#WHY ARE THESE HORMONES CAUSING PROBLEMS AGAIN NOW. WTF.

[fractallogic]

Please join me in admiring the hilarious disparity between the number of books I’ve read so far this year vs. the number of PAGES I’ve read this year, courtesy of the 1000-page tome I finished this morning

And yeah the next three non-work books I have on deck are each about 700 pages (two fantasy and one contemporary hockey romance????? Wtf is she writing about for that long????????) (don’t worry I’m starting it tonight so I’ll be able to report back soon), so… given my reading proclivities I should have set the page goal higher than the estimate given by the app. Lmfao. But still.

Anyway you should use StoryGraph if you want to use goodreads but don’t want to support Amazon and would rather support a black-owned, woman-owned independent app!! And if you want fun graphs about your reading! And thematic reading challenges! And you can import your goodreads data!

[blog-name-idk]

Everything Falls (Into Place) | 20

*Banner by the incredible @bangtansmauyeondan

Pairing: OT7 x Fem Reader

Genre: College!AU, Roommate!AU, Fluff, Humor, Smut

Summary: Your new roommates are unbearably nice and unbearably hot. Good thing you're an adult who is fully capable of platonic friendships with the opposite sex, right?

Word Count: 2930

~~~~~

You

JIN

HELP ME

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR

Jin

Lol it's so cute how you always freak out like this

Whatever you choose will be fine

You

That's not helpful!

Jin

I know my beautiful wife will look good in anything

You

Your beautiful wife might end up going naked at this point

Jin

I mean, they might be a little surprised

But they're surprisingly progressive

You

Ew you're not suggesting swinging with your parents right?

Jin

Omg NO wtf

You

Lmao

Seriously though

What are you wearing

Jin

Ohhh you want to know what I'm wearing, huh? ;)

You

Kim Seokjin I am this close to losing it

Jin

Ok ok want me to come help you decide?

You

Please!!

Just let me get dressed

Jin

Lol are you STILL in your PJs?

You

Uhh in a manner of speaking

Jin blinked at his phone, glad that you weren't there to laugh at the way his ears were blazing. He had almost forgotten that little tidbit you had casually thrown out in the group chat so long ago. He tried not to dwell on your sleeping attire - or lack thereof - but it was fruitless. Were you wearing a shirt? Or just underwear? Or… nothing at all? While texting him?

Jin

Oh

Oh fuck, he was getting a boner and he was supposed to go to your room to help you pick out dinner clothes for tonight. You room, where you were currently - no no no don't think about her naked in her room. He wasn't a hormonal teenager anymore, why couldn't he control these intrusive thoughts?

Well, he knew why. The conversation with his housemates had been necessary, but now he couldn't stop hoping that the dreamy scenarios he had of you by his side would become a reality. And yet he was conflicted - he liked to think that he was a big enough person to be satisfied if you felt the same way he did, whether the others were involved or not. But he couldn't tell if he would really be fine with it in reality.

He had never really been a jealous person, but it was hard to predict how his feelings would go in that type of situation. On the other hand, if you did end up with only him, wouldn't he then feel guilty for causing his best friends pain? At the same time, it also seemed pointless to ponder too long on these theoretical questions, since he had no way of knowing how he would react until something actually happened.

He acted confident and nonchalant around the others - in a way he felt like he had to, being the oldest. But this situation had a part of him terrified. While he normally didn't have a problem asking people out, this was you, a real, flawed, wonderful person who had somehow become the girl of his dreams. And at the end of the day it wouldn't just affect the two of you, but a whole slew of the people he cared most about in the world.

Still, he knew it had to be done. They couldn't live in this state of limbo forever, no matter how cozily domestic everything currently felt. If you didn't feel the same way, you would be kind about it (which was almost worse, because if you were the type to be cold then none of them would like you this much). Things would eventually return to some semblance of normality. Though it could mean the potential loss of your teasing banter and gentle touches, since you would probably feel uncomfortable continuing to do so.

Jin's phone dinged, making him realize he had just been standing, lost in thought, for the last several minutes.

Oops. Well, at least his dick had calmed down. He sighed. One way or another, tonight was going to be an experience.

You

You coming?

Hellooooooooooo

~~~~~

"[Y/n]! It's so wonderful to finally see you again!"

Gee, it's great to see you too mom," grumbled Jin, crossing his arms and jutting his plump bottom lip out into a horribly cute pout. You were torn between the desire to kiss it and strangle him for making it so hard to control yourself. Instead of either option you smiled at his mother, who had come to greet the two of you at the door. She smiled back, also ignoring her son, and pulled you into a hug.

"Come in, come in," she urged, stepping aside so you could enter the impressive foyer.

"Wow, it's even lovelier inside than outside," you said in awe, hoping you didn't look like a complete bumpkin as you gaped at the lush interior. You would have felt like an out-of-place peasant had Jin not taken that moment to set his hands reassuringly on your shoulders.

"That's because they spent an unnecessary amount of money contracting an interior designer and an interior decorator," he quipped. You nodded, pretending you totally knew there was a difference between the two.

His mother led the two of you to the sitting room - you weren't actually sure what differentiated that from a living room, either - where Jin's father was lounging with a tumbler of what was probably some very expensive whiskey. As soon as you entered the room, he grinned and stood up to greet the two of you.

"[Y/n], we're so happy you were able to come," he said, giving you a quick one-armed hug before doing the same for Jin. He then made his way to a gorgeous, well-stocked bar-cart complete with a swanky ice bucket and tongs, and asked if either of you wanted anything to drink.

"Could I try what you're having?" you asked. You weren't normally one to drink liquor without a mixer, but that was more because you were a cheap college student who wasn't going to spend money on something expensive. You wanted to know what something actually nice tasted like. Jin echoed your preference and his father complied, pulling a beautiful crystal decanter from the cart.

"Ice?" he asked, and you shook your head, curious about the unaltered flavor. He raised his eyebrows and flashed a smile at his son.

"She might be a better whiskey drinker than you," he joked as he put ice in only one of the glasses. Jin rolled his eyes good-naturedly before directing you to sit next to him on a plush couch.

When his father came over with your drinks, you took a cautious sniff, expecting harsh fumes. Instead you were met by a more mellow, almost sweet aroma. It still burned your nose a little, but it was actually pleasant. The amber liquid seemed to glow in the light of the room, and when you took a tentative sip you gasped at how smooth it tasted.

"Wow," you breathed, stunned. So this was why people got so snobby and annoying about fancy alcohol. A small noise from Jin caught your attention and you turned to see him smiling at you.

"You're so cute," he teased. You couldn't tell if the heat you felt rising in your cheeks was from the whiskey or the unabashed fondness in his gaze. He shouldn't have been allowed to smile at you like that.

"Ah, young love."

That brought you back to your senses and you snapped your gaze towards his mother, who was whispering to her husband with a grin that was bordering on a smirk. Embarrassed by how obvious you were being, you took another sip of whiskey, then almost spilled it onto the dress you were wearing when Jin set his hand lightly on your knee. The fucker didn't even look at you when he did so, instead just laughing and redirecting the topic to summer plans.

You found it increasingly difficult to concentrate with his large, warm hand on your bare skin, but you did your best to look attentive and pay attention as his parents told you about the trip to Paris they planned to take soon. And then his thumb began tracing soft circles that left goosebumps in their wake and you knew you were in trouble.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but could I use the restroom?" you asked, desperate to escape that innocent yet horribly tantalizing touch.

"Oh! Of course!" Thank god, freedom.

"Jin, could you show her the way?" Fuck.

"Of course."

Your oh-so-loving not-boyfriend stood up first and gallantly held out his hand to help you up. Suppressing a hysterical laugh, you took it and let him lead you through the house, which was more like a manor. Because you couldn't leave well enough alone, you opened your big stupid mouth.

"Why were you doing that?"

"Doing what?" He looked confused, and you wanted to die at the realization that he hadn't even been consciously trying to fluster you.

"I… er… nevermind," you stuttered. He stopped walking and turned to face you completely, and you cursed yourself for being so unconvincing.

"Is everything alright?" he asked, concern shining in those gorgeous eyes. He was still holding your hand, and your heart began to speed up.

"Youputyourhandonmyknee," the words spilled out and you cringed at how juvenile you sounded. Couples did that kind of thing all the time, and you couldn't handle it because you were an idiot.

Jin's eyes widened and he let go of your hand, looking distraught.

"Oh God, I'm sorry, was that crossing a line? I just felt so comfortable that I didn't even think about it."

He looked genuinely ashamed, which in turn made you feel horrible because the problem wasn't that he had crossed a line. It was that your evil brain wanted him to. The longer he had innocently stroked your skin, the harder it had become not to imagine that hand inching its way further up. Ugh, he was about to hate you for this, but anything was better than being the cause of the distress on his face.

"That's not it, exactly."

"Is this too much for you? I'm sorry if I pushed you into seeing my parents again, I'm sure it can't be easy pretending to like me - "

"Oh my god," you groaned, cutting him off and covering your face with your hands. "Please shut up and stop being sweet for a second, Jin."

You watched his face go confused (and slightly offended), and he cocked his head to the side. Why did he have to be so perfect? Fuck. Well.

"It was just… really distracting…" you said through gritted teeth, hoping you wouldn't have to elaborate. Unfortunately the world hated you, because your beautiful not-boyfriend was looking at you expectantly, still bewildered. You closed your eyes so you wouldn't have to see his reaction, and let the life-ruining words come out.

"I'm not pretending to like you."

You waited in agonizing silence for his response. When none came, you opened your eyes to see him staring at you, lips slightly parted in shock. Your heart sank. He was probably speechless at the way you had completely broken his trust. You looked down at your feet, ashamed to realize your eyes were starting to burn.

"I'm sorry," you whispered. "I didn't mean to take advantage of the situation."

A hand cupped your chin and forced you to meet his gaze. His eyes were wide, with an almost wild light shining from them.

"You - you like me?" he asked, a tightness you'd never heard before permeating his voice. You gave a tiny nod, sure that if you opened your mouth you wouldn't be able to keep your tears at bay.

"As in, romantically?" You gave another nod, brows knitting slightly. What exactly was so hard to grasp about -

His lips descended on yours, effectively shutting your brain up. Before you could fully register what was happening, he pulled back, ears bright pink.

"Um," he started, but by then your shock had worn off. You grabbed his shirt, dragging him back towards you. Your mind was still reeling and you weren't exactly sure what was happening, but fuck if you were going to let that be how your first kiss with him ended.

Jin's lips were just as soft and full as you had imagined, and he gave a very satisfying little shiver when you nipped his bottom lip. He brought one hand to thread through your hair, angling your head for better access, and the other to your lower back, bringing you flush against him.

You gave a contented sigh at the way his warm body pressed against yours, and he took the opportunity to trace the sound with his tongue. Not to be outdone, you met it with your own, feeling the blood in your veins simmer more and more with each swipe. Your hands left his shirt to tangle into his hair, pulling him impossibly closer, and the hand on your back began to creep lower.

"And you're sure you don't want the guest room?"

The two of you sprang apart and you stared wide-eyed at his mother. Oh god, she had literally just caught the two of you making out like teenagers.

"Mom, uh -"

"Dinner's ready," she said, cutting off Jin's squeaky attempt at an explanation and looking like she was trying very hard not to laugh. "Jin, I thought we taught you to save dessert for last."

You both spluttered at the innuendo, and she gave you a wink that made your face burn even hotter before prancing - prancing! - away and out of sight, leaving the two of you in utter silence.

"I-" the two of you began at once, then stopped.

"Sorry, go ahead," you both said, again at the same. You finally made eye contact then burst out laughing, and the awkwardness dissipated.

"So… you like me?" His eyes were sparkling and he was wearing a big, goofy smile. He was so fucking pretty.

"I think we established that," you confirmed dryly, also unable to keep the grin off your own face. "I'm assuming you feel the same?"

"Nah," he said nonchalantly, his lips twitching even wider. You scoffed and punched him lightly in the chest, and he grabbed your hand and brushed his lips against your knuckles.

"Of course I do," he said softly, dropping his teasing and gazing at you earnestly. The look in his eyes turned your knees into jelly, and it was all you could do to pull him back down for another kiss.

~~~~~

The dinner went by smoothly despite the earlier… indiscretion. Besides some veiled teasing, Jin's mother thankfully didn't bring up the event. By the end of the night, though, your giddiness had faded into apprehension. It was incredible that Jin appeared to be just as enamored as you were, but it didn't remove the little issue of your still existing feelings for your other friends. His best friends.

You managed to keep your composure through goodbyes with his parents, but when you buckled into the passenger's seat of Jin's car, you felt the full weight of apprehension settle into you. You couldn't do this to him.

Your eyes burned at the thought of throwing away this happiness so quickly, and a sniffle forced its way out of you. Jin immediately took your hand, eyes wide.

"What's wrong?" He asked frantically, his consideration making it even harder for you to maintain your composure.

"I-I have to tell you something," you managed to choke out, and before he could ask what you meant, you let it all spill out. That you didn't just have feelings for him, but every single one of your roommates. You took multiple deep breaths, trying to calm down. God, what must he think of you now?

"Huh, hearing that actually didn't bother me as much as I thought it would."

Your head whipped to look at him, and instead of looking angry or disgusted, he just looked thoughtful. And maybe a little relieved, which made zero sense.

"Uh, what?" The weak question escaped your lips before you could help it, and Jin laughed. The look he gave you was gentle, and his hand moved to stroke your cheek. What the fuck was happening?

"I'm not upset," he assured you, and astoundingly there was complete sincerity in his gaze. "I'm actually fine with it."

"What do you mean?" You asked, and he gave you a reassuring smile.

"I mean, I still want to try this. With you."

This had to be a prank. You half expected one of those douchey prank Youtubers to pop out of the trunk and yell "surprise!" When nothing of the sort occurred, you were forced to accept the fact that this was actually happening. Sensing your confusion, he continued.

"I don't mind if something develops with any of them," he explained. "As long as you're honest with me about it. And considering this conversation right now that's not really something I'm worried about."

You stared at him with your jaw in your lap as you processed this information. Uncertainty flashed across his face at your silence.

"Unless I'm getting ahead of myself? If you don't want - "

"How are you so amazing?" You blurted, cutting him off. His shoulders relaxed and he laughed again.

"I could ask you the same," he responded shamelessly, making your heart pound. Could this really be happening? Was this real life?

"Sooooo?" He looked at you hopefully, and you finally felt a smile take over your face.

"Yes, fucking yes," you breathed, and his grin was everything that was perfect in the world.

"Oh thank God," he sighed, and crashed his lips back down onto yours.

~~~~~

Next | Masterlist

Tags: @singukieee @persphonesorchid @xmochiloverx @taestefully-in-luv @meavie @silscintilla @forpunishers @jnghs

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 305: Worst Intervention Ever

Previously on BnHA: Shinomori, whose name took me an entire week to memorize, was all, “nice to meet you Deku, I’m ten feet tall, do you want to know how I died?” and without waiting for an answer explained that he kicked it from old age at forty thanks to good ol’ OFA. Deku was all “wait a minute, then how come All Might, who’s fifty-five and is definitely dyeing his gray hair, is still alive?” First and Shino were all, “we really have no fucking clue but we think it’s cuz he’s quirkless, JUST LIKE YOU!” So basically, since quirkless people don’t exactly grow on trees these days, Deku is probably going to be the last user of OFA. The chapter ended with Nana being all, “psst, Deku, about my grandson. Uh, can you kill him?” which is sure to lead to a very interesting conversation this week.

Today on BnHA: Nana And The Gang are all “so, Deku, how can we put this delicately. The thing is, we’re pretty sure that AFO really fucked my grandson up, so on the off chance you can’t save him, how would you feel about, you know... [throat slitting gesture].” Deku is all “idk you guys, I kinda feel like he’s really just a traumatized child at heart and he’s in a lot of pain and stuff and so I should try to help him.” The Vestiges are all “BUT WHAT IF YOU CAN’T” and Deku is all “BUT I WANT TO TRY, DAMMIT” and the Vestiges are all “well when you put it that way, we, uh, were just testing you, so congrats, you passed!” The chapter ends with First being all, “ANYWAY SO WHY DON’T YOU TWO SHY BOYS STANDING OVER THERE IN THE SHADOWS COME SAY HELLO” before we CUT AWAY FOR ANOTHER WEEK, goddammit.

seriously, Nana

just... have you met Deku?? look, if you really want Tomura dead, just sic him on the U.A. first years and tell Shouto and Honenuki that it’s a training exercise

oh my god lmao

we’re too far away to see Nana’s face here so I will just assume that she turned and is staring DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA for this one line lmao. “I just wanted to clarify in case anyone felt inclined to take my dialogue out of context and spend an entire week complaining about it”

oh my god?! are you all purposely trying to make me sad??

someone stop me before I launch into an impromptu rant about all my Tomura feels. WHY IS NOBODY STOPPING ME. oh my god but yes, exactly. he’s just in pain all the time. this is exactly why I think Tomura has such high redemption potential even though so far he seems to lack so many of the redemption arc essentials such as feeling remorse, wanting to change, and taking responsibility for his actions. the reason why I’m willing to overlook all that in his case is because Tomura has essentially had zero agency his entire life. AFO molded him into a killer by making sure he was in constant mental agony, and making it so that the only thing that even slightly relieved that agony was killing peeps. like, please don’t think I’m making excuses for him or anything, but if you take a child and manipulate their existence to make it virtually impossible for that child to grow up as anything other than a killer, and basically never give him the chance to be anything else, then no shit he’s gonna be a killer?? he’s basically never had the choice not to be. it’s never been an option for him. anyways I feel like I am EXPLAINING MYSELF SO BADLY but nonetheless I am prepared to die on this hill

anyway so now Nana is all “that’s a rhetorical question btw because Our Hearts And Minds Are One so we can feel everything you feel bro.” so yeah, that’s interesting

now Banjou is getting started on the “let’s try and talk Deku out of wanting to save Tomura because it’s insane” part of their OFA Mystical Space Void Reunion agenda

look, Banjou, I feel you, I really do. you guys don’t think it’s realistic that Deku can defeat Tomura without killing him. so if it’s a choice between killing Tomura vs letting Deku and everyone else in the entire world die, then duh, you think Deku should kill him. I get it! and if this were a real life mass murderer I’d totally agree with you. but the problem is that this isn’t real life, this is a sympathetic shounen villain with a tragic past who might as well have FUTURE REDEMPTION ARC RECEIPIENT stamped on his forehead at this point

so First is all “look, there’s absolutely no doubt my brother has fucked this kid up good and proper by now”, which, again, fair

though, that’s kind of exactly my point though. everything that Tomura is, everything he’s done, he’s done because of AFO. AFO has so effectively shaped his personality and his worldview by this point that it’s all but impossible to penetrate that. he’s AFO’s puppet. but the problem is that rather than treating him like a victim, you all are treating him like a casualty. like he’s already a lost cause. but good luck trying to convince Deku of that

WHOA WHAT, RANDOM SUPER-IMPORTANT AND BIZARRELY UNRELATED EXPOSITION DROPPED IN JUST LIKE THAT??

way to still not reveal Sixth’s name, btw. THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW, DAMMIT. but also so this confirms something we basically already knew already, which is that not even AFO can steal OFA. it literally can’t be taken away by anyone unless the owner wills it. SO SUCK ON THAT AFO YOU EGG

(ETA: so I have no idea why this was omitted from this translation, but apparently the Sixth’s name was revealed as “En”, which is obviously not his full name but at least it’s something. also he most likely has a fire or smoke-related quirk based on the kanji used, 煙.)

so Banjou is saying that Deku’s “lack of an iron will” could be a disadvantage against AFO. hahaha what?? Midoriya “I’ll break all of my bones without blinking an eye just to protect someone” Izuku lacks an iron will? do tell

he says this is going to be a test of Deku’s determination. well yeah, no shit. but just not in the way you guys think

OH HELLO AGAIN

darker hair again here! but I don’t trust the contrast in these scans at all after last week. his coveralls are way darker than they looked before too, and you can clearly see he’s standing in the shadows now

(ETA: yep, once again the raw shows that his hair is considerably lighter than what’s shown in these scans here. although there’s no mistaking now that his hair is consistently being colored in this slightly darker shade, and it’s not just the lighting.)

anyways lol First was saying something about how AFO can’t steal OFA, and they’ve spent all this time cultivating it as the ultimate weapon against AFO, and blah blah blah. go on then, keep lecturing

NANA GODDAMMIT NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

girl what?? you did everything in your power to protect your family, and AFO, fucked up man that he is, targeted them anyway. there is one person and one person only to blame for what’s happened to Tomura, and that potato-faced asshole needs a good kick in the balls

NANA GODDAMMIT DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

SO HELP ME GOD!! I WILL GIVE YOU THE BIGGEST HUG YOU’VE EVER HAD!! THAT IS A THREAT

so now Nana is all “I’m just going to call my grandson a Thing to ensure that fandom has only the freshest, grass-fed no-hormones-added discourse this week”

I don’t even need to drop into the tags to know exactly which specific people are going to respond to this, and what kind of posts they are going to write lmao. everyone’s all caught up in the “that thing”, and meanwhile I’m over here completely hung up on this “nay” that’s appeared out of NOWHERE you guys. look at that. she really said “NAY”

Nana, my love, my dearest, I feel you girl I really do. but he’s not an unforgivable manifestation of pure evil, Deku is exactly right actually, he’s a boy in pain. you guys need to stop questioning Deku’s shounen protagonist instincts here and just let him work his sparkly magic. “let’s try and convince Midoriya Fucking Izuku that he can’t save someone” is a plan that is NEVER going to turn out well you guys

“DEKU GODDAMMIT WHAT IF WE CAN’T SAVE HIM” lmao it’s like an intervention

“DAMMIT DEKU JUST ADMIT YOU HAVE A SAVING PEOPLE PROBLEM!”

RED ALERT IT’S ANOTHER CLOSE-UP OF THE BACK OF MISTER TWO BON CLAY’S HEAD OMG

(ETA: I was too distracted with freaking out about Two and Three to really appreciate how ridiculously handsome First looks in this panel. but on my second readthrough it stood out so much that I had to go back and add an extra bullet point just to talk about how hot he is. look at him. wtf.)

THAT IS DEFINITELY AN UNDERCUT. THE PLOT THICKENSSSS. also those are fucking exhaust vents on Mister Three’s neck. MISTER THREE COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO THE IIDAS, PLEASE TELL ME YOUR SECRETS I’M DYING OVER HERE

so now Deku is launching into what will undoubtedly be a “saving people problems require SAVING PEOPLE SOLUTIONS” heroic counter-speech!

I mean, they can already feel the “lol nah I’m gonna try and save him” feelings running through him lol. ~OuR hEaRtS aNd MiNdS aRe CoNnEcTeD~ and all that. this is just a formality, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love a good shounen protag speech

oh wait hold up, do you mean to tell me that the whole “hearts and minds are connected” thing I was just mocking just a paragraph ago actually allowed Deku to feel what Tomura was feeling?? like literally feel it??

YET AGAIN these Tomura feels are pounding on my front door you guys?? they just will not quit?? people my house is already full of feels, does it look like I need you to sell me any more of them?? -- what do you mean, they’re free??

AW YISS THAT’S IT DEKU. THAT’S SOME GOOD SPEECH RIGHT THERE

I appreciate the contrast here between the Douchebag Triumvirate of Overhaul, Muscular, and Stain versus the Misguided Twosome of Gentle and La Brava. never let it be said that Deku doesn’t know the difference between a redeemable villain and an unredeemable one

OH NO -- OH MY GOD

someone please help me I need directions to the OFA Spooky Galactic Nebula Realm in this fictional Japanese manga land. it’s not on google maps. I need to give these two babies a big hug and wrap them up in a blanket and treat them to some McDonalds Happy Meals please help

other things: (1) ENDEAVOR CHILLING OUT IN DEKU’S “PEOPLE I HOLD DEAR” PANEL LMAO NEON DISCOURSE EXTRAVAGANZA, (2) “ONE FOR ALL IS A POWER TO SAVE, NOT TO KILL” I’M ABOUT TO CRY DEKU I LOVE YOU SO MUCH HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO FEEL ALL THIS LOVE, (3) [SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE] THERE’S YOUR MOTHERFUCKING IRON WILL!!!!!!!! -- I’m sorry, please don’t call security, I’ll be good

I just randomly remembered that Deku is still saying all of this in his muffled “FMMPHHMMPHMM” voice and I’m somehow cracking up lol. so actually it’s a very good thing Their Hearts And Minds Are Connected, otherwise they’d no doubt be all, “...what?”

(ETA: so I completely missed this on account of it literally not being visible in the scan at all, but in the raw you can clearly see Baby Kacchan and Baby Shouto fanboying over All Might in two of these panels, and excuse me, ma’am??

thank you very much Deku for including them in your montage, particularly since you’ve never seen Baby Shouto before lol. amazingly accurate image you managed to conjure up, all things considered.)

SDKFJLSKHG -- AS IF ON CUE???

HE’S SO ADORABLE HELP?? Trippy Space All Might looks like he’s about to cry, and First is all “don’t crack a smile... you have to be Firm and Serious here... dammit, don’t smile” omg

anyways! YOU GO DEKU. “MY QUIRK MY RULES, BITCHES” damn, son

KLJLKKHLG TRIPPY SPACE ALL MIGHT LITERALLY ACTUALLY IS CRYING ALL MIGHT HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

“I JUST... [CLENCHES FIST] REALLY LOVE SAVING PEOPLE” FUCKING HELL LMAO THIS IS THE WORST INTERVENTION OF ALL TIME

Deku is literally all “sure, maybe I’ll have to kill him, but have you guys also considered, MAYBE NOT??” it’s no use Nana he’s too powerful

LMAO FIRST

“like I’ve been saying this whole time, you should definitely try saving Shigaraki Tomura.” “but, uh... First, didn’t you just -- ” “shut up”

(ETA: clearly it’s not just his brother who inherited those smooth-talking genes.)

so now Deku has turned back into a sixteen year old and his clothes have gone missing again. just OFA things

dskljdlsklgk

yes... sure... “testing” you...

HEY

FIRST OF ALL, DAMN YOU HORIKOSHI YOU MADE NANA CRY. even if I’m pretty sure they’re actually tears of happiness/relief. and SECOND OF ALL, “TELL MY BOYFRIEND I SAID HI” DJSKDLKJJL ANYWAY MAYBE GRAN, NANA, AND MR. SHIMURA WERE IN A THROUPLE

[SCREAMS]

WHY WOULD YOU END IT THERE?? WHY WOULD YOU END IT THERE!!!!!

(ETA: and two-to-one odds that we cut away to some other scene once they finally start to turn around next week. I’M CALLING IT NOW. giving myself a week to brace myself for the rage.)

fucking hell. well if anyone needs me I will be adding Horikoshi fucking Kouhei to the list of irredeemable villains, peace

[kayzume]

Paring: Atsumu x f!Reader

Genre: Fluff, Crack

wc: 1039

Beta: @muffinmots @deathcab4daddy kith

Note: Soft Atsumu to thank you all 118 babies, who actually find my stuff amusing...i love you all😘

Back to Masterlist

“Wtf Miya” Omi screeched giving Atsumu the nastiest glare he can muster.

(Earlier)

“It’s just the team and the staff today, spud” you looked at Atsumu weird.

“Who are you calling spud?? What am I a potato?!?” your raised voice echoing through the halls. He smiles at you sheepishly and gives you a chaste kiss to calm you down, which unsurprisingly worked.

“Let’s just get in potato wife, everyone’s waiting” he cheekily told you with his annoying teasing tone.

“I’m fine with spud, don’t call me potato wife” glaring at his now laughing figure.

You both get inside the main gym area where everyone, well—the athletes— were training and stretching. The staff was either running around to get stuff done or watching the boys for any potential problems. Be it something that they need to do or something that they’ve already done, that is now causing a problem. Just like when Bokuto and Hinata kept bouncing on some volleyballs that they actually popped.

”Your himbo friends popped the volleyball” you tugged on Atsumu while pointing at Bokuto and Hinata who were now getting scolded by the Meian.

“I bet if I wasn’t here with you and you arrived early you’d be the third himbo getting scolded right now,” you said, trying your best to suppress the chuckles that want to rumble out of your throat. Atsumu slapped your arm lightly.

“I’m not a himbo!” He whispered pouting,

“But you are” you finally chuckled looking at his dumb expression. Feeling a bit bad you kissed his cheek and asked him to help you settle down.

You watched Atsumu make his way to the team to greet them. He was chatting them up when he suddenly pointed at you. The coaches and managers nodded their heads to whatever he was saying. After a couple of hours you start to feel restless and bored out of your mind. The managers announced that the team will have their lunch in 5 minutes. Atsumu jogged up to where you were sitting.

“You’re bored,” he flatly announced once he was in front of you.

“What makes you think that?” you quirked up an eyebrow. Not that he was wrong, you just want to know how he came to such a conclusion.

“You’ve been fidgeting in your seat for at least an hour now. You looked like you needed to pee or something. Your face was scrunched up like this spud” he said, making up the ugliest face you have ever seen.

“Eww, what kind of face is that?” you fake gagged. Him making you laugh made you feel a little bit better, but you didn’t think it was enough. And to satiate your hunger for some entertainment you asked him scoot down so you can tell him something fun

“What?! baby spud wha—“ you cut him off on his overreaction on your little request.

“Oh come on ‘Tsumu, it’ll be funny.” You poked him snickering.

“Funny for you, take a good look at him. He’ll murder me before I can even come close!!” He replied, waving his hands in exaggeration.

“Please?” you asked him, pouting. He suddenly raised his voice that it startled you. Sniff sniff. He looked at your now crouching body, your lips pouty and quivering. Atsumu knew that you were about to cry, damn pregnant hormones.

“Alright, alright hush now...I’ll do your little show” Atsumu gulped thickly. However weird and disgusting this is, he’d rather do it than see you cry. He slowly made his way in front of Sakusa praying to all the gods up there to guide him to whatever stupidity his wife asked him to do this time. Normally he wouldn’t care much and just do whatever she asked, but those only include him and not other people, especially Sakusa who...hates being touched.

“I’m so sorry for this Omi-kun” he looked at him with his most sincere apologetic expression.

“For what?” Sakusa asked, worry and confusion mixing in his beautiful face.

Atsumu quickly pulled Sakusa’s face mask and gave him a quick smooch on the lips. Everyone was shocked still. Hinata’s lunch fell on the floor and Bokuto’s mouth was hanging wide open, everyone else stared at the two waiting for what Sakusa will do.

Sakusa paled unbelievably white, when his senses came back to him he hastily wiped his lips clean of Atsumu’s germs. Sakusa lunged forward to smack Atsumu to which the latter evaded and ran to you in record speed. He looked at you with pleading eyes.

“Help me, spud.” He looks so terrified of an incoming Sakusa Kiyoomi who was fuming in anger. His face was scrunched up in utter annoyance and disgust.

“Wtf Miya, what is wrong with you?!” Omi screeched giving Atsumu the nastiest glare he can muster.

You were standing in between your scared husband who was hiding behind you and an infuriated Omi. You couldn’t help but let out a hearty laugh and that seemed to get everyone’s attention.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry it’s all my bad,” you said continuously chuckling. “I asked Atsumu to give Sakusa-san a peck, I didn’t think he’d give him one on the lips”

Sakusa gave you a confused look.“Why would you ask him to do something so disgusting?” he asked you,

“For entertainment of course,” you answered in a matter-of-fact tone. Sakusa sighed in defeat, reminding you to never involve him in anything as stupid as that ever again.

“Do that to anyone else, but not me. I’ll forgive you this once since you’re heavily pregnant...and congrats on the baby”

“Thank you Sakusa-san.” You both shared a smile that Atsumu noticed. He cleared his throat rather loudly. By this time the team continued on eating their lunch, snickers here and there about your little show.

“Don’t smile at him like that, I’m right here ya know.” He pouted at you.

“Yeah yeah, stop being jealous you big baby” You gave him a sweet kiss, “Atsumu, thank you for doing all of my shit shows..you’re the best! I love you.” You told him caressing his face. He held your face and kissed your cheeks, your forehead, and finally your lips. He gave you the sweetest smile, chanting,

“I love you too.”

General Taglist: (send ask to be added thank u:>)

@aruhappy @kitayawa

[wishtheywerereal]

Henry’s medical problem becomes a blessing.

Henry is a young adult at only 25 years old. Henry was never a very handsome guy; he was overweight throughout his life and was never ashamed of his body size. If any, he was happy with his lifestyle. If there was just one small problem, it was his men breasts – Gynecomastia. Henry is gay and the many guys he met; usually comment that he should see a doctor about his men breasts. Though Henry liked having his nipples stimulated and played with during sex as they were very sensitive, he always felt insecure as people mocked about his breasts. After thinking about it for years, he decided it’s time he approached a doctor. Not to have it reduced but to find out what was causing it, his weight or hormones or both?

He spent a few hours researching a few clinics and books one that is further away from his area. He didn’t want his family to know he was seeing a doctor for this.  

The day comes and Henry sits down on his couch, contemplating if he wants to go for the appointment or if he should avoid all this confusion. In the end he convinces himself to go. Henry had booked the last available appointment slot as he knew he wanted to avoid waiting time. He books his Gojek ride and waits for it to arrive. After waiting for 10 minutes he receives a notification in his phone “Ride cancelled”.

H: WTF!!! Now I have to wait again! I’m going to be late!!

He makes another booking and gets a ride. The driver arrives after 7 minutes and Henry starts on his journey to the clinic. Henry was already nervous about the appointment and now he was going to be late. To make things worse, he gets a driver who decides to comment on the very topic Henry hates.

Driver: Wah boy, you should exercise. See uncle so slim.

H: Oh.

Driver: don’t take it personal ah, your neh neh so big leh. Later no girl want to marry because your neh neh bigger than theirs. (bursts in to laughter)

H: Excuse me, can you just drive. I didn’t ask for your comments.

The rest of the ride goes by in an awkward silence. Upon reaching the clinic, Henry rushes in and realise the clinic was about to close.

H: I’m sorry; I had an appointment at 8.45pm. Sorry I am late. Can I still see the doctor?

Recep: Sir, I need to check with the doctor, you were the last patient thus when you didn’t arrive the doctor decided to close early. Let me check.

H: (can things get worse in any way for me)

Recep: Sir the doctor will see you however he has asked for his staff to leave, thus we will inform about follow ups or medications tomorrow, is that okay?

H: Ya sure. I just need the advice first so I’m ok with that.

Recep: In that case, please proceed to room 2. Goodnight sir.

Henry thanks the receptionist and walks over to the door. “Dr Rickash” reads the label on the door. Henry takes a deep breath and knocks the door before he opens the door and walks in.

R: Hello. Good evening.

Henry gets stunned from seeing a hot young man seated in the chair, looking dashing. Muscles pushing against his tight formal shirt.

R: All okay?

H: Oh sorry Dr. Sorry I am late.

R: No problem at all. Please have a seat.

Henry sits down and tries to stop oogling at the hot Dr.

R: So tell me, what brings you here, from your email I can see it’s something to do about your Gynecomastia.

H:  My what?

R: Gynecomastia, it’s the medical term for male breast enlargement. Tell me, I am sure this has been going on for a while, why do you seek medical help now?

H: I am actually ok and happy about them. Yet, you know, I feel insecure. When I go out or even at work, people mock me and some of my friends even like to try to pinch them. It’s annoying and at times depressing. I just need to know why this happens.

R: okay, firstly it couldn’t be hormonal imbalance or just body fats causing this issue. I will have to take a look before I can go on further. Let’s take down some details first then we will proceed from there.

Rickash starts noting down some details of Henry. Throughout the whole time, Henry was feeling nervous and extremely shy about having to let Rickash see them. This is why he was contemplating coming down for the appointment

R: Okay, can you please remove your shirt; I would like to do a physical check.

H: Is it really necessary Dr? I am extremely shy. I can just show you pictures?

R: (laughs) Mr Henry, relax. I am just a Dr. I have to feel them and take down some measurements as well. It’s crucial.

H: But I mean, I can measure them for you?

R: It’s ok. I won’t mock or laugh at you, relax sir.

H: Ugh, sigh. How do I? What if your nurses come in?

R: Okay, why don’t you head over to the examining table, sit down. Close the curtain and remove your shirt. My nurses have already left for the day, but I will lock the door for you. Just remove your shirt and sit down in there for a while, it may help.

H: okay. I will try.

Henry walks over to the examining area and closes the curtain. He sits down and unbuttons the first few buttons. Feeling scared he doesn’t want to remove his shirt. On the other side of the curtain, he could hear the door lock clicking.

R: Doors are locked. Can I come in for the check?

H: Erm, I am not ready yet.

R: Okay hold on for a second. Will it help if you close your eyes? Or cover them? At least you won’t feel like you are in a different place?

H: Maybe?

Rickash walks in and asks if Henry has anything to cover his eyes with but Henry doesn’t have any. Rickash removes his tie from his neck and hands it over to Henry.

R: Here, use this.

H: Dr you don’t have to.

R: It’s ok. It’s just a tie.

Henry uses the tie to blindfold himself and Rick then teases him by asking to shout out how many fingers he is holding out.

R: Just kidding. Okay, I am going to help you remove your shirt okay.

H: erm, okay.  

Henry starts breathing heavily as he feels Rickash remove his shirt.

R: See, that wasn’t so hard. Alright, now, yep your development here looks pretty severe.

H: What do you mean?

R: Well a normal male nipple is usually flat and popping out while those with Gynecomastia have more puffy nipples and chest. Yours look rounded and looks puffy.

H: oh okay. Can I wear my shirt now?

R: Relax Mr Henry, I am just beginning.

For some reason, Rickash was starting to feel a little horny from seeing this innocent young man sitting blindfolded and with such sexy big breasts. His dick starts to harden in his tight business pants.

R: (Damn, It’s Friday night and I am stuck here with this guy, well he is actually quite sexy)

Rickash decides to have some fun while Henry is blindfolded. After all, no one else is in the clinic anyways.

R: Okay, I am going to feel them now. Just relax. I need you to tell me if you feel sensitive.

H: Actually their very sensitive. Like very very.

R: Okay. Here I go. (Rickash giggles)

Rickash extends his right hand and reach out to touch Henry’s right breasts. Pressing and squeezing the puffy breast.

H: (starts breathing heavily) Dr, it’s very sensitive. (Henry is trying his best to swallow his soft moans)

Rickash continues and uses his left hand to grab Henry’s left breast and starts feeling and massaging both breasts.

Henry can feel his dick hardening in his berms and closes his legs to avoid a bulge.

H: Dr, how long does this have to go on? It’s very sensitive.

R: Alright, so they feel very puffy, I don’t feel any lumps or anything that concerns me.

Rickash continues explaining as he rubs his crotch. He stops massaging the breasts and walks over to get some stuff.

R: Alright, I need to feel your nipples, maybe pinch them a little to feel for lumps too. Same thing, tell me if its stirs anything.

Before Henry could react he feels both his nipples being pinched and tugged. He soft moan escapes from his mouth as he tries to warn Rickash.

H: (uhm) Dr, sorry, erm, they are super sensitive.

Rickash smirks as he knows this is slowly turning Henry on. He proceeds to feel and pinch for a few minutes and let’s go of the nipples. Henry could already feel the pre cum leaking out and wetting his underwear. Hoping it won’t wet his berms. Rickash on the other hand was finding it hard to contain his dick. It was getting uncomfortable.

R: I am going to take down some measurements as I am already planning a treatment plan for you. Following that I will apply some gel on your breasts to do some scans. It will be a quick one.

Henry: okay Dr.

Rickash proceeds to take a few measurements, using this as an opportunity to rub his crotch on Henry’s knee, pinching his nipples and occasionally even smelling his nipples.

R: Sorry I had to get so close; my measuring tape is wearing off so I couldn’t see the numbers. Anyways, I’ve got all the numbers. Now moving on to the scan. Can you lie on your back please?

H: Dr, I think we can skip the scan?

R: It’s part of the package you booked, it will take a few minutes only. Don’t worry. We’re almost done here.

Henry lies on his back, using he hand to cover his crotch and Rickash knows exactly why Henry is covering his crotch. He then thinks of something he has never done before.

R: I have some bad news, erm, the gel can get quite slimy, I don’t wish to stain your berms. Do you want to remove them?

H: What? You’re just scanning my top right?

R: Yes, but the scanning gel can leak down. It has happen before.

H: Huh, but…

R: Relax, just imagine you are at home. Keep your eyes close. 10 minutes and this will be over.

H: Okay Dr. Please make it quick.

Henry proceeds to undo his berms and Rickash offers to pull it down for Henry. Rickash can’t fail to notice Henry’s bulge in his striking red undies.

H: Sorry Dr, I did tell you it’s sensitive.

R: It’s okay. Nothing new. I am a guy too.

Rickash moves the table up above his waist and excuses himself to prepare the scan machine. He pulls the machine near him. He then quietly undoes his own pants and pulls down his underwear. His 7 inch, rock hard dick pops up. Rickash gives the gel bottle a hard shake while stroking his dick with his other hand. He then squirts some of the gel onto his dick and starts stroking himself slowly. He then puts the bottle down and heads over to Henry.

R: Okay Mr Henry, I didn’t put the gel directly on you as it’s cold and will further stimulate your chest. It might hinder the scan. I have applied plenty of gel on the probe and its nice and warm for you. Now have you ever had a scan done?

H: No.

R: Well okay, this probe is slightly different. It has a thin soft probe built to be gentle on skin and chest muscles. It might feel different but don’t worry. It will feel erm almost like a human finger or sometimes even like a tongue, squishy. So don’t worry okay?

H: Oh, okay.

R: Okay I am going to start.

Rickash bends over the table and slowly places his tongue on Henry’s left nipple, slowly circling it and licking it slowly.

H: You’re right; it feels quite real and soft.

R: Yes, many of my patients say that too.

Rickash continues to lick and tease Henry’s nipple, switching between the left and right nipple as he strokes his dick slowly. After a few minutes of doing this he then takes the real scan probe and scans some shots into his system.

R: okay, now I am going to change probe. This will have suction cups that will suck on to your chest to send waves into your chest to take readings for me. So just be prepared.

Henry nods his head. His underwear was getting stained and wet from all that teasing and “scanning”.

R: Erm your hand is getting in the way, please keep both hands at your side. Its okay, you don’t have to cover your crotch. We’re both guys here. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

Henry hesitates but he knows if he wants to get the scan done quickly he needs to cooperate.

H: Okay Dr.

Henry moves his hands to the side, revealing his wet bulge to Rickash. Rickash giggles to himself as he goes closer to smell the pre cum.

R: Alright, first suction starts now.

Rickash bends over and places he mouth around Henry’s left breast and starts sucking it, gently using his tongue to lick the nipple while sucking it.

H: Dr whats that? Something is moving inside.

R: It’s the probe, it moves muscles and fats aside to send waves deeper.

Rickash explains before getting back to sucking the nipple. He then switches to the right side and starts sucking. Henry starts to let out soft moans and clenches onto the beds to try and avoid moaning out loud. Rickash notices that Henry’s dick is throbbing under the underwear. He knows there is no turning back for Henry. He pushes the scanner away and starts licking and sucking on the breasts. His own dick starts leak precum. Henry’s moans were starting to get louder and louder.

Rickash decides to take a huge risk; he places his hand over Henry’s bulge. Henry’s bulge was a few centimetres away from his rich. He decides to just go for it and grabs the band of Henry’s underwear and pull it off to reveal a 5 inch uncut dick with precum pouring out of it.

Henry is shocked by that and removes his blindfold. He gets shocked to see Rickash sucking on his breasts.

H: Dr!

R: There is nothing wrong with these beautiful breasts of yours. I will discharge you Mr Henry, after we are done here.

Rickash gets back onto sucking and licking the breasts and uses his right hand to grab Henry’s dick and starts stroking it. Henry is stunned but he is quickly overwhelmed by pleasure. He looks down to his right and notices Rickash’s pants and underwear lying on the floor and right next to that, he notices Rickash stroking his hard 7 inch. Rickash is astounded by the sight of such a big and thick dick.

H: Dr, you’re huge.

R: Call me Rick, Henry.

H: Rick, you sure about this.

R: God damn I am!

Rickash exclaims as he comes up to kiss Henry in his lips. The men start making out, stroking each other off. Rickash then climbs onto the table, places his dick over Henry’s mouth as he starts sucking Henry’s dick. Henry quickly gulps Rickash’s dick and both men start sucking each other off.

Rickash then yanks Henry’s underwear off and starts applying gel onto Henry’s hole before fingering him. Both men start moaning loud without worrying if anyone was outside. Luckily for them, they had an empty clinic.

Rickash then gets down from the table and gets Henry to bend over the table and starts fucking him raw. Henry was ok with letting this hot young doctor fuck and breed him raw. Rickash wasn’t into slow and passionate. He went hard and rough, making the whole table shake. Without minutes of fucking, Rickash shoots his load into Henry’s hole, filling it up with a warm load.

He then turns Henry around and starts sucking his dick till Henry shoot a load into his mouth which Rickash then swallows happily. Both men start making out on Henry’s office table before heading to the clinic toilet to clean up.

R: Well Henry, your diagnostics: Beautiful, sexy tits that need no treatment. I am discharging you as a patient but would like to add you to my personal contact. Dinner with me tonight?

H: Sure Dr Rick.

The night was still young for the two horny young men. Henry realised that his Gynecomastia was not a problem, but a blessing in disguise. He has met such a dashing date and their relationship was just going to get better.

 Don’t look down on yourself. You are beautiful the way you are.

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[gwynniepoo]

I’m going to preface this post with an important statement. I ADORE my daughter, I would lie, cheat, steal and/or kill for that girl. I never EVER regret having her and I’d go through the nightmare again to have her here. She was 100% worth it. I’m merely writing my experience (and it SUCKED) all while realizing the experience has made me who I am today, and I like who I am. Ok, rant over.

2001

This was the year I decided to get pregnant cause you know there was no reason to think I couldn’t. Both of my sisters were champion breeders, I was a legacy! My husband and I had been together many years and had been married about 2 years. The baby hormones hit me like a Mac truck and I was ready to be a mom. You know who wasn’t ready? My stupid body.

I had periods so heavy that I was LOSING BLODD VOLUME. Doctors repeatedly asked me if I had suffered an traumatic injury recently. There were vegetables that had more iron than I had, I was so anemic , I had to give myself B12 shots and take supplements that tasted like metallic butt. It was awful.

After a few months, my OBGYN sent me to a fertility specialist to try and figure out why I wasnt getting pregnant My husband passed his “test” with flying colors. He had more sperm than they had ever seen, he could have knocked up a Walmart in one go. It was me, I was the problem. After a million blood tests and countless ultrasounds, I was told I was a candidate for fertility treatment. My stupid ass didn’t even think to ask if it was safe, I was just determined to get pregnant no matter what.

All the drugs (usually shots) were prescribed. I felt like a bloated pincushion that wanted a baby but felt too gross to actually have sex. Every month there was a series of shots in my butt or stomach that got my ovaries to produce shit tons of eggs. Thie series then culminated into one shot that made me ovulate, and I felt EVERY ONE of those eggs leave my ovaries like some kind of fucked up firework. Then I’d have to go into the office to have a doctor inject previously collected sperm into my hoo-haw. Then the Dickhead would smugly suggest that my husband and I “go home and have sex so we wouldn’t know for sure how it happened”. My poor husband’s member had been traumatized by having to “perform solo” under pressure in a fucking doctors office (where EVERY nurse seemed to be hugely pregnant BTW) and I was a bloated, grumpy grub covered in hormonal acne. Let’s just say we did what we had to but fuck that guy. Month after month I pumped myself full of hormones, creating hundreds of eggs. It only occurred to me years later that I could have been “Octomom” (but without the weird lips and shitty parenting skills, I mean I’m not perfect but WTF is her deal? ).

I had two six week miscarriages. 2 failures with no real explanation. The doctor decided to dig deeper, to look for congenttal damage, etc. they found out that I had something in my blood called an “anti-nuclear antibody” and that usually meant that I had an autoimmune issue but 🤷🏼‍♀️ lets keep trying! Now, here’s where I talk about what a true IDIOT I was back then. I didn’t question any of my doctors. I took the drugs without researching what they did. I dragged my husband behind me without asking him if he was uncomfortable. I was completely and stubbornly determined to FORCE my body to make a baby. I didn’t even consider the damage I could have done to my daughter. What an absolute fucking asshole.

At this point I was working at a local bead store. I literally spent my paycheck on supplies and taught myself everything I could think of on all the books in the shop. I was taking evening silversmithing classes too. I honestly believe I would have just gone south with the distraction and I’m positive that getting me out of the house was a relief to my husband! I had no idea that I had an anvil ty disorder until the hormones I was taking sent me into an OCD fog. The doctors told me it was normal, so I didn’t get meds for it until much later. I set up a little studio in my basement and holed up there making ANYTHING that would distract me from the rage and sorrow I was feeling at my own stupid useless body that couldn’t do what it seemed every other woman’s could. Seriously, EVERY woman I saw was pregnant, I wanted to punch them in the throat.

[kurlykookster]

Forbidden Fruit: Part 19

Pairing- Yoongi x reader (ft all of BTS and some of Got7)

Type- Mystery, supernatural and angst here and there and i guess some fluff

Warnings- Swearing n’ stuff + violence and blood

Word count- 1,623 

A/N- hmmmmm idk if i like this part.... it feels a little off to me, but then again everything i write does... but i guess you guys can be the judge of that.

I’ve been really sensitive today wtf. like we didnt have a particular kind of butter and i almost started crying. ebay wasnt working and i almost started crying. i thought about school and i almost star...I cried a little. I’ve been really emotional lately and idk why lmao. Is it teenager hormones?

| Part 18 | Part 19 | Masterlist |

It was a nice day surprisingly, shame you weren’t allowed to leave the building for your own safety. In any other circumstances you would’ve explored half the giant city instead, because why would you want to waste your time in a new place, hauled up in an apartment with seven other guys (not that they were a problem, it’s just that sometimes seven guys is too many). It seemed that life wasn’t following your script, but then again, has it ever?

During your long stay, you’d discovered that the comfiest place to waste away was the left corner of the living room couch, which was much better than the window ledge that took away the feeling from your ass. It was weird to think that one side of the couch was comfier than the other.

The TV drooled on about some show that you couldn’t care less about, there was nothing good on. You rested your chin in the palm of your hand as your eyes glazed over and your mind blanked out. Someone cleared their throat and you snapped out of your trance.

“That’s my side of the couch.” You looked up at the voice in confusion.

Oh, it’s just Jimin. “Well I don’t see your name on it.” You replied lazily, taking your attention back to the TV that didn’t deserve your attention.

“Do you want me to start labelling all the things in the house?” he groaned sarcastically.

“No, not really, unless you really want to.”

“I don’t, so can you budge up from my space now? I’ve earned my right to own that spot after all the rock-paper-scissors rounds I had to win to get it. So unless you want to challenge me, please move.” He crossed his arms as a form of intimidation.

“You’re on.” His intimidation wasn’t working and you accepted his challenge. Confidently you got up from the couch and mockingly dusted your hands off and warmed them up. You bent your knees slightly, stuck your dominant fist out and rested the other on your knee, the perfect battle stance. Your eyes locked on his with a dominating glare, you could see how taken aback he was. A smirk crept onto your face as you expectantly waited for him to begin.

“Well? Aren’t you gonna start? Or are you too worried about your couch title being lost?” there was no way you were going to lose to him, he set himself up and you would make him fall. He silently and cautiously got into position; sweat was already forming on his brow. He tried to play it off with a confident smile, but the act wasn’t working.

“I’m not losing this spot Y/n.”

“We’ll see about that. Best out of five wins”

He took a few deep breaths and nodded; you both knew that in order to win, concentration was key.

“Rock-Paper-Scissors!” and the first round had begun. Both fists flew down at lightning speed, fingers moving into position without a stutter, however at the last millisecond you could see the hesitation and regret wash over Jimin’s face. This wasn’t a good start for him. You picked rock while he picked scissors, that’s one point to you, unfortunately this was just the first round, there were four more to go and anything could happen…

3 minutes later ~

“No…” Jimin collapsed onto his knees and dropped his head into his hands. You had won.  The moment was only fuelled more when multiple slow claps from behind you slowly grew into quicker ones. You both looked in the direction they came from. Jhope, Jin, Taehyung and Jungkook were huddled together, all clapping in awe with amazed smiles on their faces.

“Woooaaaah~ you beat him!” Jhope exclaimed enthusiastically with a glorious gaping smile on his face.

“You did it so quickly too! How did you do it?” Jungkook piqued excitedly.

“It’s all about technique.” You replied while smiling and dropping yourself down onto your new rightful throne. As you looked back towards Jimin, he was still in the same position on the ground. A closer look and tears could be seen blurring his eyes and one had already made it down his face and onto his chin. He looked dead inside like his only reason to live had been ripped away from him. “Jimin… Look, if you really want this space you can have it, I don’t mind that much. I don’t even live here technically.” You began to lift yourself up.

He got up as well. “No. It’s fine. You earned it fairly. I have been defeated. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my room contemplating the meaning of life and definitely not crying.” And with that he left.

“Don’t worry Y/n; he’ll get over it quickly. He’s just upset that he lost.” Jin patted you on the back and sighed. “Oh yeah, Yoongi told me to do a quick check up on you to see if you’re ok, so do you mind if we quickly go into my office and look things over?” He beamed at you and you nodded back as confirmation.

Once you were sat in one of his chairs comfortably, he didn’t waste time and went straight to the point.

“So how has your shoulder been? I haven’t had the chance to ask earlier. Have you been using my ointment like I said?”

“Oh right! I completely forgot about my shoulder… but that’s just cause it healed really quickly. After a few days, most of the bruising and aching was gone and it’s completely cleared up now. It’s really weird though, I’ve never healed this fast before.”

“That’s really good to hear then. Even your cuts seem to be practically gone.” He looked you over and nodded “The fast healing’s probably because of your horns I’m guessing. Yoongi’s horns do the same thing and that’s why he had to take his ring off to help with the stab wound… I’m also guessing it was a bit of a shock for you to suddenly find someone like you.” a breathy laugh escaped his lungs as he finished speaking.

“I guess you could say that.” You smiled down at your hands.

“Have you been feeling ok lately? No weird reactions or symptoms?” he enquired.

“Uhhh…No? I don’t think so. Wait, is there something wrong?” you scrunched your brows.

“Well I’m just checking, because like I think I mentioned before, those enchanted objects can cause some weird reactions. Mainly stuff like hallucinations and disorientation…”

“Hallucinations? Hmm. Well I don’t know if this counts, but… a few nights into my stay I had a dream about… well it doesn’t matter, but anyway, after the dream I swore I saw my dead brother, but I could’ve just been dreaming. I don’t really know…”

“Your dead brother? Have you seen anything weird since?” he worriedly asked you.

“I don’t think so… but the hallucination, if it even was one, felt so… real– like he was actually there, but at the same time not there… if that even makes sense.”

“I heard that grief can cause things like that to occur.”   He began comforting you by rubbing your shoulder; you could see how worried he seemed to be.

“But he died 7 years ago! How could it be because of grief? I came to terms with his death… recently.” You burst out emotionally.

“How recent is ‘recently’?” he carefully pried.

You deflated, your brain frantically searching for an answer “It was... it– I… don’t know?” you whispered confusedly. No matter how hard you tried, your mind couldn’t find the answer. How could you not know? You’d know these kinds of things. “That can’t be right?” you whispered to yourself as you blanked out. There was no way you wouldn’t have noticed such a huge turning point in your life. “Is there something wrong with me?” you asked with a quiet broken voice. You felt so lost and confused.

“I’m not really sure Y/n… maybe it was just a dream like you suggested. Can you think of any reason as to why you can’t remember when you stopped grieving over his death? When’s the most recent memory of a time when you really missed him?”

“I always miss him Jin…” you voice cracked. “You can’t just stop missing someone just cause you’re over their death.” Your eyes teared up a little and you felt so vulnerable. You were confused, distressed and most of all heartbroken. Jin brought your head to his shoulder and gently held you, comforting you like a parent. A few sobs came from you as you accidently let some escape. He softly stroked your head and patiently waited for you to calm down.

“The…The last time I remember was a week or something before I came here, when I was looking at old family photos…” you took a deep breath “-but anything between then and now is just– blank.” You sat yourself back up as you wiped away at some tears. “But there’s no way I could’ve stopped grieving between that short amount of time, right?” you said shakily.

“Unfortunately I don’t know the answers to these things Y/n…” he sighed unsurely and pulled his lips into a straight line as he looked into the distance deep in thought.

“That’s fine…” you replied dejectedly “I think I’m gonna go and try to sleep things off with a nap.” You slid off your chair and headed for the door languidly. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yeah, we can talk later. Get some rest.” He waved you off and smiled reassuringly at you as you closed the door behind you and trudged your way to an ideal quiet area to sleep and not think about things for a while.

A/n- I accidentally made this part kinda sad....oops? and idk what most of this is...i just kinda went with the flow and wrote what came to mind...

[mysecondcarisa67chevyimpala]

Mmm thank you!! Apperently anti psychotics are like the only medicine that really works for ticcing, and even then they do barely... But with where my brain is at the moment(multiple disorders diagnosed probably some not diagnosed yet, chronic pain issues that are undiagnosed cause no one can tell wtf they are, etc.) I just am worried cause a major side affect is being tired and I'm chronically fatigued and depressed and my anti depressents barely work so??? I??? Sjsnsnan- friend nonnie 1/2

(Drug talk) Yeah I understand being worried about new medicine (especially antipsychotics) I take five medicines a day (if you count my allergy pill so I don’t have to use my inhaler and six if I take my anxiety pill that day, it’s a as needed once per day pill since my doctor didn’t want to give me anxiety meds yet (even though I need them) but my therapist said I should for now because of my mom making go on a boat a few weeks ago (I think once we talk about it again I’m going on a different one that’s not as needed and I take everyday like my others)) every time I feel terrible and my mouth dries up and peels (it’s gross) so I feel like it won’t work but then it stops and I feel better but i haven’t had to switch any recently (it happened when I started my bipolar medicine, got worse when I got back on adhd medicine and again with sleep medicine, and had happened when I first took adhd medicine as a kid). I was worried about side effect for my medicine but I knew that if I didn’t what I have now wasn’t going to change so I took a chance (knowing I could call my doctor and tell her something was wrong, go see the other doctor (who gives me monthly med checks) that my meds weren’t working, or talk to my therapist to see if it’s temporary thing she sees in mulptiple patients or if it’s something I need to fix now). I took adderall for adhd when I was a kid but (because of me and my aggressiveness plus bipolar that we haven’t even thought of yet) I was extremely aggressive, easily aggravated, and violent, we then changed what kind I took and I got better. I have problems with ticcing too it happens in my neck and my arms, it affects my spine and back and I’m hoping my therapist will talk to me about it because I’ve heard if it affects your neck it can hurt your spine later in life. I told her about it but she asked if it happened when I got nervous and I said yeah while I was explaining it and she said it was my anvietly without listening to me (it happens with Tourette’s too with anxiety being able to trigger it sometimes, I was asking we if we could talk about it like I did with me having a personality disorder and she said I’m not old enough (you have to be mid twenties to get diagnosed at least with her you do) to have one (for sure might be what she said) or at least be diagnosed, which means I have to wait for years to be able to get diagnosed with something I might have now because it might be me having “regular teenage/young adult hormones” and that’s why I immediately obsess over someone and either hate them or love them including teachers which is bad!) She marked Tourette’s off without a second though so I’m kinda nervous about asking her about other things right now. I also have wrong shaped legs (idk how to word it) I don’t know if I officially have “knock knees” but my legs go “straight” until my knees meet and then go out so my ankles can’t tough at all like hurts to put them together, and it makes my knees hurt bad and I can’t walk sometimes and it’s always the same spot and my doctors have never said anything about it so my mom says I’m faking it but like it hurts a lot along with my ankles hurting since I can’t stand on them straight a lot and half to stand on the sides of my ankles (which hurt when I try to straighten them and walk after standing like that for a while) so I get the pain part not being able to be helped too.

With you being scared about your medicine making you tired and depressed the best advice I can give you is to try it. I know it’s going to suck (hopefully it won’t but it might) but if this medicine doesn’t work you’ll know it doesn’t work and can try others or ask whats next but if it helps you in other areas you can try to fix the ones that have problems. If it makes you tired ask if there’s something that might not (that you can take with it if it helps) or something you can do that your doctor recommends or if it makes you depressed even more you could ask if you could strengthen your anti depressants or try a different kind or whatever your doctor says could help! (I’m not a doctor so if something I said here isn’t how it works or is wrong I’m sorry!) Just talk to your doctor about your worries and ask them what you can do and what they can do but if you have a chance to try something that can help you you should take it!

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I'm giving it 30 days. Well maybe a bit more, but give or take 30 days. By the end of September I will take control of my life and I will be better equipped than three months ago. I'm not right now. I know mentally I'm not ready to not be fucked up by this because I don't have all the tools right now and I have to make a weirdly selfish decision to maintain this moderately unhealthy routine while I work diligently to be a better person. I'm not even ready to talk about it with others. I'm not out there like hey guys doing some self improvement reading this doing that because tomorrow it could stop and I could wake up in a shit attitude and want to die. And I'm not secure enough to compromise my character anymore like I don't want to be him basically because they talk so much and do nothing to improve themselves. I want to be better than that. I want to present a whole picture because no-one can complete it but me through active self improvement so I currently don't need anyone's opinion on these decisions I'm securely making for myself as I develop my adult person.

I'm not 3ven focused on being a "good" person. I just want to be someone I can live with. To be something that doesn't give me anxiety. Security of what I know and what I'm capable of.

Today we fought and he brought it to the cycle and I'm not sure exactly how I want to react so I am reacting very little but really want to focus on knowing my securities of my knowledge and what I want not just from this relationship (I told him it wasn't one but he's the one now saying it is) but from the people I fucking interact with. He refused to read my letters because he's "sad" but would not elaborate. I assume it's like he wrote her similar letters or maybe it's guilt that he's somehow leading me on. I am pumped full of hormones so I couldn't help but be sad that he was too sad to read something I wrote out of love where I describe his great attributes and the things he's been for me. I let it past. I was annoyed by another friend and expressed my related annoyance at their brattiness and not having alot of gratitude. He decided this was wrong and they could complain how they wanted. And you know, I'm not sure if it's right or wrong but I don't want to be around someone who doesn't "get it" because it's like a basic ass philosophical morality that all fucking religions have in common - be grateful. Know what you have and when you can complain. I hate the crackheads but I'm more concerned with my internal than my external because as I work on my internal I have more control over my external even in a shitty environment that could easily be soooooooooooooooooooo much worse.

He belittled the point to I could do better by getting a job so the other person can complain because Im not doing all I could be doing. I, however, have zero space to complain. Ever. It is seemingly never appropriate.

I was more offended that he judged everything down to having a job. Like I'm never doing better unless I've gotten a job. My hardships are all caused by me and I'm not doing enough. Yet for six weeks I've been dedicated as he jacks off and complains about how his mom treats him while he jacks off for free in her home as a 28 year old man. When I offered the idea that he might be privileged he immediately degraded the convo again that now he wasn't allowed to complain despite weeks of me listening to his complaints and hearing utterly repulsive nonsense from him. I've gone above and beyond for this person. I have probably given him the most outside of my father and my father wins by length of time because wow. I can't even repeat his shit because why am I listening to it? I am playing with something very dangerous and like longer than September I've accepted it but if I stop it'll be morally okay.

I told him it was upsetting because we don't talk enough about my improvements to make a sweeping generalization that I wasn't doing better because I didn't have a job. He attempted to say we all could do better and that he was lazy and that's why he is the way he is and all of his problems come down to physical fitness. I was now hurt that I was realizing nothing was changing. He was doing the same routine he had been for two years. He repeated he wasn't going to give me what I wanted and that he's already tried to break up with me before. He had clearly complicated and taken my original complaint personal because he's ungrateful and displays it all the time and feels self conscious about the judgement. I was now side swiped - I hadn't done anything but complain about someone else. I told him he was not a safe space to make those complaints so I won't do it again. I am still valid, by his own fucking argument, to complain. Period. I'll just control the space in which I do it because other people choose to take things personally because it's probably fucking true. My father did this alot. He offended people for being super super truthful but also humorous which makes up an asshole. And I don't want to be the asshole my father was but I still accept the attitude because he wasn't wrong. He told the truth. Even about himself.

He decided to end the conversation on his own accord as he usually does because "I never wanted this I told you I'm unhealthy". Even though four hours ago he's asking for nudes.

I called back and told him this wasn't fair. He asked to call me back in a few minutes and an hour later I got a text saying he's stuck having this big long convo because of his opinion that he has to whisper and never express and he's stuck in this and can't leave because ill publically shame him and he doesn't want that so he's just going to bed.

I was like wtf thanks. First of all obviously it's over since youre inferring I've trapped you by psychological force and there's no fucking real feeling there.

Secondly, he has gbs of porn of me. He could easily shame me just to get himself off for fucking fun not even to be inherently evil and that's literally as likely as me doing something to him. Like in our nature? Yeah it is. Would we do it? Unlikely but given the right circumstances possibly. So like we don't need to see eye to eye on this (we wont) but don't degrade it to a fucking abuse shame war.

Also, the I did not say it, this is manipulation by saying this he's putting it on me so if it happens he can justify all the feelings about ppl being against him so even if I've won, he's still won. Nothing changes.

But I've chosen to be offended that he's assumed this of me to a point that he's using it as an excuse. That's pretty flimsy and bullshit - if you want to leave, just leave.

Finally I reminded him that had he read my fucking love letters, maybe he would've felt differently.

Ironically I woke up with the intention to look up properties in pei. I thought maybe I'll invest just a bit more into this since he seems receptive but maybe fate made this happen to remind me to start nothing. Literally sleeping is time better invested.

I believe right now he will complete his cycle and realize he's shitty and probably come back around with a convoluted lecture and I'll let him. If he chooses not to then it's okay because he made the decision for me and I'll be even more free to recover as I will. But I think he will because my points were valid. He told me that people don't care and I think he should listen to himself because frankly I don't care about every fucking thought that passes in his brain. I don't. Some of his thoughts conflict with my thoughts and instead of arguing I just allow him the fucking space. Get a journal. That's all I can say. You want space? Get a fucking journal. No one cares. And if anyone says they're interested it's because it's a fucking trainwreck like no one wants this around them in reality. It's just interesting to watch unfold.

And I'm the last fucking one watching. I'm the last one encouraging him. The last one supporting and dedicated to him. I am building my support system in a healthy way for the first time and he's the last person I'd go to for support unless I need money.

I understand he's sick and I'm giving him space to figure himself out and honestly if he figured out I'm not supposed to be around and told me this in a mature, non random manner I would just go. I'd have closure. There's never been closure during these times. It's always open ended and when it's over "I never broke up with you".

I laid heavily on wanting to be able to share what I learned but not be influenced by his negativity. He said he would try but he knew it wouldn't work. And this was acceptable for him. Which I found outstandingly hypocritical. If nothing else it finally challenged the lingering beliefs that the things he told me so many times was never something that counted for him.

When I got off the phone I immediately said out loud, "I hate him" and hours later I honestly still kind of do. He's such a shitty person in his current iteration. I know he's been better and can be better and I don't want to be another dumb ass chick like oh you know I just want to help him because I've been that chick and I'm no longer forcing my help. I don't want to help him but I will if he needs it or when I identify times it calls for it. I'm not going to explain to him any further why this is upsetting because he will hang himself by continuing it and I will be away from him.

I will not let this go though and I will save that single message because he implies I have information to shame him in public with. If he finishes his cycle, I will continue to mention that he doesn't love me he just fears me. He's tarnished the relationship himself.

At first I was upset that I had sent letters and made a gift and sent him videos but then I wasn't because I'm a great girlfriend and even though I was and am vulnerable, it still makes me a great girlfriend. Whether he knows that or not is his own choice because the next man I love will be grateful as fuck for the love I give him and I will not be second best to someone else.

I know.

Why am I still willing to do this if I know it could be better elsewhere? I love him, I want him to be mentally well and hopefully have a life with him. Im upset his depression hurt me today. I didn't deserve it. And if the depression chooses to destroy our relationship, then fine. I'm tired of being hurt by it. I have my own shit to deal with.

Just in this very moment because I've decided 30 days I have to let things play out without my influence. I need to put my very best foot forward and present myself in a way I can be proud of. No "instant gratification" messages. I was within my right to respond to his very negative message though I would've like to not have. Because I also had that right. That is something to work on. But I did and my response was collected and reflected his own obnoxious beliefs. I stand behind my letters. I literally wrote on paper I want to spend my life with you it's like damn near a proposal. I had the confidence and commitment to do that. I didn't do that with anyone else. It was like defaulted into my first relationship like well this is what we do I guess just this forever. I mean eventually I wanted to because you're with them so long it's apart of you but I didn't proclaim this love. I have the capacity to do so. It wasn't even wasted on him because it's a love letter to myself. Like hey, look what you can give. I would be too scared to share that because I didn't want to be judged or maybe left or something but I did it and I was just like yes, I feel good. And if we aren't together it wasn't lies because this is how I felt at the time. I wanted to but we didn't.

Unfortunately this took up my whole evening. But it's been awhile since this has happened and I know the hormones definitely affected me so I think I'm more emotionally obsessive over it for that but I'm not distraught at all. It's very very important to break the cycle for myself. I participated in it by focusing on it for too many hours but my focus was healthy I think like it wasn't a breakdown of why I think he feels this way but how I feel about it and what I can do about it and how I can learn from it. I want to break it though and tomorrow will be important because I will not contact him. It's unlikely he will contact me anyways but I don't want to initiate it. I said nothing bad and placed the responsibility of breaking up back on him. He will hopefully wake up to my texts and sit on them but we've been in constant contact daily so he will feel the loss.

One month. I can do this. By fall I will have the things I want or I will be free from the binds that hold me from it.

I have the thought of still looking for properties. I'm more scared of this than the letters. I don't want to know what I'm missing. I don't want another failed life plan. It could backfire if I show them to him - he could feel pressured. At the same time I want to show him I'm serious. I want to set an example and maybe get him excited because this is stupid. And I feel like its smarter to start a plan so I don't wait a month and decide yeah let's do it when this could be the thing. I want to walk away saying like I wanted to do this and this I gave him this but he was too lazy to work towards it.

Of course you know what about this fight? That im trapping him? Im hurt but if I was serious about this is it more important than our potential future? It's not. His tantrum is not because I believe better things can come.

[xayneyierz]

I just feel so. so. so. sad but pls don't read and get triggered I'm emotional and hormones are raging

I realise we all hate bullies when we become self-aware (mercy, or not, to those who don’t) but when you realise you’ve been that way yourself one way or another when you were young or even now either consciously or unconsciously, it makes you wonder if you could have done it differently and could you have.

So I’ll start with what sparked this crazy self-reflection. Came home late had nothing to do while waiting for my hair to dry and I went to flipboard. The first thing I saw was a headline that went something like this: “Vulnerable dad tortured and made to eat his own testicle before he died”.

I mean. WTF right. This sounds like something from a fked up video game or some war crime shit.

So I read it. Not sure if it’s fake cuz after I did I couldn’t bear to read more about it and somehow I just believe that there are people who are perfectly capable of this and have the gall to plead not guilty. And it wasn’t even like that guy did anything. At least from what I read.

And then I stumbled across this article about a youtube account that posts videos of the parents pranking their kids. Just that the pranks go way beyond what those “just for laughs, gags” do. Again I only watched a sort of reaction video where the guy spliced some of the worst moments. Basically the parents would pretend one of the kids did something bad by deliberately setting them up, and then angrily confront them in like typical angry hollering and cursing parent way.

For one, any parent that curses at their child deserves hell. I don’t need to explain it.

And then the child is seen to repeatedly deny it and then burst out crying. Or in other videos they would see the older kids physically rough housing with the younger one. And according to the reaction video guy it’s mostly the same boy being targeted. Anyway i couldn’t bear to watch any more of the videos to confirm wtv. Just those scenes were enough. Apparently they’re all taken down the channel cuz they lost custody of that child and he’s now with his biological mom or sth but yknow thank heavens. But I’m sure if I search hard enough there will be reuploads and reaction videos and whatnot.

But ok and today plus yesterday I was reading koe no katachi and I watched the movie today. Basically about a boy who bullied a deaf girl and then got bullied himself when everyone else then saw him as a bully even though everyone else were just passive or even minor active bullies.

Ok so this just made me so mad and made me think so hard. To be honest with myself, and I have been for a while now, I have bullied people before. My brothers mainly. And not the kind of sibling bullying and occasional physical fights. I mean they never got out of hand especially with my parents there even though I remember this particularly bad one between my bros but my parents were always there to mediate.

The one I remember and feel guilt and regret about is when I made my brother play with my friends and I when we were in after school care and I would have him chase us and we would pretend he had mad cow disease cuz he was known to have a bad temper then.

It was fun then. I felt like we were playing together. I didn’t think anything was wrong. Then he didn’t want to do it anymore. I can’t remember what happened but when I thought about this incident a decade later I realised what it was and how he might have felt. But then I simply did not feel that way. Waa it ignorance? Was it plain neglect? Or was it that I was not taught to feel for others? Or think about other people’s feelings? Or maybe not taught, but I simply did not have the empathy in me. I don’t know.

But one thing my parents did that I hope I won’t if I ever do procreate was cane me for supposed lack of responsibility over my brothers. Things they thought I should do, roles they thought I should assume because I was the oldest. Things my brothers did I was accountable for because I should have stopped them. I should have known better.

Well I didn’t. And I didn’t want that responsibility. I didn’t ask to be born first.

I actually think this is a reason I shy from responsibilities and leadership roles.

Even if my teachers think I’m responsible ha.ha.

Then in primary school I said stuff that were rather mean to two guys. I didn’t think before I talked and they sounded fine in my head but when it came out it was just all wrong. For one guy I just didn’t read the situation well and blabbed something insensitive. The other guy I was trying to say something encouraging and seem like I looked up to him but when it came out it just became mean and demeaning. My friends who were with me immediately told me that it was bad when we were out the classroom and when I looked back I realised how bad it sounded and how far off it was from what I meant. But who cares what I meant if I don’t bring it across. I thought about apologising and explaining myself but I never got the guts to so I still feel the guilt now and if the guy remembers he’ll think I’m a stuck up bitch for the rest of his life.

What I’m trying to say is, every time I read news or watch videos of bullying I always wish hell upon the bully. Especially when they’re just so exceptionally mean. But when I take a step back, like koe no katachi, what if the kid really has no idea? Taking a look at myself, I don’t consider myself a bully but I did actually bully people. My parents aren’t bad parents. I didn’t intend it. But I did bully people. And sometimes all we see is the terrible terrible consequence of bullying. And for some reason kids can be really really mean and unforgiving. We blame society, we blame their parents, we wish hell on them but what if they truly had no idea? No one told them? No one taught them?

Of course for kids who deliberately bully and know it’s wrong and shit really should go to hell especially if they never learn.

But koe no katachi is really special in the sense that we see that this boy really had no idea? In his childish mind he just saw things in black and white. It didn’t dawn on him till he became bullied. Until empathy was forced on him.

I’m not trying to sugarcoat the problem of bullying though, I’m just trying to see this from every possible side. Especially since I personally relate to this. All the episodes I recalled are my cringe moments. Moments I regret, I wish I could change. But if I were honest, I don’t think I could. Because when I was young we all knew bullying was bad. But the actual definition was iffy and you may think it’s ok but others may not. You may be able to take it but some other person may not.

I had a friend who would call me by my surname and I started calling her by hers after a while as payback but for some reason I added a “stupid” in front of it.

I thought it was ok cuz I didn’t mean it in its literal sense and I thought I was being affectionate. Until mutual friends told me it wasn’t very nice and I stopped.

I don’t think I was a very nice person. I probably am not one now. But I’ll only have my verdict once I gain more insight in the future and future me can analyse my current self like current self does with my past self.

We always have moments we want to change. If I had known - but I didn’t. If I could have phrased myself better - but my brain just chose to fart that day.

I’m just so angry cuz of this ignorance. The pain it causes people. And the pain it causes me now, knowing I caused pain in others.

Maybe the parents of those kids really thought they were just harmless pranks. Maybe they believe that it’s part of childhood to be deliberately induced to tears on a regular basis for laughs. Or be wrestled to tears and tell your parents you hate them for making you feel like this for a joke.

Ok sorry I really can’t sympathise with the parents I’m just so angry. The worst thing is that they probably get their positive reinforcement from the comments of people worldwide whom I hope never have children.

People just suck don’t they?

Contemplation about mankind just makes me so angry and sad I should have never started.

Any sane person who saw those clips of the boy crying would think it’s wrong. They tell him to take a joke. That he’s the only one in the household who can’t take a joke. Well if my parents screamed at me daily for something I never did until I cried or made my siblings beat me up for cheap laughs on youtube and then tell me while looking into my tearful eyes that it’s just a prank, I would never trust them again. And then some.

Call me sensitive or a prude or someone who can’t take a joke but even the Halloween prank where parents pretend or even actually finish their child’s candy and wait to see their child cry is just terrible imo.

Why would you want to see your kid cry?

Why would you want your kid to doubt your words?

Especially at that age when they think you’re absolute. That you’re the perfect being. Well of course you aren’t but why are you deliberately trying to show them that lying for the sake of laughs is ok. Especially at the age where they think that their candy, something that they can call their own, is probably their entire world. Even if you think they’re replaceable and cheap. I mean I know how it feels because I’ve been through that. When I look back I realise how insignificant it is. How replaceable candy is or anything else is. That it’s nothing to cry over. But then it meant the world. The kids might not remember it. But what if they do. What if they take away a lesson that you didn’t mean to teach. Maybe they’ll do it in school next time. Take away their classmates’ lunch because their parents did so and said it was a prank.

Ok slippery slope maybe but is it really?

Idk where this post is going anymore but I was just so overwhelmed. So sad. So angry.

I hate that I actually did those things. I wish I was more self-aware at an earlier age. But unlike koe no katachi I don’t have the guts to make it right. They probably don’t even remember but even if they do should i purposely bring it up and cause them more pain?

Thinking about this just brought me to justice. Is an eye for an eye really the best way to go? Every time I get overwhelmed and angry about a crime or a terrible incident a human being did to another human being, or even living thing, I would wish the same thing happened to them. Or worse.

But then a terrible thought came to me. And it just made me cry because those people have a family too. Those people have people that love them too. And if those people have truly felt remorse, punishing them will probably not ease their guilt (can you truly pay for your crimes? As if you’re buying something, can you really be free after?). The victim and their family may feel better (but will they really? Of course there’s the whole other purpose of preventing further incidents if punishment makes them learn or just makes it impossible for them to do it again) But what about the ‘criminal’s’ family…what about them? What about the hurt to them? Who’s going to take responsibility? The criminal? Who’s going to make them feel better? Do they deserve it?

I just…why can’t everyone be aware. Be more aware. Why can’t I be more aware. When will I stop hurting people unintentionally. Will I do it in the future because I fail to think ahead? To think about other people in that moment in time.

This is why I need to avoid such topics.

Why am I so emotional I think my period is coming.

Nothing good is gonna come from me being sad. And there’s nothing to cure ignorance in the world even with the Internet.

Sometimes I wish I can unread things.

Undo things.

But no matter how many times I do it. I know it’ll be the same. Because the decisions I made is just how my brain works. It’s just how I am. And I can’t change who I was in the past without losing who I am. Not that anyone can change the past. What I mean is that harping on the past won’t help. Learning from it is good but just harping is useless. And all I can do is live with the guilt and make myself better. Maybe when I get the guts I can set things straight but why dredge up old and painful memories? It’s not like it will lessen your guilt. Live with it it’s your punishment.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t apologize for what they did wrong though I mean I shouldn’t need to keep putting disclaimers if you actually understand what I’m trying to say.

Sigh.

Why did I do this. Idk I don’t think there’s enough beauty in this world to counter the ugliness.

Like the strange concept of if there’s good there has to be evil or vice versa.

What if there are no poles? Is it really that bad?

Why should people suffer so others can enjoy happiness.

If happiness cannot exist without suffering cuz there always has to be a counterbalance then…

I’m going into communism and total dictatorship haha and we all know how that turns out.

Sigh ok time to stop rant over.

[dom4prez-blog1]

Biology 101 and mind control

College so far has been a learning opportunity to see how brainwashed everyone around me is, from students to teachers to recognizing that the people at the top of the education system are pushing an agenda on everyone at not only Illinois State University but all universities in America. The class that I have seen the most indoctrination and non open-minded thinking has occurred in BSC 101(biology). So far we have been told so much to believe that just is not true! Whats true or not is solely up to the teacher in this class, now obviously its part of a bigger biology teaching philosophy which is implemented probably from a national level. But this truly is brainwashing.

First we learn that evolution is the only real way of our existence on this earth. THIS cut out all religious philosophies that could have been in any students mind. The purpose of that is to cut out any meaning of god, this world is being 100% turned away from god for selfish reasons that I choose to not get into because they’re my personal beliefs. Summed up this is done to have people be selfish individuals that have THEMSELVES as there own gods. This has just been implemented hard-core recently. Why do you think its called the “I”-Phone, everything is about me, me, me, no more time for god. Its a narcissistic human nature. Evolution is the least of my worries, we then were told about climate change.

Basically everyone on this planet buys into this one. This is indoctrinated into everyones brains(now from college on) for a few reasons but one is MONEY, climate change and global warming science is a huge multi billion dollar industry while all at the same time is helping the New World Order commence into a one world government or one world control structure. What their goal is, is to unite the entire world as one to fight the “problem of global warming” its all a scam. For example the EPA being in on it, how much money do you think the government makes off your emissions testing on your vehicle. Or the parts that the big companies like ford or jeep have to pay for the “clean” to protect the ecosystem. (disclaimer- yes there are things we can do to help regulate the things we put in the air- which is only important if its important to you- but in the long term its not effecting our earth as we know it, there are many reasons for things like the melting ice caps or extinction of animals, which is what the biology department uses as there data to support the claim along with the help of the falsified data from NASA which every student just naturally believes because they are never taught to question the government and its agencies). The part that bothers me the most is that in Biology 101 they do not address the other side to climate change. They don’t even mention the evidence that points to NO such thing as climate change. It only took me about an hour of researching to realize this was a scam by NASA, the evidence put out by them is skewed purposely to feed this narrative. Point is to question what you’re learning.

Next unit was human reproduction, which somehow turned into a unit on sexual assault and what is moral. This is the one unit I noticed my class wondering WTF about. Sexual assault has absolutely nothing to do with biology. Then somehow the unit turned into learning about gender roles, gender identity, gay, straight, pan, bi, its just one big gay fest in this class which is all from satan. Sodom and Gomorrah is a good lesson they should probably teach in that class. Or maybe they should tell you that the reason people are thinking they’re gay is BECAUSE IT IS FEED TO THEM 24/7. Every single TV show has to have a gay character, kids are being told in school and at home its ok to be gay, they see the political action taking place, the supreme court cases, the legalization of gay marriage and all its doing is corrupting our youth into these zombie like creatures that cannot think for themselves. Its really messed up what our world has turned into and you never realize it until you open your eyes. And the worst part about it is its happening so fast and theres really no stopping it. (not to mention what diet has to do with sexual orientation and how it effects hormones).

Next unit was about infections which basically turned into half the lecture about why you should vaccinate. Once again they’re not mentioning the many reported cases or autism, or other physical problems parents have noticed in there kids after vaccinations. NOW, the science behind vaccinations is good and to some degree works and makes sense, but now with the corrupt government and all of its agencies it has completely been taken over as an object to mass control people. I have found through research that vaccines are a major reason that cancer is so wide spread now. I have listened to congressional hearings of numerous cases of parents having issues with there kids after receiving there shots at the doctor. This is all the corrupt science going on at the CDC and even the CIA using this as a control mechanism. There is a leaked video coming from the CIA which shows a lecture hall presentation to certain individuals where they talk about purposely spreading man made viruses to change the way people can think. Why do we get twice the amount of vaccines or three times as much as other countries. The amount of vaccines children must get by age 18 is upwards of 40. Im worried about the future repercussions of linking all these medications together. The autism rate has gone up 1000% from 40 years ago. There is a correlation between the amount of vaccines and autism. Maybe there trying to cause mental defects in humans so they cannot question what our shady government is doing?

One of the most bothering part of biology 101 is that we are forced to answer a certain way on the test and they are not true questions for example: a question was something like: There is no controversy in the scientific community that climate change is occurring and the answer was true. So there is just a lot to be questioned and for kids my age who really don’t know much and don’t do research on what they’re learning I think it can be very detrimental to they’re education and there brains for the rest of there life.