#I CANNOT FUNCTION FOR LITERALLY HALF THE MONTH

[genderqueerdykes]

had the consult for my gallbladder surgery. the doctor told me i need to "lose 10 - 15 pounds" before they'll perform the surgery on me, and that I would need to wait 2 - 3 months before they would schedule it. i told her i have PCOS which makes it difficult to lose weight. she told me that does happen, and offered to refer me to a bariatric surgeon who is used to bigger bodies who could perform the gallbladder removal instead. i asked her for the referral to them instead

i was very angry at her for this, as 10 - 15 pounds do not make any difference when you are 300 lbs. my weight fluctuates between 280 - 340 lbs depending greatly on what i've eaten, how much i exercise, and so on. this will also vary greatly depending on if the stone is blocking my gallbladder completely or partially- if it's fully blocking the neck of my gallbladder, i cannot get enough digestive juices into my stomach to properly digest my food, so i will begin violently vomiting to get the undigested food out, and to get bile flowing into my stomach again. i begin to lose tons of weight when this happens, and i put it back on during the periods where i can get enough bile in my stomach to properly digest my food.

i can't digest my food properly. eating "healthier" will not change this- i can't digest food at all, period. healthy or unhealthy, i can't digest anything, because a good half of my digestive juices are completely missing from my guts. there is a functional issue with the way my guts work, of course i will lose weight drastically and put it back on at times. of course the issues will be episodic.

both her and the student that was working with me kept assuming that i said that my pain got worse after "high fat" meals. both of them put this in my mouth-

the student did it first. she asked when the pain gets worse and i said sporadically, but sometimes after i eat. she literally asked me "so you said it gets worse after fatty meals, right?"

i got frustrated and said "no, it's really random." i didn't get to tell her that raw leafy vegetables and lightly steamed or cooked vegetables make me vomit. broccoli and cauliflower that aren't heavily cooked, salads, raw vegetables, lightly cooked carrots, applesauce and apples in general are all problem foods.

the doctor then came in and said "it gets worse after high fat meals, right? you said that" and i went, again, "no it just kinda happens."

i don't even eat a high fat diet. i cook at home now for every meal now that i have all the tools i need to do so. i make rice, fish, pasta, and certain vegetables that i can digest like potatoes, sweet potatoes, onions, mushrooms, and so on. i eat bread, seeds, nuts, dried fruits, and drink oatmilk. i don't eat land meats, eggs, or dairy. i don't have any of those things. i do eat french fries and fish sticks, but not for every single meal. i don't eat chips because they're too salty and irritate my stomach. i don't eat candy or sweets unless the food bank delivers them to me. i don't eat much sugar other than pancakes and certain fruits

she wouldn't listen to me and went "well when you eat fatty meals, your gallbladder has to contract more and it can cause you a lot of pain." you would not believe how many times she came back to "you need to eat a lower fat diet." "the pain gets worse after you eat a high fat meal, so eat lower fat meals and your pain will go down." "just eat a lower fat diet and it'll help."

i just kind of sighed. there were tears in my eyes. i felt defeated. they made a bunch of assumptions just because i was sitting there, being fat. i was wearing long sleeves due to it being cold and they didn't get to see that i have a lot of muscle in my body mass. quite a lot. i wanted to tell them that i'm on testosterone and physically active when and where possible, and that i frequently lift heavy objects and move, but i never got a chance. i wanted to tell them my BMI isn't what they think it is, but i just didn't bother to try

i despise that people assume that fat people are fat because they eat "unhealthy" foods. i ate high fat foods for a few months while i was homeless because i didn't have the resources to cook every single meal. it affected my liver, i'm dealing with some fatty liver. but my gallbladder has more important issues in the form of the literal stone inside. she would not stop pushing for me to eat lower fat meals. all because i was sitting there, existing, as a fat person. i wish i would've told her i can only eat fish and plant matter

i don't understand how a patient telling you they're vomiting and can't keep down certain foods does not sound like a more pressing issue than an arbitrary number. weight as a number means nothing, it tells you nothing about that person's actual body composition. i have trauma with vomiting and yet i'm going to have to keep doing it anyway despite the fact that it could kill me via dehydration or if i just. can't stop

either way i'm very unhappy with result as i already waited for a month for this consult. now i have to wait for a referral for another surgeon to go through, and to do the consult with them, too. all while being in pain and having GI issues the entire time. just because a surgeon doesn't want to take the time to learn how to operate on fat bodies. i'm tired. what a joke

[meazalykov]

yearning

sydney lohmann x f!australian!reader

warnings: no smut but it is very suggestive.

you’re tearing down the wing with ball seeming to be glued to your pink covered foot as bayern’s red and white streaks past along with lyon’s all white. after passing the ball up to lea from the right wing, you look over at sydney in the midfield.

something inside of you wants to call her name, not for the play, but because it’s been festering in your chest for months, a weight you can’t spit out. 

you won’t. 

you never do.

all of your bayern teammates notice the yearning clawing inside you, shredding your calm as your eyes give your feelings away. sometimes it is worse since you’re not one of the germans at bayern which means that national breaks are a cruel exile to australia. 

you’ll fly back alone, no shared hotel rooms, no stolen glances on planes with her. every touch, syd’s fingers grazing yours passing a bottle, her shoulder bumping you in a huddle…sears you raw. 

you see it in her too in the way her eyes linger when you tie your pink colored boots, her jaw clenches when you joke with klara or literally any other one of your teammates. everyone is done with it. georgia groans when you stare too long. klara mutters “just ‘do it’ already” when sydney lingers too close, adjusting your sleeves of your kit jersey for no reason. 

the air between you chokes them, but neither of you breaks.

this game right now is against lyon. it is the champions league quarterfinal. you’re in sync with the girl in midfield. yes, you and syd with passes clicking like you share a brain, but it doesn’t quiet the ache. 

after the 70th minute a lyon player tackles you, too close, her hand brushing your arm as she rises. she murmurs something, eyes glinting, playful. 

“you need to watch yourself, sexy”

what the fuck? anyways, you ignore whatever the lyon player is saying and jog back to position. however, nearly half of the pitch witnessed that interaction and the way that lyon’s defensive player checks you out. 

sydney’s stare burns your skin. you glance over and her face is confused, lips pressed thin, eyes dark with something feral. 

the whistle ends it, 2-1 lyon, and you’re drained from the loss.in the locker room, teammates scatter to showers and physios or just chatter. 

sydney’s silent, packing her bag with sharp, angry jerks. you wait, heart pounding, until it’s just you two inside of the locker room when everyone leaves. 

“syd,” you say, voice scraped raw. 

she doesn’t look up so you say, “what’s going on?”

you get silence with just the rustle of her bag. 

your chest tightens, yearning curdling into something sharp. 

you step closer to her sitting figure

“talk to me. i can’t do this if you shut me out.”

syd’s hands freeze. when she looks at you, her eyes are a storm. 

“why don’t you go entertain your lyon friend?” her voice is low, biting, laced with something that stings.

you blink, thrown. 

“what? i didn’t even…”

��don’t,” she cuts you off, standing, close enough you smell her sweat, her shampoo, feel the heat radiating off her. 

“i saw it. we all did.”

anger surges, hot and reckless, “you think i give a single shit about some random player? i didn’t even hear what she said mate. i was more concerned about the team, especially you.”

syd’s breath hitches, but she doesn’t fold. 

“then why does it feel like you’re open to everyone else except for me?” her voice cracks, raw, exposing the hurt beneath, “i’m going insane wanting you, and you’re just there like it doesn’t affect you.”

you snap. 

“doesn’t affect me?” you’re yelling now, voice bouncing off the lockers. 

“i can’t fucking function around you, syd. every time you’re close, it’s like i cannot even function properly since i get so awkward. i go home, i lie there, thinking of you, hating myself because i can’t just say it. i need you, and it’s breaking me.”

silence slams down, heavy, charged. syd’s eyes search yours, wide, unguarded, and you’re so close now, noses brushing, breaths tangling. 

“what do you mean, you need me?” she whispers, not soft, but urgent, a demand carved from desperation.

you swallow, throat tight. 

“i see you every day in training or at klara’s place and it’s like a knife in my chest because i can’t touch you or love you the way i want to syd. i mean i’m in love with you, and it’s fucking destroying me.”

she makes a sound which is some half-gasp, half-sob and then her hands are on your face, rough, trembling. 

“you absolute idiot,” she says, voice shattering, “i’ve been in love with you since you came here.”

time stops as you crash into her, or she pulls you… whatever it was it’s a blur, but your lips meet, fierce, all teeth and starvation, months of want spilling over. syd’s mouth is warm, tasting of mint, and you groan, low and ragged, as she presses herself closer. 

you back her into the lockers, metal clanging, her hands sliding under your shirt, nails biting your skin. you hiss, wanting the sting, wanting everything she could give you. you tug her ponytail free, her hair spilling wild, and she moans which is a a wrecked, desperate sound when you pull it, just enough.

“god,” she gasps, lips grazing your jaw, and you kiss her harder, swallowing her words. your hands roam, tracing the hard lines of her waist, the curve of her hips, and she arches, all heat, all need. 

it’s not enough. you could drown in her and still want more. syd’s fingers dig into your back, and when you nip her lip, she growls, pulling you tighter, smirking when you shudder. 

“so needy,” she murmurs, but her eyes are soft, like you’re something sacred.

you break away, panting, forehead pressed to hers, eyes locked. 

“i hated seeing her near you and the way that her eyes trailed down your body,” she admits, voice raw, “i wanted to break something.”

you laugh, breathless, and kiss her neck, slow, deliberate, feeling her pulse jump. 

“i didn’t see her, syd. just you.”

she shudders, hands gripping your hips, and you’re kissing again, slower, deeper, like you’re unraveling each other. the german’s tongue brushes yours, and you feel it everywhere, heat pooling low, your skin buzzing. 

you want to climb inside her, lose yourself in every inch. syd’s hands slide lower, teasing, and you whimper, helpless, as she chuckles against your mouth, dark and knowing.

unfortunately… reality creeps in. your teammates could walk in, staff could interrupt. you pull back, gasping. 

“we can’t… not here,” you say, but your hands stay on her, refusing to let go.

she nods, but her thumb traces your lip, and you nearly cave. 

“tonight,” she says, voice like iron. “come to my place.”

your heart lurches. 

“tonight,” you echo, a vow.

at least the yearning now it has a place to land after being in the air for so long, ever since you joined the team only a year prior.

masterlist

[suzukiblu]

Another round of "obligatory sugar baby Kon" behind the cut. tw: implications of past grooming/abuse. prev: (( chrono || non-chrono ))

“Um,” Kon says, his teeth just barely digging into his lower lip again as his eyes flick down and to the side–down towards Tim’s hand where it’s cupping his neck, even though he obviously can’t see that clearly from this angle. Though he can feel it, obviously. In multiple ways, via both standard-issue senses and specialized telekinesis. 

Tim is maybe gonna burn alive and lose his mind and really, really wants to know if Kon will let his TTK down for him, whether he can give him a hickey or not. 

He wonders–would it feel different to Kon, if someone kissed him without his TTK in the way? Would he like it better, or would he feel too vulnerable or awkward, or would it be too hard to concentrate on the actual kiss while holding his TTK in check, or– 

“Um,” Kon starts again, and then just sort of trails off and licks his lips. He’s still looking down towards Tim’s hand, his line of sight just barely visible under his half-lidded eyes and the gold liner framing his eyes and the glitter powder said liner’s just barely shed into his lashes. Tim wants to smear it with his thumb and see what it looks like, and brush his fingertips along Kon’s temple and into his hair and along his buzzed scalp and his half-slicked-back hair, because Kon’s been wearing his hair a little differently for their dates than the way he usually wears it, and specifically Kon’s been wearing it the same “differently” that Tim styled it for him at the mall. 

Tim was, like, at least trying not to obsess about that, but it’s very hard not to obsess about that, because maybe Kon’s doing it for practical “staying under the radar” reasons or because he decided he liked how it looked; maybe he’s doing it because he’s testing it out for being more convenient for keeping his hair out of his eyes in a fight. 

But maybe he’s doing it because he thinks Tim likes his hair this way. 

Tim really cannot pencil in the processing time for all the stuff he has to process right now. Like, there’s just no room in the schedule. Maybe next month. 

“You, uh, know I wasn’t actually thinking about streets and buildings when I said we could have some fun with the camera, right?” Kon asks just a little bit quietly, the corner of his mouth just barely ticking up and his eyes going soft and shy as he tilts his head to the side–to the side away from Tim’s hand, specifically, so the whole line of his neck’s all stretched out and exposed and . . . there. Just–there. Very, very there. “There”, in this context, meaning “under Tim’s hand”. 

And flicks his eyes to Tim’s face at the same time, like he wants to see if he’ll like that. 

. . . maybe next year he can pencil in that processing time, Tim corrects himself somewhere in the middle of the five-alarm apocalypse currently occurring in his head. Like. Just . . . somewhere in there, maybe. 

Ngk. Just–ngk. 

“I need to maybe not, or I’m not gonna be able to be normal about taking you to dinner,” he admits. Kon laughs again, just a little, and his face flushes again too, and he’s just so damn cute and Tim really does not understand how many inappropriate thoughts his brain is trying to think right now. It’s just–it’s so many. Usually he’s thinking too much by default, yeah, and definitely he is thinking too much and in way too many layers, but literally every single one of those layers is functioning more like, like, in the sense of a “dance of the seven veils” kind of “layering”. 

“I mean . . . you don’t have to be,” Kon says, still with just the slightest trace of shyness in both his expression and his tone. And then his expression–shifts, kind of, and turns flirty and . . . and a little bit past flirty as his mouth cocks into an inviting smirk, which Tim is really, really not capable of handling right now or possibly ever, so before Kon does his usual braggy overkill horndog routine he needs to just change the subject and– “You got me all this nice stuff to wear for you, daddy. Don’t you wanna see a little more of what’s under it?” 

Tim–pauses.

That’s . . . definitely Kon-levels of “total lack of subtlety”, yeah, but the phrasing is . . . 

What’s that phrasing, exactly?

[struwberrii]

boyfriend! oikawa who would do silly and embarrassing things if it meant he could see you smile or hear you laugh

boyfriend! oikawa who would regularly trick you into eating healthier with him and drinking more water by trying new recipes and new restaurants with you

it was around that time of the month (🤨) where your boyfriend, tooru, would surprise you with a date night. the only tip he gave you this time was to dress formal (oolala)

of course while you were getting ready on your side of your shared bathroom, oikawa would look over and shower you in kisses while complimenting how beautiful you looked and how lucky he is to have you

after the two of you are ready, he takes you down to a new restaurant that opened recently, located at the top of a tall building in the city. he reserved seats next to a beautiful water fixture with a nice view of all the city buildings beneath you.

of course he wasn’t going to tell you this was an 100% organic restaurant though, not that he thinks that would’ve made a difference, you probably wouldn’t even realize.

boyfriend! oikawa who tries to get you to come to the gym with him to do ‘couples workouts’ but just wants to show off and flex his muscles for you

boyfriend! oikawa who talks about how beautiful and amazing his s/o is to anyone who will listen (iwa is sick of you guys)

“oikawa!? hurry the hell up and pick some sunglasses so we can get back to practice!” iwa yells in his usual angry demeanor towards oikawa.

“hold your horses iwa, i’m waiting for y/n to reply” oikawa mumbled the second half of that sentence while constantly refreshing his phone.

“what does y/n have to do with your damn shades” iwa snaps back

“you think i’m gonna buy sunglasses my partner doesn’t think i look sexy in?”

“yuck, i’ll be in the car shitty-kawa”

boyfriend! oikawa who literally cannot function if his partner is upset with him

boyfriend! oikawa who always has an arm around you or his fingers interlocked with yours

boyfriend! oikawa who can only fall asleep when he’s on facetime with you when he’s away for a game

boyfriend! oikawa who invites you to his practices only to get distracted and end up teaching you how to set and spike a volleyball instead

boyfriend! oikawa who’s kind of a dick to anyone who isn’t you, you constantly have to remind him

‘this isn’t you bae… </3’

boyfriend! oikawa who let you do his skincare one time now he begs you to do it all the time

“pleaseee y/n” he pleads, practically giving you puppy dog eyes while holding his hands together in a begging motion

“why do you want me to do your skincare again? i just did it for you yesterday?” you question “it just feels so much better when you do it for me” he explains

“ok, fine, go grab my products, but after this i’m teaching you how to do it yourself” you say sternly, getting up from your comfortable position and making your way over to your shared bathroom

“roger that” he smiles running ahead of you to the bathroom

boyfriend! oikawa who will carry your purse on his shoulder for you and act so sassy the entire time

boyfriend! oikawa who is a firm believer in princess treatment (he expects princess treatment in return

[novella-november]

I was recently reminded that "Portable Typewriters" exist for a few hundred dollars, and are marketed as "the only way to write on the go, distraction free with the small built in screen" and I would like to give everyone who, like me, is on a very very small budget and can't afford to drop $400 or $500 on a typewriter...

...here is an actual budget option for around $40, 10x cheaper, that you can use with any smart phone that has bluetooth built in, which is most modern phones.

[ID: A photo of a folding bluetooth keyboard by the brand ProtoArc, in the plain black version, which is a thin but full-sized Qwerty keyboard including a numberpad on the right hand side, with a few extra functional keys on the top right for use with a phone. End ID]

This keyboard is around $43; if you want a colored version (grey, silver, white, blue, or green green) it goes up to $53.

This keyboard has a charge that lasts around a week or two (depending on length of daily use) and fully charges in around half an hour or less with a USB-Type C charger, included in the package.

Once you pair it with your phone, it will pair automatically when you fully unfold it, and disconnect when you fold it back up; no on or of switches needed.

If you are someone who has been tempted by the concept of writing on the go, writing on a small screen so you're not distracted by a full desktop PC or laptop, but balked at the price of $300-$600+, please consider trying out a bluetooth keyboard with a phone you already own for $40, and see if you are either satisfied with this small price point and stick with it, or take the plunge and buy a portable typewriter now that you know the concept works for you, instead of shelling out a few hundred and never using it.

The folding keyboard is small enough you can fit it in a small carrying bag, and if you have a large fanny pack that would probably work as well; I have a small purse/sling bag that I use which fits perfectly, so literally anywhere I go that has a flat surface, I can whip out my keyboard and keep on writing my novel :)

The keyboard works with any app on your phone, so you can write in Google Docs, another word processing app, or directly on 4TheWords mobile website!

But yes, if you are interested in writing on the go and are on a small budget, I highly reccomend this keyboard, it is one of the reasons I have been able to write so much in the past few months.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09TW35H1Z

No, this is not an affiliate link, and I am not making any money off of sharing this link; I am just someone who is living paycheck to paycheck who really loves to write and don't want people to think the only way to write while traveling is by dropping a few hundred dollars on a device--

-- especially if you are someone who for disability reasons cannot easily use the small keyboard on a phone screen. There are cheaper, more accessible options out there, if you're looking at non-medical electronics in a similar vein to "portable typewriter", there are plenty of cheaper, more versatile options out there as long as you can think of the most simplified versions to look up alternatives.

[anonmousegosqueak]

A nice Bug and Boo one that isn't at the expense of Soap. (Sorta NSFW?)

Simon noticed Roach when everyone else did. The man had practically jumped back into a burning building to save some important files. Price practically ripped a vocal cord in half when he was scolding him.

He noticed him more and more, Gary, his real name he later learned, had a cute head on his shoulders as Simon noticed in the showers. As well as other assets that led Simon to death glare at Johnny so he wouldn't laugh.

Fast forward a bit, and Simon and Gary get assigned a transport mission (I know nothing of the military, so have no clue if this is a real thing but just pretend!) It was supposed to be quick but the trucks engine broke down leaving them stranded for...how long did Price say? Oh yeah, like twelve hours...

Simon was decent at making bets, sometimes he lost, other times he won. And then he made the riskiest bet every on whim.

"Wish I brought something to pass the time..." Gary had mumbled, with his mask and helmet off. "We could make out." Ghost had responded, barely missing a beat.

Course he felt like the biggest idiot, they'd barely had five conversations, why in the hell would he say that!? He tongue fumbled, attempting to back track before Roach responded with a simple "Sure."

Turns out Simon wasn't the only one peeping in the showers. Safe to say they entertained themselves, content with the sore rears on both ends.

Side note: Price was unwillingly listening to them. He would rather shut it off, but it's gonna be on him if something happens to them and he wasn't able to warn the help arriving. On top of this Laswell walked in, leading to this convo:

Laswell: Hey, John I—*cut off by very obvious sex noises*

Price:...

Laswell: Price, are you listening to porn???

Price: Hoh, I wish I was listening to porn instead of these two horny fucks who are CLEARLY having a better time than I am!

Lmaoooo-

As I'm still recovering from that one ask you gave me, I'm making this a poly thing and making sure Soap gets love.

Poor Price though. He's just trying to do his job, now his boys are fucking in the back of a transport. He doesn't even bother to get embarrassed when Laswell comes in, he's literally like 'LISTEN TO THIS BULLSHIT!' meanwhile poor Laswell is a happily married lesbian who doesn't really wanna listen to two men have sex while technically on duty.

If only Price had a hot Russian pilot under his desk, am I right? >:3

Also yes, while it might seem like Ghost tops, they are literally switches and switch like the fucking switches they are.

Onto Soap appreciation-

I think one of the reasons he could barely hold back laughing in the showers is because while both these oblivious men are checking each other out and not realizing the feeling is mutual, Soap is literally in bed with both of them. He once had Simon moan out Roach's name (poor guy almost cried from guilt, Soap was just cackling his ass off). Also- after Cockroach and Spooky fuck a few times and make it official, Soap learns Ghost once moaned *Johnny's* name for Roach and had the same reaction. They both laughed over their poor pathetic boyfriend who is obviously whipped and cannot function. (And gave him lots of cuddles and reassurance)

Long story short, I giggled about how instead of a nice romantic first time or even a drunken night at the bar, it's just two idiots who are stranded and have been horny for each other for months.

[littlegreenfag-archive]

Regarding @littlegreenfag

Tldr: Adina, known by the Tumblr urls littlegreenfag and prksoda, has spent the past several years lying about many facets of their life. The list of lies includes, but is not limited to, being half manouche Romani, being Jewish, and being descended from Holocaust survivors.

I never wanted to have to do this. I’ve spent months trying my best to encourage Adina to come clean themself. My methods were not ideal. I should not have used anonymous messages. I used to be friends with them, I should've talked to them openly as their friend. I also should’ve attempted to be less aggressive at times, even though I think it is incredibly reasonable to have felt the way I felt when I was sending some of those messages. I understand and regret both of these things. Unfortunately, since Adina has deactivated @littlegreenfag, I cannot provide links or screenshots to every ask of mine that they responded to, only those I saved at the time. I will do this later, upon request. This post is already going to be enough of a monster without them.

Though the last day has been a complete nightmare, I am satisfied with one thing: Adina came clean about everything, even if not publicly. My worry was always with the though of having to reveal their personal information, as many of the things they’ve lied about would require me to, functionally, dox them. Though it's technically all public, I would much rather that no one who doesn't already have access to this information gain it.

So, why am I writing this post? For those of you who were on Adina’s blog last night, you may have seen this post. I was also able to save a capture of their blog on the Internet Archive. Here is a screenshot that I took around when the post was first published. Apologies for the formatting.

To summarize, Adina begins to by admitting to a small lie, that they were born in Chicago, before admitting that they had been lying about their race. Though it was not present at the time of the blog's deletion, I would like to note that Adina had the phrase "jewish and half-romani" in their blog's bio for a very long time. This phrase was quietly removed after I sent the first anon message telling them that I was aware of their lies, on March 16th 2024. This can be seen on the Wayback Machine, by looking at the capture taken on March 5th, 2024, in comparison to the capture taken on March 24th, 2024.

That is what you may have seen. However, it is not the only major lie Adina has told. After suggesting Adina should turn off anons, I sent them another ask with my blog name visible, telling them that I could tell everyone about the other lies for them, if they wished to log off and be done with it. They messaged me privately, and this is the resulting conversation.

I apologize for the block of images, but I figured it was necessary to include the entire conversation. Here, Adina openly admits to not being Jewish. Adina has spent months receiving social benefits for claiming to be Jewish, and they've even used this claim to support arguments. Truth be told, Adina has one Jewish great-grandfather. How Adina expected me to believe they would know about this without knowing his surname, I will never know. However, I should emphasize that Adina is not Jewish by the standards of any main movement of Judaism. Orthodox and Conservative look for an unbroken line of Jewish women, while Reform asks that you be raised Jewish by a Jewish parent. Adina is descended from a Jewish man who converted to Catholicism and raised his children Catholic.

Regarding the Holocaust claim, I understand hat Adina did not directly address this. I will say that I find it suspicious that they deactivated as soon as I mentioned it, but they technically never confirmed it was a lie. However, with the information that:

The ancestors they mention as being survivors or victims quite literally do not exist and

Their Jewish ancestor was born in the United States well before WWII

I believe it is quite safe to say this was also a lie. My screenshots of their claims come mostly from their Reddit account, which is now deleted.

It is absolutely ghoulish to me to create fake relatives so that you can pretend they were tortured and killed during the Holocaust. All to receive sympathy.

Though there are many, many other lies Adina has peddled, such as being a child of divorce and having a dead biological mother, I don't think any of them matter much in the grand scheme of things when these are the other lies that have been told.

It is also worth noting that this is a pattern of behavior from Adina. As some of you who followed them may know, back in 2019, a blog was created with the intent of calling them out for lies. Frankly, this blog, @prksodalies , is what put me on to Adina's trail in the first place. Though I believe that several of the things Adina was accused of on this blog are downright cruel to accuse someone of without evidence, the fact that there were so many smaller obvious lies made me very uneasy. What specifically made me curious was the post, here, where Adina claims that they are half Lebanese. Obviously, this did not make a ton of sense with the half Roma and half Ashkenazi Jewish Adina we all knew. As it turns out, this was one of the very few shreds of truth from Adina. They're a quarter Lebanese on their father's side, and other than that and a Jewish great-grandfather, are of mostly Polish and German descent.

This being a pattern of behavior, alongside the way Adina behaved in messages with me, tells me that this will likely unfortunately not be the last time this person creates a Tumblr blog with a fabricated life story. I feel immense guilt at the thought that they may continue to swindle and hurt people, and that I will never know or be able to help again.

To everyone who was friends with this person and has been hurt by their actions, I am truly, truly sorry. This has been an absolutely miserable experience for me and I can't imagine it's much different for any of you. If you have questions, I'll be available for a least a few hours. I do not want to share any of their personal information, but I will share what I need to (privately) if some of you need or want more information.

[dangermousie]

I was chatting with @aysekira and I just want to talk about this scene because I love it so much and because it really explains why I love this drama so.

It's in the kitchen, after her kissing his mutilated stubs of fingers. Because he gives her a tiny peck looking stunned at his own boldness:

And her reaction just slew me:

The reason I love it so is because I am so so so fond of stories that have so much unspoken and in the lacunae between explicit explanations.

It says so much about the state of his body/desire/trauma and how that has also been shut down for six months (and without triggering the censors) and her yearning. The thing is - and I love that so much - is that she has always desired him. Yes, she loves him and admires him and likes him and whatever else, but pretty much from their first meeting, she wanted him. There are so many shots in the show where it's just her POV staring at him and you can see her desire.

And the thing that this scene conveys so well and so wonderfully (and he picks up on it immediately, because he's so attuned to her - but oh, despite that, the way his eyes are still in hell, ooof) is that SHE STILL WANTS HIM.

She wanted him when he was perfect and the golden boy with women who'd line up to ask for his number and she wants him just as much now when he's a barely functional wreck with permanent mental and physical handicaps. And this is such a huge huge thing for someone who even when he was way better thought of himself as only half a person and now probably thinks he isn't even one at all. I think this is why/when he feels comfortable to kiss her for real:

And ooof the little touch that even here he does not put his mutilated hand around her, any healing if it happens will be slow, but she is doing her best. Even the fact that he feels at least comfortable to touch her with his OK hand and to kiss her and take initiative (and she lets him set the pace) is a big deal.

It makes me think of that famous quote from TCGF: “To me, the one basking in infinite glory is you; the one fallen from grace is also you. What matter is ‘you’ and not the state of you.” Or the scene from LYF where 17 explains that one of the big reasons he got attached to XY was because despite his injuries, she saw him as a man worthy of blushing for.

I think what I really really love about the narrative is that they start with his literally saving her life at their first meeting. But it ends with her saving him over and over and over again. She cannot defuse bombs and mines or fight bad guys, but her love and care is as much a superpower as his skills.

[i-wheeley-like-you]

Ronance headcanons!!

Nancy once gave Robin a ring and Robin has never ever taken it off. She point blank refuses to take it off and when she's asked where it came from she gatekeeps that information.

Nancy is CUDDLY!! She is so scared of Robin disappearing like Barb did that she literally never lets Robin out of her sight and if she can, she will be touching her in some way.

They both struggle to say 'I love you'. Nancy struggles because of her parents disfunctional marriage and Robin struggles because she genuinely cannot express how she feels ever.

The first time they did the deed they were both so confused and decided that 'whatever happens happens'.

Sometimes Robin just stares at Nancy until Nancy acknowledges it. Then when Nancy does acknowledge it she gets nervous and looks away.

Nancy is a thief. She steals any old clothes that Robin has showed even a small amount of boredom for. Robin doesn't mind, she thinks they look better on Nancy anyway.

The first time Robin saw Nancy in a swimsuit she was not a functional member of society for a solid half hour. This was the same vice versa.

They both equally need reassurance and sometimes get upset with eachother when they don't get it. Robin needs assured that Nancy isn't just experimenting with her and Nancy needs assured she isn't just being used.

Steve was initially kinda mad at Robin for breaking 'bro-code' and dating his ex... but eventually he came around.

If Robin/Nancy were to go missing in season five, the other would FREAK OUT. I feel like Nancy especially would do everything in her power to find Robin in fear it would be another Barb situation.

They have drastically different music tastes but somehow manage to agree on music for every single car ride.

Nancy initiated the first kiss and Robin was genuinely astounded.

They're both equally protective of eachother. If someone makes Nancy upset, Robin will go ballistic. Despite usually being quite chill and laid back, she would definetely smash a car window or slash a few tires. Nancy on the other hand just straight up threatens people who make Robin even the slightest bit upset.

Robin is a major passenger princess for MONTHS until she finally gets her license and then she starts returning the favour of Nancy driving her everywhere.

They are both jealous. Like very jealous.

[mdhwrites]

I'd like your thoughts on the segment of TOH fandom that attributes Luz' behavior to her having been bullied and ostracized in Gravesfield. Canonically there is nothing showing Luz being bullied or says that she was bullied in Gravesfield. Quite the contrary. Yesterday's Lie had Vee, who had been living as Luz for months, living a good life where she had made friends at camp and at school. She resented Luz' return and castigated her for not appreciating how good a life she had. The episode Thanks to Them had the guidance counselor ask Camila if she had been bullied in school to which Camila answered that she had. He then asked if she wanted Luz to struggle as she had. That question strongly suggests that Luz was not yet having any social difficulties beyond those of her own making and that sending her to camp would keep that from happening. When we see Luz back in Gravesfield HS she was having no difficulties dealing with other students and that some of her contacts with them were friendly and admiring.

So what are your thoughts on this insistence of certain fans that Luz had suffered this bullying and ostracization when the show itself not only doesn't support it but contradicts it?

Because it's necessary for Luz's character to function.

That's really all it comes down to. Luz is kind of monstrous if she has never actually known strife. She wants to be seen as the victim after all. She wants to be justified in abandoning her mom for her fantasies. For rejecting the consequences of assaulting people. Heck, that's still true in S3 where she needs to be able to claim that the human world would be some torturous hell hole for her so that her self martyring actually comes across correctly instead of someone going, "Oh, that sounds like a lot of work and might actually be dangerous so I'm just gonna stay home with my loving mom instead."

If her home life was good, was kind, was what we wish our home lives with a parent who will enable us to do whatever we want short of breaking the law... What the fuck is she doing? The audience insert, who goes entirely unquestioned in the show besides "Hey, you kind of messed up, go apologize," (which she doesn't do well all the time) is suddenly this whiny brat who wants to be enabled by literally every person in existence because she needs to be the most special person there. It's the antithesis of what people want "I just want to be understood!" to be about. She wants to be understood so you go "Oh, I get it, you keep being you," and never hold her accountable. Otherwise, she might not lie all the time because she might be willing to actually face the consequences of her actions.

It is a shift in Luz's character irreversible in its damage. You just cannot like the show in the same way when you have to admit that Luz is a self entitled little shit. And mind you, her normal archtype is of that sort. Danny Phantom and Randy Cunningham and even to some extent Kim Possible are all flawed teenage characters who are clearly growing. Who need to be better people so while they're protagonists, you're supposed to learn as much alongside them as from their example, if not more. You are meant to take from Luz by example though. She is meant to be the audience surrogate after all. And, you know, if she's unjustified in her actions... What does that say about you all of a sudden who connected so deeply with her?

That's all of why this can't vanish. I actually want to add onto your proofs though because people will go "What about her panicking during Knock Knock Knocking?" Yes, that is the ONE time we are ever given the idea for her being mocked for something and even that one... Well, she's worried about going too over the top. How much do we want to bet Luz came to school in her suit to ask the person she liked out like she was in some sort of soap opera? That's gonna get you reasonably laughed without a VERY specific sort of partner like Amity.

HOWEVER... That's the one time, a season and a half into the show, her actions imply someone who has been bullied. Otherwise, she is very confrontational, she does nothing to hide herself, she gives almost no shits about what anyone thinks about her besides "Fuck you, I am totally the greatest" everytime Eda doubts her. The closest before then is her worrying about Amity seeing her as lame but Amity is the only one she cares about for that. Even then, she never seems bothered by the fact that Amity is a bully. She is willing to stand up to her regardless. This is further reinforced by what she does with Boscha where she either just brushes her off during Once Upon a Swap or is entirely confident in confronting her in Winging it Like Witches. NONE of that is the behavior of someone who has been bullied, harassed and hurt by constant bullying. Add all the elements where she clearly could have found people like her but chose instead to chase more popular clubs like cheerleading and acting and it paints a REALLY bad picture of Luz.

It paints her as Liz Lemon from 30 Rock, or Goob from Meet the Robinsons. Both people who claimed the world hated them when the reality was that they were awful to reality, one being a bully and the other ignoring all signs of kindness and acceptance that was attempted to be given to him. This is far worse when you remember that Luz never appreciated her mom properly, like Goob, and also is genuinely an asshole to both King and Hooty for their interests, like Liz Lemon.

Luz is a bad person. But for the show to function, you cannot believe that. Once you do, it will only to start to collapse faster and faster as the contradictions pile on top of themselves.

So why not just twist the truth instead into the pleasant lie Luz is actually the archtype of the bullied nerd that the first episode tried to imply she was but then failed to ever deliver on? It's easier that way, even if it's dishonest. Luz wouldn't judge you for it, not so long as you didn't try to lie to her. Because all that matters in the end to Luz is Luz.

======+++++======

If the idea of a fact that's not well supported by the show being critical to a character functioning sounds familiar, it's because it's the same reason why people need Odalia to be pure evil. Both Amity and Luz need to use having been hurt by others to justify their own behaviors, even when their behaviors don't correlate in ways that actually support those excuses.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[sevenfactorial]

Approximately 7 months ago, during my spectral theory class, I learned of the word sesquilinear and haven't gotten over it since.

Sesquilinear is the property of being linear in one argument and being conjugate linear in the other. In contrast to being bilinear, i.e. linear in both arguments. The root "sesqui" means one and a half, which, tbf, is reasonable enough.

(Side note: this is a property of inner products, which I learned about years ago? But I don't recall my previous measure/functional prof ever using it? Idk maybe just a language thing.)

But I think the word is just so funny? It sounds *silly*.

My perspective has only been moved into sillier territory by one of my friends adding "sesquilinear" to the "potential leopard gecko names" list that's taped to our office wall, shortly after we covered inner products in one of our shared classes this semester.

Idk when he added it, but he was there when I first noticed so I commented it seemed rather mean to do that. Then I recalled that he didn't actually like leopard geckos so okay, makes more sense now. Still mean, but makes sense.

Consequently, if I'm tired or otherwise a little out of it and hear sesquilinear, I cannot handle it and will have to stiffle giggles.

This hit recently during my linear algebra class when we defined bilinear, which shouldn't really have set it off since 1) literally not the same word 2) I wasn't even that tired. A little bored if anything. Otoh, same prof for spectral and linear. So I just sat and continued taking notes while grinning and smothering my giggles. Unknown if the professor noticed.

[formula-red]

.

i genuinely cannot do this anymore how am i supposed to function. i was ab*sed by my father my entire life until i cut him off and have parented my mother since i was a child and im supposed to be a normal person when im living with half the reason i have ptsd. i cant fucking do this i just want a parent who loves me w out having to be their parent i just want a parent who loves me w out me having to be perfect and emotionless all the time and who doesnt tell me they wish they never had kids and who doesnt mock me or berate me or scream at me or lock me away at 4 fucking years old or treat me like a fucking problem. and ive been so good about not s.h.-ing but im literally about to break like. 3 months of being clean because i get screamed at and mocked to my fucking face and my abuse made fun of and gaslit because i said something hurt my feelings. people with even one semi functional parent don’t realize how fucking good they have it and how much better off they are like i genuinely dont understand how im supposed to do this

[d34dlysinner]

Prettybusy Updates/promises for the future. Year 2024

I literally took this from their website so. This was posted today: 10/01/2024.

Hello, this is Prettybusy.

Since the release of <What in Hell is Bad?>, many people have found Hell to support us and tell us what could be improved.

We are most apologetic that we cannot reply to all the voices.

But even when we weren't able to respond to everything, we still read every email, made sure we didn't miss anything,

and kept the production crew together for ongoing discussions.

We would like to apply many new things to Hell, but here's our first response to your voices,

summarizing what we can realistically expect to see in 2024.

More info about content, pricing and improvement of environment under the cut.

[Addition of contents]

Life goes on forever.

To those of you who come to find <What in Hell is Bad?>, we hope to be with you for new stories and new events.

So, here are some new content that we promise to add.

First

The addition of a new main story - Chapter 5 - (within January)

Hell's next story will be added.

What will be added in the new main story are main story episodes including battles, Minhyeok's story, and Hell's chatrooms.

We aim to add new chapters once every 3 months.

Second

The release of the minigame <Catch Minhyeok's Boxers> (within January)

Minhyeok's boxers have flown away in the wind! It is a game where you catch boxers floating in the sky with Ppyong who is armed with shibari.

To satisfy your desire to earn paid currency, we will add a minigame that allows you to randomly farm items alongside light gaming.

You can obtain not only Lesser Keys and Greater Keys, but also Solomon's Seals if you're lucky(!)

Third

The addition of new daily chats (within February)

The interest of all devils which you can see once a day. Daily chats will be added.

We are aiming to add daily chats steadily once every 2 months.

Fourth

The addition of the Friends system(within March)

You are not alone now...!

Adding friends gives you the ability to earn additional items, see what characters your friends have that you don't, and show your profile to other friends.

Fifth

The addition of Realm of the Seraphim(within March)

The closed <Realm of the Seraphim> of the Dark Sanctuary will be opened.

You can now enter Gabriel, Raphael, and Michael's realms to fight them.Similar to the Nightmare Dungeon, you can only face them if you fulfill the conditions, and while it will be a scarier battle, you will be rewarded with better items.

What's unusual about this is that you won't exchange items through an exchange, but rather you get the

items you loot from their realms immediately after the battle.

Sixth

The addition of a birthday system(within April)

The devils understood the human world's <celebration of birthdays>.

Now, the devils will congratulate the day you were born, the most unusual being in Hell.

Devils who are on good terms with you will contact you, and also prepare presents with their hearts.

Seventh

The addition of decorating the lobby icon(within May)

The production crew also enjoy decorating everything with the devils we love.

Like on Halloween, the function to decorate the lobby icon with a single devil's theme will be added.

The icon packages for all devils won't be there from the start, but the icons of all devils will definitely be added.

Eighth

The addition of line stickers(once registration is complete)

We are preparing line stickers of each devil version.

First off, Ppyong's stickers are ready and we are getting ready to register. It is not up to us to decide whether it will be able to register so we can't give you an exact timeline, but barring any major issues, you should be able to see them in the first half of the year. We will also be creating a number of opportunities for you to join the devils outside of the game this year.

[Pricing system reform]

Once again, we sincerely thank you for finding Hell despite its many shortcomings.

We will continue to improve the parts that inconvenience you in Hell's environments you experience.

So, here is our promise of 2024 to make your experience more comfortable.

First

The function to 'select' when summoning an L grade character (within February)

We confirmed that you have been working hard to get your hands on L grade devils, and we have seen how

frustrating it can be when you have reached your number of guaranteed acquisition but can't get the devil you want more.

Therefore, the production crew discussed this to be the improvement that should be made first.

Now when L grade characters are newly released, you can select the character you want once you

reach the number of guaranteed acquisition.

Moreover, we sincerely understand and apologize for the frustration of those who didn't get their limited characters.

In the interest of equity, we can't directly give you the angels you didn't get, but we have added a system to make it

easier to get Solomon's Seals with the promise of a definitive reprint of the angel characters.

Second

Monthly acquisition of Solomon's Seals (within February)

We have confirmed that people who play the game 100% for free don't have the opportunity to get an L grade character, and that makes them feel a great sense of loss.

We have made all of our stories available for free for those who want to play for free, but we empathize that the devils, especially the touchable ones, tempt you so strongly that it is difficult to resist.

Therefore, players who play for free can also obtain 500 Seals per month through various activities such as quests and attendance.

Third

Pancake Shop renewal (within March)

We have received a lot of feedback about the efficiency of the Pancake Shop and how getting S grade characters and artifacts with pancakes just isn't that much fun.

Also for 100% free-to-players, one of the largest opinions was to to give them the opportunity to

earn L grade characters when they obtain duplicate L grade and S grade characters, even if it costs much currency.

While it is impossible for us to listen to 100% of the feedback we receive, we have been working hard to make sure we are listening to you as much as possible, which is why we are announcing a complete renewal of the

Pancake system and prepare the opportunity to obtain L grade characters.

(1) The Pancake Shop will now be upgraded to the Nightmare Pancake Shop, and free-to-play players will now be able to obtain L grade characters through the Nightmare Pancake Shop.

With the addition of the Nightmare Dungeon and the Realm of the Seraphim, you will need to develop a variety of characters. Gold and Tomes will be much more important, and you will need to be more efficient with limited action power.

As a result, duplicate acquisition of B/A/A+ grade characters will now grant Gold and Tomes, and duplicate acquisition of S grade and L grade characters will grant <Nightmare Pancakes>.

(2) <Nightmare Pancakes> will be used in purchasing goods in the newly opening <Nightmare Pancake Shop>.

In the Nightmare Pancake Shop, you can purchase a monthly rotation of <L grade characters> and <L grade character artifacts>, <exclusive stickers to decorate your chat room profile>, <in-game icon design packages>, and

<Solomon's Tears>.

(Through fun planning, we will continue to add novel and adorable goods.)

(3) The <Pancakes> you already own can be used to purchase items from the existing Pancake Shop, or exchanged for <Nightmare Pancakes> - currency that can be used in the Nightmare Pancake Shop. (*Not at a 1 to 1 ratio.)

This is an upgraded version of the Pancake Shop that we have been working hard to continuously bring you as many opportunities as we can.

Not all functions are immortal, and we are planning to listen to many opinions again after implementing the shop.

Through the renewal of the Pancake Shop, we hope you obtain more efficiency and opportunities.

Fourth

Adjustment of the price of the Nightmare Pass (within March)

The Nightmare Pass was designed to give players a chance to get a guaranteed L grade character and a lot of paid items for a fraction of the cost.

However, there were various opinions ranging from the Pass being cheap to too expensive due to exchange rate

differences between countries (in some cases due to the dual conditions of exchange rate and app store).

One thing we know for sure is that most players had a blast.

We want you to enjoy your visit to Hell, so we have decided to price the Nightmare Pass a little lower than it is now, taking into account currency differences between countries.

We will announce the exact price again.

However, we respectfully ask for your kind understanding that it takes a lot of time and effort to bring

L grade characters to you, including the artwork, Live2D, stories, comics, and voice acting, so we can't just make them too cheap.

[Improvement of environment]

First

Adjustment of staging time of Ultimates (within February)

While we wanted to maximize the spectacle of combat through fancy staging, we found that the pacing of

combat can be a bit sluggish for those who are already used to staging.

The scenes in which the characters' faces appear will be reduced to 1/2.

Second

Enjoying event story illustrations (within March)

We accept wholeheartedly the feedback that after watching an event story, it is very sad not to be able to see the illustrations after the event story period.

You can now rewatch the illustrations you enjoy in the future event stories you meet in the existing album.

Third

Addition of a Boss skill window (within March)

We hear your feedback that when a boss angel appears, it is hard to respond because you don't know what skill they use.

Boss angels will now have skill icons next to the angels, and you can tap on it to see the skill they use.

However, there are bosses that intentionally do not expose their skill icons in some places for the sake of difficulty.

Fourth

Faster announcements

We recognize that announcements about new character additions and release schedules do not give you enough time to prepare, or even make you feel anxious.

To explain the situation so far, the <evaluation> takes a very long time unlike other games, and it is very difficult to confirm the release date.

This is because even if we announce our release date well in advance by the standards of other games, 2-3 weeks can easily pass if we get rejected only a few times.

But this is not a situation that our players should have to deal with, and it is something we must solve.

For a safe announcement, we are planning to update only the main story and minigame in January without releasing new sub stories, new S grade characters or L grade characters.

We will be pulling about two months' worth of evaluation for new characters that are tied to evaluation, so we'll be able to give you a stable schedule ahead of time once we have the results of the evaluation.

We realize that not releasing new characters can be boring for our users. But if you could understand that this was a very difficult decision for us to make, we'll be working harder in the month of January to ensure that we're able to give you stable announcements.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for finding Hell once again.

We would like to say that although we do have many shortcomings, but we never made decisions to give you bad experiences.

And that we'll never stop, and that we'll continue to think and listen every day to keep things moving in the right direction.

We wish we could use large staff to make faster improvements and respond to more voices in real time, but we are deeply sorry and saddened that we can't.

We will repay your love with a production crew that will answer your questions as quickly as we can.

You are the most valuable and appreciated part of the production crew's experience.

Though it may be slow, Hell will not stop. It will become more experienced and faster.

Thank you always.

Link of the website:

http://whb.prettybusy.kr/

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

We have been away for the weekend to visit d2 and to celebrate Mothers Day. d3 didn’t come as she has exams this week so stayed at home to revise.

The weekend has had some really lovely bits but also some really stressful bits, and the really stressful bits are overwhelming and leave me feeling so exhausted and drained. H seems to be in this phase where he doesn’t pay attention when driving, last month he randomly crunched into the side of another car as he parked because he didn’t see it, and then on Saturday he was doing a three point turn and reversed at full speed into a high kerb and scrunched the exhaust. Like literally the exhaust pipe that should be horizontal now has a kink in it and points at the ground. Then when he drove the car after that, there’s an ominous squeaking form underneath the car like something is loose.

This nearly sent me over the edge, I am all like “the exhaust is going to fall off and how are we going to drive four hours home and the car is doomed” and H is like “ah well there’s nothing we can do about it just now” and I’m like “that’s exactly my issue!! there is nothing we can do about it it!! And we are stuck with this situation that leads to certain doom!!” I don’t know how to get myself out of situations like this, my anxiety just runs riot and takes me over so I go into a shutdown spiral. I had to self medicate with alcohol to even get back to minimal functioning. I do try and do a bit of CBT on myself and think about what evidence is there that my worst case scenario will happen, and what might the best case scenario be etc but it just has minimal impact.

Then at the end of last week, H’s phone died. This was an entirely predictable event that I have been telling him to get a new phone ordered for the last couple of weeks before this exact scenario happened, but of course he left it to the last minute grrrrr. So now his phone has died and we cannot communicate when apart. So in the complex situation of checking out of air bnb, retrieving the car from a mile away and collecting d1 and d2, he went awol and I couldn’t get hold of any of them to find out what was going on, and none of them thinks how I might be feeling and therefore they should let me know. So I got in another anxiety spiral thinking of the worst case scenario.

Anyway I probably sound really whingy but these things are really difficult for me and make me feel really sad that nobody in my family thinks or cares enough to take the care of me that I take of them, and then I’m expected to be all happy and cheerful about my Mother’s Day treat when I’m actually feeling sad and invalidated. I did manage to say how I was feeling and we all did some repairing and then I put my negative emotions to the side and enjoyed the lovely and thoughtful treat that my girls had bought for me.

If you were friends with me on Facebook you would just see all the highlights and it would look like I had an amazing weekend being spoilt, which I did, but its only half the story. This is the other half.

[werehounded]

My biggest medical gaslighted experience was my ces (cauda equinasyndrome). I went to a and e 4 times before they took me seriously. Two walk in centres. And my own GP. And finally I went to a and e for the 5th time in a week

And they basically made me wait in a plastic chair for 8 hours while they found a consultant who could read my spinal mri, the whole time saying 'oh its nothing like ces it's sciatica ces is so rare you don't have that!'

Smash cut to me being immediately lay down on a spinal board 8 hours later after they FINALLY read my scan properly. Couldn't piss or poop, couldn't control it, at all, and I wet myself because they refused to catheterise me despite me saying 'I cannot pee or control when I am peeing'. I get bluelights and sirens up to stoke at gone 1am. Next morning at 6am I was in surgery after the consultant there told me I had the worst ces he'd ever seen

And he deals mostly with that kinda thing, it's his specialism which is why I was sent there.

So for literally 3 months I was gaslit, but mostly in a week near my op, being told my cocodamol was sufficient pain relief, I didn't need morphine/butec/fentanyl/etc strong opioids for pain, that I was faking my foot turning in and me falling over constantly and that my pain couldn't be a 10/10 because I didn't have a limb hacked off or wasn't in childbirth.

I know, it sucks. I did complain but as usual it went nowhere despite being medical negligence.

My surgeon was amazing though. He got me all my bladder and bowel function back, and most of my leg issues are OK ish now but I get massive muscle and nerve pain and fatigue both sides but esp my left side which was most effected. I also have a numb left foot and toes, and a numb half a leg lol

But my surgeon saved me from a life of catheters, bed pans, and adult diapers, and saved me from maybe needing to have bowel resection and possible ostomy too. Not that there is shame in ANY of those things but if I could retain my continence, I wanted to, yknow?

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. If you have a nagging doubt. If you think something is badly wrong. Even if you have to be a NUSIANCE to everyone. Make sure someone takes you seriously. Even if it IS 'nothing' at the end of it all. You deserve the tests and scans and bloods to find that out. Don't be a victim of medical gaslighting like I almsot was.

[snotsloth]

August Reading Log

My August was full of political machinations, capricious gods, trauma recovery, and outrageous amounts of slow-burn mutual pining, yes even in the smutty books. I finished seven books this month and DNFed one. Overall, I had a great time and I’m excited to continue several of the series that I started. 

First off, I finished Godkiller by Hannah Kanner. This is book one of The Fallen Gods series and it was a fun fantasy adventure with good characters and an interesting world. Kissin, one of the main characters has very strong Geralt from The Witcher vibes, and she, along with Skedi, a minor god of white lies were my two favorite characters. It was quite short for an adult fantasy, so in some ways, it felt more like a teaser than a full novel, but it still packed in some cool world-building details and set up a larger quest for our protagonists along with a mystery to solve. So I’m invested enough to keep reading the series. I’ve already purchased the second book, Sunbringer.

Meanwhile, I listened to The Obelisk Gate and The Stone Sky, written by N. K. Jemisin and narrated by Robin Miles. These are the second and third books in The Broken Earth trilogy that started with The Fifth Season. I had previously listened to the first few chapters of The Obelisk Gate but then lost steam and set it aside. This time I was determined to finish the whole series and god, it was so worth it. 

Some people will tell you that The Fifth Season can function as a standalone and while they are technically correct, the first book is just the tip of the iceberg. You don’t understand even half of what is actually going on until you are at least a few chapters into The Obelisk Gate, and most of the real answers and resolutions don’t come until The Stone Sky. This series as a whole is a masterpiece of narrative structure, world-building, and character-building. It is so worth the effort it takes to finish all three books. 

After Godkiller and The Obelisk Gate, I was in the mood for something more romantic, so I picked up A Strange and Stubborn Endurance by Foz Meadows. This is one of the most beautiful love stories I have ever read. Val is possibly the most sympathetic, multi-dimensional, nuanced depiction of a sexual assault victim I’ve ever seen. And it’s within a larger story about slowly becoming a happier, healthier, kinder, and braver version of yourself when you are suddenly removed from a hostile environment and placed in one where you can thrive in the open. I think one of my favorite quotes from Val sums it up really well, “I have lived a cramped life, it seems. So shy of having my greatest indiscretion discovered that I seldom dared indulge in the simpler ones.” 

Moving directly from such a tender love story to a filthy monsterfucker romance might seem unhinged. But the heart wants what the heart wants and I wanted A Bone in His Teeth by Kellen Graves. I went in expecting eerie atmospheric coastal settings, a smattering of the kind of delicious body horror only non-cis people seem able to write, and lots and lots of freaky genderfucker monster smut, and boy howdy this book delivered on all that, and then some. What I was not expecting was a surprisingly tender love story about two people who could never quite fit right into the unjust systems they were born into and chose to burn it all down for the chance of finding a way to fit all their jagged, broken edges together. Alba is my favorite protagonist of any book I’ve read this year, and Eridanys is a literal force of nature with two dicks and a thirst for human flesh in more ways than one. This is Graves’ best book yet and I cannot wait to read what they publish next. 

Riding the high of several delightful books in a row, I started Silver Under Nightfall by Rin Chupeco with confidence that I had another banger on my hands. With vampires, body horror, a gloomy atmosphere, and a poly romance, this book had a lot of elements that I expected to love. However, the clunky prose, sloppy world-building, and meandering plot so drastically reduced my enjoyment of the book that I abandoned my read at 70%. 

Needing a palette cleanser after that, I turned to a guaranteed hit and picked up A Restless Truth by Freya Marske. And Marske did not miss! This is the sequel to A Marvelous Light which I read earlier this year and loved, so I was excited to pick it up. Marske is a master of character-driven smut, a.k.a. Sex scenes that serve a purpose to the story and reveal aspects of the characters we would not otherwise know. The setting and core murder mystery were also excellent and kept the plot moving at a decent clip. Maude had been one of my favorite side characters from the first book, so having her as one of the main characters really worked for me. Her love interest, Violet was charismatic and brought her own interesting baggage both to the plot and to her romance with Maude.  On the craft level, Marske is one of my favorite authors working today. Her prose is so bright and evocative in both its emotional and physical details. Her settings are lush and full of historical easter eggs. And her characters breathe with multi-dimensional life. I have one book left in The Last Binding series and I will probably devour it this month, seeing as it just arrived in the mail this week.

My final read of the month didn’t quite measure up to A Restless Truth, but I still had a fun time with Winter’s Orbit by Everina Maxwell. This was another arranged marriage romance set against a backdrop of courtly intrigue, espionage, and a fantastical setting, except this time it was a space opera instead of a historical fantasy. I thought Maxwell struck a good balance between romance elements and space opera elements. The settings were appropriately grand and gorgeous in scale and the political web was an effective tangle of different conflicting interests with no clear immediate solution. However, I felt that the two main characters lacked dimension and uniqueness. I fear part of the problem was that I had so recently read A Strange and Stubborn Endurance, and Winter’s Orbit just could not stand up to the inevitable comparison. Still, it was an easy, entertaining read that kept me engaged while stuck in bed on a sick day. Maxwell has a second book set in this universe and I think I will probably pick it up at some point.

Overall, it was a great reading month with only one dud. For September, I have a few books I know that I want to get through. While I don’t keep a strict order to my TBR, I know I want to finish The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri for my local book club (I’m about ⅓ of the way through at the moment). I am also still listening to A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine, which is really starting to pick up in the second half. One of my most anticipated reads of the year, Reclaimed by Seth Haddon arrived in the mail this week, along with the conclusion to The Last Binding trilogy, A Power Unbound by Freya Marske. So, while I’m not certain of what I’ll finish this month, I have a few suspicions of what I will gravitate towards. 

Hope you all had as good of a reading month as I did. Let me know what your best book of the month was and what you thought of any of the books I read this month. If you pick up any of the books I recommended, please let me know your thoughts. I’m especially excited to talk to anyone else who reads A Bone In His Teeth. It was such a unique read!