#This was based more off the comic than the film I apologise

[benevolentsam]

This is totally ridiculous, but for a prompt: Castiel vs. The World. Cas must defeat Sam's exes.

I only did the first evil ex, if I’d have done them all, it would have gotten way out of control! Thank you for the prompt, I hope you enjoy!

Cas stood backstage, Anna was sat text on her phone and Benny was pacing the stage back and forth. All Cas could do was stare from the wing up at the balcony, where his brother and room mate and girlfriend and sort of boyfriend were all sat. They were talking. Talking was dangerous, talking was how secrets got revealed. Cas wanted to scream, needed to move. He started pacing alongside Benny.

“Crash and the Boys are pretty good,” Benny bit his lip and paused to watch the band on stage. Their songs were powerful, the music literally pulsing  out of the speakers. 

“We’re better,” Anna replied, not even looking up from her phone. Benny took a deep breath and sat next to her, leaving Cas stood up and pacing. 

“You better have your A-game today, Cas,” Benny warned. But Cas couldn’t hear what Benny was saying. His brother, Samandriel, and Sam had both gotten up at the same time. Probably to go to the bathroom. Everyone liked to gossip in the bathroom. “Cas! Pay attention to something other than your own problems, bud.” Cas sighed and joined the rest of the band on the couch. 

The band on stage announced their next song, last song kills the audience. Cas’ jaw hung open. They couldn’t be serious right. The speakers exploded with a flurry of noise, and then sudden silence. That was followed by a hundred dull thuds. Cas peeked behind the curtains, the entire audience were on the floor. They were really dead, the last song killed the audience.

“I’ve seen this before, it usually only knocks them out for about 20 minutes,” Benny reassured Cas.

“Yeah, but we’re playing next,” Anna said. She slipped her phone into her back pocket. “We’re playing to an unconscious audience. I’m sure that’ll make us win.”

Crash and the Boys tumbled off of the stage, each pulling a smug face as they walked past Cas. Great, they were going to lose the battle of the bands, Cas was going to lose his girlfriend and sort of boyfriend all in one night. He figured he might as well make the most of it. He picked up his bass and staggered onto the stage, closely followed by Anna and Benny. Samandriel gave a cheer as he walked on, the only other people awake were Sam and Ezekiel. Even Hannah was passed out on the floor. 

“WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB,” Anna called out to a silent room. She counted the band in, and Cas managed to get in a single note before the ceiling caved in. There was a girl hurtling towards them, her finger outstretched and pointing at Cas.

“Castiel, it is I - Amy Pond!” She cried out. “Prepare to die!” She drew back her fist as if to punch Cas.

“Guys, move out the way,” Cas told Benny and Anna. They needed no warning, both diving straight for the wings. Castiel was left with the girl, quickly getting in an uppercut before she could punch him.

Amy Pond fell to the ground, already groaning from a single punch. Still, she pushed herself from the ground and charged at Cas once more only to be stopped when he kicked her in the stomach. There was a fire in her eyes as she stood again and ran towards Castiel. From somewhere behind him, he heard Benny chuckling.

“Doesn’t this chick know Cas is the best fighter in the province?” He said, loud enough for Amy to hear. She didn’t seem to heed the warning and carried on her path towards Cas. Yet again, he punched her hard enough to knock her into the air. He didn’t stop there though, he continued his rapid jabs, building up the combo, before finally knocking her to the ground.

“So, you’re as good as they say, Castiel,” Amy grunted, pushing herself to stand.

“As good as who said? Who are they? Who are you?”

“I’m Amy Pond, Sam’s first evil ex girlfriend!” Everyone turned to look at Sam, who was sat on the edge of the balcony looking sheepish. There was a blush on his face, and Cas took a second to appreciate the beauty of Sam’s face.

It was a second too long, and Amy pulled Cas back into battle with a punch to his left cheek.

“Wait a second, you’re fighting me over Sam?” He blocked another punch from Amy.

“Yes- Did you not get the email explaining everything?” Amy replied indignantly. Cas thought back to when he was using Ezekiel’s computer, to the email he skimmed and quickly deleted. Amy stopped fighting to give Cas a stern look. “I can’t believe you didn’t read the email.”

“I can’t believe you’re fighting me over Sam!” Cas cried out. “When did you even date her?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Amy replied quickly. Cas pushed her to ground and quickly turned to Sam to explain. Sam sighed.

“I dated her in the seventh grade. It was football season and for some reason that got all the kids going. Amy was the only non-human at our high school, she wasn’t into all that stuff, it was intriguing, I was interested. We beat up every prep, jock, popular who came near us. With my strength and Amy’s kitsune powers we were unbeatable.

"But we were bullies, using our power the wrong way,” Sam frowned. “We kissed once and I called it quits after a week and half. I don’t know when she became like this.”

“Wait, kitsune? She’s a kitsune?” Cas questioned. With a menacing grin, Cas watched as Amy’s face changed, her features becoming more angular and her eyes changing shape. Definitely a kitsune.

Her claws extended from her fingers, and she ran at Cas much quicker and more frenzied than before. It was like freaking Wolverine darting towards him, and Cas could only think to cross his arms in front of his face as defence. The blocking worked, and Amy’s claws shattered as they came into contact with Cas’ arm. Amy started at her hands, mourning the loss of her claws, and Cas took advantage of the distraction. With a swift upper cut, Amy turned into smoke.

A handful of changed clattered to the ground, and Cas immediately ran over to pick it up.

“How much is there?” Cas looked up to see Sam stood over him, a tight smile on his face. Cas counted out $2.10.

“Not even enough for the bus home,” he frowned. Sam rolled his eyes and pulled Cas up by the sleeve of his jacket.

“I’ll lend you the money, lets go,” he insisted. The rest of the band, Samandriel, Ezekiel and Hannah were all stood around talking to one of the hosts of the event. Sam was stood by the doorway framed in a halo of light. He slipped off to follow Sam.

“I guess I have some explaining to do.”

Forever accepting prompts

[musette22]

hi i was going through your civil war premiere tag and saw some asks about evanstan not having any interviews for cw and i noticed that along with the fact that during tws press days, seb was kind of, how do i say this, like where they placed him for the interviews made it seem like he was just a character off to the side? idk if im making any sense. so for example for comic con, i think we all know that the way they’re seated is most likely from how big their role is in the film or their importance in the film (i could be wrong though!) and seb was literally the second to last person sitting at the table and people like frank grillo and such were higher up than he was. now based on the movie and the fact that his name is literally in the title of the movie, you would expect him to be sat elsewhere. this was the day when he was wearing like a red plaid shirt and a jeans jacket over it. and it wasn’t just this interview but most of them were like this. and again, the title is literally “captain america:the winter soldier” you would expect majority of the interviews to have, you know, captain america (chris) and the winter soldier (sebastian) together. idk seems weird to me.

i just realised how much i rambled on here😅😅sorry about that.

No need to apologise, lovely! Those are some very interesting thoughts! I'm not sure if I ever realised that Seb was usually seated more the sides during press panels etc for TWS, but now that you mention it, that's true! Maybe they arranged them according to the amount of lines they had in the movie? 😂 I can also imagine it was just because Sebastian was still much less famous than most of the other people in the panel at that point, though maybe not Grillo 🤔 But yeah, it's kind of weird seeing as the movie was literally called Captain America: The Winter Soldier!

[langernameohnebedeutung]

I’m probably parrotting to the wrong choir here, but at least part of the truth about liking villains vs. condemning villains is...I don’t consume villain content in order to find healthy coping strategies and genuine life advice. I don’t look for healthy coping strategies in sci-fi films and fantasy books or on ao3 in the first place, because 99% of all that input is not produced by people that a) intent or b) are qualified to give meaningful life advice.

 Sometimes things we read or watch can be detrimental to our mental health or can make us happier or mean a lot to us. And that is also why it is important to tag, warn, and summarise content: So that people can avoid things that are bad for them and find things that comfort them. But what popular fiction never is, is a clear, intentional, professional, and universal guide.

 We already talked about how even the most horrible people will read novels where they resemble the bad guys and identify with the good guys instead rather than reflecting their own behaviour. That is, because narratives need stakes. The hero needs to be David, not Goliath. And we too see ourselves as Goliath, in our lives. Because there are always things that are bigger than us. And because we know that David will win.

 But sometimes...sometimes it is quite nice to feel like the giant. Especially when we’re used to feeling small.

 Sure “I like this villain because villains get to do things we want to but can’t” might seem like a tiny brained answer, but if you expand a little, there is truth to it: Sometimes I want to see someone go bloody ape-shit in response to trauma, injustice, being underestimated or forgotten. Sometimes I want to see someone just care about themselves and burn the whole place down and look fabulous doing it, because I know, that in real-life, very often it is sympathy and empathy holding me back for even insisting on minor and very rational things, simply because I don’t want to be a burden on others and because I prioritise other people very highly. There is catharsis in that; in seeing someone getting it out of their system in the most violent way possible just like there is catharsis in going for a run or punching the hell out of a punching bag when you’re frustrated even though you would never chase down and beat up a person.

Because even when see characters standing up for themselves - think of the infamous internet rage over Captain Marvel stealing that bike from the dude that harassed her – their actions are usually centred around punishing the culprit, not the emotions of the party that was wronged. But people got angry. Not because she stole a car, or because she stole it from a men even – but because her acting in response to sexual harassment connected the scene with deep roots of social context and political opinions and expectations.

And, despite hundreds, maybe thousands of films in existence where a white male protagonist steals a car or bike or anything else to save the day, she is read as a villain here simply for doing the rational thing. Much less could she have killed him and burnt down his house, because she is a hero and it doesn’t serve the plot and that would not be the thing a hero does.

A villain burning the whole joint down because someone looked at them funny is acting selfishly, self-centred. But what are you going to do, call them a villain? Duh. Complain about how what they’re doing is wrong? Well, yes.

 The lane of their actions is not narrowed by the actions of the culprit on the one side (heroes have to react appropriately and proportionally) and the expectations of the good-guy on the other (they have to act in accordance with forwarding the plot). Which means putting up with an asshole sidekick or apologising if they undergo character development that makes them a ‘better’ person and requires them to forgive someone). You might have your odd Logan who will throw a punch when he’s pissed – but here we already venture into the territory of an anti-hero.

And personally, our anger, our disappointment, all that will always be much more contained than any fictional space - by our financial situation, the people we depend on, our job, our studies, or family, our social circle. We live in a web of social expectations that we depend on every moment of our life.

Fiction itself also exists in a web of social context: What influence does it have on the audience? Will it sell? What implications does it have? How does it present its characters? Who is the author and what do they stand for? - but the fictional space, aka the world constructed in a novel, is wholly separate:

If I write a novel where I state that every Canadian person likes the colour blue and wears funny hats, then this is true in the universe of that novel, no matter what any Canadian reader might feel about it. This means two things:

1.       As writers, producers, and even as producers of fan-content, we have to be critical about what we put into the world, because by creating a fictional space, we create characters who cannot stand up against the things we say about them or make them do. Just like the superheroine in the skimpy outfit who gets her powers through the sun shining down on her nipples cannot have an authentic discussion about her body. And when young girls read our comic and see that all the male heroes are clothed and the heroine isn’t, then we are the one that came up with the sunshine-nipples.

2.       Our very own, personal interpretation of the novel – even our own - and the way we relate to it is our own. The feelings we project on the characters are individual, personal, and shaped by us.

And yes, villains usually see their comeuppance. And the thing is, many people argue here: “Well, it’s okay if the villain does x, as long as they’re punished for it.” But...that’s a difficult subject. A piece of fiction can condemn the actions of the villain without seeing them lose – the challenge to the writer is to still form a satisfying narrative, because the villain winning is the ‘likely’-seeming thing that every narrative subverts when the hero levels up and returns with her new friends to kick the villain’s ass. But even if you sympathise with the villain, seeing them win would still be an unsatisfying narrative, most of the time.

Because the whole point of an actual evil villain - and sympathising with an actual villain - is that what they’re doing is unjust. Malicious. Selfish. And projecting your desire to strike back or stand up on a villain and seeking catharsis through seeing them go wild and tear down the city needs the pushback. For them burning down the house to be satisfying, you need to see the house burn. For them to blow up the house of parliament to be satisfying – you must see the explosion.

And watching them lose provides the ultimate, necessary gravitas. Watching Team Rocket fly off with Pikachu and live happily ever after on Team Rocket money would not be satisfying. Watching our super-villain burn the world to a crisp with their death-laser would not be satisfying if they just end up getting their rocket and flying off while drinking space-mojitos.

Whether they end up being redeemed or not: The initial moment that someone fights back and defeats them at the height of their immorality and prevents the suffering of innocents is the moment that their willingness and readiness to commit violence is put to the test.

 We know the hero goes through a journey of their own - one that requires sacrifice and steels their commitment until they are ready to take on the villain. And knowing that someone is willing to make sacrifices to be able to take the villain down is the ultimate acknowledgement of the transgressive act the villain committed. Without it, it would be empty. Like watching someone punch the air.

But the truth is also that when you recreate the fictional space in another, secondary space – fanfiction, fan content, fanart – you decide what to focus on. Like, we all enjoy hurt/comfort stories, but they have a different intention than something focussed on action or the growth of the hero – because that requires for us to see the villain go down. The focus is no longer the transgressive acts of the villain – but to lay bare the pain that caused them. It is no longer about beating them down for the sake of justice.

Like, when I make a post about Frankenstein’s monster living happily ever after and people tell me that hey, the monster killed a lot of people - then we have a different premise. Because me not adding a line about the evil things the monster did to my post was based on the premise that you knew that random tumblr user langernameohnebedeutung does not condone the crime of murder because she posts about a 200-year-old book. And the #fact that my point doesn’t construct an ending where the monster stands in front of a judge and is sentenced to a certain time in jail or punished by a more heroic person is because I have daddy issues and seeing a giant creature go on a rampage through Europe to get back at its asshole Dad in a way I never could makes me quite happy the novel focussing on its acts of violence already did this and my post clearly had a different intention.

[fusonzai]

花束みたいな恋をした

Hantaba mitai na koi wo shita

When I first moved to Japan, to say I had some struggles would be an understatement.

It was my first time living away from home, and in a foreign country where I didn’t speak much of the language. I mismanaged my savings, overestimated how much I’d be getting paid, and greatly underestimated just how bad the dreaded daily train ride was.

I was living in a pretty worn down apartment in a somewhat far area called Chofu. Life there was certainly interesting. The apartment was built at least 100 years prior to me living there and it was located 30 minutes from the station. Even though the rent was cheap I was still living pay check to pay check, misusing my credit card in an attempt to feign normalcy.

(First book store, pretending I could read anything)

Suffice to say five years later, when I stepped into the cinema to watch 花束みたいな恋をした, I was taken aback when the films male lead was also living pay check to pay check in a decrepit apartment in Chofu. Shots of Chofu station and the recently completed shopping mall all made me nostalgic for a time that I feel was incredibly formative for me now, years later.

The two leads are both incredibly talented and popular entertainers in Japan. Suda Masaki (the male lead) has appeared in countless television shows and released acclaimed albums while Arimura Kasumi comes off to me as Japan’s sweetheart; starring in romantic dramas in both television and cinema. Their popularity could be compared to that of Timothee Chalamet and Zendaya. I’m not one to spoil films for people, or re-tell stories already told on the screen, but due to the sheer unlikelihood of this film being translated or released anytime soon; some concessions had to be made.

(Tell me these two aren't adorable)

The film centres around the 5 year relationship between two soon to be university graduates, Mugi (Suda Masaki) and Kinu (Arimura Kasumi), and the highs and lows that they experience as a couple in their twenties, navigating their first adult relationship. Mugi is a creative type, writing short comic strips on commission, not too sure of his own direction post university whilst Kinu describes herself as the type of person whose luck is so bad that whenever she drops toast, it always falls butter side first. Kinu comes off as more earnest and less outgoing than Mugi, however the two are both still on that precipice of adulthood. Not quite sure where their lives will lead, still enjoying that idle time between the end of university and the jump into the working world.

(Mugi & Kinu during that honeymoon phase)

We start in 2020 with both Mugi and Kinu sitting in a cafe with different partners; they’ve clearly broken up and don’t even acknowledge each other when they first notice one another. A chance at rekindled love seems unlikely, this is going to be a how they got to where they are type story. A little less ‘The Notebook’ and a little more’500 Days of Summer’.

We’re then taken back to 2015 and see the two meet at the always busy Meidaimae station. They both fail to catch that last train home and spend a night together in Karaoke Bars, Izakayas and eventually Mugi’s apartment where Kinu falls asleep watching his 3 hour long movie on Gas Tanks. They go on three dates where Mugi (afraid of being relegated to only friends) confesses his feelings towards Kinu, and the two start dating.

These initial encounters are so important in detailing the striking amount of shared interests they have. They read the same books, use movie tickets as bookmarks for said books, like the same music, even wear the same white converse sneakers. Yet they tend to hide their differences from one another. Kinu isn’t all too interested in Mugi’s 3 hour gas tank short film and Mugi wasn’t as interested as Kinu in the Egyptian exhibit they both had tickets for before they met. This hiding of differences only gets worse as time passes.

They both graduate and move in together. We’re shown the harshness of Japan’s shuushoku. This is a practice where everyone applies for career orientated jobs at the same time, but those that fail generally have to wait until next year. Kinu fails initially and works part time jobs. Things don’t go well for Mugi either; his freelance work dries up and he decides to bow to the pressures around him and begin looking for a real job. After an almost honeymoon like two years together, the two eventually begin their ‘adult’ jobs, and we first see the cracks of their relationship start to show.

Throughout the next 3 years, we see two people who have gotten through their relationship solely via common interests, suddenly see those shared hobbies crumble. They’re left with the realisation that they can’t actually communicate that well, and feel helpless in trying to stop the conflict that ensues. Mugi works overtime at the new job that he clearly doesn’t enjoy, because he believes, as a man, that he has to provide and protect the status quo and that the adult thing to do is abandon those things that once brought him enjoyment. Meanwhile Kinu struggles to figure out what she wants to do. She eventually gets a job through shuushoku however it doesn’t seem to suit her at all and she ponders changing to a more fulfilling yet lower paying job. The two both get so caught up in their own situations that they often don’t see each other for days at a time. Their walks home together and time spent playing Zelda on the couch gradually fade until they’re no longer. Their arguments about work and life get worse with neither of them managing to get through to the other, at times wondering how they even ended up together.

This all culminates in them deciding to break up after their friend’s wedding, sharing one last happy day together before going their separate ways.

There’s a lot of scenes in this movie that I’d like to break down but for now I want to talk about the break up scene. This scene felt so reflective of some dated, but still prevalent, ideas about love and marriage in Japan that were often espoused to me here by co workers and friends.

Kinu can’t relate to her boyfriend anymore, they don’t have sex, nearly every conversation ends in a fight and anything she tries to do just seems to push the two further apart. Mugi seems too caught up in his job and the future: he believes it’s natural for two people to grow apart after the love fades, and that marriage and starting a family is key to get over this hurdle.

Foregoing the wedding reception afterparty, the two have their break up at the same chain restaurant where Mugi first confessed his love. They go to sit in their original seats, but they’re already occupied. Something about this stung in some indirect way, almost as if the film maker is forewarning that the two can no longer go back to how they were. After some debate, they both air their grievances. Kinu has fallen out of love but Mugi believes that this is normal and believes marriage is the answer. There’s this beautifully acted monologue from Mugi where he ruminates on a future where he and Kinu get married and have children. He romanticises how nice it’d be to be called Mama and Papa, to go on holiday, to take the kids to Disneyland and to have people say, ‘those two had some issues but they really sorted it all out’. He believes love is a like a raw object and has an expiration date, with marriage being the key to prolonging that expiration.

For almost a second it looks as though Kinu is going to accept this fanciful, but sadly flawed, proposal until a young couple behind them is seated in their old spot. This part is almost too on the nose. The couple displays that same youthful awkwarkdness that Mugi and Kuni once had and goes through the exact same motions they did; swapping books, and talking music interests and of course they’re also wearing white converses.

Their youthful bliss and naivety is piercing to both the audience and the sombre couple. Mugi realises it’s over, Kinu realises it’s over, and judging from the sniffles in the audience everyone watching does too. There are some things you just can’t get back, there isn’t a reset button, and you can’t use marriage and children to fix your issues.

This seems common sense to me, however the interactions I’ve had since moving to Japan suggest that that might not be the norm here.

Marriage and weddings in the west always seemed liked a celebration of two peoples’ relationship up until that point and then the beginning of the next chapter of their life together. I used to work catering at weddings, and it’s strange to think that statistically half of those incredibly stressed, but incredibly joyous, couples will divorce, or already have.

So why do these once happy couples decide to go their separate ways? Extramarital affairs is still one of the top cited reasons in the west. It’s also probably the only thing I don’t think I could ever forgive. From an early age this ideal had been drilled into me that people that were married were in love and if you’re in love why would you cheat? If you didn’t want to be with that person, why would you marry them? I think infidelity is still incredibly strong grounds for divorce in the west. If you’re caught you can apologise and maybe make amends but there’s always a stain on the relationship from the outside, once a cheater always a cheater etc. There’s a strong emphasis on faithfulness above almost all else.

Flash forward a few years to me moving to Japan. Now before the move here, I’d seen the Youtube videos and the stories from friends of friends about rampant infidelity in Japan. One of my favourite entertainment personalities found out his wife was cheating on him for the entirety of their marriage and waited until she got citizenship to tell him. I don’t believe anyone is in a position to make broad claims about the culture of a country based on some internet articles. I believe you need experience to shape your world view but that doesn���t mean your world view is necessarily the correct one.

Whilst being an advanced country in many facets, gender roles in Japan often feel as though they have some catching up to do. Whilst there’s this heavy pressure to get married early (if you’re female, 25 and not seeing someone with the intention to get married, what the hell are you doing?) and a market much like the west promoting incredibly expensive weddings and honeymoons, there isn’t that much to care about after the marriage (provided you’re having children, of course). It’s strange in that I found I admired the whole one unit aspect of marriage here. Financially, it seemed that whilst most of my co workers and friends wives controlled the purse strings, big decisions were made together. There is a coldness to the lack of emotion to some of these decisions, but they were often best in the long run.

However there also seemed to be this separation of marriage and of love. Friends wouldn’t consider it cheating if their partner slept with a sex worker or if it was only because they were drunk. I had friends who were actively cheating on their partner whilst being aware that their partner was actively cheating on them. However there was this weird agreement that as long as neither was too obvious it was alright. I had an old boss who said if he was feeling the urge, he’d just go see a sex worker as that arrangement was better for both him and his wife. It was almost as if being married and being in love weren’t mutually exclusive. Love and sexual attraction were for young people, marriage was about creating a family and supporting that family. Marriage was the next step in a relationship to further your life (married people often get paid more, there are large subsidies for having children etc.) As responsible adults, a couple would get married by 30 or so to have children and protect the status quo. If you didn’t disturb that status quo too much; some cheating was allowed and often expected.

(My boss & I, sunglasses and all)

“Marriage is a result, not a destination” is a line my boss uttered to me. I was dating a girl who shared different views on marriage than I did. Our relationship was expected to end in marriage in a sense; her family knew of me and mine her. I didn’t want to get married but at the same I loved her so much that I thought the only way to show that was marriage. My boss thought there was a flaw in her and a lot of Japan’s way of thinking. He believed that marriage wasn’t something to strive for, but merely the result of a happy relationship. He also thought my love had an expiry date and his estimation wasn’t far off.

I don’t think his line of thinking is all that idealistic, the heavy expectation of marriage at the start of a relationship puts pressure on a base that isn’t that well established. Is there a line we can draw between knowing what you want from a relationship and expecting too much before you even know the other partner? Had Kinu and Mugi discussed their differences earlier on would that have saved them down the track or only led them to a faster break up where they could then move onto more suitable partners?

Looking at Mugi’s proposal from a purely western lens, it seems ludicrous and somewhat insulting. Looking at it from my own experiences, it’s still not romantic, but it has an appealing practicality that I’m sure some older people in the audience may relate to.

(Wise words, to translate it roughly: Young hearts, don't run free)

With all this in mind, the break up scene really is layered with expectations and differing ideologies. What surprised me the most was that after this tear laden break up, the two lived a plutonic and, by all accounts, friendly 3 months together whilst they both sorted out their individual accommodation. They both opt to move out and leave the old apartment and those old memories behind. The idea of living with someone for 3 months post break up seems almost ludicrous. The fact that they live these three months as if they’re in their honeymoon phase again is baffling initially, but once you remove romance and talk to the person you’re with, without the expectations you once had, it isn’t really all that surprising. These two had and still have more in common than they do apart. Whilst initially off putting, it’s charming that these two best friends can live together even though they’ve separated. I look at the countless times people break up; sides are chosen in friendship groups and efforts are made to not invite both people to the same event. Could you live with your ex after you broke up for 3 months? Doesn’t it make more sense for you to still want the person you shared so much of your life with to still be in it regardless of what once was? Regardless of what was, wouldn’t you still want someone you shared so much of your life with to still be around in some way?

Three months pass and we’re back to the cafe again, both Kinu and Mugi with their respective new partners. They leave the cafe at the same time, ride the same long escalator down whilst not acknowledging each other. They split at the end of the escalator, both of them raise their hand waving goodbye, not knowing if the other is waving as well.

There is something sobering and satisfying about such an anti-climactic ending. They didn’t run into each other’s arms, this meeting wasn’t the start of the second act of the film like I suspected it would be. It was simply two people that once were together continuing down a different road. We often watch romantic films to see two people fall in love and learn to live a life together. Depending on the film it can often seem too idyllic or fanciful but it always seems in reach…if you find that right person. Hanataba mitai na koi wo shita presents a more grounded argument. The right person isn’t always enough. Your situation, your beliefs and your respective flaws might get the best of you. Your own happy ever after might not be all you thought it would be, hell it might not even be one at all.

[jangoandtheclones]

some little thoughts on tros

(spoilers, for who hasn’t seen it)

(also these are my opinions and i am not stating anything in a “i am right about everything” sort of way, nor will i argue or get mad at anyone who thinks differently or was perfectly happy with how the movie turned out) (let’s just be nice to one another and discuss things peacefully, it’s fine if we don’t agree on everything but we’re all in this fandom together, you know?)

(also this is all over the place and just rambling, i apologise)

Overall I had an enjoyable time watching TROS. I did have a few problems here and there, but there were things I liked.

I was actually very interested in the Palpatine revelation, and I thought the scenes between him and Rey (and Ben when he finally showed up) were very cool.

I could also get behind a Kylo Ren/Ben Solo redemption arc, and even though there are probably other ways they could have gone about doing it, I’m not terribly unhappy with how they did it. I actually really liked that scene between him and Han, mirroring the scene in TFA where he kills him, I thought it was nice and I’m a sucker for cinematic parallels (I have no idea if that’s the right term, if it is not I would appreciate it if someone corrected me). I also got big-time Han Solo vibes off Ben when he ran in to fight people with A SINGLE BLASTER. And that little shrug when Rey Force-teleports the lightsaber to him was fun, idk. I was always pretty interested in the character, I’m not too unhappy with how he turned out, buuuuuuut...

...while I can imagine the kiss at the end being maybe a “oh my god thank you for saving me” thing rather than a “I love you romantically let’s get married” sort of thing if I really try to look at it that way, it still feels quite forced to me. I always saw Kylo’s behaviour toward Rey in the previous two movies as more manipulative to try and gain a powerful ally he had a Force connection with, rather than attempts at gaining her affections or whatever. Heck, I even considered desperation at the thought of gaining an ally that could help him get away from Snoke and rule the galaxy (I haven’t watched TLJ recently, this may have been exactly what he said he wanted, so if that is the case, nevermind!). Basically, I just never at any point could see Kylo actually liking Rey, and I especially could never see Rey liking him. I could see Rey feeling pity, maybe, as he’s clearly tormented and brainwashed by Snoke (or Palpatine, as this movie revealed), but romance? I’ve seen people compare Kylo/Ben many times to Mr. Darcy (you know, Pride & Prejudice) and I feel like people often miss out on the fact that Darcy didn’t torture Elizabeth for information, nor did he kill her friends, nor was he known previously for mass murder, you know?

Also, Poe Dameron’s suddenly revealed past as a spice-runner? I only have two of the Poe Dameron comics (which I thought were canon material?) and I was wondering if this was ever brought up in later issues? The spice-runner thing seems to come out of nowhere and just felt really out of place to me, I didn’t really like it. It didn’t feel like it fit his established character, I felt like they were trying to turn him into a new character and it didn’t feel right to me, I couldn’t get into it. I wasn’t too happy with the way Poe was treated in TLJ, but in TROS I just felt uncomfortable with how his character was handled.

I liked Poe’s funny moments (”I KNEW IT!” is still echoing in my ears and shall continue to do so for many weeks to come), but the spice-runner thing... I just don’t get why this was added. Any of his knowledge on “shady” things didn’t seem weird to me at all for a character who regularly goes on dangerous missions, sometimes secretly, I honestly don’t feel like “oh yeah he was a space drug dealer” does anything to explain how he can basically hotwire a starfighter or whatever. I’m curious to hear what other people thought of his characterisation in this film, I’m open to having my mind changed, but I am genuinely not happy with this at the moment. Also, the addition of a possible former flame was unexpected to me too (though I will admit, his little flirty look at the end followed by her shaking her head “no” was kind of funny). 

Finn deserved better, as usual... I like the thought of him meeting other former stormtroopers, he got a “It’s not just me!” moment and I thought that was awesome (and the thought of Lando taking these poor kids out to find out where they’re from warms my heart so much). And oh my goodness, Force-sensitive Finn is something I have been waiting for and expecting since the beginning... But I feel like there is so much more he could have been doing, he’s such a good character and I feel like he isn’t given enough to work with.

Honestly, would love to see Finn as a Jedi one day, that shot of John Boyega on Starkiller Base with Luke’s lightsaber in The Force Awakens is still one of my favourite moments in this trilogy.

I liked Rose Tico and I wish she had more to do in this film. She got more hate than she deserved in TLJ and Kelly Marie Tran is a diamond.

Finally, I like the idea of Hux being so frustrated with having to answer to a highly unstable space wizard with a laser sword, and trying to help out the opposing side simply to spite him. BUT, I feel it could have been handled differently? Maybe his character could be a little smarter about it? I feel like he had the right space villain motivation, but he was kinda stupid about it, and the movie kinda threw this revelation at us and then ended it almost immediately. Idk, I don’t know too much about Hux except for that his first name is Armitage and he’s an evil Bill Weasley, maybe it was perfectly in character.

Overall, I had a fun time. I would have liked a few things to have been different, even if I’m not sure how I personally would have changed them right now, but overall I don’t regret having seen the movie.

If you read, feel free to disagree with anything (or even everything!), but please don’t get mad at me and please explain or argue your points in a civil manner, I see too many people argue and insult each other over what they liked and didn’t like in these movies.

Also, thanks for reading! ♡

[the-desolated-quill]

We Need To Talk About James Gunn - Quill’s Scribbles

This could prove to be the most controversial Scribble I’ve ever written on this blog, and the sad thing is it really shouldn’t be, in my opinion.

First off, a couple of disclaimers because I know some people are going to accuse me of ‘bias’. I’ve never been very fond of James Gunn as a filmmaker, it’s true. I thought the first Guardians Of The Galaxy movie was okay at best and I absolutely hated the sequel, but I confess that’s less to do with any inherent flaws in the films themselves and more to do with the fact that I just don’t like Gunn’s style of humour. Oh don’t get me wrong. There are still legitimate problems, which I’ll go into later when they become relevant, but I’m big enough to admit that my dislike for his brand of comedy and storytelling is merely due to my own subjective tastes (the same is true of Taika Waititi and Thor: Ragnarok).

Okay. So. Let’s talk about James Gunn.

As I’m sure most of you know, in July 2018, an alt-right conspiracy theorist called Mike Cernovich unearthed tweets made by Gunn between 2008 and 2012 where he made offensive jokes and remarks about sensitive topics such as rape, child abuse and paedophilia. While James Gunn did apologise and vowed to ‘do better,’ Disney, fearing the public backlash, fired Gunn as director of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 and dismissed him from any role in producing and expanding Marvel’s planned ‘Cosmic Universe.’ The result was the public backlash Disney were trying to avoid in the first place. They received a lot of criticism from various entertainers and filmmakers, as well as many media outlets such as Collider and The Independent, the cast of Guardians wrote a letter urging Disney to reconsider their decision with Dave Bautista in particular being very vocal in his criticism, and there was a massive outcry from fans who petitioned for Gunn to be rehired. Guy Lodge, writing for The Guardian, asked the question ‘Was James Gunn the first undeserving victim of Hollywood’s new zero tolerance policy?’ Now I’d argue the answer to that question is a definitive no, but apparently, and surprisingly, that’s not a very popular opinion among liberals. So I’d very much like to challenge them as we explore James Gunn’s moral character and ask ourselves why he’s being defended so passionately.

Before we go any further, I think it would be a good idea for me to show you some of the tweets that we’re talking about, just to remind everyone what we’re dealing with here.

Now I hope we can all agree that this is objectively disgusting. Only an amoral, depraved and utterly moronic individual would find offensive tweets like these even remotely funny. But I should make it clear that, by James Gunn’s own admission, these tweets represent who he was rather than who he is. In his apology, he described himself as a ‘provocateur’ during the early days of his career, making shocking statements for the purposes of ‘satire.’ But it’s okay because he’s a better person who has grown and matured fully and will never do this again. Fair enough, you’d think. He admitted what he did was wrong and apologised profusely. That was a very honourable and decent thing to do.

Except we’ve seen this song and dance before.

In 2012, roundabout when Marvel announced they were making a Guardians Of The Galaxy movie with James Gunn directing, an old blog post of Gunn’s resurfaced entitled ‘The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With.’ The original post has since been deleted, but cached versions still exist here and there around the internet if you know where to look. Here are a few quotes from said blog:

[on natasha romanoff, the highest ~debut] “considering she’s fucked half the guys in the marvel universe, that’s quite a feat”

[on batwoman] “i’m hoping for a dc-marvel crossover so that tony stark can turn her; she could also have sex with nightwing and still be a lesbian”

”Many of the people who voted for the Flash were gay men. I have no idea why this is. But I do know if I was going to get fucked in the butt I too would want it to be by someone who would get it over with quick.”

Needless to say, this was quite offensive and causing bad PR, so James Gunn issued an apology:

“A couple of years ago I wrote a blog that was meant to be satirical and funny. In rereading it over the past day I don’t think it’s funny. The attempted humor in the blog does not represent my actual feelings. However, I can see where statements were poorly worded and offensive to many. I’m sorry and regret making them at all.

People who are familiar with me as evidenced by my Facebook page and other mediums know that I’m an outspoken proponent for the rights of the gay and lesbian community, women and anyone who feels disenfranchised, and it kills me that some other outsider like myself, despite his or her gender or sexuality, might feel hurt or attacked by something I said. We’re all in the same camp, and I want to do my best to make this world a better place for all of us. I’m learning all the time. I promise to be more careful with my words in the future. And I will do my best to be funnier as well. Much love to all – James”

Sound familiar?

Now of course it’s unfair to judge the man based on past actions that he himself apologised for. What matters is the present. Whether or not he has demonstrated to a reasonable standard that his work has grown and matured and that his offensive idiocy is a thing of the past. So let’s look at the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies.

While the first movie received critical acclaim, a few people (particularly fans of the source material) complained about how Gamora was treated. The so called ‘most powerful woman in the galaxy’ was reduced to a love interest, an occasional damsel in distress and there were a few odd occasions where she was objectified and degraded based on her sexual history. The most prominent example of which is when Drax describes her as ‘a green whore.’ The context being that he was ignorant of how offensive he was being despite trying to compliment her and call her a friend, and this was played for laughs in the movie. The second movie has more examples. Gamora’s role still paled in comparison to the role she played in the comics, and a new female character called Mantis was introduced whose power level from the comics was also significantly reduced for the movie and whose character was effectively reduced to be a punchline/punching bag. There’s also a scene involving Drax where he frequently describes her as ugly, saying that "when you're ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust." Again this is played for laughs. Except I’d argue that an adult man constantly fixating on a woman’s appearance isn’t even remotely funny. 

Another disturbing aspect of the Guardians 2 was the way it seemed to romanticise and excuse abusive relationships. Obviously there’s Drax and Mantis, but the biggest example is Star Lord and Yondu. The first movie did a reasonably good job establishing what drew Star Lord and Gamora together. They were both trying to escape from abusive father figures. The second film does a complete U-turn, calling Yondu Star Lord’s ‘David Hasselhoff’ and giving him a gratuitous and overly sentimental funeral as though he were a noble hero. While I’m sure the death of Yondu would emotionally impact Star Lord to a certain extent (he did raise the kid after all), to say that he’s like ‘David Hasselhoff’ because he’s a better dad than Ego the Living Planet was seems like a very low bar to clear. By that logic, Hitler was a good person because he didn’t kill as many people as Stalin did. It’s tone deaf, lacking in nuance and just a little bit insulting.

Bearing all this in mind, has James Gunn grown and matured since the period between 2008 and 2012? That’s for you to judge. I’d personally argue he hasn’t. Sure he’s no longer as extreme or provocative as he once was, but that’s not necessarily proof that he’s matured. Rather he’s just gotten better at hiding his immaturity. And in my own subjective opinion, based on his work, I think Disney made the right decision in sacking him. Now let me be clear, I don’t think Disney sacked him in order to take a moral stand as a lot of the problematic elements in the Guardians films have carried over into other MCU films. Gamora is still treated like shit in Avengers: Infinity War, and Thanos, who, like Yondu, was clearly established in the first Guardians movie as an abusive father figure, has been woobified and turned into a kind of sympathetic anti villain who actually cared about his daughter and only killed her because he had no other choice (as opposed to, you know, because he is a maniacal despot who’s a few Oompa Loompas short of a chocolate factory). The reason Gunn was fired was because of bad PR. Disney had dealt with this shit before in 2012 and they weren’t prepared to deal with it again, so they dropped the baggage, as it were. It’s a very common occurrence in Hollywood. Which is what makes the public backlash against this decision so puzzling to me.

I can understand being upset that the director of your favourite franchise has been fired, but can we try to get some perspective here? What happened to Gunn is nothing unique. This kind of thing happens all the time. A filmmaker does something controversial or has been revealed to have done something controversial in the past, the studio sacks them in an attempt to save face and everyone gets on with their lives. The situation with James Gunn is no different. The only reason I can see why people are so passionately against this is because of how these tweets were unearthed in the first place. Because the discoverer of the tweets, Mike Cernovich, is a member of the alt-right, the liberal community seem predisposed to dismiss this out of hand, which I think is incredibly dangerous. Okay, yes, Cernovich is a Nazi and almost certainly didn’t do this out of the goodness of his heart, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. It doesn’t change the fact that the tweets still exist and that they’re still incredibly offensive. And all the things I’ve heard people say in defence of James Gunn sound very similar to things the right would say about the likes of Brett Cavanaugh and Donald Trump. ‘It was x number of years ago.’ ‘It’s not relevant to who he is now.’ ‘He’s changed.’ ‘You can’t judge someone based on their past mistakes.’ I mean... come on guys! Either everyone should be held to the same standard or nobody should be held to standards at all. You can’t just change tact just because the person in question has the same political ideals as you. What are we saying? It’s okay for liberals to hold conservatives accountable for past actions and behaviour, but the right can’t do it to the left because apparently it’s not as funny when they do it? It’s classic ‘them and us’ mentality and it’s got to stop.

So, why am I bringing all this up, you may be asking? This happened over six months ago Quill. Aren’t you a little late to the party? Well a couple of days ago, it was announced that Warner Bros and DC Films had hired James Gunn to write and direct a sequel to Suicide Squad.

Well... sequel isn’t quite the right word. Apparently it’s more along the lines of a reimagining. Titled ‘The Suicide Squad’, the film is going to follow a whole new cast of characters and effectively start from scratch. No doubt this is part of WB and DC’s attempts to salvage the DC Extended Universe after the critical and financial disaster that was Justice League, as well as a response to people’s criticisms of the previous Suicide Squad film.

Writer/director David Ayer’s version of Suicide Squad was... let’s be charitable and call it problematic. Many people criticised the film for being misogynistic, borderline racist due to the one dimensional characterisation, and particular outrage was directed toward Ayer’s attempts to romanticise the relationship between the Joker and Harley Quinn. So it’s quite ironic that WB and DC are relying on James Gunn - James Gunn?!?! - to fix Suicide Squad when similar criticisms have been made toward the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies. That’s like hiring Harvey Weinstein to investigate sexual harassment claims.

And do you know what the funny thing is? We’ve been in this exact same situation before. In February 2017, news media started to report that WB and DC were eyeing Mel Gibson, the Oscar nominated director of Hawksaw Ridge and professional arsehole, to direct Suicide Squad 2. I even wrote a Scribble on it then. I heavily criticised WB and DC for caring more about snagging an Oscar nominated director to bolster their failing franchise than about holding certain ethical standards of decency within the industry. Oh, sure, Gibson has said many sexist, homophobic and antisemitic comments for years and has never at any point showed any hint of remorse for the amount of offence he’s caused, but he just made a good movie about Spider-Man fighting in World War II, so it all balances out, doesn’t it? We’re good, right? We’re cool. Gibson’s cool now. Yeah?

And now here we are seeing this play out again. James Gunn, a man who has said some incredibly offensive things over the years, is being hired by WB and DC to helm a new Suicide Squad movie and conveniently ignoring all the problematic shit surrounding him because he’s the guy that made those sci-fi films about the talking raccoon. People love those films. Let’s get him on board.

I’m getting so sick to death of actors and filmmakers getting away with shit and avoiding the consequences of their actions. James Gunn and his offensive tweets, Mel Gibson and his shitty behaviour, Kevin Hart and his temper tantrum when he was expected to apologise for being a homophobic prick. And the few times there are consequences for said actions, people of influence within the industry end up undermining it. WB and DC hiring James Gunn so soon after he was sacked by Disney, and Ellen fucking Degeneres ringing the Academy and persuading them to let Kevin Hart host the Oscars. Thankfully, and to his genuine credit, Hart turned it down, but seriously, what the actual fuck Ellen?! You’re LGBT, aren’t you? Why are you giving him a free pass? Do you have short term memory loss like the fish you voice in Finding fucking Nemo? Jesus Christ!

Finally, to people saying that Disney treated James Gunn too harshly for the tweets, may I remind you that when ‘The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With’ resurfaced in 2012, Disney still kept him on! He still got to write and direct two Marvel movies before finally getting the sack. And he was in talks to lead production in all future ‘Cosmic’ Marvel movies going forward before the resurfaced tweets made that impossible. Too harshly? I think he got off extremely lightly, frankly. I think he’s grotesquely lucky he’s still got a job at all. Let alone a job where he continues to direct tentpole blockbusters. For someone who was treated ‘too harshly’, he’s sure done alright for himself, hasn’t he? He’s not Oliver Twist begging movie studios to give him a film, cap in hand, ‘please sir, may I have some more?’ His position hasn’t changed one iota. That’s what we should be pissed off at. Not that he’s being unfairly punished. That he’s not being punished enough roughly seven years after the fact.

So what should we take away from all this? That we need to hold everyone accountable for their past actions and behaviour, regardless of whether they share our political beliefs or whether they were involved in films we actually like, and that the industry needs to do a better job of upholding the consequences of said actions. And regardless of whether you thought Disney were right to sack James Gunn, it cannot be denied that WB and DC handing the keys of another profitable franchise over to him so soon after this controversy is an incredibly irresponsible thing to do.

[exceedinglyregular]

Prompt: Fun fact- Andrew can sing and often writes songs in his downtime. Fun fact- he is also hopelessly in love with one Steven Lim. After Steven moves to LA, Andrew is broken. His songs get sadder and the small collection of people who knows this are worried for him. Cue some help from Ryan Bergara, who also writes songs and sings- this time for Shane Madej, who he is moping after. The two help each other write songs, make a name for themselves, and find happiness in those they love.

I decided to interpret your prompt in a slightly weird different way. I apologise for my weird brain.

Also sorry about the tardiness, coming up with original lyrics is a lot tougher than I anticipated. Plus the story kept literally growing on me even though I wanted to keep it short and sweet.

(ao3 link for those who prefer: here)

Title: To the Tune of Your Heart

“What. The. Hell.” Andrew’s head immediately snaps around to look at Adam, those words don’t sound right coming out of his soft-spoken friend’s mouth. He’s flipping through Andrew’s notebook with a look of disbelief on his face. “Okay, some of these are downright depressing. Are you okay?”

“Not all the songs are from my perspective,” Andrew replies nonchalantly. He continues setting up the lights they needed for filming. Adam looks up, annoyed. Andrew sighs. “I’m okay. There I answered your question, now help me with this.” Adam obliges.

…

so i’m a liar, sue mei did what i had toyou never wanted to hurt mebut i did it for you

now you’re happy, without meam i the fool?i should be angrybut i’m happy for you

…

Ryan stares at his reflection in his phone’s blank screen, waiting… Yeah, seems like he forgot, no surprise there. Groaning, Ryan drops his phone on the pillow next to his head, and rolls over to where his laptop is. He lifts the lid and sighs. It’s looking like another solo brainstorm session.

Ryan clicks around aimlessly and accidentally opens a draft of a song he’s writing: ‘For You’. It’s incomplete, much like his life. Ryan cringes at his own thought. It’s been years but he’s still not over it.

Shane has a girlfriend now, and he’s happy. In fact, he’s so happy that he’s probably on a date with her right now, completely forgetting that he agreed to help Ryan out with coming up with ideas for their next videos. Ryan swears he’s not bitter, he swears he’s happy for Shane.

…

it’s not the samein two different citieswho can i blame?i just stood there and watched you leave

spinning round and roundwaiting for your calli’m still holding onnothing else matters more

if this is all there isthen i’m sorry to saythis is where it all endsthere’s no other way

…

This isn’t working. Andrew smacks his face onto the dining table, this is the fifth batch already. Adam has since been long gone, went home to get ready for work. Andrew lifts his head slightly, only to bring it back down onto the table. Hard. He repeats it several times, hoping the pain would give him some clarity of mind.

As fledgling YouTubers, the cards were already stacked against them. But now with his own ineptitude, Andrew’s certain he’s gonna delete the entire subscriber-base that he and Adam had worked so hard to build. Andrew groans, it’s loud and dragged out, and interrupted by a knock on his front door.

It’s probably Adam, having forgotten his jacket or keys or something. Andrew doesn’t care. He shuffles over to open the door, ready to make a snippy remark about Adam’s poor memory. But the words he planned dies in his throat as he realizes who’s standing there. It’s not Adam.

“Ryan?”

The man waves tiredly, a wry smile on his lips. Then his eyes suddenly grow comically large as he points at Andrew’s forehead.

“You’re bleeding!”

Andrew lifts his hand to touch his forehead and sure enough, it pulls back with a thick, bright red liquid covering his fingers.

“So I am,” Andrew states matter-of-factly, completely unperturbed.

…

i got a problemyeah, i got a problem with youdon’t pretend you don’t knowwhat’s the matter with you?

all i wanted to bewas just your friendand that would be the end of itbut you had to goand ruin everythingwith your stupid beautiful facewhat the hell

i got a problem with youi got a bone to pickdon’t pretend you don’t knowwhat i want from you

…

With Andrew all patched up, Ryan can finally relax. He tosses the towel he used into the sink, there is an obscene amount of red on the towel, the sink, and everywhere in between.

Andrew leaves the bathroom without so much as a ‘thank you’, eliciting an eye-roll from Ryan, even though no one is around to witness it. He follows his friend out to the dimly lit dining room.

“What are those?” Ryan points at the weird lumps on the table.

“They’re SUPPOSED to be giant cinnamon rolls.” Andrew sighs, and runs a hand down his face in dramatic fashion, decidedly avoiding the bandage on his forehead.

“Oh yeah, I see it now. I thought they looked like baked poop emojis… no offense!” Ryan gingerly prods the rolls, wondering if they would collapse on themselves as he did that. Andrew for the most part didn’t look angry, just tired.

“None taken. They did turn out pretty shitty.” Ryan bites back a laugh. “So what brings you here tonight?”

“Oh, the usual: boredom, loneliness, heartbreak,” Ryan replies, faux-cheerily. Andrew raises an eyebrow before giving a sympathetic smile.

“Yikes. Sounds bad.” Ryan simply shrugs in response, there isn’t much to be said about his situation, Andrew already knows most of the details. And reciprocally, Andrew had shared his own problems with Ryan. Critically, the one involving a certain someone whose name begins with the letter ’s’ and ends with the letter ‘Lim’.

It’s the main reason Ryan came over in the first place, none of his other friends can relate to his plight to the same degree that Andrew does. Granted, it’s still ways off from complete understanding but it’s better than nothing.

“How’s the side-business going?” Ryan asks as he flips through the notebook that was lying on an otherwise empty chair.

Andrew doesn’t answer verbally, only giving Ryan a weary thumbs-down. Scanning line after smudgy line, an idea suddenly dawns on Ryan.

“What if I helped you out? I may know jackshit about baking, but songwriting… I do know a thing or two.”

Andrew looks hesitant, he scratches at his beard absentmindedly. He’s the sort who would refuse to admit he needs help even when he’s completely and utterly at wit’s end. Closing his eyes, he sighs, tension leaving his body. Ryan knows he’s giving in.

“Okay, but I��m helping you too.”

“Deal.”

…

normally i can be cooland keep it togetherbut when i’m around youi can’t control myself

boy, oh boyyou just had to do me like thisjust one smile from youoh, and i melt away

…

“Do I really have to?” Andrew mumbles, he’s not exactly thrilled with this idea.

He and Ryan are in his living room, everything has been set up to film him performing one of his songs. They spent the past few weeks working on Andrew’s songs, some old, some new, but all Steven-related.

“Just trust me… even if you don’t post this online, you’ll be glad to have something to look back at,” Ryan assures him, while adjusting the lens on the camera to get the focus right.

Andrew pokes at one of the keys on the piano, the sound that it creates is shaky and uncertain, which is exactly how Andrew is feeling. Not many people know about this side of him. He’s always been too scared to sing in front of an audience, performing one of his original compositions is ever further out of the question.

What if he’s not good? What if people hate his voice? Or his lyrics? Ryan said he didn’t have to publish this online but… he can’t stop his mind from wandering into those dark thoughts. Worse still, what if HE hates it? What if he hates his own singing? His own voice?

A weight finds it way onto Andrew’s shoulder, pressing down so suddenly that Andrew jumps up, knocking his knees against the piano. Ouch.

“Hey, hey… relax. You got this.” Ryan’s smiling assuringly, he squeezes Andrew’s shoulder lightly. “You got an amazing voice, believe me… I’m actually jealous.” This line gets some laughter from Andrew, who shakes his head disbelievingly.

“Alright, here goes nothing…”

…

something’s differentmaybe it’s just mebut when you talkall i’m hearing isblah, blah, blah…

has the curse finally been broken?please let it bei’ve had enoughi did my time

…

“Nope, no way. ‘Bergara guitarrar’ is not happening.” Ryan is shaking his head so violently his glasses almost fly off. Shane merely laughs at his objection.

“I mean you don’t actually have to do it just because the hashtag is trending. I’m not going to force you to…” Shane trails off, a trying-to-look-innocent smile on his face. Ryan swears he can see the effort Shane is putting into trying to pop out a halo, and it annoys the hell out of him.

“What the fuck, Shane?! The entire reason you started the hashtag is to pressure me into doing it!” Ryan angrily snatches the bowl of popcorn out of Shane’s hands and stuffs his face with a handful. If he didn’t, he might end up saying something he’d regret.

“You got me there.” The playful energy in Shane deflates, as does his posture. Normally, this action puts a hole in Ryan’s heart but today it sits steeled, unpunctured. He needs to stay strong for this.

Ryan sets the bowl down on the table, one set of fingers clawing away at the popcorn, the other swiping across the trackpad on his laptop. The webpage is scrolling, slowly, but his eyes aren’t focused on the words. He doesn’t have the energy to read.

When he broke up with Shane years ago, he convinced the both of them that it’s because it wasn’t working. That Ryan didn’t feel the same way towards his boyfriend like he did before. But all of it was a lie. The real reason he ended the relationship was for Shane’s sake, the other man was still too uncomfortable with his own sexuality. Shane merely pushed onwards to please him, Ryan was certain of it.

He had initially though that Shane was just being awkward in a new relationship but as the months dragged on, it became abundantly clear that the whole experience was setting Shane on the edge. And that wasn’t what Ryan wanted for him, he didn’t want Shane to force himself to confront his bisexuality when he wasn’t ready. He didn’t want Shane to be miserable just so Ryan can date him, that’s a fucked-up relationship. Hence the break up.

It had initially devastated Shane but Ryan could see the tension in him dissolving over the next few days. Despite the uphill battle, they did eventually manage to return to being just friends. Ryan is certain that never in a million years will he regret his decision, but part of him still wishes that they can get back together. And that part has been getting louder and more insistent over time. Right now, however, all he wants is for Shane to go away.

Too bad the universe hates him, as Shane maneuvers around the dining table just to face him. He flips the chair around and sits backwards on it, leaning forward against the backrest. Ryan doesn’t look up from the screen but imagines Shane resting his head on his crossed arms.

“Ryan,” Shane pleads, sounding more tired than Ryan has ever heard him. “I just think it’s a waste to not showcase that talent of yours.” Ryan doesn’t buy it.

“Bull. Shit. You want to embarrass me.” His patience is running thin but Shane doubles down on his objective, much to Ryan’s chagrin. He leans in and lowers the lid on Ryan’s laptop, looking him straight in the eye. When Ryan refuses to maintain visual contact, Shane seizes the bowl and Ryan instinctually glares at him.

“I don’t. Serious! I’m not saying this simply because you’re my friend, but you got a gift! You should unleash it onto the world!” Ryan waves a hand, physically dismissing Shane’s compliment with certain irritation. He has a point, those words are almost identical to the ones he told Andrew last week, but he refuses to let Shane win.

“Yeah, yeah… still not happening.” Ryan raises the lid of his laptop back up, he cracks his knuckles and begin typing away. “Can we just focus on the research?

Shane sighs heavily, nodding reluctantly. He has given up, for now… Ryan knows him better than to think that he has seen the end of this.

…

back to the startjust a stranger to you nowno matter what i doyou won’t turn around

finally got to know youthen you just had to leave mebehind with all these memoriesoh, what am i to do?

…

The videos were a huge hit, just like Ryan said they would be. Andrew absentmindedly taps his fingers on his knees, watching the numbers on his phone’s screen climb. People are still very much into it, he’s uploaded three songs now and with each one receiving more praises than the last, they aren’t looking much like a fluke.

Andrew locks his phone and tosses it onto the pillow next to him. He should be happy about the success he’s found with his music. The reactions he got were well beyond his wildest imagination. The channel tripled in subscribers, and the videos individually garnered more views than all their previous ones combined. All good news. Except that one no-news.

There’s still no word from Steven, they did still message each other sporadically since Steven moved to Los Angeles to chase his dreams of starring on the silver screen. But ever since the first song went online, it’s been radio silent, and the lack of anything at all is beginning to kill Andrew from the inside. Maybe he’s on a shoot and hasn’t seen it, Adam had supplied so helpfully but they both knew that the chances of that was slimmer than Jim.

When Andrew first met Steven, he immediately changed his mind on the whole ‘love at first sight’ thing. It sounds incredibly cheesy but it’s like a fog had been lifted and rays of sun came piercing through the walls he spent years putting up. The boy was sunny, passionate, bubbly, kind, friendly, and oh so beautiful. Still is. Andrew was caught so completely off his guard that even Adam immediately noticed, and that guy lives in his own little world.

If only Andrew wasn’t so shy and reserved. The entire first month that they worked together, Andrew said nothing to him outside of the occasional instructions on where to point the camera. Their entire relationship was professional and strictly business, despite Andrew’s numerous attempts at opening up. When Steven questioned his standoffish behavior one fine day, all Andrew could return was a seizure-like spluttering noise and some brain-dead mumbling. It was an embarrassing time for everyone involved. Adam often voiced his desire to have been elsewhere when that went down.

Yet somehow, Andrew managed to convince Steven that he doesn’t hate him, and convinced himself that Steven meant more to him than just a for-hire cameraman that they found on Craigslist. The latter was easy, because it was so true. The two had so easily became friends, even closer than he and Adam was. And on the deeper, darker end, Andrew was certain he has fallen for Steven. How could he not? The man would show up on Andrew’s doorstep with his favorite pizza when he made an offhand remark about being peckish. At midnight. The extent that Steven would go just to make Andrew happy was so great that… there are no words for it. Andrew couldn’t imagine life without Steven, it was undoubtedly the best time of his life.

Then it all came to a screeching halt when Steven broke the news that he would be moving to LA after receiving an offer from an agency. He was finally going to fulfill his dreams of becoming an actor. But it just had to happen just as Andrew had finally gathered up the nerves to confess his feelings to Steven. All those words he spent countless nights preparing fell off to the side as he pulled Steven in for a congratulatory hug. Everything went downhill from there. Even now, almost an entire year later, Andrew can still recall the very words he wanted to say.

He needs to get out of here, he needs some fresh air to clear his mind. Andrew picks up his phone and grabs a jacket off the side table that he’s certain belongs to Adam. Keys. Wallet. Socks. And slip into shoes. Ready to leave, he pulls open the door and immediately freezes. At the bottom of the steps is a human-like figure. The stranger looks up and… that’s not a stranger, at least not in the literal sense. Then again, these days, Steven had become so distant that he’s basically one foot into foreign territory.

Andrew’s throat tightens, he wasn’t expecting this and it’s clear from Steven’s expression that he wasn’t expecting Andrew to open the door when he did. The two men remain frozen for several beats too long, neither were sure of what to do. Steven’s the first to break the silence.

“H-heading out?” Steven asks shakily, as if he were freezing. Granted, it can be objectively considered cold but this is nothing for Boston. Then it hits Andrew that had Steven had probably came straight from LA, the difference in temperature is probably something he hadn’t immediately gotten used to.

“Yeah…” Andrew replies stupidly, uncertain on what exactly to say in a situation like this.

“I’ll come back some other time-” Steven starts turning away and Andrew’s heart seizes for a split second.

“Wait!” Andrew yells and Steven freezes mid-step like a scared animal. “Actually, I was hoping you could… come with? I’m just going out for a breather.” The fear on Steven’s face melts away into relief, his eyes are uncharacteristically reflective.

Andrew sprints down the steps so quickly that he couldn’t stop himself from lightly colliding into Steven, who pulls back hastily as if that slight bit of physical contact had burned his skin. The unspoken tension between them is growing thicker by the second… but Andrew knows one place that can fix this. If it doesn’t work, nothing else will.

“Little Joys?”

“That’d be nice.”

…

look at me and tell me there’s not a thingthat you see that’s pulling you in nowor maybe… there is

look at me and tell me you want thisone, two, three, leaning closer infinally… kiss me

…

Shane’s not talking to him. Ryan knew it was a bad idea from the very start. Sure, it got over a million views… but at what cost? This was so not worth it.

Ryan’s reading over the lyrics again, trying to find what could have possibly triggered such behavior in Shane. He even got Andrew, who helped write it, to look through. They both came up blank. But Ryan hasn’t stopped reading the words on his screen, trying desperately to understand what happened. This is so frustrating.

The front door slams, oh good, Shane’s home. Ryan hops off his bed and walks out to the hallway, looking to confront his friend, hoping that he’s ready to talk. But Ryan stops when his eyes land on Shane, he mentally backtracks but it’s too late for him to physically backtrack. Shane is storming down the hall, heading straight towards Ryan like a homing missile, he stops when he’s merely two steps away.

“Are you fucking with me?” Shane asks curtly, the look on his face a perfect marriage of anger and hurt. Ryan opens his mouth and leaves his jaw hanging, unsure if it’s a genuine question that he’s expected to answer. After a few more seconds of uneasy silence, Shane grunts, fierce. “Answer me, Ryan!”

“I-I… What are you talking about?” Ryan is stunned by the outrage he’s facing, he knows Shane is talking about the song but he doesn’t know what part exactly.

“THE SONG!!” Shane yells at the absolute top of his voice. The volume sends a shiver down Ryan’s spine. “Why are you fucking with me like this?!” The eye contact is bordering on lethal, and it lasted almost an entire minute before Shane breaks it and looks down. His entire body is shaking.

“I know I shouldn’t have pressured you into doing it, Ryan, and I’m really sorry, but… but-” It takes Ryan far too long to register what’s happening before his very eyes. Shane is breaking down, crying, choking on the tears he’s spilling. That’s what the shaking was. Ryan’s heart is breaking into pieces, his ribcage tightens as he forgets how to breathe. Then Shane delivers the final twist of the knife. “You know I still love you, why would you do this to me?”

The world goes quiet. There are no sounds apart from the rushing of blood in Ryan’s ears. Time stands still. The waves of emotion retreats, the winds stop. It’s the calm before the storm. Then it hits Ryan all at once like a freight train. He’s tripping over his thoughts… Shane still loved him? He didn’t trust his ears to have heard it correctly. When he finally recovers, he pushes his need to clarify.

“Y-you still love me?”

“Yes, I do and yet you…” Shane stops to steady his breathing, his chest shuddering as he does so. “You g-gave me hope and then immediately take it away. What kind of sick joke-”

“It’s not! I love you, I really do!” It’s Ryan’s turn to cry now, the years worth of bottled emotions come rushing out. “I didn’t want to break up with you but I just… I-” Shane cuts him off with a kiss. It’s desperate, it’s resolute, it’s familiar… Like listening to an old favorite song that you haven’t heard in years.

A sudden thought hits Ryan on the side of his head and he quickly pulls back. “Shit, what about your girlfriend?!”

“My wha- Irene?” Shane’s tone is incredulous, as if he cannot even grasp the concept that Ryan could possibly think that. “There’s nothing going on between us, never was… never will be.”

Ryan heaves a huge sigh of relief. Shane looks onto him with the warmest smile on his face, and the happiest look in his eyes. They lean in and kiss again, this time softer and more gentle. It’s an apology, it’s an affirmation, it’s an ‘I-miss-you’.

They have a lot to catch up on.

…

when did everything becomeoh so messybetween you and me

if we could turn time backwould you pick meover the city of dreams

…

A mere two blocks away from Andrew’s place, Little Joys Ice-Cream Parlor is one of he and Steven’s favorite hangouts. The amount of time they had spent there was staggering, they were on first-names basis with all the employees there.

When they step through the doors of the establishment, several heads turn to look, mostly the employees. There’s a mixture of smiles and nods as a form of greeting their regular customers. There are few patrons around, typical of a weekday afternoon. Andrew and Steven immediately head for the booth in the corner without so much as a second thought, it’s their usual spot.

Normally customers are supposed to go up and get their food themselves but as regulars, Andrew and Steven gets a little VIP privilege. One of the employees, Jennie, was wiping down a table earlier but seeing the duo take their seats, she happily skips over to their table.

“Hey! It’s been a while.” Jennie greets with a giggle, the soaked cleaning cloth in her right hand is dripping a puddle on the floor right next to her but she doesn’t seem to notice. “What would you boys like? The usual?”

Andrew’s not in the mood to think about exactly which flavors he wants, so he simply nods at her question. It seems that Steven’s the same way as he mirrors his action. Jennie strangely doesn’t notice that something is amiss with their behavior and accepts their orders and merrily makes her way towards the main counter.

They wait in silence for their orders to arrive, neither ready to speak. Normally they would be sitting so close that their shoulders touched, despite the fact that the booth can easily sit six people comfortably. But this isn’t normally, and right now there’s just enough space in between for Adam to comfortably third-wheel them.

But even at this distance, Andrew can still feel the tenseness radiating off Steven’s body. His own body is stiff, aching, and uncomfortable, despite the plush cushioning of the seats. He desperately wants to shuffle in closer, put his hand on Steven’s knee, lean his head on his shoulder, and make things okay again. Before he can do any of that, Steven breaks the silence.

“Are they-” His voice creaks and he forces a cough to clear his throat. Andrew watches as a million different emotions flash across Steven’s face, but he doesn’t recognize any of them. Steven rests his elbows on the table, hands clenched together. He presses his hands against his lips in a frown, sighing. Then finally he leans back and lets his arms fall at his sides, he doesn’t look at Andrew when he asks.

“The songs… are they about me?” A lump forms in Andrew’s throat but not before his heart found its way into his mouth. He wants to answer but his tongue is tied up, scared. What if this is it? What if Steven’s here to denounce their friendship? Andrew tries to reason, why would Steven fly all the way here just to tell Andrew that he never wants to see him ever again? That doesn’t make sense.

“Please tell me they’re about me. They have to be! I… I really like you and-” The urgent pleading tone that Steven has taken on forces Andrew to look at him. There are tears running down his cheeks and Andrew’s stomach drops, feeling guilty for inflicting this on his friend.

Of course, Steven feels that way about him, of course! Andrew wasn’t blind to it, so why was he so scared? He tries hard to push aside the dizzying feelings to try and confess, but his thoughts are jumbled and his mind is fuzzy. He just can’t find the right words for the moment. Unfortunately, Steven misconstrues his silence for something else entirely.

“Oh my god, of course they’re not. I’m so stupid, I flew all the way here on a stupid hunch. What was I thi-” Andrew brings a hand up to cup the side of Steven’s face, and Steven immediately shuts up. Pinky trailing Steven’s jaw, Andrew takes in a breath to prepare himself for what he’s about to do. When words don’t work, actions will. Steven’s eyes are wide with wonder and he opens his mouth to no doubt ask what’s going on, but Andrew cuts him off with a kiss.

The kiss is slow and tender, as if Steven is something fragile that Andrew’s holding between his lips. He had dreamt of this moment so many times but nothing can prepare him for the real thing. And even though the kiss lasted only seconds, when they break away, the tips of Andrew’s ears are searing hot. His breathing is shallow and his cheeks are warm.

Steven looks lost, like he’s still processing the last few seconds. Andrew can almost see the 'buffering’ spinner in his eyes. When he finally catches up, he’s smiling like the ball of sunshine that Andrew knows and loves. The serenity of the moment gets interrupted by Jennie’s untimely return with the ice-creams.

“Aww!” She just can’t help herself, can she? With her usual grace, she sets down their orders on the table. “Don’t mind me, you two lovebirds carry on.” She cheekily winks at them and saunters off.

Andrew shifts his eyes back to Steven and he’s in a shade of red that rivals a freshly-picked cherry tomato. The entire scene is just too much for Andrew and he just laughs, completely enamored by the man in front of him.

“You still haven’t answered me…” Steven pokes Andrew in the side with his finger. Andrew ignores him and proceeds to take a huge spoonful of his multiflavored desert. When Steven pokes him again, he simply raises an eyebrow and makes a noncommittal noise, earning him a third poke.

Conceding, Steven picks up his own spoon and scoops a little bit of each flavor from his bowl, mixing them up. Just as he is bringing the spoon to his mouth, he stops to take a look at Andrew’s bowl and makes a face, one that Andrew is all too familiar with.

“For the last time, Steven, red velvet is not simply adding food colouring!” Andrew mock-scolds, flipping Steven off. “Stop judging.”

Now they’re both laughing and everything in the world is right as rain, once again.

…

is this love?i don’t knowbut all i ever wanted is in front of me nowi’m stuckwhat do i do?i want to tell you that i love you but i don’t know how

i was stupid to let you goso crazily stupidi am crazy about you, y'knowso stupidly crazy

but i know better nowdon’t want us to be aparti just wanna sing it out loudto the tune of your heart!

Closing Notes:

This was supposed to be short. Yeah, didn’t happen… I have no self-control. Also, I’m realising I’m really into certain tropes.

[kawaiislayer123]

The light in your eyes Ep 1 (spoilers)

Hey guys, this basically me ranting and talking about dramas. I haven’t watched dramas in a while so, I’m going try and get back in to it. 

Also I feel like dramas need more love on Tumblr 

Synopsis:

Kim Hye-Ja (Han Ji-Min) hopes to become an announcer. She is honest and has a positive personality, but she suddenly becomes a 70-year-old woman. 70-year-old Kim Hye-Ja (Kim Hye-Ja) gains the special ability to manipulate time. Lee Joon-Ha (Nam Joo-Hyuk) wants to become a reporter. He has worked hard to achieve his dream, but he now lives his life hopelessly. He gets involved with Kim Hye-Ja.

Let me just say chickas, I’m a sucker for fantasy drama🤧😫.... And Nam Joohyuk. SO...

 Here already we have main female lead Kim Hye-Ja played by Han Jimin. I don’t think I’ve seen any Han Ji-min’s dramas YET. But I heard good reviews on her. So far her character seems pretty loveable, gullible and awkward. which I can relate to..

AnYwAy, the brother-sister dynamic is my fave! just they way he annoys her and teases her, is just like any typical siblings. I feel like the brother will be an amazing comic relief in the show! 

I just adore the parents here so much. You’ve got the tough love mum and the loveable dad who kisses the ground his wife walks on  . But papa bless this family honestly, love how supportive the mum is about KHJ dream on being a new anchor. 

If your mum doesn’t hit you like that at the dinner table. Does she really even love you?

So basically Kim Hye-Ja uses a watch she found on the beach to time travel.

Okay now I am confusion she found the watch at the beach when she was 25 years ( present) but the scene goes back to when she was little finding the watch. ( not gonna lie but the transition was on point). And she has had it for all these years. Kept in a box, in your closet. So did she like go back recently and through it away or was this an epilogue OR was it just for the sick transition and for her to tell the base plot OR  am I being an over-analysers idiot who can’t just enjoy a nice kdrama  . 

*hyperventilating* 

Okay even though we as an audience knows who this is and boy does he look fine in a cap. KHJ is casually walking around drunk... South Korea must be that safe like damn. I see a guy wearing black cap at night all mysterious like, you know imma take my fat ass and usain the fuck out of the area. 

HAHAHHAHAHAHAH! lets not lie and say we’ve not all been there before. I just freaking love the brother and this scene hahaha. Such a relatable family!

*cue the character who is doing better than the female lead and acting nice to everyone but acting like a low key bitch to the female lead * 

Our male lead, Lee joon-ha (LJH)  played by Nam joo-hyuk! Ughh I haven’t seen since school of 2015. Papa bless his soul. His character seems like nice and adorable. 

...

The Audacity 

Yikes LJH also had the audacity to question her dream on to be a new anchor. Like mate who pissed in your cheerios. Seeing KHJ like that absolutely devastating, especially when her mum comes to cheer her up with tough love speech... it hurts. I feel like she is now second guessing things now. and I hope she doesn’t stop wanting to be a news anchor.

1. HAAHHAHAHAHAHAH after KHJ doesn’t speech in front of everyone and this about how he made her feel like shit, this old young (  which i’m assuming is his grandma)  jumps in and ask “Have you eaten yet?” HAHAHAHHAH we love grandma who puts food as top priority.

2. Damn not gonna lie that was an intense eye contact 

3.

Okay still mad at him for making her cry and but this was cute not gonna lie. We have a guy that likes to tease in our midst. 

Okay he just casually works there... Okay yes I’m here for it! I love this scene with them, light and cute. KHJ gossiping with her friends about him behind the counter is adorable. She even messed up her words as she was saying good bye “had a nice day” PAPA BLESS, ALSO HE APOLOGISE AND HE DID IT WITH FOOD.

Me^^ when she had to dub an erotic film AHAHAHHAHH

HHAHAHHAHAH scratch that last scene of them together. This one takes the cake! She is already drunk at a table, he comes in the bar and sees her, sits at her table and takes her last shot of soju and drinks it. And he stops her from ordering another drink hahaa love it

But further in the scene they both got drunk together had a deep chat on their lifes and boii does this make you appreciate what you got more. Hearing LJH’s story how his mum ran away and his dad didn’t even want to raise him is hard. And all he has left to look up is his grandmother. And he has to work multiple jobs, yet he still wants to be a reporter... damn. And how KHJ didn’t even send an application for the new anchor and hidIng that from her family because she doesn’t believe she the confidence. but love how they actively listen to each other and comfort each other.

FAV PART here! she is all like “i can turn back the time for you with this watch” like she is serious serious 

and his probably thinking she drank little too much. but his still like “go ahead do it”, not taking her seriously. and as the audience we know she can so its like “mate dude she serious serious”.

However the show cuts off to her about to do it until Episode 2. Not gonna lie I actually enjoyed this episode, it had mix of comedy, fantasy, emotional tear jerks scenes. I can’t wait to see what yet to come with this.

Sorry for this long as rant/talk thingy and thank you for wasting your time with me, I really appreciate it 

[awesome-timtams]

INFINITY WAR/AVENGERS 4 THEORY + ALL MY RANTS (SPOILERS)

because you know what? i’m not done.

i’ve come up with a theory, if only just to comfort myself. also, i’m still kinda unhappy over some things. (although this movie is really good, so please don’t judge the film too harshly based on other spoilers you’ve read. give it a chance and watch it before you form opinions please? :D )

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER CUT. 

like, i’m not gonna censor myself. i’m just gonna rant. so you have been warned.

(if anybody wants me to add any tags to this post, just comment or smthin and ill do it yo)

LAST CHANCE FOR NO SPOILERS. WE COOL? OK.

just wanna say right off the bat, i’m not a comic fan. i’ve never read the comics. i don’t know shit about the comics. so all of this may come off as really stupid to comic fans, and for that, i apologise.

(also, after typing this all up, i’m realising just how negative i seem to come off this entire post? like, there were flaws, don’t get me wrong, i pointed out stuff i didn’t like, but overall this movie was really good. i fucking loved this movie. i went into the theatres really worried because there were so many characters and i was scared that it was gonna become real messy real quick and the plot would kinda be all over the place and overstuffed, but it actually worked out quite well in the end. there was a lot of humour and that’s great, because who isn’t up for humour? and it got real emotional and heartbreaking, and that was done really well so i applaud. i really do recommend going to watch this movie, because like seriously, it’s fucking good. went out of the cinemas and nearly walked straight back in to see it again)

now, theory first!

alright, so we remember how red skull ‘died’ right? he was holding the space stone, and as he’s holding it he starts to kinda ash away before he gets beamed up into space.

remember who else gets ashed?

just about everybody in the fucking movie (still not over that. god. i started fucking bawling my eyes out. was not very dignifying)

but yes, i think that they didn’t actually die? instead, they actually got transported to another universe like the red skull was? (or even better, their souls got sent to another universe, because after further research, that’s apparently what the soul stone does? and anyway, none of them got physically beamed somewhere like the red skull did. they all just faded to ash. i noticed that when wanda got ashed though, her entire being seemed to go grey for a brief couple of seconds before she turned to ash, and that kinda strikes me as what would happen if you lost the very essence of yourself? like your soul? so yeah, space stone beamed the red skull to a different universe physically, but the soul stone beamed them to a different universe…spiritually (also, i’m making this edit at 3 am in the morning so excuse if it’s just really incoherent)) because it didn’t escape anybody’s notice that none of the original avengers died right? only all the new heroes with confirmed sequels and shit did? 

so i think they’re actually safe but just in a different place for now. and then all the original avengers, in the next movie are gonna do some shit and sacrifice themselves to save everybody who got ashed. 

cus like, i refuse to believe they are permanently dead. i mean, c’mon. t’challa? the king of wakanda who’s arc only just got started? peter parker? when spiderman homecoming 2 has already been confirmed and is gonna start shooting soon? bucky? who’s had the whole white wolf thing/taking over the mantle as cap teased but neither were acted upon? fucking bullshit i tell you. didn’t stop me from fucking bawling my eyes out in the cinema. jfc i started crying like halfway thru the movie at gamora, escalated at bucky and then just curled into myself and died a little when peter clung on to tony. so yeah.

also i feel like they didn’t need to make the red skull come back and become the guardian of the soul stone. he wasn’t important, and was only there to give a bit of context into how to retrieve the soul stone. they could’ve easily just put a faceless character and have them do the exact same job and it would’ve made exactly zero change to the plot. so if the red skull is back, they must’ve done it for a reason. and that reason, i think, is the one i’ve been explaining above; to possibly show that being ashed isn’t gonna kill you, but instead transport you elsewhere. (also, yo, did anybody get dementor vibes when the red skull first appeared on screen?)

maybe this theory is just me being in denial over my favourites being killed god.

now onto my rants.

i thinkl loki and gamora are permanently dead. not happy about either deaths. loki’s was just…it’s just bullshit? he’s been killed and revived so many times that the emotional value of it is just not there anymore. and also, i don’t belive loki is stupid enough to go at thanos and pull a fucking pocketknife on him like, what’s that gonna do mate? and i feel loki, if he had a death scene, definitely deserved better than that. i feel like his arc kinda just got started, so him being killed off is kinda. urgh. so i’m pretty sure that loki’s not dead (cus c’mon), but at the same time if they bring him back it’s gonna be so fucking overplayed it’s gonna be like another episode of supernatural (i still love you spn but actually tho). so basically, marvel’s got themselves in a bit of a dump.

now onto gamora. idk, i’m just really not happy with the way she died? she didn’t deserve to go out like that? i mean, he sees his cause as the greater good, and people sacrifice a lot for their greater good, but still. not cool? i’m upset? gamora deserved so much more than to be tossed off that fuckin cliff? i actually reallyyyyy wanted gamora (or nebula) to be the one to kill thanos. maybe together. cus tbh fuck thanos. he fucked up their lives so hard, and what does gamora get in the end? thrown off a cliff, that’s what.

ALSO, QUILL. WHY. MATE. COULDN’T YOU HAVE DECKED THE SHIT OUT OF THANOS AFTER THEY MANAGED TO PULL OFF THE GAUNTLET??????? THEY WERE THIS. FUCKING. CLOSE. ARGHHHHHH.

also i’m still not over peter and bucky. god. bucky kinda stumbling out of the woods, and that little ‘…steve?’ before he just fucking. crumbles away. i was so fucking. no words. and i already knew peter was gonna die cus of that giRL (if you wanna see THAT rant, click here). but it was actually still so fucking heartbreaking? ‘…i don’t feel so good’ and ‘please, i don’t want to die’ as he just sobs while crumbling to ash in tony’s arms? i started bawling my eyes out (and wow take a shot every time i say that phrase in this post)

ok now onto some other things. i feel like this film sort of rendered most of ragnarok obsolete? like, (and this point was brought up by a friend so shout out to them) weren’t they trying to make it so that thor was less reliant on his weapons and more reliant on his own abilities and powers? and also, asgard. they gave us so much hope for asgard at the end of ragnarok, only to have it dashed apart in the beginning of infinity war. asgard? more like…asGONE. ba dum tss. (shitty joke i know but that’s how i cope). also. where. the fuck. is valkyrie?? i swear to god if she’s dead imma cut a bitch. 

also, i’m sort of upsetti clint didn’t show up in this movie. BUT. they mentioned at the beginning of the film that clint was off with scott to do some other shit regarding their families or smthin, which makes me think that maybe, just maybe, clint might actually show up in ant-man and the wasp. so, looking forward to that.

so yes, i feel like i’ve been quite negative throughout this post, so here’s a couple paragraphs dedicated to all the good things about this movie and my experience and why i love it. 

post-credits scene was? like, maria being ashed shook the whole cinema? and nick fury’s being ashed got me upset right up until the point where he swore and that kinda loosened the mood up. he’s so chill about everything i s2g. and that captain marvel insignia drop at the end was amazing. had the whole theatre shook. so yes, good post-credits scene.

they did emotions really well? especially in the last 20 mins, when everybody is being ashed, like, i cried. a lot. some of the emotions just came so clearly across the screen, and you could really feel what the characters themselves were feeling at the moment. some of the scenes were truly heartbreaking and beautiful (JUST, QUICK BREAK TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT TO TOM HOLLAND FOR HIS AMAZING PERFORMANCE? THANK YOU.)

the humour in this movie is fucking outstanding, but they never got in the way of the emotional scenes. the jokes were hilarious, and didn’t feel shoehorned in. they had the cinema rolling, and honestly, it was great. also, can i just say that quill being jealous of thor’s masculinity is fucking hilarious. and dr strange and tony going at it and trying to beat each other in who’s the most arrogant and all-knowing was fucking amazing, so kudos. anD ALSO. BRUCE AND HULK? FUCKING AMAZING. LOVED THEIR INTERACTIONS TBH. i would quote lines right now but i’m kinda fuzzy about them and i hate nothing more than misquoting so.

also. THOR. THOR. HIS ENTRANCE INTO WAKANDA IS SO FUCKING BADASS AND I HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING ABOUT IT? IT’S SO BLOODY COOL, HOW HE JUST SWOOPS IN ALL DRAMATIC AND SHIT WITH HIS NEW AXE AND LIGHTNING AND JFALKGJRIOA yeah that was awesome.

i feel like i haven’t ever seen a movie with the audience as engaged as they were today. like, when certain characters showed up on screen the audience lost their shit and started whooping and clapping and shit. and when tony got stabbed i s2g the entire cinema just. stopped breathing. so yeah, good experience, fun times, loved it, really got me in the mood tbh.

i think i just about covered everything i wanted to say in this post? (and wow, this is a real bit of a giant brain dump. i just started typing anything that came to mind) maybe i’ll add to it if i think of anymore things, because i still feel like i have more to say even though i can’t really say anything right now. if any of you wanna talk, just message me and i’m up to listen lol.

this whole post took me the better half of three hours ( it’s also > 1500 words, and wow, i could’ve used all this time to finish my english assessment oops), so imma just go and do my homework like the good child i am (hah).

tldr; everybody who was ashed is actually alive, original avengers are gonna sacrifice themselves in avengers 4 to save the ashed kids, ragnarok was obsolete, im not happy with people’s deaths, clint might appear in ant-man and the wasp, this movie is really good and i fucking love it, feel free to msg me if u wanna talk and i’ve wasted too much time on this post. (this was still a really long tldr but i ranted for 1000 words so what can you do)

have a good one. (wow, extra aussie today aren’t we?)

[imgonnabeyourbubblegumwitch]

January Book: Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda (A Review)

In which I attempt to condense the complicated emotional roller coaster this book sent me on into a rational and non-screaming-in-anger review.

I think I did okay.  

Some spoilers so I’ve given my general opinion below and the actual review is below the cut. 

Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda: 1/5 Stars

Yeah I didn’t like it. I’m surprised too. 

I guess what frustrates me most about this book is some kind of internal insistence that I had to read it because it was LGBT and everyone else loved it. But it was making me miserable. But it was LGBT and everyone else loved it. But it wasn't fun. But it was…etc.

Anyway I guess shout out to Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda for reminding me there's no point reading something I hate just because other people like it or because it’s a particular genre. 

(Going to use this pretty obvious revelation to happily quit the Scarlet Witch comics I started just before Christmas. Marvel says she's no longer Magneto's daughter? Interesting opinion. I accept it's canon but I sure as hell aren't accepting it as my headcanon).

Anyway proper review below as promised. 

So I feel like I am going to be in a minority here but I really wasn't into this book. I wanted to like it because I heard a lot of good things about the film and so, being one of those book before film people, I picked this up expecting good things. Maybe the hype was part of what made it a bit of a let-down for me. I tend not to do well with things that have been hyped up; maybe because I end up with unrealistic expectations, maybe because I'm a special snowflake who has super special tastes different to the norm. I don't know.

So as I was starting to read this I was pretty scathing. I nearly gave up at page 21. Now? Honestly I'm just exhausted by it. I skim read through the whole thing in about an hour and a half just so I could say I sort of finished it. I'll be the first to admit that because of that perhaps I missed a lot of things that could have made the book a better experience for me. But honestly though, it infuriated me so much at the beginning that I couldn't read it any other way.

One of the biggest problems is that I don't really like books that use copious amounts of pop culture reference, especially when these can easily be dated. As a general rule I tend to prefer fictional universes that feel a little more timeless - Harry Potter, the Bartimaeus Trilogy, Lockwood and Co. Even my current favourite series - The Rivers of London - makes me grimace when it references to Brooklyn 99 or similar. This really is just a personal preference thing and I can understand why others would want to read a book about a clearly modern high school experience.

If you are like me however, Simon Vs the Homo Sapiens is probably not for you on this front. There are endless references to pop culture including some that, given the nature of internet culture, already feel a little dated. As an example of the many many pop culture references, some I can remember off the top of my head without even glancing at the book are: Tegan and Sarah, Tumblr, Yaoi, slash fiction, Harry/Draco fanfiction & Harry Potter in general, Def Leppard, Yoda, Katniss,  etc etc.

I guess the writing was fine. It was written as though in a way someone young might talk. It's a distinctive voice that most of the time I just kind of shrugged off as neither working for me, or irritating me. Occasionally however there were stylistic choices that were just odd. The extra half a second it took me to try and figure out the meaning of the sentence/phrase took me out of the story slightly - a minor nit-pick I know, but one I'll make anyway. An example from page 33: "If I were straight. The Abby thing. I do think I get it. " I re-read those sentences three times trying to figure out whether he meant "If I were straight I'd get people liking Abby" (as in, I struggle to objectively tell if someone of the opposite gender is attractive) or whether he meant "If I were straight I'd like Abby too" (as in, Abby is attractive but not really my thing being gay). I suppose maybe in the grand scheme it doesn't make too much difference. But little things like that interrupting my reading flow was not something I needed when I was already supremely uninvested in this story.

Another example is from later on when Simon makes a comical autocorrect error via email. Essentially the premise is his phone corrected "such" to "dick" but it took me such a long time to work this out because of the format of the emails. The second email sent - the correction - is above the first email because if you were looking in an inbox that is how they'd appear. But because you read down the page and because most of the other emails were naturally chronological reading in this fashion this really threw me. Again: minor nit-pick - the emails are timestamped so like the confusion was definitely me being a moron. But it's another instance of being taken from the book for a moment too long.

Another problem that impacted my ability to engage with this book is that I really didn't like Simon. Some of the things he said and the views he held made me a little uncomfortable. I don't expect every character to hold views exactly like mine and I accept someone doesn't have to be a likeable person to be a likeable character. There are some fantastic characters who aren't really very nice people, or who hold views that are dissimilar to society as a whole or to an individual reader. I guess an example of this might be the Lannister family from Game of Thrones - I wouldn't want to be friends with them or emulate like 95% of what they do. But they sure are fun to watch/read about.

Simon though, I think I was done with him by page 21 - my original quit point. At this point he mentions that he thinks it's different for girls when they come out because a lot of guys think lesbians are hot. This is kind of a case where I guess you don't have to agree with a characters view or observations, but these sort of things just pile up. Another early on moment that really bugged me was this comment when describing their friend group: "Leah's two friends, Morgan and Anna, who read manga and wear black eyeliner, and are basically interchangeable. Anna and I actually dated freshman year, and I still think she and Morgan are interchangeable. "

Perhaps this is meant to demonstrate he's very gay because he's not hyper-aware of girls appearances? But it just read like Simon lacking basic human decency of bothering to tell two people who are friends of a friend apart. And maybe he was trying to be funny? If he was, it definitely falls flat for me. There are mentions in the book of Simon being oblivious to what other people might want or think, forgetting to offer his sister food when he makes sandwiches for him and his friend for example, and maybe this is an extension of that. This still feels odd to me however.

In the light of fairness I will say there were moments when I did feel for Simon - when Martin attempts to apologise for example, and some of his pre-coming-out thoughts, worries and dilemmas did feel authentic. But they weren't enough to encourage me to read on or to root for him.

Final thought because this is really long and more attention than I intended to give this book in the end: I'm confused as to how this school tumblr is supposed to work. Is it one page and everyone has a log in? Is it a tag? I'm assuming it's a tag based system? Anyway I guess that's another minor nitpick that doesn't matter in the scheme of things.  I just struggled to picture how it would work.

So in conclusion, this book sent me through the five stages of grief -

Denial: well everyone else liked it so I must like it too I guess.

Anger: I can't believe I spent money on this book. Let me write down all the bits I hate for the review I'll write. Oh my goodness I can't believe Simon said/thought that.

Bargaining: okay well Simon is kind of annoying me but I'll skim read it - it'll probably get good in a bit.

Depression: I can't believe I'm still reading this book, I can't believe I'm the only one who doesn't like this book, I feel like I've been trapped reading this book forever, time is meaningless.

And, finally, acceptance: it is what it is, and I'm too tired to do much but admit this just wasn't for me.

Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda: 1/5 stars

[davidchill]

Luna’s Holiday, That Book, and Davina McCall.

I’ve been without my pooch for almost a week - but I’m looking forward to our reunion on Friday. In her absence, I’m rattling around in this house with nobody to talk to, so I’m taking a breather from my work and my book to write an important blog. Yes, that’s allowed. And I’ll come back to That Book in a moment.

It’s mental health awareness week, so I wanted to share my two penneth. In the hope that it might help someone… and maybe even help people to understand.

People often scoff when I tell them that I let Luna watch Coronation Street, but, truth be told, that’s one of the few shows that raise awareness of mental health. Also, Luna absolutely loves the meerkats. And the cat in the opening titles. Quite recently a popular male character took his own life, but the story was handled in a very sensitive way. Some people lambasted the storyline, saying that he’d not exhibited “signs” of being depressed - but that’s exactly what the story was trying to highlight. A lot of people with depression don’t wear their feelings on their sleeve. They’re not going to come into work every day and start sobbing at their desk, they’re more likely to be quiet, affable - and crack the occasional joke. To the outside world they’re as happy as the infamous Larry, without a care in the world - because they can’t talk about their problems or bring themselves to talk. It’s STILL a huge stigma in men of a certain age, and it really shouldn’t be. We’re told to “man up” or “cheer up” or “shut up and get on with it” when that’s the last thing one should do. A gentleman of a bygone era might tell you they cycled fifty miles to work every day, in a blizzard, with a broken leg - therefore people of today should do the same thing.

Back to Corrie; I always identify with characters who suffer with anxiety and depression. Yes, I saw the signs in the weeks leading up to the character’s suicide. The crestfallen stares into the middle distance… hiding away in the house… putting bills to one side in the hope they’ll go away…

Thankfully, I’ve not lost any friends as a direct result of depression - but a few friends have gone off the radar over the years. Especially in the past year. One minute you’re exchanging messages or amiable chat and then, suddenly, it’s almost like a switch goes and no matter how much you try and reach out or attempt to be affable, they become very standoffish and matter-of-fact. It would be easy to file such people under “rude” or “cold” but so many people are fighting private battles that we know nothing about.

For the record, if I’ve ever been aloof with anyone I can only apologise. And if anyone ever wants to open up about their struggles then I am always here to lend an ear. Social media can be a very cold place at times, and it’s easy to simply ignore people  - but I think it’s important to think how you’d feel if you were constantly ignored by someone who cares for you and only wants to be kind.

In the past few years a couple of things have consumed my life. My dog and my book about my dog. The eagle-eyed amongst you might spot a link there...

In 2016, when I set up my crowdfunding page, the plan was to write a book based on life with my dog. Now this isn’t an excuse, because I don’t need an excuse... but sometimes in life things don’t go to plan. I had absolutely no idea that I’d be forced to sell my home the following year, and all the palaver that entailed. Let’s be honest... most days I could barely afford to eat properly and I owed family/friends around £5,000 so when my bank loan fell through, the only possible way of getting people off my back (and enjoying an occasional meal) was to sell my home. But that was my own fault for spending too many years working for a pittance and spending beyond my means. It’s important to have a “nest egg” and now, if I fell into financial hardship again, I wouldn’t have that “safety net” and it’d be game over.

In the days after I emerged from that gruelling home sale and being “between homes” my anxiety had reached dizzy new heights... I was being asked “Where’s this book?” Or “How’s this book coming along?” And I tried to explain that things had gone off the rails…

Until this very day, and despite sending a number of updates out to the backers - I don’t hear from someone for months and then they pop up with “How’s the book?” Or “This book better be good!” or “Yawn! Still waiting for this book!”

Such pressure always works wonders for my anxiety.

No, I can’t blame people for being curious or even vexed, but my mental well being had to come first. The book is already way over budget, so to those who donated less than £20 - you’re getting an absolute bargain. Perhaps I should split the book into two books (it’s big enough) but I simply can’t afford to publish two editions, so people will get one lengthy book.

I’m not J.K Rowling, or someone who’s being paid to write novels. So I don’t have the luxury of saying; “Today I can sit in my office and write for 10 hours.” Last week I had to juggle the book with Luna, two websites, two logo designs and delivering 800 magazines in four days.

If I was constantly popping up on social media, posting photos of my lunch, I’d understand people getting rattled about me not writing the book. It’s just irksome when, after getting up in the morning and working through until 2 or 3am, I post something [unrelated to the book] on Twitter or Facebook only to receive a dig about not writing the book. Yes, I know it’s probably “banter” but at times it comes across as passive aggression.

Yes, I’m on it. The book consumes me 24/7.

Luna’s been in Southwold since last Friday (at least one of us gets a holiday) as I found juggling the book, the dog, and multiple work deadlines was probably going to drive me to a breakdown.

Taking Luna to Southwold for a holiday while I remain home in Cambridgeshire might sound excessive. But there are few places I trust with my dog… and it actually worked out less expensive (plus I get a very brief bit of sea air too). There’s no way I can afford a holiday myself - so this was the best compromise.

Also, when I get comments like; “Try having kids!” or the extended remix… “Try two kids, three dogs, and the ex wife!” I generally shake my head.

Guys, this isn’t Top Trumps.

Anxiety and depression is utterly exhausting, and when you’re alone with a high maintenance dog, people constantly on your back about something and work deadlines then, at times, things can just get a bit much.

For years I’ve had “Where’s my money?” and now it’s “Where’s my book?” so, rest assured, there’s not a soul on this Earth who wants this book out sooner than me. It’s not going to be out in time for Comic Con on the 25th, but I still have high hopes for going to print at the end of May/ early June.

If often feels like I’ve become second to the book. I’m sure if I was hospitalised, I’d wake up in my bed to hear someone say; “Right, time to crack on with that book!” God forbid anything should happen to Luna. “At least now you can focus on the book...”

So please, before you feel the need to give me stick about the book, ask yourself a question; Is this comment really necessary?

I’ve reached a point now where I don’t actually care if this book is loved or loathed. I’ve poured my heart and soul into it, and that’s really all I can do.

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who’s just trusted me enough to get on with it in peace. Even if it receives negative feedback, it’s been the most therapeutic endeavour of my life, and has, quite possibly, saved my mind. Perhaps my life. Every day I thank God for blessing me with a sense of humour.

Oh, and please spare me any complaints about the language. There’s nothing in there that the average 12-year-old hasn’t heard in the playground. I never, ever, swear on social media, and if a word is used (very sparingly) it’s only for comedic effect.

Finally, Davina McCall…

Early last year I was asked to appear on This Time Next Year, with Davina McCall. To this day I don’t know why, but I was selected from hundreds of people… application form, telephone interview, Skype meeting that was recorded and sent to the bigwigs at ITV… and suddenly I was sitting on the sofa, in front of a live studio audience, with Davina McCall.

The second series has just aired on ITV, but I filmed for the third series, which is presumably coming later this year. However, my interview isn’t being broadcast. They film around 100, but with only six episodes per series they can only broadcast around 30 interviews.

Davina’s lovely, and we chatted a bit about Luna and how my anxiety has held me back in life. Although coming through those doors to face the live studio audience was perhaps the most terrifying experience of my life. I was on last too - so I sat in the green room for about five hours before walking out to meet Davina. At the time I was battling to clear my debt while wishing to keep my home, get the book out, etc… but from the beginning the producers wanted to focus more on my [lack of] love life. In the end it became something that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with… and I think me finding a girlfriend within the year would have been a very tall order. What with everything else. Also, on reflection, I hope looking back at the interview wasn’t awkward for Davina, because she told me how she met her husband on a dog walk… and at the time they were still together. Like I said earlier; sometimes “life” just takes us to places that we never expect. Still, it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m thankful for the opportunity.  

In summery; Please try to reach out to someone today. It’s especially easy for single people to fall off the radar and be forgotten about. Talk to them. Invite them for coffee. Go on a dog walk together. They won’t bite! Unless they have a particularly “bitey” dog.

Something as simple as sending a message saying “How are you?” takes seconds (unless you have particularly large fingers) and could even save a life. Sure, you could say “It’s not my problem” or “Someone else will do it” but if everyone took that stance then the suicide rate would go through the roof.

Above all; be kind. It won’t cost you anything.

[ai-coursework]

Starting Points for Comic Ideas

Over the course of the summer break we were given 6 prompts (A comic based off a true story, a comic based off a historical event, a comic with no words, a comic created specifically for a certain type of demographic, a comic told on something other than A4 or A5, and a comic with a story told from a different perspective) to help us come up with at least 6 plots for different types of comics - of which we would pick two to go ahead with.

Listed below are the stories I created for these prompts:

True Story:

Comic about my first time playing Among Us with online friends

I catch Marco (the imposter) killing Ursyn and venting away right in front of me

I forget you can report dead bodies on sight and instead panic and run for the emergency button in the cafeteria

I yell into my microphone to explain what I saw but Marco yells over me and convinces the other players that I’m super “suspicious” and gets the other players to vote for me to be thrown out of the spaceship 

“Ash was not the imposter”

Friends instantly laughing and yelling at Marco and saying that they’re sorry for not believing me

Marco laughing like an evil villain 

Portrayed as a gritty horror comic with the characters we play as being actual astronauts in space trying to survive with an alien imposter on board killing the crewmembers off one by one

Other Info:

Could sell online or in stores such as Forbidden Planet that cater to video game fans just as much as anime/comic book fans

Audience would be people who play video games probably more than the average person

Would roughly be around 10-12 pages long

Historical Story:

The story of Mary Reed and Anne Bonny (1720)

All of the men on their ship were drinking and getting ridiculously drunk

Mary and Anne spot a British Navy ship approaching and try to rally the crew into action

The crew members instead flee below deck to hide and continue drinking with the hope that the navy ship will leave them be

Navy soldiers attacked the ship, but only Mary and Anne were there to defend the ship and the crew and fight off the soldiers because the rest of the men were too drunk to fight. Both were pregnant at the time (Mary about 4 months along, Ann about the same)

Mary, Anne and the crew get taken prisoner by the Navy (That ship specifically being lead by an ex-pirate turned Navy soldier)

Mary died in prison of a fever not long after giving birth because of the poor hygiene levels in the prison

No one knows how Anne escaped the British Navy after giving birth in prison. It’s rumoured she duped a soldier with a slight of hand trick. She allegedly lived until she was in her 80s.

Other Info:

Could sell online, MCM and other comic conventions, or comic stores that have an older/more mature demographic rather than teenagers

Audience would be people interested in historical stories and figures, people who like pirates, possibly people who are fans of the Pirates of the Caribbean films

Around 15 pages long

Story with No Words/True Story:

Based off the time I caught a shadow person run across my bedroom and crawl onto my bed at 3am

Main character in bed on laptop at 3am

Out the corner of their eye they see a black shape dart across the room towards the end of their bed

Think nothing of it and carry on

They happen to look up about 30mins later to see the black shape standing at the end of their bed. Continue to stare as the shadow person starts to slowly crawl onto their bed

As it gets closer the MC is too scared to move, until it gets too much and they jump up to turn on a light

The shadow person disappears

Will have to add in more suspense and scary “flourishes” to build up more tension and make the story a longer read

Other Info:

Could sell online, indie comic stores, comic companies that specialize in horror may be interested

Audience would be people aged 16-21 who are fans of supernatural horror, possibly people who identify as “witches” and follow the Pagan/Wicca religions

Around 10-12 pages long

Story from Another Perspective:

Little Red Riding Hood told from the perspective of the wolf

Noir Detective setting, whole comic in black and white with the only colour being Red Riding Hood’s hood

Detective Inspector Wolf has been tasked with tracking down the infamous serial killer “Red Hood”. Has been following her for several months and has now found the perfect opportunity to bring her to justice

Knows that her next target is an old blind lady living just outside the city and has already had the police department pick her up and take her someplace safe so DI Wolf can carry out his plan

On his way to the old lady’s house, he notices a man coming down the path; Woodroe “Woody” Cutter, a former suspect in his investigation. He questions Woody, asking if he’s seen a woman matching Red’s description in the area, but Woody hasn’t seen anyone like it around. Wolf advises Wood to keep his distance from the area, and Woody complies. 

Once at the house, Wolf puts on his disguise to look like the old woman, and gets into her bed ready for Red Hood.

After Red has arrived, pretending to be the old blind lady’s granddaughter, they go through the classic “what big hands you have” schtick, showing that Red already knows that it’s Wolf and not the old lady.

Red attempts to kill Wolf with a knife she had hidden down her bra, Wolf stops her and pulls his gun out and points it at her. After a brief conversation, Red successfully kills Wolf with a small gun strapped to her thigh

She calls for Woody who then appears in the doorway to help her move and dispose of the body of Wolf. Red then apologises to Woody before killing him with her knife to make it look like the two men fought and killed each other in the process, framing Woody as the infamous serial killer Red Hood.

Red leaves the scene unscathed, already plotting her next move

Other Info:

Could sell online, in comic stores that specialize in selling indie, horror and/or murder mystery comics

Audience would be people interested in serial killers, murder mysteries, and detective novels, mostly older teens and young adults

Between 12-15 pages long

Story that appeals to a specific demographic:

A scene from a past DnD session

Specifically created for people who play Dungeons and Dragons (or who have an interest in playing)

My character, Imryll, and the rest of her party are trapped in an anti-magic tower surrounded by the corpses of a pack of werewolves after calling on a powerful tiefling and his fallen angel guard to help them

The Triton of our party sasses the Tiefling and gets himself thrown out of the tower by the Tiefling, killing him instantly

The Rogue, Paladin, and Monk each get an attack on the Tiefling before the fallen angel grabs him and flies out of the window of the tower. The tiefling teleports away as soon as they’re out of range of the anti-magic field of the tower

Imryll gets the monk to throw her as far as he can out of the window so she’s outside of the anti-magic field and uses her magic to summon lightning down on the fallen angel

Injured, the fallen angel still manages to fly away out of range and escapes

Imryll then transforms herself into a bear so she’s able to take the fall damage from hitting the ground

Other Info:

Could sell online, indie comic stores, MCM and other comic cons, tabletop gaming events

Audience would be people aged 16+ as teenagers and people into their 30s enjoy dnd and fantasy stories, fans of tabletop games, people who enjoy high fantasy novels, people who play or who want to play dnd

Around 12-14 pages long

[onelifemedia]

CINEMATOGRAPHY OSCAR NOMINEES ON AUTHENTICITY AND AVOIDING VFX https://ift.tt/2OZteQ0

The DoPs behind 1917, Joker, The Irishman, Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood and The Lighthouse reflect on the bold choices they made to bring dynamic visions to the screen. 

Cinematographers are moving both forward and backward in technological terms this year, ironically in pursuit of the same goal: authenticity.

Avoiding VFX and instead opting to shoot reality has been a central theme. Robert Richardson used real Los Angeles backgrounds for the driving scenes in Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood. Roger Deakins contended with real explosions and fires in Sam Mendes’s 1917. 

Rigging equipment has also been a common talking point for DoPs in 2019. Deakins pushed the boundaries of stabilising devices to enable extended tracking shots for the continuous-take approach of 1917, while Papamichael explored the limits of large-format cameras, putting them in positions that would have been impossible a few years ago (on a low mounted arm attached to a racing car, in one case). Perhaps most complicated of all was Rodrigo Prieto’s “three-headed monster”, a three-camera set-up used to aid the CGI de-ageing process for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman.

These and other top cinema­tographers no longer debate analogue versus digital, with plenty saying it is digital and film, rather than digital or film. This is in part due to rapid advances in camera technology by companies like Arri, with films including 1917 utilising a large-format digital camera that, according to Deakins, is as good as any film camera.

Mixing light sources has also been in vogue, with Lawrence Sher using harsh fluorescents and urban streetlamps to create the heightened eeriness of Joker and grittiness of the city.

Whether they are using old-school filmmaking techniques or the latest technology, these cinematographers are creating brave new worlds for audiences and their craft.

Lawrence Sher - Joker

SOURCE: NIKO TAVERNISE

LAWRENCE SHER ON THE ‘JOKER’ SET

Lawrence Sher has been known primarily for his work on comedies including Todd Phillips’ The Hangover trilogy, Paul, The Dictator and I Love You, Man, before he reunited with Phillips to create the dark, sinister world of Joker.

While Joaquin Phoenix’s performance threw up regular surprises during the shoot, Sher was a ready and willing partner for the award-winning actor, and says his own work plumbing the depths of the DC Comics arch villain — which won him Camerimage’s Golden Frog award in November — is not as big a departure as it initially appears.

What was the shooting schedule like for Joker?I read the script about a year before, did an early scout in March [2018] and then prepped for 10 weeks. The shoot lasted 60 days with one day of shooting lost due to issues with the LED lighting on the New York City subway sequence. 

What was your approach to Joker’s colour scheme?My main colour palette was drawn first and foremost from real lighting fixtures that exist in the city. I also looked at movies of that era in which the movie takes place [1981], the colour of the film stock at the time and how it would capture all of this mixed light. The colour palette is a mix of utilitarian light and uncorrected fluorescents — we kept their crappy look so it wouldn’t be clean.

We changed out some of the streetlights so they would be sodium vapour, as opposed to LED which many streetlights are now. When we shot at dusk, you have that blueish light that mixes with the sodium vapours and suddenly you have the colours that I think people associate with the movie: the blues, greens, oranges and greys. You can see the messiness of the city. 

How did you approach working with the actors to capture their performances?On set we maintain a certain rhythm for the actors. If they have to go back to trailer, even for 20 minutes, there is a momentum loss. So if I can shoot fast, they never have to leave the set. It helps everybody, especially the scene. 

Todd Phillips encouraged improvisation, for instance the bathroom scene where Joker starts to dance after killing the men in the subway. Did that approach affect the shooting?That shot was improvisational. He was going to come into the bathroom, hide the gun, wash off the make-up and stand in the mirror and laugh. But with Todd, the movie is constantly being rewritten so you are discovering it as you make it. All of the planning is there but he’s always flexible. With that scene, he wanted to try it non-verbally. He played a piece of music — he didn’t tell the camera operator what was going to happen — and we got that scene in one take. 

Was your approach to Joker different to your other films?My lighting approach is not any different. We are not servicing comedy [in Joker]. Some of the compositions come to the forefront perhaps, more than in my previous works. But my approach, particularly with Todd, is to allow for flexibility and freedom. A lot of it is co-ordination with production design and needing the freedom to be able to light a big space. To have the world lit as opposed to focused on a specific person on a mark. 

Which sequence was the most challenging to shoot?The subway scene where he kills three Wall Street guys. We shot on a stage and with LED panels. It was challenging because while we had more money than other independent films, it’s still a budget issue. Todd had always described it as a fever dream — this kind of escalating light show. We accomplished it with a very expensive row of LED lights on both sides, though not too many LEDs because we tried to keep to the light as they had it in the 1970s and ’80s. I was taking the New York subway all the time and shooting with my iPhone to figure out the lighting for that scene. 

How did you find working with Joaquin Phoenix?It was a transformative experience watching him act and getting to know him. I didn’t say anything to him during prep; he was a little bit intimidating. He apologised to me for acting weird and I said, “No man, do your thing.” We grew to have a good relationship, where we would challenge each other with the choices on set.

Rodrigo Prieto - The Irishman

SOURCE: NIKO TAVERNISE PICTURES

RODRIGO PRIETO WITH MARTIN SCORSESE ON THE SET OF ‘THE IRISHMAN’

Mexican cinematographer Rodrigo Prieto has worked alongside acclaimed directors including Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (21 Grams, Babel), Ang Lee (Brokeback Mountain) and Pedro Almodovar (Broken Embraces). The Irishman marks his third feature with Martin Scorsese, after The Wolf Of Wall Street and Silence.

Prieto describes the epic crime drama as one of his most challenging projects to date: an intensive 108-day shoot involving more than 300 set-ups, with the added challenge of managing a complicated CGI de-ageing process for the main actors, which incorporated a “three-headed monster” camera rig.

Although Martin Scorsese is an avid supporter of shooting on film, you had to use digital as well to achieve the de-ageing technique.Yes, 56% was shot on digital and 44% on film. The overall look I thought had to be based on film negative because of the memory aspect. Scorsese talked about home movies, this sensation of remembering the past through images, so I developed looks based on still photography, Koda­chrome and Ektachrome.

For the visual effects, it was necessary to shoot with digital cameras where the face had to be replaced with CGI. Visual-effects supervisor Pablo Helman from Industrial Light & Magic needed three cameras synched for every angle and the shutters had to all be in perfect sync. The challenge of getting three cameras to move in unison meant that using film cameras from a practical standpoint was nearly impossible.

Was it Pablo Helman who came up with the idea of using CGI to de-age the actors?Yes, when we were shooting Silence, Pablo said he thought there was a way to make actors look younger through computer-generated imagery. He came up with a three-headed rig where the central camera, the Red Helium, is capturing the shot and two witness cameras, Arri Alexa Minis, are sat on either side of the main camera to read the infrared map of the actors’ faces. We called it the “three-headed monster”.

Can you talk about the stages of the de-ageing process and how that was achieved?There are several different stages. Prosthetics were used to make the actors look older. Make-up could make the actors look younger, for example making a 70-year-old actor look like they were in their 50s. VFX and CGI de-ageing were used when the actors are close to the transition to make-up, and that was complicated as the ageing transition was subtle, say, only a few months in time rather than several years. The technical and make-up teams had to be sure the transition was smooth.

How did you map out the visual arc of a film that spans five decades over three-and-a-half hours?We did not want to make it over-stylised or flashy. Scorsese wanted the camera to reflect the way Frank Sheeran [played by Robert De Niro] approached his job, which was simple, methodical and repetitive. The audience sees the same shots with Frank — the camera pans around at the same angle. When we were with other characters, like crazy Joe Gallo, the camera behaves differently.

How did the fact the film was made to screen first and foremost on Netflix affect the way it was shot?For the most part it wasn’t a consideration. Scorsese designs his shots in a way that helps the story. The one thing we did change was the aspect ratio. Normally, Scorsese would use widescreen but in this case we thought we had better use 1.85 because it would fill up home screens. It also fit Frank’s personality more, as well as helping to show the height difference between the characters. Frank was a tall man so we made special shoes for De Niro and boxes with cushions where he sat. For accuracy, we also changed his eye colour to blue.

You were working on a tight schedule. Was there any room for improvisation during the shoot?When the actors want to try something different, Scorsese will almost always go for it. Near the end of the film, Frank is looking as his car is being washed and it’s a defining moment. We lit the scene for him standing and always looking at the car. Then De Niro said, “I always kind of imagined being inside the car.” So Marty said, “Oh, OK, let’s do that.” I had to set it up in three seconds. As soon as we shot it, I could see that his performance was there.

Jarin Blaschke - The Lighthouse

SOURCE: CHRIS REARDON

JARIN BLASCHKE ON THE SET OF ‘THE LIGHTHOUSE’

Born in the Los Angeles suburbs, Jarin Blaschke continues a collaboration with filmmaker Robert Eggers that began on the latter’s 2008 short The Tell-Tale Heart and encompassed his haunting 2015 feature debut The Witch. For The Lighthouse, the pair conjured up another strange and foreboding world: a mysterious New England island in the 1890s, inhabited by lighthouse keepers Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe. Blaschke deployed innovative lighting and lensing solutions to take on not just the wilds of authentic Nova Scotia locations, but the demands of dark, cramped, wet settings.

How many years did it take to develop the concept of The Lighthouse?I didn’t have a script until a month or two before prep, but Rob first pitched this idea probably three years before that. With him, it starts with atmosphere, so my subconscious was working on the atmosphere at the same time that we were developing The Witch. We didn’t know which one would go [first] and then The Witch happened.

The Lighthouse was shot in black and white, with a 1.19:1 aspect ratio, on Kodak Double X 35mm film format, which dates from the 1950s. How much testing did you do?There was a battery of tests I put myself through, like testing real oil lamps to see how to do it with an electrical lamp. I had to know how to light differently: I bolstered the light levels by 15, sometimes 20 times, and the film stock had to be tested in rain, backlit to know where it looks like night but also doesn’t look overly lit.

What logistical challenges did you face shooting on location in Nova Scotia?The weather was bad and added about four days to our schedule. It could have been worse but we had a covered set. We couldn’t do a night scene one night because it was too windy and even with day scenes, you have frames where you need to bounce light back using a giant sail and it gets a little hairy. There was a lot of eating cold porridge in the dark in the morning and the breakfast tent was going to blow away. We had to build this hardcore tent just to have breakfast. It adds to the movie, I hope.

In exploring the space between reality and insanity in The Light­house, did you use special lenses for certain scenes?I went to Panavision. I know vintage lenses are really trendy right now. I had some experience with the usual suspects: Cooke Series 2s and Super Baltars [used in The Godfather and The Birds]. They put original Baltars in front of me and I fell in love with them. So we had old Baltars from the 1930s. We used the first high-speed portrait lens of the 19th century for special shots, like [Robert Pattinson] having sex with a mermaid, the hand going down the body. Stuff that was super heightened where we could get away with it.

How did your collaboration with Eggers inspire you for certain images?I’ve known Rob for 12 years so I knew there were going to be a lot of symmetrical two-shots. There is one direct reference to a Sascha Schneider painting. And the last scene in the film is in the lookbook. Those are the only two references, everything else I tried to create. I know Rob watched all kinds of crazy stuff, like videos with shark genitals.

You are also working on Eggers’ next film, The Northman. What can you say about it?Rob says very little. It’s a bigger movie than the others. I can say it’s a Viking revenge movie and we are shooting in Europe. I think he feels a responsibility to do a trilogy. It’s dark and unusually violent.

Robert Richardson - Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood

SOURCE: ANDREW COOPER

ROBERT RICHARDSON WITH QUENTIN TARANTINO

A nine-time Oscar nominee and three-time winner, Robert Richardson’s career has been closely associated with three filmmakers: Oliver Stone, Martin Scorsese and Quentin Tarantino. For Stone, he photographed 11 features in a little over a decade, winning the Oscar for JFK; two of his five collaborations with Scorsese brought him Oscar statuettes (The Aviator and Hugo); and he shared Camerimage’s director and cinematographer duo award with Tarantino for their work across six films including Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood. Richardson is known across the industry for pushing boundaries and doing whatever it takes to achieve a shot.

How would you typify your relationship with Quentin Tarantino?A relationship with a director is a marriage. I have been fortunate enough to forge a series of relationships with all of the directors I’ve worked with from the beginning. It’s the idea that you are linked together and begin to understand how the other speaks, what you like and don’t like. It’s so important. Collaboration at that level is why rock ‘n’ roll bands are the very best when they hold out and play together as the same team as long as they can. The Beatles wouldn’t have been who they were without John, Paul, George and Ringo.

What is your creative process like with Tarantino once you’ve read the script?Quentin was in the room when I first read the [Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood] script. It took me a substantial time to read it. After we had dinner, we made notes and then he played music: ‘Good Thing’ from Paul Revere & The Raiders, ‘Mrs Robinson’ from Simon & Garfunkel, ‘California Dreamin’ from Jose Feliciano. The soundtrack is like a character in the film; it leads you, it is continuously playing from a radio station. The music helped build on the emotion of the characters and the movement of the film.

What is Tarantino’s process for selecting shots?He only shoots on film, he only processes on film and he only watches dailies on film. He doesn’t see digital replication until he gets to the Avid in the editing room. Our process is to shoot a film chemically, process and print chemically, and that print is duplicated on a 35mm projector. You then project the film as well as the digital intermediate, and they need to replicate each other perfectly, otherwise Quentin doesn’t want to discuss it. It’s definitely challenging, but that’s how we get to be better artists.

And when filming, Tarantino always sits beside the camera?Quentin is a director not a selector. He sits beside the camera. There is no video village, there is no video replay. You don’t go back and look at something. He watches the actors and their performance. If he’s got it, it’s over. If there is an error, something happened or an actor needs a retake, he will listen to why, but he will always choose in the editorial process the very best performance. The film is golden in its use of warm, saturated colours. We wanted to make a film that was about California and sunshine. On my side, it’s a combination of film stock, lenses and light. For the golden exteriors, we used a combination of Panavision’s anamorphic lenses and golden lenses.

You are known for using myriad film stocks to achieve different looks. What did you use for this film?We shot 35mm anamorphic, except when shooting Rick Dalton’s western television series, then we were 35mm black and white, and we shot with spherical zooms mostly in 1.33. There were also two sequences at Sharon Tate and Roman Polanski’s home that we shot on Kodak Ektachrome, one in 16mm black and white and the other on Super8mm colour.

Roger Deakins - 1917

SOURCE: FRANÇOIS DUHAMEL/UNIVERSAL PICTURES AND DREAMWORKS PICTURES

ROGER DEAKINS ON THE SET OF ‘1917’

Winner of four Baftas and an Oscar (secured last year for Blade Runner 2049 on his 14th nomination), the prolific Deakins has been an influential figure in cinematography since he burst on to the scene with 1984. On that film he pioneered a bleach bypass process to achieve a washed-out look that went on to be used in films including Se7en and Saving Private Ryan. He has also been at the forefront of embracing digital filming methods, not least on Sam Mendes’s Skyfall.

He reunites with Mendes on 1917, which follows two soldiers on a mission to avert a strategic disaster during the First World War. Deakins and Mendes had to invent new ways to move the camera to create the impression that the narrative was unfolding in a single, continuous shot — an innovative feat that puts the audience on the frontline.

How did you achieve so much fluidity in single camera shooting?We used a lot of different rigs. Probably 60% of the film was shot on a stabilised remote head. Some shots are done on the Trinity [Arri stabiliser rig], some are done on the conventional Steadicam and there’s even a drone. But the majority of the film is done remotely with a stabilised head that’s either carried by the grips or a tracking vehicle on the end of a crane or on a wire.

How did you plan such incredible camera movement while keeping up the illusion of one continuous shot?Sometimes it’s put on to a wire and then moved, or it’s taken off the wire and then someone carries it or runs with it so it all becomes one shot. The reason was not only to sustain the scene but also that we didn’t want to cut in some of the obvious places.

Were you pushing the existing technology, or did you have to create new methods?We created some of our own. For instance, running with speed down a trench in front of two characters like we were, you can’t do that on Steadicam. So a Steadicam operator came up with the design of little mini-posts with gyros on them, and we put a very small remote head on top. He would run down the trench facing forward with the camera facing backwards over his shoulder, which I was remotely operating. Then he’d get to a corner in the trench and segue around so he started on a front shot.

How did you communicate with the operating team on the ground?I’d be operating remotely. I don’t like wearing earphones because I’m constantly running to and from the set talking to grips or whoever. James [Deakins’ wife and digital workflow consultant] would be on set wearing earphones and relaying messages to the crew. During a shot, she would say things to the operating team like “faster, faster” or “you are getting too close, a little to the left”. It helped because they couldn’t see what the camera was seeing.

How integral were the four months of rehearsals?The trick was for Sam and me to figure out what we wanted to do: where we wanted the camera and to finesse the camera moves relative to the actors. We tested specific rigs on specific kinds of shots. That was the big trick, really, practising with different pieces of equipment. We also went to Salisbury Plain and mapped out all the shots we wanted before anything was dug or built, such as the farmhouse.

How was the weather integral to the film?Being such an exterior movie, we were very dependent on the light and the weather. And we realised you can’t really light it. If you were running down a trench and turning around 360 degrees, there’s nowhere to put a light. Because we were shooting in story order, we had to shoot in cloud to get the continuity from scene to scene. Some mornings the sun would be out and we couldn’t shoot so we would rehearse instead.

The shooting in 1917 had to be in sync with the editing. How did that process work?Sam had to choose the take he wanted before we did the next shot because we had to match them, like the beginning of the B side had to match the end of the A side. That frame and the camera movement and the position of the actors had to match exactly. We would have the take on playback, and set up the incoming take and keep playing the beginning to match the end of the shot. That’s the great thing about video assist and being able to overlay the two images.

You were one of the early adopters of digital shooting. What won you over?

The Arri Alexa tipped the point for me between film and digital. I find it a bit of a non-argument. I think it’s what’s in the frame and where you point the camera.

[fxckmebuck]

Come back to me.

Request: "Can you write something about Bucky based on the writing prompt "I was nowhere near the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by"? Thanks!!!!!! Xxxxxxxx"

Summary: After the decision is made to put Bucky back in cryo, your whole world falls apart and you completely lose control. Will your broken pieces ever be put back together?

Word count: 2,047

Warnings: None

A/N: I ran away with this so prepare for the feels to hit hard. I am aware this is low-key trash.

Italics are used to represent flashbacks.

Masterlist

"Y/N, it's always such a pleasure to see you!" The strong, firm voice welcomed you as arms wrapped around your rigid figure. T'Challa had not always been a friend but as it now stood, he definitely wasn't a foe.

"I'm sorry for not giving you any pre-warning, I was nowhere near the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by." You tried to make your voice sound comical, uplifting, you tried to make it sound like just being there didn't rip your heart to pieces with every breath you inhaled and every step you took but, deep down you knew, you weren't convincing anyone.

The worst thing being you had no choice, being away hurt even more - ever since they had chosen to freeze Bucky again you had been propelled at full force into a constant cycle of pain and destruction - Bucky was the love of your life, a love you would probably never see again.

"No problem, you're always welcome. Stay for as long as you like!" T'Challa couldn't help the sympathy that laced itself into his voice from showing, he always worried about how you were doing because it never seemed to be that you were doing okay.

As you watched T'Challa walk away, you suddenly forgot how to breathe. It always happened this way, every time you came here your body would undergo the same excruciating sequence. With every step closer to his body, your own grew colder than the ice that surrounded Bucky but your heart burned like fire as it pushed lava through your veins.

Steve had asked once to come with you. Personally, up until then, he'd always thought it was something you should do by yourself but once he was prompted by T'Challa of the fact that you had tried to use your skills as a pyrokinesis to melt the ice surrounding Bucky as well as nearly and unknowing setting aflame the whole city of Lagos - Steve thought it was time to intervene, time to help.

But, you didn't want help. Not because you thought you didn't need it, as you were well aware that you were spiralling out of control and therefore extremely dangerous, but because you were ignorant, selfish and madly in love with a man that had been snatched from your arms.

You and Bucky were the perfect team together, you kept each other sane. The presence of your smooth hair and soft skin at night kept Bucky's nightmares at bay and, in the daytime, his electrifying eyes slowed the erratic beat of your heart. However, when Bucky was put in cryo, who was there to save you?

Your soul turned sour and your intentions were malicious, soon enough you were compromising missions and getting other people killed. You put your emotions and personal grudges before your vow to save the lives of the innocent and because of that, you had to go.

Soon enough you ended up taking a "vacation", as Tony first called it, despite everyone knowing that it was because he had no idea how to deal with you anymore. No-one did.

You no longer were the Y/N they all knew and loved, you didn't even know yourself anymore. So, your three-month vacation turned into a couple of years and you'd only recently returned to throw in the towel.

Pressing your trembling hands upon the glass that separated yourself from your lover, you let your tears run freely.

"Hey Bucky," you whimpered, pausing slightly to wait for a reply you would never receive, "so I officially kicked myself off the team yesterday. I think they always knew if I ever came back it would be the last time they would see me but, none the less, hope radiated off their faces."

Composing yourself you turned to knock on the door just as it flew open, taken back you quickly looked up and saw a security camera pointed straight in your direction. Of course, as soon as you entered the city, F.R.I.D.A.Y would follow your every step, she would know where you were heading before you even did yourself.

"Y/N?" A voice gasped. Looking into the doorway you saw tears already spewing from their eyes, a look of complete shock and confusion written upon their face as they battled between not touching you in case you disappeared and launching themselves on you in a hug.

"Hey Romanoff, looking good!" You chuckled, winking at her with your usual bubbly nature and, with that, she picked the latter, engulfing you in love, a feeling you hadn't felt directed towards yourself in a long time.

"Y/N, you came at just the right time, everyone's here and we were just making dinner, you can join us. Please sit next to me! I swear if Tony steals you away to show you his toys I will tackle him to the ground..." Standing there, watching her rant on about everything you missed, broke your heart into a million pieces and not wanting to forget the way it felt to have a best friend, you took everything in. The way sunlight made her auburn hair shine and her eyes sparkle, how her face constantly portrayed a look of control and reservation, she was sarcastic and, oh so, beautiful.

Breathing in her sexy aroma, shivers ran down your spine, it was something you had once been incredibly jealous of. Guys had always looked past you and straight to the beauty that now stood in front you, it had always made you upset until you met Bucky. Then, you were happy to have their eyes pass over you as you knew Bucky's never would.

The rest of the evening was a blur as wide eyes and open arms greeted you - in an instant, everyone forgot the last couple of years and everything that caused the separation. No one asked questions, no one felt they needed to, you were back and you were safe - that was all that mattered.

"Steve was there, I don't know why I was expecting him not to be or, maybe, I was just hoping that he wouldn't be. Hoping that I wouldn't have to put myself through the pain and realisation that I'd been forgiven by him but never by myself."

The sound of Steve's voice brought you back into reality as he stared in bewilderment at you from the other side of the room. With tears racing down his cheeks, he ran towards you, engulfed you in a hug and stifled your whimpers as you tried to apologise.

"The really fucked up thing is I want to go back. I want to watch shitty films on movie nights, I want to prank people with Peter, I want to paint my nails with Nat and I want to train with Steve. I want to hug him, I want to spend the rest of my days making it up to him and I want you to be there with me. I want to lie in your arms and kiss you good night-" By now, you weren't technically even speaking English, it was more of a mixture between heart raking sobs and a few understandable syllables.

Taking a long, deep breath you composed yourself and continued.

"Tony gave me some gifts, I don't think he could resist. They're beautiful but dangerous, they remind me of you. Everything reminds me of you..."

"F.R.I.D.A.Y has been telling me all about your secret missions and I wanted to thank you by giving you a couple of 'small' gifts," Tony said, with a smirk planted firmly on his face as he led you through the maze that was the Avengers main base.

"Tony," you sighed, rolling your eyes, "you know I hate unnecessarily expensive presents."

"Oh no, you'll like these ones. Trust me!" Tony chuckled in return as he was reminded of all the times he tried to shower you in luxuries and all the times those luxuries were instantly returned back to the store.

You silently thanked Tony for respecting the fact you didn't want to discuss the missions on which the gifts were to be used. You knew Tony often watched over you, your personal guardian angel, ready to call for backup if any was needed, hell, if you were in trouble he'd fly in there himself without a second thought. But he also knew the more personal side to the missions, every one directed at a Hydra base Bucky might have stayed in an effort to find information on how to reverse the curse Hydra had placed on him.

The next couple of hours were spent working with Tony as he modified the armour and weapons he had designed and made specifically for you. Each piece was as perfect as the other, you cringed at how long Tony must have worked on them for. Motivated by the hope that one day he would be able to give you them in person, that you would one day come back alive.

As if reading your mind, Tony let out a sob, a sob so full of pain and hurt it was like a million knives had been stabbed into your chest. Sitting down next to Tony you asked F.R.I.D.A.Y to turn off the camera and joined in. It lasted for about half an hour; both of you clinging onto each other for dear life - Tony crying as he felt responsible for your departure and the imprisonment of Bucky, as you cried knowing eventually you'd have to leave all the happiness you'd felt the last couple of days behind you.

"Soon enough, my time was up and I said my last goodbyes. I was finally leaving for good."

Taking a deep breath you knew it was time, you'd stayed for way too long already and if you stayed another day you felt like you would never leave.

It wasn't fair to do that to the team, forcing them to constantly be on the edge of their seats, forcing them to constantly anticipate your departure. None of it was fair, you knew you hadn't acted in the right way, turning up out of nowhere, interrupting the swing of things. You'd been selfish and you were about to be selfish again: break everyone's heart another time.

"Vision," you called out, "it's time."

Appearing from thin air, he entered the room with a solemn look on his face. "Y/N, I urge you to think about this, there must be another way, the only thing everyone wants is for you to be happy and safe. Your best chances to be those two things are here with us."

"Don't you think I know that?" You shouted, instantly sighing at the fact you'd accidentally and unnecessarily raised your voice, directing your anger at the one person who deserved it the least. Lowering it to almost a whisper, you looked down at your feet. "Vision, please ask everyone to meet in the common room in half an hour and, please, don't make this harder than it already is."

Once all your bags had been packed and gifts collected, you headed to your doom. Walking into the doors you found everyone gathered round the table; Sam and Nat were laughing with Cap about something or, more likely, laughing at Cap about something, Vision and Wanda sat together talking in hushed voices and Hawkeye joined Banner in a conversation about something way too complicated for this time in the morning. Searching for Tony, a hand enclosed around yours, giving it a squeeze. "You don't have to do this, we can work something out," Tony pleaded, without even looking, you could sense the tears building in his eyes.

Encapsulating him in a hug, you whispered in his ear, "Don't lie to yourself, Tony. We both know I have no other choice."

Silence fell as people noticed your presence and tension filled the air. Giving you one last squeeze, Tony kissed your cheek. "You always have a choice."

"I hate it all so much because I want to go home but even more than that, I need you Bucky, I need you to come back to me," With that, you finally, utterly and completely fell apart.

Moments later, arms wrapped around your figure - one inhumanly stronger than the other.

"Let's go home, doll."

A/N: Dun! Dun! DUNNNNNNN! Constructive crititism is appreciated!

[klstheword]

Online & featured in today’s Daily Mail magazine - see above 

“Four years have passed since Dan Stevens had the nation choking on their mince pies when, as fresh-faced Matthew Crawley, he had a fatal car crash in the Downton Abbey Christmas special. He called it a ‘terrifying, monumental decision’ to leave the hit ITV drama, but now the gamble’s paid off. He’s since upped sticks with his jazz singer wife Susie Hariet and their two young children to live in New York. Now a full-blown film star, he bulked up and perfected an American accent to play the tough guy roles of a psychopathic US Army veteran in The Guest, and a drug trafficker in A Walk Among The Tombstones. As if determined to show his range, next month he opens in the latest Disney blockbuster, Beauty And The Beast, but before then he’s back on TV in Legion, a big-budget new series based on Marvel Comics characters. It’s essentially a spin-off from the X-Men franchise, the hit superhero films that have starred Hugh Jackman, Sir Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart and taken over £3.5 billion at the box office. Dan plays David Haller, the illegitimate son of Professor X, the leader of the X-Men who’s been portrayed on the big screen by both Patrick Stewart and, more recently, James McAvoy. But David has been brought up unaware that he might have a superhero side. Or as another of the characters puts it, ‘he has the power but he doesn’t understand it or know how to control it’. So Legion is not all about the flying, fighting action heroes battling against evil villains. Instead, the eight-part show, created by Noah Hawley, the man behind Emmy and Golden Globe-winning black comedy crime drama Fargo, is more psychological. Full of gleefully quirky personalities, at its centre is the tortured character of David, who may be more than human. ‘David’s quite a troubled young man,’ Dan explains when we meet on a cool afternoon in Los Angeles. He’s looking trim and relaxed in jeans and a grey sweatshirt, and is reassuringly far from the jittery bag of nerves that is his character in Legion. ‘As a result of being the professor’s offspring he has these incredible powers. But the problem is he’s not cognisant of them at all, and therefore, as far as he sees it, his “normal” human life has been beset by these strange events invading his surroundings, which people tell him he’s imagined. So from quite a young age he’s been diagnosed as being paranoid schizophrenic. He’s grown up being told one set of truths about his condition by psychologists, and then when our story begins, his world is invaded by a group of other people who tell him something quite different – that this is not a mental illness he has, this is real. That these are powers he really has.’

At the beginning of the show he’s trapped in a mind-numbing routine inside a psychiatric hospital, dressed in a retro tracksuit and with what he calls ‘mid-90s indie’ hair (think Noel Gallagher). But then a beautiful new patient Syd arrives (played by Fargo’s Rachel Keller). The pair feel drawn to one another, and she’s convinced he’s not schizophrenic but actually a powerful mutant. Inspired by her, he escapes and sets about trying to uncover his family history while joining forces with a group of fellow mutants to fight sinister government agents who want to control them. Dan says that, in order to prepare for the role, he embarked on a serious study of paranoid schizophrenia. ‘I had fascinating conversations with sufferers of this condition and also with one psychologist in particular in New York, who gave me a great deal of time and told me some very interesting stories. It turns out it’s not just crazy people in asylums who have this disorder – the psychologist talked about some very, very high-functioning members of society, CEOs of companies and editors of magazines, and all sorts of people who are out there trying to live a normal life in spite of it. I myself had a very good friend from college who suffered from it, and having seen it up close, it’s a terrifying condition. ‘One of the things that’s both frightening and awesome is that to people who have it, the delusions that affect them are very real. There’s not one of them who says, “OK, this part of my world is normal, and this part is crazy,” to them it all feels real. So there’s great confusion about what is actually happening and what isn’t. But having said that, it’s not without a certain humorous side as well – my college friend has quite a wry appreciation of his state sometimes, and we’ve added a comedic element to the show because if you look at it one way, it’s quite fertile ground for comedy. ‘Noah Hawley has a substantially different take on the superhero genre, and it was interesting to see the curve balls he threw in throughout the season. I guess it was to wake us up and keep us on our toes. I had to learn to play the banjo at one point, which came out of nowhere, and there are several dance numbers during the series, including a Bollywood-style routine.’ You’ll see him dance after the arrival of love interest Syd, as his emotions manifest themselves – although the scene may be just in his imagination. ‘It’s actually quite a mindbender of a show,’ he adds.

It’s certainly a far cry from playing Downton’s ever-upright Matthew Crawley, a role that followed on from appearances in TV period dramas Sense And Sensibility and The Turn Of The Screw. ‘Well, gosh, Downton and Legion are quite different shows, aren’t they?’ says Cambridge-educated Dan. ‘I suppose they’re similar in that in both there’s an amazing ensemble of actors to play against. But one is the story of a house in England at the beginning of the 20th century, and the other is a tale of mental disorder and a young man in a fictional universe, so there are really not huge amounts of intersection between the two. ‘The only castle we’re in in Legion is the castle of David’s mind! One place where I really noticed the difference between the two sets is the food we’re offered. The catering on American shoots is superb – it beats the Highclere biscuit tin, that’s for sure!’ Having played a drug trafficker and a gun-toting psycho in two Hollywood films, he says, with relief, that he thinks now, at 34, he’s escaped the trap of being seen only as the actor who played Matthew Crawley. ‘Although it’s not a bad thing to be considered a refined man with good manners,’ he adds. ‘But I also think typecasting comes from your own acting choices, and I pride myself in slipping into different modes for different roles. I think that since I left Downton I’ve been taking on such a range of stuff that it’s not a concern of mine.’ It helps that he’s undergone quite a physical transformation since his days on Downton – he’s lost a couple of stone in weight and allowed Matthew’s blond hair to darken to his own natural brown. ‘I actually put on a bit of weight for Downton because it seemed right for the period, and when it was over I lost it quite easily – I just stopped eating lots of bad things and started eating lots of good things, and it went away! The hair colour had actually been Julian Fellowes’s choice. If you remember in the beginning of Downton, Matthew didn’t come in until the very, very end of the first episode after he gets the letter from Lord Grantham. I’d been cast in the role, but they’d already been shooting for two and a half weeks before I came in, and during that time the producers had realised that almost all the male cast members had dark hair. So I had a call from Julian at the last moment, saying, “We’ve got too many brown-haired boys, would you mind being blond?” I said, “OK, fine,” because I was just pleased they’d asked me to dye it instead of re-casting, and as far as I knew the show was only going to last for one series. And then I ended up being blond for three years, although I must say I had a great time as a blond.’ His final Downton scene in 2012 was the crash that killed Matthew while he was returning from visiting his wife and newborn son in hospital. ‘It was strange lying under a car thinking about the past three years and the family of actors I’d be leaving. But it was time to go, although it was a show I’d been proud to be a part of. ‘I’d had to keep the death a secret because we’d been told there were to be no plot spoilers, so that was a little bit weird in the weeks running up. Obviously I knew, my wife knew, and my mum and dad knew, but we all had to sit on the secret. And the way Matthew went was quite shocking, which did upset some people. I actually watched it with my mum because she said she didn’t want to watch it on her own, she wanted me there to hold her hand! She was OK in the end, but I’m glad I was with her.’ It wasn’t only Dan’s mother who was horrified. Matthew’s death caused heartbreak among fans across the world. ‘I was apologising to people for months!’ Dan says. ‘First after Christmas in the UK, and then when it aired in America three months later, so there was a double whammy of grief. But I’ve had other things come out since, and people are starting to see what I’ve been up to, and beginning to understand why I did it.’ While being involved with the X-Men might in years to come impress his son Aubrey, who’s four, Dan says his upcoming role in Disney’s Beauty And the Beast has won him considerable clout with his seven-year-old daughter Willow. In the live-action remake, in which he sings and – once again – dances, he plays the arrogant young prince who’s punished by being transformed into the Beast. ‘Our family watch a lot of Disney movies but that’s a particular favourite. My daughter loves books, and I think the character of Belle appeals to bookish, wordy young girls, and she’s no exception. I brought her on set on the day we did the ball sequence at the beginning of the film – the prince is dancing with 60 princesses in big meringue dresses and beautiful jewel-encrusted wigs and she almost lost her mind with excitement!’ Willow’s reaction was less enthusiastic when it came to Dad’s transformation into the Beast. ‘She said I look like a hippo! I’m in a giant muscle suit covered with grey lycra, and I wear stilts that take me about 10in taller than I am, to 6ft 10in. I had to work hard to get my body into the right shape to walk around on those stilts – I wish I could have had feet that just screwed on and off but that wasn’t possible, so it was quite a physical challenge.’ Luckily his co-star Emma Watson was used to characters in strange costumes from her time on Harry Potter. ‘There are few actresses in the world who’ve worked with this kind of technology as much as Emma; she’s grown up with it, so it’s second nature to her. It also helped that she was very nice, very intelligent and engaged with the story.’ When Dan’s not working, he’s relaxing in the home in Brooklyn he shares with his family. ‘Upping sticks has been a great adventure,’ he says. ‘I’ve loved New York since I first visited years ago when I was in a play. I stayed with a friend on the Upper West Side, and I fell in love with New York so much I’d walk from his apartment to Brooklyn just to be part of it. It was a wonderful experience. I always dreamed of living there, and I’m very excited to have made that happen.’ And he can safely say he’s finally moved on from poor old Matthew Crawley.   Legion starts on Thursday at 9pm on Fox.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4187644/From-Matthew-Crawley-awesome-superhero.html#ixzz4XhmIlOAb 

Good to read - so much to appreciate in Dan’s intelligent and thoughtful approach to his roles....and... that hand-hold would have been welcome here too!

[tobiagbajeworld-blog]

27-year-old Kiran Millwood Hargrave, wanted to read as many books as she could. That is what she was passionate about. She could have been a lawyer but her partner Tom persuaded her to make a living from what she loves – books. The proof of him making a living as an artist gave her the courage to write. Her books echo that of author, J.K Rowling’s Wizarding world of Harry Potter books which is no coincidence with Kiran’s publisher being “the man who decided to take a gamble on J.K. Rowling” – Barry Cunningham.

Kiran’s debut novel The Girl of Ink and Stars (GOIAS) originally The Cartographers Daughter a “spellbinding world of magic, myth and adventure” book has become award winning so far that it was shortlisted for the Oxfordshire Book Awards, long listed for the Branford Boase Award, for the Waterstones Children’s Book Prize and more. The novel based on Kiran’s 13-year-old cousin in Delhi, Sabine, has opened the door to another fairytale world.

Her latest book, The Island At the End of Everything follows on with her “problem” obsession with islands, but the difference is that the book’s colony of butterflies take the focus. Even as a young girl, Kiran’s creativity resulted in a book of her delight stories so much that her parents were told by her school that perhaps her “imagination is a little too good”- maybe then being an Islomaniac is acceptable?

We met on a cloudy afternoon in Oxford at a family-run independent coffee shop known for its chocolates and breakfasts, located near the largest academic and specialist bookseller in the UK – Blackwell’s, and GOIAS was of course on the shelves.  She arrived a prompt 13 minutes earlier than we scheduled, ordered a bacon sarnie appearing relaxed and excited to talk to me. Her quirky wardrobe stood out with her long dress with flittering fairy-like butterflies flapping in various colours, mirroring the art work of her latest book. Shortly after her first bite, we began the interview, no surprise that the sarnie went cold.

How did the publisher, Chicken House discover you?

“Through the normal submission process – I got an agent and then she submitted to about 20 different publishers. I made a ranking of who I would like to be with. Chicken House were in the Top Two. I loved their output. I went with Chicken House having met Barry. He did not butter me up. He said the book needed a lot of work but believed  that Chicken House can make a career for me and that was the magic word ‘career’. As much as I love the GOIS, I want a career – I want to be able to get better and better. It was really hard work. We worked on it for just under two years. It was a process of proper intense revisions but he saw something in it and he believed in it and that was wonderful.”

Kiran laughed at how Chicken House was her second top choice but sincerely sounded grateful to Barry Cunningham for giving her a writing career. Early this year, Chicken House signed a three-book deal with her which she sounded delighted for CH to recognise her books and to know that her writing has received a home with CH.

She lived without writing for many years even though she grew up in a house full of books.

“If you make something a habit it will quickly become a need. I definitely believe in writing as a craft and not just a talent. I hope to get better and better.

My dad was obsessed with telling stories from the Vikings – Viking tales. My mum even before we were proficient readers would either read to us or would give us comic book versions of stories so I had the classics – The Count of Monte Cristo, Indian myths in comic book form.”

India played a huge role in Kiran’s books, not only because, the protagonist Isabella in the book is based on her cousin Sabine, who lives in New Delhi but also because Kiran’s mother is from there and most of her family reside there.

“Isabella’s Da is an amalgamation of my parents – wise and silly which I think Da is – quite playful and also very intelligent and Sabine is my cousin who lives in India. She is 13 now and I have seen her maybe seven times because of obvious distance so I was thinking about her and I based Isabella on her. I really had Sabine at the core-front of my mind. She loves reading but if she does not like a book then she won’t persevere – I love that about kids – they won’t read something just because everyone has told them they have to. “

All of the settings in GOIAS in truth exist which began of value to use for Kiran after her trip to La Gromera, the second smallest main island – which only pointed out to me that she is an ‘Islomaniac’

What is an Islomaniac?

“It is someone who is obsessed with islands. It is a problem. My first three books are set on islands – I am writing the third at the moment. There is something about whether it is the Scottish islands or the Canary Islands. I love being on an island. I just read a great book by Peter Conrad Islands. You can travel in books and they are really egalitarian in that way.”

She expressed that after finishing her first book she felt a sense of relief as she could distance herself from the book but only ever so slightly.

“There was a sense of fear because I can’t control when anyone buys it and reads it. It is like putting a bit of your soul out there – you have to focus on the people who do like it, otherwise you go mad.”

It is not hard to recognise that she is an authoress and her love for islands has developed her writing. The covers for both her books paint certain images in your mind too.

Who’s behind the magic of all the cover art?

“Helen Crawford White is the designer of all of my books so far and hopefully going forward. I love what she does. She does all kinds of  different books. She does lots with Chicken House. I think she is really good of getting to heart of what a book is and you can pick it up and you want to open it. The island and everything was based off my partner Tom’s work. I drew some terrible sketches. I don’t like writing plans – I am a very visual person. I drew myself a map. That is how I plotted my book.”

“The idea was there before I got a book deal and then I worked with CH to revise it. That was a really intense emotional process which is probably why it is so sad because I was feeling very sad.”

Euphoric to discuss her cat Luna and husband artist Tom, who she collaborates with often.

“I just love cats. They are independent thinkers; they are funny to watch because they take themselves so seriously. I love dogs too but I don’t like the unarmed devotion they give you. With a cat you have to work for it. When they do choose you, you feel special. I love just having something there at home for me in the day.

“He is incredibly talented. Him in himself outside of being my partner excites me – his talent, him being a painter is exciting to me. It is really nice to have that professional admiration for each other.

“I think so often like we are told – we have to be so grateful to find that in a man but actually men are people. People should be like that anyway. I was just loving you like you were loving me so having been through something like that together – it threw us together and it really made us.”

She discussed with me how when growing up, marriage was not the epitome of her life goals with a light-hearted tone of frustration.

“I have never been one of the girls who has dreamt about marriage. My mum did not particularly want to get married, it was because of her family in India. I have never been brought up where marriage is a goal, its more about your career, being a good person. Being someone’s wife was not– if it was anyone other than Tom then marriage would not be exciting.”

She laughed with admiration.

“Love yourself.”

She touchingly reflected on her love for criticism as something that she understands and appreciates.

“I read all my bad reviews and I think I freak out people because when it is helpful, I get in touch to thank them and they apologise – lots of people are not going to like it.

It is easy to fail at something you don’t want to do so you might as well fail at something you do. Life is so short. You never know. The younger, the better, there’s only going to be more baggage. You have to take that leap of faith – I would really encourage people to be brave.”

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It was lovely meeting Kiran and I wish her all the best in her writing career. After the interview, she showed me around some of Oxford’s classic spots such as Blackwell’s book shop and the Bodleian Library which famously featured in the Harry Potter films which was an ecstatic experience – As Harry Potter fans do, we had a look around and took some pictures. I had the best time.

Keep up with her latest work here

  Kiran Millwood Hargrave on being an Islomaniac, taking the leap of  faith, cats and drawing terrible sketches for her book. 27-year-old Kiran Millwood Hargrave, wanted to read as many books as she could. That is what she was passionate about.