#The sensory ones just kinda started happening again in the past 7 years or so?

[artkaninchenbau]

An AWS comic

[ftm-radio]

My gender is 4 years old

...and four days, as of April 15th. This post is a bit late. 😅

Four years ago, all the confusing little puzzle pieces I'd been collecting came together in a genuine eureka! moment and I realized I was transgender. It was exhilarating and terrifying and it undeniably changed my life for the better.

The last few years have felt pretty damn slow and I've had to scramble over a few frustrating obstacles (never changing my name AGAIN, lmao, that was annoying as fuck) but it's all been worth it and now it feels like I'm really making headway.

I started testosterone this past year! I did that! I'm almost 7 months on T now! Currently on a dose of two pumps of gel, which I have only missed applying once in all that time because I was literally sick. The changes are gradual but they are real and they have already brought me so much joy and made me so much happier in my humble flesh prison. 💗

The most anticipated change for me (and for a lot of transmasc folks, I imagine) is my voice, and BOY (heh) am I happy to share this data comparison with you:

[ LEFT: A screenshot from the Voice Pitch Analyzer app, dated November 3rd, 2021. It shows that OP's voice registers fully within the female voice range. RIGHT: Another screenshot from the app, dated April 12th, 2024. This one shows that OP's voice registers mostly between the Androgynous and Male voice ranges. ]

My voice is so different now. It sounds different, it feels different, and in just the last week or so I swear it has gotten a little rougher and raspier and I am LIVING. I could not be happier!!!

...okay, fine, I could be happier lmao.

I'm adjusting to my deeper voice and still learning how to use it in a way I like & that feels best to me, so I'm starting to do some casual at-home voice training again after basically forgetting about the concept completely since 2021. (Whoops.) But I am already so much happier and more content with my voice than I have ever been in my life, so it's only getting better from here, lads. <3

I've also had to go to a lot of appointments and answer a ton of phone calls about said appts recently because I kinda fucked up my eyeball (it's better now, don't worry! and be gentle to your eyes, they are delicate and eye drops are so fucking annoying when you're doing them seven times a day, jfc) and my voice has reached a point where I was a lot more comfortable interacting with strangers and I also didn't notice any surprise or confusion when I introduced myself with a male name! It was kind of amazing.

Also singing is even more fun now. I love love LOVE singing along with a male vocalist and feeling the way my voice kinda rumbles through my chest. 10/10 sensory experience.

Other changes aren't nearly as exciting or obvious as my voice, but here's a quick (?) rundown, for those who are curious:

Mood — Gotta be honest, I don't think I've really noticed any significant change in my day-to-day mood, though I may not be the best judge for this because I have trouble figuring out what/how I'm feeling in general, tbh. But I think I have certainly gotten more comfortable and content with myself and I'd even go so far as to say I feel a little more confident these days. It's nice, I appreciate it.

Acne — I definitely noticed a change in how my acne presents itself on my face. I wouldn't say it's worse than before (I've had very bad acne since I was a young teenager and only got medication for it like, last year which has helped immensely) but I think it's different. More little red spots and roughness than the unpleasant and painful pimples I'm used to. I don't even mind it, really. Oddly affirming.

Facial Hair — I've got facial hair. I really do!!! Not clickbait!!! It's not much, not enough for me to be brave and take my dad up on his offer of shaving lessons quite yet, but it has grown in enough that I don't feel silly including it in self portraits! 🤭🧔🏻 Got a little bit of a mustache happening, a little bit at the sides of my face, some fuzz on my chin (with one LONG hair that I can only assume has been greedy and stealing his brothers' growth), and a frankly surprising lil patch of hair under my jaw. On a semi-related note, not sure if my brows have gotten much darker/thicker. They might have? idk.

my new discord icon, hehe... 👁💜🪓

Body Hair — I have gotten a little more hair on my forearms, and it may have gotten a little darker too! I have a tattoo on my arm just below my left wrist and it's been surprisingly helpful for measuring arm hair growth because for years my tattoo was not covered by hair at all but the left side of it's a little fuzzy now... 😏 I've gotten more noticeable hair growth on my upper arms, which were basically hairless before (free gender euphoria every time I put on my T) and on my thighs. Don't think my lower legs have gotten much hairier, and I'm a little impatient about it lmao. I want to get hairy enough to rival my brother.

Energy/Appetite — Can't say I've really noticed any differences here? I am not a very active person and I already struggled with appetite and getting myself to eat before I started T (thank you adhd & poor eating habits 🥲💀), so I can't quite tell if I'm ignoring more hunger signals than usual. 😅 I am hoping to get more active and start doing more physical activity now that it's starting to get warmer outside again, so hopefully that will help me see these sorts of changes and also get me into some better eating habits as I expend more energy and work up a proper appetite! (Also, since we're on the topic... a reminder for all of us that taking care of yourself and feeding the body you live in is a million times more important than aesthetics and numbers on a scale. ❤)

Menstruation — I am still getting my period right on schedule, but I am happy to say it is considerably lighter than it was before I started testosterone! My period has begun getting shorter, too. It lasted for roughly 7–9 days before, but I was bleeding for exactly 7 days last month, and only 6 days this month. I'm not sure if this trend will continue at such a dramatic rate, but if my next round is only 5 days I will be very excited about it, lol. My uterus can retire any day now, please...

Bottom Growth — if any of my friends read this part, don't speak to me about it lmao — Yeah... there's a little bit of something happening down there. Not a lot, and I haven't really noticed any pain or sensitivity, but there's a Difference. Aaaaand I like it. 😌 I am looking forward to any and all future developments. 😏👉🏻👉🏻

Okay! I think that's it, really.

I know I haven't been super active on this blog for quite a while now (I have really gotten into fandom blogging on my main lmao, and also discord is my favorite thing right now, it's where 90% of my friends live) so I hope this nice, long, ramble-y post makes up for that a little bit. <3

Not gonna make any promises that I'll post here more often, but y'know. I might. It could happen. Definitely not leaving this blog to sit and gather dust, that's for sure. I'll still be reblogging stuff semi-frequently, even if I'm not writing up my own posts.

So goodbye for now, and thanks for tuning in! 👋🏻📻💖💙✨️

[pastafossa]

✨AO3 Tag Game✨

tagged by: @letterfromvienna ! THANK YOU MY FRIENDDDD! 💞

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I’ve got 6 on my current AO3 username (Pastafossa) and 10 on my hiatused username HarbingerOfWhimsy (didn’t want anyone giving me grief for reader fic 😂). So 16 total. 

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

All totaled between both: 466,387 holy shit ok, and 80% of that is The Red Thread, which has been mostly been done in the past year. I’m on a ROLLLLL. 💪

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Between the two usernames I have on AO3, I’ve hit Daredevil, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, The Mandalorian, Dragon Age, and Mass Effect!

Before that, I dabbled in fanfic for Supernatural, Mutant X, Moonlight, TMNT, Doctor Who, Haven, and iirc I had a Lizzie McGuire fic floating around when I first started. Most of those are looooong gone, though.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1.  A Warm Blanket, my Mass Effect, F!Shepard/Garrus Vakarian one-shot fic, remains my most popular fic to date. ❤️

2. The Red Thread, my epically long, years-spanning Matt Murdock x Reader saga! 🥰

3. Ya’ll gonna laugh but I got stuck with a pregnancy prompt in a Dragon Age, Cullen x Inquisitor fic challenge despite hating the topic and I couldn’t get out of it because I was running the fucking challenge, so I forced myself write it, hated it the whole time, but folks enjoyed it. So that’s the story of This Pregnancy Keeps Dragon On. No pregnancy fic ever again please. 😂

4. Carl Hates You Jim, my Dragon Age fic on what the guards always stationed outside the office door thought of the Inquisitor banging Commander Cullen in the noisy sex scene in game!

5. “You Wanna Try That Again?”, my Din Djarin x Reader smutty af entry into the fandom! Delicious, delicious smut, this is the fucking waaaaaay. 🔥

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to respond to every comment if I can, though things get busy sometimes. But for me writing has always been a social activity. If I was just writing for me, I’d leave it in my docs. Fic is something I want to share, it’s something I write partially so I can make people feel things and invoke emotion. Responding to comments is also one of the things I love about an ongoing fic. It feels like an adventure we’re all taking together! I love that so, so much. Also I’m an extrovert, I need the energy of social contact, gimme

Got a bit long, so rest behind the cut!

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

THERE ISN’T ONE, WE ALWAYS GET A FUCKING HAPPY ENDING except those angsty ask fics I’m working on you know who you are

Me on every fic so far:

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

Every now and then! My Daredevil crossover with Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Hubris, is my craziest so far. Just two himbos... and their handlers. Bless.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I’ve gotten one or two shitty comments over the years, or been told by crusty Old Writers Shouting At Clouds and hipsters in Fanfic groups that ReAdEr FiC iS sO cRiNgE, but I’m long past the point where I care.🤣

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I definitely write smut! As for what kind, idk, just whatever I feel like fits the characters. I’ve written smut with D/S or switching dynamics, clothes ripping, edging, super emotional, very feral, touch kinks, oral kinks, biting kinks, mutual masturbation, Armor Stays On, little bit of bondage. I even did a parody fic for a Bad Smut contest, that was wild. The only thing I can think of that’s truly consistent across all my smut is that there will be mentions of emotions/feelings, and there will be a lot of sensory descriptions cause I find that the BEST. 🥵  

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I unfortunately have! A reader alerted me a few months back to someone who’d taken Red Thread and made a few little changes and posted it to Wattpad. First time I’ve ever had it happen, so that was kinda wild.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven’t, although I’d be open to it eventually if I had time for it!

12. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

*whispers* There’s no Shepard without Vakarian. Shepard x Garrus is a thing of beauty.

13. What are your thoughts about writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I’ve toyed with it a little in Red Thread, where I have Ciro speaking a little Italian, though not much. I think it can be done, and I’ve seen some really creative ways it’s been done, but as of yet I wouldn’t feel confident doing it with any serious regularity.

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

It was either Lizzie McGuire or Mutant X, and they were both terrible. 🤪 But at least they’re proof of how far I’ve come!

14. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Definitely The Red Thread. It’s a huge behemoth of a fic, but it’s also my love song, essentially, to my favorite fictional work ever, and to my favorite characters. <3 It also makes me proud to look at, because I’ve put everything I’ve ever learned about writing into it. Because I started it a few years ago, you can literally track the little changes I made as I grew more comfortable and honed in on my own style. I’m really, really in love with that fic! ☺️

no pressure tags: @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa​ @shurisneakers​ @ezrasbirdie​ @krissology​ @buckysbiota​

[and-i-uh]

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

Monday 9/16/2019

It’s been a while since I posted. Things are going pretty well here. My depression levelled off a long, long time ago and though i’ve felt some depression symptoms periodically, they were short lived. That’s a huge change, for someone who almost constantly lived with depression since she was 7. I often felt suicidal, or close to it. That also started at 7. I remember the day I first told someone, it was my brother Neil. He just told me everyone feels that way sometimes. Me personally, a child tells me, i’m going to take it seriously and get her help. Oh well, it’s whatever

The past 8 months or so, i’ve felt a lot more social and it’s been great!!  For years, I stayed to myself for the most part. I was really social in my teens. When I was twenty, I moved in with Nathan and secluded myself. It was almost completely just he and I. For years, I hardly socialized in real life, only online. I went out with a couple friends a few times here and there, but it was nothing like now. 

For several years, I rarely went out. I’d have little spurts of being social, like one summer that I spent a lot of time with Cloyie and Jessica, and Amber to an extent. Then, I got with Mark, and it was only me, him and Nathan again. I just didn’t make the effort to get out. To meet people. To strengthen old friendships. About 8 months ago, something in me just changed. I met my friend Kristy, and we started hanging out. Then, I met a few more friends, and we spent time together. My friends have made friends with each other, and we have some awesome get togethers! 

When I think about it, depression held me back. I always had more depressive episodes than manic. Though i’ve had my share of those as well. But, the depressive episodes could last for several months at a time. I’d seclude myself, stop talking to people, practically drop off the planet! Friends don’t understand. Most don’t, anyway. A lot of people just think you’re avoiding them or whatever. Kinda goes along with when my psychology instructor told me i’m aloof. Love her to death, I know she didn’t many anything by it, but that stuck with me - I wonder how many people think of me as cold, distant and aloof. I like to think i’m the furthest from that description.

I’m sampling Kratom, the Trainwreck strain, and I feel i’m a little more talky now than i have been lately. lol

Back on the aloof thing.. I wonder if people think that when i’m feeling shy and having anxiety, or when I have to be to myself for sometime. People’s first impression of me used to be that I was bitchy. Until they got to know me. Because of the shyness. I’d like to think i’ve moved past that a bit now.

I do have a weird need to be alone sometimes. In silence. When i’m around other people for an extended period of time, my mind feels overstimulated and I feel like I need to escape. Yes, even Mark. At home, I spend a lot of alone time in my room. It’s definitely nothing against him, I just need to be alone at times. I was really happy when I lived alone. And often kept it silent, no tv’s etc.. I need that alone time to feel spiritually fulfilled. To feel at peace. Labor day weekend, had a big cookout. It’s awesome! But twice, I was standing in my rather small living room/dining area and felt trapped. Anxiety shot up. I had to go back to my bedroom for a few minutes, both times, almost as if to recharge. It was odd. I love a big crowd, especially when it’s good friends, but my mind overstimulated. Sensory overload. I wish I knew what caused it. As a child, teachers, principals and a school nurse tried telling my Mom I was autistic. She would get angry over it. But, honestly, I have to wonder if I am on the spectrum, and just learned social skills. I truly did have to learn how to behave with people, how to be normal. Se;f taught. Some from reading things and some from observing people’s behavior. I was a mess as a child though, I wasn’t taught social skills at all.

Changing the subject a bit.. I’ve met someone whom has brought about feelings that i’m not used to. It’s a little confusing, and wonderful, at the same time. :) First, let me start with an explanation of my sexuality.. Ok.. I knew that I found some women attractive, even as a child. Certain types of breasts. Beautiful faces. A nice ass. lol I was never sure about my sexual preference. I admired women, but didn’t want to be with a woman....until somewhere in my late twenties or so I considered the idea. Still unsure. By the time I was 19, I had kissed a couple girls. Mostly for attention from boys at parties, i’ll be totally honest. I’m not like that now! I also had an experience that could be considered sexual experimentation when I was 16 or 17... I cheated on my boyfriend and had a hickey on my neck. One of my girls said, let’s all give each other hickies and tell the guys it was us. Which......sounds ridiculous to me as I type this. Extremely. lol But I went with it. I got nothing from it sexually, wasn’t turned on by it. 

I refused to experiment with bisexual friends over the year, just didn’t feel like it was my thing. The closest two women to call experimentation would be a woman name Virginia. I was 19 and she was 30ish. And Jessica. Whom I actually 10 years older. lol I’ll explain both situations...

First, Virginia. She was ok looking, tall, and a bit intimidating in looks and personality. And I don’t get intimidated easily. I was already really, really drunk. Had went a type of gay dance that raised money for aids research. I had a couple gay and bi friends. That night, a friend I cared about came up to me and told me that he just hound out he’s hiv+. That hit me hard and I started stress drinking. We were invited to an after party, and of course my drunk ass went. A guy had a BIG bottle of tequila. I asked for some. He kept passing it to me throughout the night. I was so gone. The host started hitting on me, then acted like she was going to try to fight me. I’d never lost a fight in the past, but as previously mentioned, she had an intimidating presence and as drunk as I was, any fighting would have been sloppy and probably resulted in me getting myself hurt. Then, two gay men got into a fight, I was trying to stop and and she pulled me aside and told me they do it all the time. Next thing, they were kissing. And I was like, wtf? lol Anyway, I remember watching a porn on tv.. Then, I had to go pee. This older trucker guy cornered me in the bathroom. He was trying to get with me, and I was scared to straight up say no, so I kept telling him some other time. He kept insisting no, right now, he’s on the road all the time. I had no plans of getting with him. EVER. I was just trying to talk myself of out the danger that I knew I had gotten myself into. Finally, Virginia (the same one who acted like she wanted to fight me) came along, and I clung to her the rest of the night. Which wasn’t long. I had to have been about 5am by that time. I was so scared to drive as trashed as I was, had noone I could call. I was stuck. Like I said, I clung to her, it felt like she was saving me from this 50 year old pervert. She told me I could sleep in her bed. And with all the crazy drunk guys in the living room, I felt safer that way. Then, trucker dude and this big black guy she was with came in the room. People passed out around the bed. And now it was us 4 in the bed. I remember it’s like in 3rd person, as if I weren’t there, and were watching in happen instead. I ended up basically having an orgy. Both guys. (I had had a threesome with two guys before, when I was 16. I liked it. It was not forced, I didn’t feel trapped - as I did this night) The most she and I did was hold hands and kissed. I stayed close to her, she was the only feeling of safety I had at that point. As soon as everyone snuck out, I drunkenly. and quickly, drove home. Virginia tried to text me several times after, she never heard from me again. And I rarely let myself think about that night. I did not want this night to happen, but “no” wasn’t worth it, and it was a very intimidating situation. This is the first in a long time, and the most detailed i’ve ever told anyone. Even though i’m only telling my blog. I have very few readers, I keep this blog very private. I remember when I told my asshole ex about it (Jerry),July 4th 2013, he got angry at me and called me a slut and told me it was my fault. Our relationship went down hill after that.

My second serious experience, more than just a simple silly kiss.. Was with Jessica. I will start with this... Jessica took care of herself when I first met her. I thought she was pretty. Had a little interest, but no plans to take it anywhere. I also didn’t realize she had a mental impairment at the time. I thought her speach impediment was a cajun or similar accent. Anyway, right after meeting her, I went to the beach with some friends at the time. She was one of the ones going. I can’t remember exactly how it started, but we did have a little chemistry. So, at some point, she kissed me. There were several kisses that week. She stayed by my side much of the time, which I didn’t know how I felt about that. My best guy friend was on the trip too, and we had talking about hooking up. So, the whole time, I was hoping he’s make a move and Jessica ended up making the moves. lol She was really sweet to me though. Surprised with with a bottle of liquor, roses, a necklace. We didn’t “get together”. Didn’t date, i’ve never dated a woman. Did really do anything sexual....other than one night she tried to finger me under the covers and I stopped her. I told her it was because someone else was in the room with us, and that was partly why. But still, I didn’t want it. The most we ever did after that was few kisses and one heated make out session, the most we did was grind on each other. I never went there again. We cuddled sometimes though, that was sweet. We haven’t kissed or anything like that in years. Met her in 2012.

After the beach trip. Jessica was VERY persistent and moving way too fast. I stopped talking to her, and she found every way she could to get in touch with me. The primary reason I stopped talking to her, I randomly got a text on my phone asking my permission to put a gps tracker on my phone, and the company said it came from her. Later, she insisted in wasn’t her, a friend got a hold of her phone. No. It was her. It took me a really long time to talk to her again, but I finally did. After that, I stopped talking to her for an extended period of time twice.. One time, she was getting too pushy, getting frustrated when I didn’t share the feeling she had and frankly was behaving possessive and obsessive. Then next time, and it was the final time.. It was not long after I started dating Mark. She continued to “jokingly” call me hers, and I can’t remember specifically how it happened.....but she got psycho pissed at me. Wanted a Christmas gift back (which I smashed before leaving it in front of her house), texted Mark accusing I cheated on him and all this other bs. She contacted friends, trying to start shit between us. I blocked her, and it was a very long before I spoke to her again. And when I did, I promised her if it EVER happened again, our friendship is through permanently. For years, I haven’t had a problem. She still flirts with me. Year ago, I did playfully kiss her a couple times. But that’s all it was though. I don’t mind her flirting, as long as she doesn’t take it too far. And things have been good sense. 

We’re not close like we used to be, though. She refers to herself as my best friend. I feel awkward and don’t correct it. She my have problems, and hasn’t been the best friend, but I do care about her and consider her a good friends. Never a best friend though. I haven’t had a TRUE best friend since my friendship ended with Amanda at 16-17. We were super close, met when I was 11. I’ve never been that close to a female since. I never had any sort of attraction for her though,  she was just my best friend. I’ve wanted that closeness sense, never bonded with anyone after her though. Tried. Just didn’t feel it. 

I’m taking a break from this blog. I have to. I’ve spend a LOT of time on it already, and still have things I need to say. Will continue tomorrow! <3

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Tuesday, 9/17/2019

Wow, that was a lot of writing. My blogs are often pretty long, but that was crazy! lol I took my first full dose of kratom yesterday, maybe that what did it. lol If so, I need to get more. Do some writing. I love to write and dream of getting published one day, I just don’t have the focus that I need.

Where to start back.. Ok.. As far as my sexuality goes, I considered myself straight until a few years ago. Then I realized i’m bi-curious. I kept it to myself though. Still do, for the most part. Most people don’t know. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I definitely do not want Mark’s family to know. 

I always said I like dick too much to be a lesbian, and that’s still true. (excuse the trashy phrase lol) - but I do have an attraction to some women. But it’s been a subtle attraction. 

However, I recently met this woman. She’s awesome. I have a very strong connection with her. It’s more of a deep spiritual connection. It’s something I can’t explain. I feel about her, something i’ve never felt before. I can’t explain it, because I don’t quite understand it yet. 

We have so much in common. Religion, political views, a love of wolves. And so much more that we’ve discovered that we have in common. My niece even says we kinda look alike. lol And, she’s beautiful. Gorgeous face, love her eyes. Great body. 

She told me that if she ever went there with a woman, she’d want it to be with me. And I had thought the same thing about her. I don’t know where this is going to go, but it’s definitely something new for me. 

I love spending time with her. And truthfully, I think about her often. Not in a psycho obsessive sense. lol But, she does cross my mind. 

It feels odd to feel this way about a woman. But it feels good. One evening, she took my hand while we were talking, and normally i’m not much of a hand holder, other than the hubby. But, it was nice. It actually felt right. 

Ok, and about the hubby, while i’m thinking about it.. I love him, and would never do anything to hurt him. No matter what the situation. I’ve talked to him a little, but very little, about how I feel for her. It’s a little awkward. I plan to let him read this blog eventually. IF he wants to read this much writing!! lol 

Anyway, he used to tell me he won’t share me, even if it were another woman. Now he tells me that he’s ok with it, as long as he can watch. I appreciate him being somewhat open minded, but him watching.....i’m not sure about. I don’t know how she would feel, and frankly I don’t know how I feel about it. What I feel for her is pure. It’s not all sexual and lusty. It runs much deeper. Don’t get me wrong, I *am* physically attracted to her, who wouldn’t be? But, if we were to ever take it a step further, I really don’t know that i’d feel comfortable with anyone else being around. It would be special, you know? And I don’t know if he’d ever be accepting of just her and I having a physical relationship together. Only time will tell. 

Even if it never turns physical, she’s a special person in my life. I can see her turning into a lifelong bestfriend (....or more). 

I guess I should be going. Have to get ready to start the day, a few things need done. I only took two kratom today (Trainwreck strain), instead of the suggested dose of 6 pills. I’m already feeling it. Thinking I may get a big bottle and make them part of my daily supplements! I’ll try to blog again very soon, though it probably won’t be nearly as long. 

[thenopetrain]

Some thoughts on 4 x 10

okay! Story time. So, the moment that Red, Dembe, and that real estate lady (her name escapes me) appeared on screen in that really white room, I commented to my mother how much it reminded me of a house we lived in when I was little. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I used to hate living in an all white house (this was back in the early 90’s, it was a thing 😪) I hated it because everything was so damn white, and it gave me a headache, and the house just made me tired, and I couldn’t ever spill a damn thing because 7-year old me couldn’t hide it, and I later learned in AP psych in hs that those headaches and that irritation was likely due to sensory deprivation.

I think Red spending all that time in that room was a helluva lot more symbolic than even tptb meant for it to be. (Unless the writing is becoming meaningful again, a girl can dream omg please say yes)

Anyway it brings me to a type of torture called White Torture. In White Torture rooms, a person is faced with extreme sensory deprivation. It is a type of psychological torment that causes the “detainee [to] lose [their] personal identity through long periods of isolation” and I think that is what we’re seeing from Red: a loss of identity, a floundering, and, in Red’s own words, a profound sense of feeling bereft after psychological torment perpetrated by the people he thought loved him.

But he’s also living in a type of isolation, having recently been told off by Cooper (for reasons still unknown tbh, what even was that scene last episode???), not being welcomed by Liz no matter what he does, contending with how deeply he was affected by Kate’s betrayal (I still don’t think he was trying to kill her but that’s a totally a post for another time), having to listen to Dembe tell him he was wrong for killing kate (not exactly a bad thing but it puts a wall between them regardless). And those are just his most important relationships. Red is literally an island unto himself after the Kirk debacle.

He’s just been through at least three major physical and psychological traumas in a row (mourning elizabeth with her fake death, being blindsided by the discovery of her and Kate and even Tom’s betrayal, and being tortured by Kirk) without reprieve or contemplation. He just jumped from one crisis to the next and I think he’s finding himself, mentally, in a kind of white torture room.

I’m gonna take a detour here to talk about something: the fact that Red was obsessively looking for something that wasn’t there this entire episode, i.e. the blood, the crime scene he knew took place there, the truth. (Subliminally, perhaps he was looking for a reason for his pain as of late and how such a reason was simply a lie?)

Common reactions to extreme sensory deprivation are hallucinations. In a way, I think, with Red so fixated on a past wrong that someone else was able to make disappear, we’re starting to see the man fraying at the seems. People much smarter and more eloquent than I have already pointed out the mental, emotional, and psychological ramifications that Liz’s “death” has brought to this show’s characters, and while tptb have certainly skirted most of those ramifications or barely touched on them, I think we’re at the pushing off point for these ramifications and I hope that they do them justice. (Too many shows just skip right over trauma and drama as if it never happened or as if it only lasts for however long one or two episodes take in the tv show’s universe)

But, my own grievances with Hollywood narratives aside, I think that Red’s fascination with how a murder, a death, a wrong, an injustice (say Elizabeth’s murder, her guilt, her arrogance, tom’s own crimes against Liz and the team, ad infinitum) can be a stain expunged or forgiven from someone’s ledger when that seems an impossible task for himself (aside from the fact that I don’t think he would ever not own up to the things he’s done since he even tells Iniko that he’s a bad man in this episode, it’s just not in his character to not claim responsibility no matter how awful the thing). And, even though he utilizes such pristine methods during this episode as well, again, I think his amazement in regards to the disappearance of a crime is a bitter irony to him.

The jarring use of the white apartment in this episode seemed to highlight that people can’t hide from what they’ve done no matter the contingencies they have in place. Namely, Red’s supposed attempt to murder Kaplan and his continuous cycle of losing Elizabeth in some form or other. White is a revealing color, and while it often symbolizes purity and a clean, I think it can symbolize a truth attempting to be known, or an emptiness, a lack of life of vigor, of hope.

Which brings me to the all white puzzle. While completing a puzzle is usually a positive thing, puzzles can take on other meanings. I went ahead and looked up the way a puzzle can fit into a dream, and the third thing down was that puzzles have a way of “revealing the interrelationships of things, connectedness of events—often emotional, usually intellectual. A mystery, not having all the facts; use caution regarding decisions (miss­ing pieces). Intellectual challenges.”

So either it only had to do with Kate and Liz’s learning of what “kinda sorta happened” to her, or this episode was trying to tell us a lot more than it was letting on.

So bless you if you read this whole thing. I got a bit rambly because I’m just a little buzzed haha but yeah. My very long and very winding two cents after thinking how much I would hate to live in that all white apartment. 😂 I’m sure someone can probs say all this and make sense better than I can but c'est la vie. Also, yes, I get it that he wanted to get the team that made all the blood disappear but I obviously enjoy reading into things haha