#abandoned by his father and rejected by his community and desperate for the acceptance of the only family he has left

[sirenofthetimes]

Every Proposal on Gilmore Girls Was Absolutely Unhinged

This show was rich in couples, swimming in conflict, and desperately lacking in healthy communication. Which made for some batshit marriage proposals! Let's go:

Christopher to Lorelai in Season 1 ep. 15: Christopher Returns

In Christopher's first appearance on the show, he rocks up to Stars Hollow on his motorcycle at the end of the previous episode, out of the blue, and in this one archetypes are made clear: he establishes himself as the irresponsible deadbeat single dad to Lorelai's hardworking, mature yet still fun single mom. They have a weird dinner with everyone's parents where his parents, Straub and Francine, are shown to be even more uptight and awful than Richard and Emily can be. A lot of fighting and yelling and relitigating past choices ensues. Then Lorelai and Christopher go off to have emotional, nostalgic sex on her childhood balcony, and off the strength of that, he walks into her kitchen the next morning and blurts out that he wants to marry her so they can be a "real family". They barely see each other. They know hardly anything about each other's current lives. This is the first time he's visited the town they've been living in since Rory was a child and yet. A marriage proposal. Naturally, she turns him down, but we have not heard the last of Christopher Hayden.

Max to Lorelai in Season 1 ep. 21: Love, Daisies and Troubadours

This relationship was used mostly to discuss Lorelai's commitment issues, the difficulties of dating as a single mom, and have her fight allegations of her being promiscuous (which are not true, she can be very sexually conservative) by having her do something risky like try to date one of her daughter's teachers at the stuffy private school that also exists in her parents' world. So despite them having okay chemistry, they haven't really dated much and broke up after two months before getting back together shortly before the night of the proposal. Max comes by the house to pick Lorelai up and finds Luke there getting his toolbox and relaying the news that Rachel broke up with him (because she has a basic level of intuition and picked up on his feelings for Lorelai). Max and Luke have a very cringy dick measuring contest, Max (in possession of similar intuition) assumes Luke and Lorelai dated at some point but it's not season 5 yet so she's not legally allowed to admit she's into Luke. They argue, Max expresses frustration that their relationship can never seem to get off the ground, and what does he propose as a solution? Yoking their lives together in blessed matrimony. Lorelai is justifiably frustrated and tells him that's not how you propose, that a proposal is supposed to be special and grand. She lists "a thousand yellow daisies" as an example how to truly pop the question and the next day Max arranges for that famous logistical nightmare romantic gesture at the inn, then says some flowery bullshit on the phone and because it's the season finale and emotions are high, Lorelai accepts. Though later, right after her bachelorette party, she runs away and calls off the wedding. They meet a couple more times for closure, and then the relationship is truly dead.

Jackson to Sookie in Season 2 ep 13: A-Tisket A-Tasket

Sookie and Jackson's budding relationship has actually been pretty nice to watch up until this point. They have a fun balance between awkward but cute flirting and comical bickering about produce. But there's something in the area's water supply that makes people unable to clearly express their wants and needs in a romantic relationship so when Sookie doesn't respond how Jackson wanted her to to him saying his lease was up and asking her what she thought, he sulks. The sulking manifests itself in him not bidding on Sookie's basket at the bid a basket auction so she confronts him to see what's up and they actually manage to have a decent conversation about what moving in together would mean. And that could've been a nice ending for that storyline. But shacking up together? Out of wedlock? Impossible. So at their picnic for two, Jackson fakes Sookie out and says he doesn't want to talk about moving in together any more... because he thinks they should get married. Sookie, reeling from that whiplash, accepts, and since the rules of TV beta couples states they must move faster than the main will-they-won't-they couple at all times, they get married, stay married, and continue struggling to effectively talk through big life decisions,with some admittedly nice moments in between.

Lorelai to Luke in Season 5 ep 22: A House is Not a Home and Season 6 ep 1: New and Improved Lorelai

Lorelai and Luke are in kind of a weird place at the moment, with Luke upset with Lorelai for considering selling the Dragonfly to a corporation owned by one of her father's contacts, which would have her traveling and consulting instead. While she's not too serious about it, she's enjoying being courted by the company, but this is in complete disregard for the giant house Luke bought without telling her or the kids he's thinking about having that he also hasn't discussed with her so it's causing problems. This is forgotten however with the news that Rory wants to take time off from Yale after receiving some rare negative feedback, and that Richard and Emily are letting her stay with them after just telling Lorelai they would help her force Rory back into Yale. So when Lorelai walks into the diner lamenting the fact that Rory is making a decision independent from the vision Lorelai had for her life, and Luke comes forth with a nonsensical plan to, again, force Rory back to Yale, Lorelai is touched that she finally has someone on her side. And since she's a veteran of the season finale marriage proposal, she celebrates having her partner agree with her by asking him to marry her. He accepts in the next season's premiere with no hesitation, but eventually their tendency to hide things from each other to not ruin their relationship.... ruins their relationship. Shocking.

Zack to Lane in Season 6 ep 16: Bridesmaids Revisited

Zack is on a bit of a redemption tour after ruining Hep Alien's showcase in front of a major label by throwing a tantrum about Brian potentially writing a song for Lane. This random burst of jealousy sends him on a power trip that has him throwing out their set list and screaming at his band mates until a fight breaks out and the band and him and Lane split up. But when he sees Lane in the music shop some time later putting up a flier advertising her drumming services to other bands, the thought of her daring to potentially continue living her life without him spurs Zach into action. He convinces Brian and Gil to get the band back together and they're in if Lane's in. And his way of getting Lane back is to walk into Luke's while she's working, go off on some tangent about how he doesn't feel good, and propose in front of a huge crowd of gossipy small town people. Lane must have smacked her head on some antique furniture that day because although she at least stops to ask if he's thought about this, when he presents her with the pawn shop ring he got that "belonged to like an Elk or a Moose or something", she accepts and walks right into marriage and babies land and right out of development that would make sense for her character or be interesting.

Christopher to Lorelai in Season 7 ep. 7: French Twist

Ever since Lorelai walked out of her fraught engagement with Luke and into Christopher's bed, he has taken the reality of a woman coping with feelings of rejection by hooking up with the man she keeps stashed in the background for occasions such as these, and spun it into an elaborate romantic tale of two star crossed loves who waited their whole lives to be together. And when Sherry who, guided by the hands of karma, previously abandoned Gigi leaving Christopher to raise her on his own, writes a letter saying she's totally fine now trust her and wants Gigi to spend a few months with her in Paris, Christopher invites Lorelai along for a big romantic gesture trip. They spend most of it jetlagged, but Christopher remembers he's super rich now (as opposed to just being regular rich like before) and he bribes a restaurant to open early for the two of them. Lorelai, basking in the romance™ of it all, confesses her love, and Christopher pounces on that and starts in on a whole speech. Basically, even though he said he'd be willing to wait for Lorelai to fall in line with his vision, he doesn't feel like waiting any more. Lorelai, sensing where this is going, suggests they wait, as they've only been really dating for a couple of months. She also brings up Rory, figuring she'd want to be up to date and present any big changes. But Christopher waves those perfectly valid concerns away, stresses how long they've known each other, insists that they're meant to be, and fate has brought them together. And then comes out with it and asks her to marry him. Which are very intense words for Lorelai, an emotionally vulnerable woman who just broke off an engagement because her fiancé seemed overly hesitant to actually get married, to hear. We don't see her accept, but there's a scene of them returning home where he calls her "Mrs. Hayden" (as if she would ever change her name), and their marriage immediately began to fall apart like wet tissue paper.

Logan to Rory in Season 7 ep. 21: Unto the Breach

It's the end of Rory's time at Yale, and on the heels of her New York Times fellowship rejection, rejections from other newspapers across the country, and the fact that she rejected her one job offer for better things that did not come, Rory's future is wide open and unstable. On the other hand, Logan is completing his character transformation from irresponsible party animal trust fund kid to hardworking and responsible trust fund kid, accepting a job offer for an internet company in San Francisco. The question emerges: How will the young couple handle this next phase of their lives? And when Logan shows up at Lorelai's house in the previous episode, he comes with a solution. He wants to marry Rory and take her to California, and he wants Lorelai's blessing to propose. She gives it, though not without trepidation, and Logan does propose. In the middle of the graduation party Richard and Emily are throwing for Rory, he gets up in front of everyone and takes out the ring. Rory is caught completely off guard and takes him outside to talk about it, where he reveals that he got the job, picked out a house for them to rent, researched newspapers where she could apply to work, and even planned activities for them to do in their spare time. The original plan being that she would say yes to his proposal without knowing all this and walk blindly into her new, pre-arranged West Coast life. But Rory needs time to process the idea of marrying Logan immediately after college, and on the day of her graduation, she declines. Logan decides if he can't marry her, there's no point in being with her at all, and the two go their separate ways, to eventually meet again in a years long affair, for some reason. Though I barely acknowledge the revival.

Honestly, the only proposal that truly makes sense is Lorelai's to Luke in the revival but I won't discuss it here because a) again, the revival basically doesn't exist to me and b) they should've married during the original run of the show.

[ave-immaculata]

will you tell us your conversion story? no pressure

Absolutely! It's pretty long, and trigger warning for some mental health issues, suicide, and sexual assault.

I think it sort of started way way back when I was 16. I'd been really struggling and had been misdiagnosed with so many mental health issues. I was medicated for these issues I didn't actually have (I'm autistic!) and I remember distinctly encountering a little voice telling me I needed to get off the meds I was taking. And well, I didn't know how to explain that and I was basically already experiencing visual hallucinations and having 20+ full panic attacks each day because of some of the meds, so it quickly devolved even further as a mess. I wasn't able to get off of them and it got bad enough I attempted suicide. I had what I refer to as a Divine Interruption where I just saw my mom coming in and finding my corpse, and it triggered a panic attack that led me to dial 911. I ended up being rushed to the hospital and they were concerned I'd have some permanent organ damage from everything I took, but thanks be to God physically I made a full recovery. I later found out that my attempt happened on the feast day of St. Jude, patron Saint of lost causes and desperate cases. There's a local parish named after him and I think someone asked for his intercession at just the right time. I was sexually assaulted not long after by one of my best friends. I remember another friend and her mom came over when I told her what happened and they helped me explain to my parents because I was really nonverbal after a bit, but the only thing I still remember saying was "What did I do wrong?? Why is God punishing me? Why does He hate me??" I had just started getting my feet under me post-hospital and then I was deeply betrayed and traumatized by someone I loved. Even though I didn't believe in God, I knew if He existed I must have been a terrible person in a past life or something to justify what was happening to me. Long story short, I ended up getting off of those medications and figuring out I was autistic (I was in a very bad scene and was cohabiting with a man way too old for me, but his son was autistic and he ended up mentioning his suspicions to me after one too many obvious childhood stories), and got really into atheism. I had a brief run in here with a home Bible study that I attended for a single night, without telling my boyfriend who was also super atheist, but I felt like I couldn't deal with Christianity while I was obviously in a situation they wouldn't approve of (premarital sex, BDSM, cohabitation, etc.) I ended up breaking up with him and moving back home, time goes on, in another relationship in the BDSM scene when that irritating desire for something crept back up. I found myself wanting to just sit in a Church's parking lot or to walk in on one that was open and sit. I didn't really, except once. I was too nervous to go in so I sat in front of a beautiful Mary statue they had out front. At some point I started considering the existence of God with an absolutely insane amount of pride. I was really stuck on the problem of evil (especially natural evil) and initially completely wrote off the Christian God. I tried praying and a lot of the time was vaguely if not outrightly disrespectful or blasphemous, especially when I got angry with God. I completely rejected the concept of Hell, was only interested in (eventually) finding a church that was LGBT+ affirming, and liked the idea of Quakerism, although I had some issues with it as well. I had a nagging in my head calling me to abandon kink and commit myself to celibacy but that was... terrifying. All of my friends except for maybe 2 were in the BDSM community. My boyfriend and I were both in it. I had introduced him to it! I worked up the strength to tell him I wanted to stop kink altogether and he totally agreed. I'd heard a liberal Christian talk about having pre-marital sex in a way that was somehow acceptable to God, but I tried that and I felt hollow inside. I felt like I was trying desperately to convince myself something was okay, that had always been okay, still was. But it wasn't, and even though he was okay with no kink he was NOT okay with no sex. I liked the idea of Mary though, and I didn't know what else to do, so I found a site that walks you through all the prayers of the Rosary on a whim (& gives you a different mini meditation on the mystery for each of the 10 Hail Marys) so I tried that. Then I did it again the next day and the next. Then after maybe a week I figured it was stupid and I should stop. I broke up with him, pandemic hit, and I was really left alone with my thoughts in a new way. I met a guy off (BDSM) Tumblr who was a professing Catholic. We messed around online for a bit but one day we had a really long phone call about religion. I told him where I was at and he just listened and supported that. He told me why he liked the Catholic Church even when I questioned him about it. I started looking into the Church's teachings and saw they were pro-life, side B, affirmed Hell, and a bunch of other things I just could never believe, so I set it aside. Then the 7th anniversary of my suicide attempt hit, which is always a harder time of year for me. The trees are all dying and I'm confronted with the memories of how horrific the hospital was, how desperate I was to escape life, how much I'd been hurting. I just felt this deep desire to try out the Catholic thing. To figure out the theological issues I had as I went. I prayed about it and signed up for RCIA pretty much a day or two after that, and from there it was... just a landslide. Once I was willing to give God an inch He gave back miles. My pride was my biggest issue through the whole thing, and like an excellent Father He just held my hand and guided me through it. I don't think Mama ever forgot those first few Rosaries I prayed. The Lord is so patient and generous and faithful. I remember one of the things that really helped me was the purpose of suffering, and specifically the idea that God suffers with us. There's a lot more to all of this, including more discernment between Eastern Orthodoxy and the Catholic Church, as well as looking into the historicity of Christ, wrestling with the concept of Infallibility, etc., but I think those are the big points of my conversion! For the record, I fully affirm all of the Church's teachings now, although some of them were easier and quicker to understand than others, but He helped me get there in the end. Also, ya girl's been completely celibate for almost an entire year! I found out that a lot of my issues had to do more with pride and vanity than with lust, but that's a whole other story.

[spencers-renaissance]

A Chronicle of Loss

Summary: 5 people Spencer Reid lost and 1 person he gained. A look at the traumas Spencer faces over the series, and giving him the happy ending he deserves.

Tags: grief, loss, abandonment issues, insecurity, depression, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, getting together, ‘didn’t know they were dating’, protective derek, autistic spencer

TW: self-harm, drug addiction, grief

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 3.6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

The Inescapable Unravelling (<)

1. William

Spencer’s only ten years old when he watches his father pack his bags in his parents’ bedroom, watches as he smiles sadly at the sorry sight of him and his mother begging him not to leave, only to ignore their pleas and walk out the door. He remembers the anxiety written on his mother’s face, the shame in her eyes at being left in such a cruel way, the uncertainty as to whether they’d cope without William like it’s branded onto his skin, an egregious mark he can’t ignore. 

Just like that, he became the man of the house. He became the voice of reason, the sensible one, the person dealing with Diana’s episodes, all while balancing his school work in a desperate attempt to live a different life to the one he existed in as a child. 

He knows it wasn’t solely Diana, or Riley Jenkins, or any average marital issue that caused him to leave, he knows it was partly that William simply didn’t know how to handle an autistic child prodigy. He had a genius son who struggled with communication, had no friends, and refused to engage in any of the bonding activities he came up with. In the end, Spencer being different only compounded his desire to leave and, eventually, he stopped suppressing it and gave in.

He’d never blame his mother, but her confusion in her episodes often sent him flying down half a flight of steps or clutching a stinging cheek or banging his head on a door frame. She called him clumsy and he didn’t correct her. She called him ‘crash’ and he accepted the nickname. Without William there, he was completely and utterly alone, left to deal with the grief of losing a father and a schizophrenic mother who struggled to look after herself, let alone him. 

He still thinks about it all these years later. He thinks about what his father said to Diana when he left: “you refuse to take care of yourself.” He reflects on the fact that he was well aware Diana wouldn’t be able to take care of him, that he would be left to fend for himself, that a 10 year old can’t provide adequate mental health support no matter how hard he tries, and he still left. He thinks about what that meant, how little his father actually cared for him. 

He still thinks about it, and he still cries. His first encounter with grief, and he was only 10 years old. 

2. Innocence

Spencer had joined the BAU at 22: three PhDs under his belt and a lifetime of expectation on his shoulders, but somehow he’d managed to remain the most innocent member of the team throughout the first few years of his job. Until Tobias Hankel had taken it and completely obliterated any shreds of naivete he had left. 

Of course, he knew evil. He’d even experienced it first-hand, he’d been viciously bullied growing up and he’d encountered his fair share of violent, deranged serial killers, but Tobias -- or, more accurately, Charles and Raphael -- introduced him to evil on a completely new scale. The pain and fear that had tormented him in that cabin lived in a secluded, festering part of his psyche, reproducing at a terrifying rate in his memory, never resting, never quieting, unless dilaudid was streaming through his veins. 

His innocence was gone; there was only darkness, loneliness, corruption, and he was grieving for something he’d never get back. His life was now separated into two distinctly different eras, marked only by his kidnapping, by the cruel torture he’d been subjected to. 

Along with his innocence, he’d lost his relationships, he’d lost the family he’d found and loved so dearly. Nobody tried to help him escape the clutches of his PTSD or addiction, he felt like he was drowning right in front of his friends while they talked and laughed among themselves, muffling his desperate cries for help, and the frustration and abandonment joined the pain and fear in their festering corner of his mind. 

He eventually gets clean, he eventually recovers. But he’s never the same. He’s forever tainted by the actions of one man -- a man he struggled to blame -- and he can’t help but mourn the life he had before Tobias, the optimistic, brightly coloured world-view he used to hold before it was ripped up, stamped on, and burned to ashes right before his eyes. 

3. Gideon

Gideon leaves. Gideon leaves and the blow is almost as crushing as it was when he was ten. His mentor, his father figure, his friend abandons him with no warning, no goodbye. It hurts that he didn’t think Spencer worthy of anything more than a useless fucking letter that he left for him in a cabin because he knew that Spencer loved him enough to drive out there and find it; he knew that Gideon was much more special to Spencer than he ever was to him.

This pain feels almost worse because he’s surrounded by people feeling the same way, if to a less extreme extent. He finds himself comparing himself to Hotch, Derek, the whole team: it makes him feel as though he’s overreacting when even Penelope, arguably the most emotive member of the BAU, seems back on her feet within a few days and Spencer still feels as though he’s been hollowed out and all his insides replaced with the smouldering ashes of grief filling him up, weighing heavy in his stomach, climbing up his throat and choking him. 

He drags his feet, he doesn’t sleep, he drinks coffee, he runs on auto-pilot. Others notice, of course they do, but there’s nothing any of them can say to make it better, not even Hotch when he’s pulled into his office and sternly told that he needs to open up. Spencer just looks at him with empty, exhausted eyes and shrugs. Weeks ago, he would’ve cried but there aren’t anymore tears to cry, he’s reached a truce with himself. He isn’t happy but he isn’t crushingly depressed anymore: he feels nothing, an abyss of grey matter circling around inside him as he struggles to perform basic functions. 

“It’ll get better, kid,” Derek says seriously one day when he sits down at his desk, dullness settled deep in his eyes and numbness deep in his veins. It doesn’t feel like it. 

Rossi joins the team and he’s nothing but cold towards Spencer and the rejection only adds insult to injury, and nobody seems to care. His stomach hurts all the time and he’s losing weight again, he knows, but he can’t seem to put any effort into anything at all, least of all trying to be happy, trying to look after himself. 

He’s lost his protector and he’s replaced by another person who sees him as an intentional but irritating robot to be used and discarded, not thought of again until another geographical profile is required, or an obscure fact would help the investigation. The agony of existence for almost a year after Gideon’s disappearance feels almost too much to bear, even if Rossi does warm up to him, even if he does eventually begin to heal and forgive. It’s the first time grief almost kills him, and he isn’t even mourning the dead. 

4. Emily

Emily’s death tears him apart. For the first time since the year after Hankel, he considers many things. He buys dilaudid and fiddles with the bottle every evening, torn between the sweet relief he knows would be guaranteed the second it’s flooding his bloodstream and the torment of knowing it was Emily who helped him get clean the first time, how disappointed she’d be if she knew he was throwing away all those hours she put in, disregarding the belief she had in him. 

He holds a razor over the top of his thighs and slashes as deep as he can bear, daydreams about burying the blade deep enough to slice open his femoral artery and give up, embrace the darkness that’s been living inside him for years anyway. But he can’t stand the grief it would bring JJ, losing another sibling to suicide, even if he isn’t blood related. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone but himself, but it’s so cripplingly tempting and the frustration at not being able to give in to any of his darker fantasies has him tearing his heart out. 

Instead he cries, sobs, weeps, over the death of his best friend, shouts in anger at the unfairness of Emily’s life being taken by a dirty criminal while he gets to live as she’s six feet under, dark and cold in the ground. Images of her beautiful face he loved so much rotting away, turning into something grotesque and mangled roam around in his brain and he berates himself relentlessly for not appreciating her wide grin and teasing eyes more, hates himself for not appreciating every single moment with her that he could. 

And when she miraculously rises from the dead, he can’t even appreciate it because he feels as though he’s lost another friend. JJ, the one person he tried every day to live for, pictured in his mind every time he considered ending everything, had deceived him, had held him while he cried, held a cool washcloth to his forehead after he threw up from the force of his crying and the extremity of his grief, had watched him writhe in agony, all while having the power to stop it and doing nothing. 

The betrayal dizzies him: he doesn’t know who he can trust and the shock of Emily’s return leaves him reeling. He’s cold to the people he loves, and he can’t rejoice in Emily’s return, can’t sit down with her and chat like they used to, or hug her again, or joke with her, or prank Derek together. Again, he’s drowning and this time everyone’s focus is on him but he’s refusing their hands reaching out to help, stubbornly accepting his fate, too scared to take an outstretched arm in case it lets him go again. Surely the cold darkness of the cruel waters is kinder than another rejection or deception?

Finally, finally, he decides to trust one hand and he’s pulled above the waters again, not quite out of the ocean but at least he can breathe. Eventually, he finds the strength to walk to shore and he’s wrapped up in Emily’s strong arms, burying his face in her hair and swearing he’ll never let go again. 

5. Alex

He never, not for a moment, blames Alex for her decision to let go. If anything he admires her for it, he’s proud she made the right decision for her and her family, and at least he saw this one coming. He’s lost enough people by this point that the loss doesn’t ache and burn and fester in the way it used to, and they stay in contact; they have a bi-weekly FaceTime call and she texts him memes that he doesn’t understand and book recommendations regularly. 

But that’s not to say that losing his maternal figure on the team, the woman who he’d connected with the fastest out of any BAU member, who had understood him in a way no-one else could, who loved and cared for him like a son, doesn’t stab him in the gut. 

He’d take a bullet for absolutely everyone on the team, but he hadn’t taken a bullet for Alex out of some misguided loyalty to a coworker or because she was a member of the BAU, he’d taken a bullet for her because she was the best person he knew, and - plain and simple - some inner, more primal instinct within him wanted to save her life. And she’d stayed with him at the hospital, a little due to her guilt, a little due to her seeing Ethan in him, but mostly because she loved him. 

And he loved her. So seeing her walk down those stairs and knowing she wouldn’t walk into the bullpen the next morning - no matter how much he knew that this was the right thing for her to do - left him feeling hollow again, a little broken, a lot sore. He missed her deeply, both because she was an amazing asset to the team, but also because she’s a beautiful person who brought sunshine to his gloomy world. She had an indescribable talent for making him happy, and he felt her absence in his every-day life bitterly.

Although she’s still around, she still finds ways to brighten his day, still has some creepy telepathic ability to know when he’s down and exactly how to make him feel better, it’s another loss to add to the many he’s somehow managed to have collected over the years. And he can’t seem to tell the grief in his heart any different. 

At least this time it can be temporarily alleviated by a text message. It’s more than he could have asked for, really. 

The Gradual Intertwining (>)

+1 Derek

He falls in love with Derek like the kind of slow and steady drizzle that’s almost indistinguishable from heavy mist; so easily confused for the ordinary, familiar platonic feelings he’s harboured for years. It’s because of this that he doesn’t put up an umbrella, he continues walking as he’s gradually soaked in deep, entrenched yearning, until one day, he finally realises it’s raining. 

It’s on the morning of Rossi’s 60th birthday party that it finally clicks and, suddenly, it’s obvious. He let Derek carry him to bed last night after he fell asleep watching a movie, for God’s sake: he’d even woken up on the way but faked it just so he wouldn’t put him down. He’s known for years that a 187 IQ doesn’t mean his emotional intelligence is excellent, too, but this feels ridiculous even for him. He’s practically been in a relationship for years and he had no idea. This must be why he always got that strange feeling in his stomach when Derek talked about literally anybody else.

This is not an ideal realisation to come to when Derek is currently cuddled around him, about to wake up any minute. Spencer tries very hard not to think about the fact that he won’t blink an eye at their entwined limbs and what that means, but he’s not exactly in control of his thoughts right now. 

He feels like he sleepwalks through the morning, trying to pay attention to what Derek talks to him about as he cooks him breakfast, but his mind has sort of short-circuited, not knowing how to adapt to this new information. His brain is not equipped to process being in love, and zoning out is as good a coping mechanism as any for now. It’s not until they head back to the bedroom to get dressed and ready for the day that he snaps out of it.

“Hey, pretty boy,” Derek says loudly, clicking his fingers in front of Spencer’s face to get his attention. 

“Hm?” Spencer hums, feeling the world fade back into focus despite the haze of confusion still dizzying him somewhat. 

“Alright, you’ve been spacy with me all morning,” Derek says, shifting his weight slightly as he levels Spencer with an inquisitive gaze. He can’t help but feel a cool kind of dread pour down his spine at the idea of that look figuring him out. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, sorry,” Spencer says, forcing himself to snap back into action as he attempts to compartmentalise. “Just… didn’t sleep well, I guess.”

Derek looks doubtful but takes him at his word. “Okay,” he acquiesces. “Better get dressed, though. We’ve got a lot to get through today.”

“We do?” Spencer asks, ignoring the fact that he’s still stood in his ratty, oversized shirt and underwear in front of the man he’s deeply in love with, maybe for the sake of his sanity, maybe because he finds it hard to be embarrassed in front of Derek Morgan, not after all these years. 

“Yeah,” Derek says, like it’s obvious, “we gotta run to the grocery store and pick up a present for Rossi - probably some food for this barebones apartment of yours, too - pick up my clothes from the dry cleaners, and swing round Penelope’s to give her the blender I borrowed back. And I know for a fact you have some work to do on your latest paper, as well.”

Spencer, with his new perspective on the situation, considers the fact that Derek has included him in errands that are pretty exclusive to his own life. He also considers the fact that he never would have stopped to think this odd if he didn’t have the knowledge he has now. Unfortunately, simply considering does not shed much light on the situation. 

Because of this, Spencer does what he’s always done. He nods and gets ready for his day of driving around with Derek doing very mundane chores and wonders why he feels so excited. 

(While they’re out and about, it strikes Spencer why the realisation that he’s in love with Derek feels so paralysing: almost everyone he’s ever loved has left. He’s 34 and he’s never had a loving, committed relationship, and that’s for a reason: there’s only so much grief one heart can take. How could he ever give himself over to someone, hand them the key to his heart, open the door into his life, knowing that they could leave? Forever simply doesn’t exist, not for Spencer anyway. And truly, he doesn’t think he’d survive the loss of Derek, he can’t think of anything in the world that would be more painful.)

Despite the emotional exertion of the day, Rossi’s party is actually fairly enjoyable, probably aided by the glass of wine Spencer had accepted immediately upon entering the garden, he bloody well deserved it after the day he’s had. He gets chatting with JJ and Hotch and he barely even notices the absence of Derek by his side, having been roped into a conversation with Rossi and one of his famous poker friends that Spencer wouldn’t be able to place with a gun to his head. 

It’s not long before they reconvene though, programmed with some kind of homing instinct that always leads them back to one another, and Derek’s leaning a bit too close. Spencer finds it a little hard to breathe with his body pressed so close to his own, Derek’s warm, wine flavoured breath on his ear making his insides flip and setting butterflies free to roam his stomach. 

They spend the rest of the party like that, pressed away together in a corner, tucked inside one another’s pockets, and Spencer knows that he’s responsible for at least half of the instigation: he’s pressing back against Derek’s side with just as much pressure, leaning in closer, laughing a little louder, not bothering to hide the adoration that must be plainly written across his face. 

“Wanna come back to mine for a drink?” Derek asks as the night draws to a close, and how can Spencer refuse? They spend more nights together than apart at this point, and the last thing he wants is to feel lonely tonight, not after today.

“Please,” is all he says.

No-one says anything when they leave together, Derek’s hand loosely placed on his lower back. 

Derek’s apartment is warm and tidy, the opposite of Spencer’s, but it feels just as much like home as his own when he steps over the threshold. He’s about to tell him just that, but as he turns around to face him, Derek’s looking at him in a way he’s never seen before and his breath catches.

“Spencer?”

“Yeah?” 

Derek steps a little closer, crowding into his space even more. “Can I kiss you?” he murmurs.

Spencer doesn’t bother answering, instead closing the gap on his own and pressing his lips to Derek’s. His hands go to Derek’s side on instinct but as he kisses back, Spencer feels one hand tangling itself gently in his hair, and another cupping his jaw and he gives way, melting into the touch. The whole thing goes right to his stomach, feeling it bottom out as the intensity of the moment threatens to overwhelm him before a small sound escapes Derek’s lips and he’s reminded who’s kissing him, whose hands are on him, who’s making him feel these things. All of a sudden, it’s easier to let go.

Their lips mould together as they collapse into one another, the final piece of the gradual intertwining of their lives and bodies over the last twelve years. A fire lights under Spencer and he feels his world tilt on its axis, except unlike previous life-altering experiences, this time it feels like its tilting into place, as though he’s been off-kilter this whole time, finally returned to his natural state. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve dreamed of this,” Derek whispers as they pull away.

“Why didn’t you kiss me sooner, then?” Spencer asks. 

“Today is the first day you knew you wanted it,” Derek replies, before he’s kissing him again. 

(Later that night, when they’re tucked into Derek’s bed, Spencer lies with his head on his chest, comforted by the steady, reassuring heartbeat as Derek whispers promises of forever into his hair. Spencer knows that nobody can ever really promise anything, but for the first time in his life, he decides it doesn’t matter. They’ll have to part some day, in one way or another - maybe Spencer will be the one to go first this time - but he realises that he’d rather have known Derek like this, to have known how it feels to love and be loved back, only to have him leave, than to have him stay and never know it at all.)

@criminalmindsvibez @strippersenseii

[enneagramwingmiranda]

How I Met Your Mother: The actual enneagram types of Ted, Marshall, Lily, Barney, and Robin

The Hopeless Romantic: Ted Mosby [Type 2]

“Love doesn’t make sense! You can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it or else we’re lost and love is dead, and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.“

Core Desire: To be loved, wanted, and needed

Core Fear: Being dismissed, discarded, or rejected

Ted’s main goal in the show is to find love and be loved in return (in almost a desperate fashion). He often does grand gestures to win love interests over and is dubbed as the most romantic guy of the friend group. Ted doesn’t really have much of a personality outside of just wanting to be loved. It is also noted that he is a bit pretentious and is also an architect. His behavior can sometimes look like a 4 but the enneagram is based on motivations rather than behavior. Ted doesn’t behave in much of a helper fashion unless there is a motive behind it (i.e. getting a girl to date him). However, type 2′s are connected to 4′s in that they can look like 4′s when in growth. It can be said that Ted is always in growth mode as he lives and learns from his failed relationships. With that said, Ted is 100% motivated by wanting to be loved, wanted, and needed. Ted isn’t the healthiest 2 and is a bit narcissistic, which clearly affects his behavior not appearing as stereotyped as a 2. He perceives himself to be the victim in a lot of situations when he has done a lot of messed up things to the girls he dated. He judges his friend Barney a lot for his behavior when he is a lot more like him than he realizes. He pressures Robin for life she doesn’t want and doesn’t respect her boundaries. However, the weakness of 2′s is pride and 2′s go into 8′s when stressed so maybe it actually does fit. 

The Humanitarian: Marshall Eriksen [Type 6]

“Yeah, I’m scared, ok? But when I think about spending the rest of my life with Lily. Committing forever with no other women, it doesn’t scare me at all. I’m marrying that girl.”

Core Desire: To be secure and in community

Core Fear: Being stranded and without support or safety

Marshall is very much defined by his loyalty and duty. He gives his all to his job, wife, family, and friends. He even only has been with one woman (Lily) and doesn’t quite comprehend his friends who have many causal relationships. He feels a responsibility to do good by the universe shown in his passion for global warming which is why he became a lawyer. He is very compassionate and always strives to be prepared. He balances out the sometimes impulsive and reckless, Lily. He is very down to earth and very grounded. Marshall is very much affected by those who take his loyalty for granted, shown in his utter mental turmoil after Lily abandons him and when his boss overlooks him so he quits. He values the security his circle brings him when life isn’t always so stable. Marshall doesn’t seem to have excessive anxiety which is the extreme version of a six. He seems to be a very healthy six.

The Bohemian: Lily Aldrin-Eriksen [Type 4]

“Definitions are important.”

Core Desire: To find her true heart and feel deeply seen and known

Core Fear: Being too much or not enough

Lily is a hard character to type. She comes off as a 7 with her optimism, fun-loving, and adventuress nature. She also comes off as a 2 due to her need to always give advice and sometimes assert herself when she’s not needed. However, when 4′s go into stress they look like 2′s. The friend group does put her in a lot of stressful situations. With that said, I believe Lily is a type 4. Lily is deep, introspective, insightful, emotional, and empathetic. She is very in tune with her emotions and challenges everyone else to be emotionally open and true to themselves. She is motivated by a need to be special and unique, as well as, leave her mark on the world. She struggles greatly with her identity and making sure she is living a life that is reflective of her truest self. This is essentially what gave her cold feet at first when she was engaged to Marshall; she felt she wasn’t being true to herself by neglecting her artistic side. She was very much an individualist in high school and college, with her gothic like style. It seems Marshall rubbed off on her a bit with his dutiful nature and stability. She eventually paves her way with her art career, achieving her desire and balancing it out with her duties as a wife, friend, and mother. When 4′s are in growth, they take on behaviors of a 1 and we definitely see this with her. 

The Womanizer: Barney Stinson [Type 7]

“This is going to be legen… wait for it …dary!”

Core Desire: To be free to meet his needs through finding new opportunities

Core Fear: Being trapped in pain or boredom

Barney is a classic 7 but a very unhealthy 7. He is constantly striving to fill himself up while avoiding being tied down. He essentially has a sex addiction and avoids connecting emotionally to protect himself from the emotional pain that could follow a heartbreak. He sees the bright side of every situation, in his case, inappropriately hyping up and idealizing the bachelor (fuckboy) lifestyle. Barney’s utter lack of empathy is quite concerning, though it’s just a comedic TV show so I’ll try not to look at it so seriously! 

The Skeptic: Robin Scherbatsky [Type 5]

“I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you.”

Core Desire: To be competent and self-sufficient

Core Fear: Being depleted and without resources

Robin is very isolated, logical, and introverted. She very much appears as a 3 because she constantly expresses that her career is her main priority, however, I believe Robin does this because it is the ‘safe’ thing to do rather than having a deep innate desire to be successful. She turns down a lot of potential opportunities due to fears of overextending herself. Robin also isn’t very image oriented; what you see is what you get with her. For Robin, it’s about independence and being able to meet her needs without needing others. She is extremely knowledgeable about means of self protection. She is motivated by a need to capable and competent. I believe that the trauma she faced from having a father who did not accept her for who she is and emotionally neglected her, resulted in this personality development. She believes she must to be enough for herself because her emotional needs were never met. The isolation she creates between herself and others is a survival method she developed and had to unlearn. Luckily, her friends served as a safe space for her to be vulnerable and in community.

[belorage]

Wes for the full clear on the OC asks? 😘😘😘

— OC QUESTIONS

BASICS

What’s their full name? Wesley Daniel Brooks

What does their name mean? Why were they named that? Wesley means “western meadow,” Daniel means “God is my judge,” and Brooks means “stream.” You can find my real world reasoning for choosing his name here. As for the canon reasoning, Wesley is a family name on his father’s side and Daniel is a good Christian name. 

Do they have any nicknames? Lots. Wes is the big one (Hwes if you’re Hurk Jr.), Rook, Dep (Deputy if you're as extra as John Seed), Bright Eyes (Raf only), Sundance (Nick only), Darling (Lyra, when she’s being cheeky), and probably a handful more that I’m forgetting.

How old are they? 28, almost 29 as of the start of FC5.

When’s their birthday? November 11, 1989

What’s their zodiac sign/element/birthstone/etc.? Do they believe that holds any significance? Scorpio sun, Aries moon, Aquarius rising. Year of the snake. Birthstones are topaz and citrine. He isn’t aware enough of any of this to believe in it.

What’s their species/subspecies? Do they have any special/magical abilities? He is a natural disaster in human form. His special ability is that he somehow manages to survive that for as long as he does.

What “class” do they belong to (for fantasy characters)? If none, what weapon do they favor? A revolver (Steel & Ivory), a sawed-off shotgun (Sin Eater), or basic hand-to-hand. Close combat is preferable to range. He also uses homemade C4 in his tireless crusade against cult infrastructure.

APPEARANCE

What do they look like? He’s 6′3″, has brown-ish hair (specifically, a warm golden bronze color) and hazel eyes with long eyelashes. Fit, moderate-to-lean build. Sharp features, angular jaw, a pronounced Cupid’s bow. He has the facial hair of a man who has forgotten to shave for two weeks, because he is—you guessed it—a man who has forgotten to shave for two weeks.

Do they have a face claim? Tomas Skoloudik

What’s their style like? Clothes, hair, makeup? Casual clothing—flannels (often tied around the waist), t-shirts, henleys, jeans, boots, jewelry (gold, leather), leather jacket, cargo jacket. His hair is messy and soft, just like he is, because he doesn’t overload it with hair products unlike some people. He’s got an ouroboros tattooed around the lower part of his right forearm and (universe-dependent) John and Lyra’s names on the inside of his wrists.

How do they carry themselves? What’s their default expression? He attempts to project swagger and indifference, but to anyone who knows him and is paying attention, he’s an open book. In a comfortable environment, he’s loose and casual. His default expression is fixated if he has something to occupy his mind and distant if he doesn’t.

Do they have any physical ailments or disabilities? No, but he’s got bruises and flesh wounds aplenty! He’s got bite marks and scratches galore! You want knife-slashing scars? He’s got twenty. But who cares? No big deal. Wes wants mooooore! 🎵

PERSONALITY

What’s their alignment? Chaotic Good/Chaotic Neutral

Which one of the 16 Personality Types do they fit into? ISFP

What are their hobbies and interests? Do they have any particular “favorites” (food, books, and so on)? I answered for his favorite films and TV here, and his favorite book is Watership Down. He likes the Beatles and bar snacks and black coffee. His favorite cultists are Lyra, John, and Shaggy—please don’t judge him.

What are they bad at? Dancing!

What kind of things do they dislike/hate? Hates being controlled, dislikes very sweet things.

Do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses? Impulsiveness, reactive behaviors. He smokes and drinks, although neither of those are done with a shocking amount of excess. Previously, harder drugs. 

What are their goals and motivations? Freedom and acceptance.

What are their manners like? Any habits? He’s not a jerk; he has passable manners when the situation calls for them, but Emily Post would like him not. His habits are covered in much more detail here, but the big one is that he tends to busy his hands and/or mouth with things wherever possible.

What are they most afraid of? Rejection, abandonment, enclosed spaces, death (specifically, the possibility of an afterlife). 

BACKGROUND

Where were they born? What was their childhood like? Born in Hope County. He was an only child and his home life was suspect, but made moderately more bearable by his best friend. Once he realized trying to please his father was a losing battle, he said hell yeah to a downward spiral of rebelliousness and troublemaking.

What’s their family like? His dad was a jerk of the sort that would never be satisfied. Big on toxic masculinity, short on acceptance. His mother loved him, but she fell in line more often than not.

What factions or organizations are they a part of? What ranks and titles do they hold? Hope County Sheriff’s Office (probationary sheriff’s deputy), Hope County Resistance (figurehead, pot stirrer, problem magnet). 

How do they fit into their “story”? Barely. Next question. I hate to use this word yet again, but it’s the only one that fits: his story is mostly about acceptance—self, fate, fault, sorrow, joy—because as much as he desired acceptance from others, he denied a lot of it for himself.

Where do they currently live? What’s their place like? He grew up in the Silver Lake trailer park, way up on the northeastern end of Holland Valley, near the Whitetails. For the duration of the game timeline, I picture him spending more time crashing where he can—with the Ryes, in the woods, wherever—but his own place would be sparse and fairly untidy, with clothes tossed everywhere. 

How do they eventually die? Wesley intends to live forever. How dare you insinuate—

RELATIONSHIPS

Do they have any friends? Would they consider anyone to be their best friend? Within the timeline of the game, he has quite a few. Raf is his best friend (and has been since they were kids), but Nick (and Kim) are both up there. He has a soft spot for Mary May; that seems to be reciprocal. He appreciates Grace because she doesn’t ask unnecessary questions. Sharky and Hurk offer unconditional friendship, which he appreciates and sorely needs. Adelaide is the vodka aunt who thirsts after his ex. She tries to rile him up sometimes (in a myriad of ways), but he likes her. And if you account for other universes, his friend count goes way up thanks to the various and sundry brat squad kids.

What’s their friend group like? What role do they play in it? When he was younger, he was the introvert-adopted-by-an-extrovert. He was a bit too withdrawn to have friends outside of that, though he wasn’t unfriendly. For a bulk of the current timeline, his friend group is “ragtag misfits” status and he basically gets ping-ponged between them as they try—with varying amounts of success—to fight a cult.  

What’s their love life like? (See also: ship question meme.) Do they have any kids? Depends on the universe. In canon, it’s messy but becomes significantly healthier later on. His previous relationship was promising and likely would have been ideal, except that they were young and unable (or unready) to deal with the realities of their situation. In AU, he is enemies-with-benefits but also grossly in love with the Judge of Eden’s Gate and her husband (who was a fun surprise, but it’s fine, because Wes got Lyra back by giving her a gracious two-for-one deal on children)!

Who do they look up to? Who do they trust? Whitehorse is something of a father figure, though Wes would never say that out loud. For the record, neither would Whitehorse (at least not directly to Wes)—mostly for Wes’s benefit. He trusts Raf, Pastor Jerome, and the rest of his friends listed above.

Who do they hate? Do they have any enemies? Joseph, because Joseph is daddy issues incarnate. Jacob, because Jacob understands Wes well enough to yank him around like a dog on a leash. By the time the Collapse hits, everyone is his enemy to some extent (as evidenced by the adorable horns and pointy tails drawn all over his wanted posters). Notable exceptions are John, Sharky, Hurk, and Whitehorse; however, all but the first are functionally unknown to him.

Do they have any pets? Just Boomer, who is the best emotional support animal a disaster could ask for.

Are they good with kids? Animals? He’s naturally good with both children and animals, but he lacks practical experience, especially with the former (shout-out to the Ryes for finally adding that to his resume).

FUN FACTS

Which tropes do they fit? Which archetypes? Tropewise, he’s Troubled, but Cute and I can’t refute it; apart from the high school thing, it’s a full BINGO clear. He’s also Bruiser with a Soft Center, Inferiority Superiority Complex, Cosmic Plaything, Desperately Craves Affection, Hero with Bad Publicity, I Am Not My Father, and almost certainly a whole host of shameful others that I don’t dare brave the rest of TVTropes to find. Of the twelve classic archetypes, he’s some combination of The Hero and The Outlaw. Otherwise: fallen angel, antihero, byronic hero, prodigal son. 

Do they play any instruments? Sports? He can play guitar, but only at an intermediate level. He’s not big on sports, but he can ice skate and he likes to swim.

What are some items they always carry? Steel & Ivory and a lighter; later, Sin Eater. In New Dawn he carries John’s watch.

Do they collect anything? Bad decisions. Minicultists, apparently. Nothing in particular.

What position do they sleep in? His default position when he’s alone and in a comfortable place is on his belly. There are exceptions listed in greater detail here.

Which emoji would they use the most? Honestly, he’s not really the type to use emojis, but he will send his love interest pictures of things he likes or finds pretty with no context. Otherwise, his texts tend to be short, to-the-point, and lacking in punctuation or capitalization. Believe it or not, he’d much rather communicate in person. My most frequently used emojis for him are 🍰 and 🐍. (Awww, cake and snake... They rhyme. How precious!)

What languages do they speak? English. He knows a limited amount of Spanish, but he’s better at understanding it than he is at speaking it.

What’s their favorite expletive? Damn or fuck.

What’s their favorite candle scent? Pine.

What songs remind you of them? I have a playlist for him here, but it—much like him—is a bit of a mess. I also have a playlist based on his own taste in music here.

Which animal would you say represents them? Snakes, stags, swans, scorpions.

What stereotypical high school clique would they fit into? Loners or troublemakers, probably. Stoners on a technicality—he doesn’t fit the stereotype, but he does have a history. He has some of the soul of an art kid but, tragically, none of the talent.

What would their favorite ride at an amusement park be? At a real amusement park, probably the roller coasters. At something more lowkey like a carnival, he’d like the classic, aesthetically pleasing rides like the Ferris wheel or the carousel.

Do they believe in aliens? Ghosts? Reincarnation or something else? He’s not an “I Want to Believe” sort of guy, but he still can’t explain the Larry Parker debacle. He tries very hard not to believe (or at least not to think about) any sort of afterlife, because he fears it.

Do they follow any religions/gods? Do they celebrate holidays? His family was Catholic, but he endeavors not to be. He likely wouldn’t celebrate holidays as a bachelor overmuch, but he would take part in holiday activities with others.

Which Deadly Sin do they most correspond to? Which Heavenly Virtue? Pride and Fortitude.

If you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, which would it be? The Tower, The Devil, The Wheel of Fortune.

[bigskydreaming]

Like the thing is, Dick’s actual canon adoption, in Gotham Knights #17?

I don’t like it. At all. I actually hate it. Like a lot. LOL.

It SHOULD be heart-warming. It SHOULD be the peak of Bruce and Dick’s relationship, the culmination of all the good between them that very much does exist, despite how much I rant about Bruce’s parenting flaws and writing.

But it wasn’t. Because it was just the two of them in the Batcave, and maybe some people might say that’s how it should be because it was just about them, it was intimate, needed nobody else....but it wasn’t just about them.

Because they’re hugely high profile, both in their civilian and superhero personas. EVERYONE is involved in their fights, even if just as spectators, because there’s no way to not be aware. Their years of distance were very public matters, gossipped about in both civilian and superhero circles.

And ignoring that ignores the effects that all of this had on literal years of Dick’s characterization.

In GK #17, Bruce says this is long overdue....but he also goes on to say its just a confirmation of what was already known and felt between them for years, that it was a mere formality as much as anything.

But??? No???

That’s not REMOTELY accurate to Dick’s characterization during any of their periods of estrangement. It completely disregards dozens of issues that built upon or even revolved around Dick’s insecurities about his place in Bruce’s family and in his eyes. These were things that had huge effects on Dick’s other relationships, and the dynamics he built with almost all his friends and family. Its a direct source of how almost desperately Dick puts himself out there at times, emotionally, in order to leave no doubt whatsoever as to how he feels....because unintentionally or not, he’s understandably been conditioned to view it as HIS fault, a lack on HIS part, when people don’t give him the emotional responses he’s looking for and hoping for, like, he’s come to believe its because he’s just not being clear enough about what he wants and needs from other people.

All of this directly stems from Dick’s abandonment issues and fears of rejection, extremely critical parts of his core characterization....and there’s no way to divorce those things from the fact that he has literally at times been kicked out of the Manor, been coldly dismissed, willfully ignored, etc. It doesn’t matter if you regard most of those things as bad writing or not the parts of Bruce’s characterization you’re looking for.....because like it or not, the end results are extremely apparent and relevant parts of Dick’s characterization, that like...there IS no other source for, because like....his relationship with Bruce is the ultimate foundation of who he is as an adult, its his most important relationship, bar none, and like....of course his relationship with the person who raised him is going to have the most powerful impact on who he is as an adult, be the most significant influence on his strengths AND his weaknesses.

Ignoring how Bruce’s bad writing shaped Dick in turn, ignores huge parts of how Dick has been shaped and who he’s been shaped into.

And nothing to me embodies that, and writers and fans’ willful choice not to engage with huge parts of Dick’s canon characterization because of how it reflects on Bruce....than in the adoption scene in GK #17.

Its treated as an afterthought, like a formality, like its just a token of something that’s long been accepted as fact when....it just wasn’t. Not by Dick. He didn’t have anywhere close to a rock solid certainty that this was the spot he occupied in Bruce’s eyes, because no matter how many times Bruce may have SAID he viewed Dick as a son....actions speak louder than words, and Bruce is VERY much a man of action, more so than words. 

So there’s simply no rational way Dick can be expected to look at Bruce’s actions in having adopted Jason and established a precedent for being willing to do that, as well as Dick’s own actions in asking flat out, why he couldn’t have been adopted too, clearly expressing a desire for this.....like, there’s just no way you can have Dick look at those factual observations, and compare them to Bruce merely having said on occasion that he viewed Dick as a son or couldn’t love him more if he were legally his son....and NOT come away with at least some kind of nagging uncertainty or doubt like....if that’s actually true, where has that offer of actual adoption been before now?

So...it wasn’t a formality for Dick. It was him FINALLY getting this thing he very clearly had been wanting and wishing for in canon for years and years....

And just seeing it TREATED like an afterthought.

He was expected to put on a tux and ‘perform’ for crowds of rich Gotham snobs who sneered down their noses at Bruce’s charity case, while growing up....but the one time Bruce actually steps forward to claim Dick as his son, in no deniable terms....Bruce does it in the shadows, in the Batcave, with just the two of them, like they were all that mattered.

But they weren’t. Because as I said before....their fights, their estrangement, the times Bruce PUSHED Dick away and KEPT him at arms length...those were ALL a matter of public record, within the hero communities if not the actual Gotham public.

And I maintain that for Dick’s sake, the inverse of that, Bruce’s stepping up and trying to FIX all of that, trying to establish no matter what else has come between them, this is who they are, father and son....

It should have been just as public. It should have been Bruce staring down all the people who’d sneeringly dismissed his son as a charity case and not worth their time, with a press conference or party, and him saying in no uncertain terms, in words nobody could get wrong, no, fuck you, this is my son, every bit as much as any of you have children. This is my heir, and I’m proud of him and I WANT him.

At the very least, where was the rest of their family? Where were Dick’s friends? Where was his Uncle Clark and Aunt Diana, the Titans, where were Tim and Barbara and Alfred?

What, like, its not weird that the next time Dick saw all of those people and they asked hey, what’s up, anything interesting happen last week, he had to have been well Bruce adopted me, so there’s that...like....does that not strike people as fucking WEIRD to have to like, here from this grown man himself, like its just this incidental thing that happened over the weekend instead of a BIG FREAKING DEAL...especially given that anyone who knew and loved Dick KNEW how much he had to have been wanting this? Where were the celebrations with his friends or family, where was Donna hugging him and Roy and Wally clapping him on the back and saying congrats man, we know how much this has to mean to you? Where were Clark and Diana staring at Bruce with carefully impassive faces with just a hint of judgment but also upturned lips as they’re like....well its about damn time, you dumbass?

Nah. Instead, we got Bruce and Dick, alone in the Batcave, with Bruce awkwardly saying well I meant to say this all along, but here’s me saying it in writing for this first time, with just you around to witness it...and Dick saying, aww, its no big deal, in fact I didn’t even really need this, I know how you feel Bruce and I always have.

Like??? FUCKING NO HE HASN’T LOL DICK NOT KNOWING FOR SURE WAS LITERALLY THE DRIVING FORCE BETWEEN A DECADE LONG CONFLICT BETWEEN THEM, LMFAO.

And you’ll never convince me that on some level, Dick didn’t take that adoption and secretly in his heart of hearts still nervously wonder if it was real, if Bruce meant it...or if he’d just done it out of obligation, because if he really meant it, why do it so quietly, when Bruce’s primary characteristic is he doesn’t know HOW to do subtle, lol, the only real way he ever knows how to express himself sincerely in just about any other instance is with GIANT GRAND GESTURES because he KNOWS he’s emotionally repressed and anything less than that is almost inevitably doomed to be misunderstood. When Bruce REALLY wants something expressed, he goes big or goes home.

But an adoption of his adult son, years after that son has made it abundantly clear that he wanted this, an adoption that he himself calls a mere formality and tries to undersell as no big deal, not even what REALLY matters....

That’s not going big or going home, its just....sad.

I mean, that’s how it came across to me.

I WANTED it to be heart-warming. I WANTED it to be everything that Dick had ever wanted from their relationship.

I just....don’t think it was anywhere close to that.

[chiclet-go-boom]

waxing philosophical about star wars on main because i don’t do side blogs

There’s a meta post from @symptomofconvalescence going around this morning about Kylo Ren/Ben Solo that crossed my dash a couple of times, stating that the base of his character is wanting to be loved and valued and seen. I don’t normally involve myself with meta discourse but I quietly disagree with most of the opening statements although I’m in general agreement with the tone of the conclusions, so I’m going to take a minute to talk about why. I’ll quote the relevant passage below: 

Fundamentally, he wants to be loved, he wants to be valued, he wants to be seen. But he isn’t getting that love or understanding. Very early on in his life, he becomes convinced that his family betrayed him- justly and unjustly at the same time. His family loved him but they did make mistakes, grave mistakes, and Snoke was there to take advantage of that immediately. Understandably, he turns to Snoke who promised to make the pain go away, to make him a new person. But at some point he realizes that Snoke never cared for him either, and his heart and loyalties complete their shift to Rey. When Rey leaves him, he feels that he truly has no one left he can care for and no one who can care for him, so he spirals out of control into despair and anger.

Some quick notes on this:

Kylo’s had love and rejected it.

Kylo knows he has value - he’s had both sides of the sith/jedi line fighting over him his entire life after all and they’re still fighting. His entire life is a smoking battleground because of it.

Kylo doesn’t turn to Snoke because he thinks his mentor cares about him or is offering him less pain or an easier path. The Dark path is notoriously hard to walk. He doesn’t turn from Snoke to Rey because Rey cares more or that he wants someone to care about. Caring isn’t the problem here. 

What Snoke promised and what he killed Snoke for, was acceptance.

A statement to start with. Ben Solo is an extremely powerful Force user and part of his skill set includes both defensive and offensive telepathy, empathy and mental manipulation (along with incredibly fine-grained telekinesis and battle precognition but while I could absolutely get into that, it’s irrelevant to this post). He has the ability to break minds and extract information with ease and in movie-canon he appears to be Snoke’s chief torturer in that respect, sent to interrogate both Poe Dameron and Rey with the implication that this is just part of what he does for the First Order. 

Kylo knows he’s loved because he’s empathetic. He is also not unaware of what Snoke feels about him which isn’t going to be any kind of tender emotion like caring, except in the possible sense of how one might care for a pet - some amalgamation of possessiveness and pride and control for owning something rare and unique. When Han tells Kylo that he’s being used and will be discarded, that isn’t any sort of revelation; he knows that Snoke is trying to break him, trying to sift out the pieces that Snoke doesn’t want.

What Snoke offered to Ben was acceptance of who he was. Snoke wasn’t afraid of Ben’s anger - in fact, he praised him for it, elevated him for it, told him to embrace it, told him he could use it. Growing up with every adult in his life afraid of him on some level, that had to have been a very tempting feeling, to be wanted for exactly the flaw that everybody else wants you to carve out of yourself. Did Snoke stoke that feeling? Absolutely. Did he poison all of Ben’s interactions to make that crevasse, that disconnect wider and wider? You know he did. But it was still there to start with, Snoke just made it deeper and darker. 

That’s how the Dark works and what the Dark promises. That it’s possible to be self-contained, beyond all reproach, beyond all judgement if you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get there. Self above everything, above all things — everything else, every one else irrelevant. Ben felt (and for practical purposes was) betrayed by everyone in his life and Kylo is on a quest to amass enough power now — secular, mystical, emotional — that he can’t be judged and found wanting by anyone anymore. 

He wants to stop feeling bad about who he is. Wants desperately to stop caring what other people think of him because for all this power, all this potential, he’s been told over and over again that his essential nature is wrong and always has been.

Circling back, there is no way Kylo’s unaware of what his mother and his father feel for him - he’s right in front of Han after all, who I will remind everybody has nothing in the way of Force defenses, while they talk on the bridge in that pivotal scene in The Force Awakens. Han is pouring out likely megatons of emotion at his son in those few minutes - love, regret, guilt, compassion, determination, desperation - along with his verbal words begging his son to please come home, that he is loved and that he is wanted. Han’s not lying. And notably neither is Kylo which is why the whole thing is so terrible. 

For while Kylo verbalizes his conflict, acknowledges that he still feels, still cares, he still sacrifices his father because what Kylo wants in that moment is more important than his father’s actual life. That’s a quintessential Dark side move even if the aftermath didn’t necessarily accomplish all that it was supposed to. In that moment, Kylo chose himself while looking love right in the face.

So love isn’t what Kylo wants because he’s got that and it so very clearly isn’t enough. 

(As an aside, he’s in communication on some level with Leia in The Last Jedi when he’s targeting the command deck of the Raddus, although whether its empathic or telepathic isn’t stated nor what specifically passes between them. Simple awareness? Actual conversation? It does, however, turn Kylo back from matricide so the question there is - why? Love didn’t stop him before so why does it stop him now? You could argue that since killing Han didn’t bring him what he wanted, he’s reluctant to sacrifice his mother for the same net zero gain. There’s a ton of nuance here, it’s not going to be a single, clean answer for this. Did he blame his father more? Does he blame his mother less? Anyways.)

As for the question of value, Ben Solo has been in the middle of a vicious tug of war since he was in the womb and he knows it. Yet neither side wants him as he is. He’s got too much Dark for the Light to trust him - hence Luke’s betrayal, Han and Leia’s abandonment. He’s got too much Light for the Dark to be able to use him easily - hence Snoke’s escalating (and calculated) disgust and ridicule, keeping Kylo unstable. Snoke is Dark but not Sith; it’s fairly obvious from the outside perspective that he’s not teaching his apprentice to surpass him, as a Sith master should, but to make him strong in the Force while keeping him emotionally weak and manipulatable. 

The Jedi espouse that there is no emotion, except in the abstract. The Sith espouse that the only feelings that count are the ones that aggrandize the self. Ben didn’t fit into the first and Kylo can’t fit into the second no matter how hard he tries.

So what Kylo is truly looking for is acceptance for who he is and how he is, which is why Snoke ended up dead on his throne because in that moment after touching hands through the Force bond with Rey, Kylo thought he’d finally, finally found it. 

Which bring us to Rey.

Rey is uniquely positioned to understand both Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. First, the Force Bond has made her confront her own prejudices as Kylo makes her question the lies she was told and the truths she wasn’t and she can feel what he feels, all that swirling rage and hurt. She’s also grown up alone and rejected and carries her own scars because of it, even as she managed to hang onto both hope and compassion when Ben couldn’t. Rey is angry over what was done to her. But better, Rey is furious over what was done to him. 

That isn’t abstract emotion. That isn’t generic Jedi compassion for all living things. That’s Rey, willing to confront the legendary Luke Skywalker over what he did to Ben specifically and then completely abandon her mission to recruit the Jedi back to the Resistance because of it. 

Rey is the only one who could look at Kylo Ren and see all that he is and accept it because fundamentally that’s who she is too. Look at Rey when she fights. She’s not in the least passive about it, she’s channeling nearly as much rage as Kylo does. She’s not trained in the Dark, she doesn’t accept the mandates of the Dark but she’s not Jedi either. She feels too much, just like Kylo does. 

But… she doesn’t accept him. In the home stretch in the throne room, Kylo planted his feet on all the choices that got him this far and chose himself, chose to consolidate personal power regardless of everything and everyone else — and Rey chose the good of the many over the needs of the one. They were both right. And they were both wrong.

But the crux of it is that it’s not about love or value at all, that’s not the essential problem. Rey and Kylo can love each other to the ends of the universe and back if they want to, see themselves mirrored in each other, understand each other, and it’s still not going to change anything.

They have to accept each other, as they are, without trying to change each other’s essential nature. Rey wanted Ben and refused Kylo and that’s where it all blew up and we ended up with a kyber crystal that split itself in half rather than decide.   

[xfcklprtehkrx]

Malex and the Boomerang

Okay so the boomerang… This is basically my theory about people, especially loyal people, ie people aren’t boomerangs, sometimes when you throw them away, they don’t come back.  

As the season progressed I was seeing it strong and hard (mostly as Michael being the throwee), but at the end of 1X13 I was like, ‘oh man’.  Like in my brain Alex was all off and into space and nothing would bring him back.  Soulmates yes, but that makes the pain even worse, right? I’m a firm believer in soulmates, but I also believe that sometimes too much has happened and you can’t go back.  So I ruminated on it, and decided they hadn’t quite reached that point yet, hence all my posts being sure they would come together again.  

Yes, we see Alex be what Michael interprets as judgmental, but I don’t really think it is.  When you love someone you want what’s best for them and you want them to be their best selves.  Come on, parents do it every single day.  Their love is still unconditional (most of the time), and I think for Alex that’s also true. He loves Michael no matter what, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t call him on his bullshit or tell him when he needs to do better.  The people who love us should do this.  People always say that someone should love all parts of you, and that’s true, it 100% is, but if you think you’re perfect and there’s nothing about you that needs improvement, well you’re also delusional.  Michael is so thirsty for acceptance he can’t see the forest for the trees when he’s dealing with Alex.

Now... Alex… Man oh man can this boy walk away like he’s gold medaled in the sport.  Whenever things hit him too hard, he walks away.  I suspect this is a lifelong thing.  When it’s hard he ghosts.  In 1X06 he invites Michael into the space he runs to, so we know it exists.  Clearly his feelings where Michael are concerned are very potent and very complex.  Having spent his life having cold ruthless efficiency, military precision, and self loathing literally pounded into him, I don’t think he knows how to deal with feelings so intense in front of people or without processing.  When he was younger, the part of him wanting to connect with someone who understood was like a chasm waiting to be filled, but after 10 years in the service and the awful (given his speech about being the evil you thought you were fighting) things he’s seen, I don’t think that part of him exists anymore.

I felt bad for Michael every time Alex walked away, because it kills him.  It really does.  I mean in 1X02 Michael being literally unable to watch Alex drive away? Yeah, that’s pain.  They both have such strong defense mechanisms (common in abused children). I mean Alex runs from his feelings again, and Michael pretends he doesn’t remember a thing.  It’s clearly a lie since when they met at his trailer before it was frosty, and his behavior is 100% different this time around.  Yes, Alex knows this, and lets the lie fill the space between them.  It’s easier.  

Michael is always left with the space where Alex used to be, and Alex is always left with a space he wished Michael was filling. 

In those moments, it’s easy to forget that every time Alex looks at Michael he remembers that day so long ago too. A day he wasn’t strong enough to protect someone he loved from the literal monster in his closet (I got a bit of this from his saying he wanted to be someone who won battles).  At the end of 1X13 it’s pretty clear that when Michael looks at Alex he sees his father, but I think this goes both ways.  When Alex looks at Michael he knows he’s fruit from a tainted tree, and the literal sins of the father are visited upon the son. Alex puts that burden on himself. He shouldn’t, but he does.

These boys are the biggest failure of communication I’ve ever seen…  

Alex is afraid to open the lid on his feelings.  He feels them, and they are so strong, and he wants to smash them down like the good little soldier his daddy forced him to be, but he can’t.  He needs them like he needs air, water, and food, because they are what holds him together I think.  When he realizes that Michael has been trying to build a way to leave the planet, you can see it on his face, something in him breaks just a little bit more. He needs Michael, and he is wounded, but he would never say it. Instead he leaves, and Michael feels abandoned, but Alex is running from a presumed abandonment that doesn’t really exist yet, but he’s terrified will one day.

Then there’s Michael who’s so desperate for acceptance that he won’t say what he’s feeling, no matter how strong, because he’s afraid of rejection.  Even when he’s confronting Alex about them ‘being over’ in 1X09 he reduces their relationship to basically a 10 year booty call.  It’s a harsh blow, but again defense mechanism.  It’s also a blatant bold-faced lie.  Alex is the only person who ever made Michael feel hope, love, welcome or acceptance.  Alex sees through the smoke screen, he always does, but he lets it lie, like always, because for them running away is easier than facing this powerful thing between them.

Enter 1X13 and the push that might have been too hard… Maria DeLuca.  Is this the unforgivable thing to be done/said that will end them for good?  Is she the thing that is finally too much and too far?  This is different than 1X10.  In 1X10 Maria didn’t know about Michael and Alex.  That day Alex and Michael had said goodbye.  It hurt Alex, but it was forgivable since they aren’t actually together, but in 1X13?  Frosty soldier boy Alex made himself vulnerable in front of Michael and peeled back a few layers for him to see.  Michael accepted this for the important moment it was and asked Alex to come back, and then he didn’t show up.

For Alex I think that’s about as unforgivable as it gets.  He’s also a very loyal guy, so Maria is right on up there too, but Michael?  Oh… that’s a deal breaker. Alex is about to become an iceberg worthy of sinking the Titanic. However… in what would be called the ‘big gesture’ if Michael makes himself vulnerable to Alex in the same way, Alex will forgive him.

I have commented many times on their magnetic pull towards each other.  The seeming ‘it just is’ of them and their feelings.  A man who has always loved the stars more than anything else calls it ‘cosmic’.  There is power in that statement. He has compared their bond, their feelings, their love, to the thing he longs for more than anything else.  Something so significant can’t be denied forever, so that ‘big gesture’ will come.

They really should communicate so much better than they do.  They are so much alike.  All the same pieces fractured by life.  To me there is no better more revealing image representing these two, than this one:

Both not perfect, both just a bit broken, and more beautiful for the way they fit together.

[smallblueandloud]

thoughts on episode ii

subtitled let’s fix attack of the clones!!: anakin edition

i came out of this movie really not shipping anakin and padme. he is selfish, awkward, and distracting - and she should too busy to consider a romance.

the prequels are trying to tell two stories (anakin’s fall and the fall of the republic) and it barely tries to link them, instead just spending time on the boring, clunky one (anakin) at the expense of the more interesting one (the republic/the clones, represented in this movie by obi-wan), which seems like it’s missing vital conversations.

but this post is about anakin and anakin/padme. so let’s get started.

this movie, at least in terms of anakin’s development, suffers from middle-of-trilogy syndrome. nothing really happens. his mother dies (oh my GOD) and he angsts about it for a while, commits mass murder, and then jumps right back to pursuing his terrible “romance” with padme.

i mean, there are NO lasting effects of his mother’s death. he learns no coping techniques, feels no real emotions about it...

shmi was done dirty in general though. the idea of her marrying the guy that bought her is pretty icky. i’m becoming more and more fond of fialleril’s headcanon that shmi meets beru and adopts her as her daughter. cliegg is nothing but owen’s offscreen father.

i mean, that would’ve been SO MUCH BETTER, even if you keep the whole shmi-dying-solely-to-cause-her-idiot-son-pain. WHICH YOU SHOULD NOT. why spend all of episode i talking about freeing the slaves and then do absolutely nothing about it??

picture shmi, her adoptive daughter beru, and her adoptive daughter’s boyfriend owen (who really isn’t sure how he got involved in this but isn’t complaining) running an underground slave-freeing operation.

not sure how this would tie into the movie, plot-wise or anakin-development-wise, because yeah, you do need to start getting nervous around this kid. (I MEAN, IN MY PLAN FOR THE PHANTOM MENACE, YOU WOULD’VE STARTED THIS IN THE VERY BEGINNING BY USING A SLIGHTLY WORRYINGLY COMPETENT AND BRUTAL 14-YEAR-OLD, NOT THE PREPUBESCENT NONSENSE WE GOT. but regardless.)

i guess you’d need anakin and padme to be hanging at on naboo, in her lake house (god padme’s so freaking bougie), and padme asks how anakin’s mom is.

queue the obligatory “oh, haha, i don’t actually,,,, know??”

padme proposes that since they have no duties and she’s actually bored out of her mind, they should go visit shmi. anakin protests for about two seconds before realizing a) there’s no stopping her, and b) he’d actually kinda like to see his mom.

(padme has some ulterior motives besides wanting anakin to see his goddamn mom again. she wants to buy her freedom, since she’s actually prepared with real funds this time, and she wants to ask her advice on helping out with abolition, since she and sabe had failed miserably when they tried on their own. [this is canon, go read queen’s shadow if you haven’t already because it’s an excellent book.] we love women acknowledging other women’s expertise!! padme has grown a lot and wants to stop being so core world-y.)

so anyways, they go there, meet shmi (who’s already freed herself, thanks so much), and beru and owen. anakin, because he has had no emotional support network since he was nine goddamn years old, is jealous, but does his best to keep it under wraps.

at some point, while anakin and padme are helping out with the freedom trail, and someone (not sure who) gets a little violent with shmi.

anakin... goes ballistic, we’ll say. it gets violent. he gets harsh. it’s an overreaction, but shmi manages to calm him down.

(padme, on the other hand, is frightened. she takes a step back the next time anakin turns to her. but she manages to hold it down until later.)

the flighty escapee that beru is operating on goes into hysterics. shmi pulls anakin outside and tells him, quietly, that she’s so overjoyed to see him but that she thinks he needs to be getting on his way.

padme, meanwhile, gets pinged on her communication device. obi-wan has contacted them, just like he did in canon.

also, there’s some kind of beru&anakin moment, or maybe a beru&padme moment. just a conversation of some kind, for uber talented gifset-makers to gif and put alongside beru talking to luke so i can be destroyed emotionally.

this serves several purposes.

the movie feels more emotionally coherent. anakin doesn’t jump from awkward flirting to mass murder to making out with his girlfriend.

shmi gets some closure.

we’re introduced to beru, who clearly meets anakin and padme.

we get to see the little people making a difference, which is a huge theme in star wars. this can act as a foil to the hugely ineffective senate.

padme gets the opportunity for some character growth (she’s my wife and all but she’s so bougie).

we get to see anakin be dark, over something.... sorta understandable?? and it doesn’t quite make us think he should be locked up (unlike murder) (except the movie says it’s okay because they’re just sand people and i really don’t like the implications of that). also, we can see the inherent tragedy of someone who needs so much community support being “”chosen”” by the force to go into an order of emotionally private individuals (not that that isn’t a bad thing for someone like obi-wan, but it really isn’t good for anakin).

AND I HAVEN’T EVEN REALLY MENTIONED PADME. i have a wishlist for padme, and it boils down to: at least mention her relationship with sabe, show her being good at politics, let her have character development, don’t make her have to mother anakin, and oh by the way make her two-dimensional enough that her abandoning her ideals to get together with a jedi actually makes sense.

because like! i can believe she likes anakin! he’s an old friend, from a time that seems simpler in hindsight, and he’s in love with her and flirts awkwardly and makes jokes. i mean, the dialogue makes it impossible for anakin to seem remotely attractive, but we’ll leave it at the fact that padme desperately wants something simple and a relationship with anakin, paradoxically, looks like a winner.

but i want to see her like anakin. show, not tell, georgie boy!! all we see in the movie is her giggling at him and her rejecting him, and then her kissing him, and there’s really no falling in love.

because okay. they’re a fundamentally doomed relationship, total opposites who are both startlingly naive wrt their personal lives. so i accept that they’re not really in love - they’re just clinging to ideals of each other. well. at least padme is. she’s smart enough to recognize what she’s doing, but she pushes it down because she is forced to hold too much on her shoulders (BECAUSE THE SENATE DOESN’T WORK) and she needs something that is just for her.

look, i really need sabe in these movies, okay. this is unrelated to my humongous crush on keira knightley. i need padme to have a friend, someone she can express this to, who can look at her doubtfully when she says she’s in love with anakin, because we really need to drive in the idea of this being a tragedy and we can’t see it unless we see how goddamn foolish even padme “good choices” amidala is being.

also like. padme needs friends. and i firmly believe that the “mother” that leia remembers was sabe, who is actively involved in the rebellion during the OT. because like. i have emotions, and most of them come back to luke&leia.

i’m not sure i’d have them get married, but that’s just a matter of taste. and you have to admit the set of final shots - the victory with the clones, baby boba pressing his forehead to his dad’s helmet, the marriage - with the overlaid music is really something. i mean, there you have the myth stuff that george wanted. i vibe with it.

anyways. thank you for coming to my ted talk, part the second.

[mswyrr]

favorite bits about deckerstar in s4

-Chloe gets to screw up. Badly. And be forgiven and accepted as a flawed person rather than a paragon who never gives into fear or confusion. Her desire for moral clarity is a beautiful part of her; it can also be terribly cruel when she’s lost and desperate for certainty. IMO she prioritizes doing the right thing so much that what she did was a kind of... selfless selfishness? The selfishness of needing desperately to figure out how to maintain her identity in this new world, to be the person who does the right thing. I love her.

-If loving her was always easy for Lucifer the story would be so much weaker. It wouldn’t be about what loving people is actually like - which means accepting that everything beautiful about them is connected to their weaknesses and flaws. You cannot rip someone into pieces and only have the good, you have to take the bad with the good.

-GORY EMOTIONAL PORN METAPHORS. Sure... for us normal people, when someone judges you harshly or withdraws their love/acceptance they don’t *actually plot to send you to hell*.

But it feels like it, doesn’t it? When you’ve been finding trust and love in someone and, for whatever reason, you find judgment and condemnation instead?

It’s like the whole Devil Face/body thing. which I also love.... like, it’s just this beautiful on-the-nose literalization of what it feels like to share yourself: how agonizingly ugly and “disgusting” and worthless it can feel, to want someone’s love so much and be so afraid of sharing your truth. So certain that rejection is inevitable because you cannot even stand yourself so how could anybody else stand the real you?

That is what this show is perfect at: shamelessly expressing big feelings through metaphor to talk about how freaking intense it is to love people. All the family stuff does that (it’s a show about a guy whose authoritarian father who kicked him out of the house for teenage rebellion is actually God and his judgmental hyperreligious brother is actually an angel, etc) and the romance does too.

-”Acceptance” isn’t a shining, perfect instant, it’s a series of tough choices, for both of them. It takes time. It’s 9+ months of repeating a friends-to-lovers arc, this time in full view of their respective imperfections. Lucifer tries to frame it as a simple yes/no in an instant decision early on--because of his own issues around abandonment/rejection and because of how deeply hurt he is by her lying and plotting--but they actually live out this “slow boil” mutual acceptance.

By the end their body language and behavior is back to where it was - these are best friends who trust each other like nobody else. Who are real with each other like nobody else. And they’re in love.

-The fact that she doubted Lucifer actually makes it possible for her to get at the core of what’s going on in 4x09: he’s subconsciously making the same mistake she did, and believing all the lies. That things he didn’t do are his fault. If she were an easier woman, a less complicated person, she would have never had that insight. She had to walk a tough path to actually join him in their thing as an equal, instead of being forever kept in the dark. Or being unrealistically accepting immediately of everything.

At the end of S3 Linda said “emotions are hard, that’s why they make you strong” and I think that, as an example of mutual failure and choice, Deckerstar in S4 is saying: love can be hard but that’s what makes it strong. Choosing, doing the work, communicating, struggling with your own issues and your partner’s flaws and struggles.

And, gosh darn it: they *argue well*. Which is one of those things Tumblr hates? All people arguing is supposed to = abuse. But really loving someone long-term will inevitably involve arguments and it’s important that both parties know how to be upset and argue but do it as “fair” as possible. It’s an important skill and, even in the most awful scenes of conflict, they’re both clearly trying.

[mutantsrisingrpg]

Congratulations DAISY! You’ve been accepted as NIX.

I did my waiting... twelve years of it... until we finally got our Nix! Daisy, let me start this off with how happy I was to see an app for Luke in our inbox and that happiness only grew when I read through it. At the very end of your details section you said that Luke is contradictory to a fault - which is the very much something I was looking for with him. Luke is a danger, yes we all know this, but regardless of that he wants to protect his family and he has everything as his fingertips that could make him “holy.” I’m so excited to see where you take him! 

Welcome to Mutants Rising! Please read the checklist and submit your account within 24 hours.

Out of Character Information:

NAME/ALIAS: Daisy

PRONOUNS: She/Her

AGE: 24

TIMEZONE & ACTIVITY LEVEL: EST // I work a few part-time jobs, so my free time is mostly reserved to the evenings and weekends, but once I have muse for a character and find a great writing community, I really commit to the rpg! I would give myself a 7/10, with some weeks dipping down to a 6 just because of work schedules and such. If there’s ever a time I can’t be on for longer than usual, I’ll definitely let you know!

In Character Information:

DESIRED ROLE: Luke Espinosa / Nix

GENDER/PRONOUNS: Cisgender male & he/him

DETAILS & ANALYSIS: This is where you show us who the character is to you! The format of this doesn’t matter, whether it’s in bullet points or in para form, and can be as long as you’d like it to be. Feel free to get creative!

Luke — “light giving” / Espinosa — From the Spanish word, “espino,” which means “hawthorn”

It’s an irony that’s not lost on him, a simple name bestowed on him by a simple man, yet perfectly matched to his own particular talents. Privately, he smiles at the memory of his mother calling him ‘Luca,’ a nickname he’s revealed only to Isabel. (Naturally, she’s the only person he’d allow to call him that now.) Still, there’s a certain saintliness to the name that he feels is an ultimate disconnect to the man he believes himself to be: hateful, spiteful, and altogether brutal — in other words, totally undeserving of anything remotely ‘holy’. The hawthorn tree is often thought to symbolize love and protection, and are often beloved by birds for their many branches and fruits to aid in nest-making and hatchling development. Personally, I feel as though Luke wouldn’t give much thought to his surname, given the memories of the man who gave it to him. Still, I can’t help but think that this last name suits him exceedingly well, especially when I consider the arc I’d like to see him go through. Currently, Luke is someone full of anger; he’s bitter, rages often and relatively indiscriminately, and rejects responsibility out of semi-unfounded fears. He’s a weapon even though he wants to be a shield, too destructive to truly protect anyone from the wrath of the world — or worse, his own. He’s not a simple man, per se, but the outside world would be forgiven for thinking him little more than a bad-tempered, ill-mannered creature of habit, forever searching for something to destroy whether through punch or power. And yet, he manages to be more than all the red that typically surrounds him, and rather evidently, too; there’s rarely a day that he doesn’t return to the apartment if only to whip up a quick boxed dinner for Isabel and Isaac and bask in their company, sharing a laugh over Isaac’s latest mishap. He’s someone who will fight for his family, die for his family, even though he never wanted, expected, or asked for them. He struggles to balance the undeniable need to protect them against his utter lack of faith in himself and the world around them. It’s not that he doubts his powers; truly, he knows exactly how dangerous he can become, how all-consuming his light can be when his internal state reaches somewhere overwhelmingly dark. So, on the days he truly needs to get away, it’s not in the boxing rings of The Jungle or the bar at The Green Mill that call to him, but instead the rooftop of some nearby building, as close to the sun as the smokey city will allow, recharging and resetting in silence. Within the Blackburn Syndicate, he’s tough, some might even call him brave — and it’s partially true, though not because of some gallant side to his personality usually cast aside in favor of sulking in the shadows. Rather, his bravery displays itself largely in times of fear; scared for the safety of someone else, he’ll often volunteer to be put in harm’s way, though not without throwing some wayward remark about the other person’s inability to handle their job. Luke knows he’s an asset, a machine, a means to an end for the Syndicate. He’s quick to protect by means of a fierce onslaught of attack — which happens to make him the perfect weapon. He’s built his career, if not his whole life, on being menacing, on instilling fear into a person in any way he can and beating whatever’s left, out. Simply put, it’s just what he knows.  In terms of truly unleashing the full extent of his powers, there are so few lines he’d be unwilling to cross. Still, when the question of family comes up, it’s not hard to imagine him setting the world alight just to keep them safe. In short, although the baseline of his personality could default to a simple ‘angry boy’ trope, I think Luke is so much more than just that. I see him as someone so craving of stability, that the fear of not having it makes it impossibly easy for him to run away; someone with the power to absorb light, yet utterly incapable of providing it for himself; a shield with no defense — contradictory to a fault. 

BIO:

[ TW for violence, death, marital/family abuse, alcohol ] Fighting had always been in his blood, and he knew it. When he closes his eyes, he still remembers coming home from school to find his precious mother, still heavily pregnant with his unborn sister, bloodied and battered on the floor, bruises formed all over her body and cuts marring her pretty face. And his father, gruff and hulking, liquor evident from his smell and the arrhythmic steps of his heavy feet, ordering the young boy to help clean up – i.e., get rid of – his fatally wounded mother. He was nine then. A boy by all measures, but the ‘monster’ within claimed his youth, clawing from the depths of his grief as he clung to his mother’s life-drained body. At a moment so dark, his body emanated light and heat, overwhelming and blinding as his tears shed freely until the world around turned black with ash and fear. At ten, he was a child trapped in a plastic prison hundreds of feet underground, blocking out all sources of natural light after enough tests determined he drew his power from the sun. His body grew weak — no, he was made to be weak, forced by human powers greater than his own — though his appetite for destruction only augmented with each passing day. When the scientists deemed him feeble enough that he’d have little chance of full-powered recovery, he was placed into a foster home with fellow mutants. Fortunately for Luke, they vastly underestimated his body’s ability to  At best, their foster parents saw each of them as little more than the monthly check; at worst, they saw their ‘children’ as nightly entertainment, watching with eager abandon as the kids with control of their powers beat up the ones whose powers hadn’t fully manifested. Unlike some of the other kids, it wasn’t the pink hair he’d seen first, nor the trembling fingers he’d recognized all too well — a trademark of someone not fully in control of their powers, yet still grasping at some invisible force in the hopes they would come back. He saw the fear in her eyes, the silent plea for help in a moment of desperation, and on instinct, he stepped in front of Isabel, shielding her from the cruelty of kids competing for a love they wouldn’t receive from ‘parents’ who were anything but. They weren’t fast friends, exactly, but something deeper: family. In a world where choice had been so quickly taken away from them simply by the nature of their genetic makeup, this act of protection without care, of love without thought, was the loudest kind of rebellion two kids confused by the world around them could muster. Soon enough, their powers grew in harmony, working with each other to learn new tricks that complemented each other’s skills. And at twelve, after enough foster homes to last a lifetime, they arrived in Chicago with nothing but a backpack between the two of them, holding little precious trinkets they’d collected or — in Luke’s case — stolen along the way. Isabel caught notice of the Blackburn Syndicate shortly after they’d settled in the snow-strewn streets. He was hesitant and prideful, believing he’d be able to provide for the both of them through whatever means necessary. He knew his aptitude for fighting could land him some money, even if it meant getting some teeth knocked out every now and then, but when he saw her knowing fear and constant shiver, he conceded once more, letting her dreams dictate their future. His apprehension for yet another home claiming to welcome them and treat them kindly remained even after Alma agreed to take them in; the distaste only grew when it was clear ‘impressing’ the woman came in the form of Isabel fainting from over-exerting her powers and an altogether destructive showing of his own. Isabel assimilated quicker than he did, finding her footing well before him; half-scared to commit himself to this new environment and half-terrified that he’d lose her if he didn’t, Luke accepted menial jobs within the Syndicate as he worked on mastering his powers. When he turned eighteen, he took an under-the-table job at The Jungle, taking and encouraging bets for certain fighters in exchange for proper lessons. Here, he studied the best of the best until he was ready for the ring himself, and by twenty-four, he carved a reputation for being quite the fearsome fighter. “The Silent Striker,” the crowds dubbed him, when his quick but quiet fighting style emerged supreme against fighters twice his size. For the past few years, he’s kept the extent of his fighting a secret from Isabel and Isaac, telling them that he liked to go just to watch, or because he was on a special assignment from the Director. It’s not that he doesn’t trust them — on the contrary, he trusts them a little too much and believes that admitting to liking, perhaps even needing The Jungle as a form of release and rush would scare them away or cause them unnecessary concern. As much as they were his saving grace, they could also be his undoing and, in turn, his desire to protect Isabel and Isaac often meant shielding them from the truth of his being — the harsh cruelty he inflicted on others in order to make sure they’d all be taken care of, outside of the confines of the Syndicate. After all, the havoc he wreaked with just his hands was nothing compared to what he could do if he let light consume him, and when all was said and done, it was safer to have them wonder, “What is he doing?” rather than “What won’t he do?” Then again, when the question of family comes up, it’s not hard to imagine him consuming the world in order to keep them safe. 

EXPANDED CONNECTIONS: 

ISABEL ACOSTA: He might never say it out loud, but she is most definitely his saving grace. She’s more than a friend, more than family. Isabel is the first person who chose him, who saw him for what he was and didn’t shy away from it but instead welcomed him — hell, even needed him. He might not have known it at the time, but he needed her just as much, and certainly needs her now. When push comes to shove, he will follow Isabel no matter the consequence, no matter the reward because he knows there is no greater advantage than having her by his side. In terms of future ideas, I’d of course love to explore the depths of his relationships with Isaac and Isabel more. The concept of ‘found family’ comes with the territory of choice, which, for a man shuffled from one house to another and utilized as a weapon for about as long as he can remember, is something precious, if not nearly divine. I’d love to see these relationships tested and tried, and really pull and poke at the bonds those characters share just for Luke to realize the depth of his choice and see the lengths he’d go to ensure their safety. I’m a sucker for angst and tension and, naturally, would love to see Luke’s faith in his family falter, to play out possible betrayals or missteps if only to see him inevitably find his way back home. 

CAIN DOUGLAS: The great shame of any fighter’s life is knowing that fighting is simply in their lifeblood, something they can’t escape and something that they won’t necessarily accept, either. When he enters the ring to fight Cain, it’s exhilarating, enthralling, and ultimately exhausting. Each match between them is an excuse to learn and train, each new bruise and bloodstain practice for the ultimate fight that’ll come between the two of them, somewhere outside of The Jungle and upon the unending concrete of the city. In my head, Luke wears some sort of mask/head covering when he fights in order to separate this exceedingly brutal side from the calmer, safer person he needs to be around Isabel and Isaac. The only reason that Cain knows his identity is because he once bested him in the ring and part of his reward was unmasking the other man. From that moment, Cain’s known his identity, which pushes Luke to train harder and harder until he can defeat the man both in and out of the ring, potentially with the intent of silencing him forever. He knows that The Jungle is mostly safe for mutants, but it’s the threat of exposing his family to something so dark, so uncontrollable, so all-consuming that scares him to his core.

EXTRA: Here’s my insp tag for Luke! (The second post in that collection gives me such Luke vibes.) And here are some headcanons:

For obvious reasons, he’s weakest in the winter. During this season, he spends most of his free time around plants, which have their own special way of storing energy from the sun, as limited as the exposure is. Luke was born and ‘raised’ in a veritable ghost town somewhere in the southwest United States, and still speaks with a kind of southern drawl. He has a sweet tooth like no other and regularly starts his day off with a hot chocolate, add two sugars. Luke doesn’t know how to drive and typically relies on Isabel to get him anywhere that the city’s transportation system can’t reach.

ANYTHING ELSE: None, thank you! But if there’s anything you need to discuss about my app, please feel free to contact me @nfwmb !!

[run2yamama]

Chapter 24 - R2YM (Insight into having an absent-mum due to death)

It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I realised how affected I was by my absent-mother. I had no idea that the way I navigated my life had been shaped around this .

I’ve been speaking to two other women about their experiences and you know what’s sad yet comforting? Our experiences of growing up without our mum’s were so similar. We struggled with relationships, abandonment issues and ultimately lots of unanswered questions. The first one being, who was this woman who gave birth to me; who was she when she wasn’t my mother? This question alone has changed my stance on mothers in general; we need to humanise them.

Though we were all children when we lost our mothers, it’s very insightful to see all the similarities between us. It’s become very clear to me that it doesn’t matter whether you lost your mum to death or because she walked away, it shapes your journey of womanhood entirely. It feels as though you have survived the heartbreaking bit and now you have to spend your adulthood unlearning old patterns of thought.

Between myself and the two wonderful women who spoke to me in depth about their journey with an absent-mum, we decided it’s time to discuss this openly.

I have decided to split this up into three separate chapters as they are quite intense reads, this chapter features a White woman, the second one will feature a Black Woman and my point of view is sprinkled between both so you will have the perspective of a WOC too. I do understand how important representation is and how this may cause differences in our experiences with having an absent-mum however quite honestly, there just aren’t that many.

A WOMAN WHOSE MOTHER ISN’T IN HER MEMORY – Claira Hermet (35 years old, London & a presenter @bbcradiolondon)

Claira’s mum died of breast cancer when she was 9 years old, the memories that she has are vague and of course painful to recall, what she does remember is that before she lost her mum she felt safe and secure.

“I was devastated. It was like my world had ended. Nothing made any sense. I didn’t know who or what I was without my mum. I didn’t know she could die.”

Claira knew her mum was ill, but what does that really mean to a child if they don’t understand the risks and implications of it? For her there was no safety net between the transition of having a mum and suddenly not having one.

As I mentioned above, I struggle to recall pleasant memories with my mum and my strongest memories are traumatic; but thought this was a given as my mum was abusive. Claira’s strongest memory of her mother is unfortunately quite traumatic also and I think that’s very insightful, it says a lot about how children compartmentalise memories.

“Honestly my strongest memory of my mum is her sitting in the bath. She had had a single mastectomy and her chest on that side was an open wound caused by the cancer. She was losing her hair and asked me to cut it off.”

To this day she still feels the pain of unanswered questions she has due to the lack of memories and not being able to know who her mother was as a woman. What do you do when there is nobody left to tell you about her? Claira’s mum has little to no family left, she doesn’t know who her mum’s friends were.

“Was she funny? Who was her first boyfriend? What’s the craziest thing she’s ever done? What was her childhood like? What were her hopes for me? Would she be proud of me?  It’s like I don’t know the person who brought me into this world, who is essentially half of me. I feel really disconnected from her. This hurts and even as I’m writing this it makes me cry.”

What I get from Claira is this very strong sense of empathy towards others, it’s almost as if she will go above and beyond for others due to the pain she has experienced. This is something that is also very true of me, it’s the tendency to want to help others even if it’s at my own detriment sometimes. However this empathy and need to help others is not something that Claira would ever want to change.

“I feel a deep need to help others. To ensure that they never have to feel the way that I have done. I see people’s pain and it really hurts. However this journey has taught me what is possible, how much we have the power to shape, grow and make incredible lives for ourselves regardless of circumstance.”

RELATIONSHIPS & WOMANHOOD

The desperation to be loved is something we all have in common. It’s been a constant battle of not trusting anyone but dying to feel wanted, needed and safe. I think this can be dangerous because there isn’t much regard for our safety/emotional boundaries – or at least this used to be the case before we recognised it.

I personally feel as though I missed out on all the love/hugs/affection and so this has definitely played a role in the choices I have made growing up. It’s as if you disregard your instincts because the need to feel loved overrides it completely. I mean, I feel as though I have faced the ultimate rejection; at a very early stage in life and so it only makes sense that I have had unlearning to do.

I’ve always felt different to other women, almost like I know something that they don’t; as though I’ve experienced this secret world that they haven’t. It’s only now that I’ve started to talk about it and actively seek out other women who have been through what I have, that I feel like I’m not alone anymore. I still find it hard to relate to other women, it’s almost as though the stereotypical ‘gentle’ nature of women makes me uncomfortable and awkward.

Giving myself time to grieve (my mum didn’t die but something in me definitely did) and face the uncomfortable truths has been life-changing. I’m finally in a healthy relationship, with boundaries on both ends that we respect and adhere to. I have never felt more secure and for the first time in my life I am not constantly waiting for someone to get up and abandon me.

CLAIRA’S EXPERIENCE

“I desperately wanted to be loved. I felt confused, like someone had hit be round the head and I had just never been able to make sense of thing ever again. I want to see a clear path or know what I should do but I just had no sense of direction or clue of what was possible. I felt broken, incomplete and insufficient.

My self hatred and confusion about my experience ended up with me seeking attention and affection from men. Sadly though I couldn’t communicate with them as I really struggled to talk. I was having sex with men but unable to express my needs, perhaps because I didn’t know what they were but also because my communication skills were massively under developed. I so badly wanted to no longer feel alone.

What is womanhood? I don’t know if I really know now. I always felt disconnected from women. I didn’t really know how to relate to adult women. I had to learn that. I always just felt less than, incomplete. These words and themes come up a lot for me when talking about the absence of my mother. I learnt only because my friends and I became adult women. Prior to that I really just thought I needed to be attractive to find love to feel ok. Which is really sad but that’s what I thought it was to be a woman.  I always feel like an outsider. Even now. I feel like I’m not a real women or a real grown up. It’s something I have to continually work on. Comparing myself to people I know who grow up with a mum I would say I am less balanced.

I would not be this version of me if it was not for my experiences. I also lost my sister to breast cancer. After this it was discovered I have the BRCA1 gene mutation so I had a preventive double mastectomy. After everything I am now in a space where I have a very strong sense of self. This was discovered out of necessity. My life was such a mess mentally and emotionally for such a long time and because my experiences where extreme I knew I had to make changes. After my sisters death finding a sense of peace and love for myself became imperative. I knew that no matter how long it was going to take I had to find a way to be ok.

I have a strong understanding of the powers of self love, self belief and self confidence which I feel we all have a birth right to. My mum’s death and her absence have shaped me and my life. Accepting that this is my life, there is no if’s or but’s has allowed me to take responsibility for myself and my life and really start living it. “

ROLE MODELS AND SOCIETY

My dad was my main caregiver and he did his absolute best but let’s face it, the dads who stay behind and take care of their children aren’t discussed often either. What he did know how to do was cover my practical needs, for this I will forever be grateful but this meant that sometimes he was emotionally unavailable.

These discussions were not being had period. Not with us, not around us and definitely not in society as a whole; not in the same way absent-fathers were discussed. I’ve had conversations with my own dad about this recently and he expressed that he struggled in the same way because of the lack of discussion around this. He didn’t know where to turn to for advice, he didn’t know any other men immediately around him that could relate to this. This resulted in him not even recognising that he needed advice on this on the first place – in his eyes he was doing every he should and would be doing had my mum never treated me in this way/left me.

I was fortunate that my grandma was there during this transition; she was my source of love and support and this cushioned me as the rest of my world was crumbling. Although she died only a couple of years later, having her was vital to me as I was able to experience that maternal guidance first-hand.

Growing up I had a couple of close friends whose mothers did embrace me into their lives and I always felt welcome. I had one close friend growing up whose house I had dinner at every night for at least 3 years, I was never made to feel like a burden. It provided me with routine and again, without this I might have felt the loss of my mum even more deeply.

Being able to witness these healthy mother-daughter relationships pushed me into me realising just how much my own mum had wronged me and that was painful; to the point where I sometimes stayed away.

CLAIRA’S EXPERIENCE

“The day my mum died I think my whole family kind of died and was reborn because nothing was ever the same. Everything changed and everyone changed.

For my teenage and early 20’s I tried to cope alone because I truly felt I was alone. I missed out on the attention and affection my mum had once given me. I really didn’t know where I fitted it. I felt uncomfortable in myself, in my life and in the world. My ‘future’ or ‘what I could be’ was never even discussed or considered. I had very little guidance and so most stuff I had to workout for myself.

My Dad is a lovely man. I love him very much. He dealt with things in his own way which I know at the time he thought was best for us and him. It wasn’t. I didn’t have a role model. He did the best with what he knew at the time, as this wasn’t being spoken about; the consequence was that I didn’t get the support I actually needed but instead got the support he thought I needed.

I started my period on Christmas eve. I knew a little bit about them. I didn’t want to tell anyone so I used my pocket money to buy sanitary towels for a year or so before anyone notice. It was scary and every time something like that happened I was reminded of how much I wanted my mum back. It was always very emotional.

As far as role-models go, I just don’t think I’ve ever had that. I started reading books, trying therapy and doing all I could from the space I was in to achieve some kind of equilibrium. Everything else took a back bench because I started to realise that until I raised myself to a level playing field internally nothing else would have balance, nothing else would make me feel whole and nothing else would allow me to finally feel happiness. “

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

It’s like we all power through life, not just because we have to but because we know we deserve to thrive; then Mothers Day comes around and we breakdown.

There are some fundamental and obvious problems that need addressing; it all starts with having open and honest conversations. We can be the women to each other that we have so been in need of. What’s clear is, the loss of our mums has shaped our lives and we owe it to ourselves to continue unlearning behaviour that only hurts us further.

I think after all 3 posts, I will do a final one to fully analyse what we have all had in common. I do think it’s important to remember that when we are talking about absent-mums, there are also young girls/women out there whose mothers left them without a say or choice in the matter due to death. Whether our mothers chose to leave or have died – we still had to navigate life without them and we have all been shaped by this.

[drivingsideways]

Episode 65

EPIC BREAK UP Part 1/ 2 

Well, episode 65 brings fresh pain: Ziyan and Ning Yi are on entirely different trains now. 

Ning Yi is happy/relieved to be a commoner now, as long as he has his mother; Ziyan cannot bring himself to tell Ning Yi about what happened to his family that day. He seems to think that Ning Yi was “faking” the whole commoner stunt just to get his mother back and also deflate the Emperor’s suspicions. Uh, not an entirely unreasonable assumption since NY and he have not talked at all since before he ran off to Puyuan. He tries to get “Liulang” interested in what is going on with the so-called Huofeng Gang. He’s desperate to bring down Ning Qi, understandably. 

 But Ning Yi is not listening at all, and he repudiates all of Ziyan’s “plans” saying he has no wish to get back into the mess that is the fight for the throne. When Ziyan sees that Ning Yi is so happy with his mother, as “Liulang”, he leaves, without telling Ning Yi anything further about what had happened. 

Ziyan’s way of processing the trauma is to immediately get into revenge mode/ planning mode/ just DO SOMETHING that will help him re-establish control, but Ning Yi’s refusal is like a slap in the face. He has no place in this new life that Ning Yi is carving for himself, and at the time he needs him most, Ning Yi is abandoning him (or so it must feel like to him). 

Although Ning Yi wants Ziyan to be a part of his “new life”, Ziyan, at that moment just can’t. 

So of course, Ziyan has to monologue in the moonlight (very pretty, I approve)

Yep, the terrible thing that happens to him certainly brings out all his worst qualities- his vanity and entitlement curdling into self pity, and a desire for revenge. He swears he will bring Ning Qi down. Side note: Ziyan comes from a humble background, and I’m pretty sure schemed and clawed his way up- for such a person, being let down this way (”Heavens have been cruel to me!”)- naturally offends his sense of justice- as per him, he has always been on the side of the angels- so this cruel trick of Fate leaves him angry and lashing out. 

Ya Le attempts to tell Ning Yi that he should not give up his dreams- and also warns him that there will still be “enemies” around him who would destroy his happiness. She re-iterates what she’d written in the letter- that he must find his “mission’ in life. 

Meanwhile, while Ning Qi is happy to receive confirmation that the Emperor will shortly name him as heir, he is still vastly threatened by Ning Yi’s continued existence. Like XZ, he believes that the commoner thing is only a stunt- and he needs to use the time he has to make sure that Ning Yi is neutralized. Encouraged in this line of thinking by Zhangsun Hao, he has Ya Le kidnapped. 

In the kidnap attempt, Zong Cheng is killed by Ning Cheng- unfortunately this is witnessed by Gu Nanyi and further lies by Zhangsun Hao- that it was orchestrated by Ning Yi, who wants to destroy Dacheng- create more complications. Gu Nanyi reports the same to Feng Zhiwei, who resolves to go back to the Capital, to get to the bottom of it. Helian Zheng, upset, tells her he’s divorcing her. Zhiwei decides to return anyway. 

Ning Yi confronts Ning Qi about his mother’s kidnapping, but gets nowhere. 

The Emperor finds out about Ya Le’s kidnapping and naturally suspects Ning Qi- but doesn’t quite do anything about it. He wants to find a way to get Ning Yi and Ning Qi to resolve their differences. 

XZ finally tells Ning Yi about what happened with Erhua and Dahua, and when Ning Yi apologizes for not knowing, he says that he didn’t know about Ya Le’s kidnapping until the fight Ning Yi had with Ning Qi- both of them have kept a distance from each other, but it’s clear that XZ hopes they can reconcile and get back to their former state. XZ argues that Ning Yi being powerless is a worse off situation than before because he still has enemies, but no power to do anything about it. He urges “Liulang” to return to the palace and make good with his father-but Ning Yi is having none of it, refusing to risk his mother’s safety. 

Well, that pretty much puts a nail in the coffin of their relationship- except that Ning Yi doesn’t realize it yet. Like their entire relationship has been falling apart over some time- Ning Yi has no real clue about the shit that Ziyan went through during the Qiu Mingying/Feng Hao damage; he has no idea how Ziyan has been holding things together while he was away in Minhai and then Puyuan; conversely, Ziyan is not around for the traumatic revelations that Ning Yi has had re: his parents, the stress (and destruction) of Puyuan etc. They are just not on the same page anymore and basically...forgot to inform each other? And by the time they do have that conversation (like here), too much distance is between them for them to actually understand what’s going on with the other. GOD. And yet, they do care for each other (it wouldn’t hurt so much if they hadn’t) and as we’ll see, their lack of communication REALLY FUCKS THEM UP. 

Ning Yi has fought his Fate all his life; the accident of his birth into a royal family has been nothing but pain for him. BASICALLY HE’S LIKE I AM TIRED OF BEING THE HAMSTER I WANT TO GET OFF THIS WHEEL. 

Ziyan seems to operate under the assumption there is no getting off the wheel at all. There is a just order and balance to the universe, in Ziyan’s world, and rectifying any imbalances are your sacred duty. In Ziyan’s eyes, Ning Yi has to accept that he is an instrument of Fate as part of a larger purpose (as he, Ziyan also is) and that’s really the bottom line. Also, when it comes to power- Ning Yi was born to it, stripped of it, gets some, and finds himself rejecting it; Ziyan was born without any- and what power he has now is hard won-and so for him, the question of rejecting power is almost unthinkable. He’s secure enough (arrogant enough!) in his self-righteousness to believe that he cannot be “corrupted” by it. And you can see that when he commits a grave moral crime, by any standards, he just cannot deal with it; because to do that would be the end of his carefully constructed self image, it would bring his house of cards crashing. Ning Yi is so much more emotionally aware than Ziyan is; his weakness is that he’s incredibly navel-gazy about it all, and the emotionally abusive childhood leads to him internalizing blame all the time;  Ziyan’s just the opposite; his legendary compartmentalization means that the person he’s most dishonest with, is himself. 

me: I LOVE THEM YOUR HONOUR ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE TERRIBLE WITH EACH OTHER. 

[tinyhumandoc]

Shreya Kumari

**this information is subject to change and growth as shreya grows alongside the group and other characters**

tw sexual harrassment, pregnancy, abandonment, unwanted pregnancy

Shreya’s parents emigrated to the United States for medical school and both established names for themselves in the surgical community before they decided they needed to settle down to have a child. Inspired by her parents, Shreya had never considered another career path. Her parents were supportive, but strict, especially her father. His wish for her to be extraordinary was a bit of pressure on her growing up. Her parents, especially her father, were both very traditional which kept her in the closet for a long time as she was confident in her bisexuality starting in her early teens.

She excelled in medical school at the University of Philadelphia. During undergrad, Shreya decided to come out to her parents with the support of her first girlfriend. This didn’t go over well with either parent, but particularly her father. Luckily making friends came naturally for her, so she had been able to build up a support system around her that she lacked from her family. Her parents didn’t speak to her for a few years and as undergrad turned into med school she grew desperate for the guidance and support of her parents. In an attempt to appease them, she started dating one of their friend’s sons, Arjun. 

The chemistry wasn’t really there, but getting close to her parents again felt comforting, despite knowing that she wasn’t living her true self. However, with the pressure of their parents about their relationship building too slowly, she soon found herself engaged and not long after that, pregnant toward the end of her second year of medical school. Astonished at the prospect of having a child out of wedlock, the pressure built for the pair to quickly get married from both sets of their parents. Shreya cracked under the pressure and admitted that she wasn’t in love with Arjun.

The couple broke up and as third year started, she found herself alone in her pregnancy. Arjun’s parents had found a way to get him transferred to Hopkins to pretend the scandal of her soon to be daughter didn’t exist. Luckily, after her daughter was born, Shreya’s parents were instantly in love. With the help of her strong group of friends and parents beside her, Shreya excelled through her rotations and soon found herself with a surgical residency at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, with the intention of becoming a pediatric surgeon. 

Her parents started to come around to her bisexuality when they grew to love her first serious relationship after the disaster that Arjun had become, fellow resident Ivy. Shreya was well-liked by almost all in the program, apart from some that held the stigma of women with children in residency. During her forth year of residency during a late shift, Shreya found out that she was a little too well liked by one of her attendings. His romantic advancements toward her had grown incessant and her firm rejection was not met well. Apparently she should be easy simply because she’d had a child during her clinical rotations. She was able to get away, but instead of being understanding the residency director warned her to keep it quiet if she didn’t want to lose her residency spot for her final year.

Shreya was terrified at the idea of losing her residency after all she had been through and she needed the eventual salary of an attending surgeon to give her daughter the life she deserved.  Regardless, she knew that the halls of the hospital would be too haunting for another year. She scrambled to find another program to accept a late term transfer with little hope, but she luckily was accepted at Seattle Grace Hospital. She completed her last year of residency two years after Meredith’s class and accepted a spot as a pediatric surgery fellow after Alex Karev had finished his. Shreya has been an attending pediatric surgeon ever since. Seattle Grace accepted her with open arms during one of the toughest spots of her life and she has yet to even consider leaving.

As a teacher for residents and fellows, she has a softer style than some. Firm, but supportive, Shreya knows her weaknesses and the domineering nature of some other doctors seemed outrageously ludicrous when she’d attempted it on her first class of interns for a couple of weeks. Shreya is refined and charismatic and can be the life of the party, but she also is known as one of the hospital’s biggest gossipers and is closed off with her own feelings even with those closest to her. She struggles with alone time and is ready to help anyone in need and is a great listener, eager to give advice when she has it.

[dfroza]

A post about the loneliness of this world shared by John Parsons as it relates to faith:

You may sometimes feel lonely and afraid, wondering if anyone really cares for you; you may feel abandoned to wander about in your heartache, without a sense of acceptance or "place" for your life; you may feel estranged from others, in a place of desperation, a silent scream, without apparent comfort in the world... These are real feelings and I do not discount them, though often such feelings arise from unbelief, or at least from questioning whether God's love is for you, after all...

Friend, there is an intimate comfort for your mourning; there is heavenly consolation for the grief and emptiness you feel inside. Look again to the cross and attend to God's passion for you; believe in the miracle of Yeshua's love for you; by faith see his blood shed for you... He knows your alienation: he was "despised and rejected of men"; he knows the pains of your heart: he was a "man of sorrows acquainted with grief"; he knows the heartache of being forsaken, abandoned, and utterly betrayed. Indeed Yeshua knows your infirmities; he understands how you hurt and calls you to his comfort... Therefore when feelings of loneliness well up within you, go inward to commune with the Spirit. Ask God for his consolation so that you too might console others who are suffering (2 Cor. 1:3-4). Do not lose hope but foresee your blessed future. Focus on the coming day of healing for all the world. Remind yourself again and again that you are never really alone, that nothing can separate you from God's love, and that God's Name is "I-am-with-you-always," "I am your Abba, your true home and place of belonging, all your dreams of love will come true, and unimaginable beauty and endless delight await you in the glories of the world to come.”

"Whoever has God truly has a companion in all places, both on the street and among people.. Why is this so? It is because such people possess God alone, keeping their gaze fixed upon him, and thus all things reveal God for them.... Such people bear God in all their deeds and in the places they go, and it is God alone who is the author of all they do." (Meister Eckhart: Talks of Instruction)

You will never experience peace as long as you regard the acceptance of who you are as conditional, since you will only be as secure as your own best efforts, a project that will exhaust you in the end. Instead you must know yourself as truly loved by God, just as the “prodigal son” came to know his father’s unconditional love and acceptance despite his many misdeeds (Luke 15:11-32). The incarnation of Jesus means that God “runs to meet and embrace you,” regardless of whatever happened in your life that made you run away from home. And whatever else it may be, sin is the separation from God’s love, but Yeshua made the decision to die for your sins before you were born. Your sin cannot overrule God’s surpassing and personal love for your soul, since God gave up his very life for you to find life.

A.W. Tozer once wrote: "The loneliness of the Christian results from his walk with God in an ungodly world, a walk that must often take him away from the fellowship of good Christians as well as from that of the unregenerate world. His God-given instincts cry out for companionship with others of his kind, others who can understand his longings, his aspirations, his absorptions in the love of Christ; and because with his circle of friends there are few who share his inner experiences, he's forced to walk alone. The unsatisfied longings of the prophets for human understanding caused them to cry out in their complaint, and even our Lord himself suffered in the same way.

"The man (or woman) who has passed on into the divine Presence in actual inner experience will not find many who understand him. He finds few who care to talk about that which is the supreme object of his interest, so he is often silent and preoccupied in the midst of noisy religious shoptalk. For this he earns the reputation of being dull and over-serious, so he is avoided, and the gulf between him and society widens. He searches for the friends upon whose garments he can detect the smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia out of the ivory palaces, and finding few or none, he, like Mary of old, keeps these things in his heart. It is this very loneliness that throws him back upon God. His inability to find human companionship drives him to seek in God what he can find nowhere else."

Such was Abraham’s test, as he had no way to communicate his burden regarding the sacrifice of his beloved son Isaac. And there is also a loneliness that arises when you must wrestle through disappointment in your walk with God... This is an empty place where you realize that you're request has been denied, and yet you must continue to walk on in trust. That is a hard place, too.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness" (Matt. 5:6). Yes, blessed are those who suffer such desperate need, who know inner emptiness, who are not made numb to the ache, and who cry from the heart for deliverance. Blessed are those who are in dread over themselves, who fall as one dead before the Divine Presence, who know they are undone, ruined, and dying for life... The great danger, spiritually speaking, is to become complacent, untouched by poverty of heart, to be lulled asleep, lost within a dream, made comatose, living-yet-dead. The gift of faith first reveals our own lostness and then imparts courage to live with ourselves despite ourselves as we seek God’s healing and life... [Hebrew for Christians]

7.6.21 • Facebook

[pashpops]

PASSION POP

Members: Sunghoon (leader), Jamie, $ticky, Kiwoo, Wooshik (maknae)

Fandom name: Fruits

Stage Name: Sunghoon Birth Name: Kim Sung Hoon Position: Leader, Main Vocalist Birthday: March 29th, 1994 Zodiac: Aries sun, Scorpio moon, Leo rising Height: 178cm Weight: 68kg Blood Type: O Favourite Colour: Red, black Favourite Food: Steak Least Favourite Food: Fish, especially tuna Hobbies: Singing, dancing, acting, photography

Sunghoon Facts: - Born in Seoul, but lived for 5 years in New York City. - Speaks Korean and English. - Only child, mother and father are also both artists. - Classically trained tenor who graduated from The Juilliard School with a Bachelor of Music (Vocal Arts) at age 20. - An accomplished musical theatre actor. Surprised everyone in his local troupe by suddenly becoming an idol. - Called “Explosive Sunghoon” because of his powerful vocals and hot temper. - Very strict, but emotional and easy to play tricks on. - Will not answer what his ideal type is, hates the question, will complain any time it’s brought up.

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6mEBzMfTUi56Ebk6Sf5lkh

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - heavy cocaine and xanax user. “Not addicted” and “can quit at any time”. - former alcoholic, has slip-ups now and then but quit because it was affecting his physique, which he works way too hard on. - exclusively gay, was out predebut and had to go back into the closet to debut, so his predebut socmed has been completely wiped and there’s very little to find about him predebut that isn’t old cast bios from his acting days or group pics with old friends. Very into pretty twinks. - previously dated Minseok of B.A.D.D. while they were both in the same company in their teens, both were kicked out for constant verbal and physical fighting. - currently in a relationship with Jamie, but it’s kept very much on the down-low for obvious reasons. - undiagnosed, but probably has bipolar disorder alongside diagnosed (and again secret) panic disorder.

Stage Name: Jamie Birth Name: James Choi Position: Visual, Rapper Birthday: June 21st, 1996 Zodiac: Cancer sun, Leo moon, Pisces rising Height: 163cm Weight: 59kg Blood Type: B Favourite Colour: Electric pink Favourite Food: Everything, loves food, especially sweet, salty or spicy snacks. Least Favourite Food: None Hobbies: Video games, partying

Jamie Facts: - Born in Los Angeles, California, only moved to Seoul recently and is still a little bad at speaking Korean. - Speaks English and Korean. - Only child of a very wealthy single mother. - Member with the least amount of training, was only a trainee for a few months before debut. - Called “Crybaby Jamie” because despite having a flirtatious playboy image, he’s actually very sensitive and complains a lot. Got into a lot of trouble predebut because he’d run off to sulk without knowing the area around the company dorms very well and would get lost and have to be picked up. - Secret dance machine of Passion Pop. Can twerk and do the splits. His audition was a (pretty impressive and very jiggly) dance and (pretty impressively bad) rap cover of Nicki Minaj’s Pound The Alarm. - Ideal type is “a vampire-like person” who’s sexy and a bit cruel. Answers with a different cartoon villainess every time he’s asked.

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ngCFTz2DTPpZfJ4TDA9yH

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - diagnosed ADHD combined type, but was always bad at taking his meds in the US (often sold them as party drugs instead) and can’t legally get them in SK anyway. - total stoner, though obv it’s harder to get weed in SK than LA lol - party animal and frequent user of party drugs like molly and special k, tries to keep away from harder stuff and worries about Sunghoon. - hates the taste of alcohol so doesn’t get drunk much. Total lightweight who only drinks wine coolers. - HUUUUGE mommy issues, the joke is that he’s “sensitive” and “a crybaby” but ADHD rejection sensitive dysphoria + lack of any close familial relationships (doesn’t know his dad, mom is a wealthy socialite who works almost as much as she parties) means he’s left with poor communication skills, a huge fear of abandonment and disappointing others, very low self-esteem and needs constant reassurance. - due to spoilt upbringing, is very careless with his belongings, especially electronics and clothing. - doesn’t really see why people keep telling him he’s attractive, but his desire for being desired outweighs his low self-esteem. Plus he just likes being touched and kissed and fucked, so... - pansexual and very into older and more powerful types. Was very relieved to discover that Sunghoon was not only gay but also into him, because he’d been worrying about what he’d do if they debuted together and if he found out that he had a crush on him for months.

Stage Name: $ticky Birth Name: Jung Sung Ki Position: Vocalist, Rapper, Dancer, Composer Birthday: October 13th, 1993 Zodiac: Libra sun, Virgo moon, Virgo rising Height: 181cm Weight: 70kg Blood Type: O Favourite Colour: Yellow, sea green Favourite Food: Anything sweet Least Favourite Food: Greasy/oily food Hobbies: Dancing, DJing, cooking

$ticky Facts: - Born in Gongju, but has lived in Seoul since leaving high school. - Has a younger sister and an older sister. His older sister and parents worked a lot, so he’s used to taking care of his little sister. - Completed his military service straight out of high school. - Almost always wears big circle lenses. - Mother of the group. - The only one whose “image colour” (purple) is not one of his favourite colours. He accepts it because it matches the feeling of the group well, but he doesn’t think it suits him very well, and wishes he could swap colours with Wooshik (yellow). - Called “Softie Sticky” because he’s gentle, kind, and, despite being the eldest member, a pushover who just goes along with what everyone else wants to do. - Chose his stage name himself, based on the Japanese word “suteki” and because he thought it sounded cute. The dollar sign is because he is a Ke$ha fan. - Doesn’t have an ideal type, thinks the question is a bit shallow.

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/59AorKrFqYSzCvfK4iES7V

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - genuinely has nothing to hide LOL - ok maybe he’s a bit more of a hoe than his kind and caring image lets on - ok a LOT of a hoe but in a sensual and adult way, not the desperate-for-attention way Jamie is. - open-minded about gender and sexuality, but doesn’t think much about his own identity and his flamboyance and feminine-coded behaviour is never really questioned given that he’s an idol and a tall and muscular one at that. “Doesn’t everyone just like what they like?”

Stage Name: Kiwoo Birth Name: Hwang Ki Woo Position: Main Dancer, Vocalist Birthday: April 14th, 1996 Zodiac: Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Sagittarius rising Height: 165cm Weight: 47kg Blood Type: A Favourite Colour: Neon green Favourite Food: Sour candy, fried chicken Least Favourite Food: Boiled vegetables Hobbies: Dancing, makeup, video games

Kiwoo Facts: - Born in Busan, moved to Seoul by himself at age 16. - Middle child of a large family (younger brother, younger sister, older sister, older brother). - Family owns a fried chicken shop, so he knows how to make really good fried chicken. - Fake maknae, always mistaken as the youngest because of his small frame and energetic personality. - Called “Smile Fairy Kiwoo” because of his ever-present smile and playfulness. - Big makeup fan, does a lot of his looks himself and sometimes does makeup for the others too. - Very stubborn, the “secret power” in the group. - The member with the most public recognition predebut, had won many dance competitions and had one of his dance videos go viral. - Ideal type is someone kind-hearted and taller than him.

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0RQittX0WgAmbB0rG9PWOr

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - fairly obviously got his jaw shaved, as he had a heavy social media presence before debut and there’s lots of old and embarrassing pics online. - pretty much fine with showing his old pics because they’re basically unrecognisable and pretty funny but would rather die than be seen without his hair and makeup done as an idol. - has a LOT of connections within big companies like SG due to his audition blitz. - genuinely is just very skinny due to a natural high metabolism, natural high level of energy and intense dance practices, but has friends, some debuted idols, who struggle with EDs so he’s VERY bitter about comments implying that he has an ED, especially if they’re joking about it. - had serious issues with Jamie predebut and in their first year of promotions, but they get along now after having a heart-to-heart about their less than ideal childhoods.

Stage Name: Wooshik Birth Name: Kim Woo Shik Position: Main Rapper, Maknae Birthday: March 13th, 1999 Zodiac: Pisces sun, Capricorn moon, Taurus rising Height: 185cm Weight: 82kg Blood Type: A Favourite Colour: Anything pastel Favourite Food: Chocolate, pasta, beef Least Favourite Food: Winter melon, raw eggs Hobbies: Bodybuilding, dancing, drawing

Wooshik Facts: - Born in Incheon. - Has an 8 years older brother who helped to raise him as both his parents worked long hours. - His brother is a personal trainer and owns his own gym, so Wooshik started working out at a young age. - Called “Tofu Beast Wooshik”. Tofu because of his pale skin and soft and round face, Beast because of his massive and muscular physique. - The only member not intimidated by Sunghoon’s hot temper. - Has a lot of natural aegyo, but finds it hard to act cute on demand. - Total meme sense of humour. - Hasn’t thought about his ideal type, like Sunghoon and $ticky, he dislikes the question.

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yl2LwrVijEwajWqO1NhN5

BEHIND THE SCENES DATA: - a little embarrassed about his muscular body, it wasn’t such a big deal when he was in the gym surrounded by other way bigger, older, and more ripped guys, but it’s very noticeable around slim idols. - also a little hurt by the “beast” nickname, as he’s really very gentle and friendly, even if he is a bit single-minded at times. - many people see him not being intimidated by Sunghoon as not respecting him, but he actually looks up to Sunghoon a lot, and as more than just his group leader.