#abuse mentions

[doglover556]

ooc post but this is REALLY important so please just. spare your time for a minute. When you guys do roleplays with abuse or sh mentions, please please PLEASE tag it. i keep getting it on my for you or following board because you guys arent tagging it and it's REALLY triggering. I dont wanna have to block.

[thattheater-kid]

I didn’t even have any interaction with the DSMP and with you-know-who. I wasn’t around early enough for that. Still, I feel so fucking sick hearing about this, as an abuse victim but also as a fucking person. He mattered so much to our system even if he didn’t matter to me. We have so many DSMP fictives, including a fictive of his character in the DSMP, and shit’s been rough. It’s hard to hear that someone you were so attached to is a shit person, and it’s hard to realize that someone you watched to cope with abuse is a fucking abuser themself. What that man did is disgusting. He manipulated everyone. His friends, his partner, and his fans.

My last post about him was reminding people not to be dicks and to tell people that if they are being dicks to stay away from me, and I obviously still hold that view. If you claim to be standing with victims but go on to use that as an excuse to harass and threaten others who are innocent, you don’t actually stand with victims. You’re a piece of shit yourself. I genuinely feel so dizzy just making this post and reading about it, probably a combination of the entire system losing their shit and my own trauma and memories coming back to me as a flashback, so this is the last I’m going to say on this, but I wanted to make our stance on this situation abundantly fucking clear to everyone.

I want to officially state that I and the rest of my system support Shelby and all the victims who were harmed by Wilbur’s actions. I want to say it crystal fucking clearly that if you still support him, stay the fuck away from me and my system. I want nothing to fucking do with you. I don’t want to hear anything about it. Nothing you say will make me change my mind. What that man did is completely inexcusable and unforgivable. His shit “apology” doesn’t make it better.

Anyone who’s been triggered by this situation, please remember to take care of yourselves. After this, I’m taking a break from the Internet because if I don’t, I might pass out. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you’re safe and healthy. If you’re triggered by this, please stop reading about it. Block all tags related to it. Your health should come first.

-Angel

[vividaway]

does anyone remember that one really toxic abusive sanders sides discord server that existed in 2018-2019 💀💀 in hindsight that was CRAAAAAAAZYYYY

[mx-ryder]

Some thoughts on Hazbin Hotel

I literally just watched HH this week, followed by binging Helluva Boss on YouTube right after. And my Dash is full of HH and HB stuff now. And the other day I saw someone posted their thoughts on the show, including one specific take that it falls right back under the typical "Sinners are bad but hey, we can fix them!" sort of trope. (I really don't know if I'll be able to find the post again, if I do, I'll reblog/link it here or something).

And hey, I'm not gonna argue that it doesn't, per se. I just think there's a bit more to it than that.

c.w for general religious trauma talk, SA mentions, drug use/abuse, alcohol use, addiction, gambling, probably other things I'm not thinking of

(Also please don't feel like you have to read this. It's literally just me rambling because I haven't been able to stop thinking about this topic all fucking day, so I wrote it down to get it out of my head. Obviously if you read it and want to comment/continue the discussion, feel free. Just please. Be respectful.)

Now.

All my thoughts on HH are very much colored by my past experiences with religion, US christianity, specifically. More specifically still, the sort of christianity that makes people believe that "home schooling" their kids, isolating and indoctrinating them away from anyone who might make them question it all, is the best course of action. I grew up bouncing from church to church, from home schooling co-op to co-op, all so my bio-mom could find the exact group to echo her own sentiments back at her.

Among the things I grew up believing were great ideas such as:

Sexuality is inherently disgusting, and something you should always be forcing down/avoiding/punishing yourself about. Masturbation, porn, sex before marriage, dressing "immodestly", and any sexuality outside of heterosexual were inherently evil and worthy of punishment. Sometimes that punishment was being assaulted, because really, she should've covered up, right? Girls, sometimes girls as young as 12-13 (if not younger) were villainized for wearing tank-tops and shorts, because they were causing the boys to stumble and immodesty was a moral failing on their part.

Drugs, alcohol, substances in general, are bad and wrong and using them, or heaven forbid becoming addicted, is a moral failing on your part. You are a bad person for consuming a drug, and therefore deserve to fall into addiction, houselessness, starvation, and/or abuse.

Poor people deserve it. Accepting help of any kind is leeching off good, hard-working people. Your worth as a person is directly tied to your ability to be a "productive member of society."

Any mental health issues are your fault, and are either because you don't believe in jesus hard enough, or because you're inherently broken and sinful and therefore unsaveable. There is no room for sympathy or empathy for anyone struggling.

There's a reason these are the same stereotypical archetypes you see in this sort of show. The queer sex-addict. The gambler. The "weirdo" who isn't like other people and enjoys "weird" things, or enjoys things "too much". Even just the party-girl character. Because these aren't just stereotypes. These are actual entire groups of people who are ostracized and vilified just for being who they were born to be, for making choices christians don't like, or for being sick.

And that brings me to Angel Dust. Who, by the way, I wish I could've been given a content warning about, because holy shit Ep 4 and Addict hit me really fucking hard. My friend recommended the show to me without having watched it, so I went in not expecting that sort of storyline to punch me in the gut out of nowhere.

Anyway! Angel Dust! Literally named after a drug. A gay porn star who flirts shamelessly with anyone and everyone, who proudly shows off his best films to his friends, who secretly hates his job, not because of the sex, as we come to find out, but because he's under the thumb of a fucking psycho who treats him like shit and actively physically, sexually, and mentally/emotionally abuses him. He's basically been trafficked, and hates that he doesn't have any say in what happens to him in front of the camera. It's a horrifying position to be in, and one that left me a little shaken up, tbf.

The take I'm mostly writing this based on is that Hazbin Hotel falls into the trite tropes of "rich white girl attempts to fix people who are below her" and specifically mentioned disappointment in how Charlie didn't try to argue that Angel Dust didn't deserve hell based only on his addiction or sexual past, but that she instead claimed that she could "fix him."

And I just . . . think that's a little bit of a black/white take.

For the first part, what would people rather she do? Put all her time, effort, influence, and power into trying her damnedest to help her people, who are being slaughtered by the thousands every year just because Adam is bored? Or sit at home and use all that time, effort, influence, and power to make rubber duckies like her father? She could just ignore everything going on, call it hopeless, give up, and ignore the suffering of her people. Would that be better? Would that satisfy this weird little "she's just a rich white girl with privilege" gripe?

Charlie is a rich girl. A princess. Someone with huge amounts of privilege, power, influence, etc. But you know what? She's also stuck in hell. She was born there, through no fault or choice of her own, and because of who her parents are, she is trapped in literal hell, with no hope of ever, ever ascending to heaven. She does not get a chance at redemption, because she was born to the wrong people. She is a young woman who was born into horrifying circumstances, living in a world that she frequently expresses disgust for (her frequent discomfort with sexuality, her disgust toward the cannibals, her dislike of violence, even necessary self-defense).

And she still loves her people and wants to see the best in them.

She would be completely justified in hating everything about hell, her life, the people around her, her parents, heaven, everything, really. She has every right to hate her entire existence, but she puts all that hatred for the system into her efforts to fucking do something about it. Why is that a bad thing, just because she was born into a position of power and authority??

And now on to Angel Dust.

Charlie never once makes a judgement call about Angel or his habits, his work, or his personality. She expresses discomfort with the sexual nature of his work (tbh wouldn't be surprised if she's a sex-repulsed ace), but she does not think he's a bad person because of his work. Nor does she think that he needs to stop doing his work in order to become a better/good person. When she tries to get him some time off, she's explicitly doing it because she wants him to have time to decompress and participate in activities at the hotel, not because she wants him doing less of his specific kind of work.

She never condemns his partying, either. She has a bar in her hotel! She defends him partying, right to heaven's face, because she knows everyone present has partied, everyone has enjoyed a drink with friends. There is no condemnation of his partying activities, and I don't think she ever makes it seem as though Angel needs fixing.

What I got out of that episode, watching Charlie passionately defending her friend in front of the worst fucking person in the universe, was that people do not need to be fixed, but some love and support can help them make better choices for themselves. Angel still has a good time. He still has his job (contract, y'know, but would probably be in the industry regardless). The only thing different about that particular night of partying is that he's out with people who care about him, and who he cares about.

Even Cherri, though she expresses some joking disappointment that he's spending so much time worrying about Nifty, doesn't actually seem that put out by it. She teases him a little, but leaves him to do his thing. And his thing is making sure his friend, who is less experienced at partying (and who is significantly smaller/more vulnerable than most other people), is safe and okay. His thing is defending his friends from an extremely dangerous person, at massive risk to his own personal safety.

And he didn't do any of this because he'd been "fixed" or because he'd "changed." He did it because, for possibly the first time ever, he has people around him who love and care for him, and who want the best for him. And who he loves and wants the best for in return. He said himself that he stays out of his mind on substances, allows himself to be drugged and assaulted, puts on this persona of care-free-crack-whore-who-only-thinks-about-sex, because he is trying everything in his power to dull the pain he's in. Because he doesn't believe he deserves any better.

And this, this is what Charlie is trying to show Heaven. She is trying to show them that there is nothing morally damning about alcohol consumption, or even drug use, sex work, or anything that makes Angel who he is. She's trying to show them that, with some love, care, and support, with a safe place to call home, with their base physical and emotional needs being met, people don't need to resort to the sort of destructive behavior heaven/Adam is condemning! People can choose to engage in these behaviors safely, consciously, and with people around them who want them to be safe and have a good time.

Then we get on to the idea that this entire episode ends on. Heaven doesn't know how people get there. They don't know what it takes to be "good enough" for heaven. Sera herself admits that Adam was just "the first soul in heaven," all but admitting that he's just there because he defaulted into it. (Though that does make me wonder, what about Abel? He would have died long before Adam, and considering how long Adam lived, and that there were plenty of other people around by the time he would have died, where were all those souls going??).

And Adam is the fucking worst! He is literally the worst, most selfish, violent, vulgar soul in the entire show, but he is allowed in heaven, for reasons no one even understands.

You know what the difference is between Adam and Angel?

Adam can't be fixed.

His behaviors are all destructive, not to himself, but to others. He insults, abuses, hurts, and kills with abandon. He made this weird, shitty deal with Hell and Lucifer because he wanted to murder innocent souls, because he was bored, and the rest of heaven doesn't even know about it. He has free reign to be an absolute piece of shit to everyone around him, damaging people left and right, and he will never face any sort of justice for it, because hey, he's already in heaven!

But Angel? Angel's behavior is all self-destructive. Again. He gets fucked up to dull his immense pain. He allows himself to be drugged and assaulted because he believes he deserves it. Because he's been told, for who knows how many thousands of years, that he's a whore anyway, so why shouldn't he be free to use for anyone who wants to take him? He has been beaten down, physically, emotionally, sexually, until he's a shell of a person who is struggling to find any reason to continue his shitty existence.

And he hurts only himself.

I mean, okay, he does piss off Husk sometimes, crosses boundaries/etc. But he and Husk pretty clearly fix that between themselves. There's no lasting damage there, and idk if anyone else noticed, but he stops that behavior pretty much entirely after that ep.

Angel is hurting. He is hollow, and hopeless, and trapped. And he does not need to be fixed, nor does Charlie ever attempt to do so.

All she does is reach out a hand, and say, "Hey, I see that you're struggling. This place is fucked up, isn't it? Maybe I can help."

Charlie is a flawed person. She takes her privilege for granted. She feels the immense weight of her choices, and the pressure of having taken responsibility for a people who may never want her help. She messes up, because somehow, she's endlessly cheerful and optimistic, despite her upbringing and the world she grew up in.

Charlie is flawed. But she's trying her fucking best. She isn't trying to fix. She's trying to help.

We all need some help, every now and then, don't we?

[chandajaan]

To me Love is inherently good, it has to be because it is the standard I wish to achieve not a state I can simply exist in by default, and therefore a responsibility. When we think of love as including that which is not good we’re betraying it’s base tenets so that we can apply love to those who might have not earned it. Affection, desire, fondness are feelings we can experience but love is a behaviour we need to exert! When we allow bad like neglect and abuse to exist in love in any form we are allowing a threshold for abuse and neglect that is acceptable in love, which can’t be the case.

[morningbloodystar]

yippee your no longer a baby, I can ask you a deep question now !!

what happens to abuser's when they die? Do they go to hell? What if the abuse was only to one person? What if it never got physical and it was only mentally emotionally and occasionally verbally?

And is it the same with bullying?

-🪿

Right! Buckle up, Anonymous, that's certainly a question to talk about.

Firstly - any abuse is abuse, darling. There's no magnitude to abuse - verbal is just as harmful as emotional, mental strikes hitting just as hard as physical ones. Do not allow yourself to validate one's crimes against you by diminishing their impact.

Undoubtedly, the abuser would go to Hell, no matter which manner they hurt others.

There are a few, rare cases where the abuser may have repented in their life, and genuinely changed for the better, towards themself and others - yet, chances are, they'd still end up Down There, if for no reason other than guilt. You humans never allow yourself true redemption.

I assure you - Hell is, if one thing, fair to souls. You say that they might've only hurt one person? Well then, it's a good thing we can concentrate the pain of a thousand injuries onto their singular body!

Abuse is abuse. No matter the semantics. There might be reasons, but there will never be an excuse. There will never be a justification.

Bullying is a difficult thing to deal with. It's, to put it simply, the most terrible thing a child - or even an adult - can have inflicted on them. Yes, it is abuse, regardless of who the perpetrator is. The intentions or nuances of the one who hits doesn't lessen the pain of the blow.

It's.. complicated, and where the nuances of redemption come in. A child, in their ignorance, might have irreversibly hurt a fellow. Does that still count as a sin half a century later, when the child has grown to a mature adult, one who recognised and truly regretted - even mended, perhaps - their actions?

Or perhaps the bullying never stopped. Perhaps, with each drop of seemingly 'innocent teasing' justified with a "they're just a child, they don't know any better", those responsible neglecting to teach any better - one day, there is an ocean filled with spitefulness and malice.

It is an unfortunate truth that this is what happens most often. Rest assured, it's a one way ticket to Hell then.

Take care, Anonymous.

[seldomscilence16]

Whumptober Day 2:

"I'll call out your name, but you won't call back." 

Thermometer | Delirium | "They don't care about you." 

Fandom: ATLA (AU)

Prompt used: Title, Delirium, "they don't care about you."

Alright this ones short cause I rewrote it like three times… anywho, have some light Zuko angst. I'm gearing up for a little more intensity in day three so 😬. Beating up in first paragraph tw!

…

Another punch, right beneath his ribs, has bloody spittle flying from his mouth, choked air being the only sound accompanying the motion. He refuses to give them that satisfaction, to show that weakness here, they can beat him bloody and blue, but Zuko was once a crown prince, he's been through far worse than this.

Fire licks at his ankles, an angry yell filling the air. 

"Why do you protect them? What? It's not like they like you. They don't care about you. Why do you think they haven't come? You offered them an escape and they took it, each and every one of them. You are a Fire Bender Zuko, a Prince- Banished or not- you are alone. Tell me where the Avatar and the traitors went, and your misery can be over." Zhao has a crazed look in his eye, fire sparking across his finger tips. 

Zuko doesn't answer, spitting a glob of blood at the Admirals feet instead. It earns him an angry kick that has him finally falling to his knees, but he grins up anyway like he's won. Zhao can't seem to realize that Zuko knows they won't come. He's not worth it, Zuko knows this, all of what Zhao says. But they're all safe, and that was Zuko's priority. 

Zhao, seemingly fed up with Zuko's silence, waves a dismissive hand and the guard behind him knocks his weapon over Zuko's head, hard. The world fades around him, and he welcomes the momentary peace of the darkness. 

"You know Zuko, the writer of Love Amongst Dragons also wrote my least favorite poem."

His mothers stare is blank, sitting under the shadows of their tree, staring across the pond. Across her cheek is a bruise, uncovered but remnants of makeup still visible. Curled into her side, Azula sleeps, eyebrows furrowed. Zuko makes a noise to indicate his attention, trying not to ruin whatever this moment is.  

"Always pointing out what I lack

I can never tell your aim

It's not just your bags you pack

And I'll never be the same

Life on the rack

I'll call out your name

But you won't call back."

She pauses, but the poem seems to ring out in the following silence. 

"Do you know why it's my least favorite Zuko?" She answers before he can, "I always wanted true love… this poem, written by the same writer of my favorite play, reminds me to find the good." At this, she cups his cheek gently, careful not to disturb his sister, "You two. I hope you two can find love and happiness someday. Promise me, you'll never let anger rule you."

And Zuko, well how could he say anything else,

"I promise."

Zuko wakes with his mothers voice in his ears, and her hand in his hair, Azula's soft breaths filling the gaps. The performing frog and turtle duck are odd, and very dramatic, is that really the voices they'd have?? Zuko can only watch them idly, too tired to truly decipher if the animals before him exist or not. 

"...won't call back!" The turtle duck strikes a dramatic pose, tragically dejected. 

Huh… is… that what Zuko was doing? His mother told him to find happiness, so in his banishment, he'd turned a new leaf. His crew were basically pirates now, and they were actually helping the Avatar. He was doing good, but he supposed it was over now. He'd be taken back to his Father and punished for crimes against the throne, probably never see the light of day again. 

"You shall not reign any longer!" With a weird sun behind the Frog, he goes down with a downward strike of the Turtle Ducks wing. 

The thump of the frog is echoed by a louder thump that moves the surface beneath his cheek. His sight moves up slowly, blurry and doubled- the animals continue out his peripheral- to find a figure doing something at the cell door. They're not in red, rather tones of blue and gray, though he lets his sight fall again when his head throbs. It feels like he has two bad eyes, and the throbbing ache at the back of his skull is doing him no favors. He decides to go back to the animals, its easier.

It's only when feet go through the performance that he's reminded of the whole thing. Something hisses above him, and then theres a delicate touch at his nape,

"Hey buddy, we're gonna get you out of here. Your sister is scaring the guards now, and her friends are clearing a path, and the others are waiting at Oppa to get ya to your ship. Just uh… yeah let's move nice and slow." 

"But da 'urtle du' isnt f'nished yet." 

"... well, they can finish later." 

"M'kay."

[nightmarecountry]

He had shown him an almost gentle affection up to this point; rough hands, scouring fingers, yet never quite so devastating as the way he tore apart his prey. This night sees a shift in his once restrained behavior. Absence may see the heart grow fonder, for Severen it has made him savage. There is a hard sheen in cloudless blue, a focused, feral ferocity that pierces through flesh at a glance. “I’ve missed you”, comes a husked rasp, voice deep, growling through his bared fangs as the shadow born thing curls around this stray ray of light penetrating his darkness. “The way you say my name”, frost dusts its high cheekbones as cracked lips press near its skin, jagged nails scratching along its throat. As he presses his broad chest against its spine, the wild creature pulls the spawn back into his wraith-like form. “The way you bend”, nearly rabid, it licks the exposed portion of its flesh, “the way you break!” Hard points dig in, arms encircling into a crushing hold. His sunbeam is here and he will not miss a single moment of its golden glow.

Gone for seven nights, two of the first spent rotting in his cage to escape the foul moods of his master. Better to be out of sight and out of mind, let himself be locked away where he can't make things worse, but gods, the boredom. The empty of it all. Alone with his thoughts and his hunger for two days and nights, hoping Morpheus wouldn't come to see him, but wishing that they would.

For those two nights and every night after until this one he had thought incessantly of the monster that now shadows his free hours. Had known it would be waiting for him, sniffing around his usual haunts. Had feared somewhere deep inside himself that it might dare to come here and he would see it ripped apart at Morpheus' hands. Finally he could wait no longer and had slipped from the castle with no protest from his maker, though something in him sensed that Morpheus knew he was not only leaving to hunt and feed.

All that dread solidifies the moment they're together again--I shouldn't be here, we shouldn't be doing this--and then it simply melts into a different, preferable kind of apprehension. The beast is wild for him. It has missed him; it presses against his back like an animal, claws raking thin red lines along his throat, and the spawn cannot help itself. It tilts its head back against the thing's shoulder, dizzy with the force of its enthusiasm for him, letting itself be drawn in close, closer. After a week of being largely ignored by his creator, his monster's icy touch is a searing brand; his teeth feel as if they will leave jagged scars with how deeply they sink into flesh, for all that the Corinthian knows it does not--cannot--scar anymore. Not without considerable effort and repeated reopening of wounds.

It is just as well. Morpheus' wrath if his fledgling was marked by the beast would not bear thinking about.

As the Corinthian sags in its grip, eyes half-closed, its voice resounds in his head. The way you bend. It's holding too tightly, biting too hard, but there's no escape from its jaws. The way you break. The spawn keeps shuddering in its arms, nails digging into the thing's sinewy forearms as it drinks of him like it may never taste him again.

If the beast can hear anything at all over the rush of the spawn's blood and heart, he might hear the faintest, rattling rumble in its throat, more subtle vibration than true sound.

"I don't break," he mutters, hazily, eyes watering with pain. Drunk on proximity, torn between the kind of hurt that transmutes into a fucked up kind of pleasure he's been chasing in strangers for centuries, and pain that is simply pain, the kind most animals claw and cry to get away from.

The Corinthian grits its teeth, finally trying to pry away. It, too, hungers. "I would have come back to you sooner. I got... caught up."

[vim-is-posting]

one thing i personally cannot stand is when people compare the prison to exile. like, on my dash "dream cant complain about torture after what he did to tommy he deserved that AND worse" with 700+ notes like "omg so true put him back in the torture box"

first of all... those were very different. wrong, in both cases, but very different.

and secondly... no one deserves torture, yeah? why do the c!inniters get to rant about the different ways they'd love to hurt Dream, but the SECOND the same is said about Quackity, or Wilbur, or anyone that isn't Schlatt and Dream... ThE hOrRor, yOu mUst CondOne it iRL!!! shout-out to my old twitter where people would occasionally dm me that im an abuser, while also saying Dream, My Little Meow Meow, deserved Quackity's visits, the isolation, amd the starvation...

like... make it make sense, bro

[carryingstarlightinherwake]

Narancia arrives at Fugo's for a sleepover. Fugo gets a concerning status update from Bucciarati regarding the mission they were contacted about earlier in the day. Night falls, and Fugo's dreams are haunted by memories of his family, while Narancia awakens to realize that something is wrong. (Part of Whumptober 2023, using prompts from Day 2, 7, and 24 — "They don't care about you," "Can you hear me?," and "Neglect.")

Special shoutout to @whumptober for bringing me some inspo for areas I was stuck with in this chapter. Y'all are the real MVPs. On that note, every chapter after this will be Whumptober 2023 material.

Content warnings: Fugo's anime backstory being referenced + references to past sexual abuse by extension, along with any and all related triggers these things entail. A quick reference to drug abuse. Depictions of emotional abuse (from parents) and neglect. Depictions of self-hatred and anxiety.

While I am trying to make sure it is as non-graphic and non-triggering as possible, Fugo is currently having a bit of a PTSD trigger moment, so if any of those things or anything else listed in the tags are triggers for you, then please take care of yourself. Your safety comes first. <3

[knownbyanothername]

there really is like..... an epidemic of older 'qerky' white women abusing younger afabs and telling them it's part of feminism to let them be abused

(putting this under a read more bc of abuse mentions and some slightly more... i guess it turned into a vent? but more in the sense that i started thinking about things. tell me if more warnings r needed)

and to clarify (I'm gonna put that I'm also white and afab so everyone knows where i stand) I'm also well aware that people like this also tend to be horribly transphobic towards transfemmes. and the reason why i say white women is because it's....usually 'cis white woman who thinks by pure virtue as a woman they can like do anything and get away w it because they refuse to acknowledge their own privilege'

but the reason i bring that all up is bc i just remember this... weird as fuck writing professor i had that was basically 'quirky white woman' and was just on purpose extremely bizzare and abrasive because when asked she was 'being the professor she wishes she had' when in reality from my end it made it difficult to go to class and at worst made me absolutely terrified of her

i think of both publishing professors i had who acted as if all writers were dumb babies who needed ~o great publishers~ to make sure they didn't publish anything STUPID or UNMARKETABLE

i think of the business 101 professor i had who put all of us under extraneous circumstances and then justified it with 'well i had to meet my group at 3am so you can too' and acted as if she did some great job of shaping me up when in reality that single class burnt me out so bad it affected my whole college career and just taught me 'no matter how hard you work or how much you cry or beg for help, no one will care or see it so don't try that hard it's not worth it'

i think of the fact that even in college the worst isolation I've felt is from other women

i think about the women's space i emailed asking for an interview for a class project who couldn't even be assed to get my (essentially now deadname) correct when responding to me and talked down to me implying i was wasting their time. i never entered that 'women's space' once during my entire college career, both mortified and realizing i wasn't welcome

no one took the abuse i had suffered seriously because it was from a 'poor old lady' who i was expected to just support like a martyr until she died or i did something to myself. i was taught not to exist.

i think about the fact that every women who i confided in about my abuse in my hometown excused it in some way or another

i think about the fact that it's been mostly other women who essentially defined me as a 'failed girl', even my own parent, and bared me from traditional feminine things that i now finally feel like i can enjoy. it's a miracle i even got an autism diagnosis considering the (female) person i spoke to advised i 'likely don't have adhd' because of the fact i masked and had so many systems, essentially. i was ignored because i wasn't fun quirky, i was 'we're going to act as if you're a failure of an adult but no one will reach out to show you how to do anything'. the response i got from every group i interacted with, implicitly, (of women) was just 'get away from me you fucking freak' without saying that.

all the worst abuse I've suffered, in one way or another, has been from another afab. repeatedly, a circle of time that contorted me to other people.

i think about the fact that i fucking hate most lesbian circles because of how violatile they are, desperate to find the 'imposter' among them, that they make being an asshole their main personality trait.

so when i look at colleen i look at someone i know that at one point my college could have defended. i see one of my many FEMALE professors who decided 'quirky' equated to 'funny emotional abuse'. older women who I've seen repeatedly decide 'i can scold you for not being an adult to my standards but as the matriach I've earned the right to act like a child'

it's a miracle i graduated. well i did, but at the cost of any personhood of mine.

[princecosmosanon]

I would go into more details, but that leads to spoilery territory and I’ll only give them out if you or someone else requests them (and it will be under a cut).

Ohh I would love to hear them!!

Haha, alrighty you asked for it! I’ll be putting the answer under a cut. And for those who want to dive in, this is a response to Why Zuko is Acting Out at the end of chapter 6 in Hearts on the Mend.

Also, the following content can be upsetting to some, so please tread carefully and as always, mind the tags:

So, first off, Zuko is a victim of abuse in this fic, which happened to him when he was a child. I have already tagged this in the story itself as “implied/referenced child abuse” and “implied/referenced rape/non-con” and someday Zuko will explain about that, but I will say for the sake of keeping it more sanitized here, he has some incredibly averse reactions to being touched or cornered.

However, he cannot escape the fact that he is a member of the royal family, he is the next heir to the Fire throne, and he will need to have heirs of his own someday. Thus, his current predicament.

Despite this, however, he does not hate Sokka as it seems to be implied by his words or actions. Zuko is actually what I call “scent attracted” to Sokka; he has an incredibly strong reaction to Sokka’s scent in general and it compounds his own physical attraction to him.

As you can guess, this is also what Sokka is currently going through.

But then why did Zuko react so badly to Sokka’s smell at the end of chapter 6?

Well, Zuko is very stressed, and he feels as an Alpha he has a certain level of power over Sokka, and the imbalance of power is fueling his anxiety. Sokka did not hear the entire conversation between Zuko and Iroh, and before he heard what he did, Iroh (being an uncle) was just teasing his nephew a little to try and help with his tension. It backfired causing Zuko lashed out at someone who he thought wasn’t there and couldn’t be hurt by his words, which we all know as readers that is not the case.

Zuko’s biggest fears are turning into the people who once harmed him; of becoming someone who abused their power in order to physically abuse someone who cannot fight back. He’s not being stoic, he’s holding himself back. He’s not being stuck up, he’s trying to ensure he won’t become a danger. It isn’t uncommon for victims to feel like they are the ones who fucked up, like they are the reason bad things happened to them and that they’re bad people who are going to turn into those same abusers.

Zuko has a lot of trauma to unpack and heal from, and as the prince it’s not something anyone can easily speak about for fear of listening ears.

Someday, Sokka will hear Zuko’s story, and it’s gonna be hard on both of them. But this is a story about overcoming trauma, healing, and learning to handle relationships when the worst of us rears it’s ugly head. That’s why it’s called Hearts on the Mend. There’s so much healing to be done. Hopefully, you and everyone else reading will be able to appreciate just how much Zuko is trying once the full reality of the situation comes to the fore.

Thank you again for reading! As always, if anyone has any questions they are free to ask, and I am always willing to answer even if it’s full of spoilers because I like talking about my writing.

[noxcomnia-a]

@coeguale​ asked: “ you’d accept a caress from the same hands that leave you bruised, just to feel warm.  ”  beast dazai for fedya

" OH? WOULD YOU NOT DO THE SAME? "

YOU SOFTLY CHUCKLE TO YOURSELF AS YOUR HEAD CANTS. Dazai is a funny one. Smart, Clever, ​​​​​​​always in your way. Most of all, he was usually right in his presumptions. You suppose they could be named facts in that case, but it is human nature to be attracted to warmth. The garden of Eden was undoubtedly warm and the embrace of the lord and savior would be so warm it'd burn, but you believe that pain is love. Surely Dazai would relate to such a sentiment, but to ever agree with you would mean that he was to be vulnerable and neither of you can have that. Your game of cat and mouse would be ruined if you were to agree on too many things. If he agreed with you out loud it'd make him realize one of two things ... he'd either have to accept you are just as human as he is, or he'd have to accept that he is just as stained and inhuman as you are. (Perhaps co-existing as both are possible. To be human and monster.)

Even if you were a monster, you know your lord would still love you.

" Perhaps we are the same in that vein... Running back to be bruised over and over. The sweet feeling of the burning warmth of someone who doesn't even care if you live or die. " Your hand coming up to stroke the other cheek as you lean into his ear " The only difference is that one of us is honest about it and the other is lying. Now tell me, маленький котёнок, Which one are you? "

[murmuur-vanilja]

Fictober 2022.3 — Excuses spinning around

Prompt number 3: "That was not my intention." Original: Independent piece Rating: T Warnings: abuse mentions

“That was not my intention.” He cried and begged for mercy, terrified of my so-called absolute judgement, as if I would ever lay a single finger on him nowadays. I listened to the words, somewhat annoyed — yet a new version of the story was being told by him. His life was but a constant rewriting of events, again and again, always unsatisfied with the results. What good was an apology for things no one remembered, or to say the least, no one remembered properly. Through layers and layers of reinterpretation, the original had been lost in translation. When you fuck-up, you can make the existential dread more tolerable by sharing the burden. All you had to do was to spend days thinking about it, and surely a new meaning would emerge, forever replacing the original sentiments. He used to be admirable, and he came to be stagnant. He used to be a main character in this life created by gods and polluted by boring adults, but he fell down in rank. A shadow of whom he used to be, a blur of grey identities, a pitiful sight of unworthiness. For the first time, and after years, I had stopped caring. People change. He failed to realise his full potential and spiralled down until even the darkness was neither a character arc nor trait any more; it was merely the feature of an NPC.

“That was not my intention.” Once smiling, twice crying. He messed with all kinds of emotions as he played with my feelings. He knew what he had been doing from the very start, weakening me to his liking, and throwing the toy away as soon as he found a “better” replacement. Still, for the sake of it, he wouldn’t let me go, and pretended to still care any time I would confront him. He would take the blame, but in a manipulative way. Did he truly feel sorry? I don’t really know — he was pathetic, he was one kind of confusing human. After all, I would never take away the humanity from my abusers, even if he took away mine when he played. Of course, I was resentful. He wasn’t a monster. He was human. He wasn’t hungry for blood; he wasn’t out of this world. He was part of it, and that’s exactly what enabled him to trick me for years on end. “That was not my intention.” In the end, how many people had told me those exact words, desperately searching for an exit to hold onto their self-image? How many more would use these to get out of a confrontation? I’m not sure, but I don’t think I care all that much today. Cutting you off was, indeed, my intention.

[fedblood]

HEADCANON

ed hates christmas with a fiery passion. back when his mother died and all that was left was his ab*sive, alcoholic father who treated him as if he was the worst thing to ever happen to happen to him, a piece of him died, a piece of his joy. christmas had never really been much of a holiday to begin with for his family but after her death, it had just gotten worse. at least when she was alive they would have a little tree in the corner of their home and it would have at most 2-3 presents beneath it because his mother was the one who would put them there, or there would be one from his uncle, never anything from his father but disdainful looks and gruff words. after she had passed, his father would simply throw a dirty sock at him that contained a singular candy cane and huff out an emotionless “merry christmas. now, shut up and don’t bother me.”

after his father was put away for the long run, his uncle would try to do as much as he could for him for the holidays even though they didn’t have much and he wasn’t around as much as he would have liked to be. but it still couldn’t fix the damage that had been done, christmas just wasn’t joyful or merry, it was just a reminder of the treatment he had received from dear old dad.

[malocclusive]

Today was obnoxious. Constant mewling about my reopening a super simple assignment the kids had 4 days in class to do (take 2 pictures of their work at the table just as proof it exists before putting it in the kiln room, and self grading using the rubric we've had on the board the past 2 weeks.) whimpering that hey didn't know it was the *school wide deadline* yesterday. Nope, I can't give you an extension per school policy/I know for a fact I reminded you personally Tuesday to make sure you got it done, but we're playing shit on your phone.

Hell, most were on their phones as I explained the above anyways. I won't sit and hold your hand for you, you're probably 16, and one of 33 kids in the room I have for 45 minutes. I just honestly can't do it, nor is it teaching you independence or life skills to do so.

We have a program for students with emotional disabilities at my school separate from the resource program for students with autism, and the above kid was is one of em. I LOVE my kids from that program, and they always have a good time in my class. The vibe is overall "get your shit done and make something you enjoy, here's a rubric of what I need to give you an A/show you learned the technique I need to reach you". They do well with the freedom.

I go to happy hour occasionally with the program's teachers as one pretty much lives at the bar, and we have a great time. We got chatting and I was giving some of my background. Abusive households, neglect, drug and alcohol abuse, yada yada. "Oh, that sounds like something X is going through. Would it be ok if I said he should talk to you about it?" Fuck yeah, man!

That was like 2 weeks ago, so when he came up to me today and says "Mr ____ (idk the dude's last name, I just teach the kids he teaches lol) told me about your alcoholic relationship." Thinking he meant Mr. Happy Hour, I go "Well I don't know why he brought that up to you, but I'm 32 and like booze. I'm allowed to, I'm old." "Augh, no!" And he scoffs and goes off. He huffs a lot, that's just his way. He's not super great at communicating, which I know, so I just let it go. He comes back a little while later, and starts telling me about how he knows I grew up with alcoholics. I bust out laughing because I'd totally forgotten I had that conversation, and explained that I was wondering why he cared that I liked to drink.

He's going on and tells me about his alcoholic right winger nutjob dad. He came back at lunch to keep talking, and I explained that I had a lot to do, but was listening even if I seemed like I wasn't. This turned him off a few times since he's not the best at social cues/I ended up having an emergency reported by my DND club kids (One of their buddies broke up with the other, saying some concerning things etcetcetc but reported it to everyone they needed to and I applauded their maturity and grasp of the situation) but I was so fucking pleased to get this text when I got up from my nap this afternoon.

Shit's good for the soul, man.