#a team selling their good players for picks is not bad its literally how the deadline is supposed to function

[erikkarlsson]

to all the sports “writers” mad that sharks winning the lottery proves that “tanking works,” i regret to inform you that this team actually tried very hard to win every game. they just suck.

[sergeifyodorov]

would u do a little analysis of how each team has done so far this season … i trust ur opinions so much

EACH team okay... under the cut bc i am not subjecting the masses to 32 nasty little thots cody edition

Bruins: RIP patrice of course but the bruins are steamrolling as ever... i think that if there is any evidence of the universe simply not caring abt good things it is that the bruins slip and stumble and have some of their best players retired and still manage to put up a 50 win season every year. <- salty leafs fan but ANYHWAY the bruins are easily a Playoff Team. simply "there" 5v5, strong power play, they make their money off finishing (pastrnak you filthy animal) and goaltending (swaymark you filthy animals). they have been trending downwards of late so i'm not entirely sure of like their final standings place but with this kind of head start they're staying up.

Sabres: currently in what we the people call a "decade of darkness." might be a "two decades of darkness" if we're going to be honest. the active player with the most playoff points with the sabres is tyler myers. 7 points. yeah the tall one most famous for having a subreddit that posts the gamescore card every time he's on the bottom of the gamescore card. sabres are really hard to fix because their first real step to contention is "hoping devon levi turns out really good." not promising. bad enough that by selling a piece or two celebrini is in sight. maybe that'll help? a third 1OA?

Red Wings: presenting the mid-season Season Ruining Unforced Error Award early by saying: not that they were going to be as good as their first few games of sniping suggested, but signing patrick kane tanked any realistic hope they have of playoffs. is patrick kane good? he's actually alright. maybe this time the surgery worked. is the team made better by having him on it? it surely isn't! a few REALLY BADLY TIMED dylan larkin based misfortunes have made it go from bad to worse. they were in A2 like a month ago and now they're Out. strengths: finishing. weaknesses: everything else, including morale.

Panthers: okay you've probably clocked this by now but ive been Generally Salty so far and that is bc a) im easily tempted to haterhood and b) currently discussing each team in the atlantic which does nothing to make me less Tempted To Haterhood. that being said the panthers are Good and For Real About It. they can do everything except finish chances, which is fine when the other team has way fewer chances than you and your goalie doesn't let any of them in. fuck ALLL the way off. place your bets on these guys having a deep playoff run. cross your fingers for them not having a deep playoff run i can't stand chuckyposting again it's RAN ITS COURSE. (also: machuk is probably still injured and absolutely Not doing as well as he did the last few seasons. maybe because he's just not that kind of guy but it's probably at least mostly the broken chest thing)

Canadiens: they are bad EXCEPT when it comes to overtime + the shootout. also much like the sabres they're going nowhere fast. i expect at least one of their goalies to be gone at the deadline... furthermore i think ppl who are ragging on slaf's slow development are simply expecting all 1OAs to be like an auston or a connor type (pick your connor) where they come in and immediately adapt -- slaf rings very reminiscent of quinton byfield to me, who was picked 2OA in 2020 and is only now starting to break out. give him time he's a baby...

Senators: despite how much literally everyone talks up all their players constantly, they are not good either. like the sabres or the habs... atlantic is 4 teams in the genuine hunt, 3 teams who suck and have sucked forever and will suck forevermore, and the red wings who haven't made up their minds yet. the sens actually Do have a singular Biggest Problem though and that's goaltending, but they're not a good enough team otherwise that getting a quality goaltender is going to make them playoffs worthy, especially not in the very short (this-season) run.

Lightning: the lightning are weird to me because like i think they're still making up their mind as A People what they want to do. kucherov is the best player in the league rn, this is stamkos' ufa season and he hasn't been offered an extension, vasilevskiy is back and vasying his levskiy... i fully believe they have the capability of getting a playoff spot, maybe even A3 if they want. we've all seen them in the playoffs, we know how they can turn ~It~ on at will. as always they're a deeply mid 5v5 team powered by very strong special teams... the goaltending numbers say goaltending is shit but they've been playing in front of the genuinely unplayable jonas johansson most of the season so i think it'll be fine.

Maple Leafs: as the team ive watched the moast i can talk about these guys for evar so for all of our sanities i will be brief: Auston Matthews, Baby, Look At Him, That's Auston, Auston Motherfucking "Sexy Mustached Bitch" Matthews!!!!!!! powered by an extremely strong power play and very good offence, and defence and goaltending that is held together by Morgan Rielly and a dream. possibly the only reason they're in a playoff spot is the fact that martin jones didn't get claimed on waivers three months ago and i am being dead serious about that. for some reason they're at their best when they're down by two. they do really need both their #1 goalie to come back from injury and to make a splash for a genuine nhl-calibre defenceman, but they're stubbornly determined to win games even through nasty flu.

Hurricanes: their usual selves -- analytics darlings, can't buy a goal. this year they can't buy a save either -- Freddie is out with a medical condition, Raanta is straight up not good, and Kochetkov is... well, he's Kochetkov. they're not far out of a spot but they'll need a hot hand if they want to get comfy... which i don't expect, frankly. they're good enough to make the playoffs, but they're not really a team that goes on heaters, so they'll be bubble until the end.

Blue Jackets: genuinely not sure they know what they're doing like... okay. from an outside pov they are obviously Tanking. they're bad in every way that matters except for finishing and the standings show it. but also like... they're at the point in their development cycle where they shouldn't be tanking... or at least are on the verge of Shouldn't Be Tanking. and again, because they don't know what they're doing, they hired mike babcock for this... if they know what they're doing they'll toss kekalainen as soon as they can and, following this year's draft, start Fighting. but let's be real i doubt that. adam fantilli it's your time to shine... sorry sweetheart!

Devils: see Hurricanes. Great on paper, can't buy a save. They've obviously been stunted by Timo, J'accuse, and Nico all being injured at various points, but goaltending is their biggest and most solvable problem. Unlike the Hurricanes, though, the Devils are fully capable of going on a heater, so the gap between them and WC2 isn't as big as it looks (probably.) Luke Hughes is going to be something special.

Rangers: Looks like Lafreniere is finally getting his feet under him -- but the Rangers have always been far more about getting old, known players to get a second wind with them than they've been about prospect development, and Quick and Wheeler are both showing this pretty definitively. Another one of those teams that's run by special teams and finishing/goaltending. Easy playoff spot, likely solid run. Nothing too interesting here.

Islanders: On the other hand, the Isles are interesting because... like... how did they get There? They have a negative goal differential, for heaven's sake! Their special teams are godawful, their defence is a sieve, they blow leads like that's what actually gets you points in this league, and they're somehow second in the Metropolitan??????? Is it Horvat? Barzal? Sorokin? (It's probably Sorokin.) They'll make the playoffs but i doubt they'll succeed in them.

Flyers: This one's also weird. They have the power play and offence of a peewee team in the big leagues, but have become defensively Actually Super Competent and are somehow good because of this? I'm going to theorize -- because you've asked me to but also because I really want to -- that this is due, at least in part, to somewhat of an inverse Kane-on-the-Red-Wings effect from their offseason removal of Provorov and DeAngelo; without them, the team is now not only better defensively on paper but also better as a team in the locker room. They're [uncle voice] playing with heart now! I doubt they're a real contender, but I think they might actually make playoffs.

Penguins: ...this one's also weird. They're good on paper. Like, really good on paper? Defensively "just okay" but offensively great, goaltending is fantastic, special teams are shutdown. They just can't buy a goal and they can't buy a good sequence.

Capitals: This one's weird, too, but in the opposite way -- aside from the power-play, the Caps are actually godawful on paper, especially when it comes to finishing (because when Ovechkin takes such a high percentage of your shots but he isn't scoring, your team REALLY suffers) but somehow they've managed to pinpoint sequencing luck (win close, lose ugly) and are somehow in WC1. Do I think they'll make the playoffs? Absolutely not -- if either the Devils or Canes step up, the Caps are the odd man out -- but it might be fun to see them try. Or hell, I hope they win-close-lose-ugly their way to a goddamn Cup final. Would be funny as fuck for Ovi's second-longest ever playoff run to come at the fresh young age of thirty-eight. Dude looks ragged out there. I'm going to shut up now before I start talking about finding him sexy

Coyotes: Simple on paper: bad at running play, good goaltending and finishing. Essentially what the Canucks are doing at a smaller scale. The Leafs should never have let Kerfoot walk and I mean that unironically. Okay, anyway, the Yotes are a bubble team and won't make higher than WC1 because of the logjam at the top of the Central, but holy fuck do I want them to make WC1 (or a playoff spot in general.) People ask "how can we grow the game" a lot, and when it comes to what the NHL can do directly, the number one biggest thing is win in small markets. Arizona has already created one of the sports' biggest stars -- Auston! -- and it's an absolutely massive TV market and a potential hotbed of new fans and new, great players. Arizona making a playoff spot -- or even better, going on a run -- would be amazing for the NHL. And it would be funny. And I would like that.

Blackhawks: shoutout to dave !!! dave who works for the hawks!!! anyway the hawks are very obviously tanking and good at it. Their only real point of interest is their Sacred Child, and holy fuck is their Sacred Child going to absolutely fucking smash it when he's given a team that's not entirely made up of scrubs. i think his analytics, especially his defensive numbers, are, like, fine? but accounting for his leverage (all situations, especially the difficult ones), his teammates (his best linemate is Anthony Beauvillier, and tito... is a third liner), and the fact that he's all of eighteen, he's definitely on track to be a Real Force. i kinda love him... okay moving on.

Avalanche: All-over good: finishing their biggest obvious strength, but hockeywise they don't have any real weaknesses... although there is some serious Drama brewing in that locker room and i think it might just be getting started. with landeskog gone for at least until the end of this year (and possibly forever) and ej a sabre, there is absolutely no one in there capable of actually emotionally running a team: makar lacking in a leader's magnetism, rantanen an idiot, toews and mackinnon far too high-strung and competitive, and no one else with seniority. they're a good enough team that it's not really affecting them right now, but ... i don't know, i can kind of feel it coming. They'll make the playoffs, but when the pressure is on they'll either step up or completely fall apart.

Stars: See above: all-over good, but saving their biggest obvious weakness. I think most of this is spurred by Otter being out -- Wedgewood is a serviceable backup goaltender, but obviously not capable of being a real starter, and the team is stuttering because of it. I doubt it'll be for long or too much difficulty (they're a good defensive team, so it's not going to affect them a lot, but they might lose a game or two they might have won with Otter, especially if he's out for a while), but it's going to keep them from taking a step on top of the Central. Easy playoff team, probable contender.

Wild: They are bad! Penalty kill is their worst weakness, but they're not great in goal either and the combination is kicking their ass. As much as I respect how well they've done with that giant cap-space penalty from the Parise/Suter buyouts all those years ago, it's... kind of time to throw in the towel. Get Flower those final few wins, because by god are they devoid of much other success. Right at the tail of a competitive arc. RIP. Tank incoming.

Predators: Weirdly good, even though Saros hasn't been his usual self? O'Reilly esp has been an absolutely fantastic addition for the team over the offseason. No huge strengths, no significant weaknesses. Not an amazing offensive team, but it's Nashville so they were never going to be -- the place practically breeds defensive forwards and all-around dmen. I don't expect they'll seriously contend, but they'll make the playoffs (unless someone offers the farm for Saros).

Blues: I genuinely think so little about the Blues .... that whole thing with Jordan Kyrou has been the most I've thought about them for a bit. That and the fact that only three of their games haven't been decided by the first goal? They're not good and they're really boring. Yeehaw.

Jets: THE JETS let's get JUICY. Jets' biggest strengths by far are a) 5v5 defence and b) finishing/goaltending. Even with Kyle Connor out they're sniping and Hellebuyck and Brossoit are both absolutely on it. The Jets have always seemed to have this problem where on paper (take a shot every time I've written "on paper" in this post if you want to die of alcohol poisoning) they seem fantastic, then January onwards they absolutely plummet. And it's not January yet, so that might still happen, but that kind of thing tends to happen because of a dramatic morale shift, and now that Lowry's captain and Wheeler's left for New York... that might not happen? They've banked enough points that unless they're historically bad from here on out they're still a playoff team. If they keep up what they have going so far, they're a contender, but if it's the same Winnipeg with the same problems, then they're not.

Ducks: Taking a step in the right direction with Carlsson and Mintyukov, but still bad! I really hope Carlsson recovers well, he seems like a sweet boy. Also: what on Earth are they doing with Zegras. Is he a defenceman now? Are they making him play defence? Are he and Dixie D'Amelio still dating? I have many questions. I just hope whichever high draft pick they get is an idiot. I feel like they need another dumbass baby on the team.

Flames: The Flames also appear to have no idea what's going on. And frankly, neither do I! They're too good to be obviously tanking, but not near good enough to be a bubble team. They're definitely reluctant to sell, but their best hope to win soon absolutely should be selling. They have one of the worst contracts in the league on their payroll (wow... I hope the guy in charge of my favourite team didn't sign that!) and a bunch of really solid late-round picks and prospects cutting their teeth on the NHL. In short: they aren't going to make the playoffs and should be leaning into that, but they don't seem to have realized this yet.

Oilers: For the sake of not gloating, I'm going to sum this one up with a Marek quote: If you have a goalie, it's 70% of your team. If you don't, it's 100%. They've had finishing trouble, but considering they absolutely run the show at 5v5 AND special teams (they put nearly SIXTY SHOTS on Vasilevskiy the other day) a little finishing shouldn't be quite so dangerous if they didn't have two sieves minding the net. McDavid might hit 150 again and the Oil might still miss the playoffs. If they get in, they're going far, but at this point it'll be tough as fuck to make it in.

Kings: Average penalty kill. No other weaknesses. Kopitar 4 Selke.

Sharks: This is an absolutely glorious tankjob. No other way to put it. This is the pinnacle of tank design. This is the Wayne Gretzky of tankjobs. This is the Casablanca of tankjobs. This is the Saturn V of tankjobs. Nothing has been so beautifully engineered to suck since Sir James Dyson patented his vacuum or Nancy Reagan walked the earth. It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. I am in awe. They deserve Celebrini purely because of how flawless the tank is. I don't care if he has a warm undertone and would look pink in that fantastic teal. The boy needs San Jose.

Kraken: Good defensively at 5v5, bad pretty much everywhere else. I'm going to be honest with you all, last year was kind of a flash in the pan -- Seattle isn't great and they're neither headed upwards nor downwards. Not a bubble team, probably won't pick top ten. They haven't decided whether or not to build up or tank. Beyond the fantastic aesthetics and four-unranked-lines shtick, they don't really have a whole lot of competitive mojo: no star forwards, no goaltending. Wholeheartedly mid.

Canucks: oH BABY!!!!! The 23-24 Canucks made us all learn what PDO is. The 23-24 Canucks are first in the motherfucking league after being one spot out of being in the Bedard lottery. The 23-24 Canucks are on track to have the best shooting and saving percentage in league history. The 23-24 Canucks' leading goalscorer is Brock Boeser, the guy they've almost traded practically every year since they drafted him. The 23-24 Canucks started the season by naming the Wettest Little Man On The Planet captain and they haven't looked back since. I think they're an easy lock for a playoff spot -- but within the playoffs, do I know what they're going to do? I absolutely do not. They could PDO their way to a Cup or they could bow out in four games flat. Either is equally likely. They have thoroughly embraced Good Chaos. Quinn Hughes might win the Hart. Everything's coming up Vancouver.

Golden Knights: Not as good as they were last year. Ultimately still pretty good. Easy playoff spot. Definite contender. Jack Eichel is better than ever and I love him for it, the dickhead.

[queenelizabethslefttata]

radom haikyuu karasuno hcs:

my brain is rotting please help

asahi cant fucking read aloud cause he gets nervous

he also is the kid who left sweaty hand prints on the science lab tables

suga smokes and you cant convince me otherwise

he drags the rest of the third years and some second years

tanaka has definantly met god while drinking too much bang energy

noya was already gone when it happened

daichi is the type of person to chew on pencil erasers and pen caps

hinata ate crayons as a kid

tssukki and yams have sleepovers and tssukki makes yams sleep on the floor

yams literally doesnt mind he loves tssuki

asahi drives a kia soul

noya and tanaka alsways asks for rides because their scared to ride with saeko

kagyama would love the try guys idk why but he would

coach ukai is bad at math

suga and daichi bully asahi by like doing that tongue thing ya know what couples do and asahi absolutely hates it

he’s like “cmon guys plz stop”

kiyoko has punched many pervy teenage boys because they made yachi uncomfortable

yachi lobes caterpillars

kagsyama and hinata also have sleepovers they just dont like to admit it

tssuki and yams fucking love the movie shrek

suga love halloween and valentines day

moya drinks blueberry redbull and cotton candy bang most of the time

asahi always has to remind him to drink water

ennoshita goes to bed super late, not because he cant he just doesnt get really tired unless after a hard match or practice

asahi really enjoys synthwave

hinata is such a purple person

yamaguchi knows how to sue and so does kiyoko

yachi sometimes reads with asahi in the library

thats after she got used to him and realized he was a big softie

kageyama hates olives

hinata loves olives

they coexist

tekeda sensai has smoked before and shocked ukai whenever they shared a cigarette one day after practice

suga wont sell to the first years but will to the second years

suga’s smoke circle includes: daichi(duh), kiyoko, ennoshita, asahi (he doesnt like smoking but likes brownies and edibles n shit like that), noya, and kinoshita

asahi cant handle smoking, poor baby coughs too much and he feels nausues from it

hinata loves chocolate milk lol

kageyama sings in the shower

ennoshita has braces i feel it in my bones he does

so does yams and kinoshita

asahi had braces his first year and half of his second

daichi is a literal gym rat

kiyoko was on the track team

tanaka is actually a really good cook but only noya knows

tsukki has an annonomus instagram account and people will send their confessions to him and he posts their confession for the drama

the only person who knows its him is yams of course

tsukki’s mother adores tadashi so much that she includes him in holidays

coach ukai wears socks and sandals

daichi does too but with like old crusty slides

noya lives the fuck out of dairy queen

noya whenever he rides with asahi, he leaves trash literally everywhere and asahi will leave it until noya rides with him again to make him pick it up

you cannot tell me asahi and noya are lowkey assholes to each other

asahi is such an office aide type of person

daichi likes american country music and sometimes plays it in the car

kageyama is scared of clowns

daichi has hit everyone player on the karasuno team at least two times separately

suga has been hit the most

scratch that asahi has because suga and daichi just beat the fuck outa him sometimes

asahi actually enjoys working out on his own time and if they had it, would join the powerlifting team

and football

noya gives off feral theatre kid energy

tanaka too but tech kid vibes too

ennoshita is 10000000% done with everyones bullshit

ukai has a lil yeti cup that says “this is my coaching glass” and its filled with vodka and cheap conveient store soda

tekeda has those glasses wires that you can wear as a necklace

yachi is really good at braiding hair

hinata works at chuckee cheese

[ambivalent-anarchy]

The Spidey Squad Playing Among Us

Masterlist

Welp, this game is all the rave all of a sudden and irdk how since the game's pretty much been here forever lol but it's still fun so I had to jump on the bandwagon and here we are! Make sure you check go out @chaoticpete's new fic. Anyways here it is! If this gets enough likes I might do an avengers headcanon too.

Thanks to @angelsparkers for helping me realize I wasn't writing complete garbage and helping me to get through it even though she didn't even know she was doing that. So yeah thanks for that.

Peter

Crewmate: Peter is that crewmate that will 100% call you out on your bs, because he knows the game a little too well for you to be able to pull anything over him(because of all that free time waiting on patrol). You think all that stuff with the avengers didn't teach him strategy? Ha! This guy is PEAK detective. Gets his tasks done fast and when he's done is probably spending his time monitoring people on security or vitals. It only took him like 2 weeks to memorize all the maps and where everything is, so if you say you were in navigation, you better believe he's gonna ask you what task you were doing there. And if you don't answer to his liking, Peter will sound the "sus" alarm on you in two point five seconds and have everyone voting you out. He's probably the only person that could figure out MJ when she's the impostor. So if you're the impostor, watch your words and make sure your alibis are strong cuz little Petey ain't playin' no games. Definitely gets attacked from time to time by those people that are always like "sMaRt PpL rUiN tHe GaMe"

Impostor: He's pretty much the most average impostor. Sometimes he doesn't know what to say when people call him sus and he'll get voted out because he's being "too quiet" or because Ned keeps defending him. He'll mess up every now and then but for the most part, he's pretty decent. His style is usually to stay in the vents most of the game and kill when only one person's around. He probably bribes Ned to not rat him out by promising him that he won't kill him.

Name: It used to be just Peter, but soon he wanted an actual cool name so he chose Sherlock because of all the times when he was "too smart" and won the game too quickly and people would go "pack it up Sherlock" and vote him out.

Favorite color to be: It used to be red, but he quickly found that the more he was red the more people found him "sus" so now he's usually either blue or cyan

Ned

Crewmate: Pretty average crewmate. 80% of the time is covering for Peter, even if Peter is the impostor. Won't do much calling people out unless he's absolutely sure that he saw a kill or vent. Pretty chill and easily persuadable. You'd definitely want him on your team. If he ever gets wrongfully ejected he's the one that pitifully tries to plead his case saying stuff like "what???" and "guys it's not me!!!!" which doesn't really convince anyone and just makes him look more guilty. He'll still do his tasks after though.

Impostor: He's the impostor that doesn't want to be the impostor. If you're texting then maybe he can hold his own, but if you're doing voice chats, there's no way this guy is getting past ANYONE. He has so many tells that it's ridiculous. Is actually scared to vent too much because he's always paranoid that someone's gonna be right there when he jumps out. 8/10 the crewmates win when he's the imposter because he'll just kill like only two people the entire time or gets caught really early on.

Name: Probably some sci-fi reference like r2d2 or Potter

Favorite color to be: Yellow or white because he says those are the most "innocent" colors and he'll be less likely to get voted if he's those (not true but we'll let him believe it)

MJ

Crewmate: Suspicion times 100. Her motto: trust no one. Will get you kicked out in a heartbeat with a quick "trust me. if it's not them vote me next." An absolute unit but will never be caught getting emotional over a game. If she's ever wrongfully ejected her last words will be "whatever. go ahead. vote me and lose." She'll just come back in the next game with a vengeance and false accusations ready, not caring if the entire team loses because of it. She's especially dangerous to have because people usually trust her word. She always finds a way to seem the least suspicious. Though sometimes she'll get suspected because of her quiet nature. There's always that one guy that's ready to go "uR qUiEt ThAt'S sUs!!"

Impostor: If MJ is the impostor, you can just throw your whole phone away. You're not winning that game. Like, ever. She will do whatever it takes to win, even sell out her own her partner. On the off chance that you catch her being suspicious, she'll sabotage a bunch of things so that you can't call meetings and then she'll kill you when no one's around. She is ruthless and will hurt your feelings with the way that she will own everyone in the game. Hardly anyone ever expects her. Thrives on venting. You won't see her you'll just be doing a task and suddenly you'll be dead.

Name: Used to be just MJ but she got annoyed with all the people in the messages who always assumed she meant Michael Jackson or Michael Jordan so she changed it to Michelle

Favorite color to be: She literally doesn't care either way. Won't change the gameplay so why bother? Whatever color she ends up with she'll be fine.

Betty

Crewmate & Impostor: The most average player of them all. She wins some, she loses some. Nice partner to have though, because she'll never give you away. Probably the first to die most times. If she ever gets wrongfully ejected she's the one that uses her last words to say who she thinks it and doesn't even try to plead her case once it starts to look bad for her. She just finished the rest of her tasks.

Name: Probably either her name or some nickname or inside joke. Idk she just seems like the type of person to have a reference to something that absolutely nobody knows

Favorite color to be: Pink. Just because she likes pink.

Flash

Crewmate: Claims things are sus even if they aren't. Will totally be biased based on names. Anybody who knows him will never count him as a credible source. Gets voted out quickly alot because of how annoying he is in the game.

Impostor: He's the easiest to figure out. He's the impostor that obnoxiously accuses literally everyone else. And in all capital letters too. "ITS RED I STG. IF IT'S NOT HIM VOTE ME NEXT!" Calls everyone sus and always claims he's seen people running from the body. He usually self-reports and goes for the easy marks in electrical. He's not that good (even though he thinks he is) and it takes anyone with a brain to figure him out. Peter and MJ are bane of his existence in that game. If he gets wrongfully ejected he'll rage and probably leave the game like the little crybaby he is.

Name: Spideys#1 because he's really just THAT obsessed. Or when he's really feeling "teenage boy" he'll be cOchieman

Favorite color to be: Red because sPiDeRmAn'S hIs BeSt FrIeNd (ahahaha if only he knew)

May

She didn't know this game at all until Peter introduced her to it one day because he was bored. She LOVED it. He had to pry it out of her hands after she kept repeating "Hold on, one more!" So she downloaded on her phone and now she plays it whenever she's bored.

Crewmate: Average. Same as Betty.

Impostor: The way May can actually dominate being the impostor is sort of scary. And she'd always be the last person you'd expect because she just has that trusting vibe about her. Sometimes she'll mess up and give herself away, but for the most part, she's pretty good. Doesn't vent much. Just like Ned, she doesn't trust it.

Name: Madonna

Favorite color to be: She doesn't care much but she prefers to be purple, cyan, or orange

Funny Moment

《Peter calls an emergency meeting 10 seconds into the game》

- Michelle: what

- Betty: what

- Michelle: skip

- r2d2: bro already?

- Sherlock: okay everyone just listen

- k0chieman: bruh

- Michelle: okay listen to what

- Sherlock: flash what task are you doing

- Betty: alright were listening

- k0chieman: the divert thingy in navi

- r2d2: pete what is this

- Sherlock: yeah dude that diverty thingy is the second of two steps

- Sherlock: u never did the first

- Sherlock: which means ur an impostor faking

- Michelle: flash?

- k0chieman: no

- k0chieman: i did do it

- r2d2: the times low we gotta decide guys

- Sherlock: if you did it wouldve taken you 12-15 seconds to get there and were not that far in the game

- Sherlock: u cant already be doing it

- Sherlock: everybody vote flash

- r2d2: petes on x games mode

- Michelle: damn dude

- k0chieman: wtf parker

- Sherlock: bye dude

- Sherlock: worlds greatest detective strikes again

- Michelle: okay calm down pete

《couple seconds later》

. 　　　。　　　　•　 　ﾟ　　。 　　.

　　　.　　　 　　.　　　　　。　　 。　. 　

.　　 。　　　　　 ඞ 。 . 　　 • 　　　　•

　　ﾟ　　 Flash was An Impostor.　 。　.

　　'　　　 1 Impostor remains 　 　　。

　　ﾟ　　　.　　　. ,　　　　.　 .

Best Imposter Combos

Peter & Ned: Goes without saying. Nine times out of ten they're in the same room while playing this so they can just talk strategy to each other and take everyone out really quickly. Really annoying for everybody else, but they'll win so they're happy.

MJ & Peter: These two together are a force to be reckoned with. The second they see that they're both impostors they call each other up and get to business like they're on a mission. This stuff is serious. (More for Peter than MJ. She has to keep telling him that it's just a game.) He stays on security stuff, telling her when it's safe, and she racks up the kills. When things get heavy, they sabotage and then go on a spree. These two hardly ever lose. (When the whole squad is together whoever's in charge [if it's not Pete or MJ] usually puts the kill cooldown at max just in case these two get that they can't be at full power)

MJ & Betty: Betty isn't afraid to sacrifice herself so that they'll win and MJ is ruthless and quick with her kills. Both have the smarts to be able to be extremely persuasive and you'd hate for them to pick you to frame. Because being put against those two in the chatroom will lead you nowhere but abyss of space.

May & Peter: Parkers united. 'Nough said.

Tagging: @spideyyeet, @soft-petey, @spidey-reids-2003, @spidey-boy-89, @sovereignparker, @bubblebucky, @underoosjae

[goodproofingwater]

Chapter 16 | Tinder Tommy

Words: 1953 Notes: hello my lovelies, i am so sorry that this has taken so long - i feel like this has literally been months and you deserve better! lots of shit has been happening in my life which has meant that i haven’t really had the focus to do anything but watch brooklyn 99 or peaky blinders for the 500th time, but ya girl is back for now! I hope that you are all still with me and are looking forward to seeing how Tommy works with his new found affection! This chapter pairs directly with @idesiretomhardy​‘s Mr Solomons story (in that the dialogue is the same in parts, and the timelines are the same. These stories exist in the same universe. Enjoy!

Taglist (just send me a message if you would like to be added):

@a-dorky-book-keeper @ishoutmarcoandyoushout @idesiretomhardy @theamuz @blinderscaps @peakywriting @justanothershelby @contemporary-mary @auroravipers @moonyscardigans @peakysxshelby @miss-shelby-barnes @vintage-fantasyyy @ly—canthrope @morgan-1830 @i-love-you-green @l0tsofpennies @exploringmycosmicsoul @maah-chan @peakyblindersengland

The journey to Birmingham was almost pleasant. The first class ticket his assistant had scored him came with whiskey and although he couldn’t smoke, the journey was so seamless that he was only craving a cigarette when he stepped into the fresh air of Birmingham new street.

It had always amazed him in the way it only could a local to Birmingham that he could get to between the London office and the place it had all began in a matter of hours. He remembered when he had to call a car to get to the London office when it just started up, when the trains were so shit that he had to rely on his own mileage to get there. But so much had changed since then. He had changed since then.

Tommy Shelby crawled into Small Heath four hours after he had reluctantly left his home in Mayfair, the staff he had in the midlands office a far cry from the suit wearing, polished people in Canary Wharf.

“Good afternoon Mr Shelby,” the receptionist spoke, smiling at him and looking toward the old knocked down wall which led to the rest of what they loosely called the Birmingham office.

The large room had once been three or four terrace houses but had long since been knocked through, a small platform allowed for John to stand by a massive touch screen where he was checking stock prices and the market which was much further from their legitimate business.

The business in the north was far different from the import and export business in the south, and far from legal.

Shelby Company Limited were the first company in history to produce software which allowed the significant players in import and export of illegal goods to check market price, and buy and sell illegal goods on a secure server which was entirely untraceable.

The software was a massive success, and had gained the Shelby name infamy with even the most brutal and violent drug cartels still operating in the 21st century.

“So what was so urgent that I had to get a train up here immediately?”

John stepped aside and showed him the spreadsheet he was working on, and pulled up the share prices for drugs so it sat next to it.

“By all accounts, the cocaine market is following the same pattern as it did 5 years ago”

John didn’t have to go into detail for Tommy to remember the influx of cocaine into the country via a rival London based company, and the price drop which followed due to supply heavily outweighing demand. It had been the main reason Tommy had set up the office in the south.

“Is it Kimber again? Because I swear to god—“

“Not Kimber. His company uses our software now and he called the support team thinking it was a fucking glitch in the system”

Tommy’s brow furrowed as he eyed the prices and the spreadsheet which showed the fluctuations John had been keeping track of since the incident so long ago.  

“And uh.. that’s not all” John spoke, gesturing for Tommy to follow him into his office and he did, taking a seat in one of the plush leather chairs which sat on the other side of Johns desk while his younger brother poured them whiskey and placed the glasses in front of them. “As well as the share prices I’ve been keeping track of the weight of the product coming in and going out. It’s been declining steadily for the last week. Not by much, not even enough to alert me at the start but it’s going down an ounce each time.”

“So you’re telling me someone is skimming off the top?” And John nodded, sipping his whiskey as he unintentionally mirrored Tommy’s posture, leaning back in his chair with one ankle resting on the other knee.

Tommy let out a sigh, hating that there was yet another issue that he had to deal with. External problems like share prices and supply and demand came with the territory. Internal problems were not something he had patience for.

“Any theories who it is?”

“You mean except Michael?” The malice in Johns voice was matched only by his expression, his hate and disdain for his cousin clear in everything from his brow to his clenched fingers around his glass.

Tommy responded only by rolling his eyes, Michael’s drug problem being something he was fully aware of.

“Michael pays for what he takes. And he pays double. Any real theories?”

John remained quiet, sipping his whiskey and allowing his silence to speak for itself.

“Fantastic.” Tommy sighed, downing his whiskey in one gulp and plucking a cigarette from the case he had pulled from his inside pocket. “Do we at least know which office?”

“Oh it’s definitely up here. The coke is lighter way before it even touches county lines”

Tommy lets out a sigh with the exhale of his cigarette, smoke billowing from his nose as the prospect of someone stealing and the punishment they deserve runs through his mind.

“Alright. I’ll speak to the managers up here separately and let them know what’s going on, ask them to keep an eye. I don’t want either of us up here if there’s a supply/demand problem in case we get raided. These people will get away with saying they were following orders, but we’re the fucking captains.”

John nods, sipping his whiskey and glancing out of the window, his mind clearly trying to puzzle out who it could be as Tommy did the same.

--

Later that evening, Tommy slipped into a bar in new street to wait for an old friend. One that he couldn’t quite believe was even stepping foot in the city.

The room seemed to part for Alfie Solomons, the very air around him bending as he walked into a bar Tommy had picked for its proximity to Alfie’s hotel. The older man was one of the few he would make allowances for, and it had been so long that he would rather take a private car the half an hour into central Birmingham than make the effort to convince him to come to small heath and listen to him complain the whole time.

“Thomas” his booming London accent turned the heads that weren’t already staring at Tommy, and he couldn’t help the bemused smile which washed over his features as he shook his hand and settled to drink his whiskey.

“Alfie, it’s been a while,” he speaks, sipping at his glass knowing full well which comment is coming next.

“Yeah well you don’t get to London as much these days,” He catches the bartender's attention, a woman who eyes up Tommy when she comes over to take his order, her eyes only leaving his friend to make Alfie’s drink.

“You could always come here,” Tommy suggests, causing Alfie to snort. His disdain for the northern city clear in both his response and his body language.

“Mate, the only reason I’m in this shit city is cause of that fucking meeting, couldn’t get me here any other way,” he comments, Tommy giving him a hint of a smile behind his glass which only widens as he watches his friend attempt to hide a selfie of all things which had made its way to his lock screen.

“So, how’s the family then?” Alfie asks.

“Arthur got married,” Tommy tries and fails to keep his distaste for Linda from his voice, and Alfie smirks as he relishes in the hate which is so evident to someone who is also quick to anger.  

“And I wasn’t invited? What’s she like?” He quips

“She’s good for Arthur,” is all Tommy says, the comments he could make about his brother’s new wife unsavoury at best.

It’s then that Alfie’s phone buzzes once again, and with a second glance at his lock screen Tommy can’t keep his comments to himself any longer.

“Who’s that then aye?” Tommy says, inclining his head towards Alfie’s phone. “Got yourself a girlfriend, have you?”

“Yeah mate, I have. She’s fucking brilliant she is,” Alfie says, rolling his eyes at the smirk that crosses his friend’s lips.

“You’re going soft Solomons.”

“Fuck off,” Alfie says, the smile which splits his face something that was a rarity, and the bashfulness something Tommy had never seen in him before. “She wrote that piece on me for The City Scoop.”

“I wondered why that interview was so flattering, fucked your interviewer did you?”

“Took her out to dinner first mate,” he says with a grin, making Tommy shake his head. “I’m telling you, it’s fucking nice having someone around who wil-“

“Suck your cock?”

“She is good at that mate. Nah I’m telling you, it’s nice having a woman around to keep me company,” he says, and Tommy rolls his eyes.

“Fuck, you have gone soft,” Tommy mutters, shaking his head.

“Maybe so. It ain’t that bad though. Maybe it’s time you find yourself a girl, might be good for you.”

Tommy rolls his eyes, downing the rest of his drink to avoid replying which only causes Alfie’s grin to spread wider his face lighting up.  

“Or do you already have a girl Thomas?”

“I’ve been talking with a woman yes,” he offers, though doesn’t elaborate as he orders another drink.

“Talking aye? And where did you meet her?”

“Tinder,” Tommy mutters, fingers itching to reach into his pocket for a cigarette the no-smoking laws the only thing stopping him.

Alfie scoffs, shaking his head as he runs a hand through his beard while Tommy glares at him.

“What?”

“Fucking tinder? Can’t meet a girl the old-fashioned way, aye?”

Tommy clenches his jaw at the insinuation, choosing not to rise to the comment as his hand reaches into his pocket, fingers brushing against his cigarette case.

“Like having a magazine send a journalist to your work? That old way you mean?” He runs the cigarette along his bottom lip and glares at the bartender who moves to tell him that he can’t smoke indoors, piercing eyes daring anyone to test him.

Tommy’s phone lights up and he immediately turns it face down, “besides, easier isn’t it? Haven’t got time to be spending on women in bars or journalists I need to write a good profile about me because I punched someone without thinking.”

The smirk on Tommy’s face tells Alfie that he’s joking, but the bearded man takes a sip of his beer without a hint of amusement washing over his features.

“Never knew Tommy Shelby to be so desperate that he’d turn to fucking Tinder.“ Tommy scowls and takes a long drag on his cigarette

“And I never knew Alfie Solomons to be so soft that he’d have his girl as the fucking wallpaper on his phone.”

Alfie shakes his head, hours flying before he finished what could have been his third or sixth drink, his hand resting on Tommy’s shoulder as he stood.

“I’ll be off now then,” he says, before leaning in to speak directly in Tommy’s ear. “And by the way mate, I was thinking before I punched Sabini.”

Patting Tommy’s shoulder, he makes his way out of the pub turning back to look at his friend.

“Nice seeing you mate, give me a call next time you’re in London.”

What Tommy has failed to tell his friend was that if things went well, he saw himself spending a lot more time in the capital. He suspected his friend might have something to say about his admission that he would want to spend more time away from his hometown, and he had won the battle of who was more whipped. At least for now.

[radramblog]

Star Wars Battlefront II (the good one)

My nonfunctional internet is preventing me not only from finishing off my essay, not only from watching the lecture that I would have shown up for were it not for mediary COVID restrictions, but it’s also stopping me from writing anything here that would require any sort of research or confirming details. That leaves me with less options that I would have thought.

Browsing through my Steam collection for ideas on what to talk about, and something jumped out at me pretty quickly.

Star Wars Battlefront II (the 2005 game, not Star Wars Battlefront 2, the sequel to the EA remake much maligned for malicious microtransactions) is a first/third person shooter that, while showing its age, remains one of the best games the franchise has ever put out. This is, of course, an opinion coming from someone who has yet to play Knights of the Old Republic, but it feels like Star Wars as a franchise has more misses than hits. So what makes this one land?

While I’m woefully unfamiliar with the early 00s shooters that Battlefront II was competing with (aside from Counter-Strike Source, but I’d argue that’s a different target market), I am extremely familiar with this one. I think part of why Battlefront II is so fondly remembered is on account of it being almost a gateway game for people getting into shooters in general- I for one played it extensively on my mate’s PS2 in primary school, and later on someone else’s PSP, and I doubt I would later have clicked so strongly with Halo if I hadn’t.

But what Battlefront II has more than anything else I feel is ambition. After the conclusion of the prequel trilogy, Star Wars’s universe was big, and the developers seemed interested in representing about as much of what we see of it’s style of warfare as they possibly could. As a result, the maps are a glorious smattering of worlds and terrains, loving and detailed recreations of places from the various films as well as a few that are probably new (I might just not remember them), each drizzled with vehicles and turrets and resources. Each of the game’s four factions share the basic units with very few differences (except for the Super Battle Droid), making them easy to understand and grasp for newer/younger players, with the complexity of each’s unique units paying off those willing to grapple with their weakness and play to their strengths. Some are definitely better than others, but that isn’t especially obvious at first. The basic classes reflect tropes seen in other games and while again some falter it’s not by enough that picking them in the wrong situation is a guaranteed blunder.

There are, of course, the heroes, major characters from the series granted to a player who’s doing pretty well, and I feel like this is another pretty well handled mechanic, even if a little awkward. There are enough of them, and they’re distributed enough between maps and factions, that they don’t tend to feel stale, and it’s pretty obvious that while they can absolutely ruin a team it’s also pretty easy to mishandle them. Unfortunately, heroes are related to one of my biggest complaints about the game, but we’ll get to that later.

One of the biggest selling points in my eyes are the dogfight levels. Now, I’ve never played X-Wing or the like, in fact my experiences with dogfighting games is extremely limited. But this part of the game fucks so hard. The design ideas begun with the class selection continue with the (admittedly small) range of starfighters you can pilot, with specialised interceptors, bombers, and landing craft to go alongside the effective all-rounders. The mode offers a variety of playstyles, between hunting down opponent’s fighters to bombing their flagships to boarding said flagships and destroying their systems from the inside. There is also the option of manually controlling the turrets, as well as acting as a gunner for someone else’s bomber/lander, but these positions are unfortunately underpowered and underexplored- they’re also, ultimately, less fun. But the dogfighting just feels right. I can’t really explain it, but moving in that 3-dimensional space feels not only satisfying but accurate to the source material in a way I don’t think any future Star Wars game has yet replicated.

I suppose the various game modes are worth discussing. Skirmishing on whatever map you want is the standard, at least in multiplayer, but there are a few unique offerings you won’t see in other modes- Hunt, where it’s a faction versus some of the series’s wildlife in a mode that always feels imbalanced towards one side or the other. There’s obviously Assault- the standard name for the space dogfights but on one ground map (Mos Eisley) it is of course the ever-popular heroes free-for-all, a chaotic mess but one where you can test out each one and figure out what their abilities actually do. But in the broader strokes, you’ve got the story, and the Galactic Conquest, as the two main other modes.

(oof, they really didnt build this with this resolution in mind huh)

That’s right, this game has a story, and it’s…okay? Ultimately it’s just a series of missions with the 501st, as they fight in the clone wars, turn on the Jedi, and ultimately become the Empire’s tool of oppression, separated by exposition. You get to run through some scenes from the movies, including the boarding at the start of the first movie and the Battle of Hoth, though some of the missions feel harder than intended- no matter how good the player is, the AI is not going to fare well in the tougher missions and you have a solid chance of ending up on your own.

Galactic Conquest is the game’s more unique selling point, being something like a basic version of Risk but with the dice-rolling battles replaced with Star Wars Battlefront II. You earn credits over time and through victory that you can spend unlocking types of units, getting new fleets to improve how many fronts you can wage war on, and unlock powerups for use in the actual battles. It’s largely fine, feeling like a bit more controlled and strategic version of just playing randoms in Instant Action, but it suffers the most from the biggest problem this game has.

The game’s truest flaw is its AI. They are dumb as a sack of potatoes, and the main thing holding the game back from perfection. And it was the early 00s so imperfect AI was to be expected, but it’s a bit more than imperfect here, I guess. Robits standing still while shooting you (or just at all, while you’re sniping them), extremely questionable vehicle and turret usage, and literally crashing starships into you, your flagship, or their own flagship. Bumping their difficulty up doesn’t really help, either. Even more egregious is the AI’s usage of heroes- or rather, that they don’t. If you’re playing single player, the game will always give earned heroes to you rather than your robot teammates, will not let one of them take if it if you decline to use the character, and you will never see one on the opposite side. This would imply that there wasn’t code for the Ais to use them, except there clearly is because Assault Mos Eisley exists- and they’re arguably much better there than in any other mode! It’s a real shame, because the low quality of the AI combined with the nature of the games means that victory is extremely polarised based on the player’s skill- if you bad all the way up to pretty decent at the game, your input basically doesn’t affect the outcome, whether you win or lose. If you’re good at the game, you will never lose at singleplayer, possible exception again being Assault Mos Eisley. It’s a little absurd, honestly. Also, I’m not even sure they go for the flag in CTF in space.

I am, however, willing to look past these flaws. The game is far from perfect, but it’s just incredibly fun. It’s a type of gameplay that they’ve tried to replicate, but never quite recaptured- and I think part of the reason for that is because the awkwardness is part of the charm. It’s nostalgic- both for those who played it when they were younger and just those in my generation who grew up on the Prequels. It’s also way more expensive on steam (bruh 14.5 AUD for real?) than I expected, but it goes on hard sales pretty often (I think I paid like a buck fifty for it), so it’ll be within budget at some point. I don’t know if I can recommend it for those who aren’t nostalgic, though, solely on account of those awkward features you likely wouldn’t be able to ignore like I do. And that’s a shame, because it’s not like they’ve made a better version of this game.

Fuck EA, basically.

[hitodama89]

Okay, I think my Christmas preparations are finally more or less back on schedule, so I can’t keep the Sword/Shield rant inside any longer! I’m sure this’ll get long, so sorry mobile users. =‘D

First the disclaimers: these are just my feelings about the games and I don’t present them as absolute truths. You better not come hunt for my head if you disagree, as I’m not going to do it for you either! Let’s keep everything civil here, okay?

So... How was the game? (I’m gonna talk just about a single game as I’ve only played Sword, but I have no doubt this all is true for Shield, too.) Eh, I had my fun with it - it IS a Pokémon game after all. There are some great aspects that I even loved! Battle musics are the best part, as there were several tracks that sounded good as all heckaroni and set the mood perfectly. I found the graphics to be easily good enough, as they never bothered me and some scenes even looked really nice. Characters had a ton of potential, but in a true Pokémon game fashion they were of course pretty simple caricatures of what they could’ve been - still not bad at all! A couple of characters even went through a surpsiring amount of development throughout the story! Same with the region, as it had a lot of potential and I adored the Arthurian vibes used in it, and the region’s variant of Pokémon League as a “sport tournament” was also an interesting consept. I have my bone to pick with Dynamaxing, but the things I were worried about in advance were actually proven to be wrong. I feared that the mechanic would be overused and feel just plain stupid, but the game surprised me by explaining it decently enough (If Pokémon can shrink to fit into Pokeball why couldn’t they also do the opposite?), using it sparingly in the main story and making the instances when it was used just really cool. So yeah, the game absolutely has its good side! But of boy, the bad side is... Truly something else.

Where to even begin with... I guess I just say this right at the start: the game is unbeleavably unfinished. Corners have been cut in every possible way you can think of, and even in ways that will surprise you. For example what do you think about a city where you aren’t able to access any single other building aside from Pokecenter? Or about the only two caves of the games that are just straight corridors instead of mazes? There are no puzzles, no HMs or anything that would replace the vast majority of them (only fly and surf are present in the most boring way ever seen), no cities where you could even pretend to get lost in, no stationary special Pokémon waiting to be challenged (like Sudowoodo in gen two), no... Anything. The game is just void of any extra content aside from going from place A to place B - and even that is executed in such a horrifying way it makes me want to shake my head in despair. You are constantly on a very, VERY narrow railroad and you are not allowed to take even two steps to check out anything else than what you are meant to see next. The game has other absurd limitations, too, like just plain hard limits on what level Pokémon you are allowed to catch in each part of the game. You see a Pokémon that’s on higher level? Nope, you can’t throw a ball at it. There sure is the wild area where you are supposed to be able to do what you want and go wherever you desire, but the level limitations are present also there and aside from Pokémon, there isn’t really anything in the whole big place to see or do. I have heard some people have loved exploring the wild area, but I personally can’t understand what there even is to explore! A few items scattered here and there and wild Pokémon - and oh, the Max Raid Battles. The fucking Max Raid Battles.

I was extremely cautious about Max Raid Battles from the very beginning, because they sound like something straight out of PoGo, and I was not wrong - they capture very well the feeling of trying to win a Raid on your own because you have no one else to do it with you! You can challenge the Max Raid Battles with computer allies, too, but especially on higher levels the allies are just ridiculosuly bad. Most of the time you would do better if you were there on your own, but that on the other hand is impossible; you have to have a team of four players in the battle. You can try to recruit other real players to participate in the battle, but I have managed to get someone to come with me literally once. One big reason for this might be that the game doesn’t explain how do you even join the battle, and it is far from self-explanatory! Other online functions aren’t much better, and the game doesn’t even have a GTS - the only thing that allowed a lone player like me to have a chance of completing the Pokedex. We have had GTS since gen four, for goodness sake! Now we are left to make 1243255425 wonder trades (/surprise trades) in the hope of getting all the version exclusive Pokémon to the other version. It’s plain unbelievable.

But oh, I’m not even done with Max Raid Battles yet! Because you know what? Even seeing one is RARE. For the last week I’ve seen one per day, and all of them have had extremely uninteresting Pokémon in them. You can use a certain item to make one appear, but that is more gambling than the slot machines in the old games ever were. First you make a dice roll to decide if you get a normal or rare battle - if it’s normal, haha, good luck, there’s almost never anything interesting there! In rare battles there might be, but they are, well, rare. And truly rare Pokémon in them are even more rare - and rarest of them all are the reason why I have negative feelings towards Dynamaxing even if the story made good effort to sell the idea to me. The thing is you can Dynamax any Pokémon, but some species have a special Gigantamax forms with special appearances and attacks. But not every Pokémon of the species can do it - far, faaaar from it! The Gigantamax form Pokémon are the rarest things you can find from Max Raid Battles and they are rare enough to make me feel desperate even thinking about the odds of finding - and then catching, as you only get one throw - one! There are a few I would love to have, but I’ve found a shiny Pokémon and caught Pokerus before I’ve seen a single one of the Gigantamax Pokémon I’m looking for in the wild.

There are still two major things I feel like I need to mention about the games, one of them being difficulty. Other than the odds of finding a Gigantamax Pokémon, there isn’t any sort of difficulty at all. Your Exp Share is permanently turned on so your team will sooner rather than later be overleveled enough to oneshot literally anything you meet. I spent a good while wondering why the heck was the option of turning the Exp Share off taken away, and I think I have an answer: it’s just one more symptom of the game being unfinished. The thing is almost every route in the game is really short and there are really, really few trainers to actually battle with. There’s also no way to re-challenge normal trainers (and barely anyone for that matter) so I think the Exp Share is permanently on to not make the game a ridiculous grindfest. But then no one actually tested (or cared) how balanced the exp gaining rate is and now we are at the opposite end of the problem. The game’s AI doesn’t seem that smart to me either, as every time an enemy Pokémon survives an attack due to miss or some other miracle all they do is use moves that raises their stats - like that was going to help them in any way! Catching wild Pokémon isn’t any more difficult either, and finding them is even less of a problem. The whole game is full of fully evolved Pokémon, including strong dragons and even things like Eeveelutions, just wandering around! And their catch rate is far from anything you’d expect from such monsters: most of the time I just threw one Quick Ball at them and was done with it. Such excitement. I also caught the version mascot Legendary into Premier ball in order to imagine for a little while that there was at keast some challenge in the game. Oh, and the game has literally two Legendaries in it, and I think the first one was likely an auto catch. Yeeeeey!

Then there’s the last big thing: the tiny-ass Pokedex. You aren’t allowed to have more than half of the existing Pokémon in your game, even as transferred from older versions like previously. This is one of three reasons why I feel like someone(s) at some point of the command chain of making Pokémon games is getting maddeningly greedy. The first thing is the pattern that latest games seem to be forming: SuMo 2 was just a pure cashgrab, Let’s Go games were clearly meant for bringing the cash of PoGo players to the main company and now we are getting a new gen opener games that are, like I’ve stated a thousand times, just not ready in the launch day. The second reason is also the reason why I believe SwSh was so rushed: it had to be launched in time for this year’s Christmas market no matter the consequences. They could’ve taken a few more months like Animal Crossing is doing, but that seemed never to be an option. And the third reason is the Pokedex. It would be easy to think that the Pokedex is just another victim of the rush, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. First of all we’ve known about the cut for a long time - it seems like there was never an intention to include all the Pokémon in the game. Secondly Game Freak has blatantly lied about the reasons of making the cut (”we need more time to build these Pokémon models”, when in truth apparently many of the models were just reused and polished versions taken from the last gen) so the real reason of not having all Pokémon available must be something they’d rather not tell to the players. Thirdly, and where this all comes together, is the launch of Pokémon Home. Now that the Pokémon many players have taken from game to game ever since gen three can’t be transferred to a main series game anymore, the only solutions are to either leave them behind or transfer them to Pokémon Home - a monthly subscription service. There was a similar service before, Pokémon Bank, but apparently they weren’t making enough money with it when people bought it, transferred everything they wanted through it, and cancelled the service after one month. So now they are making sure you can’t cancel Home, unless you want your, what, 15 years old Pokémon to simply vanish to thing air. They are boldly taking advantage of the same thing they have utilized in many advertisements recently - people’s nostalgy towards the Pokémon they have owned for so, so many years.

So yeah, that’s about it. There are other things that bother me about these games, inluding their story that has the most unbalanced pacing I might have ever seen and how it leaves so, so many questions open, but I think I want to start closing this rant at this point. Because it leaves things to the same note as what is playing most loudly in my head after finishing the game: I’m worried about the future of this franchise, and for completely new reasons than ever before. Previously I and many others have been worried about the direction of the Pokémon designs, increasingly gimmicky game mechanics and similar things, but all those seem such tiny worries compared to how badly things are now. Now I’m worried about if all the future games will be made short-sighted monetary gains as their main goal. Because that, my friends, would be what finally could kill Pokémon.

[woolishlygrim]

Winter Weebwatch #1

So, because it is Good when I get to have opinions about things, I figured I’d try out doing a bunch of mini-reviews for the current season of anime, doing a new batch of reviews with each episode and seeing how they evolve and change over time, whether some do better, or some fall behind, or if I end up dropping any of them (and by any of them, I mean Plunderer).

The winter anime season is kind of a dead zone: Since it starts in January when everybody’s starting to get busy again and Christmas has screwed over their sense of work-life balance, it’s the season with the lowest amount of viewers, and so it’s the season where the shows tend to be noticeably low effort and low budget. It’s telling that, despite having huge franchises with a lot of brand recognition, Sunrise and A-1 Pictures put Gundam Build Divers Re:Rise and Sword Art Online on hiatus for the entirety of the winter season, choosing to take the hit that comes from a three month hiatus instead of wasting twelve or thirteen episodes on the Death Season, The Season Where Shows Go To Die.

So by and large, what we’re reviewing here are either the shows distribution companies didn’t care about, or the shows distribution companies did care about but couldn’t get a channel to pick up in any other season. We’re also not reviewing all of them, because there’s like ninety and my store of time and opinions is finite, so we’re reviewing seven.

While the intention is to follow these seven shows through to the end, what will probably happen is I might drop a couple that aren’t keeping my interest, and pick up a couple that catch my eye. If I pick up new ones, then whatever I pick up will get some kind of bumper review covering several episodes.

Also, I really dragged my heels getting this done, so most of these shows have already aired their second episodes. I’ll be trying to put out the second episode reviews a lot quicker, so that I can be relatively current by the time the third episodes roll around.

Anyway! Week 1, first episodes.

Infinite Dendrogram.

★★★☆☆

Infinite Dendrogram has a terrible and ridiculous premise that crumbles into dust if you examine it for more than 0.2 seconds, and I kind of don’t mind that at all.

The show follows Ray Starling, a player in the titular Virtual Reality MMO, which promises infinite possibilities owing to its two unique selling points: The first, that all the NPCs are fully-fledged AIs, meaning the world ‘exists’ distinct from its players or any manned oversight, with quests emerging naturally from the NPCs’ wants and needs, and with NPCs able to permanently die; and the second, that each player character has an Embryo, a superpower generated using their personality as a model, with infinite possibilities.

This is an inconceivably dumb premise. Leaving aside the obvious game balance issues with the Embryos, it’s clarified early on that this AI technology is unique to the game, which means that some game company discovered the technology to create fully conscious, sapient life, and decided to use that technology to create a video game (and in doing so, directly led to the deaths of thousands of those sapient lives).

But I … kinda don’t care? Infinite Dendrogram’s episode was fun, lively, not terribly original but consistently engaging, and managed to introduce five characters who I actually kind of like while telling a self-contained episodic story with good stakes and nice pacing. It feels like Sword Art Online if Sword Art Online was written by a competent writer and also not just a delivery system for creepy, irritating fanservice, and that’s pretty nice.

Also, bonus points for actually making the in-universe game look fun? We’ll call that one another advantage it has over SAO.

ID: Invaded.

★★★★☆

ID: Invaded has indisputably the strongest first episode of this season of anime (really first two, as it aired both episodes one and two back to back), by a gigantic margin. A video called ‘Defending ID: Invaded’ floated by my youtube dash a few days back, so clearly some people don’t agree with me on that, but that’s fine. It’s okay for them to be wrong.

When ID: Invaded picks up, a young man awakens in an empty white void full of floating chunks of a city, with his own body in pieces and no memories. Pulling himself back together, he realises, upon seeing a dead body of a young woman, that his name is Sakaido, and he’s a detective here to solve the woman’s murder.

Sakaido, it quickly turns out, is exploring a cognitive world formed out of a telepathic link with the killer, with a team of investigators in the real world watching through his eyes and picking out evidence to find the murderer with. When the murderer, a serial killer called the Perforator, kidnaps a member of the investigation team, the race is on to find him before he can kill again.

So, ID: Invaded has kind of mastered the art of dripfeeding information in a way that gets a viewer hooked very quickly while steadily delivering a series of twists and turns, and recontextualising the story and the mystery (which, it rapidly emerges, is not the mystery of the Perforator, but rather the mystery of Sakaido himself). It’s gripping and inventive, with a strong if slightly convoluted premise and a lot of interesting material to set up going forward in the series.

In a nice touch, director Ei Aoki turns the mental worlds Sakaido visits (two in the first two episodes) into homages to other surrealist anime directors, mimicking both their compositions and their cinematography. The world of the Perforator draws marked influence from the works of Mamoru Hosoda, an apprentice of Hayao Miyazaki and one of the original creators of Digimon Adventure; while the second world visited pays homage to the works of Akiyuki Shinbo, best known for the unsettling surrealist landscapes and equally unsettling cinematography of Puella Magi Madoka Magica and Fate/Extra Last Encore.

Pet.

★☆☆☆☆

Pet looks like a cheap OVA from 2004. Let’s just get that out of the way, it looks bad, but in a really inoffensive way where it just kind of looks cheap and outdated.

It’s … fine. It’s okay. If you’ve ever had a Burger King bacon and cheese burger, you basically know what Pet is like. If you haven’t ever had a Burger King bacon and cheese burger, go and have a Burger King bacon and cheese burger, and then you’ll know what Pet is like.

The first episode doesn’t really give away anything about the premise of the series, save that it involves psychic criminals, but it tells a decent self-contained little story about a guy who learns something he shouldn’t and is then psychic-ly tormented before his memory is eventually wiped.

There’s also just not a lot to say about Pet, though. It fulfills its function as a work of storytelling, and it doesn’t really ever do much more than that, at least in its first episode. It finds its comfortable niche in just being very average and unremarkable, and sticks there, being average and unremarkable.

Of all the first episodes I’m reviewing, Pet seems the most passionless. It’s such a middle of the road piece of art that I struggle to imagine why it was even made. It doesn’t seem like it’s trying to sell merchandise, it doesn’t seem like a passion project, it doesn’t really seem like much of anything. It feels like someone asked a creative writing class to write a short story about psychic criminals, and then one of those stories was turned into an anime episode.

Plunderer.

☆☆☆☆☆

Plunderer offers a moderately interesting premise that literally nobody watching the first episode will even remember because oh good god, from the second scene onwards the entire episode is just non-stop sexual harassment and assault, first from the protagonist to the deuteragonist and then from the antagonist to the deuteragonist, and I hated it. I hated it so much.

In a bizarre turn, when the protagonist sexually harasses and attempts to sexually assault the deuteragonist, it’s played as wacky comedy, but when the antagonist does basically the exact same thing, it’s played with all the sense of horror that those actions warrant.

I just … don’t really get how I’m meant to ever sympathise with the protagonist after this. I don’t know how you rehabilitate a character in the audience’s minds when our very first introduction to him tells us that he’s a sex pest.

Also something something numbers something something die if your number reaches zero something something magical items who even cares what the premise is, my patience for this show ran dry thirty seconds into the second scene.

If I had a way of representing it, I would give this first episode a negative number of stars.

Sorcerous Stabber Orphen.

★★★☆☆

Let it just be noted that ‘Sorcerous Stabber Orphen’ is the most unintentionally hilarious anime title of the season, so there’s that.

A remake of a 1999 series of the same name, Sorcerous Stabber Orphen follows Orphen, a disgraced former sorcerer turned small-time crook and moneylender whose ill-advised attempt to commit marriage fraud is abruptly interrupted by the appearance of a dragon crashing through the roof of his potential bride/mark’s house. This isn’t just any dragon, however, but Orphen’s sister, Azalie, magically transformed after a spell gone wrong, leading Orphen on a quest to turn her back into a human before the sorcerers of the Tower of Fang can kill her.

Side note: While he names himself ‘Orphen’ because he is an orphan, I’m not misspelling the name, that’s how it’s spelled in-show. This is everybody’s fault except mine.

So, this first episode rather shows the age of its source material. It looks very much like a spruced up late 90s anime made with current day animation techniques, and that’s actually not a bad look for it. It’s also not really a good look -- Megalo Box this ain’t -- it’s just kind of a … look. Which is there. It exists in a state of Neutral Retro.

As first episodes go, though, this is probably one of the emptier and slower ones, somehow managing to cover less of its plot than even Plunderer (although it wins out on a massive margin the basis of that plot not being 90% sex crimes), because seemingly not only is its animation style cribbed from late 90s action anime, but so is its pacing.

What’s there, though, is pretty fun. None of it is dazzlingly original, it probably wasn’t that original even in the 90s, but we get introduced to a likeable cast of characters, we get a decent central conflict set up, and the worldbuilding is, while bare bones at present, at least interesting enough to hook a viewer who likes fantasy.

Also, it’s called ‘Sorcerous Stabber Orphen,’ so, you know. Extra star just for that, man.

In/Spectre.

★★☆☆☆

I’m not sure what In/Spectre is trying to be, and it doesn’t seem to be sure either.

The marketing set it up as an atmospheric, brooding supernatural mystery. The first third of the episode frames it as a romantic comedy with emphasis on the comedy. The second third of the episode switches back to atmospheric, brooding supernatural mystery, only for the third third of the episode to switch tracks yet again, this time to an action comedy with an emphasis on the action.

I don’t know whether I’m coming or going with this show. I get mood whiplash constantly, as it veers from genre to genre like a drunk driver on the freeway. By the time the last third of the episode hit, I felt completely unmoored not just from the plot, but from how I was even meant to interpret the characters.

It’s not bad at any of those genres, either. The romantic comedy section was actually pretty funny, the supernatural mystery section was suitably ominous, the action comedy section established stakes and followed through on them pretty well. None of it was blow-me-away-amazing, but it was all competent, it’s just that there’s no coherent sense of tone to any of it.

Darwin’s Game.

★☆☆☆☆

Full disclosure, I completely forgot I was watching Darwin’s Game. I finished these reviews, thought ‘haha, well done, I’ve reviewed all six shows I wanted to review’ and didn’t remember that there was a seventh on my list until I saw its name come up on a streaming website.

That’s a large part of why I’m scoring it so low. It’s better than In/Spectre, Pet, or Plunderer, it’s probably at least as good as Sorcerous Stabber Orphen, but at least those shows actually made some kind of impression on me. Darwin’s Game is good, but I can’t exactly justify giving two or three stars to a show that had such little impact that it vanished from my memory as soon as I stopped actively watching it with my eyes, like some kind of middling Doctor Who monster.

So, Darwin’s Game follows, um. It follows … a guy … with a name that I can’t recall … who is unwittingly dragged into a death game played in the streets of Tokyo. With each player given Sigils, seemingly magical abilities that they can use to gain advantages in the game, and with points exchangeable for vast sums of real money, the players of Darwin’s Game are set to the task of hunting down and murdering other players. Unable to back out of the game, Some Guy finds help with, er … with … a person … whose name I also don’t recall … and …

God, trying to recall the details of this show is like trying to recall what you had for dinner last week just after a severe head injury. You know, but the details just aren’t there.

I’m kind of at a loss as far as opinions go, because I don’t … know? If I think hard, I can remember the order of events that happened in the first episode, but I can’t remember what, if any, emotional response I had to them. All of my memories of this show are a blank, emotionless void, this is like asking me to review Solitaire. Like, I guess it was fine? I guess? 

I can’t remember the main character’s face or voice.

Note to self, write all Darwin’s Game reviews from now on immediately after watching the episode, otherwise all recollection of it will melt like ice cream in a heat wave.

I’m still giving it one star, though, because I refuse to put it on the same level as Plunderer. For a start, the main character doesn’t belong on some kind of registry.

[100hearteyes]

Alternate reality where women's football (soccer) is the more famous one. European football is at its prime, it's once again highly competitive. The reign of Cristiana Ronalda and Leonor Messi has ended.

Portuguese starlet Alexandra "Lexa" Silva is the next big thing. A brainy, skilled defensive midfielder, whose long passing is on a par with the best of the best, is fresh out of the FC Porto youth academy. At just 17 she's already made the starting lineup and was given the captain's armband in a game. She's third captain.

Cue Clarke Griffin, an 18-year old American offensive midfielder, whose signing Porto just beat their long-time rivals Benfica (who are the literal devil) for.

Clarke knows little of Portuguese and Portugal, so Lexa, being the leader (and gay) she is — and she has an English father —, takes it upon herself to show her around and help her fit in. They become really good friends over the course of the two seasons they spend together at FC Porto (please don't call it Oporto) and begin to develop feelings for each other, however both are too chicken shit to act on them.

By the end of the second season with no trophies to show for a new club president is elected and he decides to operate a complete overhaul of the team. Lexa is informed that they might need to sell her to make money because the club is broke.

A totally randomly picked Championship club, say, Wolverhampton, comes in with a tempting offer and the club want to take it, but they allow Lexa to have the final word. Lexa, who is by now vice-captain and hoping to become captain of the club she's always dreamed of captaining to glory next season, is really torn on whether to stay or go. However, on the evening of Lexa's final day to choose, Clarke has a talk with her and tells her that Wolves are also interested in her and looking to make a package deal with the two players. Clarke and Lexa could go to England, together, and dream and fulfill new dreams altogether. Side by side the adaptation won't be as hard. Clarke tells Lexa they can achieve anything they want. They almost kiss that evening, but are interrupted.

Lexa decides to say yes and head to Wolves and travels the very next day to England to sign her new contract. Once there, and already having signed, she confesses to them that the fact that Clarke is also coming really helped her decision. They look at her, utterly confused, and tell her they are not going to sign Clarke — they never even considered it.

Lexa feels betrayed and cuts Clarke off completely. It gets worse when she hears that Clarke has been promoted to FC Porto captain, because now she knows that this was Clarke's intention all along: to lure her away so she could take both her spot and her spotlight — at her club. The club Lexa has always dreamed of playing for. The club Lexa has always dreamed of captaining. The club Lexa has always dreamed of winning silverware for (and never got to). The club she never even wanted to leave in the first place.

Still she promises herself to do her very best for Wolves. To be the best version of herself she can be. Lexa shines for her new club and is elected both Best Championship Player and Best Young Championship Player. She leads Wolverhampton to direct promotion to the Premier League, attracting the attention of every major European club, but she decides to stay put.

By the end of the season however she makes the mistake of tuning in to Portuguese news and sees Clarke raise the Portuguese League trophy for FC Porto. She sees red and throws the remote at the screen, yelling, "That is my club! That was supposed to be me!" Her cousin Anya tells her to suck it up and show the world how good she is.

Clarke garners the attention of several Giants and AC Milan pay 40 million euros to sign her. The Italian league has become very popular again in the wake of Cristiana Ronalda taking Juventus to Champions League glory.

On her debut season in the Premier League, Lexa leaves everyone's jaws hanging open with her talent. They guarantee qualification to the Europa League with Lexa as their biggest star. She also follows Clarke's career, her resentment growing and growing — easy to blame her shortcomings and hate someone who isn't there to defend themselves. She keeps up to date on how successful Clarke's AC Milan carecer is turning out, winning a Scudetto on her very first season.

Summer comes and several giants try to sign her, but Lexa chooses Inter Milan just so she can be Clarke's rival. They pay 80 million euros to take her to Italy.

Once there she conquers her space right away and becomes Inter's brightest star in a matter of weeks. Inter are leading the Serie A with eight points over their rivals when the Derby della Madonnina (the Milan derby) arrives. The Giuseppe Meazza is tearing at the seams.

Lexa spends the whole of the first half poking the Clarke bear, feeding off her own resentment towards the blonde. Clarke tells her in clear terms to back off, but she doesn't. Until on the 72th minute, just the play after she lost a ball to Clarke quite embarrassingly, Lexa sees red again and tackles Clarke hard. The collision is so violent that everyone in the stadium hears a loud CRACK — Clarke's leg is broken and she cries out in pain.

The referee shows Lexa the red card right away. A fight breaks out between Milan and Inter players, the former trying to jump Lexa for injuring their leader and the latter trying to protect her. As she hears Clarke's cries of pain over everything else it finally dawns on Lexa what she has done. She collapses to her knees, not even able to cry, appalled and terrified at how she let her anger control her and maybe ended a colleague's career. She may have ended Clarke's career.

Clarke is carried away straight to the hospital, where she stays overnight. Lexa leaves the pitch and the stadium altogether and follows the ambulance to the hospital. She stays there and waits for Clarke's surgery to be over. Clarke's parent arrive and she stands up immediately and says she's so, so sorry, and asks them to please, please forgive her. To Lexa's surprise, they hug her and say all is forgiven on their behalf. Clarke might have a harder time to come around though.

Clarke's friends and teammates arrive at the hospital and are pissed to find Lexa there. Amidst insults (that she doesn't respond to, too defeated and remorseful), they try to kick her out, but Abby and Jake overrule them and say she can stay.

Clarke comes out of surgery. She's stable and might be able to play again. Lexa feels a huge weight lift off her shoulders. It's the morning after when they can finally visit Clarke and her parents allow Lexa to be second (they're first).

When she enters Clarke's room she's welcomed with a flying book and forced to retreat. She doesn't let it deter her. She stays in the hospital for a week — Clarke has to do a lot of physical therapy and the doctors decide to keep her there for some time —, barely eating, going back home just to shower, waiting and waiting for Clarke to invite her into her room.

At last Clarke's parents tell her that the blonde has requested her presence. Lexa apologizes thoroughly, for everything. Clarke reveals that she knows why Lexa was so angry and wishes she'd have given her a chance to explain at the time — the Porto president lied to her, saying Wolverhampton were interested in signing her, so she would convince Lexa to take their offer. She called Lexa right after she found out she'd been played, but Lexa never answered and eventually she stopped trying. She just never expect Lexa to hold a grudge so big that she would willingly injure her the day they first met after years apart. Lexa says she never set out to injure Clarke, who in turn calls her a liar. Lexa bows her head and admits to her bad intentions, she cries and says she's sorry; she's so, so sorry. Clarke tells her she'll never forgive her. Be that as it may, Lexa kneels for Clarke and vows to treat her needs as her own and do everything in her power to help Clarke bounce back ASAP.

Clarke relents and tells her she can start by reading her the book she threw at her head the week before. Lexa is happy she can help in any way Clarke allows her.

Clarke goes back home the next week and over the following weeks Lexa basically becomes her personal nurse, doting on her practically 24/7. It annoys Clarke to no end.

Lexa's punishment is announced: 20 games out. She takes it in stride; in a press conference, she apologizes to everyone involved — clubs, players, fans, and above all Clarke — and announces that she will only ay again when Clarke returns to full fitness. A journalist asks her what if Clarke never plays again. Lexa says if that happens then she will never play again either. Inter Milan accept her decision and promise not to get rid of her. Lexa asks to have her salary cut to half until she comes back. Clarke, who watched the press conference, feels herself begin to forgive Lexa.

Lexa is there every step of the way as Clarke recovers. Over the months, Clarke forgives Lexa and a new kind of connection begins to develop between them. Clarke was defeated at first, but with Lexa by her side she starts to smile more, laugh more, believe more that she can make a full recovery and play at the level she used to again. Lexa, on the other hand, is already head over heels in love with Clarke. Jake and Abby are totally rooting for them.

After nine, gruelling moths of treatment, Clarke finally returns to full training with Milan in September, just after the new season started. Lexa, who has been training to get back to top shape, also returns to full training with Inter. They both have their "redebuts" with their respective clubs and, although their competitive rhythm is not yet the best, the fans revel the chance to see their idols back on the pitch, their qualities intact. Because Clarke returns on the last game of a matchday, Lexa decides to only make her return the following week. She doesn't want to experience football (soccer) again before Clarke. It makes Clarke's heart melt.

The night of Lexa's debut (a week later from Clarke's), Clarke watches it on the TV. Lexa returns home that night to find Clarke there. Before she can ask what Clarke is doing there, the blonde kisses her.

After some initial lack of definition, Clarke and Lexa become girlfriends. They try to hide their relationship, but fail miserably at it. The fans should be angry that the captains of their cutthroat rival teams are dating, but they find it too adorable to care. On the first Derby di Milano since they got back, they shake hands proudly. There's even a funny episode: Lexa and Clarke argue over a possible foul, but when another Inter player tries to join the argument, Lexa sends her away with an authoritative glare. Inter win with a great goal from Lexa and after the final whistle Clarke refuses to shake her hand. But Lexa just laughs and kisses her cheek, earning an eye roll from her girlfriend.

Clarke's AC Milan wins the Scudetto that year, but Lexa's Internazionale steals the title from then the next two years. After three years of dating, Clarke and Lexa decide to get married.

On their fourth year, Lexa's Inter win the "triplete": Serie A, Cup of Italy, and Champions League, and Lexa's Portugal beats Clarke's USA in the World Cup final. Lexa wins the Ballon d'Or. The next year, however, it's AC Milan who win the UCL, and Clarke gets the Ballon d'Or.

When they're both 30, they decide it's time to let their contracts expire and go back home. They sign for FC Porto (who have a new, much better president) for "free" (lbh signing bonuses are never low) and win the Portuguese League five times in a row, with Lexa as captain and Clarke as vice-captain. Lexa reaaallly tries not to, but she cries when she lifts her first trophy with the captain's armband. Porto are still the first team who has ever won five league titles in a row, and now they've done it twice. They also win the Champions League on their fifth year, the third in the club's history, and Lexa cries again. Clarke denies it, but she does too.

The girls retire at age 35. They have their whole lives in front of them.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 26 - TOR - The Eichel Standard

6-4 Regulation Win

Let’s have a moment of honesty. I’ll start. I expected this to be a signed sealed and delivered loss (I think many of us did). I had a rip-roaring time watching that epic Buffalo Bills game on Thanksgiving to the point where I was near dreading a home and home series with the team I hate more than any other in the world (I think many of us did). The Buffalo Sabres, losers of 11 out of 13, up against a hated Leafs squad fresh off the firing and roasting of their former coach rattling off three straight wins, is the setup for a massively painful loss… or a very cathartic win... and a playoff spot at the moment *Heavily suggestive nudging*. We’ll come back to that. One more moment of honesty: I have begun to feel dirty roasting the Leafs fans who file into Key Bank Center in droves as of late. The reality that has been attested to me a dozen times is these are mostly folks who haven’t and may never see a Leafs game in Toronto. They’ve been priced out. Instead of feeling offended that so many thrifty season ticket holders in the lower bowl sell their tickets to Leafs fans… we should really pity these Leafs fans and give them good treatment. They are priced out by an organization that has sucked ass for half a century and not even granted them the dignity of watching it live. Just a thought. I digress. What is the greatest game against the Leafs in Sabres history? Greatest Game Against for this divisional rival actually has scanter options than you might think. There is no Leafs-Sabres game in the top fifteen of the Buffalo News’ top 50 games in franchise history. These teams are rarely good at the same time and the one time they were gave us the only playoff series between the two in the 1999 Eastern Conference Final, a series won by the Sabres I may add. The Greatest Game Against the Leafs in franchise history comes in that series: Game 5. The 4-2 win sealed the second trip to the Stanley Cup Final in franchise history. Like many big moments the team got in the late 1990s it was backstopped by Dominik Hasek being the best goaltender in the world but nonetheless the Sabres won a trip to the biggest series for the organization since the mid-70s so whose complaining? That series allows us to carry the historical playoff edge against the Leafs into a playoff series I now feel is as inevitable as Thanos. I guess we’ll see about that. Last night was a boost, no doubt about that.

Buffalo did what they’ve been good at lately: getting a neat little hot start and getting our hopes up before absolutely roasting our turkey. There are nights where Jack Eichel has a game. There are nights when Linus Ullmark has a game. Last Night they both had a game. William Nylander outmaneuvered Johan Larsson and Marco Scandella back on the other end and suddenly found himself on a breakaway. Linus Ullmark said: ain’t no problem. He scooped it up to thunderous applause. I wasn’t at this game so I’m not going to comment on the Leafs jerseys to Sabres jerseys ratio but from the sound of it both fanbases had the power of applause. Auston Matthews disappeared throughout this game; but the guy who was mature enough for the C did not. This game could be framed as the battle of the Captains. John Tavares broke the scoreless tie late in the first period with a quick shot from Ilya Mikheyev. I think Linus Ullmark was screened by both Leafs and Sabres players on that one. Sometimes it seems as though this club either doesn’t know how to defend the net or defends it so hard the goalie can’t do his job. Either way it was 1-0 after one period. Tavares struck again early in the second period. Eichel and Spezza had both gone to the box creating a 4-on-4 and some space for creative players on the Leafs. This 2-0 goal I feel comfortable blaming on Ullmark. Tavares leads a 2-on-3 and the puck ends up way behind the net. Ullmark splayed out on his belly way too early and JT got his own rebound and tapped it in. I suppose it also would have helped if the Sabres defenders were a little tougher on Tavares but hey, they held Auston Matthews off the score sheet so I’m not complaining, well at least not after the Buffalo Sabres arrived in this game shortly before six minutes into the second period.

Brandon Montour kept the puck in the offensive zone on a failed Leafs zone exit and passed it to Johan Larsson. Larsson goes in and doesn’t see his shot, so he drop passes it to one of the best trailers in the league in my humble opinion: Jeff Skinner. Yes, Skinner on a line centered by Johan Larsson is some interesting strategy from Ralph Krueger and you probably have seen the roasts of the strange deployment. Me, well I’m going to save those roasts for the losses. Skinner ripped off an Eichel-esque wrist shot that Michael Hutchinson never responded to. Just right in. Funny part of this story as we go onto the flowering of the Sabres offense here: man-of-the-people new Leafs coach Sheldon Keefe asked the players what they thought of the difficult backup position they got up there and they wanted Hutchinson called up. Hutch must feel like he got the raw end of that deal, eh? Spoiler Alert: he let six goals in. After the Skinner goal both teams botched a powerplay and as the Leafs’ one expired Jack Eichel came out of the box to pick up a juicy stray puck that had wandered into the neutral zone. Him, Marcus Johannson and Conor Sheary go off to the races on a 3-on-1. Jack Eichel does a Jack Eichel Special and this game is tied. If you watch this team regularly you probably know what a Jack Eichel Special is: quick release wrist shot from the point, preferably on the rush. That’s yummier than Thanksgiving stuffing! The feast had just begun! Marco Scandella shot from the point and Casey Mittelstadt bats at it to create a redirect of the year candidate for the 3-2 lead. Now if you want to find some similarities between these two teams its not hard. One might be that both have enough skill guys to draw defenders out of their coverages. That’s what happened when another Leafs powerplay was ending and Jack Eichel had the puck. He has the puck behind the Leafs net along with 3(?) blue & white defenders… yeah, you know who that left open: Victor Olofsson. Goalofsson is no longer in an exclusive relationship with the powerplay, now he’s taking shots in all situations and he puts the Sabres up 4-2 to put a nice little bow on the first forty minutes of this game.

Almost seven minutes into the final frame Dmytro Timashov get a shot off through the woods and the Leafs are back within one. You can’t sit back in this league, the Sabres have learned that the hard way. But with the Leafs you can’t only not sit back, you need to bury them alive. You have to beat them so bad they’re thinking of their next opponent to beat these guys. The third period was a kind of touch-and-go experience as the Leafs closed in and the Sabres extended their lead. I was in a movie for this game and when I was looking at the scorers afterwards I saw Jimmy Vesey unassisted and thought to myself: three unassisted breakaway goals in the three games? What are the chances? I come to find out it wasn’t a breakaway, but it was one of those embarrassing goals you watch happen and think: “Yeah, that’s going to be showed in a Leafs video session.” They gave up the puck right in the slot and Jimmy Vesey takes it and hardly has to do the cotton eyed joe to get through the defenders right up to Hutchinson. When Vesey got there he put a goal that actually merits the name “Greasy Vesey”: five hole from point blank. Oh, this was the moment this game became cathartic. Not only is Jack Eichel roasting the Leafs, now its his BU drinking buddy tapping in five-hole stingers. Kasperi Kapanen closed the Leafs to within one again mere minutes later on another goal Ullmark probably wants back. And so it would be a one goal game for the last eight minutes until Jack Eichel got the puck in the defensive zone with a Leafs empty net and launched an ICBM all the way down ice into the open cage for the final score line of 6-4. That’s right, the Sabres didn’t just beat the Leafs, they did it in regulation like a bunch of Gs. If we could have a game like that every night a lot fewer fans would be calling Buffalo’s turkey roasted at this phase of the season.

The NHL gave three stars honors to Eichel, Vesey and Tavares but I’m going to change one of those. Jack Eichel was not only good on the score sheet; he literally had a perfect game in zone entries and breakouts. Those are the stats of a leader. If that behavior infects his teammates we won’t be talking about another lost season much longer. If we see players on this team at least showing Eichel’s drive to win each night then what could happen? The answer is beautiful things with the Eichel Standard. Star number two ought to be Linus Ullmark who has secretly been behind some of the Sabres recent almost success and tonight: actual success. Ullmark has a .913 save percentage, which is very much on the good side, having started five of the last seven games. Think about the last seven games, how many of them do you think the goalie came out looking that good? The tide might be turning on this tandem. The time is shortly before noon on Saturday I’m going to post this. A lot can change in the next 24 hours in this league, not to mention the outcome of a second game between these two teams tonight in Toronto; but as of right now the Buffalo Sabres sit in a playoff spot at third place in the division. Say what you will about this club wasting a fantastic October, or losing in spectacular fashion against lesser teams, or even the seeming inability of the GM to rotate out some defensive depth so his Coach can stop rotating good defenseman out of the lineup; this team is not out of it. Not yet. I did Thanksgiving Playoffs last postgame remembering that most of the teams in the playoffs on American Thanksgiving are in the dance come the end of the season. The playoff picture in the east right now is tight AF. No, frustrated we might be game to game this season has all the makings of not being over. Stop writing the epitaph while the body is warm. Being a Sabres fan sucks but you got to give it the space to not suck sometimes.

After the Leafs tonight we have the DEVILS who are just as bad as the last time we checked. After that the Sabres fly out on a Western Canada road trip I’m not too afraid of. I’m not telling you they’re going to create separation in the standings, we’ve watched this team enough to know opportunity is often squandered, but I doubt we’re as doom and gloom about this team when we see the Leafs again in three Tuesdays. Just an idea, I’ll probably be wrong, right? Tampa is also waiting to come alive like a loaded coil sitting outside the playoff picture so I should be more hesitant to get excited, eh? Like, share and comment on this blog to hop on board to remind me when I’m wrong. Happy Holidays, it seems as though we can be happy this holiday season just off Bills energy. Call me a fool but I’ve got some serious Sabres energy going on right now too. Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. The Tim Hortons Rivalry. Let’s make that a thing. Nobody outside Southern Ontario or Western New York knows wtf the QEW is so let’s not name the rivalry after a fucking highway. This is a sleeping giant of a rivalry that we are naming after a fucking road. Think about it. The more you think about “Tim Hortons Rivalry” the more it makes sense.

[toasttz]

Photon Breaker Zechs: Through the Window

The following is a side-novel to Photon Breaker Zechs, a fantastic little tale being told over at my bro's blog dietaku.tumblr.com - where a bunch of plucky misanthropes get thrown into an MMORPG. My story is to be considered side content and, in the event of anything coming off as contradictory, assume that PBZ proper is canon over Through the Window. Lastly, depending on response, this may get moved to its own independent space. Either way, please enjoy! Photon Breaker Zechs: Through the Window Chapter 1: Video games can teach you about yourself I was seriously in over my head. I had gotten cocky and now, it looked like that was going to cost me my life. I stood, back to a row of trees that may as well have been a damned wall, taking stock of the rapidly approaching wolves – each nearly the size of a horse – surrounding me. I lifted my nearly-broken hammer in both hands, having lost my shield some time before during the chase that left me winded and unable to focus. Even were I able to do enough damage to open a path to flee, and assuming my hammer wouldn't just break like a brittle twig, it would do me no good at this point as both my strength and my supplies were tapped. My body was tense, my heart pounding a million miles an hour. It was do-or-die time. Mustering the last ounce of Spirit, I summoned up a manly shout of defiance in the face of impending doom, “Lee-roy—!!!” A sudden, deafening barrage of explosions caused me to hesitate as bodies of the massive wolves were sent sailing aside like mere ragdolls under an intense burst of fire from a source not immediately obvious to me. After forcing my eyes open from reflexively flinching shut, I saw a tall, radiant woman rush into sight, revolvers akimbo, opening fire into the furry fiends. Our mutual foes were soon but a memory as she holstered her weapons and flashed a bucktoothed grin at me, “That was close, wasn't it?!” I let out a sigh and leaned back in my faux-leather office chair, allowing my hands to come off the mouse and keyboard as I felt my tension fade away. My avatar on-screen was left with a meager 43 HP left and nearly-destroyed equipment after a long, maze-like dungeon had seriously done a number on my ego and my supply of HP and Spirit potions. Catching my breath, I opened the in-game chat client and shot back, “Thanks. I owe you one, FluffyStar,” “No sweat, Windowz,” she replied through text, executing the 'excited waving' emote animation, instilling a chuckle from me, “Would you like some help?” “Sounds good. Let's get out of here, my gear is nearly scrap metal,” I explained as she motioned for me to follow. We formed a party so we could properly share experience points and gold coins and she kindly escorted me back to the main town, Strattburg. It all started some time before our lives changed forever at the hands of a mere game. Slidelands was the game to play back then, a massive multiplayer online role playing game, or MMORPG. The game was a genuine worldwide smash hit phenomenon, and received regular expansion packs nearly every year since its launch nearly 15 years ago. My friend, Seamus, a younger guy I met by chance, invited several of his friends, including me, into the fold. Citing a lack of anything better to do, due to a job that involved me getting home in the dead of night and a dash of insomnia, I began to play the game regularly. The first steps of playing a game of this sort is to create your character, as opposed to playing a pre-set hero character – hence 'role playing' game. Also as opposed to games where you don't play a role, I guess. Think those are called 'movies' or 'modern JRPGs' but I digress. The game had disgustingly comprehensive depths for both mechanical and aesthetic customization. My friend, Dieter, literally spent over two hours just on how his character – Deegal – would ultimately look (and about ten minutes on her abilities). After picking your gender and a screenname, I was prompted to pick my “Tron”, class, and race. Slidelands's major selling point, back in the day, was how your characters could pick any of the four Trons (Proton, Neutron, Electron, and Photon) and one from over 30 Class combinations for different stats and abilities. Then you picked a race from out of over 20 options which further changed your growths and native passive specialties. Guides that run longer than dictionaries exist online with intricate detailings of precise, specialized “optimal” builds. However, I opted to cut my own path and designed a character that would be both fun to play and help in team settings – which the game heavily revolved around courtesy of a series of mechanics that were both ill-explained and near-mandatory for making any real progress in the game's story. My character, Windowz, was a Proton-Bunker from the Loppo – or rabbit-man – tribe. I was pleased with his incredibly tall stature and stout, upside-down triangle of a body. I knew from the start I planned to do some heavy-duty damage and be able to take a lot in return, so I was playing the game within about fifteen minutes of concerted effort. The first few tutorials for the game were threadbare (as was the original iteration of the game) and hardly of any use to newcomers. Seamus, or Zechs as his character was dubbed, was the one who really taught me how to play the game in earnest. The two of us made our characters and dove into the introductory quests (of which they were many) and collected our first weapons and armors. Zechs designed a Photon-Breaker which was the middle-of-the-road standard damage/speed class with no major strengths nor weaknesses. The first line of quests are what one might expect – a greeting some some plot-moving NPC who gave us some idea of location – Strattburg as that is where all adventurers begin the game. “Welcome, brave heroes of a far-off land!” the village elder prompted us as we loaded in, “To Strattburg! Where big adventures start! We thank you for coming to us in our hour of need! We have reason to believe you're the chosen ones we've awaited all this time!” “Never mind the millions of 'chosen ones' running around the server already,” Seamus chuckled over the voice chat. “Yeah, running around spouting poorly-spelled memes and lagging the damned server down with not moving their characters out of the load zones,” I clicked my tongue dismissively. “Our first quest is to kill some random monsters just out of town,” Seamus explained, “Seems standard enough!” We formed a two-man party and went out into the grasslands, where random crow and mouse-like enemies passive nibbled at the scenery. The scenery was the idyllic hamlet one found in traditional fantasy, with pleasant breezes making the grass sway around and the monsters here largely ignored players until provoked. On the one hand, I felt a little sociopathic for just massacring these creatures with a colossal warhammer, but on the other, if some random, faceless, nameless NPC tells me it's for humanity's collective benefit and offers payment, who am I to argue with them? Time wore on into the early hours of the morning. “Ah, this has been fun, but I need to get to bed,” Seamus admitted, due in some part to him being in a different time zone than I. “I'm gonna stay and grind a few more levels,” I explained, “I think the town is tapped for quests for now, so where should I go to power-level?” “Well, there's a forest not far from here that most everyone does some fighting in. That should get you started,” he explained simply. “Sounds good. See ya later, dude,” “Yeah, see ya next time, Jake,” Seamus bid me farewell before signing off. As I already said: I worked weird shifts and didn't sleep well at night, so I typically would play well into the early morning and sleep until my shift in the afternoons. So I decided to take my friend up on his advice as I headed into the forest and found the meager squirrel-like Critters small fodder under my tremendous hammer blows. It wasn't particularly fun to pick on the weaklings and I soon set for deeper into the forest for greater challenge. Whereupon I was beaten to near-death by the crazed wolves that lived near the forest's center, necessitating my rescue from some random stranger playing a Loppo woman. Thankfully, I survived the encounter, however narrowly, and soon we were back in the safety of Strattburg, where monsters couldn't spawn in. “Okay, I just wanted to let you know something,” FluffyStar said to me. “What's that?” “Your build is awful. Like, seriously. Did you plan it at all or did you just throw random bits together and hope for the best?” she verbally unloaded, “You should've played a Taurigante or a Zorren,” “Whoa, hey, c'mon. I had a strategy!” I swiftly protested. It's not that I couldn't change classes – players can do that any time they want so long as they're okay with starting said new class at level 1 again – it's that I didn't want to. “Was the strategy dying and not making any real progress?” she jabbed again, “Have you even played this game before?” “Literally, not before today,” I confessed my ignorance, “I thought the dexterity and luck of the Loppo would help me with the heavy weapons Bunkers wield and not make my build so loppo-sided,” I quipped. “I...” she began again before pausing to consider it, “That's not a bad idea, I guess. It's not really meta material, though. Maybe it's an experiment worth conducting... not sure I've seen it done before,” “Okay, so yeah,” I desperately attempted to float my side of the conversation, “Let me run my experiment with a little less venom, yeah?” “I don't have any poison weapons, sorry,” FluffyStar offered. I was kind of at a loss on that one as I couldn't tell if she was serious or not, “Maybe you'd like some assistance in level grinding?” “Sure. Can't sneeze at someone as powerful as you helping!” I chuckled. As any gamer worth their salt would attest: the greatest rewards in an RPG are loot and experience points. Quests being the best through-line to this end, most players end up staying more or less on the railroad that is the early story missions. Fortunately, for nerds like me who find the storylines in MMORPGs interesting, it also included storyline quests that taught us about the world, which I enjoyed completing and reading about. Seamus actually blew well past where I was because I wanted to read their flavor text and learn more about the game world, and he just wanted to hit things with his sword. Before I knew it, FluffyStar and I had played well into the morning and sleep started to overcome me. “This has been fun,” I relented, feeling the weight of my eyelids as I typed into the game's text chat window, “But I need to crash,” “Will you be on tomorrow night?” FluffyStar pried. “Yeah, probably. After I get back from work, I will,” “Great,” she punctuated, “Let me add you to my friends list, so I can see when you arrive,” Ah, the dreaded social systems these games are known for. Elegant in their simplicity and yet sufficient enough to drive those like my good buddy Dieter berserk with fury. Slidelands has many to its name and pioneered many – shall we call them – intricate systems into the core mechanics of the game as a result. Put bluntly: you were not expected to play this game as a lone wolf against all odds. Because of the game's heavy social bent, enemies scale slightly faster than their in-game level suggests, forcing players to team up or be unable to keep up with the progression in difficulty and this infuriated some of my close friends, namely the aforementioned Dieter and another friend, Cog. Who is Cog? Well, he thankfully avoided the fate that we did but not for the best of reasons. He actually played the game a few years before us, whereupon he played the robot race – the Teknos – and discovered that their crowd-dispersal Chaingun Riptide ability could be used to attack fellow players, even if they were in safe zones. So he, having grown bored within his first few minutes of play, parked his character in a field just outside of Strattburg's safe zone and killed unsuspecting new players as they left for 30 minutes – before the server admin banned him for life with no chance at appeal or refund. Not a week later, a hotfix patch went live, removing the Teknos from the game entirely, accompanied by an apology from the game developers and a small cache of Platinum Gems – the premium currency the game uses. Far as I know, it was the only time content was actually removed from the game. But I digress. “Thanks,” I said, seeing Fluffy's name appear in the roster alongside of Zechs and Deegal's, “I appreciate the tutelage,” “I'm just saying: it's not too late to go back and make a better-optimized tank race character,” Fluffy cautioned. I chuckled, “And do the same thing everyone else is doing? Where would the fun in that be?” “You only play for fun?” “Sure do. Isn't that what everyone does?” I offered. “Never thought of it that way before,” she responded after a brief moment of dead air. I didn't really take it to heart, as I was already half-dead with fatigue. The next day went by like oh so many others, coping with my job and commute, before returning home again to my computer. My beautiful hardwood desk and custom-ordered PC tower each cost me a mint in their own respective days. Together, they made up the centerpiece of my tiny studio apartment, and where I spent almost all of my time not dedicated to my eight-hours-a-day grind. And I take this time aside to say that that's not strange or pathetic at all. Shut up. In days to come, FluffyStar taught me just how complex the game actually was in its wellspring of potential customization and timesinks of grinding levels and growth trees and individual talent skills and much more. Not to mention the minigames. In what seemed like no time at all, she even invited me into her guild – The Night Owls. Being part of a guild – particularly one as active as The Night Owls – is really quite the experience. You never look far for parties (teams of up to six players who share all dropped exp and loot) and you end up developing some really cool strategies with others – a tendency Dieter referred to as “slightly more preferable than a violent death by rusty guillotine”. And here I thought I didn't much care for the company of others, but the owls took me in as one of their own. Well, sort of at any rate. “Whoa,” said one nearly-naked avatar as he eyeballed my towering, heavily-armored hero, “This isn't meta-standard at all!” I was as intrigued by his design as he was by mine, but for different reasons. His character was a nearly nude Floof clan male (the first I'd seen in my playtime), clad in a questionable banana hammock, a flowing, pink silk scarf, and a plush doll of a blue whale sitting atop his mane of dark hair. While idling, the character, NeekuthePantsless, would fold his arms across his chest and grin smugly, his long, bushy tail switching from side to side proudly, as if aware how indecent he appeared to be and basking in it. “This game is primarily player versus environment,” I protested, “How is there even a metagame at all?” “How can you even ask something like that?!” Neeku was astonished and annoyed at my exceeding ignorance (or sheer reluctance) on the topic of turning a video game into algebra homework, “The tank meta is so yesterday. Get with it, Windows! Everyone knows the current meta to beat is ProDoZoa!” I was relieved that, being physically removed from this number-crunching scrub, they were unable to hear my deep sigh that carried with it my intense distaste for meta-gamers, e-sports, and speedrunners of all stripes. I returned with an emotionally neutral, “Oh?” “Proton-Dozer Zorren Dual-Wielder,” FluffyStar interjected, “It's the highest physical DPS class in the game so far!” “Right, because just having the 'best' stats makes a game fun, right?” I growled my reply with disdainful, but equally-unseen keystrokes, “Gimme a break,” “He doesn't even know the ProDoZoa meta, Fluffy, are we sure we want this guy in the guild?” Neeku observed, either unaware or unbothered by my seeing it in the public chat. “It's an interesting experiment. I'm curious to see how strong he can be with it,” FluffyStar shook her head coolly, her long rabbit ears waving side to side limply as she did so. Neeku shrugged at this, “Okay. So, what level are you at, Window-man?” “Currently, I'm level 32,” I explained. In a way I sort of felt as though I was boasting. Most games of this type maintained levels that capped out at 80-100, so being one-third of the way through as quickly as I was even with my casual play style made me a little smug. “Oh geez,” Neeku worried, “We got... quite a ways to go then,” Feeling my pride called into question I had to ask, “Wait, so, what level are you guys?” Looking above them, I saw their nametags and basic stats appear in turn. FluffyStar, Neutron Drifter, Level 11,847 NeekuthePantsless, Electron Despoiler, Level 498 “What the actual hell?” I grunted as I re-read the numbers to ensure I hadn't lost my mind. I hesitated as I considered what I was looking at. I had seen the oft-repeated memes concerning just how grind-heavy SlideLands was, but this seemed incomprehensible. You can level your character, your skills (of which there are an insane amount), your subclasses (which also tie into skills to some extent), late-game armor and weapons, pets, and more, but to have a five-digit level cap? And who's to say at this point that it isn't higher than that?! My pride sufficiently deflated at this, I resumed typing, “I see. You must really like this game,” “That I do,” FluffyStar affirmed. “You're not allowed to do raid boss battles until you're at least level 100,” Neeku informed me, “So, how about I take you out to the Glass Desert and get you up to snuff. If you're going to insist on that suboptimal build?” “I insist,” I grit my teeth. My actual teeth – the set he couldn't see, obviously. “Ugh. But... the meta!” Neeku whined at me. “Neeku, just do it,” FluffyStar insisted. “Fine, fine. Follow me and, whatever you do, do not aggro anything,” Neeku demanded of me. “Glass Desert? I thought I couldn't go into really high-level plates though?” I wondered aloud as we walked. “If you're in-party with someone of a high enough level, I can taxi you to some places you'd otherwise be unable to go on your own. Of course, there are some hard limits. You couldn't get to half the places Fluffy can go, even if she tried to take you there herself. But we'll get this little power-leveling session out of the way and maybe you won't hold us back too much,” Neeku explained. I struggled to discern if I was supposed to be offended by that or not. “Thank you,” I managed. So we went, a plate far to the west of Strattburg's, where I got tucked into a small corner of the map, hidden in the shadow of a rock outcropping amidst the sand dunes. My character stood by idly as, within seconds, I had suddenly jumped several levels all in one go as Neeku's character deftly wiped out monster after monster. All common-tier, of course, since we didn't want to go anywhere that would put me in real danger. In SlideLands, monsters appear in one of five basic tiers: Common, Named, Boss, Raid, and Mega Raid. Common enemies – as the name might suggest – were the ones you would encounter commonly, whereas Named enemies spawn randomly amidst their common brethren for sudden bursts of challenges. Boss monsters usually sat in preset locations on the map and awaited challengers and usually were taken on in full parties of five or six heroes. Raid monsters were super-bosses, residing only in the game's toughest challenges: the dungeons. Raid monsters are much stronger than any other type even if they share the same level – as the name implies several teams full of adventurers pour in their collective skills to defeat these sorts of dungeons and their respective Raid-Boss monsters for high-tier loot. Mega Raids, at this point, I had only seen video of online and they require hundreds of active, high-level players to coordinate fairly well to defeat. Meanwhile, the common practice Neeku had begun undertaking with me, power leveling, was often done to build up new characters to expedite the process so they can play with their friends. My exact feelings on this are a bit mixed, due to my actually appreciating the lore of the game, but at the same time – a leg up this mild couldn't possibly make that big a difference if the max level were something obscene like 99,999 or something even greater than that. In no time, I crested level 200 and Neeku had grown bored with making short work of the local wildlife – and I had grown equally so with this exercise. “Alright, now, take that extra gold and buy yourself better armor. With that, you should be... passable, at least,” Neeku relented his first unambiguous praise upon me and my rabbit-man. “I appreciate the boost,” I admitted. We began making movements towards the exit, but the world around us began to shake, “Wait, what's that?” “We need to run, rookie!” Neeku demanded. “What's happening?” I asked again. “You weren't pushing anything this whole time, right?” “Right, but why?” “It's an anti-idle boss! Damn, I forgot about those!” Neeku hurriedly explained. I'd later learn that, in order to stop excessive camping in certain spots, players who sat in inactive states for long spans of time without any actions taken would summon unusually powerful boss creatures to weed them out. This was apparently a conscious decision to help with server load balancing and to punish idlers and, presumably, people who were doing precisely what we were doing. My mind raced with possibilities: being in the desert biome meant that it was likely something tough, but stylized – perhaps a giant scorpion would be fitting? Or for more of a fantasy flare, it may be a dragon with cacti growing from its hides, I considered. Perhaps the dev staff were fans of British comedy and we'd soon be accosted by a giant, bloodthirsty desert hare. But to my surprise it was none of those things. “Is that a giant crab riding on the back of a giant turtle?” I managed to hastily type in, “Do you need help with this?” “Damn! The King Crustaseanoid and his Regal Terra-pinner!” Neeku declared, “I'll be honest with you. I'm not sure even I got this one, newb!” “Actually, that should be a Queen Crustaseanoid. Male crabs have a triangular shell on their underbelly, while this one is rounded,” I observed. “That's... really not helping!” he took the time out to turn his character to stare mine down coldly. “Sorry,” “Alright, dumbass, stand back and try not to piss anything else off in the meantime!” Neeku ordered, brandishing a strange set of orbs attached to a long staff that I figured must be his weapon of choice. Neeku's avatar whooped with delight as he began bashing the legs of the turtle monster as I backed a safe distance away and quickly took in what new abilities I had unlocked in my sudden leveling-marathon to see if anything I had could help. “Eat balls, turtle!” Neeku challenged, causing me to glance up from my submenu to eyeball this sad, strange man who was really holding his own quite well despite his initial hesitations. After watching this go a bit and seeing that he was easily winning the damage race, I began to relax – this was well in hand despite the strange taunts he issued the idle boss. However, my calm demeanor was shattered when, upon seeing the turtle's HP hit 0, which should have brought the fight to a close, the crab leaped down from its perch and began attacking Neeku – and doing a ton more damage than the turtle could have dreamed of doing. “This is precisely what I was afraid of!” Neeku declared, “I'm running low on Spirit. I'm using it faster than I'm regenerating it! Hope you're ready to see what dying looks like in this game, newb!” A sharp, jabbing feeling crept up within me. It was, technically, my fault we were in this mess. I had to do something. Then I noticed it – an ability in my submenu. Black Iron Castle – a defensive technique that renders the user both invincible and immobile for 8 seconds and draws all nearby enemies' hostility (commonly called aggro) to the user. My class, the Bunker, had just the tool for the job after all. “Hey, Neeku! On my mark, make a run for it!” I ordered, as I watched his health swiftly falling. “You got a plan?!” he shot back. “Something like that, yeah,” I typed as quickly as I could. The cooldown on the ability was a devastating 12 minutes. In terms of active-time combat, that was several eternities atop one another. We'd have one shot to do this just right and if Neeku hesitated at all, the body count would still be two. “No time like the present then!” I declared, “Run, Neeku!” I said, watching my character take on a dark hue and a metallic sheen. I lost the ability to move or use other abilities, but it worked like a dream: the crab lost all interest in the near-dead Neeku and turned to my hero, slashing with its massive pincers as a long string of zeroes appeared above his head, the damage failing to find a home. I admit I didn't have a plan past that. The Bunker only does two things particularly well, and that's anger enemies and take hits. With this handy new tool in my kit, I was at least able to repay Neeku his kindness and cut the casualties in half. As soon as it hit me, maybe even just the one time, I would die. I'd lose anything in my public pouch – a large bag where dungeon loot is placed prior to the player being able to hide it safely in a permanent storage or bank – and half the gold on my character, on top of a small cut to my gained experience points and lastly, be whisked away the nearest cathedral to respawn and begin again. Granted, that would be pretty much every item I had that wasn't currently equipped and quite a bit of time's worth of gold, but I resolved to think better of the situation. I helped someone, so the goal I set out to accomplish was complete. I folded my hands across my stomach and leaned back in my chair and awaited the inevitable. However, much to my surprise, the inevitable never came. I glanced up again after the time for the buff expired only to see a dead crab, upside-down and legs crumpled inward like a squashed spider. My adventurer was very much alive. I leaned towards my monitor to study what had changed, only to see FluffyStar coolly walk into the scene once again. “That was close. I wasn't sure my EarthRock Magnum would kill it completely in one hit, but it did!” she 'said' in the chat, “Are you two okay?” “We are now,” Neeku observed. Letting out a small sigh of relief, I typed back at last, “Yeah. Thanks again!” “Don't mention it. You're a Night Owl in your own right now!” Fluffy commented. The adventure for the evening more or less ended not long after that encounter. Neeku went around the guild building – a space players create and customize for their guildmates – telling everyone about how he toppled an idle boss with only a minor lift from Fluffy. Somehow in his retelling, my saving his nearly-naked butt was left out, but I didn't feel the need to correct him. Tanks and supports don't fill the roles they perform for glory, fame, or adoration – that's what bastard DPS players do. It wasn't long after that our once tight-knit crew began to come apart at the seams. It happened shortly after Fluffy up and disappeared after boasting about her conquest of some high-level quest. One by one, our players began to wander off. Unfortunately, so did I. I got a new job that paid better and had more consistent hours, but it forced me to work mornings, so I rarely got the chance to see anyone from back then. Before I knew it, I sort of fell off from playing the game entirely. There were other games to play, other social groups I interacted with, and other obligations for me to handle. I even had a date set for one particular weekend. I would tell you how it went, if only I had been in attendance myself. I didn't stand her up, though. I woke up one morning, lying at the far edge of a ramshackle town. I stood up slowly, encumbered by the presence of heavy-duty solid steel plate armor covering my every side. Which is strange as I shouldn't need to clarify that I have never in my life slept in such garb. I looked down at my hands, which were massive and covered in equally massive metal gauntlets. I placed one to the side of my head to check for injury but grabbed ahold of a colossal bucket-styled helmet shielding it. I took a step back, physically shocked as the realization fell on me. I looked around me at what was unmistakably Strattburg. The NPCs were there. The random adventurers from all the different clans were present and accounted for. Even the random chickens which used to be background objects clucked merrily along their way as they pecked at the ground in search of feed. “No, this isn't real,” I whispered to myself. I closed my eyes, attempting to will myself awake from this lucid dream I found myself in. Then opened them to see the fantasy land again. I was aware of my own breathing, and my avatar's gear, and the uncomfortable truth of the situation made itself known to me: I was trapped in an MMORPG.

[trolloled]

Big List of Fantroll Facts from Hiveswap

This is all pulled straight from the game with 0 (or attempted 0) bias from me or @peckonthecheek​

We have both played the game so I can verify several things on the list. Most of the information comes from @peckonthecheek​ who exhaustively did everything in the game and recorded useful information.

If you want to add to this post, feel free to screenshot what you want to add and send it to me!

Land - Alternia consists of 4 - 5 continents and is mostly covered by said land.

Language - Alternian is distinct from English, trolls at least write in Alternian. It is read from LEFT to RIGHT and every symbol in its alphabet can be directly translated back to an English letter.

Drones - Weak point is in its torso. Drones can burn down hives and just take away random trolls for whatever reason.

- They can also fly and fire missiles.

Lususes (Yes that’s correct) - One species of lusus is the Cuspidated Grimalkin, (A deercat) which prefers to bond with brownbloods with leadership aptitudes. If a Grimalkin loses its charge (Fairly common) it will try to find a new troll to adopt. This is highly illegal.

- Another species of lusus is the Supplikatydid, which resembles praying mantises

- There exist several books on the various species of lususes.

- Lususes have blood colors and tend to bond with trolls of certain bloods

- Sloth lususes (GLACIAL TREETRUDGER) are pretty uncommon

- Lusus can be referred to as a pet/dad

- Multiple of the same types of lususes exist

Powers - Redbloods share telekinesis and speak-with-dead powers as a caste, brownbloods share animal communion powers

- Telekinesis - no matter how weak - can erase data off of discs easily

- Overexerting powers can cause exhaustion, nosebleeds, headaches

Stickball - This is gonna be huge so just. Bear with it.

- There are several leagues depending on area - There’s some sort of piece known as a CLOVER - Positions include PUSHER, BRAWLER, PROWLER, ZAPPER - Played on Velvet - Two pieces called a DOZER (Ball) and a SNOWGLOBE (Ball) - Burgundies often play PUSHER due to their telekinesis and ability to talk to the dead players - PUSHER is the most dangerous position - No one cares if a rustblood dies due to the danger of the position - Some HAZARDS - MATCHTIP - burns you - ZAPPER - blasts you - LUSUS - controlled by opposing (brownblood) Wranglers - Only unbonded lususes are allowed (Can be friendly, neutral, or opposing) - Each ball (DOZER, STITCHER, TRACER, FINISHER, SNOWGLOBE) has its own effect (There are 15 total) - Cuebats (the tool that the PUSHERS use) are made to be hard to bend with their telekinesis - It's okay to use someones torn off leg or other weapons found on the playing field as improvised weapons - but illegal to bring in your own!  - DOZER puts you to sleep if you touch it with your bare hands - STITCHER is a ball of yarn that has to be rolled up before it can be used to score - TRACER will try to follow the path it was taken the match before - FINISHER will only move in a predetermined path to the goal. - If your tryout is bad enough, you CAN get culled  - Rustbloods caught cheating in Arena Stickball will "get culled before they can blink"  - SNOWGLOBE - 8-BALL, rigged with a nuclear bomb that explodes after a set amount of time. - Controllers are often bluebloods (Cerulean?)  - Lususes are used in this sport - they can be friendly, neutral, or opposing - Aren't allowed to be fed, though - Sloths are not commonly used in AS due to their slowness - PUSHERs are the only players allowed to score (And are thus prime targets) - PUSHER helmets are designed to leave the forehead exposed for their    Psychic Powers, however this is a weak point and why they die a lot. - There is a team called the SNOWGLOBES - Xultan Matzos was a PUSHER - very famous - If the heiress attends a match, you are “encouraged” to kneel the entire time - Not following the rules proper will get you culled - Couches are MADE of FABRIC  - PUSHERS are advised to rely heavily on telekinesis - THE MAN ON THE MOON (White, non-scoring ball) cannot be interacted with by PUSHERS. It radiates a feeling of pernicious intent (to Xefros, at least)

Lowblood life:

- Having leadership aspirations is illegal and grounds for execution.

- Suburbs (Subgrubs) are segregated by caste.

- It is mandatory to buy what the heiress is selling.

- The bus system is infrequent and unreliable ("engineered to prevent caste mobility")

- Sometimes (Most times for lowbloods?) jobs are involuntary and assigned

- There is a LOT of class struggle and oppression

- There is, quote “Forced participation in keeping that oppression running smoothly.”

- Have to practice your profession before the TRIALS or you'll get culled

- Demanding a refund as a lowblood can get you culled

- Even uttering rebellious sentiment and promoting it could lead to your execution

- It's Imperial mandate that rustbloods are kept poor - they're not allowed to have more than the bare minimum to scrape by

- "Almost all" rustbloods end up as butlers 

- If a lowblood (read: redblood) makes a name for themselves and succeeds too well, they are liable to be humiliated and culled.

- Heiress will and can make a spectacle of your death in public

- Dreaming of destroying things associated with the heiress can get you killed

- Circular discs are a luxury, if you can't afford them, you get hexagonal ones

- There are sections of magazines that are illegal for lowbloods to read (???)

- Good pizza toppings are reserved for highbloods

- Lowbloods either get instaculled in raids or snatched up for later

- Mostly to be killed as a highblood spectacle

- Lowbloods can get culled for anything and everything or no reason at all - Anyone who disobeys the heiress gets rounded up and enslaved or slaughtered - Slavery is a thing (especially for rustbloods)

- The heiress hates aliens and lowbloods

- Your money is monitored by the government to keep you poor. (Probably).

- Scythian (Troll version of Amazon) always takes forever to deliver to lowbloods

Highblood Life:

- SLAM OR GET CULLED prevents voting from lususes, unless you're a highblood, and then you can have your lusus go on stage and eat everyone, if you want

- Highbloods generally can get away with a lot.

- Indigos (Blue?) care where the silverware goes (tend to "crush anything they pick up anyways")

- High society dinners often involve bluebloods (Pranking during this time often gets you culled)

- Chucklevoodoos are a subjug thing - not a purpleblood/Gamzee thing (Typically these involve dreams and the subconscious) - Heiress has a lot of servants, literally eats off of gold plates

- Violetbloods are considered royals: They can get published anywhere and tend to write lots of reviews about everything (Their hatred for lowbloods, what they just ate), most reviews are by them and they are especially disgusted by rustbloods.

- Heiress has a court of highbloods and a drone army

FLARP:

- They have FLARP editions based on spies, espionage, and rebellion - FLARP editions have fatigue rules in them involving SOPOR SLIME - There is a FLARP class called ESPIACROONER - It is permitted to use your telekinesis and other psychic powers in FLARP  - Need a game grub in order to play FLARP! 

Miscellaneous (Everything else):

- There is a city named THRASHTHRUST which contains the subgrub called OUTGLUT

- Swinging a weapon at an image of the heiress will bring a drone down upon you near instantly.

- Trolls sleep in recuperacoons due to the "violent and troubling impusles" they have - Sopor is very physically and mentally draining - Can injure trolls further if they sleep in the sopor while injured. - Gotta shake off some of the slime to completely wake up (?) - There are chairs with sopor slime in them, made to relax in (See below) - Sopor slime in close proximity to a troll helps them to relax - Eating sopor slime makes you dumb though 

- Sopor Slime keeps powers in check while they are asleep.

- SLAM OR GET CULLED can end in “relatively certain death” for the losers

- There is an interplanetary warsong titled  "If You Aliens Were Not Meant To Die At Our Hands, Why Are You All So Pitifully Incapable Of Defending Yourselves?!"

- There are Illegal parts of History! Censorship is REAL!

- Protest art exists (Videogames are considered art?)

- Video game controllers dies from starvation. Once they die, the mother console lays a new one.

- Crack open a controller for game grub - pus gets everywhere

- There have been multiple heiresses, but only one is alive at a time

- Interfaces can be designed with psionics/telekinesis in mind

- Jostling sopor is good housekeeping (?)

- Magazine titles: Arena Stickball Illustrated, Grubs Diurnally, Talentless Nobodies

- RITES OF MATURATION: Occur around 7 sweeps, involve Trials, decides your future. Nothing is known about them beyond this, not even whether it means you instantly leave the planet. Trolls are expected to TRAIN FOR THESE.

- Putting inorganic material in a grubslurry activator is begging for death

- Eating raw eggs is bad for trolls and gives them parasites - Trolls have benevolent and benign parasites

- Troll pupils are kind of reflective like a dog - they reflect white, though!

- They create their hives when they are freshly pupated, CARPENTER DRONES ENFORCE THIS.

- Typing Quirks are very personal for trolls! - Close friends and quadrants can imitate them sometimes - Only two fuschiabloods - Heiress and the Queen. Both are seadwellers - Queen is far away  leading conquests in other galaxies, she is known to be incredibly powerful

- THERE ARE NO (0) (ZERO) ADULTS ALLOWED ON ALTERNIA. NO EXCEPTIONS EVER.

- Adults are sent off-planet for their ORDEALS when they come of age

- Quadrants are Fated? (???)

- All text communications and conversations are subject to monitoring by the government.

- Trolls do not meet aliens until they’re off-planet, where they conquer them.

- The caste system is highly important.

- Trolls clean their floors with mucus (?)

- Calendars exist with celebrities on them!

- There is a month named CULLUBRE

TROLLIAN TERMS HIVE - House POWER HEXAGRID - Power grid? LUSUS - Caretaker beast SUBGRUB - suburb STEMCLUSTER - City OMNISCUTTLECOACH - Bus SCYTHIAN - Amazon but not FLARP - LARP but deadly RESPITEBLOCK - bedroom GANDER PRECIPICE - balcony ARENA STICKBALL - a sport! WAREGRID STUDYSCROLL - Looks like a placemat that you study for tablesetting MEGAFORK , MICROFORK , KNIFE FORK, "FOOLS FORK" - Several types of forks SMASHSUIT - stunt gear "SLAM OR GET CULLED" - American Idol but deadly RECUPERACOON - bed SOPOR SLIME - sedative slime that trolls sleep in RAKE PRONG, BILESCOOPER - Utensils 12TH PERIGREES EVE - assumedly christmas SCOURDRAY - Maid. Cleany. Thingy. RESIFLUID - Floor Cleaner SMEARSPINNER - Floor waxer CUEBAT - PUSHERS tool in ARENA STICKBALL FLAVOR DISC - pizza WET CHITIN SACK - ??? XULTAN MATZOS - Famous STICKBALL player BOBBLENUG FIGURINE - Bobblehead RECESSED TABLETOP ARENA STICKBALL - foozeball but not THRASHTHRUST SNOWGLOBES - ARENA STICKBALL League team SPORT OF LORDS  - ??? SPLAYSAC - beanbag filled with SOPOR SLIME CHAIRBAG - beanbag GAME GRUB - videogame CASTE SYSTEM - a system of oppression by blood - rust is lowest, fuschia is highest. ROYGBIV NUGBONES - Skull GRUBFLECKS - a type of cereal SCOURBRISTLE / SCOURBRISTLING - Mop/Mopping? Alternatively Broom/Sweeping CHITIN-RIDGER - goes to the right of the cuebat STICK-JAMMER - thumbtack DROMED BAKTAR - famous stickball player LOUNGEPLANKS - sofa CRISPRANGE - stovetop GRUBSLURRY AGITATOR - used to aggrivate some grubslurry GRUBSLURRY - made to be aggrivated HUSKLOAF - meatloaf BILESLAW - probably coleslaw : / GRUB-SAUCE - its a sauce UNRANGED CLUCKBEAST OVA - uncooked eggs? ACID TUBES - probably intestines given the context GRUB JUICE HYDRATION CYLINDERS - cans of grub juice GRUB JUICE - drink to restore psychic powers WRIGGLING DAY - birthday WIPES - a measurement of time. RITES OF MATURATION - a series of TRIALS and potentially ORDEALS that happen around 7 sweeps SMEARGUNK - cleans floors - is used with smearspinner GLACIAL TREETRUDGER - Xefros' Sloth lusus! ZIGZAG INCLINE - stairs GASTRIC EVACUATION GLAND - The uvula TUBEFLORA SHAVINGS - Banana Slices (Maybe, unconfirmed) LAWNRING - Yard SUPPLIKATYDIDS - Praying Mantis Lususes ORDEALS - gone through by adults. May be a part of the RITES OF MATURATION? CRUEL-AID - Kool-aid CUSPIDATED GRIMALKIN - deercat lusus of Dammeks GUTTERBLOOD - a term for lowbloods THROTTLEMOTH - Just a moth BELLOWSACS - Lungs SCENTBULB - Nose

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 16 Extravapalooza

Between my beloved Patriots being officially eliminated from postseason consideration and my meticulously cobbled together fantasy team being summarily dispatched in the second round of my league’s playoffs (thanks a bunch, Russell Wilson), Week 15 really did a number on my enthusiasm for the remainder of the 2020 NFL season. But, I chose to undertake this weekly feature prior to Week 1, and by gorry I’m gonna power through this ennui and see it through to the end because that’s what a blogger does. I should be allowed to jump the line for the COVID-19 vaccine, honestly.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today. 

EARLY GAMES

Atlanta Falcons at Kansas City Chiefs (-10.5)

At some point all of these ridiculous blown leads and losses have to completely break the psyche of the Falcons, right? Was last week the final straw? I have no idea, but maybe! The Chiefs have been letting teams hang around in the bulk of their games lately, and my beautiful boy Clyde Edwards-Helaire is out for a bit, but I think this is the week where they finally open up the throttle and pulverize an opponent into dust. This feeling is based on NOTHING, and you should not lend it any weight whatsoever.

Cleveland Browns (-9.5) at New York Jets

The Jets winning outright against the Rams last week might be the most gobsmacking result I’ve ever seen in an NFL football game. Dare I say the Jets have turned a corner and will be a downright feisty squad in these final weeks of the season? No, I do not dare say that. They’re very likely gonna get rolled by a Cleveland team missing practically its entire WR corps. Hey, since we’re talking about the Browns, now’s as good a time as any to publicly congratulate one of my favorite Clevelanders on his recent wedding engagement: Way to go, dude! I couldn’t be happier for you.

Indianapolis Colts at Pittsburgh Steelers (-1)

Pittsburgh has failed to reach 20 points in any of their last 4 games, and none of those 4 defenses are as good as Indy’s. Big Ben’s season has sort of mirrored Cam Newton’s. They both looked pretty good coming out of the gate when they were totally fresh, but as soon as the bumps, bruises, wear, and tear started piling up their performances fell of precipitously. It makes sense, they’re both gigantic QBs who’ve taken tons of hits throughout their careers, and they’ve both undergone major surgery on their throwing arms. Unfortunately, it seems like they’re both ready for the glue factory. Things could get awkward in the Steel City this offseason if a catastrophically diminished Big Ben doesn’t want to retire and subsequently the Steelers have to weigh the decision to cut a legendary player. Then again, forcing people to do things they’d rather not do would be very much in character for Ol’ Greypeen, now wouldn’t it? 

Chicago Bears (-7.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Aww man, don’t make me choose between my two favorite bad QBs. This is like telling me I can only bail one of my sons out of juvie for the holidays. Do I pick the one who was arrested for stealing a car and joyriding with the sheriff’s daughter (Mitchell), or the one arrested for selling coke to the entire English department at his school, and who was only caught because the husband of the teacher he was sleeping with caught them in the act (Gardner)? I guess I’ve gotta go with Mitchell, since he hangs around with a better crowd and still has a  chance at a successful future. I still love Gardner, though.

UPDATE: The Jaguars are benching Gardner Minshew and going with Mike Glennon again, because they aren’t taking any chances in their pursuit of Trevor Lawrence.

New York Giants at Baltimore Ravens (-10)

The Giants will have Daniel Jones back in the saddle for this one, but all the reports I’m reading are making sure to point out that he’s still dealing with lingering issues in his ankle/hamstring. That...doesn’t seem very good. The Giants are at their friskiest when Jones is able to escape the pocket and scramble, and two weeks ago when a hobbled Danny Dimes tried to give it a go against the Cardinals, it really didn’t go very well. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see some Colt McCoy mop-up duty here, as the Ravens seem to have found their groove a bit over the past three weeks. 

Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans (-7)

I don’t like that I’m picking so many TD-or-more favorites in these early games, but what can I say, we’ve got ourselves a slate of lopsided and crappy games this week. If it weren’t for the Jets, the Bengals would be last week’s most stunning winner after knocking off the Steelers despite only putting up 230 yards of offense. Cincinnati has yet to announce whether Ryan Finley or Brandon Allen will be starting at QB, but c’mon. Waiting on that info is like chugging a quart of spoiled milk and waiting to see which end of your digestive system it’ll be violently expelled from.

LATE GAMES

Carolina Panthers at Washington Football Team (-1)

As of right now, it remains unclear who will be starting at QB for the Football Team. The latest report I could find said that Alex Smith was feeling soreness in his injured calf, and that the team was “less optimistic” about him playing than they were earlier in the week. I’m operating under the assumption that it’ll be Dwayne Haskins. Whoever ends up back there, they won’t have WR Terry McLaurin to throw to, which sucks for them. Beastly RB Antonio Gibson is going to try to play through the turf toe injury that was supposed to keep him out for the remainder of the season, which is admirable, but I’m not sure how effective he can be. It’s hilarious that this positively moribund game has genuine playoff implications.

Denver Broncos at Los Angeles Chargers (-3)

I can’t think of a single fucking thing to say about this game. I really am an East Coast Bojack. Hey, how ‘bout that Anthony Lynn clock management? Pretty bad, right!?

Philadelphia Eagles (-3) at Dallas Cowboys

I don’t like this any more than you do, but Dallas is coming in hot and while Jalen Hurts has been a fantasy football beast and a lot of fun to watch, the Eagles offense in general still isn’t strong enough for me to roll with in a game that feels like a total shootout. I’m sure Andy Dalton won’t let me down!

Los Angeles Rams at Seattle Seahawks (-1)

I’ve gotta think the Rams are gonna come out ready to rock ‘n roll for this one after their spectacularly embarrassing performance against the Jets last week. The inversely proportional relationship between Seattle’s offense and defense is one of the more puzzling aspects of the season so far, as now that they can actually stop people from scoring Russell Wilson has turned into Mitchell Trubisky. Russ is awesome and I think he can get his shit together, but the Rams are too tough an opponent to do it against (unless you’re the Jets, I guess).

SNF: Tennessee Titans at Green Bay Packers (-3)

A nighttime game in Green Bay with windchills in the teens and a chance for snow pitting a pair of Super Bowl contenders against one another? Fuck yeah, this is good football. The Aaron Rodgers-Davante Adams connection has progressed well beyond the bounds of reason and now exists purely in the realm of the supernatural. They are definitely going to cause major problems for Tennessee. My pick is based purely on the Titans ability to chew up game clock by repeatedly handing the ball to literal hellbeast Derrick Henry. I think both defenses are in for a long night.

MNF: Buffalo Bills (-7) at New England Patriots

This is 100% a homer pick. The Bills are rolling and are unquestionably the best team in the division, but I’m banking on the Pats making one last stand of schematic wizardry here to keep the game within a touchdown.

Last Week’s Record: 4-8-1

Season Record: 95-105-7

[nullset2]

Why New 3D Mario Games Suck

Before I go to bed I want to write a quick article about my opinions of Mario games. Ah, Mario games... I will never tire of you. Crisp and clean, to the point and joyfully so. Just jump, mofocka. Games that revel in the concept of moving around, making it inherently fun. Is there more noble of a proposition in gaming? Has there ever been more lucid game design?

Yet, I think that modern Mario games suck.

Like everyone and their grandmother (and if your grandmother plays Mario send her my regards, she's cool as hell, dude) I've been playing Mario 3D All Stars to have me a nice time. However it does reinforce this idea that I've always had, that Mario games, even though they may share the same broad aesthetic values and mechanics, are different from each other by nature. In this article, I propose that this change over time has actually been for the worse, leading to a loss of complexity in platforming game design with each successive iteration which is being traded away in favor of more cinematics and bombastics.

First things first, we have the beautiful Mario 64. A timeless classic and most of us' first foray into 3D games (yes, this was the very first game I ever played where the notion of the third dimension actually mattered. I had already played Star Fox but in Star Fox you don't really move in three dimensions, you're just in a plane going on rails and you cannot move completely freely). I played this before I even touched Doom or other first person games of the sort.

Minor parentheses by the way: did you know that Star Fox was inspired on the Inari Taisha temple? The beautiful, big long mountain shrine in Kyoto full of orange gates?

Fox translates to Inari and its creator, Dylan Cuthberth, who loved Japan a lot, got inspiration from it which he applied to his new bizarre fucking mind bending 3D tech which he then pitched and sold to nintendo and then became the basis for the Ultra 64, which was to come, and thus one of the main pillars of all modern 3D gaming as a whole? Holy shit, right? In Star Fox you cross gates to gain powerups and to make it fun to maneuver around with your Airwing... How come that I had never seen the connection?

But anyway. Back to Mario 64.

It is commonly told that Mario 64 was created by Miyamoto parting from the concept of a "secret garden". Most of the development time initially, it is said, was spent on Miyamoto and Tezuka, Mario creators, fine tuning the movement system in an isolated garden map without any enemies or hazards.

The purpose of the secret garden was threefold: first, the team was used to designing Mario games as 2d platformers and they were uncertain about how to take Mario games into the 3D era (a literal, flat-out equivalent conversion of classic mario, think Super Mario World, powerups and all, was considered at a certain point in development, creating linear, obstacle course stages with a beginning and a goal, the remnants of which still linger in the final game as the bowser stages, an idea which was finally fleshed out with the Mario 3D series on the Nintendo 3DS and Wii U, 20 years later (!)), so they needed a way to hash out ideas about how to design this new installment.

Second, Miyamoto took as one of the goals of the project to design Mario's movement with a supreme level of fidelity, so he'd use this area to test and test and test all of Mario's acrobatics, to make them feel smooth, convincing and entertaining to play. He'd say that as long as a move didn't feel right in the garden, it couldn't be used in the final game, creating in the end as something that feels a little bit like ninja acrobatics on rollerskates or ice skating.

Third, the team eventually realized that, since 3D content was incredibly expensive to create back in 1995, when commonplace computer 3D animation and design was still quite in its infancy, they needed to develop the skill to design little sandboxes which were good enough to run around in over and over without getting tired of them (think of it as if constructing a highly detailed, complex diorama, an idea fleshed out finally in Captain Toad from Super Mario 3D world, again, 20 years later (!)). This was to create more content for the game while reusing the same architecture and geometry for the levels, since resource usage had to be maximized. The remnants of the garden are still present in the final game, as the Castle Grounds.

So, do you see the level of SOUL invested here? The level of care, the amount of love placed into each and everyone of Mario's moves in Super Mario 64? And the results show it: the game allows the player to tackle all objectives at their own pace, in their own terms, however way they can. The game forces nothing down your throat: blast to the island in the sky? Well, maybe just long jump to it if you're gutsy enough, no need to wait until you unlock cannons. Or get the 8 red coins first if you want. Or just fuck it, and go and release the chain chomp first because he looks very cool and this is probably the first power star that all people who play the game get first. Or just, fuck it, you can skip that objective all together if you want, just collect enough stars for the next door unlock.

Jump, double jump, triple jump, dive, dive from jump, punch, breakdance kick, backflip, turn and backflip, long jump, wall jump, grab objects and throw, jump-shortkick, slide down, ground pound, fly from triple jump, swim, crouch... and even crawl. I count a total of 20 possible interactions with the environment, maybe even more I'm missing. All movements completely available to you from the start to mix and match the way you best see fit (except for flying, which is unlocked like 15 minutes into the game). The world is yours and you're free, go nuts son. The only variable is your skill at the movement system.

So you can probably see why this is delicious design. There's never a single way to clear most power stars in the game, instead the decision is left to the player, which the game trusts is smart enough to figure out solutions to problems on their own. Wanna jump for it? Sure, if you can. Want to wait unil you got the powerup? That's cool too. Want to go play another level? Sure thing! OR FUCK IT! JUST RACE THE KOOPA IF YOU WANT!

So you can probably see why I loathe the fact that the sequel was based exclusively on giving people a dumbed down version of the same shit, with a fucking dumb water pack.

Come 2002 and under pressure to perform, the team releases Super Mario Sunshine and it's the most bland, dumbed down sequel ever (though, could anyone really live up to such a predecessor's prowess?). In an attempt to make the game accessible to more players (tm), the game is stripped out of its complexity. Mario no longer moves as a gracious, roller skating gazelle that can navigate the world in the most agile and beautiful way ever. Instead you screech down to a halt the second you stop pushing the direction stick instead of providing people with that most delicious sense of momentum and friction SM64 had. Boo Hoo! Baby think 3D platforming is too hard? BABY CANNOT HANDLE PING PING WAHOO ON THE N64? Then we give babby a water nozzle which will allow them to correct any miscalculated jump ever (it's insulting that this is the best solution they managed to come up with) HOORAY!

But hey! Sunshine has good things about it! Uh... the water is pretty! (that's probably where all the development time and resources probably went anyway).

SAY WHAT? WE GOT TO RELEASE THIS YEAR? AND THEY WANT US TO INCLUDE 120 STARS AGAIN? FUCK! WE RAN OUT OF TIME; JUST ADD BLUE COINS, DUDE! YEAH WHATEVER! SHIP IT! THIS IS THE GAME! I'M GONNA GO LIE DOWN AND HAVE A BEER! FUCK IT!

Mario Sunshine is not a bad game, but it's not a bold, groundbreaking game like its predecessor was. It detests and rejects the fact that you are a competent platforming game player. It nerfs everything down. It makes it almost impossible to lose. It plays things too safe and too easy, replacing action game design with flashing lights, prettier graphics, and an easier experience; it has its moments but it's an inferior game mechanically: jump, double jump, triple jump, hover, rocket jump, turbo run (why), walk on tightropes (why), spin in air (why), spin from ground into high jump, turn and backflip, swim, spray water, spray water and dive, wall jump, ground pound. It's only 16 moves -- less than its predecessor --, and they have less complexity and are easier to execute.

Not only that but you're no longer free to tackle objectives the way you see fit. The world is now a container for several course-clears, and no longer allowing for the freedom of open world games. If you pick Shine 1, you WILL clear shine 1 in that run of the level. If the game wants you to watch a cutscene (of which there were none in SM64), you WILL watch the fucking cutscene. Wash rinse repeat until you get enough shines to clear the lamest end boss in video game history.

Again, it's not a bad game but it reeks of suits getting involved in the process and demanding shit to be made easier because otherwise it wouldn't sell. It reeks of misplaced priorities. It's a pretty game and it's nice for an afternoon, but after that you just have blue coins left and hooooooooooooo weeeeeee I'm not touching that shit. The most asinine side quest I've ever seen in a video game: to find blue coins hidden in random spots, usually by cleaning a spot of graffitti, and exchange 10 of them for a single shine, the collection of which cannot be stacked and forces you to watch a cutscene every time. Reeks of laziness.

Then Mario Galaxy comes out and Jesus Christ. It's like they don't give a shit at this point. Open-world, acrobatics-centric 3D Mario is just fucking gone. This is probably the point where it became cheap enough to make 3D content en-masse that they just started copying the classic Mario formula in 3D to churn out content.

The bad thing, is that at a certain point it feels as if the games play themselves and I've always been against it and will always be against it because I'm into games due to the fact that they're something which engages my brain. I don't like games which just keep me there, passively looking at the screen, reacting to quick time events. I want to be immersed, engrossed and I want to feel that nice sense of exploration and fun experimentation that you only get with open world games.

The games are back to linear now: even though, in Sunshine, they made an effort to at least make things seem open world, they don't care anymore in this one. It's all just linear levels happening in planetoids which you visit in a sequence, to, yet again, remove all hazards and all notion of challenge and complexity, even more than before. And you have to shake the wii remote to spin to top it off, and this gives you a free save if you miscalculate a jump. The galaxy games were extrapolated through the 3D series: Super Mario 3D Land and 3D World (strong candidates for most bizarre title to a video game ever), to form which is called the "course clear" vein of 3D mario games, starting from the Galaxy games.

See, nintendo themselves differentiate between "Course-clear" 3D Mario and "Open World" 3D Mario. Once Super Mario Oddysey got announced, they came out with this interesting infographic about their classification for 3D Mario games:

Don't get me wrong again, there's nothing inherently bad about these types of Mario game, and Galaxy 2 and Mario 3D World are both some of the best video games ever created, but I think that something got lost in transition when compared to the sublime finesse of the movement system in Mario 64. The way it respects your intelligence, the way it drops you in an open world and gives you freedom, the way that its worlds are built, I think that all of this has never been paralleled, not even by nintendo themselves for some reason, and I think the reason why this happened is that, maybe the excellence of Mario 64, quirks and all, was a product of its time and the limitations in production ability for 3d content and graphics that surrounded its creation at the time.

Yet, Lo and Behold! 2017 is here and Super Mario Oddyssey is in the horizon and it promises to be the Next Big Thing (tm) since sliced bread. A TRUE and HONEST return to form, to the Glory Days of Mario 64! And the game is way too enthsiastic with its embracing of Super Mario 64 nostalgia: there's literally a whole level inspired after the Mario 64 castle grounds in Mario Oddysey and the whole notion of absolute freedom from Mario 64 (somewhat) returns (but not completely because you still are subject to doing a main big event per level, after which the rest of the level unlocks; once you clear the game, the second half of the game unlocks even). And the emphasis is back into acrobatics again, which is a good thing: playing with your hat can get you places if you're handy with it.

But my biggest gripe with Super Mario Oddysey is that it's not completely honest as it claims to be. It's a course-clear game hidden under a coat of paint of an open world-game. It's literally Zelda Breath of the Wild's half-assed design all over again: big empty world full of collectibles, with tiny "levels" to be found. Once you find a game, it's time to do a thing --wash rinse repeat. In Mario Oddysey you explore around until you find a pipe or a door or a character and you get plunked into a Super Mario 3D World style course-clear game with additional collectibles. So it's not really the game which it was told to be. The levels don't feel like beautiful dioramas, and the acrobatics, even if nice, are nowhere near as rich as the SM64 acrobatics. There's infinite lives this time around, so there's no real feeling of risk. The game rehashes its own content, you make a tower of goombas, cool. Then you make it again, twice as long. Then you make it again, in the water. Then you make it again, in the beach level. Then you make it again, in the ice level. Then you make it again. Then you make it again, then you make it again...

You could argue that they were onto something with the capture system, because it's an attempt to enhance the movement system while at the same time it's trying to keep things interesting, but the bad thing is that this is really not the case. Captures are contextual, and you're expected to capture an enemy, do something with it, then leave it behind, so it's not a skillset that you build up on, it's yet another course-clear level in a disguise.

So even though it's a good game, it's not the game that it set out to be, I'm sad to say. The Brilliance of Super Mario 64 is yet to be rivaled, and Nintendo should feel ashamed of it. It's been 20 years, man. Where has your mind been all along?

Alright Nintendo, to conclude, here's a freebie for you. This is how you design your next Mario game so it fucking kicks ass: you bring back the SM64 movement system and ADD ONTO IT. Do NOT take away from it, just ADD. Complexity is good in games. All of your fans are fucking 30 year olds, they can handle a complex game.

Next, you develop a vast, broad, massive open world. Think GTA-size. You set up 1200 stars and you place them all over the world in ways where it is EXCITING by itself to explore the world. Make it so people can collect stars at their own pace, ANY WAY THEY WANT, and expand the world accordingly. Keep the Super Mario Oddyssey persistence, where once you capture a moon you don't have to go back to a menu screen, that was a good addition. Embrace the diorama mentality and go nuts with the world. Fill it with waterfalls, caves, chasms, canyons, and provide the player nothing but their acrobatics to clear everything in the world. Avoid pre-scripted sequences (they can still be good for some things like bosses). And make the world seamless, none of this island in the sky thing anymore. Moving around and getting stars should be their own reward, not "getting to find a course clear level".

[skriaki]

A Hat In Time REVIEW - "Unbelievably charming"

PLEASE NOTE: This game has very little story to spoil but I will be talking about the entire adventure, so consider yourself warned

RELEASED: 2017

FORMATS: PC, Mac, PS4, Xbone, Switch (review based on PC and Switch)

I debated long and hard how best to open this review, and in the end I decided that nothing introduces A Hat In Time better than its astonishing soundtrack. Though I’d been aware of the game since before it released, I never actively sought it out until I happened to watch the launch trailer. Not only is the kaleidoscope of levels and characters eye-catching, what stood out as truly special was Pascal Michael Stiefel’s music. The trailer features the game’s main theme, which is striking, energetic and playful, easily one of my favourite videogame themes of this generation, and a perfect encapsulation of everything A Hat In Time is about.

At the risk of spoiling the end of this review, I usually find that the hardest games to critique are the ones I love most. A review of a bad game almost writes itself, because all I have to do is point out the wonky mechanics, or boring story, or the fact that one or more of the developers are bigoted pieces of shit (ION FURY), or whatever. But when I try to sum up my opinion on an excellent game, it’s hard for me to maintain some level of objectivity. So I guess we should all go into this on the understanding that I freaking adore A Hat In Time.

As mentioned, what strikes you first is the sheer, weaponised cuteness that A Hat In Time wields like a sharpened umbrella. I think Nitro Rad put it best when he said the game was just unbelievably charming. How many soundtracks outside of Star Trek prominently feature theremins? Other than a tiny smidgen of slowdown in the larger areas (even on my reasonably beastly PC), ON SCREEN NOTE: THE SWITCH VERSION IS LOCKED TO 30FPS BUT I LOVE THE PORTABILITY it’s an explosion of visual and audio polish that would be impressive from a bigger studio, let alone a developer which originally relied on volunteers. From the moment Hat Kid wakes up in her time-travelling spaceship only to soon find herself stranded on a weird planet populated by surreal characters, the expectations have been set sky-high.

But this tiny quibble didn’t distract me for long, because the opening Mafia Town chapter gives you a bright and colourful seaside town to get lost in, with highlights including a sequence where you pretend to be a ghost and chase a terrified henchman, and an operatic 2D showdown against the mafia boss. I actually think Mafia Town might be the game’s weakest chapter overall, but that’s like being the worst port of Metal Gear Solid 3: still pretty fucking good. Afterwards comes Dead Bird Studio, where you have to help two rival directors film stunts to earn a prestigious award, with particular praise going to the hilarious murder mystery on a train. It’s very neat that the winning director is decided by how many collectables you gather in their respective levels. Then comes the game’s darkest sequence in Subcon Forest, which starts with Hat Kid literally selling her soul to a melodramatic demon who’s probably the standout performance in an entertaining voice cast. One of his levels is a startlingly spooky manor which honestly might be too scary for younger players. Although no game will ever be as scary as that one bit in Banjo-Kazooie (shark clip). Next, however, you get a relaxing change of pace with Alpine Skyline, which subverts the established level structure with a more open-ended village hub which made me think of the original Jak and Daxter. At this point you’ll have most of the hats, which makes it easier to scoop up enough time pieces to unlock the final chapter, which is a single level consisting of some fiendish platforming and a suitably spectacular boss. While the narrative’s sudden attempt to tie unrelated characters together during this last sequence feels a bit forced, I eventually warmed to it as a "look at all the friends we've made along the way" affair. Plus the chapter itself is undeniably climactic, and I couldn’t help get a little emotional when that phenomenal trailer music which I refuse to shut up about kicked in during the credits.

The Gears For Breakfast team have cited 6th-generation 3D platformers like Mario Sunshine and Psychonauts as their main inspiration, which is when 3D games arguably hit their stride, and their game flaunts those influences with pride without being afraid to forge its own identity. Hat Kid is not only adorably cheeky, with an expressive face that reminds me of Wind Waker, she can also jump, dive and walk on tightropes so that the platforming feels precise and forgiving, and she quickly picks up an arsenal of hats which grant various powers. This is one of those collectathons where I suggest speeding through most levels before coming back later with all the abilities unlocked, because some macguffins can seem tantalisingly just out of reach, but won’t actually be accessible without certain hats. All the powers are great, though, and see frequent use, from straightforward ones like the hat that makes you run faster to the one that lets you jump on ghost-blocks. They complement Hat Kid’s default moveset really well and getting a new hat always feels like a big moment. There are also badges, which grant similarly useful upgrades, but you can only equip a few at a time. This is one minor gripe I have: swapping between hats makes sense, because using them all at once would break the game, but some of the badges (such as one that lets you climb walls after a dive) just feel like basic features which make the game worse if you don’t equip them. Limiting how many badges I can use at once just adds a bit of unnecessary faffing about in the pause screen. Pro tip: buy the “no bonk” badge from the creepy merchant straight away and never look back.

From start to finish, I genuinely struggled to find meaningful problems with A Hat In Time. I could have forgiven a lot of problems for the fun and inventive situations the game threw at me, but I never had to. Instead I have to say I found myself wondering when a game had last struck me as being filled with so many little surprises and unnecessary extra touches, including an entire co-op mode that’s apparently a bit buggy but awesome nonetheless. Hat Kid mainly communicates through one-word sentences but stands out in a sea of platformer protagonists because of the obvious love that went into her animation and soundwork, and the game as a whole has an amazingly strong aesthetic. I was genuinely upset to find that the Hat Kid plush toys are currently out of stock. There’s not much of an overarching plot but each chapter tells its own story and feels distinct, and there isn’t any filler content even though you only need 25 out of 40 time pieces to reach the ending. This is definitely more forgiving than Yooka-Laylee, which has yet to let me fight the final boss. A Hat In Time has at least a few challenging sequences for completionists to endure, including a badge that makes you die in one hit if you hate yourself that much, but crucially that stuff is optional if you just want to have an adorable adventure without too much swearing.

I’ve tried very hard in this review not to come across as overly gushing, because no game is perfect and I definitely have a soft spot for ambitious indie projects. As someone who only really heard about the game once it was out, though, A Hat In Time snuck up on me with how impressive it is as a crowdfunded game. Despite the many obstacles described in interviews, Gears For Breakfast delivered a platformer which I honestly hope Nintendo takes a few notes from, given that Mario has had a bit of a monopoly on 3D platformers ever since the genre went out of vogue. Super Mario Odyssey represents the peak of what a big-budget 3D platformer can do, but A Hat In Time is undeniably impressive as a smaller project and I honestly prefer it in a lot of ways, not least of all because it packs so much charm into a small package and introduces the world to an lovable new platformer mascot. Even if Yooka-Laylee disappointed a lot of people, it’s still really cool to see games like A Hat In Time and Snake Pass giving Nintendo some competition again. After years of 8 and 16-bit indie games, there now seems to be a growing nostalgia for games from the early days of 3D, and as someone who grew up around that time, the prospect of new games that revive and improve ideas from that era is obviously thrilling.

Hyperbole aside, probably the greatest compliment I can give A Hat In Time is that it lives up to the standard of quality set by that theme music: beautiful, original and unrelentingly exciting.