#Why am i able to understand the need for a seperation between my mental and physical issues

[b-0-ngripper]

We need to gatekeep cripplepunk

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hi, I know you're catching a lot of flak right now for your comic, and I just want you to know that it's justified. Saying that you need a seperate pride without kink to "feel safe" is actively homophobic. Everything you described happening at the "good pride" also happens at normal pride just alongside the parties. Gay kinksters CREATED pride, we literally wouldn't be allowed to celebrate it without them. You can't give conservatives even an inch on this. "there should be prides without kinks for people like me" may be the extent of your thoughts but it is so easy for others to jump off from there into "all prides should be without kink" and other measures to control queer bodies in public. Please do some research into the origins of pride and see if you can still stand by your mistake

I'm actually not catching a lot of flak, I thought I was gonna, but people are being understanding of what I'm trying to mean, and I'm very grateful for that!

I didn't want to picture any specific pride as "good" or "bad", sorry if it came across this way, that means I did my drawing job badly. All I wanted to do was give visibility for my own experience.

Apologies also if I came across as homophobic – please know that wasn't my intention either, although I've kind of got that before – being called homophobic for being asexual and having my own needs be about... Welp, not needing sex, and not needing romance, while the goal of most other orientations is to show OTHER kinds of sex and romance. I want to believe these aren't incompatible goals, but I guess sometimes they can be.

...What I should say is, if we're going there, saying an asexual person doesn't have the right to want to feel safe and included in SOME LGBTQIA+ events seems pretty aphobic to me.

I 100% agree with your point that sadly there will definitely be conservatives who'll take this need as "all prides should be without kink", or take comics like these the wrong way. But I think if you're accusing me of saying exactly that, instead of the nuanced and more neutral message I'm trying to give, you're basically falling into the same mentality as they are. I believe for there to be intelligent progress for human rights for everyone, people should be able to read between the lines and understand that there are complexities that should be taken into account. If they can't take into account these complexities without ruining it all for everyone, then that leaves me with little hope for any of us to begin with.

As far as the origins of pride are concerned, I'm not denying that at all either, and that should be recognized. Again, like – I think it's absurd that we live in a world that's so explicitly heterosexually kinky on a 24/7 basis (in our movies, our TV shows, our ads, our societal habits, ALL of it) and that some people are trying to say LGBTQI+ people shouldn't be allowed to be explicitly kinky in the same way. All I'm saying is – for sex-repulsed asexuals like me, not being kinky IS what feels safe, and if I can't find events where I can feel that kind of safety, and where I have to force myself to smile and nod to stuff that makes me feel unsafe no matter where I go, I'm pretty much in the same self-repressed situation as I'm in every day in a heteronormative world. Hence why I said I'm glad pride has come so far that some of them can be inclusive even for people like me. That such things can coexist. That I believe they should.

I should also note (I might be wrong on this, please anyone correct me if I am) that asexuality as an orientation started actively being coined in the US only in the 70s (and that came much later in a majority of other countries), and we got our first flag only in 2010. Which means the first prides by nature could not be inclusive for us because we were too scared/repressed by societal norms to even have come out yet. And just like (in my country at least) what was formerly called "Gay pride" is now called simply "Pride", and just like the pride flag has evolved to include more minorities and realities of experiences within the LGBTQIA+ community, I believe it's a good thing if prides can also evolve in that sense. It has become our tradition by now as a community largely speaking, and I think traditions ought to know to evolve as well – if they didn't none of us would be allowed to exist at all and we'd all be still stuck in hetero norms. Maybe in the future things will evolve to the point where there's a variety of prides that cater more to some orientations than others (I think that may be already happening?). And maybe, hopefully, someday in the future, prides as a way to raise awareness won't be needed at all anymore because people already know and accept it. Though sadly we're still not at that point now...

...With that said, to conclude, I ought to give the Paris Pride another chance again focusing on like, before the parade begins, or after it concludes, to mainly attend the conferenes and speeches and whatnot and find what works for me in those those. Maybe that's the better way for me to experience this.

[wispforever]

if youre still doing the character thing, how about spirit or marie?

I sure am. How about Spirit And Marie? Both wonderful characters. I’ll do Marie first, then Spirit. Thanks for the excuse to infodump, really. You people are too kind.

Marie Mjolnir

My first impression of Marie was the same impression I get of most female characters in anime. It’s either “why do their clothes have to look like that” or “oh god here comes the obligatory sexist heteronormative romance”. For Marie, it was more of the second. They mention in the same episode she’s introduced that Stein is her “first love”, which told me that if she had a large place in the plot, her assigned male counterpart around which to orbit would be him. Though I’ve never read the Soul Eater manga, I believe they do end up getting together there (I could be wrong). Whatever the case, I was relieved that Marie’s and Stein’s relationship (though heavily implied to be romantic, at least on Marie’s side) was left open to interpretation in the anime. I’m just very sick of cool badass female characters like Marie being reduced to the man they pine after. So, I guess my first impression of Marie and my impression of her now are largely the same. While I appreciate the moments we get to see her strengths and ability to operate on her own, I do think that her character really suffers because of the whole sexist “oh gosh all I want is to find a husband and retire” “oh my I have to take care of Stein” like okay, I had enough at the cat girl smothering Soul with her humungo-tits. I had enough at sexualizing underage girls and women in general. I had enough at making sexual harassment a punchline. That being said, when we push all of the shitty writing to the side, I admire Marie for her strength and how she interacts with the children, Crona in particular. Which leads me to my favorite moment(s).

The relationship Crona and Marie have interests me the most, since I’m really drawn to the parallels between Marie and Medusa. As parental figures (and as characters), they’re about as different as you can get. As Crona’s mother, Medusa is obviously abusive. Along with being negligent, she abuses Crona mentally, emotionally, and physically. In general, Medusa is a person who doesn’t appear to value interpersonal relationships, putting it nicely. She instead is more focused on her own interests, often to the detriment of those around her. Crona is Medusa’s only immediate family (besides Arachne who she is estranged from), and so they suffer the most from her refusal to show even a shred of human decency or warmth. They suffer especially because they are her child, meaning they’re stuck with her essentially, and repetivie abuse between family members like a mother and child often becomes complex because of the necessity of having a parental figure in your life to support you as you grow up. Medusa teaches Crona that their boundaries don’t matter and that they are only good as long as they are useful and do as they’re told. This is what makes Marie’s influence on Crona so cool to watch. Marie is caring by nature, loving and nurturing by nature. Her very wavelegnth is healing. She is kind and does what’s right reflexively. Marie is the exact embodiment of what Crona always needed but what, even upon being rescued by the academy, still felt so foreign to them: unconditional love. Crona struggles to understand why the other kids helped them, why Maka felt the inclination to stop their battle and save Crona instead by trying to understand them, why the kids are still so kind to them even after everything. They do not understand that love is not a bargaining chip. It isn’t leverage in an argument. It’s not a tool for emotional manipulation. Love is caring for the people close to you, just because. Love for the sake of love. The other kids and teachers at the academy are the ones who are able to pull Crona out of all Medusa’s lies, and Marie is a Huge part of that. Even though I have greivances with this being the largest part of her character and what that implies for female characters in general, it doesn’t stop being so beautiful to me that she could help Crona heal in this way. Marie = best mom for the win

Most of the story ideas I have for Marie involve her relationship with Crona or Stein. Say, this covers my unpopular opinion too. I don’t like Stein and Marie as a couple, but I really enjoy writing them as friends, because even though I don’t really jive with them being together romantically, I think their dynamic is an interesting one to explore because they Are so different.

Getting into that a little bit more, I’d like to start by saying I don’t care if other people like Stein and Marie being a couple. That’s great doods, keep doing you. The fanart’s adorable, the meta’s fantastic. Whoever you are, SteinMarie shippers, ffs keep kicking ASS. This is just my preference and opinion. Zero shade in this house. That said, because of my frustrations about Marie’s character I discussed in the first paragraph, I don’t like the idea of her and Stein being together romantically. It’s really a classic sexist trope: the troubled man and his sweet nurse. I’m also just fed up in general with the hetero-nonsense, so there. However, they are both wonderful characters that I enjoy very much seperately. Also, I think it’s worth mentioning that I’ve only seen the anime, so I can’t speak for the manga as far as their relationship or Marie’s character in general.

Oh shit I accidentally already talked about this one lmao [see the second paragraph]

One headcanon I like to think about when I’m writing Marie is that she likes women (in addition to men or not) and she struggles with comphet. Just something interesting I like to think about. It’s really fun for me to take characters who have been written as pining or had 10 million failed relationships and be like “say what if they can’t find a husband cuz really what they really need is a wife”. I’ll talk about that more with Spirit inevitably.

Spirit Albarn

My first impression of Spirit, obviously him being a cheater, really came with a lot of distaste. I come from a family that was torn apart by infidelity, among other things, so it really rubs me the wrong way. However, his saving grace for me was that he genuinely loves his daughter. It appears that, whether it’s played for laughs or not, he just can’t find fulfillment in his romantic relationships. The reason is left up to the veiwers. Spirit, ultimately, is not just a shitty person, which is how most cheaters are protrayed in media. “Well, they cheated because they don’t care if they hurt people”, “they cheated because they are shit and that’s it”. That’s a fine explanation if you plan to do nothing with whatever character you’re describing, but Spirit is relatively recurring and is shown to be neither mean-spirited or emotionally unintelligent. It bothers me that his cheating and routine sexist behaviour isn’t taken seriously enough to be a subject that Soul Eater tackles and deals with. But that’s fine. I’ll just do it myself. At any rate, I still feel that same way about Spirit’s character, but I find it intriguing that he seems to genuinely want to become a better father and is actually a pretty good dad when it comes to his interactions with Maka. If Soul Eater had been brave enough to develop him more, maybe delve into the reasoning behind his impulsive romantic affairs, I think Spirit as a character could have been done more justice. It seems to me that he could be suffering from some of that wonderful compulsory heterosexuality that I mentioned before, then becoming confused when the woman he claims to love leaves him feeling empty. Rattling my gay little cage

When I think of my favorite moments with Spirit, I think of his moments with Maka, but I’m gonna hold off on that until I get to favorite relationship(s). In reference to what I talked about in the first paragraph, one moment I find really interesting when I’m thinking about my interpretation of Spirit’s character is the scene where he and Maka are on the roof talking. Maka asks Spirit why he cheated on her mother if he did, in fact, love her. He doesn’t appear to know the answer, and he doesn’t really understand how to effectively communicate that, though he was shitty husband, what he really wants now is to try and be a better dad. We hear his inner monologue, and he says something like “I love you [Maka] and your mama. That’s the truth. That’s the truth. That’s the truth.” Every time he says “its the truth” it sounds more like he’s forcing it. This is actually something that is SO strange to me. Even if I didn’t project a queer narrative on to the characters I love, I would look at this and be like “huh that is a Weird thing to say in that specific way”. Why does he say it like that? Why does he have to say it more than once? He’s only talking to HIMSELF. It isn’t like he’s trying to convince Maka. Why does he have to convince himself?? Could it possibly be because he’s reached a conclusion about his romantic/sexual orientation that he’s been trying to swallow his Entire Life??? makes ya wonder, doesn’t it, queers?

Just like I said when I talked about Stein, most of the stories I have in mind with Spirit center around that sweet gayness. But also, I like to think of ways Spirit could come to terms with his sexuality, how it might have affected him when he was young, his relationship with all these women, with his wife. I love to think about him being a dad at 18 and trying his best, but how much responsibility that must have been. Lots of great ideas when it comes to Spirit.

Um? unpopular opinion would be all the standard like I said with Stein lmao. “Oh no!” scream the heteros, “that they/them on tumblr is making Soul Eater queer we canst not allow that in our church!!!111!” But besides that, maybe even the fact that I think he’s redeemable?? Idk most everyone I’ve met thinks Spirit is funny at least and just calls him a dumbass and a slut (affectionate). Doesn’t mean anybody thinks cheating on your wife 56 times is okay so. I like this fandom, it’s chill here. My favorite is when I see my art tagged like “aw the stupid man and his crazy bf” like YOU ARE RIGHT

My favorite relationship when it comes to Spirit (besides Stein cuz if I start talking about them again I’ll never finish this ask) is the one he has with Maka. If you can call it a relationship lol. I guess I just find Spirit’s approach to Maka as a parent really refreshing. Not that the parents in other shows don’t love their kids or whatever, it’s just that the loving parent always seems to be paired with some other trope that makes their character hard to approach. especially in anime. Like the perfect mother who dies in the first episode, and we spend the rest of the show mourning her. Or the father whose love is somehow everlasting even though he’s never home. It’s really the fact that Spirit is even THERE that I love. He knows what Maka is up to. He talks about her. He’s invested in her life, and he loves her. All he wants is to spend time with her, and though he’s sad when she turns him down, he doesn’t push her. god dammit I just like a dad who actually loves his kids without all the usual strings attached like. oh my kids are a huge pain in my ass, but I love them in spite of it. oh i’m a man so can’t relate to my children in a meaningful way but i try. Get the fuck outta here with that shit. I want all the dads to get so happy when their daughters wanna hang with them that they throw up like Spirit. Give me the guy who loves his daughter so naturally, whose daughter is such a huge part of his life, that it doesn’t even occur to him stop trying even if she literally wants to murder him. That’s Spirit. jfc

To end with a cute little headcanon, I really love to think that when Spirit gets older and starts losing the color in his hair, instead of getting white or grey, his hair turns a pale pink color cuz he’s such an aggressive redhead. Wouldn’t that just be adorable? late 30′s, early 40′s, Spirit starts getting little pink streaks in his hair and then bam. Little pink old man Spirit XD

There ya have it. Thanks for the ask, and feel free to send more.

[beneaththesoftcloud]

I haven’t been on here much recently but I have a story I wanna share because maybe it would be helpful to someone? I don’t really know how to summarize; it’s mainly just my thoughts on an interaction I had and mental health.

I recently went with my mom to visit my grandma out of town and everything was going really well until there was a sudden conflict between me and my mom that sent me for 0 to 60 in less than a second and I snapped. Both of them converged on me and I was so upset and I knew that they were going to be mad at me and scold me and that they wouldn’t stop to listen to anything I had to say because that’s just what I’m used to. I’ve lived with my mom and her boyfriend since the end of 2019 for financial reasons and he doesn’t want me there so pretty much everything I do annoys him and causes conflict in the household. I have several sources of stress but that’s been hard to deal with because I can’t really do anything right in that situation. There’s no way to win (by “win,” I mean “find harmony”) if the only acceptable solution for the other party is “get out of my life asap.” But with the job market being what it is, covid, and the crazy housing prices in my city rising even higher, I live there because I have no other option. I know a lot of people are in the same boat as I am and I cope with my issues the best that I can but obviously the stress is always there and it fuels a lot of anxiety. Sometimes it comes to a head like it did when I was visiting my grandma, especially because my mom has this habit of poking people’s sore spots and then brushing off their reactions and it dirves me crazy.

But instead of coming at me from a disciplinary point of view like I was expecting (despite my age, despite the fact that I was able to live independently for several years before the shit hit the fan, this is the angle my family comes at me with because they see me as a child if I live under their roof), my grandma took an uncharacteristic step back. “This isn’t you, you aren’t an angry person like this, your bucket must be really full for you to be acting this way,” she said and she wrapped her arms around me and it made me realize how very long I’d gone without a hug or similar affection. Moreso, for her to stop and consider the reason why I might be acting so upset after such a short exchange rather than writing me off as a bad kid or trying to punish the reaction was mindblowing to me. 

If I get upset, I usually handle it by mentally making a tally of all the tough shit I’m facing right now and I realize, oh, of course I’m stressed, there’s so much on my plate. I take the time to articulate it to myself, even if it’s something small: “No, it’s not the end of the world that mom’s boyfriend tracked grease all over the floor you just mopped. Yes, it feels disrespectful (and sexist) that he always makes messes that you are somehow expected to clean up. These particular footprints will only take a minute or two to clean up, but it makes me feel like he doesn’t value my time or effort. It feels frustrating to feel this lack of respect now when I’m the same person they used to look up to when I taught at a university. I don’t think my job or the dollar amount I bring home should determine the respect I recieve from my family but it seems to impact them a lot; than angers and stresses me.” I can handle emotions and keep them from negativiely impacting others without having to repress things or use the bad coping mechanisms from my childhood by thinking things out this way. But you can’t just think your way out of every problem. If you have a conflict with another person, you have to communicate with them or else there’s no way to fix it. This brings me back around to the main issue: he doesn’t want harmony, he wants to force me out. My mom feels he has more right to be in the house than I do, so she is also a communiticave dead end in this arena more often than not. Her response is to get upset at me for “not getting along.”

Hence, my proverbial bucket is full. It only takes a few drops and then I’m overflowing with all of the pain, indignance, rage, helplessness, etc. and the knowledge that I’m better than this situation I’m stuck in. I see the progress I’ve made toward my goals and I hold onto that to keep me sane. I think, yes, this is a terrible situation and I can’t manicure my emotions and behavior to perfection because that’s impossible, but I want to be the person I want me to be and I’ll try and handle each given situation as that person I want to be. I’m not used to recieving any sympathy for my situation. When my grandma started dishing sympathy out despite my flawed behavior, I didn’t really know what to do. I sort of deflated and tears were falling before I really registered what was going on.

“Here,” she said and she stood right by my side and took my hand, “When you stand like this and you hold someone’s hand, it feels like you’re facing the problem together. If you stand like this,” she moved in front of me and crossed her arms, “this is confrontational. Even sitting across from one another it’s too easy to pit each other against yourselves. But when you’re side by side,” she moved again to my side and took my hand, “you can work things out like this.” She started interviewing me more or less and she didn’t critique anything I felt. She validated my personal struggle, the struggle of my generation, the effort I expend, the disposition I maintain. She didn’t crtique my mom to do any of this and my mom didn’t really jump in for good or bad, she just sort of sat and watched it unfold. There wasn’t really any news; she knew what my problems were and knew it gave me a lot of stress. But she didn’t leave the room, sje sat and listened. And since that trip, she’s tried to initiate a positive interaction with me almost every day over the past week.

And I guess a few things have been hanging around with me. My brother once said to me that you have different people in your life for different reasons when my mom asked him if it was an issue for him that his (kind, sweet) girlfriend has no sense of humor. He said he has me for that, he has friends for that, too, she doesn’t have to be everything for him to love her. Between that interaction and last weekend and just various other things, I just feel that I’ve been given this push along the last few years to allow more people into my life so that I can have different people for different reasons. I’ve always been so isolated and felt I have to do everything on my own. I do think it’s important to have a sense of responsibility for myself, but I think a lot of people feel very pressured to put on thier best face for everyone and only confide in maybe one or two people. If they share things with anyone else, it’s under the pretense of superficial conversation or the guise of a trendy topic. I know I personally tend to avoid sharing vulnerability too openly, too much openess makes it impossible to function day to day. But I also have been very closed off to the point that it doesn’t occur to me to confide even to relatively close family members. 

I think there’s so much talk about how self-reliance is the only important thing for happiness in our society that we don’t even realize how prevelant the message is (you don’t need a significant other to be happy, you just need self love! It doesn’t matter if you come from an abusive family, all you need to do to recover is believe in your own strength). And I think there’s comfort in that message when it’s directly opposed from a “family is everything/ blood is most important/ you’re nothing without your roots” type of a message because so many people do have such difficult family situations and it’s important to know your worth outside of that context. But I think, at least for me, I do need affection from people to feel better. Just little bits in different ways from different people, but it can’t all come from myself and have the same healing effect. The same goes for validation, attention, understanding, play, exchange of ideas, etc. And it’s important to have more than one person because otherwise it becomes easy to fall into the trap of expecting too much from one person or causing someone to feel pressured to always ease your mind, and that’s no good. 

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this but I guess I just feel better. My situation hasn’t changed, it still needs to change before I can really get to a truly healthy and relaxed state, but I feel massively better and I feel like I know how to continue on that path. Forming new relationships is so different in your late twenties than in your late teens and it feels like a weird landscape to navigate, but it’s like a wall that was seperating me from it all has come down. And I feel free instead of naked without that wall.

[rose-tinted-wings]

2am thoughts.

I show a lot of signs of ASD.

(or would they be symptoms?)

But like... Does that mean I should follow up on this?

I know quizzes aren't diagnostic tools but like, all that I take kinda point in that direction but neurotypical Nancy over there (my husband) takes them and is all a-okay so it kinda checks out.

I don't know. I can't turn my brian off.

I'm cycling through all my precious hyper fixations and kinda going, symptom, symptom, symptom.

And I honestly don't know how to feel about this.

I kinda freaked out a little because my husband moved my toothbrush but I can't control my emotions well when I'm tired.

And it just makes me remember all the times my family would call me "weird" or different.

I'm kind of a chameleon (I don't know if that's a symptom), but like, I try my best not to be weird. I attach to people and emulate their behaviour so I'm not picked on as weird and freaky and yeah sometimes I'd have to go from group to group so I wouldn't show how weird I am.

I can't seem to help it. People don't like me jumping my leg up and down to try and soothe myself. I literally got told to stop it once by a stranger sitting in front of me at a festival because she was trying to take a picture and I was wobbling the floor too much for her to get a steady shot so I've never done it since.

My husband notices when I wiggle my feet when I'm sleepy so now I only do it under the covers which kinda helps because I like the pressure and the tactile feel of the sheets on my feet.

I know I'm weird. I've always been weird. I can basically tell you a breed of dog just by looking at it because I used to study dog breeds after seeing a poster in the vets when we used to take our dog.

I used to be told that I even ate wrong. Hell, I was told that today! Because I seperate my skittles and you have to eat them in order from worst to best (yellow, orange, red, purple then green, unless you're American because American skittles are different flavour and I don't really like those when I went there, sorry). And I like all my food to be separated. If they're on the same plate they should have a good half centimetre between eat item so they don't touch but preferably eat item would be in seperate bowls but that's a lot of washing up to do so I don't ask for that anymore. I used to be told I ate things wrong or upside down or the wrong way round because of I could I would take the filling out my sandwich and eat that last because that's the better bit. But I do TRY not to get upset when my food touches, like, in a restaurant, I don't expect them to seperate my food, it comes how it comes, I'll seperate it myself. I was told to stop being weird, eat the pepperoni ON the pizza. My mum would purposefully move my sweets when they were all in lines which was really distressing but I knew it was just me being weird, again. And I don't like soft food. Like, I can't eat a sandwich that has a salad filling and a tomato was on the bread. It just makes it soggy and disgusting in my mouth. Like if you have too many crackers and then try to have water after but then there's mushy cracker in your mouth. No. Just no. Yoghurt is bad. I grew some in a lab once at different temperatures and I do not want to ingest that.

But yeah. I'm just like... Is this why people think I'm rude? I've literally been called spikey and aloof by people in therapy.

But then my hubby says this could all just be trauma brain trying to put things "right" or "orderly" and just trying to grasp at control from a time where I had none. (I call it trauma brain because I'm not diagnosed with PTSD and even though I stand with self Dx I can't personally agree to something unless it's like, officially on paper and such, another lovely quirk)

I don't know. He says I need sleep, which, yes, I do. But I cannot turn my brain off.

Like I keep thinking about Greek mythology and how I was really into that, and knitting and crochet and the different kinds of fibres you can use, and like, dimaond art, and psychology. And I wanted to be a mortician because I don't wanna be around people because talking is HARD.

And people are always "why didn't you talk to me?" when I have a mental health crisis but I don't know how to do that! How do you pick up a phone and go "hey! Just wanted to drop a line and say I'm suicidal but there's nothing anyone can do about it anyway seeing as it's all wonky brain chemistry so I don't really know why I'm telling you!" yanno? I don't know how to talk. I don't. Like. I've said it to people before. I see you. We've spoken. I see you as Friend but like... Talk? Uh... Weather? Music? Life? Philosophy? Where... Do we start?

I love my brothers, very much but I do not Do Sport and that's all I can think they're into. I am not Sport Person. I am not Ex Military. I am not Parent. How do we do this? Do we HAVE anything in common? Since the pandemic we haven't been able to play D&D and they don't seem interested in picking that back up so like... Where do we start?

I know people don't get to know me. I put people off by being blunt about my past abuse. It makes them uncomfortable. Like, casually dropped in having sex around 13 once and my friend about fell off his chair. Casually mentioned my father nearly killing me once and again he did not know what to say. Hell, again, it happened today. Talking about when I fell off my bike and broke my arm in two places and nearly my knee and my head bounced off the pavement and I could have died off not for my helmet and they thought THAT was dark until I said I also got told off for bleeding on the sofa and instead of calling an ambulance my dumbass father called my mother from work who took an hour to get home who then took me to the hospital. (and now I'm saying it all again to freak more people out. Awesome.) and I didn't even say how I needed a cloth over my knees because they looked so mangled I couldn't stop looking at the wreckage that was my body and the worst part was I walked home on that knee and when my brother found me he said are you okay? And all I could worry about was my stupid bike that I got for Christmas because I knew they would kill me if it got damaged. My self worth was lower than a bike. At 8.

So is this trauma? Is this ASD? I don't know. All I knoe right now is that I'm weird and I freak people out and I don't know when to shut up but I need all this out my head to be asleep.

And no one understands when you just and a word stuck in your head over and over again. And hubby was like, oh like when a line in a song plays in your head over and over and I said yeah but sometimes it's just a word like hypotenuse over and over and over and it won't stop.

Like now. I can't stop typing because this is all my inner monologue and it just won't stop. It won't let me sleep.

When I used to be like this as a kid I used to look out of the window. No matter whose (is that a word? I'm tired) house I was in. And the world would be still, and quiet, and I wanted that. But my brain doesn't like shutting down and right now I can't sleep until the sun comes up because that's when Trauma Brain says, ah, yes, safe now.

And my husband likes the door open to the bedroom even though I've told him it's a fire risk and no we haven't had a fire but my mum was freaked out by fire after she was in hospital next to a burn victim once and now I've got that trauma. Like, I have to have a safety plan on how to get out if there is a fire and even though it's still only a wooden door you'd be surprised by the amount of protection it brings.

And he likes night lights which, yes, can be helpful sometimes but I don't like light in my bedroom at night. So now I wear an eye mask but I hate the pressure on my face but I don't tell him that but now if I don't wear it I can't sleep because I'm used to the pressure even if I hate it!!

This is tiring. I've been typing for like, 40 mins and I just want to cry and sleep and punch his stupid snoring face because he can sleep and I can't and it's not fair. It's like he's rubbing it in my face. Oooo look how well I can sleep, snoring away next to you ZzZzz!! Ugh. I know it's stupid and petty but I'm tired. I've not slept more than five hours a night for nearly two weeks now and I know that's actually quite a bit for when my body decides to be in these moods and it's got to the point that my body is just fighting my sleeping tablets like an evil villain trying to thwart me.

But I need to wake up WITHOUT a migraine tomorrow as hubby had clinic at hospital but thankfully his dad is taking him but I have to pick him up and if I have a full migraine I don't k ow how I'll drive and I'm just. So. Tired.

Maybe this has helped. Maybe I'll put my phone down and just... Sleep.

Wow I've had to correct myself so much because I'm typing weird.

Weor Weor word word weird. That's it. Weird. That's me

Weird.

[deepseawanderer-blog]

Because of You

Summary: Roselyn Parks was once in a loving relationship with Steve Rogers, but once things end, HYDRA takes her. Years later she’s back. Is she still the same Rose Steve once knew? Or did HYDRA turn her into something else entirely?

Warnings: Mentions of torture, cancer, heartbreak, angst, lots and lots of angst, Steve being kind of a douche, language, death, talk about death

Word Count ~ 6.4k

Authors Note: Ok, so this is my first time posting anything I’ve ever written and I’m honestly scared out of my mind. Let me know what you think, I have a few ideas about turning this into a series but I haven’t decided yet. Also, this fic kinda follows my own timeline from the Avengers universe. In it, Thanos was defeated, there was no snap, and everyone survived. Oh and this was slightly inspired by the song Missing by Evanescence (About 6 months after Loki’s attack on New York) 2012

     “Why?” I sounded so pathetic, so broken with one simple word.

     “Why? Rose, you’re joking right? You’ve completely pulled away the last six weeks. You avoid me almost entirely and you’re holding so many secrets Natasha would be impressed.” Steve ended his rant with a long sigh. “I can’t be with someone so closed off. It’s distracting me from the job I need to be doing. I can’t be worrying about you and if we’re ok when I should be focusing on missions and my teammates.”

     ‘So I was a distraction. I was a burden and putting people’s lives, Steve’s life, at stake. If I’m all of that now, there’s no way I can tell him.’ I thought to myself.

     “We need this break Roselyn.” he kneeled down so that we were face to face. I couldn’t help but flinch when he used my full name. “Look, I have another mission I have to go on, it’ll take me about a week. Take your time, there’s no reason to get everything out in one day.” He didn’t say anything else as he left, I didn’t either. There was nothing else to say. I couldn’t be a burden any longer and if I had said anything, it would have just prolonged the torture.

     I don’t know how many hours I sat at the edge of the bed. I expected to be heart broken, maybe even a little upset, but I didn’t expect to be numb. It was as if my brain was simply running on autopilot. I walked around the living space that Steve and I had shared for the last year. I picked up my favorite CD that Nat’s been begging me to borrow, I wrote down the recipe to my famous macaroni and cheese that Rhodey absolutely loves, and for Tony, I pulled out my stash of dried fruits that he would probably finish off within a day or two. “JARVIS, can you please send for a moving company to pack and have all my stuff put into storage?”

     “Yes Ms. Parks, the earliest they can manage is 9 A.M. tomorrow morning. Is that sufficient?”

     “Yes, that’ll be perfect. Thank you.” I packed a few suitcases of clothes, grabbed my miniature presents and headed to the communal kitchen. I placed everything on the center island and took a final look around. I guess everyone had been called away for this mission because there was no one here. I could feel the numbness cracking so I knew it was time to leave. I made it to my car and was able to drive away without any incidents, until my phone rang. My heart immediately jumped in my chest. ‘Was he calling to apologize? Did he think this was a mistake to break up? Does he still love me?’ These questions and a million more were running through my head. “Hello?” I finally answered shakily.

     “Hi, my name is Brenda, I’m calling from Dr. Wilson's office,” my heart sank, “is this Roselyn Parks?”

     “Yes.”

     “I’m calling to confirm your chemotherapy this Thursday at 2 o’clock. My records are showing that this will be your first treatment so we recommend not to eat anything starting from midnight the night before but to try and drink plenty of fluids. I’m sure Dr. Wilson has gone over what to expect but just in case--”

     “I--I understand, I’ll be there. Thank you.” I hadn’t meant to cut her off. I just didn’t want to hear everything all over again. I hung up the phone and everything seemed hit me, the damn completely crumbled and I finally broke down.

~*~

     “Alright Rose, that’s it for today. How are you feeling?” Dr. Wilson was a nice man. It was obvious he cared for his patients.

     “I’m doing ok, I sleep a lot and the nausea is still pretty bad, but I’ve been able to keep down some broth today. No hair loss just yet.” My lame version of a joke.

     “Well with the treatments we’ve been doing these past weeks, that might change.” He made a couple of notes while the nurse unhooked from the IV. “So we will see you again, same time next week. Are you sure there is no one we can call for you? You really shouldn’t be going through this alone.” Yes, Dr. Wilson definitely cared for his patients.

      “I’ll be fine Wilson, but thank you. My taxi should already be waiting for me.” I tried to smile but it probably looked more like a grimace. The last few weeks I’ve been living out of a suitcase in a hotel that was just a couple blocks away from the clinic but in those few weeks I hadn’t heard a thing from anyone. Steve I could understand keeping his distance, however, I at least thought Nat would call or text. It was total radio silence. They were probably busy saving the world and I didn’t want to distract them by calling and making a scene.

     I became lost in my thoughts as I climbed into the cab and rattled off the address. I was so out of it that I didn’t notice that the man driving the cab looked nothing like the man on the license. I didn’t notice him turning right instead of left, I didn’t even notice when he slipped on a gas mask and his metal hand glistened in the sun. I only noticed when a thick white smoke started seeping out of the air vents. Before I could even ask what the hell was going on, everything went black.

~*~

     My body weighed a ton. Moving was impossible, as if I was trudging through mud while trying to pull an elephant. I attempted to open my eyes but I don’t know if I succeeded or not, everything was pitch black. I could hear the squeaking of mice nearby, footsteps coming and fading away, and in the distance, if I really strained, I could hear someone screaming in agony. I really didn’t want to think about what was happening to that poor man because I knew that as soon as I started thinking about what was happening to him, I would start thinking about what they had in store for me. Whoever the hell ‘they’ were. That thought alone brought on a whole slew of questions. I was no one special, I had no money or power, I had no family to ransom, and I barely had any friends. Even my job wasn’t that exciting, I was a simple Sous Chef at a restaurant downtown, the only people who would benefit from me leaving were the ones gunning for my position and I highly doubt they’d go to these lengths to get it.

     I was alone with my thoughts for what seemed like days, but was probably only a few hours, before someone came. They threw the door open and I was immediately blinded by the bright lights. It didn’t bother me long though, they helped me out by throwing a disgusting sack over my head. A pair of hands each grabbed one of my arms and yanked me to my feet, I had no strength in my body to fight, let alone in my legs to walk, so they ended up dragging me to wherever they needed me to be. The screaming I had heard earlier was getting closer and it caused a cold sweat to break across my skin. ‘Is that where they’re taking me?’ I asked myself. Thankfully we passed the screaming man just as he stopped screaming. “The wipes complete, put him on ice until we need him again.” I heard a man order. ‘On ice? What the hell does that mean?’ I didn’t get to question it for long because I was soon lead through what I assumed to be a seperate room. I heard a door behind me slam shut and was promptly thrown on and strapped down to an ice cold, metal table. I could feel all types of electrodes being stuck to every part of my body, my blood pressure being taken, and needles poking and prodding me to set up IV drips. I could feel all of this, but for some reason I still could not find my voice to say or protest anything.

     “My Liebling, you’re behaving very well, maybe our time together does not have to be so bad, no?” his voice sent a shiver through my body that had nothing to do with the temperature of the table. Suddenly the bag was ripped from my head and I was blinded by a bright light shining directly at me. More electrodes were placed on my head as I attempted to blink away the blindness. “It is sad that we must meet on these types of situations, cancer is such a hard thing to fight and Dr. Wilson was right, you should not be doing it alone. We will be taking great care of you here, do not fret.”

     “Why,” my voice caught in my throat making me almost cough out a lung, “why am I here.” I croaked out. “What do you want with me?”

     “Sweet Liebling, did no one tell you?” He tisked. “You mean a great deal to a certain Captain and we need to be able to expose that. I believe I can make you into someone that will completely destroy him, if not physically, then mentally.” My vision was finally starting to clear up and I could finally make out my surroundings. The man talking to me had light brown hair that was neatly styled, blue eyes, and a pleasant looking face for someone so evil. The room I was in was a mix between concrete and metal, but all of it seemed to be sucking the life out of the very air. It was almost suffocating. There were other people milling around in white coats taking notes from the readings on the machines they had hooked me up to.

     “Hate to break it to you asswipe, me and the Captain broke up almost two months ago. He’s completely taken me out of his life and all of the Avenger’s lives.” I don’t know where my confidence came from, but I was going to hold onto it with everything I had while I could. “You just wasted all of this time and effort on someone that the Amazing Captain America could give zero fucks about.” I let out a nice chuckle without coughing, that’s progress in my book. However, when I took a look at the man’s face, all of my confidence drained away. He looked happy, but a sick and twisted kind of happy, a dark happy that I knew meant that horrible things were now in my future.

     “Now that is some great news Liebling.” he turned to a metal tray that was beside me and pulled up this bag that was filled with a weird blue-green looking mixture. He hung it up and fed it into one of the IV lines that was attached to me. “That tells me that I do not have to worry about killing you.” his smile seemed to grow sickenly bigger. “If you die, I will simply dump your body on his front door letting him know that this was all his fault. If you survive, you will be one of the strongest assets in our arsenal.” It was then that I felt the blue-green liquid entering my body. Everything was burning, my body was burning away from the inside out. I was boiling and melting all at once. It was the most intense pain I had ever felt and I couldn’t help the scream that ripped from me.

     I screamed for hours, they kept replacing the bags because for some reason, my body was just soaking the damn things up. People were huddled around the room taking notes and keeping track of my vitals but I didn’t care, I just wanted the pain to stop. I had almost passed out from the pain during the second bag but they quickly shot me up with something horrible to keep me conscious. The sick bastards wanted me awake and aware of everything that they would be doing to me. “Now I want you to remember, through all of this, everything you will go through while you are with us,” the sick man playing doctor sneered at me, “it is all Captain America’s fault.”

    After the 5th bag they decided they were done flooding my body with that poison and dumped me in a new room. This one was blindingly white, it reminded me of one of those rooms where they throw crazy people at insane asylums, except this one had an entire wall that was glass and none of the padding. These “doctors” wanted to be able to see what their poison would do to me. There was no bed so I made no effort to move from where they had thrown me, my body was still burning from the inside out but something else was happening. I couldn’t tell what it was, but something inside me was changing. I wasn’t necessarily feeling stronger or smarter. It was more like I felt deadly, no that’s not right either, I felt like death, as if I was turning into Death itself.

     ‘I am a burden,’ I thought to myself, ‘Steve was right. I am a burden and a distraction. I couldn’t even keep myself from getting kidnapped. I isolated myself and made it easy for them. I should’ve known better. Our relationship wasn’t secret by any means, I should’ve known that even with it over I would still be a target. Nat and them have to know I was taken by now and they’re going to save me and prove everything Steve said. The Doctor is wrong, it’s not Steve’s fault. It’s mine. I should’ve been stronger, I should’ve taken those self defense lessons Clint offered, I should’ve made myself better so that he wouldn’t have to worry about me. I should’ve been better at acting like everything was ok. I should’ve been better. He was right, I am a burden. I am a distraction.’

     I felt something building up in my chest, something big. I took a deep breath and released everything that had been going on for the last few months, my diagnosis, the break-up, the chemo and radiation, and all this torture. I let it all out with  a scream that pulled my already strained vocal cords. As I screamed, a pulse of power shot out of me turning my once pristine, white room into a rusted wasteland, the crystal clear glass was yellowed with age and covered in spider-web cracks, the doctors behind the glass were on the floor, horrible blisters and sores covering their skin. I passed out staring into their dead, bloodshot eyes, and a smile on my face.

♛

(About three years after Infinity War where Thanos was defeated and no one died) 2021

Please, please forgive me,

But I won’t be home again,

Maybe someday you’ll have woke up,

And, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one;

“Isn’t something missing?”

     The music was barely a whisper in my headphones but I could hear it perfectly. I could hear everything, even with all the people crammed into the open courtyard. If I wanted to, I could listen in on any conversation that was happening in a two mile radius, but that would have to wait. There was only one conversation I was interested in eavesdropping on and it was between the two super soldiers standing up on the center stage waiting for this farce of a “peace treaty” to begin. “Come on punk, why do I have to be here? The world still views me as an evil assassin, I’m the last one that should be at a peace signing.”

     “Buck, we’ve been over this, ever since Thanos, the world has realized that everyone needs to set aside their differences and work together to keep Earth safe. You are a perfect example of that, plus, you are a part of the team and we’ve all been invited to attend. Also, if I have to stand up here and do this, you bet your ass you do too.” he finished with a light laugh and big smile on his face.

You won’t cry for my absence, I know

You forgot me long ago.

Am I that unimportant?

Am I so insignificant?

Isn’t something missing?

Isn’t someone missing me?

     A red faced dignitary walked up to the podium, signalling the start of the conference and the crowd began to calm down. I turned my music off and started walking towards one of the many exits, getting into position. This courtyard was actually a horrible place to be hosting a signing, too much exposure, too open. The stage for all the foreign dignitaries and the Avengers had no protection from the crowd. Sure, the courtyard was in the middle of a castle-like building, but there were too many windows to be covered. The security was a joke; they barely had a metal detector. It was child’s play to get everyone inside, if anything, these foreign dignitaries deserved what was about to happen. Just because it’s a peace treaty, doesn’t mean everyone is going to be ‘peaceful’.

     I waited until he was a few minutes into his speech about finally taking the first steps towards world peace before I pulled the mirror out of my pocket and flashed it to the roof behind the stage. My men started making a small comotion, drawing the attention of everyone on stage. Everyone except for Sergeant Barnes, he had been looking my direction since I signaled with the mirror. He nudged Captain America to help him scan the area. The commotion was getting louder. The Avengers were starting to draw their weapons and herd the dignitaries to safety inside the walls. I signaled with the mirror again. Sergeant Barnes’ eyes immediately zeroed in on me as well as Captain America’s. ‘Good,’ I thought to myself, ‘he needs to see that this is all his fault.’ I kept my eyes locked with his as I descretley pulled out my handgun from my purse. I could see the gears turning in his head, he knew me somehow. Right then a shot rang out from the other side of the courtyard, people immediately dropped to the floor and screamed. Sergeant Barnes and Captain America whipped around to face where the shots came from, leaving me a perfect shot. I raised my gun and took aim. “Oh Captain, I’m disappointed,” I spoke normally but I know he heard me, his back stiffened and he turned to face me, “I thought someone would have taught you to never turn your back on a threat.” His eyes widened at the sight of the gun but it was too late, I squeezed the trigger and braced for the minimal kick back. Captain America reacted by bringing up his shield to protect his chest and head but it did no good, I wasn’t aiming that high. Yelling out in pain, he hit the floor grabbing his leg. Blood was already beginning to pool around his knee where the bullet had shattered. He would heal eventually, but until then he’d be in a lot of pain and he’ll be in even more when they have to open the wound back up to try and dig out all the shards of the hollow point bullet.

     I was able to slip out just as easily as I had slipped in, all it took was some fake tears and pretending to hyperventilate and security waved me through with the rest of the crowd. I was able to branch away and sneak down a hallway towards the room they had huddled all the dignitaries into. There was one last thing I had to do before I could leave. There were no guards outside the stupidly open door but the Falcon had placed one of his drones right above it. Lucky for me, I had full view of my intended target. The red faced dignitary from the opening speech was looking a little more worse for wear. He was about the shade of a tomato, a few boils and blisters were starting to cover his face and hands, sweat was drenching his clothing, and his eyes were starting to turn a little yellow. But though the outward physical symptoms were great, there was one I had to zero in on, I strained my hearing and listened closely, blocking out every noise around me until I found the one I was looking for. It was the stuttering and faltering heartbeat of the dignitary that brought a smile to my face and confirmed that today was a success. By the time the medics made it to him, he was long dead and I was in my car speeding away with my music blasting and happily singing along.

Even though I’m the sacrifice,

You won’t try for me, not now.

Though I’d die to know you love me,

I’m all alone.

Isn’t someone missing me.

~*~

     “I want a full break down of what the hell happened today. How did so many hostiles manage to get in without so much as a blimp on the security? Tony! What good are your scanners if they can’t even pick up hand guns?” Bucky was barking out as they rushed Steve’s gurney into the med wing.

     “Buck, calm down.” Steve managed to groan out. “I’m fine, everyone is fine.”

     “Not everyone Cap,” Natasha matched Bucky’s long strides, “Ambassador Berkley is dead, official ruling is a stroke.”

     “And the non-official?” he asked. His stomach dropped slightly at the thought of someone dying on his watch.

     “Poison. They’re running a tox screen now to figure out exactly what type but it may take a day or two.”

     “Perfect,” Bucky cut in, “the punk here can use that time to explain to me how he knew the broad that literally blew out his knee.” Much to Steve’s relief, Dr. Cho came through the doors right as Bucky was crossing his arms, expecting an answer, and shooed them all away so that they could work on getting all the shrapnel out.

     The procedure was only two hours but Steve was in hell the entire time. His body kept burning through any sedative they gave him, no matter how strong they made it. Dr. Cho didn’t want to risk an overdose, so Steve insisted on continuing without one. So when the screaming finally stopped, nothing was going to keep Bucky out of that hospital room. Steve had been there for him countless times, it was Bucky’s turn to be there for him. He just had to get some answers first.

     “I thought I was supposed to be the heartbreaker punk. You were supposed to be America’s ‘Golden Boy’.” Steve tried to bury himself further into the bed in hopes of disappearing. “Yet here you are, broke some gal’s heart so bad that she put a bullet through your knee.” When he didn’t get any response Bucky sighed and sat at the edge of the bed. “Just give me a name to start with. We need to know who she is and what kind of contacts she has to be able to pull something like this off.”

     “She wouldn’t do this Buck. She was a simple chef, we never even should have--”

     “I don’t need the whole story yet, we can do that later. Right now I just need her name.”

     “Roselyn Marie Parks.” Steve answered in a defeated sigh. “But I swear to you Buck, you’re not going to find anything.”

     “I know you have more experience with it, but I wouldn’t count FRIDAY out just yet.” They settled into a somewhat comfortable silence, at least on Bucky’s end. He was reading an old book, the pages worn from use, the corners dog eared over and over again, simply enjoying the quiet. Steve on the other hand, he was lost. Lost in his own whirlwind of thoughts. What was she doing there? Was she really with that group of thugs? She had hated guns and yet shot him without hesitation. What had happened to change all that? Could the breakup really be what made her dark? He didn’t think it was possible, there was no way someone as innocent as Rose could’ve gone dark with just a breakup.

     “Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes, Ms. Romanoff has requested your immediate presence at the labs.” FRIDAY interrupted the silence, startling Steve and Bucky so much that he dropped his book.

     “Jeeze FRIDAY, med wing is supposed to be quiet. You’re going to give someone a heart attack.” Bucky grumbled. “Steve can’t go anywhere, he just had surgery. If Natasha wants us, she can come up.”

     “Barnes, Captain,” Nat almost sneered his title, “if you don’t come down here, I will drag you down myself.” it wasn’t a threat. It was a promise.

     “Nat, come on, Steve just--”

     “Barnes, the Captain is going to come down here. If his leg is still an issue I’d be happy to cut it off for him.” her tone made no room for arguments. Whatever she needed them for was big and Steve had a rotten feeling in his gut he knew exactly what it was about.

     They made it down to the labs with minimal hardships. Steve was only slightly limping because he absolutely refused to use the cane Bucky and Dr. Cho handed him. Part of it was Sam and Clint would never let him hear the end of it if they saw him walking around with a cane and the other part of it was because he walked slower without the cane and he wanted to do everything in his power to  stall what he knew was about to happen. As they turned the corner and the labs came into view, Steve’s heart hit the floor. Their looks said it all, they knew. Tony was almost red with fury and Nat was trying to hide her pain through a mask of rage, but the hurt was easily seen in her eyes. The others looked on, confused to why they were so upset. Tony pointed to a chair that was situated in front of everyone and a bunch of screens. Rose’s smiling face was plastered everywhere. Her hazel eyes shining with glee as she was captured mid laugh, her wavy chocolate hair was thrown in a messy bun and her face had speckles of flour everywhere. Steve remembered that day, she had tried to teach him how to bake and it had somehow turned into a miniature food fight. They had made a huge mess, but the cookies they had made were some of the best ones he had ever had. “Let’s get everyone on the same page here Cap.” Tony finally spoke. “How do you know our shooter, Roselyn Parks?”

     “We dated. We were together for almost two years. She had just finished moving in with me when New York happened. After a few months she started pulling away from me so I broke it off. I haven’t seen her since. Not until the assembly. But you all have to understand--” Tony cut him off.

     “Tell Nat why she wasn’t able to contact Rose. Tell me why none of us were able to at least call her and make sure she was ok. She wasn’t actually ignoring any of the calls or messages, was she?” he felt Bucky stiffen up behind him, probably not liking the way Tony was interrogating him right now but he deserved their hostility.

     “No, I had JARVIS reroute all incoming and outgoing messages. She never knew. I had thought it would be easier for her if we were all out of her life for good.” he was barely speaking above a whisper, after all this time he was finally able to see how stupid that had been. “JARVIS would alert me whenever she would call. I never had the nerve to listen to the voicemails.”

     “You still have them?” Nat was beyond shocked. What kind of spy was she if she never questioned Rose’s sudden disappearance. She had thought they were friends. She thought that Rose was actively trying to avoid them. She should have tried harder to talk to her. At Nat’s question, Steve nodded and dropped his head. Yes, he had kept all the voicemails, emails, text messages, everything she had tried to contact them was tucked away in a flash drive hidden in his room.

      “We’ll get to that in a minute Cap, right now let’s do a little reading exercise shall we? I’m going to bring up a page and you’re going to read it. Every. Single. Word.” Tony didn’t wait for a response, instead he brought up a couple documents on one of the screens and expanded it so that everyone could see it. “Go ahead Cap, tell us what you see.”

      “The first one is a general bio about Rose. Born July 20th, 1989. Lived in Texas, California, Arizona, Florida, and New York. Job history, every kitchen she’s worked at.”

     “Keep going.”

     “The next page is…” his heart shattered, “No, this can’t be right.” Steve looked around the room. This had to be a joke of some kind. A cruel and horrible joke. “It’s a missing persons report? But that’s not right, this was filed around two months after the break up. I was still getting notified about calls years after that.”

     “I said, keep going.” Tony’s voice was harsh and unforgiving. Steve paled and choked on his words when he saw the next page.

     “She was presumed dead?” Bucky asked instead. “What the hell’s goin on? Steve said he was getting calls years afterwards. How is that possible?”

     “I’m going to ignore that question based on the soul fact that we have two people in this room that were presumed dead for 70 years and are still alive and kicking. One of ‘em may not be for much longer though. Instead I’m going to ask you to focus on a certain name. Look who filed the missing person’s report and signed her death certificate.” Two boxes on the screens highlighted the area Tony was talking about and zoomed in on them. “A Dr. James Wilson. Do you know Dr. Wilson Cap? Do you know what he specializes in? No? He’s an oncologist. She had cancer, a brain tumor actually.” he waved his hands around the screen and a bunch of medical files popped up. “She had been seeing him for about 4 months before she was reported missing. Doc said there was no way she’d survive 6 months without treatment so when she stopped showing up for appointments, he knew something was wrong. He knew. A stranger knew something was wrong. But her friends? Her supposed friends that could have actually done something to help her? We had no damn clue.” His eyes were beginning to water.

     “Boss, the decryptions and translations are completed.” FRIDAY’s announcement stopped Tony from continuing.

     “Bring it all up.” He turned to Steve. “FRIDAY found some files talking about Rose, files from HYDRA.” Bucky visibly stiffened at the name. It had been years since he’d been under their control, but the nightmares and scars from what they did would never go away.

      “They wanted to use her to destroy Steve.” Nat grabbed a tablet and started going through all the information. “They figured he wouldn’t be able to fight against the woman he loved. Once they learned about the break up they went a different route.” She swiped around, none of the pictures were of her. They were all of dead bodies, bodies covered in lumps and sores, eyes bloodshot, and faces frozen in terror. “These people look exactly like Ambassador Berkley when he was pronounced. Rose did all of this?” What had they done to her? She continued to swipe through the information.  “They have videos.” her hand froze above the tablet. Did they want to see what they did to her? Could they handle it? Tony didn’t wait for an invitation, he brought up the first clip and played it. It showed Rose in a rusted over, metal looking cell. Her ankle was shackled to the wall, there was a dingy mattress on the floor, a bucket in the opposite corner, and her and her clothes were covered in cuts and dirt. A man walked into the room, handed Rose a cell phone, careful not to touch her, and walked back out. Rose looked dumbfounded at the phone. She repeatedly looked between the phone, the door, and back. After a few seconds she quickly unlocked the phone and brought it up to her ear. The look on her face was pure hope, at least it was for a few seconds.

     “S-Steve, it’s me.” her voice was almost a whisper and sounded so broken. “I don’t know what happened, but HYDRA got to me. You have to listen to me when I say this, don’t come and get me. I don’t know what they’re playing at, they gave me my phone back and just walked away. It has to be a trap. Please, don’t do anything stupid, I’m not worth it.” At this point she was crying. “You were right, I was a distraction, I should’ve been better. I’ll be ok though, I know I won’t last long in here, I never had much time to begin with. Take care of yourself ok? Tell Nat to let Clint win a spar every now and again and tell Rhodey that he better not share my recipe with anyone ok? And talk to Tony, he’s struggling, I know he is. He’s just acting like he’s fine but please try and talk to him. Goodbye.” As soon as she hung up the phone, the door burst open and four men rushed in. One took the phone away, two pinned her down, and the last one secured her hands in a metal box before unlocking her ankle. They dragged her out kicking and screaming.

     The video cut out and the room was surrounded in silence. Sam was about to tell Tony to stop, there was no need to see all the videos, it would just torture them, but Nat played the next one before he could even finish his thought. It started the same way as the first one, the only difference was that Rose’s hair was a few inches longer. They couldn’t get a good look at her face though and were slightly thankful for that. “Steve.” her voice was strained this time, as if she had been screaming. “I don’t know why they keep making me do this. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t want to be here, the things they’re making me do, the things they’re doing to me…” she took the phone away from her for a second, took a deep breath, and continued on, “I want to be selfish and ask you to come save me but I won’t. Stay away from here, wherever here is, but don’t come. Don’t send the team. Don’t put anyone in danger trying to get me out. I won’t last much longer, I know it. Hopefully this  is actually goodbye this time.”

      This time it was Rhodes who played the next video. “What did I do wrong Steve? What did I do to deserve this? You’ve abandoned me and I want to know why!” Rose was crying and screaming in hysterics. “Please get me out, please, please. I can’t take this anymore. I wasn’t supposed to still be alive. They did something to me. I was supposed to be dead by now. Please Steve, I can’t do it anymore. Please.” she was so broken. When the men came to drag her away, she didn’t put up a fight at all.

      The next video played. “You fucking asshole! This is all your fault! How could you think-No, screw that. You didn’t! You don’t think about anyone besides yourself and your fucking Avenging bullshit. I’m in here being tortured on a daily basis, experimented on all damn day, being turned into who knows what and you’re fucking ignoring my pleas for help!” Rose took the phone and threw it against one of the cell walls. When the doors slammed open, she let loose a rage filled yell and shoved her hand into the face of the first man through the door. Smoke immediately started raising from the contact, his face started breaking out in sores, and within a few seconds he dropped to the floor, most likely dead, his bloodshot eyes and face were frozen in terror. Before she could get her hands on one of the other guards, she was hit with a cattle prod, effectively electrocuting her and incapacitated her long enough to get her hands back in the metal box and dragged out of the room.

     “No more, please don’t make me watch anymore.” Steve hadn’t even tried to keep the tears back once the first video started playing. He could only pray that they would take some type of mercy on him and not play anymore. Sam took the tablet from Nat, she was too shell shocked to put up a fight. He swiped through the videos and landed on the last one.

     “I know why they’ve been forcing me to make these calls.” her voice was even, cold, calculated. “Did you know that my phone has been on this entire time? GPS enabled and everything. You could’ve found me the second they took me. But you didn’t, they were right. They said no one cared about me, no one would notice I was gone, no one would miss me. They’ve been trying to break me for two years now, I don’t know how I held out this long.” there was a long stretch of silence. “I killed 8 people today. I didn’t even have to touch them. I wish I could say that I feel some kind of remorse but I don’t feel much of anything anymore. I know I’ve said this before, but now I mean it, this will be my final goodbye. They don’t need to prove their point anymore. I’m forgotten, alone. They finally won.” Rose hung up the phone and held it out towards the door. This time only one man came in, he gingerly took the phone and motioned her towards the door. With a defeated sigh, she walked through them willingly.

♛

[kimmysfandomblog]

9 and 20 for Hinaegi, 5 and 14 for Komahina !

  Thank you for the ask, Chloe!!! 😀

From here! https://hajimehinata-kun.tumblr.com/post/180161745002/asks-21-otppairing-questions

Hinaegi:

9. Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?

I think my favorite thing about HiNaegi is more to do with potential interaction. They do things in different ways, but their basic ideals are the same. Naegi and Hinata don’t think much of themselves, but while Naegi kind of accepts he is average, Hinata doesn’t. He has too much ambition to give up on the dream of doing something bigger. They are both the type to listen and care for their friends, and they end up leading even if they don’t think of themselves as leaders.

I think that if they were to interact, they’d be digging into the things they hide behind their “average” exterior. It’s a lot more noticeable with Hinata, being that he’s a Reserve Course Student. I think Naegi would be one to say he feels out of place among the Ultimates, since they are so weird for the most part. They could get into how, even if they are Ultimates, they are friends and don’t even care about Naegi having the talent of luck, which he doesn’t even consider a talent since it rarely every affects him. Also, I feel Naegi will really be able to sympathize with Hinata. He might want to know what the Reserve Course is like, and he’d be able to validate Hinata’s disdain of being stuck there.

As for Naegi, he really accepts way too much from his friends- in terms of being a bit too passive. And he’s also too forgiving, I think ^^; maybe Hinata would be able to help him out a bit with that, or sympathize with him a bit (I mean, Souda was able to drag him into crashing a beach party, but Hinata was able to draw a line with the matching speedos, lol) Maybe he could get Naaegi to show off his more assertive side instead of hiding it like he does (and Naegi certainly does have an assertive side! It’s just one that doesn’t usually come out unless in a threatening situation)

I do perceive friction, however. I think that Naegi can be too optimistic about things, and sometimes you just can’t accept optimism. With Hinata, even if Naegi were to say that it doesn’t matter that Hinata is in the Reserve Course because he still has people who know that Hinata is a great person, and that is worth more than a title, I think that if something were to happen, like what Juzo did to him in DR3, that could cause Hinata to snap. If we recall what happened in DR2′s 6th trial, Hinata respected Naegi, but he couldn’t just accept Naegi’s plan, which put Hinata’s whole self at risk. It would also be something like, they are very similar, but the differences just rub at them even harder because they have certain expectations out of each other.

And then of course there is a canon AU with post-DR3… I can’t imagine Hinata being happy about Naegi making a new Hope’s Peak Academy. Hope’s Peak Academy has been pretty much the source of Hinata’s problems. He played his own part, of course, but a lot of it is to do with the environment and mentality that HPA created. I think that maybe the only thing that settles it is if the way Naegi runs HPA is different, like that these students do have to pay a fee unless they aren’t able to financially support their education (it isn’t government run, or not completely), that there are no talent scouts, and instead they apply to become Ultimates (like in V3), and that just overall, there are no special benefits (they still have to take the normal exams, but there is time allotted to their talent. They kind of have to have a longer school year because of that, and it may be needed to waive things as long as it is made up some other way, but there is no special treatment which would make the Talented superior. The point of the school is for talents to be fostered, but for the benefit of society and not scientific exploitation and the separation between talented/”average” people. This would also mean that you are not prohibited from letting friends visit the campus, as long as it is not disruptive.

I do think even then, there’s gonna be tension, but maybe Naegi’s optimism, that he is going to do everything he can to make sure this is not going to turn out the same way it did with the previous HPA, and just general sincerity that he believes in thisnew school, Hinata gives it a chance.

20. What made you decide to ship them?

I have a few guesses, but the exact reason why… I honestly don’t know. It was surely not immediately. Naegi was always a character I liked a lot, but didn’t love, so HiNaegi snuck up on me. By the time DR3 was rollong around, I was already attracted to the idea that they meet and interact in a meaninflgful way again. A part of it was that, due to them being protagonists, they often are featured together, and it screamed cute potential to me. I know the reasons why I ship them: they have this feeling of balance to them somehow, like they have a lot of similarities, and fill in for their weaknesses. They both look like they would trust each other and sacrifice for each other’s well-being in their own different ways. Of course, this could be platonic as well as romantic (and I do love both!). The moment I realized this… that I wanted to see them romantically involved as well… I am not sure. I just know that when Hope Arc gave me them goving each other that look, I was already deep in XD I just supressed it, like all the other fans did, because who was I gonna share my passion with? I am very glad that I broke out of that. The Hinaegi community has been very supportive, and I love them! (Some of us are also partners for the Hinata Project, so that wouldn’t have been even a thought without them!)

KomaHina:

5. Favorite canon moment of them?

Most definitely, it would be the Prologue and CH1! I love the way that they met, with Komaeda being really concerned over Hinata, whose fainted on the beach. I love that they are together for the introductions, and how Hinata kind of leans on Komaeda with trust. I like that Hinata really and truly didn’t want to believe that the Komaeda he was thankful for waking him up (sorry dr2 stage moment but-) was the type to kill someone, and that utter betrayal he felt later. I like how despite that, Komaeda was still hoping/expecting Hinata wouldn’t treat him differently (but accepts it anyways). Prologue and CH1 were truly just the best moments for me. A close second would be CH3, when Hinata is super concerned about Komaeda’s well-being despite all the feelongs in him :’) (yeah, that may be why I get mad about people criticizing him for not staying with Ko)

14. Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?

In all honestly, it is hard to compare ships, since in general, despite the tropes (like rival ×rival), changes in personality and backstory really change how I view that pairing. The only thing I got is my feeling, and KomaHina is just WAY up there in my interests. Sometimes I wish it was less popular, or maybe more like, I wish it wasn’t popular enough to have a vehemently rabid side with equally rabid antis XD Admittedly, most of the reason I like KomaHina is because I love the characters (specifically Hinata, but Komaeda as well), but that relationship they have truly feels unique to me.

This is more than just shipping the rivals together like some certain other pairs in these kinds of stories. There’s a complexity there, since Komaeda actively pushes everyone away, but feels comfortable around Hinata, but also doesn’t want to hurt Hinata with his presence so he pushes away even more. And then there is Hinata, who wishes he could hate Komaeda, but actually he is still concerned about the guy, even if Komaeda’s logic frustrates him, he still sees Komaeda as smart and tries to understand him, if not very openly saying he wishes to understand him. I have other OTPs that were rival×rival (was into SasuNaru for a long time, was into USUK if that works as rivals?), but somehow this pair feels different.

I guess the only pair I love equally, within this fandom at least, is KamuNami. The relationship has potential at complexity, though I guess because of the DR3 writing, no one that would have been okay with it initially, likes it. Rather, they quite hate it, and it’s… too bad. There would’ve been more complex interactions had they known each other, especially given how different their values are. Kamukura doesn’t care if he has killed or not, whether it was in self-defense or a casualty in his grand schemes. Nanami is adamantly against that- and she’d be annoyed at him too, I think, for his attitude. At the same time, there would be something that forces her to interact with him, whether it was the need to keep an eye on him (as class rep or as the Observer, for example), or general curiosity (him being an AI too, his connection to Hinata (whether as the same person or two seperate people), or if in some other AU some other similarity that makes them unique, like it could be how he beats her at games). As an AI, he would be the only one there besides Usami, and he has all the answers as to how her friends are doing. I can’t imagine her being too friendly when she realizes the lengths he had to go to and how unaffected he seems to be about it, but in the end, he did help it to help them, and it’s a rare case where such a thing was necessary. And he acts cold and unfeeling, but there was a glimmer of emotion in him at the same time. This is similar to human Kamukura as well, I think. If we set this in an AU, she would definitely struggle interacting with him, maybe even starting to believe he is cold and lifeless and nothing more. But then he’d say something and she realizes he’s human, but it’s harder for him to express emotions. They are the type of people who would rather isolate themselves and let others ignore them, but Chiaki has this self that cares about others, making her break away from her comfort zone. I headcanon she would go to extreme lengths, even going head-to-head and almost on par with Izuru if it came to it, to protect her friends, and that would shock him, I think. He’d observe her more carefully since she’s the one who did something interesting, but he’d get annoyed when she tries to make him see the world differently. He’s rather arrogant like that. I don’t think she’ll ever fully succeed, but he’s eventually going to be softer on her (in my headcanons, this is pretty much how it goes hahaha).

Another part of the reason why KamuNami is so important is because it has a lot to do with how accepting the community has been! I used to be ambivalent to the ship because of the shipping wars, to be quite honest, but the KamuNami community, however small we are, actually support each other with comments and reblogs. The mod of KamuNami Paradise is the sweetest and most understanding person, and she tries really hard for the community. I really look up to her! In a way, I guess that solidified it. My love for KamuNami was but a handful until KamuNami Week 2017, and the support of the community, as well as how well Mod Kibou fostered this ship, is the reason why I love it as much as I do. That blog… without it, I would have kept that KamuNami side of me hidden and let it die. I am thankful that didn’t happen!

For KomaHina, the community just feels too big sometimes. I have a lot more ambivalence about the fans who like KomaHina than I do for other ships, simply because KomaHina is the most popular ship (well hopefully remains that way lol. I do and don’t like the popularity, but I want the ship that beats it to be meaningful. And here in my salt corner, I don’t think this ship I’m talking about that has the potential to overtrow KomaHina is even a quarter as meaningful). I mean, it’s like there is this belief somewhere in there that anyone who doesn’t remotely ship it is like… homophobic, or ignorant, or ognorong canon- just overall a bad person. I never felt comfortable with that. Yet, at the same time, I made a lot of friends through KomaHina! Which is puzzling to me since I was so expecting, well, nothing to happen. That was my experience with every other fandom, you know? A lot of my mutuals also love KomaHina, so at least with this ship, I know I’ll feel validated. There is so much content for it as well that, for the most part, I don’t feel as starved for it XD (MOST of the time… it never truly leaves you lol) Also, participating in KomaHina Secret Exchange is just such a pleasure! You’re honestly another mod I admire XD That event is always fun! It’s incredible to see the amount of love for this ship that I care about, we care about.

I guess when it comes down to it, what I need in my OTPs is that potential for complexity, especially if it surprises you. I also like validation, apparently XD It is just lonely shipping something no one else cares about, you know?

On a side note, fave ship is still KomaHinaNami for very indulgent reasons XD but I’ve overexplained at this point lol

[r0sequarks]

Dumbledore is totally not a Gryffindor and I spent an hour writing an essay about it because i am a giant nerd so check under the cut if you want to read my really well thought out conspiracy theory 

Dumbledore is not a Gryffindor. While he does have courage and bravery, so does he he value hard work and loyalty, and is intelligent and witty - having the traits does not define being part of a house, as seen by Hermione Granger being the smartest witch of her age but still a Gryffindor - no, it is what drives you, and what is at the core of your being, and Dumbledore shows no signs of being driven by bravery. While he does frequently fight, he prefers to take a more passive role, manipulating others into fighting for him, acting as a leader over others. Throughout the series, he takes the role of a chessmaster, placing Harry so that he can develop as the means to kill Voldemort, even though theoretically it may be within Dumbledore's means to slay the man himself. Above all else, he is not brave, but smart - and not smart in a studious manner, but 'street smart', although he certainly is well-learned. His primary intelligence lies in manipulation, in resourcefulness, leadership, cunning, ambition. Albus Dumbledore is undoubtedly a Slytherin based on his actions, which leads to the question - why does his Chocolate Frog card say he is in Gryffindor.

Dumbledore is undoubtedly in a position of power, especially within Hogwarts. At the time we discover he was allegedly in Gryffindor, he has been headmaster for twenty years, and has been teaching at Hogwarts for over seventy. He is one of the most well known and respected wizards, and one of the older, and given that two world wars and one wizarding war have passed since he was at Hogwarts, it is likely few remain who remember his actually attending the school. It is well within his means to change records, and to claim that he was in Gryffindor, and unlikely anyone would say otherwise, as his house in school is ultimately a minor matter for anyone who doesn't currently attend Hogwarts. From there comes the question of why - why would Dumbledore lie about his house? Well, from there, we look to none other than Dolores Umbridge.

Dolores Umbridge is the most hated character in the entire series. Everyone despises her. When faced with the question of who is worse - Voldemort, who is trying to commit genocide, and Umbridge, who while incredibly abusive is not a murderer, most need a moment to think about it. That's because evil on the scale of Voldemort is difficult to comprehend, while a bad teacher and abuse are something most everyone can understand and relate to. It is hard to know what to do, against massive evil - it is the minor evils that draw our attention. When we focus on systemic oppression, most often we focus on acts, and even better, individuals. So, to draw the focus on to a group like the Death Eaters, it can be easier to use a smaller, more relateable target - like school bullies. There is a mental association commonly present that Slytherin is Evil, and Gryffindor good - that Slytherin are junior Death Eaters. This connects simple school bullies to the massive, unimaginable evil - and draws the students, especially Gryffindor students, in to the mindset of child soldiers early on.

This also has the opposite effect - framing Slytherin students as evil gets rid of their chance to escape their families, and furthers the push of these students in to the ranks of the Death Eaters. If this was done purposefully, then Dumbledore must have willingly been able to sacrifice the minds and even the lives of children, to turn other children in to soldiers, all in an attempt to bring down Voldemort. This Machiavellian scheme seems unfitting to a man who plays the role of kind mentor, and who impresses the point of the power of love, but it is not without more prescient canonical evidence. Dumbledore leaves the young Harry with his Aunt and Uncle, despite the fact he could quite easily place him anywhere without question. Following that, he repeatedly sends Harry back to live with them, even knowing that it is an incredibly abusive environment. The argument can be made for the protective spell - but Hogwarts is just as protected. Dumbledore made the choice, to send Harry back instead of keeping him in Hogwarts, because he believed that it was necessary. Dumbledore has been shown to put the greater good over the safety of a child, and so these actions fit entirely within precedent.

It is of course possible that none of this is true - that he was a Gryffindor, that the Slutherin/Gryffindor divide is perfectly natural, and that there was no master plan. After all, we only truly see Dumbledore late in life, and the hat sees the present, not the future. Manipulation can be learned, and bravery and courage can take way to reason, especially over a century. The theory is based on the fact that DUmbledore was a Slytherin in his school years, after all, and not that he is one now. It all comes down to one phrase - the greater good.

Inscribed on the gates of Nurmengard, the prison which Gellert Grindelwald built and later inhabited, is the phrase, for the greater good. It is a phrase which defines Grindelwald's philosophy - to do evil for the greater good of the world - and one which Dumbledore himself coined. The Dumbledore we see glimpses of in an early life is decidedly even more of a Slytherin than the modern man, because he is defined by his ambition. While some say it is the fault of his infatuation with Grindelwald, Dumbledore readily plans out an attempt to overthrow the Wizarding World and form a benevolent dictatorship over the world - admittedly, for the greater good. This is an undeniable sign of his Slytherin nature, and provides even more evidence for the cover up - Dumbledore doesn't want anyone to know that he was friends with Grindelwald, how close he became to being a dark lord himself, as it would discredit him as the savior of the wizarding world and as a mentor to Harry. The friendship is one of Dumbledore's best kept secrets, as shown by the book Skeeter released following his death, revealing their relationship, something that few of Dumbledore's allies were able to believe, and that Harry only bought given evidence. The life and lies indeed.

Slytherin becomes Gryffindor, and the history books of the modern age become much cleaner - the grand hero who defeated Grindelwald was not his friend, and it is Gryffindors who save the day against the evils of Slytherin. Dumbledore, ever the Slytherin, is nothing but not resourceful. The lie protects him, forges Gryffindor in to a receptacle of young soldiers to be in the war, and even gives cover for his spies in the Death Eaters. The view of Slytherin as evil becomes effectively true - not by any inherent nature, but because people fill the roles in which they have been cast. Continuing on with this belief does nothing but further Dumbledore's manipulations of events.

Dumbledore is not the villain - and the revelation that he was a Slytherin, and the extent of his manipulations, doesn't change that fact. But, then again, neither is he the hero. The problems that are faced in the series are, inevitably, his fault - and it is only through him that they are fixed. This simplifies things, and removes the extent of certain actors agencies, but it is not entirely inaccurate. The similarities between Tom Riddle and Harry Potter extend well beyond sharing part of a soul. They are both orphans, raised in abusive muggle environments, who suddenly find themselves to be wizards. While it is not stated, it is most likely that Riddle was not sent back to the orphanage over the summer - in fact, given his in depth knowledge of the castle and its secrets, it's probable he stayed at Hogwarts for these vacations. What makes Riddle a villain is not, as what can be claimed, that he was a child of rape, but that he was someone with no power who quite suddenly became one of the most powerful in the world. With nothing to grant him humility, his arrogance grew, leading to his seeking more power, through the Horcruxes. It is not to say that Harry would have gone the same road - but it so easily could be. In the end, Harry is a pureblood, and he is a very wealthy one at that. He has immense power, and as they say - power corrupts. There are two factors that are the most prevelant at seperating Harry from power - the fact he lives with the Dursleys, and the fact he is a Gryffindor. The Dursleys, through their abuse, remind Harry of suffering, of what it is like to not be on top, something key in the development of empathy. And the reason he stressed that he wasn't a Slytherin? Because Slytherin is evil, and Gryffindor good.

That is not to say that without Dumbledore, Harry would have turned in to a second Voldemort. That is an unreasonable extreme. More likely, however, is that he would have turned in to a second James. James Potter was, ultimately, a good person, but he was also an arrogant bully, and it was only trying to win the love of Lily Evans that reversed that. A Harry more like James may have died at Voldemort's hands, too self confident, or not nearly as versed in the powers of love. Or, perhaps, he could have defeated Voldemort, but become corrupted by the power and fame. This isn't an apocalyptic ending, but it's an ending that ensures the status quo remains in place, whereas the Harry that we know, given that power and attention, is undoubtedly trying to change and fix the world.

Is it worth it? Is it worth putting a child through such pain, to better ensure his survival when he is pit against a genocidal maniac, and ultimately, to change the world? It is not something a Gryffindor would ever be able to do. But, the world needs Slytherins for a reason - for the Greater Good.

[facesofcsl]

Teagan D., Alumni and CSL Intern (Fall 2019)

Teagan de Seguin is a U of A graduate and a past CSL intern. She graduated with a Bachelor of Arts with a major in Women's and Gender Studies, along with certificates in CSL, Global citizenship, International learning and Peace and post-conflict studies. She has extensive volunteer experience locally and globally, and now works as a Program Coordinator for Catholic Social Services in Immigraton and Settlement. Read the story below to see how CSL equipped her with many skills that she uses today.

When did you first hear about CSL?

I actually found CSL when I was picking my classes for my very first semester, in first year! I was just browsing through courses on Beartracks and I saw CSL, and I thought, “Hey that sounds like me!” I get to volunteer and it counts for credit, so I was really interested in that. I had always been super involved and volunteered through school before that. It worked out really well, because coincidentally I was taking a few other classes that had CSL components, and the following spring I took  CSL 350/360. So I actually finished my certificate in my first year! 

I took my first CSL course because I have always known I liked being involved in the community so I was interested in continuing with volunteering. At the time, I thought of it very much in terms of “I want to help the community and give back”. I don’t think I really understood the reciprocal relationship between students and community partners at that point; it took me quite a while to fully understand that. 

The biggest thing I learned from taking CSL as an academic course was thinking critically about social issues. This meant asking questions like - “Is what we are doing to “help” this community the most sustainable way to improve communities?” As well, really challenging the mentality of the “top-down” approach to volunteering, and the white saviour complex that often comes with it. I think that’s the biggest thing, is recognizing that we really need to think critically about the kinds of service we are doing within a community, to make sure we are not doing any harm.

What are some of the CSL classes and placements you have done?

I took CSL 100 as my very first CSL class. I actually kind of wish I had taken that course a little bit later in my degree, because I feel like I was overwhelmed and was not able to really take it all in. I was in my first year, first semester so I don’t think I grasped the readings very well. I really thought about it as “I just want to volunteer”. Although I wish I could have taken it later, it was still really beneficial and I learned a lot.

For my placement I had a very limited availability, since I had lots of classes and a long commute. The only one that fit in my schedule was the Footcare Clinic at the Boyle McCauley Health Centre. It was not the one I was immediately drawn to but they promised us that we would not be touching feet, we would just be support staff and visit with the folks who come in.

People come to the Footcare Clinic because, for whatever reason, they are unable to take care of their own feet. They might not be able to physically reach their feet, or if they are living on the streets and their socks are always wet, they might have some fungus or a lot of them are older and have mobility issues. 

To my surprise, the first day I got there, the volunteer nurses began by giving me basic training on how to do footcare, then they gave me some nail clippers, and told me to go for it! They warned me about some of the dangers of footcare, especially for clients with pre-existing health conditions, and I was terrified. I thought I was supremely unqualified to do the work and I was worried about accidentally hurting people. I felt like the people they were seeing really needed to be seen by a healthcare professional - so when they handed me the nail clippers, it really threw me off! I felt pretty nervous and uncomfortable doing that work, but in the end I think I learned a very important lesson from that placement. I learned how to be comfortable being uncomfortable. We need to push ourselves outside of our comfort zone to learn and grow.

For a Women’s and Gender Studies class I was placed with Hope Mission, where I did the evening shelter intake. When folks come in we would put their stuff in a bag, tag it, put it on a shelf and give them the matching tags so they could pick it up in the morning. I got to do shifts in both the men’s and women’s shelter. Being in a Women’s and Gender studies class, using a critical gender perspective was very interesting to think about questions like why there are 300 men and about a dozen women? Again I was in first year, and I was overwhelmed, and did not have a background in thinking critically about social issues. But it is something that I think about now! Making my own connections at the time was hard, because there were more than 100 people in the class, and only a small portion was doing CSL. Most of the connections I made between my service experiences and courses I took were actually in my own personal reflections after I took the class.

In the spring semester of that year I took the CSL 350/360 class. Sadly, the trip to Nicaragua got cancelled because of political tensions in Nicaragua. The Canada travel advisory changed two weeks before we were scheduled to go, and our trip was cancelled because it was deemed high risk travel. Even though we didn't get to go on the trip, I really learned a lot and I got to reflect on my volunteer experiences from when I was younger. When I was 16 I went to volunteer at an orphanage in Tanzania, so thinking back I realized how voluntourism and white saviour complex played a role in that trip. These were things I did not realize when I was younger - but that class has really shaped how I am interested in travelling now, and in the future. Also, thinking about the idea of solidarity and how even though we didn’t travel to Nicaragua, I think we made a very positive impact by the work that we did here. We hosted a fundraiser to work to support the organizations that we would have been working with in Nicaragua and I think that was equally valuable, if not more valuable, for those organizations. 

How did CSL change how you think about certain things?

I think the biggest thing for me was thinking critically about service and about social issues in my community. It’s hard to seperate CSL from the rest of my education because I have made so many connections between CSL and the rest of my courses. Now, when I approach service-learning I can better understand the systemic barriers that are faced by members of the community. That is something that I would not have thought about as much in my CSL placements during my first year, like the Footcare Clinic or Hope Mission. As I have gotten further in my degree, I can look back on those experiences and think about them more critically.

How else has working with CSL shaped what you do?

After the Nicaragua trip was cancelled, I started applying for summer jobs instead. I saw one with Residence Services for a Service-Learning Intern - I applied and I was hired! If I would have been in Nicaragua, I would have missed out on that. I have had that job for 2 years now, coordinating service-learning opportunities for people living in residence. I have not lived in residence and working there made me realize how intentional the service-learning programs are. Being on that planning and coordination side of things I learned so much! This experience was after I had taken those CSL classes - and I could really think back to my experiences and reflect on those from this new perspective I had gained from this position.

I was also the CSL intern in Fall 2019 so that gave me a different side of CSL. I had experience with directly planning and facilitating service-learning programs with Residence Services - but on the CSL side I got to develop new skills by working behind the scenes. Being responsible for communication, meeting community partners, and interviewing them was so interesting. I learned about so many great organizations, and I just wanted to get involved with all of them.

I was doing the Non-Profit Board Internship, and I was with the Centre for Race and Culture. I really enjoyed the workshops for this program. I worked on a self care report for the organization. I developed a survey to send out to staff to assess how supported they felt in terms of being able to care for themselves in the workplace. This survey really took a step back to look at the systems and structures in place that allow staff to care for themselves rather than expecting them to do it all on their own. 

What was the most important lesson you have learned?

I think I keep saying the same thing, but thinking critically about social issues and thinking about my role and identity in relation to those social issues, has been so important! It has changed how I choose to work within the community. Now, I am really focused on building mutually beneficial relationships and valuing reciprocity in community service.

How has CSL impacted your academic or personal life?

I have been able to make better connections with my academic and personal life - but even recently I have been able to branch out and take a lot more options in my classes. I have taken Anthropology courses about race and racism, or about gender, age and culture. I am able to make a lot of connections between all the courses I am taking and the service work I have done too.

CSL has been a large part of my academic life - and I have become a lot more intentional, critical and reflective about the kind of work I want to do in the future. 

How has CSL impacted your career path or future endeavours?

CSL played a very direct role in the two internships I held as a student. After completing my studies in August 2020, I was inspired to look for work in the non-profit sector. Working with a non-profit has been a dream of mine for many years, but my experiences working and volunteering with many different non-profits throughout my degree helped me narrow down exactly what I wanted to do. Now, I work as a Program Coordinator for Catholic Social Services in Immigraton and Settlement. I get to apply a lot of the skills I learned during my two internships and my CSL placements in my every day work. 

[god-wishes-he-was-me]

The Humble Adventure of Bitch & Boomer

{hi so during quarantine I had to write weekly journals for English class, and my relationship with my best friend started changing, causing me enough stress to ACTUALLY HAND THIS IN. So enjoy, I feel weird having three chapters typed up doing nothing so...have mercy I word vomited:/

Ps. All our cuss words are bleeped coz it was for school

Chapter One

On April 29th, 2020, Thalia's best friend of eleven years casually mentioned that he wanted to marry her.

Zach and Thalia had been buds since kindergarten. They'd never made any romantic confessions, except for the time Thalia wrote Zach a love note and gave it to him behind a dumpster in fourth grade. She's never been able to live that one down. They've both had feelings for eachother, but never at the same time, leaving them stuck in a vicious cycle of unrequited feelings.

The pair did have two lost years where Thalia couldn't talk to Zach without getting upset. She had left all of her toxic friends behind her and started all over in an effort to salvage her mental health. Zach was not a toxic friend however, he was just friends with the people that were unknowingly being damaging. Thalia had managed to have a pretty okay time with her new friends that were kinder, but after two years of not speaking Thalia didn't really have a say in whether or not they were friends. The two live really close to each other, and on Thalia's walk to school everyday she passed his house. Thirteen year old Zach waited outside every morning just to walk one block with her. That turned into walking home, hanging out during school and eventually helping each other through some pretty tough stuff.

Early in they're first year of highschool, Thalia's dad moved down the street from Zach's house. She went from staying every other weekend at her dad's to every other week, seeing Zach by chance and by choice.

Who would've thought they would have a Boy Next Door™ story?

Highschool brings the two closer than ever, walking to and from school with a longer commute, both almost failing math (well, he failed, Thalia barely made 60%) and became a dynamic duo in their school's cafeteria. Don't get me started on cafeteria, they go to school an hour early to cook and sell baked goods every morning, talking about anything and everything. Not to mention serving lunch twice a week.

Everything was right as rain for a while, keeping up the off and on pining and beating eachother up in the halls. Continuously rolling their eyes at their parents swearing they'll end up together while suppressing their real emotions. Then this little thing called Covid-19 came into the world.

Nothing like a global pandemic to force you into facing your feelings am I right?

One day, Thalia got a call from Zach, not out of the ordinary for them seeing as they do nothing but banter. In this call Zach complains about his mom (also not out of the ordinary) and segways into the dream he had the night before(Thalia regularly dreams about Zach. Romantic or not, he'd been a pretty common occurrence in her subconscious). Zach recounts his dream, that just happened to be about their wedding. This led to them planning their wedding. They talk about the music, and rings (tattoos instead, so they wouldn't wreck rings. Thalia gets a small band to ward off the creeps.), and even plan some food. The back of Thalia's mind consisted of what could only be described as "!!!!!!!!!!". Normally the phrase used was: "If we get married" (in a joking way) but as of recently it had changed to "when we get married". As if the two had accepted the eventuality of being together.

This understandably sent Thalia into a crisis. Never before had she said the words " I'm fine, everything is fine" more in her life.

During quarantine, Zach was the only person Thalia was allowed to see other than her immediate family. To clarify, she wasn't working, he wasn't working, they still kept they're circles as small as possible. All while following social distancing with others and wearing masks. This was a necessary interaction for Thalia and Zach's mental stability. One week alone in her house had Thalia going stir crazy, and had Zach getting in arguments with his parents. To sooth each other's impending breakdowns, they hung out with permission. Walking a block and a half to keep themselves sane. Thalia and Zach don't really function after being seperated for long periods of time.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, Thalia's brain was imploding.

The next day, Thalia asked Zach to go for a walk around Langford lake, figuring there, her best friend would make a move. No such thing happens.

They walk, throw rocks into the lake, and have a good bant. Thalia gives her friend many openings to make his move, but he doesn't take a single one. At one point Zach decides he's going to teach Thalia how to climb a tree (surprisingly easy for her to do, she just never got around to it). The two then spent a solid twenty minutes just looking at each other with expectant looks halfway up a tree.

On their walk home Thalia told Zach about her post secondary plans.

"I think I want to go to UBC for psychology and become a therapist."

Zach looked a bit taken aback, "how are you going to be a therapist on a farm in Ontario?"

"Since when am I going to live on a farm in Ontario?"

Zach proceeded to remind Thalia that his grandfather was leaving him a farm in Ontario, that's why Zach was getting a degree in agriculture. She knew all this of course, she just didn't realize she was coming along.

"We can get some chickens if you want", Zach offered, not acknowledging the weight of his suggestions.

"Sure! Can we work our way up to cows?" Thalia, a drama kid, is good at acting calm while panicking.

The pair planned their life together down to the type of truck and rocking chairs they'd use when making fun of teenagers in their old age.

"There ya go, life planned" Zach finished, patting Thalia on the back. Throughout this conversation Thalia couldn't help but quietly smile. She hadn't realized how much her friend had thought about their future.

Where their hangout usually would end (with Zach dropping Thalia off at her house and walking the rest of the block to his own), Zach asked Thalia to walk with him. She made zero hesitation to agree. Zach ran into his house, returning with donut money, his younger brother, and his dog Bug.

Bug barked at Thalia as usual, but the scruffy little brown and black mut barked slightly less than she had the time before. The group walked to Tim Hortons, chatting and horsing around as per usual. Zach made his way inside and returned with donuts (three for him one for Thalia). She caught him staring at her, smiling with a different light in his eyes. The energy between them was different than usual. There were unspoken things that needed to be said.

Thalia didn't finish her donut. She plopped the rest of her sour cream glaze into her friends mouth without hesitation from either party. They fed each other regularly, Zach putting a water bottle to her lips knowing she was thirsty without even looking. Thalia had a milkshake during a class they shared once, and Zach groaned.

"Ughaghherraaww",he leaned his head back, expelling the noise. Without a thought, Thalia passed her milkshake to Zach knowing that's what he wanted. It took a second for the pair to realize they had communicated abnormally. They were comfortable with one another, never running out of things to talk about.

When Thalia got home, she had a cinematic moment. Closing the door behind her, leaning against it and listening to the rattling of her heart slowly calm. Things were beginning to happen.