#a bit depressing I know but it’s something I wanted to explore. I think vitriolic and low-key unhealthy selfships should be explored more

[freddyyeti]

I don’t even know why I bother with you

[non-sequitura]

Non-sequitura Disney in-depth analysis (after making a tier list)

Warning: SUPER longform. If you don’t know a movie well, you should skip the summary. I tried to be light on spoilers, but they’re there.

I went chronologically from favorite to least favorite. So S tier is, in order from fave to least fave, The Incredibles, WALL-E, then Zootopia.

S tier (Something I consider high quality AND a movie I greatly enjoy. I would love more Disney movies be like this.)

The Incredibles - one of my favorite movies of all time, possibly THE favorite. Rockin social commentary, epic action scenes, memorable characters, not a minute of screentime wasted, great take on the Fantastic Four, hilarious parts for both adults and children, an interesting villain, etc. 

WALL-E - I love how social commentary was done here. Also skies above, what a beautiful love story. Really blazed a trail in non-verbal storytelling (especially given it was an animated kids film!) Robot animations are particularly delightful. 

Zootopia - another social message delivered excellently and entertainingly. I love Judy and her persistence, I love the expressiveness of the faces and the epic city setting. I love Judy and Nick's banter. This movie deserves to be remembered longer than it has been so far. Admittedly, not one of my fave villains, which makes it my least favorite of the Ss. 

A tier (either super high quality or something I greatly enjoy and deem of at least reasonably good quality)

Mulan - this movie did everything right. Truly feminist protagonist, an icon for strong Asian women, fairly culturally accurate (tho Mushu confuses me), GORGEOUS and iconic music. Lets a relatively natural romance develop. I frickin love the action scenes, I love the emporer. Sadly, this movie just didn't lodge its way in my heart as well as Pixar did. Pixar just has some magic, yo. 

Cinderella - my gosh what an underrated protagonist. Her family straight-up abuses her and she never loses sight of her goals for a better life. Iconic visuals helped bring Disney out of bankruptcy. A gorgeous alto singing voice. 

Wreck-it Ralph - alright alright ppl don’t crucify me for this. I honestly can’t think of much wrong with this movie. Vanellope and Ralph’s vitriolic best buds relationship is adorable, her forgiveness of him is heartwarming and (relatively) deserved, rockin’ Owl City song, epic visuals that mix together bc of all the different games. ALSO ONE OF THE BEST DISNEY VILLAINS NO CAP. One of the only twist villains I like. And we stan the romantic pairing. 

Tangled - I’ve talked about this a lot, but Rapunzel deserved the whole world after what she’s gone through. That being said, Gothel is not some shallow monster she needs to escape from, but an intelligent, well-defined monster with backstory. I could totally see this story happening if the world of Tangled existed. Epic love story, hilarious dialogue. Music is… good but much of it is less memorable to me. Visuals are good but not quite at the level/creativity of many other disney films. 

The Lion King - they really put Hamlet in Africa and pulled it off lol. But in all seriousness, no one took the premise of this film seriously at the time and it became sooo iconic. I love Scar and his eventual downfall, I love how Simba grows emotionally, I love the sad moments that don’t overpower the overall feeling of light goofiness. And music so memorable it was one of the first Disney musicals. 

Coco - not a super unique story premise. But an incredible culture to explore with such creativity and sensitivity. I love the themes of death not being the worst and music being so central to the story. Twist/twist villain was memorable and not expected. And yeah, it did make me cry, so props there. 

Ratatouille - the most recently watched of these films for me. This movie is soooo unique! Back when Pixar was truly super out there with their concepts. Super Parisian visuals and soundtrack. It somehow starts goofy (THE OLD LADY TRIES TO KILL REMY WITH A SHOTGUN WHILE WEARING A GAS MASK) but really drives home the message that you can truly do what you want regardless of who you are. Colette can get it. And the monologue by Ego at the end is one of my favorites in film. 

Frozen - Anna is one of my favorite Disney protagonists. She’s so resilient and loyal. Elsa ain’t bad either but she experiences… less character development. The film is a tad too pleased with its own self-awareness for my taste, but there’s no denying how iconic the music and visuals were. 

Inside Out - Alright, this movie hits home for me bc I tried to run away after moving. A super thoughtful, heartfelt depiction of (potentially depression? imo) with great moments of humor. Riley’s inner world is so creative and lovely. Also realistic depictions of Minnesota/California culture. 

Tarzan - Jane! is! smart! and! adorable! Her scientific curiosity makes her very endearing. it’s so cute to see her and Tarzan learn from each other. Also Tarzan’s “found mother” is epic. Solid score. Solid film all around. To quote Lily Orchard, “This film is what Pocahontas tried to be.” 

B tier (one of my favorites but has a few significant flaws that bring it down (or not quite as memorable to me, but consider good quality))

Peter Pan - Haven’t seen it in a hot sec, but I remember being super charmed by this as a kid. Just going out, having incredible adventures, and returning to a warm home at the end of the day. Tinker Bell is hilarious and beautifully drawn. Gets major negative points for the depiction of Native Americans tho. 

Big Hero 6 - I was super charmed by the protagonist, his family/friends, and the setting. The plot/villain’s motivations are a bit of a mess, though. 

Princess and the Frog - This movie has so much flavor to it! The visuals/music are lovely and unique. Tiana is incredible but it’s kinda annoying how EVERYONE keeps trying to shoehorn her into romance. The thing is, her goals are entirely reasonable. Focus on her restaurant, then look to settle down. But they’re like “nooo you’re ignoring the important things in life” smh. Also, epic villain, woohoo! The movie dragged significantly for me when they were in the bayou. Charlotte is delightful. 

Winnie the Pooh - don’t remember it super well, but I think it was charming and occasionally dark, which is an addictive concoction. 

The Little Mermaid - MAN ppl roast Ariel way more than she deserves. Visually, it was… fine. idk. This movie is good. I don’t have much else to say about it. 

Snow White - the one that started it all. Visually, super impressive. Musically, lovely. I find the romance a bit… off. Well, more than a bit. What is it with Disney and kissing sleeping people? 

Alice in Wonderland - a nerdy acid trip. Right up my alley! I also like films where ppl go on incredible adventures and return to the status quo, but THEY changed bc of it. Epic. SUUUUPER creative visual interpretation of Carroll’s book. Brave - gosh I loooove films where a parent and child learn to understand each other. Never got why ppl hated this movie so much. The Scottish flavor is present and fun. Merida made one mistake and made it up. The arrow scene is iconic. 

Cars - a fun ride! (hahaha puns.) We love seeing Paul Newman as a car. 

B-minus tier? (same as B, but problematic, or weaker story-wise.)

Hunchback - man… settings-wise, this film might be my favorite. I also love Esmeralda and Quasimodo as characters and as a duo (though the sexualized depiction of Romani ppl is not epic.) I also don’t find the discrimination against Esmeralda/Quasimodo jarring bc it matches the time period. Frollo is super interesting as a villain. The gargoyles are… def not necessary. Basically, this film doesn’t know what it’s doing with tone. 

Sleeping Beauty - Aurora was my favorite when I was younger because I thought she was the prettiest, and that still defines how i feel about this, basically. Visually lovely - everything is kind of elongated and gothic. Maleficent is spiteful and epic. I have no issue with the fluffier parts of the movie, like the music or the fairies. RIP for lack of consent being a plot point, though. 

Hercules - Megara is incredible. one of the only Disney “princesses” who acts like an adult and has cynicism as a major part of her personality. I love her and Herc’s progression where she learns to trust him (yes, he is genuinely that sincere, it’s not a front.) Muses are unique, whoever came up with them was high on something and I’m living for it. I just think the plot itself was somewhat unrealistic/ weirdly-paced. There are some memorable songs, some less-than-memorable songs. Art style is cool but I’m personally not a fan. EXTREMELY inaccurate depictions of the original Greek gods. 

C tier (entertaining, but I don't consider it a great movie)

Bolt - I watched this like 11 years ago. It was fun! A cool concept about those put on a pedestal learning their worth even without celebrity boosting them up. Animation was… fine I think. not super memorable to me. 

Frozen 2 - They really took any scrap of character development Elsa had in the first movie, threw it in the garbage and set it on fire. Anna deserved so much better. Songs are bombastic and impressive, have the occasional interesting lyric, but are really weirdly placed and none are quite as iconic as the first movie’s (except Aurora, she does great work here. Also the song Anna sings after she thinks Elsa died.) 

Not a big fan of the vaguely homeopathic theme. Not a big fan of Olaf’s WEIRD character development. Not a big fan of the suuuuuper awkward dialogue and the animations that imply not only that Kristoff is into his reindeer but that Elsa and Anna are into each other (if you’re questioning if they did that, yes, they did, I can find screenshots of some really weird expressions/moments. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PANDER TO YOUR WEIRD FANS, DISNEY.) 

The voice actors did great work, the animators did great work (look at the details on their clothes! Look at how Elsa’s posture changes to be more confident! look at how they're animated while they're singing!) Some weird costume/makeup choices that make Elsa look like an aging starlet, but she also has some gorgeous moments so eh. It’s a wash for me. 

They really did not know what to do with Kristoff this movie, huh. The only thing that happened to him was singing a cheesy 90s ballad and marrying Anna, both of which were admittedly epic. Also, the trolls got 0 appearances despite being literally psychic. Probably could have helped with a lot. I'm not a huge fan of lore/worldbuilding, and thee was a lot of it here. Overall neutral on it. 

Also a big theme in this movie I don’t love - **** TANGIBLE CONSEQUENCES TO OUR ACTIONS!!! The danger is Elsa’s death, the elements, colonialism, and Arendelle literally being destroyed. None of those end up playing out, so I was left at the end going “this film had literally no stakes.” 

Monsters U - same as above - entertaining at the time! Not super memorable. The ppl we were supposed to dislike kept switching. Doesn’t really match the canon of Monsters Inc (I thought they were supposed to have known each other since childhood so why did they meet in college?) 

Cars 3 - so apparently, everyone HATED this movie! Fun! I never watched Cars 2 (yes watched Cars 1 if you haven’t been paying attention to this list), but I didn’t think this movie was bad at all. Well-acted, some fun chase scenes, the scene where Lightning fails at driving in the simulation is genuinely hilarious, and some interesting perspectives on teachers getting the spotlight for their skills for once. 

Incredibles 2 - I liked this film at first, but then it was… just okay in retrospect. I love me some good family dynamics. The plot here makes not a lot of sense. THEY BUILT UP THE UNDERMINER FOR NOTHING AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT HIM. I was surprised by the villain swap, but it happened so last minute I never really understood their motivations even after they explained them. Tried to tackle waaaay too many messages. 

D tier (I didn't enjoy these or consider them mediocre)

Finding Dory - Maybe I should have put this higher? Like C tier at least. Ah well. Wasn’t a huge fan of the body/physical comedy (not my thing), but it was entertaining and awww finding family is heartwarming. 

Finding Nemo - I remember nothing about this movie. 

E tier (this film has significant problems)

Beauty and the Beast - *sigh*… I want to love this movie. The score is gorgeous. Visually, they could have made it more distinctly Rococo-era France but didn’t (why?) The voice actors did good work and I think Paige O’Hara is SUPER underrated here. 

The Beast is emotionally manipulative with an awful temper that (for MOST of the movie. He doesn’t change.) That’s the main reason this is in E tier. This movie shaped so many generations of people thinking they can change the behavior of someone who treats them badly through the power of love. But you can’t. She learns to “love” the beast under coercion. It’s not Stockholm syndrome - it’s a trashy romance novel. Big fan of Gaston as a villain. He’s an archetype ppl can recognize and it’s so satisfying to hate him.

F tier (I think this film actively harms the industry and would rather it not have been made. Both the one in E tier could be considered harmful to the industry, but I think they had significant enough artistic accomplishments to scrape above that. I'm also generally a fan of "lack of censorship bc it's better to teach what not to do.")

Pocahontas - this movie took real historical events and romanticized them AND sexualized one of the only Native princesses they’ve had. Boo. Nothing wrong with animation!Pocahontas as a character, it’s just people put her in a story that doesn’t represent history well at all (and these historical events, unlike those in say, 14th-century Germany, had super relevant effects on people alive today.) And they portrayed the Native Americans and colonial settlers as equally in the wrong. (though I like Governor Radcliffe as a potential villain and love the line “see how I glitter.” I can’t NOT laugh when I hear it.) Lovely music, though. Nice animation, but the colors are weirdly… muted? 

Bad Garbage (I don't wish this film had never been made, but I wish I never had to see it.)

Planes - this movie was ridiculous. I remember not much about it except that I kinda hated it and that it was super cheesy with tension one could see right through that immediately resolved itself via one twist or another. 

Haven’t seen tier: Recess, A Bug’s Life, A Goofy Movie, DuckTakes Movie, Lilo and Stitch, Pinocchio (actually i have seen this but I remember nothing about it), The Nightmare before Christmas, Toy Stories 1, 2, and 3, Up, 101 Dalmatians, The Great Mouse Detective, Cars 2, Moana, The Good Dinosaur, Pete’s Dragon, Fantasia, Peter Pan Return to Neverland, Fantasia 2000, The Black Cauldron (read the book, though!), Bambi (or I did and remember nothing about it), The Rescuersm, The Rescuers Down Under, Planes Fire and Rescue, Bambi 2, The Fox & the Found, Oliver and Company, Atlantis, Treasure Planet (I want to, though), Piglet’s Big Movie, The Jungle Book, the Emporer’s New Groove, The Jungle Book 2, Chicken Little, Brother Bear, The Three Caballeros, Pooh’s Heffalump Movie, Dumbo, The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad, Aladdin (seen parts but never the whole thing), Strange Magic, The Sword in the Stone, James and the Giant Peach, Frankenweenie, Lady and the Tramp, Ralph Breaks the Internet, Doug’s 1st Movie, Monsters Inc. (want to, though), Meet the Robinsons, Dinosaur, The Aristocats, Robin Hood, The Tigger Movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, that pooh movie at the end without the title on it

-11/21/20

[internaljiujitsu]

Quarantine Coupling: Captive Cohabitation During A Pandemic

I lived alone last year. After divorcing, I got myself the nicest apartment I could and tried to make the most of my freedom. As it turns out, bachelor pads can be petri dishes for the type of depression that makes you want to jump from your thirteenth floor balcony. When my lease ended, I knew I shouldn’t be on my own — I needed to be around other people. I started splitting time between my girlfriend’s apartment and my sister’s house in Long Island. While sis was incredibly welcoming, it wasn’t an ideal situation. Gradually, the time I’d spend at my lady’s place in Forest Hills increased. Soon, I had pretty much moved in without really having a conversation about it.

By the start of the new year, we were officially shacking up. Our schedules meant we’d spend an hour or two together in the morning and then wouldn’t see each other again until nine or ten at night. We got along amazingly well. I think we both figured it had a lot to do with the limited face to face time.

Then came the quarantine. She was lucky enough to keep doing her job from home. Her workload actually increased. I could no longer teach jiu jitsu classes, but I had more time to write than before. After our morning pow wow, we’d split off to separate laptops and tap away all day. Breaks were for meals and working out. We had tightened up our eating habits before the quarantine and the changes stuck, so there wasn’t really any pigging out. We did our own thing, got together frequently for chats, hugs or gratuitous groping, then hunkered back down for some productivity. When 9pm rolled around, the time we’d normally be meeting back at home, we’d sit on the couch for some dumb TV.

It took a month for our first “fight.” I wouldn’t even call it that, because although the opportunity was there for it to escalate, it never did. Instead, we used it to analyze our own feelings and reactions. This would prove invaluable in the coming weeks, as her job became more stressful and I was exposed to a side of her I had never seen: Producer lady.

Producer lady can’t stand when people fuck up. She expects everyone to do their job and lets the world know when she thinks someone or something is dumb. She huffs and puffs a lot, and she sighs all day long. It makes for a pretty tense environment. If you let it.

There was a time not long ago that the tension would have been too much for me. I would have felt like I was being dragged out of my peaceful state by an enemy insistent on ruining my day. I’d begin to feel my partner’s anxiety, then resent her pulling me into it while hating myself for not being able to alleviate her pain. It would have lead to explosive anger and a compulsion to flee. Not so today. Disconnecting my own self image from her behavior helped me recognize her needs. The message would have gone over my head if I was bobbing and weaving the whole time.

But I also got tested in another way that I’m grateful for. When I offered ways to help relieve some of her stress, she bit back at me defensively. I was taken aback the first time it happened, then made a mental note the second time. But I didn’t react outwardly. Instead I examined the events surrounding the reaction and thought about each of our roles in the event as I perceived it, versus how she probably did. She did the same and apologized for her reaction. Then I realized she reminded me of someone. She was reacting exactly how I used to.

The pause I have learned to take before reacting to non emergencies gave me time to understand that she was being defensive when I offered advice because it made her feel inadequate or less in control. I knew because it was how I felt when I’d react the same in the past. I could recognize myself clearly.

At once, I felt regret for the way the old me had communicated and compassion for those at the receiving end. I thought about all the times I lost my temper and couldn’t really hear what was going on. Now, without being blinded by my own emotions, I could see that her behavior wasn’t about me at all — just as me offering to help her wasn’t because I didn’t think she could do it on her own, but because I wanted to make it easier on her. We were experiencing the same event differently, labeling each other the enemy in a preemptive strike to defend our own self-worth.

I the past, I felt so much pressure to do things on my own — to prove that I was self-sufficient — that someone reaching out to help became confirmation of my inadequacy. Despite countless hours of therapy, self exploration and couples counseling, my instant reaction time made it impossible to hear what past partners were saying beyond words — my preferred method of communication.

When you teach large groups of people, their are always a wide variety of learning styles that work best for specific students. The inability of a person to comprehend one interpretation of a technique does not ensure that they’ll never grasp the move. We don’t give up on a student. We retool our method of teaching so that we can reach each one of the students within our earshot.

Not acknowledging differences in personal styles of communication will sink relationships that seem perfect on paper. Two amazing people can keep missing each other as they misinterpret words and actions based on their own trauma and insecurity. The miscommunication leads to vitriolic exchanges that slowly trickle resentment into the mix. It builds up, hardening the arteries of your relationship. Things stop flowing. As my sensei used to say, “Stale water starts to stink.” Pretty soon, you’ve both gotta hold your nose to be in the same room.

We don’t get taught how to be in healthy relationships. Even if we do have a “successful” couple we can model ourselves after, often it seems as if the secret is compromise, indifference or loss of identity. Those who thrive and continue to grow, both as individuals and together, must be able to separate themselves from the reactions of their partners. The point of any relationship is to learn about yourself. You can only do that if you are reacting to what’s happening, and not what has already happened. Yes, loving someone feels great and there are tons of perks to being in a good relationship, but if you don’t discover truths about yourself in the process, it’s kind of meaningless.

Being together all the time during this global pandemic has been a sort of trial by fire. We knew we were gonna find out a lot about each other really fast. Did we really like each other? How long before we’re getting on each other’s nerves? Are we gonna have all these annoying habits that drive the other person nuts? It’s turned out to be a valuable and practical exercise to test all the theories I’ve learned, tools I’ve attained and skills I’ve cultivated over the last two decades. A passion for understanding myself has led to greater curiosity about the people I interact with and why they behave the way they do. With a captive audience of one to work with in the age of social distancing, my relationship has become a graduate level case study for me. In a good way.

There’s nothing sterile about my technical approach to coupling. It may seem as if it’s less emotionally driven, but it’s actually solely based on reading emotion for what it really is. In this way, it’s the most deep way in which one can affirm the feelings of the other person — allowing their expression while simultaneously avoiding the detrimental changes in one’s own physiology associated with elevated stress levels. You can’t think clearly when you’re angry. Trained fighters know this well. In order to understand the true intentions of the person across from you, you have to be relaxed enough to listen.

All anyone wants is to be heard, and this is what this technical approach allows for. Most people are more interested in talking about themselves than about other people. When every conversation is teaching you about you, you’re always interested. You don’t have to fake it. You genuinely want to understand the other person’s feelings because it will get you that much closer to knowing who you are and why you feel the way you do. Now is the perfect time. Dive deep into your quarantine relationships. Romantic or not, family, friends or roommates, take this opportunity to learn about yourself and each other by being mindful of your own reactions and forgiving of theirs. You’ll probably never get this chance again.

[violetsystems]

#personal

As of five pm today, everything is pretty much under lockdown of some sort.  They keep calling it shelter in place but I’ve been that’s always been reserved for active shooter.  I’ve been through enough drills at work sitting underneath my desk with the lights off to know.  This for me doesn’t actually change much from my normal routine.  Everybody knows I’ve been distant socially for quite some time.  Some might even say I’ve been begging for it.  The slow halt of not dealing with stolen packages or neighbors complaining about the heat is relaxing.  I spent most of the week filling up my messenger bag like I always do.  Just like a scavenger.  I don’t own a car.  It was pretty much stolen from me by my ex.  I don’t look back on any of it.  I just know where I am now.  I spent my day off arranging my office space in my kitchen to be as neutral as possible.  So my laptop camera faces my windows overlooking the train.  Which is also still running and always has been my main form of transportation.  I walk a lot.  I’d ride my bike but my front tire is now flat.  I still run.  Somebody posted some snarky picture of people still running in Central Park out in New York.  It is okay to be outside by yourself.  I think there’s a lot of disinformation from all sides about what is to be done.  America is a shit show like that but a large reason why we enjoy so much freedom.  How I deal with loneliness during this period is a whole other level.  I see people getting on camera, almost like Tom Hanks on that island.  I’ve been there.  I found writing to be the most satisfying catharsis during times of extreme loneliness. Physical connections haven’t always been so rewarding.  People can only impress you as much as they’re capable of understanding your expectations. I don’t have many expectations for society lately.  Which is why my own private space is a bit more rewarding during times like these.  I’ve organized my vinyl.  I exercise in the back room.  Nike Training Club premium is free for the time being so there’s a lot of new workouts to explore.  My cat is a god send.  She’s very smart and has a lot of personality.  I spent a few months understanding how and when she eats.  What she likes to eat.  I subscribed for delivery for all that dodging thieves trying to interrupt my own personal supply chain.  I’m not a business to disrupt.  I am, how you say, human being.  And through a lot of toil and trouble I’ve learned a lot of ways to deal with the small crisis here and there.  This is different and largely catastrophic.  I sit here and think how it impacts most people more than myself.  And I don’t know what to say. I’ve spent years defending my right to be.  And here I am alone on the internet like I always am.  A little less depressing for the record.  A little more in line with the times than most.  A darker future than I expected.  But one that isn’t very hard for me to soldier through physically alone.  Sans my cat and the nighthawk router that looks on track for arrival despite the lockdown officially hits at five.

I don’t think anybody needs anything deep from me right now.  I am ok.  I was at work all last week.  Some of my friends work for the messenger industry so they’re all in right now.  I work in IT.  I told someone that this kind of thing is my bread and butter.  We’ve had remote employees stationed in the ether for years.  I’ve been supporting remote and distance learning for a couple of years as well.  My initial freakout was that people wouldn’t understand this kind of closure.  But people in Chicago have really pulled together to be creative in dealing with these problems.  I just have to be supportive.  I am inexplicably a more front facing person than virtual.  I stopped making these videos of me talking about shoes.  I was only making those to show people I was still alive and had a decent headshot.  Not that I’m an actor.  I think after February I became convinced it’s not about that.  It was subtle just like everything in my life.  When crisis hits and you are just sitting there like you usually do it’s a bit of a shock.  I can’t say that I am in shock.  I can say that I am simply existing.  I have no emotions towards much of anything right now outside of what feels intimate to me.  People are much more afraid than I would be.  Maybe I have reason to be afraid but I don’t have the luxury like many other people.  I still see people riding the train to work.  Arranging expensive salads for people with money shuttered in their condo.  I worry about people not having enough to fulfill basic needs.  The real truth is people have been not having enough even before the plague hit.  You can see it plain as day on the streets of Chicago right now.  Downtown is filled with the homeless.  It has always been filled with the homeless.  One thousand dollar checks are appearing out of nowhere for every American.  I just gave ten dollars to the blind man huddled by the ATM the other day.  Meanwhile people are organizing Bon Jovi sing a longs with their neighbors.  It’s a fucked up thing to see without blinders.  My political filter has all but diminished over the last few years.  I don’t really side with any political party.  Every politician I know got there on a safe padding of millions of dollars.  The message is pretty simple.  Money can change the world and often does.  And the world still finds a way to fuck you over.  This time it’s viral.  And it is a scary reality to think about and have to face.  Many of us have not faced this kind of crisis of mortality on such a large scale.  China already has.  Things do go back to normal once the curve is flattened.  The truth is for the next two weeks my life is a little less stressful in a lot of respects.  Nobody wants to be following me around.  Everybody wants six feet between them at all times.  I’ve been asking that for years.  Now my wish is granted.  Thank you Wishmaster.  I think.

I think being alone is a great gift.  They say you are born alone and die alone. I don’t know if I’m that goth to believe that totally.  But being alone is kind of like being at neutral.  If you work on yourself enough, being alone can be much more satisfying than being around people with lower standards for themselves.  I distanced myself three years ago when I quit drinking.  I can’t find toilet paper to save my life but the liquor section at the grocery store is fully stocked.  That doesn’t really help my ass.  I used to drink alone often.  It is such a horror show to reflect on.  I couldn’t be comfortable with my own thoughts.  I know in retrospect it wasn’t my thoughts.  It was my inner self desperately trying to motivate me to be something better.  My inner self spent a lot of time after getting to a balanced state lashing out at the rest of the world.  The last three months I’ve been so full of hate and vitriol at what the world has already put me through.  Was it all just some big test?  If it was it feels like I passed.  And yet the reality is still out there.  How much longer will this go on?  For us two weeks.  For the school systems through the 20th of April.  For my jury summons on April sixth we will see.  I’ve been all over the world at this point.  Korea, Japan, China, New Zealand, New York and what have you.  After all this it is nice to say that when the world breaks, I can still play it safe in my kitchen.  My house is empty but spacious.  It’s the first time in awhile where every room is being utilized.  I’ve organized my things over the last two years that it breathes.  Between plumes of smoke outside of office hours.  It’s kind of a mind fuck to have to work from it officially when I’ve been on call the entire year.  Answering emergency calls from my kitchen while I cook dinner.  That part I’m not really worried about.  Not having to commute twenty minutes for a couple of weeks isn’t rough.  I’ve worked out my own supply chains despite subterfuge and targeting.  Emerging from this for me won’t be much of anything at all.  And the thought does haunt me that everything will turn back to normal and I will be forgotten once again.  For the record I don’t feel that way right now.  I feel relived that I can finally be in my own element.  My sanity is online one hundred percent.  So is my Diablo 3 Season Twenty character.  My love for that is eternal.  My love for you still burns.  Not virally.  You already know who I practice my social distance for.  If you don’t maybe mind your own.  I promise it’s worth your time.  It turned out pretty ok for me.  Until next time.  Wash your fucking hands.  <3

[miraclejin1204]

Mandatory bughead post #2: My thoughts on Bughead and why it is important.

I’m aware that the words ‘bughead’ & ‘important’ in the same sentence seem like a misfit but there is a good reason why I’ve chosen to write it so. This thought came to my mind whilst trawling through the morass of ‘ships’ & ‘ship-wrecks’ on tumblr & twitter about Riverdale. 

Now, I’m not someone who watches a lot of TV shows ,however, Riverdale was a serendipitous discovery that happened to me two weeks ago. 

I have been a fan of Archie comics since I was little & my two favourite characters were Jughead & Betty, in that order. Watching Riverdale was a revelation as it brought me back to the Archie’s world and I saw it in a new light. I went into it without expectations.

What I was not prepared for was how Bughead would gently creep up on me and reign over my entire existence in such a short span of time. 

You see, I have had a few ships, some fleeting and some enduring,some canon and some fantasy, however nothing as rabid or as intense that’d induce an “I’m SHOOK” moment. Until bughead happened.

When I used to read the comic books, I had wanted Archie to one day wake up & realize that Betty was the one for her, because I could so relate to her as a kind & sweet girl, being taken for granted every time and with a history of unrequited love. I’m 30 now and life-experiences, especially of the bitter kind has certainly changed my perspective about these things, especially about romantic relationships. No more suffering fairy-tale princesses for me. 

In the comics, although Jughead and Betty were my favourites and they always were good to each other, the thought of them as a potential match had never crossed my mind. I was intrigued and amused by Jughead’s woman-hating stance and had imagined that one day an extraordinary woman worthy of him would come and sweep him off his feet.I had no concept of sexuality and its associated complications that we see today, it was only a pure and innocent fantasy in my mind. 

I had only been familiar with the ‘classic’ and humorous golden age Archie comic digests and was unaware of the modern reboots and the various universes. Therefore, when I started watching Riverdale, I was immediately hooked to its modern,quirky & dark narrative and had my assumptions broken down bit by bit with each episode. When I started with the show, five episodes were already in so I binge watched them in a single night, which left me with little time to process the minute details and subtleties, which is why I missed noticing the growing chemistry Betty and Jughead. 

It was only when I began exploring the show on the internet and understood the whole narrative and tone of the show,re-watched the episodes, saw the interviews, trawled Tumblr & youtube and accidentally saw the leaked bughead kiss is when it hit me like slap on the face and a swift kick in the ovaries. It nearly felt like enlightenment!

Once I had seen and felt it, there was no going back. It was a like a virus firmly implanted in my psyche. I resurrected my dormant and inactive tumblr and twitter accounts only to ship bughead. I’m sure fellow bughead fans know the drill of our coming undone so I won’t go into much detail. 

Coming to the next part. Riverdale or rather Bughead has come into my life as a breath of fresh air when I am going through a very dark and stressful phase. I have been going through a very difficult divorce from a man, who caused mental abuse and cheated my family of money & absconded and left me to deal with the consequences and legal battles, triggering my anxiety,fear and depression. A man whom I had trusted with my everything and was completely vulnerable to, used me and left me with a deep fear and mistrust of relationships, trauma and some very hard learnt lessons. I’m an eternal romantic but a part of me has become cynical about it. 

Riverdale is a unique show as is evident in its excellent writing,for those who care to notice the nuances and characterisations. The symbolism, fore-shadowing, word-play, subtle body-language cues of the characters, parallelism and of course, a quality mystery is the gold-standard of writing. Can we also talk about the wonderful and talented cast who have given life to the characters? The show is a slow burn and not for those with a shallow mind who are looking for popcorn entertainment with a lot of mindless drama and illogical  and unstable romantic pairings based on lust and superficial chemistry,

Bughead is not just a run of the mill ship that people are fangirling over. It is beautiful union which tells you the story of two woefully young and tender yet jaded individuals, thrown together by a tragic fate, who are battling the darkness within and without, fighting for something that’s bigger than them and their personal problems. They are fighting for justice, light and hope. In spite of their struggle with their personal demons. Can you imagine what they are going through? For any child, parents are the safe space when the world around them crumbles, but both Betty and Jughead’s parents let them down with lies, manipulation and broken promises and the possibility that their families could be the perpetrators of murder. Under such horrible circumstances, they find the safe space with each other.  

They both are mature beyond their years, insightful, righteous, kind, compassionate, supportive and caring and there for each other without being asked. They communicate with their heart and eyes (sometimes with heart eyes too ;) ) It is not a connection based on lust and hormonal surges. Something very old-fashioned and real in the era of hook-ups. An oasis in a desert.

People who keep harping on about how there is no chemistry at all between Jughead and Betty and that it was rushed and illogical, then I’m sorry that you’re oblivious to everything that is going on in the show. They have been friends since childhood.

I think we do not give the writers enough credit for writing something so profound and refreshing in spite of it being a teen drama. A homeless, abandoned, rudderless boy, an outcast who is bullied, selflessly helps a  girl find her sister and uncover the truth, not because he wants to get into her pants. A stifled, lonely yet nurturing and loving girl giving strength, support and courage to a lost and scared boy failed by his father and society. They are each other’s guardian angels.

So I ask this to all the haters..can’t you see this? Are you so blinded by your superficial hate and violent desire to stuff your ship down everyone’s throats because it gives you some sort of false sense of control over others that you have lost the ability to objectively see what the show is striving for through this beautiful narrative within the confines of what is ostensibly a teen drama? Can we not rise above our pettiness of mindless and hostile shipping to learn from it? Everyone is free to ship whomever and whatever they want but it is another thing to be so vitriolic and spiteful towards the others to have your way. Isn’t shipping supposed to be all about love anyway? Bughead is so much above all this petty drama, it is transcendental.  

There’s so much that all of us, teens and even adults can learn from this ideal of a super healthy relationship that both television and our lives need. We need to move away from toxicity both in entertainment and our lives. Can we not be inspired to work on ourselves and build supportive, organic and nurturing relationships? This should give so much inspiration to the teens of today. With Betty & Veronica, the show strives to re-build the idea of strong, female friendships which seems to have become an alien concept in the world of ‘frenemy’ culture. Why can’t two girls be healthy best friends without the assumption that there is something sexual between them? People are hating on Bughead also for a fact that they are a heterosexual couple. As I see it, love is love in any shape or form.

Also, I do agree that all sorts of representation must have a place in popular culture and thankfully it is happening. However, those who are unhappy with Bughead saying that it erases Jughead’s asexuality, I disagree. Are you saying that Asexual people can’t fall in love? That they don’t deserve an intimate bond with another?

Now, in the larger Archie comicverse, Jughead was never portrayed as being an asexual, he simply was smarter and wiser and had other priorities compared to his hormone crazed pals. He was always the voice of reason. I’m sure that there are people like that, not everyone who doesn’t choose to be a crazy, horned dog is asexual. Besides, Jughead is shown to be asexual in only one version of the comics. There can be multiple variations of characteristics in the larger universe. Riverdale chooses its own narrative and characters as it sees fit for the context of the show. Therefore, in this version, Jughead isn’t asexual or aromantic. There is no erasure of any kind. Even if he were asexual, I’m sure that Bughead still can have a loving and healthy relationship.

It is my personal opinion and I am not trying to belittle anyone or trivialising the serious issue of representation in anyway. However, I do feel that in today’s world where there is so much hate and strife, showing love and companionship in its true and purest form is the most important issue here, first and foremost. It doesn’t really matter whatever is the sexuality or orientation of the characters in question. So, let us all keep our differences aside and show our love and support to something is for the greater good. Love is universal and not restricted to a specific type or form. Besides, it is fiction,let’s remember that. 

I also think that we must avoid pressuring or attacking the creative team, actors and show runners into bullying them to change their vision for the show. That truly doesn’t serve any purpose other than being detrimental to the quality of the show and making the team de-motivated. Let’s all appreciate the hard work and love everyone has put in to present to us something that is so beloved and cherished by all.

Why is showing a healthy, supportive, wholesome and stable relationship necessary? I can tell you why, because I have suffered greatly in an unsupportive, toxic and abusive relationship that was all about selfishness and greed with no regard or love for the feelings of the other person. Where one person only gave and gave and the other only took everything. I was left drained and battered and I’m still bearing the burden of its ruins.

So, when Bughead came along, it was catharsis and relief. It was about having the hope of bright sunshine in the pitch black darkness. It was about selflessness and having high standards and working for the greater good, something that is bigger than us. It was about women not wallowing and pining after some boy who had little value or regard for them and not allowing a man decide the course of their lives .It was about unconditional love and support without labels. It was pure beauty and art, like a perfect symphony.

Bughead isn’t merely escapism. It is the light of goodness that illuminates our hearts and fills us with compassion and hope for something beautiful. It is the delicate flower that grows in the parched desert of hopelessness and deceit.

Let us protect it all costs.

[furynewsnetwork]

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By Paul Meekin

“You don’t need to be ‘straight’ to fight and die for your country. You just need to shoot straight.”

– Barry Goldwater

A Transgender Military Ban? Really?!

God. The T in LGBTQ is the trickiest letter in the whole post-modern world. When it comes to social issues, public policy, and accommodation, the rule book is being re-written daily as society moves past traditional gender roles into something a bit more… fluid.

Thanks to modern medical technology, that fluidity includes the freedom to change your sex via surgery, hormones, or both. With this freedom comes vitriol from the establishment and some understandable concern about how this affects our societal institutions; primarily places where we’re naked in front of each other.

There are many medical, mental, and interpersonal questions that need to be addressed not only by transgendered persons, but by society at large. Addressing these issues on a national stage requires nuance, patience, eloquence, and the understanding of a compassionate, studious leader.

So of course President Trump was, well, President Donald Trump regarding these issues, announcing on Twitter his desires for a Transgendered ban in the U.S Military.

“After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military…Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail,” he tweeted.

This comes after Secretary of Defense James Mattis delayed an Obama-era trans-inclusion initiative to evaluate how their participation would affect ‘the readiness and lethality’ of the armed forces.

Clearly, Trump and his military advisors thought there would be too much of a disruption. But why? What about trans-people could affect the readiness and lethality of the armed forces? What kinds of trans-people are banned?

If I don’t take hormones, still have my penis, but like to dress in women’s clothing and be called ma’am, am I not allowed in?

What about a buff woman who wears a compression bra, is 6’1″, has short hair, and wants to be called sir? Can she serve her country?

If the two examples above aren’t allowed in, President Donald Trump can f**k right off.

What Trump is getting at – I think – is trans-people who have undergone, or want to undergo, a physical transition; meaning they’ve started taking hormones, undergone gender re-assignment surgery, or want to. Meaning they’ve started modifying their body’s chemistry to fix their head chemistry.

And that concern, I think…at least warrants some exploration. According to the DSM-5, Gender Dysphoria is classified as a disorder of the mind. Meaning technically someone born male who wants to be female (or vice versa) has a fundamental issue with their brain – to the point where they may want to modify their sex organs or take hormone medication to make them more ‘like’ their desired sex.

Disorders that currently disqualify you from military service include ADHD, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, dyslexia, depression, suicide attempts, a history of drug dependency, and several more. Some of these are exempted on a case-by-case basis (for example if you stopped taking ADHD medication at 13).

According to a study of 300+ young trans-women in Chicago and Boston, those with Gender Dysphoria are up to three times as likely to suffer from depression or drug dependency then the ‘general’ population, with a 20 percent rate of suicidal thoughts.

But that doesn’t matter – you can’t ban a trans-person from the military just because trans-people are more likely to have mental issues; if they haven’t been diagnosed and don’t show symptoms, it shouldn’t be a problem.

BUT there’s major physical considerations. By definition, transitioning to female via hormones and surgery drastically alters your body chemistry. It’ll be harder to build muscle on the testosterone blockers often given in conjunction with estrogen for trans-women.

Same with a surgical transition: losing your primary testosterone producer – your testicles – would have similar affects on muscle mass and affect bone density – in addition to transitioning women being required to monitor and dilate her neo-vagina to make sure it stays open and functional – though that may qualify for leave.

On top of that, if a post-op trans-woman stops her hormones, it’s possible she’ll begin to experience the effects of something called ‘over-night’ menopause, Unless she starts taking testosterone, which may not be on hand.

Speaking of, the testosterone given to trans-men would, arguably, have a beneficial affect; increasing physical strength and the ability to build muscle mass; though a sudden stoppage of the testosterone has adverse side-effects as well.

I bring this up because war is hell. If you’re in a combat unit or on a mission and either lose your kit or are stranded without the medication you need to continue being ‘you’, numerous concerns arise of both a mental and physical nature. In the heat of battle or the terror of retreat, these concerns, however minor, could be a problem.

This is not to say transgendered people are more prone to panic or fear – I’d say it takes a major amount of bravery to be openly-trans, even if it shouldn’t  – nor am I saying they couldn’t handle the sudden shock to their system that a sudden stoppage of hormones would create.

Rather it’s just to say if your personal identity and mental health hinges on the medication you take, that is a legitimate cause for concern – and a reason why the military is very stringent on anyone who takes daily medication.

The whole point of the military is to break you of your identity and build you up as a soldier. To quote a smart guy I know, “You don’t join the military to be you. You join the military to become a team and to break who you were.”‘

That said NONE of the above warrants a blanket ban on trans-people in the military. 85 percent of soldiers in the military are non-combatants. They’re your pilots, your mechanics, your telecommunication technicians, and so on. If there’s a job in civilian life, you bet your ass there’s a version of it in the military. Heck, here’s a list.

And all of my concerns are based on ‘could’. I have no idea what’s actually happened and what, if any, problems trans-people have caused in the military. More than anything I’m just trying to figure out the thought process of those in power beyond the traditional ‘they’re all horrible transphobic assholes’ rhetoric.

It’s entirely possible they are horrible transphobes and that’s why we have this ban.

Trans-people make up such a small portion of the military and there has to be a way to allow them to serve while also respecting their identity and the physical particularities of it.

Speaking personally? I need more data. I think if you’ve never had hormones and never had surgery, you should be allowed to serve however you damn well please, regardless of whether you think you’re a guy or a gal.

If you have? I still think you should be allowed to serve your country – but based on my informal research I’d lean toward making combat-intensive positions or positions that will strand you for long periods of time away from medical facilities be relegated to people not on any kind of altering medication, regardless of gender – I’m unsure if that’s the case now.

Regardless, the way this entire thing was handled was bungled (seriously, Cost?!). There were no details on how a trans-person is defined or what happens to the trans-people currently in the military. Vintage Trump.

There are many things I don’t know about this subject, and I’d advise you look for what transgendered service people say about this in the coming weeks and months.

Here’s an interview with a trans-marine. Although she left due to physical fitness requirements butting up against her desire to complete her transition.

What I do know, and hope to start, is a serious conversation about this and the many challenges that come with being a trans-person in our society – the least of which is where you’re allowed to go the bathroom.

The worst way to start any conversation is via cannon fire. Thanks to our President, battle lines have been drawn and there will be no peace.

Semper Fi?

EDITOR’s NOTE: The views expressed are those of the author, they are not necessarily representative of The Libertarian Republic or its sponsors.

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The post The Ghost In The Shell: The Transgender Military Ban Explored. appeared first on The Libertarian Republic.

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[sanctuarynoire-blog]

like a distilled kind of theory in love                                                               Awuor Onyango

23:20, Jul 29, 2014 - Awuor Onyango: I'm sort of half asleep but this is always The best time to answer those questions I guess. My mind if always clearer at night. Yes I had coffee with her. I feel like a terrorist ever since the depression because everyone is so fucking scared that I'm unhappy they want to cake my face up with their own happiness. In her case she's madly in love and I'm here for that, but I was sitting there trying to say I'm not suicidal and I'm doing shit with my life that I can be proud of even though its hard and challenging and that I've reconciled my heart and my brain and won't be hunger striking any time soon. And she goes Like...that all sounds coool, but what about your love life? And I'm just kind of sick of everyone telling me to function. I'm sick of being told your time is up, you can't grieve over The shit that happened to you all that time ago and you have to move on now. And I don't know, maybe I'm taking this negative hedonism thing a bit too far with the entire pleasure is evil thing but am I something to be pitied and prodded into relationships just because I'm not in one? And I swore I wasn't going to say anything negative about women of colour and you know I love her to shits, probably less passionately than I did when we used to talk more than five times a year, but its still there my love for her. And I wanted to point out that women actually perpetuate misogyny so fuxking perfectly we don't even need men hating us any more. But I said nothing and I smiled because my mind was just churning out this vitriol like there's 36 words for love in Persian. And don't take my word from it, it'd something I got off the internet and haven't been able to find the words but if for a second we accept that premise that there's 36 words for love in Persian and this isn't even like a distilled kind of theory in love. You have 36 fucking words for it, some of them positive some negative yeah. And if you're out of your kind in love with , like you fucking out of your mind love this man, woman

23:21, Jul 29, 2014 - Awuor Onyango: Non gender person or whatever the most you can feel for them

23:22, Jul 29, 2014 - Awuor Onyango: The MOST is like maybe 25 types of love and that leaves 11 types of love you've got

23:34, Jul 29, 2014 - Awuor Onyango: Left to explore and be fulfilled by and to learn from. That's 11 types of love you close yourself of off right? And are these loves then less important and less desirable and less worthy of experiencing? And is this the shit that haunts you at night and makes you feel incomplete? And I asked Kahira about it and he was like...well, you have to be prepared for this shit, for your girlfriends pitying you because let's face it, you're very unlikely going to be the married mom type and that's all they've been taught to grow up to be. And I never talk about my love life with anyone for shit. Like Malcolm was asking me why I don't date because there's always some weird guy who is rich or famous or both offering me international holidays or whatever as seduction like I give a fuck about those things. And maybe Lula is right and I don't give people much of a chance...but I refuse to have a mediocre love. I refuse to be that intense person in a normal world, because, and I was telling Fiona this when she was complaining about always being called intensely this or that, I said think about the inverse for a second, are we intense or are we just normal people roaming an intensely apathetic world? Like do I think too much or does everyone else not think enough?

23:42, Jul 29, 2014 - Awuor Onyango: I don't know what I'm saying anymore. What was your question even? Tuqburni might be one of the words for love, its the kind if love that's so deep you wish the other person burries you and not the other way around. The Greek had what? Seven words for love? I can only think of the popular four though Agape,Stargos, Eros and Philia. But I guess what English lacks in vocabulary it makes up for in adjectives and poetry.

23:55, Jul 29, 2014 - Awuor Onyango: I'm drifting off to sleep now so in conclusion I'm bracing myself for a lifetime of pity I guess. Its not like I'll never date, or whatever but I think marriage in the traditional sense is really The most boring of narratives as far as love is concerned. And I have you guys and I love each and every one of you in very different yet completely fulfilling ways and I learn from you and grow with you and shit. And maybe I'm used to bare minimums and that's why this is enough for me and I don't feel like I need more, maybe I'm happy in this cage of close friends and family and that's a danger to more traditional ways if fulfilment. I don't know. But I found Malcolm's frustrations more understandable than Lula's, just because Mal and I have been through the same thing and he might have in us own skewed way been trying to Josh Grovan me (you are loved). He might have been trying to say you're not spoilt goods and you don't have to go through this shit alone for fear of placing your burdens on someone else. Maybe that's what he was trying to say, more to himself than to me because I've known him six years and there ain't been any kind of boyfriend in his life. And maybe he's trying to avoid that fate for me. Maybe the demons get louder the longer you stay with them. I don't know. I was much more forgiving of him. But Lula... I was just like...feeling attacked and for a second I missed being depressed because at least then the only person whose feelings weighed on me was me. Now I'm back to taking care of everyone else and their little realities .

00:06, Jul 30, 2014 - Awuor Onyango: I don't know. Maybe I just need some time to calm my tits. I feel like Babhani Bhattacharya sometimes! So many angers! (You're not the only one raised in the ways of a bad-pun-ninja.) I guess if anyone asks you should say or know for a fact that I'm happy. I am. I love what I do, I love who I am, I love my family, I love my Harem, I love my body, I love nature, I love the path I've chosen for myself and I'm just fucking going where the water takes me. If someone comes by and I don't get that weird urge to be quieter, less smarty, less anything around them then we'll see where that goes but can I just enjoy the moment for now please?

00:09, Jul 30, 2014 - Awuor Onyango: Sorry I got ranty. Just needed to get that out. Don't you just love how adorable and dark you and I are? We're rainbows and sword fights you and I. Someone once said to me that I was that spot in the universe where cute met morbid. Why do people say the weirdest things to me? Also...string theory is for fools #MicDrop