#accept that one ask on insta but that wasn't a nice one so I better shut my mouth and don't ask if she could accept paypay

[scrunchi]

There are those Losers plushies from lani that I am OBSESSED with, but she doesn't ship to germany. So I struggled all week to find a good proxy company so I can ship it to them first so they can send it to me??

Uhh, yeah turns out the shop only accepts credit cards and... I don't have one to pay online and... I'm fucking sad now haha

I was so excited, put the shop launch into my calendar and everything, just to see I can't even pay the shop in the first place qwq

I was lucky some friends of mine got the Reddie plushies to me last year, but that was an stressful journey and won't ask them again to do it. I swear, I will be lurking on ebay or something to wait if in 10 years someone sells their plushies. I would literally die for them.

[delusionalwriter02]

Can you do a insta as yosano, akutagawa or gin gf pls(? this series is really cute :D

Insta as Yosano's GF

a/n : I LOVE Yosano and I have so many ideas for way too much characters so let's go!! thank you so much for your request <3

<3 liked by Ranthebestpo, Yosanurgirl and 209 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : We did a photoshoot and I fell in love again

Ranthebestpo : Omg she's stunning

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : She really is

Yosanurgirl : Bee I love you SO SO MUCH

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : I love you more

Elisefather : My eyes are blessed

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : And you're blocked

↳ Daze_i : You accept compliments from Ranpo but not from Mori ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : Ranpo is a bro, Mori is a weirdo

↳ Daze_i : Yeah I see it now

Atsushiii : I love the vibe of the photo, it's calming but sexy at the same time, really you did great

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : You have NO RIGHT for being so cute and nice

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : Atshushi we should totally do your photos like the white hair shining under the sun, at the beach, I can style your hair a little bit and you'll have EVERYBODY head over heels for you

↳ Atshushiii : I don't think that's a good idea but I trust you

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : LET'S GO, @.Yosanurgirl we have work to do

↳ Yosanurgirl : with pleasure bee

<3 liked by Atshushiii, Gintonic and 287 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : i'm the luckiest person

Atsushiii : Thank you it was really nice

↳ Yosanurgirl : no problem, it was fun

Daze_i : You went to the beach and didn't invite me ???

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : It was for Atsushi not you

↳ Daze_i : But you were in swimsuit

↳ Yosanurgirl : Only I deserve to see MY girlfriend in swimsuit

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : I love it when you're jealous

Gintonic : girlllllssss come to my place tomorrow, the new pool is finished, Higuchi will be here too

↳ Yosanurgirl : OMG IT'S FINALLY FINISHED ?? we'll totally come

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : It's been sooo long since the last time I saw Higuchi, I miss you both

↳ Higucci : Miss you too girls

↳ Daze_i : Can I come ?

↳ Gintonic : Of course not

↳ KunikiDA : Dazai tomorrow you have a mission so, no, you don't break into Gin's house

↳ Daze_i : How do you always knows what I'm about to do, it's getting annoying

<3 liked by Higucci, Yosanurgirl and 309 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : it was such a lovely night

Gintonic : it would have been even better if the fuckers didn't came

↳ Yosanurgirl : I still don't understand how they did it

↳ Daze_i : I ask Akutagawa for the security codes

↳ Gintonic : @.Akutagawa you're a traitor

↳ Akutagawa : But he said it would help him

↳ Gintonic : And you didn't even question his actions ????

↳ Akutagawa : I stoped doing that a long time ago

KunikiDA : So how many were you in the end ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : 6. Higuchi, Gin, Yosano and I at first then Dazai and Chuuya came but they brought gifts so we forgave them

↳ KunikiDA : what have they brought ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : Chuuya brought Yosano and I favorite wine, Dazai absolutely nothing so actually he is the only one we don't talk to anymore

↳ KunikiDA : just wine is enough for you ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : If it's enough for Yosano then it's enough for me

↳ KunikiDA : I'm loosing faith in you

Atshushiii : Why is there fireworks behind Yosano ?

↳ Yosanurgirl : Ask Chuuya and Dazai

↳ Atsushiii : @.Daze_i @.Chu_uya

↳ Daze_i : I don't remember why but I bought fireworks so I had to use them

↳ Chu_uya : The house behind is Akutagawa's, I wanted to annoy him a bit but he wasn't there so it's not fun

↳ Atsushiii : You two are friends only for pissing peoples off

↳ Chu_uya : We are not friends

↳ Daze_i : what are we Chuchu ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : Are we assisting something private ?

↳ Chu_uya : ABSOLUTELY NOT DAZAI STOP BEING SUGGESTIVE

↳ Daze_i : never

<3 liked by Yn_theoneandonly, Ranthebestpo and 284 others.

Yosanurgirl : birthday girl

Yn_theoneandonly : HAPPY BIRHTDAY MY LOVE

↳ Yosanurgirl : I love you Bee

Ranthebestpo : Are you going to the restaurant I told you about ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : SHUT UP STUPID BRAIN IT'S A SURPRISE

↳ Ranthebestpo : oops my bad

↳ Yosanurgirl : I never read that

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : RANPO I'M GOING TO KILL YOU

↳ p0e : i dare you

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : fuck it, you're both not worth my time

KunikiDA : Have a great night you two

↳ Yosanurgirl : Thank you Doppo, you'll be here this weekend for the party ?

↳ KunikiDA : Yes I wrote it in my notebook

↳ Daze_i : Of course you did

↳ KunikiDA : got something to say Dazai ? Should I remind you that I still have your gun lockdown ?

↳ Daze_i : give it back to me pleasssseeeeeee

↳ KunikiDA : The day you become actually responsible, I will

↳ Daze_i : But I am responsible

↳ KunikiDA : You're always late, you break into people's house, I always have to stop you from killing yourself, you never do your report, you hide my notebook, you don't show up to the meetings, that's not what I call responsible

↳ Daze_i : you're not a funny person

<3 liked by Yosanurgirl, Gintonic and 387 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : guess who's going to change her last name

Gintonic : CONGRATS MY GIRLLLLSSSSS I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU

Higucci : IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING

Ranthebestpo : Yosano you listened to me, I'm surprised

I love this serie omg I feel like i'm doing way too much post but I LOVE IT so thank you so much for your request!!

See you <3

[seokjinsonlyone]

Oohh I don't know if my comments have been sending 💔 Tumblr has been so rude lately about not allowing me to send asks or write comments sometimes, but YES what you said about Hobi!! A few months back when he posted that picture of him in nothing but a robe in his hotel room I saw a comment on Twitter or Insta idk that was like "He fucks, and we have to accept that.😭" and I was like 'accept'? Bitch I support the Hoseok slut campaign full throttle.

He is so mmm, I think how much of a flirt he is, is often overlooked but when you observe his body language and his space presence, especially now?? There's this air of confidence that you know comes from a man who's got it going ON!!

Would meet your eyes from across the room, would make you get all shy would just a glance, would basically fuck you on the dance floor with how scandalous your moves are together, and would send you home in the morning limping, sore, hair a hot mess, with nothing but a cute kiss like he wasn't a demon the night before.

And he is soooo foul for that because I just know he gives you the boyfriend experience afterward. Would wake you up in the morning with slow sllooowwwww kisses all over your body, would let you pick out anything from room service and feed it to you in bed.

Even when you're trying to sneak out early in the morning because you're trying to be respectful of the fact that he's an idol and not down for anyone clingy, he'd feel you leaving and look at you half-lidded, chest bare, voice deep, as you try to find the panties that he no doubt hid from you somewhere to...enjoy later...and hits you with the "leaving so soon baby? I'm hurt."

and when he can see in your face that you got butterflies in your stomach from that one phrase, he continues to push it omg, in this sweet, borderline mocking tone. "C'mon, I couldn't have been that bad right?" and makes soft mouth noises like you're some type of animal that needs to be coaxed back into bed with him, and honestly, with the way ya'll went at it last night you wouldn't be surprised if you were. And then he sits up a bit and the sheet drifts a little further down his waist and he spreads his legs a little, just enough to draw attention to the area and you look down and see he's already hard and dripping pre, enough to leave the sheet damp.

The next time he speaks it comes out breathless and rough and he stares directly into your eyes as it he says it..."because daddy can make it up to you if he was. Nice and slow if that's how you like it. I don't mind setting aside a day for you baby. I'll figure you out, don't you worry. Just come back to bed and let me show you how good I can be for you, yeah? I'll let you tell me what to do...let you use me until you're dripping on both of us, okay?"

Yeah...you dont leave the bed until at least mid-day. And when you wake up to those wet, hot, lips of his all over you as he holds up the breakfast menu for the five-star hotel...you start to see why there are so many NDAs in this industry because this man is too much.

Is a slut so he sends you back with one of his shirts and boxers on. Does not let you leave in anything else and promises to dry clean your dress for you. Lets you take one of his personal drivers back to where you need to be. Kisses you long and hard on the mouth as you have to leave, then sweet on the temple, and says "special treatment for my special girl." Gives you his number with the note that he might not always respond, but if you need anything, physical or otherwise, he better be the first person you call. Walks you down the car and doesn't go back inside until he sees you drive away safely because he's sick like that. -🌻

SHE CAME TO THE PARTY WITH A SWITCH ON THE GLOCK 😭😭😭😭😭 DEAD IM DEAD THERES CASUALTIES

like U SO RIGHT about this bc hobi seems to value efficiency nd if u was already there for the night you might as well make the most of the day too 🤷‍♀️

but fr fr the nail on the coffin for me truly was you saying he wouldn’t go back inside until you drove away safely LIKE THE ABSOLUTE SLUTTIEST THING A MAN CAN DO IS CARE ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING AND HOBI SO WOULD GIRL U GOT ME PROJECTILE VOMITTING GOODBYE

🧎‍♀️🚶‍♀️🏃‍♀️

[threenorth]

I slept alright a slight nightmare, quite crippled by it this morning left my charger up in my common room so just got my phone back up online.... Maybe later I'll vent about my shit sleep.

Edit: after a simple email...saying I'm thinking about you...

Just I have your number but I'm not sure if it's yours or your dad's and he still scares me...

Like you would think a psychologist would be nice to say the least in the sense of having understanding of mental health but yeahhhhhhh...

8:37 edit:

Only now do I feel my mental health, in risk of the Rath of what your father said to me

About suing me into the ground...

We're about to find out if I have days here or what I hoped was 3 weeks...

I added L.H's bf and hope K will maybe accept my request and I can ask him to let L.H add me back and I can try ask her to help me with finding you.

8;57 I messaged LH haven't talked to manager on duty... Kind of dreading it to be honest...

Today I feel good but very also shit, I guess the good news is I'm sleeping better but my dreams and mares are more vivid and vast waking up in a sweat short of breath with the altuide it's just so scarey... I tried to calm down and my inhalers helped, haven't popped my anti psychs as it's just not bad bad but a hit in my stability and depending how my talk goes with the motel manager I might go back to city market and get some food other than pasta...and who knows I might get LH talking to help me.

I regret that I wasn't as observant, as I could be... I know you study environmental science but I didn't know where and there's four colleges, I assume you still work a Cafe but I don't know whitch one... Or if you ended up changing jobs?

You know I'm in town so, I guess your waiting for me to call and I'm sitting on the fence of... I never thought I needed your number... You never gave me it and the means of how I got it I don't deserve to maybe I say maybe have it still.

I say maybe as I don't know if it's the correct one as my mental health was in a bad place, and you have all my socials I sent you a message on my side insta but it seems the good old insta you can't send more messages until they accept you...

I'm doing Soso today, but I'll do some mba and maybe some shopping after I talk with the guy, upbeat music is helping take my mind off some of my issues, I'd normal try go for a run now my nose works better but yesterday I got light headed scretching in the shower and with my mare I'm just on edge as I'm close to the line of how far I shouldn't be up here... It's just... You have to understand how risky it is for me... But I guess it is the only way to show my commitment that when I'm given the green light I'm here but now I'm thinking about my favorite part of 500dos the whole expectation vs reality.

I also am thinking about Forrest Gump but I didn't watch it on the plane expecting werd cuddle under a blanket fort watching your favorite flims.

I guess maybe soon? But marr' on gutair sound riff on how soon is now?

It's weird feeling so many things for the first time in awhile and getting back to writing, I had a few ideas for a movie script but I decided to shelve it as I wanted your opinion and your insights.

I'm also kicking myself I forgot to bring my hard drive with me to watch some other flims...

Anyway it's 9:14 I'm gonna go up and ask when he's in and maybe then go have a shower...

Thinking about you. Xoxo

[born-to-lose]

The Boy Next Door

Pairing: Middy Cruz/Mitja Toivonen x reader

Requested by @thetimecrystal

Summary: Your new neighbor is way too hot and the fact that he's in a band certainly doesn't make it better.

Tags: fluff

Words: 1,413

A/N: I know I've been promising you this fic for months, but I finally got around to write it for Middy's birthday! Also a little thank you to Mica for ordering a Santa Cruz CD for me 🥺💖

Tag list: @warriorteam1924 @slashscowboyboots @losers-yurio @lost-in-the-80s @lucyboytom @blood-on-blood @bakugos-number-one-girl @jennyggggrrr @tuffduff @jonesyownsmyheart @rhyetaylor62 @forgotten-bass @smells-like-perfect-senses

Tip me if you want!

You had just moved into a new apartment building yesterday and today you decided to briefly introduce yourself to your closest neighbors, more precisely the ones living across the hall and next door. The two you had already talked to were around your age and pretty nice. Now there was only the person who lived to the right of you left to meet.

The moment the door opened you forgot how to speak. A young man with long blonde hair in a ponytail and a really cute smile was standing in front of you. He was wearing a grey t-shirt, black jeans, black fuzzy socks and a padlock necklace.

"Hi, I'm Middy," he introduced himself, making you realize that you still hadn't said anything.

You cleared your throat. "Hi, I'm (y/n). I just moved in next door and I wanted to say hello."

"Oh, welcome! Are you new here?"

"Well no, I've lived in another building in Helsinki for one and a half months," you explained.

"Then it's not too late for me to show you around, is it?" He smirked, but somehow you could tell he was genuinely interested in showing you the city. "Anyway, if you need help moving in or anything, you can ask anytime! Sometimes I might be at band practice, but when I'm here, I'd be happy to assist you!"

"Thank you so much! You play in a band?"

Middy shifted from one foot to the other, leaning against the doorframe. "Yes, I'm a bassist."

"Ooh, what's the band called?" You were glad that this conversation wasn't going the awkward way and you had something to talk about.

"Santa Cruz. If you want to come to a show, I'll let you know when we play the next one. You just tell me when you have time and I'll give you some dates, okay?"

"Thanks, I'd like that. I should be free in the evenings from Thursday onwards."

His eyes lit up as you accepted his offer. "Alright, I'll come over later to give you the gig dates for this weekend then?"

You were starting to get flustered because it kind of sounded like he - the hot blonde bassist next door you may or may not already had a crush on - wanted to go on a date with you. "Yup, see you!"

When you came back to your apartment, you immediately closed the door behind you, looking at your friend who was waiting there for you the whole time with wide eyes. "Abort mission, I repeat, abort mission."

Your friend gave you a confused look. "What? Abort what mission? All you were doing was introducing yourself to your neighbor?"

"Yeah and he's too attractive," you whined, sitting on the edge of the bed you had already set up yesterday. "I can never speak to him again."

She shrugged and continued putting the dishes in the cupboard. "Well, then I will if you don't want him."

"No no no, I didn't mean it like that!" you quickly said and she raised her hands, chuckling, "Chill, I'm not going to steal your man. What else do you know about him other than that he's attractive?"

"He's in a band. A bassist. And I have a feeling he wants me to come to one of his shows."

"Hey, but that's great! What's your problem then?"

You threw your head back in frustration. "No, you don't get it. He's like, really hot."

"I don't know, I haven't seen him."

"Hold on, let me search for his Insta." You grabbed your phone and typed Santa Cruz in the Instagram search box, scrolling through the following list until you found a guy called Middy. After looking through his profile for a moment, you showed your friend a picture of him.

She stared at it with her mouth open and took your phone away, clicking on a few more photos of him. "Wow, dollar store Duff McKagan is asking you out and you're ungrateful? Couldn't be me. Damn…"

"He didn't actually ask me out, he only said if I wanted to come to a gig, he'd let me know when they'd play one," you clarified.

"This is basically asking you out." She raised an eyebrow at you, giving you your phone back. "You could also just look concert dates up online. He's offering to tell you personally when you can see him play."

Suddenly, you heard a knock on the door and you walked over to open it. Middy was standing there, his hands in his pockets. "Hey again- is this a bad time?" he asked as he spotted your friend in the room.

You shook your head. "Not at all, don't worry."

"Okay, I just wanted to give you the concert dates I promised you." He pulled a piece of paper out of his jeans and said, "On Friday, we're playing at On the Rocks at 20 o'clock and on Saturday, there's a gig at Tavastia at 20.30 o'clock. In case you want to come to one of those…"

He handed you the paper and you briefly read it again before looking up at him. "Can I come to the Friday gig?"

"Of course! I'll pick you up here at 19? If you don't mind, obviously," he added with a smile.

You fumbled with the piece of paper, beaming. "Sure! Thanks for stopping by."

"No problem! I need to go to rehearsal now, bye!" He picked up his bass case that was leaning against the wall next to the door and waved as he walked downstairs.

"What a snack," your friend commented before he was even gone and you were sure he still heard that, quickly closing the door in embarrassment. She playfully rolled her eyes. "What? I'm just saying what you're only thinking."

"I mean, yeah, but still. He definitely heard that!" you whisper-yelled.

"Why are you whispering in your own apartment? Anyway, I hope you brought some hot clothes for your date," she smirked.

Friday couldn't come soon enough and eventually, you were impatiently waiting for Middy to show up, all dressed up for the gig. You nearly tripped on the way to the door when he knocked and after a brief look in the mirror, you opened the door with a beaming smile.

His eyes widened as he looked you up and down. "Wow, you look great," he said, meeting your eyes. "Are you ready?"

You nodded and the two of you made your way to his car. During the car ride, Middy asked you about what you were doing in Helsinki and you asked him about him and his band. Basically, you didn't run out of topics and by the time you reached the venue, you knew him better than any of your previous dates after one evening.

Once you walked into the club, he had to go backstage to prepare for the concert. "I hope you enjoy the show!" He took his hat off and bowed dramatically before leaving to meet with his bandmates.

A minute later, he returned and handed you a VIP passport, laughing, "Sorry, I forgot this one. Meet me backstage after the gig."

"Oh, thank you! Good luck," you called after him.

You really did enjoy the show and while you loved the music, your eyes were glued to Middy, watching his every move. At times, you even caught him looking back at you and stepping closer to the edge of the stage where you were standing. When the gig ended, your face was hurting, which meant you had been grinning like an idiot the whole time. But it was worth it, you were having the time of your life.

Remembering what he had said to you before the show, you made your way to the backstage area to meet him. The security guy checked your passport and let you through to where Middy was waiting, leaning sideways against the wall. "I assume you liked the show?"

"You were amazing!" You walked up to him and he didn't make a move to step back, instead he just smiled even wider the closer you came.

"Thank you," he whispered, followed by a pause. Of all things you expected him to say next, he asked, "Sorry if this is too forward, but can I kiss you?"

"Yeah," you replied almost inaudibly before leaning in to kiss him softly. When you pulled away, Middy intertwined his fingers with yours. "Are you free tomorrow?"

You smiled. "Of course."

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Four)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Three ※※※※※ Chapter Five

I absorbed and enjoyed the silence that was hovering around my house. I grabbed a glass of juice and sat down on the couch on the balcony. My mom left early for work, and Leah even tried to take me along for a photo shoot she was going to do in Venice. But, honestly, I'm not in the mood for dragging plaster casts around under the sun.

Not to mention that it is good to have moments alone to get my head straight. I know that in a little while it will be even harder to escape from these outings, I mean, I know I have to get back to my routine, but as long as I can avoid it, I will.

I put the juice on the table and pick up my diary. Unlike yesterday, I open it to the first page, like a book, and start reading. I go through a few pages about my feelings, about what I planned about my future, about my parents' divorce.

"I know it was inevitable. Anyone could tell how distant they were, I just didn't want it to be like that, that she suffered the same way I did. And I didn't want to feel that anger from him. But deep down, I know it's for the best.".

A few more pages telling about the scout who had seen me at the mall, the first photo shoot, the first runway show for a small clothing brand. Then arriving at the day I met Ashton.

"That one nobody expected/imagined/sought for. Ashton Irwin is my yoga partner!!! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh my gosh, I never would have imagined that. I was dying of nervousness about being the new student, then he comes and offers to be my duo and oh gosh, he's amazing. Super fun and nice. AND HE CALLED ME UP FOR COFFEE ON SUNDAY.

" Ashton and I sat at a table on the sidewalk. Under the table, I snapped my fingers in nervousness as I read the menu.

- Do you already know what you are going to order? - he asks. I pout and nod my head in denial.

- All I know is that I don't want espresso. - I comment.

- Can I recommend one? I think you'll like it, it's whipped with cream and chocolate, very sweet. - He points to the menu after I accept his suggestion.

- It amazes me how good you are at coffee. - I joke, making him laugh.

- I like coffee. I once took a tour of a coffee farm in the countryside right here in California.

Coffee becomes our first topic. Because he knows and understands coffee, Ashton convinces me to do a tasting at a promising coffee shop in Brentwood the next morning. It was not the kind of program I am used to doing, but everything is different now, my life has changed and so have my types of programs.

- You are lost being my friend, I will call you all morning for breakfast together. - Ashton comments as we drive along the sidewalks of Los Angeles.

My body shakes when it hears the word "friend". I still wasn't sure if I could consider Ash a friend, but now, I'm happy to know that I can and that he considers me too. "

The memory warms and cheers me up, giving me more desire to read and remember.

I don't realize how much I was smiling until my cheeks start to hurt. After that day, his name becomes very frequent, until it joins Leah's.

"I don't know how to explain this girl. She came in so confident and nose to nose, I was sure she would be insufferable, then she opened her mouth and all I could think was 'where has she been all my life? ' And I don't want to get my hopes up or be a pain in the ass, but she's also a model and she talked about me going to her father's agency and if that works out? it's one of the biggest agencies in the world, I'm going to take off. God, if this is your will...".

I laugh at the following narrations that already involve Ashton, Noah and Leah. I can't remember what is written, but my imagination gives me a warm, happy feeling in my body. And if the reality has been as fun and nice as what I imagined, then it was very good.

I feel my body shiver and a chill take over my stomach when I see Luke's name for the first time. I cut the pace of my reading, preparing myself for what was to come. I reach for another glass of juice, buying time and even courage to read the rest.

"I had already noticed him looking at me, I just didn't want to believe he was looking at me, and it was perfect like that, until Ashton brought him in. It's one thing to know who Luke is, it's another to talk to him. In the end it wasn't so bad. I guess. I just stared for the first hour at anything but him, but I guess he must have missed it. Now I'm in the dilemma of if he liked me, I mean, we spent four hours talking and nothing, no kiss, no phone exchange. NOTHING."

I laugh at myself. I can perfectly see myself being embarrassed by him and not being able to look him in the eye.. If I could go back in time, I would tell this Marnie that Luke really liked her, even though I only had a basis in videos and pictures.

I pick up my cell phone and open insta, going to the date that marked my diary. 07/06/18. It was Ashton's birthday party. I flip to the side and see a picture taken in Hawaii, with the caption "The one where we got lost". I turn the page and find that trip.

"I know I am committing one of the biggest follies of my life and deep down, I don't even know why. That's a lie, I do, but that's not the point. In fact, it is, but that's not what I'm going to talk about. Again, it is. The point is: I can't believe that at the last minute I agreed to go on a trip to Hawaii with a bunch of people I barely know. Except Ash, Noah and Leah. And P.S. Monday is his birthday. It only gets better.”

Apparently things between Luke and me went pretty quickly. I read a few more pages seeing that on his birthday, we had our first kiss and from then on everything happened too fast and messy.

I write about many fights and reconciliations. Both he and I, didn't want anything serious, but both he and I, couldn't stay away from each other and there was my reason.

"There is a good big part of all this blocking that I believe is because of what happened and because of me trying to pretend it didn't happen. Dr. Prescott says that if I don't put it out there and don't talk about it, it will consume me. 'Talking about our fears, worries and problems makes them smaller and easier to defeat.'

Besides my parents, no one else knows about that day."

I run my eyes quickly down the page, seeing that that one was about Stephen's cheating.

I close the journal in fear. I don't know what is coming, and I don't know if I have the courage to read it. It is one thing to hear about it from others, from their view and opinion, even if it is not on purpose. It's another to hear about it from my view, from what I've been through.

I have no doubt that there are things in these next pages that maybe even my parents don't know. Things and feelings that I have kept solely and exclusively to myself and I don't know if I am ready to face this, again.

I put down the diary and go in search of something else. Luckily for me, my guardian angel, aka Leah, calls me.

“Are you busy? I thought we could have lunch together. What do you think?” she bombards me, not letting me say hello.

“Hi to you too. No, I'm not busy, just reading my diary.” I run my hand over the cover, keeping in the back of my mind what awaits me. “ I'll take lunch.”

Before Leah can answer, I hear a muffled argument on the phone and wait for the fight to end.

“Sorry, but Noah is asking if he can come along.” she asks, without patience.

“Of course he can.” I hold my laughter, imagining the two of them fighting on the other end of the line.

“Okay, in a few minutes we'll be there. Kisses.”

I say goodbye to her and decide not to read the diary again. The doctor himself told me not to force myself into anything. I set the table and wait for the two of them to arrive.

After forty minutes, the doorbell rings. I make way for my friend and analyze the tall, muscular man behind her. Unlike my memory, the Noah of today has his hair well shaved and brunette, like his sister's. His green eyes fill with tears when he sees me crack a smile, and like his twin, he doesn't wait for permission and hugs me.

“Don't ever do that again, young lady. What a shitty world this would be without you!” he squeezes me before showering me with kisses, all over my face.

Leah turns and pulls him away from me, making me laugh. I follow them both into the kitchen and look at the bags they brought, excited.

“We made sure to stop by The Palm and pick up your favorite dish.” I didn't even know that I had a favorite dish at The Palm. But when Leah opens a box and I feel my mouth water when I see that noodle with shrimp, I realize how little I know myself.

“Have I ever told you that I love you?” I ask softly, with a smile.

We start lunch and today my attention was on Noah, after all he was the new thing. I listen to him tell about the day we met, when he began to advise my career with his sister, and how things have been going since the accident.

“You don't have to give any interviews if you don't want to.” he assures me once again.

I still don't know how to deal with this "public figure" business, but deep down I feel a need to give a "satisfaction" to everyone who knows me. Noah has already sent some notes about my condition, but I know that I will have to appear on some channel in the future.

We changed the subject and started talking about my amnesia. Noah was not very happy that my first memory was his hair fiasco. I commented that I was reading my diary and asked about some events.

“Are we really lost in Hawaii?” they both started to laugh and agree.

“That day I wanted to hit Mark. I was getting very angry that he could not accept that he was reading the wrong map. Not to mention the car dying and us pushing," Noah comments.

“Mark was never good with maps. He says himself that he was a lousy Boy Scout.” Leah says before drying her third glass of water.

“Who is Mark?” I question.

“Mark is an ex-lover of mine. At the time we were chatting and he had the house in Hawaii. One thing led to another and in the end he went along.” Leah ends with a frown.

“And why did we let him drive then?” I ask, full of curiosity. They look at me as if I know the answer. Or, as if I should, but I just raise my eyebrows, saying nothing.

“Because it's Mark.” Noah shrugs. “He likes to be in control of everything.”

“The one who was definitely happy with us there was that guy who owns the coconut stand.” Leah says.

So there it is, the little wooden stand, with a pile of coconuts in front of it. A short man, probably about 50 years old, laughing at our misfortune while selling the fruit to us. Images begin to form in my mind.

" “- Look there.” Kyleen and I focus on the little man laughing as he takes the money from Michael's hand. “He sure is very happy with us standing here.” Leah says.

“Of course he is. We already bought twelve coconuts from him. Bad little man.” I make a face.

“We're not lost. It's just a shortcut.” we cut off eye contact with the stand and focus on Mark arguing with Noah and Ashton.

Leah looked at her lover in total disbelief at what she had gotten herself into. If regret could kill. The next moment Mark stomps his foot on the floor, like a child with a temper tantrum. At that moment, Calum looks at me with wide eyes.

I look away so that he doesn't see me laughing. Kiki, who was behind me, slaps me to stop, but this only makes me want to laugh more. I hide my face in her arm and in the end, my laughter gets out of hand. Both she and Calum start laughing with me, causing the boys to look at us curiously.

It takes no more than five minutes for Mike to join in the laughter with us and soon everyone else was laughing except Mark. Even the little bad man was laughing. It was the worst thing about us being lost, but that's what was happening and it couldn't be anything but comical, even though it was sad too. ”

“Of course he was happy. He sold about fifteen coconuts for us.” I don't even try to control my smile. Once again I remembered, and this is more than great.

The twin couple in front of me crack a big smile too, and soon they are clapping their hands and stamping their feet on the floor, making noise. I clap my hands with them in celebration.

“She is coming back.” Noah comes around the table, hugging me from behind and again showering me with kisses.

I was never one to have many friends. Usually it was just Bethany and Stephen, and a girl in my music class, but I don't know if I can consider her that, after all, we only talked during class and it was all very unrelated.

The point is that I have always envied those people who managed to have a large number of friends, and friends really, not just colleagues. Friends who call you for everything, who are always by your side, who enjoy your company, and who consider you family.

In this moment, with just Noah and Leah, I can see that I finally have these friends that I have wanted so much and without having to pretend to be something that I am not, without having to buy their attention, as I felt I needed it with Bethany. And if I'm happy like this with just the two of them, I can't wait to see the others.

“So, you said you were reading your diary, did you remember anything else?” Leah asks excitedly.

All the happiness and euphoria that had surrounded my body disappears. The bloody page with the bloody day comes back into my mind. They both notice my mood drop.

“I remembered a day when I went to have coffee with Ash, but…” I play with the edge of my cup, trying not to get too much into that energy. “I found a day where I tell about what happened.” I look at them, who are serious and attentive.

“Do you want us to read it with you?” Leah holds my hand across the table, gently patting it.

I shake my head positively and point to the notebook on the coffee table in the living room. I watch her return with the notebook and hand it to me. I open it to the marked page and stare at my handwriting again.

"I haven't had the courage to tell either Ashton, Leah, or much less Luke. I can't tell if I'm ashamed of it or just afraid of it happening again. The problem is that it's really starting to get to me, to the point where I get irritated when I see Luke and Leah talking and it shouldn't be like that. So I need to get it all out so that I can start over.

It was our anniversary. I snuck out of my work to see Stephen at his house. I wanted to deliver his gift soon. Two streets before his house I ran into Noelle, his mother, and told her I wanted to surprise him, so she told me to get the key under the third vase and go in.

Maybe it would have been better just to ring the doorbell and not have to see it. I was very quiet so as not to be discovered, and in the end, I was the one who discovered something."

My racing heart hurts from beating so hard. I can't keep my breathing normal, holding it at various times. I feel like it's a suspense book where no one wants to find out what's behind the door of the abandoned house, but needs to, in order to continue the story.

I notice in some letters and words the ink smudged and I know it was from my tears and it only hurts me more.

"There is no word to describe the disgust, pain, and anger of seeing him and her in bed naked. My until then boyfriend, and my until then best friend.

And what only made it worse was that she didn't even try to explain herself, didn't show an ounce of regret, even if it was a pretense. Nothing. While he tried to say it was nothing like that, Bethany still says it had been going on for a long time."

I close the journal angrily and throw it away, stopping on the other side of the long table. The lump in my throat gets bigger, but I don't want to cry, not for this and not again.

Deep down, I have always had a flea behind my ear with the two of them. The countless rides Stephen insisted on giving her. The way she always motivated me to fight with him, for reasons I thought were small and insignificant. But it was my first serious relationship, what did I know about dating, right? Bethany, on the other hand, had dated seriously twice.

It had always been there, I just didn't want to see it.

“I always suspected it and never, never wanted to believe it. After all, he was my boyfriend and she was my best friend. They wouldn't be able to.” I let out a humorless laugh.

The twins look at me fearfully, as if I were a mother scolding them.

“But you know what the worst part is? I believed him. He looked me in the face and said that nothing happened. That Luke was to blame for our breakup! How stupid of me!” I shout, picking up the diary and throwing it further away, as if it would hurt Stephen.

“Wait, what?” Leah speaks loudly.

I look at her startled and realize what I said. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I didn't want anyone to know about the meeting.

“You met with Stephen? When?” she turns the table around, coming closer. I swallow dryly.

“Yesterday morning," I begin softly, but it was enough for Leah to cover her eyes with her hands and snort. Noah laid his head on his arms, sighing as well. “I was confused and needed to hear and see him.” I start to defend myself.

“After everything your mother told you about him?” Leah asks.

“And you think I would believe her? Would you? With amnesia on account?” I retort. Leah takes a deep breath and denies it with her head, giving me reason.

“But you could have told, or asked, I don't know.” Noah ponders.

“Nobody would have let me, I know nobody likes him and rightly so.” I give in.

“That explains a lot.” Leah comments softly, but loud enough for me to hear.

“Explains what?” I ask confused.

She looks at Noah, who nods, giving her the green light. Like me, she swallows dryly before she begins.

“Explain why Luke is so grouchy and weird. Not wanting to come see you.” he answers, poking at the seam of the chair.

NO! No! No! No! No! Please, no. He can't have seen.

“You have to take me to his house.” I ask, heading for the hall.

“What?” the two shout following me.

“I need to talk to him. Now!” I shout the last part, putting on a jacket with some difficulty.

“But why?” Noah helps me.

“Because I think he saw something that wasn't supposed to happen and got it wrong.” I open the door, going to call the elevator.

“Oh, no!” they understand and soon follow me.

Things between Luke and me may be messed up, but the last thing I want him to think is that I cheated on him.

[goosewithfork]

Song: can’t sleep love by pentatonix

3 months ago

Medic had been staring at the enemy engi for the past couple of minutes. Neither knew about how long it been, and Engi didn’t even know he was being stared at. Medic could have sat there all day watching the engineer set up his nest but the spy had come over and asked why medic wasn’t preparing for the battle. Medic wanted to tell the spy to go away but he was right. He stood up and went to go retrieve his medigun.

Spy thought something was up with medic but he didn’t have anything to go on so he put it to the back of his mind. Although he did want to know what he was staring at, before he could see the round started.

Medic wasn’t all that excited about the round mostly because he knew they would lose. Their team had no leader and the ‘leader’ they did have had no idea what he was doing. He wanted to do something about it, but the team doesn’t listen to him mostly because they think he is too nice to be the leader. Maybe they’re right but he did know that their engineer was not fit for the leader role either.

Engi had been trying to get his sentry up again, sadly something was stuck and it didn’t want to build. The round had been going on for a while and he was a little sad that he hadn’t seen the blue medic. No. He wasn’t sad he was something else. He didn’t miss him at all. He didn’t miss his blue eyes and kind smiles and… he needed to focus. He had found the problem, it wasn’t going to be easy to fix.

Medic was sticking with demo since heavy died earlier. He was barely paying attention. He was wondering if he actually liked engi or if he just thought something else of him. Honestly he hasn’t really thought of a different explanation, but he really didn’t want to go through the drama of getting over it or dealing with those emotions.

A rocket zoomed through the air. Medic fell with ringing in his ears. He couldn’t see anyone. He got up and ran, blu and red mixed. He bumped into a wall. An entrance should be around. Blood covered one of his eyes, the shrapnel must’ve hit him in the head. He heard a teleporter, it must be their engineer’s nest. He yelled for a dispenser.

Engi was confused when the blu medic asked for help, but he quickly opened the dispenser panel and reprogrammed it to accept enemies. He led the medic towards the dispenser. He began wiping the blood from his face. He asked if he was okay, but he wasn't responding, an explosion must have gotten him. He ran to pick up his sentry in case it decided to fix itself at the last minute. He ran back, the blu medic lifted his head and looked at him confused and terrified, but his face relaxed when he saw he was being healed. I do love you don’t I? Apparently the medic thought the same since he asked engi why he loved him. Engi didn’t know how to respond, the medic must be really out of it to even ask that. He heard someone call him. Oh no. He raced to the doorway and answered. It was the sniper telling him to move up, their team was moving towards the enemy base. Engi told him he’ll join them after he fixed his sentry. Sniper believed it and continued to walk.

Medic’s head cleared. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t run, his health was too low and he couldn’t stay, he was in enemy territory. How did he even get here? He must’ve token routes away from the chaos. He tried to stand but the red engineer told him to sit, then he asked if what he said earlier meant what he thought it meant. Medic looked down and said he did. Medic then asked if he felt the same. Engi responded yes but wasn’t sure.

They both felt like maybe they could work something out. Engineer expressed that.

Medic explained he had to go and that they would have talk tomorrow before the round started. He told him where to meet up and to have an excuse ready. Medic stood up his health in a better place but was still feeling pain. Engi told him that he could stay for longer. Medic told him they both had places to be and that he could get a med pack.

Engi watched him leave. He wanted to tell him everything right there and then but he needed to fix the sentry before the he caught up to his team.

Last part will be tomorrow

(The @ leads to my insta (in case people think I’m stealing))

[dinviataunuitiptrans]

#dinviataunuitiptrans

It's 2020 and my only resolution is to take it easy on me and go walk whenever I feel the sadness circling my soul, so this day I do just that.

I woke up freezing because the heater got broken and I know that if I stay indoors I'm gonna fall into some sort of despair so I go and brew some few cups of tea, purr them in bottles, roll up my last blunt from the stash, eat some pasta left overs from new years eve, dress myself in pretty colors and head out. It's been one hour of walking therapy so I stop by McD. to pee and then head out to the small park to have a smoke and rest my legs.

"- Futu-ți morții mă-tii de adiere băşită" is the best my brain could think of when the wind blowed away the tobacco from my rizla while trying to roll, so I start all over.

"- Futu-ți morții mă-tii...", this is my second attempt, the tobacco is all over my pants so I take a deep breath and keep on trying.

"- Futu-ți morții mă-tiiiii!!!!"

That was my 3d attempt to roll but the wind had other plans for my lungs. But then you came bye amused by the words you didn't understand, holding a pack of cigarettes and inviting me to stop fighting the wind and have a smoke from your pack. So I take one and you take a seat next to me and we lit up the cancer tubes, I say thanks and you say I'm very cute and smile. To scare the shyness away I pretend to flip my hair in the gayest way possible:

- Oh, just cute? and I thought I was beautiful, now you destroyed my dreams to ever be an instagram sensation.

You start laughing and tell me I'm actually beautiful and we start playing this game where we kinda make fun of how dumb we as humans are, I'm cracking up silly jokes and you do the same, I tell you I find you very cute also and I apologise for shattering your dreams of being an insta model, you laugh and you give me another cigarette and then move a bit closer to me.

- You're very smart for such a young guy...are you seeing someone?

- Love, you're sweet but I'm not that young...

Then you touch my hand and tell me you already like me and that I don't have to lie to impress you because you have been with guys younger than my age. That's how I find out that I'm most likely 22 or 23 and that you're just few years older than me, you're 25. I tell you lies are not my sexy kink and that I'm born in 1984, on the 31st of May. You laugh but I see the awe on your face so I tell you the good looks run in my family and that if you see my brothers you'll know what I'm talking about.

- Show me

You say that and then cuddled so close to me that you give me no option but put my arm around you while I start pulling out pictures from the phone.

- Here is Patrick, he's the love of my life and one of the sweetest man the Universe has given us. He's gonna be 35 this year.

You say we look alike but that I'm prettier than him so I turn a bit red and start feeling kind of uncomfortable so I swipe away.

- In this picture he's with Max, they are at a court hearing. Max is the oldest one, he is in his 40s and he lives here in UK but up north. I haven't seen him for ages and I miss him and his signature paranoia very much. This is Andrei, I have tons of pictures with him, we live together and he is so sweet that every time I think of him my heart melts. Probably the reason I take secret pictures of him while sleeping.

I show you more pictures with him and tell you the story when I had to sleep in his room and how he cuddled close to me when we were sleeping and you press yourself against my body and tell me you get it why. This makes me feel even more uncomfortable cuz you kinda took up every cm of my personal space but I don't know what to do so I brush it off.

- He's 22 and he might be one of the sexiest of us but he's not the youngest, Gherman is. See? This is Gabi but I call him Gherman, this is a screenshot from one of our chats, I always do this pictures when we talk so that I have them to look at when I miss them. You would say he's 14 but actually he just turned 18. He's an adorable pain in the ass but with the soul in the right place. And this is Chriss, look how gorgeous this guy is and his heart is pure gold. He's such a talented artist but unfortunately he wasn't discovered yet, he draws nudes and erotic art and it's mind fucking blowing. This is a photo with Chriss, Rami and Teo, I almost cried when I got these pictures of them. Rami represents the whole notion of humanness and he's shy just like me.

- This guy is blonde... is he also your brother?

You pointed out to Teo so I show you more pictures with him and then pull up pictures with Andreas also.

- Yeah, we have few blondes in our family but we decided to love them nonetheless. This is Andreas, not only that he's blond but he's also a very wise man. It's always such a pleasure talking to him. He's in Germany now. Just like Leo.

I'm looking for pictures with Leo so I start scrolling for the screenshots from the last whatsapp conversation and you decide to take a break from your cuddle and have a smoke. Now I feel more comfortable even though you're still resting your body next to mine.

- Here is my adorable Leo.

- He looks alot like the first guy without the beard..

- Like Patrick?

- Yeah

You see the pictures with me and Vlăduț and you like him.

- This is your brother also, I can tell. Is he old like you?

- No, actually he's young like you. And also an amazing musician and sound therapist. He makes sounds with weird instruments and then you feel a bit better. But he's not in London anymore, he returned home, he wasn't feeling very good here.

I feel you're a bit disappointed and probably thinking that you'll have to settle with me but once you get me started with my brothers it's very hard to make me stop.

- And this is Aris, he looks like an artist because he is one, he's a painter and a tattoo artist. And this is Elias, if you're ever looking for a smart conversation then he's the guy to go to. Him or Alexander. The difference is the sarcasm of Alex versus the warmth of Elias.

Then I show you Alexander and you smile and ask me if Elias and Alex are twins but I have no chance to answer because now you're handing me your phone and ask me to pull up my fb and I do just that so you start looking around while I'm getting even more nostalgic going through the pictures in my phone. I'm looking for a picture with Abel but I have no more time to show it to you

- You're transgendered?

- Oh love, there's no such thing as being "transgendered", nobody can transgender me, I am transgender because this is how I am.

- You mean you're not a real man?

- I'm just as a real human as you are love, and for sure am a man. Just that I'm a trans man

- And you're proud of this sickness...

And then you show me my cover photo.

I felt your disgust even since you said "Trasgendered" and I know very well that look in your eyes, I once had a crazy girlfriend who used to look at me just like that and somehow it feels so fucking familiar that I sense what is going to happen next so I try my best to avoid it. I tell you that each of us has its own life to live and that people must learn to accept and embrace diversity if we want to heal this human race. I tell you that body parts are just that, body parts and that gender identity is not defined by sexual anatomy. I want to tell you more but I was right and you snap into rage mode, slap the shit out of me almost poking my eye out with your nails.

- Fucking disgusting predator, man with pussy, you should be burned alive.

You walk away in anger showing the middle finger, shouting "fuck you", so I shout back that you wish to have the luck to get fucked by such a proud trans man but that I don't fuck crazy bitches anymore so you turned around and you were fuming so I told you that if you come back to hit me again I'm gonna punch you in the face. You left. I start rolling one and feel sorry I got angry and yelled back but somehow so relieved that you went away.

Dear L.,

You have my FB now and somehow I hope this message gets to you: please get some medical help you are in desperate need, and you won't get to meet nice guys like me everywhere.

I know you have serious mental issues cuz a healthy mind wouldn't let you go to total strangers looking for their attention and affection on a bench in a park, you don't cuddle with strange men and expose yourself like that.

I lived with a girl like you, extremely violent and unstable that is, for a whole year and I know that you were just looking to meet somebody that looks like a nice guy but actually hoping to get an asshole so you can have an excuse to violently manifest your pain. Been there through that already so I know the drill. The fact that you discovered I'm transgender was just the trigger you were looking for, and I didn't feel you hated me but I did feel that you wanted to make someone suffer and you found me, so it was just a matter of time until something would have triggered you.

PS: I'm sorry I threatened you but I don't like being hit. I wouldn't have hit you back but I would have called the ambulance because I learned that being a sweet person doesn't help when somebody suffers like you do.