the next campaign if it takes place on another continent, but hey, you never know. Plus, she picked one of Matt’s homebrew subclasses for the current campaign; it would be cute if it happened again.

Liam

Druid (Circle of the Shepherd): At some point before Critical Role comes to end (hopefully far in the future), I know Liam’s gonna play a druid, I can feel it in my bones. He's too big of a Kiki fan not to. However, while Circle of the Moon might feel obvious given the potential for homage and how much he likes turning into animals, I feel like he might regard it as getting too close to old territory (also, I don’t know if Circle of the Moon is like an exclusive thing to the Ashari tribes, and if it is that would be rather restrictive for building a backstory). If that’s the case, Circle of the Shepherd feels like the next best bet. It has some great support options via the totems you can put down, and rather than becoming badass animals, you instead just get really good at summoning a fuck ton of them. It’s like Frumpkin, but ten of him. And they’re bears. (Honorable mention: If Circle of the Moon would feel like treading old territory then I’m certain Circle of Wildfire would too, but I’d bet my dice collection it would at least be tempting). 

Cleric (Unity Domain): Listen. The pure sap potential that would be at Mr. O’Brien’s fingertips with this subclass is incredible. The domain all about strengthening and protecting the bonds between friends and loved ones?? The domain with the Channel Divinity that can spread damage taken by one creature across the party however the cleric chooses to distribute it to lessen the blow to the individual??? The domain that used to be called the Love Domain???? I’m practically gagging on the soft moments and unspoken devotion conveyed through spellcasting already.

Fighter (Rune Knight/Psi Knight): Liam has yet to play a tank in a long-term campaign, and while I’m more enamored with the potential of the above classes, it would be novel to see him play a character with an actually respectable amount of hit points. However, I feel like if he was gonna commit to a straight frontliner, he’d probably want something a little more unique than a Champion or Battle Master (especially since he’s played those already for one-shots). Rune Knight has some fun options and built-in flavor, and with Psi Knight you can basically be a Jedi. Not bad options at all if you ask me.

Taliesin

Warlock (Fiend): Yeah, it might be expected, or Percy might have been too close to warlock anyway to feel like there’s new ground to cover, but hear me out. Both Percy (who, let’s face it, was a warlock multiclass in all but the actual mechanics) and Fjord were the classic reluctants. They got in over their heads without really knowing what was going on, and once they did they wanted out, cutting ties with their patrons and getting clear with only the scars remaining. I want to see Taliesin commit to a warlock in a way I imagine only he could manage to pull off. How fun would that balancing act be, to have a character that has no intentions of breaking their pact, who’s here for the powers, and is willing to work that delicate balancing act between keeping what he’s got and not letting his contract holder get the better of him? Give it to meeeeee.

Sorcerer (Psionic Soul): Psionic Soul has a bit of that eldritch flavor that vibes with Taliesin so much, with the added interest of introducing a brand new feature to 5E, the Psi Die (with this subclass, using them can do things like letting a sorcerer learn a spell they don’t already know for a few hours, allow you to cast spells without needing verbal, somatic, or material components, and can give you telepathy). Taking both Percy and Molly into account, it seems Tal likes to lean into those unique additional mechanics, and while Psi Die aren’t as risk-heavy as Gunslinger or Bloodhunter, they do add a layer of variability and unpredictability that seems to match his style.

Rogue (Swashbuckler): We only got a little bit of time with Molly, and so missed out on the opportunity to see Tal play a more cavalier character this time around. If he feels like leaning away from spells next time and back toward martial, I think a high-charisma, high-swinging swashbuckler from Tal would be a delight to watch.

Laura

Barbarian (Path of the Ancestral Guardian): Laura deserves to hit things, okay? Yes, spellcasting is great and comes in clutch frequently and Jester’s amazing, but you can tell Laura misses doing fat stacks of damage to the enemy in a single round. I personally think it would be amazing to watch her just cut loose and go full rage machine. As for the subclass, I’m not glued to the idea, but Ancestral Guardians are pretty kickass, have decent support capabilities for a barb without detracting from their DPS at all, and it doesn’t tread on any previous characters’ toes or their aesthetics.

Rogue (Scout/Soulknife): Laura deserves to play her favorite class at last, okay? She’s been class poached two campaigns in a row, and though that resulted in both Vex and Jester and I wouldn’t trade them for the world, Laura has earned first pick. Seeing as she already dipped into Assassin as Vex and Sam took Arcane Trickster, I could see Scout being a viable subclass choice. It’s in the classic sneaky vein, relatively simple in concept, but comes with features that grant easy-to-understand benefits that you can never turn your nose up at (boosts to movement, advantage on initiative, giving advantage against a target to everyone else in the party, etc.). If she’s looking for something a bit flashier, Soulknife has the benefit of retroactively dunking on Vax by taking the basic knife-rogue and making it better, with psionic knives that you can manifest with a thought, that can teleport you around Whisper style, and cranking up that stealth to ridiculous levels by just being able to turn invisible for ten minutes, no concentration or spell needed. The psionic die mechanics are a little funky of course, but I don’t imagine it’s any trickier than learning to manage all those cleric spells.

Monk (Way of the Open Hand): Between Beau just being super cool and her brief stint as Farriwen Breeze, monk wouldn’t be a surprising pick from Laura. An Open Hand monk might be the definitive version everyone knows, but you can’t deny it’s a solid subclass, and between previous overlap and the concepts of the other subclasses just not seeming to fit, I could see the classic being what she went with. But hey, it’s Laura Bailey. She could surprise us with Way of the Drunken Master or something.

Sam

Ranger (Monster Slayer): Let’s be real, I don’t think this would be his actual first pick for a Campaign 3 character, but the amount of shit-stirring he could achieve by making a character with the aim of pissing off Laura Bailey specifically would be hilarious (and since Matt isn’t completely opposed to UA and acknowledges that PHB ranger has a lot of issues, I wouldn’t be surprised if they went Revised Ranger this time).

Warlock (Genie): Actual first pick here, Pact of the Genie Warlock is confirmed by now, and the potential of a warlock in the hands of Sam Riegel is pretty vast (for some reason I’m imagining he would go the ‘spoiled sugar baby’ route). The subclass doesn’t matter as much, but the Genie one is nice in that, depending on the type of genie patron you pick, you can get a wide variety of extra spells, you get a container like a classic lamp or lantern that you can bamf into for short rests, and you get a limited Wish ability for your capstone, all features I feel like would especially appeal to Sam.

Barbarian (Path of the Wild Soul): I want to see Sam play a fairy barbarian. ‘Nough said.

Ashley

Fighter (Eldritch/Echo Knight): Ashley really seems to vibe with the crushing power of martial classes (she does love her brutal kill descriptions), so I could see her sticking with it rather than going back to full caster. However, I do see her picking one of the magical subclasses for some variety after Yasha. Eldritch Knight is a classic and reasonably easy to manage, but tbh I’d LOVE for it to be Echo Knight. And think, if my wishful thinking came true, with Ashley picking an Echo Knight and Marisha playing a Graviturgist wizard, they could link up their backstories and be a traveling Kryn battle duo that left their homeland behind to explore the world!

Sorcerer (Draconic): If she does want to go back to full-time casting, Sorcerer doesn’t require near as much bookkeeping as a cleric, druid, or wizard while still having decent variety, and the Draconic subclass is a bit beefier than the other subclasses. Also, it would be the third campaign in a row where Ashley Johnson’s character eventually got wings, soooo...

And tbh I have no idea what a third pick might be for Ashley, so I’m just gonna throw a dart or two at the board and say either College of Whispers Bard or Way of Mercy Monk *Shrug* We can only wait and see!