#Would she still have mistreated me so. Only for her own gain

[astral-catastrophe]

.

[inamindfarfaraway]

I love reimagining Sofia the First episodes where Elena is inside the Amulet of Avalor from her perspective. You’re a sixteen-year-old heir to the throne trapped in a gemstone as a disembodied spirit with murdered parents, living family still in danger, a colonized country in need of liberation and untreated PTSD who nobody around you even knows exist. This has been your life for thirty-nine years by the time you finally find someone who might have the potential to free you. But first, you have to help her grow as a person. And all of these shenanigans keep happening. What was she thinking the whole time?

Sofia: (boasting to her friends about getting to sing the Enchancian anthem)

Elena: Oh my God, shut up. You sound like Esteban, and not in a good way.

Elena, a teenager and older sibling who hasn’t had the chance to tease anyone in roughly four decades: So… you’re expected to sing in front of a huge crowd tomorrow? Would be a shame. If something were to. Happen.

***

Amber: (deceives and manipulates Sofia and steals her amulet for personal gain)

Elena: You fucking brat! How dare you take advantage of your own sister’s trust after she’s been nothing but kind to you? Don’t you know how lucky you are? I would do anything to be able to just see my little sister again, talk to her, hug her, know that she’s safe and okay, let alone make her happy myself. You have so much, but you’re too spoiled rotten to appreciate it. You mistreat your family? Fine. Let’s see how you like them being threatened by an evil sorceress trying to take over your kingdom! ‘Cause trust me, it isn’t fun. Learn to be selfless or lose everything you’ve ever had! A BITCH FOR A BITCH!

***

Ivy: (takes the amulet to destroy it, which would kill Elena)

Elena: Shit.

***

Cedric: (deceives and manipulates Sofia and steals her amulet for personal gain)

Elena, who’s been onto him since day one, but feels completely unthreatened: You could be coveting any source of powerful magic, but no, you want the only one that you already know has a moral compass and will curse you for doing wrong. Genuine question: what are you doing with your life? I’m just gonna give you literal sticky fingers, and I’ll revoke that if you’re nice. You obviously don’t need much help to fail.

***

Miranda and Roland: (have sweet, bond-affirming moments with their children as good parents)

Elena: Aw, that’s nice. That’s - that’s nice. I’m fine.

***

Sofia: (is ten)

Elena: I’m so proud of Sofia. I think it’s time to enlist her to release me. Now how can I communicate that? Visions of Shuriki killing my parents and trying to kill me will get her started, right?

[lorcandidlucienwill]

One thing I am certain SJM will simply gloss over is Lucien's SA trauma and how it may impact his desire to have sex, so I wrote this little scene where I explore it!

Elain pulled away from Lucien, sensing his unease. As she’d climbed on top of him, deepening the kiss, Lucien had stiffened. Elain had paused the kiss, scenting a mixture of fear and shame and sorrow on him, hearing his irregular heartbeat. Then, she’d pulled away entirely. “Elain, I-I’m sorry,” Lucien said, voice barely above a whisper. Elain didn’t respond, staring blankly into space. It was just the same as it had been with Graysen; she was unwanted, and yet with him, it was worse, it was so much worse- “Did I do something wrong?” Elain croaked. She wasn’t very experienced, after all. Perhaps she simply wasn’t good at…it. “No, Elain, it was just…”  A sigh. “It was me.” When Elain finally gained the courage to look back at Lucien, she found that he was shaking all over. “What’s wrong?” Elain asked, hovering over him and placing a hand to his forehead. “Are you sick?” “Elain…” he said the name gently, lovingly. “This ailment is entirely mental. The sickness has long passed, but my memory has not abated.”  It didn’t take long for Elain to figure out what Lucien meant. “Who.” She was not sure she would ever get used to this feeling: the protectiveness, the desire, the pure feral rage this mating bond brought to her body. She had read up on it, and all the books on bonds had claimed that the male feels the mating bond pull and urges more strongly; yet Elain could not imagine anything more powerful than this. Perhaps their mating bond was simply stronger, for it had snapped almost immediately upon them both meeting each other. Lucien sighed. “Ianthe. The former High Priestess. But she is dead now; killed by your sister. It is only her ghost that haunts me. I tried to sleep with many others to get the feeling of her grimy fingers off of me, but then I got mated to you not long after and…” Lucien took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.” How could he ever think it was an overreaction? A product of abuse and mistreatment, of being overlooked in favor of others his whole life, to try and minimize one’s own problems so as to not be a burden. Elain’s anger surged, demanding to be satisfied, so she reached for that connection she had with the Mother, a connection she hadn’t dared explore after the Cauldron had lured her astray. The Mother hummed in her presence. Lovely Elain. What is it you seek today, Seer? You’re the goddess. Shouldn’t you know? A laugh. Of course I know. But I would like to hear you say it. Is Ianthe rotting in hell? A pause. That is none of your concern, dear. Considering what she did to my mate, it is very much a concern. Such rage and violence does not become you, Lady Elain. Where is the kind girl I gently held in my palms and gifted with magic? Elain hissed. Maybe that girl got a little bit tired of being kind to those who don’t reciprocate. Or maybe this girl is still that gentle soul, but the mating bond demands vengeance. You are better than this, dear Elain. Rest assured; Ianthe is getting due justice served to her. You know what to do, Miss Archeron. Elain took several deep breaths as she slowly broke the connection. The Mother was right; Ianthe was gone and in hell. She musn’t let rage overcome her. She should focus on the present-her present. So, Elain willed magic into her blood, and her hands began to glow with the soft light of Dawn. Healing magic gifted by the Cauldron. She placed two fingers to each of Lucien’s temples and whispered, “Show me.” Lucien obeyed. The healing magic combined with the mating bond allowed her to sort through his thoughts and see what was going on. Calanmai. Elain remembered Feyre telling her about it.

A servant resembling a tree insisting that he must do it while Tamlin resolutely refused, saying he would not perform Calanmai without Feyre there. The panic of the servants. Lucien’s slow dawning of horror as all the faces turned to him. Him discussing with Ianthe that the rite would probably choose him, and this would be a one-time thing. Her cat-like grin as she eagerly agreed. His body glowing, his body covered in whorls of paint as Ianthe clawed at him like a wild beast. The morning after, the absence of any feeling at all, so much worse than wallowing in misery. And Elain never let her hands drop from his face. She couldn’t take away the trauma or the hurt, nor did she want to; however, she could soothe them, help the good memories overpower the bad. Elain’s joy when she’d gone to her first ball. Elain’s joy when Feyre had returned from Prythian for a brief time. All the moments she and Lucien had shared together. When she was done, they simply stared at each other for several minutes. “Thank you for showing me,” Elain said quietly. “Thank you for making the memories less painful,” Lucien whispered back. He took one of her hands, interlacing it with his own. Then he placed their linked hands over his chest. His heartbeat was a healthy, steady beat. Then, Elain crawled back onto the bed, throwing her arms around his neck. “You’re very warm,” Elain muttered into his shoulder. Lucien chuckled. “It’s the Autumn Court fire in my veins; it makes my body warmer.” “Perfect for cuddles, then.” Elain nuzzled her nose against his neck. “Exactly.” Lucien wrapped his arms around her back, tucking her in close. They didn’t move for a long time.

[to-be-a-dreamer]

Okay so this post has gained a lot of traction and I've seen some questions in the tags and also a few other posts talking about the same thing so I just want to clarify what I mean when I say "Please don't reduce Lizzie's character and death to an extension of a man's" and similar things. (Just for some clarification before we start: I don't think this is some huge issue that we need to have a big fight about, but I have seen some people talking about it and I wanted to put in my two cents)

I know no one is doing this because they're misogynistic. I know there would be similar reactions if any of the men had the same arc over the season. I know people are telling the truth when they say the connections they're making between Lizzie and the male characters aren't because she's a woman. I know no one is thinking about her gender when they're saying these things and that is what bugs me, I think.

Fandom in general, but especially the MCYT fandom, has always had issues with the way we treat women. We have a tendency to reduce them to one or two characterizations (kind, mothering, vengeful, etc.) or to their relationships with men, things that aren't inherently bad things for a character to be. The issue comes from when that's the ONLY thing they ever get to be. They're not allowed to be as complex as the men. Again, I'm not at all saying that anyone is doing this on purpose, it's just a pattern that fandom culture as a whole seems to struggle with.

And when you have an issue like, that the answer isn't to ignore the gender aspect and treat all characters the same. You have to intentionally combat it. You have to take the time to deliberately give the female characters complex characterizations and interesting storylines outside of the men. It's equality vs. equity, you know?

If you've ever done research about writing POC characters, you've probably heard people say something like "Don't just write them like you would a white character because you might accidentally enforce stereotypes and biases you didn't even know existed. You have to be aware of those things so you can intentionally go against them." It's kinda similar to that in my head. You can't just say "I would do the same thing for a man" and be done with it because men and women have been treated very differently in fandom spaces and if we want to change that, we have to be intentional about how we write them.

I don't think there's anything inherently misogynistic about connecting Lizzie's death to the Canary Curse or Joel's revenge arc, but I would like her to also have her own character lore and a connection to the Watchers that isn't about a man. In a fandom space where women are constantly defined by their relationships with men and with a character who had as tragic a story as Lizzie, I would love for some of her lore to be about her and her alone. Connections to Jimmy and Joel are awesome! I love reading them! But I don't want that to be the only thing about her, even if that's what you would talk about if she were a man. She's not a man, she's a woman in a space where women are often mistreated or only seen as extensions of men. So even if you genuinely would say the same things about a man I just want you to challenge yourself to dig a little deeper with her character and find ways to give her something that is wholly and truly her own.

She had her own plans for revenge that went horribly wrong and ultimately led to her death! Even in her vengeful anger, she held a soft spot for Pearl because she remembered how she saved her in Session 1! She was forgotten and ignored by almost everyone! She tried to cheer herself up by doing something harmless and fun and that led to her being punched and then murdered for no reason! She wasn't even angry at Jimmy when he accidentally murdered her because she felt like it was her own fault! She tried so hard at everything she did and it still wasn't enough! She knew no one would come to save her from the caves! The only thing she asked of anyone was for them to come to her slumber party and still only one person showed up for her! She was forced to turn on her own husband to complete her task! She tried to make it up to him and it led to her being out of the game! No one even gave her a funeral when she was gone! She was forgotten and ignored in both life and death! There is so much more to her than being motivation for a man or breaking a man's curse, even if those are big things that happened.

Again, I'd like to make it very clear that I'm not angry about the way Lizzie has been treated, I'm mostly joking whenever I say things like in the original post. It's mostly just a feeling of "Come on I know we can do better than that!" And in the past few days I've seen a lot of people do some really amazing things with her character! So much amazing art and fanon lore! This isn't even a huge issue anymore because a lot of people have begun to explore her individual character now that the excitement about the Canary Curse has died down. This post is just an explanation for people who were asking questions or weren't sure what people meant in some posts from earlier in the week.

[lostonmari]

SUCCESS #2 - November

Success #2 -- Everything I manifested in November

November is when I started this blog, and also ACTUALLY started applying all of the things I learned started taking affirming and thinking in my favor seriously instead of just sporadically manifesting random things here and there because I was too lazy to put in the work. I never had issues w wavering, but I was just inconsistent as fuck (Hell, I'm still inconsistent with posting on my own damn blog, yall can't possibly think I'm consistent with affirming!) So here's everything I manifested…

Manifested back my old bestfriend/ex-gf after 4 years no contact She came back, apologized for mistreating me and told me basically everything I affirmed for LMAO. and that's one of the things that gave me faith in the law because ik this girl would rather die than ever apologize to someone. Now that she's back I'm manifesting away her friends and leaving her broke down and in shambles because I'm evil and believe in revenge. yall dont know the type of bullsh*t this woman put me through. Idc if everyone is you pushed out, some people don't deserve forgiveness 🤓

My mom is walking again I successfully revised her shattered ankle without the weeks of recovery time the doctors "thought" she needed. She's literally walking around just fine now and doesn't need to wear her cast or whatever that big bulky thing was.

Manifested my brother out of jail on a time crunch Now I'm not sharing my family's whole drama online but… yea. he's out.

No more social anxiety, cured one of my mental health issues I don't wanna trauma dump or go into too much detail about my life but, yes. for anyone also working on mental health, it can be done and you won't regret trying. Life actually feels like it has meaning now and for once in all my years of life, I can actually say that I'm happy. 💗

Stopped nail biting COMPLETELY! I used to struggle with nail biting for YEARSSS whether it was out of stress, anxiety, whatever the fuck. but now it's completely gone. my nails are no longer STUBS, like theyre actually long and healthy. I didn't even affirm for this so I kinda think it came with improving my mental health since I didn't really have the issues that *triggered* nail biting anymore yk?. I'm actually the happiest about this result like yall don't understand how long I've wanted the natural french tips look 💀

[TW: Discussion of binging, discussion of food]

6. WL + Maintained weight loss! I literally changed my entire way of viewing food, and subsequently fixed my lose->gain->lose-> gain again cycle. Ever since learning LOAss If I binged I would be like: I just have a fast metabolism so that's why I'm so hungry my body is burning everything I eat so fast! and I would also tell myself calories don't matter because food is only energy. Basically, reminding myself of what Abdullah told Neville: "If you ate as I did, you would be poisoned because of your belief." (heavily paraphrased because my memory is terrible.. yes I'm working on it 😭) and it keeps me from feeling guilty abt eating. I ate SOOO MUCH food yesterday and I mean SO MUCH. I ate an entire box of cheese sticks, two large chicken sandwiches, 2 pb & j sandwiches total throughout the day, and half a tub of icecream for dessert… Yeah I was going crazy.. to the point I looked 5 months pregnant at the end of the night. Fast forward to today, my stomach is back to flat and back to normal as if it never happened. Food literally will not effect you if you believe it doesn't! This was my main focus too so I'm very proud of myself :)

Moral of the story is, never give up.

YOU decide what happens in your reality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There were times when I didn't want to affirm, so I didn't. If I felt lazy then I didn't consciously affirm or listen to subliminals, I just relaxed and went on about my day. I never made affirming feel like a chore. There were times when I had doubts too or thought it wouldn't work. I especially thought it wouldn't work for my mental health but I just affirmed anyway. When you're having resistance literally just know there's nothing bad that can possibly happen from believing in yourself and thinking in your favor. Just DO IT. Persist no matter what and you WILL get what you want!

I'll try to do better with posting my successes (but only ones that actually meant something big to me tbh. I don't see a point in sharing every little thing unless it was me overcoming some type of struggle) and answering messages but I refuse to download the tumblr app so yall just gotta see and hear from me whenever I feel like loading up this website. I'm just enjoying & living my life rn girl I used to dream about times like this and now I finally have them 😭

[upper-sixth-fanclub]

I find gyutaro really interesting because to be honest, I don't really understand him. In a way that makes me want to know more.

He says he likes pitiful and ugly things, and finds it funny/cathartic to bully people, even outside of his demonic need to kill. His entire purpose, his name, identity, is built around daki. To me, he seems to be much more motivated by his love for daki than his hatred for everything else. Does he really like pitiful things? Or just he just like having the ability to punch down?

Hello again.

And oh boy I could write you a whole freakin' essay on my thoughts and feelings about Gyutaro's character profile. The short answer is: both? Both is good. My dude has been sitting on rancid vibes his whole life AND death; no therapy, medical attention, or social support network. He was let down, and he's still angry about it, and the only person who never let him down was Daki. The slightly longer 'Charlie Day standing in front of a conspiracy board' ramble under the cut. Sorry it's a little rushed, I'm shooting from the hip here.

I will say I don't think it's impossible for a character to have multiple motivations as long as they don't contradict each other too much. He can be motivated by spite AND codependency. Sure, he's devoted his entire identity and career and autonomy to Daki, but he seemed to still remember his grudge against humanity as a demon. Their synchronized villain monologue was literally about taking fortune from others, so that they could live better lives. And that kind of self-righteous sadism goes hand-in-hand with how much he loves Daki. He'd been rejected by humanity, so he rejected them back. The only person who didn't mistreat him was Ume. Society adored Ume for her beauty, so he taught her to make that into a weapon. Which is awesome-- she stands up for herself and knows her worth-- but it eventually twisted into something awful when she's matured as a demon and just uses violence for almost every problem she has.

As for his sadism... again, I think it's not a case of one or the other. When Gyutaro was demeaning Tanjiro, many folks caught on to the way he was using words and insults that had once been reserved for him as a living person. That grudge carried over beyond the demonic amnesia, and it feels sincere and personal. I think he projects hardcore. He likes pitiful and broken things because hey, it's not HIM who's pitiful and broken, but unconsciously, he knows he used to be in that position. He's the powerful demon, he's the one who gets to be in a position of control now. And what did people in a position of control do for him? Well. Throw rocks and call names and bully.

I think his idea of sympathy is twisted too. I've expressed before how his affections tend to root in possession and domination, and so he relates to people with shitty lives by taking control of them. Again, like with Daki. He adores her so much and wanted a happy life for her, and she would probably agree she IS happy as an oiran given every privilege one could have. But she doesn't know that there's more to life than being an oiran and hurting others for your own gain. His ideology was literally what raised her, so her perspective is as rotten as his, resulting in an echo chamber. When Gyutaro began to offer Tanjiro demonhood, it wasn't out of a place of sympathy. It was out of a place of control-- he even threatened to kill Nezuko if Tanjiro didn't take up his offer. That's peak crab-bucket behavior: he wanted to make things worse for the Slayer siblings, even if he would argue the opposite. So I think yes, he likes pitiful things, but not in a healthy way. And yes, he likes to punch down, because that's what pitiful things are for, according to Gyutaro.

[jiwoomk]

hi everyone! first let me start off by saying congratulations to the admins on the grand opening of magickai! i'm super excited to be among the first few apps/muses accepted tonight and can't wait to start writing with everyone!

i'm em {21+, she/her, central} and i play (obviously) kim jiwoo here! i'm still working on her pages such as the one for her background and her plots but i'll be getting to those either tonight or tomorrow for sure! until then i can at least give you her profile page with the few basics and even some info down below which will hopefully help a little with plotting/threading something out for now! i'm mostly available nights and weekends (my weekends consist of friday, saturday and sunday) though if you ever need to reach me feel free to hit me up on tumblr dm's, discord (available upon request) or twitter (upon request). for now, i'll be listing a few facts about jiwoo here to get us going, maybe even add in a few connection opportunities as well which will be labelled as so.

if you'd like to plot, feel free to even like this post and i'll come find you! i can't wait to get jiwoo out there and can't wait to start writing with all of you!!

jiwoo was sort of known as the 'black sheep' growing up in her family. her older brother was always the 'genius' of the family even when it came to getting his powers/companion, mastering his abilities a bit quicker than most.

because she was mostly pushed to the side, even more so when her brother would bring home awards/certificates from school, jiwoo was basically free to just do whatever she wanted while growing up. she didn't have to worry about really getting good grades (though she still did excel in her classes but never expected any sort of appraisal from her family), she would even often hang out with the 'wrong crew' while in middle and high school.

even though her brother was known as the 'favorite child', the two of them still were close. he would even do what he could to try and get jiwoo in the so-called spotlight, but his efforts never worked and their parents focused solely on him. jiwoo never once despised her brother because it wasn't really his fault that their parents preferred their son over their daughter. {open connection for an older brother | junior+}

it wasn't until she gained her powers that her parents finally gave some sort of acknowledgment of her existence, though it was only because they found out that she was able to manipulate curses. they were only worried that they would end up being cursed by their own daughter, but it was even more apparent that they wanted nothing to do with her, even more so when they were quick to 'ship her off' to jeju as soon as enrollment day came around.

after that day, not once did her family contact or visit her, nor did they invite her to family gatherings. the only way she found out that these events were even happening where from her older brother, though maybe due to their bond or his own reasons he never would attend these family gatherings. rather he would spend time with her, the two celebrating the holiday's together instead.

despite still having her brother around, especially since the two now attended the same school, jiwoo only used her parents' lack of love for her to help push her forward. she was determined to better her own skills, both magically and physically, and vowed that she would show them one day that they were wrong for the mistreatment that they gave her over the years.

jiwoo's weapon (or rather weapons) consists of dual pistols. one of the pistols is black while the other is a more white/silver, both with gold accents/trimming and different designs on both. at first she wasn't too sure about wielding around guns in a fight, but over a short time she grew used to the two pistols, so much so that she now frequently practices with them when she's alone.

there's only a select few that jiwoo willingly got close to/befriended over her time at the school so far, though when it comes to others she's not really someone to take the time to actually approach them. it could be because of how she grew up, getting used to just the loneliness and accepting it, though no one really knows what's going on inside of her head half of the time. {possible connection of friends + some enemies who think she's arrogant | open to anyone + multiple}

when jiwoo isn't busy working or practicing, she can mostly be found either gaming or taking photographs during her downtime. it's her way of relaxing and giving herself some time to clear her mind, even more when she's stressed or feeling 'down'.

jiwoo is very blunt with her own words, often times being a little too blunt and not realizing it until she's said something wrong, though she's also stubborn and will refuse to openly apologize. maybe you'll get a note later on with "i'm sorry" on it but who knows.

her fashion mostly consists of more comfortable/casual clothing, partially because of having to wear a uniform of sorts while bartending at her job.

she's the type who will defend those she cares for and is close to, basically she'll fight anyone who dares harm those she has an attachment to.

there's more to jiwoo here but i'll leave those small details to her pages (when i finish them) and plotting dm's!

[melishade]

All of these Angsty prompted are really interested, so I'm just going to pick a random number between 1 and 50. Maybe 22?

This ask game

Hm...22 would work well for the Dark Timeline, specifically the conversation that Magath and the Warriors have after Optimus in holoform informs them about the secret execution of the Eldians once the Founding Titan was secure.

For more context: Part 15: Magath and the Warriors

"You lied about Marcel's death!" Magath yelled at Reiner, "You let Porco believe for years that his brother was taken by Megatron! Instead, it was because of your own incompetence! First Zeke, and now you! You lied and betrayed your motherland!"

"And what choice did he have, General?" Annie seethed at Magath, stunning Reiner. She...she was defending him.

"Leonhart-!"

"Enough with your bullshit!" Annie shouted at him, "The Warrior Program! Eldia! Marley! It was all bullshit from the start! You've just had your own head up your ass to actually see it! You just wanted to use us to do your dirty work and take all the glory! Because lets be honest: Who in their right mind would serve a nation that has done nothing more that mistreat, abuse, and kill their own people?! Do you really think that we would have stayed in Marley if there was any other option besides that shitty life?! Being on the island, was the most liberating it has ever been for all three of us! I was so close to thinking about betraying Marley one too many times because of it!"

Magath felt guilty. He was aware of the mistreatment. He had even grown attached to the Warrior Unit, but he had ignored it and focused more on the bigger picture. He had to focus on the future of Marley. He regained his bearings and spoke. "Have you forgotten the whole point of the Warrior Program?! Not just to gain the title of Honorary Marleyan, but to free the Eldians once the Founding Titan was secure! Have you forgotten the fact that if the Founding Titan remained in Paradis, there was a possibility of the Rumbling being used! Getting the Founding Titan for Marley, would have secured your freedom!"

"Do not lie to them," Optimus ordered Magath, earning all eyes on him.

"Why would I lie to them?!" Magath demand from Optimus.

Optimus turned his gaze to the Warriors. "Shockwave had managed to gain intelligence from Marley, and discovered that there was a secret agreement by almost all world leaders: to execute any and all Eldians once the Founding Titan had been secured. Shockwave is not known for his deception, but I had asked Megatron if he had any knowledge of this. Megatron told me that he heard this from the former general himself. Marley had no intention of freeing Eldia. They had full intentions of execution."

Magath froze when all three Warriors turned to face him. Reiner looked horrified and betrayed. Pieck stared in disbelief and anger. And Annie's eyes were just filled with pure, rage.

"...you knew?" Reiner asked him.

"I didn't," Magath insisted.

"You knew!" Annie yelled at him, "You knew they were going to kill us and you still lied to us!"

"I didn't know!" Magath exclaimed.

"But hearing this, you must've assume Marley would've tried something like this," Pieck spoke, "Right?"

Magath swallowed. "I..."

"Answer her," Reiner demanded, his horror turning into anger.

"I-,"

"Answer her!" Annie yelled.

There was no way out of this for him. "I...wouldn't have put it past Marley to go through with this plan."

Before Magath tried to come up with an explanation, a defense, anything, he was met with a fist to the face. Magath was knocked to the floor, crashing and knocking over a table in the process. Magath looked up in shock to see Pieck glaring down at him with fury in her eyes.

"P-pieck." Magath could only muster.

"I never cared for Marley," Pieck declared, "Like Annie, I only because a Warrior because I wanted to help my father. Even though I don't believe in Marley, I still believed in the comrades I fought beside. I thought you were one of them...but I was wrong. You would have let Marley do what they wanted with us, regardless of how you felt. Because your motherland came first."

"That-!"

"Now we have no real place in the world." Pieck's hands trembled, "Not then, and especially not after Shockwave's interference. Even if we somehow survive this, the world will just want us dead. Divide and conquer until none of us are left. That's how it always is. If we go back with you, we will just be securing our own deaths."

"All of you will be granted immunity," Optimus declared.

"What?" Reiner faced Optimus.

"During my absence, you all have helped protect my home and my family," Optimus explained, "I am in your debt, so you, your friends and family, will all be granted immunity once this is over. I will make sure that you and your loved ones will remain safe."

"Y-you can't do that!" Magath yelled at Optimus.

"Are you going to stop him?" Pieck challenged, "With what army? Optimus has more favor with both Marleyans and Eldians for his heroism and sacrifice. And Marley's military is all but gone. All but us, but why would we go back to you now?"

Pieck clenched her fists. "After Shockwave is dealt with, and we somehow survive, we are done. We are not going back with you to help you rebuild Marley. If you want to remain in power, figure it out on your own. We are done serving someone else. And if you come near the Warrior Cadets, and the rest of our families, I will kill you myself."

"You'd...really kill a Marleyan official?" Magath challenged her.

“I’ve killed, for years, for Marley,” Pieck reminded, “I have the blood of thousands on my hands fighting your wars and doing your dirty work. What’s one more enemy to me?”

Magath froze at her words. Enemy. He was...her enemy now. Pieck stepped over Magath and left the room, slamming the door behind her. Reiner quickly ran after her, while Annie stepped directly on Magath's chest and followed Reiner out. Magath scrambled to his feet, and tried to run after them, but Optimus quickly placed a hand in front of him and stepped forward.

"It would be wise to heed Pieck's warning," Optimus advised, "And understand this: I will not let you lay a hand on any of them. They will never again be your slaves."

Magath grew fearful, trembling at the sight of Optimus practically staring into Magath's soul. He couldn't move as Optimus lowered his arm and left the room, leaving Magath all alone.

Optimus managed to find the remaining three Warriors. Reiner was comforting Pieck, while Annie stood quietly with crossed arms, looking just as miserable.

"If there is anything that you all need," Optimus began.

"Did you really mean that?" Pieck spoke, "That you would grant us immunity? That you would keep us safe?"

"Yes," Optimus answered with no hesitation, "I swear to you."

"Even though we are your enemies?" Pieck questioned.

"You are children forced into a cruel situation," Optimus explained, "You have suffered enough, and I will make sure that Magath will not take you."

Optimus held out his hand towards her, but was stunned when Pieck just hugged the holoform.

"Thank you," Pieck mumbled, "Thank you, Optimus."

(The AUs are free game for this dialogue prompt too. And if you want to ask from them, again the link to it is up at the top.)

[cyberpunk-20xx]

Reading about people calling Johnny abusive (not just that one post, I've come across a lot of that in forums and Discord servers too) and I'm like 🧍🏻 where?

The only person who we have solid hard proof he actually manipulated is Henry (ie he slept with him to keep him interested in the band, and even that isn't specified enough to give a solid judgement- for all we know about Henry the guy could have tagged along willingly, dude was not exactly healthy to begin with).

And like yes Johnny's manipulative, but tbh... We mostly get told he is? I'm still miffed about that, because he's not the only one from 2023 who's manipulative, but since he's the only one who's called so by the authors, he seems to be the only one we hold accountable on that. That bothers me.

But people keep saying he abused Rogue and Alt??? And I'm sorry, like, where??? Yes he was an asshole, yes he cheated on Rogue, but he didn't have power over these two women?? Hell Rogue used him just as much as he used her in the end. She sold him off to Blackhand's plot for her own gain and she sold out for good afterward, I'm really tired of people sugarcoating Rogue and Alt just because they're women and conventionally attractive, they're not your helpless damsels in distress, those women were made of grit and blood and tears just like the rest of the OG Cyberpunk Red cast.

And Alteria motherfucking Cunningham was NOT a victim lmao, if anything out of the two of them she had the upperhand lmao, didn't you catch how she was his dealer (even if that's a one-time thing, which we can't know if it is) ? Or how she insults him every sentence? Like I love that woman but she was literally just him, but genderswapped, and not tech-illiterate, unlike Johnny, who death-unplugged her.

They were toxic to each other but there was no villain out of the two, same with Rogue??? And I repeat, I insist, Johnny didn't have the control over those two women that warrants being called abusive, given we have squat all in terms of actual canon proof of what he did to them?

If anything the other person he could have been abusive to would be Kerry, but even then it's a stretch/headcanons. Like, I got no problem with that, even got my own in fact, but to just come in and state he's canonically abusive?

We do see him trashtalking Kerry if we make him choose that, but even then there's still not enough of a pattern. Abuse isn't just a dude being an asshole to everyone, or being a bad person, because yeah I won't say Johnny's someone good to the people around him- it's a relationship that relies on active dependency from person A to person B, and person B holds power over what person A needs, be it emotionally, psychologically, or materially. Person B needs to have power over person A though, and not by accident or punctually.

And btw I agree that he assaults V, and that he fucking needs to back off, but that's him wanting to kill himself more than anything, really. Cus he knows damn well that if they do take him up on his "advice" he's gone too. By 2077 the man just wants to stop, there's not a single route where he's happy about the perspective of a second chance at life.

And yeah, Johnny can be called abusive of V by proxy, in his quest to get himself flatlined for good, but that's the only person we actually do see him mistreat on the regular, in a power dynamic where he has the upper hand.

But the way he acts with other people, that's not being abusive, abuse isn't a fucking buzzword to throw around to qualify someone who's a shit person, I know I'm getting worked up over semantics but like in this case I feel it's warranted. Johnny is too much of a loser to have abused people, in canon. He's a guy screaming in a mic desperate to be heard, but he never did anything to force people to stay. I know it's a bit repetitive coming from me, but I keep thinking the man was more of a victim of his own success than a mastermind of anything, much less the social kind.

[rubykgrant]

I’ve had All Dogs Go To Heaven on my mind since I talked about it the other day... the different concept ideas are honestly really fascinating, especially how the whole mystery/detective things would have worked with the afterlife and animals stuff going on. If I didn’t know this movie at all, and somebody gave me the basic info on the different story elements with a basic plot to work with, I would imagine something like...

This detective guy named Charlie (who at this point is a human), who’s kinda down on his luck, with a gambling debt and unable to solve a recent case. One night he drinks a bit too much, and seems to have a car accident... however, he actually passed-out before even getting in a car. The accident was instead staged by some shady mob guys who want him out of the picture. So, they put him in a car while he was unconscious, cut the brakes, and sent it rolling down a hill. Before it crashed into a building, it actually ran into a stray dog...

Charlie wakes up in some kind of limbo, stuck half-way to heaven; an angel greets him and explains the situation. The dog is also there, running around through the clouds. Charlie argues that this wasn’t fair, he wants another chance at life, especially since he was REALLY close to solving some big case, and he wants to know who killed him. The angel is doubtful that Charlie deserves another chance, considering he was kind of wasting his life by being a jerk... but perhaps they can still work something out. The angel gives him a pocket watch that had been in his coat when he died; it will symbolically represent his life on earth, and serve as a LITERAL ticking clock, because he only has a few months to solve the mystery (when he asks why, the angel explains that is actually when his “scheduled death” was going to take place). As an added lesson, the Angel wants Charlie to understand how to be more loyal, so when he returns to earth, he isn’t in his own body... Charlie is now in the healed form of the stray dog.

He discovers he is able to understand animals now, and since some of the mob dudes have pets, he can learn some info by hanging around them. He also gains a companion, another stray dog named Itchy. Charlie eventually discovers the mysterious mob boss has kid-napped a little girl; she’s being held captive until her family pays a ransom. Charlie rescues her, but is unable to learn anything about the identity of the mob boss or who killed him. Because he used to be human, Charlie can still talk to the girl, and after they bond, he promises to help her get home... the problem is, he discovers that her parents have died, and the rest of the family mistreats her (they were even planning on not paying the ransom, so she just wouldn’t be part of the will with their rich grandmother). Now Charlie has another mission- keeping the kid safe. This is especially difficult, because the mob has paid off the cops, so Charlie can’t figure out where she can go.

Meanwhile, his watch has run out... he keeps re-winding it to extend his life, but through a series of dreams and then nightmares, he’s warned that this will cause him to be sent somewhere awful when he eventually dies. Dealing with dangerous dogs, the mob, and crooked cops, Charlie and Itchy rescue the girl when she is once again taken hostage, and finally Charlie finds out who was behind his murder and proves all the criminal activity in a public, undeniable way. He loses his life in the process... but later visits Itchy and the girl, who has found a home with kind guardians that plan to adopt her. They share a bitter-sweet good-bye, and he leaves, expecting to receive some form of punishment; instead, he is allowed to go all the way to heaven, for giving his life to save the girl. The story ends with him and the dog, Charlie human once again, and throwing shooting stars like balls for the dog to chase across the sky

(there’s actually a small handful of stories out there where a human gets turned into a dog to learn a lesson in loyalty, plus a lot of stories where somebody gets another chance at life, so I just combined the two)

[winns-stuff]

It really annoys me how much RS and the fandom are so blind to Hades' flaws and use him as an example of "guy who hates everyone except his wife" when he's nothing but a jerk who has zero charm. The way the comic calls him out on being an asshole to everyone around him but he was so nice to Persephone since the start, with Thanatos going "where has this Hades been all along" only for RS to never have Hades face any consequences for his actions. I would have honestly love to see Hades deal with people cutting ties with him because they had enough of his attitude. Instead every conflict with him goes "person calls him out - Hades whines about his issues with his dad and his dating life - person admits they are also to blame for the situation and Hades isn't so bad - Hades continues to be a jerk".

The worst is that RS never really gives a really good reason for why Hades acts the way he does. He's a jerk and he abuses his power just because he can. If she had establish that Hades had previous relationships where his ex lovers and friends were only interested in his power and title it would at least make a bit more sense why he acts the way he does, even if it still didn't excuse him mistreating others.

It's hard to feel sympathetic about him feeling lonely and unable to be with someone when it becomes obvious he's to blame for being miserable.

Thank you! I absolutely despise Hades and the way that fandom always puts that son of a bitch on a damn pedestal, it has to be one of the most infuriating and angering things I’ve ever seen in my life.

I agree with you on literally everything and I’ve also thought it was pointless to say that Hades was misunderstood and lonely and was an actual good person when we’ve never actually seen him be a good person at all. I have never seen Hades do anything nice for anyone except Persephone and that’s literally only because he wants to win her over, if you’re an actual good person you should want to do things for people by your own will not some weird ass ulterior motive, that’s not what a nice person does that’s what manipulative people do. Doing something nice or even decent for someone hoping for something in return has never been the definition of a nice person so why are we continuing to characterize Hades like this while he’s literally been doing things for his own gain this whole series.

Also, the whole “i’m misunderstood and actually very lonely” trope is used so incorrectly here. Listen, I enjoy it when creators use tropes and put their own spins to them because if it’s done right it could be very interesting and really make the story flow easier, but this is literally terrible. You can’t just say everyone is wrong about Hades and everything’s taken out of context when we have chapters of him abusing and firing employees for no reason, humiliating and verbally abusing Thanatos also for no reason, cheating with his sister in law on his own brother just because, torturing someone on behalf of a person he’s barely even known whilst he has a girlfriend. There’s plenty of valid reasons that you yourself have shown the readers about why Hades has that disgusting reputation in the first place and you’ve never fleshed him out enough in order to grow the fuck up and actually start treating people decently.

Speaking of Hades ripping someone’s eye out for Persephone, first off it was always a disgusting thing because he literally tortured a guy so much he was hospitalized and traumatized terribly. Honestly I wish Alex was less annoyed and more scared, of course Rachel couldn’t draw him like that because everyone would be uncomfortable with what Hades did, which they should’ve been in the first place honestly. But when you think about it, he probably never did the same for Minthe and she needed it way more than Persephone did. I mean honestly if Persephone just explained that Artemis left Persephone at the party and Eros got her drunk and stuffed her in Hades’ car they probably would’ve understood and took it down immediately which would’ve been better than Hades handling everything. But when we see Minthe being insulted and discriminated against Hades has no reaction or response, Minthe constantly had to take the abuse that his family unnecessarily brought to her and he never did shit about it. He cares less about his girlfriend of probably years than he does about Persephone which he met literally three days ago.

Another thing that upsets me is the way fans justify all of this. I’ve seen many people say things like “Hades must’ve had a reason to be upset!!! He’s never gotten actually angry at people before!!! He likes screwing around with people but he never means it!!”, let me let you in on a secret. Hades is always angry and when he’s angry he always means it otherwise he wouldn’t be angry. What do you mean he likes to fuck with people? This guy never lets the act down if that’s the case, we never hear Hades joking around with employees and taking back/apologizing for being rude mainly because he means it all the time. He abuses people, he is literally an abuser himself and everyone around him enables that abusive behavior. I feel like people let it slide because “at least he doesn’t treat Persephone that way!!” but that’s literally the bare minimum and I genuinely don’t think that’s gonna stand for very long either because like I said before he is an abusive person and he doesn’t care about anything or anyone except for himself and once he gets tired of Persephone he’s going to start seeing her as unworthy or replaceable just like what happened to Minthe. This type of person doesn’t just stop being a disturbing person just because they’ve added one more person to their collection he keeps adding them because it’s a pattern, they never stop until you’re aware that you have them in the first place.

Last thing I wanna say cause this is getting long but I also hate the way that my favorite tropes are being destroyed with this damn webtoon. Do you know how much I love female characters being soft and kind but also not taking shit from anyone??? Do you you know how much I love the whole “opposites attract”, “nice one x mean one”, etc. I love those tropes so much because they hold a very special place in my heart and also because if they’re done right they’re very endearing. But LO takes these tropes and sucks all the soul and joy out of them with the way they write Persephone and Hades, you can’t say that Persephone is the kind one when she’s never did anything nice for anyone and not even for Hades actually. The trope doesn’t even work for her at all, especially the whole badass side of her it also doesn’t work because the comic doesn’t allow her to be an actual badass. Like I’ve said before a lot of Persephone’s “raw” emotions are still supposed to be cutesy and sexy, she could be crying about something serious but she still needs to remain nice to look at which I think is absolutely disgusting. Let the girl cry like a normal person and stop treating her like some doll that’s nothing without their handler. Polar opposites barely count here too because the whole point of polar opposites is to have so many differences yet still share key similarities that bring you together, we can’t have that if Persephone just morphs her personality to fit Hades’ in order to make him happy, there’s no substance there. Also the nice one and mean one… They’re both incredibly evil, there’s nothing inherently good hearted with them ever so that also falls through.

Sorry, last last thing. I wish everyone would stop calling Hades a male wife, the dynamic… No everything about him is not a male wife and he’s not what they stand for at all. Male wives are supposed to be supportive, thoughtful, respectful, and attentive to their partners and partners are supposed to reciprocate that to also show their appreciation. Hades is none of these things, also stop with the Gomez comparisons because I will literally plunge my entire foot in a bucket of lava. Gomez isn’t even on the same level as that guy so there’s not even any room to say any of that. Gomez>>>>>>>>>>>>Hades.

[writingonesdreams]

Flash fiction friday

For @flashfictionfridayofficial prompt

A mind mage tries to make a revenge driven boy to open up to her. By force if necessary.

Meeting of the minds

"You went through my memories." Sonny accused her. His eyes turned bloody red colour and his body went dangerously still.

Mae tensed up involuntarily, but managed to keep her voice steady.

"Yes. Because you found out a secret that turned your world upside down, and yet you can't bring yourself to share it with anyone. You push them all away."

"People like you are the reason. So much for trusting you."

"You were dying to tell somebody, but your own stubbornness made you incapable of doing so. I did you a favour."

He laughed hoarsely, amazement fighting denial with a note of desperation at the edges. She felt sorry for him. The things she found out about what happened to his family were terrible. His City was so afraid of their rare powers, they were mistreating and isolating them in fear. When they tried to rise up against the City council, they were killed. 

And Sonny’s brother took the blame to protect their family name. He took upon himself how their clan would be remembered and gave up any relationship with his younger brother in the process.

Sonny found out only after his death. That was three days ago. 

“What am I supposed to do?” he asked, folding into himself. 

Mae breathed out in relief at the sight. If he decided to fight her, mind magic or not, he would have killed her in a blink. 

“Come with me. Don’t trust a person who would turn your grief against you, like Vain. You don’t know what he will gain from this.”

“Because you are doing it for such selfless reasons.”

“No. I’m very much in this for my own gain as well. But I’ll tell you what it is. You can be sure of what I’m doing won’t hurt anybody.” Mae put her hands on her hips and fixed his glowing red eyes with her intense stare. “Everything has a price. It’s better to know what it is upfront, instead of having it bite you later.”

“Alright. What do you want?”

“I need you to come back to the City and convince them to help mine.”

Another laugh. “Oh, and why would they listen to me? I put my revenge against my brother-” his voice broke and he coughed before continuing. “I put my interests before theirs for years. Why should they listen?”

“They will want you back.”

“Ha. But I don’t want to go back. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would rather destroy them with the power they would accept me back for.”

“Look, you are feeling betrayed right now. Because you trusted them. You trusted the greater good of the City and the council and how they managed powered exceptional people like you. I never believed institutions or authorities have good intentions. That they won’t go corrupt even if they did. But I believe in people. In individuals doing the right thing. And I’m in a harder position than you. I have no allies, no cards and a lot to lose, while you have chosen to see nothing of what you have for something you have already lost.” 

She took a deep breath and continued more gently.

“I won’t pretend that I know how you feel. Nor that I have your best intentions in mind. But I know what happened to you and how you think. So what about you helped me and in the meantime saw the City, the people that live and fight for it right now, with the good and the bad and the gray and made your decision about its corruption and destruction after?"

Sonny directed his carmine eyes at her again. Her heart was drumming painfully against her ribcage. This was her only chance. The only way to get help from a City as mighty and out of reach as his. 

“Fine,” he said after what felt like an eternity. “I will help you, just to see if they are capable of helping someone in need. Of doing anything good. With eyes unclouded by hatred as much as I can.” 

Mae’s legs were shaking from the tension. She wanted to fall over then and there. 

"I met them, you know. Your friends. Ren and Kai and Lory. They never gave up on you.” That was her last card. She saved it up for last resort. Now she wanted to give it to him in thanks.

Sonny threw her an agonized look and turned his back to her.

“You will have to help me. I don’t...I don’t know how to tell them. If I even should tell them. If I want to-” his voice broke again.

Mae’s heart flooded with sadness and sympathy for him. She wished she could come closer and touch him, comfort him somehow, but she knew touching his mind had been enough of pushing his boundaries for one day. 

She knew what that admission cost him. It was her after all, who forced him to open up. Still, it was the right thing to do. One day he would manage to do this on his own and to his true friends. 

“Yes, I will,” she promised.

Maybe one day, she would count as a friend to him as well. 

[rouge-the-bat]

i don't go to this fandom but is kurama a system?

i suppose he could be headcanoned/interpreted that way but i dont think ive seen anything that indicates that being canon :Oo

to give a little details of the canon, hes a centuries old fox demon, notoriously known as the king of thieves, and at some point was nearly killed- or essentially was killed physically- but he managed to transfer his soul to a human fetus so he could bide his time to slowly regain his powers as he pretends to be human.

he originally planned to leave his human mother once that happened, as he just saw her as a means to an end, but eventually he grows very attached to her and changes significantly due to her unconditional love for him even when he mistreated her (he treated her as inferior when he was younger), and it was shown the significant moment of change for him was when he fell over and glass shattered on the ground, and she dove to catch him to keep him from being hurt while her arms got badly damaged on the glass. since then hes had a huge personality change, and is outwardly much more compassionate and kind (though he still is capable of sadistic brutality, but he no longer is needlessly cruel).

later on during a battle in the show, an enemy uses an item that is meant to revert people that inhale the smoke it emits, them planning to revert kurama into being a child to take him out easily. HOWEVER, they werent aware of his original identity, so he ends up getting reverted to his demon form (called youko kurama, as youko is the type of demon he is) and is MUCH more powerful. some time after this battle, hes gifted a related item that he can drink to cause that reversion again. and during these moments hes reverted to his youko form, kuramas voice is different (more significantly so in the sub, as hes voiced by a different person in this form), and he notably acts different as well, being very outwardly sadistic and wanting to toy with his enemy.

however, later on in the show when hes gained the ability to change forms on his own, aka without reverting, then he no longer acts different in his youko form. and i cant remember the specifics of the situation exactly (a lot of the details of the final arc didnt stick to my memory too well, for some reason), but theres a point near the end where hes struggling with his identity and keeps himself from fighting a battle in his youko form despite it being more powerful. iirc i think it was that he didnt want to slip back into his old life, which hes been forced to face again recently as an old acquaintance of his named yomi- whom kurama had betrayed and sent an assassin after (who failed and only blinded yomi)- is now a king in the demon world and requested for his assistance. but kurama wants to stay as he is now, as a demon/human hybrid. id be able to give a better explanation of the specifics of this arc later once i get to it again in my rewatch jgkdjfd

BUT ANYWAYS, basically kurama is shown to have changed to be a kinder person, but with the capabilities to be absolutely brutal when he needs to be and still has a sadistic side he suppresses usually. though some people intepret him to be like those sides of him are completely separate, and i believe they see it like he has two souls in him, one demon and one human? which that interpretation could be treated like a system, i suppose? im not the most familiar with system stuff so idk if ppl with systems would consider "multiple souls, one body" to be similar/same to what they experience. it sounds like itd be similar to me, but i dont wanna make assumptions.

but like i said i havent really seen anything in canon that actually treats them like theyre Separate. its not like Bad or Wrong or anything ofc, but its defintely not the kind of interpretation i like, since i feel like separating those sides of him to essentially be like different consciousnesses kinda messes with the complexity of his character and how he struggles with and regrets his past, and kinda lessens the significant impact his mom has on him if he was also partially changed due to having a human soul... and i like kurama dealing with urges more aligned with his old self sometimes, as if theyre like intrusive thoughts in a way. but ppl can do whatev they want with characters. we all got our own views on em!

[incarnateirony]

Maybe another reason I feel so betrayed is... him.

Maybe that's not healthy, but think of it like a family member. It's someone you've known your whole life, and for at least 2/3 of it worked very closely with. And learned everything from. And took hits for.

I couldn't possibly explain why Aphrodite has a red X on me, but it's because of protecting him from herjeers at a weak point. Weaknesses few knew.

Shealyn I mistakenly confided those shared weaknesses in.

She put on a wonderful act. Liberty, freedom, unchaining. Her CHARACTER was the perfect woman for him, and she mirrored it temporarily ooc. out of character, she scorned the other women as "psychopaths" or "stalkers" for how they followed him around, or mimiced him, or mistreated him bouncing back and forth multiple times, and once he drew a line on time 2-4, and walked off and they were still there. Absolute lunatics. Wow, they're obsessed, she declared. Crystal would never.

She wrote these beautiful statements about never caging a bird.

And here she is.

Three years of stalking her ex husband through multiple servers for the powers she took advantage of. Ongoing harassment from supernatural to furry fandoms for literal dedicated years. Ongoing observation of my every moment, wherein one spy reports I mention a friend she must "warn" about me. Literal. Fucking. Slavish. Obsessed. Fucking. Whore cunt years. And somehow, her spouse didn't fucking care about this obsession, and even fed it, because he's that much of a blind cuck, and new to this being a man thing, and he's still playing little girl games that he's gonna have backfeed on him in shrot order.

Keep in mind when we say short order we consider it the realm of a half decade or so, fast shipping is a year, expedited is the pipe bomb in your face that blows off several timeline possibilities.

Regardless, all that time, the many offers,and chances, and roads. All turned away from. Only the illusion of "well i offer him best home", but the player never onboarding the actual information, and instead determining herself Best Home by proxy of an admittedly overgenerous roleplay provision for her.

And then to see an entire cult erected to that is... baffling. Mind blowing. And worse, the absolute mindnumbness of her followers to continue to follow as she openly rejected books, studies, learning, systems, open offers of information, only to pretzel in and try to argue the few points, and fail, and claim her cat is a goddess, I just...

There's times you lose faith in humanity; both the singular and collective. Between Shea's absence of true communal good outside of her own gain, and the like 2-4 idiots around her willing to continue these batshit mental healpathways into looneyville harassment town for petty internet strife I just. Wow.

Boy am I glad I meditated on the nature of humanity for about 20 years, because if I hadn't, Shealyn Bonds and her abysmal associates might have shattered my belief in all creation.

Unfortunately for you, you guys aren't that powerful. In the scal eof it, you're just smitable dipthongs.

The same woman who wrote Crystal, declaring it Greed to try to cage the Trickster and demand he stay forever, after days of realizing all her messaging was braodcasting the ex puppeteernig her once he snapped, could do nothing but stare at her bird in a cage, and post about her joy that, my goodness, his space was finally large enough to realize he had wings.

Monster.

That's from him, by the way.

[nicetrynicetry]

100

Monday and my stomach is still….wrong. I refuse to let the perma-indigestion and strange stabbing sensations lead me back to Google, for it has no sane answers. There is no single action that worsens the pain, nor is there one that soothes it. And yet I know any doctor or specialist would take one look at my habits and my history and come to the same conclusion. It’s a lonely place to be, suffering the presumed ramifications of something I’ve done - something I do - to myself. I go about the weekend making weird bargains with my own mind, somehow still producing paintings that abide by my own high standards, but quietly going insane. I see nobody except the men who smoke weed and urinate near my studio. I wonder how their stomachs feel

N and I battle on Monday night for the title of Most Mistreated in the realm of photography, detailing times we were cropped out of photos posted to Instagram for being the wrong shape or size. I see her removal from pictures by a friend at a “hot girls” dinner this year, and raise her being PHOTOSHOPPED out of a holiday snap in 2009, as in literally being replaced by Croatian sky using Adobe’s “clone stamp” function. N and I both have a tortured relationship to hotness, an Always The Bridesmaid syndrome with some of our female friends. We like to ignore those who find us attractive, or dismiss them as perverts, and focus on those who don’t. Separately, but not unrelatedly, I read an article about Lisa Kudrow feeling like a giant while starring in Friends alongside Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. I guess she now has the last laugh because according to recent photos of the female cast, Lisa Kudrow is the only one not massacred by plastic surgery. Ageing naturally is such a refreshing novelty nowadays that my resolve not to do anything to my face is strengthened. Do I also sometimes search online for expensive dermatologists who could change my face completely? Yes

I am so out of touch with the Roman calendar that I had been planning my life around the following week’s schedule, ie. what I thought I had to do this Friday (teach at my alma mater) is actually next Friday. But what good is gaining a week when I have this miserable ailing body to negotiate? Then I wonder where I get off revelling in all this self pity when there are people far more diseased and with far fewer avenues to health. While riding my algorithm along an online dating theme, I see a screengrabbed conversation from a dating app. Woman: I’m a paralegal. Man: oh my god I’m so sorry, can you still walk?? Woman: you’re thinking of paraplegic. I’m an assistant at a law firm. Man: that kinda sounds worse tbh

[egotisticalmachine]

mkay. another jarring realization. so, i cut off most of my family a while back, because my parents genuinely needed to be cut out of my life and unfortunately i was too scared of them tracking me down or trying to keep contacting me so i cut off other family members who i didnt want to cut off. and ive been thinking about reconnecting with my healthier family members, but i havent, largely because i know my actions must have impacted them and im terrified of facing their own hurt over what i did, even being denied reentry into their lives as a consequence.

and im realizing that might be partly an npd thing. ultimately i know that moving away and going radio silent was what i needed to do - my parents were stunting my growth as a person, they did and excused awful things, i needed to gain my independence even if i had to take it by lying and sneaking around behind their backs until i was out. i lied to my father for over a year saying i was still in college, because i was scared of getting kicked out if i was honest and told him i had to drop out. and this wasnt an unfounded fear, his one condition for me moving out of my abusive mother and stepfathers house and in with him was that i had to attend college. i couldnt do the one thing he asked of me and i didnt want to be homeless or sent back to my abusers, so i just lied, and lied, and lied, until one day i was gone and he didnt fucking notice for days.

i feel guilty for that, because i know it was sneaky and dishonest, but at the same time i feel correct in my choice and its hard not to blame my parents. they all treated me like shit and i needed to escape and build my own life, i was backed into a corner and forced to be dishonest to survive, just like i always fucking was growing up. and i dont know if i actually really feel any empathy for my parents. i can understand they might be hurting over their oldest (or in my fathers case only) child loathing them enough to run away like this, but they brought it on themselves. i can feel guilty for taking advantage of my fathers resources, but i would have suffered if i didnt. i can feel like a bad person for being able to lie and cover my tracks so well, but i think i still feel like my parents deserved the dishonesty for treating me so poorly, like they brought it on themselves. they should have known how to treat their own child. i think my guilt stems more from an objective knowledge that lying is "wrong", and that my sneakiness would make many people view me as a "bad person" if i was completely open about it. because healthy people shouldnt be able to lie like that. healthy people would have enough empathy to figure out another solution, one that might cause more conflict, but i was afraid of my parents mistreatment and of being seen as more of a failure than i already was seen as (even if they somehow STILL held me to a batshit high fucking standard) and so i was able to do all this. i dont know how much blame is on my parents and how much blame is on me.

and like i said, i want to reconnect with certain family members, but i dont want to face the fact that i probably hurt them, or that i might have caused rifts in the family. i miss my grandmother, but why do i miss her? because in my mind shes "worth" my affection. she was kind to me and understanding of me. she made me feel appreciated. what i would want is for her to recognize that i was hurting and saw no other options but to lie and run away, and to tell me its okay, shes not angry, she still loves me. but i know she might be angry. i have completely ruined my chances of being seen in the idyllic way i want to be seen by my family, because now they know im a liar, that i spent over a year hiding the fact that i dropped out of college and was planning to run away. i planned it. for over a year. there is no way for me to recover from that, to make it all go away, to cover up that im imperfect enough to be so dishonest. they will always know, and if i tried to reconnect with my grandmother or anyone else, i would have to face the consequences of my actions hurting them, the consequences of them knowing how dishonest i can truly be. i could apologize - but id still believe i was in the right. i would STILL be playing games with them. i believe that im entitled to this independence and growth even if i had to hurt people to get it. the scary thing is how strongly i do believe that. i feel somewhat guilty for any pain i caused my less harmful family members, but not so much for hurting the ones who hurt me, because they shouldnt have fucking brought it on themselves.

i think i miss my grandmother more for what she offered me emotionally than anything else. i love her, but in a disconnected way. i love my parents, but in an even more disconnected way, because they hurt me so much worse than my grandmother ever could have. it feels like just a general love, because theyre humans, i believe they all deserve to grow and become better people and find happiness, but its not the same kind of love im "supposed" to feel for family members. i feel like some above-human being looking down on them with pity and hope and contempt. and even then its hard to truly feel guilty for that disconnection - i feel ashamed, because my emotional disconnection is considered a "flaw" that some would say im a bad person for. but not quite guilty, i think, because if i had just been raised better i wouldnt have turned out like this. if they had put in the effort to understand my suffering, or to not cause that suffering in the first place, this all could have been avoided.

and so i dont know if i can ever reconnect with anyone except the sibling i still talk to. they all know now. they know im a liar. my sibling is the exception, because they didnt hurt me, they were just a child, they still are. theyre another victim, theyre closer to my level, theres still hope for them. i cant leave them stranded in that place. they still talk to me, and i dont know if thats because they havent been told what a liar i am, or if they know and just dont care.

i dont know how to end this post. im a liar and no matter how high of a moral pedestal i put myself on, i still cant bring myself to face the hurt i mightve caused my family. i cant put my ego in the line of fire like that. i may have been pushed into a corner to act selfishly, but at this point im the one choosing to keep being selfish for my own emotional well being, at the expense of people who i should have more empathy toward. and i dont think i have enough selflessness in me to fix that, at least not right now. i know im going to keep putting myself above them.