#acting as if i dont have to get up at 6am for graduation hello

[looking-beyond-hate]

please read and comment or message me. greatly appreciate opinions!!!

The Eyes of a Self Conscious Introvert

  I'm not going to lie, i had to look up in the dictionary for the words; 'Self-Conscious' and 'Introvert' just to make sure i had the correct terms. im not the most sure person when pouring out my thoughts on paper. i tend to keep most of the words i want to say in a safe upstairs with the key right out of arms reach because i dont want to make a mistake in conversation with anyone. i often stutter on most things i say when i give any second of thought of what to say. my life is tough in this aspect.

 i suppose it all started when i started middle school. my school district in particular grouped together 4 elementary schools into the middle school. not sure if thats how most school districts do it but mine did, anyhow, i learned quickly what 'cliches' were. you couldnt just go up to anyone and befriend them simply by saying hello. i dont wanna sound like it happened immediately, but i felt like i had been kicked to the bottom of the totem poll. which hit me hard as a 13 year old or how ever old i was starting out in the 6th grade. i wasnt weird in elementary school, i had a normal friend base. the only thing i can think of that possibly made us out of place is we all loved the WWE, we had action figures and we would bring them into school and play with them whenever we had the chance. it wasnt a bid deal. but going back to the start of middle school, so many new faces and you didnt know how they were going to act when you said something to them. eventually i started to get picked on in any good nature kid fun. im not bothered by it now and by that i mean, i dont blame my insecurities on that. if anything i believe it taught me how to grow up and grow from it. sure i was bothered by it then but thats besides the point. my most vivid memory of middle school though was feeling bigger than the other kids. i wore a sweater everyday of 7th grade because i felt chubby and i didnt want people using that as an excuse to pick fun at me. if i have carried anything from middle school, it was my body image. which as i type this is complete nonsense because i weigh 140lbs and i goto the gym just about everyday. even back then i wasnt classified as obese or even 'big'. i just wasnt as skinny as the other kids and i always wanted to be.

 in the 8th grade, i stopped wearing sweaters all the time and i felt great. i had my own pride and it was growing, then high school hit and i started back from step 1. it took me until my junior year to reclaim my own personal pride again. i started befriending just about everyone i cared about trying to be friends with and it was great. but even then, i was still shy and kept certain things to myself. i was never 100% open to anyone and then the worst thing happened to me that year. i lost my mother to stage 4 lung cancer, that was the toughest thing i ever had to deal with. in some sort of way though, losing her made me just stop caring, about anything. my grades dropped dramatically, i didnt care what anyone thought about me. basically the end of junior year i didnt care about anything, i was just going to do me and that was it.

 next thing i know is my senior year started and i actually tried in all my classes and i did so much better than i had ever done in any class in prior years. everything was going so right. i was friends with a lot of people and i was open. some might read the word 'open' like any other word but i felt so free to say anything and do anything. i was literally free from my head, my conscious or that little voice in your head that says no. he wasnt there, it was a great feeling. the ability to walk through those hallways with your head up and not a care in the world, i cant explain it enough. eventually though, i had graduated high school and back again it was to step 1. back to being quiet and monitoring everything that would come out of my mouth. i went the summer without a job and just hanging out with friends and it was great, didnt see anyone i didnt know and i didnt have to really care what came out of my mouth but then i started a job at the local Target and i went back to being shy and really careful of what i was saying. i didnt want anyone on my bad side simply because i dont know these people. i dont know how they are going to act if i said something a little out of place. so i kept to myself until i felt comfortable , eventually i did and i came out of my shell and i was friends with just about everyone at that establishment. 

 i believe my problem is i never feel comfortable around people i dont know. i can never be myself and that limits me beyond belief. back to the flashback though, before a year even hit, i quit that job because the work was bullshit for the pay i was receiving. i went a whole year plus before scoring a job with a state university as a summer painter. let me just tell you, the disgusting dorms we had to paint was horrific for only $12/hr. these college kids need their mothers to rub their face in the trash a few times because it was the nastiest, hottest, sweatiest, summer i had ever had. but at the end of the day, " a job is a job" i was saying to myself. that being said, it was a whole new experience with a whole new group of people i wasnt comfortable around. back to step 1 it seems is the story here. i worked there as a temp painter for just under 2 years, and even after all of that time, i never opened up. kept to myself and just listed to my music on my phone for the most part. eventually a decision came to where i either needed to be let go or get switched to the kitchen appliance shop due to funding issues. so i went to the new shop and a whole new experience with a new set of people and i was quiet for a good year before i started opening up. i still work in that same shop and i still monitor everything that comes out of my mouth because im terrified i might sound stupid. there were times i had, and those times still haunt me not to do so again. its really tough trying to be open and not sound like an idiot.

 this issue is terrible for trying to meet new people, for example like at the bar. i go with friends and we have a good time but every time usually i see a incredible girl there and i have absolute no confidence to go and talk to her because my issue gets worse with a few drinks in me. i really start to overthink everything i might say and that is when the stuttering starts. oh boy is the stuttering bad when i start to think of things to say. i can start but it starts to sound like a b-b-beat to a song trying to get the word out. so now i dont even try. it makes sure my relationship stays single for sure. i get so mad at it because of instead of having a potential great conversation, i never take the chance. i see my one friend can talk to 10 girls a night and he always gets a number to continue it later and im just sitting there like "wow this is a pretty average drink for $8", while a twiddle my thumbs waiting to leave because i just dont feel like i fit in. parties were never for me either, at parties i literally just hang out near my friends and follow them around. sure i had fun at times but it was the same outcome every time, "i dont feel like i belong", "when is it 6am so i can head home?". 

 being the way i am, is avoiding answering phone calls from numbers i dont know because i dont know who it is and i dont have anything planned to say, not applying to better job positions because i cant sit through a interview because i dont want to sound like an idiot knowing they are judging me on everything i say. i mean i dont even answer certain Facebook messages from people I KNOW simply because i havent talked to them in while and i cant figure out why the hell they would message me in the first place. I HATE MYSELF. but until i can figure out how to act in public with people i dont know, i will keep calm, quiet, insecure, and carry on.