#a bittersweet feeling that it’s complete but mostly I’m very proud of myself

[starsstuddedsky]

it’s so strange to be finished with as a matter of fact… i started writing it all the way back in november and so much in my own life has changed since then, it’s kind of insane

[theserpentsadvocate]

I am drowning in half-planned fic right now because I made the mistake of rewatching Veronica Mars (and seeing the new season) and then there was very very little of the stuff I wanted to make me feel better, so I am now writing it myself all at once??? (Yes, juggling like six AUs at once is a bad idea, no I did not do it on purpose.) And I know better than to post unfinished stuff, so give me some feedback, guys:

What are people interested in?

(Relevant information: I am here for Weevil, and I am decidedly not here for Logan. Also, these are mostly not the actual titles, I just don’t have one yet.)

Finish the short ones first!

*The long, sad, bittersweet Weevil/Jade reunion, where she runs into trouble post S4 and has no one else to call. (Pros: As a (long) oneshot, will probably be finished in the next millennium! I’ve also not only started it but made some decent progress. Has a likely sequel which is… maaaybe less sad. Kind of. Jade POV, which is, uh, scarce. Cons: Sequel is less well-planned-out and kind of self-indulgent, this is a ship that like two people are on. Also it’s sad.)

*Five Children Veronica Mars Never Had (Pros: Short enough it might get finished before the heat-death of the universe! I’ve also already started it. Takes a bit of a turn from the typical children-as-a-ship-exploration/validation these things often have (most of these children are not biologically Veronica’s). Novel canon is relevant! Some very solid V/W friendship in at least one. Cons: Tremendously, horrifically depressing; I literally just keep killing people to make the premise work. Very little shipping.)

*The Jade/Eli Chronicles (Pros: Related oneshots so, again, will probably be finished in a semi-reasonable time. Fluffy if you block S4 from your memory. Jade gets, like, lines. Cons: Not a ton of substance, only happy if you block S4 from your memory, this is a ship that two people are on.)

*Five (Or Some Number) Worlds Veronica Didn’t Grow Up In (Pros: Fun crossovers/fusions! All the chapters will be more standalone, so I might even post it serially. A BtVS where Veronica isn’t the Slayer (Lilly was). Animorphs!!! Cons: Fusions are automatically disinteresting if you don’t know the other canon. Some of them are not super well-developed yet. Also, how do you make Veronica Mars more upsetting? Cross it with Animorphs!)

I want longfic, because the literal problem is not enough V/W longfic!

*Veronica Mars, Intrepid Reporter

A Lilly lives AU where canon splits whenever Lilly (doesn’t) begin her affair with Aaron. Veronica copes with Duncan’s sudden cold shoulder by becoming an investigative high school journalist.

Pros: This is my first-concieved AU, and maybe the project I’m most proud of? (Pending completion.) Heavy focus on the death of Marisol Reyes. Features a not-irredeemably-awful high school experience for Veronica. Lilly is still flawed as per canon but she’s not evil and she loves her brother and her friends. Eventual (very eventual) Veronica/Weevil. Meg lives. Lots of Keith and Veronica’s relationship. Probably the most optimistic of all my AUs.

Cons: Spans a long time and will probably be gigantic (these things always get bigger once I’m writing them), so will take approximately forever to finish. Planned out to some extent but not started yet. Somewhat critical take on Logan (I almost put that in the ‘pros’ column but I know how the fandom is about him).

*The Lawsuit Story

An AU where Weevil doesn’t settle as soon as in canon (or maybe Lamb just panics quicker), and an attempted attack on him kills Jade instead.

Pros: Hello to the novel canon! This is probably my favourite of all the universes I’m messing around with. The Weevil/Veronica friendship is so strong with this one that I am legitimately conflicted over whether to actually even have them get together. Valentina has an extremely strong presence and I love her. It's pretty charitable to Logan, considering I wrote it. Carmen makes a few appearances. Celeste Kane goes down.

Cons: This was originally just part of ‘Five Children…’ so the long version probably won’t be written until that’s finished. May or may not contain Weevil/Veronica, but if it does, it is a loooong wait. Does contain LoVe.

*High School Revenge Story

Another Lilly lives AU, where Lilly definitely IS having an affair with Aaron. And also Weevil, but not anymore. And also, Veronica’s (post-Troy) boyfriend. Anyway, Veronica finds out about the last point and decides to get revenge/prove she’s not some virginal innocent sidekick by hooking up with Lilly’s sidepiece, who she imagines wants to piss Lilly off as much as she does.

Pros: Not only is it Veronica/Weevil, but Veronica/Weevil is, like, eighty percent of the plot. There’s definitely smut (plot- and character-advancing, even!). There’s an unexpectedly touching strangers-with-benefits relationship even before the extremely unplanned pining. This one felt the most like the show when I was planning it out, especially with the nature and timing of the twists. Lilly is not evil, she’s just a teenager in over her head who doesn’t want to admit it and coping maladaptively.

Cons: I always feel weird touting porn as a selling point when I wrote it, because I have had zero sex in my entire life (although I am thirty, and I feel like life experience and general knowledgeableness about actual human anatomy count for something here). I have not started this one yet, although it’s more or less outlined. Logan also does not come off well (this is because he is a teenager having a Very Bad Time, but his actions are still not excusable). This was originally two different AUs before I realized they should probably be one (I cannot say what the other one was, because it’s a major spoiler), so there’s the possibility of disjointedness where they meet. Also, I’m not entirely sure I have the chops to pull this one off – there’s a lot of dark stuff going on under the surface (well, there’d have to be, for the plot to work, because otherwise it’s just very OOC), and it’s not the kind of thing that’s usually my forte, but I’m going to give it a shot anyway.

*Platonic Co-parents

AU where Veronica stays at Hearst. She and Weevil have a one-night stand in her third year and end up getting a child out of it.

Pros: It’s just a lot of fun! It’ll probably end up W/V but in the meantime they’ve got a solid, supportive friendship going on, to the aggravation of everyone either of them tries to date. (“What do you mean your daughter’s father is sleeping on your couch because the hot water broke in his apartment???”) I have a later scene planned out where they go to the high school reunion separately and deliberately show everyone the same picture of Mariana to see if anyone realizes it’s the same kid, which sums up the vibe pretty well. There is Keith+Weevil awkwardness and then probably some Keith+Weevil friendship later on. Lots of time given to Weevil’s family. Also, Veronica looks into Susan Knight’s suspicious drowning. I have also (technically) started it.

Cons: Listen, I know it’s a reach for Veronica to be willing to have a child at this point in her life, but I’ve done my best to justify it and I think I did okay. Plus, you know, the entire premise is a junk food trope – it’s not evil, but it’s trite. I love it anyway.

No, I want something else/FINISH YOUR OTHER STUFF

*[Earth’s Children] The story where an adult Durc and Brun’s former clan meet the post-Ayla Lion Camp!

Pros: Ambitious dual narrative I think I’m pulling off well (time divergent; one strand moving forward from the first encounter, one from Ayla’s departure), lots of screentime for supporting characters with wasted potential (Vorn, Frebec, Ura, Brac, not to mention Durc), several chapters already written.

Cons: Extremely ambitious so it will take me forever to finish, there’s basically no one in this fandom.

*[Earth’s Children] The Echozar/Joplaya fic

Pros: Actually develops their friendship into something that makes sense, development of Echozar’s childhood and of the Lanzadonii, I’ve got a rough outline and a few pages written.

Cons: Definitely chaptered so it will take some time, there are even less people in this part of the fandom.

*[The Old Guard] Give An Inch Fall A Mile (Joe and Nicky friendship-with-benefits their way into being Joe and Nicky)

Pros: Lots of sex scenes (obviously) on which I have had positive feedback, several chapters written (probably half-finished), I'm very proud of the writing quality on this one, and I absolutely should be writing this first.

Cons: I have been stalled out on it for more than a year, it may not be finished before the new movie comes out and possibly makes it incompatible with canon.

*[Veronica Mars] The Firebird AU… crossover… fusion… thing

Post-S4, Veronica travels through alternate universes and learns that she needs to get her shit together and apologize to Weevil.

Pros: Um, the Firebird Trilogy is cool but is not required knowledge for entry, alternate universes are neat, and even though this idea is probably dumb I can’t stop thinking about it. It would probably even technically comply with canon.

Cons: Half of the universes I have up my sleeve are from the AUs mentioned above, so it probably won’t get written (if it does) until they’re finished in like ten to twenty years. The actual plot is thin; I mostly have a bunch of scenes. There is a decent chance this idea is self-gratifying and pointless, but I also just cannot stop thinking about it.

*[Veronica Mars] Zombie Apocalypse

Post-S4 zombie apocalypse lands Veronica and Keith on a stolen yacht with a bunch of Weevil’s gang, Jade and her new boyfriend, and this one other guy.

Pros: There’s a lot of compelling (I think) personal drama, which is largely not rooted in anyone being an asshole (except Veronica, but that’s canon and I can’t do anything about it except try to fix it with zombies). Weevil finds out his kid is trans and does his best to speed-run the acceptance ladder despite his personal doubts because he’s extremely concerned about being killed by zombies (and thinks he's dying for a minute) and knows this is his only chance to make them feel supported. Eventual W/V, probably.

Cons: I do not know where I’m going with this. Author is not trans herself and might fuck up.

*[Veronica Mars] The Babysitter Effect

Valentina’s babysitter is still in the truck when Weevil stops to help Celeste, and she witnesses everything.

Pros: Teenage awkwardness, but in a fun way. Weevil gets the justice he fucking deserves. Beginning already written.

Cons: I have no plans at all for what happens after the inciting incident, and even if I did I don’t know how long this would be.

Soooo... if you're not in the Silm fandom you've probably never seen my writing before, but I'm happy to back it up with excerpts! Please ask me for excerpts.

If I keep up the volume of writing I've been doing I can probably get something substantial finished by the end of the year but I need input, please weigh in even if we're complete strangers and you found this post two years from now, best-case scenario I can link you to the completed fic. :)

[phoenixtakaramono]

Writer Tag

Thanks for the tag, @deliciouskeys! (You can read their version here!)

I tag: @fuckingpajamas, @bebop-and-oysters, @plasticfangtastic, @officially-tilly, and/or anyone who's a writer that I've forgotten to tag here and wants to participate! <3 And, ofc, no pressure, especially if you've already done this before or don't want to!

How many works do you have on AO3?

12 apparently if you count series as part of "works." Excluding series however, I only consider 6 of them as my "main fics" (actual long fic works I'm proud of and will still be working on).

What's your total AO3 word count?

...642,283 words as of 3/2/24. *eyes it* Considering all my works are either slowburns and/or long fics, and there are a couple butchlander threadfics I haven’t gotten around into turning into AO3 long fics yet, that word count is only going to get even longer.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

As of 2024

The Untold Tale (3.8K kudos, SVSSS) Green and Gold (1.3K kudos, Harry Potter & InuYasha) Finders Keepers (574 kudos, TFTBL & Borderlands) A Prince and His Baron (548 kudos, Helluva Boss & Hazbin Hotel) Truce (521 kudos, The Boys (TV))

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! (*´∇｀*) However I do have a peculiar method when it comes to picking and choosing which comments I prioritize replying to first. It depends on various circumstances my whim and if I recognize the comment from one of my regulars. It’s also heavily impacted by the timing of when I see it. As a multifandom and multiwork writer, I become hyper-focused immersing myself in the one fandom of whichever WIP I’m currently working on, intentionally put blinders on to keep myself focused. For example, if I’m currently in the process of writing TUT, I will mostly only respond to comments related to it; if I’m working on TNotG, I mostly only respond to unread TNotG comments—or, since I have multiple works in that fandom, I will respond to unread comments for another WIP as long as it’s the same fandom. Idk how to describe it 🤷🏻‍♀️ but this process of quarantining myself in a fandom one at a time works for me.

At the very least before the new chapter is updated for a work, I’m pretty good at getting to and responding to every comment remaining which I haven’t been able to get to yet—whether it’s answering questions or thanking my readers for taking the time to read the fic. ♥️

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Finders Keepers. Out of all my works, it's the only one with a bittersweet ending. It's the only one of my WIPs literally tagged Major Character Death. Our Male Lead gets to finally be the hero he'd always wanted to be (literally saving the world from a AI robot takeover)—and have his heroism acknowledged by everyone in the planetary system. He'd mended bridges with his daughter. And he was able to get the love of his life back, robot or no robot. It's a story about Handsome Jack's character development and, at the end of the journey, a hero's ultimate sacrifice would've completed his arc as the main character. The blow is softened a tad because he gets to perish holding hands with the corpse of the young, brilliant scientist whom the android's personality is based off of. The android he'd fallen in love with and had staged this whole dramatic end-of-the-world rescue mission for would've been desperately kissed (their last kiss) before being shoved into a space shuttle, and be given his last order by his beloved master to raise his daughter in her father's absence. It's a very human painful story I'd wanted to tell, haha. I'd wanted to try telling a poignant Shakespearean tragedy, but make it space opera.

What’s the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Technically they’re all Happy Endings so I consider the main six all tied in that aspect. I’m a big weepy baby when it comes to fictional romances and the main characters’ conflicts with other characters, so I feel I ought to reward them at the end for all the pain and suffering we’ve put them through, haha. I enjoy satisfying Happy Endings with a hint of an open-ended future where the reader can imagine the possibilities themselves and their journey in that universe even after the story is concluded.

Do you write crossovers?

Yes. It's the one fic I wrote back in 2014 that made me decide a couple years later to create an AO3 account for it, because I originally had the intention to make the fanfiction(dot)net version S/F/W and for AO3 to be the N/S/F/W version. ...The pairing might seem strange, but trust me, that Sesshomaru/Harry Potter fic of mine? Every writer has their breakout fic; Green and Gold was mine. I'm always so surprised whenever couple of my readers and even my writer friends, all from other fandoms, tell me they knew me from having read G&G.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Two separate times. One person on fanfiction(dot)net took a friendly fight in G&G a lil too seriously and, outraged that I did not make the story's romantic leads fight to the death instead of the friendly duel in the story, they wrote at the end of their review: "I just think you suck at writing action.” Whereby, after seeing that comment, outta spite, I definitely made sure to include action scenes in almost all my works from then on. :) If you're that anon, so sorry that you'll have to read this writer's poor action sequences.

Another anon had a strange hate b*ner for Hermione as a character and wanted Ron to divorce her in my story, and then went on to pretend to be three different anons circle-jerking each other about how they agreed with the OP after I'd politely informed him "no, a divorce for these secondary characters isn't something I plan on writing in this story." And then they had the gall to tell me, "well, if you think that way, I think marriage's just not for you," lmaooooo. I have a thick skin so I wouldn't necessarily call these instances "hate" though. "Reader entitlement"/ "backseat writing" is more apt. I don’t like being told what to do—especially when it’s a free fic that I’m writing on my free time; it’s not like you’re paying me to write it. Us writers know our own fics like the back of our hand so if we tell you something ain’t happening, why continue to argue with and try to influence the writer? You might as well write your own fics while at it. These two instances though were memorable for how hilarious they were and I always joke about them as humorous can-you-believe-an-actual-human-being-wrote-this anecdotes to my friends.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I am beholden to whatever the story demands of me. But generally speaking, unless it’s a creative choice to use euphemisms to adhere to censorship guidelines I am looking at you, Twitter, for sh@dowb@nning me for my Sugar Daddy AU threadfic (I have made my peace with the fact I am forever Search Suggestion B@nned there) or I feel it’d be more genre appropriate to use flowery language to suggest something spicy’s happening before fading to black, I am 99.99% of the time quite explicit when it comes to the graphic details. At the very least, my claim to fame is a male client I know irl has read two of my smut threadfics (the butchlander Fix-It AU threadfic and the Sugar Daddy AU threadfic) and told me it’s made him question his sexuality, ahhh.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

...Art, yes (I always see my art reuploaded on Pinterest, annoyingly enough...and there's one time I saw my art reposted on someone else's Loona RP-centric Twitter account as their status update...mind you, if I see my art reuploaded, it's an instant block from me). Fic...no? I sure hope not. I would be incredibly ticked off if I find out someone has. I will say, though, awhile back, I'd noticed someone had posted G&G to a Czech (?) or Slavic-language site—but they'd linked back and credited me as the author so I didn't make a fuss. I tried searching for it again recently on Google Search (I remember the site page was a lilac color), but it doesn't pop up now. :/ I think either they removed it or the site went down.

Now with AI being a genuine threat to creatives, instead of locking my fics, my workaround was coding my more popular AO3 works following a workskin tutorial as a preventative countermeasure to prevent users from selecting the text; this way it's one additional step they'd have to take to feed my fics into their AI machines so hopefully it acts as a deterrent. It's the reason why you can't highlight, copy & paste the text in TUT, Truce, TNotG, G&G, P&B, and FK (I know this also makes it harder for some of you who want to highlight specific passages to me down in the Comments section, many apologies to my lovely readers 🙏).

Have you ever had a fic translated?

If someone actually does take on the herculean feat of translating any one of my long fics from English into a foreign language, godspeed, soldier. I know it's a lot. I also know, based on past feedback, that my writing style would be exceptionally difficult to translate.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Technically, yes. But to be honest, Evocation was more of a BnHA RP between me and my writing friend that we'd edited and turned into fic format for anyone who wanted to read a religious human/ demon ShigaDabi fic. And he very much excels at writing horror. I wasn't into the BnHA fandom but my friend was, so I'd read up to a certain arc of the manga to understand the appeal and be able to RP Dabi for him. And that's how Evocation exists. There's a lot more exciting content we did not publish yet, but considering this was a co-written fic between us and we'd both moved onto different interests by now, I'm not comfortable continuing it without him so I do not foresee this fic will be updated.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Almost all my AO3 fics are about my favorite ships, hahaha. As of 2024, I'd say it's probably Butchlander, Tomarry, Bingyuan, Bingqiu, Stolitz, and Chaggie. Of these, Tomarry (mind you, it has to be TMRHP aka Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr/ Harry Potter and not LVHP) is probably the one ship that's persisted the longest of these I'd listed (your girl liked it ever since high school and while I haven't read any in the recent years, I still like it for nostalgia purposes).

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I put these under the status of "Temporary Hiatus" because my intention is to always come back and see if people are still interested to see me continue. It's these two: Green and Gold (Sesshomaru/HP, timetravel fantasy romance), and Finders Keepers (Rhack, sci-fi android/human romance). G&G is put here because this was originally written between my high school (secondary school) and my university years, so this is like baby Phoenix writing. FK is here only because I think the fandom is dead so if I were to continue it, I don't think there's an audience, ahhh. Of these two stories, I think G&G has a higher chance of being continued because we're already 16 chapters in and I do not think the HP fandom is gonna die anytime soon. And it is one of my more popular fics. It's possible I might continue FK because this was my first experimental foray into the sci-fi genre, so it's more of a writing exercise for me to experiment and practice with the genre.

What are your writing strengths?

Worldbuilding. Vibrant descriptions and characterizations. I've heard my stories are descriptive enough that readers can see an "inner cinema" inside their head as they're reading it, and I think that's super neat. :) A secret writing strength I joke about having is writing spicy scenes. But because all my main works on AO3 are slowburns, almost no one knows about it yet, haha (the only exclusion is if you've read my Twitter threadfics or A Prince and His Baron).

What are your writing weaknesses?

Redundancy and editing down. My g*d, I'm really bad at paring down; you're looking at a writer who'd written 103+ pages once for a PWP chapter. And that was after I'd reduced the original earlier draft down to the bare necessities. And, mind you, I write in Arial, font size 9 on Google Docs before I upload to AO3. As for redundancy, sometimes I need it as a creative choice to emphasize something important for the readers but, most of the time, it takes me several passes through the drafts before I realize where I've repeated myself—and will thusly delete any unnecessary redundant sentences or scenes I manage to catch.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Nowadays I will still do it if it's a short one or two words, but I would only use it to highlight a character's linguistic quirk. But for longer sentences, it depends on the necessity of it in a story (for example, if I need to showcase a duck-out-of-water situation or it's a private conversation in a foreign language spoken between characters for secrecy reasons). Chances are though that I won't write entire dialogues in a foreign language if I do not have someone in my immediate circle to help me translate the sentences and/or I cannot use a specific phrase in a language that I know has been 100% verified online by the online community to be grammatically correct, because it's one of the first things that can immediately take a reader out of the immersion if they eff up the phrase or grammar.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

...I'm too lazy to try to log into my old fanfiction(dot)net account to check, but I believe my first fandom I'd written for was either Yu-Gi-Oh or Black Cat.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

Mmm...probably Chaggie (Charlie/Vaggie). I haven't written a sapphic wlw couple in my own works yet (since the main couple are mlm), but I am a bibliophile irl who very much also enjoys reading the sapphic baihe genre with my danmeis. So it'd be a shame if I didn't expand my horizons. But six works is a lot on my plate, as well as my unfinished Twitter long threadfics. As an experiment though, I had written a brief 25-tweet Chaggie threadfic when S1 aired—and found I very much enjoy writing about these two characters. So I'd be very interested to eventually write Chaggie in P&B, when they finally show up as supporting characters to Stolas and Blitzo.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

The Untold Tale. That's gotta be it, hands-down, because it's a rare opportunity for me, as the writer, to write something about my own culture. It's meta humor/ satire buried beneath an authentic story about romance, and it's a love letter to SVSSS as well as small cultural Easter Eggs to the Chinese culture and TV C-drama clichés and even a couple C-novel tropes I want to introduce to my readers for funsies. I just have a lot of fun writing TUT because I get to be sneakily meta whilst being flowery with the prose. If people want to ask me what my best writing is in my writing portfolio, I'd direct them over to TUT.

Green and Gold, for being the foundational rockbed which made me fall in love with writing. Because without G&G, its younger siblings (my other WIPs listed above) you see today would not have existed on AO3. It's a crackship that's treated seriously in the fic itself with a lot of heart and my youthful writing vigor, haha—and I think that's why it's still read by people today despite its crazy premise.

Truce, however, is my personal favorite among my most recent works. It might be a 4-chaptered PWP + epilogue oneshot but, my god, it's become a whole-ass novel. I think it's very reflective of my true writing style though, without the atmospheric and stylistic C-novelesque writing style that TUT is trying to emulate, especially because Truce takes place in a modern setting and I'm not trying to be intentionally fancy with it writing purple prose.

[marjansmarwani]

like I was already brave enough to let go

7.2k || Chapter 1/2 || ao3

Enzo understands that leaving New York in the wake of everything is what's best for TK, but that doesn't make it any easier. Watching his stepson pack up all his broken pieces and move across the country hurts him in ways he can't describe, mostly due to the knowledge that there will be a distance between them that has never existed before. So he takes the time to check-in, to keep track of TK. To be there for him, no matter what.

He's just starting to wish that he had picked somewhere other than Austin, because he is quickly discovering he is not built for this level of stress.

After reading @futures-tense’s Enzo fic (that everyone should read, it is phenomenal) I couldn’t get thoughts of him and his relationship with TK out of my head, so naturally I wrote this. It fits into canon evetns and this is only chapter 1 of 2, because while I so have an outline for season 2 events, this was getting long so I figured I’d at least post what I had. 

Massive thanks to @silvarafael and @justaswampdemon for all their help and support with this, you’re both the best!

-----------------

He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting when TK opened his apartment door, but the sad shell of the boy Enzo had come to love as his own wasn’t it. 

Or maybe it was, but it hurt all the same. 

“Hey kid,” he said softly, stepping carefully around him and into the apartment. He looked around the small space, taking in all the boxes haphazardly labeled and partially packed. “So, it’s true. Your mom told me but I don’t think I believed her. Never thought I’d see the day TK Strand willingly left New York for Texas, of all places.” 

“Who says it’s willingly,” he said dully as he shut the door behind Enzo. 

Enzo turned and studied him more closely, taking in the downturned eyes and anxious fingers thumbing the seam of his hoodie pocket, “Do you not want to go? Because you can stay here. I’ll talk to your mom, you can stay with us if you…” 

But TK cut him off with a shake of his head, “No,” he said, “I think I need to do this. Dad’s right, I need a fresh start. I can’t...I don’t think I can be here anymore. When I think of staying here, I don’t see a way forward. I think if I stayed here I’d…” he trailed off, but Enzo felt a chill rush through him at the implication of what TK hadn’t said. He tried to meet his eyes but TK looked away, casting his gaze downward and away from Enzo’s sympathetic eyes. 

It hurt him more than he could say to see TK like this. For all his struggles he had always been a happy kid. He had always been someone who found the joy in life where he could and he had always worn his emotions on his sleeve, for better or worse. Seeing him like this and knowing what had happened hurt Enzo in ways he couldn’t fully describe because he didn’t know the right words. All he knew for sure is that this was not the TK he had known and loved for 16 years standing before him. This was a stranger; someone he had only seen once before during a time he had hoped to never revisit. 

He hadn’t asked what happened because he knew enough and he wasn’t about to make the kid revisit it just so he could fill in some blanks. He might not know everything but he knew enough to feel hot anger course through him at the thought of someone breaking that too big heart of his. TK had always been someone who loved fully and completely, and to see that thrown back in his face so spectacularly made Enzo—a typically steady and calm man — strongly consider homicide. 

He had every confidence that Gwyn could get him out of any charges too, but he pushed that thought aside to focus on the scene before him.  

“This isn’t your fault, TK.” 

TK turned away from him, absently picking up some books from the table and dropping them into one of the boxes. “I know I didn’t make Alex cheat,” he says eventually, “but the rest of it? That is completely on me Enzo, no one else.” 

He could sense that the kid had more to say so he let him go, watching from the doorway as he listlessly picked up other odds and ends from around his apartment, tossing them into boxes without any real care as to what the labels on the side said. He knew TK would speak up when he was ready and it was only a few more minutes before he did. 

“Eight years,” he finally said, his rough voice breaking the silence of the half-packed apartment. “Eight fucking years of sobriety, all gone. And that’s all on me. It doesn’t matter what Alex did, I’m the one who made the choice. I am the one who let him have that power over me and…” he broke off, meeting Enzo’s eyes for a moment before looking away and swallowing. “I do need to leave,” he said eventually. “I don’t trust myself to stay here anymore. I don’t know if I’d survive it.” 

Enzo could feel his heart breaking for the kid. He wasn’t a kid anymore — now 26 and an adult — but in Enzo’s eyes sometimes he was still the 10-year-old who met his eyes shyly when Gwyn first introduced them, the 14-year-old who had admitted to him in a terrified whisper that he thought he might like boys, the 19-year-old who had come to him because he wanted to enroll in the fire academy and didn’t know how his mother would take it. The feeling he had now was just like the feelings he had had then. This overwhelming love and desire to protect him from everything bad in the world; from anyone that ever told him he wasn’t enough. 

And just like he had then, he stepped forward, closing the space between them to pull him into a hug. He held him close, pressing his face into his chest and placing a kiss on the top of his head. “You’re making the smart choice then,” he said evenly. “And, as much as I’ll miss you, I’m proud of you for doing what you have to do. You’ve beat this once and you’ll beat it again, I have no doubt about that.” 

He knew he wasn’t imagining it when the body in his arms sagged in relief. It made him clutch him that much tighter as he spoke again, hoping what he was about to say was a given but needing to say it anyway:  “And I will always be here for you, no matter where you live. I’m always just a phone call away, you know that, right?”

TK’s voice was muffled by the material of Enzo’s sweater, but he could still hear the tears in it clear as day, “I do.” 

“Good,” Enzo replied firmly, releasing his grip on TK and stepping back so he could meet his eyes. “Because I will be calling to check-in, that is a promise.” 

---------------

Watching him leave was bittersweet, but he believed TK when he said it was something he needed to do. He took some solace in the fact that he wouldn’t be alone. Enzo and Owen Strand may have had their differences over the years (many, many differences) but if there was one thing Enzo had never doubted it was the other man’s love for his son. He knew that TK was in good hands, but that didn’t make it any easier. 

He got confirmation they had arrived in Austin in the form of a text that included a picture of a shop selling cowboy hats that simply said, “turns out people actually do where these here. Yes, it looks as ridiculous as it sounds.” It is followed by another two days later that noted the crimes Texas has committed against pizza and though Enzo was still filled with worry, he allowed himself to smile and take it as a sign that he was healing, be it ever so slightly. 

He gave it almost a week before he called. He wanted to hear TK’s voice; to have proof that he really was okay, but he also wanted to give him time. His patience was helped by the fact that Gwyn had spoken to her son but eventually, he decided that he needed to hear from him himself.  

TK answered by the third ring, sounding out of breath. He greeted him warmly, and Enzo could hear the commotion of construction in the background. He raised an eyebrow, “What, did you decide to leave the fire department and become a contractor when I wasn’t looking?” 

This pulled a laugh out of TK and Enzo took a moment to savor the familiar sound. It felt like far too long since he’s last heard it. 

“No. Dad decided we should re-do the firehouse, to give everyone a fresh start. I figured I might as well help out. Besides,” he added with a shrug Enzo could almost hear, “demolition is the far healthier method of coping with feelings, right?” 

“When done with permission,” Enzo quipped in response. “How are you doing kid, has the pizza chased you away yet?” 

TK scoffed, “No, but it was a close thing. Honestly, I really haven’t had that much time to dwell. I’ve been helping with the demo and construction, as well as the candidate interviews and paperwork. I haven’t really taken too much time to think about anything.” 

TK said it matter of factly and Enzo almost moved past it. But he knew TK better than most. “You don’t have to punish yourself, kid,” he told him gently. “All you need to do is heal.”

“I’m not punishing myself,” TK objected, “I’m just...trying to keep busy. To distract myself.” 

TK might very well think that, but Enzo was pretty sure it wasn’t true. But he was willing to move past it, for now. 

“Tell me about the new crew,” he said instead, and smiled as TK launched into stories about a daredevil from Miami and a possible psychic from Chicago. He seemed enthusiastic and Enzo didn’t realize how good it felt to hear that until he had. It was like there was a little bit of life back in his voice and though he knew TK still had a long way to go to make this better, he was relieved to see that he was at least on the way. 

------------

For a while, everything seemed to be going great. TK called and texted him from time to time, sharing anecdotes from calls and his new crew, and each time Enzo thinks he can hear just a little bit more of his old self returning to his voice. Sure he complains about one of them, for a while, but that too seems to sort itself out. 

He could tell there is someone new in his life too, even if TK is hedgy about it at best. But Enzo was the first one to know that TK was gay at 14; he knew how to spot the signs. 

“Why won’t you tell me about him?” he asked him one day, voice light and teasing as he stuffed his papers into his bag. “Is there something horribly wrong with him?”

“No,” TK countered emphatically, “there is nothing wrong with him. Absolutely nothing,” he added, almost an unconscious mutter Enzo was not entirely sure he was supposed to hear. 

“So if there is ‘absolutely nothing’ wrong with him, why aren't you going for it?” 

There was silence on the other end as Enzo slid his bag onto his shoulder, patiently waiting the younger man out. 

“You know why,” he eventually said, voice low and sad. Enzo grimaced at how pained his voice sounded and he dropped back into his desk chair with a sigh.

“TK…” he began, but the younger man cut him off firmly. 

“No, Enzo. I...I thought I could. I thought we could have something casual and that I could handle it. But then he wanted more and I hurt him. I don’t want to do that, he doesn’t deserve it. He’s too good to get dragged into my shitshow.” 

“Have you asked him what he wants?” Enzo asked gently. 

The bark of laughter TK gave at that was sharp and harsh, “Yeah, that should go well. Definitely won’t lead to me having to explain to this guy I’ve hooked up with a handful of times all the ways I’m fucked up right now.”

Enzo sighed again, leaning back in his chair, “It won’t always be like this, T. Someday you will be ready to try again, but only if you let yourself consider the possibility. Can you at least promise me that?”

There was silence for a long stretch and Enzo was about to ask him again when TK’s voice finally responded quietly, “Yes.” 

“Good,” Enzo responded firmly, “because no matter what happened, you still deserve happiness. And someday you’ll be ready to let it in again — maybe sooner than you think.” 

The sound of acknowledgment TK made sounded skeptical at best, but Enzo would take it. He knew he was right and he knew that someday TK would realize it too. Maybe even sooner than he thought. 

------------

It’s about a week later when Enzo’s phone rings, nearly making him jump as he is pulled abruptly from his stack of midterms. It took him a few moments of shuffling blue books to even locate his phone and when he did he frowned at both the time and the name displayed on the screen. 

“Hey kid,” he said lightly as he answered the phone, “what’s up?” 

He had hoped he was overreacting, that TK was just calling him late because he was on shift and had lost track of the time. He had hoped that maybe the universe was finally giving the kid a break. 

The despair and fear so clear in TK’s voice quickly prove him wrong.  

“Hey Enzo,” he said softly, “fuck, I know it’s late and I’m sorry to bother you, but I just really needed to talk to someone.” 

“You are never a bother,” Enzo told him firmly, capping his pen and setting it down on his desk. “What’s wrong?” 

“I…” TK began before stopping, taking a deep breath and trying again, “I don’t know for sure yet, but I know something is.”

And Enzo believed him. The fear in his voice is so raw Enzo could feel every ounce of it even from a timezone away. “I’m going to need more than that, kid,” he told him gently, leaning back in his chair as he waited TK out. 

“I found something,” TK said eventually, “that I definitely wasn’t supposed to find. And it means something awful. Something I don’t know if I can handle. But it also means he doesn’t trust me,” TK continued, “and somehow that almost feels worse.”

Enzo frowned, pondering all the non-specific details in his mind. He didn’t know all that much about his stepson’s life in Austin, but he knew enough to know that while he was close to his new crew, he wasn’t close enough to be this upset by an omission from one of them. That left him with two possibilities: the mysterious man he was not seeing, or Owen. 

And Enzo knew which option was more likely and it made his heart sink. TK might not be sharing but Ezno knew both the Strand men better than most. If there was something Owen felt strongly enough to keep from his son that TK was this upset about, it wasn’t good news.

“You don’t have to tell me what it is,” he said cautiously, “but is it something about your dad?” 

There was a deep, shuddering breath before TK responded, “Yeah.” 

And Enzo shut his eyes, the hurt and fear in TK’s voice telling him all he needed to know. 

“I don’t know what this is about,” he said eventually, “and you don’t have to tell me. But I do know you, and I know whatever it is you are going to want to be there for him, because that’s who you are. Let him know that, and the rest will follow from there.” 

There was silence again, but Enzo waited TK out. He was familiar with this rhythm; when something was bothering TK he often took his time to make sure he had the words right before he spoke. Over the years Enzo had learned to wait him out knowing that he would get to his point when he was ready.  

He did a few moments later, “I do want to be there for him,” TK agreed, “I just know why he didn’t tell me. He doesn’t think I can handle it — and he’s right,” TK confessed softly, “I don’t know if I can.” 

“You can,” Ezno assured him firmly, “you can do anything you set your mind to. You always have.” 

He let his words sink in for a moment before he added, “And I would talk to your dad before you make any assumptions. Let him know he can rely on you, let him know you want to be there.” 

“You make it sound so easy,” TK said dryly, and Enzo huffed a laugh. 

“In a way it is. It’s just words. It’s the actions behind them that are hard.” 

There was silence again before TK spoke, his voice so quiet Enzo almost missed his next words, “I’m scared.” 

“It’s okay to be scared,” Enzo reminded him, “sometimes fear is the appropriate response.” 

But even as he said it, he could feel his heart breaking. He didn’t know what was going on and while he was sure he would find out soon enough, he couldn’t help but hate whatever it was. TK deserved some time to find himself, to heal and simply exist. He didn’t understand why the universe kept throwing such curveballs at him, but he wished with every fiber of his being it would stop. 

“Sometimes it is,” TK agreed in a tone that made Enzo wonder even more what this was all about. But he didn’t ask; TK would tell him when he was ready. For now he would just be here for him. Sometimes that was all he could do. 

--------------

As much as Enzo couldn’t help but worry about the younger man, sometimes the updates were a sign that things were getting better for him, slowly but surely. 

One such time came as he and Gwyn were sitting on the couch together, Enzo making a case for watching Jeopardy with Gwyn adamantly refusing. 

“No,” she said again with a firm shake of her head, “it always ends the same way.” 

He shrugged, “I can’t help that you’re too competitive, or that I’m better at it then you are,” he added, giving her a sly grin. 

“We can’t all have PhDs in history,” she said wryly, “some of us need to work for a living.” 

He opened his mouth to fire back a retort but was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. “Saved by the bell,” he said instead with a shake of his head as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He frowned when he saw the familiar name on the screen and turned it so Gwyn could see. 

“Hey T,” he said cautiously as he answered, “everything good?” 

There was a lot of noise in the background but he could hear TK’s voice clearly as he answered, “Yeah, I just had a question for you. These people don’t believe me so I need your cred as a Columbia history professor to back me up.” 

Enzo raised an eyebrow at Gwyn, who had leaned closer to hear. She bit her lip against a laugh and he shook his head fondly, “I’ll do what I can. What’s the question?” 

“Hang on,” TK said, “I’m going to put you on speaker.” There was the sound of fumbling before the background noise grew louder and TK’s voice returned. “Okay guys,” he was saying, “this is my stepdad Enzo. He’s a history professor at Columbia and if you don’t believe me maybe you’ll believe him. You want to ask him the question, Paul?” 

“Man, you didn’t need to…” 

“No, this is a point of pride now.” TK objected indignantly and Enzo glanced at Gwyn to see that she had fully pressed a hand against her mouth to stop any laughter from slipping out and giving away her eavesdropping. “Ask him,” TK prompted and there was a sigh before a new voice joined the conversation. 

“Sir, we are so sorry to bother you. TK’s just being a sore loser.” 

“Paul, right?” Enzo asked and got a sound of confirmation in return, “You don’t have to tell me that, I helped raise him.” There was an indignant noise in the background, likely from TK, but Enzo ignored it. “What’s the question?” 

“Who invented the first movie camera?” 

“Louis Le Prince,” Enzo replied without hesitation, unable to suppress a chuckle at the sound of TK’s triumphant ha! In the background. “You guys thought it was Edison, didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” Paul admitted sheepishly and Enzo chuckled lightly.

“That’s understandable. Edison was the first person to mass market it and the first to get recognized for it, but Le Prince was actually the first. But he mysteriously disappeared in 1890, right before he was set to take a trip to the US to talk about his invention. So he never got a chance to market it.” 

There was silence for a moment before Paul spoke again, “So is there any proof Edison had him killed or…?” 

“No,” Enzo admitted, “but that is one of the theories for sure. Another is his brother did it over the family will. Either way, Edison was not the first.” 

“Huh,” Paul said thoughtfully, “that’s actually fascinating. Dude, I’m sorry for doubting you.” 

“It’s fine,” TK said evenly, “I am more than a pretty face you know.” 

There was a collective snort from the other end of the phone and Enzo glanced at Gwyn to roll his eyes. She shook her head fondly and he returned his attention to the call, “Any other burning history questions or was that it?” 

The background noise lessened as TK took the phone off speaker. “No, that’s it. Thanks, Enzo.” 

“Anytime kid,” he told him, “you know I love to flex my random history facts.” That got another laugh out of TK, but Enzo could still hear the background noise of a group in the background. The sounds of easy comradery set his mind at ease in a way not much else had since TK had left for Texas. “Why don’t you get back to your friends and I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay, thanks again.” 

“Don’t mention it. I love you kid.” 

“Love you too. Say hi to mom for me?” 

“You’ve got it.” 

With that the call was over and Enzo was left back in their silent living room, Gwyn looking at him with a soft smile. 

“He sounds happy,” she said after a moment, her voice warm but thick. He nodded. 

“He does. As much as I do hate to admit it, I think going to Austin may have the best thing for him.” 

“You just hate that Owen was right.” 

“And you don’t?” he asked her with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well that’s a given,” she quipped, leaning closer to him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed them as she rested her head on her shoulder. “I’m just glad he’s doing better,” she said softly after a moment, “I’ve been so worried about him.” 

“Me too,” he admitted, pressing a kiss to the top of her hair. That sat in silence for a few more moments, each lost in their own thoughts before he spoke again. 

“So is that still a no to Jeopardy or…?”

She swatted at him and he grinned, ducking away from the light hit. Things seemed to have returned to their equilibrium, and that was a relief. 

He just hoped it stayed that way. 

-------------------

When he was wrested from sleep by the shrill sound of his phone ringing cutting through the late-night silence of his bedroom, Enzo groaned. He swore under his breath as he fumbled for the device, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he did. But when he managed to grasp his phone and saw the name on the screen, all thoughts of annoyance fled his mind. Owen Strand calling him was rarely a good sign. Owen Strand calling him at 2 am promised nothing short of disaster. 

“Owen?” he said as he answered, skipping any and all attempts at pleasantries. “Is everything okay?”

He could afford to give the universe the benefit of the doubt, he decided; even if only for a moment. 

When Owen’s reply came it was in a voice Enzo didn’t recognize. It was shaky and uncertain in a way that the other man never was. 

“Enzo, hey. I’m sorry to bother you but Gwyn’s not answering her phone and…” he broke off with a shaky breath, “I really need to talk to her.” 

“She’s in Beijing,” Enzo replied, sitting up and switching on the lamp beside him. “And given the time difference, probably in a meeting.”

He heard Owen swear distantly before he felt fear rise up in him. Owen calling him at 2 in the morning looking for Gwyn and out of sorts only added up to one thing, but Enzo so hoped he was wrong. 

“Owen, did something happen to TK?” he forced himself to ask; the stress of not knowing was worse than anything else. 

He could hear Owen take another breath, deep and shaky and filled with something else Enzo couldn’t identify on a phone call from half a country away. 

“There was an...incident,” Owen said softly, voice still unsteady, “on our last call.”

Enzo’s mind was already spinning, stumbling from one horrible possibility from another. 

“There was a man with dementia who broke into his old house and a homeowner who had a cardiac event and TK broke down the door and….he was shot.” 

Enzo heard the words, he knew he did. But he couldn’t have. If he had heard them that would mean that TK had been shot and that was not something that could be true. His stepson was a firefighter. It was a profession that came with enough risks of its own. He had spent countless days worried and fearful at the thought of rescues gone wrong, of untamable flames and unstable buildings. Never once had he even entertained the thought of a bullet being a risk to watch out for. Bullets were supposed to be the problem of other people with other jobs — not his stepson, who already had so many dangers to face. 

But it was true. The fear and pain in Owen’s voice told him it was true. There was an edge of both hysteria and despair in his words and that more than anything scared Enzo more than he could say.

“Where?” was the first coherent thought he could form. 

“Just below his left shoulder” Owen repeated mechanically. “His...his lung collapsed before we were even out of the hallway. Enzo, he couldn’t breathe. He kept trying but he couldn’t and there was so much blood....” Owen trailed off and Enzo could hear the unmistakable sound of a sob in the background even as his own hands trembled and his eyes watered. 

“Is he…” he started, but he couldn’t make himself say the words. He couldn’t speak the awful possibility into existence. 

“He’s headed to surgery,” Owen replied. “I don’t know anything more than that, we only got here about 15 minutes ago. I just...I just hope it was fast enough.” 

There was silence then as the two men allowed the same fear to consume them from opposite ends of the country. Enzo felt a morbid camaraderie with the other man in that moment. In the 16 years they had known each other it was safe to say that they had never exactly gotten along. They had always been polite and cordial for the sake of Gwyn, TK, and family gatherings but they were too different in too many ways that mattered to ever truly be friends. They had only ever agreed on one thing, and now that was the thing that tied them together — loving TK.  

“You got him there as fast as you could Owen,” Enzo assured him without hesitation because there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that it wasn’t true. “You did everything you could. Any chance he has is because of you.” 

“I think the credit lays more with the paramedics,” Owen objected, “but I appreciate the effort all the same.” 

Enzo opened his mouth again, not quite sure what he was going to say but feeling the overwhelming need to say something, but he was interrupted before he got the chance to figure it out. 

There was a noise on the other end followed by the sound of shuffling as Owen attended to whatever it was. When his voice returned, it was tight. 

“That’s Gwyn on the other line, I’ve gotta take it. But listen, Enzo…”

But Enzo just shook his head, “Don’t worry about it Owen, talk to her. Just, keep me updated?” 

“Of course,” he replied without hesitation, “as soon as I know anything.” 

Then with another hurried goodbye, the call was over and Enzo was left in the dark and quiet bedroom, alone. It wasn’t long before the tears he had felt threatening began to fall in earnest as he wrapped his mind around this reality and allowed himself to dwell on it. There was a chance — a very real and terrifying chance — that they could lose TK. That Gwyn and Owen could lose the son they had brought into this world and loved for 26 years. That Enzo could lose one of the people he loved the most. The thought of TK not existing anymore was too horrible to dwell on. 

Enzo was a religious man. He had been raised by a small Jewish family in a large community and his faith had been something that he had always had. It had seen him through so much. But now, with this, he had to wonder. It didn’t make sense that TK — his wonderful, caring stepson who had dedicated his life to helping people — should have to suffer so much in such a short time on earth. It went against everything he had ever believed about putting good into the world. Why should TK — who had never done anything to hurt anyone — have to suffer so? Why should he? He didn’t want to know what life without TK looked like. 

More than anything, he hated that he might find out. 

When Gwyn called him a few minutes later he pushed his own tears aside. He murmured soft reassurances as she sobbed in a quiet corner of a Beijing office building, consumed with fear and grief a world away from her child who was slipping further and further from them with every passing moment. He gave her empty platitudes, reassured her the best he could. 

But all the while the fear was drilling a hole straight through his chest. This, he decided, was the worst fear he had ever felt. 

The worst part was there was nothing he could do but wait, and hope desperately for the best. 

----------------

The next several days were some of the longest of Enzo’s life. Each day he woke up and went about the day. Each day he kept his phone volume on, not wanting to miss any news either way. Each day an update came from Owen and each day it was the same: no change. 

He debated going out to Austin — he had been halfway through buying a ticket online half a dozen times — but each time he stopped himself. Logically he knew that being there wouldn’t change anything. He would still be waiting, he’d just be waiting there. He told himself he was needed here, that he couldn’t just pick up and go across the country with no warning. It was the end of the semester and he had students to help to finish the course or their dissertation. He told himself staying was the responsible option, but he knew that it was largely just a distraction. But he would take any distraction he could get and so he pushed the guilt of not being there to the side

He taught his classes, he went through the motions. He fielded calls from Gwyn, still stuck in China and frantic with worry. Each day he reassured her; reminded her that TK was strong, young, and healthy. Above all that, he reminded her, he was stubborn. No bullet or coma was going to take him from them before he was ready. 

Of course there was the private fear, the one he didn’t want to share, that he didn’t want to hang on anyone else. The one he was afraid to say out loud. 

It was the thought that maybe, after everything, that was exactly what he did want. That maybe this was an out and that maybe, he would take it. That maybe he didn’t want to be alive anymore. 

But that was a possibility too horrible to accept. Maybe it was selfish, but Enzo knew that even if that was the case, he wasn’t ready. He doubted he ever would be, but he certainly wasn’t now. He knew both Gwyn and Owen would agree. No time was a good time to lose your child — step or otherwise — but now, after this — after everything — was not the time. 

So he waited, and hoped. 

Time seemed to blend together and before he knew it one day had become two, which had stretched into four. Each moment passed the same way — tensely, with no news. 

He knew he had been distracted too — keeping his ringer on during class and checking in throughout his lectures and office hours. He had apologized to his classes after the second telemarketer had caused him to drop everything and lunge for his phone, citing a family emergency and word had slowly gotten around. Soon it wasn’t just him hoping for the best, but most of the Columbia history department as well. Their well wishes were touching, but nothing short of good news was going to make him feel any better. 

So when his phone did finally ring on a Thursday afternoon, 5 days after the fateful call, he picked it up with trepidation. The name on the screen sent his heart racing and he nearly dropped his phone in his haste to answer it. 

“Owen?” he asked tersely, “Any updates?”   

Because since that night they hadn’t spoken. All updates had come in the form of texts and the thought of Owen finally having something to tell him one way or the other simultaneously thrilled him and nearly froze him with fear. 

But it wasn’t Owen’s voice that answered. 

“Hey Enzo,” TK said, the sound of his voice rushing through Enzo’s body like a current of electricity. He sank back into his seat with a wobbly laugh, feeling nearly a week's worth of tension fall away as he listened to the miraculous sound of TK breathing on the other end of the phone. 

“Hey kid,” he said warmly. “You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. How are you feeling?” 

“Okay,” he answered, “I really don’t feel too bad at all. A little sore, a little tired, but overall not bad.” 

“I hear getting shot will do that to you,” Enzo retorted drily before sighing and running a weary hand down his face. “You scared the shit out of me, TK,” he admitted. 

“Sorry,” TK replied softly, “I didn’t mean to worry anyone.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Enzo rushed to reassure him, “I know you didn’t ask for this to happen but...shit TK, I am not built for this. Do you think you could avoid getting shot in the future, for my sanity at the very least?” 

“I’ll try,” TK responded with a chuckle, “I don’t remember most of it but I don’t think it’s anything I want to revisit.”  

“No, I’d imagine not,” Enzo retorted wryly. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts and taking comfort from the presence of the other even if it was only over a phone call from half a country away. “So,” he finally said, leaning into normal conversation for the sake of normalcy, “is your dad driving you nuts yet?” 

“Yes,” TK responded emphatically, “he has been hovering non-stop, and he brought a date.” 

Enzo could hear indignant sputtering in the background and Owen muttering something about him not bringing a date, that his date had simply come to visit him to see how he was doing and, maybe because of all the fear and stress of the past week, Enzo could only laugh. 

“That sounds like your dad,” he retorted once he caught his breath, “and I wouldn’t count on that changing anytime soon.” 

“She seemed cool at least,” TK allowed, voice teasing, “I don’t know why he was trying to keep her a secret.”

“Excuse you,” Owen’s voice objected from the background, “I am not the one who had a hot cop sitting by my bedside. You don’t get to talk about keeping secrets.”

“Dad,” TK groaned and Enzo’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Oh, so the mystery man is a cop,” he teased, “and the plot thickens.” 

Now it was TK’s turn to splutter, “Nope, we are not doing this. That is more than enough from both of you,” he declared and Enzo could hear Owen chuckling at his son’s indignation from the background. It was a slice of normal that he had feared he’d never get again. To be sitting here hearing TK’s voice, teasing him about something so simple as the guy he had a crush on seemed like a miracle and Enzo was grateful for it.

Everything was normal again, at long last. 

----------------

Sometimes he thinks that turning on news alerts for Austin was the worst decision he had ever made. 

It seemed practical, at the time. An easy way to stay in the know, to have an idea of what kind of calls TK may have seen on any given day. But now he was frozen in the middle of the hallway after one of his classes staring at a notification about a solar storm that had blasted through Austin, leaving devastation in its wake; regretting every decision that led him to this point. 

He knew TK was still on medical leave. He knew that he should be home and resting after only being released from the hospital two days before. But he also knew his stepson and knew that whenever there was trouble, TK was usually not too far behind. 

It was with that thought in his mind that he stepped out out the middle of the hallway and leaned against the wall as he waited anxiously for the call to connect. The sound of a pleasant robotic voice informing him that his call could not be completed filled him with dread, but he forced himself to take a breath. It didn’t mean anything. The grid was likely overloaded right now; Enzo couldn’t say he knew for sure what kind of damage a solar storm could do but he was willing to guess that it wasn’t great for the electronic infrastructure. 

Left with no other options he went on about his day, the familiar anxiety he had only recently shed slipping back over him like a worn winter coat. He tried calling a few more times, trying to ignore how the dread in his gut grew each and every time the call didn’t go through. He resisted the urge to ask one of his science colleagues to explain the specifics of a solar storm; reasoning that dealing with his own uncertainty would be far kinder than having confirmed facts. At least this way, he decided, he could tell himself he was overreacting. 

It was far too many hours before his phone rang; an unfamiliar number appearing on his lock screen. He frowned at it but swiped to answer. He did list his cell number on all of his course syllabi, but for the most part his students stuck to his campus email, or — in desperate times — text. 

“Dr. Cohen,” he answered, mentally placing bets as to whether it was actually a student or a robot trying to inform him about the extended warranty of the car he didn’t own.

To his immense relief, it was neither. Instead, a familiar voice answered, sending a rush of relief through him at the sound, “Hey, Enzo, it’s me.” 

“TK,” he breathed, setting down the paper he had been reading and closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. “Are you okay?” 

“More or less,” he answered sheepishly and Enzo was about to push for more than that when he caught the distinct sound of a hospital intercom in the background. 

“Tyler Kennedy Strand, are you in the hospital again?” he demanded and he heard a weary sigh from the other end before a quiet “yeah” was muttered. 

“It’s not a big deal though,” TK rushed to explain, “I’m fine. I just pulled my stitches.” 

There was another voice in the background that Enzo didn’t recognize and could barely hear, but what he could hear made it clear that the other voice was not impressed either. 

“Well, what was I supposed to do?” TK demanded, and Enzo was not entirely sure who he was speaking to, “Let her drown in a burning bus?” 

“You just got out of the hospital!” Enzo objected when he could form words again, “What were you doing somewhere where there was a burning bus?!” 

“We just went out for boba,” TK retorted, “I didn’t expect there to be a solar storm that caused a bus accident.” 

And Enzo forced himself to take a deep breath because that was fair, he supposed. There was no way anyone could control anything like that. Still…

“The next time you move we’re going to need to do some research,” he declared. “Because if it is anywhere as chaotic as Austin, I’m going to have to object.” 

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” TK assured him, “I think I’ll be in Austin for a while.” 

There was a smile in his voice and Enzo somehow had the feeling he was intruding on something, even though TK had been the one to call him. 

“What number are you calling me from?” he asked, testing his theory. 

“I borrowed Carlos’s phone,” TK answered in a voice that said he knew what was coming and he hoped it would at least be quick. 

“Oh,” Enzo replied, “and Carlos wouldn’t happen to be the name of a certain ‘hot cop’ your father mentioned, aka the mystery man I have been trying to get you to tell me about for months?”

“Yes.”

“And when you say ‘we’ were trying to get boba…” 

“Enzo…”  

“And he wouldn’t happen to be with you right now, would he?” 

“Are you done?” TK demanded, and Enzo only laughed. 

“Not nearly, kid; I’m just getting started.” 

And despite TK’s muttering, Enzo could tell that he sounded happier than he had heard him sound in ages. He marveled at the fact that somehow, despite everything, TK had managed to find the happiness and peace he had hoped for him ever since he left New York all those months ago. Between the disasters he had managed to take his broken pieces and fit them back together, maybe even stronger than they had been before. 

It was all he had ever wanted for him, and he was relieved beyond belief that he had found it. 

“You know, this means I’m going to have to come down there soon,” he said instead, “I’ve got to meet this mystery man for myself.” 

He could practically hear TK rolling his eyes, but his voice was impossibly warm when he assured him, “You’ll like him, Enzo.” 

“Do you like him?” he asked.

“Yeah,” TK responded without a moment’s hesitation, “I do.” 

“Then I already do,” he assured him. 

If this Carlos had anything to do with the happiness he could finally hear returned to his stepson’s voice, he couldn’t do anything but. 

[naruto-scenarios-plus-akatsuki]

I'd like a scenario of Ino and Shika mourning the death of their dads and their uncles. It's not explored at all in the series, but I find it hard to believe that they weren't close. I wish Inoichi could have said something to Shikamaru, even if it was really short due to the time: "I'd have liked to see you grow even more. Work hard, Shikamaru". And Shikaku telling Ino something like "you've always been like a daughter to me. Make us proud'. Inoshikacho is the best family in Konoha.

Thank you for the request. I never lost a father or mother so I may not know the complete feeling but I have loss someone dear to me.  With those feelings, I hoped I conveyed the sense of mourning and loss one truly feels when anyone close to them passes away. 

“For the Lord Himself will descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.” 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 NKJV

Loss and Remembering

The war was won. The enemy was defeated. Naruto was safe and Sasuke had returned. You would think all was well with the world. That good had won the day. Yet with any war there was always a cost.  With anything left good to fight for there was a price.

Ino struggled with that price. Her and many of her comrades had suffered a loss during the war. There was an emptiness to her heart that she hadn’t felt before. A bare hole that was expanding with each passing day as the reconstruction of Konoha went on.

The memorial service for the fallen had already taken place and she had shed most of her tears at the event. Home was bittersweet without her dad. Every article and room had a memory of him in it that she could not erase. She had been a wreak the moment she stepped through the door of her house the first night she returned from the Land of Lightning.

The adrenaline and self-preservation no longer distracted her from the reality that her father had passed away. Her mother had already heard the news luckily before her arrival and embraced her only living child fully as soon as she returned. They both cried together, falling to the floor in their grief.

Death was common in the life of a shinobi, but although it is expected, the pain is still very real and affects the lives of those touched by the individual’s sacrifice. Both Ino and her mom knew what kind of man Inoichi was and how he would give his life for his village and comrades to keep them safe. He paid the ultimate price and although there was honor in his death, both of them were really hurt.

After the memorial and funeral service held for those fallen from the 4th Great Ninja War, Ino realized she wasn’t the only one hurting. The village had lost over a hundred lives. Her friends were all hurting. They had lost someone their own age, Neji, who died saving Hinata. Her teammate, Shikamaru, lost his own father. The pain evident on his face while Choji sympathized and cried too, feeling the lost of both of them.

She thought she had cried all that she had that day. The week building up to the funeral was nothing but tears and staying at home. When the day passed and the memory of the fallen forgotten, others were ready to pick up their lives where they left off. The second to the Yamanaka clan had took over as leader while the elders discuss what was next for the clan. They had expectations for her, and she soon had little time to feel anymore as she was filled with busy work.

They were prepping her to become the next leader. The added pressure weighing on her heart and shoulders, making her wonder if she was capable of it. She hadn’t seen her teammates since the funeral, but to be honest, she was currently lost in her own little world. A bubble filled with to-dos and things she had to learn.

Her elders and clan gave her many praises for her accomplishments in the war, but she would not take hold of the clan until she was of proper age. There were still many things for her to learn. They had told her that although war can advance someone’s maturity, they wanted to be sure she was ready.

Ino felt anything but ready. She hadn’t expected to come back from the war to take over her dad’s position. She thought he would still be here with her. She thought she had many more years left with him. With him teaching her, guiding her, loving her, but he was gone and now she wanted nothing more than her father’s warm embrace and kind smile, telling her how much he was proud of her.

Her mind winced at the thought. She thought she was okay but today was one of those days. She stopped in the middle of the street. The sun was beating down and sky was cloudless. There was hardly a breeze and civilians bustled around her going about their daily lives. So much has changed and yet life keeps on going. Her eyes were watching as the architects and stone cravers were working on the latest project of Kakashi’s face on the Hokage mountain.

She was staring at the piece for a while, lost in her own thoughts. A sense of discontent filling her being. She didn’t want to cry. She thought she was done crying. After the memorial service, she told herself she wasn’t going to cry anymore. She had her mom to be brave for and a clan to lead.

“Ino?”

She was driven out of her thoughts and looked away from the mountain top to see Choji in front of her.

“You okay?” He asked concerned.

“Yea,” she replied quickly, glad to have snapped out of it. She smiled out of habit.

“Are you sure?” he asked, not convinced. He was typically sensitive to other people’s emotions, especially his teammates that he has known since childhood.

“Yup, I had a few errands to run this morning and finally got a break for myself.” She gave a fake laugh.

Choji nodded. “How’s your mom doing? I’ve been meaning to stop by, but everything been so busy.”

“You’re telling me. Between clan duties, training, and the flower shop, I’m typically spent. My mom has been doing fine. She’s been tending to the Yamanaka gardens mostly. Spring just popped up, so we been replenishing our stock…” Ino trailed off.

Choji understood. The Yamanaka clan had supplied most of theflowers for the funeral service free of charge for those who were loss. The biggest bouquets going to Inoichi and Shikaku. Choji had a grim smile on his face.

“That’s great to hear.”

Ino nodded, smiling painfully. Her thoughts having led back to her dad. “Yup. Well I’ll catch you later Choji.” She said ready to make her exit and move pass him.

“Wait Ino.”

She stopped to listen.

“If you ever need to talk, you can talk to me. I miss your dad too, not as much as you probably do, and I know its probably not the same way I’m feeling. If anyone knows what your going through it would be Shikamaru,” he said gently.

Ino’s soft smile was more genuine this time. “Thanks Choji.” she said before she continuing on.

Her mind now was overwhelmed and swirling. She guessed she wasn’t doing as great as she thought she was if Choji could tell something was wrong. She sighed. She also felt like a terrible friend. She hadn’t checked up on Shikamaru. The loss of his dad was probably hurting him just as much and Ino knew Choji would be right that Shikamaru could relate to how she was feeling,but he seemed to be doing just fine.

She wondered how he was able to manage it. The grief, the pain, and the numbness from it. She made her way to the Hokage tower slowly, hoping to find her teammate.

Shikamaru was easy enough to find after asking the receptionist. He had his own personal office now and when she entered it, he was reading through a scroll. He looked up surprised to see her and greeted her. She felt awkward as she greeted him back.

He discerned her quickly, knowing something was on her mind.“What brings you here?”

“Oh, nothing just wanted to see how you are doing. I haven’t seen you in a while. I wanted to check in,” she expressed as if carefree.

Shikamaru leaned back in his chair and yawned. “Well I could use a break. Want to join me?”

She nodded and they both made their way out of his office and to the roof of the Hokage tower. They both found a seat on a bench up there and Shikamaru leaned back to stare at the clouds.

“So how are you holding up?” he asked bluntly.

“Is it that obvious?” She questioned insecure.

“No, but I know.” Shikamaru reasoned.

“I feel like I’m just supposed to magically move on from it but I don’t know how everything just keeps…”

“Reminding you of them?” Shikamaru finished.

“Yes,” Ino breathed. “It hurts. It really does. It feels like I lost…” She was lacking words how she was trying to express how she feels.

“I know,” Shikamaru nodded, his face solemn.

“How are you holding up so well?” Ino questioned in desperation.

“I’m not.” Shikamaru admitted. “I think of my father quite often. He showed me how to be a man. How to love. How to fight. How to be smart. I also think of Asuma often. He had depended on me, he was proud of me, he built me up, and never gave up on me.” He took out Asuma’s lighter, opening and closing it. “I miss them both greatly.” He said after a minute.

There was a silence.

“I miss your father as well.”

Ino sniffled trying to hold back tears but started to cry silently anyway.

“Inoichi was kind enough to relay a message from my father and I’m grateful for him to do so, to give me my father’s last words, but also, he too, gave me a message.”

Ino’s ears perked up and she stopped crying to listen more closely. “My dad left you a message too?”

“Yes, just briefly after my father’s words since there wasn’t much time. But your dad told me that he never had a son, but Choji and I were like sons to him. And he was proud of the men he knew we would become. He also asked for me to keep an eye on you.”

Ino smiled softly at that and thought about all Shikamaru had gone through. She thought of his dad, Shikaku. He was a brilliant man as well and she knew how much Shikamaru had admired and loved his dad.

“Your father gave me some advice once,” Ino recalled, and cleared her throat.

Shikamaru turned his head to listen now and stopped fidgeting with the lighter.

“It was when we were little and having a play date while the clan heads got together. You and Choji were being boys throwing rocks and climbing trees. I felt out of place and was mad about something and was sulking on the porch. The grownups went in to talk but before your dad went inside, he kneeled down next to me, seeing as I was staring at you two boys. He told me not to let my anger and sadness keep me from enjoying life and the people in my life.” Ino then giggled. “Of course, I was only six and couldn’t understand what he meant as of yet, but I think now his words ring a little clearer. I feel like the loss of them: Asuma, Shikaku, Neji and my dad will never go away.”

“Yet the pain shouldn’t keep us from living. Although the pain is very real, it is temporary. They will never be taken from our hearts or our memory. We’ll live a life they can be proud of and perhaps one day, we’ll see them again.”

That hope uplifted Ino’s spirits. “Yea, I suppose your right.”

Both of them fell into silence for a few moments, remembering the ones they lost. They spent a good while up on the rooftop, sharing more feelings and memories and coming to peace in the wake of the loss although the pain was definitely there. They had each other to comfort themselves and with that only time would heal.

[ugh-supersoldiers]

It Won’t Be Long

MASTERLIST

Characters: Bucky x reader

Summary: Somehow distance is everything as much as it is nothing at all when it comes to the love you have for Bucky Barnes.

Warnings: Angst & fluff, really bittersweet (but there will likely be a part two that’s allllll fluff), this is a fic about Bucky and the reader dealing with being separated during social distancing so if that’s triggering please don’t read!

Words: 2314

A/N: This is for everyone missin’ someone while in social distancing who might need a little reminder that it won’t last forever (and for anyone who just loves some good ol fashioned bucky barnes charm). I’ve seen so much longing on my dash and I just want to say, I feel you, I love you, you will get through this, you will see the ones you love again. I wish everyone health and wellbeing.

AND AS ALWAYS REBLOGS AND FEEDBACK ARE MEGA APPRECIATED.

Missing someone is hard, even when it’s necessary.

Keep yourself away from everyone, at least six feet apart at all times. Stay in your own place of residence, don’t pay a physical visit to anyone under any circumstances. Avoid any kind of contact with anyone especially those outside of your immediate household for all reasons unless urgent.

Quarentine. You knew it wouldn’t be easy, you’d anticipated it; emotionally prepared for it, but longing for the presense of someone you love simply can’t be rehearsed into familiarity.

Longing inters like you smoke; licking up the walls and permeating even your most primive and forgotten senses until it renders itself all comsuming; suffocating, and in a twist of cruel irony it will scorch the safety of the very fire it specters. 

Longing turns loving someone into torment.

Bucky Barnes. It had been months since you’d been with him.

Months.

You had phonecalls, and videochats, and texting, but it could never match up to his physical presense. It’s amazing the things about someone you realize you took for granted when you’re forced into separation.

Even so much as being in the same room as him felt like something you should have thanked god for at the time.

You’d wanted so desperately to be able to stay with him, to have him live in your apartment with you until social distancing laws were lifted, and that was almost an option - until it wasn’t.

Bucky’s anatomy rendered him in no serious danger of infection, and knowing this as soon as ‘quarentine’ entered his ears he had reached out to every medical facility around to see how he could help. The answers mostly consisted of small routine jobs that doctors and nurses struggled to find the time for, until one really struck him: let us use your biological makeup to see if it helps us solve puzzle of vaccine development.

He’d never signed on to something so quickly in his life.

“My soldier,” You’d laughed, “Always fighting for what’s right, even when it’s not his war.”

“It’s everyone’s war, doll. I’m just doing my part, like everyone else.” He’d replied.

It was true, Bucky would recover quickly from the virus in the extremely rare case that he were to contract it at all, but his work on the vaccine didn’t make him invulnerable to being a carrier and he refused to risk your life in the process of trying to help save so many.

And so, you had spent your time in your apartmen and he at the compound unless at a medical facility being poked and prodded for the sake of humanity. 

It was ungodly early in the morning, nearly three. Far too early to be making a video call, but the world had come to a screeching hault months ago and since then time didn’t seem to matter all that much. And you knew for a fact that he’d still be awake.

You sipped at the tea in your mug as you sat on your bed, reaching for your phone. Your finger hovered over his contact for a moment, a last hesitation as you wondered if perhaps he was sleeping, but it didn’t stop you.

He answered after a single ring.

“I know it’s stupidly early, but I miss you so much and I don’t know what to do with myself because of it.” You whispered immediately, knowing there was little point in offering a salutation.

You could see his face illuminated by the light of his phone screen as he sat cross legged on his bed. His hair was tied back, but a few stray pieces had fallen back onto his face. He looked to be wearing a sweater. It was a soft green. He looked perfect.

“I wasn’t sleeping (Y/N), don’t worry,” He said, “I miss you too, like you wouldn’t believe but it won’t be long now, I promise.” 

He tried his best to reassure you, but you both knew he couldn’t really make that promise. There was no guarentee how much more time would pass until you could be together again.

“I hate this, I can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

You were sitting with your covers pulled over your shoulders, sometimes bring a mug to your lips to sip at it. The warm glow of the fairy lights that you’d wrapped around your bedframe gave romantic definition to your features. He could swear he’d never seen something more beautiful in his life, but he thought that every single time he’d been able to see your face since he last saw it in person.

“You’re not going crazy, I would’ve told you by know if you were.” He winked.

The small laugh he earned from you made him smile, even if he could hear the subtly of the tears you were fighting.

“I love you, (Y/N). This is hard, baby, but you have to stay safe for me. We’ll make it, I know we will.”

“I know, Buck. I just feel like a piece of me missing when you’re not around.”

A tear had finally fallen from your waterline and onto your cheek. You quickly wiped it away in hopes he wouldn’t notice. He did.

His face read as if he was in physical agony. He couldn’t stand seeing you like this, but he knew there was nothing he could do other than try his best to make sure you knew he loved you, he missed you, and that this wouldn’t last forever.

“Just think about how great it’ll be when we see each other again.” He whispered, abandoning the crease in his brow in exchange for a small smile.

“It hurts to think about that.” You admitted, trying to swallow the lump in your throat.

You’d purposefully tried your best not to think about it too much for that reason, in fact.

“Maybe, but it’s something to look forward to isn’t it?” He pondered, “This feels like forever, but it isn’t. We’re guarenteed to have that moment someday, so why not imagine it? It’s better than this, baby.”

You stared at him in complete awe for a moment as you remembered the man you’d met years ago. The one who couldn’t even so much as bare eye contact with someone for more than a second before looking away, or handle even the lighted touch. That same man, after so much perseverance and growth, was now explaining to you the benefit of looking forward to life’s guarenteed happy moments.

“I’m so proud of you, Buck.”

“What?” He chucked, running a hand down his face in amusement, “Not that I don’t love it when you kiss my ass, but where’d that come from, doll?”

“I’m not kissing your ass, Barnes,” You chided playfully, “I’m telling you the truth. You’ve come a long way from the person you were when you got out. I love you, and I’m amazed by you.”

‘Got out’ he knew meant escaped Hydra’s grasp. You were right, he’d gone through quite the change since then.

“What’s that saying - ‘behind every strong man’..?” He started, raising an eyebrow at you to finish it.

“‘There’s probably a woman nagging him to make dinner for once’.”

Now this really makes him laugh. You watched as his nose scrunched and the crinkles in the corners of his eyes perk up. That’s the laugh you fell for.

“Okay you know for a fact that’s not it, doll. And, I’ll have you know, in the last few weeks I’ve been forced to learn how to cook better since the only other choice is starve.” He quipped, seemingly rather confident in his new found skillset.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Guess I’ll have to show you in person.”

“Yeah...” You muttered daftly as the mention of being with him again came to fruition once more.

“It’ll be amazing.” He said almost dreamily as he closed his eyes, thinking to himself about the ordeal of you being in his arms after so long. He craved you like nothing else.

“Don’t get too full of yourself,” You giggled, “A few months is hardly enough time to match my culinary ability-”

“I meant seein’ you again, baby.”

“Oh.” 

Apparently ‘oh’ was the best answer you could come up with.

“Entertain me for a minute?” He asked you, cocking his head to the side with that signature lopsided smile of his. Bucky knew very well you could never say no to that, even if it was a topic you’d be entirely avoiding.

“Lay it on me, Romeo.” You rolled your eyes, but he knew you secretly wanted to hear what he would tell you just as much as he wanted to say it, even at the risk of bittersweetness.

“Whenever they lift the distancing rules, I don’t care what you’re doing, I don’t care what time it is, I don’t care where you are-”

“It’s a pretty safe bet I’ll be here.”

“Would you let me finish?” He chuckled playfully at your interjection.

You had a habit of seeing humour as an escape, and he knew that this was no exception. He was grateful. If you were joking around and being playful with him, at least it meant you weren’t crying anymore.

“Alright, alright.” You relented, opting to drink your tea and listen to him intently.

“My point is: the moment I’m able to see you again, I will run to you. If there’s a promise I know I can make to you, it’s that. You are my whole heart, doll. Nothing can change that, not distance, not a pandemic, not even your snoring-”

“I do not snore!”

“You absolutely do and I’m not done, you little punk.” He snorted before deciding it was time to leave all joking prods aside, “Baby, I love you. I love you so much that I go to sleep thinking about the next time I can see your pretty face, and I wake up with the same thing on my mind because you give me so much joy. I can’t wait to feel you in my atmosphere, and to hold you in my arms again, and to kiss you - god - doll, I miss kissing you more than anything in the world,”

Bucky had come a long way since you met him, yes, but he did still struggle with being emotive sometimes. Saying all of these things to you so directly was a huge deal for him. You knew better than anyone else that he must mean every single word.

“And the only reason I’m still sane is because I know that I’ll get the chance to soon. I don’t know when, but I know for sure that I will. I’ll wait for you, and you’ll wait for me... and that gives me the incentive I need to keep going everyday.” He offered you a sweet smile, which you returned immediately.

You sighed, entirely lovesick.

“You’re a wonder, James Barnes.”

“Oh, (Y/N)- The first name, really?” He couldn’t help but to laugh, even while fighting of a toe curling cringe.

“What? I haven’t seen you in ages - and you know it’s torture not being able to kiss you senseless after that display of your undying love for me - and you expect me not to lighten the mood?”

He watched you raise your mug to your lips, the lips he missed so dearly. There was a glint of mischeif in your eye, the one that made him fall in love with you in the first place.

“Honestly, I don’t know how I could’ve expected anything else.” He laughed, still trying his best to read your face to see if your absorbed what he was saying.

“It’s not easy for me to deal with indefinite timelines,” You admitted, looking at the wall of your bedroom in the distance, “But you know that already. I feel this torturous sense of longing for you in my bones, and knowing that it’s going to stay there for god knows how much longer...”

“I know, doll. Trust me, I know.” He told you.

“Uncertain reunion dates in the future aside, what I can say for sure is that I have the world’s kindest, bravest, most prolific altruist for a boyfriend, and knowing that you’re not only safe but offering yourself up for the sake of others like you are-” You stopped for a moment, desperately trying to not get choked up, “It gives me so much hope.”

When he heard that, he knew you’d gotten the message. It was about finding incentives that gave you hope, that allowed you happiness in moments of forlorn longing.

“Well, shucks.” 

Bucky heard you snort in reply to his witticism. He closed his eyes and smiled, truely embracing what you’d said to him. All he ever wanted was to do right by the world; to give back to it. He’d gotten the biggest second chance in recorded history, and he’d be damned if he didn’t make the most of it. Knowing you not only saw the work he put in, but that you were proud of him for it? It made him absolutely melt.

“I’m incessantly in love with you and everything you are.” You said with no chastizing mention of his first name this time.

“I love you too, (Y/N). So much.”

You hummed for a moment, and Bucky tried to decipher if you were doing it out of contentment or if you were thinking.

“You miss kissing me, huh..?”

Thinking. It had definitely been thinking. And by the delish tone of your voice and look on your face Bucky saw when he opened his eyes, it was nothing all too innocent.

You circled the rim of your mug with your finger, drawing out your next words languidly and elicited a low groan from him.

“How about you tell me what else you miss, baby?”

[chibinoyume]

Creator meme

Thank you @indelibleevidence for the tag!

RULES: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works <3

--

This made me realize once again how much Fandom helped me through the pandemic for a few months - browsing through my own tags there’s so much stuff I’d completely forgotten about!

1) “Jane Doe” - a 3 part comic series (especially the first one)

Post 5x10, where Jane has lost her memories because of the ZIP, and slowly bonds again with Kurt and the team. Originally it was meant to be a 4 to 5 part comic series, but I needed to get it done before the finale aired, and I ran out of time. Since I have the lines written down somewhere, I may write it as a fic at some point, albeit a very minimalist one (and it would count as canon divergent post 5x10), because it was meant to be a comic script.

Still, the first part of this comic took SO LONG and while I can still pick at things I could have done better, I’m proud of it anyway, especially because my specialty are chibi-like drawings. Cute is my cup of tea, serious is haaaard. 

2) “Ever After” - a bittersweet Jeller oneshot.

Technically there is a second chapter to this, but reads more as an epilogue, so this could be read as a standalone (and I don’t know if I’ll ever get to finishing that 2nd chapter! I’ll try, though).

I mostly wrote it for myself as a fix-it fic (sort of) after the series finale. While I stubbornly will stay in happy-ending camp, sometimes when I saw images of the sad-ending, that feeling of dread filled my gut. I had some ideas in my head to narratively justify what happened, including the odd dinner scene, so I rushed to write it out while the Muse kicked and screamed at me to do so.

So in the fic, it starts as Jane collapses to the ground, but not everything is rosy and magically fixed. Both Jane and Kurt have to deal with the aftermath of what happened, and be there for each other as they learn their new normal and start healing from it, in the way supportive partners do ♥

3) Nightmares - a hurt/comfort Jeller fanart.

Post 4x12, this is how I’d imagine things may go, at least sometimes. Jane almost died (again), and even though she is now fine, has her memories and is no longer poisoned, losing her is still Kurt’s biggest fear, and he has nightmares about it in the following days or weeks. Not all the time, but when they show, it hits hard. She’d always try to reassure him as best she can, whispering words of comfort as he mumbles incoherently and apologizes for what could have been.

While some details about it still bug me (why am I like this) I still like this drawing a lot. One of the many scenes of Jeller in bed that are in my headcanon, if only finding good references for Jane’s tattoos (other than her arms) wasn’t such a hassle, I swear I’d have done so many more.

4) Honest screencaps: one & two (I couldn’t choose) 

I just had to lol when I was rewatching season 1 earlier in the year and screencapping things for drawing reference and because of reasons, some facial expressions where just too good not to caption. The ridiculous lines worked even better as a screencap-comic rather than an actual comic, imo.

It’s so much fun.

5) Too tired for subtlety - a silly Jeller comic.

Early season 5, Kurt is still very much a workaholic, even in the bunker. But this time, Jane is not having it. Mwahaha. 

It took a while to find photos of the relevant tattoos, and even then I had to BS a good bunch of them because the images were too blurry to tell xD. I swear if they released an artbook I’d buy it in a second. They could use the same pictures they had in SIOC where Jane was standing up with all her tats, they blur out the necessary bits and have a map of ALL the tattoos, dammit! 

How am I supposed to draw Summer Jeller when drawing Jane in a bathing suit is gonna take 5 hours just to find references D:?

Bonus) :D this ridiculous video (feat Rich’s rescue)

Basically, expectations vs reality.

This tiny video took way more than I’d like to admit lol and it still looks so choppy. But it’s part of the charm, right? lol Even so, the idea wouldn’t leave me alone and I had to do it. And I feel honored and proud that Ennis saw it on instagram xD

***

Hmmm, trying to tag people Amy hasn’t tagged yet! @marv-el-spot @birdsaesthetic @mchellesvanity @whatshouldjustbeours @singinprincess 

Anyone else, feel free to do it! So much fun.

[wordsandshawn]

Before Now - chapter 20

A/n: AAAHHHHH this is the final chapter! Thank you for sticking with me and reading! It’s bittersweet to finally bring this story to a close, but I’m so so proud to finally complete it after 2 years. I’d love to hear your thoughts so feel free to comment or message me. Again, thank you so much for reading! 

In this chapter ... Skylar and Shawn finally have that talk they were putting off earlier. 

Warnings: just a tiny flashback/nightmare, nothing too descriptive

Word Count: 2.1K 

Catch up on previous chapters here

The next morning Shawn wakes up feeling a lot better, although not completely back to normal. We cuddle for a while until he receives a text that the doctor is there and wondering why he’s not opening the door to my hotel room where he was supposed to be.

“Shawn, Andrew is going to be so mad at me, again.” I state.

“What does he have to be mad about?” Shawn asks, barely looking up from his phone as he types a response to Andrew letting him know that he’s in this room instead.

“You’re not supposed to talk.” I tell him, before saying, “He’s mad because we weren’t supposed to spend the night together.”

“Andrew can’t control me or us. He can’t tell us what to do.” Shawn responds, and even though I want to believe he’s right, I’m also afraid because Andrew can fire me. 

Yeah, Shawn might be upset about it, but Andrew could make an excuse or use my unprofessional behavior as a reason to terminate my contract. That thought has been creeping in the back of my mind ever since I realized how upset Andrew was last night. Actually, that thought has been in my mind ever since I overheard Andrew telling Shawn that he never thought it was a good idea for me to join him on tour from the very beginning.

I don’t respond to Shawn’s statement, mostly because I don’t want to have a conversation about this right now. Also, I don’t want Shawn to talk because I know he isn’t supposed to.

I quickly jump out of bed, rushing around and grabbing my things. I finally grab all of my things before running out the door, barely saying goodbye to Shawn or responding to his protests about my leaving in a rush. I just want to get out before Andrew and the doctor show up. I’m not looking forward to another encounter with him, but I clearly didn’t think it all through because I come face to face with Andrew and the doctor while I’m waiting for the elevator.

“Hi,” I say, mostly out of shock when the doors open.  

“Hi,” Andrew says gruffly before walking right past me. I stand frozen for a few seconds, watching them walk away before I realize what I’m doing and quickly get into the elevator before the doors close on me and I have to wait for another elevator.

Returning to my room, I silently worry as I start getting ready for the day. I don’t hear anything from Shawn, and soon we’re all headed to the venue. Once we arrive, he almost immediately begins rehearsing with his band. I can tell that even with the day off yesterday, Shawn is still struggling, and he’s not quite back to normal, but he refuses to cancel another show and apparently the doctor has cleared him to perform today.

Even though I’m filming different things throughout the day, I don’t actually get to see Shawn very much or say more than a few words to him all day. Later that night, everyone is back on the bus, celebrating a good show as the bus departs for the next city. I say goodnight to everyone in the front before crawling into my bunk. I can still hear everyone in front of the bus talking and hanging out, but I wanted some time for myself. I scroll through my social medias and then start reading the latest book I downloaded.

Slowly people start turning in and the bus begins to get quieter. I’m not sure what I’m waiting up for, but I continue to stay awake even as everyone starts going to sleep. It’s nearly midnight when the curtain to my bunk opens, revealing Shawn’s face.

“Hey,” He whispers, his face inches away from me.

“Hi.” I respond.

He reaches for my hand, “Come to my room?” He pleads, but I hesitate.

“Shawn what are we doing?” I question.

“I’m tired and I just want to be near you,” He admits, not answering the question.

I don’t want to fight him on this because the truth is, I just want to be near him too. The two nights I’ve spent in the hotels with Shawn have been the two nights where I felt the most comfortable, where I felt happiest. There is something about sharing a space with him that makes me feel safe and content in a way that I don’t feel otherwise.

After thinking about it for just a second, I silently slide out of my bunk and follow Shawn to the back where his bed is. He pulls down the covers and I crawl into his welcoming bed. He climbs in next to me and pulls me into his arms.

“Shawn?” I finally ask.

“Hmm?” He questions, his eyes closed.

“What are we doing?” I ask, because that question has been floating around in my mind for the past two days.

“Cuddling.” He responds, still not moving or opening his eyes.

I scoot further away from him, “No, not now, just like in general.”

Shawn’s eyes flutter open. He stares at me for a few seconds, before finally saying, “You want to talk about this now?” His tone is serious and causes me to rethink, do I want to talk about this now?

Biting my lip, I nod. He stares at me and I stare back at him.

“I never stopped loving you.” He blurts. And I open my mouth to reply, but the truth is I don’t know what to say. He continues, “I’m sorry, for what happened when we dated the first time. I know that I was a shitty boyfriend, and I wasn’t there for you, but it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I’ve always loved you, Skylar.” He finishes, the vulnerability swimming in his eyes as he stares at me, watching for my reaction.  

I take a deep breath. There are so many thoughts and questions flying through my mind, but there is one thing that I know. One thing that I think I’ve always known even if I’ve spent years trying to pretend it wasn’t true. I can’t run from it anymore. I don’t want to run from it anymore.

“I love you too.” I whisper. He moves closer, then pauses, watching for my reaction, waiting for me. I close the space, kissing him. His lips are soft, and it feels so good to finally kiss him. Every hesitation I have feels like it disappears from my mind when we kiss.

I pull back before it can escalate any further. None of my questions were really answered, nothing was really said. I love him. I know that, and I don’t doubt that he loves me too. But we didn’t work out last time and it hurt me more than I’d like to admit. I don’t blame him for it, but it sent my life spinning in a way that I don’t want to have ever happen again, but who’s to say that won’t happen again.

“I don’t want to get hurt again.” I whisper, scooting back from him, creating space. I can feel my heart beating in my chest. I’m so nervous. I’m not nervous because of Shawn. I’m more comfortable around him than I am around almost anyone else, even after everything, but I’m nervous because I don’t know what this will mean. I don’t know what this will change. I don’t want to be sent home. I don’t want to get my heart broken.

Shawn reaches across the space between us, taking my hand. “I’m not going to hurt you.” He whispers with so much genuine care and understanding, I find myself believing him. He continues, “I know you’re thinking about last time, and every single what if, but I need you to know I never stopped loving you. That’s why I would always answer your phone calls in the middle of the night even though it broke my heart. That’s why I wrote Treat You Better and kept inviting you to shows and texting you even when you ignored me. That’s why I fought for you to come on tour. It’s because I love you and I’ve always loved you. I’ve been in love with you since we were eighteen. I’m not going to stop fighting for you, Skylar.”

“Shawn, I’m not the same person I was when we were eighteen.” I say, my heart beating so fast. I’m so aware of our closeness.

“I know,” He responds, simply. “And I’m not the same person either. Please Skylar. I know you feel the same way. Please, just let us try. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. I’ve never forgiven myself for the last time. Please, give me a chance to make it right.”

Those words affect me in ways I don’t even know how to talk about, and the truth is, he knows me better than anyone else too because he understands me in a way that no one else ever has.

“We’ll do better this time?” I ask, and he nods, so I continue. “We’ll communicate more, and be honest with each other, and really be there for each other.” I state, holding his gaze. This time isn’t going to be like last time because we’re not who we were last time. I still have a lot of things that I need to process through from the last few years, and Shawn has his own struggles, but we’re not going to push each other away anymore.

Shawn takes my hand, interrupting my thoughts, “Skylar Rose Evans, will you be my girlfriend?”

“You want to be official? Right now?” I question, surprised. Yeah, we just confessed our love for each other, but I thought we’d go into that awkward time of kind of dating, but not being official for a while.

Shawn nods, “I fucked it up last time before even getting to call you mine, I’m not going to make that mistake again.” He responds honestly.

I can’t help but smile and accept his offer. “I’d love to be your girlfriend.” I say, leaning in for a kiss.

I know we still have a lot to talk about and a long way to go, but for now, I’m choosing to stay in this moment with this boy who never gave up on me no matter how many times I tried to push him away out of fear.

.

I’m scared and trapped. Everything feels disorienting and I don’t know how to find my way out. It’s dark, but I know I’m not safe. I can hear Greg yelling, shouting, and threatening me. I don’t know how to find my way to safety. The anxiety in my chest is building, and I’m terrified. “Let me go! Let me go!” I shout, but the truth is I don’t even know which direction I’m trying to go in.

“Skyler, Skylar, love, wake up.”

I hear Shawn’s voice before I’m fully awake, but when I open my eyes, I see him propped up on his elbow staring down at me. “It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m right here.” He says, and my brain registers that it was all a dream.

I immediately move closer to him, just wanting to be held, and he pulls me close to his chest. “I got you.” He whispers.

With the side of my face pressed against his bare chest, I can hear his heart beating quickly, almost as fast as my own. “You’re okay, Ky,” He whispers soothingly, smoothing my hair down, then moving to rub calming circles on my back.

Having Shawn here with me calms me down so quickly. Usually after a nightmare wakes me up, I lay awake for at least an hour, worried to fall back asleep, but this time is different. Shawn holds me close and my breathing is back to normal after only a few minutes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He offers, the same thing he offered the last time we spoke about my nightmares. That time, I pushed him away and brushed him off, but this time, I nod.

“I was stuck,” I whisper.

“Stuck where, baby?” Shawn questions, not stopping his calming circles.

“At—with Greg. And he was upset, and I was scared.” I say, letting my eyes fall closed.

Shawn wraps both of his arms around me, squeezing me gently. “He can’t hurt you anymore.” He whispers. “You’re safe with me.”

“I know.” I whisper back.

Shawn reaches for his phone, and soon John Mayer start’s playing through his speakers softly.

“I love you,” He whispers, still holding me close.

I can’t help but smile hearing him say those words because they make me feel so safe. “I love you too, S.”

He kisses the top of my forehead, and I tilt my chin up, moving to kiss him properly. He smiles through the kiss before finally pulling away, “Goodnight.” He says, brushing his nose against mine.

“Goodnight.” I respond, getting comfortable again and letting my eyes fall closed.

.

.

The End. 

[the-rainbow-meme]

Proud of You

It was over. They won.

It took a while for the idea to settle down on them. They knew their chances were slim, very slim, so they had all made up with the fact that they wouldn’t come back from that one final battle. The famous blaze of glory they all knew would be their end.

But they won. Their job was done, mostly.

They celebrated, they had to. It was a pleasant surprise to be able to celebrate a win without the anguish of having lost someone in the battle, no bittersweet laughs, no toasts in name of the fallen, just them. All four of them, alive and well, save for a few wounds that wouldn’t leave more than a scar and a reminder of that day.

The first to go to bed was Jack, the poor kid had the heaviest weight on his shoulders since before he was even born and he was tired, very tired. He had waved to them with a soft “good night” before leaving the room.

An hour or so later Sam got up and yawned, stretching his whole body in the process. He piled up all the empty pizza boxes from the map table into his arms and patted Dean in the shoulder on his way out.

Dean and Cas stayed for longer, sitting in comfortable silence, like they were used to. Talking about unimportant things and sipping whiskey from their glasses from time to time.

After a couple of hours had passed Dean got up.

“I’ll pick this up and then go to bed” he said, starting to clean up the table.

“Let me help you” said Cas, also getting up and picking up some of the beer bottles that were left from dinner.

They walked down to the kitchen, where Cas threw out the empty bottles while Dean cleaned a couple of glasses.

It wasn’t long until they finished and Dean started to walk to the door, Cas was expecting the usual pat on the shoulder as a “goodnight” but was extremely surprised when Dean pulled him into a hug.

He leaned into him with a soft smile on his face.

“I’m proud of you.” Dean whispered tightening his grip on the angel.

The words caught Cas off guard. He took a second to process them before shutting down his eyes strongly, because they started to burn a little with tears threatening to fall down, and reciprocating the tightness of the embrace.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, which is longer than they’ve ever hugged, until Dean finally let go.

But instead of completely stepping aside from him he cupped one side of Cas’ face with his hand and stared at him with both intensity and softness, searching for the angel’s attention.

“I'm so proud of you Cas,” he repeated a little louder this time “you're the strongest person I know... you've been through hell over and over and you're still standing strong. You've always been there for us, for me, and I could never thank you enough for all that you've done, all that you gave up, just to help me. I know I haven't been always the easiest person to be around, hell,” he chuckled “I know I'm almost never an easy person to be around but I'm very glad you never gave up on me... on us.”

Cas felt like he was melting, he didn’t know how much he needed to hear all those things until they actually came out of Dean’s mouth. He grabbed dean’s wrist, the hunter’s hand still cupping his face.

“Us?” Castiel asked, unsure of who Dean was referring to.

Their little game of extending their confessions to others out of fear of being rejected had run long enough. Sometimes they even wondered if the emphasis on the singular pronouns was really there to be analysed or if they were simply wishing the other felt that way about them.

“Yes, dumbass, us. You and me.” Dean answered with a soft smile on his face.

Cas could feel that something about the hunter had changed, and he was right. He seemed freer. He assumed it must've been the relief of finally taking down Chuck and the reassurance they were given that the world they love would never be in apocalyptic danger again. He knew Dean wanted to retire, he deserved it but he would've never allowed himself to ignore the call of duty, or what he believed was his main priority: save everyone else but himself.

He even started acting more relaxed, his actions, his words, all reflections of everything he kept deep inside himself in order to keep himself cold and ready for everything and anything. But that was pass them now, he got to relax now, he was finally safe.

“I'm proud of you too, Dean” Cas said after a few seconds “and thank you for teaching me how to... be human. You showed me what was worth fighting for and you helped me break out of heaven's... stupid rules, more than once. You gave me a new purpose; one I was happy to serve and thanks to that I got to experience life and the world like I've never had before and I wouldn't change that for anything. The things we've shared truly are the best part of my life.”

The angel took a small pause, which Dean took as an opportunity to caress Cas’ cheek with his thumb.

“And I'm so sorry that you got caught in the middle of every heavenly plan. It was unfair of us, of Chuck, to put the responsibility of saving The World on your shoulders”

Dean opened his mouth to say something but Cas quickly continued.

“Let me finish, please. You never deserved that, neither did Sam but now it's over and you get to be free, Dean. You don't have to save everyone anymore, it's time for you to focus on you because we both know you never did and now you have no excuses”

Dean was taken aback by Cas’ words. He knew his unhealthy coping mechanisms and mental health were common knowledge but he never expected Cas to break the invisible deal to not talk about it and confront him. He never imagined that one of the biggest concerns Castiel had was his wellbeing.

“I love you, Cas" was all he could answer.

The words actually escaped from his mouth; his brain too tired to stop them. He surprised himself and he surprised Cas who was looking at him wide eyed.

But he felt so much lighter than he had in years, this big secret he kept holding onto felt too heavy and now that he had finally let it go, he felt like he could fully breathe again.

“I was always too scared to say it” Dean continued letting out a painful chuckle. “I was too afraid of accepting it and terrified that you’d reject me. But I want to let myself be happy for once.”

Cas moved his hand from dean’s wrist to his hand, pressing it against his face and leaning into it with a smile.

“I love you too, Dean. I always have” he confessed.

Dean smiled at the words and brought his other hand to Cas’ face, fully cupping it. Cas leaned his head towards Dean’s, making their foreheads touch. They stayed like that for a moment, absorbing the sense of safety and calm they gave each other, something that could only be accurately described as home.

Eventually, Dean leaned a little bit more in to let his lips meet Cas’, who quickly reciprocated.

Although it being something new for them, it felt familiar, like they were always supposed to end up there or like maybe even they already lived this, in another life, on another universe.

“I’ve waited too damn long to do that” said dean when they separated.

“Yeah well,” answered Cas with a smile “you better get used to this”

The sound of an alarm interrupted them. It was Sam’s marking what should be the beginning of his annoyingly active morning routine.

The reminder of the passage of time made Dean remember how tired he actually was and so, he let out a yawn.

“You should sleep” Cas said, freeing himself from Dean’s hands in order to encourage him to go.

“Yeah…” Dean answered, moving towards the door once again.

He stopped at the threshold and turned back to Cas.

“Are you coming?” he asked, offering his hand.

Cas took it.

“Of course.”

[fandom-collective-writers]

Reader x Jihyun Kim {MysMes} - Letters to Heal a Broken Heart

Title: Letters to Heal a Broken Heart Fandom: Mystic Messenger Character: Jihyun Kim Genre: bittersweet? romance Warnings: spoilers for his good ending!  Intended Gender Audience: Neutral Audience  Word Count: 2040 words POV: second person Other comments: no smut but im proud of this! please note that everything with the push back is a letter! i think its pretty clear, but i wanted to make sure it’s understood <3 Written by: @mythiica​ Req: 

Dear –

I’ll admit, it feels a bit strange writing a letter for you, but my therapist recommended it. He told me to explain my emotions with words, saying it would help me become more confident. 

See, the reasoning behind it, at least from what I remember, is that there is no pressure to think quickly. Writing allows a flow, a sense of movement between the words before you pick which one you wish to use. Talking is different because it follows a completely contrasting rhythm. To keep a conversation going, you have to speak rather quickly so the person stays engaged in the topic. 

It’s all really interesting, and my therapist has given me a book over the fundamentals of other practices like this. I read half of it on the plane to Japan. 

To clarify, I’m writing this from my hotel room in Tokyo. I landed a few hours ago and the jet lag has yet to hit me, so I decided to take advantage of this time to write. 

I think you’d like it here – the sakura are in full bloom and I have three days dedicated to photographing the sea of pinks as they ripple in the wind. Until now, I’ve only seen pictures of the famous parks, and I never thought that I would be able to witness them in person. 

I didn’t think I’d

I never conside

Ah, I should mention, I’m not allowed to erase or cross out sentences I start. Another confidence booster? It’s a bit sillier, but it’s meant to force me to say what is on my mind, rather than letting it fester. I’ll try again: 

During my years under Mint Eye, my vision was narrowed, and I had only one duty. However, I am learning to broaden my horizons and expand my mind to encompass everything. The urge to explore bubbles in my chest, waiting for the moment to come out. There are so many chances to do anything, and I’ve got all the time to do all of it. 

I’ve also realized that I went over my word limit. I have to stick to 300 words or under. Confidence booster #3! Express yourself with less words. Take a guess of how many times I’ve opened the thesaurus, looking for better synonyms for words? At least seven times in the past five minutes. It’s crazy! 

For now, I’ll sign this off and try better next time. 

                                                 よりご多幸を祈って

                                                           Jihyun Kim

PS, I’m practicing my Japanese! That says best wishes… I think. 

नमस्कार

Hello and greetings from India! I took a long nap on the plane, and forgot to write. Although I’m only passing through, I ate some delicious food (that I should really try to replicate for you). India is absolutely beautiful – from the sunrises to the bustling markets to the colorful fabrics hung at every corner. I’ll inhale the air and smell six things at once, albeit, not all of them are the best, but I embrace it nonetheless. 

More about what I’ve been doing: funnily enough, my phone died on the bus ride, but I made a new friend named Sunmi, and she was kind enough to lend me her charging cable. Instead of ending the interaction there, we spoke for a few hours at least. I learned she was traveling with her friends on a photography excursion. She gave me all the information, and I’d like to look into it when I have wifi again. 

You wouldn’t believe what they’ve seen! Last year they went to Antarctica through South America. She got to pet a penguin! Apparently the company also takes people to Greenland and New Zealand – some places I’ve been dreaming of visiting since I was a young boy. 

I’ll use my last 100 words to mention that… I’ve gotten a bit homesick. I miss the RFA – well, the people from the RFA minus… 

Don’t tell Jumin about the company though, he’ll insist on flying me around with his private jet. I want to experience for myself. Saeyoung is somehow messaging me when I don’t have service? I don’t… understand. Anyways, I also saw Zen landed a huge international role (someone had a magazine on the plane). Otherwise, I hope Jaehee and Yoosung are well. And Elizabeth the 3rd of course. Send them my wishes. 

I didn’t forget about you though! The keychain you gave me reminds me of home every day. It might have lost an eye, but I found a button and stitched it on. And I also wanted to ask you–

Ah, I’m over again. 

Next time. 

                                                           Jihyun Kim

Iyi günler! I am in Turkey now and actually writing this on a boat. The sun is setting over the horizon, making the sky change colors with every passing minute. It’s breathtaking, but I wish you were here with me. The other passengers and I take turns standing at the front of the boat, and I sometimes linger, trying to take pictures. 

Good news! My vision is getting better. I’ve been taking some Greek herbal remedies, and the seem to be helping. Either that, or they have a wonderful placebo effect. Has that ever happened to you? To think something is working, but you’re just imagining things? 

I apologize, maybe that stirred bad memories for you. 

Back to Turkey: I stepped out of my comfort zone and spent a night camping. Honestly? I was terrified of doing so, but now I want to do it every night. It is the perfect temperature for hiking, even though I am a bit sunburned. 

So many people have been commenting on my hair. Good things mostly, and I started styling it with a bit of gel to keep it out of my eyes. It feels good to look people directly rather than through a curtain. 

What are you up to? Hosting anymore parties? I imagine that you are keeping busy, as always of course. My therapist said it would be best to wait messaging you until I return home. I nearly called you a week ago, but I didn’t want to break my vow. It’s like lying to myself, and I know better than that now. 

Still, it doesn’t stop me from dreaming. 

                                                           Sending love, 

                                                                     J

I’m genuinely angry, but writing to you always calms me. Someone stole my bag – I luckily didn’t have much in it, but your keychain… can you make me a new one please? Now that I don’t have it, it’s almost like I’ve lost a part of you. It hurts a lot, but then I wonder if I am being silly. It’s just a keychain. 

Otherwise, France is nice. I didn’t want to go to Paris, so instead I traveled through the countryside to visit a few wineries. 

Yes, I did… drink a bit, but I wasn’t impaired when my bag was stolen! 

You would laugh at me if I told you what happened, so I will save the story for another time. Before coming to France, I went through Germany and visited some of the most beautiful castles I’ve ever seen. They all looked like they could be straight from a fantasy movie set, and I was convinced one – Neuschwanstein Castle – actually was. 

I’ve barely written anything despite so much happening. 

I got a haircut (finally), because it was becoming a hassle to tie it back at night. 

One evening, I fed some stray cats and they followed me home. 

And a drunk (?) tried to play cards with me. But he didn’t have cards. He was dealing an imaginary deck. 

Other stories will have to wait until I see you again, and I feel better now. It’s okay to be upset, but it won’t hinder my trip any more. 

                                                           Je t'aime, 

                                                                     Jihyun

Alaska doesn’t have a night. 

That’s not exactly true, but it’s basically true. The hotel has special curtains that block the light, and it is only dark for a few hours. 

It has been many miles since I last wrote, but I was caught up in visiting show after event after party after exhibit through America. Their art has given me a new perspective on point of view and emotions, so I hope that the ten camera chips I’ve filled with photographs will be able to convey the same sense of awe. 

I’ve also been mistaken for an idol? Like – multiple times. Interesting to say the least, maybe I’ll say yes to the next person that asks. What should my stage name be? I’ll spare you the embarrassment and not share my ideas. They are all very silly and no one would believe me if I told them my name was Cam Ra. Do you get it? It’s bad, I know. 

I’ll be returning home soon, unless I get distracted or impulsive and go down to California and Hawaii before coming back. I want to – it doesn’t feel right to return just yet. But that doesn’t mean anything about you! 

Really, I think about you and everyone else each day. 

Have you met new people? We’ll exchange so many stories… 

                                                           See you soon, 

                                                                     J K 

You pace around, waiting for the last guest on the list to appear. The party started an hour ago, but he still has not arrived. Then again, it has been three months since anyone heard a whisper from V, and you start to lose hope. Swallowing hard, you remind yourself that V is having a wonderful time exploring the world and finding himself. 

          Taking a handful of your dress, you turn and head through the doors to the main room. Jumin tries to pull Saeyoung away from Longcat, Yoosung explains his most recent surgeries to a group of nurses from his work place, and Jaehee receives many compliments for her majestic cake. 

         Everyone is happy and has moved on. 

         You hope V has too. 

         Maybe all the wishing and praying finally paid off, because you hear his familiar voice calling out behind you. It’s a long shot, but you turn around nonetheless, thinking it is a different guest. 

         Instead, you see Jihyun, wearing the most dazzling smile you’ve ever seen, running towards you. He’s carrying a folder filled with papers, but that doesn’t stop him from embracing you. He smells rugged, like his voyage has transformed him, but you rather like it. 

         “Jihyun!” You melt against his hug. “You’re.. Here… you’re here!” 

         Your squealing draws everyone’s attention, but he focuses on you and only you. “Of course I’m here. I missed you more than I can verbalize.” 

         His stance is open, welcoming, and confident, much different from two years ago. He is a different person now, brave and proud. Jihyun offers you the folder. It is strange to gift something in the middle of a party, but you accept it anyways, happy he has returned. 

         Jihyun’s heart races as he explains. “I wrote you letters every time I went somewhere new. These are just a few of them, really I have so many. But each shows something I’ve learned.” He takes a breath and laces his fingers with yours. “This is sudden, and I’m sure you will need time to think about it, but I’m trying something new: asking without being afraid. Over the past two years, I’ve… longed for you. Art has shown me the power of friendship, joy, perseverance, and most importantly, dedication. I want to dedicate my art to you, if you’ll stand by my side.” 

         You can’t find the words to express yourself because you are so awestruck. He truly has changed, but he has embraced himself and his life. Tears start to roll down your cheeks from the overwhelming surge of emotions. Jihyun brushes them away and presses his forehead to yours. 

         “I still have much to learn, but I want to do it all with you.” 

         “I’d like that a lot, Jihyun,” you whisper, captivated by his intense gaze. 

         “And I can finally say this without fear–” 

         You tip your head up, and Jihyun kisses you the next moment. His lips are chapped and the warmth radiating from his skin envelops you. He doesn’t need words to communicate it, because you understand perfectly what he is trying to say. 

[charmspoint]

Author Interview

Saw this on @prince-liest and did it cuz i needed a pick me up today, they said to tag them so there ya go I hope it’s interesting <3

Fandoms: Very much mostly BNHA, though I’m getting back in Bungou Stray Dogs and already have fics I wanna write there too. Other fandoms I dabbled in: Promised Neverland, Promare n Forest of Drizzling rain

Where I post: on AO3 at CharmPoint! ….don’t be…don’t be fooled by my tumblr name I’m just sacrificing a brand for a bad joke

Most popular one shot: The crown goes to Far too young, I think this one was just in the right time and place while Promised Neverland high was at it’s peak. It’s the only one shot I have that broke 100 kudos so I’m p proud of it.

Most popular multichapter fic: ….it’s…it’s Ignite me, god I wish it wasn’t but it is. I’m not gonna link it cuz I honestly don’t want ppl to read more of it. Like there’s nothing especially bad about it….aside from the writing. The writing is just down right awful, I wrote this two years ago with a coauthor (hi Tati) and it went on a hiatus and then I went to reread it to remind myself how to continue and aaaaa I couldn’t get through chapter 3 it was SO BAD. The reason is that we adapted it from a rp and…we did so pretty badly. I really don’t like it but I don’t wanna delete it cuz 1. It’s not only mine 2. A lot of people seemed to really really like it…somehow, they are so strong. My ultimate mission is to one day rewrite this fic and make a good Ignite me, one day…

Favorite story written so far: That would definitely be Call of the Wild (at least of ones posted rn, Red String of Death just might overtake it). I think this was the first time I reread one of my own fics and felt genuine pride. Like complete unabashed pride. I kept going :0 I did that, her mind!! Especially the first chapter, which is one I use for all my zine apps lmao. I think I got the atmosphere just right, I think I got the foreshadowing just right, I really like what I did with silence vs dialog through the story. I’m just so proud of it. I’ll probably never write anything for Kiribaku again but if I gave them one fic, I’m glad it was Call of the Wild.

Fic I was nervous to post: That would be The suffocating quality of your dying breaths (And the effect they had on me). I really liked this fic, I really vibed with it and I had a lot of fun writing it but I was afraid that what I was trying to say wouldn’t come across right. It’s a fic about suicidal tendencies not from the perspective of the person having them but the person closest to their side…that kinda hates their guts. I’m not sure how well I managed to get it across the 3 chapters it has, but it’s supposed to be about realizing your boundaries and that sometimes you just aren’t a person for the job and that sometimes you really shouldn’t torture yourself over what you can’t do and just do what you can instead. Some things require professional help and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for not being able to offer that kind of help. I was just afraid that ‘you have limits to what you can do to help’ would be misinterpreted as ‘so you think you should just not help suicidal people huh??’ I received a positive reception for it so if nothing else it went over well with some people!

Do you outline?: I just learned to properly outline this year ;;; I used to just go with the flow and that…ended up pretty bad. But now I found an outlining style that suits me and it helped a lot to make my writing better!!

Complete: 15! Most of them oneshots and staggering 9 from this year alone. I had a very bad creative drought for such a long time but now I’m back n yall there’s no stopping me

In progress: If we go by what’s not posted yet rn I’m working on 7 fics in various stages of done. I also have two more fics in WIP folder but they are waiting till I have time n motivation to write them. Also my notes are overflowing with future story ideas hbjbhj there’s a LOT.

Coming soon: Drumroll, three big bang fics (DabiHawks, ShinKami n TodoBaku) , one secret santa fic (it’s a surprise ;3c) and eventually three zine fics (>;3c) . Ya girl is head deep in events rn jjknjk HELP (jk I actually have them all under control believe it or not). These events played a large part in getting my motivation ball rolling again so I’m pumped to be a part of them, though also looking forward to more none event works after this.

Do I accept prompts?: Sure, if I’m vibing with the idea n have the free time (which I don’t ever;;;)

Upcoming works I’m most excited for: Red String of Death, my upcoming DabiHawks big bang fic! Honestly I’ve had a wild ride with this one, a real roller-coaster. I was really excited by the idea, then I was afraid it was boring actually, then I got a great beta who encouraged me a lot and provided a lot of valuable feedback and now im PUMPED again, I think it’s p good if I do say so myself and I’m super excited to see how people feel about it. It’s not the happiest story I’d say, it follows in the footsteps of Call of the Wild by having a sorta bittersweet ending and in being like a fic that’s about a commonly used sort of magic trope (werewolves vs reincarnation n soulmates) being given a little twist that makes it oh so painful. Anyway if it’s spiritual successor to Call of the Wild then you know my hype is real, I just hope others like it as much!

Tagging: Uhhh do it if you want to its late and im lazy to tag!!!

[dietraumerei]

Weekly Writing and Reading Update

I mostly called it in to work and did like 6-hour days and, uh, it still feels like I didn’t write that much somehow? (I’m off, minus one meeting, until January 2nd. I want to write my face off, although tbh I am going to work really hard at getting out of my apartment and having structure and things like that.)

Writing

Ineffable Holidays Advent: Still writing a story every few days for this! It is very fun, and I’m glad I’m being chill about it and not trying to write every single day. I will finish today’s and put it up soon, and I updated the AO3 archive a few hours ago.

A Little Place in the Country: One chapter up, and another completed that I”ll put up soon. Also I’ve been watching a lot of how-to videos about drywall. This still feels kind of....not disjointed, but I guess, episodic? It is them building a life together, and that happens slow, so it’s a slow story. Nonetheless, I love it so much, and hope you’ll all enjoy the next chapter, when they return to London for a bit.

Reading

Okay, so I’ve got like 30 pages left to go, but let’s just acknowledge that I’ll finish Hogfather today, so that can go on the list. I am reading it because, well, it’s Hogfather and it’s the best story about Christmas ever written, and I miss Terry. I don’t read it every single Christmas, but I’ve hit most of them since...okay, I remember definitely reading it in 2000 cos it inspired a paper I had to write. So 20ish years. I really love this book, and for whatever reason, I feel like I’ve laughed out loud at it more this year than in the past.

I also finished The Secret Commonwealth which. Uh. Hm. Okay so as a whole I liked it, but when I think too hard about several aspects, they sort of fall to pieces.

Oh, a bit of a silly nice thing -- there’s a fair bit of Welsh in one part, and based on my own internal logic and a half-remembered headline, I have decided was written SPECIFICALLY to be a giant nudge to Michael Sheen, who I believe was definitely going to do the audiobook even before the thing was written. I actually put the book down at that part and said aloud “Oh, for goodness’ sake’. (I am also sort of proud because my Welsh isn’t very good, but I could easily translate it, and that made me very happy.) Anyway, I look forward to listening to MS’s very best Extremely Welsh Uncle Voice for those bits.

That said, I know the book’s fairly new, so spoilers under the cut.

(OH AND. Warning for both the book and the spoilers: There’s a pretty graphic sexual assault near the end of the book which I was NOT EXPECTING. Drop me a note if you want details and to discuss if it’s something that would be okay for you to read or skip or whatever.)

well, I have to say, ‘Lyra becomes a Randian/Hitchens-ite’ is not the storyline I was expecting. I don’t dislike it -- I was unbearable at 20 myself, it’s very realistic. I just. Hm. Okay, the more I think about it, the more I like it, because it feel so very, very real. Also it’s pretty obviously Pullman Saying Some Shit about other atheist writers, which I am Here For.

I like that the events of the first trilogy didn’t change jackshit about the world. That is also, depressingly, realistic. Really, the whole novel is incredibly zeitgeist-y. (Okay, maybe it holds up to scrutiny better than I’d thought. In parts.) Sometimes it’s a little too cute about that, mind.

Pan fucking off is heartbreaking and extremely...real-feeling. I tend to read at night with a cat by my feet, and while I love my cats equally, Owain is my daemon. He just is. And I was glad he was right there when I read the bits where Pan leaves, because they’re so bittersweet. I’d want to ditch Lyra too, frankly.

I...do not like the romance(?) with Malcolm. It’s sort of icky? Perhaps because the last time we saw the together, really, he was her caretaker because she was an infant. In-universe, it’s not really enough to trigger the dating-your-relatives taboo, but going from book to book, it’s pinging it real fuckin hard for me. I’m also not sure why he’s gone on her -- have they spent that much time together? Is he in love with an idea? Pullman’s been good about such things in the past, so I sort of hope this doesn’t go anywhere, or we all learn a valuable lesson about falling for an idea of a person, but yeah. I dunno. It goes between a place where I can almost see it, to meh, to actually kinda squicking me out.

Also, that sexual assault. Yeah. That happened. I...am not automatically against it. I am willing to trust Pullman enough that it’s something random and horrible and not...okay, you know how in GoT, there was just rape every which where, and it only served the plot in icky, titillating ways? Basically, for this, I will be okay if it’s 1) a random event that fucks Lyra up and otherwise serves no purpose, because that’s how it works in real life or 2) it serves the plot but for a REALLY FUCKING GOOD REASON. Anyway, I look forward to skipping that chapter in the audiobook and on every re-read. Full marks, it was horrible and scary and not sexy in the least, so he got that much right.

So I guess a lot of the stuff I’m wary of will be resolved -- or not -- in the final book.

[sparklebitch]

A Bittersweet Moment (langst)

Summary: Lance and Allura spend some time together while searching the castle.

Trigger warnings are posted in the tags.

“Would you like to help me, Lance?” Allura asked. The question startled Lance out of his thoughts. I was quietly brooding in the corner, not listening to the conversation.

“What?” Allura cocked her head and shot him a dazzling smile.

“I asked if you wanted to help me?” Lance straightened up. “The others are quite busy, and there’s quite a lot of ground to cover, I mean it could be anywhere in the castle” Lance was nodding before she even finished her question.

“Yeah, of course!” he said quickly. He had been dying to have one on one time with the princess for weeks. “Right now?” he said, already scrambling to his feet. Allura shrugged.

“Now’s as good a time as any” she said, getting up off the couch.

“Do tell me if you find it, Princess” Coran said, looking up from his conversation with Hunk. “I’m interested if it still works” Allura assured him that she would, and then she followed Lance out into the hall.

“Thank you for helping” she said as they walked side by side. Lance had no idea where they were going or what they were doing, but he was excited nonetheless. “We’ll start in the older part of the castle, I’m guess it’s there somewhere” Lance frowned and nodded.

“Uh, what exactly does it look like?” he asked.

“It’s round, about this big” Allura held up her hand, showing that I was about the size of a baseball. “And it’s silver”

“Okay” Lance’s head kept nodding, despite the fact that he was trying to stop it. “And… what does it do again?” he asked. Allura shot him a look.

“You… weren’t paying attention earlier were you?” she asked. Lance blushed and scratched the back of his neck.

“No, I was!” he said defensively. “I- I just… forgot” Allura let out a soft laugh.

“It’s alright” she said as they ventured deeper into the castle. Lance had never gone this far before. He stayed in the main area where everyone hung out. He had no reason to go this far. “It’s just an orb that contains some Altean magic. It recovers memories from deep in your subconscious. Coran needs it so that he can remember how to fix the castle’s engine before it’s too badly damaged” she explained. Lance nodded.

“Alright. Where do we start?”

~   ~   ~

The two of them had been through half a dozen rooms already, none of which Lance had ever been in before, and still hadn’t found the orb. It had been mostly silent aside from occasional sighs of disappointment from Allura when she realized that it wasn’t in the room. Lance was more than a little disappointed. He thought that this would be a good chance for him to really connect with Allura, but she hadn’t spoke to him in almost an hour. His shoulders slumped in disappointment as Allura slowly exited the room and began walking toward the next.

Lance’s heart beat wildly in his chest as he walked by her side, trying to come up with something to say. Anything. All he wanted to do was have a real conversation with her. “Do you miss your father?” Lance mentally smacked himself. Why would he bring that up? He knew that she still missed him. It was something that no one brought up, they were giving her time to grieve.

“Uh…” Allura hesitated. Her steps slowed. “Yes” she said simply. Lance grimaced and hunched his shoulders, inwardly cursing at himself for brining it up. He was getting ready to apologize when she spoke again. “I do still miss him, but it doesn’t hurt as much now. It’s more… I don’t know” she shook her head. “I’m not sure how to describe it” Lance nodded in understanding.

“You still miss him and love him, but he’s not constantly on your mind. It makes it feel better and worse, like it’s good that you’re moving on, but you feel like you’re betraying him because it doesn’t hurt anymore” Allura turned to Lance in surprise.

“Yes, exactly” she said, her eyes full of some emotion that Lance couldn’t quite place. “You miss your family” she said. It was a statement, not a question. Everyone knew that Lance missed his family like crazy. He talked about it every day when he first arrived in space. Now he internalized most of his feelings, finding that he had no one to talk to. Everyone paired off, leaving Lance alone. Hunk had Pidge, Keith had Shiro, Allura had Coran. Lance had no one.

“Yeah” Lance scratched the back of his neck as Allura turned into the next room. It was different from any of the rooms that they had been in before. The others were small bedrooms that were used for storage, but this room was a kitchen. It was bigger than the one that they used. There were stoves lined up in the middle of the room, and the walls were lined with counters and storage spaces. “I- I think about them a lot. But… not so much anymore. I feel like… like…” Lance trailed his hand across one of the counters, lost in thought for a moment.

“I completely understand” Allura said from across the room. Lance leaned up against the counter and watched Allura for a moment. She crouched down and looked in the cabinet before closing it and moving on to the next. “Sometimes I feel like my father would be sad that I moved on so quickly, but I try to remind myself that I’m moving on so that I can save the universe. I’m doing this for him”

“I try to think of my family when I get back. How proud they will be of me after I help save the universe” he said, his voice shaking slightly “That’s the only way I can get through the day sometimes” Allura turned and peered at Lance curiously. Lance glanced away self-consciously.

“I hope you can return to your family soon” Allura said before turning back to the cabinet in front of her. Lance crossed his arms and shuffled his feet.

“Thanks” Lance turned and began searching the cabinets behind him.

The two of them searched through dozens of rooms, rummaging through piles and piles of junk, some stacked to the ceiling. They had been working together for hours. A part of Lance hoped that they would never find it, so they could continue spending time together, exploring the castle.

Lance and Allura began chatting idly after that. They talked about everything and nothing before lapsing into a comfortable silence. This time Lance didn’t even mind that they weren’t speaking.

“Where is it?” Allura grumbled. She leaned back with a sigh and then began pulling back her hair and tying it up in a ponytail. Lance watched Allura for a moment. She was beautiful. Lance’s heart ached as he watched her tie up her long white hair, pushing it behind her ears. He felt something like longing in his chest.

“I don’t think it’s in here” Lance said, breaking his gaze away from the princess. Allura stood up and brushed off her dress.

“No, I don’t think it is”

“Let’s move to the next room” Lance turned and followed Allura. “This way” Allura said as they turned down another hallway, moving to the next room to search. It had to be the middle of the night, Lance thought, but he didn’t mind. He ignored the exhaustion tugging at his body and pressed on. He would search for a week if it meant getting to spend time with the princess.

They walked through a huge doorway and into the biggest room that Lance had ever seen. The ceiling was made entirely out of glass. The room was at the very end of the ship, so the glass ceiling curved down into one of the walls, creating a beautiful window to the stars. The universe stretched out in front of Lance as far as he could see. Lance walked out into the middle of the room, marveling at the scene in front of him. He was in complete awe of it.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it” Allura said, moving to stand next to him. “This is the ballroom” her voice echoed through the room.  “People came from all across the universe to attend the dances. They were… they were extravagant” She breathed. “We would prepare for weeks, cleaning, decorating, preparing food. Everyone had fun. The food, the music” Allura’s eyes went glassy as she recounted her memory. “I still remember my first dance. It was only a few years old. My father brought my right out here,” Allura gestured to where they were standing. “And he took my hand…” she tailed off, lost in through for a moment before turning to Lance, her hand outstretched. Lance shakily put his hand in hers. “We danced for hours, I never wanted that night to end” she pulled Lance closer to her chest and looped one arm around his neck. Lance placed his free hand on her waist and they began swaying back and forth to the tune of invisible music.

“Allura…” Lance said breathlessly. He had never seen her like this. So vulnerable.

“You’re different then I thought you would be, Lance” Allura said, her voice barely audible. “When I first met you I- I don’t know what I thought. But you’re not anything like that. You’re… you’re thoughtful. You’re caring” A sad smile thought tugged at the corner of her mouth. “You’re the only one who has asked about my father. Everyone else tiptoes around me like they’re walking on eggshells. All I want to do is just… talk with someone. Share my feelings”

“You-  you can share with me, Princess” Lance said. Allura’s eyes locked with his. “I’m available any time if you want to talk” Her expression softened. They had drifted closer at some point. Lance could feel Allura’s breath on his face.

“Lance…” She said, her voice changing suddenly. “I—” She abruptly cut off as her gaze was drawn elsewhere. “Oh!” she exclaimed suddenly. She rushed past Lance. Lance’s heart sank in disappointment. Lance turned and followed Allura with his eyes. “Here it is!” she said, clasping her hands together in excitement.

Sitting on a pedestal near the edge of the room was a gleaming silver orb.

“Are- are you sure that’s it?” Lance stuttered, praying that it wasn’t. He wasn’t ready for this night to end. He wanted more time with her. He needed more time with her. What was she about to say to him?

“Yes!” she said excitedly. She took the smooth object in her hands and—

Her whole body seized, and the orb fell from her hands and rolled away. “Allura!” Lance shouted as he rushed to her side, catching her before she collapsed on the floor. She slumped into his arms. Her head lulled onto his chest before her eyes finally fluttered open.

“Lance…?” she breathed delicately. The way she said his name sent a shiver down Lance’s spine. It was so soft, so familiar.

“What happened?” he asked quietly, adjusting his grip on her to keep from falling over.

“I- I forgot how much the orb takes out of you. It’s exhausting, really” Allura shook her head and then stood up, pulling out of Lance’s grip. “Thank you” she said, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

“But what… what was that” Allura nodded to the orb, which had rolled a few feet away.

“The orb. It- it transports you to the memory that is repressed in your mind” Lance smiled at her. “I saw a memory of my father” Allura said, a smile stretching across her face. Lance bent down to pick up the orb.

“What happened in your memory?” he asked.

“My father- Lance! Don’t touch-!” As Lance’s fingers wrapped around the orb his body went limp and everything went black.

‘Lance walked around the corner toward the hangar, the question heavy on his tongue. He froze as his eyes landed on the sight in front of him. The words died on his lips. It felt like the whole world stopped around him.

Allura, locked in an embrace with Lotor. He was saying something to her. She leaned back, her eyes filled with something… something that looked like love. Lotor dipped his head down and…’

Lance woke up on the floor, Allura kneeling down at his side. She laughed lightly.

“Are you alright?” she asked. “I told you, the orb takes a lot out of you” Lance kept his expression neutral as he sat up. His chest felt tight, like he couldn’t get enough air.

“I’m fine” he said coolly.

“What memory did you see?” Allura asked. “Was it something important?” Lance shrugged as he climbed to his feet.

“Uh, not really” he lied. “Hey, if that’s everything, I’m… I’m going to head to bed” Allura blinked and took a step back.

“O- oh” she frowned slightly. She had been enjoying her time with Lance as well, and she didn’t know what brought on his sudden change in attitude. “Alright… Thank you again, Lance, for helping me” Allura said, picking up the orb through the material of her dress, careful not to touch it with her skin.

“Yeah, no problem” Lance said quietly, not looking her in the eyes.

The whole evening was bittersweet for Lance. He really enjoyed his time with Allura, but he knew that she would never feel the same way that he felt.

~   ~   ~

| Other fics | Ko-fi |

[livelivefastfree]

100% need a masterpost of your fics cause you've been drawing them and I love everything. But recs would be appreciated too!!

ALRIGHTY THEN.  One……VERY large post of my fics and my Motorcity recs, coming up.  ^v^  50+ fics for y’all’s consumption.

Let’s start with my fics, because I know them better, haha.

–

Save A Horse, Ride A Dragon

One of my fav fics I’ve done to date in any fandom.  Mike is a mercenary dragon trapped in the shape of a human, wandering the Michigan wastes in post-apocalyptic magical America, when he and his Burners get an offer from the mysterious Lord Vanquisher.  T+ at this point for suggestive moments and makeouts. Polyburners/Muckles.  Warnings for the Duke being The Worst, and for Mike being the DUMBEST oblivious thirst-lizard.

The Officer Present//Director Absent series (AKA Live Free and Welcome To The Kane Co Family)

A love letter to the Season 2 that never was, co-written by me and my twin sister toastyhat/HeatedHeadwear!  :D  Live Free chronicles the appearance of a new, menacing super-soldier in Motorcity, the shadowy machinations that led to his appearance and an overarching plan from Kane that could destroy Motorcity–once and for all!!!!!!  Welcome to the Kane Co Family starts shortly after the fallout from the first, with both cities struggling to come to terms with their new reality–but the world is changing and there are new threats on all sides, and if they thought their status quo changed in the first fic, BOY THEY’VE GOT A BIG STORM COMING!! >8Dc  Also Julie punches multiple people and generally kicks ass, it’s fabulousBoth fics are gen, they’re both rated T+ for violence, Evil Science, angst, etc.  Warnings for copious Deluxe worldbuilding, egregious amounts of backstory, a couple OCs I’ve been reliably informed are extremely fun, and chapter titles in the style of anime episode titles, because why not.  :D

Supersynesthesiac

Originally created solely to fill a prompt from a sexy prompt generator, this fic and the world it’s set in both spiralled wildly out of control, and a much more plot-heavy sequel is in the works.  Supersynesthesiac follows Mike Chilton, a vigilante superhero in Detroit Of The Future, as he finally meets his elusive, telepathic partner Blonde Thunder under the most dramatic circumstances possible.  Rated M for psychic makeouts, mind-melding and also there’s sex happening, probably.  It’s not nearly as lovingly described as the mind-meld porn going on in the foreground.  Polyburners is happening in the background, but this fic is basically entirely Muckles.  Warnings for Red being awful.

Rest In Pieces (Come Apart)

Mike is getting entirely out of control, and needs to burn off energy before he can get himself (and everybody else) in trouble again.  Fortunately his gang has a Plan.Rated M for sweet, loving and totally relentless polyburners gangbang.  Warnings for everybody being absolute dorks.  Also bondage and edging, if that’s not your thing. UoU

Werewolves Of Detroit

A series of vignettes exploring the world of Mike Chilton, rogue ex-commander werewolf, his vampire best friend, his highly unconventional pack, and the world they live in. EVERY section is illustrated and I’m very proud.Rated T+, mostly gen with mentions of Dutch/Tennie.  Warnings for Kane being a huge bigot, mentions of KaneCo-mandated surgery, and Texas being an asshole about vampires.   

Exposure Therapy 

Mike has a cool idea for a cool present for his cool boyfriend to totally cure Chuck’s fear of going fast in Mutt.  Rated M for dumb, fluffy smut and implied sex toys.  Warnings for unsafe driving practices.

Kiss And Tell

Somebody came into my askbox and suggested polyburners–but the rest of the city doesn’t know that’s their relationship, just that SOME configuration of Burners is together, and it seems to change CONSTANTLY.   Rated T+ for vaguely-implied possible sex at some point off-screen.  Warnings for nothing, this fic is a perfect warm fluffy representation of my poly-burner feelings and I love it.

Wreck

A little snapshot from an AU I’m not really planning to flesh out–I mostly wanted to capture a certain kind of bittersweet emotional conflict.  Chuck’s doing his best to keep his head down and live through college when a face he hasn’t seen since The Accident shows up at his door.  Vaguely Muckles-ish.  Rated T+ for reference to a nasty car accident and the aftermath, warnings for Kane being, just, Not A Good Dad.  

Override 0

Not exactly an AU, more of a speculative fic about the Burners finding out that Chuck’s enhancements go a lot further than just the weapons systems in his arms.  A realization prompted, of course, by the Duke of Detroit’s thirst for drama.  T+, no pairings.  Warnings for, in the words of AO3′s tag system, “#Loss Of Limbs”, mind control via brain-hacking, and mentions of unethical scientific/surgical procedures.

So Real In The Dark

I challenged myself to write people pining for each other while simultaneously being in a relationship, and a sci-fi AU with an artificial amnesia hookup service turned out to be the solution.  Half a fic about boys being incredibly dumb, and half a fic about trauma, bigotry, coping mechanisms and communication, and how you can love somebody and know them incredibly well and still not really understand them.  Explicit, Muckles, background Dutch/Tennie and Claire/Julie.  Warnings for brief stranger danger, aphrodisiacs, more poor treatment of cyborgs, and emotional gut-punch.

 –Stuff I Post About That Isn’t Posted/Finished Yet–

Burnerswap

A universe where the Burners are grown-up villains, and the former villains of the canon series are our new teenage heroes.  They’re dysfunctional and weird, but they’re doing their best to protect the clean, orderly, shining city of Deluxe from the gangs and bots and nasty, climbing bots that Ms. Kane sends up from the city below.  UoU  Likely to be rated T+ if I ever post it. Not much in the way of pairings except Ms. Kane’s right and left-hand man are VERY married and VERY tragic because you know I gotta fit Muckles in there.  

–Collab Fic / Gift Fic–

Chilton 2.0 by me and LaughingStones

The Kane Co. super-soldier program needs a volunteer, and who better to be superhumanly enhanced than the rising star of the Security program, Commander Chilton?  He’d never betray Kane Co, or need to have his brain overridden!  There’s no way this project can possibly go wrong!  Rated M for some pretty fucked-up treatment of cyborgs, and also for sexy future reasons. Warnings for Mike getting really messed up physically, emotionally and psychologically by bad programming and free-will overrides, and also for dumb boys stumbling awkwardly through impromptu sex-ed together.  Muckles.

i’m not the same kid from your memory by roachpatrol and also I helped

Kane Co. captures Chuck and manages to do some nasty shit to his brain before the Burners come and re-capture him.  Chuck does NOT appreciate being held captive by Burner Scum.  Emotions!!! Angst!!!!!  …it’s rated T+ on AO3 but there’s sex so just, be aware of that.  UoU  Muckles!

Experiments In Cross-Species Makeouts by LaughingStones

This one is very hard to explain, because Jem and I like to bounce of each other’s AUs and fics and write derivative fics of fics–there’s an OC in the Live Free/Welcome To The Kane Co Family universe who has what is essentially a nasty brainy kismessisitude/hate-love relationship (not fully explored in the fic, but very fleshed out in my mind, haha) with Chuck.  And this is….those two, but with the races/species from Werewolves of Detroit.  So…supernatural AU Chuck/OC hate-sex.  M, obviously.  Warnings for vampires getting drunk on siren blood and Live Free/WttKCF spoilers.

Recalibration Nation by HeatedHeadwear

!!!! A fic for my picture of Chuck as the Duke’s cyborg bodyguard, because toasty is great.  A+ hurt/comfort and recovery and bittersweet life-goes-on vibe, aslkfjsadf I love it.  T+, no pairings, warnings for anxiety/panic attacks, ear trauma, violence, emotions.

Proper Disposal Of Project Materials by LaughingStones

A scene in Chilton 2.0 I didn’t get to write; Chuck is a Failed Project, and Kane Co. has no used for Failed Projects.  Fortunately, the techs he grew up working with have his back.  T+ for (yet again) unethical treatment of cyborgs.  

Making Friends The Superhero Way by LaughingStones

Set before Supersynesthesiac; Mike’s good at his superhero job, but sometimes everybody needs help.  In this case, help just happens to have cat ears.  Gen, rated G.  Warnings for trouble breathing and also Mike being a doofus.

The Space Shenanigans series by LaughingStones and roachpatrol 

Loosely related to/based on the Forget Me Not, but set much later.  I’m not sure FMN is going to be poly or not, but these fics are inspired-by, so they go in this section. :D  The various sexy shenanigans of space-captain Mike, cyborg Chuck and Julie the terrifying space princess.  M for sexy shenanigans.  Warnings for (acted/fake) dubcon for the benefit of an asshole, and…..just various sexual shenanigans, I would check the warnings on the fics, haha.  :D

–Aaaaaand some non-me recs!–

(((I’m going to have to speed through these a little bit more, but I love them also, this post is just getting VERY long)))

All Steamed Up by Gumbridge 

Gen, G: coffeeshop AU, technically. Chuck would REALLY like a new espresso machine, he has done the MATH, it’s GOOD BUSINESS, MIKE!!!!!

Artificial Nocturne by Icka M. Chif (mischif)

Gen, T+: Mike accidentally trespasses on the territory of a mysterious guy who calls himself “Hound”.  Mike immediately sets about pushing past the emotional barrier of standoffishness and the physical barrier of giant, repurposed KaneCo HOUNDbots, and ends up with two awesome new friends out of the deal.  (The “Chuck is a constantly-terrified badass with an army of bots” AU)

Atlas and Copernicus by charcoalmink

Gen, G: A piece about how Kane can think of Mike and Julie both as his children, but feel so completely different about them.  Hurts so good, ahhh ToT

Behind The Throne by intravenusann

Duke/No. 2, Explicit: Number 2 would never really leave.  But sometimes it’s nice to be reminded why she stays.  

Bittersweet by EnsignCelery

Gen, G: Sometimes they get stressed.  Sometimes you just gotta lie down and cuddle.

Chicken Soup For The Burner Soul by renquise

Gen, G: Mike’s immunity boosters start to wear off and he goes down like a tree.  Good old-fashioned soft sickfic hurt/comfort.

Constantinople And Timbuktu / By(zantine) Any Other Name by (orphan_account)

Mike/Chuck, G: oh my god, this fic is strange to explain but so fun?? Historical AU–Chuck’s an orphan who ended up a body-double for russian royalty in like 1500, until he ends up kind of ambiguously kidnapped by a Tatar horseman who doesn’t speak his language but has a really nice smile and a fun come-and-go family of other riders from other countries.  In the words of the author, “ [the Russian nomad!au] “

Degreaser by Gumbridge

Claire/Julie, T+: Claire can tolerate getting dirty down in Motorcity, but it has to be under the right circumstances. Julie provides those circumstances.

I Thought You Were Dead by Caligraphunky

Gen, G: Jacob thought all the androids he created for KaneCo were scrapped.  But here’s unit CHUCK, back again.

In The Lost Age Where The Jewels Hide by roachpatrol and LaughingStones

Chuck (Lord Vanquisher)/Mike (Smiling Dragon), Explicit:  The LARPing group plays WAY crazier games than Mike is used to, but he could really get used to in-character Never Have I Ever if it always ends with stuff like this.  WOW.  Sex is GREAT.

Loaded Up And Truckin’ by RaccoonDoom 

Gen, T+: Smokey And The Bandit AU–AKA Jacob has a truck and uses it to run illegal goods; Mike and Chuck run interference and keep the cops off his tail.  Trucker AU, heyyyy. :D

Love Free by Prim_the_Amazing 

Multi/Polyburners, G: KaneCo has the algorithms, the expertise, they determine the most perfect possible partner.  So what do you do when the person KaneCo chooses isn’t the person you wanted?

Never Quite Thought We Could Lose It All by LaughingStones

Mike/Chuck, Explicit: It’s not weird for a KaneCo tech to have a huge blank spot in their memory, but it is unusual for one of their childhood friends to show up at their cubicle dressed as a physical relief technician, looking stressed and desperate and acting like Chuck should know him.  Warning for implied/referenced noncon.

The Obligatory Fantasy AU series by LaughingStones 

Mike/Chuck, G/T: Chuck’s a Mage On A Mission, and he’s not going to be derailed by the fact that his bodyguard is definitely a dragon who definitely considers Chuck his beautiful, golden-haired treasure.

our guts can’t be reworked by roachpatrol

Mike/Julie, Chuck/Mike, T+: Mike finds out he’s bisexual in the most confusing possible way: BODY-SWITCHING.  

Pyrrhic Victory by Clementine

Mike/Chuck, G: I live for Mike and Chuck LARPing dramatic emotional scenes and being dumb, dorky boys and that’s what this is, and I LOVE it. 

Quiet by deanon

Mike/Chuck, Explicit:  Mike makes the mistake of wondering about Chuck and sex and being noisy, and get catapulted abruptly into terrible, flustered pining.

Quit or Retry by Caligraphunky

Gen, T+: a really short but really nicely done piece that slowly illuminates more and more of a single scene until you get the full picture.  fear. android Chuck.

Riding Shotgun by Oisiflaneur

Polyburners, T+: I’ve never smoked pot but I’m all for the Burners hanging around being chill and kissing and occasionally also Mike does shotguns and people make out.

rise if you’re sleeping (stay awake) by RaccoonDoom 

Gen, T+: Another cyborg fic, this time about Mike and Chuck and insomnia and nightmares.  Sweet hurt-comfort. UwU

Rule Number Eight by drown (teii) 

Chuck/Texas, Chuck->Mike, T+:  the fic that got me into Chuxas–starting with the aftermath of one-sided Chuck/Mike and chronicling Chuck’s descent into weird, Texas-related madness. 

Scars by corelton

Claire/Julie, G:  Julie’s line of work puts her in enough danger for her to actually have scars, like, old-fashioned scars from actual injuries.  Claire is fascinated by them.

searchlights in the parking lots of hell by roachpatrol

Gen, T+: I don’t know if it sounds like a compliment to say this is one of the most subtly, gorgeously horrifying fics I’ve ever read, but that’s basically how I feel.  Mike is a kid in a cyborg program, and he keeps ending up in sparring matches with the same kid, over and over again; it’s a different kind of unsettling every time.  There’s something about seeing a scenario that’s obviously intensely messed up, through the point of view of a character who thinks it’s normal and good.  It gives it a special, extra punch.  

Sex Level: Texas! by LaughingStones

Texas->Mike, Texas->Burners, Explicit: Texas has some totally cool and sexy thoughts–mostly about Mike.  WHAT?  It’s not like it's weird.   

Spend Life Fighting For Your Sanity by roachpatrol 

Dutch/Tennie, T+: Deluxe has no patience for rebel scum, free-thinkers or artists.  Unfortunately for Dutch’s continued health and well-being, he’s all of those things.  Even if he can’t really remember what he did.  AKA: Deluxe re-captures Dutch and comprehensively fucks him up, but SUCK IT you can’t take away the colors in his SOUL.  

Sprouts by renquise

Gen, G:  a fic about Dutch finding ROTH, and Dutch and Chuck becoming ROTH’s weird programmer dads.  ROTH is adorable and the characterization is great, A++ 

Test Drive by renquise 

Mike/Julie, Explicit: Julie and Mike have a fun adventure in pegging together. 

thursday’s child has far to go (and they go so very, very quickly) by thinkingCAPSLOCK

Gen, G:  Kane loses one child, but at least he still has the other.

Walls Twice As Strong by deanon

Mike/Chuck, T+:  in the words of the original summary: “When Mike and Chuck fight, everybody knows.“ 

We Are Golden by renquise

Polyburners, T+:  Mike kisses everybody, and it’s soft and good and makes my heart feel all happy. 

We Can’t Punch Good: A Love Story by heartsinhay

Dutch/Texas, T+: Texas is pretty sure Dutch has just gotten immune to Texas’s sweet Texas Moves, but that’s okay.  Texas has got more than one trick up his sleeve, and he knows what Dutch likes.  Probably

yellow highway lines (that you’re relying on to lead you home) by renquis

Gen, G:  A delicious exploration of the world that might exist outside the dome, and also THE BURNER ROADTRIP FIC YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR.  The kids take a package from Rayon and go on the road, headed for San Fran come hell or nuclear superstorm.This is one of the first Motorcity fics I read, and It’s a big part of why I started making things for this fandom in the first place. :D  Very recommend, A++

[callioope]

Tagged by @cassianserso & @jenniferjuni-per -- thanks you two!!! :) 

You’ve been tagged in the Star Wars Creator meme! Pick 1 - 10 works you’ve created (fic, art, gifsets, aesthetics, videos, playlists, etc) & tell us why you’re proud of them! Then tag your friends!

Ha, I only have 13 SW works on AO3 sooo 10 would almost much cover everything. I limited it to 8, and yes, ranked in order based on my current mood. 

What These Hands Can Hold: I haven’t really liked much of what I’ve written in the last three months, except for this. I have opinions on post-war Jyn & Cassian that I think about a lot, but haven’t actually explored as much in fic (it gets truncated in epilogues mostly), and this is sort of a result of that (a tip of the iceberg). This just flowed out in one of those magic writing moments, and I really like the writing.

if i wait (will you stay?): another fic that flowed out really naturally. At the time, I’d read a bunch of “Jyn and Cassian jump each other immediately” post-Scarif fics and I was sort of like “mmmmm do they tho? or do they pine forever?” Really I think it’s somewhere in the middle (I’m really fond of the idea of them being Totally Aware that Feelings Are Happening, but also taking their time, savoring it, and maybe a little floundering because “how? do? relationships??”). This particular fic turned out to be more slowburn than I expected... Well it’s as slowburn as I could make myself write. 

I’ll Find You in the Morning Sun: I take that back; THIS was as drawn out of a slowburn as I could make myself write! I am really fond of my writing in this one too; learned a lot about WWII that I never learned in school (as well as re-learned a few things). I wrote this while my dog was sick / passed away, and honestly even though it has nothing to do with the fic, I’ll still always associate her with it. The title, about missing someone, reaaally doesn’t help. So. This fic is kind of bittersweet to me but very important and close to my heart.

this is the way (we move): very fun to write, again another one where I’m proud of the writing. Features Rogue One as a family, which I really don’t write enough of. 

Whatever I Do (I Do It To Protect You): Lyra Lives!!! This was a big lesson in plot development (the bane of my existence). Also my first rebelcaptain fic!

when did you last let your heart decide?: Aladdin AU! Imperial Jyn! Wrote this for rebelcaptainprompts. I had a lot more in mind for this story that got cut to fit the deadline, but it was super fun to write.

5 Times Anakin’s Ghost Gave Unsolicited Parenting Advice: SO. MUCH. FLUFF. I wrote this right after The Force Awakens, it’s Rey Skywalker cuz that’s my jam, and it’s got ForceGhost!Anakin bonding with his son. In other words, it’s complete wish fulfillment. And I’m SO MAD that none of this is true. I mean. You know what. Headcanon. screw tlj

How to Ask a Rebel Out: my tropiest of fics. it’s very silly and i definitely see things I want to edit when I reread it, but it’s fun and fluffy. 

Tagging: @theputterer, @thenewleeland, @imsfire2, @rxbxlcaptain, @estherlyon, @sleepykalena, @grexigone, @incognitajones [Usual Disclaimer: Sorry if you were already tagged, no pressure if you don’t want to do it, & anyone else who wants to do it, please consider yourself tagged!!! Cuz I’d love to read what you have to say :) ]

[notthetoothfairy]

KLAINE ADVENT 2017: LoveSick (14/24)

Summary: Kurt has SCID and can’t leave his house. Ever. Luckily, Blaine moves in next door.

A/N: A fic?!?!?! Yes, my dears, after what feels like an eternity, I finally wrote a new thing. I was going to do just one prompt for @klaineadventbut - ha ha ha, and ho ho ho - never mind, I’m writing an entire story. And I’m late. Sorry about that!

The plot is loosely based on “Everything Everything”. Saw it on the plane, didn’t end up liking it all that much but I loooved the premise for Klaine, so here it is. :D It’s not all that realistic, sorry about that, but I tried to make it as accurate as possible!

Beta: @a-simple-rainbow (who’s surprised? not us - we’re basically fandom wives)

Read: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24

Read on: AO3 (to be added later)

NOSE

It’s the first time Blaine faces the door since October, and he’s glad he isn’t holding a bottle of wine this time around, lest he comes across as an alcoholic – that would probably not make him an attractive dating prospect for Burt’s son.

Burt and Carole are both there when he arrives, and he spots Kurt behind several glass doors, shifting from one foot to the other impatiently. Blaine waves hello and gets a small wave and a mouthed “hi” in return.

He leaves his shoes and jacket in the first room, puts on the clothes Carole hands him in a little changing room to the side, and makes his way to another room where he’s instructed by Carole to wash his hands with antibacterial soap.

Then they finally let him through the last two doors to get to Kurt. Blaine almost hits his nose on the second one because he can’t wait for it to slide open. Thankfully Burt and Carole are behind him, so Kurt’s the only one to see it, and he’s discreet enough to hide his chuckle behind his hand. Blaine’s embarrassed but the feeling is overpowered by the sudden yet familiar urge to hug the boy in front of him.

Any words he had prepared before going in die in his throat; he’s too overwhelmed to get them out. Two months of interaction with a changing number of windows between them – and now there’s only air. Kurt is right there in front of him.

“You okay, son?” Burt asks him. “You look like you’re about to throw up.”

“Dad, be nice,” Kurt warns before turning to Blaine with a soft, “Welcome, I’m glad you’re here.”

“M-me too,” Blaine gets out, still a bit choked up. He composes himself and adds, in Burt’s direction, “And if I have to throw up – which I don’t – I’ll use the extra bathroom that Kurt doesn’t have access to. I’ll excuse myself if I have to sneeze or something like that, and we’ll keep space between ourselves for minimal contact risks.”

“He read my detailed email!” Carole gushes. Blaine tries not to look to proud. “See, Burt, I told you he’s a keeper.”

“Why are you telling me, it’s not my decision,” Burt replies with a shrug. Blaine wonders if he’s imagining the almost-hidden grin. Then his face turns stern again. “Kurt, you know the rules, yeah?”

Kurt huffs. “Do you want me to recite the poem like Blaine or do you trust me without proof?” he teases.

“Ha ha ha. Don’t mock me for worrying.”

“I know the rules,” Kurt confirms, and winks at Blaine as he turns to the stairs. “Come on, I’ll show you my room.”

“Have fun!” Carole says sweetly as Blaine follows Kurt down the hall.

He can’t stop looking around. The house looks mostly empty, scarcely furnished, and exceptionally clean – of course, since Kurt has to live and survive in it. It’s a weird thought.

“Sorry about my dad,” Kurt says as they walk up the stairs. “He’s a bit of a weirdo.”

“It went a lot better than I thought it would,” Blaine admits.

“Yeah, good thing he didn’t see you walk into the last door nose first, though,” Kurt teases him as he comes to halt in front of an open door in the second-floor hallway. “You would not have lived that down.”

“Oh god.” Blaine facepalms. “That was… a bit of a weak moment.”

Kurt leans in slightly, making Blaine’s breath hitch, even though there’s still a fair amount of space between them.

“I was excited to see you, too,” he confesses in a whisper.

Blaine doesn’t even attempt to hide his smile.

“Well,” Kurt continues. “This is my room. You’ve seen it – sort of.”

“Never from this angle though,” Blaine says. “Wow. It’s huge.”

It’s true, the room is at least twice as big as Blaine’s room. The large window front makes it seem even bigger. Blaine’s bed is nothing compared to Kurt’s king sized one, and Kurt’s desk actually looks like it could belong in Miranda Priestly’s office. Blaine tells him as much and Kurt is delighted because, quote, “Comparison to Meryl Streep – continue talking and I might let you sit at it.”

Kurt gives him a tour of his walk-in closet – most of it is simple clothing as Blaine is wearing at the moment but there are a few extra things Kurt has begged his dad to buy for him, apparently, and of course also the few ones that Kurt designed on his own.

“What about this one?” Blaine asks, pointing at the asymmetrical sweater Kurt is wearing. “Did you design that one?”

“I wish!” Kurt says. “I’m not that talented – yet. I’ve only designed very simple stuff so far.”

“Well, you started, like, two months ago, right? These are very impressive already.”

Once Kurt is done showing him everything, he sits down on his bed. Blaine lingers in the open space between the door and Kurt’s desk, unsure of what to do.

“You can sit down,” Kurt says with a pointed look.

Blaine moves towards the desk but Kurt shakes his head.

“I was thinking here?” He pats the bed.

Blaine knows he looks conflicted, and he wishes he wouldn’t, or wouldn’t have to.

“It’s okay if we sit far enough apart,” Kurt says.

“Are you sure?” Blaine asks. Carole’s email didn’t include anything about sitting on Kurt’s furniture.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Kurt says, rolling his eyes. “I’ll feel awkward if you stand the whole time.”

As soon as he’s seated, they embark on different topics from the newest Vogue issue to juicy celebrity gossip, and time – as always with Kurt – flies. Blaine makes sure to leave space between them even as they move to lie down, Kurt on the left side, Blaine on the right side of the bed, facing each other.

“So, how’s McKinley?” Kurt asks. “Still the hell hole you described?”

“More or less.” Blaine shrugs. “A few of the football guys are making me their new target, I think.”

“What?” Kurt frowns. “Why?”

“Well, they know I’m gay for one. Not that it’s a secret or anything. And also… well, they kinda know about you.” Kurt raises his eyebrows, and Blaine’s quick to say, “Not that I’m, like, telling everyone about you, and it’s not you specifically they know about, they just saw my date plans in my notebook and, well, things went downhill from there.”

Kurt blinks a few times. “Uh, okay… I mean, not okay. Obviously. I don’t want you to be bullied because of me.” He grimaces, then bites his lip. “But I like the part about the date plans.”

“They haven’t really done anything. They throw me dirty looks but that’s it. I haven’t even been slushied.” Blaine smiles. “And I like the date plans, too, if I do say so myself.”

“Should I ask Finn to tell them to lay off?”

“No. That would probably make it worse.”

“Alright…” Kurt pauses. “Promise you tell me if it gets worse?”

“Of course.” Blaine nods, and holds his fingers up to do a pinky promise by himself. “I swear.”

“I wish I was there with you to tell them off. I have a few good comebacks up my sleeve.”

Blaine laughs. “I bet.” He looks up to the ceiling. “How’s doing school stuff all by yourself? Is it as peaceful as I imagine?”

“Ah, well, depends on the virtual classroom.” Kurt sighs. “Some lessons are more private, others have a ton of annoying people in them. I’ve only ever really enjoyed French and Music, to be honest. And the extra classes I take, like designing and private singing lessons.” He props himself up on his elbow. “Oh, and I took a composing class, you might have liked that.”

“Really?” Blaine asks, excited. He told Kurt before that he’s thinking of making composing his minor in college if he gets into any music schools. “Did you compose something, too?”

“Eh, just basic stuff.” Kurt waves it off. “But I did have this idea for a Broadway show… I’ve got the plot, anyway. I want it to be a musical about kids like me. If you ever make it in composing, you should help me out.” He grins at Blaine. “I’m calling it ‘Soothing Chords in Daydreams’.”

“Why that title?”

“Abbreviate it.”

“S. C. – oh! I see what you did there.” Blaine laughs. “That’s clever.”

Kurt beams. “Thanks.”

“I’ll totally write the music for you if I ever advance to that level of skills in composing,” Blaine promises.

“I’m sure you will. It wasn’t that hard, I just didn’t really have the patience for it, I guess.”

Blaine shakes his head in wonder. “You’re 17 and have a fully-fledged story for a musical, you design your own clothes and you don’t think composing is ‘that hard,’” he says, using air quotes. Only half-joking, he asks, “Is there anything you can’t do?”

“Yeah,” Kurt answers. “Go outside.”

Blaine closes his eyes. Foolish thing to say, of course. “Touché.”

He feels the bed dip a little and his eyes fly open as Kurt scooches close. Face only inches from Blaine’s, their noses almost touching, he mumbles, “Or kiss you.”

Blaine tries to lie completely still, daring every muscle in his body not to move, because if he does, he is most definitely going to lose control and kiss Kurt senseless. Kurt’s way too close already. He stares at Kurt’s lips, wondering what they’d taste like.

“Kurt,” he finally gets out. “You can’t say that.”

“Sorry,” Kurt whispers. “Words are all I have in this scenario.”

Blaine backs away a little, still scared to accidentally make a move he’ll regret. Kurt looks a bit taken aback, so he wills himself to be as open about it as Kurt.

“For the record, I want to kiss you, too.”

The frown disappears from Kurt’s face. All that’s left is a bittersweet mixture of a smile and sad, endlessly blue eyes.

“Good to know,” Kurt says. “Even if it’ll never be enough.”