#aka understanding in the form of a human connection or a sense of belonging

[ablizmal]

I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. the parallels and juxtaposition between the pairs of light+misa vs L+juliette.

something i see heavily in both light and misa —one of the only things they have in common, you could say— is that they both adhere to societal expectations. like… to an excessive extent. you know? they both cling onto it for a semblance of normalcy, to capture that feeling of “i belong, i belong, i belong.”

it’s their crutch. in a life full of alienation (for light, not finding meaning in anything, for misa, the immense loneliness and lack of a social life), at the very least they can have this. although they experience alienation, at least they’re not experiencing total isolation— or worse, ostracization, being disapproved of by others.

(that last sentence would be such an eye opening sentence for someone to analyze if english isn’t their first language… /positive)

getting back on topic, light is a VERY repressed person. in the fucking cherry cola universe (aka death note including my s/i), he’s gay but is so deep in the closet he’s not even AWARE he’s in a closet, it’s all he’s ever known.

besides this (or maybe alongside it???), he’s flamboyant. he really, really is, but in canon, we don’t get to see this as much, which i interpret being due to light adhering to everyone’s expectations of him. idk if this specific facet of toxic gender roles is also prevalent in japan, but i can see light, at a certain age (somewhere from 10-12 years old), noticing adults discomfort at his theatrics and stopping immediately. (he’s kind of a daddy’s boy tbh…)

misa, too, is repressed. you KNOW she would love stuff like horror movies, gothic bands, screamo, metal, and the likes, but she doesn’t. the only interests she has that we’re aware of in canon is the occult and fashion. this is for sure due to the writer of death note’s inherent misogyny in every female character he writes, but if you employ some ingenuity (like me (⟡⸝⸝U_U) *ੈ ‧₊˚ .), you can view misa’s lack of characterization as a foreboding sign that misa isn’t okay.

misa doesn’t have any friends. we know this.

her modeling coworkers aside, the only friend we hear misa talk about is her occult friend, and she never mentions her again past the video tape arc. (yeah, that’s what i’ll call misa’s introduction chapters. why not? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

this coupled with her parents being murdered… misa is desperate for any sort of approval from others. i mean think about it— outside of her modeling career, she doesn’t interact with anyone! she has a room full of personal items (plushes, posters, furniture, etc), which can be completely normal, but for the sake of my headcanons, has accumulated so much from her spending loads of time by herself, in her house, alone. this is the main setting she’s in. of COURSE she’s gonna get bored with the minimalism of it and add her own personal touches!

one of the few forms of self expression she allows herself to have is her fashion, but there’s a well known subculture for that fashion in japan (harajuku, but i’m pretty sure misa’s is gothic harajuku specifically). so, to sum it up— misa has a group of people who understand her fashion sense, therefore she belongs somewhere.

(note: i am NOT insinuating that misa only wears gothic fashion to fit in somewhere. that’s a stupid af take and it just doesn’t fit misa’s vibes to be perfectly honest. what i am saying, however, is that misa freely expresses her unconventional fashion sense because she knows there are others like her. that’s all. (this is likely one of the only unconventional groups of people she’s knowledgeable about.))

i’d even say that misa is highly intelligent, given how she gathered credible evidence that higuchi is the new kira in the yotsuba arc, but she intentionally hides it. why, you ask?

because she knows she’ll be undermined by men, and she seeks approval over anything, she’s substituting it for human connection, so she just… tucks it away. (fuck, maybe she believes that her intellect will be undermined by everyone as a result of the murderer of her parents never being convicted despite her testimonies…)

there’s also a Whole Other Instance (slash personal interpretation) i could bring up here, but i’ll just make that its own post, because this one is already WAY longer than i ever thought it was gonna be.

and we’re only halfway there, boys…

touching upon the thesis of this now pseudo-essay, L and juliette are unconventional. and they don’t care lol.

it’s well known that L doesn’t give a particular shit about how he comes across to others. like the dude’s rich, he could buy whatever clothes he wants, but he chooses to wear his usual clothes because of sensory issues he wants to. his hair is messy and he doesn’t need to comb it because of how short it is, he sits in that gargoyle pose, and he doesn’t hold back on using his deferential vocabulary when the situation permits it.

before the kira case, he would solve cases from a dark room. sounds fine enough… until you hear that there is no furniture in this room and his PC setup is on the floor. 😭

L also is either unaware of social cues or doesn’t care about them, or doesn’t care enough to learn about them, leading to scenes such as:

or him dropping loaded comments like they aren’t as massive as they are.

he admits with no hesitance that he can be childish when it comes to competition. childish… he’s using an insulting word for what it is at its core— a word to describe certain attributes. (he is quite literally ignoring what the conventional intent of the word is.)

likewise, even around the taskforce, he persists in his typical demeanor, what with his stare that bores into your soul, or slunking around in public, hunched over, his appearance coming off as ghoulish with his pale skin and shadowed eyes. (i’m not saying this as a negative, btw, i love his haunting aura,,, 💗∀💗)

and juliette?? juliette embraces the unconventional with every fiber of her being. as long as she’s alive, she will always endorse the unconventional so long as it’s harmless (because what’s wrong with it if it’s not hurting anyone?). they hate the word “normal” being used for non-universal experiences. having a certain blood pressure is normal. there is no such thing as a “normal” hairstyle, that comes down to personal preference.

she LOATHES the enforcement of conformity. it pisses them off to the point that they go out of their way to be even MORE unconventional, as a way of telling closeminded’s, “fuck OFF, there is nothing wrong with us, with people like me, and if you do have a problem with me, then you can kiss my heels, cause they’re landing in your face anyways!”

when it won’t come with bullshit consequences (like being treated unfairly at their job for being open about her genderqueerness :/), she doesn’t bite their tongue. they speak their mind if they hear someone spewing the most terrible of things, whether covertly or not, which is what makes juliette the only person to come to heads with light time and time again. (let’s face it, light is the type of person to get away with saying microagressions, and since he believes he’s right, he drops them way too often. and no one SAYS anything about it because “no no, light does mean it like ~that!~ he’s so RESPECTFUL and KIND :(((((((((((”)

she isn’t afraid to express her joy and wonder, even at the smallest of things. they know they can be ridiculed and judged for it, but they also recognize the importance of small joys, and that significance outweighs ANY judgement that may be hurled her way.

that’s kind of juliette’s whole thing, actually. if anyone judges her for her unconventionality, she says “so? what are you gonna do about it? gonna go into my brain and rewrite everything about me? huh?” jdksjdksjdkajxjs, she can get VERY snarky about this, but they are proving a point, which is “BITCH, who asked?”

light: …you sure do have a unique laugh, juliette.¹

juliette: well, Boy Genius,² what’s a normal laugh then? huh? what is the typical pattern emerging from instinct which creates the phenomenon known as a laugh? present me with evidence. write me about all your findings, since you’re apparently so knowledgeable about this topic. (mockingly tilts head) it shouldn’t be so hard!~ (❀ ˶ ⁍̴̛ ◡ ⁍̴̛˶)

1) just one of light’s MANY casual insults that he can justify away due to plausible deniability.

2) yes, like jimmy neutron. (FUN FACT, i just found out by creating this exchange (and subsequently checking to see if juliette making this reference is possible in ~2003, given the manga’s timeline) that the jimmy neutron series first aired in 2002. i would’ve sworn from vibes alone that it started in 2007, but eh, “the more you know,” amiright??)

(how the fuck do i even get back on topic after that tonal shift)

to summarize,

light and misa are both people who care heavily about what other people think of them. they conform to what’s expected of them, even if that means closing themselves off from potential happiness.

whereas L and juliette are so authentic. okay, well, maybe L isn’t authentic around prime suspect, light yagami, but!! in all the time he’s known light, he still continued to eat sweets and only sweets, y’know?? if it won’t hinder him solving the kira case, L shows up as himself, odd quirks and all (🥰).

L and juliette have discovered the secrets of the universe, that secret being “i am cringe, but i am free.” (✿ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)

but it’s not so cut and dry as that, as they have varying degrees… no, different ways that this presents itself.

misa is more likely to be swayed if in the right environment (like how she had a friend who engaged in the occult).

L doesn’t care what others think about him. he is SO uncaring, in fact, that he doesn’t feel the need to explain his behavior.

but light and juliette… they’re in leagues of their own.

light has NO identity beyond what others expect of him. this is one of the reason why he’s depressed at the beginning of the series. he’s become everything everyone’s ever wanted— for his family, he’s the perfect son and brother. for his classmates, he’s the perfect student, the perfect friend, is TOTAL boyfriend material (apparently???¿? i can’t see it lmao).

yet it’s meaningless. everything that’s supposed to be fun, like spending time with friends, going out, karaoke, hobbies, playing games, sports, academics, dating… it’s meaningless to light. it’s too predictable, he’s too smart for it, really… so it’s not his fault. it’s not his fault it’s not entertaining to him! it just so happens that he’s better, and more intelligent, than everyone else.

to cope with his alienation, he shoves himself onto a pedestal, eventually diminishing and forgetting the whole point of such human activities. he spits in the face of humanity.

he’s above it all.

but juliette embraces human life. she loves the humans, and sees the inherent worth in the human experience! she condones recreational activities such as singing, dancing, playing, relaxing. they believe that our connections with others is what makes life worth it, even if it’s connections so complex and distant that you can’t even witness them (think of produce at your local supermarket. they wouldn’t be there if the farmers who grew them didn’t exist).

juliette supports self expression above all else, whether that’s through emotions, music, writing, art… any creative means, really! it’s also why she’s so vehement about presenting the way you want through fashion, or socially, through words (heyo, genderqueer nation (⌐ᗜᴗᗜ)).

i mean, this song is one of juliette’s anthems:

these beliefs run deep in their bones. she wouldn’t be the same person without them.

in this way, light is the antithesis to juliette. light is the one who lies about himself to others the most. juliette sticks true to themself as much as she can and HATES conformity SO much that she actively spites people who wish to enforce it.

which is why they are at each other’s throats (mostly) through words.

if misa is more easily swayed, then light stands firm in his need to be acceptable to others.

if L is quiet, but content, with his eccentricities, then juliette is loud and open about hers.

[nefertiti-fooling-fellow]

A Study of Good Omens and Taylor Swift Lyrics

AKA: These are the songs/lyrics from Taylor Swift songs that I connect to Good Omens (in honors of 1989 (Taylor’s Version))!!

1. YOU ARE IN LOVE (1989)

Hands down my favorite Taylor Swift song EVER.

Here are some lyrics that I think fits the Ineffable Spouses:

One look, dark room

Meant just for you

I mean…Aziphale and Crowley having to communicate through glances and touch because they can never really say they truly mean through the ages?

Time moved too fast

You play it back

Crowley literally STOPPING TIME because Aziraphale threatens to stop speaking to him!!! Simp behavior!!

You're my best friend

THEY. ARE. BEST. FRIENDS.

And you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars

And why I've spent my whole life tryin' to put it into words

To me, it makes sense that they wouldn’t really have a good grasp of individual love quite yet at the beginning. Angels like Aziraphale are obligated to love ALL of God’s creation, but that’s a very distant kind of love. Crowley, a demon, whose very job description details that pure love is something he cannot feel.

But as they spend more time around humans, they finally realize the quiet companionship they feel around each other is LOVE. They find love in each other, in the simple pleasures of the human world around them.

(Am I reading into this too much?? Who knows! I’m having fun, I hope you’re having fun, let’s continue)

2. Dancing With Our Hands Tied (Reputation)

I loved you in secret

Self-explanatory.

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

I think this line relates to both of them, especially recalling the Job minisode in S2E2. They were both lonely, both struggling with their faith in their respective sides but found common ground and a sense of belonging with each other!!!

I loved you in spite of

Deep fears that the world would divide us

I think this is self-explanatory again but it just needed to be said, such a good lyric.

Yeah, we were dancing

And I had a bad feeling

But we were dancing

This lyric reminds me of their Arrangement. I see a lot of people on here describing the rituals that Aziraphale and Crowley form over the years as an intricate “dance” around one another and I wholeheartedly agree.

Even though they don’t really think of each other as “hereditary enemies” (case in point: “foul fiend! After you,” from Season 1, Aziraphale stopping mid-smiting in S2E2 when he recognizes Crowley, “I trust you,” in S2E4, the Arrangement, etc…) they still dance the same lines of arguing that they are on different sides and therefore inherently different because their hands were tied (metaphorically) by their respective loyalty to Heaven or Hell.

3. Wildest Dreams (1989)

This song feels to me like it’s from Aziraphale’s point of view, if we were to relate it to the Husbands.

Exhibit A:

I thought Heaven can't help me now

Nothing lasts forever

Yeah…sounds familiar?

He's so tall and handsome as hell

I just think that this is how Aziraphale would pine over Crowley in his mind, it’s very…Austen, he would write this in his diary with a glitter pen.

I said, "No one has to know what we do"

Did someone say the Arrangement? Unlikely alliance??? Perchance.

4. Peace (folklore)

If Wildest Dreams is Aziraphale’s pining moment, then Peace is Crowley’s.

All these people think love's for show

But I would die for you in secret

Angels in heaven has no concept of love, they believe Crowley wholeheartedly when he says “you have to wait a few days and see,” and even Crowley himself thinks that love is equivalent to sheltering under the rain and sharing one sweet, perfect kiss.

But that’s not why we, the watchers, recognize that Crowley loves Aziraphale, we see that when he walks through consecrated ground and saves Aziraphale’s book!! Crowley cares!! He would do anything to make sure Aziraphale’s safe!! And that’s love!!

The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me

THEY. ARE. FRIENDS.

5. Right Where You Left Me (evermore)

Season 2, Episode 6. Yeah.

[turbocao]

the lonely stoic badass dude character trope bores me so much bc theres one of those in every piece of media and ppl always obsess over every single thing they do even if it's been done 329804 times before, so i was 100% predisposed to be bored by ogata in golden kamuy like oh boy here we go again, but i was ultimately unable to dislike him and i think the main difference between him and other Lone Wolf type of characters is that in most media the BadAss Stoic Loner™️ usually saves the day with his individualistic, pragmatic choices and is often regarded as a hero by the rest of the cast, therefore portraying drastic individualism as the most effective way to go about life (at least as long as you're strong and badass enough to be able to afford relying on no one but yourself), but in golden kamuy Ogata does the complete opposite of saving the day (although it's mostly by his own choice) and he is not heroic at all. the other characters do not admire him or rely on his sniping skill to get by more than they rely on anybody else's skills. what's more, he IS flawed. there is none of that bullshit many media do where they pretend being lonely and cold-blooded is a flaw, then showing you the BadAss Stoic Loner™️'s tear-jerking backstory and expecting you to feel bad for them when theyre nothing but the 438th male power fantasy self-insert character of the year.

Ogata's backstory DOES make you feel bad for him AND doesn't erase any of the actual flaws he has. and im meaning flaw as in "trait that plays AGAINST the character, not in their favor. being ruthless or cruel or lacking empathy does not count as a flaw if the character in question still gets what they want thanks to their ruthlessness or cruelty or lack of empathy. im meaning ogata being not so good at hand to hand combat, which limits the number of ways he can approach situations, and him being good at lying and pretending but clearly not so good with words that he earns Asirpa's trust thus failing to get the code from her (!)

at least thats how i see it! im thankful for this refreshing take on the lone wolf type of character.

he's also very clown-able, but i think that has more to do w the fact that he's the token serious character surrounded by chaos (in a sargeant tsukishima (my beloved) type of way), so that's not entirely on him.

although the way you watch him reach the wrongest possible conclussions about his own past & trauma is p funny too, if only bc you, as the reader, know better, and bc the story doesnt dwell on it too much, bc it is sad when you stop to think about it, but if you dont its like lol dumb ogata he didnt realize he always had inner worth as a child it was not his fault that his mother didnt love him, he only made it worse by pushing everyone away huhuhu what a dummy

(and there's also the way the author chose to portray his backstory. like, you know there's so much more going on but what we see is young ogata going "broccoli for dinner again, mother?!" *gun loading noises*)

[sylvie--laufeydottir]

an obligatory analysis of sylvie’s character (aka: who betrayed who?)

in case you can’t tell, i like sylvie. but here’s a big fuckin post where i share my thoughts on her role in the finale in a sort of disjointed kind of way.

NOTE: this isn’t about sylki. i don’t ship it personally, but that isn’t really relevant to this at all. this also doesn’t go into the criticisms i have of the show because this isn’t really the place for that. maybe i can do that later, whatever.

also, this is gonna be a long post. i have a lot of thoughts.

sylvie’s introduction and motivations

one of the first things we learn about sylvie is her opposition to the tva. (okay, it’s literally the first thing, whatever.) in episode 3, we get to see her entire plan - overthrow whoever’s running the tva, and... that’s it. loki questions her about the power vacuum that would leave, to which she shows that she’s not interested in running the tva. (this is also stated in ep 2.) her goals are clear. she wants rid of the entire organisation, and doesn’t care about or want the sort of power that would come with pulling the strings.

her reasoning for this seems pretty simple. she doesn’t want the power ruling the tva would entail because she knows what it’s like to be on the other end of that deal. she had everything taken from her as a child, and doesn’t want that to happen to anybody else. she believes that that kind of power belongs to nobody, not even herself.

this easily establishes her as a character who, despite having an ego, has principles that trump everything else. she’s very dedicated to her cause; the ‘never at the expense of the mission’ line in ep 3 just states it out loud. her entire life has been dedicated to this cause. this is a good time to segue into the next section...

sylvie’s personality, character and flaws

she’s fuckin stabby.

despite only really being present for 4 out of the 6 episodes of the show, we manage to get a pretty good idea of sylvie’s personality right from the start thanks to episode 3 being largely a character study with both her and loki. she’s shown as a very competent and strong character - however, contrary to marvel’s guidebook on writing female characters, those aren’t personality traits. what we actually see of her is that she’s very confident, and has a tendency to be rude or dismissive of other people. episode 3 has a bunch of examples of this, but the easiest one to point to is the fireworks scene. after loki does something nice to cheer her up, something which visibly works, her response is to waive it away as ‘not bad’.

her coldness in this scene even after bonding with loki is likely due to her upbringing. sylvie spent the majority of her life, including her childhood, on the run, unable to form relationships with people who weren’t moments away from dying. it feels a bit redundant for me to point this out, but this is, as they say in the medical field, mega fucking traumatic. not only did sylvie not have the opportunity to form these kinds of connections, she couldn’t even develop the ability to form them. loki is a bandaid to cover a bullet hole in this regard, one she needs years to heal from. while she does bond with him to an extent, she is physically unable to trust him to the point where they can be considered close.

another thing we learn about sylvie is that she’s very violent - and that she enjoys it. being a character that grew up running from an organisation that wanted her dead, it makes sense for her first instinct to be confrontational. however, despite having to fight to survive, she visibly takes pleasure from fighting. this was brought up in an interview with sophia (that i am not going to link here, because tumblr is kind of a hellsite and i’m not in the mood for that today). here’s a nice extract instead.

“She's not trained like Loki is,” Di Martino continues. “She can't do some of the flourishes that he would, but she's figured out how to brawl. She's a street fighter and she loves it. That was a really great key to unlocking part of Sylvie for me, was how much she just loves a fight. She knows that she's either going to win, or if she isn't going to win, she'll survive. She's that damaged character who's dangerous because she knows she can survive.”

her tendency towards violence is actually a key part of sylvie’s character. this works as both a strength and a flaw. on the one hand, she’s able to survive scrapes most other characters wouldn’t, and she knows that. she’s not one to freeze in most (note: most) scenarios, because she knows what to expect. on the other hand, violence isn’t always the answer, and she’s very unlikely to consider any other option than a fight.

her enchantment abilities tie into this - they’re another weapon for her to use, and one she’s not afraid to call on. however, her eagerness to enchant people without hesitation puts her in a pretty bad place morally. her enchantment clearly leaves hunter c-20 traumatised, and yet she’s more than willing to enchant people for the sake of the mission. she’s also relatively dismissive of human sentient lives. an early example of this is in episode 2, where loki asks her if the person she had enchanted was dead, to which she responds with a casual ‘they usually survive’. additionally, she’s more than willing to fight the guards on the train in episode 3, despite them seeing her as a threat for completely understandable reasons.

in the case of the guards, her reasoning for placing such little value on their lives is likely that they’re about to die anyways. everyone on lamentis is doomed, so from her point of view, whether they die at her hands or at the hands of the moon from majora’s mask isn’t really important. however, c-20 is a different story. sylvie places next to no value on the lives of the tva’s workers, content to slaughter them en masse for the sake of her goal. this is despite her knowing that every one of the tva workers is a variant plucked from the sacred timeline. this sets up a weird sort of transactional nature in how sylvie views other people - to her, they’re less important than the mission, and she doesn’t hesitate to eliminate threats.

was this a long section? this was a long section. i would like to call back to the fact that this is not a sylki post for this next part. and also to praise anyone that got this far, because fucking hell, is this excessively long or what? who would have the time to write this out?

sylvie’s bond with loki

i want to go back to that whole thing about her relationship with loki. he’s the first person she’s really spoken to since she was a child who isn’t about to face imminent death. furthermore, despite their differences, they have quite a lot in common - enough to hit it off surprising well for two people who kind of want to kill each other. they’re able to relate on common ground like frigga, and even though they clash due to loki’s initial carelessness, they’re overall able to get along well enough aside from occasional bickering. the blanket scene from episode 5 is probably the best example of this. sylvie allows herself, albeit briefly, to be vulnerable around loki.

except, not really. one of the first things she does is tries to ensure he won’t betray her. i’ve seen somebody cite this before as proof that her fondness towards him isn’t real, and that she was planning on betraying him from the start, hence why it was on her mind. that’s definitely possible, but i think it’s far more likely that it’s just her difficulties connecting to people stopping her from feeling safe around him even as they share a nice moment. she really does seem to care about loki - an easy example of this is her asking how he is during episode 4 without being prompted. she’s just unable to properly process these kinds of feelings due to an incomprehensible amount of trauma. as loki puts it, she can’t trust.

and loki can’t be trusted. she knows - or at least, thinks she knows - his nature as a trickster and a villain. loki embodies a part of sylvie that she considers herself completely separate from; the tva-approved liar whose purpose is to bring out the best in others. while she does show him more decency than to treat him like that, at the end of the day, he represents something that makes her deeply uncomfortable, hence her rejection of the loki name. despite what they have in common, loki is an incredibly difficult person to trust, especially for somebody who has deep-rooted trust issues. so, this brings us onto...

who betrayed who?

so, sylvie and loki make it to kang’s castle. after all this time, she’s finally about to reach her life’s goal. she’s clearly nervous - this is out of her comfort zone, unlike most fights. loki reassures her, and they head in. they meet kang, learn the true nature of the tva, have the opportunity to kill him...

and loki stops her.

loki’s motivations are left ambiguous. the uncharitable interpretation is that he wants to rule the tva for himself, as per kang’s offer. he’s expressed such an interest to sylvie before. for the loki we know in avengers 1, this seems perfectly in character.

however, for the loki we’ve seen in the show, there’s a different option. he believes kang’s threat that there are multiple of him, and that killing him won’t solve anything. to him, he isn’t willing to risk unknown horrors for the sake of taking his revenge out on kang. this is the loki who offered diplomacy and guile to counteract sylvie’s brute force.

but sylvie, who can’t trust, assumes the worst.

to her, loki was the one who betrayed her. they had a plan - find whoever pulls the strings, and destroy them. to her, loki’s hesitation isn’t caution, but treachery. taking kang’s offer to rule the tva is exactly what she thinks she should’ve expected from the guy who hurts everybody who loves him. her fight or flight responses kick in, and she chooses the one she always chooses. loki’s attempts to reassure her fall on deaf ears, not just because she doesn’t want to trust him, but because she’s physically incapable of it. she makes the short-sighted decision of brute force, just like she did back on lamentis, because it’s all she’s ever known, and the cause she’s dedicated her life to.

from the outside, it looks like sylvie was the one who betrayed loki, but things look pretty different from where she’s standing.

this is why i take issue with people calling sylvie a ‘villain’ or questioning whether this was her plan for the start. in my opinion, her motivations line up pretty clearly as a creature of habit, one who panics at the first hint of smoke and pushes away the first person she’s been able to bond with for the sake of self-preservation. did she make the wrong decision? unquestionably - the effects of her actions will no doubt plague the multiverse (and the mcu, for us) for as long as they go unchecked. but she made the only decision she was capable of making, and that’s not villainous, just tragic.

conclusion

well, this is a kind of depressing way to finish this post. for what it’s worth, though, i don’t think sylvie is a doomed character. regardless of how brief it was, she did show a real connection with loki. just because something requires a lot of healing doesn’t make it impossible. this is why i like sylvie as a character so much; she’s deeply flawed and complex, but that complexity makes her interesting, and relatable. marvel has a long history of sexy lamps and supposed ‘tortured backstories’, but sylvie is the first time they paid attention to this with their character writing without having to give somebody a wholeass prequel movie. with loki confirmed to appear in multiverse of madness, i’m hoping we see more of sylvie - not as a villain, but as a hero who can overcome her past experiences and rise to better things.

or maybe another kang shows up and kills her immediately. who knows.

[doc-pickles]

i put a spell on you (because you’re mine)

story time: when i wrote my smut for taylor swift week i told lay aka @odd-birds-and-booksellers that i would never ever write it again and she insisted i would. it physically pains me to say this but she was right...

i wrote soulmate au smut and i’m not ashamed of it. well maybe a little. mostly i’m ashamed that this bad boy is what i put the most work into for our whole challenge. anyways enjoy.

tw// sexual content. that’s the whole fic. 

Jo knows how silly she sounds, to hope that someone out there might be her soulmate, but there’s still a small part of her filled with hope that the tall tales people tell are somehow true.

  As a doctor, Jo had taken more than her fair share of classes on anatomy and human sexuality, each one highlighting the fact that while soulmates haven’t been scientifically proven, there’s evidence to suggest otherwise. She feels almost childish buying into the belief that there’s someone out there that’s another half of her, she’s a scientist at heart and doesn’t let herself believe in such foolish ideas. However, she’d worked cases in her med school clinic and even in the Grey Sloan ER where people were overwhelmed with burning desire to… well you know. 

  Jo thinks she was in middle school when she’d first heard the whispers, that if you found your soulmate there was a way to know for sure that they were it. Your first touch, no matter how minute, would send you and your soulmate spinning with the desire to consummate your relationship. It was probably the craziest thing she’d ever heard of, but it crossed her mind every once in a while. There was an all too real possibility that the legends people told were true and that was something she didn’t know if she could live with. She’d already loved her fair share of men and if the soulmate legend was to be believed, she’d yet to find hers.

  There was Chris, the sweetest and most understanding boy she’d ever met. Their long nights spent in the backseat of her car and the way he’d toted her around to his fancy high class events like she was a treasure had made her feel her first sense of belonging. However for all the times they’d touched, there had never been that overwhelming feeling that Jo had craved. Sometimes she felt bad about the ending she wrote for them, but she knew that wherever he was Chris was doing big important things and she couldn’t help but be proud of that.

  Then there was Paul… While Jo was grateful not to have some eternal soul bond connecting her to him, she had still at some point been in love with him. Before they’d rushed off to the altar in his haste to legally tie her to him, Paul had been sweet and kind and really had made her fall in love. Of course things had gone down a path that Jo didn’t like to think about, but the sentiment of lost love was always there.

  Since coming to Seattle though, Jo’s love life had consisted mainly of a random hookup here and there, her mind putting away the idea that soulmates really did exist. In fact, it wasn’t even something she thought of at all as she let random men claw their way down her back or grind their hips into her own. Stephanie had called her a one hit wonder, but that’s easy to say when you’re constantly getting amazing sex with a man who looks like Jackson Avery.

  “Jo come on,” Leah called from the living room of the small apartment they shared. “I look hot and the longer we stay here, the harder I have to work to find a man who isn’t shit faced.”

  Adjusting her headband once more, Jo stuffs her thin wallet into her bra and leaves her bedroom. Joe’s was holding a Halloween party and Leah and Jo were not going to miss out on the festivities. Jo eyed Leah’s firefighter costume that left little to the imagination, the blonde confident in her abilities to snag an actual firefighter during their night out with the ensemble.

  “Look at you Wilson, you’re gonna be pulling them left and right out there,” Leah let out a low whistle as she took in Jo’s costume. “Naughty and nice indeed. Let’s get out there!”

  Jo had opted for a simple angel costume, her figure hugging dress just barely covering her ass and the low cut neckline showing off her assets well. She knew Seattle was freezing in October, but if this dress got her laid she couldn’t complain much. 

  Tugging at the hem of her dress, Jo followed Leah’s lead out the door of their apartment and towards the Uber she’d called while Jo finished getting ready. She’d had a long week at work and all she wanted to do was get drunk and go home with a guy who would take care of the physical needs her body was desperately craving to fulfill.

  “I heard a bunch of the fellows are coming out tonight, maybe you’ll get one of them to get into your pants,” Leah’s eyes were glued to her phone as she spoke. “Personally I’m hoping one of those hot EMTs rolls by. I would love to get a piece of that action.”

  Jo’s eyes bulged at Leah’s suggestion, scoffing at her friend, “Jeez you don’t beat around the bush. Besides there’s not really any hot fellows that are on the market still.”

  “Mmm Karev is,” Leah looked up from her phone, just in time to see Jo duck her head down. “And let me tell you, he is a fantastic lay.”

  “Leah! Jesus!”

  “I’m just saying, I’ve seen the guys you bring home and I’m sure none of them are completely satisfying your needs,” Leah shrugged, eyes looking out the window with a grin. “And we’re here! Thank god, I’m ready for shots.”

  Jo rolls her eyes, following Leah out of the car and into the crowded bar. The throngs of people help Jo’s body to warm up a bit as her and Leah push through the crowds. 

  “Oh! Grab those barstools, I’ll go get us drinks,” Leah pointed to an empty table in the corner, motioning Jo towards it as she headed for the bar. 

  Jo settles herself into one of the seats, pulling her phone out to distract her until Leah comes back. She needs alcohol desperately, she needs to be drunk and she needs to get laid. Whatever else happens tonight doesn’t matter as long as those two things happen. 

  She’s pulled out of her thoughts by someone sitting in the seat next to her. Already annoyed with them, Jo turns to chew out whoever decided tonight was the night to mess with her, “Listen, I don’t know who you think- Oh.”

  Sitting next to her was Alex Karev, dressed in casual street clothes and taking pulls off the beer in his hand. She hadn’t seen him all day, she’d been working in ortho with Torres, so he wasn’t an unwelcome sight. 

  “You gonna continue yelling at me Princess? Or maybe I should call you Angel tonight,” Alex grinned at Jo, flicking the halo atop her head as she rolled her eyes at him. “You come down here all alone?”

  “No I came with Leah, she’s grabbing us drinks. She’s been gone forever though.”

  “Yeah well she’s making out with some guy in the corner,” Alex’s eyes scanned the room and pointed the blonde out to Jo, who grimaced. “Doing that in public should be illegal.”

  A laugh left Jo, taking in Alex as he surveyed the room. They’d worked together a lot lately, developing a close relationship that consisted of them joking during surgeries then coming to the bar for a few rounds of beers. He was funny, more charming than most gave him credit for, and he had a huge heart for the kids he worked with. It was easy for Jo to form a bond with him, something that Stephanie teased her about whenever she had the chance. 

  “Come on, I need a new beer and I’ll get you one too, only cause I feel bad that you got ditched,” Alex stood and gestured for Jo to follow him towards the bar. “So you trying to get laid tonight?”

  “Oh my god! Alex!”

“Oh please, I’m not hitting on you. That dress just tells me everything I need to know. Besides, I’m sure any guy in this place would take you home,” Jo almost has to laugh at Alex’s commentary as they walk towards the bar. “Seriously, I’d be shocked if you didn’t get laid tonight. You look hot.”

  A snappy comeback is on the tip of her tongue when Jo finds herself all but pushed towards Alex as a pair of stumbling idiots behind her attempt to find their footing. Alex’s hands reach out to steady her, falling to her bare arms as they lock eyes. 

  Holy shit. 

  The feeling coursing through Jo is unrecognizable and familiar all at once. Her eyes lock with Alex’s, noticing the dark look that’s taken over them as they hold each other’s stares. Her skin is burning where his hand is still laid across it, the sensation rippling out across her body and sending a chill down her spine. Despite not having a drop of alcohol tonight, Jo’s head is fuzzy and her senses fluctuate uneasily as she processes what’s just happened. 

  “ Oh fuck .”

  The words leave Alex’s mouth and tug harshly at something deep within Jo’s core, her panties immediately soaking themselves at just the sound of his voice. What the hell was happening to her? Alex pulled his hand back from her arm, the absence turning wheels in her mind that told her to touch him again, to bring him closer and not to stop. She could tell from the way he was fidgeting that he felt the same intense feeling pulsing through his body that she did. 

  Was this it? Was this that all consuming feeling that people talked about? Her mind was screaming at her, telling her to press her lips to Alex’s to feel more of the electricity crackling through her veins. She couldn’t though, she realized as reality slapped her harshly across her face, there were so many reasons why she couldn’t shouldn’t do this but… 

  The feeling building inside of her comes to a startling peak as Alex leans close to her, his breath fanning across her neck as he wraps an arm around her waist. The fire inside of her reignites as Alex’s fingers brush against her bare skin again, the apex of her thighs burning at how close his body is to hers. She can barely comprehend what he’s saying, her mind clouded by a thick fog that threatens to consume her whole being, but the words he speaks drag her up as if she’d been drowning and he was a fresh breath of air, “Bathroom, now .”

  Jo just nods, not trusting herself to speak as she watches Alex weave through the crowd of people and disappear behind the bathroom door. Her heart is hammering, her mind on another plane as her feet carry her down the same path she’d just watched Alex take. 

  She had a soulmate. Jo couldn’t believe it, she had found the person she would spend the rest of her life with and it was Alex Karev. She’d thought that he might be different, that he might be special in a way she wouldn’t dare to say out loud. But she had also thought she was wrong, their first interaction consisting of their gloved hands brushing against one another in a rush to grab trauma gowns. Then again in the NICU as they high fived each other nothing had happened. Still rounds of radio silence as Alex pressed his hand into back when they’d walked the halls, when she’d settled a hand comfortingly onto his shoulder after they’d lost a patient, and again when they’d worked in the OR and their hands had passed surgical tools back and forth. 

  Jo realizes then that her and Alex, for all the times they’d touched each other, had never touched each other’s bare skin. Her arm begins to burn at that thought, the spot that Alex had grabbed her tingling as if begging for his touch again. Her body was no longer her own, Jo thought, as it thrummed and yearned for Alex Karev of all people to touch her in places she wouldn’t dare to say out loud. She stops suddenly as she stands in front of the bathroom door, breath coming out in spurts as she stares at the wood. Once she walked in, her life would be changed forever. She contemplated not going, turning around and leaving the bar altogether, but the longing building in her core wouldn’t stop, an all consuming need to walk into whatever unknowns faced her if it meant Alex would be there too. 

  With a silent resolve, Jo pushed open the door, quickly shutting and locking it behind her. As soon as she turned around, she felt lips against her own that helped quell the burning need deep in her belly. She couldn’t help the low moan that left her, Alex using the movement as an opportunity to sneak his tongue into her mouth. His fingers were running up her legs, moving dangerously closer to the hem of her skirt as she pressed herself closer to his touch. 

  “You… I knew there was something about you,” Alex’s lips were trailing down her neck now, Jo’s skin flaming hot as his tongue darted out to cool the skin. “Should’ve known it was you.” The moan that leaves her as Alex’s tongue pulls down the strap of her dress and licks a path down to her breast is almost embarrassing in how desperate it sounds. It feels like she’s lost control of herself, her body reacting to Alex in ways she never would normally. Her fingers are running through his hair, eyes closing as she leans back against the wall in pleasure. She finds her free hand moving of its own will, snaking down Alex’s chest and under his shirt to claw at the skin there. 

  “ Alex . Off.”

  She can’t get more words out than that, her fingers moving to try and push off his shirt in a daze. He takes the hint and pulls back to rip it off himself, his fingers then moving to quickly undo the clasp of her bra. Alex pushes her dress down quickly and throws her bra to the side, hands coming up to pinch her nipples in a way that makes her hold back a scream. Jo knows that with less clothing the air should feel cooler but her body instantly heats up as Alex’s bare chest meets her own, his lips colliding with hers again as her nails rake down his back. 

  She’s had sex before, she’s had phenomenal sex with different partners, but this… the connection she feels with Alex as their bodies melded together was unreal. They hadn’t even taken their pants off yet and Jo knew that this was by far the best sex she would ever have. 

  “Oh Jesus,” while trapped in her own mind, Jo hadn’t noticed Alex’s fingers moving lower and slipping under the thin lace of her panties. Now that she has though, she can’t ignore him or his fingers that are curling so easily into her and hitting her so deliciously that it feels as if he’d done it a thousand times before. “ Alex .”

  “Say it again.”

  His voice is rough and desperate against her lips, her head tilting back in pure ecstasy as his fingers continue to move inside of her. 

  “Oh god, Alex . Please don’t stop. Alex , Alex .”

  His name sounds different on her tongue, the word rolling off so easily that she wants to say it again and again until her voice is hoarse and she has no more words left. His breath is hot against her neck, hitting in time with the fingers that are still stretching her and bringing her closer and closer to her breaking point. She’s close, she’s so close and she knows he can feel it, Alex’s lips trailing back down her neck to bite lightly at her breast. 

  “You’re gonna be the death of me,” his voice is a growl, teeth skating her skin as she whimpers. Jo can feel herself ready to fall over the edge, her body tensing in the best way as she digs her nails into Alex’s shoulder. “Come on baby, you’re so close. Come for me.” His voice sends her over the edge, the words falling from his lips sending her into ecstasy. Every nerve in her body is on fire as her orgasm washes over her, pleasure taking over every bit of sense she has. She can feel Alex’s hands wrapping around her waist, his lips trailing back up her neck and towards her mouth, but doesn’t fully register him until his lips are pressing against hers again. This kiss is less needy and desperate, but the passion between the two is still burning bright as Jo follows Alex’s call to wrap her legs around his waist.

  She thinks he’s going to settle her onto the sink counter, but instead Alex drops her in front of it, flipping her around so her bare breasts are pushed against the cool marble as he bends her over. He doesn’t waste any time, quickly throwing her panties to the side and letting his hands wander her bare ass. She can hear his belt and pants clattering to the floor, eyes closing in eager anticipation of what’s to come. 

  “I feel bad for taking you in a bar bathroom for our first time,” Alex’s words are hot and heavy as he leans forward, his lips ghosting her ear as he runs his fingers through her folds once more. “But you’re so damn eager.” “I don’t care where, please just fuck me,” Jo’s voice is bordering a whine as Alex removes his fingers from her, leaving her wanting more as her chest pressed against the countertops harder. “ Alex, please.”

  He’s silent for a moment, Jo’s about to turn around when his fingers squeeze her hips tightly as he sheaths himself inside her in one fell swoop. Her voice isn’t her own as she leans forward, a loud moan leaving her as Alex sets a pace that's altogether torturously slow and the exact thing she’d needed since his hand grasped her arm. 

  “God, you’re so good,” Alex’s voice is husky, a moan intermixed with the words as he lets one hand wander up Jo’s body. His pace picks up a bit, Jo’s own moans growing louder and more frantic as she grasps the sink tightly. “You feel so good wrapped around me.”

  “ Alex ,” the word barely drips from her mouth as he continues his quickened pace, fingers tightening against her hip. High pitched moans punctuate her words as her body takes him with everything she has. “Mmm… wanna… see you… Alex .”

  Alex doesn’t waste any time, releasing her hips and flipping her quickly around to face him. Jo’s legs are around him in a flash, his arms settle around her as she takes him once more, hips grinding down against his as she leans her forehead against his. 

  The pace they set is fervent, their bodies moving in tandem as their tongues battle each other. While her body is rolling through waves of ecstasy, Jo feels something deeper inside of her building. There’s a connection, a bond building between her and Alex as their bodies connect in the most intimate way. The urge she feels deep within her causes her to open her eyes, meeting Alex’s dark eyes that are already on her. The interaction alone causes Jo’s heart to skip a beat, her fingers coming back up to Alex’s face as she brought their faces closer. 

  “You… you’re everything. You’re so beautiful. God, I’m so glad it’s you,” the words leave Alex in a breathless whisper, but the sentiment behind them isn’t lost on Jo. The look in his eyes isn’t the raging lust that it had been when they’d locked eyes at the bar, instead there was a genuine longing and love behind it. “Come here.”

  Alex brings her lips to his, one hand gripping tightly to her waist as his strokes went from hard and heavy to slow and intimate. With every languid thrust he makes, Jo’s body reacts in turn with a moan that drives her closer to her breaking point. She’s close, so damn close.  

  “ Alex , oh god,” Jo knows she sounds desperate, but the way Alex is moving is driving her crazy. As he bottoms out once more, she breaks their lips apart to take him in again. His eyes are closed, forehead resting against hers as he lets his own frenzied moans fill the air. He’s close, she can tell by the ragged breaths coming out between his moans as his fingers squeeze her hips and surely leave marks on the delicate skin. “Come with me, please Alex .”

  His eyes pop open then, their gazes meeting as they both topple over the edge in unison. A carnal moan leaves Alex as he buries himself in her, teeth desperately nipping and biting at her neck once again. The feeling washing over Jo as her second orgasm overtakes her is indescribable, like her whole body is on fire in the best way. Her nails claw down Alex’s back, her mouth agape as she relishes in the feeling of him  pulsing inside of her. 

  When they've both taken a minute to recover, a low laugh erupts from Alex, his lips still brushing against Jo’s neck. His fingers find her cheeks, eyes moving up to meet hers with a crooked grin that makes Jo melt a bit inside, “Hey there.”

  “Hi,” Jo can’t think of anything else to say as she takes in Alex’s face. She’d looked at him hundreds of times before, but this felt different. It was as if she was staring at an entirely new person, which she almost was. This wasn't Alex Karev her boss, this was Alex Karev her soulmate. The man she’d spend her life with, the man who would father her children, the man whose last name she would take. 

  “You wanna get outta here? I really wanna take you home,” Alex’s words are soft and low, as if there’s a chance that Jo will say no to his request. 

  “Yes please, I can’t think of anything better,” she presses a light kiss to his lips, a grin overtaking both of them as she does so. “Mmm you’re gonna have to move if we wanna leave.”

  Alex chuckles, finally untangling their limbs and beginning to gather up their clothes that they’d discarded around the small bathroom. He hands Jo her dress and bra, her cheeks heating with a blush as she watches him slip her lacy white panties into his pocket. 

  “Did you think maybe I needed those,” Jo’s voice was filled with amusement as she looked at Alex, who held the door open for her as they slipped out of the bathroom together. “You’re gonna let me walk through the bar with a dress this low and no panties?”

  Alex slings his arm around Jo’s shoulder, pressing a kiss to her temple as he whispers in her ear as they make their way through the crowd, “I know the angel getup is just a costume, you’re pretty naughty on the inside.”

[spill-the-milk-tea]

My Thoughts On “A Whisker Away”

Warnings: spoilers, mentions of suicide/self-harm

A Whisker Away could have done better in a lot of areas, but it’s by no means bad, and the plot and overall concept make up for most of its shortcomings. Clearly Netflix is working hard to emulate the Ghibli formula, and while their attempts have all been misses so far, they have been gradually getting closer—and this is a big step away from the disaster that was Ni No Kuni. Better script writers and more time spent on animation is my only suggestion—scripts have always been a struggle for Netflix, which goes hand in hand with my second suggestion, because they’re focused on churning out new content.

Still, I think this would be a great film to show to children and young adults struggling with suicidal thoughts. Having this omen of destruction in the form of a cat, representing Miyo’s constant self-doubt, was actually very poignant. The first time we see Miyo’s mask fall and we see her real, bitter feelings is when she sees the first cat in the movie, which perfectly reflects her self-hatred. The way the Mask Seller speaks is clearly meant to represent Miyo’s inner dialogue, as she is hesitant to protest to them at first, but when they suggest going full-cat, she adamantly tells the voice to shut up.

While a lot of the other messages were sort of thrown in our face, I appreciate that some of the best symbolic ones were kept subtle rather than exposition-dumped on us. For example, Hinode only turning into a cat via his hands keys us into the fact that the cat transformation is dependent on self-hatred. Hinode feels like he’ll never be good enough to become a potter, thus he loses his hands. I actually like that they chose to go this route, as ridiculous as it was, because it subtly suggested to the audience that “becoming a cat” (aka suicide) isn’t a choice anyone can make just based on difficult circumstances.

I feel like the creep-factor on the Mask Seller could have been played up more, but I guess presenting him as this eccentric character that almost seemed to have the main character’s best interest at heart works better for the metaphor. He seemed mostly unassuming and non-threatening, and weird as he was, he made a convincing case. His concept as a villain is actually very cool. This idea that he steals the lives of those who don’t want them anymore, combined with his drug-dealer archetype is very unique. He preys on people who already hate themselves, luring them into thinking their lives aren’t worth living anymore, giving them a taste of freedom through his cat mask (aka self-harm). Once they’re hooked, he convinces them to make the full leap, whether they truly want it or not. The sort of momentary, but ultimately unsatisfying relief of self-harm to a suicidal person is captured very eloquently in the cat transformation metaphor. It’s actually quite dark how Miyo is so adamant about not transforming at first, but in a matter of days, after one particularly traumatic incident, she’s fully committed.

The connection between the feline and depression metaphor got a little messy near the end, but still nonetheless made an emotional impact. The cat believed that by taking someone else’s face, they could show their owner the love they deserved. Kinako showed a clear disdain for Miyo for not showing Kaoru the love she deserved, and sort of acted as this physical representation of Miyo feeling like she didn’t truly belong in the family. Of course, the owner loves them as a cat, not as someone else. The whole cat stealing human lives thing doesn’t play much into a bigger picture past just representing how as much as it may seem like it, becoming someone else or trying to take someone else’s spot won’t make us truly happy. And I think Kinako realizing it’s better to live out her own short life making Kaoru happy was a short but very sweet subplot.

The scene that really touched me most, surprisingly, was just seeing how Yori so persistently apologized to Miyo as she ran away from her. It so perfectly encapsulated the guilt that friends and family of suicidal ones feel when they see this person they care about clearly suffering. Yori clearly had Miyo’s best interests at heart and genuinely stayed by Miyo’s side through all of her troubles, and is a great example of how to be a supportive friend to a depressed person. She never coddled or pitied Miyo, but she was clearly worried when Miyo started acting “off”, and even then tried to stick by Miyo’s side and be supportive.

Muge is definitely eccentric and painfully cringy, but that in itself makes her a realistic teenage girl character (and a neurotypical adult male doesn’t get to paint her valid character flaws as failings on her or the writers’ part damn it.) Her feelings and thoughts start off as seeming very weird and childish, but gradually you come to understand her reasoning the more the movie goes on. Having been abandoned at such a young age, she pushes people away deep down in her heart, thinking that no one can ever truly love her. She was deeply damaged and never felt like she could really trust anyone again, viewing everyone as either selfish or irrelevant (represented by scarecrows.) This at first seems to just symbolize how other people seemingly don’t matter when she sees the guy she likes, but when she transforms her own parents into scarecrows, we see it represents her pushing people away from her. She tries to act like she doesn’t need other people to love her, when deep down, she really wants proof that someone can truly love her despite her eccentricities, as seen in her obsession to make Hinode confess to her.

One of the points in this metaphor I felt was lacking was that they didn’t really address how Miyo’s psychological reliance on Hinode as this perfect guy that would solve all her problems because of his apparent loyalty was sort of toxic? They definitely established it as over idealized and somewhat exaggerated with that whole Cinderella-transformation scene, where you can clearly see that she believes Hinode loving her will solve all of her problems. In the end I suppose it’s countered with her finally being accepted by Hinode and her accepting him in return, and her realizing that’s all she really wanted.

I did appreciate the background noise of Hinode telling the Mask Seller that it wasn’t Miyo’s fault her life was difficult, because it really puts things into perspective. The Mask Seller took advantage of Miyo’s trauma, just as it isn’t the fault of a suicidal person when their negative thoughts overtake them. That’s why we first see the mask seller when Miyo is at one of her lowest points—when she’s with her mother, attempting but failing to overcome her feelings of abandonment as she first begins to shut her out; and having just moved in with her stepmother, clearly overwhelmed with emotional burdens. I also thought it was interesting that they explained her not transforming back as deep down not wanting to be a human again. She still didn’t believe herself as being capable of being loved, and it took her realizing that she needs to love the people in her life first before she can truly start to heal. And it’s true, there’s a difference between not wanting to die and actually overcoming your depression.

In any case, Miyo’s thought process was almost painfully accurate. The way she lashed out at her parents for wanting her to stop smiling if she didn’t feel like it was something I definitely went through. It’s hard to explain, and definitely irrational, but in the most cold and logical sense, being told to give up your coping mechanism by the people who you feel are causing you to use said coping mechanism feels really offensive in the moment. She was using up so much emotional energy acting like she was okay for her parents, so she felt like it wasn’t their right to ask if she was okay. 

It was a really brief, but sad moment when we saw the difference between how she perceived her favorite meal at her house as opposed to when Hinode gave it to her. It wasn’t meant to show that her feelings of depression were circumstantial so much as it highlighted her abnormal mood swings, as well as how the root of her depression, so to speak, stemmed from her home life. And while I don’t agree entirely with how their relationship played out, I cannot agree more that seeing a person you care about suffering from self-hatred snaps you out of your own dark thoughts so quick. Miyo was quick to see Hinode’s good traits and to rationalize that he didn’t need to hate himself, but she couldn’t do it with herself. It took the thought of Hinode also possibly losing his life for her to snap out of her suicidal state of mind. Most suicidal people rationalize that the people around them would be fine if they died, or even preferred it, so Hinode showing through both actions and words that he didn’t want her to “turn into a cat forever” helped her start to value her own life. 

It was a stark contrast between me as the viewer, feeling like Miyo’s transformation was technically Hinode’s fault, and Miyo, who felt like she needed to transform for Hinode’s sake because she loved him so much. Wanting to die because of the boy she loved may seem like a stretch in the terms of the metaphor, but that’s the point. The things the Mask Seller says are inherently illogical, but he says them when the person is at their weakest emotionally, which makes it easier to convince them. In the end, both Miyo and Hinode were able to free themselves of their masks (aka their irrational self-hatred) when Miyo realized that Hinode genuinely wanted to get to know her, and Hinode stopped feeling like he needed to hold back so Miyo wouldn’t see he was a “nobody”. Essentially, being honest and vulnerable with one another.

Overall, I think having this “Mask Stealer” as this antagonist representing suicidal thoughts gives new meaning to the idea of one “taking away their own life” and is actually really eye opening to those who may be facing similar situations as Miyo. The message is cheesy, but the creative way in which they tackled adolescent depression and suicide is worth watching.

[tohruhondaismydaughter]

I've just discovered there's people who hate Kakeru. Not dislike or don't get the hype about him but genuinely seem to hate him. Now obviously personal preferences are a thing but I seriously don't get where this hate could be coming from because with

1. Akito- phyically assaults people (including kids), held a teenager hostage for daiting & trying to take a box of her's that Akito already knew was empty & also stabbed someone after they tried to help her & left them to potentially die

2. Shigure- regularly makes perverted "jokes" about people who are underage (including the 16 year old girl who lives with him & cleans/cooks for him + he's family) & admits to manipulating everyone around him for he's own selfish goal regardless of how it could hurt others & that he dosn't really care about being kind even to the people he supposedly loves + he likes messing with people he knows are already terribly anxious & he also won in the end while never having to actually sacrifice anything important to him or really learn anything of value

3. Ayame- abounded he's brother to abuse till he was almost 30 & says various inappropriate things in front of & towards High Schoolers

4. Kagura- pretended to love someone 3 years younger then her who she saw as beneath her in a violent (though it was obviously in out-dated slap stick) way until she was like 18 & then slaps Tohru so hard she becomes uncounsious

5. Kureno- enabler of Akito despite no longer being supernaturally bound to her & knowingly fell for a High Schooler

6. Hatori- enabler of Akito & erasers people's memories when told to regardless of how he knows it'll hurt others

7. Katsuya- knowingly married (& later impregnated) isolated & homeless 15 year old Kyoko when he was in he's 20's after meeting her as a teacher in her middle school

8. Ren- everything about her

9. Kyo's sperm donor- everything about him

10. Momiji's parents- how they handled the situation

11. Machi's mum- raised her daughter like a robot, replaced her, insulted her entire personality, acussed her of attempted murder with bassically zero evidence, kicked her out of her home, cut her off from her sibling & only ocasnially calls to insult her leading to her developing a rather unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with her damaged mental health

12. Machi & Kakeru's dad- cheated on his wife, made he's kids fight over thier inheritance before getting another child & then treating the first two like they no longer exsisted

13. Kakeru's mum- took years to realise that she shouldn't use her child to get money/power from an affair

14. Haru- got a little too insistent about phyical affection from someone who he knows is super emotinally scarred (I still love him though just don't think certain scenes with Rin were handeld as delicately as they probably should have been) & can get rather harsh to random people when he goes dark (the worse case of this being when he grabbed Tohru's arm)

15. Rin's parents- belong in hell

16. The Sohma maids (especially the old one)- are part of the reason Akito became as messed up as she did + just straight up seem to not view kids or the zodiac as human beings with thier own feelings or rights

17. Uo's mum- straight up abounded her young daughter after getting into a new relationship

18. Yuki & Ayame's mum- narsastic, dismissive, controlling, litrually sold one of her kids to thier abuser in exchange for wealth/status, never apologised or even acknowledged what she had done

19. Akira- pursued a relationship pretty much out of pure lonleyness, went along with the suppression of Akito's biological gender, didn't do enough to protect Akito from he's wife's abuse (though in he's defense he was incredible sickly), last few things he told he's child before dying was that he was glad he had her as proof of he's relationship with Ren (AKA the person that had made it clear to Akito that she hated her guts) & that she was special due to being god & her bond with the zodiac was her birth right & would always be there (leading Akito to obviously feeling possessive & intilted over the zodiac & base her entire identity on her position as their god)

20. Kyoko- neglected infant Tohru for months due to her depression after Katuya's death & was even planning on killing herself to be with him again before finally coming to her senses (I love her & I tottally get why she did what she did but if it weren't for gramps little Tohru would have been in one hell of bad situation)

21. The Yuki Fan Club- just thier entire attitude towards Yuki & any girl that interacts with him (I get that it's obviously a delibretly over the top anime gag but irl the way they behave would be seriously disturbing & I'm pretty sure might even be illegal now what with all the photos taken of Yuki without he's knowledge)

22. The former school president- he's creepy fravriotisim towards Yuki (& later he's son) & he's flat out harrasing of anyone wearing the school uniform in a none tradishinal way or anyone with an unusual hair colour (despite him bassically admitting that the school officials had already said that Momiji, Haru & Kyo's appearances were ok)

23. Kimi- I like her & she's obviously iconic but honestly the way she treats Machi kind of borders on bullying sometimes for me

24. Hiro- he's a child & I like him but when we first met him you can't deny he was being a grade A shit to Tohru, Kisa & everyone else (& he fucks up again with Tohru during the beach arc)

25. Rin- love her so much but the first time she met Tohru she did try to kick her in the head while in her horse form which you know isn't great & she was rather antagonistic towards Yuki for no real vaild reason

26. Kyo- using Yuki as a scape goat he's entire life even when he knew none of the terrible things that had happened to him were actually he's fault, hurting Tohru in he's true form (I get that he wasn't in he's right mind & was suffering greatly but it still wasn't good) & rejecting Tohru after everything they had been through in the way that he did (again he wasn't in he's right mind & was suffering greatly but it's still an incredibly low blow & I think he knew that as he tragically wanted to hurt her, similar to what he did in the true form scene, badly enough that she would finally choose to give up on him)

27. The entire zodiac (outside of Kagura & maybe Momiji)- it is revealed that the zodiac are supernaturally inclined to look down on the cat & that they know about Kyo's tragic fate yet do not plan on trying to stop it from happening as he's suffering is thier one true reprieve in the curse as no matter what happens to them they will never be as "low down" as the cat yet once the curse finally breaks for everybody almost nobody even thinks to apologises to Kyo for how he was made to be an outsider since birth

28. Naohito- decides to hate Yuki out of jelousy because he has feelings for Motoko (who clearly has feelings for Yuki) despite Yuki showing no romantic feelings for Motoko & barley sharing any kind of connection with her at all which is obviously not fair as just because you happen to be liked by someone who is liked by someone else dosn't mean you should have to except being seen as a bad person (especially as in Yuki's case he never tried to encourage Motoko's obsession with him & in fact barley notices her exsistance as they aren't in any of the same social circles & she follows the ridiculous club rule of not speaking to him without another fan club member present)

29. Yuki- rather judgmental over how others choose to present themselves in regards to gender norms

30. Momiji- I love him but he did try to take advange of Tohru not knowing how old he really was to bath with her & did actually mange to use this fact to sleep along side her one night before she found out how old he actually was (now obviously Momiji is a wonderfully kind person & clearly would never actually do anything to hurt Tohru but let's be real if someone did that to you irl you'd be pretty creeped out & understandably have a hard time trusting them again)

31. Yuki & Ayame's father- has always been complety missing from he's kids lives (& even seemingly he's wive's) despite being mentioned to be still alive & well enough to work

32. Uo's dad- getting dumped for someone else must suck especially when your left with a young child & I know he did eventually clean up he's act but there's no changing the fact that he's years as an alcholic messed up Uo really bad & could have led to her death if Kyoko hadn't stepped in

33. Kazuma- I know he had good intentions & I love him but there's no denying that he did ignore Kyo's right to free will when he removed he's bracelet & though the plan ended up making he's life better if it had gone wrong in any way then Kyo had pretty much admitted (at least to himself) in S2E9 that he would have probably killed himself that night which would have clearly destroyed Tohru

34. Kyo's mum - she was obviously treated terribly by her husband & I do feel sorry for her but her way of dealing with the situation really damaged Kyo

Your really telling me that the character you have the most issues with is a boy who said a few horrible things to the MC when he was 15 in service of someone he loved who was in pain, got told by said loved one that what he'd said was wrong, felt bad about it, befriended a lonley teen that was close to the MC, quickly grew to genuinely care about them & made them come out of thier shell, wanted to help he's half sister but knew he wasn't really the right person for the job, realised that he's new friend was, encouraged the friend & he's sister's growing connection, learned how good of a person the MC has been to he's new friend, admits to he's friend that he'd been horrible to the MC in the past but just dosn't know how to go about rectifying it (especially as she dosn't seem to remember him), introduces he's friend to he's GF (further expanding the friend's positive social circle), finally bumps into MC alone & is shocked to find out that she dose now in fact remember him & even appoliges to him + thanks him for bringing her friend out of thier shell before he comes to he's senses & assures her that she has nothing to apologise for & then visits her in the hospital when she gets injured & even goes shopping for a gift to give her beforehand (even if he dosn't end up getting her something that actually fits her personality because well duh he dosn't really know anything about her).

Out of every questionably moral thing in the series this is really the hill you wanna die on?

I just honestly can't understand it. Sure he's not perfect but then no one in the series is. That's kind of the entire point of the story, that anyone can do things that hurt people but that it's what you choose to do going forward (even if it takes you a long time) that's important & Kakeru, eventually, chose to try to do the right thing. He tried to understand Yuki even though the guy didn't seem to like him at all, he chose to check up on Machi even though she seemingly hadn't made any sign of wanting to deepen thier sibling bond, he chose to finally talk to Tohru instead of continuing the ruse that he'd never spoken to her before, he chose to come clean about what happened to Yuki despite the potential of ending their friendship (& you can't tell me once he'd realised how much Yuki cared for Tohru the very real possibility that Yuki might hate him if he found out what he'd said to her wouldn't worry him at all) & he chose to visit Tohru in the hospital instead of just wishing Yuki luck or hoping Kormaki would go so he could avoid feeling uncomfortable.

You don't have to love him or even like him but I really don't think he deserves this amount of hate (especially incomparsion to some of the other characters I've listed).

[imaginebeatles]

Hello, I'm a homo-romantic ace whose been having a lot of weird conversations lately about who belongs in the LGBT umbrella. I think anyone who is ace has the space if they want it because it is a little understood sexual orientation that experiences a lot of corrective reactions. But lately people have been arguing to me that only aces with non-hetero rom orientations and/or folk who are non cisgender have access to the space. I was wondering the following things:

2/2 what’s your take on asexuality belonging to the LGBT term, the LGBT community and the LGBT complex (cuz I think it’s gotten more complex as a functioning being)? Does asexuality belong in a tertiary space like BDSM which crosses over with queer (and shares similarities) but is not fully within it? Thanks for sharing about your thesis, every time it pops up on my dash I feel very excited. It’s been awhile since I engaged in queer theory and I am loving your work! No pressure to answer tho!

Okay, so…. this is a very contentious topic, but I have a lot of thoughts on this, especially since I’ve started doing research for my thesis. I’ve read some articles on asexuality and the queer community so… here we go. I’ve put it under the cut, so people can easily scroll past it if they’re not interested. 

(I would also like to first say that I will be use the word “queer” here. I know some people are uncomfortable with that because its past use as a slur, however, because it is an actual academic term that is used by everyone writing about these issues, and especially within queer theory, I will be using that word too. I use the word to talk about all non-normative identities/practices related to gender and sexuality, which includes the LGBTQ+ community, but is more extensive than that, including any letters not part of that acronym. Queer is also a (political and academic) practice, not just an identity. This already possibly shows where my answer to your question is going…) 

Firstly, I want to say that I understand why some people within the LGBTQ+ community might be uncomfortable about letting asexual people into that community. There is a difficult relationship between asexuality and queer identities. Some people in the field of asexuality studies have begun to write on this (I’ll list them down one or two down below). Within queer politics, historically but also now, there is a heavy focus on sex. Because queer people have struggled against oppression based on their sexual habits, not having sex is generally viewed as conservative or as a form of assimilation. For wlw this is further true because for a long time healthy sexual behaviour (aka having sex at all) was seen as impossible between two women, because both women would be sexually passive. Not having sex is not radical. This is why hetero-romantic aces are often dismissed as being “straight anyway”. Non-normative sexual practices (like cruising) are an important part of the queer community (academic work within queer studies in especially the 1990s and 2000s shows this too, wherein theoretical and political potential is mined from non-normative sex acts, including bare-backing because of its relation to the HIV crisis in the 80s).

It therefore makes sense that queer people (especially gay men and women, but also others) are uncomfortable with asexuality’s focus on not having sex, and as such asexuality is often seen as being “sex negative” instead of “sex positive” and thus bad. At least, politically. 

I, however, and other academics, do think asexuality is queer, if you define queer as being non-normative in relation to hetero-normativity). Asexuality is seen as non-normative in our current hyper-sexual society and sex is seen as a vital part of heterosexuality too (you have to reproduce and women are meant to be sexually available to men at all times). Asexual people are discriminated against because they refuse sex, which society sees as natural. While the struggles of asexual people are different from those of gay people, bi and trans people (and other identities) also have their own struggles against which they fight. This does not diminish their struggles. 

Acephobia is based on ableist ideas: if you don’t want sex, there must be something wrong with you either mentally or physically, because sex is naturally and everyone should want it and have it (often). Asexuality is often dismissed and not seen as “real”. There must be something that inhibits you from having sex, whether that is physiological, hormonal, or having to do with trauma, or maybe just because you are not “hot enough to get a boyfriend”, which reminds me of how for a long time lesbians were seen as being men-hating ugly women (and feminists). This view leads to asexuality being pathologized (as homosexuality used to be). There have been numerous ways in which low sexual desire or a lack of sexual fantasies has been sees as a disorder in the psychoanalytic tradition. Attempts to “fix” asexual people are made through things like therapy or hormone treatment (or stuff like viagra or other such things), but also through corrective rape, either in a medical contexts under the idea that sexuality needs to be “awakened” within the patient, or in the private sphere at the end of a partner or friend. Research has also shown that people see asexual people as less human, more machine-like. They admit feeling uncomfortable with asexual people, and that they may discriminate against them, such as refusing them rent. 

Asexual people have their own political issues to work through, just as any other identity within the LGBTQ+ community. However, each of these issues and more are related to the fight against hetero-normativity. Another example is that asexual people, especially those who are also aromantic, can help critique the way society privileges heterosexual romantic couplehood, especially married heterosexual couples. Asexual and aromantic people often privilege non-romantic and non-sexual relationship, such as friendships or family, allowing us to re-evaluate these other relationships and open up new forms of queer relating, which will also be appealing to other queer people, who often form their own social group or families and whose relationship and friendships are often in some way “queer”. 

On top of that, it is important to realise that there is a lot of overlap between asexual people and other queer identities. However, queer asexual people constantly remark on how they do not feel safe or represented by the queer or LGBTQ+ community, even those who “welcome” queer aces, but not hetero-romantic aces. The queer and LGBTQ+ community are heavily sexualized spaced, which makes aces feel unwelcome, but also leaves many non-asexual queer people to complain about the lack of safe spaces for queer people that aren’t about clubbing, such as the lack of queer cafes or library. The queer community (and LGBTQ+ community) is itself deeply entrenched in compulsory sexuality, just like hetero-normative society, making aces feel like they don’t belong to either community. 

If an asexual person if gay, or bi, or non-binary, or trans, or queer, or whatever, it is the LGBTQ+ and queer communities that should provide them a safe space and fight for them. Their asexuality informs their experience as homo-romantic or trans or anything else, and cannot be separated from that part of their identity. These are not separate issues. If we want to protect trans kids or gay kids or any other member of the queer/LGBTQ+ community, these communities need to be inclusive of asexuality and provide spaces where these kids are safe and can talk freely about their experiences and the challenges they face. These will undoubtedly also be informed by their asexual identity. 

We are stronger politically when we fight together. We fight the same cause. Asexual people do not ask other LGBTQ+ or queer people to not be sexual. They only ask that they are included and that their own issues are being taken seriously. 

On top of that, asexuality intersects with a lot of other queer issues. For trans folks, for example, the focus on sex in society and romantic relationships may leave them uncomfortable because of their body dysphoria and may thus run into similar issues as sex-repulsed aces. Stone butch women may find common ground with asexuality too, because of the focus on penetrative sex in society. The hypersexualisation of gay men may find that they experience similar issues as asexual people who feel they are being (hyper)sexualised despite not being sexual. There is a lot of overlap, and these issues need to be addressed. We can help each other and offer new perspectives that will help us fight for the same rights. 

On top of that, on a more abstract level, can also be valuable for queer politics in the way that it undermines our current understanding of sexual identity. The way we now think about sexuality was constructed by straight people with the aim of pathologizing and thus actively discriminate against and eliminate perverted sexuality. This started with homosexuality with Freud, and quickly began to expand. If you want to know more about this, Foucault’s History of Sexuality is a good place to start. This allowed for sexual object choice to be used to group specific people together and make them into a specific type or “species”, as Foucault calls it. Our conception of sexuality, then, was constructed to uphold heterosexuality as the norm, making heterosexuality (that is the opposite sex as the sexual object choice) out to be the natural and normal and healthy form of sexuality. 

Asexuality undermines this construction. Asexuality not only shows that there are different forms of attraction, which do not need to be connected to each other in a one-on-one relation, but also shows that sexual attraction is not the only or even the most important basis for attraction. Asexuality is not explainable in our current system and forces people to consider their sexual preferences. What do I like in sex? What kind of sex? What kind of sensuality? And with whom? If I like having sex with men, but only being sensual with women, what does that mean? Asexuality asks us what we prefer, putting the focus on preference  rather than something biological or innate that makes us feel desire towards one gender and not the other. 

This is not to say that asexuality makes sexual identity into an arbitrary choice. Rather, it shows that you cannot divide people into identity categories based on sexual object choice shows that attempting to do so is just as silly as doing so based on if you like tea or coffee. Or ketchup or mustard. On top of that, it allows for sexuality to be seen as fluid, not that it changes, but that it is not fixed. Maybe you like ketchup for a long time, and then no anymore. Or maybe you are briefly in the mood only for this specific type of mustard but not the others. Focusing on preference allows us to undermine the whole construct on which hetero-normativity is predicated. Making identities such as heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual or pansexual almost meaningless or nonsensical. If we want to do away with hetero-normativity completely, this is a crucial step to take. It allows us to focus on sexuality as a social construct, rather than something that must be biologically explained. 

TL;DR: I understand why some LGBTQ+ people are uncomfortable with the idea of bringing asexual into the community. However, I think ultimately we are fightening the same cause despite our own specific issues that we face. We have a similar stake in queer politics and queer academia. Asexuality can offer the queer or LGBTQ+ community a lot, and being inclusive to asexuality is crucial if we want to protect queer kids. As such there is a lot that both communities can offer each other. 

This goes for both queer aces and hetero-romantic aces. Hetero-romantic aces also benefit and often have a stake in dismantling hetero-normativity because they are asexual. Hetero-romantic aces also face discrimination under hetero-normativity. Because of this, asexuality at large ought to be included. Excluding hetero-romantic aces from the queer community or LGBTQ+ community shows a misunderstanding of asexuality and its political issues and seems not so much inclusive of asexual issues, but rather inclusive of those issues that relate ONLY to the other part of their identity. For queer aces, however, these two are not separate issues. If you want to be inclusive to queer aces, you have to be inclusive towards asexuality in general. 

Asexuality, then, should be fully within the queer community, not be treated as a separate but overlapping thing like BDSM. Asexuality, when taken seriously, will affect all spaces of the queer community for the better, while still allowing for sex-positive politics. 

Reading suggestions: 

Michel Foucault, History of Sexuality.

Megan Milks, “Stunted Growth: Asexual Politics and the Rhetoric of Sexual Liberation.” In Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives, edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Milks. 

Erica Chu, “Radical Identity Politics: Asexuality and Contemporary Articulations of Identity.” In Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives, edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Milks. 

[clarafell]

Is Homura happy post-Rebellion?

                                — HAPPINESS —

No, Homura is not 100% happy after the events of Rebellion.

The two best words to describe Homura’s current state is fragile and content for the time being. If she was happy like the rest of the girls, the Clara Dolls would NOT be around. The continued existence of the Clara Dolls is living proof that Homura is not okay. As shown in Rebellion’s ending, Homura is not happy. (An example of her true happiness is the beginning of Rebellion. That was true happiness from Homura right there and then… Until she started to get suspicious of everything.) All in all, she is just feeling content. Despite being content with her situation, she is still fragile. She is still struggling emotionally and mentally. She doesn’t even understand her own magic very well (yet) and she is visibly tired. With this all aside, she does show a faint glimpse of her former self. Depending on which scene you look at, Homucifer is a mystery. You have to be careful on which scene you look at. Anyway, Homura knows that all of THIS will shatter like glass one day. She is fully aware that everything will unravel. She knows it’s only a matter of time.

Note: Homucifer can feel happiness, yes. But she is not truly happy like she was once as Moemura. (X)

First, allow me to address what Homura is happy about after Rebellion:

First, Madoka is safe (from the Incubators) and she is living her life as a human again. As the Law of Cycles, she has no family and no friends anymore and Homura KNOWS that. Ascending to godhood does NOT result in pure happiness. Homura is finally been able to protect Madoka after FAILING to do so over and over sadly. (However, she does seem to keep her distance from pretty much everyone. This includes Madoka.)

Second, everyone else is alive and happy. When trapped in her own labyrinth, everyone is BACK and they are all FRIENDS in this fake city. Everything feels like a DREAM and Homura is HAPPY with this life… Subconsciously, HOMULILLY rewrites the memories of everyone and creates an ideal DREAM that makes EVERYONE happy. All in all, this is what Homura wants in life deep down in her heart. For everyone to be alive and happy. For the world to be a brighter place. After all, Homura was once friends with all the girls at one point  in the beginning. Before she grew cold and detached thanks to the many timelines, Homura was friends with everyone. Like Madoka, she wanted a better and happier world. With her labyrinth becoming the ideal False City, Homura was able to live in this ideal dream world… Until she started to discover the truth. When she rewrote the universe, she was able to yet again make everyone happy. Once again, she knows that this PEACE will be RUINED over time. With this knowledge in mind, she’s just prolonging everyone’s happiness along with everyone’s safety right now… Just like how Madoka doesn’t think about herself first, Homura also doesn’t think about herself first. All in all, Homura does NOT care about what happens to HERSELF in the long run. She never cared about herself to begin with. (This is coming from the same girl who shot herself in the head and then shot her own soul gem!)

Third, she was able to put a stop to Kyubey’s plan to control Madoka…

Now… Here is one of the most important moments to take note of: Homura is definitely happy about the amount of power she has. When Homura looks over at her new soul gem aka her Dark Orb, she is seen smiling. (X)

She has never had this much POWER in her entire life. When she condemns Kyubey to a life of curses, she is THRILLED about it. She has NEVER thought that she would have this much POWER before. Don’t get me wrong. She loves the power that she has obtained. But still hates herself for that. She hates herself even more for loving this power. She can ACTUALLY make a DIFFERENCE with her POWER. She can STOP Kyubey’s plan and all of the Incubators. She INFLICTS all of the WORLD’S CURSES upon KYUBEY and she shows no mercy. (He deserves it, He deserves it!)  She can PUNISH Kyubey for his PLAN to control Madoka and you can clearly see that she has done exactly that. (X)

While Homura is pleased with her power, she does not necessarily use it to control everyone else’s lives. According to the ending of Rebellion, everyone else is living their lives normally. All their DESIRES are granted in a way. Either way, Homura has never had this amount of power. She never could really make a DIFFERENCE in the past. All her timelines BACKFIRED on her. Yes, this also includes the anime’s timeline when Madoka made her wish and ascended as the Law of Cycles. Even during the Wraith Arc, everything still ended up backfiring on her. Homura’s fruitless attempts to make a difference in an unforgiving world never worked no matter what… Until the very end of Rebellion, that is.

                             However…

This is bound to change when the Concept Movie is released. But Homura KNOWS that CHANGE will eventually happen. For example, she already knows that Madoka will eventually become her ENEMY. It’s only a matter of time before this dream starts to crumble away.

Important Note: In the Concept Movie’s trailer, Homura is clearly starting to show signs of losing it. For one, she is seen burning alive in one scene during the trailer. (X) Either way, it looks like the peace will start to shatter away just like Homura’s chances at happiness. This means Homura will be suffering in the long run (yet again) during the Concept Movie. What will happen in the Concept Movie is entirely unknown for the time being. Who knows what will befall Homura in the future. Only time will tell.

                              — CLARA DOLLS  —

Formerly known as the Children of the False City, the Clara Dolls actually take the form of dress-up dolls that she used to play with in the past. Once dear belongings of her past, these living dolls reappear back into her life. Even during Rebellion, the Clara Dolls are NOT considered her servants like her other familiars. According to a translated Rebellion book from Inucurry, the Clara Dolls are actually a “phenomenon” that occurred in Homulilly’s false city aka her labyrinth. Instead of being mere servants, they are in fact “incarnations of magic and karma that overflowed from Homura” according to the translated information. Despite not being servants to Homura, they do in fact obey her. With each doll fitting their name more or less, the dolls are in fact very much connected to Homura. They know her so well because they basically represent her. For them to just disappear after Homulilly is defeated would certainly not make any sense. As long as Homura continues to hate herself, they will continue to exist.

Let’s hope that we will learn more about them in the future!

[sugar-splenda]

Green origins (Theory for Ssts)

Okay So analyzing the behavior of the greens and my own interpretation of how the universe works, there's likely two scenarios the green civilization (cuz they are, sadly a civilization.) developed and shaped their stupid ass beliefs.

We'll completely ignore the yellow bio-hazardous alien from Bad Astronaut because they weren't well written and I don't care about them outside confirming the greens were indeed decimated and are desperate to survive. 

The greens were first, obviously. Otherwise we'll never have discovered their tech and would probably 1) exterminate them without mercy since they had the possibility of becoming a threat for us. (likely)  2)Be groomed into some form of slave civilization or a weapon Idk I’m against imperialism (depending on development level). Maybe a little 3) trying to understand each other.  Anyway the point is this ain’t their first road in space, they have electromagnetic pulses and time-space breaking machines.

I believe the greens have multiple hives, just like ants or bees have, and the most developed one started assimilating the other competitors of their species, as evidentiated by that line of Regina kidnapping Wynn. I’m 85% sure she got back into the hive there, probably by force, in that ending. Another scenario is obliterating the competition, because in ant hives, super colonies sometimes end up splitting into two or more colonies that turn on the original one. And Queen bees absolutely hate insubordination, and would kill their royal kids if they don’t get out of the hive fast enough. 

The greens have this… obsession, with putting things that don’t belong together in the same vessel. I feel like where they came from, they used other species as biomass to build vessels. Since they probably hijacked the evolution process of the other species, they accidentally stole the self awareness from the non green species in the planet, and since they work like the fungal international internet network, everyone became self aware at the same gradual (or suddenly fast) pace. 

This was huge because they realized other species had specialized features for tasks they couldn’t complete due to lack of limbs. So they could take over a creature that had the limbs or abilities they needed for I don’t know, survival? Hive building? Hive stuff. Over time they learned how to construct their own vessels by taking the limbs they needed from the creatures around them instead of taking over a new creature each time they wanted to do a new task. 

You could argue that the greens could just assign different types of workers for the job they want to do, but that defeats the purpose of them being uniformly green blobs. Also, I believe it would be more efficient to have all the tools you need with each worker so, let say, you don’t have to wait for the soldiers to arrive to defend a section of the nest-base. There would still be a lot of room for customization since they can detach the limbs by ripping them off the vessel and putting another one that would be better for the job. 

I think of this concept as how humans learned to use the resources of their environment as they continued to evolve. The greens just didn’t have hands and were already parasitic, so it would make sense to use biomass instead of developing limbs capable of manipulating inorganic objects. Remember nature is very lazy and likes to do efficiency so it doesn’t waste energy, so it will take the easiest route to solving problems.

After this the next step for civilization as we know it is to gain energy sources outside the biological adaptations, aka fire and tools. I don’t want to bore myself with the greens discovering how to build societies, so I’ll rush over this part because it’s not really important but all queens should have this present since they’re the ones that store the collective memory of the hive and go around calling the shots so. Greens develop societies divided between the royals and the worker greens.

The royals are the queens. They call the shots, they organize the rest of the colony and act as an information source for the hive. At this point of their species development, there’s usually one queen per hive, but there’s some extraordinary big hives that have five or more queens working together. The workers are the muscle of the hive, mindless drones with a lot of affection/affinity to their queen and basically extensions of her will. They don’t share the same consciousness, though, they’re individuals connected by the internet network and directed by the queen.

They have probably made the species they need for biomass/consumption their cattle and have a dedicated room/space in the hive for them where they’re raised from birth and taken away when they reach adulthood for harvesting. They don’t mind, they’re living their best lives. Inside the hive they’re safe, have proper nutrition and enrichment for improved development AND get to reproduce. Truly the best experience until the greens take you away for parts….. Just like we do with cows! Wow, we really are food for the greens, aren’t we. Anyway. 

Now that they have specialized their vessels for the manipulation of tools, they can actually harvest the inorganic resources without wasting unnecessary energy on, you know, using their tendrils to take a shiny rock back to their nest. But yeah, they probably took a bit longer than humans to reach the copper/iron era of tools. I honestly don’t think they would develop weapons at first, as they can just hypnotize/ assimilate the threat with few exceptions (because this is their native planet, SOMEONE had to prey on them). And even then, the vessels are specialized to deal with threats they couldn’t face when they’re alone.

So no, they probably didn’t make swords. Not even to kill each other, again thanks to the vessel's versatility. Upsetting, I know.

Anyway, they probably fought with other hives for resources, just like we humans stupidly do, until someone realized they could just make a mega colony and take over the planet. So that’s exactly what they did, probably through force, but I like to think they just stopped fighting and joined forces. Again, because it’s the easiest thing to do and conserves the energy of subduing the other hive. And because I like to think the greens are not violent by nature, but depending on the circumstances. 

As I was saying, the greens would have formed a mega hive that became the dominant species in their planet, shaping it at their will and terraforming the place. I don’t want to say they made the same mistake as us humans are doing of destroying our biosphere and draining all possible resources. So they probably ran out of space to expand and began branching to their satellites and neighbor planets.

Now, THIS is the stage where everything starts going wrong because of one thing: Queens share the same consciousness… until they don’t. Queens are born whenever the hive is ready to expand, and at first they are individuals from the Royal mind hive, but when their development is complete they are assimilated into the Royal network and they lose their original consciousness is assimilated into the main one, effectively destroying the individual as they were before and making the blob just another extension of the Royal megamind.

The problem is when the queens don’t assimilate correctly and still retain their consciousness aside from the megamind. I believe while every social being wants to be integrated into a society for some reason, the separation of super ant colonies happens in nature for a reason, and since i’m using the ants as my primal model of the hierarchy of the greens, this is what will cause the eventual collapse of the green civilization. 

The rouge queens join forces and fragment the megamind, weakening it and causing chaos. The reason why they separated is still not understood, but I suspect it had to do with the use of singular queens as colonizers while the megamind constructed the Tipler Cylinder. The colonizer queens encountering different lifeforms that weren’t native to their planet might have caused the rupture of the weak link to the megamind. 

 I don’t think they wanted to use the Tipler Cylinder as a time machine. I’m dead set that time travel is not a thing in this universe, so they wanted it for intergalactic travel. (And yes, they probably had a Dyson sphere powering the Tipler Cylinder, this would have catastrophic consequences later.)

So, while an internal revolution was happening in the Royal hive, the construction of the Tipler Cylinder was complete. They made initial tests and concluded the machine was too unestable to allow a complete activation at the moment. And honestly, they were glad because they had to contain the rebellious queens that wanted to gain control over the whole species. But them being individuals meant that they were vulnerable to the big hivemind and honestly they were being obliterated. 

So one of the rebellious hive, not knowing the Tipler Cylinder was not safe for activation, realized their best course of action would be to escape to another galaxy and start over there. This was Busy’s Hive. She was the colonizer that was the nearest to the Tipler Cylinder and in charge of preparing the ship for the escape, while the others would get into the research facility of the project. The plan was to use the queens to activate the machine, while Busy positioned the ship so they could quickly escape once the portal was opened. One of the queen vessels would stay behind and close the portal so the megamind couldn’t follow. 

Nothing went according to plan, they were discovered and Busy had no time to finish the preparations fully and had to get in position with a very short notice. Then the Tipler Cylinder malfunctioned and the Dyson Sphere star exploded when the ship was half way through.  They made it through, with the ship barely standing. The side of the cylinder they exited through imploded into itself, making the rotating black hole Taylor ends up sucked inside, and the trajectory made them crash into the moon, since the black hole seems very close to Tau Ceti. 

So now, definitively alone (only remaining queen from the rebellious hive that she knows of + different universes make communication break if you make the queen go through enough stress.) in an unknown environment with half the equipment functioning, Regina sets the events of Lifeline by almost destroying her fucking entire civilization. But don’t tell that to the drones, they don’t need to know their queen fucked up big time. 

Now, I’m going to pull something from my ass and say Regina is actually two royals instead of one during the lifeline series. Well, not really from my ass, there’s evidence supporting this claim. First of all, the Tunguska event is definitively Regina arriving on the planet, no doubt, how else did she get there before Taylor brought her home? 

[NO, TIME TRAVEL DOESN’T EXIST, BAD ASTRONAUT CONFIRMED THEY WERE TRAVELLInG THROUGH UNIVERSES. Don’t say Arika did a time travel loop i’m sure the time monks also have some type of mind transferring technology similar to something we explore in the SSTS RP with Neu and the concept of consciousness being detached from the “vessel”, meaning it is not part of the body but rater stored in it. FUCK YOU THE LOrE OF THIS GAME SERIES IS WEIRD AND I AM PATCHING PLOT HOLES. I NEED TO OVeR THINK AND TIME TRAVEL MESSES EVERYTHING UP]

This would explain how Regina infected Choir but was still back home. And why she just let T2 do their thing with Taylor while she was probably dealing with angry witches, PWG and the lifeline being a little shit. Now that I think about it, the greens don’t know about the lifeline until crisisline. Regina never talks /to you/. Just to the characters, which I understand because you only have two options and can’t write a long fucking rant on how her plan is fundamentally flawed, why continuing to infect T2ylor will just make you angrier and that you will definitively make force gasoline down her throat and set her on fire while you stepping on her flaming corpse. 

But my point is, Regina doesn’t consider /you/, the player as the reason why things aren’t going her way. Which honestly, ma’am, open your eyes. The player will fucking kill you if you keep pretending they don’t exist. Ignoring your problems won’t make them go away, It just makes them want to strangle the living shit out of you and then leave you alone in a dark room with an increasingly high frequency sound for months without substance or contact with other beings so you fucking finally beg your problems to end your miserable life. 

But anyway. Point is, while vessel 1 is trying to to figure out how to survive in the moon, vessel 2 is trying to survive in earth without being spotted because she’s even more fucked than vessel 1 who at least have the drones with her and some equipment + cattle that will die out before the humans arrive because she can’t terraform the planet and honestly, the only way for them to save her race is to get them to earth where the planet doesn’t need to be terraformed. 

Things happen simultaneously; vessel 1 assess the situation and tries to establish a base on the moon while vessel 2 explores the world and takes over small animals before trying to tackle the humans who are the first sentient species she encounters an honestly that’s terrifying imagine finding a 9 feet tall alien that could possibly crush you if they really wanted to. You don’t even know if they can be affected by your abilities and you’re alone so can’t use drones to experiment.

 Also detection would probably mean death and you don’t even know where this planet is what if it is close to the place you landed and they come around and also kill your remaining hive. So yeah she uses at least a year before making a move on the humans because she needs to have enough time to produce drones. 

I don’t know the timeline exactly, but at some point vessel 1 runs out of cattle + vessels so that’s what motivates vessel 2 to make a move on humans and realizes a lot of stuff about us and just how ALIEN we are to her so she needs to take her time studying us and our lifestyle. I believe she might be overwhelmed with the confirmation that these are sentient creatures and doesn’t know exactly how to proceed since they’re the dominant species of the planet but doing more research she realizes at the rhythm humanity is going they’ll fuck up the only habitable planet at her reach for now so yeah we go from Predator to Prey and, if she wins, to Cattle.

So yeah, she probably orchestrated the ships going to Tau Ceti, maybe she even had a hand on humans developing space travel so soon. It had to seem natural, so vessel 1 and the rest of the hive worked on the peak with the remains of her original ship so they could pull the space ships towards the moon and feed on the survivors, but after they ran out of resources, the greens entered some sort of hibernation state where they conserved energy while waiting for the ships to arrive. 

I think no one knew about the thousands of ships that were sent because Regina was doing an elaborate cover up (ex. they exploded, never reached their destination, went MIA and presumed dead, etc.) to keep this from reaching the masses because by now she knows how humans work and her kind is starving. 

So yeah, the best way to influence the world is by having money so Regina began investing and doing finances so the government had to hear Pearson Corp (she is not very imaginative, leave her be.) and the Green Coalition would control the economy in several countries but she hasn’t fully infected the usa because she was more interested in the monster that’s the Chinese government and the Russians, they’re just bigger and while a bigger challenge, this will definitely give a better advantage if she is capable of infecting the organizations in charge. 

While I know the greens keep saying “UNTIL EVERYTHING IS GREEN” that’s not really true, this is just green propaganda from Regina. She knows she can’t get everyone green because they need the cattle and these vessels don’t reproduce asexually and having sex requires energy you could be redirecting to other things so she will leave the monkeys to mate alone and then she will take them for parts later. Just like in her home planet, but a bit more complex since this cattle is intelligent and doesn’t like to be told what to do. 

So yeah, Regina hasn’t taken full control over the governments of the countries she is trying to take over because 1) PWG, 2) Mages 3) Monkey smart, monkey scary.

There’s a thing I haven’t touched and that’s the magic potential in human beings. Magic is a force of nature just like electricity in this universe, so shut up. Everything is science alright? I like science, it’s easier to take things that already exist than to attempt to make a new system with many inconsistencies on how it works with no other purpose than to make things cool and glue plot holes with “MAGIC”. No easy explanation. We die like men.

Regina suspects the monkeys with high magic affinity were somehow exposed to another entity her species had already encountered but never managed to bend their will to their whims. She doesn’t know how it happened, but she knows the monkeys are too good at the magic to just straight up attack them. They’re not fully human, but I am not sure of what’s the thing that makes them have that affinity with magic when most creatures don’t have it. The greens for sure can’t magic without a vessel that is able to use it. 

But anyway, since Regina somehow managed to infiltrate into the magic communities (headcanon New Tenacity wasn’t the first but hopefully the last to fall in Regina’s hands), she began experimenting with the usages and exploitable nature of magic. Warp and Weft was her primary concern, as she needed it for transporting her hive to Earth. Once she got it, she encountered two problems: One, it kills non mages almost instantly if they attempt to use it. Two, it doesn’t work with large quantities of entities. 

So no only she couldn’t use it to take the hive to Earth. She would have to send mages to the moon if she wanted to be able to get them out with a relatively good chance of success by casting a massive spell to get the greens out of the moon.

Now, this was not only very time consuming, but stupidly difficult to pull out since mages like being reclusive. 

So she started looking for ways to track mages and send them to the moon, somehow. She eventually dipt in family ancestry and probably found suitable candidates that weren’t as dangerous as trained mages. Think of them as persons with an incredible magical potential, but they’re not even aware of their power. Like that creepy little girl Arika talked about (my personal theory is that the hand used her as host for this reason). 

I think this eventually got Regina to pick Taylor as one of the candidates. Of course, the contest was rigged in order to make the student the winner. I firmly believe their fate was planned since the beginning, but neither Regina or Taylor could have potentially anticipated the impact the lifeline would have in the green’s plans.

So Regina sent Taylor as the first of many to be mages to come. They would be the first experiment in the matter, if potent magical non users could even be exploited in the way Regina required. Of course, her plan was fooled by Taylor being more adept than she thought they would be. 

So she focused on the exploration of dark Magic, trying to tear the quintessence(or however its written) in order to achieve more power for her plans. She was unsuccessful, at first. But eventually managed to make a little slave, a golden bird-like creature of solid gold. It was not powerful enough to teleport the whole hive, but small groups of entities could be warped to wherever she desired. This would be helpful, but now she had a loan to pay. 

Ripping the fabric of space and Time itself is bad, very bad. Like apocalyptically bad. And Regina wouldn’t realize her mistake until she was confronted with the lifeline and Alex.

Wynn was an eye opening for Regina, as she realized the potential her mutated freak had. This is why she wanted her back so badly, she needed to reverse engineer that drone’s mutation and use it to make the greens more sneakier, less apparently dead to humans and more livid. The green kept her consciousness and personality. This was unheard of before, this was a breakthrough possibly caused by the exposure to the human species.

Regina probably thought at first she was dealing with a rogue queen, considering her own experience. But I’m sure she realized that was not the case when she produced the next green with that capability. I call these kind of greens “elites” as they’re more capable of blending in than the drones and they get to keep the host’s personality as their own. Regina was very pleased with this development, but it took a while to get vessel 1 to produce the elites.

When Taylor finally was hers, they were infected with the first set of elites from vessel 1. Regina realized she could use the failed Tipler Cylinder to continuously go to other universes and infect more Taylors for her mage project. So she kept the “loop” going until there were enough of them so they were expendable and not really a problem if the experiments went wrong.

Until the lifeline came and crashed the party, again.

At this point Busy and Canon Regina diverge, because while canon Regina disregards the danger that the lifeline is to her plans, Busy takes the threat seriously and immediately moves resources to find this individual that keeps messing with her plans, without much progress, as the lifeline doesn’t exist in the current cluster of universes she inhibits, successfully staying anonymous to the greens.

In the SstS rp, there’s an alternative universe called Murdeline, while Busy makes her first appearance. There are two queen hives in SstS; Peka’s Hive and Busy’s hive (this includes the owos who are another layer that I won’t touch here because believe me, even though their abilities are ridiculously powerful, they’re…. too adorable.). Peka’s Regina is… frustrating to talk to, and honestly does a good job on making her a mysterious threat and still conveys the “I’m improvising and pretending everything is under control” that I keep reading from Regina. 

Peka’s Queen keeps leaving the heavy work for the elites, while she goes to do god knows what (not even Holly knows), trapped in 2016 forever thanks to *vague plot reasons* that i still don’t understand and would rather stayed that way as vessel 2 was on Austin and at this current point on the RP T2ylor is would be in close proximity with one of the vessels. And that’s No Good.

Busy is… very direct. And if something doesn’t go right she’ll risk one of her vessels to make it go the way she wants it to go. Because she played the elite route and was disappointed with T2 performance so she closed the loop and focused on getting more Mage covens under green control to make herself the best magical fleshsuit she could get through eugenics. And she managed to pay her debt through….. other means.

Anyway, that’s enough for scenario one, this document is already 9 pages long.

TLDR; Regina has no idea of what she’s doing because she’s the sole survivor of her kind after civil war. She’s improvising and keeps fucking up but pretends everything is going according to plan otherwise the greens might actually murder her in cold blood because if a queen is not doing her job, another shall replace her.

@pekasairroc Have fun.

[vuelie-frost]

Living in the woods

aka, vuelie-frost verbally babbling why Elsa lives in the forest instead of Arendelle.  This is still a part of the ending that flickers my unease, even this morning after having slept on it. This isn’t a post to convince anyone, but literally just my own thoughts and processing. Hopefully by the end I’ll be more accepting, or even excited about Elsa’s development. I don’t like it, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad or the wrong decision. Separating the part of me that has desires (ie that Elsa would be queen in Arendelle forever and ever) and the part of me that recognizes cinema as a series of complex character arcs (ie what I desire might not actually be best, or in character) is REALLY HARD. But I posit it’s essential to interpreting media in a healthy way.  I 100% trust Jen Lee and Chris Buck, not because I idolize them, but because they so obviously care about these characters and this world. Maybe I’m too starry-eyed, but I don’t get the sense that they did this sequel for the cash cow. Now Disney execs probably pushed them in this direction for that reason (Disney is a corporation at the end of the day,) but Jen has stated that they didn’t want to make a sequel if there wasn’t a story to tell. They still felt parts of the story were left unsaid, and that’s why they pursued this film.  That said, the movie takes on a LOT, and I have a hunch that’s why it feels so fast paced. Not only is it a kids’ movie and therefore has to hold your attention at all times, but it packs in a lot of plot and character development into a short timespan. The sacrifice of a fast pace is the realism of some situations. Is it realistic that Anna would process her grief over Elsa so quickly? In the real world, no. Probably not. Is it realistic Elsa would so easily hand over the throne when it was something she enjoyed and was good at? Probably not. But (and the first movie had some similar issues too,) we have to suspend disbelief a bit. This isn’t exclusive to Frozen; it happens in all movies. You see it in small bits where someone hangs up the phone without saying “bye,” or when people make eye contact and something spoken goes unsaid. That doesn’t really happen in real life. But we turn a blind eye to those details because the larger purpose of the story is more important than those details. And as these details in Frozen are only rushed, not invalid or stupid, we can still accept them.  The idea that Elsa belongs in the forest/among nature is hard for me to accept, but again, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means my vision for her wasn’t what the writers thought was best. And the writers know her better than I do. They did her such justice in the first film and even in this film (her poor skills at charades? GOD RELATABLE.) I’ve often fantasied, albeit unconsciously, about the Elsa I’d like to see. I realize that in the 6 years since Frozen, I’ve loved the idea of Elsa as a mysterious, snow-bound sorceress type, living a somewhat solitary life. Still as human, flawed, and precious as ever, but becoming “larger than life” figuratively. Someone revered, respected, maybe a little bit feared upon first impression, but ultimately gentle and warmhearted. Loved by all. Feared by her enemies. (In fact, I write an RP character who is partially inspired by Elsa and partially an infusion of my own personality, and to my own surprise, this character is on that exact path. Unconscious channeling much?) Maybe.. that’s exactly what she is now. The fact that I’m uncomfortable with this just development testifies that 1) she feels out of my control, which makes me feel vulnerable, which makes me feel angry and 2) I’ve at least partially idolized her for her job (queen) instead of her as a whole person Note that I’m not using the reasoning of “she belongs with Anna all the time” as a cause for my uneasiness. This is more about Elsa as a standalone character than their relationship. One, I’m not an Elsanna shipper, so the physical dislocation of two siblings doesn’t scream “heartbreaking” to me. It’s incredibly normal to have family you love with your entire heart and not live with them full-time, if at all. Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest sibling and can see this dynamic more clearly. Two, Elsa could not step into her new role if she didn’t have the unbreakable support system that is Anna behind her. If there was ANY doubt of their relationship’s strength, I’m positive Elsa wouldn’t leave her baby sister to rule alone. It’s not that they don’t need each other. On the contrary, and perhaps paradoxically, they need the other so much that the epilogue could not come to fruition if their bond wasn’t ironclad.  I’m still going to miss Elsa as queen. I’m not..... totally unconvinced that she’s not still a “queen,” someone with political leverage in Arendelle, as she’s still its protector and a royal by birthright. It hasn’t been ruled out that they’re co-rulers, just operating in different spheres. I’m waiting for more interviews/podcasts with Jen that I hope will address this detail. If not and Elsa’s technically a princess again, that’s cool too. She’s still part of the royal family and therefore can’t be a commoner or anything. But I wonder why I’m so hooked on her status as a queen, and I realize: it’s just a role. It’s not who she is. I’ve enjoyed it for the inflation of my own ego- seeing someone who’s like me in a position of leadership and reverence is incredibly validating. Watching her walk with beauty and grace as a beloved queen lets me live vicariously. But I have a working hypothesis that escapism in fictional characters is actually our attempt to connect with the real world better. I’ve so badly wanted her to remain queen because it validates ME. It helps ME believe that someone with her set of quirks and nuances can succeed. The issue isn’t with Elsa abdicating the throne- it’s with me assuming that she’s not herself if she’s not in a position of power, and then it throws my own identity into question.  And it admittedly has to do with the ambiguity of being the “fifth spirit.” I was worried Elsa would transform into a spirit being, or ghost, or ethereal creature that was no longer human. That doesn't happen, to as much as I understand the movie (she transforms her dress, steps onto a symbol that unites the four spirits, and then unfreezes after the dam breaks.... but there isn’t some spirit-world complete transformation of her essence.) The part of her that’s magic IS inhuman, which is self-evident (no other human in this universe has magic abilities LOL), but that’s not to say she’s inhuman.  I’ve also mentioned that I interpret this role as descriptive, not prescriptive. She was a gift to Iduna and Agnarr from birth. This is who she was meant to be from day 1- the potential was inside her the whole time, manifesting in the form of ice magic. I theorize she’s awakened into the 5th spirit role, but it was never something where she had to change in order to become it. (Now deeper lore, like how a 5th spirit existed when Agnarr was a kid and what subsequently happened to it, is still a mystery. I’m interpreting it to mean that the 5th spirit is a role of unification, not a spirit in and of itself. And once the forest became trapped, it dissipated by definition. Elsa was born to fulfill that lost role again, OR to be the first physical catalyst to hold it. Not to mention Anna is imperative here as well- they’re both the bridge.) Someone else mentioned that since their mother was Northuldra, Elsa’s actually among her own people. This is important too, I think. Imagine if Elsa went back to the castle canonically after all that happens. They’d be leaving a huge part of their family history out there, not to mention Ahtohallan which Elsa obviously has a mysterious connection with. I think if Elsa did go back to Arendelle permanently, we’d be having similar conversations in reverse by claiming that she really does belong near Ahtohallan and in nature with the spirits. We can’t win. She belongs in both places- among her family & among her predestined purpose. And she’s able to come and go among them both whenever she’d like. That’s her true independence. She’s FREE, wholehearted and integrated. I also mentioned in a previous post my penchant for a savior complex, probably stemming from my own issues with codependence and infatuation. I won’t get too far into those here again except to say: I liked “needy” Elsa because I wanted to envision myself as the one saving her. That’s my own thorn. It originates from a total infatuation with her that I’m still working on letting go (ha.) But I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences this. It’s because she’s a character so meaningful to me that I care so much about her, even to an unhealthy degree. I know she’s not real. I know the fantasy of knowing her and “fixing” her is irrational, weird, unfounded, and impossible. But that’s ME, not her. Show Yourself, which is beautiful and emotional, unexpectedly made me feel a little sad to know she’s no longer aching to find herself. Maybe I want that kind of certainty for myself, especially as I’m on the cusp of finding a new job & moving. Maybe it’s my unhealthy fixation on her that wants her to remain insecure so that I can feel validated as her “protector” (again, weird and irrational. I can’t explain my brain’s projections.) Maybe it’s not as clear cut as I want it to be, and I just need to- brace yourselves- let it go. ; ) Granted I still have reservations about her new role, like how someone who was pampered all her life & is known for her pose & grace will adjust to essentially camping 24/7, but those are details and inherently flexible. You can’t say she doesn’t belong in the forest just because she’s not acclimated yet.  Now what I feel a lot of people feel unease over is the loss of the first movie’s ending. And by that I mean, we have to disregard our previous headcanon that Elsa remained queen for her lifetime. I mean, we assumed that for 6 whole years and had all that time to flourish in our creative exploits built on that premise. So it undoubtedly feels a little dissonant to have a sequel that goes “nope, not true.” I think that’s normal, and it’s the kind of thing that becomes accepted with time. Shifting our mental framework of Elsa & Anna’s respective futures will take some getting used to. Again, it doesn’t make it a bad ending (you’re free to think that, of course! But something unexpected =/= something bad.) tl;dr vuelie-frost has a lot of feelings and concerns that are pretty indicative of her own issues, not the movie’s. Frozen 2 isn’t perfect but a lot of my grief could be alleviated by focusing on my own projections and expectations, and shifting my perspective to be more open and accepting. You know how people say attitude is everything? It’s annoying but it’s true. And I mean, I still love this movie and want to buy all the merch and draw Elsa endlessly, so my love for the franchise is obviously still THRIVING

[sasorikigai]

Can I have like... the whole relationships building meme for Hanryou plz?

RELATIONSHIP BUILDING || @sonxflight​ || accepting (part 1) 

Send ⭐️ (or multiple) for a headcanon about our muses.

In their relationship, nonsexual touch is such a frequented gift. Hugging, especially for them is a connection that is deep and bonding. They both are huggers, and for them, touch = love. To feel touch with another human is to feel connected, seen, validated, and loved. Hanzo couldn’t fathom to be away from not being touched again, for entire energetic system resets, recalibrates, and loses the gift of momentum when he’s absent from such sensation. After just a single afternoon of embrace, fully clothed and not directly sexual, his MOJO could be quick to return in some fundamental way. Some core function of his soul, his happiness, resonates with Ryou, and Hanzo would be once again recharged in a way that he had not been, since he lost that precious, exquisite touch with Harumi. 

Send ☎ for your muse’s info in my muses phone (name, ringtone, picture, last text received/sent).

Name: Ryou Sakai, aka [くそったれ]  Ringtone: Poets of the Fall - Someone Special Picture: 

Last text received: from Ryou [くそったれ] : How would you feel if I smacked your tits back?   Last text sent: to Ryou [くそったれ] : It’s not as pliant as your ass, but I dig your fucking infatuation with my tits. 

Send 🎼 for a song that reminds me of our muses.

Daughtry - World on Fire 

Going down like a dead man walking One step from a body in a coffin Just one, one of the fallen Waking up to a blood moon, howling Can't drown it out, even with the medicine Tearing through me like a bullet of adrenaline Arms heavy, face down on a death bed Blame the gods while choking on the violence In the end, silence is deafening

Send 👋 for three things that describe our muses relationship.

👋  Soulmates: While a lot of these examples of romance tropes have to do with two people slowly realizing their feelings for one another, the Destined To Be Together involves couples who know right from the start that they are in love. Their intense immediate bond is what maintains their resolve that they’re meant to be together while the universe, typically, conspires to separate them.

👋  The Second Chance at Love: They have been deeply hurt in the past, and have spent years avoiding any kind of romantic relationship. Now they will meet and learn to give love another chance. This is a hopeful trope that readers enjoy because it enforces the theme that “it’s never too late.”

👋  Back-To-Back Badasses: When two people are completely surrounded, outnumbered and outgunned, by simply coming together and having their backs against each other, they are suddenly much more capable. Usually involves a lot of spinning and may lead to Radial Ass-Kicking. The fully realized fight scene of this image is the Bash Brothers. A warrior's most vulnerable area is his back, and by putting their backs together, two warriors can eliminate this disadvantage and turn it into an advantage.

Send 👂 to overhear my muse talking about yours.

“I am wholly satisfied that I’m your entire galaxy and you will never experience euphoric things that excite every part of your body.” A huge smirk, then a grope of Ryou’s ass follows. 

Send 👤+ a muse name for my muse’s opinion on that muse (with the other muse/mun’s permission).

“The very fabric of my existence was rewoven because of Ryou’s physical and emotional support, and he becomes so ingrained that he is my constant, regardless of where I would end up.” 

Send 😍 for my muse to tell yours three things they love about them.

“His easygoing, down-to-earth persona, uncanny ability to read my mind, and of course, his ass.” 

Send 💤 for my muse to say something about yours in their sleep.

“Your ass is on fire!” 

Send 📖 for my muse to read out an entry in their journal/diary about yours.

It’s hard trying to fall asleep; it’s a juggle of keeping my mind distracted enough to fall asleep before the thoughts of my mind leaves me hollow and my eyes flinging open to stop it. How the truth of my loneliness unfurls, ceaselessly seizing the wind, bearing me against the current. I could never escape from thinking about you, for you follow me to this day, for every brutal handprint staining already blood reddened mark on my being had been touched by you and no one fucking dares me to probe the hard exoskeleton of my being. How you effortlessly render me malleable. 

Send ✉ for a written letter from my muse.

Ryou, 

Loneliness is such a dangerous thing, for everyone knows there are forms of cruelty which can injure a man’s life without injuring his body. They are such as deprive me of a certain form of food, necessary to the life of the soul. As the starved roots will wither and rot, rootlessness and homelessness robs me the sense of belonging. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to be migratory as I have thought I’d be. It’s not stemmed from having the feeling of having an existence that is not meaningful or fruitful, but turning to exclusionary groups in the squadron, which only increases the feelings of alienation and rootlessness. 

Who am I, after all, drifting without a background against me? My recognitions does not speak much when the criminality of my past has been resurfaced through the uprising of the syndicate that had once gone defunct. The viciousness of memory is such a terrible gift and this wasn’t mine to begin with. I don’t think I can do this alone, Ryou, I need you with me on this. Whether I risk myself being burned under the inferno and of course, I am dragging you to be burst in the flames and spill unneeded blood as well. But you are the only one I have, and I need to summon all the buried courage in me to face this, and I can’t do it alone. 

I need you in this with me, take the quickest flight up to Boston and meet me there in the morning. 

Send📱for a voicemail my muse left yours.

Agent Sakai? Hello, this is Dr. Anderson of Massachusetts General Hospital. You were listed as Commander Hasashi’s closest kin. He was involved in a botched mission, and thankfully, his brain injury could be dealt in the most urgent manner. It is my understanding that you are still on flight when you receive this, and Commander Hasashi has been conscious even when he was admitted, but he was in a lot of pain, so we put him under with an appropriate dose of morphine. Please contact us asap and make your way here. 

[hungwy]

@ the 2 long fr ask v sorry anon u better read this cuz i typed a lot for u...

full ask:

full disclosure im not really sure where im going with this but i read your wall of text and i’m really curious about your worldbuilding frm a (supposedly, rip) writer perspective !!

you said that you were interested in gods that were more abstract and less anthropomorphic, so perhaps you could expand on that? it sounds like a fascinating concept because often people relate gods to humans somehow (either as all-powerful deities that somehow are capable of human-like reasoning and motivations, deities that can be Understood to a degree by regular human beings, or as concepts that people are already familiar with aka Personified Concept Of Justice or w.e), so it could be interesting to see an exploration of how human beings would relate to supernatural forces they’re not equipped to understand, whose motives and abilities are entirely outside of the scope of current human ideas about the world—humans seem to have a natural tendency to generalize and categorize things down into something they can grasp and work with, so culture evolving around trying to figure out a way to model the world in light of that could naturally breed the divergence between human ideas & Truth About Deities you mentioned.

if you think about it, a lot of things even in our “plain” universe that seemingly obeys scientific laws we’re systematically working on discovering can be pretty awe-inspiring in nature, right?? so many things are so far beyond general understanding that to the uninitiated, they can be pretty close to magic, even if there are ways to dig deeper into them and understand them more (or whatever we consider to be “understanding”). so it’s possible that in your universe the fundamenal forces governing things could be just. different? on a really core level, which naturally sends humans scrambling to make some kind of sense of things. i mean, we already kind of do, with religious explanations stepping in, so perhaps that would be more dramatic in a world where the unknowable is even more fucked and unperceivable to your human societies.

naturally, that might give more power to religion than science, if people have practical experiences that their “science” cannot explain well (maybe because it’s beyond human logic in the first place) & that religion seems to provide some kind of answer for. it might also keep the mysticism; religious belief might require some degree of dedication, which might be a risk in itself if you’re an average person playing with forces no one can properly explain yet. organized science might be struggling to catch up and maintain credibility; but at the core, it could also be that there’s nothing particularly unscientific about the source of what is perceived as magic/“gods”—just that the barrier to perceiving them in a logical and systematical manner with no spiritual aspect to it could be a lot higher, which then tempts people to go with the most accessible explanations. (again, made more tempting if your magic is powerful enough to represent some kind of real danger—framed as “displeasing the gods” or w.e, maybe—or to provide some highly desired abilities, even if their source is misunderstood by human beings thru misframing the entire concept.)

long messy rant aside, very very curious to know more about your ideas !!! do you intend magic to be some kind of old-as-time concept that human beings are slowly developing a relationship with/a deeper understanding of over the ages, where they develop their (possibly flawed) understanding of gods as well?? or is their understanding catalyzed by some specific event, presumably an interaction by said gods with society? do these “gods” have any perception of human society? pls share more if you are inclined to !! :>

(sorry if the rant was overstepping ahh i really got carried away didn’t i)

id like to preface this with i havent slept. PLEASE ask me clarifying questions

i think from a cultural perspective it would make sense for humans to anthropomorphize higher powers in order to relate to it better. even further i think (though i haven't really fleshed out the actual capabilities and motives of gods) gods would have the ability to appear to us as human or human-like. in this essay i typed completely without planning i will construct how.

i first have to consider the form or forms of divinity and how that relates to my -- ideally -- material universe. should i incorporate gods and magic as material phenomena that are observably composed of matter and energy -- or reactions of some sort of transcendent immaterial reality beyond normal human sense and reason? im sort of leaning towards that more spiritual reality. choosing that means id have to explain how incomprehensible, unknowable forces work and interact with comprehensible, study-able forces, which frankly is a lot more complex than just tossing in someone like Zeus.

so the question basically being asked is how does this divine force come to create our world? id basically have to create a whole metaphysical system. maybe i could give credence to panpsychism and say everything has sentience and subjective experience, and some vague actuation by this transcendental force began our universe. this Transcendence that shifts with eternal (but cyclical) change produces some sort of transcendental force which "peaks" as consciousness/sentience/experience (that panpsychism). (the "troughs" of this force are what we'd call other dimensions or planes, and this is where i plan for gods to reside) anyway, this consciousness is our fundamental “thing”, our atom, our quark, our light, whatever; consciousness itself IS the physical world. the shifting of this force means that our universe, too, is in constant (but cyclical) change, and has a regularity that comes with extending from one entity that allows the universe to be systematic and wholly not chaotic. im tempted here to say the Transcendence naturally promotes a balance of consciousness (= material reality) by interfering with those peaks of material reality. now im not claiming to understand the mechanisms of transcendent immaterial reality but certainly i should be able to claim that this universe is a closed system in which exchanges of transcendent force are allowed but exchanges of matter and energy (as we understand them) aren't.

we still have the problem of how we create an entity like a god, and magical forces. Remember that the transcendental force has both peaks and troughs of consciousness and therefore material reality.  Through this dualism of peak and trough (though not really a dualism… ive equated this force to a wave which means that there is GRADUAL change) I can now create two opposing realities: our universe and the antiuniverse. im basically just going to say that the realization of consciousness in the antiuniverse comes in the form of magic (=energy) and gods (=matter). just as with our universe, once you get down far enough the difference between magic/energy and gods/matter isn’t really apparent. it’s all really just a spectrum. Anyway. heres the big big big part: the troughs and peaks connect due to the nature of a wave being gradual. Our world affects theirs, theirs ours, etc. albeit not a whole lot for reasons I don’t care to think about. Matter and energy can travel into the antiuniverse and interact with magic and gods and vice-versa.

SO just gonna throw in here that like humans and rocks some gods will have more animacy than others (more magic) and will be able to purposefully and willfully travel into our universe. when they manifest they must cause some kind of eldritch psychological terror because they are a completely different realization of matter which frankly is probably impossible to comprehend. but more animate gods (more animate than humans) would be able to “correct” their forms into recognizable entities with magic, as id believe if humanity were to transcend their animacy they could rearrange their forms with energy. I think from here we can relatively easily extrapolate what gods are, provide them conscious motivations, create a hierarchy of gods and lesser supernatural entities, explain divine interference, etc etc etc. if you have any questions i can make up more answers!

NOW I can get to your points! youre indeed right that this could be “an exploration of how human beings would relate to supernatural forces they’re not equipped to understand, whose motives and abilities are entirely outside of the scope of current human ideas about the world”. in fact thats exactly underlies what religion will be about. humans wont be aware of another world at all except for a few souls who learned this secret knowledge. humans wont understand theres a massive rift between the strange occurrences that belong to our world and the even stranger occurrences invading it from the antiuniverse. everything is just sort of conflated to gods, ghosts, spirits, monsters. their experience with the physics of magic means that only gods in control of magic can really bestow any magical control to humanity (though id argue everything with consciousness has innate magical potential to some extent).  but here gods could actually be what is the equivalent to displeasement, the unsatisfaction of their intents, the disruption of their motives, etc, and have destructive reactions towards it, just as they can be pleased, satisfied, and complete (though these would just be approximations using human emotion).

[astrolovecosmos]

Aquarius Personal Planets

Aquarius Sun: The Sun detriment is Aquarius. This makes sense if we think of Aquarius in their terms of the collective, of working behind the scenes, of ideas, detachment, humanity as a whole, and concentrating on others. Here the ego doesn’t form well and identity while important can get lost in shared ideas, trends, and information. Aquarius is connected with individualism, when the Sun is here there is a lesson to form one’s identity but to also relate that individuality to others. We can see Aquarius’s “oddball” or “outsider” traits as a detriment to the Sun itself. The Sun wants to shine but can struggle to do so if they feel alienated or different. I have written before, “Ego is closely tied to acceptance from others, individuality, and self-expression. Ego and emotions are HIGHLY separated.” I will add ego is not only separated from feelings but from expression at times. Sun in Aquarius is going through an enlightenment about the self as well as the human condition. 

Aquarius Moon: Moon in Aquarius is famously detached and relies on logic, rationality, and intelligence. Judy Hall describes them as, “Emotionally unpredictable. Independent, unconventional, isolated and uncommitted. The Moon in Aquarius prefers friendships to intimacy.” As we talk about the Moon and emotional needs let’s unravel the value of friendship. Instead of looking at it like Aquarius Moons can’t have deeper connections view it as Aquarius values attributes of friendship the most like respect, acceptance, communication, and support. The Aquarius Moon can give people a distant feel and finds it hard to understand or process emotions. The Aquarius Moon also has a drive to belong and to be part of a group. Aquarius being the barrier and bringers of knowledge can be the Moon searching for emotional knowledge to share. 

Aquarius Mars: When Mars is in Aquarius it gets charged up and passionate about ideals and causes. The rebel and revolutionist of Aquarius might shine the most when Mars is in it. Mars can become erratic in reactions when in Aquarius but tends to be fixed about what they are fighting for. Aquarius Mars is known for having a lower libido or being distracted by other causes and fights to tap into physical conquest. But Mars here is more open minded about their sexual side and has a path to experiment. Mars in Aquarius is a chess player, a protester, a campaigner, a debater, and a fighter on fronts that demand change. 

Aquarius Venus: When Venus is in Aquarius they still love, just differently. Venus in Aquarius can be hesitant and reluctant to commit and fall in love. They want freedom as well as a mental connection when it comes to their relationships. Venus in Aquarius finds herself in a very independent form wanting a good relationship with themselves first. Autonomy, individualism, room to breathe, and being a friend to the self are priorities for them. Venus in Aquarius can be looked at as a relationship to ideas and causes rather than just people. 

Aquarius Mercury: “Mercury in Aquarius separates feelings from thought.” - Judy Hall. Mercury in Aquarius concentrates on the original, being free-thinking, and expressing knowledge and sharing ideas. Mercury in Aquarius is known to have an unconventional way of communicating. This could take form from unpredictable communication to an unusual humor. Mercury in Aquarius is good at stepping back from situations and looking at them as an outsider. Mercury in Aquarius is the electric messenger with a whole text book of information, aka maybe the internet.

[elizabethrobertajones]

What do you think a meeting between John and Cas would be like? And if he knew that Dean and Cas had feelings for each other, do you think he'd have more of a problem with the man thing or the angel thing?

Oof this is the sort of question where I down my whole coffee and think about it for 2 hours and I still need to sound things out :P 

I think there’s a few sort of variables to consider even just how we get here because my brain is bubbling with scenarios, like: is this where John is around when Cas is introduced, and how he’d react when everyone is meeting Cas, and he gets a perpendicular arc to Cas and Dean like Bobby got (aka the opposite to Bobby’s adopting of Cas and somewhat knowing looks and pep talks towards the end because Bobby and John would never agree so that dooms John to become more intolerant of Cas n Dean :P)… 

Or does John come back instead of Mary when Mary came back in season 12, so we get his equivalent reactions to Cas, when Mary was somewhat cool if stunned by his presence, but we know she was the pro-angel parent while John thought her ceramic angel was “creepy” in 5x13…

Or is this that John reappears in season 14 and sure only 2 years difference has passed but that’s 2 years of Dabb at the helm and Dean n Cas are practically ready to retire to their B&B in Vermont at this point, just as soon as they get a few weeks of no plot distractions to themselves.

I think we can use Dean from seasons 1-4 as the guide for roughly how John would have felt about angels in general, because John taught the boys all he knew about the supernatural world, and in general Dean mirrors him when it comes to grief about Mary and worldview and other things which were tied up in this complicated mess of angels watching over them. Maybe he didn’t know what Mary said to her boys but he’d have known she was religious and got the angel for them, and so we can just assume his distraught scepticism on the subject is passed down to Dean, and Mary and Sam have more in common with their approach to faith. If John had still been around in the background of season 4 onwards, like, AU where he never died, or they got him back in time, then he’d likely have been just as sceptical as Dean but presumably never been on the personal arc with Cas that Dean has, with a special heap of not getting rescued from Hell by angels annoyance, which could nicely make a scenario where he remains anti-angel while even Dean comes around to how awesome Cas is, leaving a permanent conflict about it. (Honestly I love this scenario just for how Bobby still ends up adopting Dean n Sam out from under John’s nose :P)

In this case I would probably say that his issues would be disguised as the angel thing, but very much a long-form arc about parental acceptance and homophobia using Cas’s otherness as an angel as the metaphor, in just the same way we have the actual arc with Heaven being disapproving of Cas’s friendship/supposed sex life with Dean, with “angels are forbidden to procreate with humans” as the underlying issue instead. 

For scenario 2, if John had been brought back instead of Mary, then again we have a very curious conflict from the start because Mary is reasonably accepting of Cas, perhaps a little dazed by “actual angel” but that’s taking a step down from “so I did a favour for God and his sister, and she brought you back” to accept that her sons have been running around with an angel, and she remembers being in Heaven so that’s another validation to the concept for her. She and Cas have immediate understanding as strangers in a strange land, and by the end of the episode she kills to save both Cas and Dean together which is an implicit nice kind of acceptance for the both of them at least as a metaphoric path forwards.

For John, that first reaction to Cas is going to be instantly more suspicious and probably even if he doesn’t initially find something weird about Cas and Dean embracing like that in front of him, he’s narratively set up to oppose angels like Dean once did, and would probably have been having issues with the God and Amara scenario already, with far less the tearful reunion at the start of the episode and much more distrust of the scenario and a sense of needing to get right back to work and that he was brought back for some reason (I assume that’s why he takes off in episode 3 like Mary did) because John has a bunch of secrets and doesn’t even like telling his sons stuff. It would be far less coincidental that YED reappear in the narrative for the first time since Azazel got killed in the John version of season 12, you know? 

I think a lot of what in 12x01 and 2 played out as Mary Is Family, Cas Is Family Too, Let’s All Be Family But Sad About It, would become far more tetchy and distrustful - John ordering Cas to hurt the guy would be less Mary copying Dean and making inaccurate assumptions about Cas and his role, and more John making similar inaccurate assumptions but from the more alpha male sort of angle. I suspect a lot more competitiveness with Cas, and by 12x03 in the opening where Mary and Cas had the sad quiet conversation about belonging, it may be more aggressive, at least subtextually, to the point that John may be disappointed that Cas is looking after the boys when he’s been unable to and sees his position as the third wheel usurped and that spurs him to take off on whatever he goes to do off-screen for the rest of the season :P 

12x09 and 12x12 would be the clues (er, love confessions) that Cas has a thing for Dean in front of John, and may overtly be to reconcile John to the concept of angels being real and watching over his sons. Considering this is happening in a hypothetical Dabb era where Lily Sunder still happened in between, I’m pretty sure this would not have totally positive effects when it comes to John’s path of accepting Cas n Dean or not, just because we get this reminder that Heaven is so dead set against their union. Would John warm to it as a contrast and *even he* starts to see there’s a value in it and defends it in the equivalent of the Mary Losing One Of Her Boys speech at the end of 12x12 (I assume with a Ketch/Toni flip although honestly what the hell let’s keep season 12 the same and he hooks up with Ketch and surprises himself and everyone else and it all went well and he accepted Cas n Dean back in 12x12 and - this season has completely derailed)

The John Comes Back In Season 14 one will be even more painful for him. Mary has mourned him, got over it, and has a lil crush on AU!Bobby, who, after all, has always been a flipside of John where he was the father figure they needed… This Bobby may not have that history with the boys but our Bobby and John fell out, were at gunpoint odds last time John saw Bobby, and 7x10 implies that might even have been about Bobby nurturing Sam and Dean too much while accusing John of running off endangering them and himself and not giving them time to be boys. Even a mirror universe copy of Bobby who had been with a Mary Campbell who lost John back in the 70s and AU Bobby never met, now making moves on his wife… Well, you got to ask, when you promise “til death do us part” and then you BOTH DIE, is that legally binding contract over? 

So there’s a big old blow to his entire personhood, and then he finds the buckwild family scenario at large that has Sam, who is the SENSIBLE one in this whole mess, parenting Lucifer’s son while smiling too much at the local saucy witch, Dean either a possessed fancy angel or a wreck from having been possessed by said fancy angel, also parenting Lucifer’s son, with a dynamic of an old married couple to a gloomy angel who is, inexplicably, also parenting Lucifer’s son, on the outs with Heaven, and mooning after Dean. 

Also, Mary is parenting Lucifer’s son.

I think I can only see one solid result here: amongst all the tension and falling out with and being upset by every single dynamic he stumbles across while lost and horrified by what everyone has become, losing all connection to his sons and wife, surrounded by changes in their world that his revenge-driven head is not equipped to handle… 

He probably at least ends up confusedly parenting Lucifer’s son and redeeming himself as a parent through that vector and then, perhaps, slowly, to the others.

[mesmusae]

Elain: The Mating Bond

I think this is an important one to make in terms of my interpretations about Elain’s feelings when it comes to the bond, her actions and feelings around it. Because we still don’t have her perspective, this is entirely obviously speculation, but speculation I’m basing off what we have, and what i think makes sense about the situation. And please note, that nothing I say is necessarily against Lucien. Just more, how his actions are being perceived by her and why she responds in the way that she does. This is purely for character development. Not a statement for or against Elain or Lucien. 

So one thing that I think plays largely into her feelings around the bond is how it was addressed to her. She’d just been basically waterboarded, nearly drowned, after being kidnapped and held hostage. She’s practically exposed to a bunch of strangers (because wet nightgown....doesn’t leave much to the imagination). Then she watched the same thing happen to her sister while a strange man is wrapping his coat around her (do not misinterpret this mention. I love this moment and found it cute as hell and is one of the reasons I do still ship the).  but remember, at this time, Lucien had entered, standing by Spring. He left with Spring and her sister. Regardless of his outward argument against what was happening, he ultimately was on the side of the people who hurt her and her sisters. And as her sister comes to take her away from the male who happened to be standing with the very people that had caused that to happen, he suddenly makes the claim “You’re my mate.” 

Now, we know Elain knows a little about mates. But not much, as Feyre and Rhys were only open about it during the second meeting, the one that she was kidnapped shortly after. So while she knows it’s important to some degree, we don’t know how much exactly she knows. Other than between Rhys and Feyre it clearly became Romantic. And Elain is in love with someone else as we know. So even under the BEST circumstances for that statement to be claimed (well maybe not the best because that would include them being in a situation like Rhys and Feyre where he didn’t tell her while they’re totaly strangers. But it absolutely wouldn’t have been during one of the most traumatic moments of her life), she would have been against it. Her heart belonged to someone else and she wouldn’t have been interested in Lucien. 

Now flash forward to him being in the castle. She can feel his heartbeat. And I think we all agree, that’s kind of cute. But I think to her, it’s terrifying. Especially when it’s mixed with her trying to process her trauma AND the fact that she’s getting visions and no one understands that yet. Her feelings around the bond still, it’s likely reminding her of that trauma (cause I imagine she also felt it in the brief time he held her when he gave her his jacket in Hybern so it would draw her back to that). 

Flash forward to the Graysen confrontation. I know fandom rags on her for “whining and moping” about her wedding in the middle of all of that. When in reality, of all the traumas she was experiencing at once, that one was the likely the easiest to focus on and begin processing. Elain was absolutely coming to terms with losing Graysen. But as someone who is clearly a hopeless romantic,I think it’s obvious that she hoped he might look passed everything and still love her. That their love would triumph the fear, and I think that was in part knowing that Feyre left as a human to go be with Tamlin. (Even if that didn’t work out. Hopeless romantics don’t always acknowledge that part). And in the end, Graysen rejected her. But he didn’t just reject her. He told Elain that she belonged to Lucien. As if she didn’t get a say in the matter. As if her feelings on the situation didn’t count. So not only did she not get a choice in becoming fae, didn’t get a choice in whether or not she was given that gift from the cauldron, and didn’t get a choice on the mating bond itself, her choice of who she loves and wants to be with is also being taken away. And this is where she first rejects the bond. Unfairly, Lucien isn’t there to hear this. But she has expressed a rejection of the bond. 

There’s also the brief bits in ACOWAR of Elain showing....something towards Lucien. Like when he was leaving for the continent and her semi0step forward that feyre says was “as if to say something. to stop him” but isn’t necessarily the case. And then the end of acoward, when after being prompted by Feyre, she invites him to stay in the night court. I have 3 theories about why that changed after this 1) It was just a high from the success of everything (given it basically happened immediately after), and then trauma hit again. 2) She felt she had to because of that nudge from Feyre. And that perhaps she owed him that much for his part in bringing Vassa and her father back, so it was less a genuine desire to have him there and more obligation from the beginning. or 3) That something happened in the time between acowar and acofas that changed things. And I’m kind of inclined to lean to the third. But less that it was a specific event.

And of course, we have to factor in the feelings she has for Az. Because those exist. And i view them as she’s kind of growing to see him as like...a knight in shining armor kind of. He has come to her rescue several times. He’s the one that listened and figured out what was going on with her Visions. And he gave her Truth teller for protection. He rescued her in Hybern’s camp. Like, it might very well be a crush on him because he’s her savior, but it’s grown with time. (And that part in the Az bonus chapter is going to leave her hurting for a while).

Now this is the part that fandom gets really up in arms about. And I think it’s a little much? Like it feels like they only look at the actions through Lucien’s perspective, or our outsider perspective and don’t even care enough to try seeing it through Elain’s. And so this is something I’m going to put a Real Life example of to compare. It’s not Identical of course, but there are similarities.

So we have Lucien, who comes to the Night Court for some business in regards to the human lands. And then he just goes and spends time with Elain. and We don’t know much of these interactions. We don’t know how they start, we don’t know what’s said in them. All we know is that Elain does like...all the little polite things, but is clearly keeping him at a distance. Now I think it’s two fold. 1) I think she feels like Lucien is only interested in her because of the bond. Now, we might know better...though honestly, i don’t think there’s much more there to say otherwise beyond the thought of feeling like Elain was thrown at him and comparing her mentally to Jessminda. And i think the second part is likely a mix of the other options. 

That being said, we get pretty clear body language Elain is genuinely uncomfortable in Lucien’s presence. From the way her demeanor changes when she thinks it’s Nesta at the door and opens it to find Lucien, to the relief she shows that Feyre notes when Lucien delines the invitation to stay the night. And when she jumps to do what any gracious host should have from the start, which is get refreshments (the kinds of things she was raised to do and told she’d never be anything more than). Yes, to leave Lucien’s company.

AND EVEN LUCIEN UNDERSTANDS. When Feyre asks him if he would want anything to do with Elain if their positions were reversed, he cannot truthfully tell her he would. So even he has some understanding of the situation from Elain’s perspective. 

He also rejects the idea of spending time in the night court to spend getting to know Elain at Feyre’s request. Yes, his reasoning is solid. She likely wouldn’t want to spend that much time with him. But it would have been a good place to get a solid start making ties in the night court and showing her it wasn’t just about the bond. Also, let’s not forget, Lucien himself says he can’t stand to be with her. You think that isn’t radiating off him? That it doesn’t make everything feel like even more of an obligation to her? And makes her feel like he’s only doing things because he feels obligated? Like even if he genuinely wants a connection, (which he turned down Feyre’s ‘hey maybe try to get to know her’ intitally soooo who knows) and isn’t pursuing it because he feels like he has to, that statement alone, mixed with giving her unasked for gifts and trying to have small talk with her, doesn’t help his case at all.

Like. The girl could feel his heartbeat in the house of wind through the stones. And we think that she can’t feel it still? That him not being able to stand being near her wouldn’t have an affect on that? Like it is the worst thing in the world to feel like someone only pretends to care about you. (Please note, I don’t think Lucien is pretending to care. But I think he feels forced/obligated because of the mating bond and the effect it has on males versus females). Like I’m glad I was going through that part again, because that changes a LOT. And maybe the not being able to stand being near her stems from her not making an effort. Maybe it stems from just...her. We don’t know. Maybe both? And maybe her uncomfortableness grew upon noticing that he couldn’t stand being near her yet tried. Maybe it started before that. or again, maybe both.

Ultimately, I think Elain resents the mating bond itself. She didn’t want it. She wanted Graysen. She didn’t want to be fae. And the mating bond is one of the most uniquely fae things. Then there’s all the ties to her trauma. The fact that the mating bond and it’s forming are directly linked back to everything that happened in Hybern.

And none of this is also taking into account the OTHER things going on. AKA the outside pressure. Nesta and Feyre got to know their mates freely. They didn’t have the knowledge of the bond over their heads. And they got to know their mates and accept their bonds without everyone knowing of it’s existence. Elain does not get that luxury. Not only does everyone know, but they discuss it. Feyre still tries to nudge Elain that way. Rhys fucking interfered with a kiss because of the bond, even though they both know how she feels about the bond. Nesta and Feyre didn’t get that. Well, Nesta got that a little bit from Cassian, but...he was the other party, not an outside party who shouldn’t have involvement. Elain and Lucien do not have that luxury. 

No matter what happens, there’s gonna have to be a behavior change from both of them. What I want more than anything (and is something I’d love to rolepaly) is them getting to know eachother outside the night court. I want Elain to gain some freedom from her family and relying on her safety net. And i want Lucien to fulfill a real desire in her that isn’t just based on a few small things he only knows the surface about. I want him to take her places, and show her the world. I want them to open up to each other about Graysen and Jessminda. And I want Elain to see that she and Lucien have a lot of things in common and that he really is a good person. 

I want them to have a genuine friendship. I kind of want the bond rejected regardless. Like. I want Elain to say she doesn’t want that. But because the air is cleared, it kind of frees them. And I want them to feel free of expectations and find that they can get along.