#actually makes me fucking sick to my stomach that that's where my money is fucking going.

[medicinemane]

Mike johnson has so god damn much blood on his hands, obviously Ukrainian blood, but also plenty of American blood

Refusing to renew something that helps vets exposed to atomic blast and Americans who were downwind of the fall out... it's just sick. I can't fucking stand mike johnson, he's one of the worst scum to ever be in congress, and that's fucking saying something

"Johnson refused to allow House members to vote on bipartisan legislation to renew and improve the program"

Fucking quivering little pimple seems to have a real MO for just wringing his hands while insisting it's not his fault, he just can't do the one fucking part of his job of putting shit up to a vote... oh boo hoo, so sad, he'll just have to unilaterally let funding expire on things instead of literally just putting it up to our elected representatives to see if they want to vote yay or nay

Single handedly make the choices but it's not his fault when they work out how they do

Murderer

[nr1chaedickrider]

Shift.

Your friends have stupid ideas - you are easy to convince.

The floor is full of glass bottles, alcohol to be precise.

An almost empty champagne bottle, several beer cans, the cheap vodka that is completely empty.

You all sit on the living room floor and talk about the stupidest things.

"So you're saying... that you believe in, what's it called again... shifting??" Momo asks Chaeyoung, and everyone starts laughing.

"Hey, but listen to me for once. Actually, it makes perfect sense!!!" she replies, and the others, including you, start laughing.

"How much did you drink?" you ask her as you finish the last sip of your beer.

"Y/n! It makes sense, my goodness... You can think for yourself that your head is so fucked up that you can think about something like that!!! That it feels so real!!! Of course it's a bit witchy... but still!" Chaeyoung tries to explain, but is not taken as seriously by the others as she had hoped.

"But honestly..." Mina starts to say, and everyone looks to her to listen.

"I've read something about it too, it's actually quite interesting"

"It's worth a try, isn't it?" Mina asks, looking at you.

You ask yourself when it was decided that you should try it, but the alcohol motivates you in some way.

"Okay," you reply.

-

It feels like your left hand is floating, your right hand twitches every now and then, and you suddenly feel dizzy.

Your eyes are closed and you are lying alone in bed.

Maybe it's silly, childish, and more, but somehow you find it more interesting than you thought.

Before you fall asleep, you suddenly see a white light.

It feels as if your body is moving towards it.

Your arm reaches out, tries to grab it - and suddenly you see black.

Preview

Nayeon - wishing on you

Nayeon is drunk again, it makes you question if she has a reason to not be sober anymore.

"I wish you were a boy" one of you says.

"Just why...?"

"It's time for you to go home"

Jeongyeon - drops of blood

Jeongyeon can already hear the news.

"Young girl died in a mysterious, paranormal way."

"Do vampires really exist?!"

"Don't be scared of me, please."

Momo - fight or flight

"You dont love me anymore!"

"I really do.. god just please-"

"I don't want to lose you."

"I want to keep fighting for you"

Sana - importance

"But, I love you.."

"Y/n.."

"I can't."

"Pack your things and leave."

Jihyo - as cold as ice

"She hates to admit the fact that she admires you in a way that makes her sick in her stomach."

"When I see you dance, I wish I could look away."

"Why do you hate me?"

Mina - gun pointed at my heart

"Would you really do anything for money?"

"Please.. don't."

"I thought you loved me"

"Was it all just fake?"

Dahyun - secret

"Congrats on winning"

"Couldn't have done it without you"

"They are coming, go away"

Chaeyoung- red string of hope

"Where were you all my life?"

"I searched for you"

Tzuyu - stupid feelings

"What are you doing here?"

"Stop crying."

"Dont leave me like this."

[dreamscapesofimagination]

Let Me Give You My Life

A/N: I'm so proud of this tbh pls love it. Posts may slow down (more lol). I’m studying for the GRE, and how well I do determines if I can get into the masters program I want to do, which then determines getting into medical school. I love the support I’ve been getting- likes, reblogs (seeing yalls tags on the reblogs makes me smile like a fool!) yall are the best!

Warnings: Cursing, Angst? Mams is insecure and possessive af but man does he ADORE you, confessions- Asmo and Lucifer are sick of y'all.

Summary: Diavolo throws a ball to celebrate some event that Mammon honestly couldn’t remember- especially not when he saw you.

—-----------

This was annoying.

Mammon had had plans tonight- a job. Sure, it was some low-budget modeling shoot for what were some hideous clothes, but still. It was going to pay well (way better than the clothes were worth, but thats because they wanted the Mammon- not some random, low-life demon)

And yet, here he was at this lame-ass ball Diavolo was throwing- commemorating some sort of success that Mammon frankly didn’t care about. Lucifer had made the attendance of the Student Council mandatory- threatening to hog-tie anyone who didn’t attend and leave them for Cerberus to toy with.

Mammon suppressed a shiver at the memory of the last time he had been subjected to that punishment. It had taken four showers and a bath to get all of the damned drool off of him- and he had needed to completely throw out his clothes.

Bastard. He glared at the back of Lucifer’s head, the elder across the room, deep in conversation with Barbatos.

Attendance was mandatory.

So where the hell was Asmo- and more importantly where the hell were you?

An ugly feeling reared its head in his chest as he thought of you sneaking around with his younger brother. Why would you be with Asmo, and not the Great Mammon?

“You know, glaring at him isn’t going to make his head explode,” Satan’s dry voice sounded from next to him, and Mammon shot a glance at the blonde demon.

“Maybe he’ll get the hint that making this mandatory was stupid. Does he not understand that some of us have better things to do?” Mammon griped.

Satan scoffed, “Sure, better to hustle money for debts you have no intention of paying back.”

Mammon’s frown deepened at his brother’s words. It never hurt less to hear how little his brothers thought of him- as if somehow his sin being greed made him lower than them. As if Asmo wouldn’t fuck anything that breathed near him, as if Beel hadn’t wreaked havoc due to his damn stomach, and as if Lucifer hadn’t damn near killed you due to his pride. Yet Mammon was somehow beneath them because he liked money and things? Bullshit.

He opened his mouth to shoot back a scathing retort about how actually he was going to use the money from the shoot to buy you the necklace that he had seen you eyeing at the jewelry store everytime he dragged you past it- but the gasps around the room pulled his attention to the staircase, and his jaw dropped.

Oh, you looked expensive. A shimmering gold dress clung to your form in all the right places (though you didn’t have any wrong places, a fact that Mammon would never say out loud).

Your thick thigh flashed from the dangerously high slit with every step down the staircase. He was faintly aware of Asmo behind you, but he knew that the attention of the room was on you, and not the demon of Lust.

That ugly feeling reared its head again when he saw Lucifer approach you, pressing a kiss to the back of your hand- no doubt with a stupid smirk on his face.

Mammon recognized the feeling, and it was much more in line with Levi’s sin than his own.

You shone more than the piles of Grimm in the bank vaults- and Mammon wanted nothing more than to steal you away and horde you to himself, like a dragon in the fantasy books you would ramble to him about. The dragons were the biggest thing he remembered, too lost in the sound of your voice to really process anything else. Besides, you said that his horns and wings reminded you of the dragons- something you had said with such a sweet voice that it was all he could do to not swoop in and kiss you.

And yet Lucifer was taking you to the dance floor, one hand wrapped around your waist.

Satan said something, but the blood rushing in Mammon’s ears muffled the sound, and when he received no response, Satan rolled his eyes and left.

Mammon wanted to approach you, steal you away from that smug bastard. But he didn’t, unable to summon the courage. Because if he did, then you would question him. If you questioned him, he would say the wrong thing- or worse, confess and face rejection from the one person in all the realms who has never looked at him with disdain.

Instead, he watched from the sidelines, snatching a flute of some sort of champagne off a waiters tray, downing it in a gulp.

After the song ended, you smiled brightly at Lucifer- a smile that should have been directed at Mammon. He watched you leave the ballroom, going out to the balcony.

“You planning on making a move? If not I’ll go see if she needs any company- after all she does look stunning in the dress I picked out,” Mammon’s gaze snapped to Asmo, whom he fixed with a glare.

“You keep your damn paws off of her- she’s my human,” he snarled. Amusement sparkled in Asmo’s eyes, and the younger laughed, “You’re lucky she only has eyes for you.”

Now that made Mammon stutter.

“Whaddya talking about?” he demanded.

Feigning ignorance, Asmo said, “maybe you should just go talk to her and stop being a moron- honestly, I love romance but at this point it is nauseating to see you two dance around each other.” With that, Asmo flounced off to chatter to some lower demon.

Mammon hated to admit it, but Asmo had piqued his interest.

Almost without his knowledge, his legs took him across the room, and he entered the balcony, carefully shutting the door behind him.

And you stole his breath away again, bathed in the faint light spilling through the windows, looking up at the stars.

You looked over your shoulder, flashing him a heart-stopping smile, “Mams! I was wondering when you were gonna come see me. The party isn’t as fun if I’m not with you.”

His cheeks burned at your words.

“We-well, I didn’t want to interrupt your dance with Lucifer,” he all but spat the Avatar of Prides name.

You giggled, “what? Are you jealous?”

Mammon rapidly shook his head, jamming his hands into his pockets as you turned to face him, leaning back on the railing.

His eyes shamelessly flitted over your form, and he imagined himself tearing into your soft flesh, burrowing a home inside your flesh where neither of you would know where one ended and the other began.

You raised an eyebrow, “You sure? I mean, I’d rather have danced with the Great Mammon, but he was too busy glaring daggers at his brother to make a move.”

You pushed off the railing, carefully approaching Mammon, who felt himself freeze in place.

All he could do was watch you, heart hammering in his chest as you wrapped your arms around his neck- and damn your height because this provided Mammon a particularly entrancing view of the pendant nestled in your cleavage- the necklace he had wanted to buy you.

He dragged his eyes back to your face, seeing amusement in your sweet gaze.

“Lucifer said it was from you,” He watched your plump lips move.

He shook his head, mumbling, “Was gonna get it for you with the pay from the gig I had lined up.”

The fact that Lucifer had gotten to it before him caused a pit in his stomach- why would you choose Mammon if you could choose his responsible, reliable older brother?

“You’re so sweet, Mams. Thank you.”

His face burned- him? Sweet?

Your soft gaze was akin to a siren song, and it was all he could do to not fall into you.

Tilting your head, you spoke with a rosy blush on your round cheeks, “Mammon,” he would do anything to hear his name fall from your lips again, “I waited for you to say something, but I don’t want to wait any more. I want to be with you. I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel like you do. I just need to know if you feel the same. If you don’t we can just go back to being friends and I’ll never bring it up again-” you were cut off when he surged forward, lips slamming against yours as his hands settled on the swell of your hips, fingers digging into the soft flesh as he pulled you close. He swallowed down the noise of surprise that left you, relishing the feeling of you melting into him.

He didn’t know how to avoid saying the wrong thing- but he could act.

You were the sweetest thing he had ever tasted- and he would fall from Grace a million times over if this is where he ended up. You, pressed against him, hands tangling in his white hair as your lips melded together, his hands digging into your softness, melting together until you were one.

The two of you broke away, and Mammon was sure you were an angel when he took in your flushed cheeks, kiss-swollen lips, and dazed eyes.

He pressed his forehead to yours, chest heaving as he sucked in the air- air he would be happy to never breathe again if it meant he never had to stop kissing you.

“I’m yours- have been since you first showed up.” his words were whispered, hands coming up to cradle your face, falling into your lips again- greedy for more, more kisses, more closeness, more you.

He would trade all the Grimm in the Devildom to keep you close- if he was a dragon from your fairytales then you were the treasure he would horde.

[ilovewriting06]

Mischief and Angel- Part 4

A/N- Sorry for the delay in this part but my daughter decided to get sick (first time mom and she's only four months old so I was beyond worried) and then she gave it to me. She's fully recovered and back to demanding to be fed every twenty minutes (I swear to God her stomach is an endless pit!) and she's finally down for the night and I finally finished this.

-------------------------------------------------------

It's been a week since Stiles and I learned that he was officially a billionaire. No one other than us knows just how much Stiles has but every bill that the Stilinski's have acquired over the years has been paid off and we didn't even have to dip into the savings account. Claudia's life insurance was more than we anticipated, not surprised, she was extremely smart when it came to money. All the bills were paid off with the insurance money and we even had $50 left over.

However, right now we are having a normal night as highschoolers, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my Go-!"

"Stiles, calm down!"

He looks at me with wide eyes, "Calm down! Y/N, Coach is putting me in the game! I fucking suck. I'm going to fall on my face, hell, maybe I'll actually score and it'll be for the other team!"

I suppress a smile at his antics knowing that he really, truly is an anxious mess, "Stiles, you'll be okay, I promise."

He blinks as he sits down on the bench, "I'm the benchwarmer, why is he letting me play!"

The game starts in ten minutes and it feels like Stiles' anxiety is getting worse. I stand behind him and drape my arms across his padded shoulders, "How about this, you play this game, and you win, I'll give you a nice surprise when we get home."

He perks up slightly and tips his head back to look at me, "Are you trying to bribe me with sex?"

I smirk, "It depends, is it working?"

-------------------------------------------------

I tense up from where I'm sitting in between Mom and Noah as Stiles catches the ball, "Come on Stiles! Run!"

He glances at me before he spins on his heel and takes off down the field. I hold my breath as he sprints down the field and weaves between the other team before throwing the ball into the net and gaining BHHS a point. My jaw drops in amazement at the way he's moving before it clicks, "Oh my God."

Noah and Mom finish their cheering before looking at me, both with questioning looks. I chuckle and brush my hand lightly across my neck where the mating bite is, "He said it made him feel stronger, I guess it gave him the ability to play lacrosse, and look really hot doing it."

Mom laughs while Noah scrunches his nose in distaste, "That's wonderful but can you not talk about Stiles like that in front of us?"

Mom snorts before leaning back to make eye contact with Noah, "Don't loop me into this, I find it sweet how much she fawns over him. Lord knows they've been harboring feelings for each other since they were preteens so it's nice for them to actually say it out loud instead of pining after one another."

I roll my eyes but I haven't taken them off of Stiles' form that is darting across the field and as soon as the game is called, with Beacon Hills High taking home the win, I'm darting off the bleachers and towards Stiles. He takes his helmet off and drops it on the ground to catch me. I launch my body at him before smiling and squealing, "I told you, you could do it!"

He chuckles and kisses my cheek before placing my feet back on the ground, "Yeah you did, now let me go so I can go shower."

I unlatch myself from him and smirk, "And once your done we'll grab some curly fries. You can pay." I send him a playful wink at the last part before darting over to Scott to give him an aggressive hug and a kiss on his cheek to congratulate him.

As Scott rambles on I feel a rush of anger and annoyance hit me full force. I look towards the locker room to see Stiles is stopped and talking to someone, and he is not happy. I ignore Scott and tune into Stiles' conversation with one of the lacrosse players from the other team. "Bet she's one hell of a lay isn't she? Seems like a real kinky chick."

I ignore the fact that he's right about the last part and focus on the fact that the anger I'm feeling turns into full on rage and I can feel his control slipping. I take a deep breath and try and calm him down by relaxing and comforting him through our bond. I smile as he regains control and he shrugs, "Not cool dude. We don't objectify women, especially women who are engaged. Especially not when you just said that to the face of their very pissed off fiancé."

The other dude at least has the decency to cringe and shrink back a little but Stiles continues, "Besides I don't kiss and tell and you'll never find out what she's like, personality or her preferences in bed. I don't usually speak for her because she's a strong independent woman, but she isn't here to defend herself so I'll speak for her this once," Stiles clears his throat before leveling the other player with a glare that could freeze over hell, "Angel would rather poke her eyes out with a toothpick and then dig out her intestines with a spork before she ever did anything with you. Not to mention I'll fucking chop your dick off and shove it down your throat if you so much as look at her again. Did I make my point clear or do you need some more imagery? I have a very detailed imagination I'm sure I could think of something else."

The dude backs up and nods frantically, "Look man, I was just messing around, I had no idea. I swear I won't say anything about her again, I won't even think about her."

Stiles grins and pats the other guy on the shoulder, "Good choice man. I wasn't kidding about that threat so remember that. Now I have to go shower so I can go get dinner with my wonderful fiancée and our wonderful family."

The other dude runs away and Stiles makes eye contact before winking and running towards the locker room. I sigh dreamily before looking at Scott who is glaring at the retreating figure that is still left unnamed.

Scott looks at me before frowning, "Fucking Brad."

I snort before bumping my shoulder against Scott's, "Alright Scotty boy, go get a shower. Once you and Stiles are done we're going to the diner to get some curly fries, Stiles is buying."

He smiles and grabs his gear before running towards the locker room where Stiles had disappeared to a few moments ago.

-------------------------------------------------

I shriek as cold water splashes my back before spinning around to see an amused Stiles. I roll my eyes and cross my arms, "Really?"

He shrugs, "You should have been more aware of your surroundings. What if I was some murderer and wanted you as my next victim."

I roll my eyes again before glaring, "You aren't a threat to me. My senses literally ignore you when it comes to shit like that. Unless you're distressed or overly excited or something, then my senses will react but it's more of a reflex to protect you."

He nods before he grabs my hand, "Cool, I'm hungry. Ready for some of Marie's infamous curly fries?"

I chuckle and nod before glancing at Noah and Mom, "I guess we'll meet you there. Stiles and I have to make a pitstop so you might get there first."

Stiles looks at me in confusion before I drag him across the parking lot to his jeep. When we climb into the jeep he looks at me, "Where are we going?"

I smirk, "The diner, just park in the deserted parking lot behind the building across the street."

He raises and eyebrow before nodding but I can see his suspicion, "Okay."

---------------------------------------------

As soon as the jeep is in park I take my seatbelt off and turn in my seat to look at Stiles. He's looking right back at me and raises an eyebrow as he asks, "So, why exactly are we in an abandoned parking lot?"

I smirk and lean across the center console so that Stiles and I are nose to nose, "For privacy."

He pulls back slightly with a confused frown, "Why do we need priva-, ohh, y-yeah okay, I get it. Privacy...p-privacy is good."

I smirk as his eyes flutter shut and his head falls back. I increase the pressure of my hand before slipping my hand into the front of his red track pants. He wiggles slightly before moaning as I pull his half hard cock out so that I have easier access.

As I increase the pressure I move my hand along his shaft adding a few wrist flicks every now and then. Stiles' eyes fight to open and stay open but when he makes eye contact his pupils are blown and he's trying to catch his breath, "W-what's this for?"

I smile and place a few kisses along his jawline before pulling back just long enough to answer, "I did tell you that if you won that I'd give you a surprise."

He nods trying to talk before choking on his words when I lick across his mating bite, "Y-ye-ah, but you said when we...when we, fuck, Jes-...shit!"

I bite into the mating bite causing Stiles to shudder and grab my hair in one of his hands before giving it a sharp tug. I moan against his neck before whining when he uses his free hand to press into my mating bite, "N-no...it's gotta be quick. Jus' you."

He nods before moaning again, "Kay 'm close."

I smile and place one more delicate kiss onto his neck before ducking down and swallowing his dick down in one go. I only give him three hard sucks before he thrusts his hips up and his mouth falls open in a silent moan as his cum is shooting down my throat.

After he's come down from his high I pull off with a lurid slurp. I sit back up as I wipe my hand across my chin to stop the little dribble of his cum that escaped.

I tuck him back into his pants and he whines from overstimulation before I cut him off in a kiss. He hums into the kiss before we separate and he asks, "I thought you said the surprise was for when we got home?"

I grin before nodding, "Yeah, but you did so good I had to give you something. That and watching you play tonight really turned me on and I wanted to taste you."

He groans, "Stop, I can't go another round yet. It felt like you were trying to suck my brain out through my dick there for a second."

I chuckle and place a quick kiss to his cheek before sitting back in my seat and putting the window down to help clear the stench of sex out of the jeep, "That just means I was doing my job right. Now head to the diner, and don't worry you still get a surprise when we get home."

He lets out a deep sigh as he shifts slightly and rearranges the front of his pants. I laugh and buckle my seatbelt as I ask, "I thought you couldn't go another round?"

He starts the jeep and throws me a glare, "That was before you made me promises of future sexy times!"

I swat his forearm as he pulls out of the parking lot, "Stop thinking about it before you go from half hard to full on raging boner."

He groans again, "I can't stop thinking about it if you keep talking about it!"

I purse my lips in thought before I bite back a smile, "Think about the dude that was trying to get into my pants earlier."

He throws the jeep in park at the diner before whipping his head to me and growling, "Don't even. I was five seconds away from cutting his balls off and shoving them so far up his ass they were coming out of his mouth."

I coo and cup his face, "Aw, Mischief that's so sweet, I could blow you again right now if we had time."

He leans into my touch and his eyes flutter shut before someone clears their throat.

I squeak at the same time that Stiles shrieks. We turn to look out of the passenger window...that was still down, to see our parents and Scott standing there awkwardly. Well, Scott looks like he's about to vomit but I have a feeling that's from the smell emitting from the jeep.

I leaned forward and gave Stiles a quick peck on the cheek before clearing my throat trying to escape the awkwardness, "Okay, who's hungry for some curly fries?!"

--------------------------------------------------

I steal a fry off of Stiles' plate as he carries on a conversation with Mom and Noah but I'm not quick enough. I pout as Stiles catches my wrist as the fry is five inches from my mouth, "No, you still have half of yours, leave mine alone."

I give him a pouty face and my best puppy eyes, "But yours taste so much better."

He looks at me unimpressed as he pries the fry from my fingers, "That's because you aren't supposed to eat them. Now eat your own fries or ask for some of Scott's."

I huff before I turn to Scott with a wolfish grin. His eyes widen before he grabs his plate and pulls it closer to him, "NO! Eat your own!"

I hold my hands up in surrender as I relax back into the booth, "Alright."

He sighs in relief but I feel Stiles snort beside me because he knows me well enough to know I haven't given up. I wait another minute and finish my last few fries until Scott has relaxed and is taking a drink before I lunge across the table and grab the plate with curly fries on it. I pull it towards me as Scott shrieks, "Y/N! NO!"

He grabs the plate and we wrestle over it as half the diner watches, including everyone that works there. Scott is trying to pry it from my fingers while I try and land a hard blow to his shin. He hisses as I land a solid kick but not enough for him to ease up on his grip, "Stop it! They're mine! Go assault your boyfriend!"

I hear an appalled gasp from beside us before suddenly there's a hand scooping the fries of the plate and moving them to their own plate. We track the hand to find a scowling Stiles who is glaring daggers at Scott, "That's it, no more fries for either of you!"

Scott and I drop the plate at the same time causing a ping to ring throughout the diner. We both look at Stiles scandalized, as I pout, "What?! Why?!"

Scott nods, "Yeah! They were mine to begin with! She's the one that acts like a pig half the time."

I squawk and reach across the table to smack the back of his head as Stiles pushed the plate of fries to Mom, "Here Melissa, you can have them if you want. It's the least I can do for you having to raise these two idiots."

Mom shakes her head with a smile and declines before intently watching us to see what happens.

"IDIOTS?!"

"EXCUSE ME?!"

He turns to both of us with a smirk and snaps his fingers, "Sit."

Scott and I both freeze and sit back down to face Stiles before he gives one nod of approval before pointedly looking at me, "You don't get them because you were terrorizing your brother. I told you to ask, not steal."

I shrink down and glare at the table with my arms crossed as Stiles points at Scott, "And you!"

I look up to see Scott look around slightly scared, "What did I do?!"

Stiles narrows his eyes before grabbing my left hand and slamming it down on the table, "I'm not her boyfriend! I'm her fiancé, get it right or starve."

Scott's mouth dropped open in disbelief as Mom and Noah both cough to hide their laughs, something I don't do. I let out a snicker and go to yell at Scott before a hand clamps over my mouth. I look at Stiles with wide eyes as he frowns, "Zip it before you lose milkshake privileges for a week."

I muffle against his hand in protest and he tsks, "Welp, two weeks."

I squeak and throw him my murder eyes which only causes him to raise an eyebrow, "Three weeks! Want to keep going or are you going to be nice."

I smirk and go to lick his hand but Stiles is quicker, "And I swear to God! If you lick my hand you lose passenger princess rights for a month and Scott gets the passenger seat."

I deflate but Stiles' lips twitch in a smile when he feels my amusement and happiness through the bond. He removes his hand and nods, "Now what do you two says?"

Scott and I both sigh before grumbling, "I'm sorry."

Stiles nods before pushing me the curly fries, "Here you can have the rest I'm full."

I squeeze his arm in a hug as Scott glares and goes to protest before I put the plate in between us, "We can share."

Scott smiles and nods, "Okay."

Stiles looks up to see everyone staring at us and he shrugs, "You do what you gotta do to keep the peace."

[p1xiemeat]

Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much💜 and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

[plantwriting]

List of bitb headcanons I’ve just accidentally convinced myself are canon or something to the point where I’m shocked when they aren’t (under the cut so I dont needlessly fill up people’s feeds and also for spoilers)

-Rolan is a gay man

-Rolan did not realize he was a gay man until like his mid to late 20s

-Kian’s parents were drug addicts and very neglectful (I mean there’s subtext pointing to it but like technically all we know about them is that they’re hippies, they’re part of a “commune” (probably a cult) and they didn’t give him a last name)

-Rand has a stockier build than the other two. I don’t. He’s very skinny in official art. But in my brain? No he is not. Bro is chubby.

-Rolan was raised very religious and now he has issues

-Kian’s death and rebirth left him with a very large scar on his stomach (listen all I’m saying is the stingers like melt your skin and shit so if he swallowed it it would have done that to him from the inside starting at his stomach and also-)

-Rand is aroace but because he’s pretty sex positive and romance like neutral / positive he ends up thinking he’s bi

-Rolan had a cat with en ex-girlfriend but she took it when they broke up because Rolan’s a workaholic (mutual decision)

-Kian was definitely homeless at some point or at least very very much struggling for money while still trying to make the rockstar thing work

-Rand is dyslexic. Don’t really know where that came from and it’s not based on anything I just feel it in my soul

-Rolan can’t actually like… get sick. At least not with any kind of human illnesses. He just thought he had a very good immune system for the longest time.

-Kian is so so so very trans!!! Which direction? Depends entirely on what I feel like writing that day

-Rand was left a lot of shit in both of the other twos’ wills so post canon he’d be financially speaking pretty okay. Once he was doing a bit better he’d spend some of that money to just fucking start a record label, publish Kian’s music, and then leave conspiracy theorists going wild when the record label never publishes anything else ever again

-Rolan is the only one of the three who has like… actual other friends. They’re mostly from college and stuff and they’re not super close anymore but still call from time to time

-Kian calls Rolan hot nonchalantly

-Rand attempted before (please tell me you’ve seen the original please it’s meant to be a joke but also. Uh. Yeah.)

-All three of them are autistic. You know I’m right.

-The bugs can buzz in a way that has a similar effect to a cat’s purring :)

-Also on the bugs: they have a hierarchy that consists of

The queen (starts the hive, typically stays in the nest, not really of this mortal plane so needs a host to like tether them to it (Rachel), very intelligent and obviously rules the hive),

What I am choosing to call impostors for funny (more intelligent than average workers, are fully aware of what they are and what’s going on but can still pretend to be just normal people, act as a sort of middle man between the queen and the workers, mostly in charge of reproduction and gathering intel, keep and have all the knowledge from the person they are pretending to be),

And then the workers (not very smart on their own and need the hivemind to have like any idea what to do, have basically two minds aka the human mind and the bug mind, only one of which can typically be in control at a time, not capable of reproduction (mostly so i dont have to think about the implications of the bugs canonically laying eggs and Rolan), main purpose is to expand the hive, get food and protect the queen)

[ticklishraspberries]

Sick Puppy (Roman Roy)

Summary: Sometimes, people see right through Roman’s act and put him in his place. He’s into that, though. (This fic is not ship-specific...I guess it’s more of a character study, but like, in a horny way. And the other person involved is faceless, nameless...Not an OC or an x reader thing, just...An entity, I guess? Very different from my usual fics, I hope someone enjoys it. Warnings for smut (18+ only), degradtion/humiliation, tickling as a sexual act, and some light dub-con (in the begging-but-not-meaning-it way.)

He isn’t good at asking for what he wants. Yes, he can order employees around, whine about needing another beer or fancy watch, and initiate a hug when he needs one, at least, with Kendall and Shiv. But when it comes to intimacy, sex, something he should be so confident about…Well, his tongue gets entirely tied. He’s good at charming people with rehearsed smiles and bullshit buzzwords, but forming a connection, feeling comfortable…He’s shit at that.

Every once in a while, something arises, and he’s actually able to get it up for something other than his right hand. Sometimes, someone manages to read him like a fucking book, see past the cool facade, and discover the weird shit that really gets him going.

Those times are really the only time he enjoys sex. Just snapping his hips in time with the moans of some blonde chick isn’t really his thing. It’s boring, and way too vulnerable for such little payoff. But when it gets to the kinky stuff, that’s what interests him.

It starts as an accident, too-gentle touches in too-sensitive places, making him shiver and squirm before he’s properly tickled, pinned against a mattress, trying to smother his giggling in a pillow.

“You like this, don’t you? Fuckin’ perv.”

Roman swallows hard. His cheeks are flushed, and his pupils are dilated. The pillow is slowly pulled away from his face, and one look at his expression is enough to answer the questions.

“Never thought you’d get off on being helpless like this. All the fame, money, power…It doesn’t mean shit right now. I can do whatever I want to you. Does that scare you?”

The words rush through his veins and travel south, cock twitching in his well-tailored, high-priced pants. Something like a whimper leaves his mouth as he nods once, slowly.

“You’re one sick puppy.”

Yes, he is. He’s a fucking freak, a masochist who wants an outlet for all the stress. Wants to let someone else pull him around by the collar, tell him what to wear, what to eat, and where to go. Wants to be put in his place, made fun of. Being rich, famous, whatever…None of it makes him less susceptible to embarrassment, desperation, or ticklishness.

“Ask for it.”

The touch is gone as quickly as it had begun, and he whines like a spoiled child, being told ‘no’ for the first time. It’s all for show, really. He likes the way the words feel heavy in his mouth, how his stomach flips at the thought of spitting out that word, two syllables, starting with ‘T’ and ending with ‘E’.

Humiliation has always been the fastest way to Roman Roy’s heart—well, more like his cock. There isn’t room in his heart for anyone other than his siblings.

He stutters over his words, averting his gaze, like a shy schoolboy with a crush on his young, hot teacher. “Can you…I, I mean, could you…Please? Please, this is fuckin’ embarrassing, can you just fucking tickle me already?”

He bursts into a high-pitched fit of giggles the moment fingers touch his belly, squirming wildly. Despite his urge to escape, he holds his arms up over his own head, hands clasped together, muscles twitching with the urge to pull them down and protect his sensitive spots. But like a good, obedient dog, he stays in place.

“Good boy. It’s so cute when you beg.”

The praise makes his skin feel electrified, each sensation amplified. He’s good. He’s…cute? Hot, sexy, handsome, those are words he’d use. But cute…He can work with cute.

The buttons of his shirt are already undone, nothing underneath, but that’s not enough. It’s roughly tugged off his arms, and thrown to the side. It’s brand new, sitting crumpled on the floor. He doesn’t care.

He returns his arms to their raised position, feeling twice as exposed now. He feels like prey. It makes his pants feel tight. He’s not being touched, but he lets out a nervous chuckle.

“I’m not even touching you. Are you really that sensitive, hm?”

“Yes,” he replies, breathless. Admitting it feels euphoric and horrible all at once. It’s true, though. When he was younger, all his siblings had to do was wiggle their fingers at him and he’d take off running.

Nails start at his elbow, slowly scratching down his biceps, towards his armpits, and his giggling becomes more frantic. “Wait, wait, can’t we tahalk about this? I will pay you not to touch me there, it’s—”

“Too ticklish?” The mock sympathetic tone makes him whine again. “If you really want me to, I can stop. But something tells me you’re just begging because it turns you on more if I ignore it…”

God, if only his people skills were this good, he’d close every business deal. He squeezes his eyes shut, unable to look as he affirms the suspicion. For a corporate scumbag, he does actually value consent, but pretending to hate this makes it so much more exciting.

Fingers waste no time in attacking his underarms, and he’s pulling his arms down immediately with a too-loud, so unbecoming shriek of laughter.

“God, you weren’t kidding. This is pathetic.”

One arm is pinned above Roman’s head, fingers scratching at the space between his top rib and the hollow of his underarm, and he uses his free hand to touch himself, whines and moans intermingling with laughter.

“Yeah, cum for me like this. Can’t believe this is what gets you off. So hot, watching you squirm like this…”

The words only send him over the edge at an embarrassing speed.

In about an hour, he’ll be so fucking embarrassed, will probably down some wine to forget it. Just like all his other affairs, this will go away with an NDA and a check. But there will always be someone out there who has seen him like this, seen him beg and whine like a bitch, and he finds the thought both infuriating and arousing.

At least he knows he’s capable of asking for what he wants, although it clearly takes some persuasion. Plus, he has jack-off material to last him a lifetime, which is always fun.

[emetkoto]

I haven't played bg3 so I'd love to hear how astarion's views of koto change throughout the story pls <3 like is he immediately attracted or what. and what about koto's feelings and how they change. gimmie the deets.

Honestly, Astarion sums up his part pretty well in his confession dialogue!

and then hilariously another tidbit from his final romance scene literally right before he tells you he loves you and you have sex on his grave (ignore old k'oto i havent gotten there on new k'oto yet and also the different outfits these are from two different play sessions)

basically tldr. astarion didnt really care for k'oto at all at first, it was all just manipulation in order to get him to trust him so he would keep him around and protect him since he was terrified of his master finding him (he's a vampire spawn and the only reason he has his free will up until we kill his master is because of the mind flayer parasites all the characters have, he only got away when the mind flayers kidnapped him and has been paranoid about being found since, rightfully so since we come across a monster hunter sent after him early on) so it was all just. seduction and charming! he was really kinda annoyed by k'otos whole 'good guy' thing, like 'ohhhh wow youre a hero. what good are you. nobody ever helped me or saved me. where were you when i needed you.' (obviously completely unfair, k'oto is only 28 and he was turned 200 years ago) and kind of a little bit afraid of him? sure he's shorter than him but he's also way stronger physically and has fangs and claws and strange beastly habits that really just kinda put him off for a while bc yknow. fangs hurt him once. sure this guy seems harmless but he knows better than to trust!!!

except he doesnt. because k'oto was completely unexpected in every way. he's kind and funny and genuine in a way astarion had completely forgotten was possible. he loved him so completely and so honestly the whole time. even when he told him sweet lies and was just so obviously using him he just. kept loving him!!! (k'oto voice) its not real now but someday it might be, and ill still be here when it is. when hes ready to love me back. <--------shit like That!!! the icing on the cake was coming to realize that he and k'oto had. a LOT more in common than he wouldve ever thought. particularly when it came to matters of sex and how they had trouble viewing their bodies as their own due to their circumstances and how it all made it difficult for them to say 'no' to things out of fear/obligation…the very last thing he ever expected from this dumbass catboy was to see himself 100-something years younger in him…..he just. was exactly what astarion needed…uegh!!!

k'oto was pretty much head over heels from the beginning despite the red flags. he was far from home and work where nobody would even think to offer him money for his time and would just spend it with him because they genuinely wanted to for nothing more in exchange than just their own time and company so even if he was being blatantly manipulated it was still the realest shit he'd experienced in years from probably the most attractive guy he'd ever met upto that point so it was a recipe for some good ol fashion love at first sight…or i guess. love at first knifepoint.

maybe a bit of confusion at first bc he'd never been in love before so there was probs a brief period of 'am i in love or is this just lust' until after he slept with him the first time and it didn't go away and in fact only got stronger and he was like 'ok yeah im in love actually!!!!'

sorry this is completely incoherent i love them so fucking much it makes me sick to my stomach and also im so very tired

[buckybarnesss]

on fire: a teen wolf novel chapters 14-16 chapters 10-13 here chapters 7-9 here chapters 4-6 here chapters 1-3 here

annnndddd i'm back with another installment of on fire. we're in the home stretch now as the next three chapters will cover the end of the novel.

this section took me some time because 1. i do not care that the whittermores were robbed and 2. there's two long, detailed flashbacks with kate and derek that i found difficult to get through.

speaking of.

as always kate argent is her own warning but just in case i will be talking about those flashbacks so warnings for grooming and rape.

me this entire chapter:

we open this chapter back on lydia. who is now tied up by Thing One and Thing Two. she specifies she’s tied to a Louis XIV gilt wooden chair.  now lydia says it's antique but pssft mrs. whittermore totally got a reproduction because she's new money trying to pretentiously pretend she has class. the whittermores always give "his wife covered the house in chintz so to keep it real i fuck him on the floor" energy. 

lydia goes on to describe the robbery and look, i don’t really care about this. let them get robbed. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

lydia also gets to have her own little flow chart to show just how smart she is:

we move from lydia being a hostage to hunter gramm (we learn this is not his real name. his real name is bailey) plotting how to dispose of jackson. cassie doesn't want jackson to get hurt so she pleads for him to just dump jackson somewhere and escape to mexico like they had planned. bailey isn't listening though because he gets a phone call.

cassie is trying very hard to keep jackson’s dumbass alive as they listen to bailey have a conversation with one of the goons back at the house. he realizes they have lydia and he’s afraid for her. chich is sweet. honestly their behavior and thoughts towards each other throughout the book have been very in line with their toxicity in the show. caring is not a weakness, oof.

we’re back in hell -- oops -- i mean another flashback to six years ago with kate and derek.

remember i read this so you don’t have to. 🤮🤮

kate gave derek something to eat or drink i think was laced with something that makes him sick to his stomach and he goes to throw up in her bathroom. 

i just want to wrap derek up in bubble wrap and keep kate away from him forever and ever. 

derek’s a ball of anxiety throughout all this. he wants to appear grown up for kate and impress her. he doesn’t want her to see him like the child he actually is.

derek spends about a paragraph waxing poetic about werewolves. he calls his pack his “moonborn family” and i like that sentiment actually.

what I don’t like is “like wolves, werewolves mate for life.”  this may be a Me Thing but i’ve never been overly fond of the whole mate concept within fandom. i just thank my lucky stars it's not canon.

there’s a moment when derek’s about to leave kate’s apartment where she moves to kiss him and GIRL HE THREW UP. YOU KNEW HE DID. YOU SET HIM UP FOR IT. YOU NASTY.

derek leaves and he’s just swimming in anxiety and insecurity over the “date” with kate. he feels like a loser because he wants to be Grown Up and have sex. he physically starts to jog away from her place. it’s like his body knows what his mind isn’t even entertaining. that she's a predator and he shouldn't be doing anything with her in private.

derek runs and ends up outside of beacon hills hospital where he sees the stilinskis. little stiles, his father and the unnamed claudia stilinski. i couldn’t make this up if i tried. this is such a classic trope. 

of course in canon by the time of the hale fire claudia had been deceased for a year but we don't find that out until season 3 so it can be forgiven.

he observes them. holder gives a clear reference to what a lot of fandom assumed before it was revealed that mrs. stilinski actually had FTD and went with the idea that she had cancer referencing remission. he notices how nervous stiles is and how it reflects his own nerves. 

this brings derek to the idea that humans can get sick, they decay and die. it freaks him out. which, okay, i guess since this version of derek doesn’t spend a lot of time around humans so he’s not used to the concept of mortality of others or himself.

this new fixation drives derek back to kate’s as he's overcome with worry for her. he's become a ball of confused hormones but when he arrives he overhears her talking to someone. it's clearly another hunter but only the audience knows that and derek's uncurious ass accepts it's not his business as he regains himself and turns to go but he bumps into a trash can making noise. this of course brings kate out. she's wearing a satin robe 🤮 and she puts on her concerned face and offers to let him shower and says she has an extra tooth brush. god, i hate her.

this chapter ends with the words: “and ms. argent shut the night out, and brought him into her den.” rage. what i feel is rage.

the next chapter comes back to the present day with lydia being rescued by danny and damon. the pair had gotten danny’s lacrosse gear and broke a window. lydia took her chance and ran out. 

man, that was actually an awesome utilization of danny. smart, clever and quick. wish we could’ve seen something like this in the show. jeff.

it cuts back to jackson who is listening to cassie try to bargain with bailey to leave jackson alive. bailey doesn’t want to leave any loose ends. like, my guy. the plan has fallen apart and you want to catch a murder charge too?

jackson just can’t catch a break this entire time. cassie and jackson attempt at an escape from the van when bailey is distracted. it ends as you’d expect. cassie gets shot because bailey is a fucking idiot, the van crashes. it’s a mess. glass everywhere, the smell of smoke and gas. jackson’s still handcuffed and cassie is in terrible shape. 

in the midst of this lydia has called 911 and is speaking to a dispatcher who's trying to help them. it's helpful but not helpful enough.

in the middle of THIS chaos holder sends us six years into the past again ---  well. i think we can guess what’s coming, can’t we? 

while I appreciate the world building that holder does as she tries to at least give some ritual and culture to the werewolves that’s specific to them. i cannot help but laugh at how she makes it french in connection when really the argents get the emphasis on their french origins. hell, even a quick google search gives up some results on the origin of the surname hale. i find the connection to st edmund interesting (he is the patron saint of torture victims, wolves and protection from the plague. jeff davis i see you.)

peter has a motorcycle that he lets derek borrow???? this feels incorrect. i cannot imagine peter sharing his toys.

i loathe laura’s characterization and it's such a shame this is really the only character she gets that is connected even tenuously to canon. laura is depicted as being aware of derek’s involvement with kate. she's a bit hesitant but not disapproving or overly concerned. she's kept it a secret. derek and laura have a discussion about the possibility of kate receiving the bite and laura even says, “maybe she’s doing a cougar on you.” like, this is just deeply fucked and bothers me so damn much. not only did canonically laura never knew about kate and derek's relationship but i hate how she's just acting like this is something normal.

derek mentions he gave kate a ring as a token of affection that he bought with money peter gave him in exchange for doing a few errands.

derek goes on to describe going home with kate and he’s so, so blinded by his affection for her that i just feel sick reading this.

the important part of this scene is derek whispers that he loves her while she’s asleep and goes to leave after showing but he forgot his backpack. he goes back and creeps back inside her bedroom. like he’s fucking edward cullen or some shit.

SHE IS A RAPIST AND THIS ALL MAKES ME UPSET.

though i have questions about what the fuck this means “he wanted to make love to her as a werewolf.” what in the furry hell?

[toastyliltoasts]

Im so done with life.

First of all, Shelby needs all the support she deserves. No one should have to go through that and its absolute shit she had to. Now, I've never watched her streams but she genuinely seems like a nice person. She didnt deserve to be treated like how she was. I dont think I would've ever considered biting as physical abuse until she explained how fucked up that was.

Someone close to me has been subjected to horrible financial abuse, where they would have to pay for every single thing whether it's for them or the person forcing them to buy it. So I know, as a bystander, how awful that is, being treated like a personal atm machine or atleast know how frustrating it is to see it. It hurts to see how their entire being, to the abuser, is nothing but a vessel earning money to be spent on things non beneficial to them. Shelby, or anyone in that fact, should never be treated as such.

And its seriously messed up how people try their absolute hardest to find who the abuser is, rather than supporting Shelby through this and giving her the praise she deserves for standing up for herself and being brave enough to open up about this. Abuse is not something easy to talk about when you've experienced it.

Secondly, without further evidence, its not right to point fingers. Yes, Wilbur bites a lot and yes, he has rat infestation and mold in his household. He could be the said abuser and there's every chance he's being absolutely wrongly accused and Twitter, as it always has been, is incorrect and complete shit. So without defending Wilbur or accusing him, it'd be best to stay neutral on the whole topic until further confirmation.

This isnt about me, or us as a whole, but that man helped me through a lot. He's been a huge support through the shitty quality of a screen. So thinking about how it could be him makes me sick to my stomach. But wrongly accusing him of things he's been possibly framed for is equally, if not more, sickening. He has faced shitty mental health and is now on break for the same damn reason. He's said multiple times before that he was an awful person and he's trying to better himself. And accusing him of such horrid acts, whether he has done them or not, is not gonna change anything. Give everyone some time, they need it.

Until actual confirmation, Shelby needs genuine support, however much she may need. And I will not stop writing for Wilbur until it is actually confirmed, not just accusations but solid confirmation, because he is a huge comfort for me and a lot of other people. Go support Shelby because of her courage and stop making a person with poor mental health be more mentally ill. Im not one to use tags so people can see my posts unless its an actual fic but I think this needs to be, even in the slightest bit, heard because you all are making everyone and everything worse.

[starry-blue-echoes]

Hi, it's me! The anon who submitted the vampiric Joseph AU. Wanted to share a few more ideas that I had.

Basically, the whole world thinks Joseph actually died in Cairo. It checks out considering everything else that had happened there, plus there were probably some eye-witness accounts to DIO attacking him. All company stuff went to Suzi Q, maybe Holly too? She's not a business person, but I see her helping out where she could. Joseph still runs it, just with Suzi Q being sort of a stand-in for him.

In regards to this with Josuke, he doesn't know for a while that the person who's been helping him out is actually his father. I guessed that with having to make a will so suddenly, somehow Josuke was discovered way earlier than the beginning of Part 4. I had it where he was sort of just this unknown person that helped Josuke out when he was in danger, especially when he was younger. (Plus he probably got some good inheritance money. Dad points? It's like a +0.5 point.)

Also, totally right with Holly. Especially with more interaction with Josuke here, I can't help but feel Joseph has a lot of guilt regarding his wife, even if one of those situations wasn't his fault. He'd be very lost. All he wanted was a life with her, and to die with her. And now he's stuck to make this decision on his own, with the only way to do so being the most painful options he could imagine.

Definitely think that fight with Straizo also messes with his head a lot more. He knows it's possible to still use hamon, and that thought weighs heavy on his mind.

Sorry for the long ask! Have a lot of thoughts, thank you so much for replying to my initial ask!

- bread

hi bread it's nice to have you :D

but also YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I love the idea of Joseph faking his death. It was going to happen eventually, might as well take advantage of the opportunity now since it'll be easiest. He does what he can to help Suzie and Holly with everything, and all things considered he's still running the company. Suzie becomes almost like a puppet ruler in some ways with people not realize Joseph's still working behind the scenes

also if I may raise an idea for Joseph vibing around before Part 4 canon: what if Joseph ends up learning about Josuke and sorta..... moves in to Morioh. It's only about a year or so before canon, but Joseph wants to be there for the son he apparently had. The talk with Suzie was...... rough to say the least, and he knows he deserved it but it still hurt. He was ashamed of his actions, but he also didn't want this kid to suffer because of it. The kid might've gotten sick like Holly did all those years ago and have a Stand without any guidance for all he knew!

Suzie is luckily understanding. Upset yes, but she can respect Joseph's decision at the very least. Plus...... she needs a bit of time right now. It's not a divorce, but just..... right now she needs to work through these emotions and this breaking of trust. It hurts Joseph a lot, but again he saw this coming, recognizes he kinda deserves it, and respects her wishes

(Joseph does have to deal with the black pit in his stomach for a while because we have so little time left we need to solve this now if we don't one of us could die and then we'll be left angry and grieving and confused and regretting how the last thing we did was fight but at the same time he knows that if he forces it, he'll just fuck things up further and he CANNOT do that)

so Joseph becomes Josuke's New And Kinda Weird But Overall Really Fun Neighbor. Josuke absolutely loses it when he realizes Joseph has a Stand, and he's able to give the kid a lot of guidance about the Stand World in general

and for a pinch of angst........ Joseph not telling Josuke he's his father. He tells himself he will. That he's just waiting for things to settle down, waiting for Josuke to be comfortable with him, waiting for the right moment...... but deep down he knows that's never going to come. He's ashamed he wasn't able to be there for Josuke's life, ashamed to call himself a father because of his actions, but most importantly he's terrified of how Josuke will react. The kid has every reason to hate him, and as selfish as it may be Joseph doesn't want to lose him

but then of course things start to go sideways when the Arrow makes an appearance in Morioh :)

[space-blue]

wait hold on… can u elaborate about the australian slavery situation??? what did it inspire u to write??

Hah, sure! You'll find a lot of it answered in this previous ask!

Basically in Australia if you want a second year on your working holiday visa, you have to do work in some countryside postcodes. The laws have changed around it, but back then (2014?) it was basically a hellscape of modern slavery. There's a horror film about that sort of job actually! Very funny--may not watch lol

I went to a lady who lived in Grafton and who was certified batshit. It was very very bad. I worked without equipment, sometimes ankle deep in mud, in the rain, feeding horses in my bikini because that way I could hose myself down.

I had to carry and lift bags of feed, 25 or 50kg... And make feed at night, boiling it. The room we kept the feed in was a container, and from the moment the sun set, the walls would come alive. tapestry of dancing roaches.

That's me ^ and the feed 'shed'.

The horses, of course, were great and always good company...

(that's not me but a fellow slave).

The worst though was not the insects crawling in, the black widows by the dozen, the flying roaches in my face or me having to sic the dogs on nesting mice... It was the barking.

One of the bitches had pups and was underfed. The neighbour threatened to kill her if she didn't stop killing his chickens. So instead of feeding her better, they turned the cage like space I'm in on that first pic, into an improvised kennel for SEVEN dogs. The puppies? Kept alone across the yard.

That bitch barked all night, non stop. It drove me to madness. It drove me to dark, dark places. I considered killing her myself. It was so bad, I eventually wrote a short story where Obi-Wan Kenobi breaks on Kadavo due to sleep deprivation! Then it turned into my first finished long-ish fic fix it, I'm very proud of it lol

He's lifting rocks, pushing carts, choking on his daily portion of mouldy bread, staring into the middle distance. He keeps his thoughts far from the things and people he loves, afraid that handling such precious memories might sully them, taint them with the same revolting grime that mats his hair and cakes under his nails. He feels his soul unravelling. The once thick and vibrant weave of his personality a moth-eaten rag, fraying under his touch. The person he was... The calm, collected man, sometimes to a fault... Sometimes a little too cold and obedient... Where has he gone? Like a shade into darkness, swallowed by something greater than himself.

Anyway, in the middle of that madness I started writing a 'novel' that was very much a vampire romance in which it's not *quite* vampires akchually... But then it evolved into an idea I really cherish, and wish I had the writing chops to work on soon.

So yeah anyway, I was mega broke as in '100$ and nothing else', was not paid, forced to work daily, even wash the family's stuff every day and roll the towels like in a 5 star hotel. I had no car and no money to get a way out.

The crazy horse lady kicked me out with no warning though, and I was rescued by lovely (and deeply racist) people. Before making my way to another horse person, a guy this time, who gave me a camping stove and a mattress in the room at the end of his stables.

I mucked shit every day while listening to Benedict Cumberbatch's reading of Kafka's Metamorphosis. There's a joke somewhere in there.

Here I am, over my pile of shit :

This is an era of my life where I had no money and no internet banking, and had to ask the cashier to 'please try again' after taking a can out of the shoping, and another can, and another...

I also, tragically, read The Collector, by John Fowles. That book left me so physically distressed, I was sick to my fucking stomach. I picked up the Exorcist to try and wash my palate! But finally I searched for fellow writers online, feeling my sanity was slowly unraveling...

And I found a forum of fantasy and scifi writers who ran a small monthly short story competition! I wrote my first in one day, while mucking stables... Sat at my diner of frozen potatoes and slammed my first 1.5k words short story ever. It featured an immortal gunslinger in a post apocalyptic wasteland. Strong beginings.

You can read most of those short stories here.

I participated almost religiously to this, for years. By the time I entered fanfic-world, I had almost 7 years of this under my belt.

I'm definitely sure it rescued my sanity.

[ninelivesastrology]

So my ex friend and pet rat literally told my abuser I was going through his devices and I think it just made him so fucking paranoid that he actually started to spiral when I left (as asked).

cw: rape, CSA, child exploitation, CSAM, coercive control, domestic abuse

I don't really stan going through people's shit and I get sick at the thought of going through anybody's shit now, but this situation is so different because my abuser ended up getting caught with child sexual abuse material.

And the way I was just gaslighted over it was just disgusting, I spent a lot of time just mulling over this "relationship" with someone who didn't exist. The way everyone jumped to protect him is genuinely stomach-turning because why should I have my body accessible to someone like that? Man, I've seen it before, men like this are in entire relationships with an adult woman while getting off to this material or abusing a child and sleeping with the adult. This dynamic is not a "if" scenario, but "when."

Additionally, I have never met a male sexual offender who wasn't a domestic abuser.

In a factual sense, it's really insidious because this type of child exploitation is so permanent in nature when it's uploaded to the internet. It's even more insidious to me because I was the proxy for it. I'm trying to think of a way to word it to my therapist, but it's like, "Imagine someone projecting a child's body onto yours" and the worst part is that he was sadistic. Violent doesn't cut it because... I think of victims who are raped and they're literally torn and bleeding, injured so much that they have to have surgery, even organs removed, that's what he's capable of. Child torture.

If he can do that to an adult, then it's no brainer. Like he made "jokes" about not using safewords and he was not joking. But this is what happens when you normalize "taboo," it's like things that are blatantly off limits are because people think paraphilias are like the usual fetishes, but there's a line in the sense that paraphilias result in trauma to others. Like you cannot group someone who likes to suck toes in the same category as my abuser. It's so funny, everyone squirms and wretches at people who like feet, but let a man want to abuse an infant and everyone's jumping to his defense and saying that the infant won't remember it. Ian Watkins groupies.

If you asked me if I thought my abuser would reoffend, I'm saying yes before you can finish your sentence. It's often survivors who know when their abuser is going to act and what they're likely to do. To reoffend, he's going to become friends with mothers to have access to their kids. He's going to use women to get another woman to let her guard down. He's the type to ask his female friend to put something in your drink to make you black out. He's going to use money to do it. He's going to beg. He's going to cry. He's going to lovebomb you.

I just remember before I left that he was watching Cr1TiKaL'a coverage of EDP445 (caught via sting) like religiously, that and those "know your rights" videos where they teach you how to get a police officer to fuck off.

My pet rat called me a snitch (projecting like a mf) and accused me of bullying her with white woman tears while knowing she was betraying me behind my back over my rapist. There's no remorse and I'm still not being left alone to this day after being diagnosed with a chronic illness and because this asshole wants who he shouldn't have and who he shouldn't be touching.

My abuser and I's relationship wasn't real, it was just an illusion. It was all a lie.

[bondsmagii]

Dude I'm legit considering deleting tiktok lately bc the takes are so so bad. I feel genuinely worried about the direction we as a society are walking towards and it's just so insane to watch it.

Like legit the way people talk about privilege on that app is insane. It feels like they've attached such a morality to privilege that it works like fucking badges. Like I'm underprivileged and therefore good and you're privileged therefore bad. And don't get me wrong, privilege should be acknowledge but human beings don't function under such binary ways. Saw someone making a tiktok grieving tuntakmon, a fucking kid, then being roasted by it bc they were grieving a "cishet privileged male" and the person then defended themselves by listing all the ways he was underprivileged. Like collecting minority points. It's insane. It such a dehumanizing way to look at humanity. And it's awful to talk about it bc I've always been down with the left and social justice and progressivness but it seems it has gone to such an extreme you've just walked a circle and ended on the same place you were trying to get away from. The way they navigate life demanding a sense of shame and ppl to be apologetic bc they are not morally clean enough or have privileges without recognizing that fucking everyone has privilege, one or the other, and yes it should be discussed but the goal shouldn't be hating on someone that has enough money to pay for a top surgery and "calling them ou on their privlege" but looking at the system that birthed that situation. Like I'm sick to my stomach with so much that I see there.

Saw someone saying that if you don't cut your friends after they cheat on their SO you're a bad person and everyone saying "if they betray the person they love imagine what would they do you?" Which for one by God the way society goes about putting romantic love above any other relationship is heartbreaking, the way that they assume someone ought to love their romantic love so much more than you, their friend, that imagine what they would do to you, whom they barely love at all in comparison. But mostly, can you imagine if your friend is like "hey dude I fucked up I cheated" and you're like "that's it. We are done"? The idea that people are nuanced and have motives for what they do is non existent. And it's not like I support cheaters but that was such a "hot take" and everyone was jumping on board and I'm just like "so you guys are just.. bad friend huh?"

And here's the thing: I do think we should strive to be better morally but not like this. God, not like this. And I get cutting people off if they do something you can't morally agree with it, but if it's someone you love, a friend, and you don't even given them the chance to explain themselves, do not even try to understand them, then that's fucked up. But here's the whole thing with this extreme extreme political correctness that is going around and where it makes me so very angry: it's not about others. It's not about trying to understand others or to grow as a society or to make things better to those who suffer under systematic oppression or any of this shit. Is just about complaining about things that don't matter, and being a good person in the most performative shallow way ever, the kind that has no regards for humanity and whose understanding of it lacks deeply because it refuses to look at humanity in its complexity instead of clear divisive lines.

And you know what? Fuck that. Fuck that so very hard. It pains me so much to see it. The way art had been suffering under this movement hurts me deeply. The way this movement actually promotes segregation and divisiness over anything else. The way that this movement reduces ppl to labels again and again hurts me. It's just disheartening. It's the same feeling I had and have towards culture appropriation: a movement that came to stop ppl disrespecting different cultures became a movement that divides and claims possession over things that were always meant to be shared. Culture is meant to be shared. To be learned. To be absorbed and reinvented again and again. That's the fucking pointtt

I'm angry and I'm frustrated. This search for a squick clean person will never be achieved. Humans will always be wrong and will always fucked up. Morality does not exist in a binary system, it is so very nuanced. You will never love someone if you can only love them when they are never fucking wrong. They will be wrong. No one has a perfect moral system. No one does. Plus If we continue this way, separating our culture into little boxes and giving them to whoever claimed it was theirs first, what will our future art look like? Our future food? Our future ideas? Inventions? When did humanity went from being a collaborative effort to being segregated groups taking claim over something that shall then never be enjoyed by anyone else?

This is a super long rant but I'm so very angry and came into your blog to dish it out bc I think maybe you can share the frustration with me

Also just saw someone saying that adopting is bad because it traumatizes the kid who had a biological bond with theit mother and if you adopt you're taking a child without their consent so I guess let kids die on the street then?

I hate hate hate tiktok

raising a glass to all of this and genuinely get what you mean here anon, I frequently honest to god feel like I'm going crazy because this kind of attitude is so interwoven with how people respond and interact to things now, and it's so widely accepted and even expected, that I often wonder what the fuck is in the water. I remember feeling shades of this way back in 2012 when this kind of attitude started on Tumblr and people started getting called out for every little thing, and since then I've watched it grow to such epic and unhinged proportions that it honestly horrifies me. I think that TikTok -- and the overarching attitudes that it's a perfect microcosm of -- have done irreversible damage to society, in multiple different areas. I would encourage absolutely everyone to delete that app, and also to severely limit their time on websites like Twitter and Tumblr. it is genuinely harmful to be exposed to this shit for too long; it quite literally rots your brain.

I'm a person with incredibly solid morals and I am not afraid to go against the party line, I will not be guilted or pressured or shamed into any attitudes or opinions that I don't have, and I consider myself to be completely separate from these attitudes, having never vibed with it even when it was new and still, on the surface at least, reasonable. even so, I have seen my own attitude towards things take a hit from being exposed to the garbage I see on Tumblr alone. the more time I spent on social media, the more aggressive and uncharitable I was, and the more suspicious I was of other people's motives for saying or believing things. it went against everything I know about myself, and it was honestly disturbing to see this kind of erosion of my own ability to think critically and weigh up arguments. I cut down my time on social media drastically, and spent time doing other things (mostly reading a lot of books!) and the difference is night and day. time slows down, there's room to think, you can make your own opinions in your own time without pressure and shaming from warring sides, you get to learn things and make mistakes and correct attitudes without being cancelled or whatever... like damn, nobody should have to go through the natural process of learning and growing in a panopticon where they'll only be remembered as their worst self. I feel desperately sorry for young people growing up in this environment, because it's honestly abusive; nobody has anyone's best interests at heart, they just want gotchas and moral righteousness over any genuine growth and progress.

the problem is that there's no nuance anymore. people honestly seem to believe that the world can be put into strict black-and-white, binary terms. nobody with privilege can suffer, and the less privilege you have, the more ideologically pure you are. this creates so many problems because it's bullshit. suffering does not discriminate, and nor does being a jerk. all of this incredible line-drawing is quite literally recreating segregation: we must all stick to our own "kind" and not doing so is cultural appropriation or being a race traitor, or otherwise "betraying" your community. it's also creating insanely condescending and patronising attitudes, and reinforcing harmful ideas -- I have seen people saying, completely seriously, things like "all womanhood is nothing but suffering," "we should hold Native writers to lower standards than white ones because Native storytelling can't be expected to be as good," "rich people can't be mentally ill/suffer abusive parents," "women can't do loads of stuff because it's too frightening and they're too emotionally volatile to do it," "people should primarily stick only to their own race/interracial relationships are cultural appropriation/inappropriate"... these people do not hear themselves literally taking giant leaps backwards. in the race to deify lack of privilege they are making any meaningful progress impossible. the world cannot fit into simple rules to ensure that morality is easy. the more simple you try to make it, the more deranged it's going to be in practise.

literally everything to do with society has been damaged by this attitude in some way, and said attitude is only becoming more accepted. everyone is in too deep to realise the harm they're doing, led by the outspoken minority who have never been in it for anything other than power and self-righteousness. I have long said that this online brand of leftism is a cult; it has all the hallmarks, and all the issues and criticisms of organised religion apply here. replace the concept of sin with the concept of privilege, and replace the concept of heaven with the concept of ideological perfection, and there you have it. absolutely no difference from the theory right down to the hypocritical way the people who are supposed to benefit the most are treated. this attitude is dragging us rapidly backwards in progress, and the people who practise it are just as brainwashed and idiotic as the thickest Qanon cultist.

thankfully there is a very easy cure. delete that shit, log off, and read widely. these attitudes thrive because they are so prevalent and aggressive that people are bullied or shamed into going along with it; they have no recourse and no way to speak up because they'll be shouted down. this is how the attitude thrives and spreads. separate yourself from it, do your thing, and while you'll never be able to change the minds of the people genuinely committed to this stuff (as at this point it is straight up delusional behaviour) you will be able to prove an alternative for the thousands of people out there who know it's bullshit but don't know where to begin untangling themselves.

for the record, a very, very good place to start is deleting TikTok.

[lyssiesleakedmemos]

Getting started in the industry

TW heavy topics such as Sexual abuse

Real life story

Not erotic but adult themes

Trembling, stomach in knots, only a bra and panties away from being from being completely exposed.. and even that small security blanket was going to be ripped away momentarily. "Breathe" I instructed myself. I braced for the impact of potentially the worst mistake of my life. And clicked, "Go live."

How did I get here?

It feels like a lifetime ago, only taking my first steps of adulthood, already weighed down with the pressure of coming up with a plan. I didn't have money for college, doubted every skill I had, and was recently taken off the medications that may have been the push I needed to be a whole lot more productive job hunting. I had been a legal adult for nearly a year, I was "running out of time." A sentiment I can't even wrap my head around today.

Hurry hurry hurry.

While panicked about my entire future prospects, I did manage to find time to embrace the new freedom and independence that suddenly felt abundant. My upbringing was certainly not strict but days and nights of making my own choices without so much as asking permission was a fucking rush. Party after party. Run from the cops. Repeat.

But it wasn't until the relationship that consumed my life the 4 years prior came to an end that I truly felt the world open up in front of me. Despite adoration from our peers who only saw the best of us and despite my limited experience convincing me that this must just be how some men are.. the truth is I was lying with a monster. It took time to see it for what it was sexual and emotional abuse. But even then, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders leaving. No longer would I be under his control, no longer would my body be close enough for him to touch after repeated pushing him away, no longer would I be the person he came to with his sick confessions of disturbing crimes he'd committed or sought to commit like a burden he gladly gifted me and he'd never have the opportunity to ignore my pleas or break the promise of "I'll never do that to you again."

With the heaviest of shackles broken, everything I CHOSE to do became liberating and quickly that became exploring sexuality on my terms. I started dating Walter, who, for all his flaws, wasn't a monster and was actually quite supportive of exploration and seemed like he was on a journey of his own. More on him later.. but when I came to him with the crazy idea to start Webcam modeling, he not only encouraged me, but he offered up his house as a work space.

I wrestled with the idea for awhile, likely made a pros and cons list if I know myself

Pro: Exciting

Con: Scary

In no time, my account was set up, and I was hyperventilating at my laptop. The first account I used was sketchy, one of those where you had a "manager" who would call you and demand you stream more (which for the record I thought was completely normal). This guy was a character, vulgar, crass, and unprofessional, even for such a profession at the time. He'd come into my streams and beg for free shows or call me and complain about other streamers. It was only a minor bump in the road, and it took no time to get comfortable performing, especially when I made the switch to a different platform. I think I even liked it.. for a job. My days were never short of interesting. My stories were plentiful, and i always felt connected to a world outside of my day to day life. Even the idea of being an adult performer gave me a sense of pride that I think most people in those days couldn't understand.. hell, if modern-day reception to OF girls is any indication, I'd say many still don't. Countless times, I found myself defending my choices in this era, something that may sound like a waste of time but went positively more than you'd expect. The truth is, regardless of your own preferences, most people can't argue with someone doing what they want to do because we all more or less fear losing the freedom to do so ourselves.

Now, the industry has been a part of my life off and on for over a decade, and I can honestly say I get that it's hard to get. There have been moments where I reflect on how much time I've spent solely catering to the male gaze or questioning the line between liberation and objectifican. It's not a simple equation, but I think I learned what the answer is for me.

Walking through life, especially as a female, means guaranteed objectification, leering men and societal pressure to look fuckable. Before ever signing a contract, making a cent or making a CHOICE, someone I was meant to trust took something from me.. so believe me when I say that when people use the menu I've provided for a mutually beneficial service, that difference is clear. Not to mention the power of the freedom to decline and, of course, the block button.

This expectation exists that trauma should make you cower from sexuality moving forward, and sometimes that's what we have to do, but in the end, I gave myself the gift of reclaiming someone that was always mine. I am every bit as sex positive and open as what some might interpret as a marketing scheme, I have built myself a life that allows me me to explore that as one big exhibition.

Someone somewhere is rejoicing in the stroking of their confirmation bias because I followed the often assumed trajectory of Trauma -> Sex work. I used to dispute the comparison because I knew many examples that weren't that case as I met other creators, but rather, the more important point is who does the fault than lie on? To say "this" is a product of "that" is to blame "that" and not "this." You've agreed the problem is abusers and I think that's a good place to start the conversation at least.

I don't regret stepping foot into this industry. Retroactively, I would have told my younger self to wait, learn, and heal more first, but I think I would have always ended up here. Despite everything that more directly brought me here, I'm at my core an entertainer, and if their is a stage, I was going to find it.. who knew it would be a mattress?

[idsb]

I once thought my life was a movie in the worst way. I once had main character syndrome in the most toxic iterations you could imagine it manifesting in. I watched things burn and burn and burn and I figured they would always work out because they always did, and I was me, and they had to. things happened so wildly no writer could've been genius enough to script them. each day was a new adventure. a lot of you watched it unfold. the one where she goes to Australia, the one where she fucks a guy on her friends couch, the one where somehow the fallout of this is funny, the one where she's drinking wine into her webcam and cursing them all for being mad at her and somehow it makes sense to you, the reader. the one where she drives to Florida for a hookup and winds up being paid by a prostitution ring leader laundering money on the run from the FBI (yes, this happened). The one where her roommates kick her out and it actually somehow works out for the best. the one where the toxic friend she was pretty toxic to as well got what. was coming.

the world put character armor around me, and I was its beloved Arya Stark. It stayed this way even through the worst of the pandemic. Somehow in the darkest hour of my life I found love. Somehow, in the darkest hour of my life, the gentlest soul I knew and the only guitarist I worked with who had been too decent a human being to want anything to do with me added his notch into my bedpost, too. And somehow, the girl who's broken heart had half the pieces still splintered across the Pacific Ocean, and the boy who's heart was shattered to pieces over the most insufferable woman alive, who made me borderline hate him as a result, found each other as the world crashed and burned. and we held onto each other as tight as we could as the ashes and rubble poured down around us. It was beautiful.

and then. and then, and then, and then.

this is the part that the people who followed me here don't know. this is when I stopped posting about my life. because we had started having feelings for each other. equally, simultaneously. like snow on the beach. flying in a dream. because the emotional flood gates opened a hundred deep conversations later and it was said, "I can't keep falling for you if I have to worry I'm a character for Taylor Swift fans on Tumblr to root for or turn against". and I said that made sense and it was fair.

so I held all this in. I held it all in and ultimately I think it is destroying my relationship now because it is still there bubbling under everything. because I never processed it. because I have video diaries where I watch it all fall apart. because I have a 4 hour video diary livestream of this going down that I get to sit sick to my stomach with every single time my brain wanders too far because I was in the middle of recording a video diary when it all started and the night became too dramatic as it all unfolded to hit pause, and now I have nothing but the spot where acid rain washed away the story I was the main character of, where it was always building towards something and I always got to win. where it all crumbled and died.

our quarantine pod consisted of 5 people. myself, and a boy I'd semi-illicitly been hooking up with, one tie to my old friend group - the one filled with people I'd backstabbed and hated who kind of backstabbed and probably hated me right back; E, and her 2 best friends, B (f) and N (m).

On my webcam, at home, I am smiling like a giddy schoolgirl. The world is ending and I've just been kicked out of my dream apartment and lost my then-closest friends. But instead of caring I'm nervously wondering if I said too much. Sending a text and throwing my phone across the room and covering my eyes. Reading a text aloud from him that says we're on the same page. A serendipitous bliss so deeply shielded from everything else in the lonely basement I'd moved into. Watching that same page progress into more and more real feelings as the weeks and the pandemic ran on. Burning sweet nothings I hadn't heard the likes of in my whole life into the back of my mind. Thinking I should pinch myself every waking second because how could it all seem so pure and so real when everything in the world was supposed to be so lifeless and black? I started recording video diaries so I could see in past relationships when I was being gaslighted. And I do have that. But mostly I have a fossil of the most hopeful naiveté I will ever have. This is my restaurant.

Everyone saw the chemistry between us. everyone saw the way we leaned on each other. everyone saw the sly looks we gave whenever someone made any kind of sexually suggestive joke. no one knew that I drove back and forth from Massachusetts to New York every other night to see him. No one knew I turned around and snuck into his basement after every hike we all went on together when they all got in their cars. But they knew. They knew.

And then one day, he ran into the ex I mentioned. He said he wasn't phased by this. He went through a literal New Moon Bella 4 month montage over this girl. He was me for Australia over this girl. He was phased. And then, suddenly, a talk about our feelings we were supposed to meet up and have was "accidentally" forgotten about and never brought back up.

And then it started out with a joke. We climbed a mountain one day in June. And B said, "now I have to mount ____ next". and most of us laughed. He laughed. Our other 2 friends laughed. She didn't laugh. I didn't laugh. Convincingly. And then she said it the next day. On the next hike. and the next one. and the next one. I had a panic attack and was dry heaving in our mutual friend E's house because I couldn't even drive anymore because I had so much anxiety from it. Because she was trying to fake the chemistry he and I had, like gently waking someone up by smacking them in the head with a crowbar. It was embarrassing. I later learned everyone talked about it behind her back and agreed it was embarrassing. But I never won anything and I was so deeply fucked up from so much else. I knew it'd bite me eventually. I just had to swim in the trauma induced, self-fulfilling prophecy of paranoia and non-existent self esteem until it did.

And then, on the evening of June 21, 2020, she sent a text in our group chat. "Did you guys know that self timer elevates nudes to the next level?" This was when I was in the middle of recording a video journal. Suddenly the giggles were wondering why he wasn't gripping my hand as tightly anymore. Snippets of written songs I'd soon stop writing about how everyone always leaves when they see enough of me. Blaming myself for saying too much or being too vulnerable when no one could actually ever love me. I specifically said, "if this bitch tries something and puts the final nail in this coffin I am going to backflip out this window, walk my ass back to New York, fling myself into the Hudson River, and die."

Well. She sent the self timer nudes. Right into the fucking group chat. Without anybody acknowledging her or asking for them. The entire concept of subtlety died that night.

I threw my dignity into the fucking dumpster right along with it and sent my own nudes in the group chat to remind him I still existed. I spent an hour painstakingly taking them to tear her self esteem to fucking shreds. my hands were shaking each time I clicked the shutter. I watched N awkwardly try and diffuse the obvious tension by making everyone vote for who took the better picture. He voted for me. I watched him invite her over anyway. in the group chat. I watched her say she was on her way. In the group chat. I told myself they were joking. I spent 2 hours, on video, because like I said I'd left it rolling, telling myself they were joking, believing it less and less as the minutes tick by. I've played it back twice in full since and, watching my state of mind and confidence deteriorate is the hardest thing to watch in the entire fucking world. Brilliance beyond scriptable in a different way that the glory I was used to. The way I have it on camera is a brutal, cinematic masterpiece.

As I spiraled I called the mutual friend in the pod, E. Told her everything. Completely info-dumped on her. It, in the end, ruined our friendship due to the cornucopia of bullshit that stemmed from this. Was hyperventilating on the phone to her for hours still. Until I got a text: "yes, B and I had sex. It was fun. But it wasn't..... I did it because I'm single and I wanted to see what it was like. But it wasn't the same as with you" and then going on and on to say that there weren't feelings there.

Saying you're single but then admitting it's not the same because there aren't feelings. What a filthy, August-coded, literally everything wrong with this day and age-esque thing to say. The authority to cheat on me without having the moral implications of it, really.

I got off the phone with her and I yelled at him and I yelled at the webcam and I sobbed and sobbed for hours more. He got it but I don't know if he really did. Then we went on a roadtrip to spend the rest of lockdown living out of a van with our 2 other best friends or whatever the hell, and the tensions from it and what it did to E's perception of him tore apart that friendship for both of us, and I made myself sick to my fucking stomach every waking moment he was near another girl and sort of made it E's problem but that's sort of.... what friends are for, right? I eventually kept hooking up with him because, well. Because of the same problem I had for all of 2019 and 2020, really. I liked sex and had no self esteem. And as the roadtrip went on I grew to love him.

I was writing a song about how free it felt to hold his hand driving down Santa Monica Boulevard the day before with the sun roof down eating ice cream, crafting a chorus in my head (the hook was "you're a pastel Santa Monica sky and I'm / wildfires flaring in your eyes, whatever it takes to feel alive / just here on the freeway you and I"). It's what was playing in my head when he pulled over in Big Sur. When he told me it all needed to stop because it was too much. Time stopped. I stood on the cliffs looking at the turquoise waters felt all the hope fading from me like it did from the grey clouds lingering over the sky. The salt air whipped by my face and I got the taste of tears even though I was too sad for them to even fall. He was mean as hell to me for 3 days. I cried for those 3 days. Eventually apologized and said he was subconsciously doing it to achieve distance. Then we started having sex again. We had lots of deep conversations rationalizing it all. It all made sense. He wasn't over his ex and couldn't handle this and didn't want to hurt me. But I still cried every day the rest of the trip.

When we were home the first weekend, I felt like his girlfriend. I slept curled up against him while he played video games. We made cookies. The next we didn't even kiss. I have a hundred drafted notes app docs telling him off. Trying to keep track of what was real and what wasn't so I could convince myself the 'on' of it all was my imagination over-doing it, or maybe the bad was. I never became convinced of either. Just more angry and more confused. We went on a trip to Maine and I told him I loved him and we needed to just be together. that I couldn't take it anymore. He said no. This was the first I learned he was openly sleeping with other people the whole time. I absolutely fucking lost it. I thought we were dating all but in name and it was some formalities and my anxiety. Imagine being told to your face you're being cheated on but you're technically not so you have to just say okay. I didn't. I cried for 4 fucking hours - ugly crying, right up in his face, and then was told I overreacted and believed it because I was in love and had low self esteem. He asked if I wanted to know the details. I said no and I wish I hadn't, because maybe I'd have ever felt some more resolve if I did. maybe I knew I'd have gotten SO angry I would've left, and I didn't want to have to. And then instead of having the guts to end it, I, sad and low-self esteem and in love and liking sex, tried to say forget I said anything. He had to be the one to call it off.

We got home and kept in contact and first he then tried to hook up again and I had to say no. then he ghosted me for 2 weeks because this ex hit him up. then, finally, once he got over that, I took him on a trip to stargaze to make up for what happened in Maine. And that's when he said he was ready. And he's been nearly perfect in every single way since that moment.

So, anyway. I'm angry. It's been 2 and a half years and we've spent at least 15 hours of our lives talking about it and are very much in love and yet I'm still viscerally angry if my brain touches any of it with a 10 foot pole. I feel embarrassed to be in a relationship that I'm only in because I had a complete lack of dignity even though so much about that relationship now eclipses all of that a hundred thousand suns over - or it should. I feel robbed of a fairytale ending but I still have a fairytale person. So why do I still feel resentment over this? How do I make it go the ever-loving FUCK away? I'm over it. I want to be over it. I don't want this acid raincloud over me anymore. I want back the perfect story it washed away. It was so much rage and angst and turmoil leading up to the sweetest ending at the middle of the worst of the pandemic and instead it ended in the most anticlimactic melodramatic alternate ending it possibly could've. it should feel like I rode off into the sunset with The One. Because, in the end, that's what I did. So why are we trudging along near a swamp one mile from town? Someone change my fucking perspective like the way only the people on this hellsite can because I'm fucking tired of harboring all of this and I'm tired of wondering if I'm subconsciously causing problems in our relationship because I'm stuck on all of this. I just wanted the happy ending with fireworks and the author just forgot about me and stopped writing. This is all so three dimensional and we're all 3 dimensional people but it's stained across my deeply 2 dimensional world that never got to be resolved like it was supposed to first.