#that i was starving myself and taking like weight pills

[ickadori]

parents can be the worst people in the world

[andragoras-in-vanity]

hey so like...how do you lose weigh when on meds bevause you cant work out and have tummy troubles. without going off those meds. cause theyre pain meds. i cant handle the weight ive gained i legit want to cut my stomach off my body and carve out my hip bones again.

[moodr1ng]

taking further weight/fatphobia/ed/general depression vents under readmore lol

cause like i cannot express how genuinely bad the fatphobia i have against myself is. like. when i picture myself in my head, in the future, i always imagine myself as skinny, bc ive lived my entire adult (and teen) life thinking of my body as a temporary impediment which ill eventually fix. early last year i thought i finally had and was so happy and then gained all the weight back. and idk what to do about it bc i have tried so so so hard to just 'accept being fat' and as i have said again i do not understand how that is possible in this society and i have never managed to get anywhere close to that and dont know how to.

and as a result of this i have considered like. every awful awful option out there for losing weight. like, i tried to get my doctor to prescribe me diet pills. i looked into ozempic and the only reason im NOT trying to illegally get some is that its for diabetic people and it harms them to take from the limited supply. i looked into various weight loss surgeries (be it bariatric surgery, which i cant get bc im not fat enough to qualify, or liposuccion but even if i could realistically afford it i hear it doesnt work in the long run). ive starved myself so much, tried so many diets, so many sports, never managed to stay on for long enough to maintain the results. no joke, i have considered developing a heroin or coke habit EXCLUSIVELY to lose weight, and the reason im not doing that is its too expensive. i complain about my adhd meds giving me food disgust but tbh every time it happens im also relieved bc it means i wont be able to eat for a few days. idk what to do anymore bc this is ruining my life and has been ruining my life for most of it.

i literally feel so worthless, ridiculous and unloveable specifically bc of my weight, and in particular the way its disposed on my body. i would be fine having fat arms, fat thighs, i would probably dig having a fat ass and chest and hips tbh! but i store all my fat on my belly and thats the one part i dont want to be fat, as well as my face and neck. this is such a massive block for me tbh. like, when i talk to new people i always feel like theyre looking down on me or find me pathetic because im fat (and bc im short which is my other major insecurity - i feel like being tall and fat is acceptable but not being short and fat). i dont take any compliments i get at face value bc i feel like everyone is just being nice by pretending like i could EVER be good looking. the only time ive ever felt attractive since i was a young teen was when i had lost the weight last year, and i couldnt maintain that bc it was so stringent.

sometimes when i think "i might be fat for the rest of my life and never manage to maintain being thin" i contemplate suicide over it. its like, the one thing about me i can never accept. i used to have so much internalized racism as a kid/young teen but i eventually got over that and came to appreciate my non-white features and even wish i had inherited more of my mothers looks (like her hair). i used to be so insecure about not being masculine enough but today im actually more into being kind of androgynous. i used to hate everything about myself and ive gotten much better about a lot of it. i dont hate my facial features or my hands or my legs or my arms anymore. i just hate my weight. and its the one thing i cant fucking get rid of.

and like, ive tried so hard to just.. look at other people ik with similar body types who i think are super attractive and think "if theyre attractive and they look like me, surely i could be too?" but it never works no matter what. and i mean, ik outside of like, societal fatphobia, a big part of it is my ed right. like obviously as long as i have an ed that is focused on wanting to lose weight im never gonna be able to accept being fat. but i cant get help for my ed bc there are no resources. and there are no medical professionals who will help me accept being fat bc theyre also fatphobic and they only want to help me lose weight, and they cant even manage to do that.

im just extremely tired of it all. every day i wish i was skinny. i can live w all the rest. i just need to be thin. i dont even need to be bone thin or whatever i just wanna be average. and its so fucking hard for so many reasons. i can almost never cook for myself bc of The Mental Shit. if i do cook for myself its rly hard to do anything complicated so its often not very balanced or healthy. and i rely so much on fast food, takeout and frozen meals bc of this inability to cook. and then theres the emotional shit - bc ever since i was little ive binged whenever i felt anything. bored? binge. angry? binge. sad? binge. happy? binge. theres no emotional state that doesnt wanna make me binge. and the only way i can stave it off is like.. either indulge in other vices (drugs alcohol etc) or just. dip into the restriction part of the ed and start starving myself again. and ofc once it becomes unbearable.. more binging. idk. idk. im at a loss. no one can help. and theres so many things piled on top of each other that make everything impossible.

im not even just talking about the weight - i mean everything in my life is like this carefully balanced tower of cards where each bad thing supports another bad thing supporting another bad thing until it builds into this massive self-sustaining network of dysfunction.

its like. i wake up in the morning (still tired from whatever the hell is wrong w my sleep, probably didnt sleep enough or too much, either way feeling bad). my room is a mess and theres fruit flies everywhere bc of the heat and i need to clean, but bc i woke up exhausted and feeling sick i have no energy to. i go get some water and theres a pile of dishes in the sink that are getting grosser and grosser but the idea of washing them is so daunting i cant bring myself to. i need to shower, but showering is such a hard task, and then if i shower i also need to brush my teeth and take care of my hair and thats so much energy. and if i do all that, well, i havent done the laundry in like 2 weeks so i have nothing clean to wear, so if im gonna shower i should do the laundry so i dont just get clean to put on dirty clothes right. and doing the laundry and hanging the stuff to dry is also such a hard task. and then if im clean and wearing clean clothes, am i just gonna get back in my dirty bed? i also need to change the bedsheets, and i hate doing that. and if im gonna change the sheets then i probably should fucking clean the bedroom, right. and i dont have the energy to do literally any of that. so im dirty, my room is dirty, my kitchen is dirty, i feel like shit, im tired, i havent eaten anything yet. maybe a decent meal would help. but a meal means cleaning some pot and pan to cook stuff in. and then it means cleaning it again after im done cooking, and also cleaning the dishes. and fucking hell i cant do that. so i think, maybe ill go to the convenience store and get a sandwich. but that means i need to get dressed and do my hair and i probably smell bed and i cant just go out like this and im SO TIRED. so i go to order takeout. and sure i could get something fresh and healthy like a poke bowl or something, but thatll cost me like 25 bucks, and i could just get a burger and fries for 10. so i get that. and i dont feel any better, because ive been eating carbs, sugar, and some shitty processed meat near-exclusively for the past several years. and im so tired and feel so awful and so guilty and so gross, so i just start smoking and drinking. maybe if im lucky ill do some art or whatever. and thats how my day goes and then ill go to sleep in my unchanged sheets unshowered laundry undone room dirty dishes piled up. have a bunch of nightmares wake up drenched in sweat etc. and do the same thing tomorrow.

and idk how to fix any of this bc its a cycle right. like where do i start? i feel like i cant do anything bc everything is SO heavy SO tiring SO daunting and im just so exhausted. i want to sleep for 10 years. i want to be happy again. but whenever im not happy i forget how it felt to be happy. so theres nothing to look forward to. and then i think about killing myself again. and thats just how it goes.

ig thats why im so so hopeful to actually get an at-home aid who can get me to do chores and get groceries and shit bc that might actually be the one thing that breaks the cycle, cause i definitely cant do it by myself.

[midwestvalleygirl-moved]

i have literally been inflicted with various eating disorders because i grew up as a fat child and these skinny people wanna act like i don’t understand how eating disorders work just because im fat. because i obviously havent “suffered” enough, or maybe i just wasn’t “good” enough at starving myself because i didn’t have anorexia for “long enough”, because i didn’t look like a typical anorexic person. and especially because i make eating disorders “too political” by pointing out that these people refuse to acknowledge that EDs stem from literal fatphobia and the fear of looking like me.

sorry if thats a hard pill for some of yall to swallow but eating disorders do stem from fatphobia and the only way to truly recover from them is to start viewing fat people as PEOPLE who deserve love and respect no matter their size, no matter if they eat too much or talk too much about food or if their fatness and fat rolls and jiggly bellies “disturbs” you. better yet, it’s learning to respect fat people even if you viscerally hate them. it’s learning to listen to them talk about their experiences and digesting what that means for you, a skinny person, and how you have taken part in systemic fatphobia.

i understand eating disorders are very mentally destructive — i understand that on a very intimate level as a fat woman — but do you not understand how destructive it is for someone like me, who has been fat since birth and all of my 23 years of living, to acquaint myself with people whose literal worse fear is looking like me? who polices how they themselves eat and make me feel shame for eating a “larger” portion size? who view fatness and even the word “fat” as a negative thing? why should i subject myself to a personal relationship that treats me as Other because of something as unchangable as my weight when i already get enough shit from society for the way i act, the way i dress, the way i eat. why would i subject myself to that further through “friends” who would rather starve themselves than have a bmi higher than 25? why would i have a friend who gets uncomfortable when i talk about the fatphobia i experience, all because i dont put padding around every word, because i dont reassure them that “you’re one of the good ones” and “dont worry, i know you dont hate fat people” and “i dont think all skinny people or people with EDs think this way, don’t worry, i love you”.

there is no other explanation for why my experience with eating disorders is not taken seriously besides cruel fatphobia. my commentary on eating disorders is too “political” and “mean” because i believe the only way to tackle them is by looking at the root of the problem, which is the hatred of fat bodies. because i believe one must confront societal and interpersonal fatphobia before recovery can truly take place. give me a break. don’t claim to love and support fat people if you deny my experience and frame me as someone who “just doesn’t understand” and “isn’t the best person to talk about eating disorders with”. sorry i call you out on your fatphobic bullshit and that it hurts your feelings. except i’m not sorry, at all, not even a little bit.

if you can deny me my hellish experience with eating disorders because i am fat and believe in fat liberation, i can and will deny you of your supposed “love and acceptance” of fat people. because you know deep in your heart that you are lying and don’t actually care.

[rubythecrimsonwriter]

I have to say this because I just had a very serious talk with my bestie about weight.

When I first went to college, I was doing acrobatics four days a week and a 15 to 18 hour course load a semester, while spending six months out of the year sick or recovering from such. The bronchitis plus [whatever comorbid illness struck this time] was bad enough, but the recovery took so long because I had so little fat that my body would start eating muscle and tissue.

I had access to a school nutritionist and so I wrote down everything that I tended to eat, how often I did so. My diet was and still is semi-decent, mostly because I have enough texture issues that a lot of junk food and "unhealthy" (I say that loosely) stuff I can only eat very tiny portions of, if at all, and most meat things are completely off the table unless I make it myself.

I was and still am very high energy. I have always been skinny or slender since I started walking, had some body image issues after being sick and I could count every rib. At the time of going to the nutritionist, I was 190 pounds of mostly muscle.

She looked at me like I'd lost my goddamn mind when I said I wanted to gain some fat and I wanted to know why I just wasn't. I was a freshman. I knew about the freshman fifteen. Instead of gaining fifteen pounds, though, I lost it, and it was fifteen pounds I didn't really have to lose. I was eating something ridiculous like almost double what the average woman "should" be, calorie wise, basically constantly snacking because I was always hungry.

Two years later I was in the hospital for a month. A wheelchair for seven. Lost almost eighty pounds in eight months. Died three times.

It's five years past that now. I'll never be able to fly like I used to, but I can pick up unsuspecting coworkers and adoptive siblings again, which is great fun for startling them. I can renovate my house without too much issue. I weigh 160 lbs now, and for the first time in my life, I have fat on me, after seven years of working at it and so many goddamn catastrophes it's ludicrous.

It took me seven years to gain twenty pounds of fat. Of me actively working on it. There's no such fucking thing as "weight gain!" pills, and there's no such thing as "weight loss" pills either, and take it from an Irish woman? Starving yourself doesn't work either. If you feel good in your body, if it works for you regardless of your weight, then you're fine. The only way anything is going to change is a massive force--like illness, or amputation, or cancer, or occupation, or food scarcity.

Fat people's positive representation in media is shit, and the way that Americans, at least, tend to see fat people is shit, and I'm sorry. You are worthy of feeling at home in your body, without fear of judgement of yourself or society, of feeling good without reservation. The twenty pounds of fat I've gained has, no joke, changed my life. I don't get cold standing in front of a refrigerator, I'm not utterly terrified of getting sick again and dying of something stupid like bronchitis or strep throat. I feel good, and I hope that you can feel good too, and not continuously damage your body by yoyoing your weight with attempted diets and pills.

[possibly-eli]

my curse is that i want to accept the way my body is. the only way ive found i lose weight is if i starve myself. unfortunately for me, that is bad and also i like food too much to do that. and then there was that “take the bear pill” post that was unironically pretty inspiring. but also i always invision myself (when i draw, in my mind, in the headspace) as like. thin. or skinny. and i Want to be thin and/or skinny. but as it is right now, that wont happen. so im caught between trying and failing to get the body i always invision myself as, and Want. and trying to accept that i wont, and being something id rather not be (or at least, am not Sure id want to be)

and like. its pretty upsetting for a lot of reasons. and sometimes i like my body. i like that im soft, and warm, and i like how my stomach is, and that i have thick thighs and stuff. but i also Dont.

and i feel like if i was taller thatd be fine???? like. im 5 feet tall. ive /been/ five feet tall for years and im not exactly happy about it! cause /everyone/ in my family is tall except me. and i feel like if i was /tall/ and built how i am, id be at least a little more ok with it. but im not, and realistically, theres nothing i can do about it. im 5 feet tall and i think 80 kg. and im really not happy about it

and i dunno! i know a lot of the shame i feel is because of external things but like. i dont think thats the sole reason i want to be skinny. i /want/ to be thin because i /want/ to be. and i fucking cant be! and im really fucking upset about that!

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #224

Do you want the last dream you had to come true? No.

When did you last talk to the person you’d most wanna talk to right now? I was talking to him on Discord earlier.

What kind of pill did you last take? My Klonopin that I take daily now.

Do you like wearing glasses? I mean, I don't really care too much, it is what it is, I wanna see, but I'd certainly prefer not needing them. I hate smudged lenses and it'd be nice to not even have frames obscuring my vision. I can't do contacts, especially because my worse eye needs a weighted one and it gave me a headache when I tried contacts again.

What would you most like to eat right now? Fast food, admittedly. We would usually eat out once or twice a week, but in the past... three weeks maybe, we've done it once. I adjust very poorly to change, and without Mom's car, her being extremely financially in the hole, and things like delivery being very expensive, we just haven't been able to. I have had a HARD time adjusting, as much as I hate to admit it. I despise how much I enjoy fast food.

How long were you last in the car for? Around 30 minutes, coming home from Girt's place.

What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade? I started dating Jason.

What’s the scariest thing that’s happened to you? A breakup so debilitating and world-shattering that I wanted to die every waking moment for over a year and it culminated in me trying to kill myself. That was all pretty fucking scary.

Has an ambulance ever came to your house? Yes, for both me and my mom. When I was a teenager, maybe for Ashley when she had her POTS fainting/seizure episodes?

Whose pool did you last swim in? A family friend's.

What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? I don't know.

How many different cars have you driven? Two, and one was for driver's ed.

What did you do on Thursday? I just hung around here.

What do you do on Fridays? Ordinarily, help my mom watch my sister's three kids.

What door did you last open besides any on your house or car? Girt's car when he brought me home.

Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering? I put it in the laundry.

What movie are you embarrassed to admit you’ve watched? None that I can think of.

Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I wouldn't have to think about this for a moment, hell yes I would.

If you were starving on a freezing mountain, would you eat your friend? Some things aren't worth living after, no.

Does the movie Titanic make you cry? It sure did, haha. I cry VERY easily, though.

Have you ever had an embarrassing period story? If so, what happened? Not that I remember.

Who is a former friend that you wish would come back into your life? I think I'll always miss Megan. I shouldn't. She lied to me about so, so much because she wanted pity from an online friend that couldn't verify she was lying. Forever shoutout to Mazzy for making me face my fear she was bullshitting everyone, Megan admitted to it when I confronted her. Then she just ran and disappeared from my life. I don't think she was some dangerous predator or something, I genuinely believe she was just a kid making a fake life on the Internet to get sympathy from people.

Have you ever thrown up in public, in front of someone else? If yes, was it embarrassing? Yes. Once in true public (in kindergarten), once in front of Girt in an extremely embarrassing show. I don't count my mom, she's almost always present when I throw up because I call for her to be with me. I have an extreme phobia of vomiting and get legitimately terrified when I feel it coming, like my body doesn't know what to do.

Did you ever take your dog to school? Yes actually, I remember bringing my dog Teddy to my 5th grade class one day. I can't remember what the occasion was, though.

Have you ever seen a Broadway show? No.

What by your definition is the naughtiest thing you have done? I am not comfortable sharing that.

Do you like your best friend’s parents? Could you even tell me their names? I only know his mom (who's great) 'cuz his dad died before I ever met his family. Shelia (yes, it's spelled that way) is his mom, Donald Sr. was his dad.

How many fridges are in your house? One.

If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Of course he would, if he was with me.

Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? If I was single, Richard Kruspe and probably Mark Fischbach still. What opposite people, that's an image. 😂 Idk I love Oliver Riedel (another member of Rammstein) too and he's such a sweetheart too, maybe I'd replace Mark with him, at least he and Richard are homies so it'd be less awkward lmfao. Ollie is married though so Marie approval before something like that.

What color are your towels? We have different colors.

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two.

Have you ever needed to call the police? 911 when we thought my mom was having a heart attack. She actually wasn't, I can't remember exactly what the issue was, but it was... extreme for her. And extremely terrifying.

Are you afraid of walking alone at night? I'd be terrified, if I actually did this.

Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? Girt's car, with Girt obviously.

Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school? No, I was a very good student. I only ever got in trouble for excessive tardies in the morning, because I was pain in the ass to get out of bed in the morning so I'd occasionally be a few minutes late to my first class. I had detention once for this because I reached the threshold they allowed, and it was the only time I've ever had detention.

Have you ever been offered drugs but declined? I've never been offered drugs, I think. But possibly at a party I went to at my friend's place? Summer knew I didn't smoke weed, but I suppose it's possible one of her friends offered me a hit but I woulda said no.

Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted? No. Well wait, alcohol is considered a drug, in which case, yes. But that's it.

Tell us something weird that turns you on. I mean, "weird" is subjective.

When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual? Girt and I have been dating for almost three years now, so obviously it was mutual. No one else has admitted anything since.

What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? I'd prefer to not get into it, because it's stressful to think about and I'm just gonna ramble, and I ramble badly about shit I barely even care about lmao, nevermind something I've thought about a lot.

When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? A few days back with an armchair diagnoser about someone she's never met but is passionate about. She was VERY passionate about it and was aggressive at opposition. Don't try to diagnose people you don't fucking know, lads.

Do you usually initiate hugs? Yes.

What are you looking forward to? Seeing Girt again, I miss him.

Do you think you’re a good person? I try to be.

Are you a very open or private person? It depends on the topic.

What is your favourite Christmas movie? Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I also really enjoy Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

What do you get complimented on the most? My hair or tattoos.

If money was no object, where would you move to? Blue Ridge Mountains in NC.

Who was the last person to make you cry? I think my mom.

Who was the last person you talked about sex with? I'm sure it was Girt.

Post a screen shot of your Twitter "Interactions" page. I don't use Twitter and Twitter and all Elon Musk owns/creates can rot.

Click on the messages tab on Facebook, post a screen shot (erase surnames for safety). I could do this one, but I just don't feel like it lmao. I'd wanna censor their whole names and photos.

Post a screenshot of your tumblr activity page. THIS one is purely I just don't feel like it lol.

Do you believe in soul mates? Nope.

Do you play video games? Yes.

What age do people usually mistake you for? I've been mistaken for ~19.

What perfume do you wear? I barely ever wear perfume at all. I think I have one called Blush in the bathroom cabinet, and it smells nice, but it's years old lol.

When you wash your hands, do you use the cold or hot tap (faucet)? We have one handle; temperature depends on which direction you turn it. I tend to just push it up towards the middle. If I'm in a place where there ARE two faucets though, I'll pick the hot one.

What is the biggest injury you’ve ever sustained and how did you do it? Running down the road as a kid and falling. I tore my knees the FUCK up, I'm talking treating wounds for a long time that involved blood and pus both.

What is the most unique animal you’ve ever touched? An Abyssinian ground hornbill named Ike at a local bird sanctuary, probably. I had a once-in-a-lifetime experience to have this bird bond with me. One of the employees was nearby when he just walked right up to me at the fence and wanted attention and she said she'd never seen him do anything like it with a guest before. He stayed with me for as long as I remained there, and we got photos and video. He really enjoyed me gently petting him.

Which would you rather out of these 3 options? A: Be good looking and extremely intelligent but so poor you live on the streets. B: Be extremely intelligent and a millionaire but what society classes as ugly. Or C: Be good looking and a millionaire but extremely academically challenged? Why? B, so long as you don't mean ugly at heart.

Would you rather raise 25 children or have the chance of ever having children taken away? Why? I WISH I was infertile, dude. I'd rather kill myfuckingself than have 25 children.

Whose concert would you most like to see? Rammstein, it's not even a competition. Not just because I love them, but they famously put on a serious show.

Do you have any regrets? Of course I do, I don't know if I believe people who say they don't regret ANYTHING.

Who are the three most important people in your life? Mom, Girt, and... idk about the third. If Mazzy and Tez can both count despite being two, then them.

Are you afraid of dying? I mean, I'm afraid of the experience of dying, but not death itself. I believe death is just exactly as things were before I was born: complete lack of consciousness.

[kart0]

Venting about me being stupid tw ed and suicide thoughts

...hey

I feel like I should start this by saying I've been actually pretty well lately ! I am drawing again, I lost weight which was something I really wanted, I think I made new friends, and I've been growing a lot on social media - I love the attention btw

So what do I have to complain now ? Dani doesn't this get tiring ? Uhhh yes but it's my blog so FUCK YOU

Anyways, it's exam season and there's a lot of things to do. And I have to mention I am illiterate I do not read nor am good at writing. I guess it has to do with my anxiety, I have a lot of thoughts. A LOT. That keep playing 24/7, so it's kinda hard to write something coherent.

So, I have this class, ceramic class, and I am terrible at it. Like. Super bad. Everything I do looks so bad it's literally disgusting to look at. Ok so we had this essay to do and I did, proudly, and I finish it on time which made me so happy. And I thought I did pretty well in fact !

Hm. Thought. We got our grade today and I got such a bad grade. Like. Not even half of the grade. And now I can't stop crying and feeling so stupid specially because ! Basically everyone in my class uses Chatgpt and gets away with it. And I swore, on my life, that I would never, NEVER, use AI to do my work. To do nothing, really. I have an ego the size of the universe, and I am extremely proud. It's my dignity on risk. What would my parents think of me ? What would I think of myself ???? I would never do that. Instead I keep writing everything on my own, with references of course. I used to think I'd rather get a low grade instead of using chat fucking gpt.

Well, now that I actually got a low grade I am really really upset, and regretful. Why did I have to be so proud and stupidly arrogant with my abilities. I know I FUCKING KNOW I can't write for shit. I keep thinking about how I should've used AI.

And I feel so shitty I skipped dinner tonight. Because I feel like I should starve and die. I do not deserve food. All I have to feel right now is fucking pain, and be miserable. Because I am failing this class. And I know, rationally speaking, this is super dumb. It's just a class and it's just one essay y'know. And I need to eat. Cuz honestly I'm pretty hungry.

But I keep thinking about what I did, and how I could've done so much better. I feel like such a fool.

Such a fucking fool.

And now my thoughts are spiraling, how I should either dropout of college (again btw) or kill myself ! Damn bro. Chill for a second.

And I have been eating less. Too less in fact. That's how I've been able to lose weight. So eating even less each time feels like a sickly accomplishment somehow. And I keep weighing myself everyday, morning and night. Sometimes 10 times a day. And all I want is for the number to get lower. It's so sick I should stop but I don't know how. And I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I haven't told anyone about this.

I need to lose more weight, I NEED to lose more weight. Keeps on replay, and I work even harder to not eat. It's a game of being unworthy of basic human needs. I am starving myself to death. I know that.

And now I am punishing myself by not eating anything at all because of a fucking essay. Why do I keep doing this. What am I even trying to achieve with this. I keep feeling sick and nauseated and it's so bad and I keep taking pills for headaches and I just feel so... stupid

But I need to see me getting skinnier. I feel proud. And there was a time when this happened before too, when I was 18-19. I was so skinny back then and I did not eat.

And now it's happening again and I can't remember how I stopped the first time.

I don't want to feel sick all the time. I don't want to keep looking at the scale. I don't want to think I have to deserve food.

I don't want to die.

But I want this to be over. So much. And I know it's not the end of the fucking world but why, why does it feel like this all the time. Why can't I be normal, and have normal thoughts, and behave normally, and just be fucking ok for once.

I was doing so well... How did I end up like this again.

When will this ever stop ?

[moonjxsung]

Pookie I feel like I'm doing something wrong in my life. I don't like how I look, and I weigh a lot. The people telling me to lose weight are completely right tbh. I should just lose weight. But everytime I try, my body physically can't. I've been thinking about starving myself and getting diet pills or something. I've been starting to starve myself, and I've noticed some changes

I don't know why I'm telling you this. I'm sorry. I have no one else to talk to other than you and this anon community.

TW: talks of weight & body insecurity 🫶

Pookie ☹️ first of all anyone who EVER tries to tell you what you should do or how you should change yourself is NEVER right. There’s no such thing as correctly putting someone down. That’s just called being a shitty fucking human being.

Second: Please don’t starve yourself my pookie. I know it’s also exhausting to hear people tell you the same version of “please eat!” But it truly has so many adverse effects and it’s not going to make you feel any better about yourself. It’s so important to be able to experience life and be present for all of it and be able to feel happy when you’re living for yourself and you can’t do those things when you’re depriving yourself of your body’s basic needs. You gotta be there for yourself, your body is relying on you!! Eat healthy if you want to and if you want a little treat then HAVE a little treat. Go to the gym if you want to and don’t go if you don’t want to. But whatever you decide, make sure you’re doing it for YOU. You can’t live your life giving in to the insults and demands from shitty people. You’d be trying forever if you did that (and life is too short to live that way!🫶)

Be there for yourself and be kind to yourself and allow yourself to take up space. Where what you want, act how you want, tune out people who don’t hype you up the way you deserve. But don’t ever allow yourself to give into negativity because that just spirals into a LIFETIME of trying to please other people. Talk kindly about yourself and take care of the vessel you’re in, it’s your HOME !! 🫶 I’m grateful for you always and grateful for your body and your mind and every little molecule in the universe that aligned so that you could be here and be present. And your weight is so, so beyond insignificant in the grander scheme of all that.

I’ll never forget a time my sister went on a crazy diet and lost a ton of weight, and someone we loved so dearly said to her “I hope you’re not doing it for anyone except yourself, don’t disappear on me!” And I think about that always. Don’t shrink yourself to please others! Don’t disappear on me for the sake of shitty people! It has to be YOU at the end of the day- every decision you make and every outcome that stems as a result. Be kind to yourself and if you look in the mirror today and hate your reflection imagine there’s a little Moonjxsung on your shoulder hyping you up.

OKAY? Okay. I love you (without bounds and infinitely more than that!) 🫶💓🫂

[bulimic-bunny]

My experience with Ozempic [-20 kg in 2 months]

I think many people have heard of it as a magic weight-loss medicine, but in this post I would like to explain HOW NOT to take it. First of all, if you have been diagnosed with any eating disorder, please give up the idea of taking it! The problem is that all of us in the ed community are obsessed with weight loss and you start living in a sense of euphoria from constant weight loss. You get into a utopia where there are no binges, no hunger, where even your most favorite food doesn't interest you anymore, where you have a lot of energy, even though you might have eaten your last meal a couple of days ago. Anyway, I've had 2\4 shots, but it keeps its effect for about another 1-1.5 months. After the first shot, the feeling of hunger was gone the next morning, but it's not that shitty feeling like other pills, when you feel sick and nauseous and other symptoms and so you don't want to eat. Here you just stop craving food, like all my bulimic thoughts of filling my stomach got removed from my head. I used to drink sugar-free energy a couple of times a week, just for the taste, but I was full of energy. When I looked at the food, it seemed like an object of furniture. The weirdest thing was that my stomach wasn't rumbling, I just didn't want to eat. I lost the first 10 kg in 2 weeks. During that time I ate baby food three times because my mom was worried and drank about 4 cans of sugar free energy drink. In two weeks! Ozempic has to be injected, I am very afraid of any injections, so I decided not to take it anymore. For the next week I continued to fast, because I didn't want to eat at all. But it turns out that the body can not starve so long, one day I woke up feeling nauseous. I vomited bile for two days. I had to have a glucose drip because my glucose levels were so low that all the doctors were horrified. Then I stuffed myself with food at least once a day and lost another 10 kg in a month. So what was the problem? When you are a person with any ed, you cannot force yourself to eat under the influence of this medicine, because the delight of your condition and the lost kilograms is maddening. What could be more perfect than a constant feeling of being full? I can't help but admit that I wouldn't want to do it again, because my whole life is about losing weight, but I just ask you not to make my mistakes and if you decide to take this medicine, make sure that you eat at least a minimum amount of calories.

It's been half a year now, I had a binge after not very pleasant events in my life, so I got 10 kg back, but fasting is absolutely easy for me now, so I lost -5 kg again in the last month, because even after half a year I have no feeling of hunger and I eat 100-150 calories a day. I do not wish this to anyone, because I understand the damage it does to the body. That is why I recommend any diets, medications, etc. other than this. before(1,2)\after(3 same jeans,4,5)

I know that the result is not huge, so this is just another confirmation that this kind of violence on your body is not worth it

[sickbutskinni]

tw: ana and drvgs

i’ve been clean from drugs a year today, but not much feels different. i should be proud, happy, excited. but instead i’m looking for any NA meeting I can attend in the next week to make sure i don’t fuck it up.

i’m in a healthy happy relationship (the same one from before, it’ll be a year on march 7th) but for some reason i feel like i need this illness back, the drugs, the starving.

i was offered benzo’s for my wisdom tooth removal in april and i tried to be smart, i tried to turn it down. but because of my anxiety they want me to take some to calm me down before, i’m worried that actually physically taking the pills is going to cause a relapse. i’m gonna fuck up everything that i’ve worked so hard for.

i’ve already adjusted my eating habits because of an endoscopy i had. they told me not to eat or drink after 12am and since then it’s been so much easier to just not eat. i feel like i’m in control again. i’ve gained weight, healthy weight. i’m 152lbs right now. that’s good for my height. but i feel disgusting. i feel like i never should have let myself get that high up. i want to see bones again, i want to be sick. it’s a sick feeling. i don’t know how to cope with this and i don’t want to cause issues/burden in my relationship.

i’ve been drinking again (which i don’t consider a relapse because i was doing xans and coke so i mean, better of the three) but i feel like i’m slipping, i don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like an issue,

he makes me feel validated and tries to help but i always feel like a burden when talking about my issues because i know he has his own shit to deal with and it isn’t fair to put this on him.

i’m not looking for advice, i just need a private place to vent.

i hope you’re all doing well, and heading on a path to recovery. i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

[fgsfds09]

this is violet

she cuts her own hair, likes holographic stuff and hasn't showered in two weeks

i currently have two reqs lined up and i'll get to them before the year ends hopefully

more stuff about the future of the account and me are under the cut but tw/cw for mental illness and suicide ideations i guess

ok, so, i don't want anyone to reply to this, talk about this or reach out to me about this at all. any attempts will get you blocked on any platform i have you on. i just want someone, ANYONE, to hear me out. i know this is cringe, but i don't care, i no longer have the will to care. i don't care if you give two shits about me when i don't show the same kindness to myself.

i've been at my lowest for months at this point that it's getting funny, since november of last year holy shit did everyhting just get worse. if it's a mental breakdown it's been breaking down for months what the fuck is this supposed to be? the other time i felt like this was in highschool but it wasn't exactly the same. i had a life goal, it wasn't to get good greades or get in a good university or finish shit on time or even become a better person, it was starving myself until i either died or reached my goal weight which ot lower and lower. and now im so fat again and i feel like her efforts were in vain, what did she do this for? i thought getting into a decent program would fix this and i actually did feel happy, but im such a miserable pathetic cunt that nothing ever is enough, NOTHING IS ENOUGH AT ALL

am i so retarded that i can do nothing by myself? i've been losing friends left and right but it's all my fault, always my fault and honestly it doesn't matter anymore because tthe end goal is to block and remove every single one of them, every single one of you, every single person that might have interacted with me and either diasappear or end it all. the firnends i got from wattpad 7 years ago and the frends they brought along th way were the rock, they got me through all these times, they showed me unlimited and unconditional love and support and what do i give back in return? NOTHING AT ALL can't give them a better version of myself, can't give them a better friend all i can be is a retarded piece of shit and leave them behind which is so so fucking sad. i will at least treat them tea and home baked goods some fucking day but god i hope that day comes soon because i cana't take it anymore. but i love them, i love them and my cat more than fucking anything and im so glad i have them as my true friends, i hope they know they're th best things that has ever happened to me.

tip: if you ghost people for long enough they give up on checking on you and that's for the better, they better not know i exist, i no longer exist

the night, the fucking night in february that i finally decided to overdose and end it all i realised that i had ran out of my pills :DD the fuck. and then i lost my courage because of course i did. but maybe that's a good thing, the silver lining in still being alive was i started browsing gore subreddits and decided that the best way for me to go was a shotgun suicide. deep throat that shit and tilt back and bliss. i hope. it's so fucking scary to think that if i miss i'll become even more of a burden to my parents AND THEY'D MONITOR EVERYTHIGN i wouldn't even have the chance to try again. but i'll cross that bridge whe n i acquire a gun, i'll tint that shit pink and bedazzle the shit out of and clear a good 70% of my head out :3333 if i ever feel ready to go before that i'll hang myself in the farthest woods from my city and bloat with all my might, get so disfigured that they won't ever identify my ugly face. until then a girl can only dream...

shit gets better for a moment but then im back at square one, what good am i to this world? other than sitting on my ass, listening to shitty music and walking around the dining table fantasising about all the things i could've achieved and eating up daddy's money, i am nothing. nothing, just nothing. all i do is take up space and be a burden to those that love me. my parents tell me that i am not a burden but i can sense it, i can feel it, the thoughts are there in their minds. i am not sure if it's the sunk cost fallacy but one of us will have to cut our losses and understand that we will get nowhere. i guess that would be me, my parents could never ask me to leave. i know that they love me, but sometimes love is not enough and they can still love me whereever i am, i don't even have to be alive for it. all they are believing right now is that i am doing better and me taking less meds is the right thing all while my mind is in agony. but it's not real, it's in my head, and i am so ashamed, so fucking ashamed. i already do my best to disappear from their lives, i give no input to famil decisions, i try not to spend money, what else can i do? let me rot in my room and call some cleaning services, idc. i no longer want a room in the house they want to buy. the sooner they start pretending i don't exist the better it will be for all of us.

less meds mean more alcohol, i can get away with more alcohol and maybe even i shot up some heroin people would care about me less. i would do that given i had the chanve and that thought is so fucking terrifying. knowing that i innately want to destroy myself, and will fucking do so, it's terrifying. i hate every single part of myself, the part that is scared and the part that is mad, there is nothing good in me other than pure misery. i don't want to be sober, i don't want to be sober, i don't want to be sober, i don't wanto be sober at any moment of the day, not anymore not anymore not anymore not anymore. i am so terrified of men that the thought of being alone with A MALE FRIEND makes me sick to my stomach. nothing would happen, nothing would happen other than exchainging some laughs and memes BUT I AM TERRIFIED. I AM SO SCARED. i am so scared. so scared of everything. nothing ever happened to me that would justify this fear but my god does me brain hate me so much that it keeps giving me irrational fears to prevent me from ever escaping this room. living with my parents, it's so hard to destroy myself. they don't want me to drink even beer and i can't even cut anymore since i wear such revealing clothes. the cuts on my thighs from february or march are still visible and im scared they will always be, why are they so brown and ugly and not faded?? wrists get a milky white colour, WHY ARE THESE SO VISIBLE? no one has cauht a glimpse yet but what could i even say? a cat doesn't scratch in that pattern.

i live in a shit country in a shit city with shit people while being the biggest of shit myself. sometimes i even wish i was hitler so that i could be someone, ANYONE.

maybe one day i'll read this and cringe. maybe one day things will get better and i'll realise the progress i've made, or maybe, more possibly, i'll reference this post in my suicide letter in APA 7th edition format if i ever write one.

holy fuck was writing all these shit cathartic. i don't know why i wrote this at all. maybe i wanted someone to acnowledge me, that my existence wasn't in vain. my i wanted to acknowledge myself. each passing day i feel like im getting more separated from my body and my real life body is a different person and i, as my cconciousness, am somebody different. i hope one day i will be able to feel the same and a real person, but those days seem too far away.

won't even tag anything, pretend this never existed.

edit: 4.51am, i just learned a 22 year old girl killed herself by throwing herself on the tracks. i'll be 22 soon. maybe that will be my tipping point too.

[leseigneurdesinferieurs]

In my deep depression and recent mental health plagued I have of course been keeping myself company with poetry and literature and words. It’s notoriously known that deep existential thinking and mourning of your past is very healthy and will make you feel so much better.

With this I have written some poetry and of course must share it amongst you people in case somebody sees it and likes what they read. Note that as of writing these they are not part of my new anthology as that involves a lot more cursing, being generally offensive and anger. That being said please appreciate my poetry. I apologise to those who find it to be to dark and sad.

Off Into The Void I Go

The nights weigh heavy, cold and close the door,

Between myself and all I used to be.

I hear your laugh with someone else, no more

Are you beside me. Loss is all I see.

I watch the world through fractured, hollow glass,

Each breath a whisper, crumbling in my chest.

The days, they blur and pass, then slowly pass,

Until they’re gone. Perhaps it’s for the best.

The mirror shows a stranger, pale and thin,

A face I barely know, but still must wear.

I wash my hands of this old life I’m in,

Yet filth remains — despair is everywhere.

I cut the threads that held old friends too close,

For silence now is easier to bear.

Their voices only haunt, they don’t console;

In every word, the lie of “I still care.”

This weight, it sinks me deeper in the void,

Where nothing soothes, and nothing pulls me back.

Each hour feels like time I can’t avoid,

A train that speeds along its final track.

What comfort lies in pills, or smoke, or glass?

The hollow things we clutch when all else fades.

These fleeting moments hold no strength, no past,

Just emptiness that leaves us more afraid.

The world outside is cold, yet colder still

The thoughts that gnaw inside, they never leave.

No cure for this; no hope, no magic pill—

Just days of drifting by, too numb to grieve.

And so, into the void I quietly go,

No fanfare for the broken, just the night.

Perhaps there’s peace beyond the pull of woe,

Perhaps we fade, then fade into the light.

“Cold Hands”

The night they found her wasn’t cold,

But bright beneath that neon sky.

She lay there, broke beneath the mold,

Of love that withered—gutted, dry.

The sirens hummed like tired bees,

In swarms, they circled dead-end streets,

While no one cried and no one prayed,

Just another ghost in these cracked concrete days.

The world moves fast, they say, and strange,

We wear our masks, we shift, we change.

But in the shadows, something crawls,

Between the hearts we’ve slammed to walls.

Her name was Amy, quiet girl—

She used to dream of city lights,

Met a man who fed her pearls,

Then left her starving on lonely nights.

They played the game, like we all do,

Of texts unread and calls ignored,

Of promises made in darkened rooms,

Where love is sold and hearts are whored.

She took his lies, took every blow,

His voice as sharp as fractured bone,

Until one night, beneath the glow,

She made him feel her knife alone.

Cold hands in colder sheets,

What does love mean if it dies in the streets?

A corpse wrapped in something sweet,

Now her heart is ash and her soul’s incomplete.

They found her body, limbs all wrong,

A mannequin left out too long.

Her lover? Gone, no sign, no trace—

Just blood smudged on a broken face.

And when they asked, what did they say?

“She’s just a girl who lost her way.”

But here’s the thing, we’re all so lost,

In every hand we’ve double-crossed.

Love isn’t love, it’s just a game—

You find a face, you take a name.

And then you push and pull and fuck,

Until it snaps beneath the muck.

I saw her once, or thought I did—

She looked like someone once who smiled,

But now her eyes were hollowed lids,

Her lips drawn tight like winter’s child.

I passed her by, like we all do,

Another ghost among the few,

Who lived and loved and burned and bled—

Then disappeared like all the dead.

We dress it up, we make it neat,

But in the end, love’s dead in the street.

We say it’s tragic, then move on—

Until we’re dust, till we’re all gone.

Cold hands in colder sheets,

What does love mean if it dies in the streets?

A corpse wrapped in something sweet,

Now her heart is ash and her soul’s incomplete.

So here’s the truth no one will say:

We all just fake our love away.

We text, we post, we fuck, we lie—

And then we leave, and let them die.

[anaboveaveragefailure]

For anyone trying to lose weight and feels like they can’t, sometimes you really can’t, but that doesn’t mean you should give up, here’s my story to help put things into perspective:

My issues with my body started when I was 13. I weighed 115 pounds but I felt like I was fat because of the shape of my body. All my friends started getting boobs but I didn’t, instead my hips got wider and I became wildly self conscious, my mom told me I’d grow into it.

When I was 15 I weighed 120 pounds and I had a tiny belly, but the fact that I wasn’t flat bothered me. My mom told me how she did sit-ups every day so I starved myself and did sit-ups but nothing changed.

When I was 16 I got diagnosed with PCOS due to my heavy, long and very painful periods and I was told the only way to fix it was to take birth control pills. If I could go back in time I never would have said yes. The pills didn’t help much but by the time I was 18 I had gone up to 190 pounds.

When I was 18 I started starving myself. I would go days without eating. I would consume nothing but black coffee and water with the exception of one or two meals a week and within a couple of months I was down to 175 pounds and I was proud, thinking back I hate that I was.

I was 19 when the pandemic lockdown began causing the strongest depression I went into, and it made things way worse. I started binge eating and by the time I was 21 I weighed 230 pounds and stopped doing any kind of physical activity.

When I was 22 I started doing regular workouts again. I walked on a treadmill but every few weeks I would lose my momentum and stop again, this cycle went on for almost a year.

On my 23rd birthday my parents announced a family hiking trip and I wanted to be able to do it without huffing and puffing so I started working out to build resistance. I started with only one workout a week. After 2 months I started feeling better when I worked out, so I started doing two workouts a week. Within another couple of weeks I was up to three and I started eating clean, and then 4. It’s now been 10 months of my working 6 days a week.

I started with one 15 minute workout a week on a treadmill and I now do 6 40 minute workouts of either dance or strength training or even running every week and yoga for at least 10-15 minutes every day.

Have I lost the weight? No.

Have I lost any weight? No.

Why have I kept going? I feel so much better. I might not like how my body looks but I am proud of what my body can do.

I can breathe better.

I can move more.

My joints have started hurting less.

I don’t starve myself anymore.

My body craves the movement.

More than anything else, I am happier.

Sometimes you don’t lose the weight, but all the good things that can come from trying are worth trying anyways.

[bursting-at-the-seems]

TW: FatShaming, disordered eating thoughts mention

I can deal with people brining it up to my face though id prefer it if they didn’t. Or waited till I brought it up. However discussing it behind my back… hurtful.

If I’m honest, this wasn’t the first time. My weight has been a topic among family members since I can remember, and the whispering conversations and gossip always find their way back to me. It's hurtful. It's been detrimental.

These comments led me to unhealthy behaviors: starving myself, binge eating, taking diet and water pills, over-exerting, and purging. The comments continued regardless of my weight—thin, fat, lost, or gained—it was never right. Even at my healthiest, I heard, “That will look better on you with another 10 lbs down.”

I've heard people equate food with morality—some food is good, some is bad, and you are good or bad for eating it. I’ve been offered lap band and gastric surgery by non-medical professionals—my family—over lunch.

I’ve watched my mom starve herself and purge. I’ve seen my family yo-yo on weight, trying every fad diet out there. They blame my chronic illnesses on my weight, despite my explanations that they are genetic conditions, a symptom and not the cause.

For years, I thought something was wrong with me or that I was a failure, but it was my body fighting me tooth and nail. The psychological trauma I endured made eating disorders a sense of control in my life, and honestly, I gave up for a while. Nothing I did mattered to my body or my family.

Years of therapy helped me come to terms with my trauma, improve my self-image, and realize that fat doesn’t mean not beautiful. I learned that my family’s expectations were not aligned with my doctors, personal trainer, or my body’s needs.

Despite all that work, finding out that people were discussing my weight behind my back still cut deep. I sent a kind yet direct text to my family, letting them know I was aware and that it needed to stop. I explained my health, medications, how they impact my weight, and what I am doing about it.

Most didn’t respond, as expected because I told them they were not obligated to, but one did. The response was defensive: it’s out of concern and love, it's meant to be helpful, I shouldn’t stir the pot, I can’t be happy unless I lose weight, I won’t have a husband or kids unless I lose weight, and my genetic conditions might improve if I lost weight.

I stood my ground. I spoke calmly. Then I I yelled, I cried. I explained how hard it is to fight my own thoughts, my own body, the doctors who refuse to take me seriously, and my family.

I reminded myself I’m fortunate to have a team of doctors who assure me that my genetic conditions are not caused by my weight and that my weight is not our primary concern. It's sad that I'm fortunate to have only had a handful of doctors ignore the red flags in my chart because they said weight was my only issue. For some people, that's all they face.

The rest of the day, I felt awful. I felt like the monster they must all see. I’m 5'10" and wear on average a size 20. I know I’m over weight. I’d love to get to a size 16 or 14… I’d love to lose 50-100 lbs. I’d love to have a body that’s healthy and sustainable. I’ve lost weight, gained muscle mass, lost total body fat mass, and still, I feel like the monster on the hill. I am making progress to my goals…

I had to force myself to eat today because after all that, I desperately wanted to starve myself. I know it’s not worth it, it’s not healthy, and I won’t do it, but the desire to punish myself and not eat was strong. I paid attention to how much I ate versus my roommate and her sister and felt guilty for finishing my dinner.

I’ll go to sleep now and hope tomorrow is a better day. All I can say is I’m grateful for my years of therapy. Without them, this would be much darker with a longer impact.

[cherrybomboyfriend]

i love my shrink like 12 am kitchen visits

may 6th, 2024.

xxxo… i kiss my psychiatrist’s ass just to get pills quicker. i don’t like her because she reads me like a book more often than i would like her to, yet i can’t lie and say that she’s horrible at her job. i’ve been in and out of therapy for years yet i still lack the courage to tell a single soul about my eating disorder history. i paddle between referring to it as a past event and a current situation because— truth be told i don’t know whether or not I’m lying to myself about being better. i mean im feeling better? i don’t compare myself to other women daily anymore and feel comfortable enough to have my pictures taken without crying on the inside thinking about how a certain angle would make me look 15 pounds heavier. despite all this though, a bug crawls inside of me throughout the back walls of my trachea. it whispers out words of desperation every time i go to the doctor and see that i’ve gained more weight. it remembers how skinny i was back when i took pills that made me drop pounds weekly. it remembers how fun it was to wake up every morning thinner and thinner, looking forward to spending my days in and out doing nothing but curating diets for myself as if im a little animal with a feeding schedule. i feel bugs crawling all over my skin every time i eat past 6 pm. i hate being fatter. i hate that i don’t exercise three times a day anymore. i hate that i don’t feel the need to starve myself. i hate that ive changed. i don’t deserve to change. i wanted to hit a certain weight before trying to recover for good. i’m 20 pounds away from it and something inside of me is itching up the walls of my throat. i want to make that old version of myself proud. i want to tell her about how these new pills i take make me drop pounds like flies while sitting on my ass, but my psychiatrist won’t answer her phone. please endorse my dirty little secrets. please allow me to eat myself alive without anyone watching.