#I CANNOT FUNCTION FOR LITERALLY HALF THE MONTH

[fractallogic]

Please join me in admiring the hilarious disparity between the number of books I’ve read so far this year vs. the number of PAGES I’ve read this year, courtesy of the 1000-page tome I finished this morning

And yeah the next three non-work books I have on deck are each about 700 pages (two fantasy and one contemporary hockey romance????? Wtf is she writing about for that long????????) (don’t worry I’m starting it tonight so I’ll be able to report back soon), so… given my reading proclivities I should have set the page goal higher than the estimate given by the app. Lmfao. But still.

Anyway you should use StoryGraph if you want to use goodreads but don’t want to support Amazon and would rather support a black-owned, woman-owned independent app!! And if you want fun graphs about your reading! And thematic reading challenges! And you can import your goodreads data!

[nothingnowherenow]

I really like my job, it pays well and the work environment is like not a hellscape. However everytime I remember I have to work (for the rest of my life!!!) I do consider driving into the side of a building

[dhampir-dyke]

[littlegreenfag-archive]

Regarding @littlegreenfag

Tldr: Adina, known by the Tumblr urls littlegreenfag and prksoda, has spent the past several years lying about many facets of their life. The list of lies includes, but is not limited to, being half manouche Romani, being Jewish, and being descended from Holocaust survivors.

I never wanted to have to do this. I’ve spent months trying my best to encourage Adina to come clean themself. My methods were not ideal. I should not have used anonymous messages. I used to be friends with them, I should've talked to them openly as their friend. I also should’ve attempted to be less aggressive at times, even though I think it is incredibly reasonable to have felt the way I felt when I was sending some of those messages. I understand and regret both of these things. Unfortunately, since Adina has deactivated @littlegreenfag, I cannot provide links or screenshots to every ask of mine that they responded to, only those I saved at the time. I will do this later, upon request. This post is already going to be enough of a monster without them.

Though the last day has been a complete nightmare, I am satisfied with one thing: Adina came clean about everything, even if not publicly. My worry was always with the though of having to reveal their personal information, as many of the things they’ve lied about would require me to, functionally, dox them. Though it's technically all public, I would much rather that no one who doesn't already have access to this information gain it.

So, why am I writing this post? For those of you who were on Adina’s blog last night, you may have seen this post. I was also able to save a capture of their blog on the Internet Archive. Here is a screenshot that I took around when the post was first published. Apologies for the formatting.

To summarize, Adina begins to by admitting to a small lie, that they were born in Chicago, before admitting that they had been lying about their race. Though it was not present at the time of the blog's deletion, I would like to note that Adina had the phrase "jewish and half-romani" in their blog's bio for a very long time. This phrase was quietly removed after I sent the first anon message telling them that I was aware of their lies, on March 16th 2024. This can be seen on the Wayback Machine, by looking at the capture taken on March 5th, 2024, in comparison to the capture taken on March 24th, 2024.

That is what you may have seen. However, it is not the only major lie Adina has told. After suggesting Adina should turn off anons, I sent them another ask with my blog name visible, telling them that I could tell everyone about the other lies for them, if they wished to log off and be done with it. They messaged me privately, and this is the resulting conversation.

I apologize for the block of images, but I figured it was necessary to include the entire conversation. Here, Adina openly admits to not being Jewish. Adina has spent months receiving social benefits for claiming to be Jewish, and they've even used this claim to support arguments. Truth be told, Adina has one Jewish great-grandfather. How Adina expected me to believe they would know about this without knowing his surname, I will never know. However, I should emphasize that Adina is not Jewish by the standards of any main movement of Judaism. Orthodox and Conservative look for an unbroken line of Jewish women, while Reform asks that you be raised Jewish by a Jewish parent. Adina is descended from a Jewish man who converted to Catholicism and raised his children Catholic.

Regarding the Holocaust claim, I understand hat Adina did not directly address this. I will say that I find it suspicious that they deactivated as soon as I mentioned it, but they technically never confirmed it was a lie. However, with the information that:

The ancestors they mention as being survivors or victims quite literally do not exist and

Their Jewish ancestor was born in the United States well before WWII

I believe it is quite safe to say this was also a lie. My screenshots of their claims come mostly from their Reddit account, which is now deleted.

It is absolutely ghoulish to me to create fake relatives so that you can pretend they were tortured and killed during the Holocaust. All to receive sympathy.

Though there are many, many other lies Adina has peddled, such as being a child of divorce and having a dead biological mother, I don't think any of them matter much in the grand scheme of things when these are the other lies that have been told.

It is also worth noting that this is a pattern of behavior from Adina. As some of you who followed them may know, back in 2019, a blog was created with the intent of calling them out for lies. Frankly, this blog, @prksodalies , is what put me on to Adina's trail in the first place. Though I believe that several of the things Adina was accused of on this blog are downright cruel to accuse someone of without evidence, the fact that there were so many smaller obvious lies made me very uneasy. What specifically made me curious was the post, here, where Adina claims that they are half Lebanese. Obviously, this did not make a ton of sense with the half Roma and half Ashkenazi Jewish Adina we all knew. As it turns out, this was one of the very few shreds of truth from Adina. They're a quarter Lebanese on their father's side, and other than that and a Jewish great-grandfather, are of mostly Polish and German descent.

This being a pattern of behavior, alongside the way Adina behaved in messages with me, tells me that this will likely unfortunately not be the last time this person creates a Tumblr blog with a fabricated life story. I feel immense guilt at the thought that they may continue to swindle and hurt people, and that I will never know or be able to help again.

To everyone who was friends with this person and has been hurt by their actions, I am truly, truly sorry. This has been an absolutely miserable experience for me and I can't imagine it's much different for any of you. If you have questions, I'll be available for a least a few hours. I do not want to share any of their personal information, but I will share what I need to (privately) if some of you need or want more information.

[vakarians-babe]

After a historic 6 week strike, the Temple University Graduate Students Association - the first graduate worker union in Pennsylvania - has WON.

When we went out on January 31st, I don’t think any of us thought that we would end up here. This was a long and arduous process that could never have been accomplished without everyone involved—and I do mean everyone.

Numerous news outlets have been reporting throughout the whole strike, but I’d like to run through what, exactly, it is we’ve done.

After well over a year of negotiations (we went to the table in January of 2022 after the administration delayed responding to our RFIs for months) and more than a year without a contract (it expired on February 15, 2022), we were stuck with an administrative team whose position was, resolutely, “we are happy with the contract as it is.” Their belief was that teaching and research assistants, who facilitate—at a conservative estimate—approximately one-third of all instructional work here on campus were “not a core function of the university.” Pay was structured around a tier-based system that generated inequity as part of its structure which ultimately manifested as race and gender based wage gaps, and that pay averaged out between 19k and 20k for the majority of our bargaining unit. We had only five days of parental leave in the event of childbirth. To cover a single dependent on the dependent healthcare plan required an individual to spend approximately 30% of their paycheck. There had been no substantive raises or adjustments for the cost of living since our first contract as a union.

During the strike, Temple university cut our healthcare and revoked tuition remission, attempting to break us through punitive bills and threats. They quite literally threatened peoples’ lives in addition to their livelihoods. International students were threatened for daring to exercise the rights they have as visa holders to engage in protected concerted activity. They attempted to break our will and our organization.

They failed. We didn’t.

On Monday, voting on a second tentative agreement closed. The contract negotiations team and the executive board unanimously endorsed that TA. It passed at an overwhelming 98% vote among our members. That TA, which will now become our contract, did the following:

Eliminated the tier system completely

Brought our pay up to 24k at the beginning of our contract, reaching pay of 27k by its end in 2026

Introduced 25% dependent healthcare coverage which, in addition to the pay raises, lowers the burden of single dependent care to just about 18% of one’s paycheck instead of 30%

Increased parental leave to 21 days

While this contract is not the most perfect contract, it is one of the largest single contract wins in recent history. It signifies an incredible amount of organizing power and it opens the door for future negotiations that will make TUGSA even stronger.

But more importantly, this strike and this contract are incontrovertible proof that graduate worker unions can win. They are proof that we can do it, and that administrations cannot expect to silence us through retaliation. We are stronger than them.

The fight doesn’t end here. The union of graduate workers, faculty, postdocs and more at Rutgers University has passed their strike authorization vote. The graduate workers at Duke University are fighting for their right to be recognized as employees, and that fight will soon be passed up through the nation to challenge rulings made at the National Labor Relations Board. Graduate workers at other universities in Pennsylvania and the Philadelphia area are moving to unionize. TUGSA continues to organize—our next contract negotiations will begin in less than two and a half years. Now is the time to support graduate workers. We cannot backslide. We have to fight for each other, because when we fight, we win.

[i-wheeley-like-you]

Ronance headcanons!!

Nancy once gave Robin a ring and Robin has never ever taken it off. She point blank refuses to take it off and when she's asked where it came from she gatekeeps that information.

Nancy is CUDDLY!! She is so scared of Robin disappearing like Barb did that she literally never lets Robin out of her sight and if she can, she will be touching her in some way.

They both struggle to say 'I love you'. Nancy struggles because of her parents disfunctional marriage and Robin struggles because she genuinely cannot express how she feels ever.

The first time they did the deed they were both so confused and decided that 'whatever happens happens'.

Sometimes Robin just stares at Nancy until Nancy acknowledges it. Then when Nancy does acknowledge it she gets nervous and looks away.

Nancy is a thief. She steals any old clothes that Robin has showed even a small amount of boredom for. Robin doesn't mind, she thinks they look better on Nancy anyway.

The first time Robin saw Nancy in a swimsuit she was not a functional member of society for a solid half hour. This was the same vice versa.

They both equally need reassurance and sometimes get upset with eachother when they don't get it. Robin needs assured that Nancy isn't just experimenting with her and Nancy needs assured she isn't just being used.

Steve was initially kinda mad at Robin for breaking 'bro-code' and dating his ex... but eventually he came around.

If Robin/Nancy were to go missing in season five, the other would FREAK OUT. I feel like Nancy especially would do everything in her power to find Robin in fear it would be another Barb situation.

They have drastically different music tastes but somehow manage to agree on music for every single car ride.

Nancy initiated the first kiss and Robin was genuinely astounded.

They're both equally protective of eachother. If someone makes Nancy upset, Robin will go ballistic. Despite usually being quite chill and laid back, she would definetely smash a car window or slash a few tires. Nancy on the other hand just straight up threatens people who make Robin even the slightest bit upset.

Robin is a major passenger princess for MONTHS until she finally gets her license and then she starts returning the favour of Nancy driving her everywhere.

They are both jealous. Like very jealous.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

I’m not British so sorry if this is a stupid question and 8’m struggling to phrase this intelligently, but is there a limit of how many people can be the replacement prime minister before they have to have a vote? Like I can understand a rule where they can just nominate someone from their party to replace them (although in my mind that should only be applicable if there was a death or some sort of illness that makes them unfit and not incompetence) but when is there a vote?

I'm pretty sure I discussed this before but I have that specific brand of ADHD laziness rn where I feel like it's quicker to type it out again than just. Look for the post. So eh, c'est la vie, here I go again

So the legal answer is no, there's no limit. This is because when we vote in Britain, what we're voting for is a Parliament - you are electing your local MP, nothing more. One of the parties gains a majority of seats - or, if parliament is hung, two or more will enter into a coalition to gain a majority between them - and then that party constructs a Cabinet to form the actual government which then makes laws and shit. And they can change that Cabinet as much as they want and at any time, and that does include the party leader i.e. the Prime Minister.

However.

(However.)

The situation is unprecedented. It is extremely rare, anywhere in the world, to see one of the parties in a two-party system disintegrate into ashes. Minor third parties? Sure, those come and go. Rocked by scandals? Oh yeah, very common. Crumble to dust so completely they're very literally incapable of governing because every ounce of energy is going towards yelling and scheming while they all commit political suicide one by one? No.

Like I cannot stress enough that they haven't actually achieved anything in MONTHS. Except, memorably, obliterating the economy and vastly expanding the national debt. So far, all Sunak has done is try and undo what Truss did, and all Truss did was try and undo what Johnson did. They have done NOTHING new. Almost every issue the country is facing, for good and ill, has been on a back burner for half a year. Barely even looked at. Ignored. Functionally, there is no government, and hasn't been for about eight months.

And to put it into perspective, the last time leaders changed this much between GEs was the second world war. And that time the middle guy (a) died and (b) lasted longer than Truss anyway. And on top of that, the third guy was Winston Churchill, who got the job because there was a coalition government at the time, and he was the one Labour were most willing to work with - meaning, there was at least one group (and in reality more than one) who actually wanted him in the position and voted for him, unlike Sunak, who stole the job because literally no one else wanted it. We are in uncharted territory, without a map.

So while legally there is no limit on leader changes...

How long will the public put up with it?

That's now the question.

[hussyknee]

Guys, Z-library is back up, but it desperately needs our help.

Z-Library is one of the largest online libraries in the world. We aim to make literature accessible to everyone. Today, Z-Library contains over 12,140,413 books and 84,837,000 articles Z-Library has many servers all over the world. Our stored data now totals more than 220 TB! Every month, millions of people use Z-Library for their purposes — and that means we are on the right track. But it will be difficult to achieve our goals without your help.

As you may know, almost all public domains of the library were blocked in November 2022 by order of the US Secret Service. The inner infrastructure of the project suffered some substantial damage too. Today, we are still under unprecedented pressure. At the moment, Z-Library is going through the hardest times in all the 14 years of its existence. The library might work with interruptions, and we ask you to be patient. Be sure – we are doing everything possible to provide free access to knowledge for millions of people across the globe, and we expect you to help us with that and to support us.

But despite all the difficulties, the library continues to function and develop. We have recently introduced several important features: the new recommendations section, comments to booklists, the new web-site menu, personal domains and Telegram Bot, and more.

Your active support gives strength to our Team and inspires to work. Each donated dollar is not only money for us, but it is also the confidence that you really need our project!

On 15 March 2023, as in March and September of each year, we launched additional fundraising to project maintenance and development. We will be extremely thankful for every dollar that will be donated. Furthermore, UNLIMITED downloads (for 1 month) are available for ALL contributors who will donate during the fundraising period. The fundraising will run until 1 April 2023

Millions of people use Z-Library every month for their purposes — this shows us that we are on the correct track. But it will be difficult to achieve our goals without your help.

Please consider making a donation.

I know there's a lot of discourse around book piracy right now, but you know who absolutely cannot afford to buy your books in dollars, afford the shipping fees, or don't have access/ travelling distance to the kind of fully stocked libraries you have in the West? The Global South. Our factories make your Kindles, your phones, your textbooks, and then we can't afford to buy them from your corps that sell them at around 300% grate price, and half the books are not even available for our region. Our universities don't get your funding or recognition, and when we do sell our personal possessions to get the money and work our asses off to get admittance to Western universities, y'all use us as grunts, exploit us and pass our work off as your own. Worse still, you buy out our local publishing houses and shut them down.

You cannot imagine the extent of global apartheid and colonial economic order that capitalism runs on. Amazon cheats you out of royalties? We can't even afford to buy your books. A dollar can buy someone a full dinner here. These sites – Z-lib, Internet Archive, Libgen, Open Library, Sci-Hub, PDF Drive, LibriVox – they are essential to granting the global majority our human right to knowledge, education and access. Z-Lib is by far the best one of them all.

You will first need to sign up to Z-Lib and access it through the private domain link they send you. It's a simple process, and every little bit counts. You're a leftist that believes in equal access for all? Then literally, put your money where your mouth is.

[d34dlysinner]

Prettybusy Updates/promises for the future. Year 2024

I literally took this from their website so. This was posted today: 10/01/2024.

Hello, this is Prettybusy.

Since the release of <What in Hell is Bad?>, many people have found Hell to support us and tell us what could be improved.

We are most apologetic that we cannot reply to all the voices.

But even when we weren't able to respond to everything, we still read every email, made sure we didn't miss anything,

and kept the production crew together for ongoing discussions.

We would like to apply many new things to Hell, but here's our first response to your voices,

summarizing what we can realistically expect to see in 2024.

More info about content, pricing and improvement of environment under the cut.

[Addition of contents]

Life goes on forever.

To those of you who come to find <What in Hell is Bad?>, we hope to be with you for new stories and new events.

So, here are some new content that we promise to add.

First

The addition of a new main story - Chapter 5 - (within January)

Hell's next story will be added.

What will be added in the new main story are main story episodes including battles, Minhyeok's story, and Hell's chatrooms.

We aim to add new chapters once every 3 months.

Second

The release of the minigame <Catch Minhyeok's Boxers> (within January)

Minhyeok's boxers have flown away in the wind! It is a game where you catch boxers floating in the sky with Ppyong who is armed with shibari.

To satisfy your desire to earn paid currency, we will add a minigame that allows you to randomly farm items alongside light gaming.

You can obtain not only Lesser Keys and Greater Keys, but also Solomon's Seals if you're lucky(!)

Third

The addition of new daily chats (within February)

The interest of all devils which you can see once a day. Daily chats will be added.

We are aiming to add daily chats steadily once every 2 months.

Fourth

The addition of the Friends system(within March)

You are not alone now...!

Adding friends gives you the ability to earn additional items, see what characters your friends have that you don't, and show your profile to other friends.

Fifth

The addition of Realm of the Seraphim(within March)

The closed <Realm of the Seraphim> of the Dark Sanctuary will be opened.

You can now enter Gabriel, Raphael, and Michael's realms to fight them.Similar to the Nightmare Dungeon, you can only face them if you fulfill the conditions, and while it will be a scarier battle, you will be rewarded with better items.

What's unusual about this is that you won't exchange items through an exchange, but rather you get the

items you loot from their realms immediately after the battle.

Sixth

The addition of a birthday system(within April)

The devils understood the human world's <celebration of birthdays>.

Now, the devils will congratulate the day you were born, the most unusual being in Hell.

Devils who are on good terms with you will contact you, and also prepare presents with their hearts.

Seventh

The addition of decorating the lobby icon(within May)

The production crew also enjoy decorating everything with the devils we love.

Like on Halloween, the function to decorate the lobby icon with a single devil's theme will be added.

The icon packages for all devils won't be there from the start, but the icons of all devils will definitely be added.

Eighth

The addition of line stickers(once registration is complete)

We are preparing line stickers of each devil version.

First off, Ppyong's stickers are ready and we are getting ready to register. It is not up to us to decide whether it will be able to register so we can't give you an exact timeline, but barring any major issues, you should be able to see them in the first half of the year. We will also be creating a number of opportunities for you to join the devils outside of the game this year.

[Pricing system reform]

Once again, we sincerely thank you for finding Hell despite its many shortcomings.

We will continue to improve the parts that inconvenience you in Hell's environments you experience.

So, here is our promise of 2024 to make your experience more comfortable.

First

The function to 'select' when summoning an L grade character (within February)

We confirmed that you have been working hard to get your hands on L grade devils, and we have seen how

frustrating it can be when you have reached your number of guaranteed acquisition but can't get the devil you want more.

Therefore, the production crew discussed this to be the improvement that should be made first.

Now when L grade characters are newly released, you can select the character you want once you

reach the number of guaranteed acquisition.

Moreover, we sincerely understand and apologize for the frustration of those who didn't get their limited characters.

In the interest of equity, we can't directly give you the angels you didn't get, but we have added a system to make it

easier to get Solomon's Seals with the promise of a definitive reprint of the angel characters.

Second

Monthly acquisition of Solomon's Seals (within February)

We have confirmed that people who play the game 100% for free don't have the opportunity to get an L grade character, and that makes them feel a great sense of loss.

We have made all of our stories available for free for those who want to play for free, but we empathize that the devils, especially the touchable ones, tempt you so strongly that it is difficult to resist.

Therefore, players who play for free can also obtain 500 Seals per month through various activities such as quests and attendance.

Third

Pancake Shop renewal (within March)

We have received a lot of feedback about the efficiency of the Pancake Shop and how getting S grade characters and artifacts with pancakes just isn't that much fun.

Also for 100% free-to-players, one of the largest opinions was to to give them the opportunity to

earn L grade characters when they obtain duplicate L grade and S grade characters, even if it costs much currency.

While it is impossible for us to listen to 100% of the feedback we receive, we have been working hard to make sure we are listening to you as much as possible, which is why we are announcing a complete renewal of the

Pancake system and prepare the opportunity to obtain L grade characters.

(1) The Pancake Shop will now be upgraded to the Nightmare Pancake Shop, and free-to-play players will now be able to obtain L grade characters through the Nightmare Pancake Shop.

With the addition of the Nightmare Dungeon and the Realm of the Seraphim, you will need to develop a variety of characters. Gold and Tomes will be much more important, and you will need to be more efficient with limited action power.

As a result, duplicate acquisition of B/A/A+ grade characters will now grant Gold and Tomes, and duplicate acquisition of S grade and L grade characters will grant <Nightmare Pancakes>.

(2) <Nightmare Pancakes> will be used in purchasing goods in the newly opening <Nightmare Pancake Shop>.

In the Nightmare Pancake Shop, you can purchase a monthly rotation of <L grade characters> and <L grade character artifacts>, <exclusive stickers to decorate your chat room profile>, <in-game icon design packages>, and

<Solomon's Tears>.

(Through fun planning, we will continue to add novel and adorable goods.)

(3) The <Pancakes> you already own can be used to purchase items from the existing Pancake Shop, or exchanged for <Nightmare Pancakes> - currency that can be used in the Nightmare Pancake Shop. (*Not at a 1 to 1 ratio.)

This is an upgraded version of the Pancake Shop that we have been working hard to continuously bring you as many opportunities as we can.

Not all functions are immortal, and we are planning to listen to many opinions again after implementing the shop.

Through the renewal of the Pancake Shop, we hope you obtain more efficiency and opportunities.

Fourth

Adjustment of the price of the Nightmare Pass (within March)

The Nightmare Pass was designed to give players a chance to get a guaranteed L grade character and a lot of paid items for a fraction of the cost.

However, there were various opinions ranging from the Pass being cheap to too expensive due to exchange rate

differences between countries (in some cases due to the dual conditions of exchange rate and app store).

One thing we know for sure is that most players had a blast.

We want you to enjoy your visit to Hell, so we have decided to price the Nightmare Pass a little lower than it is now, taking into account currency differences between countries.

We will announce the exact price again.

However, we respectfully ask for your kind understanding that it takes a lot of time and effort to bring

L grade characters to you, including the artwork, Live2D, stories, comics, and voice acting, so we can't just make them too cheap.

[Improvement of environment]

First

Adjustment of staging time of Ultimates (within February)

While we wanted to maximize the spectacle of combat through fancy staging, we found that the pacing of

combat can be a bit sluggish for those who are already used to staging.

The scenes in which the characters' faces appear will be reduced to 1/2.

Second

Enjoying event story illustrations (within March)

We accept wholeheartedly the feedback that after watching an event story, it is very sad not to be able to see the illustrations after the event story period.

You can now rewatch the illustrations you enjoy in the future event stories you meet in the existing album.

Third

Addition of a Boss skill window (within March)

We hear your feedback that when a boss angel appears, it is hard to respond because you don't know what skill they use.

Boss angels will now have skill icons next to the angels, and you can tap on it to see the skill they use.

However, there are bosses that intentionally do not expose their skill icons in some places for the sake of difficulty.

Fourth

Faster announcements

We recognize that announcements about new character additions and release schedules do not give you enough time to prepare, or even make you feel anxious.

To explain the situation so far, the <evaluation> takes a very long time unlike other games, and it is very difficult to confirm the release date.

This is because even if we announce our release date well in advance by the standards of other games, 2-3 weeks can easily pass if we get rejected only a few times.

But this is not a situation that our players should have to deal with, and it is something we must solve.

For a safe announcement, we are planning to update only the main story and minigame in January without releasing new sub stories, new S grade characters or L grade characters.

We will be pulling about two months' worth of evaluation for new characters that are tied to evaluation, so we'll be able to give you a stable schedule ahead of time once we have the results of the evaluation.

We realize that not releasing new characters can be boring for our users. But if you could understand that this was a very difficult decision for us to make, we'll be working harder in the month of January to ensure that we're able to give you stable announcements.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for finding Hell once again.

We would like to say that although we do have many shortcomings, but we never made decisions to give you bad experiences.

And that we'll never stop, and that we'll continue to think and listen every day to keep things moving in the right direction.

We wish we could use large staff to make faster improvements and respond to more voices in real time, but we are deeply sorry and saddened that we can't.

We will repay your love with a production crew that will answer your questions as quickly as we can.

You are the most valuable and appreciated part of the production crew's experience.

Though it may be slow, Hell will not stop. It will become more experienced and faster.

Thank you always.

Link of the website:

http://whb.prettybusy.kr/

[dndmomquotes]

I don't take Adderall but Ritalin. Adderall patients are desperately getting switched to other drugs so those are starting to be scarce. I was able to get 18 days of my 30 day script filled. I've been on these meds for over 18 years and am terrified. I literally cannot function at all without them. Be careful my adhd tumbles. Scary times are ahead. I've been through this before. Tips :

Ask for partial fills. Call other pharmacies and don't ask about script stock but explain you're having problems filling script. Alot of pharmacies volunteer they are out. Ask about dosage if you take one 20 mg ask if you'd have better luck getting 10mgs. Work closely with your doc. Worse case try non stimulant treatment with supervision..Try half doses if it gets real bad. Tell your employer and loved ones what is going on. Be kind to yourself. You can't do it all or white knockle it. Ask for help on the tasks you can't do. Be safe. Don't try to buy black market. They are dangerous and fakes. Mexico has a shortage too so don't bother. Don't have drugs mailed to you. It's prison time. We can make it through. Shortages last about 3 months or so then there is an influx. I've done it before a few times and as a mom I'm telling you: it will be okay!!

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

We have been away for the weekend to visit d2 and to celebrate Mothers Day. d3 didn’t come as she has exams this week so stayed at home to revise.

The weekend has had some really lovely bits but also some really stressful bits, and the really stressful bits are overwhelming and leave me feeling so exhausted and drained. H seems to be in this phase where he doesn’t pay attention when driving, last month he randomly crunched into the side of another car as he parked because he didn’t see it, and then on Saturday he was doing a three point turn and reversed at full speed into a high kerb and scrunched the exhaust. Like literally the exhaust pipe that should be horizontal now has a kink in it and points at the ground. Then when he drove the car after that, there’s an ominous squeaking form underneath the car like something is loose.

This nearly sent me over the edge, I am all like “the exhaust is going to fall off and how are we going to drive four hours home and the car is doomed” and H is like “ah well there’s nothing we can do about it just now” and I’m like “that’s exactly my issue!! there is nothing we can do about it it!! And we are stuck with this situation that leads to certain doom!!” I don’t know how to get myself out of situations like this, my anxiety just runs riot and takes me over so I go into a shutdown spiral. I had to self medicate with alcohol to even get back to minimal functioning. I do try and do a bit of CBT on myself and think about what evidence is there that my worst case scenario will happen, and what might the best case scenario be etc but it just has minimal impact.

Then at the end of last week, H’s phone died. This was an entirely predictable event that I have been telling him to get a new phone ordered for the last couple of weeks before this exact scenario happened, but of course he left it to the last minute grrrrr. So now his phone has died and we cannot communicate when apart. So in the complex situation of checking out of air bnb, retrieving the car from a mile away and collecting d1 and d2, he went awol and I couldn’t get hold of any of them to find out what was going on, and none of them thinks how I might be feeling and therefore they should let me know. So I got in another anxiety spiral thinking of the worst case scenario.

Anyway I probably sound really whingy but these things are really difficult for me and make me feel really sad that nobody in my family thinks or cares enough to take the care of me that I take of them, and then I’m expected to be all happy and cheerful about my Mother’s Day treat when I’m actually feeling sad and invalidated. I did manage to say how I was feeling and we all did some repairing and then I put my negative emotions to the side and enjoyed the lovely and thoughtful treat that my girls had bought for me.

If you were friends with me on Facebook you would just see all the highlights and it would look like I had an amazing weekend being spoilt, which I did, but its only half the story. This is the other half.

[icedmetaltea]

Yesterday was ok, today anxiety's been awful again...

(rambling abt anxiety and nonsense venting below)

felt dizzy/bit of vertigo throughout the morning and when I checked my BP it was 154/108 so that scared the shit out of me... I took a bit of propranolol and that seems to be helping but I'm worried bc when I asked about what a dangerous BP was my stepdad said 160 and up and that's uncomfortably close. The last time it was high it was only like 140/90 so this was really scary

I called the number the crisis ppl give me from a resource sheet on friday again since I never got a response after leaving a message on monday but this time they told me to call yet another number and they said I couldn't get any kind of help till I came to their office to fill out some forms and like??? I CAN'T LEAVE MY FUCKING APARTMENT

Do these people never get ppl with severe agoraphobia?? The last time I had a full-on panic attack I screamed at the top of my lungs and had to call 911 to get ppl to calm me down so I'd stop hyperventilating, you want me doing that in public again??????

Anyway she told me I can call the supervisor and see if she could make an exception in my case BUT ofc she wasn't available and I had to leave a message, no clue when I'll hear back and when I do I doubt she'll even be able to help me

I fucking hate this system. This is why so many people kill and hurt themselves. When they are lost, when there's nowhere else to turn. When the crisis ppl come they give you a whole list of resources but what is there for people like me who are stuck at home, broke, unable to work bc they literally cannot function like this when it gets this bad every couple of months (sometimes more frequently)

it's either go to a psych ward where they'll pump you full of meds that'd just give me the same "locked in" panic attacks which trust me are far worse than toughing it out at home where at least it isn't bright and loud and horrible or face shit on your own

I thought it was starting to get better, yesterday I cooked 3 meals for myself, I went outside and sat on the step for 5 mins, today I can't get out of bed bc every time I try the room spins. Even when I'm laying down like this it's bad. Even if I close my eyes it's bad... I slept better last night and I thought I was doing well but no, midway through the day everything's horrible again. I keep feeling out of breath no matter how many deep breaths I take... other times I feel like there's "too much air" and I'm breathing too fast and can't slow it down... how do I even describe it??

I feel like I'm going insane but at the same time I know it's been this bad and worse before. I remember my childhood. I remember laying on the floor struggling to breathe, alone. I remember begging god to take this sensation of dread to go away, or to just let me die. Anxiety has a habit of always seeming... idk unfamiliar? No matter how many panic attacks you have, they always feel new

and what's worse is I can't even remember how I eventually always overcome these phases bc I ground rule growing up stemming from OCD I had at the time was I wasn't allowed to write anything in a journal bc it was "bad luck" or something (at the very least my OCD isn't nearly as bad these days) Idk if it takes days, weeks or months to get better. If I spend half a year or longer just waiting for things to get better then like um... it kinda becomes a quality of life issue, doesn't it?

Idk maybe it's the weather. It's 65 rn, yesterday it was mid forties, so maybe that's it. Well then I'm fucked bc it's only gonna get warmer as it approaches summer, and ya know climate change and everything wooooo

Doesn't help that the past two times when my stepdad witnessed me having those really bad attacks he said I should go to a padded cell or something... I know where he grew up there was no such thing as mental illnesses or therapy, only "crazy and not crazy", but damn it hurts. At least my bio dad understood what was going on to some extent. He knew anxiety was out my control, that I was going through it but that it didn't make me "crazy", just that my body was reacting physically to something seemingly unsurmountable on a mental level.

My stepdad was even surprised when I told him anxiety is the second most common mental illness nation-wide. I've talked to many other bad anxiety-sufferers, the reason you don't see us outside a lot is bc most of us are inside afraid to leave our houses! We're literally just trying to survive in bodies with malfunctioning nervous systems and in a society that literally is built around causing stress on a daily basis- on normal people, so just think about how that is if you literally have the being-stressed-out disorder my guy

it also seems like whenever I talk to my mom about this she tries to immediately talk about something else. Like I messaged her earlier today and when I brought up feeling dizzy and having a high BP she just said "Sorry you're having a challenging day! We're at the library getting library cards. Libraries are nice!" like sure some ppl like talking about light hearted stuff to distract them but sometimes I just need someone to be there and listen, you know? All it does is make me clam up and bottle all my emotions in, which ofc makes it worse.

I'm scared to check my BP again. I feel like there's something terribly wrong with my body but it's not as if I can see a doctor if I can't 1. afford it till medicaid processes or 2. fucking go to the doctor. You want me to have another one of those soul-crushing panic attacks and shriek around some stranger in an uber?? Hell no

So yea idk what to do. I have a math test this weekend and I've barely studied at all, can't get myself to focus on anything. I can't drop out again, I've already failed this class twice. I don't think they'd let me take it again and I'm pretty sure I've run out of financial aid to pay for it

Ofc mom and dad are gone, my sister said she'd visit me the other day but "forgot" to, so I'm alone. Completely and entirely alone.

The one thing I have going for me is the PMDD won't start up for another week or two so at the very least I have a will to live rn. Anxiety and depression usually go hand-in-hand but since it's just anxiety atm I'm still able to have the motivation to cook and clean when I'm not ya know unable to get out of bed bc my heart is beating out of my chest

When it does come back, well... I'll keep those crisis numbers on speed dial. I've survived all this horseshit, I might as well make it worth something. Idk maybe the thing I'll keep living for rn is a fucking pet fish someday. I have to hold on to every tiny thing that gets me through the day bc there is a chance, even if extremely slim, that things will in fact get better

[defeateddetectives]

9 Fandom Peeps to Get to Know Better

thank youuu @coquelicoq for the tag! yes this is an entire month late because of who i am as a person :'D

3 ships you like: actually gonna give some real estate to the ones i have NOT been rotating nonstop on this space like a rotisserie chicken lately to mix things up!

1) hiyakawa/mikado (the night beyond the tricornered window) - a plug for my tiny, spooky, hilarious and obscure af manga series that blindsided me with its pathos (and because i want everyone to read it and then create some very niche fan-content for me specifically! :D wait who said that!) emotionally oblivious loser 4 emotionally oblivious loser!!! except they're emotionally oblivious in fun, complementary ways! their whole journey is absolutely bonkers and unexpectedly heartfelt, and yes, exorcism should be this hot always!

2) natsume/tanuma (natsume yuujinchou) - i know that no one will believe me when i say that this is still THE natsume yuujinchou ship to me at the end of the day! something something if i loved it less i might be able to talk about it more! but lonely kids finding one another and making each other's lives SO MUCH BETTER solely for existing in each other's orbit and being such a paragon of healthy, functional communication and trust and growing connection that still floors me to this day (and with such courage and eloquence that most adults still cannot manage...i say...sideeyeing two v specific adults)!!! theirs was the thread that pulled me into the series to begin with (i literally just watched all the tanuma eps on first pass) and i'm still so grateful for them and everything about them

3) jack rackham/anne bonny (black sails) - platonic/queerplatonic/romantic/whichever combo or other nebulous way you slice it! THE soulmates of all time that haunt me on the regular and really said to the audience: watch us take your expectations and definitions and parameters of love, joyfully smash it to smithereens, and create something so tremendously unrecognizable and beautiful. truly partners till they put us in the fucking ground!!!

first ship ever: the first fanfic i stumbled upon in my life featured taichi and yamato from digimon adventure. i still remember this because it was interspersed with an edit of yamato in a dress and posted on ye olde personal webpages and shown to me by a school friend, both of us looking like the :o face incarnate. we were Babies. it was a Time. i don't even think i knew what a ship was at the time but hashtag formative things!

last song you heard: it's been a grimes & janelle monae - venus fly kinda day

favourite childhood book: soft spot for whitechurch by chris lynch forever. i think i read it maybe in high school? it rewired my brain and is probably a huge part of why i am the way i am/write the way i do subconsciously.

currently reading: does vi bullying me into danmei count? in which case, global examination....at snail's pace. in this house we love and appreciate a good arson!

currently watching: recently started rewatching the original a:tla for the first time since it finished airing after trying and failing miserably with the live action :( only a few episodes in but augh its still so good and some things hit even harder with foreknowledge. there will never really be another character arc like zuko's ever again.

currently consuming: a smoothie! i've discovered i am a fan of almond butter when dunked in a blender with berries, yogurt and milk. 11/10 would recommend!

currently craving: earlier today i was daydreaming of bbq so let's go with that

super low pressure tagging @endless-season @half-infinite @argyros @fadedclxssic @caroline-hill @kastellaran @doubleboyfriend @constastan @spookirou and as always, everyone is welcome to steal

[genericpuff]

Same anon as before talking about writing stuff and worrying about if people will find it (but not the same anon as the other asks before that) - I think many people who are budding writers and artists have these concerns and bring them to you because you A). Are a creator yourself so you know what you're talking about in a verified sense and B). Idk about other anons but some of us (like me) take your reasoning (and critique) in regard to writing seriously because of your experience and how you analyze stuff such as LO.

I think at least some of us (again I can't speak for everyone nor can I or should I) wants to make sure they're not making mistakes such as the ones RS does in writing.

Also I might just take you up on your offer of Zelda fanfic - I do so love LoZ 😅.

ugh god, am I y'all's role model now or smthing? why would you do that to yourself (ㆆ_ㆆ)

okay but jokes aside, obviously people can't help who they look up to and I'm not gonna be a dick if y'all look up to my work and what I do here, just remember also that you're not obligated to agree with everything I say or take it to heart, you also shouldn't take my analysis of LO and how it's written/drawn personally because so much of that analysis is within the VERY specific definitions in which LO exists, definitions that don't really apply to many other webtoons on the platform. If there's anything I say or criticize LO for that speaks to you and your own work on a certain level, try not to take it as a direct personal attack towards you and more just like... if the things I'm saying about LO feel like they apply to your work, take it as advice for improving your own craft.

Or don't! You can literally ignore me and do what you were gonna do anyways. I literally cannot take that away from you and you absolutely shouldn't let me. I have no real power over anyone here, that's what I mean when I say I'm just a guy participating in their hyperfixation so don't feel like you gotta take me too seriously lmao

Also, yeah, okay, I'm a webcomic creator myself, but to put myself on the cross for once - I've never succeeded at this gig. Rekindled is the most consistent audience I've had in years, I think the last time my work was in a banner rotation was in 2015 (and it wasn't on WT), and I somehow make something like $20/month off Patreon. I've had small victories along the way, it hasn't been all bad, but this isn't my living and chances are low I'll ever find mass success with it. Everything I said about not taking my opinion too seriously because I'm just a random Internet guy applies to people like Rachel as well, while I criticize her work on the basis of it being a commercial product that should know better and I DEFINITELY harp on her for a lot of shit, at the end of the day she's in no way obligated to pay even a second of attention to me because she's made way more money in webcomics in the last 2-3 years than I could ever dream of making in the 10 years I've been doing this, that's something I can't take away from her and that was never the goal when it came to discussing her work. All I have to show for my own efforts is experience and rhetoric, and a few odd readers who have been around so long I wonder why they even still follow me LOL I am your typical "can never live up to the success of those who they criticize" chronically online shitposter. I don't think I should have to be on Rachel's level to be able to discuss her work, mind you, that's half the function of an audience to begin with, but it's not like I have any real legitimacy in this industry that you should worry about what I have to say. It's not like I'm capable of robbing Rachel of her awards or the money she's made lol

And by all means, go ahead and look for my fanfiction stuff, but I'm not providing any eye bleach because I wrote it when I was like, 13 years old, so search at your own risk lmao

(and if you do find it, no you didn't （︶^︶）/hj)

[snotsloth]

August Reading Log

My August was full of political machinations, capricious gods, trauma recovery, and outrageous amounts of slow-burn mutual pining, yes even in the smutty books. I finished seven books this month and DNFed one. Overall, I had a great time and I’m excited to continue several of the series that I started. 

First off, I finished Godkiller by Hannah Kanner. This is book one of The Fallen Gods series and it was a fun fantasy adventure with good characters and an interesting world. Kissin, one of the main characters has very strong Geralt from The Witcher vibes, and she, along with Skedi, a minor god of white lies were my two favorite characters. It was quite short for an adult fantasy, so in some ways, it felt more like a teaser than a full novel, but it still packed in some cool world-building details and set up a larger quest for our protagonists along with a mystery to solve. So I’m invested enough to keep reading the series. I’ve already purchased the second book, Sunbringer.

Meanwhile, I listened to The Obelisk Gate and The Stone Sky, written by N. K. Jemisin and narrated by Robin Miles. These are the second and third books in The Broken Earth trilogy that started with The Fifth Season. I had previously listened to the first few chapters of The Obelisk Gate but then lost steam and set it aside. This time I was determined to finish the whole series and god, it was so worth it. 

Some people will tell you that The Fifth Season can function as a standalone and while they are technically correct, the first book is just the tip of the iceberg. You don’t understand even half of what is actually going on until you are at least a few chapters into The Obelisk Gate, and most of the real answers and resolutions don’t come until The Stone Sky. This series as a whole is a masterpiece of narrative structure, world-building, and character-building. It is so worth the effort it takes to finish all three books. 

After Godkiller and The Obelisk Gate, I was in the mood for something more romantic, so I picked up A Strange and Stubborn Endurance by Foz Meadows. This is one of the most beautiful love stories I have ever read. Val is possibly the most sympathetic, multi-dimensional, nuanced depiction of a sexual assault victim I’ve ever seen. And it’s within a larger story about slowly becoming a happier, healthier, kinder, and braver version of yourself when you are suddenly removed from a hostile environment and placed in one where you can thrive in the open. I think one of my favorite quotes from Val sums it up really well, “I have lived a cramped life, it seems. So shy of having my greatest indiscretion discovered that I seldom dared indulge in the simpler ones.” 

Moving directly from such a tender love story to a filthy monsterfucker romance might seem unhinged. But the heart wants what the heart wants and I wanted A Bone in His Teeth by Kellen Graves. I went in expecting eerie atmospheric coastal settings, a smattering of the kind of delicious body horror only non-cis people seem able to write, and lots and lots of freaky genderfucker monster smut, and boy howdy this book delivered on all that, and then some. What I was not expecting was a surprisingly tender love story about two people who could never quite fit right into the unjust systems they were born into and chose to burn it all down for the chance of finding a way to fit all their jagged, broken edges together. Alba is my favorite protagonist of any book I’ve read this year, and Eridanys is a literal force of nature with two dicks and a thirst for human flesh in more ways than one. This is Graves’ best book yet and I cannot wait to read what they publish next. 

Riding the high of several delightful books in a row, I started Silver Under Nightfall by Rin Chupeco with confidence that I had another banger on my hands. With vampires, body horror, a gloomy atmosphere, and a poly romance, this book had a lot of elements that I expected to love. However, the clunky prose, sloppy world-building, and meandering plot so drastically reduced my enjoyment of the book that I abandoned my read at 70%. 

Needing a palette cleanser after that, I turned to a guaranteed hit and picked up A Restless Truth by Freya Marske. And Marske did not miss! This is the sequel to A Marvelous Light which I read earlier this year and loved, so I was excited to pick it up. Marske is a master of character-driven smut, a.k.a. Sex scenes that serve a purpose to the story and reveal aspects of the characters we would not otherwise know. The setting and core murder mystery were also excellent and kept the plot moving at a decent clip. Maude had been one of my favorite side characters from the first book, so having her as one of the main characters really worked for me. Her love interest, Violet was charismatic and brought her own interesting baggage both to the plot and to her romance with Maude.  On the craft level, Marske is one of my favorite authors working today. Her prose is so bright and evocative in both its emotional and physical details. Her settings are lush and full of historical easter eggs. And her characters breathe with multi-dimensional life. I have one book left in The Last Binding series and I will probably devour it this month, seeing as it just arrived in the mail this week.

My final read of the month didn’t quite measure up to A Restless Truth, but I still had a fun time with Winter’s Orbit by Everina Maxwell. This was another arranged marriage romance set against a backdrop of courtly intrigue, espionage, and a fantastical setting, except this time it was a space opera instead of a historical fantasy. I thought Maxwell struck a good balance between romance elements and space opera elements. The settings were appropriately grand and gorgeous in scale and the political web was an effective tangle of different conflicting interests with no clear immediate solution. However, I felt that the two main characters lacked dimension and uniqueness. I fear part of the problem was that I had so recently read A Strange and Stubborn Endurance, and Winter’s Orbit just could not stand up to the inevitable comparison. Still, it was an easy, entertaining read that kept me engaged while stuck in bed on a sick day. Maxwell has a second book set in this universe and I think I will probably pick it up at some point.

Overall, it was a great reading month with only one dud. For September, I have a few books I know that I want to get through. While I don’t keep a strict order to my TBR, I know I want to finish The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri for my local book club (I’m about ⅓ of the way through at the moment). I am also still listening to A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine, which is really starting to pick up in the second half. One of my most anticipated reads of the year, Reclaimed by Seth Haddon arrived in the mail this week, along with the conclusion to The Last Binding trilogy, A Power Unbound by Freya Marske. So, while I’m not certain of what I’ll finish this month, I have a few suspicions of what I will gravitate towards. 

Hope you all had as good of a reading month as I did. Let me know what your best book of the month was and what you thought of any of the books I read this month. If you pick up any of the books I recommended, please let me know your thoughts. I’m especially excited to talk to anyone else who reads A Bone In His Teeth. It was such a unique read!

[choctalksalot]

@tipsygnostalgy HELLO HI UH THIS IS AN INCOMPLETE VERSION. i snipped out some bits because im throwing down anxiety in.the ring even posting this. im frankly a little embarrassed i can't give everything tonight even what i have down as okay to upload is not my top form at all, im just really really excitedaaaa i'll probably reblog the lovers post with a complete version eventually, but for now this is the best thanks i can offer for the nigh lethal dose of dopamine you've shot into my skull.

apologies in advance for my verbosity it's chronic

im posting dirk's half first because i definitely talked too much on jake's. it's almost double the length. i think it's partially because ive chewed through dirk so much i can make it through a considerable amount of his sections without dissolving completely. and i'm impatient!

note: my interactions with philosophy are limited to the two month bonanza i spent when i was 14 which i barely remember due to my general memory issues because my philosophy teacher was shit at his job and i took matters into my own hands, and uh. dirkjake! and one character from one other fandom. yeah. i am a nerd who loves breaking shit down, i love information, and i love philosophy nonetheless but i am So unqualified to be doing any of this

entry 1:

can i scream? i'm screaming. out loud. in real life. holy two fucks and a half. what do i even say it's So Good. dirk could excuse his inadequacy with the minute comfort that the brother he idolizes is functionally perfect in a way he could never conceivably live up to be. everything is shattered when he meets a version of him who is on the same footing. Yes. i literally have a post typed up about it.

im copypasting a small segment here but it's so close to exactly what you said im almost unnerved. mostly excited tho i am SHAKING

the most devastating thing to know is that dave is just a guy. dave strider, 16 year old. human and flawed and still enough in ways dirk never could be. what he did for his team his friends the things dirk couldn't, he is made to serve and no matter how hard dirk tries he cannot live up to be the same because this is not his role.

words? words. that's so much many words.

this is not his class. he is doomed to be selfish, his thread is already in the tapestry and he falls right into the path no matter how much he fights it. what can be counted as him indirectly the plot was created at the service/detriment to himself (hal) and what is himself directly aiding his party is in fact orchestrated by other more helpful, more selfless people and he hates it so much.

YES IT'S EXACTLY THAT RIGHT THERE RIGHT RIGHT THERE dirk is so so So aware that he is selfish that he cannot help the people he cares about oh so deeply and the knowledge that dave on his own, after being hurt so much "more" than dirk direct abuse he was able to pull through, he was still enough. shit man !!!!!!!

funnily enough i think dirk might have been able to learned new skills to do with his classpect besides the passive narrative bend it has on everything he does to destroy. this is entirely theory but your classpect and your development with it helps you develop as a person. it's like a muscle if you think about it; the more you use it, the closer you get to its core, the more you learn to bend ithad he tried to use it (resisting the urge to say like dave did because that will stomp on the shattered pieces of my heart) i think he would have gotten a bit more control over his position in the narrative if it makes sense.

ironically, i think learning how to direct the destructice force his classpect gives him might have allowed him to get a hold on said narrative bending, and stop unintentionally wrecking shit. but doing Anything as a prince is the last thing dirk wants.

(god it's so tragic this theory is so tragic without it dirk was always doomed to the inevitable but with it he could have done better in his eyes nevermind that destruction of selves isn't always bad if you know how to direct it, see bgd @ aranea, but it literally requires him to take the path he's trying to hard to fight. you define how your classpect changes you. oh dirk.)

i think a lot about this if you can't tell

FUCK IM GETTING OFF TRACK. STOP OKAY CAN THE THEORIES FUCK.

[insert 2 paragraphs more of me screaming about the katana line hally lieu yeah]

entry 2:

HAL MY FAVOURITE KENTUCKY FRIED FUCKER HELLOOOO HELLO OOHOHOGO

god my old hyperfixation on deep learning models is coming back to bite me in the jungular. delightful slash gen

dirk does love his control mhmm mhmm god im gonna go dig up that picture my friend sent me once one sec

that's who he wants to be. so badly

he Hates not understanding shit prides himself on being the (im quite sure it's part of how he gauges his use. he has a very utilitarian view on it. being the one to pull the strings thus being useful by virtue of organizing their success. proceeds to eat gcatshit trying)

i think a part of why dirk insists so fucking much that hal is Not him and Not alive could be one of two 2 reasons, beyond the already tangled pumpkin patch of conflict.

1) not taking credit for hal's contributions. the fact that hal has served the team without dirk's direct orders + dirk's objective pride about being the puppetmaster, he wouldn't want this tied to him

i doubt this one honestly, it's incoherently explained on its own because it's really late but also it just there's a lot of holes in the logic here. the second one breaks my heart a little:

2) if he accepts hal to be sentient, he has to accept he has created a new conscious person. he cannot cling to any notion that he did help his friends, he created an intelligent AI and that tool he made in turn was used to aid and guide his friends. he is still in control here. he still helped, he built that bot and it helped.

right?

[cutoff point 2. im rushing. im so sorry ajsjaj]

entry 3:

killing me

"He likes emotion, he likes people, he just wants to be completely perfect when interacting with them so that he’ll never lose them." YES. YES. YES YES YES yes okay yes exactly Yes

this is one of the things i headbutt against in dirk fandom stuff a lot (even borzoi's take once i think correct me if im wrong) it's the fact that i think dirk likes people. he's been alone his whole life yet he delights in dialectics and dialogue, he's socially awkward and introverted but he's not socially averse. i am not gonna let myself run over the hills and far away with this tangent but i am hushdhsj AAAAA

what he doesn't like is feeling inadequate interacting with people. he doesn't like being inadequate in general he reflects on his flaws near constantly and the biting reminder of his alternate selves' sins in the back of his mind doesn't help, but with people he Cares About interacting with them he does not like not knowing what to do, he does not like being unable to navigate these situations. he likes being human and experiencing emotions and connection and he hates the fact that it requires error to the trials, he just wants to be entirely logical while still having a metaphorical right brain totally not a big thing to ask for ahshdhskjrh[explodes]

AHAAAAA SISYPHUS YYYES YES YRS EYSBEYDHHWHEHSHEHD FUCK YES oh man i am much more a theatrical literature person so this is ringing off bells in the wrong direction than intended but im reading reading reading chewing

"upon facing the question of the absurd in the fullest extent, one can either choose to kill themselves or make a ‘reply.’" hogh

two roads: become god, or kill yourself. jesus fuck that's a screwed up twitter thread if ive seen one. and of course he picks the secret third option: Both. absolute DiStri Moment™

fuckitweballkind that's joining my regular vocabulary holy shit your language is amazing

this feels like an extension of dirk's dilemma between subjective experience with objective control; coming to grapple with the unpredictability of his absurdist existence and his solution being to take control of the narrative entirely. i feel like there are a lot more dots i could connect here. i will sleep on this

[addition i feel is important even though it has minimal connection as of right Now:

roxykisser put out something about classpects and the ult self being the literal narrative very recently and how they tie into the narrative and it's That it's that. my take is partly influenced by past fandoms but it has always ruined me that in order to god tier, quite literally, you're killing the person you were before the embrace the narrative role. you the actor are giving up your freedom to the performance, and the closer you get to your classpect the more you embrace the narrative. in return, you gain more flexibility and control in said narrative, more ways to use your classpect. to become the ult self is to become the role. you kill the person, you become the role, but at the cost of your self, your mind may be driven by the consciousness of an amalgamation of every You, but your core is now your role.

im incorporating and altering this with my consumption]

really hope this is like at least mildly entertaining i have no idea what im doing but!!!! I Am So Abnormal About Everything i love this i love you i love love this so Much