#These jokes just write themselves

[ohnoitspheo]

Nobody: Me: *Designs one million fictional brands for my webcomic because I can!*

My Nocturn species may be lizard monsters, but capitalism is still alive and well in their society- which leaves SO MUCH room for parodies and jokes!

🦎 Descriptions of all the fictional companies below the cut! 🦎

Hexburger: Monster mcKie Ds. Get your edgy ink black hexagon-shaped food here! Inspired by modern day burger joints.

EVOPARK: My favorite location in the story. A wildly dangerous monster theme park with no safety precautions and mysterious claims of making you stronger. 

The X-treme Coaster: My riff on the popular ride X2 in Six Flags Magic Mountain. It’s at least 200% more insane… 

PREDATR: Alpha male, hyper-masculine brand (Haxx’s fave) 

neøphyte: Cute little clothes for your little baby hatchling nightmare. Also, eggs. 

EXOBREED: Futuristic Bio Techwear (Nova’s fave) 

Epicenter: Department store with earthquaking good deals. Totally not a rip-off of Target.

ANOMALY: Sexy lizard clothing for all genders.

Bands & Stripes: Skin and scale care. Exfoliate that stuck shed… 

Cupid Crash: “Edgy” Nocturn clothes aren’t black, they’re pastel goth and poke fun at cherubs. Angel-themed.

Generik.: Black and grey shirts for the normies. Based on the most generic logo of all time.

byotic: A medicine/biotech company 

<HEXEL>: Tasty Shapes. Salty hexagon-shaped snack available in a vending machine near you! Somewhere between a Ritz cracker and Pocky. 

What store would you want to visit? I’d hit up Cupid Crash tbh. Angellic Hot topic for Lizards? I’m sold. 😂

[obsidianbit]

I love this gay ass show with its literally life ending injuries that heal immediately, but only when convenient to the plot, and its ridiculous use of modern phrases, and its laughing in the face of historical accuracy, and its kissing the face of the fans instead of trying to outwit them, and the way everyone involved in the show seem to go 'I KNOW RIGHT! I'M EXCITED TOO!' instead of mocking the fans

[justplaggin]

'i know a spot' they said

[otrtbs]

it is not my fault that my silly fucking fanfiction wasn’t what was “advertised” to you on tiktok or twitter by an outside third party.

“people said it would be [x] but i was so disappointed. it was so bad. it wasn’t like that all.”

that’s on you for coming into it with expectations and then using your disappointment to hurt my feelings.

[trexalicious]

The UnSussexfulls can say whatever they want, there is no lost check! All companies incorporated in the State of Delaware are required to file an Annual Report along with a filing fee of $25. The letter clearly states they need to file their 990 annual report AND a check so they submitted nothing for 2022. The 990 reports are a pain if you have a lot of contributors and/or outgoing distributions (donations out)* but Archwell doesn't. They could have used a 990N or 990EZ form that shouldn't have taken more than an hour or two to complete...but they have NO staff to compile it. If the Delaware Secretary of State functions like most states, they received a delinquency letter every quarter. Additionally, Delaware requires a yearly Franchise Tax Payment ($250-$300 depending on if it's an LLC or Corp). If all of these conditions are not met within two years, the company is automatically dissolved. I think they are hoping it will be shut down and that they can move away from the failure that is Archwell (like how they have archwell.com redirect to the new sussex.com). I truly believe that Rachel stupidly thinks if Archwell shuts down, they can just roll the remaining $$$ out but that's not how it works. If she can't even get a simple annual report filed, how on earth is she going to handle sales tax for all of her online product sales as required?

*I spent 13 years compiling 990 reports for, at that time, the largest Super PAC in my state.

[mxtxfanatic]

As much as Shen Yuan didn’t like Shen Jiu’s Shen Qingqiu, and as terrible the punishments he wanted Shen Jiu to receive that he believed fit the crimes that the other man committed in PIDW’s canon, the fact that everyone immediately jumped to possession when Shen Yuan transmigrated into the ooc-locked Shen Qingqiu shows how much Shen Yuan still severely, severely underestimated how much of a terrible person Shen Jiu was.

[remusawoooo]

I'm all about curating my content and ignoring ships I don't like, BUTTTT

isn't there something so insidious about taking a character that was vehemently against dark magic and supremacy (to the extent of giving his life fighting them) and shipping him with a voldemort fanatic who couldn't wait to become a death eater.

[galacticlamps]

Jamie + Zoe textposts, not because they even vaguely relate to anything going on in canon, just because they have a very memeable dynamic & their screenshots pair well with the humor on this website

[what-the-fuck-god]

the cart witnesses showed up to my college for mental health awareness day lmao?? like girl YOU ARE the reason my mental health is shit what are y’all doing here

[nucleqr]

surely he has to see the irony in him saying this to karlach of all people, yeah?

[genn-did-everything-wrong]

@khadgarfield iykyk

[smokewars]

hiiii just watched malkuth episode IV in ruina and uhm

just reminded me of someone idk

[beevean]

I usually understand why popular characters are popular, even if I can't stand them, but this one case still confuses me and enrages me.

There is nothing to like about N!Isaac. Everything remotely interesting he has was stolen from Hector and done poorly to boot.

[stardustdiiving]

They’re going to confirm my idea of Arlecchino cycles of abuse story and I am going to go absolutely bonkers

[chirpingfromthebox]

Making Mischief

With all the depressing and worrying news from the league these days, I figured it was time to distract myself by dusting off and finishing this old draft o' mine.

I don't know enough about hockey to make posts making insightful comments on the intricacies and nuances of the sport. So I'll stay in my lane: hyperfixating on weirdly specific topics.

With that being said, here is my attempt to convince the higher ups (in this case this being all you cool kids on Tumblr) of my idea for the best name for PWHL New York.

First of all, I am not a New Yorker. Gotta get that out of the way upfront. So, New Yorkers, feel free to judge me all you want.

[jk, New Yorkers don't need permission. they were already doing it anyway.]

Second of all, there is no chance outside of the biggest "donation" you've ever dreamed of for them to be named the Pizza Rats.

It's just not gonna happen.

It's too much fun and too internety.

Sports teams tend to want names that are edgy or strong or cool. But more than anything they tend to want something that's as inoffensive as possible so as to be blandly palatable to everyone.

But I'm willing to compromise!

Part 1:

The Name

Okay, so we can't have Pizza Rats. I'm also going to imagine they'll never go for The Rats either. So I present to you an option that works for everyone:

The New York Mischief

Is it tough/cool/etc?

I would argue it's that perfect middle ground of tough, cool, and fun. This team is out here causing some trouble, but, you know, like misdemeanor-level trouble. The rebellious fun kind of trouble. And who doesn't love a rebel?

[Wait, does Canada have a Misdemeanor vs. Felony system for crimes? In case it doesn't, Misdemeanors are lesser crimes: shoplifting, graffiti, indecent exposure, simple assaults, trespassing, etc. As opposed to felonies, which are major crimes: treason, murder, arson, kidnapping, etc.]

Does it sound good?

I think so! It sounds like a special brand of trouble you can only find from the Empire State. You'd see someone do something wild and go, "Oh snap, that's some New York mischief right there."

But most importantly: Does it involve Rats?

Thank you for asking! And YES it does!

"Mischief" is the collective noun for a group of rats!

And this is how we sneak the rats into New York.

Part 2:

Rats are Amazing and If You Don't Agree You Are Wrong

I get it, people hate naming teams after animals they consider to be "common" or "pests". They want apex predators! They want something deadly and muscley with some pointy bits!

But please bear with me as I make a case for why rats are awesome.

Let's start by debunking the general reasons why people would be averse to associating their team with the humble rat.

Rats are the weak prey to stronger creatures. People love to name teams after apex predators and megafauna. But you know what's almost universally on the endangered species list? Apex predators. They sound cool, they're tough, they could kick my ass, but if you face the facts they are generally not survivors. But rats? People have been actively trying to kill them for centuries! And we have failed! At best you can hope to win a battle with them, because you aren't going to win the war.

Rats are disease carrying vermin. I can't really say this isn't technically true of some wild rats. But if we're scared of Sharks because they might eat us, we're afraid of rats because they are inevitable. You can stay away from sharks, but you can't stay away from rats. They're coming for you. You can see them lurking in the shadows. You can hear them in your walls. If you give them any chance they're going to gnaw their way into your house, shit in your oatmeal, and just generally fuck up your stuff. Just look at the definition of vermin: "small common harmful or objectionable animals...that are difficult to control" And remember, dear readers, the rats aren't bringing trouble upon rats, they are bringing it to everyone else. Only the non-rats have to fear the Mischief.

Rats don't have the values we want in a team. Ridiculous! Anyone who thinks such a thing doesn't know anything about rats. As anyone who has had pet rats before can tell you, rats are actually highly intelligent and very social. They love to play. They are excellent problem solvers. They are scrappy survivors capable of flourishing in almost any environment. And they laugh when you tickle them.

And what says "New York" better than scrappy survivors who won't go down without a fight, work together when things get tough, and are always disrespecting other people's homes?

And while I've never had the opportunity to try it, I suspect that New Yorkers might also laugh when tickled.

Part 3:

Imagery

Okay, so "Mischief." In terms of imagery, how can you sell that?

And I'll tell you!

You do it by NOT having a little cartoon Rat for a logo. I can't help but imagine whatever marketing firm they hire trying to do some San Jose Sharks style thing with a rat biting through the hockey stick. Or a Penguins-style thing with a rat in skates or something.

I know I might be alone in this, but little cartoon animals for logos is really hard to do right. It is just way too much of a representational image for something inherently ethereal: a sports team and the community around it.

Sure, there have been teams that have made it work. But it requires a truly skilled graphic designer and you can't bet on the suits upstairs finding one of those. Like, if you're going to have an animal logo you gotta get a little representational with it.

(speaking of which the MN Wild has a dope logo and I wanna throw hands with all the people who talk shit about it. From a graphic design standpoint that logo has more thought put into it than any other logo in the NHL.)

I also have beef with logos that are just letters. Listen, I love the art of typography, but if your logo is a letter that you added a modicum of flair too? You were out of ideas.

You told your graphic design team, "We don't want to seem boring, but we also want the bare minimum. Give us the most broadly palatable thing you can make."

I am not a great artist and definitely don't know anything about designing logos. But to put my money where my mouth is I sketched a couple of basic ideas just to prove that it's possible and that there's potential here.

I was trying to riff the idea of the Rat King because I think it fits in with the idea of rats as being more than animals, but part of legends and mythos all their own.

Throwing one onto the actual jersey for fun:

I dunno! This if this is just me messing around. Imagine what you could come up with if you paid someone with actual talent!

The End

Anyways, that's my pitch. Thank you for listening to my idea. Please feel free to come up with your own. It's not like they're listening, so we might as well have fun here in the shadows.

And you know who else likes to have fun in the shadows?

That's right!

THE RATS!

[possessable]

me on the 12th Expedition but i start using my journal for "12th Expedition Possession AU Fanfic" of my teammates instead and then the psychologist finds out and decides to just straight up kill me