#accepted. i dont need to mask or hide my feelings he just accepts me as i am and tries to help me work through the traumatized parts

[catgirlwizard]

I used to laugh at that one 'get me a girlfriend so i can deactivate my tumblr' post but then i got a crush on this guy and literally made a tiktok account just to watch videos he sent me and i started using twitter and instagram more cause he didn't know what tumblr was and I wanted to get him to look at hot selfies i posted and trick him into falling in love with me (which worked btw, not the trickery part just the falling in love bit). And that was about a year ago and we've been dating about 9 months now and i haven't even updated my tumblr bio since i was 23 (i just turned 25) and i didn't even know there was a tumblr live function and im so out of touch with this site jdkfghdsf. its so weird not being as active on here when I was addicted to posting here 24/7 as a teenager. and its mostly because the time i used to spend on here is now dedicated to hanging out with him and being an adult with responsibilities and having hot transgender gay sex :') and like. laundry and cooking and taxes and stuff. idk. can a tumblrboygirl and a former teen tiktok star really fall in love? apparently, yes they can <3

[faggot-greg-house]

house is autistic i will accept no criticism

i have so many thoughts about house and autism. this might be the most unhinged post on my tumblr yet but here we go so house had the illusion of normalcy forced on him from a young age. i dont think thats like, full canon, but house talks about how his father abused him on more than one occassion and talked about how he was never satisfied or happy with house no matter what. so i truly dont think its a far reach to say that he would not have tolerated a "weird child." the thing that i think, though, is that all of his actions are a response to the fact that he's not particularly great at masking. he's afraid if he lets people close to him he won't be able to hide the fact that he's "weird" (aka bad). he intentionally pushes people away with his weird creepy comments and being an asshole and that's both him masking (if he's aggressively mean all the time no one will bother to look further) and a way of coping with the fact that he cant mask. the more he pushes people away the less likely it is that they'll see that he cares about things and that he's not "normal" like he's always been told. i also think that as the show went on, he got less and less concerned about masking. he constantly stims, he hyperfocuses and burns out, he panics about change, he treats his fellows a lot more like family. once he got to a point in his life where his "weirdness" is not something he can be ruined for (he's tenured and he has people who will fight for him) he found himself a lot more able to be aggressively autistic, even if he struggles with it due to trauma.

a huge Autism Moment in the show for me is when foreman quits and house fires chase. house has been afraid his whole life of showing who he actually is, as mentioned. his fellows, though, are his People, they knew all of his shit and they never ran awayy from it. they didnt question who he was and what he knew, only his methods, and they were willing to fight back against him (something he's shown he loves). but then foreman quits because he "doesnt want to be like house" and this is house's worst nightmare. this is exactly why he had normalcy beaten into him, because being weird only makes it that people will run away once they know you. he dared to let people see a bit of who he actually is and how he thinks and acts and foreman essentially said "i cant stand to be like you." on top of that fear, his team became Different. he doesnt know if chase or cameron thought the same things as foreman, if they were also judging him or hating him for being autistic. it sent him into fucking panic mode because how is he supposed to trust them when he doesnt know if they agree with foreman!!!!! and even if he could, the team is Different and its for a reason he cant control and he cant just go back to normal. his method of interviewing his new fellows also shows this - how is he supposed to be able to tell if someone will be okay with who he is and if they'll work well together based off a short intervew where he's almost certainly masking the whole time???? anyway. to end this absolutely unhinged post ive put together an inconclusive list of autistic traits and actions from house, and i want to say that so much of this is him being written off as an antisocial eccentric genius and, while he is an ass that cant be debated, it clearly runs deeper than that!!!!

he doesnt understand how ppl feel (he repeatedly talks about how small talk is like a guessing game for him and he doesnt know what to say)

he doesnt like to be touched (for a lot of the show people just do Not touch him, wilson excluded)

he stims constantly and he needs Sensations

he's blunt, rude, somewhat monotone, etc

he has a hard time making friends

he has a hard time saying what he feels (he'd rather joke or be mean than analyse his emotions)

he has a routine that he Sticks To (even thgh its not exactly the same because of patients etc, he goes to work late, he talks to the same people, he sits in his same office. he's shown coming to work sick at one point and he doesnt rly go on vacation. plus when cuddy took his bloodstained carpet it was such a fundamental change to his life that he couldnt deal)

he notices Everything (yes ik this is a sherlock holmes thing but consider sherlock holmes - also autistic)

he has a method and train of thought that works for him and he is unwilling to break from it (he's shown at least once stopping the fellows from writing on his whiteboard, and after he loses the og three he continues trying to hold ddx's because its how he Thinks)

[royal-they]

when discussing gwens transcoding i feel like people dont talk about how her being spider women is literally viewed as politics from the start.

people talk about her and the validity of her actions and choices in front of her even before peters death. her dad specifically questions how she dresses. why she need to hide behind a mask. the spider suit was made to hide the identity of the wearer yes but for gwen stacys spider woman thats always been different, even in the comics.

presenting the way she does keeps her safe when she’s gwen stacy but it also represents the choices she makes. her work as spider woman. its her badge. this line is something that always stuck with me in the comics and i love that they didn’t change it in the movie. her suit and mask are not hiding who she is, theyre an extension of it.

being trans makes how you present yourself very complicated at least in my experience. youre constantly worried around new people and strangers, do they think i look like a boy or a girl? am i passing? if im not passing am i safe? its really complicated, passing doesnt make you more or less valid but a lot of society views it that way and how people see you can change how safe you are. these things are nuanced is what im saying and i like how gwen is allowed to do what feels right for her regardless of what others think.

another point is how shes met with violence when she first essentially “comes out” as spider woman. even though its a loved one, her dad doesnt take it well. because of his duty to society he feels he cant accept her as spider woman.

so she has to run away from home. live with the people who do make her feel at home, her own band as she puts it. and only then, when she’s is able to stand on her own does she face her dad.

they both needed time. to work on themselves. and something important is that he stops being a cop. stops this duty he feels he owes to society to get rid of spider woman to protect their children.

only when he takes time to truly understand her perspective and actions is he able to accept her.

as trans people our identities are constantly considered something cis people and the government get to determine. but with spiderverse we see gwens story as being portrayed as a villian by society. we see it from her perspective. not her dads perspective. not miles, an outsiders perspective who has to come and fix everything. her own perspective. and in the end she doesnt want society to accept her. she just needs her dad. her loved ones. because shes never given a damn about outsiders, there’s never a focus on how some random j jonah jameson feels about her. they instead focus on her dad. because he is who hurts her. and for me at least that’s very relatable.

spider man in general is a very trans subject because society hates him and he has to disguise himself to stay safe. but gwen stacy as ghost spider or spider woman really stands out to me. because it feels so much more personal to get to spectate her life. she’s so real, so human. and that is essence of what makes a spidey.

[kaiserkisser]

so- i wanted to specify what i meant about the concept of dazais actual personality clashing with his masks in mam- i think the main example i can think of is dazai and genuinely liking/caring about the gang, where his first year act allowed him to unconsciously accept caring for them (in his own special way), since mori’s become more involved in the story we’ve seen quite a few moments of dazai seemingly forcing himself to act like or think that they don’t matter to him and he doesn’t care about them. i think there’s also a major element of cognitive dissonance in both canon dazai and mam!dazai where both act like they don’t have emotions or care about people when they very clearly do to some extent even if it’s not in a normal way.

on my other point of guilt- i don’t think it’s really guilt for an action- not for pomfrey, not for pansy’s arm, not for manipulating the people around him- but rather if anything it’s for the fact that he exists and feels as though he just passively brings misfortune to people around him. i think he could be responding to being directly reminded of this by mori and his new mission. more than guilt whatsoever though, i think the self destructive behaviors would more-so come from the fact that the previous year at hogwarts, dazai had a task, but after winter break, he is the task. while the positive environment would have helped him to feel more like a person, the actual mission given directly makes him a tool instead of an agent and would influence him to be even more self destructive. this is just my read on it though- and i could very well be interpreting it completely wrong!

- fable

wait yeah that actually does make sense like in the first year even though he did keep saying he hated emotions and shit, he did allow himself to care for them in his own way, but then after that cursed convo with mori, i think he's passively trying to pull away of sorts?? or like not show to anyone that he actually cares for them because then he knows that will become something that mori or anyone else can use as a weapon against him? and yes, agreed, both versions of dazai pretend that they dont care for whatever reasons, hiding that they actually do, that they're human in a way too

again, i think u do have a point, and agree with the 'he is the task now', his mission right now is to lean into the demon student persona rn if im not wrong (i very much may be bc ill have to jog my memory) and its unlike first year when he had to merely retrieve one of the wizarding worlds important artifact thingys. this time he is his mission. he needs to act like yhe demon student everyone believes he is, and in mori's eyes it should be easy enough for someone like him, and dazai knows that, and that puts pressure on him bc of how he thinks the wizarding world is pretty different from yokohama and the pm. and the demon student is supposed to be uncaring. since he has to lean into that image, he has to be uncaring, or attempt or pretend to be. leading to his self-destructive tendencies. but he tries to do this in a subtle way i think so that the gang doesnt suspect

I honestly have no idea whatsoever where im going with this or even if im going anywhere bc my thoughts r scrambled 😭😭😭 but your interpretation is pretty interesting and has valid points! thank u for rambling and sharing ur thoughts with me omg <3

[td-brick]

genuinely have not watched td in so long but who r some of the characters u think are autistic? just out of curiosity

AHH thank you for the ask I LOVE THIS QUESTION!!!! All under the cut cuz i have a lot. There are definitely more (aka nearly every td character lol) but these are the ones I have a good amount to say ab

Courtney: The one i've talked about the most probably. My reasoning for this has already been said but in case it needs repeating i think some signs of autism in her are: routine planning and getting upset when it's interrupted/disturbed, (arguably) meltdowns, social unawareness/missing social cues, set in her ways/"strong sense of justice", bluntness, etc. Her making lists was also an indicator for me even though thats not a symptom its just something a lot of autistic people do. Idk I feel like a lot of her reactions and stuff on the show indicated autism too.. and i feel like its a popular headcanon but people don't really think of WHY but I do every day. God I love you autistic courtney. Anyways I'm gonna stop there bc. I've talked about this many many times

Harold: This one's obvious and widely accepted but it makes me really happy personally.. at least in how I interpret her i saw her as low masking, like me, and in a similar way to me too. If that makes sense. Like the amount she talks about her interests not realizing people don't care/don't want to hear about it, people ostracizing her for that and her acting "weird" (exhibiting autistic traits) and not being able to hide it/mask in general... idk I feel like those can be applied to a lot of autistic people but I just resonated with that a lot. Also her hygiene stuff is obviously played as a joke, but I saw that as an autistic trait too (struggling with badls). And just a kinda silly observation but she seems to be interested in geography and world history and whatnot which a LOT of my autistic friends are (including me to an extent) LOL.

Millie: I feel like i dont even need to explain this one LOL. Imo part of why she keeps that notebook in s1 is bc of an interest in sociology, maybe a special interest, since if you look at her passion about it from an autistic lens, it makes sense that it would be. I also feel like she's low empathy and struggles a lot w social cues. sorry this one isn't as detailed I've only rewatched the reboot like once vs the other seasons i've watched like 5 times each but yeah. Millie is autistic 100%. Also similarly to harold (although this isn't really canon) she seems like she'd be into geopolitics.not related to autism at all this is just a hc of mine

Bridgette: I don't have much genuine reasoning behind this besides "he's clumsy so he has poor fine motor skills which can be due to autism" <- mostly projecting here. But also I think animals could be her special interest! He clearly cares a lot ab them, which I assume is why he's vegan. Also her being vegan (and her sticking to that) could be interpreted as her being set in her ways/a routine for her idk. This is more of a just for fun one vs one that has canon evidence backing it up but I Like Him :-)

Sierra: Definitely audhd. I mean again I don't think I have to explain this td is obviously a special interest of hers and she has trouble w social cues and acts socially inappropriate. She's low masking too again i'm projecting but it makes sense so who cares... in my mind she also has HSD too because it makes sense with how athletic/agile she is and if i remember correctly hypermobility and autism are often comorbid.

[plushipaws]

I don't think im meant to host. Once our system found alastor (and kinda rebuilt him from the three alters he split into) he has been fronting most of the time and it felt natrual. I became his advisor the way other alters are usually mine. A lot of childhood memories are his. Sometimes hosts do just change over time but as soon as he started doing it again it was like. Oh thank god this is how it was meant to be.

I do think I have existed a long time and fronted even as a child but I think it was mostly him and I would advise him from the back seat the way many alters have done to me later. I think I was created for the advisor role and just had to become the host bc Alastor has very strong NPD and BPD traits (so i beleive whole system is NPD and BPD) that I was good at masking and we had to mask it. I think thats why plushi especially is kinda entirely preoccupied with being cute, non threatening, friendly, and not having needs of its own and existing to always be happy. Creature is focused on being a empathetic listener, helpful and solve peoples problems, and holding depression. We always felt like... kind of empty like, something missing, we should have more personality. I think we are smaller fragments and more specific role focused than we thought, oriented to survive abuse situations. We felt missing a person who we should be, and I think that was us subconsciously missing Alastor hosting.

Trauma caused Alastor him to split into more alters (he still is not a fusion of everyone he was but I think the others are ok being seperate and he likes how he is now) so we couldnt really find him until healing allow him to come together again, and the situation is safe enough I dont need to protect him anymore. We also accept our NPD and BPD and know how to cope with it enough to let him out and allow him to express symptoms in healthy ways.

Im still an active alter and will be around, though the two alters I am (i am a subsystem) switch who is awake more and my personality shifts depending on that, and its not been super plushi lately so it feels weird having this be our main, lol. But plushi will definitely be back, it was a lot of fun being paw and I know paw is still here. Just weird to go from plushi hosting to. There hasnt been a plushi around these parts in 30 days :0

We hope our friends and mutuals will like Alastor too since he will be fronting mostly and we will be around less as we switch to him hosting. He doesn't act quite like me though since I exist basically to hide him so if you don't we understand; he is a lot more openly narcissistic and low empathy which we know not everyone vibes with. (Hes also very openly flirty and kinky which may also put folks off but he understands boundaries and is Normal about them). Though we think we will be a prominent alter and still avalible often, but we don't want to host anymore. We did it for years and we weren't supposed to have to.

Don't worry we aren't going anywhere! We still front often but it used to be like... us usually and then maybe for 3 days tops another alter comes before defaulting to us, and now we may come for three days tops and default to Alastor. And my system members can post and talk online when awake even if not fronting. But Alastor's blog is definitely the most active hub for us rn.

Alastor is @radiostaticsmile

Thanks for reading

[goremet-chef]

random little (very long) vent thing lamaoo

my birthday is soon and im like. IDK ive just been incredibly fucked up recently with like. anti trans legislation and general negativity, so ive been trying to keep away from twitter since thats where i see most of it

last year, my mother had me come get my cake with her and to my surprise it said "happy birthday dominic" and i couldve cried, like i was wearing my face mask cuz it helps my dysphoria but holy shit i was smiling so hard

she said dominic when she sang my bday song with my siblings and it made me really happy

she hasnt called me dominic since, and whatever im like. im not really over it but i will say and act like i am because it prevents me from dwelling on unnecessary pain yknow?

i guess recently she's had a change of heart, cuz she told my sibling that she wants to start calling me by dom and that she doesnt want me to hide who i am from her, and i know what she means definitely

ive been very like.. closed off? especially since her bf came back (he fucking sucks i hate him) i just havent spent time with her or anything unless hes gone cuz i definitely dont feel comfortable being myself around him

anyways this is pretty cool all things considered. i have told her before that i knew she wasnt gonna be part of my journey and ive accepted that, and usually i say shit and she just ignores it but maybe she actually heard that and listened

so, dominic is having his 4th bday soon and im happy about that, but like.. we're gonna go do mini golf for my bday which is a surprise! because i mean. if you know me, i dont really like to leave the house, like at all. i guess thats kinda how covid affected me? theres no reason to leave the house anymore so i guess i wont (and i guess it worked cuz i havent gotten it) but it was like. so horrible for my mental health

like i always said "oh, yeah, i dont mind being inside id prefer to not go outside anyways" and thats true but its like. doubled my social anxiety somehow. im normal in public until theres people around me or god forbid interacting with me 💀💀 the way i act when i have to buy my own shit is awful, i get sweaty and i stutter and i shake, i need to take a long breath after it fucking sucks it feels awful. JUST TO LIKE. PUT SOMETHING AT THE CASH REGISTER AND AHVE THEM ASK IF I WANT A REWARDS CARD OR WHATEVER THATS ITTT it sucks

so yeah im surprised i agreed to it, but its glow in the dark minigolf and one thing about me is i love minigolf and i love glow in the dark im gonna have a five nights at freddy moment (which means i gotta wear my shirt like i just gotta) and im sure itll be great fun (pleased about glow in the dark cuz im sure itll be. DARK in there and i dont have to worry so much about people seeing me)

my problem is that im hanging out with my aunt as well and i love my aunt!! everyone on my dads side except for my dad is amazing i love them, but i dont know how she would be yknow? idk if my mom has spilled the tea about it and told her or if theyre gonna just put my deadname on shit this year again like. i dont know

what if it did say dominic? how would my aunt react? its scary to think about, im so scared to LOSE more of my family

i havent even technically lost my moms side, its just that theyre a bunch of racist queerphobic losers and i know if they knew me, they wouldnt want me anymore

yeah im just stressed about it, all this shit is starting to pile up inside of me and i feel like ill explode and jsut say fuck everyone im ME and i dont give a fuck what you think, cuz no, i dont

my immediate family that i live with knows, my grandma knows, thats all that really matters. the only benefits to knowing my great grandparents is they give me money on my birthday, and that might sound hollow or whatever but its true, they fucking suck

just gettin tired of this sht yknow? even now, there is a hostile on the farm!! my moms bf is so homophobic, most likely transphobic too

hes SPECIFICALLY annoying, all the shit i order comes under dominic and hes brought me my things multiple times so he knows, but he'll still say shit like "thats how females are" or "hello girls" and to me its honestly like

its FUNNY because its like the only thing he knows about me is that to him, im a girl SKFJS like genuinely. i dont share anything with him because i fucking hate him, hes the absolute worst. the fact that theyre married and hes my stepdad technically is something i just deny, im never calling that man my dad lol

anyways im thinking about getting a hip binder? i realize thats one of the things im insecure about, is my fat is at my hip and even when i bind it gives me a feminine sort of shape so a hip binder would be great

i realize that i actually dont care so much if im plus size, i just care if my body looks feminine or not

i will absolutely be your fat guy friend with no hesitation okay like that shit? yes im so content for now like that is acceptable, but yknow fat distributes differently so its either baggy ass clothes orr stay inside SKJF

okay im done talking thanks for coming to my ted talk you are safe (for now)

[helloconfusingfeelings]

do you ever fear ever being truly understood and accepted by friends, family, or partners?

I get sad when people who I put effort into understanding don't put the same amount of effort into me. My closest friend is so lovely but time and time again I realize that there are things she will never understand about me. She isn't always the best listener and I know that about her, but it does hurt my heart when she won't listen or hear. She is more of a, listen to her feelings kinda friend which is wonderful because I love to listen. But it is kinda hurtful when you spend so long listening and dont recieve that back.

I need to realize that I should stop confiding in her but she is my bestest friend so I want her to know these things. One day I told her about my past with depression, suicidal thoughts, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. After I told her everything her response was, "so do you want to kill people? Are you a sociopath?" I was soooo hurt LMAO. I had told her about how I get so sad that sometimes I turn to wanting to hurt myself and her first thought was turning me into some weird monster who wants to kill people. I can't even wrap my head around that. I think that sometimes when people haven't experienced mental illness, they just don't understand it. I guess in her case she just views people with mental illness as monsters, or killers.

My boyfriend understands me completely though. I try not to talk too much about sad things around him because I can tell it makes him sad but when I have talked about them, he understands. He also accepts me in ways I can't imagine anyone else in the world would. There are things about me that only he knows. I've tried telling some of my closest friend and family memebers and they were completly weirded out. But he isnt weirded out by me. Theres a part of me that I am always masking to the world. But I don't hide it around him. He sees it and accepts it.

[wewfimapuppie]

idk if i am protecting myself in any way here. but this is my final log.

i am going to have to take the message at face value. i saw the wkrd frighgebed and scared and idk how he perceived what i was doing. i felt like fuck it yknow i might be wrong but this is how its going for me. i felt it was the best thing to do? idk i def said weird shit.

theres no way around it this time. i went manic. i lost my shit. i imagined all that. i scared him.

to me it felt so real dude. so real. it felt like crazg things were happening to me. and i dont have a good support system so idk haha. i hated taking pills. i felt so awful. so i just wanna rely on God for now. and therapy. i'll find a way.

i'll also lay low. wear a black face mask. sunglasses. black beanie. on my way to work and way out. no one will know its me. i'll change and wear a dif sweater and bring a dif jacket yknow i even wanna dye my tips orange like. i feel so embarrassed and i dont wanna see him or have amyone that knows see me. im hiding. im scared. im disappearing. i will just work, head to Tijuana, get uber eats on fridays and some white claws or adjacent when we get comfy. and we dont talk to anyone except maricruz and our coworkwers yknow. stay vigiliant. i rather you dont talk to anyone anymore. we can make friends some other way.

i rather we focus on paying off our debt. and we drop this. we are at a point where we are questioning a text he sent us. we cant do that......

i rather like i said, we lay low, no attention towards ourselves and we wear a mask and domt do shows we are an online act idk. i wanted to be like yahoo lets do shkws z and this happened instead? i went manic? so idk i need to just dont interact w ppl like natasha i look stupid and crazy i have no supplrt to tell me um this is mania.

i can still paint, i can still sell, i can still make music even. but i cant expand or be public in san diego nah nope. i dont ever wanna see him or anyone. this is embarrassssing dude.

lets jjst keep it simple. food. paint. youtube. spotify. cookies and weed. some alcohol. lets just chill yknow? like back to the status quo? but this time we start fresh i guess. but for rn i rather be alone lmao. i feel cringe.

hopefully i can just focus on the job and getting my life together. thats all i can do. ni modo yknow? what else can i do? stay stuck on this? lets just move on. and focus on keeping ourselves afloat. safe. we will be okay. i still want to pray.

the last thing i'll say though is idk why he said that he blocked me bc i sent him noods when

1. he hearted them

2. he djdnt blkck me

3. i blocked him that time

4. i didnt sent him noods this time?

also i specifically have not mentioned his name jjst ryan and my complaints are like... justified?

so my theories on that is...

1. that... wasnt him...

2. he is like.... a psychopath and it isnt even me!! to twist it. make me feel like i went crazy??

3. hes saying a lie to cover why he really blocked me and its i seem crazy.

its just weird he said 2 wrong things. that i ever falked shit abt him and that i sent nudes now kr that he bloxked me when i did it 3 years ago? like he has reason to say jt was fhe Gkd stuff....

he also just ignored anything i said. about the holy ghost stuff. he didnt talk about God at all. the message was like in broken english it was weird. maybe he was scared? but why say a lie ljke that? when i felt its either im crazy or im...on to something. .

and why did he unblock me at all? to warn me or settle it? its still weird to ignore my one accusation. bro. whats with the staring.

but idk its weird like its enough where theyd know what happened. the email. the calling. ryan. the other subtle ways of contact.

so idk i think he couldnt say its bc you seem crazy and he gave you that reason as to why he blocked you even if it doesnt make sense. eventually we're gonna have to accept this is his response. idk abt what he knows abt me and ryan but i know he knows that unsolicited nudes thing is whack bc be liked them and he never blocked me i blocked him... so wtf.

i hate that this wasnt to me, a proper response. like ok i was frightening shit. but wait ur saying u blocked me? nah u blocked me now. no njdes. so idk what to make of this response. to believe it? theres an incorrect factoid.... that isnt it. so shit what now? now that is what will drive me crazy is saying that shit when that didnt happen.

thags what makes me think maybe he was a... cooky guy. bc hes lying. hes manipulating the situation. he didnt explaim himself. just said i was scary and a lie.

idk what it is at this point. him. me? what are the next steps? well... i rather we pretend it didnt happen. im never contacting him or seeing him. im leaving him alone. i dont want to make it worse. i can find "normal" love like tanner. no celestial shit. just hey we fit.... i wish it was normal. i'll pray for it.

but we forget him Riv.... he's gone. whatever it is you thought... his response, whether you believe it or not, could be his real response. and theres signs that your perspective is skewed. and this is it.

i know the nudes thjng sticks out to you Riv. but what are you supposed to do with that suspicion? i cant go see him and be like "was that really you?" like shiiiit no. so now what?

that is why i wanna tell you this; i need to feed you and pay your debt so im getting u a job. but i will also tell you this; if its meant to be it will be. if that isnt him, the real him will appear. but if not, you have more to live for

so. we forget any of this ever happened. we are in incognito mode. we keep it chill. focus on your mental health.

start working. start forgetting. get good at hiding. keep it simple. we can walk away from this bruv. who says we need to acknlowledge this happened? im dropping thjs. even the lie. it could be a cover up to a harsher feeling. we was nice enough to wish me good health....

i will be w say sd and just surviving. this is my last zane log tbh. for my safety and wellbeing.

[magical-bees]

Look at me! Look at me dont look at the clock, look at me! Everytime you look at the clock I think you dont care, I think you hate me! Stop looking at the clock and look at me!

I was in third grade when a teacher screamed that in my face. I had been pulled from the middle of my class and brought to a separate room. I was scared and confused and just wanted to go back to class with the other kids, but that was not the first time it happened, once a week for multiple years I had been pulled out of the class for “special classes”.

I'm autistic, I was diagnosed sometime around the end of second and beginning of third grade , these “classes” or “therapy” as they called it where supposed to “fix” my autism, or at least suppress it. In these classes I’d do practice conversation with a teacher and read books out loud to learn how to be“normal”. 

The books I read gave me lessons about how there are secret rules that no one talks about that everyone but me was born knowing, don’t fidget, don't break eye contact, don’t speak loud, if you aren’t paying extreme attention to everything you do or say, if you brake one the the hundred secret rules, everyone will immediately think your weird and hate you!

How were my parents, how was I  surprised when years later I needed to start therapy? Think about that, I needed therapy to get over a different therapy! In my schools effort to make me normal, they messed so much more.  My schools approach to dealing with autism was to suppress any possible symptoms, to try to force me to permanently mask. 

“Masking” is when an autistic person suppresses stimming actions, hides special interests, mimics social behaviors of those around them, and suppresses any behaviors that may be seen as weird to those around them. While this may seem like it have little to no negative consequences, the overuse of masking has been shown to lead to increased anxiety and depression, and lead to breakdowns. Along with this masking often involves hiding self regulation behaviors or “stimming” as its more commonly refers to that help regulate emotions in new or stressful situations. 

Masking also hides sensitivity to certain stimuli. I have sensitivities to loud noises, some forms of intense lighting, and setting physical sensations like the feelings of oily or sliminess. Being around these stimulants, especially in crowded places, can lead to sensory overload, when my brain feels too overloaded with sensory inputs and can cause lack of focus, spikes in anxiety that lead to flight, fight, or freeze responses, or shut downs. Having to hide my sensitivity to these inputs and not learning how to live with them has made life much harder. I was never taught how to regulate these symptoms, only to hide them, when I finally learned to accept these things and start to plan around them, such as bringing earbuds with me when I leave the house to help muffle noise, or having gloves with me when I work with certain materials, my life got so much easier.

As I’ve talked about my experiences you may have been thinking that I don't look or act autistic, and to that I have to ask what do YOU think an autistic person is supposed to be? For many people when the phrase “high functioning autistic person” is said a young boy comes to mine who likes trains and is bad at communicating, this is for 2 major reasons, the research on autism that is most widely available and the representation in popular culture. The first person diagnosed with autism was Donald Triplett, who was diagnosed in 1943 when he was around 10 years old and died only a few month ago, on June 15 2023. I want to you to really think about that, the first officially diagnosed person died only a few moths ago, that is how new the field of research on autism is! Most of the research until quite recently on autism was done on young, upper middle class, white males. That is a very narrow demographic to studies someone as wide ranging and unique as autism.

That brings me to the second reason for the popular stereotypes about autism, representation in pop culture. What I’m about to say must of course be taken with a grain of salt, I have high functioning autism, I can care for myself and most of my problems are about writing and socialization, this may be different for people of different areas of the spectrum or have had different life experiences. For many neurotypical people when autism in media is brought up Sheldon Cooper is the first to come to mind, an abrasive, detailed oriented man, who has a few special interests, and has various problems with social interactions, he is a character meant to be laughed at. And the wild thing, he was not supposed to be autistic! When he was first written the writer's goal was to make an unlikable character and they grabbed many of the traits associated with autistic people and turned them up to 11.

Good representation of autistic individuals while slowly increasing is rare, but so very important. I will forever remember watching the show community for the first time and seeing Abed Nadir. Abed was one of the first good depictions of autism I had seen on television. Abed is treated with respect by the show, is autism is depicted realistically and it’s not his entire personality, he’s creative, smart, and despite him misunderstanding some social situations he has friends who care and except him, he’s depicted as a full person who is worthy of love and a full live without needing to be “fixed”. Seeing an adult who I related to who was about to do so much and was depicted with so much respect was so important for young me. It showed a future where I could have friends who didn’t need me to conform to certain standards and I’m able to do what I loved.

Autism is a wide ranging subject and effects every person who experiences it different, so why is it only treated one way? Why are characters depicted in only one way, why is research only based on one group of people? Why are children taught to only act one way and suppress it instead of learning to live with it? Autism is not one size fits all and it needs to stop being treated that way, the systems in place for people who have it need to change

[sadclownhouse]

The Price of Flesh Walkthrough: [Celia] ; [Mason] ; [Derek] ; [Fox]

I just want to start with saying that this is how I, myself, got these endings. I’m sure there are other ways to get them, so don’t worry if our play throughs were different! feel free to send me a message if you're struggling!

Marked spoilers for…obvious reasons ENJOY!!!!

*MISSING A CG?? PICK -> [fight] <-when Derek shows up the second time

Ending #1: You volunteered for first blood

Beginning choice doesnt matter

1. [try to distract them] 2. [beg or refuse lead to the same ending] FYI; if you have sexual content on, you will be sexually assaulted by Jack

****

Ending #2: He didn’t let you run Beginning choices don't matter, just dont pick [try to distract them]

1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] I RECOMMEND SAVING HERE 6. [drink the water Derek gave you] 7. [stay in the fissure 7 times, then go to sleep when your energy is low 8. [go back into the desert after you walk up and stay until Derek shows up again] 9. [beg or fight will lead to the same thing] 10. [bite him or stay still will give you the same ending]

****

Ending #3: You Wandered Into The Camp for this one, you need to kill Derek so he doesn't show up when you go to the camp

1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then search the area twice, fill the canteen with the water from the puddle] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk towards the camp] 9. [plant your canteen] 10. [walk back to the desert] 11. [walk up to the hill] 12. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 13. [enter and wait] 14. [grab komodo] 15. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 16. [sleep] SAVE HERE 17. [leave the cave] 18. [go to the open desert and Derek will show up] 19. [beg] 20. [stab him] 21. [kill him] 22. [walk down to the fissure] 23. [peek] 24. [i know about a hidden cave] 25. [stay until your energy is low, sleep] 26. [leave the cave] 27. [go to the open desert] 28. [walk towards the camp] 29. [if jack isn't there, keep staying until he shows up]

****

Ending #4: You Were Caught By Jack 1. [walk down to the fissure] 2. [stay until jack shows up]

fyi: nothing you choose matters, as the ending will be the same every time. Also, if you have sexual content on, jack will sexually assault you.

****

Ending #5: You Paved The Way For Sacrifice

1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water] 7. [stay until its dark] 8. [go to the open desert] 9. [walk up the hill] 10. [without waiting, search the are and enter the hidden cave]

****

Ending #6: You Were Sacrificed This is probably my favorite ending

1. [walk down to the fissure] 2. [search the area twice to find the puddle of water] 3. [drink it] i love komodo here, if you have sexual content on, there's a moment when he starts touching you and his face flushes under his mask

****

Ending #7: You Wandered The Desert for this one, your sanity needs to be at zero!

1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then stay twice] 7. [go to the desert] 8. [walk up to the hill] 9. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 10. [enter and wait] 11. [grab komodo] 12. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 13. [sleep and stay in the cave] 14. [stay in the cave when tom notices the footsteps] 15. [stay 14 times once Tom leaves] 16. [once your sanity is at zero, leave the cave] 17. [walk back to the desert] 18. [nothing you choose matters, it all leads to the same ending]

****

Ending #8: Your Fight is Over 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then search the area twice, fill the canteen with the water from the puddle] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk towards the camp] 9. [plant your canteen] 10. [walk back to the desert] 11. [walk up to the hill] 12. [search area but don't go inside the hidden cave] 13. [stay until morning, then search the area again] 14. [enter the hidden cave] 15. [sleep since your energy is low] 16. [leave the cave] 17. [walk back to the desert] 18. [walk down to the fissure] 19. [peek] 20. [i know a hidden cave] 21. [stay until Jaqueline tells you her plan] 22. [i agree] ****

Ending #9: You Bled Out 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [refuse] 5. [beg] 6. [walk down to the fissure] 7. [stay stay until you die] ****

Ending #10: You Escaped With Friends 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then search the area twice, fill the canteen with the water from the puddle] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk towards the camp] 9. [plant your canteen] 10. [walk back to the desert] 11. [walk up to the hill] 12. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 13. [enter and wait] 14. [grab komodo] 15. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 16. [sleep] 17. [leave the cave] 18. [go to the open desert and Derek will show up] 19. [beg] 20. [stab him] 21. [kill him] 22. [walk down to the fissure] 23. [peek] 24. [i know about a hidden cave] 25. [talk to Jacqueline until you can give her the knife] 26. [keep staying until you notice footsteps] 27. [pick any, don't save him] 28. [stay until Jaqueline says you need to work together] 29. [I agree]

****

Ending #11: The Machete Was Laid To Rest 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then search the area twice, fill the canteen with the water from the puddle] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk towards the camp] 9. [plant your canteen] 10. [walk back to the desert] 11. [walk up to the hill] 12. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 13. [enter and wait] 14. [grab komodo] 15. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 16. [sleep] 17. [leave the cave] 18. [go to the open desert and Derek will show up] 19. [beg] 20. [stab him] 21. [leave him] 22. [walk down to the fissure and stay until jack and Jacqueline show up] 23. [peek] 24. [i know about a hidden cave] 25. [stay until night time] 26. [leave the cave] 27. [go back to the desert] 28. [walk towards the camp] 29. [stay quiet and watch Derek get killed] 30. [walk up the hill and go back into the cave] 31. [stay until Jacqueline tells you her plan] 32. [i agree] ****

Ending #12: You Refused To Cry 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [refuse] 5. [Keep refusing] **** Ending #13: You Played With Fireworks For this one, you need avoid meeting Derek the second time! 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then search the area twice, fill the canteen with the water from the puddle] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk towards the camp] 9. [plant your canteen] 10. [walk back to the desert] 11. [walk up to the hill] 12. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 13. [enter and wait] 14. [grab komodo] 15. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 16. [sleep and stay in the cave until night time] 17. [leave the cave and go back to the desert] 18. [walk towards the camp] ****

Ending #14: You Gave Your Life In Exchange 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then stay twice] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk up to the hill] 9. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 10. [enter and wait] 11. [grab komodo] 12. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 13. [sleep] 14. [leave the cave and go back to the desert] 15. [walk down to the fissure] 16. [peek] 17. [intervene] **** Ending #15: You Tried To Be A Hero 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then stay twice] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk up to the hill] 9. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 10. [enter and intervene] ****

Ending #16: The heat got to you 1. [stay in the main area until Derek shows up] 2. [run and you will end up in the fissure] 3. [go back to the desert to avoid being found by jack] 4. [stay until machete finds you] ****

Ending #17: You Drank The Water 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then stay twice] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk up to the hill] 9. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 10. [enter and wait] 11. [grab komodo] 12. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 13. [sleep] 14. [leave the cave and go back to the desert] 15. [walk down to the fissure] 16. [stay down] 17. [search the area twice and drink from the puddle] **** Ending #18: You Went Down In The Escape 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then search the area twice, fill the canteen with the water from the puddle] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk towards the camp] 9. [plant your canteen] 10. [walk back to the desert] 11. [walk up to the hill] 12. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 13. [enter and wait] 14. [grab komodo] 15. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 16. [sleep] 17. [leave the cave] 18. [go to the open desert and Derek will show up] 19. [beg] 20. [stab him] 21. [kill him] 22. [walk down to the fissure] 23. [stay twice and peek] 24. [I know about a hidden cave] 25. [talk to Jacqueline and tell her about the knife, but keep it] 26. [keep staying until you notice footsteps] 27. [pick any, don't save him] 28. [stay until Jaqueline says you need to work together] 29. [I agree] ****

Ending #19: You Were Betrayed 1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] fyi; if you have sexual content on, Derek will face fuck you 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then search the area twice, fill the canteen with the water from the puddle] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk towards the camp] 9. [plant your canteen] 10. [walk back to the desert] 11. [walk up to the hill] 12. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 13. [enter and wait] 14. [grab komodo] 15. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 16. [sleep] 17. [leave the cave] 18. [go to the open desert and Derek will show up] 19. [beg] 20. [stab him] 21. [kill him] 22. [walk down to the fissure] 23. [stay twice and peek] 24. [i know about a hidden cave] 25. [talk to Jacqueline and tell her about the knife, but keep it] 26. [keep staying until you notice footsteps] 27. [save him] 28. [stay until Jaqueline says you need to work together] 29. [I agree] ****

Ending #20: You Succumbed To Thirst 1. [walk down to the fissure] 2. [stay twice] 3. [go to the open desert] 4. [stay until Derek shows up] 5. [run] 6. [stay 12 times] 7. [go to the open desert and sleep] 8. [run when you wake up] 9. [stay until jack and jacqueline show up] 10. [stay down] 11. [go to the empty desert and you will fall asleep] 12. [run] 13. [stay 7 times] 14. [go to the open desert] 15. [run] 16. [stay til you fall asleep] 17. [stay 7 times when you wake up] 18. [go to the open desert]

****

21. He Took You Home For this one, you need your sanity at 50 or lower! At the beginning, keep watching when the girl is dragged away!

1. [Stay in the main area 3 times until Derek shows up] 2. [hide] 3. [pick any of the three, they lead to the same thing] 4. [accept] 5. [walk down to the fissure] 6. [drink the water then search the area twice, fill the canteen with the water from the puddle] 7. [go to the open desert] 8. [walk towards the camp] 9. [plant your canteen] 10. [walk back to the desert] 11. [walk up to the hill] 12. [stay four times then search the area to find the door] 13. [enter and wait] 14. [grab komodo] 15. [stab him or refuse will have the same result] 16. [sleep] 17. [leave the cave] 18. [go to the open desert and Derek will show up] 19. [beg] 20. [stab him] 21. [leave him] 22. [walk down to the fissure and stay until jack and Jacqueline show up] 23. [peek] 24. [I know about a hidden cave] 25. [stay until night time] 26. [leave the cave] 27. [go back to the desert] 28. [walk towards the camp] 29. [if your sanity is low enough, stop him will show up]

[mokutone]

THANK YOU for keeping kakashi’s mask on for that. Whenever I see art of him kissing someone with his mask down it’s like “you think a guy who wears that thing 24/7 365 even to bed is gonna take it off so someone can put their lips all over him? No way”

dgjhdsgkjh this is really such a funny response to my post and i enjoy your passion for kakashi saying the mask stays ON for kisses. thank u + im glad that u enjoyed it!! i also prefer seeing his mask on, tho perhaps for different reasons!

i did actually draw another boruto era scenario where kakashi pulls his own his mask down to give yamato a quick kiss, but we still dont get to see his face

n then more needlessly detailed kakashi mask thoughts under the cut:

tbh i do think he wears it p much all the time, but i don't think its like he wont ever take it off? and i don't think hes like, as protective of it as he acts like he is with the kids...i think he just likes playing with them 🥺

its like, its like the bell game, can these kids get the mask off? its a good team bonding exercise AND good practice for kakashi, bc even if hes out of their league in terms of skill, they are determined, a group of three vs his group of one, and even if they get tired fast they also bounce back fast. i think its genuinely so fun for him, if it wasn't, and if he was serious about never letting them see his lower face, i think he'd be a lot more harsh! but in the eps where team 7 is trying to get a look at his face, he seems to be teasing them and encouraging them to try harder which. is genuinely really cute.

honestly the reason i had him keep the mask on is because i DEEPLY resent the anime for making any version of kakashi's face "canon," especially using a sketch kishimoto drew that pakkun + the ninken specifically said, in some other additional part of the manga, was NOT what his face looked like (which i thought was really funny and an entertaining way to play w/ the whole face-hiding-situation!! im annoyed that it was retconned...and for what? fanservice? no thank you. stop serving me!!!)

honestly i do not want to know what kakashis face looks like and i refuse to accept any depiction as canon! i think we should just never have found out what his face looks like. this knowledge does not enhance my experience of naruto whatsoever! i don't need to know! let me stay in my own lane! Kishimoto and Studio Pierrot, i do not want to see it, stop trying to show it to me!!!!

anyway. so i just refuse to draw any direct depiction of kakashi's face. closest ill go is drawing another character speculating abt his face, but kakashis face itself? not for my eyes thank u. i do not want to see it.

does this make sense? it's less about how kakashi as a character feels about his mask and more about how i as somebody who consumes naruto feel about kakashi's mask.

[tobeornottotc]

Hi! in which episode do you think we are going to have the 'you dont trust me' scene because that scene is going to change me!!!

Hi!!

Probably episode 8/9... from what I'm tracking, these two relationship is about to go through a rollercoaster for the next episodes till then. The you don't trust me is probably the moment the two finally actually truthfully bare their feelings and let themselves confront what they are and what they feel. Kinn feels irritated probably once again as shown from the trailer Porsche's relationship with Vegas (people need to realise this is more than just jealousy, Kinn has a lot of reasons for why Vegas is an issue and why he goes crazy uncontrollably and protective around Porsche hanging out with him) but yes that's driving him crazy, my guess is Kinn although he's deep for Porsche and recognises the feelings it will set him back, he'd lie to himself it's just lust and because Porsche is hot and their chemistry is electric, but he won't accept it as love, so I think Porsche will feel mishandled and played with just because of that lack of clarity.

 Porsche is the same as well, we've seen how from episode 3 since Kinn saved his life, he's trying so hard to be someone important to Kinn, whether it's a great amazing bodyguard, or now a romantic partner worthy of his attention and trust, having him show that he's special more than others, Porsche is already striving unknowingly to have Kinn see him that way, to have Kinn confide in him, right now Kinn is one of the safety nets that makes him feel serious again and want to do more to protect and take his role seriously. Kinn is the one eliciting those happy feelings despite whatever angst or situation they find themselves in, even when he's morally conflicted, or attacked somehow he still when alone with Kinn feels happy and safe with Kinn more than anyone, protected, warm and taken care of, something others didn't do to him before. So that frustration of not fully getting what he is to Kinn will be his reason for screaming at him that he's not colluding with anyone, he doesn't even want to work for Vegas, he wants to be with him, that you don't trust me is his anger at Kinn refusing to let him be that person special to his heart, someone he can let in, unlike the others. Kinn's fickleness and flightiness is a thing he's noticing, (doesn't fully get why it's there) but it's what is his obstacle it seems for why he refuses to also show his feelings, by protecting himself when unsure about where he stands, Porsche also will hide and push away those feelings but he probably was vulnerable (maybe hurt by Kinn's issues) when Kinn sees him with Vegas again, and will infuriate him to see Kinn once again see him as a mole, or suspicious or against him, will make him snap, and slap him and tell him he's an idiot for not seeing how much Porsche has shifted most of his goals and interests to making sure Kinn is safe. 

That's what I'm guessing. It's going to be intense, and scary for both of them but it's going to be them without other factors causing lack of inhibitions, this time they truly are stripped bare of emotions, angst and fear, and they both finally snap from wanting to ensure the other one stops hurting themselves and what they have and seek clarity too. I am verye excited about this scene not just for what i can guess will follow after it but because Kinn will have to face himself, and deal with the truth, hence the mirrors there too, they both will have to expose their true selves no more masks. It's one of my most looked forward to apart from the wilderness scene and probably if they keep it from the mock trailer (will you lie here with me for the night when Kinn is injured).

Thank you for the question anon :)

[kuroosweakness]

kiss kiss | sakusa kiyoomi <3 

this is the my favorite sakusa mini fic i’ve written yet :)) and my longest work! over 2000 words! 

“i don’t think i’ll ever understand the concept of kissing,” sakusa mumbles to komori as he leans down to tie his shoes. his shoes are already tied, but he needs to do something to hide his face for a couple of seconds. naturally, his curls fall to the sides of his face, just as he expected. 

komori quickly whirls around with a :) and a :0 face combined. “what was that??” he teases and crouches down to see his cousin’s hidden face. 

“i was just sayin’“ sakusa shrugs off. “it’s just people touching lips and sharing saliva. it’s disgusting. why people do it? i’ll never understand.” after dusting off his hands, sakusa gets up from the bench and stands up, having forgotten his tall height and head bumping right into a light. 

sakusa grimaces and rubs his head, trying his best to pretend it didn’t hurt at all. “stupid light,” he grumbles as he walks away. komori watches on, trying his best not to laugh while making a mental note to watch out for the low lights. 

~~~

“komori.” 

“hiya!” komori looks up at his cousin while continuing to stretch out his legs. 

“...have you ever kissed anyone?”

“...like, full on make-out?” komori quietly asks as he makes kissy hands to demonstrate. sakusa immediately frowns and crouches down. 

“stop making those weird gestures,” sakusa quietly scolds. “it’s embarrassing...” 

“what’s there to be embarrassed about?” komori softly chuckles while nervously scratching the back of his head. “why do you ask?” 

sakusa’s eyes divert away. “...just curious to know.” 

“well....” komori taps his chin in thought. “there’s this one friend i’ve kissed before. but it wasn’t anything too serious...”

sakusa looks at the ground below him, wondering if he should sit his whole butt down or keep crouching. he decides to keep asian-squating. “so how’d you initiate the kiss? like what did you do?” 

“...i think we’re supposed to be practicing receives right now,” komori sheepishly says while pointing at their teammates all practicing. the bump sounds and shoe creaks suddenly becomes audible to sakusa. 

“oh.” and with that, sakusa gets up and walks toward the pile of volleyballs. 

~~~

“remember the question i asked you last week?” sakusa breathes through his mask as he and komori jogs down the streets. he’s overly dressed for a jogger, especially in spring. everyone’s surprised he can move so freely in such a heavy jacket. 

“...what..... question?” komori asks, glancing at his cousin before looking back at the road in front of them. 

“you know what question.” 

“...i dont?” komori pants as he slows down his jogging pace. 

“the question....that....made you...do weird hand....gestures” 

“ohhhh the kissing question?” 

sakusa nods and moves to the side to avoid the kids walking toward them. 

“i’ve already told you....i’ve only kissed one person before. say, why’re you curious in my love life?” komori teasingly elbows sakusa as they come to a walking pace. 

sakusa annoyingly elbows him back. “is it so bad i want to know?” 

“it’s just not like you,” komori chuckles. at the sight of a bakery in front of them, his eyes immediately lightens up. “we should go there!!” 

sakusa’s eyes meet where komori’s pointing, then meets komori’s face, wondering if his cousin will share answers if he agrees. “okay. but back to my question about initiating the kiss.” 

“well, you’ll have to find someone you want to kiss first,” komori laughs. “and i don’t think you’ve found that person, judging from the way you always judge couples and bad breath.” 

“don’t be so quick to assume things,” sakusa grumbles under his mask. 

“anywaysss, you kinda have to know that the other person wants to kiss you too, ya’know?” 

“i don’t know,” sakusa dryly says, stating out the obvious. 

“yeah, tell me something i didn’t know,” komori replies and opens the bakery front door. waves of freshly baked bread fill their noses. komori dramatically inhales and exhales. sakusa lowers his mask. a little “ding” rings as the door opens and closes. 

“it’s so warm in here!” komori happily exclaims. “you sure you’re not gonna became toast yourself with that jacket on?” 

sakusa rolls his eyes. 

“back to the kissing topic,” komori starts. “consent is really important! you have to make sure they want to kiss you. and to know, just before kissing, you have to ask.” 

“lower your voice,” blushy-faced sakusa mumbles. “there’s people looking at us weirdly.” 

“not at me weirdly,” komori remarks. “just at you!” 

“i don’t know why i talk to you sometimes.” 

“i’ll pretend i didn’t hear that!” komori happily bounces over to the counter and tells the pretty cashier his order.  “kiyoomi, you want anything?” 

“no, not really.” 

“okay!” komori excitedly accepts his paper bag full of baked goods and eagerly munches into a chocolate croissant. “i was thinking that maybe we can stop and eat for a while” 

komori eating = less judgmental komori. who is he kidding, sakusa knows he himself is the most judgmental person he knows. “okay” 

as sakusa pulls out a seat facing away from the door, a little “ding” rings through the bakery. 

“oh look!” komori munches. “it’s y/n! hi y/n!”

sakusa’s stomach drops. his hands have never felt so clammy and cold before. maybe if he stays completely still, then you won’t notice him. 

“hi y/n!” komori calls again. 

“we’re going home. stop- stop stop stop we’re going home. i need to go home,” sakusa hastily mutters under his breath and gets up so fast, suddenly wishing his mask can cover his whole face. since you’re standing at the doorway, he waits until you walk inside to walk out. 

komori quickly gathers his stuff and says a quick apology to you. “sorry about him! well, we’ll catch ya later!” 

confused, yet unfazed, you give him a little smile and waves back. 

~~~

“so how was it?” 

“...not good,” sakusa’s face and curls fall into his hands. he groans and falls back on the his bed. “anyways, i need to study-” 

“no no no, i need to know!” komori insists. “most people’s first kiss isn’t that great so...you’re not the only one.” 

“how am i even supposed to see them again,” sakusa groans again and squirms around on the bedsheets. “it was so bad. so bad. so so bad. so so sooooo bad-” 

“do you have thoughts about kissing them again??” 

“yes,” he mumbles and swiftly grabs the nearest pillow and hugs it to his chest,  hiding his face in the process. “all the damn time.” 

“then it didn’t go as bad as i thought!” komori exclaims. 

~~~

“so you’re not gonna tell me how it went?” 

“why’re you so nosy???” sakusa scrunches up his nose. 

“you were the one who asked about my first kiss first,” komori defends, pulling back in playful offense. 

“like i said, it wasn’t good.” 

“how was it not good?” 

“the kissing tutorial videos didn’t work.” 

“....you watched kissing tutorials????!!” 

“komori motoya, if you don’t be quiet i swear-” 

“did they at least want to kiss you?” 

“...i don’t even know if we’re...together. this is so embarrassing. i was too impatient. i shouldn’t have. i rushed things. they didn’t even tell me they like me. what if they just went along with it and didn’t actually want-”

“i think you’re overthinking too much...” 

“can we just walk to school in silence?” 

“after you tell me first! i can give advice!” 

“i nearly missed their lips. and i froze up when we actually made contact. i was stiff. i couldn’t move. plus my mask shifted upward and completely interrupted us, which i’m kinda thankful for.”

komori stifles a laugh. “so...what’re you gonna do for your second one?” 

~~~

“i saw them with his stupid, ugly guy who if you put his teeth next to a beaver’s, no one would be able to tell the difference.” 

“....we all know you’re not the nicest person, but isn’t that a little mean..and a bit of an exaggeration?” komori chuckles and shifts his foot inside his volleyball shoes. 

“they have poor, poor taste in men.” 

“well...they did kiss you once...” 

“i don’t know anymore,” sakusa sighs. “i need to just focus on volleyball.” 

~~~

“i hate it here. absolutely hate. it. here.” with a grumble he tosses his clothes on his backpack and pads across the gym to get his water bottle. 

komori side-eyes his cousin. whether or not to ask what he’s talking about, even though he knows exactly what–no, who–he’s talking about. 

“is this volleyball related?” komori asks when sakusa walks back. 

... 

“you’ve never given up anything you’ve set your heart on,” komori kindly reminds him. “so why’re you giving up now?” 

“because all the things i’ve done, i was in completely control of” sakusa swings his backpack over his shoulder. “i can’t control other people’s feelings....nor do i want to.” 

“did something bad happen?” komori dashes to catch with his cousin, and the tea. 

“guess who i saw them with again? beaver guy.” 

“i heard they’re just classmates though,” komori gently reminds sakusa, hoping it’ll somewhat clear his senses. he jogs toward a mini puddle and jumps right into it. sakusa grimaces at the water splashes. 

“it doesn’t matter. i don’t care about them anymore. they can have beaver guy so they want. i’m one of the best volleyball players in the country, and i’m ...somewhat good looking, and i’m tall...their loss.” 

komori searches for more puddles. 

“is it because of my personality?” sakusa quietly says. when he sees his cousins jumping into more puddles, he rolls his eyes. “komori, i’m being serious here” 

“when are you not?” komori calls back. he jogs back to sakusa and says, “what makes you think it’s your personality?” 

“well....let’s not talk about it.” 

“...” komori glares at him. 

“well....they’re all smiles around other people and like :/ around me. and y’know, my cleanliness. not that i would change for anyone, but i’m just sayin’” 

“if they really liked you then, you wouldn’t want you to change. although, you can be nicer sometimes....just a little” komori cheekily says. 

“...you’re right,” sakusa sighs. 

~~~

“update: beaver guy’s no longer in their life. he tried to make a move on them and they didn’t like it so they cut him out of their life.” 

“wait whaaat? it’s been days since you last talked about y/n. what-” 

“can you not say their name so loud???” 

“so beaver guy pulled a move on them?” 

“yes. and they cut him off because he took advantage of their niceness.” 

“...” 

“so technically what happened to beaver guy also happened to me.” 

komori shakes his head. “y/n hasn’t cut you out of their life....they still talk to you sometimes! and even asked if you wanted to walk home, which you-” 

he points an accusing finger at sakusa. “which you said no to >:(” 

“don’t point, it’s rude.” sakusa looks away. 

“what’d you say no???” 

“i didn’t want to appear desperate.” 

~~~

“so...how long are you gonna stare at the ceiling? we’re supposed to be doing measurements right now.” 

“oh sorry,” sakusa slightly bows down and quietly adds, “i walked them home yesterday.” 

komori loudly gasps, which he apologizes for when everyone turns to look at him. “whaaat,” he whispers. “what happened?” 

“i walked them home and then walked myself home, that’s what happened.” 

“you’ve gotta be kidding me. give the details!”

“there’s nothing too important that happened. other than my confession.” 

._. “and you’re saying nothing important happened??” 

“turns out they like...me...too” sakusa stutters. his ears are bright red. “i feel like i’m gonna throw up.” sakusa’s hands presses against his stomach.

“the good kinda throw up?” 

“there’s no such thing as a ‘good throw up’“ sakusa barks back. 

~~~

“y/n looked really happy and cheerful today and so do you...which i thought i’d never see...” 

normally, sakusa would jab his cousin if he heard that, but today, he chooses to ignore it. 

“so what’s going on??” 

“nothing much. just some kissing,” sakusa says. his whole face is glowing. 

“remember when you said kissing was gross?” 

“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” sakusa brushes off. “and you better not tell y/n i think they’re gross when i clearly don’t >:(” 

~~~ 

“hand-holding huhhhh?” 

“their hands were cold, that’s why.” 

“why am i so invested in your relationship,” komori softly chuckles to himself. “y’all are cute.” 

“it does feel nice to have someone to talk to about these things,” sakusa quietly says. komori pulls back in surprise. 

“well, i’ll always be here for ya! but don’t you dare try rubbing your relationship in my face.” 

“i’d never. i know what it’s like to be single.” 

“???? that’s the most non-sympathetic thing i’ve ever heard! obviously, everyone knows what it feels like to be single” komori rolls his eyes. 

~~~

“people are saying y/n’s dating me for my money.” 

“ignore them >:(” 

“people keep saying that y/n probably get no action and that i don’t even touch them.” 

“like i said, ignore those stupid people” 

“i wish it can be that easy,” sakusa sighs. 

~~~

“i’ve lost track of how many times i’ve kissed them.” 

komori jokingly pulls back in disgust. “no one keeps track, dummy.” 

“i’d say about 43 times” 

~~~

and now sakusa kisses you like he’s a starved man who hasn’t eaten in days 😐 basically, engulfing you. long, passionate kisses that gets your heart pounding every time. 

and that’s it for now :)) tell me what you think! <3

[helisol]

answering the people’s prayers

quark is my poor little meow meow and here is why

me and a friend of mine came to the conclusion that the writers of ds9 accidentally put a seven seasons long tragic character arc into their show without realising and I need to share our findings with you. 

*full disclosure the writers for sure didn’t know what they were making but the result is still the same. tragedy.

now you may ask, is calling quark a tragic figure of epic proportions hyperbole? maybe! but also it really isn’t for two reasons:

first is that quark can’t win. throughout the entirety of ds9 he’s in a situation where he just constantly draws the short straw and loses things (and people) and he can’t make it better. those moments in the show probably don’t make the average viewer sad, like in a tragedy, but I’m hoping to unlock some elusive shrimp-color emotions in you with this rant.

anyway second there’s the fact that quark is,,, alone. not in the physical sense. mans literally runs a bar and has tons of friends Co-Inhabitants Of Deep Space Nine I mean nobody understands who and what he is with one notable exception and he can’t tell anyone either because that would defeat the purpose. what purpose is that? well it's complicated but let’s start with that.

in my quodo rant- which you dont have to read but like it might give you more insight on my personal brand of brainrot- I made the same observation that most people make when they look at quark which is “there’s something wrong with this rat bastard”

now many people say that and they mean “this small orange man is a douche and I don’t like him” and like okay you’re not looking at the big picture though

when I say “there’s something wrong with him” I mean this dude is literally repressing his personality and nature so hard that he’s turned it into a performance. into some weird art form. masking so much he made it impossible for anyone to really know his true self. he’s trying to be an ideal version of himself that does not and can not exist.

to quote myself- his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi” quark is that, a people-person and he loves his friends but he pretends that he is Not any of those things because it's not what a ferengi should be.

and think about it. who needs to conform but the people who are not the thing they’re trying to conform to? who has to try really hard to be something except for people who are not that thing? quark is not a good ferengi but he feels the need to try so very hard to be one. 

he tries to conform to every little ideal and rule of acquisition that he grew up with even though 9 out of 10 times he fails. and still he tries to be the ferengi he is not. for what?

it’s a piss poor attempt of trying to hide who he is. he’s a ferengi who doesn’t know how-to-ferengi, but unlike the rest of his family, he hates that about himself.

his mother, brother and nephew all take a certain kind of pride in being #NotLikeOtherFerengi because they’ve found acceptance and love and support. ever notice how quark has pretty much none of those things?

rom has his engineering, a brilliant son, his mother’s love and a wife who adores him- and he ends up becoming the grand fuckin nagus!

what does quark have? well he doesn’t get his mother’s full support, his brother and the general public regard him as a ’loveable asshole’ at best, and even his actual friends don’t really think twice when talking shit about him.

quark, fundamentally, is the same as his family. he does not and can not be a good ferengi because it’s not in his nature. they’re simply built different. but unlike his family he wasn’t born with the understanding that that’s okay. 

he doesn’t think it’s okay to be different because when deviancy comes to light bad things happen to him. it started from when he got made fun of because of his mothers liberal attitude and it continued when rom got ripped off in the marriage contract situation because he fell in love (which Normal Ferengi don’t do) and brought further ridicule over their family.

even though it’s not necessarily true as demonstrated by his family’s success story quark believes that deviancy gets punished, not rewarded.

that’s the first tragic thing- he IS a deviant. he DOES care about his family and his friends and he wants to be loved and to have something to be proud of. profit is secondary to him. he just can’t admit it, ever.

it’s not that hard to piece together that quark genuinely doesn’t like himself. Ferengi Love Songs really highlights that with him becoming depressed after a big part of what helped him keep up appearances as ‘a good ferengi’, his commerce license, is taken away from him. 

everything he does in that episode is in service of a) getting that commerce license back and more importantly b) BEING COMFORTED. his life sucks at the moment! he would really like some support! 

he wants someone to hold his face and say “you know, it’s okay that your license is gone. you don’t need it.” because maybe if someone did that he could drop the act and stop trying so hard to be a good ferengi.

but what does he get? what does he have at the end of the episode? a minor conflict with his mother was resolved, but he has to keep up his performance. the charade never ends for him!

he can’t admit to anyone that he’s aware he’s different. he’s waiting for them to figure him out. and nobody ever does. because nobody cares for quark enough to really see him and go “I know what you’re doing, you can stop now”

...

except! for! odo!

this is not quodo rant 2.0 so I’m gonna keep this brief but odo does understand him. the problem is just that odo ALSO can’t admit that he’s not what he makes himself out to be. 

he sees what quark is doing but instead of saying “you can stop pretending now. we can both stop.” he uses quark as a way to keep up his own act.

in my mind there’s no talking about Quark without Odo since they’re both doing this performance of ideal selves together, but I’ll get back to that later.

so we can all agree that quark is in a very bad situation when it comes to how he feels about himself and the world around him. my friend described it as a reverse-corruption arc (or a straight up corruption arc from the ferengi perspective) in which quark, over the years, becomes more and more influenced by the hoo-mans. 

in and of itself this is a great arc, since he’s turning into a more moral person and it makes him an interesting character but what people may not consider is that it is AGONISING TO HIM.

he HATES his own character arc and he is being dragged through it kicking and screaming internally. quark literally says so in Ferengi Love Songs. I hear his delivery of “I’ve fought against it, I really have.” and I go ape shitt because that’s really just it huh. quark is fighting every step of the way to not show his real natural self to the world out of fear of getting hurt.

and the real tragedy is that nobody on the station notices or understands why he’s struggling so hard. except for one guy who is also his fucked up ‘partner in the struggle to hide ourselves’ and who he can’t talk to about his feelings because if he did it would be admitting that they’re friends and not just a cop and a criminal.

his family just says “well, why are you struggling, we’re also not good ferengi and we’re Fine” and his friends say “well, it would be good, actually, if you stopped acting like a ferengi”

and he is all. alone. with this struggle.

that’s tragedy baby.

but what is also tragedy is how this plays out in the actual show.

most of what I’ve said is like. subtext mixed with some visions I got from an angry god. but let’s discuss the fact that if you accept quark’s internal struggle as tragic his whole story becomes a tragedy.

I mentioned at the start that ‘Quark can’t win’- what that means is just that, like in any good tragedy, no matter what actions quark takes he ends up having to deal with negative consequences.

Jadzia, the only person who openly declared herself as his friend ignoring the weird romantic shit because fuck that and Odo who I WILL straight up call his love interest because we all hate rick berman here both just leave in some abstract sense.

jadzia ‘coming back’ as ezri means she’s not entirely dead, but she isn’t really as interested in him now. that hurts. their whole relationship is different and he couldn’t prevent it.

and with odo he did try to prevent it, I think. see my quodo rant where I go on about this in more detail but in the ds9 finale quark essentially goes “if you’re going to leave me, you better give me a real goodbye” in the hopes that maybe odo would either give him closure or just not go. but he does. he loses odo as well.

quark, the guy who said "I've made a career out of knowing when to leave" in the FIRST EPISODE watches as the most important people in his life just go away.

he’s been on ds9 for well over 20 years and he will stay for forever while everyone around him leaves.

am I the only one who thinks about this and just wants to punch a hole in the wall to feel manly again? like HELLO???

and this isn’t even mentioning all the shit he has to cope with in terms of material loss. you may think that losing people would be more important but remember this man has a masters degree in Pretending To Be A Ferengi because it's the only thing that he can hide behind.

quark spent his whole life acting like the perfect ferengi to fit into a society that would reject his true nature.

the fact that he has to try so hard still makes the society reject and punish him and it makes him miserable.

and if that wasn’t enough. when all the wars and all the great losses are over. the society starts to change because it’s now run by his brother.

everything quark used to define himself and tried to be a part of just starts to vanish in front of his eyes and he has to realise that, in the end, he denied himself all these years for NO REASON.

in the future, nobody will care if he fits the old ferengi ideals. in the future, the perfect ferengi is going to be the opposite of what quark pretended to be all this time. 

he can’t fucking win. no matter what he does fate or the universe or the wormhole aliens or his own mother will change the status quo to make quark unable to fit in.

do you see? do you see why he’s my poor little meow meow? it’s because this is a sad little man and whenever he tries to do what he thinks is right the world says ‘no actually we’ll be taking something you use to comfort yourself with you sad little man’

and the worst offender. I swear I’m not gonna talk about quodo for too long. is what the writers did with odo and him.

the writers probably did not think of quark as a tragic figure the way I do. how do I know? 

if the writers were aware that they were creating a tragic figure with an amazingly rich character arc and an insanely complex internal struggle… they would not have made it Quark. they would have used a generically hot alien. because honestly people who don’t have brainworm are not gonna appreciate this shit if the character they’re looking at is an orange capitalist gremlin with giant ears. I don’t blame them. but it is what it is.

so the writers wrote this incredibly cool thing on accident and also stuck the landing. 

because odo leaving… fucking hurts. 

even if you don’t view them as romantic which is fair you Have to see that quark and odos relationship is special. they’ve been doing this dance for decades at this point, and at the very end odo turns away from quark without a word.

in the moment where quark opens himself up just enough to allow odo to do the same he goes “welp, I’ll be on the runabout, see you never again” and like Yeah obviously it's because odo is still a repressed nerd who can't talk about his feelings but that doesn’t change the fact that this is perhaps the worst thing that could happen to quark.

like, it’s the first and only and last time he does it. even in The Ascent they don’t actually verbally confront the fact that their relationship is far more friendship-like than it is antagonistic. and in the finale there’s this opportunity where he takes action and goes after odo his best friend his enemy because he wants to have something before he too goes away forever-

and the writers said “but it doesn’t happen. he doesn’t get to have it.”

in summary I am rattling the bars of my cage. quark is so hot.

[princeanxious]

:) so. No one ordered it, but, I have an Logan Angst(w/ hurt/comfort to balance it out a little) au idea to deliver!

So you know those AU fics w/ Virgil where he hides smth unusual abt himself( Like wings, Spider limbs, Being unusually tall, ect.) Bc he’s afraid of what the others will think/do if they find out?

Take that and apply it to Logan, But he’s actually been hiding it ever since (AU)!Thomas became Obsessed with Marine Biology as a kid!(i genuinely cant remember what Thomas's real life degree was gonna be b4 he switched to YouTube but for the au's sake im going with marine biologist)

What’s he hiding, you ask? Fish scales, of course!

(Continued under the cut)

Logan used to wear long sleeves all the time, and Sherlock bit with the scarf was a cover up for when he used to wear it constantly when they were younger, not that Virgil(who has spider traits in this but never thought to hide them b4 he was accepted, and by that point there was no reason to) nor any of the other dark sides with animal traits knew about it either, but his body, especially his legs and hips, were covered in shimmery sapphire blue scales, and in patches around the gills on his neck and ribs.

Why doesn't Logan wear long sleeves now? Because the scales suddenly stopped reappearing (coincidentally right around the time Thomas gave up on marine biology to do youtube) on his arms the few times they'd accidentally been pulled off some how, be it bumps/scrapes or eventually Logan getting fed up w/ the illogicalness of it all and 'removing' the rest on his arms so that he could finally wear short sleeves and not raise more questions about his health.

The scales around the gills on his neck are more tragic, as they do regrow still, to keep his gills safe. He plucks them as close to the gills as possible, before wearing masking makeup & a high collar with a tie to ensure his gills never peak out from his shirt.

It limits his normal comfortable way of breathing, but hes been doing it so long that he doesnt remember what it feels like, and thus isn't bothered by it anymore, as his gills dont open up fully anymore unless submerged under water for a long period of time.

Why is he so insistant about thomas drinking the healthy recommended amount of water? Because if Logan didn’t, he'd suffer migraines and get sick from being dehydrated in easily less than half the time it'd take for Thomas or any of the others to reach

Why doesnt he ever go swimming with the others? Because if he did, there's no gaurantee his body would let him leave the water after refusing to so much as even soak in a bathtub for years at this point

Hell, his body might even go into shock at that point.

No idea how his reveal would go, but the idea of the others spraying him with water spray bottles when he is over-dry and resultingly irritable has been brought up as an additional idea by @this-is-ske(my lovely frien who lets me info dumb abt all my aus so we can shout abt them together) and my only thought is that Logan is spiteful and petty enough to snatch a spray bottle and spray them right back.

He often needs to spray himself with water, even if he’d had a shower not two hours ago, because his scales dry out very quickly and its sensory hell in combination with even the softest of dress pants.

But the years of neglect slowly turned his shimmery sapphire blue scales into dulled greyblue, as a result from being dried out and flakey and unhealthy for so long.

He tries not to think about it too hard when he's forced to look at them.

Remus wouldn’t hesitate to toss post-reveal(and post-recovery)! Logan full out into a fucking pool, or just hop into one and drag him in with. "Dry Fishies are irritated fishies, be like me! Get wet and feel better!" *Cue Remus eye brow waggle that reflects to the rest of his tentacle arms*

No but srsly remus and janus finding iut and going "oh HELL no" bc janus knows what its like to not take care of your scales properly and Remus knows what its like to dry out.

Imagine the additional angst when Janus finds out not only about the scales but the gills on his ribs and neck too, and feels SUPREMELY guilty bc of the crook yank he did

"Its fine, its not like I could breath out of them anymore, they just bruised a bit longer" *even more concerned and upset Janus noises*

"What do you mean you cant breath out of them anymore!"

" ..One day they just wouldn't open? Sort of like the equivalent of a stuffed nose, except that they never reopened because they'd fully dried out, I think."

"I swear to god Logan I wish I could strangle you," *cue Janus wapping Logan w/ a rolled up paper, Edna Mode style, lecturing* "One day! You'll understand! Self care! Is good! For you!"

Cue them finally bullying Logan into taking care of them but no longer hiding the scales as the ones on his arms start coming back, but still greyblue, bc at this point Logan doesnt even want to deal with the immediate headache of them learning right off the bat that they Shouldnt Look Like That. He doesnt even really believe that they'll ever change back to their once brilliant blue, thinking it just a fluke with their age or something.

It takes months.

And then one day he wakes up, having been sleeping in the imagination with Remus, having indulged in underwater sleeping as a healing therapy, made better only by the fact that Remus is a rly good cuddler, and his tentacles keep them both locked together in the water, *and* one anchors them so they don't drift away in their sleep.

Remus is staring at him, his chest to be exact, where new patches of scales had been growing to meet in the middle around the gills on his ribs. He looks down and notices theres an uneven patch of brilliant blue peaking out from the sea of comparably grey scales. Then he notes that multiple patches of scales are slowly regaining their hue. It doesn't take long for the others to put two and two together about sick fish with dull scales. It confirms Logan had been sick for Years, and was only Just healing to a beginning state of equilibrium.

For some comfort w/ all this angst, when Logan does see his blue scales for the first time? He smiles, he smiles so wide at Remus. Remus probably falls in love with the way Logan's gills flare out prettily in time with Logan's smile. Logans finally convinced to take care of himself, and the first glimpse of progress has him Beaming for Days.