#actually no i can’t figure out exactly how to write down what i wanna say

[fldx2]

[taylor-on-your-dash]

Writing Of 1989 Timeline

1989 changed Taylor's career forever. If Red had just sprinkles of pop sounds, 1989 was marketed as a pure pop album from the get-go.

While many fans and critics kind of expected that, it seems like:

Taylor didn't have a clear direction from the start (except for the cohesiveness): “I wanted it to be a sonically cohesive album, and it ended up really being the first I’ve done since Fearless. I also wanted the songs to sound exactly how the emotions felt. I know that’s pretty vague, so I really didn’t know where it was going to go, but I knew that I wanted to work with the collaborators I had such crazy electricity with on Red, like Max Martin. I wanted to do some things that sounded nothing like what we had done before.”

She knew that she didn't want another Red: “When people say that they like one of my albums, like when people told me that Red was their favorite album I'd done, I didn't take that as, 'So, I should make that again'. I took that as, 'Great, awsome, now I wanna make them like this new album just as much if not more than the last album.' But I want them to like it for different reasons.”

She was worried about the change of direction of her music: “I worry about everything. Some days I wake up in a mind-set of, like, ‘Okay, it’s been a good run.’ By afternoon, I could have a change of mood and feel like anything is possible and I can’t wait to make this kind of music I’ve never made before. And then by evening, I could be terrified of the whole thing again. And then at night, I’ll write a song before bed.”

October 17, 2012: [From a Lover Journal] Taylor writes This Love in LA. This will be the last song produced by Nathan Chapman and the only one recorded in Nashville.

“The last time I wrote a poem that ended up being a song, I was writing in my journal and I was writing about something that had happened in my life – it was about a year ago – and I just wrote this really really short poem. It said, 'This love is good /this love is bad / this love is alive back from the dead / these hands had to let it go free / and this love came back to me.' And I just wrote it down, closed the book and put it back on my night stand […] All of a sudden in my head I just started hearing this melody happen, and then I realized that it was going to be a song.”

Handwritten lyrics:

November 18, 2012: Taylor meets Jack Antonoff and his band, fun., for the first time in Frankfurt, Germany, while at the MTV Europe Music Awards. They bond over 80s music.

January 4, 2013: Taylor is seen in a boat without Harry Styles, ready to return to LA from the Virgin Islands.

She will wear the same dress in the Out Of The Woods music video (and also in Look What You Made Me Do)

January 10, 2013: Taylor tweets "Back in the studio. Uh oh...". She will confirm that the song was All You Had To Do Was Stay on October 27, 2014 on Tumblr.

Candids here;

“There’s a song on my album called 'All You Had To Do Was Stay.' I was having this dream, that was actually one of those embarrassing dreams, where you’re mortified in the dream, you’re like humiliated. In the dream, my ex had come to the door to beg for me to talk to him or whatever, and I opened up the door and I went to go say, 'Hi,' or 'What are you doing here?' or something — something normal — but all that came out was this high-pitched singing that said, 'Stay!' It was almost operatic. So I wrote this song, and I used that sound in the song. Weird, right? I woke up from the dream, saying the weird part into my phone, figuring I had to include it in something because it was just too strange not to. In pop, it’s fun to play around with little weird noises like that.”

January 11, 2013: Taylor is seen again at Conway Studios, likely to continue working on All You Had To Do Was Stay.

January 15, 2013: Taylor posts a picture of herself in the studio, with the caption "Somewhere in LA". She'll later reveal that she was writing How You Get The Girl.

“The song ‘How You Get The Girl’ is a song that I wrote about how you get the girl back if you ruined the relationship somehow and she won’t talk to you anymore. Like, if you broke up with her and left her on her own for six months and then you realize you miss her. All the steps you have to do to edge your way back into her life, because she’s probably pretty mad at you. So it’s kind of a tutorial. If you follow the directions in the song, chances are things will work out. Or you may get a restraining order.”

March 6, 2013: Taylor is seen going to a studio in LA.

March 23, 2013: Taylor posts a picture of herself playing guitar, which might mean that she was working on a new song: "Pre show. Columbia, South Carolina". This could be either Wonderland, New Romantics or a vault song.

May 27, 2013: While in Rhode Island for the Memorial Day weekend, Jack plays Taylor an instrumental track that will later become I Wish You Would.

“'I Wish You Would’ is a song that I wrote with Jack Antonoff and it was the first song we ever worked on together. I think, for this song, we wanted to create a sort of John Hughes movie visual with pining and, you know, one person’s over here and misses the other person but is too prideful and won’t say it. Meanwhile this other person is here and missing the same person; they’re missing each other but not saying it. And I had this happen in my life and so I wanted to kind of narrate it in a very cinematic way where it’s like you’re seeing two scenes play out and then in the bridge you’re seeing the final scene, where it resolves itself. So it says, 'It’s a crooked love in a straight line down, makes you wanna run and hide but it makes you turn right back around.’ It kind of is like that dramatic love that’s never really quite where it needs to be and that tension it creates.”

[Voice Memo Intro Transcript] “This is another way I’ve written songs recently. This is a song I did with Jack Antonoff, and Jack is one of my friends and so were hanging out and he pulled out his phone and goes ‘I made this amazing track the other day. It’s so cool, I love these guitar sounds.’ And he played it for me and immediately I could hear this finished song in my head, and I just said ‘Please, please let me have that. Let me play with it, send it to me.’ And so he sent it to me and I was on tour and this was me playing the track on my laptop recording me singing the vocal into my phone and it ended up being a song called 'I Wish You Would', because Jack wrote back and said ‘I love that’. So this is another way of writing, it’s writing to track.”

[Secret Sessions] “Taylor said that she wrote ‘I Wish You Would’ a couple of months after her and Harry Styles broke up, and they decided to become friends again and she said this was the first time she had become friends with an ex, to the point where they were comfortable enough to talk about why the relationship didn’t work out. She said he told her about how, after they broke up, he bought a house literally one road adjacent to hers. Every day he would drive home, and accidentally turn into her street, and he told her how he just wanted to stop at her house and see her, but he never did. She said this song is about while he was in the car making the decision to get out the car and see her, she was sitting in her bedroom, wishing he would make the move and go back to her and just pitch up at her house. She compared it to a classic John Hughes movie where both parties want the same thing but neither has the guts to say anything. Honestly, she spoke so fondly of that relationship.” [this is from a secret sessioner and therefore it should be taken with a grain of salt]

Between May 28 and June 2, 2013: Taylor writes I Wish You Would. She settled in Rhode Island basically all summer, so it's possible that she went to Jack's studio in New York by car without being seen and especially photographed, cause I couldn't find any pictures with the same outfit. Conway Studios are also credited but it's possible that she recorded background vocals there. Taylor was in LA in late August.

June 7, 2013: During an interview at the CMA Music Festival, Taylor confirms that she has started writing her next album.

[Transcript by me] “[The new album] is starting, all the anxiety is starting and when the anxiety starts, then the writing happens right afterward usually. I like to write for about two years before I'm finished with an album because at this point I kind of know that whenever I read in the first year is going to get away, because I'm going to like it but it's going to sound a little bit like the last project I had, and the second year usually ends up sounding like the next project. So I think at this point I feel like staying the same is the easy way to go but it's not the way that I want to go creatively. I think you need to challenge yourself, I think you need to change up your influences, I think you need to be inspired by different things that you've been inspired by before. It's harder to call people you don't know, it's harder to think of topics you haven't covered and think of new ways to say old emotions that everyone feels. I think one of the things that I'm happiest with in the last year is the acceptance level in country music for me experimenting and for me trying to evolve and challenge myself musically because I think it's never felt better to be on that stadium stage performing knowing that and so welcoming of change.”

July 13, 2013: After a show in New Jersey, Taylor has an interview with Rolling Stone, where she says that she has been writing a lot.

“The floodgates just opened the last couple weeks,” she says of the songwriting process. “I’m getting to that point where I’m irritating to be around because I’ll be with you for half the conversation and then the second half of the conversation I’m clearly editing the second verse of whatever I’m writing in my head. I really loved collaborating: you work with a lot of different people and you find the people you have this dream connection with in the studio. I know those people and I know the ones I want to go back to. But I also have a really long list of the people I admire and I would really love to go and contact. So that’s kind of where that is. I think that the idea of having a different approach to every single one of my albums is so exciting to me. I never want to make the same record twice. Why do it? What’s the point? It’s so overwhelming that when you’re starting a project there are such endless possibilities if you’re willing to evolve and experiment. If you’re willing to become a different version of yourself, you can really go anywhere with it. And that’s kind of where I am. The kind of the laboratory experimental stage of really catching onto a new thing that I’m liking.”

Somewhere around June and early September 2013: Taylor and Jack write Sweeter Than Fiction. No credits are available but we know that it's the second song on which Taylor and Jack worked, so that places it before I Wish You Would and Out Of The Woods.

In 2014, Lena Dunham (Jack's girlfriend at the time) posted this photo of Jack and Taylor working on the song at Jack's house.

September 15, 2013: Jack completes the instrumental track that will later become Out Of The Woods, after his show was cancelled.

[Jack Antonoff] “When I did the track for Out of the Woods, which is a Taylor song that I'm really proud of, there was some issue at a venue and our show was canceled that night and I didn't have my stuff, I had left it on the bus, so I only had these old samples on what was on my laptop, and caught up that 'oh oh'' thing, and I only had one drum kit on there, and these dumb little things sometimes turn into a great song.”

Somewhere around September and October 2013: Taylor writes Out Of The Woods.

Voice memo here;

[Jack Antonoff] Although Antonoff and Swift shared studio time for some of their other 1989 songs while working throughout 2014, “Out of the Woods” was completed as a long-distance collaboration. “She’s very natural -— when she gets an idea, it just happens very quickly. I would send her these tracks, and when an idea would happen, we’d be 5,000 miles apart or whatever, but she would start emailing me these voice notes like crazy and it would just be happening so quickly that there’d be this excitement. There’s a frantic feeling in the song,” he says. “What’s interesting about ‘Out of the Woods’ is that it doesn’t really let up. It starts with a pretty big anthemic vocal sample that’s me, and then there’s a drum sample that kicks in that’s kind of huge, and then you don’t really know how you’re going to get any bigger, but then the chorus hits and it just explodes even larger. And then the bridge hits, and it gets even more huge.“When I was working on the track, I was thinking a lot about My Morning Jacket,” Antonoff continues, “and how everything they do, every sound is louder than the last, and somehow it feels like everything is just f—ing massive. And that’s the feeling that I went for. It started out big, and then I think the obvious move would have been to do a down chorus, but the idea was to keep pushing.” Antonoff is excited to share the rest of his work with Swift on 1989, but he views “Out of the Woods” as a highlight on the project. “This song means a great deal to me. On a production level, on a writing level, Taylor’s lyrics and her melodies — there’s something very important about this song.”

[Jack Antonoff] “After 'I Wish You Would' and 'Sweeter Than Fiction', we did 'Out Of The Woods'. So it was the third thing we worked on together, and probably the easiest. I sent her the track for it, and she sent back a voice note with the verse and chorus in what felt like five seconds. And it was just perfect. It's eerie how similar it is to what the final product is.”

“It kind of conjured up all these feelings of anxiety I had in a relationship where everybody was watching, everybody was commenting on it. You’re constantly just feeling like, ‘Are we out of the woods yet? What’s the next thing gonna be? What’s the next hurdle we’re gonna have to jump over?’ It was interesting to write about a relationship where you’re just honestly like, ‘This is probably not gonna last, but how long is it gonna last?’ Those fragile relationships... It doesn’t mean they’re not supposed to happen. The whole time we were having happy memories, or crazy memories, or ridiculously anxious times, in my head it was just like, ‘Are we okay yet? Are we there yet? Are we out of this yet?’”

“That line is in there because it's not only the actual, literal narration of what happened in a particular relationship I was in, it's also a metaphor. 'Hit the brakes too soon' could mean the literal sense of, we got in an accident and we had to deal with the aftermath. But also, the relationship ended sooner than it should've because there was a lot of fear involved. And that song touches on a huge sense of anxiety that was, kind of, coursing through that particular relationship, because we really felt the heat of every single person in the media thinking they could draw up the narrative of what we were going through and debate and speculate. I don't think it's ever going to be easy for me to find love and block out all those screaming voices.”

October 21, 2013: Sweeter Than Fiction is released. Big Machine was originally not on board with the release since they wanted a dormant period between album releases.

Late 2013: Taylor writes Bad Blood, after Katy Perry announces her Prismatic World Tour.

“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends,or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’ Then last year, the other star crossed a line. She did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational – you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

“That was about losing a friend... But then people cryptically tweet about what you meant. I never said anything that would point a finger in the specific direction of one specific person, and I can sleep at night knowing that. I knew the song would be assigned to a person, and the easiest mark was someone who I didn’t want to be labeled with this song. It was not a song about heartbreak. It was about the loss of friendship.”

October 20 to 22, 2013: Taylor is in Cape Town (South Africa) shooting The Giver. One of the members of the cast is Alexsander Skarsgård. He is said to have inspired Wildest Dreams (or at least he's the most popular theory, as far as I know), because the music video is set in Africa and it features Clint Eastwood's son Scott as love interest, just like Alexsander is actor Stellan Skarsgård's son, but we don't actually know more about the song.

“I think the way I used to approach relationships was very idealistic. I used to go into them thinking, ‘Maybe this is the one – we’ll get married and have a family, this could be forever’. Whereas now I go in thinking, ‘How long do we have on the clock – before something comes along and puts a wrench in it, or your publicist calls and says this isn’t a good idea?’”

Note: Selena Gomez was present when Taylor wrote this song.

Handwritten lyrics:

November 19, 2013: Taylor records Blank Space. This is based on the wall behind her on an Instagram post from this day, the credits, and the behind the scenes clip.

Voice memo here;

Behind the Scenes here;

“Every few years, the media finds something they unanimously agree is annoying about me. 2012-2013 they thought I was dating too much, because I dated two people in a year and a half. ‘Oh, a serial dater. She only writes songs to get emotional revenge on guys. She’s a man-hater, don’t let her near your boyfriend.’ It was kind of excessive and at first it was hurtful, but then I found a little bit of comedy in it. This character is so interesting, though. If you read these gossip sites, they describe how I am so opposite to my actual life: I’m clingy, and I’m awful, and I throw fits, and there’s drama. An emotionally fragile, unpredictable mess. I painted a whole picture of this character. She lives in a mansion with marble floors, she wears Dolce & Gabbana around the house, and she wears animal print unironically. So I created this whole character and I had fun doing it.”

November 21, 2013: While at the American Music Awards, Taylor tells Billboard that she has around seven or eight songs ready.

[Transcript] “We got a lot already,” says Swift. “There are probably seven or eight songs that I know I want on the record. It’s really ahead of schedule for me. I’m just stoked because it’s already evolved into a new sound, and that’s all I wanted. And I would have taken two years to make that happen, but it just kind of happened naturally, so that’s all I could really ask for.”

December 2013: Taylor meets Diane Warren and they write Say, Don't Go.

[Diane Warren to Rolling Stone] Warren, who typically writes on her own, says the two of them “sat down and wrote the song,” which was released Friday as one of 1989 (Taylor’s Version)‘s vault tracks, “from scratch” during the last few days of 2013. She remembers being impressed with how specific Swift was with her lyricism and how considerate she was about how her fans might receive it. “She was very particular about how she said certain things. It was a really interesting experience. She gets her audience,” Warren says. “She’s deeply aware of how her fans want to hear something. I can’t explain it, but that’s probably why she’s the biggest fucking star in the world.”

2013: Taylor writes New Romantics and Wonderland. Not much is known about these songs, except that they were both written in 2013.

[About New Romantics] “People will say, 'Let me set you up with someone', and I’m just sitting there saying, ‘That’s not what I’m doing. I’m not lonely. I’m not looking.’ They just don’t get it. I’ve learned that just because someone is cute and wants to date you, that’s not a reason to sacrifice your independence and allow everyone to say whatever they want about you. I’m not doing that anymore. It’d take someone really special for me to undergo the circumstances I have to go through to experience a date. I don’t know how I would ever have another person in my world trying to have a relationship with me, or a family.”

New Romantics handwritten lyrics:

Wonderland Handwritten lyrics:

January 1, 2014: Taylor records Say, Don't Go.

[Diane Warren to Rolling Stone] Several days after writing the song together, they got into Warren’s office to record a demo, where Swift played it on her acoustic guitar. “We demoed it on New Year’s Day. And I’m a workaholic, and that’s fine for me,” she says. “But I remember being impressed that she did, too. Everybody’s on vacation, but she showed up.”

January 6, 2014: Taylor decides to look for a house in New York.

[Lover Journal] LA. So I've decided I want to look at places in New York. I know I went through this phase months ago, but it has to mean something that i've circled back to it, right? You know what they say, if you love something let it go and if it comes back... blah blah blah. so I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. Dating is awful. Love is fiction/ a myth. I'm over it all.

January 21, 2014: Taylor sends Ryan Tedder the I Know Places Voice Memo.

January 22, 2014: [From the 1989 Booklet] Taylor and Ryan finish and record I Know Places.

“I had this idea of like, when you’re in love, along the lines of 'Out of the Woods’, it’s very precious, it’s fragile. As soon as the world gets ahold of it, whether it’s your friends or people around town hear about it... it’s kind of like the first thing people want to do when they hear that people are in love is just kind of try to ruin it. I kind of was in a place where I was like, ‘No one is gonna sign up for this. There are just too many cameras pointed at me. There are too many ridiculous elaborations on my life. It’s just not ever gonna work.‘ But I decided to write a love song, just kind of like, ‘What would I say if I met someone really awesome and they were like, hey, I’m worried about all this attention you get?’ So I wrote this song called ‘I Know Places’ about, ‘Hey, I know places we can hide. We could outrun them.’ I’m so happy that it sounds like the urgency that it sings.”

January 23, 2014: Taylor and Ryan Tedder write Welcome To New York. Ryan produces a demo in three hours. This demo is the one included in the album.

“I wanted to start 1989 with this song because New York has been an important landscape and location for the story of my life in the last couple of years. I dreamt and obsessed over moving to New York, and then I did it. The inspiration that I found in that city is hard to describe and to compare to any other force of inspiration I’ve ever experienced in my life. It’s an electric city.”

[Ryan Tedder] “I thought we were going to walk in and start something from scratch because that's what I was used to. Then she calls me and says, 'Is it cool if I already have an idea?' I said, 'Sure.' She said, 'I have this song, I'm obsessed with New York and I just moved there, I want to write an ode to New York because no one's done it in a long time.' And then she sent me a voice memo. She's like, 'I want it to sound like the 1980s.' So the next day I brought in a Juno-106, which is a very 1980s keyboard, and I literally programmed that entire song right in front of her. It was very much on the fly, and that song was done in about three hours. And I did the rest of the production I think later that week.”

Handwritten lyrics:

January 26, 2014: Night of the 56th Grammy Awards. Taylor delivers a legendary performance of All Too Well, but loses the Album Of The Year Award to Random Access Memory by Daft Punk. This will prompt Taylor to make a "sonically cohesive" pop album.

[Lover Journal] January 25th. LA. It's the middle of the night and I was at the Clive Davis Party tonight which means... the Grammys are tomorrow. Never have I felt so good about our chances. Never have I wanted something as badly as I want to hear them say 'Red' is the Album of the Year.

“It was the night of the Grammys this year. I remember going home and playing a lot of the new music I had recorded for some of my backup singers and one of my best friends. We were all sitting in the kitchen and I was playing them all this music, and they were just saying, ‘You know, this is very eighties. It’s very clear to us that this is so eighties.’ We were just talking and talking about how it’s kind of a rebirth in a new genre, how that’s a big, bold step. Kind of starting a part of your career over. When they left that night, I just had this very clear moment of, ‘It’s gotta be called 1989.’”

“I woke up one morning at 4 a.m. and I decided the album is called 1989. I’ve been making ‘80s synth pop, I’m just gonna do that. I’m calling it a pop record. I’m not listening to anyone at my label. I’m starting tomorrow. I liked the idea of collaborating. But with 1989 I decided to narrow down the list. It wasn’t going to be 10 producers, it was going to be a very small team of four or five people I always wanted to work with, or loved working with. And Max Martin and I were going to oversee it, and we were going to make a sonically cohesive record again.”

January 2014: Taylor writes You Are In Love. This is actually speculation but it's based on (1) Taylor going to NY in early January and (2) Jack Antonoff confirming that it was the fourth song they did and (3) it's the only Antonoff-produced song that is copyrighted in 2014. Based on the credits, I'm pretty sure that Taylor and Jack worked on the song separately, with Jack recording the instrumental at the Jungle City Studios in NY (which is a studio that Jack used in 2014 to record Bleachers' first album Strange Desire) and Taylor recording the vocals at Conway Studio in LA.

“I wrote it with my friend Jack Antonoff who’s dating my friend Lena. Jack sent me this song, it was just an instrumental track he was working on and immediately I knew the song it needed to be. And I wrote it as a kind of commentary on what their relationship has been like. So it’s actually me looking and going, ‘This happened and that happened, then that happened and that’s how you knew you are in love.’”

“I’ve never had that, so I wrote that song about things that Lena Dunham has told me about her and Jack Antonoff. That’s just basically stuff she’s told me. And I think that that kind of relationship — God, it sounds like it would just be so beautiful — would also be hard. It would also be mundane at times.”

“We first worked on that song together and realized we kind of have a good thing, and the next thing we did was ‘Sweeter Than Fiction,’ which was on the [One Chance] soundtrack, and after that we did ‘Out of the Woods’ and another song called ‘You Are in Love.’

January 26, 2014: At the Grammy's, Diane Warren reveals that she and Taylor wrote a song together (aka Say, Don't Go).

[Transcript] “I worked with Taylor Swift on a great song. I don't even know what she's done [for her next album], I'm excited about the one that we did, it's pretty cool.”

[Billboard 2016 Interview] “I know [Swift] likes it, so hopefully it will see the light of day. I know she really likes the song. She didn’t want me to give it away, so hopefully that means she wants it.”

February 9, 2014: [From the 1989 Booklet] While in London, during the European leg of the Red Tour, Taylor and Imogen Heap write Clean in just 9 hours at Imogen's home studio. Taylor will sing the song just two times.

Voice memo here;

“'Clean' I wrote as I was walking out of Liberty in London. Someone I used to date – it hit me that I’d been in the same city as him for two weeks and I hadn’t thought about it. When it did hit me, it was like, ‘Oh, I hope he’s doing well’. And nothing else. And you know how it is when you’re going through heartbreak. A heartbroken person is unlike any other person. Their time moves at a completely different pace than ours. It’s this mental, physical, emotional ache and feeling so conflicted. Nothing distracts you from it. Then time passes, and the more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying, ‘Hello, beautiful. Good morning.’ You get used to not calling someone at night to tell them how your day was. You replace these old habits with new habits, like texting your friends in a group chat all day, and planning fun dinner parties, and going out on adventures with your girlfriends, and then all of a sudden one day you’re in London and you realize you’ve been in the same place as your ex for two weeks and you’re fine. And you hope he’s fine. The first thought that came to my mind was – I’m finally clean.”

“'Clean' is the last song on the album for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it felt like the complication of this emotional process I’ve been going through for the last couple of years. You know, I feel like my personal life was really, really discussed, and criticized, and debated, and talked about to a point where it made me feel almost kind of tarnished, in a way. And the discussion wasn’t about music. It broke my heart that I had made an album that I was proud of, and I was touring the world, and playing sold-out stadiums, and still they managed to only want to talk about my personal life. At a certain point I felt a switch and it was at the end of recording this album that I began to feel like my life was mine again and my music was at the forefront again. I was living my life on my own terms and I really no longer cared what people were saying about me. That was when I started so see people talk less about the things that didn’t matter.”

“I had this metaphor in my head about being in this house, there’s been a drought but you feel like there’s a storm coming. Instead of trying to block out the storm you punch a hole in the roof and just let all the rain come in, and when you wake up in the morning, it’s washed away.”

[Imogen Heap] “We met at my studio in London. She had the bare bones of “Clean.” She had the lyric, the chorus and the chords. I thought it was brilliant.I was really writing the tiniest amount just to help her do what she does. I put some noises, played various instruments on it, including drums, and anytime she expressed she liked something I was doing, I did it more. It was a really fun day. She recorded all her vocals during that one session. She did two takes, and the second take was it. We always thought she would probably re-record it, because we thought it can’t possibly be that easy. But after we lived with it for a few months, we felt it was great. I knew she loved it. She said she loved it and her mum loved it. But I wasn’t sure it would be included on the album. But everyone felt it had something special. It came together really magically.”

Imogen's detailed blog entry about this songwriting session.

[Taylor about Imogen Heap] “The coolest thing about Imogen for me was that there was no one else in the studio. There was no assistant; there was no engineer. It was her doing everything.”

February 11, 2014: Taylor gets a haircut. (I'm including this for funsies)

February 15, 2014: Taylor, Max Martin and Shellback write Shake It Off.

Voice memo here;

[Lover Journal] LA. This week I've been in the studio with Max and Johan every day and it has been the most creatively successful and fulfilling time. The first day, Johan just made a really up tempo drum beat because we decided we needed something up and light. We worked at it for a few hours before i just started singing "shake it off, shake it off, shake it off" And then the best way i know how to describe it is that the chorus just fell out of the sky. It ended up being this song about doing your own thing even though haters are gonna hate, and you just have to dance to your own beat. We all went home and I wrote the first and second verses and brought them in the next day. We wrote this chanty cheer leader bridge that I absolutely LOVE. We spent all day doing vocals and the next day recording the background vocals. I think it'll end up being the first single and Max said it's his favorite song he's ever been a part of.

[Max Martin during the lawsuit] “Shellback started out with a drumbeat. Shellback, Taylor, and I then collaboratively developed the melody and other lines of ‘Shake It Off’ to Shellback’s drumbeat. I did not write or provide any input into any lyrics in ‘Shake It Off,’ which were written entirely by Taylor.”

“I've had every part of my life dissected – my choices, my actions, my words, my body, my style, my music. When you live your life under that kind of scrutiny, you can either let it break you, or you can get really good at dodging punches. And when one lands, you know how to deal with it. And I guess the way that I deal with it is to shake it off.”

“The message in the song is a problem I think we all deal with and an issue we deal with on a daily basis. We don’t live just in a celebrity takedown culture, we live in a takedown culture. People will find anything about you and twist it to where it’s weird or wrong or annoying or strange or bad. You have to not only live your life in spite of people who don’t understand you, you have to have more fun than they do.”

February 19, 2014: Taylor, Max Martin, Shellback and Ali Payami write Style. This is the last song made for the album.

“I loved comparing these timeless visuals with a feeling that never goes out of style. It's basically one of those relationships that's always a bit off. The two people are trying to forget each other. So, it's like, 'All right, I heard you went off with her, and well, I've done that, too.' My previous albums have also been sort of like, 'I was right, you were wrong, you did this, it made me feel like this' – a righteous sense of right and wrong in a relationship. What happens when you grow up is you realize the rules in a relationship are very blurred and that it gets very complicated very quickly, and there's not a case of who was right or who was wrong.”

“This song is about those relationships that are never really done. You always kind of have that person, that one person who you feel might interrupt your wedding and be like, ‘Don’t do it cause we’re not over yet.'”

[Guitarist Niklas Ljungfelt] “I played on “Style,” a song I started with Ali Payami for ourselves. He was playing it for Max Martin at his studio; Taylor overheard it and loved it. She and Max wrote new lyrics. But I recorded the guitar on it before it was a Taylor song. It was an instrumental. I didn’t have a clue that Taylor would sing on it. The inspiration came from Daft Punk and funky electronic music.”

1989 is officially done!

[Taylor On Ryan Seacrest] “I'm pretty sure after we finished this one I knew the record was done. Shake It Off and Style were the last two songs to be written for 1989.”

February 19, 2014: While on tour, Ryan Tedder produces another three versions of Welcome To New York.

[Ryan Tedder interview] “I was in Switzerland on a tour bus, and I did four versions of 'Welcome to New York,' one of which I liked personally more, but the thing about artists is they become very obsessed with the demo. She was in love with the demo so no matter how hard I fought, she brought it back to the demo, so really what you hear is what I did on the first day.”

March 22, 2014: Billboard reports that Taylor and Ryan Tedder have worked together in LA in January

March 24, 2014: [From a Lover Journal] Taylor moves to New York.

[Lover Journal] So in the last few weeks, I've completely moved into my apartment in Tribeca. That's right, I'm writing this from my new bed in my new place, watching Law and Order with Meredith. Strangely, I've never felt more busy.

May 1, 2014: 1989 Photoshoot (I got this date from an insider)

May 29, 2014: [From a Lover Journal] Taylor chooses another photo for the cover, after having a nightmare of the previous one being not enough.

May 30, 2014: Taylor chooses the album cover.

[Lover Journal] Shanghai. So we got to China at around 2pm and I knew it would completely ruin me if I slept when i got to the hotel, so I decided to work out. WHY IS THIS PEN RUNNING OUT?! Just went to my purse and got my pen. So a crazy story unfolded in the last 24 hours. Last night, I had this vivid dream where the photo I'd chosen for the album cover wasn't good enough, intriguing enough, artful enough. it woke me up. I couldn't shake it and it stayed with me all day. Because that nagging feeling I'd been pushing back for weeks was now confirmed in my gut... it wasn't good enough. I went to the venue, mind racing, wandering if I'd have to do an entirely new photo shoot... I got to my dressing room with newer versions of the "cover" I looked at it and felt nothing. The team pulled up this new scanned file of the polaroids we had taken during the shoot. I saw it within 10 seconds. The shot. The cover. It's a polaroid of me sitting against a beige wall with a blue seagull sweatshirt on. You can see my red lips but the photo cuts off my eyes. For some reason unknown to me it's the most intriguing photo i've seen. I think it's the mystery of not seeing my eyes. Maybe it just looks effortlessly cool. The craziest moment came when something caught my eye. The cover photo is photo 13. I kid you not. I played a sold out show in Shanghai tonight and the crowd was amazing. Tomorrow we go to Tokyo, where they'll have the whole ticker tape parade at the airport. Smile and wave...

Mid To Late 2014: Taylor and Jack write Now That We Don't Talk.

[Tumblr Music] "Now That We Don't Talk is one of my favorite songs that was left behind. It was so hard to leave it behind, but I think we wrote it a little bit towards the end of the process, and we couldn't get the production right at the time. But we had tons of time to perfect the production this time, and figure out what we wanted the song to sound like, and I just think it's, I think it's the shortest song I've ever had. I think it packs a punch. I think it really goes in for the short amount of time we have, I think it makes its point."

Conclusive notes

What 1989 represented for Taylor:

“The 1980s was a very experimental time in pop music. People realized songs didn't have to be this standard drums-guitar-bass-whatever. We can make a song with synths and a drum pad. We can do group vocals for the entire song. We can do so many different things. And I think what you saw happening with music was also happening in our culture, where people were just wearing whatever crazy colors they wanted to, because why not? There just seemed to be this energy about endless opportunities, endless possibilities, endless ways you could live your life. And so with this record, I thought, 'There are no rules to this. I don't need to use the same musicians I've used, or the same band, or the same producers, or the same formula. I can make whatever record I want.'”

“In the past, I've written mostly about heartbreak or pain that was caused by someone else and felt by me. On this album, I'm writing about more complex relationships, where the blame is kind of split 50–50 ... even if you find the right situation relationship-wise, it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work.”

Bonus: Secret Messages

Author's note: I wrote this timeline around 2 years ago. While I found some dates later on, this is 100% my research. If you use this timeline for your posts, research or whatever, PLEASE, credit me! I'd be very thankful. This is 2 years of work.

Links to my other Timelines:

Writing of Fearless Timeline

Writing of Speak Now Timeline

Writing of Red Timeline

My Spreadsheet with a timeline overview

Credits:

Most of the quotes have been copy-pasted from Taylor Swift Switzerland.

Taylor Swift Pictures for the candids.

Heather from Nerdy by Nature for the WTNY handwritten lyrics picture.

[luna-writes-stuff]

Bliss, Robin Buckley

Song link

Fanfic, fem! reader

Mutual pining, fluff

Word count: 1720

Tw: SAPPHICS. Steve is a wingman. One (1) mention of being drugged (Robin S3). Literally, that’s it. Maybe slight homophobia because it’s the 80s, yay!

Summary: You are a regular customer at the movie rental store where Steve and Robin work, but you’ve shown an increasing interest in Robin. Both of you are too oblivious to make a move. Thankfully, Steve is there to fix it.

Buy me a coffee/force me to write more

“Everything about you is how I'd wanna be.

Your freedom comes naturally.”

You were infuriating.

Every little thing about you seemed so perfect. Even those things that could be considered inconvenient or annoying - you were fucking perfect. You were so frustrating. How could she ever focus during work when you were right there? Did you really have to keep visiting the store every two days? Did you really have to keep making conversations with her about literally anything? God, it was starting to get her worked up for no reason.

She would ramble, and it would usually cause people to start losing interest. But you embraced it. You laughed at her and indulged her in whatever she was talking about. You’d nod and add your own quips that weren’t your usual polite ‘oh yeah’ and ‘mhm’. No - you were actually listening to what she was saying. It was terrible.

Whenever you’d walk in, her heart would skip a beat and she’d head to the back, doing a stupid jump and trying to contain her gigantic smile. She’d have to ignore Steve’s stupid teasing looks. She’d have to try to not lean over the counter and just force you into her embrace. She’d have to pretend as if your gentle touch on her shoulders wasn’t the most invigorating thing ever.

“Everything about you resonates happiness.

Now I won't settle for less.

Give me all the peace and joy in your mind.”

And there you stood again. That same stupid smile on your face as you placed the used tape on the counter. She had to force her breathing down to seem like a normal person as she tried to do her job professionally.

“Was it a good movie?” She asked as she took the tape, running it through the system before checking it out under your name. “I loved it.” You answered, watching her work, her eyes shooting from the screen to your figure continuously. A nervous chuckle came from Robin as she looked at the title: “I saw this one in the theatres. When it just came out.” “Really?” You gasped. “Yup,” she laughed. “Can’t remember much of it because I was so drugged.”

Her smile immediately dropped as she spoke the words without thinking about them. Her hands stopped working as she turned to face you, an apologetic look on her face. “I’m so sorry.” “It’s okay.” You dismissed, offering her that comforting smile. It didn’t make you uncomfortable. Something about the way she spoke made it impossible to grow uncomfortable with her.

“Like,” she tried to continue. “I was drugged on glee, you know? Because the movie was so good. And Jennifer Parker was like so hot-“ Again, she stopped her sentence, recovering much quicker than she even realised: “I mean, she was so good! A great character, and she wasn’t even in the movie so much, but I would have loved to know more about her. About her character.”

A second nervous chuckle left her as she turned back to the screen stiffly. From where you were standing, you could see her head shake lightly, and you couldn’t suppress the keen grin growing on your face at the adorable sight of it.

“Everything about you, pains my envying.

Your soul can't hate anything.”

“She was cool.” You agreed absentmindedly. “Yeah,” Robin mumbled. “But Marty was attractive too.”

You frowned at her words, a gesture that went unnoticed by her, but not by Steve. Nor were the subtle words following your look.

“Not exactly my type.”

“No?” Robin mused, placing the tape in an empty basket before turning back to you. Her face seemed to light up slightly, and that familiar giddy feeling made it’s way back into the pit of your stomach. “I mean, I get it. He isn’t really mine either.” She rambled, scrambling for the receipt before handing it to you. “Uhm, here you go.”

You couldn’t stand the silence that followed. You liked hearing her talk. And you had no places to be just yet. “Any movies you can recommend?” “Uhm,” The girl hesitated, scanning the store with a quick view. Steve noticed his friend freezing. She wasn’t looking at anything - she was trying to come up with a good answer. But he wasn’t going to let this whole debacle go as quickly as Robin might have.

“Everything about you is so easy to love.

They're watching you from above.”

“Looking for a movie with people who are good on the eye? I know a bunch of handsome fellows.” He began to hint, wiggling his eyebrows in a manner that made you internally cringe at the secondhand embarrassment. You pushed the feeling down, offering him a polite smile.

You knew Steve. You actually came for Robin every so often, but she’d be busy at times and Steve tried to take over. He was really sweet and kind, but would sometimes make some comments that made you hesitant to reply. It was difficult to judge his character.

“No, thank you,” you dismissed. “Not really my thing.” “Not?” Steve returned with a smile. “What about Phoebe Cates?” Then, he pointed towards a display at the beginning of the store, decorated with Christmas bells. “Got Gremlins right there.” He then leaned over the counter, nodding as if to emphasise his point: “She’s very good on the eye.”

“Ignore him, please.” Robin interrupted, shoving her co-worker to the side. “Return To Oz?” She offered, spotting the little ad on one of the televisions in the far corner of the room. Your face lit up at her suggestion. “Oh, good choice!” “You know, if you like this one, I’ve heard a lot of good things about this new movie in town. Labyrinth, I think it was called.” She ranted. “It has David Bowie.” “Oh, I love Bowie!” “Me too!” She shared enthusiastically. “That’s so funny. I was talking with Steve about it, but he doesn’t want to see it. I think he’s threatened by Bowie.”

“Give me all the peace and joy in your mind.

I want the peace and joy in your mind.

Give me the peace and joy in your mind.”

This was your chance for a first move. Steve was difficult to place, but Robin wasn’t. Be that as it may, you were still cautious. There were plenty of people out there who’d have a lot of colourful words to exchange with you. You really liked Robin, but the last thing you wanted to do was scare her off.

But friends went to the movies all the time, right? You could always justify it in one way or the other.

“We could go together.” You spoke, no longer giving yourself more time to doubt. “Yeah,” Robin laughed, not having really understood you. When you didn’t laugh with her, her eyes widened: “Wait, really?” “Why not?” You shrugged, feigning confidence. “You’ve given me so many great recommendations. And I like our talks.”

“Yes,” she answered quickly. “I mean yes. If you want to, I’d go.” “She could go now.” Steve smirked. “Her shift’s ending.” “Really?” “No,” Robin denied, but then she saw Steve’s face. He rolled his eyes to the back, giving her a subtle nod. “Yes,” she changed. “Yes, my shift is ending soon. Will you give me five minutes?” “Sure, yes, of course!” You nodded eagerly. “I’ll wait right here.” “Great!” She called. “I’ll be right back.”

And with that, she had disappeared to the back of the store.

“Everything about you resonates happiness.

Now I won't settle for less.”

An awkward silence came as Steve stared at you, something unknown glinting in his eyes. “Phoebe Cates, huh?” He voiced. You nodded once: “You’re a big Cates fan?” “Well, she’s really hot.” He deadpanned. Without even thinking, you mumbled a brief ‘that’s true’ under your breath. You didn’t think he’d caught it. But he did.

“So, like, what’s your type?” He continued. “I’m sorry,” you chuckled uncomfortably. “I’m sure you’re really nice-“ “No, not like that,” he interrupted, wildly shaking his head before pointing to himself. “I’m seeing someone right now.” Then, he waltzed back up to the counter. “I’m not asking for me.”

You had no reason to properly answer him. You didn’t even know him that well. You just knew his name and the fact he worked with Robin. But if you were to make a move, now was the perfect moment: “Someone funny.” “Robin’s funny.” He added almost immediately.

“Yes,” you sighed, not oblivious to his innuendos. If he was making them, surely he wouldn’t mind. And something in this moment seemed to spark confidence and trust in you. Thus, you resumed: “But I don’t think a lot of people would be happy with that.”

Steve’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, his smile only widening: “So, you’re saying there’s a chance.”

“Give me all the peace and joy in your mind.

I want the peace and joy in your mind.”

That’s it. You shouldn’t have told him. This was an awful idea. How could you have been so stupid?

“Listen, just between the two of us, you’d be cute together. Don’t tell Robin I said that.” And just like that, your train of thoughts ended. He didn’t just say what you thought he said. “She likes banana shakes. If you’re going to the cinema, get her one. She would kill for them.”

Flabbergasted, you blinked rapidly, looking at his relieved figure. “I thought you two were a thing.” You muttered. “Oh, no. No, don’t get me wrong, Robin’s cute but no,” he laughed. “No, I think you’re more her type.” You were at total loss for words when you heard his words, your mouth hanging half open as you tried to process everything. “Get her that shake and talk about something other than movies for once.” Then, he turned around, announcing Robin’s figure leaving from the back: “There she is! You two have fun!”

You awkwardly made your way out of the store, waiting for Robin to follow you. She looked at you with an unreadable expression. Somewhere between worry and sorrow. “What did he tell you?” You decided to not tell her just yet. Well, not the whole truth. “Something about you and banana shakes.” “Oh,” she sighed.

“I love banana shakes.”

“Give me the peace and joy in your mind.”

[artful-aries]

Hiii again :D how are you doing? ,-, i hope you're doing well!!!!

My school finally ended and im free- so i was wondering if i can request for some hcs if your okay with it :>

Ive been having this idea for awhile now so, how about Xiao, Zhongli and Cyno with a s/o who avoids conflict? Like, whenever a conversation is slowly heading towards an argument they'll try to end it quickly and whenever a fight is going on they suddenly go quiet due to past traumas

Its up to you whether you wanna write it or not, but make sure to not overwork yourself and thanks for your time :] <3

I’m glad you’re out on break!! I have unfortunately been working my ass off for a promotion that should be finalized in the oncoming weeks, so needless to say I’ve been busy. At any rate, I hope you enjoy! This could be read as platonic if you squint

How They Are With An Argument Avoidant S/O (Xiao, Zhongli, Cyno)

Xiao

If you end an argument before it starts, it will actually take Xiao a little while before he notices the behavior. He thinks that you just finally understand his point and agree with him, rather than just saying whatever will stop the argument from escalating

Socializing isn’t his forte, so picking up on human social cues is quite a task for him. He can tell you’re nervous, that much is obvious by the way your breathing picks up, the way your eyes can’t seem to stay on him for too long, and your heart will be beating slightly harder. He knows this, yet he’s not sure exactly why, and can’t connect the dots. You’ve been nervous around him before and told him it was just because of your attraction to him, so when he notices these things he thinks it’s the same as what you told him before

It’s not until the day you aren’t quick enough to end the argument, when his tone gets sharper with you and you go silent that he discovers the issue in the first place

Even though Xiao knows something is wrong, he has the misfortune of not knowing how to be tactful about it. He will likely just bluntly ask you why you’re quiet, his tone neither gentle or comforting

Obviously, this makes the situation worse, and he’s confused as to why you seem to clam up even more, or in the event that he actually makes you cry, he’s extremely shocked

He’ll stay still as a statue, staring you down like his life depended on it as he tries to think about what he knows of humans to explain why you’re suddenly behaving this way. The fact that he can’t figure it out stresses him, which inadvertently makes him glare at you

If you keep trying to brush this aside and act like everything is fine Xiao will get very irritated with you. Why are you lying to him, and to his face no less?

At the sight of your tears he will do one of two things; either he will leave immediately, or will straight up ask you if you’re afraid of him. Most of the time he will go with the first option, as he often sees himself as some tainted beast with his karmic debt, but under the right circumstances he will feel the compulsion to ask, even though he’s afraid of how you might answer

If you say that you’re scared of him it’ll break his heart, and he will remain stony faced as he simply nods and leaves. If you reassure him that you aren’t scared of him, he will be very relieved, but won’t show it other than a slight tension leaving his shoulders

Xiao isn’t going to dig in much further on your feelings unless you volunteer the information, but he will try to find a way to get you to relax, whether that’s awkwardly asking if you want to share almond tofu with him, or giving you a slightly hard pat to your head to give you comfort

He might not completely understand your reaction, but he does have enough sense to connect the dots and tries not to raise his voice or sound too mean during arguments. Xiao isn’t always successful, but the attempt is there

Zhongli

After millennia of watching humans, the former Archon is pretty observant when it comes to reading subtle emotions and changes in demeanor of people, and you are certainly no exception

With the first few arguments that you go out of your way to deescalate, Zhongli will quietly let you do so, but don’t think for a second that he doesn’t know what you’re doing.

He wants to give you the chance to work your way out of this habit on your own. Humans are capable of so much growth and change in such a short amount of time, and he doesn’t want to feel like he is meddling with that. To him, it’s preferable that you come into your own and develop beyond this habit you have clung to for who knows how long

As long as the arguments aren’t serious, he will continue to let you fall back into your habit, waiting on you to feel comfortable enough to have a normal disagreement with him rather than backing down at the first sign of conflict. It’s only when he feels very strongly about the discussion that he’s trying to have with you that he will confront you on your behavior

Even when arguing he’s never been one to raise his voice or seem threatening, but when you once again try to take the easy way out he will fix you with a stern gaze and ask you why you always seem to shy away from tough discussions with him

If his intensity seems to intimidate you, he’ll softly sigh and ask you to join him for tea, but if it gets you to open up about why you don’t like arguing his expression will soften, and he will pull you into a hug if you’ll let him

Whichever route is taken, he is sure to reiterate that you are completely safe with him, and that no harm will come to you so long as he is alive. Zhongli isn’t naive enough to think that this will solve the problem, but he knows you need to hear it nonetheless

Be prepared to be sat down for a long, extensive talk with him. He’ll make sure it doesn’t sound like he is lecturing you, but it’s important to him that you feel comfortable in this relationship to argue with him. As he will so eloquently put it, “What is a canyon without the river to erode it?”

Zhongli desperately wants you to see arguments as something as inevitable yet mundane as a rolling thunderstorm, and not something cataclysmic like a typhoon. They are a natural part of interpersonal relationships, and he doesn’t want you to fear that form of intimacy with him

He will be one to effectively communicate and help you overcome your aversion to more tense discussions, gently getting you out of your comfort zone until one day you find yourself not feeling dizzy at the sight of his brows that are furrowed at you, you don’t feel ill when Zhongli frowns disapprovingly at what you said. Before you had even realized it, arguing with him just felt like arguing with an extension of yourself

He won’t say anything when he sees how much you’ve changed, but when he watches you argue with him there’s a light in his eyes that wasn’t there before. He’s proud of you.

Cyno

He’s one who is aware of how he could come across before he even knows of your aversion to arguments. Despite how serious he gets with work, he always does his best to not take that energy home with him, but some of that is bound to bleed over eventually

He might write off your dismissive, avoidant behavior the first time, but come the second time when you once again keep your head down and just mumble words of appeasement he will not have it

Cyno will cross his arms across his chest, and flatly ask why you seem to just be agreeing with whatever he says like he’s your boss. He loathes the thought of you behaving like everyone else in the Akademiya. He wants to just be Cyno to you, not the General Mahamatra

When his sternness seems to put you more on edge, he will attempt to make a pun about whatever it was that you were arguing about in an attempt to get you to at least relax a little. If it works, he will be relieved and ask you to not be afraid of sharing your thoughts even if they oppose his own

If making a joke seems like poor timing or if it doesn’t get a smile or laugh out of you, Cyno will frown a little and study you intently, trying to figure out how to approach this sensitive subject. In the end, he’ll settle on asking you if you want him to leave you alone for a while or if you want to have a discussion

Even if it hurts his feelings a little to leave you alone, he won’t show it as he’ll give a silent nod and stay out of your way for a couple of hours before checking back in on you. Though he would prefer to discuss things immediately, he loves you too much to push you

When it comes time to sit down and talk with you, only one question burns in his mind: Why did you seem to be scared of him? Regardless of what you tell him, he will listen without interjection, and will make sure to keep any emotions under control while you express your feelings

Whether it is his fault or not, Cyno can’t help but feel guilty. Perhaps if he didn’t come across so seriously most of the time, then maybe you wouldn’t have felt this way about arguing with him. He’s not one to dwell on his regrets, and will immediately ask what he can do to make things better for you

Your wish is his command, and whatever you suggest Cyno will make sure he fulfills it the next time you two have an argument. The last thing he wants is to instill fear into you, and will do absolutely anything to keep you from feeling uncomfortable or afraid

[drabbles-mc]

All For Nothing

Angel Reyes & F!Reader

For Day 18 of @whumpril's 2023 Challenge: abandoned

Warnings: 18+, angst, language

Word Count: 2.6k

A/N: The way that I went into this thinking I was going to write an EZ fic and then somehow, somewhere along the way it turned into an Angel fic. I'm not upset about it but my how the turntables.

Angel Reyes Taglist: @buckybarneshairpullingkink @lilacyennefer @justreblogginfics @rosieposie0624 @queenbeered @littlekittymeow @thesandbeneathmytoes @garbinge @kelpies-shed @beardburnsupersoldiers @louisianalady @gemini0410 @frattsparty @amorestevens @withmyteeth @winchestershiresauce @nessamc @narcolini @mijagif @choochoo284 @fanfic-n-tabulous @artemiseamoon @passionatewrites @justazzi (If you want to be added to any of my taglists, please let me know!)

You’d spent weeks trying to get Angel to take you Stockton to visit EZ. It wasn’t exactly a short drive, and truth be told it wasn’t a place that you really wanted to go by yourself. Every week you would ask him, and every week he would come up with a different reason why he couldn’t go.

“Do you even care?” you finally snapped one day.

It got Angel to stop in his tracks. Suddenly the juice that he had been so interested in pouring into his glass was no longer holding his attention. He slammed the carton down much harder than necessary. You knew that it was a low blow, and a question that you had no right to ask, but you were so sick of getting blown off because of excuses so thin that you could see through them without squinting.

He shook his head at you, jaw hardened. “Watch your fuckin’ mouth.”

It was the meanest he’d ever sounded with you and it set you back on your heels. You nodded as you tried to pull your words back together, the look on his face having caused them to scatter. You sighed, looking down at the floor for a second before looking back up at him. “Sorry.”

He sucked his teeth, shaking his head. “You know I fucking—”

“I know,” you cut him off, your tone genuinely apologetic as you said, “and I’m sorry. That, that was fucked up. I shouldn’t have…”

He stood there silently for a few seconds after your voice trailed off. You were wondering if he was going to tell you to get the hell out of his place. That was usually how the discussion ended. He always found a way to say it somewhat nicely, but every week when you showed up, you always left empty-handed.

“Why do you wanna go so bad, anyway?” he finally asked as he put the carton of juice back in the fridge.

The question gave you pause—it felt like the answer to it was glaringly obvious. Instead of giving a straight answer, you flipped the question back on him. “Why don’t you? Don’t you…” you tried hard to pick your words carefully, “Don’t you miss him?”

He frowned for a moment. “’Course I miss him”

“Then why won’t you go with me?”

He couldn’t meet your eyes as he tried to figure out the best way to answer that question. He busied himself with taking a sip from the glass he’d just filled, his gaze flitting everywhere that kept him from having to look you in the eyes.

Finally, he looked at you, hands still fidgeting with the glass in his hands. “The fuck am I supposed to say to him? He’s,” he shook his head, “he’s lookin’ at twenty years, and you want me to just go in and? What? Talk to him about the fucking weather?”

You frowned. It wasn’t that you didn’t understand where Angel was coming from, but in your head it wasn’t a good enough reason to not go. How were they supposed to figure any of it out if he never showed up?

“You’re right,” you started, and you could see it on his face that he wasn’t expecting you to say that, “he is looking at twenty years.” You stepped in a little closer to him. “All the more reason to make sure you actually go and see him. You can’t,” you caught yourself, “we can’t just abandon him in there because it’s uncomfortable to show up.”

The hurt look on Angel’s face let you know that he could see you were right. It didn’t mean that he was going to cave to it easily. He sniffed, shaking his head slightly. “If it means that much to you, I’ll give you my fuckin’ keys and you can take my car up there yourself.”

“Angel—”

“No,” he stopped you short. Stepping in closer to you, he made himself a little taller, a little more intimidating. “You wanna go and see him? Fine. No one is stopping you. But don’t,” he shook his head, “don’t make this my fucking problem too.”

“But—”

“If he wanted me there,” his voice became sharper and sharper with every word, “he’d fucking tell me.”

“And how is he supposed to do that?!” You stepped in, putting yourself as close to chest-to-chest with him as you were able. “That’s your brother.”

“And he’s your, what, again?” he snapped. “Remind me?”

That stung in a way you hadn’t been expecting. “Fuck you.”

“Get out,” he said, nodding towards the door.

“What?”

“Fuckin’ leave.” He pointed with his hand this time, adding extra emphasis.

You did as he said, knowing that you weren’t going to get anywhere with him. You slammed the door behind you as you left, not sure if you were slamming it because of Angel, or because of the whole entire situation. None of it felt fair. None of it was fair. For a moment you wondered if you would be better off if you acted like Angel, just trying to turn a blind eye to it all and pretending that everything was normal. You just didn’t have that in you.

So you finally took matters into your own hands and made the long trek to Stockton with just the radio to keep you company. You discovered that there were quite a few stretches of highway that got next to no radio reception at all, so it was just you and the static from the speakers. If your mind hadn’t already been so loud, the near-silence would’ve driven you insane.

Once you were there, the last thing that you wanted to do was sit back down again. But that’s exactly what you were instructed to do once you’d made it through the very tight security of the Stockton County Correctional Facility. The waiting area wasn’t as packed as you thought it would be, which made you sad in a way. Clearly Angel wasn’t the only family member who didn’t care to make the time to show up.

Minutes kept ticking by, and you could feel yourself becoming restless. You tried not to fidget around too much, or look too nervous. You didn’t want to make it seem like you were anxious because you were doing something wrong. Some of the other people in the waiting area left to go visit whoever they were there for. You watched people come and go while you simply sat there in limbo waiting for your name to be called. A few different times you looked over at the man who was sitting behind the desk closer to the exit, and then over at the two correctional officers who were by the doorway that led to the actual visiting area. No one was making eye contact with you, and you didn’t want to walk up and start asking questions.

Finally, one of the guards walked over to you. “Sorry, Miss, but we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

Your heart dropped into your stomach. “Wh-what? Did, did I do something wrong?” If there was something that you could fix, you’d do whatever they asked. They couldn’t just send you away, not when you’d already made it all the way there.

He shook his head, not sounding upset but not sounding overly sympathetic, either. “You didn’t. But you need to go.”

“Is EZ okay?” you asked, panic making your blood start to run cold. “Did something happen to him?”

“I can’t—”

“Please,” you cut him off even though you knew that you shouldn’t. “Why can’t I see him?”

You must’ve looked more pitiful than you thought, because for a moment the man’s face seemed just a little less jaded and unkind. It was a fleeting moment but it was long enough to convince him to tell you, “Said he doesn’t want to see you.”

“Oh.” You hated how fucking sad and pathetic you sounded, especially to this guy of all people.

You tried not to think about the tears that were quickly gathering in your eyes as you grabbed your bag and stood up from your chair and started to make your way towards the door to leave. Getting out was a much faster process than getting in, especially when you hadn’t even gone in to actually see anyone.

The drive back home felt far longer than the drive out had. It felt like you had been crying for the entirety of it, but you knew that that wasn’t true. You still found it hard to believe that your body hadn’t run out of tears yet. Mile after mile of road disappeared beneath you but it still felt like you weren’t going fast enough. You couldn’t outrun the feelings that were clawing away at you.

You didn’t know how you ended up parking back at Angel’s. When you left, you had every intention of going home, flinging yourself onto your bed, and crying yourself to sleep. But somehow you ended up back here. You were about to just keep on going, or even just finally allow yourself to pass out in your car. You didn’t really want to see Angel, not with the way the two of you had left things, not with how things had played out with EZ. All of the lights looked like they were off anyway, so even if you went and knocked on his door he probably wouldn’t answer.

Your hand was hovering above the gearshift, trying to figure out if you were going to put your car back in drive. It was only then that you noticed the way that your hand was trembling, and once you noticed that, it was like the floodgates opened back up instantly. Tears spilled over onto your cheeks, sobs forcing their way past your throat as you dropped your face into your hands. Your whole body was shaking as you cried, like there were so many feelings in you that you simply just couldn’t physically contain them.

Time was irrelevant as you sat there hunched over in the driver’s seat of your car. Your face stayed planted in your palms, the rest of the world completely tuned out despite the fact that you weren’t even at home.

The sound of someone rapping their knuckles against the glass of your window caused you to scream, jumping and pulling against the seatbelt that was still strapped across your chest. All of the sadness that you had just been drowning in was instantly pushed to the backburner as your heartrate skyrocketed.

Turning to see who it was, some of the anxiety drained out of you when you came face to face with Angel. He was leaning against the side of your door, one arm braced against the top of the frame as he used the other to knock. His hair was a mess, eyes letting you know that you either woke him up when you pulled in, or he’d woken up randomly in the middle of the night and just so happened to see your car out front.

He nodded towards the door. “Come on.” He pulled your car door open for you. “Don’t just sit out here all night like some kind of PI or some shit.”

The comment got a weak smile out of you as you undid your seatbelt. Grabbing your bag from the passenger seat, you got out of the car, not in any great rush to shut and lock the door behind you before following Angel. He didn’t say anything else as the two of you walked, you just one small stride behind him. You were a little thankful for that in a way, but you knew that the silence wasn’t going to last forever.

You found yourself standing in his living room, bag clutched tightly to your side as you stood there unsure of what you were supposed to do now. It wasn’t as though you spent a lot of your free time here, especially not at this hour, especially not after the blowout the two of you had had in the morning. Nothing about this was within the scope of your routine.

“Next time,” Angel said as he walked to the kitchen to get coffee for each of you, “just come up and knock.”

You shifted your weight from one foot to the other. “I didn’t, um,” you wiped at the stray tears on your face, “I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”

He scoffed, shaking his head as he poured coffee into the two mugs he’d gotten out. “You know what time it is? I don’t wanna see anybody right now.”

You accepted the coffee as he handed it to you, grateful for something warm and inviting after how your entire day had gone. It wasn’t enough to fix it, but at least it wasn’t another thing going wrong. Angel watched as you took a slow sip.

“How was the trip?” he asked, even though the answer seemed fairly obvious.

“Think I’d be crying my eyes out to you if it had gone well?”

He exhaled sharply through his nose, still too drowsy to muster up a real laugh. “Yea.” He took a few steps and sat down on the couch, too tired to keep standing. “Wanna…you know…talk about it?”

You shrugged, shaking your head. “We don’t have to. I know you don’t, you know…”

“Then why’d you come here?” The question wasn't accusatory like so many other statements he’d thrown at you over the last few weeks. He sounded genuinely curious.

“I don’t know,” you told him honestly. You stepped over and sat down next to him on the couch. “I just sort of ended up here.” He nodded in response but didn’t say anything else. There was a long stretch of silence before you finally caved and said, “He wouldn’t let me see him.”

Your voice was so soft and sad that Angel almost didn’t catch what you had said. Once he heard it, though, and realized the weight of it, his face softened. Normally you wouldn’t want his pity, but right now it was the closest thing you had to comfort.

“Shit,” he said, tucking his chin down to his chest. “I’m sorry.”

You shrugged. “Not your fault.” Sniffling, you looked down at the mug of coffee in your hands. “You’re the one who said it wasn’t a good idea.”

You didn’t expect the soft bewilderment in his voice as he said, “I didn’t think he’d do that to you.” The statement hung in the air for a moment before he let out a sigh. “So much for him being the one feeling abandoned, huh?”

That got a sad laugh out of you that you hadn’t been expecting. Meeting his eyes, you shook your head, managing a tiny smile as you told him, “You’re the worst.”

“Hey,” he took another sip of his coffee, “you came to me, so, y’know.” The two of you shared a tired laugh before he let out a deep breath. “Wanna crash here?”

You nodded. “That okay?”

“Yea.” He stood up, trying to stretch and also manage to not spill his coffee. “Let me grab you some blankets and shit.”

You felt your body relax at that, the prospect of not having to get back in your car again and drive home, the prospect of not having to be alone after a day that had left you feeling more lonely than you thought you were capable of.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” He saw the way you nodded and he said, “Nah, seriously. I don’t want other people thinkin’ they can show up in the middle of the night to my place cryin’ and shit.”

You laughed quietly. “I won’t say anything.”

He gave you a nod at that, and you could see the smirk that was curling the end of his mouth. Despite the heaviness that was still lingering in your chest, all of the questions and emotions that you were going to have to try and sort through, for the moment things felt manageable. And that was the best you could hope for.

[sorikkung]

good boy gone bad | 27

bad bitch lessons, a.k.a the "audition"

wc: 4.8k

a/n: my god we're FINALLY BACK after half a years unofficial hiatus because i forgot how to write <3 on god i wrote this chapter 4 times and its not my favourite still but im not writing it a 5th and i like it Enough so i hope yall enjoy it too SDFGKJSFD we should be able to pick up the pace quickly with normal smau chapters soon :) thank you all for waiting!!!

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Having a dozen men all crammed in a one-man studio apartment is about exactly as cramped as it sounds. How you wish you could have had one of those more spacious studio apartments, complete with floor to ceiling windows, a proper kitchen, and a living room. For now, you will have to settle for six men sitting on your bed, Wooyoung sitting on Yeosang's lap at your desk, Chan and Felix standing in the bathroom doorway after washing the dye and bleach out of their hair, and Hongjoong standing ominously in the corner, pouting after realising the “fake” in the “fake punk polycule” included the punk part, and not just the polycule.

You make do.

Describing exactly the kind of character you want them to play is the easy part – cocky, brash, sleazy and obnoxious are the names of the game, and if everyone absorbed your in-depth explanation as much as Seonghwa has been diligently typing it down on his phone, you think this should be a breeze. The next part of the plan is to see them in action and test their wits — in other words, time for them to audition.

By whatever miracle, you are able to explain the auditioning process without tipping off the others to you and Wooyoung’s little deception – he catches your eye during the explanation and gives you a grateful wink – and set up the scene for your improvisation game. These boys need practice, as too much unfamiliarity will be far too apparent on the day, and it’s already going to be a tough sell to prove that you managed to pull twelve boyfriends. You damn well might be in over your head with this one, but you are in too deep to pump the breaks now.

“Basically, I need you all to show me what you can do. Cause if your acting does not cut it, I’m gonna be the laughingstock here and my back-up plan is probably arson.”

Beomgyu snorts from his spot on your bed. “I think arson is a pretty good back-up plan.”

“Pretty good except for the criminal charges, yeah. So, time to partner up! Who’s got the balls to go first?”

Seonghwa blinks a few times, looking at his phone, then looking back up at you in confusion. “Why is your back-up plan arson?”

“I’ll go first!”

Saved by the bell, Yeonjun pipes up just in time to avoid another hasty bluff to throw the aspiring actor off your tail, and you have no idea if he did that on purpose but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth either way.

“Perfect, who do you wanna do it with? For the first scenario, I’ll play my dad.”

“I can-“ Hyuka speaks up, but you notice Soobin tugging on his sleeve and freezing in alarm at all the eyes on him, and it seems to make Hyuka hesitate as well. There’s an obvious tension there that you can’t quite place the origins of, but judging by the way Wooyoung is excitedly biting his nails, you figure you can pry later. “Um. Uh-“

Yeonjun smiles at them apologetically, then turns back around to you. “Actually, I was hoping you’d be my partner for this.”

He says those words like he intends for them to linger, and you figure after how forward he’s been so far coming onto you that he means it, but you don’t want to throw Felix under the bus like that after he begged you to bring him along so he could shoot his shot with the man, so you try not to indulge him too much.

“Oh.” You try to ignore the way that makes your face heat up. “Sure, okay. Yeosang, you play my dad, act really judgemental and pissy at us.”

Yeosang wrinkles his nose. “I don’t want to be your dad.”

You were hoping he would say that.

“Perfect! You already know your lines. Annnd, action!”

His disgruntled expression is honestly quite fitting for the role you just cast him in, and Wooyoung stands up to instinctively take what you assume is the role of your mother as he leans on the backrest of your desk chair to mutter to him, “I cannot believe him right now. Does he really think crashing the wedding with all his friends will do him any favours? If only he’d just settled down with a nice girl…”

Yeonjun stares the couple down, then takes a confident step towards you; that’s about as far as he gets before he visibly falters. You raise a brow at him.

“That’s your cue, Yeonjun. If they’re talkin shit, it’s time to act up.”

He fidgets with his sleeves, posture shrinking in on himself, and suddenly his striking appearance and features look far less intimidating than they did just a moment ago. “Um. Well. I should first probably uh… ask. How far I’m meant to go with this?”

You get the feeling you know what he’s asking by that, but not being entirely sure, you press. “What do you mean?”

“Like…” he takes another step closer, this time all the way up in your personal space and cages you to the wall with both arms. His stance seems confident, but the look on his face is very pointedly not, a stark juxtaposition to his usual shameless bravado. “Like, how far can I go to cause a scene? Cause if I was really with my boyfriend hearing his parents spout that shit about him, I’d just kiss him on the mouth and see how mad they get.”

“I like how you think.”

“Is that—” Yeonjun wets his lips in anticipation, wide eyes flicking between yours and your lips as he leans in even closer, “—consent?”

It’s honestly quite charming of the effortlessly flirty one to be so concerned with explicit consent even now, so you just take the leap for him and grab the collar of his shirt, closing the distance. The others erupt behind you, hoots and hollers all drowned out by the feeling of Yeonjun’s plush lips on yours and your heart dancing in your chest so wildly you think it could trip and fall out. He seems completely caught off guard, taking a moment to really process what was happening before he’s kissing you back with such a shocking gentleness that when he reaches up to cup your chin with a feather-light touch, you almost feel like you should slow down for him.

Instead, you back off, leaving him there gawking at you like you just grew a second head while his fingertips ghost over his lips where yours just were. His ears are flushed pink.

“You’d think you’ve never kissed a guy before, with that face you’re making,” you tease, flicking his nose. “It’s very cute. But as much as I enjoyed that, it doesn’t exactly quite have the impact I’m looking for, and that’s exactly why I set today aside to practice— we have to act familiar. It has to be natural, and comfortable, otherwise it’ll be very obvious that it’s an act.”

The way Yeonjun droops at the comment makes you want to rescind it, but you have enough restraint not to. It is quite clear to you now that Yeonjun obviously does seek your approval a lot more than the others do – such as much was hinted to you by Beomgyu, but his reaction here further confirms it – so you want to be nice to him, but without playing a clear favourite.

Lord knows what Felix will think, is the first rogue thought to cross your mind, and suddenly reminding yourself why he’s part of this plan in the first place, you look over to glance at your best friend in horror – did you just string him along this whole time to go directly for the one guy here you wanted to wingman him with most? – but surprisingly enough, the look Felix gives you two isn’t one of burning jealousy or betrayal.

He has half his fist in his mouth and his eyes are positively sparkling.

You make a mental note to ask him about that later.

“Aw, don’t look too down, that took guts to go for straight away!” You turn back to praise Yeonjun, affectionately clasping his shoulder, and he nods quickly with a tiny, hopeful grin. “My only feedback is to not be so careful. I’m not gonna flip out at anything less chaste than a peck, I’m trying to cause a scene. Has to be somewhat scandalous, without, y’know, actually getting us arrested for public indecency.”

Yeonjun chokes on nothing, then recovers with a laugh – but before he gets to say anything back, Taehyun has bolted upright from his seat on the bed, a sudden determination in his steely gaze. He makes himself quite difficult to read, whether on purpose or otherwise; you know factually that this man has some sort of crush on you, that is, if Beomgyu’s word is truthworthy, though, you have no real reason to doubt him thus far. Unlike Yeonjun who wears his heart on his sleeve, Taehyun’s expression remains consistently unreadable to you whenever you observe him. Part of you wonders just how much of that wall is intentional. Regardless, the words that come out of his mouth next are the ones you expect the least.

“Let me try.”

It’s not a question. He gives you room to decline, but it’s very pointedly not a question, and just that confidence from one of the more reserved members of the group is enough to get your heart thrumming again – not that it had much of a chance to calm down yet. Your mind flickers back to the back-n-forth between him and Gyu in the group chat, the hickeys left all over his neck, and the tip he oh-so-graciously gifted you in a pre-emptive strike of revenge, and suddenly you feel hot.

“Sure, go for it.”

Taehyun grabs you by the back of the neck. He doesn’t even hesitate, pulling you in to slot himself where Yeonjun was just a moment ago, crashing your lips together and shoving the other man out of the way with his free arm as he backs you up into the wall again, pressing you against it and kissing you breathless. He’s fucking intoxicating, the way he dares to taste you on his tongue without care for the audience around him, without care for anything else except his hands in your hair and on your hip and the way he gasps against your mouth when you loop your arms around his shoulders and hook a leg around his waist. He shoves his hips forward against you in response and the others react so loudly your neighbours probably thought everyone’s favourite soccer team scored a winning goal.

“Woo! More tongue!” Beomgyu hollers, and Taehyun doesn’t even break the kiss for the one moment it takes for him to presumably flip him off, if the hand leaving your hip was any indication, followed by a very prompt “Fuck you too!” from his roommate. You realise quickly that he isn’t going to be the one to pull away first, so regrettably, you push him back with a coy smile and a thin string of spit connecting your mouths.

“Eww, gross,” Soobin snickers, hiding his laughter with large hands over his mouth. “Wow, I’m shocked. I didn’t think you had it in you, Tyun.”

He shrugged in what sure looks like nonchalance, but you start to think it looks more like self-restraint, given how keen he was on not stopping. “He said he wanted a scandal, and if that won’t scandalise his conservative homophobic parents, I’m not sure what will.”

It takes you a good few seconds just to re-gain your ability to speak, but by then, he’s already turned back to you with his hands in his pockets and a smug grin on his face. Fuck, you must be blushing – the way Chan and Felix are grinning at you from the side with a knowing look in their eyes tells you you’re probably definitely blushing.

“So, how was it?” he prompts cockily, and you hate the way you instinctively swallow and betray how flustered he got you that easily.

“G-Good,” you hum weakly, clearing your throat before repeating yourself. “Good. Um. Yeah that was like, kind of exactly what I was looking for. Flying colours. You pass! Though, I have to say, and don’t get me wrong I am thoroughly happy to kiss you all, um, we do kind of need to be able to sell the act without relying on just. Making out repeatedly every time they look in our direction. Try and save those for when they seem the most pissed off. But yeah, that was like… good.”

Felix wriggles his eyebrows at you suggestively. “That good, huh?”

“Oh, shut up and get over here,” you mutter, making a harsh jerking motion for him to come forward and save you from your embarrassment – he has a towel on his head from drying out the dye in the sink just before, so you snatch it from him to quickly and roughly towel-dry it to distract yourself from your burning face. The black hair looks good on him, you think, the way the dark wet strands fall in front of his face and frame his features in a way you haven’t seen on him before – last time his hair was any darker than blonde, it was his natural brown and didn’t reach past his eyebrows, and now his hair was getting long enough at the front to tickle his nose. He looks like a completely different person, and frankly, now is the worst possible time for him to be looking a lot more attractive than you would allow yourself to internalise prior.

“Right, so we gonna show them how it’s really done, now?” Felix teases, and you punch him in the arm with a scoff, making him recoil as if you just bowled him over. You can’t even tell if he’s gotten flirtier with you if he’s just pulling your leg, but you did say you would use him as a demonstration for the kissing part. Not that you need to, anymore, with Taehyun setting such an example, and you tell yourself that’s a good thing. “Ow, ow! How you wound me, lovebug.”

You wrinkle your nose at both him and how hard you’re thinking about kissing him now. “Don’t call me lovebug.”

“Why not? Aren’t we meant to be boyfriends, now?”

A breathy laugh escapes your lips at his attempts to lighten the mood while you finish towel drying his hair and tossing the cloth into your laundry hamper, fixing the strands atop his head to sit nicely.

“Yeah, yeah, but lovebug is a bit much, I think. You’re on the right track, though, take notes of that everyone – casually dropping pet names between each other in a way that looks natural will be perfect for making a convincing polycule, so utilise that, just try not to lay it on too thick.” You’re back into dedicated drama teacher mode before you even know it, Felix content to stand beside you with a curiously pleased grin as you explain to everyone further.

“For today, I don’t expect all of you to start kissing each other on the mouth, but I do want you all to start getting familiar with breaking the touch barrier, obviously within whatever your partner consents to. Using Felix as my example, some other things I’d like to see and focus on are placements of hands—” you wrap yours around Felix’s waist, and he’s quick to mirror you, only to blush when you slide a hand into his back pocket, “—or small yet intimate actions, like, tucking hair behind their ear, playing with each other’s hands, touching their neck, things like that.”

You demonstrate each action on Felix as you say it, and by the time you have a hand on the side of his neck and caress it gently with your thumb, you find he’s completely relaxed into your touch, leaning back against one of your shelves as he pulls you in front of him between his legs and plops his chin on your shoulder with both arms around your front and playfully patting patterns on your belly.

“Hey,” he murmurs, breath fanning against your neck, and you can hear the smirk in his voice that’s usually so playful and silly but now, standing in front of everyone like this, has goosebumps rising on your skin. “I think just playing around with each other will look the most natural. Real couples do stuff like this all the time, right?”

Frankly, you fully expected you would be using Felix as a human test dummy, figuring he would be content with you throwing yourself at him all you want for the purpose of demonstration, and comfortable enough to do so, but you hardly expected he would be the one demonstrating anything on you of his own accord, and you swear it must be the residual adrenaline of kissing the two men before him that has you still riled up and on edge enough for the rumble of his deep voice in his chest pressed to your back to make your legs feel like jelly. Only a little bit, though, you are not getting genuinely flustered over the flirtatious actions of your best friend, rather, merely surprised at him being a lot less shy in front of others than you thought he would be. Not that he’s ever really been shy towards you, not in a long time now, especially when it comes to things like physical affection, but… you don’t know where that train of thought is going anymore.

“Right, yeah,” you agree, pliantly allowing him to grasp your chin and turn your face towards his, so he could plant a tiny little peck on your nose and beam at you widely. His face is so close, and unlike the previous two, you have not thought about having this man’s face so close to yours since the two of you were in high school. His face has filled out so much since then; he’s lost all the baby fat in his cheeks, his jawline sharper and his features more pronounced, and now that he’s actually started using chapstick his lips aren’t permanently chapped and gross anymore either, in fact they’re now quite glossy and shapely-

You look away before he can kiss you.

You didn’t even realise you were staring so hard at his lips until you were leaning in, and all you hear of the commotion from everyone else around you sounds like static. Gyu is screaming, Wooyoung is cheering, Yeosang is trying to stop him from climbing onto your desk chair, Soobin has bowled Hyuka over with his face buried in his back while the newly-bleached blonde just laughs at him, Yeonjun, Taehyun and Hongjoong seem fixated on you and Felix, all for different reasons, Seonghwa is furiously typing down notes on his notes app again and Chan is nowhere to be found. Probably in the bathroom washing out his hair dye, you think.

“Yeah, so, um, all of that, and like, of course general flirtatiousness, is the kind of thing I’m looking for, even better if you can be an obnoxious prick about it,” you joke, trying to seem chill with no idea how well you were actually succeeding in it. “So, partner up and have some time to practice, I’m gonna go finish up Chris’s hair and then I’ll come back to evaluate y’all.”

Felix’s brilliant grin falls to a slight pout when you pull away from him, arms trailing after you as you leave for the bathroom. “You good?” he calls out after you, and you want him to know he didn’t do anything wrong to make you uncomfortable, but you also can’t handle looking at him right now when the face of your old high school crush in the body of a supermodel stares back at you, so you have to leave.

“Yeah, I’m fine! Just juggling this many people and makeovers is hard,” you reassure him with a slight smile, and that seems to console him enough to allow you to dip to the bathroom and leave the door only slightly ajar behind you, letting you take a deep breath to collect yourself.

Good fucking god. Okay, so Felix is hot now – that shouldn’t really come as a surprise to you, but it does, because you’ve spent the last god knows how many years trying to tell yourself he’s not really your type anymore, but especially in the clothes you picked out for him and his hair styled like that, he fucking is. He’s the spitting image of your type and all of a sudden with the balls to match – or maybe he’s had the guts for a while now, but you pointedly did not want to notice – and you do not know how you are supposed to feel about any of it. You already have a crush on one of your two closest best friends, you definitely don’t need two – especially on one that already rejected you years ago, and especially not when surrounded by plenty of other equally as attractive and far more eager men who would give you their time of day.

You shake your head, ridding yourself the thought, instead letting yourself linger on the kisses you did have, how different they felt but how heart-fluttering each of them were anyway; Yeonjun’s uncharacteristic shyness and gentleness, how cutely flustered he was after in a way you really want to tease more, and Taehyun’s shocking boldness and confidence, how handsy of a kisser he is, how determined—

“Hey, can you pass me that towel?”

And of course, your actual crush, the one you oh-so-desperately want to get over but it’s kind of hard to do that when he’s standing shirtless in your shower with streaky blue dye dripping down his face and neck.

“O-Oh, yeah, sure.”

It’s not the first time you’ve seen Chan shirtless and definitely won’t be the last. That man hates wearing shirts around the house if he doesn’t absolutely have to, and even pants are optional if its warm enough, but you will never truly get used to seeing his muscular body that he works so hard on, all on display like this. You’ve gotten a lot better at not staring as much, though, not that he ever seems to notice, and just as good at acting like it didn’t affect you at all, so falling back into the familiarity of that is a relief after the whirlwind of emotions you just went through outside.

Once Chan finishes towel-drying his hair into a bright blue fluffy cloud, he slips his top back on, re-attaches his earrings and accessories, and it’s only now when you get to realise just how much effort he’s put in his appearance today to match your aesthetic. Not that the two of you were ever that far apart in that respect – he too didn’t have much colour in his wardrobe other than black, and preferred clothes with a bit of an edge to them, albeit, cranked down a significant few notches from your usual over-the-top attire.

When he looks at his reflection in the mirror, though, he doesn’t seem too happy with it.

“Something’s missing,” he mumbles, scratching his chin. “I don’t know what it is. But while I’m dressed the part, even with bright blue hair, it doesn’t quite feel… drastic enough, I guess. I feel like I still just look like the guy down the road your parents know and like enough.”

You give him a long, hard look – while you’re pretty sure part of it is his own low self-esteem not being able to see himself as cool, intimidating or attractive in any calibre, he has a point – he still looks too soft and familiar.

“Can I put makeup on you?”

Chan brightens up at that a little. You wonder if he was hoping you would say that.”

“Sure!”

You grab a stool from the corner of the cramped bathroom where you had the boys sit in earlier for him to sit on, but once you get your makeup out and decide on what kind of look you want to try on him, you realise it’s a little too low for you to work on his face without bending over. Glancing over your shoulder at the crack in the door, and hearing all the liveliness out there filter through it – shrill squeals, lots of laughter, some yelling, someone’s started playing music again – you decide you don’t want to leave the quieter comfort of your bathroom into that chaos just yet, so you straddle Chan’s lap on the singular chair with a shrug and get to work.

Chan has to steady you with both hands on your waist so you don’t both go toppling off the stool – suppose not having a back made it a little more precarious than anticipated, but his strong arms hold you in place just fine. You try not to think about it, because you really, really don’t need to be thinking about that right now, and try to simply focus on the dramatic smoky eyeshadow you’re applying instead that you think will really pop with the spare blue contacts you had lying around that’ll make his warm and approachable gaze a lot more piercing.

He doesn’t say anything, so neither do you, despite your heart beating arguably heavier now than it was what you were being pressed to a wall and made out with – and it becomes a lot more dangerous to think about that now instead of a welcome distraction, because his face is so close that you can observe every little detail, including the tiny, faded little freckles that dust his cheek in the warmer weather, and how plump and soft his lips look. Fuck. You’re rather glad he has to keep his eyes shut for you to do his eye makeup, because you’re looking down at his lips a lot more than you’d usually allow yourself to, but with all the kissing talk and practice and the weakness you’ve always had for his thick, perfect lips, you are just not a strong enough man today.

His hands shift you closer on his lap, and you feel just the slightest bit more insane.

“Open your eyes?” you ask him, to observe your work and snap you out of it, and he blinks at you a few times cautiously. A smile is creeping across his face, the nervous kind you’re all too familiar with – he has a certain smile he does when he knows he’s being perceived whether he likes it or not, and it’s just as adorable as it is saddening that he clearly has no fucking idea how breathtaking he is.

“How is it?”

“You’re beautiful,” you breathe out, a little choked up. The situation seems a lot more tense than you intended it to, but he must feel it too, because he shies away under your gaze. “I mean it. Not because of the makeup, I just used it to enhance your features further, but I really just…”

I really just think you’re fucking gorgeous.

What the fuck has gotten into you today?

“Just… what?”

You slide off his lap, ignoring the way his grip on your hips tighten for the slightest second before letting you go to rummage through your cabinet for the unopened blue contacts you knew you had in there. “Here, put these on. I think they’ll really complete the look.”

He shrugs, taking them from you and taking his time putting them in, not all that used to putting in contacts, but it isn’t his first time, either. You’ve roped him into enough cosplays with you and Felix over the years to have him familiar enough with the process of putting them in, and eventually he turns back to look at you with an icy blue gaze that is equal parts unsettling and arousing.

“Yeah, you definitely look fiercer now. Take a look.”

Chan finally turns to the mirror, taking in his new look, and his long evaluation of himself seems more intrigued this time around than distasteful, which is a win in your book. If he likes what he sees, maybe your confidence can start to rub off on him some, too.

“Wow,” he exhales, twisting his face this way and that. “I look like a completely different person.”

“Not really.” You know that it was against the point, so you elaborate. “Just a different flavour. You’re still the Chris I know and love, but you look more… confident, almost. And half of any act or aura of intimidation or coolness is just that. Confidence.”

“Confidence, huh…” Chan stands up a little straighter, squaring his gaze a bit more and trying to channel his inner you. He looks hot. Ridiculously hot. But that really can’t be your focus right now. “Yeah. I feel more confident, too. I’ll try see if it’s enough for me to put the moves on one of the boys,” he chuckles, and you smack him on the ass and playfully shove him out the door.

“Go get ‘em, tiger.”

-

taglist: @jaxavance @fiantomartell @roulette010 @jcngh0-hq @remiee @syunderful @absentcaryatid @yunho-leeknow @inarizqkis @pastelsicheng @john-joong @i-dont-know-me-either @xavi-in-kpopland @beautifulcolorgarden (idk why the tags arent working for a couple of yall sorry if you changed urls and i missed it!!)

[panthera-tigris-venenata]

"Don't you see that I'm hurting?" For Ivy and Claudine, pretty please

Look at me writing another story that I have no context for &lt;3

Your guess to what happened before this is as good as mine &lt;3

Also, @tiredflowercrown, tagging you here ’cos you asked about some Ivy/Claudine and this... counts?

Claudine leans her back against the wall, just barely resisting the urge to slide down on the pavement. Or what passes as it, in here on the Isle.

It would feel like too much of a failure, and besides, the ground is dirty. Ash and blood and other substances that Claudine doesn't wish to be thinking about.

Claudine is good at not thinking, usually.

But now, she tugs at her hair, which, in her humble opinion, doesn't hurt nearly enough. Her hand moves to her waist, where she keeps her knife, but her fingers dance on the dirty cloth only. Right boot next, but that hiding place is empty too.

Claudine exhales slowly and forces her eyes shut for a moment, hoping to keep the tears inside. Hot stream trickles down her cheek anyway, and Claudine curses, pressing her nails into her collarbone instead.

Fucking Uma and her fucking safety measures, taking her knives away. And Gil, refusing to steal them back for her, even when she begged.

With a choked breath, another tear escapes. Fucking tears. Claudine claws at her throat for a heartbeat, before she realises what she's doing and forces her hands still.

She curses again.

„Language,“ drawls a far-too familiar voice nearby, and Claudine doesn't bother opening her eyes. „Wouldn't imagine you even know such words, little miss Frollo.“

„Go fuck yourself,“ Claudine answers and still doesn’t open her eyes as the figure of Ivy de Vil leans on the wall next to her, only a tiny bit too close. And Claudine doesn’t lean away. A sliver of light dances in front of her closed eyelids, a flame.

Followed by smoke and equally languid and hazy words. „Why, would you like to watch, sweetheart?“

Claudine gasps and opens her eyes in shock; she takes only a heartbeat too long to answer, and Ivy barks out a laugh. Blood creeps into Claudine’s cheeks.

„Go to Hell,“ she mutters finally.

It has exactly zero effect.

Ivy only tips back her head, exposing the curve of her throat for Claudine to see, and drags a long breath of her cigarette. „Not interested, darling. Besides, hell sounds fun. All the devils are here. Now, if you’re sending me to Hell Hall… That might be a real threat.“

Once again, Claudine doesn’t know how to answer, so she doesn’t.

„Cat got your tongue?“ prods Ivy once more, and Claudine just turns her head away. She does not wish to see Ivy.

Actually, she does wish to see Ivy, but she does not wish to think about that.

Silence and smoke hangs in the air.

Claudine clenches her hand into a fist just to do something.

„Why are you here?“ she asks finally.

„I can do what I want,“ dismisses the de Vil heiress with a flick of her wrist, sending a sprinkle of ash falling down from her cigarette. Then, she turns the question back at Claudine; „What are you doing here?“

Claudine bites her tongue and with it, another „go fuck yourself“.

„Just leave me alone,“ she says instead.

„Not happening,“ Ivy turns her nose up and sends another cloudburst of ash into the already polluted air. „As I said, I can do what I wanna.“

Claudine takes a deep breath and drives her nails deeper into her skin. „Just… Go away. Can’t you see I’m hurting?“ (She says this quietly and hopes Ivy doesn’t hear at all; she hopes she doesn’t go away, even if she hears. She hates this, too.)

„Why would you think I’d care, sweetheart?“ Ivy asks, not really expecting an answer, and Claudine doesn’t know, really. Then Ivy’s knuckles knock on the wood and she turns around to face Claudine, letting her head lull against the wall. „Light?“ she offers carelessly.

Claudine should refuse.

„I’ve got nothing to smoke,“ she says instead.

„Not a problem,“ Ivy mutters this, barely to be understood, as she clutches her own cigarette in between her lips and fishes another from her bra in a rather obscene gesture that Claudine definitely isn’t following with her eyes religiously.

She takes the cigarette that Ivy holds out for her.

She presses her lips together and holds it in its place awkwardly, hoping it won’t fall, and Ivy smirks at that. Claudine’s cheeks burn again.

„C’mere, sweetheart,“ Ivy mutters, so uncharacteristically soft, as she touches Claudine’s face – turns it to herself – brings it closer with just a touch of her fingertips. Claudine lets her.

Her fingertips brush her lips almost at the same time the flames do, and neither hurts more than the other.

„There you go,“ Ivy exhales finally and withdraws further away again, quickly tapping away the dust of her own cigarette, and playing with the lighter.

Flame, then let it die. Flame, then smother it.

Flame, then run your thumb through it just because you can.

Claudine is envious of that.

She remembers the fire on her lips and breaths in the smoke; she chokes on it, coughing and almost doubling over.

Ivy smirks. „Not a fan?“ she asks with that god-damned smile on her lips.

„Fuck you,“ Claudine manages to choke out as she gets her lungs under control and fucking breathes in the smoke again, because what else should she do?

She realises her mistake very soon:

„Why, if you insist…“ drawl Ivy de Vil.

And Claudine would like the ground to swallow her, thank you for asking.

She ostensibly turns away, curling her fingers into under her throat again, hoping it hurts.

When Ivy drags her hand away, well, to say she is surprised is an understatement. Her breath catches in lungs and the situation definitely doesn’t get any better when Ivy leaves her hand in place, on her wrist.

„Stop that,“ orders the de Vil heiress almost moodily, and Claudine almost flinches away at that, almost remembering she wanted to be left alone and sulk. „Come with me.“

„Where?“ she asks, „Why should I?“

„Want to show you what I do when I get… blue.“ Ivy says that word as if the colour blue had personally mortally offended her, forcing an involuntary laugh out of Claudine. „So, come? You’ll like it, I promise.“ Ivy absentmindedly runs her finger above her lighter again, drawing Claudine’s eyes to the flames and her mind far away from other problems.

„Yeah,“ she breaths out with a knowing smirk when Claudine manages to raise her eyes to her lips – her face. „Yeah.“

And so Claudine goes.

And if some buildings lay in ash and soot the next morning, well, that’s nobody’s business, is it now?

And through all the smoke, Claudine finds she can breathe a tiny bit easier.

[lake-archive]

Chapter 10 - Action?

AO3 Link

Fandom: Ensemble Stars

Series: Alte Liebe Rostet Nicht

Characters: Anja-Sophia 'Ann' Wolff (OC), Izumi Sena, Leo Tsukinaga, Ritsu Sakuma

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‘How have you been dear?’

‘Hi Mami. Sorry for not texting. Been busy.’

‘That’s alright. Have you met Sena by any chance yet?’

‘Yeah.’

‘And?’

‘You’re curious…’

‘Haha, you don’t want to tell me about him?’

‘I leave you in the ‘he is a fine man’ delusion.’

‘Language!’

‘Sorry, sorry. But seriously, I don’t wanna talk about it.’

‘You’re just saying that now…’

‘I’m being serious Mom. I don’t know what to think about him anymore.’

‘Huh?’

‘It’s a long story. Don’t wanna bore you with it. Back to work.’

‘You’re going to leave me hanging? Pops would like to know too!’

‘Maybe some other time…’

The last few days… Torture, pure torture. Almost. In a way. In a sense. It was just confusing honestly and their brain started hurting. What were they supposed to do? How were they supposed to figure things out? Honestly, things started to make less and less sense to Ann when it came to Izumi himself. Reports varied from their own perception of him, and even that part started to crumble. First Sora’s words seemed so empty to them but the more they got the chance to observe him from afar, the more they were questioning him. Things became so complicated over time, they couldn’t believe it.

One time they came across him while talking to one of the idols of StarPro. To not be noticed they hid, wanting to see something for themselves. A different side they hoped. Something which would justify the pity they felt in this weird nightmare. And they were kind of surprised. Actually, had they ever seen him smile in any way before? No, even if it had become off putting at points. A smile was a smile however. ‘That guy can actually smile!?’ they thought, observing the conversation with… Uhm… Well… Maybe someone close to Izumi. After all, they referred to the blonde male with glasses as ‘Yuu–Kun’, a rather affectionate nickname. And he loved talking every second to ‘Yuu–Kun’, as mundane as it was. In fact, if they didn’t know any better, he knew how to tease… If one wants to call it teasing.

Regardless, the treatment Ann experienced was the total opposite from Yuu–Kun’s. Even if they felt sorry at points, given Izumi had nearly crossed a line here and there from their own observations Regardless, there was no… Ill intentions. He just really liked this fellow idol from another agency and seemed to care. Not in a ‘oh we are working in the same industry so I pretend to care for you’ kind of way, but… Actually caring. Actually enjoying the chat. It was a bizarre side of Izumi’s, something Ann was arguably not used to seeing. It took a bit until they could even accept that this was Izumi and not some clone. Seriously, they were stubborn enough to make themselves believe such absurd things. As long as there was no hint that Izumi had some redeemable qualities. It made them question if they were not just trying to tell themselves all sorts of things just to be able to bash on Izumi. Maybe no one could blame them but when seeing this, they felt a little stupid. Though it would be an easy one if it had been just that. Big deal if it happens towards one person after all.

“Did you seriously forget to eat lunch again!?”

“Haha, sorry Sena~ But in my defense, this melody didn’t want to get out of my head! It was begging me to get out! ‘Grr! Write me down Leo! Write me!’ You could say that it was threatening me before I would forget it!”

“You’re unbelievable sometimes… Listen, you come with me! Right now! You will catch up on your lunch!”

“Huh? But—”

“Right now! Urgh, that’s exactly why leaving you on your own is risky… You forget everything sometimes.”

“Haha, I can’t exactly help it you know!”

“Why am I your caretaker?”

“You tell me~”

“I wouldn’t do this if you weren’t so forgetful!”

This was a part of a conversation between Izumi and Leo, or rather one of them. The scolding of skipping a meal, something Ann noticed wasn’t a rarity. They had seen it by chance when they were outside, eating on their own, nibbling on their uncooked ramen straight from the plastic bag. It was convenient and quick to eat on the go, so they did not mind.

Back to the topic at hand: Izumi loved to scold, it may as well be a part time hobby of his. However, it was not really scolding for the sake of scolding. No, it was rather because… Well, he was worried. Leo was forgetful and loved dropping everything for a composition. They had figured out the hard way when he scribbled on a document because he needed some paper to scribble down his latest ‘masterpiece’, Ann having to explain how that happened. Luckily not alone… So this didn’t seem too far off. Sometimes they had the impression that Leo needed some help, given his forgetfulness. They had no idea of the extent of course until they witnessed a conversation about Leo’s schedule, something which seemed to be in Izumi’s control. It was… A lot, too far maybe, but was it out of malicious intent? Uhm… As twisted as it sounds, not really…

And again, Leo is forgetful so there was a reason, Though he could slow it down of course. The two guys smelled the same sometimes, literally. Something was up with that. And this was what made it conflicting. He didn’t mean harm and was concerned, but the way… It was hard to put it in words, hard for Ann to describe. They couldn’t describe it properly in the end.

“Secchan? Hmm… He can be a lot to handle. But I don’t hate him to be honest. He isn’t always wrong. Why do you ask Ann–Chan?”

“Just… Curious. Your opinion.”

“My opinion? Did something—”

“No! Just curious! Ahem… You… Mean he isn’t bad?”

“Secchan has his moments but… That’s about it~ Plus, he isn’t that guy…”

“That— Oh, right…”

Even when asking Ritsu it wasn’t all negative, not all black and white. Of course their friend was confused where their questions suddenly came from, why they were so curious about Izumi out of nowhere yet he had answered them regardless, giving them his unfiltered thoughts. And it sent them more into a spiral, giving them stuff they didn’t want to hear in the end but forced themselves to do so. They had to hear it, for their own curiosity, their own weird sake. To summarize, it lined up with their observations. And it was a help in one way, but on the other it just confused them more, shattering their previous image of Izumi altogether.

Now of course that didn’t mean it completely changed. No one can change their image of someone this quickly, not even close. This was not something happening just like that. But… Well… It gave them some questions. And given the nightmare they had, which still made them shake in their very own boots, they had planted their face onto the table when back in their office alone and having worked through a pile of papers. Everytime they were not working they wasted their thoughts on this. It only changed some things but the initial question they had that morning? They were not much closer. Because none of these answered what was up with Nyeli. What does he have to do with any of this? Then again, it might only answer why the cat didn’t hate that jerk completely and portrayed him in one of the images.

But that was it. They were not much closer to anything else… ‘ Taking pity on the lowest of the low ’, the line haunted them even now. It was all so weird, they didn’t get it. The more they dug up about Izumi, the more confusing of a person he became to them. An Arschloch , they would still not deny that. But at the same time he was… Also not one? Ugh, this was confusing. More than it should have been. It made their head hurt… It led to nothing. Being an observer didn’t solve anything! It didn’t answer anything! Third hand reports were useless at that point! If they wanted to get a clue they had to get it over themselves… They might have to do it. They didn’t want to, and it would come off as weird, but…

“What choice do I have? If I want to get a clue and see if it is worth it or not… I have to ask him myself, don't I?”

The mere thought made them face the surface of the table. Luckily no one had seen them in this miserable state, how they were wasting their thoughts and energy on a person they initially hated and thought would be not worth anything. But now they were just in some weird spiral of self doubt…

Then again, they could always excuse that it was for Nyeli’s sake. Something was going on and they had to figure it out. As Ritsu had told them… ‘ We both can tell Nyeli behaves differently when just hearing Secchan’s name. ’

‘You don’t have an odd feeling about this? At all? ’

It was odd alright. They were starting to see what he meant, starting to understand why this was a complicated matter. Sitting around and doing nothing while also trying to make sure the cat no longer faces the so-called ‘Arsch’ would not solve any of this… It just wouldn't.

But it would be up to them. They had to decide to approach Izumi. And once they do… It will be hard to back out from this.

Previous Chapter - Masterlist - Next Chapter

[somedayonbroadway]

can you write more for trans race???

Of course I can! And once again, as I am not trans if there’s anything I’m doing to misrepresent an experience like this, please let me know, I would love to learn! Thank you

You can find part 1 here!

Race was standing in front of the mirror. He was wearing a sports bra and ace bandages. His hair was short now. It wasn’t perfect but without the salons open, Jack and Medda did the best they could. Race loved it. But sometimes, all he could do was cry when he looked in the mirror. He wanted his chest to be flatter and his chin to be sharper and his biceps to be bigger. He wanted to look like Jack, he wanted to just wake up everyday and go around being a boy, not a boy trapped in a girl's body.

He’d been staring for a long time. Medda had promised him that it would get better. He was talking to a doctor on Zoom about knowing exactly what would be best for him but everything seemed so far out of reach at the moment with all the hospitals on lockdown and Race didn’t want to be upset, he didn’t want to have another breakdown, not while Jack’s younger sister was quarantined in her room with Covid and they might have to take her for the hospital for a real illness.

Race whimpered when the bandage slipped out of his hand again. He grumbled, grabbing one of Jack’s shirts and throwing it over his head as he tried not to scream.

The door opened at that noise. “I can hear you grumbling from across the hall.” Jack leaned in the doorway. He sighed when he saw Race’s head in his arms. “Hey… Racer, kid—“

“Go away, Jack,” Race whimpered. He groaned when he heard his voice, so high pitched and feminine. He grumbled again.

The older boy hesitated but walked further into the room, laying down beside Race. “Smalls is awake,” Jack sighed. “She’s doin’ okay… askin’ how you are. She misses playin’ Mario Kart with you.” The blond boy just buried his face more. “Race, come on. I ain’t gonna just leave you alone. You’re my brother, it’s my job to annoy and look after you. So I’ll just lay here until you talk or we don’t gotta talk or we can eat dinner, or —“

“I sound like a girl,” Race muttered. He felt Jack turn to him, put a hand on his back reassuringly. “I look like a girl and I sound like a girl and I can’t fix it!” It was so hard. He just didn’t know how to feel better.

Jack sat up. “Okay,” he breathed. “There’s ways around that. It’ll take time though.”

“I j-jus’ wanna be a boy,” Race whimpered.

“You are a boy,” Jack said. “Come on, we can look at getting you… a binder or talk ta Medda and your therapist about putting you on T, maybe?”

The younger boy peaked up at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah… but for now, I can get you a sweatshirt and we can play zombie games while Smalls is resting,” Jack insisted.

Race sniffled. “Why am I like this?” he asked. “Papa says God made me like He wanted to. So why do I wanna change?”

“Because God ain’t for everybody,” Jack shrugged. “I don’t believe in God, but… i-if you do, then maybe we can figure out what God actually said together.”

The younger boy sighed. He looked up at Jack. “I’d rather kill some zombies…” he muttered. And Jack laughed, grabbing his brother and taking him downstairs where they laughed and played on the couch.

And everything was fine for the moment. And that was alright.

[zenon-karr]

Just saying if Noah doesn’t know what s5 looks like he probably is saying he doesn’t think Mike likes Will back just incase the writers don’t write it to save himself. In volume 1 he would have KNOWN what happens in volume 2 so his pre volume 1 entusiasman doesn’t matter coz it’s not like volume 2 wasn’t filmed yet. He knew ALL of it before even promo for volume 1! It doesn’t literally matter this volume 1 shit. They’re not promoting s5 yet! I can’t be certain he knows whether it’s endgame or not but he clearly says he doesn’t know what the contents of s5 are.

In Gotham, when Penguin fell for riddler this same looking scenario it was the actor for RIDDLER who tried to let people down easy when we didn’t see it. We didn’t want to see it but they filmed far into that season when he said this however with byler he says this when they didn’t film presumably Mike’s reaction to Will’s feelings yet. On the other hand, with Stranger Things Finn redirected when interviewer asked how Mike would feel about it. He didn’t say he didn’t think Mike feels the same - he redirected the interviewer to say ‘I don’t think he knows’ which didn’t even answer what she asked. Just coz he says we know how Mike feels about El. DOES NOT mean Mike doesn’t have feelings for Will! People are bi!! (This isn’t bi Mike truther post but it’s just saying bi people exist so Mike loving El doesn’t disprove Mike loving Will!) people like more than one person at a time!! This doesn’t prove anything! Noah says pro byler and byler doubt to cover basis! If it’s not canon in the ends he doesn’t wanna be blamed for it! Which is fair because there would be people who blamed him when he just didn’t know but loves and want it to happen!

However I will say in the evidence he does actually know the endgame there’s a pattern with Noah and actually saying not the truth and saying what we’re supposed to think in the moment of the show and revealing otherwise later. In s3 he said Will doesn’t like girls yet or doesn’t want to grow up and implied this the meaning since that what we were supposed to think at that time. Then when volume 1 was coming out he basically said his sexuality is up to interpretation and then finally when vol 2 dropped he said Will is gay and loves Mike after we see the van scene. What they say doesn’t actually matter to be honest becuase if you watched promo for example Star Wars for rise of skywalker the cast said exactly opposite to what happened on the movie so really what the cast say doesn’t matter really. Just saying there’s a pattern with Noah and saying contrary to what happens. So I wouldn’t even worry personally but if you have doubt that fine but it’s rude to bombard us with it when there is evidence they say contrary to what happens. ESP with Will. Millie says Brenner is more of a father figure than Hopper? Are we to believe that is actually true too. In beyond stranger things Millie thinks brenner really loves El and the duffers are almost horrified she said this. 🤷🏼‍♀️ all I’m saying is this mean nothing really coz he really did just say his opinion if it really is his as according to him he hasn’t seen scripts s5 yet and according to the writers they only have at most written 2 complete eps 🤷🏼‍♀️

[nikatyler]

More mental health and university ramblings because I thought it would be over finally, but it’s not. And maybe I kinda wanna get your opinion on this because I really don’t know what to do. Not opinion as in “please stranger on the internet make the decision for me” but maybe...if you’ve gone through something similar, how did you solve it or something like that.

So yesterday I kind of made the decision that *yes* I will stop studying. We can do a thing where we can request to put it on pause and then we can come back some time later to finish it. I’m not sure how that works, what are the requirements exactly or if there’s even a chance they’d allow it for me, I thought I’d look into it later today. If I can’t do it, fine, I’ll simply drop out and if I change my mind in the future when my mental state is better, I will apply again, for whatever program. A lot of times, if you show that you’ve already passed some classes before (for example, in my case, if I show that I’ve passed history classes spanning from ancient Greece to like general history up until WW1, etc.), they can approve it and you won’t have to do those classes again (so, in case of my history classes, they’d probably just want me to retake the class on 20th century, because I never took a university exam on that - I still might but that’s off topic). There’s some time period for that, obviously if I came back to university in 20 years and was like hey so in 2020 I took this theory of literature class, no one would care and I’d have to retake it, but assuming I’d return by, let’s say, 2025 (phew that year sounds like sci-fi), I believe there wouldn’t be too many problems with that. Or, maybe I’ll leave, go to work and realize, you know what, I don’t need university, I don’t care about a degree anymore, and I’ll just be better off doing whatever I can do with my librarian high school. (yes I was already preparing to be a librarian while I was in high school, that’s a thing here with maaaaany jobs, no I won’t be getting into how our school system works - but I’m sure that it’s similar in many countries, I’m just going with how whenever I watch something American or British it kinda seems like you’re studying more or less everything in high school and make the choice later -- anyway that’s off topic, ignore this part completely)

Well, today I went to my therapist again and we were talking about it and...basically, if you look at it rationally, there’s no reason for me to fail. I always prepare a lot, all the exams went well, it’s likely the big graduation ones will go well too. Same with the stupid thesis. Yes I was afraid of every paper I was writing, but they went well, this could go well too. So basically, she said it’s all in my head and I should work with it and work on my confidence and whatnot and just try it. And like...yes. I know. I can see that the chances of me finishing uni, just based on how well I did at my exams, based on how well I did at school in general, are high. I know that I worry too much before every exam and then it goes well. I know it’s all in my head.

But at the moment, I just don’t feel like I have the power to change my mindset. I’m tired. I’m so tired. Just thinking of all that I will still have to do in order to finish university almost sends me into a panic attack. Even if I write it down and try to make a plan of how I’ll go about it, when I will do things, it’s just A Lot. Hell, I’m even starting to feel a lot of disgust and dislike towards the topic I chose for my thesis, just because I *have* to do it now and I just don’t have it in me right now. 

I feel like I’d be better off just leaving it be, changing my environment completely, seeing what happens and figuring it out when things get better - because right now, I feel stuck and I hate everything and there’s barely anything to look forward to in my current situation. You know, I actually wish I could find a job already - even if it’s just putting stuff on the shelves in the supermarket; it might be boring and repetitive and not fullfilling at all but I can stick to repetitive tasks for a long time before I get really bored. But hey, my mum was like, you should try and send your CV to some libraries too, maybe they will consider you even if they’re not officially hiring at the moment (I’m not sure how to put it to words in English, just trust me that it makes sense). Maybe I’ll get my dream job and I won’t look back. Or, I’ll get my dream job, I’ll be happy and then I’ll have the energy to finish what I started. And then who knows.

I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore, TL;DR I guess: I don’t have the energy to finish university, I have a plan on what to do instead, but my therapist says I should just power through and finish university now because rationally, I’m smart enough to finish university, it’s just that I really don’t have the energy for that now and so I don’t know what to do. Should I try to finish it now and risk I’ll hate everything even more. Or should I just leave it now and come back later with a clear head (and hopefully meds strong enough to not let me dip this deep again lol). Dunno.

On a completely unrelated note, please don’t forget to wear sunscreen these days, I got burnt on Sunday, it’s still very red and it’s uneven and it fucking hurts and I wasn’t even outside for that long lol.

[averyzhao]

IN CHARACTER TASK 001 : INITIAL SIT DOWNS

“When did you last speak to Greer?”

“Can’t really remember. Probably at a party some time last year?” Avery’s sit down had just begun and she was already tired of it. To her, it felt ridiculous that so many people were being called in for questioning. If you so much as stood in the same room as Greer once, you had to be carted into this makeshift interrogation room on campus. Though she shouldn’t be surprised. A rich white girl was missing. The whole world obviously had to stop until she was found.

“When did you last actually see Greer?”

“I don’t know. I don’t exactly keep track of when I run into Greer, but we literally live right across from each other so I’m guessing some time during the last week of school last year?” When something was so common to you, you didn’t really take notice of it. She’d see Greer all the time, coming and going. Sometimes they’d exchange words, sometimes they didn’t. It wasn’t anything to write home about.

“How well did you know Greer?”

“Not very well?” Avery offered with a flat smile. Were they expecting a more thoughtful answer? Because if they were, they were shit out of luck. “We’d talk at parties sometimes because we knew a lot of the same people.” Link, Ollie, Jesse to name a few. There was probably more overlap but she didn’t care to figure out who right now. “Sliiightly above an acquaintance, but definitely less than a friend.” If the cops wanted to get specific. 

In truth, she and Greer were probably a pinch closer than what she was saying, especially given that it was Greer who put the thought of enrolling at Ogden in Avery’s head in the first place. One might even say Greer was her first ‘friend’, at least until she figured out Ollie attended Ogden too. Once she made the connection that this was the prestigious college Ollie went to, it was easier to hang around him given their history together than continue to tag along with Greer. To say the girl was extremely popular at Ogden would be an understatement, and Avery held no interest in spending time around someone who got that much attention.

“What was your relationship with Greer like?”

“We barely had one. Saw her sometimes when I was leaving or coming home. And like I said, we’d just talk on occasion at parties.” Avery was starting to sound like a broken record but she didn’t mind. She stood by what she was saying. Her ‘relationship’ with Greer – if it could even be labelled that – was incredibly casual and totally meaningless. Sure, they hooked up a few times, but when did impromptu bathroom hookups count as grounds for a relationship? There was virtually no reason for the cops to be aware of that. Even people Avery considered friends didn’t know that. They weren’t going to know either if she could help it.

“Have you heard or seen anything about where she was this summer?

“I think I heard someone mention she was seen in the background of someone’s Insta post?” Ogden was brimming over with talk of Greer once the school year started. You couldn’t go anywhere without hearing her name or any of the billion theories people had about her whereabouts. It was entertaining at the start but got annoying real fast. “Can’t be sure if it was just a rumor or what, so you might wanna ask someone who’s more online than I am about that.” Someone who actually gave a fuck about Greer and what she got up to.

“You wouldn’t have wanted Greer to disappear, would you?”

"Are you seriously asking me that?” Avery stared pointedly at the interviewer in front of her. Her gaze darted from person to person in the room, waiting for someone to tell her this was all a joke. Bringing in anyone and everyone Greer knew for questioning was dramatic to Avery to begin with, but to ask people if they wanted her gone? Did she slip and fall into an episode of a dated cop show? Against her disbelief of their query, Avery stifled the scoff she wanted to let slip and answered. “No...” Obviously. “I don’t care enough about her to want anything to happen to her.” Avery’s apathy usually got her in trouble but for once it was actually serving her.

[bladeyourworstnightmare]

Scene 13

Smokey’s Pizzeria

Ezra: (parks the car) We’re here!

Missy: (raises her hands in the air) Yay!

Ezra: (unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of the car. He walks over to Missy’s side and opens the door. He unbuckles her and helps her get out of the car)

Missy: (begins to sprint toward the building excitedly)

Ezra: Whoa, whoa! (quickly catches her by the arm) Be careful, sweetie. You need to stay with me.

Missy: But I wanna go in!

Ezra: We will go in. We just have to make sure there are no cars coming. I don’t want you to get hit.

Missy: Ok, Daddy.

Ezra: (takes Missy by the hand and leads her into the building)

(The Toy animatronics are on stage performing)

Ezra/Missy: (sit at one of the tables)

Missy: (admiring the Toy animatronics) Wow! They look so cool! I like the bunny girl. She’s pretty!

Bella: (is in a waitress uniform in her human form. She walks over to where Ezra and Missy are sitting. She whips out a pen and paper pad) Hello. Welcome to Smokey’s Pizzeria. How May I take your order?

Ezra: (a bit taken aback by her human form) Um, I don’t mean to sound rude , but what exactly are you?

Bella: Oh, I’m just in my human form. I’m actually a beagle humanimal, but I drank a potion and now I’m human. So, what would you like to order?

Ezra: (is somewhat puzzled at her human form) Ah, um…. Ok…. (looks at menu) I would like a-

Missy: (to Bella. She sees Bella’s baby bump) Are you pregnant?

Ezra: Missy! That was very rude of you to say!

Bella: It’s fine, it’s fine. Yes, I’m pregnant.

Missy: (smiles really big) That’s amazing! Who’s the Daddy?

Ezra: Missy, you can’t just ask personal questions like that!

Bella: (laughs a little) It’s ok. You see, one of the animatronics in the other showroom- his name is Bengal- is my husband and the father.

Ezra: (looks at Bella like she’s crazy) What?

Missy: (is confused) Huh?

Bella: I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. He also has a human form. Every animatronic here has a human form. Anyway, the two of us went to my house one night and we fu- oh, I can’t say that, there’s kids around- Um, we’ll, we ba- no that’s still bad- Uh….we spent some time together, and now we are gonna have a baby!

Ezra: (is still confused and a bit concerned) Uh-huh. (Whispers to Missy) Maybe we should leave.

Missy: But I want ice cream.

Ezra: Alright. (looks at menu) I would like a sausage pizza with a caesar salad and a water to drink.

Missy: I want some ice cream please!

Ezra: Missy, you have to eat something healthy first.

Missy: (disappointed) Aww! Fine.

Ezra: (looks at the kids menu) How about getting some chicken tenders and fries? I can cut the chicken up for you.

Missy: (still disappointed ) Ok…

Ezra: I would also like an order of chicken tenders, fries, and a small cup of chocolate milk please.

Missy: (perks her ears excitedly at the mention of chocolate milk)

Bella: (writes down both orders) Ok, your food will come shortly. (She leaves, going to the kitchen)

Missy: She looks weird.

Ezra: Now Missy, she might look different but that doesn’t mean you should say mean things about her, ok?

Missy: Ok, Daddy. Daddy, what’s a human?

Ezra: Oh, I, uh, I don’t know sweetie. I think they look like what that girl looks like.

Star: (in her human form. She is lingering in the doorway that leads to the other showroom. She is gazing fondly at Rocky as he interacts with the kids)

Ezra: (notices her and has a puzzled look on his face) Or like her… (he seems to be trying to figure out who Star is)

Missy: (turns to look at Star) She’s very pretty.

Star: (looks around the room. Her gaze lands on Ezra and she gets a look of surprise and recognition on her face. She starts walking over quickly. She stops right by the table) Ezra? Is it really you?

Ezra: (is a bit shocked) Who are you? How do you know my name? And why do you seem so familiar?

Star: It’s me, your sister! It’s Elizabeth!

Ezra: (in disbelief) No, it can’t be. Elizabeth is dead.

Star: I was dead, but now I’m here.

Ezra: How can this be? (Whispers so Missy can’t hear) You were murdered.

Star: (whispering) Yes I was, but I was stuffed into an animatronic suit and my soul possessed it. (No longer whispering) I am now Princess Star, but everyone just calls me Star.

Ezra: (stands up and hugs Star) I’ve missed you so much.

Star: (hugs back) I’ve missed you too.

Ezra: (sits back down) Please, sit with us.

Star: Alright. (She sits as well) Is this adorable little princess your daughter?

Ezra: Yes, she is.

Star: (to Missy) And does this beautiful princess have a name?

Missy: (smiles and nods while giggling) My name is Missy.

Star: It’s wonderful to finally meet you, princess Missy. I’m princess Star, but you can call me Auntie.

Missy: Ok, Auntie! (Notices Star’s baby bump) Are you pregnant too?

Ezra: Missy, I just told you not to ask questions like that.

Star: (she laughs a little) Your father is right, but yes I am pregnant.

Ezra: Congratulations, Lizzie! I never thought I would finally get to be an uncle.

Missy: (excited) Yay! I’m gonna have cousins!

Star: Well, you’ve already got a cousin right over there. (Points to Rocky)

Ezra/Missy: (look over at Rocky)

Rocky: (looks up at Star and waves)

Star: That’s your cousin Rocky. He’s three years old.

Missy: I’m three too!

Star: That’s perfect! You two will get along just fine.

Missy: Daddy, can I go play with Rocky?

Ezra: After we eat.

Missy: Fine.

Bella: (comes out of the kitchen with a tray of food. She walks over to Ezra and Missy’s table) Oh, hey Star!

Star: Hello, Bella! This is my brother, Ezra, and my niece, Missy.

Bella: I didn’t know you had a brother and a niece. (To Ezra and Missy) It’s nice to meet you guys. (She sets their food and drinks down in front of them) I wish I could stay longer and talk, but I’ve got orders to fill. See ya later! (She walks around to different tables delivering food and drinks before going back in the kitchen)

Star: That is my good friend, Bella Cooper. I knew her since she was 14. She’s 18 now and she’s such a hard worker. Her sister has a good job too.

Ezra: (begins cutting up Missy’s chicken) Sister?

Star: Her sister’s name is Emma. Bella told me she’s working as a security guard at a place called Smokey’s Mega Pizzaplex. I would be wary around her though. She’s been acting strange.

Ezra: (gives Missy her food back) Strange? How so? (Takes a bite of his own food)

Missy: (begins eating)

Star: Well, she’s usually warm and friendly and well, also a bit awkward at times, but Bella says she been more distant and hostile even. We think there’s something wrong with her head. I’m very worried about her and I’m sure Bella is too.

Ezra: Is there anything I can do to help?

Star: I don’t know. Maybe you could come tonight and help us figure something out? You’ll get to meet the rest of my friends too.

Ezra: Ugh, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’ve got work tonight.

Star: Oh? Where do you work?

Ezra: I work as a night guard at Sandy’s Pizza Funhouse.

Star: Are there any animatronics there?

Ezra: Yes.

Star: How many?

Ezra: Um…let’s see… one…two….three….uh, there’s 6 big animatronics and five small ones. That would be 11 in total.

Star: You could drive all of them down here. They can probably help too.

Ezra: I don’t think I would be able to fit all of them in my car.

Star: It’s possible. I have a friend named Rusty and he was able to fit 16 animatronics in his truck. Of course eight of them were small.

Ezra: I’ll have to ask Sandy if she and her friends can come here tonight.

Missy: Can I come too, Daddy?

Ezra: Your babysitter did cancel on us tonight, so you’ll have to come. (To Star) What time should we come?

Star: This place closes at 10:30 pm, so maybe come at 11:00. Everyone should be gone by then.

Ezra: Alright. I don’t like that Missy will be missing her bedtime, but we will come.

Star: Great. Anyway, how about we catch up while you two eat?

Ezra: Sounds good to me.

Finally! Another addition to the story! I hope you guys enjoyed it! Have a nice summer!

[ayahachitwister]

⭐ For the ask game because, of course, you wanna share something! <3

:D Aww, thank you! Since I have to write a battle right now (which is my least favorite thing to write), I figured I should talk about the one battle I actually enjoyed writing—the battle against the Hex Cait.

The Hex Cait battle ended up being three chapters (chapters 66-68 of the witch AU), which is by far the longest battle I’ve ever done. 😅 Usually I just want to get them over with. But that one in particular I had planned since the very beginning of the story. While I didn’t know what the Noise would be back when I got the idea for the story, I knew I wanted there to be a huge climax on fighting a powerful Noise, where Neku would go against Josh’s orders and come help Shiki and the others fight. …there was also supposed to be some more with the siblings there originally, but the stuff I would’ve included there got handled earlier in the story.

But anyway, with Neku’s entrance, it gave me a little bit of a break so it wasn’t just fighting for three full chapters—but had a moment in the middle where Neku and Shiki could just talk about everything. Where she could let down her walls and talk about her insecurities—everything she was scared to tell him up to this point… and then rendezvous with the siblings to finally beat the Noise.

But even with that part of the plan from the beginning, what really made this battle fun was figuring out how the Hex Cait works. I decided since it was a cat Noise to give it nine lives, each one getting increasingly harder. Plus I had other plot points I’d built up by this point—one of the most fun ones being how until this point, Neku refused to use his latent ability. Once the gloves were off and he was willing to help completely, though, I got to play with all sorts of amazing and fun combinations to really get my creativity going with this battle.

And then for another plot point, the negative side of Beat’s curse. I knew I wanted it to go into full effect after this battle, so… well, my evil author side got to peek out for that one. >.>’~~

…oh right, and then there was another plot point with Shiki that made the first chapter of the battle fun… but I actually still haven’t fully explained that one yet, so I’ll hold off on the commentary there. Plus another plot point with Josh I also still can’t talk about, but… >.>’~ His talk with Mr. H during that battle was also some nice foreshadowing to, well, stuff going on now~ So yeah, the repercussions of that battle have also lasted a while after it, which is another fun aspect to play with~ 💕

Anyway! The other thing with this battle is that I actually wrote it while traveling. I was… I forget if I was going to or from my parents’ place, but they live on the other side of the country. So every chance I got, whether it was at an airport or on the plane itself, I opened up my tablet and just wrote. I wrote almost all three chapters in just that day of travel alone, then told Kazea when I had internet again that she had a bunch to edit. :D’’ She was kinda flabbergasted I’d written so much XD’’

And then her edits… She had me add more to the little Neku and Shiki talking scene, but like… Then there was the edit about the final strike. I originally had Mr. Mew erasing the Noise with one final attack… but then Kazea put something about how like Shiki should do a little more. My brain was just like “how???”… so I thought about it…

…and well, I gave her probably one of my favorite moments in the story with how she ended up erasing it herself… I still want to see that drawn some day >.>’~ Not gonna say exactly what she did ‘cause of spoilers, but when Kazea came back and saw that, she was speechless, ‘cause apparently that wasn’t what she meant at all :D’’ But she loved it, and yeah~

[or-something-better]

Sam & Ruby

May 17, 2022

Sam

Sitting back in the kitchen chair, I reach for my beer and try to decipher what I just read. This journal that Crowley had tossed at me this morning, was certainly not light reading material. I’d come to the conclusion right off that Alastair had been as twisted as the tortures he dealt out and I wasn’t really sure what kind of solid information there was to glean from what were ostensibly the ravings of a madman.

Possibly Ruby would be able to make more out of it than I could. Leaning back over it, I went back to work. The irony of Alastair continuing to torture after he’s dead and in the Nothing, was not lost on me. 

Ruby

Popping into the apartment, I glance over, seeing Sam at the kitchen table.

“Hey, Sam.” 

Sam

Jumps at the sound of my name. You’d think as often as it happens, I’d get used to demons snapping in and out, apparently not so far.*

“Hey. I wasn't sure if you’d be here this afternoon or not. Coming from Hell?”

Ruby

“Yeah, another administrative day. Paperwork for the paperwork.” Heading for the fridge, I take out the tea I’d made earlier. “I need a secretary. You wanna be my secretary, Sam? Then I can chase you around the desk at least once a day.” I ask while going to the cupboard for a glass, chuckling.

Sam

Chuckles “I just can’t see myself singing ‘9 to 5’ for you. Since you’re up, hand me another, please?” Holds out the empty beer bottle and trades for a fresh one. “But, you know, if you really do feel like you need help down there, you’ll have to be really careful about finding someone to help, maybe Abbadon?”

 Ruby

Pivoting to the fridge, I grab a beer, hand it to him and take the empty, being sure to rinse it out and put it in the drainer to dry. “Abbadon has proven to be someone I can count on, she’s not really secretary material, but she might be able to help me find someone loyal who is.”  

Looking over at the table, I see Sam engrossed in whatever it was he was reading. “Whatcha reading?” 

Sam

“Something I think you’ll be interested in actually. Crowley literally tossed this at me this morning.” Picking up the Journal “It’s a journal written by Alastair… gotta tell ya, that one gives new meaning to evil in my book. But I’m not figuring out why Crowley seemed so interested. Maybe you’d like to take a look at it?” Holds it out

Ruby

Curious, I took the journal. The mention of Alastair caught my attention right away. Opening it up, I blanch at the contents. How many times had I seen Alastair writing in this? I didn’t need to read far to know it was THE journal.

Sam

Surprise at Ruby’s instant reaction, gives me a really bad growing feeling that there is something else that we are going to need to be on our guard from. Twisting the cap off my second beer, I take a drink while I’m trying to figure out the best way to ask what I need to ask.

“Guess it’s not a stretch to say you’ve seen this before, or maybe heard of it before?”

Ruby

Looking up, I close the journal and hold it tightly.  “Yeah, you could say that.” I grab Sam’s beer and take a long drink.

Sam

Smiles at her tells, I’m getting better about reading and picking up on those subtle little clues she gives off. Standing up to get myself another beer, I give her a minute to see if more information is going to be forthcoming… when it isn't, I take a drink and lean back against the sink.

“I could say that… what exactly am I saying with that? Come on Ruby, we’re beyond secrets don’t you think?”

Ruby

Sitting down, I take a moment to figure out what to share with Sam. I don’t want to overwhelm him with too much information… but this also isn’t a conversation I really wanted to have with him. Shit. I just push forward and let it all out.

“Sam, you know that Alastair was one of Hell’s master torturers.” Unable to remain seated, I stand up and begin to walk around, trying to find the right words.  “You already know that I was tortured by him when I was in Hell. He relished finding new ways of torture. It was kind of his thing, that’s why he started keeping the journal. Any time he came up with some new way to do his job, he would write it down. I was both the recipient and the observer. He LOVED his job.”  Still pacing, I bring up the part I’m sure he doesn’t know…yet.

“You and I have talked about the Demon blade I gave to you. But, what you don’t yet know is that it wasn’t the first Demon blade. There was another one forged before it.”

I pause, waiting to see his reaction before going on. Since he doesn’t want to offer any remarks, I ask “You following along with me so far?”

 Sam

nods “Old history we’ve pretty much talked to death, but you’re right, telling me this was not the first weapon made, implies there were others out there.” Stands up straighter                   “IS this what you're telling me?”

 Ruby

“Well… the original weapon was made to specifically kill Demons, but it was never powerful enough to do so. It would cause them great pain, not allowing them to heal, or to even smoke out of their horribly injured meat suits but would not cause death.”

“The second blade was forged, the one I gave you to use, and infused with even more power than the first, which successfully allowed it to kill Demons.”

“I don’t remember the exact timeframe, but somewhere around the late 1500’s, the first weapon, the demon torture blade, was stolen from the Kurds and never found. At least that’s what I thought. I’d heard it ended up in Ramiel’s possession… but could never track it down. Then once Lucifer was freed, rumors below were that Alastair might have used it. Again never got to fact check that info.”

 Sam

“So you think having Alastair’s own recipes for torture, might give you the answer to that? To what happened to that 1st Kurdish blade?”

Ruby

I sat back down at the table  “Of all the people on Earth to get it after Ramiel, it just  had to be Alastair. He took it as a challenge to find ways to torture Demons, knowing he couldn’t kill them with it.” I had a flashback of knowing this firsthand. The dexterity he had with that blade was of a surgeon with a scalpel “How about, I look this over? We need to make sure we keep this a secret until we can find out more about the whereabouts of the first weapon.”

 Sam

Finding myself in complete agreement, I nod and move over to collect my phone and keys “While you go through that, I’m going to go back and see if I can talk to Crowley about the journal. There’s a reason he gave it to me, I’d just like to make sure we’re all on the same page. I’ll call you with anything I find out, you do the same?” Sets the beer I can’t finish down on the table in front of her, she was gonna need it.

Ruby

“I will. I’ll be right here.” I grab his hand and hold it. “Be careful.”

 Sam

Giving her hand a squeeze  “You too, talk later.”

[galkyrie]

i wish you would write a fic that’s just jason simping for tim, except tim can actually hear it

Oh man poor Jason, let's do this lmao

“Ever since you lost the cowl I’m half convinced I gotta follow you ‘round on patrol to keep you outta trouble.” Hood jokes as he lands on the roof beside Red Robin, easing into his usual spot beside the vigilante. It’d become a routine he enjoyed- them meeting up when their patrols intersected once a week, sharing a few minutes of bullshit or a snack or just the quiet reassurance of the presence of an ally among a city of threats. It was a routine he’d missed while on his last trip with the Outlaws. Judging by the way Tim lights up when he turns to look at him- he’s not the only one.

“I don’t look that young.” Tim answers with a snort before taking a gulp from his water.

“It ain’t about lookin’ young. You’re the kind of pretty no fuckin’ domino can hide, Babybird. Makes a guy worry about your well-being and wanna stare at you all night in the moonlight.” Jason says before he can stop himself, eyes going wide as soon as his brain catches up with his mouth. Tim chokes on his drink, sputtering. He’s still coughing when Jason starts fucking talking again, words falling unbidden from his lips.

“What the fuck. I didn’t mean to say that. I definitely thought it; not like any of that’s exactly new, but-” Tim’s staring at him. Fuck. He wishes he could see the blue of his eyes instead of the white lenses. They’re so pretty at night- turning Gotham’s light pollution into something beautiful reflected back. What he can see of Tim’s face goes pink when he sincerely informs him as much.

“Hood- have you encountered anything strange lately? Maybe on your last mission?” The serious set to his mouth is comforting- at least the man isn’t laughing at him over this. He does his best to try and trace back the last dumb bullshit he encountered was- and let out a horrendous stream of curses as he realizes he’d walked right into this.

Jason hadn’t killed anyone in a long while- well, he hasn’t actively sought out making someone specific dead in a while- but the asshole magic user he and Roy had stopped from draining the life force of an entire town might be the first in a while. “Fuckin’ warlock worshiping Eris, I shit you not.” 

“Wow, I definitely want that story once we figure this out, but- we should- let’s get you to the ‘Cave.” Tim sounds strained. “Maybe we can find a way to reverse this-” 

“Good thinking. You’re so smart, Red. It’s another thing that makes me crazy about you-” A gauntleted hand claps over his mouth before he can volunteer more shit straight from the part of his brain carefully reserved for ‘thoughts on Tim Drake.’ It was supposed to be a vault where he shoved these thoughts as soon as they came and then promptly resealed- but someone had blown the fuckin’ door wide open. That someone was gonna pay. 

“Okay! Right- so this seems like a pretty strong compulsion. So. I can just-” Tim kept his hand over his mouth, looking down and grabbing the hood from his grasp. “-have you made a stealth setting?” Jason nodded against the hand pressing to his lips, not even able to pretend he wasn’t enjoying even this amount of contact. The wizard was going to die for revealing to Tim just how pathetic he was.

“Okay, cool.” Tim nods, apparently pleased with his plan. Jason scrambles to pull on the helmet before he can say anything else, cutting off an invitation for Tim to keep his hands on him halfway through. It muffles the confessions of his affections, allowing him to go on about the many and varied ways he admires Tim in relative privacy. 

He’s not sure it’s better, considering it’s leaving Tim to assume. He should know exactly how he feels in his words- not whatever self-deprecating escape hatch the man in front of him is trying to find in the one-sided silence.

This is humiliating. But try as he might, he can’t bring himself to leave Tim’s side- spare them both the embarrassment of him running his mouth. Seems the compulsion also extended to how badly he wanted to stay close to Tim. Hopefully the physical part of this compulsion didn’t escalate to any other desires. He thought of how he’d gotten back from the mission with almost a single-minded focus on getting to their usual rendezvous point. It was embarrassing to realize he was so used to wanting to be around him that he hadn’t even found skipping dinner in favor of seeking him out to be odd. 

“I’ve got Redbird en route. I don’t want you driving in this state- just ride with me.” Jason nodded, already relieved he didn’t have to focus on the road in his state. He’d much rather watch Tim in action. He’s good at driving- he’s good at everything. He wants- needs to tell him. The hood starts to itch like crazy, a maddening obstacle in his path. 

He manages to grit through the itching for half the drive. “Fuck, that hurts-” are thankfully the first words out of his mouth, though Tim’s looking his way in blatant concern. 

“-You okay?” Tim responding to him immediately eases the ache. 

“-Now that you’re listening, yeah.” He wiped a hand over his face, checking for hives. 

“Oh.” Tim chews on the implications of his words for a moment, before setting his jaw and looking resolutely out the front window. “Then, I’ll keep listening.” It’s all it takes for the floodgates to open. 

“Every day I get to see you is better for it, no matter what shit goes down. You give me one’a your rare little smiles or laugh at something I say and I-.” Tim makes a soft noise, quiet enough that the engine nearly drowns it out, eyes staying on the road. “-I think about it all the time. Making you laugh or smile. Think about what it’d be like to get to take care of you. You don’t take the best care of yourself- like you’re an afterthought and I- you’re not. Not to me.” Oh god, he’s pretty sure he’d prefer the burning to the pained expression that flits across Tim’s pretty features at that- “I’m sorry, Tim-” He scrambles to make that expression go away, anything is better than seeing the man hurting. 

“-I’m sorry.” Tim cuts him off, voice thick as he weaves through traffic with effortless ease. Getting to the ‘Cave and getting him fixed seems to have kicked up to an actual emergency judging by the way he’s driving. The rejection stings. Even if it’s not surprising, that knowing it was the only possible outcome was the reason he’d held it back for as long as he had, it still- hurts. “-you shouldn’t be forced to tell me any of this.” Tim continues, not risking a glance in his direction. Jason’s almost grateful to not have to see the pity undoubtedly in his gaze. 

“I never wanted to put you in this position, Prettybird.” He admits. “I know I’ve got no right to want anything from you-”

“-You haven’t done anything wrong.” Tim grits out, “some asshole magic user forcing this out of you as retribution- I’m so sorry, Jay.” 

Jason’s pretty sure the speed at which they make it to the ‘Cave is a record, tires squealing to a stop once they’re safely inside. Bruce and Alfred are already there, both rushing over. Tim meets them as Jason takes his time getting out of the passenger seat. Tim wasn’t interested- was gently and carefully avoiding even saying as much in a way that made his chest ache in affection and sorrow- and was filling them in on the details. He just- he needed the moment Tim was giving him to get himself together. 

“Jason.” Bruce is heading over once he does get himself under enough control to know he’s not going to start crying in front of the three men. “Can you lie to me?” He does, easily. He lies to Alfred with the same level of difficulty as normal- more than Bruce, but not impossible. 

Turns out he can lie to them about anything but Tim, something he’s sure all three of them regret once he starts answering their questions about the man down to the smallest detail. Bruce and Alfred both have vaguely pained expressions on their faces as he waxes poetic about Tim’s fucking bone structure as he watches the little bird get onto the network and start contacting people who can fix this. 

“Zat’s coming.” Tim interrupts the train of thought he was voicing about how hot it was that Tim was scarily efficient before it can gather too much steam, shooting Jason an apologetic grimace. “Sorry to subject you to Zach but he’s the one that owes me-” 

“Zatanna was not available?” Bruce butts in, shooting Tim a look. 

“No, sorry. Look- I’m not exactly thrilled to call him in either-” Tim pinches the bridge of his nose and huffs. It's adorable. Jason’s pretty sure he coos, judging by the pink crawling up Tim’s neck. “He’s gonna give me so much shit for this.” And that wasn’t good- Jason didn’t want to mess anything up for Tim, not with his allies. 

“Prettybird-” He starts, ignoring the way Bruce and Alfred’s eyebrows raise at the endearment, “you don’t gotta waste a favor on me-” 

“-You deserve to keep your feelings to yourself,” and Tim deserves not to have to hear them, “and Zat’s not that bad.” He assures with a wave of his hand and a small smile. 

Jason can’t help but disagree once he meets the guy. For one, he spends a solid five minutes laughing after Tim explains the situation. He’s not much better about it once he’s actually performing the ritual to tease out the details of his specific curse. “Sorry,” Zat says with a smirk sent Tim’s way that makes Jason kinda want to smack him. “I’ve got an antidote- but you’re not gonna like it.” 

“I’ll do whatever-” 

“Unfortunately, you can’t fix it. Eris is the goddess of chaos, and apparently the most chaotic way to mess with you is to make you honest with Red about something I’m assuming you were never gonna get the nerve to say.” Zach doesn’t wait for him to respond, gesturing to Tim. “The only way to break the curse is to get this boy to be honest back. Couldn’t have been crafted more expertly if they’d known who the object of your heart’s desire was. Sorry, man.” 

Tim blanched, eyes widening behind the domino in a brief flash of panic before smoothing out into a forced calm. Oh. Jason’s heart clenches at the thought, of having to hear the rejection Tim had been delicately skating around since this started. It was inevitable, had been since the moment he’d started feeling this way, but- fuck, this wasn’t fair. 

“Okay, then. Thanks Zat. I’ll um- do that.” Zach snorts, somewhat disbelieving, but does take his leave. Tim fidgets once the man is gone, peeling off his domino and eyeing Bruce and Alfred. “Can you guys, uh. Give us a minute?” Tim was so sweet, letting him down easy in private. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe he’d be cured and able to slink away to lick his wounds without having to see the other two men until he was well and truly over it.

“Tim, you don’t gotta be so worried about how I’m gonna take it, I already know-” He rushes to assure him once the two men made their way up to the manor. His heart had been broken the moment he realized this conversation was inevitable- 

“-I’m sorry,” Tim looks up at him, blue eyes wide, “I know you didn’t want me to know and it’s not fair that this is how I found out-” he lets out a harsh sigh, visibly gathering his courage before continuing, “I-” Tim cuts himself off, making a frustrated noise and shaking his head.

He apparently decides using words for honesty is too hard, because he stalks into Jason’s space and yanks him down into a kiss by the collar of his jacket. Jason’s arms reflexively circle his waist, pulling him in close before he realizes what’s happening. He’s dazed, staring down at him in disbelief when Tim breaks the kiss. “I’m bad with this stuff. You’re- even like this-” 

“You like me?” Jason’s grinning, giddy disbelief lacing his voice. 

“Obviously-” 

“Why didn’t you just say that?” 

“You’re magically cursed! I don’t wanna- I can’t take advantage of that-” Jason pulls him into the kiss this time, humming as Tim slides up against him and wraps his arms around his shoulders to deepen the embrace. 

“I suddenly don’t feel like killing that asshole warlock anymore.” Jason quips, beaming a grin down at a pretty dazed looking Tim. “Maybe I’ll send him a fruit basket.”

“Oh, fuck that. We’re still ruining his day- this should’ve been on our terms and he’s gonna learn why.” This time, when Jason bends down to whisper just how hot he finds that mean streak of his and watches in delight as Tim turns another shade of pink, it’s completely under his own power.