#a time back when i was in hs and highly suicidal

[ickadori]

parents can be the worst people in the world

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, please call me yuna. this might be too long so i'm going to split this into 2 asks, i hope that's okay tw's: suicidal thoughts and attempt, general abuse, some detailed descriptions of physical abuse. i just want to vent out and i feel i'm in desperate need of advice. for some info i've been raised by a single dad since i was 14, turning 18 this sept. my dad was never really physically abusive, and he barely insulted my mom. but he had a really hard time regulating his emotions it seems and he couldn't express himself. he was very distant from both my mom and i. so she probably found someone better and left. with me, he was very emotionally unavailable and there was little affection between us, so i conclude my parents had an unhappy marriage. i don't know what caused him to be the volatile dad he is with me. we had eventual arguments and it started with a basic slap as 'discipline'. it escalated overtime. going to dragging me out of my room and beating me until i quite literally passed out. one of my worst memories consists of when he went a 'little too far' and had to take me to the hospital. he forced me to come up with a story where i was targeted by delinquents and how we were pressing charges which was absolute bs. nobody questioned this shit. not even my neighbours. not people who i considered friends. we're barely in contact w relatives. all of this happened during covid, so in complete isolation. all the worst memories took place during covid. i have very, very mixed emotions about him. i know he had a hard childhood, but in the end, he has never apologized for anything. but i think, all these years, he feels guilty, just doesn't know how to express it. like after hitting me, he'd cook for me, try to give me space, even when i fell sick (ironically, from his physical abuse) he took care of me, but he has not once directly apologized. so i can't help but feel it's all superficial. how else would he have the audacity to ask him how i'm feeling as i limped around the fucking house bruised and swollen bc of what HE did? thing is he has a perfect exterior. he earns well, has a great lifestyle and is respected by people. nobody will question him because how can a single dad that provides his kid so much comfort ever be abusive? will continue the rest in my next ask, please reply however comfortable.

His perfect exterior almost fooled me too. He'd try to make good of birthdays, compliment me on good grades, if i asked for something, he'd usually just provide it, but within a day or two i'd be back to being his punching bag. around 2020, i had a suicide attempt a day after he hurt me really badly. my memory around this is fuzzy. i vaguely recall looking at my bruised face and within a few seconds i stopped thinking rationally. i had been showing very visible signs of being in a highly unstable mental headspace, even vocally expressing suicidal thoughts, but it was always dismissed, obviously met with more abuse, and a simple "stop saying such things". he never took them seriously. i'm going to sound really crazy, but i'm glad i did try, or atleast attempt to kill myself, because i saw him express some genuine emotion for me for the first time in years during that. i wonder if i did that out of spite, or if i just had enough. in short, there were complications, he was never charged bc of red-tape procedures, CPS failed me due to 'lack' of evidence and i didn't admit anything nor did he (now that it think of it, i can't believe i never took pictures of the abuse.), and i ended up home again. i've been on meds since that. as for dad, he didn't change as much i thought he would. he didn't lay a hand on me for months, but he wasn't very emotionally supportive, even once asking me why i attempted. you'd think he'd change for his daughter's sake, but i don't think he ever will, fully. there was no all out abuse like there used to be after the attempt, but he still occasionally hit me. when i graduated HS, i told him i wanted to move out, which he did not oppose, this surprised me a lot bc i thought he'd try to hold me back. i'm not sure how to feel about this, and what it means. he texts me sometimes, trying to pretend to care. till date, there is no apology. no explanation for everything. i've been a straight A, well-behaved, and all of it was excused by 'you were troublesome and i simply disciplined you.' here's where i need the advice. even when i'm out now, i don't feel safe. even after my attempt, every time he spoke to me it felt like his fist was hitting my face again. every time he talks to me about remotely anything i feel as if he's driving his knee into my stomach again. i struggle a lot with some sensory issues. my face and head start to hurt, i'm all dizzy and there are sharp pains that run down my ribs and everything. i'm not sure what this is and wud like advice on it. but i suppose it could be depression/ptsd or wtv. i constantly think of cutting him off, but tbh, i'm very, very scared. i'm still scared of him. i'm scared that i stand to lose a chance at building a genuine relationship w him. i made very little friends throughout the years and pushed them all away. he's my only family & support system. i truly want to believe he's trying his best, but i just can't. it's like losing everything i know. even as i'm out of that house, i just can't get to sleep because of the constant nightmares and waking up randomly soaked in sweat. i think i feel very detached and numb from my emotions, i realize i can't express much, either. i fear i'm becoming like him, and i don't like it at all. to conclude, nobody around me currently knows of the abuse. anyone who does has excused it. i'm not suicidal now, but i don't know how long i can keep all of this bottled up, and who would even believe such a perfect man like my dad could do something so horrendous. i'm going to try my best to keep myself together. someone needed to know all of this, and i feel i can express it here. thank you for building such a safe place. i sincerely apologize for the long asks.

Hi yuna,

I'm so sorry about everything you've been through. Please know that none of this is your fault and it takes a lot of strength to come this far so you deserve to be proud of yourself. It can feel impossible to deal with an abusive parent, especially with experiences like yours, and it makes sense to have a complicated relationship with him because of that.

People who fail to acknowledge that your father is capable of abuse and has abused you obviously aren't seeing the full picture. It's not your fault if someone asks something so naive like how a single dad that provides his kid so much comfort could ever be abusive. The answer is complex because so is the situation.

i can honestly see why you were glad you attempted suicide, because it finally seemed to get the attention from your father that you haven't seen in years. But perhaps it's also worth reflecting on the fact that it seems to take a suicide attempt for your dad to show that he cares about you. You deserve so much better than that.

It's common as a survivor to worry that you'll become your abuser, but its important to remember that this worry is the exact reason why you won't. Experiencing normal trauma responses and PTSD symptoms such as feeling disconnected with your emotions doesn't necessarily mean you'll become abusive either.

Regarding the dizziness and pains, I'm not too sure what it could be and I ultimately recommend asking for the advice of a doctor and/or a mental health professional. It could be the way panic or anxiety physically manifests, and it could also be something more medically concerning, so getting a professional's opinion would be best.

Unfortunately it would be unlikely to be able to build a genuine relationship with him because even if it were entirely healthy, the reminders of his unaddressed abuse and the trauma that you live with as a result are inevitably going to remain at the back of your mind. As much as you deserve a healthy relationship with your father, you don't deserve to have any kind of relationship with an abusive father who has never taken accountability. Even if you continued to have some relationship with him, it would likely be superficial and surface level, which to some degree it already seems to be. It makes sense not to be comfortable being closer to someone who has hurt you so deeply and consistently, even if that person is your dad.

Please know that you're not alone, and we are here for you if you need anything. I hope I could help, and please take care.

-Bun

[petri808]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box of people who mean something special to you. Share some happiness 🌺💜

Right now, it’s been tough so the things that make me happy are more like goals.

1) I enjoy writing, but haven’t been able to do much in over a year. So, little by little, even if it’s a sentence I push myself to do something. I’m proud of myself for finishing a secret Santa story on time this year!

2) the friends I’ve made online have gotten me though a lot of the tough times, so please know I love you guys a lot! Getting back to you all helps to motivate me to get better 💜 and I’ll try to pop into Discord here and there when up to it. Oh, and I even got to meet two of you irl this August! You know who you are. That’s something I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

3) related to above is interacting with the fandom. I had to drop out of the nalu blog cause I couldn’t keep up anymore. Giving up sucked, since I’d been doing it since fall of 2018, but it wasn’t fair to everyone else to let it flounder. Seeing it continue makes me really happy.

4) my irl bestie of 27+ years has been living with me for a couple years while their family home is rebuilt after a fire. It’s made me undeniably happy to be able to help her, and her helping me through all the shit I’ve been dealing with. I’m blessed to have such an amazing friend. I’d lost tough with most of our old friends from hs, but this has motivated me to rekindle the relationships.

5) lastly, imma be selfish and say myself cause I’m proud I didn’t give up. 20 years ago this strife might’ve led to suicide, so that means I have gotten stronger. Looks like I just have more information I can stick in a story 🙃lol. Making myself happy is a big motivator.

Even with help, surviving whatever happens to you is ultimately due to your own efforts of not giving up, so Always remember to pat yourselves on the back!

I’m right with you girl 🥹✊ @cstorm86 it’s been a hell of a ride lately, but you’re a survivor! You got this! 💪

I’ll explain why I’ve been MIA from here for so long below.

From spring 2019 to august 2021 so much crap happened with my family. My uncles cancer/death revealed an explosive skeleton in the family closet that left my grandma homeless in November 2019. Neither her surviving kids would take her for selfish reasons so she lived with me. She was doing so well!… but In September 2020 her daughter finally took her, stuck her in a room sending her health plummeting and she died by the following April 2021. The final straw was my mom dying from Covid in august 2021 because my trumpster half-siblings who didn’t believe in Covid brought it home. They’re now all dead to me. I’ve also been having a lot of medical problems on top of this so, in September 2021 I just… cracked… Three psychiatrists, two anti-depressants, one antipsychotic, and two therapists later I’ve finally found a good therapeutic fit. Psychotherapy is tough but I really like it and I think I’ve started the road to recovery. I highly recommend this form of therapy when you need to fully break free from past traumas.

[kazuwhora]

HS SONGS — TOKYOREV

ft. baji, mikey, chifuyu, draken, & kazutora

cw: mention of death, suicide, little bit of angst, (baji and mikey) little bit of fluff (chifuyu, draken, kaz)

summary: short blurbs about the harry styles song I think best matches the character and the context in which it's applicable!

an: inspired by my confessions post and this </3 I highly recommend listening to the songs the characters are affiliated with before/during reading!!

cherry- baji

"Don't you call him baby We're not talking lately Don't you call him what you used to call me I, I confess I can tell that you are at your best I'm selfish so I'm hating it"

BAJI ─ who watches down on you years after his death. who watches the way you laugh, the way you smile, the tears that prick at the corners of your eyes when your partner hugs you when you're down.

BAJI, who watches down on you as your memories of him slowly begin to fade, past traumas and tribulations replaced by sweet tasting souvenirs of love and affection.

BAJI ─ who struggles to move on, because he's afraid of losing the echo of your candied voice that would coo both soft praise and scold at him, afraid of losing the touch of your silky fingers that never hesitated to tend to his wounds.

BAJI, who can't accept that you can't be his in this world, even as your presence at his grave slowly begins to die.

falling- mikey

"What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm falling again And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again"

MIKEY ─ who's broken.

MIKEY, who's alone.

MIKEY ─ who's defeated.

MIKEY, who's hurt you too many times to forgive himself. who's pushed himself so far to the edge in fear of hurting you one more time. who will hate himself every second he finds happiness. who wants nothing more than your love and acceptance for who he is and what he's done.

MIKEY ─ who can no longer look at his reflection and see the boy he used to be, nor can he see the man you need. who knows that no matter how hard he tries he will never match the nature of your soul, will never compare to the joy that emanates from you no matter where you are.

MIKEY, who's last falling thought from the edge is that he will never be what you deserve.

canyon moon- chifuyu

"Quick pause in conversation She plays songs I've never heard An old lover's hippie music Pretends not to know the words And I keep thinking back to A time under the canyon moon"

CHIFUYU ─ who's face turns red when your name is mentioned, who stumbles on his words, who struggles to find an explanation for his emerging nerves sparked from the simplest hint of your presence.

CHIFUYU, who could listen to you talk for hours, who gets butterflies whenever he hears your laugh resonate through the air, who goes to bed with dreams of you and pictures dancing behind his eyes of dancing with you in the middle of the street at 3 in the morning.

CHIFUYU ─ who wants to drive for hours with your hands snaked around his waist, skimming the coastline as the sun creeps below the horizon and the cool air tangles your hair in the wind ─ who wishes he could bottle up these moments and keep them in a glass jar for eternity.

CHIFUYU, who is madly in love with you.

adore you- draken

I'd walk through fire for you Just let me adore you Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

DRAKEN ─ who has dedicated the entirety of his being to worshipping you, and only you. the man, who's emotions are damaged goods, yet still finds a pedestal to set you on with complete devotion to your heart.

DRAKEN, who would kill for you, die for you, change for you. who finds himself aching to his very core at the slightest change of emotion in your face, who is internally begging to see you smile, but will never show it.

DRAKEN ─ who's embrace is enough to heal even the deepest of wounds, who is uncomfortable with physical contact but shares his vulnerability with you just to see you smile and feel the warmth your heart brings to his soul.

DRAKEN, who will finally break down and admit just how much he adores you.

she- kazutora

She's the first one that I see She lives in daydreams with me And I don't know why I don't know who she is

KAZUTORA ─ who's passion has been suppressed, degraded, hidden for so long. who is touch starved, love starved, drunk on this feeling of desire. who barely knows you, who craves your mind, who wishes every night to see you just one more time.

KAZUTORA, who doesn't know what to call this feeling, who has been traumatized and broken by his emotional burdens, who struggles to find the words to define the feelings you evoke from him.

KAZUTORA ─ who finds himself yearning for your gaze, dazed by your beauty, enamoured with the entirety of you, wishing, hoping, praying that he would someday become a man who is deserving of your attention.

KAZUTORA, who shelves you in his daydreams, forever pining for your love.

[soft-sunflower]

Flower of Evil- Episode 7 Thoughts

Okay... so what's up with the whole poor Hyunsoo/Heeseong waking up injured, in pain, disoriented and scared? It's okay. JG pulls it off so well, so I'm totally down with it tbh. Poor man... had no idea where he was, saw a bunch of valuable jewelry, was probably gonna steal it, escape, pawn it so he could get some cash and try to find somewhere to try and live. After all, his f'n roommate just tried to KILL HIM for money! But, for real though... the unfather is freaking me out more and more. WHY is he carrying a tray with bloody towels on it and coming to where HS is...? I'm a little weirded out by that. These unparents give me the willies... Especially the unfather.

Okay, so ummm that lovemaking scene? IT WAS FIRE OK. I mean by kdrama standards, that was WOW and ummm... I'm thinking kdramas might be getting a little bit braver, but omg... here's the thing. It wasn't just sex though... Jiwon STILL loves him. Enough that she wanted all of him. She clung to him. Laced her fingers together to hold onto him and the focus on their wedding rings. This happens a lot. I'm seeing the focus on their wedding rings in many of their scenes often. I feel like this carries some sort of heavy significance. You can tell this is so hard for her, because she's not sure if her husband is a killer or not, but she loves him so openly and genuinely that she even cries while making love to him. She wants him, and she wants a reason to forgive him.

Which brings me to the next part I want to talk about. Where HS is waking up after their night of passion. JW is so tender with him, brushing back his hair. I really truly believe her inner dialogue abut him not having a choice was true. HE HAD NO CHOICE! What could he have done with everyone blaming him and dragging him down and trying to place him in a villainous role he doesn't want?? And there are PLENTY of reasons here that we have yet to talk about to forgive him. This man LOVES you. You are his safe place, for starters. I wonder though, when he wakes up and grabs her hand and looks afraid, if he was having a bad dream. He didn't want to talk about his dream when she asked. It was just a dream. Poor HS. :(

My heart ached when he said "it feels like nothing happened... because nothing changed." He looks so heartbreakingly childlike and desperate, because he wants this to be true. He doesn't want anything to change. He LOVES Jiwon and his daughter. He wants their happy home to continue remaining happy and warm and safe and comfortable, but it's slowly crumbling right before his eyes, and I think deep down, he knows it. The truth will always come out in some way, and as heartbreaking as it is for him, it's happening. His wife is onto him, and at this point, he just might be in denial about this.

The accomplice tape unnerves me. I want to know WHO was on that tape, and it's clear that it's unnerving Hyunsoo also. He could hear the clanging sounds in the background... Sounds from his father's shop? Something else? We saw the cymbol from during his exorcism. Is there a chance that the accomplice could be the village head? I don't know. Village Head, teams up with Do Min Seok, helps aid in his serial killings and then after Min Seok's "suicide" (maybe the village head killed him?) takes in the kids and tries to make himself look like a good man when in reality he is not, and then goes and gets himself killed by Haesu? Or maybe there is a third party involved? Ugh I don't know! I do know this. There's more to the village head than meets the eye and I NEED to know what he's done to these people. Also, the way Haesu reacted to the TV station playing it's bit about the village head's murder? The flashback of the murder weapon, skirt and legs? Hmmmm... REALLY fishy, and I've felt off about that girl for a bit now. I THINK she did it...

Okay, the next part I want to go over is Hyunsoo as a child being questioned by the counselor... that child looks absolutely miserable and depressed. If he were my son, I would've had him in appropriate treatment and not instantly believing he's capable of murder. If you notice him, he looks reluctant to answer... almost as if he were FORCED to say he did these things. Forced, brainwashed, threatened... I don't know. Did he throw the dog in a well? Maybe, maybe not, but to me he does not seem the type to do it. The way he answered "yes" did not come across to me like someone admitting to something they did. I feel like he was forced to say he did these things or wanted to do these things OR something BAD happened enough to cause him severe trauma to the point that he DID want to do these things. SOMETHING terrible happened to him as a child.

HOLY FREAKING UNFATHER!!! You're ANGRY that HS didn't kill the taxi driver!? Just like HS said, I thought you'd be pleased... why are you NOT pleased? WHY are you trying to force this poor man into the role of a murderer when he is NOT a murderer!? WHY are you trying to villainize him?? What breaks my heart during this whole entire scene here is that he's furious that HS didn't murder, so furious to the point that he is now threatening HS's family!? WHY!? Telling him he needs to go? Far away?? What exactly DOES he mean by that? And what does he mean by "I'll take care of your wife and daughter forever." What is "the worst possible outcome" exactly?? This man is more horrifying than anyone I've come across in this show yet. You're a doctor and hospital director, so what the literal HELL!? And HS is afraid of him. You can see it all over his face. All he can do is just agree and say he hears him. The unfather has him underneath his pinky finger and he knows it.

Oh CRAP the unstable ungrandma has Eunha!? That's kinda unsettling... and then when the little one starts work on her studies (it's clear she's a highly intelligent little girl since she's a few grades ahead!) the lady goes batshit and rips up her books? WHY? Does this have something to do with her real son, the real Heeseong? What does she mean by "it'll kill you and your mother?" Poor babygirl Eunha... but at least ungrandma take her out for an egg tart to help her feel better, and she is such a good girl. Ungrandma even tries to gently wipe Eunha's face clean of egg tart. That was... rather unexpected and the first time I've ever seen any form of tenderness from ungrandma/unmother. Hmmm... interesting.

OKAY CAN I JUST SCREAM FOR A MINUTE THAT I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW DO HYUNSOO WAS NOT THE KILLER. I KNEW HE WAS PROTECTING HIS SISTER BECAUSE OF IT. I KNEW SHE KILLED HIM. Of course Moojin still wants to place that blame on Hyunsoo and claims she’s just protecting Hyunsoo. I just had this feeling deep in my gut because something felt off about her. However, do I believe she killed in a psychopathic way? No. I don't. I think that village head was doing something terrible to those kids. I KNEW Hyunsoo was protecting his sister, and I knew that his sister disappearing the way she did was protecting him too. They both know what happened and why she killed him. I have my suspicions why too. I could be wrong, but the sister is far too emotional and sad to be a crazed killer, I feel. I think it was self defense or something along those lines. Could be wrong though! Might shock us all!

Jiwon, I get why you're showing him Hyunsoo's bag. I know you're trying to garner a reaction out of him so you can catch him, but you still don't know the truth of it all. You don't know everything or what all has happened to him. I know you're a detective, but stop trying to catch him and try to understand and learn all of his truths and his past before condemning him for something he hasn't done. Yes, he lied to you about his true name for 14 years, and a past that he wanted to keep buried, but you keep getting more and more proof that he was not a murderer and it's him that's showing you this. 

Instead of trying to shake a reaction out of him, continue to do your digging and investigating in secret. And poor HS... his heart is aching and racing and he's going into a bad anxiety attack over all of this. It's clear this poor man has some serious mental health issues going on. Not just a personality disorder, but anxiety and panic, possibly even depression since it was stated he suffered from it as a child... he's losing his safe place. It's slowly burning and about to crash right before his very eyes... Please, Jiwon. Please keep looking. He's innocent. You've got to learn that he's innocent. If anything, Hyunsoo is the victim overall.

The scene with the younger him and his sister... he was able to tell she's feeling anger. I don't think he completely lacks the ability to tell/feel emotions but that they've been so heavily repressed for so long that he's likely forgotten/been brainwashed into becoming unfeeling or not understanding certain emotions. But you can tell in their scene alone how close he is with his sister, and how much he loved his mother and misses her. Do you think he witnessed their mother being murdered? I wonder... The cage in that basement... did he see his mother in there? Was HE put in there? Did his father "punish" him in the basement? Not making him copy stuff, but go inside that cage and be tortured in there by his father? Haesu was eager to tell him "Just respond okay to whatever dad says" so he didn't have to copy the Myeongsim Bogam. I don't think he copied anything. I think he was taken into the basement and bad stuff happened in there and possibly happened in that cage.

Okay... now to the last scenes of the episode... the scenes where Jiwon wants Hyunsoo to come with her to the crime scene. Revisiting his past. The place where horrible things happened to him that has caued him very obvious and severe trauma, the place where his father performed various serial killings, the place where his mother died, all of it... I love Jiwon. I understand what she's doing. I understand her, but I don't like it. She pushed him FAR too hard here. I know she's desperate to get to the truth, but trying to force "Hyunsoo" out of him was far too painful to watch.

Joongi needs to be HIGHLY praised for his acting here. When they go into the basement, it's clear that he's experienced something truly traumatic in there. You see him really start to lose at as soon as she starts playing that tape recorder. A woman humming, a woman who sounds sad and near tears as Jiwon stated. Was this woman his mother?? Going back a few scenes, we see Hyunsoo reacting when the Chinese restaurant owner removes the earbud from his ear. Threatens to break the man's arm. But when you watch him listening, he seems so at peace, calm, quiet and gently smiling. It's clear this is soothing for him. I really believe that this is the voice of his mother singing to him.

When he asks her why she's playing it, he starts to tremble, his voice is shaking and she just keep pushing and pushing... pushing all of his past traumas, heartbreak, fear, everything onto him and this scene alone confirms 100% that he is suffering from SEVERE PTSD. And yet here he is, trying so hard to keep calm and be polite toward her, telling her he'd like to leave. I understand why she's doing what she's doing, but it was too much. I screamed at the screen "STOP HURTING HIM! HE'S HAD ENOUGH PAIN!" The man is a wreck, he's distraught, he's traumatized, he's in pain, and he needs to leave. He needs to get away because this is too much for him. AND JIWON HAS A GUN AND WAS PLANNING TO SHOOT HIM!? OKAY COPPER WTF!?

And here she is continuously pushing him over the edge, pushing him to the brink. Her inner monologue is even "Do Hyunsoo. Show yourself. Make a choice. What you choose today will determine our future." And yes, his hand was at her throat, but he literally just THREW this man into a pit of reliving his past trauma, terrors, horrors, nightmares and was on the verge of completely BREAKING him! I don't know if he even realized what he was doing!? Was reliving being choked so his hand went for her throat? He's WHIMPERING, he looks about to break down into tears, and you see his hand slip to her shoulder and he is now in a full blown panic attack, cannot breathe (can he also not breathe because he was once choked down there? Abused down there? Tortured down there by his father?)

Jiwon. I love you but goodness... He wasn't trying to kill you, woman so put your damn gun away. You literally just threw him into EVERYTHING that could trigger him in the worst possible way without even realizing the damage you just inflicted all over him... This man is in pain. He's in freaking pain. Can't feel emotions my ass. Yes he most certainly can. And he's PLEADING with her. Saying PLEASE let's go. Please get me out of here, please just save me. Jiwon... yes. You were way too hard on him. There are still so many truths you don't know. If your husband was this violent killer like the world has painted him to be, do you REALLY think he would've reacted in the manner that he did?? I mean REALLY? He looked so pale and sickened on the drive home... My heart aches for him. Absolutely and utterly aches.

ALSO MOOJIN KNOWS WHO THE REAL KILLER IS. What's going to happen next!? Haesu is his first love and she just admitted to killing the village head! And now HS needs MJ's help... will he help? He does seem genuinely sorry, to the point that he's given MJ back the tape as well... Will they team up and find the REAL accomplice and get down to the real truth of it all? Also, Jiwon is tracking Hyunsoo... she knows he's at Moojin's apartment now... Ugh. And what is Jiwon burning!? I'm honestly dying to know.

HS knows his wife is closing in on his truths... and he's getting scared now. Because the loving and happy life that he's known now for the past 10+ years is slowly unraveling and he's about to lose it all. I'm praying he doesn't. I'm praying they stay together. I'm praying she helps him and gets him buttloads of therapy and that he gets to stay in his safe place. Cannot WAIT til tomorrow's episode! I can't believe we're almost over halfway through the show already. It's going too fast, but not finding out enough! Haha. Ready for tomorrow’s ep, but that ending caption of them saying their goodbyes as Baek Heeseong and Cha Jiwon stabbed me in the heart. No. Please don’t break up my couple. It hurts. T_T

[asking-jude]

Im feeling stuck. I graduated hs in 2019, and have not gotten into college yet due to a lack of money. I know I want to study medicine and become a neurosurgeon but I just can’t seem to find the motivation to do much. I’ve been taking online courses and had job but then lost it because of the pandemic, since then I’ve been all over the place mentally. Some weeks I feel great and motivated to change but others i feel horrible. Honestly my mh has not been great and I just don’t see a future for myself (Im not suicidal). I know what I want but I just can’t seem to have any energy or motivation to get there. Am I just lazy? How do I get unstuck? How do I change these ways that are slowly killing me?

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out. These are definitely tough times, so I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling unmotivated to accomplish some goals and tasks (especially during a pandemic). I also want to acknowledge that it’s already a great sign that you’ve set up a goal of working towards becoming a neurosurgeon. You’ve already taken the first step in the process by having a goal, and you should be proud of yourself for that.

I want to provide you with an article that includes tips on how to stay motivated during the pandemic: https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/02/26/covid-19-pandemic-how-stay-motivated-during-quarantine-lockdowns/4557946001/. It’s okay to have periods where your motivation fluctuates. It might help for you to connect with people to reduce those feelings of hopelessness. Reflect on what makes you feel unmotivated and try to take a different approach the next time you go through that period again.

It might help to reach out to a mental health therapist to express these feelings since talking to someone may help you feel less alone. Remember that changing is a process; it is through trial and error that you find out what helps you stay motivated and what doesn’t. Normalize the days when you are feeling unmotivated because it might be a sign that your body needs some rest before getting back to work. Listen to what your brain and body needs.

Here is another article that may help you in recovering that motivation:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/new-beginning/202008/6-ways-rediscover-motivation-during-covid-19

Wishing you the best,

Kelly Nguyen

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[sneksue]

Official Post About Lifestyle Changes

The date is January 28, 2021. 

I have not had chickens for a while. It will be 2 years in August. I have been meaning to write something here about all of it, but I either have not had time, or the willpower to go through with it. I was in grieving. 

In June of 2019, I took a trip from my shared homestead in Mississippi to Colorado to do some long distance hiking. I left all of my animals in the care of my ex husband’s mother and her then boyfriend. 

I trusted them to at least do the bare minimum in my animal’s basic care. 

That didn’t happen. They failed night after night to close and lock the coop’s door. They wouldn’t change their water during the day and they did not collect eggs. 

When I had service on my phone during the hike, I checked in with them to find out that because they had not closed or locked the coop door at night, several birds were “missing”, with more missing every day. 

Instead of simply closing the door and providing a safe space for my dear, darling animals to sleep at night, they decided to buy a game camera to see what was happening to them at night. 

Their reasoning had absolutely zero logic, and I was pretty pissed.

They found that raccoons were simply just waltzing into the coops and grabbing birds. The raccoons would drag them away into the woods and feast. 

By the time our trip was almost over, all of my ducks were gone. There were only a few chickens left, and the guinea fowl were all intact due to roosting 50ft up in oak trees. My cat was also “missing”.

I was heartbroken, devastated. I had spent so much money, time, energy, and love to build this flock. I wanted to provide my “family” and myself with sustainable, renewable food in case of a natural disaster. No one seemed to value my efforts, or even care to see what my end goal was. 

On top of grieving for the loss of my feathered babies, my then husband’s younger brother decided to GO OFF on me during our drive back to Mississippi. He claimed I was selfish, psychotic, uncaring, and manipulative. He screamed at me while we were all stuck in the car. He called me a bitch, he called me a liar, he called me a leech. I was stunned in silence. I had been struggling with my mental health for years, and had contemplated suicide more times than I could count. So, it is no surprise that while we were driving 70mph on the interstate, I seriously contemplated opening the car door and leaping out into traffic. 

I turned to my husband, my partner, the love of my life, my support system, to back me up. Defend me. Tell his brother that he was wrong. My husband did nothing of the sort. He remained silent as the verbal barrage from his brother continued. 

Everything clicked for me then. My mother in law was a complete nutcase, she blamed me for all of my husband’s shortcomings. She viewed me as a failure for not being the perfect housewife. She only saw me as a burden on her son’s happiness. My husband maintained an emotional distance from me for several years. He refused to be intimate towards me. He never showed an interest in me, my thoughts, my feelings. He never stood up for me or was proud to show me off. He never commended my strengths and triumphs, he only pointed out what he viewed were my failures. My brother in law was more of a nutcase than his mother, physically abusing his dog and neglecting his cat, leeching off of his mother and getting handouts at every possible opportunity, spending his days smoking hundreds of dollars of marijuana, drinking booze, playing videogames. 

I had no social life, I wasn’t allowed to have a social life. 

I had no friends I could hang out with, all of my friends were online. 

No matter how much I did for these people and how much I excelled at everything I did, nothing was ever enough. I was never enough. 

No wonder I struggled with mental health, eh?

I came to this realization instantaneously, and demanded to be dropped off at my dad’s house in Westminster, CO. 

I had none of my personal belongings besides my hiking and camping stuff. I didn’t care, I just had to get away from these toxic monsters. 

My husband and I loosely decided that this would be a “break” for our relationship, and that he would go back to MS to work and save up to move here with me. I agreed and I began working and saving up myself. 

We both knew he was never going to come here. We were never going to be together again. 

We remained in close contact for a few months after the separation. But the contact and our conversations became fewer and less substantial. 

One night, as I was walking home from work, I called and told him that I thought we should break up. He admitted to me that he had removed his wedding ring over three weeks prior. I was understandably hurt by that, but I did understand. 

He also informed me that all of the birds were gone or dead except for a couple roosters. 

I was more devastated by the loss of my birds than the loss of my marriage. If that doesn’t tell you enough, I don’t know what does!! 

My cat never returned. 

I asked him if we could keep in contact, and he told me he did not want to talk to me or hear from me for several years. I was once again hurt by this, but with his own mental health issues, I again, understood. He did say he can see us being friends in the future, but now that its been some time, I don’t want to be friends with him. I want the best for him, but I can’t bring myself to expose my mentality to his toxicity and negativity. 

I asked again and again, over a period of months, for him to return my belongings. He kept putting it off. I told him I was going to drive down there myself and gather everything i could and dispose of the rest. 

He agreed, initially, then banned me from coming only after I requested the time off from work and had friends to accompany me on the journey, He promised he’d send all my stuff in several shipments after he sold my car. I told him he could keep the profit from the sale of my car and use it to send me my stuff. 

He ended up sending me ONE box of my stuff. And most of it wasn’t even mine. I was appalled and disgusted that he’d be so careless and inconsiderate. 

I sent him messages and requested SPECIFIC items after I received the first box. I got no reply, and no more packages to this day have been sent. 

He and his family stole my property, killed my pets, and broke my heart. 

Thieves, liars, and extremists, the lot of them. 

I grieve daily for the loss of my animals and the torture I was put through for nearly 6 years. 

All of that out of the way, let me move on to tell you what this blog will now feature. 

I have obviously had a change in lifestyle. I no longer live on homesteading land, I live in a roomy two bedroom apartment with my AMAZING fiance. 

My love of chickens, I discovered, was a love for reptiles in general. Cuz birds are reptiles and all that jazz. 

When I met my fiance, I was already blown away by his attitude, confidence, and view on life right off the bat! He inspired me, made me want to be better to myself. 

Meeting him felt weird, at first. It felt weird because I was waiting for this amazing person to... have a catch. There’s gotta be a red flag somewhere. And if there isn’t... he is probably a psychopath who will eventually turn on me and kill me. No one is that... good. 

So I thought to myself, “Welp, gotta find out. I’ll go to his house!”

He had a couple little snakes in his room which I demanded to play with. He happily got them out and I was like “THAT’S the catch? Nah, this just convinces me this guy is... my kind of guy.” 

I’ve had a love of snakes since early childhood. Not an interest of passion, but I truly loved interacting with and watching them. I’ve never had an innate fear of any insect, (exclude honeybee, because I didn’t know better at 6 years old), or animal. I love them all and everything they do to contribute. All they experience. 

I used to catch wild garter snakes and rat snakes in nets, pet them, show them to my mother occasionally to freak her out, and release them. Then watch them. 

There were a mating pair of Oteekee Corn Snakes in my HS yard. Every summer we’d see them, out and about hunting, hiding, climbing... growing. They were bright red and jet black with specks of yellow. I could tell these guys were pretty smart and maybe there was more to snakes than I really thought about ever. 

So, being sold on this amazing guy, we up and moved in together. Nice. My paycheck kept going up and up. I was saving a ton. I wanted a car and an apartment as soon as possible. 

I got bonus after bonus for working hard at my job and everyone hitting labor targets. 

We got a place. Nice. 

Both got steady jobs. Nice. 

There’s uh, a lot of room in this new place. Nice. 

Hey it’s my birthday and I can get myself a snake. I have more than enough for supplies and the animal itself. 

I browsed on morphmarket for what felt like ages.... 

I had no idea that there were.... so many complicated genetics with ball pythons. I was highly interested, because if you know me, you know I’m interested in genetics and selective breeding. 

I found there were THOUSANDS of genetic combinations, each with unique names. It was like alien code. The animals were beautiful but I had no idea what I was really looking at. 

One night while going to our local reptile store to get feeder rats, I was looking around at all the glass window babies, as I usually do. 

I made my way around the scorpions, tarantulas, cave scorpions, frogs, lizards, the store’s companion burmese python, and my eyes landed on a little... adorable puppy-eyed baby ball python. The signage stated that it was a Puma. Seemed simple enough. Easy name to remember. I looked into the glass at the lil noodle, and talked all baby talk and shit. The sweet little thing came right up to scope at me, then yawned. 

I called an employee over and said I’d like to handle this animal right here. The employee obliged and I fell in love. Sexed as male. Easy buy. 

I cried on the way home, It was amazing. I have one picture on here of him a few days after I got him. His name is Mallow, and he is bigger now, but still just as sweet. 

So yeah. It went from there. Now, including the boa and ball python that are my fiance’s, and Mallow, we have added 3 more to our family. We are done now, as these animals may live a loooooong time. And they require space and attention just like any other pet. They’re not expensive, and they’re low maintenance care is nearly brainless if you set it up right. They’re statistically and actually safer than dogs or cats, and are absolutely therapeutic and entertaining. 

This blog will from this day forward be dedicated to snake content, reptile content, and a lot more fun, actually good pictures. I will also share genetic related stuff I find relevant. 

Not having a shitty phone camera is pretty great, tbh. 

TLDR: No more homestead. Ex is evil (yeah yeah), New place new animal new me. SNAKES! SNAKES!!!! SNAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKEEEEESSSSS!

I know this post is just for me but whatever, if I make myself laugh. Cool. G’night. 

[atnaturesmercy]

senior year of high school is kicking my ass. i used to be a straight-A student and then last year i tanked. i'm trying to salvage my grades and unlearn the perfectionist mindset forced on me, but it's so so hard. i don't plan to go to college immediately next year, and im just. worried and sad. dyou have any advice from ur post-highschool experience? what's it like to not be in school?

OK THIS MAY BE LONG BECAUSE THIS HAS DIRECTLY IMPACTED MY LIFE. THIS IS ALSO MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. FAIR WARNING.

i was one of the star students at my school. like, 5.32 weighted GPA. like, 4s and 5s on every ap exam i took. like, got the highest standardized test scores in the district if not region. like, tried in school. i crashed and burned senior year. i was so addicted to drugs and alcohol that i wasnt supposed to graduate at all due to absences. (3-4 school days a week). if i wasnt wasted i was suicidal to the point of needing to go to two inpatient wards and i missed out on two semesters of HS. when i graduated i had every intention to pursue a 3-year degree (...do you see the perfectionism is it obvious). i had everything i needed, emailing my roommate, i was sober and trying. and then i went to another inpatient hospital for six months and it destroyed me all over again. it wasnt what i wanted at all so How Can I Stay Sane If I Am Not Shoving My Success In Others’ Faces? In Fact I Am Actually Now Quite Inferior? simple: reevaluate your fucking values and find out what the fuck you want in life. it’s so harsh, it’s so desperate, it’s so undesirable and it is still one thousand percent necessary to rewire your brain out of suicidal ideation and hopelessness.

i can empathize with the burnout and i can empathize with the gap year. it’s terrifying, for me, to have imagined a life outside of school if thats who i was for so long. when i placed my identity on my academic success and intelligence i could never be satisfied with the real world. in a way im very thankful i took that gap year (or .... two now) because i got to figure out WHAT I WANT IN LIFE. you are most likely going to get a degree or some form of training/cert., and then it’ll be over. pleasepleaseplease do not wait until you are presented with a Career Opportunity to find out who you are. explore. find a community. try to keep up a routine because it helps alleviate the boredom outside of classes. you are still growing and learning. ive come to realize procrastination is a gift from god because your subconscious is constantly churning new information and you may find out things you HAVEN’T considered if you’re stuck in the high school to university tunnel vision. you know yourself best. i can’t tell you what you need to do because i am not you. if you want to unlearn perfectionism (highly recommend LOL!) look into radical acceptance and EQ. therapy has saved my life on numerous occasions and a professional can realistically help you better than i can. learn to trust yourself, too. and like ...

it takes WORK. there are a lot of days even now where i stay in bed and cry for hours because my friends are in uni or excelling at school and im being eaten alive with envy 24/7. my brain is fried from increasingly severe psychosis and drugs, i don’t think i could get a 4.0 in college when i go back, and ive found out i enjoy doing other things and i like myself because im not placing a deadline on getting my shit together anymore. ive started reading again, i MAKE ART AND WRITE NOW HOLY FUCK, i’ve learned how to cook, i’m discovering my spirituality--ETC, ETC, ETC. think about it, like ... you are not going to be young forever. im not saying you cant do these things when you are older, but this is kind of the TIME to explore. we have so much free time now with no due dates. this period in our lives is not wasted. this period outside of edu is not abnormal. branch out(!!!!) and you will find people in very similar situations. you are not alone, above all you have yourself. find out what you desire. it is okay to be what you want outside of school. there are very few cliques in the real world.

[100-yardstare]

I can’t believe I missed ace awareness week. I wanted to blog a little about it, but my computer charger failed on me and it’s taken about a month for me to prepare for the bill to replace it. I feel yucky right now so I just felt like writing about what’s going on in general instead.

I’ve been on so many interviews. I was screwed over on my last big job interview (the one I ranted about last time) partially because I think my old boss that said she be a reference flat out told me she wasn’t going to do it AFTER I submitted her as a reference to the job, so I’m almost 98% sure I was passed over because of that. In addition one of the committee members that interviewed me got mad at me for calling her “ma’m”. She explained she wasn’t from Texas, and I apologized and said something on the lines of it must be a culture shock for her and I didn’t mean to offend. Somehow people think the term is used as an insult now, and that is beyond me. I guess I’m old school lol age is catching up with me and I’m not even realizing it.

So I’ve been on plenty of interviews since then but I keep getting passed over. The last one I had to take a aptitude test, and after receiving feedback from them as to why I was rejected, it’s apparently because I’m a slow calculator/clerical worker. Big whoop because I already know that. I am really feeling the negativity now as an adult looking for work about neurodivergent people trying to find a place in a neurotypical working world. I don’t want to disclose me being ADD to anybody in pre-employment screenings because I don’t want that label to penalize me. But one way or another being ADD does just so anyway.

Because it’s been about 9 months now without work I’ve been seeing my savings decline heavily. My medication bills are at least 155 a month, and on top of that I’m still paying off a stupid hospital bill from 3 years ago that was roughly 2,000 dollars for swallowing barium and a doctor looking at an X-Ray. So that comes to immediately at minimum 200+ dollars a month just on that. Add in the other stuff and I’m fucked without an income. I’ve applied to so many retail jobs too, but nobody gets back to me either.

I don’t go out much anymore because I can’t afford to charge for dinners, so I eat whatever my mom cooks. If she is too sick from her RA, then I try and cook, but because we don’t go to the store as often anymore to save on bills (my parents are having a hard time too) I have resorted to eating canned beans, soups, and others of likeness that don’t go bad. My father is also emotionally abusive to both me and my mom, and it’s gotten worse ever since he started having problems with his job. I can’t leave because I don’t have the money to live on my own. My hobbies have heavily declined. I used to make at least two big cosplay’s a year, and go to conventions, but I can’t do that because, OH NO, I don’t have enough money, and I can’t get a job. I cry all the time because I am so bored. I go out of the house only to volunteer once a week because gas money is tight, and to take my mom on errands. I dream constantly of going on trips. I feel trapped in this house I might as well be a ghost. I stare at my phone all day in hopes of either getting a response from an employer or validation from my social media, it’s pathetic. Imagine being so bored and trapped in your house AND being ADD. It’s like my mind is constantly going places and running around, and I just get emotionally exhausted because I have to tell myself, “no, I can’t afford to go eat at that place, I can’t afford to go on a roadtrip, I can’t buy the material to do my hobby”.

Here is what I learned from all this, which I’m sure a lot of you have already learned, or will learn. Getting a degree doesn’t do you shit. The world hates you and doesn’t care about you, yet values you only on how productive you are and how much money you can make. I see my friends trapped in this mindset right now, but what am I supposed to do? Tell them to give up on their dreams? My cousin is going to grad school for her SECOND Master’s because her other one isn’t getting her good jobs. She even has a full time job on top of it, but her car broke down, and with a full-time paying job she CAN’T AFFORD TO FIX IT. My friend is going to college to get a degree in computer engineering of the sorts, but she’s already 40,000+ dollars in loans. Tbh I’m so glad my brother dropped college. He was trying to complete a degree he didn’t even like, loathed as a matter of fact to the point of attempting suicide. My dad always told him trade school was bullshit, which is A LIE, so I’m sure he felt like he didn’t have any other options when he started. The trades are an awesome career path, and I have a deep respect for anyone who can become a welder, plumber, or whatever. Whatever he ends up doing I’ll be proud of him regardless. I’ve learned that there are other ways to make something for yourself. The traditional route of college doesn’t bring the American Dream, only our persistence and spirit does.

If you’ve gotten this far reading this, this is NOT to say drop out of school. But plan ahead. Don’t jump into college right after HS just because it’s expected of you. Don’t do a degree that you think is good just because it will make you money. One thing college did for me was teach me about myself. I have a massive learning disability, and I graduated. I worked hard for YEARS, thinking I’d never graduate because I had such a hard time keeping my grades up, managing my health, and all the sorts. But I did it! I graduated. The world has told me that doesn’t matter. The world is going to tell YOU that nothing you do matters or is of worth. But it is. You matter. You are NOT a burden.

I will say that all that has happened to me makes me a fierce advocate for those with disabilities and mental illness. My last job working at an ABA clinic showed me that babies (yes, literally BABIES) that don’t act neurotypical will be punished for it. I’ve seen in the work world that if you don’t act neurotypical, you are punished for it. Where I currently volunteer now there is a huge respect for disabled individuals. I see a lot of kids with cerebral palsy, autism, ADHD/ADD, and even physical disabilities. This one boy with CP couldn’t even walk before, let alone stand up, and now thanks to Equine Assisted Therapy, he can sit up and walk with assistance. He did that! That was his accomplishment and I am so proud of him. And yet a lot of people in the world will look at him with just another kid with disabilities that will probably not amount to much. See where I’m getting at? I’m so protective of these people because I am like them. One way or another, we have to stand up for eachother. My story with ADD may not be the same as a particular person with autism, CP, or mental illnesses, but we have to look out for each other. Going through all this has made me a stronger person and I will defend us with everything I’ve got.

FYI if any of you reading this wants to donate to a good organization this year for the holiday’s I’d HIGHLY recommend SIRE Therapeutic Horsemanship in TX. Great wonderful group of people and animals.

Yes, I’m in a horrible place right now. But I’ve learned. I sincerely hope things will change for me soon so I can better take care of myself and my mom, but of course I’m human and I’m going to suffer anyway in the moment. I hope 2020 is going to be better for me because this year was terrible. I crave financial independence, the ability to travel and see and experience new things, and be in a better spot professionally, and personally to do the things I want to do. Graduate school isn’t even an option right now because I can’t afford it, and as of now, I don’t care to go to graduate school. Maybe someday, years from now, but at this rate I’m so sick and tired of expectations from society I just say fuck it. I’ll get there at my own pace. And I’ll be successful without the worlds opinion on what makes me successful.

[naernon]

OC Questionnaire - Estryon Thramian

Found this in my drafts, and decided to finish off what I had to distract from the tediousness of trying to decide what to do with the aspect of his backstory mentioned earlier. I filled this out according to how he was at the very start/before the events of Skyrim, unless stated to be what happens later on.

Feel free to use this for your own OCs, I don’t mind.

TW; Mentions of pregnancy (of a trans man). Also, some NSFW implications.

GENERAL

Name: Estryon Thramian

Alias(es): Estre is a little nickname Ondolemar took to using later on. Arelnian, the parent who carried him and the only one he met (they died when he was two, his father died prior to his birth), also called him this. It is also his birth-name. Perhaps a bit of projection on my part. I don’t mind my birth-name. (altho it could just be because if i do mind it, i’m in for bad time from it)

Gender: Male.

Age: 25 years old.

Place of birth: Sunhold, Summerset Isle.  Or rather, Alinor. Morning Star 19th, 4E 176 (The Ritual)

Spoken languages: Tamrielic and Altmeri. Unsure exactly how native languages vs the common tongue works in TES, but I’ll just assume/HC it’s either like Latin (commonly taught but not used in every-day conversation) or just very secondary compared to Tamrielic. So that’s the status on his knowledge of Altmeri. Also had a minor interest in Ayleidoon when he was younger, so he knows some basic vocab, but not too much. Like you know how some people go through HS and take the entirety of Spanish/German/Whichever for the full four years and as soon as they graduated they forgot all of it? That’s Estryon with Ayleidoon.

Sexual orientation: Gay.

Occupation: Thalmor agent. Mainly used in assassinations and to stoke the conflict in the Skyrim Civil War by framing (in murder, accusations of law-breaking, etc.), propaganda, etc. Prior to that, as I’ve recently elaborated, he was a member of a elite force in Summerset called the Accipiters. They’re, as said, are similar to the First AD’s Eyes of the Queen, except with more brutality and tendency to murder. They are charged with cutting down all heresy and resistance against the Thalmor in the Isles through more silent and undercover tactics. Through whatever course of events I settle with, he is suspended and demoted within the Accipiters and sent to Skyrim to work as, again, a basic Thalmor agent for the time being. It’s not like he’s put into a useless job. Thalmor forces in Skyrim, according to this , are rather stretched thin, and with someone as combat skilled as Estryon, his work is much, much needed. Doesn’t mean he likes it, though. He hates it.

APPEARANCE

Eye color: Vibrant yellow/amber.

Hair color: Pale cream/blonde color.

Height: 6′ to 6′3/4. Haven’t decided.

Scars: Slight slashes/cuts on his right cheek and a scar on his right bicep. Likes to use… risky methods in his assassinations because he’s a dumbass and that has given him a few severely close calls on fatal weak spots; there’s a medium-length scar across his left abdomen, a shallow, light scar on his collarbone (was an attempt at his heart), and a few small ones on his thighs.

Burns: No major ones, but a lot of little burn marks because 1.) He sucks at cooking and 2.) Little mishaps in destruction magic usage.

Overweight: No.

Underweight: No.

FAVOURITE

Color: Yellow.

Hair color: He likes lighter hair colors but it’s not a huge factor.

Eye color: Yellow, but as said, not too much of a preference.

Entertainment: Horse-back riding. Causing general issues and difficulty for those around him. Taking care of horses. This man really likes horses. He also has a fondness for burning different stuff he finds, some of that stuff being important shit to someone other than him. There’s one major entertainment he commits to a lot but I’ll leave that unmentioned for modesty’s sake.

Pastime: This dude really does not do a lot to entertain himself other than [censored]. He spends a lot of time meandering and wandering and just.. being there. Either that or he rapidly switches between different pastimes because he can’t stay with one for the life of him. (he gets bored very, very easily) But. If anything, as said, he likes to experiment with magic and alchemy, and he loves horseback-riding and taking pleasure rides. This easy tendency towards boredom leads to recklessness and an unhealthy lust for thrill and adventure.

Food: As typical of Sunhold natives, he gravitates towards sea-food and he likes crab. Not typical mudcrabs from just anywhere, however. As is common knowledge, there are a lot of different varieties of Mudcrabs and there’s one particular off the coast of Sunhold that is high-demand and very flavorful. But other than that, he has a guilty sweet tooth in general, and he B U S  T S  A  N U T for vanilla ice cream.

Drink: He’s boring. He just likes water. He enjoys some lighter alcohol, though,  and perhaps some tea, but again. Water.

Books: Enjoys magic studies and books. Doesn’t like a lot of heavy-information stuff other than that, though, but he does like a bunch of light interests like aromatics and alchemy. He has Arelnian and their large array of aromatic/alchemy books + store to thank for those two interests.

HAVE THEY

Passed university: Yes.

Had sex: Pft. Yeah.

Had sex in public: Depends. Like, straight up banging in like, a marketplace? Nah.

Gotten pregnant: No. Not during the events of Skyrim, at least. Not until much later.

Kissed a man: Yes.

Kissed a woman: Yes, once or twice.

Gotten tattoos: Yes. Little ones. He has an eagle wing on each side of each of his ankles, and the Dominion emblem on the back of his neck. All hurt like Hell (especially the Dominion emblem one) and he’s kind of halted off of getting any after that.

Gotten piercings: Ear piercings, yeah. He typically likes small gold hoops or little jewels, but he tends to go through long periods of time where he doesn’t have any in.

Been in love: Yes.

Had a broken heart: Oof. Yeah.

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: Yes. He oftentimes has trouble sleeping. Has been that way since he was little, according to Ohtehil, at least.

ARE THEY

A virgin: Pft. No.

A cuddler: Not really, but, I mean. He’s not beyond it. He’s just not a very personal person in general.

A kisser: Yes.

A smoker: Not frequently, no.

Scared easily: Not typically, and even if he is, he takes care to not show it. He might flinch and recoil and you can get a little bit of a gasp from him but other than that, no. Unless it’s something incredibly outlandish or unnatural or… terrifying. Like a dragon. A large, ebony black dragon with red eyes flying from the mountains and passing over you, rumbling the ground and triggering all your fight or flight instincts. Yeah. Kinda scary. (but even then all he did was dive out of sight and hide underneath a little rock overhang. he may have taken a bit of a tumble in the process but i’ll have you know his cold altmeri exterior ™ was still in-tact)

Jealous easily: Gods, yes. He wouldn’t let that be known, however.

Trustworthy: Absolutely Not

Dominant: In terms of personality, yeah. He hates being told what to do, he thrives on spiting others, and while he is quite reserved and quiet he still manages to be…. over-bearing and dominant. He has three very particular methods of getting what he wants and one of them is a glare that could kill and keeping all words to the minimum, while also having those words cut sharp. Does that make sense? He’s one of those people that just have an overpowering presence without the need to speak. That’s one reason he doesn’t have a lot of friends, really. Anyways. One other method is straight-up killing whoever he wishes to and the other… Well. If you’re talking dominance in bed, he adapts to what is needed, wanted, or what he’s in the mood for. Whatever leaves his target vulnerable to a swift kill, framing, or easy investigation of possible heresy/conspiracy. So yes, actually, I guess he is dominant. Quite so.

Submissive: In any other context other than the Spicee (tm) one, no, not really. If in that context, then, only if he wishes to be.

Single: Yes, no committal relationship until later. Although, there was one earlier, but I haven’t developed it completely. I’ll give a little peek. It was with Thalmor Agent Sanyon. That dead Thalmor, at a Talos shrine? Yeah. High-school sweethearts, if you will. Estryon finding Sanyon’s body at the shrine, or rather, going there at all ultimately sets the course of the events of the main questline. That little event, along with Ohtehil’s little ‘turn-into-a-werewolf-and-slaughter-all-your-colleagues’ theatrical go hand-in-hand in starting it all. Estryon finding Sanyon dead would not have happened at all if not for Ohtehil, actually.

RANDOM QUESTIONS

Have they harmed themselves: Minor things.

Thought of suicide: Yes.

Attempted suicide: No.

Wanted to kill someone: Yes.

Actually killed someone: Yes.

Ridden a horse: Yes. He’s quite the horseman.

Have/had a job: Yes.

Have any fears: He isn’t too fond of heights. Or blood.

FAMILY

Sibling(s): Ohtehil (22 years older) and Tretlas (55 years older).

Parents: Arelnian and Ciryarel Thramian. Both fought in the Great War/First War of the Empire on the Dominion’s side. Ciryarel was a skilled mage who worked rather high up in the Dominion and Arelnian was also well-respected as an informant and recruiter stationed primarily in Hammerfell. Ciryarel perished in the final battle and Arelnian received significant injury. Survived two years post-War, but a highly weakened immune system as a result of the injuries ultimately cost them their life.

Children: No. Later, however, he does adopt Lucia and Sofie and does have Diatres, his only biological child.

Pets: Cyrel, a smokey black and sleek Summerset-bred mare. Had her imported upon the discovery he would be suspended in Skyrim for longer than anticipated. Prior to that, she was being boarded for a rather expensive price over at the Sunhold stables. And then Umaril, a “Pocket” Salamander. Ohtehil got it for him for his 9th birthday not anticipating a long lifespan nor the HUGE size they grow to be. Once it started growing alarmingly fast and large Ohtehil figured as long as Estryon was enjoying himself it would be fine; once he grew older he could get rid of it if he tired of taking care of such a massive and intelligent creature. Estryon did not get rid of it. Quite the opposite. He’s the dude to have a suspiciously large bag being lugged around and you see him stop once he’s in the clear, unzip it, and suddenly his dog or in this case a very large monitor pokes his head out. His commitment to Umaril and Cyrel is incredible compared to his dedication towards actual people.

[goodguyjean]

Do you agree with the interpretation that Jean is book-dumb/a slacker? There are a lot of college/high school AUs that portray him as lazy and unmotivated. While Jean in canon slacked off when it came to learning hand-to-hand combat, being the best at 3DMG implies that he did work for something during training. I see Jean as someone who will work for what he wants. But if he deems a subject unnecessary (self-defence or High School phys ed) he won't work too hard on it.

Hiya! Sorry it took me a bit to getback to you on this, I logged on in time for the season finale and got a bitcaught up in it!

I’m putting this under a cut because the pictures make it a bit long, but the TL;DR is that I agree with your points!

I like your reading of Jean, itmakes perfect sense to me! I agree that it’s reductive to label Jean a slackerand that it’s just downright wrong to say that he’s unmotivated: he’s actually highly motivated to get into the MP. Tome, Jean pursues his military training in an opportunistic fashion: hecapitalizes on his natural aptitude for the 3DMG and lets hand-to-hand combatskills slide because he knows they’re worth less points. He works with aspecific goal in mind, and tries to find the quickest and surest path to achievingthat goal. I think of Jean as a cunning survivor rather than a bonafideslacker, although Eren certainly conflates the two.

Chapter 17. Maybe Jean doesn’t want to call himself a soldier … here Eren chides Jean for expressing a desire to play the system and get out of Trost.

I suppose one could argue that Jean’saim of getting a cushy life as an MP reflects an overarching desire to slackoff, but I don’t think this is a particularly nuanced reading of hismotivations for trying to make it into the Interior. In the manga (my constantrefrain; the anime doesn’t touch on Jean’s motivations at all, which may be thesource of the slacker!Jean fanfic trope), Jean genuinely believes that thetitans will eventually destroy humanity, and that the first to die will be the unlucky people stuck on the front line—like him and the other citizens of Trost.And if, by some miracle, the titans don’t get him in their next attack, thegovernment will send him out on another suicide mission to retake the wall . .. an attempt to lessen the strain on their already limited resources.

A collection of panels from chapter 3 where Jean expresses his cynicism and defeatism.

Faced with this grim reality, Jeandecides that he has to look out for himself (since no one else will) and makethe most of whatever time he has left. He’s working for a better quality oflife for himself, which makes him less of a slacker and more of a calculatingsurvivor, to my mind. And his calculations include exploiting his unique skills.

Jean discussing a 3DMG move (and bragging a bit xD) in chapter 17 and Shadis’ observations about Jean in chapter 18.

I agree with you that Jean probablydoes put most of his effort into learning the gear, although he’s alsopresented as having a natural aptitude for it. He has, in his own words, a talent.I don’t think he would have gone into the military with the aim of making intothe top ten if he didn’t think it was his best chance of getting out of Trost,which means he had to have some sense of his abilities before enlisting. I’veseen a related fanfic trope to the one you cite here, which isJean-As-Careless-Braggart, and it doesn’t sit well with me either: Jean doestake pride in accomplishments and celebrates his successes (which does cross theline into bragging a couple times during the training arc), but he’s also veryaware of his weaknesses and willing to admit his mistakes.

Jean bragging in chapter 17. The fact that 3DMG is an actual talent of his is confirmed by his ranking and Shadis’ assessment, even if this isn’t the most politic thing to say at this point xD 

Jean admitting he doesn’t think he’s qualified to be a leader because he’s not particularly brave, chapter 18. Although Marco is actually right here that Jean does indeed have the skill set to be a leader, Jean makes what he believes is an honest assessment of his abilities.

So I ultimately think that Jean is a work/fight smarter, not harder kind of guy. He tries to play to his strengthswhenever possible, and invests where he thinks he’s going to get the most bangfor his buck. To some people, his behavior might look a bit like slacking, butI don’t think he could get into the top ten on just innate skill alone. We seehim working hard at a test in chapter 18, for instance.

Although, in this scene he also comes up with a strategy that he thinks will play to his strengths and compensate for his weaknesses.

He’s just not Eren, Reiner, Marco,or Marlowe, people who put in the effort to becoming a soldier because of theirideologies. Jean does eventually develop an ethos of responsibility, but itstems from his own desire to protect his friends and not his belief in the general value of being a “good soldier.”

Chapter 21.

So if I were to write Jean in anAmerican HS AU (because I’m American and I’m most familiar with our high schoolsystem xD), I would say Jean is the kind of guy who wants to get out of his semi-rural Midwestern town, and, since he’s a smart kiddo, he decides thesurest way to achieve this goal is to get a scholarship to a good college. He carefullypicks his electives and classes to make his transcript look as appealing aspossible, but he probably slacks off in classes that he considers lessimportant to that goal, like PE (if he’s not going for a sport scholarship) orhome economics. I completely agree with you on that front! And he probablyannoys everyone because he cynically informs them that this is exactly what he’sdoing xD

[hs4lifeblog-blog]

Emotional aspects of HS

It is a draining emotion to feel unless most of the time and for some people that can cause them to lose faith in themselves. Before HS, I took for granted everything I could have done, but in reality how would I have know what was coming. Everything that came with HS is overwhelming, to a level where you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing or how to fix it. The fact that doctors tell you this disease cannot be cured and it is getting worse with time, is the most aggravating feeling ever. It takes an emotional toll very and it is very hard to get over it and move on. 

When I was in the earlier stages in HS, I would get through the pain since back then they didn’t last very long and weren’t as painful. But when I got to college, for some reason they got worse extremely quick. I had more appearing that hurt more and stayed for longer time. But through it all I didn’t mind it, I stayed with a positive attitude and kept going. 3 years pass and I continue to stay positive, but had some minor set backs. Some days I would dedicate them to just cry at my house and let it all out because sometimes it is the only way. I am used to not involve my feelings when it comes to HS, I would usually just keep it to myself and pretend it doesn’t affect me. But soon enough it got to me and it was pretty painful. It wasn’t until recent that I saw the emotional toll HS take on you. After dealing with stage 3 HS, and having to see your body all patched up and having to change pads twice a day and in 5 different places, doesn’t make you feel as sexy as before. It is very overwhelming to let that sink in. It even makes it very difficult to be intimate with another person due to your lack of mobility and insecurities of your appearance with all the abscesses.

I have never had problems with self-esteem or low self-worth. I was always know to be the girl that would think that we did not come to this earth to please other with our appearance and it is our duty to feel happy with ourselves the way we are. I still think like that, and care very little to go beyond my way to impress others with my appearance. If a person wants to be with you, they’ll be with you even if you don’t look like a model. But, when it come to HS it makes it a little bit different. I still think this way but the frustration of having to go through something no one has to is what got me. I hate the dependency I need from others to help me do things that usually people can do on their own. For example, I need someone to help me put my clothes on, or grab things that are easily reachable, or someone to cover me in bed because I can’t put the covers on myself, etc. For such an independent I used to be to have to depend on others really hit me hard emotionally. 

I bottled up my emotions and hate telling people that it actually affects me because I don’t want to seem weak. I know it’s wrong to think that way but I can’t help it. And after years, it wasn’t until the other day that I actually told my closest friends how I actually felt and that things weren’t as fine I made them out to be. I decided to tell them because I was slowly closing myself off and crying myself to sleep and hated that fact that I had to wake up in the morning and have to go through all of it again. And that’s only when the pain wasn’t so bad that I didn’t have to wake up every 2 hours because of the pain. I’d be lying if I said it’s not tough and that people with HS can do it alone. 

And to add on to this, the emotional toll that took on me did not take away my hope that eventually it will get better. I am in no way suicidal or have an urge to hurt myself (because I have enough pain going on and find it unnecessary to hurt myself even more in other areas). Even if it doesn’t show sometimes, I just think of the times where HS isn’t as bad and the medicine does work and how happy I get, which is the main reason that keeps me moving. Even the days were it doesn’t hurt as bad, my mood changes rapidly and it’s as if I wasn’t sad this whole time. 

My only advise is to find people that are willing to you hear out when you need it the most. But don’t take advantage of that and sound like a broken record because it is highly likely that that person can’t relate to what you’re going through and will get tired of your constant complaining. I know I would and I personally don’t think that complaining will get you anywhere. Also don’t be afraid to going support groups or to a psychologist, they can make a difference.