#Time to take my data and run for the hills

[contemporaryelfinchild]

The thing about doing a PhD is that it sounds nice to spend a long time working on a single project so you can do a really good job at it. But then you realize you are starting your 6th year working on the same thing, and you are so fucking done with it actually.

[traveler-at-heart]

Hot and Cold

Summary: Natasha's playing with fire when a new resident joins the Compound.

A/N: Queen of Angst @esposadejoyhuerta asked for the fluffiest, sweetest, tooth rotting story ever and I was happy to deliver, even after they changed their request to inclue jealousy BECAUSE no one can stop me. Love ya, baby!

Another day, another mission. Since last week’s mess, it seems like Fury’s been finding ways to torture the team.

Yes, at the end they were able to retrieve the drive with the data of over twenty enhanced individuals. But so did HYDRA. And now the Avengers are on a race against time to locate them before the Russians do.

Natasha walks to Fury’s office, not excited at the prospect of risking her life to recruit people who didn’t really want to be found.

“Yes?” she says as soon as Fury turns around. He hands over a very heavy binder. “Is this their criminal record?”

Great, a weirdo with a troubled past. Natasha might not make it out alive.

“No, that’s their academic stuff. She’s a scientist. Crazy smart” Fury explains. “Have you heard of Bio-Thermokinesis?”

“No, not really”

“The ability to manipulate the body temperature of oneself and/or others” he recites, having learned the concept just now.

“That doesn’t sound so bad” Natasha says, closing the folder. It’s certainly better than the last few people she had to chase down.

“Yeah, until she induces a heat stroke or hypothermia” Fury scoffs. “We’ve been failing at recruiting these people. It would be nice to have a win. Plus, she could work in the lab with Banner and Stark”

“I don’t think Nerd Club is worth one’s freedom” Natasha mutters, skimming through the file.

“Well, either way, this mission doesn’t requires strenght. It requires charm. You up for it or should I send Hill?”

As Natasha gets to the picture of the target, she looks up.

“I’ll handle it”

—

As usual, you’re carrying more than you can possibly handle. Books, your laptop, a sandwich from the cafeteria, and correspondence from the main office.

By the time you manage to open the door to your office, half of the things in your arms are dangerously close to scattering across the hardwood floor.

“Oh, shit” you mutter when your keys drop.

“Need a hand?” a voice says and you jump back, the rest of your stuff flying across the room. 

“Uh… can I help you?” you say, because the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen is perched up on your desk, legs crossed and a playful smirk across her striking features.

“Are you Doctor Y/L/N?”

“Yes. How did you…? I’m pretty sure the door was locked” 

Is she a thief? You have absolutely nothing of value, at least not for a conventional burglar. You run every possibility in your mind and then you land on your second least favorite one.

Natasha notices the room getting warmer, probably because of how flustered you got. The file seems accurate regarding your power.

“AC broke down?” she asks innocently, undoing the top button of her shirt.

“Uh… I… I’ll open the window” you say, pushing it and leaning against the window pain. You consider jumping down to escape, but it’s a considerable height. You take a breath, deciding to face the matter head on. “So, which agency sent you?”

“Ever heard of S.H.I.E.L.D.?”

“Yes, that was my first guess” you admit with a sad smile. “What can I do for you, Agent…?”

“Call me Natasha” she says, hopping off the desk. “I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news… and a generous offer”

“Mmm” you nod, fixing your glasses. 

“A tactical team was sent to stop the purchase of confidential information for 30 enhanced individuals. We were able to obtain it… and so did HYDRA”

“Listen” you raise your hand, taking off your glasses and pinching the bridge of your nose. “I get it. HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D. know about me. The thing is, my power isn’t something you can leverage in a fight. I doubt they’ll be very interested in me”

“I think you’re wrong. And it’s not just your ability. Your expertise in science and your genetic makeup can be used to experiment”

“So, is that what S.H.I.E.L.D. wants to do with me?” you sigh, looking out the window. You’re enjoying the view, vaguely aware that life as you know it is over.

“We want to offer you shelter at the Avengers Compound. 24 hour security, top facilities and technology. You can continue your research” Natasha says, trying to make it sound like a great deal.

It brings her back to that time Fury told her it was either work for the US government or end up in the Raft.

Your offer is slightly better, but a golden prison is still a prison.

“Are there any questions I can answer before you make a decision?” she offers with a kinder tone.

“Yeah. Do I even have a choice?”

—

Academic life is all you’ve ever known. Grants were the perfect way to do your research without having to look for a benefactor and expose yourself. You could learn things about your DNA, your abilities, while doing other stuff without anyone noticing.

Now, you wake up and there’s nothing that drives you. You live with people who have exceptional skills, physical prowess, and military training. Their world is avenging, your world is scientific papers and books.

Sure, their lab is nice, but most of the times you end up leaving early, completely unmotivated and feeling empty. 

Natasha watches from afar, and although this isn’t her doing, she feels responsible. She tries to include you in activities she understands, like training, but you’re very obviously not the athletic kind.

Banner is, as usual, isolating himself and Tony speaks nerd, but is barely around unless a mission requires his presence. 

It isn’t until one day that Peter shows up to the Compound that Natasha gets an idea.

“Hi, Miss Romanoff. Is Mister Stark around?” he asks in that shy tone he always uses when he’s around Natasha.

“Nope, not to my knowledge. Do you need anything?” 

“FRIDAY told me to meet him here. He must have forgotten. I guess I better get back to my Biochem project”

Wait a minute.

He’s a nerd.

“Stay” she says, looking him up and down. Peter reminds her of a puppy when he stops completely, as if he learned a new command. “Wait for Tony at the lab. I’ll try to find him”

“You’re sure? I’m not allowed inside by myself” he hesitates, following Natasha.

“Yeah, it’s fine” she types in the access code, and of course, there you are, spinning in your chair.

As soon as you hear the door opening, you stop your movements, almost falling off.

Natasha finds your blush adorable.

“Hey, Y/N. This is Peter. He’ll be around waiting for Tony”

“Oh, hey. Ok, I was just leaving. I’m kinda stuck either way”

“Ordinary Differential Equations?” Peter says as soon as he gets his eyes on your board.

“Yes. Very impressive” you nod. “This is focused on genetic network. I’m trying to determine inborn errors of metabolism”

“Oh, you know? There’s a brilliant Doctor who’s working on that, maybe her paper would be great for you. She’s Y/N Y/L/N”

“Yeah, that’s me” you say, tapping your chin and examining the board. “What is your ability? If you have any? Maybe I can use a different set of data”

“Yes! I would love to, what do you need from me?” Peter says, a little starstruck at finding out you’re one of the most prestigious researchers in the world. 

“For now, a blood sample” you wink at him, adjusting your glasses.

Natasha sits in the back of the lab as you and Peter work together, and you explain every concept to him. This is the first time since you arrived that you don’t look so miserable.

The Russian takes it as a small win when you join her in the common area for dinner.

--

Since Peter found out about your abilities and your permanent stay at the Compound, you’ve been advising him on his project and college applications. Which is a really nice distraction, but it also makes you miss your own college days.

So, even if you’re in a better mood, it’s still hard to socialize with the team.

One day, you enter the lab to find Rogers, Wilson and Barnes looking at a screen, while Natasha types.

“Whoever encrypted this is slightly smarter than me. Only slightly” 

They look away as you drag a chair to focus on your own stuff, a cup of coffee in your hand and a cookie in your mouth.

“Hi…” you wave at them, feeling intimidated as usual.

“Hey, weather girl” Sam winks at you. 

Natasha rolls her eyes and elbows him.

“Ignore him, Y/N”

You can tell she’s getting frustrated, so you inch closer, looking at the code over her shoulder. Placing your hand on her elbow, you silently ask for permission to take over.

The redhead eyes you curiously, but stops typing and moves the keyboard your way. It takes you twenty seconds to hack into the files.

“How…?”

“I used to hack into databases to make sure my name wasn’t on any watchlist” you explain casually. Natasha laughs at that. “Anyway, there you go”

“Thanks, Y/N. You’re my hero” Natasha says, smiling up at you. Her tone makes you blush and you nod, going back to your desk.

“Nice work. We could use your help if you’re free some other time” Steve says as they leave the lab.

“Of course, Capitan” 

—

An intruder changes your mind about training. The threat is handled swiftly and you don’t even have time to hide before F.R.I.D.A.Y. confirms the suspect has been taken into custody

But you don’t even know how to begin to defend yourself, so you come back to Natasha, asking if her offer still stands.

Needless to say, the spy is more than happy to train you. Not just because it means you’re comfortable asking for things, but because Natasha can teach you something that will help you protect yourself.

You start with two sessions per week, which later turns to four, until you’re comfortable with training almost daily.

The rest of the team joins from time to time, giving you advice and helping you when Natasha’s away on missions.

After a few weeks, Natasha notices how your resistance is better and you’re building some muscle.

Only as a professional observation. It’s not like she finds you attractive, with that nerdy charm and toned arms.

One day, as you’re leaving the gym, she checks her bag, cursing when she notices she forgot a change of clothes. 

“Wanna borrow one of my hoodies?” you offer, handing over your NYU sweatshirt.

“You sure?” Natasha hesitates.

“Yeah, I got tons of these. From all the places I’ve done work or research” 

“I’ll give it back” she promises, taking it.

That turns out to be a lie.

A few days later, when you’re folding your laundry, F.R.I.D.A.Y. requests that you join Tony and Banner in the lab. Leaving the basket in the living room, you think nothing of it, nor do you notice that a couple of your sweatshirts are gone.

It all comes to light a week later, when Natasha comes back from a grueling mission. The only thing that will make her feel better is staying in her room while wearing your UCLA hoodie.

She totally forgets about her attire when she answers the door.

“Huh, so that’s where it was” you tilt your head, smiling.

“I…”

“I’m watching a movie, care to join me? It’s one of your favorites” 

“Ok” she nods, surprised that you’re not mad about the stolen sweatshirt. 

Natasha enters your room, appreciating the combination of books, notes and the board with equations. After you apologize for the mess, you offer a place to sit in your bed.

“It looks good on you” you compliment the redhead. Natasha smiles, trying to be nonchalant about it.

“Thank you” 

It becomes a habit, to steal your hoodies.

“Objectively speaking, you don’t actually need them as you can regulate your temperature” Natasha comments one day, digging through your closet. To her shock, she finds a sweatshirt with a sorority logo on it.

“Not mine. A girl I hooked up with in college” you explain.

Natasha rolls her eyes, throwing the garment as far away as possible while pulling a face. You laugh at her reaction.

“Don’t be jealous, Natty. You’re my favorite” you promise, unaware of the effect your words had on her.

“And yet you never let me wear the Harvard one”

“That was my first” you shrug your shoulders.

“First college or first hook up?” Natasha taunts and you laugh.

“A nerd never kisses and tell. Actually, a nerd rarely kisses anyone to being with” you try to joke, pulling out the Harvard sweatshirt from your closet to put it on.

Natasha eyes it, and you catch her intentions a little too late. She inches forward and you stretch your arm back, trying to place the hoodie out of reach.

“Nu-uh” you shake your head, laughing as she keeps trying to steal it. “Natasha, there are like ten other hoodies you  could take!” 

“I want this one!” she insists, jumping. Her body crashes against yours, and you both stumble, falling in your bed. Limbs are tangled and her laugh tickles your ear as she struggles to lift herself up. After a moment, Natasha smiles, looking at your lips. “Gotcha”

You don’t even know what to say, her intense stare making you feel warm -both literally and figuratively - and your heart beats faster when it seems like she’ll lean forward and kiss you.

“Agent Romanoff, there’s an urgent call for you” FRIDAY interrupts the moment. 

Natasha sighs, standing up and looking at you. 

“Catch you later?”

“Yeah” you nod, trying to hide your disappointment.

—

Natasha was gone for a week, and returned with a very bad injury. You heard the news as Steve and Tony were arguing in the kitchen, blaming each other as usual.

“Where…? Is she ok…?” you try to interrupt them, but they’re in the middle of a screaming match.

“Come with me” Maria says, taking you to a whole different wing of the Compound. Since you’ve never been on missions, you didn’t know about the Medbay.

Natasha’s lying in a hospital bed, asleep.

“She’s ok. A guy threw a knife at her, but it was only a superficial stab wound. Doctor said she’ll be discharged tomorrow” Maria eases your nerves. 

Of course, for her it’s easy to say it’s no big deal. Agents are shot, blown up, killed in the field. A little scratch is nothing, especially for Natasha. But you take a deep breath, leaving the Medbay in a rush.

As you lock yourself in the Avenger’s Lab, you make F.R.I.D.A.Y. a simple request.

“Show me the mission’s footage”

—

Natasha’s had worst, truly. But still, her head is throbbing when she wakes up. The doctor discharges her with the instruction to rest for a week. No training either.

The Russian notices a bag with clothes on the chair next to her bed. She finds your Harvard sweatshirt, which puts a tiny smile on her face.

You are nowhere to be found in the Compound when she returns, so she goes to her room to take another nap, the painkillers making her sleepy.

By the time Natasha wakes up to get something to eat, F.R.I.D.A.Y. requests her presence in the lab.

“What is it?” she says, surprised to find you working on a tablet. It looks like you haven’t slept in the last 24 hours, five or six cups of coffee around the various tables in the lab.

“I created a new technology for your suit” you jump right to it. “It has motion sensors that are triggered by incoming threats. That way, if someone tries to sneak up on you, you can either get an alert or program a defense mechanism that can be shot from any part of the suit” 

Natasha takes the tablet, running the simulation. She’s impressed with the level of detail you’ve placed on this and on such short time. She’s about to thank you, but you’re already asleep in the couch of the lab, clearly exhausted from all the work you’ve done.

The sight of your sleeping form makes Natasha’s heart flutter.

—

Movie night is the one tradition you’ve always been on board with. Coincidentally, it’s Natasha’s least favorite. Depending on her mood, she’ll join everyone on the living room, or talk you into watching something else in your room or hers.

Tonight, she stops by once the movie has already started. As usual, you’re on the couch in the far back of the room, your glasses reflecting the screen as you eat some popcorn.

“Hey” Natasha leans over the back of the couch and whispers against your ear, making you jump. Your eyes follow her as she jumps over to plop down next to you.

“You’re not supposed to be doing that with a hole on your side, Natasha” you reprimand. 

“It’s fine” she lies, grabbing some popcorn.

As the movie keeps going, the woman inches closer to you. At first you think she’s settling in her seat, but then her hand spreads on the back of the couch, dangerously close to your neck.

It’s fine. You can handle it.

Nope, you absolutely can’t. Not when you feel Natasha’s nimble fingers playing with the hairs on the back of your neck, her digits alternating between caressing the skin and scratching your scalp.

“You’re hot” she whispers at some point and you turn to look at her, dazed.

“Huh?”

“You feel hot” she clarifies a second later, her eyes looking at your lips. “Is everything ok? Those powers of yours are acting up”

“I’m fine” you nod, looking back at the screen. Aware that you are in fact increasing the temperature in the room, you take a breath and close your eyes, before anyone else notices.

You’re almost back to normal when Natasha stretches and lies across your lap, her left hand squeezing your thigh as the other one begins to trace patterns in your skin.

All while she's wearing your Harvard sweatshirt.

Your only thought is to take it off, along with the rest of her clothes and kiss every inch of her body.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., is the thermostat broken…?” Tony finally snaps, annoyed at the sudden changes in temperature. “Never mind” 

Everyone follows his eyes as he looks to the back of the room, where Natasha is playing dumb while riling you up.

“Can you two find a room to turn into a sauna and spare the rest of us?” Tony says, which makes your eyes widen, and the room practically turns into a freezer. “Great, now we’re all turning into popsicles. Cap, you’re familiar with the feeling, right?”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Tony” Natasha finally stands up, showing you some mercy. “Come on, detka” 

“Uh, ok” you say, your voice barely a whisper as you allow the woman to drag you back to her room.

As soon as the door is shut, she pushes you against it.

“So, tell me” she says with a playful smile. “How hot do you think it will get here?”

You can only shake your head, speechless. Natasha smiles, kissing you softly. All thoughts leave your head, opening your mouth to give her access. You’ll do anything she asks, anything at all.

“I see” she smiles when the room gets hot. “Good thing we won’t have our clothes on” 

It’s the best sex of your life.

So much so, the fire alarm goes off in the entire Compound.

“Fucking worth it” you sigh as you’re both naked in bed, the water from the sprinklers evaporating from all the heat in the room.

[sloanesallow]

Sebastian Sallow Headcanons

So I've seen some of my moots do one of these and decided it was my turn, even if nobody asked. 🤣

These are all ideas that are present in stories I’ve already published, or ones that are forthcoming in Void. A lot of this is word-vomit LOL. I’ve credited anyone that I’ve been inspired by, but otherwise, similar head-canons to other creators are coincidental.

Disclaimer: My opinions are mine. They might also be yours! They might also be somebody else’s. Or not. That’s the fun thing about fandom. We can all have our own thoughts! Disagree? Cool! Just don’t be mean about it. :)

Sebastian is left-handed.

Actually, ambidextrous. So while it’s probably an error in-game, if you take Sebastian with you to Hogsmeade, in the Three-Broomsticks he stands up to defend you with his wand in his left hand. I’ve just decided to run with it and think his left is more dominant than his right, but he can use both.

Sebastian is on the spectrum.

Because I am on the spectrum, it’s hard not to write this nerdy little boy as somebody who obsesses over data and information. Sebastian is a numbers guy. Counts stuff in his head; keeps lists. Obsessive about his note-taking and will throw away a page if he thinks his penmanship isn’t perfect enough. I put in a previous post that he’d be the type to stare at a jar of jelly beans and know how many are inside with one glance.

Sebastian is very intelligent but oh so stupid (affectionately)

For some reason, the only comparison I can think of right now is a weird combination of Abed and Troy from Community. You know the friend that seems to always be in weird, preventable situations and says the most out-of-pocket things but will turn around and quote Shakespeare. He probably is the smartest person in the room but isn’t humble about it. Sebastian is book-smart and thinks he’s street-smart (insert John Mullaney here) but his life experience is actually quite limited. Yes, his parents died (and he may have witnessed it to some degree), but I do think he might have been sheltered in some capacity. Which brings me to my next point:

Sebastian’s feelings are intense, and sometimes misguided

Sebastian would benefit from therapy, no joke. He likely wasn’t given the space to process his parent’s death, so it’s no wonder he SPIRALS when Anne gets sick. His desperation comes from a place of fear, but his inability to cope leads to some very unfortunate circumstances. And yes, Sebastian can be deceptive and manipulative, but I don’t think he acts this way on purpose, but because he doesn’t know any better. He acts first, thinks later, and this can lead to tension in his friendships (MC/Ominis). It’s also why so many authors write him as somewhat possessive when pairing him romantically with MC (or anyone, really). I tend to write him as being disinterested in romance (too busy) until it smacks him in the face and he chases that high obsessively. However, I think it takes a long time for Sebastian to recognize what real, healthy love is.

Sebastian would never be an Auror

I’ll die on this hill. Sebastian would probably not ever want to work for the Ministry, and distrusts authority, even as he ages and matures. Regardless if you think he acted in self-defense or not, he still killed his uncle with an unforgivable. That’s scary. And dangerous. A kid knowing and practicing Dark Magic? Even if he never does it again, he wouldn’t risk his life by flaunting himself in front of the Ministry. Also, Solomon was an Auror. Now, I’ll admit I have him working with the Ministry in some capacity in my fics (curse breaker), but for the most part, he is a free agent and does what he wants (in true Sebastian fashion).

Pocket cookies

Always has some kind of snack in his pockets for emergencies. I’ve had this come up several times now in my fics (see below) and it’s a running joke. I just love the idea of him pulling out a cookie to offer somebody in their time of need.

Other little things:

Triple Scorpio??? I did this on accident when making a birthday (November 8 1873) for him and CoStar said based on my made-up birth chart he was Scorpio Sun/Moon/Ascending which according to my astrology babes, is uhhhhh insane.  

Allergic to lavender???? Don’t ask.

He's just a silly, goofy guy, okay?

[mortalfaerie]

hi here's my take on the gravity falls kids grown up since they're 25 now

Mason "Dipper" Pines

after wierdmaggedan and disposing of the journals, he still has a keen interest in mysteries, just not necessarily of a supernatural nature. he's aware of the supernatural that's all around them, but content to let it rest.

he gets really into history and archeology, and bonds more with ford about this - even though ford is a physicist, he appreciates dipper's enthusiasm

he's trans (i'll die on this hill) and continues to socially transition in high school, and starts testosterone around 16.

he also starts going more by his chosen name (mason, choosing one that starts similarly to mabel) but still lets close friends and family call him dipper. he stops covering his birthmark, though he still likes hats

he's suspicious of mabel's new friendship with pacifica in high school, but he warms up to pacifica ("paz," as they end up calling her) over time. he realizes they have a lot in common and she's actually a lot of help on his mystery hunting

paz's blooming interest in political science lends itself very much to his interest in history, and they spend lots of hours as teen up late on the phone together (seemingly everyone but them can see the writing on the wall, but it takes a few more years for them to realize their feelings)

he continues to be a massive nerd, and has at least one dd&md podcast he religiously listens to. he and mabel go to conventions in california together.

his favorite place remains gravity falls over the years, and he goes back at least once each summer.

he and pacifica both commit to UCLA and become closer there. he majors in archeology & anthropology. despite their very different social circles, they seek each other out. she has at least one twat boyfriend in freshman year that dipper confronts on her behalf (even though she didn't want him to)

he and paz almost kiss at his going away party for a semester abroad in greece, but he panics and runs off, leaving her confused and hurt. it takes a while for them to regain their footing, but they end up hooking up the night he comes back from greece. due to a comedy of errors they don't end up *going all the way* that night, and it's not until they're at the pool a week later that she realizes he's trans when she sees his top surgery scars (thanks rockslide @ ao3)

he was 99% sure she knew so it's a surprise moment for him, and he worries she won't be interested now, but she's pretty non-plussed. they start dating that summer.

her parents disapprove and she ends up putting her foot down and cutting them off for how they treat him, and his family ends up practically adopting her. they are each other's biggest supporters in everything.

he gets offered a spot in a phd program in london, which stresses him out until he finds out that paz applied for a posting at the us embassy in london and got it, so they move to england together

he studies pre-modern civilizations and religious rites (a la stonehenge, etc) and has just finished his coursework and moved from phd student to candidate. he's just started to write his dissertation on potentially matriarchal societies in pre-modern britain using burial site data from major burial sites of religious significance.

he and paz have a cat name tyrone, or ty. they've been together for almost four years now, and he's thinking about popping the question - they're young (25), but he's pretty certain that for him, it's always going to be paz.

[quasi-normalcy]

Introducing: "The Blizzard of the World" (A Theory of Magic, book 1)

The problem, of course, is that I don’t understand. Not at all about anything. We physicists liked to say that the universe could still surprise us, but we never really meant it. “Surprises” were supposed to come in the data: a subatomic particle behaving aberrantly; a galaxy three billion lightyears away giving off an unexpected radiation profile. Not technology arbitrarily ceasing to function for no reason. Not magic or fairies or fucking ghosts whispering to us in the dark. The “Shift,” as we’d come to call it, had come over the world gradually. It’s difficult to say precisely when it began—there’d always been a certain “background noise” of unexplained happenings going on in the world, low enough in frequency and intensity that you could ignore it, or reassure yourself that any given instance would prove to be a hoax or have some obscure-but-rational explanation if you just took the time to look into it. And when this background noise started to pick up, the obvious explanation had still been deception: fake news; post-truth politics; new technologies making it easier to doctor video than ever before. Even when an epidemic of disappearances had broken out, it had been easy to assume that it was just mass-media hype; your standard moral panic about traffickers. Electricity and the Internet had started going out and we blamed deregulation; well-established experiments started churning out anomalous results and we blamed planned obsolescence by equipment manufacturers; fish had rained from the sky and we’d blamed climate-change-induced waterspouts. And then a dragon the size of a Hercules plane had landed on Fort Knox and claimed it as its treasure hoard, and suddenly our explanations had failed us. Everything had fallen apart quickly after that. Markets collapsed; riots broke out due to runs on consumer goods; in Switzerland, CERN held a press conference to announce that the laws of physics seemed to have changed—though they couldn’t say how. The last international news that I’d heard before the power had crapped out once and for all had been about a mysterious army of glassy-faced figures in shining armour, coming out of nowhere to march on Washington DC. Three days after that, I’d personally gotten to watch a similar army marching on Parliament Hill here in Ottawa, bringing an unnatural winter in its wake. It’s difficult to overstate the shock of it. On Monday of that week, I had been living in a rational universe governed by perfect, inviolable mathematical laws. By Saturday, I’d become a vassal of someone called the Winter Queen, and reality itself seemed to bow to the whims of petty tyrants. And now, two weeks later, I am cold, I am hungry, and ghosts are real.

Hello everyone! I figured I would take the advice of that post I reblogged above and try putting up a part of my novel on AO3! I'm still planning to serialize it as a podcast, and I already have a publisher lined up, but I want to see how it plays with the crowd here.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Subprime gadgets

I'm on tour with my new, nationally bestselling novel The Bezzle! Catch me THIS SUNDAY in ANAHEIM at WONDERCON: YA Fantasy, Room 207, 10 a.m.; Signing, 11 a.m.; Teaching Writing, 2 p.m., Room 213CD.

The promise of feudal security: "Surrender control over your digital life so that we, the wise, giant corporation, can ensure that you aren't tricked into catastrophic blunders that expose you to harm":

https://locusmag.com/2021/01/cory-doctorow-neofeudalism-and-the-digital-manor/

The tech giant is a feudal warlord whose platform is a fortress; move into the fortress and the warlord will defend you against the bandits roaming the lawless land beyond its walls.

That's the promise, here's the failure: What happens when the warlord decides to attack you? If a tech giant decides to do something that harms you, the fortress becomes a prison and the thick walls keep you in.

Apple does this all the time: "click this box and we will use our control over our platform to stop Facebook from spying on you" (Ios as fortress). "No matter what box you click, we will spy on you and because we control which apps you can install, we can stop you from blocking our spying" (Ios as prison):

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/14/luxury-surveillance/#liar-liar

But it's not just Apple – any corporation that arrogates to itself the right to override your own choices about your technology will eventually yield to temptation, using that veto to help itself at your expense:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/28/microincentives-and-enshittification/

Once the corporation puts the gun on the mantelpiece in Act One, they're begging their KPI-obsessed managers to take it down and shoot you in the head with it in anticipation of of their annual Act Three performance review:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/08/playstationed/#tyler-james-hill

One particularly pernicious form of control is "trusted computing" and its handmaiden, "remote attestation." Broadly, this is when a device is designed to gather information about how it is configured and to send verifiable testaments about that configuration to third parties, even if you want to lie to those people:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2023/08/your-computer-should-say-what-you-tell-it-say-1

New HP printers are designed to continuously monitor how you use them – and data-mine the documents you print for marketing data. You have to hand over a credit-card in order to use them, and HP reserves the right to fine you if your printer is unreachable, which would frustrate their ability to spy on you and charge you rent:

https://arstechnica.com/gadgets/2024/02/hp-wants-you-to-pay-up-to-36-month-to-rent-a-printer-that-it-monitors/

Under normal circumstances, this technological attack would prompt a defense, like an aftermarket mod that prevents your printer's computer from monitoring you. This is "adversarial interoperability," a once-common technological move:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/10/adversarial-interoperability

An adversarial interoperator seeking to protect HP printer users from HP could gin up fake telemetry to send to HP, so they wouldn't be able to tell that you'd seized the means of computation, triggering fines charged to your credit card.

Enter remote attestation: if HP can create a sealed "trusted platform module" or a (less reliable) "secure enclave" that gathers and cryptographically signs information about which software your printer is running, HP can detect when you have modified it. They can force your printer to rat you out – to spill your secrets to your enemy.

Remote attestation is already a reliable feature of mobile platforms, allowing agencies and corporations whose services you use to make sure that you're perfectly defenseless – not blocking ads or tracking, or doing anything else that shifts power from them to you – before they agree to communicate with your device.

What's more, these "trusted computing" systems aren't just technological impediments to your digital wellbeing – they also carry the force of law. Under Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, these snitch-chips are "an effective means of access control" which means that anyone who helps you bypass them faces a $500,000 fine and a five-year prison sentence for a first offense.

Feudal security builds fortresses out of trusted computing and remote attestation and promises to use them to defend you from marauders. Remote attestation lets them determine whether your device has been compromised by someone seeking to harm you – it gives them a reliable testament about your device's configuration even if your device has been poisoned by bandits:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/12/05/trusting-trust/#thompsons-devil

The fact that you can't override your computer's remote attestations means that you can't be tricked into doing so. That's a part of your computer that belongs to the manufacturer, not you, and it only takes orders from its owner. So long as the benevolent dictator remains benevolent, this is a protective against your own lapses, follies and missteps. But if the corporate warlord turns bandit, this makes you powerless to stop them from devouring you whole.

With that out of the way, let's talk about debt.

Debt is a normal feature of any economy, but today's debt plays a different role from the normal debt that characterized life before wages stagnated and inequality skyrocketed. 40 years ago, neoliberalism – with its assaults on unions and regulations – kicked off a multigenerational process of taking wealth away from working people to make the rich richer.

Have you ever watched a genius pickpocket like Apollo Robbins work? When Robins lifts your wristwatch, he curls his fingers around your wrist, expertly adding pressure to simulate the effect of a watchband, even as he takes away your watch. Then, he gradually releases his grip, so slowly that you don't even notice:

https://www.reddit.com/r/nextfuckinglevel/comments/ppqjya/apollo_robbins_a_master_pickpocket_effortlessly/

For the wealthy to successfully impoverish the rest of us, they had to provide something that made us feel like we were still doing OK, even as they stole our wages, our savings, and our futures. So, even as they shipped our jobs overseas in search of weak environmental laws and weaker labor protection, they shared some of the savings with us, letting us buy more with less. But if your wages keep stagnating, it doesn't matter how cheap a big-screen TV gets, because you're tapped out.

So in tandem with cheap goods from overseas sweatshops, we got easy credit: access to debt. As wages fell, debt rose up to fill the gap. For a while, it's felt OK. Your wages might be falling off, the cost of health care and university might be skyrocketing, but everything was getting cheaper, it was so easy to borrow, and your principal asset – your family home – was going up in value, too.

This period was a "bezzle," John Kenneth Galbraith's name for "The magic interval when a confidence trickster knows he has the money he has appropriated but the victim does not yet understand that he has lost it." It's the moment after Apollo Robbins has your watch but before you notice it's gone. In that moment, both you and Robbins feel like you have a watch – the world's supply of watch-derived happiness actually goes up for a moment.

There's a natural limit to debt-fueled consumption: as Michael Hudson says, "debts that can't be paid, won't be paid." Once the debtor owes more than they can pay back – or even service – creditors become less willing to advance credit to them. Worse, they start to demand the right to liquidate the debtor's assets. That can trigger some pretty intense political instability, especially when the only substantial asset most debtors own is the roof over their heads:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/06/the-end-of-the-road-to-serfdom/

"Debts that can't be paid, won't be paid," but that doesn't stop creditors from trying to get blood from our stones. As more of us became bankrupt, the bankruptcy system was gutted, turned into a punitive measure designed to terrorize people into continuing to pay down their debts long past the point where they can reasonably do so:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/10/09/bankruptcy-protects-fake-people-brutalizes-real-ones/

Enter "subprime" – loans advanced to people who stand no meaningful chance of every paying them back. We all remember the subprime housing bubble, in which complex and deceptive mortgages were extended to borrowers on the promise that they could either flip or remortgage their house before the subprime mortgages detonated when their "teaser rates" expired and the price of staying in your home doubled or tripled.

Subprime housing loans were extended on the belief that people would meekly render themselves homeless once the music stopped, forfeiting all the money they'd plowed into their homes because the contract said they had to. For a brief minute there, it looked like there would be a rebellion against mass foreclosure, but then Obama and Timothy Geithner decreed that millions of Americans would have to lose their homes to "foam the runways" for the banks:

https://wallstreetonparade.com/2012/08/how-treasury-secretary-geithner-foamed-the-runways-with-childrens-shattered-lives/

That's one way to run a subprime shop: offer predatory loans to people who can't afford them and then confiscate their assets when they – inevitably – fail to pay their debts off.

But there's another form of subprime, familiar to loan sharks through the ages: lend money at punitive interest rates, such that the borrower can never repay the debt, and then terrorize the borrower into making payments for as long as possible. Do this right and the borrower will pay you several times the value of the loan, and still owe you a bundle. If the borrower ever earns anything, you'll have a claim on it. Think of Americans who borrowed $79,000 to go to university, paid back $190,000 and still owe $236,000:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/12/04/kawaski-trawick/#strike-debt

This kind of loan-sharking is profitable, but labor-intensive. It requires that the debtor make payments they fundamentally can't afford. The usurer needs to get their straw right down into the very bottom of the borrower's milkshake and suck up every drop. You need to convince the debtor to sell their wedding ring, then dip into their kid's college fund, then steal their father's coin collection, and, then break into cars to steal the stereos. It takes a lot of person-to-person work to keep your sucker sufficiently motivated to do all that.

This is where digital meets subprime. There's $1T worth of subprime car-loans in America. These are pure predation: the lender sells a beater to a mark, offering a low down-payment loan with a low initial interest rate. The borrower makes payments at that rate for a couple of months, but then the rate blows up to more than they can afford.

Trusted computing makes this marginal racket into a serious industry. First, there's the ability of the car to narc you out to the repo man by reporting on its location. Tesla does one better: if you get behind in your payments, your Tesla immobilizes itself and phones home, waits for the repo man to come to the parking lot, then it backs itself out of the spot while honking its horn and flashing its lights:

https://tiremeetsroad.com/2021/03/18/tesla-allegedly-remotely-unlocks-model-3-owners-car-uses-smart-summon-to-help-repo-agent/

That immobilization trick shows how a canny subprime car-lender can combine the two kinds of subprime: they can secure the loan against an asset (the car), but also coerce borrowers into prioritizing repayment over other necessities of life. After your car immobilizes itself, you just might decide to call the dealership and put down your credit card, even if that means not being able to afford groceries or child support or rent.

One thing we can say about digital tools: they're flexible. Any sadistic motivational technique a lender can dream up, a computerized device can execute. The subprime car market relies on a spectrum of coercive tactics: cars that immobilize themselves, sure, but how about cars that turn on their speakers to max and blare a continuous recording telling you that you're a deadbeat and demanding payment?

https://archive.nytimes.com/dealbook.nytimes.com/2014/09/24/miss-a-payment-good-luck-moving-that-car/

The more a subprime lender can rely on a gadget to torment you on their behalf, the more loans they can issue. Here, at last, is a form of automation-driven mass unemployment: normally, an economy that has been fully captured by wealthy oligarchs needs squadrons of cruel arm-breakers to convince the plebs to prioritize debt service over survival. The infinitely flexible, tireless digital arm-breakers enabled by trusted computing have deprived all of those skilled torturers of their rightful employment:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/02/innovation-unlocks-markets/#digital-arm-breakers

The world leader in trusted computing isn't cars, though – it's phones. Long before anyone figured out how to make a car take orders from its manufacturer over the objections of its driver, Apple and Google were inventing "curating computing" whose app stores determined which software you could run and how you could run it.

Back in 2021, Indian subprime lenders hit on the strategy of securing their loans by loading borrowers' phones up with digital arm-breaking software:

https://restofworld.org/2021/loans-that-hijack-your-phone-are-coming-to-india/

The software would gather statistics on your app usage. When you missed a payment, the phone would block you from accessing your most frequently used app. If that didn't motivate you to pay, you'd lose your second-most favorite app, then your third, fourth, etc.

This kind of digital arm-breaking is only possible if your phone is designed to prioritize remote instructions – from the manufacturer and its app makers – over your own. It also only works if the digital arm-breaking company can confirm that you haven't jailbroken your phone, which might allow you to send fake data back saying that your apps have been disabled, while you continue to use those apps. In other words, this kind of digital sadism only works if you've got trusted computing and remote attestation.

Enter "Device Lock Controller," an app that comes pre-installed on some Google Pixel phones. To quote from the app's description: "Device Lock Controller enables device management for credit providers. Your provider can remotely restrict access to your device if you don't make payments":

https://lemmy.world/post/13359866

Google's pitch to Android users is that their "walled garden" is a fortress that keeps people who want to do bad things to you from reaching you. But they're pre-installing software that turns the fortress into a prison that you can't escape if they decide to let someone come after you.

There's a certain kind of economist who looks at these forms of automated, fine-grained punishments and sees nothing but a tool for producing an "efficient market" in debt. For them, the ability to automate arm-breaking results in loans being offered to good, hardworking people who would otherwise be deprived of credit, because lenders will judge that these borrowers can be "incentivized" into continuing payments even to the point of total destitution.

This is classic efficient market hypothesis brain worms, the kind of cognitive dead-end that you arrive at when you conceive of people in purely economic terms, without considering the power relationships between them. It's a dead end you navigate to if you only think about things as they are today – vast numbers of indebted people who command fewer assets and lower wages than at any time since WWII – and treat this as a "natural" state: "how can these poors expect to be offered more debt unless they agree to have their all-important pocket computers booby-trapped?"

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/03/29/boobytrap/#device-lock-controller

Image: Oatsy (modified) https://www.flickr.com/photos/oatsy40/21647688003

CC BY 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

[thegeminisage]

star trek FIRST CONTACT!!! breakdown aka me attempting to transcribe the poorly typed notes in my phone to a tumblr post which will last longer. overall this movie was absolutely charming and a 10/10 experience, though i would have liked it even better if i liked picard and cared about his borg trauma, and i'm sad that i don't. luckily, i expect at least some of that type of thing will be given to me with more dykehood involved in the form of seven of nine, coming soon to a voyager near me. ANYWAY.

first thrill of this move was when data got to say a bad word, which to be fair he also did in the previous tng movies. so already i was thinking, some rights for tng movies

cheered aloud when worf showed up in the defiant. was absolutely thrilled to recognize the defiant mid-combat before they TOLD us "oh hey that's the defiant." ds9 ref! it is kinda funny that no one on ds9 goes "so hey where were you over the weekend?" and he responds "oh just time traveling to save earth from a borg attack nbd!" like i know it's because of the syndication or whatever, but ds9 is perfect for that type of humor, AND it's nuts that such a huge thing happened and nobody in ds9 likel. cares. sure they got problems but imagine the potential! did he ask for permission to take the ship or did he just steal it to go defend his former captain and riker e deanna situationship? was sisko mad that it got banged up? is he gonna ground worf next weekend? i need to Know.

another fun moment was when i noticed borged up florida first, because my eyes usually hit florida first when i view any sort of country or global map where florida is visible. don't worry about it. anyway, i didn't realize what had happened i thought perhaps future utopian florida was supposed to have all those lines coming out of it and paused to see it better. wrong. the borg did that.

dismayed to see zefram cochrane again after what he did to that poor woman in "metamorphosis." i kept trying to tell myself that maybe this was before he became such a creep and then he was all creepy with deanna. he had some charming moments outside of that though

EMH CAMEO MY BELOVED i was so fucking happy to see him. this iteration got eaten by the borg but STILL i loved that familiar face

i did not like picard's little vest it looks bad and it getting snuck into ds9 makes me mad. also, he needs to STOP interrupting data. him killing that guy begging for help was very fun though. that is his idea of help <3 one of those moments where i was absolutely lamenting the fact that i don't like him. praying seven gets to do anything even half that gnarly 🙏

i decided that this movie was the most fun i've ever had watching tng during the drunk deanna scene. firstly, riker was so ready to have a threesome with her and cochrane. secondly, she is so funny, they should let her do funny stuff more often

speaking of riker, he was very handsome in this movie. idk what he did to his hair but it was extra fluffy. i couldn't stop staring at it

data jacking off the borg

borg queen HOT! no body. just a head. extremely fun. she is the same lady as the oa's mom though which also fills me with rage AND she played that crazy bitch from silent hill who got fucked to death with barbed wire. luckily, she looked so different here most of the connotations were able to be muted in my mind palace

picard navigating the borg in the hallway with lily was also unfortunately very very good. "i know what i'm doing" wow yeah he sure does <3

i loved lily too although i wish she had more to do. her scene near the end comparing picard to captain ahab was so insanely fucking good but she spent most of this movie running away from stuff or screaming at people. she did get to swear though <3

holodeck bad especially the dixon hill mention but it was nice to see neelix's actor - another fun cameo. the machine gun reminded me of the pest control clip

deeply distraught to see barclay but at least it was brief. he was actually much better in voyager

LOVED the spacewalk. i keep forgetting how big the starships really are and the scale was amazing, the outer space scenes were tense. spacing the borg, who can't die, and won't die of atmospheric or oxygen or temperature needs, is a fate worse than death. they just have to float through space as a borg until they...starve? hit a planet and burn up in the atmosphere? anyway, mwah. it was so scary

i think data may have fucked the borg queen. good for him? or sorry that happened. also, human data was so horrifying. my poor little guy. PLEASE treat him really niceys

worf tying off the hole in his suit was badass tbh. ASSIMILATE THIS people need to stop calling him a pussy, especially picard. he is so cool

LOVED the entire launch of cochrane's rocket. the music, the seatbelts - i realize now that star trek beyond was a deliberate callback to this moment. one thing about the aos films is that the more trek you watch the more you will come to understand them

i do love that picard went back for data <3 like...i don't agree with picard/data shippers but at least now i get it

data's "resistance is futile" was said with all the cunt of quinto's "live long and prosper" good for HIMMM

"is that earth? it's so small" "it's about to get a whole lot bigger" prompted in me a genuine human emotion which did perhaps cause me to well up

AND THEN THE VULCANS. i know that's spock's ancestor and i love that he was immediately dtf in this handshake moment. mwah. it was also charming that cochrane at the end was trying unsuccessfully to teach him to dance. i fucking love vulcans

anyway, absolutely charming experience. from my understanding this is the best of the tng movies so i will assume tng has peaked for me here but wow, what a moment <3

[clonebrainrot]

Aftermath Season 1 episode 1 rewatch

A live reaction

The bad batch aftermath

So we begin

I completely forgot that they had a clone wars intro for this

Ah Kanan sounding like a 40 year old man

And here they come!

Ah POV shot my beloved

God they are so badass

God I am already getting emotional over fucking nothing lol

Tech no you can’t say the C-word

You gotta appreciate all these battles where they are working together it only happens like 3 times in the entire show

God captain grey sucks

lol Tech doesn’t even look up from his data pad when he is introduced by Kanan. He is literally me.

Any orders or shall we do what we do? God what a great line

Oh yay! Order 66!

And everything continued to go down hill from this point onward

smh rebels was contradicted in rebels he said her last words were run not Caleb! I can’t believe they would get this wrong. My day is ruined

Also I am literally just writing all my thoughts out as they happen I’ll have a lot more succinct post later.

Even this early I cannot get over how good the animation looks

You have orders from the chancellor? Wrecker doesn’t give a shit lol

Hunter saw Kanan and he wanted to adopt him immediately

Crosshair is an amazing shot anytime he isn’t shooting a good guy. Then he misses a lot. Although you can argue that he is subconsciously resisting the order if you want

Poor Hunter he is trying his best to

God I am so tempted to writer a the bad batch protests Kanan fic. I think Omega and Kanan would have such a fun dynamic.

God the scenery shots all look gorgeous I wish I knew how to take screenshots of Disney plus or else I would show you

I forgot how often Tech talked. I don’t know why

Remember when people said the dead Jedi here was shaak ti? Cause that made no sense. She literally has a green hand.

Also every line of dialogue between Tech and Wrecker is just hilarious

“Oh they seem the same to me” I love you tech

My exceptional mind! Another great line

Info dump more Tech I will enjoy every piece of dialogue you give me

First appearance of Omega!

Interestingly Omega notices when Hunter looks up at her. Hmm makes one think doesn’t it. Tap this one down as the first of “omega is force sensitive” (I won’t let this theory die”

There she is. She is just the best.

Also Omega has the worst haircut ever.

I love all of Omega’s weird little waves. She’s so socially awkward sometimes I love that about her.

Oh boy. Tarkin here he comes to ruin the day

lol the Kaminoasn really are like “bitch what are you talking about”

Oh my man soup clone is gonna steal the scene

I like to blow things up because I like to blow things up. You always know your ways with words tech

I can’t get over how horrible omega’s haircut looks it is so bad

Soup clone or should I say CX2!

I love that this food fight is a regular occurrence

Regular clone coming in With a metal tray!

I wish they had done more with Echo’s PTSD

I will leave you to process the shock of this revelation

Maybe this empire thing isn’t so bad after all (it was)

I just realized what happened to Lama Su? He just dipped out of the shows lol

And wrecker is shot for the first time. First of many. I think it might be four total. Wrecker takes an absolute beating throughout the show

What we did on Felucia. Well now I need a whole show about that

Tech riding the proto dark troopers is such a video game moment

I completely forgot how little Omega is in this first episode until like well over half way through

Crosshair’s knife shot may be my favorite of the entire show.

Ah the fetus room my favorite one on Kamino

I completely forgot Tarkin has met Omega.

Squad does not make a squadron. I thought squadron was just for aircraft and naval vessels? I know this is a nitpick and doesn’t really matter but it stood out

I love how Hunter always goes to Omega’s eye level. I love that about him.

Oh oh! Oh no! Kid you aren’t a soldier. Damnit I am crying now. She grew up to be a soldier! Ah I hate it I am going to bawl my eyes out for the rest of the episode

Saw you complicated man. I don’t hate you like some, but you always go about it the wrong way you drove so many people away you indirectly killed one of the brightest minds on Star Wars, but your heart was in the right place. It’s just how you fight. That’s what is important

I love how Tech knows who Saw is on sight. He knows literally everything I love that about him

Saw also does it. He gets to eye level when talking to children. I love this detail. Not talking down always talking directly.

Crosshair always the contrarian with “not that you know of”

Wait how did Tech know about the conversation with Tarkin where he talks about the five clones. He wasn’t there. There are a few instances throughout the show where characters know things they really shouldn’t

Someone is coming we need to go. That’s two strikes for force sensitive omega (again not letting this die)

God the wide shots on this show are stunning

Do you think it’s a problem that I can recognize all the trailer shots as they appear? lol

Strike 3 for Omega being force sensitive. Although this one you can excuse as just her knowing about the inhibitor chip. There is one that will be coming up that you can’t read as anything other than force sensitive IMO

Oh did I ever tell you how when I first saw Omega in the trailer I thought she was a boy lol.

I love Omega copying her brothers it’s so cute

I can’t get over how bad her hair is. I hate her original hair style. It’s just so bad lol

God even in this episode so early the music is absolutely banging.

Omega knows crosshair is coming before he actually comes. And then she’ll make this amazing shot. Omega is force sensitive. Nothing says she isn’t in the show. And so I will go to my grave believing it. Canon be damned

Also why is the Coruscant guard on Kamino? What happened to the gray colored Kamino police clones?

That’s a second shot for wrecker. Dude just keeps getting beaten the shit out of. Already planting the seeds for that inhibitor chip activating later

And there is the shot. Followed by shots that go completely off the mark. Makes one think doesn’t it…

Also Nala Se you sneaky sneaky. I hate you for fives and also love you for helping Omega in the end.

So begins Omega’s adventure. And so begins the beginning of the end for theirs

Next stop Cut Lawquane

God I am excited to go through these episodes. It’s like it’s starting all over again even If I have watched this show a collective 4 times lol.

[freebooter4ever]

What do you miss most about Pittsburgh?

Oh gosh, that's a question! I mean aside from the obvious answer of my old dance buddy lettia or naeem.

I miss pittsburgh's community, specifically the very music and art oriented one i was in. There's community here in LA but its all about fame, and money, and celebrity, and how you can use other people to get ahead. Just the other day i saw an influencer i actually kinda admired brag about meeting someone who out of respect for them + their privacy i have never never mentioned because i met them as a friend first. And it felt so weird seeing this person i know be used as click bait for the influencer's hits/likes/subscriptions. It kind of jolted some reality into me about how this city operates even in the smaller circles i run in. Its like the vibes in LA are all about 'being someone' and self importance. If someone is only going to respect me for my money (or disrespect me for my lack of money), or who i know, or credits to my name, i dont think i want their respect anyway.

Pittsburgh though - nobody was anybody in pittsburgh so we didnt fucking care, lol. It was a lot easier to go to things, to feel connected. There was an emphasis on diy, where it didnt matter who you were or who you knew if you had a good idea there was a chance it could happen. There were things like Art All Night and the various music festivals in the different neighborhoods. I was most connected to the music scene so i miss the casual afternoon concerts in someone's tiny apartment with everyone crowded around the band. The basement parties, the dancing. Ted's rowhouse was on fisk street so when i lived there with friends i really enjoyed how much of a community space it was - people were always coming and going off of butler street, movie nights, human chess parties. It definitely could feel too small sometimes - literally everybody knew everyone and everybody dated everyone. The year i left two of my ex boyfriends were living in the same house and i cant tell you the number of 'male harem' jokes i got about that one. Or the number of times a dude wanted to date me and when i said 'no' i immediately got excluded from an entire friend group. But no matter how frustrating the smallness got, i still was also aware of how special it was. Its also mostly over - a lot of my friends from that time have since dispersed to other cities. I think moments like that are fleeting, but thats what makes them unique.

But even with all that said, you know what my favorite thing to do in pittsburgh was?

Driving

and ok ok that probably sounds stupid. And it probably does not help that im in LA where driving is now the second level of hell. But even compared to seattle or nyc or other places i lived, driving in pittsburgh was just so much fun and you cant recreate that anywhere else. I once saw a data visualization of the main cities of the US and places like LA and even NYC were nicely laid out squares but pittsburgh was just this insane clusterfuck pencil scribble, and thats truly it. Cause not only do you have over 100 bridges and lots of one way roads that will funnel you onto a bridge you absolutely dont want to go over but whoops guess you're going anyway, but this city was also built on a cluster of hills. Thats what makes up the various neighborhoods - and the roads that connect these hills through hollows and over forests - are the most confusing rat maze you can imagine. For every one way to go there's also probably a dozen other options and mentally calculating which route will be fastest taking into account traffic and distance and 'speed limit' is a skill only acquired after years of living in the city. And if you have a tiny car and nasc*ar level driving skills thanks to the multiple generations of engineers in your family....driving up and down those hills is just a joy. It also, uh, helped that I made my own hours so worked from 11am - 3am most days and avoided all traffic. And in the city proper the pigs arent allowed to r*adar so as long as you knew where the speed traps were you could...uhhh... Be lenient. I only ever got pulled over once and that was because one time in the spring of 2016 i went home from work early one night and these asshole hockey fans were taking up the entire street around the rink that would get me onto bigelow and connect me to lawrenceville. And since i couldnt go down that one street, becaues its pittsburgh, i had to go in the complete opposite direction to find another route home which took like an extra fifteen minutes. And yeah i got pulled over, started crying and explaining i was just trying to get home from work, and they let me go. But damn those hockey fans. :P (but also had i realized you could go hangout outside and watch the hockey game on giant screens with a huge crowd of fellow broke but dedicated weirdos, i totally would have loved that. Thats what pittsburgh is all about lmao)

Anyway one of my old friends moved from pitt to LA, and then he moved from LA to shanghai. And i once asked him would he move back to LA and his response was that he couldn't imagine living in LA again after living in a Proper City like shanghai. And he made it clear that he saw being able to 'make it' in larger and larger cities as like...a mark of his personal progress. But me? Im a small town girl unfortunately. I still dream about the day i can fuck off to live in a cabin in the woods somewhere.

[tgrailwar-zero]

Hey Avenger, just wanted to say thanks again. You're the best, I knew we made the right choice supporting you back then. Anyway, we would love to take you with us, but if you don't want to, that's fine. Take one more kiss as a farewell gift?

"Yeah, yeah. I'll miss you idiots too. Take care, watch your backs, and stay safe. I don't want to see your butts again until you've won. And... don't worry about the Admin. Sure, I'll probably get punished horribly for it but, well... you know my whole deal. Pain and torture is nothin' new. Now--"

He surged with magical energy, holding his hands out.

"Let silver and steel be the essence. Let stone and the archduke of contracts be the foundation Let the blackened Grail be the artifact I pay tribute to. Let rise a wall against the wind that shall fall Let the four cardinal gates close. Let the three-forked road from the crown reaching unto the Kingdom rotate."

"I hereby declare; Their will creates your body, and your sword creates their destiny. Submit to the beckoning of the Cursed Grail If you will submit to this will and this reason…Then answer my call!"

"From the Seventh Heaven, attended to by three greet words of power, Come forth from the ring of restraints, protector of the Holy Balance!"

The Command Seals burned. They were new. Different.

Different Command Spells. Different bonds. Different experiences. A different chapter in this journey.

A new chapter.

Though there wasn't much time to ruminate on them and that before--

Thunder clapped, ripping the clouds in the sky asunder, as a hole was ripped in the heavens.

In less poetic terms...

The sky exploded as you were shoved back into the war.

Clearly, subtlety wasn't... entirely on the table.

A figure hurtled from above like a shooting star. It plummeted downwards through the sunset sky, arms flailing at first before they settled, adjusting the trajectory and quickly making calculations as they steered away from the city, landing in the plains- far from civilization.

The crash was obscenely loud, disturbing the rest of any living creature within several miles.

A smaller crash to the one that killed the dinosaurs, luckily.

And one survivable by the Servant, as they crawled out of the crater, the movements alien and spider-like at first before twitching and adjusting to more careful, humanoid posture.

Data integration.

Atmosphere. Strata. Temperature. Air speed. Oxygen levels. They all reading as normal, no obvious flaws or variations, perfect consistency. Too perfect for the natural world. A simulacrum. Digital. Virtual. Theoretical, yet reality.

More data being carefully taken in, as jade eyes darted back and forth, pinpricks of light emitting from the heavy dust cloud. The mind of an invader. A foreign presence. Intense, predatory, merciless, as the light reflected back and was transmitted into more useful data. The running of the water, the crests of the hills, a presence.

Magical energy. A tether. Cross referencing data, 'Ghost Liner'. Servant. A Servant, which meant--

Contact. Quickly cross-referencing data. Key words. 'Wizards'. 'Magi'. 'Masters'.

Contact. Language. Communication. Physical communication. No way to touch with the physical, so one needed to use their voice and their eyes. Vocal communication. Visual communication. Proclamations of peace. Friendliness. Openness.

Contact.

Colloquialisms, 'first impressions'. If this was a simulacrum of Earth, then such things would be logical. The importance of one's first words.

True Name, KUKULKAN. Related items; QUETZALCOATL, Q'UQ'UMATZ, ITZANMA.

The clothes changed, as quick as the dust settled. The Servant, giving a loose, wild wave and a toothy, cheerful grin, spoke.

"Hello, world!"

[applebrooklyn]

India bears a disproportionately large burden of the world's tuberculosis rates, with World Health Organization (WHO) statistics for 2011 giving an estimated incidence figure of 2.2 million cases for India out of a global incidence of 9.6 million cases.

Tuberculosis is one of India's biggest health issues, but what makes this problem even worse is the recent discovery of Totally Drug-Resistant Tuberculosis, TDR-TB. This issue of drug resistance began with MDR-TB, moved to XDR-TB and, as of 2021, has grown to embrace the most dangerous form, TDR-TB.

The cost of this death and disease to the Indian economy between 2006 and 2014 was approximately US$1 billion.

Another major cause for the growth of TB in India has to do with its standing as a developing country. A study of Delhi slums has correlated higher scores on the Human Development Index and high proportions of one-room dwellings tend to correlate with TB at higher rates.[16] Poorly built environments, including hazards in the workplace, poor ventilation, and overcrowded homes have also been found to increase exposure to TB

( Their own living situation is causing them death and suffering, and bad wiring is causing summer fires)

It’s a fun fact and a reality check education hour.

I do agree with you. The world is living through a silent pandemic for years and it's the worst in India. We are struggling with it since pre independence era. The first sanatorium was established in 1905 or 1906, if I remember correctly, and even now, if you go to any of the colder places or hill stations, you will find these delepidated buildings which once used to be a sanatorium. One of them is near my college as well.

In 1951, the GOI launched a mass vaccination program for BCG and in 1962, National Tuberculosis Control Project was launched. As a young nation, we did well. Goverment's efforts were commendable. But soon enough, in late 1970s, we realised BCG vaccine isn't exactly working. This should have prompted the government to take an action, but nothing happened. Although, I would like to add here that some say that some data was lost between 1978-1979 (if my memory serves me right) and if we took that in account, the vaccine was working just fine. I would leave this to your discretion.

The world then saw the emergence of HIV in 1984. We too had cases of HIV infection. We did not knew until 1986. Until then, many were infected with HIV and TB was it's most common secondary infection. In 1992, we reported our first MDR TB case as well.

So we were in a hot soup. No vaccine, HIV, increasing population, recession, political upheaval, communication gap between the government and the masses, poor sanitation, lack of knowledge in public, MDR.

In 1993, TB was declared a global emergency and in the same year, Revised NTCP was piloted. We had our objectives clear—85% cure rate and 70% detection rates. And we did it. The catch—it took us 13 years!

Now, time is an asset. Even more so in the case of Mycobacterium tuberculosis. There is a whole catalogue of 17000 mutations which may lead to multi drug resistance. Bacteria are quick to reproduce and respond. They are exceptional at defence and time constraints are tight. Safe to say, the devil works fast, but bacteria work faster. Sadly, we did not realise it at that time. In 2012, we then encountered a rather strange strain that was resistant to all the first line and second line drugs—the TDR strain. As if MDR-TB wasn't a nuisance enough. The MDR-TB treatment has a success rate of only 54%. WHO reported roughly 3.4 lakh deaths due to TB in India in 2022 and 1.1 lakh were due to MDR-TB. We had record TB cases in 2023.

But yes, we are working on it. We are a big country with a big population. Population burden is always going to be an issue. We can't run from it. We are working on sanitation, it is taking time, but it will hopefully happen in its due course. In 2023, we became the first country to make a mathematical model to estimate the cases of tuberculosis. According to that, there was an 11 % reduction in the case of TB in 2022 as compared to 2023.

Government has launched NSP for Tuberculosis elimination (2017-2025). We have NiKshay ecosystem (under which the mathematical model has been developed), we have Nikshay poshan Yojana for financial support of TB patients. The scientists are doing their due. Two vaccines are under phase 3 clinical trials. Drugs are being developed. Rifampicin derivatives, BDQ, Delaminid etc.

So yeah, it's an uphill battle and we have made many mistakes. But if all of us do our respective parts, we still have a chance to overcome it.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Steve Brodner :: What's a Military for, Anywayzz??

* * * *

[THE REPUBLICAN ROAD TO CRAZYTOWN]

Wednesday was one of the wildest days on Capitol Hill, as FBI Director Chris Wray faced a conspiracy-addled House Judiciary Committee in a hearing that really did go “off the rails.”

Can you make sense of this:

Chair Jordan appeared on Fox News’s Hannity after the FBI oversight hearing that went off of the rails, where he said:

“A federal judge disagreed with what Christopher Wray testified to today and he did that decision on July 4th just eight days ago for goodness sake that's exactly what happened with uh with the decision the the uh when it came to the uh the the decision with um uh I drew a blank there so I apologize I got a huge echo in my ear and I can't I can't even hear.

“But but yeah that's exactly what what happened they uh they pre-bunked this story and Facebook specifically asked the FBI is the Hunter Biden story Russia misinformation and the FBI said no comment this is after they had the laptop for an entire year after they've been telling all the big tech companies get ready for a hack and dump operation it's coming and it's going to involve Hunter Biden and then it happens and they get that fundamental question no comment and this is from the foreign influence task force director the lead on that that foreign influence task force that Christopher Wray created.”

Can anyone who isn’t an avid viewer of Faux Snooze or a consumer of other conservative media understand what Jungle Gym was talking about?

Jordan speaks almost entirely now in the language of conspiracy theories; only the “extremely online” members of MAGA can make sense of the word salad that was tossed around.

The hearing, and Jordan’s appearance on Hannity, demonstrate that there is a bigger issue here:

The Republican Party is now running on insanity.

Jordan is pushing the issue of “FBI censorship” to legitimize the Hunter Biden laptop - which was mentioned so many times that Eric Swallwell used his five minutes to wonder if the GOP had another subject. According to witnesses, the Biden laptop has had its data manipulated so that Russian misinformation could be inserted into it. But all the tracks the GOP Crazy Train rolls on lead here, because the lies and falsehoods created and told by MAGA about Hunter Biden is the centerpiece of Trump’s 2024 campaign.

While the MAGA Republicans have spent nearly four years attempting so far unsuccessfully to legitimize The Hunter Biden Laptop and get their fantasies into corporate media, all the non-conservative media that have investigated the laptop have found the tale dubious and not credible.

Jordan and the rest of MAGA know they are running out of time. The 2024 campaign season begins this fall, and Congress always has an even shorter schedule than normally during election years. If Jordan and his co-conspirators can’t make anything stick to Joe Biden before January, their mission to restore Trump to the White House will have failed.

This is why hillbilly moron James Comer (R-Klueless) is now depending on fugitive Chinese spies to provide evidence against President Biden. The fact he does so is proof of their desperation born of their continuing failure to slime the president since taking control of the House this year.

Trump’s lies about having the 2020 election stolen from him has accelerated the slow decline of conservatism within the Republican Party over the past 40 years since the arrival of what became the Gingrich Revolution. Trump’s insanity has now turned the collective crazy of the Republican “kook’ fringe into the GOP’s DNA.

That we have one of our two political parties in such a collective psychosis is a dangerous spot for the nation to be in. The House Republicans know no bill on any topic that they pass will come out of the Democratic-majority Senate, so what they are passing are “messaging” bills to show the MAGA base that they are “fighting the good fight.” To much of the base, the fact that the antics the MAGA House Republicans are engaging in get a negative response from the Democrats is a plus - their representatives are “owning the libs.”

And so many of the far right “stars” have their own political and financial base, which means the GOP leadership in the House holds little to no sway over them. Thus, when Marjorie Traitor Goon’s amendment to strip all funds for support of Ukraine out of the “must-pass” NDAA was tossed by an overwhelming majority against her pro-Putin nuttiness, she blithely announced to Quiverin’ Qevin that this meant she would be unable to vote in favor of the amended NDAA. McCarthy can only afford to lose three more Republicans before he loses his majority to pass that bill (which will never come back from the Senate with any of the Kulturkampf amendments still in it), since Democrats have announced they will not vote in favor of the bill due to the amendment stripping the Pentagon of the ability to grant leave and travel assistance to service members who require abortion services in another state if they are unlucky enough to be stationed in one of the Republican-run states that have now abolished the right to an abortion in that state.

Regarding the NDAA, the Republicans managed to hang 70 far right amendments on the legislation in voting on Thursday, with every “moderate” “Biden district” “moderate” voting in lockstep with the nutballs the “moderates” claim to dislike.

Democrat Jim McGovern had this to say about today’s votes:

“This process has shown us the priorities of the Republican majority. Protecting the reputation of confederate leaders. Banning books because they want to rewrite history. Controlling women's bodies, overturning Roe vs. Wade wasn't enough. They want to ban abortion nationwide. They want to restrict a service members' ability to get travel expenses covered. Attacking LGBTQ+ service members. Cutting off aid to Ukraine in the middle of their fight against Putin. Stifling diversity and equity in the military. And shrugging off climate change which the Department of Defense says poses a direct threat to our national security. You can't make this stuff up, Mr. Speaker...

“The Speaker of the House needs to grow a spine. Not for his own reputation but the good of his country. This is a terrible, terrible process. These amendments are pathetic that have been made in order. They are offensive. It disrespects and diminishes this institution. It is sad to see this small group of extremists calling the shots here, but that is what is happening right now.

“Let me again remind everybody. In this rule, 70 Republican amendments, six bipartisan amendments, and four Democratic amendments. On what planet is that even considered reasonably fit? This is outrageous. A big chunk of the Democratic amendments, you may not agree with them, but we ought to have 10 minutes of debate and vote up or down. They say that this is about getting woke out of the military. They blocked my amendment to help homeless vets get rides to medical appointments. What the hell is woke about that? They blocked it because it was woke. I don't even know what they are thinking.”

Following the votes on amendments Thursday night, the three top House Democrats - Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, Minority Whip Katherine Clark and Democratic Caucus Chair Pete Aguilar - issued a blistering statement outlining their opposition to the revised NDAA bill:

“House Republicans have turned what should be a meaningful investment in our men and women in uniform into an extreme and reckless legislative joyride. The bill undermines a woman’s freedom to seek abortion care, targets the rights of LGBTQ+ servicemembers and bans books that should otherwise be available to military families.”

Adam Smith, top Democrat on the House Armed Services Committee, and other subcommittee ranking members also released their own lengthy statement criticizing the legislation. These Democrats would normally be vocal supporters of any defense-related bill, but they’re not doing that now.

“The bill we passed out of committee sent a clear message to our allies and partners, global competitors, and the American people that democracy still works, and Congress can still function….

“That bill no longer exists. What was once an example of compromise and functioning government has become an ode to bigotry and ignorance.”

What clearly demonstrates where the Krazies are really at is the report that one of them lobbied a Republican “moderate” to vote for the Jackson anti-abortion amendment on the grounds that it would be stripped from the bill when it came back from the Senate. Performance is everything with these mendacious morons! All they wanted these amendment votes for was to get on Faux with their bullshit, and to con the morons who vote for them in their fundraising. Their cynicism and malicious acts are truly stunning.

The NDAA passed the House by a 219-210 vote Friday morning, but, with all the amendments, it is DOA on arrival in a Democratic-majority Senate.

House Republicans have shown this week what happens when the post-2020 election MAGA GOP is elevated into power.

It doesn't matter whether the politicians are driving the Republican base or the base is driving the behavior of elected Republicans. The result must be defeated and kept away from power. As many times as necessary until the radicalism is beaten out of the party or it ceases to exist in its contemporary form.

[TCinLA ::: Thats Another Fine Mess]

[emilinamary]

Best Digital Crisis Management PR agency: insight from Pr Agency Review

A digital crisis can sink a brand faster than you can refresh X. I’ve seen it happen, a single bad review spirals, and suddenly everyone’s piling on. That’s why picking a solid crisis management PR agency is a lifesaver. In 2025, digital PR is the core of fixing these messes, with online platforms driving the story. Using insights from PR agency reviews, here’s a guide to choosing the best crisis management PR agency, with Hill+Knowlton Strategies and BCW PR Agency standing out as top picks.

I’ve sat in tense meetings where one wrong post sent everyone into a tailspin. A good agency can turn that around. PR agency reviews often highlight Hill+Knowlton Strategies and BCW PR Agency as go-to options, but what makes them tick? Here’s my take, based on what I’ve seen and learned from digging into the industry.

Real Crisis Experience Matters You want an agency that’s been through the wringer. Hill+Knowlton Strategies has tackled big issues like data breaches and corporate scandals. A PR agency review I came across said, “H&K saved us when a hack threatened our brand and they had press releases out in hours.” BCW PR Agency also shines, guiding major companies through tough times. Crisis management PR needs that kind of know-how. I’ve seen smaller firms buckle under pressure, so check PR Agency Reviews for real success stories.

Mastering Online Platforms In 2025, digital PR means knowing how to handle X, news sites, and even obscure forums. Hill+Knowlton Strategies uses tools like H&K Sonar to catch problems early. A client once told me, “Their tech spotted a bad rumor before it went viral.” BCW PR Agency blends digital PR with data to steer online chatter. I saw a crisis blow up once because an agency ignored social media, a huge mistake. PR agency reviews praise BCW PR Agency for digital smarts and Hill+Knowlton Strategies for tech-driven moves.

Honest Messaging That Connects Crisis management PR needs clear, real messages to rebuild trust. BCW PR Agency nails this with open communication. A PR agency review quoted a client: “BCW’s apology for our recall felt human, and customers came back.” Hill+Knowlton Strategies crafts messages for specific industries, but they can feel formal for smaller brands. Digital PR lives on authenticity. Check reviews to see how agencies handle tough talks.

Always Ready to Act Crises don’t wait for business hours. PR agency reviews stress 24/7 availability. BCW PR Agency gets props for fixing a client’s late-night mess. A manager said, “They were on it at 2 a.m., no questions asked.” Hill+Knowlton Strategies has quick-response teams too. In digital PR, speed is everything news spreads too fast. Both agencies are on point here.

Understanding Your Industry Different businesses face different problems. Hill+Knowlton Strategies is a pro in tech and healthcare, knowing their rules inside out. BCW PR Agency covers everything from consumer goods to public policy. PR agency reviews warn that picking the wrong fit hurts, I’ve seen it cost brands. Check client lists to see if Hill+Knowlton Strategies or BCW PR Agency matches your field.

Using Data Smartly Digital PR in 2025 runs on data. Hill+Knowlton Strategies uses AI to track what people think and predict outcomes. A tech CEO told me, “Their data kept us one step ahead.” BCW PR Agency uses data to tweak messages and measure results. I’ve seen campaigns flop without data—don’t skip it. PR agency reviews like agencies that plan with numbers, not guesses.

Rebuilding Trust for the Long Haul Stopping a crisis isn’t enough; you need to bounce back. BCW PR Agency runs campaigns to make brands look good again, like ongoing media outreach. Hill+Knowlton Strategies uses articles to rebuild trust. A brand manager said, “H&K’s thought leadership pieces made us credible again.” Crisis management PR needs long-term plans, and PR agency reviews highlight both for this.

Keeping Up with Change The online world shifts fast, and crisis management PR has to stay sharp. Hill+Knowlton Strategies uses new tech like AI monitoring to stay ahead. BCW PR Agency adapts across industries. Some agencies fall behind, but these don’t. A PR agency review noted, “BCW pivoted when a new platform took off.” Digital PR thrives on trends like real-time tracking.

I’m torn on Hill+Knowlton Strategies versus BCW PR Agency. Hill+Knowlton Strategies feels like the tech-savvy pick for complex industries, but it might be too big for small brands. BCW PR Agency works across more fields, though it can feel less personal. I lean toward BCW PR Agency for its flexibility, but Hill+Knowlton Strategies is killer for tech crises. Both are top-notch in crisis management PR and digital PR.

Check case studies like Hill+Knowlton Strategies and BCW PR Agency have solid ones. Try a small project to test them. I hired an agency once without checking reviews and regretted it, don’t make that mistake. Digital PR in 2025 is fast and unforgiving. Pick an agency that’s ready for the worst.

[digiwarepost]

Grow Your Business with Local SEO and Internet Marketing in Hills Shire Council

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Why Local SEO Matters for Hills Shire Businesses

Local SEO is all about ensuring your business is visible to customers in your geographic area. For a thriving community like Hills Shire Council, this can be a game-changer. Here’s how Digiware’s local SEO services can transform your business:

Enhanced Local Visibility: By optimising your website for location-based keywords like "local SEO service provider Hills Shire Council," Digiware ensures your business is easily discoverable. This means higher foot traffic and more inquiries from local customers.

Google My Business Optimisation: An optimised GMB profile is key to ranking higher in local searches. Digiware ensures your business details are up-to-date, improving trust and visibility.

Local Link Building: We create high-quality, locally relevant backlinks to improve your website's authority and search rankings.

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Internet Marketing: Your Key to Long-Term Growth

Internet marketing encompasses a broad range of strategies that allow businesses to reach their audience effectively. Digiware’s expertise ensures every aspect of your digital marketing strategy is fine-tuned to deliver results.

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Digiware understands that every business is unique, and so are its challenges. That’s why we offer personalised strategies to meet the specific needs of businesses in Hills Shire Council.

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Customised SEO Plans: Whether you’re a small café or a large enterprise, our SEO plans are tailored to your industry and business goals.

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As the top internet marketing agency in Hills Shire Council, Digiware combines innovation, experience, and a results-driven approach to help businesses grow. We focus on:

Delivering measurable results through data-driven strategies.

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Conclusion

The combination of local SEO and internet marketing is the ultimate recipe for success in Hills Shire Council’s competitive market. By partnering with Digiware, you gain access to expert strategies that drive visibility, engagement, and conversions.

Whether you're looking to rank higher on search engines, attract more local customers, or expand your online reach, Digiware is here to help. Our comprehensive services ensure your business not only meets but exceeds its goals.

Take the next step in your digital journey. Visit Digiware today to discover how we can help your business grow in Hills Shire Council!

[appalamutte]

december 24th, 2024

What makes something real?

I was on a run the other day at the high school's old track field, when it was just above freezing and the sun was dipped just above the hills, and the air stung the insides of my lungs as I pushed, pushed, pushed on. I'm not a good runner. I'm not really even a runner; it's a point somewhere between walking and running that I fall, like a short-stride jog with the pose of a sprint. Embarrassing, probably, awkward to look at. But I put earbuds in and stretch and push myself off the pavement over and over and to me, that's enough. It's movement. It's liberating.

I was on a run and the sun was dipped just above the hills and the wind gusted every time I turned a specific part of the track. A whoosh of prickling ice across me. Pushing against me. Cold. And it made me wonder: is wind real because we can prove it's there, or is feeling it proof enough that it exists?

This is something we experience every day. When you take a sip of fresh tea, you are reminded of the existence of heat. When you get together with an old friend for dinner, you are reminded of the existence of nostalgia. When you take the train downtown and pass the various high-rises of hundreds of lives being lived in a singular, collective moment, thousands of people you will never meet who live just across town, you are shown the wonderful presence of community.

Why is it, then, that those reminders are so easy to accept, but love isn't? Why is it we have to be told we're loved? Why do I always, always have this incessant need to check in, to hear that my loved ones love me, to be shown - physically, verbally, absolutely - that I'm not being pushed away?

You can soften your eyes when looking at me - when I'm going on about the ridiculousness of People Magazine's Man of the Year title, because how can a brand be so out of touch with modern culture and why do we have to declare one person as the best of all on something so subjective like physical appearance - you can soften your eyes, curl your lips into a smile, watch me intently, and I'll notice it! I'll see it as I'm speaking, the way you look at me, and something in me will settle with knowing. I can feel it. But then it'll be three days later and I'm laying in bed, wide-awake, floating through moments in the pitch-black of midnight, and I remember I felt it - the wind in my ears, the heat of the cup, the way you looked at me - and suddenly feeling it isn't enough anymore.

But it was, right? It was enough until it isn't. And so I reach out to outside sources: I spill my guts to my friends who've never met you, and they do their best to give their hypothesis with the little data to go off of. I'll cave and talk to our ex-coworkers, embarrassingly so, and they reassure me that it's there. It's real. They see it too, and they're working with nearly the same amount of data I'm running off of. They tell me to hold out, feel it a bit more. Enjoy the moment. Relish in the now of our budding relationship - platonic, romantic, whatever.

So I try. You offer to drive us over an hour to the nearest city for a hockey game. I teach you the basics of different skincare products in the beauty section of a small-town Walmart. We continue getting together, just the two of us, and we sit in quiet corners of late-night diners or easily-loud fast food lobbies, and you look at me in ways I've never been looked at before, and I hide my smile behind my drink and you drink it in and I glance around and wonder what do they see? what do they notice, the other patrons? what do we look like?

And…why does that matter? I can feel it. I feel that you can feel it, I think - I hope. You make me feel noticed, pointing out little things no one else has pointed out before, remembering the smallest of things about me. Every time we're together, I try to remember your face exactly as it is at that moment: if your hair is done up or relaxed, if you've shaved that morning or the morning before, if your eyes are more tired than usual. But do you? You notice things about me, but is it superficial - accidental - or are you looking at me because you really want to? When there's eye contact, you are, but what about when I'm not looking? Do you still look?

And if so, how do I know it's real?

I broke down crying the other day. It was a spur of the moment, all-consuming cry. Running to my room to hide from family, throwing my glasses into the pillows, muffling myself with blankets because you hadn't reached out in three days and this was it. This is it. I feel it when we're together, but I also feel the opposite when we're apart. So which one is real? Are they both?

I have issues. I've never been in a relationship before, never been kissed, never been sought after. I have attachment issues that spur from when I was very young, no taller than a door handle, and it manifests itself in all my relationships. I have gone months ghosting best friends before. I don't handle conflict well. I've lost lifelong people due to my own head. I recognize all of this, and I have to admit I've been working on it. I'm a better person than I was three months ago, a year ago, five years ago. I'm older and more secure in myself, but these flaws of mine still persist. It's an ugly whisper in the back of my mind. Leave, run. Beg and plead for reassurance. Put my love into a jar, like a house spider I'm wanting to move, but leave it there because it'll die if it's outside and I'll kill it if I leave it in my room. Stand there frozen in indecision, holding the jar, looking at the innocent creature, and feel everything I've never felt before until the spider suffocates and I break down because it's all my fault. That's how I've been all my life, I think.

The wind is real because I can feel it. It pushes against me as I run. Foot on pavement, propelling myself forward one step at a time. The sun dips beneath the hills now. The air is nippier. I need to go home soon, but one more lap won't hurt. Two more, maybe.

The way you look at me is real, too. I can feel it. I've never felt it before. I want to feel it forever.

Let's get dinner sometime, maybe after the holidays. Reach out to me. I've been working on myself. Even if we go nowhere, no matter how badly I want to - even if we never leave those moments where it's just us, talking, being together; no touching past a friendly hand on the shoulder, no intimacy past being allowed to take up parts of each other's day. Hearing your laugh, hearing you tease me in that easy way you seem to pull off that I can never do, the way that all my friends say sounds like we've already lived a whole life together, hearing about the different, niche interests you know so much about. Seeing your smile, seeing how you squint your eyes when you're thinking of something, the way you wiggle your eyebrows when we're playful together. Feeling the security of your presence, the comfort of your body being a few feet away, facing me.

It's real, right? In some way?

I don't leave spiders in jars anymore. I want to believe the wind exists solely because I can feel it, too.